#literally rushed this thing just for it to fall on the 3rd of april

[geraldwhom]

just finished making an animation thingy.,,,,, might post it by tomorrow when i ocme from from scholl.,.,,

[onlysmagic]

🌌  ———  MEET CORDELIA .

hey hey hey! it's me, honey, back again. i've miss everyone so very much. how have you all been? good, i hope. for the time being, i'll be playing sweet cordy again ( nothing new  . . . nothing's changed . . . still the same old cordy! ) but noah could be coming back soon ~* and maybe some new muses *~ ooOOoOOh. as always, hit the heart for a new old friend and i'll im you to get the party started!

cordy’s stats 🌌 cordy’s wanted connections 🌌 cordy’s pinboard

thanks again for an incredibly warm welcome back! i've missed you all terribly!

🌌 —  THE STATS .

FULL   NAME *    . CORDELIA AMI WANTANABE . NICKNAMES *    CODY   ,   DELIA   ,   CORDY . AGE *    TWENTY-FOUR . DATE   OF   BIRTH *    APRIL   3RD   1996 . STAR   SIGN *    ARIES . HOME   TOWN *    NARA   ,   KANSAI   ,   JAPAN . GENDER *    CIS FEMALE . SEXUALITY *    (   CLOSETED   )   BISEXUAL . NATIONALITY *    JAPANESE . ETHNICITY *    ASIAN . FAMILY *    WANTANABE   TSUYOSHI   (   FATHER   ,   MAINTENANCE   WORKER   -   JAPANESE   )   &   WANTANABE   AMI   -   FORMERLY   ITO   (   MOTHER   ,   FLORIST   -   JAPANESE-CANADIAN   ) . OCCUPATION *   UNEMPLOYED . PLAYLIST *   COMING   SOON .  QUIRK *    STELLARKINESIS   ,   OR   THE   ABILITY   TO   CREATE   AND / OR   MANIPULATE   STARS   AND   USE   THEIR   STELLAR   ENERGY  . 

🌌 —  THE STORY.

           ONCE UPON A TIME , IN A FAR-AWAY LAND known as nara , an ordinary girl is born to two parents who love her ( but cannot seem to love themselves. ) they name her cordelia and, from a young age, there was always something a little . . . off about their sweet girl. now, many parents would claim that their child glows & a light seems to follow them wherever they wander, but the wantanabes would be right.

           it isn’t until the young girl turns 10 that she realizes that no, not everyone can bend space and time to their own whim. not everyone sees the universe as a malleable thing, able to be crafted in one’s own image should they wish. in fact, she is the only one she knows who can do anything of the sort. okay, her dad has superhuman-like strength ( in that he can help her open bottles and things of that sort ) and her mother is incredibly quick-witted, but neither of them can conjure hot balls of gas and light whenever they wish. cordelia can. it’s her mother’s idea to keep it a secret, out of fear that someone could find the young girl and exile her for being so . . . different. delia doesn’t see the harm in it. what’s the worst that can happen? at that age, all she tended to do was bring a bit of starlight to the light-polluted nara and its surrounding areas. it wasn’t like she was dangerous in her mind, it’s all fun and games . . . until someone gets hurt.

           and who should get hurt? why, her beloved parents, of course. a freak accident ( a rush, a blur, not knowing where her powers could take her. ) cordelia was swallowed whole by the guilt of seeing both of her parents in the hospital, doctors whizzing around them while not knowing what in the world had gotten to either of them. they couldn’t for the life of them guess; most thought lightning had something to do with it. if they only knew it was the little girl sitting at each of their bedsides, hot tears streaming down her cheeks.

           they both eventually got to go home -- becoming known around nara as the lightning couple, due to the belief that they both were struck by lightning, despite the outlandish odds -- but cordy knew that she wouldn’t be able to go home with them. she would never forgive herself if something worse ( and there wasn’t much worse that could happen to either of them ) so she found hosu and ran, ran, ran. of course, when she arrived safe and sound, she wrote to her parents, but she’s broken inside knowing that, well, it has to be this way. it’s breaking them all, but it has to be this way.

🌌 —  WELCOME TO THE ISLE.

          THE BROWN-EYED girl shows up on the island shaking. she'd never done anything so brash before, yet, here she was, so many miles away from everything she'd ever known and with nothing to her name . . . nothing other than that stupid quirk she'd been all but cursed with.

          stupid stars. stupid light. stupid gas. stupid universe.

          . . . so what if she's not exactly eloquent, she's too angry to care. what a wicked way to go, but cordelia figures it's better her than her parents. they do forgive her, eventually, but it takes quite a few conversations that last hours upon hours and some good, old fashion groveling. afraid of growing so close to someone that she can hurt them again, cordelia becomes a master of being seen and not heard; it's easier to not be missed if no one really knows you, after all.

          but it's incredibly lonely. living by a rule that an eleven-year-old version of herself created is becoming harder and harder with each passing day, especially when she starts having to lie to mom and dad when they ask about her friends ( cordelia never did like that sad sounding sigh that would always come across the line. ) so she creates these fanciful friends and their fantastic adventures across the isle. they all have their own quirks but they learn to live with them, learn to love them and, by extension, themselves. yeah, it sounds something out of a coming-of-age film that cordelia would probably love . . . but what her parents don't know won't hurt them.

          but it'll end up hurting cordelia. karma's been chasing not too far behind with its sight set on her and, one day, it finally gets her. a horrible accident, her mother exclaimed, so much blood and just -- what, what is going on? cordelia's heart was in her throat and she wanted to scream until she broke the sound barrier. she nearly went supernova ( quite literally, too. it took everything in her not to explode right then and there. ) her father was hit by some punk drunk driver and was announced dead on arrival . . . what? why would the universe do such a thing? why would those stupid stars that everyone swore by decide to take such an inherently good person away?

          it wasn't fair. cordelia fell into a deep deep depression. the stars didn't shine nearly as brightly as they once did ( there was no one to create new galaxies for anymore. ) every night, she'd watch the stars she'd created for her father, her mother, the old friends she knew in nara, die slow deaths. soon, there would be nothing left in the world with her namesake on it and cordelia, all at once, found that to be a crying shame. call it her father's optimism finally rubbing off on her, or just simply finding it hard to keep lying to her now-widowed mother.

          she was going to find some friends . . . anyhow, anyway. if karma, the stars, the government, anything or everything was keeping an eye on her, she’d at least give them a worthwhile show.

🌌 —  PERSONALITY TRAITS.

POSITIVE : appropriate, brave, balanced, sugary, polite, organized, practical.

NEGATIVE : co-dependent, stuffy, standoffish, aloof, lethal, anti-social, incapable, dishonest.

LABEL : the doll . . . beautiful but fragile / untouchable.

EASTERN ZODIAC SIGN : THE RAT . . . a clever, quick thinker; successful, but content with living a quiet and peaceful life.

WESTERN ZODIAC SIGN : ARIES / THE RAM . . . a fire sign.  a passionate, motivated, and confident leader who builds community with their cheerful disposition and relentless determination. uncomplicated and direct in their approach, they often get frustrated by exhaustive details and unnecessary nuances.

PERSONALITY TYPE : INTJ / THE ARCHITECT . . . highly analytical, creative and logical.

🌌 —  THE CONNECTION IDEAS .

AURIGA / THE CHARIOTEER  . . . you and cordelia live in the same building. you have the ( un ) fortune of living above her, and in the middle of the night, you awaken to so many odd noises. when you look outside your window, you see her in the middle of the field painting the night sky with thousands of sparkling lights. stars . . . and so many of them! maybe you like them, maybe you ask her to spell out a swear word in the sky, or maybe you just want to sleep.

CASSIOPEIA - THE QUEEN  . . . cordelia rubs you the wrong way. that emotionless void of a girl has gotten on your last nerve and you are going to show her. how? you're not sure yet, but she will rue the day she ever crossed you. wait, what do you mean she's not that bad? that's not fair! you're supposed to hate her . . . wait, did you ever?

CYGNUS - THE SWAN . . . you fell for a vision. no, literally, a vision. they say you only dream up faces you've seen in real life, and for some reason, cordelia is that face. maybe she visits you in dreams and messes with your head, or maybe she's that serial killer who runs after you down the never-ending hallway with a knife in her hand and a smile on her face. how do you deal with seeing her . . . all the time?

GEMINI - THE TWINS . . . something happened and you were both in a tough situation, with cordelia being in the tougher of the two. you two strike a deal to help one another, but you tell her that she owes you. whatever she owes you, that's the deal ( please don't be weird about it tho ) and, for as long as you'd like, she can run around and do your errands for you, tell everyone your blunt opinion of them ( she's pretty good at that ) or just have to listen to you sing the entire aladdin soundtrack over and over again at 3 am. your call.

LYRA - THE LYRE . . . cordelia's never been the type to truly understand people. she always thought that it was because she was so sheltered growing up, really choosing to spend her time with her parents and a select friends from school. however, as she's grown up, she's come to learn that she does want to understand people . . . she just can't. not for trying, but she's too blunt, too sardonic, too -- cordelia. which is why she enlists your help. you're the golden child and she'd like a little bit of that sparkle to shine on her, thank you very much.

ORION - THE HUNTER . . . call it fate, destiny, whatever you will -- something brought you and cordelia together for a fun summer romance. however, now that summer’s melted into fall and everything is getting colder, so did your romance. you broke it off in a way that you thought was amicable but cordelia would be quick to disagree with. she doesn’t want you back, per say, but she does wish that she could have had better closure than a single text message . . . then again, she wasn’t exactly an angel in the relationship either. after she drops off one of your hoodies, you find a crumpled up note stuck in the pocket of someone confessing their love for cordelia . . . during your relationship. seriously, it includes your name and everything! do you confront her, or do you try and get the pair together?

URSA MAJOR - THE BIG BEAR . . . she didn’t mean to, honestly !! you just so happened to be hit by that star and, oh god, it’s like the entire ordeal with her parents all over again. only except she doesn’t really know you. every day during your stint in the hospital, you receive a bouquet of beautiful flowers -- maybe they’re your favorites or maybe they’re the type you cannot stand -- with the same note. i’m sorry. you figure it isn’t from anyone you know; it can’t be, can it? on your second-to-last day, the apologetic message is accompanied by an address and a little, scratchy handwritten note asking to meet someone there. against your better judgement you do, but no one is there . . . until you look up in the sky to see an incredible array of different-colored gasses ,you’ve never seen a nebula up close, save for photographs. a tall, black-haired girl walks beside you and begins to explain that she did not mean to hit you with a shooting star. she was simply practicing but her aim isn’t where it needs to be. do you believe this girl, or run as far as you can away from her?

[celinamarniss]

2019 End of Year Fic Review

Word count, writing review, and planned fics for next year: 

In 2019 I posted 7 fics at 72,149 words. 

Compare to the previous years: 

2018: 7 fics posted, 87,752 words

2016: 9 fics posted, 51,643 words 

2017: 9 fics posted, 115,336 words

2016: 9 fics posted, 51,653 words 

Proprietary Indulgences was by far the most popular fic I wrote this year, and SWAK was by far the least (though Monster Stories is never going to be wildly popular either). 

I didn’t post anything a single fic until April, and then not again until July. In the fall I posted a fic a month. There’s a reason: in January I started a new full time job, and from March-Aug, I was working on a very intense creative project, which ate up my creative energy and spare time. It wasn’t until the fall that I figured out how to balance my schedule and devote more time/space to fic. 

 I felt a little guilty not posting anything until April, and when I did post, it was the fucked-up Thrawn/Mara hatesex fic Favors! Not at all what I expected for this year. Next year I won’t take so long to post. 

I like to bounce back and forth between genres with each successive fic, and I definitely achieved that this year! The darker and sex-heavy fics with Thrawn were interspersed between lighter things like Wizard and SWAK. 

I started drafting on paper (at work, where I don’t have access to my personal files) and found it helps me get words out quickly, which I can then edit later. Now that time is a more precious commodity, I have to focus in on whatever fic I’m trying to finish. Deadlines help; I’m good with deadlines, even if I have to make them up myself. I’m still a pantser who writes out of sequence, but as long as everything comes together in the end, that’s okay. 

The fic whining circle was, as always, essential to the writing process. Probably even more so this year. They were there to pick me up whenever I had doubts about my work, to help answer any questions, and to cheer me along. Favors and Triumvirate would not have been written at all without evilmouse and JediMordSith egging me on and encouraging me (and providing me with titles and summary ideas). 

