#literally trying to get into his stuff without reading all his nightmare fuel

[theunconcernedembalmer]

I would think you have much more matches than I do. When are you free? Coffee sounds good.

Quick question, Recently I’ve been very curious about how people think about me.

Aesop, What do you think about me?

-Eli Clark

@eliclarktheseer

[iron--spider]

I woke up at 3am yesterday to watch The Devil All the Time and I’ve been thinking about it since. I’m gonna put my thoughts and feelings and a review of sorts behind the cut, because I am gonna talk about it freely, so there will be spoilers! So don’t click if you don’t wanna see. I’ll also be discussing the content of the film and I know that might bother people, so that stuff is in here, too! And it’ll be really long because you know I can’t shut up.

So, I loved it. I loved it loved it loved it. I read the book a long time ago when I first found out Tom was gonna be in it, and the only problem I had with the book was that the POVs would change in the middle of a paragraph lmao, but other than that I thought it was pretty perfect. I knew the movie was gonna be pretty brutal, because the book is brutal, so I was prepared.

-BUT I think the critics HIGHLY HIGHLY exaggerated how bad the content was. Like, seriously, they acted as if this was gonna be a Saw movie. I was preparing for blatant, horrific gore, but it didn’t live up to their dramatics at all. There’s blood and nasty situations, but every single episode of Game of Thrones is worse than this movie, as are most episodes of any crime drama on a paid network. I actually thought they were super, super tactful of all their horrific shit. The dog death was off screen and the shot of the body (described by the critics as literally traumatic) was so quick (enough to shut your eyes) and in the dark. I also argue that particular moment is extremely important for Arvin’s journey, because it’s the moment he truly turns on his father and turns on religion entirely, and he carries it with him his whole life (it’s what he flashes back to when he says “I know what my daddy did” because it’s the marker of all Willard’s mistakes) and it winds up being one of the last things he does before he leaves everything behind. Burying Jack’s bones. So, like, I despise dog death or any animal death in my entertainment, but it’s important here and handled well. And all the worst death scenes are either extremely fast (Helen’s and Gary Matthew’s) or shown in negative (all the photos). I think Bodecker’s headshot with Bobo is probably the worst and is also pretty quick. I don’t know if this means I’m a jaded bitch, but God the way they were all whining and crying, I thought it’d be a million times worse. It could have been, with the book’s descriptions, so it was actually pretty tame. Lenora’s death affected me the most and they cut away from that, too. I guess it’ll still bother some people, but there are many, many mainstream things that are far more violent and gory than this was.

-I thought it was a beautiful movie. I never mind films that are slightly slower but I love ones that use their time to lay things out and really show us what’s going on, build the ambiance and the relationships. I loved the narration (which I was worried about), and it really made me feel like we were visiting a moment in time that was important. Like something that was written and should be learned about. Rumors in a town you’re passing through. The ghosts of past trauma and transgressions looming over everyone that’s left.

-I liked the changes they made with Roy and Theodore because I thought that storyline kinda meandered in the book and I’m glad that Roy was actually gone the whole time and not just neglecting to come back to Lenora.

-The only real complaints I can make, I’ll get out of the way here: I wanted a little bit more time with Carl and Sandy. Carl was really creepy, but he could have been much creepier. In the book he was the one looking at the pictures constantly, Not Sandy, and that really showed that he was the one with the sickness, the one pushing them forward and orchestrating it all. I thought they did well with showing how Sandy deteriorated in her efforts with him through the years, but I would have liked to see a bit more of their personal lives together and her fear of him and her genuine feelings about what they’re doing, because the book goes into that a lot more. I also wasn’t a fan of Lee finding the picture early and knowing some about what they were doing, because I liked how it was a surprise to him in the book and yet he still did all he could to cover it up. And lastly, in the book there’s a scene with Arvin after he kills Sandy and Carl where he’s in a motel and he takes like 18 showers because he can’t get the grime of what he’s done off of him, and he looks at the picture and has a nightmare about killing Sandy, and I really would have loved if they’d kept it in. It would have been another ‘acting’ moment for Tom, and it would have been nice for us to see his direct trauma and reaction to everything that’s piling on top of him.

-BUT that’s it. I loved pretty much every single other thing and decision that they made. The cinematography was TOP NOTCH. You could tell they filmed on 35mm film, you could see the grain, and it really, really added to it. Antonio Campos is a very skilled director and I trusted him at the helm of this story. Everything looked so authentic, all the sets and the costumes. The soundtrack and score were AMAZING and enhanced the film. Technically it was just perfect in every regard to me.

-Acting! Acting! God this was like...a massive testament to the casting department and the talent of these people. Everyone was on their A game. Bill Skarsgård has been on my radar since Castle Rock (which I recommend to everybody, both seasons) and he was so natural and great in this role. Haley Bennet was absolutely adorable as Charlotte, I loved her cute face and her sweet relationship with little Arvin. Riley Keough was so great as Sandy with the limited amount of time she had, and Jason Clarke is one of my favorites but he was unrecognizable in this as creepy ass Carl. Harry Melling was a far cry from Dudley Dursley and he did a great job with his screen time, too. Same with Mia Wasikowska, who didn’t have much to do (same as poor Helen in the book) but she was able to garner our sympathy anyway. Seb Stan was slimy and gross but he pulled it off so well. Eliza Scanlen has been one of my favorites since Sharp Objects (another one that’s brutal as hell but I recommend it, she’s so scary) and she was so, so great here. Robert Pattinson was ALRIGHT, everybody talks him up over this but he felt a little hammy to me and a little too over the top, but there’s no denying his talent.

-Now, the reason we’re all here. Tom. My God. As soon as it was over I just didn’t know what the hell to do, I didn’t even know how to....go on, lmfao. We all know he’s talented, that’s why we’re here, that’s why we love him, but his performance in this is just BEYOND all that. Beyond comprehension. The man is only 24 years old and he’s out here outacting people who have been in the industry for longer than he’s been alive. He is SHOCKINGLY good. I knew he’d be perfect for Arvin as soon as I read the book, but he just completely embodied this role in a way that I couldn’t have imagined. He doesn’t show up in the movie until about 45 minutes in (which doesn’t hurt it because of the strength of the leadup, Bill’s performance and the performance of little Arvin’s actor) but God, as soon as he’s there the whole thing comes to life in a way that it hadn’t before. Tom is literally just a shining light, and he draws your eye in every single scene he’s in, and when he’s not there you’re wondering when he’s gonna come back. Arvin, to me, is a very complex character—he has been inherently changed by how his father twisted religion in his childhood, how deeply he betrayed him by his behavior, but he still has a kind heart and a protective streak and the need to be strong despite the pain nearly breaking him apart from moment to moment. Tom is just outrageously good at portraying all Arvin’s little nuances, how he clenches his jaw, how his voice breaks when he’s afraid or trying to convince someone of something or get his point across, how his hands tremble after he’s done something he wishes he didn’t have to do, how his whole body wilts when he realizes he’s emulating his father. And his eyes. Tom can do so, so much with his eyes that it’s unbelievable. He tells you so much with just a simple look, a glance, a wince, a long blink. I’m not exaggerating when I say he’s just an absolute revelation in this, he cements his place in Hollywood with a firm hand and a tender look, and I will not be forgetting what he did here anytime soon. There’s a reason that everyone called him out for being so stunning in this. He is magnificent. He has a gift.

-I wanna say, in particular, how much I love Arvin’s relationship with Lenora. Their lives were both marked by such tragedy and pain and Arvin just took up the torch of protecting her from the moment he said hello as a child. He wants so badly to be tough, and he IS, but there’s just miles and miles of love in this boy’s heart, and it manifests itself for his family—for his uncle, for his grandma, but for Lenora in particular. I loved how he just showed up when she was being harassed and just ran in there without thinking, and it’s purely devastating that he was out taking care of her bullies while a worse predator was cornering her. The scene where she was sick wasn’t in the book but it was a beautiful addition. Tom sometimes wears this very open, unguarded, honest expression, and this is the only scene in which he shows it, and it really expresses the love between them and how much she means to him. Arvin didn’t find Lenora’s body in the book, but it was the right change for them to make. Tom was devastating here, and that pain and that moment truly fuel every second of his journey through the rest of the film. “My Lenora”. The saddest siblings. Both Eliza and Tom did so beautifully with this relationship and I hope they work together again.

-Favorite acting moments for Tom: when he’s in the car in the rain after beating up the bullies, when he’s in the church crowd and realizes Preston is insulting his Grandma (the way his face changes oh my GOD), when he finds Lenora, when the cop comes to tell him Lenora was pregnant (this is just....so damn good), when he was telling his uncle to look after his Grandma, THE ENTIRE CHURCH CONFRONTATION (the way he trembles when he’s trying to get his attention, how he speaks the whole time, how he slowly gathers his strength), when he thinks Sandy has shot him, the moment where he’s over Lee’s body and just....pleading with his eyes for him to listen and realize what he’s done. And the last scene, in the car, all the emphasis on his face....once again, he can do so, so much with a look, with his eyes. Someone called out the beautiful last shot in the film, and of course, it’s Arvin’s sleeping face. And it was so beautiful (and devastating, to think of him enlisting. Tom draws so much sympathy that you just want Arvin to have a normal life so badly. He deserves it, he does, but will he get it?)

-Last thing I’ll say, I really loved how, despite turning his back on religion, that God seems to be protecting Arvin the whole time. He’s terribly afraid confronting the preacher and that could have easily gone badly, especially when he tosses the book, but Arvin was somehow able to get a shot off and get the upper hand. And with Carl and Sandy, he senses something is off immediately once they pull off the road, and he would have absolutely been killed had Carl not switched out Sandy’s bullets for blanks. And in the confrontation with Lee, he once again shoots at the same time as him, shoots without looking, and manages to come out unscathed and on top. A few spoiler reviews pointed out that the last person that picks Arvin up is supposed to be a Jesus-like figure, almost like he’s finally been saved. It hurts that everyone around him that he loved is almost forsaken by God, but he himself is protected. It’s such a complicated commentary on religion throughout the entire piece, but it’s so interesting and engrossing.

So I’d recommend this movie to anyone that loves movies, loves Tom, can deal with a gritty story that takes its time laying out all the chess pieces. It is definitely heavy subject matter but it doesn’t go overboard with the horror as it easily could have. Yes, there are triggers to look for, but the critics hugely over exaggerated how awful it was. I can probably go get time stamps for certain things if people wanna ask me after reading this, but if you can get through a Tarantino film or any HBO drama, you can do this. And Tom’s performance is one for the ages and not one that deserves to be passed over or downplayed. It is beautiful and heart-wrenching—a magnificent turn that displays his monumental ability to reach out and guide you into any world he decides to make his own.

I loved The Devil All the Time.

[the-littlefangirl]

TFATWS episode 1 rewatch commentary

The first scene was so beautiful. I loved that we didn't start directly with the fight sequence. It feels way closer to the quiet beginning of CATWS and I love it so much.

The title is also SO NEAT, music's on point too but hey it’s Henry Jackman the one thing I’m sure it’s going to be great overall is the score.

The choreography is AMAZING, really well shot. Sam shielding himself with only one wing was MA-JES-TIC.

“WHAT'S UP” EXACTLY SAM EXACTLY

I did feel so uncomfortable in regards to the military aspect of it. Not that I was expecting anything else, but both here and in Captain Marvel the military we're good guys < 3 propaganda is so blatant and ugh:/ At least there wasn’t a literal recruitment spot like with CM. 

The yellow filter in the Tunisia scene BYE please stop with the yellow filters 2k21

"I've been working with the Air Force for six months now" So, did Sam even catch a break at all after Endgame? Or did he just throw himself to work like SOMEONE did after being iced for 70 years. Hmmm? Sam????

"Essentially, these people, they want a world that's unified without borders" OH NO! HOW AWFUL, how evil of these bad guys smh

Joaquin: SO about Steve

Sam: :)))))) nope

"Moon stuff" SAAAM

#1 cry with Sam's speech, full on chills.. Fuck. Me. His voice about to break before saying thank you bYE.

Shady politician: "It was the right decision" (FUCKKKKK YOUUU)

Rhodey: *press any key to doubt *

I need someone to analyze the different curation of the two exhibits pretty please

NOT THE PHOTO POST-AZZANO JFC. That photo is my weakness, Bucky sweetie (also I find hilarious that usually when there are articles about Stucky and/or #givecaptainamericaaboyfriend they aaaalways use that photo LMAO)

In case someone wants to read the transcription of the texts about Bucky: "In 1944, while on a mission to thwart a Hydra weapon transport in the Alps, Barnes was thrown from a train and believed to have been killed in action. It wasn't until 2014, over seventy years later, that it was revealed that Barnes was alive, having been found by Hydra operatives. Captain America himself (i can't read) the effort to bring Barnes in only to later aid in a escape from custody having been convinced of his innocence. Steve's loyalty to his old friend, coupled with his refusal to sign the Sokovia Accords, led to the dissolution of the Avengers and drove the Captain into hiding with other like-minded Avengers including Natasha Romanoff, Wanda Maximoff, and Sam Wilson. The current whereabouts of Barnes remains unknown, habing been labeled a fugitive following his escape from custody."

"current wherabout unknown" but not the government, interesting. Also, pretty good summary of CACW from the public's perspective, although one of the things I always wanted to see explored was the public's reaction of the fallout of them going into hiding after Civil War (which I'm hoping we'll get to see a little bit of in Black Widow).

Interesting point about the 70 years without having Captain America. Clearly the sacrifice play wasn't enough this time to fuel the nationalism so they went with a squeaky clean John Walker instead.

Sam saying the shield belongs to Steve I'm going to cry now excuse me. Sam. Sam sweetie.

The No. 1 Captain America comic in the display ugH fuck yes

See this is how you do a cameo that has actual meaning. Thank god for Malcolm Spellman being a competent writer. That scene was so well written.

HAVE YOU PRAISED ANTHONY MACKIE'S PERFORMANCE TODAY?? Holy shit that last shot fucked me up.

I'm loving the use of the wide shots, especially in the flashback. The camera movements are in synch with The Soldier's state of mind and mission focus, so good.

EVERYONE STAND UP FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM aka The Winter Soldier theme composed by Henry Jackman.

Without a doubt the most brutal TWS fight scene there has been, People involved in Punisher and John Wick are involved in this and it SHOWS. 

For the record, still stands that the only time we've seen him chocking someone with his right hand instead of the metal arm remains the Maria Stark assasination. I know it's probably because of blocking and the way the shot was composed but the implications are still bone chilling. God.

Uhhmmmm I'm very ambivalent about the "Hail Hydra". On one hand, it was 100% fanservice and the internet is probably going to go insane over it, and the dead way Sebastian Stan delivered the line. Good shit. Buuut what I love about CATWS is the way Bucky never, ever ever, mouths Hydra rethoric, and even when Pierce tries to gaslight him with it, it's just an empty effort. The Winter Soldier isn't doing anything because of ideological loyalty to Hydra, even if it's product of brainwashing, it's just sheer dehumanization. They don’t need him to say the words because he’s just An Asset. There are people who have put it more eloquently but yeah, I rather go with the fanon interpretation of that aspect.

The music growing louder with the shot of the keys. GOD.

I'm fine this is fine.

#2 cry with the therapy scene of fucking course.

The government monitoring Bucky is noooot going to end well lmao.

"We need to know that you're not gonna * slowmo stabbing motions *

Bucky: * nodding along slowly * 

I laughed out loud.

"It's passive agressive" I love him.

The way this scene just sucker punched me in the face, made me weep and then had me cracking up. Amazing.

Therapist: You can't do anything illegal

Bucky: yup yup check checkity check. What IS considered illegal tho?

*aggresive tablet finger pressing *

"Then why isn't it rule number one?" Bucky your Steve is showing.

I love the close up shot. I'll keep saying it. It's so good.

"I'm James Bucky Barnes" yeah you are🥺

That smile is nightmare fuel LMFAO I love it.

Uhm the way I'm kinning Bucky it's not funny anymore damn

That whole “are you lashing out at me” rambling is really reminiscent of the bar scene in CATFA and how he lashed out at Steve after Peggy left. Uhm yeah fuck.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "Peace"

"That is UTTER BULLSHIT" "You're a terrible shrink"

yeah ugly crying to ugly laughing speedrun for me

"You're free" "To do what?" jesus. That entire scene. #3 and #4 and #5 cries for moi.

Ugh that Brooklyn shot. Someone needs to do a gifset compairing it to the one in CATFA asap.

"It's like Monique but it's got a "U" in there for uniqueness" "That's absurd" LMAO

"You can't keep fighting with your neighbors" uHM * redacted redacted i'm shifting into 1940s mode abort abort *

"Nobody passed 90" "So young. Such a shame" FGADHGA

🥺🥺 yes flex those flirting skills good for you

"It's a dance to this things. You can't… you gotta warm up and I haven't danced since 1943. Feels like." #6 cry I completely broke down into tears with that.

This Yori storyline is going to punch me in the face with a metal fist. Great!

The TWS theme when he looks at Yori fuuuuuck.

GREAT LET'S GO TO LOUISIANA THAT WAS GETTING HEAVY.

Those shots of Sam in the car. Immaculate. Showstoping. Yes.

Marvel, what if instead of promoting the military industrial complex you put a lot of publicity about cars?

"Uncle Sam!" LMAO subtle.

Everyone trying to have the wings lmao same.

I've only had Sarah for a day but etc. Brooklyn 99 meme

Good mirroring about Steve and Sam family's legacy. Good shit. Goooood shit.

Sam is trying so hard ouch my heart. I can't imagine how painful the scene with them reuniting must have been. He 100% still feels a lot of guilt about being gone for those 5 years (and even longer before that).

"Maybe it is time for us to move on" uuuuuuuuuuh

"To the rescue" "Always" 🥺🥺 i love them so much already

That shot outside the restaurant is so beautiful. Can't wait to see the night scenes in Madripoor tbh.

"I tried the whole online dating thing. It's pretty crazy". Uhm well that is something that Bucky Barnes has now said. In canon. Damn.

"It's a lot" "You sound like my dad" LMAO

Every Bucky fanfic trope speedrun with this scene

"Wow you really can drink" OH you have no idea

Just realized we don't even know her name, well.

"You have any siblings?" "I have a sister" THE WAY I SCREECHED. We're definitely getting Becca

Well that escalated quickly. The important thing is to try?

I can't deal with this BUCKY SWEETIE #8 cry right there fuck

The wardrobe department is KILLING IT, there's such a difference between the outfits of the shows vs how ugly and generic it usually is.

