#lol the ‘I don’t care about you’ stage but they really care about each other and can’t help but want to help each other | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

taey0ngsvape · 1 year ago

Text

my favorite girls

“and when you come home, i’ll be waiting with open arms”

pairing: chenle x fem!reader

genre: fluff

word count: 4.2k

contains: cursing, kissing, cuddling, lots of caring for daegal, so many ‘i love you’s’

summary: you watch daegal while chenle is on tour

i wrote this after writing saying goodbye to txt before they go on tour because the concept was too good to pass up, though i did get a little carried away (it was not supposed to be this long lol) but i really hope you enjoy!

You couldn’t lie, you were nervous.

Nervous for a number of reasons. Your boyfriend was going away on tour for almost two months, which would be the longest time you’ve ever been apart. It’s also the furthest physical distance you’ve been away from each other. And while he’s away he’s tasked you with taking care of Daegal, who sometimes you swear he loves more than you.

Daegal was a sweetheart but even after the significant amount of time you’ve spent at Chenle’s apartment, she has yet to really warm up to you. And now you're going to be the one taking care of her for two months. So no, it’s not really your fault that you’re nervous.

You show up at Chenle’s apartment an hour before he’s supposed to leave for the airport. Unfortunately for the two of you, your work and all the preparations for his departure prevented you from being able to come any earlier, which meant you hadn’t gotten to sleep next to him the night before he leaves for two months. Still, you put on a brave face. You know how excited he is about going on tour.

He opens the door and lets you into the apartment, his two suitcases already by the door. Daegal trots over to you and you kneel down to let her sniff your hand for a few seconds before she seems satisfied and nuzzles against your hand.

“Hello Darling,” you say softly, feeling her soft fur under your hand.

“Do I get a hello?” Chenle asks, crossing his arms. You playfully roll your eyes and stand up.

“Hello,” you say to him, a cheeky smile on your face.

“Just ‘hello?’”

You roll your eyes again. “Hello baby, honey, light of my life. Is that better?”

“It’s acceptable,” Chenle hums before pulling you into his arms, giving you a quick kiss before folding you into a hug. You smile to yourself, slipping your arms around his waist and holding him close, breathing in the scent of his shampoo and enjoying the warmth of being pressed against his chest.

When he lets you go he leads you to the kitchen where there’s a small breakfast laid out for the two of you. You can’t help but smile and kiss his cheek before taking a seat.

“Are you excited?” you ask, filling your plate.

“Yeah, it’s been so long since our last concert in the US. And after the show here in Seoul… I’m just really excited to get back on stage.”

You smile. You were at the Seoul show, you’d actually gotten tickets with a friend for somewhere in the lower bowl so you could experience what the concert would be like as a fan and the whole time you couldn’t take your eyes off Chenle. He was such a captivating performer and with the rest of the boys they made the show unforgettable. You knew they’d bring the same incredible performance to America.

“I’m sure the fans are just as excited. You’re so captivating on stage.”

Chenle just smiles at you and continues to eat.

“You know,” you say. “Nctzens are great, but at the end of the day I’m your biggest fan. No one is cheering for you harder than me.”

Chenle sets down his fork and looks up at you.

“You are so incredibly talented, but you’re a good person too,” you tell him, taking his hand. “And I am so so lucky to be yours.”

Chenle swallows and then squeezes your hand before he starts to speak.

“You are… you’re everything to me, you know that?” he asks. “You’re so smart and you always know how to make me laugh. You’re unbelievably kind to everyone around you, even when they don’t deserve it. And you’re beautiful. Breathtaking.”

“Please keep going.”

On any other day, Chenle would narrow his eyes at you and tease you about wanting his attention, but today is different. This is his last chance to say all these things to you in person before he’s whisked halfway across the world for two months, so he takes it.

“You’re so special. You’re different from anyone I’ve ever met. You’re so attentive and understanding. You care so deeply that sometimes it hurts you, but that doesn’t stop you from caring anyway. Your heart is the biggest I’ve ever seen and the fact that you gave that heart to me… I feel so lucky every day to be yours. I’m glad you’re happy to be mine too.”

The confession catches you off guard but in the best way and you can’t keep the smile off your face. You want to tease him with something along the lines of you’re so obsessed with me but you hold it back because he’s just poured his heart out to you.

“I love you,” you say, squeezing his hand. “So much. And I’m really going to miss you.”

“I’m going to miss you too,” he says. “More than I can tell you.”

“But it’s only two months. And it’ll be over before we know it. And the whole time you’re going to have such an amazing experience and I’m so proud of you.”

You’re pretty sure that Chenle is holding back tears now but you don’t acknowledge it. You’re not much better off.

“I love you,” Chenle says softly. “So so so much.”

You blink the tears out of your eyes and get up to walk around the table and sit down in Chenle’s lap. Before he has a chance to protest, you kiss him. You can feel his shoulders relax under your hands and he kisses you tenderly. It’s not rushed or messy, it’s gentle and sweet. It says I love you without words. His lips are soft and warm and you can’t help but selfishly wish that this moment could last forever. But that’s the thing about time, it always keeps moving.

It feels like mere seconds have passed instead of the remaining hour until his departure, which is filled with cleaning the kitchen, last minute packing, and plenty of stolen kisses. But it’s all over far too soon and you’re standing back at his door, bidding him a final farewell.

He pulls you into a hug. “You’re gonna have fun without me,” he says and you can hear the pout in his voice.

You laugh. “You’ll have fun too. And then when you come back we can talk all about it.”

Chenle hugs you closer. “Deal.”

He lingers a bit after that, holding you in his arms and kissing you every so often until finally his phone rings and he’s finally forced to leave.

When the door closes behind him you let the brave face drop, taking a shaky breath.

Everything is going to be alright, you tell yourself soothingly and take a few deep breaths. You’ll be able to call him often and see plenty of videos of him performing. It’s only two months, that’s not so bad. But you can’t deny that you miss him already.

At your feet, Daegal slumps onto the floor and you smile sympathetically, sitting down next to her. “Do you miss your dad?” you ask, scratching her ears. “Me too,” you tell her. For a few minutes you sit in silence, letting a few tears fall, but in the end, you calm yourself down. You know Chenle wouldn’t want you to be upset and there’s no point in wallowing in your longing.

So you push yourself off the floor and search for the pet carrier that Chenle uses whenever he has to take Daegal to the vet. After taking it from the closet (the third closet you searched) you find Daegal curled up on the carpet in the living room.

“You ready for an adventure sweet girl?” you ask, gently lifting her off the floor and leading her into the cage. As soon as the door closes she’s whining and you try to shush her in a way that would be comforting. “You’re alright honey,” you say, but when she’s still whimpering after five minutes you take pity on her and instead clip on a collar and leash before leading her out of the apartment.

She follows you, somewhat reluctantly, to your car and you can’t help but feel the nerves creeping back in. What if you couldn’t make Daegal happy? Yes, she was important to Chenle, but she was important to you too and all you wanted was to make these two months feel less lonely for her.

You put Daegal in the back seat of your car, but by the time you’ve gotten into the car, she’s climbed her way into the passenger seat next to you. She sits down and stares at you, panting slightly. You sigh and let yourself break into a grin.

“Alright passenger princess,” you say, petting her head before turning on the car.

The drive back to the house you’re renting feels longer than usual, probably because of the added stress of having Daegal in the car with you. Every time you slow down or speed up you had to be extra careful so she wouldn’t fall off the seat. But you both make it home in one piece and you let out a sigh of relief once you pull into your driveway.

You carry Daegal inside and hang up the leash by the door, letting her explore the house while you set up food and water for her. At this point it’s almost six a.m and you still haven’t slept so you drag yourself upstairs, forcing yourself to take off your makeup before throwing on one of Chenle’s old t-shirts and heading to bed.

In your room, Daegal is curled up on your blankets toward the end of your mattress. Once you slip under the covers, she gets up and makes her way over to you, curling up next to your side. It surprises you a little, but you smile softly and stroke her soft fur for a good five minutes before finally turning out the light.

You force yourself to get up at noon in an attempt to not fuck your sleep schedule up too badly. After breakfast (the second one today) you change out of your pajamas and clip on Daegal’s collar.

“Let’s go on a walk,” you say as you attach the leash. “I promise I’ll keep it short.”

You know that Daegal doesn’t leave the apartment super often, so she doesn’t have a lot of opportunities to go on walks. You expected her to get tired quickly, but a mile out from your house she’s still happily trotting along the sidewalk, so you let her lead the way, not caring if you’ll have to carry her back.

She actually makes it halfway back home before getting tired and you don’t complain as you pick her up and hold her to your chest so she can rest her head on your shoulder as you carry her the rest of the way home.

This becomes a daily routine. After waking up you’d take Daegal outside, whether it be a walk around the neighborhood or to a nearby park to let her run around, you devoted time every day to take her somewhere and you can see how much more comfortable she is around you as the days pass.

When you come home from work she’ll be waiting by the door and every night she curls up by your side. Whenever you’re at home, she’s always nearby, which is especially nice whenever you’re on FaceTime with Chenle and he asks to see her.

Today, he calls a little later than usual and after asking about your day and telling you about his own he (as always) asks to see Daegal, so you turn your phone so the camera is pointing at the sleeping dog, pressed against your side.

“How are you guys getting along?” Chenle asks. “She seems awfully comfy.”

You smile. “I’ve been taking her outside a lot. She likes going to the park and chasing birds,” you share, which makes Chenle laugh.

“She’s going to love you more than me at this rate.”

You grin. “I think she already does,” you tell him, gently petting Daegal’s head. “How’s tour going?” you ask.

“It’s been amazing so far. A little busy, especially since we have a show tomorrow but being on stage… it makes it all worth it.”

You can’t help but smile. “Good. I’m glad you’re having a good time.”

Chenle hums. “Yeah, well it sounds like you and Daegal have been having a pretty good time without me.”

You laugh. “She really loves me now. I think she was hesitant at first.”

“Well, I’m glad you two are getting along. And I’m happy you’re doing well. I…” he sighs. “I miss you a lot.”

You smile. “I miss you too,” you say. “But hey, we’re almost halfway done already. Then you’ll come home and both Daegal and I will be waiting.”

Chenle smiles at that. “I’ll be counting down the days.”

As the days pass you’re able to stay relatively busy, filling any time that you’re not at work with Daegal or your friends. Once, while at the park you run into your best friend with her own dog next to her.

“Hey Mina!” you greet and then wave to her dog, a spaniel whose exact breed you don’t remember. “Hi Luna.”

Mina gives you a hug and smiles down at Daegal. “Who’s this?” she asks, leaning down to pet her.

“This is Daegal,” you say. “She’s my boyfriend’s dog.”

“Ah yes,” Mina says. “The mysterious boyfriend that you legally can’t tell me anything about.”

You laugh. “That’s the one.”

Mina smiles at you, a twinkle in her eye, because despite your inability to actually talk about your relationship, you still go to Mina whenever you need advice and she always listens.

Luna and Daegal sniff at each other before deeming the other as friendly and you both let them run around in the field as you sit and talk.

“How are things going with mystery boy?” she asks.

“He’s away right now,” you tell her. “A work trip.”

She nods. “For how long?”

“Two months, but it’s already been almost five weeks, so we’ve made it through the first half. He calls almost every day so it hasn’t been so bad without him.”

“Good, I’m glad you’re doing well. And I mean, taking care of his dog… that sounds pretty serious.”

You smile at Daegal who’s currently chasing Luna across the grass. “I was kind of surprised he trusted me to do it. She’s like his baby.”

Mina nods. “I get it. I wouldn’t leave Luna with just anybody. But you seem to be doing a pretty good job.”

You grin. “I’m having a better time than I thought I would. I was just so nervous she didn’t like me, or at least, not enough to keep her from feeling lonely. But she’s been happy and it’s nice having her around.”

Mina smiles at you and leans over to rest her head on your shoulder. “I love seeing you happy, you know that?”

You smile and let your cheek rest against her. “I do know that. I feel the same with you.”

“I’m always here for you,” she says happily. “And if mystery boy ever hurts you I’ll make sure he regrets it, I don’t care who he is.”

You laugh at that.

“But, in my humble opinion, I don’t think he will. He seems like he’s in this for the long run, and if he makes you happy then he has my approval.”

“Your approval?” you tease.

“Of course,” she says. “All boyfriends must be approved by the best friend. It’s just… girl code.”

You grin. “Well then, I’m glad you approve.”

“Do you think I’ll ever get to meet him?” she asks.

You honestly have wondered the same thing. He’s already met your family, though that still required some paperwork and negotiations with SM, but you didn’t see why your best friend should be any different. Ever since you first arrived in Korea, she’d been by your side. She was like a sister to you and you hoped that maybe you could talk to someone at the company and figure out a way to introduce her to Chenle.

“I hope so,” you say. “I really hope so.”

After the day at the park you reach out to a member of SM’s legal team about letting Mina meet Chenle and while the discussion was an ongoing one, it seemed like the odds were in your favor. You told Chenle about it as soon as you could and he assured you he would do everything he could to convince them to let Mina meet him.

“So… is she nice?” Chenle asks, even though you’ve talked about Mina to him countless times.

“Yes? You’ve already heard like… everything about her.”

Chenle sighs. “I know, but I want her to like me. What if she doesn’t think I’m good enough and sends like… the mafia after me or something.”

You laugh. “I don’t think she has any connection with the mafia. Besides, she already gave you her Best Friend Seal of Approval so I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

“Really?” he asks.

“She sees how happy you make me and that’s all she cares about.”

Chenle smiles. “Well, I’m glad I make you happy.”

“Yeah, though she did also say that if you ever hurt me she’ll make you regret it. She didn’t say how but I don’t think that’s something you want to find out.”

Chenle groans. “Why would you tell me that? Now I’m going to be scared of her.”

You laugh. “Hey, as long as you don’t fuck this up, you don’t have to be.”

“Good,” he says. “Because I’m never going to let you go. I’m never going to hurt you or deliberately make you sad. I’m here to make you happy because you do the same for me.”

You smile. “See? Nothing to worry about.”

“You make my life so much better, you know that?”

You swallow the lump in your throat. “You make mine better too. Brighter.”

“I can’t wait to see you,” he says.

“Four days,” you reply, butterflies in your stomach. Four days until he’s in your arms again.

“I don’t know if I’ll survive.”

You roll your eyes. “You’re so dramatic.”

“Whatever,” he says. “You love me anyway.”

“Yeah yeah, I love you.”

He smiles contently. “Goodnight baby,” he says.

“Aren’t you going to say it back?” you ask and he just gives you a cheeky smile and ends the call. Immediately, you text him.

chenle

ZHONG CHENLE

SAY IT BACK

But I’m the dramatic one?

say it back :(

I love you

Goodnight love

night lele

The final days pass by in a blur and suddenly it’s the night before he’s supposed to be back. You crawl in bed and Daegal huddles up next to you like always. Before you go to sleep, you send Chenle a text. He’ll have already boarded his flight by now, but he’ll receive it once he lands.

lele, my love! i just wanted to tell you how proud i am of you. you did so well this tour and i can tell you gave every single performance all your effort. i admire you so much (i’m sure you know that). i’ve missed you so much. so so so so so much. but i know that in a few hours you’ll be back so i feel okay. before you left you told me i was everything to you, and i wanted to tell you that you’re my everything too. you make me laugh even when it’s hard and you’re a good listener when i need it. you’re hardworking and trustworthy and incredibly loyal. and you’re so loving, even if it’s not in the “traditional” way. you show your love differently, and to me that makes it even more special. it really is a privilege to be loved by you. and i can’t wait to see you. i love you and i’ll (finally!!) see you soon.

You’re pretty tired as you type it all out, unsure if it makes sense or not, but in the end, you press send and plug in your phone before turning out the light. You pet Daegal for a few minutes until your eyes finally close.

“Baby?”

You blink the sleep out of your eyes. Your bedroom is still dark, the only light is from the streetlamp outside but the sky is still pitch black. You sit up and let your eyes adjust. Standing in the doorway is Chenle, his hair sticking up in a few places and his t-shirt wrinkled. When your eyes meet, he breaks into a grin.

“Lele,” you breathe, your eyes welling up with tears as you open your arms. In a second, he’s there, climbing into bed next to you so he can hug you properly. He smells like home and even wearing his clothes isn’t anything like this. His hold is strong and he’s warm and real and you don’t bother to try and stop yourself from crying.

Next to you, Daegal is yapping excitedly, clambering onto Chenle’s lap and he laughs, the sound sending you into another round of sobs because it’s different hearing it in person.

“Hello,” he says to Daegal, scratching her ears. “I hope you didn’t miss me too much.”

He turns his attention back to you and cups your face in his hands, brushing away your tears. “Alright crybaby, it’s okay.” You can’t help but smile at that because he’s right, everything is okay. He’s here, he’s home with you again. So yeah, you’re more than okay.

“I thought you weren’t coming back until tomorrow?” you ask.

“We managed to catch an earlier flight. And I got your text and I just had to see you but you weren’t at the apartment so I came here. Sorry for barging in,” he says sheepishly. “I didn’t realize you’d be sleeping.”

You smile and shake your head. “I’m glad you came.”

“Me too,” he says, leaning in to kiss you and you smile against his lips.

The two of you end up going back to bed for a few more hours before you wake up at nine and drag him out of bed with you to make him breakfast.

“I’ll probably have to take Daegal out after this, we usually go for a walk every morning,” you say, flipping a pancake on the stove. “You know, maybe tomorrow morning we can get up early and take Daegal to the park. That way there won’t be a ton of people and we can just go on a walk together. I even taught her to play fetch but it only works with tennis balls. I tried throwing her a stick the other day and she just kinda looked at me like, ‘what the fuck was that?’ But I figure if we go early enough we can spend an hour or so there and we won’t have to worry so much about someone recognizing you,” you ramble. When you receive no response, you turn to look at Chenle, wondering if maybe he’s fallen asleep at the table.

Instead, you find him staring at you, an unreadable expression on his face. “What?” you ask, slightly nervous. Had you said something wrong? Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to suggest going out together.

“I’m going to marry you someday,” he says, which was not at all what you were expecting to hear.

“What?” you repeat, still shocked.

“You already know that you’re the love of my life. Plus you take care of me, like forcing me to get up so I can eat something. And you’re a great cook. And you love Daegal like she’s yours, taking her on walks and going to the park. Even I haven’t done some of those things. So, naturally, I want to marry you.”

“Alright lover boy, let’s slow down a bit there,” you say with a smile, pretending that your heart isn’t about to beat out of your chest.

“Is that a no?” he asks.

“It’s a… ask me again later. And by later I mean in a year at least.”

Chenle shrugs. “Fine by me,” he says. “I’ll put it in my calendar.”

You roll your eyes and return to your cooking, transferring the finished pancake onto a plate before taking the bacon out of the pan and letting it cool on a tray. You break of a tiny piece and lean down to hold it out to Daegal, who happily accepts.

When you look back at the table Chenle is lounging in the chair with a smile on his face.

“What?” you ask.

“I’m just happy,” he says. “I’m here with my two favorite girls. I feel like I’m in heaven.”

You smile. “I’m happy too. I’m really glad you’re here. Home.”

His smile widens. “Home.”

#nct dream fluff #nct dream imagines #nct fluff #nct dream scenarios #chenle imagines #chenle fluff #chenle scenarios #clare’s fics🌸

610 notes · View notes

vaguely-concerned · 1 year ago

Text

BEHOLD! The list of evidence for my bold claim that Pan and Freddie dislike each other ferociously on sight because they are, in some key ways and despite appearances, very similar people:

- First instinct upon seeing Grace sad is to try to make her laugh to cheer her up. (See: Freddie’s very first lines in the game starting off as she means to go on, and about half the things Pan ever says or does lol. In the last scene with him before The Trial you can even tell him you’re there just because you wanted to talk to him and have something cheer you up.) General sources of levity and fun and play in Grace’s life if you seek them out.

