#book!wash gate 2017

[fleurcareil]

East Manitoba: Winnipeg

After leaving Kenora and driving into Manitoba, the forest gives way to the Prairies and quickly there's no tree in sight! The famous big skies were blurred though from yet more smoke so not getting the pretty views but rather feeling like the sky was leaning down... 🤔

After checking in at the AirBnB, I went over to Harman's parents' house where I had stayed in 2017 when I was here for a canoeing trip & of which I have great memories so it was fun to go back & meet his parents again! The house was decorated for the upcoming wedding celebration and full of relatives that had come in from all over, and it was great to see Harman and meet his wife Ankita and their little boy Mir... they were married 3 years ago during covid but couldn't celebrate it with friends & family so now it was the occasion to have everyone together. When I received the invite, I hadn't made any plans yet for the roadtrip so this was a perfect event to plan my trip around!

As anyone knows who's been to one, Indian get-togethers tend to be quite chaotic 😁, so had fun conversations over delicious (& not too spicy) appetizers but darted home at 11pm before dinner was served 😅

Next morning, I did the first car wash since the trip started so now the car looked slightly less dirty (although it will need a power wash to remove all dead bugs 🥴), and then I went downtown to the Forks going back to what I loved most when I was here previously; lunch at the Commons Market and then a visit to the Human Rights Museum, going progressively from dark to light to its Tower of Hope. I had stayed here for 5 hours last time, learning a tremendous amount about Canadian human rights issues that as a newcomer to the country I was not aware of, so wanted to revisit now I've lived here longer and became a Canadian citizen. Every nation has skeletons in the closet they prefer not to talk about, but it's important to be aware of all history, the good and the bad, to truly appreciate the place you call home and be more socially aware of how governments take care of its people. I would dare other countries to follow suit with a similar place of human rights education & reflection!

On the way, I ran into two familiar faces; my old Sumach street in Toronto and Mahatma Ghandi, who I just read a book about 😃

I had been instructed to show up early for the wedding ceremony, so I donned the dress that I had sent in advance to Harman's mum to keep it clean from camping smoke and dirt 😆 and made my way to the pretty gardens of The Gates on Roblin by 4.30pm.

As for a traditional Indian wedding, we danced in the courtyard while the groom made his entrance (with their little son as the best man 😍) and then attended a lovely ceremony followed by a reception, delicious dinner and fun dance party. I got no pics apart from the video-booth below as I was too busy enjoying and meeting interesting people while shaking my best Indian moves 🤣 on the dance floor... it was a really fun night! 🤗

[logically-asexual]

9. do you have a skincare routine (and how many steps is it)? 10. on a plane, do you ask for apple or orange juice? 11. anything from your childhood you’ve held on to?

• i have zero skincare routine even though i should probably. i try to wash my face often, specially after being out in a hot day and lately i’ve been trying to get used to wearing sunscreen. though i still forget both those thing. but im trying T-T i’ve never had skin problems so i usually take it for granted but i’m trying to remember that i still need to take care of it aaa

• apple juice! i am an orange juice fan but like only when i’m having breakfast. any other time of day is apple juice time and i love it ♡

• not really? i have a hard time throwing out stuff so a lot of my childhood things are still there but it’s not like i would be sad if i never saw them again. as a child i didn’t really get attached to things, i never had like favorite stuffed animals or favorite clothes or books or anything, so now i don’t think there’s anything that i feel strongly about.

unrelated but because i want to talk and over share. so i’m opening the gates be warned

i do wish to know like what the fuck was wrong with me as a kid, why i can’t remember having any actual interests whatsoever. like at most i remember liking fosters home for imaginary friends and loving a toy of the main boy that i got from like… a happy meal or something. and i did gather a tiny my little pony collection (like. 8-10 ponies or something) but i don’t really remember feeling strongly about anything.

everyone on this site talks about their childhood obsessions with mythology or dragons or whatever but i had no such thing and it makes me feel that there was (or is) something wrong with me. that’s also actually one of the few things (if not the only one) that keeps me from fully relating to the experiences of ppl with adhd, that i never had a thing that made want to focus for hours on it. (that is, until i joined the sanders sides fandom in 2017 and i was 17 years old! can you imagine having no interests before 17??)

everything that characterized my personality until. practically college. had always been things that didn’t took any effort from me or that i actually paid attention to. everyone knew me as the one that was good at math but i never sat for hours trying to solve problems (maybe i did solve some as a hobby which is more than the average person, but nowhere near fellow “mathletes”) and i probably could have done better in competitions but i just never cared enough.

i had a brief obsession with justin bieber in middle school but i’m now convinced i didn’t actually care about him and it was more of a way of. trying to fit in with the girls at school (because there for sure was some unconscious gender fuckery going on in my head as a preteen and the awareness of me being arospec without knowing that that was a thing and i needed to reassure myself of my place within the normal girls i guess??). so i did like follow some facebook groups and read some fanfic of him and learned some details about his personal life and listened to his songs. but i am not convinced i actually. genuinely did it because i enjoyed it? i don’t know. i guess it does count. but still doesn’t feel like enough.

also in middle school was when YA dystopias book series were all the rage and i remember just getting into hunger games because it was what everyone else in the classroom was into but i literally never really cared about it and i didn’t even. understand the story i just knew the names and plot well enoguh to hold a conversation. and after that i went on to attempt reading a bunch of other similar series and i never finished a single one. i never even finished the hunger games because i wasn’t understanding a single thing that happened in the third book. and of the others i just read the first books that all ended in cliffhangers and i still never cared enough to read the next ones.

and only NOW in my young adulthood im starting to discover the things i like and it’s really a huge mess because i’m supposed to be starting a career but i’m genuinely so lost because i just acquired like 20 years worth of interests in the span of like.. 3-4 years and it’s overwhelming to say the least. and i still don’t feel like i care enough about any of them to commit to them as a damn CAREER. so yeah. i cant. my head is wrong.

[tuckerfuckingdidit]

when i first read the interview between wash and the counselor in the red vs blue book in fall of 2015, i was very surprised that the writers chose to give him such a violent backstory. at the time, i rationalized the vulnerability wash displays during the project as him knowing that this is the last chance he’s going to get due to his history. i even wrote about it here a bit.

then i proceeded to repress the shit out of it, because as a handful of neat individuals on this lovely blue site have taught me, canon only needs to be as canon as i say it is in my works. here’s why i don’t fuck with book!wash at all.

1/09 edit: if you are interested in the complete discussion of book!wash that was had, i recommend you read the most recent post in this thread rather than just the original one, as fandom has once again saved the day and made this backstory much more palatable for me.

the cecil kyle story and counselor interview aren’t just not canon for me—they actually scared the shit out of me. not because of the violence (well, not just because of it), but because i feel like RT has missed the point of wash: that he was an average kid whose worldview and mental health were horrifically tarnished by the events of project freelancer. 

leonard church stole this kid’s innocence, full stop. 

wash is the prime example we are given in red versus blue that war changes people irrevocably. we are shown him as three different people: david, who struggles to keep up with the rest of the freelancers despite his best efforts, agent washington/recovery one, a tool of the director’s and hargrove’s with no other options, and wash, when he finally decides to check the fuck back into his life again, stop living like a zombie, and decide what kind of person he wants to be.

the cecil kyle backstory makes it seem like the darkness we saw in him after he got out of prison was always there, and there isn’t a single part of me that believes that. wash’s story is so much less compelling if he’s always been ONE person instead of at least three. doesn’t your heart break a little more to consider a boy with presumably no behavioral problems, aside from occasional difficulty focusing, traveling down a winding road that ends in him being a killer?

yes, you can view wash shooting donut at point blank range as a relapse. but honestly, the boy we’re introduced to in the project freelancer flashbacks is so soft? a man who’s attacking his commanding officer to save lives is either capable of putting his emotions aside to get the job done, or he’s exploding violently. when we see wash at his most dangerous, he’s actually very calm, so i’m going to assume we’re meant to believe the former. but before epsilon, wash can’t even get through a firefight without putting making Cracks™ ahead of fucking rolling to cover, and we like that about him.

“i don’t wanna end up like georgia!!!” that’s anxiety. that’s paralyzing fear.

@capricornfraud​ is actually who reminded me of the interview in the first place, and freddie raised the point that wash does speak up when he sees things amiss, like when wyoming and maine bring live rounds into the training room. but it’s worth noting that is all he does: talk. and he allows himself to be shut down, because he believes in the chain of command. this is what hurts him so badly later on—that he and his friends put their trust in people they presumed to be honorable and good intentioned. 

if wash is coming into project freelancer having usurped a CO’s authority before, don’t you think he’d be far more jaded about taking orders from a man who doesn’t even go into the field? remember, leonard church was never a soldier. not at any point in his career.

season 14, for all my issues with it, does give us the absolute gem that is wash’s discomfort with being addressed as david even before epsilon, which i immediately put my grubby little hands all over to seize in support of my favorite interpretation of pre-epsilon!wash: that he has a type B personality, and is attempting to become someone stronger. 

we are led to believe wash is very young in those flashbacks, in that he’s still a little fragile—he takes the criticism he receives from teammates very personally, and never really stands up for himself. it’s clear he hasn’t been taught that his opinion has much merit, and i would personally say confidence would be the first thing necessary to engage in behavior that is essentially treasonous. for instance, compare wash to CT, who gets a bad feeling, does her research, and essentially winds up on a crusade to bring the director to justice.

a major concern for me is also maintaining the most amount of integrity for the foil locus is for wash later on in season 13. locus could have been obsessed with carolina—hell, the chorus mercenary with an issue could have been felix taking personal offense to carolina “dumbing herself down” hanging with soldiers that are incompetent in comparison. instead, it’s wash that speaks to locus, which would inherently require locus to see himself in parts of wash’s personality and/or history—more specifically, his choices.

if you ask me, locus is still struggling years after the war to reconcile the relatively innocent person he presumably was before it with the actions he took both in the war and after it. both locus and wash were at one point just soldiers following orders, and they lost the most human parts of themselves to that. locus is obsessed with the idea that one’s humanity is something that can be shed like snake skin in order to become a more efficient soldier, and he sees himself and recovery one!wash as examples of people who have successfully done so. 

the problem is, rather than reveling in sociopathic glory, wash grasps for the things that made him human again when caboose gives him a second chance. (i personally believe that if wash really was the type of individual presented to us in that interview, he would not have wanted caboose’s offer of friendship—the shelter, yes, but inevitably he would have been gone.) wash peering into the abyss and walking away from it threatens the sense of self locus has built. when you relate to a person intensely and discover a huge difference in opinion between the two of you, it’s natural to ask yourself which of you is wrong. most people will tend to say it’s the other person. what saves locus is his acknowledgement that it’s him. 

with all that said, i think the most realistic take on the scenario posed in the interview would be that wash spoke up on the risks regarding the mission they were sent on, survived it, and went on to experience a heavy amount of survivor’s guilt centered around allowing himself to be shut down by his CO. but again, this sets wash up to have already experienced being led astray by authority figures before the project, and i think his innocence still being relatively intact when he first makes it into the program is more important than any kind of ~edgy backstory.

[lemonmeringuecry]

The Cubs at Disneyland

Hi, so I've been trying to do this for awhile (ever since I drew Lo in a Mickey Mouse hoodie) but when the queen herself, miss Hazel, said she needs them to go to Disney... well I wrote this. And drew it. Because I'm me.

So anyway, here's the drawing and below is the fic

Tw for a couple mentions of food but I think that's it

Credit for everything @lumosinlove

Leo bounced a bit on the balls of his feet, goofy smile at full force while he waited to board the plane. He had grown up going to Disney World with his family. Living in Louisiana, Florida wasn’t too far away, and Eloise and Wyatt Knut didn’t let being adults stop them from enjoying the magic of Disney. When Leo was born, his parents were beyond excited about the prospect of going as a family, getting mickey ears, collecting pins, and making memories.

The first time he went, Leo was five, his favorite Disney movie was the lion king, and an expression of pure joy was permanent in his pale, blue eyes. Over the four days they were in the parks he got to go on rides, eat themed sweets, and meet his favorite characters.

After that first trip, Eloise started a scrap book. The book, titled ‘Disney World 2006’, was soon filled with pictures of Leo at the entrance gate, Leo with pineapple dole whip halfway to his mouth, and countless of all three of them taken by the photographers.

A favorite picture of Eloise’s was near the back, this one of her son with Simba. When Leo had spotted the cast member dressed as his favorite character, he all but threw himself at the lion costume clad employee. Leo’s mama had taken many pictures of the two lion cubs together and they were beyond adorable.

There are more scrap books from 2008, 2011, 2014, and 2017. Throughout the years of pictures Leo never looks less than ecstatic. Even though New Orleans will forever remain his favorite place in the world, Disney is a close second to home, which is why this trip with his boys is such a big deal for him.

The Lions are currently on a short break in the season after their game against the Coyotes and the cubs are going to spend a few days at Disneyland in Anaheim.

Finn reaches forward to grab Leo’s hand who is standing in line in front of him.

“Sunshine, are you excited?” He asks. Leo tilts his head around to look at his boyfriend and nods eagerly.

“We’ll take that as a yes,” logan chuckles sleepily from behind Finn where he is standing with his head resting on the red head’s back. Evidently waking up at 6:00 in the morning to drive to the airport wasn’t ideal for him.

Leo lets out a low, impatient groan, still bouncing, “I need to be there like right now. Can’t we get on the plane already?”.

“We haven’t even been waiting that long. I think they’re about to call our section though, Peanut,” Finn answers him, trying not to let his amusement show too much.

A crinkly noise cuts off Leo’s response, “Now boarding rows 1-10,” a voice says from over the loudspeaker. Leo stands up straighter and turns to his boyfriends, “that’s us!”

“I know Nutter-Butter, go on, let’s get you to Disney!” Finn says as he pats Leo’s butt lightly, moving him forward, onto the jet bridge.

The boys get settled into their seats, Finn by the window, Logan in the middle for maximum cuddles, and Leo on the aisle for the leg room. For the first half of the flight Logan sleeps while Finn and Leo share a movie, but all three boys are wide awake by the time the flight attendants come around with drinks for the second time. The rest of the flight is spent chatting about practices coming up after the break, things they need for the apartment, and what they are going to do first upon arriving.

Once getting off the plane in California, they take the shuttle from John Wayne Airport to the Disneyland hotels. They are staying in the Adventure Land tower, closest to the park. By this point all three boys are buzzing with the infectious happiness of Disney. After unpacking and getting settled into their hotel room, the cubs proceed with their plans of shopping and getting dinner in Downtown Disney. First thing on the agenda is to procure mouse ears. Logan, Finn, and Leo make their way to World of Disney in order to find the widest selection of ears. Leo has a collection of his own ears at home, including his favorite pride Minnie ears, but for this trip he wants to get new ones along with Logan and Finn. Leo and Finn decide on classic Mickey ear hats, while Logan picks out Minnie ears with a lavender bow. They all get sweatshirts too, as is custom.

After a pleasant evening of enjoying the atmosphere and getting dinner at Ralph Brennan’s Jazz Kitchen (Leo’s offense towards their attempt at Cajun cuisine is only partially a joke), they call it night. They head back to the hotel, brush their teeth, put on pajamas, and cuddle up in bed. After a busy day the three boys quickly fall asleep, full of anticipation for the day ahead.

Something you should know about Leo is that when it comes to Disney, he is hard core. Their first morning there is an early entry in Disneyland park.

“Rise and shine, party people!” Leo calls as he entera the main part of the hotel room from the bathroom. Logan and Finn are just now waking up, but they aren’t remotely tired. The pure excitement radiating off their boyfriend is contagious as well as the promise of a day of fun.

“Butter baby, how long have you been up?” Finn’s question is alarmed yet distinctly amused.

“Since 5:30,” Leo responds off-handedly. Logan and Finn share a look, then turn it on Leo. Undeterred, Leo spins slowly in a circle in order to show off his carefully constructed outfit. He is wearing his favorite light wash Levi’s, paired with the crewneck he bought yesterday (light gray with vintage looking Mickey & friends). Underneath his sweatshirt he is wearing his Pizza Planet t-shirt, ready for when it gets hot later. Leo’s outfit is accessorized with his new Mickey ear hat, white air Jordan 1’s, and his Tinker Bell lanyard filled with pins from over the years.

“These things take time! Now y’all go get dressed, we have to be in line by 6:45,” Leo says. With that both Finn and Logan get out of bed and into their clothes in record time. On their way out of the room, they pick up their ears and backpacks from the desk by the TV.