"ThEre is NO such thiNg as on time. You're either EARLY or LATE . picK One" lmao the way he delivered that line

At first I thought the flag smashers had thrown two cars out of a window LMAO

"I don't know how jurisdiction works here, but I'mma have to place you under arrest" uhm yikes. The way they changed Joaquín Torres backstory to just random army nice guy #1 is not sitting well with me, what can I say.

Sam's wings motions I LOVE HIM YOUR HONOR

Fuuuuck this guy.

"Funny how thing's always thighten around us" "Look, I'm on your side. After all, he's a hero". This script is C R I S P as hell, great fucking job.

"I don't care, I'm not gonna quit" "What are you trying to prove? And who you trying to prove it to" SHIT HSIT SHIT!!! UGH amazing. Look it's not necessary to say the show's questions out loud but how they flow between the conversations is still very satisfactory without feeling in your face about it. Inner conflicts have been set up fucking perfectly everyone * claps *

Ugh here we fucking go.  I knew this was how the episode was going to end but my stomach still dropped like a rollercoster. God.

The score is on point. Damn. Damn.

God, Sam.🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

The captain america franchise's visuals in the credits are always so amazing.

Also, does anybody know why Mackie isn't first in the billing?  Uhm what's that about?

ANYWAY CONCLUSION THAT EPISODE WAS SO FUCKING GOOD LIKE HOLY SHIT. I love them so much. The balance between the personal conflicts and the political aspect (although the military aspect is still very much yikes) was on point and it was overall a joy to watch.

[hiyaluronic]

Unnamed Sentinel/Guide Au (partial draft)

Nile eyed Nicky’s plate with envy, her nose twitching at the pleasant aroma of garlic and the slightly nutty, pungent smell of cumin and turmeric; the spicy aromatics filling the small dining room and causing her stomach to grumble excitedly. She turned from Nicky’s plate to stare down at her own in dismay. The grilled chicken breast, steamed broccoli, and rich buttery baked potato were doing nothing to satiate her cranky stomach.

“Why does Nicky get the good stuff?” She hadn’t meant to sound childish but Joe’s home cooked chicken curry looked a thousand times more appetizing than the standard restaurant-style meal situated on her plate.

Joe grinned and winked at Nicky who in turn rolled his eyes in response, “Because he’s being punished.” 

Nile sighed and poked halfheartedly at her chicken, “Then can I be punished too?”

Andy snorted into her wine glass, pulling the stemmed glass away and clearing her throat against the burn of alcohol. “Trust me, you don’t.”

“If you say so.” Nile murmured and reluctantly cut into her chicken. She took a few bites, her gaze lingering on Nicky’s plate which sat untouched, wondering how exactly homemade food was a punishment. 

“C’mon, Nicolò,” Joe prodded, forgetting his own meal and using his fork to spear a piece of sauce drenched chicken from Nicky’s plate. “I promise it will not be as bad as Baton Rouge.”

Nile perked up, curious. “What happened in Baton Rouge?” 

Andy smiled deviously and leaned over to Nile. “Booker’s attempt at cerole cooking. His Jambalaya is still pending a patent as a lethal weapon. Joe and I ended up with food poisoning, Nicky on the other hand....”

Nicky swallowed, eyeing the innocent piece of poultry dangling from Joe’s fork with trepidation, eyes following the curry sauce as it slowly dripped onto the tablecloth. “I ended up zoning because the idiota, mixed up chile peppers with bhut jolokia.”

Nile scrunched her face. “Bahht Zo-lu-key-ya?” 

“Ghost peppers.” Andy simplified, leaning back into the kitchen chair and crossing her arms, watching Joe shake the chicken enticingly in front of Nicky with mild amusement.

Nile cringed and swallowed, her mouth watering at the imagined heat of said pepper. “Shit.” 

“Indeed.” Nicky replied with a sigh before leaning forward and letting his mouth wrap enticingly around Joe’s fork - the pink of his lips covering the silver of the utensil suggestively - before ever so slowly pulling back, smirking when he noticed Joe’s eyes narrow at his actions. Nicky closed his eyes and let the juices from the chicken settle on his tongue; the sweetness of clove and cinnamon dancing across his tongue and running as a current under the powerful flavor of turmeric, bay leaves, and cumin. He sucked the sauce and juice from the chicken, tilting his head back and moaning in pleasure when the slight underlying warmth of garlic and mustard seed tickled his taste buds.

He mentally smirked when he felt Joe kick his shin under the table, a quiet behave drifting from his husband's lips, the heady scent of musk saturating the air between them and sending a jolt of excitement through Nicky. He could hear Nile coughing awkwardly across the table; a deep bass to the quiet trill of Andy’s accompanying  laughter. Why should he be the only one to be punished? 

He felt the air shift and change before he heard Joe sigh. “Come on, Nico. You know how this goes, what’s the secret ingredient?”

Nicky frowned at the question and chewed the chicken, unsure. He could taste something off. Taste something out of place underneath the normal spices, something sharp and bitter  - almost medicinal.

“I’m assuming it’s not love?” Nile said to Andy, who snickered.

Nicky swallowed and blinked open his eyes, turning to Joe, “Clove, cinnamon, turmeric, bay leaf, cumin. Just a hint of garlic and mustard... and...”

Joe ticked off the ingredients with his finger, “And…?”

Nicky licked his lips and tried to focus on the odd taste, he knew it, he just couldn’t place the where and what, and most notably the name. He hated having to sort through Joe’s cooking because there were so many different flavors in the world and it was sometimes very hard to distinguish between herbs and spices; and, while he loved his husband, Joe liked to make it as hard as possible. The reasoning? Because it eased his husband's mind knowing that he could detect even the subtlest of flavors - which he would agree. Being able to detect the minute differences in flavors between herbs and poisons had saved them many unneeded deaths over the various decades.

But, still…

“It tastes like soap.”

“Seriously, Joe!” Nile admonished, eyes wide in concern. “You put soap in his food?”

“It’s not soap!” Joe was quick to reply, just a little offended at the accusation. “I would never do such a thing!”

“Uggh.” Nicky shivered in disgust when it finally clicked what the offending flavor was, “Cilantro!”

“Very good, Nico!” Joe leaned forward and kissed his husband happily. “And now what sense shall we work on next, hmmm?”

Nicky laughed softly with a shake of his head, “Joe, it was only one zone with a great many number of years between my last one. I promise I do not need-”

“It is not about what you need, you have become lax in these last few decades, hayati, you’re starting to rely too heavily on the technology of today. And it worries me.” Joe explained, running a hand through his beard and scratching at the skin underneath. “You were very lucky that Nile had been there to keep an eye on you until Andy and I arrived but what would have happened if Nile had been indisposed of? You would have been left vulnerable and that’s just not acceptable.”

“Cuore Mio.” Nicky murmured, his hand reaching over to grasp Joe’s tightly in his absently running his thumb over Joe’s knuckles.. He didn’t need heightened senses to know that his love was feeling anxious but the sulfuric reek permeating the air around Joe just confirmed it. 

Andy nodded, seeming to agree with the idea. “Joe’s right, Nicky. We have to be able to trust that on a mission you won’t conk out on us. A refresher might do some good and it’ll help Nile know what to do when Joe is unavailable to pull you back.”

Nile held her hand up and cleared her throat, drawing the attention of the small group. “Speaking of. I was promised an explanation?”

“That you were, Nile.” Nicky agreed, squeezing Joe’s hand with a gentle smile. “There is sadly not much to tell.”

“Oh, hell no. You don’t get to reveal Nicky is a superhero-” Not a superhero, Nile “and then not tell me how that happened.”

Joe and Nicky shared a look, Joe raised his shoulder slightly in question to which Nicky tilted his head, his gaze flicking towards Nile before returning to Joe with a small nod.

Joe sighed and pulled his hand free from Nicky’s, settling back against his chair, and focusing his sight on the darkened splotches of curry staining the tablecloth. “It was many, many months after we had grown tired of constant death and had laid down our arms against one another. At the time we thought our situation was part of our immortality, it wasn’t until we met Andromache and Quynh that we understood otherwise.” 

Nicky smiled fondly, remembering the circumstances that had surrounded their meeting of their sisters in arms. It had been a sweltering summer, the air so thick that even the simple act of breathing would leave a person exhausted and uncomfortably drenched. Time had worn away at a lot of his memories but the vibrant scent of the briny waters lapping at the sands along the coast, the salty air pushed inland by the balmy waves of the Mediterannean that ate away at wood and stone alike and the overbearing smell of seagrasses that would drift upward when low tide would hit and carrying the faint tinge of dead sea life along with it were still vivid in his memory.

But what he remembered the most about that first meeting - what still haunted him and fueled his nightmares almost a millennium later - was the utter terror of not being able to hear Joe’s heartbeat between one moment and the next. His breath still faltered when he thought back to the utter panic that had grabbed hold and burrowed deep into his chest at the mere thought of losing the one person who could make him feel human.

“Andromache and Quynh absconded with Joe before we had the chance to be formally introduced.”

Nile balked at Nicky’s words but at the minute twitch to the corners of his mouth and the way she noticed his eyes darken just a tad, not quite in anger but in an almost accusatory way, had her turning to Andy flabbergasted, “You what!?

“In all fairness,” Andy started, her hands raised in supplication, “it was just to test a theory. We’d trailed the two of them for days, trying to get a read on what kind of buffoons they were outside of the dreams.”

“We were not buffoons.” Joe huffed, affronted, eyes ticking to Nicky looking for agreement.

Andy quirked an eyebrow, “You literally killed each other dozens of times over the span of 6 months. Quynh and I had even started making bets on it. So, hence, bah-foons.”

“We were-” Joe trailed off, looking to Nicky for the right way to answer without confirming Andy’s rather accurate description.

Nicky turned from Joe’s gaze to Andy’s with a frown, “-working through some things.” 

“Sure, language barrier, sectarianism, genocide…” Andy said, ticking each item off with the raise of one of her fingers.

“Getting off topic here, guys. I’m assuming there’s more to the story then Andy and Quynh running off with Joe in tow?” 

With a sigh, Andy looked towards Nile. “There were… are stories. Legends really, about persons with the capability to  perceive the world around them on a level unseen by us mere humans.”

“Sounds amazing.” Nile said.

“One would think until you realize nothing can be such without its own hindrances.” Nicky explained with a wince, “What Andy and Quynh were testing was to see if Joe and I had bonded as guide and sentinel.”

“Bonded?”

“A sentinel’s abilities are latent, most that have this ability will never know because a sentinel is born through harsh conditions and need.” Andy explained at Nile’s question. “But if there is no guide, no way for a sentinel to maintain a baseline, the world becomes an enemy to them and they either zone or turn feral.”

“Feral? Like...turn rabid?” 

Nicky nodded at Nile, “An abhorred definition but yes. We have only ever seen a feral sentinel once and it ended with him falling to my blade.” 

“Okay.” Nile pursed her lips trying to gather her thoughts, “Okay so Andy and Quynh took Joe to make sure you were bonded and not feral?”

“You have to understand Nile, we saw them kill each other for months. With so much senseless violence Quynh and I had to make sure that the world hadn’t bred a broken and untamed immortal.”

[kinetic-elaboration]

September 17: 3x07 Day of the Dove

I am incredibly discombobulated today—usual weekend nocturnal shenanigans I guess! Anyway it’s somehow midnight. Gonna try to write up these note on the Classic episode The Day of the Dove in as efficient a manner as possible.

Hmm, a planet with wavy pink Fraggle plants. I like it already.

But where is Spock? Very suspicious.

I really appreciate Kirk giving a little speech to set up the overall question/issue for us. (I know he does this all the time with the Captain’s logs but this is out loud and so… more obviously expository.)

Oh no, it’s our old friends…the Klingons.

I will admit that this ONE TIME, the Klingon is being reasonable. Like, it is reasonable to think that Kirk and the Enterprise attacked his ship, given that his hip WAS attacked, and who else would it be?

Three years of peace between the Klingons and the Federation? That is inclusive of the show so all this tension must technically be “peace” and also implies there was something more like a direct war going on, like, right before Kirk got the captaincy.

Zoolander voice: What is this, a colony of the INVISIBLE?

“We have no devil. But we understand the habits of yours.”

No takers? No takers on the torture? No volunteers to be mercilessly tortured by the Klingons?

Star Trek Beyond could have had Kirk and Chekov bond over being brothers! I mean, to other people.

They’ll kill 100 hostages at the first sign of treachery. He does know there are only 400-some people on the ship right? Maybe you should pace yourself, Kang.

Kirk’s so badass he needs MULTIPLE guns trained on him just to use the phone.

Oh-ho secret message to Spock. Which version of the iPhone will be capable of doing THAT?

The Klingons are “suspended in transit” is an awfully nice way of saying they’re just dematerialized atoms in space. Philosophy major and/or Bones nightmare fuel.

How did Kang not see this coming, by the way? Like, he just says “I’m taking your ship now, me and my 6 men versus your 400-some men, and I’ll do this by simply declaring it to be so. Now let’s beam up to your ship, where I’ll be greatly outnumbered, and there are armed security guards all around me.” Guess he’s been reading The Secret!

WIFE AND SCIENCE OFFICER

Aka the most important part of this whole episode.

Kirk’s face is very ?????? You can have both????

It’s legitimately not even important for her to be the science officer tbqh. Like that is so gratuitous. That’s just in there to drive me insane.

"We're prisoners, somehow, after I demanded to come on the ship, assuming they'd just give it to me without any kind of fight. How DID this happen?”

Federation death camps lol—someone’s been watching Fox News.

I do kind of wonder… is this an actual rumor that goes around the Klingon homeworld or is it something that the alien entity put in her head specifically to make her angrier right now? I mean it really could be either.

I also appreciate this episode for being pretty much the only one to actually attempt to give the Klingons a reason for being as they are. The Romulans… maybe aren’t well-described, but they do have a sort of regalness to them, appropriate for being related to Vulcans, and you can kind of imagine that they are the way they are because they’re Vulcans without the intense self-control. Plus they’re literally only in 2 TOS eps and in the second, the Federation are the aggressors. But the Klingons show up a half-dozen times only to be depicted each time as just like Cartoonishly Bad, aggressive, violent, and selfish for basically no reason. And I mean, some people really are!! But TOS has so much nuance in other places, that it always seemed a little disappointing to me that the Klingons are really just like ‘well we’re just bad and we hate everyone and we really like killing I guess.” At least in this ep there’s a little more added to that: that there is poverty on their world, that they feel aggrieved, that they feel unprotected, that taking and conquering is how they look after themselves…

I think that’s later in the episode though.

He’s detaining them in the LOUNGE lol. With their favorite dishes available to them to eat. Absolutely barbarous conditions.

I can’t believe Chekov is hanging in the elevator with the cool kids. Like, one of these things really isn’t like the others.

Kang is officially sure of himself for someone currently imprisoned in the lounge, that most fearsome of Federation death camps.

Hmm, could the glittery light alien have taken over??

You know what, that's a lot of tasks for Johnson to do all by himself: search the whole ship, fix the engines, and free 400 people.

Sulu would love this: everyone gets a sword!!

“Bridge. I gotta show this to Sulu immediately.”

Klingons have maintained a dueling tradition. That’s interesting. Finally some characterization going on.

Spock is really living up to his logical nature today. Everyone else has gone off the emotional deep end and he’s like “have you considered this completely rational explanation that accounts for the actual, observed facts??”

Whoops Chekov is actually an only child. Scratch that previous Beyond headcanon. (Interesting that his dead brother does really resemble Sam though—killed on a research colony??)

Love that Sulu knows that about him though.

Oh, that’s a pretty schematic picture of the Enterprise. I want that on a t-shirt.

Lol the pan out to the armory, now filled with… swords!!

Do ALL of these men have a fetish for swords? Sulu and fencing, Spock displaying swords in his quarters, and Kirk in his San Francisco apartment, and Scotty salivating over this Scottish blade.

“Klingon units.”

Finally Sulu gets his sword! It’s what he deserves.

Love that the shiny light alien also has a fetish for swords.

Oh no, it’s our old adversary, an alien life force.

What is the alien’s purpose? Um, I’m pretty sure its purpose is to start shit.

“An appropriate choice of terms, Captain.” I don’t even remember what this is referring to but I think it’s pretty clear that Spock is enjoying himself during a crisis again.

Bones, being so dramatic. Were there atrocities? He’s talking about the Klingons as if they were literally hacking off limbs—it’s a few stab wounds here and there, chill.

Oooh, time to behave like military men—strong words. (But I thought it wasn’t the military?? @ S**** P****) (This might not even be my best argument, given the context of this episode, but I’m sticking with it.)

This is like a giant game of capture the flag.

AU that’s just about the Enterprise crew playing capture the flag with the Klingons.

Sulu in the background standing guard with his sword

Damn, turning on Spock with the slurs now!!

Spock was absolutely ready to kill him. Like he would 100% have taken him out with a blow to the head. And he’d been doing such a good job of not feeling the alien’s effects so far! Admittedly, that was a strong provocation though.

Honestly, I really like this scene. It’s uncomfortable and tense and you can really see how the alien is bringing out the worst possible influences of their respective races. And I liked how Spock was definitely full on pre-Reform Vulcan for a minute there. It was a more effective portrayal of what that might have looked like than All Our Yesterdays tbqh.

A result of… stress?

Kirk got himself out of it first. He’s so strong. He knows himself so well, he cannot be outsmarted by any alien.

“We’ve been taught to think in terms other than war.”

“The alien brings out the worst of us—patriotic drumbeating…even race hatred.”

He’s so sad; he can’t imagine thinking like that about Spock :(

Sulu in a Jeffries tube! A man of many talents. It’s okay bb, take credit for turning on the lights.

The alien must have been getting bored. The Klingons must have been doing too well, and the playing field needs to be leveled for maximum shit-stirring.

“Let’s find that alien.” That’s how I ALWAYS feel.

Oh, Kang, you’re so close—“What power supports our battle but thwarts our victory.” So, so close to getting it.

ALIEN DETECTED.

Spock takes his sword, of course.

“Jim.” Obligatory Jim moments hit differently when they’re not so obligatory.

“Jim—stop hitting my protégé. And put that sword down.”

Kirk looks so sad, picking Chekov up to carry him bridal style.

Also in addition to ‘race hatred’ I think we need to add ‘rape-y tendances’ to the bad stuff that the alien is inspiring here.

“A brief surge of racial bigotry. Most distasteful.” Spock winning for understatement of the year.

They're assuming the alien is trying to test out their relative powers but I think it just wants entertainment. I mean, doesn’t it look like a naughty little thing?

Mara’s outfit is… little shorts? Interesting. Usually not my style but she makes it work.

Spock doesn’t even look at Johnson as he falls lol. Another one bites the dust.

“It exists on the hate of others.”

What does this remind me of? Oh, the Vast of Night and the whole “aliens made us do every bad thing ever” conspiracy theory. At least this one makes more sense, in part because it is not quite so overwhelmingly broad!

