#logging off for the day because the LAST thing my brain needs right now is to STIR this green goop cauldron (chuckle)

[tyunningism]

Fuck me like you mean it !!

── .✦ pairing: h.k x reader

Browsing an adult dating app is the last thing you should be doing when you’re failing your college classes, but who’s to blame you when you’ve got your eye caught on an anonymous user with a hot bod, apart from the nerdy guy in your chem class who’s tutoring you? xx

╰┈➤MDNI - NSFW content ahead... …or in simple words… ɴᴇʀᴅ!ᴋᴀɪ x ᴘᴏᴘᴜʟᴀʀ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

ᝰ.ᐟ wc - 12.2k words

warnings!! and mentions!! switch!reader, blowjob, sex in public but enclosed space, vulgar language, reader’s a bit mean, stomach bulge, riding, cunnilingus, masturbation, sexting, slight nipple play, fleshlight use, big dick!kai agenda, lots of sex mention but overall quite mild i think !! Might’ve missed some things

tyunningism’s note: I seriously wasn’t planning on getting this done until like early July but every time I have time on my hands I end up coming back to finish off parts of this fic !?? Need to go on a whole course on how to write smut better bc I genuinely feel deenergised + decided to make reader filthy rich as well to add a bit more to her character !!??

“9 assignments Miss L/N.”

Fuck. Literally who decided to make the deadlines for chemistry so short?!! 4 months is barely anything- like- you have a life outside of college too you know?

“Thermodynamics study. Due 4 months ago. Submitted, nothing.

Kinetics research. Due 6 months ago. Submitted, nothing.”

The sound of pages flicking like your professor’s reading a whole criminal case log irritates you, it’s not like you didn’t complete anything?!

“Reactions thesis. Due 7 months ago. Submitted a video of yourself opening up a pair of Louboutins.”

“In my defense professor you didn’t tell me I submitted that video on accident until two days after it was due!”

“And I haven’t received a single updated document from you over the last seven months for that assignment.”

“Touché.” You dust off your pencil skirt too bored out of your mind to spare your babbling professor an ear, admiring the new manicure you got done when you were out in LA during finals last week.

“Ahem. Are you listening Miss L/N? I said at this rate you’re headed towards failing and needing to retake.”

Failing??

Ohmygosh failing!!!

“No you can’t do that Peter! My father’s going to kill me if you fail me this year!! And I need that credit card- so please? Can’t you just let me sneak in to second year?” Seems like batting your eyelashes is too old school now even for your ageing professor.

“It’s Jenkins, Professor Jenkins- remain professional will you? If I permit you to go ahead in to your second year what will I say to the board when they question why you’re lacking behind the rest of the class?”

God, this is unbelievable.

You roll your eyes and slide your manicured hands along his desk to flick to the gradebook with your nail, scanning your eyes along masses of F, F, F, F and oh- a D!!

Grinning like you’ve beat the stupid system you point at the D right next to your name,

“See? A D! That’s enough to get me a spot for next year right?”

“If you’re looking to apply for mopping the hallways of the Chemistry lecture halls then sure, but your grade has consistently failed to meet a pass in both semesters. I can’t figure why you qualified for this course when you show no skills nor interest in studying Chemistry.” He raises his eyebrows for your answer but all you can focus on is the huge zit between the wrinkles lining up on his forehead..gross.

Well, you don’t really know why you picked Chemistry because your brain can’t even handle the easiest topics apart from getting the mclaren you wanted for you birthday if you went ahead with it. Your father can’t blame you if you’re ass at the course can he?

You chew on the fat of your bottom lip, eyes squinting to observe your professor’s physiognomy: wrinkles carved in to his dehydrated skin, the coriander loosely hanging in between his teeth as he speaks and a balding head with hedgerows of graying hair sticking out measly. No way in hell are you sleeping with him for some stupid grade- at least save it for Professor Duncan who’ll fabricate a top grade in your Politics class if you send him some pictures (Haven’t tested the theory yet, but Momo’s sister said it worked and she graduated just fine).

By the looks of it you can’t fake your grades with a bit of daddy’s money like you did in Highschool to get you where you’re at right now, the Cartier watch that released this summer is glistening around his wrist and of course you can’t help but admire !! If the rumours are true he probably got it from his sugar mommy half his age, yeah..better to keep those emergency funds for the new collection miu miu’s dropping.

“This is serious Miss, staring at my face isn’t going to cut it.”

Fuck, now your old bum of a professor thinks you were checking him out. Even if he was the last man on earth you wouldn’t spare him a look..

“So, I’ve set you up with the top student for some tutoring sessions over the next couple of weeks, and an exam at the end of summer which will decide whether I can give you a pass in to next year. Take this as a warning, make use of Taehyun as best as you-“

Burning sensations sting in your palms which now laid slammed on to the mahogany of the wooden lectern. Taehyun? As in Kang Taehyun who you gave a wedgie to in 5th grade? What makes this old fart think that nerd won’t try to sabotage you instead of tutoring you?

“No! I’m not being tutored by that freak!” Steam is blowing from your nose as you utter the insulting words with defiance.

“I don’t see the issue with a well qualified student like Tae-“

“I’m sure the headmaster won’t see an issue when I show her the Venezuelan model you’ve been seeing on campus grounds either.”

It’s so rewarding to see him swallow his next words and close the gradebook in defeat.

Guess the rumours are true after all,

“Fine. I’ll ask Kai if he’s up for some extra credit.”

Except this time the name doesn’t ring a bell, hell- was there ever a Kai in your lecture hall? Sounds like he’s been celibate his whole life!

Shit, he’s been celibate his whole life.

The endless tapping of your pen starts to become monotonous in the silence of the library. If only your father didn’t threaten to freeze your card if you didn’t attempt to try and learn for once then you wouldn’t even think of showing up in a place like this. Megan was supposed to be bringing her hot brother to lunch today too..

The timid male doesn’t seem to speak much either, he keeps to himself and talks strictly in whispers as he goes over what he’ll be tutoring with you over the next week, dumb chemical reactions and what not..can’t you just graduate, get a degree and leave the actual work to people like Kai instead?

Kai’s some silent guy who sits at the very front of the lecture hall. Always clad in something loose like a hoodie even when it’s sweltering in Summer and religiously reserved to himself although he usually sits next to, gag, Taehyun.

Anyone else would say they see the back of his head more than they see his face and it applies to you too, always sat at the very back in your designated seats with your friends and scrolling Instagram, or better even, gossiping about the new hidden gem you guys found out about a couple weeks ago.

“Let’s arrange a meeting every..hm.. Tuesday?” His voice is hushed and gentle, barely above a whisper.

You lean across the small desk space offered to you with your hands intertwined and nestled below your chin.

“Say Kai, do you have Winkchat?”

Pretty amusing to watch him gulp and look down at his feet at the mention, a nerd like him probably has an insta feed filled with philosophical quotes or some shit, let alone an account on an 18+ dating app.

A hand leaves its spot from under your chin to brush the hair covering his eyes away; what’s the point of having those thickly framed glasses if he’s going to have his hair covering his eyes anyway?

But seems like your hospitality hasn’t grown on him at all because he flinches back so cartoonishly even if your finger is miles away from his face.

“S-Sorry!!! I was just startled, uhm..no I don’t have it.”

“Pfft, you don’t have to be tense with me Kai, promise I don’t bite.”

“Yeah..I know.”

If only you could see how he’s beating himself up over being so awkward right now. Of course he knows you, besides Taehyun’s never ending rants about the time you lied about having a crush on him in middle school upon piles and piles of other stories, Kai has known you for longer than you think.

The college’s princess, you and your friends are always walking around the campus with everyone spun and weaved around your finger like marionettes. There’s always a trail of the college’s varsity team trailing behind with their tongues panting at the sway of your hips and the stretch of your signature pink miniskirt your father shipped from Italy saddled on it. Heaps of shopping bags worth five times his tuition clung to their biceps; following you mindlessly like brain-dead zombies to load them in to the back of your sports car among countless others he can’t name.

You live a glamorous life in your tiny 6 inch heels and perfectly styled curls, dainty sunglasses buried pristinely on top of the crown of your head like embedded jewels that could feed a whole country if you ever bothered to auction them.

But he’s known of your prima donna life since he first started volunteering at a nearby animal shelter in high school, watching discreetly behind the shelves of donated food as you squat down to coo at a siamese the shelter’s been homing for years. Every Sunday he would wait for you patiently to enter through the double doors with your black Hermès handbag, all to drop it off in the volunteer room to change in to a poorly weaved ‘volunteer’ apron so you could help clean the cubicles and cages.

Kai doubts anyone else on campus has seen you more authentically than he has. After he stopped volunteering there he would take the longer route on his walk back to his apartment, walking past the shelter just to peep if your flashy sports car was still parked there as usual on Sunday. He doesn’t know when he pushed the whole ‘puppy love’ agenda by having a fat crush on you, he doubts you even notice him among the list of all the other guys head over heels for you.

”My friend Momo told me you’re a genius isn’t that like so crazy? Can’t believe people like you really exist and aren’t some super duper realistic robots made to only study maths and science. Oh my God- do you watch shows? Do you like..know who Rihanna is?”

His mouth drops absurdly in confusion; did he really seem that out of touch and abnormal to you?

“I do..maybe it doesn’t seem that way.”

What comes next is not what he was expecting because you’re clutching on to your stomach howling in laughter which only makes him frantic and wave his hands about to quiet you down before you both get kicked out of the library.

“Ahah- awhh, you’re so adorable Kai. I was only joking~ don’t get your panties in a twist over it.” Something please swallow him whole right now so you can’t see the beet red starting to grow on his face.

“Psst! Come on Y/N!! Sunghoon’s gonna take us carpooling downtown, don’t cancel on us now.”

An ecstatic Sullyoon rocks against the metal frame of the balcony above the library, beckoning you to join her and your other friends in to skipping classes again.

“Wait! I’m coming give me a second!” Packing the blank-paged note book and pens in to your bag you lock eyes with the strands of hair still blocking his,

“Sorry Kai! I know this isn’t ideal but I need to go like really really desperately so I’ll text you the details for the next session yeah?” A phone slides right in front of him on complete brightness which makes him wince, an empty contact page. The second he types in his phone number you hurry off in to the distance, the six inch heels strutting away still rings in his head minutes after you leave the library, still giddy he finally got to talk to you.

Out on the college parking lot is Sunghoon’s parked Cadillac convertible with a couple of girls including Sullyoon and Momo leaning against it while they conversed with him.

“Hey princess.” The taller male whistles at you with an all-too recognisable girl sweetly attached to his arm.

“Why call me over if you’ve got company? I don’t carpool if I’m not in the passenger seat.” Your hand digs in to your handbag for a pack of tissues which you offer to Rue, who’s still clinging on to Sunghoon’s arm.

“You’re starting to sweat on your nose beautiful, we don’t want that in your car do we Hoon?” A voice so alluring could make Sunghoon sign off to enlist his whole life serving in your name, triggering Sullyoon and Momo in to boisterous laughter when he shakes Rue off him slightly too aggressively to save her any face.

“Quick, hop in losers!” Sullyoon beckons.

“Ugh fuck!” The discarded girl watches as you buckle yourself in to the front seat of the leather-back rest as a slender hand tussles through your hair to frame your face in harmony with the sun.

“Oh, and tell your brother thanks for the manicure by the way~ Ask him if my cunt tasted good.” With that, Sunghoon presses down on the accelerator which carries you out of campus grounds and on to the high way with dangerous ease.

“Wooo!! You’re such a bitch Y/N don’t get me wet now.” Momo leans forward and swings her arms around you with a beer can loosely held in her hand, a smile forms on your face watching Sullyoon drag her back in to the back seat before they got fined for not having seatbelts on at this speed.

“What else can you expect of our college princess? That bitch really has some nerve trying to climb in to our circle through Hoon, and you horny fucker let her!” An aggravated Sullyoon kicks the back of Sunghoon’s seat playfully all the while recording the blocks of apartments and houses flash by in laughter.

“I think she’s quite cute is she not? Still pales in comparison next to you though.” Additional warmth from Sunghoon’s hand resting on your thigh triggers you to open your mouth again,

“Gross, you’re like a brother to me Hoon.”

“Oh really? Sunghoon told us he fucked you stupid at the birthday party he threw for you.”

And this is why you should’ve kept your loud mouth shut.

A questioning eye burns through Sunghoon’s conscience,

“Hoon!! Why would you tell them that?! And for clarification I fucked him stupid, not the other way round and it sucked.”

Sunghoon chuckles but with an underlying tone; like he’s pissed off by your bold accusation (the truth) because it hurt his fragile masculinity by a mile.

“Sounds like someone needs to get laid.”

“Yeah, I’m aware, thanks Hoon.”

“Didn’t I tell you to try out Winkchat?” Just hearing the words come out of Sullyoon’s mouth makes you groan in frustration.

“I have standards baby, I’m not going to fuck the first guy I see on my recommended because his limp dick flashed me when I opened up the goddamn app.”

“But the moment you hit gold like Sullyoon did with her man you’ll be addicted literally.”

Fine. You’ll give the stupid sexting app another chance.

Unlocking your phone you swipe among hundreds of other apps to tap on to the pink icon, thousands of message requests and notifications flooding your account with just a photo of your face and an a-line shirt is enough to drive any man crazy in this day and age.

As you expected to see on the explore page, another tiny weiner pic. No chance.

Some gym bro in Manhattan who spent all his effort in his arms and no where else and now looks top heavy, laughable.

And a man who dresses like we’re stuck in the 1800s.. what great luck do you have.

Just as you’re about to swipe off the app and delete the tab your thumb accidentally swipes to the next profile.

A subtle picture of a hand discreetly lifting up a band tee, teasing, revealing only a fraction of dimly shaded but defined abs under neath from a low angle, a long etched dragon tattoo running between the ridges of muscle and painted with a slight beauty mark.

There’s no face in any of the profile’s slides at all but it’s enough to captivate your eye, ranging only from pictures of his abs to a video of him playing guitar, a freshly made account by the looks it with nothing else in the bio except his age and the city you were also in. Jack pot, a straight friend request to user ‘kkh.txt’.

An arm reaches to snatch your phone away out of your hands. “You’ve been silent this whole time because you’re back on Winkchat tut-tut, knew you’d be hooked. And hey who is this!! He’s got a hot bod, shame you can’t see what he looks like.” Momo snatches the phone off Sullyoon to inspect the same montage of abs, tattoos and guitar playing videos.

“I can tell he’s hot just by looking at the posts, he’s not pushy with it or flashing his shit, he knows he’s sexy as hell geez.”

“Not that I care about what he looks like, that tattoo on his stomach fuckk come my way!” You snatch your phone back and take a couple of screenshots of his profile to save for..later. But Sunghoon has other plans,

“Let’s head to the tattoo shop actually I’ve been wanting to-“

“Don’t even think about it Hoon. I’d actually retch on the spot if you came out with one of those tacky poorly coloured rose tattoos.” Momo jokes, which sparks more anger in Sunghoon’s already fuming head.

“Ah! I forgot I was going to ask, how’s that nerd who’s tutoring you? Is he not super sweaty in that hoodie?”

How were you supposed to know Sullyoon?!!

“Hmm, he’s a bit awkward and all over the place. But he’s quite cute actually, in the sense that he’s entertaining to watch because he flinches at everything.” The events of trying to brush away his hair replays in your mind again, yeah he’s probably never felt a woman’s touch before.

“So would you fuck him?” Sunghoon mutters through gritted teeth like he’ll explode if you said something he didn’t like.

But honestly? Yeah you’d fuck a nerd. It’s the ego boost that really gets you going and the way they practically yearn for a bit of action on their virgin dicks, exactly your type really as much as you’d hate to admit.

“Why not, he’s got pretty lips and he’s tall.”

“Eww!! The bar is in hell girl.” Momo sticks two fingers in her mouth and retches a fake gag.

“Watch it be the next new trend to fuck nerds the moment word gets out that she does, that’s so fucking hilarious!”

All the talk about it being gross doesn’t put you off though, in fact it only intrigues you further, what if Kai could eat pussy like a champ? It’s not like it’s a crime to try is it?

“I can’t believe her.” Taehyun scowls through his bared canines. He jabs his cutlet with a plastic fork from the campus’ canteen and lifts it on to Kai’s plate.

“Hearing her name is enough to ruin my appetite.”

Kai, who gladly accepts the cutlet, pays no mind to the start of what’s going to be another of those ‘Taehyun’ rants about you that never end. Instead his eyes are glued to his faint reflection in the glass behind his best friend.

“I think she’s quite nice. Better than what you’d expect from how devilish you describe her.”

“Because she is the devil Kai! Have you not been listening to all those traumatic sufferings I’ve had to deal with since 5th grade because of her?” Taehyun pushes up the round thick glasses back up his nose, the outdated kind you’d expect to see in a retirement home and not someone in their early 20s.

“I think you’re being dramatic Tyun.”

“You think I’m being dramatic? That spawn from heck freaking ditched you thirty minutes early today! She treats people like they’re insects.”

Not that Kai would mind if you treated him like an insect, he’s already over the moon that you acknowledged he exists today.

“Do you think I should get a haircut?”

The suddenness of the question knocks the air out Taehyun’s lungs, causing him to cough and spit all over his (and Kai’s) food, a hand quickly grasping for water which only makes it worse.

“W-what?! Since when did you care so much about how you looked Kai..I thought you liked it long!”

He does like it long, but he also wants to prevents another woeful incident where he flinches away simply because you wanted to move the hair out of his face.

“I do it’s just more..convenient? I might ask Beomgyu if he can take me to his uncle’s barber shop later once he finishes Chess Society after lunch.”

The answer is straight from the heart and sincere so of course Taehyun can’t say no! Not to an angel like Kai who people pleases everyone at the chance.

That’s when he sees it, a small ping!- that lights up his phone to reveal a lock screen of some anime character you for sure wouldn’t be able to name.

‘y/n.553 sent you a chat request, chat back to her now ❤️🔥’

His eyes nearly jump out of his head. It can’t be, right? Just someone with the same name, just a mere coincidence.

“I’ll catch you later Taehyun I need to go submit in something.”

Regardless of the other man’s bewildered cries, he leaves in a hurry with his phone clutched tight in his clammy hands and right in to the men’s bathrooms. Not the greatest place he could hide his screen right now but it’s all that came to mind.

Defintely you. He can’t mistake that face for anyone else. Your profile isn’t even completed, only filling two out of three slides with a selfie and a beach photo that you also posted to your instagram, but the flame next to your name suggests you’re receiving loads of requests and a hot topic anywhere, even on dating apps.