- They react with similar anxiety to the idea of Grace being really angry with them (Freddie’s surprised/dismayed “Why are you angry at me?!” in the red route of ‘I Can Teach You’, the millenia-old god of the wild hiding behind a tree for ten minutes because he thinks Grace might be about to yell at him lmao <3)

- Both of them seem to have similar interpersonal insecurities in general, judging by the enforced choice between them in ‘I Can Teach You’ (I love you both so much but oh my god. is this a constructive use of time or energy under the circumstances lol), softened and alleviated by the fact that at the end of the day the most important thing to either of them is that Grace is happy. It isn’t possessiveness, but there is an element of underlying ‘Hey. Hey I am your favorite right?? 🥺’ insecurity there that trips them both up to begin with. Once you play the game and go back to look at this scene again knowing everyone’s real motivations, they’re even coming from the same place deep down — genuine fear for Grace’s safety and wanting to help her. (Freddie uncomplicatedly out of love🥹, and Pan at that stage probably more out of a guilty sense of responsibility, though he does seem to take a shine to Grace herself pretty quickly as well. Also he demonstrably isn’t, uh. Completely wrong in saying Freddie’s involvement in this whole mess is likely to end in tears, even if he is being a real dick about it)

- If you don’t choose either in ‘I Can Teach You’, they both show up within minutes of each other to watch Grace’s back in the Medusa quest anyway. One brain cell ping pong and no one notices because they keep trying to swat each other with the racquets whenever Grace glances away for a second

Sidenote but flirting with both of them one after the other in that quest is fucking hilarious, they’re just taking turns ‘Really? Right in front of my salad?’-ing directly at the camera (...listen I feel that there is a chance that as long as they kept Grace between them the whole time there could be a thing here. I think a possible universe out there where it happens at least once does exist if one cared to go seek it out. That’s all I’m saying.)

- Seems a bit obvious but what else am I here for: both very drawn to Grace no matter what main trait you choose. Whether this is true vice versa is of course player-dependent, but it is one way you can play the game.

- Incredibly similar defensive reactions to being picked on or sniped at (and no hesitation whatsoever in subjecting each other to exactly that immediately anyway haha)

- A bit dark when you think about it, but they both express the sentiment that it would be better for them to step in and die if it means Grace lives. (Freddie very directly of course ;______; and then in ‘It’s time’, Pan in ‘The Trial’ and the little talk you have with him later in Athena’s office.)

Matching ‘ride or die’ instincts once awoken, is what I’m getting at. Freddie gets extra points for sheer longevity and constancy, Pan gets extra points for getting there in a week. You’re both unhinged (affectionate)

- They’re the only ones among the main cast wearing green, right? I think I’ve got that right? Well, Charon does too, I suppose, but he’s a bit more peripheral. (Persephone and Aphrodite wear blue-green, but that seems more associated with death and the underworld and the river of grief everyone keeps using as a metaphor throughout the game.) Somehow I find the idea/metaphor that once you get Pan out from under like three layers of bullshit he’s the same colour as Freddie (who is inarguably The symbol of devotion and steadfastness in this game no matter your choices) quite sweet.

- Nerds. You know I am right. Slightly different kinds of nerd (Freddie is distinctly geek-flavoured and Pan collects rare books for sport sort of distinction), but still. Oh my god. Freddie should get the whole cast together to play D&D in the Reliquary post-game. It would be absolute carnage. It would be glorious hilarity. *GASP* no wait not the Reliquary, let’s go to the Underworld so Charon gets to play too. For the love of all that is good give this to me now please I need it

- The only two people who think Freddie losing control of her powers and causing a dance number at a funeral is hilarious

In short this is a recognition of the self through the other (derogatory) situation for both of them and neither of them decides to take that with any dignity or grace (ahaha) in the slightest, I love them very much, thank you and goodnight

#stray gods #stray gods freddie #stray gods pan #grace x freddie #grace x pan #grace x freddie x pan #stray gods meta #if you could grace this thing with that word it's mostly for book keeping reasons for myself haha

175 notes · View notes

butyou-callmewhenyourebored · 2 years ago

Text

When We Are Together - Matty Healy

Summary: In which Matty falls in love with you in stages his entire life. He knows everything is better when you're together but the two of you are oblivious to the fact you're in love with each other.

Warnings: Swearing. A small section of smut in flashback 2. Unfortunately it's not with Matty. It's with George because I am a whore. Mentions of The S*n. Mentions of Matty going to rehab, obviously we don't know all the personal details apart from the fact there was an intervention after the ilwys era ended and he went and now he's in recovery.

Author's Note: Self proclaimed 'Not a Matty girl' just wrote 12K lol this has legit taken so long cause I procrastinate but hope you like it! Really fucking long because I tend to let my mind wonder, I don't even know if this is any good but I'm trying to get better. I thought the concept was cute anyway. So enjoy! Let me know what you guys think and if you liked it x

Word Count: 12K

Your life had always been surrounded by the boys. So many moments in your life that their fans could only ever dream of knowing about or being involved in but you didn’t know any different, it was just your life. You had no choice in the matter when your brother and best friend in the entire world was the bassist in the band. That’s right; Ross MacDonald was your big brother and you seemed to be somewhat of a legend amongst their hardcore fanbase yourself for putting up with their antics for as long as you had! Not that you really had a choice when you were tied to them via blood but they had also hired you as their personal assistant so you could follow them around the world and so none of them had to part from you for too long.

You had personal relationships with all of the band, not just your brother who genuinely was the best big brother you could have ever asked for. He was your best friend and had been since the moment you were born. Sometimes it irritated the others how annoying the two of you were when you both got into silly moods, with all your inside jokes and side looks that nobody else understood. Especially Matty who always wanted in on the joke. But Ross was a ride or die kind of guy and you were the same. If it came down to it you would fight over who took the first bullet.

Adam Hann. Adam truly was an angel of man sent to earth to be your bestie and you don’t think you could love him anymore if you could. Someone you could geek out about The Office with on the tour bus and who brought you coffee when he could see you needed a pick me up. The most level headed of the boys, you know he’ll always be on your side. Someone who’s come to your rescue during many nights out both pre and post fame and took your hand, pretended to be your boyfriend with no questions asked and got you away from creeps more times than you would have liked. You couldn’t be more grateful for a selfless friend like Adam Hann.

George Daniel. Your ‘little’ Georgie had been in your form at school, so apart from your brother until you were much older and started hanging out with them more, you had spent the most time with him. So it’s fair to say that the pair of you were close. So close that you lived with him and Matty in your early twenties. Even a small indiscretion on his 23rd birthday much to your brother’s dismay didn’t change the course of your relationship. Now that you were both thirty two and you were still working for him, clearly the two of you didn’t care that you had seen each other naked. If anything your night together all those many moons ago had brought you closer together. You would trust him with your life.

Then there was Matty. Matty was something else. If you asked his fans, depending on if you were asking old or new fans. He was something else in two senses of the word. To you he was just Matthew. Your big brother’s best friend who was a bit of a weird kid, transitioned into a somewhat cool teenager who you had a bit of a crush on when you were seventeen, to the most annoying person you’ve ever laid eyes on. But also he was your best friend. An old married couple is what George labeled you both and he wasn’t wrong, the pair of you did have a bit of a domestic life together when he wasn’t busy being a rockstar.

I think the fans would be shocked to find out he likes doing the mundane things in life like doing the food shop with you and fighting at the tills that it was his turn to scan his club card. Or walking the dog, drinking a good cup of tea at his Mam’s house or cooking with you over a glass of wine with Donny Hathaway playing in the background on the record player.

He had done so much for you over the years and you always thought it was just Matty being Matty and looking out for you. Hiring you as the band’s assistant, so you could see the world with them so you weren’t stuck in a stuffy office job in England. Even though you had graduated from uni with a first class degree in photography. Moving you into his home when you broke up with your long term boyfriend in 2020 so you weren’t wallowing in self pity. It was probably then, that George cemented your “marriage status” because you did do everything together and apparently you had been oblivious your entire friendship until now.

It was in this moment in Belfast on the last night of the UK tour that your head swimming with all of the moments in your life that led you to here with Matty, tears brimmed with tears. That you realised that it was him the entire time.

April 2007

You pulled the front of the white tank top you were wearing down, allowing the frilly cups of your red bra to peek out the top. Your top tucked into a short black mini skirt, paired with a big chunky belt and hoop earrings and some wedged sandals on your feet. You actually felt good about yourself for once! You, Sarah and Rebecca ready to get drunk and dance your asses off with all of your friends as you celebrated Matty’s birthday.

Matty’s 18th birthday party was being held at his house. A classic Healy house party yet you still wondered how Denise and Tim were somehow trusting him enough for the night to not burn the house down so he could celebrate his birthday with his friends without parental supervision.

You of course had yet to turn eighteen, as had your brother who was only eleven months older than you. So you turned to your lord and saviour Adam Hann who went to the local off license and bought you a pack of Bacardi Breezers for the party.

When the three of you arrived; you immediately got swept away by your other school friends, giggling at the thought of getting drunk with all your friends and making out with boys your brother would definitely disapprove of was the motivation you needed to open your first drink of the evening.

It was after a few drinks, definitely too many shots of whatever George had proclaimed Matty’s Dad’s had left for the birthday boy. You were starting to feel the effects of the alcohol you had drunk that evening when you spotted Max. Tall, brunette, curly hair and a killer watt smile that made you weak at the knees, talking to George.

Silent motivation from Phoebe as she ruffled her hands through your hair and pushing your tits into a good position as Sarah dabbed on some more lip gloss before pushing you in the direction of the boys, slapping your ass with a quick “Go get him tiger!”

Shooting her a grin over your shoulder, you strutted on over to where George and Max stood clutching their beer bottles as they conversed about god knows what. Hoping to catch his attention, you threw on your best smile as you stopped in front of the two of them.

“Hello boys!” You beamed a the two of them, eyes lingering on Max a little longer. “Having a good night?” You asked, twiddling the straw around your drink as you waited for their answer.

“Even better now you’re here gorgeous!”

Your heart fluttered for a moment. Max was flirting back.

“Your tits are looking mega tonight babe!”

George broke your eye contact with the tall brunette as your eyes flitted towards him. The blush flushing across your cheeks at George’s compliment, “Ohhh thanks G!” You laughed awkwardly, catching his eyes fall to your tits once more just as Ross walked past the three of you.

“Dude! That’s my sister!” He punched him in the arm; a scowl on his face and immediately pulling you away with him and far away from the boys and into the crowd of people dancing in Denise and Tim’s living room.

“You’re no fun!” You huffed.

“You can do a lot better than Max sis. Believe me! I’m just looking out for you.”

He smiled softly at you and you sighed, knowing you couldn’t ever stay mad at him. He knew you better than anyone else and always looked out for you no matter what. “Thanks bro. I know. I’m just going to get some fresh air, it’s a bit stuffy in here.”

You sent him a smile, squeezing past him and all the other sweaty bodies to head out the sliding doors at the back of Matty’s kitchen. Letting out the breath you hadn’t realised you had been holding as the cool spring air brushed over your skin. Taking in the serenity of the night air, you didn’t realise anyone else was out there until you heard a cough causing you to snap your head towards the noise.

Matty was leaning up against the back wall, cigarette hanging from his lips.

“Alright birthday boy! What you doing out here by yourself?” You laughed lightly as you approached; leaning next to him as you took in the slightly solemn look on his face.

“Bit overwhelming in there. Thought I’d like the attention but there’s too many people. Half of them are just here to get drunk, they don’t care about me.” He laughed bitterly; blowing smoke into the air. “Anyway. What are you doing out here?”

“Just needed some air. It was a bit stuffy in there. Too many people.”

“Ahhh so we’re alike in our thinking.” Matty laughed. “Wish it was just you and the boys to be honest.” He mumbled, shuffling his feet.

“Hey. You know if you want we can have a do over. Come over to mine and Ross’ tomorrow. We’ll order pizza and watch True Romance. I’d hate for you to not look back fondly at your 18th.” You smiled softly as you spoke.

“You’re brilliant.” Matty’s eyes bright as he looked at you. “I’d really like that. Thanks sweetheart.” Matty shot you a genuine smile for the first time since you stepped outside.

A brief moment of silence settled across the two of you before Matty spoke again.

“You look incredible tonight.”

“Ohhh.” You looked down at your feet, unsure of how to take the compliment.

“Hey.” Matty lifted your chin up. “What’s all that about? You’re the most beautiful girl in the room.” He said earnestly; swiping at the apples of your cheeks and holding your jaw in his hands.

“Just didn’t think anyone could look past the fact I’m Ross’ sister. Nobody ever calls me beautiful.”

“Not even Josh? Didn’t you date him for nearly a year?” Matty asked as you shook your head.

“Then he’s an idiot. You’re always the most beautiful girl in the room darling.”

“Matty.”

It came out a whisper as you both stared into each other’s brown eyes. Matty’s eyes dancing across your features, settling on your lips before looking back up and catching your gaze already on him. Matty leaned in, his face getting closer to your own as your mind started racing.

Did you want to kiss Matty? Kinda, yeah!

Should you kiss Matty? No, definitely not. Ross would kill the both of you.

Did you kiss Matty? Yes.

“We shouldn’t.” You whispered, lips mere inches away from his own.

“But a birthday kiss is all I want this year.”

His words came out of a whisper, you didn’t say anything else just pushed your lips against his and allowed him to pull you closer as his mouth moved against the softness of your glossed lips. His hands moving from your face, dancing down the sides of your body and landing on your waist before he reluctantly pulled away, forehead resting against your own.

“You’re good at that.” He pecked your lips once more.

“Mmmm.” You hummed; opening your eyes as Matty held you close. You quickly opened your mouth to say something and promptly shut it again when you caught the way Matty looked at you. “Fuck it!” You mumbled and slammed your lips back against his own.

The birthday boy now pushing you up against the wall, hands impossibly tight on your waist as he pulled you as physically close as possible. Your hands uprooting themselves in the hair at the back of his neck and tugging as you snogged him like your life depended on it. Like you weren’t pushed against the back of his kitchen wall in his garden, where any of your school friends could come out and catch you. Or worse; your brother but you didn’t care because the way Matty was kissing you made your whole body tingle.

Tugging his hair again as his tongue moved against your own. Matty groaned loudly; finally pulling away. “Fuck settle down! You know I can’t be found with you and if you keep doing that, someone is going hear us.” He groaned as he continued to pepper kisses up the side of your jaw.

“Hmmm, don’t feel like being murdered by my brother right now.” You sighed; leaning back against the wall to take him in. Lips swollen and eyes bright as he watched you.

“I don’t want to be murdered by your brother either. Worst birthday ever!” He chuckled; hands dancing across your waist. “But that was my favourite birthday gift! Thanks sweetheart!” Matty grinned; watching you push yourself off the wall and smooth yourself down before heading back towards the house.

You paused for a moment; your foot on the last step, your hand lingering on the handle to the back door for a millisecond as you looked over your shoulder one last time at Matty who was just watching you. You sent him a soft smile, your hair falling in front of your face as you laughed before leaving him the dark as you rejoined the party.

A kiss with Matty who was your big brother’s (and your) annoying friend, someone you had an innocent schoolgirl crush on once he started becoming a tiny bit cool as the lead singer in their band. Something you didn’t think was an overly big deal, after all people kiss people they shouldn’t when they’re drunk all the time. Turns out it was the starting point of the trajectory of how your’s and Matty’s story begun.

March 2013

In the midst of releasing a series of EPs and gigging around the country and building up their hardcore fanbase. You had managed to get the boys all to just relax for a moment and celebrate the release of their Music for Cars EP and the fact that it was George’s 23rd birthday this weekend. And how did you celebrate? The only way you lot knew how, a dirty ole’ house party just like the good old days.

You had managed to squeeze God knows how many people in little flat you shared with George and Matty. As far as flatmate’s go, they weren’t all that bad. You had moved in with them straight after university so you had definitely had worse.

You had just downed what you believe was your fifth vodka shot of the evening and decided you needed to pace yourself a bit more if you weren’t going to stumble into your room and pass out any time soon. So upon spotting Ross, you wondered over to your brother who was sat talking to Hann; wiggling your way in between the two of them with a giggle. Ross automatically lifting his arm for you to slip under as you nursed the rest of your wine at a slower pace until your glass was empty.

After your head stopped spinning a sufficient amount, you found yourself milling about the flat and smuggling yourself into Matty’s embrace as he poured you another glass.

“Enjoying yourself sweetheart?”

“Mmm. Have you see the birthday boy?” You felt Matty’s lips pressed to the top of your head as you asked.

“You leaving me already?” He chuckled. “Think he popped out the back for a cig.”

He motioned towards the back door. You immediately unravelled yourself from him, a kiss smacked against his cheek, catching the corner of his mouth. Not that you noticed in your flurry but Matty did. The longing for the feeling of the two of you had shared in his back garden prickling at his chest as his eyes locked onto your retreating figure as you rushed through the throng of remaining people in the kitchen and exiting the flat.

Matty was right. You found George smoking out the back in your little tiny back garden under the dying glimmer of your shit security light that was attached to your back wall. Turning in your direction at the sound of the back door shutting, George automatically opened his arms for you to slot into his side, arm hung loosely over your shoulder as he let out the smoke he had just inhaled. Wordlessly placing the cig in your mouth to let you take a drag yourself, you passed it back and forth between the two of you in silence.

Stubbing the end into the brick, George dropped it into the bucket of dirty filters before breaking the silence. “God what time is it?” He asked as you watched him push the balls of his hand into his eyes.

“Nearly 2am! Why you need to go to bed Grandad?!”

“Fucking maybe?! How many people are left?” The now blonde motioned towards the house.

“Only a few. Heard Sally talk about some of them heading into town on the way out and Luke and Helen have to be up early so they left nearly a hour ago. Just the band and about three other now. You ready to head in birthday boy?” You asked; holding out your hand for him to take with a smirk.

With a silent nod George didn’t hesitate to grab onto your hand as you tried not to trip over the many plant pots that were littered across your garden path. “You given me my birthday present yet? I can’t remember?” You turned to look at the drummer. An amused look on your face because he had given you the brightest smile when he had opened the personalised drumsticks you had gotten him earlier. “Or are you my present? Wait is this an ambush?” George gasped. “Please be an ambush!” He grinned at you.

“You should be so lucky!” You scoffed; before shooting him a smirk as you opened the the kitchen door.

“Your tits look mega in that dress by the way!” His tone smug as he closed the kitchen door behind him. Your only response being the cackle that left your mouth as you left George to watch you walk away as you joined the rest of the band in the living room.

Lucky indeed because once the remaining guests left about twenty minutes later. You had snuck into George’s room to say good night and wish him a happy birthday and it’s how you found yourself currently with aching arms. As they were locked either side of George’s knees, his hands tight on your waist as you bounced on his cock.

You weren’t sure how long you had been in this position. You do know he had already made you cum twice though. Once on his tongue and once with his fingers but my God were you spiralling towards your third. The thick drag of his cock between your legs as he stretched you out was delicious but you needed to cum quick because you weren’t sure how long you could stay in this position for.

“Jesus Christ! So fucking good George!” You wailed; as George’s thumb swiped through the slick between your legs and rubbing at your clit.

“Feel good baby?”

“Yes. Shit! So good!” You panted. “Arms hurt though, fuck.”

“Don’t worry. I’ve got you.” He said; pulling you forward.

You fell forward at full speed; having to catch yourself on either side of his face to stop yourself from head butting him as his large hands moved from your hips to grab on to the globes of your ass before plowing up into your cunt so fast you saw stars dance under your eyelids. All you could do was shake and babble out a string of, “So good. So good. So good.” As George made you cum again.

Pulling out quickly. You had no time to recover as George flipped you over; face already in his pillows as he pushed back into you as he chased his own orgasm. The drag of his cock made you feel delirious at the speed in which he was fucking you back into the mattress.

“Fucking hell. You’re so good G! Yes! Yes! Yes!” You screamed into the mattress, really not caring that your mutual best friend was on the other side of the wall.

His name fell from your lips like a chant. You hadn’t been fucked this good in forever, if at all and the fact it was your Georgie made your head spin.

“Come on baby. One more and I’ll give it to you.” He whispered in your ear, kissing the back of your shoulder before pulling you back on to his cock at rapid speed and sending you hurtling towards your fourth orgasm of the night (well morning) and George to fill you up with a satisfied groan.

Pulling out; your gentle giant rolled over, the pair of you catching your breath after fucking for a good hour. Rolling your head to the side to take him in, you pressed a kiss to the top of his shoulder with a chuckle. “Happy Birthday G!”

The now blonde let out a loud laugh as the pair of you snuggled into each other’s arms, like you would normally do under any other circumstances as George pressed a kiss to the side of your face. The temporary bliss shielding you both from the circumstances you’d have to face in the morning.

When you did manage to wake up the next morning, George was still fast asleep but his alarm clock read 10:12 and you knew you’d have to get up to tidy the flat because Matty certainly wouldn’t. As you looked around George’s room, you scrambled to find anything to hide your dignity as you moved around to clean up. As you pulled the shirt George was wearing the night before over your bare body, you didn’t have chance to register the other voices on the other side of the bedroom door.

“Where is she? She’s not answering her phone? She’s not in her room either.”

Matty didn’t answer Ross’s question, just grumbled into his arms before flinging himself down onto the dining room table dramatically.

