#logging off for the day because the LAST thing my brain needs right now is to STIR this green goop cauldron (chuckle)

[brown-little-robin]

remind me not to stay up until midnight

[charmedimsure]

Silent Nights

pairing: Cahir x reader

summary: After an unexpected battle, you fear that Cahir has grown to resent you

word count: 1.4k

warnings: light swearing, implied smut at the end, canon-typical violence, light spoilers for the books but I tried to keep it vague

A/N: had book Cahir in my head for this one but hopefully it works for the show too. I tried to keep it gender neutral so lmk if I slipped up anywhere A/N part 2: I wrote this so long ago and forgot to post it so i'm just gonna do it now haha

The battle on the bridge over the Yaruga had put a small stop to your mission. Most of the company had obtained injuries in the battle, but thankfully nothing too serious. Milva, however, was going to need at least a week until she could get back into the saddle. She was in good hands with Regis taking care of her, but her body needed to rest.

Everyone spent time doting on Milva, but after a day she got fed up and yelled at everyone, so it was decided that she would be left to just Regis and occasionally Geralt.

You tried to focus on preparing for when Milva could get back in the saddle and your company would be on the move again, but your mind hadn't stopped racing since the battle, one specific moment replaying in your brain over and over.

You rushed through the gap that Cahir had made through the Nilfgaardian attackers, joining the Lyrian guerrillas in defending against the Black Ones. The Lyrians had been surrounded by the Nilfgaardians, but Cahir was able to charge right through them with the horse he had taken from a Nilfgaardian cavalryman at some point during the fight.

You slashed at a soldier when someone ran into you from behind, knocking you to the ground. A Nilfgaardian officer was standing above you. You crawled backwards away from him, but your head was kicked by a heavily armored foot, making your vision spin. The officer had his sword held high, about to strike, and you were in no way ready to dodge or parry, closing your eyes to prepare for the hit.

The blow never came. With his sword still raised in the air, the battle cry on the officer's lips was hushed as he fell to his knees. You looked up to see Cahir standing behind him, his blade covered in blood. He moved to help you up when he looked at the dying officer. You watched the way his eyes widened in recognition.

"Morteisen?" he said, unable to look away from the face of the Nilfgaardian.

You could barely make out the surprised "Cahir?" that came out of the officer's mouth before he slumped over, unmoving.

You could see the emotions on Cahir's face, but before you could say anything, your vision started to turn black and you felt yourself falling into Cahir's body, the last thing you remember seeing is the retreating Nilfgaardian army and the celebrating Lyrian soldiers.

It had been days since the battle and Cahir had barely said anything, often in his own world. Ever since he had joined the group, you and Cahir had been inseparable. You both were the only two who had trouble falling asleep at night, which led to late night conversations under the stars that had become deeper as time went on, telling each other things that you hadn't told anyone before. Over the span of just a few weeks Cahir became someone who you cared for deeply, possibly more than you had ever cared for anyone. But now the nights were filled with silence.

You couldn't help but feel the guilt take over you. Cahir had killed someone he knew because of you, possibly killed a friend because you had let yourself get caught off guard.

That night while everyone helps to make soup for dinner, you sit on a log next to Cahir, helping him peel the vegetables. He looks up at you as you sat down before turning his attention back to the carrot in his hand. The two of you sit in silence for a few minutes before you speak up.

"Were you close with him?" you ask. Cahir gives you a confused look. "The officer. Were you close with him?"

Cahir takes a deep breath and looks down at the food in his hands. "Mortiesen. We joined around the same time. Trained together. He was one of the first people I met in the army."

You can feel tears well up in your eyes as you fix your gaze back on your vegetables.

"I'm sorry," you say quietly, not even sure if Cahir is able to hear you. Out of the corner of your eye you can see Cahir's confused face again. "I'm sorry that you killed one of your friends because of me. And I understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore."

His confused expression changes to one of concern. Cahir shifts closer to you and gently takes the potato and the knife out of you hands, placing them down next to his.

"Why wouldn't I want to talk to you anymore?" he asks, taking your chin between his thumb and forefinger to make you look at him.

"You've been really quiet these past few days, I don't know if you're regretting killing him," you say, a tear sliding slowly down your cheek.

Cahir moves his hand to cup your cheek and uses his thumb to wipe away the stray tear. "I never imagined that would happen, but I will never regret what I did."

"You don't?" you ask, searching his stormy blue eyes and finding nothing but sincerity.

"Not at all," he says, leaning in closer so your faces are only a few inches apart. "Because if I hadn't killed him, he would have killed you."

You can see the tears start to form in his eyes. "Then why have you been so distant?"

He closes his eyes and puts his forehead against yours.

"Because I almost lost you," he whispers. "I saw you on the ground, and I saw him raising his sword to strike, and I just couldn't let anything happen to you. I was so scared that he was going to kill you."

You pull back from him a bit to look at him. You search his eyes again, wanting to make sure he means all of this.

"But your friend..." you say, barely above a whisper. Cahir takes your face in both of his hands and looks over your features.

"I would have killed Emperor Emhyr himself to keep you safe."

Your breath catches in your throat. You watch as Cahir's eyes flicker from your eyes to your lips and back up, as if asking for permission. You give him a small nod, and he closes the space between you.

You've kissed people before, but never like this. Your kiss is full of desperation for each other, pouring everything you feel for each other into it. Your hands slide up to his hair while he moves one hand to the back of your neck, angling your head to kiss you even deeper. You disconnect to take a breath before reconnecting again, needing to feel each other, needing to know that this is real.

Cahir takes the hand from your cheek and drags it down the side of your body, letting it slip underneath the fabric of your shirt to roam on your skin. A groan comes out of you at the feeling of his hand on your body, and you lightly tug his hair, Cahir releasing a groan of his own.

"Hey, are you done with the veg- oh shit!"

You jump apart and whip your heads in the direction of the voice, revealing a red-faced Dandelion. You're sure that your own face is not much different from the bard's.

Dandelion opens and closes his mouth a few times as if deciding what to say before he lands on a quick "I'll just grab them later" and runs off, leaving you alone again.

You sit in silence for a few moments, processing what just happened.

"He's going to tell everyone, isn't he?"

"He's definitely already telling them."

"We're never going to hear the end of this, huh?"

"Oh, never."

You turn back to face each other and quickly fall into a mess of laughter, Cahir hugging you close to his chest.

"Well, that just means I can do more of this," he says, pulling you into another kiss. You chuckle against his lips, feeling his smile.

"I'm sorry to stop you because we've all been waiting for this, but we really need those vegetables, Milva's threatening to shoot us if we don't finish the soup soon!"

You and Cahir break apart once again with a sigh.

"We're coming!" you yell, starting to get up. Cahir picks up the skinned vegetables from his cloak on the ground.

"To be continued," he says, pressing one last short kiss to your lips before walking off in the direction of Dandelion's voice, leaving you to follow after him, trying to calm your smile and prepare yourself to be bombarded upon your return to the group.

That night the two of you sneak away from the group, and for the first time in days you don't spend the night in silence, much to the displeasure of Geralt and his sensitive witcher hearing.

[elffees]

How Fragile Allyship is Portrayed in Frontiers of Pandora

So I really love this audio log from Priya and needed to talk about it. This entire post will be based on this log.

Transcript:

"I ... it's Priya. Obviously. I don't know what day it is. Nothing makes sense... Alma's dead. Alma. Is. Dead.

Oh wow. That's weird. But you know what the really weird, screwy part is? There's this whole other Alma just walking around. Except she's not blue and she's got tiny eyes. Do we all have such tiny eyes? I just ... I feel like good Alma was killed. And we're left with this other one who everyone hates. But really it's the same person. Or is it?

I don't know what to think. I'm not really the one for existential crises, but this is a real brain-breaker. And I'm ... I'm sad. My friend died. No. No. She was murdered. I know she did some bad things, but Nor had no right. I'm glad he's gone. Maybe he's glad too. He never liked it here. Never liked us. Humans.

But we're trying to help. Alma was trying to help. She was protecting them. She tried. Right? Mercer's the bad one. That's all I know for sure. And that other Alma... she wants to hang out, just like old times. But... she's not my friend. Not— I think I hear someone. Signing off."

This audio log can be found in the Resistance Hideout.

I really like this log because it encapsulates the different ways allies & marginalized peoples view and are affected by certain situations.

Disclaimer before I start: I am not saying Priya is a bad person, nor am I saying allies are bad people.

For starters, I can understand why Priya, and likely other Resistance members, have mixed feelings towards Alma. It's a very complex situation. So Priya regarding it as "weird" and being at a complete loss makes sense.

What I want to focus on in this post are the last 3 paragraphs. Where she expresses confusion and hurt because "Good Alma was murdered".

I think this right here is a very well written distinction on how allies and the marginalized communities they assist experience situations differently.

Alma's Reveal

Everyone had their worlds turned upside down when Alma confessed the full extent of her actions in TAP. Alma admits that her avatar was a tool for manipulation. Although she may care for the Sarentu children now, for the majority of their relationship, from the genocide, to TAP, to being frozen and left behind, Alma's avatar was a tool to manipulate and coerce Na'vi into viewing her (and by extension TAP, then later the Resistance) as "one of them". As someone to trust and relate to. The purpose of her having an avatar was to act as a golden ticket into Na'vi society.

