#lmao im a salty fuck about a lot of things wow

[iimmcrtalis-archive]

☢ ✉ ❥

   its munday nowhere but who cares │ sorta accepting

☢ What fads/trends are you so over?

I was gonna say I don’t know? but uh. Sort of not a fan of autoplays. I mean, they’re alright but if it starts loud as fuck it’s Too Much.there’s probs some other shit but lmao thats just the one that hit me. 

✉ A fandom that you feel is open and accepting?

If I’m gonna be honest here? I don’t know. I don’t think any? I mean,  I’m just a bitter fuck. Like i said man. All of them can feel welcoming for a split second but then someone pulls the rug out from under you.  but eh. eh. TRC has been good. but then again I’m bias bc you’re a lovely golden bean whom i love so. Also bc fckn Anna’s like. There too so im just. Ya know. You two have been my most exposure so not sure if it counts  l ma o.

❥ Has someone ever ruined an FC or character for you?

The actors themselves usually lmao. But yeah, there’s a FUCK ton of FC’s I’m hesitant to rp with because bad association tbh. Generally, it’s my bias towards the actor or whatever. But, ye ye. No there’s a bunch that I’m just like LM AO  FUCK OFFFFFFF. 

my ex ruined a bunch for me so there’s tHAT. 

[khaleesiofalicante]

exhausted but wanna read

7 04 am have not slept need to go somewhere at 9

fuckkkk okay let's read

one day since Magnus left?

alec love calm tf down

still mad at you for how you reacted to shinyun so like sit the fuck down I am sleep deprived and tired I will not be holding back today

sigh checking his tabs was already crossing a line

dude ffs calm down

idk I'm tired so I'm extra salty. gonna try and be nicer

stop fucking smoking or I'm taking away your lungs

I'm sure I can get a nice price for them

dude this is called obsession <3

listen, love Magnus already has a lot on his plate with his asshole father so like calm tf down and oh my god

God, Alec is fucking spiraling. He is fucking losing his mind.

yes, I can tell. get a grip lightwood

oh wow okay then. if he chooses to leave then he leaves end of conversation

yeah don't drive in the rain

this one time when I was younger we were on the highway I think going to the neighbouring city? and it was fucking pouring and I started crying because I was terrified.

He knows he is being dramatic. He knows he went a little far earlier with Shinyun.

YES BITCH

oh wow, now we're both spiralling about the divorce great!

"You need to get your shit together," she had told with a chuckle when they had parted that day.

Maia knows what she's talking about!

gasp

omg so cute the little note

MAGNUS FUCK THAT IS SO ROMANTIC

HE READ AND ANNOTATED THE BOOK FOR HIM I COULD CRY

Magnus weren't you in London-

well hello

I am sad

why is he sad

oh wait I remember why he's sad

Magnus poor baby come here lemme hug you

oof yeah been there shit hurts

omg he's kissing his fingers

FUCK OMG THEM

NO HE'S CRYING NOW IM GOING TO CRY

oh shit

I'm so sad wtf

oh that's why he didn't want rafe to paint his nails yellow

oh fuck

I don't know what to say

“What my mom did,” Magnus elaborates. “Why do people do it?”

okay ouch this hit hard

sometimes all we can do is be there for them and hold them through it and hope that's enough.

YOU? HARD TO LOVE? LIES!

“You are not hard to love,” Alec tells him. “Loving you is the easiest goddamn fucking thing in the world.”

YES SO TRUE! MAGNUS YOU BEAUTIFUL LOVEABLE IDIOT! WE LOVE YOU!

He’ll never let Magnus cry again.

This hurts because he does...

OKAY THE MIDDLE!

I genuinely didnt want the starting to end :(

Thomas hello

you don't have shared assets? any at all?

oof

I am not understanding half of the shit going on but okay

cool legal shit nice

He is a fucking weirdo.

Alec loves him so much.

Me too dude

Not after what happened.

Elaborate

“Nope,” Alec shakes his head. “It turns out he kept it. You know, it’s fine. Who doesn’t have a secret apartment you can run away to when you are mad at your husband, right?”

Uh babe-

Cool cool cool

I have no clue what those British insults mean and I almost messaged a person asking what they meant because this was our thing when I remembered she's a lying piece of shit who gave us all trauma then moved on with her life

nice

what was the cost? what did you do?

Tf is rational choice theory

sounds disgusting

aww they're so cute

“I think we just put a shirtless pic of you on Twitter and say single and ready to mingle,” Lily points out.

Bitch do it

SHIT IS MAGNUS SLEEPING IN HIS BED???

Also eat something you little bitch /affectionate

what the fuck are they doing lmao y'all're so awkward

OMG HE ASKED BEFORE COMING IN FUCK MY LIFE

y'all are so so awkward

uh Magnus I'm pretty sure alec didn't send those

sigh. shinyun

if someone sent me sunflowers I would have a panic attack no matter who sent them but that's my own trauma let's not focus on that

okay someone is fucking with them

and it's Max, isn't it?

I'm so confused

KNEW IT WAS MAX!

Rafael had explained that celebrity endorsements are a capitalist marketing technique and Max told him to go to hell.

I snorted

OOF THAT'S THE DRUNKEN RANT?

oh damn

I AM SORRY BUT I SCREAMED

THIS CHILD IS UNHINGED AND I LOVE HIM FOR IT

probably should not be laughing but I have not slept and this shit is hilarious to me for some reason

I wanna hug him

“Tell me how it stops,” Max says. “Tell me how you can just wake up one day and be like I’m done loving this person.”

I don't think you can just stop all of a sudden. It happens. You fall out of love and you don't always see it coming but I don't think it's a sudden thing. You see it happening and sometimes you try your best to make it stop and other times you don't.

ALRIGHT IM GETTING TOO WORKED UP AT 7 58AM

Sometimes love isn't enough.

where did it get you guys?

don't say ambiguous shit oh my goddd

“I’m never ever going to fall in love,” Max says like it’s a serious announcement. “Love is such fucking bullshit.”

It makes Alec smile. “Let’s not turn into a cliché.”

I know this is sad but I laughed-

END!

Okay, what plan? Don't remember how the last chapter ended so like

wait

MAX'S POV????

People are more likely to go through heartbreak than get an STD.

okay accurate

There isn't one way to love though. Everyone loves differently

No wonder this world is a giant clusterfuck.

SO TRUE BABE!

You can't control that though. You can't control falling in love

It hurts but we somehow come across on the other side. Most of the times

Who tf is hot stuff

TRU DAY!!!

"Kadir, my man," Max grins. "On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 getting grounded and 10 getting disowned, how much trouble would I get in if I try to kiss the Prime Minister?"

"Solid eight," Kadir replies without looking up. "Still going kiss the Prime Minister?"

"Mr. Safar," Max drawls. "I've dealt with worse odds than this."

Max please don't kiss the Prime Minister

“I’m sure by the end of tomorrow, we’ll be calling each other pet names,” Max winks. “What do you think about bubblebutt? I think it suits Justin.”

“I don’t get paid enough for this,”

Max NO-

GABRIELLL

Ohhh Magnus owns it? Nice

“Your parents would trade you for a ripe avocado.”

I WHEEZED

UNLESS BELLA HADID ASKS LMAO MAX

“I think so,” Max shrugs. “I mean. Is anyone okay?”

“Too deep,” Gabriel shakes their head.

No Max we are not

“The ideal outfit is nothing,” Gabriel points out. “I’d just walk in their buck naked.”

These two are made for each other

Max babe you have a type :)

SELENA??

WHAT'S WRONG??

RAFE??

DAVID???

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

aww you're in love

IMPORTED FROM FRANCE BYE-

FUCK IT'S THAT BOY??

KILL HIM DAVID

KILL HIM I'LL HELP WITH THE BODY

Kyle, I'll stab you in the eye

Max and he have a history?

Max you-

Oh god I love him

“My hand slipped and fell on his face,” Max informs.

Me likey

Do it again

oh no they're both mad at him

well fuck

oh damn David

also totally deserved

HEY NO HE DESERVES TO MEET HOT TRUDEAU

Although I don't see the appeal at all

WHAT THE FUCK IS ACTIVE OPERATION LITTLE PRINCE

I LOVE THESE TWO SO MUCH THEIR FRIENDSHIP

be careful there love. water is no joke.

DAVID JUST-

Oh my

OH MY GOD THEY'RE KISSING

max really did that huh when they were 11-

Oh my god they kissed

Oh my god them them them them them

I learned how to throw a punch when I was 11. Maybe that was fucked up but like I throw good punches.

oh my god my heart broke

Tell him you love him

SAY IT BITCH

realises my phone is in the other room and I should go get it because it's 8 30 am and I need to leave at 9:

My mother bingeing a show while also not having slept:

Me:

Her:

Me: Don't you dare tell me to not stay up late fangirling over something again

OKAY ANYWAY YOU BOTH KISS

TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM

OH MY GOD THEY ARE KISSING AGAIN

FUCK FUCK FUCK

LOML

Yeah sure y'all should definitely fuck

wait omg David said this because Max is only interested in one-night stands and fuckkk

DAVID YOU SWEET LITTLE-

GET HERE

why is he crying omg omg omg what

DAVID YOU SEXY LITTLE SHIT WHO MADE YOU INSECURE I JUST NEED TO TALK

I would fucking die for you

Max wonders if it’s a good idea to confess that he has jerked off just to the thought of David’s fingers.

At least a dozen times.

In the last month.

No it really isn't.

what is happening dude y'all

“Yeah, that’s me,” Max rolls his eyes. “Deflowering expert.”

Y'all I love you

Which makes sense because that bitch moisturizes like thrice a day and his body lotion is probably made out of unicorn fur and his cleanser is made of tears of newborn babies.

FUCKING SNORTED

Thanks, dad! You make sex life so interesting!

LMAO I LOVE THIS

I love them so much

Oh shit he's reading the entire thing boy-

David carried an inhaler for him I-

KILL ME NOW

schools should really really teach us how to deal with grief. But isn't it the same as with love? You can't be taught some things. Some things you just gotta experience, things you can't prepare for.

MAX WAS DAVID'S FIRST KISS I COULD CRY

Max bouta break every single one of those rules with David I know it.

IM SORRY BLOOD??

Ofc Mallory

I CHOKED ON MY SPIT SIR IT IS 8 46AM I LEAVE IN ABOUT HALF AN HOUR I NEED TO START PACKING-

oh he was joking

You won't have to live without it.

He is ruined now, like one of those victorian ladies who have sex before marriage. 

This made me laugh way too much

Im sad now he's leaving

ALEC IS SAVED AS "Hitler" SAHUUHDSUHFD

oof that anticipation

AYYY THEY'RE NOW FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Loved this so so much <3

The unnecessary stress you put yourself through omg 😂😂

This is Max (and us)

[yarrowleef]

Read Darkness Within all in one sitting last night and then passed out so here are my scattered thoughts i wrote down as i read, (afterthoughts in parenthesis)

Darkness Within Spoilers, obv

UGH GOD THE SECOND HAND EMBARRESMENT FROM SQUIRREL FAKE FLIRTING WITH ASHFUR IT HURTS

Just remembered Sandynose died and got a small boost of happiness (will Hawkwing and Plumwillow ever be allowed to talk again now? I mean probly not b/c they aren’t protags and non-protags don’t rly have friends but I can hope. Sorry, Hawkwhing and Plumwillow’s short-lived friendship in Hawkwings Journey was one of the last times I felt something)

Ghost fleas lol

Mothwing: i’m rude now. (but more importantly, Fuck Tigerheartstar for forcing his son to be around the cat that hurt him so badly, like he HAS to know how upset everyone is regarding Shadowsight and his accidentally helping the imposter, and he’s making him be the sole one to tend to him??? There is NO REASON Puddleshine couldn’t have done it. You think Puddleshine is going to try and murder someone?? )

Oh no don't make this a traveling book, and a ROOTBRISTLE traveling book this is going to be insufferable

BACON AND EGGS

Lightleap Is Good (Hey didn’t Shadowsight have another sister? lets be real we all knew Pouncekit was going to end up as the forgettable 3rd one)

Bristlefrost’s crush continues to feel unnatural to me. It’s like she’s grasping at straws romanticizing the most generic things.....wow....I love how ur just so...bare minimum competent....being polite to the loner we came all this way to ask for help like any somewhat reasonable person would....How admirable...I love the way you just *clenches fist* exhibit some basic traits of loyalty and skill that literally every warrior has (I s2g I’m this close to head canon-ing Bristle as a clueless aromantic who doesn't understand what romance is actually suppose to feel like so she just looks at feelings of low-bar admiration and assumes “oh I guess this is that “romantic attraction” everyone’s always talking about? guess I must be in love???” because both her crushes have felt out of nowhere and like. Idk fake/forced sounding like she’s just telling me that that she’s In Love Now while I continue to not actually feel it at all from her end. I know it’s just that I hate the way Erin’s write female characters in love but this head-canon makes me laugh)

Got scared because I thought they were going to villainize Spotfur for not wanting kits for a minute, but also excited at the concept of maybe exploring a female character that doesn’t want to be a mother, but it turns out she was just pulling a Sparkpelt and actually DID want the kits all along and was only hesitant because she’s sad. Shrug oh well.  (the only female character in warriors that was distinctly upset about pregnancy and motherhood was Lizardstripe and as we all know she was eeeeeevil and abusive and “overly ambitious” because why else would you not come around to being happy about motherhood?? YES I’M STILL SALTY ABOUT YELLOWFANG’S SECRET, BAD BOOK)  Whatever it’s fine so long as Spot doesn’t lose her rebel leader spirit forever and default to “soft mom” personality for the rest of her life, I gotta have hope because I actually like Bristle and Spot’s current relationship. Also I am actually very grateful they never made Bristle resentful at Spot for getting with her crush, as lots of middle grade/YA media has a very bad habit of demonizing female romantic “competition” and its super gross, so I rly do like that Bristlefrost is so protective and caring towards her instead. )

This series is trying to tell me that Rootspring is actually Big but I refuse to accept that. he has dumb scrawny bitch energy and we all know it

Sunrise: “Thunderclan may be better with a new leader” lol go off (i mean........they right tho...It’s unfortunate that the tension in this whole plot is a bit dampened by the fact that i DO in fact want bramble to die v badly. I don’t even have special hatred for him, I’m just bored of him.)

Yes Lionblaze beat the shit out of Ashfur

*HOLY SHIT THAT’S FUCKED!!!! (I wrote this in reference to the ghost summoning scene, this was all I could manage at the time, that scene was WILD and I am VIBING WITH THE HORROR OF IT ALL)

* Brashfur: Oh yeah? Could Ashfur fake THIS? *stands up with slightly better posture* Shadowsight: oh damn you got me there...... (asdfhhfhhgh im sorry that was really funny, how did that prove anything?? ONLY A ~REAL~ WARRIOR COULD STAND UP STRAIGHT WE ALL KNOW ASHFUR IS INCAPABLE OF GOOD POSTURE!)

End of the book: *LAUGHING NERVOUSLY* WHAT THE FUCK??? (I thought he was just gonna kill Squirrelflight right there holy shit can you imagine the RIOTS that would ensue in the wake of all this Squirrel/Bramble discourse I was so scared for a second.  

 But it’s fine, she just....went to super hell instead......Warriors has come so far lmao WHAT IS HAPPENING

Final Notes:

*On Mothwing, I don’t think her behavior struck me as “CHARACTER BUTCHERING” as much as it did for other people? I mean.....Warriors fans will say that literally any time a character does ANYTHING less then perfectly nice I think her actions just seemed that much harsher because we are reading from Shadowsight’s POV, and Shadowsight is taking everything 10x more personally right now (understandably so, but Mothwing isn’t inside his head) she wasn’t trying to hurt him. Also... like... Shadowsight DID get his name too early. It’s not Mothwing’s job to put his feelings above everything else, she’s not even his mentor, Puddleshine on the other hand, as his main mentor, I don’t understand what his deal is ignoring Shadowsight, that’s not how you help an apprentice but I suppose I chalk many of his mistakes up to also not being the most experienced medicine cat (he barely even had his own mentor.) Maybe he’s distant because he feels guilty and actually blames himself for not guiding Shadowsight better?? the two of them haven’t communicated about it yet so idk

 any way I give Mothwing a pass to be a little short tempered right now as a cat who has had her abilities periodically questioned all her life no matter how hard she works or how much experience she has, just because she doesn’t vibe with the spiritual cult side of the clans, I can understand why she’s a bit defensive of being questioned and frustrated watching so much hurt happen Yet Again due to reliance on StarClan visions over common sense, and I for one still stan her for slandering StarClan and refusing to accept Mistystar’s bullshit banishing like everyone else. Sometimes a character is at the end of their rope and can’t manage to be 100% nice 24/7 and that’s maybe not inherently bad writing? idk just my hot take. At a certain point we all gotta reckon with the fact that our perception of most popular supporting characters in heavily colored by fanon and we can’t always get mad at the authors for not adhering to it

*The sisters magic shit is my fav worldbuilding warriors has had in AGES, I love the way it’s described and it actually feels like it adds something to this world. I love this horror imagery with the ghosts, very excited for that. 

*still won’t be thrilled if Ashfur is working alone, because his motive doesn’t make sense right now. I mean the trying to get Squilf thing, sure, whatever, but the “I will make everyone pay for what they did to me”???? cause like?? Who??? they didn’t do anything to him?? Ashfur’s grievance was very specifically JUST Squilf. He has no other cause for revenge, he had no other beef or complaints about the clans to my knowledge? The cat that killed him is dead, and she’s like, the only other one that I could see as having “wronged” him?? I guess he also didn’t like Firestar much according to Graystripe’s Vow (and on account of how willing he was to kill him w/ Hawkfrost) but Firestar is ALSO dead. I don’t understand his angle. Will have to see last 2 books to judge i suppose.

*All in all I am interested to see where this is going!! but also the pacing as I feared is becoming a major issue. It’s better then ending the main conflict on book 3 like Vision of Shadows did, but omg. Hardly anything happened in all these pages. I realized I was over half way through and nothing about the situation had actually CHANGED or advanced at all in all that time. Similar to the past 2 books which I believe could have been combined, this plot felt like it should have been the first half of a book. Discussing whether or not to kill the imposter isn’t much of a standalone plot, it’s just the set up to a plot. Finding the sisters didn’t need to be a whole long thing, the debates about the Imposters fate didn’t need to be repeated 10 times, all those chapters illustrating that “Shadowsight is sad” were also drawn out, repetitive, and interchangeable, we probably only needed 2 or so chapters showing his struggles to get the necessary information across. It felt like a lot of padding, it was really slow and I did a lot of skimming. I am still very interested in the overarching plot and mystery behind the ghosts so that kept me reading but man this “will they won’t they kill him” plot did not justify it’s own whole book. Alas this is a persisting issue that will never be resolved while they continue to force 6 books into 1 series that doesn’t need 6 books. I’m sure the writers are doing the best they can with these unfortunate constraints but still, it’s a wonder this slow padding isn’t more of a detriment to their younger readers that the books are supposed to be marketed to.

[snkpolls]

SnK Episode 65 Poll Results (for Manga Readers)

The poll closed with 318 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that these are the results for the Manga Readers’ poll. If you wish to see the results for the Anime Only Watchers’ poll, click here.

--

RATE THE EPISODE 309 Responses

Overall the episode was a hit with viewers, with the majority ranking it a 4 or higher. Over half of all respondents rating it a solid 5. The hype is real!

I thought this was a great episode. A lot of hype moments and the CGI worked for me, for the most part. Looking forward to the next episode!

All around exceeded my expectations if mappa keeps this up this will go down as the best anime in history

Chef's KISS!!! 10/10 episode, i was extremely hyped the entire time. 

It was amazing and I hope MAPPA keeps up with the same quality for future episodes

Amazing episode really hype

I thought the voice acting was amazing! :)

Great episode, not perfect but neither was WIT. No adaptation is perfect. This was fantastic.

It was pretty good just maybe good have been done better but I’m just happy it was done at all.

I’ve lowered my expectations to rock bottom at this point

An enjoyable time.

I think it was great! I was very excited and left me wanting more tbh

It was a very good episode!! I'm so happy to see the survey corps again!

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING MOMENTS WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 310 Responses

Mikasa’s reintroduction to the series takes the largest piece of the pie, with 31.6% enjoying the scene the most. In second comes the coordinated attack from the Survey Corps against Porco, with 14.8% feeling that scene really brings the hype. At 10.3%, Levi’s first appearance in the season takes 3rd place, and with 9.7% is the overall fight between Eren and the War Hammer Titan.

Ackermans ran this episode as they should. They're on a whole different level. 

Why isn't the Sasha-Gabi moment in the list of favourite moments? That's my actually favourite moment. Gabi seeing Sasha through the fire and smoke, Sasha's reflection in her eyes...chilling.

THE CGI CONTINUES TO BE A POINT OF CONTENTION. BE HONEST, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE EXECUTION OF CGI SO FAR THIS SEASON? 309 Responses

In general, the fandom appears to be understanding of MAPPA’s usage of CGI, with 38.2% being completely unbothered by it, 20.1% feeling that while it’s not ideal, it could be much worse, and 18.8% not particularly caring for it but not faulting MAPPA for it either. A handful of people just wish that there would be more appreciation that it’s getting animated at all, while others continue to be a bit salty about the usage of CGI this season.

Did people forgot the god-awful Colossal titan's CGI from WIT? Well, I didn't so I wasn't surprised by the same level of CGI in Eren's scene (thankfully just one of them). I rarely have issue with CGI in SnK except for truly awful looking ones so like couple of times in the season, usually. 

I honestly wouldn't even know there's CGI if everyone wasn't complaining about it. I honest to god can't see where they use it.

It's mostly fine

I thought the war hammer titan looked AMAZING, the only CGI that looked odd was the scouts in the background, but that’s really it...?

A few sore spots (e.g. Erens titan looked kinda off this ep), but it's not season-ruining yet. 

CGI Titans >>>>>>>> CGI Survey Corps

It works fine for titans that already look somewhat mechanical (Armor, Jaw), but it looks incredibly awkward for the others, to the point of taking me out of the story. 

Sometimes great sometimes shit

Maybe I've been spoiled by studio orange and the previous seasons, but I know for a fact that they can do better. This is not a new anime, this is the final season of one of the greatest anime of all time, so yeah I expected much better CGI, it was poor and unecessary.

i think it’s gr8/unnoticeable,,,,,like we all put up with the colossal titan in s1-3 lmao

Some Titans like Eren and Beast look a little weird but I just really like how they made effort to make it blend with the art style. Maybe if they had found a way to cut the animation down to 12fps it might not look so bad? Anyways I think it’s good for what it is, MAPPA is doing their best!

I barely noticed it. The animation looks BOMB. Top 5 episodes of the whole series for me and BEST action episode of AOT easily.

I'm always going to prefer 2D but I understand why they're using it. Still sad about what could've been if they were given enough time to work on the season. Definitely going to lower my expectations.

My dumbass wouldn't even notice, I just want to see the pretty people

I think the CGI for the Titans is completely fine. It's the CGI for the Scouts that was a bit off putting for me. Still, not enough to ruin the episode. And if we continue to get animation of this standard I will be fine with it. 

At this point after episode 7 onward eventually AOT CGI is going to be worst than EX-arm's CGI 

I love it because it makes the titans scarier and more eerie? I also miss the 2D ones because they feel more natural. Overall, I think it's fine!

I think the CGi is well executed (for the most part), I just don't like that they had to use it so much.

It's a great job. They manage to execute it very well and go to a normal animation when it's needed. It doesn't bother me tbh

HOW WAS EREN’S ROOFTOP SWAN DIVE? 309 Responses

Eren’s dive in the anime was a bit different than in the manga, but it seemed to get a few laughs out of the fandom, so we asked you all to rank it. 58.3% felt it was the most beautiful dive to have ever dived, while only 5.5% think Eren really needs to work on his form. He did his best.

WHICH RETURNING CHARACTER’S ENTRANCE WAS YOUR FAVORITE IN THIS EPISODE? 310 Responses

Mikasa stole the show this episode, with 53.5% enjoying her entrance the most. Levi wasn’t too far behind though, with 29% of respondents hyped over his return. 11.6% were very happy to see Sasha again, while smaller chunks were glad to see Jean and Connie.

They massacred my Jean-boy’s entrance 🥲

WHICH RETURNING CHARACTER HAS THE BEST MAPPA-STYLE GLOW UP? 304 Responses

We got a more colorful and evened out pie for this question. Overall the largest chunk, at 24.3%, are enjoying MAPPA’s take on Eren’s iconic “hobo chic” look. 21.1% think Sasha looks the best out of all of them, while Mikasa trails just behind her at 20.1%. 16.1% are grateful for Connie’s design, leaving 9.5% favoring Jean, and smaller handfuls appreciating MAPPA’s take on Levi and Floch.

Chubby Floch

Here I am watching the trailer all over again because that's probably the only way to see Jean animated handsome and with his actual manga face. MAPPA what happened?

Levi has a thicc ass

I’m a big fan of all the time skip character designs, it was hard to pick just one favourite :) 

Jean looked stupid... Floch too but that's not important.

OG characters designs feels a bit off to me. I understand why they use CG for some parts and I have mixed emotions about it. I hope they won't rely on it too much on the upcoming episodes.

#ITSTIMEMIKASA WAS TRENDING ON TWITTER BEFORE THE EPISODE AIRED. ON A SCALE OF 1-5, HOW MUCH DID IT LIVE UP TO THE HYPE? 304 Responses

One of the most anticipated scenes of the Marley arc was the return of the Survey Corps and the way Mikasa paves the path for their reintroduction. The fandom appears to be very happy with MAPPA’s execution of the scene, with 60.9% of respondents rating it with a 5, with 27% rating it a 4. 

