#lmao i impulse reblogged as soon as i saw this and only just came back to elaborate lol
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FUCK!!!! I'VE BEEN THINKING THIS BUT I NEVER FOUND ANYONE ELSE WITH THE HEADCANON FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please read my tags i have the bad habit of ranting there instead of here
Give us the jessie bpd rant
JESSIE TEAMROCKET HAS BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: A POST
[Paraphrased behaviours. I’m not a psychologist I just read the DSM-5 for fun. This is not a diagnostic tool, but if you identify with this post maybe look into some actual ones and learn some fun stuff about yourself.]
Identity problems, an unstable sense of self.
Jessie describes herself as adaptable, someone who can fit in anywhere, and this is indeed one of her strengths! She doesn’t let a lack of experience or qualifications discourage her because she believes that she can shift and change to suit her environment, and she’s right!
It’s also a major weakness of hers, though. Jessie in her element (when she’s her true self) is loud, confident, assertive, and bold. However, whenever she 'imprints’ on someone she throws her true personality aside entirely--buries it under the facade of someone who is malleable, softspoken, easy to be around, does whatever they can to make the person they love choose them. This trait of hers, and how it’s a fault, is a MAJOR plot point in XY063.
there’s a scene early on in this episode where she’s partially paralyzed from a stun spore, and Dr. White, the man who saved her from drowning, feeds her a berry to fix it. She poses triumphantly with her arms in the air and shouts ‘THAT DID THE TRICK!’ then realizes she’s being too loud around an attractive man and immediately throws her hands over her mouth, trying to stop more words from coming. It’s an incredibly effective way of showing how contradictory Jessie is when she imprints on someone. The Jessie we know would never even think of second guessing how much room she takes up in the world.
In this episode, Jessie has feelings for Dr. White, and she completely buries her personality to make herself a silent, sweet, softspoken housewife in the hopes that he’ll fall in love with her. Dr. White instead falls for his childhood friend, a loud, rude, brash girl who likes to fight, calls him a wimp and tells him to fuck off when he presses her buttons.
The tragedy of this episode is that Jessie is forced to confront this about herself--this way she shifts and changes to keep people near may very likely have caused her to lose something here. She’s forced to reckon with the idea that if she had just been herself, he might have loved her back. Not in spite of her personality, but because of it.
In Borderlines, this trait is often a survival mechanism, driven entirely BY:
A debilitating fear of potential abandonment, perceived or based in past trauma.
Jessie’s childhood trauma, though not often discussed, hinges entirely on her abandonment issues. She was given up to foster care around kindergarten age, which was long enough to learn to love her mother before never getting to see her again. Jessie’s implied to have been a deeply lonely child who never had a family to call her own, and who didn’t fit in with any other girls her age because she was too poor to afford even basic food and couldn’t keep up.
When Jessie opens up about her love life, she doesn’t go into specifics, only mentioning that it’s been full of nothing but heartbreak thus far. She’s an unreliable narrator, always, but when she’s inviting pity on herself it’s almost always manipulation to gain something, and these moments don’t seem to have that element. When she talks about her love life in EP100, it’s very carefully accented with this image:
In her adolescence, Jessie tried to center herself around her passions, pursuing them whenever she was handed the opportunity. Frequently, though, she’d find herself meeting people and growing attached to them, and would eventually reach a crossroads where she forced herself to choose between the people she cared about and the goals she chased relentlessly.
The biggest example of this is DP073, where she chooses to stay and train to be an idol, rather than to travel with the boy she’s in love with.
She ends up not passing her audition, losing both him and her shot at her career. This starts Jessie’s descent into compulsively abandoning/parting ways with everyone in her life in an attempt to control how people exit her story. The only way to prevent yourself from being abandoned with 100% certainty is, of course, to leave them before they can leave you.
This kinda blends into the next point, which is:
Instability in personal relationships.
As previously mentioned, Jessie has a tendency to leave people behind & sever ties. It’s only speculation on my part, but it would make sense that she does this because she has been left behind in so many regards and by so many people she loved, it’s the only way she feels she can take control of this phenomenon.
People who watched a lot of OS back in the day, but don’t necessarily keep up with the series much now, will famously circulate Jessie’s speech to the Ghost of Maiden Rock in EP020. The maiden was a woman who died waiting for her lover who was out at sea, and since her death her spirit’s remained on the cliffside in the hopes that he would come home. Jessie shoots the ghost of the maiden with a fucking bazooka half her height and says this:
This is lauded by 90s kids everywhere as a #GirlPower speech about how Jessie don’t need no man (which is true), but it’s actually, like... kinda tragic? She hates the ghost of the maiden because she sees herself in it, and she takes the opportunity to proclaim that what she sees of herself makes her sick to look at. This speech she gives is so aggressively out of nowhere and so long and rambling that you have no choice but to read it as deeply personal. She just short of confirms that you can’t leave Jessie because Jessie leaves FIRST.
And you GET to see this in action. Jessie struggles so hard with loyalty. In ALL her relationships! Literally all of them. Every time something shakes up her foundation with a person in her life, she hardlocks herself into run run RUN mode because there’s a slight chance they might leave her and she CANNOT have that.
It was shown in the most explicit detail in the side story about what she was like in training, where Jessie’s inability to stay beside various partners in Team Rocket is literally the trait that defined her to everyone in the organization.
There’s even a beautifully symbolic shot in the beginning of that episode where she abandons her 12th partner, and kneels down while the world literally collapses behind her.
In DP073, when Jessie sees her Dustox has fallen in love with another Dustox, she demands that Dustox leave despite the pokemon hesitating. She doesn’t let Dustox control that scenario--Jessie crushes her pokeball and demands she migrate with her mate.
When Meowth dips on her and James to work food service because he finds it more rewarding, Jessie doesn’t try to fight it, instead focuses her energy on also leaving her teammates in her dust because at least she can get out of there and move on before James abandons her.
