#literally the stuff of my dreams but it wasn't real and i'm hurting so bad

[clownpassing]

sorry for context i'm sad rn bc i've been sad all day and i hit my friend's gravity bong so now i'm sad with less control over it. anyways i think something i've been struggling with is i talked to nick recently about his interest in hooking up and he basically was like 'yeah it's actually not you it's me and i don't want things to go south with what we have just in case something happens during sex'. which like i really appreciate him saying all that because it's a very helpful response. my thing now is i'm sad because yeah i'm doing my best to get myself out there and find people to date/hook up with but i know nobody's gonna kiss me like he did that night i took him home. and i've been yearning to be kissed in that exact way for fucking years now and i kind of gave up on it but now that i had like a little sample i'm just frustrated anew because why don't i have fucking anybody to kiss me like that. oh my god

[lixies-favorite-cookie]

Don't cry over spilled milk ◦ l.f

-Accidents happen is an easy thing to say when your daughter didn't just dump a cup of milk on your husband's new black carpet and all of a sudden— you can't breathe

Paring◦ Dad!Lee Felix x Mom!Reader

Words◦ 1633

Genre ◦ Hurt and comfort, ngl this was like really angsty and I didn't mean for it to be 😭, definitely fluffy towards the end though

Warnings ◦ Kinda points towards the fact that the reader might have been abused, descriptions of the readers father being an asshole, talk about abuse, the term beating black and blue, crying, spilled milk, Felix being sickeningly sweet, overuse of love, descriptions of bad dreams, trauma, bleeding, bad thoughts, and wounds (all these are metaphors).

Taglist◦@thetoastghost222I hope you like it <33

A/N ◦this is just something simple and cute I cooked up real fast I didn't really put too much thought into it honestly I just let my brain go also don't judge me but I literally just looked up "cute Korean girl names that mean sunshine" in the search engine and picked the first thing so... also I'm going to be reuploading all my old stuff into my new blog in one fair swoop soooo I'm rereading this and there's something about my writing I have always noticed is off so if anybody can point it out/ give me advice I would literally appreciate it so much

~cookiecreates 🍪

You took "Don't cry over spilled milk" very seriously because it took every fiber of your being not to sob when Ha-Yun's glass of milk dropped on Felix's new carpet, throwing a vibrant white stain on the expensive black furnishing. You really don't know how many different adjectives your brain could come up with to describe the horror you felt pounding in your heart.

It was as though this moment was a portal into the deepest caverns of your mind—a key that unlocked a swarm of memories flickering in the back of your brain like fireflies. You squeeze your eyes shut, pushing back the flood of bad feelings that seem to wash over you quicker than you can wipe them away—You're transported back to those days when your head was high and your hands were small, spilling milk on your dad's new carpet. You were so little, so naive, you didn't know that the world wasn't all butterflies and unicorns; that milk stained and dads got mad. You vowed to be the parent who held their baby's hand as they picked it up, smiling when they threw the dirty towel in the trash. 

Accidents happen.

Accidents happen.

Accidents happen.

But you don't know if that's what Felix vowed to do, and with the carpet being 600 dollars, you wouldn't be surprised if he beat the poor girl black and blue.

Just like your dad did. 

Your fingers tremble as you grip the cup in your hands, the world seems to swirl around you, swimming in all your bad dreams. It only took a teaspoon to die and a bad thought to drown. How easy it is to be pulled under the waves when you're vulnerable. You thought you kept the sea at bay, but even the most experienced divers can get pulled into a riptide. 

The cup clatters in the sink, startling you out of your thoughts. Ha-Yun babbles in the corner, throwing cheerios to the ground. This was all your fault; you shouldn't have put her high chair in the living room. 

All your fault.

All your fault.

All your-

The lock clicks.

Your heart drops, plummeting into the grave in which you buried all your pain. You scramble to find something to cover the stain. In all your panic, you forget that shit doesn't magically go away, sticking to your skin like syrup dripping down your spine. Everything was spinning in your vision as your lungs contracted, you wondered if you could really drown in theoretical oceans, especially the ones that occupied your mind.

It all seemed so silly as Felix's frame came into view, like he was made entirely from watercolor pouring down the page. You threw the towel over the mess, attempting to conceal your sobs.

Maybe he'll walk away.

Maybe he's too tired to notice.

Maybe you can spare his wrath.

“Love,” Felix's deep voice floats into your ears like cotton candy disintegrating under the waves of words you drown in. Scars were never promises on the skin; the human body is a delicate chemistry, and with the right motivation, it can crumble.

You snap. Break apart. Succumb to the river of sentences that stuck to your skin, like honey and glass. Time heals all wounds, but what about the ones that never scar, never scab? What about the ones whose vile words poisoned the flesh, eating away at your soul? Time doesn't heal all wounds because sometimes wounds are just too deep. Strong arms wrap around your huddled frame, your face drawn to your knees. 

“I-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." you sob mindlessly, it was as though your younger self control—caught in a weird form of fight or flight—dissociating from reality.

“Sorry? Sorry for what, love?” He whispers, dropping to the floor and pulling you onto his lap. He's so gentle, so calm, so completely opposite of any love you have ever felt or any father you have ever seen.

"Milk-" You choke; your words getting caught in your throat. You dig your face into his shoulder. "She spilled the milk on the carpet. I'm so sorry." The tears keep coming as though you're bleeding all the emotions you had kept under wraps for too long; it was like an infection, and Felix's loving arms cleansed your wounds.

"Oh, love," he coos, petting your hair, "didn't anybody ever tell you not to cry over spilled milk." You can't help but chuckle, a weird mix between a sniffle and a sob. 

You must look like such a wreck right now—face blotchy and red, snot dripping down your nose, tears pouring down your cheeks—you look like you just crawled out of the pits of hell, and he still looks at you like you're the most beautiful woman he's ever laid his eyes on.

In that moment, you feel so silly, so stupid, kinda wanting to crawl back into the pits of hell from which you came. You should have known he wasn't going to react the way your father had. Felix was nothing like the man; he was kind, he was gentle, he was all sunshine and smiles, he was safe.

"I'm sorry for being such a wreck." You cuddle deeper into his chest, sniffling into his shirt. 

"Never be sorry for being human, and especially, never be sorry for showing me." It took everything in you not to break down again, letting his strong arms hold you while you scrubbed all the syrup from your soul, but you have a baby and a mess on the carpet that will be ten times harder to clean if you leave it sitting.

"I'll go get another towel," you sniffle, wiping the tears from your cheeks.

"Don't," he pulls you back down on his lap, “Put your arms around me.” You lock your hands behind his neck, yelping when he picks you up bridal style.

“What- Felix, what are you doing?” You squeal as he walks you to the couch, laying you gently on the cushions.

“I'm showing you how to clean up spilled milk,” He smirks like you didn't just destroy his 600-dollar carpet; his attitude genuinely baffles you.

"How are you not mad?” You whispered, dazed, your mind turning into mush. He tilts your chin up, peering at you with a soft smile and kind eyes. Your breath hitches, little heart eyes popping in your pupils. 

"Accidents happen, love, you never grow out of’em." You melt, literally disintegrating into a pile of goo on the couch.

"D-Do you, um, D-Do you need help?" You stutter, blinking harshly to try and gather your thoughts. It was as if his gentle heart short-circuited your tangled wires—knotted from years of wear and lack of care. 

"You just sit there and look pretty, and I'll show you why you shouldn't cry over spilled milk." He kisses you softly, smiling on your skin, "Okay, baby," he breathes, passion crackling between your lips, "You just keep-" Ha-Yun screeches, slapping her high chair full of Cheerios. Felix groans, tipping his forehead to touch yours. 

"You know, one of these days we've got to get a babysitter. I don't know how long I can stand just being able to admire my beautiful wife from afar," your cheeks burn as you tilt your head down bashfully, "Well maybe we can do that when milk isn't marinating on the floor," he claps, jumping up from his arched position, "yep, your right, jeez baby, you really know how to pull me away from a task."

You cheese, pulling the collar of your shirt over your face. "Go on," you shoo him away, "You were going to teach me something."

He smirks, walking over to the kitchen, pulling the roll of paper towels off the counter and tossing them down next to the mess, unlocking Ha-Yun's highchair to lift her out of it.

"What are you-"

"Shh sit there and look pretty," The way his eyes sparkle and his lips tilt makes him appear almost mischievous. You sink back into the couch, folding your arms in front of your chest, assessing him intently. Ha-Yun beams when she sees Felix, waving her arms around, spitting gobbly gook.

"Oh is that right, well I couldn't have ever guessed," he nods attentively like she just stated the stages of evolution, "Well, as much as I love this conversation, baby, you are going to need to clean up your mess". He chastises her gently, and she frowns, glaring at him, he lifts his brows in retort.

"You know you've got a lot of sass for a 4-year-old," he grumbles "Probably got it from your momma," he sends you a look, lips curled up in a smirk. Your jaw drops in faux offense.

"You know what-" he puts his finger to his lips, cutting you off.

"Were you this bad in school? Cause the teacher," he gestures to himself, "is teaching."

"I'm gonna-"

"Looking pretty," He singsongs, a smile playing on his lips. You bite your cheek, holding back your glare. He snickers, placing her down next to the milk—putting a paper towel in her tiny hands.

"Can you help daddy clean it up please," he squats down to her level, stretching his fingers over hers. She blinks down at the splattered milk. You can almost see the gears turning in her head when he starts carefully moving her hand back and forth over the mess. 

"See!" he cheers, his eyes glowing with pride, "Accidents happen, you just gotta learn to clean them up."

Watching the scene unfold before you fills you with an obscene form of bliss, like you have achieved one of life's greatest victories—that maybe all dads weren't raging assholes that yelled when you spilled milk because, like Felix said, accidents happen—you never grow out of'em.

©CookieCreates (posted: June, 26th 2024) All rights reserved. Do not translate, copy, or claim my works as yours! I only post on this platform so if any of my works are elsewhere, report and notify me immediately.

[sunsetcdiscs]

Grr.. i love discussions about the normalization of bad things for teenagers/ kids, whether it be fictional or real. Esp as someone who has had that happen 2 me

And i think it's smth that's very prevalent in ctommy's story.

C!tommy is chaotic on his own, so in a way he already had violence somewhat normalized? And I think all these little things add up to how he later treats his relationships w others, and specifically what actions he's willing to let others get away with.

There are, ofc, Loads of things that later normalize violence even more (wars, all the conflicts in general). But in my opinion, one of the biggest things that normalizes violence that is Specifically Towards c!tommy, was the fight in the pit w c!techno. C!techno beat c!tommy to a pulp, all the while c!wilbur was cheering and egging him on in the back.

Then ofc exile rolls around, and c!dream literally hits him w an axe right in the first vod. But that's okay, it's not like violence is Unusual, right? He goes through that week not questioning every time c!dream hits him, only questioning why he has to give up his stuff (<- this is smth that's never really talked about when ppl discuss ctommy's sentimentality for objects ? When rewatching the exile vods, i genuinely don't think there was a moment where ctommy went "hey, why are u hitting me?" it was always just "hey, why are u taking the stuff that I worked hard for?").

And then he runs away but ends up living with Mr. " ''minor'' terrorism". Can you see how that really wouldn't be good for c!tommy? Then when they go to l'manburg, it Allll piles up and c!tommy ends up hurting c!fundy and c!connor.

I've seen ppl before say that they ignore this lore moment bc it doesn't make sense, but to me it makes So much sense? Ofc a teenager who is constantly and consistently surrounded by a violent environment/people is going to be influenced by it? Ntm ppl say that they love c!tommy bc he's an imperfect character, and is this not a big part of what makes him imperfect?

One of the biggest reasons Why c!tommy left c!techno was because he realized it was further normalizing violence. Because he realized that He didn't want to be violent anymore

("Techno, if this is what I've become, then I don't wanna be me anymore, man."

"I'm worse than everyone I've hated- I'm worse than everyone I didn't wanna be *looks at cdream*").

C!tommy's talk with c!connor at the end of the community house destruction stream will always be So important to me

("For what it's worth, Tommy, I don't know what went on today, but- Even though you kidnapped me and I'm still kinda dealing with a bit of the trauma, I think that at the end of the day; you're just a conflicted person, not a bad person." SCREAMING VRYING THEOING UPP)

And a convo that's even More important to me, is the one w c!sapnap near the start of the doomsday stream, where c!tommy acknowledges that what he did was Bad, and that it was because of influence from the environment around him

("Sapnap, I'm so sorry, that you did that, and that I made you do that because.. it wasn't right of me. And I-I shouldn't... I shouldn't take out.. ANY of the fucked up shit thats happened to me o- on other people, and I'm sorry." AUGHHHHHHH CTOMNYYY VTOMYYY AJAN)

[ln-stories]

Leviathan's Mc!

This is the third drawing and headcannons of my mini series with the obey me charachers and their custom mcs. Previously i did Mammon's mc if you want you can check my page. After alot of thought i decided to make Levi's mc next. I'm accepting request for the next characher reccomentations, Ty for reading and enjoy!.

(Apologies for any grammar mistakes.)

Third Leviathan's MC

Warnings: Spoiler alert of the lessons, small swear words.

Heacannons:

This mc (he/him)

Personality: energetic, optimistic, shy sometimes Really Forgetful, aloof, secretly a Weeb, sensitive (very sensitive if someone bully him about his horns. Protect at all costs.)

1)This Mc is a medium size fella not to big not too small. A perfect size with much floof. He always have a pink blush in his face, He doesn't know why XDDD

2)when he arrived at devildom he was the only one that was asleep. When he woke up he was thinking that everything was a dream (bad one since he was seeing demons surrounding him). Poor guy had an existential crisis when he learned that it wasn't a dream.

3)At first he wouldn't get out of his room at all. He was really scared. Lucifer assignmented Levi to guide him in the devildom since this Mc showed a very introverted nature with them. Lucifer also hoped that Levi would find a new friend since he was locked himself in his room. 

4)The first meeting was awkward.. VERY awkward, With Levi repeating calling everyone a normie including the mc. This backfired with a big surprise cuz this mc is secretly a weeb, as one manga comic of an anime series that the mc was watching fell on the floor.

5)After that they has a duel what realm has the better anime and games. The jealousy and tesion was so intence you could cut it with a knife XDDD. They had a big rivalry with eachother proving the superiority of their favourite series and games. (i imagine the MC doing jojo poses and Levi be like "WTF am i watching now???")

6)After the TSL showdown, Mc was really hurt with Leviathan actions, both of them took some time to cool off. Levi admitted that Mc won and decided to make peace with them, earning Leviathan pact. (the pact mark is visible on one of Mc's ears).

7)This mc had many incecurities and it turns out he was bullied alot in RAD. One of Mc's incecurities is that he didn't had any horns compared to other mcs of this series. 

8) Slowly both leaviathan and mc started hanging out exhanging games and anime series that they should try out. They bonded over the colorful characters and funny scenes to the point they turned thing into regular meetings in Levi's room.

9) Both of them failing classess Miserably since they spend alot of time together playing very late at night. They almost had to repeat a year.

10) Leviathan and Mc have a wholesome relationship mostly, thought sometimes Levi jealousy and incecurities gets in the way.

11) Levi and Mc had alot of deep talks with their gaming sessions. Levi always remembered that they were incecure about not having horn like the others. Sooo Levi decided to do something about it.

12) Since Levi is a premium member of Akuzon... He decided to buy secret magic horns for the mc as a token of appreciation for all the good times they had so far. (The mc loved them and wore them everyday, the bullies got real quiet after that XDD). Also gifts are also an often thing that Levi does to mc, whitch include manga and special limited stuff.

13) After some time Levi and Mc are inseparable, either they are hanging out to levi room, or Mc's room. Not anywhere near outdoors. (only on events with the others, otherwise outside? Big no)

14) Levi is getting jealous alot when the Mc is hanging out with someone else other than him. Overthinking alot that the mc doesn't care for him anymore. (whitch is not true). Well he is the avatar of envy, its literally his first nature.. 