The Triumvirate verse ate my brain in the latter part of the year and will continue to do so into 2020. This series has pushed me in so many ways. I gave into writing something id-y and questionable. I wrote longer, more complicated, filthier sex scenes than I’d written before, and I learned so much from the process. I feel much more confident about writing smut going forward. 

I feel much more confident about my fic in general. 

SWAK was written for a SW-adjacent podcast that’s over now, and its modest fandom moved on to other podcasts. SWAK will likely never get much attention. That’s a shame, because I had a lot of fun writing pure comedy again. It was a little rushed in the end, and I made mistakes (characters who died on the podcast are living in my fic! Whoops!) I wrote it for a friend, and as long as it made her happy (and it did) I considered it a success. 

I started doing the occasional author’s notes on my tumblr (check there for further comments on Wizard). I like doing them and will probably continue to work my way through my back catalogue of fic, although I don’t know if I’ll get to them all, or if I’ll do multiple posts for multi-chapter fics. I hope people find them interesting! 

I made banners for every single fic I wrote this year! The entire list of banners can be found here. 

I signed up for the Star Wars Big Bang 2020! I’m not sure which fic I’ll end up writing for BB, probably either the Mara&Lando fic or the daemon AU. 

The fic-to do list for 2020: 

The Last Command Swap Remix–-this is a long fic I’ve been working on forever, and is about 2/3rds?? done at this point. I really need to finish it up. It’s been languishing while I’ve been distracted by new shiny things. NEEDS A PROPER TITLE. 

Return to Naboo–-the second big arc of the Triumvirate series. Return to Naboo is not the actual title. Luke does return to Naboo! Political and familial complications ensue. 

Daughter of the Rain and Snow–-After posting Wizard of the Dune Sea, I got very excited about writing a prequel from Mara’s pov. I got as far as outlining it when Triumvirate took over my brain. I still want to go back and write it. 

Daemon AU–-what it says on the tin. 

Sensate--a smutty, romantic L/M fic. A Valentine’s day fic? 

Mara and Lando fic–-this poor fic idea has been on this list for literally YEARS. I still want to write it. I still can’t decide on the tone. I still have a bunch of ideas that have never cohered into an actual plot. Will 2020 be its year?!

The Courtship of Luke Skywalker–-a Courtship remix! Mara raised on Dathomir as a witch! A wacky idea that I definitely want to write just to amuse myself! I just need the time!!!!

Experiments--poor Experiments. I’m not even sure I want to write this story anymore, though I don’t want to abandon the half a dozen scenes I’ve written for it either. 

Clones????–-I have a sort of half baked idea about Mara clones that may or may not go anywhere. 

[uniqueharreh]

The Night We Met

Summary: Harry loses his spouse to a terrible car accident, left with anger, sadness and loneliness, he finds a diary she kept writing for years. 

Warning: TW - depression, mention of a car accident -- if you lost someone and reading about it makes you feel uneasy, please don’t torture yourself like this. Otherwise, a lot of one-sided fluff to a sad person. 

Word Count: 2.2k 

Song Recommendation for this piece is Lord Huron - The Night We Met.

Sitting in our bedroom, without you. I never thought I would. I knew we were meant to be, you inspired a lot of art, a lot of songs that meant a lot to other people. You were my muse for all these years, and now, you weren’t here. 

And I couldn’t bring you back. I couldn’t. Your phone number was never going to be yours again, and you would never reply. 

And I couldn’t just go to your parents, ask if you were home. Because you weren’t, your address wasn’t on the Earth anymore. And, I thought many, many times of reuniting with you. To just stop the years of waiting until I can meet you, hug you and kiss you again. 

I canceled the rest of the tour, the second I found out what happened. And I still blamed myself for it. Not the drunk driver, or your impulsiveness behind the wheel. I always said you are going to have a car accident if you don’t keep both of your hands on the wheel, and both of your eyes on the road. 

You were just always the kind of person, who needed to talk and throw their hands around. Who bent half in their waist when they laughed. And you used to tell me that I was too serious and needed to live a little. 

I sent my driver for you, to bring you to the airport. We were supposed to meet in Japan, and you would continue the rest of the tour with me. I always felt much calmer, when I had you by my side. But you were a strong-willed woman, you needed to have your own business, and sometimes our ways just parted. 

And I admired you how patient you were with me, and my fans, and people around me. And I still remember the day I asked you to come to one of my shows, it was kind of narcissistic. But it was probably one of the best shows I have ever done. 

I could feel you in this room more than anywhere else. You taught me how to open up and talk about my emotions, which led to loads of fights at first, but then, you also taught me how to relax, how to sleep in. You changed me into a much more relaxed man. 

I also remember how my best friend and also a manager was watching the show, from his usual place. Jeff looked devastated, I was in the middle of the show and couldn’t be happier to see you tomorrow when you land. 

I had last two songs to perform, but I felt like something was wrong, and a single look at Jefferey was enough. I knew something bad happened. I walked over to him, leaned a bit lower so I could hear him. The fans were screaming loud, and his, Y/N had an accident, but she’s alright, scared me. But I knew that it’s last two songs and I can worry then. 

I was never the type of musician who would cancel a show in the middle of a set. I thought it was unprofessional, but the creeping emotion in the back of the spine, just made the entire ending uncomfortable. 

You died. You were in an accident, that took your life. There was nothing the responders could do for you. Jeff knew I would collapse on the stage if he told me the truth. Because that’s what happened backstage, I had to be taken to a hospital and to be given IRV. I remember calling your phone so many times, not being able to cope with the fact you were gone.

A quiet buzzing interrupted me from rethinking the night all over and over again. 

Mitch

Are you okay? Just landed in LA with Sarah, can come to meet you if you want.

I gave him a quick call, just to assure him I was doing well. He always texted me, asked me how I was doing. He spent days with me in hospital, taking care of me, trying to make me talk. But I couldn’t even open my eyes without crying. 

I walked around the room frantically, trying to calm myself down. I shouldn’t come to our house so soon. I wasn’t ready yet. But then I noticed a black leather notebook. I remember you to have the notebook with you everywhere, and you would never tell me what you were using it for. You said it’s a top secret and no one can know. 

It opened directly on one certain page, it seems like you used to reread that part, there was lots of heart painted there. And I felt my eyes getting watery at the sight of your handwriting. It was so polished, so beautiful. You could illustrate books, or create all these motivational quotes for online businesses. 

I sat down and started reading, wiping tears that escaped my eyes.

3rd April 2014

Dear diary, 

I met a lovely guy. He is a bit younger than me but so persistent. It was kind of a gimmick. It was like all these young adult books stories. Where the girl spills coffee on the guy and he turns out to be a vampire or something and they fall in love deeply. I was in my usual rush, carrying my laptop, handbag, books, and coffee in one hand while calling my boss. He was yelling at me, as usual, and all of sudden I ran into someone. Of course, I spilled my coffee all over his white t-shirts, my laptop fell on the ground and my screen is bit cracked, but it’s still working quite alright and everything just fell out of my handbag. 

Instead of yelling at me, he started picking my stuff and handing me the books I dropped, making sure my laptop wasn’t broken. He even apologized, and I lost it when I made a proper look at him. He was so beautiful. I never believed in love at first sight, but he looked like someone I would walk to at our wedding. His beautiful green eyes were looking down at me, he was speaking and I wasn’t sure if I heard him. I was just losing myself in the beautiful eyes. And his soothing, low and a bit raspy voice. 

And then he invited me out. That’s when I snapped out of it. And said no. 

What is actually wrong with me. 

Dear diary, it’s 25th of September 2016 and I just married this guy who happens to be my anchor. Just thought of an update. xoxo

I started crying, literal sobs were coming out of my throat. I always knew how much you meant to me, how much of a better person you were making me, Y/N. But I never understood what you saw in me. Even the point of us running into each other was different in my view. I was fighting with my sister over little things through texts. I wasn’t looking where I was going and all of sudden I had the warm black stain on my T-shirt. It was a natural habitat to apologize because it was my fault. 

24th April 2012, 

Dear Diary, 

I’ve been a bit busy lately. But apparently, he got my business card and texted me nonstop. I mean Harry. The guy that I spilled my coffee at. Tonight, we were supposed to meet. Well, he invited me to his show. Or his band’s, actually. Told me to meet him backstage and stuff. 

I must admit he is talented, quite the package. And after his security guard led me to the backstage, he introduced me to everyone in the room. I was nervous, my friends told me who he was, and how successful his band was starting to get. 

After he took a quick shower, we agreed to go somewhere to eat. Harry actually let me choose where. And we went to Mel’s diner. Apparently, they already had a thing called The Harry Special, and I just wanted to make him uncomfortable. To mock him for it even. 

And he seemed to be amused when he heard the diner’s name. I don’t know if he knew I knew. But I definitely knew he knew, that everyone else knew. 

When I ordered the special, he nearly choked on the water he just tried to swallow. 

I think he got me right there. Without us actually talking properly yet. He had a good sense of humor, and he made sure I was feeling comfortable. 

He walked me back home, lending me his cardigan. We talked about our families, and he seemed to be fond and privileged to have such a beautiful family around him. 

He was everything I looked for in a man. 

But I thought those existed only in fictions. 

And he waited if I wanted to give him a kiss, he didn’t make the first move, he didn’t pressure me. And he made sure I was safe home until he walked into a car arriving. 

Dear diary, I think I have a sweet spot for that guy. 

Yeah, you love him, fool.

I was crying. I always thought that our first date was a disaster. Not that inviting your potential date to your work, that is a literally a show of what you can do to thousands of people, is a bad idea. It was an asshole idea. We used to laugh so many times about it. Always asked me if I tried to make sure you wanted to date me, by telling you I was famous. 

And I always mocked you for thinking I needed to show off my wealth to have you. I remember when we first kissed, it took me five dates to finally make the first move. And I think you were enjoying how unsure I was about myself around you. I was stepping on my own foot way too often and always tripped. I sometimes stuttered even. I think you must have thought I didn’t even make it past an elementary school at that point. 

And I would always remember when I was sick and was on voice rest. And everyone tried to make me talk, and make fun of me that I couldn’t. And you bought me that board, that I could write on. You always made sure, that I was happy. 

It was always me, who was cooking. You would never, not that you wouldn’t like to be all domestic together. But you were a terrible cook. 

I remember when you tried to make me homemade pasta for our first anniversary because you knew how much I loved Italy and their cuisine. But you messed up. And I wasn’t even sure how. But it was terrible, but I still ate the entire thing. Because you seemed so excited that you at least tried for me.

And when you decided to open your business, I had your back. I supported you. I tried to help you with everything and even offered to invest in you. But you denied my offer. Always said you need to make it by yourself. 

And I remember when we tried to have a baby together, but then you found out you couldn’t and you felt so sorry, you cried a lot that month. Blaming yourself and telling me, that we can break up, that she’s going to be alright. 

And I remember that you cried, even more, when I offered that we can adopt sometimes later when you’d be ready to become a mother. 

And I remember how you walked the altar, everyone had eyes only for you. You were so beautiful. And it was the first time I properly cried on the public. 

You said yes, and you were mine, and I was yours. 

But now I’m here, crying over the happiest memories. Because I won’t be able to share them with you. Not again. I won’t be able to have a child with you and become a father. 

I won’t be able to sing about you either. Because every memory of you was too painful. 

You had a wonderful funeral, and I tried to sing your favorite song. But just broke into pieces. I shattered. I met my lowest and nothing could make the pain to go away. 

I tried it all, alcohol, drugs, Xanax, antidepressants. But you were still standing there, in your wedding dress, in my mind. 

And I knew you would hate to see me like this. Hiding from all my friends. 

You would kick my ass if you knew that I haven’t talked to my mom or my sister for months. 

That I stopped living, and just lived in the memory of you. 

I wish you could take us to the night we made love for the first time, to take us to the first night of our honeymoon when you expressed how much you loved me and made me cry like a little boy. 

I wish you would take me with you. 

Because the world is a very dull place without you. 

