#literally waited til she went to the bathroom then filled my sister in so when she came back we started very loudly discussing mizumono

[femmefae2005]

sooooo embarrassing to be having a hannigram resurgence phase in the year of our lord 2023, but on the upside I am having fun thru the shame lmfao

[buckys-black-dress]

stargazing (bucky barnes x fem!reader)

a/n: so this idea totally just came to me because this trope is honestly so cute and i love these and i need to get this out of my system. i listened to stargazing by the neighborhood while writing this and i LOVE this song, so i’d recommend listening while reading! (just listen to the whole album).

also-- happy new year! 2020 quite literally fucked us up but im so grateful this year was the one where i decided to come on here and share my work with yall. i love every single one of my readers, so THANK YOU! anyways, without further ado...

enjoy my dearies!!! -ali

wc: 2.8k

- 

When you first became best friends with Rebecca Barnes in preschool, the last place you’d expected to end up was with a massive crush on her older brother.

James, or Bucky, as he likes to be called my his close friends, was basically the perfect guy for you. He was kind, witty, and didn’t treat you like a child. (Anymore). 

Now that you had graduated high school and were in you first year of college, Bucky was in his second year. And things were getting rough. 

You were a Cognitive Psychology major, and your main interest was in becoming an occupational therapist. You were attending Columbia University. 

And of course, so was Bucky, studying English Literature. Rebecca was studying at FIT, her main interest being in fashion design. All three of you couldn’t bear to leave New York City, so you all decided to stay nearby. 

Since all three of you were in the same area, more or less, you three remained close and tight-knit. Since you were still a freshman, you decided to dorm on campus, while Rebecca and Bucky did the same. Bucky was in a fraternity, so he had a place in the house, and you often found yourself hanging out in his room, having been introduced to most of his brothers.

Like today, it was Thursday night, and your classes were cancelled for tomorrow. You were in no rush to get back to your room, and your roommate was also out at her boyfriend’s. Rebecca thought you were finishing up an essay, though. 

“Y/N, you’re crashing here tonight?” Bucky’s voice caused his chest to rumble under your place on it. 

“Yeah, is that alright?” You asked, looking up at him.

“Of course, Y/N/N.” He smiled back down at you, trying to ignore the fluttering in his chest at your doe eyes. 

She’s your sister’s best friend. Becca would hate you.

“I’m gonna wash up before I fall asleep, Buck.” You said with a yawn, lifting yourself off of Bucky’s warm, comfortable bed. 

Bucky watched your form disappear out of his room to the bathroom next door, his chest deflating with a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. 

I’m so fucked.

-

Making your short walk to the bathroom, your mind was filled with thoughts, and you really didn’t know what to do in this current situation. 

You and Becca had been best friends since you were both in preschool.

And now you were pretty certain that you had the biggest crush known to humankind on her older brother. 

Staring at your reflection in the mirror as you pat your face dry, you wondered what would happen if this went further. 

What would happen if you told Bucky that you liked him?

What would Becca do if she knew you liked her brother?

Shaking your head at yourself, you knew you couldn’t do that to Becca. She’s been there for you through everything that’s happened to you. To just turn around and tell her that you’ve fallen for her brother- you don’t know if that would be the right thing to do.

But how could you just outwardly deny your feelings for Bucky?

A knock on the bathroom door drew you out of your thoughts, letting whoever was knocking know that they could come in. 

“Hey, Y/N, how ya been?” It was one of Bucky’s closest friends whom you also knew growing up, Steve Rogers. 

“Hey Steve, I’m good. How ‘bout you?” You asked, getting ready to head back to Bucky’s room. 

“Good, good, y’know, Peg’s keepin’ me on my toes.” He flashed you a smile, a blush creeping up on his face at the mention of his girlfriend. 

“Aw, Stevie’s in loooove,” You sing-songed, pinching his cheek.

“Well, I think I could say the same for you, Y/N/N.” Steve scoffed back in retort, but your breath hitched at the words.

“Shut up, Steve...” You mumbled, twiddling your fingers. 

