#literally was saying no. and anyway he had a traumatic brain injury a few weeks ago because he plays rugby and he's fine like getting

[maddy-ferguson]

having a failed talking stage in your class of 13 people is so unserious

[phoenixyfriend]

Thoughts on “Auntie Soka and Little Leia” now that I’ve actually got it posted:

Call it a director’s cut! The process of actually writing the thing, and also jokes made along the way. Link to the actual fic.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the energy for image descriptions, even the text screenshots. Might come back that later. Most of this was DMs with @atagotiak​.

This was an entire thing before I even started writing:

Before I decided on ages and stuff Ahsoka, to Jango, who has had zero contact with Kaminoans: Okay I know I'm a Jedi kid so you hate me but this toddler is your clone from the future. Jango, tired: What the FUCK are you talking about. Rex, barely able to talk: Don't you dare leave me with him, Commander! Ahsoka: I'm not going to leave you I just--I'm so tired I'm so fucking tired I haven't slept in five days and someone tried to kidnap Leia two days ago I am so fucking tired I need help

Ben: [twenty years of depression followed by a 'now I'm safe' breakdown over the course of weeks] Sokari: [whatever the FUCK this mess is]

When Ahsoka mentions there only being three other Jedi at the time of her death,  I was thinking Kanan, Yoda, and Obi-Wan (Leia told her about the latter two living past her). She's not counting anyone that received training after the Temple fell, and she didn’t know about Cal.

When Leia says  “I was adopted and raised by one of the founders of the rebellion, a movement built on the desire to instate freedom and democracy in a galaxy that had lost even the pretense.”

Depa: I'm no therapist but I diagnose you with "incredibly fucked up." Ahsoka: yeah, that’s fair

"Why did you pick Depa for--" She's pretty and I'm gay. Also because of the Kanan thing But mostly I'm gay "It's not a visual medi--" GAY

Empty of context beyond general post-fic AU: "Hey Sokari, we need to engage in psychological warfare against this individual and--" "I'm going to break into his office and leave a threatening note on his desk and leave no other sign that I was there. He'll see that his security is nothing and the only reason he isn't dead is because I'm too nice to kill him." "...okay, not what we were planning, but that works. Why is that your first choice?" "I really like breaking and entering, it's soothing." Ben just standing there with a bland smile like This Is Normal.

"We need someone to infiltrate a highly guarded facility in hostile territory." "So we're sending the Torrent kids?" [sigh] "We're sending the Torrent kids."

Rex and Sokari insist on both going by "Torrent" even though Rex could be a Fett. Jango really wants him to be a Fett. Rex has too many grudges to agree to being a Fett for... a while.

I really hope it's blatantly obvious that Ahsoka's not a reliable narrator for some things Ahsoka: Fett could care less if I died Jango: jfc even if you are older than me I can see you're fucked up. Drink your hot chocolate. Hells. She's got good reason to expect him to hate her as a Jedi! BUT. THAT IS NOT REFLECTIVE OF REALITY

We don’t get a lot of actual characterization for Jango, but the way I played him out here is he has never really parsed that Jedi are people before all this. It's a lot harder to treat them as a monolith when the traumatized former child soldier is having regular breakdowns in your shitty little kitchen

Fett: I respect you Ahsoka: No, don't do that

Ahsoka’s vigilantism is something that, in my mind, she's associating heavily with Zygerria and then the clones.

I figured that she never bothered to learn Quinlan’s teacher’s name but in the process of looking up some basic facts (whether he had a surname), I found that Wookiepedia was forced to give us a VERY wide range of possible death in Legends.

Please take a moment to imagine Quinlan's FACE when Ahsoka initially dismisses him. Quinlan has put a lot of effort into being rogueishly charming! It's very useful for his line of work! He knows to expect either irritation or a return flirtation when he acts like this with people his own age! Ahsoka is not flustered OR rolling her eyes and insulting him, she's just ignoring him and it's a bit of a blow to the ego

This just makes me really happy:

This was the initial comment I made, as a joke What if Maul is just. There. On one of the planets they make a pitstop at. What if Maul exists as the walking problem he is, but fifteen, and Ahsoka immediately tries to kick his ass and drag him back to Coruscant. I do not have room for this plot but What If

Despite not having room for this plot, I proceeded to write this plot.

Maul is kidnapped and it’s the best thing that ever happened to him HE'S FIFTEEN HE'S DUMB AS SHIT AND HAS A BAD ATTITUDE AND YEAH HE'S A DARKSIDER BUT HE'S FIFTEEN

Ahsoka: I sense... Maul [takes off sprinting] Rex: [immediately takes Jango's blaster and runs after her] Jango: Wait who Tholme: Who Quinlan: Who Jango: [looks at Leia] Leia: I don't know who that is either! Ahsoka, already wrestling a teenager to the ground: Oh no, you're a child, REX STUN HIM AND GRAB THE CUFFS, I'M SURE FETT OR THOLME HAS SOME

Fighting him isn't even legal, they have NO evidence of criminal wrongdoing, so first she needs to yell until he admits to something she can fight him about

Ahsoka: When I see Maul, it's on SIGHT Maul: WHO ARE YOU

Ahsoka: The Force didn't give me hands just to NOT throw them when I run into That Crafty Son Of A Bitch

Ben, when they arrive, after the tearful reunion: You... you brought Maul. Ahsoka: Well, yeah, he's fifteen and kinda dumb. I figured we could drag him here and force him into therapy, see what happens. Ben: I can't quite tell through the gag, but I think he's threatening to feed you your own spleen. Ahsoka: Lol, yeah.

Ben is absolutely on team "get Maul therapy" and will fight the Council on rehabilitating the baby Sith But also it's like. Here's your daughter! And your niece! And your daughter's QPP! Also your best friend, but baby, and his teacher, and the biological origin of a number of people you cared for deeply! AND ALSO THE GUY WHO SPENT LITERAL DECADES CRAVING YOUR DEATH, FOR SOME REASON

I just really want Ahsoka lovingly bullying Maul She gives him noogies and the horns don't protect him because girl has reinforced gloves

Maul's only allowed a low-power training saber and his fights with Sokari involve Much Taunting by her and Eventual Screaming by him, and everyone pops by to see: 1. Sokari doing the most absurd flips, for fun. 2. The bullshit that is ataru-shien reverse-grip jar'kai in the hands of someone who makes it work 3. What a Sith lightsaber form looks like 4. Just the general nonsense that is the way these two fight

Tia said “Wrt ridiculous flips. I'm remembering that time she beheaded four Kryst'ad at once.” and I just Rex brings up the quadruple beheading at one point to get someone to stop asking questions and the awkward, horrified silence almost makes him regret it. And then Sokari just snorts and makes a joke about how Rex once speared a slaver point-blank and everyone's just like hello??? "are you two okay" "no"

Maul absolutely starts crushing on Sokari after a 'sword under chin' moment and she's just very "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you're fifteen, bye" GO MAKE PUPPY EYES AT OBI-WAN OR SOMETHING

The crushes are the worst part of everything, really, she's an attractive young woman that can kick a lot of ass, and a lot of people are into that! Unfortunately, most of those people are a decade younger than she is, mentally, because all the people her actual age look at her and see a child on account of the 17yo body.

It’s almost a good thing she’s in no place mentally for a relationship.

I just want Ahsoka to wear beskar.... I think that would be Nice........

This AU is also what caused this post.

I'm deeply enamored by the idea that Ahsoka can win fights against "older" padawans pretty much unilaterally, even when they team up 2v1 And then she offers to fight 5v1 "But only if I have permission to fight dirty." Ben approves it, a horror show full of "I fought many wars and will scream in your face or kick you in the balls if that's what it takes" follows She wins. There are no permanent injuries, but her reputation certainly gets weirder. Nobody under the rank of Knight agrees to let her fight dirty again. She just lets that stand because, well, she's not actually a padawan, she's thirty-three.

I’m not going to write this but my brain was EVIL and suggested it:

IT WOULD BE REALLY SAD IDK maybe 9yo Anakin has nightmares about what's happening to baby Ahsoka because bullshit about time-traveling force bonds IDK ANYWAY he cries to Sokari about the nightmares and she's like "oh shit" and it's time to go rescue herself from motherfucker unlimited

It's either that or she's like, expecting to welcome mini-me aaaany day now, for like, several months, before she realizes Something Went Wrong. Anakin’s dreams could even start right as she’s starting to realize something’s off.

Obi-Wan has never had a padawan that doesn't at some point bite Even Luke will, when pushed

OH also once the twins get Baby's First Lightsaber (training sabers, not real kyber), Sokari begs to borrow them for a dumb joke and tells Rex to get on her shoulders for a "Grievous Greeting" and they do The Thing

Jango and Ahsoka wrt Quinlan is just “Do I need to beat him up for you” “You realize I’ve beaten up sith lords before?”

JANGO'S TRYING He's just. "Can we be friends? Can I--can I be the guy that just noticeably gets in the way of a creep on the subway so you can be more comfortable without someone making a scene? I'm fucking trying here, give me a hint."

We didn’t actually figure out Jango’s age until this point. The only reason Fett's age matters is for Quinlan making a Wild Oats quip after Jango says he didn't know about Rex until a few weeks ago, and Fett going "How old do you think I am? And how old do you think the kid is?" and Quinlan getting Very Awkward as he does the math. Rex overhears and lets Quinlan sweat for a bit before saying "I'm a genetically-modified clone someone grew in a tube, he didn't know or have reason to know until he saw me with Sokari." Which is like. Eight additional layers of WTF, obviously, but at least Jango gets to avoid awkward wild oats jokes

Like, you’d expect the rebuttal to be ‘he’s my brother just with a biiig age gap’ or ‘he’s my nephew’

I find it very unfortunate for Quinlan that I've decided his defining characteristic in this context is going to be repeatedly putting his foot in his mouth

He’s trying so hard but "That sounds like a cool thing, maybe I'll ask ab--and it's another fucking trauma."

I'm doing Ahsoka&Jango t w i c e (there’s another fic where I’m doing it)

It’s just a fun dynamic! So much resentful respect.

Like she's twenty seconds away from calling him a bitch at any given time and he's just there like "I don't like you but I do see you move like you're about to tell an entire building to get on their knees with their hands in the air and I can respect that" Also she's probably much less judgmental about using blasters than Obi-Wan is The Maul subplot actually started with me daydreaming about Ahsoka grabbing a blaster for Reasons

I like the idea of Jango just deciding the most Useful thing he can do is help teach the Smol how to fight. He's AWKWARD around Rex and Soka because he doesn't know if there's anything he CAN teach them.

I didn’t actually plan for Tholme to figure out the age thing, he just SAID it and I had to sit there like Wait.

Ahsoka, Rex & Leia: ahhh, children Tholme: you say that like you aren’t children

I liked getting to write Rex's little "I have worked with all of them, and they're all Terrible" He loves them But They once got stranded on a planet that didn’t exist and Ahsoka died and Anakin killed a god.

There was research and discussion as to whether Ahsoka could win against Tholme but seeing as she held her own against Vader, and fought Grievous at that physical age without dying, etc.... yeah, the only thing holding her back was her body not being what she was used to, and she’s had a few weeks go adjust.

“I miss being able to just jump off skyscrapers” is such a jedi thing

Jango: I'll take the gun back if he tries to leave, they can't get far before--WHAT THE FUCK He knows Jedi are scary but he’s still not really used to just how over the top ridiculous they are He knows how to deal with Jedi in battle, not Whatever The Fuck These People Are Doing

Rex isn't even a Jedi, he's just so used to working with them. “Oh yes time for free-falling without a parachute again, same shit as always.”

Tia: I’m imagining Jango freaking out and Quinlan and Tholme being like. Concerned but mostly exasperated Clearly if they’re jumping off buildings it must be serious? But jfc they could’ve maybe communicated a bit more?

Leia: I want to finish my juice Tholme: Quin, stay with her while we go figure out what those two are doing. Quinlan: Wait what

Jango: Oh now he’s jumping off a building too??? Tholme: Sokari, you are not registered! You can't legally jump out windows yet! Jango: What the hell is going on? Is this normal?

We don’t necessarily know how often Ahsoka and Maul ran into each other after Mandalore. There was the later thing on Malachor, but other than that I'm just going with the idea that they ran into each other every year or two and just went for the eyes like feral cats

Ahsoka: I need to kick ass and you're coming with me. Rex: Yeah, okay. [several minutes later] Rex: Whose ass are we kicking?

Ahsoka and Rex

Neloms aren’t a SW fruit to the best of my knowledge, I just wanted to mess around with lemons/melons

Jango: you didn’t think any of this through, did you? Rex: you were there, you know we didn’t "When the Jedi says to jump out a window, I jump out a window."

Tholme’s real composed about stalking the ancient nigh-mythical enemy of his people, very “Life is already so goddamn weird”

This fic has been so heavy on the trauma but then I introduce Maul and suddenly it's the worst kind of comedy Nobody is competent, everyone's a little dumb, the bad guy is just grocery shopping

My propensity for banter has turned this into a six-person buddy cop comedy about Maul buying grapes They spend a significant amount to time ineffectually stalking Maul before Quin suggests the sensible option Quinlan just "You remember this is my literal job and specialty right"

Ahsoka sees Maul and all her brain cells go out the window except "Fight good" Usually she doesn’t need to worry about doing things legally. Maybe she needs to worry about someone seeing her do illegal things but she spent the past 15 yrs in a place where her existing was illegal

I feel like he’s also maybe kinda wanting to reassert that yes he is competent. Bc like. Ahsoka’s been kinda condescending this whole time and also can beat everyone up so. It's not his fault that he's actually the youngest person there, but.

Jango is finding this whole being friendly to Jedi thing a lot more overwhelming than he thought it would be. And overwhelming in different ways.

Maul usually signifies things getting worse and more horrifyingly tragic but he's just a dumb teen that they needed to arrest for his own good.

Quinlan: Look, I'm useful! Ahsoka: I've been through hell, wanna hear? Quinlan: NO. I DON'T. WHY.

Quinlan: I understand the concept of joking about your traumas, I do it sometimes myself! But sith hells that’s a lot of trauma.

Quinlan just wanted her to treat him as a Competent Individual, and here she is whipping out stories about Dying and Gods and the Force insists it's the truth and he just???? And apparently emo darksider over there is a Sith. And just, sure. Why not

A lot of people’s interactions with the time travelling disaster lineage is just

Tholme and Fett arguing and  Ahsoka's just waiting for a moment to pop in with "Hey, when's the last time either of you worked with the other's culture before this mess? Yeah, that's what I thought."

Much like Leia and Ahsoka hurting each other earlier, and Tholme figuring out the de-aging, we ALSO have Fett’s confrontation with Ahsoka being something the characters just did, rather than something I planned.

FTR the only time I managed to trigger myself while writing this fic was the “your behavior isn’t actually acceptable and we’ve all been trying really hard to give you room to recover but you have to at least make an effort to not be a bitch”

Writing about people having PTSD and symptoms of such: Yay! Writing about people having PTSD and engaging in toxic behavior to cope: Shit Ahsoka had... basically my exact reaction. It's "remind yourself that you're in the wrong, that they have a point, and then be overly formal in the apology because fuck if you accidentally make them feel sorry for you when they're the injured party"

Quinlan: Can we be friends? I mean, you're an asshole, but you're really cool. Let's be friends. (He MIGHT be nursing a crush) (Neat mysterious girl who can beat him up.)

Also he realises she's probably nicer when not having a slow-motion breakdown He's like "Huh, you'll probably be less of an asshole once you've gotten therapy."

...also, she pretty and got Nice Biceps

I love writing a good mental breakdown

I was so close to including a "he tried to kill me" just early enough for Jango to wildly misinterpret as her thinking Quinlan tried to kill her. He'd have been very confused, considering Quinlan's the one that called them down in a panic and currently has Ahsoka having her massive breakdown in his lap But

Tia:  I could see Jango interpreting it as idk, Quin resembling someone or for a moment acting like someone who tried to kill her and she had a flashback or something like that

There's absolutely room for a couple reasonable interpretations there And "trapped in a flashback about someone who tried to kill her" is absolutely what's happening! Just. You know. For a different reason. Jango probably wouldn’t assume Quin would hurt her, for one thing he seems to like her, for another even if he did he’s smart enough to pick a way that wouldn’t be so likely to get him caught

I had to step back and actually say “Also I'm just. Wow. I'm really just shoveling QPP Rex&Ahsoka at full speed”

Me, a few weeks ago, joking: Two halves of the same idiot black ops specialist Me, now, entirely seriously: Two halves of the same idiot black ops specialist

Me, belatedly: Oh, Ahsoka being joyfully mean to people was a form of mania she was unconsciously using to build a barrier between herself and her impending meltdown

She went from "just died" to "in charge of Rex and Leia" in like. Two minutes.

Confession: I've been delighting in the mental image of this whole Mess leading Jango to try to retake Mandalore, and Ahsoka loans him a saber for a 1v1 to get the darksaber.

“Can’t I just fight him barehanded? That’s how I did it on Galidraan.” "But the drama, Fett!"

Probably Rex has learned how to use a saber as well, because you never know when you have to borrow a weapon

I later changed my mind to Jango asking her to help, rather than her just sneak-teaching him, but it was funny.

Background nonsense to all this is Ahsoka and Rex, despite Rex being as force-sensitive as a lump of coal, having developed a process where she can extend her sensitivity to him mind-to-mind for weird symbiotic battle trance that scares everyone around them. It’s very similar to Battle meditation.

CONTEXT FOR LEIA BEING WORRIED ABOUT THOLME HIDING THINGS: Tholme is hiding the fact that the Council reached out and told him that the people he picked up might be connected to Ben and Luke, who showed up after the Depa thing but a solid week and change before Jango's ship makes it to the Temple. They asked that he not share that information to avoid getting anyone's hopes up in case the two situations aren't related. Ben and Luke haven't shared enough information for anyone to really be sure if the other three are connected Because the info Tholme has isn't quite the info Jango has, etc. And they can't just say Ben is a future Obi-Wan over comms

I just have a lot of feelings about people trying to do something right and just. Nobody's at fault! Not really! It's just complicated!

Tia: I like how when Ahsoka isn’t doing maladaptive trauma response stuff she’s very mature. And of course she’s had to be but it’s a good like, contrast. Where when she slows down to think about things she’s very sensible

Jango just spends most of this story lowkey wanting Ahsoka to Be His Friend but there's too much baggage that he's only metaphysically responsible for

Local aroace(?) has a squish

Ahsoka: He just wants to get on my good side because of Rex. Jango: I'm pretty sure you could kill an entire army without trying but you wouldn't because you have actual morals and stuff... and when I met you it was because you were killing yourself trying to keep (what appeared to be) children safe... you seem cool please be my friend.......

Ahsoka’s #1 weakness: mountains of trauma Ahsoka’s #2 weakness: she just doesn’t get why so many people think she’s cool and want her to be their (girl)friend

Jango, a 27yo massacre survivor who's killed Jedi masters with his bare hands: [gets lectured on various government structures by a tiny girl that's missing several teeth and needs to sit on books to see the table properly]

Ahsoka was raised in a religious meritocracy but developed all her opinions during a galactic war and then became a vigilante spy, Rex comes from a military cult, Leia is from an inherited monarchy that participates in democracy, Quinlan was originally from what appears to be a dynastic dictatorship, and IDK about Tholme other than that he is also from the religious meritocracy. And in legends Quinlan came to the religious meritocracy after his aunt sacrificed his parents to a vampire cult and then forced him to experience the psychometric echoes of that. There's just. A lot going on.

Leia at least has knowledge about structure and admin in theory that isn't based in either the military or populations under 10k

Jango: I want to be your friend. Ahsoka: Sounds fake.