[puroresu-musings]

NJPW / ROH G1 SUPERCARD Review (April 6th 2019, New York, Madison Square Garden)

Honor Rumble  **

NEVER Openweight/ROH TV Title vs. Title Match: Will Ospreay vs. Jeff Cobb  ****

Rush vs Dalton Castle  DUD

WOH Title Match: Mayu Iwatani (c) vs. Kelly Klein  **

New York City Street Fight: Flip Gordon, Juice Robinson & Mark Haskins vs. Bully Ray, Silas Young & Shane Taylor  **1/2 (I guess)

IWGP Jr Heavyweight Title Match: Taiji Ishimori (c) vs. Dragon Lee vs. Bandido  ****1/4

IWGP Tag/ROH Tag Title vs. Title Match: Guerillas Of Destiny vs. Brody King & PCO vs. The Briscoes vs. EVIL & SANADA  ***3/4

RPW British Heavyweight Title Match: Zack Sabre Jr. (c) vs. Hiroshi Tanahashi  ****

IWGP Intercontinental Title Match: Tetsuya Naito (c) vs. Kota Ibushi  ****3/4

ROH World Title Ladder Match: Jay Lethal (c) vs. Marty Scurll vs. Matt Taven ****

IWGP Heavyweight Title Match: Jay White (c) vs. Kazuchika Okada  ****3/4

Photos.

Well this was a historic and interesting show, as at times it was like watching two completely different wrestling shows at the same time. First things first, the lion’s share of ROH stuff on here was... not good. ROH is a company that once had such a unique identity, that watching it now is so weird. Lets face it, without this relationship with New Japan, what identity would Ring Of Honor even have? Also the booking on here from the ROH standpoint, was a tremendous example of not knowing what your audience wants. Nobody in the sold out MSG wanted to see guys like Minoru Suzuki, Tomohiro Ishii, Hirooki Goto and others, wasted in the pre-show batle royal, and have nearly half an hour dedicated to a disinteresting Bubba Ray Dudley street fight, or a TNA nostalgia act, not to mention a Ladder Match, that whilst great, was horrendously over-long at 29:35. Also Matt Taven winning the belt seemed like a total anti-climax.

However, the NJPW stuff on this show was excellent. The pre-show Rumble was what you’d expect, it was mostly disinteresting, and it went on forever (42:21). The ROH guys got zero reation coming out, whereas the New Japan guys all got respectable to enormous pops, depending on who they were. The biggest responses were for Minoru Suzuki, Tomohiro Ishii and Jushin Thunder Liger, the latter of whom got the legend treatment. However, the biggest reaction was saved for the surprise appearance of The Great Muta! It was tremendous to see him, even though he moved like a glacier, he was in really good shape, and his exchanges with Liger got over huge. Kenny King won to no reaction, when he eliminated both legends. The first bout of the main show saw NEVER Openweight champion, Will Ospreay, take on ROH TV champion, Jeff Cobb, in a title for title match. This was great stuff, as you’d expect, but probably wasn’t as good as expected. They worked a great big guy/little guy style, with the added wrinkle of the big guy being able to fly too. The crowd was hot, the action great, and the stuff creative. The finish saw Cobb hit a top rope Tour Of The Islands, followed by a regular version, to win both straps in 12:52. This means Cobb defends the NEVER title against Taichi at the next NJPW show, which is quite the styles clash. Next, Rush squashed Dalton Castle in 15 seconds in what was an effective way to get the Mexican star over, but felt somewhat superfluous on this show, and Kelly Klein won the WOH title from Maiyu Iwatani in a profoundly uninteresting contest, with a horrendous post-match.

The never-ending Bully Ray stuff was next. I must admit, I was so disinterested, I went and did something else for a bit in the hope I’d miss this, and came back only to find it still going! What I did see was OK, at best. The show really wasn’t doing well at this point, with a single match worth a damn thus far, but it picked up considerably from here. The 3 way Jr Title match was excellent. Yes, it only went 8:54, and with even 5 more minutes, could have been outstanding, but it was still the best thing on the show up to this point, by far. The spots these guys did were mind-blowing, culminating in Bandido hitting a DOUBLE top rope Fall Away Slam into a Moonsault on both Lee and Ishimori, which blew the roof off the Garden. In the end, Dragon Lee won the title in an all-action sprint, when he pinned Bandido (not the defending champion) with Desnucadora. This was so good. Next up was the insane 4 way tag title vs. title match, with IWGP tag champs, GOD, taking on ROH tag title holders, PCO and Brody King, with the Briscoes and EVIL and SANADA thrown in for good measure. This was another wild bout, which saw PCO take the craziest bump of the weekend, that I saw anyway, when GOD gave him a double powerbomb out of the ring, and he landed hard on the concrete. This was insane, and I feared he may have been dead. Tama hit King with Gun Stun, then the Tongans won both sets of belts when they pinned him with a Super Bomb. I really liked this, it was an unhinged four-way brawl. The ROH guys, and even GOD, looked really good here, however EVIL and SANADA were literally just bodies going through motions here and if they weren’t in it, I’m not sure it even would have mattered. Toru Yano stole the IWGP tag belts in the post match, whilst the Enzo and Cass bullshit kicked off around ringside.

ZSJ successfully defended the Rev Pro British title against Tanahashi next. This was another excellent bout in their series, but coming after three crazy matches in a row, two of which were great, and with them working a considerably more methodical style, the crowd were slightly more subdued here. Despite the slow start, they finally won the crowd over, and Sabre retained after submitting the Ace with his new stretch he’s calling Yes! I am A Long Way From Home (which I believe is Mogwai reference) after 15 minutes of action. Tana was apparently injured in this somewhere though, which puts a bit of a dampner on things. Naito defended the I.C. Title against Ibushi next. What more can be said of matches between these two? Every time they get in there against each other, I’m fearful one, or both, might die. Which is never a great feeling to have when watching a wrestling match. Of course, the fact their matches are always out of this world good makes up for it slightly. But only slighty. This had loads of crazy stuff in it; Ibushi hit a snap rana on Naito off the apron to the floor, as well as that deadlift German off the second rope, which when Naito landed, his head snapped like he’d been thrown out of a car. They had a stiff strike exchange, before Naito hit a reverse rana and Destino for a great near fall. Ibushi battles back with a headkick, two Boma Ye’s, a Last Ride, and Kamigoye to win the Intercontinental title in decisive fashion at the 20:53. This was the right move to me, as with Kota part of the company full time, New Japan really should be positioning him at the top of the card, and Naito is already an established star (even if that star has fallen somewhat over the last year), so he isn’t hurt by the loss. Ibushi’s first defense is against Sabre Jr at the Sengoku Lord show in Nagoya on April 20th, which should be great. The ROH World Title Ladder Match followed. It too was excellent, and featured some incredible bumps, but it went on much too long, and Taven winning hardly invokes enthusiasm, it must be said.

Which brought us to the main event of the evening. This was an exceptional piece of drama, which took its time to get to where it was going. I’ve heard people complain about how the first half of the match wasn’t exactly scintilating, but it was all part of telling the story it set out to tell. It built to an incredibly dramatic climax, which saw, amongst other things, Jay White joining an incredible elite club of guys who have ever kicked out of a full on Rainmaker, probably the most protected finisher in the business. In fact, it took Okada four dropkicks and four variations of the Rainmaker to finally put Switch Blade away. After hitting a Blade Runner (which noticeably wasn’t kicked out of here), Jay went for another, but Okada turned it into a German Suplex. As the sold out MSG went crazy, and after a series of blocks and counters, Okada hit the spinning Tombstone and another Rainmaker to win his 5th IWGP Title at the 32:33 mark, and send everyone home happy. Honestly, Okada looked like the best worker on the planet (I mean, because he is. Even better than Kenny) and he put in a superstar performance here, doing everything to make White look like a star. To his credit, Jay carried his load well here too, and looked great throughout. At only 26 years old, the future is very bright for him too, but the title change was the right call I believe. Okada is still your franchise player, and whilst he doesn’t have a whole load in the way of fresh challengers, his main events are unequelled. Next up for him is a title defense against SANADA in Fukuoka on May 3rd, as he promised to Cold Skull after beating him to win the NJC. Their last match was a classic, so I see no reason for that not to be too.

NDT

[emeto-things]

My Emet Story

I’m going to try to make this the least triggering as possible. The reason I’m sharing this is to tell you guys you aren’t alone, and to maybe give you comfort in the fact I think/act just as “weird” as you do (:

I’m currently 15 years old, and to be totally honest, I can’t remember a day without emetophobia. My earliest memory with emetophobia is when I was probably about 6-7.

I was at the mall with my mom, sister and grandma and we all got coffee and a cookie and the cookies are pretty big, especially for a little 6 year old. But I ate it, and then my stomach hurt a little afterwards. I don’t remember being scared I just remember not feeling good. Then, we got in the car to pick up my brother and cousin from school and I think I was maybe drawing in the car? This was before I realized I had an issue with motion s*ness. So then I started to feel even worse - still not scared though. But randomly, I was listening to my mom and cousin’s conversation and my cousin said the word “g*” and I just remember I started breathing heavily and my heart started pounding and I clenched on to my sister saying “oh my gosh!!! I’m scared i’ll get s*!!!” Thankfully I didn’t, but when I got home I remember laying on the couch crying. That was the first memory I had of being scared of s*ness.

Then it kinda disappeared, I didn’t ever think about being s* other than when I didn’t feel good which is probably like most people.

Then I was about 7 years old, and it had snowed for the first time of the year. I was outside with my siblings and I ate a TON of it which wasn’t smart and apparently you aren’t supposed to eat the first snow? I don’t know if that’s a myth or not but either way I didn’t know it back then and my parents weren’t watching me. I may have even possibly eaten around where my dog had peed (Gross, I know). I literally made a meal off of snow that day. That night, I v*ed and it was my earliest memory of v*ing other than when I was much smaller and had another s*ness which I barely remember. But I wasn’t really scared then either, I just felt horrible.

As you can probably already tell, I’ve had emetophobic tendencies in me forever (the crying, rapid breathing, racing heart, and being scared) isn’t typical reactions people that v* have. But my real phobia didn’t start until 2011 when I was 8.

A normal flu (not v* but respiratory flu) was going around and my brother had caught it. I was sleeping peacefully one night in my bedroom that was dreadfully right next to the bathroom - so basically I heard everything that went on in the bathroom, pretty gross, I know. But the sound of my brother v*ing woke me up that night. I didn’t know what was going on but a strange fear took over me again, same as when my cousin said the triggering g* word. Obviously back then I didn’t know such a phobia existed, and I didn’t know my feelings over v* were abnormal.

I ran into my parents room and woke my mom up to ask her what was going on. She told me that my brother was purposely making himself v* because it made him feel better? I still don’t understand but that’s why. I just remember peering over my moms bed to see the light in the bathroom shining out the door as I was uncontrollably shaking. My parents thought I was overreacting a little bit but again, I thought it was normal.

I stayed up the rest of the night in total fear that it was going to happen to me. And the fact that he was making himself do it didn’t register with my 7 year old brain - I still thought it was a contagious thing even though it wasn’t. Then a few hours went by and my throat began to get sore. I had came down with the flu too.

My mom told me it was nothing to worry about because v*ing wasn’t a part of it and again tried to convince me my brother purposely did it and it wasn’t part of his illness. The whole time of having that flu, I was scared. Thinking any minute that I would v* too. Thankfully, my mom was right and it didn’t happen. After the flu went away I was back to my normal self, not thinking about v* ever.

Then in 2013 when I was 10, it started back. I was in the pool that summer and my mom came outside to tell my dad who was supervising me in the pool, that my brother had just v*ed and I remember jumping out of the pool and screaming and crying. I ended up calming down and then I was mostly okay again for a long period of time.

The fall of 2013 got really tough, I remember every time I’d get in the car I would become worried i’d get car s* which is something I never thought about before. I remember sitting in the middle row of the car just crying and whining that I was nervous of getting s*. My mom convinced me over & over that car s*ness doesn’t happen from just sitting there and watching out the windows but I didn’t believe her.

Towards the end of 2013 around Christmas time, I remember isolating myself in my bedroom telling myself over and over “I won’t be s*, I won’t be s*, I won’t be s*” and I was scared to take a shower because just being in a bathroom caused me to freak out.

I would take a shower every 5 days and being 10 almost 11, my hair would get so oily and I wouldn’t smell very good but I couldn’t bring myself to go in the bathroom longer than to pee.

I would take a shower with the door cracked open and my mom outside and I’d rush so fast to get out of the bathroom because I associated bathrooms with v*. Then my phobia kinda disappeared again.