After a brief stop at the Starbucks in Downtown Disney, the boys make it into the que of people lining up at the entrance gate. Once 7:00 hits, the lines start to move into the park. As Logan, Finn, and Leo enter, they gaze around in awe. At the end of Mainstreet sits Sleeping Beauty’s castle, tall and glorious. They walk hand in hand down the lane of colorful, old fashioned buildings, chatting excitedly about what to do first.

“Alright babes, what’s up on the agenda?” Finn asks.

“I don’t even know the options, what do you say Le?” Logan continues.

They end up heading over to Tomorrow Land first. They go on Star Tours and Space Mountain while the lines are short, then bounce around Fantasy land as they make their way across the park. Around 8:30 all three boys start to get hungry so they grab a bag or two of beignets from New Orleans Square. After breakfast, they hit their favorites in Adventure land (Finn fucking loves Indiana Jones), Frontier Land (Big Thunder Mountain Railroad is a fan favorite), and New Orleans Square (Logan might not stop singing ‘Yo Ho a Pirate’s Life for Me’ for weeks).

Around noon the cubs exit Disneyland Park and walk across to California Adventure. After lunch at Wine Country Trattoria the boys bop around Cars Land, Hollywood Land, Pacific Warf and Grizzly Peak. The lines are a lot longer now that it’s afternoon, so they take it in stride and spend their waiting time talking, cuddling, and playing games. They end up going on almost every ride as well as hitting the extra good ones twice like Incredicoaster and Guardians of the Galaxy (still a fan-fucking-tastic ride but Leo misses the Twilight Zone theme).

By the time they finish up in California Adventure for the day, it’s almost time for Fantasmic, and Leo has yet to tell his boys that he got them reserved seats. The cubs meander back to Disneyland but when they start to near Frontier Land Finn picks up the pace.

“Sweetheart, what’s the hurry?” Leo asks with a knowing smile.

“I wanna get good seats for Fantasmic, I haven’t seen it since I was little!” Finn replies.

“Orgasmic? I like the sound of that,” Logan slides in with a smirk.

“Baby, no!” His boyfriends exclaim at the same time. Logan giggles which gets Leo and Finn laughing as well.

“And Finn, I got us seat reservations for the show so no need to rush,” Leo tells him. Finn’s response is to jump on Leo with a fierce hug and a drawn out “Yay,”.

The cubs enjoy the water show immensely, all snuggled up and bundled in sweatshirts once again to fend off the cool evening air. They point out little details to each other with intertwined hands and gasp aloud at the pretty fireworks. Once Fantasmic is over they do a few more rides, then head back to the hotel, sleepy after a full day. The boys fall asleep quickly again, ready to do it all again the next day.

[fernwehbookworm]

Woke The F*ck Up- Chapter 1

August 24th, 2009

Kara walked into the high school for the first time. Alex made her go in alone, no way was she going to be associated with a freshman especially not during her Senior year. She looked at the paper in her hand, her class schedule with her locker and combination on it. The hallways were so much bigger than that of the middle school. In this main hall, you could see the balcony of the second floor clinging to the side as the roof soared high above with skylights. Kara gulped and took a deep breath.

“You can do this. It's just another school. A bigger school but school none the less, you like school.” Kara mumbles to herself. She is relieved when she turns a corner and is a normal hallway lined with lockers.

“See you can do this.”

Kara hears a commotion around the next corner. When she turns, right outside her first class, two large guys are shoving a much smaller one back and forth. Another looks to be opening a locker from the paper in his hand.

“Come on Schott. Agree to do our homework this year and this would be so much easier. We won't even tell people here about your dad.” One sneers.

“Guys I can't. I almost failed last year because if you.” The little one cries out.

“Hey!” Kara yells. That gets the bullies attention.

“Got it! Alright, let's see if he fits.” Says the third as he opens the locker, turning to notice the slightly lanky girl now starring them down.

“Get lost. This has got nothing to do with you.”

“I think it does.” Kara steps closer.

That's when one of the guys makes the mistake of grabbing her shoulder. Jeremiah had been taking her to various fighting classes since she was adopted. The therapist had recommended it to help her cope with the loss of her parents and Kara loved it. Loved the control it gave her over her own body when everything else felt like chaos. Her test for her black belt in Karate was next month even.

On instinct, Kara grabbed the wrist and twisted, turning the much larger boy around and forcing him to the ground. He cries out makes a pained expression. The other boys are shocked and then mad.

“Well, now you made me mad.” Said the kid who opened the locker.

Kara twists the arm in her grasp harder, just right before it dislocates she releases and shoves him forward with a foot. He rolls on the ground, clutching at his shoulder. Kara looks up just in time to see the locker kid take a swing, she ducks and shoves the heel of her hand into his exposed nose. Instantly, blood gushes out. The last kid runs at seeing how quickly his friends were dispatched. Kara finally turns to the bullied boy, plastered against the lockers in fear.

“Are you okay?” She asks.

“Y-y-yes. I’m-I’m better than those guys. Who are you?” He asks over the moans of the two remaining bullies.

“Kara Danvers.” She sticks out her hand. He takes it tentatively.

“Winslow Schott. But everyone just calls me Winn.”

“It's nice to meet you.”

“What is going on here!” Roars a tall teacher as he rounds the corner.

He towers over the four students. Kara and Winn are both too shocked to respond.

“All of you, to the principal's office.” The man lifts the boys by their shirts and heards them back the direction Kara came from.

The two boys only get two days of suspension and a week of after school detention because they didn't actually hit anyone, though the cameras caught then shoving Winn around. Kara got a week suspension starting tomorrow. The principal was letting her stay for her first day.

“Thank you for saving me. Those guys have been bullying me for two years. I thought when we got here it would be better.”

“What are friends for?”

“Are we friends then?” Kara laughs.

“Well, I don't get suspended for just anyone. We better be friends. Plus if I'm around those guys probably won't bother you.” Winn grins.

“I just have to make it through a week.”

“I'll have my sister keep an eye on you. She's a senior. She probably won't acknowledge your existence unless you're in trouble though.”

“Thanks, Kara. I'm glad we are friends.”

The new friends walk down the hall for their first day of high school and it feels just a little bit smaller.

***

November 6th, 2013

“Breaking News: Lionel Luthor arrested for using his company Luthor Corp to fund an anti-government campaign and also has financial ties to a massive assassination plot. Evidence of Luthor Corp funds traced to the massive explosion in Washington D.C. that killed over 300 people and led to the hospitalization of 200 more…”

Lena turns off the television in the now basically trashed hotel suite. She didn't care, the label paid for it. Lex had tried to call her. Get her to come home. Trying to say that Dad didn't do it, then saying he was just trying to save the world or some other bull shit. The only thing her already drunk mind could understand was that her family was now fucked beyond repair. Someone passed her a blunt and she took it, inhaling deeply to forget. Forget the fake family of her childhood. That she was the bastard daughter of a madman. That her adoptive mother was cruel. Her brother had loved her in his own way, but he had been much older and didn't understand. She found an out and took it.

Once Lena passes the smoking comfort on to someone else she takes a drink from the Vodka bottle on the table and buries her nose in the neck of the woman next to her. The woman would help her forget too, if only for a few hours. Lena pulls her into the bedroom of the suite and closes the door, ignoring the twenty other nameless people left on the other side.

***

June 20th, 2014

Kara paces the locker room. It's the final match. To win it all. Her nerves felt frayed and she was too anxious to sit and wait. Winn appears with tape to wrap her hands.

“Why?” She asks, trying to distract herself.

“To help keep you from breaking every bone in your hand on her jaw.” Comes Winn's smart-assed comment with a little laugh.

“No, Winn. Why did you follow me? You could have gone to MIT or something but you followed me. Became my assistant trainer. I mean I know you developed all those simulators and different equipment to help me train but you could have done so much with a brain like yours.”

“You might as well ask yourself why you saved me in the hallway then. It's what friends do. Especially best friends. I'm behind you all the way Kara. Win or lose. If you lose we will keep training and try again. If you win, well we will keep training anyway. But I'm behind you one hundred percent. So is your family.” An announcement calling Kara to the ring.

“Are you ready?”

Kara nods. She is. Somehow Winn's little speech was enough. He always had her back and Kara was so glad for that.

***

August 4th, 2017

“Ahh... Hi.”

Lena looks up at the blonde woman now standing over her, coffee cup in hand. Lena closes her notebook and raises an eyebrow to the woman who continues to stand awkwardly next to her table.

“Umm... all the tables are taken up and umm… well… the inside is full too. So do you mind if I sit with you? I mean I guess I could just go home but I was kind of looking forward to reading at my favorite Cafe on a beautiful day like today. But I can just go. I should go. Never mind.” Lena laughs and pushes her glasses back up her nose where they started to slip. She glances around the little patio, separated from the sidewalk by a little black gate. Through the large windows, Lena can see the long line of people and crowded tables because of the peak Saturday morning hours.

“You can sit, as long as you stop talking.”

The woman blushes but sits anyway. Lena opens her notebook and continues writing. The blonde opens her own book and leans back in the chair. Lena tries glancing at this very forward stranger, very aware of how easy it would be for someone to recognize her. The blonde is wearing a pastel peach cardigan over a simple white shirt. Behind the glasses are eyes as blue as the sky on this very morning. A crinkle appears between her eyes as she becomes engrossed in the well-read book. Wizard's First Rule the cover reads. After a few minutes, the other woman pulls out headphones and begins to listen to music. It only takes four seconds for Lena to recognize the song that drifts over to her. She glances back up and taps her pen in front of the blonde. She pulls out one earbud and cocks her head to the side, very much like a puppy.

“Lena Luthor?”

“Yeah. My sister got us tickets to the concert tonight.” The blonde blushes slightly.

“You don’t look like a typical fan.”

“Oh, and what do I look like then?” the blonde challenges.

“Like a ray of sunshine gave birth to a golden retriever puppy.” The women stammers, trying to think of a response.

“Well, I am not a fan. My sister is though and she has wanted to go to a concert for a while. I am just listening so I don’t completely make a fool of myself.” That peaks Lena’s interest.

“And what do you think?” Somehow she feels drawn to knowing what this woman’s opinion is.

“Well, I think she’s talented. Definitely has a varying sound to each song so that they don’t all sound the same.”

“But?” Lena hears it in the sound of her voice.

“But, it's kind of depressing. I mean, when I really start listening to the lyrics I just really want to give her a hug and tell her… well, I don’t know really but she sounds like she needs someone who will be there for her.”

That catches Lena very off guard. This woman in front of her wants to comfort a complete stranger because of a few songs. Lena makes the mistake of looking into her eyes and letting the raw emotion in those blue pools wash over her. Something was tugging at her, something she hadn’t felt in years. That scares Lena. She quickly closes her notebook and clears her throat.

“Well, I am sure she just uses her music to work through things. I am sure she has people…” Lena trails off, feeling the hollowness of her own words. The women across from her nods.

“Yeah of course.”

“What do you listen to then? Probably some top one hundred pop star, maybe a boy band?” Lena says, needing to change the touchy subject.

“Well depends on the playlist. Definitely much happier music and NSYNC will always be my go to.” The blonde says, unashamed.

“Oh no. Now you have to leave my table. This is a Backstreet Boys table.”

That starts a whole argument on which nineties boy band was better. The debate expanded into a top ten. Lena actually lost track of time and couldn’t believe that this rather beautiful woman just sat in front of her and actually made her forget her numbness for a while. Then Lena’s phone starts ringing, shaking them out of the little bubble that had formed around their table in the heart of National City. Lena holds up a finger with an apologetic look.

“Hey, Jess… No, I just lost track of time...No, I can get there...Yes, see you in about half an hour… Bye Jess.”

“You have to go?” The woman looks disappointed.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Okay.” The woman sips at her forgotten coffee, making a face at the surely cold liquid.

“Thank you,” Lena says, knowing this woman wouldn’t know how good this conversation was for her.

“For what?”

“I am not sure. Have fun at your concert tonight.” Lena starts to turn to go.

“Wait!” Lena turns back to the woman suddenly standing. Lena raises an eyebrow.

“Can I umm… see you again?” Lena is caught off guard again by this woman who continues to surprise her.

“I-I won’t be here long. I… travel a lot.” The blonde looks disappointed again.

“Well can I have your name at least?” She tries again. Lena pauses to think then stretches out her hand.

“Elena Colby.” the woman takes it.

“Well, Elena. I’m Kara Danvers. Just so you know, if I see you again, I will take it as fate or destiny or something and I will ask for your number again.” That makes Lena smile.

“Consider me warned.” Lena hails a taxi to take her away before she decides to change her mind.

***

“Ugh Alex, you should have seen her. Even in that sweatshirt and her hair up in a messy bun, she was beautiful. She kept fiddling with her glasses and I swear that laugh should be illegal. And those eyes...” Kara flops on the couch in her sister’s apartment. Alex was changing from her pantsuit in the other room, having had to go to the Bureau to fill out some paperwork this morning. Alex laughs and walks out of her room to sit next to her swooning sister. She is wearing her official black Lena Luthor tour t-shirt. Half of the women’s pale face stares out with a piercing green eye next to bold lettering of her own name.

“Her eyes?” Alex pokes at Kara’s shoulder.

“They were this captivating brown. But…”

“But what?”

“There was something off. I don’t know. But they were sad too. Like I just wanted to hug her.”

“Kara, you want to hug everyone you meet.” Alex teases.

“True, but I wanted to.”

“Yes, you wanted to hug the pretty girl.”

“How’s Detective Sawyer?” Kara flips it back around on Alex.

“Annoying,” Alex grumbles.

“Just because you don’t share cases well. She practically solved the murder that led to the dogfighting ring bust herself.” Kara points out. Alex grumbles a protest.

“And you like her.” Kara continues to push.

“She has a girlfriend.” That takes the fun out of the tease.

“You asked her out?”

“Yup. And she shot me down in one of the most embarrassing ways. So I need tonight.” Kara grins and throws her arms around her sister.

“I love our Sister Nights. Even if the music is slightly depressing.”

“But the expensively cheap beer will be great.” Kara laughs and turns on the TV to kill the few hours before they were going to head to dinner.

***

Lena carefully removes the colored contacts from her eyes and places them in the case that she keeps in her dressing room table. She puts in her real contacts and begins to carefully put together Lena Luthor, the cold, badass, rising star. The person adopted and raised by one of the richest madmen in the world. Who disappointed her adoptive mother by pursuing music instead of using her MIT degree. Music was one of the few things that made her feel anything. Now performing was mostly going through the motions, like everything else.

A knock at the door. Jessica is calling for her to report for sound check and a quick run through of the set. Gone is the simple disguise that Lena used to blend into public spaces. In its place is a woman who is all sharp lines and piercing eyes. Lena takes a deep breath, rolls her shoulders back, and purposefully strides out of her dressing room.

Jess is waiting with the set list and banana, knowing full well Lena hasn’t eaten, only ingested copious amounts of coffee. She takes it gratefully and eats half before ditching it in a trash can just off stage. Men and women still dash about all around, preparing for the night. Her band and back up singers mingle on stage. Lena walks up to the mic and waits for her cue to begin.

***

“Alex! You really bought front row tickets?”Kara practically shouts over the noise from all around the Colosseum and the opening act. They both struggle to keep their beers from being jostled and spilled as they make their way between people's legs and the barricade.

“I got a raise. Plus, come on. It's Lena Luthor. This may be the last time tickets like these are within my price range.”

“Okay. But next sister night is on me.”

“So pizza, potstickers, and a movie?”

“Well retired MMA fighters don't make that much when their replacement career is part-time coaching and trying and failing to sell their own art.”

“Hey, you'll sell sometime. It just takes one to the right person.” Kara rolls her eyes.

Suddenly the lights go down and cheers erupt. A slightly eerie chiming begins. A spotlight comes up on a single, raven-haired figure. She is dressed in a leather black v neck vest, leather pants, and boots. Very much what someone would expect from her music.

Hey girl, open the walls, play with your dolls. We'll be a perfect family. When you walk away, it's when we really play You don't hear me when I say, Mom, please wake up Dad's with a slut, and your son is smoking cannabis No one never listens, this wallpaper glistens Don't let them see what goes down in the kitchen

A hush had fallen over the crowd as Lena Luthor began her song. It was called 'Dollhouse’ from what Kara could remember. A catchy song with depressing lyrics. People all around joined in on the next verse, including Alex.

Places, places, get in your places Throw on your dress and put on your doll faces Everyone thinks that we're perfect Please don't let them look through the curtains Picture, picture, smile for the picture Pose with your brother, won't you be a good sister? Everyone thinks that we're perfect Please don't let them look through the curtains

Kara takes a long pull on her beer.

