#literally nothing could have prepared me for how that paragraph ended tbh

[shitpostingfromthebarricade]

With all the gentleness of a brother for his wounded sibling, Jean Valjean laid Marius on the side bank of the sewer. Marius's bloody face appeared, under the white gleam from the air hole, as if at the bottom of a tomb. [. . .] Jean Valjean, removing [Marius's bloodied] garments with the ends of his fingers, laid his hand on his breast; the heart was still beating. Jean Valjean tore up his shirt, bandaged the wounds as best he could, and staunched the flowing blood; then, bending in the twilight over Marius, who was still unconscious and almost lifeless, he looked at him with an inexpressable hatred.

Marius: *unconscious, bleeding out, actively dying*

Jean Valjean immediately after tearing his own clothing to tenderly tend to this kid's wounds:

[xnchxntmxnt]

OMG HAPPY 2OO LUV!! ILYSM, AND YOU DEFINITELY DESERVE MORE!! AS EXPECTED I'M HERE FOR THE MATCHUP EVENT AND I'M SO SORRY FOR BEING LATE KSDJFHSDF

1 | name : amie 2 | pronouns : s/her 3 | preferred gender : doesn't really matter 4 | self-description :

— it's ya clown sho <3 anyway, i'm an ambivert but more inclined towards the introvert side. my MBTI is INFJ and i'm a Gemini. i'd describe myself as someone who's very observant? yea, i guess. i'm awkward and you know it. My favorite color is blue, specifically sapphire, but i love all pastel colors. My fav show is Chicago Medical and all the psychological and crime thrillers out there are my favorite ( silent patient is my #1 though ) I love painting, playing piano and basketball!

— what i look in a partner you ask, uh, someone who can tolerate my silence. there are times when i go quiet for a whole day, i'll barely speak, no interaction nothing. i want someone who'd not exactly 'deal with it' but 'understand it.' also, i want someone who i can talk to without any hesitation. i have a hard time opening up so i don't do it but when i do, i spill almost everything. i might cry, might have anxiety attack, i might even shout. i know it's not very healthy but i want someone who can help me with those. plus someone who i can read with please <3 cheating and not having any respect for personal space would be the major deal breaker for me

5 | gen. aesthetic : my fashion sense starts from sweats and ends in sweats. i'm a big fan of those oversized hoodies and shirts, like something really comfy. however, i do have a collection of formal wears like blazers and dress.

6 | color/s to describe myself : red, actually. if not read then blue. it switchers but red 90% of the times.

7 | fav song/s : literally everything by Chase Atlantic and The Neighborhood. However, my absolute favorites are some of the famous classical pieces like Experience by Ludovico Einaudi and Chopin's Ballade No. 1 Op 23.

8 | fav genre of music : classical music ( Beethoven, Einaudi and Chopin own my heart )

Lol this is very lengthy I'm sorry, btw congrats again!

I looked into MBTI, I looked into zodiacs, I went off of what you said

Here he is, the man, Seijoh’s do-it-all guy

HANAMAKI TAKAHIRO ur new boyfriend

There is not enough content for him, anyway

How You Met

Bear with me here

Think about this

Artist!hanamaki

You love painting? Art club.

Idk if youre actually in any art club but shhh

Anyway, it was probably some sort of community thing full of tons of different age artists (bc you’d have basketball or something after school and he had volleyball)

So like once a week on thursday afternoons everyone gets together and does all sorts of artsy stuff

Everyone listens to lo fi music (or you can bring headphones) and chit chat and just paint for a couple hours

Its in the back section of a library (bc the library near me does stuff like this its awesome) so if you want you can go read a book while you wait for things to dry

One day the person that ran it suggested you talked to the new guy

He was about your age, it was his first day, they didn't know what all he was good at, and tbh they thought you two would look cute together

Just the vibes yk

So you set up your canvas and stuff next to him and introduced yourself

And you guys just vibe to the playlist

He’s REALLY good

Compliments you a lot too

Which is fun because he’s cute so it makes you a little flustered

You find out you guys go to the same school and he’s on the VB team

And says he has a (practice) game that weekend and asks you to come if you can

Which you do

And they win! So its fun!

Matsukawa basically asks you out for him though

He’s heard all about you already

“You don't get it issei! She’s so pretty!! God, she touched my hand and I thought I was gonna die!!!!!” “the enthusiasm is new for you” “shut up asshole” (conversation from the night before)

So he walks up to you after the game and is like “Hey so,,, we’re going out to get some lunch, you wanna come?”

Makki thinks HES flirting with you and is pissed off about it

Until you all sit down for lunch and oh, the only open spot for him is next to you (since when is matsukawa willing to sit between iwaizumi and oikawa??)

He asked you out after art club that week (Mattsun threatened not to give him any more monster for the rest of the month if he didn't get the guts to do it)

General Headcanons

You date hanamaki, you're also dating matsukawa

There’s no separating them (good thing ur MBTIs work together too, especially for strong friendships)

This was literally my first thought

So

Good luck with both these trolls

More on that later

Of course he’s going to be worried if you go radio silent for a while, but he'll understand

There are some days he’s not gonna wanna talk either

He’s really supportive on your bad days of course

Expect a random text in the middle of the evening from him

“Hiya sweetheart, just wanted to remind you that you’re beautiful, I love you, and I hope your day is going well.”

When he’s having a bad day, the same thing is all he needs from you to keep moving

He’s a really honest person. If you want to talk to him, be prepared not to get any sugar coating. If you tell him to shut up because you don’t want advice, he will. But if you expect advice from him, expect brutally honest advice. Subtlety is not his strong suit, so when it comes to advice, he’s going to tell it like it is. He's just trying to help, yknow?

However, he’s pretty good with people, so will know how to comfort you when something is bothering you. Tea and cuddles? Gotcha. Dancing at 11pm because neither of you want to sleep yet? On it. You want him to hold you? Perfect.

He’s not like...the most touchy person? There are some things he’s really indifferent on, and other things he’s stubborn as hell with. Whatever you wanna do, though

His weakness though

⚠️this part is slightly little bit suggestive⚠️

He will randomly walk up to you and pull you against him, give you a really deep kiss, smirk and walk away like nothing happened

Like hands in hair probably almost making out and then just

Walk away

Because that’s how he kisses and it’s breathtaking every time

It’s either little temple kisses or forehead or cheek pecks or something

Or that

And probably leaves you flustered and it’s funny (to him) (and to me if I was there with you) (bc that would be funny)

Hmm I’m thinking

I’m thinking hair dye dates

He needs help doing his hair from time to time Y’know (he doesn’t he just likes spending time with you) and he wants to make it pink again

So he teaches you how to do his hair and even offers to dye yours one day

Either just a strand or the ends or everything, up to you

Imagine having twinning hair dye with makki isn’t that cute

I think it’s cute

I said ur platonically dating mattsun right

Yes you are now

He absolutely adores you and loves how much makki loves you

Probably would have asked you out if makki didn’t but he was really pushing for makki to because he was just all over you in the beginning

He wasn’t overly attached to you romantically so being friends? Perfect. Sounds great

You two get along wonderfully though like you act like siblings once you warm up to each other

Again, very brutally honest person, but a little more awkward so doesn’t know what he’s saying might come off as he’s acting like a dick

He doesn’t try to though and he does really care about you

Flat out told makki if he breaks up with you and breaks your heart he’s gonna kick his ass (makki doesn’t know he had the same (less aggressive) conversation with you)

Tbh all of the VBC at seijoh loves you

Oikawa loves talking to you he thinks you’re great for makki

Gets you in on he and makki and mattsun’s antics

Iwa thinks you’re good too he just doesn’t know you as well

I think that kunimi would like you (he was almost a runner up--)

Kindaichi too

The first years just think you’re cool even if they won’t say it out loud

Seijoh VBC loves you

You got mattsun’s approval

And hanamaki loves you with literally everything in his life

So

You’re pretty set with your strawberry baby huh

Date Night!

SLEEPOVERS

I was waiting for some matchup to come along that gave me sleepover vibes

In a perfect world where you could do sleepovers with your bf because most parents would,,,not let that happen

Imagine…

He shows up at like 7:00 after practice, pizza in hand because he picked up dinner

You two eat, chat about your day, he probably scarfs down half the pie bc it’s after practice ofc he’s hungry

So when you guys are done eating you head up to your room

And make pillow fort

It’s mandatory

Different design every time, but there’s a pillow fort nonetheless

And then when there’s just enough room for the both of you to climb in

You get a blanket and a couple pillows and one of your phones or laptops or whatever and watch a movie and cuddle

When the movie is over you guys break out the face masks

You ever wonder why he has such great skin? It’s thanks to you (or if you don’t have masks, he picks them up on the way home from practice)

But anyway you guys talk shit about people for a while and sit with the masks on (it’s usually him talking about how Oikawa is a bitch as much as he loves him) (or about whatever he and Mattsun were talking about lately)

You both get chances to vent while the masks sit on your face and you just vibe with music (usually that you pick) (he listens to like,,,meme songs and like CORPSE yk)

After masks you guys make/get some snacks and munch on those during another movie but this time you’re in comfy jammies and more relaxed Y’know

Less paying attention to the movie you’ve seen a million times and just vibing in each other’s presence and it’s just really sweet

Fall asleep on his chest

Let him fall asleep on yours

Either way, you’ve got him whipped for you he loves you

Not that he doesn’t already but that’s his favorite thing ever so please just let him do that

Always makes sure to tell you he loves you before you sleep too

If you fall asleep first he takes embarrassing pictures of you with your hair being a mess & you best bet he sends them to mattsun because “she’s so cute omfg” “dude” “dude what” “you’re so fuckin stupid” “?” “Whatever—good luck being whipped just tell me when you need to get a ring, k” “you’re such a jackass” “yeah yeah Gnight”

Zodiac/MBTI

Okay so I’m not doing a big long paragraph for all this BUT from what I understand, Gemini/Aquarius are really compatible, and ENTP and INFJ are known as “perfect matches” sO (I had a really hard time deciding between Atsumu and Makki because they're both ENTP)

Psst Gemini + Leo is compatible and so is INTP + INFJ,,,, so, again, asking you to marry me sho 💍💍

Aesthetic/Vibes

Playlist

Prelude and Fugue No. 1 in C major, BWV 846

Linus and Lucy by Vince Guaraldi Trio (meme song)

Sky Full Of Stars by The Piano Guys

Someone To You by The Piano Guys

Shut Up And Dance - Simply Three

Runners Up

Miya Atsumu, Tsukishima Kei

[bellaslilpapercut]

Eclipse reread part 2! This is gonna cover a lot of chapters because I forgot to include stuff from chapters 4, 5, and 6 in part 1 (in my defense your honor, this book is very grating to read). Awayyy we go:

1. so chapters 4-6 really could have been one chapter tbh since the plot is: Bella ditches work at Newton’s Outfitters to hang with Jake and then writes some graduation invites with Angela. She pushes her rusty old behemoth as fast as it can go through driving rain but then hangs outside with Jake the whole time so I don’t really know where the rain went. She also manages to hear Jake gasp through her closed car door! Super sonic! Anyway, Bella insists that Edward is a good guy, Jake makes Bella hold his hand, Jake explains imprinting (yuck we can skip that), and then Edward drives threateningly past Bella while she’s on her way to Angela’s house. Angela reminds Bella that, at his core, Edward is a teen boy who is Totally Jealous of how Ripped and Sexy her 16 year old best friend is. Then Alice kidnaps Bella. Fun times!

2. During the imprinting convo it becomes very apparent that Meyer thinks the worst thing that can happen to a girl is getting broken up with. Somehow Leah got the “worst end” of the Sam/Emily/Leah fiasco despite Sam turning into a “monster” and Emily getting literally mauled in the face. What’s worse is later in the book, during the “Legends” chapter, when Bella wonders if Leah thinks Emily’s scars are a form of “justice.” Yea, Bella, that’s justice. 

3. I love this Rosalie quote but hate the entirety of they way meyer writes her story. Others have mentioned it before but Meyer writes Rose's dialogue there as if Rose is an author and not like...a person telling a story. An easy fix would be to format Rosalie's story "flash back" style rather than have her narrate all the way through. Then you can include all the superfluous details of exactly what everyone's voice sounded like and all the excessive dialogue tags you want.

I also Violently Abhor this quote here:

Yea, meyer, the Hot Girl hates your self-insert because her stupid ass brother didn't have the hots for her. It just reads like weird middle school revenge fantasy "I only hated you because you were so Special!!!" Sure, sure. Also "all those females!" People don't talk like that @stephanie

4. I do love the scene when Bella “escapes” from Alice with Jake (I don’t know why i put escape in quotes, Alice could definitely murk Bella) but then that whole adventure ends with Jake telling Bella he’d rather she die than turn into a vampire. And yeah, fair buddy, but also you’ve known Bella for a long time. This should not be a surprise to you at all even a little bit. a) she mentioned it before, b) you knew she would never get over Edward even if your plan in NM had worked, and c) you’ve known that she’s fully obsessed with the Cullen’s since you started hanging out with her again. The last time you guys hung out she went on an impassioned rampage about how lovely and good and fantastic Edward is (footage not found) I really don’t know why you’re surprised that this hard-headed girl is prepared to commit to vampirism for him. She is not normal lmfao.

5. The legends chapter. Oh boy. Stephanie, Meyer, Smeyer. Honestly it might have been less offensive if she had just made up a whole new tribe to give these backstories to, for all that they have in common with real Quileute legends but actually that would still be offensive and terrible anyway. I don’t know how to describe this adequately but if you’ve ever seen G.I. Joe’s portrayal of indigenous people that’s exactly what meyer made Old Quil and Billy’s dialogue sound like. Just absolutely dripping with Mystical Native/ Magical Native trope from the content to the tone. https://mthg.org/ Because it can’t be plugged enough.  

6. The legends chapter ends with this Wuthering Heights quote:

I have no qualms with it's inclusion, if you really want to push the Edward is Heathcliff and Bella is Cathy agenda, I don't believe it but fine, whatever. But those last two paragraphs are such a dumb way to end a chapter. Every chapter ending should make the reader want to turn the page: this makes me want to shut the book (actually I did take a long break after this lmfao). Anyway, just end the quote on "drank his blood," bold those three words, and end the chapter there. Don't go back and say "the three words that stood out were... Anyway it could have fallen to any page I believe in coincidence teehee!!" That's just annoying.

7. Okay guys I hate to say it but Edward does get a lil bit of ~character growth after the first few chapters. He comes home after having Bella kidnapped (she decides not to be angry, surprise surprise) and is all "so I've been thinking about it and you're right my Beloved Angel Face or whatever, please hang out with Jacob but also wear a helmet on your motorcycle my Beloved Dumb Idiot or whatever" (paraphrase). And he also says this in chapter 12:

Which is like, man I hate when I agree with Edward but I agree with Edward here. Now I know from MS that he only wants Bella to stay human because he's creating an Unfolding Drama in his head but this bit of dialogue is really sweet. And it's funny that he thought Bella didn't want to marry him because she just wanted to use him for immortality but it's also a Dark Reminder that he's literally only romantic with her because he can't read her mind and can't tell that she's just as obsessed with his looks as the other Teen Girls TM.