“Y/N, I’m serious... You and Buck ‘ve been spending a lot of time together and I can tell. He’s my best friend, and I know when my best friend is taken for someone. Trust me, Y/N, your feelings aren’t one-sided.” And with that, he steps into the bathroom, leaving you reeling at his words.

Lost in your thought again, you walked back to Bucky’s room. You tucked yourself under his warm duvet, as you fell into a deep slumber with his arm wrapped around your waist, thinking about the weight of it around you as you fell asleep.

- 

The next morning was... quiet... to say the least. After your encounter with Steve in the bathroom, you really didn’t know how to feel about your feelings towards Bucky. He felt the tenseness that was rolling off of you in waves, making him wonder if he did something to make you upset. 

Bucky wondered if he was doing too much, wondering if he had caused you to be uncomfortable with him for some reason.

So naturally, he pulled back.

As the days went on and got colder, you found yourself spending more time in your dorm, or places that weren’t associated with Bucky in your mind. 

And it was safe to say the both of you were losing it.

Bucky was slowly losing his composure, where he would participate the most in his seminar classes, he was quiet and folded in on himself, losing his confidence. 

Where you were the most outspoken on certain topics in your classes, you became a bit of a hermit. 

And almost everyone noticed.

Most notably, Becca and Steve.

When you returned from class at the end of a long week without Bucky, you invited Becca over to have take out in your room.

“So, how’s your week been?” She asks, reaching into your takeout box and grabbing a piece of garlic honey chicken.

Rolling your eyes, you say “Fine, same old. You? How’d that design project go?” 

“It was awesome! My professor really loved my piece, she said it was one of the ‘most original takes’ on this project she’s seen!” Becca was ecstatic and you were so proud of her.

“That’s so awesome, Bec! One day you’re gonna have to make me something that I can wear, and when someone asks me where I got it, I’ll just say, ‘oh, sorry my best friend made it, you’ll have to wait ‘til it hits the runways to buy it.’” You laugh, pointing your chopsticks at her.

“Y/N, stop, you flatterer.” She smirked, looking back down at her food. “Hey, I’ve also been meaning to ask... have you noticed Bucky acting weird as of late, or anything? Is it just me or is he like... way more quiet than usual?” Becca asked inquisitively. 

“Oh- uh, I actually have no idea. I haven’t really seen him that much this week. Just around campus here and there.” You shrug your shoulders, the pit in your stomach nagging at you.

“Really? You guys usually hang out more often...” She responds, and your face burns in embarrassment. 

“Wh- How do you know how often your brother and I hang out?” Your voice didn’t even feel like your own as you spoke, quickly occupying it with food.

“Well, he does live with Steve... Apparently you’re around there pretty often.” Rebecca eyes you, seeing your body language and how uncomfortable you seem. “Y/N... If you like my brother, that’s okay. I think you guys would be cute together. And I can tell you like him, so don’t try to deny it.” Becca smiles, reaching to rest a hand on yours in comfort. 

“Wh- You don’t care?” You ask in confusion, expecting a bit of a more dramatic reaction. 

“Of course I care, I care about my two favorite people being happy. And if they’re happy together, then that’s even better!” She explains, and your head spins.

“I- I’m telling you this in confidence, Becca. You can’t tell anyone, not Steve, not Peggy, and absolutely not Bucky...” She nods, moving closer to you. “I...I do like Bucky. A lot. But I don’t think he likes me that way. I mean, just look at his exes. I’m not like Natasha, or those gorgeous girls. And what if he just sees me as his friend. Like a little sister?” You finish, your hands flailing around and out of breath. 

“Y/N... I know my brother, but I can’t read his mind. If I had to take a wild guess... I’d say he likes you too. Based on what Steve tells me, based on how Bucky acts when you come up in conversation... his eyes light up, dude. I think you need to talk to him, face to face.” Rebecca explains, giving her best advice. “You both deserve to be happy, and I think you could both give that to each other.” She softly smiles. 

“Thanks, Becca. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” You laugh, pulling her into a tight hug. “I’ll talk to him.”

- 

In the frat house across the campus, Steve and Bucky were sitting in the living room amongst some of their other brothers. 