When she realizes White loves another girl, she doesn’t bother to even say goodbye to him, she just leaves wordlessly with nothing in her wake but a bouquet of daisies, and when she remembers that oh right, her wobbuffet is also in love with White’s own--
She tries to leave him, too.
You can’t fire Jessie. Jessie quits.
This is the in-depth, analytical part of me Diagnosing Her. Everything else she exhibits is far more General and really doesn’t need a trained eye:
Instability in one’s goals, aspirations, or career: Jessie has a steady job in Team Rocket, but is constantly picking up side-hustles and being distracted by passions like acting, performing, contests, and the like. She’s left Team Rocket entirely before to pursue Contests, only to return almost immediately. (DP117)
Difficulty controlling the range/intensity of one’s emotional responses: Long past the Slapstick Days of the original series, Jessie’s still incredibly prone to outbursts. It’s not just anger--she reacts equally strongly when she’s sad, happy, lovestruck, anything. I have used this exact phrasing before, but Jessie doesn’t feel her emotions, she becomes them.
Poor impulse control: Kind goes hand-in-hand with the above.
Engaging in dangerous/risky/self-harming activities with no concern to personal limitations: This applies to all of Team Rocket, but Jessie seems to take it a step further in thinking she’s invincible. She’ll throw herself headfirst into anything, rarely backs down from a fight, and often has trouble taking rest days even when she needs them because she lacks self-preservation.
Hair-trigger temper: lol yeah.
Unstable emotions/mood swings: lol YEAH, Jessie will be crying one minute, screaming the next, immediately fine. She can cycle the whole spectrum of human emotion before you can finish a sentence.
Idealization & Imprinting: Jessie frequently rushes into relationships based entirely on the idea of a person, not grounded in reality. She becomes attached to people incredibly easy at times, willing to throw her entire life thus far away to run away with someone she’s just met.
Living entirely in the moment, unable to comprehend the past/future: Jessie prefers to go with the flow and, as previously mentioned, adapt if things don’t turn out in her favour. If something doesn’t work out for her, she immediately will turn in the other direction and start toward whatever’s there.
This post is so long and I could probably make it longer but I’m gonna stop here. My credentials are I’m an Incredibly Powerful Jessie Kinnie who has BPD herself as well as an autistic who’s special interest is the pokemon anime and team rocket specifically fdhdfghg.
IN CONCLUSION,
#WNABANNAHSGGFHFHDJJDJD#GOD#I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE#ALL THE SIGNS ARE THERE#imo shes been getting more stable in the ladt few seasons bc of James' unwavering love for her#platonic or otherwise#HE ALWAYS COMES BACK;;#HE FOLLOWS HER EVERY TIME#THAT ONE QUOTE THAT THEYD MEET AGAIN IN HEAVEN HAUNTS ME FOR THIS VERY REASON#THAT MUST HAVE MEANT SO MUCH TO JESSIE#THAT SOMEONE WOULD CHOOSE TO STAY WITH HER EVEN IN DEATH#this is why i ship them though??? they dont just want to stay together for the rest of their life#they want to stay together PAST THAT#effectively overshadowing even fucking WEDDING WOWS#jessie and james voice til death do us part my ass. if you choose me youre never getting rid of me even after death#and im just speculating now but i think that's also part of why she let james and meowth leave so easily in journeys?#she was giving them an out from their relationship with her#because she wants them to be happy and if she cant give them that happiness then shes not giving them anything good#and why would they want to be around her in spite of that?#but they come back#always#effectively driving in the fact that they want her around in spite of her own self worth#i could go on about the fact that their refusal to keep looking for happiness while apart (because they might not believe they CAN be happy#-without each other) gives me codependence vibes but ive already been here far too long#lemme just say that if they were more confident in experiencing new things and being alone#instead of looking for the sameness of being half happy (probs partially out of fear they cant be happier than that)#they'd have already left Team Rocket. just look at how much happier they seem now that they're doing mostly other things#as opposed to the beginning of the anime. or unova#also sorry for not talking about meowth much. hes a whole other can of worms i dont know how to open. if u do please help#lmao i impulse reblogged as soon as i saw this and only just came back to elaborate lol
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D0n’t r3bl0g
I’ll preface this with three statements:
Don’t reblog this. Yes, I know it’s in the title of the post but you bitches can’t read.
I feel compassion towards the people who up until today trusted her, and I’d be a hypocrite to act like I’m all knowing and infallible considering I excused her behavior for a long time too and enabled her as well. I understand, in particular, why bi woc would cling to someone like her and have an impulse to protect her, for both who she is and the content she provided.
There’s a lot to be said about her antiblackness, but me being non-Black, not having had exactly the firmest condemnation of it at the time, and many of the people she’s disappointed today being Black wlw, I don’t feel comfortable being the one to expand on that. I’m only mentioning it briefly in this point for the sake of acknowledging that that’s an issue too.
That said, it’s my opinion that Navya’s “reach” (for lack of a better word) on this website would’ve been lesser if she had been properly held accountable for her constant blatant lesbophobia.
Again, I’m not angry at anyone other than her for the most part, and I feel sad for the people who trusted her and are hurting over this, so please don’t take this as me “calling out” anyone or anything alike. Again pt 2, I enabled and excused her lesbophobia for a while too, so I’d be a hypocrite to chastise anyone for that.
The thing is, biphobic lesbians sadly did give her enough genuine ammunition to claim biphobia at the smallest criticism of her lesbophobia, but she really was (and I’m sure still is) a raging lesbophobe and I started to feel uncomfortable with her by the last bunch of months we were mutuals, but was too much of a coward to openly acknowledge it, as well as too scared that I was being a Delusional Hysterical Dyke.