EEEEEEEEEEK MIKASA

Mikasa! Mikasa! Gosh love her!

im so glad mikasa is back owfejgrnrkdfs

MAPPA INCLUDED FILLER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE OF WILLY HESITANTLY DEPARTING FROM HIS TEARFUL FAMILY. WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE ADDITION? 310 Responses

The series isn’t known for having too much filler, but typically what filler does exist seems to be appreciated by the fandom, and this was no exception. 56.8% of respondents were happy for a little more fleshing out of Willy’s character (also learning that those kids were his!) and being able to sympathize more with him. 19.7% appreciated the more sympathetic addition until they remembered he was willing to throw Liberio under the bus for his plan. 13.5% are appreciative of any and all additional Willy content. A small amount didn’t like the filler and would rather have had MAPPA put their effort into other things. 

I liked it. Got to see more of his fine ass. lmao

Don't add extra 2d animation if You can't even handle what's in the manga

It would've been better to show before he was dead. Fleshing him out after the audience already know he's dead doesn't hit as much imo

Wasn't one of the scene itself, but then again I'm always interested in scenes I haven't seen yet.

I am so grateful, willy for is one of my favourites and omg we got to see his family and how is he a lovely papa 😭💕 I can't ask for more bless you MAPPA🤘

fuck them kids

Why should we feel bad for him? He tried to unite the world against Paradis. He got what he deserved.

this was a benefit. as manga readers, we had time to know willy. anime onlies will only ever have these 2-3 episodes and it was very humanizing

How is that possible that Tybur little kids in few seconds were louder nad more chaotic than THE WHOLE CITY DURING THE ATTACK??

It's very regrettable he left so many children fatherless because of what he chose to do. Really saddening..

I’d have rather seen more of the manga animated 

I knew why they added it, but I (personally) think willy is crud. Not mad it's there tho!

He did his duty as a Tybur to the very end. Honestly I wish he could have lived longer, he’s a really compelling and interesting character.

I feel like some viewers have carelessly misunderstood Willy because of that scene in the carriage. They're like 'wow, he really hates and shames his own people huh?' but at the beginning of the episode we all saw his abundance of children. Would it not have been extremely contradictory if he had truly wanted the extinction of all Eldians and then at the same time did the complete opposite by mass-reproducing a small army of Eldian children? Maybe that's why that scene was added to the start of the episode, to keep people away from mischaracterising him. Unfortunately, this may have simply been missed or overlooked by some. 

they should had polish the damn episode instead of fillers.

Loved it! Mappa is killing it with the episode additions 

Reading the manga, I truly didn't even consider the possibility that these were Willy's children because he is so obviously a ~*bachelor*~. Like, it didn't even cross my mind that those children weren't his little nieces and nephews because he is suuuuch a Theater Gay. Nothing can change my mind.

Wait a minute, are these the kids in that ending slide from season 3?

IN THE ORIGINAL CHAPTER 101, MAGATH IS THE ONE WHO ADVOCATES FOR KILLING EREN INSTEAD OF EATING HIM (IN CONTRAST TO HIS SUBORDINATE KOSLOW) AND NOTES THAT “THE AGE OF TITANS IS OVER.” IN THE ADAPTATION, MAGATH INSTEAD ADVOCATES FOR EATING EREN, NOTING THAT KILLING HIM WOULD ONLY PROLONG THE PROBLEM. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE CHANGE? 305 Responses

A minor dialogue change didn’t seem to have much of an effect on nearly half of respondents, with 47.5% saying they’re indifferent to the change. 43.3% like the change much better, feeling that it works a lot better with future story developments and makes more sense. A handful didn’t care for the change and felt it tampered with Magath’s overall characterization. 

I think the change was logical and more consistent with the story, but I'm naturally skeptical of any AOT manga-to-anime change.

I forgot this.

It ovewrites the flaw of Magath's original plan. Even if I think its unfitting of him, it makes sense.

I'm not sure what I feel about it. Kinda like how they added Falco having a dream back in episode 1. For now, let's just see.

I suppose the new change is a little contradictory because Magath dislikes Marley’s reliance on Titan power and rather just wishes th ey had prowess in other ways. 

Realistically eating him makes more sense for them to eat Eren so they gain control of the Founder but I think Magath accepting the age of Titans is now done for is more in character.

It obviously makes more sense logistically, but I think it's important for Magath to stand opposed to Marley national policy on this front, like, symbolically.

BETWEEN UDO AND ZOFIA, WHO WOULD YOU HAVE LIKED TO SURVIVE TO RECEIVE MORE STORY IN THE MANGA? 304 Responses

Though they are minor characters, the anime seems to have made some of the fandom a bit more fond of them. Still, 38.5% wouldn’t change anything about their fates, stating that they were necessary for Gabi to develop further as a character. 28% would rather neither of them died and are curious about how they would have developed if they lived to see another day. 23.7% say if they had to pick only one of them, it would be Udo due to his relevant commentary. A handful leaned toward Zofia, wishing they could have learned more about her. 

Udo. But at the same time Isayama can barely handle all the characters that are still alive so Udo probably wouldn't get a lot of screen time anyway.

Zofia. I didn't care about her while reading the manga, but in the anime she was more unique. I liked her stoic voice a lot. Zofia and Gabi should have switch the places. 

None cus i don't like Gabi

Both or neither. One would be just a third wheel to Gabi and Falco. I would love to see more of Udo and Zofia but I think their deaths were important

Udo and zofia's deaths hurt so bad. I didn't particularly care for either of them when reading the manga but i grown attracted to them in the anime. Udo's in particular breaks me. He was such a energic kid and he... got trampled to death. I'm just...

Neither. Both were serving an enemy nation and deserved what they got.

They weren't important to me so I don't really care

OPINION ON HOW THE ATTACK ON LIBERIO WAS PORTRAYED? 306 Responses

47.1% of respondents didn’t want to pick sides, stating that the attack was tragic in both mediums of the story-telling. 25.8% felt that it was much more devastating in animated form alongside the sound, music and voice acting. 18.3% felt a bigger impact while reading the manga. 

Both versions are devastating, but Manga hit harder bc I just was so confused and couldn't stop trying to figure out wtf Eren was doing and why. Watching it knowing what I know made it somehow more devastating and yet also more palatable (bc I have a better understanding.)

It was more devastating in the manga. Especially Udo's death scene 

I think I have to wait until the battle is over. So far it's alright.

Loved it

It gave me more emotions in the manga. 

They got what they deserved

It was far more devastating in trailer 🙄

WE FINALLY HAVE A NAME FOR LADY TYBUR - LARA! THOUGHTS? 307 Responses

One of the few characters left with no name after the large guidebook released a few years ago, Lady Tybur was all we could call her (aside from fan-given names). Now she has an official name! 26.7% found it neat that we finally got this official detail. 25.4% feel that now they can finally sleep at night. 17.6% are forever grateful for the name drop and hated waiting so long for it. 15.3% don’t care at all and 11.7% feel this confirms that Isayama is a fan of Tomb Raider.

Not what I was expecting and wasn't expecting her to get a name. At least people can stop calling her Emma or those other dumbass meme names.

Cool. Next up: names for the Blouse kids, right? Right right?

I'm not kidding when I say I literally jumped up and screeched "SHE HAS A NAME!!!"

she didn't need it. she was the mysterious lady t. 

Lara was more lucky than Traute, who got more panels in the manga but her name was mentioned only in the guidebook. 

Still died

WHICH SCENE FROM THE PREVIEW ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 306 Responses

Of all the shots in the preview, 45.1% of respondents were most looking forward to Levi’s staged attack on Zeke. 17% favored seeing Mikasa assist Eren, 15% were most looking forward to seeing Falco emerge from the basement to see the carnage outside. 10.1% were stoked to see Pieck enter the battlefield. The episode has aired as of the publishing of these poll results - we hope these scenes lived up to the hype (even though we guessed one wrong lol).

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

I enjoyed the episode very much. I felt that the CGI was handled fairly well given the time restraints. However, there were a few instances where it was a bit jarring like Eren eating Willy, Eren pulling the WHT's cord, Mikasa landing on Eren, and Jean climbing up on the roof. Also some of the CGI models looked a bit weird for the scouts. I'm hoping some of these issues can be improved on in the Blue-ray version. Overall, these issues were noticeable but didn't take too much away from my enjoyment of the episode.

As much as I don't like the CGI, episode was great.

Just that it was fantastic and I can't wait for the next one!

The music is top notch. I love it. Especially the new version of XL TT near the end

After re-visiting the trailer we got for this season, it's just....saddening. Everyone was wondering how Mappa was gonna animate AoT and after seeing that trailer, all that effort by the animators, I thought "it's in good hands!". Now that we're getting the episodes and it's underwhelming. I don't blame the Mappa animators at all and cgi is unavoidable at some moments. But whoever are the higher ups who said "animate this in the shortest amount of time" ARE the assholes. It's so upsetting for this anime and the workers of it to be brought down like this :'(

Continuing to enjoy the pictures on the page come to life in the anime.

It was pretty amazing, I was waiting for so long to see this part animated! Aaand I'm so happy I got to see again the scouts! (expecially Connie, my personal fav)

Erwin should had lived instead of Armin, so Erwin can nuke Marley dropping from a blimp

I really liked it! I don't understand all the critics about the animation. It looks really neat and smooth

the SC backlit in that final scene was sickkkkk

It was different from the manga, but all the differences just improved the storytelling and fleshed out the people in Marley. Well done, MAPPA!

aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I’m just grateful Mappa actually gives a shit about adapting the story properly. That alone makes this season a 9/10 for me cause that’s rare to see in the anime industry these days.

THE OST WAS FIRE

Gabi's voice acting was amazing this episode ! Also, it feels good to hear the ODM gear sound effect again. The CGI didn't keep me from enjoying the fight, we got awesome camera movements and good choreography, I'm very hopeful for next episode ! Also best boy Onyankopon might appear soon ?

I seriously do not know why people are complaining. It was amazing! Can't wait for the next episodes, it's going to be action-packed and intense!

I don't know if I liked the episode or not. I usually prefer manga so even episodes I like I prefer their manga versions but there is something in off with the episode and usually, Titans fight are more excited but this one Nah it was not at all. War hammer was great in animation it served a better understanding of its powers but the fight, in general, was like boring?? idk maybe because I am a manga reader so the titan power/character's introduction was not as thrilling as they were when I've read the chapters. anyways, there is still more of the attack on liberio in the next episode so I'll give my final thought when we conclude the arc

I really enjoyed and the CGI doesn't bother me.

I think the reason Attack Titan looks a bit off is it looks a bit thinner! Warhammer looks amazing because it's a true copy of the manga. If Attack Titan was a bit buff, I think nobody would have that much of a problem. Overall the chapter is amazing!

as much as i adored everything else i must admit... what is wrong with the character design? what happened to everyone's jaws?? i think jean, mikasa and pieck were the worst drawn. in the manga, they look flawless. 

I just hope we would get actual discussions in the sub instead of circle jerking or bitching about the cgi/ost etc.

The soundtrack was epic as hell

Mappa is doing a good job, with the little time they had. But sadly, they had the capacity to do way better and I will always regret this situation. And the Jojo memes on Mikasa are on point: in that specific panel, she looks ugly and unlike her cute face in the manga. For the rest of the episode, she's well portrayed

I think this episode is a taste of what is to come. It’s one thing to read still, silent pictures of complete devastation, and it’s another thing to hear the explosions, the screaming and crying. Seeing the blood painted red instead of black and white. When Eren rumbles the world, more people will realize how evil it is, how completely irredeemable. Less people will be #teameren once they get to see it in the anime. I can’t wait to see what MAPPA has in store.

So many nice details in the battle that weren’t there in the manga, the war hammer animation was particularly great

I feel bad complaining, but this was the first episode of the season that has disappointed me at all. Every other episode I feel has elevated the manga. I don't want (and never expected) to be that person, but the CGI, especially on the humans (WHY??) was so awkward it was distracting. We also lost a little bit of expressiveness from Eren, which is kind of a big deal when there's so little from him to begin with. 

Soundtrack was lit!!!!

It is what it is. But after I finished the episode I went back to watch the trailer and got sad that the season just isn't going to look like that. It's not bad by any means and I understand that these are people, not robots working on this with an extremely tight schedule. This entitled fanbase is super embarrassing with it's behavior and harassment of the people working on it. I kind of hope the final arc doesn't get animated now because these people don't deserve it. 

Awesome! I was a bit distracted how the pacing was, cutting a bit weirdly from one episode to another, but I really enjoyed it!

That closeup of Eren's Titan after he nom'd Willy is NUTS. 

It was emotionless and almost boring. The sound director keeps fucking up big time. I didnt feel anything close to the hype I felt watching the Armored/Colossal reveal animated. There were no exciting goosebumps, or tears. Nothing. Also the CGI was terrible. There were good things, but I expected much more for suck a climatic episode

It was a good episode after all, graphic was ok but i think that if they continued with the same titan 2d animation of first episodes and maybe changed a bit some sound it would have been waaay better. Still a good episode imho

The episode was very average. I'm not trying to complain, I know that the anime is mostly for anime-onlines, while we have a manga, but I expected better. I imagined the titan fight to be smooth, but in reality both - WHT and AT - moved like two, fat elephants. In the manga I felt that WHT was fast like a wind. In the anime Lara was slow, she looked like she had a hard time to even hold her hammer. The moment between Eren and Mikasa was disappointing. In the anime when Mikasa was upset about Eren's actions, he was completely unfeeling, while in the manga we see him being full of emotions and almost crying. I know he will turn into a cold bastard but MAPPA shouldn't dehumanize Eren so much now. I was surprised by Connie's glow up. MAPPA has done better job with him. In the manga he still looks like a kid, while MAPPA made him more mature-looking and masculine. That's good for underrated Connie. I'm grateful for the scene between Willy and his children. This way he feels more sympathetic and isn't ""just a guy who declared a war and was eaten by Eren"". 

I really like how the warriors and Marleyans seem to be getting a somewhat equal amount of screen time as the scouts have gotten after they've come into the picture. I hope this helps to make clear for the anime-onlies that understanding the experiences, emotions and the development of the other side is just as important as understanding those of the scouts/Paradis.

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 279 Responses

Thank you again to everyone who participated!

[h1kari]

heyyy if personal ships are open may i have a haikyuu male one please? i’m nadi, i’m a girl with black hair that’s bleached underneath, tan skin, and brown eyes. i’m 5’1 and i make up for my lack of height with a kind of tough personality. i don’t have a filter and i can be brutally honest. i love teasing everyone and everything but that’s just how i show my affection (literally no one is safe). i’m pretty impulsive as well, and i’m always willing to sneak out to go do random things (going on a walk/skateboarding at 2 am?? yES). i’m not really sure what my aesthetic is, i just wear what i want to wear (which is a lot of baggy clothes and little shirt+ big pants fits). i skateboard, write, sketch/paint, and do stick and pokes. i also play guitar, ukulele, and cello and i sing. i can and will make oddly specific playlists for people. my comfort anime is attack on titan lmao and i love horror movies so much just because i love picking it apart until it’s a comedy. i’m a setter in my volleyball team (which is just my friends and i) and i’ve been playing since i was 11. i have a god awful sleeping schedule and spend way too much time simping over 2d characters and sending shitty memes to my friends. i’m also kind of blind when it comes to people liking me?? i always think that they’re my friends and i joke around with them but sometimes they’re flirting and i honestly can’t tell nor can i reciprocate because i simply do not know how to flirt. i’m an enfp, a slytherin, and a cancer. thank you so much for reading this long ass request ily for it <<33

(the gif would be him being confused about Feelings ™) OKAY so this one was kinda hard to choose ngl, i was between tsuki, nishinoya or yamaguchi (idk, the whole soft boy x badass girl seemed cute) but the winner is 🥁🥁🥁 tsukishima!

Alright, let’s get to it: tsukishima at first would be pretty aloof and mean, i mean of course he’a gonna throw salty commenta your way, he’s the tsukishima kei!! However you don’t take them to heart, you even tease him back, and this whole bickering and teasing back and forth starts to be a...consistent thing, sort to speak. It’s in your blood to flick tsuki’s glasses and it’s in his to use your head as an armrest. Though, something ‘weird’ starts happening to our dino boy, he starts craving to see you more, talk to you besides poking fun, actually getting to know you more. He keeps it to himself ofc, if he told his brother he’d implode and embarass him. And telling his team is an absolute nono. So what does this dumb fuck do!! He represses his feelings and pushes you away (excuse the angst) which leaves you confused as fuck and in the process makes you realize that FUCK YOU LIKE TSUKISHIMA KEI, so you’re processing that and get tired of waiting so YOU👏 TAKE 👏ACTIONS👏 one day after a series of events, those being tsukishima ignoring you even if it pains him, you go up to him and just ask him “what’s your deal lately?” His mind is “????????” And he just mutters “nothing” (wow tsuki, so convincing) so you with your pair of lady balls say “alright, then if it’s nothing will you hang out w me this weekend?” Inside you’re losing your shit but trying to keep them nerves inside. Your mans speechless what have you done “..sure” so YAY NOW YOU’RE GOOD

alrigh angst is over im sorry 😭 sO i feel like tsuki is head over heels over your teasing, tough and impulsive nature. Sure he will most defenitely act as if he’s annoyed most of the time but he lowkey highkey loves it. You get him out of his comfort zone, taking him to late night 3am adventures like going up some hills to see the stars, buying snacks, making random ass picnics at the dead of night, etc. Now he’s confused if he doesn’t get at least 1 late night adventure with you. And when you’re not out exploring, you stay at home in your pjs and watch movies, he’s pleased at how you laugh your ass off at terrifying scenes lowkey finds it hot 👀 He also really really loves your honest self, he’s 100% a no bullshit type of person, he can rely on you, and he doesn’t question your feelings for him as much as he thought he would. He needs someone who can bring him down of his high horse, but also help him up when he’a feeling like trash, and no better person than you

DATE IDEASS WHOOP (besides the midnight adventures) you teaching him how to skateboard 🥺🥺 he’s like no❤️ but ofc you convince him so he’s kinda scared at first but trying not to show it, you hold his hand and even if he’s embarrassed he loves being babied from time to time 😭💞 if he falls you’ll fix him up with dino bandages✨ ALSO ya’ll love making playlists for each other and listening to them together, or making one you can share and playing it while you cuddle and talk or study. Okok so this doesnt count as a date but imagine you both going to each other’s volleyball matches!!! Him wearing your jersey number and/or flag/school colors!! And you doing the same!!! He’s just so proud of you, he feels like he’s glowing (“you’re way better than the king”) imagine you seeing him smile proudly when you guys score!! Bro this mans just so impressed w you like how could he not??? You do art in visual AND musical form?? You’re beautiful and have a stunning personality?? You love volleyball just like him?? You help and support him?? Dream come true

I hope you liked it!! Thank you so much for the submission and i hope you have an amazing day/night (also ily2🥺) try not to stay up too late lovely!!🥰💞

[ddaenggtan]

forever rain | knj | m

Being dead isn't anything exciting. Just a lot of walking the same halls of the same apartment day after day after day. Things change when the new tennant arrives, though. Kim Namjoon isn't anything you could have expected; not the way he's so careful and gentle with his plants because he breaks so many other things, not the way his friends joke that he's psychic because you refuse to let him get in the face one time, and certainly not the way he comes home after literal months spent moving things away from table edges for him and announces that he knows he's being haunted and he has some questions for you. You didn't know ghosts could fall in love, but he makes you feel alive again, like you're standing in the rain while thunder crashes around you. You should've known nothing good would come of falling in love with someone living, though. You should've known that heartbreak was the only way this could end...that the rain doesn't last forever. 

part of the Love Yourself Collab, please please please go check out the other fics. Everyone involved is so freaking talented and I have been vibrating out of my skin with how excited I’ve been to read all of these. 

pairing | kim namjoon x reader (unspecified gender, even!)

word count | 18.8k | cross posted to ao3

genre/warnings | ghost!reader, slight fluff, hard angst, literally the most angst ever it gets fluffy for a bit but litERALLY this is an angst fic, major character death, unprotected sex (idk what the etiquette for ghost sex is but you should still wrap it before you tap it fam), depictions of terminal illness (v mild), mentions of blood (several, but not graphic), major character death, allusions to violence, namjoon is a klutz whats new, depictions of terminal illness, major character death, i added that tag three times pls dont read this if you aren’t comf with mcd bc i literally tagged it three times so y’all would definitely see it, also probably have some tissues ready bc i cried while writing it so 

a/n | this is, to date, the saddest thing i have ever written in my entire fucking life. formal apologies to this joon bc oh my god you poor soul. i’m not kidding when i say you might cry, because i’m a big baby wuss and cried while writing the fucking outline when i first decided to write this for the collab so like......rip my own heart. i was really honored when i was approached about the LYA collab, bc like,,,,,mE? WHAT? and i was really nervous because i’ve never been part of any collabs in any fandom ever, and to have to do something like forever rain and mono as a whole justice, like,,,,,,, *screaming* y’know?? so i went on mono lockdown and just had the whole thing on repeat and was like “alright. what emotions does this make me feel.” and i eventually settled on the loneliness and isolation that he expresses, and feeling like no one understands what you’re going through, but that ultimately the album as a whole and forever rain give off this feeling of like. things get better, you’re not as alone as you feel, and you just gotta get through the bad stuff to find the good stuff. basically i just got really in my feels about it and was like ‘lets make myself cry ahahaha’ and,,,i dID i cried several times while planning and writing and editing bc im a Soft Bitch and don’t read much angst for that exact reason lmao. so buckle tf up y’all, this a helluva ride!! 

Of all the things you'd heard about death, all the different possibilities that existed in the world, the one thing you hadn't been prepared for was the boredom. You hadn't been prepared for any of it, really, too surprised by your own demise to plan at all, but even if you'd been able to, you don't think that this is what you would've counted on. An eternity - or however long ghosts existed - of being stuck in the same studio apartment you'd lived in when you died. The same walls, the same floor, the same view out the only window of the alley beside the building. It's boring and lonely and boring.

You've found more creative ways to entertain yourself as time passes. First, you started by figuring out just what being a ghost meant. You can't really communicate with anyone, haven't figured out how to make sure everything you say is heard, but you can manipulate objects pretty easily these days. The most difficult thing is becoming fully corporeal - completely visible and able to interact with things at the same time. It's hard enough to be visible, and you aren't really sure what the point of it would be when it would just scare whoever's living in your apartment; that's the last thing you want to do, run them off when they're the best source of amusement you've found.

You won't lie, you were a little offended when the first tenants moved in after you. It was difficult to watch your things get packed up and moved out by your friends, hard to lose all of the little things you loved in your apartment, like the shitty bead curtain you'd gotten as a gag gift or the photo collage of all of your loved ones. It's frustrating to not know how they're all doing these days; the one time you got brave enough to fuck with a laptop to check on them, you nearly broke the thing, and you haven't tried since. Still, it seemed cathartic for them to clear out your apartment, and it was a bittersweet sight, but you tried to focus on the positive side of it.

And then the couple moved in.

Not only did they fuck like rabbits - which is something you're going to stay pissed about, because there's no satisfaction to be had by you anymore, and it's the one thing you can think of that would be endlessly entertaining - but the couple was also grossly obnoxious. They had zero respect for your apartment , or you, and while one could argue that they didn't actually know you were there, it still made the sting of losing your entire life that much worse. You spent you don't know how many nights hovering awkwardly in the bathroom while they fucked, would constantly wander in to see them going at it on the kitchen counter at ass o'clock in the morning, and once you came in to see them tossing actual literal eggs at the ceiling like the absolute fucking weirdos they were.

So, naturally, you got a little mad. How dare they treat your apartment like that? They had no respect, but they were going to learn it real quick if they were going to live there with you, whether they wanted to or not.

They didn't last long after the first night of slamming cabinets and squealing hinges, but the thrown picture frame of their family was the conclusive end to their stay.

There have been others, since then. They haven't all been terrible, not like that first couple, but most of them have been sub-par roommates, and if you decided early on that if the rest of your immortal life is going to be locked in one shitty apartment with the absolute worst view in the city - because no one wants to see the drunken hookups and potential body dumps that take place in that alley - then you're at least going to share said apartment with someone nice to exist with.

You release a heavy sigh, staring at where your hand disappears through the shower wall. You've taken to testing the boundaries of the apartment again; you already know what the result will be, learned in the first few hours that you're stuck here, but you can't help trying when you get really bored. You just got distracted fucking around with the pipes in the meantime, because you're literally too bored to even focus. It's part of why you miss the last tenants so much, because you weren't ever really bored with them around.

A single mother and her two kids, crammed into a much-too-small apartment because it was all they could afford, and they were the light of your un-life. One a budding teenager that wrote angsty poetry who loved your trick of making things float around, and one an adorable toddler who adored playing peekaboo with you and coloring, and a mom that was too busy to notice anything out of the ordinary. It was like having a family again, made you feel useful when you could pull the meat out of the freezer for her to make dinner with or scratch a quick 'do your homework' on a steamy bathroom mirror. It was fun and it made being dead that much more bearable.

You really should've known that letting the toddler draw the two of you would be a bad idea, especially since there were several artistic liberties taken. It's not your fault the kid thought you'd look cool with fangs and bloody holes instead of eyes and claws that reached the floor. It was art, it was supposed to be a little different from reality. Still, you can't blame her for seeing the picture of her kid and 'my new best friend' and immediately calling the landlord. And a priest.

