#literally me cleaning my room today
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Brb gotta just yell into the void
#GOD IM JUST#so both Q and I were under the impression we would be getting help fixing the place#almost a full week later#it’s basically just been me his elderly grandma and him when hes not working#which is very little time since he’s full time#I have been working on this place from basically sunrise to sunset#doing what I can to make it clean and repaint#but I can’t do most repairs#mainly what the bathroom needs#but today#ooooooo today#Q’s parents are getting on our nerves man#we’ve been trying to explain that the bathroom is not functional in it’s current state#and instead of Q’s father#the landlord of this place who decided keeping it while living two and a half hours away was a smart idea#helping to fix said bathroom#says he’d rather work on the living room floor which is the lowest priority#and when we expressed this to them#his mother goes#if you don’t like it you can go live somewhere else#EXCUSE ME#I have literally been spending all the time I can trying to fix up YOUR place for you two#to the point where I am now coming down with a cold and my lowing back is killing me#where Q is sacrificing every free moment he has trying to do what he can while working a full time job#and THIS is the thanks we get???????#what the hell#anyway they’re coming tomorrow but Q has work so I am going to cry#I am so exhausted and stressed if they pull some shit I might just do something I shouldn’t#I want this to be over#the second were able to afford a house we’re getting the hell out of here
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god bless sleeping 12hrs nightly
#stream#i hate it so much#like get up & do what ? CLEAN ? AGAIN ? be a PERSON ? AGAIN ?#i was so annoyed yesterday ppl were pissing me off so much then i called my mother & it was lovely & i told her how i scammed a vacuum from#amazon last semester by reporting it stolen bc dpd refused to deliver it TO ME & sent it to a language centre so then i reported it as a#dispute on my credit card got my money back then picked up the vacuum ALSKALSKLKSLAKSLA she said ‘u are ur fathers child’ & honestly ? real#cheap as FUCK like i GET IT FROM SOMEWHERE#but she’s also HER fathers child so i don’t wanna hear it 🙄#by that it’s ‘u gotta make it really reasonable if u want anything w my money’#i’m literally going to try to scam an electric drill or just use & return to make a fucking big room divider to THE HEIGHT I NEED bc it need#to be literally like 150cm even to go w the height of the tv bc that’s mounted & it came w the place so i can’t move it & also it doesn’t#even work ALSKALSKALKSLKSLA HATE KY LANDLORD !!!!! i mean love em they don’t do anything it’s full shithead hours 24/7 here & i love that#but GIRL ….#DID YALL RLY HVE TO PAINT OVER THE BITCHES HAIR ?#WOULD A BROOM HAVE KILLED YALL ? anyway ALSO IT DOESNT EVEN HAVE A CABLE#& U HAVE TO HAVE A TV LICENSE HERE FOR THE FUCKING TV 😭😭😭😭#like ALSKALKSLAKSLSLKSLAK literally … decoration#that’s ugly as fuck and annoying as shit like why is it THERRREEEEEEEE#i’m having my mother bring an amazon fire stick when i meet in north carolina like next week so i can maybe hopefully use it somehow like#just as a SPEAKER EVEN#that would be GREAT bc i’m not paying for cable i don’t even watch netflix as is#like let me get this podcast on the tele ‼️‼️‼️#determined to get dishes done today#running low on weed BUT that 1 drug dealer w cancer & w/o a bladder im talking to he’s so fucking hot hopefully he actually has a connect#for me to get smack ALSKALKSLKSLKSLKSLKALAK
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good morning. clinical depression has arrived and clocked the fuck in
#txt#i was goinf to clean my room today but i literally dont have the energy to like leave my bed dkdkdk#and like my dr told me to let myself feel what i have to feel and try to take easy steps but AHHHH#like its so irritating how i'll be in a depressive episode but so impatient w myself like i literally wish id just speed this shit up so#i can do other shit. and live n do things n function. but noooooo
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when i have "commitments" and "things to look forward to" so i can't "kill myself" -_-
#smth smth url checks out idk#today is so shitty man#literally walked out of my room to tell my cat ''hi boy. daddy's killing himself today''#(i won't. due to the aforementioned commitments. and 2.7 next week. but MAN)#goddddddd i'm so tired 😭 i want just one thing to go well. to be pleasant.#i really tried to approach today with a relatively positive attitude and it has proven me that that was a mistake.#. sorry for all the whining and complaining it's either that or sh and this doesn't require cleaning up or hiding stuff later.#suicide //#ask to tag
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So much to do, so little motivation to do any of it
#okay it isn’t really a whole lot to do but omgggggg i'm tired and just wanna sleep#todays agenda is clean room; wash bedding; take ac out of window#that's literally it#and yet here i lay in bed with no bedding being cold and unmotivated#i'm not cleaning out my closet today and no one can make me fuck that it's an issue for future me#i'll do it this week but today is not the day#personal#cleaning#motivation#lack of motivation#no motivation#motivation? don't know her#i am very tired#tired#sleepy#sleep deprived#i need sleep#and bedding omg