Alma was not "murdered". There is no "good" or even "bad" Alma. There is only Alma.

The human who played a role in the massacre of a clan, then manipulated its survivors for years, then left them behind to remain in stasis for nearly 2 more decades.

Who is also the human who founded the Western Resistance and tried to band together several Na'vi clans to protect Pandora, who encouraged the Sarentu to reclaim their culture and customs the ones that didn't expose her ofc, and who helped rid Pandora of cackling narcissist John Mercer.

There is only ONE Alma that has done all of these things.

Alma was not "murdered". Her tool of manipulation was destroyed. The object, the mask, the weapon that gave Alma her power and confidence and that helped her fool not only the Sarentu, not only the Resistance, but also herself into thinking she was something she was not, was taken from her.

Alma was not murdered. She was thrust back into reality.

And so, Priya's last 3 paragraphs interest me. It's completely fine that she mourns the image of who she thought Alma was. In a way I think the Sarentu (sans Nor) do as well. Everyone thought Alma was just a good person who only wanted to help with no ulterior motives. It's painful to realize that was far from the case.

But then Priya goes on to hate Nor. She spits his name out like a curse. Glad he's gone because "he never liked them anyway". That he had no right to "murder" Alma because she only did a few "bad things".

There's a lot to unpack there.

Priya's Blaming of Nor & It's Ties to Fragile Allyship

I want to break down the lines one by one.

She was murdered. I know she did some bad things, but Nor had no right.

For starters, it is EXTREMELY COMMON for allies of marginalized communities to "insert their two cents" on a delicate topic. More often than not when there is inter-community issues, allies have a tendency to say the phrase: "I'm [insert demographic] so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt, BUT I think..." Any and all oppressed classes have heard this phrase from MILLIONS of allies before.

The FOP writers did remarkably well at capturing what allyship looks like when writing the Resistance. Because Priya, as a human formerly part of the oppressive group trying to wipe out the Na'vi and Pandoran wildlife, fully believes she can judge whether Nor had a right or not.

It's not her call.

She cannot determine whether Nor was justified or not because she, as someone part of the privileged class in the world of the game, has never suffered from the harm that Alma's avatar has caused.

She, and none of the Resistance members, were raised by Alma's avatar.

They were not lied to by Alma's avatar for YEARS about the true fate of their families and loved ones.

They were not encouraged to view Alma as a mother-figure or nurturing teacher or beloved caretaker, when she was actually just eager for fame and success.

They were not put into cryosleep and then left behind for 16 MORE YEARS with suspicions that this abandonment was an intentional coverup.

They did not suffer any of that.

They saw her as the leader of the Resistance and as a friend, which does cause an impactful betrayal of course, but Alma's avatar never tried to force them to see her as family. As someone to love.

While Priya only says all this in a private audio log and thankfully doesn't say it to any of the Sarentu or god forbid So'lek, these are her thoughts. The simple fact she believes she can judge Nor, that she has the capacity and authority to scold one of the main victims, is a reoccurring feature of privileged allies who struggle to realize that they cannot relate or ever fully understand how marginalized communities experience oppression.

Priya says Nor had "no right" to "murder" Alma. When truthfully, Priya has no right to judge how the Sarentu feel and respond.

I'm glad he's gone. Maybe he's glad too. He never liked it here. Never liked us. Humans.

After Priya attempts to place judgement on Nor's actions, she then dives deeper.

She is glad Nor is gone. Not ONLY because of what he did to Alma's avatar. No. She is also glad he's gone because Nor was not friendly.

Another prime instance of fragile allyship is that allies tend to believe that marginalized people are only worth their sympathy if they're likeable.

This has a lot ties to the "Perfect Victim" concept.

Because Nor was not friendly, because his trauma caused him to distrust humans and he did not quickly get over it and befriend Resistance members, he is undeserving of as much sympathy as the other Sarentu.

It's seen as a positive that he's gone (despite the fact he ran away in clear emotional distress.) Not just because of what he did to Alma's avatar, but because now Priya and the Resistance no longer have to assist someone that's "ungrateful" and "not as nice" as they should be.

The purpose of being an ally is to help oppressed classes survive against circumstances that would otherwise have them discriminated against or have them dead. Being a truly good ally should not hinder on whether the person is "likeable" or "grateful" for their services. But sadly, in the real world, that is one of the most common "conditions" a LOT of allies have when it comes to offering support. How much they like the person or groups they claim to want to help.

Allyship is more often than not based on likeability, rather than morality.

But we're trying to help. Alma was trying to help. She tried. Right?

Another feature of fragile allyship is the tendency to change sides.

Priya agrees that what Alma did was wrong. She understands that.

But because of the simple fact that Alma is human, Priya not only relates but tries to defend Alma's actions. Seeing herself in Alma is understandable because they are both human and were friends. The problem comes when Priya begins to project and defend Alma's actions.

It doesn't matter that by her own admission Alma's main goals were fame and achievement. It doesn't matter how much the Sarentu are hurt by her actions. It doesn't matter that Nor was outraged. It doesn't matter that even calm and collected Ri'nela was disgusted. It doesn't matter HOW the Sarentu, as the direct victims, feel about Alma's actions. It doesn't matter that intent ≠ impact.

Alma is human like Priya, so from Priya's POV, Alma's 'intentions' hold more value than how the Sarentu were impacted. "We're" trying to help. Alma was trying to help. So her actions can't have been that bad. Right?

Mercer's the bad one. That's all I know for sure.

And finally, this is another feature of how allies tend to respond to things.

Of the two, Mercer is the one who unabashedly committed the massacre and oppressed the Sarentu for years. Mercer is "the bad one" because his actions are overt. They are clear cut, obvious, and maniacally evil.

When real world marginalized groups face microaggressions or covert prejudice, allies have a tendency to step in and defend the offender. "Hm, I don't think that was racist." "Are you sure that's homophobic?" "It's just a word. I don't see how it can be ableist to say." - "It's not like it's really hurting anyone."

When oppression is not as clear cut to allies, they tend to dismiss it entirely. It doesn't matter how the victims feel about the situation. As discussed earlier in the post, allies tend to think they have the authority and capability to make judgements on prejudice they do not face, and ergo believe they can determine how "bad" something really is. Better than the marginalized class can themselves.

In Priya's eyes, Alma is better than Mercer because Mercer's oppression was harsh yelling, explosions, and murder. "Mercer's the bad one" while Alma was "only trying to help."

But in truth, both Mercer and Alma have done and continued to do harmful things. They both played a part in the decimation and continued manipulation of the Sarentu. Both for their own selfish purposes.

Oppression has many faces. It does not always look the same, it is not always a mustache twirling villain. It can be subtle and quiet. It can be hidden behind gentle eyes and smiles. It can be from "good intentions" just as easily as it comes from "bad intentions". It can be subconscious, it can be self aware, it can be secretive, it can be out in the open. It can be many things. There is not only "one bad" style.

Oppression is just as diverse as the communities it aims to harm.

Conclusion

I want to reiterate that I do not dislike Priya and this post isn't a hate campaign against her. I know many dudebros in the fanbase unfairly criticize her.

The point of this post is to applaud the FOP writers. It is very rare when mainstream media is able to accurately depict how fragile allyship is. Priya's reaction to Nor stabbing Alma's avatar is painfully realistic to the many ways allies have reacted to certain situations in the real world.

This is one of the many reasons why I love this game and feel it hits home. Not only can I relate to the Na'vi clans, but my god can I relate to the way allies are written in relation to them. And I feel like this audio log from Priya, while brief and easily missable, is one of the prime moments of realism this game portrays really well.

[oceanlipgloss]

MILK

BELPHEGOR.

+ warnings: angst, strong language.

+ my mc is the heroine, so the pronouns are feminine.

Milk helps put souls to sleep. Mouths like to drink it hot. White that once clouded clear glass with twists of steam slithers down throats and pours into stomachs. It’s been that way since old times and the dawn of history, perhaps—a tradition in many households.

As a general rule, children love their nightly pint of hot milk. As grown-ups, many of them cherish it. The liquid had followed them, after all, flowing behind them into good ol’ dull adulthood.

Now he, normally he never needed silly methods like that. No ‘sleep-helpers’ for him, thanks. His organic chemistry championed the slumber department.

Just not that night.

In those star-flecked hours, he just couldn’t sleep.

Dry flakes of milk dotted the glass to his right. Under the lamp’s light they had looked like a blueberry mix: violet freckles, lavender stars, purple planets.

Even with his head in her soft lap, her fingers in his uncombed hair, and the exhaustion slowly glazing the inner chambers of his veins, he couldn’t make himself doze off and away.

Maybe his body would not surrender to sloth because of her presence.

He wasn’t thinking about anything in particular, but his brain was as alive as an electric wire is: a curly leech pulsing with its own sort of glimmering currents and glistening life. There was an entire galaxy in his mind. A milky way.

Something was flicking blurry nightmares at his soul.

His tired eyes watched. Fake planets moved lazily above him, in a perfect circle, almost as though they were doing their own ritual. The ringed one in the middle had to be the oracle. No one knew anything about the little magical meeting. It was amusing; even still objects can do things they want.

