#logically I know it doesnt make sense but my brain still believes it. Funny thing honestly how brains work like that

[anglerflsh]

Religion: Delusions centered around religion can cause a person to believe they have god-like powers, or that they are God themselves. People with this type of delusion also often report that God speaks to them directly and dictates their behaviors.

Is this what you mean when you talk about being gods special boy?

I love getting free tumbrl psychotherapy (/j). Yeah sort of

[littlebabycrybtch]

honestly its still so heart dropping and disgusting to continue to see aspec ppl have to put on that like. trained, overly polite, overly passive, complete Lack Of Self Respect tone that forces a sense of ‘i know i dont matter’ just so they dont get completely automatically ground into dust when they go out on a limb and ask ppl they wanna interact with; ‘hey please dont start anything but can you just let me know if you’re an aphobe or not’ and its Still met with soo much mockery and disbelief almost every time like....... bro what even is there not to understand. you’re literally being the proof of why they have to ask abt it i cannot Fathom that kind of Blindness like lmfao bitch they just dont wanna be around some1 who hates them.... thats .. normal... thats human?? thats human behaviors. its having standards for yourself. its FEELINGS like unironically rn pls tell me you’re clowning and that you do understand how fucken LOUD you all are abt normalizing aspec hate and how often we obviously run into bitches like you and have to ask this question. you know how LONG we’ve begged for basic support so you have to know that reacting to being asked if you give a shit abt somebody with that kind of mockery is disgusting and bratty and ignorant af bc bro lmao its YOUR FAULT for being a Part of the people HATING THEM....?

holy shit lol, nobody should be good with being around people who disrespect a part of them,,,, thats like a genuine personal problem if someone willingly wants to do that, so why tf would you be expecting that. bc its us? bc its us. bc its us and you feel THAT right in thinking that we’re so worthless, they we are just so Stupid for not knowing that too. its funny to you that we dont realize how little we matter. lmao its so ugly and warped like!!! god how fuckin evil can you get just calm down idiot lmao theyre asking if you respect them and you’re basically responding ‘why would it matter to you if i didnt?’ bhsejbjehg uhhhhhhjjjjjjjjj bc thats. a regular thing 2 care about. its standards like mam do you hang out with ppl who hate you. is that some normal thing to you like. avoiding the ppl who wish you werent around is sort of just . health and safety and basic emotional response and also common sense. really is. literally How dehumanizing and detached coudl you POSSIBLY be abt this to be directly asked by a marginalized identity group if you respect them or not, and actually say No, but Also be like ‘LMAO YOU REALLY ASKED ME THAT? IT DOESNT MATTER’ like. yeah it matters bc they stay existing actually, you dont have to hate them for that, and they wouldnt have to ask yall this stuff if you behaved lmfao. not to mention your reaction is literally the evidence that it apparently matters enough to You to make sure they know you dont accept them. fully, you are whats making it ‘matter’ so much bc you are the one going apeshit over a benign existence. you’re the one losing it over nothing.

like lmfafuckingo what is WRONG with your MIND dude im.... speechless like ‘dont drag me into discourse’ YOU HATING SOME1 AND THEM HATING YOU BACK IS NOT ‘’’’’’TUMBLR DISCOURSE’’’’’..............? WHAT R U DISPLAYING RN DID U NOT SPEND ENOUGH TIME IN THE GUIDANCE COUNSELORS OFFICE GROWIN UP WITH THIS ATTITUDE......... ITS THE NATURAL ORDER OF SOCIAL CONSEQUENCE......... ITS SOME BASIC ‘YOU STARTED IT’ TEE MOTHERFUCKIGN EM LOGIC...? YOU HATE THEM! FOR AUTONOMY! FOR HAVING AN IDENTITY AND ENOUGH SELF RESPECT TO STICK BY IT! THEY HATE YOU BACK I THINK THEYRE ALLOWED TO ASODLKFL;SDF AAAA DUUUDE lmaoooo and like good lord, passively existing around ppl who hate you and not challenging them isnt ‘avoiding discourse’. thats. so unhealthy sdjkf what kind of underdeveloped politics.... its toxic and absolutely batshit to genuinely ask that of Anyone. like bro stop Actually expecting ppl to hate themselves for ur comfort thats.... so weird i.... are you okay hhh nah you just need to step up and try to be a regular ass person actually and have sympathetic reasoning skills. being ace is fiiiine its nbd i dont need to to change for you, im allowed to be this, and i get to ask if you’re ok with that so i dont end up in a gross ass environment.

ace =/= discourse. you dont get a say in everything my dude. we’re not here for you to analyze, we dont give you permission and we dont need Your permission to exist, we’re not asking that of you when we send those msgs we’re tryna figure out if ur gonna be a bitch or not basically lol just seeing if we’re gonna be accepted by you or if we’re wasting our time like alksd;al its so traumatizing and unnecessary and MINDBOGGLING that u think its not fucked up ?? to feel like we are supposed to accept your hate of us as our truth?? you believe we’re that awful that its Funny when we dont Realize it or smth thats just so....... what would even make you respect us. literally absolutely nothing besides not existing in front of you. so. thats hate. thats irrational unwavering hate. beyond the fact that any group always has the right to ask you if YOU hate THEM, you cant sit there and mock the mere idea of caring when you are literally giving reason for it by trying your BEST to upset them and make them feel like they deserve to feel like shit for what they are afterwards. dfgjdfkgjdlfkgfd man the hypocrisy and like complete lack of self awareness in reg culture is like novacaine for my brain its so jarring sometimes. im allowed to have a problem with you having a problem with me bc i cant fix Being smth, you can fix how you feel abt it. balls in your court ill stay waiting. im not gonna hate myself bc you’re not right xoxo get a vaccine for w/e makes you this evil and selfish pls

[innocentbeing]

i find the editor’s note at the end of 151 so interesting!! im gonna babble my thoughts ovr it a little 

“[real ciel’s] purity gives him an unwavering heart”

what oh what could it mean by purity, I wonder? perhaps bizarre dolls can’t actually feel emotions and only run by their goals/desires, thus making ciel’s actions “pure” as it’s untainted by any negative emotions. he has a goal and will take whatever means to get there, but there isnt any cruelty or desire to hurt his brother (or others) in his decisions.  

that’s one idea that came to mind but tbh, i dont really like bizarre dolls not having emotions just ‘cos they lack souls. I mean, emotions come from the brain in the first place. if their brains are made to believe they’re actually alive, what’s stopping it from producing the necessary chemicals that make us have feelings? secondly, real ciel and polaris definitely appear to have emotions in my eyes, esp polaris lmfao. 

with ciel, i think its pretty obvious he doesnt like sebastian and feels anger/hatred for taking his soul away. he also seems to take some joy in watching his brother squirm and struggle when he framed him and he even stated he feels excited to fight with him. with polaris.. well, clearly, the dude has some really intense emotions. he showed unabashed rage when the blood factory was destroyed, was shivering and dripping in sweat when he had to calm down, and even cried over the thought of losing his master again. that was all in the span of.. what, 20 seconds? LOL. so im pretty sure they have feelings.