“What’s the matter with you? You look like shit Healy!” Hann shoved his shoulder with a laugh as he threw himself on the sofa.

“Well you’d look like shit if you didn’t get any sleep cause you could hear George fucking at all hours of the night too.” Matty snapped at the two of them.

“Who was he shagging? I thought he wasn’t seeing that blonde anymore?”

Unfortunately for you, this was when you decided to make your grand appearance. Walking out of George’s room in nothing but his shirt and your knickers from the night before. The three of them silent as they took in your appearance.

Adam’s jaw slack as he looked on in shock as everything clicked into place before his very eyes.

Matty looked pained as he ran a hand through his curls before pushing himself up off the dining room table and shuffling into the kitchen, silently flicking the kettle on.

Ross looked angry. You could see it simmering in his eyes. The vein on his neck pulsing as he starred you down.

“I’ve been trying to ring you. Why were you in George’s room? ”

“I’ve been asleep. I’m here now aren’t I? Everything alright?” You brushed past him, trying to avoid talking about the inevitable. You hated when Ross was angry.

“Why do you have George’s shirt on?”

The two of you competed in a stare off. The both of you silent. Neither of you making the next move. If there was one thing you MacDonald siblings were, it was stubborn. Adam was watching on in anticipation. The only noise to be heard was Matty shuffling around the kitchen in the background. Your brother asked you again. Why was he asking you questions he didn’t want to know the answers to.

“Don’t make me say it bro.” You sighed; annoyance flashing across his features.

“You slept with my best friend?” Ross immediately started raising his voice. He already knew the answer, he didn’t need your confirmation. Not that he waited for it because he was already storming towards George’s room and right on queue, the door swung open to George just in his boxers.

“Ross. Stop!” Your voice loud and going ignored.

“YOU SLEPT WITH MY SISTER?!”

Ross was seething. Hann was immediately by your side ready to intervene. Matty still off and away from the drama (which was very unlike him) that was about to unfold. He was unlawfully quiet but you couldn’t think about that when Ross was squaring off with George in the doorway to your rooms. The shouting sounded like you were under water as you zoned it out. This was a disaster. It was only when Hann touching your arm, whispering if they should intervene or not that brought you back to reality and had you storming right in between the two giants.

Pushing your way in between them. You stood with your back against George’s chest, a hand on your brothers and looking up at him with pleading eyes. “Ross. Please. Fighting George isn’t going to solve anything.”

“You slept. With my sister. What about fucking bro code?! Not cool dude!”

“It was me.” You shouted over the top of his booming voice, all four of them turning to look at you as you very rarely raised your voice. “It was me. I initiated it. So if you’re going to be mad at someone, shout at me because it’s my fault.”

“Babe you don’t have to defend me.” George touched your shoulder gently. “I know, we shouldn’t have done it.”

“Don’t touch her!” Ross zoned in on George’s hands upon your shoulders. He quickly lifted them up in surrender.

“George, we’re both consenting adults.” You addressed him before turning back to your brother. “I’m sorry but if you’re going to sulk about it, blame me because I started it. Ross you know I love you more than anything in this world but you can’t hate everyone that goes near me.” You reached for his hand to give it a squeeze. “It was literally a one night stand. Promise it won’t happen again.”

Ross tried to pull his hand out of yours at your words, the vein in his neck twitching at the fucked up thought of his little sister casually sleeping around. “I’m not fucking happy about it. Fucking bro code dude.” He threw his hands up dramatically before turning towards the door. “I’m going for some fresh air.”

Ross quickly yanked open the front door, Hann hot on his tail, muttering something about checking on him which left you with Matty and George. The three of you standing in silence for a moment before George popped a kiss on top of your head and mumbling about a cig and heading out the back.

Matty disappeared again into the kitchen as you plonked yourself down at the dining room table with a groan. The ticking of the clock the only thing to be heard as the two of you were now the only ones left in your tiny flat. Sitting down next to you, Matty didn’t say anything. Just pushed a mug of coffee towards you and sipping his own.

“You don’t hate me do you? You haven’t said anything all morning.”

Matty took a sip of his coffee, a look of contemplation on his face as his eyes flitted towards you. The silence deafening and the thought of him being upset with you made your heart ache.

“You never offered me that on my birthday.”

You blinked rapidly as you stared at him. That was it. That’s what he chose to say.

Matty tried to say it with a joking lilt to his words. A smirk hiding behind his mug of coffee as you took in his words. But he knew deep down that there was a seriousness to it. It was true, you’ve never done anything with him other than when you kissed at his 18th, on his birthday or otherwise. Apart from one drunken weekend about two weeks later. He wasn’t sure why the thought made his heart pang. But it did. You opened your mouth to respond, quickly shutting it again as a flush rushed to your cheeks as you remembered the night in his garden five birthdays ago.

You let out a shaky laugh, not knowing what to say, shoving his shoulder playfully as you settled back into your chair, steaming coffee ready to be drunk.

“I don’t, you know.”

You turned you head to curly haired man beside you confused at what he was saying.

“I could never hate you.”

2014

You weren’t exactly sure where you were. What state you were in. What time it was or how much you and the band had to drink or what drugs Matty had taken tonight but you were fucking exhausted. You had been following your brother and your best friends around the world for the best part of just over a year, ‘acting’ like their personal assistant.

You were essentially a glorified baby sitter for these four man children. You wouldn’t change it for the world though, you got to travel the world with your best friends and take cool photography in the cool cities you visited but it was all catching up to you. All whilst they were busy being rockstars, some more than others but that was a different story.

You wanted nothing more than to be in the dingy little flat you shared with Matty and George in Manchester, catching up on washing, going down to your local Sainsbury’s and doing the weekly shop. Anything that didn’t require going to bed post 3am.

But you were currently in a club in Atlanta or was it Nashville? You didn’t know but what you did know was that you were bloody tired and the thought of travelling on the tour bus to the next state with a hangover was genuinely about to send you into a downward spiral if you didn’t get yourself back to the hotel asap.

Tucked neatly underneath Hann’s arm, his arm loosely hanging over your shoulder as you rested your head upon his shoulder, you prayed for your brother to round up the other two quicker than he was because you were actually asleep standing up at this point. You didn’t think it was possible to be asleep with your eyes open but you were positive at this precise moment in time it was currently happening.

Ross finally reappeared with George in tow but there was no Matty trailing behind the two of them. You groaned loudly as you clapped eyes on the two of them. Ross looked defeated, tiredness set his eyes too. George smirked when he heard your groans.

“Not the usual type of groans you make when you see me baby.”

“I’ll punch you so hard before Ross even gets the chance to if you don’t shut the fuck up Daniel's. Where’s Healy?” You huffed, scowling at the boy in front of you.

“Mumbled something incoherent before refusing to leave.” Your brother grumbled.

“Give me two minutes.” You sent Hann a soft smile, before removing yourself from the bubble the two of you’d created at the end of the bar before pushing your way through all the sweaty bodies until you found him trying to chat up some blonde model type near the DJ booth.

Gently placing your hand around his bicep to get his attention, his curls whipped in your direction to see who was touching him. The first thing you noticed apart from the bright grin he was now sporting were his dilated pupils. So he had taken coke again, brilliant.

The sigh that left you so deeply rooted, you’re surprised he didn’t pick up on it. You hated the way it made him feel after the high was over.

“Hi darling! Hasn’t tonight been amazing? Wait where are the others? Can you believe your brother tried to make me to go back to the hotel? How sick was the gig tonight? Do you want to dance? Hey let me introduce you to…” He spoke at a hundred miles a hour as he spewed out utter nonsense, turning to realise the blonde he was chatting up was long gone.

You watched Matty’s shoulders sag, sad eyes now back on your own. “You fancy coming back with me? I’m dead on my feet and don’t really fancy nursing this inevitable hangover whilst being stuck on the tour bus for over six hours with you lot without at least four hours of decent sleep.”

“But I don’t want to go home yet.” He pouted.

“You come with me now, I’ll let you stay in my bunk tomorrow and I won’t complain about how clingy you are. Promise!”

“Like a sleepover?!” Matty’s face lit up again.

“If you like, yeah!” You laughed at his childlike enthusiasm.

“Come on then, let’s go right now!” He started to drag you through the crowds. “I’m sharing with Ross tonight. I think he’d rather kill himself than watch you throw yourself at me!”

“I don’t throw myself at you.” You laughed at the frown he was pulling at you.

“It’s been known to happen Healy! I don’t mind though. My bunk tomorrow. Pinky promise.”

“Tomorrow.” Matty sent you a soft smile; his pinky looping around your own before you started to tug him back towards the boys. “I just want to clarify, I don’t throw myself at you I just like lying on your tits is all!” He said, pulling a laugh out of you as you approached the rest of the band. Your brother already leading the troops out the club as he saw your approach, eager to get out of there and into bed.

You had currently been on the road from Atlanta to Raleigh, North Carolina for the past two hours and the hangover was showing no signs of disappearing. You had already watched half a season of The Office with Hann and had taken a half arsed nap with Ross but it was hard trying to sleep in the lounge, when your head was knocking off his shoulder every time the bus hit a pot hole.

Not to mention; if Matty made one more fucking sound, you were absolutely positive one of you was going to throw him out the window. It was a toss up between you and Hann, whoever got to him first I suppose. But he was getting on your last nerve. He was annoying at the best of times but there was something about his come down today that was irritating you to no fucking end. He so much as breathed too loudly and it was sending you spiralling into deep pit of annoyance.

You and the band were up back in the lounge area, some Adam Sandler movie playing quietly in the back ground that you were pretty sure none of them were even paying attention to. When Matty threw his phone across the bus, swearing something incoherent under his breath and it was the last straw.

Standing up abruptly, you managed to startle both Ross and Hann at the speed in which you moved. Pulling down George’s hoodie that you had stolen, so it covered more of your ass over the pair of gym shorts you had on. You turned back towards your brother and Adam, irritation etched across your features, scowling at Matty as you eyed him out of your peripheral, as he moped about next to George.

Just the image of him, made you want to roll your eyes.

“I’m going to my bunk before I fucking throttle him!”

You sent them both a sarcastic smile before storming off to your bunk. You can’t have been there ten minutes before your peace was interrupted by Matty who was peering around the curtain and asking if he can join you. You let out a big sigh before silently nodding your head as he lumbered on into the small space.

Immediately wrapping his arms around your waist; his head found home upon your chest just like it always did when he wanted a cuddle. Your hand that was wrapped around him made its way up to his head, where it settled in his curls, finger tips running across his scalp. The sound of his soft sighs automatically calming down the irritation that had been bubbling inside you since he had awoken this morning.

You weren’t entirely sure how long you had been lying there in silence. You only broke the silence when the coldness of Matty’s fingertips slipped underneath your hoodie to touch the warmth of your skin. His thumb rubbing circles across the softness of your hips as he snuggled further into your tits as one of his legs started pushing its way in between your own as he got comfy.

“Matty?” Your voice gentle as you tried to get his attention.

“You said you wouldn’t complain.” His voice muffled as he spoke into your covered breasts.

“Your fingers are fucking freezing that’s all.” Your chest vibrated with laughter.

“Sorry sweetheart” Matty moved the slightest bit, to kiss the underside of your chin before snuggling back into the warmth of your hoodie.

“I don’t mean to, you know?” He whispered softly.

“What are you talking about?”

“I don’t mean to make you angry.”

His voice was barely above a whisper, that you nearly missed it.

“I’m not angry. Why would you think I’m angry at you?”

“You looked like you’d rather die than be anywhere near me before.” The hand that was weaving through his curls stopped. “I hated it. Hated that you looked at me like that. Made me feel even more shit than I already do.”

“Healy look at me.” Matty didn’t move a muscle, head still tucked underneath your chin, no effort in moving at all at your words.

“Babe. Look at me.” Your voice more stern, wiggling away from his grip so you could look down at him properly. “I could never hate you. Ever.” Your eyes flitted across his features, hardened by the late nights on tour and the hardcore partying. “I hate what that stuff does to you. I would never stop you from having fun but when you do that stuff, I hate how it makes you hate yourself the next day. I don’t want you doing something you’re going to regret because believe it or not Healy. I’m quite fond of you and I don’t think my heart could take it if something happened to you. Neither would my brother’s or Hann’s or George’s. We love you a stupid amount you know.”

Matty blinked at you as he took in your words, his brown eyes glossing over before shoving his face into you neck, the grip around your waist becoming impossibly tighter. Your body shaking as his vibrated against yours, soft sobs leaving him as he chanted; “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” Over and over again.

All you could do was hold him closer and reassure him, that he had nothing to be sorry for and you were just looking out for him because anything else, you were afraid it might break you and you’d cry too. As your best friend was breaking his heart and wetting the hoodie you were wearing.

“Don’t apologise for having fun. I just want you to be careful. All I ever want is for you to be okay and sometimes what you do with all those people you don’t know isn’t good for you sweetheart.”

You squeezed him tighter, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. As he mumbled how “I’ll be better, I promise” into your neck, pressing multiple kisses in quick succession to just under the right side of your jaw before settling back into silence where the two of stay for some time.

The soft regular movement of Matty’s thumb rubbing circles on your hip stopped, his hand significantly less colder than they were before he had them up your hoodie, moved across the expanse of your lower back and rolling you over so you were now draped over him instead and tucked into his side.

“You know sometimes I feel the only time I might get better is when we are together. You ever feel like that?”

It was now your turn to nod silently, a soft hum leaving your mouth as you pressed a quick kiss into his skin as you settled into a slumber.

2017

You had been pottering about your flat most of the morning, doing a deep clean of the place before you were supposed to be heading to meet the boys for Sunday dinner. Your boyfriend of nearly a year Michael, once again opting out of spending time with you and your family, claiming he had better things to be doing that sitting about and listening to the boys talk about what they had been getting up to in the studio again.

Personally you think it was because George let slip last time Michael could actually be bothered to join you all for a drink, that he had slept with you in a drunken ramble, much to the dismay of your boyfriend, your brother and yourself. And Michael didn’t take too fondly to the fact you were still close with George after the confession.

You were in the middle of folding the last bit of the washing that you had dumped on your bed when your phone pinged with a text from Hann.

‘Did you get a letter in the post this week? x’

‘I get a lot of stuff in the post Ads! Off who? x’

‘Matty x’

The moment you saw his name, your heart got stuck in your throat. None of you had heard from him since he he had left, something to do with his recovery. So the thought of contact from him had you dropping your phone on the bed and rushing from your room, shouting at Michael about the post you had received this week. Only receiving a mumble from him about the fire place; had you dashing to the living room, where you rifled through the post sat on top of the mantelpiece.

There slotted in between this months Rolling Stone subscription and a local take away menu was a white envelope addressed to you.

A Barbados post mark sitting in the top right corner.

Dropping the rest of the mail on the coffee table, you rushed back to your bedroom, locking the door immediately before sitting at the edge of your bed and taking in Matty’s scrawl of a penmanship. Running your fingers over the ink; your mind flashed back to that day.

The day you realised he wasn’t okay.

How completely out of it he was as you watched him at their last festival gig of the iliwys tour cycle. How utterly miserable he looked as he threw himself about the stage, looking just the shadow of the man you knew and loved.

You knew something wasn’t right as you watched from the side of stage with their manager Jamie. George ever the professional, had even broke his concentration bubble to catch your eye several times during their festival set, worry set in his features.

The way your gentle giant walked straight up to you, stopped in front of you and just by the look in your eyes. Your face never one to hide your emotions. George wrapped his arm around you and without a single word, the pair of you knew you had to speak to the other boys about it. You needed to talk to him.

The night of the intervention. The way he screamed and shouted at you all. He admitted to using but he didn’t do it quietly. The way Ross stepped in front of you in defence when he swore at you. Hann’s hand wrapped tightly around your own, George’s hand squeezing your shoulder in support as your brown eyes glossed over as you took in the man in front of you. He wasn’t your Matty and you hated looking at him like this.

You didn’t want to look at him at all and it broke your heart.

Slipping your finger into the envelope you finally tore it open, slipping out several pages of paper. You weren’t sure how long you were holding them before you actually unfolded them but it felt like a lifetime of contemplating before you managed to finally take a deep breath and compose yourself enough to read his words.

‘Darling,

As part of my recovery, I’ve been tasked to write a letter to everyone I’ve hurt and yours is the last one I’ve got to write. Not because you mean the least to me. Quite the opposite. Yours has been the hardest to write. Harder than Gabby. My Mam, Dad & Louis & the boys because you mean the absolute world to me.

This is actually the third time I’ve attempted to write this. Admitting that I’ve hurt you is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. You know what I’m like, I’m a stubborn twat at the best of times but I needed to do this because you deserve this apology probably the most.

You’ve never once judged me and the fucked up things I do when I’m on one. Since we were kids you’ve stuck by my side, defended me when I really didn’t deserve it and loved me endlessly from the sidelines and I’ve definitely not deserved your love but you gave me it anyway.

Do you remember that time we were on tour in 2014 and I was fucked up on coke for god knows how many days in a row and you couldn’t even be in the same room as me that day on the bus when I was on that god awful come down on the way to North Carolina?

Yet you still didn’t say no when I selfishly came crawling to your bunk to interrupt your peace and quiet with my tail between my legs, asking to come lie with you. You could have told me to piss off but you didn’t, you let me squish myself into your bunk and your arms and let me sleep off my hangover in your arms without complaining once. I would have complained but you didn’t, you let me and my cold hands snake their way into your personal space like I hadn’t gotten on your last nerve just ten minutes prior.

I’m quite a selfish person. You my darling are the most selfless person I know and I don’t deserve the good grace you’ve given me time and time again. Especially seeing as I dragged you along for the ride and then you’ve had to babysit me because I can’t control myself when it comes to drugs and showing off because I want everyone to like me.

You could have taken the tough love route, told me I’m a big fuck up and judged me for my drug use and tried to get me to stop (which probably would have have had the opposite effect out of defiance) but you didn’t. You silently kept an eye on me and made sure I didn’t end up killing myself. Until I took it too far.

I’ve seen you look at me with distaste over the years. Yet nothing compares to the way you looked at me that day you guys staged your intervention. I didn’t think you guys had noticed. I thought me and Miss H had this great big secret going on and I didn’t want to let any of you guys in on it because it would ruin what we had.

Yet you know me better than anyone. You and George both just knew that day. Of course you did. You’re my best friends. But you don’t know how happy I am the four of you staged that intervention and told me I needed to get my shit together.

When I think about the way I lashed out at you. The way your big brown eyes that usually sparkle with mischief when we’re with each other, glossed over as you just stood and took it and didn’t even raise your voice at me once. I can feel the lump in my throat tighten as I write this.

I deserved it you know. I deserved whatever fury was bubbling inside you because I was a class A cunt that day! I’m truly surprised Ross didn’t knock my head off and I wouldn’t have blamed him either if he had done!

I’m just so glad you did something because the thought of losing every single one of you shatters my soul so much, I would cease to exist without you.

I could sit here and write down the list of all things I’m sorry for but physically we don’t have the time or enough paper! But you should know that I am.

I’m sorry.

For everything.

I’m doing okay. The best I’ve been in a long time. The only way being here might get better is if you were here too.

I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But I’m begging for it because the thought of you hating me and not being able to trust me anymore kills me.

You really an angel on this earth.

I don’t deserve you.

I love you.

Yours Matthew x

p.s I cannot wait to be reunited with your tits! I’ve missed them!

You let out a chortled laugh as you read through the last line of the letter. Your hands quickly making their way to your face as you wiped the tears that were streaming from your face. The cuffs of your hoodie wet from where you’ve tried to stop the flow of tears. Pressing the letter to your chest, you took a few deep breaths to try compose yourself before you left the confinements of your bedroom.

Hurriedly shoving the letter into your handbag, so there was no chance Michael could stumble across your letter. He didn’t like Matty as it was, you didn’t want to give him ammunition to say anything. You grabbed your car keys and rushed out of the house without a word to your boyfriend and heading straight to Hann’s.

2020

You had broken up with Michael.

The red flags should have been there from the start really. He always had less than nice words to say about you and your relationships with the boys. He didn’t have a lot of nice things to say in general but you were blinded by love and the man he was when you first met that you didn’t see the red flags being waved right in front of your face until your heart (and self confidence) were already broken.

Your brother didn’t like Michael, he thought there was something off about him from the off but you put it down to Ross doing his job as your big brother but his opinion didn’t waver once in the four years you were together. George never liked how possessive he was and the fact he became even more so and tried to stop you from speaking to him after he found out about your night together. Which just fyi happened three years prior to meeting him, so he (everyone) was flabbergasted as to why he was so bothered! Hann. Your sweet angel of a bestie had even voiced how he didn’t like him and he was never one to be rude which should have also been a clue you were dating a dickhead.