So, perhaps you gave the apartment a bit of a reputation. Maybe it's been a couple of months since the mom moved out and took your two buds with her. There might be the possibility that you've been the slightest bit salty about losing your friends and you've been extra-ghost-y whenever someone comes by to view the place in an attempt to make yourself feel a little better. Can you really be blamed for that? You just want a decent damn roommate for your life after death, and if that means putting the potentials through a little bit of a test, then so be it. You only feel a little bit bad for the landlord.

The creak of the front door pulls you from your thoughts, and the echo of a voice makes you narrow your eyes. Your first instinct is to slam some windows to scare off whoever's in your apartment, but you repress the urge. You'd die of boredom if you could die again, and whoever this is could provide a few hours' entertainment at the least.

You pop your head through the bathroom wall to see what's going on, and wow , who let an actual giant into your apartment? Fucking with the pipes could definitely wait for this guy.

"I know it's last minute, yeah," He says into the phone that's held carefully between his cheek and shoulder. His arms are loaded down with boxes and he's angled away from you just enough that you can't see his face, but he's tall and broad and wearing what looks like the world's comfiest sweater, and you want to badly to wrap yourself up in him. "But you know Joon needs the help. Don't pretend you aren't constantly willing to put off your thesis, I know for a fact that you went out to look at stationery with Tae last week, and everyone knows that's the most boring thing on the planet."

He's quiet, listening to the soft crackle of a voice from the other end. You slide through the wall completely, hovering as close as you dare to try and hear what the other person is saying. Tall, Broad, and Comfy scoffs.

"He can stare at one sheet of paper for at least ten minutes, Yoongi. Do I need to remind you of the time he spent an entire fucking hour debating which set of holiday scrapbook to buy because, and I quote, 'this one has the really nice rose pattern on it that would look great with the invitations, but, oh, look at the pinstripes in this one!'" His voice morphs into what you guess is an approximation of whoever Tae is, and you laugh at the high-pitched, nasally tone.

Tall and Broad spins, eyes narrowing as he looks around the room, and fuck , he's literally gorgeous. You've never seen someone more attractive in your life or your death and it would probably knock the wind out of you if you actually had breath. Comfy McGorgeous turns back around and sets the stack of boxes in the corner, continuing his tirade about Tae and stationery while simultaneously trying to talk Yoongi into coming, you assume, to help Joon move. You don't know who any of these people are, but they're already proving to be the most entertaining bunch that's ever graced these walls.

The door to your apartment flies open, making both you and Boyfriend Material whip your head around.

"Christ, Jin, you couldn't hold the fucking door open for us?" Someone grunts. Beauty Von Softness - or, Jin, as you should probably refer to him - winces and strides over to do just that as two more guys stagger in with a couch suspended between them. The second they're in the door they drop it to the ground and flop onto it, panting and sweaty.

"Listen, I was busy trying to get our resident hermit out of his cave to help us carry some of this shit," Jin spits back. "And you all know what it's like getting him out and about."

"Did you tell him that there's pizza after we're done? Because I've found that food is the best motivator for him," the guy closest to the door says. His hair is soft-looking and long and you wish you could pet it.

The other guy, the one who cursed Jin out and has the softest pink hair you've ever seen, laughs. "Jeongguk, you always think the best motivator is food."

"Well, yeah, because it is."

"For you, maybe. Other people require actual rewards."

"But food is a reward," Jeongguk mutters into the fabric of the couch. Jin tsks and smacks As Yet Unnamed on the back of the head.

"You're lucky I hung up on him when you bombarded your way into this place, or he'd definitely not come help us," Jin says as he leans against the back of the couch.

Unnamed starts to say something else but is cut off by someone running straight into the end of the couch. They all shoot to their feet, spouting apologies as the three of them maneuver the couch into the apartment properly.

"Sorry, sorry, Jimin distracted us from properly finishing our job," Jeongguk says quickly. He looks to the stranger with a small apologetic smile, and you're pretty sure if it were humanly possible, there would be actual literal stars in his eyes.

"Oh, it's okay, Jeonggukkie. I should've been looking where I was going." New Challenger walks straight towards where you stand, and you realize seconds before it's too late that he is not aware there is a massive stack of boxes in his path. Instinctively, you shove them to the side with your foot. Tall And Oblivious sets his boxes down without any trouble, none the wiser about any of it, and the three near the couch are too busy bickering in hushed whispers to have noticed you doing anything.

The newcomer straightens and turns to look at them all with a bright smile, and you think you might actually see The Light in the way his cheeks dimple. If you thought the other three were beautiful - which they are, no doubt about that, you're seriously wondering why the hell a bunch of supermodels are moving stuff into your apartment - then this guy is easily an Actual Fucking God or something. His brown hair is soft and shiny, his smile is warmer than the sun, and you're fairly positive that for the first time since you died, you feel goosebumps along your arms.

"Seriously, Namjoon, we should've realized you'd be up soon. You stay, start unpacking while we go get the rest of the furniture." Jimin shoves Jeongguk out the door while he's speaking, ignoring the taller's complaints, and Jin just shakes his head at the sight.

"Yoongi'll be here soon, he's finishing up another draft of his thesis. Hobi and Tae are stopping to get the pizzas and then they'll be here, too." Jin's voice is calmer than it was Jimin and Jeongguk, more soothing, and it makes you curious. Not only because of the tone change, but because you know Hobi, he owns the building and is the one who rented you the apartment when you first moved in. One of your favorite things to do is scare him when he comes by to make sure everything’s ready for a viewing.

"What? No, I said I was gonna pay for pizzas!" Namjoon looks distinctly more upset about this than someone should over not having to pay for pizza, at least in your mind, and it only makes you more curious.

"Yeah, but you also just moved out of your old apartment because it was too expensive, and had like an hour to load everything into a truck, so you're gonna let their trust fund asses pay for pizzas. We're seven adult men, and Guk could eat an entire horse and still be hungry. I'm not letting you pay for that."

Silence hangs in the apartment for a while before Namjoon gives a soft thanks to Jin. They share a smile before Jin makes his way back out. You follow each step, shadowing him all the way to the door before you're stopped. You lean your entire body forward, struggling against the invisible barrier keeping you inside, and the force of it nearly slams you back into the wall when you sag in defeat.

You aren't sure why you try anymore, but you know yourself well enough to admit that you're not going to stop until you can at least make it to the hallway.

Whatever you expected Namjoon to be like as a roommate, however unknowing he is about the situation, you don't think you could've guessed what he's actually like.

Out of the seven boys you saw the day he moved in, he's the only one living there. Not a complete surprise, considering it's a studio apartment, but you remember when there were nine people living there at one point, and there was barely room for anyone to breathe even if it had been pretty consistently amusing. Still, for one person, he's got a ton of stuff, and it's a shock it all fits. His bed is massive and comfortable and the best place to lay during the day because it's shoved between the brick half-wall and the large windows that take up one wall. The area's supposed to be for a dining table, you think, but you'd had your bed there, too, and the familiarity is nice.

His couch is small and old but manages to fit five of them, and it's a pleasantly jarring difference from the coffee table that looks like - and might actually be - an old steamer trunk. The exposed brick wall you love holds his mounted TV, a feat that took Jeongguk and Yoongi a solid hour and a half because they kept stripping the screws, and it's got one of those 8-cubicle bookshelf things under it that stores a frankly obnoxious amount of books.

He's got mugs for days, an adorable if odd collection of figurines and mini-statues scattered around the apartment, a strange obsession with some reclaimed wood shelf he's got hanging above his bed, but the absolute highlight of it all is The Wall.

It took them three hours to get it installed and set up the way he wanted, between the placements and the thick wooden shelf they’re perched on with supports and a small safety bar along the edge to keep them from falling off, but along the entire windowed wall and partway after it turns the corner runs a long shelf absolutely covered in plants. There are some elsewhere, like the one he keeps hanging from the bathroom ceiling and the couple in the kitchen, but most are on The Wall. Each one is in its own special pot, each a unique color with a name painted carefully along it, and most of them look half-dead. They're all distinct and unique from each other and they all surely have different needs and ideal conditions, but you'd never guess because Namjoon is so wholly committed to them all. He takes time every day to water them and prune them if he needs to, he checks on them constantly. He even reinforced the safety bar for the ones that sit beside his bed, so there was less chance he'd accidentally knock them around while sleeping.

It's fascinating, watching him tend to them. He's so careful and gentle, with absolute precision in every moment. He cares for his plants the way some people would care for a pet or a child. He doesn’t believe any of them are past caring for, slowly nurses all of them back to health and frequently turns up with more he’s saved from some department store. The most endearing thing, though, you decide as you sit curled among the haphazard blankets of his bed and watch, is the talking. It's every day, for as long as it takes him to care for the plants, and it's the cutest thing in the world. He's talking to some succulent as you just stare at him, filling the comfortable silence of the apartment with his soft, soothing voice, and you wish he could hear you when you talk back to him.

"I know they mean well, but at some point, I've just gotta live my own life, y'know? I can't study something just because everyone expects me to, and I can't pursue some dream just because people think I'd be good at it. I've gotta do what's right for me, don't I?" His tone is positive and bright, a contrast to the gloomy sky that casts shadows across the apartment.

You float over, hovering beside him to look at the plant he's lovingly stroking with his thumb. It's in a pretty periwinkle pot, with the name 'Mang' painted in careful but shaky black handwriting. It's not your favorite - that's the one in the bathroom that hangs over its light blue bowl, a quickly scrawled 'Koya' on the bottom - but it seems to be one of Namjoon's personal favorites based on how often he talks to it specifically.

"I think it's nice you do things for yourself," You tell him. He doesn't react, unable to hear you, but it's nice to hear your own voice after so long. You slide one of the plants - Chim, in a small yellow bowl - to the side and away from his elbow, and he doesn't notice. "You know yourself better than they do. You should trust yourself."

He keeps mumbling to Mang, something about everyone following their own dreams and doing what they need over what people want or expect, when you lay your hand over his.

Thunder cracks through the sky and the first raindrops hits the window as your non-existent skin hits his, and it's the most real thing you've felt in a long time. It's as if the scent of ozone and electricity is in the apartment itself, crackling in your hair and filling your nose with the overpowering scent of the sweet summer rain. You can almost feel the water hit your skin, the way the wind whips at your hair, and it's so intoxicating that you almost miss the sharp inhale from the man beside you.

He's not looking at his plant when you look up, but instead at the window in front of the two of you. You glance at it, and for a fraction of a second, you can see yourself in the reflection. The glimpse has you jerking towards it before you can stop yourself, desperate to know if something has changed. You haven't seen your reflection since you died, not in the mirror or the window or the toaster, and maybe, just maybe, it means something's changed.

Your hand stops against the glass of the window as you reach forward. You can't feel the cool of it under your palm, but it's no less a barrier for you as it would be for Namjoon. Something in you breaks as you watch the raindrops race each other to the ground.

"Ah, I forgot the forecast called for rain today," he mutters, eyes focused on the lightning that streaks by. He doesn't react when your fist slams against the glass, nor when you let out the scream that's been building in you for however long it's been since you died. You're so close, not even a hair's breadth from feeling something new yet familiar for the first time in so long, and you can't. You're still stuck in these four walls, unable to even reach the air outside.

You just want to feel the rain again.

You move dejectedly away from the window, ignoring the way Namjoon shivers as you pass. The temperature in the apartment has dropped considerably, you think, between the storm and your own mood. You can't tell, really. You haven't felt warm or cold or hungry or anything since you died that isn't the oppressive loneliness of life after death.

A dry sob tears itself from your throat and you hurry to hide in the bathroom as Namjoon turns to look around him. He mumbles something you can't hear and after a few minutes, he returns to tending to his plants, leaving you to your tear-less cries in peace.

It becomes quickly apparent to you that Namjoon should really have a roommate, if only to save him from himself. It takes a few weeks for you to realize this, but luckily he seems to narrate his life as he goes through it - which is overwhelmingly adorable to you, and you refuse to acknowledge that - and that means that you hear it every time he goes, "Ah, Namjoon, be more careful next time," or "Oh, shoot, that's not, fuck, I gotta buy more eggs now." It's painful to watch, even for you, and at some point, you just couldn't take it anymore. No one else is around to help, but someone needs to you, and clearly the universe means for you to be that someone.

It's a full-time job, protecting him from himself. You've saved countless mugs, pushing them farther away from the edges of counters and tables, and been just in time to shove bowls or vases an inch over so that his elbows glide harmlessly past them. It's almost exhausting, if you could get tired you would, but it's worth it, you think, as you catch the bookshelf under the TV as it tilts. You slide it gently to the floor, glad that Namjoon is distracted by how close he came to losing a toe to notice.

Because that's the other thing about this tree of a man: he's the most oblivious person you've ever fucking seen. It doesn't matter what it is you do, whether it's bouncing his spray bottle of water so it doesn't break on the hard floor or shake the counters so that the knife he's about to drop on his fucking hand falls the other way, he doesn't see a single fucking thing. You'd think he was blind if he wasn't so attentive to the way his plants grow. He notices nothing and you're glad for it because you really aren't sure what he would do if he knew you were going around haunting him just to keep him alive. You just want to help, want to keep the soft smile he wears more often around for as long as possible.

You don't dare to look into why you want that, too afraid of what you might find there.

It's also just fun to watch him and his friends, relaxed and unreserved. You never had many friends when you were alive, just a small handful that you really truly loved and whom you miss every day. Watching these seven boys fills you with nostalgia and a strange sense of joy because they really are some of the funniest people you've ever been around.

Like now, with four of them sprawled on the couch while Jeongguk and Hoseok make themselves comfortable leaning against the bookshelf under the TV - which has been bolted to the wall since it almost broke Namjoon's foot - and Namjoon watches them all from his bed since it's the only other place to sit. There are beer bottles scattered around and decorating the half-wall that separates the bed from the room proper, everyone is varying levels of drunk, and you're curled up close to Namjoon, leaning against the wall so you can stop him from knocking over any of the bottles nearby because you know him too well at this point.

"I'm just saying, I don't understand why they made him so over-powered in the new movies, because he's supposed to be some kid from Brooklyn! Giving him the high-tech suit essentially strips him of the friendly neighborhood persona that he's always relied on!" Jeongguk has been ranting for a while about the newest release in the Spiderman franchise - apparently, he's part of the actual Avengers now, which is a shock to you since the last thing you heard before you died was that the franchise was canceled until further notice or something.

"And I'm saying that if they didn't give him the suit then it would've made no sense how he was able to do those things," Yoongi responds. You're pretty sure he's just arguing to be contrary at this point, because you remember him telling Namjoon the other day that he prefers DC over Marvel.

"Garfield's Spiderman could do those things," you mutter, "And he didn't have a fancy suit."

"Okay, then how do you explain Andrew Garfield's version being able to do that stuff? He doesn't need the suit, he never has!" You preen at the way Jeongguk echoes your thoughts. "I'm telling you, I don't care how good the relationship with Holland's Spidey and Iron Man is, by giving him the tech and the advancements they did, they've undermined everything that Spiderman is supposed to be about."

"Jeongguk come off it, everyone knows Garfield's Spidey was just all bad writing. I mean, what kind of person can do all that stuff, realistically? He's the one that really needed the Stark suit." Taehyung's voice is slurred and quiet, definitely as drunk as the rest of them. 

"What-! No! I could do half of that without being bitten by a weird science spider!" Jin scoffs at Jeongguk's words. 

"Yeah, sure, Guk. The same way you can do that bottlecap challenge."

"Bottle cap challenge, and yeah, I could!" The youngest stands and you don't bother to hide your grimace. 

"This isn't going to end well, is it?" You ask. No one acknowledges you, too busy finding something Jeongguk can kick the cap off of as the boy readies himself. He's steady on his feet but his face is red and he can't seem to stop giggling. 

"If I do this, you gotta call me SpiderGuk from now on, okay?" He says. No one agrees, but it doesn't stop him from laughing again and doing a couple of roundhouse kicks to warm up. 

"Okay, okay, Joonie doesn't have any regular water bottles, but we found a screw-top beer in the fridge so ya gotta use that," Jimin says as he stumbles over with said bottle. Jeongguk just nods, an adorable focused expression on his face. Jimin holds the bottle in the air, and you can already tell his grip isn't tight enough to keep the bottle still when Jeongguk kicks it. 

The next ten seconds happen in slow-motion. Jeongguk's leg flies out to kick but his drunken body isn't able to handle the sudden shift in balance, and he slips. His foot hits the bottle slightly too low, and it goes flying out of Jimin's weak grip into the air. Everyone in the room watches as it hurtles straight towards Namjoon's face, and you react out of habit and instinct, catching it in one hand before you even realize you've moved. 

Everyone freezes, staring at where the bottle hovers in front of Namjoon's face. You're the only one able to see your fingers wrapped around it. A shock jolts through you at the realization of what you've done and you drop the bottle as if it burned you. Fuck, they were all going to freak, then Namjoon would move out and you'd be stuck alone once more. You should've just shoved him out of the way, what were you thinking, you're so fucking stupid-

"Dude," Hoseok mutters from where he's perched on the arm of the couch. "Holy shit, Joon, you're fucking telepathic." 

Yoongi rolls his eyes and smacks his chest. "Telekinetic, you fucking-"

"Holy shit, you've got fucking superpowers!" Jeongguk squeaks. "Do it again!"

Namjoon isn't even able to get a word out before there's a book flying at his face, and you panic. You can't catch it, too rushed, but you manage to deflect it so it hits the bed with a soft thump instead of braining Namjoon straight in the nose. 

"Woah, you really do have superpowers," Jimin whispers. He lobs a bottlecap at Namjoon, and you catch it in your palm before letting it drop onto the half-wall. 

"I don't have...what the fuck you guys," Namjoon insists. His eyes are as wide as saucers behind the thick glasses he has on. He looks freaked out and you want nothing more than to hug him. Your hand reaches out of its own accord, halfway closing the distance to stroke his hair before you catch yourself. 

"Hey, levitate your plants," Jin demands. Namjoon looks panicked as he glances at the wall of plants, and you heave a sigh. With any luck, they're so drunk that they'll remember this as a strange fever dream, but you can't just let them keep throwing things at him. You crawl over to the wall, avoiding Namjoon as you do, and grasp one of the plants tight. It's a white pot with red polka dots, a simple RJ on the side, and it's fucking heavy. You only get it a few inches off the shelf before you're forced to put it down.

"Oh my god, catch this!" Taehyung throws a coffee mug straight at Namjoon's head and you panic again. You catch it, and you've decided you're fucking sick of them throwing things at him, so you lob it back and dart across the room to bounce it safely to the counter before it can break. 

Everyone in the room stares at the mug and then looks back at Namjoon, who hasn't moved from his spot on the bed. 

"Oh my god, you're a superhero," Jeongguk whispers, awe in his eyes. 

"That's fucked up," Yoongi mutters, wincing when Hoseok elbows him. 

"Maybe we should get some sleep," Namjoon says quietly. The others look like they want to disagree with him, and you have no doubt they want to explore the newfound 'abilities' of their friend, but they still start gathering trash together before they head out. 

Namjoon lays awake for a long time that night, glasses folded and sitting atop the half-wall beside you. He's oblivious to the way you watch him, too lost in thought to feel the weight of your stare or the chill in the air. 

"I don't understand," He says after a while. "I really don't, but there's got to be a reason for it." He doesn't elaborate, merely turns over and evens his breathing out until he starts snoring, but you watch him for most of the night. He's fascinating, this human, and you wonder what makes him so different from the others you've met. 

He apparently decides to experiment. You've known Namjoon is intelligent since he first moved in and you saw his collectible encyclopedias, but you hadn't realized just what it would be like in actuality. 

It starts simple. He'll toss something in the air and let it clatter to the ground. Nothing big, just little things like pencils or bottlecaps, and not far, just enough that his eyes narrow as he apparently tries to use his telekinetic abilities to manipulate them. 

It slowly graduates from there. Next comes the way he stares at something across the room, hyper-focused on whatever it is until you notice and move it around for him. It's a guessing game, sometimes, trying to figure out just what he wants to move or how he wants to move it, but each time you're successful, he smiles so brightly, dimples on full display. Who wouldn't want to make him smile like that?

It's hit or miss, sometimes. You're only so strong, and while you've had a lot of practice, you still get tired. You lifted his bookshelf almost a full inch before blacking out. Next thing you knew, a couple of days had passed and Namjoon was staring at a coffee mug. That was a significantly less fun day; between losing time and having to catch coffee mug after coffee mug, you were exhausted and a little shaken. 

So when he stops staring at things for extended periods of time, when he starts to go back to reading and scrolling the internet and bingeing all the completed shows that Netflix and Amazon had to offer, you're grateful for it. He still occasionally tests it out; he's always subtle about it, choosing to stare quietly until you notice and make whatever it is float around for a minute. Once you wandered around looking for him - a feat in a studio apartment - and found him just sitting on the bathroom floor, staring at a shampoo bottle.

You'd like to say that you don't move things entirely because he wants you to. It's a good test of your abilities and how far you can push yourself until it becomes too much, and it's always nice to have actual evidence that you still exist - in some form, at least - in the world. The validation that comes from seeing him smile every time you lift a pencil or slide a coffee mug to the side, it's not for any reason but the satisfaction of knowing that you have some kind of existence. Some kind of impact on the world, even if you can't be seen and can't leave the apartment.

It's part of why you start moving things around yourself more often; you're hoping he just blames it on his overactive 'abilities' if he notices because you really aren't sure what he would think otherwise. But you also know for a fact that just seeing that you have some kind of sway over the world still - over the things inside this tiny apartment - makes you feel just that bit better about being dead.

Which is why it's such a fucking shock when the door to the apartment slams open one evening just for Namjoon to slam it closed again and announce into the air, "So I know you're haunting me, please don't try to deny it, I only want to talk to you."

You freeze where you are, halfway through the closet door from where you were reorganizing his clothes because they made no sense and you were bored. He's looking around the apartment, almost desperate in the way he's searching, and you can't bring yourself to move. It's obvious he can't see you, and you aren't even sure if he's being serious, but the way he huffs and clenches his jaw before moving into the kitchen tells you that he probably is.

You follow him, curious, and watch as he pulls a small package out of his bag and starts ripping it open. You float the remains of what looks like gift wrap over to the trashcan, because you know Namjoon will forget, before going back to watching him. He's only a little careful as he cracks something in his hands and then slaps it onto the fridge, and you peek around him to see that it's some kind of words or something. There’s a wide variety, with no clear theme to them, as well as at least one of each letter of the alphabet. It's then you remember the throwaway comment Yoongi made during that night - "You need, like, poetry stuff, like those magnets that go on the fridge that people write that deep shit with, y'know? I'm gonna buy you one," - and realize that he'd followed through on his vow. 

"Alright," Namjoon says, leaning against his kitchen counter and staring at the magnets. "First and foremost, am I really being haunted or is this some kind of hallucination?" His gaze never falters, doesn’t ever drift from the magnetic words now spread across his fridge doors. It takes several minutes to build up the energy and the courage to move closer to the fridge.

You don't look at him as you move the words around, but you can hear the sharp intake of breath. That's likely all the confirmation that he needs, but still you clear a spot and let the words ' I am here ' sit where he can see them clearly. You wrinkle your nose, disliking how formal it sounds, but you have to make do, you suppose.

"Okay," Namjoon breathes. "Okay, prove it. My brain could work this into a hallucination. How do I know you're really a ghost?"

"Seriously?" You huff. "What the fuck am I supposed to do that wouldn't work into a hallucination, dude?"

He gets fidgety in the few minutes that you spend wondering how the fuck you're going to prove that you're a real actual ghost to someone who clearly doesn't believe in them. His foot taps at the floor and he scratches at his hand, which only makes you want to wrap your own hands around his until he stops, much like your best friend used to lay her legs across your lap to get you to stop shaking your knee.

The realization comes in a flash, and you're moving letters around before you can stop yourself.

Face book, Park Jihyo, best friend.

Namjoon stares at it for a long while before he brings his phone out of his pocket and begins to tap at the screen. You don't get too close; you've got a history with shorting out electronics, and you aren't sure you want to know what your best friend is up to without you there with her.

"Okay," Namjoon says. "Okay, I've never seen her before, so I don't think my brain could work her into a hallucination. Okay. Alright. I'm being haunted. This is fine."

"Calm down, I'm haunting the apartment, not you." He doesn't react to your words, as usual, but it still makes you feel the slightest bit better. He stares at his phone for a little longer, and the curiosity burns under your skin, but you resist. You know from experience that if you try to get too close, his phone will stop working. Just like TV, the stereo, the laptops, everything. You've had enough experience with that kind of thing to know what will happen.

"Okay, Casper," Namjoon huffs out after several minutes of waiting. He looks up and his eyes dart around the apartment, and you wonder if he's just nervous or if he's trying to spot you. "Where are you right now? Can you make yourself visible? I mean, I know you're a ghost, but it feels rude not talking to you to your face."

You huff a laugh but reach for a coffee cup. You know you can't just make yourself visible at will; you've only done it a couple of times, to your knowledge, and none of them have been on purpose. It's even more difficult to make yourself corporeal and physical, harder than just manipulating objects, but you did it once. Back when the single mom still lived here, when her toddler was falling and you had no way to cushion the fall except with your own body; you still aren't sure how it happened, but you remember being able to feel the floor against your back and the warmth of the baby on top of you for a split second before you were gone again. You won't forget that any time soon.

You float the mug towards where you stand, holding it in front of your face long enough that when you pull it away, Namjoon's eyes don't follow it. It's a strange feeling; you know he can't see you, can tell by the way his brow furrows and his eyes slide around the space, but it feels like he's looking straight at you. It feels like you're being seen for the first time since you died.

"So, where are you from, Casper?" His tone is forcibly conversational, as if he's trying his best to keep himself calm. You roll your eyes and move the magnets to show ' here ' and he nods. "You're not gonna try to possess me, or kill me, or run me off, are you? No offense or anything. I figure you would've already at this point, but...cover my bases."