so perhaps purity could refer to.. a lack of conscience? since they lack souls maybe they are unable to sense right from wrong and that unawareness makes him pure? 🤔🤔 imo though, even if they can’t “feel” right from wrong they should at least be able to “know” if they’re hurting someone. at the very least, rc def has that awareness given how he made sure to apologize for “the hurt and pain” the Midfords felt over Lizzie’s disappearance, that her mom must be “sick with worry” and Lizzie returning home would ease her pain. i think i can rule out “unawareness of morality in his behavior” since he clearly understands that much. I wouldn’t call if “purity” if one is aware that they are doing something “bad” but keeps going because they simply do not care or just doesn’t feel bad about it.

so i think purity is referring to, well, rciel himself. his personality. it’s probably just the way I see him lol but i think him telling tanaka to dispose of the funtom toys wasn’t out of malicious intent. it seems cold especially after he was literally just embracing it and then tossed it aside but still, regardless of him being proud of his brother’s achievements, which I believe was genuine, the toys were simply in the way and needed to be removed.

i dont think it was meant to be cruel, it’s just logic and not because he lacks emotion or a conscience. Ciel is able to put his own personal feelings aside— his utter pride in his brother’s growth and achievements— and do what he needs to do lol. I think that is what is meant by “purity”. he always had this way of thinking/behaving. for example..

“We have to take care of them if we want them to work hard for us” it seems harsh, but honestly I think Ciel is just making an observation without meaning to be cruel or dehumanizing. if you treat people poorly and have nothing to offer them, why would they stay and work for you? he thinks rationally instead of with his emotions. 

its similar to what ociel said here:

masses will want the product that’s better for them. the funny thing is, he calls it “cruel” whereas i think rciel would just say “makes sense” SUHDJK and i find their contrasts so fking fascinating sdhuis but that’s for another post SUHDI.

also i wanna point out his purity concerning his brother’s company... like, if it were me i’d be so frustrated how my brother has everything and I have nothing. how he achieved his dream while i spent the last 3 years suffering all alone. but instead, rciel is genuinely proud of him for it. he loves his brother utterly and unconditionally, despite being angry with him.

rciel’s “purity”, to be able to think rationally and make decisions without influence from his feelings, gives him an unwavering heart 🥺💕💕

[bi-dazai]

2000 words on soukoku romance-coding in episode 26

i’ve talked a lot on here about how there’s a lot of romance-coding in the canon content featuring dazai and chuuya. here’s a rundown of my base theories here

i didnt add this in my original above post, but ill say now that diegetically chuuya and dazai are usually quite levelheaded and manipulative - both are the two youngest port mafia executives in history. even when dazai is annoyed with other characters (such as kunikida or atsushi) it is clear that he is play-acting. chuuya, meanwhile, is extremely level-headed and doesnt get upset at all - even when yosano and kenji appeared heavily armed. dazai is only slightly upset by shibusawa and dostoyevsky. the only person to genuinely get a rise out of both chuuya and dazai are each other. even so, their arguing has, from the beginning, been petty on the surface, yet upon reading into dialogue and animated/written/illustrated facial expressions show deep hurt at each others actions, particularly on their 4 year separation and dazai covering up his loyalty to chuuya by betraying his trust in episode 21.

i have two more points to add on concerning their non-diegetic relationship. firstly, that official merchandise and posters almost always depict chuuya and dazai either ogling each other (theres a trend of dazai ogling chuuya’s ass in particular) or doing something romantic together (for example there’s a poster where they are depicted hanging around together with no other characters near a christmas tree - christmas is considered a romantic holiday in japan. the same coding is given to many canon fictional couples in japan, and to another studio bones production pairing in bnha kiribaku, which has a similar level of gaycoding).

the second non-diegetic point you should understand about soukoku: it’s one of the most popular ships in japan, and japan’s anime industry tends to be a lot more open about showing same-sex relationships/gay-coding than the west is.

--- 

and for a note on my authorship - i admit that i do ship soukoku, and that this gives me a bias. i am also bisexual and am much more sensitive to noticing homoeroticism than many straight audiences. however, to counter this point id like to clarify that it takes a lot to make me believe a same-sex ship has even the slightest chance of being canon. also, id like to say that i am an author in my second year of a creative writing degree and my first year of a film studies minor. these degrees both involve analysing text within production and authorial context (a lot...). in my free time i read a lot of papers and articles on the production context and general views of lgbt representation in different countries’ media, in particular the usa, australia, and japan. i consume every piece of media i view with an intensely critical eye and i specialise in connected diegetic elements with non-diegetic elements in terms of production, authorial, and social context

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*NOTE* im going to be doing things out of order here for no other reason than that i realised them in that order as i thought about the episode analytically

today i want to talk about something extremely specific that came up in episode 26, and it has to do with the use of symbolism and shot composition. it’s just a short, short sequence but to me it speaks volumes, both for their canon relationship and their coded romantic relationship.

specifically this sequence. this is just one shot and to me it portrays soukoku’s dynamic as explicitly romantic in a mise-en-scene sense.

before we like to go in, id like to clarify that the dialogue doesnt matter - it’s mainly expository stuff.

the first sc is the first shot we see of dazai and chuuya ‘alone’ in this scene. it’s unclear where mori is exactly. even though mori is clearly orchestrating the two of them and this entire scene’s dialogue, he isn’t in this shot until the very end. this defines the soukoku relationship, as well as their first meeting being entirely incidental, as being something that was supposedly orchestrated by mori but on a deeper level something they created and grow themselves. it is their relationship from the beginning, not mori’s. even though we know that mori is orchestrating this, we are told that this story will be about chuuya and dazai, not mori’s plans. along with that, it’s also the first shot of open sky we get in this scene, and it’s with just chuuya and dazai looking at each other, silent. it’s open and refreshing and new, but there’s something there already - which i will discuss now.

so. let’s talk about the vapour trail. the vapour trail has no real relationship to the scene or story at all. it would be perfectly logical to just place clouds here, or even place the vapour trail somewhere else. but this vapour trail is very specifically placed to form an arrow to comes from dazai’s heart and reaches towards chuuya, passing over mori’s head narrowly. mori watches the trail, dazai and chuuya watch each other. mori knows the middle part - that they will be tied together to be a device of violence of his own making. but at the other ends dazai and chuuya are tied together in a way that goes above and below mori’s knowledge. this symbolises their future together, and indicates a subtextual level to their dynamic.

the choice i want to focus on here, however, is the choice to have this arrow reach from dazai’s heart. as a writer, if i was trying to symbolise the general strategic soukoku dynamic i would have this arrow go from dazai’s head (the brains) to chuuya (the recipient and conductor of dazai’s plans). in fact, i have a dynamic im writing right now that is similar to this, in which one is defense and one is agility. however, these two also end up in a same-sex romantic relationship together later on. in order to code and foreshadow this, as well as add romantic subtext, often when using symbology i adjust my symbols to fit a romantic context subtly. as an author myself, this shot is a clear hint of adjusted symbolism in order to code dazai’s feelings for chuuya.

and if i’m to read further, i would even say that the fact that the arrow flies over chuuya’s head suggests that dazai currently has romantic feelings for chuuya that chuuya does not yet return (but comes to, something that i have discussed in my linked post above).

