#lmao i got tired while rendering this pic

[aejiee]

The real part 2 to celebrate 7k notes on the remus ass post 🥳🥳🥳

funnily enough, I didn't even focus on that while drawing but then every reblog and comment was about it 💀

[damelceri]

LONG Vent//rant

I wish I could've posted something special for the vtsom anniversary, it's such a special game for me but I couldn't get to finish the drawing for that day, not even for that week

I know I don't owe explanations, I'm not trying to "excuse" myself either, after all, art is something I do for fun and love, but it's exactly because of that that I want to share why I'm not able to post as much as I'd like to, I guess it's to get myself to understand what I've been doing and not feel as guilty for not being able to do everything all at once, I feel like this is a way of journaling

Last week was technically my last week of school; between exams and presentations and practices I didn't have time to even take care of myself or clean my workspace, it was a nightmare, I always try to have good grades but I hadn't realized I overworked my body to the limit until one morning my dad dropped me off school and when I was getting off the bike I collapsed to the floor from how tired I was (rmu victor style LMAO), thankfully it was only that one time but I'm still kind of sad that I got low grades on a few subjects

BUT HEY I GOT A PERFECT SCORE ON MY PRACTICES, YOU CAN TRUST ME WITH A SYRINGE BABYYY

Not everything was so bad though, that same week was my mom's birthday and i got her a cake

That same week, on Saturday I went to do social services to the beach and we got to see baby sea turtles

Just look at this lil baby!!!

But yeah, despite the good things that I'm so grateful I got to experience, my body is tired, I try to stay awake to make good use of my time but my body screams at me to lay down so I have no other option but to do so while I can

as of today I'm (finally!) on vacations although this past week I still had to go to school again to fill some papers and ask for other things and blah blah, but I'm technically free

Today I tried to practice coloring/rendering on digital because I never do that, and I think it's coming out really good

Even if I couldn't finish the anniversary art on time, I'll still like to finish it because I think it's a cute concept and I wouldn't want it to go to waste, although I'll do it after finishing this coloring practice, just so that it looks it's best

Here's how the practice coloring is coming out, I'm really proud of It because I always have trouble drawing hair that it's not just shapes and blobs

If ur still reading this, and I hope this wasn't a waste of time for you, (u even got a cute pic of a turtle!), either way, this was something I needed to share so thank you so much for sticking with me, ur the best :]

[dem-khuya]

03242019:2034

hello good evening. it has been busy and i haven’t had much time to write, so i’ll try to fit this one in before bed. lately it has been hard to sleep without taking melatonin. i keep thinking too much. i use it i guess to deaden whatever it is that creeps up on me in the evenings

this weekend we had the annual china leadership summit between two universities--mine and our ‘rival’ (it’s so dumb using tht word but i guess thts what they are). it was wonderful. tiring but really eye-opening experience

i took so many notes at the keynotes/seminars i attended. here are a couple that stood out, as well as what i’d like to remember from them: 

* joanna chiu. i really enjoyed hearing her reports on china, though i have a lot of mixed feelings towards her career trajectory. i am always quite skeptical of those who report heavily on chinese human rights violations, as if the west were a better example of human rights...hah. anyway. one important point she shared was never to underestimate the role of social media, even when it is barely considered “real” news. wechat is how she reached many ppl while she was in china as well as observed the downfall of various dissidents and activists. another interesting person she mentioned was a woman named hooligan sparrow, a woman who used viral images to attract attention to sexual assault/abuse of young women and girls. 

* lina benabdallah. one of my favorite, favorite talks. she spoke on china-africa relations. her opening question was “what first comes to your mind when you think about china-africa relations?” and obviously many people responded, “neo colonialism, debt traps, exploitation.” it was so funny because lmao as lhiftya said, it was truly the pot calling the kettle black. as if america and europe has never colonialized or exploited africa. : ) in any case, she spoke on china’s human resource contributions to african nations, esp. government scholarships, training seminars/workshops, employment opportunities, medicine...a lot of people were rendered speechless (mostly non-chinese hah hah hah!) because they honestly did not even consider those things. one of my favorite points she mentioned was that china thinks in the long-term with regards to its relationship to african countries, never the short-term, and is more willing to offer long-term help and aid and relationships...additionally their human resource contributions are what make them more favorable than western countries because. well. obviously. lol. really enjoyed her talk and will make a note to request her powerpoint because there were some invaluable statistics in there.

