#lol i never posted about the channel here so it's kind of out of nowhere. but idk if people rlly read most of my txtposts anyways

[californianedgeworth]

the amount of people who point out Steven as some kind of money hungry villain manipulating Shane and Ryan in the whole Watcher debacle is so annoying. clearly they just liked Shane and Ryan a lot better and want to take culpability away from them. but all 3 of them made this decision, as far as we know they're all equally accountable. stop making conspiracies based off people's lives you don't know so you can continue to justify your parasocial relationship jfc

[canmom]

The Flower That Bloomed Nowhere 033-048

Previously: 000-012, spinoff post about entropy, 013-032, [all Flower posts]

Someone else died so it's time I write another one of these, eh?

Welcome back to my liveblog of The Flower That Bloomed Nowhere, a serial web novel by @lurinatftbn. Here I'll be covering the Profane Ambition and The Chosen Children arcs.

So, Flower.

No, not that flower...

A lot of crazy shit goes down in these chapters! We learn a good deal more about Su, including an impressively believable suicide attempt! Some of that juicy Umineko-style metafictional shit starts sneaking in, even coloured text. Scifi 9/11 happens. Fang is there! And also, on a rather more cosmic level...

...it turns out entropy - the physical principle - is conscious. That's a whole thing.

Then Neferatuen dies.

So, let's take it from the top, stuff that jumped out at me in these sections.

Su flashbacks (cw lots of discussion of suicide!)

If it wasn't already evident, it seems clear by now that Su - the present Su - thinks of herself as having bodyjacked a person, and her goal across this whole affair is to set that right by visiting Samium the egomancer. To the point that she's willing to put just about everyone else in danger for the sake of that mission.

In various flashbacks, we start to get more of a picture here of how Su came to this suicide mission. In chapter 34, we see her growing close to an unnamed friend before she became an arcanist - a friend who found her on the beach during a bullying incident in a previous flashback and gave her a much needed dose of support and trust. It could be Ran, since she seems to fit into Su's life in a similar way? But the narration fairly conspicuously avoids naming this friend, and this friend does not aspire to become an arcanist.

In a later flashback in chapter 45, we see Su - post-arcanist - attempting suicide. Despite the extreme situation, she can't help being Su, going on fairly long digressions about architectural history to explain why she goes about the specific method she does. I found some passages of this, like where Su discusses how she imagines the aftermath of her suicide affecting people and how that affects her choice of method, quite relatable for the time when I was pretty deep in the suicidal ideation hole.

Maybe I should talk a bit about that actually. When I was at university - quite a lot deeper in the rationalist ideology, incidentally - I thought about suicide a lot (I never got so far as actually attempting, thanks in part to the kindness of friends who reached out to me and gave me a different context to exist in).

It's hard to say exactly why I was so convinced I should die, looking back. A lot of it was a sense of guilt, corruption, not deserving to exist? I was failing at uni due to undiagnosed adhd and had my mind full of very demanding social justice principles.

Anyway, I was still dimly aware that there were people like my parents who cared about me and would probably be sad if I died. And I also didn't want to inflict the traumatic event of finding a dead body on someone. So, I somehow convinced myself that it would be best if I were to just disappear. The method I dreamed up to achieve this would be to buy passage on a ferry to France overnight, and then jump off somewhere in the Channel. By the time anyone noticed, I'd likely already be dead. Though I still worried about the possibility that my corpse would wash ashore.

This is obviously completely and utterly bonkers in retrospect. Like, I really thought people would be less upset if they didn't have a body to say goodbye to? But uh, suicidal people aren't exactly in the most rational state of mind.

Suffice to say that when Su talks about the condition her body would be found in as a concern, even while disparaging it as a pointless concern for a suicide, it's kind of relatable lol.

I also appreciate the sheer awkwardness with which the actual attempt is depicted. Suicide is inherently kind of absurd as an operation. The scene ends a little comically - Su comes to the conclusion that she's selfish to want to die, falls off the branch by accident anyway, and then the branch breaks and she lives.

Ran is the one who meets her after the attempt. By this point she's clearly come to care about the current iteration of Su. But in Chapter 46 we learn that Ran is the one who reacted with a great deal of hostility when Su came clean about the whole situation to her, and did a lot to motivate Su's whole quest for self-annihilation.

"I still remember how you acted when we first met," I said, my face cracking into a strange, uneven smile, as I looked away and towards the ground. "When you called me a 'disgusting, perverse piece of filth.' I'd never seen anyone be so mad at me... And the next day, and gave me all those rules I needed to follow..." She didn't say anything. "I was really, really happy, you know? It was such a relief." My body felt like it was becoming very still. "That someone had finally noticed something was wrong. That someone knew how to fix it."

And now, we most explicitly see her getting cold feet...

"If it is what you want to do--" "Yes," I spoke, without even a moment of hesitation. "...then I'm happy," she said, after a moment. "If you really mean that, and it doesn't hurt you, then it's good." It's difficult to completely express how much that was the opposite of what I wanted to hear. The words were like acid poured down my throat. My gut ached with furious revulsion, like it'd been punched by a grown man. "That's disgusting," I said. "Sorry," she said. The word came out stiff, but there was no guilt in it. No shame. shame, it was more like a meeting point between exhaustion and relief. It made it even worse.

And from Ran's point of view... she's spent years with current!Su. Far longer than original!Su. It really seems like she hasn't properly confronted her feelings about this quest.

That said, there's something kinda off about this, isn't there? If we think of them as separate identities, it's not like current!Su asked to be implanted in original!Su's body - and even if current!Ran has been able to better assimilate to her body's memories, she'd be guilty of the exact same crime as Su, just a bit luckier. If anyone could be 'blamed', it would be the doctor. Su's situation would be tragic, but calling her a 'perverse piece of filth'?

Also in this arc we get a flashback of a different sort, in an epistolary format. This comes with a visit from the Playwright and Director to assure us that we can reasonably assume this is a genuine and correctly attributed letter, but we can't necessarily trust that the character writing it will tell the truth. In this case, the doctor who oversaw Su's ascension writes to a friend about Su's failure to assimilate, noting that some third party clearly interfered with the ceremony, and covered their tracks pretty well. (Of course he could just be covering his ass, if he was involved).

The only outstanding hypothesis at this point is that Su's grandfather tried to implant his own identity onto Su, but it didn't 'take' properly. This would explain some other things in this section - we'll come to that later. However, it also seems... unsatisfying, in that the way Su talks about her grandfather really doesn't come across like she's got access to his memories or anything like that.

There's other Weird Shit going on with Su, anyway. Towards the end of this section, Su sees something like a beaked human, hanging out in the ocean, and immediately passes out, skipping a significant chunk of time. Although there's signs that at least one other person has seen this entity, I have no goddamn clue what is going on with that.

Zeno

We get introduced to another couple members of the Order! These two have got the spicier transhuman stuff going on with them.

The first is Zeno, who - it turns out! - has discovered a means to puppetteer multiple bodies, though they retain one 'main' body, it's not a shared consciousness type situation. When we meet them, they're using a girl's body - Su has some gender hangups lol, and refers to Zeno with 'she' or 'he' pronouns depending on embodiment. I'm gonna go with 'they'. Zeno is brusque and overwhelmingly condescending, and seems to be convinced Su is somehow playing the fool by acting like a student who doesn't know what the hell is going on. This is fairly strong support for the idea that Zeno believes Su 'should be' her grandfather in a new body. If not that, then definitely she should know more than she does.

Anyway, Zeno says a bunch of grandiose shit about how they're about to create the Great Work or something.

"Utsushikome of Fusai," she said, her tone suddenly very soft. "Immortality is the least of it. There is a power which sleeps here that will remake the world. That will fold mankind as iron in a furnace, and usher in an age of glory. That will grant our species unfathomable and beautiful dignity, and liberate us from this decomposing corpse of a brane."

Exactly how this will be accomplished they do not condescend to say, because apparently all will be revealed shortly. But, out of a sense of loyalty, they give Su her grandfather's macguffin key to open... something, that will give her the right to benefit from whatever it is they're doing.

I appreciate that Su does her best to try and get some answers from someone determined to spout mysterious bullshit. Zeno is, nevertheless, not forthcoming. Su hates this - both being given shit to do with her granddad, and also Zeno's whole fufufu I'm an evil wizard doing schemes shtick.

So that's one element...

Balthazar again

Before meeting Zeno, Su runs into Balthazar again. For reasons that are inexplicable to her, she feels driven to treat him with hostility and suspicion. She drills him on the exact circumstances of what happened after the prosognostic event, where she thought he'd said 'I kept my promise'. After she pushes too far, Balthazar says...

"Dying Gods, you really are an unfair person, aren't you?" He said, ignoring my question and narrowing his eyes. " Right to the bitter end." My frown turned to confusion. "'Unfair person?'" Bitter end? "I don't like to think of myself as the resentful type," he said, now not seeming to be looking at me at all, "but I have to admit, I can't help but feel a little cheated. To struggle for such a long time, just to be saddled with a role like this, and left to-- Well, to be given to choice to either suck it up, or make the situation even worse. And to not even be allowed a few moments of catharsis as a consolation prize... It's cruel. There's no other word for it."

Then he calls Su 'Shiko', an abbreviation of her name which provokes a severely negative physical reaction in her - she almost vomits. At this point we probably think of the fact that the blacked-out name of Su's grandfather is also five letters.

Balthazar claims not to know something but be operating from context clues. What that implies, not clear. He clearly knows more about the situation than he's letting on. ... OK, unfortunately I think I glimpsed a spoiler suggesting he's aware of the time loop, so I can't claim to have organically guessed that idea, but it would make sense. In that case, maybe his 'promise' was to put himself at risk by causing the prosognostic event, allowing the 'control' scenario to play out correctly?

Still, even if he's aware of the loop, it leaves all kinds of questions about what his deal is. Like why this guy and nobody else?

'So much for your country, I guess'

In chapter 38, Su is helping her classmate Seth carry out a bribe to get Sacnicte not to dob him in for fighting, supposedly. This serves as a chance to introduce us to the existence of the fortified security centre, which has surveillance feeds on most of the facility.

Let's talk a little bit about computers!

We also learn that, in the absence of regular electromagnetism, computers 'logic engines' communicate with each other in this world through a 'logic bridge' which involves yet more Tower of Asphodel iron wonkiness. We have 'false iron' and 'true iron'; false iron can be converted into true iron by the connection to the Tower, which can be initiated by the proximity to a human. True iron can talk to true iron.

The upshot is that computers can't talk to each other unless there's a nearby human at both ends, or the Power is involved, and the power can't operate without human intervention, so it's hard to build automated systems in this world.

The other funky aspect is that, by law, the only type of remote computer connection allowed is basically fully immersive VR, because the old world might have collapsed because kids always be on their damn phones.

Iron had enabled people to communicate in radically unconventional ways, which was perceived to have furthered dehumanization and diminished common empathy. As a result, the law was that remote communication was only permitted if it sensually emulated reality, like what was happening in front of us.

This seems like it would be a very helpful plot point if they ever made a film adaptation of this book lol.

Anyway, Su and Seth take the opportunity to tune in to the parade back home while they're doing the bribe. Of course someone sets it up the bomb.

The kids have a little chat about terrorism - Kam holds forth in her usual way about how deplorable terrorism is, much to everyone's frustration, because nobody exactly is in favour of terrorisms here. Bardiya gives us the 'yes the terrorists are morally responsible but this probably happened because the government fucked everything' angle. Ptolema gives us the 'what if it was a false flag' angle.

Ezekiel

Ezekiel deigns to show up onscreen around here. It turns out there's a reason everyone avoided him so far: he's a colossal cunt who's super fantasy-racist towards people from the other planes, and also regular-racist to people from like, literally any other country. He gets away with it because he's able to put a sock in it somewhat in front of the teachers and also good at magic. I think racists call this 'hiding your power level', but I don't think 'being racist' is some kind of cool chuuni superpower.

Hamilcar

Hamilcar is the last member of the Order that we meet. He's got a bit of a techpriest sorta vibe. His general deal is 'golemancy', meaning in this case an approach of replacing human body parts with interchangeable parts and standard interfaces rather than growing perfectly biomimetic organs with biomancy. Fittingly, he is himself a big old robed cyborg, with a breathing apparatus over his mouth and a metal eye. Definitely feels like he missed his calling as a minor JRPG antagonist.

the cute bit with the books

There's a really good scene in chapter 39 where Ran talks books with Yantho, the younger member of the servants/aspirants who talks with a tablet.

Ran talks, at first with Su, at some length about a fantasy novel about dragons. It is quite a thought-out premise in fact...

Ran shrugged. "When you read enough of this shit, all the gimmicks are basically just window dressing. What's important is imagery. Plate armor, big old-fashioned Rhunbardic castles, swords, fantasy creatures... That's what makes something typical." She yawned. "But anyway, in the actual plot, dragons have almost been hunted to extinction, which is causing a crisis since human civilization uses them for everything. They decide to start farming them instead, but the dragons always tear themselves apart rather than letting themselves be captured, and if they just steal the eggs, they die before hatching without their mother."

They talk about whether the premise - in which a special girl is made into a human dragon hybrid to breed dragons - is overly fetishistic before Ran renders her judgement...

She shrugged. "It's average. As far as I can tell, it's going for a bunch of high-minded themes about transhumanism, the cycle of hatred and violence, and society exploiting the bodies of women… But the actual delivery is pretty muddled, and falls apart amidst a bunch of stuff the author obviously only stuck in because they pressed some personal button. Also, there's a romance plot at the center of the narrative that's really pissing me off."

I like this because it's really funny to talk about the kind of book that you're reading inside the book like this. A lot of the time when fictional characters read books, it's very different books.

I sorta suspect that this is about a trunk novel that Lurina wrote? It's so specific! But maybe she's just really good at cooking up a plausibly interesting fantasy novel on the fly.

Yantho joins in and there's a whole convo about the book series. (Su angsts about how she can't really connect in the same way.) It's definitely kind of indulgent but in a way that, contra Ran's take on 'pressing personal buttons', I quite enjoy.

Fang

Finally in chapter 42 the much-delayed conclave begins and we get to see what everyone's little science projects are! Also Fang shows up.

We were already told a bit about Fang - they're a massive prodigy and also nonbinary - but what we didn't realise is that they are incredibly casual about everything. Very much 'TTRPG player who isn't getting into character' energy. They also act like they're gonna improvise their project at the very last minute.

I thought the earlier discussion of Fang implied there is some kind of recognised nonbinary identity in this world, but it seems to be less of that and more that Fang is really good at playing genderfuck. Here's how Su puts it:

It wasn't as though Fang even really asked people to refer to them in gender neutral terms, not that I would have really had a problem with it if they did-- Although that certainly didn't stop Kam and a few others from being varying degrees of shitty and passive-aggressive over the issue, as you saw back when we were grouping up outside the Aetherbridge. Rather, they just implied their feelings by presenting themselves in a way that was genuinely ambiguous. It's a delicate thing to try to put into words and probably even foolish to think about, but it really was difficult to tell what the... Makeup of their body was, uh, physically. They always wore clothes loose around the chest. They were tall, but not widely built. Their face was soft, but not small. They didn't have any facial hair, but their eyebrows were lower and thicker than you'd normally expect from a woman, and while their voice was pretty husky, it was more resonant and melodic than you'd hear from a man. Like Ran and I, Fang was Saoic - though from the Arcanocracy instead of the League - and a lot of foreigners in our extended social circle would say things like, 'oh, they're Saoic, so of course it's hard to tell!' which, aside from being vaguely offensive, was also extremely irritating, since I didn't feel like that had anything to do with it.

Su goes on for a few more paragraphs about how we parse gender and shit.

It's funny to me because... I'm someone who apparently reads a bit ambiguously in terms of gender. In my experience, people decide fairly arbitrarily what gender they think you are, and if something comes to change that impression (for me, usually my voice), they 'correct' themselves. If they're more caught up on trans shit they might ask pronouns or whatever. It's rare for someone to decide that they can't figure it out -and if they do they might be incredibly rude about it like demanding to know my gender or loudly talking about whether I'm a boy or a girl.

Fang apparently deliberately cultivates a nonbinary perception, undermining peoples' assumptions, but keeps subtle with it and doesn't actually ask anyone to use they/them. That's a hell of a fine line to walk lol.

Fang's prodigal talent also has an air of cheating to it. After some remarks from Su about how most 'prodigies' just happen to peak sooner than most (she puts an evopsych spin on this because Su is a bit too much of a lesswronger for her own good still), but aren't lifelong special talents, Su describes how Fang stood apart in schoolwork:

That wasn't how it went for them. They would come into class, sit down, and just write. Nonstop, without pausing even a second for thought. And the work was brilliant! Perfectly voiced, cited, and comprehensive to the point that it put even the wordiest of Kamrusepa's stuff to shame! And they just did it, like they were transcribing directly from the voice of God.

Certainly can't help but get the feeling that Fang might also be in on the time loop, or perhaps an even longer loop? Or maybe they have had their mind overwritten with someone as we're suspecting happened to Su? Or receiving some kind of 'external' information? Definitely seems like there's more to this than just 'Fang is good at academia'.

Anyway, they are super casual about showing up late for this all important conclave. Su's deja-vu feeling manifests into a highly specific prediction...

Fang will withdraw an item that looks like a sheathed blade, but covered in small pieces of strange, silver-white machinery. As soon as the inner circle sees it, they will react with shock and panic. Someone - in 87% of scenarios, Zeno, but sometimes Hamilcar, Anna or even Linos - will demand what they're doing with it and where they got it. Fang will explain that they were entrusted with the task of completing it by a departed member of the order, though they won't say who. Later, I will learn this was my grandfather, but that won't be until half way through the night. After this, the conclave will demand they hand the item over, but Fang will only do this under the condition they stall the conference until they've led everyone down to the sublevel to reveal its purpose. Kamrusepa will get upset and refuse to go. We'll travel to an elevator that goes deeper in the facility, and... And then...

This prediction does not exactly pan out, but we don't actually get to see what Fang's project is, because Hamilcar suddenly intervenes and sends everyone outside.

Some other shit happens before that though!

Ophelia's presentation is the main one to be narrated in detail. She's invented an external artificial liver which is kind of like a slug creature, and does a demo on herself, in which it pokes tentacles in to intercept heir failing liver. I feel like this thing is a Chekhov's gun. Also I am big into Ophelia's whole 'I will do this gross experiment on myself' thing. That's the spirit.

The witch's ultimatum

We get the equivalent of Beatrice's letter. In this case, someone hacks Kam's logic bridge during her presentation, giving a religiously inflected denouncement and ultimatum on behalf of an unnamed goddess. The message commands them to do some occult shit.

First, you shall lay this fel sanctum to waste, taking nothing with you as you abandon it save the clothes on your back! Second, you shall fall to your knees and prostrate yourself before Her glory from the break of dawn to high noon! Third, you shall make the traditional sacrifice of a black bull in the evening light, along with the proper rites! Do this, and turn your miserable lives towards virtue and godliness, and you may yet be afforded forgiveness."

If not, they'll all be killed one by one. We don't have a specific recipe for the killings as Beatrice's revival ritual in Umineko, but it's definitely a Beatricey vibe.

Su, who is one of the only two people who actually knows someone has been murdered (besides, presumably, the murderer!), has more misgivings than the rest, who broadly laugh it off.

There's also a moment of bathos at the end...

Then, the voice exhaled, and the head of the figure shifted to the side, jarringly shifting to casual, chipper tone. "That was pretty good! I really gave it my all, I think--"

Given that the Playwright later claims to have had a cameo, I'm inclined to think it's her 'playing' this ultimatum-giver? Though what that means for the 'integrity' of the scenario I'm not sure!

And then things get crazy

During this recess, Neferuaten comes out to chat with Su and Ran and Ptolema. Ran decides to take the chance to grill her on the real purpose of the facility, because most of what we've been told about it doesn't add up. It probably isn't underwater on the next lower plane. She concludes that the real reason for building a bunch of underwater domes here is something hidden in the caves underneath.

Neferuaten's answer is... to go on a long metaphysical tangent. So it turns out that before making this new universe, the humans in the 'timeless' space of the Tower of Asphodel made some observations of the 'depressed' physics of the post-collapse universe they'd left (seems like the commenters suggesting false vacuum collapse were probably right on the money). They essentially had to wait out the entire heat death of the universe before making a new one (presumably taking no subjective time). So they left some kind of monitoring devices in there creating effectively a complete record of the entire history of the old universe. It's considered a niche interest.

Someone called Saahdia made a study of this data and discovered patterns.

"Of course, I'm simplifying something very complex. One thing I hope you've learned by this point is that, in all forms of scholarly inquiry, nothing is ever clear cut. There were many false positives, and natural occurrences mistaken for something more. But the further she invesigated, the more she found anomalies which could not be easily explained. And the more those anomalies, too, began to form a recognizable pattern." She smiled distantly. "Just not one you usually see in interstellar physics. And then she reported that to Ubar, who ordered an investigation of the corresponding interplanar data--" (...) "What she started to suspect," Neferuaten explained. "was that, though in a form impossibly alien to human beings, entropy is conscious."

This is like... lmao crank shit but it's fine, it's a scifi story, we can have a little conscious entropy as a treat.

Still, it's time to talk physics a bit.

Seems that post I wrote about entropy is going to be very relevant huh. As discussed previously, entropy is a fairly unintuitive quantity that measures how large-scale averaged out models of a system relate to fully specifying every single one of its degrees of freedom.

The 'thermodynamic arrow of time' says that, in the direction we define to be increasing time, entropy always increases. This is justified by a statistical argument: when you have a huge enough number of particles ergodically exploring the states of a system, there are so vastly many more ways for entropy to increase than for it to not increase that the chance of it not increasing is infinitesimal. (This simple argument is considerably complicated by the issue of CPT symmetry, which says the laws of physics work the same way if you run time backwards. That would be too long a tangent for this blog post about a book.)

In thermodynamics, entropy is one of a number of state variables that describe a system. In classical thermodynamics, you form differential equations, relating changes in entropy to changes in other quantities such as internal energy, temperature, volume etc.

So what is entropy? Well, it's not some kind of cosmic processor that is monitoring the micro-level physics of everything. It's a statistical property that crops up in complicated evolving systems.

In our world, that is. In Su's world, entropy is some kind of god. So that's neat.

Naturally all the characters raise similar objections. Here's how Su describes known physics in her future:

"Um…" I said, hesitating as I was put on the spot despite the superficial simplicity of the question. "Well, as far as we know, the Timeless Realm, which contains all fundamental matter, has always existed - along with the 10 conventional dimensional forces, which intersect and overlap with each other around the matter. Some of those intersections were asymmetrical, creating instability and the 11th special dimensional force, time. The process of those intersections breaking down created the phenomena we describe as energy and mass, which at some point led to the first planes. Ours in particular came about when a large amount of energy was discharged from from somewhere else in the inter-dimensional landscape, and--"

We should probably talk a bit about dimensions here. A spatial dimension is basically an direction that something can vary, orthogonal to the other directions. e.g. to reach every point in a 3D space you need at least three non-coplanar basis vectors to add up. In a higher dimensional space, there are more directions to go in.

Mathematics has been describing higher dimensional geometry for centuries. This made its way back to physics around the turn of the 20th century. You had special relativity, which mixes space and time depending on your velocity, defining a 4D 'spacetime'. You also had formulations like Lagrangian mechanics which reformulated Newton's mechanics into a more abstract model of 'state variables', with as many as you'd need to solve your problem.