8. uuuh Jasper’s Backstory Time. This is so infuriating to read for so many reasons. So we know that smeyer got Jasper’s name from a confederate memorial/ listing (from a New Moon Q&A but the link isn’t secure so I can’t share) so I know that his backstory was always meant to be Confederate Soldier which makes everything else about his characterization just baffling. Again, he was the only Cullen that was genuinely kind to Bella besides Carlisle for the entire first book and he’s still incredibly kind during Eclipse (which is another issue I have though because no one mentions again that Jasper tried to eat Bella and they stand close to each other and hang out and Bella’s never like “this is scary, this dude tried to kill me” but i digress). The point is: smeyer knew he was going to be a confederate from book 1. She never addresses that this was bad, she never has Jasper mention that he regrets his role in the war, he is the only Cullen that’s actually capable of empathizing with humans anymore (Carlisle cares but I would not categorize him as empathetic), it just... None of these pieces fit together. This is a fraught and bloody history that smeyer throws in with no thought to how it might alienate black readers (though tbh she constantly emphasizes “white beauty” throughout the series so I doubt she cares) and the editors don’t question it either. No one, at any point in time, said “Hey, steph, you know confederates fought for slavery, right?” Every black american deserves reparations. White women and men who glorify the civil war should be the first to pay up. 

9. I’m gonna jump back to chapters 9 & 10 here (target & scent, respectively) to say: no tension is being effectively built. I get it, someone stole your clothes. You’re annoyed because you have nothing to wear and Victoria is scary. But where is she? Where is the volturi? Move it along, please! This is one of the challenges of 1st person narrative because the author is stuck in the eyes of, usually, the person who knows the least. Meyer is not a talented enough author to make this interesting. Not to bring up THG again but Suzanne Collins really knew how to work 1st person. Everything that Katniss asserts with certainty throughout the series gets either confirmed or denied by the narrative, keeping it interesting. She assumes the worst of the people around her so we’re pleasantly surprised when people violate those assumptions. We’re kept on edge by how little Katniss knows and SC never gifts Katniss with more knowledge than she could be expected to have. Bella is constantly gifted with knowledge and her assumptions are rarely proven wrong. You can dig into the canon a little bit more, read the lexicon and the guide, and find all the examples of Bella being unreliable or making wrong assumptions. But within the narrative she is rarely incorrect. She doesn’t get opportunities to grow out of her false assumptions (while Edward does, at least in Eclipse). So to keep the Victoria debacle interesting, smeyer has to plant seeds like- during these two chapters- Bella thinking of Laurent and Victoria while the cullens discuss who could have been in Bella’s room. That just doesn’t cut it for me. 

This is hella long and I’m only halfway through the book. I probably should split the second half into two parts as well but based on how talented smeyer is at stretching out the mundane, especially just before the climax, I probably wont need to. 

[tomjopson]

The idea of a fic director’s cut is fascinating to me and tbh if you pasted any fic of yours in a doc and wrote a commentary, I’d be delighted to read it, but for the purpose of this meme: anything you’d like to say about “hope lost on yesterdays”? 🙌✨

I all but copy-pasted the fic, condensed with added commentary below the cut!

Sorry mobile users since read mores dont work properly on the app  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

“hope lost on yesterdays” writers commentary addition  *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

//

The grind is deep enough that Edward feels the vibration inhis bones. It is a deep, guttural bellow, like that of a mammoth gate of ironand rust scraping open to reveal a deep descent into the bowels of the earth,beyond its molten crust into the unending conflagration of hell.

[Portrayals of hell in literature and media alike havealways fascinated me. Now of course, my portrayal here leans the traditionalfire/brimstone imagery, but I also like to play with the idea of a frozenwasteland, such as the Arctic itself, being indicatory of a hellish landscape.]

//

The ship groans again, as magnificently and terribly as acrack of lightning, and for a brief, heart-stopping second, Edward wonders ifthis was the final one; the wood of the ship splintering and bending to theintense pressure of the ice, crumpling inward as easily as a paper boat crushedin a child’s careless grip. [Is it a Terror fic without the ice groaning andsome metaphor about the ice crushing the ship? I think not. But I was pleasedwith the analogy of the child and paper boat which took me more time to comeup with than I like to admit because it makes the ice as careless and indifferent as a child with a plaything; it removes the malice from the force of nature.]

//

“You’d think it get easier,” Solomon’s rumbling andsleep-filled voice says, “ignoring the ice. Damn noise wakes me up every time.”[For all the people who sayI get Solomon’s voice down (which, by the way thank you ), Iliterally mutter dialogue to myself as I write it, and if I can picture DavidWalmsley saying it, I call it good.]

//

Edward hums in response, sliding deeper under the covers ofthe bunk when the man beside him turns toward him and wraps a pair of strongarms around his middle. The tip of Edward’s nose brushes against the man’sbeard, and he sniffs at the tickle.

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” Edward whispers, his eyesfluttering shut again when Solomon’s fingers start rubbing circles on his lowback. [Lots of casual intimacy in these paragraphs, constant little touches,a continual desire to be in contact; this plays off my belief that Edwardhimself is very tactile but also the intimacy that has blossomed between thesetwo and has translated to how physically comfortable they are with each other]

//

Solomon nudges a leg under him, and Edward allows him to twist them around sothat Edward lies on top [I love making characters manhandle Edward. Not surewhat that says about me…], the new position accentuating the leftover achebetween his legs. 

//

…Sergeant Tozer had crept through the vacant wardroom to Edward’scabin door, sliding it open quietly and quickly, without invitation, but asmall and warm grin on his lips that dispelled any reprimand forming onEdward’s tongue. [Part of the appeal of many, many pairings in Terror isthat they’re all forbidden, to a certain extent. There’s always thethrill of secrecy and the risk of being caught, that makes each relationshipfeel dangerous and exhilarating, portrayed differently depending on thecharacters and how he would personally react to breaking/bending rules.]  

//

…further loosened by the bottle ofmadeira that Solomon retrieved from the inner folds of his coat, lifted duringthe re-organizing of the ship’s stores as they prepared for the long walkacross the ice. [Although at this point in the show’s canon, Solomon does not like Hickey and has not flirted with the idea of mutiny yet, hehas made his feelings on authority pretty clear, so I like to think that hisway of “sticking it to the man” would manifest in things like his stealing thewine.]

//

“And who will punish me? Can’t be the first lieutenant.He’s a habit of breaking rules himself.”

“What rules would those be?”

Solomon had given him a wicked smirk as he handed him thebottle.

“I don’t think the Admiralty takes kindly to theirofficers sucking cocks, sir.”

[Another trope I like exploring in Terror fics is how themen react to homosexuality, his own personal sexual preference, the need forromantic vs platonic vs sexual love, and how that translates to hisinterpersonal relationships. Now, because I am an absolute sap, Itypically lean romance in a lot of my portrayals, but I like to think that whatdrew Solomon and Edward together in the first place was physical.]

//

They fucked in near silence, the pillow swallowing Edward’ssighs and Solomon digging his teeth into Edward’s shoulders to muffle hismoans. [The sex scene is straightforward because these two clearly know whatthey want from each other and don’t feel the need to draw it out withunnecessary pretense. Plus, at this point in their relationship, I believethey’ve fucked a few times before and have their nonverbal communication and rhythm down.]

//

Perhaps it was the acceptance that their expedition had failed, and now, theywere simply trying to escape the Arctic with as few casualties as possible. [Ireally want to highlight the last line of this paragraph because I think, in alot of ways, conceding defeat and accepting failure is one the biggestcharacter flaws of numerous Terror characters. Admitting failure is tough,sure, but the stubbornness and arrogance of this led to men’s deaths and further suffering. And of course, the failure is even worse when you add the ever-increasing number of men lost.]

//

That night was also when Sergeant Tozer—some unspeakablequality also altered in him, following Carnivale and the death of PrivateHeather—had crossed the threshold into officer country for the first time andelbowed his way into Edward’s cabin and bed. [It was important for me tomention the loss of Heather, whether as the loss of a friend to Tozer or theloss of one of his “men” so to speak. This loss was what propelledTozer forward, to pursue Little. The use of the verb elbow wasjust a further nod to how Tozer wrenched his way into Little’s life, but youknow like affectionately.]

//

“I don’t want to go,” he admits, the words falling from histongue like the last leaves clinging to a long-dead tree.

“You don’t have to. This is your cabin.”

The attempt at humor is poor, but the irritation in Edward’svoice is dulled by his exhaustion.

“The ships, Tozer. I don’t want to leave the ships.” [I love this exchange, because Edwardis broaching a very difficult topic, and Tozer just lets it slide off his backlike water, still attempting to bring lightness to the situation.]

//

Instead, Solomon’s voice is muffled by the hair on Edward’s headwhen he says, “We may die yet, and all this will finally be over.” [self-destructiveor simply realistic? This fatalism that grows in Tozer is partly what made himso susceptible to Hickey’s mutiny later.]

//

Edward sits on the edge of his bunk, and Solomon’s kneesbump into his as the man fumbles toward him in the darkness. Solomon gropes forEdward’s hand, and he unfurls each finger, tracing the lines along Edward’spalm. The longer he stands there, holding Edward’s hand, the more that Edwardfights the urge to interlace their fingers and pull Solomon back. [It was soso so important to me that it wasn’t just 1) drink 2) fuck 3) leave, so I triedto infuse as much sensual intimacy as I could into this story. The sex is aperk, sure, but what ultimately draws these two together is a deep desire for connection, understanding, and comfort. The hand holding is another exchangethat shows how they don’t want this shared moment to end, and how both of thembenefit from and desire this intimacy.]

//

“See you on the other side, sir,” he says as his goodbyebefore he slides the door open and leaves. [Significant that this is what he says vs simply a goodbye or, worse, nothing.]

//

Edward settles himself back into his bed, burying his noseinto the portion of his pillow where traces of Solomon’s scent clings. [The yearning.Still clinging to traces of Solomon, even as the man’s presence disappears fromthe room.]

//

[Final note, I wrote this in a single evening, literallyout of a desperate desire to have more Little/Tozer content. I went into itdeciding that I didn’t even care if the fic was any good or not, and, much tomy chagrin but also relief, this ended up being one of my better fics. Removingthe crippling perfectionism and expectations does writers wonders. I also very much want to write a companion piece that takes place during the first day both of them are at Terror Camp together, so fingers crossed that I write that sooner than later.]

[tchaikovskaya]

world’s most annoying petulant whining about stuff i know im wrong for not being more than satisfied with under the cut bc im the woooorst :)))

ok so i took the gre today and i did SUPER well, i took it last year w/o studying and got 160 V/ 163 Q, which happens to be like ~83th %ile for both of them. definitely not bad and served my purposes (i knew i only needed a 300 to get into my undergrad university’s masters program so i didnt bother with buckling down and studying lol) but i know/knew i could do better if i actually prepared for it. so this time i did, and every practice test ive taken has been like mid-low 160s for the verbal and almost never below 167 for the quant. i know theyre not a very faithful measure for the real test because the real thing has the difficulty adaptive scoring algorithm so i didnt reaaaally know what to expect. 

so test day arrives! i did well on both verbal sections, i wasnt agonizing over any of the questions tbh, it went fine. i had 3 quant sections which means one of them was experimental and didnt factor into my score, im almost certain it was the last section bc its difficulty level was generally normal after having a normal one first and a harder (adapted) one second. i am about 99.99% positive that i got every single question in the first quant section correct. i even finished with like 10 minutes left and went back and completely redid the handful of problems i thought were relatively difficult and confirmed my answer. and because of the adaptive difficulty method, since i did so well on the first section, the second section’s questions were ALL at least moderately hard. the jump in difficulty was honestly insane and it really flustered me lmfao.

so i basically ran out of time with 2 questions left, i had 30 seconds left when i finished the 18th of 20 questions. one of them was a question where you had to type in your answer, so i couldnt just pick a random answer choice and have a 1/5 chance of it being right. then i had 10 seconds left and i looked at the last question and it was a “select all choices that apply” question with a full paragraph of text so i was just like lol nope and clicked the answer in the middle thinking here goes nothing. and the section timer ran out and auto-closed the test section literally 1 second after that. so im guaranteed to have gotten at least one wrong, almost certainly at least 2, and most likely 3+ bc the preceding 18 questions were so difficult and time consuming to solve.

so... the tests ends and my scores pop up on the screen and.....

i got a 166.....?

the gre quantitative section’s grading curve is generally much less forgiving than the verbal section’s (i guess a disproportionate number of STEM people take the general gre test? idk) so missing 2 questions means your score drops by 2 or more points (usually more than 2 lol), and i’ll never know for sure thanks to how the adaptive scoring thing that i already mentioned works, but if i’d had time to actually attempt the last two questions and gotten them both right i most likely would have gotten a perfect 170 so lmfao fuck me :)))))

i know that sounds so annoying like boo fucking hoo i scored in the 92nd %ile instead of the 99th :((( woe is me! but its just frustrating knowing that i COULD have, yknow? i feel like if i had finished all the questions and felt good about it and gotten a 166 i’d be over the moon with that

honestly idk what scores i was hoping to get but i really just wanted to break 330, which i accomplished, and i was terrified that my scores would either stay the same or drop the 2nd time so deep down i know im definitely happy with it but :/ ugh

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 040: Deku VS Todoroki (Conclusion)

Previously on BnHA: Oh god. Shouto flashed back repeatedly to his horrific childhood. Deku decimated basically his entire body in his quest to get Todoroki to finally use his left side. Like, he literally chose the most perverse and insane possible way to do this. For reasons I can’t begin to fathom, none of the adults bothered to intervene in this bloodbath. My god it pissed me off so much. Anyway, Todoroki finally did realize that his power is his own and he can use it without it automatically meaning that he’s giving in to his evil father. It made him very happy and was a very powerful moment tbh. BUT AT WHAT COST.

Today on BnHA: Deku and Todoroki nearly blow up the stadium and each other before the U.A. faculty FINALLY steps in. Deku is blown out of bounds and the fight ends. Endeavor is all, YESSSSS, JOIN ME AND TOGETHER WE CAN RULE THE GALAXY AS FATHER AND SON but Shouto is just, WHATEVER, I DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT YOU and it’s the best. All Might and Deku have an emotional moment in the nurse’s office while Recovery Girl is just like, “smdh.” Basically the manga shyly offers me an apology and a bouquet of flowers for putting me through all of that bullshit in the last chapter, and LIKE A FOOL I fall for it hook, line and sinker.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 94 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

so here we are at chapter 40. officially about 20% of the way through the story so far. a lot has happened! Deku has learned to control his powers! somehow it’s made absolutely no difference in terms of how frequently he’s been gravely injured! in fact if anything it’s all gotten much, much worse!

oh my god Endeavor is jumping up in the stands and fucking SCREAMING about how Shouto’s finally accepted his blood and now he can finally fulfill his (Endeavor’s) ambitions

someone push him down these stairs

oh my god the chapter is titled “Emancipation.” lol I assume it’s metaphorical, but what I wouldn’t fucking give for Shouto to somehow legally tell his dad to just fuck off forever

Mic calls Endeavor a “doting parent.” that’s... a take. possibly the most ironic fucking thing anyone has ever said

Aizawa seems to know a little bit more about Shouto’s history with his dad though, since he’s thinking to himself that they’re not on good terms. but maybe he just figured that out from Shouto’s insistence on not using his left side

Todoroki is completely thawed out now and on fucking fire and Deku is grinning and Shouto asks him what the fuck he’s smiling about lol. he’s smiling because he helped you, silly! but yes you’re right he is totally fucking screwed

can we get this match ended at last please?? can we get a fucking mercy rule implemented into this fucking tournament

please help me out here, U.A. as unfathomably badass as Todoroki is at full power, I really don’t want to sit through another whole fucking chapter of Deku doing insane things he really shouldn’t be able to do

you know what I would enjoy, though? a quick cut to show how the villains are reacting to all of this. or Deku’s mom, for that matter! assuming she hasn’t passed out or anything. but even if she did, she said she was recording it, so

(ETA: lol are you guys sick of me speculating about Deku’s mom every five paragraphs yet)

DEKU YOUR SECRET IS FUCKING OUT NOW. IT’S WHAT YOU DESERVE, QUITE HONESTLY

and finally Cementoss is springing into action. JESUS CHRIST. TAKE YOUR TIME WHY DON’T YOU. honestly, both he and Midnight -- and really the entire faculty -- are lucky if they’re not charged with child endangerment after all of this

(ETA: well I’m glad U.A.’s student safety record does actually become a plot point later. but slightly annoyed that no one had any problem with this particular spectacle and that it only became an issue after the second villain attack)

having no self-preservation instincts isn’t a fucking superpower and it isn’t something children should be aspiring to

fucking look at these idiots

DON’T EXPECT A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FROM ME NOW, CEMENTOSS

jesus there was like a fucking shockwave. that was all Deku, I’m sure. the giant fire tornado erupting from the stadium is all Todoroki, though!

