#lol trying really hard not to relapse rn

[madeofkeloids]

I NEED TO CUT I NEED TO CUT I NEED TO CUT I NEED IT I NEED IT I CANT LIVE WITHOUT IT

[jojea]

durge duesday with the boy besties ✨

GIVE IT UP FOR A NEW DAY OF THE WEEK!!!!! durge duesday……. 👁️👁️

[jbwashere]

alright, I haven’t exactly come up with like a color palette for him-

But here’s the design I have so far 👍

also some ideas I came up with

he isn’t under the control of Eyes, some times he goes and wanders around Mother Ginger’s realm. Trying to find Jack but then immediately going back to the rebel hideout when he sees Lila (or mother ginger)- since I kinda want her to look like a venomous spider, it’s easy to see her.

Runs a little snow cone shop for some of the survivors, not really a shop but he makes snow cones for them!

also, a new idea I have is that both Pump and Susie wind up in the realms. Pump finds himself with the rebels and tries really hard to get Mori to come and help him find other people who are in need of saving. Sadly, most of the survivors are either badly injured or really traumatized, so Mori rarely goes out and explores.

Remember how I said Jack was trying to help some kids who were in an abandoned area? Well, Mori was there with him and Jack ended up saving him from being captured 👍

That’s all I really have rn-

okay- I LOVE THIS What sticks out to me the most is the fact that Mori still goes out to look for Jack because that's accurate to his character in normal Spooky Month. I haven't gotten around to drawing it, but in Mori's perspective, their dynamic is ride or die. They are this audio to me. I bet the moment he saw Jack get taken away he went into a panic and tried to go after him but realized he had to stay with the kids. That's his best friend, his partner, his heart probably shattered into pieces on the walk back to the hideout. I know he lost a lot of sleep after losing Jack, without a doubt. Pump and Mori being the "jaded guy and energetic kid" dynamic. I can just imagine Pump bothering Mori enough that he agrees to go looking for more survivors lol. Mori being more "himself" than how he acts in the canon is an idea I also find interesting, he's more snappy and easily irritated when he isn't around a lot of people so imagine him in a situation where he can't keep that mask up, might relapse into bad habits. I like how he runs a snow cone shop, it's the one thing I didn't expect him to have lmao but I love that for him, it keeps him busy. If you don't mind me asking, what would Mori and John's dynamic be like? :>

[swagging-back-to]

massive update on the ladies!!!!

not anything super major but just how long it will be lol

ok so i got them a grapewood vine! they're kinda whatever about it. they don't climb it at all which is disappointing but they nibble on it. also ordered a birch tunnel (not the super skinny ones you can find everywhere, this one is more wide and short with two holes) which will be one of the very last 'landscaping' items i buy for the girlies! i feel happy enough to stop here :)

the company i bought it from (happyhamstery, good store) also included some free goodies! they got a cork mat, a little basket from this weird plastic material (i haven't put that in the cage yet bc i know my girls will chew it), and a flower lollipop.

the lollipop smelled soooo good but my girls don't like flowers tbh and even if tey did it was mostly hay and mice don't eat hay. so they just pissed on it.

my housemate keeps shutting the heat off in 38*f weather so i bought the girlies a heat pad ima put under their tank. also got a convection heater for the room.

but i changed up their layout and added a deep bedding section. their tunnels are crazy ngl even tho its just a small little section. im actually super happy with their layout rn and tomorrow im going to start recording videos about them. Im coming for your brand emiology >:)

but no i also got them some new treats---dried banana chips! i haven't given them banana before but i heard its a smash hit for a lot of mice and i need to give them something less fatty then a pepita.

------

ok so onto the girlies!!!!! individual breakdowns <3

jasmine has glowed up so much, im so happy for her. she honestly isn't cuddling with the others most of the time but i can just see in her face that shes happier back in the colony. her weight is more stable too and she isn't just skin and bones from starving herself. Shes even warmed up to me a lot, will come into my hand willingly and when i give her antibiotics she doesn't bite at all anymore. I used to have to have five layers of gloves bc of how hard she bit. and it would take at least an hour to give her meds. now its like 2 mins.

pepper has also grown so much im so proud of her. she doesn't immediately run when she sees me anymore and she doesn't flee when i approach er with my hand. she outright expects me to give her a pepita now. Shes one of the few girls i know for a fact does not have the obesity gene, the only other ones being jasmine and poppy. THATS IT. all my girls at 50g<

peanut has finally stopped tilting her head! she had a bad head tilt for a while and i tried treating it with antibiotics but it only got slightly better. im glad it went away on its own. shes still really sweet and one of the my few mice who will bang at the glass to try to get to me.

poppy used to be my absolute heart mouse, she would wake up and just pace the tank for my attention and jump at the glass when i walked over. shes kinda backed off lately and its sad. shes still a lil girl tho.

dhal is doing a little better. her feet arent SO swollen (i think it might've been a wheat or aspen allergy?) and her coat looks a little better. even her ibs is a bit better. for a while she was looking real rough tho. im still giving her antibiotics for her raspiness i heard a while back.

split pea is another who was chattering a while back and is just generally acting sick.

ginger's eye seems to be doing a little better but im worried about this weird fatty lump o the back of her shoulders. it doesn't look like a tumor but im worried its an abscess from bites she got and I've been treating with antibiotics. shes soooo sweet tho shes such a babyyyyyy shes one of the only mice i actually dream about

clove is a bit worrying i wont lie. i thought i caught her having a relapse in seizures earlier but she was just dreaming. shes just really big. 90g. her fur is kinda patchy and her skins all red from how hot she is all the time. I've tried everything to get her to lose weight. the lowest i got her to was 84g two weeks ago but she shot back up again. it's hard to know if its heart related, and i cant know if she has a tumor bc shes just too big </3 i hope shes with me for a long time tho bc shes such a baby

mochi and sushi are both doing fine, they're my most skittish girls now and its because i never had a true bonding period when i first got them. sushi's tumor hasn't grown afaik.

peaches is also doing okay, she just vibes honestly.

[puppiegrll]

ive been so depressed that ive lost 15 lbs. im trying not to relapse (i swear). its really hard tho. so my mindset rn is to not be too mad at myself bcus i still am forcing myself to eat sometimes at least,, like i am being way safer this time around :( but. today i was out shopping and saw my reflection in a window and i accidentally looked at my body and kinda liked what i saw !!! like if i started just toning my body the weight im at now i think i could look rly good! kinda wanna make a workout plan ! ive never once thought that ive looked good but i did today lol

[goofyahhvents]

another little venty vent cause fuck people

i hate myself. I actually hate myself. u hate my body. I hate my personality. I hate my brain. I want to go to my friends but they're always either doing great or terribly and I don't want to ruin their mood or make it worse with my issues. I actually wanna k!ll myself again, for the first time in 4 months. not my goofy constant imma kms like genuinely just need an inconvenience to shove me over the edge rn. I feel so stupid talking about what's going on in my head but sometimes this helps.does anyone else ever daydream about something terrible happening and think about what everyone's responses would be based off of your experiences with them, cause I do. and i realized mhow much people wouldn't care. I hope maybe one day they will care. I want to talk so bad to by bestfriend but she's literally getting proposed to tomorrow and I don't wanna ruin that. (btw they've only been together 4 months and I think it's a great idea eventually but not for two teenagers who haven't even made it passed the 1 year mark.) but nobody knows what to do if I cry lol, I have the emotional tendencies of a man. I honestly just want to break tf down and have someone there to comfort me and hold me but obviously I'm some unlovable ass who has never been in a good relationship. and honestly I'm gonna need my ex to stop pretending like I'm talking shit about her when ik she knows it's true. and istg if bro doesn't stop saying "you did look how that worked out" every time I say fuck you am going to bash my head against a brick wall because I FUCKING KNOW BRO you're literally the one who broke up with me even if it seems like we never actually dated and we never "broke up" dude I know please stop reminding me I wasn't as important to you as you were to me I know this shit by now. I'm mostly over it but some days she will not shut up about it and I wanna slap her cause I think she knows what she's doing to me at that point. I just want someone who will genuinely love me and actually take care of me. but anyways I've started counting calories and eating less and relapsing more again so that's fun. but if I tell the one person I can tell they'll only be like same. I try to ask her how she's genuinely doing but she always brushes me off and I don't know how to really express my feelings. she's not my therapist though so idrk why I want to tell her. probably because sometimes I only feel like I'm there to do things for them not just because I'm their friend. I kinda expected and I think even wanted her boyfriend to notice and say something to her but he doesn't have social skills so they can never see how i deflate when they talk about certain topics that strike a nerve. also idk why they say I'm not fat, we all know I am so why won't they just admit it. I do truly hate my body and they know so maybe that's why. I've tried so hard to look better but I just cant.