Much later in the 20th century, attempts to create a unified model of quantum field theory and gravity started observing that their theory could be really mathematically elegant if you added a bunch of extra spacetime dimensions. The problem was that we can't observe these dimensions - we can't move along them and they don't have any observable effect on shit like gravity. A solution for this issue is to say that all these extra space dimensions might loop back on themselves over an incredibly tiny scale. Supersymmetric string theory supposes that there would be 10 dimensions (the 4 regular spacetime ones + 6 extra ones which are all twisted up in something called a Calabi-Yau manifold), other theories add more.

I should say here that, despite decades of research effort and increasingly gigantic particle accelerators, we have found zero evidence for supersymmetry, which makes things dicey for string theory - a body of theoretical work that was already hard to meaningfully test in the first place. So '10 spacetime dimensions' is far from proven physics.

While I'm at it, since it's come up, a brane is basically a hypersurface of some dimension, that propagates through a higher-dimensional space. It's a generalisation of notions like 'particle' (point moving through spacetime) and 'string' (line moving through spacetime). String theory uses this mathematical construct heavily - notably, within string theory our universe could be a specific type of brane with various strings attached to it in a way that allows it to produce quantum mechanics from the way the strings and branes interact.

So, in Flower, the 'planes' seem to have been identified with the physics concept of 'brane'. In practice they function more like the classical fantasy notion of 'planes of existence', other worlds that you can travel to where the rules are different.

Now, let's go back to Su's summary. I don't really get what she means by 'dimensional forces' here, particularly when she describes time as a 'force'. The 'process of those intersections breaking down' is probably a way of describing the Higgs mechanism and spontaneous symmetry breaking. The 'large amount of energy' is presumably a reference to the Big Bang (the hot dense state at the beginning of our universe), coupled with the idea that the energy came from 'somewhere else'. Further, Su seems to be suggesting that they exist in a brane cosmology, in which our universe is a brane in a higher-dimensional space, and there could be other universes.

Su's description is kinda muddled tbh - it feels like the interpolation of someone who reads popular science magazines rather than a physicist.

Anyway, here's how Su defines entropy:

"But we do know what entropy is," I insisted. "It's just an emergent quality of energy in some planes in which gravity is exceeded by motion in terms of potential force, without anything else to taper it. You taught me that countless times yourself."

This seems somewhat odd to me - I'm not entirely sure why gravity would enter into it. I think it might have to do with conflating the thermodynamic arrow of time (the 'direction' along which entropy increases) and the cosmological arrow of time (the 'direction' in which the universe expands), since the expansion of the universe is determined by the balance of matter and energy in the universe.

'Emergent quality of energy' is somewhat accurate. Entropy could be more aptly said to be an emergent quality of any model that treats matter in the aggregate, abstracting over details. An atom in a gas interacting with other atoms has no concept of entropy in its dynamics. If you were able to perfectly track and simulate every single particle, you would not need entropy.

Since it's so contextually defined, it's rather difficult to describe entropy as a kind of entity that could be afforded a will. Neferuaten's response is to play the allegory of the cave card, something which Ran calls her on:

"This is the second time in the past five minutes that you've basically repackaged the allegory of the cave and presented it as your own concept," Ran said flatly. "Just putting that out there."

Kind of love this line.

However, despite the characters grilling Neferatuen on an idea which Su correctly calls 'closer to mysticism than natural philosophy', the fact that this is given so much time in the narrative seems to fairly strongly suggest that, as far as this story is concerned, entropy is a conscious entity or process or something.

Presumably, whatever the Order are about to try to do, they're going to change how entropy behaves so that it 'wants' to keep humans alive indefinitely. Somehow this is going to involve the Everblossom. I will say, that is a proper scale of magnum opus for a setting like this.

Neferuaten is honestly pretty up front about all this. She's like 'yep we're playing with fire and probably courting an x-risk*, but don't worry, we know what we're doing'.

"I'm just trying to be upfront, miss Rheeds," Neferuaten said. "I'm happy to be known as hypocritical, selfish, or even foolish, but the one thing that makes my stomach churn is the idea of miss Hoa-Trinh, and of course you and Utsuhikome, walking away from this conversation with the impression that we're all megalomaniacs without any degree of mindfulness of we're doing. It has been, if nothing else, among my foremost goals to promote self-awareness among the administration of this organization."

As upfront as she might be trying to be, she lapses back into the cryptic bullshit and refuses to explain much more about how the Order came to this mysterious location beyond 'there is an Ironworker thing here' that they can use to observe and interact with entropy, I guess.

Anyway, all of this ends with Neferuaten declaring that as long as she lives, no danger will come to Su et al. Signing her own death warrant with those words.

Neferuaten dies

So then Su sees the beaky thing and blacks out. When she comes to, she tries to figure out what she saw - about this point we also get another visit from the Playwright, who explains that Su can't have her perceptions messed with until we are shown the mechanism that would do it - and then Lilith shows up and drags her to go find help. The warning bell is going off. Su goes to shut it off. And we get... our second death!!

Su also learns that as far as other characters were concerned, she seemed mostly normal. It seems therefore that she's suffered amnesia rather than actually being unconscious. Maybe her alter took over? Or maybe her visit to Samium didn't take as well as she hoped?

We also get some new rules, including coloured text. Red text (actually a darker red, but this is the only one I have on here) is used to describe Su finding a corpse that is absolutely definitely the corpse of that specific person, ruling out misidentifications, subsitutes etc. whoops, I misremembered that part! the only guarantee we get is that they're human remains and dead, but not whose human remains they are. (so this could be someone else who died and then, say, post-mortem transformed to look like neferatuen).

We also get to have new POVs, starting with an academic guy from an early chapter who seems to know more than he was letting on. These segments begin with a letter in purple text if we're supposed to treat them as reliable.

Considering Su blacked out for most of the relevant period, I'm not sure if we're supposed to really be able to solve any of the 'dunnit' questions at this point. What we know is that someone killed Neferuaten and stuffed her body in the bell. Why? Well we have a 'witch narrative' (the members of the Order will be killed one by one if they don't do ritual blah), and we also have reasons to suspect there could be conflict within the order. The thing is nobody has an alibi at this point - about the only people it's unlikely to be are Lilith (who was probably near Su) and Linos (who is established as unable to climb the stairs of the belltower, though then again these are all flying wizards here).

We also learn about a thing called the Allagiypnou Process, which reduces how much you have to sleep at the risk of potential personality changes. Every member of the Order except Linos has had it.

So not much to say just yet. I liked Neferuaten. But we already know it's a time loop story, so I'm sure she'll be back in a future loop.

The Playwright and the Director and final mysteries

The story is getting increasingly frequent interruptions from the Playwright and the Director, adding an increasingly metafictional dimension to this. This is not really surprising if you're an Umineko-head, but it does seem to be causing a certain amount of consternation in the comments.

I definitely suspect there is more to these characters than merely a cutesy way to inform us of the rules of the Fair Play mystery we're allegedly supposed to be solving. There are obvious questions like - who is the audience? What is the connection of the characters to the situation? If this is all being orchestrated, to what end?

Given the earlier declaration that entropy is sentient, I wonder if this is some kind of anthropomorphised representation of the 'will' of entropy? But that seems kinda cheap.

Anyway, we end with another set of reveals - Nindar, the academic back at the uni which they all left behind, is clearly in on whatever conspiracy is afoot here, and had a hand in bringing Fang and their mysterious object with the goal of changing the mission of the Order.

And also apparently the boys' group didn't even go up the space elevator.

So like what does that imply?? Are all the boys replaced with imposters? If the boys didn't go up the lift, but made their way to the Sanctuary by some other means, why do they all seem to remember going up the space elevator and following a similar route to the girls?

I honestly have no idea at this point. Feels like way too many unknowns to reason deductively about.

In conclusion

Sure are a lot of balls in the air right now. I'm fascinated to see where they might land.

Maybe let's make a list of like, known mysteries?

the big one: what skulduggery happened with Su's ascension that made it go so badly wrong? why did Ran react so badly to knowing that Su can't assimilate? what did Su's grandfather have to do with it?

who knocked out Yantho and ruined his roast?

whodunnit #1: who killed the cook, and why?

who hacked Kam's phone with the ultimatum, and why?

what happened between Su blacking out from seeing Beaky, and waking up in bed in the evening? (what did Samium do to her?)

whodunnit #2: who killed Neferatuen? why? when?

what crazy Great Work are the Order plotting? how's the Everblossom involved?

what's under the Sanctuary that's so big and important?

how did the Order come to the Sanctuary? there's clearly a story there.

who is Su's unnamed friend from the beach in the flashbacks?

what are the Playwright and the Director playing at? (are they secretly Gog-Agog?)

what does Balthazar know?

what's Fang hiding?

who's Beaky?

what does the terrorist attack have to do with the Conclave?

There's probably more I'm forgetting right now.

Not sure how many of these - if any! - we're supposed to be able to infer at this point in the narrative, but it's definitely a spicy brew!

I expect the bodies are going to hit the floor pretty quickly from this point, but who knows... we're still quite early on in this affair.

...phew, these writeups are a bit of a project. I've gotten everything down now I think, so I can finally let myself read the next chapter.

[luci-cunt]

ALSO DROP YOUR RECS FOR GETTING INTO DSMP FOR MAI AND ALSO FOR THE PEOPLE BC MINE ARE BAD AND NOT HELPFUL

k i’m avoiding like 4 assignments by doing this thank kyou so much but!

HERE’S A MASTERPOST FOR PPL WANTING TO GET INTO DSMP SHIT

lol bc there’s like, so god damned much of it and it’s super overwhelming I don’t blame u for being intimidated. (DISCLAIMER: y’all im not an expert, the only pov’s I really watch are Techno’s, Tommy’s, Tubbo’s, and Fundy’s so take my advice with a grain of salt. Also I’m so sorry but I don’t have the time to put actual links on everything T-T plz forgive)

First of all: I’m separating y’all into squads so listen up and remember your squad bc half the fun of DSMP is curating your own watching experience

PRO squad: you like lore heavy streams that are still fun but have ppl acting more often than not and putting lots of effort into making their characters/ stories complex? You go here. You’re gonna want to stick with Ranboo streams. Wilbur Soot’s also a good option, and Badboyhalo too OH AND Karl!!. 

-Sub categories: 

Kid friendly wholesome: badboyhalo is the most wholesome, rn he’s goin thru a villain arc but he’s still very kid friendly and wholesome Chaotic and angsty: Wilbur’s ur guy, rn he’s doin a ghost arc and it’s angsty as hell but also chaotic as fuck. He’s a fantastic storyteller tho with great lore Angsty but wholesome: Ranboo also an excellent motherfucker who’s puts so much effort into his streams down to specific music/ hidden easter eggs just--everything he’s great Scripted and SLAPPING: Karl’s “Tales from the SMP” FUCK, I think there’s only one ep out rn?? and it takes place in the future of DSMP. 

BUILD squad: you like watching blockmen stack blocks into cool shapes but also want a lil taste of story? Philza Minecraft, and Awesamdude have your back babey. (Tubbo is also kind of on this list but he’s getting his own category)

-Sub categories

Dad vibes but make them bloodthirsty: Philza! He’ll blow up a city cuz it sounds like fun but also says things like “save your money for a house first Tubbo, then think about buying a Ferrari.” Also he’s a fucking incredible builder and he spent 5 years on one hardcore world turnign the end into a giant ocean biomb go watch that video it’s worth it Dad vibes but make them capitalist: Awesamdude!!! He built the most insane prison on the server and he’s adorable

ENTERTAIN ME squad: do you not know basically anything about minecraft and just want to be entertained? You like a bit of lore but not having everything be super serious all the time? Techno, Tubbo, Tommy, and Fundy are the bastards for you

-Sub categories

UNADULTURATED CHAOS but intellectually: Techno. He’s basically a chaos god who has no qualms putting in literally months worth of time and dedication into practically meaninglessly funny goals. Anarchist pig with fashion sense--what’s not to love? Chaos, lore, angst, hilarity: FUNNDDDYYY!!!!! He’s fucking hilarious, also really good at character stuff??? I love him, haven’t watched many of his streams yet but they slap Chill, turn on in the background vibe: Tubbo!!! Literally Tubbo is just so chill until every once in a while he snaps and goes mad scientist it’s great. He’s literally anxiety relief in the form of a 17 year old, 12/10, also will whip out fucking excellent lore skills out of nowhere. I get bored easily by streams: TOMMY!!! This kid honestly has no right being fucking hilarious, he’s a bit abrasive but I promise it grows on you. He’ll make 2 hour long streams seem like 5 minutes and your lungs will be on the verge of collapsing. Also able to kill it with lore.

this was rushed I’m so sorry but I need to go read like four more scholarly essays and take an environmental science quiz on a chapter I never read so wish me luck and enjoy!! <33

(oh also also: if u don’t wanna watch 2hr long streams there’s also TONS of highlight channels on youtube dedicated to posting lore highlights/ funny moments/ etc. DreamSMP Daily is the first one that popped up in my youtube feed but there’s tons and I promise as soon as u start watching dsmp vids they’ll be all over your recommended’s)

k byeee

[arctimon]

@ficsinhistory said:                                                                

So I was reading your most recent post about Sam. And as Megan in part I almost never got over Hiro and I'm here to add two more cents of angst, lol. I think Dodie's Adored by Him song would go very well with Megan and the ideas behind her, after all Megan and her story deserve to be explored. Truth be told, Karmi is the love of the genius boy's life, they are each other's balance, and Megan knows it and doesn't even resent it. But, man, that must hurt! And that is what the song says. I'm sure Megan is very fond of Karmi and that they would be good friends, aside from the fact that she likes to see Hiro happy with Biotech and supports them. But, I think that especially at the beginning, when Karmi and Hiro made things official, it must have been the most difficult, since Megan would have known that all chances would have been officially closed. Seriously, you look at those two and see that they are a match made in Heaven.

I think it would be a little inevitable to compare herself with Karmi.  Let's put ourselves in Megan's place. She has a crush on one of her best friends who is a cutie pie. Intelligent, funny, kind, courageous. A real superhero. But, he likes someone else. This other person is a girl who is not only beautiful, but she is also a young genius who manages to understand him in a way she never could and who is super talented and visibly makes him shine with joy. Megan can't even compete against that.

And she has to deal. So this is basically my HC! Thanks for listening! 

I think your analysis of Megan pretty much hits it right on the head. Megan, as good as a character she is and all that, is still playing second fiddle to Karmi, and that’s something that I think people don’t always seem to understand.

When Megan first got introduced, people were very quick to throw her onto equal ground with Karmi and immediately get her into the “OMG is she his new girlfriend?” category. You know.  The “Aunt Cass” people. But equating Megan to Karmi was never going to happen.  It’s a lesson that Hiro learned himself (about himself) in “Something’s Fishy”.

Hiro is not normal.  Megan, for all intents and purposes, is normal.  And that’s why it was never going to work out.  That’s something that I wanted to showcase in my stories, and it’s what @ficsinhistory pointed out in their Ask above. It’s also something that Megan is going to hang onto whenever I get around to The Future.

So in The Future, Megan is a workaholic.  She works for Channel 7 News as a reporter, and has been there for a while.  She’s still friends with everyone, she still gets with them from time to time, and she’s a very successful woman in her field.  But she’s become so much of a workhorse that she’s almost alienated herself from everyone.

I do agree that Megan and Karmi would be good friends.  And Megan would never say out loud anything bad about her and Hiro and them essentially being soulmates, because she doesn’t want to be, as I’ve quoted before, “that girl”.

But being happy for them is more important than being resentful. So Megan goes to the wedding, has a great time, sees Hiro and Karmi come together in holy matrimony and all that jazz...and moves on in the only way she knows how: with work.

As you see everyone grow up and get married and have kids, Megan doesn’t do any of that latter stuff.  She works herself to the bone, and for what?  A shiny “Reporter of the Year” award on the wall? Or three (because overkill)?

That’s why I brought up the story in the works involving her and Sam Wilson.  I want to show that it’s never too late to find someone special, and that is what Sam is eventually going to be for her.  When I was looking at potential partners for Megan, one of the very first ones I thought of was Sam.  I know his characterization from the comics and the movies, and he’s smart, caring, quick-witted, and (like Megan) holds a little resentment toward people in his circle. Having PTSD and counseling others who are going through it doesn’t help either. But as Megan is “normal”, she needs someone “normal” to get her out of her funk, and I think that’s what Sam can bring to the table. Going back to Megan and Karmi for a second, it is a shame that proposed Karmi arc by the creators of the show never happened, because if it had, then that means we probably would have had Megan back as well.  And if those two had met in the show, hoo boy. Hiro would have nowhere to hide. This is the kind of character development that I adore, and it’s a shame that we never got it in the show proper.  Megan watching as the guy that she likes go with his soulmate and living with it. People seem to think that since I’m a hardcore Karmiro person that I automatically hate Megan.  I don’t.  I love Megan.  But she’s not the character that everyone thought she would be.  And now we aren’t going to see her any longer. At least animated.  Perhaps she can write her own legacy in fanfiction...

[hopeswriting]

Modern AU (Adult!)Arcobaleno on socials media though. While Flames and mafia are definitely still a thing.

Now I’m by no means well acquainted to all the different popular socials media, but here’s my humble take:

Reborn on Instagram.

He only has pictures of Leon first and foremost, with him in the background in one of his ridiculous but very well-made cosplay. Leon of course also wears the same cosplay as him.

He never shows his full face in any of the pictures, but just enough his followers know he’s handsome as fuck.

The artists/photoshoppers among them regularly put the pieces together to see how he could look like, but in a funny-and-obviously-purposefully-wrong way only.

Reborn loves them and saves them all.

------

Once in a blue moon he does post a picture of himself where you can see him clearly all dressed up and fancy, and then immediately deletes it.

But only after he’s sure it has been seen, so he can watch his followers lose their shit while drinking a nice espresso.

They try hard, but so far none of them managed to save any of the pictures before he deletes them.

------

Often there’s what suspiciously looks like blood stains on their clothes and straight up dead bodies lying in the background, but Reborn went so passive-aggressive with the few who dared to ask, everyone is too afraid to ask now.

Anyone who badmouths Leon in any way is instantly blocked. But only after Reborn ripped them a new one AND let his followers do it too.

*

Skull on Twitter and Snapchat.

He tweets the most random, out of nowhere, highly worrying things, that always sent his followers in a frenzy trying to figure out why the fuck he would think of any of this in the first place??

“aren’t you ever tried of your solid, rigid, restrictive bones? don’t you want to just be Luffy from One Piece, a rubber being that can shape themself in whatever way they wish?”

or:

“nobody ever tells you this, but the stress of picking apart melted leather from your burnt skin before it heals is VERY worth the adrenaline of making fire your BITCH”

or:

“is it REALLY illegal if you break in and eat the food but leave money behind??”

------

That’s just his Twitter only followers though.

The ones on Snapchat have the privilege to watch him stumble head first step by step to his tweets, and are actually very involved and active spectators that keep him out of jail, or killing himself, or killing someone else.

Skull, recording a video, halfway stuck in between two buildings: What’s up guys, there're these guys following me and trying to kill me, quick tell me what bones to break so I can fit in there.

see also:

Skull, riding his bike, both of them suspiciously wet, holding a lighter in his hand: You guys ready for this sick fire stunt I came up with?? If everything goes well I should only get second to third degree burns, let’s do this!!!

see also:

A picture of Skull lying on a roof, his arms full of snacks and his mouth stuffed with food, with police cars in the background, that says: send tips to make sure there’s always food in your fridge for when you need it the most. #midnightsnack #snitchesgetstitches #justsaying

see also:

A picture of Skull crouched in front of a body, posing, that says: don’t worry guys we’re just faking, but hypothetically, if you were to hide a body as quick as possible from here without being seen, what would you do? #hypotheticallyseriousanswersonly #hypotheticallythecopsaremaybeontheirway #quickanswersappreciated

*

Verde on Facebook.

He creates a public group with only him as member that’s basically his scientific diary.

It’s not really to invite intellectual challenging debates (though he’d be all for it if someone smart enough showed up), but he figures it’s in his best interest to make the world a less dumb place if he can.

It finds his public, though there’s only a few comments because god forbid you say something dumb or inaccurate and Verde fucking annihilates you in the comment section.

But like, in a teacher way. Like he’s genuinely trying to make you know better but he’s just ruthless at it lmao.

Verde uses a fake name and a fake everything so there’s quickly a running joke along the lines of “Imagine if it’s really the genius scientist Verde running the group and you just outed yourself as a flat earther lol”.

------

But what gets the group really popular is the in depth flames theory involving weather of all things they have to assume he came up with it all on his own because they can’t figure out to save their lives what the hell he’s talking about?

And it makes them question their sanity sometimes because Verde talks about it like it’s the most obvious thing and in the context of just about every basic aspects of life.

Cue the conspirators and their hot new take of “the aliens were among us all along and hid themselves as the WEATHER!!!” that instantly turns into the new popular meme.

That, and the transcripts posts of Verde trying his theories that nine out of ten apparently involves very unwilling participants whose life are threatened and sometimes they straight up DIE???

------

They think both of these is just him fucking with them and it’s all fictional. They want to think it is anyway.

They’re not so sure, but everyone is too afraid to ask.

*

Colonnello on Snapchat.

70% of his content is about Lal because this man is so in love and it’s like he’s a guest on his own account lol.

There’s the “Pining Hard” content where it’s just him trying to seduce Lal, to romance her and asking her out, and Lal brushing all of it off more often than not.

His followers are very invested in this “old bickering married couple type of best friends in oblivious mutual pining” real live action slow burn fic, and cheers him hard whenever Lal reciprocates the tiniest bit.

------

They don’t know the two are already together.

They think Lal brushing him off or flirting back but in an unmistakably joking/”platonic” way is just her being oblivious and not taking Colonnello seriously.

When she would just rather flirt back off camera because it’s her private life thank you very much.

Colonnello never tells them because he assumes they all know and just choose to be in on the joke.

Lal finds it hilarious whenever she goes through his Snapchat (with his permission of course) to find numerous messages of encouragement, so she never says either.

------

But one day she kind of just steals a kiss from him while he’s recording because she wanted to, and his followers lose their shit.

Lal laughs herself to tears and laughs for days.

------

The other Lal’s related content is the “Lal’s loving hours”, where he just takes pictures of her/records her doing random shit---whether it's her making a disaster out of the kitchen, or wearing three pairs of socks because her feet are cold, or beating the shit out of someone---and him doing heart eyes at the camera.

------

Otherwise it’s just him living his life and letting them in on what happens.

There’s a lot of pictures because he’s handsome and he knows it and he likes the compliments aqsdfghj.

Or videos of him going on and on about how energy drinks are really the best drink ever while doing grocery.

Or ranting videos about how bullets wounds are such a pain to deal with and showing himself patching himself up to show how it’s done (thanks??!!??).

Or him watching series and roasting the characters for their dumb decisions.

Or him commenting in real time an assassination attempt on him in the middle of the night in his own fucking home because the fucker sure is ballsy (????!!!!!!???).

It’s very popular too because of how relatable it is.

Well, most of the time anyway.

*

Viper on Youtube.

They have a DIY type of channel, mostly about fashion---what they think about the new products/clothes they bought from their favorite brand, their thoughts on the new fashion trend, their makeup/skin care routine and favorite outfits for various circumstances, or they’re often on live while going shopping.