“Buck, what’s been up with you this week?” Tony, a senior and president of the frat asks from the kitchen.

“Hm?” Bucky looks up, confused at the question.

“You’ve been... off all week long.” Sam chimes in from next to him on the couch, eyes leaving the football match on the TV.

“I’m fine, why?” Bucky deflects, taking a sip of his drink in hand.

“Whatever you say, but I have a feeling this has to do with Y/N... haven’t seen her around here at all this week.” Tony points out, plopping down on a futon. 

Steve’s eyes widened, looking down at his phone that he’s been on all night.

Little did Bucky know, Rebecca was feeding him information about you to him directly, trying to make sense of his friend’s odd behavior this week.

His eyes shot to Bucky’s, trying to gauge his reaction to Tony’s mention of you.

“Yeah, she’s been.... busy, I guess. Haven’t really talked to her.” Bucky says nonchalantly. 

“Why not? You two are basically attached at the hip... like, Friday nights are usually your thing together. I thought you’d man up and ask her out already.” Sam’s response caused a stillness in the room, everyone looking at Bucky for his next move. 

But it was quiet. 

“She’s... she’s my sister’s best friend... I don’t think Becca would appreciate me taking her best friend out to dinner.” Bucky said in a low voice, clearing his throat. 

“Have you asked her how she feels about it?” Thor asks from his spot on the other couch. “Maybe she’s fine with it, she doesn’t seem to be too stuck up...” He suggests.

“My sister isn’t stuck up, man. Watch it.” He responds defensively. 

“I wasn’t saying that! But you should talk to her about it, that’s all I’m saying!” Thor fights back. 

“I just- I don’t know, last week when Y/N was here, she went to the bathroom to wash up at night, and when she came back she was acting totally different. She’s usually comfortable around me, but she was acting like... like she was uncomfortable around me. I thought I did something to make her feel that way, so I kinda backed off this week.” Bucky explains, trying to understand what went wrong.

“Well, did she say anything? Did she try to reach out this week?” Tony asks. 

“I mean, she texted me a few times, but it was casual conversation. I can’t tell how she’s feeling. I like her, but I don’t want to make things weird for her and Becca, or Becca and I.” 

And this is where Steve chimes in. 

“I mean, come on Buck, it’s obvious she likes you too. I think you need to talk to her, because Becca wants you two to be happy. I don’t think she’d care that much, y’know?”

“But what if I make things awkward? Like, what if I read the signals wrong this whole time, and she doesn’t even really like me?” Bucky was now going into a deep spiral, and Steve needed to pull him out, fast. 

“Buck, I don’t think so. You should talk to her, face to face.” Steve encouraged.

“You think so?” Bucky wasn’t so convinced.

“Yes!” A chorus of voices echoed in the house, causing Bucky to jump to his feet, ready to confront this head-on.

“Okay, yeah, yes, I’m gonna tell her how I feel. I got this, I’ll be fine-” But his pumping-up session was cut short from the doorbell ringing through the house.

Steve got up, “I got it.” He simply said, smirking mischievously as he turned to face the door and twisted the knob.

And of course, it was none other than you.

“Hey Buck? I think it’s for you!” Steve yells from the doorway, stepping out of the way and directing everyone in the living room to hide out of sight. Of course, they were all still eavesdropping and lurking about.

“Doll, what’re ya doin’ here?” Bucky was beyond confused, you timing was impeccable. 

“I-I have some things I wanna talk about. I just, I think we need to talk.” You say, looking up at him.

“Y-Yeah, come inside, it’s freezing out. What’s up, doll?” He asks, pulling you into the house and into the living room, sitting down next to you on a couch, making sure to face you. 

“Everything’s alright... but I need to get this off my chest before I go crazy-” You stop yourself from rambling further. “I was having dinner with Becca earlier, and we... talked... about some things. And apparently, someone was telling her about all the time we spend together.” Bucky was listening, but cursing Steve in his head, knowing he was behind it. 

“And I know last week I was acting weird, but I promise, it wasn’t because of something you did. Well, it kinda was, b-but not something bad, y’know?” You explain, trying to get Bucky to understand how you feel.