Hey girl, look at my mom, she's got it going on Ha, you're blinded by her jewelry When you turn your back she pulls out a flask And forgets his infidelity Uh-oh, she's coming to the attic, plastic Go back to being plastic No one never listens, this wallpaper glistens One day they'll see what goes down in the kitchen

Kara remembers the rumors that circulated about the Luthor family. Most of it was unconfirmed but this song coming out several years after only renewed them. Lena refused to comment in any of her interviews and ended them whenever a reporter dared to ask. Kara admits that she had gone beyond just listening to Lena’s music. She began to wonder who the person was behind the mysterious facade of a nearly unreachable woman.

Cheers and clapping erupt as the song ends. The next song is a completely different sound as Lena is handed an electric guitar. The lights come up so you can see the whole band and the different lights flashing around the stage. Everyone joins in almost instantly to 'Teenagers’ as smoke billows on to the stage and over the crowd.

They're gonna clean up your looks With all the lies in the books To make a citizen out of you Because they sleep with a gun And keep an eye on you, son So they can watch all the things you do Because the drugs never work They're gonna give you a smirk 'Cause they got methods of keepin' you clean They gonna rip up your heads Your aspirations to shreds Another cog in the murder machine They said all Teenagers scare The living shit out of me They could care less As long as someone'll bleed So darken your clothes Or strike a violent pose Maybe they'll leave you alone But not me

Kara decides just to sit back and enjoy being with her sister. The music is really good and Lena Luthor is really talented. Kara gets three more beers for both of them throughout the two-hour concert. Kara has a good buzz going by the time she and Alex shuffle to the parking lot with the mob of people. They wait for their Uber to pick them up on the sidewalk.

“Thanks for coming with me Kara.” Alex drapes her arm around her slightly shorter sister.

“I will always come when you ask me to. You, my sister, are my best friend.”

“And you're mine.”

***

Lena throws back another shot of Maker's and then let's the girl pulling on her hand lead her to the dance floor. The exclusive after-party was held in the loft of some new nightclub. The concert was long forgotten and it was that weird limbo time that got trapped between late night and early morning. People still packed the club and the pretty girl was more than eager to show Lena how big a fan she was. The brunet was pressing her ass into Lena and Lena let her own hands wander from the girl's hips and up her stomach.

“Want to get out of here?” Lena whispers in her ear.

The girl didn't respond and instead takes Lena's hand to make their way to the door of the club. Jess and her bodyguard follow at a distance, always making sure she is safe, despite Lena’s disregard for her own health. Lena’s hotel for the night is just a block away so the journey is quick. Even so, Lena begins exploring the woman’s body in the elevator. Kissing her neck to her collarbone. Fingers sliding under the white crop top that already showed too much skin. The woman’s hands tangle in Lena’s hair and sinful moans escape her lips.

Somehow Lena manages to open her door and get the woman who will help her feel something for the night onto the bed. Clothes were shed with little ceremony as soon as the door shut behind them. Lena resumed kissing her all over. All over except for the lips. She refused to make that connection. That was the thin line that turned sex from fucking into love and Lena couldn't do that again.

A thigh presses against the heat in Lena's center and she moans into the woman's neck. Slender fingers trail down Lena’s back and then caress her hips. They slide quickly in between the already dripping folds between Lena’s legs.

“Fuck.” Is all the girl says as Lena’s hips buck into her hand. She begins circling the swollen nerves and Lena grips the sheets as she hovers over the nameless woman. Lena is relieved that she is moving quickly because some of her partners would try to drag things out.

Lena bends and begins working on the brunette's nipples. Taking one in her mouth and earning a moan in return. The woman dips lower, finally entering Lena and setting a steady pace. Lena bites down slightly and it causes the fingers inside her to jump, bumping the most sensitive spot. Encouraged by whatever noise Lena made, the woman finds it again. And again. Soon Lena stops her menstruations to let her own sensations build inside her. Her release builds quickly and Lena does nothing to slow it.

Lena falls to the side and breathes deeply, reveling in the feeling of her own release.

“You are fucking sexy.” The woman says.

“Shhh… no talking.” Lena says, silencing her with a finger to the lips. Lena quickly begins to work to return the favor. The woman is easy to push over the edge. Almost as soon as the woman's cries end, Lena stands and throws on her sweatshirt and underwear.

“Feel free to take whatever from the minibar. I'm going for a cigarette. I recommend you be gone when I get back.” Lena says to the slightly confused woman. She nods in a daze and Lena steps out onto the balcony she made Jess pay extra for.

She only allowed herself one cigarette after sex. It always helped take her mind off the women and sometimes men she used and kicked out. Lena heard noses behind her, then the door opening and shutting. Lena pulled on the small comfort and watched the city forty floors below. Despite the late hour, lights still lit windows and moved along streets. Sirens could be heard faintly in the distance. It always amazed Lena that she wasn’t the only one whole really felt alive in the hours after two.

Lena puts out the cigarette butt and climbs back into bed. She stares at the ceiling, hoping for a dreamless sleep that alcohol usually brings her.

***

August 5th, 2017

Sweat pours down Kara’s head and back as she runs through the park. The early summer heat bakes onto her shoulders, already sweltering at eight-thirty. She had removed her t-shirt two miles ago and now clutched it in her fist, using it to wipe sweat out of her eyes. She loved finishing her runs in this park. A big fountain stood in the center, along with an ice cream cart that was always open at eight sharp.

Kara was just rounding the last corner when she ran straight into something or someone. Kara quickly grabs whoever it is to stop their fall, her own reflexes keeping her upright. Kara manages to grab one hand and wrap an arm around their back. Brown eyes stare into hers and Kara gulps, realizing who she is now holding.

“Elena!” The woman's eyes go wide.

“Kara!”

“Well, maybe this is destiny.” Kara surprises herself with how smoothly that came out.

“Yeah, to ruin my morning coffee.” Kara winces and looks at the spilled to-go cup now drained on the sidewalk.

“Well, I guess I’ll need that number so I can buy you a new one.” Kara recovers. Elena clears her throat.

“Kara, can I have my hand back?”

“Can I have your number?” Kara tries again. She isn't usually this forward but something is telling her not to miss this chance. Elena rolls her eyes.

“If I am going to give you my phone to put your number in, I will need my hand back.” Kara brakes into a huge grin and releases Elena. The dark-haired woman pulls her phone out of her back pocket and hands it over after unlocking it. Kara enters her number and sends herself a quick text.

“I'm still leaving town in a few days.” Elena tries.

“Looks like I'll have to take you to dinner tonight.”

Elena shakes her head. The loose bun on her head flopping a little. She pushes her glasses back up her nose.

“I can't tonight. Tomorrow though. I’ll have a few nights off work.”

“Hmm… a beautiful mysterious woman works a night job on weekends.”

“And that's all you will get for now,” Elena says, cursing herself for saying that much.

“Goodbye, Elena Colby. I'll call you tomorrow.”

Kara runs off in the opposite direction of where Lena was headed back to her hotel. The loss of her coffee was eclipsed by the distinct raised abdominal muscles of the persistent blonde that clouded Lena’s judgment.

Lena had to recover before her second performance tonight. After that, the tour was going to have a two-week hiatus and Lena was strongly considering spending that time in National City. She tried to shake off the image of the half-naked and actually very muscular woman but she had a feeling that that would be playing a role in her dreams tonight. Lena heads to buy another coffee before going back to her hotel to get dressed for the day.

***

K- How do you feel about Chinese food?

Kara glances at her phone again, waiting for a response from Elena. She had texted the woman, too impatient to wait for tomorrow to call. Frowning, she heads back to the mat to wait for her trainee to come back from his water break. James was a nice guy. He was friends with her cousin and had just moved to National City a couple months ago. Apparently, Clark had recommended he find Kara and train with her to make a friend and also learn some self-defense after being mugged in Metropolis. They fell into an easy friendship that didn't venture much outside the gym except for the occasional coffee or meal after a workout. Sometimes he would join her, Winn, and Alex for game night.

“You keep checking your phone,” James states while strapping back on his gloves.

“Yeah, I'm waiting for someone to respond. Now put 'em up.” Kara raises her padded gloves for James to hit.

They work methodically together. Kara calling out various moves for James to perform while she blocks each one. They work for about another half an hour before it's time to go. Kara is drying off her arms with a towel when she realizes that James is standing awkwardly in front of her.

“Hey. So I was wondering if you would like to get dinner with me tomorrow night.”

“Like a date?”

“Oh yeah. I mean if not that's cool.”

“Well actually, umm… I kind of already have a date for tomorrow. That's the text I was waiting on earlier.” James looks like a kicked puppy at the news.

“Sorry. Raincheck?” Kara didn't want to turn him down completely. James was a nice guy and all. Probably good for her too. But Elena intrigued her and she couldn't pass up this chance, even if she was leaving soon. It seems to brighten the man.

“Raincheck.” He repeats before leaving the gym. Kara looks back down at her phone and smiles.

E- Can sushi be involved?

K- I guess I could find a place that serves both. I'll send you an address when I do. I would pick you up but I actually don't have a car. How does 7 sound?

E- So do you just run everywhere then? Not that I don't enjoy the view. Seven sounds great.

K- walking or the bus. Sometimes I use my sister's bike but she needs it tomorrow. Besides, National City is best explored on foot. You miss too much otherwise.

E- Guess you'll have to show me around properly then. I'll see you tomorrow at seven.

Lena put down her phone and focused on getting ready for tonight after chuckling at the string of emoji's. She couldn't believe she was breaking almost all her rules and going out with this girl. She never let herself get attached. Attachment led to heartbreak and Lena had enough of that. She takes another swig from the flask and winces slightly at the burning liquid. Jessica sat on the couch managing Lena's life almost down to the second. Lena didn't know what to do without the woman. Jessica had been by her side since the label found her during her final year of college, well when she was eighteen. A talent show Lena had entered on a dare from her then-girlfriend led to her winning and signing a deal with Green Diamond Records. Here she was, two albums, three tours, and five years later. The only person she considered anywhere near to a friend was paid to be here.

Lena decides to leaf through the newspaper left on her dressing table. The front page is, of course, her sold-out concert. Something catches her eye in the bottom half of the paper though. A blurry, dark image of a hooded figure punching another shadowy form. The title reads Justice or Revenge? The word vigilante stands out in the small text so Lena starts reading.

Two nights ago another rapist and Cadmus gang member was apprehended by National City’s Vigilante. The criminal was left tied in an alleyway after an anonymous tip was called into the police. The photo was taken by CatCo’s own photographer, James Olsen who just happened to be working on another story for his own publication. The National City police would like to remind everyone that vigilantism is illegal and the apprehension of criminals should be left to the professionals. Any information about this person should be reported to...

Lena kept reading. There wasn't much. Only that whoever this was had been bringing in a lot of low-level criminals who the police were having trouble finding. Each had enough evidence to be convicted for several long years also. Lena decides to pull out her phone and look for more pictures but apparently, the one from this James Olsen was the only one in existence. No wonder the police couldn't identify them.

“Isn't that interesting news? I mean first the crazy guy in Gotham and now whoever this is taking on Cadmus. “ Jess says from behind Lena.

“Yeah, it takes a certain type of crazy to take on criminals like that.”

“It also takes a certain kind of crazy to do what you do.” Jess points out.

“I never said I was sane.” Lena drawls out. Jess laughs.

“Neither am I. But hey, crazy loves company.”

“Misery loves company.” Lena corrects.

“That too. Alright. Time for the last sound check.”

***

Kara carefully wound the bandage around her bruised ribs. Hissing at the soft pressure that brings slight relief once it's in place. The punch didn't break anything but it still hurt like hell.

“Kara!” Alex calls through the apartment. She winces at the anger in her sister's voice. Kara pulls her shirt back down, hiding the evidence of tonight's activities. Slowly Kara walks out of her bathroom and into the kitchen. Alex throws this morning's paper at her. She sees it. The picture that no one should have caught because it was three in the morning two nights ago. It just so happened to be at the time that James just happened to be working on another story about corruption at the docks.

“So they finally got a picture of this vigilante,” Kara says, trying to remain neutral.

“You know I couldn't figure out how they avoided leaving evidence of any kind. How every camera had been avoided. Now it makes sense. I trained you. Taught you more than I should.”

“I don't know what you are talking about.”

“Save it, Kara. I bought that red and blue hoodie for you last Christmas. The marks left on the captives are consistent with a professional fighter. Most of the men would take significant strength to bring down. I know it's you. You have lied to my face about this for the last time.”

Alex is serious. If Kara pushes this could be their worse fight yet. Alex knows and Kara can't pretend any longer. Kara drops her head and goes to sit on the couch, hoping that siting will de-escalate the tension before Alex actually explodes. She winces as the bandages pull at her bruised ribs.

“Okay. Yes. It's me. I couldn't keep doing nothing. Not after that girl was raped and left to die not four blocks from here. Not when I can do something.” Alex follows Kara but doesn't sit.

“Kara! You need to leave this to the professionals. The police are trying to do their job and they can't if you are…”

“If I'm what?!” Kara explodes, standing again in front of her sister.

“If I am leaving criminals nicely tied up with everything but a bow? If I am leaving them alive and willing to testify against those even higher up? If I am giving people hope?”

“That isn't the point. It's illegal, what you are doing. It has been since the crazy Archer started killing off corrupt politicians in Starling City two years ago.”

“I'm not killing anyone! The police aren't actively looking for me because of that. Yes, they warn against it and try to seem like they are doing something but most of those cops are relieved that something can actually be done. Maggie told me so.” That makes Alex pause.

“Maggie knows?”

“Not who I am. She just thanked me after the third guy I practically dropped on the hood of her cruiser. I wear a mask and use a voice modulator.”

“How the hell do you have a voice modulator?” Kara winces. Knowing she slipped up again.

“Umm...Winn?”

“Winn!?”

“Well yeah, he's like super smart. Like the top IT guy for CatCo smart should have gone to MIT smart... Well, he made me a mask and a voice modulator and he's actually working on a suit for me to wear.”

“Winn knows.” Alex states.

“Winn gave me the idea. He has supported me through this whole thing.”

“I'm going to kill him.”

“Alex leave him out of this. It was my choice.”

“It's a stupid choice!”

“Well, I made it. And I'm not changing my mind now!” Kara yells back. She was right. This would be their worst fight. The never yelled like this. Not since Kara's very misguided choice of dating that man-child Mike.

“Kara!”

“Alex! For the first time since I quit the ring I feel like myself. Like helping people is what I am meant to do.”

“You can help people in other ways.”

“And I will. I'm going to start teaching self-defense lessons at different schools. But this, Alex this is making a difference. I can already see it.”

“You could get killed,” Alex says, suddenly soft.

“Or I'll risk regretting my life. I know the danger is real. That is why I am careful. It's why Winn has my back.”

“How does Winn have your back?” Alex asks.

“Umm… not something I think I can tell a federal agent who already hates him.” Alex finally sits on the couch and Kara follows her.

“Just promise me you won't be reckless.”

“I swear. We don't do anything without a plan.”

“Okay. So why did you ask me to come over then? I assume it wasn't so we could scream at each other.”

“I have a date tomorrow.” Kara grins at her big sister.

“Who?”

“The girl from Noonan’s. I literally ran into her at the park and pulled the smoothest line ever.”

“Blushing, babbling Kara Danvers pulled a smooth line on a pretty girl? Now I know your lying.”

“Well, I set myself up for it yesterday, even though it was the cheesiest thing to say, ever. I told her if I saw her again it would be fate or destiny and I would ask for her number again. Then on my usual morning jog, I turned a corner in the park and literally had to catch her from falling. She agreed to a date once I called it fate again.”

“You realize that your 'morning jog’ is something most people train for months to do once?”

“Not the point Alex.”

“Right, so does this girl believe in fate then?”

“No, I just think it was a good line.”

“Okay, so where are you taking her?”

“I want potstickers and she wants sushi so I was thinking that new Fusion restaurant. But I have no idea what to wear. I mean I haven't been on a date since forever. Help me?” Alex laughs at the pleading look on her sister’s face and stands to go look through her closet.

“You could do with fewer cardigans, you know,” Alex calls from the other room.

“I like them. They go with everything.” Kara calls back as she gets up to follow her sister.

“Well, they aren't really first date-worthy. Give me a second. I think I remember you having.. ah, here it is. Now if only you had… these work… shoes...shoes...shoes…” Alex is mumbling to herself while Kara sits on her bed to wait.

“Perfect!” Alex exclaims.