15) Sometimes his jealous issues are getting severe alot sometimes he doesn't act upon them, sometimes he does.. and when it does he doesn't let mc out of his room, making excuses for "cmon one more episode mcccc pleaseee! It's about to get good!!".

16) The mc is guarding Levi rooms at times whenever he away so that Mammon doesn't steal stuff or money. One time Mammon tried to steal a limited edition ruri-chan figuring and it didn't end well for Mammon since Mammon's mc will drag his ass away and apologize for him to the mc and Levi.

17) Mammon's mc and Leaviathan's mc have a very wholesome bond. Kind of like a wholesome sibling bond. Whitch is soo cuteee.

18) Sometimes the mc with levi will play online with the angels luke and simeon. Lets say we all know who wins those online games XDDD. (poor luke and simeon RIP)

19)This mc is very forgetful sometimes, when events are coming up, Levi is always making sure to remind them and ask them if they wanna go together. (sooo wholesome and shyy)

20) After RAD ended The mc didn't wanna return to the human realm, He got too attached to the devildom. He visits the human realm from time to time but he usually likes to stay at the devildom with his favourite person Levi. He made connections with the others as well. (closest friendships Mammon, Levi, simeon, luke and Mammon's mc)

Thank you for reading! i'm accepting requests for the next characher and the custom mc. Have a nice day!

[pbandjesse]

I am trying to be positive but today was a hard day. I just felt so sad. I kept having that "I want to go home" feeling, even though I was sitting in my own living room. It was hard.

Some of it was another night of sleeping terribly. I was up every couple hours. I was having very strong and strange dreams. I was just not having fun. I don't remember James leaving. I do remember rolling over into their spot. And waking up around 830.

When I did wake up for real I was pretty upset. I would just lay here for a while and would stop feeling so dizzy. Which was something. I was very stressed about not feeling baby moving enough. I felt like she was moving a lot on Monday but not a ton yesterday. And so I was very aware all day and was just trying to will her to move. And she would, but still I wish it was more. I needed the reassurance.

James left me an omelette. I got up and dressed and just tried to be cozy. It was cold today. I warned up the food James left for me. And tried to feel alright.

My big plan was to go to Ollie's to pick up the period underwear I saw the other day. I would poke around the house for a little bit first. But eventually I got myself together and bundled up and headed out.

It wasn't a bad drive. I was enjoying my music. And I got to Ollie's and had fun looking around. I found the period underwear and got two more pairs. And spent a half hour just wandering around. I was disappointed that they didn't have much baby stuff. I did get two packs of wipes for $2 though. And while I didn't find baby things I did find two mirrors that look like windows and I was very excited about those. James would hang them for me later on.

I paid and headed back out into the cold. There was a big lots across the street and they are going out of business so I went to look there too. But the whole store made me feel uncomfortable and the sales were pretty abysmal for a place going out of business. So I didn't buy anything.

Instead I thought I would try the closest restore but it ended up being the real badly stocked one. I still walked around but wasn't there for long.

Honestly I just wanted to go home so bad. The entire morning my stomach hurt. Very low under my bump. And it sucks. I was not having much movement but I was having pain. And it scared me and made me feel exhausted. And like the nurses ask if I am having any cramping and this was the closest to what I would refer to as a cramp. I was just upset though and wanted to go home.

I texted James and asked if they could check the five below near the museum for the exercise ball since that was the only other thing I was planning on looking for today. James thought they came pre inflated and was like. I won't be able to bring that home on the bike. And I was like it should come in a box?? And I was correct so they were able to pick that up for me. Thank you to my husband.

When I got home I brought things inside and had my leftover poke from last night and eating did help me feel a little better.

I decided I would try and perm my eyelashes. This went wildly poorly. Literally on each eye two lashes are now up and the rest are regular straight. I'm so upset about it. And I don't have any more perm solution so I'll have to buy more. It was a whole half hour process and it didn't even work and I was having a terrible time.

I was just really upset. My stomach hurt. My baby wasn't moving enough. Everything was just hard and bad and I just got into bed and tried to be alright.

But then my nose started gushing blood and it was very distressing and I was having a horrible time.

I would eventually go downtown. I got in my new chair. And waited for James to get home. I was so happy to see them. When they got home they told me about their day and plans for the evening. They said they would make me a hash brown for dinner. And that everything was going to be okay.

But for now I was just hanging in the chair. James took a shower and would start the laundry. And hung out with me. Went and hung the window mirrors and I love how they look. Eventually they went to do some cleaning in the kitchen. And made us dinner.

Now they are doing an interview for their podcast. And I'm hanging out in bed. Just took my braids out. I may take a shower soon. I am thankfully not feeling so bad. And my belly doesn't hurt to much. And baby is moving. And I am trying hard to be positive about the good things. I have an appointment in the morning. And I hope it's a good one.

Sleep well everyone. I love you all. Please stay warm. Goodnight!

[elxgantcaptain]

My Peter and Wendy review :/

I didn't like the film >:c

But that was going to be obvious. I've not really enjoyed many of these 'live action' films of the OGs. I just found this version of Peter Pan very... Lackluster. It needed MORE, it felt like it was missing so much, it didn't explore what we wanted to see? It needed to EXPAND! Urg, it was just so frustrating. Not only that, but it felt like they took lines they knew did well in the older live action films thinking it will hold weight? NO. Do your own thing. Make something gd NEW already!

But there are SOME things I liked about the film.

Theres a lil breakdown of things I liked and didn't like under the cut. There ARE spoilers tho.

Things I LIKED

The transfer into neverland - that time stand-still thing, very interesting! Not seen that before in the transformation into neverland, I kinda liked it.

How Wendy couldn't 'see' sometimes - Such as seeing the pirates on the ocean and then the lost boys being like 'She's too grown up', it seems like an interesting concept but it wasn't really explored???

The Crocodile - NOW THATS a croc. Its huge and its eye shape and jaws are as I would have pictured a live action telling of Tick Tock, especially in the face.

Hook and Pan having a history - I'm not against the whole idea of 'Hook was once a lost boy' kinda deal, the idea of them knowing each other was pretty cool, about how he left and grew up and changed and Peter finding that growing up and evil are the same thing... And how he banished Hook because he missed his mother. Thats really sad.

Tigerlily - She's a good character and they handled the 'indians' quite well in this, down to the fact she speaks the language too. Idk but i really like how she referred to Pan as 'little brother'

Hook's explanation to Wendy - I like how Hook struggles with himself and Neverland, how he slowly started to forget his own mother and home, how he TRIED to leave Neverland after Pan banished him but couldn't get out. He was lost at sea until he was rescued by Smee. 'My time for joy is lost'

Pirates singing - I'm just a sucker for Shanties

Wendy's happy thoughts of the future - Thinking she could be happy when she starts to grow up, I found that kinda sweet.

Hook is known to be the best sword fighter - Just that.

"Do you know what really hurts about getting old? Its not the creaking bones, or the dashed dreams or even the sense of death drawing ever nearer... Its knowing that your best friend can look you in the eyes and not recognise you."

Things I DIDN'T LIKE

The acting felt so forced in places - WIth Hook it was 'I am sooo evil, don't mention hands because i have lost a hand, don't mention pan cause I want to kill him' and with the kids it was like, VERY overdramatic. 'Ohhh PEETTERRR~' yuck

Captain Hook's hook - Just... No... It literally just looks like a very bad fake hand that his hand is literally holding onto, covered by long sleeves

Wendy - Just... Wendy, she confuses me. She doesn't want to grow up but she continuously talks about growing up and sounds very mature. I suppose thats how its supposed to be? But she places blame, she calls tattletale and she just... She just doesn't seem like a believable character?

Costumes - Some of the costumes are just not... Good? I don't like Hook's overall look? Neither do I like some of the pirates and the lost boys? Its all very higgilty pigglity with the pirates outfits, which i can understand why, its stuff they may have stolen or found over the years in Neverland but it was very 'hey look I'm a pirate and I'm quirky!' and with the Lost Boys, I always thought it'd be better to wear real animal skins rather than all the fake cuddly toy looking ones?

The direction - Pick an angle, are you dark and serious or are you fun and goofy?

Neverland - Why can't it be brighter? Why does it looks so dull and boring? There are some interesting concepts there, the 'castle' they stay in along with the trees. As they enter Neverland it looks amazing and bright with the mermaids etc and then it just gets... BORING? I want to see bright colours, magic, the mysteries and beauty of an Island where things don't grow up! Where was that?

Timing felt off - The story feels rushed in some areas? Like, it didn't feel like a FAMILY at the very beginning? They didn't show Wendy's true conflict about leaving to go to boarding school, nor did they establish a good family dynamic? It felt like they rushed the croc scene and Hook's panic?

Transitions - Whats with some of these transitions between scenes? Like that random circle one after Wendy smacks Pan in the face????

The parents - Again a poke at how it didn't feel like a FAMILY? They just don't seem to react as you probably WOULD when a bunch of strange wild children enter your house without permission and trash your kid's room. And the look the mother gave towards Peter as he left, did she KNOW Peter???? Was she his sister? Descendant? IDK???

How it felt like Hook and Peter became 'friends' at the end - It wasn't fully revealed, but it felt like it was hinted at. NO.

[panlight]

The thing that always bothered me about the NM breakup was Edward stealing Bella's things as if that would make her forget him. She isn't going to forget a year romance just because you pilfered her stuff, dude! ESPECIALLY not a romance that also included a near-death experience!

The whole thing just never really worked for me in general. Like, I get what SM was going for, and if I had read it a few years earlier when I was in my Romeo & Juliet phase, it probably WOULD have worked for me. But I was already on the older side of YA when I read it so I just kept being like "all this for a high school romance?" even though like, I understand that in-universe this was a much bigger romance than that, that it was meant to be True Love and all that. But I kept being like "you dated for like six months idk."

And the other part that just didn't work for me is when Bella was like "I lost the whole family, the whole future I'd chosen" because like:

a) very few people get the future they planned when they were 17. I don't doubt that having your plans and dreams upended was hard, but the tone of like "this is the worst thing that has literally happened to anyone" sort of rubbed me the wrong way. That quote about time passing is actually beautifully written, IMO, but the "time passes . . . even for me" part made me groan.

b) the Cullens . . . had not offered her a future at this point? Edward hadn't proposed, no one had offered to turn her. When people are like "the Cullens abandoned her!" I'm always like . . . did they? IMO no one owed her any closure except Edward and Alice. When you break up with someone (or someone breaks up with you), you . . . usually stop hanging out with their family? IDK it just didn't strike me as "abandonment" that her ex-boyfriend's family 'left' her.

c) I just didn't buy that she actually cared about any of them anyway. Like I think she liked the idea of being an immortal vampire with a big family, but as of New Moon she canonically doesn't know ANYTHING about Rosalie and Jasper (because she learns that in Eclipse), and her convo with Carlisle with the stitches feels like the first meaningful conversation she's had with him. She never seems to find out Esme's full story. If the Cullens had left but Edward had stayed, do we honestly think Bella would have cared?

And then there was just the fact that she couldn't figure out he left to protect her when it was SO OBVIOUS. And in-universe this is supposed to be about her self-esteem, how she never thought of herself as worthy of him so of course he would leave her but . . . IDK. It was just so blatantly obvious that he left to protect he from a future of either danger or blood-sucking soullessness. He left after Jasper tried to eat her; it wasn't subtle. Like yes I get her self-esteem issues but she's also supposed to be stubborn and perceptive so the fact that she couldn't figure out what was really going on until like he came back and literally explained it to her repeatedly felt weird. But that could just be me.

And then the major, major problem with all this is that Edward leaving to protect her is supposed to be this noble sacrifice he made because a human life would be so much better and more fulfilling for anyone and he wants that for her because he loves her. BUT THEN BREAKING DAWN HAPPENS and being a vampire is just rainbows and sunshine and awesomeness for Bella. Which makes you go like "why did he bother leaving in New Moon?" and "why did they bother sucking the venom out in Twilight?" It creates this conflict of like "Did Edward et al lie about how bad being a vampire is?" or "Is Bella in denial?"

Stealing the stuff is very gaslight-y, yeah. It makes her question if he was real, if any of it was real, it hurt instead of helped. But in universe it's supposed to be him wanting her to have that clean break and chance at a human life but then the over-the-top happy ending of BD makes you go, "huh?" all over again.

[mypoisonedvine]

Side Effects | Bruce Banner x reader

summary: you never know what might be in the beakers at another chemist's station. you never know which of your colleagues might come along just in the knick of time to become the only antidote to your affliction.

word count: 3.6k

warnings: smut! (dub con due to sex pollen), semi-public sex (because technically someone could have walked by but unlikely), guilt/hesitance, kinda pining??, fingering, creampie,

a/n: yes, this is an accurate depiction of emergency shower protocol in a chemical lab and yes it is every lab technician's worst nightmare. thankfully the other stuff is not an accurate depiction of any known chemical, lol.

You wiped your forehead with a tired sigh, staring down at the calculations in front of you before using your pen to scribble over them before tearing out the page and throwing it away.

“You still do that by hand?” Bruce interjected, making you look up at where he was leaning in the doorway to the lab, watching you work.

“Oh, Dr. Banner!” you greeted with a smile, wondering if it was too ecstatic. You weren’t so good at the ‘playing it cool’ thing like he seemed to be.

“We have all those fancy screens and digital whiteboards, you know,” he explained as he stepped in and looked around at your work. “Not to mention the computer can do that stuff for you.”

“I know,” you scoffed, “but I always feel better doing it myself, on real paper. Not that I’m having any luck at the moment…”

"Here, I'll give them a quick look while you take a break," he offered, glancing at the numbers from over your shoulder. "You just get up and stretch your legs for a minute, doc."

You always thought it was sort of silly for him to call you that when he was a doctor as well, but you didn't complain.

Regardless, you were about to tell him that it was fine and you didn't need a break, but he was leaning in closer to take your seat and the proximity was so intimidating that you hopped up and went along with it anyways. He sat down and pondered your calculations while you circled the lab, taking a moment to appreciate how nice it felt to stand up and move around after sitting for so long.

"Your handwriting is…" Bruce trailed off, adjusting his glasses.

"Feminine and graceful?" you finished sarcastically.

"Sure," he chuckled.

"Yeah, just like me—" you started to quip, but mid-sentence you (ironically) stumbled and tripped, using a nearby table to catch yourself— but you accidentally grabbed onto a beaker, which tipped over and smashed onto the ground. The liquid inside spilled onto the floor just before you did, and you winced as you fell into the puddle of the unknown substance.

“Shit!” you hissed as you scrambled to get up, looking down at your clothes and seeing they were covered in the fluid, which was beginning to evaporate, or steam, or something. Remembering lab safety protocols, you instantly began to strip, closing your eyes and wishing Bruce hadn’t come in just before this. As you shirked your lab coat, shirt, and skirt, you walked to the emergency shower, pulling the lever and gasping when the chilly stream of water poured down on you. Bruce looked at you with wide eyes before being kind enough to turn around as you shivered and removed your bra and underwear, now completely naked and weakly scrubbing yourself with your hands in hopes that none of the chemical had gotten onto your skin.

“What is it?” he asked nervously, turning his head back enough that you could hear him over the flow of water, but hopefully not so much that he could see anything important.

“I don’t know,” you answered, “it’s not mine. It’s something Dr. Sutherland was working on…”

“Is it… are you in pain at all?” he asked, even more concerned, and you tried to decide if you could feel any effects.

“N-no…” you answered hesitantly. You felt hot, and strange, and you were covered in rolling chills, but you figured that was just the situation you were in— naked in a tepid shower in front of your coworker who just so happened to be incredibly sexy.

“I should call poison control,” Bruce offered as he reached for his cell phone.

“No, I’m fine,” you denied as the water flow slowed down and you wiped your face, confident that you looked like a complete mess— but at least you saved yourself from whatever was in that beaker, right?