I don’t fucking know why I let it slide so much, even as her lesbophobia personally made me hate myself as a lesbian to the point of her adding into my suicidality, but she really was going around saying countless times shit like “Thank God I only talk to bi and straight woc” clearly in reference and reaction to lesbian anything. Saying “I only talk to bi woc” is one thing and that I can understand (even though she would’ve indirectly bitten my head off if I said the same as a lesbian lol) but adding the straight women into it makes it a different type of statement. I seriously don’t know why I kept my mouth shut on that, it’s not something I would’ve allowed to slide from anyone else.
I started to see her insane levels of egotism, pettiness, cowardice and arrogance whenever I made posts discussing my own hurt as a lesbian, things as “casual” and brief as “I hate being a dyke lmao” in reference to intracommunity lesbophobia triggering me, and she’d immediately start to mirror everything I said but about herself as bisexual. Which, obviously feeling self-hatred as a bi woman and feeling hated within spaces that should be the most accepting towards her is a real and valid feeling, but she started to replicate my exact phrasing after a while and would almost always make that kind of comment indirectly right after I made mine as if she was always responding to me.
In general she would post a lot of shit mirroring mine in that way or vagueblog about my commentary on intracommunity lesbophobia. This chick went as far as to (correctly) point out that biphobique was pushed out of this website via biphobic harassment specifically, but when Yole being pushed out similarly (back when she identified as a lesbian) was brought up in conjunction to that, she brushed it off as it being because she was a Black wlw, which she directly named as being the one thing she had “in common” with biphobique, intentionally obfuscating that Yole was pushed out via specifically lesbophobic harassment mainly perpetrated by bi women, just like biphobique’s biphobic harassment was mainly perpetrated by lesbians. Nope, it was just because she’s a Black wlw, her (at the time self-identified) lesbianism specifically had NOTHING to do with it, but biphobia specifically did have everything to do with the other case. Because lesbophobia is not that big a deal and no one hates lesbians specifically for being lesbians, only for being wlw in general, but bi women are hated specifically for being bi women instead. Apparently.
Every time I tried to make any post addressing intracommunity lesbophobia she’d make yet another type of vague post (having a much larger following than me) redirecting the attention towards “But bi women...!” which, AGAIN, is obviously an important thing to discuss, but can we fucking discuss lesbophobia for once without having the spotlight stripped from us for five fucking minutes? Or is that too much to ask?
It happened with shit such as me begging to please stop spreading (the misreading of?) a statistic that while correctly assessing the insane levels of abuse bi women face, also painted lesbians as facing significantly less abuse than cis straight women. In the context of this stupid fucking website in which I have had to see posts about how lesbians are privileged over bi AND STRAIGHT women all the fucking time and how we’re supposedly never fucking abused and WE alone are to blame for the abuse bi women face.
It happened with me discussing that lesbian self-hatred comes 99% of the time not from us liking women, but from us NOT liking men, which in another vague post she deemed as me saying that “bi women benefit from being attracted to men” when that was not what I said at all. I never even mentioned bi women specifically until I had to clear that up. I begged in one (1) post for people to extend the same level of solidarity to us that they demand from us, I begged people to see us as vulnerable human beings who have Feelings and hurt too, and she made a victim of herself on another vague post in response.
Everything always had to be about her and what mattered to her specifically. Which, fine in your personal life, but let the rest do the fucking same if that’s how you’re gonna be too. It wasn’t just that she had to always divert attention back to herself but created an environment in which it was seen as horrendous for lesbians to behave with 1% of the same self-priority.
Honestly, being around her as a lesbian felt like constantly walking on eggshells and increased my internalized lesbophobia exponentially. I saw in real time her influence turning other bi women into vocal lesbophobes thinking that shit was Radical. She and the people who supported her lesbophobia reinforced SO MUCH of the sentiment of Apologize For Being A Lesbian At Every Turn OR ELSE...! that’s so prevalent everywhere in which dykes dare to breathe.
But few people took it seriously, and those few people who took it seriously, especially Black lesbians, were painted as vile biphobes, no matter how careful they were to not fall into biphobia in their critiques of her lesbophobia.
I still see the impact of her widespread lesbophobia in this website to this day and very soon after I ceased any sort of contact with her (which was when I left Tumblr in early 2019) I came to terms with the fact that she’s a raging lesbophobe and stopped being too found of her memory, to say the least.
I wish so badly we could all take lesbophobia more seriously rather than, as per usual literally everywhere in the world, seeing claims of lesbophobia as dykes just being our delusional hysterical cunt selves always crying wolf. And I wish too that biphobic lesbians hadn’t given her all the excuse to claim biphobia whenever she was being rightfully criticized over her lesbophobia. What a way to dig your own graves you dumb bitches.
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limits of desire⤳t.h.||11
chapter 11: choose the menu
story summary: you met Tom a night he was trying to sleep with you, it didn’t work and you became best of friends. Wedding bells might be ringing for when you both realize what you really feel.
summary: the one with the London Eye and the fish and chips.
pairing: fuckboy!tom holland x best friend!reader
warnings: swearing, angsty, fluffy, i didn’t proof read lmao, mentions of cheating (?)
word count: 6.3k
previous chapter next chapter series masterlist wanna be tagged?
I’m so sorry this took so long, Finals happened and I had no time bc between the finals and mental breakdowns I couldn’t write, then I finished and had to sleep for a thousand hours. But here it is! I hope you like it, as usual, leave comments, reblog and tlel me what you thinl
The last day with Tom. In London. Just thinking about it gave her chills. She didn't look forward to the last hours of the next day. In just a few weeks she would be married. As soon as the year began, she would be the lady married to Miguel. So impressive this was to hear.
It was not possible, no.
She would stop seeing him forever. She had to say goodbye, right?
And how could she make such great decisions? and y/n couldn't stop thinking about what Lizzie had said. Take the last chance with him. She wouldn't have to see him later. Except at the wedding, of course.
Although doing any nonsense could mean risking him as the maid of honor. Although for that case, she would have Lizzie as a spare maid of honour.