I’m pretty sure everyone in the stadium just collectively shat their pants

lol forever if a single one of the heroes in the stands even thinks about having the audacity to think they could ever claim either of these two as a sidekick after this. no matter who it is, THEY’RE THE ONES WHO WOULD BE THE FUCKING SIDEKICK

fucking I don’t even know, Mic

so who fucking won. was it a tie?

there’s so much fucking steam from all of the suddenly-melted ice

that shit should be scalding Deku and Shouto both. but we’ve long since torpedoed past the boundaries of realism within this particular fight

there’s a panel of Deku’s shoe but not showing the rest of him...

HE’S OUT OF BOUNDS. OH MY GOD. PRAISE ALL MIGHT. FUCKING FINALLY THIS FIGHT IS FUCKING OVER

so Todoroki moves on to round three

no matter who wins in the Shiozaki/Iida match, they should just fucking forfeit afterward lmao

the audience can’t understand what Deku’s strategy was. there’s no point in trying to understand it, he was basically just trying to make his friend feel better to the point that he became near-suicidal in that pursuit

still, would anyone in this crowd actually want to fuck with him after witnessing that??

YOU DON’T COUNT

lol do you still want these two as your rivals though. and Deku went and made your job even harder for you

and he overheard that conversation earlier, so he understands the significance of what just went down better than anyone else in this audience

oh look, Shouto is being confronted by a walking piece of flaming shit. what an interesting sight

he says Shouto is finally ready to replace him. fucking get over yourself. I’m trying to think of truly awful things to compare you to but I’m so mad I can’t even come up with any

but he seems to think that this means Shouto is done “rebelling” and has anyone ever been so wrong before I wonder

FUCKING YESS

YESSSS RIGHT IN HIS PRIDE

AND NOW HE’S WALKING AWAY

SHOUTO STAY RIGHT THERE!! I’M COMING AROUND!! GOT A BIG HIGH FIVE WITH YOUR NAME ON IT

aaaaand the nurse’s office again!!

so just how dead is Deku this time

shit

shit. I hope they maxed out his painkillers, this poor stupid fucking kid

WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE GOING TO TELL HIS MOTHER GODDAMMIT

and okay but, can you please stop putting it on All Might though. yes he put pressure on Deku, but Deku’s inner fire has like a psychotic edge to it that even he couldn’t have ever anticipated. All Might told him to go out there with a smile, not screaming like a madman and methodically breaking all of his bones one by one

also, he didn’t anticipate Shouto’s involvement in all this and just how far Deku would go for him

which, by the way, I know there’s a sizable chunk of the fandom that ships TodoDeku (or really it’d probably be the other way round wouldn’t it), and like, it’s hard not to see why. you know I’m all about that BakuDeku ship, but Deku clearly has a lot of love to go around. lots of terrifying, violent love

anyway, the point is this wasn’t All Might’s doing. he’s not fucking Dumbledore manipulating the poor kid left and right. he’s still new to being a mentor and he vastly underestimated his protege’s propensity for getting himself deep into the shit

Recovery Girl says All Might better not praise him for what he did. okay, yeah, that I can 100% agree with. it wasn’t healthy or sane or smart by any stretch, and it accomplished absolutely nothing that a couple of sessions with a halfway decent therapist couldn’t have done. though from what I’ve seen, I’m not sure if this school believes in things like therapists

and here comes the fam

oh shit I just realized All Might is still in Skinny Steve form

um

-- DEKU IS CONSCIOUS???!

HELLO NICE TO MEET YOU

DEKU IS FUCKING CONSCIOUS THOUGH??!

I HOPE HE’S DOPED UP TO THE NINES

apparently they took a break to repair the arena

this piece of shit is expressing an opinion I happen to agree with. it happens

but that’s okay because Deku doesn’t need to be some stupid shitty so-called pro’s shitty sidekick. I hate like 90 percent of the pros outside of the U.A. faculty anyway

well. but Best Jeanist though...

now Recovery Girl is chasing them all out and saying he’s about to have surgery

they’re all like “SURGERY?!” YES, SURGERY. WERE YOU NOT WATCHING THE SAME FIGHT THAT I WAS

sdlfkhl damn it and Deku’s apologizing now

he’s so fucking out of it, I can’t be mad at him even though I was so fucking mad at him!!! you idiot!!

All Might, hey, hold it. wait up. dude. you don’t get openly emotional and you never have up till this point so don’t start now when it’s so late and I’m not prepared. if you lose it even the slightest degree I will literally be a mess

and now All Might is realizing Deku was trying to get Todoroki to get over his hangups

and Deku’s saying yes, because “it was just too sad...”

does All Might know what he’s talking about? he can probably guess some of it, but he doesn’t know just how bad it was with Todoroki and Endeavor

Deku says he tried to mind his own business, but he couldn’t take it

“it was so frustrating.” kid, I 100% agree. but like, you and I have different approaches to solving problems like this oh my god

anyways so he completely forgot about his goal of winning the tournament and “lost himself”

well at least this exonerates All Might from having had anything to do with this outcome. just in case he was prepared to blame himself

Deku hasn’t cried once during any of this, incidentally. is he just too exhausted

he needs huuuuuuugs. surgery and then hugs!!

you know what could have changed what happened. literally anyone intervening at any point before the match actually ended

ooooh just like that I’m starting to get mad all over again lol. but not at you, All Might. and not at Deku, who was clearly out of his mind, just totally off the rails with his psychotic good intentions

“however, giving help that’s not asked for... is part of what makes a true hero.” awww ;_;

look, again, I don’t deny that Shouto needed help in some shape or form

and I guess all’s well that ends... sort of... okay

just. wow, what a fucking outcome. what a train wreck of a battle. that was something, all right

“Midoriya Izuku... finished in the top eight”

and the chapter ends

bonus

looks like we’re done with character profiles for the time being! NOW IT’S COSTUME COMMENTARY OH GOODY :D :D :D

how much of this did Bakugou design himself, I wonder? he probably just explained how his quirk worked and what he wanted the gauntlet thing to do and that he wanted it to look cool (by his weird definition of cool)

I really love Bakugou’s quirk. I don’t know if I’ve said this. but it’s probably my second or third favorite, after Ochako’s and possibly Aizawa’s. just something about explosions. I’ve been a Gokudera fangirl for too long lol. and I also love his fighting style and his blasting all over the place

look at the thought that went into even the fucking grenade pin design

Bakugou can fucking blow shit up with his knees?? holy shit. I thought those were just weird Mad Max style knee pads lmao

(ETA: I think maybe by “kill with his knees” they just mean he could like. crush some poor dude or something. just bludgeon them or some shit. how violent)

and he can put his explosive sweat into the grenades on his belt too. “what’s the point?” well, you never know. plus it looks cool to have the grenades there on his belt

“all in all: heartless” this guy never stops shitting on my favorite character lol

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Palm Reading + Mandarin | Fostered Writing Update

Hey People of Earth!

It’s been *years* since I wrote my last writing update, and seeming as though I have some time to draft this, I thought I’d pop another one your way!

This update is going to cover the writing haps from FOSTERED!

The last FOSTERED update I posted was in October, so here’s a summary of what’s happened in the last few months:

I drafted Palm Reading and Dark Room from October to November

^ And then never wrote anything in December

Literally had a crisis

What’s New

These last few chapters of this book were not happening? I’ve probably drafted a total of four chapters this entire semester because of how little time I have to write, which isn’t fun. I was having a hard time balancing writing for school, and writing for myself, so my book definitely suffered a lil bit. 

In terms of plot summary, the squad has been at a cabin in Oregon for the last few weeks. I’ve translated this to literally only two chapters, however, it will physically pain me to keep writing in this setting, so I’m moving on! The first chapter I’ll be updating you on is called Palm Reading. 

I mentioned in my last FOSTERED update that this book is currently split into two parts: part one being tentatively titled ‘Children’. PALM READING is the first chapter of part two, and also, the first full chapter at The Cabin. In my last update, I talked about the squad arriving at the cabin. I thought I’d flesh this out more in this update! (Also: I’m hoping to make a 3D model of the cabin in the future--I already have all the blueprints!)

The cabin is owned by Lonan’s (deceased) father, and is now inhabited by Reeve + Lonan’s sister, Christiane, who now goes by Anna. Bad Things happen at this cabin, which is why I’m swinging out early! PALM READING is split into five scenes:

All you have to know: the squad has travelled across the universe to cheer Lonan up because he’s going through some Tough Times. This is, of course, a very bad idea. 

Scene A:

This scene is a flashback Reeve recounts of her and her sister as children before their mother’s fancy garden party. 

Scene B:

Reeve makes French onion soup for Lonan in an attempt to cheer him up. Her estranged mother, Izzy, tries to help, to no avail. 

Tbh, this scene could be cut lol. It’s very short, and not super interesting in my opinion! Though I’m not very fond of this chapter in general. 

Scene C:

Lonan doesn't like Reeve’s soup (apparently this whole chapter is just soup?? we should just call it soup???), and dissociates when he encounters Anna’s son. He gets a lil violent and Darren steps in to save ze day (a valiant boi). 

Fun fact: I wrote an entire mini story with Lonan and Harrison, recounting the aftermath of this encounter (see more below ;))

Scene D:

Anna and Reeve hang on the porch, and Reeve fantasizes about what her life would be like if her sister was still in her life beyond childhood. 

Scene E:

Reeve leaves her sister on the porch and her and Darren have some timezzzzzz. 

Fun fact:

This chapter was originally called just PALM before I started writing this update. I wasn’t mega happy with the title, but I like it a lot more as this expansion!

Yo dis chapter the whole alphabet or what?? I’m not particularly happy with it because it’s not cohesive at all?? I found I wrote a ton of tiny lil scenes that didn’t fit together very well, lol. I think if I cut the scene breaks and integrated the chapter into three bigger scenes, this would’ve been a lot more effective. The reason most of these scenes are so tiny, is because I believe I wrote this chapter over a very long period of time. I find if I leave a chapter for too long between breaks, it just isn’t very good since I lose a lot of momentum.  

Excerpts:

I’ll share the whole first scene! Not my *favourite* scene but is ok:

Izzy made it clear it was a garden party, even though we didn’t have a garden. She’d rewritten her plans on her toile stationary from Paris, and pinned the leaflets to the fridge so the neighbours would think she looked rich. She bought a red check pinafore from the Goodwill and pretended it was designer. Her panty hose were sheer and black and made her look like an off-brand prostitute.

The neighbours would be in by three. Christiane and I set the table with the good cutlery, and hung Chinese lanterns from the doorways. Izzy lit the tea lights and peeled the carrots over the sink.

Before the guests arrived, Christiane and I played out by the marsh. We hopped puddles and skipped rocks. We practiced our Spanish in ruled notebooks even though Izzy enrolled us in French. We caught crickets and brown-bellied spiders in bug boxes, and ate crackers and deli meat, and the leftover frog legs Izzy bought from the bistro. The Tupperware sweat with chervil and nutmeg. She said, Evie, it tastes just like chicken you know, like that somehow made a difference. Izzy yelled at us for scraping our knees when we got back home. The neighbours are going to think I have savages for children. Do you know how mothers with savages for children look?

She made us wash our hair with castile soap, and pinned it back in matching chignons. She dressed Christiane in a tartan smock, and me in a tunic and skirt. She was twelve, I was ten. Izzy pulled her hair into two Dutch braids, and tied off the ends with bits of ribbon from the Christmas wrapping drawer. Dad came home from work late, and said, Izzy, baby, you’re looking so new age, and she cried and had to reapply her lipstick. 

Scene two, three, and four are like, not good, lol, so skipping to scene five!

Scene five gets a lil steamy yeepers--keeping it PG, but just a warning:

You are a system of constellations—all blinking and in order. A life sized Orion, all neon Alnitak, Alnilam, Mintaka. 

Putting this in for the Darren Roast (also lol look @ me just switching POVs):

You’re so je ne sais quois, you’re so candied and virgin, you’re so liberal, it hurts. You kiss me like we’re dating, and maybe we are. Maybe I’m your girlfriend, and you’ll take me to Thanksgiving at your mother’s, and your family will love me, and serve me cranberry sauce and tofurkey and kefir from mason jars.

That’s it for PALM READING!

The chapter I wrote after palm reading is called Dark Room. I briefly mentioned it in a vlog I’m compiling, however, I’m skipping out on writing an update on it because a) nothing is really shareable, and b) the content is kind of too difficult to explain/sift through!

The last thing I wanted to share was this lil adventure I wrote in October called Mandarin. 

MANDARIN is a short-somethin (story??? i say lightly) following the events of PALM READING, and covers Lonan and Harrison in a tent in the woods. ;) I hesitate to call it a story because it’s more just me being a shit disturber to see what I can mess up in my book in a different point of view. ;)

I can’t remember why I wanted to write this, lol. I think it’s just because I was feeling a lil stressed, and writing with my boys is always very fun. I knew things went very wrong for Lonan at the end of PALM READING, so I wanted to take some time to experiment with what exactly happened that the reader doesn't get to see.

The premise is: Harrison is being *nice* and offers to help Lonan fix his face after Darren comes in like Godzilla for his lil noggin, and things Go Wrong. 

(Also: at this point, I’ve written three *shippy* stories with these boyz, and I’ve made it my duty to compile a lil anthology of *ship* and print it out and put it on my shelf. ;))

Excerpts:

I really only included this segment because of this paragraph, not even that I love it, but because Harrison always describes Lonan with such an acute awareness to detail and its soooooooo cuuuuute:

Tangles of dark hair part down Lonan’s scalp, and drift into Harrison’s eyes. It’s getting long, now. He hasn’t had a trim in months. Harrison can measure the days since, like a personal calculator. He’s been paying attention. It’s two inches past his eyes. He hasn’t cut it since April. His skin is white, like the ivory tusks of an elephant, or the swirl of half and half. His eyes marbles of aquamarine, like an expensive China doll. Harrison would import copies and hoard them. Even though he’s bruised around the eyes, the skin puffy, and purple, he’d display him and tell everyone he’s handmade from Russia. 

same

Alrighty folks, that’s it for this update! I’m almost finished an update for a new short story, so keep an eye out for that! My semester finishes on Wednesday, so prepare to see me clutterin’ up your feed in the near future!