Then there was Matty. Matty hated him. The feelings were mutual. Michael had told you plenty of times over your four years together that he hated your best friend but he would never tell you why. Matty told you it was because ‘he was a twat who didn’t deserve you’. You were obliged to agree because that mother fucker cheated on you!

Multiple women across the last two years of your relationship.

To say you were stunned was an understatement yet it somehow made sense and fell into place so easily when you thought about it all. Yet that didn’t make it hurt any less. But a friend of yours sending you the evidence whilst you were on the last night of the UK tour was the final nail in the coffin that was your shitty relationship with him.

You weren’t sure who wanted to kill him more. Your brother? Matty? Or George? The three of them were raging amongst one another at their after party which should have been a celebration whilst Hann sat with his arms wrapped around you as you cried to him and Carly. You didn’t think anything would make you feel better apart from getting obliterated with your favourite people and forgetting about Michael and the impending doom that was about to be bestowed upon the entire world.

Matty was your saving grace.

Asked you to move in, without even hesitating. Naturally you said yes, sitting in your flat all by yourself whilst you cried over your douchebag of an ex during lockdown did not sound appealing to you. It was giving ‘Emma Pilssbury crying to Celine Dion in her car from Glee’ and you weren’t quite ready to hit that stage of your breakup depression just yet.

Two weeks turned into two months and then four months of lockdown but quite frankly you had never been happier. Living with Matty again, surprisingly was just as good the second time round if not easier. Except this time you weren’t poor, your kitchen roof wasn’t leaking and there was a 95% less drug taking which made your life a whole lot less stressful.

It was just easy with him. At some point whilst the world stood still, Matty and Tahliah broke up and then it really just was you two; doing your washing, fighting over who’s turn it was to use their club card during the weekly shop at Tesco and raising his (both of your’s) new dog, Mayhem.

The two of you had been getting ready to move into a studio tomorrow with George after four months of just the two of you playing house, the pair of them just itching to get back to work. You were aware that Matty had been writing already but you knew it would be full steam now Notes had been released and you wanted to make use of the time you had left just the two of you.

Only because you knew as soon as you got your hands on George. That was it! Not a chance Matty was getting any attention. You had missed your big friendly giant more than anything and you knew from your FaceTime with him last night whilst you couldn’t sleep that he was more than excited to see you too.

All three of you were sunbathing in the garden. Mayhem by your side as the two of you soaked up some much needed sun. The heatwave the UK was currently in the middle of was doing wonders for your skin. You had been lying in silence for the past thirty minutes, a book covering your face to block out the sun as you tried to read. Matty’s head in your lap as you presumed he was napping when you suddenly felt him turn over in your lap, now on his side and looking up at you.

Lifting the book ever so slightly, so you could peek underneath at him, you cocked an eyebrow as he watched you with a gentle gaze. “Yes?” Your tone rich with sarcasm as you stared back at him. “Anything actually going through that pretty head of yours Healy? What you thinking about?”

“Us.”

“Us?” You laughed. “What about us?”

“You remember my eighteenth birthday?” He asked; peering up at you with a soft smile.

“The party?” Matty nodded. “I remember Ross stopping me from getting with Max! Remember him? I was gutted!” You laughed. “Why?”

“You know that’s not what I meant?” Matty frowned slightly as he pouted at you.

“Of course I do.” You put your book down, your hands automatically reaching for what was left of his curls,“What about it?”

“You ever think about it?”

“Sometimes. Think we’ve done a fantastic job at keeping it from my brother! Especially with your big gob!” You smiled down at him as you ran your hand through his curls gently.

“Funny!” He sent a glare your way, causing you to laugh loudly at his attempt to be intimidating.

“What’s got you thinking about that kiss from a million years ago anyway?”

“Wanking material.” He somehow managed to say without cracking smile.

It was your turn to shoot him a glare at his crudeness. It wasn’t long though until he was grinning up at you from his place in your lap. You pushed his head away from you in fake annoyance. God you couldn’t stand him sometimes!

“Ohh come on darling. I hear you sometimes! We all do it, you’ve got to think of something!” Matty tried to lighten the mood.

“Yeah I think about G’s 23rd birthday.” You smirked. Your vibrator was good but it wasn’t George. You couldn’t remember the last time you had a good orgasm and thinking it might have been before Michael makes you want to cry. Your confession/kind of a joke caused the grin to fall from his face and you almost felt bad, knowing he doesn’t want to hear about the incredible night you had with George because if anyone asked him, he absolutely did not want to relive it.

“I’m joking!” Your hand reached for his curls again. “Seriously though, what’s got you reminiscing about it. It’s been a long time.”

“Just thinking about how much I love you is all.” His confession made you stop. “What would have happened if we’d said fuck it and we ended up together.”

“I don’t think Ross would have been too happy. You saw how mad he got about G!” You laughed nervously as you thought about stopping your brother from knocking his band mate out.

“He’d have gotten over it.” Matty was now leaning up on his arms, leaning forward to press a light kiss to your bikini clad torso before pressing several kisses in quick succession up your stomach until he was hovering over your chest and looking down at your face. “If we were happy, he’d have been happy. You know he would have been.”

His actions made you hold your breath. It being strangely intimate and probably the most intimate you’d been since you were teenagers. You wondered if he was actually going to kiss you again but he just looked down at you fondly.

“You know I’d do anything for you right?” You nodded. “You’re one of the only people who makes me truly happy. I’d literally go too far just you have you near. I’d go blind just to see you!”

You rolled your eyes at the dramatics of his statement but the sweet sentiment made you smile, you reached up to hold the side of his face in your hands. Your thumb sweeping over the apple of his left cheek. The pair of you just basking in the warmth of the sun and each other. Unsure how long you hadn’t said anything, Matty broke the silence in the most Matty way.

“Literally anything you need. I’ve got you for life sweetheart. A cuppa? A joint? An orgasm? I’m your man!”

A chortle left your mouth as he cheekily beamed down at you, waiting for what he knew would be a somewhat sarcastic response. He didn’t realise he’d really set himself up for what you were about to say.

“Don’t worry I’m good. I’m seeing G tomorrow!”

The way his eyes narrowed at you made you cackle even louder as he finally jumped up off you, to walk back inside without another word. “I’m sorry!” You laughed. “I promise not to shag George when I see him. I’m good with my vibrator I promise!” You manage to sputter out through your laughter. “Stick the kettle on whilst you’re in there love.” You shouted after him.

Matty threw you the middle finger over his shoulder which made you laugh even more as he went though the back door, Mayhem hot on his heels; knowing fine well he was going to put the kettle on and make you a brew just how you liked it because for as long as he can remember he’s never been able to say no to you and he didn’t think he’d ever will.

2023

The 1975 in Show and Concert was possibly your favourite tour that you’d been apart of with the boys. There was an accumulative of factors; the fact you weren’t the only girl on tour this time round, Carly had joined Adam with their son and Charli had come to as many shows as her own schedule permitted. You also had a little part to play at Matthew’s request (obviously!) donned in a white lab coat, you brought Matty a hot honey and lemon on stage every night and pottered about with the rest of the crew, making sure your brother and the rest of the band were all good before slipping off to watch the rest of the show from backstage.

Or it could have been that you and Matty were closer than ever. Ever since lockdown and the pair of you had been living together, everything seemed so simple that since restrictions were lifted, you just carried on living together. I think when George removed the last box of things from your old flat to take to Matty’s did it for him, that he just shook his head with a laugh.

“You guys really are an old married couple!” He chuckled; slamming the boot close and jumping in the car before you could get a word in edgeways.

He wasn’t wrong, you guys did essentially everything together apart from have sex. Not that you hadn’t thought about it. Somewhere between moving into the studio with him and George and then your brother and Hann joining them to start recording their fifth studio album. You hadn’t shagged anyone in over a year and there was only so many times you could use your vibrator before you got bored and there wasn’t a cat’s chance in hell you were ordering a new toy to the studio because Matty didn’t have boundaries and absolutely would have opened it before you could even get the chance to get your hands on it.

You had also promised after day one; after one too many jokes and essentially mounting George at any given moment just to have him near you that you wouldn’t sleep with him. Even though a repeat of his birthday from seven years prior was literally so so temping to you! So what the hell were you going to do? The thought of dating apps made you want to vomit and hanging about bars really didn’t seem that appealing.

But Matty being Matty; was being overly affectionate one night after one too many glasses of red after a show, had the two of you giggling like teenagers and wondering if the two of you had gotten better at kissing since Matty’s 18th. Curiosity getting the better of the both of you, had you surging towards one another in a flurry of horniness after the kiss, was how you found yourself straddling his lap and snogging him like your life depended on it! Until you physically had to pull away to get your breath back and a rush of sense flashed through your brain. The two of you went to bed separately.

Neither of you spoke about it again.

Nor did you ever think about how the two of you were always drawn to each other no matter what shit storm was going on around you until now. You were just tying up the end of the UK leg of the tour, you and the band were in Ireland and Jamie had just told you that *The Scum* were running a horrendous article about Matty. This had in turn resulted in an argument after their penultimate show between the boys.

You knew he did things in the heat of the moment whilst he’s on stage or says shit without thinking and it comes to bite him in the arse almost every time but he’d never do what they’re accusing him of on purpose.

But seeing your brother hurt by Matty’s stupid actions; the repercussions for not just himself but for the rest of the band, your brother, yourself just by association. It was enough for you to step in, in defence of your brother. He came before everyone else, every single time.

This you didn’t realise; had as big of an effect until you were stood frozen on stage in front of your brother, Matty in between you and Ross. Apologising to him, crying in front of thousands of people. How Ross hadn’t broke the facade and took him in his arms was beyond you because your brother’s face was currently blurry to you and he was stood a foot in front of you. Tears filled your brown eyes and were threatening to spill as Matty let his vulnerable side show in front of everyone. Something he never does.

You had done so well until he apologised once more; removing his hand from Ross’s arm and reaching behind him blindly to grab on to you. The tears automatically fell; the action enough to make Ross twitch in an ache to comfort you. Something he couldn’t do until the band had come off stage at the end of consumption.

After the final song of tour; the boys usually head on out for the after party. Tonight you had Matty back at the hotel in your room on his knees and begging for you.

Begging for you to not leave him. Begging for you not to move out. Begging for you to stay by his side. Begging for you to still love him.

You furrowed your eyebrows as you looked down at the man in front of you; on his knees as his hands grasped at your legs, pulling you close as he hugged you as physically close as possible as he sobbed against your legs. Instinctively you reached for his curls, running your fingers through them softly.

“Baby. Look at me.” The softness of his curls tickled your thighs as he stayed pressed against you. “Matthew. Darling look at me.”

You managed to loosen his grip enough to slide down on to your knees in front of him, taking a hold of his face in your hands as you eyes flitted across his face, smiling softly at him as he tried to calm himself down.

“I can’t lose you. I can’t lose any of you.” He shook his head, curls flying in front of his face. “But I can’t lose you darling. I can’t.”

“Matthew. Look at me. Why do you think you’re going to lose me? You’re never going to lose me. You’re kinda stuck with me!” You laughed. “And even if I decided to fuck off, my brother being your bassist kind of means I’m stuck with you anyway.” The grip on his face got tighter as his hands reached up to hold on to your wrists.

“But last night…”

“Ross and I just want you to use your brain sometimes before you do stupid shit! You’ve not lost either of us. I promise.”

“Promise?”

Your heart jumped into your throat at the swell of tears in his eyes and his lip quiver.

“Life. That’s how long you’ve got me for Healy. Promise.” As soon as you stopped speaking; Matty threw himself at you, arms around your neck and squeezing you so tightly you nearly stopped breathing. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you” Being repeated in your ear over and over as you squeezed him back, pressing your lips to the side of his face in consecutive kisses until he abruptly pulled away. Eyes red and looking at you so softly you thought he was going to cry again.

“I love you.”

“I love you too. You know I do.” You smiled at him warmly.

“No. It’s always been you.” He said as he reached for your hands and it felt like you had been hit in the chest. The sting of tears trickling up your face and threatening to fill your eyes as you silently took him in. You went to open your mouth but nothing came out.

“I know I always talk too much but just listen to me. I love you. Since we were kids I reckon, I was just too chicken to ever do anything. When you kissed me on my 18th birthday. When you saw I needed help, you saved my life sending me to rehab. Every day, I thought about getting home to you. It’s what got me through every day. You make me a better man darling. When you take my shit when I don’t deserve it. When you make me a brew in the morning just how I like it. When you roll me a joint when you realise I’m too tense and in my head without me even having to ask. When you tell me to shut the fuck up before a situation escalates. When we go to big Tesco and walk the dog or do all the washing together. I fucking live for that shit because it’s with you. Fuck I’ve been writing songs about you for the past decade! You are intertwined with every era of this band sweetheart. I mean 60% of the last album is about you! ” He chuckled softly.

“What?” Managed to escape you in a gasp.

“Come on sweetheart. Some of this music has literally been out for ten years!”

“I - Just never - Why have you never said anything before now?” Your voice horse with frustration.

“I love your brother too much. But thinking I’d lost the two of you, just made me think fuck it. You deserve to know. You need to know.” Matty shrugged casually.

“That’s stupid.” Your deadpan tone, stunning him silent.

“Sorry?”

“Wasn’t it you that said to me that if Ross knew I was happy. That we were happy he wouldn’t care. He’d have gotten over it? And you’ve just subliminally been telling me you love me through music this entire time?”

“Yes?”

You cocked an eyebrow at his hesitation, the questioning tone as your eyes flit across his handsome features. Cheeks tinged with pink due to his tears, his chest falling up and down rapidly at his confession as he awaited you answer. You still didn’t say anything, thinking about how to respond until you found the perfect response.

Surging forward you pushed your lips against Matty’s. Hands reaching for the curls you loved so much. Waiting for him to reciprocate felt like a life time but your Matthew was well equipped in the art of kissing you back so realistically it was 0.2 seconds after he had gotten over the shock.

You kissed him over and over again, not wanting to stop the feeling of how your lips moved against his, how his tongue felt against yours. You felt like you were on fire, he was intoxicating. He always was but fuck was he more than ever. Finally finding the strength to untangle yourself from him, chests heaving as you both got oxygen back in your lungs you said the words, the way he’d been wishing to hear for the past sixteen years.

“I love you too.”

When he was finally seen in public two days later on the eve of their Gorilla gig in Manchester. The fans noticed Matty was in higher spirits than he had been two days prior when his breakdown was caught on camera. You had been nervous to tell your brother but Ross claimed he already knew Matty was in love with you, he was just waiting to see if he’d actually grow some balls or not! Then he hugged you so tightly and whispered he was happy for the both of you, which in turn had you and Matty crying backstage in their green room as you found yourself in a 1975 sandwich!

You don’t think you had seen Matty look so happy on stage in a long time. He loved touring but it was gruelling but seeing him on stage in this tiny venue with his best friends and his girl watching and waiting for him side stage. He couldn’t stop beaming. The fans noticed, the comments already flying in online about him. They increased tenfold when he jumped offstage, not waiting the ten second walk backstage before kissing you like his life depended on it.

The blurry picture of Matty holding your jaw in his hands as he kissed you in the shadows of the stage was on a 1975 update account within minutes.

Captioned: If you know you know. Finally 🖤

You were obliged to agree.

#Matty Healy #matty healy imagine #matty healy fic #matty healy x reader #matty healy x you #matty healy fanfiction #the 1975 imagine #the 1975 fic #the 1975 x reader #George Daniel #george daniel imagine #Adam Hann #adam hann imagine #Ross MacDonald #ross macdonald imagine

724 notes · View notes

scribescrawls · 3 months ago

Note

Taco headcanons?

Apologies to anon who sent this for the late response! I meant to respond earlier, but I am kind of slow in replying to messages and comments a lot of the time sorry!!

I think with taco it depends on the story I am trying to tell at the moment that could change the way I characterize them from story to story. I will list some of the more general headcanons I have about them or when I write them though some of these might differ between each other depending on the story I work on (of course these are just my personal opinions or me being delulu haha and it’s totally fine if people have differing opinions or don’t agree lol)

Taco headcanons:

-I do not agree with the idea that Tom/Voldemort is incapable of love. I also don’t really see them as different people, perhaps depending on the setting I can see them at different life stages so they are different from each other but I don’t really see them as separate people if that makes any sense lol

-I see Tom as being actually a very sentimental person when he gets attached to something and in some ways is both a cynic about the world but also a romantic in that he romanticizes certain things about his life. Like the way he clings to his connection to being “heir of Slytherin” and the idea of being special over others, I see as more of a coping mechanism for his trauma of growing up as an orphan during a war where the very real fear of dying in that time in obscurity like so many other orphans or like his mother has him clinging onto any hope that he won’t end up the same. He’s probably grown up with most people believing and saying that he’s nobody and will die as a nobody in a pauper’s grave. I can see him telling himself that he is special and forcing himself to believe that he is someone of worth meant for greater things because no one else will. Because the alternative is admitting that you will probably die alone and forgotten by the world and no one will care.

-I think once he actually reaches a point of self-awareness that he likes/loves someone and wants them in his life it goes from 0 to 100 real quick. I actually see him as the one with less commitment issues most of the time once he realizes his emotions because I guess I view it as when he wants something he’s determined to get it and keep it forever. Of course this requires him to grow attached or care for whatever idea/object/person in question first and admit it to himself which I see as more rare but when it happens he loves with an intense fervor/obsession. I could imagine Draco casually dating people for fun before they get together, but I can’t see Tom enjoying casual dating at all. If he was going to officially date someone, I think Tom would already have decided this is the one and you’re never leaving him :)

-I headcanon Tom as demisexual and demiromantic. For Draco I personally headcanon him as bi, both bisexual and biromantic

-Though their differing personalities can be a source of conflict, I also think it can be beneficial in balancing them. I see Draco as being able to bring out the more fun side of Tom and just brings a bit of silliness and fun in general to their dynamic and in Tom’s life. In turn, I see Tom as being able to ground Draco’s flights of fancy and stop Draco from overthinking things when he gets too in his own head about things. I also think Draco helps Tom not overthink certain things too but in different ways. I think if they manage to strike the right balance between their personalities they kind of ground each other.

-I see Tom as having a dry sense of humor mixed with some gallows humor and also occasionally makes puns, like with the whole Wormtail hand joke lol, I think Draco actually really enjoys Tom’s dry sense of humor and one of the things Draco likes about him is that he can make him laugh. I think Tom is also the kind to make mean scathing remarks about people usually in a dry way and Draco’s humor is kind of similar and finds it funny when Tom is mean so long as it’s not targeted at him. I also think that Draco’s over dramatic ridiculousness sometimes exasperates Tom, but I think it also amuses him in some ways and Draco just by the nature of how he is sometimes brings levity to the situation when Tom is being too serious.

-I think Tom is bad at social cues and understanding other people. I think he can read people enough to manipulate them to use them, but if you try to get him to truly understand someone he doesn’t really get it most of the time. Like he can understand a certain pattern of behavior gets a certain reaction, but understanding why that would make someone else feel that way is a struggle especially if he hasn’t experienced it himself.

While he can put on a charismatic facade I don’t think he enjoys it and I think it’s actually very tiring for him when he has to do it long term.

-I think Tom shows his care and affection through actions over words

-I think Tom has a romanticized idea of his mother and I think part of him feels angry she died and left him alone (even if it’s not a rational thought), but I think he also loves her or at least the idea of her that he’s built up in his mind since he never actually knew what she was like in real life. Like she died and ‘left him’ (even if we know dying in childbirth isn’t choosing to leave someone), but she also seems to be the only one in the world who wanted him. And I think that’s why he’s so protective of this idea he’s made of her in his head and her memory. The way he only moves to attack Morfin when his uncle starts calling his mother horrible names and insulting her or the way he was so dead set on getting the locket that belonged to her. Or his hatred of his dad for leaving them.