Being 11 was probably my best age, I don’t remember the thought of v* ever even coming to my mind, I was a very happy 11 year old.

I was in an art class, I had some great friends who I hung out with a lot, I made a fan twitter account for my favorite band and I had a lot of online friends I’d chat with, i started editing videos of my favorite band and posting them to YouTube and overall had an amazing year. That all took a turn for the worst in 2015.

The end of 2014 I got my first period. My mom had never taught me about it, I had only heard a little bit from my sister and mom talking occasionally and from googling things when I’d be upset my friends knew about it and I didn’t.

My period made my anxiety way worse which as I said, I didn’t know ANYTHING about the affects periods have on the body.

And I finally got the hang of them around maybe my 3rd period or so, and I had learned a lot about them by then but my anxiety still worsened a lot around that time of the month.

In April of 2015, I went to my art class like I did every week. I was never in love with the class because my teacher was really mean to me but I stuck with it because I wanted something to do. Until one night I woke up feeling horrible. I remember immediately panicking but I somehow fell asleep during my panic attack only to wake up again only a few hours later and feeling even worse. I’m going to spare the details to avoid triggers, but eventually I ended up v*ing. And you’d think, afterwards I’d be like “wow I’m glad that’s over and now I can move on” but no. I knew that very SECOND that this was going to affect me the rest of my life.

I was so dazed. I couldn’t believe it had happened to me. I could literally feel the phobia taking over my body and that everything I would do would be affected.

The next day, I had a small stomach ache which I would usually ignore, but this time I had a strike of anxiety rush through me which was unusual. I ran to my room and hid away from everyone just crying and freaking out until the pain went away.

I then noticed I was overly focussed on bodily sensations. If my stomach had any feeling at all that wasn’t “normal” I’d freak out. If I had a headache, or my throat was tight I’d get scared. If I felt anything even remotely close to how I did when I v*ed I’d be so anxious I would cry and scream.

The summer of 2015 was really good despite my anxiety, it was very minuscule. My emet was with me everywhere I went but not to the point I couldn’t do anything.

In October of 2015, I had my first panic attack. I didn’t know what it was, but I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital. I also didn’t know anything about panic Attacks so I thought it was a once in a lifetime thing, I didn’t know they were a reoccurring thing. I remember sitting on the couch physically too weak to stand up because of how worn out I was from consistent panic attacks.

In 2016 I developed OCD, meaning I would touch doorknobs a certain number of times or else “I’d be s* that night” and I’d refold clothes until they looked “right” or else I would for some reason v* and it was miserable. I couldn’t even clean my room without getting worn out from repeatedly folding things or straightening my sheets and I would plug and unplug my phone which is really bad for it but my OCD told me to or else I’d be s*.

I also became very paranoid of germs and started limiting the places I went to and anytime I’d go anywhere, I’d be on edge for 3 days because that was how long it took to get s* with the sv* I had so I figured if I made it past 3 days id be fine, but those 3 day I wouldn’t do that much of anything because I was so scared. Certain foods also became an issue, eating eggs would scare me and as soon as I got done eating I’d rush to my computer and google symptoms of fp* and freak out and cry until the magical “6 hours” passed and then I knew I was okay. That was my life every day for a YEAR.

2017, my OCD got miraculously better which has to be a God thing because there’s no human way I did that myself, it’s like God took it away for me and I’m so grateful I don’t struggle without OCD debilitating anhmore!!!

But in 2017 my food issue because horrible. I restricted my diet to basically water, chocolate, granola bars, cereal and ice cream. Junk and more junk which in turn made me feel s*, but then if I ate a real meal with meat I’d be scared. I also started having horrrible sleeping hours due to panicking every night.

Currently in 2018, food is still my biggest struggle and I’m just now gaining back the weight I lost last year and it’s definitely still a struggle but I believe we will all get through this together❤️❤️❤️

** I can definitely relate to the fear of bathrooms. If I felt s* at all, I would avoid them as much as possible because it made it more “real”. I had some OCD tendencies as well. You’re so young and you’ll get over it just like I did!! Good luck <3 **

[meandmyechoes]

The more I think about my first romance novel, the more I find something odd.

[28th March 17:46]

I keep referring to it as a ‘favourable experience’, and there is no question the writing is what made me fall totally head over heels about quin tress, but I also just, can't?

I mean, yes. It's very passionate, dramatic, scenes and gestures I can only dream of. And it's all very bisexual and fantastical of me. But I also, don't really see it in that 'omg they totally belong together here are my sixty headcanons of them' sense?

I am very involved in the pairing, but also don't really, actively 'ship' it — like the way I have the ability to with Rhayme or Latts (since it's the same author that indoctrinated me to Captain Rhayme). I could imagine them being happily ever after and silly shenanigans and slow-burn. But the concept of a quin tress fairytale ending is so wild. I can only ask if this has to do with my personal view on relationships. Does this tie back to how I say the hottest thing a heterosexual couple can do is fuck (and the spiritual experience is emphasized with a same-sex partner)? - anyway, ace brain (probably) speaking.

I know the plot leaves little room for 'the future' and fed me well on all tropes possible. But, it just never occurred to me to put them in any other clichés or invent a missing scene.

Winding up, I don't think their relationship is 'weak', but it's very motivated by circumstances and once you take that out of them, you are a little bit lost. For example even during the illicit affairs month, I… can't really propose one date that does not seem tonally insensitive. (I can think of them being cloak dorks and Vos bringing her to ice-cream, that's it, after a long hard moment) Really, all I possibly want is that sweet, sweet angst and canon is already there so I have no complaint.

It's just… I don't really get why it has to be the two of them that fall for each other. I understand why they did, and I believe it— Perhaps it's much more a physical attraction thing that I don't really have personal experience with.

I don't know if quin tress classify as slow-burn because 10 chapters still seem a little quick in the grand scheme of things. (aside: I'm quite disappointed Ventress wasn't doing much in the last quarter of the book.) My point is, they do feel a little bit puppet to tropes, and while it's deliciously written, there's not much potential outside of canon. And that lack of inspiration makes me grimace a little.

[3rd April, 01:39]

I’ve scrolled through the dd tag and let the book sank a little. I am better articulated to talk about the sexist criticism now.

It's a romance story, and when I judge it by that (lower) standard, it ticks the boxes. However, it might be a weakness as well, due to the projectability of the heroes. And yes, the whole assassination is dumb. Yet, tcw has been consistently this dumb at us. The last two times when she's more rooted in the dark she failed, sent Savage and failed, so she's gonna do it again with Vos… after she put down her desire for revenge. right. ans surprise! Our "assassination" plan is to find Dooku and duel him directly. right…

I've read a review that says the romance takes away from the plot. However, the romance IS the plot. The book IS supposed to revolve around the two of them. I do agree them becoming begrudging allies then partners is a more unique approach, more rewarding as foils as well. but I guess a romance is easier for the convention to process ��\_(ツ)_/¯

With the "Ventress lose agency in falling for Vos". Now, I can't dictate how each of us buy into their physical attraction and chemistry (or lack thereof), and there's no denial that a conscious human being is making that choice for the fictional character, I think the stance on this topic is really tinted by the above two factors, which are very different starting points.

I kept Katie. Lucas's foreword vividly in mind while reading. She said this is a story about people seizing chances to rebuild. That there's always a choice. Cliché as it is, I believe ~the power of love~. I believe there exists someone you're willing to sacrifice everything for, to overlook everything for, to forgive - to love them, warts and all. So, yes whether you think Ventress loses her agency to the romance, or if that's a conscious choice on her behalf, is swayed heavily by how much you buy that they are the one.

[10th April, 10:30]

So Mr. Partner has finished the book too. He didn't offer particular insights, but we discussed briefly the overall pace and bits of characterization. He did made me rolled with laughter describing Vos through a childish, tropey lens. Regarding the topic of this documentation - the quin tress relationship, I've been more or less really enjoying it as a guilty pleasure. I don't read romance novels at all, and this is tooth-rotting sweet angst. 

Yesterday I’ve been thinking a bit more about this. I do love this ship, I just don’t believe they’d be two people who find each other again and again in every life time, in every universe. That’s why, as magnificent as fireworks, it also won’t last.

It's very nostalgic to indulge in a heterosexual relationship, and pair it up with taylor swift songs. If I have a boyfriend as devoted as Vos, I'd fall one hundred percent. And if I'm faced with an bombshell like Ventress, I would not be able to have any agency I swear. Either way, in my headcanon, Ventress is happily away on adventures with Lassa :3

To explore this, it’s not entire impossible for quin tress to separate peacefully after this incident, but would that cheapen the build before? The entire motivation of dark!Quinlan hinges on his vision of their future. And say, Ventress did saved him and survived. How would he balance being a Jedi and his feelings - that’s publicly exposed to the Council? (sidenote: i really don’t like Ch. 27 where a bunch of old men are questioning their love life, but uhhh yes, I’m a sensible person!) For now, I’m seeing another Obitine situation. And honestly how bad that an outcome is. It’s not like Ventress died for her war crimes! The show gave her a full pardon! So Idk man. Why can’t she leaves him because she loves him and she exiled herself and they never see each other again WHY NOT FILONI WHY NOT.

Now I’m lamenting more what could’ve been with the two arcs. In Filoni’s original sketch, Aayla and Maul were involved. Man, that could’ve been the dream. I skipped to translating the last two chapters and all the way I was just fuming at how stupid it was. There are difficult technical terms but I really enjoy voicing the characters. But it just takes away bit of that formality and Shakespearean tragic factor having them talk in my native tongue???? haha

Prelude: [12th March 22:37]

since dark disciple heteronormatively gave Rhayme and Ventress boyfriends, I'm gonna go ahead and sign the charter that says "all sw characters are bi"

which got me thinking, I insist that Quinlan and Ventress must fuck (and I insist they did, with the implication from when Quinlan "had seen her by starlight, just her"), but why didn't I think that way with Rhayme and her? Maybe it's because the story never pushed me there. I'd wish it indeed have more to do with I'm aspec than internalized homophobia (that I look down on everyone), but I also think, fucking is literally the hottest thing a heterosexual relationship can do? Every selling point, either be appearance or intellect, leads up to the ultimate goal of reproduction?

But oh my god, space lesbians, beating up pirates, sharing a wine, teasing hairs and finger tips. That's so goddamn romantic