--Rachel

[ryouverua]

Prelude to Disaster

IT’S TIME TO RESCUE OUR PRINCESS!!!

No actually though I’m 99% sure we’re going to find a body and I’m kinda terrified because I don’t want to lose Kaito or Kokichi, honestly, but everyone else is here so!!!

I was about to make a joke about how strange it would be to see her wielding a giant hammer but then I remembered that as a master cosplayer, she’s probably decently strong if she’s lugging around her own outfit and props. S-Sorry about that jab in the other post, my girl!

I ended up deleting a big chunk of paragraph about my own experiences cosplaying with large props, but the tl;dr of it is she’s probably a lot stronger than I give her credit for, depending on what she’s using! I know I’ve been regularly asked how heavy a few of the things I’ve carried are and had some fun comments tossed my way about being able to lift also applause when I get through doorways lmao so I’m going to just assume anything I can do, she can do 100 x better.

...

SO ENOUGH ABOUT THE HAMMER, SHOW ME YOUR GUNS, TSUMUGI!!!!

Don’t you have plenty of mallets and hammers in your lab though? 8���D And didn’t you say you can use everything in there? Well okay, so then what exactly do you have in mind -

MAKI NO

“Just... back away... slowly, Saihara... Back awaaaaay.....”

She’s gone from very reserved to incredibly excited about the entire affair, goodness!

“You’re not the only one worried about their extroverted boyfriend, Maki! Sharing is caring!″

"We had a wonderfully meaningful conversation and at the end of it all, I felt compelled to give him this strange pink fragment and my underwear. I was also entirely oblivious to the massive death flags he was waving in my face as well as the fact that he was essentially dictating his will to me. What? What’s with those looks, guys?

the canon scenes with kaito has been him attempting to collect shuichi’s friendship fragments and you will not convince me otherwise

cough guarding cough

I guess if they go one at a time they could sneak past the exisals?

“KAITO, HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU BEEN WOOING?”

What would that even be? Kiimota? Kaiibo? Is this a ship with no crew? So many questions -

Oooh....! I’m actually really impressed! K1-b0′s been pretty cold in all of his FTE introductions towards Kokichi this chapter, but the fact that he wanted to give him another chance is pretty good! I feel like the spectrum of ‘willing to give Kokichi another chance’ vs ‘completely done with him’ sort of looks like this?

Kaito | K1-b0 - the most willing, which is sort of hilarious considering the position Kaito’s in. I’ll still stand by the comment I made about Kaito giving him an ‘out’ via that Gonta/breakdown comment, though.

Shuichi | Himiko - Shuichi is definitely not having it with him, but he’s also holding onto a bit of doubt - juuuust a bit. Himiko is similar, though she seems equally afraid as well as upset with him. ... Maybe a little farther to the right than Shuichi.

Tsumugi | Maki - Tsumugi was pretty much losing her mind over how terrifying and cruel Kokichi is and how he wants to see them all suffer and die, and Maki is literally bringing a hunting knife to the hangar and has choked him twice so, uh, positions are pretty obvious there.

“Without... trying to choke him? I... I don’t understand.... it just doesn’t seem possible...”

Aaaaw. I still think it was worth a shot, though! I’m surprised he didn’t shoot off any remarks to rile you up, but I guess he has bigger fish to fry now. 8′D

Hmm, okay. I guess I’ll hold onto that info for now.

Now the question is will the colour matter later, or are we just establishing that it was outside the hangar initially? For that matter, which one is missing? The red one?

Was it deactivated for its arrival?

The music is so intense going down to the hangar - but that name, ‘New Classmates of the Dead’ - not... exactly... ambiguous, huh.

ALRIGHT IT’S TIME TO GO THEN! I’m just going to have Shuichi walk leisurely from the cafeteria down to - oh who am I kidding, I have to make him run with this kind of music playing. 8′D

Definitely important but the games not going to let us linger on it too long so I guess we gotta move on. 8′/

Damn at the rate she’s going she’s going to chuck the bomb, grab Kaito and carry him out like a sack of potatoes over her shoulder!!

I highly doubt we’re going to need those two hours, unless that ends up being the window of time an incident happens in from this point on - t-though I feel like anything that will happen, has happened already. All the bodies that have dropped in this game have happened overnight... 8(

Ggggh they know how to build tension but come on damn it, come ON

i feel like I’m waiting outside a storage shed on an island far, far away from here, with a blood-red circle painted on the shutters...

Is Maki just incredibly wrapped up in the same dread I am or there something else going on??? Of all the people here, she should be raring to go.

Whoa, what?? That... wouldn’t be something like Monokuma’s claws or something, right?

INVESTIGATORS GONNA INVESTIGATE, MAN!

fuck I really don’t want to tbh

do I

.......

do I have to

Tsumugi that is the most hilarious battle cry I have ever heard please don’t change

K1-B0 DAMN YOU FOR SLIPPING THAT IN THERE

AH IT’S CUT OFF

NO

HERE COMES

THE GRAINY FOOTAGE

WHO

IS IT

ONE BY

ONE

BUT

WHO??????

I’M SORRY TSUMUGI I MISSED YOURS I’M TOO NERVOUS

WHAT IS IT WHAT’S IN FRONT OF YOU 

too much tension grrrk -

T-they’re frozen - frozen in place - and honestly, what a scene, just framed by the hangar’s shutter, light illuminating their backs, their shadows stretching forward -

OH

NO

NOOO

NO!!!!!!!

NOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO! NO! NO! NO NO NO NONONONOOONONOOONONO!!!!!

I..... I thought... I had prepared my heart for this moment....

but

I still

wasn’t..... ready...........

oh fuck they...... there’s nothing left........

Somehow... Shuichi is still standing? How?

Oh, wow. What an angle. Illuminated this time from the screen as Monokuma leers down at the scene, triumphant as if he hadn’t been MIA for days - as the last pillar of support Shuichi had crumbles before his eyes -

and meanwhile, that damn triumphant song plays in the background.

‘Voyage without Passion or Purpose’...  well, of course. They may have their purpose back now, but that passion?

That passion lies dead; crushed with Kaito.

[yeastofeden]

Hello! Your Traitor Uraraka theory was an amazing read! I want to dive into the world of character/story/literary analysis too, but I dont know where or how to start... Any advice/tips you could share?

Thanks so much! I’m honestly flattered you would ask… I’m ahobby writer so a lot of what I know about analysis is what I learnedin grade school, on my own, or adapted from what I know about artcriticism & analysis….. Since you’re not sure on the start,I’ll just talk about all the core things I feel helped me getinterested in this.

Read If I had torecommend anything specificfor reading, I’d say lookinto classic literature – not because its “critically acclaimed,”but because a lot of the time classic literature has been analyzed byprofessionals in their fields, so it can be a nice way to see howother people handle character interpretation, storytelling, worldbuilding, and so on. I liked Shakespeare a lot, and you probablywouldn’t be surprised to hear that people analyze the shit out ofShakespeare. I probably picked up the most of my understanding ofcharacter analysis from indulging in Shakespeare alone.

Don’t like Shakespeare? I’d say look into stories that are just over 50 years old; Lord ofthe Rings, Catcher in the Rye, Pride & Prejudice, Lord of theFlies…. So long as you can find actual scholars analyzing it,you’re golden. Read things you enjoy; if you like anime and only care about that…maybe check out textbooks on classic anime.

Alongwith looking up how others analyze, start being critical with all themedia you consume. Movies are a great way to do this because it’sshort format and easyconcumption. You can stayfocused on critical thinking for a couple of hours while enjoyingsomething–I also think movie reviews are a good way to experiencecritical analysis. And don’t just watch good movies… watch badones too, and figure out why they’re bad.

WriteActuallywrite. Take all the interesting things you learned and apply it tosomething. Don’t just think about it; the tragedy about onlythinking is that nothing really solidifies like it does once youfinally put it out there. Talkto friends about it if you can drag them into aconversation;a lot of my analysis started out because I was talking with otherpeople. If you don’t have anyone to talk to about a series or don’twant to bother people with your miscellaneous thoughts, get a sidetumblr or a dreamwidth and just write things there to get themdown–ifyou’reshy, just don’t tag things.Tbh, sometimes I just write things out and then delete them when I’mfinished just so I can get the thought out of me. Writing is just apowerful tool tohelp organize thoughts into cohesive opinions.

Butdon’t just write thoughts only… build on them. Write your owncharacters and stories just for fun. Write fanfiction. WriteAlternate Universes. Really just explore your own taste in fictionand the kind of things you yourself want to see. If there’s onevery easy thing I could suggest… take your favourite characters orship and slap them into story that already exists. I wrote one of myOTPs a few years ago into HasChristian Andersen’s theLittle Mermaid,andit was interesting andfuntrying to suit different characters into the roles of the story.

Writingand reading as a combination are just good things for you; they helpbuild competency with literature and language, andby just indulging in the two of these while remaining critical canjust naturally better your ability to read deeper into things.

ResearchAlongwith the earlier mentioned analyses that you should look into, it’sworth it to look into like extra resources. Check out interviews withyour favourite authors; look at like Ted Talks about creativity andwriting; read into tropes and motifs; find creative people you likeand follow their work and look for trends; lookinto writing concepts and themes.Storiesare just made up of patterns and once you start finding the patterns,you can start exploiting them. A Hero’s Journey is one of the mostfundamental patterns we can follow in storytelling, and with someabstract thinking we can start to predict the events that will occurin a story. A lot of my theory is built up on observing patterns.

IfI could point you toward one single video, it’s Kirby Ferguson’sTED talk “Embrace the Remix.” It talks about the idea thatnothing is original and all things are just remixed versions of eachother. This is part of why tropes exist;  you could go look attvtropes.org and hit random and start learning about these patternsright now. Granted, I don’t recommend using tropes as a foundationof an argument, but knowing tropes can help you connect the dotsbetween series.

IfI had to suggest any non-literary research that’s worth lookinginto….Check out psychology, art, and/or culture. Psychology is just morepatterns, I use Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs when I write andobserve survival horror. Art is another way to tell a story and isespecially useful when observing visual media. Culture can help youunderstand why people write the way they do, becausethere is a difference between Eastern and Western media andstorytelling trends.

“Personality sections”Alittle back story on me: pretty much all of thereading/writing/researching I do thesedaysis because I do a lot of text-based roleplay on Dreamwidth. I’vebeen doing this for about8 years.Overthe years, I’ve written out easilyover 30 “personality sections,” which are basically 500-2kcharacter summaries–for characters like Sakura from Naruto, Makotofrom Free, Jake English from Homestuck, and so many others–as apart of a way to “prove” that I understand the character I’mroleplaying whenjoining organized groups.I’ve also read literallyhundredsof these personality sections because I joined vetting teams forsaid organized groups, and have written many rejectionresponses to help people understand where they can improve.A lot of people I know hate writingthese personality sections… but I love them.

Youcould join RP and get a feel for it thesame wayI did, but that might not be your thing. But the process of writingthese “personality sections” wasbroken down to a science byroleplayers,and can be seen as a base form of character analysis. Wetalkedabout a character’s personality, what shaped them to be that way,and sometimes how that affected them in the future of their story.When I led a vetting team, these were the requirements I set:

Mustbe at least three paragraphs long for minor characters, fiveparagraphs long for main characters. Players should be able to conveya good understanding of their characters, but just describing apersonality isn’t enough. Make sure that when you explain aparticular attitude that you back yourself up with some canon proof,otherwise mods have to wonder where you are getting this informationregardless of our knowledge of canon. Be sure to explain clearly andconcisely, organizing your paragraphs so related subjects aretogether. Avoid explaining the personality in such a way that itreads like a history section - generally this is determined byunnecessary use of chronological order.

Andthese are the same guidelines I hold myself to when I work on my ownpersonality sections. Some people have broken down personalitysections in such a way that they are formatted “three positivetraits, three negative traits” withsome variance.Some like to talk about important relationships aswell.I always defend that personality should be backed up with actualcanon evidence. “Uraraka is kind,” I could say, but I should backit up with an instance where she showed kindness, such as when shesaved Midoriya from tripping when they first meet.

TheorizingIfI’m honest, I don’t much like theorizing. I like to read theoriesand I like to think about things, but I’m not actually partial totrying to predict the future of a series because I feel likeserialized stories are too choppy to be worth my time, and there’snot much sense trying to predict the future of a story that’sfinished. I’m more inclined toward theorizing about the past, orwhat’s already happened but wasn’t explained.

Mydisinterest in theorizing kind of shows….I’ve only written twotheories for Tumblr–Urarakais the Traitor (My Hero Academia), and Both Shiros are the Clone(Voltron). I think I ended up being right about the second one butI’m not sure where the interview isthatproves it, justthat it was SDCC stuff.Thereason I’ve written any theories at all is because I personally wasmotivated by frustration–I didn’t know why people weren’ttalking about these things. SoI made a post to try to get people to talk. BeforeI posted my theory, no one would have looked twice at Uraraka andthat drove me nuts.Now I’ve made a following strong enough that Uraraka seems to beone of the highest contenders in terms of just… gossip. Which,thanks guys. I’m floored.

So…. Myadvice would be to pick a subject you think should be talked aboutand go for it. Do the research. Canon-review. Takenotes. Search for patterns outside what you’re trying to analyze.Writeand rewrite and rewrite again, becauseanalyzing is basically high school but fun.

And…lastly…. Prepare to be wrong. You have a different sense ofstorytelling than anyone else. I have been bitten right in the assbecause I viewed and loved many-a character because I saw them theway I wanted to, and the author clearly did not share my views.And people might not like your theory; people might super hate iteven, and that’s not such a big deal. In the end it’s just fiction and we’re all just here to enjoy a story we love.

I…know that’s a lot, but Ihope it was at least helpful information! Ithink in the end the most important part is just to be critical andremain open-minded. Never stop learning. Choose your battles. Write about what you love.And don’t worry so much about being wrong. 

[blu-b]

Trying again to post my Ragnarok blabbering....

Let’s try and see if tumblr still thinks it has too many paragraphs. If so, I shall split it into two. Reminder that this is just me spewing out everything that bothers me because I actually have so desperately few Thor(ki) pals on tumblr that I'm basically jumping on any opportunity to actually talk to someone about it. Which is why you precious few who commented are now getting the full broadside of my entire jumbled misery. I apologize in advance. You really don't have to read all of it. I’m also not looking for a grand discussion or anything. I just need to get it out of my system.  

​I respect that there are people who liked the movie, and I don't mean to spoil it for anyone else, so what I'm going to say here is all just a very personal, subjective impression that is by no means anything else but an opinion. Also I feel kind of stupid because the film has been out for a year and...yeah well.

On we go.

upstartpoodle replied to your post “I’ve finally seen Thor: Ragnarok (yes yes, I’m late to the party, I...”

