#lmao I honestly had every intention but it was physically too painful for me

[vladamsandler]

Here’s that Áfram Latibær Mayor Milford Meanswell/Officer Obtuse (Lolli Lögga) fanfiction I promised the Succateers literally weeks ago.

OO: The BigTown boys were going to try to steal the cup, probably to sell it… but I caught them! MM: Well, it’s very unsportsmanlike to try to steal the cup. OO: Right! MM: It’s good that LazyTown has such a good policeman, Officer. OO: Yeah, I have even started working out. MM: Oh yeah? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Fuck The Police

Word count:1348

Milford smiles as he watches the LazyTown kids run off with the new national trophy to show Íþróttaálfurinn. He was so proud of them. They really turned things around for this town, working together to better themselves and restore the city’s reputation as a place for healthy, happy living.

He’s broken out of his thoughts by a hand slapping down onto his shoulder. He whirls suddenly but relaxes at the sight of that familiar big, bushy mustache. “Oh, Lolli, it’s just you.”

“Hey, Mayor! What a day, right?”

Milford chuckles and wraps his arm around his friend’s back, reciprocating the embrace. “I knew they had it in them all along. All it took was a little motivation by that friendly sports elf!”

“I’m just glad those BigTown boys were put in their place. Serves them right for trying to cheat like they did! Say, how ‘bout a pint to celebrate?”

“That sounds wonderful,” Milford responds with a warm smile. The two men start walking to the local pub in the dimming evening light. They remain in a half-embrace as they stroll together through the streets of LazyTown.

“You know, I really can’t thank you enough for capturing those thieves last night. I can’t imagine the disappointment on the kids’ faces if those BigTown boys had gotten away with that.”

“Oh, please, Milford. It’s my pleasure. I’m just doing my job, after all.”

They smile at each other affectionately and remain in a comfortable silence until they reach the pub. The men sit in the same booth they always sit at and order the same drinks they always order. It’d become somewhat of a tradition between them, sitting together at the pub, drinking beer and whatnot. Their friendship has grown over the years in this booth. Its scratched table and worn seats hold memories of laughter and tears, conversations of joy and comfort bringing the two friends closer and closer everytime they share a drink here together.

Officer Obtuse removes his tight hat after the waitress replaces their empty beer glasses with a second round, and rubs his eyes with a tired sigh. Milford smiles watching him run his fingers through his hair with his head propped up on one hand. “You’ve really been working out?” he asks, genuinely curious.

The officer blushes and takes a swig of beer. “Yeah, I started running again.” He smiles watching the bubbles rise in his drink.

“Oh yeah? That’s great!” Milford pushes his glasses up and takes a sip of beer himself.

The officer looks up with a shy grin. “You should join me sometime!”

Milford frowns at the words. “Yeah, I know should start working out again… The excitement of the past couple of days has made me realize just how out of shape I’ve become.”

Officer Obtuse’s eyes widen and he sputters, “NO, I didn’t mean it like that Milford!” The mayor looks up at him with a small frown. “I just meant, that uh, it would be a good excuse to hang out a little more often…” he rubs his face. What is he saying? “All we ever do together off the clock is sit around drinking beer. I thought maybe we could try doing something healthy together for once, just like what Íþróttaálfurinn showed everyone…” He blushes at his rambling. This beer is hitting his system sooner than it normally does.

Milford smiles at his other friend. “I’d like that.”

They chat away the hours, discussing the events of the competition and reminiscing about the good ole days as they get woozy on the alcohol. Milford is interrupted in the middle of recounting his first day in office by a loud voice over at the bar. The two men in the booth turn to look at some drunkard harrassing the staff with deep frowns.

“BigTown would’ve won if it weren’t for that stupid elf! He meddled with competition, I know he did!”

The man sways in his seat and leans over the counter to point at the barman.

“You LazyTowners are a bunch of no-good cheaters!”

Officer Obtuse turns back to address Milford, “Looks like someone’s had a little too much to drink. I’ll take care of this.”

Milford watches in concern as his friend gets up from the booth and sways in the direction of the ruckus. The officer never seems to let himself remain off the clock for very long, always insisting on fulfilling his duty to protect the town citizens even in such a situation as this, when he’s obviously just as impaired as this disgruntled drunkard. Milford stands to move behind his friend, not trusting that the impending altercation would resolve itself without his intervention.

“Alright buddy, let’s pack it up. You’ve had enough for tonight,” Officer Obtuse announces, gripping the drunkard’s shoulder.

“Get off me you dirty, lying LazyTowner!” the drunkard barks, swaying backwards in his seat to shove the hand off his arm gruffly.

“Hey now, that’s Officer dirty, lying LazyTowner to you, mister!” Officer Obtuse blinks heavy eyes under a furrowed brow, waving a finger at the other man. “That’s right pal! I have the authority to remove you from this premises if you don’t care to take your own leave!” The threat would’ve been more intimidating without the slurring.

Milford rubs his eyes for a moment before stepping forward to stand between his drunk friend and the man standing up from the bar.

“You tryin’ start something with me, cheater?? You rotten pigs ain’t got nothin’ on BigTown!” The drunkard pushes up his sleeves and takes a step forward.

“Now, now, everybody just calm down,” Milford pleads, holding his hands up. “I’m sure we can all resolve this in a calm, peaceful manner like the adults we all are.”

His words are stopped by a suckerpunch to the nose.

The barman hops quickly over the counter to restrain the drunkard as Officer Obtuse starts yelling. Milford hisses and holds his face, grabbing onto the nearest booth seat with a pained grimace. He accepts the napkins pressed into his hand by a friendly onlooker and maneuvers himself into a sitting position on the seat as the other men wrestle the drunkard out of the bar with a cacophony of shouting.

Soon after, the bar is quickly cleared out by the aggravated owner except for the mayor and the officer. Milford sits in the hallway behind the bar with his head tilted back against the wall, pressing a cloth napkin full of melting ice cubes against his swollen nose. At least the bleeding had been mild.

“Ugh, god.” Officer Obtuse stands nearby, shaking his head. He rubs his eyes and takes another sip of water. “I am so sorry about this, Milford.”

The mayor chuckles. “Just another day on the force, huh? Really, it’s fine. Not your fault.”

“Let’s see now?”

Milford removes the icepack and blinks up at the man leaning over him. He hisses slightly when the officer carefully presses his fingers against the bridge of his nose.

“Well, it doesn’t appear to be broken.” Officer Obtuse sighs. “Oh, here. I found these on the floor.” He tucks the mayor’s glasses into the front pocket of his shirt.

“Thank you,” Milford says quietly with an amused smile. He looks up again at the concerned look in the officer’s eyes and laughs, “You know, I think maybe you’re right about us finding some other way to spend our off-duty hours. Perhaps this was all a sign that the two of us have outgrown this kind of passtime.”

Officer Obtuse smiles and pushes the mayor’s hair back off his forehead with gentle fingers. “Yeah, Milford, you could be right about that.”

The mayor smiles affectionately at his friend. “I’d be happy to go work out with you, Lolli, but… You know you don’t need to come up with some excuse to spend time with me, don’t you?”

Officer Obtuse blushes and looks down at the floor with a small smile, shuffling his feet.

Milford stands with a laugh and holds the officer by the chin. “C'mon, brave man. Let’s head on home.” He pecks him on the cheek and wraps an arm around his shoulders.

They hold each other as they exit the pub and laugh about the excitement of the night as they stroll together again through the quiet streets of LazyTown.

~

[lavenderjacobs]

fluff alphabet - Sapnap

➳ wc; 2,1K (she’s a long one lol)  ➳ pronouns; gender neutral<3 ➳ song reccomendation; heart eyes - coin

A=Attractive (What do they find most attractive in a partner?)

nick’s an ass guy and you can’t convince me otherwise. he’s also just loves your thighs and your stomach. he loves how soft your skin is, and how good you smell. whenever he’s sad he just rests his head on your stomach while you tangle you fingers in his hair. 

B=Best memory (Their favourite memory of you)

he cherishes your first kiss so much. he just has such a soft spot for that memory. the moment he finally found out you felt the same about him, the moment he finally found out what your lips against his felt like. it’s just something he had looked forward to for forever, and to him, it was perfect. 

C=Cuddles  (What type of cuddles do they like?)

sapnap is a WHORE for cuddles. if it where up to him, you two would just lay in bed all day, tangled in each other’s arms. after a long day, he just wants to hold his favourite person and fall asleep with them, so he just wraps his arms around your waist while he uses your chest as a pillow. but if he’s in a chatty mood, he’ll just talk your ears off, ranting about something he finds interesting, while you’re all snuggled up in the crook between his neck and shoulder. 

D=Dirty mind (Do they have a dirty mind?)

I mean, come on. it’s sapnap. we all know he does. he gets *excited* very easily, which can sometimes get in the way when you two are just trying to cuddle. he just has such a soft spot for your body and has to have his way with you once certain ideas have entered his mind. 

E=Effort (How much effort do they put in the relationship?)

nick would definitely try his best. honestly you don't care if his plans actually turn out the way he intented them to, it's the thought that counts. and nick knows that. but theres just something about you that makes him want to spoil you and treat you like a princess. so prepare yourself for fancy dates, him making you your favorite food, all that type of stuff.

F=First date (What was your first date together)

arcade date arcade date arcade date. sap is super competitive and I feel like he would thrive in an arcade. he would play it off like he was just trying to proof how good he was at the arcade games. but he'd just love to see how hard you would be trying to beat him. obviously he'd let you win a lot, and when he collected enough tickets, he would get you the biggest prize he could find.

G=Gentle (How gentle are they with you?)

it....depends???? lmao. nick CAN be super gentle with you, he’s pretty protective of you and would never want you to get hurt, so he’s definitely very careful not to do anything to hurt you. but sometimes his instinct just kinda takes over and well, he can get pretty rough. 

H=Hands (Do they have nice hands?)

hmmm nick has like,,very manly hands,, if you know what i mean. i dont know, they're just so rough but yet so pretty??? and they're like really big compared to yours so when he holds ur hand, yours looks so tiny in his. and omg he won't shut up about it. "LOOK AT YOUR HANDS THEY'RE SO SMALL🥺"

I=Impression (What was their first impression?)

he just thought you were so ~cool~. like he immediately knew he wanted to be your friend. he was just so in awe of how funny, chill and charismatic you were. and it literally took two days for him to develop a crush on you. his friends would notice this right away and tease him about it so much omg.

J=Jealousy (Do they get jealous often? If so what do they do?)

YUP. nick gets jealous so easy yup yup yup. jealousy, protectiveness, possessiveness, you name it. you two would often get in fights about this, but most of the time you would just think it’s cute how riled up he gets. he doesn’t get mad at you (because you’re his precious little baby and can do no wrong in his eyes :D) but god help the souls of whoever tries to flirt with you, because they’ve got a hell of a storm coming.

K=Kisses (What type of kisses do they like/give?)

god nick’s such a passionate kisser. or at least he can be lol. he loves the way your face fits into his hands, and how soft your lips are. so he definitely is a fan of just some wholesome passionate kisses. but damn this man gets sloppy when he wants to. his lips constantly trails off to your jaw, neck and collar bones.

L=Love  (Do they show their love?)

i feel like his love language would be like a mix between words of affection and physical touch??? he’s definitely very verbal with his love for you. he doesn’t shy away from saying i love you or letting you know how much he appreciates you in any other way.

M=Memory: (Their favourite memory in general?)

there are certain moments where nick just sits back, watches, and realizes how amazing his life is. and how grateful he is to have you. for example, you were playing minecraft on his pc, and your house kept getting blown up by creepers, he found it adorable how mad you got every time. he just watched you play, while sitting on his bed. after a while, you looked over at him, and caught him staring. “what?” you asked after letting out a soft chuckle. he felt like he was gonna explode from how much he loved you. 

N=Nickname  (What nicknames do they call you?)  

i’m getting very strong “baby” and “doll” vibes from nick. he loves baby-ing you and smothering you with other loving nicknames. just any petnames that show how much he loves you he’s all for. he would also love calling you “pretty” or “beautiful” for obvious reasons. 

O=Over  (What happened the one time you ‘broke up’?)

nick HATES fighting with you, but once you two get into an argument he can get pretty carried away. he’s definitely the type to let his emotions get the upper hand on him. raising his voice a lot, stuff like that. but the second you leave to get some space he just breaks down. sliding down the wall and resting his face in his hands, just letting all the emotions out. he never meant to hurt you. when you came back to him, ready to be enclosed in his arms again, he had a hard time letting you back in. he just felt like he didn’t deserve you after he treated you like this. it took some convincing, but once you broke down his walls again, it was like he gave you all the love in his body. just smothering you with “i’m sorry”s and kisses. 