[edit: i know that is an extremely skewered and unfair view, but i’ve met maybe, one, boy on my intellectual level. it’s a game of probability ok]

~~~

Part 2: [26th April, 15:15]

It has been… a month, since I finished Dark Disciple and I feel like it’s time to conclude all the thinking this book has made me do.

On the wider reflection about attachment and the Order, I still have to do more reading on it to form a concrete opinion. This theme won’t be touched on in this post yet, but I cannot shake how intriguing it is to compare “falling” in love to falling to the dark side. The temptation, and the submission to their emotions, the irrationality, the newfound curiosity, it all incites. Very curiously, it was Anakin. Skywalker who commented that one is “blinded by love”

Okay, so what I’ve been scratching my head off the past two weeks is how I look at the romance between Asajj. Ventress and Quinlan. Vos. How would I define it?

Now this is as much as an exploration of how I view romantic relationships. Well, I’ve decided it wasn’t “love”, it was an “affair”. It was an affair because it’s a rush of passion, it’s a secret, it won’t last. Before I chop my own head off for bluntness, I mean it in, of course they are hopelessly in love with each other, that’s the exact premise of why it moved me so. But it wasn’t a complete relationship, wasn’t a healthy, sustainable one by any objective standards. Then, that’s the exact contradiction. Oh to throw caution in the wind with you, or to build a future with you?

Both are things I want a lot, and the ideal is of course one after the other. What quin tress had (in the end) is definitely not something I’d want for myself, but it’s so fantastical, it’s alluring, just like the concept of falling in love - opening up yourself and trusting another person, is - it’s risky. That’s why it’s a sweet, sweet drug.

I’ve been so angry at all the red flags in this relationship. Reading this book, getting into both of their shoes, yelling NO like their best friends. But ultimately, what they had is unique to them and I can’t influence it in any way. Re-reading, I find myself holding myself back at all the places I was furious about going ‘You are smarter than this!’. Because it’s a tragedy, and the beautiful thing is they chose each other (I guess).

The other day something on the dash inspired me to really think about ship dynamics. I, unashamedly admit, I’m VERY into Obi/Quin/Ventress in any and all combinations. *cough* I will not explain further.

Aside, the elephant was I’ve never been in a relationship or felt physically attracted to any person in my life. I suppose that’s a reason it took some time for me to really buy into them more than friends. I do accept the premise and I did discover they share quite a bunch of traits, but it confused me a while what made them cross the boundary, and it was, physical attraction (that the book was selling so hard I was blushing hot). But what really frustrates me, not that I couldn’t invest into two paper people’s love story, but was why my body is governed by hormones so bad. I could say things I wouldn’t dare depending on the day of the month. I have to be honest, I love them both a lot, and I would like to date them both, and I can see myself in either of them. Again comes another contradiction, is it a good thing to have characters so easily projectable, or do I want to see myself in more complex characters like them?

I probably lost quite a few cars stalling this train of thought. This book brought me a lot of emotional upheavals and a lot of food for thought. It brought me down to reflect on my romantic worldview and sexuality because I have nothing better to do. It totally challenged me as a writer and it’s just a really good novel by its right, regardless of the absurdity that is The Clone Wars. It’s a lot of firsts for me. And I really should find something better to do.

[irisfantang-blog]

Some Thoughts about the Earthquakes Occurred in Sichuan, China ---in the Eye of the One Who Experienced Them

In 2008, my home town Pingwu County, the center of the biggest remaining giant panda habitat in China, was struck by a deadly earthquake, the world known Wenchuan Earthquake. As a child, I was shocked by the sudden catastrophic accident dwelling to the local environment and wildlife. Ever since 2008, another two biggest earthquakes happened on 20th, April, 2013 in Yaan, and 8th, August, 2017 in Jiuzhaigou. Unfortunately, I have been through two of three in 2008 and 2017. Firstly I want to talk about the earthquake that just happened. I’m currently working as an intern in Old Creek Reserve which is located in Laohegou, Pingwu, Mianyang, Sichuan. Because I had a cold, I was lying in my bed getting ready to sleep earlier than usual when the earthquake happened.I could feel the intense wobble that caused the bunk bed to shake. After about 4 seconds, one of the interns shouted “ what’s going on? ” “earthquake.” I replied unflappably. Then she popped up and everyone ran outside We gathered around talking about everything had happened. Most got shocked on account of having little or no experience in having been around during an earthquake. “ OMG! I’m so freaked out!” “ I’m going to talk to my family.” “I’m not going to sleep today.”I called my mom and she said there was no big problem, just some shock felt and people running out. “ When you stay in Sichuan for long ,you’ll get used to it. It’s no big deal.” One of the local staff said. “ That is true. The reaction when Sichuan people experience one earthquake is like this.” The 1st second ,“what’s going on?” The 2nd , “shit, earthquake!” The 3rd, “run or stay?” The 4th, “ wait a sec.” The 5th ,“fu*k, it’s shaking stronger!” The 6th ,“boy, run!” It’s kind of funny we talk about earthquake in this way, but it is true that we’ve got this positive attitude. We are just so eased. Afterwards, I opened up the weibo to search for more information about the disaster. Basically, the top topics are earthquake in Jiuzhaigou, rumors about the earthquake, optimistic Sichuan people, prayers and some touching stories that happened during the earthquake, etc. One topic says “ Sichuan people, how are you holding up?” Maybe we are used to it or maybe it’s our attitude. After all, as long as you are alive then things will not be worse. Let’s just go back to the 12th, May, 2008. I was 13 at that time, a middle school student full of longing and curiosity. The earthquake happened in the afternoon right during the first class which was geography. I still remember the teacher talking about some seismic knowledge before the terrifying catastrophe. I felt my chair was constantly hit by something so I believed it was my friend who was behind me. “What are you doing with my chair? “No, I’m not.” “Anything wrong with you?” “What! I am reading the book.” “Do you feel the strike?” I asked my deskmate. “ I thought it was someone did on purpose.” At the first minute we just talked crap like this and blame each other, thinking it was a trick. All of a sudden, a strong tremor happened and we knew it could never have been a joke. We were just stuck and couldn’t move an inch. “squat down!” somebody shouted. We promptly squat under the desks. I have to say that it was silly. What happened next was we were the last group of students who got out. It was all a mess. Everyone was crying and shouting. I just remembered that I held one girl in my arm who kept saying her scares and worries. “ Your family will be fine.” Those were the only words I had to comfort her. I was calm compared to my peers but there will always be a moment that makes me restless.When my parents were apart from me, I felt this way. My father is a high school teacher so he had to take care of his students, considering that those students got no way back home because of the damage. My mother works for government and patrolling the condition of disaster was her responsibility. After the earthquake, I lived with my grandparents and aunt in huge tent, there were approximately 100 people in it. My grandma frequently said “ when is your mom coming back?” “ I don’t know.” I was depressed. The first month I only got to see my parents once. It was hard when your family wasn’t together to face that. You will never know what comes first, tomorrow or the horrors. Unavoidably, the secondary disaster occurred. Storm, shower and falling rocks. We saw people die. I was told one of my relatives was hit by a huge falling rock right in front of his son. What a tragedy! Last night we fell asleep calmly in tent until dawn and found we were trapped by a flood. One second, we could read a book or listen to some music at peace and the next second we escaped and screamed. A lot of things happened accidentally, swiftly, and violently. We are so vulnerable in the face of nature’s wrath. “God is roaring again.” Old people described like this. Yeah, why is he so mad about everything? Who would be responsible for that? I looked through the weibo right after the earthquake happened last night. It is reported there are rumors made up by immoral people. Some people even make profit from it through messages. People just act so coldly and indifferently. I feel like I should correct people’s prejudices towards Sichuan people. We don’t want to go though a disaster like this , nobody does. It is not funny to make jokes on people who suffered so much. Some people are afraid to even visit Sichuan. Comments like “ It’s a horrible place , you’ll get killed to go there!” “The last place I wanna visit is Sichuan.” are pretty common. Oppositely, additional rescuers rushed overnight to the quake-hit region. This time my hometown, as a vital traffic fort and key to lifeline, helps offer material assistance to tourists from Jiuzhaigou. Wherever there is love and care, there is a way-out. Beyond all doubt, we must admit how cruel and greedy human is as we consistently squeeze nutrients from nature. We are not supposed to blame anyone since we have already been part of the evil. When you see blood and flesh，you will know the pain that it brings to a person who is still alive with no family. I’ve never been that hurt but it makes me sympathetic. Now the common phenomenon is people with numb hearts remain alive but people with sorrowful hearts experience grave loss. I am not saying people literally choose to ignore everything. Instead, I am saying we need to have a sympathetic heart to do the right things. There is much on my mind about those earthquakes, but words fail me. I feel sad about what people think of Sichuan. I am definitely not criticizing people’s reaction. There is no good or bad. I love my hometown and want no harm to her.

[morethanthebulimic]

April 3rd

I was stupid to believe, even for a second, that you walked in cause it was over.

I should have known a “no” was needed, how didn’t I notice a yes was implied? 

It has been long since I feel the need to puke. I need to let it out somehow and I want to cry. I want to be home, I need to crawl to my bed and cry.  But it’s only you that is there and it’s in you that I have to find comfort... yet I don’t. I only stay because I’m used to staying and because you need me in the end. 

On the way home I see the road and I feel the need to run. Minutes later we ride past the sidewalk where I used to run and I just think “I will come here later and sprint this out” As if after a year without running it could heal me and save me. The run wont do nothing but my thoughts on those 5k can.

How am I going to talk about this or should I just keep it to me? I feel ridiculous even thinking about how would I describe this sequence to my therapist so that’s discarded... my friends? What if this is not a big deal and I end up seeming dumb? I will just cry when I get home and I will cry... tomorrow I might run.

Twice in 24 hours I felt the rush to puke, as if.... for a brief moment I feel as weak as I was when my body could barely hold itself and maybe, just maybe, it would be better to be my own dark ghost. There’s only so much harm my mind can do to myself. But I don’t know what you can do to me....

Should I ask for advice online? How is it that they don’t notice? Is everyone else like this too? Is self-pleasure a blockage of everything around you? Even if that’s directly connected to your pleasure? Don’t you see my eyes? Don’t you notice I haven’t moaned or moved? Can you read my mind thinking “please end this soon”? I bet he did. I bet you know this isn’t nice for me. 

It’s funny how sometimes sex with him seems to last such a short time that it’s not enough for me to even feel deep pleasure yet when it’s unwanted I need to make “mantras” to make it better. But I am not like this... why am I acting live everything I have ever neglected? Why am I acting like the blind woman I would usually help to see? Why am I acting like the person someone might feel sorry about? Why am I turning off all my strengths and where did I get this flaws? 

It could be easier if I knew which hole you are filling ‘cause I know that I don’t need you.  I think about the different areas of your house trying to remember if I left anything behind... then I remember you owe me some money but I guess my well-being and dignity are more important than that. We were going to be over sometime soon anyway, our mind settings and just everything about us is so different... where we are, where we come from, where we are going. And I hate that you’d hate the identity I blur when I’m with you. And I hate that you are so plain when you see the world. And I have lived with these things for many months now because as if you were my patient you are not ready to be released yet. But I’m disappointed to see I haven’t helped much. I am no medicine and I can not make you rely on me cause you don’t. You don’t know how to talk yet and you’d rather punch it out.... I’m still shocked at how proud of that you seem sometimes.  I could never be in love with someone who doesn’t fight for human rights.

I’m alone in your home and I treat it as a crystal box. I touch everything so carefully and delicately as never before. “That can easily break” or “I better not let that fall”. Every movement well thought before being acted out. If I’m honest I would have rather just lie in bed till you came back... “Why am I with someone who I’m so scared at?” Then you come back and in less than thirty seconds you tell me how you are not feeling right and I think crap... everything I did was pointless, but then not, cause if I hadn’t it would only make everything worse so I look at the clock on my phone and I think I’m still on time to go back home if we eat quickly and I try to speed up the oven as if it were on my power. You go on a walk, faster than it takes dinner to be ready now you are back and I’m glad cause we can eat and I can go back. I don’t want to be here, why am I here with someone who makes me feel afraid? I think over and over on my mind. I’m grateful I dind’t tell my mom I was sleeping over cause it wont be suspicious when I get back. On an attempt to serve dinner the baking tray touches the coffee press and it spills out “OH FUCK” I yell out loud. I want you to hear me and I need you to hear me, it wasn’t on purpose and I’m mad because of what I did. As I clean out as quickly as possible I think “I wouldn’t even have been bothered if this had happened at home... it’s just coffee no one was going to drink and I’m only putting on a scene for him” and then again why am I with someone I’m scared at? I’m still thinking of the face you made five minutes ago when the hairdryer was out of place and how I never ever dry my hair but I did tonight just to make sure the water from my hair didn’t fall out on your floor. It wasn’t enough... it can’t be right when you are mad. But you need me so I stay cause you want hugs and cuddles and well, that was the original plan. 