“Whaddaya mean, doll? If I did something, tell me, because I would never want to hurt you-” He started, trying to pinpoint his actions. 

“You made me like you! There, you happy?” You exclaim, hands covering your cherry red face. “I said it! I like you. And I totally understand if you don’t feel the same way, I’m just your little sister’s annoying friend, I get it-” 

But instead of the feeling of rejection, you were met with Bucky’s lips on yours, his hands cupping your cheeks.

Bucky was kissing you.

Bucky was kissing you!

Holy fuck!

What. The. Fuck. 

But before you could overthink anything, you heard loud whoops and cheers coming from all around you.

“What the hell? Steve?” You asked, looking around, trying to process the last minute.

“Finally! Took ya two idiots long enough! God, Becca and I didn’t know how much longer we’d have to be your freakin’ puppet masters.” He laughed from his spot in the kitchen. 

“Come on doll, let’s go upstairs to talk, where we could have some privacy...” Bucky said pointedly, looking at his brothers as they kept cheering as you two made your way up the stairs. 

- 

Once the door closed behind you two, you were quite literally speechless.

“You kissed me.” You pointed out the obvious, since your mind was still reeling.

“I did.” Bucky simply answers.

“...Why?” You ask, like an idiot. 

“Because, for the past three years I’ve had the biggest crush known to man on you... and I knew if I didn’t kiss you then, I never would. Kind of a life or death situation here, doll.” He jokes trying to gauge your mood.

“Bucky...” You sighed, walking closer to him, holding his face, “you can kiss me whenever you want.” And punctuated your sentence with a kiss. 

“Well... then... can I call you my girlfriend?” He asks, looking into your twinkling eyes. Bucky’s large hands cover your waist, pulling you closer against him.

“Yeah... I think you can.” You answer, the sparkle never leaving your eyes.

“Hmmm... finally.” Bucky hums, closing the gap between your lips over and over again. 

Your loud giggle fills the room as Bucky peppers kisses all over your face, trying to make up for lost time. 

“Hey, make sure to use protection, kids!” someone’s voice comes from down the hall from’s Bucky’s room.

“Shut up, Sam!” You both yell in unison, resuming your previous activities.

And in this moment, there’s nowhere else either of you would rather be. 

[naeshitsherlock]

I would put this under a read more under the cut or whatever but I’m on mobile and I don’t think I can so basically I just need to dump this here to put it in my diary tag for future reference and posterity etc

So I’ve been back to watching crazy ex gf on Netflix after a long break (watching too much at once makes my own personality go a little crazy so I gotta be careful) and it helped me realise the context of my brain a little better. Unfortunately I can’t find the exact scene on YouTube so I gotta send the script quote instead which has less impact

...so I can’t even find the quote so maybe I paraphrased it in my dream idk. But anyway, not the point. So Rebecca has an emotional collapse and just... gives up. Like wholly and completely. Overdosed on antianxiety pills and gets sent to hospital for a psych evaluation bc clearly she’s not right

And this new doctor comes along and tells her he’s talked to her therapist and checked out her symptoms and thinks he’s maybe got a real accurate diagnosis for her

And it suddenly fills her with so much hope, and she sings this incredible song that might stay in my heart forever

https://youtu.be/nK2DlLmVc20

“Fake it til you make it” is my absolute motto I live by bc I always felt like I don’t feel like other people do. If I get caught up in the moment of something then I can have fun, sure, but generally? Day to day? I mostly just exist inside my own violet thoughts

Everything is just a hazy dark purple

So she sings this song about finally, _*finally*_ having hope that somebody can tell her why she feels how she feels and that there’s a way to cure it

And she’s looking at people who have mental illnesses and says ‘perfect they’re not but at least they know who they are’ (I’ll come back to this part later for another reason)

And that hit me like a ton of bricks

So I’ve been on antidepressants now for three years, but over those years I’ve tested a whole bunch and different concentrations (wait, doses? Science brain takes over sometimes) and even though the one I’m on now makes me feel... I guess stable, I still don’t feel... good