P=Parents (What would they be like as a parent?)

dilfnap dilfnap dilfnap  omg he’d be such a good dad. like just very caring and loving, but also strict and stern when he needs to be. he’d constantly be telling stories to the kids about the absurd adventures him and his friends would get into, and omg the dad jokes he’d make. idk maybe it’s my daddy issues but dad sapnap lives in my mind rent free. 

Q=Quirk (Something special about them)

he loves holding your hand. especially in public. if you’re in a crowded space, he just holds onto you very tightly as not to lose you. or if you two are just going on a walk together, his hands would just feel so warm and soft around yours. and omg he loves it when his hands are in his pockets, and you put your hands in there with him, and intertwine your fingers with his. hmmm he gets so soft when you do that.

R=Romantic (How romantic are they?)

i- uh- I MEAN HE WOULD TRY he really would, and again, that’s all that matters. I feel like he would be the type to try to prepare a whole surprise dinner, he would cook all the food himself, he would set the table all cute, with candles and shit, but just completely ruin the surprise by accidentally giving it all away by saying something or just behaving very obviously suspicious. 

S=Sad (What are they like when they’re sad?)

he just gets really quiet. he would never want to bother you or be a pain in the ass by complaining to you. but obviously you notice when something is wrong with ur bby boy. a sentence like “are you okay?” or “what’s wrong?” would immediately send him over the edge, burying his face in your chest, trying his best to supress his sobs. but he eventually calms down, and once he does, he’s able to just rant to you about whatever is bothering him.

T=Together (What are they like when you’re together?)

i feel like it would really depend on his mood, like he could be either SUPER chill, just wanting to savour the time you two had together. or he could be really hyper, constantly talking, wanting to do all kinds of activities with you. he’d be the literal definition of :D

U=Understanding (How understanding and empathetic are they?)

very. i just get such empathetic vibes from him. he’s such a good listener and he’ll just listen to you talk whenever you have something to be upset about. he never invalidates your feelings and omg he’d give the best advice. 

V=Value (What do they value most about the relationship?)

he loves that he can 100% be his self around you. there’s no part of his personality that he feels like he has to hide, or tone down, whenever he’s with you. you also aspire him to be his best self, he just wants to be the best boyfriend in the world. all his friends have noticed this too, you bring out the best in him.

W=Wedding (Would they want marriage? If so what would they like?)

eh. if you’re a person who really values marriage, he’d 100% do it for you. but it’s not like he HAS to. he gets a bit scared by the idea of this whole big event, where everything is about you two, he would way rather celebrate the love you two have in the comfort of your own home, just the two of you. the one thing he would love about a wedding, would be seeing you all dolled up, walking down the aisle, omg he’d be the proudest man ever to be able to call you his.

X=X-Ray (How well can they read you?)

the SECOND you start to feel sad or depressed in any way, nick notices immediately. he knows you better than anybody else, and he knows exactly what to do to cheer you up. it’s like his superpower. if you’re feeling anxious he’ll just wrap his arms around you really tightly, holding on to you until you calm down. and when you’re sad, and in need for something to cheer you up, he’ll take you outside for a walk in the park, or he’ll just sit in bed with you, watching your favourite show. 

Y=Yuck (What they would never want in a partner)

he hates when you flirt with his friend, even when you’re very obviously joking. his jealous ass can’t deal with that lmao. he also gets super pissed when his friends make flirtatious jokes towards you, they know how much it gets on his nerves and that’s really the only reason they do it. but omg he gets so pissed when it happens. 

Zzz (How do they sleep around you?)

nick would be the cutest sleeper ever omg. he doesn’t like to admit it, but he loves being little spoon. he loves resting his head on your chest, while you play with his hair, patiently waiting for him to fall asleep. 

[bokutosbubblebutt]

A little help

from us students

- Since Sensei Y/N joined team 7, the three students noticed that their usual teacher behaved a bit weird, weirder than normal! So they assumed that Kakashi had a little crush on their new teammate and they tried everything to help him out

Pairing: Kakashi x fem!reader

Words: 2540

Genre: fluff, a bit 16+

- a/n: This was fr so much fun to write and I‘m honestly really proud if it lmao

—————————————

„Okay, guys! We need to talk!“ Sakura sat down next to Naruto and Sasuke. The three we’re eating ramen together after their training session with Sensei Kakashi and Sensei Y/N.

„I was watching him now for a really long time and I came to the conclusion that Sensei Kakashi has a crush on Sensei Y/N!“ she said and ordered some ramen with pork.

„Hu? What do you mean, Sakura?“ Naruto asked confused and raised one of his eyebrows. Even Sasuke turned his head and started to think about it.

„Haven’t you noticed? He’s been acting really weird the last few weeks since she joined us. Well, weirder than usual.“ - „I noticed that he doesn’t read his book when she’s with us.“ - „Yeah, and when we have training with her, he’s always on time, sometimes even earlier.“ - „And when we had this fight with the rain Ninjas, he had a nose bleed after that even though he didn’t got hit.“

„But when I think about it, Y/N likes him too, in my opinion.“ Naruto said and put his chopsticks down. „She’s always with him! Since she joined us, you barely see them alone.“

„They even do personal training with each other, although they are both extremely strong!“ - „And she’s always laughing at his jokes!“

„I remember Sensei Guy eyeing them and he made some weird facial expressions towards Kakashi when we met him.“ Sasuke laughed and drank the left over soup.

„Thats it! It’s obviously that they like each other! Everyone notices that but not themselves.“

„We could help them out a little bit? I think they are pretty cute together and Sensei Kakashi just needs a girlfriend. Maybe he will stop reading these weird books!“ Sakura suggested and looked at her teammates. They all agreed on doing that and started to make some plans on how to get them together.

-Plan 1-

It was a casual trainings day and everyone did their own personal exercises. Sensei Kakashi and you were watching over the three, gave them tips and helped them out. Everything was normal and you all minded your own business.

Naruto was standing on a tree he just walked up with chakra in his feet. „Y/N! Look I made it!“ he screamed over to you and you just threw a thumbs up at him.

„Good Job! Now try to walk down again!“

That was the signal for the first plan they came up with. Now it’s was Narutos job to bring you up on the tree. „Uhm, Y/N Sensei! Can you please help me a bit? I‘m scared that I fall.“ he screamed down to you and tried to make a nervous face.

„I think you should try it on your own Naruto! I believe in you!“ - „But I‘m scared that I fall on my face! You probably don’t want me to get into the hospital, do you?“

Annoyed you rolled your eyes and walked up on that tree to the student. He simply thanked you and then made his first step downwards. „See? You can do it! You have nothing to worry about.“

Naruto casually walked down the tree and looked over to Sakura and Sasuke. The girl was training to put a certain amount of chacra in her Kunias with which she simply can hurt her enemies and paralyze them, a special technique she wanted to learn from Sensei Y/N.

You were about to walk the tree down as well right after Naruto. Kakashi was sitting on the ground and watching you doing this simple task.

Sakura was about to throw one of the chacra knives at a dummy but suddenly Sasuke screamed her name. Of course, this was all planed and the little girl stopped paying attention to where she was throwing the knife and looked over to her teammate. Sakura threw the kunai ”accidentally“ in your direction and managed to hit both of your ankles.

Since this technique caused paralyzed body parts and prevented the chacra flow in some certain areas, both of your feet turned numb and you weren’t able to concentrate chacra to walk down the tree. Slowly your feet started to slide and you fell. With a scream you expected to hit the hard ground and break your bones but this didn’t happen.

You fell into two strong arms which catched you bridal style in the right moment. Immediately your cheeks turned bright red and you tried to avoid eye contact with Kakashi, who catched you. He just stood there and smiled slightly. „Th-,Thank you.“ you stuttered and covered your eyes with your arm.

Kakashi looked down at you and scanned your facial features. Once again he noticed how pretty and cute you were. Slowly he sat you down to check your ankles.

„Oh my god! I‘m so sorry, Sensei Y/N! I‘m so sorry, it’s all my fault!“ Sakura tried to make it look like an accident and apologized immediately. Sasuke and Naruto gave each other a secret high five and then walked up to their teachers with a faked concerned look.

„Dont worry! At least you got it right. It’s wasn’t a big amount of chacra anyways.“ you said and tried to brush it off.

„Next time you better pay attention to where are you throwing your kunai!“ Kakashi warned her and then slightly touched the cut on your feet. The bandage, which was tied around your ankles, was covered in blood and a slight cut was visible. „Does it hurt? Can you move them?“ he asked and put one of his hands on your thigh.

„I can’t feel anything in them, they are numb.“ you answered and massaged the bridge of your nose.

„Kakashi, I think you have to carry her to the hospital when she can’t walk!“ - „Yeah, I guess I have to do that!“ Both of you just looked at each other and blushed. Carefully he placed one arm under your knees and the other on your back. His left hand rested on your hip and pulled you close.

They probably would never admit it but they secretly liked it how close they were to each other. The physical contact wasn’t uncomfortable, more like the opposite and they enyojed each others touch.

-Plan 2-

A week later your ankles were completely healed and you could move them normally again. Now it was time for their second plan, which was well, less painful.

The friends noticed that Kakashi visited you almost every day and brought you flowers. When you got released it was time for the second part.

You five were walking trough the village and talked to each other. „Uhm, Sensei Y/N! We wanted to invite you for dinner as an apologize and we will pay, together.“ Sakura said shyly and hit Naruto slightly in the side. He just nodded and agreed to what she said.

„You don’t have to. It’s okay“ you simply answered and smiled. „We won’t take a no! And we are already here.“ Sasuke threw in and walked towards the restaurant.

It was their favorite ramen noodle shop and Sasuke hold up the sheet for the others. „Hmm, when we are already here.“

Quickly the three picked their seats and made a gap for their senseis so they had to sit next to each other. Normally you sat down and put your hands on the table.

The nice lady took your order and then they started to make your food. As always you ordered ramen with lots of veggies and your favorite drink.

„Do you know what our next mission is going to be? Hopefully something cool, I wanna see Sensei Y/N fighting again!“ Naruto laughed and looked over to Kakashi. Naruto sat besides you and Sasuke sat next to Kakashi.

„Yeah, she is really good, right Kaksahi? The way she does her genjutsu is amazing.“ Sakura mentioned and smiled at their Senseis.

„Hu? Uhm, yeah! I-, I also think your fighting skill is pretty good. It’s, uhm, nice to watch you.“ Kakashi stuttered and tried to hide that he was blushing.

Finally the soup was ready to eat and you all started seating silently. Suddenly Naruto reached over to Sasuke with the intention to get a towel to clean his face.

Accidentally he managed to push against your arm and make you spill your drink all over yourself. Now your shirt and pants were soaking wet and it felt disgusting.

„Oh my god! I‘m sorry Sensei Y/N! I‘m so sorry!“ he started to apologize and looked shocked at you. Sasuke and Sakura gave each other a little high five and just giggled a bit.

Annoyed you looked at your student and then at your wet disgusting clothes. „It’s okay, just be careful next time!“ You tried to brush it off.

Kakashi asked the nice Lady for a towel and she gave it to him. „Wait, let me help you.“ he said and started to gently pet the towel on your wet clothes to dry them a bit.

Carefully he pat it on your torso and on your boobs. You didn’t even realized it at first what he did because you just thanked him for helping you but after a while you noticed the gentle touches. Your face turned bright red and you tried to cover it with your hands. „Th-, thank you!“ you stuttered and looked away. „This is so embarrassing.“

„I can give you my jacket!“ he offered and immediately took it off, although you haven’t answered yet. Now he just sat there with a tshirt and his mask. Slightly he threw it over you and closed it for you. Again you thanked him quietly and smiled.

His jacket smelled good. It smelled like him. Not what you expected, even better what you expected. He smelt like the forest after a rainy day and a hint of wet dog. Maybe he had washed his dogs while wearing it.

-Plan 3-

Your team planned instead of training to do a day off and just hang out and spend some time together. And the tree students had the idea to relax a bit and go to the public bath together.

„You are really exited, aren’t you?“ you giggled because the three rushed immediately into the building. Together you and Kakashi paid for their bath and said „see you later“ to each other since the bathes were separated into men and women sections.

While humming a little melody, you took off your clothes and wrapped a towel around your body. After that you went outside and made your way to the hot bath. You didnt even look in which part you went because you knew the women bath was right and the men bath was left. Suddenly Sasuke stopped you.

This was their third plan.