No. Am nice. I think.

"You think? You don't know if you're a nice ghost?"

Does anyone truly know if they are nice? You frown, trying to figure out how to say what you want to say with the limited words available. I can only try. It's still not perfect; there's more that you want to say, more that you want to be heard, but this has to do for now.

"I can accept that. Alright. Just talking to a ghost in my kitchen. Okay. This is totally normal." He rubs a hand over his face, and you're a little impressed. Everyone else that's lived here has freaked when presented with the knowledge that you're a ghost. Namjoon looks very much like his world is exploding, but he doesn't have the same fear and apprehension in his eyes. He's certainly coping better than the single mom.

"Are you the only ghost? Here, I mean, are you the only ghost here?" He breathes a sigh of relief at your 'yes.’ "Can you see other ghosts? Do you know any other ghosts?" The 'don't know, no' that you move around on your fridge seems to unsettle him a little, but there's a curiosity burning behind it that makes your skin tingle.

Can't leave, is what you say next, cutting off whatever question he was about to ask.

"You can't leave at all? The building, or the apartment?"

The second.

"Wow. You're really stuck here?" He looks around the apartment as if seeing it for the first time and sucks in a breath. "What do you do all day?"

Watch. He cocks a brow. You are... You hesitate. The word you need isn't there, everything that comes to you is too poetic or corny for you to actually say, but the weight of his eyes is heavy on your hands. Fun is what you settle on, but it's not right either. 'Interesting' isn't there, nor is 'fascinating' or 'lovely,' and you don't want to scare him off by telling him that part of the reason you watch him so much is that he's so full of life that you feel less dead when he's around.

He laughs at your words though and shakes his head ever so slightly. "Alright, well, I'm gonna shower, so just, don't...watch that?" You squawk at the insinuation that you would, quickly rearranging the letters to spell ' privacy' and making a large angry face out of the rest of the words. He's already turned away, though, and it makes you angrier.

You don't want him thinking that you would peep at him. You already make sure that you're facing the windows when he finishes showering, you've been determined to not be creepy since the day he moved in, and to have him think otherwise is like a slap in the face. You slam the mug against the counter and he startles, turning to gape at it. You carry it to where your words and make-do emoji sit waiting for him to notice them.

"Okay," He says quickly. "Okay, privacy, yeah, got it. You respect my privacy. Appreciated."

"How fucking rude," You mutter as you set the mug back down. You don't adjust the magnets as he disappears into the bathroom. You want him to see them, want him to be reminded of the fact that being dead doesn't mean you don't have basic decency.

You can't get him to shut up now that he knows you're there. He still forgets sometimes, mostly when he's talking to his plants or narrating the way he carefully constructs some origami creation, but more often than not, he's talking to thin air. He spends a lot of time perched on his counter, watching you move magnets around his fridge through the thick lenses of his glasses before he spouts off some other question for you to answer. 

He covers the basics first: how old you were when you died, when your birthday is, your favorite color, what you were studying in school, and of course your name, though he insists on calling you Casper. You aren't sure why but you also don't get a chance to question it, because he hits you with more and more questions every day. Sometimes you don't answer because you can't, too limited by the poetry magnets to be able to really converse; sometimes you just don't have the energy to move the magnets around, but those are days are rare. The only times you use the tired magnet are when you find your limbs too heavy to move, weighed down with the memories of what it meant to be alive. 

Those are the bad days, but his questions make them just a little easier.

"How do you move around? Do you just float everywhere?" Walking, but different. No weight. Soft.

"How are you able to manipulate things in my world? Are they different from things in your world?" Focus. Takes time. Same.

"Do you sleep at all? Do ghosts dream?" No sleep. Just existing.

"You don't eat, do you? Should I be stocking up on snacks for you?" No. Save your sustenance. "What was the last thing you ate?" Don't remember. "Huh. I hope it was something good." Same.

"Were you ever in a relationship?" Once. A long time before. "Do you miss them?" Not anymore.

"What did you do while you were alive?" School. "Oh, really? Do you remember what you studied?" Boring. Important then, but it made me forget to live. Not important now. Namjoon goes quiet for a long moment after this one, staring out the window at something you can't see. He nods but doesn't ask any more questions, and he reads for the rest of the night.

It only takes a couple of weeks for both you and Namjoon to get tired of standing in his kitchen fucking around on the fridge. His legs get tired and he gets distracted by his thoughts, and you can barely keep up with the rapid-fire questions you get.

So Namjoon buys one of those cheap cookie sheets with the slightest lip at the edge and dumps the magnets on that. He leaves it on the coffee table, usually, there for you to pick up if he asks something but out of the way for when he stretches out to nap lazily in the afternoon sun.

You like the cookie sheet more than the fridge. He watches you as you work out your responses, can see the way you start to move one word before moving another instead; it makes it feel more like a conversation.

It becomes a favorite pass-time of Namjoon's, curling on the couch and putting some sort of music on in the background and just talking to you. A lot of nights his questions stop with a lingering silence from one or both of you; yours because you don't have the ability to share the words running rampant through your mind, and his for reasons still unknown to you. Still, you've missed it. You've missed talking to someone, being heard when you speak, having someone ask how you are at the end of the day.

It's the little things.

"You said you can't leave, right, Casper?" Namjoon's curled up on his couch, tucked into the arm with a blanket thrown over his lap, a mug of something warm in his hands to combat the chill of the season, and some R&B track playing lightly from his phone. You knock your fist against the cookie once - a sign for yes that you'd both agreed on. "So, are you just always here then? You don't go anywhere else?"

"Fuck, how do I explain this?" You mutter. You stare at the magnets in front of you for a long time before rearranging them. Not always. Tired sometimes, disappear.

"Disappear?" He reads. "What do you mean? You just, what, stop existing?"

Don't know, you respond. Only happens when tired. When used too much of me. He hums an acknowledgment, eyes focused on where the cookie sheet sits on the couch between you. You? What entertains you?

"Everything," he answers without hesitation. "I'm trying to work through my stack of books I want to read and finish all the shows I'm interested in, but the guys would have my head if I didn't get out and do things like a normal person."

That's where you leave to?

"Yeah." He sets his mug - now empty - on the coffee table and settles into the blankets. He looks cozy and soft and you would wrap yourself up with him if you could. "I take a lot of walks, and bike rides. I like to see the river, the trees, all the animals that live there. The beach is always fun, I get to see all the crabs and whatnot that wander in and out of the ocean."

"I wish I could go with you," you whisper.

Fun is what you spell on your sheet.

"I guess," he mutters. "It's enjoyable, at least. I'll bring you some souvenirs, or pictures next time."

You let the sheet settle on the couch as he turns the TV on, setting up a drama that he's on recently. He doesn't say anything else for a few hours, waits until the sound of rain hits the windows and stifles the apartment in an otherworldly haze.

"How long have you been dead?" His voice lingers in the air. You've been expecting these questions, and you're honestly impressed he's held them back for as long as he has. That angsty teen hadn't hesitated a single second to start asking you questions.

A while. Years. I think .

"Do you ever get tired of being a ghost?" There's something in his voice that you can't place, something that tells you this is more than just his usual morbid curiosity. Every part of your soul - whatever's left of it, anyway - is screaming at you to lie to him, to tell him that no, being a ghost is great. You've never wished he could hear you more than this moment, when all you want to is wrap your arms around him and ask him why he looks so much older than he is.

Sometimes, you tell him. It is lonely here, and boring. Fun to be unseen, but unable to do much more.

He nods like that makes all the sense in the world to him, and he brings the blanket up around his shoulders. "Do you ever miss your friends, or your family?"

Would you not? He huffs out an unamused chuckle, nodding again.

"Yeah," He says softly. "Yeah, I would. Do you want me to help you check on them? See what they're up to?" The single knock that echoes in the room is deafening to you, filled with a hope that you haven't felt in years. You've never let yourself think about them for long; if you did, you don't think you'd be able to come back from whatever that place is that you disappear to when things become Too Much.

Namjoon pulls his phone closer and starts fiddling with it. He doesn't hesitate when he types in your name, and you feel an emotional blush fill you when you see that he doesn't even have to finish typing for your profile to pop up. You glance at him, the way his brows are furrowed behind his glasses and his tongue pokes into his cheek just a little while he concentrates, and you wonder how many times he's looked at the pictures of you when you were alive. How many times has he scrolled through, reading the words people shared after you were gone, scrolling through the grief and loss to get to the words you posted yourself, the little snippets of your daily life that you would give anything to be able to relive?

"Do I still look like that?" You wonder aloud. As expected, he doesn't react, just continues tapping at his phone.

You two spend the rest of the night like that, each curled at opposite ends of the couch while Namjoon slowly looks up your friends and family and updates you on each of them. Jihyo got married, to someone she'd gone on a date with a few weeks before you passed, and she's apparently trying to start having kids; Your mother and father aren't very active, but they never were. They both share pictures of you when you were a baby each year on your birthday, and more recent photos of you on the anniversary. They have a dog now. It's cute. You wonder if it helps them cope with the loss.

Your other friends are doing well, too; most of them are still figuring out their lives, but it seems like all of them are settling in their skin and finding comfort in who they are. They're out there, navigating the world and doing things they enjoy, meeting new friends and making new memories.

You stand by the window for a long time, cookie sheet of magnetized words pressed against your chest as if you can feel the cool of the metal against your skin, and watch rain drip down the panes as you imagine what your life could have been.

You can always hear Namjoon before you see him. He whistles as he walks down the sidewalk, his small way of letting you know he's on his way back from wherever he's gone that day, and today isn't an exception. Relief sags through you and you move away from the windows, let your fingers trail against the ceramic of the newest succulent he'd bought, and head towards the kitchen. The kettle is turned on and heating a few moments later while you pull a mug down from your cabinet and set it carefully on the counter where Namjoon will see it.

It's a regular routine, for the two of you. He heads out, usually in the early morning after turning on some music or a show for you, and when he comes back, you make sure there's hot water for his tea or cocoa or whatever he feels like drinking that day. The sound of his whistling gets louder the closer he gets, a simple way to let you know he's safe and he's home. You glance through the cabinets and quickly make a note on the fridge that he needs to buy more of his special tea blend soon.

The lock turns and you smile, waiting patiently as Namjoon saunters into the apartment. He sets something down on the kitchen counter just as the kettle starts to scream, and you wait while he pours the water and gets it ready.

"The cherry blossoms bloomed," He says. You grin. "They look great. I got some really nice pictures while I was there, I'll show you tonight. I was thinking we could try to finish Voltron tonight if you want. We'll have to go back an episode though, I think I fell asleep during the last one." You knock once against the counter beside you, and he turns with a wide grin to glance at the spot where you stand.

It's ridiculous for your heart to speed up in your chest, for the hair on the back of your neck to rise, for breath to catch in your throat; you don't have a heartbeat, you don't have breath, you're a shadow of the person you used to be, and yet...

And yet, seeing his dimpled smile focused so naturally on where you are, as if it's just second-nature, is like a breath of fresh air after years underwater. It smells like flowers, like dirt and earth and a new beginning. It feels like you're alive again, and you don't want it to end, but too soon he's turning away to finish steeping the tea. Something lingers in the air for a moment after but it's gone too soon for you to place it.

You both settle on the couch, Namjoon tucking whatever he brought home with him under his arm, between his body and the arm of his ratty old couch. Your cookie sheet is in its place on the coffee table, unneeded at the moment. You can't help the glare that you give it; the things you would give to be able to just speak and be heard are endless.

It rattles a little and you look away.

Namjoon is quiet as the show plays. He doesn't react when you move to turn the oven on, but he does laugh quietly and thank you for it when he goes to put his dinner in. He eats and you don't bother him, though the way he keeps his little package hidden away makes curiosity burn through you. Eventually, once he's eaten and washed his dishes and laughed at the way you rubbed them dry before setting them carefully in their places, he settles back into his blankets and turns on the music he loves so much.

He's got a book balanced in his hands and your cookie sheet rests on the coffee table, and you both just sit like that for a long while, enjoying existing.

"You remember your life, right Casper?" You thump lazily against the wall in response, eyes drawn from where you watch the gloomy sky slowly get lighter with the dawn. He isn't looking at his book anymore; he probably hasn't been for a while, based on the way the pages have migrated around his thumb, too busy staring at the wall across from him. "Do you remember your death?"

You hesitate. You've tiptoed around the subject before. He's always been too afraid to ask directly, and it's too painful for you to offer it freely. You thump against the wall once more, and he nods like he already knew the answer.

"Are they very different?" His glasses are falling down his nose and your fingers itch to push them up. Instead, you reach for your cookie sheet. He makes a sound in the back of his throat when he sees it moving, reaching under him for his package. "I forgot, I got you this. Thought it might be easier."

He sets it down and you slide the contents out of the wrapping easily. Inside is a small dry-erase board, complete with markers and eraser, small things that should be easy for you to manipulate. You beam at him; he can't see it, but you think he might be able to feel it because he perks up and smiles a little.

"You don't have to answer," He adds. "I was just curious to know if being dead is really as different as everyone makes it out to be." You nod and thump once against the board before you uncap a marker and start writing.

It's a bizarre feeling, after so long. The muscles in your hand don't ache, no matter how much you write, and you can't feel the smooth surface of the board under your fingers or the weight of the marker in your palm, but it glides against it cleanly and leaves a thick black streak behind.

It takes you a minute to write everything out, get it worded how you want. Namjoon doesn't interrupt you, just watches the marker move against the board and smiles every time you go to erase something that isn't right. Eventually you show it to him.

There are similarities. I'm still me, I still enjoy TV and music and books. Things are duller now, like there's a filter over them, and it's harder to do things. Like when you're in water, or mud, like that. Resistance.

"Oh," Namjoon replies, "That's not what I expected. It makes sense though I guess." His hand moves against his chest, rubbing lightly as he looks over your words again. "Is there anything you actually like about being a ghost?"

"Well, being invisible is pretty cool," You say, writing the words as you do. "And it's actually really fun being able to walk through walls and stuff, even if I can't go anywhere outside of the apartment."

"I'm sorry you're stuck here," Namjoon says. You startle a little, looking up at him. You think he actually heard you for a split second, but his eyes are locked on where you're writing your words out on the dry erase board.

"Yeah, me too," You tell him. He stares at the board for a long moment, chewing nervously on his bottom lip as he does. "Ask what you want to ask, Joon," You write as you say it.

"How did you die?" He blurts. You sigh and he jumps a little, looking fully at where you sit. You're shocked; you know that sometimes little noises cross over, like when Jin heard you laughing, but it's still rare. You can't figure out how it works, but you want to.

You write for a long time, letters small so they fit on the board. The whole thing is crowded together, looks like one long string of letters instead of the story it is.

There's a lot of violence in this neighborhood. You probably know that by now. People are always getting robbed or mugged or something around here. Someone tried to break into my apartment by banging the door down. It didn't work, luckily, but I got really paranoid afterwards. One night I was cooking, and someone's door slammed really hard. I spilled the water I was boiling, slipped. Blacked out after a while, and when I came to, there were police everywhere. I guess I hit my head harder than I thought, because they carted me away, and I couldn’t follow.

"I'm sorry," Namjoon says softly. "You deserved more time."

Yeah. The universe had a different plan, I guess. He smiles at that, and it settles the anxiety thrumming under your skin. Wouldn't have met you, so I guess that's a bonus. He rolls his eyes at you but he laughs softly, so you consider it a win. You doodle on the board then, simple little designs that don't mean anything beyond being able to see your effect on the world.

Namjoon sucks in a breath beside you and you look up at him. He's always been good about looking towards where you are, doing his best to make eye contact with someone he can't see, but he still always tends to look through you.

Not this time.

This time, electricity sings through the air as your eyes meet his. You don't know how, but you know he can see you. His eyes roam over you, taking in the crumpled sweater you were wearing with the stain you like to think is pasta sauce on the arm, the hair you can't ever really tame, the way you sit cross-legged on his old thread-bare couch with a dry erase board in your hands.

Neither of you moves. He looks torn between fear and amazement, every emotion in between flitting quickly over his features, and you're terrified that if you move, whatever spell that's been cast will fade. It had been so long since you talked to anyone when Namjoon slammed those magnets on the fridge, and the conversation has been a reprieve, but to be seen for the first time in years...

It's invigorating.

Watching Namjoon just look at you is something you won't ever forget, not for as long as you exist in the world. He looks at you like he's memorizing every detail, every hair and wrinkle and pore, and just knowing that he can see you fills you with something new.

"Namjoon...?" You call hesitantly. His eyes fall on your lips.

"Again," He says. Your brows must furrow, maybe you frown, you don't know because it's been so long since you've needed to pay attention to your facial expressions, but he notices your confusion. "Will you say something again?"

Breath you don't have catches in your throat, wraps itself around a heart that doesn't beat, but you smile a little. "I'm glad I met you."

Namjoon smiles. It's big and blinding and knocks everything out of you except for that emotion that's been sitting in your chest since the first time you watched him talk to his plants. You lean forward, and you can tell the exact moment you disappear, because his smile falls and his eyes unfocus. A whimper leaves your throat, but he doesn't react, and that may be the most painful thing that's ever happened to you.

"Can I feel you?" His voice is hushed but the words reverberate in your head. His eyes dart around, looking for any glimpse of you, and your hand trembles as you reach out.

Goosebumps raise on his cheek where your hand touches him and his breath stops for a moment, but he smiles again and leans into the chill. You bring your other hand up to cup his other cheek, your dry erase board lying forgotten on the ground, and Namjoon's eyes flutter closed.

"I think I might love you," You say quietly just before you press your lips to his. He doesn't react to your words, but he lets out a soft sigh at your kiss. Thunder cracks through the apartment, a torrent of rain unleashed on the windows, but you don't move.

The two of you sit like that for hours, until he starts shivering and his nose turns red, like it does when he forgets his scarf on the cold days, and his breath puffs in the air. When you finally pull away from him, he smiles, and the blush on his cheeks has nothing to do with the cold air that makes up your form.

"Yeah," He says softly, voice nearly drowned out by the storm raging outside. "Yeah, I can feel you."

If you expected things to change much after that, you were wrong. At least a little. Namjoon still disappears to go on his walks, you still start the kettle the second his whistles drift up to the apartment. He still asks you a million questions, but they're more normal now. Your favorite music, color, what you wished you'd done with your life, if you've been able to corporealize again recently, what you wanted to watch that night.

"Come on, Casper," Namjoon groans. "I promise you can do it." You huff and he smiles, clearly having heard it. You're tempted to just disappear somewhere, rattle some pipes in the bathroom or the kitchen so he thinks you're in there and leaves you alone, but he smiles at you again and you're weak for that dimple.

You grip the watering can again, doing your best to lift it and manipulate it the way you need to. It's heavy, and something about the metal makes your skin itch, but the more you struggle the more you're able to pour the slightest bit of water where RJ - a giant plant that you don't even know the name of - sits in the corner of the room across from Namjoon's bed. It's the twentieth-something time you've tried this today, and you're ten seconds from just giving up completely, but you can tell this is important to Namjoon.

He's been talking all week, between the late nights where you lay over his blanket-wrapped form and the mornings where he ducks out with a soft goodbye. He's told you everything about his plants that you think he possibly could, teaching you about them and showing you how to care for them. It's interesting, you won't lie, and it's always fun to see him light up when you recall something he's told you, but you're exhausted and every part of you is shaky, and you're more than a little worried of what might happen if you push too far again.

Still, Joon hasn't looked great lately, like he might be getting the flu, and you want to be able to help him with all the things he does in the house. You've already started doing the dishes and folding laundry, since those were the two things he was the absolute worst at, but you feel like you should be doing more.

"Good job, baby, I'm proud of you!" You grunt and let the watering can fall back to the ground with a loud thump that almost definitely has the downstairs neighbors cursing Namjoon's name. "See, and now we're done for the day! C'mon, we can put on Sens8 and cuddle."

He's on the couch before you can stop him, wrapping himself in blankets except for one lone hand that sticks out, expectant. You roll your eyes and sit beside him, close enough that if you had a body you would be cuddling instead of just sitting awkwardly beside him.

You know that this is just going to make your hand all pink and gross, right?

He just smiles when the board flips around to reveal itself and wiggles his fingers. "It's worth it," He says. "I'd rather be pink and gross than never get to hold your hand at all."

You can't even feel my hand, Joon, there's literally no point to this. He huffs and wraps his hand around the marker in your hand, shivering at the chill that runs through him when he does. He grins and gestures down to where the tips of his fingers are already turning red.

"Clearly I can feel it, Casper."

You're glad he can't see you, that you don't have a heart that beats or blood that runs, because if you did, your face would no doubt be red. You have no doubts that Namjoon would tease you about it.

He's quiet as you both watch the show; he makes the odd comment here or there, but his mood seems to have calmed some. When he first got back from whatever place he visited that day, he'd been anxious and jumpy and entirely too on edge.

"Hey, Casper?" He asks quietly. You slide a hand against his cheek to let him know you're there, and he leans into the chill again. "What do you think about me?"

You don't move for several seconds, hand still poised around his cheek.

"Like, your feelings. What are they? Will you tell me?" You knock once on the wall behind the couch. Your hand stays poised over your board for long enough that Namjoon starts to get a little restless. Words refuse to come to you. Every time you start to think you have a way to describe to him what he means to you, they disappear as quick as fog on a summer's afternoon. Frustrated, you let the board fall to the couch and scrawl a quick 'hold on' so he knows you aren't just ignoring him.

It's been weeks since you've seen what you're looking for, your cookie sheet with the word magnets having been basically forgotten in lieu of the more personal and convenient dry-erase board, but right now you know that if words won't come to you, you'll have to go to them.

You finally find it, shoved under several encyclopedias and magazines, and the noise you make is so triumphant that even Namjoon hears it. You curl back up beside him, careful to make sure the blanket is wrapped tight around him, and make sure he can see the words as you move them. It still takes a long time, constantly changing and rearranging and stacking to make sure it conveys the things you need it to convey.

You are like music. A symphony of summer days and peach skies with soft rain. You are a storm in the moonlight. I'm not lonely when I have you pouring around me. You make me feel alive again.

Namjoon is silent for a long time, and you wonder if you've gone too far. It's more poetic than you'd like, too frilly and fancy and emotional than you usually are, but they're the only words you have.

After too long, he exhales. It's heavy and deep and it feels like he's trying to expel more than just air from his body.

"You make me feel alive, too," is all he says, whispered into the softness of his blanket in a voice too small for his long limbs. He shivers, and you hear him choke down a cough, and then he disappears into the bathroom for a long time. When he comes back out, he doesn't say anything, just slides into the mass of blankets on his bed and lays his arm out across the mattress. You spread out across from him, watching the rise and fall of his chest as he looks through you and out the window where the rain is letting up.

"Looks like the rainy season is gonna last longer than everyone thought." You slide your hands around one of his large ones and just hold them like that. His eyes sink closed and something like relief stands on his face for a moment before it's gone, swept away by the peace of sleep.

You wonder what it is that he sees when he looks out the window. If it's the plain brick wall and windows of the building next door, or something more.

You aren't sure you want to know.

Namjoon's flu only seems to get worse. He leaves early in the mornings, as if he thinks you might not notice the way he coughs into his scarf just because the sun hasn't risen fully yet. He stays gone most of the days, and even when he apologizes quietly during the twilight when he slinks back in to the sound of the kettle screeching on the stove and his tea already waiting to be steeped, he still doesn't stop.

You've taken to playing blues while he's gone, mostly the old school stuff, digging out the vintage record player he has buried in the closet and setting it up on the coffee table. It’s the only technology you can use without shorting it out. You don’t know why, but it makes you grateful the record collection Namjoon keeps tucked away inside the coffee table that you’ve learned is in fact an actual steamer trunk that he salvaged and restored himself.

The music fills the apartment, distracts you from the oppressive weight of his absence. He knows you wait at the window for him, you told him that back when the two of you were first getting to know each other.

You're so fragile, you had told him. He had laughed at you, quiet and fond, and waited for you to explain further. You're so full of life and breath and possibility, and the world is so big and so dangerous. I'm scared you won't come back.

"Of course I'm going to come back," he told you. You didn't even need to tell him that you're afraid of what being alone might do to you, now that you're so used to his presence. You're being heard again, sometimes even seen, and you don't know if you can go back to the stagnant depression of solitude. "I'll always come back to you."

That was the first time you thought you might love Namjoon. The feeling has only gotten stronger, and now that you wait at the window with your eyes focused on that tiny section of sidewalk you can see at the end of the alley, it threatens to consume you whole.

You wait at the window for hours. You know because you glance at the clock every minute and a half, mocking you with every tick as it hangs limply on the bathroom door. The sun sinks below the horizon, the moon rises to take its place, and they switch again while you wait. The dawn paints the sky in beautiful shades of pink and red and orange and the faintest purple, but you can't appreciate any of it, because you're too anxious.

He could be hurt. He could be gone, and you wouldn't ever know until his friends came to pack his things. He could have left, too; maybe he finally decided that living with a ghost was just too much for him and just ran. Maybe he figured out that you love him, that you would move heaven and earth if it meant he was safe forever if only you could leave this apartment, and it was too much for him.

What if he knows about how you lay beside him every night? How you tuck the blankets tighter around him, cover him in warmth and comfort before settling on top of them and closing your eyes and pretending that you can feel his arm draped over your waist and his breath on the back of your neck. What if he felt you, that night you wandered into the bathroom while he was showering to write on the steam-covered mirror that he needs to buy more eggs soon and got distracted by the way he looked stepping out of the shower? What if he knows your stomach flipped at the long limbs and the hidden muscles and the sheer size of him? What if he knows the real reason you were quiet that night, the way you kept replaying the moment in your mind and wishing you had a body so you could have just touched him, at least.