I am unfairly fond of "Rex destroys a conversation by bringing up his own horrifying childhood and calling it a cult"

"Why does Sokari call you 'Rex'ika'?" "Because she's older than me." "...can I--?" "No."

Nickname privileges are extended ONLY to Ahsoka and older clones. There are no more older clones, so it's just Ahsoka.

Me joking about Star Wars AUs: Would you like a crackship? Me writing actual Star Wars fic: My favorite character type is apparently “too traumatized to have a relationship” so this is at least 90% gen.

I had to pull a scene opening at one point because Ahsoka's skill with not getting shot is actually much less useful than Tholme's clearance levels.

Now I really want a team-up of Ahsoka, Rex, and Jango where they do have to get in a dogfight of the "she flies, we shoot" variety and Fett just has to scream because the speeder thing to catch Maul was one thing, but this....

Ahsoka, before TCW: I know all the traffic rules but I'm not that great at flying! Ahsoka, after TCW: I'm great at flying but if you let me behind the wheel we are absolutely getting arrested.

She went from "knows the rules but doesn't have the skills" to "has the skills but primarily in the form of not getting shot" which! Is delightful! "Bet I can get us through that alley--" "DO NOT"

Jango and Ahsoka are both just very "Is this friendship? Is this camaraderie? My heart's been fried on platonic love by so many murders that I'm not sure anymore." "I've lost a lot of friends. I kind of forgot how to make those."

I have no idea if "hasn't been closer than Alderaan except that one trip to Chandrila" is canon-compliant but ehhhhhhhh It feels plausible enough?

Belatedly realized that I could just explain my optimal Rex&Ahsoka dynamic as just... drift compatible. It's vague enough on the specifics while still digging into the meat of what they mean to each other and how they work together. The terminology is already in existence. I can just use it.

Romantic? Platonic? Familial? Doesn't matter! They're drift compatible.

They are important to each other and that is what matters

I really like the Leia&Quinlan thing. He's just like "This small child needs a friend that isn't super depressed," and decided he's going to be her friend. I keep trying to toss in "Quinlan volunteers to 'baby'sit." She's not much older and she has a Baby Brain, it works out

There's a running bet as to whether Leia will leave the Order the second she turns thirteen, or if she'll let Sokari "train" her for a few years first. And... that’s how I came up with Leia Antilles, Senator of Serenno.

They'll be bullshitting Ben as her new master to "finish out the padawanship" since they can't tell everyone she's really in her thirties and he's conveniently there and already knows everything and was half her master anyway. Like Ben was planning on taking on Luke, but Luke is "six" and even he can't swing that as old enough to be a Padawan, and it's not like Sokari will take more than a handful of years to justify knighthood, sooooooooo

[five-rivers]

Medium Despair

For @sapphireswimming

.

Danny woke up gasping for air and fighting against his sheets. By the time he’d recognized his surroundings, he’d already rolled off his bed. He dragged in ragged, shuddering breaths. He could breathe. He could breathe. He wasn’t suffocating. He wasn’t at school, in his locker or otherwise. He could move he could stand. He did stand, skin prickling with the memory of electricity.

“Sydney?” he called, softly. “Is that you?” He could see a glowing form in the corner behind his dresser, and with that dream there weren’t a whole lot of other people it could have been, but it was polite to ask. At least in Danny’s opinion.

The ghost slid out, slowly, flickering. “Sorry, Danny,” he said, and he really did sound remorseful.

Danny might believe it more if it wasn’t 2:20 in the morning on a school night, and this wasn’t the third time Sydney had done this. Still, Sydney was something like a friend.

“What is it, Sydney?” he asked. “Did something happen at the school?” Casper High was one of the most haunted buildings in Amity Park, which honestly didn’t make sense.

Danny had done his research. The school was old, sure, but Sydney was the only person who had ever actually died there. That didn’t stop the Lunch Lady, Technus, and a whole host of others from hanging around the place, although most of those others were pretty weak. Hardly strong enough to even interact with Danny or other ghosts.

Sydney shrugged.

“Then what’s wrong?”

Sydney looked down at the ground. The puddle of not-light he cast on the ground – visible only to only Danny and other ghosts – rippled and glimmered.

Danny frowned. “I have fun talking to you during the day, Syd, but I do have to sleep. I’m human, you know?”

“I know,” said Sydney.

“So why are you here?” asked Danny, briefly spreading his arms in exasperation and the dropping them to his sides again. He was still unsettled by the dream he’d just had.

Being close to ghosts while he was sleeping was just a recipe for nightmares. They weren’t always about their deaths, but more often than not…

Sydney’s death was a particularly unpleasant one. Danny did not expect to get back to sleep. Not tonight. Hence his annoyance.

“I need to…” started Sydney, before trailing off. “I need…”

“Sydney?”

“Warn you.”

“About what?”

“Not what they seem,” whispered the ghost. He looked away and phased out through the wall.

Danny’s frown deepened. Usually, Sydney was much clearer than that. Sometimes, talking to Sydney, Danny forgot he was talking to a ghost.

Danny sat down at the edge of the bed and tried to work a kink out of his neck. He caught himself scratching at his skin as if he wanted to pull it off a minute later.

It was always like this since the accident. Especially after he had a dying dream.

Forcibly, he stopped himself. His skin was fine. There was no electricity flickering under his skin. He was alive. He was safe. His body was his body. His body.

(He was not floating above it, light as air, staring at its waxy pallor, at the glassy, empty eyes.)

He was alive, alive, alive.

Awake.

Not dead.

Slowly, he laid back down on the bed. He was alive, awake. A medium, yes, associated with more ghosts than could possibly be healthy, either physically or mentally, yes, but alive. Definitely, clearly, alive.

He didn’t like it when ghosts woke him up. Especially when they came with ominous warnings about the future.

Maybe Sydney would let Danny track him down tomorrow, but Danny doubted it.

.

“Something’s off,” said Danny, staring up at the tall front of the school.

“Yeah,” agreed Sam, “it’s Spirit Week. When the teachers participate in medieval rituals to brainwash us into supporting the troglodytes that ‘represent’ our school in sports.”

“I was going to argue,” said Tucker, “but that is about what it’s for, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” said Danny, “I don’t think it’s that. Probably. Unless there’s a ghost that appreciate the pun?”

“You appreciate puns.”

“I’m not a ghost,” said Danny, frowning at Sam.

“That’s true.”

Danny sighed. “I just have a bad feeling about this. I know you can’t see like I can, but… be careful. If you do see anything weird, let me know.”

“Hey, Danny!”

“Oh, I changed my mind. Kill me now, I want to be a ghost.”

Jazz ran up and threw an arm around Danny’s shoulders. “You left so early!” she said. “Are you excited about Spirit Week, too?”

“No,” said Danny.

Jazz paused, looked at Danny more closely. “You look terrible,” she said. “Maybe you should talk to the counselor?”

“Pass,” said Danny.

“You know, you’ll have to talk to me in more than monosyllables at some point.”

“Do I?”

Danny rolled his eyes.

“Anyway, I’ve got to go to talk to Mr. Lancer about my speech! Have a great Spirit Week, guys!”

She ran off.

“I will never understand her,” declared Sam. “But I think she does have a point about the counselor. Maybe they’d be able to help with the nightmares? At least the non-ghost-caused ones.”

“All my nightmares are caused by ghosts.”

“Eh,” said Tucker, giving a half-shrug.

“Will it make you feel better if I agree to go?”

“Yes,” said both Sam and Tucker.

“Ugh. Fine,” said Danny.

.

Danny walked though the deserted hallway, pass in hand, study hall abandoned behind him as he looked for the counselor’s office. He’d never been there before, but it should be around here somewhere, right?

A cold hand settled on his shoulder.

“You must be Danny Fenton! Your sister told me all about you.”

Danny turned to look up at a tall woman. She was dressed a lot more flamboyantly than Danny would have expected.

“Yeah? That’s me. Who are you?”

“I’m Penelope Spectra. Your counselor! Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong with you?”

“Uh,” said Danny. There was something unpleasantly an unexpectedly pejorative and assumptive about that statement. Weren’t counselors supposed to tell you that there wasn’t anything wrong with you? That your feelings were valid.

He shrugged. He couldn’t put his feelings into words.

(Couldn’t open his mouth for fear of cold leaking out past his teeth, his soul exhaled with his breath.)

(Why did he feel this way?)

“Why don’t you step into my office?”

The room was… not what he expected.

“Sorry about the dust,” said Spectra. “I’m just moving in. They upgraded me.” She smiled, showing all her teeth. “So… like I said, your sister told me a lot about you, and I have a few things I’d like to try for your laz—Excuse me. Your difficulty with staying focused. It happens sometimes with traumatic brain injuries, that a promising young mind can be—Well. In any case. I am here to support you and find a way for you to succeed. What’s troubling you?”

Danny’s ginger perch on the dusty chair turned into a frustrated slump. “Nothing,” he said. He pushed himself back up. “I should go—”

“Oh, just humor me,” said Spectra. “There has to be some reason you came. Anxiety? Stress? Social pressures?”

Danny shook his head and stood up.

“Nightmares?”

He sat back down.

.

Danny leaned over the table to whisper to Tucker during English, when they were supposed to be reviewing vocabulary words.

“Have either of you seen the counselor before?” asked Danny, after what was easily the worst week of his life. He was starting to have suspicions, but…

“Yeah,” said Tucker. “When you were in the hospital. He was pretty cool.”

“He?” asked Danny. “He?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve been seeing a ghost for the past week.”

“Ghost therapist? Well, if it’s working…”

“It isn’t. She’s from hell. I swear. A literal demon from hell.”

“Exorcism?”

“Exorcism.”

.

Jazz didn’t often come to school after hours, but she’d left several important things and she was the student body activity director, voted for and everything.

Important thing #1, her speech, which she had to practice.

Important thing #2, the—what was that?

Already spooked by the late-night atmosphere, she ducked into a doorway and peeked at the place she’d seen movement. There weren’t many classes held down that hallway, and she didn’t come down this way often, so maybe she was just—

No. That was her little brother and his friends conducting some kind of satanic ritual over a wastepaper basket.

Their parents were terrible influences. She was going to give them a stern talking to when—what what what what WHAT—

What had she just seen?

She looked back around the corner to see the… whatever it was dissolve in smoke and fire and shadows. Then Danny and his friends started cleaning up as if this was a perfectly normal Thursday night.

Jazz… Jazz was going to process this. Later.

She turned around and walked straight back out to her car. There was, after all, nothing that important.

.

“So,” said Danny, leaning towards Sam on the bleachers as he watched his sister give her speech. “Looks like we saved Spirit Week.”

“Never say that to me again,” said Sam.

“But we did. Look at all this spirit-filled people.”

“You were literally the only victim.”

“But Sam~”

“It does seem less grim, though, doesn’t it?” asked Tucker, contemplatively. “You are no longer the goth bird of happiness.”

“Maybe a bit,” allowed Sam. “I think that’s just because everyone’s glad this week is over, though. No offense, Danny.”

“None taken. I’m glad it’s over, too.”

[sophi-s]

Cost of Kindness

Chapter IV: Complications

By: sophi-s

Fandom: Darksiders video games

Words: 6,656

Characters: Raphael, Original Female Character (OC), Fury

Warnings: Blood and Injury, Swearing (a lot of it XD)

Summary:

After far too many close calls and an adventure that will last her a lifetime, Nicola and Raphael finally make their way towards Haven. Unfortunately, not everything goes as smoothly as it could.

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Many, many centuries ago taking off to the grand skies has become one of humanity's greatest dreams. They always wished to be able to fly, envying birds their wings and wishing to join them in their aerial conquest. It took many more ages to even try to think of it seriously and even longer for the humans to create the first working airplane and fulfill their dreams as the gravity kept thwarting all their plans. But once this seemingly impossible goal was accomplished, this event has been recorded on the pages of history as one of the most remarkable inventions of the human race.

When she was little, Nicola dreamed of flying on her own as well. She loved watching birds, tracking the planes soaring through the sky, so far away they looked like ants, and thinking about how it would be to have her own wings. Her dreams eventually were abandoned as she grew older, more serious and more reasonable. But honestly, if a week ago someone asked her if she would choose to have wings if she could, Nicola without hesitation would reply "a huge YES". Now however, she realised something she didn't really take into consideration before. While humans wished to rule the skies, they absolutely were not created for this. They have been made flightless, earth-ridden creatures and for a good reason. Her very apparent fear of heights made it awfully clear to her.

These thoughts were all Nicola could hear aside from the rustling of feathers on the wind as she desperately held onto her angel friend, her heart hammering in her chest, eyes wide and stomach making somersaults while everything was spinning around like a carousel. At a certain height the human body just starts to give up and refuse cooperation. For those who are afraid of heights the gap is even smaller and the symptoms more severe. All that was keeping her from fainting or throwing up there and then was the fact that she refused to look down to see how high they actually were but imagining the small buildings below her wasn't making it much better. If she survives this, she will never ask any angel for a fly again and - if it will ever be possible after the apocalypse - stay the heck away from any sort of working plane. Ground was where she belonged. Flying was not her cup of tea and no one will ever convince her otherwise.

Raphael seemed oblivious to the silent prayers spilling past her lips and just kept flying, fully focused on his destination, as she was absolutely certain she's going to die. Her muscles were completely stiff, as though she looked Medusa in the eye. She couldn't even see anything with how her face was buried in the rumpled fabric of Raphael's clothes but she assumed they were getting closer and closer. Focus on anything else than the height. Anything! She kept telling herself when her jaw started to hurt from how she was clenching her teeth. Easier said than done. Nicola knew that Raphael wasn't going to drop her. He promised her and lately she learned to trust him but the pull of gravity beckoning her down into the abyss and to a long plummet ending in a painful impact and certain death… The last time she was this panicked was when the Fallen jumped her out of nowhere. Speaking of which… God, please, let this be a smooth flight. No demons, I'm begging you..

Encounter with stray demons was the last thing they needed now. She didn't doubt Raphael's ability to defend both her and himself but if a flying demon was to attack them from surprise… Not a single part of her already malfunctioning brain could produce a scenario that wouldn't end in either of them dying or at least suffering grave injuries. In short words, any sort of aerial confrontation would mean serious trouble. And trouble wasn't something Nicola missed. Especially after the last night..

Seems like her prayers have been answered. So far nothing noticed an angel and a human passing overhead. And those demons which did apparently decided not to bother them since it didn't seem worth it or had no way of giving them trouble from where they were standing. Nicola stopped counting seconds of their journey long ago and the only indication of the passing time was the wind rushing through her hair slowing down as Raphael started to try and spare as much energy as he could, gliding whenever possible on his wings simply stretched out on both sides and flapping them only to keep the right height, out of range of any demons that could be sulking below when he began to grow weary. His stamina wasn't probably in the best condition after the time he spent in hiding and most likely not moving much.

When she gets back to Haven, Nicola is going to first, eat a solid lunch since her stomach was displeased again - though now she couldn't really feel it twisted in panic like that - second, go the fuck to sleep for the rest of the day. Even though she spent the last night sleeping like a dead woman, she didn't feel that well rested. The amount of stress she had to endure exhausted her and a few hours of rest weren't enough to regenerate her full strength. High on her bucket list was also taking care of Raphael, to at least make him look decent and dress any wounds he carried. Elanya could do that too but Nicola couldn't imagine that Raphael would let a maker he doesn't know do anything to him. She remembered how distrustful he was in the beginning. And after she gets back, no more escapades if not necessary. At least two weeks long break. Ulthane is going to make sure she stays there anyway so she might as well spend her time on sleeping and some light activities. 

Speaking of Ulthane… Nicola wasn't actually sure what she'd say to him once she suddenly showed up in Haven after all that time with a traumatized, crazy angel at her side. To say it will be awkward as heck, would be a severe understatement. It's not even about Raphael. How is she going to explain herself to the overbearing maker who is standing on his head to save the last survivors of her kind while, by nearly killing herself three times already, she acted nothing if not ungrateful? And honestly, she wasn't in shape to wonder about it now because her mind refused to focus on anything else than this one thought of the lethal distance between her and the ground. Damn it all.. Why does she have to be afraid of heights and find out this very unpleasant way? Really, if someone tried to take her from Raphael before he landed or too short time after, they'd probably need a crowbar to pry her off him.

While Nicola thought that the flight itself was awful, the moment her stomach seemed to move up into her gullet as Raphael dipped towards the ground she unwittingly shrilly cried out in fear. And that was a mistake. The angel, startled by the quiet human he'd been holding this entire time suddenly screaming bloody murder for no apparent reason, tried to halt his descent to figure out what's wrong but it was already too late for that. As a result the landing was rather rough. Nicola closed her eyes and so she didn't see how Raphael clumsily hit the ground and barely kept himself propped up not to land on top of her as she slipped out of his grasp and lost her grip on his robes. The expectations of a long fall made her throat tighten and trap her voice inside. All the bigger relief once after barely an inch or two, her back connected with the surface, drawing a soft and strained "oof" from her.

Still scared, disoriented and confused, Nicola opened her eyes to see wide-eyed Raphael hunched over her, hands on either side of her head - with the staff to her left - and gawking at  her with a slight panic on his face. Goodness, he was way too close. Pulling her arms close to her body in a helpless attempt to regain her personal space, she smiled awkwardly.

"H-hi there!"

The moment he saw that nothing was wrong and her face regained some of its color, Raphael breathed with relief and got off her, once again offering his hand to help her up. Once back on her feet, Nicola nearly cried out when she felt the solid ground under the soles of her boots. Blessed earth, she could literally kiss it right now. But the fact that they were not in Haven yet disconcerted her a little. Looking around, she noticed they're in an empty street in the middle of nowhere. Casting a questioning glance at Raphael she didn't even need to ask. The way his wings were slumped against his back, his breath heavier than before said it all. Plain and simple, Raphael was tired. Too tired to keep going. Still, he was eyeing her cautiously.

"Why… why were you screaming?"

Still feeling the nausea and the shaking of her knees, Nicola scratched the back of her neck and turned her eyes away ashamed.

"Ahuh… I'm not-... I'm not used to flying, that dip scared me a little. Sorry about this.."

Raphael said nothing to this, simply nodded, and lowered himself to the dusted road to have a seat by one of the decrepit stores. Nicola decided to let him have his five minutes to rest before going any further. Store. She suddenly realised. And not just any. A grocery store. At the mere thought her stomach rumbled. Not only could she have something for herself but also gather some stuff for others! If anything there is still edible that is. It wouldn't hurt to check. Every bit of food is precious.

"Raphael, can you wait here for a bit? I'll be back in a jiffy."

Out of the corner of her eye she already saw him shift in apprehension and almost begin to stand up. Probably because she ran once already and in his mind could do it again. She proceeded to calm him down immediately by pointing at the building she intended to search.

"I'll just go in there to look for stuff, don't worry. I will come back."

Staring at her for a couple of intense seconds, Raphael eyed her from head to toe twice before his concerned gaze softened a bit.

"Promise me…?"

Nicola smiled reassuringly and nodded. There weren't many options for her if she did want to run off. Besides, she wasn't quite sure where she was just yet. Her orientation in terrain was… less than decent as of late.

"I promise."

She offered and once Raphael sat somewhat comfortably back down, she took her backpack and shotgun - just in case - and stepped in through a broken window. The inside of the store was in utter disarray and even that was putting it lightly. Most of the shelves were toppled over, some even in pieces. Glinting shards of glass littered the floor, crunching under Nicola's feet every time she made a step. Unsurprisingly, nothing was working. No lights, no freezers, no ventilation. No time to waste. Nicola began her search immediately.