I haven't seen it since I knew from the various spoilers I've seen that it wasn't really my cup of tea, so I can't really comment about the film as a whole, but I've seen a lot of complaints from other people about inconsistent characterisation, too many jokes, dropping the ball on plot points established in the previous films, etc. There's an increasingly long post that keeps cropping up on my dash about it. 

calicoskatts replied to your post

I enjoyed it but for me it was jsut another entertaining movie from Marvel but nothing particularly interesting. I thought I was watching Guardians of the Asgardians personally. I’ve been put off from Marvel over the last bit tbh, so maybe that’s why? Like I said, I enjoyed it but I wasn’t wowed or anything.

nelioe replied to your post

*raises hand* I agree, I too thought the movie was awful

miusmius replied to your post

I honestly loved it!

hiko73 replied to your post

What? The movie was amazing from beginning to end, imho....I feel at a loss why you hated it so much.

So, before I say anything, I need to explain that I basically knew the film's plot from gifs and Youtube clips before I watched the DVD, although I didn't know all of it. I already thought some of the scenes sucked big time from the snippets I had seen (Get help, the obedience disk), but actually there were a few that I thought were bad and that turned out rather good in the movie. I’ll come to those in a minute.

So, I think seeing the movie in its entirety for the first time was what did me in. Really, my brain hurt after the end credits rolled off the screen, and I felt like brainwashed. I mean, I knew it was different, and loud, and colourful, and that’s not what I’m having a problem with. It’s rather…a conglomerate of things that just rub me the wrong way.

I’m not mentioning the inconsistent characterisation and the many loose threads that never get cleared up sufficiently (an entire fandom has been waiting for an explanation of how Loki survived Svartalfheim! I had expected it to be a major plot point early in Ragnarok, but it wasn’t even mentioned apart from ‘I thought you were dead’. Well yes, thanks Thor, me too. I’d like to know how he managed not to be dead!).

I’ll also not mention obvious plotholes because well, it’s Marvel we’re talking about, so things like that are expected, and I’ll neither mention obvious flaws on the technical side (too many rapid cuts, weird camera angles or frames) because artistic liberty and all. What does get on my nerves is how almost any serious scene is broken up by something ‘funny’. No two characters can have a quiet talk for two seconds before some joke is cracked that does or does not fit the situation. It’s…tiresome. Especially since most of the jokes aren’t really funny.

​Here's a thing: a have a weird humour, I Hate comedy with a capital H, and I despise nothing more than random comedic slapstick elements in an otherwise serious film. Why for heaven's sake can no one make a serious movie anymore? Argh. This film is literally titled "The end of the world" and yet there's a joke at every corner, and no it isn't a black-humoured jab at fate, it's the kind of knee-slapper that's only funny for half the time it takes, and not again afterwards. It makes me angry. Comedy has to be precise and on-point to work. There's a lot of well-placed comedy in the previous Thors and the Avengers; comedic elements that are funny even when you watch the scene a second and a third time. Now, Taika Waititi takes comedy to an entirely new level that isn't necessarily one I like. I also need to say that although I don't know him personally, he comes across as a very taxing person, taxing in a sense that his constant good spirits and giddiness and sort of bouncy energy would definitely wear out my social batteries if I had to be around him all the time. It wore out Tom Hiddleston's, as we can see in several behind the scenes footages where Taika takes to fooling around in front of the camera while poor Tom would just like to get on with his work.

​Anyway, back to the movie. Of the major things that rub me wrong is that it does have a very problematic attitude towards violence.

​It is rated for a viewing age 12 and up in my country, but I sure as hell would not let my children watch it. There are scenes that come down to nothing but random violence for…well, not even the sake of anything. Hela just skewering Fandral and Volstagg like that? What for? If it’s meant to establish an emotional connection and show just how dangerous Hela is, it fails spectacularly, because it is not given enough time, or enough emotional room. It’s just ZAP and they’re dead; if you don’t look closely you don’t even realise it’s them because they've never had a moment to being reintroduced. Half of the audience has probably already forgotten who they were.The scene with Hogun is gruesome as is the slaughtering of an entire army, and it does nothing whatsoever in terms of significance. Later on, we see many other characters just resorting to brainless mass shootings and seemingly enjoying the heck out of it. Valkyrie, Skurge, you name them. There's a very problematic message in having a character stumble off an enormous spaceship, having them fall off the gangway drunk because it looks cool, and then proceed to mow down a bunch of innocent and mostly unarmed scrappers on a trash planet.

​Now, I don’t have a problem with violence in general. I just don’t like the way it is presented here.

There were a few scenes that were actually good. 

Thor and Dr. Strange for example, even though the plot could easily have done without that sideline, and Benedict Cumberbatch is also only pouring 50% of his effort into his performance - still, it’s solid, classy acting. ​

​The scenes between Thor and Loki on Midgard in the very beginning stand out because both Hemsworth and Hiddleston are given enough time to actually act out their characters' emotions without being interrupted by a joke. I really liked the dynamics here and I wish the film would have picked up on that course.

Some of Hela’s scenes where a little background on her character is revealed were good as well, but overall I thought Cate Blanchett was alternating between gross overacting and doing minimal duty as per contract. It would have been nice to have her on screen some more, and learn a bit more about her past and her motivation. Revenge for being imprisoned by Odin? Sounds familiar. Hela, darling, how about a little talk about that with Loki over tea and biscuits? I'm sure the two of you could have shared some experience. (Also major kudos to Loki for NOT tearing into Odin like "Aha, so throwing your kids into a cell seems to be your standard educational measure, dad.")

​Anthony Hopkins was awful. He has never been good in any of the previous films, one of my main reasons for my major dislike of Odin, and I don't know if he's getting senile or what, he just was really really bad in this one. It only adds to the awful characterisation of Odin altogether. The last straw was his dealing with the Hela situation: "There's this threat that is coming for Asgard, born of one of my own mistakes, there's nothing you can do about it and I don't give a shit so bye and good luck, I guess." Good thing he disappeared, or I would personally have crawled into the TV and shoved the old man off the cliff.

​So, what little else I liked was actually any scenes with Heimdall - I wasn’t a big fan of Heimdall, ever, but he seriously kicks ass here, not only because of superb acting on Idris Elba's part but also because his scenes aren’t interrupted by hectic cuts or off the mark jokes.

​Surprisingly, Skurge’s story arc was interesting as well. Now, I don’t like Karl Urban - you've probably figured out by now that there isn't an awful lot of people that I like. Basically I think his character is rather unnecessary - why not use one of the established characters? Why not let Fandral or Hogun be torn between right and wrong? Anyway, Karl does play him well and I see why a character like that would be in there (his death though? More random, unnecessary violence).

​Bruce Banner / The Hulk really went on my nerves the entire time. The fight between he and Thor is well choreographed, but the entire sequence is too long *yawns* Some of the stuff with Thor in Hulk’s room is actually funny, but that was that. 

​And then Loki. Please prepare yourself for a rant of epic proportions.

Now, I do admit I'm biased because I love Loki; I've loved him in Norse mythology ever since I was a child. I went to study Old Norse for a bit mainly because of the Edda and Loki, and I love what Hiddleston has done with the character in these films. I also get that this is Thor: Ragnarok and not Loki: Ragnarok and that he is a supporting character just like all the others.

​That said, in the few scenes that he actually has - you don't really need Loki for what he does. Any random side character could have stolen the ship's codes, or placed Surtur's crown in the flame. That last bit was a bow to the original myth (and the comics, I suppose) where it's really Loki who releases Surtur and causes Ragnarök (which is why I -love- the 'saviour' scene because it's a reference to Loki arriving at the scene of the final battle at the helm of the ship of the dead, called Naglfar, in Norse myth). But - in the film, all in all, you don't really need Loki for all that. Valkyrie could have done it, or Heimdall, or Skurge for that matter (what a heroic plot that would have made for him!).

​And there's more to it than just lamentably little of Loki in this film. The entire film, to me, seems like a deliberate attempt to ban Loki to the background, give him as little screentime as possible, and make him look ridiculous altogether. Not only is his character basically replaceable in what he does, no - 

(I've seen quite a lot of the BTS stuff in advance, so this plays into it as well.)

Let's start with the small things:

- There's hardly any close-ups of Loki in the entire film, Norway being the one great exception (consequently, he rocks the scene).You can always see him do something in the background, but the camera is never close enough to pick up clearly on any emotions or anything. Best example is the sofa scene at the Grandmasters'. If that was shown correctly, you would be able to read the entire course of the fight from Loki's face - there's glee, there's worry, there's schadenfreude, there's hope and admiration and anger and frustration and everything you can possibly imagine he goes through, but we are shown only mushed images of it. The entire dragging long battle between Hulk and Thor would have been way more interesting if more of Loki's facial expressions had been cut into it.

- Basically all he's good for is delivering cues for Thor and being there as a projection screen for Thor's heroism.

- The camera always seems slightly out of focus; Loki is there but he's not, somewhere at the back or to the side. Even when he's meant to be in the picture, the camera frame is just this little bit out of focus or he's being filmed at a weird angle.

- Weird angles. It's a signature thing for Loki in this film. He's being filmed from behind, above, below - now don't get me wrong, it's a very interesting artistic device - and the scene where he appears before the grandmaster, filmed through the transparent floor is a masterpiece in terms of camera angle - but when it's 80% of these frames and the rest is 15% hovering in the background and 5% good, clear close-ups, it conveys a message about the filmmaker's attitude towards this character - and in Loki's case, this message is not doing him any favours. 

​- More weird stuff: time frames. As I said above, you only ever see Loki doing unimportant stuff. Sitting around talking to the Grandmaster's cronies, getting "captured" on purpose, trying to get through to Thor. We don't see him doing any kind of stiff like Thor does, nothing "heroic", we don't even see him do any significant amount of magic. The only heroic moment he has, at the very end, is again botched by off-kilter dialogue ("I'm not doing get help" just sounds soooo out of place at this moment) and weird framing. Like, Thor gets all these super-cool, physical fighting scenes, full-on frontal, kicking and punching the shit out of everyone. Again, I get that this is Thor: Ragnarok, and we also have the Hulk and Valkyrie who need their hero moments. But we do know that Loki is just as good a fighter as everyone else, he fights differently, but he's very capable of defending himself and others, as seen in Dark World. In Ragnarok, he's right there in the middle of the fight, but you never see him do anything. You see him close in on someone, cut, then you see him pull out a knife of a body or juggle his helmet or whatever, but never any real action that proves how capable he is as a fighter, not like Thor gets them all the time. You see him jump, and roll, and fall on his ass, or doing a pirouette and tossing his hair back afterwards. The focus is not on him doing his share of defending Asgard, but on how he's a weak and pathetic fighter (this post explains it with great visuals). The thing is, somewhat heroic  moments  have been filmed, but have been left out in favour of more ‘funny’ sequences.

- Talking about ridiculousness: There's a total of seven scenes where Loki falls on his ass, his face, or is somehow on the ground for some reason when it's totally not necessary. In comparison, in Dark World and Avengers, he was only ever on the ground when either defeated, or due to battle  action, not just for shit and giggles.

The one at Dr Strange actually makes me wince from the sheer impact with which he hits the floor, bouncing back two feet high in the air (can’t find the gif right now, but he does), and everyone in the cinema laughs. Actually laughs, like this is some funny one-liner. Someone's dropping from the sky and hitting the floor real hard and y'all laugh? Like no, this ain't funny at all, not to me.

​- What are these scenes actually good for? Why did the previous films set him up as a master magician who - as even Dr Strange says - is a force to be reckoned with, when everyone can just shove him to the ground like that? Why is nearly everyone suddenly more powerful than him?

- Shitty lines/shitty scenes: 'Safe passage through the anus'. Boy, it makes me cringe for poor Tom who actually had to say this shit out loud, or play stuff like the (thankfully deleted) portaloo sequence. Like, wow. I mean, I know I have a different type of humour from nearly everybody else, but this shit is just so not funny, and I really hate Taika Waititi for even including such lines and scenes in the script. I mean, I get that he favours Thor over Loki, but was that really necessary? It's so cringeworthy it makes my teeth hurt.

- (On a minor sidenote, can we talk about how it also speaks volumes that Hiddleston was given a costume that he can barely move in and that makes him visibly uncomfortable, yet no one gives a shit?)

To sum it up, I don't like how Ragnarok treats the character of Loki and ignores all of his potential in favour of cheap jokes. It says a lot if a script needs to make fun of one character in order to let its main character appear in a better light. Taika talks about how Thor's and Loki's relationship is at the focus of the film and how they finally get to resolve their problems. I'm sorry, but I don't see any of that. I don't see any brotherly moments or reconciliation or at least an attempt to make things right. And that brings me to the one character that I have the biggest problem with: Thor.

​Now, the general consensus was that Thor grows, he learns, he takes up responsibility, he has this great character development that makes him into a better man. I don't see that. What I see is a man who uses and abuses everyone in his path to achieve his own ends. He thinks he can command Valkyrie by repeatedly reminding her of her oath to the throne (the throne being a very prominent motivation for Thor, as we shall see) even when she's made clear that she gives a shit. When that doesn't work, he keeps trying to guilt-trip her, and when that doesn't work either, he fakes concern to get her attention, and once he has it, he cruelly pushes all the buttons that he knows will make her yield (basically telling her: you can either forget everything and rot on this planet, or you can do something about it and help me).

​He manipulates Banner in the same way because he needs the Hulk for his Asgard mission. I mean, telling Bruce he prefers him over Hulk, and telling Hulk he prefers him over Bruce - I get that it's meant to be funny, but when you think about it, it isn't. It's manipulative as heck and it's exactly the kind of shit he always accused Loki of: lying to get his way.

And when it comes to Thor's interactions with Loki,  he has not learned a single thing. He still treats Loki the way he always did: a scapegoat at worst, a convenience at best. In Norway, after Odin departs, Thor doesn’t hesitate to immediately accuse Loki of both Odin’s death and bringing about Hela as a consequence - as if Loki had any inkling that this was gonna happen. He wouldn’t be so stupid as to bring destruction to Asgard on purpose, remember it’s the only home he ever truly knew, so even if he did let things slip while posing as Odin, he surely never meant for Hela and Ragnarok to happen. He was just as surprised about the Hela revelation that Thor was, and as for Odin’s death - I doubt that this was intended. Especially since we still don’t know xactly how Loki got rid of Odin, but if he’d wanted to kill him, he could certainly have done so while Odin was weak and defenseless, but he didn’t - he just wanted him out of the way, not dead. Yet Thor completely assumes Loki is to blame for all of it, and as a consequence he falls back into his abusive treatment of his brother.

Yes, all I see is an abusive sibling who purposefully manipulates his mentally unstable younger brother. He knows what Loki has been through in the past; moreover, he has heard from Odin himself just how everyone in this family was played and lied to. He has seen what that did to Loki in the past. Thor knows exactly what's at the core of his brother's mind: the ambition to gain his family's approval, a fear of being abandoned, a deep-rooted sense of worthlessness and the ever-prominent desire to impress his older brother. Of course Loki sucks at saying all this out loud, and Thor probably doesn't know the full extent of the damage, but after the events of Avengers and Dark World he must at least have an inkling of what's going on inside that mind. 

​And yet he goes ahead and uses all of Loki's greatest fears against him:

"Our paths diverged a long time ago" - no they didn't, he just never let Loki catch up to him.

"It's what you always wanted" (never seeing each other again) - have you even paid attention to your brother, you big fool?