But she could get something out of this. However, and she wondered, did she want to see Tom at her wedding? Was it really someone she needed to see there?
She was afraid. That was clear. Very afraid. She believed that she would find herself at the altar, and if she dared to turn around and see Tom, everything would go awful.
Wondering if she would ever get another chance. Because it all came to that.
But y/n … she was being foolish. She had never been the one who wanted a great wedding. Actually, all that nonsense she was planning, she didn’t like. She liked love in words. That's why she read it, wrote it. But, nothing like the wedding she was planning.
For y/n, love was not the messages she received at 7 in the morning from Miguel waking her up telling her that he loved her, for her, love was that Tom knew that she knew the dialogues of the first season of Friends or that if anybody caressed her nose she would fall asleep quickly.
Tom knew things about y/n that nobody else knew. Clearly. All Tom didn't know was that she was madly in love with him. But of course, that was a secret to keep.
But she was also in love with Miguel.
But she didn't have to think about that.
Tom had been quiet from the moment she told him that the next day was her last day in London. How should he react? Y/N was sure she didn't want to know.
They had decided to walk, Tom was still silent. It was getting dark while they looked around. Tom had his hands in his pockets and was completely distracted. And y/n was still thinking to herself. She could not let him go. She couldn't make her last day in London go with a Tom who didn't want to talk.
It was usual, she thought, his reaction. Tom always became a little withdrawn when he didn't like something. But what else could she do? Stay to be the shadow that watches him hook up with yet another girl?
That didn't mean she couldn’t take advantage.
"Don't you love it?" asked y/n.
Tom blinked fast and cleared his throat. "What?"
"London," she replied. "Especially in this time of the year, the Christmas lights."
"Ah, yes."
"With the lights, the sounds ... God, I'm going to miss this."
Tom looked at her, before stopping her. "Don't go."
"How can I not go, Tom?" She giggled. "I'm going to get married."
Tom sighed. "Yes, that’s ... true but ... It's London, you know? You love London.”
“But I also love adventure, ”she reminded him. "And this sounds like one, don't you think?"
"I suppose."
She turned around as she saw hanging Christmas lights and the lights of the stores and pubs illuminating her. The honking cars, and the smell of fish and chips coming out of the pub they were passing by. People with their coats, not so warm coats. A couple kissing under a sign that had a rose. Y/N smiled to herself.
"It's amazing." She grinned, Tom took her hand, and she didn't take it away. She felt a tear fall as she turned to see the buildings, the people, listening to the music that was still coming out of that pub. "I'm going to miss it.”
"London is going to miss you," he said. "But no one as much as I’ll miss you," he said as he pulled her to a hug. She laughed as she hugged him back, putting a hand on his chest.
"Stay," Tom said again.
"Tom ..."
"Why not?"
"I'm getting married, Tom, besides, nothing stops me here," she said. “Everything… everything points to the fact that I have to go.”
Tom looked at her sadly, while taking Y/n's hand, still in his chest. “I need you to stay. Can't… can't he move here?”
“No, no, ”She ignored his gaze. Feeling how it could melt her. Tom was playing with her again, like that night at the wedding, but she didn't want to stop this time. Because she knew that as soon as Monday arrived, she would get on a plane and never return to this. “It's not the same, you know? He has his career, a job… He's a doctor, I..., and I, well, I don't… I can look for a job there. ”
“But what about your dreams? ”
“ Sometimes you have to let go for love, ”she sentenced.
"Yes ... I guess...But...yeah." Tom released her hand.
Y/N kept walking, watching the night. "I need to ... Tell me you love me and I'll stay."
Tom frowned. "What?" He had stopped dead.
"No ... I mean that ... London,” she cleared her throat. “I need London to tell me it loves me, yeah that it loves me, I don't know," she laughed nervously. "It's just ... I'm scared, very scared, I won't see this anymore and ..."
"Hey, hey, you can always come ... You know?" He swallowed. "And ... I ... London, yes London loves you ..."
"Yes, but ... I dunno," she sighed. "If I stayed, everything would be very complicated, you can't..."
Tom took her hands. "I ..."
Y/N looked him in the eyes, while he shook his head. "No ... No, let's not think about that, okay?"
Tom evaded her gaze. He was shaking, she didn't know why, but they went on their way.
She looked up. "It's the details, you know?" She said while she was looking at the houses, the shops, the people. “Everything that makes London, well… London.”
“What are you going to miss most?”
She smiled at him. "I'm going to miss you the most."
Tom took her hand again, and she didn't know why he didn't want to take it away. Maybes he knew that he wanted to do something silly and that's why she was encouraging him to do it.
“Of course.”
“No, but… I guess that, the details, the things that people want to come here for, you know? Everything that makes London a dream, from Buckingham palace, or West End, I don't know, the pleasure of having a beer in any corner, or being able to walk in very narrow alleys, the fact that always seems like everyone is in a hurry and that In the end, everyone wants a moment to ... Pause, as if everyone wanted ... A moment only to stop and laugh. That feeling that everything is happening but at the same time you can find a place where everything is calm ... Listening to someone insulting me while they ask for money or that we can find stores of everything, old or new...The details...that, that is what I will miss. ”
Tom just looked at her while she talked. Y/N knew she didn't want to leave London, she did love Mexico, but London ... London meant everything to her. A bit. Not really. But it did bring memories. Especially with Tom. That was the problem.
Tom.
“It'll be our last day together, then?”
“Yeah, and we won't see each other until the wedding,” she admitted.
Tom sighed “Right… The wedding.”
“Then off to our lives, and we'll see what the future holds,” she gulped.
Tom looked at her. “Maybe it'll bring us back together.”
“I hope.” But she didn't. She needed a cleanse.
"So tomorrow's our last day to do whatever we want?" Tom asked.
"I ... I guess, but, enough about that," she said. “What will we do tomorrow? It's my last day… ”
Tom bit his lip. "You'll see."