Approaching the fruit stand greeted her with bitter disappointment. Apples, oranges, pears and many other fruits were already rotten and sometimes even coated in white specks of mould. Definitely not good. With vegetables it was exactly the same. The only carrot that looked acceptable at first, turned out to have been completely wilted. Tossing it aside, Nicola moved on. She didn't even bother looking for meat. The stench hit her the moment she came inside and were it not for the smell of decomposing corpses that drifted around the sewers when she was there, she probably would've thrown up where she stood. Instead, she just covered her mouth and nose with her bandana.

Any dairy products were off the table too. Without working freezers every single one of them has surely gone sour by now. A diarrhea was not something she wanted to have in Haven and most likely neither did the makers. Nicola didn't dare to so much as touch any eggs that still were somehow intact. Bad idea. A smelly one as well. There's no way some of them haven't gone bad yet. The risk wasn’t worth it. Passing by one of the mostly whole shelves, she absent mindedly grabbed a bag of dry cat food and stuffed it into her backpack. It was highly probable that most of the survivors would be feeding the kitten with any leftovers but.. just to make sure the poor thing doesn't starve to death.

Most of the jars have broken during initial earthquakes but two small jars of pickles seemed to be mostly alright. Without giving it much thought, she placed them in her backpack. Four bags of freeze-dried fruits quickly found their way into her pockets once she got a hold of them. Under a broken shelf, Nicola spotted an edge of some packet. Assuming it was just crackers or something, she reached into the rubble for it but once she pulled it out… she immediately regretted her decision. It was, in fact, not a bag of crackers. It was a whole, torn bag of soured cabbage coated in some strange growth - probably mould - she didn't get a chance to really look at because her attention was caught by something inside the bag. Probably squeezed in through the tear and got stuck, a small, bloated body of a gigantic, hellish critter. Instinctively, Nicola yelped quietly and without giving it much thought she lobbed the thing across the whole store before wiping her hand on the nearest piece of rag that wasn't her clothes. She didn't even get any of the spilling juices on her but… gross. Just gross. Ew ew ew! Ignoring the wet splat the bag made when it hit the floor wasn't an easy task. Still shaking off the disgust, she continued her search, noting to herself never to touch something she isn't sure what it is.

From there it thankfully was starting to go much smoother. Two packets of crispbread, some dark chocolate and a box of tea were found and collected. Nicola nearly cheered out loud when she spotted a few Snickers on a shelf. One she immediately opened and eagerly ate while the rest landed safely in her backpack. It might be mostly sugar with a bit of peanuts but it was a good snack that could deceive the brain for quite some time. To be frank, Nicola lived half of the high school on those whenever her lessons lasted too long for her breakfast to keep her sated. Besides, she couldn't imagine others would mind her bringing a bunch. Especially Marie. Jacob will most likely strangle Nicola if his daughter eats too much sweets but in the end it'll be worth it. Anything would be worth putting a smile on that sad little face.

Somewhere on the floor, Nicola even found a box of vitamins which luckily was not out of date yet. With a deficit of fruits and vegetables, those could be lifesavers. Especially for Leslie. She needs the most of it. Unfortunately, the space in her backpack was very much limited and soon she couldn't put anything more in there. Rearranging the contents of it, she put in one bottle of water, careful not to crush the crispbread and chocolate. At least she found something. Her escapade wasn't all for nothing when it comes to supplies. But even without those, she wouldn't say she regrets it. Against all the odds, she lived. And most importantly, she gained an otherworldly friend. And in times like these, a friend is something to be treasured.

Slinging her now much heavier backpack on her shoulders, she picked up her gun and headed towards the broken window she used as an entrance before. Peeking out from the store, she saw Raphael where she'd left him and a very much awake cat playfully attacking the longest quill of his left wing. His head perked up when she dropped onto the sidewalk beneath the window and she could've sworn she'd seen the corner of his mouth twitch upwards for a second there. Smiling, she unfolded her hands and shrugged.

"See? I keep my promises."

The angel hummed quietly before leaning his head against the wall behind him and closing his eyes. Nicola was about to ask if he's good to go but let the thought perish when she noticed his eyebrows furrow and his chapped lips twist into a slight grimace. Soon after, his right hand wandered up to his chest as he took a couple of quick and shallow breaths through his clenched teeth. If Nicola didn't know any better, she'd have said Raphael was having a heart attack. Can an angel even have an infarct? She honestly had no idea. In fact, she didn't even know how old he is. She couldn't tell. All the angels she'd met so far had white hair so that's not a hint to go by and his face didn't necessarily look old or young. He seemed as ageless as the time itself. Still, she didn't want to take any chances.

"Raphael? What's wrong?!"

She asked as she crouched beside him and laid a hand on his shoulder to steady him if needed. Raphael simply slowly shook his head and turned to look at her tiredly. And in his blank eyes she saw the already familiar pain and a spark of a silent plea.

"Just a little longer.. Let me rest a while…"

It took everything Nicola had in her to stop the sigh of relief. It didn't sit right with her that Raphael was still suffering and she could do absolutely nothing about it but hearing he's mostly fine, with only the usual ailing him, made her feel a tad easier. When his breathing grew slower and calmer, she even let herself slip down to the floor beside him.

"Sure. We have time, I guess.."

It was still relatively early, barely an hour or two after noon and Nicola wasn't that eager to return into the sky so soon. Only thinking about it made her feel a little sick. Hopefully, it wasn't too far to Haven from here. Even though Nicola really wanted to finally get home, she decided to be patient with her companion. He was wounded and most likely ill but he still tried his best to help her, even though he hadn't known her that long. He deserves a moment. Nicola too needed to sit down for a second as her thigh was still a bloody nuisance. Just a few more minutes. It wouldn't do harm to have a little break now, would it?

Yes. Yes it would. Nicola suddenly realised when she saw the kitten arc its back and puff its tail out. It hisses loudly before scurrying away into the store she just left and soon enough Nicola realised why once she looked into an alley ahead of her. The sight of a massive, winged shape made it painfully obvious. Her heart nearly ceased and Raphael beside her tensed at the sight of an enormous demon with curved horns and teeth, each the size of her palm, resembling a set of barbed knives made specifically to cut meat. The edges of long healed wounds that left behind terrible scars on her abdomen began to itch as she gawked at the familiar monster that nearly took her life. Flapping of gigantic wings that covered the sky with its expanse… Razor sharp claws curling around her body… the same talons tearing into her flesh as Ulthane attempted to free her from its grasp. And this shriek… oh God, this shriek…

Despite the apparent pain and exhaustion, Raphael slowly - not to agitate the demon - got up to his feet and raised his wings threateningly as he stepped in front of aghast Nicola. The fact that due to its bulkiness this thing seems almost twice as large as he is doesn't make an impression on him. Or maybe it does but he doesn't show it. The Fallen stared at Raphael with its small red eyes as a pair of Phantom Guards rounded a corner and joined the beast. Each carried a jagged blade that could easily tear through angelic armor. Nicola had seen it happen. Following them was another bloody Goreclaw. But these three she barely even noticed. Her wide eyes were focused on the larger demon. She felt her muscles refuse cooperation and seize. She couldn't move, couldn't speak. Her mind repeatedly screamed No nono no NO! Not like this!!

With excited roars, the lesser demons charged towards the angel standing between them and the weak, pathetic and helpless human as the Fallen spread its wings and took off into the air. Even as Nicola kept stone still, Raphael remained sharp and ready to act as always. One spell spilled past his lips and the flying demon instantly went rigid before plummeting back onto the ground and crashing into a broken car, setting its annoying alarm off. It didn't discourage the other three but it let Nicola find will to move and clutch her gun tighter. Ever since she'd met Raphael, he'd been doing nothing but getting her arse out of trouble. Taking a shaky breath she decided to start repaying favors.

Though, once again she didn't really have a chance to do anything as she was dumbstruck by the following scene playing out before her. As the hellish monsters charged, Raphael took his staff in both hands and held it before himself, closing his eyes and muttering an incantation in his melodious language. The moment the first demon stepped a tad too close, Raphael's eyes snapped open, burning like two white suns and a sleek ethereal blade materialized from the tip of what Nicola previously thought just an ornament or a walking cane. It glowed like the purest light ever to exist. Another assumption Nicola made about Raphael turned out to have been false. The last thing she can say about him is unarmed. He carried no blade, no gun or anything but who needs a weapon as lame as those when in addition to powerful sorcery you have a freaking lightsaber?

Everything lasted less than a second as the angel led a wide, sweeping slash of his spectral sword… spear thing… and promptly relieved the Phantom Guard of its horned head, before stopping the pouncing Goreclaw with a flick of his free hand, suspending it in the air growling and hissing. The other Phantom Guard had no chance to either attack the vulnerable angel or retreat, when Raphael was busy cutting down the quadrupedal demon, as Nicola came back to her senses and, instead of running like she always has, jumped forward and fired her shotgun. The resounding bang travelled through the entire city, bouncing off the walls and drifting far into the desolate town but it had the effect Nicola counted on.

The Phantom Guard staggered backwards with a chest full of buckshot, wheezed a couple times and tripped over onto its back never to get up again. With adrenaline still pumping through her veins, Nicola stared at the either dead or dying demon in wonderment, her brain trying to process what just happened, before releasing a breathless laugh of triumph. She killed one. She actually killed one! Raphael too seemed rather surprised but not unpleasantly so as he let the blade fade away.

"I got it! Did you see that?!"

"That indeed, I have.."

He said as he eyed her carefully, probably just to check if she's fine. Aside from a little fresh blood on his boots and hands, Raphael didn't seem to have gotten hurt in any way. Well… more than he'd already been at least. Nicola beamed up at him nearly bursting with pride at her actual first kill on a demon larger than her shin. And he seemed happy for her, if the soft smile he regarded her with could be an indication. But this victory didn't last long. Her own smile faded when she saw the Fallen stiffly getting up from where it slammed onto the ground, pure rage on its monstrous face. Her pulse began to race again but this time she refused to let the panic get a hold of her just yet.

"Watch out!!"

She cried too late, just a sliver of a second too late. Raphael whipped around to face the attacker and all he managed to do was raise his hand before the charging demon swung its head to the left. And with the force of a truck driving at the speed of fifty miles per hour, slammed it into the angel, making a formula of a spell die on his lips as he was sent flying through the air and crashing against a nearby building. The force of the impact caved in the wall and the kind, mad angel disappeared in a cloud of dust. All that was left were a couple of white feathers slowly falling to the ground.

"NO!"

Nicola didn't pay any mind to how her voice broke and squeaked pitifully when her heart leaped up into her throat. She could only stare at the place where Raphael vanished with a rumbling crash as the enraged demon growled in the same direction. Not a single part of her being agreed with what she'd just witnessed. A second before he was standing right there, like nothing was about to happen, distracted by her gushing over her first serious kill. Nothing should have happened, why did the demon unravel Raphael's magic just like that? Even a Shadowcaster didn't manage to do that! Why would this one? And why… Tears welled up in her eyes as her lower lip trembled… why did it have to… end the way it did…?

To make matters worse, the Fallen was still before her, still furious and thirsting for blood. Not wasting more time, Nicola pulled out a handful of new bullets and tried to reload her weapon but it proved almost impossible with how much her hands were shaking. Thank Christ, the demon was taking its sweet time as it faced her and began to lumber towards her on all fours, huffing out breaths stinking of rotting meat. Faster, faster, damn it! Nicola cursed inwardly when she dropped a couple of shells before she finally managed to place the ammunition where it should be. But when she looked up, the Fallen was on top of her already. Parting its jaws wide, ready to swallow her whole.

The scream of anguish that felt so tempting in the back of her throat never came to be. In a second, Nicola thought about all the horrors she'd lived through. All demons she'd met, all shambling corpses of former humans brought back by vile sorcery. All friends she'd made and lost.. Raphael, do just one thing for me. She gritted her teeth as her knuckles turned white from how she was gripping her weapon. Despair started to turn into rage. Burning bright and white hot inside of her, the flame Raphael had helped her see. Please, be alive when I come for you… The demon lunged forward to sever the string of her measly life by biting her in half. But Nicola wasn't going to let it get her so easily. Her fear was forgotten as she stuck the barrel of her shotgun into the monster's opened maw. She didn't want to die. Not now, not like this. For once she wanted to have a say over her own fate. Over the date of her demise. She is still young, she had a whole life ahead of her. And all those demonic dickheads with the Destroyer leading the charge decided to ruin everything and not only for her, but for every human who lives still and who has perished. And those who are yet to be born. She refused. She will not die. Not here. Not killed by that thing.

"FUCKOFF!!!"

And she fired. Partially, the sound was muffled by the demon's mouth snapping shut just barely missing Nicola's arms as she let go of her gun. The Fallen recoiled and began to shriek in pain, spitting out its own blood onto the concrete at its feet. Nicola didn't have delusions she could kill it but it gave her the precious seconds she needed. She ran for the closest hiding place available, which was the store she just left. Nicola leaped in through the broken window and quickly made it to the opposite wall to put as much distance between herself and the writhing monstrosity as possible. And it was a good choice.  A loud roar from the street made her heart fall into her heels as the injured demon finally gathered its bearings.

Nicola looked at the Fallen that was coming her way with murder in its eyes. The unexpected bout of courage has long faded and the petrifying fear once again had Nicola in its chilling grasp. Even with the mouthful of bullets, the Fallen did not intend to give up on its prey. And here she hoped it would piss off if she fed it with lead… Snarling and panting, the demon approached the broken window with its own blood pouring from between its sharp fangs. It only added to the menacing image of the beast that had Nicola trembling and frozen.

Think, Nicola, THINK! What can she do against an opponent far bigger, stronger and more dangerous than a single human without a weapon? The Fallen was trying to fit through the window, reaching out with its clawed paw to try and get her. Nicola looks around in panic, looking for anything that could save her. In a grocery store. Good luck. Eventually, she says "fuck it" and grabs a most likely rancid egg. The laughably small projectile splatters over the face of the demon with a squelch and even from far away Nicola is sure this egg was definitely rotten. Even the Fallen stops for a second to shake the disgusting goop off of its head but before it's done, another egg flies through the air and cracks on its head, just as stinky as the previous one.

"How'd ya, like that, asshole?! Wanna have some more?!"

Nicola yells at the demon, holding yet another egg, fully prepared to just chuck it at the monster. Unfortunately, all she managed to do was piss it off even further as its efforts in reaching her doubled. Pieces of plaster and bricks were coming loose as the demon tried to wriggle into the shop to finally kill that annoying pest lobbing small, smelly things at it. As a result, an egg once again hit the demon while Nicola kept shouting out profanities that probably made her poor mother toss and turn in her grave. She's not going down without a fight, even if the said fight is done by throwing eggs and all the gross shit she found on the floor. But she knew she isn’t getting out of this one.

And so, this is it. Nicola couldn't believe she would die by the claws of the same creature that nearly killed her once before. Was Ulthane rescuing her only delaying the inevitable? What a sick joke… Why does fate insist on being cruel? There was so much she wanted to say, so many apologies she had to give… so little time… There was nothing she could do. At least… she will see Nicholas again.. her parents and every friend she'd lost in this cursed apocalypse. A miracle would've been nice. A tiny one. Just this once. Please?

And boy, did she get her wish. A sudden force violently tearing the Fallen out of the shop nearly startled her out of her dirty and tattered jeans. Hardly believing her eyes, she watched as her would-be killer screeched in rage and surprise when it was wrenched free from the ruined window and was gone from her vision. A sudden tremor shook the whole building, sending small bits of debris raining down on her head as a mighty roar reverberated through her very bones. But it wasn't the Fallen. It was something meaner. Something… Nicola swallowed thickly at the thought… bigger. Or at least as large as this fucker. Then came clacking of metal, ungodly screeching of the demon. A second later Nicola saw as it was flung through the air like a sack of potatoes and crashed against a block of flats. Instant karma. She thinks with bitter satisfaction when she remembers what that faggot did to Raphael. I need to somehow get to him. Honestly though, she doesn't really want to know what managed to just YEET a Fallen like a skipping rock.

Unfortunately, she finds out and finds out quite soon. From her hideout, she sees an enormous creature, nearly as big as the demon that threatened her, charging towards the stunned monster still bleeding from its mouth. If Nicola had been terrified of the Fallen, then she was on the verge of having a straight out SCA after seeing this chunk of a behemoth. Whatever this thing was, it was the size of an average tree. Its armored hide was burning with red and white flames which were enveloping twin jagged, metal whips it held in its hands. Vestigial wings were trembling with wrath as it turned its radiant white eyes at the battered demon. Between a pair of sweeping horns that crowned its head was a flickering blaze that flared with each step the monstrosity took towards its quarry. Right.. What's the best way to get rid of a monster? Sic a stronger monster on it. The Fallen shrugged off and growled at its new assailant, challenging it to a fight.

While the two beasts were circling one another, battling she couldn't even guess what for, Nicola braced for what was to come. This is a horrible idea. Breath in and breath out. In and out. And when the Fallen pounced at its attacker, she bolted. Not stopping, she ran. Through the street the demons were fighting on, past them - so close she could feel the heat radiating off of the newcomer - and into the building Raphael disappeared in. Nicola hoped she was ready for what she was about to find. She really did. Jumping in through the punched in wall however, she soon found out she was, in fact, not ready. The moment she entered, she immediately caught the sight that made something squeeze inside of her.

On a pile of rubble from the destroyed wall was Raphael coated in dust. Still. Not moving, his mesmerising white eyes shut. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh God, oh NO! Not thinking, all fear and uncertainty she ever felt in his presence was long cast away, Nicola rushed over to him pleading, begging everything that would listen for him to be alive. Don't leave me here like this… Dropping at his side into the rubble, Nicola lays her ear on the top of his chest and doesn't let herself relax until she hears a heartbeat and a shallow breath within. Words cannot describe how much she deflated once she did. He's still alive.. but he doesn’t look good.

"Raphael! Please say something! Can you hear me?!"

Thankfully, angel's eyes lolled open as she spoke to him, hinting that he indeed can hear her. Trying his best to keep his unfocused gaze on her face, Raphael furrowed his eyebrows and lifted his upper lip in a pained sneer as his hand wandered up to clutch at his side where the demon's heat struck him.

"Nnn… Nnii… co…"

He weakly attempted to speak but without much success. No joke, he must've hit his head really hard and she dreaded to think about the state of his ribcage.. But hey! At least he hears and understands what Nicola is saying. And it's a good sign.. right…? Wasting no more time, Nicola helped him sit up, keeping her hand on his forehead to steady him as his own palm rested over hers. Even squinting in pain, Raphael kept looking at her, as though she was the only point of focus he could think of.

"Hang in there, okay?! Please, Phel.. We'll be fine…"

Liar. Something snaps at her. They're pretty much defenseless and vulnerable with a very livid demon still threatening them. One or the other will come out victorious. And to the victor go the spoils… Raphael tried to say something but still couldn't formulate words properly due to the splitting headache pulsing through his entire skull. Though even through ringing in his head and pain in his chest that somehow rivaled the one he constantly felt, he found something in this human's words that baffled him. In her panic, Nicola doesn't catch a puzzled look he sends her way.

Phel?

A choked up cry of a dying demon made them both jump a little and look out through the hole Raphael made when the demon gored him. Just in time to see the flaming beast standing on top of the Fallen and strangling it with its whips. Then, the creature of… quite blatantly feminine curves gave one sharp tug and the demon's head was brutally severed from the rest of its body. And everything fell silent.

Instinctively, Nicola halted her breath and ceased any movement, watching the winner (Nicola felt fully comfortable with calling it per "she" now) shoot a glance towards her and Raphael who by this point tiredly laid his head on her shoulder, heaving in attempts to draw a proper breath. The creature approached slowly, keeping Nicola frozen in place and desperately holding onto her injured friend. When the demon was at the wall, only her massive legs were visible. Seconds ticked by as a set of claws rested above the opening to the house, and a monstrous head loomed through the hole.