(I just really like Fashionista!Viper okay.)

They play videos games too, thinking they’re being very good while being very average to not say they straight up suck asdfghj.

Occasionally do reaction videos too.

------

Like Reborn they hardly ever show their face. Actually they don’t show it at all lol. They wear masks to do their videos because a hood is not very reliable.

How do they do their makeup videos then you ask?

They use "volunteer" as models of course.

And by volunteers I mean the Varia qsdftgyhjkl.

------

They also have another very peculiar brand of videos that is the most popular one on their channel. The titles of these videos include but are not limited to:

“A Due Payment Of Yours Is Late? How To Hunt Them For Sport”

“A Little Bitch Doesn’t Respect Your Pronouns/Chosen Name? Step By Step On How To Make Them Shut The Fuck Up Forever”

“How To Efficiently Remove Blood And Various Others Human Residue From Your Clothes”

“Faking Your Death And Taking On A New Identity: Step By Step Tutorial”

“How To Take Over Your Friends Brains And Watch Them Prank Themselves ft. The Varia”

*

Fon on Tumblr.

His blog becomes known as a shitpost blog or a blog run by a bot when really, everything he posts is about actual, very real events that happened in his life.

Except he vague posts every time because he really wants to keep his anonymity.

He posts about the hardships of learning more and more martial arts and staying at the top of the art, and sounds like some dangerous psychopath.

“The body is such a fragile thing, isn’t it? It tends to break quite easily unfortunately. You’d think I’d know that by then, but I really need to remember it more often so I can keep enjoying myself.”

He’s talking about how he always pushes himself too much in training and ends up injuring himself.

“Everyday I dispose of them and reasserts my superiority, and everyday they come back and it’s really hard to not hurt them beyond repair.”

He’s talking about how he’s often challenged by other martial artists who don’t like him being the best and how he always has to beat them up bloody for them to give up.

He also posts about his family's live except it’s the Hibari’s family live, and he doesn’t sound more sane of mind at all.

“I made the mistake of taking Kyo with me on my grocery trip and picked on his tell-tale signs of going through a bad day too late.

But fortunately the shop is still standing and no one was heavily injured.”

or:

“It’s so heartwarming to see Kyo make friends. The brown haired kid didn’t put much of a fight but the one with the pineapple haircut has potential.

He almost managed to stab him that one time, and I can’t wait to tease Kyo about it. He’s very cute when annoyed and embarrassed.”

or:

“Often I look back to the day Kyo got his tonfa and I am always infinitely grateful for this not-so-easy-to-kill-with weapon.

I would like for him to at least finish high school first.”

Yeah it’s very often about Kyoya lmao. And no one knows for sure what in the world a “Kyo” is supposed to be???

An actual human being is NOT the most popular theory qsdfghn.

*

Lal on TikTok.

I guess?? I’m kind of running out of ideas lol, and I know very little about TikTok.

But I’m thinking she makes a series of videos where she looks straight into the camera like she’s on The Office while some bullshit or the other happens in the background.

And it’s not even always her friends or coworkers or Colonnello (yeah he has a category of his own lmao).

As far as she is concerned everyone who chooses to be a fucking dumbass in her vicinity is asking for it aqsdfghj.

------

Also has a “Doing paperwork” series, and the later at night she’s doing it, the more she’s absolutely fucking done with people not being able to do their job properly without collateral damage.

She dryly reads out loud the highlights of the reports and goes straight for their lives lol.

But as funny as it is, everyone is more interested in the very questionable out of context content of these reports???

------

Also does workout videos, as in she demonstrates how to do this one or other exercise, and if these do particularly well it has nothing to do with how people want to look respectfully at her body, of course not.

ALSO has a “Colonnello’s Loving Hours” series because you better believe this woman is also so much in love.

She records him when he’s simply existing---whether he’s snuggling besides her while they’re watching TV, or dancing in the kitchen while cooking, or cleaning his guns---while looking at the camera with this tender, content expression on her face.

*

They become known as the Weather Lovers because boy, do these people like to go on about their favorite weather. Some shipping might even be involved??

It’s how their community introduces them to each other.

Cue even more chaos on their respective socials medias.

Viper’s video of their first meeting is the most popular one on their channel.

*

Yeah I know, I didn’t add the Sky Arco ladies, but I have no idea what they could do. Pinterest maybe? Or Vine? Dunno, they’re all yours guys lol.

[notveryglittery]

mistakes are made

summary: maybe don’t prank your boyfriend’s brother, especially if he already doesn’t really like you. ships: romantic roceit, brotherly anxceit, rivalry (?) prinxiety / words: 1,500 warnings: technically, a character gets shot by what is technically gun, but no one is actually hurt. lemme know if anything needs tagging! notes: wrote this to bribe @sher-soc-the-famder​ into finishing homework >:3 human au, i guess sort of youtuber au, too? it’s kinda plotless, just some good old fashioned fluff!! enjoy!! (i know the tenses are messy lol sorry)

@fandersfic-roceit @fandersfic-anxceit @fandersfic-prinxiety

—   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —

Roman thought he was perfectly charming, thank you very much! Why, it was right there in his last name. Roman Prince. Prince Charming. See! He was an absolute gentleman, if he did say so himself. And, well, if you didn’t believe him, you could always ask his big brother! Patton said it all the time! He said that Roman was kind and chivalrous and passionate. He said that Roman cared about the people he loved! 

If only all older brothers were as sweet as Patton was. 

It hadn’t even been Roman’s idea, first of all! ��� Mostly. Okay, so it hadn’t been his own original idea but it might have been his idea to give it a try. He’d done plenty of research, though, in making sure that it was safe and that neither of them would get hurt! He was far too attached to Damien to even imagine letting him get injured. It was going to make for a really cool video, okay? Both of their channels had been lacking in content lately, what with being busy with college; this way, they’d each have a video to post! The plan was that they’d be shot from very different point of views with titles that were just enough clickbait without actually being false. 

“my boyfriend shoots my brother” was true, technically, even if it was going to put Roman in Virgil’s bad graces for a little while. It wasn’t like it’d be all that big a difference, to be fair, since Virgil definitely still kinda sorta hated Roman on some level. No amount of insisting from Damien would convince Roman otherwise. Despite the fact that they’d been dating for nearly a year now (with even more time as each other’s closest rivals), Virgil still had yet to warm up to Roman. He wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve the dagger-filled glares, to be honest, but Roman was nothing if not resilient! 

(And charming, in case you forgot. He’d worm his way into Virgil’s heart eventually!) 

“confetti cannon gone wrong” really didn’t even begin to cover the premise of Roman’s video. Listen, though, you don’t just find a pretty pink confetti cannon slash gun at the thrift store and not buy it. He’d checked online afterwards and found that they ran well over two hundred dollars and this one had only cost him fifty! The best part was that it actually worked. After he and Patton had cleaned up that mess, Roman had video called Damien and… Alright, well, between you and me, this really had all been Roman’s original idea. He wasn’t one to half-ass his vlogs but if asked, surely it had been done before by some other popular Youtuber, and look Virgil, it wasn’t all him, he’d just been inspired!

“What if I shoot Virgil with a confetti cannon? I’ll even get it in purple and black!”

Damien normally had a very good poker face but apparently the idea of messing with his brother had peaked his interest. Roman swooned at the grin that lit up his boyfriend’s face. “That is a terrible idea. Let’s do it and see what happens.” 

Which led them here, cameras hidden in Virgil’s room to capture every glorious second. It’d have to be quick, Damien had said, because Virgil was far too aware of his surroundings for them to successfully sneak around for long. Making the executive decisions to skip classes that day, Damien and Roman cleared enough space in Virgil’s closet for Roman to hide in. It was significantly more difficult to make sure there was enough room for the confetti cannon, but they managed. Somehow. Let’s chalk it up to the fact that they’re both dangerously creative. 

If Virgil was suspicious of Damien being home on a day he’d normally have rehearsal, he didn’t say anything about it. If anything, it was the fact that Damien was filming in the kitchen. Nothing good ever came from Damien’s vlogs. Virgil shuddered just thinking about the sibling tag video they’d done last year. Sure enough, the moment Virgil was kicking his shoes off in the entryway, Damien was sidling up beside him.

“Oh dearest brother, won’t you tell my darlings what antics you’ve been up to lately?” Damien asked, practically simpering. 

Virgil squinted at him before turning the distrustful stare towards the camera. “You know, the usual. Putting the fear of God into freshies, inciting agitation in my professors for being opinionated, hacking Lyft reviews and fixing driver ratings if they got one star just for ‘not smiling enough.’ Nothing new.”

“Truly, a man of the people.” 

Virgil rolled his eyes. 

“And how’s starboy?” 

Damien delighted in the way his brother went red at the simple mention of his crush. 

“I’M GOING TO MY ROOM,” he announced loudly, disappearing from the frame so quickly, he might as well have been a cryptid avoiding being caught on tape. 

Which… isn’t entirely inaccurate. 

“Too easy,” Damien said, laughing under his breath. “Now, darlings, comes the fun part.” 

Now imagine with me, if you will, cutting to Roman’s video. Virgil storming into his room, muttering things like “stupid soft hair” and “eyes like glittering constellations.” Throwing his backpack aside and then throwing himself onto his bed and screaming into a pillow. 

Roman very nearly lost his composure at the sight of normally so stoic, so edgy Virgil having a meltdown over a cute boy. He would cut this while editing, of course, it wasn’t like he needed Virgil to hate him any more, but like hell he didn’t plan on using it as blackmail in the future. 

You might be wondering, “where does the ‘gone wrong’ come in?” 

Well, nowhere in their plans had they anticipated Virgil opening the closet doors himself. Roman shooting his boyfriend’s brother was supposed to be from a distance, maybe with him sitting at his computer, or while lounging in bed. He was not supposed to have shot Virgil directly in the chest while screaming half in terror and half in shock. Virgil was not supposed to stumble backwards, trip over his backpack, and fall onto the pile of blankets and pillows he’d shoved off of his bed and onto the floor this morning. This puts him entirely out of shot, by the way, leaving the viewer wondering whether or not he’s alive.

Roman, still screaming as he scrambled out of the closet and grabbed the camera, running out of the room would not ease any worries the viewers might have. 

Of course, Roman screaming was not part of the plan either, and so Damien had some concerns. “I wonder if my brother has finally murdered my boyfriend,” he would say, perfectly casual despite the sudden racing of his heart. 

“I SHOT HIM,” Roman shouted the moment his eyes landed on Damien. “Oh my GOD, he’s DEAD.” 

Before either could say much else, Virgil came stomping into the living room. “I’m not dead but you’re about to be.” (The threat didn’t carry much weight seeing as he was covered in confetti but we won’t tell him that.) 

“Now, now,” Damien said, stifling his laughter at the fact that Roman was cowering behind him. Oh, his poor sweet brave prince. “Maybe instead, Roman could do something to make it up to you?”

“Babe!” Roman hissed. 

Virgil crossed his arms over his chest. “He could break up with you so I never have to see his stupid face ever again.” 

Damien double checked to make sure his camera was still running. He couldn’t wait to use this to humiliate Virgil in front of Logan. 

“That’s hardly fair,” Damien responded, pouting. “I love him, you know.” 

Roman squeaked. 

“He owes me Chipotle for a month.” 

“Wh-!”

“Two months.” 

“I am a broke college freshman!”  

Virgil’s raised eyebrows and his slow lifting of three fingers shuts Roman up.

“I think that’s acceptable,” Damien concurred solemnly. He looked over his shoulder at Roman. “Is that alright with you, dear?” 

For a moment, silence followed as Virgil and Roman glared at each other. Damien would interrupt with a loud, over exaggerated sigh if he wasn’t getting such a kick out of this. 

“Fine,” Roman said finally, pouting. 

“Fine,” Virgil echoed, smirking. “Still don’t like you, though.” 

“I’m perfectly likable!” Roman cried as Virgil turned and left, brushing the confetti out of his hair. 

“Yes,” Damien hummed, finally turning the camera off. He turned to his boyfriend. “I’m inclined to agree.” Kissing Roman tasted as sweet as it always did, especially when he went and carded his hand through Damien’s hair. However, it could be made better… 

“I meant it, by the way,” Damien murmured, brushing his fingers through the curls at the nape of Roman’s neck. “About loving you.” 

Ah, yes, there it was. Roman blushed, bright and pretty, stammering through at least five responses before he finally gave up and just pulled Damien back in for another kiss. He had no doubt that Roman would have his own poetic declaration figured out eventually, but for now… Well, Damien had nothing to complain about.

[tell-me-when-ur-ready]

Missing the Grammys

author’s note (please read!): This fic means a lot to me because it embodies a struggle I feel on a daily basis (especially lately but we won’t go into that lol). I have an invisible disability—multiple chronic illnesses with many symptoms that affect my daily life in a big way.

Last February, the Grammys were the day before my 20th birthday. I was traveling with friends but felt so awful I had to cancel our plans. While I was lying in a strange bed feeling miserable (after barely feeling well enough to at least stay up and watch the Grammys with my friend), this scenario came about in my head, so I wrote it.

Posting this as a separate oneshot now while I work on the fanfic series with a chronically ill OC that’s coming soon. I think this is a hugely underrepresented area in fanfic, and books in general, so I’m excited to write some pieces based on my experiences!

warnings: none really. Just a girl with a bunch of health problems feeling like a burden and having trouble believing she’s not.

word count: ~1.6k

“Babe, will you hand me my comb?” Shawn called. He turned away from the mirror where he’d been running a hand through his hair before deciding that was just an exercise in futility. She was in the hotel bathroom with the door shut, and he stood in front of it, waiting. When she didn’t open the door, he lifted his hand and rapped lightly. The two of them were getting ready for the Grammy Awards, where Shawn was performing, and they needed to leave soon.

The door swung open and a triangle of yellow light sliced across the carpet at his feet. She held out the comb in one hand, her face turned away from him, and he took it.

“Thanks.”

As the door started to close, he glanced up and caught a glimpse of her face—red, tear-streaked, and puffy-eyed.

Shawn stuck out his arm and caught the door before it could shut. “What’s the matter, babe?” he asked, his eyebrows drawing together in concern.

She shook her head, mute.

 “Tell me.” He took a step closer and she burst into fresh tears. Shawn stood with his arms at his sides, helpless.

 “Honey,” he said, and she shook her head, her hands going up to cover her face.

 “I can’t go,” she said through her sobs.

 “What?”

 “I can’t go,” she repeated, choking on the last word. “I’m so sorry. I feel so bad. But Shawn, I just can’t…”

 “Hey, come here,” he said, pushing the door open and reaching for her. He put one hand on each of her elbows and gently pulled her toward him. “You can’t go?”

 She was still shaking with sobs. “I’m so sorry,” she repeated. “It’s the Grammys. I hate this. But I’m in so much pain, everything hurts, and I almost fainted when I came in here to do my makeup and I’m just hitting the wall…”

 Shawn took her into his arms and she shook with sobs. This happened fairly often—she regularly had to pull out of things at the last minute, because her disease was debilitating and unpredictable—but he didn’t mind. He never minded. He’d known what he was signing up for when he first asked her out, and he knew her personality and kindness and smile (that smile) were what attracted him. She couldn’t help her disability and he never minded when it interfered with plans, not even tonight, with the Grammys. But she always did. And now that radiant smile he’d fallen so hard for was nowhere to be found.

 “Sweetheart,” he whispered against the side of her head. “Hey. It’s okay. I understand.”

 She lifted her head off of his shoulder and looked up at him. She had just started her makeup for the night, and one eye was smeared with mascara and smoky eye shadow while the other one was clean. Shawn lifted his pointer finger and gently ran it under the smudged eye.

 “It’s okay,” he repeated softly. “If you need to stay here, stay here. Please. Take care of yourself.”

 “But the Grammys,” she persisted, a tear streaking down her cheek.

 “They happen every year,” he whispered. “They’ll be recorded. There’ll be another party tomorrow night. And who even knows if I’ll win anything?”

 “You’re performing,” she murmured miserably. She pulled away from him to stand up straight but swayed, tipping dangerously, and he grabbed her elbows again.

 “And you’re staying here,” he said, gentle but firm. Over the year they’d been dating, Shawn had learned to tell when her body was giving out on her even if her face and words didn’t show it, and he could tell now—she was hitting the wall, just like she’d said. Dropping his long-forgotten comb on the floor, Shawn reached down and picked her up, one arm under her knees and the other around her back. She nestled her face into his chest as he carried her back into the dark hotel room.

 “Go to sleep. And don’t worry about anything,” he whispered as he laid her on the bed. “I love you.”

 ***

 When she woke up, the room was dark. She sat up slowly, assessing how she felt. She was still in pain, but not quite as much, and she didn’t feel as dizzy—although she couldn’t truly measure that until she tried to stand up, which she didn’t feel up to quite yet. Her pounding headache had lessened, too. Food would probably help erase the exhaustion that still lingered around the corners of her vision, but she was so tired, she wasn’t sure she could find the energy to search out the hotel vending machine.

 The blinking red numbers on the nightstand clock read 7:05, which meant she was officially missing the Grammy’s—definitely missing Shawn’s headlining performance and potentially missing his ensuing wins. She was missing out on rubbing elbows with celebrities and wearing the shimmery backless dress hanging on one of the wooden hangers in the hotel closet, but most importantly, she was missing supporting Shawn during one of the biggest evenings of his career.

 Leaning back on her pillow with a deep sigh, she reached for her phone from the bedside table. It lit up with a 5:00 text from Shawn’s assistant.

 If/when you wake up, look outside your door. Shawn sent me to leave something, the text read.

 Curious, she swung her feet onto the floor, waited for the expected round of dizziness to pass, and then padded unsteadily toward the door. When she opened it, there was a boxed salad, a protein bar, and a single rose waiting on the floor of the hallway.

 Tears pushed at the backs of her eyes as she picked up the food and flower and brought everything inside, clicking on the TV and changing the channel to the Grammys before sitting back down on the bed. Her disability often made her feel like a burden and Shawn was always going out of his way as if to prove that she wasn’t—but that just made her feel guiltier, because she couldn’t always reciprocate the love he showed her. Like tonight, when he was having one of the biggest nights of his career while she watched from a dark hotel room, eating the salad he’d taken the time to send her because he knew she’d be weak and hungry when she woke up. To her, the imbalance in their relationship was clear. She often struggled to believe anyone could love her as she really was, frequent hospital stays and near-constant failures to hold up her end of the bargain included.

 When the salad was gone and Shawn hadn’t won any awards, she let the exhaustion overtake her again. And if a few tears soaked the hotel pillowcase before she succumbed completely, no one knew that but her.

 ***

 It was past 2 A.M. when Shawn got back from the afterparty, and he came into the hotel room as quietly as possible, trying not to curse when he stepped on the comb he’d left on the floor. He undid his tie in the dark and dropped it on the dresser by an empty salad box—the one, he assumed, that he’d had sent over. Then he went into the bathroom, shutting the door completely before fumbling around for the light switch.

 When Shawn finally fell into bed—softly—she never even woke.

 ***

 The hotel windows were covered with heavy blackout curtains, but the sun was starting to infiltrate the room by the time they woke up. Shawn thought he’d woken first, but when he opened his eyes and rolled over, she was already smiling at him.

 “Hi,” he said, his voice a little hoarse from the night before.

 “Hi,” she whispered.

 “How are you?”

 “Better.”

 And she looked better. Her face had color in it and her eyes looked bright and awake. That didn’t mean the pain and dizziness and fatigue wouldn’t return the next day or that day or even in a few minutes when she got up, he knew. But it was a welcome reprieve.

 She reached out a hand and pushed a few wayward curls off of his forehead. “Thank you,” she whispered, “for the food. And the rose. I don’t deserve you.”

 He looked at her, lying there on the white pillowcase with her hair around her face and the morning light beginning to illuminate her face, and something tightened a little around his heart. “If anything,” he said, low, “it’s the other way around.”

 “I just feel so bad,” she whispered. “I feel terrible. I can’t believe I missed the Grammys.”

 Shawn was already shaking his head before she’d even finished. “Please, honey, don’t. Don’t feel that way. It’s okay.”

 “It’s not okay,” she pushed back. Her brow furrowed and she caught her lower lip in her teeth. “It’s not. I feel so bad.”

 “You couldn’t help it,” he said. “I know that. And I don’t care. It’s okay.” He put his hand out and touched her for the first time that morning, letting his thumb trail down her cheek.

 “I love you,” he whispered. “So much. You know that, right?”

 She nodded, but her eyes were still worried. “I still just feel bad—” she started to say. But before she could get the full sentence out, he leaned forward, closing the space between them and taking her mouth in his to catch the words before they escaped.

 “Don’t,” he breathed when he pulled back. “It’s okay. I don’t care. I love you.”

 They looked at each other for a long moment, Shawn resolute, but her face still looking decidedly unconvinced.

 “Can I show you?” he whispered. “How much I love you?”

 The corners of her mouth turned up a little and she paused, then nodded, just once. Shawn brought his lips back to hers, kissing her deep and slow, starting at her mouth and then moving down to her neck and down further still, lowering his body on top of hers.

Taglist: @alittletoomuchshawn (not sure if you’re on here right now but I know you wanted to read!)

[eldritchsurveys]

792.

What would you call your body type? >> I don’t call it anything. Most of the time I’m trying to forget I even have a body.

Are you a morning person? >> Yeah, something like that. Particularly on sunny mornings.

Have you ever been to Target? >> I’ve been to Target many times.

Do you like iced tea? >> Sure, as long as it’s not loaded with sugar.

When is the next time you'll be at work? >> ---

Do you have a savings account? >> I do have a savings account. There’s rarely anything of note in there, though. The only reason there’s a goodly amount in there now is because of the stimulus check -- I took an opportunity to put in the amount of one month’s payment for my computer, just in case my finances got fucked up one month or something.

Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? >> Not to my knowledge. If so, it was probably an account I’d already abandoned.

What color bedsheets are currently on your bed? >> Grey.

Have you ever been to Disney World? If so, how many times have you been? >> I’ve never been.

Does grammar and capitalization mean anything to you? >> Sure. All forms of language need some kind of rule system in order to be effective, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to communicate with others at all. Even the dialects that people deride for not being “proper” have grammatical rules -- as becomes painfully obvious when non-Black people try to use AAVE lmao. As far as capitalisation is concerned, I use the proper forms of it on surveys (I don’t know why, I just always have) but an “improper”, casual form almost everywhere else on the internet. My familiarity and ease with the English language is pretty well demonstrated by all the different forms of it I switch between on a regular basis, and I enjoy playing with and learning the variations of language like this.

Are you good at wrapping gifts for others? >> Yeah, I can wrap a gift pretty well.

Do you have a dirty clothes hamper in your room? >> No, the hampers are in Sparrow’s room (her room is just bigger, lol).

What would you say is your favorite television show? >> I wouldn’t, really. I like a lot of shows.

Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? >> I don’t really have a feeling about them. They’re not something I care about, but I’m not necessarily averse to them either.

Is your vision good? >> It is.

Is there any piece of jewelry you're constantly wearing? >> Just the jewelry in my piercings.

What is one thing you desire as of now? >> It’s complicated.

What kind of phone do you have? >> Moto g6 Play. The only reason I remember this now is because my headphones always announce the name of whatever it’s connecting to.

If you could move anywhere, where would you choose? >> Somewhere southerly.

Do you have any obsessions? >> I mean, maybe. I just don’t notice anymore.