What’s in your eyes staring at the dark? I think of reasons why you might have come back home feeling like that... some of them even upset me, they make me feel mad at you, I know I probably fantasize but you aren’t saying a word and I just don’t know what.... what could make you feel better tonight. You fall asleep and part of me is relieved, I just have to make it through the night. I can’t fall asleep so I sit in the bathroom for a long time waiting for time to pass. I google short stories and I find one to read, on the way to the bedroom I step on the floor brush and it’s loud. FUCK IF I WOKE HIM UP....you’re still snoring and I think I’ve been grateful for that only a few times. I read the story but it’s crap, not what I imagined anyhow... it’s about a guy who wants to have sex with a waitress or something, I skip through the details and get to the end. I’ve read that crappy story, researched the author and read 3 or 4 horoscopes by the time I fell asleep, probably around 3:30. 

Then I wake up and it’s morning. You are all healed and smiley as if nothing had happened and that “good morning” along with a kiss feel slightly sweet, as if nothing had happened, as if you were saying ‘sorry for being crap last night - i wasn’t feeling well’. But then you are back and story at the top of this writing takes part.... without previous notice you slipped my panties down, spitted on your hand and fucked me up. Literally fucked me up. And how do I tell anyone about it if minutes later I had blown you out? I forgot to tell you  it was just to quiet you BUT since I can’t tell my friends or my therapist I do what I learnt when my body was weak and my dark mind was my ghost, when I was craving for ‘happiness’ cause that word was unknown, I puke up my feelings by putting them into words and here’s the story that didn’t need edition just typing on my old laptop.

As if it were me hurting me but this time through you... how do you kiss me with love and then make me feel null?

[hillariekoenig15]

Golden Week

Man, has this past month flown by! I left off last with the weekend before the Shingen-ko Parade.

So, on April 12th every year, Yamanashi celebrates the death of their great warlord, Takeda Shingen. There were many festival activities and parades leading up to this day. Every year, thanks to Roberta and Takao, an FET or two have a spot to be a samurai in the parade honoring Takeda. This is a great opportunity as many people from all over Japan enter their names to be a samurai and only a total of 24 can participate.

So Roberta and Takao picked us up and took us to the gym where we were to get dressed and start the parade. The Parade committee had hired staff to assist in putting on the samurai costumes. As I watched them put on the gear for others I soon realized this was going to be a tight fit. Lol The strap dug into my neck and there was a lot of pressure on my hips but there was nothing I could do about it now. The costume was on and was staying on until this shindig was over! Lol

So then we were called to take pictures and to get on our horses. It took about 2 ½ hours to finally get to the destination; which was a park by the post office. Kazumi and Ken surprised me and assisted in taking candid pictures for us as we didn’t have our phones. We barely had time for lunch before it was time to get back on the horses.

It took another 2 ½ hours to get back all the while on a horse. We were finally able to take off the samurai gear. I was so sore between my legs, my hips, and my neck where the strap dug into it and then to top it off I managed to get sunburnt. Lol Overall, I very much enjoyed this experience. Although, the bike ride home was extremely painful. Lol

That Friday, April 14th, the three of us decided to head to The Vault (our favorite bar) after our BOE meeting to meet up with our good friend, Giseli, and celebrate her birthday that was earlier in the week.

On Saturday, April 15th, we headed to Takeda Shingen Shrine as I realized on Wednesday that I had not been there yet and it’s right here in Kofu! So we started there and then made our way back to the station. We had dinner and then decided to head back home.

On Sunday, April 16th, it was Easter Sunday. Since Japan doesn’t celebrate that, Madi had heard of a battle reenactment in Fuefuki so we all decided to attend that together. It was a beeaauuttiffulll day! 80 degrees! I got burnt…. which was expected. Lol

While watching the battle it was a little hard to follow as we can’t speak Japanese but we got the point. Lol

On Saturday, April 22nd, Takao had invited all three of us to his high school’s 100th anniversary reunion. It was a really nice event. Your typical Japanese gathering; cheers, toasts, eat, prizes, go home. Lol I’m very happy that Takao and Roberta invited us. It was funny during dinner, Takao got questioned 2x for being Japanese or not simply because he was at a table full of Americans. Lol Crazy.

Then after dinner we decided to all go to Ashley’s and keep the party going because it was only 7pm and we had gotten all dressed up. So while Madi got ready to bike down to Ashley’s, Ashley and I went to BIG to buy some drinks and snacks. We ran into Tatsuzawa. It was funny. He totally was judging our basket of junk food and alcohol. Lol

Then we just sat around and talked until Madi and I decided we should probably go home and get some rest before our big day of hiking in the morning.

On Sunday, April 23rd, Madi and I woke up and were at Natsuko’s by 8:45am. Then we went to Panorama Dai which is near Shoji Lake near Mt. Fuji. The hike was nice but difficult. Still worth the hike up. I got some pretty serious blisters on my ankles :( It literally was a straight up incline for about an hour. We were excited when we finally reached the top. The view at the top was incredible. I would make that trip over and over again. It was cool. It was pretty cloudy but Fuji finally peaked out for a little while.

We got back down by 1pm. Then we went to an onsen. Always an interesting experience. The worse part is the initial undressing; getting naked. Once we were in the spa/hot springs it wasn’t so bad and was actually quite relaxing. I’d say we were all ready for a nap afterwards.

On Friday, April 28th, we were finally on our way to Guam to start our vacation! We arrived in Guam at 1:30am. We then found our shuttle to ACE to receive our rental car. First time driving in 9 months! It was exciting. :) Then we made it to our Airbnb and fell asleep.

We woke up around 9-9:30am. We pretty much just did primping stuff and shopping all day. Lol We first went to the shopping mall near our Airbnb. I bought new shoes! Then we had Applebee’s. <3 Then we went to get pedicures at Luxury nails. They were so nice there. And the owner, Eliza, was so helpful. She suggested to us a place where we can get our hair cut. Then we went the Harley Davidson store for Madi and the Hard Rock Cafe for myself. Then we went to K-Mart, where we did a little clothes shopping and grocery shopping. It was definitely overwhelming as I wanted to buy so much. Lol

Then we went home and got ready to go out. We decided to go to “Drop” which was a GREAT decision. We met this guy named Jason who ended up literally making our vacation 10x better!

On Saturday, April 29th, we headed to the beach! Madi was smart to not let us stay out too long, because even the short amount of time we were out in the heat I managed to work up quite a burn on my legs. :/ It was very painful. It’s sad that I love the sun so much but the sun does not love me. Lol Jason had informed us of a Burlesque show at Drop so after the beach we relaxed and got ready to head back out. We got to Drop and found seats to watch the show. After her first number she all of a sudden just left. I thought it might be a wardrobe malfunction. Oh well, we met some pretty interesting people regardless of the show! I got a lap dance from this guy whose friends were teasing him to continue the show without her. It was hilarious. We decided to just go home. We later found out that she went on with the show.

The next morning, Jason invited us to brunch with him and his friends Anthony. Afterwards Jason had to leave but Anthony had offered to take us to “Turtle’s Cove”. It was cool! We jumped off the “Turtle’s nose” which probably wasn’t all that high but still was pretty exhilarating. The rocks were so sharp! We had cuts everywhere. After much struggle of getting over two huge boulders, we finally made it to the top and I just wanted to be down so I just jumped. I was shaking so bad from the adrenaline rush.. Lol

We decided that was good enough so we went back to the car where we ran into this family that is from around Guam and invited us for a picnic. It was nice. We eventually decided to leave though.

We ended our night at Jimmy Dee’s watching the gorgeous sunset.

On Monday, May 1st, we decided to get our hair cut!

Afterwards we had planned on going jet skiing but since our hair stylists did such great jobs on our hair we didn’t want to ruin it so we decided to just tour southern Guam instead! We went to Latte of Freedom, a war historical site, a bell, Talafofo Falls and a cave. It was really cool. Once we got to the cave I was very disappointed as it was just a hole in the ground. Good thing history nerd, Madi, actually read the sign because we then learned that a Japanese man had deserted the WWII War and lived in this cave for 28 years because he didn’t know that the war had ended….Now that was worth it.

Then we headed back to the Airbnb to get ready to go to Jason’s LGBTQ+ Mixer. It was actually pretty fun. We met some pretty cool people!

Afterwards, we headed to a magic show that Jason invited us to. We got in for free! He is seriously the coolest guy! The show was cool. My favorite act was with the acrobats.

On Tuesday, May 2nd, we got up and headed to ABC where one of Jason’s cousins worked and we got a 30% discount. Seriously! Love. Jason.

So we went parasailing, banana boating, and jet skiing. So cool. Parasailing was probably my favorite. We also went kayaking and just enjoyed the water.

Then we left and got ready to go see Two Lovers Point @ sunset. It was really pretty.  A little cloudy but still nice.

Then we went to Jimmy Dee’s because it was still pretty early and just had a couple drinks and enjoyed the beach.

On Wednesday, May 3rd, we woke up and got ready to head to Marbo Cave with Jason. I didn’t feel like wearing my swimsuit so we didn’t get in the water but the cave was still pretty cool.

Then we walked a little farther to go to this opening. It was so pretty. Could see the water all the way to the horizon. It was amazing and so calming.

So, every Wednesday there is a Chamorro village in Hagatna that sells souvenirs and local food. We also just so happened to come during the right year and week. The Micronesian Island Culture Fair was going on where all the island come together to showcase part of their culture. It was really neat. We ate a little and then watched a tribal dance.

Thursday, May 4th, was our last day in Guam. :( We didn't want to leave.

We woke up early and got ready to hike Mt. Lam Lam. It was so cool. I’m glad we didn’t miss doing this. It only took us 30 minutes to get to the top. It was so beautiful at the top. Every Easter the locals carry a cross up this Mt. and plant it in the ground once at the top. It’s in memory of the original Islanders. It was a beautiful site.

We then climbed back down. We ordered Dominos pizza. Then headed back to our Airbnb.

We then went to Uncle Pete’s for just a quick swim. It was nice to just relax. Although my shoulders had gotten burnt from the hike so I was in a little pain. Lol #whatsnew #sunburnislife

Then we got dressed and decided to watch the sun set at the Beach Bar. It was a perfect way to end our night and our time in Guam. Jason joined us as well. We ate, had some drinks, talked, and watched the sun set. It was so nice. I didn’t want to leave but we needed to pack and get ready for our early morning. 

We got up at 4am to get ready to return the car and head to the airport. Thank goodness we were ahead of schedule because the lines for check-in were terrible! We left at 7:30am and landed at 9:30am It didn’t take us too long to go through immigration or customs. We took our time at lunch and afterwards were able to start heading for the Airbnb.We got there and the directions weren’t that good and the elevator was freaking broken… 6 Floors. It was awful. Whatever, at least the location was perfect.

We then took a nap and then got ready for Ashley to arrive. We went to TGI Friday’s and then went to Junk Cafe! I love this bar. We played darts, Madi got sleepy so she left, Ashley and I had a blast though! We made friends, and broke out the Karaoke machine, and ended up staying until almost 2:30am I think. They invited us to a party later this month and I’m so excited to go!

I got to meet Kazumi’s newest grand baby, Ryo!

Akiho and her friend visited me at Minami! I got to see Akiho twice in one week! So happy. :)

On Saturday, May 13th, I had Ayaka over! I introduced her to Kraft Mac N Cheese and then we had hamburgers, fruit, and veggies. As American a meal as I can make in the land of seafood! Lol We then just talked, listened to music, and played card games! It was a lot of fun!

On Sunday, May 14th, we all went out for Mother’s Day.

On Tuesday, May 16th, I got the pleasure to hang out with Ayaka again and got to meet a new friend, Sota! We went to dinner, which was nice. Sota is very funny. After dinner we went back to my place for card games. It was fun. I hope to be able to hang out with them again!

So, now that you are all caught up enjoy reading some of my stories from school! And, let the countdown begin! I only have 71 days until I am on a plane home! But, in the meantime, I still have weekends packed full of fun and quite the crew of visitors coming to visit!

Stories:

-In Japanese class we always learn a lot. One thing in particular that stuck out to me recently was when we learned “I’m Hungry” and in Japanese it's “Onaka ga suita.” And our teacher then explains that it literally means “My situation is hungry.” We all found that to be quite hilarious!

-I got invited to help judge which students get to go to America in August for both my schools. I attended Nansei’s so far. It was interesting. I’m so thrilled with the boy that is going and there were two girls we had to choose from and it was very difficult but I think the decision we all decided on was best. I’m excited to see what candidates we have for Minami!

School Stories:

-So the new school year has started and I got to meet my 1st graders (7th grade). I like teaching at this stage because they are more willing to act and be silly. For example, for 10 minutes we just sat in class and practiced “th” sounds. (It’s very difficult for them to make this sound when saying words like “Thank you” “This” “That” etc.)