Originally, he created an account to boost his confidence about the abs he worked on all through last summer after being stuck on gym propaganda while Beomgyu was crashing at his apartment; except Beomgyu’s motivation to become the bulky ‘jock’ and not a neek he aspired to be died within the first week of training.

It’s what pitched Kai to get a tattoo in the first place when he realised how big of a turn on it was for women who started to flood his profile with messages. Nothing more nothing less than a side practice to keep his confidence up a bit when he was basically invisible to the rest of his peers in real life.

Though this, this is different. Something more electrifying, experimental and dangerous if he had the guts to reply back; a shaky index lightly hovers over the ‘message’ button next to your icon, shit he’s doing it.

y/n.553: Youre hot. Where did u get the tattoo frm

Truth be told Kai doesn’t know how to make an impression on you, all he knows is that as long as you’re unaware it’s him, he can make as bold of a persona as he likes.

You: Downtown at Ink-lution. Heard of it before pretty?

y/n.553: No but it sounds niche thats so hot

y/n.553: thats the equivalent of buying me a necklace and choosing Chopard

All the names you’re throwing at him are cryptic in his mind, still thinking of what to respond without letting his awkwardness seep through as he leans an arm against the stall door.

you: yeah I wasnt gonna get it at first but im glad I did.

y/n.553: Asking for a friend do you have more ab pics x

Ab pics? Now? He infers you must’ve liked the profile he’d meticulously picked out if you were asking not so secretly for more pictures of his abdomen. Kai’s not going to say no to you though, he’s more enthusiastic than he ever has been to lift up the entirety of his hoodie just below his nipples and test a couple of angles and lighting. Must’ve kept you waiting with how long it took for him to decide on which to send out of the billions he took, but he settles on a simple photo, leaned back against the stall door and a full shot of his abs only on surface level, but if your eyes wandered you’d spot the purposely unzipped fly of his jeans to reveal a pair of black Calvin Klein boxer briefs.

When he hit send he expected a quick thank you or something commenting on the photo, but after 5 minutes there was nothing on your end making him doubt in all the decisions he made in taking the photo or even the way he texted you since the start.

Yet through the screen he can’t see the sweat beading down your forehead nor the hand snug between your thighs. Your back arches like a sculpture from the comfort of your mattress as your fingers naïvely dance around your core, flicking and rubbing mindlessly at a sore clit you just can’t seem to get the pleasure out of to orgasm!!

There’s no way in telling whether the unzipped fly was intentional or not but the subtle naughtiness of it makes your mouth drool at the thought. Whoever this was you needed to fuck, now, like real bad.

Stained fingers are wiped along the bare of your chest as you swipe off the photo to send a voice message, needy and dripping with want.

“Can you..please say something crazy, fuck I’m gonna lose my mind.”

Kai jumps from how breathy you sound, instinctively turning down the volume just so he could hear your voice. He thinks he’s going to go insane from how desperate you sound through breathless panting; you’re touching yourself to his photos and that’s enough to make his knees buckle in and tighten his boxer briefs.

He checks to make sure no one else is within earshot of him before he says the most humiliating line in his decades of living; something completely stolen from a crappy porn site he found himself on a couple days ago. He nervously presses down on the record button and hushes his voice an octave lower than usual,

“Be a good girl and cum for me.”

Looks as if you couldn’t decipher that the voice belonged to him because you only respond with a photo of your dripping cunt, leaking your juices on to your bed sheets where two manicured fingers spread open your gaping hole.

y/n.553: want you to fill it up, pls?

Slight confession though- Kai’s never touched let alone sexted a woman before, he’s still vaguely new to the whole sending nudes thing; but the ache in his pants and the lewd material enveloping his brain only increases his blood pressure by gallons directly headed towards his dick.

He remembers watching a guy do a whole step to step tutorial on how to jerk off extra good, having to lubricate his hand with a glob of his own spit and giving himself a couple of beginner strokes. Whenever his hand lightly rubs along one of the sensitive veins that grows thicker towards the base of his cock he hisses, having to pause or else he’ll cum on the spot just from imagining you.

[kkh.txt sent you an attachment]

Your jaw fucking drops is an understatement.

Withdrawing from your attempts at a second orgasm and sitting up straight on your bed to analyse the dick pic the anonymous user had sent was a new experience for sure.

He’s huge. God he’s monstrous even. Coke can girth you’d only expect to see on those heavily edited porn thumbnails and curved with a bulbous tip which sits prettily above the bulging veins leading to it. A pearl-like bead of pre-cum emerging from his pink dusted tip!! <3

There’s pretty much hearts in your eyes as you rush towards your wardrobe of your secret stash of sex toys hidden in a glittery pink box below your handbag collection; a couple of handcuffs and vibrators are strewn against the carpet in the process but you eventually find what you were looking for.

A 7.2 inch silicone dildo you stupidly assumed you could handle when you bought it six months ago, but the stretch of it was so insane you couldn’t think properly as you tried to sink down on it, and now when you compare it to the picture the anonymous tattoo guy had sent you can immediately tell the flimsy piece of silicone was no match for him.

y/n.553: ❤️

y/n.553: how big r u? looks huge

Kai gulps because he genuinely doesn’t know, he’s never thought of himself as huge even if he knew he definitely wasn’t small down there either. If he was attempting to measure with his hand which isn’t too far off the size of his dick then he guesses it would be around 8 inches.

kkh.txt: Uhm, never rlly measured but im guessing 8 inches.

8 inches?!! You’d have to make a trip to the ER if you ever let that thing inside of you!

You crawl to the full length mirror and spread your knees apart to sit back down on your legs, the dildo placed in the gap between as you watched where it reached in the mirror to quickly snap a photo.

y/n.553: This is only 7 inches..imagine how full youd make me feel with 8..

Kai’s face burns as he observes the way your hand points at where you’d feel him in your stomach, there’s something so sexy in the way you talk that makes Kai feel light headed and drunk on your sex energy. All he can think of is how he’d absolutely break you if he ever got too harsh with you and if that’s the case he’s fine with paying any medical fees !!

Over the past week you’ve dedicated all your time you usually would spend on shopping or getting your hair styled has been directly spent on messaging the hot tattoo guy on WinkChat. Momo’s right- the moment you’re hooked it’s impossible to stop.

Except one thing that’s frustrating you out of your mind and the sole reason for the graying hairs ready to pop out of your scalp any moment now; you seriously know nothing about the guy and it doesn’t sound like he’ll ever share anything about him or his whereabouts before you could even get a taste of the big dick heaven that should be awaiting you.

Which is why you’re complaining to Momo over the phone right now with a bowl of acai in your hands,

“I’m telling you girl he’s got the biggest dick I’ve ever seen in my life. Oh my god I sounded like a virgin there didn’t I?!”

“Whatt? Even bigger than San in business?” Momo queries, you can hear the soft buzz of tv in the background of her audio; what a bitch! Is your dilemma not entertaining enough for her or something?

“Ehh, San’s big but he’s got no flair to it you know? Feels more like a stone pillar fucking me rather than a monster cock.”

A line of laughter erupts from the other end of the phone at your joke but Momo doubts a faceless guy blessed in the below will be any different to San.

“Ugh it completely skipped over my head that I have tutoring today! The moment my dad sets foot on the soil of this country again I’m going to complain.”

“Tell the nerd guy you’re seeing to tutor you at your house instead of the library, the college princess caught in that stink chamber? No thanks.”

Groaning, you end the call in annoyance, walking up to the pink double doors that led to the marble tile of your walk in closet. Not feeling the miniskirt today you nimbly waiver your hands over the racks of unnecessary clothing starting to build up as clutter.

A light pink baby tee? You wore something similar last week- can’t do that.

Pair of Ed Hardy jeans? It’s way too warm to be wearing those.

Milkmaid tops you’ve never worn in your life? Possibly could work but you’re sure there’s something better, something that would make Kai convulse and foam at the mouth if he saw you.

Got it.

Where were you? Kai’s been sat patiently at the study table he’s reserved for the tutoring session for at least 20 minutes and you still haven’t appeared strutting through the doors. Perhaps you were sick and just forgot to tell him? Or you overslept on accident all the way to 12:45 in the afternoon? It’s okay, he’ll just finish off his thermodynamics extended project in the mean time.

“So sorry Kai! I know I’m late I just had to go to the drugstore it’s super urgent- my favourite La Mer lipgloss ran out and I can’t live without it!”

But Kai can barely register a word you’re saying when you walk in through the doors dressed like this; a blue cropped button-up top which is tied just below your chest to reveal a smidge of your white-laced bra and a pair of light denim shorts branded with diamonds that spelled ‘hot’ across the globe of your ass. Your stomach is on full display which only makes Kai oggle harder retracing to the conversation a couple nights before.

He indirectly measures with his eye how far he would really go if he entered you and believe it or not he doesn’t think it’s humanely possible.

“Still have time to stare through those bangs of yours?” You chuckle loudly at him watching as the timid male be in denial so quickly about you catching him staring, not that you minded or anything if he really was.

“I-I didn’t mean to stare it’s just..don’t you get d-dresscoded for wearing that?”

Shoving his laptop and a couple of loose sheets in to his backpack for him you lean down over the table to try and meet his gaze despite the hair being a barrier,

“Honey, have you seen the art majors? I doubt the college board cares and plus I wanna sit at that table over there, not here.”

Kai can’t even retort back to you even if he’s worried that someone’s reserved the desk for later, distressingly following behind you as you guided him to the very back of the library even he didn’t know about!!

Turns out if you wandered far enough behind the foreign language books that not many people ever think to visit you’d find a small table with cushioned benches to study on.

“Woah..how do you know about this place?”

“My dad donated the chairs and tables for the library so this is the spot my friends and I used to use when we wanted to skip classes, isn’t it sweet?” A sleekly glazed wooden table becomes racked with Kai’s study materials and your once again empty note book and pen within seconds.

The pen in your hand taps lightly against your lip in a rhythmic motion, suddenly deep in thought about something as you made yourself comfortable on the benches.

“I don’t know the answer Kai.”

A confused male looks up from his laptop screen to gaze at you, tilting his head befuddledlby at your strange statement.

“Wha..what? I haven’t asked any questions yet..”

A new set of fresh acrylics tap gently at the pop quiz sheet Kai had constructed to see where you were at in your basically non-existent knowledge of chemistry.

“I don’t know anything on that sheet Kai, we’re going to have to go basics.” You jut your lip out in to a pout and play with the loose thread emerging from Kai’s sage cotton sweater at the wrists,

“Can we start off slow?~ I don’t think I can handle all of it.”

It’s like a massive lump has just blocked his ability to speak since your effect on him is so strong, he’s unsure of whether you know how teasing your words can sound in a different context or if you’re just really empty-headed and all-over-the place.

“Uhm..y-yeah. Should we start off with atomic structure then?” His stutters become more prominent the more he feels under pressure from your sly gaze; brewing something scandalous in your irises as you take the image of a nervous Kai as your key ingredient.

“Okay so..uhm there’s quite a lot of note taking in this part so if I go uh..too fast just let me know.”

The bubbling curiosity within you is distracting yourself from the familiarity of his voice you can’t quite put your finger on, all too focused on wanting to see the eyes of the bashful nerd you’ve got on your hands for the next hour.

“So the basics are that the atom consists of protons and neutrons in the nucleus and- nghh.”

One hand flies straight up to slap against his mouth, completely in utter shock at the explicit moan that sounded through his lips, another hand holding strictly against the flat of your heel which was pressed directly over his crotch to restrict it from moving any further.

His mouth is open wide in shock and quivering like he’ll bust if you moved your foot a single inch,

“I didn’t get the rest of that Kai, can you repeat it?”

Kai looks over with near tears in his eyes, there’s no way this is happening right- did you finally figure out kkh.txt was him? His whole world is flipping upside down as the growing erection in his sweats becomes more unbearable by the second; he can already see the headlines of college gossip coming after him- ‘pervert nerd gets hard in the library over a heel’. Fuck he’s doomed.

“U-uhm. So..” His voice can’t seem to pick back up on the information dump he was spouting seconds before, quivering lips and a shaky voice like he’s about to start crying.

“The electrons..are fuck, they’re in fixed energy s-shells we learnt that in middle s-school.” The grip on your heel is tight, but all that you need is to slip your foot out of the restraints, dragging down the flexing muscles in his thigh from how stiff he’s becoming, it’s cute really.

“Are we..are we really going to do this here?” His voice cracks as he shivers from your touch,

“Well, do you want me to continue Kai? No one will spot us back here~”

No words come out of him with the exception of a hum and a weak nod.

“Kai, I need words, will you let me make you feel good?”

There’s tears awaiting to spill from his eyes because he’s so embarrassed that this is how his first time is headed, but he would sell his soul for you to touch him just once, so hard in his sweats he might come undone from your gaze alone.

“Please..want it” In a voice so meek and timid all you can do is coo at him, turning around the table to stand up in front of him with a finger glamourised with rings that felt cold and bared against the clammy warmth of his cheek and it’s like he doesn’t even try to breathe when you’re in front of him.

In one swift motion you lift up the soft trenches of hair covering his eyes to reveal a set of soft brown irises; endearing and fucking gorgeous?!! Kai’s inherited the kind of eyes that make men go to war with how soft and pleading they are; beautifully adorned with glistening tears from how desperate he is for release adjourned with the rosy speckles dusting his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. The whole sight is everything you want in a man- weak, pining and tearful just for you !! ><

The absolute control you have over his lust only dampens your victoria’s secret panties you’re sure to gift Kai later for how good he’s being for you right now, leaning down to give him a quick peck he’s scrambling all the depths of his mind to figure out how to respond to.

“God you’re so adorable I fucking crave for cute nerds like you Kai, wanna see what you’ve got under the-“

“C-can I keep the sweater on?” Kai questions in a soft tone, but seriously? Fucking in a library with a sweater on? Whatever, he’s probably just over complicating things or doubting his frame but you could care less about any of it right now; especially when you’ve become engrossed with the natural-born pleading face this man just comes with!!

You give him a quick nod before removing the headband from your head and brushing back his bangs with it gently,

“Wanna see your face when I make you feel good okay pretty boy?” Shit. Kai could cum untouched right now with how you’re making his mind spin with the compliments, his thought process is lagging behind ten times its normal rate when you lean down to pull down his sweats with a hooked finger.

But in that tiny head of yours you couldn’t imagine Kai to be any bigger than around 4 inches assuming that he’s never been able to reach a girl with it. Likewise, you even prepared to ruin him with your throat alone; he looks as if he’d be so easy to excruciate pleasure out a tiny dick, he’d probably cum within seconds <3

But for Kai to be about 8- no, more than that with how it’s still growing in your hand, probably 8.2 inches and thick enough to tear your mouth if he really wanted to..

All colour drains from your face as you admire in both shock and fear..honestly you don’t even know if you can even handle a monster like this, the thought of it entering you sending shivers down your spine. You don’t even realise you’re drooling on to the floor from staring at the way your hand can barely wrap around the circumference of it. Who knew a nerd packing all of this would’ve slipped right under your nose?

Kai’s not keeping up well either, clenching down on his teeth and gripping the edge of the bench as best as he can to prevent himself from leaking anymore trails of precum from his painfully red tip. He just can’t help himself when he sees you on your knees all laid out prettily for him as your eyes sparkle every single time he twitches when your finger runs along his vein. His breathing fastens when he locks his eyes on the slight curve of your chest as you admire him so openly- boosting his ego to the moon.

“Kai..you’re- you’re fucking huge. I don’t know if I can take it.” You whine and point a dainty finger at your throat with a pout, brows in panic from imagining the stretch like you’re telling him he’s too big for you to handle, too big for you to fit all of him in and Kai has to hold back from releasing all over your face if he deeps your words again too much.

Nonetheless you’re still begging to get a taste of him now that you know his true potential. Giving sweet little kitten licks around his flushed tip, using two fingers to lightly squeeze around it for another glob of precum to leak out of his slit.

“Taste so good pretty, just be good for me okay?”

Your unoccupied hand reaches to fondle Kai’s balls as your pop his tip fully in to your mouth, lapping your tongue around in a swirling motion which makes him shut close his eyes and dig his fingernails in to the cushion of the bench even further.

Pulling off of him with a pop!- A glob of spit lands in your hand, the strings of saliva still connected to your lip as you lube his cock with your fluids, preparing yourself before hand so you have a better attempt of taking him all in !! <3

The heaviness of his cock twitches uncontrollably as you twist your wrist along his shaft, the receptors in his veins pulsing and sending waves of pleasure in to his blood stream every time you squeezed a bit too hard around one of them.

“P-please ah! Don’t tease..” Poor boy has tear stains around his eyes from how hard he’s constraining himself, his thighs are flexed so hard they’re seconds away from cramping and his lips are on the verge of drawing blood if he bites down any harder.

“Mmhm.” You hum around him as you start to take him in deeper, not even half way when you have to stop to let your throat adjust, suctioning around him so tightly he’d rather die than let you go. The moment you feel your throat retract you push further down past half way until it physically felt impossible for you to reach or deepthroat, using your hand to jerk whatever length you couldn’t reach.

The usual neatness of your hair comes apart in seconds the moment you start to pick up the pace, head bobbing up and down as you tie your hair with your other hand in to a makeshift ponytail. Occasionally, you’d gag whenever you felt his hips start to buck in to your throat with need, the extra unexpected length pushing you to tears.

The obscenity of the lewd noises of fluids and spit, whenever you lips detached from it to lick long stripes along the curve of his cock, mascara starting to collect at your undereye from tears caused by the stretch of him in your throat.

Kai believes he’s on a completely different universe by now. There’s no thoughts in his head apart from how pretty you looked and how close he was to cumming down your throat, the scene so erotic it’s more addicting than any other variation of porn or hentai he’s ever watched in the sanctity of his apartment- fuck it’s more than that, he wants to burn this image of you in to his mind forever so that he can use it for later.

“Shit Y/N nghh! I’m going to cum you need to augh!- wait..” The blissed male attempts to pry you off of him with screwed shut eyes fearful he was going to cum down your throat, but you do anything but that. Instead you nuzzle your chin all the way down to the furthest point you can reach and jerk him off; waiting for the warmth of his cum to shoot far down your throat for you to swallow.

“W-wait!! I really am going to cum, fuck mmh!~ I-is it really okay?” Whatever he’s pleading doesn’t matter because the next thing you know he’s splurging the thickest load you’ve ever had to swallow, dragging down your throat with high viscosity. Some of it drips down the corner of your lips as he smears his sensitive tip along your beaming smile.