"But you, you stay the same", "you could be so much more" etc. - and being what, exactly? Thor's thrall, tagging along behind him, helping out when shit hits the fan, and otherwise keeping his mouth shut? To Thor, Loki is only acceptable when he behaves like Thor wants him to. He fails to see that it's Loki who's forced to change more than anyone else. He was forced to change almost first thing after being born, from a Jötun baby to an Aesir one just to please his new father. He's constantly forced to change to adapt to everyone's expectations: Odin's, Frigga's, Thor's own. And when he refuses to play along, he's the one at fault.

​There are two scenes in Ragnarok in particular that I find hard to watch in respect of Thor's abusive qualities. First, the elevator scene /Get Help.

​Loki tells Thor no three times, he even gives him a reason why he doesn't want to do Get Help (which, considering Loki and his difficulties to express emotion, to Thor no less, is a big deal). I don’t know about y’all, but if my sibling told me they found something humiliating, which is several steps up the uncomfortable scale from "I just don't like it", I would never force them into it. Thor has to respect his brother's feelings and stop right there. A no is a no, even from Loki, even in this situation, especially considering how the entire move is nonsense after all - but Thor doesn't stop. He disrespects his brother's wishes, he ignores Loki's feelings, and what's worse, he even belittles him for it and laughs it off: No, for me it's not.

​Yes, well, Thor baby, guess what? It's not always about you.

Even worse is the taser/obedience disk scene. It makes me physically cringe. And I will happily fist-punch everyone who tries to tell me it's just "a joke" or "friendly sibling barter" or wasn't "meant to hurt Loki" or that Thor "didn't know". I'm sorry, but nope.

​Thor knows exactly what the obedience disc does, how it hurts. He has absolutely NO reason to use it on Loki. Loki has been playing along to his plans, he has even tried to offer Thor an explanation and a possible way out, but at that time Thor decided to throw a tantrum and sulk. Did he really think Loki would go through with that half-arsed attempt of collecting the 'reward' for Thor's capture from the Grandmaster, when just some hours before Loki has told Thor that he Grandmaster is a lunatic and that he basically wants to leave Sakaar just as bad as Thor does? Did Thor even listen??? Not to mention that there never was a 'reward' promised by the Grandmaster; instead a threat of public execution looms over Loki if he fails, so the reward he speaks of is possibly, once again, getting away with his life (while using the time this buys him to come up with a means of escape).

​There was no reason at all to place the taser disc on Loki and leave him there - besides, Thor must have planned to use the disk even before he could be sure Loki was going to betray him, so it was Thor's plan all along to leave his brother there for whatever sick reason. How could he be so sure Loki would find a way to free himself? How could he be sure the rebels would be the ones to find Loki, and not the Grandmaster, or Topaz, or any of the hundreds of guards that swarm the place? Not to mention that time passes differently on Sakaar, so who knows how long Loki lay there writhing in agony. Thor walking off telling him "Good luck, I guess" while his brother is in obvious physical pain, and at the mercy of a crazy dictator, is the ultimate cruelty. But the throne is always more important, eh?

​How could Thor be sure Loki would follow him to Asgard and come to his aid? Seriously, Loki could just have taken that ship and flown to the other end of the universe for all he cared. He's the only Asgardian on a ship full of refugees, he has no reason at all to help Thor, not after the taser disc and the general way Thor treated him, and YET he comes after his big brother because he desperately seeks Thor's approval, and Thor knew that and manipulated his brother into exactly this behaviour back there in the elevator.

​And does Loki get a thank you? Not even! All he gets is a flippant "You're late" (everyone who tells me that's 'friendly sibling banter' again must have a truly fucked up relationship with their sibling), and then he's being ordered off to the vault to basically perform an act that could cost his life, without Thor even wasting a second thought to it. Well, we've already seen in Dark World how little Thor cares for Loki, as he just leaves his dead little brother behind to rot on a foreign planet. Doesn't even send anyone to come and collect the body or something. Doesn't even seem to care in Ragnarok whether Loki has made it out of Asgard alive or not (does he check frantically if his brother is aboard as they float off into space? No...but hey look, there's a throne, and people call him majesty, so all is grand).

​Not even the "I'm here" scene does anything for their relationship. How often does Loki have to prove that he will sacrifice himself for Thor, and how often does he get nothing in return but accusations ("You faked your death!", "You killed our father!"), dubious compliments ("Maybe there's some good left in you") or at the most Thor throwing him a bone of approval: "Maybe you're not so bad after all" instead of "Thanks for saving our arses".

​So, is this 'growing'? Is this 'mature'? Has Thor learned one single thing that makes him a better character? I don't think so. He takes up right where his father left, caring only for his throne, and manipulating his brother just the way Odin has always done. Yes, he became a little less uptight, and yes there's the new Thor who's sassy, nonchalant, doesn't give a fuck, doesn't let himself be played by his brother's schemes. I love the way Chris Hemsworth is playing this new Thor as opposed to the previous films. It's fun to watch him finally fill this role with a bit of spice. I really really like this new Thor. The problem is, I like how the new Thor is, but not what he does.

​All in all, I think what happened was that Taika and Chris Hemsworth decided it was time to put the focus on Thor and make his character the center of the plot - which is fine, with it being Thor: Ragnarok and all, but why does it have to be at the expense of another great character that could have been used in so many other, different, better ways for the plot? I think they tried deliberately to shift a bit of Loki's coolness and cunning to Thor who, let's face it, has been a rather one-dimensional character in the previous films.

​What I'm going to say now is unpopular, and probably mean, but it's the vibe I'm getting from day one since I started watching any Thor movies and BTS and interviews: All of this ties in nicely with Chris Hemsworth coming across as borderline jealous of Hiddleston and the success he gained for his portrayal of the Loki character, who was never supposed to steal Thor's spotlight. It's a shame Taika Waititi rolled with it in Ragnarok and actively added to this fiasco by way of bad filmmaking.

​On a final personal note: Just yesterday before watching the film I wrote a little scene post-Ragnarok where Thor finally gets to understand everything that bothers Loki, and finds a way to comfort his brother in a very gentle, caring way, because that was what I understood Thor had finally learned: true compassion, the ability to understand, the motivation to go and make up for every time he was a shitty sibling in the past. I can't see that now, not anymore after watching this film, not after what Thor has been made into and how he treats Loki :(

I'm sorry this got so long. I'll disappear for a while now and see if I can manage to un-watch this movie. Thanks for reading/listening.

[kpep]

FRIENDS TO LOVERS AU ♥ NAMJOON

Similar: Jin Yoongi Hoseok Jimin Taehyung Jungkook

Masterlist

Namjoon

the reason you and namjoon knew each other was rlly bc of a failed group study session you had,,,,,,,,,

it isn't like you're failing half of your classes

but you aren't doing well in them either,,,,,,,,,

so your friends thought of dragging you in the library one afternoon to "study"

but they all end up leaving you bc reading's "too boring" or the lesson's "too hard"

they try to convince you to go to a bar instead

alcohol fixes everything, they say

but you know you have to get your shit together if you want to graduate on time,,,,,,,,

so you're left alone to worry about your grades and this topic you still don't understand no matter how many times ppl explain it to you????????????

"is there something wrong?" a voice asks, and you see namjoon, literally at the same table you're sitting at

he lowers his sci-fi novel to look at you curiously, wondering why in the world you've been sighing and muttering for the past ten minutes

you laugh awkwardly, feeling embarrassed,,,,,,,,,,,

you didn't even notice kim namjoon, the top student of your batch, there????????????????

your test papers, with displeasing scores, are sprawled all over the table and you scramble to keep them away from his wandering eyes

"i didn't mean to–i'm sorry,,,,,,,,, i-i was just,,,,,,, sorry,,,,,,,,," you stuttered over your words, flustered at the thought that he saw how horrible you were at everything he found as easy as pie

"it's fine!!!" he shakes his head, closing his book and moving three chairs to where he was previously at to be able to sit across you,,,,,,,, "[y/n], right? you sit in front of me in our literature class!”

you gulp,,,,,,,,, that’s literally the bane of your existence and the main reason for your suffering this semester,,,,,,,,,,,

and you don’t know if you’re lucky bc namjoon literally knew everything in that class or you’re unlucky for the exact same reason

“do you need any help? i didn’t mean to, but i saw your uh,,,,,,,” he purses his lips, averting his gaze, so he isn’t looking in your eyes and doesn’t say a word

your world stops and you even think you get dizzy bc he saw your papers, meaning he even saw your scores??????

kim namjoon………. saw your grades……………

“yes,,,,,,,, please,,,,,,,,” you admit defeat and hang your head low in embarrassment

of all the people you could have sat beside, it had to be namjoon, who could easily recite any paragraph from your books in class word per word and interpret even the hardest of passages into simple yet complex ideas

“it isn’t that ba–uh,,,,,,,, i’m sorry for seeing it,,,,,,,,, i could leave if you want?????? i honestly didn’t mean to see it i swear but i can help if you want me to but you probably don’t want me to???????? i’m blabbering maybe i should go,,,,,,,,,” he stands up and starts to gather his things in a rush

"no, p-please???" you blurt out, grabbing his hand all of a sudden and fighting the urge to just run the hell out of there from shame

you couldn't survive this semester without help, and that's one thing you're sure of...... maybe it's high-time for you to start asking instead of complaining,,,,,,,,

he grins, returning your gesture with a squeeze as he places his stuff down with his free hand. "all right!"

and so that started your almost-daily tutoring with namjoon

to say that you were being pampered was a complete understatement

namjoon was literally prepared for every single meeting you had together–he had notes in a separate notebook for you?????????? he gave you reviewers?????????? he made you sample exams???????? and everything's handwritten,,,,,,,,,,,

you asked him why he did so much once, amidst your struggle in answering a number on his self-made test

he beams, his dimples making an appearance, which causes you to look back down at your paper to stop distracting yourself with something as simple as his smile………

he then hums, thinking of an answer, and finally says, “i’m not sure myself.” he chuckles and a rustle of pages signals you that he’s back to his own wonderland,,,,,,,,

you don’t want to lie but…………. you want to think that it’s the same reason you put up with your little study meet-ups, which your friends corrected you to be study dates

although you would deny it profusely, you couldn't help but think that maybe these are dates,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

what’s your reason? your little crush on him,,,,,,,,,,,,

it was sudden tbh

before you knew what was happening, you stared at him more often, you got excited whenever he messages you about a book he’s reading or just to ask how you are, and you just wanted to get to know him better???????

you always thought that he was naturally brilliant–and envied him for it

he seemed like the type who didn’t need to study to get good grades, who had the world at his feet, and who thought life was just as easy as counting from one to three

but you were wrong

namjoon’s the type of guy who worked hard for every little thing, be it for school, for his family, for himself……. for you

not a single erasure was in place in his color-coded notes, not a single word was unexplained in every reviewer he gave you, and not a single complaint was directed at you no matter how much you knew how frustrating it was to be teaching you simple concepts

he spent sleepless nights to get where he is right now and he deserved every bit of recognition he could get

you concluded life truly wasn’t easy,,,,,, being kim namjoon,,,,,,

the least you could do now is work at least half as hard as he did bc you wanted to make him proud,,,,,,,,,,, and you knew you were capable of good things if you put effort in it–just like him

so the moment your professor started handing out the exam results in literature,,,,,,,,,,, you were nervous as hell

as expected, namjoon had gotten a 100% which only made you even more worried……….

it wasn’t as hard as before, but you were so sure you had accumulated a number of mistakes and you were convinced that you were letting him down today

an 86% mark on your paper a few minutes later and you blank out, even as the rest of your class is getting out of the door

you’re just in your seat in a daze,,,,,,,

you got an 86????????????????????

a gasp from behind you brings you back to reality and you can hardly observe your surroundings as your vision is filled with darkness

namjoon hugs you tightly, repeating the words “you did it!!!!!!!!!!!” over and over again

you couldn’t help but return his embrace, bringing his bent-over body closer to you as you clutch his sweater

as if he realizes what he just did, he pulls away quick, a blush tinting his cheeks,,,,,,,,, “yah, i’m sorry,,,,,,,,,, i didn’t mean to,,,,,,,,,,,,, i was just so happy for you that i couldn’t help bu–”

“this is all thanks to you, joon!!!!!!!” you cut him off, not even fully registering the hug you just shared with him

he smiles fondly at the nickname, making your heart beat more than necessary,,,,,,,,,, “you did it on your own, [y/n]! i did nothing, really……… you never needed a tutor in the first place…….”

there’s something about the way he says the last part,,,,,,,,,, maybe bc you’ve observed him too much in your time together that you know when something’s off

“i guess you can finally be free from the library!” he jokes, but his laugh is dry

“um,,,,,,,,, can–can we still meet?” you shyly ask, clutching your test paper near your chest and looking down at his feet,,,,,,,,,,,,, god, what the heck were you doing??????????

“yes! uh,,,,,,,, i mean,,,,,,,,,, if you want to,,,,,,,,,,,, in the library??????”

maybe your friends were right, after all……..

maybe these were what they called study dates…………

admin val

[sootonthecarpet]

if it's not too much trouble to answer, can I ask what's been the going on with doctor who that's bad? I've seen little bits of it when my parents watch it in the other room but not enough to really get a good sense of it?

heyyy sorry to keep ya waiting on this. i tried to keep this as short as i could, but it’s about five paragraphs long, sorry. it’s not in any way a comprehensive list of problems with the last few seasons, just a quick tour of the moments i shouldve let be my ‘i can’t keep watching after this’ point. i wanted to write it objectively but i got pretty aggro, bc this show that in some part i genuinely adore has been producing unforgivably bigoted content. (it’s kinda a ship of theseus situation, except where the parts of the ship were replaced with worse, shittier, fake-woke parts.) i ask ppl to avoid reblogging this, because i don’t want my words to contribute in any way to online buzz surrounding this show or make anyone want to see it, even if ONLY to hatewatch or criticize.

content warning for misogynoir/antiblackness, racism, bury ur gays, some shit with nazi germany (yeah lol) and just the slightest kiss of antisemitism.