He thought of fairy dust.

His head was spinning. He felt dizzy. Not physically. Something inside him was twirling around itself, spiralling. Would anyone understand? If he tried explaining. Would they know what he meant?

One hour, two hours, three. After each other they passed. He could hear her soft breaths. His fingertips pressed against her cheek. Pillow-soft. Someone else would’ve compared it to a marshmallow. A dent formed between her brows. His skin was cold.

Counting stars was too romantic. Rosy. He was in a black mood. Back to the classics: he began to count sheep.

One pink sheep, two pink sheep, three...

Everywhere in the universe, creatures resort to many of the same things, it seems.

It wasn’t that late when the answer came to him. He hadn’t ever lost it, not really. He hadn’t even needed to look. It had been there all along, the thing nagging at him. It crawled to him by itself, on its own hands and feet. It was a fear.

Again he remembered that, years from now—hopefully many, many years from now—on a sleepless night like this, he would be yet another insomniac lying in his bed or on the floors.

Alone.

That night he just couldn’t sleep well. He dreamt of fading stars and planet collisions.

Hot milk helps put souls to sleep, does it? Fuck hot milk. It didn’t do shit, did it?

+notes: I honestly didn't want to log in, but I like to post fics the day I write them on 'cause I don't write dates down next in my notes and instead use Tumblr as a sort of accurate timeline to keep track of when I wrote something/last wrote anything at all my AO3 dates have mostly not heard of accuracy (transl.: since I'm somewhat writing again now, this may very well be repeated). Anyways *quietly sneaks u 100mg of existential horrors*

+ MASTERLIST

+ AO3 POST

©𝙤𝙘𝙚𝙖𝙣𝙡𝙞𝙥𝙜𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙨

[solarwynd]

Tbh I don't even care / dislike boycott armys. If you don't want to spend money on BTS because they haven't spoken about Palestine, that's your perogative. Because they're enlisted, that does make a difference for me - maybe others find it an excuse but as someone who doesn't live in a liberal western country myself, I know how things like this work in my country and how vulnerable you can be in this situation, so I don't know how it works in s korea but still I'm giving them some leeway. Also there's just this weird disconnect for me because on one side yeah they're millionaires with a huge platform, on the other side they're currently in the mfing army right now. It feels foul to start tweeting about their privilege from the comfort of my bed in my home - something they currently do not experience. That's just my opinion. Someone else might perceive them to have more power than I do and maybe they're right. I won't say mine is the only right way to think. Plus again it's your money - if you donate more and spend less on merch then that's still a net good imo.

But the whole tone of people remarking on this donation has been completely gross. The way they talk about a genocide the same way they talk about the stupid fanwars that happen on twt everyday rather than with the weight it deserves makes me feel like this is some performative bs. Tweets like the ones some armys and kpop stans make just degrades the whole movement.

If you do have genuine intentions and start making stupid tweets like that, you should really touch some grass, log off twitter and do some more actual activism offline instead of letting twitter brain worms consume you. Acting like everyone's misconstruing what you said and playing victim is also not the move. This is a serious topic so I'd expect tweets related to this to have some actual thought behind it instead of spewing some idiocy as a gotcha because again it looks like you're treating this whole issue like some fandom war and trying to one-up the other side. Click-clack my ass.

Armys always come at BTS crazy during times like this and it’s not because it’s “necessary” since you want them to speak up. It all just comes off as sanctimonious and BTS ruining the perception armys have built around them as stans of them being a bit more conscientious than other k groups. I’ve never had an issue with boycotting in theory it’s just that armys can’t stand behind shit or just go about it the wrong way.

Why is it the minute they don’t perform to your exact standards, all of a sudden they’re low down and evil?Why couldn’t y’all have used Jimin donating as a beacon to rally fans to open a pool or something? And I try not to go tit for tat on things like this, but it’s extremely hard not to when you see proof of all these armys happily buying and streaming golden from last year and have been the main ones making these posts about jimin’s donation.

Nothing has changed from that time to present day. Same with the kpop stans trying to join in on it stanning groups who haven’t said a word either. How do you expect me not to believe y’all don’t have ulterior motives by singling him or BTS out? Now all those accounts have deleted those tweets cause they’ve gotten called out on their hypocrisy and got caught up in how dumb they look getting Jimin dragged over something so harmless. Cause it’s not like he gave money to something inane or inconsequential. He’s helping underprivileged children. Just real dickheaded behavior from that person.

Now considering how a member has close ties with scooter, making a statement would come off as hypocritical. I know in the grander scheme of things, what’s needed and what’s important is the awareness and I’d take it as such. But denouncing Zionism with a Zionist so avidly in the mix still wouldn’t be a good look. Which is why I feel like donating would have been the better option. It’d be much more substantial helping out with funds/materials imo because those are things Palestinians desperately need. But I understand that it’s not on the table since they’re in the military.

[fallenfaiiry]

I noticed you haven't been as active on social media as you were even a few months ago.. is there any reason? I hope ur okay🖤

aw thank you for checking up on me🥺 honestly i've been struggling on and off with my mental health and trying to find medication that works. i've had it switched a couple times recently and even had a super bad reaction to one that landed me in a mental hospital. (well it was a combination of medication and other stuff.)

i think ive finally found one that works but as most psyche meds do, they've been making me act different. i've grown a bit tired of the kind of content i've been making for a long time now. my interests haven't changed at all. i still have the same interests, i'm just bored of the way i've been presenting them and myself if that makes sense😂

idk if bored is the right word. the "aesthetic"/overall vibe of my social media usually reflects the way i feel. and right now when i log on i see all the things i like but its presented in a way that doesn't feel like myself. its still me but i think in the last couple months i've grown a lot now that i've actually taken steps to learn about my newly diagnosed autism and started getting legitimate help for my bipolar disorder.

what it really comes down to is i just need to organize my brain and my pages on here a lot. i plan on revamping my tumblr and all my other social media to fit how i'm currently feeling. but i just haven't felt like doing it because the smallest tasks like that have reaaally been draining me mentally. it fucking sucks. but its been a lot better since i've had a bit of time to adjust to all the changes i've made for myself.

so i'm thinking i'll probably do a big "update" to all my social media either within the next few days or soonish lol sorry its taken me so long to answer ur anon. like i said, i've been mentally exhausted for a long time now and i just didnt know what the problem was until i was able to start thinking more clearly. having bipolar disorder is so difficult. because its both mania and depression. and it makes it extremely difficult to organize my thoughts when i'm struggling. idk if "regular" ppl deal with that but its always been an issue for me.

my content will most likely still be the same. i just might start adding some new stuff here and there and incorporate a lot of the new styles and aesthetics i've been into as of late. and perhaps diversify my content a bit too, because i have a lot of interests and fascinations with many things that i don't even post about online! 🥰

i hope i was able to give u an answer in the least confusing way possible. i'm terrible at explaining things. especially about myself😂 hence why most of the questions i answer always end up being paragraphs 😭

[melrosing]

MATE I have a feeling I am so late to this but what happened to your job!

lmao! so much! but I don’t have it anymore! ok you didn’t ask for the full story lmao but im always in the mood for venting lately so the full tale under the cut on What Happened With My Job

so without getting into detail they have been absolute asses all year!! like with each other the women in my team are like Bosom Pals but apart from a handful of pleasant people they just have no time for me lol it’s very cliquey??

anyway. we had some really difficult clients in the Spring who were ready to throw in the towel at every stage of our work process bc it was unfamiliar territory for them. I was leading the project but really struggling to meet their insane expectations like it was HUNDREDS of emails a day from like 8AM to 8PM and their ‘head of’ sometimes swearing at me on calls with a dozen other people and thinking I can work magic and get [MAJOR CELEBRITY] involved in a thing for them when objectively I can’t and just scream. anyway my directors get really uneasy because this is a big client and they don’t want them getting scared off so when the client starts reaching a crescendo of frustration they fully just scapegoat me right at the end of the campaign (at which point our results are great! lmao) and say it will be Dealt With

around the same time I start to realise that the business is failing and my ‘specialist position’ is typically the first kind to go and that COINCIDENTALLY they are on my ass day after day trying to insist im not meeting their ‘standards’ and genuinely making up the most insane reasons why not (like I know I’d be biased saying this but SERIOUSLY) so im like ohhh right. I see where this is going

THEN my dad gets goddamn incurable brain cancer and my whole life falls apart. and they suddenly have to be like ‘oh no. I am sorry this has happened. oh dear.’ I’m off two weeks having a complete mental breakdown until im kindly reminded that cough I’ve almost used up my statutory days of compassionate leave! but per company guidelines they do have to manage my workload whilst i er. struggle indefinitely w the emotional burden?? so my capacity is thus reduced and man you can tell they’re not thrilled about it

so they basically check in every Friday for a month saying ‘hope everything is ok can you take on more work yet’ CONSPICUOUSLY never asking how anything is going with dad (like when I first logged back in I had a catch up with my line manager and kind of tremulously started talking about what had happened and she literally said ‘it’s ok you don’t need to tell me the details’)

THEN I get GASTROENTERITIS 💃🏻 god knows how. but it’s a bad one and I physically can’t eat for a week man I eat like a banana a day and even that makes me sick lol. but whatever the first day I phone in and tell my director im not well. she’s like ‘WELL I ACTUALLY HAVE SO MUCH TO MANAGE RIGHT NOW SO THIS REALLY ISN’T HELPFUL LIKE I GET YOU CAN’T HELP BEING SICK BUT I REALLY NEED TO BE ABLE TO RELY ON MY TEAM TO SUPPORT COS WE HAVE A LOT COMING UP’ (I’m not even kidding)

so on the third day I log back in bc I feel like I need to just push through it but oh no im still vomiting my guts out so I message the same director ‘look I think maybe. I am still sick’ and she says NOTHING in response till I suddenly get a text from my LINE MANAGER saying ‘Hi. X says you say you still don’t feel well. We understand it’s food poisoning. That usually only lasts 24 hours’. LIKE??? apparently with all the compassionate leave I’d had to take, the sick leave was just too much for them to bear lmao so i got myself a goddamn doctor’s note and have to announce every day for the rest of that week ‘I’m still not well sorry’ (they never ever reply)

Then finally I recover and I log back in and my director doesn’t ask me how I am or anything literally just says ‘WELL let’s get straight to business’ and explains the status of everything at me for 20 mins going on about how stressful it all is.