“Here,” Bruce offered an emergency blanket to you after pulling it off a nearby shelf, and it was not at all absorbent but it helped with the draft as you stepped away from the shower which was still leaking the last few drops of water onto the drain on the floor.

“Thank you,” you nodded nervously, shivering and dripping and looking back at him with no idea what to say at all.

“Do you feel alright? I should check you for burns,” he suggested. “I— I won’t look…”

“Please,” you sighed, pulling the blanket a bit to expose your chest and stomach. He brushed his hand over the skin there, making you instantly whine as heat burned just under your skin, clouding your mind and making you crave even more.

"Did that hurt?" he asked anxiously, pulling away, but you stepped closer.

"No it's… it's good, it's so good."

He furrowed his brow as he looked down at you, putting the back of his hand to your forehead. "You're burning up, doc, you must be running a fever of 105."

"Touch me more, please," you whimpered. It was like you were in a dream, everything foggy and distant, and the only time that anything made sense was when he touched you. Or maybe it was that his touch sent you further into delirium; you couldn't be sure.

He gasped when he looked at your quivering legs only to find slick arousal running down the inside of them, threatening to drip onto the floor.

"Oh," he sighed.

"Please," you begged mindlessly, "Dr. Banner, I n-need you…"

"No, you need medical attention."

You whined and grabbed as his shirt, humming at the feeling of his warm skin just beneath. If the forearms that he often left exposed in rolled-up sleeves were anything to go buy, his chest was probably toned and tanned, lightly dusted with dark hair… you were all but drooling at the thought. "Please, Bruce… just help me," you pleaded, looking up into his eyes which were swirling with conflict.

"I can't," he shook his head. "I'd be taking advantage."

He must have seen the heartbreak of rejection make you wince, because he tried to soothe you with his hands resting on your arms— even just that contact making you suppress a moan.

"I've wanted this for so long," he explained, "and you— you haven't. You're unwell, you need to go to a hospital."

You sobbed a little at the idea of being taken away from him and examined by strangers, when you knew the solution was right in front of you. "No, no Bruce they'll touch me! Nobody can touch me but you, I only want you."

He scoffed, but you heard the weakness in it and you needed him to give in soon before you melted from your own hear. "You're deranged— delirious," he reiterated.

"It'll feel so good, please Bruce, I'll be so good for you— anything you want, I'll do it, I'm yours."

"Stop talking like that," he winced. "I can't… I can't."

"I need to feel you inside me, Dr. Banner, I need it more than anything. It's just gonna get worse… please, help me. I want you. I trust you."

"You'll hate me in the morning," he asserted. "God, this is so wrong…"

But much to your relief, he reached down and hesitantly slid his thick middle finger through your folds, gasping gently as he felt how wet you were. "I should t-take you somewhere private."

"No, need you now— right here," you pleaded, trying to chase his touch with your hips.

"But if someone came by—" he began to fret, glancing at the door; but his attention was turned back to you by your hands weaving into his hair.

"Nobody else stays this late, god, Bruce please I just need you so bad—"

He cut you off with a sudden kiss, which was enough on its own to make warmth bloom in your gut, but then he started to move his finger again and you shuddered with a moan that was muffled by his lips.

"Maybe I can make you come like this," he offered as he pulled back just enough to whisper to you, "would that help you? It'll take the edge off."

You bucked and moaned against his fingers, just those subtle touches driving you wild. "N-no, it has to be inside! You have to fuck me, I need your cock."

He breathed through his teeth, like he was almost considering it, but then looked away. "I can't," he shook his head.

"Can't or won't?"

He frowned. "Won't. I'll get you off with my fingers, otherwise it would be… too selfish."

"Bruce, I'm literally begging you for it," you sighed, the irritated tone that you'd intended lost in the moans he elicited by rubbing your swollen clit.

"I know," he winced, "I know and it's killing me that I can't give you what you're asking for… I swear if it wasn't like this…" he trailed off as you looked up at him with your bottom lip between your teeth.

"What would it be like?" you asked lowly. "Tell me how you would fuck me."

For all his shyness before, there was a brief switch in his demeanor as he leaned in, breath hot against your neck as he whispered, two fingers sliding into your channel at the exact moment that he spoke.

"So fucking hard."

You whimpered, knees wobbling a bit as you tried to ride his fingers— but he wasn't pushing back, wasn't giving you enough force to balance against when you sought more friction. "P-please, Bruce— I know you want to, please, please baby I need it so bad…"

"I know," he breathed, free hand cradling your face as his thumb stroked your cheek, and it was so needlessly compassionate, so effortlessly soothing that your heart had no choice but to clench at his tenderness. Other parts of you clenched as well, in much more literal ways, but the heart thing was more important.

You gingerly reached forward and palmed his cock through his pants, moaning when you felt how hard it was. "You're desperate, too," you informed him with a little smile. "It hurts, doesn't it? It aches."

"Yes," he answered tensely.

"I'm hurting too. I'm aching, for you. Please, Bruce, help me."

As he pulled back and examined your face, he chewed his lip and contemplated. He couldn't stand to see you in pain, but he couldn't comprehend what he had to do to help you. Well, okay, that's not totally accurate because he had actually "comprehended" the idea of making love to you plenty of times. But that was just a fantasy, a very misguided one that he only indulged in in his weakest moments. And in those fantasies, shockingly enough, you were always completed lucid and of sound mind and body. He sadly could not say that for you at the moment, and of course he couldn't because of course when you were sober and healthy, you didn't see him that way.

Bruce prided himself on his logic, his integrity, his patience. Suddenly, those qualities were falling prey to a much deeper, carnal instinct that saw this not as a predicament but as an opportunity. Logic states, after all, that it would be wasteful to have everything he wanted thrown into his lap and to let it go to waste.

"Fuck," he groaned as he kissed you again, fucking you faster with his fingers. You moaned and went for his belt, barely managing to open it with your hands shaking so much; part of you had considered just trying to rip the leather off of him, and with the force of your need it seemed almost plausible.

Finally getting his trousers opened just enough to reach inside, you purred as you reached in and navigated past his boxers to wrap your fingers around his hard cock. It was so thick and smooth and hot and you almost wanted to drop to your knees and take it in your throat right then, but you had better plans.

He pulled his fingers out of you slowly, grinning against you at the way you whined, before wrapping his arms around you and quickly instructing you to jump.

It was infuriating, how easily he caught you when you wrapped your body around him. Infuriating and so painfully sexy.

He never broke the kiss as he walked the two of you to your lab table, sliding the papers aside and onto the floor to set you on it. You started on his aggravatingly-small shirt buttons while he pushed his trousers and boxers down the rest of the way, and god his cock was right there between your legs, so close but very much too far away for your liking.

You didn't have the time or energy to get his shirt off, settling for just running your hands over the exposed skin instead. He grinned and watched the path your hands made, hissing slightly when they wrapped around his shaft— for a second you swore you could feel it throb.

"Don't make me wait anymore," you whispered your plea, sighing a little when he nodded.

"Okay baby," he agreed.

"Been waiting so long," you whined.

"Me too," he nodded, and with a little push, his cock slid all the way into you and filles you to the brim. Even when you were completely drenched, the girth of him was so wide that it stung, that it tore you open, but you loved it. Your head fell back and just from him being inside you, you came. The substance had you so needy and sensitive that that was all it took. It wasn't enough yet, of course. You knew you needed more. But God, he felt so good you could hardly breathe.

"Baby," you heard Bruce gasp, his fingers digging into your hips. Your chest twisted when he laughed a little, breathless and just teetering on the line between complimentary and mocking. "Did you just come?"

You considered playing dumb, but nodded instead.

His smile was apparent when he pressed his lips just below your ear to suck on the delicate skin there, his teeth trailing up to nibble your earlobe lightly. You hoped he would leave a mark, you hoped he would leave lots of marks that you could remember this by for weeks to come.

"Couldn't help yourself, huh?" he asked breathlessly, whispering so quietly you could barely hear it over the beating of your own pulse which echoed in your ears.

"You feel so good," you justified, "so fucking good, Bruce."

"You too," he sighed as he finally pulled back and slid into you again, the friction making your back arch instantly. "Even better than I imagined."

You smiled and wrapped your legs around his hips, forcing him to push deeper with each thrust. When he pushed you to your limits it felt like you might just fall apart right there, but it was so worth it.

As if that wasn't enough, he reached down and circled a thumb over your overstimulated clit, grinning down at you at the sight of you writhing and bucking wildly in his arms.

"Fuck!" you cried as you tightened your hands on his shoulders into fists hard enough to risk tearing through his shirt.

"Too much?"

"More," you pleaded instead, crying out when he gave you exactly what you wanted with fast, rough thrusts into your drenched walls. "Yes," you sobbed, "yes, fuck— m'gonna come, Bruce, gonna come again."

"Go ahead," he encouraged, voice so much rougher than normal, "show me how good it feels, baby."

It felt like his words were the thin that pushed you over the edge, as if your body somehow both understood and obeyed his command. You could feel a renewed wave of slick leak out from you, enough that you could hear the wetness in each slap of his hips against yours. His name was somewhere in the litany of curses and praises that spilled from your lips, your mind too clouded with hazy pleasure to keep track of what you were actually saying.

"Just like that," he groaned, "doing so good, fuck, say my name just like that every time I make you come."

An easy enough stricture to follow, especially when it seemed like he was all you could think about. He looked so different with his clothes half-shorn and his eyes dark with lust. He hadn't taken his glasses or labcoat off and you weren't sure which of those you were happier about.

His lips and hands were all over you; you couldn't even keep track of everywhere he was touching you, that's how overwhelming it was. "God, you're so fucking perfect," he groaned against your skin, finding a hardened nipple as his tongue explored you and wrapping his lips around it. "You are so goddamn sexy, you know that? I love seeing you with your legs spread for me like a needy little whore. I love hearing you moan and knowing I'm the one making you feel this good."

He took a moment to look at you and soak in your shocked reaction to his words before leaning in to continue.

"I love feeling you come for me," he purred in your ear.

"Then you're gonna really like what I'm about to do," you shivered.

"Yeah? You can gimme another one already?" he smiled. "Such a good girl…"

You really couldn't help it, it felt like everything he did only enhanced your pleasure— his words, his hands all over you, not to even mention his cock inside you. As much as the hedonistic corner of your brain was happy to let this go on forever, the ramifications of constant orgasms were finally catching up with you as you wondered how much more of this you could take.

"F-fuck, are you close?" you asked weakly. "Want you to come for me, Bruce, please."

"I-I'll pull out," he suggested, although the way he looked down at his length sinking into you and pulling back out, covered in your abundant arousal, didn't exactly indicate that he was willing and able to actually make good on his offer.

"No!" you yelped, pulling him closer by his unbuttoned shirt. "It needs to be inside, Bruce, please come inside me."

"Fuck," he hissed through his teeth.

"Please, Bruce, please, promise you'll come inside."

"I will," he sighed, "fuck, I will baby, I promise I'm gonna fill you up so good, you're gonna have my come so fucking deep inside you…"

"Yes!" you moaned, completely unabashed as the unknown substance had apparently absolved you of any shame whatsoever. "Yes, I want it, Bruce, I want your come."

The moment you felt his seed start to paint your walls, you felt relief begin to wash over you. Your mind and body relaxed, the overwhelming heat under your skin subsiding into a comforting warmth, the desperation that had burned in your gut satiated at last.

And that left you staring up at him in realization of what you had done, just as he looked back at you with the same.

"God, I'm so sorry—" he shuddered, moving to pull away. Instinctively your legs wrapped around his hips again, holding him close.

"N-no, wait," you groaned, "it's okay. Don't go."

"You don't hate me," he said, the exhaustion in his tone making it hard to tell if it was a question or a statement.

"Never," you sighed with a weak smile, sitting up to clutch his face and kiss him again. "God, Bruce, now I'm just wondering what took us so long."

"Our lab safety is just too good, clearly," he smiled as he kissed you again, pulling back a little too soon to examine your face where he held it in his hands. "Are you okay? You should still probably go to a doctor…"

"I'm already with a doctor," you smirked, "and his treatment was very effective."

"Yeah, that was…" he trailed off, wide eyes as if he were reminiscing about what had only just transpired.

"Sorry for being so… desperate," you cringed. "I didn't mean to… um… impose…"

He just laughed and kissed your forehead, making you feel your cheeks warm a bit; ironic that with everything that had just happened, this was what made you blush. "A beautiful, amazing woman that I've been dreaming about for months begs me to take her in the laboratory… really inconvenient."

"I mean, cleaning up these papers and the broken glass is gonna be pretty tedious, along with the incident report," you frowned.

"I'll help you with it," he offered.

"Tomorrow," you decided. "Right now, I'm taking you to my place."

"Is that so?" he asked with a bemused smirk.

"Yep. We both are in serious need of a shower, and then I wanna go again," you grinned wickedly.

"I thought you said you weren't feeling the effects of the chemical anymore," he recalled, voice tinted with concern.

"I'm not," you reassured, "I'm just feeling the effects of you."

[serpenteve]

I'm having the horrible realization that Aleksander never actually did any serious wooing of Alina in the books. It's all just Alina her self being horny attracted to him. But this is supposedly???? His grand scheme???? Of manipulation???? Implications! It seems like the girls in these books wasn't the only one slut shamed. I'm- ☠

Leigh wrote a man sexy and captivating and said "it's his fault, actually, that Alina got a crush on him. He shouldn't of.... uh.." Flips through papers. "Ah, had such pretty eyes."

Okay! 👀Yes, we are finally doing this!

I'm flipping through my copy of Shadow & Bone and noting down all the interactions between the Darkling and Alina which I've put in chronological order beneath the cut.

First of all, the Darkling and Alina are only alone together in about a handful of scenes. Most of the time, the are surrounded by other Grisha or Baghra or are in a public place. A lot of the Darkling's actions and words are clouded by Alina's own insecurities. She constantly voices how she feels like she's not good enough, not pretty enough, not strong enough and he takes it in stride and gently encourages and placates her. There are a few lies he does tell her (that the Black Heretic was his ancestor, that he wants to destroy the Fold, and he doesn't know what Baghra's power is, etc) but if we extrapolate the trajectory of her ill-fated romance arc, I think even book!Darkling would have told Alina about his real plans if she seemed like she'd accept them.

A lot of speculation has been made about the Darkling's seduction of Alina and honestly???? Aleksander literally just exists and Alina is thirsting for him because she's desperately looking for validation and re-assurance. I initially head-canoned his first kiss by the lake as being pure calculation and the kiss at the Winter Fete being 100% accidental (because Dark Lord Sasha played himself lmao) but on this re-read, I don't even know anymore. He already came close to almost kissing her after they have a tender moment, catches himself and then immediately leaves before he can catch feelings. Then when they share another tender moment at the lake, he kisses her and then is surprised by it and before he can really process it, Ivan comes by to cockblock.

Like, even Leigh (as much as she has shit on this ship) said at one point that the Darkling has strong feelings for Alina, even if he may not necessarily quantify them as love. So looking back, I don't read anything the Darkling did as manipulative seduction. He obviously lied about some stuff and wasn't transparent about his real plans for the Fold, but as a military commander who sees Alina as an opportunity for a coup, it makes sense that he'd play that a little close to the chest---especially when Alina has proved to be wary of his powers and has a very black-and-white sense of morality. If anything, this is less "the Darkling seduced Alina to manipulate her into being used!!11" and more "local dark lord tried to encourage his protege and accidentally caught feelings and it was a mASSIVE FUCKING INCONVENIENCE TO HIS EVIL PLANS"

But you know who does slut-shame Alina a lot? Baghra. Seriously, Baghra makes Alina feel like shit for her crush on the Darkling numerous times. She has all these lines:

"You want to be [his pet]...Don’t bother lying to me. You’re like all the rest. I saw the way you looked at him."

"Dreaming of dancing with your dark prince?"