---

secondly, tumblr user @cream-and-punishment made a fun joke post about dazai and chuuya “exchanging wedding vows” at their first meeting. firstly, it’s funny as fuck and when i first saw the post my reaction was just “haha it does sound like that!”. however, i keep looking at that post, keep returning to the script and that scene, and my reaction is now “wow. it does sound like that. like. exactly what soukoku wedding vows sound like. huh.”

for the lazy here’s the script (translated by the funimation subtitle team):

Dazai: You’re a cocky, overconfident child. You’re the kind of person I hate the most.

Chuuya: And I hate condescending pricks like you more than anything in this world.

and because im thorough, i ignored my english subs and listened the original japanese script as well (with my limited japanese to basically check for anything that could be translated differently or means something in japanese that is culturally untranslatable). what i found was that the english subs are right, and capture the original lines quite well.

dialogue can function as a tool for multiple results. in this two-line exchange, neither of the lines are meant as views into the character’s true interiors. instead, the purpose of this interchange is meant to be foreshadowing, specifically into the fact that this is how chuuya and dazai spend the rest of their relationship (up until the current point in the canon manga plot) expressing their opinion towards each other. it mirrors the kind of dialogue we see in episode 10 in which dazai and chuuya’s dialogue works as exposition for their past and their base dynamic, and here it is used to foreshadow what is considered backstory in the main plot (if that makes any sense?).

however, chuuya’s response to dazai is where im interested. im gonna pull my writer’s card here and say that if i was, again, just foreshadowing hatred and frustration as well as cooperation, i would cut chuuya’s line to something like this:

Chuuya: And I hate condescending pricks like you the most/just as much/etc.

“more than anything in this world”, of course, could just be incidental. but considering how a lot of soukoku’s dialogue is clearly double-entendre (read my original post linked above), it makes me consider a second option: that we are already putting that romantic double-entendre into their dynamic. if we refer to the future soukoku dynamic, in particular in episode 21, we are shown multiple times that chuuya genuinely cares for dazai’s well-being (secondary to rimbaud’s hat of course hahaha). chuuya would be genuinely upset if dazai died, and its implied (though still up to interpretation as opposed to the explicitness of chuuya’s shown feelings, however i would argue that dead apple is fairly explicit in dazai’s trust and feelings) the vice versa is also true.

going off that, often how both of them express concern for each other is by making ‘hateful’ comments towards each other. in episode 9, it’s clear there is uncomfortable tension in the room. there is 4 years of unspoken confusion lingering and chuuya is clearly, clearly upset. so dazai, in referencing an unchanging nature of what makes them them, calls back to one of his first mocking entries - how short chuuya is. it’s funny and it’s mocking, but the blows they trade are familiar and even when theyre brawling, despite being on opposite sides they take genuine pleasure in each others company. considering both of their personalities and histories as well as their trauma, both of them tend to struggle with interpersonal relationships and opening up. but chuuya and dazai canonically feel comfortable with each other, and know how to read each other well enough to both bounce off each other while also understanding what lies beneath.

so when chuuya says something like “i hate you more than anything in this world” we are pulled back to the present (in the plot), where chuuya says these things but moments later is concerned or worried for dazai’s wellbeing. chuuya in this line prioritises dazai as the foremost person in his life within minutes of meeting each other. diegetically (to the characters) we know this is them exchanging tense negotiation. non-diegetically (to what we know of the script and their future, as well as this entire exchange being mostly foreshadowing), we are clearly meant to interpret this to mean that chuuya will, eventually, hold dazai to be incredibly important to him, and vice versa. 

of course, we also have the fact that the phrase “more than anything in this world” is yet another soukoku romantic double-entendre. as i mentioned with things such as “the silent treatment” and mentioning drinking heavily when someone abruptly leaves you, it’s clear that these are used almost entirely as romantic tropes. i’ve discussed this before so i wont get too much into it, but just say that this scene adds yet another line to that long list of soukoku double-entendres.

---

considering at least the first 3 episodes will be related to exploring the soukoku backstory, ill be trying to post an analytic of soukoku for each episode of the 15 adaptation. furthermore, these posts won’t be explicitly about the potential of canon romantic chuuya/dazai, but will analyse soukoku scenes in a focus that i see fit for each episode. whether this is examining it like this post again, or examining it for foreshadowing or cinematographic details etc, will be decided once i watch each episode.

anyway lol! yet another rambling analytical of something nobody cares about haha

[karazrel]

stydia :)

thank you love :)

Gives nose/forehead kisses: definitely stiles, he’s so much taller than lydia (and he never lets her forget it) so he’s always bending down to give her a kiss on the forehead 

Gets jealous the most: they’re both relatively jealous people but in completely different ways. like stiles? he’s always considered lydia to be miles out of his league so his jealousy is something quiet and hidden between strained smiles and bad jokes. but lydia? she burns hot and fierce and one minute stiles is obliviously chatting to the nice barista  and the next he has an arm-full of lydia who’s kissing him in a decidedly inappropriate way for public spaces

Takes care of on sick days: so we all know lydia is like a Workaholic who just.. Does Not Know How To Take A Break, even at her own peril (circa teen wolf 2011-2018) and she is the absolute worst person at being sick, not because she’s whiny but because she absolutely refuses to even acknowledge any illness of hers. so after they’ve finally gotten together stiles makes it his mission to get her to take better care of her health even if it means literally carrying her out of the library in the middle of the day because ‘lydia martin you will get some rest or so help me god i will tie you to the bed’

Drags the other person out into the water on beach day: okay so i have this headcanon that allison absolutely loved the beach and she’d drag lydia to this secluded cliffside strip of beach every weekend regardless of how much she complained (’id really rather not be picking sand out of my hair for the next three months allison’) and eventually lydia grew to love the beach just as much, if not more than allison. but then the nogitsune happened and allison died and beaches became nothing more than another place lydia couldnt go without the memory of allison choking her. and at first stiles didn’t get it because like who doesn’t love the beach? but then scott absentmindedly lets it slip that allison and lydia used to pretty much live there and it all suddenly makes so much sense. and we all know stiles just cannot let things go and so he plans a surprise trip and takes lydia to the very same beach she used to visit with allison and lydia is crushed and furious but more than anything she’s so tired of trying to forget someone who brought her so much happiness. and just when she thinks she’s all cried out, stiles brings out a fucking sharpie pen and tells her that allison deserves to be here with them too, and lydia has tears in her eyes when she writes A.A. on the nearest rock. and when stiles drags her towards the water she’s laughing just as loud and hard as before and it feels something like rebirth.