All hostile attitudes must be eliminated, he says, and there's Mara right behind Kirk giving him a death stare lol.

Kang is so obviously posing. Google Earth, always taking pictures.

Only a few minutes before drifting forever in space becomes inevitable? Good thing Kirk works well under pressure.

“Well… do whatever you can, Scotty. You know the drill.” Doesn’t even bother giving real directions anymore. We’ve been in this scenario before.

“So we drift in space, with only hatred and bloodshed aboard.”

And the 392 people below just get to…live in Enterprise prison, I guess.

Star date: Armageddon. So dramatic!

I’m not even making that up; that’s an actual quote. Can you imagine being an Admiral listening to this?

“Stop the war now.” An actual line, really aired on television.

Spock wants to threaten the wife lol. That's the old pre-Reform Vulcan seeping through. Surak who?

Damn, Kang is cold. “Eh, she gets the concept of being killed in battle.” They’re gonna need marriage counseling after this.

“There is another way. Mutual trust and help.” Yes that’s my hero!!

“No one can guarantee the actions of another.” Can’t remember the context of this entirely anymore, but great line.

The entity is loving this—multi-person choreographed sword fight!!

"Those who hate and fight must stop themselves. otherwise it is not stopped.” Another baller line. Spock has a lot of deep thoughts today. And so does Kirk. And Kang.

Kirk tries to reason with the alien. Nice try.

“Shoo. Shoo, alien. Off the ship, go away.”

Omg that last moment—Kang slapping Kirk’s back way too hard, Spock’s completely ridiculous wide-eyed expression when he does, like some sort of combo of amusement and confusion, and then Sulu just passing on by in the background….

Then the alien just yeets itself into space. And that’s the end!

Always feels weird when there’s no wrap up on the bridge.

Also, what are they going to do with the Klingons? They have no ship. They really did come out of this a lot worse than Kirk and co. No ship, huge casualties—and no one to blame even, but the alien.

I feel like the alien messed up a little in killing so many Klingons. Like, it could have accomplished its purpose, angering the Klingons and turning them on Kirk, by attacking the ship a little less violently—you know they’d react to 5 deaths pretty much the same as 400, and then there would be many more people to fight forever and produce that sweet sweet anger!

Maybe the alien’s powers aren’t strong enough to influence 800 people though. Also it wants equal forces and 800 people wouldn’t fit on the Enterprise, one assumes. So it still makes sense.

That was, of course, an excellent episode. 100% agree with is classic status, even though the main things I remembered going in were the wife + science officer bit, and everyone laughing at the end in a really forced, fake way, in order to make the alien go away.

I thought the Klingons were a lot better/more interesting today than usual. First, I think Kang is a better character, or a better actor maybe, than the others; he has a certain way about him that is… more watchable, more sympathetic. And he’s always saying these really dramatic things that make it seem likely he writes patriotic Klingon war poetry in his off time. Also, including his wife made them seem more… not human obviously, but normal. Not just cardboard cut-out villains. And of course the actual lightly specific motivations I earlier mentioned helped too.

Also, the plotting was very good: it built up slowly but surely over time, so at first the alien’s influence wasn’t that obvious, and then it became more so, and then it became horrifically obvious and extreme. And then you had to re-evaluate earlier moments: was that the alien changing facts in their heads, or a real part of the animosity between humans and Klingons? And it wasn’t always clear, which I appreciated. The tension when the people were at their worst wasn’t overdone, like in that moment with Scotty, Spock, and Kirk—or even in Chekov’s assault on Mara, tbh. The various strategies of the different sides were very entertaining too; there was never a dull moment, and they fit in a lot of straight-up actions and twists into 50 minutes.

The possible threat was truly terrifying, also: stuck in a space ship, forever, unable to die, feeling the worst possible emotions all the time, besieged, angered, despairing, fighting a war that can’t be won, being injured and suffering only to recover and fight again, and it never stops… A perfect nightmare mixture of insanity and violence and pain. And the alien, in encouraging hatred and anger, doesn’t discriminate between sides: they turn on each other just as much as on the Klingons, breeding paranoia and infighting. For eternity.

The episode also felt much more strongly anti-war than I remember tbh. Like it was not subtle. Kirk literally says “stop the war” in so many words. He has a part in his speech where he talks about the possibility of other aliens out there, encouraging other wars. And while I do think “maybe the aliens are making us do it” is a cop out explanation, or would be if it were real, the scenario gave the show a lot of room to say, like, pretty ballsy things: to include “patriotic drum beating” along with “race hatred” in a list of corrupting feelings they were experiencing; to show how the same instincts that lead to warring also lead to sexual assault and the aforementioned ‘race hatred;” to reveal the true horror of an endless war by making the participants unkillable and sticking them in a singular space ship in the middle of nowhere; to imply that the combatants of war gain nothing from it, but outside or third-party entities will pull strings of their own design to profit from the conflict as long as possible; even to make an impassioned plea to camera to stop the endlessness of the conflict. Like I can’t even totally unpack this but it is a lot!

Finally, it was also a great Kirk episode, which of course is my most important factor. He’s smart; he’s strong; he’s so sure of himself and his values that he cannot be manipulated to mindless hatred, he represents the values of the Federation, and the show itself; he treats even his enemies with basic respect and humanity; and ultimately, he saves the day.

Okay I was not efficient in writing this up at all! It is very late!!

[pennylogue]

thoughts on “in dreams”

steven really went and made a self insert i can not beLIEVE

“alright, now that i’ve saved the universe, I CAN FINALLY PARTY!!!”--the delivery on that line oh my god i’m cackling.

hmmm so in that opening scene we have lars and the off colors, the gems, onion, and connie. i’m trying to decide if there’s kind of a common theme between. it could be that here’s most of the people he went through space with, i.e. some of his most stressful experiences, or maybe the characters he’s currently most worried about being left behind by

but onion

the gems and connie are there because he feels disconnected to them, lars and the off colors cause they’re leaving, and onion because onion is a mystery. that’s it that’s my final offer.

i really love how the dreams are portrayed throughout this episode? it’s a really nice mix of weird, with just enough creepy and symbolism thrown in to sort of get what they’re going for. the cookie cat clock temple was an inspired touch. i also love that while all the fanfic writers were right about the boy having nightmares, i don’t think anyone really foresaw how trippy they’d be!

“steven, no one needs your help, so why are you still here?” interesting how that question is posed by something that LOOMS. good visual

peridot ep my soul is soothed it’s been so long and these two are so cute together.

and "steven and peridot make a filk fix it”? i’m so amused. tho tbh i’m surprised that steven’s so okay with peridot seeing his dreams, lots of real personal stuff in there. i guess he could be partially relying on peridot not really getting how dreams work for humans, as well as her not being super great at reading people to begin with. (one oblivious gremlin, this is.) but ultimately i guess he was just desperate enough to hang out that he’d take any excuse, without really caring about the consequence--you can see that.

look on the look on his face when he said peridot. he really needed this. he really can’t be alone right now. like, steven is soooo excited to problem solve together with someone, it sorta hurts

do we even need to examine stefan. this is fandom. we all know how wish fulfillment works here. i’m more amused by how peridot immediately clocks what’s going on--maybe she’s a bit more aware than i’d thought

the things that bother steven are, quite literally, stopping him from helping others. but notice that these “others” are characters, and it’s problem without stakes, one that he caused to help solve the inter-personal conflicts of non-existant characters. up to his old tricks--but it all rings hollow, because it is. the only thing real in those dreams are steven and his memories, and that’s what they should be trying to fix.

aka steven’s self projecting into media to deal with real-life issues, so yes, we’re all fucking hypocrites.

dream symbolism--his childhood institutions are leaving him, the gems are leaving him, he’s still just a helpless infant who can’t do anything

and since steven’s subconscious has decided that these characters are real people, he’s treating them how he treats real people--he does whatever it takes to solve their problems, and wants to avoid hurting them

but that wonderfully subtle moment of her reaching for the door (paralleling the door in his first dream yo, but inverted--out there is the party, here it’s just him if she leaves)

in case you’re wondering, this is what steven looks like when he’s about to do something "selfish”--knowingly hurting “others” for his “own” sake. overlapping him with the other characters, he reminds me kinda of early pearl, who also had a lot of issues connecting with others. and also this entire conflict is weirdly reminiscent of cry for help. he’s willing to keep working on the problem, no matter what, just to spend a little more time with peridot.

that’s why i think it’s connie/obsidian attacking him--he’s guilty over what he’s doing, so he’s having two people he sees as forces for justice wrecking him. that plus more fuel for connverse. good on you, shippers

the entire next scene is so creepy and gorgeous but can i just talk about

look at her gem. dude i was so worried that he’d somehow possessed her through the tv, and the next scene was him going into her mind. compared to that, this is a lot better. steven’s continuing to manage to open up a bit. 

steven’s speech about “always having something to fix” is interesting, because it gives a certain perspective to his behavior. literally all of their significant interactions after “hit the diamond”, the end of the show’s heavy focus on peridot, involve steven approaching their interaction with the goal of dealing with a gem problem, a diamond problem, or helping her work through lapis. even “too short to ride”? well, that was still part of the project of fixing peridot. because the show often has a laid back tone, i think it’s easy for the viewer to see steven and peridot doing things together as them just hanging out, but steven, the person who’s approaching every episode’s conflict as someone’s problem he needs to fix, doesn’t see it like that. and spending two years fixing the galaxy didn’t help that mindset. 

aka this show literally goes “what if someone was the main character of an episodic series, how fucked up would that be?” i’m literally screaming.

i think this is the first time we’ve really seen peridot be there emotionally for steven. it’s a pretty standout scene for her character--calling herself a clod, crying, hugging, being sensitive to what steven needs, removing her VISOR, lord--it’s really a great culmination of her character arc, as well as hopefully a lead in to the rest of the gems being emotionally there for the boy.

this was a really cute indulgent episode with some great visuals and i liked it lots.

[bunniechan]

Haha so I know no one cares about me or what I say here so I just wanna dump my feelings.

I had a nightmare? last night that just had me thinking about how little my ex did for me and how I just let him be like that. Yes, I don’t know or understand my self worth because I’m ✨broken✨but I promise I’m trying to fix that. But when I was in that dumb relationship I literally believed that that was the best I was going to get and that I should just accept how he treats me because asking him to change how he was and how he acted was rude of me.

So he never planned dates. When we went to get fast food I usually paid because Filipino instinct but also I was the only one working. Like talking about who paid was always uncomfortable. When we tried to do picnics, he would always turn down my request to get some hot food to eat with our sandwich stuff because “we don’t need it.” It was winter in Eastern Washington and I just wanted some hot mac and cheese (and yes we went outside for a winter picnic because we were dumb and it was the only private place we could hang out on a gender seperated Christian campus that locked its buildings on saturday because of the sabbath). It was always me asking to go out to do something and I would tell him to start getting ready and always, ALWAYS I would be stuck waiting for him to get ready. Sitting in the boys parking lot all dressed up can be really embarassing sometimes. And I was the only one driving in our relationship and he knew I hated driving. All my friends know I hate driving thats why they drive for me. But he never got his license or had the initiative to do so. So I always drove TO HIM and FOR HIM.

But the one thing that I tolerated too much and that probably left me more hurt than I realized was that he never paid attention to my love languages. My love languages are touch and gift giving and recieving. With the gift giving/recieving, it has to be spontaneous, unpromted, and its just a physical reminded that they are always on my mind. I gave soooo many gifts. Random video games so we can play together, food when he was working late, a stuffed frog he casually mentioned was his childhood favorite that he lost in a fire and more that were so special and sentimental and specific for him. I gifted a lot because that was how I showed love.

But he rarely gifted me things. The most meaningful thing he ever gave me was a brick for my brick collection. He even told me it was less than a dollar.

The absolute one thing I wanted from him over and over and over again was flowers. Random flowers, birthday flowers, even just a flower he picked from the ground. BUT HE NEVER DID IT WITHOUT ME BEGGING HIM FOR IT. THAT’S RIGHT, I HAD TO BEG FOR MY FLOWERS. And I can count the number of times it happened. He gave me roses once on my 19th birthday because I told him for two weeks that it would be really nice to get some roses on my birthday. The second time was when we had a big fight around christmas and I told him he had to get me flowers or I wouldn’t talk to him until christmas was over. That’s it, I got flowers twice. TWICE IN OUR 3 YEAR RELATIONSHIP.

Lets talk about the first one because I was begged him for two weeks to get me a nice bouquet of roses and thats all I wanted (no extra present or anything because I was already taking him along to spend a day in LA and yes I paid for our food that day). And the day of he tells me to come pick him up an hour later than I had set for because he was still looking for roses. He had two weeks to plan and prepare, maybe place an order at any of the florists in town, or even buy it the night or two before. But he waited till the morning of and he didn’t tell him mom till then either (who was driving him around) and low and behold, no grocery had a bouquet of roses prepped. He did eventually get me roses. Exactly 4 roses that they got from his mom’s friend’s yard with not enough of the thorns removed and imthey were tied together with this ugly brown wire ribbon. I’m sorry but I was disappointed.

I was even more disappinted when Valentines came about that year and I was planning a very sweet dinner for us. I told him so. I cooked all day between my classes (it was a tuesday) and was soooo freaked out about getting it to be perfect. I had a gift for him too. Of course I didn’t tell him a out the gift, it was a surprise. I had set up our dinner in a little nook on campus and texted him to come. He show up like 45 min late even though it was a 2 min walk from his dorm. Its not like dinner was a surprise I was texting him excitedly all day. But he was late and it was winter so the food got cold. And I was just hoping, wishing, that he was late because he was getting a gift or flowers for me. But that wasn’t it. He was just late. Thats it. And he had nothing for me.

To this day my only wish is to recieve unpromted flowers on Valentines day. In high school I was never with someone at the time, so I never got any. And after that first Valentines with him I never got my hopes up for the following holidays. So in the three years we were together I never, NEVER recieved flowers or a gift on Valentines day. And I never got flowers on my following birthdays either. I just want someone to gift me flowers.

The feeling of reciving a gift umptomted is just really important to me. Idk, it just tells me that there was this moment where something made the other think of me and thats why they got that gift for me. At least that’s what goes through my head when I get gifts for others. I gift to my friends all the fucking time. And their happiness when they open that shit fuels me. Special hand lotion for my bestie. A funky christmas tie for my bro-friend to match his dad. A Disney nurse bade clip so my cousin can stand out at her first clinical rotation. I put so much thought and care into the gift I get people because that shit makes me happy. But that goddamn ex never reciprocated that for me and that shit hurt. ESPECIALLY THE FLOWERS.

This is already getting long but it’s okay cause I know no one is reading my shit. But I’ll probably talk about my touch love language another time because THAT SHIT WAS NEGLECTED TOO. I’m really not okay lol but someday I hope I can trust someone again so maybe they can buy me flowers🥺

[onepunchmiss]

OPM s2e12 Live Blog

“The Wiping of the Disciple’s Butt”

The season finale. I’m nauseous. Lets begin. 

As always, I’m watching from the perspective of someone who has read the manga and webcomic. 

Right where we left off. Again I love the music. I’m just like, really calm right now actually. hhhhhhhhhhhokay. OOF oh god all the crunching sound effects oh no, this is already so weird watching Garou get his ass handed to him since he’s pretty much curb stomped every other hero in battle thus far, or at the VERY LEAST avoided taking so many hits. This. is so uncomfortable to watch. WOAH ????? THESE SHOTS WERE ONLY THERE FOR A SPLIT SECOND BUT??? HOLY SHIT???

GAROU’S HAIR OH MY GOD 

Oh god oh god Bang is relentless this hurts please stop guys GUYS PLZ  HAS NO ONE REALISED THAT NOT ONE HERO HAS DIED CMON PLZ IT HURTS calm down stop trying to kill him plsplspls OH

THIS 

IS WHY

WE STAN GAROU

HE SAYS FUCK DEATH HOW ABOUT I JUST GET STRONGER INSTEAD QUE EPIC THEME MUSIC

oh god damnit him legit running on all fours right there just looks goofy tho F “preposterous style” Bang you aint lying asdfghjkl really though OH MY GOD EVERYONE IS DRAWN SO BEAUTIFULLY THIS IS SO BLESSED 

WAIT 

NO OPENING THEME???????????????????? WHAT?????????????????????? WHY????????????????????????? ONE, I WANTED TO SEE THE CHIBI OF THE WEEK AND 2 

I WASNT PREPARED FOR MY FAVORITE DOPEY BIRD MAN THE FUCK PHOENIXMAN PLS NO ILY I know people hate him a lot but I just really dig how he feels like a fleshed out character compared to most other monsters, like he’s legit lookit him being all smart and stuff plz I just,,,,,,,,,,,, want to hug dumb fluffy birb ;-;

Woah again I’m being blown away by the animation??? Garou getting smacked around is really fluid and this just looks really cool in general?????

FUCK I CANT DO FLASHBACKS MAN JUST HEARING THE KID VOICE MAKED MY STOMACH LURCH OH NO 

OH NO I SCREAM OH NO I CANT OH NO GIMME 5 MINUTES PLEASE I CANNOT BBY NO I FORGOT ADULT GAROU IS IN THE FLASHBACK WATCHING THIS TIME PLS NO 

LIKE???????? I got kinda a comedic vibe watching him comment on it in the manga but the slow music and shit is just FUKKIN ME UP RIGHT NOW I HATE IT THANKS IT HURTS

oh god his face he has the seething thousand mile stare of quiet rage and its burning a hole STRAIGHT THROUGH MY ENTIRE BEING “But me I was the loner kid. Always gloomy and without friends” STOP. YOU STOP THAT RIGHT THIS INSTANT. IM CRYING AT U RIGHT NOW STOP

NO DONT HOLD HIM LET HIM GO S T O P OR SO HELP ME i can’t watch this what the fuck “I was always the loser” SHIT this legitimately hurts me “I dont want to be the monster anymore” GArou hey did you hear that part?? hEY GAROU DID YOU HEAR YOURSELF THERE??? 

WHAT DID I SAY WHAT THE F DID I JUST SAY STOP HOLDING HIM STOP STOPPIT  THE HELL MAN What if……….. I just go BACK IN TIME AND ADOPT BB GAROU CAN I DO THAT IS THIS POSSIBLE IS THIS ALLOWED ? ?? ?

oh my god it keeps getting worse. I mean. I already knew garou was being disproportionately reprimanded for what he supposedly did, but watching this scene just fucking kicked me in the teeth. As if my stomach wasn’t already in knots. The fuck . why does this hurt so much more watching than reading the frustration in seeping into me ffffff.