„Uhm, Y/N Sensei, this is the men bath you are walking in!“ he said and pointed towards the sign. A little figure which looks like a boy was on it. „I think they changed it, I almost walked into the girls bath.“

„Oh! Thank you, Sasuke.“ you smiled and looked at the sign again. Weird, you thought but went through the other door.

Little did you know that they changed the signs before you could walk in. Kakashi went into the right bath and then they changed it. Exited the looked trough a little hole to see what happens.

„If this doesn’t work, than they are both too stupid. A better plan doesn’t exist“ naruto laughed.

Unbothered you walked into the bath, dropped your towel halfway through and threw it over a stone. Slowly you walked into the water and let your body react to the hot steamy atmosphere around you. The hot water hugged your body and relaxed you sat down and finally closed your eyes.

After a while you opened them again and looked around. Where is Sakura?

Quietly you heard a embarrassed male voice which cleared his throat. „Uhm, Y/N, I think you are in the wrong bath room.“ he said calmly and slightly smiled at you amused.

„Oh, fuck! Kakashi!“ you screamed and pulled your legs closer to hide your body. Why does this always happen to you?

„Don’t worry, I haven’t seen anything.“ he said and tried to avoid eye contact with you. His hair was down and he didn’t wear his mask. That was probably the first time you saw his full face and, and he was beautiful and hot. You have fantasized about how he looks several times and this just topped your expectations. He was really attractive.

„But, but even Sasuke told me that I have to go in here.“ you whined and tried to hide your bright red face in your knees. This was so embarrassing!

„Dont worry, it’s not like that I don’t know how a female body looks.“ he giggled and slowly swum into your direction. With distance he placed himself next to you and quickly scanned your body.

You were beautiful in his opinion. Your skin looked so soft and the little rolls your stomach formed, were adorable. The wet hair and your blushed skin caused him to not taking his eyes from you.

„You don’t have to hide your body.“ he calmly said and grabbed your chin to make you look into his face. „I-, I think you are really pretty, Y/N. And I’ve liked you since the first day you joined us.“

„You, you really do?“ you asked and looked into his blushed face. Slightly he nodded and then started to pull your face closer to his.

Finally it’s happening.

At first he gave you a gentle kiss, just a little one to make sure you were into it. After that he smiled and pulled you closer again. This kiss was way more exiting and got heated pretty quickly. Slowly he placed his hand on your waist right under your boobs.

After a minute you pulled away and you smiled but immediately started to laugh at him. „Kakashi, you got a nose bleed!“ - „Oh shit! It’s quite a long time ago since I kissed someone.“ he giggled and tried to make it stop.

~Time skip~

After you two spent sometime together in the bath and talked about the last few things that happened you went outside to face your students.

„Okay! First of all, that was evil and very inappropriate! We are really disappointed and you three will get cleaning duty!“ Kakashi said and looked down at his students.

„We‘ve noticed that you three were acting really weird in the last few weeks and now you have to tell us. Of course it wasn’t an accident that Naruto pushed me and Sakura "accidentally" threw her knives at me! Explain!“ you wanted to know angrily and crossed your arms in from if your chest.

The three looked at each other and then finally they explained everything to you. „We noticed that Kakashi might has a crush on you Y/N Sensei! And, and we know that he is, well, a bit stupid when it comes to girls and love in general.“ Sakura started to tell the story. „And so we decided to help you a bit with that and made these plans.“

„And we guess it worked out, right?“ Naruto smirked.

Masterlist

[sendnotes]

books i read in april.

this is going to be my thing from now on. i'll compile a list of all the books i read in a month and share my thoughts on each one every end of the month.

just so you know, i'm a little forgetful, and i have a tendency to forget names, plots, and other details. i'm hoping that writing these will aid my memory in recalling how i felt about each novel.

you can also find me on goodreads

so, let’s begin, shall we?

101 essays that will change the way you think (wiest, brianna)

self-help book

this book got off to a good start! some of the essays written (or should i say a collection of articles originally published on the thoughtcatalog website) made me think and consider my outlook on life, love, and so on.

the title overstates the case though. when i think of an essay, i picture something more argumentative and philosophical. not to mention that the majority of the ideas in this book are redundant. it made it difficult to get through. nonetheless, i was able to get past it because there were so many fantastic concepts and topics discussed.

overall, it's an interesting & worthwhile read for those who enjoy thinking outside the box.i lost count of how many times this book gave me aha moments. i swear, most of the entries soothed my mind and provided a great pick-me-up when life seemed to be frustrating.

the midnight library (haig, matt)

science fiction, fantasy fiction, psychological fiction

regrets, self-remorse, what ifs, family approval, drugs, dreams, love, passion, hatred, death, afterlife, multiverses, quantum physics, and a plethora of possibilities packed into a 304-page book.

i'll be honest: this book is already on my list of favorites. i'm simply blown away by how well-crafted and diverse the entire story unfolded.

a sci-fi novel with a dash of fantasy and a smidgeon of philosophy. if that's your thing, you should give this book a shot.

the first few pages of the book gave me an impression and led me to surmise it was going to be a cheesy ass chick lit novel that i'd only read and find enjoyable in high school. i was completely off base. it proved to be very mature, full of lessons, but delivered in a fun and entertaining manner— exactly my cup of tea.

it reminded me of a disney pixar film called soul, in which the afterlife is depicted in vivid detail. they differ on so many levels, but they both imagine life after death for people who are unsure of their path, purpose, and passion.

every chapter served a significant concept, so this book is well-deserved of a 5-star rating!

norwegian wood (murakami, haruki)

fiction, romance novel, bildungsroman

as i read the book and neared the end, all i could think about was how this book became one of murakami's most popular and influential works.

murakami offers a sprawling glimpse into the lives of a group of severely damaged youths grappling with the realities of what emptiness entails. take what you will from it.

i know a lot of people like it, which is fine. but please keep in mind that this book hit me square in the gut. it alternated between making me angry, sad, annoyed, and disgusted almost constantly. there isn't much else.

this book should come with a warning: "this is not a good place to start if you're new to murakami's works. this is not a representative of murakami's brilliance."

fist and foremost, the characters in this book are all repulsive.

toru watanabe was a fuckboy and a softboy rolled into one. what could possibly be worse than that? he'd have as many casual sexual partners as he could while also buttering a girl up by appealing to her emotions and displaying a "sensitive" and "vulnerable" side.

this book was made even more depressing by the fact that each female character was needy, weak, dysfunctional, and dependent. since they're all the same, i'm not going to go over each of these female characters one by one. you already get the idea.

reiko ishida, imo, was one of the best rendered sections of the novel. most likely because she had a better grasp on her emotions and goals than the still seeking youths... until, *spoiler alert* she wanted to do it with toru as well. a big disappointment.

to summarize, this book is primarily concerned with two topics: sex and death.

hidden meanings are everywhere, but when you get to the core, that's all that remains.

the four agreements: a practical guide to personal freedom (ruiz, miguel)

self-help book

first agreement ⏤ be impeccable with your word

this essentially means that you should not spew gossip or use words to harm others. because words have tremendous power and can cause significant harm. you are not only negatively affecting others with your hateful and thoughtless words, but you are also hurting yourself. this is something with which i generally agree. how i see it, when people are unhappy with themselves, they turn to others to make themselves feel better. as a result, they gossip about others in order to divert attention away from themselves.

second agreement ⏤don't take anything personally

alright. sure. don't let what others say about you bother you. it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. well, i don't entirely agree, but i think it's a fantastic idea in general. however, achieving this goal will be extremely difficult. i believe it would take a lot of practice to reach this level of zen. plus, i honestly believe that other people's opinions still matter because they keep you in check. the best advice is to not be swayed by these opinions, but to consider why they were expressed in the first place. see what you can do to improve yourself from there. sure, it can be difficult to deal with; after all, no one likes being told they're wrong or whatnot. but it's not all bad news because you can sometimes use criticism and judgment to give you a competitive edge. i mean- don't you think hearing someone else's point of view is also an opportunity to learn and progress? ruiz should have stressed that it's not just about "not taking it personally because you know you're not that person," but also about not retaliating with an extreme knee-jerk reaction even if you believe you're being unfairly criticized.

third agreement ⏤ don't make assumptions

this is a real eye-opener for me. i've noticed that whenever i become enraged by someone's words, it's usually due to my tendency to assume. personally, i can't help but make assumptions. i don't know what other people's motivations are, and i can't help but draw conclusions based on the information i have. even if the other person had no intention of causing me harm, it's too late. the thought has become ingrained in my mind, and i never ask for clarification out of pride or fear of appearing overly sensitive.

fourth agreement ⏤ always do your best

this section did not seem particularly useful to me. i mean, aren't we all reminded of this all the time? this section is filled with sloppy writing, in my opinion. as if he badly wanted to finish the book and impulsively thought: "okay, fourth agreement: always do your best. that should suffice. lmao"

overall opinion: the third agreement was my favorite, but the rest were a no-go. don't get me wrong, i appreciated his ideas, but i've heard them all a hundred times before. basically, the book's sole takeaway is that we are all suffering in some way in our daily lives, and we are all dealing with different issues. regardless, we all need to be kinder and gentler to ourselves and others.

the song of achilles (miller, madeline)

romance novel, historical Fiction, war story

i'll keep it short and sweet:

i really wouldn't have had this book any other way. miller's writing is breathtaking, so rich and full of lovely detail. it's incredibly a unique concept to me that authors are rewriting such ancient history and stories to make them lgbt+!

some suggest it's tedious, but i disagree. it isn't slow; rather, it is just right.

'cause at the end of the day, it's not about war, tragedy, or heroes - it's a slow-burning, organic love tale between two young men and their inevitable connection.

it's sad, tender, and painful, but in the best way possible.

circe (miller, madeline)

novel, historical fiction, fantasy fiction

"greek mythology, but with a feminist twist"?! sign me the hell up! this piqued my interest... only to leave me feeling completely let down. seriously now. circe was described as a "badass empowered woman," which was the single most compelling selling point for me, and thus the most wrenching disappointment, i must say.

sure, it demonstrated the value of feminine power, but it also did represent how this power can be a force of good or evil.

not to mention the fact that circe fucked a married man or two in this book- i mean- how is that an ~empowered woman~?

let's be clear right off the bat: madeline miller's follow-up to the song of achilles is epic in scope but not necessarily in execution. to me, this read more like a tedious island tale. regardless of how many five-star reviews this book has received... i just don't think it's well-deserved. don't get me wrong here. miller is a fantastic author with a lush writing! istg- i'm blown away by how beautifully she wrote and carefully chose her words. even the most mundane phrases were written poetically. after-all, it’s greek mythology. but how did she manage to make circe seem so... bland?

[comradeclown]

OK, so in honour of my top posts now being me saying at various degrees of length that Arthur is gay (hashtag mylegacy, lmao…), I thought I should just go for it and actually dive in a bit a lot into why I read the character as gay. Now, usually all the justification I need to read a character as gay is “wouldn’t it be cool if this character I like/relate to/etc were gay like me?” and “it’s OK, officer, I do what I want”, and I’m well aware that 99% of the time it’s me using my own creativity to do a resistant reading + the film/book/whatever bumbling into subtext entirely by accident. And while I definitely don’t think there’s ever any more justification needed for any kind of LGBT reading, lol, as it comes to Arthur, obviously feel free to disagree with me, but I honestly think my read of him as a gay man is entirely textually supported, however unwitting and accidental that might have been on the part of the filmmakers (mind you, I don’t think it was Todd Phillips’ conscious intent, but I’m like… 85% sure Joaquin Phoenix knew exactly what he was doing).

(ETA that this is extremely long, so I’ve put it all under a cut.)

First of all, there’s of course… pretty much the entirety of Joaquin Phoenix’s performance (a very, very small sample can be found in my he gay son tag and just generally in my arthur fleck tag, ha), from his mannerisms to his physicality to the way he interacts with other characters. I know part of it is a function of wanting to go back to the character’s campy roots (which are themselves… you know…), and I know I’m relying on stereotypes to some extent, but first of all, you can’t divorce either camp or gender non-conformity from LGBT history and existence, and secondly this is literally how characters have been coded as gay throughout the entire history of cinema. What I’m saying here is that you can’t have a character who acts like Arthur does, literal limp wrist and all, or says “come on, Muuuurrrayyy, do I look like the kind of girl clown who could start a movement” the way he does, to pick one of many, many examples, and not evoke the long history of cinematic wink emojis at People Like Me.