-
So she didn't go straight to sleep that night. This time she went to her mother and grandmother at the hotel.
"Ma, you know it ... I have to go," said Y/N. "I have to check too many wedding things, besides, I want to spend more time with Miguel ... And I'll see you in a few days, besides ... I don't know, I don't feel like my place is in London."
"Are you sure?" Her mother asked. “It was always your dream, that's why you moved here to study..”
“It's a new chapter in my life, dreams change.”
“Your heart doesn't,” her mother reminded her. "We can't fool the heart, y/n."
"I've been fooling it for a while now, mum."
Her mother sighed. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Miguel loves me, mum," she said. "And he is willing to love me as he should."
"And you love him?" She asked.
Y/N approached the window, looking at the lights offered by the city, watching the movement, the cars, the people. Everything that made London, London.
"Yes, I love him," she stated. "That doesn't mean I'm not going to miss London, but I have to let go."
"Let go London?" Her mother pushed. "Or whom?"
"I'm stuck in a moment, mum," she reminded her. "I can't spend my whole life waiting for something that won't happen."
Her mom looked at her. "Isn't it something ... Rushed?"
"Maybe," admitted y/n. "Maybe ... But, I've always been ... I've always been someone who plans, makes lists, has everything perfect, I was always that, the perfect girl, and I never did anything ... Impulsive, always living by the book, " she said. "And this ... It feels good, I'm sure of this."
And she wasn't, but she didn't want her mother to judge her. Because she knew this was wrong but if she didn't? What?
Her heart had healed and she didn't need someone to break it again. Less the same person who is always breaking it.
“I just want you to be happy,” her mother insisted. “I don't want you to make any mistakes.”
“I won't mum, and I am happy… And I'll be happy.”
Not so far from there, Tom was having a different but similar breakdown. He had wanted to kiss y/n few thousand times that night but he hadn't. Tom was an idiot.
“I've never felt like this before,” Tom admitted as he poured down a shot of tequila for both him and Haz, Haz was sitting across him. "So hopeless."
"Did you tell her?"
“No, Haz, I couldn't… I felt like the moment was not right,” Tom sighed. “I don't know, I think I had to let her talk, and she said… I don't know, that her place was not here and that nothing stopped her anymore, besides, she is getting married, man, I can't just make her stay if she marries Miguel ”
“ Let me remind you that we don't want that wedding to happen, ”Haz said. “Isn't that the point?”
“Problem is… I see her very determined, when, I dunno… When she tried on that lingerie, I don't know, she just thought about Miguel, and when she dropped the bomb that she would leave on Monday,” Tom closed his eyes. "I just know ... That ... It's true, she wants to leave, for some reason I feel like she wants to get away from me."
"Do you think so?"
"I've hurt her too much," said Tom. “I think I've always known, and besides you know more than anyone.”
“Yes, well… Yes, she has swallowed some tears, but… It was because she believed that you did not love her, how about now?”
“She said you have to let go if you love someone, ”Tom said. “Maybe I love her so much that I have to let her go, let her fulfill her dream.”
"And is Miguel her dream?"
"Her dream is to escape from me," Tom said.
"Don't give up, she hasn't said 'I do' yet," Haz reminded him.
"Right," Tom sighed. "I don't want to go to the wedding."
"Why did you agree to be her maid of honour?"
"Being with her, I guess, making her happy, yes ... Figure out some way to get her off of him," Tom rubbed his face . “But, there is no time left.”
“There is still time.”
“I don't know, maybe I was all wrong, maybe he is better for her than me, he's so, he's tall, he's perfect,” Tom put the blank eyes. “And he managed to tell her what he felt in a short time.”
“Nobody's perfect,” Haz reminded him. "Well, maybe this tequila."
Tom groaned. “Huh, a gift from Miguel, he made it, his dad has a distillery.”
Haz scoffed.
"I can't go," Tom continued. “I can't watch her marry him, I've lost her already… She's moving to Mexico.”
“Bullshit.”
“If you love something, you have to let it free,” Tom declared as he downed his shot.
“Said by a pussy and used by pussies ever since,” Haz stated.
Tom rolled his eyes. "Not really," Tom shrugged. "Let's see, La La Land, they both let each other go."
"Pussies."
"Casablanca, Bogie puts her on the plane," Tom continued.
"Pussy."
"Bogie's a pussy?" Tom frowned.
“Big pussy,” Haz admitted taking down another shot. “Tom… I just need you to realize how stupid you are.”
“Thanks?”
“Yes, you are stupid but I need you to realize it now,” Haz said. “You've got to fight for her now, not tomorrow, not next week, now. You're both tailor-made for each other, don't let it be too late. ”
And he wouldn't.
-
Tom had arrived at 7 am sharp in the morning, at the hotel, where he had anxiously knocked at y/n's hotel’s room door. She opened it while yawning.
“What is this?” She laughed, as he gave her a bouquet of flowers. She yawned. “It's so early, Tom.”
“I ordered breakfast, too, should be here any minute now,” He kissed her cheek as he walked in. “It's your last day in London,” he reminded her. “I don't want you sleeping it out, so get ready and get some comfortable shoes, we're walking today.”
“What?” She yawned, as she sat down on her bed. “Mmmh… It's too early,” she stated before plopping down on the bed, curling up to her sheets.
Tom smirked as he looked down at the curtains. “C'mon, y / n.”
“No,” she snuggled to her pillow.
"Y/N."
She just groaned.
“Rise and shine!” He yelled before opening up the curtains, letting… the bright and white foggy light come through. Tom chuckled, as he had expected more sun.
Y / N watched him, flipped him off and threw a pillow over her head.
"C'mon, love," he sat beside her and started moving her.
"No."
"Please, I have a whole day planned out," he insisted, lifting the pillow. “We have a sharp schedule.”
Y / N looked at him, she sat up, placed a long kiss on his cheek, giving Tom butterflies and then walked to pick up her clothes.
