#except for you who he should fear most and 🥺🥺🥺 okay that hit hard

[jojea]

durge duesday with the boy besties ✨

GIVE IT UP FOR A NEW DAY OF THE WEEK!!!!! durge duesday……. 👁️👁️

[rowanaelinn]

“I have a hard time believing that anyone could actually love me.” From the prompt list?

…happy ending? 🥺

This turned way longer that I expected but here it is! Angst at the beginning but then it all turn very sweet, don't worry, I won't be that mean on Chirstmas Eve!

The party was still ragging when Aelin noticed something odd. All of her friends were present, and so did Helia and Asper’s friends. The room was crowded with people who looked exactly the same age but were in reality centuries apart. It was still weird to Aelin that for most of the people in this room, she was considered old.

She still remembered how much fun she had when she teased Rowan for being old when they met. And here she was, a century later, being called a grandma by her twins. Both of them had stopped laughing quickly when they saw the ring of gold in her eyes turning to fire.

The night was frigid outside of the cabin, the cold air of Yulemas companion to the slow fall of snow that had been on Terrasen for days now. Every time someone opened the door Aelin was hit by a shiver. But she couldn’t really hate the feeling, not when the cold was such a vivid reminder of one of the four people she loved the most.

That was how she noticed that lack of presence by her side, the empty feeling of Rowan’s absence. She quickly scanned the room, her first thought being that he was discussing something with Fenrys, Lorcan or Aedion. The three of them had become his friends. He had never been able to call them such for a long part of his life, except Aedion, but he did now. For their service, for their protection and devotion to her, Rowan gladly called them friends.

It had been a surprise to her entire court when Fenrys out of everyone came out with a cure against mortality, granting Lysandra and Elide an elongated life. Which meant that Aedion and Lorcan never had to give up their immortal gifts. They would die long before Rowan, Aelin and Fenrys, but it granted them more centuries with their friends.

Roan was nowhere to be seen, Fenrys was chatting with Lysandra and Aedion, making eyes at them. Aelin quickly turned her eyes away, not wanting to know whatever that was. Lorcan and Elide were talking with their son. Rowan wasn’t anywhere in the house.

She finished her glass of water and walked through the cabin. It wasn’t small by any means but it was much smaller than most of the properties Aelin and Rowan owned. The tour of it was quickly done, and Rowan was still nowhere to be seen.

It took everything in her, everything she had worked on for a century now, not to set everything on fire. Her magic had always been deeply connected with her emotion, panic and fear were the worst of all. She took a deep breath and for once in her life, listened to the small, reasonable part of her brain. Rowan was okay, he had to be or she would have felt it.

He didn’t feel it when you were thrown in an iron coffin, her brain told her.

She quickly shut out this part of her brain. Rowan had been off all day long, but it wasn’t surprising. He had always struggled with the parties and the people. Even now, for his kids’s fifty birthday he hadn’t been comfortable with the idea of the party. He used excuses such as We should let them celebrate with their friends only, Fireheart. It had almost worked, her mate working on her mother's side, until Helia had threatened them if they were late for the party. Both of the twins wanted their parents at their side.

And when Helia pouted and Asper promised to train more with his dad if he came to their birthday party, Rowan hadn’t been able to refuse. If the great Rowan Whitethorn used to be weakened by only one female, he now was by his entire family. There was one thing constant about him, it was his love and devotion to them all. He never refused them anything.

Aelin put on the warmest cloak she had brought and went for the door, catching Helia’s gaze. The young female took one look at her mother and raised her brows, her way to ask if she was okay. Such an observant princess. Aelin winked at her and opened the door, exposing herself to the cold. She sent a warm breeze of air, her magic running to find Rowan’s. Seconds after, she was hit by a colder breeze coming from the north. That was where Rowan was.

Five minutes of walking through the snow, her shoes kept dry only thanks to her power, she saw a hawk perched on a branch, looking straight ahead. She knew that if he was in this form, something was wrong. But he was there, he was alive. That was what mattered. “You don’t need to mount the guard, you know? It’s the job of the thirty guards posted all around here.”

The bird ignored her, acting as if no one was there. Aelin only chuckled, not a deep enough sound to be truly joyful.

“Hey,” Aelin breathed, keeping her eyes on the majestuous hawk. “I was worried.”