"Foolish girl." (After Alina shamefully admits the Darkling might come to her that night)

At one point Baghra creeps on Alina and the Darkling's interactions and even though literally nothing happens between them and when the Darkling leaves, Alina catches Baghra giving her a snooty look. ("For no reason at all, I blushed")

She is determined to shame Alina for her feelings and make her feel like a lovesick idiot for daring to crush on him and this is in addition to all the slut-shaming Mal does. The narrative revealing the Darkling is the bad guy all along while leaving Alina no compelling arc to discover this on her own feels very much like Leigh hitting us all with Baghra's stick, like "Foolish girls! You thought he cared about Alina just because he has a sexy jawline??? HAHA HE LIED YOU SLUTS"

Scenes with Alina and the Darkling in Book 1

Their first scene together is in the Grisha tent. Based on Alina's description of him, she already thinks he's hot as barely any other character in this godforsaken series gets so many descriptions of their grey/smoke/slate/quartz eyes as Aleksander does 😏

The next time they're together he saves her life. Alina is traumatized from seeing a man sliced in half and the Darkling instructs her to keep her eyes on him instead. She is disturbed that he killed the person about to murder her and this aversion seems incredibly contrived and arbitrary on behalf of the author. It's almost like she wants Alina to be vindicated and shamed for not trusting her initial bigotry against him or something 🤔The Darkling admits even he can make mistakes and then he touches the back of Alina's neck (with some secret Heartrender/Healer abilities?) and she falls asleep riding on his horse.

They spend the next few days traveling. Alina notes that the Darkling hasn't spoken to her (probably because he's focused on getting her to the Little Palace without any more assassination attempts) but Alina is a paranoid she's offended him somehow. Again, this is just Alina's insecurity painting a narrative that simply doesn't exist based on what actually happened so far.

They exchange a few words by the stream and Alina fishes for pity points by saying she's ugly and can't possibly be Grisha. Aleksander appears 100% done with her stupidity and says she doesn't understand but he's not in the mood to explain at the moment and walks off ☠️

Alina joins the Darkling and his men for a meal. She notes that the grouse they've killed is meager shared meal but that the Darkling doesn't want to put his men in danger by sending them out to hunt in the forest at night 😌He also sits on the floor to eat like they do and he doesn't take more than the regular portion than they do 😌. Sorry, how is this man the most ~evil~ wizard on the planet? He is obviously a good and fair commander and beloved by the Grisha.

Alina has been checking Aleksander out the entire time so when he catches her, he walks over to talk. He fishes around for information on what Alina has heard about him. He seems sad when Alina mentions she has heard that Darklings are born without souls, though not surprised. He then spins the story about the Black Heretic being his ancestor and how the Fold was a mistake and how every Darkling since then has tried to undo it and how Alina is "the first glimmer of hope" he's had in a long time.

Because Alina is still on that "Grisha are unnatural monsters" agenda, she asks him about the Cut and he explains it but she's still distrubed. He asks her if it would have been better if he used a sword and she replies: "I don't know". The Darkling gets offended and leaves. Alina tries to convince herself she can't have possibly hurt his feelings (because Darklings don't have souls or feelings?) and then feels paranoid that she's failed some secret test. Yeah, the test you failed is called "empathy", Alina 🙄

Two days later, they arrive at Os Alta. Aleksander roasts the Grand Palace as the ugliest effing building he's ever seen. He leaves immediately after dumping Alina at the Little Palace and Alina actually seethes that he isn't paying more attention to her? I understand that it's overwhelming to go to a brand new place, but Alina expecting him to constantly hold her hand and explain everything to her after she basically insulted him is a bit strange.

The next time Alina sees the Darkling, they are scheduled to appear before the King and Queen. The demonstration is a surprise for Alina and Aleksander's lack of transparency of what's expected of her means she's forced to rely on him and trust his instincts. This might be his underhanded way of getting Alina to see that she can trust him; that he will not make her look like a failure or humiliate her; that they are in this together and it will only work if she trusts him.

After the demonstration, Genya and the Darkling trash the monarchy for a bit (Alina is horrified) and then the Darkling orders Genya to get a black kefta for Alina, to which Alina infamously wants a blue one. The Darkling doesn't really put up much of a fight, merely wanting to know why. Alina decides he doesn't approve of her choosing blue and wonders to Genya if he's angry.

After Alina's first day, the Darkling calls her to his quarters to ask her how her day was. Alina is surprised that this is all he wanted to know because she was paranoid he was going to torture her??? She says: "Why shouldn't I be afraid of you?...You can cut people in half. I think it's fair to be a little intimidated." If the Darkling is offended or angry about this, he doesn't show it and merely indulges her. He notes that she has a habit of running her hand across a scar on her palm and asks her about it, tracing the scar himself. Alina gets distracted by his touch but manages to answer his questions: she got the scar at Keramzin, Mal is also an orphan, he is good at tracking. He shows her a secret passage back to her rooms to avoid the main hall.

Alina starts her training and at one point laments that the Darkling is rarely at the Little Palace and when he is, he never speaks to her or barely looks her way and she is convinced it's because she's a failure and can't summon light on her own. It could also be because, you know, he's the commander of the Second Army and is usually seen in talks with other military advisors and the fact that Alina kinda lowkey insulted him with her wariness about his powers???

The next time they are together, Alina interrupts him and Baghra arguing. He politely asks her how she is. Baghra antagonizes her. The Darkling defends her. They talk about amplifiers and because Baghra is being a snarky little shit about it, they take their conversation outside.

Aleksander complains about how annoying his mom is and then asks Alina what stories she's heard about Morozova's herd. At one point he laughs for the first time and Alina practically creams her pants at the sound. Alina expresses her concerns that she can't summon any light and the Darkling says he's not worried and it will happen when it happens and worse case scenario, it will happen once she has the stag. They have a quiet intimate moment, gazing softly into each other's eyes and then suddenly Aleksander realizes he's catching feelings and steps back suddenly like "GoodLuckWithYourLessonsOKayBYE". Baghra watches this interaction from her hut and gives Alina a slut-shaming look.

Alina eventually does learn to summon light on her own. Baghra gives her grief about how it's not enough. The Darkling shows up during one of these lessons and says as much. Alina says she's useless. The Darkling corrects her (“I don't think you're useless, Alina....No Grisha is powerful enough to face the Fold. Not even me”) and then he apologizes for letting her down ("I've asked you to trust me and I haven't delivered"). He wonders if his mother is right and he's crazy to hunt the stag. They have a nice bonding moment, Aleksander lies about Baghra's power, and then he asks if Alina would think him crazy for still wanting to find the stag. She asks why he cares what she thinks, he seems genuinely surprised himself that he cares. Then he kisses her. He seems not to have meant to kiss her because then Ivan shows up for his 5 o'clock shift of cockblocking and the Darkling immediately pretends like nothing happened and walks away with him. Like dude is acting like a fucking dork who's allergic to feelings at this point. I should note here that Alina practically has an orgasm from how giddy she is about this moment. She can barely think of anything else.

The next time they're together, it's at the Winter Fete. They do their demonstration and Alina accidentally reveals her insecurities about how he had kissed her and then disappeared. He responds, "Did you really think I was done with you?" and then they enjoy some steamy kisses and thigh grabbing in an empty room before a random round of Grisha show up for their 6 o'clock shift of cockblocking. Aleksander is annoyed at his own attraction to Alina. He asks if he can come to her that night but Alina doesn't get a chance to respond.

and then the Darklina romance arc falls off a giant cliff and dies a terrible death 😭😭😭

[queerautism]

(This is a vent, feel free to delete if you don't want to deal with it. I just don't know anyone else who might understand)

Cw: medical stuff, ableism, and gaslighting

I have chronic pain and I'm so sick of abled people acting like it's impossible to mask pain if it's really bad. Like I've seen people say it's impossible to appear calm if your pain is at a 10 on a scale of 1-10. It makes me so mad because that exact kind of thing has been used to invalidate and dismiss my pain. I've been gaslit by family and doctors into feeling like my pain is actually just me being lazy, and so I constantly push through horrible pain. I've also been abused a lot so I feel like I have to hide anything that might bother other people, I feel like I have to always be easy going and happy. Even when I'm in so much pain that my legs give out the moment I try to stand and I can't form coherent sentences without great difficulty, I can still make myself smile and act like nothing's wrong. If you're at a 10/10 pain wise for days or even months and then eventually you might just start to dissociate. My body and mind has given up on crying or trying to get sympathy or help, it just ends up getting me hurt even more. But now ableds act like that means my pain isn't that bad. There's just no winning. If I act the way ableds expect from someone in a ton of pain then I'm being annoying and overdramatic and probably just faking for attention/to get out of work, but if I don't act the way they expect then my pain must not be that bad and I'm just an idiot who doesn't know what it's like to actually be in pain. I recently had surgery and the recovery wasn't even as bad as some of my bad pain days. I've had tendon scrapings while fully conscious and those aren't as bad as a bad day. I just want ableds to acknowledge that they don't understand what chronic pain is like. They can't even imagine what it's like. I'm literally unable to even imagine what life without pain is like because it's such a constant in my life. When people talk about afterlives, immortality, or reincarnation I find the idea horrible because I can't imagine what it's like to exist without pain. My brain interprets every kind of stimulus as pain. Slight pressure=pain, holding a glass of ice water=pain, having a fan blow air on my skin=pain, eating something with a strong flavor=pain, wearing stiff fabric clothes=pain. It's horrible and exhausting and ableds acting like I'm faking or overstating it just makes it worse. The only time I'm not in pain is when I'm asleep, and even then I sometimes have pain in my dreams.

But ableds will still act like they know what real pain is better than I do because they broke their arm as a kid. (I'm not saying they haven't had real pain or anything, it's just frustrating that they can't understand the difference between needing to deal with a temporary injury/illness and just existing in a constant state of agony)

Sorry to dump all of this on you. I'm just so tired of ableds. I know this might make me sound suicidal, but I'm really not. I know I can still enjoy life despite all my pain, I just want the people around me to understand what I'm dealing with so they might be more sympathetic to my struggles. I want people to understand that after a certain point, expressing how much you're suffering can just be exhausting. If you're in so much pain that you cry then it can be cathartic, but if that pain keeps going then eventually you're going to run out of tears and the energy to cry. And if your main method of coping is dissociation, then crying or even acknowledging the pain can just bring your attention back to it and make it feel even worse.

I want people to understand that some of us are just in horrible pain all the time and it completely changes the way we live. I don't even need sympathy I just want people to understand that so they stop acting like I'm lazy or a liar. But I always just get met with "umm you can't be calm when you're at 10/10 pain bc that's the worst pain u can imagine" if I'm in so much pain that I literally can't imagine being in any more or any less pain because it's so overwhelming it feels literally inescapable and never ending then I think I'm allowed to call that a 10/10, and when that happens my brain basically shuts down and I don't show any emotion.

It doesn't help that I'm autistic and I don't show a lot of natural facial expression. I feel like I have to act out my own emotions to communicate them*, and doing that with pain just does more harm that good.

(*idk if this is common thing. I just tend to feel like I'm an actor in a play. I'm not pretending to feel things I don't feel. But when I'm happy I don't naturally look happy, I feel like I have to tell myself to act happy if I want people to know I'm happy)

Sorry this went on so long. I just needed somewhere to vent and I felt like you would be understanding of this kind of thing.

I absolutely 100% understand. Chronic pain is fucking awful to deal with and so many people are just fucking assholes about it. I'm in so much pain all of the time.

Also I do the acting out emotions thing too, otherwise I'm very flat / seem angry? I call it doing cartoon emotions lol

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Omg thank you so much for your posts about rinharu!! :"")) I was one of those people who were like "why are rinharu fighting again?? Did kyoani purposely seperate them /again/ just for the sake of drama ?? (And so that they have more oppurtunities to showcase other ships??)" I was really irked at first cuz i thought the first part of TFS is finally going to be a movie about rinharu being a powercouple, but! After reading your posts i realised that haru never really moved on from rin leaving, even in S3 the reason why hiyori's words affected him was because he thought he caused rin to leave (and by extension ikuya, but lbr haru wasn't as frustrated with ikuya nearly as much as he was with rin right) so i'm just here to say.. thank you so much for opening my eyes!!! Now i'm really looking forward to the second part!!

Awww no problem <3 tbh I've always said that free is one of those that has so many nuances left bts that it's sometimes confusing for those who aren't as invested I think. Like there's so many important things that are left out and are in additional materials, that some has no idea what's going on at times. Like back in the days when some interpreted s2 in the opposite way bc of that one thing. My point is that not everyone is even watches stuff like recaps for example (where there are in fact new easter eggs and so many important things like Rin's dad death aftermath etc), and even less read novels and checked side stories and dramas.

For example, in books this Haru's issue about him thinking he's cursed and hurts everyone with his swimming is a huge thing, when Asahi "lost his ability to swim" after seeing Haru's free. But in SD it wasn't adressed at all tbh.

And what Haru feels for Rin is such tornado of emotions, that surprised even me with all the descriptions, bc like it's real bad. Like that part I posted from the chapter when Rin leaves is at least understandable, since he leaves. But the way he reacts to him in general even when he just appears in his sight is always described as if someone tortures him for real lol. And he's always like "pls someone save me, I don't know how to deal with this, bc I've never felt such emotions before".

So basically, like yeah, he's as it is has this thing, when he thinks of himself as some bad omen, so he's very sensitive about it, but since everything Rin-related feels x100000000 for him, its just... well, it hurt for a very long time and sadly was just overlooked by a certain someone, so here we are.

I think we all at first believed that bc Rin's so shocked and in disbelief that Haru could even think that it was his fault in some way:

that maybe they talked about it bts or smth like after the relay. But it seems like Rin either forgot or most likely I think he maybe thought that Haru understood without words? I'm just real sad still that Haru didn't get to hear this speech:

I mean, they made it look by the end of s1 that it was about relay, which partially yeah, but for Rin it was really about Haru. You see what he said.. he said that that 1x02 race with Haru alone.. what made him want to swim again. This whole speech was not only about the fact that Haru wasn't at fault that he quit swimming in the first place, but about the fact that Haru is his lucky charm, that makes everything better. AND WE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO HEAR THAT. So like for Haru it's to this day like "after I messed him up, Rin was saved with the power of friendship and a relay". But he was saved by Haru really. Bc according to s3 info, it was basically just about Haru being on the relay team. I don't try to demean their friendships or anything, but its just what it is.

And as I've said before in one post it's just fascinating that to this day Rin for example thinks that s1 shananigans were just about him and just his problem:

Haru thought it was about them and their problem:

So like my point here is I also up to the end of s2 thought that maybe Rei or Rin told that to him, bc we seemed to move on to another problems, until in Kizuna we were shown that he still dreams about that scene of Rin leaving. s3 Hiyori just exposed the wound really.

But also once again see what he said there, it's not just about that one time he keeps reliving, aka his first come back, its really just about each time Rin was leaving. Like the very first one already was bad, the second was the worst, bc he thought he hurt him and thought that bc of him he quit swimming, others are just painful bc by then it was already another kind of feeling. I mean, I do think that this first Rin's return to Australia thing needs to be cleared up since it's obviously still haunting him. But again it's just part of this. Haru after the Australian trip and "I've always admired you" and "without you I have nothing to aim for" and after TYM goodbye when Rin told him that he doesn't need a surprise party and that just swimming with Haru before leaving is the greastest surprise for him, he knows already about the way Rin feels about swimming with him... I think the reason why everyone is freaking out here is that bc the way it's executed it's just really about him constantly missing him and "why am I always have to longingly watch you leave, while you seem fine." If he was in a free race, but wasn't on a relay team, he'd get the same reaction. Its just all seasons combined that brought us here. We already in 3x01 without Hiyori knew that he wasn't handling Rin being far away again good. So tbh it's logical even without any explanation really. I mean, Rin does indeed leave and come back as he pleases and does what he wants without holding back or sometimes thinking about consequences. There's no lie here.