-I think Tom has an idealized concept of motherhood and that traits like love, care, affection, gentleness, understanding, comfort, etc (things I think he craves but won’t admit) are things he associates with mothers. Mothers are the ones who love their children and want them. Mothers care for their children enough to die for them. But they are also in his eyes weak, fragile, and they die on you. (Of course we know not all mothers are like that)

I don’t think Tom is looking for someone to replace his mom, but I think Draco’s way of caring for people that he’s learned from growing up in a loving family reflects a lot of the ideals of what Tom imagines a family or more specifically the only family member worth anything in his eyes (mothers) embody

-Because Draco grew up in a loving family with two overprotective parents, when he takes care of others especially those he loves or sees as family whether it’s intentional or not I think it’s a bit coddling, sometimes nagging, but gentle and very warm. And Tom getting to be on the receiving end of all of that from Draco, it’s probably the closest he’s ever felt to having a family and the safety and care the feeling invokes probably makes him want to hoard it like a starving man. Draco is also magically weaker (though that’s not saying much considering it’s Voldemort/Tom he’s being compared to and almost everyone would be weaker) and Tom’s probably aware of how easy it would be to kill him or for him to die. Draco’s probably playing on all his mommy issues lol

-I like to think that Tom likes discussing Dark Arts with Draco and likes that he can talk about the stuff without Draco blinking an eye at the subject matter or being appalled that Tom is fascinated with the Dark Arts as a subject since Draco grew up in a family that practices Dark Arts and has a bunch of Dark artifacts and items just hanging around Malfoy Manor like they’re your everyday vase considering Lucius had to sell some of it off to Borgin and Burkes to avoid the Ministry’s prying in book 2. While yes he is fascinated with the Dark Arts for the power it could bring him, I also just see Tom as someone who is fascinated by magic in general and how it works. I see his fascination with the Dark Arts equally as an academic interest and think he’d like talking about his interests.

Draco’s less judgemental view of the Dark Arts means he’d be more comfortable talking about it without judging Tom in regards to his interests on principle, since he wouldn’t view the Dark Arts as inherently bad. Draco growing up in a loving family who also happened to practice Dark Arts means he wouldn’t have that association that Dark magic always equals bad. I actually think he’d have a more nuanced view that it’s all in the application of the spell rather than the type of spell that makes it bad to do. I also think because of that Draco also brings up sometimes creative but also silly applications for the spells Tom is studying or making. Like a spell that would sear the flesh of a person’s skin without burning through their whole body quickly until their insides slowly melted. And Draco would probably ask if the same spell could be used to roast the perfect marshmallow with a perfect gooey center. Tom would call him ridiculous and then five minutes later they’d probably be hunched over a marshmallow trying it out because now the thought won’t leave Tom’s head and Draco would whine about wanting to try it lol

-I see them as both very stubborn people so conflicts do happen, but I think as long as they work on their communication over time they have the potential to be a solid couple. Though I don’t think their communication skills came naturally. I think a lot of it came with trial and error.

-I think there are moments where Draco does things and Tom has that feeling/thought of “I do not understand rich people” lol

-I don’t see Taco as a “match made in heaven perfect for each other in every way" kind of ship, I think it’s one of those ships where they don’t easily mesh together naturally but when they find the balance between their personalities I think they could make for a very strong couple. Very much a “you want to make it work so you put in the effort to stay in each other’s lives because it is something you both want” kind of ship.

-I see them as an “I accidentally fell in love” (this was neither of our initial intents), but “I chose to remain in love and every day I choose to love you” kind of ship

Of course this all depends on how they are written and I will admit I do tend to write them softer than perhaps most portrayals lol, though darker portrayals can be fun to explore too but at the moment somehow all of mine so far have been coming out quite soft…lol

-Taco for me is like that one Emperor’s New Groove scene where he pulls down the chart and is like “by all accounts it doesn’t make sense”, but it compels me though and here I am haha

And it is fun exploring the many ways they could meet and fall in love UwU

#tomdraco #taco #hp #harry potter #anonymous #anon ask #long post #draco malfoy #tom riddle

25 notes · View notes

fairlylocalkatiee · 2 months ago

Note

Hello bestie! Can I request a fic where reader meets josh and Tyler at a gig and they dance together eventually exchanging numbers and going on a date? I don’t care which member it is lol I need a surprise 😊

HI BESTIE TY FOR MY FIRST REQUEST (I haven’t written fanfic in a very long time so bear with me !!!)

Word count: 904

Warnings: mention of drinking (reader is 21+) nothing else except some fluffy fluff (also I invented this venue in my head lol)

Chance Encounter — Tyler Joseph x Reader

|-/

The sound of the loud music pumping through the venue made you smile as you made your way into your favorite Friday night haunt, The Outsiders.

Even by yourself you always had a good time listening to the local bands that came to play at the venue. You didn’t really know any of the bands playing tonight but you had heard good things from your friends about one called Twenty One Pilots.

Making your way to the bar you got yourself your favorite drink and headed toward the front of the stage, where a captivating all female band played a cover of the song Zombie.

You lost yourself in the music, closing your eyes and letting your body sway to the chorus.

Everything was going great until you felt a random shove from behind, causing your drink to fly out of your hand and spill onto the floor.

Turning abruptly you came face to face with the softest brown eyes apologetically looking at you.

“I am so sorry, my friend and I were just roughhousing- I didn’t mean to bump into you… can I buy you another drink?” He asked, running his hands through his short brown hair.

He was wearing a short sleeved white button up and dark jeans. Casual but he was making it work. You felt yourself blush realizing how cute he was.

“I would like that, thanks.” You smiled.

He reached his hand out to you and you gently took it as he led you back to the bar. Feeling his warm hand in yours sent tingles up your spine.

“I’m Tyler by the way.”

“(Y/N).” You smiled at him as he ordered your drink.

“Now I have to confess it was actually my friend Josh’s crazy idea to bump into you… he saw how I was admiring you as you danced, I’m really embarrassed about it honestly.” He said with a nervous laugh, “but I didn't mean to spill your drink, I swear.”

“I believe you,” you laughed along with him, “sad to waste a perfectly good drink but I think it was for the better.” You said, realizing you were leaning closer and closer to each other as you talked.

“Want to catch the last few songs with me?” He stood up abruptly and reached for your hand again, you let him lead you back to the dance floor in front of the stage.

The band was playing an original song now, and you felt your self confidence building as you sipped your drink and began dancing along to the music with Tyler.

“Do you know any of the bands playing tonight?” He asked, you shook your head. “Not really, I heard some good things about one of the bands, though… twenty one pilots I think they’re called but I haven’t listened to them at all.”

“Oh yeah, you totally should! They rock. I love them!” He smiled brightly at you and your heart beat faster in your chest.

The world around you faded into a blur as you danced together, feeling the electricity between you as his hands found your waist, pulling you closer to him.

His lips brushing your ear as he leaned forward and spoke, “You’re a great dancer,” you smiled and leaned into him, “Only with good company”.

“That was our set, Thankyou all!” The lead singer shouted into the mic playing the last few notes on her guitar.

“I’ll be right back,” Tyler said reluctantly, pulling away from you.

He grabbed his friend from earlier who was talking animatedly nearby surrounded by several women and disappeared into the crowd.

“I really hope he actually comes back” you said to yourself with a sigh, thinking about how much you enjoyed talking and dancing with him. You’d never felt an instant connection with anyone like that before.

“Next up is our headlining band, Twenty One Pilots!” They announced, beckoning them onto the stage.

You looked around trying to find Tyler, hoping he would be back to watch the next set with you, but your eyes locked on a familiar figure on the stage.

It was him!

You felt your heart in your throat as you realized the guy you’d been flirting with all night was the lead singer of the band your friends told you about.

He started to sing and his eyes locked onto yours in the crowd, smiling at you.

“Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed I said I had no idea who they were!” You wanted to run into the corner and hide, but you resisted the urge.

Throughout the entire set Tyler’s eyes found you several times, and each time you felt your heart flutter. You glued yourself to your spot in front of the stage as the crowd filled out behind you, dancing and singing to the music.

You stood mesmerized as he sang, impressed by him and his friend Josh’s fantastic drumming. At the end of the setlist the crowd roared with cheers as Tyler took the mic one last time.

“Thankyou everyone! We’re Twenty One Pilots! And I have just one more quick thing…” Tyler’s eyes found yours again in the crowd , “(Y/N) I know we just met but I really want to take you out on a date. Will you go out with me?” He reached his hand out for you and pulled you onto the stage and you fell into his arms where they wrapped around your waist.

“Yes of course I will, Tyler!” The crowd erupted in whoops and cheers.

——

I hope you all enjoyed my first Tyler moment it’s short but since I haven’t written in so long I needed to dip my toes in. lol. Requests are open for anything ! Fluff, smut, Angst, for both boys!! Love yall ‼️🥰 (also is the formatting weird I wrote and posted this with my phone lol)

#tyler joseph x reader #tyler joseph #josh dun #twenty one pilots #tøp #twenty øne piløts #tyler joseph imagine #tyler joseph imagines

24 notes · View notes

nct-charlee · 5 months ago

Text

Jaemin + Charlee (CharMin)

“Charming. That’s what we are. ”

masterlist // NCT DREAM

(korean, english)

warning: NONE.

a/n: but hi everyone !!! so sorry for literally disappearing from the face of the earth for almost a year (yikes!). when i first started writing and thinking up Charlee i had the time and energy to finally write something. but the more i wrote and the less i saw people actually engage in my work was extremely disheartening. it was a really hard thing to consider but i just couldn’t write without thinking of what people would think of my work (if they would even read it LOL). at that same time i started falling out of love with kpop and kpop content and so it made no sense to keep doing something i found no joy in doing. BUTTTT i finally gained that spark and started following NCT and RIIZE!! writing charlee and her story was one of my favorite things to do and i really missed it i think. so her story lives on!! and there’s someone on the way, coming very very soon ��

WC:

First Meeting

“She was and is so-” (all the members start groaning, Chenle and Haechan start saying ‘la la la I can’t hear you’)

“-pretty” (Staff coo while all the members starts booing causing Jaemin to just smile wider)

It was right after the meeting to reveal that Charlotte would in fact join NCT dream

Charlotte was the last in the room, still trying to rack her brain. she was going to debut

Not just that she was going to debut in a boy group, all different things going on in her head

Jaemin had seen her around, in passing. They had not once said anything to each other though

“She was still bawling in the office and I felt so bad. I don’t even remember what I said exactly, but I remember comforting her.”

Jaemin had realized he hadn’t seen her and decided to go see where she was

He had just been put on hiatus for his back and had a feeling Charlotte was probably feeling horrible, she probably thought she was replacing him

When he came in she had her head in her hands and was sobbing. He quickly walked inside and closed the door, coughing slightly so she could hear him

She quickly tried to wipe her tears, before sniffing out “Sorry, I’ll get out soon…”

“No, no, You’re fine. I was actually looking for you,” He smiles softly. “I just wondered if you wanted to go and get some snacks with me?”

“Um, okay. Sure?”

Jaemin laughed a little and held his hand, taking hers and leading her to the nearest convenience store

Fan Favorite Moment

During “Boom” it was obvious that Dream was going in a darker and more mature era

Slowly her clothes got short and tighter until she all she could do was place her hands around her to at least have a little modesty off stage

It was also when staff realized she was in fact the same height as multiple members, if not taller

When people would bring up her height, he often would often try to change the subject, knowing she was uncomfortable with talking about it

He was also silently helping her with her clothes

Covering her with blankets or towels during variety or awards shows. If nothing was around he would use his own jacket, not caring that he was going to get a earful from the stylists

One time, the camera man started zooming in on her. He immediately jumped into frame and started smiling and waving his finger ‘no’.

When Charlee finally notices the camera she waves and they both start joking around

It’s still unclear if the camera persons intentions were bad or good

On Screen

“We are very charming so Charmin is us!”

Popularity: 9/10

Nicknames: Baby, Honey, Jagiya…that’s it, only endearing names

Best couple right here (I mean whatttt??)

They are so loved that even the biggest scandals that have come from DREAM was because of them, but they got cleared immediately when people realized it was about them

Clingyyyyy

Again one of the few members to show affection on screen

Jaemin while being the perceived “loudest” in variety content, Charlee is perceived the “loudest” during vlogs and trip content. In both occasions they balance each other out

Either calming each other or bringing the other out of their shell. A slight graze of each others arm is all they need to know that they’re either doing “too much” or “too little”

Off Screen

Still touchy, if not more so

Off camera Charlee is quite unserious and is seriously the joker AND a big yapper

Being the same but total opposites at the same time translates even off screen

Charlee is not shy to run up to him and hug him randomly, or call him randomly to say “I have to pee”

There’s no such thing as TMI between them and she makes sure he remembers that

One of the first tattoos she had gotten was dedicated to 8dream, each member had a little doodle she drew that reminded her of them

His was a cup of coffee in a ying and yang-esque way. One half being darker (his namericano) and one half being a milk-coffee (her 70:30 creamer and milk to coffee ratio)

#nct added member #nct addition #nct dream added member #nct dream oc #nct female addition #nct dream au #nct dream female member #nct dream 8th member #nct female member #nct dream fluff #nct dream #jaemin #nct oc #nct dream fic #nct fic

30 notes · View notes

writingsfromhome · 2 years ago

Text

Three’s Company

A/N: I tried to balance some angst with fluff, hope I did it right lol. You’re dating Harry’s best friend but you and Harry are also best friends. Until he confesses a secret. I think this one got long but I wrote it quickly so don’t mind any mistakes. hope everyone enjoys it! Happy holidays :) <3

——————————————————————

“Me and my boys,” I wrap one arm around my boyfriend Frank and the other around my best mate, Harry. “I’m so glad you guys showed tonight!”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Harry squeezes my hand on his shoulder.

“I’m so proud of you,” Frank pulls me away from Harry into his arms. He plants a very wet kiss on me. “You’ve worked so hard these last few months.”

“I know,” I take my boyfriend’s face in my hands. “Thanks for supporting me.”

“Ahem,” Harry clears his throat. “I was also up at 2am helping you practice lines.”

“Of course,” I plant a kiss on Harry cheeks. “Couldn’t have done it without either of your support.”

I link my hand through Frank’s and we continue the trek to the pub. It was opening day for the musical I was apart of and it was the first major production. Everytime I caught my face on a tube poster, advertising the show, I couldn’t help the giddy rush of warmth that filled me. It was always my dream to be on stage and I finally had it.

“So this girl you’re seeing,” Frank addresses Harry who is walking a few steps ahead on his phone. “You serious about her?”

“Think so,” Harry says. My heart flutters at the thought of him finally settling down, not because I was jealous but the last time he got serious with a girl was a year ago. Even though by then Frank and I had been going steady for 4 years she hadn’t liked our relationship and ended it with him when he wouldn’t cut me off. I didn’t want that to happen to him again.

“Good for you,” Frank says. We share a glance, having had many concerned conversations about Harry’s love life. Even though we were only in our mid-20s, Harry never quite got serious about a girl. We just wanted to see him happy.

Harry’s girlfriend meets us at the pub, she couldn’t come to the show because she had a shift which she tells me when we meet her. Harry had already told me this but I think it’s endearing how much she cares, she tells me she’ll go to the next one Harry shows up for.

“I like her,” I tell Harry later.

“That’s because she’s flattering you,” Harry says as he gets the both of them drinks. “You’re so easy to win over.”

“You’re just jealous we’re getting along,” I tease but he rolls his eyes at me and goes back to the table. I get drinks for Frank and I since he was deep in conversation with someone he knew.

“How long have you two been going out for?” I ask the couple. “Harry only mentioned you a couple weeks ago.”

“Really?” Natalie looks up at Harry.

“Not like that,” Harry flicks my shoulder. “I just didn’t want them sticking their nose in my business. Her and Frank love to interrogate me about my love life.”

“Only cuz we care,” I shrug.

“We started dating April so…almost 2 months?” Nat answers. My jaw drops.

“2 months Harry? And you never said anything?!”

“It’s my life!”

“I tell you everything!”

“I never ask,” Harry shakes his head and turns to Nat. “She’s an oversharer.”

She laughs, “Speaking of sharing remind me how you all met? Harry only said you all met in uni.”

“Harry sucks at stories,” I lean in closer to her so I don’t have to shout so loud. I tell her how Harry and I had met at a school-sponsored concert. We recognized each other from a few classes. We started hanging out a lot to study and party. How he had introduced me to Frank a couple weeks after we met and we hit it off. It took us another semester of circling each other and Harry playing the third wheel for us to finally get together. Frank and I have been together since and Harry has been our best mate since too.

“That’s so sweet,” she squeezes his arm. “You’ll be their best mate at their wedding, godfather to their child, third-wheel for life?”

“Harry looks a bit pale at that,” I joke but he did look paler. “Don’t worry, Frank will still come over to play video games.”

Nat and I laugh and Harry joins but it sounds forced. He was such a weirdo.

“We always say three’s company when it comes to us, right Harry?” I reference the slogan we came up for ourselves. “We won’t forget about Harry when we tie the knot!”

Frank joins us, interrupting anything Harry would’ve said. We all get to knowing each other. I really like Natalie, and Frank tells me later at home that he got a good feeling about her too. It’s unfortunate when a month or so later Harry tells us they broke up.

What comes as the biggest shock is a couple months after that, on an oddly sunny day in October Frank tells me he wanted to break up. Right before my last few weeks. He doesn’t even wait for my run to be over. And just like that, 5.5 years vanish in front of my eyes.

The cherry on top is when Harry stops talking to me as much, starts making excuses for why he can’t hang out. Even though we were mates before Frank and I got together, he seems to have chosen sides. Those weeks feel like my own personal horror movie. I’m a zombie in my day-to-day and when I go on stage I use up every ounce of energy and emotion I have to make my last performances count. But it tears a hole right through me.

The week after Frank and I breakup I bump into Harry near his work. Well, I actually purposely made an appointment close to where he worked in hopes of seeing him.

“H!” I call out when I spot his side profile on the same sidewalk as me. “Harry!”

He does a double take and then halts, people around him grumbling as they walk around. I pull him to the side and give him a big hug. I try not to let it hurt when his arms are slow to go around me.

“I haven’t seen you in weeks, how’ve you been?” I put on a brave voice even though all I want to do is cry.

“Ehm,” he looks uncomfortable but he smiles down at me. “I’m good, I’ve been slammed at work sorry Y/N I’ve been meaning to see you.”

“Yeah,” I wait for him to give me more. The silence stretches out until he fills it.

“I’m really sorry about Frank and you I…I didn’t even know he was going to do that.”

“That makes two of us,” I try to joke but it’s too fresh and my voice cracks. Harry looks away.

“How’s your show going?”

“I’m on two more weeks and then I’m back to auditioning for majority of my days.”

“No callbacks from the other places?”

“Not yet.”

We stand in awkward silence and I want to scream. We were so easy, why was Harry being so weird? It’s not like Frank was the glue that held us together. And now the irritation begins to creep in as Harry continues being standoffish.

“What’s been going on with you?” I try.

“Not much, still trying the dating scene.” He sighs. “And working. My sister’s throwing this Halloween thing even though we’re all adults. I think she’s trying to set me up with one of her mates.”

“Just dress up like a sexy lamp, no one will want to come near you.”

“A sexy lamp?” Harry laughs and finally, finally looks at me.

“Beauty and the Beast? I saw it online when I was looking at costumes. I felt like I was in some twisted alternate universe where people are trying to be a sexy lamp.”

“Have you seen a Christmas Story?” Harry asks and I laugh so hard at that, it feels so good.

“Oh my god,” I wipe away my tears. “I haven’t laughed like that in ages.”

Harry’s cheeks are pink from the cold and the way he looks at me with pity and sadness drops coal into my stockings. How could he look at me like that? He was my best mate, I wasn’t some sorry damsel with a broken fucking heart.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been as available,” he finally says to me.

“Yeah,” I shrug. What else was I supposed to say? Well what I really wanted to do was get angry like everything was normal, but it didn’t feel like the right time.

We stand like that in silence until he tucks a strand of my hair behind my ears and it must be from being so touch, and friend, starved the last couple weeks that I sigh when he does it. He shoves his hand in his pocket and clears his throat.

“I should get going before the tube is sardines.”

“Right,” I say with a hard edge. Harry could tell I was getting upset but I didn’t care.

“I like the new hair by the way,” Harry says as he side steps me and becomes one with the crowd.

And even though he was sorry, he doesn’t message me to hang out or to ask how I’m doing. He abandons me too, only responding when I message him. I wasn’t giving up on him though even though it hurt to know he had given up on me. I couldn’t lose my best friend just because I’d lost my boyfriend.

***

“Hey Harry, I know you’ve been busy lately but my last show is this Thursday. In case you wanted to come see it. It’s gotten a lot smoother since that first one you went to hahahah…anyway. I left your name at the door if you can make it. I hope you can.”

I leave the voicemail on Monday and hope Harry can do it. I’ve had family come down to the city to see me, and friends show up here and there. But the people I thought would show up for my first and last performance are suddenly just gone from my life. If I could go back in time to the first show I’d tell myself to hold on tight because everyone would leave me.