Tom watched her as she had stepped into the bathroom. Tom gulped down every single sentiment of fear and anxiety that was invading his body. He rubbed his face as he heard the water of the shower falling down. He started to walk around the room, as he saw the engagement ring on the nightstand. He picked it up and stared at it, wishing it was the one he had chosen, wishing it was him whom she was going to get married to.
But he had a feeling that not only him was well aware that today could be his last chance.But he couldn't blow it off, it had to be perfect, because otherwise, it would be too late. And still ... It wouldn't. Because he was willing to fight until the last minute.
Not so long after he heard the knock of the door, he placed the ring back on the nightstand and walked over to the door, he smelled the food as he paid off the for the room service. He laughed to himself, y/n was going to hate him.
He placed the two plates on the table as he then received the cups of tea. It was just a matter of waiting. Y / N then had walked out drying her hair off with the towel, already clothed as she was smelling the food.
“Is it…?” She closed her eyes as her thoughts were confirmed. "Oh my god, you're an idiot," she laughed as she walked to the table, where a smirking Tom received her.
"I had to," he told her.
"No, you didn't."
Tom laughed. “C'mon, a traditional English breakfast for your last day in London, seems like the right thing, don't you think?”
Y / N rolled her eyes. "I ... well."
"I know you love it, please," Tom pulled the chair for her. “Sit down, m'lady.”
Y / N laughed as she nudged him. “You're the worst.”
“I know, here's your English breakfast tea, too,” he giggled evilly. She just rolled her eyes.
"So," she took a bite. “What's your plan for the day?”
Tom shrugged. "You'll see."
"Tom ..."
"Hey, I know you like to plan ahead," he chuckled. “But today, let me take control of it, okay?”
“Couldn't we have our normal Sunday?” She insisted.
Tom shook his head. "No, you ... you need to say goodbye to all you love," he gulped. “And I want you to see London in the eyes of the girl who came here when she was 5 and fell in love with the place.”
Y / N smiled and reached for his hand. Tom grinned as they kept eating. They held hands the whole time. Tom didn't know what she was onto, but he was not complaining.
She had not put on her ring.
It was only 8:30 am and they had already gone out. Y / N was jokingly complaining about how early it was and Tom kept laughing.
“Where are we going?” She asked again.
"First, we'll go to a market, I know you love to go to markets and I know it's the first place your dad brought you when you first came to London," Tom told her while he was parking. He saw how y/n’s eyes had changed, a smile appeared on her face.
And he had taken her to a market, where they had passed through different stores, a man selling books, others selling smoothies, others selling necklaces. Fruits, clothes, alcohol. Selling everything. They saw t-shirts that said: 'I love London' and the most clichés souvenirs. They walked, laughed, and held hands, even flirted. Some fans had seen Tom and asked for photos, but he was very discreet.
They took pictures and tried everything, anything that screamed London! They would be there. They were beginning to see the details of those who had spoken, such as the way people looked out the windows or people who didn’t see their way because they were on their cell phone.
At 10 am, Tom said it was time to leave. Y/N wanted to keep walking, but Tom insisted.
"Please," y/n laughed, taking him by the arm.
"I told you the itinerary is tight," Tom said as he approached the car. “You'll like it.”
“Fine, I trust you.”
“Besides, I don't trust London traffic, less on a Sunday,” he laughed.
They got back into his car, and he pointed out small London details. They drove past their favourite bakery and they drove past Y/N's old college apartment. As they were getting near to their destination y/n realized where he was taking her.
“Are you serious?”
“We are just taking a picture there,” Tom laughed. “It's your…”
“Last day in London, yes, but I don't have to do this, I'm no tourist,”
“Let's celebrate our history, darling,” Tom laughed. “C'mon, people are going to ask you all about these places, you need to have updated pics with it.”
Y / N laughed, as they were approaching the Big Ben. “You know, wouldn't it be silly to take a picture near it… They won't even see it,” she pointed out.
"Oh, you'll have your far picture later, silly," Tom chuckled. “I've thought everything out.”
They got there, took some silly pictures.
“It's… 10:30, great, we still have time, but we have to run, there'll be a lot of people,” Tom rushed as he took her by her hand and started walking.
"Time for what?" She laughed. "Tom, this is so crazy!"
Tom grinned. “I know.”
And they walked through the crowds, not letting the other go. And she'd chuckle at the tourists with their not so original pictures and then Tom forced her to copy their pictures, pictures where she couldn't hold down her excitement and happiness. Their smiles were growing bigger and bigger each time they'd take a picture, laughing as they tried to make their most clichés poses.
They finally arrived at the destination Tom had planned for, it was going to be the Changing of the Guard right in front of Buckingham's palace. Y / N couldn't stop laughing as they merged through the crowds, mostly made up of tourists with big 'I love London' t-shirts, just like the hoodies they had bought. It was silly. Very silly, but they were having fun.
They watched the guards and then took silly pictures again. It was just perfect.
By 12, they were hungry so they stopped for a snack. Of course, Tom had suggested bloody fish and chips because he insisted that even if she didn't eat them because she claimed she didn't like it, she would miss them.
"I won't," she declared.
"Y / N, please," Tom laughed. “I bet you'll call me one day, all drunk in the middle of the night, knowing you shouldn't call because you'll…” He cleared his throat. “You'll be a married woman craving some bloody fish and chips.”
“I'll miss the beer,” she admitted. “But I can get beer there, so we're good.”
Tom shook his head. "But you'll also miss me."
She sighed. “You're right in that.”
“And the fish and chips.” Tom smiled as he popped a chip into his mouth. "You'll miss this."
She sighed. “Fine, I will.”
I have grinned. "Now ..."
"We're going to the Tower, aren't we?" She guessed and Tom nodded. “How did you know?”
“What?” Tom smiled, innocently.