And then an hour later I get a surprise call from my head of department telling me unforch they’re making me redundant. can’t be helped. understand this is a bad time for you personally. (said head of department has never addressed what bad thing is happening personally rn). and im in shock. till i figure that what with my dad this is probably an appalling time to make up some performance based reason to fire me so this was their only option

and then finally I see the paperwork and realise severance pay is a third of my annual salary. so i promptly get over it, log out halfway through the month whilst still being paid for my time till the end of it, and NOT ONE of those fuckers has even reached out to say goodbye in all that time but god knows I never want to hear from them again so?? fuck it! i told HR everything anyway I was like look I don’t want to take formal action but?? I think you should know.

and now im just gonna chill for Christmas w my dad and my fam and my pals and my cats and do my weird asoiaf shit on tumblr I guess lol. so there we go that’s what happened!!!!

tl;dr got made redundant lol

[omegaslostwine]

Original story Wip

Old 'Alpha's log.

Date: Third of the 5th blast, radial year 2604.

Location: Apex, 3rd Center Level.

Science department 6, MT's log entry for whoever might find this...

So...

Maybe you don't know me, although I doubt it. I'm hard to forget. But in case you don't recognize my existence, let me tell you that what you have in your hands now is a piece of the truth, the one that no one wants you to know. It may not be easy to understand. If this ever changes, if anyone ever finally listens to me, I don't think they will understand a single word of this log. But that's no reason for me to stop, no. If your minds have changed and our reality is different now, I only need to do one thing for you to get it. Start from the beginning.

Today I found a card: a piece of smooth cardboard, for those who don't know.

Yes, a piece of paper.

I can't remember the last time I saw real paper, much less printed paper. The card brought such an unusual drawing .

I had to look it up, since it was an archaic artifact. It was a spyglass, a kind of portable glass that it was looking upwards.

A Spyglass... Shit, keeping this image now could easily land me in jail.

Here and now, in Proxima B, this is almost a sacrilege.

THIS drawing of a staring eye looking at the sky, endowed with wings, taking off far from the city. It is a call to study the universe. A gem for any decent scientist, but a dangerous catalyst for law enforcement officers.

So it is not surprising that it is strictly prohibited.

Few know why, but those more sagacious do.

The truth is that our story does not begin in this ruined world. No, everything begins in a brighter place, where the sun sets below the horizon and in the darkness of the so-called night, you can see the thousands of stars that surround us even today.

Maybe you already know it now, but at this moment, all this information is prohibited by the Power Cabinet. They don't want you to know. They don't want you to look up.

This place of eternal twilight is the only thing we know and are allowed to know.

The blackened sky can only be seen from where the frozen air would kill you in seconds, and the blazing light from the other side of the planet would burn you alive as soon as you leave what we know as the “habitable zone.”

So we are forced to live here, piled up within this stripe in the middle of the day and night, where a reddish gloom never lets us see the starry sky.

Nobody cares though. They do not have the imagination to see beyond the visible. They don't know anything else that doesn't come from the screens around us, and their little brains don't conceive of anything else.

Rats always go for the cheese. And those at the top know how to provide for these pests.

That's Proxima B, a well-planned prison for a bunch of weak-minded rodents.

So this card is almost a gift for me, being a human thirsty for answers in a world that rejects wit.

It is reliable proof that I am right, that there were others before us. Beings who looked up at the sky and managed to conquer it.

That is what I need. This is how I will be able to create what they ask of me.

I can't stop now. I know that the answers I seek are in our past and now I just need to follow this invisible thread that connects the card to our history.

Only then I will find the origin of Proxima and the truth about humanity.

That will be my contribution to science. To this day...

The Hylum will the next...

Log signature: Mayzon Thorne

This was made with a prompt from a literature workshop I'm in. But it has a lot of information about the context of my original story 'Echoes'.

The prompt was to use the cards image of a spyglass.

You can take this as an additional content. A flash back of Mayzon's first steps before becoming 'Alpha'.

Ps: sorry if it bother someone. But the image was made with one of my sketches and Leonardo ai because I didn't want to draw. 🙏

You can find the sketches of alpha in my Tumblr.

[thegamingcatmom]

it’s me again! haha calling me “odor anon” made me laugh as much as the foot fetish gif!🤣 i forgot i should have said “it’s me…pee anon!” so you would know i was back again!👋🏻😂

i didn’t have much time earlier when i sent my message asking about the smell thing. i had just quickly sneaked on to check momma’s tag and speed read your new post.. so that’s why it was so short, ‘cause i was rushing to get my ask sent before i had to log off, hoping you would be on here at some time before i got back on tonight😭

OK so i have another question lol! so sometimes you call maggot momma ‘she’ and sometimes you call her ‘it’.. is this on purpose?

i was reading your long post again…the one inspired by mommy kink.. and in it you switch between ‘she’ n ‘it’ freely. so for example.. sometimes reader will be ‘hers’ but other times reader is ‘its’. or sometimes you’ll say ‘her hand’ and others you’ll say ‘its face’ etc.

so i was wondering if there was a reason for the switching between both? (that i’m missing because i’m dumb) or if it’s just something you hadn’t even thought about?😁

Ohhh well then, hey there and welcome back! 😄🥰

I guess that makes you...pee-odor anon then? 😅

Oh that´s okay, no need to rush at all! I do check in on my tumblr multiple times a day, especially since I´ve started writing about Maggot Mommy in greater detail. So if there´s a new ask I usually answer it right away (if I can). 😊

Although, Imma start working again on tuesday so I might not have as much time as I do now ´cause work sucksssss. 🥹

Also, pls don´t worry about an ask being too short or anything like that, really. I´m happy to receive any ask, no matter if it´s a full paragraph or a short sentence. It gives me the chance to gush and obsess about Maggot Momma and her certain someone and, ofc, there´s a real chance any new ask might just turn into the next installment of what-the-actual-fuck. 😜

So yall, don´t be shy, lemme know your kinks and quirks...

As for your question, I´m so glad you asked. 😈

Because yes, me switching between her/she and it is on purpose for multiple reasons.

As yall know, I see Maggot Momma as animalistic, feral being which acts on instincts more than anything else, is driven by them. Her deceased, rotten brain is just wired differently (meaning: she thinks her precious Drama Queen was meant for her and they belong together and she wants to climb into them and she thinks a certain someone is just as besotted with her as she is with them and-) and whenever I wanna show what´s going on in that rotten brain of hers, I use she/her. Basically Maggot Momma´s POV.

Now, imagine finding yourself in that situation - being hunted down, clawed at, sniffed at, licked like a lollipop, smothered, used as a humping pillow and-

(Doesn´t sound so bad though, does it? 🙈)

And all of that happens all day, every day and It looks like the walking dead and limbs get sent flying on a regular basis and there´s always this fear that It might just get tired of you after all and any day could be your last because you have no idea what´s going on in that rotten brain.

So, whenever I use "it" that means the story is being told from a certain someone´s POV.

Switching between "she/her" and "it" is basically me trying to show and clarify that there´s a distance - physical and emotional (more so emotional though cause Momma does as she damn well pleases and personal space wha-?) - between Maggot Momma and a certain someone. Because we have to remember that, while you as a reader do know what´s going on in Momma´s brain, they don´t.

When I write I focus mostly on the animalistic, unhinged nature of Maggot Momma and how someone would, realistically, react to that. So me using "it" means I want to stress that feral nature of hers.

Also, I rarely use actual conversation in my posts, as you might have noticed. What I do instead is trying to describe a situation as you would experience it yourself. Always keeping in mind that Maggot Momma and a certain someone have quite the different mindsets...

If you got any more questions I´ll be happy to answer them all. 😊

And now Imma get back to that rather full bladder of a certain someone...poor thing indeed.

Until then! 🤗

[bonesandthebees]

You’re reading 20 (25)?! Damn that’s a lot. I’m trying to work my way back into reading books again over reading fanfic. I thought 5 is a good starting point and if I read more I can do 10 next year.