Between practice and evening shows I don’t hear back from Harry. No text, voicemail, or message anywhere. My last night I get into character with a heart made of lead and tissue permanently pressed to my waterline so my mascara doesn’t run. I’d save my tears for the show itself.

As I secure my wig to my head a knock come from my dressing room door.

“It’s open,” I call, expecting the stage manager or my agent or a cast member. Harry walks in instead.

“Harry! You’re here!” I’m not even thinking as I rush to him and throw my arms around him. He’s slow to wrap his around me again and that’s when reality crashes back down. “I’m so glad you could make it.”

“Yeah I wouldn’t miss it,” Harry sits down on a nearby chair. “I know I was supposed to come to a lot more but…”

“You’re here now,” I beam, willing to put the past aside for now. “None of my family could make it tonight, it was going to be sort of depressing for me.”

“Drinks are on me,” Harry says. “I can’t believe my best mate’s done a whole season on broadway.”

“Right!?” I’m more excited of being called his best mate than doing the whole season. As I sit back down to do my wig I keep an eye on H through the mirror.

“So,” I start out tentatively. “Hear from Frank lately?”

“Hm,” he looks up from his phone. “I’m not going to be the messenger between you two.”

“What?! Of course not, jeez H I was only asking if he’s doing okay. I’m not like, thinking he’s somehow going to un-breakup with me.”

“I saw him last weekend. He’s alright, his new flat’s not too far from me actually.”

“That’s good,” I say. So he really did take Harry with him in the split. I can’t help but push more, I turn in my seat to face him.

“I know we haven’t spoken ever since shite hit the fan between Frank and me. But we’re still okay, right? We were always friends before you introduced me to Frank and I hope you don’t feel like you have to take sides.”

“What? No, nothing like that,” he looks cornered. He tugs his sleeve over his hand, not making eye contact.

“Okay...” I couldn’t interpret his body language. “Okay, it seems like you’re annoyed or something? Like, you want to leave this conversation. Did I say something?”

“No,” he shakes his head, his hair moving with the aggressive shake.

“So what is it?” I can hear the annoyance creeping into my own voice. “Did Frank say something about me? Why do you seem so cagey? What’s going on Harry?”

“I’m not-I’m not cagey,” he scoffs, straightening to his full height. “I just don’t feel like talking.”

“So Frank said something-”

“No! I just don’t care to have this conversation.”

“Oh,” my eyes sting. “So that’s it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Frank and I break up and so do we? You don’t want to talk anymore?”

“I didn’t mean it like that-”

“Well it sounded a lot like that,” I hold up my hand. “Don’t try to backtrack. I thought we were best friends Harry, nothing was supposed to change between us just because Frank and I are on bad terms-”

“But that’s the thing!” Harry shouts. “That’s the thing--everything’s changed! Everything, Y/N...look, I don’t want to talk about this!”

“I do!” I push back, interested in what he meant. “What changed? I don’t understand, and I want to talk about it! I can’t lose my boyfriend and my best friend in the same week! Nothing should change between us, Frank has nothing to do with us!”

Harry looks puzzled as his eyes fix on my face. I raise an eyebrow when he doesn’t speak. “What?”

“You’ve never...” he drags his hand down his face. “Y/N, I don’t want to talk about this. For our friendship’s sake, I can’t talk about this.”

“For our friendship’s sake?!” I exclaim. “I need to talk about this! You’re my best friend! Or so I thought.”

“No!” Harry finally snaps. “I don’t want to talk about this! You think Frank and you breaking up shouldn’t change our dynamic, change us, but of course it fucking does. And I don’t want to talk about it.”

I catch his arm as he tries to walk away, nearly being dragged with him as he rushes away. “Explain, Harry please explain. I don’t get it!”

“Fuck Y/N,” Harry talks with his back to me. I drop his arm. “Frank was the only thing that helped keep you in the friendzone. When you’re not his girlfriend...I don’t know what we are.”

I don’t know what to say, Ifeel like the wind’s been knocked out of me. “So all these years...you were just hanging around me because you wanted to be something more? Was our whole friendship a lie?”

“Of course not, what?” Harry finally turns. “You’re my best friend, you always have been. But by the time I decided to do something about my crush, you confessed to me that you really liked my best friend. And I could tell Frank was really happy around you. I loved both of you, I couldn’t get in between that.”

“So what, you’ve just been...secretly resenting us every time we all hung out? Punishing yourself everytime you third-wheel us?”

“No, no no this isn’t how...that’s not how it’s been.”

“What the fuck Harry?” I cry. “You’ve been secretly pining after your best friend’s girlfriend for years?”

“I know it’s fucked up!” Harry shouts. “I know I’m fucked up for wanting my best friend’s girlfriend I know! You don’t have to spell out how fucked up it is!”

“What the fuck,” I whisper.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Harry’s face crumples. “Please, Y/N that’s just what I was trying to say. When you were with Frank, I could hang out with you—with the both of you and not care because you two made each other so happy how could I come in between the happiness of the two people I loved the most in the world?

But now that you two have broken up, there’s no red light there. There’s nothing to stop me from kissing you. I mean, consent obviously…” He corrects himself, sighing. “I know, I know. That’s why I didn’t want to say anything. But you always know how to pull anything out of me.”

“I wish you were better equipped against me,” I slide down the wall. “This is so fucked up, I wish I could un-know that.”

“Is it so bad?” Harry’s gaze burns a hole through me. “Do you hate me?”

“No, I couldn’t...” how could I hate him when my intention the first night we ever met was to hook up with him. Things only changed when I met his best friend. “I don’t hate you, I just don’t know where we go from here.”

“I just need some space,” Harry says. “I think you probably need some too, now that that confession’s out of the box.”

“Shit,” I bury my face in my hands.

“I promise, we can go back to being best friends.” Harry continues. “I just need to figure out, where to put you. In my head...in my heart.”

I don’t say anything, I could barely look at him. To think he had this in him for as long as I’ve known him. It feels a bit like maybe I never knew him.

“I’ll be in the audience…break a leg Y/N.”

I hear the door close behind him but I can’t get up. I stay curled on the floor until a knock reminds me there’s 5 minutes ‘til positions. Shit.

I finish my hair and do some breathing exercises. I had to compartmentalize and use the emotions in the show just like my coach taught me.

“You’re okay,” I tell myself in the mirror. “You’re going to kill it. You’re okay. You can deal with everything later. Just do your best now.”

With one final breath I exit my room and get out there, putting on my best performance. And I guess the crazy heightened emotions help because the final reviews rave about my intensity. And while I curl up in bed that night sobbing myself to sleep, my inbox finally fills with open offers and auditions. This heartbreaking period opened a door to something new.

Two months later:

As a child, I always wanted to be in New York City during Christmas. Every movie made it look magical and wistful.

It was magical, in the right spots. And I couldn’t deny the magnetic pulse that surrounded the place. But it was also cold, incredibly cold, lonely, and dirty.

“Hey,” my roomate calls out when I enter our flat. Or apartment. “You got some mail I slipped it under your door.”

“Thanks,” I unwrap my massive scarf and heavy coat. “It’s so bloody cold out there.”

“It’s just starting,” she glances away from the TV to our window. Small flakes were starting to fall, it felt like looking at a snow globe.

She goes back to watching TV and I head to my room. It was smaller than the one I had back home but I’d decorated with fuzzy rugs and cozy comforters and furry blankets. And now I looked forward to it every day.

During the day I was practicing for my second ever show. After my intense performance on my last day, I was invited to audition for &Juliet which was moving to NYC. If they liked me, my flight would be paid for and I would join them in the Big Apple. Luckily, they liked me enough to offer one of the roles a couple weeks later. It wasn’t too major, but big enough that I had scenes throughout the musical. After what had happened the past months I thought fuck it and went.

It might seem like I was running away from my life but I saw it as a clean start. Big breakup, end of my show’s season, and a truth that shattered my core. I couldn’t stay in London.

I hadn’t told him. Harry. After everything I didn’t think I had to. He wanted space, I needed the same thing.

But it was lonely living in a new city with no connection to back home. Sure I talked to family and friends regularly, I hung out with my roomate and went out for drinks with my cast mates. But the people—the person who knew me better than I knew myself, well he was gone.

Frank had messaged me a few weeks ago when I posted on my story about New York. I didn’t have that big of a following but anyone who liked me in my last roles tended to stay on and follow my journey. So I used social media as an online journal.

It had been surprisingly courteous. He’d congratulated me, and said if he was ever in the city he would book tickets to see me. It was kind. And I don’t know if the shock of Harry’s truth was bigger than the breakup, or if enough time passed for me not to feel as hurt about it, but I liked talking to Frank just as a friend.

That’s what he asked me when we broke up—if we could still be friends. I thought it was so selfish and dickish to ask but now, I warmed up to the idea.

The opening show was booked for the beginning of January so I couldn’t go home for Christmas. I knew it was going to be lonely but a few of my castmates invited me to their Christmas eve dinner. It seemed like a lot of New York was made up of found family. I was still finding mine.

***

“Two weeks until our first show,” Nolan drops his head down on the table.

“You’ll get it,” Christa pats him on the back. “He’s just hard on you because he wants you to be your best.”

“That one fucking line!” Nolan kept missing his cue on his final line and it had been haunting him.

“What could help?” Ravi joins us with the coffees he promised. It was a 8am rehearsal today and we were all beat from last night’s rehearsal.

“I’m close to you,” I offer. “I could cue you somehow if it helps?”

“Yeah?” Nolan look up. “Maybe, let’s try that. Something subtle.”

“Yeah!” Christa lights up.

“Okay,” I feel good inside, having made a good contribution. Sometimes I felt like an outsider coming into this production so late, it felt like everyone was already familir with everyone else. And I had the least experience out of everyone. It was hard not to feel like an imposter.

“You’re a natural,” Ravi hands me a coffee. “Don’t worry too much Y/N. I see the gears turning in your head.”

“Yeah everyone already loves you.” Christa pipes in. “You gotta relax.”

“I try!” I roll back my shoulders. The role meant a lot to me. “I just want to do my best.”

“You are,” she lays a hand on my shoulder. “You know you’ll get told off if you weren’t.”

“So Y/N is joining us for Christmas?” Ravi asks.

“I think so?” Christa raises an eyebrow at me.

“Yeah,” I nod. “I’m not going home this year.”

“Feel free to invite a plus-one,” Christa says.

“Oh,” I plat with the lid of my cup. “Probably won’t.”

“No boyfriends?” Nolan asks. “Girlfriends?”

“Nolan,” Christa scolds. He shrugs.

“No I,” this was awkward. “I had a breakup before I finished my last show. I haven’t really been eager to jump into a new one.” Especially when Harry’s confession always lingers in the back of my mind. Damn him.

“You ran away.” Nolan states like it’s fact.

“No!” I argue. “It was like over a month later. Plus we started reconnecting again-“

“Nope. Don’t go there,” Christa warns. “Never walk back into the past.”

“My fiancé and I broke up once and we’re getting married next summer,” Ravi jumps in.

“Don’t listen to him,” Christa waves her hand in his face. “He’s an anomaly.”

“Who are you calling anomaly?” Ravi asks. We laugh as the insults go flying between them and a small part of me is relieved to not be on the outside looking in like I did when I first arrived.

“I’m not getting back together with him, plus there’s so much distance.” I reassure the group.

Plus Frank literally said he didn’t feel the same way about me anymore. After 5 years together, he’d fallen out of love somewhere along the way. It was hurtful, and I don’t think he would go back on his word. I don’t think I’d want to take him back anymore.

It hits me then, both of the boys I loved so dearly were lying along the way. One said he loved me even though deep inside he was falling out of love. The other loved me more than a friend, but only called me his best friend.

“You alright?” Nolan asks. The group had left me while I sat in thought, everyone was getting into places.

“Yeah,” I reach for his hand and he helps me up. “Just thinking.”

We get into place and with direction, begin rehearsal for the day. I get lost in it, one of my favourite things to do.

***

“Flowers!” One of the PAs drops a bouquet onto my table as I finish setting my makeup in place. All the moving and the harsh stage lighting made it sweaty, and I couldn’t risk my makeup running.

“I don’t think…” I stop as I notice it was my name on the card. Who would send me flowers on opening? My family already wished me luck on facetime and the few friends in the city were here for the show. I turn the card around.

I already know it’s going to be fantastic but break a leg anyway xx

I read it again. It sounded like Frank, he thought everything was fantastic. Maybe he remembered opening night.

I smell the flowers, another cast mate who shared my room strikes up a conversation about them and I finish my hair to it. We go out together and I feel my heart in my throat. The last time I had all my support in the second row. This time, they were an ocean away and my heart ached thinking about them.

Channel your emotions. Channel your emotions.

I repeat the mantra, and when it’s my cue I break out on stage and wait a beat. Then start my line.

I don’t have a moment to actually look at the audience until my second-last scene. That’s when I notice them. Frank. And Harry.

“Count…me in!” I stumble on a line. Shit. Shitshitshit.

I look back at Christa and continue our lines but her eyebrow dips for a moment and I know she caught it too. I just hoped our director wouldn’t point it out.

Harry and Frank were here. Harry and Frank were here? Don’t think about it. Can’t think about it.

“A strong woman,” I respond to Nolan. I nudge him like we’d practiced and his final line comes tumbling out. I send out a prayer that it was smooth.

I go off stage for a few until my next scene and catch my breath.

“What happened?” Nolan asks. “I thought I heard you almost forget a line.”

“I saw someone in the audience, wasn’t expecting…” i trail off as I hear my cue. “Talk later!”

I rush back on and finish up. It’s exhilerating and just like that I can’t believe our first show is done!

We stay on for the final bits, the final bow, and then I’m rushing to my room for my phone. Did Frank message me? Did I miss something?

But it’s empty.

The other girls in the room trickle in and we all congratulate each other. They go over some of their lines and areas they almost messed up in. I’m too distracted by everything to join fully.

I try to engage but I’m mostly wiping away my stage makeup so I can head out. I don’t know if I wanted to avoid who I just saw or find them.

If you avoid them, then you really are running away.

Ugh. I would have to find them some way. I leave Frank a message and go back to the conversation.

Eventually, with dread weighing me down, I agree to meet the boys where Frank texted me. They were staying at a hotel a few blocks away and there was a bar in the lobby they said was nice.

Frank stands as soon as he sees me, Harry’s back is to me so he’s slow to stand.

“Y/N you were bloody fantastic!” Frank wraps me in his arms and it’s been so long that I squeeze him extra hard. I missed him, or maybe I just missed being held.

“Thank you!” I say into his shoulder. I let go and look between the two. “What are you two doing here? You didn’t just come for me right? Because that’s insane. I…”

“Well kind of,” Frank admits.

“That’s…too much!” I imagine the cost of everything and cringe that they paid that much to see me.

“Well Harry started dating a pilot,” Frank says proudly. Harry doesn’t meet my eye. “So we practically flew for pennies!”

“Oh wow!” I lean into Frank’s arm around my back. It was probably bad, but it felt good here. Except for the massive awkward block that was Harry. “I don’t know what to say I really didn’t expect-“

“I know.” Frank laughs. I missed that laugh. “We caught you by surprise, I saw it on your face right Harry?”

“Yeah,” Harry forces a laugh. “We felt bad. Didn’t mean to catch you off guard.”

“It’s not the first time,” I tell him and he catches my double meaning because he stares at me. I raise my eyebrows and he looks away, back at Frank.

“Can I have a moment?” I turn to Frank. “With Harry?”

“Oh,” his face falls. “Of course.”

We stand awkwardly as Frank doesn’t leave. He looks to the side like he usually does when he’s trying to say something. “Look Y/N, I know after our breakup our group just fell apart. But don’t blame Harry. He was caught in the middle, he told me you were mad at him. Be mad at me instead-“

“Thanks. Frank.” Harry cuts his best friend off. “Don’t worry mate, we just need to talk.”

I keep my eyes trained on Harry as Frank moves away. I take his seat at the bar and wait for Harry to take his.

“Why are you here?” I ask.

“Why did you disappear?” He asks back.

“You wanted space. Wasn’t that good for us?”

“I meant time, like time away. Not move to bloody America.”

“Well I had an opportunity and I took it!”

“Yeah well,” Harry takes a swig of his drink. “I’m glad you did. You were phenomenal out there. I’m proud of you.”

My heart softens a bit when he says it, so does his face. I can’t take my eyes off him, he made me so mad but I missed him so much. This was the longest we’d been away from each other with no contact.

“I missed you,” he finally says just as I go in on him.

“How did you come here? With Frank? After what you told me?” I missed him too, but I wanted answers. How could someone be in love with their best friend’s girlfriend, and fool both parties by being so casual around them all the time. How could he look at Frank in the face???

“So I guess you didn’t miss me,” Harry tries teasing.

“Obviously I did. Not the point though.” I scowl when Harry smiles. But the smile relaxes his face and my heart skips a beat.

“He doesn’t know. Doesn’t need to know. Just like you didn’t need to until you forced it out of me. I didn’t do anything wrong Y/N. You can’t treat me like I did something awful, I just had feelings for you.”

Had.

“Okay,” I take Harry’s drink from his side since I hadn’t ordered mine yet and down it in one gulp. “You’re alright?”

“Yeah,” Harry takes the empty glass from me. “The space was good.”

“Okay,” I feel slightly offended, but I decide to ignore it. I find Frank by the window and wave him over. He comes back with a grin that I can’t help but mirror.

“So how’s the new job?” I ask him once we all find seats. We’d been talking back and forth online, I knew all about his life without me. He knew all about mine.

“Really good,” Frank lights up. “I finally get my own office! It’s small but nice! I’m getting a good feeling from my team too, it’s good.”

“Good feeling from the team?” Harry smirks at Frank and Frank blushes.

“What?” I look between then. “What does that mean?”

“Nothing,” Frank says quickly. “Harry thinks the team has a lot of good looking people. He’s trying to start a fire.”

“Ah,” I look at Harry but he’s staring at his drink. He was trying to start a fire, but it didn’t bother me. Although Frank and I never shared romantic updates, as time went on, the thought of him moving on felt less and less awful. Even though it was a bit bitter to think about, it was over.

“What’s with the pilot girlfriend? Where’d you find her?” I ask.

“Work conference, she was at the bar.” Harry tells me. “She flies a lot, but she’s funny. I like her.”

“Good,” I try to stay neutral even though a confusing wave of emotions washes up. “Good to know you’re still keeping that string of girlfriends.”

“Speaking of,” Harry ignores me and pulls his phone out of his jacket. “She’s free now. We have plans. It was good seeing you Y/N. We’ll catch dinner later?”

“Oh,” I wasn’t expecting him to leave so soon. “Yeah sure-“

“Yeah we’re here until Thursday.” Frank tells me. “If not tomorrow whenever you’re free.”

“Yeah!” I wasn’t expecting to be alone with Frank tonight.

“If it’s just the two of us,” Frank reaches over to my chair and pulls it closer. “Come in so I can hear you better.”

“Okay!” I felt confused, and lonely. And that was dangerous. I just couldn’t get drunk otherwise I might make bad decisions.

I stop Frank after another drink and tell him I should get home so I wasn’t hungover for tomorrow’s show.

But I’m so tired I fall asleep as soon as I get in bed. I want to sort out what just happened tonight but I save it for the daytime.

***

“You weren’t there for first show drinks!” My castmate calls out the next day. I was in to go over some lines and changes, and apparently mostly everyone had gone out for drinks to celebrate last night. I was too busy catching up my past.

“Had some guests in town,” I mumble.

“Guests?” Nolan asks curiously.

“Some friends came in to see the show,” I try to act casual.

“Just some friends? Flew halfway across the world? They’re just friends?”

“Need me some of those friends.”

“Well,” I had a bunch of nosy castmates. “One’s my ex. The other one is my best friend. Alright?”

“Alright now it gets juicy,” Christa comes up beside me. “I thought this ex was in the past-“

“Please don’t judge me,” I squirm. “Just…we were all catching up that’s all! Now. I’m going to go get ready.”

“Touchy,” I hear someone say as I head to my shared dressing room.

I didn’t want to discuss it with anyone because I didn’t know what to say. My ex came to town and it was dangerously good seeing him. My estranged best friend was also here, oh yeah he’s been in love with me the whole time, and then skipped out early for his girlfriend. Then why show up at all? Ugh. It was making me very confused and I had to focus.

It’s quick touch-ups and placement changes and then I’m on stage for our second show. It’s smoother and there are more people tonight. I loved the exhilarating feeling of being on stage. It was incomparable.

I politely decline Frank’s request for meeting up tonight with him and Harry, so he doesn’t have to play the third wheel. I needed some alone time and doing the shows was tiring.