“You did so well for me baby, you’ll have to let me do this more often- wanna see how far I can really go.” Opening up a pack of makeup wipes you clean up the mascara stains and pack your things up, leaving Kai speechless, hot and bothered and also another tutoring session gone to waste.

“I need to see results. Going to tutoring and coming back with no notes is never going to stick in your brain.” The bellow of your father’s voice echoes through the halls of your empty house- he’s come back from his annual business trip and what do you have to show you’ve been working? Absolutely nil, zero nothing.

Groaning, you call over a nanny to set up the plates, you’re not going to sit down for dinner with a father who’s going to moan at you all day for making you choose a course you can’t do!

“I am working !! We went over like electrons and proteins and stuff of that sort.”

“By working you mean pressuring someone in to telling you all the information while you post all sorts of stupid photos!”

“It’s instagram you old fart! The version of like facebook or something for your millennia! Anyways I need to go because Megan’s calling me to go shopping with her at the night plaza asap.” Earrings and hoops among other clattering items like studded belts and heels ring behind you as you start to walk off in the same clacky-heels you always wear.

“I’ve suspended all of your bank accounts.”

“Nice try father, stores still use cash nowadays.”

“The maids found your cash stack in the small compartment below your vanity.”

That’s your breaking point.

“Father!! You can’t just let them go snooping in my room like that!” Oh you’re fuming- what’s going to happen next? They find your secret sex toy collection and then your father’s going to have to take away your closet?

“Tell the boy who tutors you to come around next Friday for dinner, I want to see that you’re at least trying to learn.”

“Fine! But only if you hand me back everything after.” Boiling with rage you shove past the maids by the door and up the cold marble stairs, if you weren’t aiming for more hair growth this summer you would’ve definitely ripped out more than a couple strands by now.

Reaching your bedroom you finally slump on top of a pile of eiderdown pillows, whipping out your phone to message Kai about the arrangement.

Speaking of Kai, you think you’ve gone insane.

Ever since you left the library that day you couldn’t forget the imprint of his dick in your throat and the needy look in his eye. His moans were literal heaven to your ears, so sensitive and breathy you seriously couldn’t get enough of it!! However the downside now is that you can’t even get off your fingers anymore because now all that you desire is Kai, like he’s drugged you with some sort of addictive attraction towards him that only pushes you to want for more.

A quick dial to your ex fuck buddy Soobin should get him off your mind right? He’s got that same yearning face in him although less intense than Kai and you can bet your whole LV collection on him that he’ll show up to your door in less than 5 minutes if you really needed him to.

“Hello?”

“Hey Binnie, can you come over? I got in to an argument with father.” You mewl a little to make yourself seem as pitiable as you can.

“So, let me get this right. You’re asking to fuck?”

“Bingo! You got it Binnie so can you like please come over in five?”

The long and weighted sigh on the other end of the line does not sound like good news.

“Can’t, sorry princess I’m out of the country right now. Goodbye.”

Soobin ends the phone call without another word which only makes you dead pan at the white contact screen again.

“Ugh fuck you Choi Soobin! Couldn’t he be a little bit more considerate?” You turn to lay on your back and open up WinkChat, not even needing to scroll down to find his username at the top of the chats.

you: send me a vid of u masturbating now.

kkh.txt: now??? im at a friend’s apartment.

you: please??

Quickly snapping a photo of your exposed boob barely covered by the padding of your finger is all the anonymous user needs to take his sweet time in recording what you wanted.

“Hey..Taehyun I’m gonna use the shower okay?”

Taehyun scribbles away a couple of notes while watching a league of legends game play at the same time, only having the brain power to send Kai a quick thumbs up before he disappears behind the doors of his apartment bathroom.

Kai’s fucking hard. Every single photo of you tortures him internally when all he can think about is the feeling of your tongue wrapped so prettily around him. He zooms in to the photo eagerly to peek at the swell of your tit, instinctively looking around to see if anyone was around despite being isolated in a bathroom out of shame for being so dirty.

A nosebleed is going to come flowing down his nose any second now was he turns on the shower, letting the pitter-patter of water hopefully drown out the sounds of his moans as he sets up his camera directly facing his naked self sat on the toilet lid but cut off from revealing his face.

The camera starts recording and he’s already lost on what to do, spotting what he thinks is Taehyun’s body lotion that he uses like his life depends on it for his eczema; Kai prays it isn’t expensive as he loads a sample of it on to his palm before lazily stroking down his aching cock.

He wasn’t supposed to bring this with him today, but he was planning on asking you to go on video call later when Taehyun went for his night shift leaving him alone, a fleshlight being pulled straight out of his bag he was intending to use that he bought on a whim.

He starts off guiding the sex toy down his lubed dick, groaning in pleasure at how tight the mound of silicone flesh is around him; he imagines it’s your walls wrapped around him, thought he hopes it would be warmer in side of you than the chill of the bathroom.

“Shit.” Kai picks up the pace and squeezes the fleshlight harder around the tip, his hands moving in a vertical movement as he slides the silicone down the ridges of his cock, squelching Taehyun’s lotion in an explicitly sexual sound which formed a ring of white around the base.

Doesn’t even think to slow down to catch his breath, he completely is just aiming towards chasing the same high you gave him, wrist starting to become lazy as he whimpers whenever the stimulation around his leaking tip gets too much!! Fundamentally he’s fucking up in to the fleshlight now, hips jerking upward whenever the toy would squeeze too hard around his vein with a plethora of whimpers flooding out of his mouth with no restriction. The flitter of the shower starts to steam up around him which only fogs up Kai’s head even more, still thinking about how deliciously your pussy would nestle around him, how you’d leave a pool of slick below him from just how wet you are!! <3

Kai’s knuckles are starting to show the white of his bone from how hard he’s squeezing the moment he feels the same anticipation of release, unable to keep his moans quiet as he spurts ropes of white all over his lap, his chest heaves rapidly while he snaps out of his trance, making sure to leave a taunting message at the end of the video,

“I’d fuck you so good if you let me.” Sent! Straight to your shared chat together,

Sure enough you send him floods of praise, particularly around the flex of his abs around his tattoo when he came.

Just when Kai’s about to properly head in to his unusually ‘longer’ shower a notification rings on his phone.

Y/N^u^: Can you come to my house for tutoring on Friday? Shellsby Manor, XXX-XXX, arrive before 6 k?

Sounds like Professor Jenkins idea considering you two haven’t done any proper tutoring over the last two weeks, but Kai’s more than happy to accept.

”I’m telling you that new VS pushup bra is all the craze right now!! I heard it made Carly’s B cup look like double D’s like what the fuck!?” Sullyoon’s browsing on her phone on her go-to shopping website again. Momo on the other hand has Jake Sim’s head resting between her thighs as she plays with his nest of hair, yikes..

“Stop being a bore I can’t believe I’m actually seeing you study for once.”

“Shut up Jake I need it if I want my card back ugh!!” All the words and key terminology for the up coming assessment is just mumble and letters, at this rate you’re never going to pass without Kai’s help!!!

“Just sleep with him, that’s what all girls do.” Jake replies nonchalantly but the statement rubs you the wrong way- even if you did consider it...is he calling all girls whores?!!

Before you can even do it Momo slaps him away from her,

“Ugh Jake you’re so vile get away!” Sullyoon shrieks and giggles, playfully kicking at the baseball captain which ends up landing at his nuts.

“All of you shut up for a moment I need to focus!” You complain before putting all of your weight on to the arm behind you on the field of grass, you’ve only just finished consolidating chemical reactions but you doubt you’ll remember or properly understand it like this.

“What? Is she going to see that small-dick geek again?” Fuckass Jake didn’t get his balls kicked hard enough because he still has the energy to retort.

“I’m not joking he’s like twice the size of yours.” You snicker before pinching your fingers together to mock an irritated Jake already feeling your work ethic coming to a halt.

“Well maybe if you’d actually let me bang you then you’d know. Because by the looks of it you let every other guy in between those legs.” Jake spits.

Way to ruin your mood Sim Jaeyun.

You pack up your laptop and belongings and spin on your heel to strut all the way down towards the canteen where you know you’d find Taehyun, and therefore him too.

Right in the corner behind the pillar where they can’t be seen spot the same head of blonde hair and an agitating brunette who’s immediately sending warning signals to Kai the moment you head towards their way.

“Hi Tyunnie! Miss me?” You blow Taehyun a kiss before rustling his oddly styled hair gently- eco gel..and jesus christ a whole lot of it.

“Freak off, we don’t want you here.” Taehyun speaks as monotonously as ever, refusing to show any sort of amusement as he swats your hand away from cooing him any further.

That’s when you realise you haven’t greeted Kai yet, turning your head around to see..eyes?

The blonde is rocking a completely different hair cut now, bangs messily trimmed to give him style but also a cleaner look and with more volume than he ever has- it suits him really well you must admit, like the hotties you’d see in the skate parks, except his innocently charming eyes really are the cherry on top.

“Wow Kai new haircut?! Awhh stop you look so adorable!!! You finally got rid of those overgrown bangs.” He attempts to hold back a bashful grin in front of a discerned Taehyun, waving it off as something he’s wanted to try forever when really he knows it’s because of you.

“Well Tyunnie-boo let me borrow Kai for the rest of today okay? Thanks a million!!”

You drag Kai and his belongings with you and straight in to the parking lot where your porsche you haven’t used in ages was parked.

“No lectures later right? I know it’s a bit earlier than scheduled but I might as well take you home with me now right?”

The still timid male looks away from you when he speaks in case his mind wanders off to a bunch of other naughty thoughts again.

“That’s fine..just means we get more tutoring time in.”

Yeah, tutoring time.

Accelerating down the road and in to the hills of where the richest sector of people in your city resided in was a complete shock for Kai, watching people live in these castles they’d call ‘home’ as you speed down in to your own pearly-gated manor.

Kai regrets wearing something so baggy now at a place like this, but there’s not much in his closet if he’s still keen on covering that tattoo he stupidly got with his cousin Yeonjun on his 18th birthday.

“My father may look intimidating but trust me it’s just a habit he’s picked up on from trying to be professional everywhere he goes.” Even the keys to your house is made of some sort of alloy of gold, inside revealing a couple of servants who welcome the two of you towards your father’s office.

Knocking gently you pry, “Father, I’ve got my little tutor friend you wanted to see so bad.”

There’s no response that you can hear from the room nor any sign to come in. A working servant comes over to inform you that he’s at a business meeting that won’t end until late. Great, so he’s not even here.

“I-It’s okay, let’s just get started first!” Kai suggests, which you’re not going to object to because you were planning on it anyways, leading him to your bedroom upstairs down hallways of art and antiques.

This is it, the bedroom you’re always sending photos to him, well, kkh.txt in. The same mirror where it all started lays in the same spot as before as he follows your foot steps towards your couch and social table.

“Real talk Kai, I’m actually going to listen this time because it’s my last shot over the next few weeks to get this down in time if I wanna pass and get my credit card back okay?”

“Should I recap what you’ve done in your own time to see if it’s consolidated yet?” And fuck his voice sounds so hot when he’s concentrated..right, focus!!

By the time both of you are confident you’ve covered most of the heavy content you’re exhausted and so is Kai. Hours of back and forth questions for concepts you couldn’t understand finally stuck in your brain a bit better to the point you could answer most of the simple and intermediate questions. Looking at the time it’s already 7 meaning that you’ve been tutored for 5 hours straight with Kai non-stop, and you feel proud of the hard work too! And a bit smarter, still not his level though.

“I’m going to take a quick bathroom break, when I’m back we’ll move on to more complicated topics and we’ll wrap it up for today!” A tired Kai limps towards your bathroom but in a more comfortable mood than earlier- even his stuttering has calmed down!

And if you were being true to yourself, Kai is exactly your type, the standard really. He’s gentle with you even when you’re frustrated, always offering to make time for you and help, and plus he’s got that begging look and monster cock combination which messes with your head so good!!

Good enough to compel you to swipe on to WinkChat to message your favourite user kkh.txt, thinking of what to type.

‘Sorry, don’t wanna use this app anymore?’

‘Think it’s best we stop this?’

None of it flows off your tongue smoothly but you settle with a short and simple ‘sorry.’ message to him, preparing to delete the app when you hear a ping!- coming from Kai’s phone.

And of course you’re curious! Who else could be messaging the nerd except Taehyun?-

Your eyes bat hardly at the notification,

‘y/n.553 sent a message! Click to chat with her now! ❤️🔥’

Your heart sinks down to your stomach, Kai..the nerd you gave a blow job to in the middle of the library is kkh.txt ?!!!

“Hope I didn’t take too long-“

Seems like it’s a universal thing for everyone’s heart to drop now because Kai’s throat runs dry as he watches the bewildered expression on your face with his phone in your hand. It couldn’t be-

“Kai. You’re…kkh.txt?!!!” No point in lying now is there?

“Uhm wait.. I-I can explain I didn’t mean to hide it from-“

“The tattoo. Show me it.” You walk towards the stiffened Kai who can’t move an inch from where he’s at by the door right now without the interception of you pushing him on to mattress of your bed.

“Go on, that dragon tattoo you have, take off the hoodie and let me see.” He’s never heard your voice drip with so much authority; hell he can’t even understand if you’re angry at him or not for hiding it from you!! The hoodie is discarded of somewhere in the corner of your room, and there it is- the damn dragon tattoo you’ve been craving for ever since you saw it.

Now that you can see his full frame you can understand that everything about Kai is big; he’s towering in height, his shoulders are so broad it’s impossible to not notice now that you’ve seen it even with his hoodie on, the defined muscles that runs down his abdomen and the absolute beast he doesn’t know how to use, but you’re craving it real bad.

“What are you waiting for? Fuck me like you mean it.” Nimble hands hurry to unclasp your bra and remove your tank top, revealing your chest in front of a nervous Kai who now can’t find the strength in him to answer you without moaning.

“W-what?”

“That video you sent. Fuck me like you mean it.”

Memories rack through Kai’s head which makes him mentally face palm at the recollection of his bold statement when he in fact does not know how to fuck nor make you feel good apart from a couple of porn videos he’s seen. He swallows the lump in his throat before looking up to you again with pleading eyes,

“Can I try eat you out?”

Remember when you said a nerd like Kai could probably eat pussy like a champ two weeks ago? Bullseye because the man is fixated between your thighs, lapping at everything you have to offer.

Swear he had no experience at all with cunnilingus yet he’s having no problems in sucking and flicking at your swollen clit with the flat of his tongue, moaning in to your folds repeatedly, every now and then having to put in some sort of comment about how good you taste with tears in his eyes; such a pussy drunk loser it’s adorable.

At some points you’re afraid he’s going to die of suffocation from how hard he’s pressing down on your thighs to keep you in place as you sit directly on top of his face, the weight of you completely over his saliva covered mouth but even when you meekly ask if he can breathe just fine all he does is press his tongue in to your further; swirling his tongue around your entrance and even finding the confidence to enter it.

“Mmh!! Kai fuck!! You can-hah-touch me up here too.”

A wandering hand reaches to clasp on to Kai’s to direct him to your chest, begging him to stimulate your perked and neglected nipples.

“Fuck fuck fuck! Such a good boy, making me cum so good!”

Juices are spilling from your cunt all over a dazed Kai’s face, still shocked from the effect of tasting you on his tongue for the first time, and if he wasn’t eating you out like a starved man this time you shouldn’t even start to imagine how insanely he’d try to eat you out after he’s become addicted to your taste.

A symphony of your heavy breathing and the pulsing of your folds as you catch your breath from being given the best head you’ve ever received from a complete amateur is laughable, looking up to Kai with exhausted but fluttering eyes.

“I haven’t made you cum yet Kai, hah, come on, rest against the pillows over there.”

Stunned and beyond words all he can do is follow your every command like a lost puppy, his hard-on longing for your touch as it twitches hungrily in his briefs.

“N-no condom?”

“Sit back and relax for me okay pretty? No more questions, I’ll do all the work.” Even if you’ve been eaten out by Kai you doubt you can adjust to the stretch of his cock in one go, slightly hesitating and knowing you were going to fuck yourself dumb the moment you started struggling to even fit in just the tip!!

“You’re so big Kai, scared it might rip me.” Pain starts to overwhelm you as you sink down inch by inch on to his cock, whimpers falling out of your mouth in a mantra as you hold on to his shoulders for stability. Kai’s completely silent with his mouth wide open; brows knitted together as he watches the way his cock disappears between your glistening folds, you’re going to fucking destroy him and he knows it, god.

Finally taking in the last couple of inches you rest for a bit, sighing as the initial pain converts in to pleasure from how full you felt, his tip poking right in to your cervix.

“Look Kai, this is how full you make me feel.” His hand reaches to brush against the imprint of the curve of his dick in your stomach, inflicting you to moan when he presses his finger against it,

“Ngh, don’t do that baby, I might cum too quick if you do.” The pet name only makes him twitch inside of you which erupts another moan from the sudden jerk, finally finding the energy in you to lift yourself off of him only to slam yourself right back down.

The sensation of your walls clenching around his as you lifted your hips felt like bliss- better than anything he’s seen in those x-rated movies, watching as you bounced on top of him in swift motions, the base of his cock disappearing and reappearing with every cycle of thrusts as you rode him.

A string of slick connected between your cunt and his pelvis made him moan at how lewd it was, eyes rolling back as he aids your movement with his hands- biceps flexing from hard he’s gripping on to your waist.

“Am I agh!- Better than your fleshlight hm?”

Ten times, no. A thousand times better than whatever he has rotting in his drawers right now, the warmth of your pussy sucking him in is probably the hottest thing he’s ever seen accompanied by the way your tongue starts to loll out automatically whenever his tip slams way too hard past your cervix, completely filled to the brim yet your greedy cunt still yearns for more.

Kai’s expressions are just as you’d imagine, strands of hair messily stuck to his forehead from sweat, his mouth cutely open and unable to form any other sound except mewls and whimpers and the same usual fat tears that roll down to his reddened cheeks whenever the pleasure feels too good! <3 His eyes struggle to keep open as he furrows his brows whenever he feels the heat of your walls clench around him, you really don’t know how badly he wants to just stay buried inside of you forever! ><

Your tits bounce in sync with your pace right above his eyes, watching as they’d swing back up before you slammed down on his aching cock. Kai bites his lip as he slides a hand down to your waist, so lost in the illusion of your pussy he can’t even verbalise how good he feels, instead only being able to claw at the swell of your ass as you continue to fuck yourself dumb on his cock.