Brings the other lunch at work: they take turns because honestly? they’re both so damn bad at taking care of themselves. like lydia will spend three days straight in her lab if stiles doesnt send her 10000 messages reminding her to come home. and when stiles is working on a case? he’s damn near unresponsive to anything that isn’t a case file. so they’re both there for each other with food and a reminder to actually get some sleep when it matters.

Tries to start role-playing in bed: okay like definitely stiles 10000% because like he’s a dumbass and now he’s a dumbass with a badge so like think of all the /potential/ and so one day he walks into their house and he strides up to lydia all gruff and confident and tells her if being sexy is a crime then you’re guilty as charged ms martin and lydia just…. bursts out laughing for like 15 minutes straight (she does let him keep the handcuffs though)

Embarrassingly drunk dancer: stiles stilinski, this doesnt even need an explanation 

Firmly believes in couples costumes: again, definitely stiles like he’s been in love with lydia for like ten years ‘think of all the couples costumes we could’ve tried out in those years lydia! think of all the wasted potential!’ and lydia pretends to hate it but secretly she loves how dorky stiles is and how damn excited he gets planning their costume every single year

Breaks the expensive gift rule during Christmas: lydia for sure, like stiles’ gifts are always thoughtful knickknacks and handcrafts or photographs, things that warm lydias heart and make her fall in love with him all over again and she’s at a loss for what to get this beautiful man who’s given her everything she’s ever wanted and she knows that stiles doesnt care about how expensive a gift is but seeing him light up when he realises she got him an original star wars figure - or some other nerdy gift that probably cost thousands of dollars - is enough to make her day.

Makes the other eat breakfast: stiles has basically spent the better part of his teenage years making sure his dad stuck to an actual healthy diet and that’s only expanded to include lydia in the past couple of years so he insists that she eat breakfast every single morning or at least take something with her to work and send him a picture of the finished meal because he knows that if left to her own devices she’d have a cracker and call it a day

Remembers anniversaries: stiles! stiles! stiles! again, he just cannot believe that he’s married to lydia freaking martin and so any anniversary is a heartwarming reminder that he’s finally with the woman he loves so he’s always (and i mean always) doing The Most

Brings up having kids first: so one day stiles is visiting lydia at work and he notices this like gaggle of young kids surrounding her being pretty much enthralled by her every word - later he finds out that she volunteered as part of a project aimed at introducing young girls to the STEM field and she’s somewhat of a mentor - but right now all he can focus on is lydia’s brilliant smile and her bending down and talking in soft tones with the kids and answering all their questions and he’s sure his brain has short circuited because how else would you explain why he’s pretty much frozen and incapable of forming coherent words. after that, stiles cant stop thinking about lydia and kids and lydia with kids (their kid specifically) and one date night they’re out in a restaurant ordering food and lydia turns to him with a smile and asks ‘what would you like?’ and stiles just bursts out in a way too loud voice ‘kids!’ which garners a few confused looks but starts a much overdue conversation (and if ten years later claudia asks when exactly they decided to have kids at least they’ll have a funny story to tell)

Kills the bugs: neither! they’re both like borderline terrified of insects altogether so the logical thing to do? call actual saint scott mccall to come save the day and release the bugs into the wilderness

First to define them as a couple: lydia, and not because stiles doesnt want to, it’s just that they’re still so new and he kind of like cant believe that theyre an actual couple, like a couple who go out together, exclusively and he’s still waiting for someone to jump out and say ‘sike! we got you good!’ and so he’s pretty much walking on egg shells until lydia figures it out and decides to overcompensate by literally telling every person they meet until stiles is convinced that yes, this is real, and ‘no ashton kutcher is not hiding in a bush stilinski, so you better start calling me you girlfriend before i find someone who will’

Who hides their guilty pleasures longer: lydia! like stiles is a dork and he owns it, he knows he’s a giant nerd but lydia? she’d rather die than let people know of her weird obsessions (it’s stiles who eventually convinces her that it’s not a bad thing to be a passionate nerd ‘look at me, i spent my entire life being a geek and i managed to marry the most beautiful woman in the world’)

Snorts while laughing: LYDIA. listen, lydia martin may seem like a composed and elegant woman but she is such a giant dork and only a handful of trusted people know it. 

send me a ship!

[ocean-butch]

How is cas different from ur other girlfriends

akcjwjxia i had to wait like SIX HOURS to answer this bc of a goddamn test i had bUT OH BOY ANON AM I GONNA LOVE DOING IT alfjadjsk i just love talking about my gf i love her so much i wanna gush about her 25/8

the short answer would be basically in every way bUt imma do it part by part.

okay so, in a simplified version i’ve had relationships with people whose personalities worked well with me but who were shitty girlfriends or a good girlfriend who just didnt really fit with my personality. i’ve actually given that so much thought even before i met cass, but the point is that i met her and she was just perfect for me in both ways (technically its more complicated bc theres a bunch of logic into this that im not explaining bc my mind is weird and it would be Way too long but anyways). but ok let get into How she fits me perfectly.

first of all literally no one ever in my entire life has made me laugh as easily and genuinely as she does. im not even exaggerating, like laughing was never really A Thing for me to look for in girls bc it just never happened???? like i had fun conversations and stuff but there was never anyone that made me go “holy shit i have never laughed this much with anyone else” and we have So many inside jokes, which is a thing that i almost never have????? and i always used to wish i did bc everyone would talk about it and i’d feel like i just wasnt funny and That was the problem. and also this is really important bc its one of the things that made me realize that i liked (and eventually, came to love) her. bUT its not the only one so theres also like all these things that we like and we can talk about for HOURS like i remember when i watched infinity war and the first thing i did when i got home was call her and we talked about it for like 2 hours idek but it was great. the point is, we have a bunch of shared interests (which isnt like 100% necessary but its still really nice), wHICH LEADS ME TO: her music taste is amazing and i love that so much bc i love music With My Entire Soul and its the best thing in the fucking world (after cass & my friends and tied with the ocean) but yeah thats great too. AND i think more importantly than the last 2 things is that she is literally so fucking easy to talk to. like ever since the beginning we didnt really have that awkward phase where we run out of things to talk about and the conversation keeps dying like we never had that it just flowed so well and that was such a good feeling. another thing is also how comfortable i feel talking to her.