That would be more than enough to make Nicola pass right the Hell out but.. Something about this creature intrigued her. It didn't have a snarling, toothy maw but an almost featureless face with the curve of a nose and a pair of bright and ferocious, intelligent eyes. It stared at her with more understanding than any demon Nicola had ever seen. Whatever it was, it didn't seem aggressive for some weird reason. At least not yet.. Then, unexpectedly, the creature was enveloped in red flames as its humongous form began to shrink and reshape into something much smaller but still a good two heads taller than an average human.

From the hot light emerged a very humanlike woman in intricate metal armor. Black tattoos marked her stern face around her luminous, white eyes and on her forehead, right below the line of incredibly dense magenta colored hair which floated freely around her head, defying gravity like it's the most natural thing in the world. Whoever it was, even with an intimidating aura of strength and resolve, her close resemblance to a human calmed Nicola somewhat. Plus, she had to admit that this woman had the looks. Men would probably be killing one another for her. Honestly, Nicola felt kind of jealous.. But considering she was still pretty much helpless with a half-conscious angel leaned against her, it didn't put her fully at ease. At least until the stranger spoke in plain English. Then Nicola finally released the breath she was holding. Crossing her arms, the tall lady sneered slightly at the human and angel before her.

"Well, would you look at that. Guess it's your lucky day today."

--------------------------------------------------

It's finally done, my goodness! This one was hard to get right but I made it. Don’t ask me how i managed to finish it with two pictures, I have no clue :I

Fury makes an appearance! Badass as always. :D

Also, can I get an F for Raphael's poor ribs?

[miguel-manbemel]

Aspects & Fanfics Ep. 44: Beware the Paladin Part 4: The Gift from the Core

Here comes another part of this five-part story on this fic inspired on Sanders Sides by Thomas Sanders, Joan S. and the Foster Dawg Team. I hope that you’re still enjoying this story and see ya in two weeks with the finale of Beware the Paladin.

SYNOPSIS: Patton tries to get in touch with the Mind Palace Core to find a way to cure Janus and wake him up, and this way being able to restore Thomas’ connection with his Sides. Meanwhile Virgil and Roman try to fix their relationship, very damaged by the Paladin’s words.

WARNINGS: Slight, implied innuendo references, mentions to divorce and breakups.

EPISODE INDEX

[Joan arrives to their home. Talyn is there]

TALYN: Joan? What are you doing here? I thought you were staying with Thomas this week.

JOAN: I am, Talyn, but the truth is I’m gonna need you to come with me, at least today.

TALYN: What? Why? Is something wrong with Thomas?

JOAN: To an extent, it is. Don’t worry, it’s not too serious, but Thomas needs you.

TALYN: Okay, I’ll help in any way I can… but I’m gonna need you to give me a moment to get dressed and put a basic makeup on. I’m not getting out of the house like this.

JOAN: Okay, it’s on me, I should have phoned you in advance so that you would get ready. Don’t worry, it’s not a strict emergency, but please, don’t take too long. I don’t want to leave Thomas alone for too long, at least for this week.

TALYN: [going to their room while Joan waits on the living room] Why don’t you bring me up to date about what has happened while I’m getting ready?

JOAN: Sure. You see, as you know, I went to the hospital to get Thomas and lift him home. After two weeks of treatment, he’s totally recovered from his bipolar disorder crisis. He was so happy, so lively, with such an excellent mood… Until he tried to summon his Sides and discovered he couldn’t anymore. Not only that. When I summoned them, because I still can, he couldn’t see or hear them and they couldn’t physically touch him, as if they were ghosts.

TALYN: [from their room] Wow… that must have been a shock for him.

JOAN: It was, for him and for the Sides too. Logan thinks it’s because of the medication, which has disturbed Thomas’ brainwaves and weakened the connection. I had the idea, and Logan confirmed that it could work, that you could try to hypnotize us both again to reestablish that connection by synchronizing Thomas’ current brainwaves with mine. That’s why I came here to fetch you.

TALYN: Oh, of course, I’ll be happy to help. I’ll do it as soon as when we get there.

JOAN: I hope you can, because, you see, there’s another part of the story. Two weeks ago, as I told you back then, when the Paladin was on the loose, he attacked Janus and hit him on the head with his heavy sword, causing him a traumatic brain injury. The point is he has been unconscious ever since, and without him awaken we can’t perform the hypnosis, because all Sides must be in autopilot when we do it. I’m sure you remember what happened when they weren’t.

TALYN: Oh… I see… Is there anything we can do to help?

JOAN: We can’t, but Patton has stepped in to help. Logan suggested that only Patton, as a former Master Side, can help Janus wake up. He’s going to go to the Mind Palace Core to try to get in touch with the Core itself so it can give him a solution. He’s probably doing it right at this moment. The problem is that it’s too dangerous. The Core is in many ways like a black hole, it can absorb Sides and destroy them. Patton is literally risking his life to save Janus’.

TALYN: Goodness, I hope he’s all right…

JOAN: Me too, Talyn… Okay, I brought you up to date. Are you ready yet?

TALYN: Almost ready. Just give me a second to retouch my eyebrows and we’re good to go.

JOAN: Good, because if Patton is successful, Thomas will need us there. I really hope he’s successful, for Patton’s sake, but also for Janus’ and Thomas’ sake. I fear what will become of Thomas if he can’t make contact with his Sides anymore.

[Talyn gets out of their room]

TALYN: Okay, I’m ready.

JOAN: Good, let’s go then.

[Joan and Talyn get out of the house and into the car]

[intro sequence]

[Patton rises up in the Mind Palace Center. It’s exactly as they left it when Chris’ rescue was over months ago. Chris’ arrow that hit the Dark Master is even still on the floor, full of dust]

PATTON: Gosh, does no one clean this place, ever? This is gonna be the center… of criticism… Okay, Patton, that was really awful. You know that when you’re so distressed your jokes are horrible, so stop making bad jokes no one’s gonna hear… There’s the Core. As bright as always… [shows a face of fear] as dangerous as always… [takes a deep breath] but it’s our only hope now, so please, Core, have mercy on us, and especially on me right now. First, I’m gonna need to secure myself so that I don’t get absorbed if I get too close.

[Patton summons a rope tied to a stake firmly stuck into the floor. Then he ties the rope firmly around his wrist. He unties his cat onesie and throws it behind him]

PATTON: I wouldn’t forgive myself if the onesie got untied and absorbed by the Core, it was given to me by Logan, it’s too much valuable for me. If something happened to me… I want him to keep that garment, so that he can remember me and how much he meant to me… Don’t be so fatalist, Patton, you’re gonna see Logan again in no time, you’ll see… Okay, this should do it. I summoned the stake at least a couple of meters into the ground, which will leave a huge dent on the floor. That’s not a very nice way of treating this sanctuary, but no one’s gonna complain anyway. Sort of, I’m the only Master left out of the Core right now, even if I’m not a Master anymore, so in a way this place is mine now, and besides, I’m positive the only Master inside the Core whose opinion I care about would certainly approve. I hope the rope is strong enough and the stake can hold on in place. My life depends on it… [sighs, then looks at the Core in fear, his whole body is slightly shaking] I’m so scared… this could be my final moment in the Mind Palace… but I have to do this, for Janus, for Thomas… Enough overthinking, Patton. It’s now or never. Let’s go.

[Patton starts walking towards the Core. When he approaches it, he starts feeling a force pulling from him. The rope seems to be strong enough, though, so he keeps on walking. Soon, he’s levitating on the air, tied to the rope which gets tense, as tense as Patton’s gesture]

PATTON: Please, don’t break, rope… I think I’m close enough, though, I can feel all sorts of feelings from inside the Core. I’ll try to enter in communication with these feelings and maybe I’ll receive an answer.

[Patton closes his eyes and concentrates, still levitating, tied to the rope, some brightness glows out of the Core as bright translucent flames that reach Patton. When the translucent flames touch Patton, he starts smiling and nodding, as if he was having a conversation without words, and a bright light-blue aura that starts surrounding him gets in contact with the brightness from the Core. Meanwhile, in Roman’s room, Virgil enters Roman’s bedroom. Roman is in bed there and looks at Virgil]

ROMAN: Hi, my love… How is Thomas doing?

VIRGIL: [cold voice] Fine, I guess… How are you feeling now, Roman?

ROMAN: I’m almost okay now. It’s been bad days, but now that the symptoms are almost gone, I think I’m ready to get out of bed and start a normal life again. Thanks for asking.

VIRGIL: [same cold voice, avoiding eye contact] That’s nice…

[Virgil gets silent. Roman looks at him]

ROMAN: Anyway… How are you doing now, Virgil? Since you moved to the guest bedroom after Patton left to take care of Logan, I barely see you each day, only at meals and you barely share a couple of words with me. This is the longest conversation we’ve had in two weeks.

VIRGIL: Do you even care how I am doing, anyway? I’m okay, I guess…

ROMAN: Virgil, please, we need to talk this out. This dynamic that we have established is unhealthy. At least it’s very hard for me.

VIRGIL: This wasn’t easy for me either. But… I wasn’t ready to face you yet. The Paladin’s words still dance in my head each and every minute, even in my sleep.

ROMAN: I have apologized to you a thousand times already to no avail. Isn’t there any way for you to forgive me?

VIRGIL: “Sorry” isn’t always the magic word that solves each and any issue, Roman. I know you probably are sorry, but that’s not enough to magically fix all of this. Apologizing doesn’t change the facts, nor does it change the pain you made me go through… or the disappointment I feel every time I look at you in the eye. Being close to you… has hurt me these past few days, that’s why I’ve been avoiding you. And I didn’t see a way to stop the pain other than staying away from you.

ROMAN: [both scared and sad] Are you saying that… you want to break up with me?

[Virgil looks at Roman right in the eye for the first time, with a sad face of longing]

VIRGIL: No, I’m not saying that… I have wanted to avoid you… but at the same time I didn’t wanna leave your side and I worried about you and your safety each minute I was away from you. I wanted to avoid you to stop the pain, but at the same time avoiding you caused me more pain, cause I longed for you, so I accomplished nothing. I have thought about that question you’ve just asked, Roman, if I wanted to break up with you. I’ve had plenty of time to meditate about it and every time I always reached the same conclusion: I still wanna fight for our relationship and for our family. I want to believe that there is still a chance for us to go through this crisis and emerge stronger as a couple. I think the only way to stop the pain is by working it out, together, and I’m willing to try if you are. I still love you, Roman.

ROMAN: And I love you too, Virgil, and if you give me the chance to prove to you that my love for you is real, I swear I won’t throw it away.

VIRGIL: One part of me is yelling at me to let you go… but my heart wants me to seek refuge in your arms and never leave your shielding comfort… [looks at Roman with a glance of sadness and overwhelming love at the same time] I guess I’m my father’s son… my heart’s voice is stronger. I love you too much to give you up... maybe I’m bound to love you all of my life, even in spite of myself.

ROMAN: I swear I’ll requite that love as you deserve, Virgil. I’ll make myself worthy of your love for me, I promise. And I also need you in my arms, Virgil. You have no idea how much. Come here, my love.

[Virgil approaches Roman and they both hug and kiss. Meanwhile, Remus, Logan and Ian are still waiting next to Janus’ bed]

LOGAN: He’s taking too long. I’m so worried.

REMUS: Relax, Log, I’m sure Patton will be all right.

LOGAN: I can’t relax, Remus. At this very moment, he could be gone already, and we would never know for certain, because we can’t follow him. I’m so scared for his safety.

IAN: You love Patton very much, don’t you, Logan?

LOGAN: He taught me the real value of feelings, Ian. He taught me the only thing I couldn’t learn myself from my Library, that love is the real force that moves everything, stronger than any other force in the natural world, and worth to fight for more than anything else in life. How could I not love him when it was him who taught me how to love?

IAN: That’s so sweet…

REMUS: A little sappy, but I like sappy sometimes. I understand you, Logan, and I hope that Patton returns, [looking at the unconscious Janus] for both our sake.

LOGAN: I really hope he returns and also that his trip is worth the risk and Janus can be saved too.

REMUS: Thanks, Teach.

[At that moment, Patton appears from the ceiling, landing on the floor in front of Logan. Logan looks at Patton. For a second, he doesn’t react, then his face lightens up and he sports a wide smile, then he hugs Patton]

LOGAN: [happy] Patton, you’re back!

PATTON: Of course I’m back! I would never leave you!

[Logan releases Patton, then Patton summons a green leaf and gives it to Logan, who looks at it, confused]

LOGAN: Uh… what’s this? Something given to you by the Core? I know! We must make an infusion with this leaf, then give it to Janus to drink, or we give a massage on the head with it and he’ll wake up, right?

PATTON: No, Logan. You didn’t let me finish my sentence. I would never leave you. Instead, I just did leaf you… [smiles widely while doing the badoom-tish gesture with his hands]

[Logan is confused for a couple of seconds, then he realizes it’s only one of Patton’s puns and frowns at him]

LOGAN: Why did I marry you, again?

PATTON: [smirks] Because I taught you the real value of feelings and that love is the real force that moves everything, and I also because I taught you how to love, Logan.

LOGAN: You were listening?

PATTON: Not quite. I heard it from the Core. It can see the past and the present of this Mind Palace and it can even go a little bit into the future, and it showed me you would say that at some point in the near future from mine. Did you say it already?

LOGAN: Yeah, I just did… [sighs] And you’re right, I do love you because of that… even in punitive moments like this against all of… me…

PATTON: [smirks] Pun-itive, I see what you did there.

LOGAN: [clears his throat] Patton, let’s get serious. So you got to the Core, right?

PATTON: Yes, I did.

REMUS: And did you get anything useful for Janus?

PATTON: Yes. As I said, I entered in communion with the Core. I almost spoke to it. Well, I did speak to it, without words, but I did. It was the most wonderful feeling I have ever experienced. The Core approved of my intentions, considering them noble and wanted to help me fulfill my purpose. So, the Core gifted me a new ability I’m gonna use right now to help Janus.

IAN: A new ability? What do you mean, Patton?

PATTON: Step aside, let me get closer to Janus.

REMUS: Okay…

[Everyone steps aside and Patton approaches Janus. He puts his hand on Janus’ forehead, then closes his eyes. A light blue aura starts glowing around Patton, and it extends to Janus. The others watch the scene, stunned. After a few seconds, color returns to Janus’ face, then he opens his eyes and the aura disappears]

JANUS: What… what has happened? Where am I? And I know this is not a cliche thing to say in this situation, like, at all.

REMUS: [happy] Janus! You woke up!

[Remus hugs Janus. Janus hugs him back, still confused]

JANUS: I’m totally aware of what’s going on… glad to be back, I guess.

LOGAN: You’ve been knocked out for two weeks. Remus and Ian have been taking care of you all this time.

JANUS: Two weeks!? Oh, now I remember… the Paladin suddenly got in front of me, he hit me hard with his sword… and then, after a split second of a huge headache, everything went black and I lost notion of time. Then, in the darkness I saw a light-blue source of light, and a strange sweet music calling from inside, asking me to get there… and I did… and then I opened my eyes just now.

REMUS: It was Patton. Patton brought you back to life. [Remus hugs Patton] Thank you so much, Patton!

PATTON: It was my pleasure, kiddo. Glad to be able to help.

JANUS: So that light… was you, Patton? How? Wha…? Thank you, Patton. I don’t understand how you did it, but thank you for saving my life.

IAN: We’ll explain in time. Now it is important that, when Joan gives us the signal, we all enter in autopilot. We have to resynchronize Thomas’ brainwaves because he’s lost contact with us and we gotta fix that.

JANUS: Seems there has been a lot going on around here while I was gone. What else did I miss?

IAN: Okay, guys, while you bring him up to date, I’ll go alert the others to be ready. See ya in a moment.

[Ian sinks down, then rises up in Roman’s room, in the living room. Chris is there]

CHRIS: Hi, Ian.

IAN: Hi, Chris, I got good news. Janus has woken up.

CHRIS: [happy] Really? That’s so cool! Is he okay?

IAN: Yes, he’s okay, thanks to Patton, and he’s ready to enter autopilot when Joan gives us the signal. Where are your parents?

CHRIS: Upstairs. I think they’re finally having a good conversation after weeks.

IAN: That’s good to know. The Paladin’s words affected Virgil very much.

CHRIS: Yeah, I know. I had never seen him like that. He’s been so distant of my father… even of me. I even thought that, as soon as father got better, dad was going to ask him for the divorce. I guess he changed his mind, cause when I came around their door to ask what they wanted for dinner, I heard them muffled-giggling and saying loving things to each other. As they usually do after an argument, they took the saying “kiss and makeup” literally, if you know what I mean, so I decided not to disturb them.

IAN: Well, we gotta warn them that they must be in autopilot too…

CHRIS: Oh, don’t worry. I’m positive they’re already in autopilot.

IAN: All right, if you say so. Tell them the good news about Janus when you can, okay?

CHRIS: Okay, I will. Thanks for the warning Ian. Glad that Janus is okay.

IAN: You’re welcome. [sinks down]

CHRIS: Janus waking up, Thomas back to normal, my father almost recovered and my dad giving him another chance… it seems that things are starting to look up at last…

[suddenly there’s angry yelling coming from upstairs]

CHRIS: Perhaps I spoke too soon… What is going on up there? Dad! Father! What’s the matter!?

[the sound of the bedroom door slamming open upstairs is heard and Virgil rushes down the stairs. Roman follows him. Virgil is furious, Roman tries to calm him down]

ROMAN: I swear it wasn’t me who said that, and I swear it’s not true!

VIRGIL: Yeah, right! Of course it isn’t true! These words came out of your mouth, I remind you, and the last time the Paladin spoke through your lips, he was saying the truth!

ROMAN: This time, like the last time, he twisted the truth, Virgil! I swear!

CHRIS: Whoa! Whoa! Time up! What is going on here!?

VIRGIL: What is going on here? We were done making… things up, when suddenly the Paladin started speaking through your father’s mouth!

CHRIS: The Paladin? Again?

ROMAN: It was only a few seconds! And I quickly reined him in!

VIRGIL: But not before he said a devastating truth about me! Something that your father thinks for real about me!

CHRIS: And what truth is that if I might know?

VIRGIL: He blames me for your leg injury! He doesn’t believe I’m good enough to be your father and he thinks I’m a bad influence for you and you’re better off without me!

CHRIS: What? Father, is that what you think?

ROMAN: I don’t think that! Virgil, you’re good enough to be Chris’ father, I’ve always said that!

VIRGIL: But your thoughts are very different from your sayings! Admit it! Admit you were saying the truth!

ROMAN: I… I’ll only admit that I do believe that you’ve been a hinder in Chris’ development as a Side. And you have to admit it was true as it was you who said it first. But I also believe I’m not better than you on the matter, and I also believe you didn’t do it on purpose and you do your best to change for the better, and that’s what’s important to me! You have to believe me! The Paladin took my thoughts out of context and twisted them! Please, trust me!

VIRGIL: I can’t! I’ve tried, but I can’t trust you anymore! I don’t know when you’re being honest about your feelings towards me, or when you’re lying or hiding things from me! How much are you keeping to yourself about me that you don’t want me to know? Tell me! How much!?

ROMAN: Virgil, please, I swear whatever I avoid saying to you is not as bad as you think it is! Please, don’t be so para…!

[Roman covers his mouth. Virgil looks at Roman with a face of shock that leads to a face of anger and tears]

VIRGIL: Come on, say it! You think I’m a paranoid! At least this time you’ve said it in my face with your own free voice!

ROMAN: Virgil, I… I…

VIRGIL: [yelling] Save your excuses, Roman! I can’t… [makes a pause, fighting tears] I need to leave this room. I need to get away from you.

ROMAN: [horrified] What? Are you… breaking up with me?