Kara perks up as Alex lays the outfit out on the bed. A dark blue off the shoulder shirt she forgot she owned with black ripped jeans and ankle boots.

“Blue was always your color. And arms are probably one of your best features. Especially for sweeping pretty girls off their feet.” Kara squeals and hugs her sister excitedly.

“Thank you, Alex!” Alex brings her arms up to hug Kara back. The pressure causes Kara to intake a sharp breath. Alex doesn't even ask what's wrong. She jerks her sister’s shirt up to find the bandages wrapping Kara’s torso.

“Kara!”

“It's fine Alex. Just some bruised ribs. Nothing is broken.” Kara thinks she can literally see Alex swallowing her next words. She just nods instead, not wanting to renew the anger already.

“Have fun on your date tomorrow. I have to go. Maggie and I are meeting to go over another case.”

“Have fun on your date then.” Alex rolls her eyes.

“It's not a date. Our superiors are just glad we are closing a bunch of cases. She has good connections on the streets. I have good connections in the FBI.”

“Okay, sis. But I'm calling it now.”

“Calling what?”

“Being the maid of honor at your wedding.” Alex begins sputtering in response.

“Goodbye, Kara. Remember the three date rule.”

“Three date rule?” That gives Alex some of her swagger back.

“Bye Kara.” She calls over her shoulder on the way to the door.

“Alex!” Kara calls after the woman, the door shuts without further explanation.

[andimarquette]

Introduce yourself to the rest of the class.

I’m a lifelong writer, originally from California (Los Angeles and then San Francisco), retired now and living in Decatur, Georgia. For many years I wrote under my given name, Priscilla Scott Rhoades, for the gay/lesbian and alternative press in San Francisco, including the Sentinel, Plexus, and the San Francisco Bay Guardian. I also published poetry and short fiction in a number of literary journals, and articles in various magazines and newspapers.

A few years ago I tried writing erotica under the pseudonym Pascal Scott. My erotic short stories have appeared in several anthologies including Thunder of War, Lightning of Desire: Lesbian Historical Military Erotica; Through the Hourglass: Lesbian Historical Romance; Order Up: A Menu of Lesbian Romance and Erotica; Unspeakably Erotic: Lesbian Kink; Best Lesbian Erotica, Vol. 2 (2017); and Best Lesbian Erotica, Vol. 3 (2018).

Now I’m trying thrillers. Hard Fall: A McStone and Martinelli Thriller is the first in a series of novels coming from Sapphire Books Publishing.

Who are you and what makes you tick?

What makes me tick? Writing. I truly believe that the writing life is the best life imaginable, and I’m lucky to be able to live it and to share it with my lover, who is also a writer.

What does it mean to you to be an author?

An author is a writer who has been published. A writer is someone who has pages of written words lying around that may never get the blessing of a publisher. Being published is a privilege. I’m extremely fortunate to be a published author. There are lots of good writers who never get published.

What makes a writer a writer?

Writing is an obsession. Thomas Mann said a writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people. The compulsion to write, no matter how your day is going, is what makes a writer a writer. The novelist Don Winslow talks about how when he committed to writing five pages a day, he forced himself to keep that commitment no matter how his day unfolded, including the day he was chased and shot at by drug lords.

A writer is someone who understands that it takes more than desire to write well. As Christopher Hitchens said, “Everyone has a book in them, and in most cases that’s exactly where it should stay.” Everybody has a story to tell, but not everybody can tell a story. Writers need to learn their craft, to study grammar, to respect the beauty of the English language, to take classes, to get a job at a newspaper, to do all the things writers have always been advised to do. And read. If you’re not reading, you’re not a writer. Read everything that’s good. As Jewell Gomez said recently, if you’re reading only authors who look like you, you’re not reading widely enough.

Are you promoting a specific book? Tell us about it. Include the book blurb if you’d like.

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Hard Fall: A McStone and Martinelli Thriller.

Five days after the Loma Prieta earthquake strikes San Francisco, Emily Bryson, a young, everything-to-live-for lesbian SFSU student/part-time exotic dancer, is dead, her body washed up on a beach south of the Golden Gate Bridge. The medical examiner rules it a suicide, and the police close the missing person case filed by Emily’s lover, K. M. “Stone” McStone. Through a series of fortunate circumstances, Stone is introduced to Zoe Martinelli, office manager of Coppola Investigations, amateur sleuth, and student psychic. Stone and Zoe team up to find out what really happened to Emily. Was it suicide, as everyone assumes? Or murder? Or something else?

 Tell us about your biggest guilty pleasure. For example, to you sit naked in your pantry in the middle of the night and eat Nutella with your fingers?

Coffee. I joke about it, but I drink too much coffee. Seriously too much. But still, it’s coffee. I’m interested in watching where the American Psychiatric Association is going with their “Caffeine Use Disorder,” which came this close to be included in the DSM-5 (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, their bible). Now that they’ve depathologized sexual diversity and consensual kink, they’ve got to have somebody to pick on. Guess it’s going to be us coffee drinkers. I’m only half kidding here.

Tell us one thing that you’re passionate about. For example, would you strap yourself to an oil rigging a la Lucy Lawless with a Greenpeace sign in your hands?

Uh, no to the Greenpeace strapping. I’m passionate about my lover, the author Josette Murray. I’m passionate about writing, reading, words, books. That’s about it. Hemingway said he needed two things in his life to be happy: work to do and someone to love. That’s my formula, too.

What’s your writing process? That is, do you have a particular place you write and/or time of day? Do you have any particular things you do before you write? (e.g. do you listen to music, drink coffee, take dance breaks…)

I usually get up between 5:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and am at my desktop computer first thing, drinking coffee. I write until about noon, then break, and then take it up again in the late afternoon or early evening. This is my schedule now that I am retired, which is wonderful. When I was working fulltime, I wrote when I could—in the mornings before work or in the evenings when they were free, or on the weekends.

Tell us something that most people don’t know about you (unless you’d have to kill us, in which case tell us something that some people don’t know).

Like several of the characters I write about, I was a ward of the state of California and grew up in foster care. I know there are good foster parents out there, but there are too many bad ones, and too many bad group homes. The comedian Monroe Martin, who grew up in care, once joked that foster care is where they take you out of a situation in which you were neglected, molested, or abused and put you into that exact same situation. Too often that’s what happens when a kid goes into care. It did with me, which is part of why I became a writer.

Is there a book by another author that you wish you had written?

The Silent Wife by A.S.A. Harrison. Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. The Talented Mr. Ripley by Patricia Highsmith.

If time and money were no problem, where would you most like to go in the world?

Europe. I’ve never been. Back in my twenties when so many people I knew seemed to be backpacking through Europe and staying in hostels, I was busy working a survival job, finishing my BA (which took me nine years to complete), and juggling parttime assignments as a freelance writer. If I had all the money in the world—I’m retired so time isn’t the problem now—I’d travel more and see Europe. And I’d do more Olivia Cruises. I got back recently from a Sapphire Literary Adventures at Sea cruise with Olivia to the Caribbean. If I had money, I’d live on a Holland American ship and cruise the world with Olivia.

And finally, what sorts of writing projects are next for you?

I just submitted the second book in the Hard series to my publisher, Sapphire Books. It’s called Hard Luck: An Elizabeth Taylor Bundy Thriller. It picks up where Hard Fall ends and follows the Elizabeth character. I’m currently working on Hard Line: A McStone and Martinelli Thriller. Hard Fall took place in 1989; Hard Luck in 1996. It’s 2008 in Hard Line, and this third book in the series brings the reader up-to-date to that year in the lives of Stone McStone and Zoe Martinelli. And, of course, in every Hard book somebody dies, and there are disturbing circumstances and unanswered questions about the death. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be a thriller, would it?

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Pascal Scott is the pseudonym of the author of Hard Fall: A McStone and Martinelli Thriller from Sapphire Books. Writing under her given name, Priscilla Scott Rhoades, her poetry, short fiction, and newspaper and magazine articles have appeared in numerous publications. She has a BA in Creative Writing from San Francisco State University and an MA in Liberal Studies from the University of North Carolina-Greensboro. After a long career in academia, she retired happily to Decatur, Georgia.

  www.sapphirebooks.com

Facebook/Priscilla Scott Rhoades

Twitter/pascalscottwrit

https://www.amazon.com/Hard-Fall-McStone-Martinelli-Thriller-ebook/dp/B07QFYNMC5/ref=sr_1_fkmrnull_3?keywords=hard+fall%3A+a+mcstone&qid=1558213269&s=books&sr=1-3-fkmrnull

  Back Cover Blurb

  Five days after the Loma Prieta earthquake strikes San Francisco, Emily Bryson, a young, everything-to-live-for lesbian SFSU student/part-time exotic dancer, is dead, her body washed up on a beach south of the Golden Gate Bridge. The medical examiner rules it a suicide, and the police close the missing person case filed by Emily’s lover, K. M. “Stone” McStone.

Stone, the university’s graduate admissions officer, doesn’t believe it’s a suicide. The Emily she knew had too much going for her to take her own life. Through a series of fortunate circumstances, Stone is introduced to Zoe Martinelli, office manager of Coppola Investigations, amateur sleuth, and student psychic. Stone and Zoe team up to find out what really happened to Emily. Their investigation takes them into the private lives of San Francisco’s exotic dancers and into Emily’s dark past where they discover that some secrets can be deadly.

Was it suicide, as everyone assumes? Or murder? Or something else?

Q & A with Pascal Scott

Introduce yourself to the rest of the class. I’m a lifelong writer, originally from California (Los Angeles and then San Francisco), retired now and living in Decatur, Georgia.

Q & A with Pascal Scott Introduce yourself to the rest of the class. I’m a lifelong writer, originally from California (Los Angeles and then San Francisco), retired now and living in Decatur, Georgia.

[yespoetry]

Justin Karcher: The Opioid Zodiac

The Opioid Zodiac

 Cancer

 Antidepressants

washed into the ocean

make crabs more aggressive

more daring

they take more risks

they become

successful cloud rappers

they wear Adidas tracksuits

they die young

  Leo

 Every city I’ve been to has

an overabundance of

lion statues

some stand guard

in front of apartment buildings

where the addicts inside are

bashing their hands bloody

against a god

who looks like a cactus

all those needles

 courage is everywhere

  Virgo

 A bad harvest year

 streetlights suffering

from mild seizures

day or night doesn’t matter

 carry elephant bones

in the bags

under our eyes

 talk a lot about memory

farmers’ markets

that are really cemeteries

Persephone sitting alone

under a tree

dripping with maggots

 she’s singing “Heart of Gold”

no life here

but hang in there

  Libra

 Every night

the golden birdman

parks his Egyptian food truck

down by the twitchy river

but it’s not really

a food truck

 an illusion

he’s selling

 the afterlife

 a scale

to measure our hearts

 we wait in line

sink like stones

wake up in nests

  Scorpio

 25 songs on Drake’s album

Scorpion

released June 2018

 so far this year

freelance writers

making shit money

have inked

25 obituaries

for friends of mine

 someone drowns in a tub

nearly every day in America

sometimes they confuse

dangerous scorpions

for bars of soap

 the struggle to

get clean

  Sagittarius

 Sometimes

hurricanes

wash wild horses

out to sea

 but the lead stallion

always keeps

most of his harem together

on higher ground

 they put their butts

into the wind

ride it out

watch their friends die

 somewhere

Lady Gaga is riding

the ghost of a horse

she loved very much

  Capricorn

 The stranger is wearing

my dead friend’s headphones

he declares, “Eminem is the best

the greatest of all time”

 everybody hates everybody

but the party’s still going on

we pluck stars from the sky

they explode in our hands

 they’re not really stars

just grenades wrapped in glow tape

now our hands are gone

we try smoking, but can’t hold the cigarettes

 so we drop to our knees

dig in the dirt

search for the right words to say

  Aquarius

 Summer left a long time ago

 now homeless kids

fill up buckets with snow

 they use blowtorches

to melt the snow

 they fill up water guns

with the blood of winter

 they run through the city

spraying summer on depressed adults

 oh beautiful youth

never turn into cupbearers

for drunk birds

 oh beautiful youth

always be in control

always dream of better things

  Pisces

 The father of all monsters

rises from the heartland

spits out poisonous goldfish

in all directions

 eyeless mothers

catch the carnival fish

with butterfly nets

now they have new eyes

 plugging the holes

in leaky pipes

with the abuse

they’ve been given

 blessed are those

who see the world

for what it is

but still love

 unconditionally

 even when their eyes

go bad

even when their dreams

float to the surface

  Aries

 High school teacher

tired of all the funerals

climbs a ladder

to the top of the clouds

grabs some icicles

hanging from God’s gutters

 back on earth

she puts the icicles

between her fingers

now she looks like Wolverine

the animal in us all

she’s ready for war

 she goes to the club

where pharmaceutical reps

drink the tears of a nation

she tries to stab them

but her claws start to melt

they fall off

 a heart too big for this world

but the music keeps playing

  Taurus

 Coming from a small town

you don’t have a lot of opportunities

 born into it

thrown from bulls, stomped on

 prayers weighing 2,000 pounds

your chest collapsing if they land on you

 sometimes you think, I don’t know

what blood looks like anymore

 so you throw a bottle of red wine

through a stained glass window

 everyone loves glass on glass

everyone loves scar on scar

 good people devoured by nothingness

a color wheel of plasma just rolling along

  Gemini

 They say

identical twins

feel each other’s pain

can read

each other’s mind

 I imagine a world

where supernatural empathy

turns us all

into identical twins

eating

 from the same plate of shit

every one of us

having the same stomach

every one of us

having the same ache

Justin Karcher is a Pushcart-nominated poet and playwright born and raised in Buffalo, New York. He is the author of several books of poetry, including Tailgating at the Gates of Hell (Ghost City Press, 2015). He is also the editor of Ghost City Review and co-editor of the anthology My Next Heart: New Buffalo Poetry (BlazeVOX [books], 2017). He tweets @Justin_Karcher.

[callunavulgari]

Scrapbook 2019 | Pt. I

Normal font - meh, it was okay | Italicized titles - enjoyed quite a bit | bold titles - love | titles with an asterisk* - all time favorites | (bracketed titles) - re-watches/re-reads | strikethough - dislike

Goals are: read one hundred books this year, finish five video games, write something novel-length and write something original. These last two goals CAN be combined.