like i have never felt this way with any of my girlfriends bc i was always scared that i was gonna be annoying or say something Wrong and they’d start to realize i sucked and then break up with me, but shes just so kind and idk she just has this way about her that makes me feel at home and its always been there like i dont believe in love at first sight or anything like that but i swear to god the day after i met her i already felt like i could tell her anything and that was such a comforting thing and i needed that so badly at the time. i dont feel like i was able to describe this aspect very well tbh like im not doing it justice. like, she makes me feel like im not annoying at all, and like i could just randomly start ranting about anything and she would be like super invested in it, and just literally so comfortable in every sense of the word. she is my home, no ifs ands or buts, i just feel it every single time that we talk or that i simply think about her, and i have never felt this so clearly with anyone. and i think this comfort i feel with her is kinda connected with how she has always made me felt so appreciated, in a way that no one has ever done. like, i had like 2 tags about my wants and needs in a relationship, there was “my dream girl” to remind me that i shouldnt settle for anyone after i got out of a rlly bad relationship, and there was “things i wish someone would tell me” after my “first” relationship (i dont really count it bc Officially™ we only dated for a week) because my gf at the time would almost never be affectionate with me and it made me really insecure so i started that tag as a way to vent kinda. anyways my point is that i made those tags bc i would always feel super anxious in my relationships bc i never really felt loved or even wanted (aka the good personalities awful gfs relationships) i just felt like a burden and it was such a big thing for me.

okay now i’ll say that there Kinda was an exception to this before cass, because it would be unfair to say that that relationship was detrimental to my mental health, but it was still different. like, that ex did make me feel wanted most times, but not only did i still have A Lot of insecurities about the whole thing bc of some things she would say and do or not say and not do and i’d get like super uncomfortable or just sad really but also bc whenever the conversation would start to die out i was Absolutely Certain that she was gonna break up with me. it was pretty bad im not even joking. and like ofc my anxiety isnt her fault OR responsibility and like sure i still get anxious about cass sometimes but its not like that its basically just when she doesnt answer for a long time i think that something bad might have happened but even when my rude ass brain does try to tell me that she doesnt love me i KNOW that its not true, and that is a kind of peace that i have never ever had before. but anyways, so that was the good gf whose personality didnt fit mine and its weird now bc that is so obvious but i really didnt wanna believe it at the time even though i knew it wasnt gonna work out, but now its just really weird ngl (but i wont get into the why).

and now cass. wow okay let me tell you about cass. she is perfection. she is literally everything i have ever wanted AND things i didnt even know i wanted. she is everything no one else ever was and i just remembered that when we started dating in may i said that exact same sentence to abby. its just so true, she really is everything that no one else could be. because theyre not her. i’ve said this a lot of times but i really dont see how i could ever love anyone else after loving her, it just doesnt make sense to me because she really is like,, as good as it gets. there is no one better than her for me. we’re literally meant to be i s2g like when we broke up for a while i would tell everyone i wasnt really trying to move on at all bc i just hoped she would come back to me and i couldnt miss that chance. i knew she was my soulmate, although at some points i lost almost all hope (but never all) and i started thinking that maybe she was the love of my life but i wasnt the love of hers. and thats bc she really is everything ive ever dreamed of like she has all these little things that she does or say that sometimes wouldnt even mean anything to other people but to me they are So important bc theyre things ive dreamed about while my ex girlfriends ignored me akcjsjxn like, i was talking about how comfortable she feels to me and a big part of that comes from little things like the fact that even when we were just friends she would spam me when i was gone for a long time and that not only made me feel missed and appreciated but also it meant i could do that to her and it wouldnt be annoying bc she felt the same!! like, she missed me too! and me knowing that she actually Wanted to talk to me and the fact that she actually showed me she cared was super great when we started dating bc it made me feel like if i was feeling sad or insecure, i could literally just ask her to be a little more affectionate and it wouldnt feel fake bc i actually knew she cared. and you have No idea how much that meant to me bc i literally didnt know it was possible for me to feel that way. like honestly i thought it was an innate aspect of who i am that like if i asked for affection it would be meaningless? bc i’d be lowkey forcing the person to say something? but with her it felt different bc we had enough intimacy for me to feel comfortable enough to do that.

HOWEVER i never actually Had to do that bc i got insecure exactly once (1) on the first night we started dating back in may bc i didnt know how much she liked me and i was like in love with her so i thought she would think i was too much and then i told her i was sad and that i was gonna sleep and the next day when i woke up she said something along the lines of “how are you babe bc i remember you said you were sad last night and i couldnt stop thinking about it bc i want you to feel good all the time” and thats something so small but wow it just meant so much to me bc i would cry and beg any fucking force in the universe to make my last ex do Anything At All to try to make me Not Sad and it would be awful and i would feel so so unloved and then cass just said that and something clicked in me and i never doubted her feelings to an actual Meaningful extent while we’ve been together anymore (like ofc i get insecure sometimes and especially when we broke up, but while we have been dating ive never gotten like actually Sad™ specifically bc i wasnt sure she liked me) but it gets even better because some of the things she does are so so special that i never even imagined them like shes literally unreal, i literally never thought someone like her existed and its just so wild to me that i get to be with her.

and i know im saying a bunch of cliches but i mean it all so much like i remember when i was dating one of my exes i was learning her first language but she didnt try to learn mine and i really wished she would bc i just always loved the idea that someone would do that for me?? (and she was like the good gf so yknow,, just how that relationship literally did Not even compare to cass) and guess what yes cass is learning portuguese and its the cutest thing ever btw bUt the point is she does all the little things ive ever wanted in a partner (i literally have a post with a list of things i appreciate in a partner and she does all of them!! well, the ones that arent like irl or smth) also i literally have a draft in this blog that is a list of cute things cass has done/said that means a lot to me personally but i didnt post it yet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and like theres just so so many things that i havent talked about, like how im not even sure if i was ever in love with anyone of them anymore because what i feel for cass is just so different and so much more, or like how cass actually makes me want to try to get better, which ive never actually wanted before bc it always seemed to scary, like she literally makes me wanna be not only alive but also happy bc she makes me feel like i deserve it. she has been such a good influence on me and my mental health and thats so important and its the first time someone has been this good for me.

but anyways the point is that cass is right for me in every single way like she really is my other half she literally just is everything that she is and thats how shes different from my ex girlfriends.

[elenatria]

hello! ive gone through your hiddlesworth headcanons tag and i absolutely love every single one of them

Awww thanks for loving my Hiddlesworth headcanons, that means a lot! ^__^

As for where the Tom vs Taika theory came from… Shall I tell you?… :-P

There’s no evidence or hints of Tom not liking Taika’s style whatsoever. I’ve asked the people making those claims time and time again and I got no answers, to the point I thought they had inside info or something and they wouldn’t tell us lol.

So, as a disclaimer, this is my SPECULATION, my HEADCANON. I do believe some people will get offended anyways by my assuming things about fans and celebrities I do not know personally so beware of… imminent butthurtness. *puts helmet on and opens an umbrella*

There’s a simple explanation to the Tom vs Taika dispute: it’s called… Loki/Tom stanning. Not in the sense that the majority of Loki/Tom stans are not nice people who support him and his work. In the sense that some Loki/Tom stans cannot love Loki or Tom without hating on Thor, Chris or Taika. 