* matt turpin: i don’t like the guy. i also disagree with almost everything he talked about. but it was really interesting to learn more about how shitty us foreign policy was. he said that there were 3 main segments on US foreign policy in china: national security, human rights, as well as economy/commercial. the US believed that by prioritizing commercial/economic relationships with China, it would be able to coerce china into “improving” human rights and “becoming less of a security threat.” long story short, they only realized that they were wrong in 2013, and until now have not developed any new foreign policy towards china because china was proceeding in a direction that was not predictable by US/western standards (according to him, the US considered it a non-normative country, which is equivalent to...terrorist organizations lmfao. can you fucking believe?). other notes that he mentioned: spheres of influence (china respects their own) vs universal norms (obviously they are western norms), competitive approaches, military strength towards china...china becoming not normative but also not a non-normative power...etc. very funny stuff. insightful but quite...ruinous

* david wertime: wonderful...a great way to set the mood for our final day. he mostly emphasized the power of social media and reporting on china. idk what he does now but he was a prominent journalist for a long time, usually translating information from weibo before. he had such wonderful advice for us starting our careers--he said, we should select a career where our strengths are considered strengths, and not weaknesses. we should be in a job where we feel like we can “kick ass”. and he said, when making life-long decisions, always know that the negatives are perceivable in the present (should be written in pen) while the positives, while not predictable, can potentially greatly outweigh the negatives (should be written in pencil). everyone wrote those words down! he also wrote an article about a chinese-adoptee named “jenna cook”, who returned to wuhan to search for her birth parents. she didn’t find them, but she found over 50 mothers and fathers who had abandoned their own baby girls in the same bridge in wuhan, and wished that she was their daughter. i hope to read this story soon

* jessica teets: also wonderful. she reported on china’s ever expanding surveillance system, the social credit system, and xi jinping’s differences from his predecessors. i would also love the ppt on her work as well as recs for think tanks to potentially work at haha...i love the use of big data in china, and i really think the use of digital surveillance as a method of policing people is both scary and ... incredible. i will always admire that china will hold everyone accountable regardless if they are a normal citizen, an actor, a politician...everyone is the same before the law. obviously this is a gross exaggeration but the extent of which chinese government will go out of their way to enforce such methods against all people from walks of life is quite admirable. i hope that the social credit system improves, and that chinese government continues to improve in “fairness” (i’m tired so i’m keeping this short and somewhat incoherent)

afterwards i went out with jing to get onigiri and talked with her a lot...she mentioned something about the panama canal, which xi jinping was also involved in, but became censored in china later. the censorship in china is somewhat worrying. i’m not chinese so i have no other say in it except that. i really loved talking w jing and hope i can see her again soon. i met so many wonderful people and reconnected with great friends (mohit!!) and it was a good reminder to me that i must make time in my schedule to meet friends and spend time with them 

once the bus took jing back to her uni, an older man approached me asking if i knew where a piano recital was, i told him i didn’t but we went looking for it together and i wound up attending it. it was so wonderful...i love music concerts and i really liked meeting this stranger. we talked for a while. he told me a lot about his wife and it made me wonder if perhaps his wife passed away. one poignant thing he said was that he isn’t really a music or artistic person but his wife was and that was how he started attending concerts, buying art pieces. i liked him quite a lot. his name is ralph : ) i got his email and i hope i can send him pics of my taipei trip (he’s going to beijing in the fall!). 

all in all a good day but i’m feeling the emptiness coming back. lhiftya mentioned that i am probably depressed and you know what maybe she’s right. i’ve always ignored the possibility because i don’t have the same episodes as she does--i can relate to the deep hopelessness she feels but for me it goes away quickly so i never considered myself depressed but when i read my older diary entires it seems that such hopelessness never really does leave me. it goes away and it always, always comes back. how sad...i don’t know what will become of me but i hope that i can keep exercising and seeing friends and maybe i can finish out this year alive and half-healthy