That in itself would… honestly be plenty, lol, but it could be chalked up to, idk, Joaquin Phoenix doing his own thing, were it not for the fact that it’s completely reinforced at every turn by the filmmaking language, even down to his wardrobe choices, and it’s worth noting at this point that the framing is always one of empathy — albeit with nuance — and affording the character subjectivity, rather than being “ew, look at this gross [homophobic slur]”. Like, the very first time we see Arthur, literally our first impression of the character, he’s at a mirror, putting on make-up and then ruining it by crying, and while the make-up is of course part of his job, this is just not how the inner crises of straight male characters are expressed in the language of cinema. Of note too is the fact that he’s clearly visually separated from his co-workers in all the scenes at Ha-Ha’s, indicating his alienation from them, and while this could be chalked up purely to his disabilities, I don’t buy that that’s the only reason, given that Gary gets shit due to his dwarfism, sure, but at the end of the day he’s clearly “one of the boys” in a way Arthur (can’t be) isn’t.

There are honestly so many examples of the framing working to separate Arthur from conventional masculinity and heterosexuality that I’m just going to pick some highlights, such as: obviously, the way he expresses himself emotionally through dancing (to the point that one of his coworkers explicitly ribs him about it, “if your dancing doesn’t do the trick”), which again is not something that straight male characters do in the language of cinema. The fact that all the media we see him consume is musicals, classic comedies and a talk show he’s obsessively fannish about and watches with his mother — and we know he’s a fan of the show as a whole, not just Murray, hence him saying “I love Dr Sally” (and the way he says it…). Or, speaking of his media habits, when he’s dancing with the gun while watching Shall We Dance, this could have so, so easily been about him ~regaining his lost masculinity~ through, say, fantasies of revenge or badassery, but instead it’s about him being acknowledged as a great dancer and punishing bad dancers, and it all ends in slapstick anyway.

Also, while I’m on this topic, I want to address the nature of Arthur’s dissociative fantasies about Sophie. Honestly, I don’t read them as indicative of genuine romantic/sexual interest at all, because the film frames them as identical to Arthur’s more deliberate daydreams about Murray. I mean, not that I’m adverse to gay readings of that if that’s what you want to do, lmao, but to me they’re both very clearly post-traumatic fantasies of having another person look after you for once, of having someone value and cherish you and take care of you emotionally (which obviously has massive appeal if you’ve been dealing with the after-effects of catastrophic trauma all your life but nobody has given a shit about your suffering and you’ve had to be the one to look after other people to boot). Note that after the get-together with Sophie — which is clearly patterned after all those old comedies and musicals Arthur watches — the Sophie fantasies are incredibly platonic and involve things like having another person be there for you in a crisis, telling you something supportive, getting you a hot drink (in contrast with the reality of the hospital scene, in which Arthur is alone and he’s the one trying to comfort someone else, i.e., holding Penny’s hand), essentially no different from fantasy!Murray hugging Arthur and knowing exactly what to say to make him feel good about himself. Also note that both fantasies involve being the object of someone else’s affection, Murray picks Arthur out of the audience and Sophie comes to him, it’s a pillow princess Cinderella fantasy, more than someone loving you it’s about being loved. (And, once more, this could easily have all been v. v. different, the Murray fantasy could have been the much more conventionally masculine fantasy of being a famous comedian and being invited on Murray’s show, the Sophie fantasies could have had an undeniable sexual component, etc.)

Anyway, to get back to the general point of cinematic framing, again if the movie didn’t want me to read Artie as gay, it shouldn’t have had a pivotal moment in his character arc be him sitting at his mother’s vanity table, doing a new make-up look which involves using her lipstick, and then having a Moment while he’s literally holding a quasi-glamour shot of her.

And the thing is, all these reams of stuff aren’t even the key piece of the puzzle for me, which is the way in which the film as a whole can be read as a gay narrative. I’ve posted before about how part of the emotional catharsis of the film is about Arthur finally shamelessly embracing and even revelling in all his freakishness and socially-despised traits, a big one of which being what is arguably his effeminacy and… honestly I don’t need to explain how that’s a classic gay (and more generally LGBT) narrative, do I? Like, there’s a reason why a pivotal scene is Arthur having his hair-dyeing underwear rave in a flat that’s suddenly incredibly bright and sunny for the first time, it’s about reclaiming the pain and ugliness of your life and your circumstances into a space of potential liberation, which is honestly why this movie is always going to be incredibly personally meaningful to me for so many reasons, but definitely meaningful to me as a gay woman. (Again, this could so, so easily have been about him becoming some stone-cold badass or whatever, but instead the film has him dye his hair, put on a super garish new outfit and new make-up look, dance shamelessly in the street, and be incredibly campy on national television.)

More generally, there’s other aspects of the narrative arc that tie into this general theme and which also serve to continually distance Arthur from the conventional cinematic narratives of heterosexual manhood: for instance, once he starts fully embracing the Joker persona — which is… just Arthur, the crucial difference is in how others perceive him and how he perceives himself — any attraction to women, feigned or real, goes completely out the window and the only genuinely affectionate interaction he has with another human being is with Gary (I know we all love to joke about his first kiss being with Dr Sally, but it’s obviously Comedy Jokes and he doesn’t even kiss her for real, his make-up is completely intact; Arthur’s only real kiss in the movie is when he kisses Gary). Or, when Arthur’s personal narrative finally intersects completely with the larger social narrative — which is itself about upheaval, reclamation and potential liberation — the big triumphant moment is him once again dancing, this time for a cheering crowd, and using blood like lipstick to redraw his smile.

Or even, to a lesser extent, his whole sub-plot with his mother, before I watched the film I was worried that this was going to be the usual narrative about the henpecked guy who finally puts the bitch in her place as part of becoming a Real Man, and it’s not at all, quite the opposite, Arthur is not henpecked and is clearly in charge of the household, he genuinely loves Penny — and is confident she loves him back — and enjoys doing at least some things with her (them watching the Murray Franklin Show together), and up until the reveal any issues he has with her are largely the product of having to look after an ill person with zero social support and while working a physically and emotionally demanding job and dealing with his own disabilities. When he kills her, it’s a deeply sad and self-destructive scene and it’s the result of his profound anguish and sense of betrayal and he frames it as the bitter, trauma-haunted dark half of self-actualisation and self-acceptance (“that’s the real me”, “I haven’t been happy one minute of my entire fucking life”, “now I realise… it’s a fucking comedy”).

Or, at a more meta-textual level, the way the film is unabashedly both a pulpy thriller and a melodrama, just shamelessly embracing all its emotions, its pain and catharsis, without a trace of irony. Like, yeah, part of this is the immense sincerity and compassion Joaquin Phoenix brings to his performance, but it really is the movie’s approach as a whole, and when there is humour — and I do think there’s quite a lot of humour in the movie — it’s not the distancing, let’s-not-feel-anything-too-deeply-bro humour of your typical MCU movie, it’s the camp sensibility of laughing with and at your own tragedy. (Myriad examples down to the use of certain songs in the soundtrack.)

On a final note, you guys know how much I don’t care about authorial intent, but I feel compelled to point out that in his director’s commentary, Todd Phillips says, while discussing Arthur’s journey into becoming Joker, that he reads the larger pop-cultural character of the Joker as someone who doesn’t want women, and like… Again, it’s not like I think that he was deliberately making a gay narrative in any way, it’s just that if you’re creating this journey of a man who eventually becomes a character who’s not interested in women in that sense, you’ve also just ended up stumbling into a gay narrative accidentally on purpose, lmao, what’s the real difference between “at the end of the story, Arthur doesn’t want women because he’s ~da Joker now, baby, he doesn’t want anything~” and “at the end of the story, Arthur doesn’t want women because he’s gay and he’s no longer deeply repressed and closeted”?

Anyway, like I said, feel free to disagree, he’s a fictional character, lol, but this is where I’m coming from, and the reason why if everyone involved in the movie decided to make a statement tomorrow about how much Arthur Fleck wants to bone women I’d just say “shit, idc, I’m afraid you made a gay movie about Arthur Fleck, a gay man, it’s a little too late to retcon this bitch now ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”. Also this is over 2,000 words long what the fuck I am so sorry

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #307

“you lie so much, you believe yourself”