MOVIES

January

(Kingsman: The Golden Circle)

Pitch Perfect 3

February

(Big Hero 6)

March

Geostorm

Captain Marvel

(Thor Ragnarok)

(Avengers: Infinity War)

(Pocahontas)

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Venom

April

(Brave)

(Flipper)

(Spirited Away)

(Breakfast at Tiffany’s)

How To Train Your Dragon 3

Crazy Rich Asians

Matilda

The Death Cure

The Mummy (2017)

(Monster’s University)

Avengers: Endgame

May

Detective Pikachu

Bohemian Rhapsody

The Rim of the World

June

(Zombieland)

Rocketman

The Secret Life of Pets 2

Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse

July

Spiderman: Far From Home

Truth or Dare

(Coraline)

BOOKS

January

Ender’s Game | Orson Scott Card [Fin]

The Poppy War | R.F. Kuang [Fin]

Turtles All The Way Down | John Green [Fin]

Challenger Deep | Neal Shusterman [Fin]

The Bear and the Nightingale | Katherine Arden [Fin] 

Shards of Honor | Lois Mcmaster Bujold [Fin]

(Throne of Jade | Naomi Novak) [Fin]

The Wicked King | Holly Black [Fin]

Vengeful | V.E. Schwab

Elantris | Brandon Sanderson

February

Vengeful | V.E. Schwab [Fin]

Elantris | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

(Black Powder War | Naomi Novak) [Fin]

(The Amulet of Samarkand | Jonathon Stroud) [Fin]

Once Upon a River | Diane Setterfield

(The Golem’s Eye | Jonathon Stroud) [Fin]

(Ptolemy’s Gate | Jonathon Stroud) [Fin]

The Screaming Staircase | Jonathon Stroud

March

Once Upon a River | Diane Setterfield [Fin]

The Screaming Staircase | Jonathon Stroud [Fin]

The Girl In the Tower | Katherine Arden [Fin]

The Whispering Skull | Jonathon Stroud

(Empire of Ivory | Naomi Novak) [Fin]

The Two Towers | J.R.R Tolkien

Winter of the Witch | Katherine Arden

Saga, Vol 1 | Brian Vaughn

Saga, Vol 2 | Brian Vaughn

Saga, Vol 3 | Brian Vaughn

Saga, Vol 4 | Brian Vaughn

Saga, Vol 5 | Brian Vaughn

Saga, Vol 6 | Brian Vaughn

April

The Whispering Skull | Jonathon Stroud [Fin]

The Slow Regard of Silent Things | Patrick Rothfuss [Fin]

The Two Towers | J.R.R Tolkien [Fin]

Winter of the Witch | Katherine Arden [Fin]

Forest of a Thousand Lanterns | Julie Dao [Fin]

King of Scars | Leigh Bardugo [Fin]

The Hollow Boy | Jonathon Stroud [Fin]

Mistborn | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

The Well of Ascension | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

The Creeping Shadow | Jonathon Stroud [Fin]

The Empty Grave | Jonathon Stroud [Fin]

May

Hero of Ages | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

Everything I Never Told You | Celeste Ng [Fin]

The Kiss Quotient | Helen Hoang [Fin]

The Two Towers | J.R.R. Tolkien [Fin]

The Near Witch | Victoria Schwab [Fin]

The Trials of Apollo | Rick Riordan [Fin]

Alloy of Law | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

The Gentlemen’s Guide to Vice and Virtue | Mackenzi Lee [Fin]

Shadows of Self | Brandon Sanderson

The Dark Prophecy | Rick Riordan

Sabriel | Garth Nix [Fin]

June

Shadows of Self | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

The Dark Prophecy | Rick Riordan [Fin]

(Victory of Eagles | Naomi Novak) [Fin]

Warbreaker | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

(Tongues of Serpents | Naomi Novak) [Fin]

The Bands of Mourning | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

What If It’s Us | Becky Albertalli & Adam Silvera [Fin]

A Court of Thorns and Roses | Sarah J. Maas [Fin]

Carmilla | Kim Turrisi [Fin]

The Alchemist | Paulo Coelho 

The Eye of the World | Robert Jordan

The Hundred-Foot Journey | Richard C. Morais 

Three Dark Crowns | Kendare Blake

Mistborn: The Secret History | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

The Eleventh Metal | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

July

The Alchemist | Paulo Coelho [Fin]

The Eye of the World | Robert Jordan

The Hundred-Foot Journey | Richard C. Morais [Fin]

Three Dark Crowns | Kendare Blake [Fin]

Saga Vol. 8 | Brian Vaughn [Fin]

Saga Vol. 9 | Brian Vaughn [Fin]

Codename Villanelle | Luke Jennings [Fin]

Borne | Jeff Vandermeer [Fin]

Crucible of Gold | Naomi Novak [Fin]

The Time Traveler’s Wife | Audrey Niffenegger [Fin]

The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy | Mackenzi Lee [Fin]

The Wise and the Wicked |  Rebecca Podos [Fins]

Sweetbitter | Stephanie Danler [Fin]

Blood of Tyrants | Naomi Novak [Fin]

PODCASTS

January

Adventure Zone Ep 1

EOS 10 s4 1-4

February

EOS 10 s4 4-7

March

The Penumbra Podcast

April

Adventure Zone Ep 2

May

Welcome to Night Vale Eps 30-54

The Bright Sessions -Bonus Eps-

June

Welcome to Night Vale Eps 54-59

The Penumbra Podcast (Second Citadel eps + last two Juno)

July

Welcome to Night Vale Eps 60-

The Magnus Archive Eps 1-11

TV SHOWS BY SEASON

January

Voltron s8

The Flash

Black Mirror: Bandersnatch

February

Happy

The Umbrella Academy

The Flash

Black Mirror

Russian Doll

March 

The 90s

The 2000s

(Sailor Moon)

Maniac

The Dragon Prince

(Inuyasha)

American Gods

April

American Gods s2

Voltron s8

World’s Weirdest Homes

Game of Thrones s8

Brooklyn 99

The Bold Type

Cupcake Wars

May

Schitt’s Creek s1-3

Game of Thrones s8

June

Schitt’s Creek s4

Good Omens

The Terror

Chernobyl

Black Mirror s4

July

Rick & Morty s3

Stranger Things s3

Schitt’s Creek s4

VIDEO GAMES

January

Pokemon Go?

(Kingdom Hearts: DDD, 54 hrs) [Fin]

Pokemon Let’s Go Eevee

Detroit: Become Human [Fin]

Kingdom Hearts 3 - Monstropolis, 20 hrs

Life is Strange, Episode 2, 4 hrs

February

Kingdom Hearts 3, 56 hrs [Fin]

Pokemon Go

Life is Strange, Episode 5, 20 hrs [Fin]

Life is Strange -Before the Storm- Episode 1 complete, 5 hrs

God of War (3 hrs)

March 

God of War (35 hrs) [Fin]

Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey (40 hrs)

April

Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey (43 hrs)

(Final Fantasy XIII)

Portal 2 [Fin]

Final Fantasy 15 - Episodes Prompto, Ignis, Gladio, and Ardyn [Fin]

May

Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey (70 hrs)

Life Is Strange -Before the Storm- Episode 2 complete, 15 hours

June

Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey (120 hrs) [Fin]

Rime (1 hr)

Final Fantasy XII: Zodiac Age (1 hr)

Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess HD (2 hrs)

July

Rime (25 hrs) [Fin]

Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess HD (35 hrs)

Witcher 3 DLC: Hearts of Stone [Fin]

Witcher 3 DLC: Blood and Wine (10 hrs)

DELIGHTFUL FIC

January

What Dreams May Come by Lenore | Crimson Peake | Edith/Thomas | 5k |  Ghosts are real, and there are things that tie them to this world. Sometimes it's because they want to linger, and sometimes it's because they are trapped. Sometimes ghosts need the help of the living before they can be truly free.

and prove your body wrong by paperclipbitch | The Defenders | Matt Murdock/Jessica Jones | 1k | Neither of them can read minds, but they both fake it for their day jobs.

these roads will take you into your own country by notbecauseofvictories | American Gods | Shadow/Laura, Gen | 5k | Here’s a joke for you: a Muslim, a zombie, and a leprechaun walk into a bar in Misery, Indiana. No one stares, because no one in the puckered, shitty asshole of Misery, Indiana gives a fuck. The Colts are playing.“Fucking new gods,” the leprechaun mutters, hunching his shoulders almost up to his ears. “Gridiron and Pepsi commercials.”

Small Step For Man by Toft [archived by yuletide_archivist] | Greek Myth | Artemis/Apollo | 4k | "It's all right, sister," Apollo whispers, and his arm is warm around her shoulder. She forgets, he is her twin, he is her other half; he knows her almost as well as she knows herself. "We're still the same."

learning curve by Yuu_chi | Detroit | Hank/Connor | 15k | “While sexual activity is not my default purpose, I do possess the capability,” Connor says without so much as batting an eye, unaware that he’s completely shattered Hank’s world view in one single sentence.

machine learning by kriegersan | Detroit | Hank/Connor | 31k | “This kinda shit doesn’t go away overnight. It’s only been a few months, Connor. We’re only just starting to know what this is gonna look like.” Lt. Anderson throws back his beer.“You think I don’t know that?” He sounds defensive. He tempers his voice. “I’m simply processing.”

eighteen wheels on an uphill climb by blackeyedblonde | Detroit | Hank/Connor | 73k | Hank is going to die. He’s going to die right here in Kentucky, 53 years old, halfway to broke, and tragically sober. Survived only by a nine-year-old St. Bernard and the 31-year-old twink who delivered the fatal blow.

Fuck pride (pride only hurts, it never helps) by ImogenGotDrunk | Detroit | Nines/Gavin | 40k | What Gavin cannot deal with is Connor’s replica; two inches taller, blue-eyed, and with a mouth that Gavin doesn’t know whether to punch or take between his teeth. The RK900 model has been assigned as his partner for the foreseeable future.

linguistics, semantics by pseudoanalytics | DBH | Hankcon | 49k | "So, what? Cyberlife gave you a preference for ugly, old, washed-up bastards?" Connor intentionally allows himself to appear unamused. "Absolutely not." He waits for Hank to look at him again before delivering his punchline. "I believe I developed that for myself."

Skin Deep by bughnrahk | DBH | Hankcon | 50k | Hank is 53 years old. He's never had a soul mark, doesn't have a soul mate. And he's fine with that. He cheated the system once and it cost him everything he had. Never again.When August 2038 rolls around and the number '313 248 317 - 51' appears on his arm in perfect Cyberlife Sans font, exactly where a soul mark should be, Hank wants nothing to do with it.

Watch Me, Watch You by elefseus (oscillos) | DBH | Hank/Connor | 82k | WIP | "How do you go about living when everything you've ever known changes? Can you?"

the most formidable lies by fshep | DBH | Connor/Gavin | 15k | WIP | Gavin is given an ultimatum: agree to give his mother’s coworker’s son a chance, or introduce his family to his new boyfriend, Connor, who isn’t his boyfriend at all.

February

and we'll figure it out by consumptive_sphinx | Temeraire | Lawrence/Tharkay | 1.5k | Everyone is born with their soulmate's name written on their skin, somewhere. Laurence has two names. Neither of them are in a script he can read.

Propriety and Fate by esama | Temeraire | Lawrence/Tharkay | 3.5k | It isn't as if one can go and talk about such things

Watercast by Fishwrites | Voltron | Keith/Lance | 205k WIP, Chapter 15 | Shiro has been a Galra prisoner for over a year; with his flight feathers clipped and unable to fly. Desperate to escape, he jumps overboard while being transported to the capitol on a Galran ship. Lance is a merman who saves him from drowning. Keith thinks Shiro is about to become mermaid dinner. Hunk just wants Lance to stop going to the surface all the time, dammit!

Afterlife by jaegermighty | Haunting of Hill House | Gen, Luke-centric | 6k |  Leigh and Steve name their daughter Eleanore, with an 'e' on the end which is more old-fashioned, they say. Eleanore Olivia Crain. Lots of dead people in that name; Luke's not a fan. Not that anyone asked his opinion.

in memoriam by oxymoronic | Bartimaeus | Gen | 1.5k | Kitty Jones has but a little strength left in her body, and she has decided on this lazy summer's night to spend it on the question which has plagued her for half a century.

March 

Second Chances by rootbeer | Teen Wolf | Sterek | 2k | "A lot of times the ‘markings’ were common, simple things you said to strangers all the time. 'Excuse me'; 'thank you'; 'hello'. Some got extremely romantic things like 'it’s you isn’t it? I’ve been waiting for you' or 'Wow you’re really pretty'. And they were always the first words their soulmate would ever say to them.Of course, having 'You are the fucking worst kind of person in the world' tattooed down your side, didn’t bode well.

have your cake and eat it too by keskasi | Naruto | Naruto/Sasuke | 7k | “What’s it like to give a blowjob?” Naruto asks.

Timing it Right by DragonBandit | The Bright Sessions | Mark/Damien | 14k | Damien's gold rises at Whitney. Mark tries to make things right.

April

and maybe you'll find a way to keep me a floating when i can't by LazyBaker | Stranger Things | 3k | Billie’s tough. Nothing but sharp edges with sharper teeth. She’s all bark and all bite.

A thousand by Ever-so-reylo (Ever_So_Reylo) | Star Wars | Reylo | 3k |  “I’m going to kill you, now.” The problem is—really, the crux of all of Rey’s problems at the moment—he actually thinks he means it.

He Who Is Made Of Iron by MayContainBlueberries | The Queen’s Thief | Gen, Costis centric | Tea reminds Costis of his childhood.

May

for my wild by vixleonard | GOT | Arya/Gendry | Set post 8x04, Arya tries to find out who Arya Stark is now.

Almost Cool by blacktofade | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Shane/Ryan | 30k | While filming the Yuma Territorial Prison episode, Shane gets bitten by what he thinks is a bat. Spoiler alert: it's not.

Two Worlds Collided by blacktofade | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Shane/Ryan | 10k | There's a new guy at work and Ryan belatedly realizes they've actually already met once before.

Keeping Out the Cold by blacktofade | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | After a strange ghostly encounter, Ryan and Shane begin sharing visions via a telepathic bond. AKA: the In Your Eyes AU that no one asked for.

Bringing Things Together by blacktofade | Buzzfeed Unsolved | 7k | “Look,” Shane says over the phone. “Mistakes were made.”

Pride by astolat | Game of Thrones | Jaime/Cersei/Brienne | 22k Jaime didn’t understand why Cersei suddenly insisted on trimming his hair and shaving his beard, but he also didn’t care to fight her on it, even though he’d just as soon have kept the beard: it was bitterly cold in the small tower room with its arrow-slits. At night, even curled together under the two blankets they’d been allotted, it took the better part of an hour before their bodies could warm the bed enough to sleep.

L'aura è tua messaggera by Rosyredlipstick | PJO | Nico/Will | 9k | Or, how the Stoll Brothers accidentally got Nico di Angelo and Will Solace together.

June

Competition by astolat | GoT | Jaime/Brienne | 11k | Almost the instant Brienne was out of earshot, Bronn turned to Podrick, jerked his head towards Jaime and asked, “Has he fucked her yet?”

Skin and Scales by Ernmark (M_Moonshade) | The Penumbra Podcast | Arum/Rilla/Damien | 17k | The man glares, and this time, Damien is certain it isn’t a trick of the light: those eyes are violet as amethyst. He wears disdain like a second skin–- or, perhaps, like the scales that he is missing.“Lord Arum?”

I will become yours and you will become mine by spiderwebsitar | DBH | Reed900 | 24k | After an argument with his new partner, Gavin Reed wakes up five years in the future married to an android who won’t stop making fucking waffles.

Numerology by Hth | Schitt’s Creek | Patrick/David, Sebastien/David | 20k | Still, it's true that Patrick can have his shy side. He likes to be a gentleman – Mr. Order Whatever You Want I'm Paying and Mr. Here Let Me Fix That For You and Mr. No David Not In the Backseat I Want It to Be Special – so David can't entirely rely on Patrick's willingness to charge forward for the greater good.

someone you like by caela | She-Ra | Adora/Catra | 5k |  catwithabat u think ur so hipster but u just look like a lesbian 27m she_ra @catwithabat bc… i’m a lesbian. lmao 5m

Ugly Words and Pretty Things by Ias | The Terror | Crozier/Fitzjames | 4k | There are words for a man like that.

Sands of Time by tirsynni | LoZ | Link/Ganondorf | 97k | Link awakens in the desert with no idea how he got there, to encounter his worst enemy...except it was the King of the Gerudo, not the King of Evil, he faced.

death shall be no more by Ias | The Terror | Fitzjames/Crozier | 5k | "I'd rather we leave our tents behind and sleep two to a sack like the orphans we are, than to leave one man alone with last burdens."

and then redemption by spidermooned (softlyblue) | Marvel | Spiderman & Loki | 7k | "Kid," says Tony Stark wearily, "Please gimme a reason Loki's been spotted talking to Spiderman that isn't 'I wanted to be his friend'. Please. Tell me you can do that."

so many ways to talk about longing by lymricks | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 3.6k | Steve wakes up--in a pool lounger--to Billy Hargrove looming over him. Billy pushes his sunglasses down and Steve thinks sleepily that it must be so that Steve gets the full impact of Billy’s narrow-eyed glare. “Harrington,” Billy says. “We’re fucking closed.”

sun gutters by lymricks | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 5k | Steve can feel Billy’s eyes on him. “You should get here early,” Billy says, casually. “Tomorrow. At six.”

Finders Keepers by blacktofade | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 3k | Ryan wakes with a hangover and an empty bed, and only one of them he expects.

Back Room by forthegreatergood | Good Omens | Aziraphale/Crowley | 5.6k | Aziraphale actually does have quite an extensive collection of pornography in the bookshop. Like most of the questionable things in Aziraphale’s life, it’s Crowley’s fault.

killed with kindness by veterization | Persona 5 | Akechi/Akira | 52k | Goro can't quite figure out why so many people keep acting like they're his friend.

July

On mandated uniforms and workplace entertainment by Thei | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 2k | Robin loves this job. Besides an income, it also provides her with quality entertainment. Especially when she's working with Steve, and Billy Hargrove shows up.

don't make a shadow (of yourself) by lymricks | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 11k | WIP | And Billy, curled in a cheap plastic seat with his eyes squeezed shut, wonders, could it really be this easy? Just get on a bus and go home?

paper thin by sarcasticfishes | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane/Sara | 9k | Shane’s new neighbors are a morning-sex kind of couple.

your love is three times better by sarcasticfishes | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane/Sara | 14k | Ryan grimaces as he types out the words, >It’s Valentine’s Day. Don’t you want to do romance stuff?

you, through half-shut eyes by brawlite | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 8k | Two parts sugary sweet summer vibes, one part snarky instagram stories, and three parts mutual pining.

damn.nation, now available on itunes by antistar_e (kaikamahine) | Good Omens | Crowley/Aziraphale | 11k | When lowly tempt-pusher Amphora (formerly of Stairwell 7B North, before she Fell,) gets the notice that end times are nigh, she gleefully quits her job and cancels her Netflix subscription and takes her place among the legions of hell.This, it turns out, was a bad plan.