Usually you’d never think of yourself as someone who loses dominance with any of your sex partners but the way Kai’s dick turns your brain in to mush needs to be studied because you’re drooling as you continue to ride him sloppier than before.

“Kaii! Shit I feel so full I’m gonna come!”

The continuous slamming of his cockhead against the bundle of nerves the curve of his cock keeps pressing against sends shockwaves through your core, unable to keep your posture up right as you limp on to Kai’s shoulder, biting on the penetrable skin to keep your moans in while you let him buck his hips in to you at a new angle where you can feel everything deeper, more stimulating and more raw.

“Ohh fuck, w-where do I cum? shit-“ Kai continues to ram in to the same sensitive bundle of nerves relentlessly to chase his own orgasm, frantically desperate to get that burning sensation of needing to release again.

“I- I’m on the pill Kai just cum inside please!! Wanna feel full!” Within seconds Kai’s unleashing his seed right in to your cunt, still thrusting to keep it from leaking out despite overstimulating himself in the process- you follow not too long after, unwinding and gushing over him, hot breath fanning on to his neck as you attempted to regain your energy after coming down your high.

“Did I make you feel good?” Kai asks with lustful eyes. His skin is completely flushed pink and sweating, struggling to focus his eyes on anything after the initial haze of such a strong orgasm.

Oh there’s no doubt about that.

Professor Jenkins should be pleased to see that you’re going to ace your summer qualifying exam, because you’ll be visiting this nerd all summer <3

A/N: I had to concise it down A LOT more because I genuinely think would’ve dragged on forever if I let it, but hopefully everything lives up to the hype surrounding it esp with the teaser!!

taglist: @whoisgami , @bingsoob , @1eatlasagna , @pengningie , @angelgraphica , @sanscupid , @cutehoons02 , @cheekycountesschoi , @soupersaldz , @bamtor1sss , @strawberryshoujosundae , @gyutaepie , @bambiihee

[oceantornadoo]

is it cool that i said all that? (5+1 times jack abbot almost confesses his love to samira mohan, pt3) AO3 LINK

-

iMessage

August 7th 9:07AM

Amma: Diwali is October 20th this year.

Me: *Liked “Diwali is October 20th this year.”*

August 19th 1:56PM

Amma: Did you ask for Diwali off?

Me: Sorry, did you ask me to? I must have missed it.

Amma: It’s a Monday. Don’t you make the schedule now?

Me: I’ll see if I can

Call Log - August 28th

Amma………………..10:34AM………………..MISSED CALL

Call Log - September 4th

Amma………………..2:04PM………………..MISSED CALL

iMessage

September 20th 8:47PM

Amma: All of your cousins are coming for Diwali. Priti even delayed starting her new job so she could come. 

Me: I’ll look into flights.

Amma: You know I don’t like you flying. It’s only a five hour drive to Hainesport.

Me: Ok, Amma

October 5th 3:01PM

Amma: Jaan, I’ve made up your old room. 

Me: See you in two weeks!

Amma: Are you ok to drive? I could pick you up.

Me: I got it, Amma

14 days later, Samira did not have it, despite repeat promises to her Amma.

She got a Subaru for a reason. Dependable. Last a decade. Eco friendly. Unfortunately, her 2014 Blue Subaru decided it would last just past a decade, and promptly give up on October 19th, 7:12pm. 12 hours before she was supposed to start her solo Diwali road trip for her five hour journey to Hainesport, New Jersey. 

In the driver’s seat of her vehicle that keeps sputtering, with every available warning light blinking, Samira lets out a frustrated breath. There’s a clinking sound coming from the back right tire, so she quickly shuts off attempts to turn on the engine and lays her forehead against the steering wheel, just for a second.

Moments later, someone is knocking. She picks her head up, bleary eyed and cotton headed. The moon is high above her, which can’t be right because the sun only set a few minutes ago. She turns to address the knocking at her window, only to jump when she thinks it’s a ghost. But it’s just Jack.

“Hello?” She has to open the door since the window won’t roll down. His usual scrub top has been traded for a hoodie, but he’s still wearing those dark green camo pants. “Did something happen to your bed, Mohan?” She blinks, brain not comprehending. “You were asleep.” Oh, no. She looks back and sure enough, there’s godforsaken drool on her wheel. A glance at her phone reveals it to be two hours after her shift, a lovely 9:30pm.

“Fuck.” She can’t be sleep deprived tomorrow. She needs to drive, upright, for five hours and then socialize for ten more. Except she doesn’t have a functioning car now, all the trains are booked (she checked last night), and she doesn’t want to piss off her mom by taking a flight. Even at thirty, that’s still the forefront thought in her mind. She could not go, say work needed her, but things have been better of late, that thread of kinship strengthening between her and her mom. For the first time in a while, she wants to go to New Jersey.

“Huh?” She interrupts whatever Jack is saying. He seems to have been talking for a while, but her brain isn’t taking in any of it. “I was saying I could drop you home. And call one of my buddies to get your car in the morning.” She’ll have said buddy haul this thing to the trash yard. But first… “Aren’t you working?” Sure, he doesn’t usually work with a hoodie, but it’s a little chilly out. Why else would he be here?

Jack scratches the back of his neck, then shakes his head. “Forgot something in my locker.” Ah. She nods, understanding the feeling. Once or twice, she’s even forgotten her phone here, usually due to a lack of reasons for checking it. “I can wait while you go get it?” She asks gently, acknowledging she must take this ride because the bus or an expensive Uber is unthinkable at this hour. Instead of answering, Jack opens her door. She grabs her backpack and steps out, thankful her car can at least lock for the night. “I already grabbed it. Here.” He walks her to his car, and she doesn’t comment on his sudden standoffishness. The night shimmers like a mirage, sleepiness overtaking her with each step to his car, a black SUV that shines in the moonlight. She doesn’t comment on the interior’s military neatness or how Jack held open the door with a hand on her back to help her in. She doesn’t comment on the multiple trauma kits, blanket and pillow in the backseat. And he doesn’t comment on how she falls asleep the moment she utters her apartment address.

A gentle hand is squeezing her shoulder. The weight is foreign, her body only receiving occasional hugs from Mel and shoulder punches from Trinity. “Samira, we’re here.” Samira yawns, shaking the curls that she took out of her claw clip the moment she left the Pitt. In the moonlight, Jack’s eyes flick down to the curve of her neck, then back up again.

“Do you work tomorrow?” She asks congenially, trying to get back into known territory. The eye contact is endurable on a regular night, but not when her brain is reduced to mush. “I don’t work until Wednesday night. You?” He asks. It takes a second for the question to register before Samira shakes her head. “Wednesday morning. I’m supposed to drive to New Jersey tomorrow morning but now I just…” She trails off, her hands slapping her thighs as she drops them from the air they’re suspended in. The impossibility of tomorrow stretches out like a wheat field she’ll see on a road trip; unending. She needs to look into a car rental service, somewhere by the airport. And get some sleep so she doesn’t fall asleep during the five hour drive. With that thought, she gathers her bag and opens the door. His voice, low and rumbling, stops her.

“I can drive you.”

She must be dreaming. Maybe she’s still in her shitty Subaru, asleep at the wheel. Determined to leave said dream, she climbs out of the car onto the familiar curb of her apartment building. “Nice joke. Thanks for the ride, Jack.” When she turns back, he’s rolled down the passenger window so that the force of his stare is all encompassing. “It’s not a joke, Samira. Let me drive you.” She shakes her head again, cool October air running through her curls gently. “It’s a ten hour round trip. I’m sure you have better things to do than be surrounded by my family celebrating Diwali.” He leans forward, a muscled forearm on the center console. She gets lost in the constellation of freckles for a moment, then remembers herself. “Call it cultural research. Broadening my horizons.” Samira snorts at that. Tried to imagine Jack Abbot in his cargos, surrounded by Indian aunties asking why he’s still single.

She wishes him goodnight again, unlocks the door of her apartment, and promptly knocks out on her couch.

When she wakes up and looks out the window one dreamless sleep later, he’s there. Waiting. Her chauffeur in shining armor.

-

He’s pushing it.

Jack Abbot knows how to push. He pushes the limits of medicine whenever he can. He pushes against the notion that people equal numbers on a screen. He pushes against the thoughts that have haunted him for years, that he’s undeserving, that instead of Claire, he should’ve—

He pushes.

Which is what he’s doing here. Pushing. He waits, arms crossed against his chest, as Samira catches his eye from her window. She probably immediately fumbles for her phone, where exactly one (1) text informs her that he’ll be ready at 8am with a fueled car and those chocolate covered pretzels Mel brought that one time that Samira absolutely devoured.

After twelve patient minutes, she comes down with a filled duffle and a cozy knitted blanket, a rainbow of blues and pinks. “I don’t understand why you’re doing this,” she starts, still climbing down her outside concrete stairs. He meets her halfway, dragging the duffle off her shoulder and onto his own. “But thank you, Jack. You don’t know how much this means to me.” Her eyes are the same brown of break room coffee, of too-late nights, of a freshly planted garden. He’s never seen her in shorts, the kind that cling to the lean muscle of her legs and show off more than he’s let himself dream. “Got a buddy in Trenton I haven’t seen in a while. Call it carpooling.” False. Jack knows nobody in New Jersey. He also knows that Bridgette called him an hour after day shift ended and informed him Samira was asleep in her car (something Bridgette saw on her smoke break). Samira nods at the white lie easily, shoulders dropping as if she’s almost relieved he has an imaginary ulterior motive. And it seems like that’s that.

He stops at the cafe she’s mentioned a few times, leaving a sleeping Samira in his passenger seat as he ducks inside. From the outside, it feels like another life, to witness her snuggle around the clearly homemade blanket with her lashes brushing her cheeks. In another life, maybe she invited him to come on this holiday with her, with wringing hands as she asked to not face the wolves alone.

But Walsh’s words echo and he thinks, maybe it could be this life too. Maybe he could push without having to spill the want that lives in his guts in front of her. 

He gets her usual matcha, iced, and a black coffee to sustain him for the drive. She doesn’t even stir when he opens the door, and the utter trust she’s giving him makes his phantom limb ache. He’s never slept through a door slam, a thunderstorm, soldiers stomping, the speaker of his downstairs neighbor years ago. Samira fell asleep before giving him an address, so he sets his mental course for Philly and decides to wake her up in a few hours.

-

She wakes as they’re passing through the outskirts of Philly. Blinks a few times, to make sure she’s really awake. Contemplates pinching herself, but Samira can feel Jack’s eyes on her already, and even that feels a little too far. How normal, to have her night shift attending drive her to one of the most important annual family events she has to attend. Her Amma-

Oh no.

Her Amma.

Samira fumbles for her phone, finding the ten missed texts asking if she’s driving yet, her ETA, if she’ll be here for a late lunch, and does she want to go shopping before the party? Ignoring them all, Samira finds the call button and prays.

“Is this my daughter? Calling me first?” Despite herself, Samira laughs, turning away when she catches Jack’s eye. “Hi, Amma. I’m in the car.” A battered phone open to Maps drops in her lap, and Samira tucks her phone between her ear and shoulder so she can type her address into Jack’s. It seems Jack wasn’t even using the GPS to get to Philly, an improbable trait of navigation she yearns for. “How far are you?” A glance reveals they’re only an hour away, Jack seems to have gotten extremely close to her mother’s house without even trying. All-knowing, like always.

“We’re an hour away.” Silence greets her. Samira even double checks her phone screen to make sure it’s still working. “Ma?” She whispers, her stomach dropping like it did in high school when Amma found out she went to the mall without telling her. Her one and only foray into teenage trouble. “We? Do you have a boyfriend I don’t know about?” Shit. This time Samira does sneak a look at Jack, who’s shaking his head with a slight grin on his face. She tries to imagine it for a moment: Jack Abbot, the boyfriend. With his car that smells like pine and his endless medical supplies in the back. The one who sends her medical journals at all hours. The one who drives her on his days off all the way to another state. “No, no. I ended up carpooling with my coworker. He’s seeing a friend in Trenton.” Amma hums at the other end, clearly multitasking between chopping vegetables and talking to her only child. “You’ll bring him to the party as a thank you for transporting my daughter safely, then.” Samira’s already shaking her head like her mother can see her. “No, I’m sure he has plans and-” A hand on her knee, grounding and kind, stops her words. It’s the first skin-to-skin contact they’ve had on her bottom half, below finger brushes after passing a scalpel or a guiding hand on the back. Or their laced hands months ago, hiding from fireworks in the basement of the hospital.

“I’ll see you in a few, Ma.” Samira says goodbye and hangs up, dropping her brick of a phone in her lap with a harsh sigh. “You don’t have to come to the party if you don’t want to. It’ll be a lot of interrogation.” She warns. Jack squeezes her knee before pulling his hand back, the loss of it infecting her with icy coldness. “Good thing I was in the Army, huh?” This man. She refuses to entertain his antics, shaking her head before leaning against the window. She stays like that the rest of the drive, humming to the soft rock radio music she knows and thinking of the impending party during songs she doesn’t. It’s like that all the way until they pull up to her Amma’s house, a 3-bed 2-bath she got years after her Appa died. They couldn’t handle the familiar creaks of their old house, the loneliness etched into its wood, so when Samira started her freshman year at Penn, her Amma had shopped around and ended up with this. No trace of childhood or loss to be found.

“Since you’re going to see your friend, I’ll see you around 9 for the party. Bring an empty stomach.” The moment he stops the car, she grabs her duffle and blanket and hightails it out. The overwhelming scent of his car and his presence and his middle age music is too much, the familiarity daunting in how non-clinical this situation is. She thanks him and waves him goodbye quickly, so he can’t even think of meeting her Amma before Samira prepares her. The SUV (4WD with tinted windows) drives off slowly, like Jack won’t leave until she starts to approach the house.

She steels herself to greet her Amma, and when the door opens and brown-almost-black eyes, the twin of hers, meet her, it’s a little bit like relief. Their hug is a dose of medicine she didn’t know she needed.

After a hearty lunch and a heartier shopping trip, Samira shuts herself away in her bedroom to get dressed. She’s brought some of her good Indian clothes: a golden blouse she isn’t 100% sure still fits with a white lehenga and golden dupatta. It’s been a long time since she’s worn clothes like this, sewn and threaded by hands just like hers, and they feel a bit like a second skin, aged but not worn. 

iMessage

October 20th 8:15PM

jack abbot *attending*: Forgot to ask, what’s the dress code for this?

Me: Whatever you want!

 jack abbot *attending*: Does this work?

She imagines her ER diagnosis: “30 year old female, South Asian. Tachycardiac with a pulse of 119. Possible causes include a photo of her night shift attending in a dark blue button down, his sleeves rolled up his forearms. Photo also included black slacks patient didn’t even know he owned, and polished shoes almost like he prepared. Diagnosis: panic attack.”

Me: Looks good, see you at 9! 

She closes her phone before she can do something insane, like zoom into the veins on his forearms. Or the way those pants cling to his thighs. Or ask when he got a hotel room and would he like to stay at her house instead?

jack abbot *attending*: On my way

Oh no. He’s early. Of course Jack Abbot would show up at a 9pm invitation at 8:35pm with a bouquet of yellow flowers, squinting against the light that spills from her front door as she opens it for him. The party technically started at 8, which means guests won’t even start to come until 9 and really, it’s more like 9:30. In her house is just Amma and Samira, and now, apparently, Jack Abbot.

“Hi.” She says lamely, one hand braced on the door as the other smoothes down the fabric of her lehenga. Jack’s eyes sweep down the beaded hues of gold and white, and for a second he seems to have a coughing fit. Unintentionally, the yellow lilies pair perfectly with her dress. He thumps his free fist against his chest and clears his throat. “You look nice, Samira.” He says weakly. “You, too.” She replies, feeling like she’s stumbled onto a MVA with no tools but her hands. Jack tries to take a step forward, but hovers, unsure, once he takes in the chalk rangoli etched into the ground. “Oh, you can just…” She gestures for him to walk around and he follows with much more grace than anticipated. Once they’re in, she watches his eyes taken in the marigold decoration strewn over their banister and the candles on every surface.

“We usually keep our shoes off, but do whatever is comfortable for you.” She isn’t sure how much balance he’ll have without a shoe on his prosthesis. Unperturbed, he takes off his shoes, the sock on his prosthesis clearly thicker than the one on his flesh leg, meant to stabilize. “I did some research.” He answers her unspoken question, and Samira gulps at the insinuation he did research for her holiday. His eyes, amber in the light, hold hers far longer than she’s prepared for. 

She guides Jack past the entrance, giving a lame semblance of a tour as they near her Amma in the kitchen. Squaring her shoulders, Samira braces herself before guiding him into the corridor and to her Amma, clothed in a beautiful sage green saree they picked out earlier today. “Jaan, can you put out the sweets and…oh, hello. You must be Samira’s friend.” In that moment, Samira tries to imagine what Jack sees. The same wide brown eyes, her mother’s eyebrows arched more than her own, her nose prouder and her lips a bit thinner. Those familial curls that fall past her shoulders, streaked with grey. 

“Mrs. Mohan, thank you for inviting me into your home. It’s very beautiful.” He hands her mother the bouquet and Samira sees those eyes she could draw blind flutter, a little shiny in the kitchen light. Samira doesn’t know the last time she’s heard the words Mrs. Mohan, let alone pronounced correctly. Amma is probably thinking the same thing, and Samira’s heart twists at the rightness of it all.

“What a kind young man. Come here, you must tell me about what you do for the hospital.” She hands the flowers to Samira, apparently making it her duty to put them a vase, and links her arm with Jack’s, pulling him to the living room where she’s set up her statues. Over his shoulder, Jack sends her a wink that goes straight to her core. 

“Samira, answer the door please!” Her mother orders, walking away with that kind young(ish) man.

-

A few hours later, Jack can’t say he’s not overwhelmed. The house is filled to the brim, a rainbow of color and laughter and light, a fullness he hasn’t felt in a while. Even when he and Claire had hosted holidays, it never had this air of connection. Everyone wants to talk to him, wants to ask about his job and his connection to Samira and if this mole looks like cancer and will you talk to my son about medical school, he’s a sophomore in high school and not convinced yet. No one asks about the wedding ring in his pocket where his left hand lays protectively or how he finds Samira’s silhouette in every room she enters or the 15 odd years between them, even if they’re just friends.  