Do you blog a lot, if at all? >> Not formally. I just reblog stuff on tumblr and sometimes make an original post. Also, I do this.

Is your present hair color, natural? >> Yeah.

What makes you the most angry when it comes to people? >> I just hate how contemptuous other people can be of stuff they don’t understand. Instead of just being like “eh, I don’t grok it, it doesn’t jive with me” it becomes “that’s so sad that people do [x]” or “I’m not a loser, I don’t do [x]” or whatever. Even when it comes to calling people “stupid” and “disgusting” for their opinions or their lifestyles. I am far from being a particularly kind person, but every day I try my best to evaluate people’s actions for what they are and how they affect me instead of just labelling them inferior for not being like me; but people who will call themselves kind in a heartbeat are the first people to just tear into someone for not upholding whatever standard they’ve got built up in their heads for humanity. I’m just sick of it, and it’s why I don’t really get involved with people all that much. There’s always going to be that moment when they say something judgemental, and as it goes, eventually that judgemental attitude is going to be turned on me.

Describe your current outfit? >> It’s just a pair of harem pants, an undershirt, and a thin sleeveless top with a weird design on the front, heh. I don’t know where I got this top from, but I need about 15 more of them. It’s so comfortable.

What was the last thing you ordered online? >> I think the last thing I ordered was a new nightstand.

Have you ever felt as though you were drifting apart from a best friend? >> No.

What color are your eyes? >> Dark brown.

Have you ever worn color contacts? >> Yeah. My first pair were violet, and later on I wore white ones (or one white one, Marilyn Manson-style).

What's the best thing about a hug? >> I don’t know. I don’t receive any of the benefits of hugs. (Inworld hugs are very nice, though. They feel warm.)

Biggest fear? >> Some vague hyper-imaginative stuff about death.

If you have a significant other, how long have you been together? >> Can Calah has been here for about 9 years, I think, and with Sparrow it’s been 8 years. My general idea is that Can Calah was here for about a year before the thing with Sparrow started, so that’s how I measure it.

Do you know any genuinely friendly people? >> Sure.

Do you buy your friends gifts? >> Not usually.

What was the last thing you plugged in? >> My laptop.

How old are you? >> This is my last day being 32.

What color headphones do you own? >> Black.

Have you ever shopped on Urban Outfitters? >> Nope.

Where do you buy the majority of your clothing? >> I don’t really have a place that I buy the majority of my clothing from.

Would you rather wear necklaces or earrings? >> Necklaces.

Do you consider yourself fortunate? >> Sure, in some cases. Not so much in others.

Do you enjoy watching fights? >> No.

Have you ever been in a physical fight? >> Yeah.

Do you tend to talk badly about people? >> No, if there’s one thing I consider myself committed to working on, it’s how I speak about and treat other people -- like I was discussing in an earlier question. I guess it makes up for my lack of emotional attachment.

Where are your parents as of now? >> ---

Does your computer cooperate most of the time? >> Yeah, my machines have always gotten along pretty well with me. I try my best to treat them well and I like to think they operate at their best because of it.

Does your family have any cheesy traditions? >> ---

When did you last go to a book store? >> Whew, good question.

What's the closest book store where you live? >> Maybe Schuler’s.

How much money do you have on you right now? >> I don’t have any money on me, but there’s like five dollars in cash in my wallet-thing.

Favorite personal feature? >> ---

Are you wearing make up at the moment? >> No.

Favorite television channel? >> I don’t have one. My favoured streaming service is Hulu.

Describe any piercings or tattoos you might have? >> Ehhhh I feel like I do this constantly.

Have you ever been fired from a job? >> No. Unless Second Life jobs count, lmao.

Are you currently losing a best friend? >> No.

Describe the worst day of your life: >> ---

Do you play any video games? >> I do.

Would you say you hate anyone? >> I would not say that.

Do you think freckles are cute? >> I don’t have a feeling about them one way or the other.

Last time you went to the mall? >> God... December?

Name something that's your favorite color: >> This cool ring I have.

Have you been to Red Lobster before? >> Yeah, a long time ago. I nearly lost my mind when I tasted a cheddar bay biscuit for the first time.

Do you judge by appearances? >> Judge what, exactly? There is some information I process through appearance, yeah -- like, I assume that a person wearing a Behemoth t-shirt and black jeans with a chain wallet is probably a metalhead. Or that a person with impeccable hair and nails and makeup is probably really fussy about their appearance. The thing is, these are still things that I could possibly be wrong about, but it’d be harmless.

Do you follow a certain religion? >> No.

Who is your role model, if you had to choose? >> I don’t have to choose, and there’s no one I would choose.

Would you rather have nice hair or lips? >> What...

What are you most self conscious about? >> Just... existing. I don’t like being observed at all most of the time.

Do you have any family members who live out of town? >> ---

Do you consider yourself short? >> No. I mean, I am short in comparison to a lot of people, but it’s not something I think about like that.

What room are you in? >> Mine.

Hoodies or jackets? >> Hoodies.

Are you outside a lot? >> Not a lot, no. There’s nowhere to really go, especially nowadays. I’d sit outside more often if I didn’t live in an apartment complex. Like, this would be a great day to just lounge about in a yard.

Have you ever been dumped via text message? >> No.

Do you like dreamcatchers? >> I mean, they’re pretty.

Favorite crayon color? >> ---

What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? >> V. (I don’t know why I have a favourite letter of the alphabet when I don’t have favourites for so many other things. It just be like that.)

Do you hate repetitive people and things? >> Er... like, not as a rule, I guess. But there are some repetitive things I hate, like certain sounds.

Do you think autocorrect is a blessing or curse? >> It’s neither to me, I just don’t use it.

Do you believe in any particular curses? >> I don’t have any experience with curses.

Ever play a Ouija board? >> No, I never got around to making one and now I just don’t care anymore.

What movie scares you the most? >> ---

What was your bedtime as a child? >> Damned if I remember. Probably like eight.

Reason why your favorite holiday is your favorite: >> I just enjoy the vibes. Also, I’ve got a thing for old St Nick.

Do you work with any close friends? >> ---

Do you consider yourself spoiled? >> No.

Do you listen to any country music? >> Sure.

Have you ever taken a keyboarding class? >> No.

Favorite high school teacher: >> ---

Do you ever get drunk? >> I’ve been drunk many times, but it’s not something I get into much these days. I like a good buzz, but anything beyond that is just overkill.

Have you ever had highlights before? >> No.

Favorite number: >> 9 / 19.

Do you still sleep with any stuffed animals? >> I sleep with way more stuffed animals now than I did when I was a child, actually.

What is your biggest regret in life? >> ---

Do you enjoy social situations? >> I enjoy ones I have explicitly chosen and that I have some measure of control over. Not like, control over the conversation or anything, I just mean the interaction is happening in an environment I find comfortable and/or I can leave whenever I feel the need, stuff like that.

Would you say you think you have a mental disorder of some kind? >> I don’t care about whether I have a mental disorder of some kind, I just care about learning to live with myself without punishing myself for not being “normal”.

Are you normally an independent person? >> I have a disordered attachment style which makes me feel like I need to be independent all the time, but I cognitively know better than to think humans really work like that.

Do you have any paintings? >> Yeah.

What is one clothing fad you wish never existed? >> ---

Do you like to be organized? >> Yeah, I really do. It makes me feel peaceful to see an organised space.

Have you ever failed a class before? >> Probably. I also got no credit at all for one class, which is probably worse.

Ever been judged because of your weight? >> I mean, probably, even though I’ve never been particularly over- or underweight. People will judge anything.

What is your favorite breakfast cereal? >> ---

Ever had a wish come true? >> ---

Do you regret meeting any of your exes? >> Nah. It’s not that deep. (It’d probably be that deep if any of them had been, like, violent abusers or something like that. But nah, they were just... people. With all the flaws inherent thereof.)

Do you own any coloring books? >> Yeah, but I never use it anymore, lol.

What's the meanest thing someone's called you? >> I don’t know.

Have you ever bullied someone? >> No.

Do you ever watch Lifetime? >> No.

Ever tried to intentionally sabotage someone's grade? >> No. How would one even go about doing that?

Do you own any brown clothing? >> Yeah, I have one Dark Tower shirt that’s brown. I hardly ever wear it, though, it just fits weird.

What color are your walls painted? >> Off-white or whatever.

Last thing you drank: >> Water. (Wourder.)

Have you ever seen a tornado in person? >> Nope. I hope to see one one day. (hope it isn’t the last thing I see, hah)

Do you have an inground pool at your house? >> No.

What is the first digit of your phone number? >> 6.

What's the prettiest town you've been to? >> *shrug*

Do you tend to sleep a lot? >> Nah, my body seems to err on the side of sleeping less rather than sleeping more.

Silver or gold jewelry? >> Gold.

Do you sometimes celebrate holidays early? >> No.

Have you ever been in love? >> I don’t know.

What's the best gift you've ever received? >> I don’t know.

When was the last time you showered? >> Monday afternoon.

Would you consider yourself attractive? >> No.

Has anyone made you mad today? >> No.

Favorite smell: >> Oh, who knows. There are a lot of good smells in the world.

Are you afraid of insects? >> I’m knee-jerk afraid of some. Like anything that makes a buzzing sound (wasps, bees, flies, whatever), because the sound startles me badly and triggers my flight response. But I know I’m not just overall-afraid of bees or anything because I love bees, love watching them, and I’d totally let a bee just crawl around on me without feeling the same impulse. It’s just that damned sound.

Do you have any children? >> No.

If so, what are their names? >> ---

Would ever consider having children in the future? >> I’ve considered it. And I’ve concluded that I’d rather not.

Have you ever lived on a farm? >> No.

Ever played any sports? >> Briefly, in school.

Do both of your parents have jobs? >> ---

Where is the best place you've been on vacation to? >> New Orleans.

Are you afraid people won't accept you? >> What people? Generally, I’m not fussed about being accepted by just... random people. But I’d want, like, my friends to accept me...

Are you, for the most part, an honest person? >> Yeah.

Did you make prank phone calls as a child? >> No. My father definitely would have whooped my ass for that.

Do you like to make donations? >> I don’t make donations.

Favorite movie at the time being: >> The Fountain.

What is your current ringtone? >> I have no idea what the default ringtone on this phone is, I don’t think I’ve ever heard it.

Meet anyone from your past lately? >> No.

Have you ever called a teen suicide line? >> No.

Have you ever caught something on fire? >> On purpose, sure. Like a cigarette or a candle. Not anything that shouldn’t be aflame.

Ever been obsessed with a show? >> Yep.

What type of perfume or cologne do you use? >> I use a roll-on oil.

What's the last book you read? >> The last book I finished was The King In Yellow. Well, I finished the good stories, anyway.

Dream career: >> ---

Have you ever climbed a mountain before? >> Yeah, but not like, the whole thing.

At what age do you plan to get married? >> I was married at 32.

Ever been in a car accident? >> No.

[lizzybeth1986]

Quick Thoughts on TRH Book 1 Chapter 6

• It's YEEHAW time everyone!

• And also raise a middle finger to logic as we see the MC wear something that she should have probably lent to the Platinum MC for a country performance, rather than for farm work.

• There's also the bit where she randomly takes a pregnancy test coz she feels nauseous (yes I know. It's plot related and is probably done to show a false negative. But you need to time these things, MC! The best time to look for a double line is closer to the time you're supposed to be having your period, if your period is regular).

• Screenshot Credits:

Hana: @pixieferry

Drake: @thefirstcourtesan

Maxwell: The Abhirio YouTube channel.

• These are the tags you can block if you don't want to see these posts: #long post, #trh quick thoughts, #trh qts, #trh qt reblogs.

• Drake has an AUNT? Please don't give me any more family members, I'm done dealing with the ones he already has.

• I'm wondering if Leona exists so that PB can do some serious retconning on Bianca's behalf. After all, when she appeared in the Drake playthroughs of Book 3, there wasn't much of a positive reception for her - with some players even saying that the MC should have a few choice words to say to her - and for good reason.

• Title: Home, Home on the Range

So whatever little knowledge I do have about a place like Texas is from films and pop culture, so this might not be new information to you but it is to me! 😁 So I'm probably going to be a gazillion times more excited about sharing it than you guys might be to read it! Bear with me for a sec.

From what I'm reading, "Home, Home on the Range" seems to a western folk song that's so popular it's considered an unofficial anthem in that region. Its origin was from a poem called "My Western Home" from a Kansas native called Dr Brewster M Highly, in 1872 (it was even made Kansas' state song in 1945?). The lyrics are very...Drake:

Where the air is so pure, and the zephyrs so free,

The breezes so balmy and light,

That I would not exchange my home on the range,

For all of the cities so bright.

Mostly a very idyllic, glorified portrait of country life. You find similar sentiments in Drake's diamond scene this chapter.

• Alternative Title: We Just Needed An Excuse to Use the BSC Soundtrack Twice.

• So we meet Bianca, Drake's mother, this chapter. If you married him this is the second time you're seeing her, and if you married anyone else this is the first time and you have no clue who she is until Drake introduces her to you. She also mentions in the Drake playthrough that this is not the kind of welcome she was hoping to give her son and daughter-in-law.

• We also meet Leona, Bianca's older sister and Drake's aunt. She's extremely unimpressed with this group of nobles and largely seems to blame the nobility in general for whisking away her younger sister, leaving her alone to manage the ranch?

• She pretends not to listen much to Cordonian news while talking to Liam, but seems to have the time to keep up with Cordonian gossip while talking to us - and luckily you can call her out on it too.

• She seems the type that likes a rebellious Duchess/Queen, going by her responses to the more sarcastic options from the MC.

Hmm. This scene does two things: one, it establishes that the ranch is facing financial problems, in terms of money and staffing, and two, it possibly may build up to why Bianca had to return to the States. Both I think might become important points in the coming chapters.

• Bianca seems intent on not letting her children know anything about the fraught situation at her ranch, but Leona is having none of it. You either do your work and do it well, or she will put you through your paces. Which is exactly what is happening with Bertrand now.

• The whole theme of "we need to get pregnant, and fast" returns with the presence of Savannah, who greets us with a very excited, sociable Bartie in tow. You can choose to either pick him up and pay attention to him, ask Savannah to figure out what he wants, or ignore him completely. Whatever you choose, the topic of you becoming a mother will come up (either she comments on how you're a natural, or she will tell you that you'll eventually be able to read your own baby's signals). Savannah now joins a long, long line of people who will talk to us as if we're already pregnant (her fiancé will join this list in a couple minutes too, don't worry).

• Speaking of parents, the sole dad of the (extended) group - Bertrand - is nowhere to be found. Bianca is all praise, Leona is Unimpressed™, and Maxwell is shocked that the guy who swore never to touch fowl again after witnessing a flooded peacock enclosure is now chasing chickens. The group overall can't believe it.

• Bertrand is, in fact, chasing chickens.

• So here's the other issue that will come up. Having eventually convinced Savannah that he is serious about her and Bartie, he now wants to win the approval of the family. Bianca is more than ready to accept him, Leona is...Unimpressed™.

• This sets stage for Problem 3 of the Goings On at The Walker Ranch: Bertrand is desperate for approval and Leona seems pretty set on not giving him that. So I'm pretty sure getting her to realize that Savannah's fiancé means business and there is actually something for her to respect about him - if not love - is pretty much one of the loose ends we will have to tie up in the course of the Texas chapters.

• Savannah's laid out some clothes for everyone, so everyone gets a 'country' look and a cowboy hat.

• Like always, the outfit options come with different reactions based on the LI you're romancing:

Liam's looks nice I think, Hana is pretty (I haven't the foggiest idea of what would on a ranch so I wouldn't know how feasible - or not - these two outfits would be), Maxwell looks like he's dressed for the ranch AND for winter and Drake looks okay (like...there's a theme or something with his outfits, like he needs to have a LOT of a particular colour. Denim on denim, brown shirt brown hat).

• While Liam and Esther collectively swoon over each other, Savannah is all shocked and like "you both know we're still here, right?". Uh huh, you had no problem fangirling over Bertrand's "stern but sexy eyebrows" in public but suddenly me flirting a little with my husband is too much for you 😑

A little too much??? Listen, Esther has worn a hat that looked like it swallowed a hundred smaller hats on the way and cried in JOY at the sight. She has COMFORTED a widowed grieving Queen Mother and STARED DOWN Hana's awful parents, all with that honking big hat obscuring her face. How does a tiny puny cowboy hat with a bracelet thingy around it even compare??

• In the kitchen, Bertrand continues his woeful attempts to make conversation with Leona by revealing just how little he knows about running a ranch. Leona is Unimpressed™ (Betrand: How are the crops? Leona: We have cattle 😑. Bertrand: Who...ate the crops? Leona: 😑😑😑)

• Leona's like the adult version of the Unimpressed Sikh Child in Bollywood Hogwarts:

• We get darkly roasted coffee to help us gear up for the day's work at the ranch, and it's quite...the mouthfull. If you succeed in drinking it, you get high on coffee, and if you react to the strong taste, Leona makes a smart-alec comment about how "her highness must have wanted a chilled latte" (I forget which drink she mentioned but something similar) or something. Wish there was an option to tell her "Bertrand didn't tell me about the stick up your ass" (callback! From which book? Guess!)

• You feel slightly nauseous on the way, which is a bit of a set up to the end of the chapter.

• We split up into teams. Liam and Maxwell help with getting the hay for the horses, Hana and Drake help with sorting the tack.

Liam is a quick learner (and learns stuff just by observing), Maxwell is confused between the interests of horses and dogs, Drake is even more confused at Hana's speed, and PB has forgotten that Hana has actually ridden actual horses and would actually have at least a working idea of what actual tack with an actual horse would look like. Sure she may not have MADE tack for those horses, but you can miss me with that "imaginary horse friends" bullshit.

• See Team TRR, this is what happens when you focus on nothing else but Hana's skills. Even you fail to keep track.

• We feed the chickens (and I can see what I think are shades of Hana's upbringing in the way she says "wait your turn! one at a time!"...with chickens).

• ...there was a "no royal pets" policy in the palace that Liam waived?? No wonder we could get a corgi and Penelope could bring her poodles to court as soon as Liam became King!

• Re: Liam talking about having stuffed animals rather than pets and stating that he and Hana were on the same boat. Et tu, Liam? HOW MANY TIMES DOES HANA HAVE TO TELL YOU GUYS SHE NEVER HAD TOYS.

• I'm imagining poor young Maxwell realizing that peacocks don't like hugs and now I'm sad ☹️

• So the set up to the group scene is that none of these characters have truly experienced the joy of cuddling cute pets. It's not much even by way of a group scene, just a cute scene where the MC can direct Tiny the little calf to cuddle all these sad sad people (pushed into embroidery lessons and diplomacy sessions as children!) and cure Bertrand of his cow-suspicion (cowspicion?). The more pets you have with you the cuter it is, coz the two corgis go about acquainting themselves with everyone - the cat, the cows, everybody.

• ROE REFERENCE! We see Jess and Blake spearheading a successful business as caterers and wedding planners (did Jess take coaching from Chaz's sister-in-law Carmen? 😁) and they leave it vague (as expected, since Jess' romantic relationship with Blake is determinant - as is the possibility that Liam and Jess could be related by marriage if the RoE MC chose Leo lol) whether they're romantically involved or not, but at least this way I know they're happy with their jobs!

• Apparently they'd catered at enough disaster weddings that they decided they could do a better job

• I have two questions:

1. Did Leo ever recommend Carmen? I'm guessing not since based on whether the RoE MC married him or not, he'd probably feel more comfortable recommending family/friends than someone who - in a different playthrough - probably never really met him.

2. Why is Liam helping Bertrand and Savannah with contacts for their wedding when we ended up doing most of the searching and finding ourselves?? 🧐

• BertVannah seem to want a mix of local and Cordonian traditions: Savannah wants to recapture her parents' wedding by riding a horse down the aisle, and Bertrand asks Liam to officiate, as a royal. Maxwell and Hana will be in charge of entertainment and decorations...and the MC should not move a muscle because Bertrand has already decreed us pregnant.

• Savannah's ex Chuck is a buff ginger, and an already insecure Bertrand is made even more insecure at the sight of him. Another on the list of things PB expects us to fix in the Walker Ranch. Drake owes me both in cash, fancy hats and a lifetime supply of free smoked BBQ ribs after all this. The kind of shit a pregnant royal is expected to do...

• Time for Drake diamond scene - which is a mostly fluffy scene that takes place close to a river nearby which has a great view of the sunrise and sunset, and a ride atop a kayak.

• Here's the important stuff you can get from this scene:

- Drake knows how to build stuff (we knew this already, but here Drake talks specifically about how he and Savannah would build rafts)

- Drake sucks at taking compliments, but Drake stans who saw their MC's intro to TRH already knew that 🤭

- You get to flex your paddling muscles. Drake is...Impressed™

- Lovely sunshine

- A cute story about how Drake and Savannah had a canonball contest at this river, and happy memories of his Dad being just their dad for once, not dad + King Guard

- Drake gets to talk about the mark his father left on him, and how carefree he used to be before Jackson's death

- You can revive the cannonball contest with Drake before you head back to the estate, and if you're married you share a passionate kiss. The writers went to great lengths to describe how passionate the kiss wasqqq

If you're married to Drake, this spot is described as 'romantic' and 'private', the MC makes a joke about being the "First Mate" of Drake's heart, the usual variations. Drake also mentions that he hopes to emulate his father's way of parenting once he himself becomes a father. I'm also guessing the story of how his father and mother used to visit this lake before they had children would have an implied added importance to a married Drake trying for a child.

Funny how the assassination attempt on Liam always ends up revolving more around what it did to Drake than what it did to Liam. Both in the original Book 2 Italian Restaurant Scene where it was first referenced, and here (Drake's restaurant scene is also the only scene that highlights how that particular attack affected Liam - if you don't buy this scene, the attacks are mentioned in a more offhand way by Constantine when we confront him, and Liam still doesn't have a word to say). Stop. What happened to Liam happened to him. Stop making it all about Drake.

• Also why does Drake keep insisting the MC helped him find Savannah? She didn't. He spotted the envelope. He saw the address. He deduced where in Paris it was and tried to check it out. The only help we could provide was convincing him to stay and listen to her, and even that was optional.

• The MC wakes up wondering if she's going to feel nauseous, which then leads to the realization that it could be morning sickness. That's the most random race to use a pregnancy test I've seen.

• The result is negative, and the LI wakes up to the MC telling them about the result of the pregnancy test. The reactions to the news are identical. They follow roughly this template:

I can headcanon that Hana is actually feeling and understanding the MC's pain when she says "that's not silly at all", but I won't. I refuse to do the heavy work for the writers.

• In any case, there are some guests, and only Hana seems to know who they are.

• My face as it goes from seeing Kiara, Olivia, Penelope and Madeleine (yes, in that order):

• Sooo it looks like this week we're going to have a clash of the country and the courtly. Uh oh. I don't see this ending very well...unless there's a deus ex machina coming our way.

• General Thoughts:

- This chapter is filler, as expected, but it's the kind of filler meant to set up the major problems in that place. And there's plenty hinted at in this chapter alone: solving the financial troubles of the ranch, the clash of cultures that will come with the court ladies being guests, winning over Leona, learning about Drake's and also Bianca's past, Bertrand's insecurities. It's going to take a couple chapters to untangle all that!