VIRGIL: Maybe… Maybe not… I don’t know… I need to think, and I need to be alone to do so. Since now you’re strong enough to stand still, you don’t need my care anymore, so I’m going back to my own room right now.

ROMAN: [in despair] Virgil, please… don’t leave me! Not like this! Not because of this! I swear that I love you! And I know for certain that you love me! Can’t we talk this out like civilized people?

VIRGIL: Not now, Roman. Yes, I still love you to my despair, and I know that, despite it all, you love me, but… sometimes… love is not enough. I need some room to breathe and put my ideas in order. Please, if you love me, don’t go look for me.

ROMAN: [sighs] As you wish, Virgil…

CHRIS: Before you go… Ian has warned us that we must all enter autopilot when Joan gives us the signal, to restore Thomas’ connection with us.

VIRGIL: I understand… Don’t worry about that. I’m gonna stay in autopilot for a very long time. And I’m not ducking out altogether because I don’t want to put Thomas’ mental health at risk again, but right now… I just wanna be alone and not see anyone. Bye, Chris. Goodbye, Roman.

[Virgil sinks down. Roman looks at the empty space where he was standing. Then, tears start falling down his cheeks, and he starts sobbing heavily as if he was running out of air or as if he was on the verge of crying aloud. Chris hugs him]

CHRIS: Father, don’t worry, I’m sure that when his anger wears off, you’ll have your chance to talk to him more calmly. Now give him some time. I’m sure your mutual love will prevail eventually.

ROMAN: [sobbing] I hate the Paladin inside of me. He brings up every wrongdoing I’ve ever done, even in my mind, puts it out of context and uses it against me. I swear I don’t think that Virgil is harmful to you. I swear!

CHRIS: And I believe you, father.

[Suddenly, the sobbing stops abruptly and Roman starts getting sick]

CHRIS: Father? Father, what’s wrong with you!?

[Roman has to rush to the bathroom where he loudly vomits off-screen]

CHRIS: Father! What was that!? Are you okay?

[after some time, he gets out of the bathroom]

ROMAN: Yeah, I don’t know what’s happened to me… I suddenly got very sick and I couldn’t help myself… Perhaps it’s residual effects from the illness, or perhaps it’s because of the nervous breakdown I just had. I hope… because the last time someone vomited like this… But that couldn’t be, that’s impossible. It couldn’t be that… could it?

CHRIS: You lost me…

ROMAN: Never mind, I was talking to myself. It couldn’t be that… I hope…

[Chris stares at Roman with a face of confusion. Then Ian rises up]

IAN: Okay, guys, everything’s ready. Everyone enter autopilot now! Where is Virgil?

CHRIS: He’s in his room.

IAN: Is everything… okay? Roman, your eyes are red and your face is white as a ghost. What happened?

ROMAN: It’s okay, I’ll… I’ll be fine… it’s only a… a disagreement between Virgil and I, that’s all…

IAN: Okay, I’m lost, how could everything here change so radically in a matter of five literal minutes?

CHRIS: Don’t worry, uncle Ian, we’ll be fine… And Virgil is in autopilot too, so don’t worry about him either…

IAN: Okay, if you say so. But remember I’ll be there for anything you guys need, okay?

CHRIS: Thank you so much, Ian… Okay, you came for the autopilot, and autopilot you will get. Let’s hope everything goes right. Ready, father?

ROMAN: Ready.

CHRIS: Entering autopilot… now.

[end card]

[Talyn is about to wake Joan and Thomas up from their hypnosis, after Logan guided them on the synchronization like the last time]

TALYN: Three… two… one… Wake up!

[Talyn claps their hands and both Thomas and Joan wake up]

JOAN: Well? Do you think it worked?

THOMAS: There is only one way to find out… Logan, come here, please!

LOGAN: I’m already here, Thomas. Perhaps it didn’t…

THOMAS: No, it did, somehow, Logan, I can hear you! But I can’t see you… wait, what’s that…?

[Logan’s image starts appearing blurry in his spot, after a couple of seconds, he becomes completely sharp]

THOMAS: [happy] Now I can see you! It worked! I’m so happy to see you again, Logan!

LOGAN: [smiles] And I’m happy to know it worked, Thomas.

THOMAS: I got so scared for a second it wouldn’t have worked and everything today had been useless… It’s so good to see that now everything’s back to normal again, at least what I consider normal in my life. I know any other people would consider your absence as regaining normality, but… I don’t know if I would have coped to give up your company, guys, after having you in my life since forever.

LOGAN: Hearing those words feels… adequate, Thomas.

THOMAS: How is everybody doing? No, don’t tell me, I’ll call everyone so that they tell me themselves. Roman, Patton, Virgil, Janus, Remus, Chris, Ian! Everybody come here!

[all the Sides rise up except Virgil. Janus is already wearing his usual outfit and snake makeup, including a brand new bowler hat]

JANUS: Hi, Thomas. I’m not happy at all to see you. Just kidding.

THOMAS: Hi, Janus. Joan told me what you’ve been going through. Glad that you’re okay now.

JANUS: Thank you, Thomas. And look, Remus gifted me a brand new bowler hat.

REMUS: Of course I did, you couldn’t go around wearing that crushed bowler hat, could you? That’s more my thing, you know?

ROMAN: [with a smile] Hi, Thomas. I’m sorry for all the fuzz I’ve caused to you.

THOMAS: It… it wasn’t your fault, Roman. In fact, among all of us, you’re the one who has suffered the most from all of this, so it’s me who should apologize to you. You were the worst victim of this illness, which now I’ve got under control. Doctors said that if I keep my treatment and healthy habits, I’ll have a perfectly normal life. And if I’m healthy in the hopes and dreams department, so will you.

ROMAN: I’m happy for you, Thomas. Maybe it’s a little late for me, but I’m happy for you.

THOMAS: What do you mean? By the way, where is Virgil? He’s the only one who didn’t show up.

[Roman’s smile starts trembling. Soon he can no longer fight the tears and his act drops down completely. He turns around quickly and the others except Chris and Ian look at him in shock. Chris and Ian look at him in sadness]

THOMAS: Roman, what’s wrong?

CHRIS: Well, I guess you all would have found out sooner or later. You see… my parents are separating, at least for the time being. Virgil has returned to his own room and currently is in autopilot, as he doesn’t want to see anybody.

THOMAS: But what happened? I hope it’s not because of me.

CHRIS: No, don’t worry, it’s not your fault. It’s complicated, Thomas. For now, at least, it’s not definitive. Virgil hasn’t asked for the divorce yet, so technically they’re still married. It’s just that Virgil needs time to think alone, that’s all… Father, what’s the matter?

[They all look at Roman and they see him retching, still facing the wall. He quickly summons a huge bucket and vomits inside. Then he summons the bucket away and turns around, showing a sick face]

ROMAN: Ugh… I’m sorry, guys… I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Perhaps it’s residual effects of the illness, or maybe it’s the stress of my breakup with Virgil…

CHRIS: Father, you still haven’t really broken up. There may be a chance for you to fix things up. Dad still loves you, he admitted it. Your bond surely can’t be broken up so easily.

PATTON: I’ll have to talk to my son. Maybe I can help him on this.

ROMAN: If you could help him, Patton, I’d be very grateful.

PATTON: I’ll do my best, Roman. But if he decides to carry on with the break up, you know as his father, I’ll have to support him. I hope you understand.

ROMAN: I understand, Patton. As long as I don’t lose your friendship, I couldn’t bear it happening too…

PATTON: Of course you won’t, Roman! You will always be my friend, no matter what, and you’ll still be my son-in-law, even if not “legally”.

ROMAN: That means a lot to me, Patton, thank you.

PATTON: And now that I’m here with you, Chris, let me see that leg of yours.

CHRIS: What? My leg? Why?

JANUS: [smirks] Just wait and see, Chris. Let Patton work his new magic.

CHRIS: [confused] Okay…

[Patton touches Chris’ leg. A light blue glow appears around the leg and Chris looks at it, stunned, just as stunned as the others watching except the ones who were in Janus’ room earlier. A few seconds later, the glow disappears]

PATTON: Done. How do you feel now?

CHRIS: About what? Wait… my leg… it feels less weak and I no longer feel any pain when I rest on that foot… Why, I can stand on my foot normally! My leg is healed! Grandpa, how did you do that?

PATTON: It’s a gift from the Core, the same gift I used to heal Janus. I’m just grateful that I can use it for your benefit, kiddos.

CHRIS: [happy, summoning his crutches away] Thank you, grandpa! You’ve saved me months of recovery! I love you!

PATTON: Love ya back, grandson. I hope I can still help all of you in the future… [suddenly looking at Roman, scared] Roman! Look out!

[Suddenly, Roman seems to get dizzy. He loses balance and falls, but Chris and Patton grab him before he hits the floor]

CHRIS: Father, what gives!? This isn’t normal!

ROMAN: [shaking his head and regaining balance] I know… Suddenly my head started spinning… And I think I know what’s going on. I didn’t wanna believe it, especially after being with Virgil only one single time in the last couple of weeks, but, judging for what Virgil told me in the past that he felt, which is the same I’m feeling now, I guess it’s true…

CHRIS: What do you mean?

ROMAN: Vomiting, dizziness, this strange feeling in my tummy… Chris… I hope that you’re ready.

CHRIS: Ready? Ready… for what?

ROMAN: Have you ever imagined having a brother?

[there’s a short moment of silence]

EVERYBODY BUT ROMAN: [yelling at the same time] Whaaaaaaaaaaaat!??????

[a sign reads “To be concluded, guys, gals and non binary pals”]

[chasseurdeloup-retired]

Nacho Memories || Cece and Kaden

TIMING: Current LOCATION: Hospital PARTIES: @thebickedwitchoftherest​ and @chasseurdeloup​ SUMMARY: Kaden brings Cece some nachos while she’s in the hospital post scream. They go say hi to another friend. CONTENT WARNINGS: Memory loss, noncon (memory magic done on someone without consent) 

Cece was getting tired of Gossip Girl. Honestly, what station had so little of their own content to air that they decided that the best alternative was to show an entire day’s run of Gossip Girl? Had they even watched the show? It might have been okay but in 200- whatever but it was 2020. The show didn’t age well and wouldn’t stand the test of time. She shot off another text to Regan, a long string of one sided messages with nothing but the small check mark indicating that the message had been read to even prove to Cece that Regan was getting them at all. She had some fucking nerve. If you’re going to shatter a girl’s ear drum the least you can do is text her back. Cece deserved that much. Instead, Regan seemed content listening to Cece parody her own version of Gossip Girl through text. She was sitting in the hospital bed cross legged and shoveling jello in her mouth. The nurses hadn’t taken her seriously when she had asked for jello shots, so this bland shit would have to do. When there was a knock at the door, Cece groaned. But the door opened and thankfully it wasn’t a nurse or doctor and instead Kaden strolled in. Ironic that Cece heard from her bosses boyfriend before her actual boss following the incident. “Kaden! Thank god. Save me from this. It hurts my ears. And I’m not just saying that because my ears actually hurt. This show is going to make my ears bleed again.”

Kaden hated hospitals. A lot. Just being inside the doors made his skin crawl. Deep breath. He could do this. Plus, he needed some way to help this situation. There was shit all the Kaden could do for Regan at this point, she’d made that clear enough. If she wasn’t going to go to the hospital and check on her co-workers, her friends, that she put there, the least he could do was stop by. And he had to hope that Regan would be here if-- Well, if a lot of things were different.

And anyway, Cece was his friend, too. He didn’t know Grace half as well and it drove a pit deep in his stomach wondering if she had anyone coming to check on her. He sincerely didn’t know one way or another. He’d have to be sure to find out. He knew first hand being alone here was one of the worst feelings. “Hey. I brought nachos,” he said with a rap on her door as he swung it open. “I’m not sure if this passes for real food but it’s Blanche approved. I figured it’s better than whatever crap they were going to give you here either way.” He’d thought about smuggling wine in for her but something told him that was a bad idea, against the rules or something. He could only imagine the horrified look on Regan’s face at the mere suggestion. Right. Only imagine. He didn’t know how long he’d only be imagin-- No, not right now. “Putain. Why the hell are you watching that crap? There’s gotta be something better.”

“You’re a lifesaver, dude.” Cece tossed the jello onto the swinging tray and shoved the rack away from her, extending her hands in anticipation for the trashy junk food she had been craving for… well okay technically it had only been a day. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t hungry. “Well if cabbage patch approves then it must be quality food.” Cece laughed, wincing at the sudden pain in her ear but ignoring it. As far as injuries went, Cece’s had been the least traumatic. She hadn’t wanted to waste much time being a Debbie downer. “I don’t know, if I stop watching now Regan will never know what happens next. I think she’s starting to get attached.” Cece shrugged, opening the line of unanswered texts and showing it off to Kaden. She didn’t waste any time diving into the nachos, “You’re like my guardian angel. But scruffier. And moodier. And I never really pictured my guardian angel being French. Other than that, carbon copies.” In the middle of eating, she remembered that she had completely forgotten about Janus the janitor. She had checked on Grace, which had gone about as well as a nuclear meltdown, but his well being had slipped her mind completely. Whoops. “After I get done absorbing these nachos, I need to go check on a good ol Janus Jr. Care to tag along?”

“No problem. I’ve been in hospitals enough to know the worst parts,” Kaden said with a small shrug. Cece seemed like her perky self at least. Well, for the most part. He didn’t miss any of the scrapes and cuts, likely from exploding, broken glass. And the wince. He’d been around enough hunters to know that look when things were too loud. Guess he’d have to find a way to balance his voice between what she could hear and what would be painful. His stomach sank even further. It must be at the floor by now. This wasn’t his fault. And yet somehow he felt responsible in some way. He insisted Regan wasn’t dangerous. If he was honest with himself, part of him still was. It felt more and more like a lie every time. “You’re texting her updates about Gossip Girl?” he said, raising a brow, trying his best to push away the bile threatening to creep up his throat. “No wonder she’s ignoring you.” He tried to make it feel like a joke but it barely did. Regan shutting Cece out was shitty. Really fucking shitty. He wondered how long she’d be frozen out. Hell, he wondered how long he’d be frozen out even if it wasn’t as severe as hers. “Ah yes, just what I wanted to be. Truly, my goal in life. Maybe soon I’ll earn my win--” Putain. His foot seemed to take permanent residence in his mouth. Along with the bile. Fuck, wasn’t he here to make Cece feel better? Couldn’t even get that right. Then again, looking at her scarfing down the nachos, maybe he wasn’t doing too bad. “You are? Uh, yeah, sure. You checking on him or what?”

“You want some of these?” Cece decided to be nice and offer a few bites to Kaden before she accidentally finished them off herself. Luckily for her, she didn’t think she’d be in the hospital much longer. She had gotten off relatively easy, and once their results came back hopefully confirming that her brain wasn’t cream of wheat soup she was ditching this place so fucking fast. “Well I tried the whole normal texting her before this and she kept leaving me on read. I figured my best tactic is to just annoy the hell out of her until she has to reply.” Seemed like a good plan to Cece. Kaden began making a joke, one that she could only assume ended with wings. “What’s wrong K Den? Fae got your tongue?” She put heavy emphasis on the name, remembering the days of tiny Regan. If she hadn’t flown out a window and almost died, the entire scenario would have been very laughable now. Once the nachos were cleaned out and Cece had just held herself back from licking the container for the grease, she dragged herself out of the bed, “Sure. Yeah. Checking on him. Something like that.” Close enough at least, “You make sure I don’t fall over. My balance is still all fucked up.”

“All yours,” Kaden said, waving off her offer. Even if his stomach wasn’t churning, he didn’t need to unsettle it more by eating whatever horrors awaited in the pile of nachos. The thought of Regan getting a play by play of each and every episode of Gossip Girl made him laugh. Just a little. “Well hopefully it works. I think she’s pretty shut down. She’s at D--” His words stopped on the tip of his tongue. He wasn’t sure that he was allowed to tell anyone where she was. It felt like a secret. Another one. One that wasn’t his to share. Not even with the person she nearly-- He bit the inside of his mouth a moment before pivoting. “She’s at a friend’s. For now. I mean I don’t know how long. I haven’t-- But at least she told me.” And made it his responsibility to let everyone she cared about know she was alive. Right. He knew she was hurting but more and more this felt unfair. Little things all stacked together in a pile he hoped didn’t fall and crush him under their weight.

“Yeah yeah, Celery. Very funny.” Kaden sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. As fucking stressful as it had been when she was lost and five inches tall, at least that one wasn’t her fault. Not that this was ei-- No. He wasn’t sure. It felt wrong thinking that this time. Even though it was essentially the same as every other death scream that she couldn’t predict or control. That didn’t make Cece or Grace any better off, though, did it? That didn’t make his duty as a hunter any-- “Uh huh. That makes it sound like you’re up to something,” he said, snapping out of his stupor just in time to catch her brushing her intentions under the rug. “I’ve got nothing better to do, why not. We’ll go when you’re ready. Just, uh, maybe stay on my left side. Right shoulder, uh, it... “ Maybe Morgan had a point about telling people when he got majorly injured. “Sort of got shot the other week but I’m fine. Just probably shouldn’t hold even your weight on that side. But hey if I make it worse, at least I’m in the hospital, right?”

“You got shot?” How had Cece not heard about this? “I’m going to start needing a weekly newsletter from you to catch up on the various ways that you’ve been injured.” Cece groaned. Could they go one week without some near death experience? “Oh yeah. I’m sure you’re so fine. Must be why I’m supposed to stay on your life side. If you weren’t already injured I’d punch you.” She still might, depending on her mood later. “Fine. Guess we can be injured together, wobbling down the hospital hallways like a couple of complete jackasses.” And they definitely did walk down the hallway that way, passing by Grace’s room where the door remained shut. Literally and figuratively. Cece’s speech hadn’t gone over so well with Grace. Now Grace was pissed at both of them. Maybe she could at least befriend Janus Jr. At least, assuming one of them didn’t die. That was what the whole scream thing was for right? Did Banshee’s scream for themselves? Or was the list narrowed down to three people? Did Regan have to be near them for the scream to work? Ignorance had never been a favorite of Cece’s. She hated not knowing.

The hospital door to his room was open and empty. Cece poked her head in to confirm that he was awake before sliding in. “JJ! Dumb question, but how are you feeling?” Cece gave him a thumbs up. He didn’t look much better than Grace had, with gauze wrapped around his head and a paleness to him that wasn’t comforting. “You know Kaden, right? He’s-” Maybe right now wasn’t the best time to mention that he was dating Regan. “An officer. He’s an officer. Works with the police department so we wanted to come check in. See how you were doing.” Janus perked up, if only for a moment. It looks as though a jolt of pain had mellowed him out again. Sitting up too quickly probably did it. “Miss Bishop. I’m glad you’re okay. Have you heard about Grace? I can’t believe what Dr. Kavanagh did. I’ve been trying to tell people, but nobody wants to believe me. I barely believe me. It’s crazy right?”

Oh boy. Cece didn’t like hearing any of that. “I’m okay. Grace will be too, just needs to rest some more. That’s actually what I’m here to talk about.” How to gracefully approach this subject? Cece had never been one to excel in tact. Glancing over at her current partner in crime she didn’t get the feeling that Kaden did either. “I think this was all some kind of misunderstanding. Just a weird fluke with no correlation at all. It doesn’t add up. So I was thinking, we all keep this little bit to ourselves? Maybe not mention Regan to people if they start asking. Until we figure out more.”

Cece had thought she had worded it nicely enough, tried to make it fit a narrative where they were doing it for good instead of just for Regan’s sake. Janus Jr didn’t agree apparently. “Miss Bishop I know what I saw. She could have killed all three of us. And she’s still on the loose. If we don’t tell people about what she did she could hurt others.”