(edit: i seem to be having some problems with the read more cut. it’s there on dash view and when i edit the post, but doesn’t show on some instances of my blog. i can’t fix this but gksfkgls. wanted to at least be overt that i wouldn’t post this kinda long ranty stuff without a cut.)

in the last season where peter capaldi was the doctor, two seasons ago now, he had a new companion, Bill. she was a black lesbian and literally the only reason i started watching doctor who again. i loved her, and i was really glad to see the show moving back towards the more diverse cast of characters that we saw in the late aughts. then the season had a repeated theme of FORCING her to either repress or not feel her emotions. there are two scenes that stand out most to me. in an ep set in like, early 19th century london, she and the doctor are talking to a racist rich white dude who is being super nasty to Bill. the doctor keeps telling her to cool it and not show how angry she is. then HE gets to punch the guy out and knock him to the floor.

this theme of the white man being the only one allowed to get angry was big all season, iirc. then at the end of the season, Bill is turned into a cyberman. they’re usually like. soulless scary automatons, but some characters keep their individuality, which has been explored in a few past seasons, usually leading up to a tragic/heroic death. in Bill’s case, they did this trick with filming where we could see her perspective of herself in some shots–an intensely emotional performance, Bill was completely traumatized and her actress was working her ass off–and in others, just this metal body incapable of expression, scaring people like she was a monster and monotoning these otherwise very emotional statements. it’s an interesting narrative device, but after a whole season of this show putting Bill through all kinds of terrible shit and forcing her not to show her feelings on the matter, it hit me as like. this nauseating exaggeration of how society treats actual black lesbians as monsters and tries to make them bottle up their emotions and especially their justifiable anger. anyway, then Bill died and got to be with her dead girlfriend from her first episode. wow, cool.

idk what made me watch the season after that. i guess i wanted to see the new doctor, and i liked her companions (one was like. a young man with disabling neurological symptoms, tbh even if i’d missed Bill’s season that might have had me back on board). i had plenty of problems with how the season played out, obvs, but nothing was standout horrible to me the way the shit with Bill had been (except maybe the episode that started out like ‘space amazon is a hellhole’ and somehow ended with ‘space amazon was taken advantage of by a broken AI that hurt some people and they didnt fix the infrastructure we explicitly showed harmed their workers but now it’s fine!’ if that sounds weird and heavy handed with an unsatisfying ending, it’s because it was). the new season tho? the OPENING EPISODES OF THE NEW SEASON, THO? it opens with alexa product placement, in an episode about how a fictionalized google was actually run by a black man who had ties to a large number of aliens who had secretly infiltrated our society, altered our dna, and shit like that. so uh, 1. brand war lmao, sellouts etc etc 2. y’all remember those conspiracy theories about jews? and white supremacist beliefs that black people are ruining the world but aren’t smart enough to do it on their own so they must be agents of jewish corruption? HUH. HUH! that’s not even my big problem with the fuckin thing, but it’s FOR SURE a suspicious writing move from a tv show with suuuuch a huge viewership. (and it’s just plain embarrassing for a show with alexa product placement to try to go all scary panopticon tropes specifically @ a google analogue.)

anyway, we run into an old recurring antagonist, the master, a time lord like the doctor. he’s a guy again after having been a woman for a few seasons, and now played by an actor of color. i figure the reasoning at least partly relied on “dude, how fucked up will it be if we force the doctor’s black friend to call a white dude master” but i was immediately afraid it might go to the like…. Righteous White Woman Gets The Better Of Evil Brown Man tropes and oh boy!!!! i tried to be good and give it the benefit of the doubt until i saw something racist but it wasted no time. the doctor got stuck in the past at one point, and met the master, who was currently a military official with the third reich. oh boy. so she asks him why they let him work with them and he explains he’s using a device to psychically disguise himself, they see him as white. (we missed a great chance for him to monologue about how they were willing to bend their morals when they saw how evil he could get or something.) this was awkward enough for me as a viewer, but i wasn’t prepared to go into it, in case there was some tiny shred of nuance somewhere that would make this situation anything but a clusterfuck.

well, the doctor executes a genuinely clever scheme and makes a radio transmission to the brits that she knows won’t reach em, talking about how helpful this officer has been–setting up the master to be falsely outed as a double agent when the nazis intercept it. she tells the master this and then skedaddles, letting him be arrested by his own men. could be a satisfying karmic victory where he presumably gets a military trial and weasels out of his fate, although i don’t like the implications of a white woman punishing a brown man for racism. BUT IT DIDN’T STOP THERE! she disables his psychic filter, causing his men to see his true identity as a man of color–she exposes her oldest frenemy and Basically The Only Time Lord Who’ll Talk To Her to nazi racism when he was ALREADY about to fall into their hands as a prisoner. what could have been a marginally satisfying defeat was instead a kind of emotional horrorshow for me as i had to stop and wonder what kind of hell they’d put him through and why the writers decided that the doctor (who has literally since the show began in like the sixties been set up as an enemy of naziism via allegory and has always been firm in the idea that NOBODY, including literal maneating space monsters, deserves to be treated as less than human) would DO that. IT’S LATER IMPLIED HE ESCAPED FROM A CONCENTRATION CAMP. the narrative DOES NOT allow time for that to sink in before moving on.

i dont have a conclusion 2 this. im just hurt as fuck about it. i hope i gave u the info u were looking for without getting too deep into my personal feelings, but it’s difficult, maybe impossible to be objective about stuff like this.

[lookforthesilverlining]

BTS Wings Tour Anaheim (4/1/17)

I know this is like 2 weeks late but I’ve been busy since the concert so anyway....

This will be an in-depth description of one of the best concerts of my life. Read more after the cut! (I even put some pictures I took!!!)

I’ll begin with the ticketing process. I was minding my own business on my way to work with my mother on November 18, 2016 when Big Hit decided to drop the Wings Tour video.

I was shocked!!! Amazed!!! Taken off guard. I was in the car and actually sat there and used up some of my data to watch this the first time. I had figured BTS was doing a world tour in 2017 but Big Hit is evil and I thought they would give some more warning. I thought wrong. Back to the trailer... I absolutely LOVE the remix of Interlude: Wings that was used. I watched that video repeatedly throughout the day. I’m still salty at Big Hit for only adding Outro: Wings to You Never Walk Alone vs. Outro Wings AND the remix. (I could also go into how Big Hit needs to release the MV teaser version of Blood Sweat & Tears but alas...). I had decided right then and there (actually before this) that I was going to try with all of my power and within a reasonable price range that I was going to make it to the Wings Tour. I was determined, KCON LA in 2016 was just not enough!!! I knew BTS would come to somewhere in California, be it Staples Center in downtown LA or Honda Center in Anaheim. I know they locations were settled by then but that DID NOT stop me from tweeting Big Hit hoping that they would be at Honda Center instead. (I experienced the evils of Staples Center and having to buy tickets via AXS. NEVER AGAIN TBH). 

I waited for days and Big Hit finally started releasing tour dates and eventually days when tickets would go on sale. As expected, BTS was coming to Anaheim. I thanked Big Hit and the high heavens that it was Honda Center. I only had to deal with Ticketmaster, nothing else! I underestimated the amount of people that were hellbent on buying tickets for the Newark shows. After seeing people talk about how fast the first show sold out, I was highly worried I wouldn’t be able to get my Anaheim tickets. I was stressing! So I did the only logical thing, when Powerhouse released the second set of Newark tickets, I tried my hand and attempting to get a pair. I wasn’t going to  be buying them, but I wanted to see how the process went. I had seen people talking about using the Ticketmaster app vs. the website so I had everything set up and ready to go. I’d like to say that I was extremely lucky because when those Newark tickets went on sale, I was actually able to snag two. I didn’t pay of course and let them go, but it quelled at least a little bit of my worries for when I had to buy my tickets later in December. 

The day had come. December 14, 2016. I was prepared to buy my tickets. Unfortunately because of times zones, I was at work when the tickets went on sale BUT my supervisor is an angel. I had told her the week before that I needed to take my break earlier during my shift so I could focus on buying my BTS tickets. She agreed! So there I was, sitting at the desk nervously waiting for the time to tick down. I had already had a Ticketmaster account with my credit card connected so that just made everything that much easier. I did have my mom also log in on her computer and phone and wait just like me. I had read from a few people that within the last minute or so of waiting, they began refreshing the Ticketmaster page and actually got to buy their tickets about 20 seconds faster than the allotted time. I also had read that people going to the second to cheapest tier of tickets (P4) had issues getting what they wanted because the seats were more limited compared to other levels. I was aiming for P4 because that’s where I sat for BigBang’s MADE Tour and it was a good view. With this info in mind, I bit the bullet and decided that I would go for P2 tickets instead. A whole $100 more but I didn’t want to have to pay more from scalpers later for any other section. So there I was, sat at the desk refreshing the Ticketmaster page every 3 seconds until the time came to buy them. I benefitted from the tip of refreshing because just as another ARMY had stated, I got my two tickets right before the actual time came. I WAS SO HAPPY! I had gotten two P2 tickets that were four rows from the general admission standing area as well as close to the extended stage!!! My mom tried and actually got two more tickets but we didn’t end up buying them for obvious reasons (and they were the elusive P4 tickets!). In my excitement I think I just listened to Interlude: Wings (and the rest of Wings tbh) and danced around for the rest of the day, I was excited!!!

In the months leading up to April 1, we got everything else together...not in a timely manner though lol. I love my mother and she has taught me many things including how to procrastinate. We probably could’ve gotten slightly cheaper plane tickets but it’s all water under the bridge now. We got plane tickets and booked our car and hotel and we were set. In the week before the concert I began my normal ritual of listening to the group’s entire discography. I did go back and find the Wings Tour setlist and listened to that exclusively in the few days prior. I also played the tour specific playlist for my mom just to reacquaint her with every BTS song I’d already had her listen to previously. 

Fast forward to Saturday, April 1, 2017. The day of the concert. I had wanted to take the day off of work, but my mom (who I work with) didn’t want to miss out on getting paid that day, so we went to work. We were the from 7:30 am to 2:00 pm. We had already preplanned everything and were already packed and ready to head to the airport. Flying with carry on only luggage is such a breeze AND we ended up getting TSA Pre Check so it literally took us about 5 minutes to get through everything and on to our gate. We flew into John Wayne Airport because duh it’s way closer and our hotel was literally down the street. We got to our hotel, changed our clothes, and headed out around 6:30-6:45? I had read that at the Newark and Chicago stops the doors were opened earlier so I didn’t expect there to be much of a line. My mother took this to mean that we could leave later, but whatever at this point. We were SHOCKED that there were still a bunch of lines around outside. I know there other cool stuff to do around the venue but I my precious time was running out! After waiting in line for about 20 minutes we finally made it in. My mom had drank some coffee before we left the hotel (bad decision tbh) and had to use the bathroom but I was worried that the concert was going to start. We decided to find our section then she would go back. We passed the life-sized BTS cutouts and I should’ve listened to my mom and taken my pictures then, but I was desperate ok! We found our seats at about 7:55 and the concert started at 8:05. Once I had gotten to my seat the kind ARMY volunteers were still handing out the bags for the Fire ocean and Rainbow ocean projects. I didn’t have an Army Bomb or buy one (I’ll keep that $60 for something else tbh) but I promised myself I’d actually participate and use my phone flashlight. My mom returned from the bathroom and once again commented on the fact that everyone was screaming at the music video (LMAO but I agree) and then... the lights went down! 

From this point on I think I’ll make each song it’s own paragraph...

As previously stated I knew what song was coming anyway,  but still. The first VCR came up with ensuing screams and then... Not Today! I have a love and less love relationship with this song. It sounds so noisy sometimes but then others I can’t get enough? And listen to it or watch the MV on repeat? Anyway, BTS started the concert on the main stage, which wasn’t like exceedingly far from me, but not the closest either. I liked the live performance etc etc. I was sufficiently whelmed at this point lol. Also this was the beginning of the assault on my eardrums. The screams were SO LOUD. My mom had randomly put some earplugs in her purse and she already had to use them. 

Next was Am I Wrong. I actually really like this song, but didn’t like the choreography all that much. I had watched some of the music show performances but I was still meh. (Maybe it’s because I get tired of music shows and watching the same choreo in different outfits for 4 weeks lol). Anyway I didn’t now what I was expecting buy actually seeing the choreo made me love it soooo much! I’m sorry for distrusting you Son Sungdeuk, it’s great! 

On to Baepsae/Silver Spoon/Crow Tit/what have you. One of my favorites! I will just say that I love this song and the choreo... so many hip thrusts but I love. If you didn’t know, my absolute, unwavering, all time favorite is J-Hope aka Dance King Jung Hoseok. He was being very rude during this song and I don’t appreciate it!!! I felt so attacked! He killed his end segment, I need to find a video of his gloriousness. 

It was Dope when I realized that BTS was using live band audio. And for that I am eternally grateful. I figured there wouldn’t be a live band but I’m glad they used the recording from the Seoul concerts because BTS + live band is better than any studio recording (for the most part) and I love. I absolutely love the guitar in this and I was not disappointed. Anyway, Dope was dope. I had already seen them perform this at KCON and seeing it a second time live was just as good as the first. After writing about Baepsae I’d just like to say that Jung Hoseok was incredibly rude during Dope as well. He can’t just do a simple hip thrust. I had watched fancams from previous stops and during the hip thrust parts he did these really small controlled thrusts and man. I was dead! He’s gotten so bold since Blood Sweet & Tears came out and I’M SUFFERING!

After Dope was the second VCR. I need to find video of it and all of the VCRs because the music in this one was great! I hope and pray that Big Hit uses the music from the VCRs in actual BTS music but I won’t hold my breath. I’ll just tweet at Big Hit and Hitman Bang with my wishes which will go unheard. 

After the VCR ended, it was time for the solos to begin (no pun intended lol). It started off with Begin, Jungkook’s solo. I love this song and it’s actually one of my top favorites from Wings. I wanted to be at least a little surprised about some of the performances since I had already spoiled the setlist for myself, so I didn’t watch any fancams of the member solos. I knew Jungkook was going to dance the whole time but I was still blown away? The footwork was so intricate and he was doing all of that AND singing live. He was wonderful. I honestly stood there and had THE BIGGEST smile on my face the whole song. I don’t really have a bias list for BTS but after the concert he’s definitely in my top favorites with Hoseok and Yoongi now.

Lie. Oh Like. Jimin did such a good job. I had actually seen little snippets of it, but I wasn’t ready. After seeing his outfit, I was offended. That low cut shirt and his collarbones were too much!!! Lie was great. I particularly loved the part where the backup dancers lifted him up. I had promised myself I wouldn’t take too many pictures/video because what’s the point of enjoying a concert through a phone screen (I am a terrible multi-tasker ok) but I tried to get a picture of when they lifted him up. I don’t think it turned out that well but whatever. At the end of the song my mom told me that she had really liked Begin and Lie. Success!!! 

Next was Yoongi and First Love. I know it’s more of a chill song so I was wondering what he’d do for his solo stage. I expected Yoongi to come out and stand while rapping and there would probably be a piano. What I wasn’t expecting was for the stage platforms to rise with 4 string instrument players!? I was shocked!!! Yoongi did fantastic and I really loved the strings. I was watching someone’s fancam later and they pointed out that towards the end it was either the strings or the recording but So Far Away’s music was playing in the background. How perfect tbh. I enjoyed it!

The next few songs are part of my favorite parts of the concert! (I’m not kidding. Lost, Save Me and I Need U are some of my top BTS songs). It was finally time for the extended stage to be used in all of it’s glory. Our seats were on the side of our section closest to the extended stage so we could see when the platform would lower for BTS to get ready for their next performance. The platform rose again and out popped Jin, Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook to bless us with Lost. Once again, I didn’t watch fancams minus a few seconds so I didn’t really see all of their choreo. I love Lost and the choreo for it was cute and not overly taxing, which I liked. 

Save Me. My ultimate favorite BTS song. I was blessed with being able to see Save Me at KCON but this time it was on the extended stage so I was so close. I about died at this point. My favorite song with them only 50 feet (I don’t know really I’m just making this up ok) in front of me where I can actually see their facial features etc. Magical. I, along with most other people in the venue, sang our hearts out. It was great. 

I Need U was next. If I say that Save Me is my ultimate favorite, I Need U is next. It only got bumped to second because of Save Me tbh. For some reason I had read the setlist wrong at first and had left I Need U out of my tour setlist playlist and I was bumming myself out for no reason lol. Like I was sitting there thinking how could life go on with me seeing BTS in concert but them not doing I Need U. Then I looked it up again and got myself together lol. I know the crowd was hype for the whole concert but there was just something about I Need U that seemed really special. I have watched so many videos of I Need U performances but it took this concert with the extra backup dancers to really understand one part of the choreo. Towards the end when Jungkook I think is in the middle and everybody falls down around him. It really looks like a flower opening up/blooming. How I managed to not notice this before, I’m not sure but I thought that part was especially awesome. Once again, thank you Son Sungdeuk for you superior choreography. 