Why? Because to them everything is a pissing contest and their baby is not loved enough if another baby in the same film gets… equal, or bigger amounts of love. The logic of it all makes my brain trickle out of my ears. 

Get  this: if a THOR  movie called “THOR” isn’t all about… Loki/Tom, if co-stars and directors are not sucking up to him 24/7, if Loki isn’t the badassest badass who badasses the shit out of Thor, then there must be something wrong with the movie, with the protagonist who’s “the new flavour” (Chris) or with the director who “doesn’t care enough about Loki’s character/arc” (Taika) because he has his own headcanon about Thor and Loki and “loves Thor/Chris more”. 

There are many many people disappointed in “Ragnarok” (and Taika) because this time it was Loki who got his ass kicked, Loki who got tricked, Loki who got pushed around for shits and giggles. Oh my GAWD the horror, the poor poor innocent baby who is allowed to blast a whole city, throw his brother out of a hellicarrier, lie to him on several occasions because “he was adopted and lied to” and get away with it all, while some stans bawl their eyes out just because he got… electrocuted and because Thor didn’t suck his metaphorical dick in the elevator scene proclaiming his undying love to him (as if Thor DIDN’T try to do that on several occasions in the past - and failed). So, to them, Loki being on his brother’s side, helping him, meant he was back again in Thor’s shadow, and Loki is not supposed to do that, in any film. He’s supposed to be a king and rule the universe and be the coolest shit in all Thor films, as if his mere existence in the comics isn’t permanently linked with his brother’s fate. There would be no Loki without Thor but… whatever, don’t try telling them that. They talk about “balance” and “equality” but in reality all they want is Loki to take center stage again. Talking about insecurities. 

Then there’s the Tom stanning. Again, if a “Thor” promo tour is not all about Tom (and people forget that this happened mostly during “The Dark World”, when Marvel caught up to Loki’s popularity - and NOT so much during the two previous films) then there must be something wrong with the director, right? Let’s face it, Taika is the “fresh prince of Marvel” these days, promoting himself and his work, leaving his fingerprints all over the film, filling the promo tour and the gag reels with his exhuberant persona. He likes to act like a total diva who loves himself and never misses a chance to show off (watch him photo-bombing Vin Diesel’s selfie vid during the 10 Years of Marvel photo shoot), and why not dammit, he’s gorgeous and funny and a genius, the fucking absolute role-model. Apparently Marvel sensed he can work miracles with the franchise and gave him free rein.

Can you see the coincidence here? Tom was all about promoting his work (and Ragnarok) at Wizard World and Nerd HQ up until summer 2016. Then, when it was time to do the Ragnarok promo tour a year later, Tom’s withdrawal, exhaustion and absence from most Ragnarok premieres (and interviews) combined with Taika’s popularity and self-promotion led people to believe Taika had stolen his thunder.

Less Tom + More Taika = They don’t like each other/don’t work well together, geddit?

The thing is, Tom and Taika have many things in common, but they’re also very very different. 

So after talking to my friend @dinamicus we came to the conclusion that might even… confirm what Tom stans say!… I mean yeah, they might be right!… But I assure you, from my part, it’s a TOTAL HEADCANON based on Tom’s studies and public appearances that suits my Tom=Cinderella, Taika=Wicked Fairy Godmother of the West theory. Plus it DOESN’T mean they don’t get along in reality, or that Tom has probs working with Taika. It’s a theory, one which I don’t totally believe anyway.

Tom/Taika differences:

Taika loves improvisation but it doesn’t seem to be Tom’s forte. Tom came from RADA, remembers everything and recites Shakespeare in his sleep while Taika has a more loose directorial style not based on “classical training” and learning things by heart. Also notice Tom’s speeches at the Bafta awards (with Mark Strong) and the Golden Globes (the one he got so much unfair criticism for). Maybe maybe he’s not at his best when he doesn’t have a solid script to work on, that’s why those speeches came out so awkward, and maybe that’s why he got so much bashing after the Globes. Poor man, he couldn’t catch a break just because he made the mistake to “talk too much”. I assure you, to me it wasn’t about “self-promotion” and “self-indulgence” as most people accused him of, it was about him wanting to connect his award with his work for Unicef, and he was talking and talking and, unavoidably, some of it sounded as if he was bragging. Also, from most of the Ragnarok interviews I’ve seen, he didn’t mention improvising as much as Chris and Mark did.

Taika loves self-mockery, Tom doesn’t. They’re both funny af but they have a different type of humour. Tom always blushes when he receives compliments BUT you’ll never see him use self-sarcasm, like, ever. As if he’s too self-conscious (or just a bit insecure…?) to let himself loose and, like Chris or Taika, to make fun of himself, his image. Maybe he’s not as confident as those two, maybe he cares too much about people’s opinions, maybe he’s too uptight, maybe he’s not into that type of humour. Who knows.

Tom/Taika similarities:

They both love their fans, and love being adored by them. So imagine these two  enfants gâtés being in the same room. Who will get more attention, hugs and kisses? It’s a contest!

They both missed their dads while growing up (Tom’s parents were divorced when he was 13, Taika has said more than once that his parents weren’t together as he grew up and he missed being cuddled by both of them - btw could someone enlighten us on this? I don’t know much). So, two big kids who apparently need all the love and the attention in the world collide because they want the same things. 

But honestly, I don’t need any kind of “proof” to know that Tom and Taika got along. 

I just take Tom’s word for it.

Oh. And Taika’s.

Who apparently liked Tom enough to miss him after the filming ended...

... and 

TO BE THE HAM IN THE GODDAMN HIDDLESWORTH SANDWICH.

Still, “Taika doesn’t like Tom”.

Whatever.

[ick25]

Rockman.EXE Review Episode 5

I really like this episode, not sure... why...

Of course! There is a giant virus in this one!

Can fish stampede?

The episode opens with a shot of a mans head against the sun right outside of Yaito’s tree house. We then cut to the Net Battle taking place inside between Rockman and Gutsman.

The whole group is viewing Netto and Dekao’s battle but mostly just watching Rockman evading Gutsman’s punches. Rockman beats Gutsman with a score of 23 to 0 by throwing a Mini Bomb at Gutsman’s...

Of course, this was cutted out from the american dub, where we only see Rockman throwing the Mini Bomb and then inmediately cutting to Netto and Dekao.

 But what was Rockman thinking anyway? I thought he was better than this. I do like how Roll is covering her eyes though.

The laughs dont last long as the intruder alarm goes off. The intruder is the not so misterious man from earlier, Masa-san, who gets hit in the head after opening the door with what I can just assume is a classic Japanese gag.

Quite the security system you have there Yaito.

After Masa-san introduces himself as the best fisherman in Akihara and the title card appears, Yaito tries to confront him, but instead, he just yells at her bad manners and tells Netto and the others that they are wasting valuable time playing Netbattles indoors since kids are suppouse to play outside, run, climb trees, play sports, etc. And that he is going to force them to do some training because I guess he doesnt have anything better to do, this is followed by this funny reaction from Rockman and Roll.