“I forgot to tell people. And look, I’m fi--” Kaden’s jaw clenched down as he felt a sharp prick of pain through his side when she leaned on him, even though it was the good side. “I’m fine,” he assured, biting down and doing his best to keep any grimace off his face as they hobbled down the hallway. He prayed to every deity he didn’t believe in that Queenie didn’t walk down the hall at that exact moment. It would be just his luck. There was no way he was getting conned into staying in the hospital himself. That was an insult to every injury, physical or otherwise, he had just then and he couldn’t fucking handle it. He was held together by thread bare stitches as it was.

She was all charm and business as soon as they stepped in the room. Only Kaden didn’t know what business it was. He gave a small wave at the janitor when they entered. He visited the morgue enough that he recognized him, though not so much with the gauze on his head. He looked awful. A chill ran through him. If this had been caused by any other supernatural, by any other monst-- anything else, Kaden would have had his knife ready, out hunting, ready to save the day. He felt like he should apologize again. Was this going to keep happening? Putain. It only got worse once Janus started talking. He was upset and in pain and trying to tell people about the banshee who put him in the hospital. Even if he didn’t have the right words to describe it.

Kaden felt like the world might start spinning and reached out to brace himself on the frame at the end of the bed, but he thought better of it, clenched his fists and kept them by his sides instead. Cece had introduced him as a cop, not as Regan’s significant other. He didn’t know her angle just yet, but he could follow her lead. He swallowed down the panic, rolled his shoulders back, and exhaled any doubt that was creeping in, hardening his gaze to wipe any trace of emotion from his face. Then he realized what Cece was here for. To keep Janus quiet. His stomach churned again but his stare remained firm. Janus had a right to complain, to feel slighted, to want some justice for what happened. If it had been Deirdre who screamed, this conversation would be very different.

But it wasn’t Deirdre who screamed. “Are you dead, Mr….” Kaden didn’t know his last name. Putain. It wasn’t Junior.  “Janus. I’m sorry about your injuries. But you look like you’re still in one piece. Unless I’m mistaken.” He wasn’t sure Cece had experience with trying to wave the supernatural away from the uninitiated. Probably Either way, Kaden did. He was a hunter. This was par for the course. They had to keep the secret of the supernatural where they could. Let people live in peace. The success rate, well, it depended. “Speaking of, I don’t think you’re listening to Miss Bishop here. You might want to. For your sake.” He loomed over the edge of the bed and his eyes burrowed into Janus Jr., staring daggers into him. Kaden pushed aside all thoughts of his injuries and the guilt he felt by gaslighting this man. But it was for the best. “Dr. Kavanagh is not on the loose, we know her location, nor is she even a suspect at large. I think you might be mistaken. Would you like to try this conversation again?”

Cece liked the whole menacing act that Kaden had going. The first time she had ever met Kaden was him coming to kill those giant lobsters that had decided to raid her back yard. She knew that he wasn’t just all talk. She didn’t know his conviction when it came to strong arming humans. Especially helpless, sad ones like JJ. But maybe brute force wasn’t the only option here. Especially if his vague threats worked to scare Janus off.

“What’s happening here? Are you trying to protect her?” Janus asked, a panicked sound beginning to build in his voice. Cece and Janus Jr had always had a friendly enough relationship. Maybe the two were besties or anything, but they had conversations whenever he came around to clean up an area. “Why would you do that? She almost killed us. And then she just ran.”

Well, Cece couldn’t exactly argue against that point unfortunately. They could have died probably. Cece didn’t tend to hold that against a person, former coven life and all. But not everyone had the same experiences she had. “Janus. I need you to understand that Kaden and I are just looking out for what’s best for all of us. It’s harder to explain, so we just want to hold off until it makes more sense.” Logic had to work, right? This counted as logic, probably.

“No. No! You two are trying to threaten me into staying quiet! What about Grace? What about me? If she does whatever she did again then someone could die next time!” He was being way too loud for comfort now. Eventually, nurses would catch on and come in to check on them and in this frantic state, get Cece and Kaden thrown out. Talking wasn’t going to work here.

“Fine. Fine” Cece held her hands up in surrender and stepped away from Janus’ bed, “We didn’t want to threaten you. That wasn’t the plan here.” She took a few steps back and met eyes with Kaden, lowering her voice to barely a whisper knowing that he would still hear her. “Kaden. Close the door.” Her eyes flicked towards the door leading into the hospital hallway.

Yes, he was trying to protect her. Kaden hoped like hell it didn’t flash across his face like a neon sign lighting up. It felt like less and less like he had a grip on anything resembling his hunter code or training and somehow it was still twisted and wrung in the wrong direction given the application. He was supposed to protect humans from monsters. And here he was doing the exact opposite. His face felt flush. He breathed in and exhaled the panic and guilt away. Maybe he’d pick it up later. For now he was protecting the secret of the supernatural. And that required action not emotion. Upholding the code always did. “It’s not going to happen again. I can assure you that.” His words seemed to do little to comfort the man. And who could blame him. Everything Kaden said still probably sounded halfway underwater at best.

The man only got more frantic and Kaden shared a glance with Cece. He didn’t want to use violence. Not after— it wasn’t right. He’d been through too much already. And he was just a janitor, who could he possibly tell? His mother’s voice rang through his head, all the consequences of leaving open threads. But it wasn’t what stuck. It was Regan. If a warden caught wind of a banshee, more than they already had, a dangerous one at that, she was— Inhale breath, exhale the fraught. He nodded to Cece and followed orders. He closed the door and stood guard, waiting to see if she needed him by Janus or not. He still didn’t know her plan but he didn’t need to. He’d learn long ago how often it was better to just follow without asking questions.

“What is he doing? What are you doing?” Janus didn’t sound any less panicked, but Cece had never been more calm. She was in her groove now, something she had done so many times before. She pulled her hair back into a ponytail and put on her best smile. “Don’t freak out. I’m not going to hurt you. I just need to make sure that we’re all on the same page here.” She moved over to his bed, his eyes widening in panic. “Seriously, JJ. Have you seen me? I’m five foot even, what could I possibly do to hurt you?” She pulled the old wooden chair that sat off from the bed closer to it and leaned against it, propping herself up. “I don’t want to do anything. I wanted to check on you and make sure that you’re going to be okay. I wanted to make sure that we all had each other’s backs.” Clearly that hadn’t been the case, so looked like it would be plan b instead.

“I want you both to leave. Right now.” The voice wasn’t nearly as friendly as it had always been in the morgue. Understandably, Cece supposed. Though she still wished that things could have gone differently. “I’m going to call the nurses!” He raised his voice, arms fumbling around for the call button. Cece gently placed her palm over it to block his grasp. “You want to know a secret about me, JJ? I’m a witch.” If it was even possible, his face paled even further. He looked like nothing more than a ghost by now. “I know, I know. Unbelievable right? Turns out they’re real. And so are banshees. That’s what Regan is. There are even hunters that have super strength,” Cece gestured over to Kaden still standing by the door. “Crazy world, right? You’ll see that super strength here in a minute.” By now, Janus was in hysterics, whining and thrashing about. It wasn’t easy to watch, but if Cece was going to protect Regan and keep Janus and Grace safe this was how it was going down apparently. “No need to throw a fit, dude. You can yell as much as you want. There’s a sound barrier around the room. No noise gets out of the bubble.” She turned to Kaden, “He’s going to hurt himself if he keeps thrashing around like this. I need you to hold him down. I won’t be long, and he won’t tell anyone about her.”

Kaden did what he could to ignore Janus, not respond to any of his questions, verbally or otherwise. Simply stood by the door and watched Cece, eyes hard, stare cold. At the harsh tones from the janitor, however, he tread closer to the bed, slowly making his way back to the bedside, just in case. Cece had his hand when he tried to call for the nurse. Good. What was less good was the witch spilling all her secrets. And Regan’s. Even his. His expression betrayed him for a second, his brows pulled together and his eyes went slightly wider as she continued on. What the hell was she doing? That was going to make it better not worse. “Cece,” he said, firm, but a brief hint of a question rising at the end. Why was she telling him this? What the hell was her plan?

No. Don’t question. That wasn’t his role, that wasn’t part of the code. Kaden trusted Cece. He had decided that when he followed her into this room and every moment since. Now wasn’t the time to stop simply because his stomach was upside and in a tangled mess of knots. Still, he didn’t need orders from her to know what it was he was being asked to do. As the janitor thrashed and panicked, Kaden reached over and pinned the man down by his shoulders. The harsh look on his face should be enough to convey the message to stay still, don’t move. If he moved it would only get worse. In theory at least. Looking at Janus’s frightened eyes was too much. He chose to focus on an earlobe instead. “What are you doing, Cece?” he asked, voice steadier and sharper than it has business being while he was holding a scared, injured man down to a hospital bed awaiting whatever magic his friend planned to perform on him.

Cece rubbed her palms together in preparation. Magic was exhausting. Use too much of it and it could knock a perfectly healthy person out for a day straight. In Cece’s current state, she would have to be precise. She couldn’t spend any time wasting the little energy she had. Memory magic was exact, she had to know exactly what memories she was trying to extract or she would end up wrecking the man’s entire life. At the moment, between the specificity of the memories and Cece’s own exhaustion she was walking a fine line. This was risky, but she couldn’t see much of a choice. If she was forced to pick between the janitor and Regan there wasn’t any choice to make. “I’m helping him forget.” Cece tried to put it in the kindest terms she could manage. For Janus’ sake and her own. She pressed a hand against his forehead, feeling the man still strain against Kaden’s grip. Tough luck breaking from those super strength biceps. She moved her hands to either side of his face, pressing the tips of her fingers against the man’s temple. As she began concentrating, her finger tips began glowing. They would be hot to the touch because of the building magic, though Janus wouldn’t be able to feel it. The memory magic worked to put him into a coma of sorts as she shifted through. He would finally stop struggling against Kaden as Cece closed her own eyes to begin searching.

The morgue was first. She dug into his memories, pulling the day prior’s events. She needed to be careful. Pull out too much and she risked permanently harming the man. Too little and he might begin memories bits and pieces of the memory and fit things back together. He needed to get every moment from the time that he walked into the room until he was unconscious and taken to the hospital. The energy drained from her quickly. Her face broke out into a sweat and she struggled to finish the memory out, pulling everything free and pulling her hands away. “I’m gonna need your help.” Cece admitted, glancing over at Kaden, “I’m almost done. But I’m tapped out on energy. I need to steal some of yours.” She wasn’t asking as much as filling him in on what had to be done. “All you have to do is grab onto my arm when I start again.” Once the two were on the same page, Cece touched his temples and jumped back in for the second part of his memories.

If he were to look down at himself from above, Kaden was pretty sure with some objectivity he could see how wrong this was. He knew it deep down from where he was standing. But he forced it away, focused on holding Janus steady. He didn’t want to break any bone, but he couldn't let the man move or get away. Memory magic. To help a banshee. No, not just a banshee. A woman that he loved. Who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. She didn’t do it on purpose. She had no control. And none of that was her fault. He felt Janus’s pulse pounding beneath his grasp, wild and frantic, could feel his breaths, short and panicked while Cece dug into the man’s mind. This man didn’t do anything wrong either. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. His grip loosened. Just for a moment. He felt the janitor’s arm slide, just a touch, and Kaden snapped back, tightened his hold, made it a little firmer.

Kaden hated this. It was easier to just ignore it, zone out, let it happen. All the same, he wanted it to be over. And he thought it nearly was. He was ready to let go and move away when Cece said something about help. “What? Energy? My--” Kaden grumbled. “Putain.” People were always draining his energy for magic. At least this time he wasn't at risk of getting possessed by a poltergeist. He hoped. “Hurry up.” He sighed and adjusted his hold on Janus before he reached out to her and took her arm as she started carving out the man’s memory again. Make it quick was all he could hope. His resolve could only last so long. His mother was right all those months ago. He was slipping on his training.

Almost done. Cece kept reminding herself that as she dug into this innocent man’s life. She had really wished that he had just agreed to keep his mouth shut. She found the hospital next. She had to pull every word that he spoke to the nurses. Any thoughts of Regan. In the end, it had been easier to just wipe everything from the hospital. From the moment he regained consciousness up to the moment he lost it again when Cece began the spell. It wasn’t clean or neat, but it got the job done. Best case scenarios, the person would wake up feeling completely normal after memories were pulled. If the job was done swiftly and precisely. This had not been the case. By the time Cece pulled away Janus Jr she was breathing heavily, dizzy and slightly nauseous. Even with Kaden’s help it had taken a lot out of her. “I’m done.” She fell back into the chair that she had pulled up earlier. Between that and the sound barrier, she had tired herself out completely. A glance at Kaden told her he was in a similar situation. Though she couldn’t tell if he was physically tired or mentally from what they had just done.

“Miss Bishop?” Cece heard his voice first. She had been leaning against the back of the chair while facing towards the ceiling. She only moved when she heard Janus Jr’s voice. “Where are we? What happened?” She stood up too quickly, blood rushing to her head and forcing her to pause. “Hey! You’re awake! There was an accident at the morgue,” Cece began glancing over at Kaden and shrugging. At least it looked like it was a success, “Bad wiring. Some lights exploded and you got knocked down. I think you hit your head or something. The alarms started going off. It was chaos.” The lies came easily to her, and as she explained them the door pushed open and a nurse came into the room. “We shouldn’t keep you up to long. You should get some rest, okay? Kaden. Let’s let JJ rest.”

The second Cece said she was done, Kaden let go and backed away. He knew damn well Cece knew what she was doing, had seen her work magic quite a few times now, and still, every time he forgot just how powerful magic could really be. It was easy to think of his friends who were casters as human and just his friends who wouldn’t harm anyone. That was, until he saw them work. Until he saw just how easy it really was for Cece to wipe a man of his memories. Sure, she was barely standing now and he rushed over to stand beside her, just in case she passed out, but all the same. Looking at Janus, blinking at them, asking them questions, as friendly as he was when they’d walked in, it was almost hard to picture the trashing and frightened look on his face. Almost. “Yeah, that’s what happened. We just stopped by to check on you, that’s all.” Kaden didn’t see any hint in the man’s eyes of recognition or questioning beyond some basic confusion. It had worked. “Yeah. Let’s do that.” He followed her out of the room, keeping close by as they hobbled back, more weary than on their way here. Kaden considered asking her about that, how often she’d done it, why she really thought that was the only thing to do. Had she done it to Grace? He realized, though, some questions were best left unanswered and some memories were best left forgotten.

[zayadriancas]

Since I don’t think anyone from Degrassi Twitter follows me on here

I just want to share some thoughts I know I would get dragged for on there. I honestly am mad at myself cuz years ago I told myself I’d never join Degrassi twitter because it’s toxic and like I actually have met some genuinely great people on there and the one fear I had years ago of being dragged for liking Zaya because of all the negativity towards them actually isn’t as bad as I thought it be, actually there’s people on there that love Zaya or are starting to like Zaya which is great (I don’t care if people don’t like them I just hate when people are disrespectful towards shippers about it)

Anyway back to my main point. There’s a widely popular ship on Degrassi twitter that I actually like myself and actually grew to like more because of fanfics that some lovely people wrote on there. But I still have my criticisms about this ship, there are actually quite a lot of issues I have with this ship in canon, but I know if I ever shared this on there I’d get made to feel guilty for criticizing them or I’d get called “tasteless” or just made to feel like I’m not allowed to criticize them. And that kind of discourse gives me extreme anxiety, I don’t wanna fight with people, especially since I genuinely love the people I talk to on there, Hell the people that post about this ship are my favorite people on Twitter, but I still feel like I could never criticize this ship in any way and its starting to bother me. I also just feel like it has been kind of overhyped too

Another thing that’s bothered me is that, there’s one character and ship that’s widely hated on there, I actually myself don’t even like the ship or character in question that much. And I recognize that this widely hated character is very flawed. But not only do I feel like it’s brought up just a little too much to the point it’s like okay I get it but also it’s like this particular character wasn’t the only one flawed in the relationship. And recently I’ve seen a post about how okay fuck it I’m gonna stop being vague, I saw a post about how basically Tristan doesn’t deserve for people to care that much about him after the bus crash (mainly Miles and Zoe) because he treated them like shit. Like it was “unfair” to Miles even though Tristan was the one with a literal brain injury and if wasn’t his fault. Miles and Zoe clearly didn’t hold his behavior against him and it was their choice to stick by him Tristan didn’t force them to. In fact in the next season Tristan broke up with Miles because he didn’t want to hold him back, one of the most selfless things he’s done, he showed growth there. He’s made lots of mistakes and I’m not even a fan of him really but I honestly think it’s kind of fucked up to act like those mistakes mean he doesn’t deserve to be cared for especially after such a traumatic event. The thing the post mainly was talking about was when Zoe was saying to Miles that they needed to make things easier for Tristan and the post was saying they don’t think it’s fair to Miles and that he wasn’t “married” to Tristan like no he wasn’t but he was his boyfriend and he chose to be Tristan’s boyfriend and sure he didn’t choose for Tristan to be in a coma but again that’s not Tristan’s fault and obviously Miles isn’t obligated to stay with him forever but the thing is he chose to stick by Tristan’s side even though it was hard. No one forced him to do that. The only thing unfair here is acting like Miles feelings only matter but not Tristan’s. I really am not surprised because this has always been a problem in the fandom not just on Twitter and like obviously everyone’s entitled to their opinion but it just gets irritating to see over and over again. And it honestly seems like the main reason they’re upset is because Miles chose Tristan over Lola and they act like he was guilted into choosing Tristan but like Miles stopped giving a shit what people thought of him a long time ago, and Tristan even asked him who he wanted to be with and if he wanted to be with Lola he could have and I think he would have if that’s what he really wanted. Like I’m not denying he liked and cared about Lola but it wasn’t enough to choose her. Hell I actually like Mola better than Triles (I don’t hate Triles though) and I still can see this. The thing is these things wouldn’t bother me so much if I feel like it wasn’t discussed at least once a week. It takes a lot to start getting me irritated at a ship that I actually like but it’s starting to get the point where Mola annoys me. Not to mention, for awhile mainly last year but a few times this month the Degrassi writers were getting multiple tweets kind of bullying them into talking about Mola and I never wanted to say anything but I think it was a little much honestly. They aren’t obligated to like, talk, or care about the ship as much as fans do.

As for my actual Mola criticisms, I just once again can’t get over that not only in the fandom but on the show as well it’s always all about how Miles benefitted from the relationship. Miles was accepted for his sexuality(which is great I’m not denying that), Miles had someone to lean on while his boyfriend was in a coma, Lola made Miles happy. But what exactly did Lola get out of this relationship(that wasn’t even a legit relationship). She got her virginity taken by a guy that ditched her almost immediately, she got an unwanted pregnancy, the guy ignoring her when she tried to talk to him about said pregnancy . Yes, Lola knew that Miles had a boyfriend and that they couldn’t date for real but Miles put himself in that situation even when Lola tried to say they shouldn’t spend too much time together because it could lead to both of them getting in trouble. Miles chose himself to cheat on his boyfriend and didn’t care about the consequences of his actions until Tristan woke up. Like if he didn’t want Tristan to find out he shouldn’t have done it in the first place and once again, Miles can only think about himself and his dumb play that made fun of coma patients which no one ever fucking talks about, instead of this girl that was there for him when he had no one and was understanding and patient like, she wasn’t asking him to tell Tristan to fuck off and be with her only like fuck. Honestly, what’s weird is Lola seems to be very loved and popular in the twitter fandom yet somehow her feelings never seem to be considered when it comes to this ship. Like yes there were positives in this ship but most of those positives were something Lola did for Miles. Yes Miles said some nice things to and about her but in the end it wasn’t enough because in the end he still hurt her and she was still second choice which she’s made clear she doesn’t want to be so...again I do like Mola, mainly cuz of fan fics where this ship actually was mutually beneficial and was good for both of them, but I just needed to get this out and this is the only place I felt safe enough to do so without getting my head bitten off. And I feel like I’m such a shitty person for posting this and I’m paranoid someone from Degrassi twitter might see it like if you guys do see it I’m not trying to start drama or be hurtful or anything like I genuinely do love you all and I love the Mola fanfics, I just have started to feel like I can’t share anything slightly negative about them without getting hate and as messy as the Degrassi tumblr could be back in the day I’ve always felt safe sharing my opinions here. I’m sorry if anyone feels attacked by this I genuinely am not trying to do that.

