#lol asiufhsf. i will have to think about this for a bit.

[tuckerfuckingdidit]

personal rambling and fic whining under the cut.

i reblogged this post from anne a week ago on my personal, because i read it and it validated the shit out of my angry, fragile heart, cackling. a lot of the time i will utterly balk at angst, especially when my life is upside down, because if i care about a character—like really care about them, like i do wash—i 👏  don’t 👏  fucking 👏   want 👏  more 👏  shit 👏  heaped 👏  on 👏  you 👏

especially if it’s not done out of love. “misery porn” pisses me off so much, and that’s the place i felt the writers were coming from—like come on, you know the shit these guys have gotten away with. of course they would take Break The Cutie and push it into overdrive. 

so, i had for years been really attached to the idea of wash actually having an okay childhood, and didn’t even realize it until the writers unveiled Extra Pain™ like, “surprise! you totally didn’t fucking see this coming, but it’s true now, deal with it!” 

WHAT.

so i didn’t want to include it in my work. if i do that it makes it real, and i 👏  don’t 👏  want—okay yeah, i said that already. 

but i have a high level of attachment to the Integrity of the characterization involved in my planning, so following becky’s post watering my crops and feeding my children i thought about it, and realized that with what i’ve already considered for wash’s backstory in hcf, he can still have the family structure i’m so intrigued by, as well as the book elements, and i’m.....

.....terrified? the (admittedly absurd) question comes to mind that if i commit to this, if i wrap all the pain associated with these events into the place i go to work on this story, where is the line? is it possible to fold enough layers into this character that he becomes so painful i don’t even want to write him anymore? (at least, this version of him.) 

the answer, btw, is yes: that is partially why i made it back to fandom, tbh. i spent about 9 or so months writing and planning for a character in an rpg i cared about a lot, and in the end, due to the plots i had with other players, the unceasing angst every time i needed to work with him left such a bad taste in my mouth that i left him alone. 

i’m a wimp, i know. 

i don’t want that with wash, yet it also seems pretty ridiculous to be actually considering what now feels like watering something down just so i can carry it to completion. buuuuut there’s a really fine line for me between Feels™ and “haha, this could potentially send me spiraling into despair, thisisfine.jpg.” it’s why it’s taken me so long to start on the second half of PMGITG. 

tl;dr - i’m sensitive :c