“We're doing exactly the same thing I did with my brother and father when I was 5,” she chuckled. “Even back then it was crazy.”
“I talked to your mother,” he admitted. “Last night.”
“Ah, you did?” She gulped.
"Yeah, told her I wanted to make all of this special," he told her. “You're my best friend, y/n, I only want the best for you.”
And she only smiled.
But it brought them back to the old times, even if they did nothing near this, they were back to whom they were, long before their feelings were an impediment to have a great conversation. They were back to the laughs and the silly jokes, to the old jokes and their routines. Creating memories, without knowing. Having fun.
They kept exploring London as two people who're going for the first time, like two lovers on a Honeymoon. From the London Tower to Trafalgar Square. They even made a quick tour of the British Museum.
They stopped to shop for a few things, to eat a few snacks and to take pictures everywhere.
The night was falling down, and they seemed to be getting closer and closer, with the excuse that the weather was getting colder, but with the deep intention to be holding the other. They'd often find each other like that in the old times. But this time, it felt different. And Tom wasn't sure why, but he had noticed her. And he knew her, and she had been flirting, and maybe Tom had finally gone completely mad but he was sure that there was something in the air. They way they were speaking, the way they were looking at each other, the way she was whispering everything to him and the way her head would fall to his shoulder every time it could. How their hands would come back together or how their cheeks kept blushing.
Any moment. Any moment could be the perfect moment, yet Tom couldn't manage to say it. Because he didn't want to ruin anything.
But he couldn't help but notice it. Y / N was not acting at all like she had the day before, nor had she mentioned Miguel or the fact that she was leaving. It was as if both were trying to forget it and try to make as many memories as they could before they could leave. Tom had tried to ignore it, but he couldn't, it would be present from time to time. But he was trying, somehow, even if this was another lame attempt to try and get her back, it wasn't but another thing to treasure, because there was still that huge possibility that she'd still leave tomorrow no matter what happened today . Would he tell her he was in love with her?
Just as they arrived at one of their last Destinations, Tom was shaking. Deciding whether or not he should tell her. He had booked something special at Coca Cola's London Eye, a place where tourists were going to be, especially now. But Tom had booked a private capsule and couldn't help but feel nervous.
“I've actually never been to the London Eye,” she admitted. "Never ... Never thought I had to."
"C'mon, really?" Tom laughed.
"Really," she chuckled as she rubbed her arms, hinting she was cold. Tom wrapped an arm around her as they were going to skip the 4d cinema.
“Thought your dad took you here,” Tom pointed out.
She chuckled. "We ... We were going to, but I fell asleep," she laughed. "So we ... we didn't."
Tom smiled. "It's beautiful, you're gonna love it," he declared. “Perfect way to say goodbye.”
“I thought we still had more stuff to do,” she chuckled.
"Yeah, we do ... But, you know," Tom gulped. “I hope this isn't too cheesy, it was the only package available, alright?”
And Tom knew y / n hadn't expected it. But Tom, as cheesy as it sounds, had booked the Cupid private capsule.
They were received by the host, who had definitely recognized Tom but tried to play it cool. They were served their glasses of champagne and y / n chuckled.
“I never thought my London Eye experience would be this luxurious,” she laughed.
“What, did you want to wait hours and then be stranded with a whole lot of people?” Tom asked.
Y / N shrugged. "Maybe, the real experience," she winked. “I'm kidding… This is… This is amazing.”
“Only the best for you,” Tom said.
Y / N looked at the host who was low-key freaking out by Tom. She approached Tom and laughed. "I'm gonna miss this."
Tom laughed. "What? Getting luxurious stuff? ”
“ No, idiot, though, ”she raised her eyebrows with a smug smirk. "No, I'm kidding, no, no-"
"Feeling like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman?" Tom laughed.
She rolled her eyes. "No," she sipped from her champagne. "That I know Tom Holland."
Tom frowned. “Leaving doesn't mean you won't know me.”
“No, I know, but… It's weird, you know?” She looked up at him. “Like…” She turned around as they were finally going up one step. “People freaking out because of you, all day people were taking pictures of us, or freaking out and fangirling and… Everyone sees that part of you, you know? The big movie Star. ”
Tom listened.
“And… for some others, mostly my college friends,” she rolled her eyes. “You were… you were this asshole or womanizer.”
Tom cleared his throat. “Not anymore.”
“You are to them,” she reminded him. “But to me… You… You are Tom. I know you, you know? ”
Tom bit his lip. "Yeah, I ... I guess you do."
"I mean, maybe I'm just ... Priding myself on it."
Tom grinned. “And you should.”
“And I should.”
But before they could continue talking, and / n stopped looking at him and finally turned around to see the city, and it took her breath away, with the lights and the stars and everything that was putting out a show for them. It was as if the city was bright only for them, as if they had to be there, together, enjoying the moment. Because this would remain in their memories forever.
Tom just wrapped an arm around her and didn't say anything. She needed to see London, she needed to see that she was meant to stay.
When they finished, they stayed at the lounge for a bit but decided to go to the car, y/n was still holding his hand.
“Tom?” She called for him as they were walking to the car.
"Yeah?" Tom looked at her. The city lights were reflecting on her like an angels glow.
“Thank you,” she said before stopping him, placing her hand on his chest. Tom gulped as he stared at the hand.
“No worries.”
“No, really, for everything, from… The day at the bridal shop, to… to the bridal shower, and today, really, today, I'm sure this is the best day of my life,” she gulped as she stared at him.
“I love you, y/n,” and he had said it. And he meant it and he hoped she had understood because the words had come out so easily yet it was too terrifying to say them again.
Before she could do anything else, she kissed him. Because that's what they had both been wanting to do all day long, all these years. And their kiss was sweet and soft and strong and intense and everything you can imagine from a first kiss, with flames and sparks and everything around, with all the cliché they say, with fireworks and music playing. Feeling like every time their lips touched again it was a new story that they both wanted to read. Like a poem, those which y/n loves to read. The kiss was everything and better than they had imagined.