[murasaki-murasame]

Thoughts on Sarazanmai Episode 7: “I Want To Connect, But I Want To Betray”

I was getting a little suspicious of how seemingly perfect things seemed to be with our main trio for most of this episode, but then the final scene happened and oh boy do I love dying and being dead :)

I feel like a bit of a broken record by saying this at this point, but this episode was So Much, all at once.

Anyway, thoughts under the cut.

Oh boy, where do I even start with this one. My precious traumatized gay cop dads Reo and Mabu, or my Disaster Gay son Enta? Ikuhara’s really spoiling me with all these options for emotional pain :))))

There’s definitely at least a few people watching the show who really hate Enta, and I guess this episode probably isn’t gonna change their minds, lol. I had a feeling something like this was gonna happen, though, since it seemed obvious to me that his whole character arc hadn’t been resolved yet. I could tell that his feelings for Kazuki would end up becoming an even bigger deal later. I didn’t expect it to happen right at the start of the anime’s second half, though.

I definitely wasn’t expecting it to play out with Enta messing up his own beloved practice spot and stealing Keppi’s dishes to try and sabotage Toi’s place as their new friend. I guess it was all a bit too perfect to be true.

In a lot of ways, I think this was a really necessary bit of conflict to bring up and put in the forefront, so I’m glad it’s happening. The idea of Kazuki trying to bring Toi into his and Enta’s friend group now that he’s in a better emotional place, and Enta internally freaking out and deciding to sabotage it all to keep Kazuki to himself, was a bit of an inevitability after the last episode, in hindsight. It’s really tragic that, as a direct consequence of Kazuki and Toi getting closer and happier as individuals, Enta’s repressed issues with obsession and jealousy are getting set off. It was pretty obvious after the first few episodes that Enta was going to get more and more jealous of Toi for getting close to Kazuki, and now it’s all coming to a head.

I only just thought of it now, but I guess it makes sense that this week’s kappa zombie was angrily jealous of balls because he wanted to be the one getting kicked. Enta wants to be the only object of Kazuki’s affection and attention, no matter what he has to do to get it, even if he ends up getting strung along and indirectly hurt by Kazuki in the process.

Also this week’s kappa zombie had a soccer ball for a head, was wearing a ball gag, and fantasized about getting kicked in the balls, so I’m just gonna leave that whole pile of puns on the table for us to appreciate.

Anyway, I feel bad for everyone in the main trio at this point, and it’s hard to imagine this ending with none of them being hurt. It’s really becoming apparent now that their desires are in conflict, and that they need to work through their shit before they can actually all be mutual friends.

In particular I feel really bad for Toi now, since he seemed genuinely happy about being able to become real friends and play soccer with Kazuki and Enta [I see you laying out hints for Toi having known the two of them through soccer as children, Ikuhara, don’t think I can’t see you being sneaky], and then he had to deal with the stress of finding out that his brother got betrayed and might end up having to go on the run, which would force Toi to commit to immersing himself into a solitary life of crime for good. And then even after Kazuki brings up the idea of using the dishes of hope to fix what’s going on with Toi’s brother so they don’t have to go into hiding, we find out that Enta stole the dishes.

At the very least, the fact that Enta stole them in the first place probably means it won’t be hard to get them back from him. But I have a feeling that Enta still might not want them to use the dishes for Toi’s sake. Considering that this episode cuts off right at the end of Enta’s secret-leaking sequence, I think there’s gonna be a lot of subsequent conflict between them about it in the next episode.

I think that sooner or later the fact that Enta has a possessive crush on Kazuki is going to have to come out and get addressed by all of them, and this seems like it’s probably the best time to get that out the way once and for all. I wouldn’t be surprised if Toi ends up being the one to really force everyone to acknowledge it, since Kazuki and Enta would probably just fall back into this pattern of willful ignorance and silence if nobody else forces the issue.

At this point I don’t exactly expect Kazuki to return Enta’s feelings, but I think that Enta needs SOME sort of closure so that he can move on with his life and let both him and Kazuki make new friends.

I’d been thinking for a while that both Enta and Toi still need to have their own character arcs resolved, especially now that Kazuki’s has basically been resolved, and surprisingly enough it looks like both of their arcs might get focused on at more or less the same time now, considering that there’s pressing issues going on with both of their lives, and their desired individuals. If it means that things with both of them might more or less get wrapped up soon, that’d probably be good for the sake of narrative speed, since we only have four episodes left.

I still feel a bit suspicious about how Kazuki’s whole peppy attitude and willingness to connect with everyone feels a bit TOO perfect to be happening just halfway into the show, but there’s not really even that much time left for there to be too much more to happen with his character. But we’ll see.

In general this episode is really making me curious about how exactly the pacing of the last four episodes will go, and what stuff will get focused on in them. But before I get into Reo and Mabu and all of their emotional pain and Otter Empire worldbuilding, I wanna just comment on the complete out of left field reveal that Sara and Keppi are apparently a couple and they’ve just casually reunited off-screen.

I know that Sara’s TV show was subtly setting up this background plot of her ‘looking for her prince’, but I wasn’t expecting it to come up and apparently get resolved so quickly, lol. I’m somehow even more confused about what Sara’s whole deal is, and where her character is going. To begin with, I still REALLY hope the anime delves into her history with Reo and Mabu, since that still seems way too important not to bring up.

Ikuhara’s always bad a bit of a fascination with the concept of ‘princes’, which as far as I can tell is something he’s revisited time and time again [although other than Sarazanmai I’ve still only watched Utena], so it’s kinda interesting in a lot of ways to see how he’s handling Keppi as this silly, comedic little dude who just randomly reunites with his beloved princess off-screen. It actually reminds me a bit of stuff from the Utena movie.

Anyway, I guess I can’t skirt around the elephant in the room, or should I say the otter in the room, any longer. Reo and Mabu fucked me up this episode, not gonna lie. I just want them to be happy in the end.

I honestly wasn’t expecting their scenes in this episode to be so . . . blunt and straightforward in the worldbuilding they delved into. It’s still confusing in it’s own way, but now we know that the Otter Empire weren’t able to properly heal Mabu’s injuries, and had to give him a mechanical heart to keep him alive, which has clearly stunted his emotions. At this point their whole story together is reminding me of real-world cases where a relationship starts fracturing at the seams when one person gets into an accident that ends up changing their personality, and that sudden shift causes all sorts of complicated feelings for the both of them. Which, ironically enough, I have a bit of indirect personal history with, since my father ended up breaking up with his girlfriend after she got into a cycling accident that gave her mild brain damage.

Though it also really comes across like Mabu is on magical metaphorical life support, and Reo is living with this constant awareness that Mabu is suffering in this state of half-life that he can choose to end if he wants to. But of course, it’s clear that Reo is violently opposed to the idea of killing Mabu, no matter what he says about refusing to accept the way he is now. I hope that one way or another they can get a happy ending together, even if they can’t return to exactly how they used to be.

This episode also seems to pretty blatantly confirm my suspicions that Mabu’s maintenance is at least metaphorically sexual in nature, if not literally. It also looks like he specifically gets his maintenance from someone in the Otter Empire, which is interesting, but I guess it makes sense. It also looked like he was being taught how to make food again, which makes it seem like he’s being slowly taught how to live a normal life again, which has it’s own real-world medical parallels.

I’m also wondering now if this is actually still Mabu with just his brain and emotions affected by his injuries, or if he’s more like a manufactured AI implanted into Mabu’s body that’s being trained how to mimic him. Either could be true, I guess. Mabu’s line about ‘wanting to be the one that’s desired’ was really sad, though, and it makes me think that one way or another he genuinely wants to be the version of himself that Reo loves, even if that might be impossible now.

It’s also still kinda unclear to me whether or not Reo and Mabu are actually meant to be otters, or if they’re humans working for the Otter Empire, or what. They definitely seem to be working for them, but every time we see anyone else from the Empire, they’re very obviously a different type of creature to Reo and Mabu, who just look like regular people.

We also found out right at the end that they’ve apparently locked up Keppi’s dark desire in the water tank thing that they dump people’s corpses into in order to create kappa zombies, which is certainly interesting. I’m not quite sure what to make of it yet, though.

On the whole topic of what these final four episodes will focus on, I still wonder when and how Reo and Mabu will come into direct contact with the main trio, since thus far they’ve been kinda going down parallel lines in the story without ever directly crossing paths. But obviously they’re gonna have to clash at some point before this is all over. With how this episode went, it’s possible that the series will focus on wrapping things up with Enta and Toi before the big climactic confrontations, though. Plus there’s the whole detail of if/when we’ll dive into Reo and Mabu’s history with Sara.

At the very least, it’s spelled out even more clearly here that Reo’s main motive seems to be getting the dishes in order to save Mabu. Which I could actually see quickly leading to a big conflict between him and the main trio, considering that most of this episode lead up to the whole plot point of Kazuki deciding that he wants to use the dishes to save Toi’s brother. So it seems like that whole conflict of motives might be where the two teams finally clash. I said before that the whole thing with Enta stealing the dishes could easily get fixed if he just gives them back, but I think it’s very likely that Reo might swoop in and steal them for himself, which would lead to a situation where both teams need to steal the dishes the other has in order to make a full set so they can make their wish. I think that the main trio should have one from the kappa zombie they just defeated, and if Reo steals the ones that Enta took, he’d have four, so they’d both need what the other has to get a complete set of five.

I’d been wondering whether or not this first gold plate they’re working toward would be the big climax of the story, or if there’d be time for them to get a second gold plate afterward, but at this point I think it’ll definitely just come down to this one wish.

On the one hand, I know I’ve said before that I think Reo deserves it most because his issue isn’t something he can solve otherwise, but at this point I think it’s possible for him to just accept Mabu’s situation and love him for who he currently is, and on the other hand, the situation with Toi’s brother is probably too big for the main trio to solve without the help of a wish, so I’m shifting over toward thinking that Toi deserves it more. But of course that leads back to the issue of Enta clearly not wanting that to be how this ends, lol.

There is just A Lot going on at this point in terms of conflicts and motives and what everyone wants and how everything will turn out, and the main two groups of characters haven’t even directly come into contact with each other yet!

Even though we just have four episodes left, if we’re already moving into the big endgame conflicts now that there’s five silver dishes in play and two major wishes that want to be granted, I think that’s enough time to make it all work out nicely, in terms of pacing.

[jerrytackettca]

Wired for Healing: Remapping the Brain to Recover From Chronic and Mysterious Illnesses

Annie Hopper is a limbic retraining specialist. While you may never have heard this term, limbic hyperactivity or dysfunction appears to be a foundational core of the dysfunction and challenges associated with multiple chemical sensitivity (MCS), electromagnetic hypersensitivity (EHS), chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), fibromyalgia and a number of other conditions, and by retraining your limbic system to respond appropriately, symptoms may subside or vanish.

Hopper was herself homeless for a time due to her EHS, which made her unable to tolerate modern environments. I recently met Hopper in Peter Sullivan’s electromagnetic field (EMF) tent at an autism conference run by Jenny McCarthy called Generation Rescue. Sullivan is an environmental health funder who focuses on toxins and wireless safety.

Sullivan had also benefited from Hopper’s work. Intrigued, I read Hopper’s book, “Wired for Healing: Remapping the Brain to Recover From Chronic and Mysterious Illnesses,” which is a great resource.

Developing EHS — A Personal Account

Hopper describes the challenges that led to writing her book:

"It started in 2004. I was working as a core belief counsellor in Kelowna, British Columbia. I was working at an office that [had] mold … [and] my office was located right next door to the janitor’s supply room, where they held all the cleaning chemicals for the office, all those really heavy-duty industrial cleaners.

What I also didn't know was that the actual office that I was renting used to be a part of the janitor's supply room. They just put up a wall to make a little office space. It didn't have proper ventilation either.

I worked in that office for about five months. Over that period, I started to get progressively sick. Before that, [and] this is what we call like the perfect storm for a limbic system impairment … I was in a car accident where I had a minor whiplash injury. That was probably about the fifth car accident prior to this mold and chemical exposure.

Anyway, for the five months that I was in this building, I started to progressively get symptoms, like anxiety, chronic muscle and joint pain, and this growing sensitivity to just everyday things in my environment, like perfumes and colognes. That's how it started … Really, it felt like I was being literally poisoned by any kind of chemical exposure.

I moved out of the building eventually because I recognized that it was the building that was making me sick, but by that time, it was too late. The damage was already done … [Then] I had what I call a tipping point. I was walking through a bookstore and by a scented candle display. Someone else might be OK with that, but … at that point, something happened to my brain.

I went over the edge in terms of this fight-or-flight response that just did not stop. At that point, it felt like I was having a brain hemorrhage or something. Light hurt. Sound hurt. Smell hurt. Everything hurt … When I woke up the next morning … I couldn’t wear the same clothes that I’d worn, because my brain was now picking up on the smallest amount of chemical residue from laundry detergent as potentially life-threatening.

That started a very bizarre kind of science fiction world where I really had to navigate how I did life. If I was walking down the street and someone happened to be doing their laundry and they had dryer exhaust going off, if I walked by that, I might go into convulsions.

It was very serious, hugely debilitating. I had to quit my job. I had to stop socializing. I was very much homebound and getting depressed. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did. What seemed like overnight, I developed EHS.

By this time, I've already got severe chemical sensitivities. I also have fibromyalgia. I was suffering from anxiety, insomnia and a host of other things, and then I developed this EMF sensitivity. What that meant was that my body could detect EMF."

Chemical Sensitivities and EHS Often Go Hand in Hand

It's a known fact that many who struggle with chemical sensitivities are at higher risk of EHS, and that was certainly Hopper's experience. In addition to a burning skin sensation, which is a very common symptom of EHS, she also lost her ability to speak, which she says is a severe symptom associated with both chemical sensitivities and EHS.

"When I started to talk, I would say something that really didn't make any sense. It wasn't actually what I was thinking," she says. "There was something very cognitively off as well. I had a lot of brain fog and just not being able to focus, inability to articulate, to think, to put thoughts together, to string a sentence together, all of that."

To survive, she had to get away from all these chemical and EMF triggers. At the time, she was living with her husband, James, in a condo in Kelowna, British Columbia. It was impossible to get away from wireless radiation. In the end, she had to resort to camping. 

"Even before this time, I knew that my brain was being affected. It really made sense to me that my brain was not processing sensory information accurately anymore," she says.

"Somehow, the fight-or-flight centers in my brain were being triggered so much so that it was distorting some of the information that was coming into my brain and making this overreactive, overresponsive, hypervigilant reaction that was also affecting my immune system, my endocrine system, my neurology — all of it …

It made sense for me that it was some sort of brain injury, some form of brain trauma — something was wrong. I started to look at what area of the brain was responsible for sense of smell because, to me, that seemed like the right place to start."

The Role of Your Limbic System in EHS

As a result, Hopper began researching the limbic system, which is the emotional and reactive part of your brain, responsible for filtering sensory and emotional information, and sorting that information into two distinct categories: safe or unsafe.

"You can imagine that if any of those neurons along that neural network are damaged or not working functionally in any way, then that can start to categorize information that would not normally be considered dangerous as life-threatening," Hopper says.

This is an entirely unconscious response, of course. Essentially, your brain gets stuck in the fight-flight-or-freeze mechanism. She also researched neuroplasticity, which is your brain's ability to change.

She discovered there was a lot of research showing limbic system overactivation is common denominator for many different illnesses, including CFS, fibromyalgia, chemical sensitivities, depression and anxiety. While reading Dr. Norman Doidge's book, "The Brain That Changes Itself," she had a sudden revelation.

"He was talking about Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz, who is the guru for obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Schwartz recognized that with OCD, there is a part of the brain that just wasn't functioning properly. That's what keeps people in this feeling of contamination or obsessive worrying. I thought, 'I don't have OCD, but certainly I feel like my mind or my brain is stuck."

Schwartz would scan his patients’ brains to see how the brain was operating when they were having an OCD attack. He then gave them a series of self-directed neuroplasticity exercises to do at home, and rescanned their brain after a period of time. What he discovered was that their brains were actually being rewired.

The more they practiced these exercises, the more their brain changed, to the point where they actually reversed the changes that were happening during OCD. As a result, they were able to function normally again.

"It seemed to me like that was the right place to look,” Hopper says. “I started to become my own personal guinea pig, looking at how could I change the limbic system, knowing that it was the feeling and reacting brain and knowing that it could be categorizing information or distorting information … This is not unlike post-traumatic stress disorder, I think. Or traumatic brain injury …

You know, I was just as surprised as anyone else, to be honest with you. When I started to notice changes in symptoms, my first thought was, ‘Hallelujah’ … Through influencing this part of my brain and rewiring the brain, it actually dampened and reduced symptoms, and miraculously normalized my sensory perception.

When your sensory perception goes back to being normal, your body is no longer reacting to everything. That made it possible for me to live in the world again and be of the world again, and be an active participant in my life."

What Causes Limbic System Impairment?

So, what actually causes this limbic system impairment in the first place? As noted by Hopper, it could be a number of different things, including viral, bacterial, emotional or psychological stress. It could be chemical injury, mold or excessive EMF exposure. “Usually it’s a combination of all of that that leads to what we call the perfect storm. These kinds of stresses are cumulative,” she says.

Ultimately, her experience and research led her to develop the Dynamic Neural Retraining System (DNRS) course, which is now offered as a five-day interactive training program around North America and Europe. The program is also available online and as a 14-hour DVD series.

It's not a quick process. It can take many months of diligent work, but the end results are clearly worth the effort. Hopper recommends practicing the program daily for at least six months.

"It takes a while to change those neural networks. Even though people might start feeling changes within a few days or a few weeks or a few months, you really want to repeat those exercises on a regular basis to make those really permanent changes in the brain," she says.

The IMAGINE Acronym

Hopper came up with the acronym called "IMAGINE" to encapsulate the strategy of the program:

I stands for intention — The intention being to strengthen alternative neural circuitry and moving the focus away from symptoms in order to change the fight-flight-or-freeze response and normalize limbic system function.

M for motivation — It's not an overnight fix, so you need to find the motivation to do the exercises daily.

A for awareness and association — You need to become aware of how limbic system impairment affects your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. When you catch those thoughts, emotions and behaviors, you'll want to redirect your brain in that moment into an alternate route so that it doesn't continue down the neural pathways associated with the impairment.

You also need to look at your associations. What kind of associations have you created with stimuli that might be activating the threat centers in your brain on a continuous basis, and how can you change these associations?

G for gain — It's important to recognize the gains you make throughout your retraining process. "This is interesting because we all have an innate negativity bias, meaning we're going to notice what's going wrong before we notice what's going right," Hopper says. "If you have limbic system impairment, that negativity bias can be magnified because of the impairment itself."

I for incremental training — It's a form of neural shaping that helps strengthen alternative neurocircuitry by exposing yourself to small amounts of stimulus to help retrain your brain to respond differently to it.

N for neurological and emotional rehearsals — "There's a part of the program where we use our imagination and visualization," Hopper says. "The great thing about imagination is the brain does not know the difference between what's real and what's imagined. There is no end to how we can use our imagination to help in retraining the brain."