That seemed to peak Rowan’s interest. He turned his head, pained eyes finding hers. Her shoulders slackened, defeated at the sight of her mate this way. The bird flew, landing on her shoulder. Aelin smiled a little when he rubbed her cheek with his head.

“Shift?” She softly asked, playing with the end of one of his feathers. “I don’t really enjoy speaking alone.”

He seemed to hesitate for a second, his eyes going back to the horizon, then he seemed to nod. Aelin knew what to wait for, she closed her eyes, not really wanting to be blind for the next thousand years of her life. When she opened them, her beautiful mate was standing in front of her.

The way his head was low, the way he didn’t look at her… Aelin knew there was something wrong. Her blood froze as she took a step, encircling his waist with her arms. She was lucky to be smaller than him, she looked up and he tried to look away, but with a hand on his cheek, she forced him to keep his eyes on her. “What’s wrong, Ro?”

“Nothing.”

It was that kind of night, then. The kind where one of them could close and wouldn’t open up for the other. It was the hardest, if Aelin was honest. But she couldn’t say anything about it, she was the one who did it the most and Rowan had to go through it all alone. Sometimes, emotions were just too much and it was so much easier to cut everything off and just not speak about it.

Aelin didn’t give up, keeping her warm arms around his body and extending her shield to him so he wouldn’t freeze to death. “We can go home, if you want,” she said. “Asper and Helia wouldn’t mind.”

Rowan just shook his head and it took everything in Aelin not to sigh. “They were happy you were there tonight, you know.”

A grunt. Okay, then talking about the kids wasn’t the solution. “What are you looking at?” Aelin asked, turning her head to where Rowan’s eyes were. Her cheek was warmed by his body head as she let it rest on his torso. It was then she realized he wasn’t holding her back, his arms limp at his sides.

“The world.”

Well it was cryptic but at least he spoke, it was something at least. “What about it?”

“I am just thinking.”

“Of?”

She felt him take a deep breath, “What it would feel like to leave there. Free from everything.”

Aelin hummed, “Sounds like a plan when the kids are ready to reign, buzzard.” Sure, she’d miss seeing people and the parties… But she could survive in a little cottage with nothing else to do than her husband. Yes, she might even like it.

“That’s…” He swallowed and Aelin’s interest peaked at this. Rowan never looked for his words. “That is not what I meant.”

She looked up, her brows furrowed. He looked everywhere but at her, and it all clicked in her mind. Her arms fell to her side, she took a step back. “You mean, you live there. Not us. Am I wrong?”

His silence was answer enough. Aelin gasped for breath, it couldn’t be happening.

“What? No!” Aelin panicked, even as she walked back she didn’t retract her shield, finding it impossible to leave him in the cold. “Just yesterday you told me you loved me, Rowan. What the hell is happening?”

Once again, he couldn’t find himself to look at her and it broke something in her chest. “Have I done something?” Her voice was quiet. “I know- I know I’m too much sometimes, but I can change, you don’t have to leave. You cannot leave us. Or me.”

Aelin had never heard of someone leaving their mate, it didn’t make any sense. Wasn’t that all the mating bond was about? The impossibility to leave without the other? The impossibility to breathe if you were alone?

Rowan shook his head, “That has nothing to do with you. You’re not too much.”

“Tell me why, then. Just- Please, Rowan, speak to me.”

He looked at her then, and she knew it was the pain talking. His pain wanted to leave, not him. It should have reassured her, should have made her think she was going to keep her husband, but Rowan had already given up so much because of pain. His life, his freedom, his emotions… Everything. It was awful that a part of her believed he could leave her.

His eyes fell to her belly and he sighed, she could hear the exhaustion in it. For a few seconds he kept looking right there, where their child was growing in her. It was also kicking her ass and craved more vegetables than sweets, already preparing itself to be daddy’s favorite. Aelin was five months along, happier than ever to carry life once again in her. Just one life this time, she asked healers to check multiple times. Never had she thought she’d have other children after her twins, but this baby was a true miracle.

Rowan had been so happy to hear of it, he had made love to her for hours on end in their bed chambers the moment he scented it on her. How could he still think of leaving?

“I cannot let you all live with a monster, Aelin. I can’t do this to them and I can’t do this to you.”

Oh. Oh, no. “Rowan, you’re the further away from being a monster.”

He snorted then, such a hateful sound. “Yeah, go tell that to the thousand children I killed in Sollerme.”