The Dragon and Her Wolves by hapakitsune | Game of Thrones | Sansa/Dany/Jon | 60k |  When the truth of Jon's birthright is revealed, control of the North and Daenerys's claim to the Iron Throne are both called into question. To preserve their tenuous alliance and secure her rule, Daenerys puts aside her personal feelings to arrange a marriage of political convenience between Jon and Sansa Stark.

Bonded by softestpunk | The Witcher | Emiel/Geralt | 13k | Regis is punished for Dettlaff's assumed death, Geralt comes to the rescue, and the two of them gain something neither of them would ever have dared hope for.

Something We Were Withholding Made Us Weak by triedunture | Good Omens | Aziraphale/Crowley | 17k | "Yes, exactly. Retire." Aziraphale reaches for the last remaining tartlet brimming with summer berries. "Somewhere along the south coast, perhaps."

something happens and i'm by brawlite | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 10k | Billy loves his job as at the Hawkins Community Pool. It's even better now that Steve Harrington's a lifeguard, too.

break up with your girlfriend ('cause i'm bored) by thecopperkid | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 15k |  @umissedconnections: Bambi eyes. m4m. i was rippin cigs in the sae p-lot. u made urself puke 2 make room 4 more beer. incredible? ur my hero PLS say ur into guys

I’m Gonna Keep You in Love with Me (for a While) by beethechange | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 22k | “Okay,” Shane says finally. “Okay. Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re just going to—we’re going to be married. The only way out is through.”“Um,” Ryan says, because this plan strikes him as counterproductive to their shared goal of not being married.

YELLOW SQUARE by dejavu (suggcest) | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 16k |  “Since being the scene of those two, grisly double homicides in the early 1950’s, the Bringle House Bed and Breakfast has sat empty, waiting for the next couple stupid enough to try to stay all four nights.”

darling it's a faded notion by varnes | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 28k |  Ryan and Shane get cursed by a ghost, and now they can't be not-touching. It's ... not great.

Things That Go Bump in the Night (and 7 till 12 at weekends) by HoopyFrood | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 4k | Shane works at a Haunted House. Ryan is Ryan. Things go about as well as you'd imagine.

Everything's Weird and We're Always in Danger by beethechange | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 15k | “It won’t go away,” Ryan says miserably. “I’ve been like this since we got here, basically, and it won’t fucking—”

Muscles Better and Nerves More by beethechange | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Shane/Ryan | 26k | “I’m serious,” Ryan says. “Don’t go fucking up my body. I want that shit back in the same condition I left it.” 

DELIGHTFUL FANVIDS

January 

(Marvel) Avengers | True North 

A Sad Man With A Box

►Dance to 2018

Collab Parts (2016-2018)

just a machine? [Detroit: Become Human] *HBD Pteryx*

【Detroit｜Become Human】Way Down We Go

She-Ra AMV | I'm Just Your Problem (Catradora)

multifandom || 2018 (the way I remember it)

Detroit: Become Human || Paralyzed

in the end | connor & hank | detroit: become human

BELIEVER - Connor ( Detroit:Become Human ) GMV

who are you? | Connor | Detroit: Become Human

Detroit Become Human - Connor ~ Blood in the Water

Connor - I'm So Sorry by Imagine Dragons [Detroit: Become Human] GMV

» whatever it takes (connor; detroit become human gmv)

Detroit: Become Human / Connor and Hank / Uptown Funk

Would You Kill?| Connor RK800 [Detroit: Become Human]

Rude Boy | Connor | Detroit: Become Human

hold on | connor & hank | detroit: become human

Interstellar | STAY

sabrina spellman *:･ﾟ✧ [look what u made me do]

Stranger Things || Blood in the Water

February

(GoT) Margaery Tyrell || The Queen

Kingdom Hearts 3 EPIC AMV/GMV - Part of the Journey is the End

My Hero Academia AMV - The Greatest Show

Endgame | The Man Who Killed The Avengers

MARVEL || Not Today

March

Marvel/DC || FRICTION

Luke & Nell || There's no without

MARVEL || Blood On ME

What is a STORY?

TUA | Swallow Us

(SW) Obi-Wan Kenobi | Whispers of the Past

Quentin & Eliot || Beautiful nothing

queliot; peaches + plums

Way Down We Go | Red Dead Redemption 2

Marvel || Together

steve x bucky || answer

part to act on [Harry Potter]

April

marvel || supercharged

(Marvel) Avengers || The Big Three -- Iron Man/Thor /Captain America

Guardians of the Galaxy

CAOS || Welcome To The Jungle

Marvel || Rise or Fall

Avengers | Sacrifice [4K]

(Marvel) Tony Stark | I love you 3000

May

(Marvel) Captain America || I Stand Alone

(GoT) Daenerys Targaryen | See What I've Become

Ser Jaime Lannister

Arya & Sandor // Thank You [+8x05]

Kingdom hearts 3 |Dearly Beloved| AMV |

June

(GoT) Cersei Lannister || The Queen Of The Seven Kingdoms

(GoT) The Dragons || They're My Children

(GoT) Melisandre || A Champion Of Light And Life

Bioshock & Infinite - Never The End (Epic and Beautiful Fanmade Video)

Bioshock Infinite : Constants and Variables : Music video/Tribute

Crowley & Aziraphale ][ Don’t Stop Me Now || Good Omens

Crowley ][ Rebel Just For Kicks || Good Omens

i'm the bad guy | villanelle.

mission accomplished • connor RK800

The Haunting of Hill House || Empty hands

Mad World ✘ The Umbrella Academy

July

(GoT) Daenerys Targaryen || The Last Dragon

Steve Harrington [Burn The House Down]

max&eleven | my blood.

Billy Hargrove [Bury a Friend]

Max Mayfield [Rebel Just For Kicks]

billy hargrove | gasoline.

Stranger Things | Heroes

✥ STEVE HARRINGTON ✧･ﾟ: * HANDCLAP {+S3}

billy hargrove | lovely.

stranger things 3 | blood in the water.

Steve Harrington; I Need A Hero

Kilgrave ][ Bad Guy

billy&steve [harringrove] || a little death (+s3)

Avengers | Sacrifice [4K]

Stranger Things || Shelter

Kilgrave ][ Rule The World || Jessica Jones

Ben & Rey | What do you see?

Billy Hargrove - RIP to my YOUTH

a thing about life.

(SW) Obi-Wan Kenobi | Whispers of the Past

The Avengers | Unreachable Star

Steve Harrington || Another One Bites the Dust

DELIGHTFUL MUSIC

January

Dark Night - Kara | Philip Sheppard

Carousel - Kara | Phillip Sheppard

They All Look the Same - Connor | Nima Fakhrara

Curse of the I-5 Corridor | Neko Case

Way Down We Go | Kaleo

Gasoline | Halsey

Sleep All Summer | Neko Case

Hold On, Hold On | Neko Case

Dreaming at Daybreak | Ann Licater

Can’t Leave | Whiskey Charmers

Voodoo Mon Amour | Diablo Swing Orchestra

Undo - Transviolet

Xuanzang - Gareth Coker

Almost - Hozier

Movement - Hozier

Dancing in a Room - EZI

Snow Dancer - Antti Martikainen

Burned Out - Dodie

Epic (pt 2) - Anais Mitchell

Mercury - Honey and the Sting

February

Spanish Sahara - Foals

Obstacles - Syd Matters

If You Still Believe - SIE Sound Team

The Expanse - Through Juniper Vale

The Woods - San Fermin

Sophie - The Altogether

Tom Thumb - Bitter Ruin

Wolves of the Revolution - The Arcadian Wild

Mitchell: Epic III - Cast of Hadestown

Hamilton soundtrack

The Spine - Transistor soundtrack

Don’t Think Twice - Utada Hikaru

Face My Fears - Utada Hikaru

Take On Me - Hidden Citizens

Moonlight Sonata - Hidden Citizens

Waves - chloe moriondo

Alligator Teeth - Mother Falcon

We All Become - Darren Korb

Ashes - Bear McCreary

Journey and Transistor soundtracks

March

The Sailor Song - Autoheart

It’s Quiet Uptown - Kelly Clarkson

Fernando - Cher

Dinner & Diatribes - Hozier

The Fly By Night - Taktsugu Muramatsu

Wake Up, Moving On - Kevin Penkin

April

Austin Wintory Radio

Resurrections - Lena Raine

Fight For You - Hidden Citizens

Mine - BazziIn the Flame - Darren Korb

Paper Boats - Darren Korb

May

Thedas Love Them - Trevor Morris

The Dawn Will Come - Trevor Morris

King - Blue October

Lemonworld - Ocean Alley

Still Feel - Half Alive

Carry On - Kygo

Longshot - Catfish and the Bottlemen

Call Off Your Ghost - Dessa

Sucker - Jonas Brother

Power Over Me - Dermot Kennedy

A Hole In the Earth - Daughter

Lunatic Fringe - red Rider

June

Ummah Oum - Kaya Project

The Fortress - Kaya Project

Good Omens Opening Title - David Arnold

A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square - Tori Amos

A Future for the Krogan - Christopher Lennertz

Ганджу - brain tumor

last piece | Lykke Li

Bite - Charlie Cunningham

Wait For Me - Hadestown

Nightmare - Halsey

Kaya Project albums!!!

Birds - Imagine Dragons

Crazy - Patsy Cline

Can’t Help Falling in Love - Elvis Presley

in waves playlist

July

in waves playlist

Rime soundtrack

2017 soundtrack

bury a friend - billie eilish

bored - billie eilish

the seed - aurora

how do you - elderbrook

quicksand - x ambassadors

what’s up danger - blackway 

bad guy - billie eilish

sunflower - post malone

scared of the dark - lil wayne

elevate - dj khalil

be still, my tongue - snorri hallgrimsson

dark matter - les friction

must’ve been - chromeo

magnets - disclosure, lorde

secrets - the weeknd

feels like summer - childish gambino

the hunter’s mark - erutan

johanna in space - stephaen sondheim

POSTED FIC

January

N/A

February

children of dust and ash | Bartimaeus |  Bartimaeus/Kitty(/Nathaniel) | 1,801 words |  Kitty summons Bartimaeus on a chilly fall day in her thirty-eighth year. 

March

sweet music playing in the dark | DBH | 1,102 words | “I noticed some time ago that you seem to have an appreciation for jazz.” Connor pauses, his fingers hesitating over an old Billie Holiday album. “I’d wondered if that meant you enjoyed dancing as well.”

April

N/A

May

Radio Ga Ga | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 1,143 words | There’s always another party in Hawkins, Indiana. It would be almost boring if it weren’t for Steve Harrington.

June

Sunlight | Marvel | Loki/Thor | 765 words | They aren’t quite out of the solar system when Loki appears at the arm of Thor’s chair, hair shorn short and a furious snarl on his face. 

July

like the bough of a willow tree | Detroit Become Human | Hank/Connor | 1,214 words | There’s a human lost in his woods.

knocking on heaven's door | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 1,748 words | “Just, get in the fucking car. I’ll drive you home.” Billy looked at him, very seriously, and said, “What if I don’t want to go home?”

WIPS | UNPUBLISHED | ORIGINAL

January

like the bough of a willow tree | DBH | Hank/Connor | 1,286 words | There’s a human lost in his woods. Fae!Connor   

hankcon valentine’s exchange fic | DBH | Hank/Connor | 985 words | slow dancing and kisses in the dark basically

February

N/A

March

N/A

April

Sunlight | Avengers | Loki/Thor | 746 words |  They aren’t quite out of the solar system when Loki appears at the arm of Thor’s chair, hair shorn short and a furious snarl on his face.

May

N/A

June

Untitled Original | Ghost + rain | 817 words

July

Reverse BB | 5.6k

FANMIXES/GRAPHICS

January

N/A

February

N/A

March

June

in waves playlist

[madeleineseperd]

Back to Bangalore

Colours - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

8 months after returning to my home in Paris, I came back to India.  I lived in Bangalore and took pictures of its inhabitants : tailors, rickshaw drivers, food truck merchants, flower and coconut juice sellers, housekeeper, ... I decided to search for the indians I had photographed. 

Taking pictures enabled me to create a link with locals, know more about the culture and appreciate their kindness, honesty and generosity. It gave a meaning to my stay in India. Giving them back their own picture was important to me and was a way to thank them.

8 months later, I was back in Bangalore, walking around Ulsoor lake wearing my kurta just as if I’d never left the country.

And.. there he was..  The coconut juice seller !! just next to the Ashram, in front of the rickshaw drivers, standing at the same place.

Coconut juice seller - Ulsoor lake, Bangalore, India March 2017 Nikon F-301

Coconut juice seller - Ulsoor lake, Bangalore, India January 2018 Smartphone camera

When I gave him the picture, he smiled. He was amused to see his face printed on a picture and showed it to the people around him, laughing. As little can my efforts are, I could feel he was grateful. This picture which was mine, is now his, and this can’t make me happier. Being able to give back in return what people offered me.

Underneath, is the last picture I took with my camera before going back to France in April 2017. He is the watchman of one of the apartment residency next to my flat. Each residency has one, two, three or even more watchmen whose role is to keep the building safe and run properly : open the gate when a car comes, wash the cars, water the plants, do mechanics, note down on a register book the contact details of any unknown person who wants to come inside, etc. Those tasks don’t sound very fun but it is always nice to come back home feeling welcomed. At night, when I was going back home late, they were sleeping in their chair so I tried not to wake them up. I like seeing them standing with pride in their uniforms.

Watchman - Ulsoor lake, Bangalore, India April 2017 Nikon F-301

Watchman - Ulsoor lake, Bangalore, India January 2018 Smartphone camera

There was a district where I went several times to spend afternoons with families, drink chai and eat chicken biryani with them. They had noted down their adresses so that I’d be able to send them their pictures by post. I was afraid that my photographs would get lost and never get in their hands so I didn’t send any. I was feeling guilty not to send them the pictures.

Last time I had seen them was 8 months ago. While I was walking and trying to remember the way to go to their house, I was worried about their reaction.

Cat - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

First person I saw was Reena. “We were talking about you yesterday wondering what you had done with the pictures.” Reena is 18 now. She’s the one I was meeting most of the time after her classes with her aunts, grand mother and neighbours. She speaks english like any schooled kid so it was easier to communicate with her than with the +40 year old generation who didn’t have the chance to learn english at her age. I was happy to see how curious she still is as she kept asking me questions about my trip to India, my family and friends and when I was planning to come back again to Bangalore.

Meeting Reena - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India January 2018 Smartphone camera

The pictures bellow present her family and neighbours.

Mothers - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

Auntie and baby - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

This young lady is Reena’s aunt. She carries her niece in her arms. She can’t have children and I doubt that she’d get married one day. It is not insignificant that she is standing on her knees. She can’t walk on her feet, half of her legs are paralyzed. The only way for her to move is to crawl on her knees.

I was lucky to see again Reena’s grand mother, Ambica. I was surprised that she could recognize me as she can barely see. She used to take my hand and take me to her “house” which is actually a room, to drink chai with her family.

Ambica - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India March 2017 Nikon F-301

Ambica - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India January 2018

And I will say it again and again : no matter how wealthy they are, indian women are all very elegant. To me, there is no such beauty than indian women. Colourful saris combined with golden jewels always perfectly fit to anyone.

Neighbours - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

A few blocks behind, another welcoming group of neighbours. 

First time I met them, kids and aunties were happy to play the game of posing in front of my camera. The pink-blue-white sari lady was showing to the girl how she should pose - like a “real” model. 

Lesson “How to strike a pose” - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

The children were all very excited by this improvised photoshoot and suggested to the two little ones in the middle how they should stand.

Fun posing - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

On that one, you can see on the left, the shadows of the kids waiting for their turn to be photographed.

I found my route to their street. The kids were all surrounding me, grabbing the pictures and laughing. I wish I could have photographed once again the five beautiful aunties sited at the doorsteps but not all of them were there and some didn’t want me to take pictures again.