Also, I just had a lot of mandatory reading for my English courses, which made it really difficult to read for me. I’ve had years where I needed to read 600 pages per semester, but the books never match up exactly and the prof always pick a book too, so it was like 4-6 books just during the school year and I could rarely pick something I wanted because it would have to be British English or modernism or realism or certain authors. So now I have accumulated a lot of books I want to read and I need to catch up.

The excel is mainly so I can keep track of what we have and where it is. I also log owner, genre and language for the fun of it (currently up to 4 languages but I swear we have a book in Spanish somewhere). Some books we have twice, once in the original English and the second a Dutch translation (like the Book Thief). It also allows me to learn what books my parents have so as can find them when I want to read them. (E.g. I did not know we had the Princess Bride, it might have been mentioned, but what do you mean it’s been in the dining room this whole time? I will be reading that some time soon.)

Also, shifting the books around into different categories is fun, because as now know my mom has an entire shift of historical fiction and so many good thrillers. And I can find books based on genre and then author alphabetically. And I get to use all our different book stops as dividers between categories. It’s fun I like organising. (Also, I now no longer have a stack of like 4 book that did not fit in my shelves thanks to shifting things around and purging a few.)

Now I just need a ‘station’ for the library books because my mom reads so many of them (she reads at least 40 books a year I don’t know how she does it. And usually she reads multiple books at the same time too. Though I think reading like an hour every day at least does help, but I ain’t got time for that).

P.s. what’s the last book you read?

-🌲

I'm an overachiever lol I got back into reading books and decided to set a super lofty goal for myself so I had to make a habit of it to follow through. I think 5 books is a great goal though! and if it goes well yeah you can increase it to 10 next year, I think that's a very smart way to do it

I 100% understand not having the time and/or mental energy for reading when you have a ton of assigned reading in school. not being in school right now definitely gives me more time and brain power for that stuff but I'm sure when I go back to grad school eventually I'm going to drop off a bit with my reading

that's such an organized excel sheet I love that. organizing it by languages as well is especially cool. I'm a lame monolingual (technically I can read a tiny bit of spanish but definitely not enough to read an entire book) so all my books are in english. that all sounds super helpful though for figuring out what book to read next

40 books a year??? insane. I have friends who read 50 a year and I'm like how the hell do you do that. I also don't get how she reads more than one book at a time. I have to zero in on whatever book I'm reading I can't flip between different ones. I try to read for about an hour every night but sometimes it ends up only being half an hour a night or if I'm tired I just don't read at all, but I'm pretty good about keeping up the habit

right now the book I'm currently reading is The Obelisk Gate by NK Jemisin (sequel to The Fifth Season), but before that the last book I finished was Sparrow by James Hynes. It was really good, but also incredibly dark. It's a historical fiction novel set in the latter half of the Ancient Roman Empire about a slave boy growing up in a brothel. I did love how real and tangible it made living in the Roman Empire feel but man. It also just made me depressed. like I appreciated how it didn't shy away from the brutal aspects of slave life in Ancient Rome but man I really needed a fantasy escape after that hence why I'm now reading The Obelisk Gate. (Also the ending kind of fell flat for me, but everything up until then was incredibly well written and really engaging)

[vega-and-the-pleiades]

Fueled by an alcohol and a content warning for some particularly impressive trauma, and bringing out the classic read more (while recognizing nerds are not gonna read this). TW for probably some dead kids, Palestinian genocide, and god fucking knows what else.

I'm starting to feel like younger generations have a problem fetishizing trauma and violence. Hear me out.

I'm fully capable of recognizing that this is arguably my debut into judging the younger generation and this might very well read like a gen xer saying "man all those violent video games must be messing the kids up" but have you looked at the state of social media right now? Have you taken even a cursory glance at the doom cult that is guestimating how many of us won't survive 2024 and making a habit out of showing pictures of dead children on the regular? I'm recognizing the incredible signs of burnout amongst my pro-Palestinian friends. Discussions regarding how "I can't even bring myself to go to work when this is happening" and, more importantly, ungodly guilt trippy posts about how it's one's duty to push through that. How the only voice for the Palestinians rests upon us and if you're tired, too fucking bad. You're not going through half of what they are so you can deal and keep doing what you're doing. And you're a bad person if you don't.

I've already talked about how I work in public safety and I've seen that attitude kill my friends (or mess them up beyond reason). You know who copes well with the job? People who maintain balance in their life. People who take their weekends to go fishing or skiing or whatever the case is to get themselves ready to dive back into the mess. The ones who can't handle it don't break because they lack fortitude. They break because they work 60+ hour weeks and fail to divorce themselves from the job on their off time. They have a devastating call and don't take the sup's offer to go home early that day. That's not a sustainable model for anyone and I really feel like these youngins don't have the life experience to understand that they are irreparably damaging their brains and their bodies with this.

As a complete aside, I would be remiss if I didn't talk about my personal toll these last weeks with all this. My socials at this point are cute cats, goth fashion, and my friends. Lighthearted and low key. I don't mind activism on my feeds to any extent, and you bet I've gotten some good reminders to kick a few dollars to orgs doing relief work in Palestine and Jewish orgs doing decolonial work here and abroad. But you know what the last thing I needed to see a week before Christmas when I got off a dead kid shift was? More dead kids. We're talking active CPR, ECMO cannulation, whole nine yards on a literal child in literal person, I got home not okay, went for some cute cats on insta and the FIRST THING on my page was dead kids under rubble.

I appreciate the fact that to some of y'all, the shock value of all this is motivating. But I desperately need you to leave your approximation of the grief of seeing a dead child, or a dead pregnant person somewhere out of reach of those of us who have fucking been there, okay? And I SURE AS FUCK don't need you guilt tripping me for logging out of instagram over that, okay? I swear to god it's like some of you are so fucking desperate to live these experiences and if that's the case, public safety, healthcare, and international disaster orgs can use you. But this shit has to stop. Unmoderated doomscrolling trauma porn doesn't help you and it pushes some of us so close to the event horizon that we risk losing our literal livelihoods.

Say what you want for 2013 Tumblr. At least we had content warnings and read mores. Inb4 someone tells me I should quit my job or that I'm weak or whatever.

[cbunny9]

Thursday (01.11.24)

(Day 32/Whaddup)

This blog has reminded me of why I’ve never had a blog; I just can’t prioritize it in my brain lol. And by the time I have a second my brain is totally dead. It’s not totally dead right now but it’s getting there.

However, the longer I let myself go saying, “I’ll do it tomorrow”, it will get harder and harder to actually bring myself to do it, so here we are. I really tried to make it a thing where I have my dinner mindfully with tumblr open to log my thoughts, but it just didn’t stick. I can’t decide if it was because mindful dinners (mindful meals in general tbh) are still so difficult, or if it’s just that “blogging” in general isn’t for me lmao.

Time is weird in program.

Like cognitively I know it’s only been a few weeks since I last posted here but my body truly feels like it’s been months lol. It sounds cliché and corny but I actually do feel like a different person. I finally kind of feel like a real adult now? Like I’d just been masquerading as one for a while, but now I’m caught up with all the years I lost being a parentified child. If that makes sense.

Tomorrow is my last day doing partial hospitalization before stepping down to intensive outpatient and going back to work :)

My treatment team and I agree that it’s probably time. Recently I’ve been feeling like meals in program and in my home have been “too easy”. I’ve learned so much about how to properly nourish myself and have started building a healthier relationship with food, eating, and my body. On the other hand, being outside of my house without food planned and/or packed is still extremely stressful for me. So yeah …. the things I need to work on are out in the real world. Stepping down to a lower level of care will allow me to work on them, and challenge myself in the ways I need to be challenged.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this yet, but my boyfriend has been so enthusiastic and supportive through this whole thing. He has expressed how happy for and proud of me he is, and the fact that we can actually enjoy food together has been so impactful to our relationship. Where it felt like maybe there was a slight disconnect before, we’re able to be more deeply present with each other than ever.

Okay, now my brain is starting to really turn off lol.

I’m so grateful to past Me for making this choice for herself. I’m also so proud of her.

I’m proud of myself.

Thank you to whoever is out there reading this. Please take care of yourself.

I’m sending all my peace & love.

x

[camrynsthoughts]

should I send this to u? I don’t think so.

using writing as an escape and to let out my thoughts has always been one of my simple pleasures in life so here I am logging back into my depressing Tumblr  account. I am sitting here on a Monday night at 11 pm, with a sore throat, listening to my “it’s the past for a reason” Spotify playlist. and of course, my brain can’t simply shut up and be quiet, it has to constantly be running and thinking. and guess who it decided to think about tonight? you.

it’s been almost two months since I heard from you last and I finally told you how I felt. and let me tell you, that shit was humbling. why did I think it was going to go any different than it did? I don’t know but it’s no surprise that I'm a tad bit delusional. so that was that and I guess I'll never hear from you again. I've done my best to ignore the fact that conversation had happened and that it was, like, really the end. but when will I learn that ignoring my emotions and pretending I'm in la la land isn’t a cure to my problems. then came last night, driving home from Bloomington and listening to music when my brain finally decided it couldn’t ignore the fact that you exist but not in my life. 

it’s such a fucking roller coaster of emotions because I know I did the right thing by saying how I truly felt about you still. and I know you did the right thing by saying you’ll stop randomly messaging me. but it’s so hard to realize that was actually the end.. or was it because I mean, we’ve said that a million times before. not the point though (this is the delusion talking). driving home from Bloomington last night, all I wanted to do was text you and ask if we could talk in your car. I just had this feeling in my gut that I needed to talk to you and nobody else. this conversation was only meant for you. you’d always tell me I could rant to you and get everything off my chest and I never had anything to get off my chest. but last night I finally did and you weren’t there. and that’s when it really fucking hit me hard that I have to get the fuck over it.