-Also, my with my 1st graders, we learn greetings such as after being asked “How are you?” you reply with “I’m okay.” “I’m fine.” “I’m so-so” etc. Well they found the gesture that goes with “I’m so-so” hilarious and wouldn’t stop saying it to each other. Lol They things they find funny is interesting. Lol

-Back at Minami, in my last class I was talking to my new teacher, Inagaki Sensei about Madi and I and as a result she kept accidentally calling me Madi in class. Lol Also, something had dropped from off the wall and it was pretty high up but since I am so tall all I had to do was get on my tiptoes to put it back and once I did that the whole class applauded me..Lol I get so much praise here for just being me. I’m going to go back to America and just be some plain jane no one notices. LOL

-In my 2nd grade class one of my students asked for my phone number and I didn’t think it to be such a big deal so I just gave my real one. All the kids then freaked out and frantically started writing it down. That’s when I started to second guess my response and that maybe I should’ve given a fake number… Oh well, the damage is already done. I also doubt that they will actually do anything with it since I hardly know enough Japanese to converse over the phone so they would need to speak in English. It might actually be a good learning experience for them if they do! Lol

-Well my classes went well. I had my 1st graders again and we continued to work on numbers. As I was having them repeat #s after me I had said, “zero” and one of the students yells out in confusion, “Zebra?!” We all got a good laugh out of that one. I find English to be a difficult language sometimes.

[wereadinstead]

☆  get to know me - 30 q’s and my a’s, lol ☆

hello, lovely people out on the internet!

welcome on this side of tumblr, where the booknerds and freaks are hiding! i’m kidding, i think people who read are cool. so hi, bookaholic or whatever other -aholic you are, i hope you enjoy your stay on this blog!

1. any nicknames?

no, i guess. nina is pretty short so thats’s what i am called most of the time. my friends used to call me ninski, nincii (pronounced like avicii, but nincii, lol), but luckily, that’s over now, hehe.

2. gender?

female. hi!

3. star sign?

aries, but i believe in astrology only partly.

4. how tall are you?

pretty short, 158cm, which should be almost 5′2

5. what time is it when you’re writing this?

8:15 pm

6. when’s your birthday?

april 3rd!

7. fan of any bands?

i barely consider myself as fan of anything, so not really. but i do enjoy some band’s music. so, there’s big time rush, aswell as one direction (not a hard-core fan, but still), the wanted. i also enjoy(ed) falls, linkin park, pale waves and hey violet. bet i forgot someone, but whatever.

8. favorite solo artists?

khalid, swae lee, troy sivan, billie eilish and attention please, german artists - RIN, Shindy, Hubert Kah, Nena, Trailerpark and last but so not least - Cro!

9. song stuck in your head?

einmal um die welt by cro (link to spotify)

10. last movie watched?

the breakfast club, and i rate it a solid 4/5. i enjoyed its intention.

11. last show watched?

grace and frankie, still not over about episode 17 of season 10 on friends..*cries in joey’s voice*

12. when did you create your blog?

today, which marks february 11th 2019, my sisters 10th birthday. i’m sick with a cold, lmao. remember me, future nina.

13. what do you post?

reading/book related stuff: monthly books read, books to read for the next month, goals, challenges, reviews and statements. we’ll see what comes.

14. last thing you googled?

pornhub.

15. do you have other blogs?

yes, one, which is my personal blog called wesayfuckyou.

16. why did you choose your url?

there are so many bad, unnecessary and pointless things people do, because they have too much time. can’t we read instead?

17. following blogs?

none, on this one so far. but that’s gonna change, dude.

18. followers?

none, so far, lol. but i dont even care about these numbers right now. i enjoy the sound of my keyboard when i’m typing. joking, i enjoy writing a lot.

19. favorite color(s)?

red

20. average amount of sleep you get?

on school days mostly 6-7, on the weekend or during the holidays about 9-12

21. where are you from?

germany, hiiii!

22. lucky number?

three

23. current outfit?

sweatpants, two layers of socks and my dad’s sweater.

24. last time you kissed someone?

i turned away because it was so unexpected and i accidentally embarrassed and especially hurt him. don’t regret it though, because he’s kind of not respectful right now.

25. dream job?

somewhere with a lot of people around me, communication is very important to me. i want to work internationally as i speak five languages and i would like to earn a lot of money.

26. dream trip?

atacama, chile. literally a dream.

27. three goals for life?

being happy, finding love and having kids.

28. favorite food?

currently it’s pizza with spinach or pizza margharita.

29. why are you doing this blog?

because i enjoy the sound of my keybord, when i’m typ hjswnrm7ueiowaqHYDXJ

mainly, because i want to share my journey of reading and i want to reflect on what the books taught me. but also because i think being part of a community who shares your passion is an incredible thing.

30. what do you want to reach with your blog?

i’d absolutely love people to become friends because of my blog, because they get in an argument in the comment section, or because they share the same opinion. that would literally be such a great thing.

well, that was my first post :-)

if you’re interested in my #bookblr - book ratings, monthly wrap ups, tbr’s and tags - just follow me! i would love to have anyone to talk about our shared passion dedicated to reading.

let’s dive into our next book adventure together!

– Nina

[hikertracks]

The West Highland Way

(Originally posted here on June 3rd 2018 as well as on VPO.CA.)

The view from atop Conic Hill, overlooking famous Loch Lomond.

In April 2018, I thru-hiked the West Highland Way, a 154.5 kilometre (or 96 mile) trail which runs from Milngavie (pronounced ‘Mulguy,’) just north of Glasgow to spectacular mountain town Fort William, which sits at western end of the Great Glen Fault, at the mouth of Loch Linnhe. The trail traverses through picturesque Scottish farmland, over mighty Conic Hill then along the lushly forested shores of famous Loch Lomond. From there, it cuts north into the West Highlands, where vast open spaces are spotted with snowy white sheep and broken with shimmering deep black creeks. Mountains ring the trail; waterfalls and heather are everywhere. After nearly touching Loch Tulla, the trail cuts north across Rannoch Moor, following an ancient road bed to Glencoe. The trail climbs over a pass, dips to Kinlochleven, then finally ends after a mountain trek in Glen Nevis, at the foot of the United Kingdom’s tallest peak, Ben Nevis. It’s a fantastic trail which is riddled in history, natural beauty, and a lot of water.

Arklet Waterfall at Inversnaid on Loch Lomond, which was the prettiest waterfall on the trail; note the invasive rhododendron surrounding it.

Don’t forget your Gore-tex here! Not only is Scotland derisive of weather forecasts, but with very few trees, it is also an incredibly windy country, with gusts which threatened to push me off trail. If you ever choose to follow in my footsteps on the Way, or even just visit Scotland in general, I’d recommend a full set of waterproof layers – Scotland is just that wet. At one point, I felt foolish for carrying more than two litres of drinking water in my pack, since generally, every few hundred metres or so there’s a water source, so bring a lightweight filter so that you can fill up at your convenience. Water is literally almost everywhere in this country!

The ruins of an old farm near Glen Nevis.

As far as adventures go, the West Highland Way falls somewhere between a great cultural experience such as the El Camino de Santiago and a wilderness adventure, however, if you’re seeking solitude, this isn’t the place to find it. While Scotland is stunningly beautiful, on the West Highland Way you can expect to encounter civilization rather frequently, meaning that you’re never far away from people or town. Locals use it as a foot path; an artery for dog walking, trail running and just getting outside. The trail is also frequently a road walk, although you’ll come to appreciate these flat(ish) sections after several hours of Loch Lomond’s shoreline. There’s always somebody nearby, so help is always close at hand if you happen to run into trouble – if you’re looking for a place to shout without anyone hearing you, this isn’t it. If you’re looking for a great way to experience Scotland, to really see its landscape and talk to its wonderfully friendly people, this is it!

This is a great adventure for solo and female travellers. Scotland is a very safe country with people who are generally trustworthy and absolutely no large predators. There’s no bears here to steal your Cliff Bars – in fact, there’s hardly even any squirrels, the Eurasian red squirrel happening to be an endangered species.

Perhaps because I have been hiking all of my life, I found it hilarious that people dread these gentle switchbacks going up the so-called Devil’s Staircase. I found the ascent to Conic Hill and some of the stuff along Loch Lomond much more gruelling!

Scotland was almost completely deforested hundreds of years ago, so with animal life which was adapted to the vanished forest, the Highlands can be eerily quiet. There’s deer to be seen here, and the odd bird, but compared to Scotland’s patches of lush forest, the Highlands lay silent, the wind which rushes through the deceptive peaks sounding lonely, as if remembering the trees which once stood in the mountains’ shadows. There’s no wolves here to sing in the cold of night, no lynxes to pad its mossy forest floor in search of hares or mice – you might see the odd fox, but of the great beasts which once roamed this land, there’s nothing left. The haunting empty landscape of the Way made me appreciate the biodiversity of British Columbia all the more – here, we still have our predators.

Scotland may not have wolves anymore, but it does have hordes of deer; here, two young Red Deer stags attempt to prove who is more manly near Loch Tulla.

There’s also hordes of feral goats on the West Highland Way, found along Loch Lomond.

The Way is riddled with history – the paths and roads which you stride are the work of soldiers and drovers long gone. At every turn, there’s some reminder that this place is old – that western civilization has been here far longer than one can completely fathom, even knowing the facts. As I walked the Way, I discovered moss covered ruins hidden in the green depths of the forest, minute graveyards on tiny hills, and the crumbling remains of little farms in windswept glens. I walked across the site of a battlefield, climbed to the remnant of an ancient hill fort which was once literally melted in an intense fire eons ago, and padded by a pile of stones representing a memorial to a slaughtered Scottish clan.

Mhm, steep trail side drop offs into deep lochs are super fun, especially when you’re wearing a 40 lb pack!

The next morning I made the terrible discovery that this campsite I picked on Loch Lomond was absolutely full of teensy, super gross baby ticks. I’m still suspicious whenever I see dark specks!

In Scotland, the people have the Right to Roam, so on my trek of the Way, I wild camped as much as I could. Leave no trace principles apply, but basically, so long as you follow the rules, you can camp just about anywhere. Although I loved the secret campsites which I found, I really don’t recommend this tactic for hiking the Way. Instead, do the smart thing – day hike it from town to town. There’s just not enough wilderness on the Way to justify wild camping, so do yourself a favour by carrying just a light pack instead. There’s luggage moving services in plenty, so you don’t have to worry about your suitcase. This makes the trail awesome for just about anybody, although this certainly isn’t a trail for those who aren’t reasonably fit. There’s some very technical sections with uneven trail, challenging obstacles and elevation gain (although nothing comparing to some of the steep trails which we can roam here in British Columbia!) At the very least, you must be able to climb over the rickety wooden stile gates which separate the expansive sheep pastures which you will travel through.

This is a stile; there are many different varieties of them to be found on the West Highland Way, all of them rather doubtful in their sheep-proofness and safety. Note the mud; mud was everywhere.

These sheep would like you to know that you will encounter thousands of their brethren if you hike the West Highland Way. According to the Scots I encountered, sheep are enormously lacking in intelligence and should never be trusted not to kill themselves in some ridiculous way. This duo was encountered near Drymen.

There are also many cows on the West Highland Way; I maintain that cows are scarier than bears. This one is wondering about the other cows in the pasture behind me, since she was all alone for some reason.

I found that food can be scarce, so it is best if you bring a supply with you and if you wild camp like I did, you’ll have to pick up fuel in Glasgow at a store like Tiso, since isobutane canisters cannot be transported via airplane. Believe it or not, despite the United Kingdom’s reputation for being expensive, food can be found cheaply if you stock up at stores like Lidl, where it’s relatively cheap, even with conversion. On trail, there’s excellent chow to be found in places like Balmaha and in Tyndrum, which boasts the outstanding Real Food Café. Along the Way you’ll find several places with Honesty Boxes, little unmanned stands where I found everything from tasty homemade Scottish tablet to local favourite soft drink IRN BRU to fresh fruit from Spain to bottles of water and Mars Bars. I came to love these boxes, and I always kept a few Pounds Sterling handy for the joyful occasion of finding them!

Scottish tablet, one of the most delicious substances on the entire planet.

In closing, here’s a summary of this outstanding trail, which definitely belongs on your bucket list:

Length: 154.6 km (96 miles) Runs between: Milngavie and Fort William Best hiked: south to north (for best elevation gain situation – I would never consider hiking Conic Hill north to south, but I considered it enjoyable south to north!) Months to hike it: April to October Most people hike it: May Biggest complaint: besides rain and wind, people dread the midges (which are tiny bitey swarming insects,) but you should also beware of ticks, so bring tweezers as well as repellent. There’s tons along Loch Lomond! Biggest danger: with rain and wind comes the danger of hypothermia, which should never be underestimated. Layer accordingly and be prepared, no matter how you walk the trail. Scotland loves its inclement weather and it laughs at the weatherman! Recommendations: At the very least, bring a map or a smartphone with a GPS app like ViewRanger. Map tiles for the GPS can be downloaded in advance, so you don’t need to worry about wifi. While the Way is generally well marked, there are patches where it isn’t, especially on the first day and I was grateful that I had something to refer to when I wasn’t sure where to go next. Research the trail through the great website, Walkhighlands.co.uk, which has a wonderful page entirely dedicated to the West Highland Way. Bring your trekking poles!