So Masa-san starts his training by making them “run”, during this, Meiru explains to Yaito about how Masa-san doesnt know much about technology nor does he like it. I put quotation marks on the running part because its easy to tell that they aren’t, It is until Masa-san looks back that he finds out that none of them are running.

Even when the camera only shows them from the waist up you can tell none of them are running, except maybe for Netto who is moving his arms.

This angers Masa-san and decides to get serious. We see a montage of them doing push-ups, climbing threes and escaping from sharks, you know, what normal kids do everyday.

Netto is actually doing pretty good! I dont know why Masa-san is so upset, Netto ran around the entire school in the last episode. Ok, he skated a little, but that still needs good balance and strengh.

Finally, he makes them play Baseball by attaking them with millions of fast balls.

Yaito has enough and yells at Masa-san telling him that her dad is “made of money”, Masa-san ignores her threat and throws another baseball at her, she ducks resulting on the baseball hitting Dekao.

Obviously cutted from the american dub too.

This is followed by yet another funny reaction from Rockman and Roll.

Is it strange that Rockman says that right after Dekao’s scene?

We then cut to the bad guy’s secret HQ where Dr.Wily, leader of the World Three, is playing a montage of the WWW Navis getting their butts kicked by Rockman.

And then they stare at a picture of his crotch XD

“Specially by the exact same chip combo! A Shotgun followed by a Sword?”

Wily scolds the three operators but they then tell him about a new plan they have, this time not involving any of their navis.

Their target, the Robotics fish aquarium!

As mush as I wonder how an aquarium of robotic fish would make sense, I cant help feeling that this couple walked in from a diferent anime.

Maybe they’re just too generic.

Jelly viruses begin to appear inside the aquarium’s server and this causes the robotic fish to go crazy, but at least the damage is contained, right?

Meanwile, we cut back to Netto and his friends all tired out from Masa-sans training, he gives them some fish snacks  and decides to tell them some fun fish facts while they eat.

He even brougth flash cards. Masa-san tells them that eating well, playing well and learning well is the key to success. Something Netto doesnt really believe but Rockman sure seems to.

Would you also explain to me how can they be alive if they dont have brains? Or a heart?

After Netto freaks out after seeing a robotic flying fish actually flying in front of him, we see that the whole city has been taken over by the the robotic fishes from the aquarium, who can now fly for some reason.

Ok, that giant octopus makes sense as a robot, but what about the rest of the fish?

As fars as I know, the robotic fish only cause damage by crashing into things, just like a big tuna was about to do with Netto and friends when Masa-san quickly saves them in a scene that was cutted halfway in the american dub.

After Masa-san tells them the damage that species of tuna could’ve done, even as a robot, Rockman tells Netto to plug him into the network so he can go to the aquariums server with Glyde to see whats going on.

Why Glyde? Why can they access the aquarium server through the Net? Why does the robotic tuna have a skelleton? So many questions today.

Netto and Yaito find a payphone and plug-in, showing us Yaitos official plug-in sequence.

They arrive at the server to see that something strange is going on and Rockman spots a fin like object moving in the floor.

The fin attacks them revealing a shark like navi jumping out of the floor. After dodging the attack, Rockman lands on some weak panels making him fall through the floor where he discovers that there is an underground lake infested with Jelly viruses.

The World Three is watching everything from their giant monitor, they recognize the blue Navi and order the viruses to attack him.

The Jelly viruses attack Rockman by launching themselves at him while Glyde can only watch from above.

Glyde can only tell Yaito to tell Netto that Rockman is in trouble, but at the same time, the whole group is being chased by a robotic shark.

 After Masa-san proves once again that his knowledge on fish is very useful we cut back to Rockman still being attacked by the Jellies. He finally has enough and dodges a few Jellies before leaping out of the water landing right next to Glyde.

However, the viruses merge together forming a giant Jelly that surfaces.

We cut back to Netto and the others who are cornered by the robotic shark, Netto is frustrated because he needs to get to the aquariums server to save Rockman, Masa-san unsderstands his strugle and throws himself as bait to lure the shark away.

As the group run to the aquarium, the Jelly virus is evading all of Rockman’s shots until it suddently grabs him.

 This doesnt look good but I swear, this isnt THAT kind of anime!

Netto and the others arrived at the aquarium but are stopped by a giant robotic squid blocking the entrance, this doesnt really stop Netto though as he quickly passes the giant squid and locates the aquarium server.

He frees Rockman by sending him the Sword battle chip but unfortunately the virus regenerates itself and attacks Rockman and Glyde with the “tsunami” attack.

Netto begins to freak out since his chips can’t beat the tsunami attack until something is suddently thrown next to him.

I would be wondering why is Rockmans image in the chip, but I guess they dont see this in the show.

The new chip is the “Elec Sword”, Elec meaning “Denki” in japanese as Netto figures out the weakness of the Jelly virus.

Netto sends the newly aquired battle chip to Rockman and tells him that the virus’s weakness is electricity. Rockman tries to aim the sword at the Jelly virus but it wont stay still. Suddently, the shark navi from before leaps out of the water and tackles the giant virus from behind, giving Rockman the chance to attack.

Rockman uses the Elec Sword in a super powerful way that deletes the Jelly virus in one hit, virtually telling the World Three to suck it!

I love their faces XD

After the Jelly is defeated, the strange Navi from before introduces himself as Sharkman. Just that, no operator name, no explanation of why he was there or what he was trying to do or why he attacked them earlier.

Rockman says that with his help he was able to delete the virus, but Sharkman only points out that Rockman wasn’t strong enough to win by himself and bids him goodbye before loggin out.

The sun is setting and Netto returns victorious to his friends who were waiting outside the aquarium, Yaito asks him how did he find out the virus’s weakness and Netto explains after literally having a flashback of Masa-san’s lesson about the Jellyfish.

I would expect that kind of logic from pokemon, not from a show where computer viruses have elemental weaknesses that work like in real life.

After a nice group laugh, Netto remembers about the strange object where he got the Elec Sword.

Well, it looks like a fish bone, and a Navi named Sharkman was in the server, so I’d say it was someone who is obsessed with fish, like Masa-san.

But of course it cant be Masa-san because everybody knows he doesnt own a PET. Besides, he is busy ending the episode while standing on a robotic shark that somehow got impailed on top of a tower.

This is really how the episode ends.

My thoughts?

It was a really fun episode and very educative, even if it was about fish, it was Masa-sans time to shine and if you’ve played the game you’ll know that Sharkman is actually Masa’s navi.

 Masa was but an optional boss along with Saloma and Miyuki in the first game, its good to see he has a better role in the anime. But if Masa-san doesnt like technology and doesnt have a PET, then why was Sharkman in this episode? Even before playing the games I was really confused, who was Sharkman? Is he good or bad? and why would he look like a good Navi for Masa-san? This is the kind of episode the keeps you thinking, I knew there had to be a conection between both characters!