It's closer to noon than midnight when his whistle echoes up through the window.

"Hey, I'm home," He calls as he enters the empty apartment. You're upset, but you're more filled with relief than anything because at least he's safe and he's here now. He makes a beeline for where the kettle is just starting to whistle, already reaching for the honey and the tea you set out on the counter for him, and you do your best to calm the storm of emotions inside you.

Did you have fun, wherever you were? You ask him, floating the whiteboard in front of his face so he has to acknowledge it.

"Yeah, I did," he responds as he stirs his tea. "Jin invited everyone over for some end of summer thing. I didn't feel too great at the end of it, so I just spent the night there."

Don't party too hard, you might remember how to have fun, you joke. It falls a little flat based on the grim smile Namjoon gives you. Are they gonna come over here again anytime soon? I've missed scaring Hoseok.

He lets out a real laugh at that. "I don't know, maybe. My birthday's coming up, after Jeongguk's, so they could definitely be planning something. I'm heading over to Yoongi's later to help plan for Guk's party. I might stay there tonight, so try not to worry, Casper."

I'll try, you tell him. You both know you'll stand at the window every second he's gone, but you don't want to tell him why. You don't want to tell him that you love him through a dry erase board, or some fancy poetry magnets. It doesn't matter that you may as well have already said so by telling him that he makes you feel alive again; you haven't said the words to him, he hasn't seen 'I love you' in the messy scrawl that is your handwriting on some stupid board, and therefore he doesn't know.

You don't know if you want him to.

He stays gone that night, as he said he might, and reappears the next day to shower and change before he vanishes again. The next time he shows up, he takes a bag with him when he leaves, which only worsens your fears. He stays gone for three days this time, doesn't apologize when he turns up again and just mumbles a soft hello into the air before he makes tea and sags into his couch. He's asleep in seconds, and as much as you want to scream at him, you can't bring yourself to disrupt how peaceful he looks.

When he wakes, he takes a shower and ignores the ' can we talk ' you scrawled in the steam. He packs a bag of fresh clothes and doesn't say goodbye when he leaves, just disappears and leaves you standing at the window with the pail in your hand, caring for the plants he isn't. The slam of the door sounds like nails in a coffin and breaks what little was left of your soul.

He shows back up nearly a week later, and the relief at seeing him again is overridden by the sheer anger at being left in the first place. You don't start the kettle when you hear his whistle, the quiet and hoarse tune of a familiar song barely reaching the window, but there's plenty of noise when he enters.

The cabinet doors are quaking with your fury, the lights flicker and threaten to burst, and Namjoon just leans back against the door. He’s soaked from the storm thundering outside, even his jacket plastered to his skin, and he’s shivering slightly, but you can’t see anything past the rage.

"Where the fuck were you?" You demand; there's no point, it's not like he can hear you, but the way he sighs makes you feel like he can, so you continue anyway. "It's been almost a week, you didn't even think to stop by for ten seconds so I know you're okay? I thought you were dead somewhere, you could've been, like, shot, or something, I don't know, just bleeding out in some ditch, and I wouldn't know! And what about all the plants? I know how to take care of them, sure, but do you know how hard it is for me to do it?"

Namjoon sighs again, the breath catching in his throat and coming out in a cough, but you don't pay much attention to it.

"Why would you act like this, Namjoon? What did I do, is it because of the things I said? Do you not want me to feel like this about you? Because this a damn good way of making sure I don't, I assure you, so by all means, just keep disappearing and leave me alone with the plants you decided to rescue and save!"

His cough gets worse and he just shakes his head, covering his mouth and making his way towards the bathroom.

"If you want me to hate you, it's too fucking late, Joon!" The slam of the bathroom door punctuates your sentence, and you quiet at the sound of continued coughing. You knew his flu was getting worse, but it's never sounded like that. Even when you were alive, you knew that the wet sound that's muffled by the bathroom door isn't what a cough should sound like. The lock of the door clicks, and it shocks you into movement because he's never - never - locked you out of anywhere. He knows it wouldn't stop you, knows it as well as you know that you'd respect that boundary if he set it, and yet here he is, locking you out even as he coughs up what sounds like a lung in the other room.

You hesitate at the door, torn between respecting his boundaries and knowing what’s happening. You want him to trust you, always, and yet you find your hand disappearing through the door before you can stop it. You stand like that for a long moment, just listening to the sounds of his wracking coughs; the sound of a crash echoes through the apartment, though, and you’re through the door completely in the span of a heartbeat. 

Nearly everything that had been on the counter is scattered on the ground, Namjoon himself gripping the sides of the toilet as if he would fall apart otherwise. A single glance tells you that the crash happened as he turned from the sink to the toilet, and if his jolting shoulders didn’t tell you why, the sounds of his retching would. That isn’t what fills you with dread though; the disorientation, the vomiting, all of it comes with being sick sometimes, but the red staining the bathroom sink? 

That’s not normal, and you know with every part of you that it’s the reason he’s been gone so much. 

The temperature in the apartment drops with the sun, but your arms surround Namjoon as best they can. Goosebumps break out on his arms, shivers run down his back, but you don’t move away from him; he doesn’t say anything, just sits there with his forehead pressed against the cool of the porcelain. He stands eventually, ignores the way he passes completely through your body to rinse the sink and brush his teeth. 

You let him stay quiet until you’re both on his bed; you’re pressed up against his side and running your hands along his forearms, idly wondering if you would be able to feel his heartbeat if you were alive. 

“It’s not...it’s not gonna get better,” He says eventually. “There’s not a cure, just some things to draw it out and give me a little bit longer even if they come with more pain. I go once a week to see if it’s gotten worse, check how much longer I have. It’s why Hobi let me move in here rent-free. He pays the bills, says it’s the least he can do. I wanted to be closer to him anyway, so that’s a bonus, I guess.”

“I’m so sorry, Joon,” you whisper. Your board lies forgotten, somewhere on the couch maybe, you aren’t sure and can’t be bothered to pull yourself away from him long enough to find it. You don’t need it right now, though; he knows what you mean by the way the cold presses against his bicep with your palm. 

“I didn’t want you to know.” You’re not exactly surprised at that; you’d figured as much. You just don’t understand his reasoning. “I didn’t want you worrying about me, or anything like that, like the guys do. They always look at me and it’s all they can see. Like they’re already mourning me, even though I’m still here. I didn’t want to feel like that with you.” 

“I know,” you say. You don’t, not really. Your own death was sudden, a shock to everyone you knew; you didn’t get the luxury of saying goodbye, didn’t have the burden of knowing you would be gone soon. 

The two of you sit in silence for a while, until you can feel Namjoon’s chest quivering under your palm. When you look up, he looks at you, really and truly at you , and he has tears in his eyes. 

“I don’t want to die, Casper,” He whispers. You suck in a breath because he can see you, and you don’t even know why, but you don’t want to lose this moment. “I don’t want to leave all of this behind. I don’t want to leave you.” 

“It’ll be okay,” you say softly. His brow furrows and a tear slides down his cheek. “I promise you it will be okay, Namjoon. It gets easier, and people remember but they aren’t stuck forever. And I…” You falter, and it takes his eyes meeting yours to make you realize he can hear you. And there’s only one thing you’ve ever needed him to hear. 

“I love you,” You tell him. “I love you, and I will never forget you.” 

He surges forward, lips meeting yours in a rush of air. You moan at the feeling of him against you, realizing that for the first time since you died, you can feel something under your fingers. His skin is warm against your fingers, his lips soft against your own, and when he reaches up to cup your jaw with his hand, he doesn’t pass through your form. Instead his hand settles heavy against you, and he moves your head to lick into your mouth. 

Tears that won’t fall prickle at the back of your eyes and you climb into his lap before he can stop you. He’s still crying so you wipe away the tears before they can fall, pressing soft kisses to his cheeks, his dimples, his nose, every bit you can reach. A question sits at the back of your mind, and you can see it lingering in his eyes, but neither of you asks it.

“You’re so cold.” His whisper is nearly lost amidst the thunder that shakes the apartment, but it makes you smile a little. 

“Warm me up?” 

His chest is still quivering with unspoken sobs, but he nods. “Always,” he tells you. “I’m always going to be here.” It doesn’t take long to pry him out of his clothes, takes even less time for him to sink into you. It feels just like it did when you were alive, only magnified; you can feel him hot and warm inside you, can feel the beat of his heart in the firm muscle under your hands. His moans are quiet and hoarse but you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

He keeps one hand on your waist and the other on your neck, holding you close enough that he can kiss whenever he wants. “You’re beautiful,” He whispers. “The most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” You just press another kiss to his chapped lips and let him dig his fingers in hard enough that it would bruise if it could. When he’s close to his peak, he stops thrusting, just sits inside you as he grinds your hips down to his, and presses his forehead against yours. 

“I love you,” He tells you, lightning casting his shadow across the wall for a brief moment. “I love you, I do, I wish-”

“I know,” you tell him before he can continue. “I know, Namjoon, I know, and I do, too. I love you, too.” He comes a few seconds later, the warm seed soaking into his sheets because it has nowhere to go. His warmth disappears from under your hands and his arms fall to his lap when the only thing holding them up is gone. All you can hear is your quiet sobs mixed with his and the rain against the window, and for the first time since you came back, you really, truly, wish you had died. There’s no point in being a ghost when you can still feel your heart breaking in your chest. 

“Casper, are you ever scared?” 

It’s the middle of the afternoon. Namjoon is sprawled across the couch wrapped in blankets while Lucifer plays in the background and you doodle aimlessly on your board. You don’t need it as often now; you’ve gotten better at focusing your energy into being heard, though being corporeal still eludes you. You don’t know how you did it that night, but you’re grateful for it. 

“Of what?” You ask, looking towards him. He’s not looking at you or watching the show, just staring at the ceiling. He focuses at your words, lifts himself up into a sitting position. A shiver runs through him when his legs move through you, and you settle a weightless hand against his knee out of habit. 

“I don’t know,” He replies. “Just...whatever comes next. If there’s something that comes next. Being forgotten. Being stuck here forever.” 

You aren’t stupid; you know why he’s asking. The question lingers in the air, colors all of your conversations now, but the truth is that neither of you has the strength to ask it and neither of you knows the answer. 

“Sometimes,” You tell him. “Sometimes I wonder what Jihyo is doing, if she ever had a baby like she wanted to. I wonder if my parents are still alive, and what they say if they visit my grave, what they tell me now that I can’t respond to them.” 

Namjoon nods like he’s already thought of that, and he probably has. 

“Most of the time I try not to focus on it, though. It’s not helpful, it only upsets me, and I don’t…” You trail off, unsure of how to word your thoughts. “I don’t know what might happen if I only focus on the negative. I don’t know anything about what’s true about ghosts and what isn’t beyond that I exist now, and I can’t risk becoming something bad. So I try not to focus on it. It’s easier when you’re here.”

He grins and blows a kiss in your general direction, and you pretend not to notice the blood on his cracked lips. He’s quiet for the rest of the episode of half of another. 

“Have you ever seen a light?” 

“What?” He doesn’t seem to hear you, and you repeat your question on your board for him. 

“A light,” He echoes. “Like, the light.Y’know, the light at the end of the tunnel, ‘don’t go into the light,’ that thing.” 

You hesitate at that. You knew what he meant, what he actually wants to know here. He’s easier to read now than he was in the beginning. 

You watch him as he watches the space where you sit, curled up beside him on his couch. He can’t see you, of course, but he can see where the board rests in your hands. His gaze is heavier than it was when he first moved in; his cheeks are hollower, skin more gaunt with a grey tint that’s only made worse by the constant rain. The sun is just starting to break through the clouds, a brief reprieve after weeks of the dreary stone-colored clouds. It casts shadows along the walls, reflects off something in the window across the alley, and backlights Namjoon beautifully, casts a halo of light around the brittle brown hair you love. 

Once, you tell him. Just once.

“Why didn’t you go to it?” 

There are so many things you could tell him, so many different ways to answer such a simple question, but you find yourself lingering on the one thing you know is the ultimate truth. 

Because I love you.

September comes with even more rain and a bittersweet atmosphere. Jeongguk spends his birthday at Namjoon’s apartment and then comes back a little over a week later, surrounded by the other guys and carrying enough food to last a few months. You stay curled on the bed, one of the only safe places for you to not mess with anyone or anything. Your board is tucked into the blankets, ready to be used but hidden from view just in case. You watch as Namjoon sits on the couch, tucked between Taehyung and Yoongi with both of them leaning into him as much as possible, Yoongi’s hands wrapped in one of his and Tae’s head on his shoulder. 

The other’s aren’t far, leaning against the back of the couch and on beanbags they’d brought with them, all laughing as Hoseok does his best to act out whatever he’d been given in charades. He’s not bad at it - you’ve guessed the last few he’s done - but he is utterly ridiculous in his mannerisms. You know why; it’s the same reason everyone kept smiling when Namjoon refused all of the food he was offered, why Seokjin would crack a terrible joke whenever it got too quiet for too long, why everyone is resolutely ignoring the growing pile of tissues on the table. 

It keeps a smile on Namjoon’s face, though, and a laugh in his eyes, and you can’t ever be anything but grateful for that. 

Hoseok stumbles, nearly falling and whirling his arms to catch himself before eventually falling anyway. You laugh along with the others, grinning at the way Hobi pouts and rubs at his hip. You’re focused on the way Joon laughs, the way it lights up his face and brightens the entire room, which is why you see it first. 

The tickle at the back of his throat quickly becomes a cough, wet and wheezing and enough to make him throw the blankets from his lap and stumble to the bathroom. 

You’re there before he is, helping him slide the door closed and locking it behind him as he bends over the toilet again. The six of them are quiet in the main room, speaking in hushed whispers that neither you nor Namjoon wants to hear. You turn the knob on the sink, wetting a towel while you drown out the sound of voices, and letting a hand run over Namjoon’s back. 

“I’m okay,” he mutters. You ignore the way his voice shakes, the way his lips are redder than before, the way this happens more often than before. Instead, you just press the damp rag to his neck and watch his eyes close in relief. When he stands and flushes the evidence away, you already have his toothbrush ready and waiting, and you stay as close to him as you can until he takes a deep breath. 

“I’m okay,” He repeats. “I’m okay. It’s my birthday, and I’m okay.” 

He goes back out with a smile on his face and a laugh in his voice, teasing Hoseok about the way he fell and reenacting it, even. When he settles on the couch, he urges the others to continue the game. There’s a brief moment of hesitation before Jimin declares that he’s next and pulls something from the bowl on the table. 

You know you aren’t the only one that notices the way Namjoon’s eyes linger on the six men around him, but you are the only one that notices the way they also linger on his steamer trunk, the shelf with his books, the TV, the record player, the scrapbook of his life that they all worked on and Taehyung pieced together over the months, the plants on the wall that he had cared for. He looks around his apartment as if he’s looking at it for the last time. 

As if he’s already planning who’s going to get what. 

He finally asks the question you both have been thinking about, nearly two months later. His breathing comes in ragged pants, his lips stay chapped, and he keeps several blankets around him at all times to try to hide the shaking of his body. Your soft sobs echo through the apartment constantly; while you reheat the tea he doesn’t drink for the millionth time, while you quietly water and prune the plants he’s saved from death the way you wish you could save him, while you sit curled around him as he sleeps, soothing his coughs with quiet whispers. 

Night has just begun to fall, the rain of the day turning into a soft drizzle, and you stare at him blankly, unsure how to process what you’ve just heard. 

“Do you think I’ll come back?” He asks again, slightly louder. As if you hadn’t heard his shaky voice the first time. It’s not the question that floors you. You’ve been expecting this for weeks, months even. You’ve wondered it yourself as you prepare tea and ignore the sounds of him vomiting blood in the bathroom, as he disappears to the hospital and returns with a worse prognosis than before, as you’ve adjusted to the idea that you are dead and he is dying and you cannot do anything to help him. 

You never would have expected the hope that his words carry though. 

“Why does it sound like you want to?” You ask. Your voice is clear in the air and you’re glad for it, because this isn’t something you want to talk about through your board. 

“Because I do?” His response is delayed and sounds more like a question than a real answer. 

“Why?!” You demand. 

“Are you serious, Casper?” His brow is furrowed as he sits up and lets the blankets fall away to sit haphazardly off the couch. 

“Are you? Joon, why would you want to come back?”

“You’re seriously asking me that question? Why would I not? I’ve got so much I still want to do, I never thought I’d get the chance to after I got the diagnosis and now I might be able to. Why wouldn’t I want that?”

“Because it doesn’t work like that! You don’t get to just wander the world and fuck around, Joon, you’re dead.”

“Yeah, but you can still read and write and everything. I’d have all the time in the world to read the books I want to read, watch the shows I want to watch, write the music and stories and lyrics that I want to write.”

“Yeah, so long as it all stays in this apartment!” The light in the room flickers slightly with the force of your irritation. “You can’t do anything that isn’t in this room, Namjoon, you can’t use any of the electronics, you can’t read a book unless it’s here, you can’t write music unless it’s on actual paper, you can’t do anything.” 

“Yeah, and I could make that work. Why are you so upset about this? I thought you’d be happy.”

“Happy? You think I’d be happy that you’d be stuck in these four walls forever, too? Why would that make me happy?” Namjoon stands, running a hand through his hair and shaking his head. 

“Because I’d be with you! We’d be together, forever! Do you not want to be with me?”

“Of course I want to be with you, Joon, but not at the cost of you being stuck here. I don’t want that for anyone, certainly not the man I love.”

“And what if that’s what I want? What if I want to spend the rest of time with you? I’m already spending the rest of my life with you, I’m in love with you, I don’t want to leave you.”

“And I don’t want you to go, but Joon, why would I want you stuck here, too? This isn’t something fun. This isn’t anything that I enjoy.”

“Oh, so you regret it all then?”

“I didn’t say that, I just don’t want you to be stuck in a shitty studio apartment for who knows how long when you can’t fucking do half of the things you love! You wouldn’t go on walks, Namjoon, you wouldn’t go with Guk and Jimin to the movies, you wouldn’t get visits from Hobi, you wouldn’t get to shop with Taehyung or Jin, you wouldn’t get to drag Yoongi away from his thesis or celebrate with them when he finishes it! It’s not like being alive, Namjoon, you’d be dead and alone and in hell!”

“Whatever,” He mutters, shoving his arms into his coat. “Why can’t you understand for one fucking second that it wouldn’t be like that with you? I’d rather be stuck here forever than have to die in some shitty apartment and not even be able to touch the person I love.”

“Why can’t you understand that it’s still death? You’d be dead, Joon, your friends would go to your funeral and disappear from your life, and you’d be stuck staring out that window at that shitty alley for the rest of time. You don’t get it, you don’t how terrible it is to be stuck here and watch life pass you by.”

“Then why the fuck are you still here?” He asks. The door slams behind him before you can answer him, and your scream shakes everything in the room. You just barely catch one of the plants in the kitchen, a brown-potted one with ‘Shooky’ scrawled in Yoongi’s familiar handwriting, before it crashes to the ground. You return it to its place gently and huff another frustrated groan. 

You wish you could explain it better, but you know he wouldn’t get it even if you could. He doesn’t understand what it’s like to be trapped between four walls and unable to do anything without massive amounts of effort. And he won’t, not unless he experiences it himself. 

You’ve already watched him wither away. You’ve watched him become thin and sallow and a shadow of the Namjoon who first moved in, and you don’t know what you would do if he came back. You wouldn’t be alone anymore, of course, and you’d have him here with you, but at what cost? Namjoon was built for cherry blossoms and sunshine and the riverside. He would hate being trapped here even more than you do.

Still, you could have been more understanding of his view. You can admit that even being stuck in a shitty apartment wasn’t so terrible when you had Namjoon there to make you laugh or watch TV or read to you. It may even get better if he turned into a ghost; maybe you could hold his hands in yours, could feel him wrap his arms around you, could press kisses to his skin again. 

You move to the window and stand there waiting. It’s not good for him to be out, even if the rain had stopped a few days ago and the forecasters promised it was the end of the downpours. He was still weak, you’d be surprised he even went anywhere to begin with but you know he likes to walk to calm himself down. 

You worry for what feels like hours. You can’t focus on anything, not the way the sun starts to set, not the sound of cars passing or the neighbor leaving. You’ve worked yourself into knots by the time you hear his whistle echo up through the streets, nearly lost in the sound of some argument in the alley below you. You catch a brief view of his coat and smile when you see that he’s got some half-dead plant tucked under an arm. There’s the briefest glimpse of what looks like a Ca scrawled onto it, and your heart jumps in your throat.

You make your way to the stove, turning the heat up slightly too high so that it’ll be ready when he comes in. The arguing outside gets louder but you pay it no mind, pulling the honey out and setting it next to his favorite mug. You’re reaching for the tea when you hear something else. It definitely sounds like Namjoon’s voice, but it’s not in the hall or at the door like usual. It’s raised, like he’s yelling at someone, like it was just a while ago when he was fighting with you. A crash startles you and before you can even reach the window to see what’s going on, there’s a deafening bang. 

You slam your fist against the window, watch the red mix with dirt, and the kettle isn't that only thing that screams. 

“I think that’s the last of it,” Jeongguk says. His voice is scratchy and quiet, but it’s deafening in the silence of the apartment. 

“Yeah,” Hoseok replies. His eyes are rimmed with red and his hands shake as he slides the last mug into a box. “Thanks for the help, Guk. I don’t, um.” He sniffles. “I don’t think I could’ve done it myself, y’know?” 

“I know,” Jeongguk agrees. They’re quiet again, adjusting the things they’ve boxed and avoiding finishing what they’re doing. 

“Oh, can you get that?” You don’t have to look to know what Hoseok is talking about. Jeongguk grunts an affirmation and makes his way over. It’s a strange feeling, having someone pass through you again for the first time since. His hands fly into the air as he tries to lift, clearly not having expected it to weigh anything. 

His reflection in the window frowns, and he tries again, tugging on the pot. 

“I can’t get it,” He says. “Do you think he glued these things down or something?” 

“No,” Hoseok replies as he wanders over as well. “He used to pick them up to re-pot them, remember? And the others came up with no problem.” 

“Well it’s stuck or something, you try.”

Hobi takes Jeongguk’s place and pulls hard at the plot, but your grip doesn’t waver. He huffs and disappears. When he returns, he’s got a butter knife in one hand that he does his best to slip under the pot. He tries hard to pry it up, so hard that you almost want to give in. You don’t though. 

The knife clatters to the floor with as much force as Hoseok can put behind it, a curse following quickly behind it. 

“Fuck it,” Hoseok says. His voice is shaky and you know he’s near tears again. “Just fuck it.” 

“But that was-”

“You can try if you want, Guk, but I just-” He chokes back a sob, shaking his head and moving to pick up the boxes he’d set down. “I just can’t, okay?” He disappears out the door in a hurry, and you wish you could follow after him. 

Jeongguk looks down at the small plant, with its painted periwinkle pot and soft leaves. He runs a quivering finger over the leaf and sniffles. He doesn’t try to lift it again, just stands and lets his tear soak into the soil.

“I wish you could come back to us,” He whispers. “We thought...we expected more time. It’s not...it’s not really fair, y’know? So if you can hear me, if you can come back to us, please do. Please.” 

He turns and leaves, the apartment door slamming behind him like the lid of a casket. Your grip on Mang loosens now that you know no one’s going to try to take it. You’d watched them pack everything else up; you’d let them take the steamer trunk full of records, the shelf full of books and movies, the collection of mugs, the soft blankets, the ratty couch, the rest of the plants he’d cared for so tenderly. 

Piece by piece they had packed Namjoon up and walked him out of the apartment, but this was the one piece they couldn’t have. This was his favorite and none of them knew how to care for it like you did, and you had to. You owed it to him. He deserved to come back to at least one familiar thing, never mind that you woke up not even a day later and it’s now been weeks. If there was one thing you wanted him to see when he got back, it was his favorite of his plants. 

The sun glares into your eyes from where it shines down on the city. It reflects off something in the window from across the alley, would be blinding if you actually had eyes. You pay it no mind, focused instead on the remains of the broken brown pot down in the alley, the way you’ve pieced them together in your head a thousand times just to trace the word Casper with your eyes. You can almost hear his voice saying it, even now.

You whip around, eyes darting through the empty space of the apartment as your hands tighten around Mang.

All that rests there is empty space, mocking in its loneliness. You remember when he moved in, remember how it felt to test the boundaries of the apartment and wish you were free. The want is still there, to leave and never think of it again, never think of him. You know better, though. You could never escape the memory of him, the way he laughed and smiled and spoke. You could never abandon Mang. Not when he said he’d always come back to you. 

You turn back to the window, cursing the sunlight with every other breath. It fades, slowly, into the black of night, before returning again, and again, and again. Days pass, each one feeling like years. Hoseok doesn’t appear to show the apartment, no one comes to collect the small periwinkle pot between your palms, and the ghost of his laugh echoes around you. 

The sun blinds you again. You don’t even know how long it’s been, just that you’ve yet to move. Light glints off whatever hangs in the window across the alley. That's when you see it, a vague reflection in the weathered glass of a dimple and a grin, and warmth surrounds you.

“I told you I’d always come back, Casper.”

[smarti-at-smogwarts]

🧩 for Jacob or Theo, whoever more you feel like doing :)

ooookay so for Jacob:

He’s actually based on a character from when i was younger so I didn’t give him a lot of me but we do have things in common.

We’re both the eldest of 3. We both dote on our youngest sibling but had a more “fight over the remote” childhood relationship with our middle sibling.