I've been so angry lately. I feel like you from before when we weren’t as mature. you were always angry and I never understood how someone could have so much anger in them, but holy fuck, I honestly get it. I'm such an angry human being and it’s so ugly. but I'm sick of being nice and happy and optimistic, holy fuck I just want to be a ball of anger. when I think of you, I get this mix of love and nostalgia but then it turns into this ugly anger. I know you’re living life and happier than before and that makes me happy for you but holy fuck I'm sick of being brainwashed for years into thinking I didn’t deserve happiness and love because I fucking do. and it enrages me knowing that everyone I know has it and I still don’t til this day. it’s not your fault but god damn I just feel so drained. and at this point I don’t have the capability to be sad. I don't remember the last time I felt sad. its just anger now. and I feel like such a bitter, jealous bitch but I don't care. I think I am allowed to be angry that everyone in my life that has thrown me off to the side is the happiest they’ve ever been while I still suffer silently with absolutely no one. 

I had such a strong urge Sunday night to talk to you, see you, anything. I knew that wasn’t tangible but I was just playing out in my head me somehow getting ahold of you. and then you’d say you’re in town and that I could drive over. I'd jump in your car and just go off. not even on you, but just in general. I want to scream and I want to release all my anger because holy shit I just want to cry. I can't get myself to cry. I have so many emotions I need to release and no one would get it but you. I'm just so fucking confused because I'm not mad at you whatsoever, but why did I get the shit end of the stick? I know I'm a good person and I deserve so fucking much in life and I don't get good things that come my way. I get stepped all over and treated like garbage and I'm so fucking sick of it. why do you get to be happy now and I don't get to be as well? its selfish but I just wish I understood the way that the universe works. 

im kind of going off on this tangent of being angry but since I can’t talk to you I guess I can just write this mess. its funny how I want to be a writer and this is the shit I write in my free time. very embarrassing because writing a diary entry isn't art Camryn. whatever that's not the point. you know, I've always wanted to send you my writing. but that would be kind of creepy because majority of it is about loving you. and also you’d then see how shit of a writer I am. but it’s also the purest part of me and I wish you could've gotten to see that. god I'm getting so off topic. but it’s my writing so I can do and say whatever really.

you know sometimes I think I’ll never get over this hurt that I was never enough for you. and I know it seems silly to say that but it’s how I feel and I'm allowed to feel how I feel. you always put me off to the side and you cheated on girls with me and I was always like this side piece and I knew it but I let myself believe I wasn't. you'd tell me I was the girl you wanted to end up being with and that now just “wasn’t the time”. so you’d talk and date other girls but then still talk to me on the side and feed me all this delusion that it’d be my time one day and that one day never came and it fucks with my head still to this day. I gave you three plus years of my life and I don't regret it at all but holy shit I wish I knew how it felt to be someone’s first choice. because lets be for real, I was never your first choice or you would've been with me and not hurting me. I remember I was so delusional thinking I actually had a chance at being your real girlfriend one day. it’s so hard when someone has hurt you so much yet has also given you the most love you’ve ever been given in your life. that’s why this shit tears me apart so much because I shouldn't love you still but god damn I still do because I don't think you're a bad person at all. I just wish I was given that chance but I never really got that, and if I did, I blew it by being psycho because I didn’t want to let you go again. I believe I ruined it for myself but I also believe I never really had a fair chance honestly because I don’t know if I'd ever be enough for you. or maybe I was too much for you. I could never tell which one was true.

I'll be honest, it pisses me off that you’re with the girl that caused me to officially leave you back in 2020. it pisses me off thinking about the possibility if I didn't give up on you that she could’ve been me. but also I don’t know what makes me think that could’ve even happened because you would’ve still chosen her over me and I know you would’ve. and that's why I left. and it seems like I was right because it seems like you guys are still going strong. but then that pisses me off even more because you aren’t even 100% loyal to her since me and you had our moments over the last year. and then it makes me realize that you haven’t changed. and I don’t know why you cheat on your girlfriends with me and I don't know why I believe if I ever did get that fair chance of dating you that you wouldn’t cheat on me. it pisses me off because I'm still In love with a cheater and I’m the one who can’t seem to be happy or find love. is this all making it make sense why I am such an angry person lately?

I know that kind of just dragged you and honestly, id say I apologize but if anything you kind of deserve it. but I'll make it even by filling you in on a secret. I never ever cheated on you, and I know I never would if I ever got the chance of being your only girl. but I cheated on my most recent ex. and no one knows because it’s fucked up and I'm embarrassed about it. so I can sit here and make it seem like you’re an asshole, and I mean you have had your asshole moments. but so have i. so I can’t hate you as much as sometimes I wish I could. sometimes I think this is also why I have so much anger in me. because I know I can be a hypocrite because god damn it camryn, why are you shitting on your first love for being a cheater when you went ahead and became a cheater as well? it was only a kiss. but then I also tried reaching out to you a few times when I was in my last relationship so that shows I didn’t love the dude like that. I still wanted you and it hurt. I'm honestly just so sick of feeling hurt and not enough. 

my recent ex was a fucking loser, bitch made, liar. but it gives me peace knowing I'll go so much further than he will in life. I was the brains in our relationship and I wore the pants and it was cool but I couldn’t date a guy like that. I like being recognized as being smart and a bad ass bitch but I need my man to be equal to that as well, not a sore loser. and that’s why I fucking love you so much because you’re the complete opposite of him when it came to everything I hated about him. he was so... dumb sometimes. but you, you are intelligent and I could sit down and talk to you for forever. I could never with him.  and don’t get me started on his music taste and fashion .... you’d roast me. 

where have I gotten with this writing? honestly no where but I can’t talk to anyone about this shit so this is all I got. i wish I could be sitting in front of you right now and just get every single little thing off of my chest without any judgement. I'm a mess and its not fun and I'm angry and sick of feeling like total shit. I'm sick of not feeling like I can be loved fully and loyally. but why would I even deserve that when I've cheated and I've helped people cheat? am I a good person? or am I just as shitty as everyone that I shit on? it makes you think. whether I'm a shitty person or not, I'm sick of feeling like shit. and I'm sick of seeing people who are as shitty as me be happy. like Im happy you're happy... but I wish I could be too at the end of the day. I wish I could be happy with you or without you but unfortunately, it’s been years and I'm still struggling. 

[blog-by-kij]

The amount to which I get mad at this and the degree to which I want to defend the show SpongeBob and everyone who works on it is honest to god excessive and frankly pathetic BUT

That’s what tumblr is for. This is the last website standing where I can be insane publicly and it’s ok, and if I don’t exercise my rights why have them? You are so god damn annoying if you whine bitch and complain about “nEw sPoNgeBob iS bAd and aWeFUL aNd tErriBle and ALL hE dOEs iS CRY and hE uSeD to hAve a peRoNaLiTy iN OLD bob AND tHe aNiMaTioN is BAD nOw aND iTs SHIt nOw aNd tHe CrEAtoR wOuLd HaTe it Now anD THe wRIteRs SuCk nOw” and on and on and on. Like god. That’s annoying enough on its own honestly because it so disrespectful and disgraceful to the creators and writers of the show. Like how dare you honestly, think you know better than them. How dare you put words into anyone’s mouth about their own creation…god forbid if they’re not alive anymore! You are sick in the head if you do that!! Vile behavior!!

Every day I’m thankful that I don’t work in any part of this show because it would just kill my heart if I ever had to log on and all I see is people talking like that. You all suck because you say you love artists and creators but not when they create anything new. You all suck because you demand something impossible from creators and that’s to create something new that’s old that your nostalgia infected brain would like.

But it’s also pokes my bone because none of you fuckers who hate the show now have even seen any of the new stuff!!! Perform research before commenting!!! You literally are stuck on season 5 please move past season 5 or 6 or whichever one it was that you decided you were too old for please. We are on the 14th season oh my god give it a fucking chance. Good god how could you honestly just write off literally ALL of that, all of the writers, all of the animators, all of the creators of the newer stuff just like that for no real reason other than you assume it’s bad???? What because it’s…. n e w ….and you hate new things???? What the fuck is art for if not make new things??? Yes SpongeBob is art, everything creative is art, I rest in peace on this hill.

By the way it is one million and one percent fine to have grown out of something and moved on in life but whyyyyy WHHYY do you then need to denigrate the show, the process and the artists for something that’s still going just because you’ve outgrown it now? So what, now every media, every art that you grow out of has to stop existing just because you don’t like it anymore? Freak.