[euphoricfilter]

hi bub 🎀 how are u? sorry i'm kinda late on replying, i suck at that at times.

i'm glad to hear u had a nice dinner ! was the food pretty good? strawberry milkshakes are always the best 😌♡ but ahhh ! u got wootteo 🥺 i know he's just going to be the cutest in person, happy it worked out (sometimes impulsive buys are the best buys yk 🤷🏽)

oh wow ! i didn't know u were bilingual, that's so cool ! but aw i'm sure u did just fine darling 💓💓 u did ur best n that's okay (and i'm sure waitress didn't even notice or remember even after a second) *hugs* .. tho i do understand ur feelings completely. it can be nerve racking on speaking an entire different language (no matter which way). plus i'm sure the pressure of getting it grammatically correct or the right pronunciation is pretty sucky :/

aw honey i think ur putting too much pressure on urself :( i know it's hard to accept thais in an author's prospective .. but ur human and u can't be 100% all the time yk? i think we all have a "burn out" every blue moon .. and i think that's when we all subconsciously know we're in need of a break or change ur scenery. it' okay 💕 ur pace is ur pace and that's okay. take all the time u need. and you'd never let us or anyone down by setting boundaries or simply saying "no". i promise. ur feelings matter always and deserved to be respected. no worries love :)

aw ur too sweet, ty 💕 i'll keep that in mind and of course vice versa always, jus lmk 💕💕😌 but honestly.. i don't even know what's going on? it's kind of hard to explain but basically i'm on my healing journey rn and learning to embrace having "peace" and i've been doing so well but idk.. these past few weeks .. it's been getting a little hard these past few weeks to embrace it. idk why but it's just .. i've been feeling so sad and lonely and bored ig? and it's like.. i've made so so much progress with my mindset, mental health, confidence, and overall .. and let's just say i was in a veeeeeery dark place lol .. i just don't want to relapse back into who was u know? but at the same time i feel like i'm in a "toxic positivity" state rn and it's just sigh* idk.. it's a lot lmao (as always sorry for the overshare omg 😭 )

- 🎀

i’m good!! you’re okay my love <3 i’m really bad at replying to text messages from people in real life

the food was really good, i don’t think i’ve ever had macaroni bites before but i tried them and it was pretty good. i agree!! strawberry milkshake is the best, i think they made it with ice cream as well

ahh wootteo slept on my pillow above me last night, his head is really fat but he’s a cutie so it’s okay 🧍‍♀️

oo another secret fact about me has been revealed, idk if i’d personally count it as bilingual just because i’m far from fluent but i’ve been learning for a while so i guess i know enough to get around 🥲 i think chinese grammar is easier than korean somehow but maybe that’s because i’ve been learning chinese longer?? idk languages make me wanna pull my hair out 🧍‍♀️and my teacher was.. firm in school so maybe that’s where my language anxiety stems from 🧍‍♀️

i think so too 🥲 i think since taking my gap year, i don’t wanna feel like i’m just wasting my life away when this time was meant to be time i took out for myself because the last couple of years of school killed me. now that i know i’ve gotten into university, i really have nothing else to do. like i’ve done my portfolio, done the application, signed up for everything i need for now, so i’m simply existing trying not to feel like i’m doing nothing with my life before i become a slave to the education system again

ahh i still feel bad, but i guess not much can be done about it, and i can only be grateful that so many people are this understanding!! i think for now i’m probably just gonna start the rewritten version of dtik, since it’s an easy project and takes minimal brain power and then i’ll get back to whatever i have in my inbox when i feel like it

i get that!! i was going so well after graduating considering where i was during the last couple of years and then slowly it all just went downhill 😭 and there was times a night where i just felt so lonely?? and so so so out of it, like i didn’t wanna be awake but i didn’t want to sleep it was a really funky feeling?

anyways, i’m always here if you ever wanna chat 🫶 and just know that i’m really proud of you! and you’re doing so well, and remember you’re super cool and take care of yourself 🫡

(shhh dw about it 💕)

MWAH 💕🫂

[notcolleen]

god i have so many thoughts to write about this trip but right now i need to process this before anything else:

[[MORE]]

oregon has always held so much significance to me in terms of recovery bc my time at/after rainrock was the most lasting and most authentic recovery ive ever experienced. i also truly love it here and refuse to tarnish that with the shame of my eating disorder. so with that, i have forced myself to try my hardest every time im here and unfortunately that usually means a lot of getting back on track from relapse or a lot of significant differences in the way i was eating/living at home.

i try to view it as a ‘reset’ to get back on track but tbh i know i probably place too much significance on my time here and it sometimes ends up enabling my behaviors and ultimately making it harder bc i am so black and white in my thinking (so i let things get really bad before coming bc i ‘i’ll do better there’)

and im actually thankful i didn’t have a lot of notice this time bc i couldn’t completely crash and burn beforehand, and was actually trying to make small changes to my routine before bc i was getting sick of myself and i just had a birthday and didn’t want to spend another year like this, but there was definitely still the last couple days of ‘fuck it’ mentality

so this is all to say, on top of work and travel stress, im also just really anxious and Going Through it rn bc im like…trying to force a complete turn around in my recovery over the last couple days and my body is confused and my brain is confused and i feel like this is the timeframe i’d usually be in treatment center venting abt the refeeding process and complaining abt the superficial woes of weight gain and body changes but instead im really just trying to appreciate being here / trying to take advantage of Recovery Food here (abt to write a whole other post on scarcity mindset and a hotel breakfast buffet though bc holy shit im struggling with that) and trying to appreciate being here and exploring while !not! exploring too much and having it become a behavior

and it’s all just really hard

and actually i started this post to say that i am on my lunch break now and it was hard bc only 10 minutes ago a student lifted up my arm and called it flabby and asked me what my marks on my arms are (not the tattoos lol, the stretch marks) and said they looked like her grandmoms arms lmao tried to play it off and explain that bodies change and grow and look different and we should never touch other ppls bodies without permission etc etc but she’s young and i know it was forgotten in 2 seconds while i now have to come and each lunch with it on my mind

and im actually in the process of really working to accept my arms in particular, bc i know it’s something other ppl see; ive gotten comments from other ppl abt my stretchmarks since 4th grade lol. they bear my weight changes more signicantly than other places and my stretchmarks become really visible when i am tan. and the “flabby” is just fact. i could spend my days in the gym and it would still be there. i could lose 372956 lbs and it would be there. my body has been put through so much over the years and i am learning to accept it more and more each day, and i no longer dress to hide these things, but i definitely still have a pit in my stomach every time a kid stares a little too long or asks me to move my arm.

but anyway i will now still eat lunch

and then i will journal in my body acceptance journal that i specifically brought along in my carry on bc i knew this would be difficult and i am ready to try

okay

bye 🤸‍♂️

[friendofthecrows]

Major TW discussion of eating disorders

If I don't reblog posts that cross my dash about fatphobia, diet culture, etc or make them myself even with my experiences with it, it's not because I don't care or am fatphobic it's because I used to suffer from an eating disorder and every time I see one of those it carries like a 10% chance of just yeeting me back into all those old behaviors.

Like, it's the "people are going to judge you for how you look, people hate how you look, you don't want to be seen as disgusting, do you?" that really gets me. Even if my body is "healthy" (weight wise lol, I'm chronically ill so it never will be completely) even if it is "healthy" according to that BS system of BMI. Even if I know I'm not overweight, it is Incredibly Hard to stop those thoughts. Thinking about fatphobia for me is inherently tied to thinking about beauty standards, and the idea that if I don't carefully restrict my weight, I won't fit them, and I will be seen as hideous and disgusting and no one will like me and I won't even be able to like myself, so on.

Yes I know I have thin privilege, I'm not denying that that's a thing, but I am also not immune to all of this, and I also have my issues with it. I'm not going to explain my perfect storm of mental illnesses and traumatic experiences that contribute to my body being a thing I need to control and not part of me, to my proneness towards obsessive thoughts about the things I fear, mainly being hated, or that facilitate the ease with which I slip into self-harming patterns like depriving myself of food or sleep or anything else. I will explain that I was a teenager when I fell into my ED, and I can't even remember which year it really got bad because so much of that time is blurry, but I was a kid. The time people are most susceptible to developing eating disorders. The time when it's expected that you'll hate your body, and it's treated as okay and normal. We live in a society where hating yourself is what you're expected to do, at least for a couple of years. I was just as vulnerable as everyone else.

The only times I make posts about fatphobia and our horrible diet-culture are fueled by the painful rage of coming off of a relapse, where I feel compelled to express my anger at this whole weight loss culture luring me into so much pain again, where I desperately want to dissuade anyone else from falling into it. I want everyone to know what the facts are, and those facts are that not fitting the skinny ideal does not make you less healthy, in fact, statistically, it makes you MORE healthy, nor does it make you ugly. You should learn to love or at least not hate your body and for the love of anything you should not starve it.

I've experienced enough hunger pains and self-hate in my lifetime, I simply CANNOT spend all my energy and thoughts thinking about things that I KNOW will trigger me right back into my ED.

(Thinking of this bc a lot of posts like that are crossing my dash rn, and I know people will think I'm a bad person if I'm not reblogging any.)

(Also, I've had to try really hard to not fall back into it bc of other factors in my life rn and I swear I am so fucking close to my absolute limit I'm gonna tear someone apart. So rage may be coming a bit early)

[pacifymebby]

Hope I’m not bothering u but ahhh okay so I just feel super triggered tonight —- ED ref

So one of my friends parents friends (lol) has a photography business and was asking me if I knew anyone who has done previous modelling or would want to for something he’s working on… anyway, somehow it ends up with him asking me if I want to and I was happy to tbh cause it seems fun and chill for what he was doing but he wanted to see if I’d done any photos similar to what he had in mind before so I was gonna just get some that I chose but *I really wanted to be mad rn* he went through my Facebook photos from when I was deep in my ED + severely underweight that I forgot to delete and maaan sometimes I just see them and feel like if someone else looks at that and thinks it looks good then I feel like I should go back to that even tho I was so sick and idk it gets me in this mindset where I just feel so triggered I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror 😔

Have other stuff in my inbox I don't have the mental capacity to answer but I read this n dude it resonated so so hard!!!

First of all, like I would also be mad about someone doing that to me, even though like obviously I know the photos are public. I kinda feel like if u ask someone to give u photos of themselves you let them choose, you don't just scroll back through old photos and like, assert which ones are good.

Secondly I totally get what u mean about when other people see photos of u when u were sick and say you looked good, like for real, it makes me question whether I was even ill because sick people don't look "good" they look unwell. But in reality this isn't the case at all and you can never tell how healthy someone is just by looking at them. Especially when it comes to eating disorders like.

There are a lot of pictures of me around family members Houses or on my grandparents Facebook of me when I was very ill and people who don't know me but are friends with my gran have commented shit like "gorgeous" on them. I find it so weird and I try my best to just ignore them because they don't know me or how ill I was and honestly neither does my nan.

It's such a shame this has tainted what could have been such a chill and also like progressive experience for you and I really hope you don't let it stop you. For real they wouldn't have asked you if they didn't want to photograph the you that you are now!!