Aunties - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

It is frustrating not being able to photograph what I have in mind and feel like a super National Geographic photographer, but I guess what’s most important is what I feel inside. I may not be able to share it but this precious moment is now printed in my mind, and that’s the only thing that really counts. Yes, i’m a bit sensitive.. loul

Discovering pictures - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India January 2018 NIKON F-301

The lady drinking chai is the one wearing the pink-blue-white sari on the previous pictures. She looked at the photo and laughed saying she hadn’t arranged her hair that day.

I continued my walk and recognized the yellow house on my picture. The old lady was sitting in her chair like the first time we met. She was chatting with her neighbours or friends. “Namaskara”, I showed her the pictures. She was so surprised and happy that she took my hands and blessed me.

Good doggo - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

Auntie waiting on a chair - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

Auntie showing her portrait - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India January 2018 NIKON F-301

Even if the picture is all blurred, I like the fact that she has the same posture, right arm on the armrest, wearing her golden bracelets and nose ring. You can see that her son (on the first picture) made some painting work and replaced the pink by the blue colour. 

I couldn’t find all my “models” like this boy as he and his dad moved to another market to sell chickens. The man who explained this to me was able to meet him again and give him the picture. 

Selling chicken - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

Same for the mechanic. His shop was closed so I just gave the picture to the tailor next to him.

Mechanic - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

My investigation was not quite finished. I still had to found another boy. He had asked me to take a picture of him after he had seen me taking the portrait of the mechanic. 

“BIG BEAR” boy - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

I like how he, shyly, strikes the pose.  In the street where I photographed him, I asked a girl if she knew him.

“Yes, come ! come !” I followed her. She led me to the playing field where boys were playing football. She shouted the boy’s name and look at the picture with a big smile on his face. All of his friends ran and circled him to see what was going on. Then, they all jumped at the top of the grid shouting “picture ! picture !” to have a picture of them too. 

You can see my little boy wearing the exact same blue and red sleeved t-shirt, his photo in his right hand, fourth position from the right.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t give the picture of two men. One of them was a “security guard” of a small shop selling fabrics near commercial street where I used to go every week. 

I remember the minute before I took the picture, he straighten his back, put his glasses on, standing with pride. I recognized the shop, showed the photo and asked to the merchant where he was. “He is no more”. He told me he couldn’t give the picture to anyone as his family was living in Mysore.

SKR FOOT WEAR, N°9 N.R BUILDING, SADASHIVA MUDALIAR ROAD, 560008 BANGALORE March 2017 NIKFON F-301

The other man who I couldn’t find was working in this foot wear shop, repairing damaged shoes. “Heart problem. Now hospital.”, his manager says.

Cobbler at SKR Foot wear, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

Laundry - Shivajinagar, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

Two shy kids - Shivajinagar, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

I found again the small pink painted house. I knock at the door. An old man comes, looks at me with a strange look on his face and says something in kannanda I can’t understand. I show him the picture. His face suddenly fills with emotion : “My grandson!” He turns his face towards the room and shouts names. Three small little men come, hiding themselves behind their grandpa’. The man is very proud to stand with his grandsons for a new picture that I will give them next time.

Grandpa - Shivajinagar, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

Rickshaw - Ulsoor, Bangalore, India March 2017 NIKON F-301

Even though it took me several months to finally end my article, it’s a good exercice to go back in time and search again deep in your mind and soul your emotions felt at that time. It’s so easy to forget things. See you again in December India !

Love from Sai Mamad

[tuckerfuckingdidit]

personal rambling and fic whining under the cut.

i reblogged this post from anne a week ago on my personal, because i read it and it validated the shit out of my angry, fragile heart, cackling. a lot of the time i will utterly balk at angst, especially when my life is upside down, because if i care about a character—like really care about them, like i do wash—i 👏  don’t 👏  fucking 👏   want 👏  more 👏  shit 👏  heaped 👏  on 👏  you 👏

especially if it’s not done out of love. “misery porn” pisses me off so much, and that’s the place i felt the writers were coming from—like come on, you know the shit these guys have gotten away with. of course they would take Break The Cutie and push it into overdrive. 

so, i had for years been really attached to the idea of wash actually having an okay childhood, and didn’t even realize it until the writers unveiled Extra Pain™ like, “surprise! you totally didn’t fucking see this coming, but it’s true now, deal with it!” 

WHAT.

so i didn’t want to include it in my work. if i do that it makes it real, and i 👏  don’t 👏  want—okay yeah, i said that already. 

but i have a high level of attachment to the Integrity of the characterization involved in my planning, so following becky’s post watering my crops and feeding my children i thought about it, and realized that with what i’ve already considered for wash’s backstory in hcf, he can still have the family structure i’m so intrigued by, as well as the book elements, and i’m.....

.....terrified? the (admittedly absurd) question comes to mind that if i commit to this, if i wrap all the pain associated with these events into the place i go to work on this story, where is the line? is it possible to fold enough layers into this character that he becomes so painful i don’t even want to write him anymore? (at least, this version of him.) 

the answer, btw, is yes: that is partially why i made it back to fandom, tbh. i spent about 9 or so months writing and planning for a character in an rpg i cared about a lot, and in the end, due to the plots i had with other players, the unceasing angst every time i needed to work with him left such a bad taste in my mouth that i left him alone. 

i’m a wimp, i know. 

i don’t want that with wash, yet it also seems pretty ridiculous to be actually considering what now feels like watering something down just so i can carry it to completion. buuuuut there’s a really fine line for me between Feels™ and “haha, this could potentially send me spiraling into despair, thisisfine.jpg.” it’s why it’s taken me so long to start on the second half of PMGITG. 

tl;dr - i’m sensitive :c

[marcazoshop]

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Meet bonner bolton after breaking his c 2 vertebra in a Vikings No One Loves A Warrior Until The Enemy Is At The Gate T-Shirt riding accident this world champion professional bull rider revealed his true fighting spirit overcoming paralysis against all odds ican. Breastfeeding can be a wonderful and sometimes challenging experience going into it feeling prepared can help make the whole process a whole lot easier for you and your baby especially when you re first getting the hang of it here are 15 things nursing mamas need 1 patience go easy on yourself it won t always be perfect but what you re doing is amazing and so worth it 2 prenatal vitamins continuing to take your honest prenatal vitamins while breastfeeding can help to make sure you’re getting nutrients that you may be lacking from diet alone 3 nursing pillow using a nursing pillow will help you properly position your baby and take some physical stress off your body when feeding 4 nursing bra a nursing bra provides comfort support and convenience 5 netflix a newborn will usually nurse for 20 45 minutes or longer per feeding so it s the perfect time to catch up on some of your favorite shows 6 nursing pads prevent leaking through your tops by having nursing pads handy to absorb any milk leaks and unintentional let down 7 water staying hydrated while breastfeeding is crucial so it s smart to up your daily water intake try a keeping reusable water bottle where you nurse to help you remember to drink it 8 support the first few months of breastfeeding can be physically mentally and emotionally challenging lean on your partner mama friends and loved ones for support 9 lactation supplement honest postnatal lactation plus can help support healthy lactation and breast milk production 10 nursing friendly clothes comfy clothing will allow for easier access especially when feeding on the go 11 nipple balm soothe and nourish nursing nipples with honest organic nipple balm this product is designed for breastfeeding so there s no need to wipe off before nursing 12 breast pain relief using hot or cold packs can help relieve some of the soreness associated with breastfeeding you don t need a fancy product a simple warm wash cloth or ice pack will do the trick 13 nursing scarf if you ll be nursing in public some moms like to have a nursing scarf for for more discreet feedings 14 an app breastfeeding there s an app for that some of our favorites help you track feedings locate public places to nurse or even put you in instant contact with an expert check out latchme baby breastfeeding tracker or lactmed just to name a few and see what suits you best 15 help never be afraid to get help grab a trusted book for tips stop by a breastfeeding support center like the pump station or reach out to a lactation consultant who can help identify and solve any issues you may be having these statements have not been evaluated by the food and drug administration these products are not intended to diagnose treat cure or prevent any disease. Coming to the show in las vegas tonight add your video photos tweets to our live coverage using u2eitour not going to the show follow it all here

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[istodayajewishholiday]

September 30th, 2017 - 10th of Tishrei, 5778

Today is Yom Kippur—The Day of Atonement.

Yom Kippur is the holiest of days on the Jewish calendar. It falls at the close of the Ten Days of Repentance, and after trying to amend our behavior, and seek forgiveness from those we harmed, we now stand before G-d, hoping to be sealed into the Book of Life.

Yom Kippur is observed by a near twenty-six hour fast, where we abstain from food, drink, sex, washing, applying lotions or perfumes, and wearing leather shoes. There are five prayer services across Yom Kippur, as we repent before G-d.Yom Kippur ends with a blowing of the Shofar, a rams horn, which signals the closing of the Gates of Heaven, and the end of the fast.

Yom Kippur is a solemn holiday, and although it contains undertones of joy to be before G-d, it is generally not advised to wish a Jewish person to have a “Happy Yom Kippur.” More customary is to wish someone to have an “Easy fast” or “May you be sealed in the Book of Life.” My personal preference is to wish a “Meaningful fast.”

[laurenj966]

Being pregnant during A Global Pandemic COVID-19

About me, myself & a bit of him!

Hello everyone! My name is Lauren, I am 24 years old and I am a care assistant in a care home and my partner, Craig, 23, is a mechanic. Craig and I reside in Scunthorpe. In January 2019, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, which was managed by medication. I grew up in Ashby, Scunthorpe as an only child. Craig was born in Scunthorpe then brought up in Barnetby. Craig and I met on Plenty of Fish in what I think was 2017!? We was on and off for a while but then he eventually got stuck with me! (Poor lad!). We only got to see each other at weekends due to work commitments which was hard at first, but the will power made it work.

We went on our first holiday together to Amsterdam on a mini cruise, then went to Benidorm in October 2018, where I lost all dignity due to a stomach bug! (Bless Craig, his first time on a plane!) We then decided to ‘gate crash’ my parents 25th wedding anniversary in Marmaris, Turkey in July 2019, where Craig and I got engaged on July 2nd, their anniversary! When we got home the planning began! We have our date set for the 12th June 2021, a beautiful church, venue, five bridesmaids, oh and a best man! Haha! With us planning a wedding, we thought we should move out! We bought a lovely three-bedroom semi-detached house in Scunthorpe. With a lot of Saving, blood, swear and tears, we finally moved in on Friday 13th December 2019 (I know! What a day!) and now we have our home just as we’d imagined.

 The mental health

After previous employment issues, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression in January 2019. I was prescribed Sertraline tablets which were my rock! I had my bad days and good days. Planning the wedding and the house move was stressful, but it kept my mind occupied. I then got another job which I love, in a different care home. I was so scared of asking the doctor for help, but it was the best things I did! I was embarrassed for a while in front of people who knew I was on medication, but with support from my family and Craig, made me more confident.  

 Finding out

It was 5am on Saturday 25th April 2020 when I woke up and something told me to do a test. I had been on the ‘pill’ for years, to help control my heavy periods, but I chose to come off the pill earlier in the year as my periods were all over the place (Craig new about this!). I took one of those cheap tests and... a line appeared then a faint line! I shouted Craig and got him to look and he could see it too! We went back to bed then went to get a better test when the shops opened that morning. We bought a digital Clearblue test which said I was 1-2 weeks pregnant. We was both shocked as we had been careful, but we was both so happy! Craig said a few swear words and we both laughed and said, “oh s**t!”. I straight away went to tell mum, who did not believe me at first, but then was shocked and cried. The next person I had to tell was dad! (HELP!) Dad was more bothered about the house and the wedding, but he got over it! And I saw him smirk a little on the video call! Craig told his mum, dad, and sister, who were all over the moon. I then visited both sets of my grandparents to tell them and they were happy too!

I was due in work the following Monday and took advice from a nurse who said I was at risk been there with being early weeks due to the Coronavirus. I was then sent home by the area manager and was put on ‘Furlough’. I had my first appointment with the midwife on May 15th, unfortunately Craig was not allowed to come in with me due to the pandemic. This is when I realised that this pregnancy was going to be hard for both of us, especially Craig. I found out at the appointment that I was seven weeks pregnant, which meant the ClearBlue test was two weeks out!

1st Trimester  Week 1-12

Some of the symptoms started to show by week five! I became very bloated and my clothes were getting tight already! It was quite frightening, we were in lockdown, Craig’s garage was forced to be closed, I was ‘furloughed’ and no one was able to see each other. Not seeing mum everyday was hard. Craig did all the shopping while he was off work to protect me and the hand washing, and sanitising door handles game was very strong. As now there was not just me, I had to protect from a deadly virus, I now had my baby to protect. Craig’s garage finally reopened, and he had to go back to work. The first day was hard as I was used to him been here every day and now I had to do the shopping. As lock down was eased and we was allowed to see people again, distancing was key, I needed to protect my baby.

Nearing the 12th week and with been at home all day, I began to clear the spare bedroom, (baby’s room). I was always on the internet looking at ideas to decorate the baby’s nursery. By now we already had Moses baskets, bouncer, cot, almost everything! (I’m impatient!). I had my first scan at 12 weeks, and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, because I had to do it alone as well as knowing Craig was missing out on seeing his first child in the womb. They confirmed there was only one baby in there! Phew! They said he’s looking perfect! And I got a photo to keep. It now felt real! At 18 weeks we booked an early gender scan at Hey Baby in Hull. This was when we found out the gender! The cravings were strong... crisps, fruit, and sweets, but still no sickness! Yay!

 Gender reveal!

We booked an early gender scan at Hey Baby in Hull as Craig was allowed to come into a private scan with me. Our scan was Saturday 31st July. We had arranged a gender reveal back home in the garden as the lockdown restrictions had been relaxed. The scan place was amazing, it had big screens to see the baby on, Craig could not believe it. I closed my eyes and waited for the lady to put the coloured light on. I opened my eyes and the room was... BLUE!! We was so happy I even cried! We got some brilliant scan photos of baby and we bought a confetti cannon! We got home and set the garden up. There was my parents, Craig’s parents and one set of my grandparents and we also video called my auntie and cousin. We nervously burst the cannon, and everyone was so happy for us. We then went to the Queensway for a meal.

 Mental health & pregnancy

When I found out I was pregnant, I immediately stopped taking my Sertraline tablets. Luckily, I had no side effects. My GP told me to stop taking them however my midwife said to take them if needed. This meant that I would need extra scans as they can have an effect on the baby and I felt this would be selfish of me, if I continued to take the tablets, so I stopped and chucked them in the bin. Some days were definitely harder than others and still are but then I realised I came off the tablets for a good reason, for my boy! Only my closest family and of course Craig have supported me through this. My manager has been brilliant, she has phoned me almost every fortnight to see how I am.

I take comments to heart, always have done, always will due to the depression. So comments such as ‘you’re getting fat” “There must be more than one in there” “Do this” “Don’t do that” and pressures of breastfeeding instead of bottle feeding, all have an impact on my mental health that some people can’t see. Also, due to spending nearly all my school life been bullied, I am more scared of my child being bullied at school and not having friends like me. I want to give my boy everything he wants and needs in life just like I was given. I do spend too much time worrying about what I need to do in the future or what might happen in the future. But what I do know is that I will do my damn best to be the best role model I can be to my boy!

2nd Trimester Week 13-28

By week 20, the nursery is almost complete! We decided to go neutral and animal themed. I love it! We are lucky that we have a lot of built in storage in that bedroom. We built the cot, the changing unit and bought a lovely gliding nursing chair in beige. It is perfect! We also have our pram! It is like pushing a bus! We went for the Venicci Prestige Edition in Shadow Denim Grey and we got the 10-piece bundle. Two days before my birthday in August, I had my 20-week scan at the hospital. I was able to take someone along to this scan with me for some unknown reason! So, I chose to take mum as Craig was working. Mum could not believe it and said it was amazing! It was quite a long scan as they checked he had everything he should! He has two arms and two legs! His brain, spine and organs are growing as they should be, and she said he looks perfect and I got another picture! At 24 weeks I had a test for Gestational Diabetes, due to having a high BMI (Everything seems to be blamed on a person’s weight!). It was the longest appointment I’d had yet, and it was awful! I was told that if I got a call within a couple of days it would mean I have Gestational Diabetes... after a week and no phone call it turns out I DON’T have it! Yay! Baby had started to get very wriggly in there during these weeks. I had been to the hospital a few times as I had not felt him move which was really scary and I got told that because he is only tiny, I won’t feel him much. However, as the weeks went on, I started feeling a pattern in his movements... (my mealtimes!) but then one day did not feel him for about 12 hours. I was so scared; I called the hospital and was sent to the maternity ward and yet again I had to do this alone. (Even though at this point of the pandemic you could meet people in a pub but was not allowed one single person to come to the hospital with you at such a scary time!!!!). After waiting anxiously and seeing the midwife looking nervous, he was absolutely fine and was just hiding! Monkey! By week 27 I have baby’s bag packed, car seat and blanket ready! Just my own bag to pack! It has gone so fast and we are so excited! The cravings have stopped, I still have not had any sickness! But my hormones and emotions have been like a rollercoaster. I have felt like I needed the tablets, but I haven’t given in! I can do this!!