So, this was what it was about. Aelin knew about Sollerme, of course she did. And she had never looked at him differently for that. “Did something happen?” He hadn’t brought it up in a long while. But she knew how easily a memory could be triggered. Then, she realised. He hadn’t been pissy all day about the party. He had probably dreamed of Sollerme. “You dreamed of it, didn’t you? Oh, honey, no…”

He walked two steps back when she took one closer, “Don’t do that, don’t look at me with love in your eyes. You’re a mother, Aelin. How can you even look at a child killer this way?”

She was taken aback by this, she knew he regretted Sollerme but she didn’t know he loathed himself that much. “Because I love you, and you’re not a child killer.”

“You don’t under-”

“No, you don’t understand,” She cut him. He needed harshness to understand. “You were no less a slave than I was in Endovier, Rowan. When will you understand that? Yes, our shackles were different and left different kinds of scars, but the situation was the same.”

He shook his head, sorrow on his features, “Look at me,” she asked of him. “Look at me and tell me that right now, as a free male, you would do it again. Look at me and tell me you wouldn’t find another solution, tell me you’d do the exact same thing. Do this and maybe then I will look at you as a monster.”

He couldn’t say it and he knew it, so Aelin kept going because he needed to realize it. He needed to stop beating himself up. “Maeve made you do it,” he looked at her then, surprised she said her name. Aelin never did, not anymore, not after she broke free thanks to her friends. But for Rowan she could say it, “She is the monster. You’re not even a bad person for joining her because she manipulated you into doing it.” Because of me was something she wanted to add but didn’t, Rowan didn’t need to know she felt guilty for things that happened before she was even born.

“Helia and Asper adore you, Rowan. This baby will, too. And if they grow up with a monster, if they are raised by a monster it’s not you. It’s me,” she didn’t make it about herself but she felt like every compliment in the world wouldn’t do anything for him, so she tried something else. “You had to do what Maeve said or you’d die. I obeyed every single one of Arobynn’s orders without a question. I killed whoever he wanted me to, even without money in exchange. I did it all because I admired that man, Rowan.”

“That’s not that simple, he manipulated you into doing this.”

“So did Maeve,” here she was, her point finally made. “I’m not going to compare how the two of them manipulated us, it was very different, but the outcome is the same. These bastards are dead, Rowan. We are alive, we have children, we are married and we’re happy while they root in the pitch of hell. We deserve what we have. I love you Rowan, and how dark your past is won’t change a single thing. I love you and I love these things about you, too. They are who you are, they forged the husband that I have now.”

That was when he broke, tears flowing down his chest as his broken voice whispered, “I have a hard time believing that anyone could actually love me.”

Oh, Rowan. Aelin flung herself in his arms, holding it as close as it was humanly possible. “I love you so much, Rowan,” Aelin whispered.

Rowan let it all go then, sobbing into her neck as he kept her close. At that moment, Aelin wished Maeve was still alive just so she could kill her. She was glad Fenrys had gotten the killing bow that was entirely his, but in times like these, Aelin wished she could close her hands around that bitch’s neck and feel her breath stop. Not even for herself, for the things that she made Aelin live. No, Aelin wished she could kill her for the pain she brought the pure soul that was her mate.

“Are you decent?” A loud voice echoed from outside of Aelin’s shield. When she turned around, she was only partly surprised to see her twins, a hand over their eyes walking toward them before they hit their face in Aelin’s shield, both of them grunting at the burn. She smiled and extended her shield to both of them, her mother instincts kicking in. They must be freezing, Helia was only wearing a thin cloak over her dress.

Both of them took their hands from their face at the same time Rowan turned around, leaving Aelin’s arms to hide his face. Asper was on the verge of being drunk. Aelin knew it from the way he stood and she could also smell it on him. She was glad he was having fun on his birthday, she knew her boy. He wasn’t the type to over-do things, which was surprising considering who his mother was.

Helia seemed to smell something in the air other than the alcohol because she asked, “Is someone crying?” Then she looked at Rowan who still hadn't turned to greet them. “Dad? You’re okay?”

That was when Aelin was hit with a good idea, even if she was sure it would lead to Rowan hating her and actually leaving her. “Yeah,” Rowan’s deep and calm voice echoed in the shield.

“He’s lying,” Aelin said. Rowan brusquely turned his head to her and both her kids looked at her confused. “Your dad needs to tell you something.”