How long has it been since you kissed someone? Like, two years or so. What level are you on Farmville? Never played it. What are you looking forward to in the next year? I hope Covid just withers away, dammit. I truly, truly hope this vaccine is effective. And that people start wearing their GODDAMN masks. Do you use a lot of emoticons? Not really nowadays. Would you ever climb a mountain? No. Even if my legs were capable of handling that, I'd be too afraid of an avalanche. Colons or equal signs for your smiley face’s eyes? Colons. When was the last time you swam in a lake? A looooong time ago. If you could have anything right now, what would you want? It'd be great to chill at Sara's house honestly, I miss that. What’s your relationship status? Single and I think finally starting to truly accept I need to be right now. I wouldn't want to date myself in my current position, so I shouldn't expect anyone else to. When was the last time someone asked you your age? On my birthday when I mentioned in group therapy that I was trying to make it an especially good day about myself. When was the last time you danced? Very, very poorly with Sara years ago lmao. Has anyone ever tried to physically fight you? Someone snatched my arm and yanked me down to look her in the eyes in HS because she was a jealous bitch back then telling lies, but idk if her intention was to actually try to start a physical fight. Are you avoiding someone? No. What’s your favorite primary color? Red. What do you have pierced? Just my ears and bottom lip now. :/ I want morrrreeee. I'm forever tilted that so many of my piercings closed when I was hospitalized. What is your favorite dog breed? I find pugs to be very cute, but I do not support their breeding whatsoever so would never buy one. Besides them, I have a definite bias towards beagles. In your honest opinion, what is the scariest sea creature you know? Fucking Christ, giant squids. Terrifying. Do you believe there is just one love for everyone, or…? No. There are way, way, WAY too many people on this planet for that. What natural disaster scares you the most? Tornados. What outrageous career could you see yourself wanting to do? Define an "outrageous" career... but I can't visualize myself doing anything very unordinary. In what way would you want to help change the world? I truly hope I can make some considerable amount of contributions to natural conservation and animal education. When driving down the road looking for an address do you turn the radio low? I don't drive, but I know I would, considering I can't concentrate on driving if the radio is on anyway. What do you think of when you look at the stars? How little I and my problems really are. It gives me perspective. If you could say ONE THING to the president, what would it be? Well, Biden just got into office, so I can't really say yet. We'll see what he does. What Disney princess are you most like? Personality wise, I mean. Uh. I'unno. Maybe Snow White because animals? haha Do you believe in astrology? Not in the slightest. Do you look into people’s eyes when you talk to them? I try to, anyway, but I tend to find it very uncomfortable, and I never know if I'm offering too little or too much. So I have trouble maintaining it, especially with people I don't know. You can have one of the following two things: trust or love. Pick one. Trust. What do you think is the most important thing in this life is? Hm, that's a deep one. Perhaps the understanding that you are just as important as the next person and that we should work as one to make this one life that we know of worthwhile. Make the world better than when you entered it. What is your favorite shade of blue? Pastel blue. I just like pastels in general. When's the last time you bought something just because? I don't buy things "just because." If I actually have money to spend, I use it with motivation behind it. What Ozzy lyric describes you best? WHOA NOW HUNNY you are asking the WRONG person because I can just about name his entire discography so there are waaaay too many song lyrics to dig through and pick one for myself. Probably something from "Dreamer," after a short moment's consideration. When was the last time you went for a walk without a specific destination in mind? Not since Sara and I walked down the path near her house. We didn't plan on when we would turn around to go back. Do you daydream? Only all the time. What was your last daydream about? Ha, thanks to that other question, visiting Sara again. It'd be nice, but yeah, financial limitations and corona. Ever won the lottery? Bitch I wish. What was the most important decision you made that screwed up your life the most? Ugh... I'd say putting all my self-worth, happiness, and source of peace into one person was pretty big but also fucking stupid. What is love really about? Don't ask a romantic this and expect a non-essay, haha. But to keep it as short as possible, it's about mutual care, the desire to grow together, trust, openness, the peace to be vulnerable with the other... It's about a lot. It's such a deep, beautiful feeling. What's the most you ever made in a year? lol Do you have an online diary? Only through surveys, really. What's the biggest pot you've won in poker? I haven't played poker since I was a kiddo, so idr. What Metallica lyric most describes your life? Who wrote this and knows my favorite bands????? Like damn. There's a good handful of the sadder songs I relate to; I did some brief digging through ones I know I relate to, and perhaps the one I feel closest is within "The Unforgiven II": "The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true. If you can understand the me, then I can understand the you." Aaaand now I'm gonna go binge Metallica 'cuz it's been too long, thanks. How many concerts have you been to? Just one. :/ Which one was your favorite? I've only seen Alice Cooper, and it was great. What's the most illegal thing you've done? Pirated stuff, oops. Ever get busted by the cops? What for? No. How many pairs of rollerblades do/did you own? I doubt I have any anymore. Ever wear out a CD? What was it? Ahaha... There is some scratching on my mom's copy of Ozzmosis thanks to me playing it so much on my old CD player. Ever have a tornado in your town? Well my city is pretty damn big, so yes, in some spots. I don't think my immediate proximity has ever seen one, though. If you HAD to pick ONE song to listen to for the rest of your life, and that would be the only song you ever heard, what would it be? I would absolutely need something motivating if that was the case, so most likely "Life Won't Wait" by Ozzy Osbourne. That song touches me so deeply and gives me the courage to do what I can to tackle life and try not to waste it. I know, I'm doing a great job at that. Ever heard of Shinedown? Hell yeah; I was actually listening to them in the car earlier. What does your lawn furniture consist of? We have nothing out there. Ever live off of canned soup and ramen noodles for weeks at a time? Er, no. But when I got my tongue pierced, I had to survive off of popsicles and... I somehow forgot the main thing I ate???? How?????? But anyway it was something that didn't involve much or any chewing, either. I actually lost a little bit of weight in that week or so because eating solids was impossible, and I didn't enjoy "eating" liquids either. That piercing (snake eyes, btw) was soooo so cute tho. I really wish it hadn't started to damage my teeth, or else I'd still have it. What musical group/artist do you love, but hide from other people? I used to be kinda embarrassed by artists like Melanie Martinez when you compare her music to my adoration of metal, but at my age now, I don't give a damn. I like what I like and won't hide it. What is the first meal you remember eating? ... Does anyone actually remember this??? What's in your keepsake box/scrapbook? Good God, a lot. I haven't looked in it in a very, very long time though. It brings a usually painful nostalgia. What did you score on your SATs? I don't even remember if I took them. I THINK I took the ACT instead? I don't even know the difference. When was the last time you saw a rainbow? Hm. Been a while. It's not like I'm out of the house a lot, especially nowadays with quarantine. What colors is your lava lamp? I wish I had a lava lamp, they're rad and really relaxing. What's the strangest thing you've ever hung on the wall? Nothing, really. Can you name every place you've ever had sex? I mean I can but I'm not going to. What's the most important thing you ever lost and never found again? My favorite childhood cat Charcoal. He was an outdoor and intact male, so it was very normal for him to eventually vanish to rove. Please keep your cats indoors. What forms of birth control have you used? The pill and, uh, having "barriers." How many webpages have you created, and can you still find them all? I made Wetpaint sites for my two RP mobs back in the day, but the site has since been completely revised, so no, they don't exist anymore. I checked outta curiosity I think last year. How many people are in your family portrait? We don't even have a proper family portrait. Ever punched a wall? No. When's the last time you really lost your temper? In some argument with Mom I don't remember. Ever thought you (or a girlfriend) were pregnant, but it was a false alarm? I had massive anxiety over it once, but it was irrational and even I knew that. Not that anxiety cares. If 97 is yes, were you glad or sad? I was very glad when my period came lmao. What was the last conversation you had with someone before they died? When I saw my grandma for the last time, I just let her know that I loved her and that she was so, so strong, and she was. No one could believe how long she warded death off when she finally stopped chemo. What do your drinking glasses look like? We have some more unique cups and mugs, but the majority of them are just plain, slightly angular glasses, some short, some tall. How many bottles/containers are in your medicine cabinet? Oh wow, a lot. We're covered for most potential problems. How many funerals have you been to? Uhhh I think one. Maybe even none, just wakes. What was the last bug you killed and what did you use? An ant, I think? I just used my fingers. How many computers in your household? There are three laptops, but no desktop computers. Ever help to solve a crime? There was one occasion years ago when our neighbor's window was busted overnight and cops came to us to ask for any evidence we might have had, but we didn't have any. Idk what came of it. Ever get pulled over by the cops and get away without a ticket? I've never been pulled over. What was your first legal alcoholic drink? I think it was a margarita, but possibly a daquiri. Ever get published by one of those poetry groups? I fucking wish. I've tried, but to no avail. What's the furthest distance you've moved? Not very far at all. Just to the neighboring town. How many friends from high school/college do you still talk to? Only a few now and then. Girt is the only one I have real conversations with, though. What's the most expensive things your parents ever bought you? Probably the laptop I have right now, but idk. I've never asked how much things they've bought me cost, it seems rude somehow. What's the most expensive thing you've bought? The upcoming revamp of my tattoo. Deposit was $100, and then it's probably going to be another $300-400. I can't afford it all myself; as my birthday gift, Mom is helping me pay for it, but I've got most of it covered thanks to Christmas and birthday money. How many times did you intentionally start to commit suicide? Start to do it? Well, I was trying to run for sharp objects to do it twice, but on each occasion, someone held me back 'cuz they knew I was about to do something rash, so I didn't get very far, thankfully. The only time I fully went through with an attempt was my OD. Ever spent the night in the "loony bin?" How fucking disrespectful to call it that, but whatever. If you put all the instances together, I've been in psych hospitals for around a couple months, maybe more. What is your favorite cover song? Disturbed's cover of "Sound of Silence" is absolutely unbeatable. I'd just about call it a cold hard fact. What's your inspiration? Other's success stories, music, art in general, etc. What's the longest relationship you've been in? Over 3 1/2 years. Did you ever drop out of school? I dropped out of college three times, yikes. Three times is enough; even if I think I want to, I'm never going back. That is just way too much money to keep throwing down the drain, and there's clearly a pattern. Ever raise a child that wasn't your own for more than 3 months? I've never raised a kid period. Strangest medical procedure ever performed on you? Look up what a pilonidal cyst is and know I had one surgically removed. Pretty strange and uncomf. Song that has changed your attitude recently? None, really. What's something that you say a lot to be mean? ... Why would I try to be mean??? Who told you they loved you last? Me mum. Ever had a pet frog? Not technically, no, but as kids, my sister, neighbor, and I saved hundreds, maybe thousands of tadpole eggs from a ditch that was inevitably going to dry out. We transferred them all to a kiddie pool and let them grow naturally, hopping out and into the world whenever they were ready. I wouldn't call them "pets." Your worst enemy? IT'S NO SURPRIIIISE TO MEEEE I AAAAMMM MY OWN WORST ENEMYYYYY Do you believe in karma? No, but I wish it was a thing. What was the last hurtful thing you said to someone? I'm not sure. I certainly try to avoid doing so. Do you love someone enough you'd die for them? There's multiple people. The last song you listened to? I wasn't joking when I said I was gonna go on a Metallica spree, haha. "Of Wolf and Man" is on rn. Your most favorite memory as a kid? Too many, man. If you had the choice to work or not, would you work? Yes. I need something to do that benefits others in one way or another. Ever TRULY wanted to kill someone? I can't say for sure, if I'm being totally transparent. When I found out about Jason's gf after me, I can say with certainty I wanted her dead beyond dead, but I don't know if I wanted to kill her, per se. Just to clarify, no, I don't wish any negativity upon her now. I was certifiably insane before and certainly don't think I am anymore, so... Marvel or DC? I don't care. Do you watch anime subbed or dubbed? Both. I prefer dubbed, BUT only if the voice acting isn't insufferable. I like dubbed just because for me, it's very distracting to have to keep looking down at subtitles. How often do you exercise? I don't... I'm still waiting for Mom to move into her actual room versus the living room couch so I can do WiiFit with some privacy. I'm too uncomfortable to exercise in front of anyone. What is your favorite book series? Warriors will forever have a very special place in my heart. What is your favorite OTP? I will probably ship Rhett and Link for my entire life. Their friendship is truly incredible and so so SOOOOOOO cute. Who is your favorite Harry Potter character? I've never seen the series, actually.

[sireneia]

♔, ♦, ♡ !

( get to know the rper )

these are long so i’m putting my answers under the cut LMAO

Send me a ♔ for me to describe a favorite rp character of mine.

i was gonna describe pelleas but then remembered you’re not done fe10 so i will refrain MAMRKGMRGMGR

instead, i’ll talk about rowan! while i have pretty mixed feelings about warriors itself, i think its protagonists are legitimately interesting. it’s a shame that an extra layer to them is hidden behind support conversations though and support conversations are a pain to get in this game but... i mean... i guess you can say that about every character in games right? i think i only really point it out here because of how crucial some of these details are in the scope of the main plot’s themes, yet they don’t come up in the main plot at all unfortunately ):

rowan and lianna both don’t want the throne, having very different desires for their paths from one another yet being united in their attempt to force that inheritance onto the other twin. rowan’s comes from his disdain towards his father, seeing the previous king become bedridden and seeming utterly useless in such a state to a young boy. this leads rowan to grow up believing that kings by their nature are weak. he believes that kings, since they have a military to protect them, cannot do anything themselves and rowan hates that powerlessness when he knows the people look to their king to protect them. rowan can’t see the value behind kingship, refuses to, and thinks it’s not a position that would be fulfilling for him. he understands that it’s a position that requires thinking and governing, but he doesn’t see it as important as military might, leading to his evasiveness.

i like the fact that he’s clearly in the wrong with how he looks upon the position and his late father both, and i like the fact that his motivation for trying to escape his inheritance is rooted in good intentions but ignorance tainting it. more than that though, i like how it contrasts lianna’s motivations yet shows they share the same heart. lianna sees the power in the throne that rowan refuses to completely admit to, and she sees her own flaw of overthinking things and being too hesitant as cause for concern — that such a queen wouldn’t be able to make the necessary decisions in a time of crisis and would cause tragedy upon the subjects who rely on her, and that a proper ruler should have both confidence and presence in order to be effective. she wants her country to have a ruler they can rely upon to be able to save them.

both want to protect their people, but they don’t have the maturity to accept responsibility. they fear or dislike a part of it, and so they run away from it. meeting people from all different worlds thus gives them the perspective they need to understand what ruling is like and in the end, they rule together. they have finished their arc and both accept their duty, and although the other twin accepting the throne means they theoretically could back down like they’ve always wanted, they don’t. they know a ruler must be able to act but also must think carefully, and they desire to use one another’s strengths to create a better aytolis. their coronation ceremony as a result is such a great scene to me and i forever love it, and i’m glad the whole ‘warriors from different realms’ plot helps them not only in a physical way (i.e. using their might to win the conflict) but also a mental way (i.e. helping the twins mature). 

warriors’ plot is an absolute mess but thematically it’s great, and it really makes good use of its multiple protagonists in my opinion. i haven’t felt this good about multiple protags in fe as i have with gaiden, and i’m glad they exist even if not really many people care all too much for them. both twins are compelling and i just write rowan because :P it’s natural for me to choose the male muse but also stan lianna

Send me a ♦ for me to describe a plot that I’ve been wanting to do.

i think i’d like to explore edward’s arc in fe10 at some point! i find it captivating that the guy that’s clearly supposed to be the “recklessly jumps into the fray as his calm friend tries to reel him in” archetype is actually the one who most wants to stop fighting. honestly, i imagine this would’ve been a theme explored in his support convos if they had actually given him them smh

he loves fighting. he’s over the moon to be given a daein national treasure. he clearly has strong feelings about fighting to protect the weak. and yet... he gets a conversation about wanting to inspire the army to just abandon the war. he’s thinking about peace, and he’s tired of nonsense wars. he’s staying only for micaiah at this point. i think this really captures a part of radiant dawn’s plot well: about the flaws of micaiah’s nationalism and how she can go too far for her goals, and how the war has its negative consequences on the people in it. what are they even fighting for is always a strong theme to go off on.

i also think it ends up getting wrapped pretty well in edward’s character ending, signalling what true happiness means to him and his choice to pursue it, and idk man. i just want to write edward LOL

Send me a ♡ for me to describe a character that I haven’t had a chance to rp but would like to.

ah, yes, the Classic Multimuse Question.

i can’t say ronan because i’ve already written him before :thonking: but i think at the moment, i’ve got my eyes set on either sothe or m!byleth!

with sothe, i just find his frustrations but him trying to work around them and being forced to figure out his priorities in life during fe10 an interesting read! he’s also a fun character: he’s gruff and blunt and could really learn to speak better, and at times he’s a surprising voice of reason despite being pretty young still, but he’s got his cute moments too like how he banters with tormod! sothe has morphed into this type of person to be able to protect micaiah however he can and prove to her he CAN stay by her side and support her, but he’s still, at his root, just a silly teen boy if you let him get his guard down. i think it’s nice. i also support male supporting characters to female leads tbh and anyone who says fe10 should’ve had sothe as the lord is saying a take i can’t agree with smh

as for m!byleth... i think i’m just fascinated by characters who allow me to explore identity and the struggles that come with it. byleth goes through a lot of heavy things in regards to it, from their lack of emotions at first to being forced into this role as teacher to eventually letting it become them to then becoming a god themself and then the falling out of that depending on the route?? Spicie. 

i think i just... am unfortunately not invested in three houses enough to justify that though, as much as i think byleth could be a cool character to write, and while i lean towards m!byleth due to my own masculinity and the fact that there’s less of him than f!byleth in the community clearly, i still think any incarnation of byleth is well taken care of in the rpc without me also taking a swing at it. i also think writing my units is just... harder for me for some reason? i always view it as some kind of guilty pleasure really and byleth is no exception. i feel like if i write byleth, it’ll basically be me going through all the complicated feelings i went through when i rp’d m!corrin and idk if that’s worth it.