The West Highland Way - the purple starred marks are where I camped. Screenshot from ViewRanger. I did the trail in seven days, one day faster than most people despite my heavy pack.

An exhausted dork (i.e. me,) takes her victory bow at the finish line in Fort William. Note Trekking Pole; Trekking Pole was my bestest friend. Note the haggard expression - my body had just remembered that it was tired, and that parts of it hurt. A lot. And didn’t stop hurting for several days.

[spamamageri]

Super Virus? Super Villain turned blessing!

Hi! I am Geraldine Tan-Wee, 37yo (as of 2017) and a mother of 3 boys age 3, 6, and 15. That’s three different stages and three different sets of challenges to juggle every day. This is on top of being a freelance scriptwriter and full-time housewife. 

I live in Singapore but my hours were nuts. My friends wondered if I even slept at all. When I took on writing I would be up doing all-nighters after the whole family (kids and hubby) was asleep and after I got the basic laundry done. Then I would write until 6am or so, attempt to wake my teenager and finally crash for 3-4 hours after he leaves for school, waking up again with the 2 younger boys who have to be in school by 1110am. 

I barely exercised (walking was my only form of working out) and I ballooned to XXL, bordering on XXXL. I lost all hope of regaining my health and gave up.

I made self-depreciating jokes about becoming an AhJuMa (Korean for old lady) and wore baggy everything to hide my huge tummy, the result of diastisis recti and poor health. The result? I looked like I was perpetually 9 months pregnant all the time.

For 3 years, my ex-classmate followed my social media presence and she noticed our health was in the doldrums. She courted me with a fruit juice called G3. I googled and saw it was (drum roll) Nuskin. I rolled my eyeballs so hard they almost flew out of my face, but I tried to be nice and gave it a try. I bought a bottle the first time and 2 bottles ONE YEAR LATER. The juice was not bad but I was not drinking regularly enough to detect a large enough difference.

You see, I had issues with MLMs having being let down by Malaysian mentor when I tried out the world’s oldest and first MLM & by another mentor when I tried out the azure banner waving MLM. She succeeded but sped on without me and I was lost, grasping at straws. Also their product did not suit my family or friends idea of vacationing. These two were not the right vehicles for me. 

As a result of years of struggling with sussing out how network marketing could possibly work for us, my husband was VERY wary of MLMs in general. I also did not know about Ageloc and thought Nuskin was just like every other MLM selling skin care and health products. Additionally, I felt it would conflict with my faith walk. 

So what changed?  A super virus. 

3rd week of March, my youngest came down with a 40 degree fever for 7 days. The doctor said it was a super virus and that we just had to wait it out. Just as he recovered... just as I thought I could finally rest... my eldest, second boy and I got hit by the same super virus. 40 degree fevers all around! 

As my hubby works long hours, I had to take care of them mostly on my own at night. Sick as I was, i dragged myself from Kae’s room to Noah’s room sponging each kid and neglecting my own fever. My ex-classmate, Cat, messaged me upon seeing we were ALL sick again. 

“Do you want me to come by to do lymphatic drainage massage?” All I knew about lymphatic drainage had to do with cellulite. I did not know our immunity system comprised largely of our lymphatic system!

“No thanks. We are very sick and I don’t want to pass our flu to you.” “It’s ok. My immunity is very good. I will be okay.”

I declined politely. 

So I prepared the usual paracetamol and ibuprofen, my gel cooling pack, towels, a container of cool filtered water and got down to business... except I was fighting a losing battle. My teenager took his meds and sponged himself before falling asleep. As he slept, I would change his towels.  Noah (6yo), on the other hand, kept me up and active. He puked out his fever medication one after another like a mini Merlion. I had to clean him up, clean the room up, clean the vomit bucket and sponge him. I could not give him any more medication for fear of an overdose. Noah is susceptible to febrile fits so I took much care to keep his fever down as much as possible.  Sponging was not doing much and I switched to giving him a lukewarm bath. Even then his fever would go from 40.1 to 39.5 and start scaling up again. 

By morning, I was spent. I was literally dragging myself all night long from one room to another. I barely rested.  I was ready to wave the white flag and receive ANY help. 

Cat swung by my place before a family birthday celebration and massaged both Noah and me. She brought with her some small handheld devices. 

“As I massage, the gel will change colour and consistency. You will also experience a slight lift on the face,” she said. 

Noah’s fever went from 39.7 to 36.5 with her help in less than half an hour. She taught me to massage my own arm points. I felt better too.  “Do you want to get changed to a singlet or tube so I can help clear your neck and back?”

I said okay and went to my room to get changed. The first thing I see upon opening the door is my mirror and I saw that my face was lopsided! My jaw dropped.  After her massage, I felt so much better and a little pepper corn size lump I nursed on my arms for months had shrunk to a needle point size! Cat had to rush off though and so we cleared one side more than the other.  The rest of the day, I kept feeling my face. The side we had drained longer was less puffy and less swollen! I could see the difference too!

“You’d better go sort it out and balance it,” my hubby advised. 

So the next day, I attended my very first SAYANG ME session at Clark Quay. 

In the words of Aladdin, “A whole new world... a dazzling place i never knew...”

Here were a group of lovely ladies who would gather weekly to spa each other and have fun. No hardselling took place. No techno music blared. No chanting of slogans. No RARA show. 

I felt comfortable and pampered. I even-ed my face out and I could have left and be done with it... but SAYANG ME beckoned. 

At the expert hand of my now-mentor, Syl, I cleared my migraine issue. After restoring my health, came restoring my figure.  Within a month, I shrank. A top I got online before we fell sick, that is XXL in size, arrived and I was swimming in it. Curious to know my size, I walked into Giordano to see if I could fit into their clothes. I have not been able to fit into any off the rack clothes from this company for years. To my shock, I managed to put on a L size berms! Unbelievable! 

My size reduced so drastically but healthily and our friends and neighbours were shocked. (Photo below - one month difference, photo from March vs April)

Dec 2016:

Now (Aug 2017): 

[passionoffruit]

Fairytales Are Real?

She was literally the wind beneath my wings. Six years ago I never would’ve thought I’d be living in Alabama with the love of my life. Six years ago I never would’ve thought I’d know who the love of my life was. She came into my life so smooth and easy. From a follow on twitter to a wedding date. I thought nothing of it. “Oh look a new follower” … never thought she’d actually write me. But she did, and from that moment on a fairytale began. Everyday I learned something different about her, and she about me. From our favorite foods to our dream vacation spots. I learned we were 1 year and 5 months apart. October 16th, 1993; May 16th, 1994. I thought her living in Alabama was so cool, this cute country girl is all I saw her as. I still remember the day I asked if it even snowed there and she laughed at me and said “yea it snows, not like Minnesota, but we get a little dust” “A little dust lol, visit Minnesota some day. I’ll show you snow.” I said. We laughed and laughed every day all the time non stop. I would get so excited when her named popped up on my phone. It was like I longed to hear from her daily. I loved her. She loved me. Miles apart, 14hrs, but we loved each other that we couldn’t deny. She had found someone else, fallen in love. I already had a girlfriend, someone I didn’t want to let go of simply because she was my first. But unfortunately for my girlfriend I thought about someone else constantly. Eventually we fell off. I continued my relationship and she hers. But we always came back to on another. She’d text me asking how I’ve been and just like that my heart was hers all over again. We made it a habit to text on major holidays, and we told each other about big changes in our lives. Something as simple as me getting a new job I would text and let her know. She was always proud of me no matter what I was doing. She’d become my best friend, one that I felt a connection not normal best friends feel. My heart jumped when she’d call me. Oh how nervous I was the first time she dialed my number, hearing her voice for the first time was extraordinary, breathtaking, and a feeling I’ll never forget. I didn’t know what to think with her hearing my voice for the first time. I had always been told my voice resembled that of a man. But to my surprise she thought I was more cute then the day before. We went from texting for years to calling each other all the time. I knew this couldn’t be normal. I had some what fallen for a girl who lived in a completely different state then myself and I felt embarrassed that I couldn’t find love where I lived. I kept my feelings to myself but she made it known that she wanted me. I was honored to know she cared so much but I wasn’t willing to move states and get my heart broken. Finally after six years I was ready to confess all my feelings for her, I was ready to have that one thing I knew I was missing in my life. Her. She had just broken up with her girl for the last time and I had been single for awhile. I’ll admit I was very happy knowing she was single to. I remember texting her and telling her how I felt and she didn’t believe me at first, I mean after six years who would? The day after thanksgiving, Black Friday. I went to work and on my lunch break like usual she called me. Standing in the subway line ordering food we talked about my day and hers. The subway guy was flirting with me like usual and asked “who you talkin to, your boyfriend?” I corrected him “no I’m talking to my girlfriend” She was shocked, and asked “did you just call me your girlfriend?” I didn’t ask, because asking left room for her to decline, I told her she was my girlfriend and since then we’ve been inseparable. Now the next day things got rocky. I messed up and told someone I didn’t have a girlfriend. BIG MISTAKE. You’re probably thinking, ‘but you love her so much why would you do that’. And my answer would be I simply don’t know. I think it was because I wasn’t sure exactly how serious it was going to be. Maybe I was scared, I’ll never know. But the moment she found out, I knew I couldn’t lose her. So I lied, for months I lied to her. Another big mistake. By pass all that and we were happy. She booked a flight on Christmas Day to come and see me on January 9th, 2017. We counted down the days. We sat on the pone talking about what we would do once we were in each other’s arms. Days went by and finally January 8th came and we were overly excited because this was really happening. After all this time this was happening. I had to work the day she came to down but I believe she made it to Minnesota around 11am January 9th. I had my best friend and her brother go meet her at the airport. She had never been to Minnesota, I was praying she liked it. My heart was beating uncontrollably as we sat on the phone my whole train ride home. I knew she was waiting for me. I made my way up the stairs to my bedroom, opened the door, and there she was. White pants, and a very attractive sweater. Watching Law And Order. She had made herself very comfortable in my room. I still wearing my winter jacket rushed into her arms, and for the first time in my entire life I felt complete. She was my missing piece and it felt great to be holding the woman I was so in love with. She sat me down on my bed and I didn’t know how to feel I was in awe with her just being there. She pulled out a ring that was beautiful beyond words and told me how much she loved me, how long she’d wanted this moment, and how she’d dreamt of this day. I said yes yes yes and a thousand times yes. I had been telling her I would one day marry her for years. The love we made that night was incredible, our bodies falling into each other in ways neither one of us had ever experienced. It was beautiful, and I cried. With the love song playlist she had made me playing in the back ground. A night I’ll hold dear to my heart for always. She stayed longer then she was suppose to, purposefully missing her flight because we didn’t want to part. I was crushed when she went back to Alabama. But January 20th, 2017 came faster then I thought. She drove 14hrs and 1min to move to Minnesota and be with me. I couldn’t believe this was happening. She was mines and damnit I wasn’t giving her back. I got off work that night and as we are on the phone talking and laughing I look up to see her running in the dark to me. I jumped into her arms, my fiancé was home finally. We lived in Minnesota for four months before we broke up. Remember that lie I told in the beginning? Well the truth finally came out and she was hurt in a way I never wanted to witness. I was at my worst because of how bad I hurt her. For 12days we weren’t together, but in my heart I knew she’d come back and I’d do everything needed to get her to understand how sorry I was. She came home one morning and told me just how much she missed me and wanted to do this again, but thought we should move to Alabama. I was so down for it. I was ready to move and start new with the love of my life. April 3rd I left my job, and 3days later we were on our way. 14hrs we drove, 14hrs of laughter and singing and some rapping. I was ready, and so excited. I fell in love with Alabama, it was so peaceful and sweet and had the warm home feeling to it. I never wanted to leave. We started searching for a house to buy and found the perfect one. Started really searching for wedding dresses and venues, really planning our lives together. A true fairytale right? Two months into living here, we broke up. My best friend, my soulmate, my back bone had broken up with me for reasons I won’t mention. But my heart is heavy and devastated isn’t close to how I feel without her. I still want for always with her. I want to be better for her because this love story can’t just be over. We have that kind of love people dream about. I’m on my knees praying she comes back one day. I was always told fairytales weren’t real, but I’ve lived it, I’ve been placed in a real life fairytale. She is my Queen, she’s who completes me. I know fairytales are real, so where’s my happy ending?

-T.R.V