One thing I've noticed is that people who don't know you were ill or don't know you that well barely even notice the changes in your appearance over the years. My uncle who saw me maybe 4 times a year once said "you didn't ever look too thin" to me which I used to find really upsetting but like I realise now was him trying to be nice and also just him genuinely not being able to notice the subtle changes in my physical appearance that were indicative of my changing health.

I think for you the most important thing you can do is remind yourself how you felt in those pictures, I'm gonna take a guess and say you weren't satisfied with yourself? You weren't happy with how you looked? You lacked confidence/self esteem, felt uncomfortable maybe when you were being photographed. When you relapse with an ED or try to go back, you don't just lose weight, you lose the ability to feel comfortable with yourself ever. Just remind yourself of that emotional torture and keep telling yourself that appearances aren't important in comparison to that. Feeling comfortable with yourself is the most important thing, it doesn't matter what other people perceive to look good, other people can't see how you feel inside.

Also you just don't need to go back. Just because this one guy thought those photos of you looked good doesn't mean you weren't sick or thst you should go back to that (and remember we are all of us conditioned to perceive "skinny" as good by wellness capitalism and beauty industries who want to sell us impossible beauty standards to ensure we are always giving them our money whilst never achieving satisfaction!!!! Men especially are literally told what they should think looks good by the media)

At the end of the day anon you are gorgeous no matter what!! You don't need to change yourself one little bit because apart from anything else I say so!!! ❤️❤️❤️

[welcometomyrandompersonality]

Let’s talk PTSD Nightmares

Keeping in mind- this just applies to me. I have PTSD from childhood abuse. Yes it’s real. Yes it’s debilitating.

So I am having a horrible time rn so I feel like sharing what my nightmares function like. TW for mental health issues, abuse, aggression etc.

Everyone experiences ptsd differently. Triggers, reactions, dreams. All of it can and will be different from case to case. I can only speak for myself.

Post continues after a cute penguin gif because I’m on mobile and don’t know how to make the “Read more” button.

Alright let’s get into this. Last warning that TW content is gonna happen. My background and what happened to “justify” the dream will happen in each category.

Let’s talk about the Kinda Weird category:

These are the ones I have that are obviously trauma related-but I’m not in danger or too horribly upset or uncomfortable. For instance last night I screamed at my step mom in my dream. Felt therapeutic in the moment- triggering upon waking.

This woman hated me. She lies daily to my siblings that I don’t love them. I was disowned at 19 for reporting my dads abuse towards them. Clearly I love them a hell of a lot.

But when I woke up i was momentarily proud I chewed out my abuser and won the argument. Then it faded to wondering if she was right to hate me (obviously a result of manipulation and gas lighting), I couldn’t even stop it or try my coping mechanisms because it was basically my first thought of full consciousness this morning- once full panic or self hate kicks in for me I basically have to just let it run it’s course and distract myself so I don’t relapse.

Could be stress, but more vivid

This category is kind of the grey area. I’ve had nightmares since I was a kid. They change as I get older.

In this category (and spills into the next) are things like monsters, school nightmares, etc.

I have two examples for this category- one much more likely to be ptsd than stress and the other more grey area. 

1) from a young age I would have nightmares about a giant robot destroying everything. This would go on and on and eventually I would find the magic weapon that defeated it right before it killed me. I would defeat it at the last second. This always took place in the first neighborhood I remember. Clearly ptsd, the house went to my abuser in the divorce, the robot is obviously representative of my abuser, the weapon a desire to defeat abuse and succeeding. At the same time I had just been exposed to Iron Giant and Wizard of Oz (I always melted the robot with the garden hose) when they started and those tones are common in this.

2) In middle school I started having a nightmare about the school nurse turning into the swamp monster and chasing me and my friends through the school. This is a gray area because I have ALOT of dreams about being chased and unable to escape. But I was also in middle school and isn’t that just a rough time for everyone?

OPE:

This category is the really bad ones- the ones people who dream rarely etc might get freaked out by.

These are the dreams where I’m in immediate danger or die. I won’t describe details because I’ll probably get banned or something. A lot have me failing at saving myself or others. Stands up for myself and get attacked. Most recently dreamt: I flipped off a driver for almost hitting me (as a pedestrian). Felt good, tried to get in my car and he blocked me in. The locks on the doors failed. Another driver joined in the attack. I forced myself awake as things turned violent. Before my current therapist I would not have been able to escape that dream. I have a sleep disorders that makes it hard to wake up fully a lot of the time. I’m able to change the topic of dream better now and at least end one nightmare most of the time. I’ve been injured in these dreams. Bad shit happens in these dreams. And they’re all about me failing. (Imagine how much of a stink my abuser gave me over Cs in school)

Through good therapy and self practice I’ve been able to start to manage my nightmares more. I’m starting to recognizing when I’m dreaming-meaning I sometimes have control over if I can wake up enough to end it or change it. Sometimes I can’t but it’s slowly easier to move forward from them. Sometimes I know I’m dreaming and I can’t wake up at all. I wake up and scream for help through dream-ception™️ until I get to the last level and wake up with my whole body rigid and sweaty and shaking. My Apple Watch loves watchingy heart rate spike during this. Honestly these are my least favorite (hey you gotta rank it when you have as many dreams as I do)

I do have “normal” dreams too. Some favs include anything based in a fandom, my partner and I, blissful witch things lol

These are just my ptsd dreams. Everyone is different and sources of trauma and reactions to it vary greatly. Remember ptsd can show up in everything from severe anxiety to specifically doing everything the anxious person would cry to even think about. It can be openness to talk to everyone about the trauma, or it can be refusal to discuss it.

[rynhaswritersblock]

new york boy (hc) | p.p.

a/n: 50TH IMAGINE WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWWWWWWWWWWW!! this shit go 🅱razy!

summary: life is hard when you visit your uncle in new york and all of a sudden there's a cute boy named peter parker in your life (i suck at summaries just stick with me here)

warnings: the usual fluff/hella cussing + like a minute of slight angst, also DEADASS THIS IS LIKE 8.5K WORDS I GOT SO SO SOOOOOO CARRIED AWAY AHSAHDJFKSNFK

ALSO I APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONSISTENCIES OR TYPOS OR ANYTHING I LITERALLY WROTE THIS OVER A FEW DAYS AND GOT SO CARRIED AWAY WITH DIFFERENT PLOTLINES AND BASICALLY WHAT IM SAYING IS THIS IS VERY VERY CHAOTIC BUT I HOPE YOU GUYS GET THE POINT LOL

+ + +

- SECOND HEADCANON IN A ROW YEAHYEAH

- you guys i've had a one direction relapse i was literally Obsessed with them like eight years ago (when they were still together rip) and all of a sudden they are just living in my brain Rent Free once again

- btw harry is my favorite and always has been. call me basic but it's been an eight year bond so try and fight that 😌✋

- anyways time to write the actual fucking story

- haha Oops!

- no i didn't accidentally spell oops "opps" at first. the fact that you even think that is complete absurdity

- CAN LITTLE THINGS BY 1D STOP MAKING ME EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW

- this is the eighth bullet point and i have yet to get into the actual story holy fuck

- guys i just watched knives out (yeah i know i'm late whatever) and i haven't fully processed it yet but it was Muy Bueno!

- STEAL MY GIRL IS PLAYING

i knowwww i knowwww i knowwww for sure

EVERYBODY WANNA STEAL MY GIRL

EVERYBODY WANNA TAKE HER HEART AWAY

- i am so sorry

- OKAY THIS IS WHERE THE ACTUAL STORY STARTS HOLY SHIT

- yeah ❤

- SO BASICALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- fuck what is this imagine about again?

- OH RIGHT

- OKAY

- YOU'RE TONY STARK'S NIECE OKAY

- don't ask me how that works i have No Fucking Clue (which i'm sure you've gathered at this point)

- (i don't know what i'm doing)

- y'all i've got a headache but ❤ nevertheless she persisted ❤

- so basically

- you live like

- not... in new york...?????????

- so like SOMEWHERE ELSE

- let's say you live in like california

- YEAHYEAH OKAY

- SO LIKE YK HOW TONY USED TO LIVE IN CALI

- so you and uncle tones (😌) were super close when he lived in cali and he'd like pick you up from school and get you ice cream and basically be the Coolest Uncle Ever

- ur mom (let's say she's tony's sister) would be like 🙄 whenever he'd goof around with u but she loved y'all's relationship

- ain't that fluffy

- but THEN

- tony moved to new york

- bitch how fucking rude is that

- so u were like

- a little dead inside

- but that was when you were like six so time moved at Hyper Speed back then and you don't really like Remember the Pain 😀

- OH AND BY THE WAY KINDA IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE!!!!!

- SINCE UR MOM GOT MARRIED SHE TOOK YOUR DAD'S LAST NAME (aka l/n) AND YOU KEEP THE FACT THAT TONY IS YOUR UNCLE A SECRET FOR LIKE SAFETY REASONS IG LOL

- Anyways! from there on you only visit once a year and be there for a week

- but u best BELIEVE those visits were HYPE AS FUCK YEAHYEAH

- when you turned 13 ur mom surprised you by finally letting you start going by yourself

- badass 13 year old y/n 😌

- so u were like Heck Yeah!

- YeahYeah 😀😀😀

- happy picks you up from the airport and ur like "uh hi"

- ANYWAYS THE POINT IS YOU START TRAVELLING TO NEW YORK ALONE

- SO!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE NOW IN PRESENT TIME

- you go on your annual trip

- happy picks you up as per usual

- the usual awkward convo goes on which typically goes something like:

"are you excited to see your uncle" "yeah" "cool" "mhmm"

- yeah ❤

- but anyways by the time you're like 10 mins away you're practically Bouncing in your seat

- happy is like.... Girl. Calm Down! 😀

"oh by the way tony has the kid over today"

- bro Huh???????????

- ??????

- "the kid" Very Specific Thank You!

- you're like "who tf is the kid"

"spider-man"

......

😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

- your head SPINS over to happy

"he's SPIDER-MAN?"

- happy just gets that Smug Smile Look on his face (y'all know the face) and shrugs, pulling into the garage

- you JUMP out of the car

- you wanna see sum real speed?