 The COVID baby shower

I had arranged a baby shower for November. I bought all the accessories I'd need to throw a baby shower for me and my boy. I had sent out invitations to close family and friends and planned what food I was going to make and what games we'd play. But then... Big bad Boris made yet another announcement, one that thousands and especially I did not want to hear... the rule of 6. Gatherings of six people maximum and he said this could be in place for the next 6 months. I gave it a few weeks and though about possibilities of having two separate parties of six, but then thought the second just would not be as good. So, I decided to cancel it. I am absolutely gutted. This pandemic really is breaking so many hearts and ruining peoples' plans.

3rd Trimester – week 29 – 32

At 29 weeks I was having a lot of stabbing pains in my lower abdomen I was sent to ward 26 and was monitored for over an hour. Baby’s heartbeat and movements were fine, then I was examined, and they said it was not labour. I also started my maternity leave at week 29.

I had a routine scan at 29 weeks and 2 days. I saw the doctor afterwards who said that baby was growing a little smaller than expected, but the midwife said he’s growing normally, and he weighs three pound. At this appointment I was also told that I had to commence Tinzaparin injections twice a day because of my varicose veins and to prevent blood clots. I was also told that there had been a prescription at the hospital for Aspirin since June! Which no one told me about! It came as a shock that I had to inject into my stomach twice a day as I am not a great fan of needles. I was sent home with sixty injections and a sharps bin. Some days are harder than others at doing the injections and they are leaving my stomach in a right mess!

The following day I had a routine appointment at the midwifes, she measured baby and said he’s fine and we listened to his heartbeat and she said that it’s perfect! I informed her about the injections, and she said I should be taking the Aspirin a long side the injections, so I had yet another trip to the hospital to get the tablets. I then requested to speak to the practice manager of my doctors surgery, to query why I haven’t been put on any form of blood thinners since going to the doctors since 2015 about my veins and being told repeatedly there’s nothing they can do (or should I now say will do!). Since being put on the injections and the tablets, I have felt fed up and I’ve been more annoyed at the fact of why was the possibility of having to be put on this medication not mentioned to me at the start of my pregnancy, it’s disgusting.

Another day, another letter through the door… I had an appointment with the Anaesthetist to talk about pain relief in labour. Disgusted and upset could not even describe how I felt after that phone call appointment. So yet again… “due to your BMI” I suggest you go straight for Epidural. No, I’d like to try without anything thankyou. I won’t lie, throughout this pregnancy, I have never felt so discriminated against by health professionals who I thought was are there to support you. But no, everything is put down to a person’s weight. If they’d bother to even, ask “why do you have a large BMI” they’d probably understand!

My midwife appointments are getting more regular now. At 32 weeks I had another appointment they said he’s measuring fine and his heartbeat is good. They are referring me to the consultant earlier than my next scan due to the severity of the bruising and pain caused by the injections.

 3rd Trimester – week 33 – 36

I got to see the consultant earlier than I should have regarding the bruising… typical! They’ve faded. So, I showed her the pictures I had taken but she wasn’t interested, just said to continue with the injections. Part of me felt selfish as they’re keeping both me and baby safe but the other part of me is finding it really hard physically and mentally. Twice a day having to count down to inject myself, suffering with the bruising and now lumps are appearing from where I’ve gone into something under the skin. But needs must n all that!!

Week 33 I had another scan, baby is now five pounds and is growing as well as expected. The lump I have sticking up on my stomach is his little bum! Every time his bum moves makes me laugh and love him even more!

At week 34 I had loads of appointments this week! I had my routine midwife appointment…. Now this was amusing! Little man decided to fight the doppler and send his heart rate up to 200!! The midwife said if it doesn’t decrease, I will have to go to the hospital to be monitored and put onto a drip. After filling in my notes she checked his heartbeat again and it had gone back to normal! What a monkey. The next day I had the health visitor visiting me, I heard they can be not very nice, but the lady appeared to be nice! I didn’t agree with some of the things she said and most of it is common sense and she gave me a little red book for baby. Last appointment of the week… I had a phone call appointment with the midwife about my birthing plan. I’m having him at Scunthorpe General (if he doesn’t pop out at home or in the middle Aldi! Haha!) I’m hoping to give birth in the birthing pool, firstly with no pain relief and if need be gas and air and then Craig is going to cut the cord. Typical me asked about self-discharge… I don’t like hospitals and I don’t want baby in that place for any longer than he needs to be especially at the minute.

By week 35, the hospital bags are fully packed! My monthly deep clean of the house has been done with thanks to mum for helping! And the Christmas tree is now up! So, now the moses baskets are in place upstairs and downstairs, baby’s bottles and everything else is organised. So now it’s just a matter of waiting!

[adposto1]

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[thedawnbreaks]

The philosophy of the stove-top tea pot.

September, 2017

I sit in the psychiatrist’s office, waving my hands around trying to draw on air how it is like in my mind; how I feel. “I’m floating, almost touching the moment but never actually am, Dr.” – I was aiming to move the scene into her perception of how I always watch people in the moment and I am just right there rising above it by quite a few centimeters and no matter how I try to reinforce my-self into it, I always fail. After a few trials, she got somewhere near the scene and made me leave her office with a prescription of Prozac 20 mg. She told me antidepressants were there to help make our trials hit the right buttons, and I believed her, but something was missing from the picture. I quite suffered from symptoms of depression and general anxiety; I perceived things on a much more absurd dimension than what a normal human being would do, but the entire prologue of the book of my suffering was ripped off. She missed something which I didn’t. The bigger part of the picture was existential distress (as Dr. Viktor E. Frankl calls it in his book Man’s Search for Meaning) rather than a mental disease– most significantly, meaning was absent. My hands were knitting threads of agony instead of identity.

I did not know how to either live or be still—I did not know how to be!

The feeling I was aiming to explain earlier to my psychiatrist was that of isolation. I never felt like I could be drawn or, let alone, be attached to life; something, and something mighty, stood in my way each time I tried to lean in. The pace was too quick to pin down and savor; I always felt like everyone was running and racing through their ways around me, as if there are not enough years to live, let alone fully live. They almost seemed mad in my consciousness, I, on the other hand, was not able to drag my feet to even walk in a similar pace. It was quite simple, I never found the reason to. I never had the joy of being.

Being.

I quit the purposeless search for meaning, and thought I should just breathe.

There were no magnificent epiphanies; meaning came through with time, patience, and resilience. I desisted, closed the gates and kept any further cognition outcast. I took the time to reflect and feel what is right up front of and around me, so that I could sense gratitude filling my senses.

Life, by it-self, is hideously fast, and what I figured I ought to do is take – longer time – to – do – simple – things; bring back the spirit of craft into my daily life – building a system of serenity and fullness. Modern time implies that the longer the to-do list is, the more accomplished and complete we will be; but truth is it is about doing whichever one desires to, but with precision and pleasure.

And so I had created a new philosophy to flow with for the next while of my life…

January, 2019

I wake up, head to the kitchen to make my-self a warm drink. I turn on the aluminum-made electric kettle and as I watch my reflection in it I decide on turning it off, and bend down to grab the old red stove-top tea pot. I give it a good wash, fill it with water, milk, black tea and an eastern wind kisses my cheek as I’m standing—so I add cardamom and cloves before I put it on the stove. Ten minutes pass by before it starts to boil, and I pour it into my white and blue clay mug.

Indulgence

Had I spent every morning of my life making milk-tea using the electric kettle, not in once it would be as whole and aromatic as the older way. It takes more patience, attention and appreciation; a process was there for its warmth to reach my palms. And just like that, my morning milk-tea transformed from a speedily gulped-down drink to a blissful ritual of getting in touch with the moment – a state of being.

[xtruss]

Bill Gates has been warning of a global health threat for years. Here are 11 people who seemingly predicted the coronavirus pandemic.

Bill Gates, disease experts, government officials, books, and movies have all alluded to something like the coronavirus sweeping the globe.

— Hillary Hoffower | Business Insider | March 21, 2020

Bill Gates has previously said the world needs to prepare for a pandemic the way it prepares for war.

Bill Gates, flu and disease experts, and government officials have been warning of a pandemic for years.

There's also speculation that pop culture, such as books and movies, predicted the novel coronavirus.

While some of these predictions are conspiracy theories, others are more serious and adamant that the world isn't properly prepared for a pandemic.

History has proven that worldwide diseases are inevitable.

There was the 1918 influenza pandemic, which killed at least 50 million people, or one-third of the world's population at the time. The 20th century also saw outbreaks of Ebola and Nipah virus. And in the 2000s, SARS and MERS hit nearly 30 countries each.

Now, COVID-19, the disease that can result from the coronavirus pandemic, is spreading across the globe. While it has a lower fatality rate than the last four aforementioned diseases above, it has spread to many more countries and has infected thousands more people.

But some people have seen such a pandemic coming. Bill Gates has been warning of a pandemic for years, as have notable disease and flu experts. Former White House officials have also previously warned of an upcoming pandemic threat.

Pop culture, too, has seemingly predicted the novel coronavirus. Online conspiracies are circulating over books and movies that have alluded to a worldwide pandemic.

Some of these predictions are pure speculation. But the ones by experts are more accurate and all say the same thing: That the world isn't prepared for it.

1- Bill Gates has been warning of a pandemic for years.

In a 2015 TED talk, Gates said the world was "not ready for the next epidemic."

And in a 2018 discussion about epidemics hosted by the Massachusetts Medical Society and the New England Journal of Medicine, Gates said a pandemic could happen within the next decade.

He presented a simulation by the Institute for Disease Modeling which found that a new flu like the one that killed 50 million people in the 1918 pandemic would now most likely kill 30 million people within six months.

The likelihood that such a disease will appear continues to rise in our interconnected world, he said, whether it happens naturally or is created as a weaponized disease.

"In the case of biological threats, that sense of urgency is lacking," he said. "The world needs to prepare for pandemics in the same serious way it prepares for war."

Infectious disease expert Michael Osterholm has also been warning of a global pandemic for the past decade.

According to CNN, Osterholm wrote in Foreign Affairs magazine in 2005 that, "This is a critical point in our history. Time is running out to prepare for the next pandemic. We must act now with decisiveness and purpose."

He also said that the US isn't properly prepared for a pandemic in his 2017 book, "Deadliest Enemy: Our War Against Killer Germs."

Virologist and flu expert Robert G. Webster predicted an upcoming flu pandemic in a book he published in December.

In "Flu Hunter: Unlocking the secrets of a virus," Webster questioned whether another deadly, disruptive pandemic is possible. "The answer is yes: it is not only possible, it is just a matter of time," he wrote.

Millions of people could die before such a pandemic is controlled or modified, he added.

"Nature will eventually again challenge mankind with an equivalent of the 1918 influenza virus," he wrote. "We need to be prepared."

The US Intelligence Team has warned about the possibility of a pandemic in recent years.

In 2018, the intelligence community's Worldwide Threat Assessment warned that a "novel strain of a virulent microbe that is easily transmissible between humans continues to be a major threat," according to CNN's Daniel Dale.

And the 2019 threat assessment from last January stated that, "We assess that the United States and the world will remain vulnerable to the next flu pandemic or large-scale outbreak of a contagious disease that could lead to massive rates of death and disability, severely affect the world economy, strain international resources, and increase calls on the United States for support."

Jeremy Konyndyk, former director of USAID's Office of US Foreign Disaster Assistance under the Obama administration, has said a virus similar to the 1918 flu pandemic will emerge.

Konyndyk wrote in a 2017 Politico article that "a major new global health crisis is a question of when, not if."

"At some point a highly fatal, highly contagious virus will emerge — like the 1918 'Spanish flu' pandemic, which infected one third of the world's population and killed between 50 and 100 million people," he wrote, adding that President Trump is unprepared for such a pandemic.

While research on the new coronavirus is still in its infancy, and the world looks nothing like it did in 1918, the stats surrounding it "have started to ring alarm bells," wrote Business Insider's Morgan McFall-Johnsen and Holly Secon.

"COVID-19 has started behaving a lot like the once-in-a-century pathogen we've been worried about," Bill Gates wrote in The New England Journal of Medicine.

Dr. Luciana Borio of the former White House National Security Council (NSC) team responsible for pandemics has previously warned of a pandemic flu threat.

According to CNN's Dale, Borio, the council's director of medical and biodefense preparedness, said in 2018: "The threat of pandemic flu is the number one health security concern. Are we ready to respond? I fear the answer is no."

John Bolton, Trump's national security adviser at the time, later disbanded the team while reorganizing the NSC.

More than a decade ago, Massachusetts public health officials projected that millions could become ill from a novel respiratory disease.

In a 2006 Flu Pandemic Preparedness Plan, these public health officials projected that as many as 2 million people could become ill, according to local outlet 10Boston.

They predicted that up to 1 million people in the state would need to be treated on an outpatient basis and that 80,000 would need hospital treatment, based on models developed by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Because the hospital system would be overwhelmed by patients infected with the disease, up to 20,000 could die, according to their projections.

They put a preparedness plan in place by having hospitals negotiate agreements to host "alternative care sites" in similarly large facilities, like high schools.

Online conspiracies have also been circulating, such as whether author Dean Koontz predicted the pandemic in a 1981 novel.

According to the Guardian, Koontz's "The Eyes of Darkness" referred to a virus called "Wuhan-400" — the city in China where the novel coronavirus originated.

But Harmeet Kaur for CNN has bunked this conspiracy theory, pointing out the differences between the real coronavirus and Wuhan-400 — in the book, the virus was made by a scientist as a biological weapon and had a 100% mortality rate. Both of those things aren't true of the real coronavirus.

Self-proclaimed psychic Sylvia Browne was also said to have predicted a global pandemic similar to the coronavirus.

In her 2008 book, "End of Days: Predictions and Prophecies About the End of the World," she wrote: "In around 2020, a severe pneumonia-like illness will spread throughout the globe, attacking the lungs and bronchial tubes and resisting all known treatments."

But scientific paranormal investigator Benjamin Radford pointed out that while COVID-19 can lead to pneumonia, it's not a "severe pneumonia-like illness."

Browne also wrote that the illness will have "suddenly vanished as quickly as it arrived," which Radford said isn't currently true.

Browne, who has since passed away, made several predictions later proven false, according to Jacob Stolworthy for The Independent.

Director Steven Soderbergh and screenwriter Scott Z Burns's film "Contagion" also seemingly predicted the coronavirus pandemic.

Released in 2011, the movie is about a fictional illness called MEV-1, which becomes a global pandemic after a bat spread it to a pig who spread it to a person who didn't wash his hands before shaking hands with another person.

The fictional virus has a 72-hour incubation period and high fatality rate, according to The Sun.

There's also speculation that Nostradamus, the famous 16th century physician, astrologer, and seer, predicted a "plague" similar to what has been seen with the coronavirus.

In 1555, Michel de Nostredame, or Nostradamus, published "Les Prophéties," a collection of nearly 1,000 prophetic and poetic quatrains (four-line rhyming verses).

One of them reads:

"From the vain enterprise honour and undue complaint,

Boats tossed about among the Latins, cold, hunger, waves,

Not far from the Tiber the land stained with blood,

And diverse plagues will be upon mankind."

The Tiber is a river in Italy said to symbolize the country and its history, according to Andrew Whalen for Newsweek.

Another quatrain reads:

'The sloping park, great calamity,

Through the Lands of the West and Lombardy

The fire in the ship, plague and captivity;

Mercury in Sagittarius, Saturn fading."

One Twitter user speculated that "plague" and "captivity" refer to the coronavirus and lockdown, according to Express. The last line, he said, refers to the beginning of January 23 and 24 in 2020. Wuhan was placed under strict quarantine on January 23. "Lands of the west and Lombardy," he added, refer to Europe, Australasia, America, and Italy (Lombardy).

But this is all pure speculation. While some people avidly believe Nostradamus has correctly predicted events in the past, others say his alleged prediction of the coronavirus is a false claim.

"The straight fact is that nobody has ever used Nostradamus' writings to predict a future event in specific terms which later came true," renowned skeptic Brian Dunning said in his podcast.