I feel like there as a VCR at this point. I was trying to keep a note open to keep track of stuff like this but I gave up after Dope lol. Anyway if this is correct VCR that I’m thinking of, it has Namjoon in it but THE BEST part about it is that the music in the VCR ends up being part of their hidden track from 2Cool4Skool, Path (Road, Gil, whatever you want to call it). I was really touched. That song totally pertains to the tough journey of youth themes but it’s shocking they used it considering they’ve been paying it dust is fiveever. So the VCR is of Namjoon and his Wings short film and lo and behold, the telephone booth makes an appearance which segues into his performance.

For Reflection, Namjoon’s solo, the platforms on the stage rose and what else but the phone booth. It wasn’t until this solo that I began to realize that for every solo before and after Namjoon’s, the members got to wear these really pretty sequined blazers. I feel like Namjoon’s outfit was from the Japanese designer that he’s really into right now, but I can’t be certain. So Reflection. I liked it well enough but it’s grown on me even more and the live performance made me love it even more. I knew people were going to do some fanchants and they were so loud! It was during the part where he repeats, “I wish I could love myself.” He said that and the crowd chanted, “We love you.” I guess since Chile he’s been changing the lyrics to “I wish we could love ourselves” after the chants and he did the same for this performance. At the end of him performance, Namjoon went back into the phone booth which was a great transition into Taehyung’s solo.

Sitgma. So the lights on the stage dimmed as Namjoon went into the phone booth and of course he went below stage is Taehyung came up and out Taehyung came from the same phone booth. I really love Stigma and I’m so glad he pulled it off. I know from the first Seoul concert Taehyung struggled a little bit with the high notes in it but not that day. He did such a great job. 

Now time for THE BEST solo performance of the night. Every other solo wishes! Jung Hoseok and his solo MAMA. It may not be my favorite solo musically but Hoseok’s whole stage/performance/everything >>>> the other solos. His stage presence alone is out of this world. People say it all the time and he knows, he was born to perform on stage. Where’s that Lady Gaga gif. He’s talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular. I was blessed because Hoseok’s solo was the only solo that got performed on the extended stage. I was just that much closer to perfection. He came out from under the stage and sang/rapped/did the choreo with his backup dancers. The choreo isn’t difficult at all but I enjoyed it! He’s so expressive and such a great dancer. Once it got to his adlib part he ran to the runway between the extended and main stages and sang his little heart out before he made it to the main stage. I know it was just the backup dancers but I wished he could’ve had the choir like in Seoul. Anyway, Hoseok was great, everything was perfect. I love him soooo much! 

Finally, the last solo! Jin with Awake! Awake is another one of my favorite solos from Wings. I listen once then keeping replaying. So I hadn’t even watched a fancam of Jin’s at all so I didn’t know what I was expecting stagewise. I honestly really liked how they did his. The stage had 5 platforms that could change in height and they put Jin in the middle platform. The strings from Yoongi’s solo made another appearance on the other four platforms. At one point during the song Jin’s platform was elevated above the others and then later on it went in the reverse with the strings being elevated above Jin. I also enjoyed the screen in the background using graphics from HYYH Pt 1&2 album covers. Jin did fantastically and hit his high notes with ease. Perfect tbh! 

Next is the most hype performance of the night! Cypher Pt 4. Was I ready for this? I don’t know but I loved it. God bless the performance director for putting the subunits/Hoseok/Cypher on the extended stage, it makes everything better. I saw Namjoon, Yoongi, and Hoseok get their water bottles ready and the water went flying. Thank goodness I was just out of range of water hitting me. Their outfits during Cypher make me cackle but they looked so cute and totally into the song. I think my favorite part besides the song was watching them walk around the stage and hype up the crowd. Namjoon had me laughing so hard trying to do some type of dancing during part of Hoseok’s? part. It was so funny. I also love Yoongi for modifying his lyrics outside of of Korea and saying, “Click clack to the bang bang fuck you and you.” I had to sing along and laugh about it. I haven’t mentioned my mom too much because it was hard to talk to her with the headphones in but she really enjoyed this performance. I think it was her favorite from the night. She doesn’t always stand up during concerts (especially the kpop ones we’ve been to) but she stoop up for the end of cypher. She even clapped! 

Next was Fire. I love Fire. This where the preplanned Fire ocean fan project came in. I had my bag ready!!! The Fire ocean ended up working out really well. The upper bowl had red bags while the lower bowl had yellow bags. It was really pretty! I got some pictures too. I know it would’ve been too difficult but I kind of wish the yellow and red were alternated between sections versus upper and lower. I can’t really complain though. It was my second time seeing it, the first being at KCON. It was great. I only wish that they had done the special ending choreo for Fire at these concerts but that is but a minor gripe in the big scheme of things. ALSO. I feel like Fire had some kind of remix plus live version going on and I hate Big Hit for not releasing it at all. It was fire lol. We’re all missing out and being deprived.

I’m pretty sure there was a ment here but I can’t remember. Shame on me. After the ment they segued into their older song medley. These songs are some of my favorites with respect to live versions. I won’t do a paragraph per song because they didn’t even do the whole song but I’ll say that I really enjoyed watching them just freestyle to the music. I think it was during Boy In Luv? that they did a bit of choreo but other than that I loved watching them work the stage. They did shortened versions of N.O, No More Dream, Boy In Luv, Danger, and Run. I died many times when Jung Hoseok and his rude self stayed on my section’s side of the extended stage and did dance moves from some of the various songs. It’s NOT FAIR!!!! I noticed that the setlist for the US Wings tour stops were void of War of Hormone for some odd reason. I’m not complaining though because it’s my least favorite BTS song EVER! Also, I was happy to see Run in the setlist. That song has been disrespected! It didn’t do as well digital downloadwise vs. I Need U, Fire, BST but it’s still so good! I was happy to see its inclusion. 

On to 21st Century Girls. I enjoy this song, the choreo is adorable, I love it! I only have one complaint. As stated, I love the live versions of BTS songs, with two exceptions. This being one of them. I didn’t particularly care for an instruments in this live version. Like the song is still nice, but...eh. The prechorus and chorus seemed so bare? I don’t know the word. But there’s some horn sound or whatever and that get’s replaced with who knows what and I wasn’t exactly feeling it. I loved everything else though so they get a slight pass. 

Ok, I know there was a talk here! They asked if we were enjoying the concert and tried to bluff and say they were at the last song. THESE BLATANT LIES. I had noticed there were only 6 out of 7 on stage and Hoseok was missing. I was internally freaking out and hoping he wasn’t hurt until I realized that Intro: Boy Meets Evil was next!

I knew it was coming but it just warms my heart that Hoseok got to do MAMA and his Boy Meets Evil intro even if it was only half. I was getting into it and EVERYTHING and then he stopped right at the part where he’s supposed to do that butterfly kick, I think that’s what it’s called. Either way, I was blessed to see him do that live, I was so happy!

The Boy Meets Evil cutoff turned into Blood Sweat & Tears. I always think it’s cute when this transition happens because Namjoon is standing there in the dark helping Hoseok put on his blazer for BST. This song is another one in the setlist that got the superior concert remix. I HATE Big Hit and wish this version was also released. It sounded great with the band and I’m sure the studio would sound fantastic as well. 

Last before the “encore” but certainly not least was Outro: Wings. This song is actually my 3rd all time favorite BTS song after Save Me and I Need U. The rainbow ocean was supposed to happen after Outro: Wings and right before 2!3! but people got their bags out early including me. I had the bag over my phone but then I realized I needed some pics or video of this legendary song. Not like I hadn’t been singing along to everything the whole concert but I was jumping up and waving my phone around and having sooooo much fun. It’s such a great song to play at concerts. Everyone was on their feet having a great time. I was in heaven!! Because this was Outro: Wings and not it’s shorter counterpart Interlude: Wings, we got Hoseok rapping his piece. It was so cute because everyone was crowded around him hyping him up. I literally only have one gripe with this live version. It’s a hip-house song with great house elements but the house beats are weakened by using the live instruments and I felt part of the instrumental was lacking, other thank that, this song and performance were perfection.

This is were the alleged encore comes in although if you’re stupid enough to leave at this part, I worry about you. The lights went down and then started the BTS chants. They were only gone about 2-5 minutes then the screens showed the last VCR. It was a nice really touching one about how they’re making their way through life, supporting each other. Seven boys but one goal, etc etc. Really sappy, lovely stuff. 

Now everyone was ready and the rainbow ocean was in full effect. It looked soooo pretty! They started singing 2!3! and the whole crowd sang along. It’s a really heartfelt, personal song and you could really feel the sincerity in it. My mom later asked me what the song was about and after I explained it to her she said that she could definitely tell that this song in particular was super important and comforting. I think that says a lot for a woman that only listens to kpop because I make her and has no idea what’s going on besides that. Back to the song. I know the goal was for the fans to sing that last part of the chorus without BTS and we did such a great job? Everyone was so loud and I was so proud, we did well! I got a little video of at least the rainbow ocean because it was so pretty!

Finally and unfortunately, the last song of the night, Spring Day. I actually really love Spring Day after a few months. When it came out I knew some would find it a bit boring but I really enjoy chill BTS music. I wasn’t that enthused with the choreo, like it’s really great and I see people gushing over it and I’m just sitting here like yeah ok. But once again, the live performance reeled me in, I have a newfound appreciation for it. I didn’t want the song to be over. 

I think this is where this happened but if it didn’t, oh well. All of BTS gave a little spiel about enjoying the concert, etc etc. I should’ve listened better but my mom kept asking me what they were saying, she should’ve taken out the earplugs lol. I was especially touched when Jungkook said his ment in English. I know Namjoon had gone on the V+ chat a few days prior mentioning how much Jungkook had practiced this part. They all ended up holding hands and bowing to the crowd multiple times.

After all was said and done the lights came up and I’m pretty sure it was the Interlude: Wings instrumental? I don’t remember was played as BTS walked around the stage waving and thanking fans. It was all very cute. I loved when people threw a bunch of Pokemon on stage and Taehyung only picked up the Eevees and held them in his arms/put them on his head. Also cute was Yoongi and Hoseok picking up the Minnie ears and doing the Nae Nae around the stage. Everything was adorable. I didn’t want it do end, they looked like that had so much fun. Finally they slowly made their way from the extended stage to the main stage, messed around a lot more then did one big bow with the backup dancers and made their way offstage. Before everything was officially over a concert practice video ran during the credits of the Wings tour stuff. And then, that was it. I couldn’t hear properly but I had the time of my life. I only wish BTS/Big Hit can get bigger and even richer and then they’ll actually take a live band on tour with them. How awesome would that be!

I LOVED LOVED LOVED Wings Tour sooooo much and I shall wait patiently until BTS comes back again because I had such an incredible time!

[were1993]

Okay I’m not gonna cry (because i’m already crying). This literally my entire fucking pharmacy school career. 

Edit: I’m so fucking sorry it’s so long. tbh the ending is probably the most important hahaha so if u just want to get to know me better, just skip to the last paragraph LOOOL

Why do I have to pick tomorrow today /How would I know what’s going to happen tomorrow / My visions and dreams are fading away

Okay so in pharmacy school, if you want to get ahead, you need to choose early on what you’re going to do and how you’re going to get there. Choose by the first week whether you want to be a co-chair of a committee, choose by the second week whether you want to run for student body, choose by the third week whether you want to do research. Are there chances down the line to do these things? Yeah, but it’ll be a lot harder so it’s actually easier to just choose now. And if you don’t know whether you want to do it or not, easier to just go for it and back out later <-- altho no one really does that, you might as well stick with something you’ve done for the past 2 years, shows commitment, shows grit.

You keep pushing me while my eyes are half-covered / telling me to pick which one to go with / somebody let me know / tell me which way to go / cause I don’t know

Pharmacy is expanding out of the traditional roles: community and hospital. We’re no longer just the friendly (or sometimes not-so-friendly) faces at CVS or Walgreens or Longs if you remember those haha. We’re no longer just the hospital staff you’d never see because we’re in the basement verifying orders. No, now there are ambulatory care pharmacists, there are managed care pharmacists, there are transitions of care pharmacists (some of these examples have been around for a little bit but the general public still sees the white coat at CVS so lol). And the further you want to go forward, the more training you need. But in order to get that kind of training out of school, you need to start preparing as soon as possible. So even before you can decide, you’ve already made a decision.

Today I hesitantly answer the questions again / That I don’t even know the answer to / Is it this way? or that way? / My decisions are getting scary

The traditional route is to just find work and get a couple years of experience. But now, with residencies and fellowships, there are faster ways to get there. For the BCPS (Specialty Certifications), the requirements are either having done a residency at an accredited site OR 3-5 years of direct patient care experience. I feel painfully behind with my friends all going into residencies or straight to inpatient staffing (but then again a lot of my friends are overachievers LOL). But I remember when I applied for residency, I hesitated a lot. Is this what I want or just something everyone else has convinced me that I want? (and honestly, that’s probably why I didn’t get a residency, interviewers can smell hesitation LOL)

With an unstable state of mind mind mind / I’m confronting the next next next decision / There ways I have never been to / I’m scared, will I ever find mine among these / day by day

I will be honest, I never wanted to be a pharmacist. I never saw myself in a white coat, but I have a degree worth a small house in Beverly Hills and the respective amount of student loans. And I’m stuck in this question of what do I really want from this? What do I want to do in pharmacy? Is this a job or a career? If not pharmacy, what else could I do? Should I go after a childhood dream or grit my teeth and earn my retirement? When people ask me, I answer what I know they want me to hear because I’m scared. 

Answering the never ending questions even on a busy day / I keep looking back even though I’m going forward 

I’m a person who has a lot of regrets. If I did ___ maybe this would have happened, If I did ____ instead maybe that would have happened. And what are regrets if not constantly looking back and wondering? (I mean for fanfiction it’s great ‘cause i create conflicts in my mind that i need to let out somehow LOL) I’m terrified that five, ten, thirty years down the line, I’m going to look back at my pharmacy career and just feel empty. The same I felt towards pharmacy school. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met so many great people and made so many wonderful friends. I love my friends in pharmacy school, my teachers/mentors/preceptors and all the students/colleagues I’ve met along the way. But when I think of pharmacy school as a step in my life, I look back to it and it’s just empty. People say, just work hard and you’ll learn to enjoy it. 

What will I be at the end of the road? / WillI regret looking back later?

But work hard at what? I have no goals, I have no desires, I have nothing. I have three years of regret and a residency application season’s of worthless feelings. I’ve worked so hard throughout these past years, but I just feel so empty and tired. I spent a solid six years forcing myself to go through a program that I honestly did not want to be apart of. I made it. Now what.

So tell me which way to go

While this seems very dark and blah, I do enjoy helping people and that’s probably what got me through pharmacy school. As a pharmacist, I do have the opportunity to help people directly or indirectly. This is where the strong, optimistic Liz kicks in and says: You’re already here. Help as many people as you can. Regret this career sure, but don’t regret the potential to better people’s lives. Use it so you don’t add another regret to your life. 

AAAAND, that’s it for Liz’s honesty moment of the day. Thank you if you really did read all of this and I’m just emoting LOL. This song hits me somewhere where it hurts and i was honestly expecting another Bounce HAHAH, but instead I got this song that hurt me.