I hate nostalgia so much honestly because it just mind numbing stupid nonsense. I hate nostalgia as a concept and even more as an identity because it’s controlling and restrictive in how it doesn’t want anything new ever be made and it expects nothing new ever be good and how it deliberately seeks our negativity and how it inherently forces you to remain in the past which is not even possible! Sucks to be nostalgic because life is better now than it was then, yes it actually is better now. The only reason why you could say it was better then is because you was a literal goo for brains child and everyone else around you took care of your problems, and tbh children tend to have less problems generally (hopefully) (but on the contrary they also don’t deal with those problems as well as adults). Nostalgia as an identity to identify with is bad for you because it keeps you in this weird annoying negative self pity party that wants nothing to grow past or beyond whatever the time period it is and it also wants you to never grow beyond that point too!!! Nostalgia want to make you blame everyone and everything else for why your life isn’t like how it was when you were a child when the simple answer for that is that it’s just because you’re not a child anymore and actually…that’s fine. That’s literally how it’s supposed to be? That’s life and why that’s something negative for you and why you would want to permanently remain a child is mysterious to me.

Also, like no shit technology is better now than in the 90s. No shit animation companies will use the newer and better technology that makes it easier and yes better. Oh my god do you want them to….…not??? Fucking why?? It’s big “my favorite artists are not popular, suffer, and starve and if they get too popular I don’t like them anymore” energy.

Yes this triggers me no I don’t care if you think that’s pathetic because it is but so is constantly badgering and trashing something you’ve never seen just because you’re too old now, so is trashing on the good work of creators and the creators themselves just because you don’t like it, so is assuming that you’re right and having no evidence to back it up, so is deciding that you’re right for stupid nonsense reasons, and so is being permanently stuck in nostalgia. If ever you say you respect artists then actually fucking do it.

[sincelastsession]

I wish I could go into auto pilot

It's just the state of mind that I get into and I just walk around and I do all the things that I can get done in a robotic like state of mind and I call it auto pilot

And I don't know how to get there but sometimes I just go into auto pilot and do things and function and I'm like that all day and it's blissful

Like I don't have any thoughts in my brain my head is just empty other than I gotta do this I gotta do that I'm doing this I'm doing that I'm just puttering around my apartment doing things without just any worries

And I wish I could trigger my brain to go into auto pilot it would be so fucking nice right now

I would love a manic episode Because I feel completely fucking drained and the kind of manic episodes that I have had in my lifetime like I said not related to bipolar just random

I mean they were nice I didn't do anything stupid except like go get my haircut short and colored once I mean it was the dumbest thing I ever did and then the rest of it is just me getting things done and cleaning and feeling accomplished and feeling on top of the world and then I would just go back to normalI mean I wasn't talking fast I wasn't doing anything weird so maybe I was just an I thought it was Mania I don't know anymore because the last time I had a manic episode was like 5 years ago

And I stopped having a lot of depression and manic issues and other issues when I got off of prozac by myself because I couldn't figure out which medicine was making me want to fucking die and since the psych facility ripped me off of my xanax in a very malpractice way and the only other antidepressant that I had that I was taking happen to be prozac well it was easy to figure out what was causing it

I don't know I'm talking all over the place and I'm pissed off at that and I can see my bottle of her all that's going completely untouched because if I start taking it again which I can because it's got my name on it and it's my prescription and I can take it if I want to I don't think there's a log against that but I'm not going to it's going to sit there because I don't know what to do with it I'm obviously not gonna flush it there's a fucking shortage of her all in what if I get put on It again

But I'm so tempted to take some I can have some quiet time and my brain and actually talk in a straight line and do things

And I don't think that my psychiatrist is a very good psychiatrist other than knowing that I need to be on my anxiety medication

Like I've explained to you I've been on every anxiety medication and this is the only one that works with my brain and I don't fucking know why other than there's an extra o-ring and I've tried the non binzo medications as well and they don't do anything

And I don't really want to be talking about this almost obsessively like I'm not talking about it on purpose it's just like compulsive

I understand that there's nothing that I can do about that right now and it's unlikely that anything is going to happen to fix it but my brain just keeps rolling it over and over and over and over and overrun and my head and it's very annoying so it's coming out of my mouth and process

And Doctor Todd said that he thought that region's medical fucked me up because I was just talking like this after I got out andHe was worried about brain damage and all sorts of shits that they could have done to me with the medicines they gave me and I never got a list of those medicines and I never got a copy of my charts from that facility because they refused to give them to me because I was going to Sue them and then my parents were going to help me get a lawyer and then all of the sudden they just stopped trying to help me and I ended up not Sue anyone I should have

And this man is probably fucking up other people because I wasn't the only patient that Doctor Todd had to fix after he fucked other people up

And Doctor Todd told me that he thought that I was probably processing things out loud and hyperverbal because of the ADHD But I think it's like a combination of autism and that and o CD an anxiety and it's just this monster ball of crap and if I could only just fucking calm down and have some peace and my brain would feel better

And I talked to a friend of mine that's a general practitioner and he told me that he thinks the same thing as my last psychiatrist thinks he thinks that they put me on so many different medicines that it fucked up my brain chemistry or something to that effect and he thinks that I have probably a Saratoga and dopamine oxytocin all the feel good work right brain chemicals like he thought that I might have an imbalanceAnd I'm like 00k so what do I do about that and he's like well you would need to get back on your medicine for your attention deficit disorder obviously because if you're out of dopamine or you're low on that you can't function very well and I'm like well yeah and I'm like man I wish you could be my Doctor and he's like I technically could but I am in Mississippi and I'm like well shit I can't really move to Mississippi and that was the end of that conversation

I mean I'm scared that I'm gonna wake up in my electricity is going to be turned off tomorrow because my dad is mad at me

I'm scared that they're not going to unblock me and I will have no parents to talk to

I don't want to talk to Travis everyday and some days I don't and he calls me frantically like I'm dead or something and I'm like dude you don't have to worry about me like that I was just taking a quiet day and I of talking everyday because I'm just chatting with you while you're at work and repeating the same things over and over

And he's like oh it's no problem I don't care it doesn't bother me let me just tailor myself to be the perfect guy for you and not take care of other shit for myself andAnd I keep having to mention out loud to other people who say that we're such a cute couple that he's like my brother and I don't care if that's embarrassing or annoying to himBecause I set a clear boundary

But like I have pattern recognition and I'm noticing a pattern in his behavior that I have noticed with other men that I was not interested in that continued to pursue me no matter what I said to them

So I'm watching very carefully and I'm wary that we even have a friendship

And I mean it very well could just be because of all the shit I went through with past friends and boyfriends and Justin recently and

I don't know I just feel currentlyA whole bunch of different ways

I feel used and empty and lonelyAnd I'm tired of crying and understand that I need to feel my feelings and let them out but this feels like grief that just will not go away and it's not depression I know the difference because I lived with depression deep dark nasty depression most of my life and it's not like I forgot what it felt like

I'm scared I don't feel secure I don't want to be alone

And if I do have some sort of inner child then maybe that's it maybe that's where all the fear is coming from I don't know

I don't think I've ever met my inner child I don't even know if I have one

I don't think I do because I don't think that I developed correctly growing up due to the traumas I had

I don't really even remember being a kid and doing things that kids got to do

I feel like I've gotten trouble for how I played with toys

I feel like if I didn't let my dad win aboard games that I would be in trouble because he would always throw tantrums when he lost like would flip the fucking board

I don't know what to do and I don't want to live in low-income housing because if I can't live in this apartment complex with these people I'm not gonna make it in low Income housing at all and I don't want to fucking live in that environment

And you know they told me June or July I would get to move and now they're telling me oh August end of July and beginning of August and now it's like September and then now it's like oh we're not gonna move you at all just hang it up get over and it's not happening

But then they're telling me I need to be patient if I want to move which does it make sense with the last statement at all so I'm tired of getting mixed messages and all I've been asking my parents for its clarity because I'm going fucking insane trying to figure out when I need to do things and they're asking me to wait and so I'm putting my entire life on hold which is actually a pretty common thing for me

If I have one appointment to go to and I have other things I need to get done I will do nothing in prepare myself all day for that appointment and then I will go home and do more nothing

And I have been told that that is like a classic ADHD thing

And I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that

And I just want to have a life

Like I just want to fucking do something but every time I try to make plans for myself my parents like since this in a psychic way somehow and they call me and they're like OK so we're gonna do this this this this and it's not Michael I had plans and then they have a tantrum so I have to cancel my plans to do things with them and thenAnd I tried to explain this to them and then they're like what plans did you have you don't have a life you said you don't have any friends

And I don't really feel like I have any true friends I feel like the people that understood me are all dead

I mean call Travis my best friend and he's not a terrible person even though I'm noticing a weird pattern with him but I mean I guess he's a friend I don't know if I would call him my best friend but I just say that because I don't know what else to say

And I don't feel like I have a life because of my parents because when I was old enough to go out and do things and I did that I would get my phone blown up because I would forget to do the dishwasherAnd I would be called home just to do the dishes

And that's fucked up because I was just trying to live my life and make social connections and make friends and things like that and dishes can wait or they could have done them themselves