This looks really cool but, i can barely focus on that because im pretty much being exsanguinated on the floor over here by this whole sequence look at him crying. do it for me cause I sure as hell can’t 

“I want to strike a blow for the little guy”

Fukkin GETTEM GO GETTEM 

HOLY SHIT HIS VA IS GOING T F OFF 

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH LOOKIT HIM ILY SO MUCH SAVE THE DAY BIRB SAVE 

ASDFGHJKL THIS IS SO INTENSE EVERYONE IS SO INTENSE I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BUT HOLY SHIT FUCK IM SCREAMING GAROU IS SCREAMING BANG AND BOMB SCREAMING GENOS AND EVEN PHOENIXMAN EVEN THE MUSIC IS SCREAM WE ALL JUST SC R E M

OH MY GOD AND THE LITTLE HEAD NOT GENOS AND BANG GIVE EACHOTHER SAVING THE HEROES OH MY GOD OH FUCK AND THE WAY THEY ANIMATE BANG JUMPING AROUND IS DOPE AS HELL AND ALSO HOLY SHIT ELDER CENTIPEDE I MISSED THE UNSETTLING SMOOTH CG LIKE ANIMATION FOR THE CENTIPEDES EVERY CELL IN MY BODY IS JUST SCREAMING RN I AM OVERLOAD HELP 

Garou flailing in the air in Phoenixman’s grip is … really adorable oh my god. “It’s your fault for not finishing them” ooooooo that shut him up didn’t it oof. Also nice cameo by Tatsumaki there 

ASDFGHJKL THE MUSIC AGAIN I LOVE IT I LOVE THEM LOOK AT THEM OH MY GOD 

THIS IS SO BAD ASS

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS SO BADASS

Genos’s eye static, The brother’s fists swirling, THE FUKKIN CARAPACE SHATTERING 

THIS FIGHT IS SO WILD MY COMPUTER CANT EVEN TAKE IT. ITS GLITCHING AND FREEZING UP HOLY SHIT

oh god ok the face coming out of the face was pure nightmare fuel alright then

WAIT

I FORGOT GENOS IS A SELF SACRIFICING DUMBASS. NO IM NOT READY GENOS YOU DOOF LISTEN TO KUSENO LISTEN TO HIM 

oh no 

oh no

im crying oh no

this animation is beautiful first of all and the music like im just here this is where I’m at and I’m crying oh no 

He’s an angel. A literal angel. Look at that and tell me he doesn’t look like a fucking angel in the sky with the rays of light casting shadows around him. 

Genos you are too good and pure for this world but that DOESNT MEAN TRY TO GET YOURSELF KILLED 

Shit they really made it look like he was gonna self destruct there for a second which MADE HIS LAST STAND EVEN MORE INTENSE OH MY GOD SWEETHEART Y’all ever get into a show because you keep seeing one character that catches your interest, and you keep seeing them pop up on your dash or wherever until you finally decide ‘well fuckit, this is the asshole that’s gonna get me to finally watch the show’, cause you’re already invested in them anyway? Genos did that for me with OPM. If this fool didn’t exist Who knows how long it would’ve taken me to get to watching OPM, if ever. And shit like this is why I STILL love him. I usually move on to new faves 90% of the time but nope. Genos earned his spot and is keeping it. Look at this insane shit. My heart. Uhg

Enough gushing asdfghjkl ok but Genos, you just went INTO THE DAMNED THING’s STOMACH,,,,, and you’re SURPRISED that there’s STOMACH ACID?? But real talk. What the EVERLONG FUCK is that thing’s insides made out of? How did it NOT DIE. the FuCK

asdfghjkl Phoenixman’s chuckle???? I love 

Oh Bang no, this is wrenching my heart like I know that he doesn’t actually use his power but its built up so intensely like,,, would he be ok if he did??? and actually more concerningly since it even WAS brought up that he has some hidden true strength, will we EVER get to see that??? Oh Shit well when they word it as “All the power left to me in this life” then yeah, that seems pretty life or death ish???? THE FUCK 

Oh thank god comedic relief is here I feel like i’m about to have a heart attack my chest is so tight hhhhhh ok breathe WAIT THIS ISNT COMEDIC THIS IS BADASS AS HELL JEEZUS witht he flashbacks to the Saitama encounter and THIS LOOK

The Anime is really fucking with the audience huh??? Making it look like KIngs about to throw hands like???????????? OH SHIT AND THIS MUSIC IS DOPE AS HELL TOO IM JUST laughing I have so much excessive energy right now???

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHZAHAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASDFGHJKLJHGFDSWERTGYHUIUJHGFDFGHJKJHGFRE THE FUKKIN SONG THEY BROUGHT IT BACK THE ULTIMATE SONG I GOT THREE NOTES IN JUST THREE NOTES AND I KNOW IM SCREAMING I GOTTA GO RUN BRB 

IM STILL SCREAMING FADFJSAGFJDSLKAHVFSKLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OUR MAIN MAN THERE HE IS THERE HE IS IM GONNA THROW UP 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

OH MY FUCK THATS WHAT THE OPENING SEQUENCE EXPLOSION WAS FROM OH GOD OH FUCK BEAUTIFUL THIS IS BEAUTIFUL OH FUCK OH GOD 

The REPRISE oh no oh NO OH NO OH NO NO ITS NOT OVER im not ready its not I cant no no no i dont want to press play cause if I press play it will end soon no no no Oh my god and at the end there isnt gonna be a title card for the next episode because THERE IS NO NEXT EPISODE no non o nonononon on on on ono no no no 

NO 

HEY IVE BEEN RIPPED OFF. WHERES THE FACE WITH HIS HAIR BLOWN BACK??? ASDFJKL fine I cant even be mad everything else was tooo  ofdbghjfshkggfhsjgbfhjka

KING WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT REACTION ASDFGHJKL W H A T 

WAIT THEY ARE DOING THE OPENING THEME AT THE END NO I CANT HANDLE SEEING EVERYOONE NOW OF ALL TIMES GOD DAMNIT WHY ok yknow what. I knew it would be king. I dont know how but i did 

Wha

wh

fkin cliffhanger no please no 

I.. I’m kind of at a loss for words. I’m. That’s it, huh? It’s really over. It doesn’t FEEL over. There’s so much unfinished business. Well, the only way to really neatly wrap everything up as neatly as S1 did would have been to get ALL THE WAY through the Garou arc, which obviously wasn’t going to happen, but this is not a great spot to leave off if we’re going to endure another few years hiatus. My hope is that, with biweekley manga updates, we should wrap up the Monster Association/Garou stuff (assuming it doesn’t diverge from the web comic too much) some time next year, and I’m HOPING that s3 is already being planned accordingly along side manga publications. So MAYBE it will at least be announced around that time 2020. That’s my wishful thinking at least. I don’t think I can survive 3 years. anyway

You could really tell JC Staff poured their hearts and souls into these last 2 episodes. Absolutely gorgeous, paced well, so completely satisfying and making every second of s2 worth while. For me, at least. I’ve already seen people still complaining and I’m just sorry they didn’t have as much fun as I did. 

Seriously, thank each and every one of you guys. This has been a wild ride, I’ve barely had this blog a few weeks before season 2 started airing (and honestly just got into opm maybe a month before that?), so I owe a lot of the success on the blog to the anime I bet. This was the first series I’ve never tried live bogging, and I honestly can’t believe that they were as popular as they were? Especially since I never have any idea what I’m doing but yall listen to me ramble anyway?? Yall are crazy thank you so so so much. Now my tuesdays are gonna feel really empty… next week is gonna be weird as hell. Though I’m gonna get mad nostalgic good vibes rewatching this season in the future in no small part from sharing my experience with everyone who's stuck around. I can’t say see yall next week this time, but, see you next season whenever it may be for sure.

[yjfanvids]

My thoughts on Early Warning

Or: why I didn't like the ep. At all.

By now it should be no mystery to anyone that I didn't like the ep. And I'd think the reasons are obvious.

But nonetheless let me break this down and hopefully further explain why I didn't enjoy the ep.

Under a read more because of reasons. Including the length.

Chronicles of a Death Foretold

As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I summed up the episode with those words.

Because this episode effectively foreshadows Violet's death both figuratively [as a character] and literally [as a person].

Of course, I doubt they will actually kill Violet. Not because I don't think Grandon doesn't have the galls for it (see Wally's death, Jason, the multitudes of times they have already killed Violet). But because Jace isn't a reliable narrator. It could very well be that Violet has some key component in them or something and her ‘mentor’ is actually trying to find a way to extract it or something. That wouldn't bother me as much.

It's the implications and impact that these words have.

Because this seems to have turned Violet into a reckless "well I'm about to die so why not."

I'll get to The Scene, as I have dubbed it, later.

Cuba

So, let me start by saying that I felt that Klarion was terribly done. He seemed like a shadow of his former self.

The only reason that I can try to explain this inconsistency is that he has been in the mortal plane for too long, and it's dumbing him down.

Either that or Zatara as Nabu has put the fear of Fate in him. And made him into the exposition presenter.

Nonetheless, that hasn't stopped him from demonstrating how much the show has changed and how they aren't at all bogged down by any ratings restrictions with the appearance of the Flesh Monster. Not to mention the whole branding of a person on screen like that.

The Flesh Monster is a nightmare fuel. It has no purpose. It clearly only served as a plot point, because those kids have a greater purpose for the Light as we saw in Influence when the League discovered those kids, and being a cheap gimmick to 'entertain' Klarion seems like a dumb thing for him to do.

But all's well that ends well and all that jazz. They were turned back to themselves and are now headed to Taos.

But we still have to consider the fact that most of the people that have been in truly dire and gory situations have been POC. Which speaks to a larger issue about how this show is not handling diversity well.

Now, The Scene

Up until now, I could leave my misgivings and distaste of the ep to the side.

I mean, the plot was bleh, but I could find a way to explain it as something other than bad writing, or Grandon getting their index cards mixed up and no one had the heart to tell them they were shuffled.

But The Scene with Harper Squared [that's what I've dubbed their ship name], was just badly handled.

First of all we have Violet who has been disturbed by the news that they are dying. So they are in a sensitive spot. They decide to skip training in order to socialize and live their life to the fullest. Sure, I can buy into that.

Then we have Harper who decided to be the epitome of a Bad Teen complete with booze and a weapon.

I'm surprised they didn't shove drugs in there.

But let's stick with the booze and gun.

Harper is drinking merrily and offers the bottle to Violet.

Now, I don't know about you, but if they had advertised a Muslim character for months, and had them wear a hijab because it "feels right", to have them say "I'm not a Muslim" feels like a slap to the face.

I mean, it would have made a lot more sense if they had drank in order to deal with the trauma of their impeding death, while also acknowledging that they are Muslim and feels bad about denying their faith.

And then, the kiss.

I would've been happy with the kiss if it was under different circumstances. I can understand awkward teenagers no knowing how romance works and skirting around it. With like a cheek kiss for example.

But the kiss, combined with the awkward boyfriends line is just bad rep.

Why would Harper, who is in a relationship and doesn't seem to be having any pressing issues, feel the need to cheat and kiss Violet?

Not only does it build into that nasty stereotype that bi people are cheaters, but it also feels like a bad way to do it. In the middle of an afternoon of illicit activities.

Not to mention that, with the wide roster of characters they have, to shove the entirety of the LGBTQ acronym into one person just seems like a really cheap way to do representation.

Plus, this is opening the door for, if what Jace said truly does come to pass, for a typical Bury Your Gays scenario.

And then the stand-off.

First, I am curious about Violet's aim. I wonder if that is due to their powers and training, or something else.

Second, that part just hurt. You have a white cop in a not so busy city going in to a situation with her weapon drawn.

It's not like Harper was being held at gunpoint, it's not like Bethany stumbled into a hardcore militia.

She stumbled upon 2 teenagers who had been kissing two seconds ago. Because there's no way she didn't see it due to the timing.

And she drew her weapon and made her presence known with the weapon drawn.

That just screams racial prejudice. And while I would be ready to commend YJ for trying to hit at modern issues in America as it has been doing multiple times this season, I just feel that this one didn't work out as well as they had intended.

So, what am I am trying to get at?

The episode wouldn't have been as bad if it had been in parts. I can deal with some unsavory stuff here and there, but all at once? It screams cheap writing and trying to shove too many plots in at once. And knowing that Greg wrote this ep makes it feel even worse.

They had the opportunity to raise the stakes, make Klarion an unbeatable foe, and have Zatanna with the Outsiders create a truly international incident with the Justice League. As advertised in the synopsis.

Instead we had a dumbed down Klarion and a Flesh Monster. Plus the continuing of disservice towards POC.

They had the opportunity to actually develop the Harper Squared relationship, without the need for booze and a gun.

Instead, we got The Scene.

So yes, I disliked the ep.

But no, that doesn't mean I don't want s4, or that the show would have been better staying dead.

I love the show, and while it is hurting my opinions on the route the plot has taken and how they presented the characters, it doesn't mean I have given up on the show.

It just shows me that any show has the capacity to disappoint me.

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

Heartbreaker ~ Bellamy Blake (part 3)

A/n: So I don't know if you've noticed but each of these parts is one episode from the show. Cool, right?

Warnings: Um, death. murder. Emotions.

Word Count: 4390

MASTERLIST

The moaning. It was bad on its own. Jasper's groans had a way of burrowing into your bone marrow and making you feel his pain. On top of that, said moans were keeping everyone awake and between the irritability that was causing and the shouts of irritation through the night - threats, dark wishes, grumbled complaints, and some creative insults that made me shiver in my spot on the ground - I was just about losing it. Everyone was.

I didn't blame it on Jasper... but everyone else did.

And the nightmares. God, the nightmares. You could hear people whimpering and whining in their sleep- a whole different bad than Jasper.

There was no getting better from here. I was scared it was only going to get worse. To confirm it, Octavia came suddenly blazing in my tent, ready to murder. At first, I thought her razor eyes were for me but then she explained what had happened with Atom and that she suspected Bellamy. I knew what she needed. "I'll come with you."

That seemed to relax her a bit. She led me to the tent Bellamy was in, stomping in with purpose as I stayed back by the entrance. "What did you do to Atom?" she demanded.

Sighing silently, he stood, moving around the table to face her without a barrier. "I didn't do anything."

She scoffed. "Then why did he just blow me off?"

"Maybe he's not interested," Bellamy shot back.

I rolled my eyes, remembering the way he had looked at her before. Talked to her. Touched her. The way she described the Butterfly Field and their shared kiss. Bellamy was spewing straight bullshit. "You can't keep everyone away from me," Octavia pointed out. "Y/n would be gone too if you had your way!"

She motioned to me and I stood tall. Bellamy didn't even look at me. "Atom has to learn," he said instead. "You disobey me, you pat the price. He paid the price, we're good." I recoiled. Who WAS this? This wasn't the same Bellamy who asked his father every day if Octavia could come out when we were kids. The same guy who learned how to braid my hair when we were teenagers. The same guy who pulled me close at night and whispered jokes in my ear when I was upset. The same guy who hated the Ark because they repressed and hurt us- forcing us to give up living in exchange for surviving. I didn't know this Bellamy.

Octavia spat, "Now I'm paying the price." She paused, her head dipping slightly as she looked at him challengingly. "So next time you decide to take a power trip, leave me out of it."

Bellamy looked at his sister. "So I have to keep you out of my battles, but you can drag Y/n into yours?" All eyes turned to me and I froze in the doorway. There was something in his eyes. Something foreign and new- in a bad way. So much had changed over the last year and a half...

A tortured scream cut brought the camp and I gasped, knocked back into the present. My eyes met Octavia's a second before we were both running. Jasper. We raced into the room to see a bloody, messy scene and I croaked, trying to speak but not even knowing where to begin or what to say. When had I become so silent? "Stop it!" Octavia yelled for me. "You're killing him!"

"She's trying to save his life," Finn counteracted.

"She can't." I turned to see Bellamy, who apparently followed after us.

Wells stood. "Back off," he sighed.

"We didn't drag him through miles of woods just to let him die," Clarke snapped.

Bellamy wasn't giving it. "Kid's a goner." It was a simple statement and I stared at the back of his head, trying to see any trace of the Bellamy I knew what seemed a hundred lifetimes ago now. "If you can’t see that, you're deluded. He's making people crazy!"

Clarke looked up and her anger filled the room, fueling everyone who was behind her. Everyone else in the room except Bellamy. "Sorry if Jasper's an inconvenience to you, but this isn't the Ark. Every life matters." She looked at me and I smiled. That seemed to encourage her a bit.

"Take a look at him." Bellamy paused and my chest constricted. What the hell was his DEAL? "He's a lost cause." Silence. A long silence. I stepped forward.

Unable to take it anymore, I spat, "And you'd know, right?" Eyes turned to me again. Bellamy went to speak but I stood straight and the words seemed to die in his mouth. "You, with your, what? Your experience with sick people? Your classes you took? The people you've healed. Clarke actually has seen stuff like-" I motioned to Jasper. "Like that. Maybe not like that specifically, but she has more experience than you do. Stop running your mouth and making decisions about someone's life just because you fancy yourself the leader." Bellamy's jack tightened. "You're talking about killing him like you're building the wall. Like it's a mark you have to hit on your checklist. Holy fuck Bellamy listen to yourself!" I scoffed, shaking my head. "What if it was Octavia?"

Another long silence. Bell and I just looked at each other. I was open and vulnerable and genuinely hurt by the person he had become in this world that had made him something ugly. He was cold and impossible to read- different than the open book he used to be. He was never easy going or calm but he used to be hopeful. Where did his spark go? His gentleness? His mercy? His... love?

Clarke finally spoke and I looked over, my face twisted with angry pain. "Octavia, I've seen my mom fix people up before- I saw her do it for years." The two girls looked at each other and I saw how genuine Octavia's concern was. It softened me. "If I say there's hope, there's hope."

"This isn't about hope, it's about guts," Bellamy interjected. Suddenly I was cold again. Robotic. Turned off. Inhuman. Unfeeling. Except the world was crystal clear and bright and alive and I was painfully aware of it. It was me that was empty. Me that was saturated. A gray smudge on a neon red and yellow canvas. "You don't have the guts to make the hard choices- I do." Every few words was another inch the invisible blade sunk into my gut. "He's been like this for three days. If he's not better by tomorrow... I'll kill himself myself." He looked at me and then at Wells and then turned and left, heading to the ladder. "Octavia, let's go."

"I'm staying here." Bellamy took only a split second to consider her response, an almost-emotion nearly showing in his face. His eyes landed on me and he seemed to ask silently without wanting to or meaning to. I looked away. He left.

Monty glared after him. "Power hungry, self-serving jackass. He doesn't care about anyone but himself." Monty looked at Octavia who looked away. "No offense." She shook her head to dismiss it.