"identific-"

"FRIDAY! it's y/n let me in!!!"

- bitch calm down

"welcome back, y/n"

- WANNA SEE SUM REAL SPEED? 2.0

- you BUST through the doors

- not to mention your backpack is Barely Hanging On and happy is still in the garage hurling your suitcase out of the trunk

- sorry happy 😔😔

- happy ain't lookin so happy rn!

"friday, where's my uncle?"

"he's in the laboratory"

- WANNA SEE SUM REAL SPEED?????? 3.0

- go! go! go! go! go! go! go! go!

- spinch🥬spinch🥬spinch🥬spinch🥬spinch🥬spinch🥬spinch🥬spinch🥬spinch🥬spinch🥬spinch🥬spinch🥬spinch🥬spinch🥬spinch🥬spinch🥬spinch🥬

- you FLY down the stairs to the lab

- tony looks over and a smile immediately breaks on his face

- you look disheveled as HELL cause you're like panting and Far Too Excited

- peter looks over and sees you and is like 0_0

- as soon as you see peter you're ALSO like 0_0

- he cute

- wait no fuck he's HOT

"short-circuit!"

- you manage to tear your eyes from peter Somehow and look over at tony, smiling like a madwoman as you jump into his arms and give him a hug

"short-circuit?"

- oh damn

- this kid's Voice!!!!!!!!!!

- adorable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- you and tony pull apart and tony explains the nickname

"peter, this is y/n, my niece. short-circuit just so happens to come from when this idiotic girl will be talking about something when we're in the lab and she suddenly drifts off and gets this zoned out look on her face. she short-circuits, basically"

- peter's Still like 0_0

- his brain can't even Function Properly because tony was just explaining the next updates to peter's suit and then you're here and you're really pretty and tony apparently has a niece? and Everything Is Happening!!!!!!!!

"well im so sorry that i drift off because my brain is coming up with super cool stuff, which usually tends to make your little inventions even better. let's not forget me figuring out how to properly program JARVIS"

- *not peter's 0_0 look managing to amplify*

- eyebrows are RAISED

- (also quick moment of silence for jarvis i miss him 😔)

in memoriam:

graphic design is my passion 2.0

fyi graphic design is my passion is becoming a new ~segment~ on these hcs because i love making them and i deadass couldn't stop laughing at my last one

- okay back to Da Program

- all tony does is scoff, clapping you on the back

"anyways... peter's interning for me, so i was just explaining-"

- intern? i don't think so!

- time to be a stark and fuck things up!

- YEAHYEAH

"happy told me he was spider-man? the suit is literally on that table over there? unless he's doing both spider-man and an internship? which is honestly impressive, i mean-" you look over at peter, "with school and everything- unless you don't go to school, but still-"

- you look back over and tony and this man is.........

- he's got that Look on his face you know what i'm talking about

"dammit, now i gotta go yell at happy"

"oh shit was i not supposed to know?"

- tony gives you an exasperated look and you're like Oops!

"it would've been better if you didn't know. just don't go running that big mouth of yours"

- you give him an offended look before being like Okay Fine Whatever

- tony is just tired and peter's standing there like OH FUCK UH OKAY??????????

- aka that one scene in infinity war

moving on

"y/n, your room is set up. i'm gonna finish up here with pete and then we can go get cheeseburgers. deal?"

- you smile and nod, giving tony a kiss on the cheek (signature stark move)

- (i'm sad now)

- (fuck)

- you start to walk off and look over at peter

"it was nice meeting you, peter"

- mans is like Oh! Who? Me!

"oH- uh- y- yeah, it was nice meeting you, too"

- you give him a small smile and walk up the stairs out of the lab

- fucking dopey ass smile on your face because YOU JUST MET CUTE BOY SPIDERMAN AND HES CUTE AND HOT AND KJSDFHKSDJF FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

- peter looks back from watching you walk away and makes sure you're out of earshot

- fyi his ears are like Red Red and homeboy looks WHIPPED

- silly goose. fools fall in love

"i-um, i didn't know you had a niece?"

- tony just kind of scoffs

- very original reaction, tony! Never Been Done before, Especially by you! Wow!

"and i didn't realize how little time it takes for you to fall in love. i mean the bar was low but, jeez, kid"

"wait- no- i'm not in love"

"hmm okay. but if i catch you pulling something i will not hesitate to say i told you s-"

"no- yeah- that won't be, uh, that won't be a problem, mr stark"

- yeah tell that to your FACE peter

- he's like No! Of Course Not! meanwhile his face is just 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

- why are emojis so goddamn funny. they're the stupidest shits ever but i love them so much

- ANYWAYS!

- you go to your room and unpack and everything and yeahyeah whatever

- btw tony Knows you so when he first moved into the headquarters he immediately set aside a room for you with a view he knew you'd love and like all ur favorite things (posters, comfy bed and pillows and blankets, any instruments u like to play etc) because Uncle Tony is Bae Man

- then tony like sticks his head in and knocks on the doorframe

- ur like "hola!" (soy dora!)

- is that what she says? fuck idk i didn't take spanish and have the memory of a breadcrumb anyways!

"y/n i think you made my intern fall in love with you"

- bro Huh?????????/

- cute random slash ryn! Very Good At Typing!

"what on earth do you mean?"

- on the inside though ur like YEAHYEAH

- MOVING ON I'M GETTING A BIT DETAILED AND IT'S CONFUSING MY DICKHEAD OF A BRAIN

- you and tony get cheeseburgers yeahyeah okay

- so you have the whole week in nyc right

- guess what

- guess

- the fuck

- what

- can i just make my goddamn point already goodness gracious

- these hcs are literally me just writing down every single thought i have while writing these

- you guys do be living rent free in my brain 0_0

- OH MY GOD ANYWAYS

- you best BELIEVE peter is at headquarters

- every

- fucking

- day

- YEAHYEAH

- now the whole reason for that is

- when you got back from the Cheeseburger Extravaganza! tony called peter and was like

"sup bitch"

- i'm kidding

"kid listen my niece needs a friend and at this point maybe even a boyfriend. she hasn't managed to pull anyone yet and you'd be a nice fit ANYWAYS come over tomorrow and show her around new york"

- now, hearing this, peter cannot breathe

- internal monologue be like holyhdhdjhksjdbfhitshitskjfdbjfk

- basically me

- my thoughts

- ✨always✨

- the inner snape in me just came out SORRY

- I JUST MADE MY SCREEN SMALL WHAT THEFUDBS

- oh i fixed it

- okay so YEAH

- peter wakes up next morning and pays SO MUCH ATTENTION TO THE WAY HE LOOKS

- puts on his best science pun tee (i love him so much wtf) and makes sure his hair is just right

- aunt may is like o_0

- Hmm...... something Hinky is going on!

(once you get your bearings, find the carpet that covers the taillight, peel back the carpet, make a fist, punch the taillight out the back of the car, thus creating a hole in the back of the automobile, then stick your little hand out and wave to oncoming motorists to let them know that something hinky is going on!)

- bae man john mulaney

- i can't hear or even fucking THINK of the word hinky without thinking of detective jj bittenbinder STREETSMARTS

- shut up! you're all gonna dieSTREETSMARTS

- guys i'm starting to think i have ADHD

- oh my god okay BACK TO THE FUCKING STORY COME ON KAMRYN

- writing my full/actual name on here felt weird as fuck. dunno how often i'll be doing that okay anyways

- peter gets to headquarters and is immediately met by thor

"ah, the spider!"

0_0

"sir stark said something about you coming today to show madam y/n around the city!"

- thor gives peter the biggest pat on the back and peter Does Not Know How To Act

"uh, yeah, that's um.. that's what i'm doing"

- thor smiles (the smile he gives hulk in that one scene in ragnarok makes me LOSE MY MIND it's so FUNNY)

- can my cat stop rubbing her face on my laptop goddamn

- I MADE MY SCREEN SMALL AGAIN WTF

- okay reset ANYWAYS

- take a shot every time i say anyways

- hi i'm editing this imagine rn and according to ctrl+f i wrote "anyways" 20 times. time to get blackout drunk and chug a bottle of perfume everyone!

- Not Me with the john mulaney reference Again!

- thor's like "go get em kid"

- peters like "y-yeah thanks"

- gets in the elevator and he's still so flustered and confused and anxious

- his voice fucking CRACKS when he asks friday to take him to your floor

- why is it so cute when boys' voices crack wtf

- when he reaches ur door his heart is like WANNA SEE SUM REAL SPEED? 4.0

- he just knocks quietly and ur like "yeah?"

- ohgodohfuckohgodohfuckohgodohfuck

- peter opens the door and the LOOK ON HIS FACE

- he (⊙ˍ⊙)

- as soon as you see him you go into Fight Or Flight ur like (ง •_•)ง...?

- but u regain ur composure cause ur a stark 😎

"oh, hi peter!"

"hey, um,"

- he like slowly walks in

- mans is So Unsure of what he's allowed to do

- ur just like My Man it is OKAY

"mr. stark- your uncle-"

- yes peter i know hes my uncle

"so i said to her, 'we've been married for three and a half years.' and she knew that."

no i will not stop with the john mulaney quotes do not even try me (Do Not Fuck With Me)

"told me to show you around new york today"

- ur like O Shit Okay?

- you already know tony is tryna pull some SHIT because this is deadass like the idk..... at LEAST tenth time you've been to new york??????

- you tell peter you'll be ready in a few and he just cautiously sits on your bed cause he's so unsure of everything (babey)

- the two of you talk about the whole story about you and tony and stuff

"so yeah then he moved to new york and i've just been visiting him for a week once a year"

"wait"

- you look over, aggressively shoving on ur shoes and peter's just Thinking

"if you've been here before then why does mr. stark want me to show you around"

- you shrug

"he's weird like that"

- so ANYWAYS (take a shot!)