It's like since the beginning for Rin it was like "I found the gorgeous guy I adore and I want to swim with, I'll transfer schools just to nag him into swimming with me, it's not like he's gonna care if I leave after that." (he literally in the book didn't think it was a big deal)

For Haru it was like "I lived just fine, but this guy stormed into my life, made me want things I didn't think I'd ever want, got me addicted to him and then dropped me like a hot potato".

Rin's just very passionate about life and things he wants, like Haru for example, but he's really also very unobservant and very clueless at times.

But like just bc he doesn't know about Haru's existential crisis and all the pain he's truly in when he's leaving, doesn't change the fact that he at times didn't even treat him as a simple friend (because they can't be just friends I KNOW), but still things like "you could've called" "well sorry, I guess I'm just not good at it" are probably hurtful, considering the fact that you are good at it with everyone else tho, Rin sweetie. Like thanks for avoiding us the most and holding back and visiting us the last each time, we feel real special. Haru is like the opposite, he doesn't call anyone for example, but he can call Rin in the middle of the night if needed, he always does for Rin smth that's completely out of his comfort zone.

It's like some say "Rin didn't know he wanted him to call" or "he didn't know Haru felt guilty". He did know he wanted him to call and he didn't know Haru felt guilty and stopped swimming competitively when he stopped swimming, but then Rei told him and Natsuya in 3x03 reminded him about this too. Its just the fact that he doesn't want to add 1+1 and thinks "well, there's no way I can affect Haru like that right?", "he can't be that upset about Rin Matsuoka, right?". While facts are he IS literally the only one who affects Haru in such huge way. It's like everyone else can just pass him by and it's nothing, but he walks by and it's a whole "asdfghgfdsa why my body is on fire, its just Rin who's just standing there".

And I'm also buffled by this thing that some people really say stuff like "where did this come from, they were perfectly fine" etc, as if they ever had normal "friendship" relationship. I'm like when did they ever behave themselves okay? In 3x03 Rin is dying to call Haru, but can't do it, while he's constantly texting everyone including Nagisa. First thing he says in the airport when he comes back is "I'm home, Haru" to air, but then goes to hang out with Makoto and Sousuke, desperately looking for an excuse to see the one whom he from the beginning, as it was shown wanted to see the most, but in his opinion can’t without a reason. It's only when Makoto tells him that Haru was upset about Albert he quickly rans off out of there bc "hooray, I have an excuse to see my bae”. Like we know from the airport scene that he wanted to see Haru the most. If they're so as people say were doing great, than how do you exlain all of their s2 and s3 behavior for real? It's like as if in TYM Haru didn't lose his shit from some gossip about persimmons. I mean, they never settled anything really. And Haru is constantly scared of Rin leaving again since forever.

So it's complicated, but yes, we're super excited for p2, bc asdfghjhgfds.

[toujoursmiraculous]

Thoughts and Reaction to Gang of Secrets!

I'm very late today at writing this because life ;-; You know it's a bigger episode when they start off with a problem. Ladybug doesn't want to detransform so she's desperate to find reasons to remain Ladybug. I love how the entire time, Chat Noir knows something's wrong and wants to get her to talk about what it is, but she just tries to pretend she's fine. If anything, Chat Noir would probably be the best person to talk to considering everything he's dealt with too both with Kagami and his responsibility as Chat! She could mention that she was seeing someone but they broke up because of her secret, and she could tell him how much being the Guardian's having an affect on her. All perfectly well and good without exposing any identities or things like that with questions for details asked. Instead she puts up a front with him and pretends she's okay in front of him and it's just so sad. :/ I understand why she doesn't, probably because she doesn't want him to know how much she's struggling. But ugh my heart hurts for her. Chat: I know where we can go where we won't have to talk! Ladybug: Yes, take me there Chat! *in the theater* Ladybug: You lead me into a trap. I MEAN HE'S NOT WRONG THOUGH! Not many places you can go where it's okay or encouraged to not talk without there being an awkward silence. But that cracked me UP. Also that casual attempt to wrap his arm around her lolol still hasn't give up, I see. I also find it simultaneously hilarious and extremely depressing that Ladybug's ranting like that in the theater because of a romance movie. When your heart is broken, that's probably the last thing you want to be doing. And Chat Noir yanking her down asking that she be quiet 😂 Literally just rants her entire love life out for everyone including Chat to hear in that theater. CHAT NOIR, YOU BETTER BE LISTENING BECAUSE SHE'S TALKING ABOUT ADRIEN HERE "She takes a long time to tell him and stutters and blah blah blah" lol sound familiar, sunshine? If anything please have him recall this later and be like, wait, didn't Ladybug say girls stutter around a guy when she likes him? BAM. Then he's off on his path towards Marinette. I can dream. Ladybug: And how do you know if he loves her? IMPOSSIBLE. Adrien: No, Marinette couldn't possibly be in love with me. *eyetwitch* But at the end of the day. This is Marinette ranting to Adrien about how she had to give up on Adrien and then couldn't make things work with Luka because of her secret. Ooof. And poor Chat having to apologize for everyone because Ladybug's disturbing them XDD THE GIRL SAVES EVERYBODY'S LIVES PRACTICALLY EVERY DAY AND THEY'RE PISSED SHE'S RUINING A MOVIE THEY CAN JUST REWATCH? 😂 She's clearly having a hard time right now, c'mon people! Chat can tell she has a broken heart. This boy is so sweet. He wants her to at least admit that and talk about it so she can feel better but you know, Ladybug's stubborn. I WANT TO GO SWIMMING LET'S GO SWIMMING CHAT, WOO HOOOOOO! Ladybug acting like Chat to hide her pain just like how Chat acts like Chat to hide his pain. YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S FINE. :') It doesn't matter how much pain she's dealing with, those pictures mean too much to her to remove them. x3 Thanks Juleka for showing us how sad Luka is now, that's very helpful. Marinette's been going into the bathroom at school to cry, and then had planned stupid looking glasses to hide her tears so people wouldn't have to know she's cried because wearing a ridiculous pair of glasses that's embarrassing is better than being asked what's wrong. Because the pain I feel for her wasn't already enough. Ugh I adore Trixx. Trixx being the voice of reason when Tikki's not there, trying to help and letting her know that Tikki may need to rest too when she's so upset it doesn't cross her mind. And the tears in her eyes when she apologizes to Tikki for not thinking of her like she should. ;-; SO MUCH PAIN. OH DANG Alya was literally a second away from seeing a detransforming Marinette lol But she did say DETRANSFORMATION or well in the English dub it'll be "Spots

off" I love Rose, she's really sweet. and considerate But she also shouldn't be touching things in others rooms like that. I never liked it when my friends went around my room touching stuff. Also didn't help that a couple of them stole from me... but it's just not a cool thing to do. Would've probably ended up much better had she not had to desperately hide an exposed Miracle Box. But then we wouldn't have had what happens so it's all good c: Marinette saying she doesn't want to be friends with the girls anymore

It hit Alya deep. Everyone else is like *le gasp* but her eyes all shrunken like that, you can tell it really got to her hard.

This entire exchange right here. Alya's glance at her in the first picture is piercing, like I can feel that OOF feeling in my chest when I see it. The new music dramatizes it so well that a lot of people probably didn't pay attention to it the first time around. Can we just appreciate how these animators got all these emotions so right and did such a good job animating everything for us? And those that work on the music too? Everything's so spot on. Marinette's red-rimmed eyes is so well done. "No, it can't end like this!" Awww Alix getting super upset too x3 I honestly think Alix could be the next one.... you know what I mean BUT I'll wait until the end to talk about it. Trixx pulling a Plagg and rescuing Marinette! x3 I seriously love Trixx, I really do. I know the other Kwami's got mad, but if he hadn't done that it would've been disaster, probably. And the episode wouldn't have ended how it did! And Plagg knowing it was Trixx who caused the Eiffel Tower to be all weird xD Why do I get the feeling the relationship between Trixx and Plagg would be like that of Chat Noir and Rena Rouge? And I want to point out, we got 7 whole seconds of Adrien again! Aren't we lucky? The last time we got so little of Adrien in an episode was when we had his parallel episode Lies. I don't think that'll happen this time but I do hope it means more Adrien later on. Ladybug: They're after Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Chat Noir: Okay but remember everybody likes her (so don't go thinking she's a bad person for causing their akumatizations) Yes, I read between the lines. Ladybug being able to get through to Lady Wifi and have her deakumatize herself was absolutely amazing! I know Chloe was the first to fight off being akumatized but once you're akumatized it's obviously extremely hard to break. That says a lot about Alya. "Because you're an incredible friend, Ladybug." One, AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Two, did you notice the little jerk of her head, gesturing to Ladybug like that when she said it?? It's the little details guys that make this so good. 😍 "Chat Noir, nooooo!" Guys, we got our tiny little Marichat scene! It's not actually real, but still! (okay but why do I also get this really weird feeling like something like this may end up being real later?) Alya giving Ladybug that hug 😭 Marinette has such good, supportive friends. I love them all. x.x YES THANK YOU. Alya's finally realizing there are more things going on with her than just boys. One of the things that's always irked me since Chameleon is that any issue Marinette has, be it with Lila or otherwise, she always assumes it has to do with Adrien. Of course, at the time she didn't know she was Ladybug but she should've still listened and realized there's something else up. But now she finally is noticing and I love how she was going to respect her regardless and not push. Pushing has always been one of Alya's characteristics, but she knew whatever it was was something too big and serious to push her on. "Marinette, I'm your best friend, and I always will be." 😭😭😭 This episode brought me so close to tears so many times. Marinette admitting she's keeping secrets, lying to everyone. Admitting that that's why she draws a line between her and Adrien, and why her and Luka didn't work out. Alya saying however heavy it is, they'll carry it together (MY HEART) And then Marinette saying "If I tell you, things between us will never be the same. It's going to destroy everything, change it all." It sounds like this girl is thinking about Chat Blanc and oop there's the sound of my heart breaking again. So much paaaain. "Je suis Ladybug." YESSSSSSS Why they had to leave it off on a cliffhanger But YESSSSSSS First, the expressions she had flash on her face, the gasp 😮, then the expression like she's trying to get her mind to process. Then if you notice, Marinette gives a little nod, as if letting her know that it's true. Then the way her eyebrows furrow and pulls her into the hug as she understands all that she has on her shoulders as that music plays. I'm getting

emotional just writing this. 😭 This episode is just so amazingly good in so many ways, I don't think I can actually cover it all. I'm very impressed. I've loved nearly every episode this show has put out, even those that a lot of people seem to hate. But this one, I don't see how this could actually be hated if you're trying to think of everything that happened from Marinette's point of view, her thoughts, feelings, struggles, depression. I will say, personally I hoped Chat Noir would learn who Ladybug is first. He's been such a good partner, very thoughtful, always putting his life on the line. He's also been dealing with a lot of the same struggles. I felt like he deserved to know first. However, this isn't about who deserves what, it's about what Marinette needs. It's not that she doesn't want to tell him who she is! Don't misunderstand. There are many times throughout the past 3 seasons where she wants to or regrets not being able to. But now, Chat Blanc's in her mind. She knows what could happen if she tells him with Hawk Moth still there, so she can't do it. So instead, she tries to pretend in front of him that she's fine even though talking to him about everything would help and fix so much. In her mind, that's not an option. I just hope that when he finds out she told someone else first, he doesn't think that she doesn't trust him enough to tell him. Next I thought maybe Alix. That way it'd be more understandable to Chat that she'd know, after all future Bunnyx clearly knows and said to Ladybug that she chose her because she's capable of keeping secrets (notice how Alya said that to Ladybug in the alley? I bet Alix will find out in the near future. Maybe not this season, but she'll find out.) But that's for another time. But now Alya knows! Her best friend, the one to have her back and will no doubt have it even more so now! Watch out, Lila. Alya doesn't hold back so I can imagine how vicious she could be to her (and I can't wait). And that brings up a very interesting thought. Alya will realize Adrien has been the only one to have her back in Lila situations. Why would he do that, hmm? When everyone else was so sure Lila's an angel and Marinette must be bad for saying anything negative about her. Journalist Alya, incoming! There's also the matters of Alya bringing up Marinette's feelings for Chat Noir because duh, everybody can see how much she loves him! There are even photos of them kissing, one of which happened in front of Alya's own eyes! Though affected by an akuma, they all know that kiss didn't happen because of it. And of course, Alya has brought up twice in the show so far that Adrien and Chat Noir could be the same person. And last time Alya said that neither of them could be Ladybug and Chat Noir. Except, she's now found out that Marinette is Ladybug. So maybe Adrien could after all be Chat Noir. I look forward to seeing how their new dynamic is. I wonder how this affects their relationship with the other girls. And I'm most curious about how Nino and Adrien may react to this change. I thought during Truth and Lies both that their best friends were going to find out about their breakups. Gang of Secrets was Alya finding out. Even though I feel like another parallel episode is just wishful thinking, I can't help but think it may be a possibility. Nino and the boys are going to wonder what's up with Adrien too. They're going to wonder why he's not with Kagami anymore so suddenly. So what if i the end, Chat Noir ends up telling Nino? I could see it, if this takes place shortly after Gang of Secrets, where she tells Chat that she's confided her identity in a very close friend and somehow they agree that he can tell someone too that he trusts to make it fair. It'd be an amazing way to exercise Ladybug's trust in Chat Noir too. Then we'd have both Alya and Nino in on it, keeping their best friend's secrets for them without knowing about the other one. Oh that'd be so beautiful! And also let them keep their Miraculouses too after the charms are given to them and Alya has the ability to break

free after being akumatized. I adore Rena and Carapace so much I'd be ecstatic if they kept them. 😭 Anyway, so much potential can come out of this episode and I honestly cannot wait until episode 4!!

[babygirlkiki1016]

Dead in the water

Me and Dean sat on the edge of the bed like two teenagers in trouble as Sam was pacing the room, trying to think on what he should say. Finally he stops and looks at the both of us with his arms crossed.

"So let me get this straight, you tell her you wanna wait till she's eighteen but then you decide screw it?"

"....Sammy-" Dean begins to say but Sam cuts him off.

"Dean if your gonna be with her then you can't have sex till she's eighteen."

"Your ove- wait...what? So hold on your ok with this?"

"Yeah, I mean it was gonna happen sooner or later. It's hard for you to stay away from a beautiful lady anyways." I blushed at Sam's comment.

"Well that's new." Dean mutters and he grabs a lock of my hair, making me look over at him.

"What?"

"Your hair it's pink and purple."

"So two emotions at once? I'm guessing pink is love....and purple is fear. So your nervous and feeling loved at the same time!" Sam grabs his laptop and begins taking even more notes.

"Aren't you guys afraid if me?....I mean this isn't normal, don't you guys think I'm a monster or something?" I wondered, was I a monster? Is this what happened to me years ago? Is this what dad was talking about, about how he didn't trust John because...something happened to me?

"Well you certainly have powers, but you can't control it besides you don't know what's going on."

"And you haven't killed anyone." Dean adds.

"But why is this happening now? When I was at home none of this was happening....maybe I should call dad..."

"No, we can't risk him finding us, the next time you call him he'll probably be ready....and I don't want you to go..." Dean admits, while scooting closer, I could tell he wanted to kiss me.

"You two get a room! Wait no, don't do that." Sam laughs, "Alright love birds we need to get back to the subject at hand." He starts researching about the case we're working on, Dean was still staring at me. "Dean!" Sam yells, catching his attention. "Day dream later, work now, you need to take Y/n to get a few things."

"Like what?" He asked.

"Tattoo, gun that kind of stuff, if she's gonna be a hunter then she needs to have the supplies."

"W-Wait what tattoo?" I stutter and Dean points to the pentagram on his chest.

"It's so we don't get possessed, don't worry I'll be there with you."

"Ok, and a gun? I mean why not just use the ones we already have in the back of the impala?"