"Yeah. Bellamy is all that... But he also happens to be right." We all looked at Finn as a tension settled in the air that set us on edge and hurt every nerve ending in our bodies. Jasper was going to die. My comfort for Octavia, letting her know that of all the things Bellamy was struggling with and being a dick about, he still very much loved her... it died in my throat.

I was sick. I believed Clarke with every fiber in my being, but hearing Finn say it instead of Bellamy... it felt so real.

-

Earth sucks, can I just say that? Jasper's sitting her dying and then a yellow fog that was deadly and toxic- literally burning and poisonous. As if we didn't already have enough to deal with?

When Charlotte approached me, I was surprised. "Where's Clarke?"

I faced her, my expression softening. "She's gone. What do you need? I'm her friend."

The girl looked at me a second. "The- the boy. I can't- the screaming-"

Placing my hand on her shoulder to comfort her, I offered a weak smile. "Do you want to take a walk?" She nodded. I knew she was going to ask or suggest it and I had no right to stop her. Only memorize our path so we wouldn't get lost and bring a weapon or two so we wouldn't get killed. I stopped by the weapons tent to grab an ax for me and a dagger for her and we were off. At first, we were just walking and I thought it was meaningless. But then we ran into Bellamy and the other hunting party and Charlotte stepped on a stick and almost got an ax through her head. "Who are-" Bellamy began, jogging up. But then his eyes landed on me. "Y/n?"

"Jasper was b-bothering her," I explained, choking on the word I used to express her emotion. "We both needed a walk. Figured she'd do better with a guide. And a weapon."

Atom stepped up. I glared at him but he didn't see, too busy purposefully avoiding my eyes. "There are Grounders out here, it's too dangerous for a little girl."

"I'm not little," Charlotte insisted, glaring softly. I smiled down at her, proud. There was a pause and I looked up. To my surprise, Bellamy's eyes were trained on me. He blinked, panic crossing his face for a half a beat before he looked away- as if caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Okay then," he told Charlotte, smiling. He looked so familiar with that smile. It made me feel normal. Calm. Real. Just for a second, everything was okay. Then he was serious again. "Have you ever killed something before?" Charlotte shook her head and I tried not to feel sick about it. She was a kid, sure. But... we were all kids. And we all had to do our share. Who was I to decide what her share was? "Who knows, you might be good at it." I thought of Jasper right then and when I looked back at her, my heart grew sad. We were all kids. Just a bunch of kids. What did we do to deserve THIS?

The fog came soon after. After someone far closer to it collapsed, screaming and steaming as it searing into his skin, we knew it was time to run. I kept Charlotte head of me and Bellamy stayed ahead of her, trying to scout somewhere to hide before the fog caught up to us all. Atom was right behind me... until he wasn't. "There's a cave!" Bell told us.

Just as Atom hollered, "BELLAMY! BELLAMY! Y/N!"

I turned as the fog hit me straight on. Atom called my name again. And again. "Atom!" I called back.

"Y/n no!" A hand was on my shoulder and I was pulled back against my will. I was choking on clean air, skin already red and eyes watering. I hissed and gasped and then I was crying because GOD it hurt. Arms wrapped around me and I was pressed into a chest. Familiar and firm. Warm. "Hey, calm down. Breathe and calm down."

"He's dead," I squeaked.

"I know," Bellamy whispered back. He hugged me tighter but I wondered if he did it to comfort me or hold me back from running after Atom to my death. "There's nothing we can do about it. Cole further into the cave. Come on." And I did. I followed him. He guided me to where Charlotte was and I sat down. She scooted next to me. She didn't hug me or cuddle me like Octavia would have- like she had, many times, especially when we were younger- but she did touch my leg with hers, letting me know she was there. The second she did so Bellamy was stepping away from me, distancing himself as much as he could. He wouldn't look at me, his hands curled into such tight fists that his knuckles were white.

We didn't talk again for a long time.

In fact, it wasn't until Charlotte fell asleep and then began screaming that we talked again at all. I pulled her up, whispering her name, and Bellamy moved close, his concern for the young girl overriding his distaste for being close to me. "Charlotte, wake up," Bellamy coaxed.

The girl sat up and I ran my hand along the side of her face, pushing her hair away. Bellamy has fallen asleep but I hadn't even nodded off yet. Now we were all wide awake. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Bellamy looked at her as she leaned into my hand. "Does that happen often?" Charlotte sighed. "What are you scared of?" he asked, firm. It was the firmness he used to comfort me and ease Octavia though. Charlotte brought that soft side out of him that I knew so well. The softness that belonged to MY Bellamy. "You know what?" He spoke up again after she stayed silent, dragging an awkward quiet out for a few seconds. "It doesn't matter." She looked at him. So did I. "The only thing that matters is what you do about it."

"But..." she mumbled. "I'm asleep."

He shrugged. "Fears are fears. Slay your demons when you're awake, they won't be able to get you when you're asleep." It was a phrase he had told me often and I was shocked to hear it come from him again. This new Bellamy saying things that I had carried with me from a past I longed for.

"Yeah," Charlotte piped up, drawing my eyes back to her bad my mind out of its hole. "But, how?"

"You can't afford to be weak." I looked at him sharply. "Down here, weakness is death- Fear is death." A pause. "Let me see that night I gave you." She silently handed it over. I watched, unsure what to think of him and his tactics. "Now when you feel afraid, you hold tight to that knife, and you say, 'Screw you, I'm not afraid.'"

He gave it back to her and she looked at it, her tiny fingers holding tight to it. "Screw you," she echoed firmly. "I'm not afraid. I actually smiled. Charlotte repeated the phrase.

Bellamy pats her leg. "Slay your demons kid. Then you'll be able to sleep."

I placed my hand on her shoulder. "That's not the only way to go you know." She looked at me. "He's right about a lot of it. Forget your fear, don't let it control you. Face your demons, take them down. But... fear isn't weakness. No emotion is a weakness, if you know how to USE it. Take that fear and let it drive you. Let it become the weapon you use to stay alive. Don't shrink from it, don't hate it. 'The best way to get rid of an enemy is to make it your friend.' Read that in a book somewhere once." She smiled along with me. "Get some sleep okay?" She nodded. "If you need, you can lay with me."

For a second I thought she was going to turn me down. But then she didn't. "Yeah, I would like that."

She fell asleep pretty quickly and I admired her ability. I thought I was the only one awake before I heard Bellamy whisper, "I don't understand you." I stayed silent. "You betray us and get my sister locked up and then she acts like you saved her life? Keeps claiming I don't know the whole story. And you're just like I remember you, just... quieter. Tormented. I don't know. What the hell aren't you telling me Y/n?"

I looked over at him to see his eyes wide and his expression open and honest. My heart fell into my stomach. "What's the point?" I whispered. "You hate me. No amount of telling you anything is going to change that. In fact, it might send you for a loop and make things really complicated and honestly, you're dealing with enough right now. And I- I don't want to talk about that night. The night I left."

"You don't have to protect me from whatever you're trying to protect me from! I'm a big boy, I'm sure I can handle it," he scoffed at me.

My eyes bore into his. "But I can't." He paused. "Okay? I can't see- this is all so- there's too much! Clarke is my friend and it's easier if you hate me. Then I can hate you for wanting to kill Jasper and pretend you're wrong and it's just easier."

He looked away.

I don't know if either of us fell completely asleep but when morning came, I felt as if the half-awake daze I'd been in did more damage than pulling an all-nighter. He checked outside to see if it was safe and then when it deemed it to be, called me and Charlotte after him. We found his other friends. "Where did you go?" Bellamy asked the guy he was talking to. Jones, he said.

"We made it to a cave down there," Jones replied.

Bellamy nodded. "Where's Atom?" Jones shrugged. Charlotte's scream cut the exchange off. We'd all started to look around, began drifting in different directions. The second she screamed, Bellamy and I were taking off after her. We both froze at her side when we came up on Atom, messed up and gasping painfully as he barely held onto life. His skin was deep red, some spots almost brown- blistered raised little bumps all over his body. And his eyes... "Son of a bitch," Bellamy hissed under his breath. He pressed forward and I turned Charlotte away, burying her face in my side. "Atom?" Bellamy leaned close as Atom whispered something I was nowhere near close enough to hear.

Charlotte pulled away after calming down, moving to Bellamy's side. Her hand found mine, dragging me along with her. Seeing him up close was even worse. She reached into her pocket, tugging out the dagger I'd given her the day before. The one Bellamy had told her to clutch if she was scared. She placed it in his open, loose palm. He looked over. "Don't be afraid," she encouraged him. I frowned.

"Go back to camp," Bellamy called to the others. They left immediately. Charlotte didn't move. "Charlotte, Y/n, you too." She turned, following after the others. I didn't move. He looked at me.

I shook my head decisively. "I'm not leaving you here alone."

"I don't need you here," he grumbled.

"I don't care," I snapped back in response. Atom groaned on the ground and we both looked back. "Come on Bellamy, stop wasting time." He turned back to Atom, kneeling down slowly. Atom offered his neck, begging Bellamy to do him mercy. My face scrunched up in pain. Octavia... Atom begged and begged but Bellamy couldn't move. I thought back to all the smack talk he'd delivered about killing Jasper and Clarke not being able to make the hard choice.

Movement caught my eye and I looked over. Speak of the Devil... Clarke walked up, pain in her face. She kneeled on the other side of Atom, across from Bellamy. "I heard screams," she managed after a second."

"Charlotte found him," Bellamy told her, his voice almost hoarse. "I sent her back to camp."

Clarke looked him up and down and then looked back to Bellamy. She gave a decisive shake of her head- lost cause. My hands curled into fists at my side. Bellamy looked away. Clarke looked back to Atom. "Okay," she whispered, forcing a smile, her voice weak and breathless. "I'm gonna help you, alright?" She leaned over him, one hand going to stroke the side of his face. She started humming soothingly. Her other hand reached for the blade in Bellamy's hand. Still humming, she pushed the blade into his throat and then pulled it out. Bellamy watched her, transfixed. Awed. The only thing I could think was that Clarke was the perfect leader. Merciful, resourceful, driven, and smart. She could do hard things. She could be serious. Bellamy could be a perfect second in command though. Form her stuff ideas and strict need for the rules to make a balance between need and want. If they would just work together...

The walk back to camp was silent, but it was seeing Octavia are Atom, dead and messed up, that was the worst part. She stormed off, even blowing me off. When I went to go after her, Bellamy stopped me. "Give her some space." I nodded, stepping away. He was right. She needed space to grieve. He turned to Murphy, barely keeping it together. "Did we lose anyone here?"

"No," he huffed. "Jasper's still breathing. Unfortunately." I tensed, my eyes boring into him. "I tried to end him but your psycho little sister-"

I would have been on top of him but Bellamy got to him first. One of his hands gripped Murphy by the collar, keeping him close as he screamed. "MY WHAT? MY WHAT?" I felt his anger, shaking in my rage as I forced myself to sit still. I'd never seen Murphy look at shaken as he did.

"Your little sister," Murphy corrected, shoving Bellamy away. I stepped forward, right at Bellamy's shoulder.

Bellamy calmed. Just a little. "Yeah that's right," he eased. “My little sister. Got anything else you wanna say about her?"

Murphy looked between us a few times before replying, "Nothing. Sorry." His voice cracked but I didn't get anything from it.

It didn't make me feels complicated or angry or even regretful. I just felt angry. I hated John Murphy. Hated him with every fiber in my being. Bellamy stepped away from him, pausing. "Get him out of here." He motioned to Atom as he turned away, stalking into the woods.

I turned to go as well, but I didn't go after Octavia or Bellamy. I went after Wells. We were digging Atom's grave went Clarke came. "I'll leave you two alone," I whispered, already feeling the tension. Clarke and Wells both gave me a grateful smile and I nodded before walking. I didn't want to go back to camp because I needed some space, so I just walked.

That seemed to be a really great way to find the one person I was trying to avoid because as I walked, I stumbled upon a pacing Bellamy. I tripped in surprise and he looked over. I immediately turned to book it but he raced to me. "Wait." He closed the distance easily, his fingers wrapping around my wrist. We stood there a second. "You were right. Clarke too. I was trying to do what I thought was right, but... I ended up messing it all up." He paused, taking a painful breath in. "I'm sorry. I should have treated Jasper that way." I didn't move. "Y/n..." My face twisted as I tried to resist him and the power he still had over me. "Y/n..." I looked at him. God, he was beautiful. Besides that, though, he was also home. "What happened? That day? What REALLY happened? When you disappeared." I shook my head and he stepped closer. "How did you get stuck in this stupid situation?"

Finally, I broke. "You and your dad were- were gone. Your mom was asleep, downstairs. Then- they came for her." I couldn't look at him. "Some of the neighbored said they saw a second girl in the house. A girl who looked to be apart of the family. Said they heard your dad say 'watch your sister' one day. They came for her and I..." I closed my eyes. "They dragged your mom away. And- and she was so scared." I pulled away from him.

He only stepped closer. "Y/n, please."

"I told her to stay silent and I went out. Said I was your sister. Before I left- I told her to lie to you. Tell you- anything. So you wouldn't come looking for me. So you wouldn't find out. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want you to be guilty and hate yourself. But I couldn't let her get caught Bell, I couldn't-"

Instantly he pulled me closer. "Y/n, I..." He held me as I cried.

"Bell, I love Octavia with all my heart. I gave my life for her and she got lined up to die anyway. But I still meant well. If I knew... I don't know, I wouldn't have had her lie to you. Maybe. I don't know! I'm sorry- I'm s- I-"

He leaned back. "Breathe, Y/n, breathe." But I couldn't. I closed my eyes as tears fell down my face as I shook as my body refused to let me take in air. "Panic attack," he realized. I'd had them before. When I got too stressed- like now, when everything was happening too fast - my body became dysfunctional as I went into overdrive.

In a moment of such purpose I couldn't even question it when I looked back later, he leaned close and did the only thing he knew how to do when I was shutting down like this.

He kissed me.

Just as always, his touch and the way his hair tickled my forehead and the feel of his lips on mine as his hands brushed my waist or my neck or my cheek soothed me. He calmed the raging ocean and I was still. Broken and hurt and messy, but calm.

Somewhere else in the woods, Wells and Charlotte sat next to each other. Talking, for now. But as I kissed the man I loved for the first time in a year a half, the full truth out and in the air, Charlotte sunk a dagger into his neck. She took our advice, slaying her demons... in far too literal a sense. As my world finally seemed to be coming together, Well's world ended. And that marked the beginning of the end for the rest of us, too.

[theheartchoice]

 Providence 

dean/cas  |  teen  |  2k  |  canonverse s6  |  ao3 

for @profoundnet's bi-weekly Bot Stat challenge. prompt issued: July 9th 2019 

dedicated to @saltnhalo ~ crack-free! 😘

Dean is cleaning his gun. Cas is the pizzaman. Sam is on the demon blood again.

Dean doesn't miss the apple-pie life, not really. He's a Hunter and this is what they do, this is the life for him. Doesn't mean he can't do with some small comforts, now and then. Or some hope - even if it's just a clue to find a way to stop the stuff of nightmares from wreaking havoc on the world. Pizza helps, too.

So, she broke things off.

..Unclip the mag.. 

So what?

..Clear the chamber.. 

Not like Dean really expected it to last, right?

..This cloth probably needs to be thrown.. 

Guess it was nice while it lasted.

..Where's the pipe cleaner?.. 

Maybe it would've been nice to last a while longer.

..Need more oil.. 

Had a whole year, though. And it was a pretty good year, as Hunter standards go.

..Should grab some rock salt, too. Runnin' low.. 

Sure as hell wasn't perfect. Dean was no model boyfriend or parental figure. Not with all his baggage, his demons.

..Need to make a list. Probably need a bunch of stuff. Wonder if Soulless Sammy's hacked any more cards yet.. 

That life isn't the thing to miss, though. That's not the life for him. He misses them. Her smile, her strength, her warmth. Little Ben growing up so fast, Dean pained he'll miss the rest. But he's not that guy - Mr. Family Man. They deserve better.

..They can hit the store before they leave town. Baby needs fuel. Grab some Johnny to replace the backup. Get outta dodge before the rains come. Sam can find 'em a case once they hit the interstate. They need snacks for the road, too. With any luck they'll find some monster to gank by nightfall.. 

Dean's only halfway through with their arsenal when his stomach reminds him he's past due for supper. Dinner had been a bust; Soulless Sam needs a lesson in acceptable menu classics, asap. Forget beheading a vamp with a baseball bat he could've sworn wasn't on the pitch a moment earlier - Dean'll be lucky not to get salmonella poisoning from that so-called food!

The mini fridge is bare, the cooler barer - unless you count half a dozen syringes of Dead-Man's blood. Dean doesn't. But considering Sam's choice for dinner, maybe he does? Never again. Sam is off food-duty until further notice.

What Dean could really go for, right now, is some pizza. Extra Large and all to himself. There's gotta be takeout menus around here somewhere.

He's barely scuffed one boot over the worn carpet when there's a rap at the door. At midnight. Sam wouldn't knock. Soulless Sam even less likely. 

Grabbing one from the newly-cleaned stash, Dean silently draws up into the crook of wall between door and curtained window, gun cocked. Swift to pull it open and hard to throw himself against it, on the other side of that door is the last person Dean expected to see. "Cas?" Standing in a fuzzy halo of sickly yellow halogen, holding a goddamned miracle in his arms. "Is that pizza?"

"I thought you might be hungry."

"For me?" Cas nods. Dean yanks him - and the pizza - inside. "I'm starved, actually. That's some good timin'."

And so much for the brief trip into Bizarro World where a certain Angel actually respects personal space; Cas' hands are on Dean - shoulder and forehead as he tries to lean over the table, flipping the lid to inspect the toppings. Meatlovers and extra BBQ sauce. Awesome. But those hands are turning him away from pizza, now. "What's up with you?"

"You're not in any stage of starvation, Dean. You're in perfect health.. Aside from you-.. your wrist." He takes Dean's arm from bicep to sprain without hesitation. "What happened?"

It's kinda hard to shrug outta the grip of a guy who could literally throw you as far as the eye can see. "Vamp nest. But we got 'em, no biggy." No more deaths once they arrived in town, too, which was a nice change. "Can we eat? Sam bought, like, raw fish for dinner, man - I think it's still swimmin' around in there." Dean eyes the garbage where he tossed his takeout container, forcing back bile at the memory: one hasty bite before he'd realised his mistake. It had been.. slimy. 

One of Cas' hands slips from his bicep to palm over Dean's stomach. The other leaves his wrist, at least, so Dean seizes the moment and steals the nearest slice from the box; chase away a bad memory with something good. OH, yeah - screw clouds - this is heaven. 