- My guess is that the MC is possibly pregnant, but got a false negative (esp if she's nowhere near her expected time for her period), and will probably find out during Bertrand and Savannah's wedding? IDK. Most people I know will wait to see if they get their periods first (I did that too, waited a couple days after the expected day just to be sure), because that's when your hCG levels are high enough to show in your urine sample. That was a waste of a perfectly good pregnancy test, MC!

- The variations are very few, besides the scene where they all get new outfits and references to the MC and her spouse by different people including Blake and Jess. Perhaps there may be an LI scene coming soon.

- I mentioned earlier that Leona may be there as a way for the writing team to retcon Bianca's departure, since in the original series all we are told us was that she "was...struggling" after Jackson's death and left for the States at some point, leaving her children behind. Not a lot of people were very happy about this and though she was portrayed as a positive character in Book 3 (Drake's playthrough), it wasn't convincing enough. Leona is possibly there as a way to soften the audience to Bianca, and perhaps to get us a plausible reason for her leaving without her children. I'm not sure what could justify not taking them along, but okay.

- So Drake in his scene tells us that they came to the ranch as kids, but there is that matter of Savannah having been there long enough at some point to have had a boyfriend. I'm wondering if she spent some time on the ranch while Drake had gone to college.

- Also...if that's what happened, why was France even an option for her to bring up Bartie if she'd been in touch with her mother. Why did France, a place where she had very few contacts or living experience, win out over a place she was familiar with and where she had family?

- Leona's very Drake-like...but with an actual job that she's probably good at.

- Leona's also going to be Unimpressed™ for the most of her time in this book, with her probably becoming a little more impressed towards the end. Told you she'd be The Unimpressed Sikh Child (if you still have trouble with this meme, it's a character from a Bollywood film about a magical school called Aabra Ka Dabra. Here's some additional context from desi comedians and former Pretentious Movie Reviewers Kanan Gill and Biswa Kalyan Rath to illustrate why Unimpressed Sikh Child is so awesome:)

"Stop trying to impress people. Impress people with how unimpressed you are." If that isn't what Leona is doing. One wry expression and that's all it takes for all of Cordonia's royalty and nobility to fall over each other to prove themselves to her.

- Leona is an ass but you've got to respect the way she plays that game.

- I hope the writers don't forget that Kiara and Savannah were...yknow...good friends. Given how badly she was treated in Book 3 (and the narrative treated her really, really badly. Like I'm pretty sure some of you might have no idea just how badly she's been treated), I have serious doubts.

- Will we get a Hana or Maxwell diamond scene next? A good one or mostly just fluff? Let's see.

- Will we get another flashback scene? Maybe. It's possible. Bianca would remember something.

- One thing I do know for sure is that there is going to be more of Perfect Angel Savannah and Bumbling Bertrand. I'm not looking forward to it.

• Next: I'll be doing TRR Book 1's QT for Chapter 6 as well! Hopefully it will be ready by Friday. As for this series...until next week, folks!

[picture-my-lifee]

👋We’re alive, and well! I’m here with a Long update. 

Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve been on here, I’m not even sure where to begin. I wish I could give you guys a good excuse as to why I haven’t blogged in almost a year but honestly, I don’t have one.   I deleted most of my social media accounts a few months back, including my youtube, I think it all became a little too much to keep up. I originally planned to only take a few months off but then life got busy, really busy. Having five children isn’t easy lol, I’m tired most of the time and honestly keeping up with my youtube channel and this blog was the last thing on my mind. Then out of nowhere over this past weekend, I got a sudden burst of motivation, it could be the new camera Malik surprised me with lol but,  I’m back, at least for now. I wish I could come back with some huge news but not much has changed, we’re still living in the same house, I’ll give you guys an update of the house tour once our new renovations are done. The last year hasn’t been all peaches and cream but we’re all alive and healthy so there isn’t much to complain about. 

So over the weekend, I decided to test out my new camera, and it’s amazing. My mother has a beautiful lemon tree in her backyard and I’m always looking for excuses to pick some so I decided to bake my favorite cake, I’ll have the recipe up on my new youtube channel soon. It’s not too cold here yet so we spent most of the day outside in our backyard, I took the time to get a few shots, I’ll share them below. 

I’ve always wanted a garden shed, even though I kind of half-step when it comes to gardening lol, I still think they’re really cute so over the summer I begged Malik to set one up, it’s so cute. I’m hoping it will inspire me to be more consistent with my gardening. 

I also took some shots of all of the kiddos so you guys can see how big they’ve gotten. 

Nyla, my first baby girl. She and her brother will be 9 in less than 2 weeks, NINE. I’m trying not to think about it too much because it makes me emotional. She’s in the 4th grade now, lately, she’s been into swimming, dancing, fortnite and of course youtube. She is extremely helpful when it comes to her younger siblings and is honestly one of the sweetest kids you will ever meet. 

Rian, my quiet child. Shy and reserved like his father, I can’t believe he’ll be 9 soon, he’s still so small lol. He’s heavy into basketball, space( dying to go to space camp) of course fortnite and just about every video game. Super helpful and kind, just like his sister and he reminds me so much of his father. 

Zyire, my messy wild child. This is the kid you HAVE to watch lol he will try any and everything. He’ll be 6 in February, its crazy. He loves exploring, learning new things, he will “why” you to death about everything. He’s still into dinosaurs, loves sports, video games, and he’s really into school, he’s the only one I don’t have to force out of bed in the morning. He’s very outgoing and kind.

Leilani, My funny girly girl. She turned four last month, we celebrated by taking her to Disneyland, she loved it. This is daddies little girl, can’t tell her anything about him. She’s a self-proclaimed princess lol, really big on playing dress up, running her pretend restaurant and watching youtube. She started pre-K this year and seems to enjoy it. She’s bossy but she’s a sweetheart. 

And last but not least the baby of the crew, baby Jojo. Josiah is my little shadow, never lets me out of his sight for too long. He’s turning two in December, I’m not too sure what we’re going to do, I’m not even mentally prepared to deal. We’re currently working on potty training, he’s almost there. He’s super active, loves to talk, eat and get into just about everything. He’s super sweet and affectionate. 

So that’s about it, sorry for the long post but I did miss you guys! I’ll be back soon enough with more updates. 

[grimelords]

Two days after I said I’d upload it tonight, here it is! My October playlist is finished and it’s chock a block full of good music and also bad music that I love. From John Mellencamp to drone metal, from Katy B to Cassius, it’s all here and more. Deadmau5 also is here and for that I apologise.

Small Town (Acoustic) - John Mellencamp: Guess who had a legit emotional reaction to a John Mellencamp song this month, thinking deeply about what it means to be from a small town and how much this song gets right and wrong about identity and freedom in a small town versus living in a big town? This guy. I think this song works a lot better stripped down acoustically than it does in the album version. It gives the lyrics a lot more space, and really lays out just how simple the sentiment of the song is. It sets the tone of this month's playlist pretty well now that I think about it. I've been feeling like a real pea-brain hayseed this month and big chunks of this playlist really reflect that.

Katy On A Mission - Katy B: It feels like this and Hold It Against Me by Britney Spears (which was also 2011) is the moment that big american style dubstep completely crossed over into the mainstream, Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites was about six months ago and from there it was a tidal wave until oversaturation and complete death. But Katy On A Mission is different because it's at least got the credentials of dubstep pioneer Benga producing it and it doesn't go all-out on the super dirty bass, or even particularly have a big drop at all - it just uses it textually all the way through and it's better off for it.

I Only Have Eyes For You - The Flamingos: The way this song is recorded is insane. It literally sounds like they're at the bottom of a well. And it's mixed in that good early stereo hard-panned style so the lead is in the right channel and the whole harmony is in the left channel and absolutely soaked in reverb in a way that just sounds incongruous with the rest of the song. It sounds like a dream. My favourite moment is at about 2:30 when the harmony vocals get so large on the high note that they clip out and distort in a way that just sounds very, very cool.

Horses In The Sky (Live Version) - The Sound Of Animals Fighting: The Sound Of Animals Fighting was a post-hardcore prog supergroup where they were all anonymous (it was just the entirety of RX Bandits plus Anthony Green from Circa Survive) and I really wish they'd done more like this after their first album - because they still wrote very very good songs but they got lost in the mire of studio ambient interludes and being avant-garde for the sake of it which sometimes worked and most times just bored you which thankfully they only succumb in the end section of this version. Compare this to the studio version if you want to know what I mean, halfway through the guitar solo it just starts playing in reverse.

Split Wide Open - Cannibal Corpse: Here's what I mean about feeling like a pea-brain this month. Cannibal Corpse is proper troglodyte moron man music. It makes me feel dumb as fuck like a real stupid guy. There's something interesting about Cannibal Corpse's enduring ability to shock people, and that a band making such extreme music are at least a name that people know. They were in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective for god's sake. Before Marilyn Manson and that wave of cabaret shock-rock really got into the popular consciousness Cannibal Corpse were making shocking, violent music without any of the glamour and I think it's served them well in the long run. Songs like 'Hammer Smashed Face' or 'I Cum Blood', are shocking in title, artwork and content to this day are still musically shocking to the vast majority, far more than Marilyn Manson's spooky androgyny and wearing like a top hat and having fangs or whatever that's aged like milk and become just another boring cliche. The idea of the devil being charming and sly, disguised in charisma is so much more boring than the devil just tearing you apart like mince meat and eating you. Anyway I'm here to say Cannibal Corpse is good music for dum-dums like me.

Funeraloplis - Electric Wizard: Someone's edited it now but it's still in the footnote links, but the best ever piece of writing on wikipedia was the quote on Electric Wizard's page where they were explaining the origin of their name because it said "Is the name Electric Wizard made out of two Black Sabbath song titles? [smokes a big bud of weed through a can] Hahahaha, yeah it is!" which is so good and sort of all you need to know about them.

I <3 U So - Cassius: Looking back through this list it seems I'm having a real 2011 moment for some reason. I don't think I *get* Cassius. From everything I read about them they seem to be french dance royalty but they literally have two good songs and they're both in this playlist. These two songs are very good though so maybe it's just that. Anyway it's a shame what Kanye did this to song on Watch The Throne but I don't blame him, it feels like this song is just impossible to work with. It's at a weird tempo, it's incredible loose, it basically has one section. I imagine this song would have frustrated a lot of DJs when it was popular cause I really don't know how you would mix in or out of it, but fuck it while it's on it's a great song!

Youth, Speed, Trouble, Cigarettes - Cassius: This is the other good Cassius song. I'm pitching it as the theme song for when they eventually reboot Skins. I really appreciate that this song has 1 idea and basically just does every variation it can with it before bringing it to a climax. When your idea is this simple and this good that's all you need. Also the big toms that kick in after the 'just one more' but are heaven sent.

It Took The Night To Believe - Sun 0))): Sun 0))) are such morons and it's so funny that you can be so dumb and so serious about this sort of music at the same time. On this song Greg Anderson is credited as Mystik Fogg Invokator and Stephen O'Malely is credited as Taoiseach, which is the name for the Irish prime minister. Whenever I listen to Sun 0))) for the first two minutes I'm like 'lol this sucks' but then suddenly the guy is like 'cry yourself to ash' and I'm feeling the pull of the void quite heavily. Basically it's just like that meme.

Seven Angels - Earth: I remember ages ago some guy posted Earth 2: Special High Frequency edition and it was just this whole album with a high pass filter on it which is a funny joke. Anyway it interesting to think of this album in the context of when it came out. Two years after Nevermind, six months before In Utero - grunge at the absolute height of its power, stoner metal like Kyuss and Sleep huge when suddenly this guy comes out of nowhere and distills guitar music down to its essence: slower, louder, heavier than anything else by an order of magnitude.

Mutual Slump - DJ Shadow: I finally saw Xanadu this month and now I can finally relate to the weird smiling breathing out your nose noise that she makes after she says 'I'd never hailed a cab before' in this song.

Walkin' On The Sidewalks - Queens Of The Stone Age: Queens Of The Stone Age's first album is 20 years old this year and I've been thinking a lot about how it was a two person operation. Josh Homme played and sang everything on this album except the drums and it's funny to think about writing this sort of music all by yourself outside of a jam structure. He really sat down with a pad and paper and wrote down 'outro: bass riff x400' and then recorded it just like that.

Witch - Maps & Atlases: I wake up with this song in my head so often it's insane. I think a triplet groove in 4/4 like this is such a good and underused feeling and this song really deploys is perfectly. I want more of this, the good kind of math rock where it's not just guys doing midwest emo tappy riffs that all sound the same.

Down 2 Hang - Kirin J Callinan: This is what meeting up with people from the internet feels like. It's kind of a shame that this album got completely overshadowed by the Jimmy Barnes screaming meme, and that it's the first and last a lot of americans will ever hear of Jimmy Barnes but in reality it's exactly what Kirin J Callinan wanted to good for him I suppose.

Fast In My Car - Paramore: If you can't tell already I'm having an extremely basic bitch moron man month and that included listening to this Paramore album a lot and telling my girlfriend about how isn't it so interesting that the guitarist Taylor York just took over drum duties for this album after their longtime drummer quit and did such a good job playing drums AND guitar and her rightly not caring at all. I'm always impressed by songs that keep the same chords through the verse and chorus, it seems impossible but it works great here.

Don't Stop The Dance (feat. Delafleur) - Breakbot: I'm clapping my hands to stress each syllable when I tell you that Disco Will Never Die.

Oqiton - Jeremy Dutcher: I'm so glad this album won the Polaris Prize because I feel like I would never have heard of it otherwise. I absolutely love it, and I think what I love so much about it is that it doesn't fall into the trap of similar projects like this in the past of smoothing out all the jagged edges and turning it into plastic pretty music from the untouched ancient peoples - it's a real and alive reinterpretation of old music that looks toward the future and past in equal measure. Including the actual original recordings in each track is such a smart move, it gives you the context you need so this album isn't about liner notes and extra sources and it lets those old recordings seamlessly fold into these new reorchestrations.

I Remember - Deadmau5 & Kaskade: Anyway moron month continues here with the only worthwhile contribution to the planet earth that Deadmau5 ever made, I suspect by letting Kaskade do most of the work. It sounds sadistic but I really appreciate how this song is nearly ten minutes long, I'm a big fan of any song with that much confidence that actually pulls it off.

Overtime - Jessie Ware: Fucking Jessie Ware is back and she’s got Bicep producing! I think I added this song to my playlist before it was even a minute in, I just heard the bassline and my brain stem said yes.

Body - Julie Jacklin: I really think Julia Jacklin might be the best songwriter around right now and I cannot wait for her new album. I guess this keeps with the moron man theme by telling it from the other side. I keep listening to this song and then getting into a real mood for about an hour afterwards so I can't imagine the damage the album is going to do to me.

Can't Tell Me Nothing - Kanye West: Throughout the whole ongoing Kanye drama I've been thinking of this song. " I feel the pressure, under more scrutiny, and what I do? Act more stupidly" "I'm on TV talking like it's just you and me". Anyway he's had is money right for a long time but it's becoming increasingly apparent that you really really can't tell him nothing. I think it's interesting that the thing that seems to have spurred him into clarifying his beliefs and finally backtracking on anything is that Candace Owens tried to credit him for the shitty Blexit thing and it turns out the one thing you can't do to Kanye West is manipulate him into putting his name on something he doesn't believe in or didn't create. It's insane that John Legend and Mos Def and Talib Kweli reaching out didn't change anything but Candace Owens taking one too many liberties absolutely did.

Like Wolves On The Fold - Colin Stetson: I've said it one million times but I love Colin Stetson. I love how straightforward this is for a Colin Stetson song. You can sing along to it! So much writing about him focuses on the intricasies of his technique rather than his resulting very human, very primal music. I feel like his music is not very far from beating on your chest and yelling a lot of the time (especially toward the second half of this song) and the saxophone element just makes it a lot more socially acceptable.

Sack 'Em Up, Pt. I / Sack 'Em Up, Pt. II - Gwenifer Raymond: Bandcamp had a really good article about American Primitive the other day https://daily.bandcamp.com/2018/10/10/american-primitive-list/ and I found this album in it and fell completely in love instantly. I listened to it five times in a row. It's just incredible and I'm so glad that the music I love is finally being rescued from the mire of New Acoustic youtube men with their slapping and tapping and harp guitars and moving forward in new ways with artists like Sarah Louise, Marisa Anderson and Gwenifer Raymond. Women are finally allowed to play guitar now and thank fuck. One of the things I really appreciate about this album is just how written it feels. Every part, even the very swirly Part One of this song feels very purposeful, and if not totally written at least improvised in a tight framework before moving into the completely written second half. There's nothing wrong with improv but in a genre like this that's almost overrun with guys putting out hour long improv records it's refreshing to hear someone with such a clear vision execute it so expertly.

Bleeding Finger Blues - Gwenifer Raymond: Also, get a fucking load of this. An absolute powerhouse performance from a master. There's not enough solo banjo music around and it's a shame because I don't know if there's a better argument for banjo as a solo instrument than this song. The other thing I like about this album is there’s three banjo songs on it, which works well for breaking up the sequencing and making each song really distinct in a genre where albums can really blend together.

4:30 - Danger: It's a shame that Danger never really fulfilled his potential. With songs as good as this as 19:11 he seemed set. But then he took about a decade off before his debut album and I guess he lost something along the way. Anyway, doesn't matter because when you've got a song as good as this it's all you need. Also here's a good video where someone just put this song over the bar scene from Terminator which really accentuates the vibe in my opinion. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z37R39-mff8

Crybaby - Abra: I love love love the production on this. A friend sent it to me because he said it reminded him of the Call Me Mr Telephone song I was raving about and he’s absolutely right. I love how formless it is, it goes through about three different verse ideas before finally getting to the chorus at about a minute and a half in and it’s only stronger for it. I’m so glad a new generation of darkwave adjacent people are discovering freestyle because this is great.

OMG!!! - Yelle: This song is probably best experienced with the music video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoWK4rV3INY It’s fantastic on its own, especially the “oh my god!” sample and the whole chorus section, but the video - titties out, covered in glitter, very very good dance move for the rising 'ooo' part, a hamster is there. Really accentuates it.

Copacabana (At The Copa) - Barry Manilow: Was thinking about this song the other day. Woke up with it in my head actually which was strange. I feel like this song and the Pina Colada song definitely take place in the same cinematic universe.

King Of The Dead - Cirith Ungol: I've been rereading Lord Of The Rings and also a very dodgy 70s sci-fi series called Dray Prescot and so divine fate has drawn me to discover Cirith Ungol. The good kind of metal where all the album covers could also be fantasy novel covers and all the songs are about how cool it would be to slay an ancient demon with a sword. I love this song because it feels impossible to sing it without doing some very dramatic face acting and also his voice is completely insane. I feel like this is maybe just how he talks.

Sugaree 10/21/1978 - Grateful Dead: Grateful Dead are good and ever since I came to terms with that I've felt like I'm always on the precipice of buying a box of tapes, covering my car in confusing stickers and dropping completely out of society. The problem with a big chunk of live Dead recordings that I've heard is that while the playing is always on point, the vocals can vary wildly - especially when they try any kind of harmony, but this recording is just great. Fantastic vocals with a lot of feeling, ample crowd noise so it doesn't feel like just a sterile soundboard recording, and of course an incredible extended jam.

Ring De Bell - Brother Resistance: I don't fully understand what rapso music is yet, I don't have enough understanding of the culture or surrounding genres. I basically just found this Best Of compilation and have been listening to it a LOT. As I understand it it's 70s Trinidadian calypso music that got very political, which is very cool. I'm a big fan of this sort of lyric where it feels like you could just go on and on for days about all the places you should ring the bell.

Kojack - David Rudder: The crown jewel of this compilation is of course this song I've posted about before and absolutely love to death. A protest song about them taking Kojack off the TV because it's too violent when shows like Dallas and Dynasty, which are far worse, remain on the air. Miami Vice! Before youtube comments and online petitions you had to make extremely good songs about this kind of thing, and its a huge shame that we've allowed this to die.

The Power Of Love - Celine Dion: I love Celine Dion because all her songs sound like they were recorded across 5 countries and 8 different studios and cost two million dollars. They always sound too expensive for casual listening to me, like I should have an emergency mink coat on me at all times just in case The Power Of Love starts playing in a supermarket.

Airworks - J Dilla: I've been listening to Donuts a bunch this month and really thinking about what makes him so good and the vast legion of Dilla imitators on soundcloud bad and I think this song is a good example. The main sample sounds straight up ugly, it's backwards and twisted to hell, the main strings part keeps folding over itself, it's just chaos but completely controlled chaos. Every imitator is so afraid to make a total mess like he does and is too focused on the underpinning laid-backness of the beat, where Dila somehow makes the relaxed feeling easily as a result of a million clashing elements.

Anti-American Graffiti - J Dilla: I also found a playlist on Spotify where someone had put together Donuts with all of the the original tracks it sampled (or at least the ones that are available on Spotify) and it's such an illuminating new way to listen to this album. https://open.spotify.com/user/keatonkreps/playlist/1TPeWt38uceWXD1Vhyf7wx?si=NJ_jHrYqQpCt18q-W9nrag

Marvel - Solillaquists Of Sound: Every genre has good music in it. Even rappity rap conscious hip hop has good songs like this one. There’s another song on this album called Popcorn that’s basically the It’s Media picture converted to a .wav but this song is good. Especially her vocals when they come in halfway through sounding like an astrology zine except good.

Rock Island Line - Johnny Cash: Johnny Cash has around one million songs about trains, including ‘Blue Train’, ‘Train Of Love’ and a song called ‘I’ve Got A Thing About Trains’ but this is the best one because it’s about train-related fraud and doing perhaps the most outlaw country manoeuvre ever and telling the toll man that you’re carrying livestock when you are in fact carrying pig iron.

I <3 U So (Skream's Made Zdar Feel Like He Was 20 Again Remix) - Cassius: Also as a kind of coda, here's Skream's version of I <3 U So, where he's completely ironed it out and turned it into a pulsing dnb thing which is always impressive to me when people completely reverse the feel of a song in a remix.

Worms Of The Senses / Faculties Of The Skull - Refused: Stereogum had a really good article about The Shape Of Punk To Come on its 20th anniversary and whether it really did turn out to be the shape of punk to come. They asked a bunch of people whether the title seemed arrogant and the vocalist from La Dispute had a really good answer where he said "But it’s like calling your shot and then fuckin’ hitting a home run. If it was arrogant, it was justifiably so." which is so great. https://www.stereogum.com/2020358/refused-shape-of-punk-to-come-turns-20/franchises/sounding-board/​

listen here

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

Rewatching Syren

The little mermaid is my favourite ondertale episode

What kind of dystopia do these poor Parisians live in where stuff like this is happening even when there aren’t akuma attacks going on??? ignore Pocahontas in the corner okay that’s just the Disney Channel thing, the sequel sucks anyway

Uh just a warning. So, I know in these rewatching ml posts I always harp on about Kimax this, Kimax that, Kimax Kimax Kimax. But the truth is that after 2 seconds of seeing Ondine onscreen I already wanted her to marry Kim so be prepared for me screeching over Kimdine a lot in this thing okay, I am TRASH and I’m not even sorry about it

How much do you wanna bet Kim has broken every single one of these rules multiple times

HE PINNED HIS TOWEL TO HIS SHOULDERS LIKE A CAPE, HE’S SUCH A DORK I LOVE HIM???