"Cause you need your own, one that you can carry with you at all times." Dean gets up, puts his shirt back on then grabs the keys to baby. "C'mon we'll get you prepared while Sam does his nerdy thing." I chuckle and follow after him, while grabbing his hand to hold it. He didn't even question it, he pulled me in and kissed my lips, making me yearn for more. Sadly the kiss didn't last long, if we stood there any longer Sam probably would've come out. When we got in the car, the whole drive to the tattoo parlor we were jamming out to eye of the tiger. Which I was still humming it while I was sitting in the chair getting the pentagram on my (wherever you decide to put it.)

"That's a pretty good spot." Dean commented, as he sat next to me.

"Thank you." I grinned, he smiled but it slowly faltered over time, making me grab his hand, squeezing it. "You ok?" I asked worriedly.

"...What happened at the motel can't happen again." He didn't even look at me it was like he was ashamed, did he regret what we did?

"Why not?" He didn't answer, I grabbed his chin and made him face me. Sighing he scoots closer as he lowers his voice.

"Your seventeen Y/n...."

"So? We only have (how many months until you birthday.) I'm technically eighteen already."

"One I don't wanna get arrested and two, we met about about three weeks ago. Don't you think we're moving a little to fast?"

"According to Sam you bone a girl on every case, or at least try to, and your saying it's a little to fast?"

"Good point, but....I just want you to be sure this-" He points to himself, as if himself was a problem. "-is what you want."

"....You are what I want, if you weren't I wouldn't have kissed you. Although if you wanna wait....I respect your decision." That made him smile, he leaned over and kissed my forehead.

"Thank you, now I believe your tattoo is done." I looked down at it, it was sexy as hell. After we payed for it, we went on the road again. When we crossed over the bridge I asked Dean if we could stop to see the lake and look at the sunset. Hesitantly he agreed and pulled over, I got out excitedly. The lake was a dark blue mixed in with pink and orange from the sun, it made me sad to think it was gonna be gone soon.

"It's beautiful isn't it?"

"Not as beautiful as you." Dean flirted making me blush as he pulled me closer by the waist. He started to lean in, those rough lips covering my soft ones.

"I thought we couldn't do this again."

"I meant almost having sex, kisses are something we can definitely do." He smirked and leaned back in again, and as his lips brushed against mine his phone rang. Angrily he sighed and answer it, it was probably Sam.

"What? No we're not!" The look on his face made me giggle as he looked over at me. He started moving his hand, pretending it was Sam who talks to much. "We'll be there in twenty minutes Sam, we still gotta get a gun. Sam, Sammy we're fine....alright we'll be there as soon as we can. Mhm ok bye."

"He's certainly a talker huh?"

"It's a nightmare on how much he can talk...now where were we? Oh yeah I remember." He pulled me back to his side. "Might as well steal as many kisses I can get before we head back to the kiss police." He smirked and smashed his lips against mine once more as his arms wrapped around me. This time it wasn't just a normal kiss, I fought for dominance, my tongue asking for entry. Biting his lip he pulled back, "Y/n keep doing that and I just might say screw it again.." As he said that he slipped from my grasp. "No I promised myself I can wait...c'mon let's get back to Sam." Sighing in disappointment I got back in the car, I guess he's really serious about this.

~~

"I found something." Sam says as we sit next to him. "So there's the three drowning victims this year."

"Any before that?" I wondered.

"Uh, yeah." Sam has a browser window open to The Lake Manitoc Tribune. "DROWNING TAINTS ICE FISHING FESTIVAL." It says, he clicks, and another browser window comes up, again The Tribune: 12-YEAR-OLD Girl DROWNS IN LAKE, Second drowning in 6 months at Lake Manitoc. "Damn, so six more spread out over the past thirty-five years. Those bodies were never recovered either. If there is something out there, it's picking up its pace."

"So, what, we got a lake monster on a binge?" Dean jokes as he grabs a beer, he hands the both of us one.

"Dean no." Sam tries to take it away from me.

"Aww c'mon Sammy one beer won't hurt." Dean winks at me, both of the boys stare at me as I take a sip without any reaction. "See what'd I say? She's fine."

"So this whole lake monster theory." I try getting them back on track. "It, it just bugs me."

"Why?" Sam looks at me in confusion.

"Loch Ness, Lake Champlain, there are literally hundreds of eyewitness accounts, but here, almost nothing." Sam looks at the Tribune homepage once more.

"Whatever it is out there, no one's living to talk about it." Sam states as he scrolls to the comments section of an article, I point to one.

"Wait, Barr, Christopher Barr. Where have I heard that name before?" I remember that name, I thought, it's so familiar. Sam reads from the page.

"Christopher Barr, the victim in May." Sam clicks a link, opening a new page. "LOCAL Man IN TRAGIC ACCIDENT." The picture loads and it shows a police officer with Lucas. "Christopher Barr was Andrea's husband, Lucas's father. Apparently he took Lucas out swimming. Lucas was on a floating wooden platform when Chris drowned. Two hours before the kid got rescued." Sam clicks the picture for a better look, then scratches his head. "Maybe we have an eyewitness after all."

"That kid must be so freaked out. Watching one of your parents die isn't something you just get over....." I felt bad, but so far Lucas is our only lead, hopefully he'll help us. We headed to the park planning to talk to Lucas who was our only witness. Kids are laughing and playing as Andrea sits on a bench and watches her kid. Who is at another bench coloring and playing with toy soldiers.

"Can we join you?" Sam asks and Andrea looks up.

"I'm here with my son." She says as I spot Lucas and so does Dean.

"Oh. Mind if we say hi?" Dean asks, and he lightly grabs my arm signaling for me to come with.

"Why are you bringing me with you?"

"Cause of he doesn't talk, then hopefully you can convince him." We approach Lucas, who's drawing a picture.

"How's it going?" Dean kneels down next to the bench where Lucas is coloring, when Lucas doesn't even look up, Dean picks up one of the toy soldiers.

"Oh, I used to love these things." Dean imitates guns and explosions, I chuckle as he tosses the toy soldier down.

"I think crayons is more his thing Dean. That's cool, besides I like to draw myself, including painting." I noticed that he has a pile of drawings on the bench. Dean takes a look, the top one is of a big black swirl, the second one is of a red bicycle.

"Hey, these are pretty good. You mind if we sit and draw with you for a while?" Dean asks, he picks up a crayon. "I'm not so bad myself."

"Oh really?" I ask.

"Yea I'm a pretty good artist."

"Mhm...we'll see." I grab a crayon and a piece of paper, and start drawing. "Can you draw a bird?"

"Oh so this is a competition? Your on."

Dean sits on the bench, picks up a pad of paper, and starts drawing. "You know, I'm thinking you can hear me, you just don't want to talk. I don't know exactly what happened to your dad, but I know it was something real bad. I think I know how you feel. When I was your age, I saw something." Dean says to Lucas. "You don't think anyone will listen to you, or believe you. I want you to know that I will. You don't even have to say anything. You could draw me a picture about what you saw that day, with your dad, on the lake...hm?" I say, Dean sighs. "Okay, no problem. This is for you." Dean holds out to Lucas the picture he drew, it's stick figures. "This is my family." Dean points at each person in turn. "That's my dad. That's my mom. That's my geek brother, and that's me, then a little birdy in the sky-" Dean stops talking as he sees my drawing, which was a lot more detailed than his.

"I thought you could draw Dean." I giggle.

"All right, so I'm a sucky artist...." Dean waits for any sign from Lucas, hoping he would chime in but nothing. "Well see you around, Lucas." Dean heads back to Sam and Andrea, I smile, he seems really good with kids, I thought.

"Here." I place my drawing next to Lucas. "You can keep it...just know of you need anything, I'm here." Him still not responding, I make my way to the others.

"Lucas hasn't said a word, not even to me. Not since his dad's accident." I hear Andrea say.

"Yeah, we heard. Sorry." Dean says softly.

"What are the Doctors saying?" I ask.

"That it's a kind of post-traumatic stress." She explains.

"That can't be easy. For either of you." Sam intervenes.

"We moved in with my dad. He helps out a lot. It's just...when I think about what Lucas went through, what he saw..."

"Kids are strong. You'd be surprised what they can deal with." Dean smiles and looks over at me, making me roll my eyes.

"You know, he used to have such life. He was hard to keep up with, to tell you the truth. Now he just sits there. Drawing those pictures, playing with those army men. I just wish-" Andrea goes silent as Lucas walks up, carrying a picture.

"Hey sweetie, you ok?" I kneel and smile, he hands me the picture. "Thank you..." It's a picture of the Carlton house....

~

Me and Dean are inside the motel room, I'm sitting at the table and Dean is sitting on a bed. Sam went to the library to get some books so we were alone.

"Y/n? Here." Dean suddenly speaks, he pats the seat next to him. I slowly walk over and sit next to him.

"You ok?"

"Yeah...About earlier, on the bridge...."

"Dean..."

"It's not that I don't want to I do trust me I do...."

"Don't apologize, it's ok I understand..." He glances over at me, his eyes showed a little bit of lust. We both started to lean, this feels wrong, I thought, but yet so right. We've only known each other for a few weeks, yet I wanted him more as his lips brushed against mine. Our lips connect, making me scoot closer but Dean pulls back again.

"We can't..." Yet he kisses me again muttering over and over one more. I slipped onto his lap, straddling him while pulling closer. Before we could possibly go any farther Sam opens the door and comes in as we quickly seperate.

"So, I think it's safe to say we can rule out Nessie." He says, unaware of what was going on.

"What do you mean?" I questioned, Sam sits across from me and Dean.

"I just drove past the Carlton house. There was an ambulance there. Will Carlton is dead."

"He drowned?" Dean asks.

"Yep. In the sink."

"What the hell? So you're right, this isn't a creature. We're dealing with something else."

"Yeah, but what?"

"I don't know. Water wraith, maybe? Some kind of demon? I mean, something that controls water...water that comes from the same source."

"The lake, that's the source." I chime in. "Which would explain why it's upping the body count. The lake is draining. It'll be dry in a few months so whatever this thing is, it's running out of time."

"And if it can get through the pipes, it can get to anyone, almost anywhere." Sam says as Dean stands up.

"This is gonna happen again soon. And we do know one other thing for sure. We know this has got something to do with Bill Carlton."

"Yeah, it took both his kids." Dean growls.

"I've been asking around. Lucas's dad, Chris, is Bill Carlton's godson."

"Let's go pay Mr. Carlton a visit."

~

We left to go to the Carlton house a s spotted Bill sitting on the bench on the dock. Sam speaks "Mr. Carlton?" He looks up, wondering who we are

"We'd like to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind."

"We're from the, the Department-" Bill cuts Dean off.

"I don't care who you're with. I've answered enough questions today."

"Your son said he saw something in that lake. What about you? You ever see anything out there? Mr. Carlton, Sophie's drowning and Will's death-we think there might be a connection to you or your family." I explain.

"My children are gone. It's...it's worse than dying. Go away. Please." Realizing we weren't gonna get any where we decide to head back to the car.

"What do you guys think?" Sam ask.

"I think the poor guy's been through hell. I also think he's not telling us something." Dean guesses, Sam leans on the Impala.

"So now what?" I ask, Dean goes still "What is it?"

"Huh...." Dean is looking at the Carlton house. "Maybe Bill's not the only one who knows something. Y/n do you have the picture Lucas gave to you?" I nod and pull it out, the picture Lucas brought him, which is of the Carlton house.

~

"I'm sorry, but I don't think it's a good idea." Andrea says, we decided to give Lucas another visit hoping he'd talk to us.

"We just need to talk to him. Just for a few minutes." I plead.

"He won't say anything. What good's it gonna do?"

"Andrea, we think more people might get hurt. We think something's happening out there." Sam explained.

"My husband, the others, they just drowned. That's all."

"If that's what you really believe, then we'll go. But if you think there's even a possibility that something else could be going on here, please let me talk to your son." Dean looks at her, hoping she'll say yes. Silently she agrees leads us into Lucas room with Sam and Andrea behind us, he's coloring, toy soldiers standing around him. We enter and Dean crouches down by Lucas. "Hey, Lucas. You remember us?" I notice Lucas has drawn two more pictures of a red bicycle. "You know, I, uh, I wanted to thank you for that last drawing. But the thing is, we need your help again." Lucas is drawing a person in water. Dean opens the house picture and puts it down in front of Lucas.

"How did you know to draw this? Did you know something bad was gonna happen? Maybe you could nod yes or no for me." He ignores Dean and keeps coloring. I slowly walk over and sit down in front of him. "You're scared. It's okay. I understand." Dean told him. "See, when I was your age, I saw something real bad happen to my mom...I was scared, too. I didn't feel like talking, just like you. But see, my mom-I know she wants me to be brave. Cause she taught me to be brave. And I do my best to be brave. And maybe, your dad wants you to be brave too...its ok if you don't want to, but I really need your help." Lucas drops his crayon and looks up at Dean then at me. He hands me a picture of a white church, a yellow house, and a boy with a blue baseball cap and red bicycle in front of a wooden fence.

"Thanks, Lucas." I smile, which he returns making me fill with happiness. After we left Andrea's house the three of us are standing infront of the Impala, Sam examining the church picture.

"Andrea said the kid never drew like that till his dad died." Dean speaks.

"There are cases-going through a traumatic experience could make people more sensitive to premonitions, psychic tendencies." Sam groans.

"It's all part of the process." I chime in. "Whatever's out there, what if Lucas is tapping into it somehow?"

"You mean magically?" Dean asked, confused.

"Yeah, I mean he might be connected but he doesn't even know...but what does the church have to do with this?"

"I don't know, but the only problem is there's about a thousand yellow two-stories in this county alone." Sam looks at the picture. "See this church? I bet there's less than a thousand of those around here."

"Oh, college boy thinks he's so smart." Dean comments.

"Well what about the church we passed by when we drove into town?" I wondered  which the boys thought it wouldn't hurt. So we drove to the white church shaped like the one in Lucas's picture. There's a yellow house next to the church and a wooden fence near the house. When we got to the door, I knocked and a woman answered. We told her we were FBI, at first she was hesitant but eventually let's us in.

"Im sorry to mother you ma'am, but does a little boy live here, by chance? He might wear a blue ball cap, has a red bicycle." I ask.

"No Ms, Not for a very long time. Peter's been gone for thirty-five years now." She sighs, and I notice a picture of Peter on the side table. "The police never-I never had any idea what happened. He just disappeared." Sam points out to Dean a number of toy soldiers on a table. Just like the ones at Luca's house, I thought, so I was right. "Losing him-you know, it's...it's worse than dying." She explained, however I felt someone staring at me, it was Dean. When we make eye contact he looks away, cheeks burning.

"Did he disappear from here? I mean, from this house?" Dean asks.

"He was supposed to ride his bike straight home after school, and he never showed up." Sweeny answers, I start to walk around and pick a picture off the mirror. There are two boys in the picture, one Peter with a bicycle. I read the back of the picture, the words made my eyes go wide. "Peter Sweeney and Billy Carlton, nineteen seventy." I mutter, after the visit with Mrs. Sweeny, we decide to go talk to Bill again. "Mr. Carlton?" Sam calls out as we walk up to the house, we hear an engine roar. We run around the house to see Bill going out on the lake in his boat. "Hey, check it out." Dean says, pointimg towards the lake. We start to run to the end of the dock, yelling. "Mr. Carlton! You need to come back! Come out of the water! Turn the boat around!"

He ignores us and keeps going, the boat was to far out, all I could see was the water rising up, making Bill's boat flip over.

~~

After the accident me, Sam, Dean, and Jake walk in the door of the police station. Andrea looks over, "Sam, Y/n, Dean." She stands up, putting the bag and a container on her chair. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"So now you're on a first-name basis." Jake says. "What are you doing here?"

"I brought you dinner."

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, I don't really have the time."

"I heard about Bill Carlton. Is it true? Is something going on with the lake?"

"Right now we don't know what the truth is. But I think it might be better if you and Lucas went on home." Lucas looks up and whines, looking stricken. He jumps up and grabs my arm, pulling and tugging.

"Lucas, hey, what is it?" I kneel down, it was like he was trying to get a message to me but couldn't form the words. "Lucas?"