“You had a stay at home dad/were raised by  a dad? Woow that must have been soooo odd..you know fathers cant pooooossssibly be as good as -”shut  up just dont’..talk. Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t even talk to yourself” ( I gave all the Venturi kiddos my annoyance for this...it is a great annoyance lmao. I was one salty babie in the 90s) 

Hella protective of family. 

The risk-taking part of cptsd is direct from me to him. So we have that in common.

Both would be the ones to fuck around and find out. ( it’s legit how he wound up involved with the vaults lmao) specially at 16-17 omg. Both got cocky/thought we knew it all and were likely to wind up in trouble for it.

That being said we diverge in a lot of ways i have  no idea what flirting even is, he’s more snarky than me, he gest along with his parents a lot better than I do, I’m more emotional, he’s a  much better schemer, to name a few 

Theo:

ummmm look I dind’t MEAN to lol  but um T

I also was kinda uneasy whenever groups were divided between boys/girls in rooms or dormitories, outings ( ie boys night/girls night )  or w/e ( still am tbh)  and actually did give her that trait on purpose. Both end up going to both/hanging out with guys and girls equally. 

Both of us steal our brothers’ clothes. ( found brothers in her case but all the same) and dressed more masc ( though for me this changed as i got more in my 20s and for Theo it did not.)

Mommy Issues 

Like Theo babe im so sorry idk how you wound up with that my b lmao.

Neither of us really...trust parents?? Because like both of us have alot of friends with not nice parents.( Theo makes a quip about it the more mcs she befriends lmao.) Though I have gotten better with this. Theo...it takes a while.

On the heels of that my reaction to finding out some of my friends had like...nice mothers...is beat by beat what Theo thought about her friends Teddy’s ( @cursebreakerfarrier ) mom  like equals part disbelief/thinking they’re like a unicorn,  and  “can she be my mom” lol.

Mommy Issues.

Both like plaid.

Both dealt with toxic/abusive parents and also had friends with  worse  parents. Did not even plan that one lmao like it just happened wow  which made us go “oh guess mine aren’t...that bad?” but also eventually went “nope f that yes it was.”

Both would gleefuly throw a bludger to anyone that hurt our friends ( though all my mcs are protective af because...yeah)

We both hoard notebooks.

Both prefer prose to poetry

I stg I didn’t Mean for her to have this much in common w me lol

Both “act first think of consequences later” i was a Gryffindor in my teens and up until my early 20s and Then became a Hufflepuff okay don’t look at me. Though I grew out of mine for the most part . Whereas Theo...it...takes her a lot longer. 

Both arospec but want to live with family. Also both did not figure  it out for a while ( i don’t think Theo ever gets the words for it past “this is what i want my life to look like. I’m happy without romance in my life.”)

Both have friends we consider family.

Theo might be the mc i have more in common with to date and she started off based on different characters whoopsie daisy.

That being said we also have our differences. Main one being of course I have siblings and Theo’s an only child and Theo did not have a dad growing up whereas I did. Also Theo’s temper is a lot more choleric than mine and I’m a lot softer and a lot less confrontational. I’m also more on the quiet side usually.

Also she can actually get writing done past plot ideas lmao.

Send me a 🧩 and an OC and I’ll tell you about a piece of me (looks, personality, Trauma, etc.) that I gave that OC

[harps-for-days]

Hello. I am here to return the favor. For my harassment I will ask for 1, 5, 18, 25 from the WIP asks.

Omg omg ok wow I appreciate the harassment thanks.

SO my WIP is called The Fall and basically it follows the fall of a empire (and almost an entire continent but whatever) and the events that lead up to the fall. Let's be real here - This story is being written by Me so of course it will contain the following: Magic, Murder, Gay(s).

1. What made you write your WIP?

I've always loved writing! I got this particular idea for a story a long time ago and I just kept coming back to it. I also hadn't done a serious writing project in quite some time, so this idea was perfect. At first, it was a very small (but still sad) yet still serious project, but now, three years later, it has turned into a very VERY long story with about 50 different characters, three books and a prequel, and a WHOLE LOT of world building.

5. Where did you draw inspiration from?

Songs. Of Monsters and Men's album My Head is an Animal, to be precise 😅 Also, some historical people and events im still salty about 😂

18. Give a brief character of your main characters.

OOF OK I have a lot. So here are my main bois for book 1...

Namur

Sad boi main character. But not just Sad Boi. He’s what link would be if link had like HELLA power and crippling depression. He may or may not be dying, but he also may or may not have a possible solution to the whole dying thing.

Leon

Namur’s shit brother. (They’re both little shits though and we focus on their story a lot) Family drama? You better believe it. Falls in love with a prince. Marries said prince. Fuck yea buddy.

Florence-Arabela

Namur’s kick-ass best friend and (somewhat more importantly) the ruler of the neighboring kingdom. They fought together in the Great War. She also has hella power (but not HELLA, just hella ), which is somewhat rare (the extent of her power, that is)for someone of her race. May or may not be my favorite character.

Leopold

The Worst. Why? We’ll get to why (lol read and find out). He likes murder, colonialism, and long walks on the beach :). VERY power and money hungry - he’ll do anything… anything to get what he wants. Peaked in high school. 

They are my MAIN main bois. I have so many more characters it's not even funny anymore. Lol with these descriptions, good luck figuring out what this godforsaken story is about lmao

25. What authors and books have inspired you to write your work?

I don't really know tbh. This is very much my own thing, and my own creative restlessness is mostly to blame for this 😂 I think, though, Tolkien has inspired parts of this project. But for the most part, this story wasn't inspired by any particular book or author!

I tried my best. Thank you and I love my story and characters. Good night.

[ryncorrect]

university!au: day6 sungjin

i’ve abandoned this au for so long istg my life is a mess yall please forgive but anyway im back with my bullshit and ready to spread my cringe-worthy stuff to the world again

name: park sungjin

major: practical music and arts

other activities: leader, guitarist, and vocalist of university band, president of music club, member of cooking club

park sungjin is the embodiment of leadership

i mean he’s the band leader, the club president, also the president of his class since year one, like he’s so trustworthy and responsible, literally nothing can go wrong under his sight

and even when things do go wrong (life is a bitch) he’ll still make sure everyone is fine and having the time of their lives pun intended

anyone who meets sungjin for the first time will probs say he has this tough man aura, cold,,, tsundere-ish idk

but as someone who have known each other for so long, you never understand when anyone says sungjin looks cold

you know damn well the moment sungjin opens his mouth he gonna throw dad jokes with his satoori dialect

dad jokes are fucking funny fight me

you once said sungjin should start his own comedy club

......he’s currently considering it

oh right he also talks about food all. the. time.

he joined cooking club for a reason okay

no, he can’t and doesn’t really cook he’s only there to taste food and people let him there because he’s nice and he knows how to appreciate the cooks

uh we love a man with manners

so, who is sungjin for you exactly?

he lives next door, one year older than you, was a leader even when you were little ayeee childhood friend cliche

can you imagine little sungjin leading his friends in game its so pure brb crying

you told him everything you couldn’t tell ur parents because they were busy, you asked for his advises, he made sure you were safe and happy

you still depend on him even after you two have grown up

you enrolled to the same university, took the same major with him, and even joined the clubs he’s a member of

this isn’t because you’re indecisive, it’s just that you spent so much of your childhood with sungjin that you two became similar to each other, up to your hobbies and interests and even palate lmao

that’s why he loves to eat with you because you two never argue about the menu

the only club you can’t join is the band, and that’s because jae rejected your application

reason: extremely close personal relationship with sungjin, therefore sungjin will take your side if we ever had an argument

you denied that; no, sungjin wont take anyone’s side based on feelings bc he’s a logical person and he always listens carefully to every side of the parties before he makes a decision..... but jae wont listen

brat

"you only rejected me because im a better guitarist”

“lalalalala cant hear you over my authority as the important band member”

“fuck you”

“i don’t accept offers”

anywayssss you did fail to join the band, but you’re friends with them, theyre literally so used to your company that sometimes they forgot youre not actually in the band

you and the guys teamed up for sungjin’s surprise birthday party

the surprise failed because dowoon accidentally added sungjin to the group chat

sungjin being nice and playing along anyway because he didnt want to disappoint you

and then its sungjin’s turn to ask the guys for help for your birthday party

failed again because dowoon AGAIN accidentally invited you, in person, to your own birthday party

dowoon what the heck?????

yeah its all cute and sweet but thats all of your relationship with sungjin, you treat him like a dependable brother and he treats you like his own little sister

thats what you tell to your friends too when they ask if you two are dating

they’re glad thats the case

because they have a crush on sungjin LMAOOOOO PLOT TWIST

they’re hoping they can get to sungjin through you yanno like asking you to send him snacks and letters or to tell him they say hi

you dont mind i mean you know sungjin is one admirable person ofc everyone likes him

sungjin never rejects nor accepts it hes just like “yay snacks!”

“god damn it sungjin just date any of them im tired of being a matchmaker”

“then dont?? literally no one asked you to”

little did you know that sungjin had the same problem

some of his classmates are interested in you but whenever they come to him he just says, “dont ask me i dont know anything and if i do i wont tell you”

this one sandeul guy has started asking you out and stuff

“ehhh youre so nice i’ll think about it!!”

you, immediately texting sungjin: ur friend sandeul ask me out what should i do

sungjin: do you like him tho

you: not really idk him yet

sungjin: just tell him your mom said no

you: damn nice

but this guy is so persistent and you gotta admit hes kinda cute and after a few tries you finally said yes to him

so you two went together and it was pretty fun

sungjin isnt too happy when he hears about it from sandeul

he asked you, “why didnt you tell me first?”

“well i dont think its a big deal. it was just a date anyway”

but you always told him everything

sungjin never speaks about it again

you go on another date with sandeul the week after

you tell sungjin later and he doesnt ask how it went

hes just “oh”

idk he’s kinda distant now, he rarely talks nor replies to your texts

he doesn't visit music club nor cooking club either so you don't see him often

have i told you im uncreative and all my aus are lame???

you think its probably because hes focusing for the finals, but even after it’s over sungjin doesnt really hang out with you or the band anymore like he only comes for practices and leaves right after

weirdly no one says anything about sungjin’s absence

but you cant stay quiet any longer and decide to ask dowoon whats wrong with sungjin

you shouldve known dowoon cant help much

“honestly i dont know either, maybe you should ask wonpil he’s sungjin’s roommate”

“but what if wonpil told sungjin”

“told sungjin what?”

“that i asked about him”

“asked him what?”

“...nevermind”

you asked younghyun

younghyun doesnt help either

“i dont know, just ask him yourself. i thought you were the closest to him??” why you so salty man

okay fine lets ask jae

“i’ll tell you for fifty bucks”

“dude im broke”

“then deal with it yourself”

you had no choice but to ask wonpil

“he’s just tired”

you know wonpil lied but this little shit refuses to tell anything

“please dont force me to answer i will cry really loudly and it’ll be embarrassing for the both of us”

why do you befriend them in the first place smh

oh youre right about wonpil telling sungjin that youre worried, and he does tell him to talk to you if he got something in mind

sungjins hesitant but in the end he only says, “no... its just that i didnt realize until recently that my little sister has grown up a lot”

“dear god wtf you sound like her grandma”

skip the boring part so uh a few more days passed awkwardly between you two and after your failed attempt at asking around you decide to confront sungjin in person

youre in the band practice room, the others are present, sungjin’s about to leave early as usual, and you find yourself jumping up your seat, “whats your problem with me?”

you know sungjin hates confrontation but you cant stand it anymore. you tried giving him time but if theres anything you seem to be more of a stranger to him

“i dont know what i did wrong and i wont know if you dont tell me, so let me know. i’ll listen and i’ll apologize if its my fault, but dont give me silent treatment like this. its so unlikely of you"

you can see sungjin clences his jaw as he replies calmly, "people change"

"you don't change, youre being childish. if you're mad you should talk about it. if you don't want me here you should tell me to go. if you don't like ME dating your friend you should tell me not to!!!"

drama much ryn

"youre your own person and you make your own choice, its your life and i cant keep telling you what to do or what not," and the end part kinda slips, "i don't hate you dating my friend or anyone, okay? im just not used yet to be a second person for you and im afraid youll get hurt"

"youre never?? a second person sungjin where does this idea even come from youre the only one for me i dont want anyone else???"

and suddenly there's a train of awkward coughs and you come back to your senses and you realize you're being watched

jae pretends to make a phone call, "mom pick me up im scared"

lame jae lame

dowoon mumbles, "can we,,, make an exit first before you two declare your undying love bc its privacy yanno"

you feel the heat spreading across your face as you open your mouth the same time as sungjin, both want to deny dowoon, but younghyun beats yall to it, "yeah you two are in love with each other we been know"

you and sungjin stares at each other, confused, "we don't???"

"oh honey,,, my dear,,, ive read enough sappy shit in writing club to see where this is going"

the conversation was cut there and neither of you bring it up again,

because the idea of you loving sungjin or sungjin loving you is so weird that you refuse to think about it, and so is for sungjin

but ever since that, sungjin has drastically come back to normal its almost hilarious, he spends a lot of time hanging out in the music club, practicing with the band, visiting the cooking club, making a joke here and there

sungjin is himself again with you, a caring dependable brother whom you come to whenever you need to talk or just hang out with and he always makes sure he has time for you

sap

you know hes always been like that but why does it feel different now??? the way he smiles or pulls your hand so youre walking on the inner side of the road,,, how he neatly places your spoon and chopsticks on a napkin when you two go out to eat together,,,, why

tender love baby chICKEN TENDER

mydayexol follow me

andddd so one day, someone asked you out. again.

wow ur so popular i cant Relate

you, texting sungjin: sandeuls friend jinyoung something invited me to a party next saturday should i come

sungjin, replying to you: hmm

you: ???

sungjin: i think its up to you

for some reason youre disappointed by his reply,,, but he’s right tho its your call if you wanna go then you go its not about what sungjin says

right?

right???

but suddenly you got another text: but if you ask for my opinion i would say don't go

you: actually i dont want to either lol so what should i say

sungjin: tell him you already have a date

you: nice

sungjin: with me

you: ayyeee

you: wait what

sungjin: i mean its just a suggestion

sungjin: which you can accept

sungin: or reject

for some reason you can imagine sungjin’s cheeky smile through his texts and it makes your inside tingles and you wanna giggle

so yea you thought it was a joke but he actually did take you out for a movie and dinner

it was really nice

so yanno the weird thing is that neither of you ask the other to be “official” but you just. are dating.

ur friends are mad like “bUT YOU SAID YOU TWO WERENT A THING”

“lol sry i changed my mind”

“fuck you”

“no thanks sungjin can do that... bUT DONT TELL SUNGJIN I SAID THAT hes gonna kill me”

“is he ur mom”

“basically yeah”

this sucks real bad but who cares

not me obviously

ill be back soon (or not) with dowoon’s one lets hope i can do better than this dnsjfsndfj lnjajnfdjs lmAO I LOVE YALL AND HAPPY NEW YEAR IN ADVANCE

[spadesinglasses]

Love Victor (series)

oooh new format for this post let’s get into itttt.

Below are my reaction per episode. I will be writing them as i finish each so its more clear and fresh and all that jazz.

Let’s see if tumblr posts has a word count limit.

lol wrong title earlier X_X

Note, the #glassthoughts tags is a reaction tag. Its never a review, or an intellectual essay about stuff I watch. I dont have the capacity to do all those.

Spoilers below so beware. Episode 1 is posted separately because I intend to make posts for the first and last epsiode only but that did not work out lol.

EPISODE 2

it took me a looong time to finish this episode. I kept on pausing it because something just feels so wrong about it. I didn’t know what it was when i was going through it, but when it finally ended it finally clicked.

The episode reminds me of the sentiment most homophobes use against gay people. “If you focus on the emotional part of the relationship, you will be happy with the opposite sex.” Growing up ive heard this phrase used against other people so much. Hearing it in my native language has always been a punch in the gut. 

And now this show who is supposed to be something happy and nice, is just having this kind of phrase of mentality just well up there.

I’m sure that its not Victor’s and that he is just exploring his sexuality. But the usual tinge of homophobia whenever he talks that he might be like Simon is honestly grating.

It’s definitely a me issue because other people seem to be enjoying the series immensely, but whenever Victor gets into that headspace, I just hear my child self crying myself to sleep because of internal homophobia.

Also i can see why people say  that for a show that is supposed be about Victor’s sexuality and growth, it does sure show a heck lot of heterosexuality of those who are around him.

Maybe in the future i will rewatch the series again with a more patient mind, but for now, expect me to skip a lot of scenes X_X

End

Episode 3

Okay the audacity of Victor saying “he tries” to be a good friend. Like dang okay chill with the lies. You’re already lying about your sexuality lmao.

Sorry im being very critical and bitter about this show, but i must persevere for the fanfics and fanarts i will gorge myself into later.

anywho reaction time!

Mia and Victor would’ve been cute if only Victor doesn’t sound like he keeps on enforcing this compulsory heterosexuality he has in mind.  BUT hey he might be Bi people! 

I keep censoring myself because of how bitter and hateful i sound. My apologies for the phrases i forgot to delete above and beyond this line xD.

Anyways im over anything about Andrew. He can go fuck his egotistical self. If the series will show 

Hmm i wonder if the term “Comp Het” will even drop in this series.

Back to reaction,

Honestly Felix is just a lesbian in a man’s body at this point. Making his own shampoo? Like wow give me some of that kind of friend. 

The number of times I rolled my eyes at Andrew is ridiculous. 

Whilst typing this part it was more enforced in my mind that Love Victor is just a “supposedly gayer” Teen Wolf without the wolfing parts.

Lake is Lydia Felix is Stiles Andrew is a walmart Jackson Benji is basically a less grumpy Derek or Danny tbh Victor is Scott

I really hate this idea now.

The parents drama! Honestly, very unnecessary in my opinion. Victor is already dealing with a religious family, now he has to deal with a religious and broken family? Like dang they could’ve just chosen one struggle for him, now everyone will think his sexuality is a consequence for his parents’ sin or sth.

Maybe it’ll play into a bigger plot twist in the future?

Maybe Victor’s mom is cheating with Mia’s father? Seeing as how there was an unnecessary shot of her father with the back of a woman facing on the camera which is weird but okay. 

Im theorizing now X_X

Anyways have y’all seen how poor Felix was so nervous because his goddamn friend isn’t there to supposedly help him?

Sorry im hating on Victor too much but this scene reminds me of how awful Simon’s friends are and like bruuuh is Felix supposed to be the lead character?

He really is like Stiles who is supposed to be the lead for Teen Wolf in my opinion, he’s just a much better written character that Sc/tt

lmao sorry my issues with other series is bleeding into this one X_X

End

Episode 4

Not much to say without getting too salty so moving onnn.

End

Episode 5

This series is just showing all the fear and pain i went through and am going through back when I was a teenager and til now. Without getting into any personal stuff, that last bs Victor’s father spewed just hit me so much.

I guess one of the reasons why its hard for me to watch Love Victor is because it shows me the teenager side of me way back when. Minus the girlfriend one because i never really persevered that much to tamper any likes for men. Internal homophobia really hit me back then tho xD

End

Episode 6

This episode is a mess and I hate it.

We saw yet again Victor literally using Felix’s ignorance and naivety to get himself out of a situation he put himself into. 

AND Felix even got the wrong idea or got fed with the wrong idea that the reason why Victor brought him along is to act as a buffer because he wasn’t ready to give up being a virgin or have sex in general. Yep that is definitely the reason, no other reason at all that involves making latte art with a known barista.

Lake and Felix kissed so there was that. I still am shipping Victor and Felix together despite Victor’s continuous bs with him being a good friend, but that’s just me.

And totally knew Andrew and Mia got a thing. If this blew up and hurt Lake im suing.

Lake and Felix are literally the two people keeping this show intact. Not gonna drop some political statement here no sir.

Again Benji needs to grow a personality out of this whole barista thing. One thing i am grateful for this show is that there was no family drama at all!

I think.

End

Episode 7

UGHHH MISS ME WITH THAT NORMAL TALK.

Ive been making a conscious effort to stop saying that heterosexuality is normal. That shit is hard to unlearn because its what ive always heard in my asian household for yeaaaaaaars. And now this twink is just gonna throw the term around like he has no issues with it. TO SIMON EVEN.

Like brooooooh. Im over my 2010 internal homophobia, no need to dig it all up again. Every episode.

Aww the dancing in different clothes is cute but,

FUCKING VICTOR LIED JUST FOR WHAT?

Homeboy be doing the most to keep his fucking sexuality from bursting out, with his foot both planted firmly inside the closer AND THEN THE NEXT SECOND would end up as if he is ready to risk it all just to see Benji naked.

I AM FUCKING livid, confused, and just intense emotion everywhere.

Ive seen a couple of dumbo scenes from other shows that got the “closeted” man be doing literally the most obvious shit that could make anyone catch them, BUT THIS, with how VEHEMENT Victor is against being “NOT NORMAL” AND THEN LIE JUST TO STAY IN A MOTEL WITH THE GLORIFIED HOT GUY, takes the goddamn cake.

The fucking hypocrisy man. Ive battled internal homophobia before, AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WE ALL DEAL WITH IT DIFFERENTLY but holy fucksticks. I’m not this evil.

The thing is, there is so much a person could do that you could go “ah its because they are in the closet and is afraid to come out” before it goes to the territory of “fucking hell, this is not just about his sexuality, this is just him now doing stuff consciously to take advantage of his supposed fear”. The girlfriend thing is even waaay over the top, but we all went with it because he’s supposed to be figuring things out. BUT most of the time, he literally could not even imagine going beyond the line HE CREATED for their relationship. AND YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT HE WILL LIE JUST TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH A GUY? Now he wants to test the male side of his sexuality? BECAUSE PORN DOESN’T EXIST?  BECAUSE LOOKING AT MALE UNDERWEAR MODELS IN THE UNDERWEAR SECTION IS NOT ENOUGH? HE NEEDS IT TO BE ACTUALLY PHYSICAL TO CONFIRM SOMETHING?

Im ahead too much, real time the scene im in the episode is still them about to leave the shop but holy fucking hell. If this lie ended up becoming something more in this same episode, expect more capslock because jfc.

And people will still claim he’s somewhat attracted to the other gender. 

AND SOMETHING DID HAPPENED. ANDREW AND MIA KISSED

FUCKIN VICTOR

Also i was very very worried that Pilar and Felix will be a thing BUT THANK GOD THAT DIDN’T BECOME A THING. Still unsure whether i like Lake and Felix together, but i love them individually.

I cant really comment on any of the parents drama because to be honest i skip them whenever its just her and him.

These two fuckers lie to one another. BECAUSE OF WHAT? THEY WANT TO FUCKIN STICK THEIR TONGUES INTO ONE ANOTHERS MOUTH? IS THIS REALLY WHERE THIS SHOW IS GOING? AND THEY ALMOST CENSORED IT BECAUSE ITS GAY? NOT THE OTHER HORRIBLE STUFF THAT IS HAPPENING?

Im tired.

But i hafta finish the show for fanarts and fanfics.

okay Benji has a legitimate reason for lying. I’ll take that.

See people you see me live writing this whole rant thing :D.

BOY TOOK MONTHS KISSING MIA FOR MIA TO ONLY SAY THEIR TONGUES GRAZE SOMETIMES.

bUT THE SAME GUY JUST WENT LAPLAPAN TO THE MAX WITH BENJI THE ONE NIGHT THEY SPENT TOGETHER?

REALLY PEOPLE? REALLY?

Huh I wonder back when I was his age, would I also just kiss the first gay guy i became comfortable with? Despite being so into the closet and battling internal homophobia via punching the walls?

Dang that monologue tho. We as non het doesn’t want our lives to be hard. But at this point, i stopped blaiming my own sexuality and just started blaming heterosexuals for making the world this fucking horrible for us. That’s when my internal homophobia SLOWLY lessen. It’s still there but hey at least every crosshair  is not on me.

Okay i get people saying that Simon is irresponsible for making Victor like put his family on the back burner for a bit etc etc. Also the reaction against Benji getting mad when Victor wanted them to stop being gay while in their house, is reasonable. Victor did calmly told Benji and his beau that his family is stretched thin etc etc. I get that. I get that sometimes hiding your sexuality for other people is what is necessary.

BUT  fucking please recognize how damaging that is to the person you are talking to. Even if you think Victor is in the 100% right about this, AT THE VERY LEAST acknowledge why Benji is mad. Sure he could’ve just left with his boyfriend instead of just staying there. And sure Victor pulled through in the end and put that dusty grandpa motherfucker to his place, but that’ll fucking sting okay.

Also i might be saying all this in a place where I’m not really that close to ANY of my relatives, so ya know, call me ignorant or ungrateful whatever.

END

Episode 8

Okay uhh Mia and Andrew is still a thing APPARENTLY.

AWW BRAM IS CUTE

Lol Simon’s “Yay boobs” like please Victor keep the heterosexual drama out of this chatroom lmao.

Also Felix group texting the others is hilarioussss.

If Victor touches or says one bad thing at Bram? its on sight.

Also Im not sure what to feel with Mia getting jealous at Andrew. Like girl you were the one who said he’s nothing, and now this? Issa bad look honey.

Victor is embarassing. Are all extroverts just this i dunno peppy? 

You know what makes me happy in this episode? Keiynan’s attitude bleeding out to Bram’s character. I love it!

Goddd Keiynan is so hot XD

hahahaha this episode is lighter thank god.

“why would they want to help a complete stranger” because they are good people and surprisingly they still exist! 

Ohhh So it seems like Nick Robinson filmed his scenes for this episode on a different day. Ive never seen him be with the main group. That’s weird.