And every time I see my doctor she asks if it could be better

And it’s so hard to remember what I was like _before_ I started taking meds, but then I saw this episode and it just smacked me up the head

Like if you go from having long hair to bald, it’s an easy comparison, yeah? But what if you just chop centimetres at a time until there’s nothing left

It’s so hard to compare between what it was and what it now is

Just sort of realising that knowing what your problem is is a huge weight off your shoulders and I realised how different I am now from me back then

And then I was watching this and Rebecca was like ‘it’s too much effort to do things or see people or go outside or even just exist’ in the most heartbreaking voice, like completely not a deadpan joke, just absolutely broken down and reduced to basal nothingness, and I got like a sudden timetravel moment back to those feelings

When I was in high school I couldn’t hang out with my friends bc of anxiety. My mum forced me into the car to drop me off once and she had to drive me home after I couldn’t stop sobbing in front of my friends for 10 minutes telling them that I really wanted to hang out with them but I felt physically atrocious and was about to throw up my entire gastroinstestinal system

Realistically, one of my biggest issues is that I haven’t even been diagnosed with depression. I’m taking antidepressants but my doctor has never outright stated that I have depression

And even though I’m rational and I know the symptoms add up, there’s still this really quiet voice in the smallest corner of my brain rejecting it

Even back last year when I was in a flat by myself and not working bc I couldn’t find a job, I had... at least two absolutely gut wrenching breakdowns

I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe, like a goddamn baby who can’t use their words to convey their feelings

And it sucked even more bc I CAN use words and I SHOULD be able to convey my feelings, and I just can’t

I cried for almost two hours

It was an awful wail/shriek and once I stopped hyperventillating it would start again

I’ve had anxiety literally as long as I can remember. I was never able to hang out with friends or go to a bathroom without my mum in a restaurant or even just go to a shop and buy something at the checkout until I started uni, and even then it was such a struggle getting through that

I still have that anxiety but now I’m able to boss it around better, but even then I shit myself when I have to go to a shop alone or just... have a professional opinion? Because I feel like an absolute fake

My entire being is just consumed by ennui (the most accurate definition being ‘a crippling listlessness’)

Even going to the doctor, I know it helps, but every month I get anxiety over making the appt, getting the train, seeing the receptionist, talking to the doctor, filling the prescription, making a future appt for the next month, getting the train back, and getting back to my flat

And the whole thing takes ~2h a month but it absolutely destroys me bc it’s not... I guess it’s not enough

I’ve never been seriously suicidal and I hope I never will be, but at the same time one of the reasons is... you have to have an actual desire to kill yourself

I don’t know the last desire I ever had

When I was in high school and my sister almost died in hospital from anorexia I had a complete break, bc my parents just went distant and I probably saw my mother... less than an hour a day. While I was 16. Once I woke her up to tell her I was going to school and instead of saying morning she said ‘I think your sister is going to die’

8am that happened at

I had to then deal with the anxiety of ‘how do I deal with going from being the older sister to the only sister’

If I could pinpoint a moment where I broke? That would be it

...getting back to your original point about how nice it would be to _live_?

I’ve never lived

Not once in my life

That’s why i was trying so hard with online dating even though I hate it so much, because I just want to figure out who the fuck I am and maybe that’ll help me live

It’s similar to the depression - I’ve never had the label so I don’t feel comfortable knowing what’s wrong

I can’t say ‘oh I have the flu, that’s why I feel shitty so it’s ok’

I’m never ok with feeling shitty just _because_, there’s almost always a reason

‘Perfect they’re not but at least they know who they are’ is the one thing keeping me going, that maybe if I work out who/what I am then I’ll start enjoying my existence

I have no major problems, nothing financial or emotional or physical, I’m privileged and surrounded by a support system I guess but I’ve still always felt an extreme detatchmebt

Recently I’ve found myself being super bitter and jealous towards things like the LGBT community bc it’s people celebrating their identity, and I feel like I don’t have one

And yeah ok I can tell myself things like ‘it’s fine to not have a plan’, ‘it’s ok to not know who you are you just need to find yourself’, ‘it’s alright not to get married and be in a committed relationship’, but there’s always part of me that can’t accept those things