"Lucas." Andrea calls.

"Lucas, it's okay. It's okay. Hey, Lucas, it's okay. It's okay." I say and was about to comfort him when Andrea pulls him away from me and leads him outside. He doesn't look away from me however. Jake throws down his jacket and goes into his office. The three of us follow behind. "Okay, just so I'm clear, you see...something attack Bill's boat, sending Bill-who is a very good swimmer, by the way-into the drink, and you never see him again?" Jake summarizes, Dean glances at me.

"Yeah, that about sums it up." Dean mutters.

"And I'm supposed to believe this, even though I've already sonar-swept that entire lake? And what you're describing is impossible? And you're not really Wildlife Service." Dean looks surprised. "That's right, I checked. Department's never heard of you three."

"See, now, we can explain that."

"Enough. Please. The only reason you're breathing free air is one of Bill's neighbors saw him steering out that boat just before you did. So, we have a couple of options here. I can arrest you for impersonating government officials and hold you as material witnesses to Bill Carlton's disappearance. Or, we can chalk this all up to a bad day, you get into your car, you put this town in your rearview mirror, and you don't ever darken my doorstep again."

"Door number two sounds good." Sam says but I was about to protest.

"That's the one I'd pick." After that we left, packed our stuff an left. I was pissed, there is something happening here and we're just gonna leave? The three of us are in the Impala, waiting at a traffic light. A sign says I-43 North to Milwaukee is to the left. The light turns green, but the Impala doesn't move, after a few seconds Dean turns right.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Thats what I'm wondering to. Dean, this job, I think it's over." Sam tells him.

"I'm not so sure." Dean says.

"If Bill murdered Peter Sweeney and Peter's spirit got its revenge, case closed. The spirit should be at rest."

"All right, so what if we take off and this thing isn't done? You know, what if we've missed something? What if more people get hurt?"

"Deans gotta point, I don't think this is over either." I agree.

"But why would you think that?" Sam questioned.

"Because Lucas was really scared."

"That's what this is about?" Sam groans.

"I just don't want to leave this town until I know the kid's okay." Dean agrees.

"Who are you? And what have you done with my brother?" Sam chuckles and Dean glances at Sam.

"Shut up."

~~

We arrived back at the Barr's and stood out there for at least a good five minutes.

"Are you sure about this? It's pretty late." Sam asks us, Dean rings the doorbell. At that moment, Lucas opens the door, desperately afraid.

"Lucas? Lucas!" I yell but he takes off. We follow him to the hallway, water is pouring out from under the bathroom door and down the stairs. Lucas starts pounding on the bathroom door again. Dean pushes him over to Sam and I kick in the door. Lucas grabs Dean and me, so Sam runs into the bathroom and sticks his arms in the tub, trying to pull Andrea out. She is pulled back under, and Sam is struggling, so I run over and help him out. The force is strong but not strong enough, we keep pulling until Andrea is all the way out. As soon as she's out she starts coughing up water, later Andrea is sitting in the living room, dry and wearing comfortable clothing.

"Can you tell me?" Sam asks, who is sitting next to me.

"No." She answers. Dean and I were looking through notebooks on bookshelves, to see if anything that is happening would relate to the situation.

"It doesn't make any sense." She starts crying. "I'm going crazy." She puts her face in her hands.

"No, you're not. Tell me what happened. Everything." Sam pleads.

"I heard...I thought I heard...there was this voice."

"What did it say?"

"It said...it said 'come play with me'. What's happening?" Dean pulls out a scrapbook that says "Jake - 12 years old" and opens it, flipping pages. He closes it again, nudges me and we go over to Sam. He puts the book down in front of Andrea, open to a picture of Explorer Troop 37. "Do you recognize the kids in these pictures?"

"What? Um, no. I mean, except that's my dad right there. He must have been about twelve in these pictures." She moves her finger over to another picture of Jake as a child, he is standing next to Peter. Dean looks at Sam, then me.

"Chris Barr's drowning. The connection wasn't to Bill Carlton. It must have been to the Sheriff."

"Bill and the Sheriff-they were both involved with Peter." I muttered

"What about Chris? My dad-what are you talking about?" She asks, I look over to Lucas. "Lucas?" I call, he is staring out the window.

"Lucas, what is it?" Dean asks, Lucas opens the door and walks outside. We all follow him, he look determined.

"Lucas, honey?" Andrea calls as he stops and looks at the ground, then at Dean. "You and Lucas get back to the house and stay there, okay?" Dean says and Andrea pulls Lucas back to the house. Dean and Sam presumably fetch shovels from the Impala, before they start digging. After five minutes later I hold out my hand.

"Here Sam, I'll take over, why don't you go inside?" He nods and heads inside after handing me the shovel, so now it's just me and Dean. It was silent for a little while, until I spoke. "So, we gonna talk about it?" Dean glances at me.

"About what?"

"...The kiss, that Sam sort of ruined." He laughs.

"Well uh...what is there to talk about?" He stops, making me stop as I walk over to him, lightly placing my hand on his. "Dean I...Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why kiss me? I mean do you...love me? Or is this just a fling." He goes silent for a second, but speaks.

"I don't know what I feel...however when I'm with you I'm happy..." I smile, I make him happy, I thought. "Y/n...I know your seventeen, but I want to be with you. So will you be my girlfriend?" Quickly I nod which makes a flower bloom on his features. He slams his lips against mine. He drops the shovel and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me closer. Sam clears his throat while laughing silently and we pull away, both of our cheeks red. "Am I interrupting?" I chuckle and we go back to digging as awkwardness fills the air. My shovel clanks against something, and me and Dean dig with our hands, pulling out a red bicycle.

"Peter's bike." I whisper.

"Who are you?" Jake growls from behind us, pointing a gun.

"Put the gun down, Jake." I tell him.

"How did you know that was there?"

"What happened? You and Bill killed Peter, drowned him in the lake and then buried the bike? You can't bury the truth, Jake. Nothing stays buried."

"I don't know what the hell your talking about."

"You and Bill killed Peter Sweeney thirty-five years ago. That's what the hell I'm talking about." Just then Andrea runs up yelling. "Dad!"

"And now you got one seriously pissed-off spirit." Dean mentions.

"It's gonna take Andrea, Lucas, everyone you love. It's gonna drown them. And it's gonna drag their bodies God knows where, so you can feel the same pain Peter's mom felt. And then, after that, it's gonna take you, and it's not gonna stop until it does." I tell Jake, he scoffs.

"Yeah, and how do you know that?"

"Because that's exactly what it did to Bill Carlton." Sam explains.

"Listen to yourselves, all of you. You're insane."

"I don't really give a rat's ass what you think of us. But if we're gonna bring down this spirit, we need to find the remains, salt them, and burn them into dust. Now tell me you buried Peter somewhere. Tell me you didn't just let him go in the lake." Dean begs.

"Dad, is any of this true?" Andrea asks, voice shaking.

"No. Don't listen to them. They're liars and they're dangerous."

"Something tried to drown me. Chris died on that lake. Dad, look at me." Jake does. "Tell me you-you didn't kill anyone." He looks away in shame. "Oh my God." 

"Billy and I were at the lake. Peter was the smallest one. We always bullied him, but this time, it got rough. We were holding his head under the water. We didn't mean to. But we held him under too long and he drowned. We let the body go, and it sank." Jake tells us and Dean glances at Sam. "Oh, Andrea, we were kids. We were so scared. It was a mistake. But, Andrea, to say that I have anything to do with these drownings, with Chris, because of some ghost? It's not rational."

"All right, listen to me, all of you. We need to get you away from this lake, as far as we can, right now." Dean warns, but Andrea turns her head and spots Lucas going down to the lake, she gasps. We turn to what she's looking at, "Lucas!" I yell and I run up to the dock. Lucas is leaning over the side, reaching for a toy soldier in the water. "Lucas!" Dean yells.

"Lucas! Baby, stay where you are" Andrea yells. A hand comes up and pulls Lucas into the water. The adults have reached the edge of the lake. Jake stops as Peter's head is visible, Jake recognizes him. We keep running to the end of the dock.

"Oh my God!" Andrea yells. She takes off her jacket to jump in.

"Andrea, stay there!" I say and I jump in, I could hear Andrea trying to get to Lucas.

"We'll get him! Just stay on the dock!" Sam pleads. I could see Lucas at the bottom and I swim down there to get him. He was being dragged down, I swim faster, what I didn't understand is Lucas was let go and started floating upwards. Did the ghost just let him go? That doesn't matter, I grab Lucas and swim back to the surface. I emerge while holding Lucas, who isn't moving.

~

The three of us walk out of the motel, Dean opens his car door and Sam tosses a duffel in.

"Look, we're not gonna save everybody." Sam says, he was referring to Jake who died to save Lucas.

"I know." Dean sighs.

"Sam, Dean." Andrea walks up with Lucas. "Hey." Me and Dean say at the same time. "We're glad we caught you. We just, um, we made you lunch for the road." Lucas is carrying a tray of sandwiches.

"Lucas insisted on making the sandwiches himself."

"Can I give it to them now?" Lucas excitedly asks.

"Of course." Andrea smiles and kisses his head.

"Come on, Lucas, let's load this into the car." Dean says.

"How you holding up?" I ask Andrea.

"It's just gonna take a long time to sort through everything, you know?" I sigh. "Andrea, I'm sorry, if I knew-" She silences me and shakes her head.

"You saved my son. I can't ask for more than that. Dad loved me. He loved Lucas. No matter what he did, I just have to hold on to that." I smile as Dean walks up to me with Lucas.

"All right, if you're gonna be talking now, this is a very important phrase, so I want you to repeat it one more time."

"Zeppelin rules!" Lucas laughs.

"That's right. Up high." Dean holds his hand up for a high-five. Lucas obliges, grinning.

"You take care of your mom, okay?"

"All right." The both of them leave, Dean smiles and gives me a peck on the lips, then goes around the car.

"Sam, move your ass. We're gonna run out of daylight before we hit the road."

"Yeah yeah ok." Sam chuckled as we all got in, continuing with our adventure.

The New Hunter Masterlist

@samsgirl93 @nani-gram @eliwinchester99

[hes-writer]

I'm the anon who wrote about the reality-AU ask.

And I have a different view from what you wrote, because for me there where 2 major things:

1. Reader wasn't a strong woman

2. Harry was definitely an arrogant, selfish prick to reader.

I will start with 1.

So, what moral and values? I honestly don't understand that part because for me moral and values mean one thing and I don't see they fitting the situation.

Regardless, MC wasn't a strong woman for several reasons.

She allowed her pain get in the way of her child's life several times, she literally got with the first guy that showed her love when she wasn't ready nor emotionally stable, if we take in mind that she met him at halfway through her pregnancy and in 2 years ish she was already living with him and allowing her child to call him "dad". So she clinged to Connor as a substitute and staple to the family she had planned having with Harry, just like Harry clinged to Camille's offer as a way to have what he dreamed having with Y/N. None of them put their child's best interest first, otherwise she would have found a way to deal with her pain while allowing him to be part of Halo's life and he would have found a way to accept that he would never have what he wanted bc of his mistakes in the past.

And the clearest sign of that is her conversation with Harry in the last chapter. She did love Connor, but he was only there because Harry blocked her. If he hadn't, he'd have seen the text and be involved in his kids life. So, I know you said something about being emotionally available as a parent and that's my argument for that. Harry wasn't emotionally a dad bc that chance was taken from him out of spitefulness and he still tried to be there, he made a mistake but he never gave up. He was robbed of it countless times bc MC was never healed properly to let go of her personal feelings and focus on Halo, bc I can guarantee you that if given the chance, Halo would forget it and choose to have a relationship with Harry.

Which brings me to my previous point... He wasn't Halos dad, MC made him her dad because she didn't want to deal with Harry when she knew that he had a right to at least be informed about the baby, regardless of her relationship with him. In the story you make it known that he blocked her and that's how she couldn't tell him, but she kept in touch with his family + he contacted her at some point. So, she uses her own actions against him and he let's her out of guilty, showing a bit of manipulation from her side. Both of them were toxic and manipulative. Just bc you were hurt, doesn't give you a right to act as you please, speacially when a child is involved. That shouldn't even be put to argument and I'd have agreed with you more if you hadn't tried to classify MC as a victim at all costs, even when she was the wrong one.

If this was real life, a girl behaving like her would be concerning, so why in a fanfic she's considered strong? Because she standed up for herself and for her daughter? I mean, did she truly stand up for her child? Can we truly say that? Or did she allow her own barriers and insecurities surround them and keep Harry distant? Wouldn't a healed and strong woman be capable of dealing with her ex for their's daughter sake, speacially when she's in a happy and healthy relationship?

Parents are allowed mistakes. None of them know what they're doing and the greatest majority of the world is filled with people who weren't mature enough to be parents, yet somehow were allowed to.

She was unfair and subconsciously used her child to get back at Harry for all the pain he caused her.

He left her, so she didn't tell him about their baby, then when he found out she monopolised his entire relationship with his daughter and did some pretty illegal stuff, and when he committed his first mistake with the child she cut him off completely without taking in account what her daughter wanted.

Have you watched the show The Duchess on Netflix? I think its a great example of my point here, in case you don't understand it.

Also, forgot to say that she was toxic again when she kept threatening him over wanting to be with his kid. Like, we spend tons of times telling people to be responsible with their art, as it can be a door into introducing kids to things. We also spend a ton of time telling boys that they should care about their babies and be there for them. Then you come and write a fic where the guy gets threatened and manipulated when trying to be with his 🤷🏻‍♀️

MC definitely had her right to commit her own mistakes, as I said, parents will do it countless times. But I think that's a bit unfair that she gets as many as she wants bc she got hurt previous to baby being born, yet Harry barely gets one when trying to figure himself out after finding out about his kid. You mentioned that a judge would never give Harry any custody bc of what he did and that was a bit dumb, sorry. Law is based on justice, balance and protecting the victim with fairness and justice, therefore Harry would have been granted at least the benefit of the doubt as his mistakes were minor and the victim in this story is Halo, not MC✌🏽

This is a long one.

Morals and values are not fitting in the situation.

Morals are personal beliefs that a person upholds and values are something that are regarded as important. I think that everybody uses them in most of the things they do so they definitely fit the situation.

She literally got with the first guy that showed her love...

I wouldn’t say that MC clung unto Connor and got into a relationship with him right away. The first couple of instances—they were just friends and weren’t officially together until Reign.

None of them put their child’s best interest first // Reader wasn’t a strong woman

I agree that both parties didn’t act on the best interest of their child but that doesn’t necessarily mean that MC wasn’t a strong woman. Sure, she wasn’t ideal in the context of being a mother—but she mended herself enough to give Harry a chance when he found out, even setting up limits while she was at it.

Wouldn’t you think that that takes courage? Besides the preceding fact that it is courteous to tell someone that you’re having their baby (no argument there), especially to someone who has cheated and betrayed your trust, you are sweeping the pain away. MC was letting Harry back in even if she personally didn’t want to. Harry was a huge part of her life so I think reminiscing on their relationship would never cease; they have a kid together. All the good and bad of their time together will always be present in her mind.

Harry was robbed [of being a dad]

You think that Harry was robbed of being a Dad, I can’t convince you otherwise. You said it yourself though, ‘if Harry hadn’t blocked MC, he would’ve seen the text and he would’ve been a dad to Halo’.

But he did—and the following points of your argument are, in a sense, irrelevant because what you’re pointing out is what could’ve happened if Harry didn’t do what he did. These are the consequences of his actions. “He blearily remembered bitterly blocking her number just as she texted “I need to tell you something,” <- That scene was the turning point of MC’s decision and frankly, a showcase of Harry’s immaturity. MC said she had something to tell him and he retaliated by blocking her.

As well, you mention, ‘if given the chance, Halo would forget about it’—there’s a lot of assumptions in your argument because these aren’t part of the original story. These are what you think should’ve happened.