Nobody at that point in time was so crippled that they couldn't have just loaded the dishwasher

I was young and I was just trying to go out and hang out with friends and I remembered later when I was hanging out with friends and I was like oh damn I'm gonna get in trouble for that and sure enough I would get a phone call and then one of my friends would be aggravated that they had to drive me back homePeople would get sad that I had to leave or they wouldn't understand why I had to just go home and do the dishes and I couldn't come back and hang out and this is from the time I was like old enough to go hang out with people into my 20s

My parents exerted control over me until I was able to move out and they still figured out a way to fuck with my head on phone calls and that started when I moved out the hang up call back scream at me hang up call back scream at me convince me that I need to call them back and frantically apologize and I don't fucking apologize anymore because they don't ever apologize to me when they're off the wall insane mean ass shit that they say

And of course it's never said in text so it's hearsay isn't that funny

They make themselves look good in text form and then I look like the reactive abuse asshole

I don't know what to do anymore about anything am I supposed to just rot in my bed

A psychfacility isn't going to do anything for me

Medications aren't gonna relieve fix anything else

I mean I'm terrified that my primary care is going to admit me to efficiency on Monday or Tuesday whenever my next appointment with her is

And I don't even want to go

I don't want to go to that appointment and talk about all the other health problems that I'm dealing with that I don't talk about here or with anybody else

Because nobody wants to talk about how painful and awful it is to have chronic boils and cysts that no Doctor can seem to figure out what the cause is or treat properly I just keep having this fucking infection and so even if I did meet somebody I couldn't be sexual with them and if I could then that would be a miracle because people are going to see the cysts and think that STD or an STI And it's not because we've ruled that out I'm literally singing an infectious disease as Doctor about like why I don't make Anna body's for covid

And then I have this mysterious versioh herpes that pops app next to my eye that they can't really figure out because I get like facial drooping and numbness and tingling and shit like that now I'm like OK well am I having a fucking stroke or is it my nervous system because of the herpes or what because some asshole with herpes on their mouth or possibly I don't know I was a tiny child when this happened somebody got it on my cheekbone next to my eyes so when I get super duper Immune system fucked up and stressed out all at the same time I'mSurprised I don't have a big giant rash under my eye with my eyes swollen and I'm surprised that that's not happening right now because it usually does when I'm under a huge amount of stress

I don't think my parents are taking me seriously at all about anything ever because they just call me dramaddict and I'm not trying to be dramatic and I don't act dramatic on purposeLike that. Like the most that I purposefully act dramatic is what I'm trying to a moat enough for people to understand when they aren't catching on to they aren't catching on to the fact that I'm making a joke or something but cause apparently my internal voice definitely doesn't match my external voice at all and I don't sound flat to myself but to everybody else I do and so they can't tell if I'm making a joke or not half of the time And I happen to have pretty dry dark humor so that can create problems because they're not catching my inflections or anything so I have to try extra hard and then That's really frustrating

You know I do sit around and I do try to remember good parts of my life like very impactful parts like the opposite of a trauma I don't know if there's a specific word for the opposite of a trauma I always wonder if they're like a psychological term that they made up for something but I never looked into it but anyway I guess you could say a joyous moment in my life that wasn't a trauma and I can't really think of much of them

[casspurrjoybell-20]

FOOLS - Chapter 24 - Part 1

BOOK ONE: The 'Fools Fall in Love' Trilogy

*Warning Adult Content*

Noah Wright

Shit... Shit... Shit... What was I doing?

It was like my brain would shut down whenever I was near Sam and all logic flew out the window.

Ugh... What was worse was kissing him... turned me on.

Oh God... I wanted to punch something.

After storming out on Sam, I ended up going home where I could lay in bed and curse at myself for kissing Sam... again.

I ran my hand through my hair.

I liked kissing Sam, so what?

Sam was attractive and a good kisser, so of course I would get... aroused when kissing him, right?

But I knew it was more than that.

Fuck, I liked Sam, I liked him a lot.

Not just the physical aspect but his personality and the way he talks and gives me shit when I was giving him shit.

Kaitlyn shuts down when I get overwhelmed with emotions and I lash out.

Sam threw it right back at me when I deserved it or diminish my anger like in theater eleven, how he calmed me down.

Kaitlyn would rather ignore me.

Sam fought and I liked the fight.

I grabbed my computer off my nightstand.

I unplugged it from the charger and logged in.

When Google popped up, I began researching.

'How do you know if you're gay?'

When I hit 'enter' on my computer, a bunch of quizzes popped up with titles like 'Not sure if you're gay? take this quiz to find out.'

Stupid bullshit like that.

I went back to the Google homepage.

'I have a girlfriend but kissed a boy and I liked it and I think I like him.'

That's stupid, Noah. What fucking research are you gonna find on that?

I backspaced that and typed in something else.

What is bisexuality? enter 'Sexual attraction to both men and women,' that was the internet definition.

There was no point in searching that when I already knew what bisexual meant.

Maybe that was what I was. I mean, I could definitely appreciate a good looking man but Sam was the only guy I've ever thought of in a... sexual way.

So I was straight but only gay for one person?

Is that a thing? Maybe I should search that?

I sighed, you know what, fuck that.

I needed to find out if I only liked Sam or if I was into both men and women.

Because, I was sure I was into women... eighty percent sure.

So either Sam was the exception or I also liked men and Sam just made me realize that.

So, my way of figuring that out was watching gay porn.

I brought up the explicit website and clicked onto a video of two men.

Early twenties, one scrawnier than the other.

I fast forward the shitty acting until it got to the 'necessary for figuring out my sexuality' part.

Wasn't that painful?

Cause the smaller of the two guys wouldn't stop making noise that I couldn't decipher rather it was from pain or pleasure or both?

Did Sam watch these videos?

Would Sam be top or would I?

I would definitely.

Yeah, I liked that a lot and I'm not going to tell you what I did next or who I imagined while I was doing it.

********

Later that day, Kaitlyn had texted me that her parents weren't home and that I should come over.

I had to wait until my dad passed out before sneaking out of the house, which didn't take long.

"I feel like we haven't been with each other in so long," Kaitlyn said kissing me while we were on her bed.

My plan when I had entered her bedroom was to end it with her... but then she started taking off her shirt while drawing me to her bed.

Would it really be horrible to have this one last night with her before breaking up?

At first, I didn't think so and I rolled on top of her.

I sat up, pulling my shirt off then leaned back down and deepened our kiss, my tongue claiming hers.

Yes, that was working, I was getting turned on.

My body was reacting to Sam.

'Sam? No, no, no. Don't imagine Sam. Not now.'

I moved my mouth to Kaitlyn's neck, trying to block out Sam as much as possible.

A soft moan escaped Kaitlyn's mouth as I started to suck just below her ear, leaving a hickey.

I wondered what Sam would sound like moaning my name if I was with him right now and not Kaitlyn.

Okay, yeah, I saw how awful I was being, thinking about Sam while I was on top of my girlfriend.

I rolled off of Kaitlyn, taking a deep breath as I rubbed my face before sitting up.

"Uh, are you okay?" Kaitlyn asked as she sat up as well.

"No, I'm not," I told her honestly and grabbed my t-shirt off the ground so that I was fully clothed again.

I handed her her own top as I spoke...

"We need to talk."

I didn't want to have that conversation with her.

Kaitlyn and I had been friends for a while even before I started dating her.

I knew people said that you could still be friends after you break up but everyone knew that was complete bullshit.

That was why it was going to be hard breaking up with her.

Kaitlyn was a genuinely good person and I hated the fact that I was about to ruin our relationship but at the same time, I think she knew, as well as I did, that we were drifting apart way before Sam kissed me.

'That was just the icing on top of the cake.'

I sighed, how do I even start this?

"I... I don't think this is working anymore."

Kaitlyn moved closer to me, her blue eyes wide.

"What? What do you mean?" she asked sounding worried.

"Is this because of what happened last time we tried to have sex because..."

"No, Kaitlyn..." I sighed, covering my face with my hands.

"Just listen for a second," I looked back up at her.

"Both of us are always too busy with our own shit to hang out."

'More so, Kaitlyn was too busy for me but whatever.

"The only time we ever have together is at night when your parents aren't home and we end up just fooling around. Then I'm kicked out before your mom notices I'm here. We're not the way we used to be. We used to go out and do stuff together like an actual couple would do. I don't even know the last time we went on a date. I'm sorry but I know I can't be the only one who's noticed our relationship falling apart."

I let out a breath.

"Kaitlyn, do you even feel anything when we kiss? Can you seriously say that we still have that connection as before?"

Kaitlyn looked away, not saying anything.

Which gave me my answer.

"I love you, Kaitlyn but not in the way you need to be loved."

I didn't realize she was crying until I saw her hand swipe her eyes.

I didn't know what to do or what more I could say.

I hate dealing with feelings but this needed to happen.

She deserved happiness and it wasn't going to be with me.

Eventually, she turned to me, not saying anything and wrapped her arms around me.

Not knowing what else I could do, I hugged her back.

We didn't say anything to each other, she just cried into my shoulder as I held her.

We stayed like that for a moment or two as if we were both saying goodbye, which, in a way we were.