Samira’s uncle (of which he’s met many of) has introduced him to Indian beer, a bottle he’s currently draining as he escapes out to the porch for some fresh air. The October air is less friendly out here, but it’s a wonderful reprieve from the improbability that is Samira’s family. 

The glass door is forced open, and like he’s conjured her, Samira steps through, an angel bathed in gold. “Thought I might find you out here. New Jersey version of the roof.” She murmurs, and he has to smile because she knows him too well. “Your family is nice.” He replies, staring at the black lines that make her eyes pop. Samira snorts sarcastically. “You keep using that word, Jack. I know they’re…a lot to handle.” He shakes his head, immediately disagreeing. “There might be a lot of them, but they aren’t a lot. They’re welcoming. You’re very lucky.” Her throat works harshly, like she’s holding back a storm of emotions. As someone who’s faced the hurricane that is grief, he can sense this family might be too much for her at times, a reminder of what was lost, but it’s satisfying to know she has people she can rely on. 

She comes to stand next to him, their bodies angled to face the lawn beneath them. Night stretches like the maw of a hound, Samira’s warmth radiating in the inches between them. “Thank you for coming. And for driving me.” She thanks him again unnecessarily, and he’s starting to think people don’t do this kind of thing for her. He can’t imagine why not, why the rest of the population doesn’t kneel in the face of the wonder that is Samira Mohan, but that selfish part of him is glad that they haven’t gotten the memo. That he can be here and shoulder the problems that weigh her down, even if he’s just a friend. 

“My mom doesn’t think you had a friend in Trenton.” It’s a question in not so many words. Samira inches closer, the beads of her dress nearly scraping against the shirt and pants he dug out from the back of his closet. She looks like royalty, like he should be at her altar dedicating the greatest riches in her favor if only for a second of her time or blessing. He focuses back on the truth she’s trying to pry out of him gently, and gives in.

“I don’t know anybody in New Jersey.” He confesses. It’s as close of a confession as he can get before he’s down on one knee. Samira inhales sharply, then finds his hand unencumbered by the beer bottle and tangles it with her own. She squeezes it gently, and if this is all he can ask from her, it’s enough.

“We have a spare room if you want to stay.” She ventures, not catching his eye as he traces the lines of her cheekbones, her jaw, her lips. “That would be nice.” He quips, smirking. She rolls her eyes, huffing. “If you say that word one more time, I’m reporting you for your years of medical malpractice.” He bumps her shoulder, an awkward angle as their hands stay laced, but he’s rewarded with her giggle.

“C’mon, Shakespeare. Let’s get back to the party.”

-

Hours later, Samira feels Jack breathing on the other side of the house. Contemplates walking over and opening his door, clad only in her oversized shirt and pajama shorts. In the morning, bleary and content, she daydreams a domestic scene as he finds them a drive thru cafe that serves matcha. And she falls asleep with a sense of deja vu Tuesday morning, content to snuggle into the safety of Jack’s car and the bubble of the man himself.

And she thinks, maybe, maybe, this could be hers.

[iceclew]

Some added story below

music recommendation, as always :3

----

“Bernard said, you needed something?”

"Henry! Yes indeed. There's an excort planned for Sasau tomorrow. Hanush ordered some additional gifts, quite valuable goods that is. I need you to accompany them, since the roads are pretty stuffed with all sorts of scum at the moment. You'll be heading quite early at daybreak, so be ready, will you?"

“But a trip to Sasau and back is like… at least a day’s effort.”

“Which is why you are heading out early, are you not listening?” a nervous breathed laugher was heard, but Hans did not look up from the book he’s been engrossed in.

“But tomorrow is-”

“I know, what day is tomorrow, Henry.”

…

Henry stood there in silence. Waiting. From experience he could tell Hans’ rough and rushed tone would disappear, once his impatient first impulse subsided.

“…. Listen.”, the lord of Pirkstein and just recently officially recognized lord of Rattay closed the book in front of him with a firm quick movement, before his hands got to rest on its cover.

"I can't…have you here. I can't…do this…to you. I don't want to…force you to be on my side…when I'm…getting married.."

Henry followed Hans' gaze and both ended up starring into the rustling warmth of the fire pit. The wooden pieces cracked tirelessly. Hans must have added new logs to the flame right before Henry entered the room. A certain numbness had settled in Henry's spine days ago. Initially a small inconvenience, it grew to gain weight close to flour sacks by now. Heavy, perhaps even filled with something sharp and dark, hidden deep inside. It was hard and slow work but undoubtedly it had to be taken care of, whether he liked it or not.

"Hm. Hanush will be upset. He personally ordered me to be there, I recall quite well."

“I don’t care about Hanush anymore, Henry… He should have waited with the council’s meeting, if he’s really that picky ‘bout the orders he gives out. Things changed….”

Henry let his eyes be hypnotized by the dancing flames in front of him. A fire, warm and bright. Steady but still dancing with its full force and energy. A sight that had burned itself into his mind months ago, when times were different for them. Burdens far bigger than today’s had been hanging on his shoulders, but the fire pit and it’s warmth still burned for him back then. Just like they did today.

“Get up.”

Barely notable a small smile ran across Hans' face,"Ordering around nobility again, are we Henry? Will you ever learn."

“Please.” Henry was not able to hold back a smile for himself now.

Flames jumping eagerly around the chimney next to him. Hans put down the book he was still holding and got up from his chair. Just like that Henry's fingers were all over his space again. Slightly lifting up his own hand from his side and aimlessly intertwining with his own.

"Whenever being by your side. There is no force with it. There never was, Hans. If you want me to be somewhere else, I'll be. But I will always be right next to you, whenever you want me to. Because I want to, and that desire will always outweigh everything else I'll have to deal with."

The quiet, steady cracking of burning logs finally filled the entire room.

.......................

Fuck it's been quite some time, since I last wrote stuff... like...really storytelling, not just brabbling out all my thoughts about something...

I don't know why but I don't like my Hansry art just ...yet... it's ...not quite... something's still off.... and probably it's just me not able to get out of my brain again with these... therefore I hoped adding some story would get me on track or smth... :)

[charmedimsure]

Silent Nights

pairing: Cahir x reader

summary: After an unexpected battle, you fear that Cahir has grown to resent you

word count: 1.4k

warnings: light swearing, implied smut at the end, canon-typical violence, light spoilers for the books but I tried to keep it vague

A/N: had book Cahir in my head for this one but hopefully it works for the show too. I tried to keep it gender neutral so lmk if I slipped up anywhere A/N part 2: I wrote this so long ago and forgot to post it so i'm just gonna do it now haha

The battle on the bridge over the Yaruga had put a small stop to your mission. Most of the company had obtained injuries in the battle, but thankfully nothing too serious. Milva, however, was going to need at least a week until she could get back into the saddle. She was in good hands with Regis taking care of her, but her body needed to rest.

Everyone spent time doting on Milva, but after a day she got fed up and yelled at everyone, so it was decided that she would be left to just Regis and occasionally Geralt.

You tried to focus on preparing for when Milva could get back in the saddle and your company would be on the move again, but your mind hadn't stopped racing since the battle, one specific moment replaying in your brain over and over.

You rushed through the gap that Cahir had made through the Nilfgaardian attackers, joining the Lyrian guerrillas in defending against the Black Ones. The Lyrians had been surrounded by the Nilfgaardians, but Cahir was able to charge right through them with the horse he had taken from a Nilfgaardian cavalryman at some point during the fight.

You slashed at a soldier when someone ran into you from behind, knocking you to the ground. A Nilfgaardian officer was standing above you. You crawled backwards away from him, but your head was kicked by a heavily armored foot, making your vision spin. The officer had his sword held high, about to strike, and you were in no way ready to dodge or parry, closing your eyes to prepare for the hit.

The blow never came. With his sword still raised in the air, the battle cry on the officer's lips was hushed as he fell to his knees. You looked up to see Cahir standing behind him, his blade covered in blood. He moved to help you up when he looked at the dying officer. You watched the way his eyes widened in recognition.

"Morteisen?" he said, unable to look away from the face of the Nilfgaardian.

You could barely make out the surprised "Cahir?" that came out of the officer's mouth before he slumped over, unmoving.

You could see the emotions on Cahir's face, but before you could say anything, your vision started to turn black and you felt yourself falling into Cahir's body, the last thing you remember seeing is the retreating Nilfgaardian army and the celebrating Lyrian soldiers.

It had been days since the battle and Cahir had barely said anything, often in his own world. Ever since he had joined the group, you and Cahir had been inseparable. You both were the only two who had trouble falling asleep at night, which led to late night conversations under the stars that had become deeper as time went on, telling each other things that you hadn't told anyone before. Over the span of just a few weeks Cahir became someone who you cared for deeply, possibly more than you had ever cared for anyone. But now the nights were filled with silence.

You couldn't help but feel the guilt take over you. Cahir had killed someone he knew because of you, possibly killed a friend because you had let yourself get caught off guard.

That night while everyone helps to make soup for dinner, you sit on a log next to Cahir, helping him peel the vegetables. He looks up at you as you sat down before turning his attention back to the carrot in his hand. The two of you sit in silence for a few minutes before you speak up.

"Were you close with him?" you ask. Cahir gives you a confused look. "The officer. Were you close with him?"

Cahir takes a deep breath and looks down at the food in his hands. "Mortiesen. We joined around the same time. Trained together. He was one of the first people I met in the army."

You can feel tears well up in your eyes as you fix your gaze back on your vegetables.

"I'm sorry," you say quietly, not even sure if Cahir is able to hear you. Out of the corner of your eye you can see Cahir's confused face again. "I'm sorry that you killed one of your friends because of me. And I understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore."

His confused expression changes to one of concern. Cahir shifts closer to you and gently takes the potato and the knife out of you hands, placing them down next to his.

"Why wouldn't I want to talk to you anymore?" he asks, taking your chin between his thumb and forefinger to make you look at him.

"You've been really quiet these past few days, I don't know if you're regretting killing him," you say, a tear sliding slowly down your cheek.

Cahir moves his hand to cup your cheek and uses his thumb to wipe away the stray tear. "I never imagined that would happen, but I will never regret what I did."

"You don't?" you ask, searching his stormy blue eyes and finding nothing but sincerity.

"Not at all," he says, leaning in closer so your faces are only a few inches apart. "Because if I hadn't killed him, he would have killed you."

You can see the tears start to form in his eyes. "Then why have you been so distant?"

He closes his eyes and puts his forehead against yours.

"Because I almost lost you," he whispers. "I saw you on the ground, and I saw him raising his sword to strike, and I just couldn't let anything happen to you. I was so scared that he was going to kill you."

You pull back from him a bit to look at him. You search his eyes again, wanting to make sure he means all of this.

"But your friend..." you say, barely above a whisper. Cahir takes your face in both of his hands and looks over your features.

"I would have killed Emperor Emhyr himself to keep you safe."

Your breath catches in your throat. You watch as Cahir's eyes flicker from your eyes to your lips and back up, as if asking for permission. You give him a small nod, and he closes the space between you.

You've kissed people before, but never like this. Your kiss is full of desperation for each other, pouring everything you feel for each other into it. Your hands slide up to his hair while he moves one hand to the back of your neck, angling your head to kiss you even deeper. You disconnect to take a breath before reconnecting again, needing to feel each other, needing to know that this is real.

Cahir takes the hand from your cheek and drags it down the side of your body, letting it slip underneath the fabric of your shirt to roam on your skin. A groan comes out of you at the feeling of his hand on your body, and you lightly tug his hair, Cahir releasing a groan of his own.

"Hey, are you done with the veg- oh shit!"

You jump apart and whip your heads in the direction of the voice, revealing a red-faced Dandelion. You're sure that your own face is not much different from the bard's.

Dandelion opens and closes his mouth a few times as if deciding what to say before he lands on a quick "I'll just grab them later" and runs off, leaving you alone again.

You sit in silence for a few moments, processing what just happened.

"He's going to tell everyone, isn't he?"

"He's definitely already telling them."

"We're never going to hear the end of this, huh?"

"Oh, never."

You turn back to face each other and quickly fall into a mess of laughter, Cahir hugging you close to his chest.

"Well, that just means I can do more of this," he says, pulling you into another kiss. You chuckle against his lips, feeling his smile.

"I'm sorry to stop you because we've all been waiting for this, but we really need those vegetables, Milva's threatening to shoot us if we don't finish the soup soon!"

You and Cahir break apart once again with a sigh.

"We're coming!" you yell, starting to get up. Cahir picks up the skinned vegetables from his cloak on the ground.

"To be continued," he says, pressing one last short kiss to your lips before walking off in the direction of Dandelion's voice, leaving you to follow after him, trying to calm your smile and prepare yourself to be bombarded upon your return to the group.

That night the two of you sneak away from the group, and for the first time in days you don't spend the night in silence, much to the displeasure of Geralt and his sensitive witcher hearing.

[elffees]

How Fragile Allyship is Portrayed in Frontiers of Pandora

So I really love this audio log from Priya and needed to talk about it. This entire post will be based on this log.

Transcript:

"I ... it's Priya. Obviously. I don't know what day it is. Nothing makes sense... Alma's dead. Alma. Is. Dead.

Oh wow. That's weird. But you know what the really weird, screwy part is? There's this whole other Alma just walking around. Except she's not blue and she's got tiny eyes. Do we all have such tiny eyes? I just ... I feel like good Alma was killed. And we're left with this other one who everyone hates. But really it's the same person. Or is it?

I don't know what to think. I'm not really the one for existential crises, but this is a real brain-breaker. And I'm ... I'm sad. My friend died. No. No. She was murdered. I know she did some bad things, but Nor had no right. I'm glad he's gone. Maybe he's glad too. He never liked it here. Never liked us. Humans.

But we're trying to help. Alma was trying to help. She was protecting them. She tried. Right? Mercer's the bad one. That's all I know for sure. And that other Alma... she wants to hang out, just like old times. But... she's not my friend. Not— I think I hear someone. Signing off."

This audio log can be found in the Resistance Hideout.

I really like this log because it encapsulates the different ways allies & marginalized peoples view and are affected by certain situations.

Disclaimer before I start: I am not saying Priya is a bad person, nor am I saying allies are bad people.

For starters, I can understand why Priya, and likely other Resistance members, have mixed feelings towards Alma. It's a very complex situation. So Priya regarding it as "weird" and being at a complete loss makes sense.

What I want to focus on in this post are the last 3 paragraphs. Where she expresses confusion and hurt because "Good Alma was murdered".

I think this right here is a very well written distinction on how allies and the marginalized communities they assist experience situations differently.

Alma's Reveal

Everyone had their worlds turned upside down when Alma confessed the full extent of her actions in TAP. Alma admits that her avatar was a tool for manipulation. Although she may care for the Sarentu children now, for the majority of their relationship, from the genocide, to TAP, to being frozen and left behind, Alma's avatar was a tool to manipulate and coerce Na'vi into viewing her (and by extension TAP, then later the Resistance) as "one of them". As someone to trust and relate to. The purpose of her having an avatar was to act as a golden ticket into Na'vi society.

Alma was not "murdered". There is no "good" or even "bad" Alma. There is only Alma.

The human who played a role in the massacre of a clan, then manipulated its survivors for years, then left them behind to remain in stasis for nearly 2 more decades.

Who is also the human who founded the Western Resistance and tried to band together several Na'vi clans to protect Pandora, who encouraged the Sarentu to reclaim their culture and customs the ones that didn't expose her ofc, and who helped rid Pandora of cackling narcissist John Mercer.

There is only ONE Alma that has done all of these things.

Alma was not "murdered". Her tool of manipulation was destroyed. The object, the mask, the weapon that gave Alma her power and confidence and that helped her fool not only the Sarentu, not only the Resistance, but also herself into thinking she was something she was not, was taken from her.

Alma was not murdered. She was thrust back into reality.

And so, Priya's last 3 paragraphs interest me. It's completely fine that she mourns the image of who she thought Alma was. In a way I think the Sarentu (sans Nor) do as well. Everyone thought Alma was just a good person who only wanted to help with no ulterior motives. It's painful to realize that was far from the case.

But then Priya goes on to hate Nor. She spits his name out like a curse. Glad he's gone because "he never liked them anyway". That he had no right to "murder" Alma because she only did a few "bad things".

There's a lot to unpack there.

Priya's Blaming of Nor & It's Ties to Fragile Allyship

I want to break down the lines one by one.

She was murdered. I know she did some bad things, but Nor had no right.

For starters, it is EXTREMELY COMMON for allies of marginalized communities to "insert their two cents" on a delicate topic. More often than not when there is inter-community issues, allies have a tendency to say the phrase: "I'm [insert demographic] so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt, BUT I think..." Any and all oppressed classes have heard this phrase from MILLIONS of allies before.

The FOP writers did remarkably well at capturing what allyship looks like when writing the Resistance. Because Priya, as a human formerly part of the oppressive group trying to wipe out the Na'vi and Pandoran wildlife, fully believes she can judge whether Nor had a right or not.

It's not her call.

She cannot determine whether Nor was justified or not because she, as someone part of the privileged class in the world of the game, has never suffered from the harm that Alma's avatar has caused.

She, and none of the Resistance members, were raised by Alma's avatar.

They were not lied to by Alma's avatar for YEARS about the true fate of their families and loved ones.

They were not encouraged to view Alma as a mother-figure or nurturing teacher or beloved caretaker, when she was actually just eager for fame and success.

They were not put into cryosleep and then left behind for 16 MORE YEARS with suspicions that this abandonment was an intentional coverup.

They did not suffer any of that.

They saw her as the leader of the Resistance and as a friend, which does cause an impactful betrayal of course, but Alma's avatar never tried to force them to see her as family. As someone to love.

While Priya only says all this in a private audio log and thankfully doesn't say it to any of the Sarentu or god forbid So'lek, these are her thoughts. The simple fact she believes she can judge Nor, that she has the capacity and authority to scold one of the main victims, is a reoccurring feature of privileged allies who struggle to realize that they cannot relate or ever fully understand how marginalized communities experience oppression.

Priya says Nor had "no right" to "murder" Alma. When truthfully, Priya has no right to judge how the Sarentu feel and respond.

I'm glad he's gone. Maybe he's glad too. He never liked it here. Never liked us. Humans.

After Priya attempts to place judgement on Nor's actions, she then dives deeper.

She is glad Nor is gone. Not ONLY because of what he did to Alma's avatar. No. She is also glad he's gone because Nor was not friendly.

Another prime instance of fragile allyship is that allies tend to believe that marginalized people are only worth their sympathy if they're likeable.

This has a lot ties to the "Perfect Victim" concept.