"Nihon unagi." 

"Huh―?" Dean tries not to let the precious pizza tumble from his mouth. 

"Freshwater eel, and they're not swimming. Not consciously, anyway."

Dean's jaw stills. He stares at Cas. 

"Digestive enzymes."

Oh, of course. 

Cas' eyes refocus on Dean's pizza. No - his hand. His injury. "May I..?" 

Mid-chew, Dean figures it can't hurt. He switches his pizza from right to left and holds out the sprain he'd forgot he had. 

Cas' hand closes careful around it, a slip of warmed ice flowing quick through Dean's veins - and then his minor injury is minor no more.

"Thanks," Dean murmurs, and follows it with another mouthful of beef and pepperoni.

Cas leaves him to his second slice to survey the room. "Where is Sam?"

"Li'b'ary.." This is food. This is what every meal should taste like. All the meat, rich with smokey goodness. "R'se'rch."

"I thought you said the case was over?" Cas regains some proximity to the little round table where Dean stands with hips hugging the large pizza box. He takes a few moments to chew, swallow - rushing the savour-part, but Angels don't really understand the pleasure of a good pizza-pie, now do they?

"Not that. Purgatory." With slice #3 in hand, he realises he's got nothing to wash it down with. Slightly annoyed, he leads Cas past the bed laden with guns to the one neatly made with a duffel bag open on top. He pulls out a book, hands it over. "Officially, it's a work of fiction, and we still don't really know what we're dealin' with exactly, but.." He takes another bite. "..There may be a way to counteract the spell Crowley plans on usin'. Last line of defense, sorta thing."

Cas goes pensive and Dean goes back to his pizza, leading Cas over to their Wall of Crazy. They're still trying to track Crowley's whereabouts; It's ongoing. Vamps get beheaded on slow progress days.

"It's almost midnight."

So..? 

"The library would be closed."

Dean gawks. "You know what time libraries close in small-town America?" Cas nods, clearly not seeing the issue. Whatever. "Not a library, a church. Secret archive in the foundations. The pastor, Father Roberto, let him in, a favour for takin' care of the vamps." The fact that one of them had been a colleague of his must've hit close enough to home to warrant unlocking the storm shelter: a small basement room stocked with hunter-esque reads. The guy had only been in their once - twice, including when he caught his former colleague breaking the rules with B&E (and reading). 

They may not find anything ther, but since Sam doesn't need sleep nowadays he agreed to pull the all-nighter and check for certain before they skip town. 

Gaze flitting from Dean and his pizza, to the leatherback book in his hands and up to the Crazy Wall, Cas keeps his thoughts to himself. He looks concerned, wary almost.

"You okay?"

Cas turns the book over, gently. "Where did you get this?" he says to the back cover.

"St. Bruno's. Got quite the collection of lore stashed away in the basement, but Roberto confiscated that one from one of the vamps, before.." Dean trails off, leaving out the details of his bloody foul ball at the local park. "Demonic possession's a big feature, no surprises there. Some monster stuff and gods stuff scattered through - most of it we know already from Bobby's. Also a bunch of balony text. But there was a couple dozen copies of that," he points at Cas' hands with his pizza tip, "so we figured we should see what else was down there that might be useful."

He joins Cas by the map printouts, newspaper clippings, highlighted notes and online article stubs. He watches as Cas traces delicate fingers over the black leather and gold-embossed spine. There's something about the way he handles it - with such care, and hesitation. It's a little odd, but then again he did kinda the same thing with Chuck's books, too. Only this time he hasn't even opened it. 

"It's a graphic novel," Dean explains, "Words and images in a badass, super freaky, pretty damn cool comic strip setup." He'd been more impressed by it than Sam. Apparently his brother's passion for all things Geek was another thing that'd been left behind. It's one thing Dean never thought he'd miss.

Cas is still regarding the ripples in the leather when Dean's pocket vibrates. "You find somethin'?" The last thing he expects to hear are the words Demon and Blood, but measured against the bar of strangeness and crappy circumstance that is their lives, Dean's not as freaked out as he probably should be.

Soulless Sam, Heaven at war with itself, Purgatory existing, Angelic pizza-men.. Anything's possible these days. 

"What about Demon Blood?" Cas must feel Dean's eyes on him because he looks up to pay attention. Dean nods along, shakes his head, wishes he had that spare Johnny to wash down the news. "Yeah, okay. Grab what you can. Forget finding a new case, we'll head to Bobby's in the morning." Hanging up, Dean can feel Cas' eyes on him. "Apparently, St. Bruno's has a book on demons we haven't seen before. Says somethin' about Demon blood relating to Purgatory, but he can't read much of it. Says it's in 'some kind of code'," and Dean shakes his head away from the shadowy thought of just how much of 'Sam' is really left. 

Code-breaking? He used to do that shit for fun, at breakfast, before Dean had even poured his first cup of coffee. Now he.. can't? Or he's just not interested? Dean's not sure which is worse. 

Cas' face steals back to Angelness, all signs of wariness painted over with a blank canvas. He glances at the clock, oddly, and places the book gently down on the nightstand. "I have to go." 

And it's not like Dean expected him to stay, but it would've been nice. Least he brought pizza. "Yeah, okay. We'll keep in touch, let you know what we find." 

Cas nods, and Dean can tell he's about to I Dream of Jeannie it outta there, so he quickly adds, "―You too, you hear me? Don't be a stranger." They lock eyes for a moment, and it feels like old times. "Thanks for the pizza." 

With a tilted trace of a smile, Cas nods again, softer. "Be careful, Dean." 

The fridge kicks on as invisible wings take flight. An owl hoots somewhere outside, waiting for an answer. It's suddenly quiet and the room feels empty in a way it hadn't before. Lonely. 

He flicks on the old box set, turns some late night movie low, and snags the pizza box along with the little black book to settle down in the neatly made bed, tossing his duffel aside.

HP Lovecraft may have some relevance to what they're dealing with, but for now he just reads for the hell of it. To get lost in it; someplace else, somehow familiar. It's a clue, a step in the right direction, hopefully. And though it's not exactly a comfort, there's something grounding in knowing the answers are out there, somewhere. They just gotta keep looking. 

There's fiction and there's reality, and sometimes the impossible is what's real. Sometimes it's a nightmare instead of a dream. That's the Hunter life. Figuring out what's dark fantasy and what's really lurking in the shadows. 

No Lisa, no Ben. No Sam, even if he walked through that door right now. Bobby three states away. Cas off at war. 

He's got pizza and Lovecraft's Cosmicism and Mitchum on the grainy tube. It's not everything, but it's enough. With any luck he'll dream of something better, something more. Probably the best he can hope for, really: if he can't have a better life, dreams might be the closest he ever gets. 

But as long as he gets his four hours, he'll manage, dreams (or nightmares) or no. 

The telltale pitter-patter of rain starts in, grows steadily heavier as the pages turn, the black-and-white noir futzing and pizza filling him, making him sleepy. He drifts off to the flicker of blue neon through the tear in the curtain by his bed, distantly wishing he'd removed his boots or at least his belt; it's digging into him, but he knows on the plus side he'll be ready to jump up and fight if something goes bump in the night.

Just another night in the Hunter's life.

[the-irish-mayhem]

Oooooooooooh, you have some sw fic outlines. Please, please tell me! I'd love to know.

Oh jeebus. I have a lot of them. While I was reading over these again/condensing for purposes of the ask, I realized the reason I probably haven’t finished any of them is because they’re all so plot-heavy and god knows when I start writing something with plot it’s gonna end up AT LEAST 20k.

I put this under a cut because it got long and apparently I am having lots of Star Wars feelings tonight and because I love you anon :D

A) There was the one Clone Wars-era fic where I literally created an entire race of aliens inhabiting a small planet not unlike Hoth and their entire culture was based off of ice carving. Like, they had massive ice cities and ice sculptures and stuff and there were whole celebrations and coming-of-age ceremonies related to ice carving, and even the prefixes of their names had to do with their specific family tradition of carving/where they were from because that influences their style of carving. for some godforsaken reason the separatists hone in and start terraforming the place to be warmer/melt the ice (I say ‘for some godforsaken reason’ but the actual reason is because in its liquid form, this ice isn’t water, it’s some sort of valuable starship fuel [this gives the ice unique properties, and figures into carving traditions, and makes it more hardy than normal ice]) and even though this is one of the good ol Neutral Systems, the Republic gets word of this and is like ‘well shit, we can’t let the Seps get all that fuel’ and Padmé Amidala is sent as a diplomatic emissary (partly because her coalition fought for it, but also because in the back of her mind she knows what it’s like to have your peaceful planet invaded by those who want to exploit it and so she packs like her whole arsenal of blasters because she may be a pacifist in theory, but she’s also fucking pissed.) Padmé also sees an opportunity when the Senate requests she accept Jedi protection on this mission, and she humbly suggests Jedi Knight Skywalker and Padawan Tano accompany her, because they have worked together in the past and will mesh more smoothly with her own security. Cue the shenanigans, with Anakin and Padmé poorly concealing their relationship from Ahsoka, political trickery and corruption, fighting Separatists, aggressive negotiations, and the Republic wins the day.

B) With his padawan gone and his legion falling apart in the waning months of the Clone Wars, Anakin Skywalker wonders what will come after. Or, the Chosen One ponders peacetime. Set post-Fives’ death. (A look at how Anakin feels about losing the people he trusts the most. He 100% has a conversation with Rex about it. Address the “nightmares” Fives mentioned. Talk about clones as “property” and what will come after. Bonding over it.) first line: Fives’ last words stick in Anakin’s head like an itch he can’t scratch. It’s a flutter, a prod in the Force that he can’t understand. (also like. yo. if this turned into a multichapter, imagine Anakin and Rex prodding at this issue and the plot starts to unravel and after like 8 chapters of misdirections Anakin realizes the Chancellor is behind this and yo. YOO.)

C) Fives shoots the probe droid off his back. Everything changes. I have a lot of feelings about this Clone Wars episode cLeArLy and also come on Fives isn’t a shiny he’d KNOW he was being followed. Anakin and Rex are drawn into Fives’ investigation. Anakin is leery, but in the end, much like the previous fic, they unravel the web and everybody lives! (or at least most of them do)

D) Anakin and Obi-wan crash land on a Separatist-occupied planet. Anakin is severely injured because no one can ever legally say I don’t love Anakin-whump, and Obi-wan mother-hens and is trying to keep this idiot alive and it’s part survival, part thriller (because they gotta avoid the Separatists and keep it way on the DL that they’re Jedi), and lots of whump. Ideally, this fic ends in a catharsis moment that, down the line, will lead to Anakin NOT falling to the Dark Side, but I DIGRESS.

E) So, there comes a Breaking Point™ and Anakin leaves the Jedi Order, and Padmé leaves the Senate. Maybe the kids came early, and it just became ardently clear to both of them that Luke and Leia were their priority, and they both just dip outta Courascant and fuck off to Naboo to live happily ever after….kinda. They both love their kids, but they both feel guilty for leaving. (Oh, and Aunt Ahsoka comes to visit, because she left the Order and she and Anakin stayed in touch and it gave him another person who wasn’t Palpy to lean on outside the Order. Uncle Obi-wan also drops in from time to time, when he’s on leave.) So yeah, they both feel guilty, Padmé still teleconferences with Bail and Mon, consults on bills and proposals; Anakin still offers advice to Obi-wan, battle plans (and here Obi-wan would laugh because Anakin when do you ever stick to a plan.) and they both generally just keep up with what’s happening in the Republic because they’re SO DESPERATE to know that everything would be fine without them. And then it becomes very VERY evident that things are NOT all right when Palpatine moves forward with his plans, executes Order 66, and shit is just CHAOS. Idk if he like…. sends some people for Luke and Leia on Naboo, because in this outline I hadn’t decided how much he knows about their departures from their positions/their marriage/the twins, but anyway when he declares himself Emperor and the Jedi have been nearly wiped out, Anakin and Padmé know they can’t just sit idly by. So they both become Rebel leaders, building the Rebellion to what we know it as in A New Hope. Anakin, Obi-wan, and Ahsoka all try to suss out where the surviving Jedi are, all while evading Palpy’s Sith agents. It’s clear Palpatine still wants to turn Anakin. Padmé runs things politically along with Bail and Mon’s help, building a galactic support network. The twins are brought up on Rebel bases, learning the ways of the Jedi from all the survivors, not just a single master. (Though, if they were to get particular about it, Leia is Ahsoka’s padawan, and Luke is Obi-wan’s. The latter was accepted with some grumbling One Skywalker was enough for several lifetimes but changing his tune when Luke turns out a lot more like Padmé than Anakin.) They don’t ever plan on having more kids–life in the Rebellion is stressful and not to mention dangerous, but as these things go, there’s a whoops and there’s now a third Skywalker child when Luke and Leia are in their mid-teens. Boy or girl, I’m not sure. If it’s a boy, they name him Jinn Skywalker (because tbt to that fake vision Vader had in Lost Command) and if it’s a girl? I don’t know. I don’t think it would be Shmi. Padmé 1000000% suggests it, but Anakin says he doesn’t think so. Anyway. Lots of spying and battling and military-ing and propaganda-ing and politicking and lightsaber dueling and Rebels winning later, the Empire is defeated! (Probably after a hella intense battle between Anakin and Palpatine, or his Apprentice of the Week, and Luke and/or Leia have to be there to help him and ground him maybe? Don’t know for sure but it would be TENSE.) Luke and Leia are in their early twenties, Jinn/not-Shmi is ten-ish? Timelines. But they did it! They beat the Empire!

F) This one is sparse, but like…. what if Cleigg freed Shmi and Anakin before Padmé and company found them? Or they just don’t find them until Anakin is a moody teenager, but now with Better Emotional Control because he wasn’t raised a Jedi, and has a loving family? So basically he kind of teaches himself how to use the Force, because he literally has such an intense unconscious connection to it. Eventually Someone Comes™ but I don’t know who this would be or what their reason would be, but I mostly wanted a reason for Owen to be Salty™ that Anakin left the farm. Because in this fic they would be proper brothers, ok. Also, Anakin wins a shit ton of pod-races and becomes semi-famous on Tatooine for being the only human to win not only one race, but a fuckin BUNCH.

G) Your classic Anakin-Gets-Thrown-Forward-In-Time

H) Your classic Luke and Leia-Get-Thrown-Back-In-Time

G) Not sure if this counts, but there’s like…….a massive Star Wars/Avengers Fusion AU that I’ve got going on. I’ve written like… thousands of words for it. Steve is a Jedi, trained by Jedi Master Peggy Carter. His best friend, former Padawan Bucky Barnes fell to the Dark Side after being captured by an enemy (either Separatists or Empire, but I’m thinking Separatists), but Steve still believes that Bucky can be saved/doesn’t believe his falling was purposeful. Cue Jedi rhetoric about falling to the Dark Side, and Steve goes rogue and tracks down Natasha Romanoff, a former Jedi-turned-Sith assassin-turned-bounty hunter whose wise-cracking, flyboy partner goes by the name Hawkeye and is allegedly the best shot in the galaxy. Nick Fury is Mace Windu but with an eyepatch and more justice given to his story. Thor is the prince of some rich planet in the Core (or maybe Mandalore) who was found to be extremely Force-sensitive as an infant, but his powerful family covered it up in his medical records so he wouldn’t be noticed by the Jedi. Jane Foster is a Jedi healer who kind of finds him out.

These are just the ones I have google docs for; this isn’t even counting all the notebooks that definitely have plot-bunnies written in them.

[echodrops]

BNHA, some thoughts on Toga after reading both your recent metas, the representation and female characters ones. Toga getting reduced to fetish fuel by fandom is pretty irritating. It really shortchanges her character, she's interesting. Despite all the murder, she's not written as a true psychopath/sociopath - her emotions are written as genuine, her empathy is written as being real. Her most depraved and her most empathetic moments both occur in the same arc, too (Overhaul's Hideout).

I actually think we can make a pretty good case for Toga being the best written female character in all of Boku no Hero Academia.

There are two other contenders–Inko and Nana–who could probably easily take the spot if not for their extenuating circumstances: Inko simply isn’t in the story enough to be a consistent source of emotional engagement, and we haven’t seen enough of Nana yet to get a real sense of the depth of her character. If Nana gets to be part of an extended series of flashbacks or becomes a vestige that Izuku can talk to, we might get enough of her to bump her to the top.

But right now, I can make a pretty convincing case for Toga.

1) She is the only female character whose actions are absolutely central to the main plot/conflict as it is unfolding right now. In the last 100 chapters, the only female to single-handedly accomplish anything for her side of the conflict has been Toga. You could not remove Toga from the plot and replace her with any of the male characters around her because her quirk and involvement in the story line are actively integrated in a way that none of the other female characters’ are (again, barring Nana). Mina? Jirou? Kendou? Uraraka? Tsuyu? Even Momo? In the last half of the manga’s plot, none of the class 1-A or 1-B girls have played any major part in the series’ overall conflict, had any stand-out moments of emotional depth that wasn’t narrated for them by a male character, or even been allowed to meaningfully contribute to the battles except during training against classmates, the outcomes of which have no lasting impact on the main heroes vs. villains conflict.

That’s because Toga doesn’t suffer from the one thing holding back all the heroines and heroines-in-training: good girls aren’t violent. Good girls are lovable, attractive, and supportive. They’re not ambitious or obsessive about strength and overcoming their rivals like boys are. Good girls behave well. And unfortunately, Horikoshi is pretty progressive in some ways and really, really unprogressive in others. His definition of “good girls” and the ways good girls act seems to be pretty rooted in conservative Japanese standards, which traditionally have undervalued women. (This is not to say that everyone in Japan discriminates against women, far from it; in general, however, societal standards for women in Japan have lagged behind other major developed nations.)

Uraraka and the other girls in 1-A and 1-B can and will become heroes, surely. They can even prove themselves to be very strong and skilled individuals. But they will only rarely–if ever–be allowed to outshine their male compatriots in terms of strength, aggression, impact on the main plot, and even emotional depth. The tension and depth of this story has, so far, been given almost entirely to male characters–Deku, Iida, Bakugou, Todoroki, Shigaraki, Kirishima, even Shinsou… Readers get more glimpses into the mindsets, emotional struggles, and backstories of these characters than any of the girls. Bakugou can literally cry and scream on screen from how angry he is that he doesn’t measure up to his classmates; but Momo, who feels similarly, will demurely have her confidence issues discussed by Todoroki and Aizawa for her.