He blocked her [...] but she kept in touch with his family

MC kept in touch with his family on the pretext that they wouldn't inform harry that the baby was his. This was because of a misunderstanding due to a post on Camille's IG page. H seemed happy with his new relationship. MC didn't NOT tell him out of SPITE—it was because she didn't want to ruin his relationship with Camille.

Harry contacted her at some point // Just because you’re hurt doesn’t give you the right to act as you please

Yes, Harry did contact her—to call her a ‘whore’ and stated that she ‘probably slept around’ during their relationship. [ie. Harry: Why not? Scared that y’gonna have to admit that everything you put on was an act? How can y’move on so fast and give me shit about it?”] I’m guessing that’s probably not the best way for H to ask about MC’s pregnancy and I can imagine that the sheer rudeness and projection will deter most people.

His dialogues were an attack on her personality (that she was a liar and disloyal), on the validity of her emotions (that she was faking them), and on her identity as woman solely because he was crumbling under the truth that he was the one who messed up. I mentioned before that Harry’s insults were a projection as a result of his defence mechanism. Meaning that he was—to some extent—aware that MC hadn’t cheated but convinced himself otherwise to feel less guilty. Therefore, at the end of Halo, he judged the credibility of their child.

If this was real life...

And this is a fanfiction.

Once again, MC might not have been the ideal representation of a strong woman, but she stepped up when Halo was introduced.

Imagine going through a break-up with your SO of two years while you’re pregnant because he went behind your back FOR A YEAR, amidst hormonal changes, still going to work, and trying to find yourself when someone has taken so much of you—that’s traumatizing. Healing isn’t linear. Just because you’re wounded doesn’t mean that you’re not strong.

She was unfair and subconsciously used her child to get back at Harry

MC was honest but she wasn’t truthful. Her intentions were human nature yet keeping Halo away from Harry wasn’t very truthful of her—in legalities and such.

I don’t think MC monopolized H/H’s relationship. She gave Harry a chance to bond with Halo, and they did. As mentioned, MC had set limits and boundaries when discussing Harry’s presence in their daughters’ life. It was a legally binding, word-of-mouth, agreement that Harry assented to.

[he was] threatened and manipulated

In that sense, Harry’s hostility towards MC in Reign was threatening her decision to have him around [ie. You’re not something I would take the time to handle,” // You’re a goddamn mistake is what you are,’]

I understand your concern and I apologize for that. I’m not explicitly saying that this one piece of fiction is satirical in the sense that it’s the opposite of what society chants because that would be vile of me to do. Every circumstance is different though—it really is a choice of preference, validation and weighing out the subject matter.

You mentioned that a ‘judge would never give Harry custody’ and that was a bit dumb...

That line was never part of the story.

"Take it up legally if you'd like. Want to have a custody battle? Bring it on. Let's see whose side the judge is on after they find out that you cheated on me while I was pregnant with Halo."

Suggesting that the conclusion can be one of shared-custody wherein MC has more time with Halo (80/20 visitation schedule).

[queerchoicesblog]

A Few Words On Pride Month 2020

So, pride month has come at last. No matter how crazy it sounds right now as we're experiencing first-hand one of those events that will end up in history handbooks one day.

I'll be honest, it's quite difficult for me to talk about it now when everything that is not Mrs Rhona releted seems so well less relevant than it was before. But I want to share a few words that most likely nobody will read but I'll let them flow anyway.

I watch that video every single year during pride month. It's from a series I liked quite a lot back then, it's called Sense8. The character speaking is a trans woman, an lgbtq+ hacktivist, reminiscing her disastrous relationship with her transphobic mother yet finding strength in her own sorrow. There is a passage I love:

Today I'm marching to remember that I'm not just a me

But I'm also a we

And we march with pride

These words resonate with me: they summarise perfectly the deep empathy and acceptance that I feel should make us stick together. Both inside the lgbtqa+ community and as human beings: "I am a human being, and thus nothing human is alien to me". I'm quoting by heart a Latin playwright named Terentius (Terence in English, I guess?) so forgive me if I got something wrong but what I mean is...we should all care about each other because no matter our differences, our sexuality or color of skin or class, we are human. We are brothers and sisters: I'm an only child but I believe that the definition of a healthy family is one where people overcome differences that don't truly matter in the end, they don't define us as worthy or unworthy of love and respect which should always be given to another human being.

Unless there are valid reasons not to.

As the latest happenings in the world have shown, a hard truth we all know has been reinforced: we live in a cruel, unfair world where, as Nomi said, "hating isn't a sin on that list and neither is shame". A world where people get hurt or killed for reasons which can be hardly called a motive for violence: not being white, not being rich enough, being different, holding a hand or kissing a person of the same sex in the street.

We may comfort ourselves saying these fears were past fears, last century or even Victorian age fears but no, they're still out there. And we can't turn a blind eye.

The current pandemic added new ones, making our lives even more miserable. Speaking of the lgbtqa+ community, I think I can say the social distancing is hitting even harder. Does anybody feel lonelier now? I rise my hand, I do. I'm not referring to the fact that pride parades are cancelled (because we all know there is a freaking valid reason atm), but getting in touch with other people is way harder now. In my personal experience, getting in touch with fellow lgbtqa+ folks was rare even before the pandemic, now it's hella tough. In the street we hide our faces behind masks and don't have the same careless attitude we used to display. Shaking hands and even the lightest touch or proximity are not allowed under the new restrictions: a few weeks ago, over here a couple was charged for hugging each other in the street. How sad and dystopic are these times we live in...

Virtual meetings can help but they're not like in person meetings: the warmth of personal interaction is simply not there. We try but it's not there. Couples are separeted by lockdown rules and so are some families. Lgbtqa+ hotlines are a saving grace and I cannot stress enough how important they are and how anyone struggling with their mental health or literally anything concerning themselves, their gender and sexuality should feel free to contact those volunteers who are a blessing restoring a little faith in humanity.

My thoughts are for those of us who got stuck quarantining with homophobic/biphobic/transphobic etc parents or roommates, and those stuck in abusive contexts. Yes, even relationships because - I know I'll be super unpopular saying this but we can't lie especially to the minor or vulnerable ones- lgbtqa+ relationships can be abusive and toxic too. As I said, we're human and I am sick and tired of the honeyed sunshine rhetoric of lgbtqa+ people and love as an ever right and righteous safe haven. It is a safe haven for us to some extent but we must acknowledge there are problematic issues in our community. We have to be honest with each other especially for the sake not only of each other but for the vulnerable ones and the young. Like criticising or reporting abusers, predators, rapists and so on don't make us all filthy creatures who will burn on a stake for our abominable sins. It just makes us responsible and looking out for each other.

We spend so long dreaming of finding someone of the same sex to be with that when someone shows us any sign of affection our feelings for them grow fast, even when red flags or abuse enter our lives. We stay because we're hungry for love and crave what straighties seem to get so easily: love, acceptance, reciprocity. To the young and everyone who needs to hear this I wanna say: it doesn't have to be like that. Don't ever settle for cheap love only because you feel you will lose your only chance to be loved. There are good people out there too and you deserve one of them at your side. You will find them, your paths will cross: just be patient and never ever forget the importance of respect and consent.

To all those experiencing anything like the relationships or toxicity I mentioned, who feel silenced by the sunshine rhetoric, I say: you are not alone, stay strong and you did nothing wrong, others did and I'm sorry you're going through this cause you don't deserve it.

I share a similar shutout to those struggling with mental and/or physical disorders. If you ever felt pretty much invisible, you're not. I see you, many others see you and we're all rooting for you. You're stronger than you think and you're beautiful.

The not-as-unfortunate-as-the abovementioned but still quite forlorn are the star crossed lovers meeting that special someone in a bad time. Quarantine will see the blossoming of some romances but also takes no prisoners, blowing off others. They don't vanish though, in most cases they turn into those impossible loves and what if we love so much in the movies and hate in real life. I wish I could lay a blanket or pull into a tight hug all those going through this. Your pain is not irrelevant even if there are worst things in the world right now, our souls hurt for things like that. I hold your shaking hand wherever you are as you stare blankly at your phone, waiting for a message or a call that will never come, or you reminisce, listening to a romantic playlist you still have saved on your device. Your suffering is my suffering.

On a brighter side, cause I don't wanna be a complete downer, the luckiest ones among us are blessed with love and I can't be any happier for you, whoever you are. I can picture the one day a few years from now when I will be talking to someone and they will share their story saying how they met the love of their life during the pandemic. How it wasn't easy at first because of all the uncertainty and fears but they kept trying and it all started with a social distancing date at a park or via Zoom. You lucky ones, cherish that and never take what you have for granted: the love you feel and that special someone is showing you is a balsam in hard times. Please cherish it dearly and never stop loving: one day you'll warm these old bones and lonely heart if we ever get the chance to cross path.

Actually I don't have any more wisdom to share, granted what I wrote can be called wisdom, nor giveaway. I considered doing a lgbtqa+ one in honor of the pride month but I feel nobody would be interested. Or at least not by me and I fully agree: writing is getting hard and I feel like I risk of ruining everything I dedicate myself to, as I usually do in my life. I'll follow the tips of a few anons (I think?) and devote this month to educate myself over aspects, nuances or realities I am not fully familiar with: so I'll watch Pose and Sex Education. Hopefully I'll learn something new that might make me a better human being.

Feel free to share further advice: books, articles, movies, series, documentaries...you name it! Drop a message or an ask and I'll make what I'm starting now a lasting project!

That is my advice: if you're stuck inside with nothing much to do this month, find something that might enrich you, even a little thing, and go for it.

As well as reminding yourself the usual stuff: you are not wrong nor unlovable, you're not offensive or dirty for being attracted to your same sex or both or none. Not to quote Lady Gaga, but it's truly is that simple: you are born and beautiful this way.

Stay safe and stay strong, my darlings 🏳️‍🌈

Love,

E.

[iveneverbeenanatural-13]

Update for today

Lockdown for Covid-19 March 27th

I guess I'm writing the story of my life...?

Things are better. Last night was rough because of depression and anxiety... I got to thinking why do I do this to myself? To be honest there is a lot I don't share with people and as a result I tend to break down at random times. I'm not looking for pity, more just friends... People who get it. I'm glad I started to post more on here as it feels sorta like a diary. And maybe right now that's what I need. Even if no one reads this that's ok.

Maybe I will just spell it all out. See what comes from it. So here it goes.

I haven't had a bad life. I'm only 23 but it just feels like a long life with many extra bumps in it... Things just manage not to go the way id like it to most of the time. So now I'm just used the noise. I had a good childhood but many many memories of a broken family. An angry dad (not necessarily towards us kids) a mom who coped with alcohol. I often took care of my siblings as the eldest of five. And there are many other things I won't mention... It was hard. It was dysfunctional. We'd have money then didn't. We'd have food then didn't. We'd have a week of no fighting with my parents and then they would be at each other's throats the next several weeks. We'd have moments of joy but usually short-lived moments. I'm not saying it was all bad. I have good memories too. Singing Taylor Swift songs to my mini laptop webcam is a memory I have. Making music with my brother was a good memory I have. And spending time with friends too.. it wasn't all bad...

Fast forward to about 3 years ago I thought I met the love of my life. Things seemed fine. But it was the calm before the storm. After my ex and I got together things sorta slowly started to get worse. My dad didn't support my relationship. He thought we were moving too fast. My mom wasnt happy and coped with more alcohol. And even tho they had briefly separated a couple years before I thought they wouldn't ever get divorced. Well I was wrong...

My ex and I tried so hard to make our relationship work. And I think I pushed things because I wanted some kind of happy ending. Most of my friends had gotten married or were in happy relationships. This was my first real relationship. So I thought this could be the last. There were constant fights and bitterness started to grow between us... We were co-dependent. We tried to live on our own but due to a mental illness he had, he had a hard time keeping a job. So we were just CONSTANTLY STRUGGLING. It just became not a safe place anymore. We did get engaged after about a year. My dad didn't agree and we didn't have any wedding help. My friends tried to help but it was almost like people didn't take us seriously. Which hurt because I was always there for them whether I agreed with their decisions or not. My mom straight up left my Dad and moved into her own place. I was in between a lot when it came to my mom and dad. Trying to help them to get along for my sister's sake. But there were many fights or my mom getting so drunk that the police were called... DISCLAIMER: I want to say. My parents aren't bad parents. They're just broken.

My ex and I were under so much never-ending stress. We broke up and got back together several times. It was awful. Words were said, feelings were hurt, then we'd forgive and start all over again. I like to think that was the burning Red Taylor was talking about. We loved each other so much. But it wasn't a healthy lifestyle. You lose yourself. You lose who you want to be just so you can help keep the other person from drowning. After two years my parents were officially getting divorced. My dad had gone through severe depression so I moved into his place because I honestly was afraid he would kill himself. That was rough. I had also briefly moved into my moms to help her. This was the breaking point for her. And I had to get my sisters who were living with her at the time and help them to pack up and leave. They no longer wanted to be there. Leaving her behind and closing her apartment door while glimpsing her looking so sad was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Time went on. We finally got through that. I got through that.

During this time I had lost friends. Or at least we didn't talk much anymore. I think they just didn't know how to approach me. And I know they didn't mean it. I was in a place where I couldn't be reached. Later my mom had left our state of NC and moved about 45 mins away to SC with her new Boyfriend. We like him. He's nice. And she's doing so much better! My dad had met a lady and got engaged rather quickly in my opinion lol. But as long as he's happy. When things finally started to calm down a bit with my family the damage had already been done in my relationship. It wouldn't stop. The fighting the arguing. Even after we had moved to our own little house. But it was still my home. I had my cats and my own space. I loved it. Well, back in November a huge fight had occurred and we believed we shouldn't be living together for the time being. I moved in with my grandmother.. I went back and forth a lot. Set up for Christmas and we even got to go on a little vacation. I hadn't been on a vacation in so long. Yet again, it was the calm before another storm. One night in December, the Friday before Christmas (my absolute favorite holiday) I got a call. It was my ex. He said he couldn't do it anymore. And that he was breaking up with me. He said he couldn't tell me face to face because it would be too hard and he probably would change his mind. And I cried. And begged him not too. This all happened after a particularly hard argument we had the day before. Where I had done something wrong and I did apologize for it. But it just wasn't enough... And that was it. The end of my 2-year whirlwind relationship. I was heartbroken. He got really angry and was just saying really mean things to me. Personal things that really affected me. I had to go get all my stuff. Leave one of my kitties behind and give the other one up because I couldn't bring her with me. She is rehomed to one of my best friends. She had been there through pretty much all of it. I'm so grateful I have her. I saw my ex went on a date after 3 weeks. And yeah. It was awful. I felt like the scum of the earth.

And I thought that was it... Hahaha It wasn't. I missed my period for the whole month of January. I didn't even think anything of it. Then I finally took a test. And LOW AND BEHOLD it was positive. My whole life took a fucking turn in one second and I was literally losing my mind. So yeah. Fast forward to now. I'm 16 weeks. Working through my severe depression and anxiety. I had had plans to really work on myself but now that I'm pregnant you can't really take many medications during this time. And that's very hard as I have trouble functioning normally day today... I was looking for a job for months and when I finally found one Covid-19 showed its ugly head and I lost that job. And now I'm here. Not sure of how I'm going to provide for this baby. But the father and I have much a better relationship then we've ever had. We are not back together tho. There's still struggles and obstacles but at this point it's just part of my life. So that's it more or less. That's where I'm at now. I'm very grateful that even tho my family isn't together we all still show up for each other. And even tho I sometimes still get stuck between my dad and moms problems they're still alive and well. And now I have a baby. Which was my ultimate dream. I guess I just want to know that I can provide a really good life for it. As these are not the circumstances I had wished for myself. And that it's childhood is better than my childhood or even my ex's. He struggled too... I'm scared right now because I can't work and I'm constantly battling these demons. But at the same time I know somehow it'll all work out... Eventually... You know what I hope for myself tho? That I find a love that's golden. Not red.