I love Ondine so much too, she’s basically buff freckly Ariel and she’s so cute oh my god freckles for days

Okay so the sign’s in a bunch of different languages and I’m 99% sure Kim has ignored it many, many times

He didn’t put his goggles on when he went underwater, and actually neither of their swimming caps cover all their hair ugh they’re both disasters, I love them

She’s BLUSHING and everything how does Kim not notice this??? He’s all like “oh that boy you like must be so dumb lol” well yeah Kim, yeah HE IS

Can I gush for a second about Ondine’s design?? They actually made her look like a swimmer, like with big shoulders and arms everything, and she’s fairly tall, and she’s got freckles everywhere (at least 40 on her face alone, I counted) and thick eyebrows and it all just makes her super GORGEOUS like yes can we get more character designs like these please?? (And KIM OH MY GOD LOOK AT YOU you’ve got it bad and you don’t even realize skdjfhksjdhkj)

Oh btw Ondine’s bracelet is 023 and Kim’s is 024, in case you wanted some useless information

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we, as a fandom, are sleeping on the fact that Kim can stick his toe in his ear and that Ondine thinks it’s cute and this is actually a canon thing that is canon

He even passes her the notebook with his feet?? Sometimes I wonder what she sees in him but then I remember I want to adopt him so like, there must be something

Reason #3274598347 why Kimdine are a great couple: they really must trust each other a hell of a lot considering they literally have a game where they spill their secrets to each other, like, they’re already close friends and know so much about each other and oh okay I may be using this rewatching post to just gush about my fav underrated canon otp oops

He still likes Chloé at this point? Really?? Really??? (And he’s just gonna casually leave the pool before knowing for sure that the animal attack is over? I guess he just expects to be able to outrun those panthers huh)

SHE EVEN DREW HEARTS ON IT AND EVERYTHING, THAT’S SO ADORABLE??? KIM PLEASE NOTICE HER OKAY I WILL PERFORM THE MARRIAGE CEREMONY MYSELF

In the English dub at this point he literally calls her a “little mermaid”, huh maybe that Pocahontas icon in the corner isn’t totally irrelevant after all (also he implies this is nowhere near the first time Ondine has tried to confess her feelings, so basically Kim can join Adrien in the “she’s just a friend” club)

RENA’S BAAAAAAACK AHHH I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE HER AGAIN, ALYA GETS TO BE A HERO AGAIN AND I’M SO PROUD

That eyeliner

Grumpy Chat gives me life okay, it’s so funny to me for some reason

Uh... it’s not just me who thinks Rena looks really, really pale, is it?

Alya just straight-up flirts with Ladybug, she’s not even being subtle

WHEN ONDINE CRIES I CRY

The lifeguard doesn’t even wait a second when Syren turns up, he just starts running, what a mood

MARKOV IS BACK!!! MY LIL ROBOT BABY!!! And Max too, I’m always glad to see him

I genuinely want to watch Mecha Monkey vs Cyber Shark 3 though

Kim’s hair really Did That

Question: did Markov need a ticket?

Look at Kim in the background being sad that Chloé didn’t show up omg

Tfw the guy you like is so oblivious that you cry enough to flood an actual city

WHY ARE ALL KWAMIS ALWAYS SO ADORABLE *flips table*

I’m actually really proud of Marinette, she’s been put into such a tough situation where she wants to tell Chat Noir the truth but isn’t allowed, and she’s trying to do something to change that because she trusts him and understands his frustration

Mmmmm cronchy

This lil elephant decor got me thinking, how cool would an elephant miraculous be?

This poor boy is just sitting alone being emo when he’s attacked by the floods

HNSDFJSHDNFJSHDF I’M NOT OVER THIS

I’m not Plagg or anything but that stuff genuinely sounds really good okay

My little brother’s reaction to Plagg hyperventilating into a sock was “big mood” and honestly? Tea

CLASSMATES!!! Nino getting a slight amount of screentime!! Good stuff

What’s Max up to? “Psst Markov, do you think Kim will ever love me?” He looks sad okay I wanna give him a hug

Ah yes, my favourite companies, “Cinema Productions” and “Film Studio”

Alya clinging onto Nino!!!

An interesting thing is that while Syren is one of the nicest (if not THE nicest) akuma villains, I’m pretty sure she has the highest death toll by far. Tidal waves and mass flash-flooding in a major city?? Thousands and thousands of people have gotta be dead and you know it, like imagine if she’d accidentally killed Kim too, that would have been awkward

Marinette and Alya being heroes and making sure everyone got out okay omg, they’re heroes even without the mask

There really are not many survivors up on these rooftops, are there...

Kim is just on another level of Iconic entirely??? Paris is flooded with his future bae’s tears and he puts on a swimming cap and goggles (which he doesn’t use) and immediately leaps into the water, and then tells Markov (who is a tiny robot and allergic to water) to learn to swim like a frog, what even goes through his brain

THEIR FACES AKJFHKSDJHFSKJDHKG

*dun dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN DUN DUN*

“KIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!!!!” Here is the mandatory Kimax part of the rewatching post -- Max is so worried for Kim??? He’s the first one to react and the only one to like, properly react??? Ugh my multishipper heart

The fact that Alix went to look means either she does at least slightly care about Kim, or she’s just super hyped to watch him drown, and I’m not sure which is funnier tbh she’s so fake though unlike Alya she just stands there not even trying to look

Me trying to row anything, ever

Alix has one single line in the entire episode and as usual, it’s the BEST line

*physically restrains myself from making a Shape of Water reference because it’s been done so many times by now*

My small brother laughs a lot at this scene because he says it reminds him of the time Chat Noir put a bowl on Prince Ali’s head and now I can’t unsee it

This hurts me in my soul okay, she wants to tell him but she caaaaaan’t

Huh, Fu managed to get a lot of stuff up on the roof with him, how’d he have time for that?

Lemme just cover my nonexistent ears for a sec

The best thing about this scene is that all the jokes Marinette tells aren’t even funny, I’m honestly cackling with laughter

AQUATIKKI. AQUATIC. I ONLY JUST GOT THAT OMG

Also?? These new costumes??? I love them holy moly

Fu has cobra venom... bro... listen I researched that stuff for a certain fic and uh you don’t want that stuff lying around, trust me, it is NOT A PLEASANT WAY TO GO

I know my first reaction to this should not be laughter, but it’s just so funny seeing Adrien being bratty for once okay this is g r e a t, ah yes Paris being FLOODED and UNDER ATTACK is a very good time to take off your ring

Heartfelt Plagg!!! I love him

So uh... if Kim is Syren’s prince... does that make him... Prince Kim... AHEM ANYWAYS that throne she made for him is so cute and I can’t believe he doesn’t even care that he got kidnapped by an akuma villain ‘cause hey, it’s a hot shredded mermaid therefore Kim’s a scalie and it’s CANON

So he’s all like “I’ve never seen a siren at the pool before??” which means that 1. He doesn’t realize she’s an akuma villain, he just genuinely thinks she’s a siren who actually lives in Paris, and 2. he knows what a siren is and doesn’t put 2+2 together that this particular siren has chosen him as prey and is luring him into staying underwater with her forever

I legit think about this scene every single day. The writers were probably like “okay so we need a mermaid episode, which kid in the class would be most likely to be seduced by a m-- KIM. IT WOULD BE KIM.” He’s just realized this freckly fish is Ondine and that she’s in love with him and just... hhhh I have a lot of feels it’s like 1am okay

He wants to be a merman so that he can swim fast, that’s so Kim of him I’m in tears omg, Syren doesn’t even care she’s just being a creepy fish with 100 freckles on her face (I counted) tempting him into staying with her at whatever cost

Asjdhskdjhfksjd he KNOWS she’s an akuma villain and still wants to kiss her?? Well to be fair Ondine’s evil yandere mersona is very pretty and Kim never really uses his brain for thinking, so... yeah

“Okay so I want to kiss u but I also wanna watch this movie DO U SEE MY DILEMMA” I love his reasoning so much

My exact reaction on seeing Ladybug’s new outfit

Look how happy she is to see Chatfish in his new costume!! Bless them both tbh, I’m a lil sad we didn’t get to see Aqua-Plagg though, how amazing would that have been

Kim geeking out over their costumes is not only such a mood but also it’s adorable and oh shoot I ship him with Ladybug too, I have too many Kim ships I swear

HE LOOKS SO SAD WHEN HE’S TALKING ABOUT HOW ONDINE GOT AKUMATIZED?? I’m like 99% sure at this point he’s realized he likes her too and probably feels so bad about unknowingly causing her to be upset enough to get akumatized omg my HEART okay I should stop endlessly gushing over Kimdine now shouldn’t I

“You wanna know my secret???” Okay wait, was he... was he about to stick his toe in his ear in front of Ladybug

Oooh do French numberplates actually do this thing? like, have numbers on top of each other like that? That’s pretty interesting

I work at a doctor’s surgery and I can tell you now, even Master Fu’s handwriting is more legible than half the stuff I have to decipher written by those darn doctors

ERBAL EDARIUM

I wonder what would happen if Tom actually ate one of those

You gotta love how unsubtle that Frozer foreshadowing is

For the first time in the episode, she’s actually wearing her goggles!

The fact that he asks her out?? Using their secrets game?? Is just so sweet?? They just care about each other so much look at them?? Ugh just get married already you freaking scalie disaster jocks

I know Nathalie’s sorting out a schedule but it kiiiinda looks like she’s playing Tetris lol

UHHH HEY MASTER FU?? QUICK QUESTION, WHAT DID YOU DO TO ADRIEN’S CHINESE TUTOR?? HE’S NOT... SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES... IS HE?

YEAH ME TOO ADRIKINS, I’M HELLA SUSPISH

On the one hand Gabe yelling at Nooroo makes me want to punch him, but on the other hand he’s literally asking outright how to become a mermaid

THERE’S AQUA-PLAGG!! YES!!! I know this end card was more cringey originally and they changed it, but it’s still cringey ngl

(And idk where else to put this but fun fact: there’s a Septimus Heap book called Syren and it’s rly good, it doesn’t have any fishybugs and chatfish in it but it’s good)

[feitclub]

2018: The Good, The Bad, the Unfinished Business

Happy New Year everyone! Enjoy these selfies from the last evening of 2018. Today is a time to reflect on the year that just ended.

I went through a lot of personal ups and downs in 2018, but on the whole I think I'm in a better place today than I was one year ago. My day job continues to be my day job, a little more stressful this year than the last thanks to a literal shakeup (the Osaka Earthquake forced us to close for weeks and clearly made the company gun-shy about spending any money that didn't need spending) but the fact is I did my best and I'm getting another raise in 2019. In even better news, I started writing for Retronauts in 2018 (here is a thread of my favorite pieces that I wrote last year) which has been incredibly fulfilling even as my brain continues to goad me by diminishing my contributions at every opportunity. However, it is an objective fact that I was asked to join the Retronauts team and if I wasn't doing a good job then that offer would surely be rescinded. Instead, after writing a few scattered pieces, I was told that if I wanted to write even more than I should do that.

Part of me still feels like a failure for not finding a full-time writing gig when I was out of work in 2016, but I seem to have found a decent middle-ground right now with a day job that I find emotionally supportive and a regular writing opportunity which is a good fit for my style and tastes.

2018 was a rough time for me as a video game enthusiast. I struggled to even play, let alone complete, many of the games I bought. So many of them proved to be too difficult for me to tolerate spending time with. Going forward, I really hope I find a better mix of play time/work time because, as a Retronauts contributor, it would behoove me to play more video games and formulate an opinion on them.

Otherwise...well, my podcast has stalled. Livestreaming was a bust and my YouTube channel is covered in cobwebs. It's not that I can't resume making videos at any time, but at the end of 2017 I felt like I was starting something new and fun but after a few months of literally zero viewers, it was hard to justify the effort. Writing makes me money and all of the other stuff does the opposite: it's time I could be spending writing that instead goes nowhere.

The biggest surprise of 2018 was me falling head over heels in love with Dungeons & Dragons again. After a break of at least 30 years, some local pals sent out feelers for starting a game. I wasn't sure if I'd enjoy a return to tabletop role playing, and if these friends didn’t live so close to my job I might have abstained, but instead I agreed and the results have been nothing short of magical. I hadn't given it much thought until I arrived at their house that first evening: other players already had concrete visions of their characters' class, mood, and appearance. I...honestly, I felt like I was being asked to do homework so I put it off until the last possible moment when I kind of blurted out "um, how about I make a Tiefling Paladin?" As luck would have it, no one else in the party was doing either of those things, so I rolled with it. At first I just did the standard RPG stuff: use weapons, kill monsters, maybe have a laugh with some fellow adults. But I quickly got very invested in both my character and the opportunity to take a break from being a dad or a teacher or even...a guy. My DM asked me for my character's backstory, I responded by writing nearly seven pages with wide-margins and single-spacing. She enjoyed it so much, I'm giving serious thought to writing more stories about my character, something I never ever considered before.

And speaking of "role playing," well, there's something else that was on my mind all throughout 2018: how I present myself to others. Longtime readers may have heard me - really heard me - when I expressed my uncertainty with my name, my sexuality, and even my gender in past writings. It has been difficult to manage my internal feelings versus outside pressures in regards to these things. I've become more open about telling people not to use my first name, and at this point I introduce myself with my last name, but the fact is...I have a new first name and I'm just too shy to tell it to most people. I told my mom, I've told a couple friends who've asked, but most people don't have an alternative to calling me "Feit" or even just "D." Yet online forms and my job sadly require me to have a fully-functional first name and I'm sick of being addressed by my legal nomenclature. This should be easy: "Hey everyone, I'm no longer [old and busted] I am now [new hotness]." But I'm too scared to take that step yet and I don't know how to cross that bridge - to say nothing of "Hey everyone, sometimes I think about kissing a variety of people" and the even stickier "Hey everyone...I don't think I'm a man. But I am not a woman! Anyway, enjoy your lunch."

So where does this leave me in 2019? I no longer wish to sit here in limbo in the closet to most people, out of the closet to others, all the while sitting here unsure of what kind of closet I'm in. Even if I post this publicly, most of the people I interact with day-to-day aren't going to read it. I need to be OUT. I need to SHOUT this aloud, likely more than once, or nothing will change. I have to renew my passport in 2020 and that document will determine how every Japanese agency will address me for the next 10 years. I don't want it to have the wrong name.

Unfortunately there is no way anyone reading this can help me. I have to find it in myself to stop being a coward. No...I have to convince myself the time is right to tell everyone. Because if 2019 is about me being straight (lol bad word choice) with people, I need to pay myself the same respect. Less self-deprecation, less talk of "I'm a coward" "I'm disgusting" "I'm a failure."

What if 2019 is the year I try to be kind to myself by standing up for what I believe?

There's literally only one way to find out.

Happy New Year.

Love,

...

Feit

[chantalthuy-yall]

[A DAY TO REMEMBER // PERSONAL POST 1/2]

Dear Tumblr,

I want to write an open letter to convey some of my feelings here because I feel more confident and comfortable in my own space and this blog is my space dedicated to Chantal. Thank you to whoever will read this, I am truly grateful to anyone and anything right now.

As my hands are shaking and stuttering words I don’t recognize on my keyboard, I want to hold on the hope that I will make sense at any point in this (long) rambling of mind that I am on the verge to provide us; as I am trying to process all the feelings, all the emotions I’ve been received since the release of Black Lightning 2x05, I beg your pardon if I ultimately failed this sole mission.

But first of all... AM I ALLOWED TO CRY WITH Y’ALL???!!!!!!! I CAN’T WITH CHANTAL OR ME OR ANYBODY RIGHT NOW. I AM GOING SO INSANE. SEND HELP. PLEAAAAAAASE.

Okay, fuuuu~! Now, let’s go back to the beginning, shall we? 

First, I want to start with little Eloo. (me) being about 7 years old, an already heavy reader of mangas -especially shonen-, watching old animes like Goldorak, being in love with both Actarus and his girlfriend (lol), and more recent ones at the time, like Saint-Seiya. I remember taking my Wednesdays’ lunch at home glued on the TV, in front of Initial-D. I was totally the kind of kid to go to see the bookstore owner of my neighborhood after school, almost every day, to discuss and discover more about the world through channels of communication I appreciated the most. My sole interest apart from Asian culture was the historic Antiquities period, especially Egypt and later growing to Greece and then Roma and its Empire. I was poorly interested by the history of my own country at first, and even less about anything or anyone that more or less looked like me (or at least, what I thought was similar to me). 

Around 9 years old, my father came back with four very old computers, broken, that his company had just throw away. It was the first time I was touching a computer. I will always cherish the memory of this entire weekend my father and I spent to try to fix the many problems these old pieces of junks had. My father had just broken down every piece inside the tower and named every single one of the components. I didn’t know why, maybe out of admiration for him, I just thought that one of this computer and I were going to be best friends. So, after hours and hours of assisting my father in his every move, we managed to save two out of the four computers he had taken back home. He installed a software, Microsoft 1995, and said to me: “you know, the truth is, my company is throwing these computers away because they say that they are slow and not appropriate for our work anymore, but the only problem I see for these computers is actually the change of software. We installed Windows XP on all our computers but the components inside are not powerful enough to sustain XP decently. I am installing 1995 on yours because it’s what will make your computer goes from a Citroen to a Porsche.” And my father was right. The interface was old but it got me through days and night of web searching for contents. The first thing I did was opening word and started to write stories. I couldn’t stop, for hours and hours, I was writing about the characters I liked and why I liked them and if I wanted to be them and if I had imaginary friends what would they look like, etc. It all started from this; the avid curiosity, you know? This impression you know nothing but it is exciting because you learn plenty. Within the first week, I had built my first music database, organized by country name, and singers inside the country files. By the second week I was starting to editing images with a new software I found on the web “Photofiltre”. The results were so ugly, but I was so happy about it. By the first month, I had collected more than 300 titles of world’s films I wanted to see in my life. I was reading scans of my favorite mangas online and I had made a schedule for the anime I wanted to watch each week. I was really happy. But as I was “out”, celebrating the world’s content by clicking on everything I found appealing, a gap started to grow between me, my knowledge, my parents’ knowledge, and our TV. I couldn’t stop talking about India, about Asia, about the Pacific Islands, about how I found Aborigines that were not Native Americans, etc., at our dinners’ conversations. But my parents couldn’t really follow me anymore. And I felt that. And it started to hurt. Soon after, they just decided to put me in front of the TV again because “[I was] too much on the computer, [I was] shutting [myself] down to others.” The truth being that I am a very nice and extrovert kid but at that time I was a bit shy. So I perfectly knew that it was an excuse to “reconnect” with “my” world. And here I was cradled again by a thousand faces analogous to mine, with their problems being where to go on vacation, losing one or two million out of their 23 billion’ fortune. My faith in TV providing me with some content I would enjoy had just totally disappeared at this point.

Instead, I learned to love by watching Bỗng Dưng MuốnnKhóc when I was 13 for the first time, and it stayed with me for 10 years (this year). It transformed me and transcended me in so many ways I cannot describe it. It made me caring and humble as not any teaching could have achieved this. Such a precious one! Instead, I learned about pain with One Liter of Tears. Pain for what we cannot fix yet, pain for this fatalistic optimism in the depth of darkness. I literally cried more than a liter of tears with this one. And I was so touched and traumatized by it that, for months, I kept writing letters to the main character Aya, in a notebook entirely dedicated to her.

Fast-forwarding to my 16, after all these years of me being educated by my researches on the web, shaped by the many things I’d watched and me being a part of the world and connected with many people in my own way, I realized for the first time what I was; or who I was. I had never ever asked myself that question before. I was just seeing myself as an empty content ready to be filled up each day with new knowledge. I was not black, or white, or cinnamon, or green. I was red; because red was my favorite color and red was what I was bleeding when I hurt myself. But the reality stroke me harder. I don’t want to make it sounds weird but I actually never realized I was white until an incident happened. I don’t wish to talk about it though, but all I want to say is that I discovered my whiteness very late and it made me question a lot of things after that. I tried to talk to my relatives about it, to my brother, but they didn’t understand my point. Discovering me not being what I thought of me was weird; my feeling was: I had been looking at a distorting mirror the whole time and for the first time, I was forced to look at me in the most basic mirror out there. I was nowhere near my favorite heroes. The kid that was identifying as Mulan, Nala,  Taranee, Alex, etc. was just a construction of my mind.  And suddenly, it got worse. Not for me, of course, because I was living a peaceful life and stuff, but for all of what my friends have been going through around me that I never picked up. Injustices, remarks from other white folks of mine, fucking annoying jokes on their origins or their parents, police control systematically happening for some of my friends, etc. All of these, a new world was opening right in front of my eyes. And in all honesty, I’ve never felt so dumb in my entire life, for not having been able to notice what I am saying here, earlier on. I was just naive, I guess.

This first punch in the face was followed by a second one, concerning then, my sexuality. The 1st time I thought about my own sexuality was also in high school (still in my 16, it was a rough year for my mental). I don't know why I was always subject to joke about my ambiguous sexuality there. People would argue "she's straight" / "no lesbian". But at that time, I wasn't really interested in trying things or having experiences. I was in love with my life, my family and my friends and that were enough. But others pushed me to decide; pressuring to know if I was someone in the closet. At that time, I wasn't aware of bisexuality because everybody kept splitting the concepts: everything was either black or white. But the more I thought about it myself, the more it felt off. I started to wonder why I am not able to feel more about one way than the other. It gave me a lot of pressure and internal struggles to understand that it was okay to feel this way. Once, I tried to talk about it to a friend, the immediate reaction was "you're a weirdo". I then decided to switch the subject and never talk about it again. Then two years later, I got a boyfriend and we once evoke our thoughts about sexuality. I thought that maybe it was the right moment to talk about this part of me I didn't dare to face because I thought he was open-minded enough to understand me. Again, I got unlucky. When I explained to him that I feel attracted to men he said that it was "normal". And then, when I followed up by saying to him that I've never fallen in love with a woman but I could strongly feel I was attracted to women as well, he laughed and said "that's so hot! I also love watching that on screen". It immediately gave me a strange feeling, as if I had accumulated dirt and mud on my skin. I said nothing and went back home. This time, I didn't want to just forget about this. It actually gave me the need to "identify" more specifically my "not normal" attraction because I was tired of searching for something I couldn’t find in the dark. So I searched for it and after reading, passing online tests like all young folks do, I came to the conclusion that I was bisexual. And suddenly it made sense. 

So then, of course, I wanted to look up to figures in media to make me more confident in accepting myself and be accepted by others. But the bisexual representation at that time was a continuous spreading of aberrant misconceptions. The key points I retained for my sexuality: unstable, thirsty, cheater, the famous bi-curiosity and the rejection or mistrust from both homosexuality and heterosexuality. Great!!! We stan a construction of oneself based on guilt and aberration, right? Products of society™! (LOL *sarcasm when you’re here, you stay here*)

Again, I am fast-forwarding but in short, after a long period of time dealing with these negative thoughts of myself, desperately trying to build up confidence in who I was and who I wasn’t, it finally stroke me: someone. Yes, I was someone. It was never a question of genders as people always tried to imply. It was never a question of thirst. It was about not labeling. it was simply about love; from a person to another. And while I found my satisfying answer concerning my sexuality, everything from that point started to be slightly better. I started to accept myself and I affirmed my love for others as unconditional.♡ I just love people so much; I always did. And I refrained from loving entirely without prejudice for such a long time... Nowadays it seems like a waste. But the most important part, in all of these events, is that I forgot to love myself. And as much as I want to make amends now, it is really hard. I am still learning to love myself every day a little more. I've made my way to a healthy acceptance of myself now, but sometimes my head cannot help but go backward and my mood crumbles again.  