END

Episode 9

Benji distancing himself because he wants to make his 1 year relationship work? Good guy! Him not saying to his boyfriend about the coworker of his kissing him? Bad move.

Sure we can all talk about how little stuff doesn’t need to be told to your lover if you’re sure its not gonna happen again. The thing is,  communication is key. Y’all will talk about communication being integral in a relationship but keep shit like this in the DL because yOU’RE JUST THAT SURE IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN? Fo real?

Also Benji is feeling guilty for a reason.

Vincent is very in the wrong for kissing a taken man just because said taken man is comfortable with him or showed vulnerability. Victor is in the wrong 100% and I’ll never forget that.

Felix and that hug with Victor is adorableeee. Love that coming out scene. Again raising my eyebrows at those who say Victor is Bi.

Felix showing what’s in his apartment is fucking great. No wonder we don’t see his mom or anything. They say that the saddest people are always the one who will do their best to keep everyone happy. Felix is being peppy, have these random phrases he use to just amuse people makes sense.

In this household, we protect Felix no matter what. HOPEFULLY next season we get to fucking know his surname or sth.

Again nothing new with the drama surrounding the parents. I hate them and honestly i am so annoyed by the father’s face and everything. (still have that hatred from One day at  time but we don’t talk about that here)

The letter is stupid and i wonder what Pilar will do about it. Are we gonna get a To All the boys i loved before thing?

OH Felix giving Lake an ultimatum. Wow what a move honestly. On one hand Felix has the right to protect himself. He wants to be free with who he loves, and keeping it a secret stopped being amusing because he knew what it feels like to hide a part of yourself.

Lake’s confidence has been obviously shot and damaged by her mother. Not saying that justifies what she is doing  BUT it came from somewhere. A night with Felix talking to her about his life IS NOT going to just uproot all those thoughts from her mind. As much as i love Felix, he is not a solution.

hmm what else. The father can go die for all i care. Lmao.

END

Episode 10

OH I THOUGHT PILAR KNOWS NOW BUT NOOOO

OH NOOO O NO NO NOOO

AND ANDREW STIRRING SHIT UP NOOOOOO

PILAR STOOOOP

NOO NOT PUBLICLY

OMFG

 I CANNOT.

Also i cannot get over Andrew’s actor looking like Stromae. They have the same eyes, eyebrows and expressions X_X

THIS IS WHY WE DONT KEEP SHIT BEFORE A PUBLIC EVENT. IT ALWAYS EXPLODES ON A PUBLIC EVENT.

YOU BET YOUR ass i skipped the whole confrontation scene. I’ll go back to it maybe or just look at gifs but nope. My cancer rising and moon can’t handle that shit.

Is ... is Mia going to see Victor and Benji together and then theorize? Because god freaking damnit im tired of that plot twist.

Oh Benji. Honey honey honey please don’t do whatever I think you’re about to do.

FUCKING NEW IT. CALLED IT. CALLED ITITTTT MIA FUCKIGN SAW I HATE VERYTHING.

....

wait the way the ending was shot is weird. The cliffhanger is weird. Everything is weird.

ILL MAKE A HUNCH that it was actually just Victor in his dream land thinking that coming out is that easy and that you just blurt it out.

Bet you the next season will start with no body but Felix and Mia and Andrew know about his sexuality.

The shot was too much on Victor. There was no sound cue from the family etc etc.  I hate the ending so much. Love Victor could’ve been so much more. Could’ve pioneered a fresh way to show lgbt stories and how coming out is this and that. Even if the show is for Gen Z and this generation, coming out should reflect to how coming out is generally perceived nowadays. But i guess that was too much. Foolish me for having my expectations waay too high.

The End

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 15

IN THIS EPISODE OF MURPHY LOSES THEIR SHIT ON MAIN:

“Tell her I said: fuck you, you miserable, conniving bitch. I don’t answer her summons. I don’t obey her orders. I’m through. I’m through with her, with all of you—”

THERE’S LORE, BUT IMPORTANTLY MURPHY REMEMBERS WHY THEY THINK CINDER’S HOT. LITERALLY.

already??? already??? yes, already. this chapter is called ‘nothing personal’ anmd i think that this is a lie. this is abt to get very personal very quickly.

It had taken two more days for Glynda’s soul to become bearable enough for Cinder to sit next to her on a bus.

out of the funniest lines they could have used to open the chapter up, this is just Peak. there’s so many moving parts to this. glynda’s rank soul. cinder having to be nice for TWO DAYS to make her chill out. the fact they’re taking the most menial form of transport of all time. oh my god they were sat beside each other. this is already so funny.

Gravity Dust glittered like volcanic glass.

👈😎👈 we sure love volcanoes around here huh

The clearing Cinder found was some twenty minutes from where she left Glynda with instructions for something salty for her.

im almost POSITIVE im not supposed to find these lines funny but cinder you are RADIATING salt you are COMPOSED ENTIRELY of salt please. you’ve asked for smthng salty and glynda’s gonna come back announcing she’s foiled all yr plans on accident again.

Mercury had stopped sending messages a month and a half ago. Emerald’s last one was a week old.

im almost definitely mentioned it in a prior liveblog but its worth remembering: cinder’s relationship w/ merc and em rly was the deciding factor in me suddenly loving her as a character and i just. every interaction they have hurts so good. cinders got TWO kids and even if her face says otherwise she loves them very much and that heals me on the inside

“There’s no way anyone knows about this island. We’re the only ones out here. Merc and I have to get his shitty frozen pizzas airshipped in.”

“Still. Be careful.” She paused for a moment. “...Is that all he’s eating?”

“You know he’d die before he ate a vegetable.”

“He will, at this rate.”

I LOVE U MOMMA CINDER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA this is SO good. this section HEALS ME!!!!!!!! which is good because i have a feeling the rest of this will gore me alive

"I promise. At the end of all of this, I'm coming back and I'm not leaving again. Trust me."

aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA god u cant tell thru text alone but this section is K I L L I N G me and H E A L I N G me and also KIL L I

“It doesn’t have anything to do with trust,” Cinder said, miserably. “I need you to be safe.”

N G M E

The line between us and them had felt so concrete.

god i just. theres so much i still cant say that isnt 👈👈👈😨👈👈👈 but cinder and hati and all this other STUFF happening in the bg is so good and i just love how nuanced this dumbass is. cinder fall, the woman who never wins, and her brief moments of comfort. she is my ANGEEEEEEEEEEL

Now the only thing left was to deliver her to Atlas; if she had to speak with her more to do that, she would.

Not that she wanted to have to admit that to Hati.

cinder:there’s a lot of we and our going on and i’m a little nervous that the more we talk the more thats gonna happen and i gotta say; not a fan.

and [Glynda]’s desperate for—”

A heritage? A purpose? Belonging?

“She’s desperate,” Cinder finished, softly. Then: “She’s coming willingly.”

this might be another 👈😎👈 situation or im just drawing parallels like a three year old with a newfound ruler but HRM. CINDER. HRM.

Rather, her stomach twisted at the implications. Everything was ready. The machine worked. All that was left was to deliver the final piece.

“Okay. Good.” It was good. It was the culmination of years of work.

whats good and fun is watching cinder wrestle w/ her own humanity and its rly good because even as she tries her very best to use ppl to her own ends that pesky lil soft bitch inside makes her second guess everything and its GREAT fun. u can rly see that as soon as she spends longer than an allotted 10 minutes w/ somebody she starts being like ‘hrm. oh no’. oh cinder. u soft bitch. ilu.

The spot beneath his wing, though… Cinder folded into it as though it were meant for her, as though they were meant for each other, bodies fitted so easily. Here, safe, she closed her eyes and dreamed bleakly of the days to come.

i swear to god i cannot wait until [redacted] and [redacted] and [REDACTED] happens cause then i can lose my shit abt this ALL OVER AGAIN but for now. for now. immerse myself in cinder cuddles. im holding back but on the inside im feral

but Cinder was all calm, sliding through the trees like she belonged here. Like it was her domain by birthright.

FERAL.... FERAL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because they were not friends, Glynda asked, “Where are we going?”

i love that glynda has to preface it like a reminder. because they were not friends. because she cannot trust winter. because she blocked oz’s number lmao. it’s great seeing how much more... clinical, i guess, glynda’s thoughts are, and it’s a great way to show the narratives differences? its GOOD is what im trying 2 say on main,

Instead, she complained, “It’s so difficult to be so wanted.”

firstly: i love cinder “i have a complaint” fall is secondly: i am going to read into this. i am going to read into this and divine a second meaning. i am reading into it.

Cinder emerged from the dark like a leviathan sloughing off a sunless sea. It rippled around her shoulders, swallowed the back of her skull, but the only sharpness to her was her smile. It was the first time Cinder had smiled since returning from her meeting with the Manticore.

oho. ohoohohohoooohohohooOUGHHOHOHO she hot. nasty mean lady big hott.

“You don’t scare me,” Glynda insisted.

“Silly you,” said Cinder. “Come on. I’ll lead.”

hohogughgohohoghgh f flirtign.......................,,,,,,,,,.,.,.,.,.,.,.

a faint light was stirring to life before her—suffusing out along Cinder’s chest and throat, spilling from her heart and out through her skin. In the beginning, it was so faint it seemed to be an illusion; but no, soon enough it was undeniable, and Glynda could even make out the rough shapes of the wall and floor.

YEEEEEEEEES i love. glowy lantern cinder. like theres a lot of fun little canons abt cinder in this fic i adore but the fact that she glows is like fuckin TOP. look at her. lil candle baby. shes like a microwave bean toy. i adore her.

She walked like a queen through her domain, seemingly irrespective of where on Remnant they were; even here, underground, in forgotten left-behind places, Cinder reigned.

god im sorry im too busy being gay to even be paying attention to anything rn i LOVE cinder to DEATH,,,,,,,,,, she knows shes the thing 2 be feared around here and its so good. i cant wait for her to open her big mouth and fuck it up again!!!

“High Leader Khan requires your presence in Mistral, Ms. Fall. She advises that you attend promptly, in order to discuss the missing members of our organization.”

A hum. Cinder said, “I don’t want to.”

GHSDFGSDFGHKJDF cinder you are. smthng else. shes just so LIKE THAT. what a great chapter for cinder this has been im SIPPIN baby

okay im doing a lot of leaping haead here and its not for lack of having anything 2 say in fact its QUITE the opposite because this whole bit is. wow. we got lore??? lore??? abt so many things??? what does any of it mean????? I AM NOT SURE BUT IM LOVIN IT (tm)

“It’s not a Semblance, idiot.” The control in Cinder’s voice was all staccato, pitching cold to inferno in an instant. “It was a gift.

okay bear with me for this JUICY LORE but i am Deeply fascinated by this section. im not gonna. say anything because idk how this is tying up yet (bear with) but HOO. HOOOOOOO. im trying to like keep grabbing sections but this whole part is SO GOOD i am loving-- like-- id have to-- TRUST ME THE OG WASNT AS SPICY AS THIS OKAY

THIS IS SO MUCH SPICER AND ITS GOOD

Cinder glowed like the magma heart of a volcano.

ITS SPICY ITS GOOD ITS 👈😍👈

im gonna have to reread this bit to get the full effect because the downside of a liveblog like this is having to stop-start but OUGHGHGHGUGHUGH THE LORE,,, THE MASKS,,, THE FANG??? also sienna dont listen 2 her baby i love u too

Cinder looked like a line to be crossed, and even though they weren’t friends—rather the opposite—Glynda found she didn’t want to cross her. Not now, when the emotion was still raw on her face.

oughgh... the vulnerability. cinder... snoft... but also angery 😔

this was SUCH a good chapter im DYING i love cinder in offal hunt to BITS and this arc is already feeding me so much good shit. fuck yea. FUCK YEA. HELL YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--

[strawberryybird]

So whats your favorite thing about each of your fe3h favs? Anything you could just go on a long rant about for any of them? or interactions between them that you wish had happened or wanted to happen.

Waking up in the morning and going through all of the drunk blogging and “-thank-u-for-weathering-my-deep-need-to-be-liked-and-given-attention-off-main-I-guess” if this isn’t a whole mood on its own I don’t know what is. Anyways it sounds like you had fun and it was definetly fun reading everything. I hope you are feeling okay the day after everything. And to tack on a random question which fe3h character would you want to get drunk with if it was just the two of you?

Hi Hello!! thank u for enjoying my drunk blogging !!! and for the asks!!! (and the lovely comments on my fics actually hi there ur wonderful!!!) i’m currently cursing the damage i’ve done to my sleep schedule and suffering under my (truly deserved) hangover lmao ;p apologies u don’t get drunk me, only uncaffeinated hangover me, but we talk to the same degree and make the same spelling errors lol

ah yes.. im a fountain of moods (all of u still with me here are saints hhhh)

ok content time:

the second one first: i absolutely want to get drunk with ferdinand von aegir. the man’s a hop, skip and a vodka shot away from a mess. i love him. he’d be full of conversation and would buy the rounds every time as a true nobleman should !! he’d probably be really good at instigating drinking games but horrible at playing them.. i love party gay ferdie von aegir.

i’m going to LIMIT the faves i list because truly i love them all very much but i have to at least pretend i have some restraint and i don’t want to make this even More of a wall of text it’s going to become . SO 

edit: ok i started writing this at like. half ten pm. when the fuck did it become monday. 

edit edit: Disclaimer time: these are my conclusions and my conclusions alone. I’m not saying I’m objectively right or correct. I’m very much approaching this from an English Lit-ish point of view because that’s just how I look at a lot of media. I’m not asserting my opinions or conclusions as the only viable to interpret this media, and if anything I say offends you then I am sorry, it was not my intention but I acknowledge that I have hurt you. This is not the exhaustive list of my thoughts on the whole thing, there’s a lot more depth and detail I didn’t go in to.

My favourite thing about Edelgard is the Everything, but notably I really love her proud nature and how in VW it quite directly gets her *spoilered*, and in CF it’s integral to her success (bc it’s her own rigidity within herself that keeps her standing i think) and I Like Tragic Characters (and it’s very elinor dashwood). because it’s one of the qualities that can throw her character into a villainous light & it’s really interesting !! but at the same time.. it’s not quite ‘pride’ purely, and it’s kinda the wrong word. it’s some mixture of determined/stubbon, anger, self-reliance, and that really hard veneer of personality u develop when you’re around people who aren’t healthy for you to be around, and the very very critical need to be right about the choices you made because the weight of the  consequences would kinda ruin you if you weren’t. (the dean winchester effect huh) and wrap that up together with a big scoop of ‘i believe my way is right’ (’and my way Has to be right’) and then u get a lot of what i LOVE about Edelgard’s character

My favourite thing about Dorothea is really how she was the character that Hated the war. genuinely the contrast between white clouds dorothea & timeskip dorothea Breaks My Heart EVery Time I See Her !!!!! that and Spoilers!!! (her last words in AM unrecruited is edelgards name and i literally had to stop and cry about it for five minutes.) she’s one of the characters that post-war doesn’t have a Massive political stake in the war - like there’s her anger towards the current class system (another reason i bloody love her PLEASE give me angry feminine characters) but i think it’s her bonds with edie (or byleth&whoever if recruited) that keep her actually fighting in the war & it’s kinda different and i like that (actually i think she parallels/sends up/contrasts really really nicely with mercedes in that way)

my favourite thing about Marianne is just everything. how she finds worth within herself if you play VW (and the very very harrowing hc that she didn’t if you don’t), how she’s full of a quiet rage for the crest system but you eek it out of her as you play the game. how she’s still loved by the deers despite her appalling mental health (fight me on that canon) and the game essentially has her ‘save’ herself by finding worth and life within herself. i love her so much ok. (i also love her because she committed identity theft.. she and i share a name with the second dashwood sister oho (but i don’t use that name on the internet hhh) (also because my favourite shakespeare play is king lear (no really it is), my birthday is in red wolf moon too, i used to have very long hair i wore in a plait most days for school, little 11 and 17 year old me acted Exactly like white clouds marianne did & genuinely i love marianne von edmund to pieces but God it hurts to see her in game sometimes bc her journey mirrors a lot of mine & i love this character. so much.) WOW that was a lot. am i sure im not still drunk

so claude is not only one of my favourite characters in the whole damn game, but also shares the name of one of my favourite painters so i simply have to love him ;p however i can’t give a proper opinion on him yet because i haven’t finished playing deers yet :( but !! i love how (as is with all the lords) he has a veneer of personality to him, but in contrast to Edie where it’s quite seemless with her actual personality, Claude’s veneer of personality seems very opaque and plastered on. i may or may not just be wildly imagining things but he’s a very different personality in his lower supports with Lysithea than he is in his B support with Marianne, for instance. like, i love characters that are obviously a lot more socially intelligent than i could ever be, and claude is *chef kiss* BEAUTIFUL ON EVERY LEVEL.

i’d wax lyrical about Ingrid too but honestly there’s many better people out there with the good ingrid content than i could do. shortly, i love the New Take on the pegasus knight archetype she brings, and i really like her perspective on femininity !!! she’s such a good character & she brings so much to the game and to the pegasus knight character too!!!!! she’s such a bright personality and altho i wish so many of her supports weren’t centred around make-up (hhh dorogrid fans i pray for you), i think she’s really going to pave the way for whoever’s next in that character slot. (like, you can’t tell me she’s not an offshoot of Phila from awakening lmao)

no ok i’m adding in Hubert because i love this vampire man. i really really love the devoted servant archetype and we all know i love edelgard’s tragedy. and i love hubert. so much. the way he enables edelgard in pretty much everything is just so so interesting to think about, and i love his intensity about it. he’s like the ever present reminder that edelgard’s will kinda has to work otherwise the potential consequences of her being wrong are personified in hubert imo. it’s only touched on in VW in his letter but like. god i wish we got more but it’s a wonderful starting block. i love his comic relief as well, he’s such a fun character to have !!!! and also i have so many hubert fics in my bookmarks that just Get him. i love hubert. oh i love hubert.

i’m going to cut myself off there because . that’s just a LOT. 

as for characters i would sell a limb to have them talk to each other, honestly it’s Edelgard/Marianne. (and only 51% because of all the projection i have going on with those two ok don’t at me i  k n o w). that support chain would be too powerful and honestly i wish they had one becuauese it would have gone so Hard about what Edelgard was doing and what Marianne thought about it, and how they connected over it & they probably would have had their supports set over cups of tea or smth .. it would have been amazing. 

(but i’d rather have nothing than an awakening-level-content support where they talk about eating fucking bear meat instead of talking about how they grew to trust each other with and their ability to save the fate of the world HUH AWAKENING. (i’m salty about fredrobin forever)

also hilda/dorothea supports . we were robbed. they’re best friends and you can’t actually tell me otherwise. they run the disaster bi chat of garreg mach. honestly i just would Love a support chain for them that starts with them talking about self care routines and something really small like accessories or perfume and it goes into how self-esteem and how dorothea has to find the same worth in herself as hilda so easily can. (hilda’s the queen of self esteem she’s a babe) and in CF they could have dialogue and then we cry about it. and in SS they talk about how they both chose their place with Byleth and not at edie/claude’s side like i’m just free balling here it could be Anything and i’d love it. 

also big shocker .. dorothea/marianne supports . they both hate themselves in their profile CAN THEY PLEASE CHAT. 

also i accidentally fell in love with the claude/edelgard ship and i desperately need them to interact on the same level that edie and dimitri get to because.. aren’t there supposed to be three main characters huh intsys .. and like i get what the game goes for with two of the lords embroiled in a personal war against each other at the heart and the third actually finding something close to the truth because he’s not involved in age old grudge matches but at the same time That’s one of the things that really really falls flat for me in the game. dimitri’s villain is edie, edie’s villain is big dragon wife, claude’s villain is the lack of communication that everyone in fodlan suffers from apparently. lack of communication and lies. ymmv with what im saying rn but i would have preferred if all three lords had strong personal ties to each other and in Each Route it was brought up. or just snip dimitri’s dialogue out of CF because i have beef with how that WHOLE moment went down on so many accounts hhhh honestly it makes me angerey to think about lol

.. back on topic- can the lords pls talk to each other because it would be SO interesting in white clouds and i like seeing how their personality presentations clash

also . can i marry manuela yet. my crops are dying here.

.. im so sorry about this but it’s midnight and i’m too tired to edit so. have this. thank you so much for the questions!!!! very kind (and brave) of you to ask me!!!!! i had a lot of fun writing all of this & as always if anything you didn’t quite /get/ i’m happy to re-explain myself!! :)

[michael-hearteyes-wheeler]

”I’m drunk and I hate everything but you. I love you a lot.” + lumax. cause, not to be dramatic or anything, but I’m DYING for lumax content rn

[A/N] This was such an adorable prompt! Im sorry it took me forever to finish it. I was struggling with one of the scenes, so I just included a real life situation and it helped a lot (the one with the jocks and beer pong lmao). I really hope you enjoy!! 💖💖💖

“Why would anyone need a house that big?” Max scoffed, looking up at the almost mansion sized home. The party had barely started, but already the lawn was crawling with people.

Max really didn’t believe Stacey Altman when she said she was inviting the entire senior class, but now that she was actually here, she would call that number an understatement. She supposed the large turnout was probably thanks to their team winning this years homecoming. A loss probably wouldn’t have resulted in the debauchery she was sure was taking place inside.

“Yeah, isn’t Stacy an only child too?” Will sneered. The Party, like everyone else, had each been handed one of the obnoxious green and gold invitations. Their school colors, a vaguely terrifying picture of their mascot, and bulky block letters that looked more like a ransom note than anything else.

At first, they all agreed not to go. Parties were lame, and none of them really even cared about Football. Then, Max had gotten bored, and El was easy enough to talk into going. One convincing led to another and now everyone was standing on the Altman’s lawn and looking at the house apprehensively.

“Are we going to go inside? Or just keep standing here?” Lucas finally asked. Max, determined to have a good time, took that as the motivation she needed. She grabbed his hand and pulled him into the house.

The scene before them was pretty much exactly what they expected. Loud music blared out of speakers from somewhere in the living room, and dozens of people danced around the space. The kitchen counters were covered in drinks and bowls of chips that no one was actually going to eat. Beer pong was set up in the dining room, and a group of football players were doing keg stands in the backyard.

It wasn’t like this was the first party they had ever gone too, it was just the biggest.

Max felt a little overwhelmed. She pulled Lucas and El into the kitchen, and poured each of them a drink from the horribly sweet, red concoction in the punch bowl. All three made dramatic grimacing faces as they took their first sip. The drink was bitter, and stung like rubbing alcohol, but the aftertaste was worse; Cough syrup and cheap wine.

“Are you losers drinking tonight?” Max asked the other boys, holding out another solo cup. Will and Dustin happily obliged, but Mike mumbled something about being the ‘designated driver’ and Max rolled her eyes. It’s not like they did not live close enough to walk or anything.

The party awkwardly hovered around the kitchen for awhile after that. They watched the party happen around them, making fun of people for one thing or another. After a few minutes Max could feel whatever it was she was drinking start to polish the edges of her perception. Jokes were funnier, sensations further away, she felt warm. It was a good feeling, and fast acting too. She filled up her cup for the third time.

Like all parties, however, the group you go with dissolved pretty quickly once people get acclimated.

Will was the first to get pulled away. A boy he knew from his art class waved him over and the two disappeared upstairs. Max and Mike gave each other raised eyebrow looks because Will was definitely blushing. Unbeknownst to Will, they had a running bet about how long it would take for them to start dating.

Next to go was Dustin. Throughout high school he had become quite the ladies man, and he was determined to chat up Haley Jones, his current crush. Actually, crush was an understatement, his new obsession was more accurate. Not in a creepy way really, more in just a painfully devoted loyal sort of way. It was sweet, and definitely really fun to make fun of him for.

Then it was Mike and El. A song came on that she actually liked, and she pulled him towards the large group of people dancing. Mike wasn’t really a dancer, and honestly neither was El, but they could certainly make the best out of it. Max watched them get swallowed up by the crowd until not even Wheeler’s mop of hair could be seen.

So it was just Lucas and Max, both whispering to each other about people from school acting like fools, and laughing so hard they had to hold onto the counter for balance.

“Do you want to dance or something?” She asked, finished off her third drink.

“Naw, but beer pong might be fun. I gotta use the bathroom and then i’ll be back.” He winked and pinched her waist as he left. She made heart eyes at his back while he walked away. She poured herself another drink.

Then things got… fuzzy.

Another massive group of people showed up, people Max had never even seen before, and the crowded house got that much more crowded. It was so goddamn loud. The group made a beeline for the booze and Max stepped out of the kitchen and out of their way. Now she was just hovering by herself at the edge of the living room. Where was Lucas? Oh right the bathroom! Jeez, he’s been gone for a long time.

A loud crash and the sound of people cheering caught her attention. Drink in hand, she shuffled her way towards the sound and into the dining room.

The dining room smelled overwhelmingly of beer and that same fruity cocktail mix that was currently making her brain fuzz. Max watched for a moment, a group of boys playing beer pong. Sticking their grubby hands in and out of the cups of booze, plinking the ball back and forth across the table. It was disgusting. Hadn’t Lucas said something about playing this? Maybe she should just wait here for him.

A big sweaty looking football player, sporting his Letterman like a coat of arms, stuck a hand in one of the cups to retrieve the ball. Max grimaced.

“You should really be using water.” She scoffed as another cup fell over, washing sudsy beer out onto the floor. They guys all turned to her and laughed.

“Water doesn’t get the job done.” The sweaty football player knocked his knuckles against his head.

“Yeah, plus, the alcohol like, kills all the germs.” Another jughead added from where he was leaning against the wall.

“That’s so ridiculously untrue.” Max chuckled.

“Yeah well, it’s more of a boys game anyway. Wouldn’t want you to get your pretty little hands dirty.” The sweaty guy replied nonchalantly, and lined up his shot.