Because Nor was not friendly, because his trauma caused him to distrust humans and he did not quickly get over it and befriend Resistance members, he is undeserving of as much sympathy as the other Sarentu.

It's seen as a positive that he's gone (despite the fact he ran away in clear emotional distress.) Not just because of what he did to Alma's avatar, but because now Priya and the Resistance no longer have to assist someone that's "ungrateful" and "not as nice" as they should be.

The purpose of being an ally is to help oppressed classes survive against circumstances that would otherwise have them discriminated against or have them dead. Being a truly good ally should not hinder on whether the person is "likeable" or "grateful" for their services. But sadly, in the real world, that is one of the most common "conditions" a LOT of allies have when it comes to offering support. How much they like the person or groups they claim to want to help.

Allyship is more often than not based on likeability, rather than morality.

But we're trying to help. Alma was trying to help. She tried. Right?

Another feature of fragile allyship is the tendency to change sides.

Priya agrees that what Alma did was wrong. She understands that.

But because of the simple fact that Alma is human, Priya not only relates but tries to defend Alma's actions. Seeing herself in Alma is understandable because they are both human and were friends. The problem comes when Priya begins to project and defend Alma's actions.

It doesn't matter that by her own admission Alma's main goals were fame and achievement. It doesn't matter how much the Sarentu are hurt by her actions. It doesn't matter that Nor was outraged. It doesn't matter that even calm and collected Ri'nela was disgusted. It doesn't matter HOW the Sarentu, as the direct victims, feel about Alma's actions. It doesn't matter that intent ≠ impact.

Alma is human like Priya, so from Priya's POV, Alma's 'intentions' hold more value than how the Sarentu were impacted. "We're" trying to help. Alma was trying to help. So her actions can't have been that bad. Right?

Mercer's the bad one. That's all I know for sure.

And finally, this is another feature of how allies tend to respond to things.

Of the two, Mercer is the one who unabashedly committed the massacre and oppressed the Sarentu for years. Mercer is "the bad one" because his actions are overt. They are clear cut, obvious, and maniacally evil.

When real world marginalized groups face microaggressions or covert prejudice, allies have a tendency to step in and defend the offender. "Hm, I don't think that was racist." "Are you sure that's homophobic?" "It's just a word. I don't see how it can be ableist to say." - "It's not like it's really hurting anyone."

When oppression is not as clear cut to allies, they tend to dismiss it entirely. It doesn't matter how the victims feel about the situation. As discussed earlier in the post, allies tend to think they have the authority and capability to make judgements on prejudice they do not face, and ergo believe they can determine how "bad" something really is. Better than the marginalized class can themselves.

In Priya's eyes, Alma is better than Mercer because Mercer's oppression was harsh yelling, explosions, and murder. "Mercer's the bad one" while Alma was "only trying to help."

But in truth, both Mercer and Alma have done and continued to do harmful things. They both played a part in the decimation and continued manipulation of the Sarentu. Both for their own selfish purposes.

Oppression has many faces. It does not always look the same, it is not always a mustache twirling villain. It can be subtle and quiet. It can be hidden behind gentle eyes and smiles. It can be from "good intentions" just as easily as it comes from "bad intentions". It can be subconscious, it can be self aware, it can be secretive, it can be out in the open. It can be many things. There is not only "one bad" style.

Oppression is just as diverse as the communities it aims to harm.

Conclusion

I want to reiterate that I do not dislike Priya and this post isn't a hate campaign against her. I know many dudebros in the fanbase unfairly criticize her.

The point of this post is to applaud the FOP writers. It is very rare when mainstream media is able to accurately depict how fragile allyship is. Priya's reaction to Nor stabbing Alma's avatar is painfully realistic to the many ways allies have reacted to certain situations in the real world.

This is one of the many reasons why I love this game and feel it hits home. Not only can I relate to the Na'vi clans, but my god can I relate to the way allies are written in relation to them. And I feel like this audio log from Priya, while brief and easily missable, is one of the prime moments of realism this game portrays really well.

[oceanlipgloss]

MILK

BELPHEGOR.

+ warnings: angst, strong language.

+ my mc is the heroine, so the pronouns are feminine.

Milk helps put souls to sleep. Mouths like to drink it hot. White that once clouded clear glass with twists of steam slithers down throats and pours into stomachs. It’s been that way since old times and the dawn of history, perhaps—a tradition in many households.

As a general rule, children love their nightly pint of hot milk. As grown-ups, many of them cherish it. The liquid had followed them, after all, flowing behind them into good ol’ dull adulthood.

Now he, normally he never needed silly methods like that. No ‘sleep-helpers’ for him, thanks. His organic chemistry championed the slumber department.

Just not that night.

In those star-flecked hours, he just couldn’t sleep.

Dry flakes of milk dotted the glass to his right. Under the lamp’s light they had looked like a blueberry mix: violet freckles, lavender stars, purple planets.

Even with his head in her soft lap, her fingers in his uncombed hair, and the exhaustion slowly glazing the inner chambers of his veins, he couldn’t make himself doze off and away.

Maybe his body would not surrender to sloth because of her presence.

He wasn’t thinking about anything in particular, but his brain was as alive as an electric wire is: a curly leech pulsing with its own sort of glimmering currents and glistening life. There was an entire galaxy in his mind. A milky way.

Something was flicking blurry nightmares at his soul.

His tired eyes watched. Fake planets moved lazily above him, in a perfect circle, almost as though they were doing their own ritual. The ringed one in the middle had to be the oracle. No one knew anything about the little magical meeting. It was amusing; even still objects can do things they want.

He thought of fairy dust.

His head was spinning. He felt dizzy. Not physically. Something inside him was twirling around itself, spiralling. Would anyone understand? If he tried explaining. Would they know what he meant?

One hour, two hours, three. After each other they passed. He could hear her soft breaths. His fingertips pressed against her cheek. Pillow-soft. Someone else would’ve compared it to a marshmallow. A dent formed between her brows. His skin was cold.

Counting stars was too romantic. Rosy. He was in a black mood. Back to the classics: he began to count sheep.

One pink sheep, two pink sheep, three...

Everywhere in the universe, creatures resort to many of the same things, it seems.

It wasn’t that late when the answer came to him. He hadn’t ever lost it, not really. He hadn’t even needed to look. It had been there all along, the thing nagging at him. It crawled to him by itself, on its own hands and feet. It was a fear.

Again he remembered that, years from now—hopefully many, many years from now—on a sleepless night like this, he would be yet another insomniac lying in his bed or on the floors.

Alone.

That night he just couldn’t sleep well. He dreamt of fading stars and planet collisions.

Hot milk helps put souls to sleep, does it? Fuck hot milk. It didn’t do shit, did it?

+notes: I honestly didn't want to log in, but I like to post fics the day I write them on 'cause I don't write dates down next in my notes and instead use Tumblr as a sort of accurate timeline to keep track of when I wrote something/last wrote anything at all my AO3 dates have mostly not heard of accuracy (transl.: since I'm somewhat writing again now, this may very well be repeated). Anyways *quietly sneaks u 100mg of existential horrors*

+ MASTERLIST

+ AO3 POST

©𝙤𝙘𝙚𝙖𝙣𝙡𝙞𝙥𝙜𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙨

[tobiasdrake]

The Hundred Line: Last Defense Academy 144 - Temporal Powerbombs

Day 62 of 100. Got some Free Time before this Moko thing blows up in all of our faces. My money is on her springing Bayonetta, and then the two of them double-teaming us in a Defense Battle.

Oh hey, she's actually in the training room doing VR prep. Huh. Maybe she's serious about just being out-of-practice.

I'd invite you to come train with me, Moko, but the VR machine is weirdly strict about who gets to participate. We can't even put Kako and Ima in there yet. Gotta wait for the next VR session to unlock.

In any case, BP training seems like the best use of my time for right now. We unlocked some new Level 2 grades and now I need the BP to spend on them. See y'all tomorrow.

Well, fuck me. We're not about to have a love triangle over Bayonetta, are we? Between one dude treating her like a puppy and the other who wants to murder her?

Is that going to be our new Big Thing once we get Moko dealt with? Or a complication during the Moko arc?

For what it's worth, I'm still with Shouma. This is an opportunity to learn more than a vivisection would tell us. Some things can only be gleaned from a person's brain, and not in a physical sense.

Mmm, that really depends, Moko. A lot of villains aren't capable of friendship because... Well, they're not the kind of person who would be. Friendship requires a level of compassion towards another human being, and villains are typically selfish at least to some degree by design.

There can be all kinds of heroes and villains but in a very general sense? Like. Imagine there is a lever. If you pull the lever, it will fulfill your greatest ambition but it will also trigger a mechanism that shoots your best friend in the face with a gun. Generally speaking, a villain will pull that lever and a hero will not.

But this is, again, very generally speaking. There are all kinds of heroes and villains in practice. As well as potential for one kind of character to move to the other side of the spectrum. So while this is an unusual maneuver, there's definitely room for it in a well-crafted narrative. Improvisational though it may have been.

Imposter Moko has this entire crew wrapped around her finger. It's honestly kinda scary. Like. We've had antagonists who we just couldn't tell off for some reason. But we are rapidly approaching the point where there is a real, actual reason for why it's going to be hard to do anything about Moko, and that reason is that she's ultra-charismatic and everyone adores her.

This is the 2-3 Class Trial all over again.

Don't worry, Bestie. I'm right there with you. Not for the same reason, but... All that happiness is like poison choking my lungs right now.

Pro wrestling is so fucking wild, y'all. I also want to hear about Moko's long-lost temporally erased brother, and how it related to delivering powerbombs.

As an aside, despite their recent incredibly gross conflict, it figures that that would be the part Kako's most affected by.

She knows. She fucking knows that Moko isn't right.

But Imposter Moko has completely usurped Nozomi's position as a beloved leadership figure and Nozomi can't speak up without knowing for sure.

Alright, Free Time... Today I'm gonna scavenge the ruins for Minerals and more Gift items.

As an aside, you can really feel the difference between the twins' attitudes on being here. Ima will go reluctantly if he must while Kako is happy to participate.

You can also feel how close we are to team completion. With Moko here, the only two remaining squares are for Hiruko and the mystery 16th person.

Gonna be great to see this grid fully decked out with people one day.

Not much in the way of materials but I did grab a new Gift item so I'm gonna call that a win.

You know, the fact that the Earth is literally trying to kill itself explains a lot about how dangerous just walking down the street is. Killer logs rolling at us, runaway vehicles, sometimes the loot punches you in the nose, swarms of killer bees and surprise fog attacks... It makes sense when you remember that the planet's lifeforce actively hates us and wants us to die.

Goodnight everybody. See y'all on Day 64.

[raisingmybanner]

another find the word tag game because the last one was so fun

Thank you to @dairogo for the tag and the new words! Let's see what I can drum up this time...

Words: exhausted, quickly, sleep, breathe, delight

(excerpts are once again from my HP fanfiction WIP, "Getting Things Sorted")

Exhausted:

There were photos of Andromeda and her husband Ted, just the two of them at first, and then joined by a Tonks that looked slightly different in every photo. Some of the photographs were moving, others were still. There were lots of slightly blurry photos of a young Tonks, doing different stunts and with different bandages to showcase her many injuries. There was a photo of her with her parents at her Hogwarts graduation ceremony, and then again at her Auror graduation, beaming with pride. There were several of her with Remus, casual snaps in what looked like Andromeda’s living room. Tonks grinning, Remus smiling like he wasn’t sure he was allowed be happy yet. 

There was even one of Tonks and Remus holding a minuscule Teddy. The new parents exhausted but so full of joy. It was the only one of the three of them.

Quickly:

Penelope had the dubious honor of being in the first wave of Ministry workers that was cleared to return to work after the Internal Review, thanks to her parents’ wartime activities. This mostly just meant she had been given a staggering amount of responsibility and no supports whatsoever. She hadn’t even had a team for several weeks. The first two employees to return after her had looked in mild horror at the sleeping bag Penelope had shoved under her desk and quickly elected her to the position of Temporary Head of Sub-Department. She suspected it was because neither of them wanted to be in the position where the buck stopped, but Penelope didn’t complain. She’d wanted a position with upward mobility, after years stuck in a backwood town hall endlessly alphabetizing, and she wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth now that she finally had one.

Sleep:

“Oh, well, I was heading to the Ministry as well,” Hermione said, straightening her robes and pulling back from him. “I know you usually head in around this time, so I thought we could walk together.”

Harry blinked at her, waiting for her words to spark any kind of understanding in his sleep-logged brain. Apparently the coffee hadn’t made it that far, though, because no bells were ringing. He took another drink of coffee anyway, and crunched his last bite of toast.

“The internship,” Hermione prompted, reading his face correctly as always. “It starts this week. Didn’t we talk about this?”

Breathe:

He was glad they had Teddy to squeeze and hug and spoil before they had to think about any kids of their own; they were practically kids themselves, no matter what the papers said. A beautiful day, once a month, almost eased that tightness of wanting in Harry’s chest. 

A family. He just wanted a family. He’d never had one, not one of his own. One made with blood and choices and little people he could show the whole of the blazing-bright world to.

It wasn’t the right time, though. He needed a career. He needed to be settled. 

There was time for family later, he told himself as he buried his face in Ginny’s hair and breathed in the smell of her. Felt her heartbeat offset with his own.

“I’ve got to get back,” she said, pulling away. “Next Friday should be free for lunch still, right?”

“Right,” he said.

Delight:

“Love is in the air,” Ginny said, leaning forward across the counter and resting her elbows on it. She kept her voice low, as if they were co-conspirators, and twirled her finger enigmatically in the air. “I have it on good authority that Draco and Hermione are—” She broke off to make a hand gesture that Ron couldn’t begin to comprehend. 

Ron had absolutely no interest in either of his friends’ love lives, so he did his best to look mildly surprised and/or delighted about whatever action this hand gesture was supposed to be demonstrating. Whatever face he made was apparently good enough for Ginny, who nodded, looking smug. 

Thank you again for the tag!! And once more, if there's anyone who wants to go again with different words, or who missed it the first time, please do this and tag me! I'd love to see your words! <3 My words for you will be: dark, hope, smile, pause, squint. Happy writing!

[melrosing]

MATE I have a feeling I am so late to this but what happened to your job!

lmao! so much! but I don’t have it anymore! ok you didn’t ask for the full story lmao but im always in the mood for venting lately so the full tale under the cut on What Happened With My Job

so without getting into detail they have been absolute asses all year!! like with each other the women in my team are like Bosom Pals but apart from a handful of pleasant people they just have no time for me lol it’s very cliquey??

anyway. we had some really difficult clients in the Spring who were ready to throw in the towel at every stage of our work process bc it was unfamiliar territory for them. I was leading the project but really struggling to meet their insane expectations like it was HUNDREDS of emails a day from like 8AM to 8PM and their ‘head of’ sometimes swearing at me on calls with a dozen other people and thinking I can work magic and get [MAJOR CELEBRITY] involved in a thing for them when objectively I can’t and just scream. anyway my directors get really uneasy because this is a big client and they don’t want them getting scared off so when the client starts reaching a crescendo of frustration they fully just scapegoat me right at the end of the campaign (at which point our results are great! lmao) and say it will be Dealt With

around the same time I start to realise that the business is failing and my ‘specialist position’ is typically the first kind to go and that COINCIDENTALLY they are on my ass day after day trying to insist im not meeting their ‘standards’ and genuinely making up the most insane reasons why not (like I know I’d be biased saying this but SERIOUSLY) so im like ohhh right. I see where this is going

THEN my dad gets goddamn incurable brain cancer and my whole life falls apart. and they suddenly have to be like ‘oh no. I am sorry this has happened. oh dear.’ I’m off two weeks having a complete mental breakdown until im kindly reminded that cough I’ve almost used up my statutory days of compassionate leave! but per company guidelines they do have to manage my workload whilst i er. struggle indefinitely w the emotional burden?? so my capacity is thus reduced and man you can tell they’re not thrilled about it

so they basically check in every Friday for a month saying ‘hope everything is ok can you take on more work yet’ CONSPICUOUSLY never asking how anything is going with dad (like when I first logged back in I had a catch up with my line manager and kind of tremulously started talking about what had happened and she literally said ‘it’s ok you don’t need to tell me the details’)

THEN I get GASTROENTERITIS 💃🏻 god knows how. but it’s a bad one and I physically can’t eat for a week man I eat like a banana a day and even that makes me sick lol. but whatever the first day I phone in and tell my director im not well. she’s like ‘WELL I ACTUALLY HAVE SO MUCH TO MANAGE RIGHT NOW SO THIS REALLY ISN’T HELPFUL LIKE I GET YOU CAN’T HELP BEING SICK BUT I REALLY NEED TO BE ABLE TO RELY ON MY TEAM TO SUPPORT COS WE HAVE A LOT COMING UP’ (I’m not even kidding)

so on the third day I log back in bc I feel like I need to just push through it but oh no im still vomiting my guts out so I message the same director ‘look I think maybe. I am still sick’ and she says NOTHING in response till I suddenly get a text from my LINE MANAGER saying ‘Hi. X says you say you still don’t feel well. We understand it’s food poisoning. That usually only lasts 24 hours’. LIKE??? apparently with all the compassionate leave I’d had to take, the sick leave was just too much for them to bear lmao so i got myself a goddamn doctor’s note and have to announce every day for the rest of that week ‘I’m still not well sorry’ (they never ever reply)

Then finally I recover and I log back in and my director doesn’t ask me how I am or anything literally just says ‘WELL let’s get straight to business’ and explains the status of everything at me for 20 mins going on about how stressful it all is.

And then an hour later I get a surprise call from my head of department telling me unforch they’re making me redundant. can’t be helped. understand this is a bad time for you personally. (said head of department has never addressed what bad thing is happening personally rn). and im in shock. till i figure that what with my dad this is probably an appalling time to make up some performance based reason to fire me so this was their only option

and then finally I see the paperwork and realise severance pay is a third of my annual salary. so i promptly get over it, log out halfway through the month whilst still being paid for my time till the end of it, and NOT ONE of those fuckers has even reached out to say goodbye in all that time but god knows I never want to hear from them again so?? fuck it! i told HR everything anyway I was like look I don’t want to take formal action but?? I think you should know.

and now im just gonna chill for Christmas w my dad and my fam and my pals and my cats and do my weird asoiaf shit on tumblr I guess lol. so there we go that’s what happened!!!!

tl;dr got made redundant lol

[omegaslostwine]

Original story Wip

Old 'Alpha's log.

Date: Third of the 5th blast, radial year 2604.