“Aelin,” Rowan warned her, but she didn’t care. She took his hand and smiled at him as she made him turn around. There was no mistaking the tears on his cheeks. Aelin realized she might have made a mistake, her kids had never seen Rowan cry. Never. She was convinced that in their minds, he was a hero that could be hurt by nothing.

“Dad…” Helia’s mood dropped and she didn’t hesitate a second before throwing her arms around her father. Rowan’s shoulders relaxed a bit at this, hugging his daughter back. Asper looked at Aelin, then, eyes wide. She smiled at him and opened her arms to him. Even if he was much taller than her, hell, taller than Rowan almost, he still let Aelin wrap an arm around his shoulder as she tucked him closer to her. “What’s wrong?” He whispered. “Are you okay?” He asked, his hand resting on Aelin’s belly to feel who he was sure to be his little brother. Asper absolutely wanted a brother. There was no mistaking he had been raised by Rowan in the way he cared for his family.

Aelin nodded, “Your dad needs to tell you something.”

Her mate knew where this was going, his eyes raised in alarm, “No, never.”

“Tell them, Ro.”

He shook his head, looking around to find a way out of there. “Tell us what?” Helia’s voice cracked.

Rowan looked at her, I can’t do this. Don’t take them away from me, please.

Tell them, Rowan.

What if they hate me?

Just tell them.

He looked at her in a way that told her he would never forgive her if her plan didn’t go as she wanted it too, and she would hate herself too. She gave him an encouraging smile as he opened his mouth, and then, he was telling their children everything. Everything he did in this city, everything he still regretted today. He was unable to look at them.

Helia was passive in his arms, as she always was. She never let any emotions outside, she was too good at concealing them. Asper, however, didn’t have this ability. His grip on Aelin’s waist tightened enough that he had to apologise when she grimaced, she only kept stroking his arm. She could see their horrified faces as Rowan let the words free between them all.

“That’s it, you know everything,” Rowan's voice trembled, his eyes fixed on the ground. Asper pushed Aelin closer to his sister and father, throwing the four of them into a family hug. Aelin slipped her free arm around Rowan’s waist, stroking his side.

“I’m so sorry, dad,” Helia breathed, Aelin could hear the tears in her voice. “I’m so sorry.”

Rowan swallowed his emotions, “What could you possibly be sorry for?”

“What happened to you.”

“That’s true,” Asper said and just by the tone of his voice, Aelin knew he was going to try to light up the mood. “I mean, if trauma was genetic, Helia and I would be so deep in horseshit by now.”

Helia snorted, “Worst. Imagine if we had their temper. One of us would be grumpy all the time while the other would suffer from some form of hyperactivity.”

“You’d definitely be the grumpy one,” Asper noted, earning a kick in the leg by Helia.

“Do you hate me?”

Aelin snorted, looking up at her husband. Tears were still shining on his cheeks, her heart crushed. “Is it that bad to be me?” He asked.

She saw the grin of her children decompose in seconds, Helia throwing an angry look at Asper. “See what you’ve done? Gods, As, you’re impossible!”

“You’re the one who acted as if I had compared you to a skinwalker.”

The young princess huffed, “Always the dramatic, incapable of admitting any of your faults. Oh sure, Asper, you’ll be an amazing king some day. I can already see it, let’s pray mom and dad fade before we’re crowned or you will kill them yourself with that attitude.”

“Are you going to gaslight our court like you’re gaslighting me or is it just a privilege for your twin?”

Helia’s mouth was wide open, “Gaslight? What the-”

“Kids,” Aelin said, a small smile on her lips.

Both of them seemed to remember what situation they were in as they both muttered an apology, but Helia, who was the most like Aelin, couldn’t help but mutter, “I’m still gonna burn your ass cheeks.”

Thank gods, Asper ignored her but Aelin still felt the air getting colder around her daughter. “We love you, dad,” Asper said gently.

Rowan looked at them then, the hope on his face was something out of a nightmare. He didn’t realize how good of a person he was. “How? How can you not look differently at me?”

Helia’s smile was sly, “If I had to look at you differently it would have happened when I caught you and mom that day in the throne room.”

Aelin laughed at the more than embarrassing memory, “You didn’t knock, that’s on you.”

“Yes, well, sorry. I did assume that you’d keep your affection for private rooms.”