Which brings me to my 20. That’s about the time I reconnected insanely with the US TV series. I discovered the baby series Sense8 and I got addicted to the love, the vision, the sci-fi they were feeding us with. I’ve never mentioned it but my favorite movie is Matrix, so I was ecstatic to dive in the Warchowsky work again. I learned to take some pride in who I was thanks to Sense8, I will never forget my self-esteem boiling at some point, under my veins. And last year, when they released the finale, I cried all my eyeballs out, stunned by the beauty of their work. And suddenly, I got empowered by the love, the sharing with other fans, the thought of “not being alone” in this.

And I sincerely thought “wow, representations have changed!”, “minds are changing”. And it was true because the newest representations on media blossoming here and there in diverse countries are strengthening this healthy path of constructing oneself. Bisexual representation has indeed evolved, and as the first concerned, I am happy and thankful to witness that. From shame to pride, from tears to smile, I am now confident that we are entering an era where people are given more and more room to speak up about these injustices. Or better, when they are turned down, they have the possibility to rebel, on numbers and with solidarity.  We now have strong female leads to carry our ideas and act responsibly on repairing the stereotypical behavior of many before them. My mind goes to many current ships thundergrace, avalance, wayhaught, kadena, deanoru, and many more. They are the one to help build a safe zone and a new space for younger generations to grow beautifully. But not only them, after making my way out of this, I also bare a responsibility toward others to prevent their self-esteem to go down like it did for me. 

SO in all of this, you must have gotten by now that I love being educated by mediatic content whether it is on the web or on Netflix or whatever. And I love sci-fi and superheroes. So what’s better than Black Lightning? I seriously don’t know because I love Black Lightning so much, I am so damn addicted to this show that sometimes I forget to live. BUT the best part (for me) to black lightning, is the addition of Chantal Thuy to the cast. Chantal is playing a bisexual woman of color, more specifically stated as Asian American. And her character, Grace Choi, stated as soon as her second episode on the show that she was bi, to one of the main characters (her now girlfriend Anissa, making the thundergrace ship). It felt so right, not justified, not aggressive, just perfect, I was actually tearing when I heard her words. I thought “this is the representation I always wanted to see. I see me, I see us.” and right after “I. NEED. MORE.” (yes, I am stating the obvious again haha). The more we dive into Grace character, the less we are disappointed and the more we become high and amazed by her: she is soft but strong-headed, she has a smile that could illuminate the whole world if it was ever shutting down, she loves Anissa and didn’t shy away to say it or feeling something when the line was blurred by Anissa’s actions. And now that the excellent 2x05 has passed, Grace showed us she had powers and she was hiding them. During 2x05 also, something very important happened again, and in all honesty, I’ve never watched such a raw and honest conversation that I would label as “pillow talk” between two same-sex characters in a relationship (and especially women). It moved me again because as a bisexual, we are often mistaken as the people that swipe left and right going here and there for sex. So usually if someone comes in for comfort or his/her own good, they will think that we have to take them all in. But as Grace stated very clearly: “[we] are not [...] handbag[s].” And I love it that she says that because this is exactly what I wanted to hear. She respects herself enough to stand up against this kind of behavior that harms us more than often. In a way, it’s toxic. In her defense, she loves Anissa, the problem is not in their love. The problem is in the way Anissa copes with her feelings and emotions. They are not on the same level of understanding yet. Both of them have to grow from the experience. And, I AM SO HERE FOR IT. I love that Chantal is slowly becoming a more present and an important character for the show. Again, I AM SO HERE FOR IT. It is really a true benediction to this world and I am very lucky to be able to witness that. 

That’s with all of that in mind that I decided to send a package to Chantal. To thank her for her amazing work on Black Lightning and on other characters too. Because while checking to her IMDb page, I realized that it was not the first time I had been watching her on TV. Indeed, the 1st time I saw Chantal on TV was with my grandma during summer vacations, watching Madam Secretary on her couch. But I didn't remember back then because I wasn't really into the show. It’s when I finally checked out again the episode 1x14 of Madam Secretary that I realized it was the same person. I remember that my grandma pushed me to stay to watch the show with her. My grandma loves these kinds of shows because she has never been able to travel physically outside our country. Yet, she traveled through her programs, discovering many different backgrounds and situations of characters she never expected. Madam Secretary and other shows such as the police or the attorney kinds often put minorities in a certain light, I wouldn't say the best, but the major audience responds to it with compassion. My grandma did so, it broadened her horizons a little bit. She was receptive to these stories and receptive to Nhung Chuang story too. I want to write it, so I’ll never forget.

In between yesterday and today, the mail safely arrived in Chantal’s hands. That’s what the content of this video is all about. Being honest again, it is the very first time I am sending a letter to someone I really admire like this. It never happened to me before. Stating the fact, I think it says it all. I have no word left because every single one she aligned one after another to talk to me has left me breathless and speechless. Her smile has supplanted the sun at this point, and I am in nowhere near a sane and healthy recovery. I’ve been hit by sunstroke.

In the second video, she thanks me for my letter and everything inside the package. But I still can’t understand. Chantal, why thanking me? I am the one that should be thanking you! Chantal, you are the most precious person we have in this universe. You are smart, kindhearted, beautifully generous, talented, pretty and honest. You have nothing to thank me for!! haha Anyway, all I want to say again and again and again is: I LOVE YOU. (Is that the hundredth time I am writing it to you yet?????) ♥♥

Thank you if you had the patience to read all these words until the end... I might edit the content later because it’s 02:22 AM where I live. xx, Eloo. Writing to me, and to her. (1/2)

[adriftpsyche]

ABEO Invicta - Class Prophecy

Dropping it here so old posts don’t get read lol.

A revelation from the Higher Being, which was bestowed shows the ABEO Invicta on what must soon take place. This was made known by sending me a vision, I testify to everything I saw – the people who hear this may or may not take to heart of what is written, because the time is near.

I turned around to see the scenery that was before me. And when I turned, I saw five doors, and each door leads to different futures, the five doors are paths that each person from the ABEO Invicta chose to tread, whatever lies ahead, will have been or will not be the choices they made.

As I slowly turned the knob of the first door, I saw that there was a wide field, it was filled with countless of chances and coupons of hope, the sky was clear and blue and the ground smelled like rain kissing the grass and one can see a vivid display of a rainbow; and in there, I saw Maxine​, who will realize that she has always been more than enough, and she will be able to give the life she strived for her family. In a ​kombong​, and with her long-time lover, she adds more graffiti ​on the walls of Marawi, spreading love and not war! One day, she will also try her luck in Masterchef Australia, but unfortunately, be eliminated over a horrible plating. Speaking of food, ​Neil ​inherits Holy Halo, levels up his charisma and interpersonal skills, which prompts his confidence to skyrocket even more with nowhere to contain it. And then it shifted to a more, familiar face, ​Kirstie​, her exposure with Indians brought her to ​a whole new world​, paving the way to travels and explorations of Asian culture which she writes on her columns in a magazine but Kirstie isn’t the only one capable of swooning men of different colors, but also ​Rodrick​! A number of them love his ​diction and his love for art and aesthetics. And in that magazine, the Gazette, ​Sittie – now Dr. Sittie Aslimah Malaco, gets featured for being a writer on her cultural heritage and is now among the highly recommended candidates for a leadership position in the MSU system and in occasion, meet-ups with ​Bea​, a spazzer and a content writer in All-KPop, a renowned site for KPop News who rediscovers herself and tries to puzzle herself back piece by piece in a steady but secure pace. Speaking of spazzing ang rediscovering the self, ​MaTet stands next to her. Like Bea, she’s still getting butterflies from her KPop idols and when she’s not, she uses her incredible ​patience for her teaching job at a Special Ed school. And ​Doreen​, oh our lovely goddess​, Doreen, continues ​to not claim a man, but own them, and has been getting ​breaststroke lessons from them ever since. She also revolutionizes pageantry by finding a way on how to stop these events in objectifying women. She paves the way for ​Azrael’​s two beautiful babies, by being their surrogate mother. Azra is happily married with a super hot Spanish man and lives in a beautiful bungalow located along the coast of Santorini in Greece. A beautiful surprise just like ​Sam’​ s, wherein after graduation, a small time talent scout found her, recruited and trained her which then boomed after 10 years, with her as the face of their agency. She is also a part-time secretary at a company. Of self-discoveries and dreams, Ralph​, becomes the John Green of the batch, writes melancholic but woke entries with a cigarette on hand and a glass of vodka beside beautifully disorganized drafts, in a quiet city night inside his apartment playing his indie music vibe.

After this, I went back out of the door, and proceeded to the second door, a lot of them chose to mold the minds of the next generation, the field was occupied with children looking up at several adults. ​Ave was one of them, an English professor at Misamis University after taking up her Masters degree, co-working with ​Eurey​, who followed her mother’s footsteps, and finally had her ​first long-term boyfriend​. But for ​Grace,​ a long-term boyfriend should be promoted to being a husband, and temporary kilays should be made permanent! ​Tiis ganda, no more! For surprises, everyone thought that ​Renz would become a PBA basketball player or a regular in Barangay Ligas​, but he becomes an elementary teacher while simultaneously teaching them to become the next ring legend. However, some things never change, he still continues to carry his big, bloated, and heavy bag that he has been carrying since college. Another surprise is Jocel​’s, she becomes a kindergarten teacher, out of curiosity on how the ​sociocognitive and language acquisition process happens in the human mind. Children are the perfect example for this process, and witnessing this over and over, never fails to fascinate her just like how Ate Koy ​continues to mold young minds in and out of the four corners of her classroom and has married with Sir Andrew, with her own beautiful kids who inherited her ​husband’s crazy beautiful curly hair. ​Ate Christine ​joins this group as well, she’s still the same quiet yet strict lady who is now a young school Principal that shows the children grace and simplicity. Another Ate in the field is Elaine, after a strong recommendation from the department, becomes a lecturer and then to being an English professor, by finishing her masters degree in MSU-IIT and will pursue her doctorate, where she will meet her first and last love of her life. Also in the same field is Danielle​, who still swears like a traffic horn, will be bagging awards in each of h r performances, and will be a dance and acting teacher in her own studio. She still performs along with her fiance, the critically-acclaimed Sir Michael Lagura, but dedicates most of her time to nurturing potential theater actors and actresses. These eight people, carry with them the power to unfold the minds of the youth and breed their confidence.

After this, I went back out of the door, and proceeded to the third door, those who were not afraid to strongly raise their voice for the unheard, and did not take neutrality for an answer. Their field was packed with an endless queue of people, patiently waiting for their turn to pour out and throw their weight to the persons at the end of the line which I can barely see. And so I walked over to see who were there and I saw ​Maegan​, still a very kind snowflake who also runs her own ​petshop​, becomes an animal advocate. Beside her was ​Lovely​, now a ​Pastora in a megachurch, and is giving everyone on the same field, a life-changing and anointed testimony that makes cold hearts beat again and dead dreams come alive again. ​AG and ​Ate Nikki​, are along the same lines with her – both of them become even more active leaders; AG, now a journalist in the Hope Channel while simultaneously trying to finish her masters degree and Ate Nikki, now the president of CARP, travels around the country to spread their advocacies. And advocacies are only ideas not unless there is a good promoter for that, like ​Fritz​, she continues to live up to her Moana persona as she ventures into many remote parts of Mindanao for a non-profit organization that holds educational and charitable works for environmental advocacies. Eventually, she settles down in Camiguin, where a lot of beautiful sunsets and ocean waters can be regularly seen. Contrary to beaches, I see ​Ate Patch, married to June, away from the city life in their quaint house with lovely cats roaming about. By way of art and writing books, as her living and advocates for destigmatizing mental illness through her works. The last in the circle is ​Lureva​, she finds her strength and confidence once again, where she becomes the president for Gabriella, an organization for women empowerment, she uses this platform to promote feminism, and abolish patriarchal dominance.

After this, I went back out of the door, and proceeded to the fourth door, are those who chose to represent, persuade, enlighten or discourage the public interest. In the field, I immediately saw Kuya JP​, a journalist and a researcher under the famous TV program, ​Kapuso Mo Jessica

Soho​, which helped him to be more ​longsuffering and modest ​towards other people. I also saw Ate Enya​, who becomes a filmmaker with a popular blog and holds online classes for aspiring filmmakers. Her first Masterclass was actually aired online a week ago. And of course, wher Ate Enya is, there is always the other half, ​Kuya Jzac​, a spazzer, who has gone in and out of South Korea and several countries to shoot, and study pop culture for a column in Sparkling! In that same pop culture, includes ​Kuya Roy​, a rockstar who has recently finished their second national tour and now owns a recording studio. Traveling countries have never been better, especially if they are for free! Flight attendant, Ivan​, now a revolutionary artist leaves each country he flies into with mind-numbing artworks, he also still accepts commissions on making lovely Powerpoint Presentations but he can now also make Keynote and Prezi presentation. And on presentations, nobody imagined that ​Shaira would be the brainmother of this era’s famous cosmetic taglines, she works for Teen Vogue and gets invited to speak on seminar-workshops to train young students who are into Journalism. She occasionally asks a lot of questions in our old groupchat. Another kind of presentation is ​Catherine’s​, where after graduation, she landed a few minor local modeling gigs, mostly for commercial products. She was then scouted by Mercator Artist and Model Management, a talent and model agency that housed some of the biggest models in the country including Miss Universe 2018 Catriona Gray, and has since then graced the Philippine television with her doll face. She also cover songs which can be found in her Youtube channel, some of which features Zarinah. Where they get all of these gadgets, instruments, equipments and all the technicalities? Of course, none other than from ​Peer​, who now goes around the country because he works as media advisor for a company who almost has everything, they loan and refer to him. ​Keanne​, also works on the same company who has now become a full-time IT specialist, still wearing that chinky-eyed smile. 

After this, I went back out of the door, and proceeded to the last and fifth door, in that field, are those who chose to protect and to promote the common welfare and those who have the passion to change in order for others to do great things. In the field, I only see a car, inside are a band of people you never thought we be in the same ride, behind the wheel is Zarinah​, the career woman. A lawyer with a voice worthy of being a pop music royalty, she’s the first ever lawyer in history who sings her opening speeches. Impressive, right? Sitting beside her is Claire, known for her unconventional ways, a rad lawyer who fights for LGBTQIA+ rights, perhaps she is one of the most influential lawyers in the media. At the back, ​Sheila​, former SK chairman, is now an active councillor of their city all the while actively playing volleyball leagues and sports events around Mindanao often crossing paths with multi-sport athlete veteran Lakandula who organizes more and more sports events throughout the country. Sometimes, h tries to wear ​pants on these events instead of his comfy shorts and casual slippers. ​Jolly, wins life one case at a time, putting criminals behind bars, in particular, those who continue to perpetuate misogynistic crimes. And proves to the world, or to the Universe rather​, that women empowerment can also be channelled in pageantry; there’s also ​Mia​, an ​angry lawyer. When she’s not walking around the court convincing people why justice should be served to the rightful, she’s in her fine house, writing fan fictions with LGBTQIA+ themes whilst tending to the needs of her eleven puppies and her wife, M. There to calm her is ​Jacky​, who works at the Municipal Office of Bacolod LDN, finally attaining a permanent position. She still continues to change her hair color​, but this time going for revolutionary colors such as neon orange, highlighter green, and mustard yellow, until such time that her hair has had enough of it and it starts to fall off her head. Not able to deal with the severity of her hair loss, she made the difficult decision to shave it all off and she decides to rock a bald head, serving mannequin realness. The most special of all the batch’s women of power was ​Jam,​ because of her love for film, she finally fulfills her dream to visit Hollywood. And as the ​first female chancellor of the MSU System​, she advocates for animal welfare, especially for cats. She also advocates for destabilizing stigmas on mental health. This advocacy is implemented to the institute that caused for the decrease of suicide attempts. I realize that visions are given to remind us that we can choose which dreams to pursue or to reignite a dying fire. It guides us to the right path and to the right destination. It also encourages our hearts and gives us strength in every good thing we do or say. Now, is the time to take that step and make no delay. 

 All those, only to be jolted back from reality – in front of me, is the scenery outside of my bus’ window blindingly disappearing from my eyesight the moment I try to focus on it. And then, the road becomes familiar, other than the several infrastructures and population added. It was just like the first time I travelled here for my freshman year. And after everything, I never also would have thought that I would come back to Iligan and attend my first ABEO Alumni Homecoming party.

[sixmorningsafter]

76 Theses

Oh hey there, Gabi. Long time no see. Hope your summer is going well as if I don’t already know because I follow you on Instagram, and I hope your med school prep isn’t destroying you I’m going to grad school in the fall, so girl I can only imagine. EDIT: GIRL HOW DID YOU POST A CHAPTER TWO DAYS BEFORE YOU MOVED AND STARTED OVER IN ANOTHER PLACE FOR FREAKIN’ MED SCHOOL

LMAOOOO FWIW I didn’t start over, I literally moved like 30 minutes away (and my family did a solid 75% of the work because what are big over-involved Puerto Rican families for). Summer was GLORIOUS. And 6 months ago, loooooool, I’M THE WORST. But you’re the best. This review is the best. Hope you’re crushing grad school (I know you are instinctively but I also know you are because I’ve talked to you about it and despite your humble nonsense I can tell you’re killin’ it). ANYWAY, diving on in to this literary masterpiece of a review:

Anyways, let me start by saying, literally every time you post a new chapter, I think “I’m ready, let’s go”. But literally, every time I read a new chapter, I am not ready, and you slay me every single freakin’ time. Dude, I have no clue how you do it, but every time, I die. Any more deaths, and I’d be a freakin’ Winchester.

A/N: looooool that’s incredible because every time I post a new chapter I think ‘this is it, this is where everyone realizes I don’t actually know how to write, it’s been fun’. But in all seriousness, girl, the fact that you make a point to send reviews after every chapter and go into detail like this is just–like honestly it’s reason enough to crank out 30K words of my bullshit. Not even kidding. If literally no one but you read this story I’d still write it because getting your hilarious whip-smart reviews are life. It’s so appreciated. It’s so appreciated.  

Off the bat, while you may believe this is a “filler” chapter, it is a damn good filler I wish I could write filler chapters as nicely and uniquely wtf. If you meant filler as in full of wonderful delightfulness, then yas girl this is the filler-est of filler chapters. Because if you meant this is some fluff piece that has nothing of substance, if you thought for once second that we aren’t thriving off the Bamon drama of the Steroline giggles, we’d all have to chase you out of town good thing you’re already moving.

This chapter is amazing, and on a personal spiritual level, I still can not get over your similes. I know that sounds silly and amateur, but while you’re hella awesome at metaphors, your similes, dude, are unique af, and every single time I write something that barely resembles something you’ve written, I’m staring at my screen like what the actual fuck is the nonsense? Sooooo, rest assured, this chapter is awesome (to be explained in great detail), and you’re awesome too (also to be explained in greater detail).

LMAOOOOO CASSIE I HAD TO LOOK UP WHAT A FUCKING SIMILE WAS HELP ME WHY AM I HERE. But DUDE, I actually have some words to say about this, the first ones being - GAH. Thanks so, so much love. I’m beaming. The second ones being - I ALWAYS think they’re weird when I write them. Seriously. Like that feeling you said you get when you try getting creative with a description is the exact same one I get -ROLL WITH IT. I had to learn that by just sucking it up and posting shit with unusual descriptions and then seeing what kind of feedback I got for it (which tbh makes it sound like I’ve been doing it for a while lololol but I actually just recently started challenging myself to get more creative with my descriptions for things). It actually came from constantly reading writing with cool imagery (Six of Crows was a great one!) and realizing that they never fell back on tired/common metaphors. They always used something unique (Kaz’s voice being like dry leaves scattering across pavement or w/e? Lmao you know how I felt about the constant descriptions of Kaz’s voice but I loved that one). I’m clearly nowhere near that level but I’ve definitely taken to stopping a few times while writing and going, ‘Wait. This is a chance to come up with something cool. Slow down. Do better.’ Cause tbh I have no instinct for it. I don’t think in creative metaphors or similes or whatever. But if I labor over it for a minute or two I can maybe come up with something, so yeah, THE POINT OF ALL THIS BEING - it probably sounds a lot better to a reader than it will to you. They feel and read unnaturally to me because they don’t come naturally to me, lol, but the people reading probs don’t know that so trust yourself! Do it! Knowing you and your talent they’re probably incredible.

Okay, so, in an attempt not to be mundane, let’s go through this fav line by fav line please forgive me if I just rewrite the whole chapter because ff.net doesn’t let you copy/paste

“She remembered feeling alarmed, a little helpless, like a plastic bag caught in the middle of a hurricane” (us FL girls can spot one another from miles away) (but also???? great simile). Poor Damon, but also poor Bonnie. This girl is just tryna help—it’s the core of her being, tbh—and this boy is too proud. Not like proud-proud, but that oh-shit-I’m-exposed proud. You know.  A/N: AMERICAN BEAUTY REFERENCE WHADDUP. Lol I was channeling that plastic bag shot at the end of the movie. Granted there’s no hurricane in that but you know, us Florida girls put hurricanes into everything. And yeah, that’s a great read on Damon. His pride/confidence is something he uses as a shield more than anything, which isn’t to say it’s fake exactly, but more so something he relies on to stay detached and not really have to deal with things. It’s easy for him to be like ‘world sucks, I don’t care’. Anytime anyone sees below that confidence/armor, though, it’s really destabilizing for him because it makes the reality of his fears/anxieties harder to ignore, ya know?

Kai calling out “Friends?” is the most relatable thing. He’s a murdery little bean.

“And sure, maybe she’s being a giant, hypocritical pot to his doesn’t-deal-with-childhood-trauma kettle…” Yes girl, these lines are really awesome. Also, I like how Bonnie recognizes the cycle right away. She’s like ‘been there done that broseph’.

“Do you have any pop tarts?” this girl asks. Lol when you stress eat. Btw, we never find out if she got them??? I need answers???? I feel like Kai could 3D print pop tarts if he needed to.

“Toodles”: I had a friend (loose usage of the term) in hs who used to say that, for real, and it’s funny ‘cause she was this gossipy diva (Bekah?) and reading this just sent me back. Also, toodles is such a passive-aggressive thing to say, especially for Care. I don’t think toodles has ever been said without the backing vocal of ‘I hate you please die’.

“… the prospect of going through the whole song and dance made her bones ache, it was so tiring.” FINALLY, CAROLINE, YOU’RE FREE OF THE CURSE I can tell not really, but, at least, we’re getting through some of that warding doe. RIGHT!? Lol I was excited to put that bit in because it was sort of my attempted nod to everyone reading that it was okay (actually encouraged!) to feel frustrated with Caroline’s constant mood swings because she herself hated them. They weren’t meant to be read as a some ‘fascinating complicated girl’ thing, you know? I feel like a lot of shows (esp. with male writers) like to write these female characters that are difficult and volatile for the sake of being ‘interesting’ and I kind of wanted everyone to know that I wasn’t going for that. Caroline’s coming from a place of fear. She knows what she’s doing isn’t fair. She knows it’s angering and more trouble than it’s worth. And even more than that, she hates it just as much as everyone else does, and by the time we hit chapter 16, she’s finally too drained to listen to that frantic instinct to self-preserve. She just throws caution to the wind and lets it go. It’s still scary for her but what can you do. But you’re right, she’s getting there!