“Oh, you’re so on.” Max would never admit to it if pressed, but she was so competitive that it almost wore her out. That fact was doubly true if the person egging her on was getting personal about it, and the fact that she was a girl? Yeah, that was pretty damn personal. She chugged the rest of her cup and moved to one end of the table, across from sweaty.

He raised his eyebrows but nodded, and put all of his cups back in line. “You need me to run through the rules, princess?”

“Throw the ball into a cup, if it gets in the other person takes a drink. It’s not rocket science.” She brushed her hair out of her face. As much as she wanted to kick this guys ass, she was also way to out of it to be truly pissed.

For most of the game, it was pretty much a stalemate. He got a cup, she got a cup. He drinks, she drinks. The beer is warm and salty and she tries not to think about how many hands had been in that cup. They had been right about one thing though, water certainly wouldn’t have got her feeling this way.

Then, one well placed toss. That’s all it took. A cup of jungle juice spilled over, cascading red liquid all across her white shirt. She looked down at herself in horror.

“You son of a bitch! You did that on purpose.” Max had no way of knowing that but it wasn’t a hard guess.

“Not me babe, it’s all part of the game.” Sweaty snorted, high-fiving one of his friends.

She would see about that. Anger sobered her. It took less than five minutes for her to get him the rest of the way out. Plink, plink, plink, plink. The rest of the room cheered for her, and egged him on. Chanting for him to chug when he finally lost.

“Wow Mayfield, im impressed. You didn’t come here with that loser boyfriend of yours did you?” Sweaty asked, lowering his gaze at her from across the table.

Suddenly she felt sick. Like really sick. And drunk, really drunk. She looked down at her shirt and back up at him and all of the other boys who were staring at her. She needed a bathroom.

“Fuck off, meathead. I don’t date dogs.” Max was seething now, she turned and walked out of the dining room. It took her awhile to find a bathroom, and every step felt more and more heavy. More and more fuzzy.

When she finally did, she sighed in relief and closed the door behind her. She did not want to throw up. She sat on the edge of the bathtub and tried to just breathe deeply, in and out, find a little bit of clarity. The party sounded really far away. Where the hell was Lucas? Where were any of her friends? Time moved so sluggishly that it was hard to tell exactly how long it had been since she last saw them.

She heard voices right outside the door, and the knob jiggle.

And instead of acting like a regular normal person, and standing up to let whoever it was use the restroom, she let herself fall back into the bathtub and closed the curtain behind her. This is a good idea Max, they will do whatever they need too and then leave and you can calm down.

Max recognized the voices to be that of Stacy, the party thrower, and Valerie, Stacy’s best friend. They sounded about as drunk as Max felt.

“Thank god, a little bit of quiet.” Stacy sighed as soon as the door latched closed behind her.

“I know right? At least it’s a good turn out.”

“Yeah I guess, but a lot of people showed up who I totally didn’t want to be here.”

“Oh drama? Go on.”

“Well like, when you invite nerds, you don’t expect them to come. I was just being nice but they had to actually show up. Did you see Henderson talking to Haley? Like he stands a chance. What a loser.”

“Oh I know! And all of his nerdy friends are here too. At least the rest of them date amongst themselves.”

Max was practically vibrating with anger at this point. No amount of ‘Just stay and wait for them to leave’ was helping. What if they kept going? What if they kept saying worse and worse shit? It was their shrieky and slurred laughter that finally pushed her over the edge. In a flash, she ripped the shower curtain back open, and from her place in the tub she stared daggers at them.

“What the hell-” Stacy began, looking totally appalled.

“Listen, Stacy! The only reason so many people came to your party is because you have a big house and free booze, not because anyone actually likes you! The next time I hear you talk about my friends i’m going to kick your ass!” Again, fueled by anger, Max easily rose to her feet and stepped out of the tub. “Oh, and that dress looks terrible on you.”

Sometimes you gotta fight shallow with shallow. Besides, it was an ugly dress.

Max wasn’t even listening to whatever they were yelling at her as she left. She flipped the bird behind her back as she went. It was so loud out here. She was so angry. Where the hell was lucas!?

She stumbled her way back through the house, avoiding the dining room, weaving around groups of people and spreading through others. How many living rooms did this place have? It took ages just to get from one side of the house to the other. Eventually, she found herself once again in the kitchen. It smelled so strong of booze that the nausea she had bated off was back, and kicking. She felt her skin ripple with goosebumps that was followed by a surge of heat. She really didn’t want to be the girl who pukes in the sink at a party.

Just then, a cool breeze nearly knocked her over, and her attention turned to a small side door.

Outside! Her senses screamed. Quiet, fresh air!

She was moving before she even finished the thought.

Max let the door slam behind her as she stepped outside. The lawn was pretty much empty, aside from a few people sitting around a small bonfire at the opposite end. She walked sluggishly toward the end of the porch, and sat with her legs dangling over the edge. The sounds of the party were further away now. She took a few deep breaths to try and clear some of the brain fog that had crept in. You never really notice how drunk you are until you’re alone. If she could just chill like this for a little while, her stomach would calm down and everything would be fine.

What a stupid party. What disgusting idiots those football players had been. Why was Stacy so vile? Max was kicking herself for being the one to suggest they come. Right now they could all be in Wheeler’s basement playing a board game, or at the cabin watching a movie. She was so worked up about the whole thing that she could feel her skin heating up.

A few moments later, she heard the door open behind her, but she assumed it was just someone else looking for a little bit of solace. Then that person walked towards her, and took a seat next to her. Their legs touched the ground where hers just swayed above.

“You doing alright out here? Lucas. His voice was quiet and when she looked at him he smirked, a beer still in his hand. It was probably only his second, maybe third. She felt embarrassed.

“Im fine.” She snapped back, and then sighed, letting some of the tension leave her shoulders. “I’m not fine. I’m drunk and I hate everything.”

“You hate everything even when you aren’t drunk.” His face was so sobering. Like he could see through her bullshit, but he was still validating her feelings. Gentle.

“Not you.” She let her head fall against his shoulder and her whole body went with her. She was lucky he was strong enough to support the both of them because she basically gave up trying. “A revision. I’m drunk and I hate everything but you.”

“Well in that case,” Lucas wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her snug against him. She felt him kiss the top of her head and she sighed contently. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Im sure I will when im sober and can actually like, you know, formulate thoughts. I’m sure you’ll hear all about it.”

“Okay good, i’ll be waiting then.” He was quiet for a moment, and she relished in it. “Instead, can we talk about how cool it is that you beat the football team at beer pong?”

Even though her eyes were sagging closed, she could hear the smile in his voice. She groaned. “I don’t want to talk about that either. They’re gross. I drank shitty warm hand beer.”

“Okay, well, is there something you do want to talk about?”

She adjusted so she could look up at him, but no further than necessary. “Where were you? I haven’t seen you all night. And, how did you know I was out here?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. I kinda got caught up in a pool game. Did you know that the basement is like a full game room? And then someone wanted to play Foosball… It got out of hand. Also you literally almost knocked Will over in your mad dash to get outside. He told me you looked upset.”

Max snorted, and then laughed, and then she was laughing so hard that Lucas had to keep her from slipping off the edge of the porch. “Are you serious? We lost each other because we were both goaded into playing stupid games at this stupid party?”

“I guess so.” Lucas smiled at her, and the warmth of his hands bled through her shirt, making her shiver. He was so god damned competitive, and it was one of the things she loved about him. He was also, however, really god damned handsome and sometimes it still made her knees weak.

“This party kind of sucked.” She finally admitted.

“Yeah, it kind of did. It would have been way more fun to just sit out here.”

“Totally.” She snuggled in closer to his side, “Or… if we had, I don’t know, found one of the hundred rooms in this big stupid house and made out for like, an hour.”

“Hm, yeah, you’re right. That would have been better.” He was silent for a few seconds. “I’ll race you to the top floor.”

“Oh you are so on, Stalker!”

Instead of bolting, Lucas helped Max to her feet, and instead of racing through the house, it was more of him pulling her by the hand really quickly. Weaving in and out of groups of people, and rooms, and hallways. Once they finally got to the top floor, it was a guessing game as to finding an actual available room. They pressed their ears to a lot of doors, and were met with a lot of ‘Fuck off!’ and the usual drunk party girl crying. Luck finally came to them in the form of an oversized storage closet.

Needless to say, it turned the whole night around. More laughing and knocking things over then anything else, but he kissed her tenderly when she wanted him too and held her tightly when she needed him too. He always knew exactly how to make her heart quicken. They made a damn mess in that storage closet, essentially turning old camping gear and extra linens into a pallet on the floor. And there were the golf clubs they had knocked over, and whatever that thing was that fell and shattered. But that was Stacy’s problem.

Lucas always seemed to know the exact right things to say and do. It blew her mind that less than fifteen minutes earlier she had been rightfully angry on the back porch, and now she was lip locked and laughing. His hands tangled in her hair and she was glad she had taken El’s suggestion of bringing a brush so that she wasn’t such a hot mess when she got home. Her stained shirt was another issue, but right now she was just happy to be able to lay her head on his chest and listen to the party from what felt like far away

It was in this contented lul that he spoke again, softly, holding her tight against him. “How are you feeling? Still drunk and… hateful?”

“Yeah. Still drunk. I still hate everything but you.” She giggled, and cuddled even closer. “I love you a lot.”

He kissed the top of her head. “I love you a lot too, Madmax.”

As soon as the sounds of the people started dying down, they made their way hand in hand back downstairs; giddy and flushed and looking totally guilty.

They found Will first. He was almost as blushy as they were, and he said goodbye to his friend from art class in hushed tones before they left.

Then they found Dustin, who had passed out and was using a dog as a pillow. He was definitely the most wasted somehow, and Lucas practically had to carry him to the car.

Lastly, Mike and El found them. The couple were also holding hands, and also looking incredibly guilty. Well, Mike was. El looked so casual it almost through Max for a loop. She was actually thankful that Mike had stayed sober, because there was no way in hell she wanted to walk anywhere right now.

They crammed into Mike’s car, with El at shotgun and Dustin draped across the laps of everyone else in the back.

“So, uh, did you guys have fun?” Mike asked as he pulled the car out of its spot.

Max looked at Lucas, blushing all over again, heart beating fast, and smiled. “Yeah. Lots of fun.”

Lucas could make even the worst night into a good one. A great one. One she was excited to rant to him about all over again tomorrow.

[chiaki-c]

Watched endgame lmao. warnings: salty

Generally speaking it felt much inferior to infinity war. I hadn't spoiled myself but like the time travel was p much what i was expecting i just didnt think it would be so drawn out?? Like it felt like those shenaningans basically took up the whole movie when i assumed it would be more of a means to an end thing? Idek.

I was hoping we'd get some loki by the end of it but :( it took me and my sister a while to realize oh wait he wasnt included in the people resurrected with the gauntlet right b u t he did escape in that other timeline so i guess pretty fucked up way to sorta concede that he is maybe probably alive but also kinda you know?? erase all of his character development post the first fucking avenger lmao this feels like doctor who bullshit all over again. I hate time travel.

I want to know why the russos hate thor so much. Like in infinity war they didnt retain any of his progress in ragnarok but at least it was pretty standard thor shenaningans but why was he selected to be comic relief this round. Like i thought bruce had gotten it bad in infinity war but god. The need to have him not only be pathetic for laughs but also heavily underline that it was his mental health declining making him act like that aND OPENLY MAKING FUN OF IT AND OF ITS MANIFESTATION. WOW?? I honestly can't begin to see how they could be so blatantly insensitive about it in such a big movie. And valkirye being like "and he drinks now :///" like HELLO?????? HELLLLLOOOOOO LMAO

More thor ranting. It was nice to see frigga but, again, her talk with thor really enforced the feel that ragnarok development never existed and also like. It was nice but. You know who else didn't get a single chance to say goodbye to frigga and never actually make peace with the passing of the only person who wholly accepted him?

He also didnt get an abundance of meaningful scenes really. So you know. Missed chance, maybe.

Anyway.

It was so dirty of them to kill nat. They didnt treat her right once, not a single time (winter soldier notwithstanding) so of course they had to end her arc the only possible way. by doing her dirty.

Like in a way?? I'm extremely emotional about clint and nat reunion + her literally giving her life in order for him to spend the rest of it with his family but i just phisically can't bring myself to ignore that they still preferred to kill a woman who, despite all the different flavours of questionable writing was at her core always!! a character whose heart was genuinely in a good place and who didn't get a single reward for her continuous efforts to make up for her past choices. nah she got to die so that Bad Man With Family could be happy. Like im not That mad but also like i can't not be yknow!! And still im so!! About the hand holding and forehead touching bc yes I AM GOING TO DIE MAD ABOUT THESE TWO AND WHAT IT COULD HAVE BEEN!!!!!!!!!!

Also Nebula. I was so excited the first half abt her bc it felt like she was getting to be part of the team but then THE MOVIE NEEDED HER TO BE FORGETTABLE ENOUGH TO THEM THAT THEY WOULD NOT NOTICE WEIRD BEHAVIOR + HER STAYING OUTSIDE?? WHILE THEY WERE USING THE GAUNTLET LIKE LMAO WHAT. And then bc they needed to wrap up no one got to say bye to gamora even tho she wasn't their version of her but still yknow with those people apparently being unable to be brought back you'd think it would warrant a lil emotional moment? Idek. The amount of this movie that was lost to silly gimmicks is more irritating the more i think abt it.

Lmao @ carol and okoye being in the promos for the woke points and then amounting to jack shit in the actual movie

They really did say fuck stevebucky rights uh. Idk what even to say about this just. Bucky never gets anything. Im wondering why only steve gets to have a chance at a normal life in his rightful time. Could it be bc maybe bucky didn't have anyone besides steve to go back to? /thinking emoji Too bad he wasn't as up high in steve's list of stuff then. I'm saltier abt this one than i originally realized :/

Ppl who are more eloquent than me can surely talk better about the time travel inconsistencies but yeah. A lot of it was glaringly wonky and up to wide range of interpretation which i guess is very convenient for them but to me ends up being kinda unsatisfying especially for like. The big final chapter.

and i gotta say i got really emotional when tony said i am iron man aaand through the whole death scene. I'm gonna blame my period for the tears but honestly?!?!?! I feel like the part of me who basically grew up with this franchise and put a lot of emotional investment in it just really went all out at seeing that. Like i was such a big iron man stan and even when that toned down a lot i always liked him till the end so!!! :'( but compared to natasha his death was a lot more fanservicy id say and like. Of course he'll get all the honors and stuff and it wasn't like totally unexpected or anything. I'm mad at myself for being emo about it but yeah couldnt help it anyway :(

but yeah im mostly meh about it unfortunately

[punchmedanny]

Chicago II July 25, 2018

Alright strap yourselves in cuz this is gonna be a long ass post WITH SPOILERS for Interactive Introverts. I will mark where spoilers begin if you want to read about pre show stuff. If you don't want any spoilers whatsoever, don't feel obligated to read this even if we're buddies! Feel free to send me an ask/dm instead 😅

Alright folks, let's go!

Playing the Waiting Game

I was supposed to get to the venue at 4 for m&g, but I got there before 3 because a) i'm terrified of being late and b) my uber driver made excellent time.

The venue was not open yet, so my bf and I walked to a nearby mall. We passed by the tour buses (presumably dnp's plus other performers'). There was a group of people hanging around them looking v stalkerish (please don't hang around the buses before the show)

We got back to venue around 3:50 and waited in line outside till 4 when the venue let us in. We were near the middle of the line, so if you want to be closer to the front, get there sooner lol

Turns out I was behind the lovely @noodlephil in line (although I didn’t know till after!)

Two internet friends were meeting for the first time and crying (it was adorable)

Inside, there was a table with staff that checked and marked our tickets then gave us silver paper wristbands

We got in a second line where we had a bag check (our venue allowed sealed water bottles, but that might vary) and were scanned by a wand metal detector. After that, staff scanned our tickets 

We went to a third line which was the actual line for m&g and were told the m&g itself would start around 4:30

Marianne came by and said we would be waiting a bit longer for "latecomers" (im p sure dnp were the latecomers because most people were there at that point haha)

Marianne walked like a frickin goddess and her voice was beautiful

She made a speech giving us a rundown of how m&g would work, which I recorded

The m&g area was set up in the lobby to the side of the theatre doors

Dan and Phil entered from our left (towards the back of the theate)

They jogged across the m&g backdrop where we could see them better and waved. Dan did the cutest bouncy jump ever while waving. He stayed out longer than Phil

There was a table to set your bag on as you approached the backdrop

The music was loud af and there was NO WAY to see or hear other people's m&g - it was v private even though there were tons of people

Marianne was at the very front of the line and asked what she could do to help. I was like uhhh (because I'm eloquent like that) and she asked if we had anything for them to sign. My bf had golf balls lmao and gave them to her. I said I wanted to take a Polaroid for them to sign. She had me turn the camera on because apparently they’d had issues with Polaroid cameras in the past

I thanked her for the way everything was being run and joked a bit while we waited

When it was our turn, the people in front of us were completely gone (I repeat: v private). Marianne gestured and verbally told us to go on in

Meeting Dan and Phil

Phil was wearing his red jacket and good vibes t-shirt just like the beginning of "week in the life" He welcomed us with open arms and I went in for the Phil Hug. Wow. Phil is an excellent hugger and his arms felt a lot stronger than I imagined. And, yes, he waited for me to let go first

As soon as I let go of Phil, I stepped to the side and and looked at Dan. He was wearing his II denim jacket over a white t-shirt. He also had his arms wide for a hug. And lemme tell you, that boi has a fuckin wingspan. Dan gave a more gentle hug than Phil and we let go at like the same time

I am not a hugger and wasnt even 100% sure before I went in that I would hug them tbh

After the hugs, I stepped back and took them both in that's what she said. My initial impression was confidence and class. Literally, the most confident people I've ever encountered irl

Everyone says they're tall, but they are, as my bf said, taller than advertised. He's 6'2 and still looked up to both of them. I feel like they're both close to the next inch up honestly

They are wide. Like we've all noticed the Phil is wide, but Dan is too! They are literal giants

The cameras do NOT do them justice. Phil looks his age irl and I mean that in the sexiest way possible. He does actually have pores and tiny wrinkles (gasp), but I think they only make him more attractive. He oozes understated masculinity. But he also has serious nerd energy and idgaf attitude. Basically, he seems kind of badass

Dan looked flawless. Like I know every so often people wonder about if he wears makeup and all imma say is either he does OR he has the best damn skin care routine and/or genetics ever. He looks like someone after they use a filter

I'd say dan is suave and phil has swagger

(I'm about to sound real fucking weird) They both had such strong auras or energy or whatever you want to call it. It was palpable and BIG - like it extended off of them a couple feet. Dan's felt more static-y, while phil's felt more like balloon about to burst. It merged together between them to where I couldn't tell where one stopped and the other started

Marianne handed Phil the golf balls and he and Dan just stared at them in his hand in confusion for a second then Phil said "golf balls?" before my bf explained it was because they were the caddy lads. They chuckled and Dan said it was "the only series that has any value"

I am now the proud (?) owner of photos and video of phil holding two balls in his hand and I feel really weird about it

Dan asked if I had anything for them to sign, so I told him I wanted to take a Polaroid to which Dan replied, "D'ya want me to attempt the rare Polaroid selfie?"

Then I actually gently teased Dan (!?!?) because I'm a little shit lol I said, "I successfully did one this morning, so I hope you can"

They both seemed mildly amused and he did the thing where he touched his chest lightly in mock offense and said, "Well, let's see"

Tbh I think this was why I got genuine smiles in my pic

Dan said, "Beautiful" and Phil said "Amazing" lol (it really was tho)

Dan described the signature he'd be doing as "the tiniest little dan" and he used the highest voice ever

Phil's signature was so bad im pretty sure dan laughed at it lmao

Dan offered another selfie with my phone (i love him)

I shook their hands before I left and they seemed surprised, but appreciative. They both had excellent handshakes: firm, but not too hard. They both had soft, warm hands with Phil's being about average and Dan's being warmer than average

Overall, they were incredibly kind and professional. The vibe to be was sort of like talking to a boss who isn't your direct boss at a work party: fun, but still guarded

The saying goes "Never meet your heroes," but whoever said that obviously never met dan and phil. This was one of my happiest memories of all time

1500+ word description of the meeting including a sommelier worthy account of how the boys smell

And here’s the (real shit) video of my m&g

The Pre-Show

After meeting the bois, we were immediately given our goodie bags (one of them was double stuffed, lucky me)

Staff asked if we’d be staying in the theatre or not. Upon telling them we’d be leaving, they let us know we’d need to scan out so we could re-enter later

We bought merch (tie-dye/marbled look tee, long sleeved tee, and denim jacket). The line was basically non-existant, so if you have VIP 100% get your merch at this time

We scanned out and were told we could re-enter at 6 along with general admittance ticket holders

We had dinner then got back around 6:10. There was no line this time and we went through security and ticket scanning again

There were so many people everywhere and everyone was so cute! Why are we such a good looking fandom??? The line for merch was EXTREMELY long. RIP those folks

So was the line for the restrooms (and multiple men’s rooms were turned into ladydoors women’s restrooms)

We got 2 drinks (both for me) then went to our seats. We were front and center - I could literally touch the stage with my shoe from my seat. At this time I met @phandommom and @crunchytoasted1

The pre-show music was loud af where I was seated (I actually put in ear plugs lol). Lots of people were dancing and I got to witness crunchytoast dance to “Ladydoor” live which was a treat. At one point various people were running across the theatre with various LGBT+ flags to plenty of cheers. ‘Twas glorious. People did the whole waving the phone flashlights thing and sang along during “Welcome to the Black Parade”

My bf got me 2 more drinks

Showtime! 

THIS IS WHERE THE SPOILERS START!!!

It was so, so weird to see them onstage after having the m&g. I legit wanted to climb onstage and like be close again, but, ya know, I didn’t cuz I know what’s socially acceptable

We were called Susan. Classic

Phil was wearing waffle socks. As in socks with tiny waffles all over them

We sacrificed Phil to Satan and Dan died in a furry nightclub

None of mine or my bf’s answers got chosen and I’m a bit salty lol

We sacrificed Dan (the only correct choice fite me)

At intermission the line for the bathrooms was sooooo long omg. I got myself 2 more drinks at this point and called @h-owllslide to gush about the show. I spilled one of my drinks on my bf a little when I sat back down.

Danny was 3 centimeters away from loosing his dick and he got paint on his shoe. He seemed legit irked lol

Nick Jonas was in Dan’s box, but I don’t recall the other two cuz that was the only one that mattered imo

I got a piece of the sign and when they threw it into the audience it was a bit disturbing how everyone tore into it like a swarm of pirahnas

They wore Cubs baseball shirts over their usual shirts during the rap/song finale which was absolutely precious. I LOVED the finale so fucking much - it was magnificent

END SPOILERS!!!

Closing Thoughts

I wish I hadn’t drank so much (6 wines for those of you keeping track at home). I was getting real embarrassing by the end (as in screaming excitedly too much/ too often) and I don’t remember it as clearly as I wish I did. I was just freaking tf out and my anti-anxiety meds weren’t cutting it

I was struggling incredibly hard not to disassociate the entire time

I wish I could go to another show. It was so fun!

The following day, I had a major mood drop. If you’re prone to this, maybe have a plan to hang with someone and do something nice, but lowkey the next day

This was literally the most fun thing I’ve done in at least two years and was one of my happiest memories ever. We’re talking patronus conjuring levels of happy

If you can go, go. If you can’t, don’t feel too bad. It was EXTREMELY intense and not for everyone (especially m&g). Plus they are putting it up later, which I’m looking forward to because I think I’ll be able to better absorb it

Please feel free to ask me anything about the show! I’d love to go on about it lol

[sunsetsgod]

just a rant & unimportant

why do i have so much fucking stuff to do for the next week and a half and literally all of it is music-related and tbh it starts tomorrow cause im going to a concert and then i have a piano lesson thing and then im planning on practicing every fucking day plus i have two music electives so that happens every school day and wednesday i have another lesson then thursday the 25th is a choir concert and im 93% sure that im gonna have a solo for that and the 26th we might have a game to play at if our team makes it or whatever and then the day after that the 27th i have fucking RECITAL and i REALLY HOPE I DONT SUCK EVEN THOUGH IM BASICALLY LEARNING THE PIECE RIGHT NOW FUCKING STILL BECAUSE MY MENTAL HEALTH SUCKED IN THE SUMMER AND SO I COULDNT BRING MYSELF TO PRACTICE EVEN THOUGH THIS IS ALL I WANTED AND SO IM A BIT PISSED AT ME but whatever we r staying positive so im just gonna casually whip out clair de lune, decimate the population with lances of sadness and to be quite honest i might cry myself but u fucking bet im calling seb before recital starts to hype me up if hes free lmao. anyway that happens and then monday all fucking day is this choir festival thing which means i will most likely be Dysphoric All Day because i swear our choir teacher’s one mission in life is to misgender as many people as possible. and then the 30th aka tuesday i have the fall band concert aka the prima volta which is the most dramatic-ass name for a band concert ever when it literally just means ‘first one’ aka first concert. anyway i just have a shit lot going on and i seem bitter n salty about it but im not because i love music and im glad that this is what i get to do with my time cause. yknow. music. like i wouldnt want to be doing this amount of events in this little time for science or math or something no offense if thats ur thing its not mine though!! but im just stressed cause it’s a lot. anyway rant over and if you read all this wow okay, uh, oof sorry, and if you didnt,

tl;dr, the amount of music in the next week and a half is making me stressed but i love it cause its music but im also having an constant crisis ya feel