Using guided visualization, you can alter your neural chemistry. When in fight-flight-or-freeze response, you release a lot of cortisol, adrenaline and norepinephrine. Using this guided visualization technique, you can stop the production of those stress hormones and increase production of feel good hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins.

E for environmental awareness — Last but not least, you need to assess your day-to-day environment and create the most pristine and beautiful healing environment for yourself.

The Importance of Addressing Cellular Injury

In essence, the central principle of DNRS is that neurons that fire together, wire together. The purpose of many of these exercises is to rewire them in the direction of healing, because they've been hyperfacilitated in the direction of injury.

While testimonials attest to the effectiveness of Hopper's program, it's also important to realize that this does not address the cellular injury that EMFs cause. My view is that your limbic system alarms and alerts you in order for you to take steps to stop this cellular damage that is occurring.

So, I believe it's vitally important to address both your limbic dysfunction and the cellular damage that has occurred in your body. Hopper agrees that both angles are equally important, but that limbic system retraining is the missing link for many:

"Let's take chemical injury for example. Is it affecting the tissues? Is it affecting the cellular level? Absolutely. Detoxification might be a good thing for most people, but for the person who has a limbic system injury, they'll still be sick even after they've detoxified … or they might find that detoxification treatments actually heighten symptoms rather than lower symptoms, because the brain is stuck in that trauma state.

The cells of the body have also affected the brain. We could do all these treatments to help with the cellular, clearing the body celullarly from what is happening, yet for a lot of people, that will be enough. If they're still sick, then we really want to look at that brain component too."

So, remember, just because your symptoms dissipate, which the DNRS method will do for many, that doesn't necessarily mean you've mitigated the cellular injury EMF exposure has inflicted. Ideally, you want to do both. It's a combination of the two that's so crucial for complete healing.

Amazing Stories of Recovery

Hopper’s book contains a number of accounts of remarkable recovery stories using her program. One not included in the book is Riley, who was bedridden for three years with severe chronic Lyme disease.

"He could not speak, could not eat. He was partially paralyzed. He was sensitive to light, to sound, to movement, to chemicals. He’d also had mold exposure. His mom kept him alive by feeding him little Dixie cups of soup.

He’d been to a lot of really great practitioners and had come a long way. They got him walking again and being able to talk, but he was still left with a lot of different issues, like food sensitivities, chemical sensitivities, some OCD, some movement disorder.

Riley came to the program. It took him about a year to recover from the symptoms that were left … that were related to limbic system impairment. He’s fully recovered. He traveled in Europe and went backpacking for a year. It’s a pretty amazing story."

Hopper also recounts two other success stories, including one of a woman with a balance disorder who made a remarkable recovery on the program. Another is of a young woman who had severe POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) who went from being in a wheelchair to rollerblading. At present, Hopper has two research projects in the works.

One is an observational study at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, involving 100 participants with a wide variety of medical diagnoses. This study aims to assess how the DNRS program affects quality of life and measure changes in symptom severity over the course of a year.

The second research initiative is taking place at the University of Calgary. In this study, they will review brain scans of people who have chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia or chemical sensitivities to get a baseline brain scan and then look at how the brain changes when someone is actually implementing the program for a period of at least six months. According to Hopper, the estimated success rate of improving quality of life is about 90 percent. Hopefully, these studies validate that estimate.

More Information

While the program appears to be very effective, you do have to be motivated to do it. Being under a high degree of stress may also dampen results. Homelessness might be an example here. "But by all means, give it your best go. You might not get the results that you want to see as quickly, but that doesn't mean that you won't see results," Hopper says.

That said, she does not recommend the program for certain mental conditions, such as schizophrenia, or if you're currently going through extreme situational stress, such as if you're going through a court case, or grieving a loved one who just passed away.

"That might not be a really good time to start the course," she says. "It doesn't mean that it's impossible, but it might slow the progression down. I think that if someone's just passed away, you're dealing with grief or loss, there's a natural progression to grieving and a natural process where grieving takes place.

I don't think that would be a really great time to start the program, because we really want people to focus specifically on elevating their emotional state as much as they can, not only when they're doing the exercises and also throughout the day. If you're in the grieving process, it's kind of a little bit difficult to do."

Barring severe mental illness or extreme stress, if you've been suffering for a long time with a chronic and mysterious illness, be it CFS, fibromyalgia, chemical sensitivities, EHS, Lyme disease, food sensitivities or any number of other difficult-to-pin-down ailments, consider giving limbic system retraining a try.

"Don't give up hope. There's an answer. There's a way out of suffering," Hopper says. "I made a promise to myself when I was sick that if and when I find an answer, I would share that with the world. I'm doing my very best to do that. Our team is expanding more and more.

The DVD has been translated into seven languages. We have people from all over the world and over 65 countries report to us that they're recovering their health through limbic system retraining. All I would like to say is, 'Give it a try. Embrace the program.' I think that people will be pleasantly surprised with the results."

To get your feet wet and learn more about the science behind the DNRS program, pick up a copy of “Wired for Healing: Remapping the Brain to Recover From Chronic and Mysterious Illnesses.” If you decide you want to go through the course, you can pick up the 14-hour DVD course on Hopper’s website, RetrainingTheBrain.com (you can also opt to do the training online).

There you can also register for the five-day interactive training seminar. Since people coming to the program have a wide variety of sensitivities, great care is taken to ensure a safe and healthy environment for most participants.

from http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2019/03/17/limbic-retraining.aspx

source http://niapurenaturecom.weebly.com/blog/wired-for-healing-remapping-the-brain-to-recover-from-chronic-and-mysterious-illnesses

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Wired for Healing: Remapping the Brain to Recover From Chronic and Mysterious Illnesses

Annie Hopper is a limbic retraining specialist. While you may never have heard this term, limbic hyperactivity or dysfunction appears to be a foundational core of the dysfunction and challenges associated with multiple chemical sensitivity (MCS), electromagnetic hypersensitivity (EHS), chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), fibromyalgia and a number of other conditions, and by retraining your limbic system to respond appropriately, symptoms may subside or vanish.

Hopper was herself homeless for a time due to her EHS, which made her unable to tolerate modern environments. I recently met Hopper in Peter Sullivan’s electromagnetic field (EMF) tent at an autism conference run by Jenny McCarthy called Generation Rescue. Sullivan is an environmental health funder who focuses on toxins and wireless safety.

Sullivan had also benefited from Hopper’s work. Intrigued, I read Hopper’s book, “Wired for Healing: Remapping the Brain to Recover From Chronic and Mysterious Illnesses,” which is a great resource.

Developing EHS — A Personal Account

Hopper describes the challenges that led to writing her book:

“It started in 2004. I was working as a core belief counsellor in Kelowna, British Columbia. I was working at an office that [had] mold … [and] my office was located right next door to the janitor’s supply room, where they held all the cleaning chemicals for the office, all those really heavy-duty industrial cleaners.

What I also didn’t know was that the actual office that I was renting used to be a part of the janitor’s supply room. They just put up a wall to make a little office space. It didn’t have proper ventilation either.

I worked in that office for about five months. Over that period, I started to get progressively sick. Before that, [and] this is what we call like the perfect storm for a limbic system impairment … I was in a car accident where I had a minor whiplash injury. That was probably about the fifth car accident prior to this mold and chemical exposure.

Anyway, for the five months that I was in this building, I started to progressively get symptoms, like anxiety, chronic muscle and joint pain, and this growing sensitivity to just everyday things in my environment, like perfumes and colognes. That’s how it started … Really, it felt like I was being literally poisoned by any kind of chemical exposure.

I moved out of the building eventually because I recognized that it was the building that was making me sick, but by that time, it was too late. The damage was already done … [Then] I had what I call a tipping point. I was walking through a bookstore and by a scented candle display. Someone else might be OK with that, but … at that point, something happened to my brain.

I went over the edge in terms of this fight-or-flight response that just did not stop. At that point, it felt like I was having a brain hemorrhage or something. Light hurt. Sound hurt. Smell hurt. Everything hurt … When I woke up the next morning … I couldn’t wear the same clothes that I’d worn, because my brain was now picking up on the smallest amount of chemical residue from laundry detergent as potentially life-threatening.

That started a very bizarre kind of science fiction world where I really had to navigate how I did life. If I was walking down the street and someone happened to be doing their laundry and they had dryer exhaust going off, if I walked by that, I might go into convulsions.

It was very serious, hugely debilitating. I had to quit my job. I had to stop socializing. I was very much homebound and getting depressed. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they did. What seemed like overnight, I developed EHS.

By this time, I’ve already got severe chemical sensitivities. I also have fibromyalgia. I was suffering from anxiety, insomnia and a host of other things, and then I developed this EMF sensitivity. What that meant was that my body could detect EMF.”

Chemical Sensitivities and EHS Often Go Hand in Hand

It’s a known fact that many who struggle with chemical sensitivities are at higher risk of EHS, and that was certainly Hopper’s experience. In addition to a burning skin sensation, which is a very common symptom of EHS, she also lost her ability to speak, which she says is a severe symptom associated with both chemical sensitivities and EHS.

“When I started to talk, I would say something that really didn’t make any sense. It wasn’t actually what I was thinking,” she says. “There was something very cognitively off as well. I had a lot of brain fog and just not being able to focus, inability to articulate, to think, to put thoughts together, to string a sentence together, all of that.”

To survive, she had to get away from all these chemical and EMF triggers. At the time, she was living with her husband, James, in a condo in Kelowna, British Columbia. It was impossible to get away from wireless radiation. In the end, she had to resort to camping. 

“Even before this time, I knew that my brain was being affected. It really made sense to me that my brain was not processing sensory information accurately anymore,” she says.

“Somehow, the fight-or-flight centers in my brain were being triggered so much so that it was distorting some of the information that was coming into my brain and making this overreactive, overresponsive, hypervigilant reaction that was also affecting my immune system, my endocrine system, my neurology — all of it …

It made sense for me that it was some sort of brain injury, some form of brain trauma — something was wrong. I started to look at what area of the brain was responsible for sense of smell because, to me, that seemed like the right place to start.”

The Role of Your Limbic System in EHS

As a result, Hopper began researching the limbic system, which is the emotional and reactive part of your brain, responsible for filtering sensory and emotional information, and sorting that information into two distinct categories: safe or unsafe.

“You can imagine that if any of those neurons along that neural network are damaged or not working functionally in any way, then that can start to categorize information that would not normally be considered dangerous as life-threatening,” Hopper says.

This is an entirely unconscious response, of course. Essentially, your brain gets stuck in the fight-flight-or-freeze mechanism. She also researched neuroplasticity, which is your brain’s ability to change.

She discovered there was a lot of research showing limbic system overactivation is common denominator for many different illnesses, including CFS, fibromyalgia, chemical sensitivities, depression and anxiety. While reading Dr. Norman Doidge’s book, “The Brain That Changes Itself,” she had a sudden revelation.

“He was talking about Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz, who is the guru for obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Schwartz recognized that with OCD, there is a part of the brain that just wasn’t functioning properly. That’s what keeps people in this feeling of contamination or obsessive worrying. I thought, ‘I don’t have OCD, but certainly I feel like my mind or my brain is stuck.”

Schwartz would scan his patients’ brains to see how the brain was operating when they were having an OCD attack. He then gave them a series of self-directed neuroplasticity exercises to do at home, and rescanned their brain after a period of time. What he discovered was that their brains were actually being rewired.

The more they practiced these exercises, the more their brain changed, to the point where they actually reversed the changes that were happening during OCD. As a result, they were able to function normally again.

“It seemed to me like that was the right place to look,” Hopper says. “I started to become my own personal guinea pig, looking at how could I change the limbic system, knowing that it was the feeling and reacting brain and knowing that it could be categorizing information or distorting information … This is not unlike post-traumatic stress disorder, I think. Or traumatic brain injury …

You know, I was just as surprised as anyone else, to be honest with you. When I started to notice changes in symptoms, my first thought was, ‘Hallelujah’ … Through influencing this part of my brain and rewiring the brain, it actually dampened and reduced symptoms, and miraculously normalized my sensory perception.

When your sensory perception goes back to being normal, your body is no longer reacting to everything. That made it possible for me to live in the world again and be of the world again, and be an active participant in my life.”

What Causes Limbic System Impairment?

So, what actually causes this limbic system impairment in the first place? As noted by Hopper, it could be a number of different things, including viral, bacterial, emotional or psychological stress. It could be chemical injury, mold or excessive EMF exposure. “Usually it’s a combination of all of that that leads to what we call the perfect storm. These kinds of stresses are cumulative,” she says.

Ultimately, her experience and research led her to develop the Dynamic Neural Retraining System (DNRS) course, which is now offered as a five-day interactive training program around North America and Europe. The program is also available online and as a 14-hour DVD series.

It’s not a quick process. It can take many months of diligent work, but the end results are clearly worth the effort. Hopper recommends practicing the program daily for at least six months.

“It takes a while to change those neural networks. Even though people might start feeling changes within a few days or a few weeks or a few months, you really want to repeat those exercises on a regular basis to make those really permanent changes in the brain,” she says.

The IMAGINE Acronym

Hopper came up with the acronym called “IMAGINE” to encapsulate the strategy of the program:

I stands for intention — The intention being to strengthen alternative neural circuitry and moving the focus away from symptoms in order to change the fight-flight-or-freeze response and normalize limbic system function.

M for motivation — It’s not an overnight fix, so you need to find the motivation to do the exercises daily.

A for awareness and association — You need to become aware of how limbic system impairment affects your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. When you catch those thoughts, emotions and behaviors, you’ll want to redirect your brain in that moment into an alternate route so that it doesn’t continue down the neural pathways associated with the impairment.

You also need to look at your associations. What kind of associations have you created with stimuli that might be activating the threat centers in your brain on a continuous basis, and how can you change these associations?

G for gain — It’s important to recognize the gains you make throughout your retraining process. “This is interesting because we all have an innate negativity bias, meaning we’re going to notice what’s going wrong before we notice what’s going right,” Hopper says. “If you have limbic system impairment, that negativity bias can be magnified because of the impairment itself.”

I for incremental training — It’s a form of neural shaping that helps strengthen alternative neurocircuitry by exposing yourself to small amounts of stimulus to help retrain your brain to respond differently to it.

N for neurological and emotional rehearsals — “There’s a part of the program where we use our imagination and visualization,” Hopper says. “The great thing about imagination is the brain does not know the difference between what’s real and what’s imagined. There is no end to how we can use our imagination to help in retraining the brain.”

Using guided visualization, you can alter your neural chemistry. When in fight-flight-or-freeze response, you release a lot of cortisol, adrenaline and norepinephrine. Using this guided visualization technique, you can stop the production of those stress hormones and increase production of feel good hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins.

E for environmental awareness — Last but not least, you need to assess your day-to-day environment and create the most pristine and beautiful healing environment for yourself.

The Importance of Addressing Cellular Injury

In essence, the central principle of DNRS is that neurons that fire together, wire together. The purpose of many of these exercises is to rewire them in the direction of healing, because they’ve been hyperfacilitated in the direction of injury.

While testimonials attest to the effectiveness of Hopper’s program, it’s also important to realize that this does not address the cellular injury that EMFs cause. My view is that your limbic system alarms and alerts you in order for you to take steps to stop this cellular damage that is occurring.

So, I believe it’s vitally important to address both your limbic dysfunction and the cellular damage that has occurred in your body. Hopper agrees that both angles are equally important, but that limbic system retraining is the missing link for many:

“Let’s take chemical injury for example. Is it affecting the tissues? Is it affecting the cellular level? Absolutely. Detoxification might be a good thing for most people, but for the person who has a limbic system injury, they’ll still be sick even after they’ve detoxified … or they might find that detoxification treatments actually heighten symptoms rather than lower symptoms, because the brain is stuck in that trauma state.

The cells of the body have also affected the brain. We could do all these treatments to help with the cellular, clearing the body celullarly from what is happening, yet for a lot of people, that will be enough. If they’re still sick, then we really want to look at that brain component too.”

So, remember, just because your symptoms dissipate, which the DNRS method will do for many, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve mitigated the cellular injury EMF exposure has inflicted. Ideally, you want to do both. It’s a combination of the two that’s so crucial for complete healing.

Amazing Stories of Recovery

Hopper’s book contains a number of accounts of remarkable recovery stories using her program. One not included in the book is Riley, who was bedridden for three years with severe chronic Lyme disease.

“He could not speak, could not eat. He was partially paralyzed. He was sensitive to light, to sound, to movement, to chemicals. He’d also had mold exposure. His mom kept him alive by feeding him little Dixie cups of soup.

He’d been to a lot of really great practitioners and had come a long way. They got him walking again and being able to talk, but he was still left with a lot of different issues, like food sensitivities, chemical sensitivities, some OCD, some movement disorder.

Riley came to the program. It took him about a year to recover from the symptoms that were left … that were related to limbic system impairment. He’s fully recovered. He traveled in Europe and went backpacking for a year. It’s a pretty amazing story.”

Hopper also recounts two other success stories, including one of a woman with a balance disorder who made a remarkable recovery on the program. Another is of a young woman who had severe POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) who went from being in a wheelchair to rollerblading. At present, Hopper has two research projects in the works.

One is an observational study at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, involving 100 participants with a wide variety of medical diagnoses. This study aims to assess how the DNRS program affects quality of life and measure changes in symptom severity over the course of a year.

The second research initiative is taking place at the University of Calgary. In this study, they will review brain scans of people who have chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia or chemical sensitivities to get a baseline brain scan and then look at how the brain changes when someone is actually implementing the program for a period of at least six months. According to Hopper, the estimated success rate of improving quality of life is about 90 percent. Hopefully, these studies validate that estimate.

More Information

While the program appears to be very effective, you do have to be motivated to do it. Being under a high degree of stress may also dampen results. Homelessness might be an example here. “But by all means, give it your best go. You might not get the results that you want to see as quickly, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t see results,” Hopper says.

That said, she does not recommend the program for certain mental conditions, such as schizophrenia, or if you’re currently going through extreme situational stress, such as if you’re going through a court case, or grieving a loved one who just passed away.

“That might not be a really good time to start the course,” she says. “It doesn’t mean that it’s impossible, but it might slow the progression down. I think that if someone’s just passed away, you’re dealing with grief or loss, there’s a natural progression to grieving and a natural process where grieving takes place.

I don’t think that would be a really great time to start the program, because we really want people to focus specifically on elevating their emotional state as much as they can, not only when they’re doing the exercises and also throughout the day. If you’re in the grieving process, it’s kind of a little bit difficult to do.”

Barring severe mental illness or extreme stress, if you’ve been suffering for a long time with a chronic and mysterious illness, be it CFS, fibromyalgia, chemical sensitivities, EHS, Lyme disease, food sensitivities or any number of other difficult-to-pin-down ailments, consider giving limbic system retraining a try.

“Don’t give up hope. There’s an answer. There’s a way out of suffering,” Hopper says. “I made a promise to myself when I was sick that if and when I find an answer, I would share that with the world. I’m doing my very best to do that. Our team is expanding more and more.

The DVD has been translated into seven languages. We have people from all over the world and over 65 countries report to us that they’re recovering their health through limbic system retraining. All I would like to say is, 'Give it a try. Embrace the program.’ I think that people will be pleasantly surprised with the results.”

To get your feet wet and learn more about the science behind the DNRS program, pick up a copy of “Wired for Healing: Remapping the Brain to Recover From Chronic and Mysterious Illnesses.” If you decide you want to go through the course, you can pick up the 14-hour DVD course on Hopper’s website, RetrainingTheBrain.com (you can also opt to do the training online).

There you can also register for the five-day interactive training seminar. Since people coming to the program have a wide variety of sensitivities, great care is taken to ensure a safe and healthy environment for most participants.

from Articles http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2019/03/17/limbic-retraining.aspx source https://niapurenaturecom.tumblr.com/post/183510762801