***Side Note*** when is Tyler gonna be a thing, I need some sma Tyler in my life rn Me toooooooo he’s my husband. He should be popping in for 18 or 19!

Stefan’s recap of what happened, “you planned the homecoming dance at the same time as the football game”/”False” is great. I really love your back-and-forth dialogue, like always, ‘cause it’s natural and it’s funny as hell. Idk, when I write it (or sometimes when I read other people’s), it doesn’t have that same fast pace hilarity. Maybe that’s just me. It’s definitely just you cause I’ve read your dialogue and it’s hilarious, but one thing I’ve found that super speeds up dialogue is removing the dialogue tags. Seriously. Makes a world of difference. Like I don’t think it’s even possible to write an extended snappy exchange with dialogue tags tbh, cause your mind will just naturally slow it down to read the description. Half the time I go back to edit, I’m just removing unnecessary dialogue tags or descriptions that felt needed at the time. It helps if you can pick dialogue that sort of speaks for itself in terms of how it’s said, too (and realizing that once you’ve set the tone of a conversation, you really don’t need to keep re-emphasizing that tone - it really only needs to be addressed if there’s a shift imo). Also, I’ve kind of found that leaving out subjects can both make dialogue sound way more natural and also speed it up. Like even in the example you used below: “You’re ridiculous”/ “Effective” / “Terrifying”/ “Productive”/ “And impressive as hell” it wouldn’t read the same if it was: “You’re ridiculous.” “I’m effective.” “You’re terrifying.” “I’m productive.” “And you’re impressive as hell.” See how it slows it down? And throw in dialogue tags and it’s even slower. “You’re ridiculous,” he said. “I’m effective,” I countered. “You’re terrifying,” he replied. “I’m productive,” I quipped. “And you’re impressive as hell,” he concluded. To me that just completely changes the speed/flow. So yeah, there’s my unsolicited advice on snappy dialogue, lolololol.

Caroline’s interjection: “Systematic overview” lol

“You’re ridiculous”/ “Effective” / “Terrifying”/ “Productive”/ “And impressive as hell”—ooooo, Stefan! Your heart-eyes are showing! 

***Side Note*** so, uh, are we ever gonna find out what Stefan allegedly did? Muahaha yes. Kind of. Iz cute.

His deadpan face eased into a smile—one of those twinkling, warm ones that reminded her of honey spilling off a spoon—and predictably, annoyingly, her stomach did a flutter—gold. I feel like you can really get away with lines like this when it comes to Steroline because a) Caroline is a writer and b) Stefan is a Disney prince I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU USED THAT BTW I’M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF BUT DUUUUDE LISTEN I have so much fun writing in Caroline’s PoV because I can write things in a way that I can’t with other characters. I think you’ll see a lot of that in 17 when Caroline dives into her Matt history. And Stefan’s fun because he’s such a fucking sap so I can get as dumb as I want. He has a scene in 17 where I’m like ‘jesus christ dude get a grip’. Damon’s my annoying son because he’s closed off as hell so I always have to keep his thoughts muted and on-the-brink-of-something. Bonnie probably comes the most easily. Anyway, there’s my response to a question that was never even asked.

“It was the elephant in the room, big and obvious and floating over their heads like a light-up blimp. None of this frothy, chit-chat matters, it read in a glitzy, scrolling marquee, waving its animatronic trunk, y’all are fake.” … Does it ever get exhausting? Knowing that you’re literally the best at this metaphorical imagery thingies that need an actual name so I can use it and throw it in your face like, look at this gabi, think about what you’ve done? I almost cut that out because I thought it would feel random! See? That was one of those ‘pause’ moments where I almost left it as ‘the elephant in the room’ and then was like ‘you can do better than that’, and then after I extended it I was like ‘that sounds weird as hell but whatever roll with it’. So roll with yours, girl!

“An awkward beat passed as they regarded each other in the bright, exposing overhead light”/ “the lighting too clinical for such a personal conversation”. So, recently, coupling physical and metaphorical description has really been my jam, and I am so totally digging this. I have this weird thing where I feel like the lighting has to be soft for intimate conversations and if it’s not I’m like not in the right headspace for it, looool. So I’m glad you’re weird about that with me!

“[Katherine] was tough. Cynical. Her arms would lock tightly around him, jaw set, damning the world and the fucked up people in it.” Nice glimpse at the infamous Katherine Pierce. Can’t wait for a possible cameo from her in the future. NYE! Hopefully. I might be overselling NYE.

“Melted, really, like a clock in a fucking Dali painting.” Ok so like, do you Google this shit or is your brain just going a million miles a minute, coming up with stellar ways of impressing us (me)? Like jfc Gabi, calm down. LOOOL okay that one was instinctive because I compare legit every melty thing to a Dali clock. My sister’s cat has no bones and liquifies into whatever space she inhabits and we call her a melted clock.

“Floaty, useless goddamn feathers” this is cute i’m fine

“The Tylers” mention: Tyler believes in love? Is Tyler a Stefan, and that’s why Defan gels? Does Tyler have a girlfriend or boyfriend or a something?!?!? How cute! I feel like the best way to describe Tyler is like… surprisingly well-adjusted. Like he definitely had some shitty things go down in his life (abusive dad), but he had a loving mom and an unexpected support system in Damon and Katherine and because of that, he’s grown up to be this easy-going, confident guy. He’s definitely got a wild streak because of Damon and Katherine, but even when he went out with them they always kept an eye on him, always kept him out of the real dangerous stuff. He grew up loved. So when it comes to romantic love, he’s a casual optimist about it. He’s not some heart-on-his-sleeve romantic, but he believes it’s out there. His issue is kind of that he gets along with everyone (one of those types), so no one’s really knocked him off his feet yet love-wise. “The Carolines”: oh shit, called out. I love that he can read her like a goddamn book even though they aren’t anything under the surface at all. Like that just shows how good he is at this. Yessss, love that interpretation. I kind of wanted to emphasize how much he has everyone pegged so that it would heighten the contrast to how much he keeps having to redefine Bonnie.

“She’d cracked his varnish”—nice—“so thoughtlessly, like it wasn’t something he relied on”—oh shit—“and for what?/ “For shits and giggles? To see if she could?” Like usually I can handle these lines I’m lying but how sad and fucked up is it that Damon thinks Bonnie was only kind to him for something. I totally understand his mindset (like get where he’s coming from), but jfc honey, Bonnie is the Hufflepuffiest (which kudos btw for using the house for both ships, nice nice, I’m honored on behalf of us honey-badgers) and she literally didn’t try to help for anything. He def. struggles with the idea of people being kind for no reason. AND YAS GIRL HONEY BADGERS UNITE! KINDNESS EVERYWHERE! YOU get some kindness. YOU get some kindness! ERRBODY IN DA CLUB GETTIN KINDNESS.

“He scoffed again, shaking his head—worry. Concern./ “Unwanted things.” CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IS THE SHIT, MAN. All us writers out here (or just me idk) are screaming and, probably totally weeping.

“Her eyes looked a little buggy in her magnifying goggles, hair in a mess of curls, and instantly, unwantedly, he felt a bit of the cool distance warm right off him.” Oh silly boy. Like you can actually resist how adorable Bon-bon is. Also, love nerd!Bonnie, can she come back some more? I’m going to incorporate it into 17! I think. Lmao I will now.

“It means I don’t need you to fucking fix me.” Yikes, dude. I always worry that those mood-shift lines aren’t going to pack enough of a punch so I love when you single them out.

“One little emotion glitch”… It’s really interesting you put it this way. Stefonnie are all heartstrings and mush, and Daroline are very ones-and-zeros, very programmed­-and­-defined. And this ties into Kai’s “logic” speech, because while these no-strings-attached sillies think they can avoid what makes us all human, they’ve got another thing coming. These fools are just as sappy-feely as their romantic counterparts. TRUEFAX.COM I wanna change the story description to just that ^^ 

“Relax.” IF THAT SHIT ISN’T THE MOST ANNOYING THING EVER I HAVE NO IDEA HOW BONNIE DIDN’T DECK HIM RIGHT THERE. Not to call him out, but my boyfriend does this whenever I get worked up, and I’ve warned him, next time he tells me to relax, he’s getting hit. I literally read Damon’s “relax” in my bf’s voice, and I got so irritated. (Great job). I THINK YOU MEAN YOUR FIANCÉ WHHHAAAATTTTTT

“Your blood type was ‘tequila’.”

“Does that bother you” / “Not as much as it bothers you” OOOO GIRL EXPOSE HIM YAS another line I hoped packed a punch.

“Cat, is he lying?” lol when do they actually name her Never.

“Casually vibrant and loose” reminds me of sunshine for some reason. Sunshiny Caroline is my fav.

“Bonnie’s Caroline. Spirited. Brassy… A hell-raiser with a sparkling stare and a laugh like a bell.” Stefan, babe, stop.

“Badgering the witness!” LOL I’m using this in b&b, you’ve been warned, bye DO IT.

“Memory Lane was closed.”/ “Detour to Platonic Avenue”: good, good, keep it up. I love how they end up talking about it anyways? And it’s lowkey a daroline convo, but without a doubt, Damon would flirt it up, and it’d probably end in more sex, but these two goofballs I swear: “Told you I was the class skank”  and “it takes years of training” but also “No room left behind” “Nothing is good enough to make me forget about how much I hate heights” / “I am” OH SHIT IT’S GETTIN’ HOT IN HERE. But also????? Excellent example of what I was saying (re: daroline convo); Caroline lapsed into her natural, flirty confidence, not even realizing GIRL HOW AREN’T YOU REALIZING how something so saucy, that would naturally turn on Stefan, can’t be said so casually. HAHAHA honestly as I was writing that I was like ‘careful what you wish for steffy bear’ because like you said, that is natural Caroline. She’s confident, flirty, vibrant, etc, and if Stefan was already falling for the prickly, self-preserving version, how did he expect to survive this one, you know? I don’t approve of these characters’ dumb ass decisions I just write them.

“You’re Lawyer Dangerous-ing me, aren’t you?” and “Wow, I ruined you.” Love it. I feel like Kol pulled this shit on Caroline, and she lowkey trusts her brother, so she fell for things like this all the time. LOOOL Kol’s such a menace.

“You didn’t think you were Buttercup, did you?” / “That’s embarrassing”: I love sma Stefan so much. I liked tvd at one time, but that’s for another day lololol we’ve discussed this.

“Ugh, montage love” I’m sorry Gabi, are you in sma too? ya know every now and then I have to insert my frustration with how dumb everyone is.

“Was it real if the sun started to fade after a few years? Was it real if the gravity weakened and he had to struggle to stay in her atmosphere? Was it real if another planet got pulled in, too, one he could never see because it was always on the exact opposite side of her, moving in tandem with him, eclipsed by her glow?” Shit, girl. Like, go home already. Gah, thanks love. Another case of ‘pause. Think. You can do better.’ I’m telling you, you just have to roll with it!

“I don’t regret a second of that” oh Stefan, you lovesick fool

“I’m like a human Bermuda Triangle” love

“Just give him the Disney Prince look” and the process of him going through it, and him being like, “This is just my face” I’m dead.

“Danger Zone” lmfaoooooo, followed by “Whatever, Piss Pants”. Sounds like a classic Caroline x Kol moment Honestly, it was so nice to write them just having an easy convo, lololol. And TOTALLY a Care x Kol type exchange. Oh, Kol. I can’t wait to write him over the Christmas chapter(s). 

“Bonnie knew the ball was in her court to be the bigger person” to “…they all made her feel caught between telling him that everything was going to be okay and asking him if he wanted a gold fucking star.”/ “Unfortunately, the latter seemed to be winning out.” Okay, so I have to admit this: this “petty, four-year-old” Bamon is a little shamefully like me and my boyfriend. We’re like the diluted version of bamon in this fic. I’m the nerd/caring one, my bf is the cynical/well-read one, and we’re both petty af, and our form of affection is kinda like bamon’s back-and-forth. I mean, we’re not as fucked up at all, but idk, I see parts of our relationship in bamon, which is why they are otp does that mean I think ryan and I otp? maybe but I don’t like being gross. Anyways… FIANCÉ RYAN. CASS IS GETTING MARRIED Y’ALL. I OTP YOU GUYS ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US SO IT’S FINE.

“Must be depressing” / “Don’t worry about it” / “Just means it doesn’t matter” / “Because isn’t that the human way?” Ooooo this shit boils my blood this is the kind of crap ryan pulls sometimes omg but moreover, this baiting thing is so aggravating. Say what you want to say and be done with it! WEDDING BELLS AND RIIIINNNIIINNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG LMAO literally any mention of you and Ryan’s going to bring that response out of me bye

“I mean, didn’t you tell me last night that your biggest fear is that something’s wrong with you and it’s only a matter of time before everyone else figures it out?” and Bonnie’s internal monologue “her head was caught in a hum as she tried to shake off the burn of hearing her biggest insecurity thrown in her face, casual, smug”. I got to admit, Gab, you really know how to write ‘em. Like I was literally hanging on every sentence like oh. My. GOD. DAMON WENT THERE.

Side Note: this whole scene had me all sorts of fucked up, and like damn girl, you really know how to write ‘em. Like I felt for Bonnie. Not in a personal way, but like having someone just throw your deepest fear in your face? Someone who you were just warming up to? Like shit.

GIRL thanks so much, that scene definitely took some tweaking. I always stress about those moments because it takes me so long to get a sense for exactly what kind of mood I built (cause I’m almost like… already in the mood when I start writing it so I don’t actually know if I built it or not? Like if someone who wasn’t me would feel it through the writing alone? Does that make sense? I always try to explain this and fail). But anyway, gah, so glad this pulled you in. Like it’s one thing to try and be funny and fail at it (my life) but for some reason it’s way more nerve-wracking to me to try and be dramatic/intense and fail at it. 

 Kai’s crème-bru-yay is like opening Pinterest and seeing the first promoted post lol.

Damon’s “would it kill you to stay for one dessert” and her “it might kill you”, which I translated to “I might kill you, you fucker” Exactly what it meant.

The Bon/Kid talk. Nice. I love how it parallels to the Care/Stef talk earlier (dunno if you did this on purpose?) Nope, but I’m going to pretend I’m put-together enough of an author to do things like that and say of course.

“I don’t even know what your vulnerabilities are, Damon!” Have you read Lee’s “Parachute” bamon fic. Damon asks, “Do I ever say anything I don’t mean?” and Bonnie says something like Uh yeah, you say whatever will bother people the most. That. That is so true, and I didn’t realize it until I read it in her fic. Noooo, I haven’t, but now I really need to!

He was a friggin’ serial killer and they’d played right into his game Jesus fucking Christ they were all going to di—I love how off the rails Bonnie’s thoughts are. Like she’s stilly lowkey pissy at Damon, but at the same time, she’s like we’re gonna die. LOL that’s why Bonnie’s the easiest for me to write, because I too am often balancing serious emotions with cracky off-the-rails thoughts. 

“I’m sorry but what the everloving fuck, dude?” So, first, amazing line lmfao; second, amazing scene, my friend. Damon, somehow, talking Kai down? Like who would have thought? “Not a good look, man.” I’m dead.

Jk that line is getting it’s own number. Just reading it makes me think that Damon must’ve said something like this to Tyler. Must have. Like, maybe Tyler’s talking about how he got into a fight at school, or maybe about how he screwed things up with a girl—idk idc, big brother!Damon is a good look. Toootally! I was 100% channeling big bro!Damon there, and I definitely hoped people would connect it back to Tyler. Tyler’s just someone that Damon wants better for, you know? Like him and Katherine take him along on their wild rides but like I said earlier, Damon definitely doesn’t want him to live the same kind of life or make the same kind of mistakes/sacrifices he’s made. So I can totally see him steering him off that path if he senses him heading down it. And just in general, so happy you liked that scene. It was one of the scenes I was most pumped for ‘cause I live for feels, and I thought it showed really cute sides of both Damon and Kai.

Kai’s fun fact about Dante, and Damon’s plain, “Bummer” lol.

Kai’s “Did you mean what you said earlier…thinking I was cool…?” I seriously don’t know how you made a serial killer adorable but how dare you :D

“Boyish, almost, like he was some angsty teen she’d walked in on listening to Britney Spears”, oops you did it again I’m hilarious my friend, you played with my heart for fantastic similes. Like, this one just epitomizes what you wanted it to, this sheepish, caught-in-the-moment-of-a-good-deed kinda thing. Like, Gabi, stop Yeeeesssss that was exactly what I wanted to get across but I wasn’t sure I got it across so YAY. Goes to show you. You never think that of your own stuff. Idk why this review response is turning into a giant PSA on cutting yourself some slack with your own writing but CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK WITH YOUR OWN WRITING PEOPLE.

‘you are so much more than you think you are, you piece of shit’—see, that’s my kind of “terms of endearment”. LOL mine too.

Caroline vs. Cat, illustrated by “Are you trying to die?” is very much like me vs. a cat except I’m super allergic, so I’m doing the dying LOOOOOL love ya, Cas.

“Stefan!” She blustered out of her room with a scowl, padding down the hallway in Bonnie’s too-small Gryffindor slippers. First off, Caroline calling Stefan. Secondly, Caroline calling Stefan to be a meditator between her and the cat. Thirdly, why does Bonnie had Gryffindor slippers if she is clearly (eh) Hufflepuff (she could easily be Ravenclaw tbh). LMAO so I made them Hufflepuff at first and then I remembered Bonnie had a Gryffindor shirt and I thought it’d be funny for her to just randomly have paraphernalia from every house because she can’t decide who she is and goes through phases where she’s super convinced she’s one house and then it changes a few months later.

“Tide of amusement”/ “Wash of endearment”: teach me your wayssss I read that as ‘teach me your waaaavvveeesss’ we’re both hilarious

“Saint Stefan”: I really like (and appreciate) that Caroline is the one calling him this. That it’s not some jealous brother, but some girl who blatantly misunderstood him and is coming to the conclusion that maybe this savior complex isn’t as bad/ingrained as she thought. Honestly even just reading ‘jealous brother’ gave me such TVD PTSD. Gross. I’m with ya, girl. 

Stefan’s advice, “Dazzle him with that Rebekah charm” literally is the most Dad thing I’ve ever seen lmao

“Demon.” / “Demons everywhere.” Lolololololol

“Do your thing. Give me the sisterhood spiel or whatever Hallmark collection it was you were planning on plagiarizing.” Well shit. I’d probably pay to hear Damon and Rebekah’s verbal sparring. LMAO Damon vs. Rebekah would be amazing. I feel like they’d be fast friends, which makes me laugh because Kol would totally idolize Damon and yet him and Rebekah would loathe each other.

“But more importantly… Tiffany will be social media stalking you every inch of the way, seething with jealousy, so take a lot of pictures.” I love how she gives the realest advice, and then brings it to Rebekah’s level lol. I feel like big sister!Caroline is something we were deprived of and didn’t know it. Hahaha you know Rebekah would totally ignore that shit if it didn’t circle back to making her nemesis miserable. But sister!Caroline is definitely something I want to do more of, so I’m so happy you liked that side. Christmas time will give her and Kol some quality time (and Mama Liz!)

“I’m going to need some tea,” she says lmao.

 Oh this is the thing I was talking about when I referred to Lee’s fic: “he’d know before he’d even opened his mouth that he was going to hate what came out” and “why the hell had he even gone there? He could’ve just told her he needed space”. Very similar. You guys had the same revelation. That’s rad - I definitely have to go read her fic. Lee’s writing is always brilliant.

“Unfortunately, the hole he’d just managed to dig himself into had an echo, and the only sound in it was the disbelieving crack in Bonnie’s voice when she’d confronted him about bring up her parents.” Right in the heart.

“But maybe she thought he was a megadouche” he cares what she thinks! “Maybe she was waiting for him to prove that he wasn’t.”

“You missed a spot” / “A harsh spray of water cut him off from the pull-out faucet she’d shot straight at him”—if this petty shit isn’t me & ryan CAS AND RYAN ARE GETTING MARRIEDDDDDDDDDD

“And mean.” I love that tack on, it’s so childish, but epitomizes how she can’t even stay mad at him. “Very, very mean.” Their childish bits are my favorite parts to write. It’s in full-swing in 17.

 “I just had a really shitty week last week.” Oooo glimpse into the past. Like Bonnie’s with the Enzo/Klaus mention. More of that ahead!

“And don’t stop calling me kid.” / “It’s cute and I like it.” Can they just kiss and be together already omg You would think but everyone in this story is stupid.

“And he was struck by the most bizarre impulse to kiss her” see, even Damon knows!!!!

The “pep rally” / “I was actually a cheerleader for a bit in college” convo. Classic Bamon

 “Try not to do anything secretly heroic while I’m gone.”

“Maybe he was allergic to pep” / “maybe he was high on it” Damon and Bonnie sitting in a tree… D-E-N-Y-I-N-G

THE ALMOST STEROLINE NAME DROP I WAS ACTUALLY GRINNING LIKE A MORON WHEN I READ THIS MUAHAHA it was so stupid and I cackled writing it.

“I think I need to talk about Matt”/ “And I think you should probably tell me about Elena”. What? Caroline Forbes is talking about exes? Is doing something healthy that’ll further her relationship with Stefan? THERE IS SO MUCH PRIDE IN MY HEART – Also, I think this was a great way to end the chapter ‘cause it’s super cliffhanger and also super like a tvd episode, you know? Great, excellent, fantastic job! RIGHT? LOOK AT HER GO! She’s ready to confront some things! And because I took six months to reply to this and have the benefit of actually having the scene written now, I can tell you that she’s really going there. Saying things she’s never said out loud. It’s a hard scene for her. But she’s determined. So it makes me so happy that you’re proud of her (I’m proud of her!), and hopefully the next chapter will make it a little clearer why she is the way she is (and why it took her this long to get there). Also, YAY for show-like endings! You know that’s what I’m going for ;) TBH that’s a large reason why the chapters have gotten so long - I want like a whole episode in a chapter with a beginning, middle, and end, and I want them to set up a story for the next one, and for four central characters that usually ends up taking me about 8-10 scenes, loool. So I’m glad you like it that way, too ;)

Okay, so this is longer than I hoped, but I’m sure you won’t mind. Take your mind off med school, off the whole moving thing. Anyways, thanks a bazillion for being this awesome author that interacts with her audience, who puts at least 1000% percent into this fic when, really, you don’t gotta, and ya know… thanks for fulfilling the need everyone has seen tvd died (there were only 6 seasons right?)

Definitely only six seasons. And girl, psh, thank you for making all of the things you listed above worth it. Seriously. You guys make writing this story a legitimate joy - I literally have you in mind when I write. I anticipate who’s going to like what. Whose going to have a problem with what. And it makes me a better writer. Seriously. Anyway, you’re as lovely and witty and talented and kind and weird and wonderful as ever and I expect detailed updates on you and Ryan’s royal wedding every week and NEVER EVER APOLOGIZE AGAIN FOR WRITING A LONG REVIEW WHO ARE YOU KIDDING YOU’RE MY SUN AND I’VE SAID THIS BEFORE BUT I’LL SAY IT AGAIN IT TAKES ME FOREVER TO RESPOND BECAUSE I LEGIT CAN’T THINK OF A REPLY THAT’S WORTHY SOOOOO THANKS FOR MAKING MY LIFE K BYEEEEE