Asper snorted, “I agree with mom, that’s on you. We’re talking about people who look tortured if they don’t see each other everyday.”

Aelin elbowed her son in the rib gently, and then she looked at Rowan. He was watching them, his family. Not the one he had been born into but the one he created out of nothing. “Ro,” she grabbed his hand, squeezing it as she left her son’s side to go hug her husband. Her belly prevented them from all the contact she wished but at least he put his arms around her shoulders, accepting the contact. “I love you. They love you.”

“None of us could ever blame you for the things another person made you do.”

Aelin and Rowan looked up at their son, surprised. They had never been into details about their pasts, their children knew the basics. Rowan was a warrior, Aelin an assassin. They met and fought in a war together.

“You never talk, but uncle Fenrys does,” Helia started.

“He told us a little about you two, about what your lifes were before you met.”

And at that, Aelin knew they were aware of the number of people she killed. They knew her past, and still, they loved her. Maybe she had needed this as much as Rowan because tears slipped out of her eyes, Rowan’s grip on her shoulder tightened. Helia fidgeted with her hands, looking down as she said, “I’ve wanted to be like you, dad, ever since I can remember. But I know my wishes grew every single time Uncle Fenrys told us a story about you. No matter how gore and dark it was, I always told myself: Damn, I want to be half as strong as him. I want to be able to survive all this.”

“And the same goes for you, mom,” Asper said. “Uncle Aedion and Aunt Lysandra talk a lot about you. I’m fifty and I panic when someone talks to me, while when you were eighteen you survived atrocities I cannot even imagine. But no matter how cruel the world was to you, you still found the strength to love. I’ve always wanted this capacity.”

Tears were overflowing her cheeks now, but Helia kept going, “My earliest memory of dad was when I broke my arm, I was eight. You healed me and then asked me not to say anything to mom. I asked you if she’d be mad at me because I was forbidden from riding ponies without an adult around but I still did it. You just laughed and said that I wouldn’t be my mother’s daughter if I didn’t break the rules and that she’d be more proud of me than anything else. Then, you said you wanted to keep it a secret because mom hadn’t left her bed all day, because it was a bad day. You said that she missed her parents very much and that she deserved a day for herself. That was when I realized what love meant. The person you love must always come first. I wish someone loved me half as much as you love each other.”

Aelin didn’t know about this at all, but it was so much like Rowan to protect her from everything that could hate her. She remembered the only day pain had been so much she hadn’t been able to leave her bed, her parent’s seventy death anniversary. If she had known Helia had hurt herself that day… It would have just triggered that fear she had when the twins turned eight that she and Rowan were doing to die, leaving her precious babies to the hateful existence she had experienced.

“Oh,” Asper started, “And do you remember when dad made us bake fifty different kinds of chocolate cake for their wedding anniversary?”

Helia laughed, “Yes! We complained so much because we had cooks that were paid to do this, but dad gave us a long speech saying that the time spent on the cake was what truly mattered and what made it a good gift.”

“He also said that we were baking that many of them because he wanted mom to taste them all and maybe she’d finally be disgusted by it.”

“Clearly didn’t work,” Rowan teased, and Aelin squeezed his waist, happy to have him back.

“I fell in love with you in Mistward,” Aelin said. “I was in that form that I hated more than anything, we were running and you looked back. You saw me, you didn’t see the assassin of the hateful girl that I was. You saw Aelin, and you smiled. You saw good parts of me I didn’t even know existed.”

Rowan wiped the tears out of his face, probably trying to keep some semblance of dignity in front of his children.

“Does that sound like a monster to you?” Aelin asked. Rowan looked down at her, and even if there was still pain on his face, there was also happiness. He leaned down, kissing her softly. Aelin’s hand tangled into his hair, pressing him closer to her until her children made disgusted noises and said some variations of Get a room, for Mala’s sake.

Aelin laughed as they broke their kiss, both parents opening their arms for their children to come and hug her. And as Helia and Asper, big smiles on their faces, slipped their arms around their parents, Rowan whispered words that had always meant everything. “I love you all. So, so much.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Helia teased, “Love you, too, old man.”

“I’m not saying it back until our next session of training,” Asper said. “You’re way too mean sometimes.”

Aelin laughed, happy and grateful beyond imagination for her family. And down the bond, Aelin knew Rowan would stay. She knew he was as happy as she was, he just needed some family time.

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