I take a much needed shower at home and continue thinking about the show, the boys, and why I couldn’t stop obsessing over them!

After Sunday’s show, I agree to dinner with Harry and Frank. Apparently they’d been exploring the city, and Harry had gotten a new tattoo. He proudly displays it at dinner.

“Looks sore,” I appreciate the line design. Frank’s using the toilet and we peruse the menu while we wait.

“A bit but I’m taking care of it,” Harry flips over his menu.

“Your girlfriend isn’t joining?”

“I’m meeting up with her later,” Harry glances at me. “Why? D’you want to meet her or something?”

“N-no?” What the hell. “She probably won’t last long anyway, what’s the point.”

“Really, again Y/N?” Harry puts his menu down.

“What!? You never keep a girlfriend for very long. I meet one, then I’m meeting another.”

“Piss off,” his face turns pink and I’m surprised how easily this is getting under his skin. I always used to tease him about how quickly he turned over girlfriends. “The girlfriend jokes stopped being funny. And at least I’ve got a girlfriend.”

“What the hell?” Now it’s my turn to be offended. “I had a boyfriend. Long-term. As you would know. I think the way you put it…it helped you keep me friendzoned?”

“Why are you being such a bitch?” Harry stands just as Frank approaches our table.

“Hey hey what’s going on here?” His outstretched arm grasps Harry’s shoulder.

“Y/N’s being a bitch,” Harry says as I say “Harry’s a dick.”

“Woah,” Frank tries to get Harry back into his seat. “What happened to you two? You guys never actually fight c’mon Harry-“

“Just let him go,” I say as Harry whips his coat off the back of his chair.

“No! Harry man come on,” Frank steps in his way. “I don’t know why you two are so sensitive these days. What are you guys really fighting about?”

Harry and I make eye contact. He looks away first and just pushes Frank out of his way.

“What the hell?” Frank turns to me. “Y/N, he flew across the pond to see you why are you treating him like shite?”

That gets me, the guilt kicks in. “I don’t-he’s just so-ugh!” I quickly follow Harry’s steps and find him on his phone outside the restaurant.

“What do you want?” Harry asks when he spots me.

“I’m sorry,” I decide to be the bigger person. Harry came all this way, I don’t know why I was acting like this. “Come back to dinner.”

“I already texted my girlfriend—the one I’ll break up with soon anyway. Yeah, we have plans so I’m alright.“

“Harry,” I deserved that. “Really I’m sorry. I just…I don’t know how to be around you right now. We never talked after that confession you dropped on me and-“

“Well who’s fault is that?” Harry bites. And I know I’d struck a nerve. The Nerve. “You force me to tell you something and then you just abandon me afterwards-“

“Only after you abandoned me!” The gloves were off. “After Frank and I broke up I was so alone, you didn’t even text me!”

“I already told you, I was trying to reconcile everything myself!”

“You’re acting like being around me when I was single was a test of your self-control. Like you would just burn to touch me or something what the fuck? If it was so easy for you to be around us when Frank and I were dating, it should’ve been just as easy to support me as a friend. Isn’t that what it comes down to at the end of the day? We’re friends…and you just left me.”

I choke up and turn to face the road so Harry can’t see. The roads are wet with slush and backed up with cars that were permanently home between the yellow lines in this city.

“I’m sorry,” Harry says behind me. “I was a bad friend.”

“You were,” I tell him. I turn back around. “I just…I thought I knew you inside and out. I thought we could read each other’s minds with how well we knew each other. And turns out you were hiding such a big secret. Something like this, i-it’s confusing. I feel like I don’t know you.”

“You really never knew?” Suspicion creeps into his voice. “Never? It was complete news to you?”

“Yes!” I say truthfully. “You’re Frank’s best friend! You set us up. Life isn’t actually like Love, Actually.”

“Well it was for me Y/N I—fuck,” Harry leans back against the brick wall. “I didn’t want to tell you! I just needed some time and then I could go back to being your Harry. You just kept fucking pushing-“

“I wasn’t holding a gun to your head,” I argue. “You could’ve lied. You could’ve come up with any excuse-“

“You’d catch me in any lie I told.”

“Never caught you in the lie you’d been telling us for five years.”

We have a stare off as my words echo between us.

“I never lied.” Harry finally says. His phone chirps and he checks it, I watch as he types out a response.

“Lie of omission. Same thing.”

“You were never supposed to know. I was supposed to get over it.”

“And did you?” I ask before I can think. I don’t know if I even wanted an answer.

“Yeah,” Harry crossed his arms. “I told you I needed time. I missed you yeah, but luckily you left the whole fucking continent. I’m over it now.”

I don’t know what to say. After all that, he’d gotten over it. It felt a bit embarrassing, like I’d made a bigger deal than I needed too. But deep down my loneliness grew. Nobody wanted me. Not even Harry.

“Not like I had a chance anyway yeah?” Harry looks at me so intensely I have to look away. “It was always Frank for you.”

“Well you were never in the picture,” I say. I never knew he felt that way. He doesn’t say anything. “What?!”

“What’s that mean? I was never in the picture?”

“I dunno! I never saw you like that because I never knew you liked me.”

“Wait wait,” Harry leans in. “So you’re saying if I’d told you in the 5+ years you and Frank were dating. You might’ve dumped him to date me? You might have had feelings for your boyfriend’s best friend?”

“No! I…” I don’t know what I was saying. Would I have? I thought he was hot the first night we met. I’d seen him in class, he was smart and attractive. But Frank was my type when I met him so Harry was friendzoned immediately after.

“Now that’s fucked up,” Harry has the balls to be judgemental.

“Don’t judge me! I don’t know what I would do. And I’m only thinking about this after Frank and I have long been broken up. I never thought about you while we were together. Can’t say the same about you!”

Harry’s phone lights up again and he scans the text.

“Whatever Y/N. My girlfriend’s down the road, I’m meeting up with her. Since you don’t care to meet her, I’ll save you the trouble.”

He walks away from me without looking back. I stare after him, watch as he embraces someone and then he’s lost in the crowd. I feel a sob come up but I take a gulp of cold air instead and tamp it down. Harry wasn’t going to have this power over me. Fuck him.

“He’s gone?” Frank asks when I make my way back to him. He’d ordered us wine and I knock back the glass before I answer.

“Yeah, whatever. I apologized, he’s just…a dick.”

“He’s always got a soft spot for you. I’m just surprised. I’m sorry if this was my doing.” Frank looks puzzled. He was so innocent, he didn’t even know the truth. The trust he had was borderline pitiful.

And now I was being rude.

“It’s alright,” I pat his hand. “It’s just you and me again tonight. We’re good company.”

“Yeah,” Frank holds my hand. “But three’s company remember?”

“No so much these days…”

“Yeah,” Frank nods. “But no matter, I do love your company.”

I ignore the L-word and pour myself more wine. We order from the menu but I don’t have much of an appetite. I nibble at my food and take the rest to-go. We wind up at a bar and order more drinks while we continue talking.

Somehow we wind up back to the topic of Harry. And our friend group before we broke up.

“He’s still a serial dater,” Frank says with a candidness that revealed how drunk he was getting. “I don’t know why he’s looking for the perfect girl. I keep telling him the perfect girl is what you make her. But he’s got this bloody idea in his head and no girl lives up to her.”

“Did he tell you that?” I move in closer to hear Frank better, curious if he ever hinted at me.

“Not really,” Frank swishes the Guinness in his glass. “He met someone in uni apparently. But it didn’t work out. I told him he should contact her y’know? But he said she’s moved on, in a relationship. So i said get a fucking move on too right?”

“Mmm,” so he had told a white lie to his best friend.

“Y’know,” Frank lays a hand on my arm. “Y/N, we had something really good. Sometimes I second guess. I feel like I’m an idiot for letting a woman like you go. I still love you. I do. But it’s not that love from before. That wow love.”

It was shitty to hear but I knew what he meant. Our love had gotten comfortable. Like we’d been married 40+ years. When I had enough time to see clearly I’d realized too that wasn’t the kind of love I wanted. I just hadn’t been self-aware enough to see it.

“Yeah,” I say. Frank leans in closer to hear me. “I know what you mean.”

“Maybe if we’re still single in 30 years and we still have that love for each other. We can just get married.”

“Settle?” I ask.

“We’d be fifty!” Frank says. “It’s a good age to settle.”

I laugh. “Fine, deal.”

We link pinkies and maybe it’s the liquor (definitely the liquor) or feeling lonely for months (also the feeling lonely for months) but we lean in the rest of the way. Frank’s lips on mine are familiar, and I ache for more. I pull him deeper into the kiss and he pulls me in until I’m practically in his lap. I feel delirious, touch-starved for too long. All I want was for every inch of clothing to be on the floor.

“Let’s go back to yours,” I say when we take a moment to catch our breaths.

“Really?” Frank asks. “You sure?”

“Just two exes right? Nothing more?”

“Yeah,” Frank goes in for another kiss. “I’d like that.”

He grabs my hand and we stumble out, putting our jackets on against the icy cold as we stumble towards his hotel. If I was more sober maybe I would remember Christa’s warning of not to go backwards but I missed the feeling of being wanted. I missed Frank. And we agreed no strings. What was there to lose?

***

A loud noise wakes me out of my sleep. My eyes are crusted with sleep and I have a raging headache. Where the fuck was I?

I peel my eyes open to blinding light and immediately close them, turning my face into the pillow. The top of my head touches something, a body. The night rushes back just as a voice asks, “what the fuck is this?”

There’s a flurry of movement beside me and I peek open my eye. Harry stands by the TV with barely-concealed rage in his face. Fuck shit!

“Harry!” Frank’s groggy voice calls his best friend’s name with joy. “Good to see you’re back-“

“Is that Y/N? What happened last night? Why is she here?”

I sit up slowly with the comforter wrapped tightly around my torso.

“Uhhh,” Frank looks over at me. He doesn’t look guilty or regretful, somehow he just looks casual. And I sort of love him more for it. “Some fun?!”

Maybe it was casual fun for him, I realize. Meanwhile a bad mix of guilt and disgust churn away inside me. Not because of Frank, but because I’d used him whilst feeling lonely.

Harry looks in my direction and I would be dead on the spot if looks could kill. Who the fuck was he to judge?

“We’re consenting adults Harry,” my voice was rough. “It’s not your concern.”

“Yeah mate,” Frank reaches around for his underpants and dresses himself enough to stand up. “We can talk later about last night, you and me. But Y/N and I were just…finding comfort in the familiar. Right?”

“Yeah,” I answer Frank. “Just some casual fun.”

“Yeah,” Frank rummages in a drawer. “I’m hopping in the shower. Maybe we can all grab breakfast-“

“I should go,” I didn’t have a show tonight but I couldn’t stay here any longer.

“Alright,” Frank shrugs. “We’ll do something later.”

When he shuts the door behind him, the silence in the room becomes suffocating. Harry stands, pinching the bridge of his nose and I try to locate with my eyes where exactly my undergarments are. Ah, of course right by Harry’s feet.

“Um,” I clear my throat as I stand with the comforter wrapped around me. I point to the items. “D’you mind?”

Harry steps back in disgust and I reach for them. When he doesn’t turn around I raise my eyebrow and do a spinning motion with my hand. He rolls his eyes and turns.

“I can’t fucking believe you,” he finally speaks—no, spits out as I slip into my clothes. “How the fuck are you fooling around with Frank? Don’t play with him Y/N!”

“Play with him?” I zip my jeans on and return the comforter to the bed. “Play with him? Frank’s a grown man. We have history. I can bloody well sleep with him if I want!”

“Not like this!” Harry turns, eyes blazing. “Not after what you said yesterday to me!”

“What I said? After you asked a hypothetical? A hypothetical in retrospect? When you have been pining after his girlfriend for five years? Five years! And you have the gall to judge me!”

“I can’t help how I felt!” Harry steps closer. “Stop fucking holding that over me like I’m disgusting to have felt that! I stayed in my lane, you didn’t even know—that’s how much I stayed in my lane.”

He had a point. It was wrong, but on a technicality he didn’t do anything wrong. He takes my silence as a chance to continue chewing me out.

“You hint that you could’ve felt something for me last night and then you come and sleep with him? After everything? What are you doing Y/N? This isn’t you.”

“I’m doing whatever I want! You can’t control whatever I want to do based on whatever fucked up morals you’re using on your high horse!”

“My high horse!” Harry brushes my hand off when I touch his shoulder to keep distance. He was getting too close. “What do you want Y/N? You’re angry that I abandoned you, you’re angry I confessed a secret you pulled out of me, then you’re fucking your ex—my best friend, and judging me for my relationship history?”

“You’re way too close,” I push him gently by the shoulder.

“Oh you don’t like that? Both Frank and Harry close to Y/N again.”

“Fuck off!” I push him again, harder this time and he flicks my hands off.

I shove him with both hands but he’s hard to move. He grabs my wrist. “Is that what you wanted all along? Just both of us trailing after you? Do you get a power trip out if it? Do you want me to kiss you too? Maybe a quickie before Frank gets out of the shower? Is that why you did this? Because I said last night I didn’t think about you like that anymore?”

“Stop!” I finally manage to get my hand out of his grip. He looks down at my hand and then at my face. It drops, and he steps back.

I turn for my coat and catch a glimpse of my face. I was crying.

“Y/N don’t go-“ Harry calls out as I rush to the front door.

“You must forget,” I keep my hand on the doorknob as I tell him one last thing. “He broke up with me. I’m not stringing him along. I’m not sleeping with him to get to you. I…I don’t even know you anymore Harry…I don’t want to see you again. If you’re here ‘til Thursday, stay out of my way.”

I do the walk of shame to the subway and sit on the ride home, crying openly on the plastic seats. Nobody gave a fuck.

I don’t know what had gotten into Harry. But I don’t know why I gave in last night too. I wasn’t at a place emotionally to do this. Even though Harry’s words were his own projections one thing was true. His words last night did hit a chord, I did want to feel wanted. And Frank didn’t deserve that.

I had run away instead of facing my reality. And it had gotten me nowhere.

6 months later:

My flat feels bigger than it did. I also feel bigger in it. Most of my furniture was still in storage, I had movers coming tomorrow.

I was finally back to London this week. I was jet lagged as fuck, and cried at least once a day. I missed the life I made in New York, the family I made. Our show had ended a couple months ago. Somehow I’d booked a small role in a series I’d end up dead in after four episodes. I’d met an amazing guy there but we knew I was always moving back. We didn’t try long-distance, we just agreed it was right people wrong time.

In my remaining time in New York I learned to pivot from running away to facing my past. Frank and I had talked before he left back in January. Even though I told him nothing about what happened I had told him it was probably best we stopped contact for a while. I needed to focus on my present.

And I had. I focused on my career, on learning to be alone and exploring why I needed to be wanted. Learning to be happy by myself.

It was 6 months but it felt like years with how transformational it had been. New York city had changed my life but London was calling me back home.

I’d seen a couple friends since. One of them being from uni had told me about Harry. Apparently he had moved to Australia while his company was setting up offices there. A small part of me had held onto the hope of bumping into him in the city but I let it go when I hear the news. Maybe Harry and I were just going to live separate lives.

We never spoke after that day. It was hard to reconcile his actions with who I knew him to be. Over time I recognized we were both confused and hurting.

I loved him. It was simple. Maybe I always loved him. But I think it was a love that wasn’t meant to be. I didn’t hold out hope for him, and I made sure to minimize my heartache when I thought about the friendship I lost.

That love wasn’t the same way I loved Frank. With Harry I really did feel we were twin flames, we knew each other right to the darkest parts of out souls. With Frank we fit right. It was mutual respect and love.

I had dinner plans with Frank next week, the first time we were talking since January too. I heard from my friend he had a girlfriend, he seemed serious about her. I was really happy for him.

I ease into London life slowly. I had a few roles on small sets that I popped in and out of for work. I met up with friends and visited my family in the country. Summer sweltered on and the city welcomed me back home with a steady hum. Despite my initial feelings of growing out of all my friendships, I slowly surround myself by loved ones again and find my flow.

Autumn creeps in and I welcome the cool breeze on early set days. I drink countless coffees and grow into my own skin. I book more roles and finally feel secure, it feels amazing.

An old friend invited me to a Halloween party. Costumes not optional she texts.

Another friend and I decide to go as Marvel characters. I dress up as the Scarlett Witch

“Is that Y/N Y/L/N gracing us with her presence?” An old friend calls me out when we get there. It’s easy to get lost amongst old friends and everyone has a million questions about show business. When it gets overwhelming I excuse myself and take a lap, admiring the creativity in everyone’s costumes.

“Y/N you made it!” I look closer at the man in the makeup and realize it was Frank.

“Hey!” I wrap my arms around him. “You made it too!”

“Barely,” he points his thumb at the gorgeous woman beside him. She’s dressed as Rapunzel.

“You made him Flynn,” I say.

“Yeah!” She holds up her frying pan. “You must be Y/N, I’ve heard a lot about you!”

“That makes me nervous,” I grimace but we go in for a hug. “It’s so nice to meet you though! You two should win best couple costume!”

“This hair gel is making my scalp itchy. Like crazy.” Frank goes to touch his hair but his Rapunzel slaps his hand away which gets me laughing hysterically. They really embodied the characters.

“Hey,” Frank says once we get serious. “I dunno if you’ve seen him yet. Harry’s here though.”

“I-oh,” I catch my breath. I wasn’t expecting that. “He’s not…Australia?”

“No no, he came back a couple weeks ago. They’re done whatever project they were doing. So…you haven’t seen him?”

“No,” I glance around. “I don’t know if I want to. We haven’t talked since…”

“Just talk to him,” Frank says, suddenly intense. He grabs my arm and moves to the side, mouthing something to his girlfriend. Seeing him with her, I feel so distant from the girl who dated him I’m surprised we did for so long. “Y/N both of you need to make up. Look at us, we broke up after a long term relationship and we’re friends again. There’s nothing that you two can’t get over.”

“It’s not that simple,” I couldn’t out Harry so I mince my words. “Harry said some vile things. And…he’s not who I thought he was for all those years. It’s different!”

“Y/N,” Frank takes a deep breath. He looks to the side, and I can tell he’s choosing his words carefully. “I love the both of you. We’re all best mates, we used to do everything together. Three’s still company! And I want to see both of you happy-“

“I am happy-“

“Yeah but Harry’s a sore spot. Right?”

I roll my eyes. Of course we dated for so long, he knew how to read me.

“Exactly. Listen I know…I know it’s weird. We dated. And Harry’s my best friend. But whatever you two want to be, as long as the two of you are happy-“

“What?” Was he saying what I think he was saying? “What are you saying?”

“You don’t think I’m an idiot do you?” Frank asks and I shrug. He huffs before continuing. “I see the way he looks at you Y/N. I know he…it was weird at first. When I realized maybe my best friend liked my girlfriend. But that shit happens all the time. I confronted him once. He said he admired you a lot but it was nothing more than that. I let it go—I think it was easier for me to believe him than call him out on his lie and potentially ruin our friend-“

“So you know why we’re fighting?”

“Not exactly. But I guessed after I saw how angry Harry was. When he found us in bed…I put the pieces together. Sort of felt like it was my fault. That I was the reason you two were fighting. A part of me wasn’t ready to give you up though. I’m glad you made us take space.”

“Yeah…” There are so many thoughts running through my head and it’s hard to turn them into words. I just nod along.

“So you’ll try?” Frank asks.

“I-yeah. I’m just going to…step away” I pat Frank on the arm and walk away. I needed a quiet corner. I pass his girlfriend along the way and we smile cordially. I was happy for Frank. But I can’t believe he knew. Not the whole time, but deep down he did. Was I the only one who didn’t???

The way Harry looked at me. I remember. I never put much thought into it. We were best friends after all. But all along he had loved me from afar. And been there like a friend. It was stupid and crazy that he didn’t just cut me off to move on, but it was also sweet. Pathetically sweet.

I walk out of the flat and find the stairwell. There was finally some air to breathe; I drop my head onto my knees to take some deep breaths. What was I supposed to do now? I knew I had to see Harry sooner or later now that he was back in town. But what if he changed too? What if he has a girlfriend? Did I even want to risk our friendship and try to be something more?

What friendship, I remember. We had nothing right now. Our relationship was in shambles. We hadn’t spoken in 9 months.

“Ugh!” I shout and it echoes in the stairwell. I dust my costume off and open the door back to the hall but I come face to face with Doctor Strange instead. Well, Doctor Strange’s medallion.

“Oh. Hiya,” I saw awkwardly. Harry looked amazing. Even in his costume. He’s grown more handsome in our time away.