Location: Apex, 3rd Center Level.

Science department 6, MT's log entry for whoever might find this...

So...

Maybe you don't know me, although I doubt it. I'm hard to forget. But in case you don't recognize my existence, let me tell you that what you have in your hands now is a piece of the truth, the one that no one wants you to know. It may not be easy to understand. If this ever changes, if anyone ever finally listens to me, I don't think they will understand a single word of this log. But that's no reason for me to stop, no. If your minds have changed and our reality is different now, I only need to do one thing for you to get it. Start from the beginning.

Today I found a card: a piece of smooth cardboard, for those who don't know.

Yes, a piece of paper.

I can't remember the last time I saw real paper, much less printed paper. The card brought such an unusual drawing .

I had to look it up, since it was an archaic artifact. It was a spyglass, a kind of portable glass that it was looking upwards.

A Spyglass... Shit, keeping this image now could easily land me in jail.

Here and now, in Proxima B, this is almost a sacrilege.

THIS drawing of a staring eye looking at the sky, endowed with wings, taking off far from the city. It is a call to study the universe. A gem for any decent scientist, but a dangerous catalyst for law enforcement officers.

So it is not surprising that it is strictly prohibited.

Few know why, but those more sagacious do.

The truth is that our story does not begin in this ruined world. No, everything begins in a brighter place, where the sun sets below the horizon and in the darkness of the so-called night, you can see the thousands of stars that surround us even today.

Maybe you already know it now, but at this moment, all this information is prohibited by the Power Cabinet. They don't want you to know. They don't want you to look up.

This place of eternal twilight is the only thing we know and are allowed to know.

The blackened sky can only be seen from where the frozen air would kill you in seconds, and the blazing light from the other side of the planet would burn you alive as soon as you leave what we know as the “habitable zone.”

So we are forced to live here, piled up within this stripe in the middle of the day and night, where a reddish gloom never lets us see the starry sky.

Nobody cares though. They do not have the imagination to see beyond the visible. They don't know anything else that doesn't come from the screens around us, and their little brains don't conceive of anything else.

Rats always go for the cheese. And those at the top know how to provide for these pests.

That's Proxima B, a well-planned prison for a bunch of weak-minded rodents.

So this card is almost a gift for me, being a human thirsty for answers in a world that rejects wit.

It is reliable proof that I am right, that there were others before us. Beings who looked up at the sky and managed to conquer it.

That is what I need. This is how I will be able to create what they ask of me.

I can't stop now. I know that the answers I seek are in our past and now I just need to follow this invisible thread that connects the card to our history.

Only then I will find the origin of Proxima and the truth about humanity.

That will be my contribution to science. To this day...

The Hylum will the next...

Log signature: Mayzon Thorne

This was made with a prompt from a literature workshop I'm in. But it has a lot of information about the context of my original story 'Echoes'.

The prompt was to use the cards image of a spyglass.

You can take this as an additional content. A flash back of Mayzon's first steps before becoming 'Alpha'.

Ps: sorry if it bother someone. But the image was made with one of my sketches and Leonardo ai because I didn't want to draw. 🙏

You can find the sketches of alpha in my Tumblr.

[bonesandthebees]

You’re reading 20 (25)?! Damn that’s a lot. I’m trying to work my way back into reading books again over reading fanfic. I thought 5 is a good starting point and if I read more I can do 10 next year.

Also, I just had a lot of mandatory reading for my English courses, which made it really difficult to read for me. I’ve had years where I needed to read 600 pages per semester, but the books never match up exactly and the prof always pick a book too, so it was like 4-6 books just during the school year and I could rarely pick something I wanted because it would have to be British English or modernism or realism or certain authors. So now I have accumulated a lot of books I want to read and I need to catch up.

The excel is mainly so I can keep track of what we have and where it is. I also log owner, genre and language for the fun of it (currently up to 4 languages but I swear we have a book in Spanish somewhere). Some books we have twice, once in the original English and the second a Dutch translation (like the Book Thief). It also allows me to learn what books my parents have so as can find them when I want to read them. (E.g. I did not know we had the Princess Bride, it might have been mentioned, but what do you mean it’s been in the dining room this whole time? I will be reading that some time soon.)

Also, shifting the books around into different categories is fun, because as now know my mom has an entire shift of historical fiction and so many good thrillers. And I can find books based on genre and then author alphabetically. And I get to use all our different book stops as dividers between categories. It’s fun I like organising. (Also, I now no longer have a stack of like 4 book that did not fit in my shelves thanks to shifting things around and purging a few.)

Now I just need a ‘station’ for the library books because my mom reads so many of them (she reads at least 40 books a year I don’t know how she does it. And usually she reads multiple books at the same time too. Though I think reading like an hour every day at least does help, but I ain’t got time for that).

P.s. what’s the last book you read?

-🌲

I'm an overachiever lol I got back into reading books and decided to set a super lofty goal for myself so I had to make a habit of it to follow through. I think 5 books is a great goal though! and if it goes well yeah you can increase it to 10 next year, I think that's a very smart way to do it

I 100% understand not having the time and/or mental energy for reading when you have a ton of assigned reading in school. not being in school right now definitely gives me more time and brain power for that stuff but I'm sure when I go back to grad school eventually I'm going to drop off a bit with my reading

that's such an organized excel sheet I love that. organizing it by languages as well is especially cool. I'm a lame monolingual (technically I can read a tiny bit of spanish but definitely not enough to read an entire book) so all my books are in english. that all sounds super helpful though for figuring out what book to read next

40 books a year??? insane. I have friends who read 50 a year and I'm like how the hell do you do that. I also don't get how she reads more than one book at a time. I have to zero in on whatever book I'm reading I can't flip between different ones. I try to read for about an hour every night but sometimes it ends up only being half an hour a night or if I'm tired I just don't read at all, but I'm pretty good about keeping up the habit

right now the book I'm currently reading is The Obelisk Gate by NK Jemisin (sequel to The Fifth Season), but before that the last book I finished was Sparrow by James Hynes. It was really good, but also incredibly dark. It's a historical fiction novel set in the latter half of the Ancient Roman Empire about a slave boy growing up in a brothel. I did love how real and tangible it made living in the Roman Empire feel but man. It also just made me depressed. like I appreciated how it didn't shy away from the brutal aspects of slave life in Ancient Rome but man I really needed a fantasy escape after that hence why I'm now reading The Obelisk Gate. (Also the ending kind of fell flat for me, but everything up until then was incredibly well written and really engaging)

[vega-and-the-pleiades]

Fueled by an alcohol and a content warning for some particularly impressive trauma, and bringing out the classic read more (while recognizing nerds are not gonna read this). TW for probably some dead kids, Palestinian genocide, and god fucking knows what else.

I'm starting to feel like younger generations have a problem fetishizing trauma and violence. Hear me out.

I'm fully capable of recognizing that this is arguably my debut into judging the younger generation and this might very well read like a gen xer saying "man all those violent video games must be messing the kids up" but have you looked at the state of social media right now? Have you taken even a cursory glance at the doom cult that is guestimating how many of us won't survive 2024 and making a habit out of showing pictures of dead children on the regular? I'm recognizing the incredible signs of burnout amongst my pro-Palestinian friends. Discussions regarding how "I can't even bring myself to go to work when this is happening" and, more importantly, ungodly guilt trippy posts about how it's one's duty to push through that. How the only voice for the Palestinians rests upon us and if you're tired, too fucking bad. You're not going through half of what they are so you can deal and keep doing what you're doing. And you're a bad person if you don't.

I've already talked about how I work in public safety and I've seen that attitude kill my friends (or mess them up beyond reason). You know who copes well with the job? People who maintain balance in their life. People who take their weekends to go fishing or skiing or whatever the case is to get themselves ready to dive back into the mess. The ones who can't handle it don't break because they lack fortitude. They break because they work 60+ hour weeks and fail to divorce themselves from the job on their off time. They have a devastating call and don't take the sup's offer to go home early that day. That's not a sustainable model for anyone and I really feel like these youngins don't have the life experience to understand that they are irreparably damaging their brains and their bodies with this.

As a complete aside, I would be remiss if I didn't talk about my personal toll these last weeks with all this. My socials at this point are cute cats, goth fashion, and my friends. Lighthearted and low key. I don't mind activism on my feeds to any extent, and you bet I've gotten some good reminders to kick a few dollars to orgs doing relief work in Palestine and Jewish orgs doing decolonial work here and abroad. But you know what the last thing I needed to see a week before Christmas when I got off a dead kid shift was? More dead kids. We're talking active CPR, ECMO cannulation, whole nine yards on a literal child in literal person, I got home not okay, went for some cute cats on insta and the FIRST THING on my page was dead kids under rubble.

I appreciate the fact that to some of y'all, the shock value of all this is motivating. But I desperately need you to leave your approximation of the grief of seeing a dead child, or a dead pregnant person somewhere out of reach of those of us who have fucking been there, okay? And I SURE AS FUCK don't need you guilt tripping me for logging out of instagram over that, okay? I swear to god it's like some of you are so fucking desperate to live these experiences and if that's the case, public safety, healthcare, and international disaster orgs can use you. But this shit has to stop. Unmoderated doomscrolling trauma porn doesn't help you and it pushes some of us so close to the event horizon that we risk losing our literal livelihoods.

Say what you want for 2013 Tumblr. At least we had content warnings and read mores. Inb4 someone tells me I should quit my job or that I'm weak or whatever.

[blog-by-kij]

The amount to which I get mad at this and the degree to which I want to defend the show SpongeBob and everyone who works on it is honest to god excessive and frankly pathetic BUT

That’s what tumblr is for. This is the last website standing where I can be insane publicly and it’s ok, and if I don’t exercise my rights why have them? You are so god damn annoying if you whine bitch and complain about “nEw sPoNgeBob iS bAd and aWeFUL aNd tErriBle and ALL hE dOEs iS CRY and hE uSeD to hAve a peRoNaLiTy iN OLD bob AND tHe aNiMaTioN is BAD nOw aND iTs SHIt nOw aNd tHe CrEAtoR wOuLd HaTe it Now anD THe wRIteRs SuCk nOw” and on and on and on. Like god. That’s annoying enough on its own honestly because it so disrespectful and disgraceful to the creators and writers of the show. Like how dare you honestly, think you know better than them. How dare you put words into anyone’s mouth about their own creation…god forbid if they’re not alive anymore! You are sick in the head if you do that!! Vile behavior!!

Every day I’m thankful that I don’t work in any part of this show because it would just kill my heart if I ever had to log on and all I see is people talking like that. You all suck because you say you love artists and creators but not when they create anything new. You all suck because you demand something impossible from creators and that’s to create something new that’s old that your nostalgia infected brain would like.

But it’s also pokes my bone because none of you fuckers who hate the show now have even seen any of the new stuff!!! Perform research before commenting!!! You literally are stuck on season 5 please move past season 5 or 6 or whichever one it was that you decided you were too old for please. We are on the 14th season oh my god give it a fucking chance. Good god how could you honestly just write off literally ALL of that, all of the writers, all of the animators, all of the creators of the newer stuff just like that for no real reason other than you assume it’s bad???? What because it’s…. n e w ….and you hate new things???? What the fuck is art for if not make new things??? Yes SpongeBob is art, everything creative is art, I rest in peace on this hill.

By the way it is one million and one percent fine to have grown out of something and moved on in life but whyyyyy WHHYY do you then need to denigrate the show, the process and the artists for something that’s still going just because you’ve outgrown it now? So what, now every media, every art that you grow out of has to stop existing just because you don’t like it anymore? Freak.

I hate nostalgia so much honestly because it just mind numbing stupid nonsense. I hate nostalgia as a concept and even more as an identity because it’s controlling and restrictive in how it doesn’t want anything new ever be made and it expects nothing new ever be good and how it deliberately seeks our negativity and how it inherently forces you to remain in the past which is not even possible! Sucks to be nostalgic because life is better now than it was then, yes it actually is better now. The only reason why you could say it was better then is because you was a literal goo for brains child and everyone else around you took care of your problems, and tbh children tend to have less problems generally (hopefully) (but on the contrary they also don’t deal with those problems as well as adults). Nostalgia as an identity to identify with is bad for you because it keeps you in this weird annoying negative self pity party that wants nothing to grow past or beyond whatever the time period it is and it also wants you to never grow beyond that point too!!! Nostalgia want to make you blame everyone and everything else for why your life isn’t like how it was when you were a child when the simple answer for that is that it’s just because you’re not a child anymore and actually…that’s fine. That’s literally how it’s supposed to be? That’s life and why that’s something negative for you and why you would want to permanently remain a child is mysterious to me.

Also, like no shit technology is better now than in the 90s. No shit animation companies will use the newer and better technology that makes it easier and yes better. Oh my god do you want them to….…not??? Fucking why?? It’s big “my favorite artists are not popular, suffer, and starve and if they get too popular I don’t like them anymore” energy.

Yes this triggers me no I don’t care if you think that’s pathetic because it is but so is constantly badgering and trashing something you’ve never seen just because you’re too old now, so is trashing on the good work of creators and the creators themselves just because you don’t like it, so is assuming that you’re right and having no evidence to back it up, so is deciding that you’re right for stupid nonsense reasons, and so is being permanently stuck in nostalgia. If ever you say you respect artists then actually fucking do it.

[1d1195]

Bestie!! Omg hi I feel like I’m been gone for so long, Ive miss you so much😭😭(I will explain later!)

You definitely don’t give off anit modern medicine vibes! But it’s literally so scary and some people just don’t understand how serious this is 😭 also I saw that you posted about being sick again?!? Sam omg that seems like the absolute worst 😭 please please just take all the opportunities you to just rest and give your body the needed rest it needs! Don’t worry about updating especially if your brain/body is just going through it, it’s absolutely okay!! Im obviously sending the best vibes towards you and I hope you have a speedy recovery my love 💕And I think it’s very sweet of you the way you support your students! Not many can truly say that!

It’s sucks that your pedicure didn’t come out the way you wanted! But i totally get you not saying anything because I am the same lol and im so glad you get along with your co-worker so well! It must feel so freeing and relieving having someone who gets it! Im genuinely not surprised that the kids love you guys, you just give off really good teacher vibes! Plus it’s literally YOU like what’s not to love bestie?!

I can totally see why you would hang on to all the memories, it’s definitely the comfort that comes with it. It’s okay to wanting to be the person who’s constantly reaching out but not every connection should be too daunting. Life gets in the way and sometimes people just manage relationships better than others. But there’s nothing wrong with you! You’re still so young and at any age you can develop all kinds of relationships! Anyways it’s okay to feel like that, you’re definitely not alone since I’ve felt like that before!

I can understand why the appeal to people named Jake more since I’ve been there like twice (were uneventful lol)

You seeing my live reactions would be crazy my because it’s literally me just gasping, laughing, screaming, and/or crying my eyes out lol also Sam wtf that is so sweet of you to say😭 I would love to give you the biggest and warmest hug ever too😭😭💕💕

Now my absence..Bestie life has been SOOOO shit like it’s crazy! Like the last response I sent I was typing it from the ER😭 I’m fine like it wasn’t a life or death situation lol and since that event it’s fucked up basically everything! My schedule was thrown off a bit because of that visit and the addition of new doctor’s visits. Plus my mental state rn is not good like girl I’m numb rn so the fall out of this will be BAD! but I can’t even cry because I’m just too overwhelmed! And tell me why when I logged back on your post wishing I’m okay like that made me tear up like Sam!you have no idea how much I missed our little chats/letters to each other :( like the thought of you even remembering me is just so😭💕 I know you’re a busy and booked girly so it does mean a lot 💕everything is just bad timing rn and it sucks to know that you’re not doing great either :(

I hope you do know that im always and forever will be wishing you the best! I hope the rest of March and hopefully April are WAYYYY better for you bestie! You deserve some time to exist peacefully!-💜

OMG I'm so happy to hear from you 💕 I was lowkey worried. I know you always say you'll warn me, but you truly don't owe me that and also things happen like scary things (not like permanent things but just skimming I'm seeing an ER visit, like that's not always predictable, so I GET IT. I hope you know what I mean).

Bro I am straight up not having a good time right now. I thought it was ALLERGIES because I didn't want to believe I had a cold after having a sinus infection. Fortunately, and sorry for being gross all the fluids were moving at least and I wasn't getting a splitting headache that made me think I was going to have to have my bf drive me to the hospital. I'm at the end of it (firm believer in the "it takes a week with cold medicine to get over a cold, and 7 days without") so I had a bit of a cough when I woke up this morning and I sound a little rough but feel SO much better than Wednesday/Thursday. I should have not gone to work but I am the worst lol and I swear I have FOMO for WORK of all things 🤦🏻‍♀️

I already want another pedicure, but I honestly might hold off until sandal weather hahahaha. Maybe I'll treat myself to a manicure, but idk I need to spend less money as usual.

This is a Jake positive blog I fear 🤣

I'm so sorry about all your health stuff. An ER visit is never fun and paired with mental health stuff is the worst. I didn't want to be dramatic in posting that, but I was DEF getting nervous. Idk if I mentioned this last time but honestly, I feel like my updates aren't complete without a 💜-review. Like they need your approval before I can post the next thing! I also know that YOU are busy and I'm like "I don't want to post again when she hasn't read the first thing that's going to be overwhelming and she's already strapped for time."

I'm sorry you're feeling numb 💕 i hope it will pass soon and the fallout won't be as bad as you think (not trying to minimize your feelings, just want it to be better for you 😭). Hoping/praying good things for you this week and that things start looking up. I think about you lots bestie! Try to take it day by day and hopefully you have spring break soon to get a bit of a reprieve from everything. May is almost here and graduation is around the corner! 💕

xoxo

[camrynsthoughts]

spiraling spiraling spiraling

well here I am going crazy. sometimes I feel like I've grown so much and then sometimes I feel like I suck right into the same headspace I was in years ago, like I'm just going backwards rather than keeping pushing forward. today is one of those days and my brain has been complete and utter chaos for about 8 hours now. and the worst part about it is the fact that I was having an amazing morning before my brain decided to spiral out of control. so here I am, writing on my shitty stupid Tumblr account (that look me about 30 minutes to log into. that's how I long it's been since I used this). as we know by now, I write on this blog because, well, I don't have a soul to speak to and I'm going insane! there is too much flying around in my brain and I want it to stop. this is going to probably be a big incoherent mess (and I'm drinking some wine so if this is more of a mess than usual, let's blame it on the wine) but here I go:

i. am. sick. of. not. being. respected. that's the basis of my thoughts. but then it goes into a hundred different memories of the plethora of times I've let people disrespect me. so that's fun to reminisce on! actually, here, I can state EXACTLY what led me to this delusional spiral my mind decided to partake in today. I was scrolling through twitter and this lovely tweet pops up that says some bullshit along the lines of, "if a man blocks you, just know you have touched his heart in some way or another." and then of course, I start thinking of the hundreds of times I've been blocked by you know who and it doesn't help that right now is one of those times! so there's the backstory of where all these thoughts have spiraled from and completely ruined my day.