- ur ready n stuff so the two of you leave

- sam is being himself ofc so he starts clapping for the two of you and whooping as you walk past

- bucky starts clapping too but he doesn't know what he's clapping for so he's just looking around like o_0? 👏

- (he eventually sees the two of you though and smiles SO BRIGHT)

- sam's like

"I KNOW THE TWO OF YOU JUST MET BUT DAMN Y/N'S BEEN NEEDING A MAN!"

- you turn and almost beat the Fuck out of that bird-man ur like:

┗|｀O′|┛

- WHY IS THT SO FUNYNJFDN

we ┗|｀O′|┛┗|｀O′|┛┗|｀O′|┛┗|｀O′|┛┗|｀O′|┛

WHAT THE FUCKDBGKDJFGNSKDJFNHEHAHHFSBJDFA

┗|｀O′|┛I'M WALKIN HERE!

- oh my god ANYWAYS (TAKE A SHOT)

- tony just chillin in the back with a smug look on his face

- so you guys just start walking through the streets and peter just points out random things

"this is where an old lady gave me a churro"

"right up there is where i did a flip for this guy at a hot dog cart"

"i hung a bike robber right here- oh shoot well like i didn't hang him but i like suspended him in the air.. with my web.... if you, uh, know what i'm sayingi'mgonnastoptalkingnow"

- ur like bitch if you keep acting like this (aka like yourself) imma start Acting Up

- it's Too Cute

- the two of you take the subway to get to queens so he can show you around His Area Of New York

- which is a whole experience cause it's

- the fucking

- subway

- in new york

- you see a subway rat and you get SO EXCITED

- the fucking brightest smile is on your face and peter just looks at you in awe because it's a fucking rat but for some reason you got so happy over it???????

- the subway car was PACKED AS HELL (aka peter. we all know it)

- (there's NO WAY peter's dick is small moving on)

- so the two of you are forced to hold onto the pole things

- and since cali doesn't have subways and subway poles are not something you generally see

- does it? i've never fucking been there i shouldn't be spitting facts that probably aren't actually facts

- for the sake of this imagine california does not have subways

😌

- you decide to Pull a Move and fucking wrap your leg around it, laughing as you spin slightly

- very ungracefully might i add

- we're talking about y/n. the Clumsy Messy Hair Bitch from every goddamn book on this app

- can we talk about how y/n is a whole ass character. like ask anyone who reads fanfic to describe y/n and they Would Not describe themselves DESPITE THE FACT THAT Y/N LITERALLY MEANS "YOUR NAME"

- anyways (two shots of vodka *glug glug*)

- peter gets slightly flustered at your stripper move but covers it up with a laugh

- something about The Way peter's holding onto the pole above ur head is VERY ATTRACTIVE

- now is the time to go look back at the gif i used for this imagine

"what's a camera like you doing in a place like this?"

- fuck you tom for being cute shut up

- the car stumbles and

- CLICHE MOMENT ALERT y'all know what's going on

- you stumble slightly and peter (speedy spidey reflexes) quickly grabs you by the waist to steady you

- AWKWARD MOMENT

- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

"thanks"

"oh- yeah, uh, no problem"

- he like... awkwardly pulls his hand away from your waist and suddenly his hand feels like a fucking lead balloon with No Purpose so he just stuffs it in his pocket because Pockets!

- you lowkey wish he'd kept his hand on your waist OOPS

- we desperate for human contact 😔

- the two of y'all get off the subway at his stop and as soon as you step out into the like Actual Street or Whatever you're like 😀 cause it's so PRETTY and it's peter's home so it's even more exciting

- you get lunch at delmar's (ofc)

- mr delmar kept making suggestive eyes between the two of you so you were like o_0

- but it was SO CUTE BECAUSE PETER AND MR DELMAR JUST HAD SUCH A CUTE RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER

- AND FUCKING MR DELMAR HAD THE BALLS TO GO

"supongo que ya no preguntarás por mi hija, eh?"

- WHICH

- IF YOU DON'T SPEAK SPANISH CAUSE I SURE AS HELL DON'T

- thank u google translate for the assistance😌

- TRANSLATES TO "guess you won't be asking about my daughter anymore, huh?"

como estas tu hija eh?

that'll be ten dollars

IT'S FIVE DOLLARS

- anyways (shots! shots! shots shots shots shots! shots!)

- ur like Bro Huh and peter's like NOTHING

- and fucking 🅱ETER

- this BITCH

- ALSO HAD THE BALLS TO FUCKING REPLY IN SPANISH

"ella es la hija del señor stark" (she's mr. stark's daughter)

- ngl you couldn't breathe for a second

- cause who The Fuck can when 🅱eter 🅱ucking 🅱arker speaks ESPAÑOL

- ????????????? WHO

- moving on (not saying a****** to give you a break from the shots you're welcome)

- you get your sandwiches and they fucking SLAP

- peter smiles SO HARD WHEN HE SEES YOUR REACTION CAUSE HE'S SO EXCITED THAT YOU LIKE HIS FAVORITE SANDWICH (not you saying "i'll have what he has" just because you were too busy thinking about him speaking spanish oops)

- the two of you share a bag of gummy worms

- overall 11/10 experience

- i got a bit carried away with that and we're running on over 3000 (rip) words here so i'm gonna hurry this up goodness fuck

- editing ryn here to say HAHA 3000 words little did i Fucking Know

- the two of you get back to headquarters and peter DROPS YOU OFF AT YOUR ROOM LIKE THE GENTLEMAN HE IS AND IT'S KINDA AWKWARD BECAUSE HOW ON EARTH WOULDN'T IT BE BUT HE'S SO CUTE SO IT'S OKAY

- ngl you lay on your bed for a second like "wait was that a date?"

- peter legit just walks to the end of the hallway before closing his eyes and leaning back against the wall, letting out a sigh

- he's like holy shit i need to stop getting so whipped over girls within less than 24 hours

- then fucking sir STANK rounds the corner

"hey, pete! how was showing short-circuit around?"

"oh, hi, uh, it was good"

- this boy is fucking Flustered As Hell

"good? good. what'd y'all do?"

"we, just, um, walked around and i showed her around queens, too"

- tony just looks at him for a second and is like damn this kid needs a break i'll lay off of him

- so like the Cool Guy he is he like awkwardly pats peter on the shoulder and walks over to your room

- u and tones have a convo about your day and you end up gushing about it a little bit OOPS

- tony is so proud of himself him and his egotistical ass Goodness

- a n y w a y s  ( t a k e  a  s h o t ! )

- peter ends up coming over everyday because It's Summer! and he has No Life!

- just thought i'd let you know that i have spent the last couple days binge watching bestdressed's videos and now everything i write down is being narrated by ashley

- actually fuck that everything i THINK is narrated by ashley

- also can we gush about her in the comments like she seems like the coolest person ever and like the big sister i never had and she's so open about her life and funny and quirky but in a good way and i just have So Much Respect For Her!!!!!!!!!!!

- and i want her apartment SO BAD I'M LITERALLY OBSESSED WITH IT

- THE FUCKING FIRE ESCAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

- not me having a weird obsession with fire escapes ever since reading/writing peter parker fics which tend to involve them in some way or another

- SO YEAH peter's hanging around a lot

- at first it's a bit weird cause you're like..... You Don't Live Here.....??????????? but At This Point You Almost Do????????????????

- AIN'T NO COMPLAINTS THOUGH

- the two of you break the ice pretty quick

- the night of the day after peter showed you around (did that make any sense at all probably not) you were just chilling in your room watching uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

- let me think rq

- um okay uhhhhhh (bonus points to you if you read that in peter's voice)

- OKAY SO YOU'RE WATCHING LADY BIRD (bomb movie)

- fun fact time! i like saying "what you do is very baller" at random times because idk why but that line makes me laugh SO HARD

- timothee's character in general was just..... so............

- ????????????

- yeah so you're watching lady bird and peter passes your doorway cause he was "going on a walk"

- headass

- you see him and ur like o_0

"peter?"

- bitch fucking TRIPS

- oh u got me trippinnnnn oh stumblinnnnn oh flippinnnnnnn oh fumblinnnn oh

- clumsy cause i'm falling in ~love~

- are those the right lyrics? eh whatever

- CANADA EH

ah the serotonin.. okay MOVING ON

"y-yeah? oH hi y/n didntuhhhhhhh didn't see you there"

- he's casually scratching the back of his neck because he's nervy

"yeah, i'm, um..."

- YOU'RE NERVY TOO

- composure equals regained though bc stark. yeah!

- my thoughts are........ incoherent

"i'm watching lady bird, uh, if you wanna join"

- WATCH A MOVIE?

- WITH YOU?????????????????

- hells yeah!

"o-oh, yeah, sure"

- mans awkwardly waddles in and sits at the edge of your bed

"you can like... lay down, peter. i don't bite"

- he just awkwardly lays down and his side lightly presses against yours

- you have to shut your eyes for a second because MAN does unexpected contact from a boy have such a big effect on you

- not even kidding one of my guy friends patted me on the head as he walked past my desk and i DEADASS GOT BUTTERFLIES I WAS SO ASHAMED

- LIKE WHAT THE FUCK WHO ALLOWED THAT ???????????????

- so anyways (🥂)

- why isn't there a shot glass emoji this is discrimination (i'm kidding)

- the movie was great like

- you and peter would just laugh at random parts and eventually just started critiquing every little moment

- it ended up as a very great moment very nice very cool

- we like furthering our relationships with cute boys :D

- those of you who have been following the story (on my message board) abt the boy i'm talking to aka furthering my relationship with... yeahyeah!

- essentially you and peter start hanging out every day

- the Chemistry you have is Unmatched

- like you just clicked really well

- mainly y'all just watch tv in the commons

- you binge watch i'm not okay with this even though you've already seen it

- peter's like "so why do you like this show so much?"

- ur like 0_0 ... "the plot"

THE PLOT IN QUESTION: stanley barber

- who happens to give me peter parker vibes a little bit

- food network turns on and it takes you like five minutes tops to migrate to the kitchen

- the brownies y'all made did not turn out well

- bucky took a bite, made a face, then smirked

"you two put weed in here?"