[asteria-rainbow]

Ascension Diary 1

I decided to keep a diary online to everything that's happening to me spiritually speaking during my ascension.

1. To keep some track

2. To express my emotions

3. To share it with whoever reads it

Going through the ascension and a spiritual awakening in general is a big deal, a lot of things gets stirred up and I think it's nice to talk about it and to be honest, I need it because I have too much to say.

Since october, as I was going about my ascension journey in a pretty fast pace but normal way, things got completely out of control.

I developped clairaudience/telepathy and clairsentience from last Mai and started using it on a daily basis. I already have clairvoyance but not as developped, I can see the astral realm, the energy floating around, I can get flashes, images, I can see lights of being floating around but I've never tried to open my third eye more specifically for clairvoyancd because I think it's a natural process and to rush it would be reckless.

But I focused a lot more on clairaudience (I will call it telepathy from now on) for a while and started communicating with guides and lightbeings and earth elementals and all sorts of energies, it was awesome !

However things got pretty messed up after a while.

I was attacked by many beings at once.

The thing is, I think for all those months the beings I was talking to that I considered my guides weren't all guides at all.

I was tricked. A classic.

I believed in a very naive way that I you have the "right" vibration, loving and open and light that what would come in return would be the same, if you have good intentions then it's alright. I tried not to be scared of the unknown too much even if I knew there were terrible stories but I tried not to think about them at all and start my ascension journey with an open mind.

I held on to my beliefs.

Yet it wasn't enough.

You see my body held karmic stuff that I didn't know about.

Actually in a parallel life (not past as I consider them simultaneous) I was tricked by a witch to do sex magic to turn into a portal to help very very low density beings to come into this dimension.

You fucking read it right.

I am not even kidding.

So the thing is, it was happening in let's say in the X life, and I am in the R life.

That life where the "main event" was happening had a ripple effect on my current life like a rock thrown in water.

So I relieved the same event at the same time.

Except, the witch in my present was actually my twinflame, a witch not incarnated from the 6th dimension that was living inside my own energy field.

(Did I think I would be discovering such things when I started meditating a year ago ? Fuck no.)

So the "story" repeated itself (more happened at the same time) where I got tricked by "guides" I don't know who the fuck they are to perform some "sex magic". (I don't even do real magic, never done a ritual or anything or maybe one when I was 13 but I always tried to stay away from magic because it doesn't interest me).

But I didn't even do real magic. And it was my own idea I once in july tried to use kundalini energy (sexual) to manifest something but it was like a try to see, and I did it ONCE. I followed a normal spiritual tutorial on how to do it I had no idea it would be considered sex magic and it wasn't weird or didn't include other beings.

ANYWAY.

My clairsentience got wild in october I started feeling my own auric field. I could feel my chakras and connect to energies of pretty much anything to get a feel of it I thought it was cool and tried to learn how to live with this. I could feel energy flowing in and out of me, from the crown to the bottom of my feet. My chakras rotating and opening.

I lived in the mountains and meditated 1-2 hours a day doing all sorts of fun things. I felt I was training since I wanted to become professional in spirituality I really wanted to get into it. I'm a very focused person when I want to be so when I have a goal you know.. I didn't know in which field yet so I wanted to experiment. I precise that I was doing things intuitively from my higher self and with some advices of my guides. (hum)

So here comes october.

First I started hearing my ancestors and feel them in my teeth energically and I started talking with them, it was weird but fun and I didn't know what to do with it.

I understood that some clairaudience things I heard and some repetitive thoughts pattern came in fact from them and not me. So that was interesting.

Then one day out of the blue, around halloween, a lot of deceased people came around me and were starting to use my field as portal to pass on to the other side.

Guides and beings around me were talking with them for the procedure and all and I was like ???????????? Ok so I tried helping but you know nobody gave me a manual ? And I had to control my thoughts because everything was happening telepatically but I never properly learn so I let things slip up like "I'm sorry you are dead" to people who didn't even know they were dead so they got distressed and I was ? Fuckkkk. Honestly it was a mess and too much for me for a first time so after a while I said stop to all of it I said I didn't want to do it right now maybe take it one step at the time but then things got messy.

Low dimensional beings followed me around for weeks and started harassing me about responsabilities and I tried not to be scared but didn't know how to deal with it on a daily basis ?

So I went to a friend of mine who teaches all sort of spiritual fields who knows a lot about beings (he wrote books and all) and asked him for advice.

So he told me that I couldn't fight it and that I had to "take them" one by one to see what each had to show me about myself to work through. He told me to be firm.

Except there were 15 of them. I was like ok I can TRY I mean what choice do I have ?

So I was at my house sitting by my kitchen table and I asked them to get in line and to patiently WAIT for me to see them one by one.

(oh yes because each of them were eating bits of my energy and I could feel it the 15 at the same time so that was a ride)

So at first they got in line but some of them were terribly angry (I may have said some words at some point I mean they were fucking hurting me who can stay still and say nothing ?)

So I tried. When the third came the others lost their tempers and they all came at me at once.

In the mess my witch twinflame came in the mix (and she was pretty terrifying) so what did I do ? Obviously ? I started fighting. All of them.

How ? I don't even know. I did everything I could think of. Salt baths, prayers, mantras, I went to a guy who sends them off somewhere, I tried lightlanguage (SO VERY BAD IDEA NEVER EVER DO IT) because I thought it was coming from my heart so like a disney movie everything would be alright again. (I promise I really believed that haha I didn't know what to do) but in fact it was like an incantation but I didn't even know. So it was like magic. So I messed up without realizing what I was doing.

I wanna laugh know.

Sooooooo when I realized it wouldn't work I went back to my friend and he managed to get "rid of them".

For a moment.

But no it wasn't the end at all it was only the beginning.

I got a day or two to breathe and then well I don't know who the fuck came (the witch was there) but there were it seemed like many, MANY beings coming.

What did I do ? Well fight obviously because I never learn.

Ok so picture hell right now (I don't even believe in hell ffs) well it felt like I was there.

They talked all at once saying terrible things about me. They knew EVERYTHING I once believed or thought or wanted to do. They were doing a sort of game of fighting with me when every other minutes another being would pop up and come fight me.

My auric field ? My chakras ? A mess. I FELT PHYSICAL PAIN. How just how I didn't know it was possible, is it because I believed it ? Perhaps.

Anyway that's when I lost touch with reality completely.

Completely. It turned in some sort of psychosis schizophrenia you name it but it wasn't regular spiritual stuff I was completely off touch with the ground.

So much that I felt my auric field kind of leave ? LEAVE ? Like go up into the sky.

I tried to stay here I tried. I stayed one entire day near a tree to try to stay grounded but it wasn't enough it was SO INTENSE.

Like a bad bad spiritual fever.

Obviously in my stupid fight I tried once to raise my frequency ? Because why not ? Idk. But it attracted MORE beings but high frequency this time (with some ETs that weren't nice AT ALL)

Ok so began weeks of torture of all kinds. All kinds. Mind games. Physical pain. Delirium.

They indeed used me as portal to make enter bad things into this dimension. And I couldn't even control it. They were using my emotions.

When I had an emotion like sadness, some terrible being entered through my own field (how is this even possible I don't know). So they were torturing me but I was trying not to feel not to make enter anything, and I had to control my thoughts because at the same time they were all tricking me to make contracts.

Yeah contracts. I didn't know but apparently that's a thing in some realm. Soul contract.

Apparently they got to use me as portal because of a contract. Ok ok so WHY NO ONE TELLS US THAT WE MADE CONTRACTS BEFORE ENTERING THIS EARTH AND WHICH AND WHY NO ONE TELLS HOW WE MAKE THEM (apparently a single thought was like "I sign !!! " when ??? No ???)

So I made so many contracts without knowing that some contradicted each other. It made absolutely zero sense at the end.

Anyway.

So the one of the most terrible thing was that one being.

Because I actually saw with my two eyes it's shadow on the wall falling down from the ceiling (he passed through me). Then, he began torturing me. Like it felt like it was eating my brain. A real life horror movie.

But he did that you know how ? In a time loop.

I REPEAT, IN A TIME LOOP.

You must think I'm mental lmao but I'm not joking.

I experimented a real life time loop.

It's real, it exists. It's like in the movies.

I relieved the same torture scene over and over again for... How don't know how long ? It's even difficult for my brain to comprehend. There was no time.

I got off the time loop when I realised there was one. I got out of my room the second I realise there was one.

To this day I have no words. No words.

???!!!!!!!!???????!!!!!!

WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING HELL WAS THAT.

Ok so the concept of time we understand and then when you ascend there is no time because you are always in the now moment that's something you can grasp in your mind but THIS. This was some next level bullshit us humans shouldn't experience. This should not happen. This is ?? Not ?? ok ?? Not natural. We're not in a sci-fi movie ffs but apparently yes I got stuck in a torture time loop thanks.

Jesus CHRIST I still can't believe it. Did I hallucinate ? It sure didn't feel like it.

Anyway so that was a thing.

So as you can see it got way too much, waaaay too much and I decided to got to the hospital because I was having chest pain and so much stress I was about to faint ?

But they couldn't find anything. So they advised I go to psy. I went out of despair ? I did 29377382 holistic therapy that helped a bit but seriously the beings were still torturing me and being in my head 24/7 so I thought I had nothing to lose.

What a terrible mistake.

I was locked up in a room with nothing but myself and this nightmare.

Those 4 days were interesting to say the least.

I got spiritually raped multiples times stopped praying after a while.

I begged. I asked for help. I prayed everyone and everything I could think of. I tried protection stuff.

Nothing really worked there were too many of them and I was like a little lamb unknowingly giving away my light and serving as portal for those creatures.

Joy.

I couldn't even cry because another terrible being was coming everytime.

They broke my mind. I broke my mind. I lost touch so much I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror.

They brainwashed me, reprogrammed me. Used the subconscious for reprogramming so yeah apparently that's another thing.

You know when you are trying to reprogramm yourself for manifesting for example well reminder that other consciousnesses can do it to you too so you have to be EXTREMELY aware of what's yours and what's not.

It was a huge thing to make me do all sorts of stuff but since I could tell the difference it didn't work because it's something I learned beforehand.

The key is not believing it and it's even easier when you know it's not from you.

Their programms are still in me today they pop up from my subconscious mind sometimes but since I know they are not mine I live with it for now.

So they were trying to get me to say yes to something (I think it was for posession) but I kept saying no over and over again.

ET's/lightbeings did stuff in within my brain (and I never would have thought I would see the day when I would be saying this, so this is my life now apparently ok)

Anyway. I'm not describing in details because it's too long and honestly I don't want to relive it again once was enough for a lifetime.

I was broken so was my mind and my heart and everything.

I had no options for it to stop, I wasn't even fighting anymore I was just trying to make less damage and not let enter anything else. But it was no use I didn't control anything. My field was a mess everything was blocked there were leaking all over and well I didn't sleep for days and my energy was very low I made 22927354 contracts, was raped, reprogrammed, experimented on and all of this within a single fucking month.

I didn't see any other choice than to take meds.

To numb the clairaudience and clairsentience.

I knew it wasn't a solution and that it wouldn't make them "go away" but at least I didn't have to feel or hear anything consciously.

It's difficult to write about it honestly but it makes me a bit happy to be able to share and not keep it all to myself.

So I took meds for 2-3 weeks and it numbed the clairs but I could still feel it and hear it a tiny bit I knew it wasn't gone. But I got time to heal a bit and get my mind clear again.