This is also the first time we see the three WWW operators together and not just talking with Wily through a monitor. And I must say that their interaction with eachother wasnt what I imagined.

It was fun to watch them argue and their reactions when they recognized Rockman and after they lost to him again. 

I enjoyed the animation and it was a nice change to the Rockman vs a Navi formula we’ve seen before. The dynamic of the battle and how viruses can also be as dangerous as a WWW Navi. Seeing Rockman underwater, how the viruses merge after he jumps out of the water, its reaction to the Elec Sword and how it only decides to grab Rockman instead of Glyde because he was an actual threat. 

Speaking of Glyde, he was compleately pointless in this episode, all he did was stand there watching Rockman do all the work, commentating and informing Netto that he was in trouble, I guess this was another way of having Yaito grow closer to the group, but what was Glyde’s excuse? That he is not built for battle? We’ve seen him bust viruses before!

[lbaby7]

Another day man. I feel like this is the best place for me to get out my feelings. no one is ever going to see this and tbh it hurts my hand to journal. Fuck. This time of my life is so difficult. Not saying that other parts of my life haven’t been difficult of parts of my future won’t be difficult. My past compared to now seems like a breeze. I would take the stressors, the sadness, and the pain I felt then any day of the week compared to this. I’m 23. Still in college. I graduate in a semester but thats almost two years later than my expected graduation. I never saw this for myself. I always thought I was someone who had it together. I am generally a rule follower and responsible in a way that makes people think I’d succeed. A large part of my existence has always been worrying about what people think of me. Like who cares? I DO! so much. like so so much. Maybe thats something that will always be apart of me. Seriously, how retched would it be if the people I know (or even the ones I don’t) found out that I sometimes don’t shower for two days in a row. or if they knew how much of a monster I can be to the ones I love because I genuinely do not know how to cope with my feelings. These are just some of the things that embarrass me. Believe me theres more things, i could actually write a book about it. Sidenote, I am going to be complaining about everything. I’m fat, I’m ugly, My dads an alcoholic, I’ve never had a boyfriend, never worked a day in my life, a virgin, and at this point i feel like it may be like this forever. Thats a lie. I know I could fix most of these problems myself. Also im not as worried about being successful in the future because I really feel like I thats attainable and something I’d like to work towards. Most of the time though I’m in a constant state of “why me”. Why did I have to be put in a middle class family? Why did i have to be the overweight friend? why am i so fucking socially awkward that it physically makes me ill? Why do I have anxiety? why am I depressed? why dont boys obsess over me? Livvy shut the fuck up. Its not that deep. This shit is so surface level I’m actually cringing while typing. But In order for me to accept the things that make me angry, or keep me from moving forward, i need to admit them to myself. I just wish my whole life was different point blank. I should not be complaining though. My family is amazing. They literally do all they can for me. My dads an alcoholic. It bothers me so much. no one else I know has a dad who gets so belligerently drunk on 5/7 days of the week. when he gets drunk he’s mean to my mom. he’s mean to me. Verbally. he really is a great human otherwise. I want to disassociate with him sometimes. I want to disassociate with alot of people though. I want to hand pick the people I like and discard the rest. How fucked up am I that I just want to throw people away? Even ones who did not cause me any harm.  maybe its my abandonment issues. ha can believe I’m finally owning up to it. in the past I would’ve swore up and down 1000 times i had no such thing. funny how i want to discard people but dont want people to discard me. I guess i want to get rid of them before they get rid of me. I probably could’ve had a boyfriend by now, but its because of this problem i dont. I’ve only ever loved one person, romantically that is. I wonder if he heard me say that if he’d think i was crazy. I know i’m going to marry him though. I just have a feeling. and i cant really envision my future with him not in it. We dont really talk anymore. But it’s just not the time. whatever. he makes me crazy. He doesnt know he does. Does he ever think about me. Did he ever really even like me? maybe even just a little. I don’t know I dont want to think about it. thats a future thing. Also why cant i just go out and fuck some one. my brain doesn’t work like that. I’m so closed off i need someone all to myself. I’m selfish. there i said it. Jealousy also is my ugliest trait. besides my nose ew (surface level livvy calm down) its hard for me to be happy for others because I’m not happy with myself. why are things going good for other people but not me. Again, the only person who is stopping me is me. i’d like to think one day, preferably soon, I’ll get my shit together. I will look how i want to look, for the most part, I love the person i want to love, and ill be happy. At the end of the day I just want someone to choose me. I want to be important to someone. I want to live in a rom com. I want to not have my sister order my food at a drive thru because im too shy. I want to not have an anxiety attack about if one of my friends is fucking the guy I like even though they dont even know each other. i want to get my hygiene back. i dont smell, god i have respect, but so i feel like i used to. Taking care of myself, looking presentable. Now Ill go out as the grease monster and not even bat an eye. Because i dont give a fuck what people think. I do but I dont, make sense? no one is looking at me I’m invisible. Have I made myself feel this way or was it the others? poor me. life is so sad. Im lucky. life could be worse. But the mental illness that im afraid to talk about is making me feel like poor me. im fucking depressed. I will stay in my room for days at a time not wanting to get out of bed. I dont even want to see my friends anymore. I dont want to feel like i have to kill myself to get away from a life that in retrospect is not even close to being bad. Thats what depression will do to you. Turn you into someone you dont even know anymore. I always thought people used mental illness as a way to get attention. maybe thats why I dont talk about mine alot. But all I have to say is the second you experience it you will feel so fucking awful for believe people were making that shit up. None of this makes logical sense. this is just my thoughts s they came to me. I hope in the future i wont be so miserable with my own life, want to be someone else, and maybe am more tolerable with people and not so selfish. I’m selfish without even knowing. I hate the people who have hurt me, but I know i’ve hurt people in the past and alot of them forgave me. I wouldnt have some of my best friends without forgiveness. Im a follower and thats so not cool. I need to stand up for whats right because if I dont do it for someone else who will do it for me. I didnt turn in an assignment that was due today. I get so down on myself and tell myself i wont be able to do it right therefore i dont even try. story of my life. youre too ugly he will be embarrassed and never like you. youre not qualified so dont even try. youre always going to be fat so dont even bother working out. youre never going to have a great life so dont put effort into it. Thes mental roadblocks. are. killing. me. slowly. How do I stop thinking the way I do. What happened in my childhood that made me this way. how can i hurt the person who hurt me. its a friday. im alone. in my room. had a good cry. hating my life. the boy i love is in my town. did i reach out to him? no. but did he reach out to me? no. whatever. I’ll wake up in the morning and maybe i’ll be happy. i doubt it but atleast theres a little optimism left in this cold dark shell of a body. i want to be on antidepressants. I heard they numb you. I’d like to feel numb. maybe thats why I like peppermint oil so much. It makes my body feel numb. goodnight. I need to write on here more. i feel better.