- no, bitch, we just suck at baking

- lots of late night convos ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

- BIG ICEBREAKERS THERE

"wait so like... how big do you expect our dicks to be"

"peter what the fuck"

"i'm curious!"

- if you haven't had one of those convos with someone of the opposite gender... You Haven't Lived

- also why do guys like talking about their dicks so much???? the amount of comments they make about them during those convos.. meanwhile i'm just trying to figure out their personality 😔

- the two of you even spend time in the lab together

- this is when he sees ~short-circuit~ in action

- y'all are doing some dumbass experiment idk

- OOH IDEA

- so y'all are making ✨something✨ for an upgrade on peter's suit

- my idea was only half developed don't make fun of me

- and you make a Stunning Realization and fucking SPIN around in your chair to face peter

- ur just rambling making science-y smart connections and peters like holy shit she's a fucking genius of course she is how on earth did she just

- and then as you get further into your discovery you suddenly just cut off and stare into the distance with this Super Serious Look on your face

- THE WAY THAT AS I WROTE "SUPER" 1D WENT "I CAN'T BE NO SUPERMAN"

(but for you i'll be superhuman!)

- then you just SPIN AROUND in your chair and start working on the suit again

- peter's just like 0_0 for a moment

"huh, okay"

- it takes you a few seconds to realize he even said anything but then you look up and ur like 0_0 (we're gonna have to start taking a shot every time i use that face goodness fuck)

"what?"

"you short-circuited!"

- he's all giddy and smiley about it too cause he FINALLY UNDERSTANDS

"shut up, parker"

- peter Totally has a thing for being called parker i just know it

- MY CAT JUST JUMPED UP AND CLAWED ME

- greedy bitch

- AS I WAS SAYING...

- once you get in the ~thing~ that you designed for the suit

- okay i really need to think of an actual upgrade give me a min

- OKAY SO YOU MADE A VOICE CHANGER

- wow very cool, me! innovation that Excites!

- we're just gonna ignore the fact that the interrogation protocol has a voice changer got it? yeahyeah

- peter's like No Way when you tell him you finished it

- you slip on the mask and tell karen to activate the Grown Man Protocol (not peter being offended by the name)

- you start talking and immediately BUST OUT LAUGHING because you sound like Siri

- and since you're Hella Genius you made it so you could change the voices just like how siri is

- so suddenly you're a BRITISH MAN

- you and peter can't stop laughing

- you give it to peter and then you're like

"wait no try it on with the suit too"

- peter's like o_0?

"for effect!"

- walter beckett?

- TOM?

- okay whatever

- peter's like

"okay um i'm just gonna uh... change over here"

- you nod and turn around

- just the sound of his clothes hitting the ground itself gives you butterflies

- and then you realize

- you can deadass See Him Through The Reflection Of The Microscope

- is that even possible? for the sake of this imagine Yes

- your face gets SO HOT

- it's a very small reflective area thing so not a lot of detail but ENOUGH TO SHOW HIS TONED SEXY ASS PHYSIQUE

- fucking crush me peter please i beg it would be an honor

"i want you to do it so i can stomp you with my hooves, i'm so fucking crazy"

- (crazy for you, peter!)

"okay it's on"

- you practically BLAST around in your seat because the VOICE IS WORKING AND IT'S STILL BRITISH

- peter your tom is showing

- ngl though you couldn't stop thinking about how peter looked through the reflection and you didn't even want to THINK about how he would look-

...

- you know

- in all actuality you did want to think about it like think about it for literally the rest of your life if you could but we're gonna ignore that

- nonetheless the experience was Muy Bueno Very Fun and you and peter spent a solid hour just messing with the voices

- ALSO!!!!!!!!!! another plotline: WHEN PETER'S AT HEADQUARTERS FOR A LEGITIMATE REASON

- that reason being training

- let me just say

- even though he only trained twice during ur visit

- you fucking CHERISHED those moments

- because when peter told you the night before his training session that he would be training in the morning you were like Hmm...... I Need To See This

- so you deadass "take a walk" (Very Peter Of You) by the training room

- and ur met with the sight of this:

i hate him so fucking much

who the FUCK ALLOWED THIS i can't breathe

- you definitely take out your phone to snap a few pics DON'T EVEN LIE TO ME YOU WOULD

- ur camera is on live mode too 😌

- then you run away before you get caught but DAMN

- when you go back to your room you just Inspect those pics like a crazy person and keep replaying the live

- then u look at the time

"friday, when does peter's training end?"

"peter parker's training is scheduled to finish in two minutes"

- TWO MINUTES?

- SAY LESS!

- you check yourself in the mirror before ZOOMING downstairs and distracting yourself in the kitchen

- silently thanking the gods (thor?) that no one was in the kitchen when you got there

- (hi i'm getting carried away with this mini plot so just like don't mind it)

- (carried away as in i really really did get carried away LOL)

- you're like what the fuck i can't just Stand Here in the Middle of the Kitchen so you grab some strawberries from the refrigerator and start cutting them up (they just Taste Better that way don't fight me) for a "snack"

THE SNACK IN QUESTION: peter

- yeah ❤

- just as you pop one into your mouth peter walks in to get a glass of water

- now let me just set the scene:

you: mouth in a weird 'o' shape as your mouth forgets how to chew because fucking peter just walked in peter: curly hair a sweaty mess, skin glistening with sweat, wearing black shorts and a gray tank top which Just Fucking Ends You, his usual adorable baby face, oh and he's also panting cause he's fucking exhausted and now you're also out of breath because damn that is Hot strawberries: chopped

"oh, hi y/n"

- the fucking PANTING

- why is breathing heavy so hot?

- i think we all know

"hey, peter"

- shoutout to your stark genes for giving you fake confidence whenever you need it

"want any strawberries?"

- he fucking chugs half of his water just Right In Front Of You

the jawline i hate him so much can he shut up right now like genuinely please shut the fuck up goodness fucking gracious tom

jk please step on me

- he swallows and has Finally Caught his Breath

"oh, yeah, thank you"

- he just walks over to you

- as if he doesn't look the way he does

- and just grabs a strawberry and pops it into his mouth

- nonchalantly or whatever

- you pray to THOR he can't hear your heart as it fucking SLAMS AGAINST YOUR STERNUM

- it's beating so fast it's like LET ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- he hums

"strawberries taste so much better after training"

- you know what would taste better after training?

- lol

"thank you for the snack, i'm gonna go shower now"

- he elbows you and smiles lightly

- you almost can't speak because it's all Far Too Much for you to handle rn

"no problem, peter"

- as if you weren't having a heart attack okay

- i really got caught up in that but WHATEVER

- ladies and gents we are running on over 5k words at this point holy shit

- SO I'M GONNA START WRAPPING THIS UP A LITTLE

- basically you and peter become good friends by the end of your trip

- and then

- the dreaded

😔

- time to leave, bros

- the night before is kinda weird cause you and peter are just hanging out on the roof of headquarters because why not

"leaving new york usually doesn't feel as weird as this"

- peter looks over at you

- btw at this point 🅱eter is Beyond Whipped so he's fucking SAD that you're going home

"what do you mean?"

- the two of you share a look and it's very sad because you both know that you've become really good friends and both want a bit more

- part of you considers being a baddie and just trying to like at LEAST kiss him tonight (maybe more wink wink) so you could at least have that before you go but you chicken out

- the two of you say goodbye that night because your flight is at the Crack of Dawn

- he awkwardly pulls you in for a hug and suddenly you deeply consider locking yourself in your room so nobody can make you leave

- and then you remember vision can fucking Hover through walls and you're like Well Damn!

- you hug him tightly (a bit too tight yeah maybe)

- when you pull apart this Bitch literally goes

"well it was nice meeting you"

- you CAN'T FUCKING HOLD IT IN AND JUST MAKE THE MOST OBSCENE LAUGHING NOISE

"peter we spent a week together and you're acting like we had a 5 minute encounter"

"i don't know how to act!"

- me neither, peter. me neither

- so you leave in the morning and you're fucking UPSET

- tony is in the car with you and happy and he WONT STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU AND PETER BECAUSE YOU SPENT AT LEAST HALF OF YOUR TIME WITH HIM

- YOU'RE LIKE SHUT UP I'M GOING THROUGH A HEARTBREAK OVER A BOY I'VE KNOWN FOR SEVEN DAYS

- aren't we all

- your goodbye to tony is sad but like Not Even As Sad as your goodbye with peter which is KINDA MESSED UP BUT

- the heart wants what it wants

- and just when you get on the plane

- is when you realize

- you and peter didn't get each other's numbers

...

- Wtf 💔

- so THE WHOLE PLANE RIDE IS SAD

- YOU LISTEN TO MUSIC AND DRAMATICALLY LOOK OUT THE WINDOW LIKE UR IN A SAD MUSIC VIDEO FOR HALF THE FLIGHT

- YOU ALSO REWATCH LADY BIRD :,(((((((((((((((((((((((( in remembrance of the good old times

- when you get home you're like kinda happy to be home but you miss new york and tony and peter and everyone So Much

- even ur mom notices she's like 🤨 Hmm... this Ain't The Usual!

- so this is where the request ended off but i'm adding to it because i do Not want to leave this on an angsty note

- I'M ABOUT TO HIT 6K WORDS BUT IT'S FINE

- LET'S CRANK THIS OUT WOOT WOOT

- so peter just so happens to wake up that morning and SIT UP VERY QUICKLY AS IT HITS HIM

- (ur like on ur flight probably zooming over the Goddamn Midwest)

- he has the same realization that you did

"may!"

- the woman RUNS in she's like WHATISEVERYTHINGOKAYAREYOUOKAY

"i just realized i didn't get y/n's number"

- woman melts she's like i thought you were fucking DYING goddamn spider bitch boy

- but then she melts even more because she didn't even need peter to tell her how Whipped he is

"awh, i'm sorry hon"

- next time peter goes to headquarters he talks to tony and the mans just like This Is Your Fault!