I did a quantum healing session with a wonderful lady who saw everything that happened, knew about my with sister and everything she did a tremedous work where she got rid of all the contracts, removed the ties with some entities, spoke to me about the time loop (so yeah apparently that's a real thing for real ? Wow) and did some work about my twinflame witch sister (she cut the cord we had where we needed to reincarnate together and she left my field to go back to be incarnated if she wanted). I had a sigil of magic on me I didn't even know about. Probably from a past life or from my witch sister. Oh and apparently those beings put me implants. Etheric implants yeah apparently that's a thing. Because everything that I was feeling in my clairs felt real but I KNEW that something was off. Something felt.. Like unnatural.

I was right.

Idk who but someone put me an implant to modify my perceptions, so my clairs ! What I was feeling/hearing/seeing may have not been the actual truth of what was happening. AND I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT WAS OFF. But still IT'S MAD THEY CAN DO THIS. They can implant things to modify perceptions ??? Who the fuck did I attract ?? What kind of lightbeings ? It's INSANE.

So the lady got rid of some of them but not all, we scheduled another appointment on friday but this woman gets month of waiting list because she's the real deal I'm thinking of taking a class with her but anyway. We managed to close me as portal. I am not a portal anymore, yaye ! 😐

Things got a bit quieter afterwards.

That was super nice.

I got to breathe but I was still heavily traumatized like someone coming back from war, always stressed than anything will happen you know it took me a week or two to let my body relax for a second.

I quit the meds a week ago.

I don't want to put my head into the sand and not face anything. I knew my clairs would be coming back but I have a new approach now that I have my head a lot clearer and I am slowly getting back to myself.

I decided first not to fight no matter what I hear or what I feel. I know not all the implants are gone so my stategy is to remain calm. I still feel some weird things over my head energically since I quit my meds beings came back to taunt me a bit but I didn't response.

I learned that with all that I became some kind of medium actually. It wasn't intended but ok. So my new techique, instead of meditating to get to higher states of consciousness or other realm or inside myself I meditate to stay right here right now. I use mindfullness to stay in the now moment. It allows me to hear less since my attention is on the touch or my real eyesight.

Staying present. Staying present. Staying present.

I have no other choice. Otherwise the minute my mind goes somewhere else I have thoughts and people answer my thoughts. I am never alone in my head anymore and I honestly don't know how to deal.

I still have the repetitive thoughts of the programming. But it's getting quieter when I don't think.

So I don't think and I don't listen.

It's extremely difficult but with training I believe I can do it.

I can't really apply the ascension process anymore in the way people put it because for me it's a bit more complicated now I can't even really think.

So Imma try to stay right here right now and see how it goes.

Get rid of the remaining implants. That's it.

Proctecting yourself is useless. If you take a hit you take a hit. The bubble of light isn't enough.

There are things out there more complex than we think. I almost killed myself but I am still alive so I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ? They can't kill anyone unless you let it happen.

The trauma is there but I'll get over it.

I was a victim but I won't take this from a victim pov, I attracted this when I blindly trusted any being passing because they seemed nice and from the light.

I did everything from the book, never did anything weird, always stayed in the light, controled my thoughts to remain as much as possible positive, did the protocoles of protection and what did I create ?

Chaos. And pain and suffering.

So guess what I think there's nothing to control if stuff happens it happens. This much pain was hard to accept at the time but I will get there for it not to get stuck I don't want to repeat this again I think I learned my lesson.

Now I'm enjoying the sensation of my couch under my fingers and listening to the radio and looking by the window to the plants outside. I feel a weird thing over my head but try to focus on the sunlight outside not on this thing and focus my consciousness on the ground under my feet.

I think it's my life now but it's ok. I still get to see what's right in front of me. It's often nice especially when there's sunlight.

Thank you if you read, you are even madder than me.

I'll see how it goes after the implants are removed.

Maybe I will feel less weird stuff ?

Meditate they say, go beyond the veil they say.

Maybe what's already there is perfect enough and it's ok if we don't do it and we go slow and we don't unlock everything and not open every chakra ? And not try to connect somewhere and just stay right here ? Being fully present ?

I think it's ok. Let's enjoy the sunlight for a while.

✨

[defini-te]

all of the vaguely nsfw asks?/ >:))

Thank you anon >:’D

1. Are looks important in a relationship? Yes, but not more important than personality. A decent looking guy can become attractive to me, but no amount of personality will make me attracted to someone I can’t find remotely attractive :/2. Are relationships ever worth it? With the right people I believe so3. Are you a virgin? No4. Are you in a relationship? I think so 5. Are you in love? no (not yet I suppose)6. Are you single this year? no lmao7. Can you commit to one person? yeah8. Describe your crush. a human male with arms and legs. And some beautiful eyes. 9. Describe your perfect mate. Someone I can have fun with, trust and be comfortable being myself and honest with. Someone that can help me be a better person but also someone I can help in the same way. Also physically attractive to me and finds me attractive.10. Do you believe in love at first sight? No lmao11. Do you ever want to get married? Sure…no hurry though.12. Do you forgive betrayal? If they’re sincerely sorry, never repeat it and make amends I will. Unless if it’s cheating lmao.13. Do you get jealous easily? Honestly no. I’m pretty reasonable by default.14. Do you have a crush on anyone? Well, yeah.15. Do you have any piercings? Ears only16. Do you have any tattoos? No i’m afraid of pain ._.17. Do you like kissing in public? Yes, provided it’s nothing more than a quick kiss. Forehead and cheek kisses aaaa20. Do you shower every day? yes21. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I would bloody hope so22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? neh23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? yes wtf24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?  ..no25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? Well yeah.26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yeah. And look what happened lmao woops27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you? no28. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes.29. Have you ever cheated on someone? No. I’m not a fucking animal.30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body? Jawline thinning surgery, or a nose job.31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? Yes. Cried once over the shock of being ghosted. Cried many times from an emotionally abusive ex.32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? No. I’d be on the other end of it more often tbh. I wouldn’t let myself love someone that doesn’t feel the same to me.33. Have you ever had sex with a man? Ye34. Have you ever had sex with a woman? noh35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Ye36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? No37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? Does it count if my friends eventually started hating him?38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yes. Didn’t expect to like someone with mental illness and a different socioeconomic class than me. Also didn’t expect to like a charming salesman that approached me either. WOOPS.39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? No40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? I’m about as artistic as a brick wall, so no.41. Have you had sex so far this year? Yes :)42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? like 3 seconds.43. How long was your longest relationship? 1 year 2 months. Pity it was a toxic one.44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 445. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013? Just 1. Oh the joys of high school infatuation.46. How many times did you have sex last year? many to be honest.47. How old are you? 1948. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Thought you really seemed to like me. Thanks for being honest about it, bye.49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? Hard to pin point one thing at this stage. I’d say fun to be around and seems genuine and affectionate.50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? NO. BYE BITCH. It’s more likely he’d knock on my door with incessant talking and logical fallacies.51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? Myself lol52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why? My most recent ex. I’m sure he could have gotten better, but the damage of the past is done. My feelings for him are completely gone to the point where I cannot stand the tiniest sliver of his presence. Therefore, there’s no way I could stay with him and have the patience to wait for him to improve.

That’s just the thing, isn’t it. Our relationship constantly had a power imbalance that would tip from one side to the other, never balancing in the middle.

Another reason I gave up was when I realised we both deserved better, and I couldn’t feel comfortable being honest with him and too used to hiding things and lying to him.53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? Nope54. Is there someone you will never forget? Yeah I think so. Not in a good way.55. Share a relationship story. Uhmm we went from google imaging photos of expensive cars because I didn’t know what a Bugatti was, to scrolling through photos of horses for 5 minutes and making comments on them.56. State 8 facts about your body. I’m 5′2/1.58cm, my second toe is longer than my big toe, I can twitch my ears, I can roll my tongue sideways, I look younger than I am, my hands are always cold, I can place my hands flat on the floor without bending my knees, I have resting bitch face.

57. Things you want to say to an ex. Good luck with life. Don’t talk to me or see what I’m doing with mine.58. What are five ways to win your heart?

1. Make me laugh abruptly and unexpectedly.

2. Listen to what I say and respect my intelligence and agency.

3. inspire me to actually improve in any way.

4. Be attentive and genuinely enjoy spending time with me.

5. Intend to stick with me, and make that obvious to me.

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!) if you want one that badly pm me or something.60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? 7 years 61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? Their general demeanour and how they carry themselves. I would’ve said their looks but I’ve realised I don’t aggressively scope them out first thing due to shyness.62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Oh man, I’m not too sure. I’d say a lot of sensual touching would be involved and dirty or sweet talk whispering.63. What is your definition of “having sex”? Bumping your genitals together LMAO64. What is your definition of cheating?

Physical cheating - Any physical contact with sexual intent, including sexting, with someone you’re not in a relationship with, and without their permission.

Emotional cheating - Having romantic feelings or strong attachment for someone you’re not in a relationship with, and not doing anything to control them.65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? Making out, touching, I guess.  Lel.66. What is your favourite roleplay? idk67. What is your idea of the perfect date? I have many. A night in where we watch movies, cuddle and cook something together. Or we go somewhere scenic and watch the sunset/star gaze. 68. What is your sexual orientation? Straight69. What turns you off? Lack of initiative, arrogance, possessiveness, excessive awkwardness, clingyness/neediness, extremely loud voice, sense of entitlement, bad oral hygiene (or hygiene in general), inattentive, very untidy, passive aggressiveness.70. What turns you on? Initiative, respectful, smells nice, sense of humour, consideration, affectionate/sensual, honesty, kindness, appreciative, intelligence.71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? uhm idk.72. What words do you like to hear during sex? henlo u wan sum fuk73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? I low-key fantasised about someone buying me a new e-reader. Not because they’re just buying me a new device, but about the sentiment behind it. They’d know how much I enjoyed reading and wish to encourage me to pursue it once more. They’d know that reading off a computer screen saps my concentration and I prefer to find my books electronically and online.

there’s another reason I’d find it particularly touching, and it’s not something I would tell them. My controlling ex didn’t let me read and uninstalled the program I used for reading off MY computer without telling me. So if a better boyfriend did the opposite and encouraged me to read, and wanted to see me enjoy things I’d probably fall in love with him right there.

But this is a tad bit idealistic, so I’m not expecting.

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? Nice arms? Handsome face? IDK75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? Take care of me when I was sick.76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? Take care of them when they had a mental breakdown. 77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? If you’re on the same page and can work together, who am I to judge.78. What’s your dirtiest secret? Apparently I’m good at blowjobs o//o Thought I was average at best, i’m still shook.79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? When I was with my ex, probably just him hanging around that dumb bitch and trying new things with her. Why did I even put up with that lmao.80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? I don’t remember.81. Who are five people you find attractive? Me, myself, Moi, I, and shrek.82. Who is the last person you hugged? My mother.83. Who was your first kiss with? With a boy I met off a friend when we were 15. He’s studying dentistry now lmaoo84. Why did your last relationship fail? Controlling behaviour, cheating, isolation, me being sick of his manipulative bullshit and wanting to do normal things without fucking consulting him first. Also I didn’t take initiative or put as much effort because I felt like nothing I’d do would make a difference, and that he’d tell me what to do anyway so why act.85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? If I’m able to meet them regularly, yeah why not.

[devilsbckbone]

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ what's keeping finnick up at night?