And she separated first, but he reconnected his lips with hers, as if he was telling her everything he felt with the kiss, all that flame he felt inside, and as if with that kiss, he was apologizing for not having done it before. And he tasted it as if it were the most delicious dessert he had ever tasted. Without knowing it, he had lifted her off the ground while her hand caressed his face.
She pulled away again, and smiled, letting her head lean against his head. Tom felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. And a part of him knew, he was sure, she wouldn't leave London.
And it all made sense, why she hadn't taken her ring and why she'd let him take her hand all day, or why she had kept flirting, or why she would whisper to his ear. It had all led to this.
"Let's go to my place," he had said, because he wanted to spend every second with her. She laughed to herself as she looked down.
Tom thought she looked a little sad, but then she pecked his lips again, assuring him that everything was fine, that was what Tom understood, anyway.
Tom kept kissing Y / N's hand all the way. While she kept smiling. Tom was quiet. But it didn't mean things were wrong.
They got home, Tom had texted Haz to leave the building and let them be alone. As soon as Tom opened the door, y/n had thrown herself back into his arms, connecting their lips.
She pushed him against the wall while kissing him hungrily. Tom pulled away as he chuckled.
"C'mon, no, we've .. We've got time, let's ..."
Because even though he was dying to kiss every beauty spot on her body, he knew what to expect, he had to do Things right. He took her in his arms and laughed.
But she kept kissing him, tracing from his chin to his neck, Tom followed the game, because he wasn't dumb. He had waited too long to taste her lips, and he wouldn’t waste his time. And Tom kept tasting her lips, they reminded him of all the good times, like when they had given him the role of Spiderman, it wasn't even better. It was nectar that he did not want to stop tasting, his hands kept tracing her silhouette.
Little by little, their coats were bothering them. They ended up on the couch, where Tom dropped her gently while kissing her bristly skin, slowly but hungrily. He was outlining her body with his thumb as he stared at her. His index were brushing her, making y/n tickle.
“Y / N-- I--” Before Tom could say anything y / n was moulding her lips with his.
“Not now,” she said before pushing him back, her now on top. Tom felt as he was getting flustered, he blushed as he felt her smirk. Tom had never seen her like this. She just kept kissing him, each time more and fierier.
But then, she suddenly stopped.
Tom opened his eyes abruptly to see her, as she sat on his lap, defeated. Y / N just closed her eyes as she shook her head.
"This is wrong," she whispered.
"No, no, it ... it isn't," Tom said. “y/n, I...I've wanted this for a long time,” he admitted.
Y/N just cupped his face as tears were streaming down her face. “I...I know,” she gulped. “But I'm...I'm still an engaged woman,” she sobbed. “I…” She stood up. “What am I doing?”
Tom gulped. “I… It's okay, this can be slow, I understand,” Tom watched her.
“No, no, I…I should leave,” she said as she looked for her shoes and coat.
Tom followed her. “Y/N,” he looked her in the eyes. “Tell me this isn't what you've wanted all this time.”
Her eyes were shaking as she, defeatedly, looked down. Tom lifted her chin and then kissed her again. And she gave in.
Nothing else happened, really. It was a combination of them cuddling and kissing, and kissing again. Tom didn't try anything, and when y/n would start more intense, Tom would calm her. Knowing that he wanted to do things right. This wasn't a one night stand, this wasn't like all those women he'd been with before. This was the love of his life, and he was finally having the privilege of tasting her lips.
And they had ended up with hoodies and curled up on the couch, with a blanket over them, at the hours passed and passed. And suddenly, it was the am, and they had had conversations at dawn before, but this seemed different.
They didn't address their feelings, it would be condescending to. But they talked about their dreams and how she missed her dad and brother, how she wished they'd be there for her right now.
“I don't know what to do,” she admitted.
“You don't have to do anything,” Tom told her.
She sighed. “This means losing someone very important,” she declared.
“I know, but… It's better like this, tomorrow this won't matter,” Tom whispered.
And she cried again. And eventually, Tom had gently caressed her nose until she fell asleep. And Tom did, too. Because for the first time, he was holding her as something more.
Big was his surprise when he had seen he woke up without any warm body on top of him. He looked for her around the house but y/n was nowhere to be found. He called her and it sent him straight to voicemail. No answer.
He knew he had to give her time. But for him, even though there was no rush, he didn't want to take things slow. He had to continue kissing her and loving her.
But he needed to call her, they needed to talk.
He gave it until the afternoon when Haz arrived. He told him everything that had happened and Haz had cheered him. Haz said he understood, too, why y/n wasn't answering, he calmed him down, saying that she'd probably need time to think.
But they were already celebrating, he had stopped it. But he called her again, and it went straight to voicemail, yet again. He decided to call her mother, knowing it would be a little inappropriate but he wanted to know that she was fine.
“Hi, Anna!” Tom greeted her.
“Hi…”
“Hey, uh…”
“Oh, wait, thanks for yesterday, Tom, it was the best thing you could do for y/n,” her mother said over the phone.
Had she already told her mother? That was good news.
“Oh, right, right, I uh… had a great day,” Tom said with the biggest and dumbest smile on his face. “Is… y/n with you? She's not answering her phone and I need to talk to her,” Tom gulped.
“Oh, dear, she just boarded the plane like an hour ago, I thought you'd come by to say goodbye!” Anna said.
“She… she boarded the...What?” Tom couldn't understand what he was hearing.
“Yes, she already left! So we will see her in a few days! But there's still a lot of things to do for the wedding before we go, so we should-”
“She's… she's still getting married?” Tom asked.
Anna laughed. “Of course, Tom, ah you're always such a charmer, aren't you? Well, yes, she's---”
But Tom couldn't continue listening to her. He couldn't believe it.
Y/N was still going to get married.
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