- but then nat pops in

"peter, you do realize you could probably find her on social media, right"

- moment of silence for you and peter's stupidity because somehow Neither Of You Thought Of That???????????

- rip

- as soon as he leaves from training (looking Sexy As Hell) he searches your name on instagram

- "y/n stark"

- and nothing shows up

- because you never told him your actual last name because IT NEVER CAME UP

- he just assumed it was stark cause why wouldn't he

- SO HE'S LIKE :,)

- until his next time at headquarters

"mr. stark i couldn't find her on instagram"

- tony's like i really got this kid hooked huh

"pretty sure she has one, pete"

"well i looked her up! y/n stark. nothing"

- then tony's like oHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"kid, her last name's l/n."

- peter just sits there like 0_0 for a second before it all ties together in his head and makes sense

"oh my god"

- SO HE GETS YOUR INSTAGRAM

- he definitely looks through all his posts and deletes a few embarrassing ones before requesting to follow you

INSTAGRAM peterbparker has requested to follow you.

- you SHOOT UP IN YOUR BED

- NOBODY MOVE

- you do the same thing peter did and look through all your posts and delete a few before accepting his request

- and then you request back and he immediately accepts it

- commence the hour of stalking!

- the two of you just fucking Investigate each others' accounts before peter's like O Shit! i should Probably message her!

peterbparker: Right after you left I realized I forgot to get your number

- kinda awkward but your heart is RACING you're like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

- the two of you begin talking and get each other's numbers and snapchats and whatever

- over time the two of you get really close over the internet like

- you become the first ones you go to when you see a dog or get food at a cool place or see a funny meme/tiktok or just like have a problem in general or want to talk

- and ofc you gush about him to your friends and they're like

- Girl... u really fell for a New York Boy Huh

- after a few months you finally muster up the courage to facetime him

- you almost Collapse once his face shows up because guess the fuck what

- he just finished training

- mua ha haaaa

"hello!"

- he says it all goofy like hi hello we're facetiming now holy shit oh FUCK we're FACETIMING!!!!!!?????!?!?!?!?

- i luv him

- the two of you talk for a bit and you fan yourself off-screen because the sight of him Genuinely made you light on fire and plus you were just nervous in general

- he even runs around the entire fucking building to find everyone so you can say hi cause he's babey

- the team DEFINITELY yells stuff like "lovebirds!" and "date already!" in the background and peter's face just gets So Red

- he finds tony and deadass goes

"mr. stark! it's your niece!"

- tony's like No Shit!

- overall amazing 100/10 time facetiming

- so the two of you start facetiming practically every day even though it's not summer anymore and you're back in school and have hella busy lives (peter's literally a superhero?)

- you'll facetime while doing homework and he'll help you with physics (even though you don't really need the help you pretend you do anyways) and it's so cute when he does because he Loves physics so much so he gets really excited and into it

- sometimes you'll fall asleep while on ft and he'll take screenshots

- ngl he set his favorite one as his lockscreen because he loved it so much and ned and mj definitely saw it and were lowkey like 🥺🥺 cause they ship you two so hard

- and when he'd fall asleep on ft you'd take screenshots too and look at them every time you missed him

- NOW THE EXCITING PART

- so it's winter now

- the Horrible Disgusting period between thanksgiving and christmas break

- because of finals the two of you facetime a bit less so it's kinda sad

- BUT THEN

- right when you get out of school for christmas break you're about to call peter so the two of you can celebrate (not peter checking the time every few minutes after he got out of school because he's a couple hours ahead)

- somebody's got a surprise

- you get a call from peter right when you get into your car and you're like Perfect Timing Hell Yeah

- you answer it and are met with the sight of him and tony smiling at the camera

*immediately screenshots it*

"oh, hi tony!"

"we have a surprise"

- peter's like bouncing from excitement and tony gives him a look before starting to talk

"we're fl-"

"WE'RE FLYING YOU TO NEW YORK FOR CHRISTMAS!"

- peter interrupts and tony looks so defeated but YOU BARELY EVEN NOTICE BECAUSE YOU'RE SO EXCITED

- tony explains everything cause he worked it out with your parents (y'all are just gonna celebrate early)

- (tony doesn't say this but deadass the reason ur parents even let you is because they know how much you wanna go back mainly to see peter)

- eventually tony leaves the two of you alone to talk and you're just in your car in the school parking lot practically yelling at your phone as you and peter talk about how excited you are

"and you can finally meet may-"

"may!"

"yes, may! and we can go back to delmar's and see murph-"

"murph!"

- peter can't stop smiling cause you're so excited and you look so cute cause you're Trying Your Best to get out of the parking lot while maintaining excitement

"can we go see times sq- MOTHERFUCKER GET OUT OF THE WAY JESUS CHRI- sorry peter i didn't mean to explode"

- if anything that made you even cuter in his eyes

- you and peter facetime while you pack and neither of you can handle your excitement AT ALL

- the night before you leave you're both in your beds across the country just talking quietly to each other over the phone and it's like the quiet cute excitement because you're seeing each other in less than 24 hours and you're both so so whipped by each other and just Cannot Wait

- it's really late ESPECIALLY for peter since he's ahead of you but he doesn't care at ALL

- so y'all are just whispering to each other

"i'm so excited, pete"

"i know, me too"

"i'm not gonna know how to act"

"me neither. you're not allowed to make fun of how awkward i am, okay?"

"peter, you being awkward is cute"

- the two of you can barely sleep from excitement but you fall asleep (on ft ofc) with smiles on your faces

- as soon as you wake up you text peter and you're like GO GO GO (spinch🥬spinch🥬spinch🥬)

- you call him one last time while you're waiting at the gate

"i think i'm gonna pee myself"

"well if you do at least clean yourself up before i get there"

- his LAUGH

- the boyish laugh that FUcking Ends Me

"i'm still so amazed at how i managed to convince mr. stark to let me pick you up"

- you can't stop smiling especially at the thought of peter DRIVING (hot as FUCK)

"you'd better be a good driver, peter"

"it's fine, the car has autopilot so we won't die"

"glad to hear it, pete- oh sHIT my plane's boarding"

- peter FREAKS OUT

"have a safe and amazing flight and text me when you land, okay?"

"i will peter, thank you. see you in new york"

"see you in new york"

- y'all say that in the most Giddy Way (literally how could you not)

- you're bouncing in your seat the whole flight and the dude next to you is like o_0

- the SECOND you land you text peter

y/n: IM HERE IM HERE WE JUST LANDED ILL BE OFF THE PLANE IN A FEW MINUTES

- peter's sitting in this Far Too Expensive Car and he's just bouncing in his seat cause he has so much pent up energy

- he gets the text and that's when it really settles in

- he starts freaking out a little and like constantly checks himself in the rearview mirror and starts playing the playlist the two of you made together (puppy eyes) and makes sure he smells good

- then he sees you walk out out of the airport looking really excited and tired and confused

- mans JUMPS OUT OF THE CAR

"y/n!"

- you see him and ur literally smiling SO HARD

- you run at him, suitcase flopping around and backpack nearly falling off of your shoulders

- but you look so cute and peter can't handle it especially when the two of you finally make contact and your arms wrap around him

- he squeezes you so tight and even lifts you off the ground cause he's Strong and Excited

- that sounded a bit sexual OOPS

- you can't even process the fact that you're finally back in peter's arms after half a year and now you're literally so much closer than you were when you left new york last summer

- when you pull apart you can't stop looking at each other and just smiling giddily

- your arms are still like holding onto each other

- what finally breaks you is a fucking Ungodly gust of wind and you're like

"holy shit winter here is a lot colder than cali"

"oH, right, uh we have blankets in the car"

- the two of you just take another few seconds to look at each other until it gets a bit awkward and you clear your throats

"i can take your bag?"

"yeah, thanks"

- you watch his muscles flex as he lifts your suitcase into the back and you're like i hate this man

- this GENTLEMAN even RUNS OVER TO YOUR SIDE AND OPENS YOUR DOOR FOR YOU BEFORE YOU GET THE CHANCE

- you MELT

- when you sit down he closes the door for you and you're hit with the sound of your shared playlist and the car smells like peter's scent and it's AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

- when he gets into the driver seat (which was very attractive to watch) you're just staring at him excitedly

"you put on our playlist!"

"why wouldn't i?"

- he smiles at you before reaching back and getting the blankets for you, also turning on your seat heater to make sure you're comfy

- mans just watches you as you shift around, buckling in and getting your backpack situated at your feet

- by the time you're all ready and stuff you look over and he's just looking at you

"pete-"

"would it be too soon for me to kiss you?"

- AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

- it takes you a second to process but you're like OH MY GODKFSDKNFSK

"yeah, peter, it would"

- your serious tone RUINS PETER

- HE'S LIKE OH MY GOD WHY DID I ASK THAT WHY DO I EXIST

- until you laugh and wrap a hand around the back of his neck, pulling him to you and planting your lips on his

- (AAAAAAAAAAHDKSJDFHSKJDFBKSDJGNSDKJFNADSJKABBJFS)

- bonus: the two of you are just singing in the car and (peter looks so hot when he's driving anyways) peter suddenly goes silent and you're like "what" and he just glances at you before going "is it bad that i really want to pull over so i can kiss you again?"