Hi I literally wrote this as a thread starter in 2012 but I’m going to go ahead and drop it right here anyway??? Under the cut tho bc I am was a babbler??? Heavily influenced by headcanons w/ my annie bae so like, disclaimer warning lmao. This was the song & while I use sam claflin as the fc now, this was back in the fancast days so let this angel lead u into the cut

He was shocked, literally stunned into silence as he listened to the proposal from the intimidating man sitting opposite himself, eyes wide and hanging on every word. Finnick was far from what could be considered innocent, his stint in the arena ensuring that, but when it came down to it, at sixteen he was practically still a child. Even in a world where parents were forced to offer up their young to fight to the death, he somehow had a hard time grasping what was being asked of him, unable to process that it was actually happening. “I’d like to reiterate that the choice is completely yours.” At this, Finnick sat a little straighter, squaring his shoulders. ”No, then. Absolutely no.” He cut in quickly, wishing he could just get up and go home. If he had a choice, wasn’t it obvious what he would say? He found it hard to believe that there had actually been past victors who would have ever agreed. Snow raised an eyebrow at the interruption, but carried on speaking as if it hadn’t even happened. “That’s not to say there wouldn’t be certain repercussions should you feel so disinclined to participate.” His voice was obnoxiously casual, parading in a mask of innocent intentions as though he truly had the boy’s best interests at heart. Still, the threatening undertone was unmistakable, and Finnick narrowed his eyes just slightly. ”What do you mean?” He prodded after a few long moments of incredibly uncomfortable silence, urging him to continue despite how much he didn’t want to hear it. As his palms began to sweat, he nervously rubbed them dry across the leg of his pants. “I’m sure you’re fully aware of the vast interest you’ve generated since your time in the Games. You’ve already seen firsthand just how generous they’re willing to be for you.” Finnick couldn’t deny nor find reason to question it, so he sat silently instead, waiting on pins and needles for him to continue. It was no secret that the only reason the fourteen year old he had come out of the arena alive had been because of the shower of gifts from his nameless sponsors, including the trident that had been one of the most expensive gifts in the history of the games. “They’ve been waiting a long time for this opportunity. That kind of anticipation prompts higher bids.” Still, Finnick struggled to swallow the reality of the situation. How could he speak so casually - so matter of factly - about something so horrible? “You must understand that a refusal on your part is to be considered quite a large sum of money lost. It’s only fair that should you take from me, I take from you, wouldn’t you say?” Snow’s voice still held that note of false kindness, sweet but bitter, like wine laced with arsenic. It made him feel sick. What exactly did he mean by that? He had nothing else of value to give him. Finnick gave his words a moment to sink in, but that was all it took for the realization to hit him like a surge of poisonous venom in his bloodstream. “No.” He breathed in disbelief, his head pounding and his stomach tightening into heavy knots as he tried to wrap his mind around it. By now his hands were shaking, and he did his best to steady them as he choked down the bile rising in his throat. “I can’t do that.” He said conclusively, shaking his head for emphasis, ”I’m not gonna do that.” Did he sound as weak as he felt? Snow sighed, but it wasn’t the sound of a man defeated; no, it was more like the irritation of a speed bump, a delay in the inevitable. “I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you some time to reconsider.” Finnick was admittedly horrified, but he refused to accept that he couldn’t honestly just say no and be done with it. How naïve and conceited he was. “Just remember,” Snow added as he pushed away from his desk, standing up and seemingly towering over the seated boy. “The choice is entirely yours.” He repeated, each word hitting him with what felt like a literal physical force against his chest. Finnick too brought himself to his feet, though his legs felt too heavy to move a single step as he was escorted out.He rolled onto his side, the tangle of damp sheets pulling his arm back at an awkward angle. Restless but still very much in the grip of this evening’s nightmare, Finnick didn’t even notice the discomfort. His body was shaking just slightly, shivers reflecting the chill that soaked straight down to his bones. For the briefest moment, his eyes fluttered open. The world looked murky, making it unsettlingly difficult to distinguish between reality and dreams. He had barely registered the dim light of dawn leaking through the open window before his eyes slid shut again as if by their own volition. Breathing far too erratically for someone comfortably asleep, darkness encompassed him once more. “You’re a stubborn one, Odair, but so am I.” There was no guise this time. Snow feigned no innocence, not a hint of concern. “I’ve been very patient with you, but - “”Patient?” Finnick interrupted, an incredulous laugh that bordered insanity sticking in his throat. The abrupt roughness with which he pushed himself to his feet sent the chair he had been sitting in clamoring to the floor, the loud crash echoing in the cold, scarcely furnished room. ”They’re dead! My parents are dead.” He shouted, his voice catching as he fought with everything he had not to let this man see him cry. He was well aware of the probable consequences of his behavior, and he knew that he could join his parents with the snap of Snow’s fingers, but he didn’t care. “And whose fault would that be?” He returned icily, raising his voice but remaining seated. He quickly cleared his throat and resumed a more calm, collected tone before continuing. “I made it perfectly clear that the choice was yours, did I not?” Finnick had absolutely already considered this, many times over. But to hear it validated  so plainly felt as though the slow healing wound had been ripped open, tearing into previously unharmed flesh and building up the painful void weighing his heart. “Why should I do anything for you?” He spat, digging his clenched fists into his thighs as he glared down at the old man. It had been only a matter of months since their last meeting, but Finnick felt as if he had aged years. Snow finally followed suit and brought himself to his feet, his movements slow and deliberate, like a snake hovering over his next meal. “Because you either cooperate, or you spend the rest of your life with nothing but the blood on your hands.” His words coiled around Finnick, squeezing, constricting, tighter and tighter until he literally sputtered, gasping for air. It wasn’t like last time -he had learned the hard way that the president of Panem did not make empty threats. Finnick was undoubtedly strong, but no man could withstand that. Who could live out their life with that kind of guilt? Suffering, alone, knowing that the only reason the ones you loved are gone is because you weren’t willing to sacrifice for them. There was a long moment of silence between the two, heavy tension filling the room. Finnick was the first to break. ”I’ll do it,” he conceded quietly, “I’ll do it, just - ” “Don’t hurt her.” He mumbled, the sound of his voice rousing him once again from sleep. Once he was conscious enough to realize he had been dreaming, he fell sideways onto his back and opened his eyes. He took one, two, three deep breaths before his airway began to feel constricted. Struggling slightly to untangle himself, he tore at the sheet wrapped around his legs and stumbled to his feet, hurrying to the bathroom. Head spinning, he fell to his knees in front of the toilet and emptied what little was left in his stomach before he lleaned back, his ragged breathing slowing as the sense of agitated panic slowly began to ease up. After a few long moments, he made his way over to the sink. Letting the water run as cold as it was going to get, he cupped his hands and leaned over the sink, scooping water into his mouth in a vain effort to rinse away the familiar acidic taste. Filling his hands with water again, he splashed it over his face like a blanket of ice, the cold sparking the final shock into fully waking up. Not bothering with a towel, he turned off the tap and smoothed his wet hands over his unruly hair, clasping his fingers together at the nape of his neck where they supported his head as he tilted his face toward the ceiling and closed his eyes. It had been a year since the meetings of his dreams had been reality. Though nightmares were only to be expected for anyone that endured the Hunger Games, the bloodshed in Finnick’s sleep had become a lot more scarce than when he had first come home. Unfortunately, it was only because he had been plagued with worse in the years since. Though he held up exceptionally well in public, the stress was becoming too much for him, the weight too heavy. He hated Snow for everything he had done, hated how he had to lie to Annie, and hated what he had to do to keep her safe. All things considered, he was pretty surprised that Annie hadn’t yet confronted him about it all. Maybe she still felt he deserved the tolerance that accompanies the pity toward someone who has lost a loved one. Surely she wondered why he was constantly being whisked away to the Capitol for some reason or another, especially considering the wide gap of semi normalcy between his victor’s tour and the initial meeting with Snow. Too ashamed to even consider talking about it, he felt trapped, suffocated, and so painfully, desperately alone.

Why was it that there was no relief for him? If he closed his eyes, he had to see flashes of all the things he wished he could forget, just burn away from his memory. If he opened his eyes, he had to see himself, a weak man unable to hold himself together in desperate times. It was no surprise that he preferred the former, choosing the lesser of two evils in reliving the past as a form of denying the present.

[profoundlyhumanme]

The Silent Monster of My Mind

When I created this account the intention was to share my mind. Notice I said share, not speak. I’m not speaking at you, I don’t know you, and I have no privilege of assuming how you feel. This is simply a record of my life, for my legacy to my children, to stay sane, and to help whoever this ends up helping. With that said, I have grown into a very honest person. When I refer to honesty I mean, honesty to myself.

When did it become normal and expected to not show yourself to people in life? So behind every story and every thought let me first say that, I can't nor have I ever been able to quiet my mind. How does that saying go? I’m not where I need or want to be, but thank goodness I'm not where I used to be. I constantly think about how I've changed.

This monster in my mind has always been along for ride. The proverbial devil and angel on my shoulder, the weight of my own mind I have to temper, every day a struggle to manage the thoughts. Add Major depressive disorder and falling down the rabbit hole of my mind is easier than ever. As I write this I am abased. My heart and soul is scratching the floor, change is not always fun, change is actually pain, especially change that truly sets a new trajectory in your life.

To breathe is to summon a deep effort, almost instinct. Four years ago I made a decision that did just that to me. The effort to move to the next task and so on. I honestly couldn’t tell you details for months at a time.

To walk in a cloud would be understating the amount of depth depression takes me to. Have you ever had the worst news just delivered or you just got summoned by your boss and you know you could be in trouble. Then let’s add extreme sadness, like someone physically pulled your heart out through your stomach. Now stay in that state for months and months, the balance between insanity of the heart and screams of your mind and you become…numb. Food looses it taste and the thought of swallowing anything brings you waves of nausea. Just one bite, one bite so you can function, so you can live. No cravings, what are those? Then comes the waves, you know what I'm talking about, the pain, that black dark rabbit hole. Take a peek but don’t get too close to the edge, once you fall in, that rope is hard to find.

Years this monkey has followed me, whispering in my ear… you're not good enough…no one wants you…why? Shit… I want my children to know me, ME, not this mother of rules and mistakes, but me. I want people to know me, not what I do or who I'm with or how smart I am or not.

Transformation is painful, it bleeds your soul. Like a calm stream it slowly but slowly drains you and beats you against the rocks. The battle of your mind from now and the mind from then is always the challenge. We remember, we mold, and we shape every decision against the experiences we have had. We feel and breathe and think and act differently according to what our lives live. Perspective is subjective, meaning while you can categorize people to death, they still experience the world in their own unique way. But commonality is what we crave, we are a species of sociality, we need companionship, crave it, and we will do whatever it takes to get it and make our monsters quiet for a little longer. To look yourself in the mirror is to cringe…

I have always experienced the world in great depth. If I could put my brain in a box to go to sleep, I would. I have to breathe in every experience to the greatest detail and then visualize the outcomes. This leech drains me of my peace. For this reason I have learned over the years to pick my minds battle. The rules are: If I can’t actually DO anything about it, it gets put in a little box in the back of my mind. Now that’s not to say that it doesn’t try to creep its way forward, but let’s face it, it’s so easy to let it go now for me, because I literally cannot Do anything about it. Freedom to allow yourself let it go, but still care is key. Someone once said to me that depression was part boredom. While I struggle with all the chemical imbalances that are normal for this condition, I never really thought about the boredom aspect as well.

So in the first piece I posted, I referred to this blog as “an outhouse”, it is my minds way if expelling what would normally drive me insane. So now, I can help you go a little insane too. Lmao…

Note: To know me is to laugh and smile, and sometimes be conversationally uncomfortable…but you will always get 100% of my attention and 100% of my heart…That sounds so fucking sappy, but it’s true. I have goals people. I know what it is to be hated and despised and looked at like you’re the devil, I know what it is to be spit on…anyways, I vowed NEVER to make anyone feel that way years ago and I intend to keep that promise to myself, even if that’s the only thing I stay true to.  

I don’t expect anyone to understand me 100%, but I do know we all struggle. The particular place I live is quite good at appearances. After all my life's experiences I have decided to be refreshingly honest. So when you are with what you see is what you get.

My heart is so easily given…a few people may say differently, but the truth is I can’t stop from loving people. Empathy for me is the balance of my heart and mind for daily sanity. Loving people drains you, I have learned that in my line of work. People are craving TLC, human contact with that is present with no demand on their part, an escape. While I truly believe that just one person can make a difference, the world is cruel and unforgiving as a whole. It’s hard to let your guard down. To be hurt over and over. As painful as that growth is from every sting and slash of the worlds whip, I would never change it. It has molded me into who I am today. While my boundaries change over time, I am honored to be a part of people’s lives, even if it is for a short time. From the school time memories, to the assholes who were mean to me, thank u. I am at least happy with the person I am today, now I'll get back to you tomorrow. Haha!

I continue to put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, and one minute at a time. Some days are hard to breathe. Some days my body tells me no, Panic attacks ensue and my confidence to continue is shaken, but I have to fight, I have come so far. So while I Pep talk myself, hopefully this will help you too.

I have to keep moving forward, keep changing for the good in my life. Learning, experiencing, and cherishing every moment, no matter how small and insignificant to other people it may seem. I try not to stay in that past, I let it mold me so I can move on, wherever it takes me.

My current trajectory is unknown at this point but I have always promised myself that I would true to me and the legacy I want to leave in my life. And while I struggle with the follow through on that, to battle this silent monster of my mind, I inhale all the experiences.

I am expecting peace, I am expecting to eventually win, and if that comes on the day of my death then so be it, but I will walk this path and find my way, and all scares I make I will cherish, even though sometimes the scares go down like broken glass. Those scares mean that I lived…I chose to live through it. Thru the monkey on my back, thru the stream of my own soul outstretched for the world to see…I lived…