Toga, however, doesn’t get hit by this stuff quite as bad because she isn’t a “good girl.” Toga can be violent. Toga can be out on the frontlines throwing down directly with the male heroes and can come out on top because she’s a villain and sometimes the villains have to win for the story to be exciting. Toga got away with threatening Shigaraki.Whether Tomura is just telling lies to keep her on his side or not, Toga is canonically referred to as one of the League’s “linchpins.” She’s tangled with the heroes two more times than Dabi, Mr. Compress, Magne, or Spinner, and once more than Twice, making her literally the League’s most active member. Because of her role as a villain, Toga is free from the limitations that prevent the heroines from making any lasting impacts on the plot.

2) Toga’s personal motivations/mindset have direct impacts on the plot. Sure, being a “love obsessed” girl who develops crushes at the drop of the hat isn’t exactly the most fantastic basis for a female character ever–it’s cripplingly stereotypical and a gross excuse to draw faces bordering on ahegao, actually–but at least Toga’s crushes are plot relevant. Her “love” for Izuku and collecting his blood led to her utilizing that blood in combat to directly change the course of what is probably the series’ most important and dramatic battle to date. Unlike Uraraka, whose crush is essentially mandatory due to her role as the love interest and really has no bearing on the major plot, Toga’s “love” for Izuku shapes not only her actions but also the actions of others because she is a mover-and-shaker in the main conflict, unlike other female characters.

Toga’s crush on Stain was what drove her to join the League, despite the fact that Stain is no longer part of it in any way–and she’s remained loyal to the League. Her crush motivated her to take direct action and change the course of her life. Unlike other crush plot lines given to female characters, which are often used only in two contexts: 1) Oh no, I can’t let these feelings affect my friendship with [shounen protagonist]! 2) Ha ha, look how adorable I am trying to hide my crush from everyone!, Toga’s crushes are driving factors in her story and the plot overall.

3) Toga has demonstrated more meaningful emotional depth than half the female students. You’re right–reducing Toga to fanservice badly degrades a character who’s actually been painted with more depth than virtually any other female character (except Inko) in the series so far. In her response to Magne’s death, her comments that she wants to continue enjoying life with the League, her willingness to threaten Shigaraki for making choices for her, and her delicate treatment of Twice, Toga’s feelings–even those beyond her love and friendship obsession–are portrayed seriously and with a degree of attention and agency that few other females in this series get. Toga is loyal, intelligent, dedicated to pursuing her personal goals, empathetic, brave, and strong-willed, and most importantly–these aren’t informed traits. We don’t hear about how smart she is or how nice or how brave she is from other people–we see it in direct action throughout the course of the story. You don’t hold a knife to Shigaraki Tomura’s neck without being both staggeringly courageous and dead-set in your beliefs–Toga has a backbone of steel and a good head on her shoulders. She’s in far more control of herself than anyone is giving her credit for; she knows exactly what she wants and she’s going for that without hesitating. Her response to Twice after Magne’s death not only demonstrates a clear understanding of other people’s feelings, but also signals to the readers how far the League has come in supporting and valuing each other, an important turning point for readers, making her feelings and dialogue more meaningful than many of the other female characters’.

4) Toga’s obsession with identity–and its ties to her quirk–implies a significantly more interesting backstory than most other girls in the series. In a way that doesn’t happen for many other characters outside the villains, Toga’s quirk is directly tied her to mindset and behavior. She is obsessed with seizing the identities of the people she “loves” to actively become those people. It should be obvious that this obsession is a direct off-shoot of her powers. Imagine what life would be like for a child who could literally change identities any time she became dissatisfied with herself. Forming a personal identity is a complex process for human beings (google Erik Erikson’s Eight Stages for a more in-depth look), and it is also a process fraught with peril. Children and young adults who fail to develop healthy, complete self-identities struggle in a variety of ways, not the least of which is mental illness. How would a tiny young girl who was capable of completely altering her physical appearance and attitude, enough so to be easily mistaken for others, define her own personal identity? This is literally a nightmare scenario, ripe for the development of psychological issues. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out the start of Toga’s descent into madness was realizing that, by hurting others, she could become someone better, more popular, with more friends–someone happy. It makes perfect sense that Toga is the way she is now, with the quirk she has. Toga’s desperate love–her desperate desire to be someone else–is almost inevitably going to be tied to a shattered sense of self. This is why the issue of “villain quirks” is so interesting–did Toga ever have a chance to be “normal,” with a quirk that would have devastated the psyche of a growing child?

I don’t know when or if we’ll ever see Toga’s backstory, but just the hints we’ve been given are already enough to make it richer and more interesting to think about that almost any of the other female characters in the series.

Toga is great, and seeing what she gets reduces to by the fans (hell, and her own creator sometimes) seriously bums me out.

[masaru2042]

Hey, Elon, I got a Proposition!

Someone asked me to answer this on Quora, and well, I actually do have an answer for it!  And it’s pretty awesome.

I’m smiling because I’m actually trying to answer this myself.

And no, I’m not kidding. YES YOU CAN DO THIS, AND I’VE NOW GOT THE NUMBERS TO PROVE IT! I racked this with a good mechanical friend of mine, and another who maintains the boiler at his job. Basically, I’ve consulted people who know what they’re doing.

Basically, I decided to take a fictional locomotive from a very famous children’s story and see if I can stuff a bunch of Tesla battery modules up its tender, and add regenerative braking to said locomotive. Which actually would be better than the dynamic braking used by diesels today. One reason is how regenerative braking works when it comes to shoving a bunch of Tesla batteries up said locomotive’s tender. Though we can do half and half. And granted the locomotive has air brakes, we can just do regenerative blended braking.

On top of…converting said locomotive into a waste vegetable oil burner…which is an actual thing and two steam locomotives currently burn waste vegetable oil.

WVO is wasted cooking oil, namely veggie oil that restaurants use and then must dispose of after they use it. Using waste veggie oil actually saves on water, water that you have to add to cooking oil to even get it to be properly converted into biodiesel. Basically, frying a whole pot of chicken does the work for you. You just need to strain all the stuff you don’t want from the oil and use a fuel injector and atomizer in the firebox to spray the WVO fuel in.

And the fireman’s duties are now to adjust how much is being atomized, as well as the occasional dumping of sand in the firebox which helps keep the fire tubes unclogged. And said dumping of sand is literally not that much. It’s a little bucket and the guy has a small spade and plops a small scoop in.

The two locomotives that are the first to be converted to WVO are the GCR No. 4960 which is a Mikado 2–8–2, and the GCR No. 29 which is a Consolidated 2–8–0. Both locomotives do not use coal at all, only the wasted cooking oil that the restaurants ran by the park’s railways throw out, and for water, only snow melt is used.

Basically these two locomotives that run on the Grand Canyon Railway are carbon neutral burning locomotives. They are THAT clean. They actually did try various other fuel, including diesel! Yes, those two locomotives…burned diesel in their fireboxes once!

So the locomotive in question for this particular experiment that will answer your question is the fabled Gresley 4–6–2 Pacific prototype A0. Said locomotive does not exist in life, but on paper. However, a reverend by the name of Wilbur Awdry made this prototype exist in his book series.

I’m talking about Gordon. The posh, snobbish, galloping, blue sausage himself.

I’ve had fun with this guy. I chose him because of his rather unique attributes and a certain race that though he did lose due to plot convenience and I’m gonna call it that because every boilerman I’ve either spoken with or read in blogs who have looked at the footage from the movie The Great Race all said that Gordon actually had the capacity to defeat the SNCF BB 9003…an electric locomotive that had a top speed of 200 miles per hour. All Gordon needed was a little streamlining to do it. Apparently Gresley built the first steam locomotive that runs on pure awesome.

Basically, Gordon is mainline high speed passenger train material. He always was, but now it’s like…move over Mallard level of high speed. So it would be feasible and possibly even very likely that for the future of the Northwestern Railway, upgrades to Gordon would be required to meet ever changing timetable demands.

And luckily for Sir Topham Hatt, upgrades are easy thanks to him being a prototype. It’s easier to interchange his parts than it would be for a mainline model.

This is why I chose Gordon for this little experiment. Also we’ve got a lot of specs on the guy. And a few possible Gresley-drawn blueprints of the actual, but never built A0. Which included his boiler PSI, and this is important…and that PSI is closer to an A3 than an A1. A1s had 210psi, and Gordon had 220psi. And I have a feeling it might be higher than that…given the performance he gave during that movie and the fact that even with all those problems, he was more than capable of traveling from Knapford to…somewhere close to Manchester…BOTH WAYS!

I’m going with the theorized 250 psi for Gordon.

The other reason for choosing Gordon is well, the weight of the locomotive. The locomotive that is Gordon is around 103 to maybe 105 tons. Very light weight compared to American locomotives of the same Pacific wheel arrangement. This is again key because lighter weight means less fuel and water used, and higher speeds. You want this. Total weight including the tender, Gordon’s around 160 tons. I’m intending to give him two tenders…because…well…where else is he gonna store 67 Tesla Model S battery modules? So, he’ll probably top out a little over 200 tons.

And now you know why he’s often made fun of due to his weight.

Don’t look at me like that, Gordon.  You know you’re a fat ass.

Ahem...

This moves you closer to the goal of making a feasible steam locomotive.

Next, we get to the fuel as well as exhaust. They go hand and hand. To reduce fuel and water consumption in steam engines running in Britain, Gresley class locomotives and others had installed in their smoke boxes a new type of blast pipe called the Kylchap exhaust. This cuts down on fuel consumption and also cuts down on water. Adding two of these to the smoke box doubles the output of the locomotive. This is why the Flying Scotsman has two chimneys (funnels) instead of one.

So, let’s apply that to Gordon’s smoke box. Which as you can see, I’ve done in the image. The elongated chimney is similar to that of the Scotsman. So now, he’ll burn less fuel and use up less water, which allows him to run even longer. Couple that with converting him over to a waste veggie oil burner…we’ve just made Gordon into a carbon neutral steam engine. So, we’re one step closer to making Gordon a practical steam engine that can go anywhere he wants without people having a hissy fit over fires he might cause or soot, or whatever. Essentially, he stops being an insurance nightmare and he becomes officially green technology.

Now we’ve run into the issue that people often will point out about steam engines. Why we switched from steam to diesel. Or specifically from external combustion to internal combustion. Steam engines, although they are cool to see, convert only 10% of the heat they make into energy for movement. The rest is thrown up into the air through the smoke box. And in Gordon’s case, he probably uses 50% of that wasted heat to talk about how absolutely special he is. Well, we don’t want him to do that, we want to Gordon to get the most energy out of his heat.

American steam engines solve this problem with a feed water heating system. Ambient temperature water is taken from the tender, into an injector which is then fed up into a bonnet over the firebox that is heated using the exhausted heat, the exhausted heat is around 1400ºF, and that heats the water to over boiling…and then it goes into another injector that pumps that into the boiler. This maintains the temperature in the boiler, which you want, uses the wasted heat that would just go up into the air…to preheat the feed water from the tender and prevent boiler shock, which you also want.

This also again conserves fuel, and it’s steam powered.

Gresley attempted to apply this interesting thing to his A1 Pacifics, specifically Gordon’s now scrapped brother White Knight.

Unfortunately, the benefits gained through this system were lost thanks to high maintenance of the system itself. So, Gresley opted out of the feed water heater system and used a system that does the same thing, but uses less parts to do it with. So Gordon has an exhaust steam injector. It basically does the same thing, still heating the feed water from Gordon’s tender with the exhausted steam inside his smoke box, and then dumping that heated water into Gordon’s boiler.

And again, it’s all steam powered, so it uses the excess heat that normally would be lost to the sky, into making our locomotive more efficient. The drawback is when we’re firing Gordon up, that to heat the water, we need live steam rather than exhaust steam. This is was an issue with the exhaust steam injectors, and we’ll solve with our little Tesla powered heating system.

But we’re still not there.

Let’s go into the other reason why steam engines are not very efficient…having to each morning light the firebox in order to slowly bring Gordon’s boiler temperature up to proper steam pressure in order to make him move. You cannot rush this. Depending on boiler size, you are supposed to take anywhere from 3 hours to 6 hours or even 8 hours to slowly bring a steam engine under steam. And again, they use live steam to heat the boiler, which makes bring Gordon fully under steam a slow process.

To do it faster, you risk boiler integrity and Gordon’s boiler explodes. You don’t want that. I don’t think he’d appreciate his intestines flying everywhere.

Picture Source: The-ARC-Minister

That is still disturbing to look at.

You have to be careful when hand firing a steam engine and raising steam. How did we fix this problem before? Well, various workshops and roundhouses would have an external boiler that would preboil water and then put it into the steam engine while it’s resting over night.

Did any of you Thomas fans ever wonder why the steam engines were just ready to go in the morning like magic?  It’s because Tidmoth Sheds has an external boiler to introduce live team into them so that they won’t have to wait for the guy who hand fires them in the morning to slowly bring them fully under steam.  And hand firing a steam engine is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS!

There have been cases of crew members maintaining temperature of the steam engine while spending a night somewhere by burning what all they could in the steam engine so they didn’t have to worry about slowly raising steam. They just never extinguished the firebox.

We’re gonna go a different route with Gordon. And this is where Tesla comes in.

This is also how Gordon can get his dynamic braking, or rather regenerative braking because that’s better for Gordon than dynamic braking, and still serves the same purpose. And well with regenerative, you can still employ dynamic braking.

Gordon and his brothers and cousins don’t use air brakes like American steam engines do, they use vacuum braking. It’s why to make the Flying Scotsman street legal, they had to install air braking on top of the American loud chime whistle, bell, and high intensity headlamp.

We’re gonna rip Gordon’s vacuum brakes out and shove blended/regenerative braking in. But to do that, he needs a mechanism to power these brakes. Steam provided that mechanism at first, and yes he does have a dynamo, but that’s only good for powering the lights.

Don’t worry, he won’t mind if we rip something out of him. Back in 1939, Hatt had William Stanier, yes THAT William Stanier, rip Gordon’s Gresley conjugated valve gear and replaced it with a 2 cylinder Walschaerts valve gear. It actually increased Gordon’s tractive effort. Again, another good thing!

Let’s shove a bunch of Tesla car battery modules up Gordon’s tender. About maybe 67 should be enough. Yeah, we need two tenders. The numbers we ran to fully power Gordon with Tesla modules required basically 100 of those modules in his tender. But we’re turning Gordon into a hybrid, not a fully electric steam locomotive. We want enough to maintain boiler temperature during idling and when he’s tucked snugly in his shed. And enough to power his dynamic/regenerative braking, and perhaps enough to help in powering the coaches he pulls.

This is a Tesla Model S module.

We’re gonna shove 67 of those up Gordon’s tender to create a battery powered preheater to his water and help insulate his boiler to retain heat when he’s all snuggled up in his shed. We’re gonna make a big electric blanket for Gordon so he won’t have to wake up with a cold boiler anymore.

We’re wanting to make Gordon practical. And well, we have. In reality, there is a railway which have steam engines that use a variant that I’m describing for Gordon.

Brienz Rothorn Railway is a railway in Switzerland and the steam locomotives are rather unique. They are a real world example of the modern steam locomotive and how we can create a modern railway using steam locomotives. Which includes something that I’m gonna put in Gordon, a way to preboil water using electricity from a battery installed in the locomotive itself which cuts the time of slowly raising Gordon to steam, pretty much turning 8 hours to 1.

In fact, it takes about 30 minutes to an hour to get a diesel engine revved up for service as well, which is why railways such as Norfolk and Southern are implementing a similar system for their diesels so that they can be up and running even faster especially during freezing cold weather. We’re just doing this for Gordon. And why Tesla? Does electric semi-truck tell you anything? Of course our real world Tony Stark would want to see if it’s possible to run a steam engine using his batteries.

Even if it’s a publicity stunt.

So, we have our steam engine, we have a way to make said steam engine carbon neutral. We have ways to make said steam engine more efficient using both the technology that was invented at the time of Gordon’s construction, and today. And now we have a way to not only insulate Gordon’s boiler to prevent heat lost during idling or when we’ve tucked him to bed at night as well as making sure he has his coffee in the morning so he can be up and ready.

So what’s the point of having the batteries for Gordon’s electric boiler blanket if we can just hook the big guy up to Norfolk and Southern’s SLEEPER system instead? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind having a power cord sticking out of his tender some times. Those batteries power the new advanced braking.

So let’s go ahead and rip out that braking system and replace it with a new one.

I suspect that modern NWR would have replaced the vacuum brakes of its steam engines with air brakes at least. Because those things became obsolete in the 70s. We’re giving Gordon regenerative braking. Regenerative braking is something that was applied to a steam locomotive one time. General Motors created four types of steam locomotives, all were scrapped…utilizing electric turbines!

Meet Jawn Henry!  The electric steam turbine locomotive.  And if it weren’t for dieselization, we would have continued researching to improve this massive behemoth.

Yeah, the same thing they used to make power in a power plant, they decided to put that in a locomotive. And on top of that, they had regenerative braking. My friend in this project, since we’re using Tesla, and this is Elon we’re talking about…suggested shoving 3.5 Model S Tesla motors up Gordon’s bogey, which will coincide with the regenerative and blended braking.

I suggested Gordon doesn’t need this, BUT we are also thinking about possible breakdowns that might happen en route. So…yeah…Gordon switching over to his 3.5 Model S motors might be a good thing? But then if we do have the 3.5 Model S motors, why do we need Gordon? Well, unfortunately, the numbers we ran only say the motors are powerful enough to move Gordon himself, not the train he pulls. And certainly not at the speed we need him to be at. The motors act like attaching a diesel to the back of Gordon’s tender.

Um, example A?  I think Gordon would much rather have Tesla motors in his bogey than Paxton shoving against his tender when he breaks down.

The purpose there is for potential mechanical issues, power to the coaches, and powering regenerative braking to Gordon.

The system, much like a system in a hybrid car, monitors idling time Gordon has verses running time, and during down time switching between firebox heat and battery heat. While still keeping the pilot light going so Gordon’s not using his fuel up. And in the mornings all you have to do is light Gordon’s firebox, but he’s pretty much at a good head of steam to start off already thanks to the preheated water.

And the 3.5 Model S motors provide power to the regenerative and blended braking which I suggest to my buddy whom I had this rather long discussion with.  Regenerative braking coupled with the motors actually charges the batteries.  So every time Gordon applies the brakes, he’s charging his heating blanket.

And this is how we turn a steam engine into something possibly practical.

Maybe.

In conclusion, we’ve reduced the steam engine’s carbon footprint with the WVO fuel, reduced the amount of fuel and water it uses with the Kylchap exhaust system, maximized the conversion of wasted heat from the engine with exhaust steam injector, gave the steam engine an electric blanket to sleep under at night, and coffee in the morning which makes the time the steam engine takes to get started a lot less. And with that electric blanket, we’ve now given it a proper regenerative/blended braking system and secondary “get out of dodge” method just in case the engine brakes down during an excursion. Because we don’t want the engine to tie up the line.