I won't even get into the old days where I'd be blocked after damn near every conversation we ever had. but I want to focus more on the last year and a half or so. to what I thought, we were finally friends. after years and years of saying "we should just be friends" and falling through with that because we were stupid and young and horny, we finally became friends. at least that's what I believed. we'd rant to each other, we'd joke around, he'd be there for each other when the other needed it. I thought we finally built something that was mutual for what seems like the first time since I've ever known you. to me, it felt like we were finally at this healthy place in our lives where we had matured and we had respect and love for each other enough to not fuck up this friendship we had going on. that's until I once again randomly got blocked and have stayed blocked since.

I thought we were far past that point. I remember one time he had blocked me during that solid year I remained unblocked and we were consistently cool with one another.. and when he reached out to me a week or so after blocking me, I was pissed. I remember saying I was mad at him and that in the future I just wish he'd give me an explanation or a heads up so I don't spiral trying to find the reason (like I'm doing right now). and he completely understood and said he felt bad for that. well now I'm thinking he must not feel so bad about it because here I am in the same boat but instead of just being blocked for a week, it's been 7 months. and here I am 7 months later flipping the fuck out mentally.

before I go on, I'd just like to say... I know I sound like a weak fucking bitch. see, this is why I say "I feel like I sink into my past self" because I have this stupid soft spot for the dude and, anyone with some respect for themselves would be like, "I'm not giving this guy my energy ever again, fuck him for blocking me," and take it as it is presented. but no, I'm still like my old self in this way. I'll tell him "oh you blocking me pissed me the fuck off" but then do absolutely nothing about it! how awesome it that? this is another thing I've been spiraling about all day. I am literally allowing myself to get disrespected. no type of boundaries set, just letting people continue to hurt me left and right.

continuing off of the little paragraph before that one, here I am 7 months later flipping the f out. I mean, we've talked a few times in between there over dm but, who's surprised, I'm now blocked on instagram too. so there goes that. and still I have zero idea what led to this. and that's what hurts the most. after theorizing in my head all damn day, I think I've gotten down to the reason why I may have gotten blocked the last time in may. but honestly, at this point, I don't even give a fuck what the reason is anymore. I just wish I was told why so I wouldn't even be in the position. block me, whatever. but it's so harsh to not tell your supposed "friend" why you're blocking off any and all communication out of the blue. I could get if I was annoying or if we still had this toxic relationship with one another where we'd just fuck around and hook up, but it's not like that anymore and it hasn't been for years. and that is what is hurting me the most even thinking about any of this. before, I knew I was bound to get blocked the next morning after speaking. I knew once we saw each other, I'd be blocked and would just have to wait for the next time you'd randomly text me to potentially sext or see each other and fuck around. but this time around, it isn't like that at all. it was so out of the blue. and I didn't do anything to result in a damn blocking.

I feel so disrespected. anytime he ended someone to vent to, talk to, drive around with him to get his mind off of things, I was right there for him as a friend to listen and talk him through his own shit., and yet, here I am going though a time where I'd like some damn help and welp, I'm blocked so oh well too bad so sad. it hurts. I really thought it was different this time. I have so much admiration and respect for him and this is how I get treated in return. this may be a selfish way for me to think about the situation, trust me I've viewed this all from many different points of views throughout the day... but I just can't believe I lend out a hand anytime I'm needed and in return I don't even get any sort of explanation. and the thing that sucks is I wish I was just still upset about not having an explanation. now my mind how routed into different directions like how I feel like I got stomped all on and how I mean literally nothing. even after building what I thought was a meaningful friendship, none of this mattered to him.

I think what is pissing me off the most is the fact that one of the couple of times we have talked since he blocked me, we had a completely normal, chill conversation. everything seemed fine. so... why??? or even then, he really couldn't acknowledge the fact that he blocked me months previous and maybe like, I don't know, elaborate what the fuck happened? I guess I should've pressed him about it and once again, maybe I wouldn't be here typing this shit storm but holy fuck that is so annoying. I just get to sit here in my thoughts about what the fuck the last year of friendship even meant and he's just sitting somewhere like, "la-la-la :)"

I think this may be driving me more crazy recently because I moved home. and just knowing that we are back living in the same hometown eats me alive. I'm like damn, it would be nice to talk to my friend! especially since this town is so fucking boring and I have literally 2 other friends here. but i started spiraling the most when I swear to god I'm like 95% sure I saw his running outside the other night while I was driving home from my friend's house. I tweaked the fuck out. most of me was convinced that was him but there was a good 5% that convinced myself that I was actually going crazy. now if we were friends and I wasn't blocked, I would've texted him being like "bitch wtf just saw you running, it's late af are u good?" especially because I immediately thought about how he'd say he'd go on runs or walks when he needed to get out of his head. I instantly just wanted to be there for him and that's so annoying of my brain to even think. but it did! and what did I decide to do? download yet again another text free app and text him off a random number "are u running rn?" like a damn CREEP. well, it must have been because he asked "who is this?" and I said "Camryn you bitch" and of course I never got a response. why did I think I would? also, why am I so weird. I actually had anxiety for the next couple days after sending that because I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. but if everything was NORMAL like it was before and we were still friends and in a good place, it wouldn't be fucking weird at all. like hey! saw you running. ha ha. that's it. anyways, he probably blocked that text free number immediately when I said who it was. I guess I don't blame him but still, what the fuck did I do to begin with???

anyways. I just have been feeling very hurt all day. I miss my friend. I really cherished what we were about to build between each other after too fucking long of never being on the same page about anything and being the 2 most toxic people ever to each other. I was genuinely so happy and proud and content. I have my theories on why he blocked me and I have went in different directions of spiraling thinking about all of those today. I don't even want to get into it. but I'm fucking sad. I wish I could've been told what suddenly happened when it fucking happened. I obviously still would've been like "damn this sucks, gonna miss talking to you" but at least there'd be so sort of compassion and sympathy for me. I mean shit, I guess he doesn't owe me shit but I feel so betrayed still no matter what way I look at it. on the bright side, I know it is nothing personal. but then why cant I stop theorizing and spiraling out of control when thinking about it?

all I can come to a conclusion to is that I'm not respected. if I was respected, I'd be talked to about what's happening. he knows how I tend to be and how my feelings work. I mean shit, he always said he knows me better than any one else... okay then why wouldn't you know this would hurt me and I'm fucking upset and angry and belittled? make that make sense. if he had any sort of respect for me or our friendship, I'd get some sort of closure or literally just anything. but no, we pretend like nothing happened and we don't speak and I continue to get blocked on just about everything when I mean absolutely no harm... am I crazy? I've been typing this for so long, I'm starting to believe that I am actually crazy. I think I have to stop.

I wanted to write this until my thoughts stopped so I could maybe chill the fuck out and relax but I unfortunately still have too many thoughts and emotions and I'm sick or writing and my fingers hurt and I wan more wine. I also really want a cigarette or vape. that's not important though. I am sad, really sad.

you know I'm feeling insane when I'm debating sending this to him, finding a way to somehow. after I just got ignored 5 days ago. what is wrong with me??? I just hate feeling so understood by the one person who throws me around like it's fucking nothing. it's a really tough feeling. I just want to talk to the dude I thought was my friend after all these years but that's somehow ruined and I don't know what to tell my brain to make it shut up about this dumb ass topic. I'm quite annoyed. ok I'm done I think. I've been having this conversation with myself for now 9 hours and I think I'm going to crash out if I haven't done so already. I miss you dude, you mean so much to me and it's so soul consuming and annoying. I hope you are doing well. all that jazz. but I really mean it, even though I am pissed off beyond measure. see? I'm a weak pussy ass bitch. why???

[sincelastsession]

I wish I could go into auto pilot

It's just the state of mind that I get into and I just walk around and I do all the things that I can get done in a robotic like state of mind and I call it auto pilot

And I don't know how to get there but sometimes I just go into auto pilot and do things and function and I'm like that all day and it's blissful

Like I don't have any thoughts in my brain my head is just empty other than I gotta do this I gotta do that I'm doing this I'm doing that I'm just puttering around my apartment doing things without just any worries

And I wish I could trigger my brain to go into auto pilot it would be so fucking nice right now

I would love a manic episode Because I feel completely fucking drained and the kind of manic episodes that I have had in my lifetime like I said not related to bipolar just random

I mean they were nice I didn't do anything stupid except like go get my haircut short and colored once I mean it was the dumbest thing I ever did and then the rest of it is just me getting things done and cleaning and feeling accomplished and feeling on top of the world and then I would just go back to normalI mean I wasn't talking fast I wasn't doing anything weird so maybe I was just an I thought it was Mania I don't know anymore because the last time I had a manic episode was like 5 years ago

And I stopped having a lot of depression and manic issues and other issues when I got off of prozac by myself because I couldn't figure out which medicine was making me want to fucking die and since the psych facility ripped me off of my xanax in a very malpractice way and the only other antidepressant that I had that I was taking happen to be prozac well it was easy to figure out what was causing it

I don't know I'm talking all over the place and I'm pissed off at that and I can see my bottle of her all that's going completely untouched because if I start taking it again which I can because it's got my name on it and it's my prescription and I can take it if I want to I don't think there's a log against that but I'm not going to it's going to sit there because I don't know what to do with it I'm obviously not gonna flush it there's a fucking shortage of her all in what if I get put on It again

But I'm so tempted to take some I can have some quiet time and my brain and actually talk in a straight line and do things

And I don't think that my psychiatrist is a very good psychiatrist other than knowing that I need to be on my anxiety medication

Like I've explained to you I've been on every anxiety medication and this is the only one that works with my brain and I don't fucking know why other than there's an extra o-ring and I've tried the non binzo medications as well and they don't do anything

And I don't really want to be talking about this almost obsessively like I'm not talking about it on purpose it's just like compulsive

I understand that there's nothing that I can do about that right now and it's unlikely that anything is going to happen to fix it but my brain just keeps rolling it over and over and over and over and overrun and my head and it's very annoying so it's coming out of my mouth and process

And Doctor Todd said that he thought that region's medical fucked me up because I was just talking like this after I got out andHe was worried about brain damage and all sorts of shits that they could have done to me with the medicines they gave me and I never got a list of those medicines and I never got a copy of my charts from that facility because they refused to give them to me because I was going to Sue them and then my parents were going to help me get a lawyer and then all of the sudden they just stopped trying to help me and I ended up not Sue anyone I should have

And this man is probably fucking up other people because I wasn't the only patient that Doctor Todd had to fix after he fucked other people up

And Doctor Todd told me that he thought that I was probably processing things out loud and hyperverbal because of the ADHD But I think it's like a combination of autism and that and o CD an anxiety and it's just this monster ball of crap and if I could only just fucking calm down and have some peace and my brain would feel better

And I talked to a friend of mine that's a general practitioner and he told me that he thinks the same thing as my last psychiatrist thinks he thinks that they put me on so many different medicines that it fucked up my brain chemistry or something to that effect and he thinks that I have probably a Saratoga and dopamine oxytocin all the feel good work right brain chemicals like he thought that I might have an imbalanceAnd I'm like 00k so what do I do about that and he's like well you would need to get back on your medicine for your attention deficit disorder obviously because if you're out of dopamine or you're low on that you can't function very well and I'm like well yeah and I'm like man I wish you could be my Doctor and he's like I technically could but I am in Mississippi and I'm like well shit I can't really move to Mississippi and that was the end of that conversation

I mean I'm scared that I'm gonna wake up in my electricity is going to be turned off tomorrow because my dad is mad at me

I'm scared that they're not going to unblock me and I will have no parents to talk to

I don't want to talk to Travis everyday and some days I don't and he calls me frantically like I'm dead or something and I'm like dude you don't have to worry about me like that I was just taking a quiet day and I of talking everyday because I'm just chatting with you while you're at work and repeating the same things over and over

And he's like oh it's no problem I don't care it doesn't bother me let me just tailor myself to be the perfect guy for you and not take care of other shit for myself andAnd I keep having to mention out loud to other people who say that we're such a cute couple that he's like my brother and I don't care if that's embarrassing or annoying to himBecause I set a clear boundary

But like I have pattern recognition and I'm noticing a pattern in his behavior that I have noticed with other men that I was not interested in that continued to pursue me no matter what I said to them

So I'm watching very carefully and I'm wary that we even have a friendship

And I mean it very well could just be because of all the shit I went through with past friends and boyfriends and Justin recently and

I don't know I just feel currentlyA whole bunch of different ways

I feel used and empty and lonelyAnd I'm tired of crying and understand that I need to feel my feelings and let them out but this feels like grief that just will not go away and it's not depression I know the difference because I lived with depression deep dark nasty depression most of my life and it's not like I forgot what it felt like

I'm scared I don't feel secure I don't want to be alone

And if I do have some sort of inner child then maybe that's it maybe that's where all the fear is coming from I don't know

I don't think I've ever met my inner child I don't even know if I have one

I don't think I do because I don't think that I developed correctly growing up due to the traumas I had

I don't really even remember being a kid and doing things that kids got to do

I feel like I've gotten trouble for how I played with toys

I feel like if I didn't let my dad win aboard games that I would be in trouble because he would always throw tantrums when he lost like would flip the fucking board

I don't know what to do and I don't want to live in low-income housing because if I can't live in this apartment complex with these people I'm not gonna make it in low Income housing at all and I don't want to fucking live in that environment

And you know they told me June or July I would get to move and now they're telling me oh August end of July and beginning of August and now it's like September and then now it's like oh we're not gonna move you at all just hang it up get over and it's not happening

But then they're telling me I need to be patient if I want to move which does it make sense with the last statement at all so I'm tired of getting mixed messages and all I've been asking my parents for its clarity because I'm going fucking insane trying to figure out when I need to do things and they're asking me to wait and so I'm putting my entire life on hold which is actually a pretty common thing for me

If I have one appointment to go to and I have other things I need to get done I will do nothing in prepare myself all day for that appointment and then I will go home and do more nothing

And I have been told that that is like a classic ADHD thing

And I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that

And I just want to have a life

Like I just want to fucking do something but every time I try to make plans for myself my parents like since this in a psychic way somehow and they call me and they're like OK so we're gonna do this this this this and it's not Michael I had plans and then they have a tantrum so I have to cancel my plans to do things with them and thenAnd I tried to explain this to them and then they're like what plans did you have you don't have a life you said you don't have any friends

And I don't really feel like I have any true friends I feel like the people that understood me are all dead

I mean call Travis my best friend and he's not a terrible person even though I'm noticing a weird pattern with him but I mean I guess he's a friend I don't know if I would call him my best friend but I just say that because I don't know what else to say

And I don't feel like I have a life because of my parents because when I was old enough to go out and do things and I did that I would get my phone blown up because I would forget to do the dishwasherAnd I would be called home just to do the dishes

And that's fucked up because I was just trying to live my life and make social connections and make friends and things like that and dishes can wait or they could have done them themselves

Nobody at that point in time was so crippled that they couldn't have just loaded the dishwasher

I was young and I was just trying to go out and hang out with friends and I remembered later when I was hanging out with friends and I was like oh damn I'm gonna get in trouble for that and sure enough I would get a phone call and then one of my friends would be aggravated that they had to drive me back homePeople would get sad that I had to leave or they wouldn't understand why I had to just go home and do the dishes and I couldn't come back and hang out and this is from the time I was like old enough to go hang out with people into my 20s

My parents exerted control over me until I was able to move out and they still figured out a way to fuck with my head on phone calls and that started when I moved out the hang up call back scream at me hang up call back scream at me convince me that I need to call them back and frantically apologize and I don't fucking apologize anymore because they don't ever apologize to me when they're off the wall insane mean ass shit that they say

And of course it's never said in text so it's hearsay isn't that funny

They make themselves look good in text form and then I look like the reactive abuse asshole

I don't know what to do anymore about anything am I supposed to just rot in my bed

A psychfacility isn't going to do anything for me

Medications aren't gonna relieve fix anything else

I mean I'm terrified that my primary care is going to admit me to efficiency on Monday or Tuesday whenever my next appointment with her is

And I don't even want to go

I don't want to go to that appointment and talk about all the other health problems that I'm dealing with that I don't talk about here or with anybody else

Because nobody wants to talk about how painful and awful it is to have chronic boils and cysts that no Doctor can seem to figure out what the cause is or treat properly I just keep having this fucking infection and so even if I did meet somebody I couldn't be sexual with them and if I could then that would be a miracle because people are going to see the cysts and think that STD or an STI And it's not because we've ruled that out I'm literally singing an infectious disease as Doctor about like why I don't make Anna body's for covid

And then I have this mysterious versioh herpes that pops app next to my eye that they can't really figure out because I get like facial drooping and numbness and tingling and shit like that now I'm like OK well am I having a fucking stroke or is it my nervous system because of the herpes or what because some asshole with herpes on their mouth or possibly I don't know I was a tiny child when this happened somebody got it on my cheekbone next to my eyes so when I get super duper Immune system fucked up and stressed out all at the same time I'mSurprised I don't have a big giant rash under my eye with my eyes swollen and I'm surprised that that's not happening right now because it usually does when I'm under a huge amount of stress

I don't think my parents are taking me seriously at all about anything ever because they just call me dramaddict and I'm not trying to be dramatic and I don't act dramatic on purposeLike that. Like the most that I purposefully act dramatic is what I'm trying to a moat enough for people to understand when they aren't catching on to they aren't catching on to the fact that I'm making a joke or something but cause apparently my internal voice definitely doesn't match my external voice at all and I don't sound flat to myself but to everybody else I do and so they can't tell if I'm making a joke or not half of the time And I happen to have pretty dry dark humor so that can create problems because they're not catching my inflections or anything so I have to try extra hard and then That's really frustrating

You know I do sit around and I do try to remember good parts of my life like very impactful parts like the opposite of a trauma I don't know if there's a specific word for the opposite of a trauma I always wonder if they're like a psychological term that they made up for something but I never looked into it but anyway I guess you could say a joyous moment in my life that wasn't a trauma and I can't really think of much of them