“Scarlet Witch,” he looks me up and down.

“Did you know? Is that why you’re Strange?”

“Honestly no,” he steps back. “I had a cape at home, and found a robe so I just went with it…”

“You just had a cape at home? Casually?”

“Yeah,” by now Harry is smiling and staring at me. We were having a casual conversation but his eyes were saying something else. He was really glad to see me. “I’m so glad I bumped into you.”

“In the stairwell,” I arch an eyebrow. “A bird named Frank didn’t tell you did he?”

“Hm,” he pretends to think before taking a Strange pose. “I looked at the possibilities of seeing you tonight and-“

“You’re such a nerd,” I put his arm down that’s waving circles in the air.

We fall into another silence and it’s a bit awkward. But my words are too far away to grasp any, I didn’t know what to say. There was too much and nothing at all suddenly.

“You went to Australia,” I settle on prying what he’s been up to.

“Yeah, yeah!” His eyes light up as he tells me about it. Apparently he’d gone with that girlfriend from New York—turns out she was Australian. They lived together for a bit but her schedule made it hard to go steady. I glean this info while he tells me about what he was doing there and how different the lifestyle was. “It surprised me. I really liked it. I think you would have too.”

“Seems lovely,” I smile. “You glow when you talk about it.”

Harry blushes. “Yeah I…it was the step away I needed. There’s a lot of bloody space in Australia, I just felt so free there.”

“I’m happy for you,” I say honestly. Harry actually seemed brand new. I ache a little that he’d done all this changing; what if I was a castaway in his big change.

“Yeah. Thanks.” He smiles, his dimples make an appearance. “M’glad to be home though.”

“Yeah,” I sigh. “Me too. I love America but I’m home on British soil.”

That makes Harry laugh. Then more silence. Jeez what could I say. This was so awkward!

“Should we go back in?” Harry nods to the door. I hesitate, I thought we were going to talk talk. Isn’t that why he found me out here?

Unless I really was in Harry’s past; he didn’t think we were worth reconciling. Maybe we were just going to be friendly now. Oh that hurts.

“Why not,” I walk ahead so I can mask my expression into something pleasant. I was Scarlet bloody Witch. Turns out Harry wasn’t the Vision I thought he was going to be. I was going to be fine.

“So you seeing anyone?” Harry asks casually as we walk back in. The noise is louder and I barely make his question out.

“Ah no,” I can’t look him in the eye. “Not right now.”

No comment from him. Oh my god I had to get away from this constant awkward energy.

“I’ll catch up with you later then? I see some friends there I haven’t spoken to…”

Harry looks to where I point. His brows furrow for a brief moment before he slips on an easy smile. “Talk later!”

I look for him a little later after I’ve cleared my head. I see him with Frank’s girlfriend. Was he in love with her now? The thought flashes in my brain so quickly I’m surprised by the emotion it pulls up. What was wrong with me!?

I had to slow down on the drinks. And maybe this headpiece was shrinking my brain cells. Why did I think such a horrible thought after Harry was so nice to me?

You’re jealous.

I couldn’t be though. Could I? This wasn’t the Harry I knew. How could I be?

I move towards where I remember the toilets to be. I could get out of this headpiece, splash some water on my face. Factory reset my stupid brain.

“Oh-‘scuse me!” I bump into someone—Harry coming out of the bathroom.

“Harry I-“ I turn back to where I swear I just saw him.

“Frank dropped cream cheese on my cape that menace,” Harry shows me the spot. “It barely came out.”

“Did you dab at it?” I inspect it. “Let’s see if we can get it out.”

He turns back and I follow him into the bathroom. I close the door and suddenly the loud noise muffles into a quieter environment. It emphasizes our silence.

“The cheese is like, in the threads.” I use my finger to scrub the cloth. “Frank can be so clumsy.”

“He’s like a child with finger foods,” Harry says. His voice rumbles through his chest to me. It’s then I realize, he was nearly touching it to my back—I’d draped his cape over the both of us.

I blink up at him and he must realize because he steps back. “Sorry, let me take this off. Might be easier.”

“No that’s alright,” I say but I take it from him happily detached.

He watches me clean it after offering assistance and being rejected. I was used to spot cleaning things out of my costumes, I’d gotten good at it.

“Here you go,” I give it to him after dabbing it as dry as I could.

“Wow, thank you.” He examines the spot. “That’s nearly gone.”

“Nearly?” I squint at it and he laughs.

“Yeah it’s gone, you’re the wizard!” He extends the cape over my shoulders.

“Actually it should be sorcerer,” I say. “I’ve already got a cape!”

“But it’s so short!”

“Fine,” I pull it tighter around my shoulders and the comfort of Harry it carried. “I’ll keep this on! See ya!”

He laughs but when I go for the door he stops me. “Wait. Y/N wait. Wait. Is…is this how we’re going to be?”

“Huh?” I turn back to him. “Is this how we’re going to be??”

“Yeah like, polite. And you trying to escape me every ten minutes.”

Oh. He noticed.

“Uhm, no?”

“Is that a question?”

“Well,” I bite my lip. I was nervous suddenly, facing this very confident and confrontational and cute as hell Harry. “How do you want to be?”

“How we used to? Best friends?”

“I mean, can we? After everything?”

“I hope so,” Harry runs a hand down his face. “I was too proud the last time you saw me. I said some stuff I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry for what I did to you.”

“No I’m sorry,” I confess, relieved to be able to. “If you were too proud, then I was too confused. I didn’t know what I wanted. I lashed out too, and some of the stuff you said was right.”

“Was it? Say that again please?” Harry gives me a cheeky grin.

“Shut up!“ I hit him on the chest playfully. “That isn’t going to get a repeat.”

“Too bad,” Harry pretends to look upset.

We fall into silence once more but it’s not as awkward. The room is small we just sort of study each other.

“So, friends again?” Harry holds his hand out.

“C’mere you idiot,” I take the step forward and wrap my arms around his waist. I fit here. Right here. Oh my god I missed this.

“Y/N,” Harry squeezes me. “I miss us.”

“I know,” I squeeze him back. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“I’m glad you forgave me,” he whispers back to me.

“I’m glad you forgave me,” I whisper back.

A knock on the door breaks up apart. But we stay arm’s length from one another.

“I can tell you’ve changed,” he taps a knuckle to my nose. “I’m proud of you Y/N. I saw you on TV when I came back. I jumped up so quickly I scared my mum.”

“Aw.” I try not to blush. “You’ve changed too. I like this calm and collected and mature Harry. He’s cool!”

“I was always calm and collected and mature,” Harry says as I open the door. The person on the other side looks between both of us but we’re too busy bantering to notice.

“You think burping at me is funny.”

“It is!” Harry wraps both his arms around my shoulder from behind as we walk.

“So you haven’t actually changed,” I look up at him behind me. “Good to know.”

“Look at us,” Harry says. “Two nexus beings finding each other again.”

“We’ve just altered the timeline becoming friends again!” I laugh.

We bump into Frank then, and he looks visibly relieved that we made up. I can tell by the way he studies us he’s trying to figure out if anything more happened but as Harry keeps his arm draped around me, and teases me like before, I watch his expression clear as he realizes we just made up as friends.

It’s not disappointing. I missed Harry more than I thought, just being able to laugh with him means more to me than any kiss would. I stare at him longer than I should, and when he holds my hand as we leave the party my stomach flutters. But I don’t think too hard about it. He was back in my life. I was happy.

2 months later:

“I brought the good stuff,” Harry holds up three bottles of wine in my doorway.

“Then you better hurry in!” I open the door wider to let him in.

“These are for the lovely host,” Harry hands me a bouquet of flowers when I meet him in the kitchen.

“Oh my god,” I bury my face in them. “These are so lovely. Thank you H.”

I lean up to kiss his cheek. These were the little things that always took me by surprise when Harry did them ever since we started talking again. It reminded me that he did some growing while we were apart.

Not that the old Harry wouldn’t have got me flowers. But he wouldn’t have thought to bring them for me for our belated Christmas party. It was hard to explain, the changes were subtle but Harry was growing into a man. Finally.

“What are you smiling about?” Harry asks.

“I’m making fun of you in my head,” I tell him as I bring out a vase for the flowers.

“Stop that,” he surveys my dinner table. “Or I’ll take those flowers back.”

“No,” I hold them close. “Can you help out with the roast? It just needs to be taken out of the oven.”

“Yeah!” Harry helps me finish up the dinner. It was the week between Christmas and New Year’s and I’d wanted to throw a Christmas dinner for my friends. He agreed to come early for this, but we finish quicker and have a half hour to spare.

“So Y/N,” Harry says suddenly serious after we sit for a break. I still had to get into my outfit but I had to catch my breath first.

“So Harry,” I joke to ease the serious undertone that had creeped in. I stretch my legs out on the sofa. Harry sits on the floor beside me, so I turn to my side so we’re at eye-level.

“Did you hear about Frank?” Harry picks at a stray fibre on the cushion.

“Frank? No? What happened?!”

“Ah,” he leans back and closes his eyes. He says more to himself: “Of course.”

“The suspense is killing me here! Is he cancelling or something?”

I’d only invited Harry, Frank and his girlfriend, my neighbour, and 3 others. Already my neighbour cancelled for being sick. I had too much food for another cancellation.

“He’s engaged Y/N,” Harry finally looks at me. “He proposed on Christmas Eve.”

“Oh!” I stare at Harry, frozen as a roller coaster of emotions rides through my system in 10 seconds. It had been 5 days. “Wha-why didn’t he tell me?”

“I dunno, maybe he was going to tell you in person today?”

“Did he tell you in person?”

“No,” he places a hand on my leg. “He sent a picture. But maybe it’s just given your guys’ history-“

“But we’re old news. History. Literal history. Does he think I’ll be offended?”

“Are you offended?”

I pause. “That he didn’t tell me yeah a bit.”

“Y/N,” Harry shakes my leg. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah I-“ I think about it before I answer. I wasn’t jealous. Frank and I were over. His new girlfriend clearly made him happy—he found what he wanted.

“What?” Harry asks gently.

“I’m not jealous or anything. I don’t care but a small part of me looks back on us and is like…if he wanted to he would. Right?”

“Half your relationship happened when you two were students,” Harry knew what I was talking about.

“That’s true. But we had years after too. It just makes me think how long we held onto each other because we didn’t know better. It took him less than a year to propose to her!”

“Don’t look at it like wasted time-“

“I’m not!” I reassure him. “It was some of the greatest moments of my early 20s with the three of us. I guess when you know, you know.”

“Yeah,” Harry had started rubbing my leg to soothe me. “Good. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah. M’good thanks for telling me beforehand. You’re a good friend.”

If he hadn’t, I know it would have gotten awkward. Because even though I truly was happy for them, it was a bit awkward to find out and react live like that.

“Just pretend it’s the first time you heard when he tells you?” Harry asks.

“Yeah I won’t blow your cover.” I smile. He doesn’t smile back.

“You’re really over him?” he asks instead. “It doesn’t bother you at all?”

I only realize how seriously he is when I look at him, he still believed I was hung up over Frank?

“Harry what? You know I’m over that. We broke up over a year ago-“

“Yeah but when we came to see you-“

“Oh my god that was just two exes finding comfort in each other! We were both obviously lonely. And confused probably.”

I laugh but Harry doesn’t. His hand on my leg stops and so I lay mine on top of his.

We both know why Harry’s so invested, he’s showing me he still cares. But neither of us make a move. I don’t know why we were equally scared, but we stay that way.

Until my phone buzzes. We jump apart at the sudden sound and I scramble for it to help with the obvious tension that had just filled the air.

“Everyone’s nearly here!” I get up. “I need to get ready! Can you let them in when they arrive?”

“Sure. Yeah, get ready.” Harry waves me off. I rush to my room and slip into the sweater dress I’d left out. I do a quick mascara and blush as I hear the guests arrive. When I come out everyone has a glass of wine and I greet them all with a hug.

“I’m so happy everyone could make it!” I say to the small group. I point out the appetizers and get to mingling. Everyone gets along well and I happily host with some help from Harry. I can sense Frank and his girlfriend, or now fiancé, eyeing me.

At the dinner table everyone tucks in. The drinks flow and so does the conversation. Until Frank clears his throat.

“We have some news,” Frank says. We all look expectantly at him and he holds up his fiancé’s hand. “We got engaged.”

“Oh my gosh! Congratulations!” I gush, with just enough enthusiasm that I can see them visibly relax. Everyone fawns over the ring. I get up to hug them both and say another congrats. I make eye contact with Harry as I sit back down and he anchors me. He was the reason things stay awkward-free. I loved him for that.

The night continues and by the time it’s midnight mostly everyone is drunk. They file out slowly and I’m left with the usual three. Well, four now.

“So when did you tell her?” Frank asks when his fiancé excuses herself before they leave.

“What?” Harry asks.

“Tell me what?” I act equally confused.

“C’mon you two. Harry you told her before we came right?”

“Tell me what?” I ask.

“My news! My engagement! I’m not crazy I know you told her.”

“I didn’t say a word mate,” Harry swears. “Why would I tell her your news?”

Frank looks at me suspiciously but I put on my best innocent face. He shakes his head when we hears his fiancé come back and they leave with a final hug. As soon as the door closes behind them, Harry and I break out into a fit of giggles.

“D’you think he bought it?” Harry whispers.

“I don’t think so.” I whisper back.

“Why are we whispering?”

“I don’t know!” this sends me into another round of laughter.

“Harry I need to get hydrated and go to bed,” I wipe my tears away when I get ahold of myself. “I’m losing it.”

“Here,” Harry gets up from where we’d crouched down to and helps me up. I lean into his chest as we have one last chuckle.

“You get yourself cleaned and I’ll clean up here.”

“No!” I wave his help away. “I’ll clean tomorrow. You can pour another drink if you want. But don’t worry about the mess!”

“Just get in there,” Harry pushes me to the bathroom and I don’t have any fight left in me. I can hear him loading the dishes and I thank the universe for giving me someone like him.

By the time I scrub my day off and change into cozy flannels, Harry had loaded the dishes, put away any leftover food that hadn’t been given away, and wiped down the counters.

“You. Are. An angel.” I put my hands on either side of his face. “I love you.”

The words come out quicker than I could process. We both freeze.

“Uhh,” he coughs out a laugh. I drop my hands. “I am an angel aren’t I?”

“Tonight yeah,” so we were going to play the avoidance card.

It’s not like I’d never said those words to him before. I’d said it a million times. But not since before.

“I’ll just use the toilet myself, before I go.”

“Oh yeah,” I move aside so he can go past. I didn’t want him to go, yet things had taken a turn for the awkward and I felt an anxious energy flood me.

I pick at the dinner table, gathering the spare decorations I’d placed. Giving my hands something to do because Harry was going to come out any second now and I’d have to look him in the face after the moment we just had.

What was wrong with us? We obviously liked the other person! No one was making the first move and everything was just suspended in jello!

That does it, I decide. I was going to give him a piece of my mind!!

“Y/N,” Harry had come out while I was lost in thought. He stands on the other side of the table.

“Are you leaving?” I accuse.

“I was.” He licks his lips and looks away. “But I can’t leave like this. Look.”

He walks around to me and holds me hand. “You know I love you. With my whole heart. I don’t know why I was so weird back then.”

He cups my face, the same way I did before and my mental declarations fall like the last leaves of November. “I love you.”

An emotion sticks in my throat and I try to push it down to ask him as what? What did he love me as? I needed to know. But it’s too big to go down, and my eyes well with tears instead.

“C’mon,” he wipes a stray tear with his thumb. “I’ve said it a million times. You’re not crying are ya?”

“No,” I say as more tears streak down my face. My lip juts out and it makes Harry laugh. He wraps me into him.

“When did you become such a baby?”

“I’m not a baby!” I say into his chest.

“Shh you big baby,” he pats my hair down and it makes me giggle. He pulls me away and grins, he looks extraordinarily beautiful in this moment and I feel my breath catch. “We got a laugh out of her!”

“Leave me alone,” I cross my arms.

His smile fades. “D’you want me to?”

“No!” I hug him again. “I like it here.”

“Y/N-“ he hesitates. I lift my face to look up, resting my chin on his chest. “I can’t lose you again.”

He was rejecting me. He wanted to stay friends. Oh. The tears threaten up again and I take a step back. “Oh.”

“No no,” he pulls me back. “Listen to me. I can’t lose you again. D’you understand?”

His serious gaze disrupts a migration of butterflies somewhere inside me. When did my Harry become this handsome gentleman?

When you let him go.

I battle my thoughts as they try sabotage the good thing in front of me.

“What?” Harry cups my cheek. He knew the internal battle going on of course.

“I don’t,” I close my eyes against his gentle touch. “I don’t want to hold you back.”

“Are you mental? You make me want to be better Y/N. I wouldn’t be who I am without you.”

“Really?” I ask. His forehead touches mine.

“Really,” he swipes another tear that had fallen without permission. “You’re everything to me Y/N. I want you to be around all the time. You don’t know how many times when I was in Australia I wanted to pick up my phone and send you something I knew you would find funny. It was painful every time I could. I don’t ever want to lose you ever again.”

“Me neither,” I blubber. I felt the same way when I was in America.

“You’re crying a lot for a nice moment,” Harry teases. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Yes!” I cry/laugh. “I don’t know why I’m being so emotional!”

He presses his lips gently to my cheeks. I’m light-headed as his lips move down to my own. I’ve never felt more complete than in this moment. I’ve never felt more whole in my life. It feels like coming home after a long journey, like finding your person in a crowd and saying ah there you are. It was better than being on stage with the sound of applause deafening your eardrums. It was everything.

1-ish year later:

Harry clutches my hand as we rush to the church, running late because he had woken up with a blemish that he’d made worse the more he tried to take care of it. I tried not to get annoyed, instead I lent him some makeup and we panicked all the way here.

“Has it started?” Harry shouts back at me as we climb the steps. I check the time, by some miracle we were only 6 minutes late.

“Probably!” I say. I was disgustingly out of breath but Harry waits for me at the top. We enter the lobby and peek into the ceremony. Frank stands up front but there’s buzzing in the pews. “Oh thank god!”

“Perfect place to do it,” Harry jokes as he opens the door and we walk in. Frank looks relieved when he spots his best man walking to him. He waves at me and I mouth good luck to him.

I wish Harry was beside me as the ceremony starts. Frank tears up as his bride walks up the aisle and it’s crazy to me how I once upon a time thought that would be me walking up to him one day. Harry catches my eye and squints, I was tearing up. Because now I imagined walking up to him one day. The true love of my life.

Vows are exchanged and the newlyweds dance down the aisle. We see them off and when I turn to Harry he kisses me with a ferocious passion.

“Woah,” I pat his tie when I catch my breath. “What was that for?”

“I just love you so much,” he kisses my forehead. “I’m going to marry you one day.”

I melt at his words, it had been over a year since we got together but I fell more and more in love with him every day. I can’t believe he was right there all along and I found him so late.

“Let’s get in there and do it now,” I say mock-seriously. But Harry believes me.

“Really? Now?!”

“No,” I peck his cheek. “But I’m just waiting for the question. Then I will happily marry you anywhere.”

“There’s a question?” Harry plays stupid.

“I’ll let you figure that one out!” I walk down the steps towards our ride. We had a reception to get to. On time.

The reception is at a gorgeous venue nearby that sparkles on every surface. I congratulate the newlyweds a million times and watch my drink since I told Harry he didn’t have to drive. He was a funny drunk, very affectionate, and I didn’t mind.

“There’s my future wife,” Harry locates me near the end of the night.

“We were just dancing together,” I put my arm around him.

“Itsa last slow song,” he pulls me to the dancefloor where all the couples sway with each other. I put my arms around Harry and do the same b

“You’re pretty drunk,” I whisper in his ear.

“I know. Last drink.” He slurs. “Y’know I love you s’much. I’m keeping you forever.”

“That’s a relief,” I tease. “I thought we had an expiry.”

“No!” Harry pulls back enough to look at me. “Never!”

“I know,” I twirl the hair at the nape of his neck. “It’s forever.”

“Yeah,” Harry gazes at me lovingly and I admire him the same.

“I’m so lucky to have you,” I tell him. “I’m so lucky you stuck around.”

“I’m the lucky one,” Harry slurs.

“Let’s dance,” I rest my head on his chest and we continue swaying. His heart beats steadily underneath and I’m so grateful for him. I feel like going back just to tell myself that I would be dancing romantically with my best friend at my boyfriend’s wedding in a few year’s time. That everything I knew was about to crumble underneath me but I would build it back up stronger than ever. I wish I could tell her to not be afraid, two was company and it would be the best kind yet.