- double bonus: he pulls over and y'all makeout LOL

+ + +

holy FUCK i got so so carried away but i really like this one soooooo

OKAY HERE'S MY LITTLE THANK YOU NOTE IN HONOR OF THE 50TH IMAGINE AAAAAAAAAA: you GUYS. when i started this book it was literally just me being like "i'm in love with this fictional boy and need an outlet and have FAR too many ideas," which is really how every fanfic writer starts tbh. but oh my god, i never expected to get so much love and support and just such an amazing experience from this. there are people all over the world that read my chaotic fluffy shit, that are actually touched by my work and it legitimately blows my mind. 180k reads in almost a year? like 250 followers? INSANE. i've made so many friends on here that i can come to when i have no one in my real life to talk to and every time i reach out, you guys are here for me and so incredibly supportive and helpful and amazing. i love each and every comment you guys post on my works. they make me laugh so hard and are so beyond sweet and make my heart melt. some of them blow my mind cause you guys will be like "omg hi you responded oh my god i love your work" and like hype me so much and i'm like BRUH!!!! i'm literally just a stressed out, anxiety ridden teenage girl in love with peter parker lol and the fact that you guys support me so much and love my work just truly makes me so happy. i love writing and i love that my writing has reached other people, even if it's literally just silly fanfiction. I APPRECIATE AND LOVE YOU GUYS WITH EVERYTHING IN ME AND EVEN IF I DON'T REPLY TO YOUR COMMENT I SEE IT AND YOU GUYS MAKE ME SMILE AND AAAAAAAAAAAKJSDFNKJDF <33333333333333

okay now i have 5 more requests to write HAHA but i hope u guys are having an amazing day/night/whatever and that ur drinking enough water and eating enough and staying happy and healthy <3 MWAH!

[nxxxon]

5"7 SW:290 CW:255 GW:225 GW:199 UGW:120

hi , long cringe post btw sry not sry

currently relapsing rn but trying to keep disciplined thoughts on my mind instead of depressing thoughts. Just finished working out for 27ish minutes. planning on fasting for the next 4 months and working out until i physically can't anymore. but I have extended family over ( actually just siblings for are 10-20 years older but idk them lol) so it might be hard to pretend to eat. But I'm an adult (19) so there's not much they could really do about it but anyways..

I'm relapsing because I tried to reach out to an old best friend in January and we talked but she never txtd back so we didn't get to hangout, months pass and now recently I had 2 dreams about her and she was in my thoughts a lot , she even liked my insta post which she never really does so I thought maybe she was thinking about me too! Finally after over a week I txtd her to hang out. hours pass no response, I check msg says it was seen and no reply. :/

ik it may seem like a dumb reason to relapse but it's not like I was planning this its just when I talk to people from my past it triggers old habits & depressing feelings I just can't explain it. idk maybe she'll respond but it just upset me so much because I spent so long worrying and being scared to txt her and I finally do and she leaves me on read. Idk maybe she's busy but I don't wanna be depressed I want to be disciplined and work on myself now.

So the plan is fast for 4 months except on Halloween & thanksgiving. Then work out until I can't anymore. The end ;_; :)))

[sullenandtoothin]

12/10/19 - 63.3kg/139lbs

ah, not a good day today. 

*this has been posted a day late bc fell asleep writing it*

so today is saturday (i’m aussie) and I’ve decided to allow myself 500 calories per day on the weekends (as you can see i’ve quite clearly exceeded this) as it’s harder to not eat in front of my parents, bc they know about my ed. meaning: i have to try and eat semi normally to keep up appearances bc if i seem fishy they’ll KNOW immediately and everything will become 100x harder. 

some background info: i developed my ed the month i turned 14 (december 2015), and in just over 6 months i had lost around 17kg/37lbs, so i was around 40kg/88lbs. it’s been a number of years since then however and obviously a lot has changed. i confessed to my parents after 12 months, told a few friends, saw doctors, psychologists, had a lot of weight gain, intense binge eating etc etc. but I have NEVER, not for one moment considered myself recovered, and i don’t think i’ve ever wanted to recover. so that leaves us here: i finish high school forever in two weeks and this will be my fourth MAJOR relapse.

today i woke up with a really sore throat, and it turns out almost everybody at my work is sick (yay for our customers- we work in hospitality) which certainly means your bitch bout to get tonsillitis or some kind of virus! on the bright side: hopefully i can skip school, on the down side: my ed prohibited me from having a throat lozenge out of fear of unnecessary calories (lol, if u look at my calories for today you’ll understand why this is fucked). on top of that, i worked nine hours today, constantly on my feet, so hopefully i managed to burn a fair few calories throughout!! (not logged tho). but i did drink a lot of water due to sore throat, which made my weight higher than yesterday. i also tried green tea for the first time today at work and it turned out to be fucking gross so thx tumblr for getting my hopes up on that one (how tf u guys drink that bs i was gagging the whole time).

anyway, onto dinner! (only meal of the day). after work i went to gym, had a shower, and went out to an indian restaurant for dinner which gave me MAD anxiety/distress though simultaneous giddiness/excitement. although I don’t want to, I really do love the opportunities to eat some ~good fucking food~. I went with my friend bc i haven’t seen her in a month, and BOY am i feeling guilty rn. i’m tryna convince myself it wasn’t too bad but it’s hard. you know that uncomfortable overly stuffed binge feeling? i have that, and I hate it. btw, what you can see in the photo is what we shared (i didn’t eat it all myself) but idk i still feel disappointed. was so good tho! wanted to stop and leave some on my plate, but i kept going long after i was full. Although I feel bad i’m not worried because i don’t think it’s triggered a binge, and eating a full meal every now and then won’t hurt at this stage (though it was a lot of fat LOL). I guess i’ll just have to work out more tomorrow to make up for today as well as tomorrow. the calories on my app aren't accurate as well bc the restaurant food wasn’t on myfitness pal, so I just chose the one highest in cals and prayed it was okay.

SORRY this is so long yikes but i really have no other way to talk to anyone so this blog is really all that’s keeping me sane and motivating me rn.

[not-tryin-2-have-a-debate]

god self-harming can be so weird and trying not to relapse can be so weird...

i havent relapsed in a really really REALLY!!!! long time and i hate how tempted i am rn bc i like cant sleep and am going nuts abt it bc i wanna cut So Badly like i feel not even upset. like i feel emotionally fine. but just kinda nervous and extremely like. HUNGRY for it. idk a better word its very very much like im starving for hurting myself

and i feel bad because part of it is like...............ghhh i feel like an ass bc its like not other ppls FAULT at all obvs and i feel like a creepy voyear but a lot of the time when i see other people’s scars ill start yknow....it can trigger me wanting to self-harm really really badly bc i felt a lot of safety in being able to look at the injuries and touch them and stuff because its in my control and etc etc etc and since i havent in so long and when i have relapsed ive done a pretty good job of stopping myself ‘early’ and not fully getting what i want lol i like.............don’t have that part. and i miss that part so much. my scars used to heal so quickly that i barely have any anymore and i have HYPERnoticed that i seem to be scarring a lot more obviously now...........and its like............GHHHHHHHHH its so hard to reason myself out of it and its gonna be cooler tomorrow so i could wear long sleeves to workkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk and i miss it so much and i know thats a strange concept but i miss it so so so so so so so so so so much. not the punishing myself. but thats not even why i wanna do it now. it was only msot of the time why i wanted to do it back in the day yknow. yaaarrrrggh. ugh. ick. yuck. God i wish i could just go to sleep.

one of my coworkers has really obvious scars that they dont hide and more power too them!! good for them!!! not at all blaming them im like legit proud of them for it yknow? but thats like got it wormed into my head and i cant stop thinking abt it at all. and then i was watching informative mental illness videos  because i cant sleep because of like 7 different reasons and then the person tlaking also has obvious scars and its!!! AAAAHHGG

[aizenat]

I forget, sometimes tbqh, that I used to self harm. When I “stopped,” I had a few times years later when I relapsed. I think I was like 22 when I did it last (if my mom asks, it was when I was 19 lol). What helped me stop was the idea of what all my body does for me. My body works so hard to keep me alive every day. My heart could give out. I could have an aneurysm tonight in my sleep. My legs or knees could get so fucked up that I’m walking with a cane. I could displace my hip or get sciatica. 

And yet I don’t have those issues. My body, despite my best efforts to do the opposite, takes care of me. So when I thought about that, it wasn’t fair for me to hurt it just because I was having a bad day. My body doesn’t deserve that hate when my issue was never my body. 

I think, honestly, it’s similar with body image. I will admit that I’m not comfortable at my size. I want to lose weight and all. But there’s a part of me that has to be  happy where I am now. I think to myself “I’m almost 28 and I want to start having children in my 30s. I keep saying if I’m not in a relationship and ready to have children by 35, I’m going to a sperm bank. So if I spend the next two years losing weight and getting skinny, I could lose that a year later to pregnancy.” And even then, there’s also just the fact that I”m getting older. My body is changing. I’m not going to be in my 20s forever. And I can’t spend my entire life trying to look like I did at 18. It’s not realistic. 

At some point, you just have to get REAL with the fact that all this body shit is dumb. We don’t exist to look a certain way; we exist to do things. To live. To experience. To create. To procreate. We’re not here to look like pretty dolls, and we sure as hell ain’t here to spend all our time trying to starve and overexercise ourselves into pretty dolls. There has to come a point where you realize how pointless it all is. Maybe when you’re young and you think you’ll be young forever, you’ll freak out. But there HAS to be a point where as you get older, you look back and realize how dumb it all is. And how much time you wasted doing something because of your weight. 

You can’t wait until you’re x weight to do shit because what if you’re never x weight? You’re just going to spend your life miserable and not doing what you want because of your weight? You’re really going to not live because of some extra inches on your waistline? Really? That’s what you’re going to do? 

And when you ask yourself that honestly, it sound stupid. It sounds stupid to say “I won’t date until I lose weight” or “I won’t have kids until I lose weight,” or “I won’t go to a concert to see my favorite band until I lose weight,” or “I won’t get help for my eating issues  until I lose weight” or “I won’t get married until I lose weight,” or “I won’t start dancing until I lose weight.” It’s living your life like you’re in a transitional state. FOR YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. If your entire life is one big “until I lose weight,” you will DIE before you do anything. 

And, no offense, but what a waste of what could have been a great life. 

And, tbqh, another thing that helps is thinking to myself, “men don’t give up on life when they get fat. Why should I have to do this?” When you remember that weight and body policing for women is how men keep us from focusing on being great, you get over your body issues just out of spite. Because FUCK THAT. Fuck not doing things that could have me shining because I ain’t skinny. 

At some point, you gotta just stop thinking any of this matters. Because it doesn’t. And even if you’re like me rn and don’t feel that great in your body, you can still appreciate it and live in it in peace you know?