And now Gordon doesn’t have to listen to all those mechanically inclined people telling him what a literal waste of energy he is.

This was an exercise that we did when we were bored and there was nothing on TV.

I’m sure someone can come along and possibly suggest something better than this.

And if you’re really curious, we did run the numbers for if we just say…let’s get rid of Gordon’s firebox altogether and make him a completely electric steam engine. You know how many battery modules we would need to shove up Gordon’s tender to make that a possibility? About 100 or more. It’s why I told him that it’ll be better if Gordon was a hybrid.  It’s just not practical to power up a steam engine using lithium batteries.

So we’re supplementing Gordon’s power with WVO and the batteries. Adding the electric traction motors…aka the 3.5 Model S motors. And using electric motors to supplement the steam power, allowing the boiler to run at lower PSI and fuel input rates, and increase overall efficiency.

I think we got a steam locomotive even the diesels will be jealous of. Yay?

All we need to do is get Tesla involved.

Remember, this is just a fun theory we worked out, and I’m still tweaking it as I go as I discover new things about modern steam power.

HEY, ELON!  HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO INVEST IN THE MOST ADVANCED AI IN THE WORLD...THAT’S LITERALLY CAPABLE OF ABSTRACT THOUGHT?!  We call him Gordon Gresley.

[faean]

Adamance of a Dragon

Collaborator: @i-am-here-with-fanfic.

Rating: T+; Language and Mild “Sexual” Content

Word Length: 1,863

Chapter 5- The Night(s) Before … And Day(s)

           “Jesus fucking Noah Aaron, do you have to knock so loud? And why’re you here so bleedin’ early,” I yawned, stepping aside to let Aaron enter my house. “Ugh, I’m regretting taking the exam now. It’s been a week and I’m still recovering. I can’t believe I let the principal talk me into it after getting in on recommendations … then again, I never took the recommendation exam.”

           He was out of breath, clearing having rushed over to my place. He certainly is excited about the exam results; which is made more evident by the lion’s mane of hair he sported, having forgone styling…

           Huh. Disheveled lion’s mane. Two large bangs framing his face. Striking blue eyes. Aaron looked like the perfect union between Aria and that skeleton man. And, if that skeleton man and All Might were … ah, fuck it. I don’t wanna think too much right now. My migraine is still terrible.

           “Well, you shouldn’t have unsealed your Prudentia form so soon after the exam. And it’s noon! Besides, I want to know our scores! I really hope I got into the general course, even though you and mom talked me into applying for the hero course as well.”

           We sat on the couch as I grabbed my letter from the coffee table. Per Aria’s request, I was tested as any other student would have been, being graded and everything, despite my recommendations from the States. If it were not for the days spent filling out paper work, I would think I actually had to take the exam. At least now I get my provisional license back, albeit with some added restrictions.

           “All right, on the count of three, Aaron.”

           “One.” Aaron and I held our letters in our hands, him sitting on the edge of his seat. “Two.” We began to tug on the envelope, excitement fueling our every action. “Three!”

           In two swift moves, we tore open our envelopes, two metal disks slipping out and onto the table in front of us. The disk projected a hologram of none other than All Might. Apparently, he’ll be teaching at U.A. from now on. Admittedly, we were hoping there would be some sort of sync up until it got to our scores, but it would seem that each video was fairly personalized.

           To summarize, Aaron and I were both accepted into U.A. Aaron got a total of 47 points, 23 villain, 24 hero. This would have almost qualified him for the hero course, if not for his current skill level with his quirk and his low scoring on the written exam (he’s prone to anxiety). Thankfully, having also applied to the general course, he was placed in the high end of class 1-C; which he was incredibly grateful for.

           I was already in the hero course, and the exam ranked me third, having tied with another student who got into the hero course. I believe her name was Uraraka? I think that’s her family name and the one I’m supposed to refer to.

           “Oh! How did unsealing your Prudentia form go? Your legs don’t seem damaged.”

           “It went well. I’m now able to use air and earth magic without repercussions to my body by channeling it properly. Although, it gives me such a migraine. And I can’t hold my form for more than an hour, otherwise it starts breaking my body down again. Excessive magic use shortens my time, too.”

           “Is that why your speech is slurred and you’re using contractions?”

           I nod, leaning back into the plush cushions of the couch. We spent some time just talking about our expectations of the school, as well as some of the rules we have to follow. I haven’t been in an actual class in a few years and having to wear a uniform is rather annoying. Fortunately, Aaron did some research over the week (he read the paper letter in the envelope) and he schooled me.

           I should also mention that I told him that pun and it earned me a punch to the shoulder.

           “In any case, you rushed over the moment you woke up, didn’t you? I bet you got the mail when mum was still at work and didn’t tell her yesterday. C’mon, let’s make some lunch, then head out to the mall later. We need supplies for school, and maybe a few extra clothing items.”

           With that said, I made a zucchini casserole for us to share as we continued to plan out our day. Aside from the mall, I need to head to the market to pick up groceries, Aaron and I need our uniforms, and we want to visit mum at work.

           After washing the dishes, downing about … 17 cups of espresso, and taking stock of what I need from the market, I went to go change, too tired to use my magic to shift my clothing.

           From across the house, Aaron began to talk about his ice-skating try-outs tomorrow. “Hey, Faian, do you think you could take me to the ice rink tomorrow? Try-outs are in the afternoon and I don’t want to bother mom while she’s at work.”

           Shouting from my room, as Aaron lacked my enhanced senses, I let him know that I would. After all, I need to take some leisure time lest I wish to miss the first day of school. Perhaps Todoroki would like to hang out, or I could meet up with some of the people I met during the exam. Whichever option I chose, I would undoubtedly require some support, evident by my donning of several compression bands and my glasses.

           With both Aaron and I ready to head out, neither of us bothering to fix our hair, we made our way to the garage.

           “Gods, there are a lot of people.”

           That was the first thing to leave my mouth after I drove us to the mall (after stopping at Aaron’s so he could pick up his wallet). In fact, Aaron was nervous about us getting separated and asked if I could unseal my tail to wrap around him; which I agreed to do. We wandered around for a bit, window shopping and trying to find a place where we could get clothes.

           We did have an accident, though. We passed by a place that had a load of All Might merch. Aaron had entered, hoping to get something for Aria, but quickly returned empty handed.

           His face the same color as his hair, he wrapped my tail around himself rather tightly. His voice was shaky when he demanded, “Do NOT let me go again. I didn’t realize that was an adult shop…”

           With a small chuckle, I replied. “Well, considering the shop is called ‘Hero’s Fantasy’, you probably should have known better.”

           “At least you aren’t slurring anymore. Anyway, let’s continue. There’s a map over there that we can look at, just … there were so many molds of-”

           “Moving on!”

           Continuing on our merry way, we found a pants store. I enjoyed the selection available, settling on several pairs of blue jeans after trying them, and listening to Aaron make jabs at me for choosing form-fitting jeans. Unfortunately, I could not make any retorts without incriminating myself.

           Spending the next few hours exploring and buying supplies, and stopping for some smoothies, we decided to call it a day; however, as we made our way to the parking lot, we got caught up in a villain attack. It was small scale; the villain having robbed a shop from the mall. Security was struggling to keep them contained and maintain the perimeter. With merely a glance, Aaron and I sprung into action (after storing our stuff in the car).

           Aaron aided security in the attempt to keep people from getting hurt. He placed his needles around the scene so police tape could be set up. I unsealed my Prudentia form, wanting to get more practice with it (it was also the only thing my quirk could sustain at the moment).

           Fortunately, from what I could gather, the villain had a simple augmenting quirk that boosted their strength and speed; the perfect combination for me to practice against.

           My body changing with each step I took; I began to resemble what most would call a Greek figure. I stood about 2 meters tall, my silver hair extending past my waist, a pattern of auburn dreadlocks and various flora adorning it. Wearing a Greek fustanella, knee high gladiator sandals, and bronze vambraces, my look was complete with a literal lightning bolt etched across my bare chest. Well, there was also the fact that my left eye was composed of a lightning storm while my right eye looked like a forest with mountains in the background (magic is fun).

           Flashing my provisional license to the head of security, he approved my involvement so long as I kept collateral damage to a minimum. Easy enough.

           Confronting the villain, I attempt to resolve the situation with diplomacy. “How unfortunate, I must say, that you got caught so very quickly. Let us avoid a brawl and you return what was stolen. Perhaps we may come to an agreement with the authorities, no?”

           Nope.

           Not even bothering to answer, the villain charged me recklessly, ‘dropping’ their bag of pilfered goods in the process (I slipped it from their grasp via some vines). Once in range, I swept their legs before doing an electrically charged hammer kick, slamming them into the ground. Unfortunately, the villain’s quirk also gave them some added durability, otherwise they would not have been able to retaliate.

           Grabbing my leg while still on the ground, they tossed me towards the gathering crowd. Rolling my eyes, I caught myself in midair, solidifying the air by my feet to make footholds. With a meager wave of my hand upward, a gale of wind encircled the inner perimeter Aaron helped create. Using the villain’s momentary confusion to my advantage (they also noticed they no longer had the stolen items), I deepened my focus and cast a powerful entrapment spell.

           “Shattered Mind.”

           Just like that, the battle ended. The earth rose around the villain to restrict their movement while an electrical charge surged through their brain to force them into a nightmare-plagued slumber. After that, I helped restore the area to normal before taking my leave with Aaron. I sealed my form once we got into the car, returning into my previous state and dealing with a headache.

           “I forgot you created that form when you were really into Greek and Roman myth back in elementary school. Are you sure you’re fit to drive?”

           “Yeah, just need my sunglasses and some Beethoven. Or maybe Queen.”

           “Definitely Queen. You’ll probably fall asleep listening to Moonlight Sonata.”

           Agreeing, I gave my phone to Aaron to make a selection before driving off towards the grocery store. After, we will visit Aria at work and I will drop Aaron off at his house, returning to mine after. Then, I am going to rest in bed until school starts. I cannot be bothered to go out again.

           Except to take Aaron to his tryouts and watch him perform.

Beta Reader, Collaborator, Owner of Aria and Aaron Granchester, and Creator of the Illegitimate Son storyline- @i-am-here-with-fanfic.

[kinetic-elaboration]

February 5: Thoughts on The 100 2x03 Reapercussions

I am very tired and I should sleep but instead I’m going to bring my The 100 rewatch project out of hiatus yet again with Episode 2x03: Reapercussions.

I miss Anya so much!!!!! This is mostly my Dichen Lachman obsession showing but also the way she gives Clarke that ‘yeah, whatever’ look when Clarke says she’ll get her out of the cage... your Grounder fave could never.

The show honestly peaked with S2 and after this it should have abandoned all attempts at edginess because nothing will ever be more Pure Nightmare Fuel than the Mount Weather Grounder Cages.

Clarke/Anya: the ship that almost was.

So when Clarke takes Anya out of the prison room, she opens a door that says “End Containment Area” and underneath that it says “U.S. Department of Homeland Security, Mount Weather Containment Protocol.” And people really thought JRoth made this up omg learn some history.

Considering how they left things (Anya literally trying to kill her and all her friends) it’s actually pretty impressively selfless and magnanimous on Clarke’s part to not just rescue her, but immediately and unthinkably rescue her. On the other hand, Anya feels some remorse for leaving her people whereas Clarke’s like ‘here are some clothes [even though those random bandages are holding up pretty well??], let’s get a move on!’ (I know she intended to come back for them and she was being smart and practical but from the pov of, say, Jasper or Monty, this is cold as hell of her.)

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: early S2 Clarke is Peak Clarke: smart, sly, practical, brave.

Byrne mentions Earth Skills teacher “Davis” as being part of the search team for Bell et. al. My question: how many Earth Skills teachers did they have lol?

I fucking love this crashed-ship aesthetic omg I forget how much I love it and then I see it again....

“On the Ark, you did anything you wanted, without a second thought about the consequences.” Like mother, like daughter.

I ALSO miss Jasper and Maya. I’m probably like the lone person out there who still remembers them fondly but they were basically perfect because they were sweet but with the potential for a lot of darkness as well, my favorite combination.

WHERE’S MY ART SCHOOL JAYA AU?

So actually fun fact, that isn’t how the art work would have been stored in Mount Weather. They had special containers for the paintings to protect them and like a special cart thing to transport them quickly from their old homes to the bunker I read a book.

No one ever characterizes him this way sufficiently imo but Monty is really quite uptight in a way. Like first: don’t cockblock him man. And second: just chilll. This is probably why he used to smoke weed.

“Trouble? It’s Clarke. Whatever she’s up to, I’m sure she can handle it.” I mean.... he’s not wrong.

Except for the part where she’s covered in dead bodies. But even then...

So I always felt like the main point of the Reapers was as kind of a zombie police force for Mount Weather: to keep the Grounders scared of the Mountain, so they won’t poke around in it too much. Though of course they also collect Grounders, which is helpful, since the Mountain Men can’t walk that far from their home base (and, as stated, they probably want to keep most of that area Grounder-free anyway). But it occurs to me now that a third use of the Reapers is like dead-body collectors? The Mountain dumps the dead bodies out the trap door, and the Reapers take them away and eat them. So gross and efficient all at once. Mount Weather’s motto basically.

Murphy and his creating-a-distraction stones are still one of the funniest jokes this show has ever pulled, though if it were a quicker reveal after “something like that” it would be funnier.

Never mind, Bellamy appearing out of the bush is true underrated comedy gold,

That said, I feel like everything outside of the Mount Weather and Clarke stories here is filler.

Love! That! Ship!

Major Byrne says that Kane is on the verge of losing control of the camp but... I dunno.... everyone seems to be working together pretty well? Maybe if they had diversified the cast a little, not in terms of yet more Grounders but, like, non-leaders of the Ark, that would be more clear????

Okay, well, admittedly, when the Grounder prisoner is brought in they do start a mini-mob, lol. Also one of the delinquent’s fathers is shot, it would be cool if we knew who he was?? ETA: and then he dies and Abby’s like “does he have any family?” lol he just said that his son was one of the 100 so like obviously he does??

The costuming people, like the set people, really are the geniuses of this show. I love Clarke and Anya’s outfits, and Clarke’s hair somehow being both grungy and beautiful like THAT’s the apocalypse style I wanna see.

Also they absolutely 100% would have gotten together in the S2-S3 hiatus if Anya hadn’t been killed off.

“You saved my life because you needed me” IS true but she also did it absolutely without hesitation, even knowing Anya really quite truly hates her, so this speaks either to some foolhardy bravery mixed in with her practical thoughts, or just straight compassion, or both. I guess that sort of is a Clarke thing. She can be a grudge holder (seriously don’t tell me she isn’t: Wells????) but her grudges are NEVER more important than hard-nosed practical problem-solving.

Time for some gratuitous torture. Honestly, I like Season 2, it’s probably my favorite season, but it has some MAJOR filler problems. Like when it’s good it’s THE BEST but then other times it just doesn’t know how to fill 40 minutes so it resorts to pointless diversions (like Bellamy rappelling down the side of a mountain to save a character who is literally never seen again? for some reason?) or just straight out ugly violence for screaming’s sake (Raven’s surgery, Raven’s Grounder torture, Abby’s shocklashing, etc.) Like honestly I can’t even watch this. I’m just gonna browse tumblr until it’s done.

The Arkers really like the concept of “confessing” don’t they?

Like okay I’m not done WHAT IS THE POINT of this? It all but kills the whole Kabby vibe (I still lowkey ship them but sometimes I think...why?), it’s truly painful to watch, and it has no plot purpose AT ALL not even world-building because, lol, we know the writers don’t care to flesh out Camp Jaha in any real way.

Murphy is taking such sad glee out of instigating Finn’s madness/violence. The Luci of The 100 for sure.

This Bellamy story line is boring though I’m sorry. Some of these scenes (the Clarke or Mount Weather ones) I could watch a million times but this is like... kay, I know what happens already. So.

“There are some lines you can’t uncross.” I mean I think this show has actually shown that’s pretty untrue since people get over almost everything pretty fast. There’s always another horrific thing to do and/or experience!

Yeah my bitterness is seeping in.

Anyway when you come into an interrogation knowing what the “right” answer is, you’ll never learn anything, take note, stupid teenager boys + U.S. law enforcement.

Like honestly this Grounder is 500000x smarter than they are. He saves himself and rains gunfire and destruction upon his enemies. (Well, saves himself for a few minutes--but at least he got to cause harm to those he hates!)

“You thought I was the crazy one, huh?” Was Murphy ever crazy, though, or was he just coldly vengeful?

Speaking of coldly vengeful, Byrne could have been a potentially interesting character? Maybe? I’m not really into the type but as I said I want more Arkers wherever I can find them. And Kane needs real opposition. I have sympathy for him to a degree, but I also think he ultimately weakens rather than strengthens himself.

I love when Monty calls bullshit on stuff. “I can’t see Clarke? Try and fucking stop me, bitches.”

Jasper has such a big heart. Truly the emotional core of this friendship.

I like how Kane speaks as if his “diplomatic mission” of adults is so vastly different than Bellamy and Finn just going off on their own I mean, Byrne is little better than Finn? They’re both easily frustrated and fond of torture? It’s just that Byrne understands a chain of command--barely--that’s literally it.

How does it make literally any sense at all to shocklash a person one hour and make her the Chancellor the next? Like you’ve just encouraged the populace to think of her as nothing special, not above the embarrassing public application of extreme pain--but yes by all means expect them to fall into line behind her leadership. I mean I guess this sort of works if she was already somehow beloved (I guess I’m supposed to just believe that?) and now more sympathy has been generated for her--but such sympathy would seem to come at the expense of Kane. It would seem to be the opposite of what he, or really Byrne, was going for with that disgusting display. But whatever memory is a fiction I guess.

And they have this swelling-music romantic eye-fuck goodbye like??? He was just beating you!! JUST NOW!

What I’m getting out of Murphy advocating for killing the Grounder: first, he has a clear, cold, practicality not unlike Clarke, and two, he still thinks of the delinquents as his friends--how sweet. Two days ago he was killing them, holding them hostage, and stealing their ammo before a huge battle but still. Bygones.

This is not a great ep. for Bellamy leadership lol.

Finn executes a man, while wearing Clarke’s watch, in the place they had sex. Seems...symbolic?? IDK it’s late lol.

I miss Nyko a lot but also now that I’ve seen (part of) Slasher I’m not entirely sure I can ever see Ty Olsson in the same light.

Wouldn’t it be funny if they were literal brothers? Because I always assumed this was metaphorical but...was it? WAS IT?

Weird note to end on, I know. If patterns hold, it’ll be another 2-3 months before I do this again but I’ll try to be a little more on the ball about it.