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Getting that laundry done! (<- is severely out of breath and faer heart is beating out of its chest)
#fae irl#my partner carried the basket down the stairs for me but i am still winded just from going up those stairs lolol#we are on the third floor and the laundry room is on the first and we have the thinnest shittiest little stairways 😔#and also because of my three hours of manic cleaning and organizing yesterday my right calf had been sore and threatening to charlie on me#like all day today#oops#at least things are clean and organized tho!!!#and soon my laundry will be as well 😌#now heres to hoping my blind ass doesnt manage to wipe out on those shitty stairs breaking through the worlds crappiest railing#man. really wish we were on the first floor.#i hate hate hate these stairs#i am literally legally blind man and these stairs suck so so so bad 😭#dunno how i managed not to wipe out on them back during my two weeks of feverish laundry washing last year
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siiiiiiigh
#i am in fact a grown adult who is still incapable of talking about their feelings and thoughts to people so I'll just rant here#my relationship with my mother is. so weird. it's not always bad but it always ends up bad for one reason or another#she can be perfectly civil and i'll still be irritated. other times i do try to tolerate it and engage and she ends up saying something#upsetting to me either way.#i don't want to keep being rude to her i don't want to get mad and annoyed all the time but i just can't stop. it's always like this#and i hate myself for it and i hate her and i hate everything about it#today i was leaving for work and she was like. i'll take the trash out of your room and i told her not to do it. she kept insisting and i#had to raise my voice at her to maybe get the point across to get her not to touch anything#and yes my room is a fucking mess and it is something to be embarrassed of. i just feel so fucking tired all time time and i keep tellin#myself that i will clean it this time for sure and then i don't. most of the time it's my mother taking care of it without my permission#and i am grateful for it bc nobody likes living in a mess... but i also fucking hate it because it makes me feel even more worthless#i just can't get rid of the feeling of shame. no matter what i do.#and back to the mother thing. i told her that if she touches anything i will go to her room and throw out anything that isn't nailed down#even though objectively i have no reason to oppose her helping me#but i also fucking hate it#maybe being rude is the only way to get it across. but also i get irritated about anything so easily#i feel shittier and shittier every day. had there been an easy and painless way of killing myself i would have done it already#and despite how much i want to blame this on a disorder or lack of access to medication. there is no magic pill that would fix me is there#i'm just a shitty person who cannot get it together despite everything being handed to me#i'm literally bad at anything and everything. i'm not even a good blogger lmao#people have it much worse in life and still do better. me? i'm useless. there's no helping it. i should have died from covid or something#nobody will save me. nobody cares enough. besides one person whom i push away because i can't stand her and i don't even know why 👍#if i stop messaging people first most of them would forget about me#i am alone. a lonely person in a messy room desperately trying to be entertaining so someone will pay a little bit of attention to me.#not to mention the geopolitics#i won't even go there. i hate the possibility that people might see it mentioned and give me shit for it#one more thing that is apparently my fault. directly or indirectly#all i want is to leave this country. spend the day with someone who cares for me like an actual friend. and then shoot myself so i don't#have to go back#sealene.txt
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okay I severely misjudged spaghetti guy he’s actually just really cool
#okay so I came to this flat and he wasn’t here. greeted by a very dirty flat with shit all over the kitchen counters over cling film#I meet first my other flatmate who told me he stays in his room constantly bc of previous bad flatmates#has literally just a saucepan and some salt in the kitchen. so I’m like okay spaghetti guy potentially not great but could just be#how this guy is yknow#on Tuesday I get an email back saying he’s coming back from Norway tonight looking forward to seeing you feel free to use the kitchen sauces#rlly friendly message that I wasn’t expecting. I also didn’t know he’d been on a trip i just knew he wasn’t there bc his door was open#(to a REALLY nice room. multiple rlly nice plants (which he has little care labels for!!!) and it’s tidy and pretty#and he’s got a sheep teddy on the bed)#meanwhile I am in my own head bc I don’t wanna cook in the kitchen until I can clean it and I can’t clean it without moving his shit and#I haven’t seen him yet to talk abt it and I can’t bring myself to talk to him immediately bc I’m dying#and embarrassed as hell by how I’ve been cooking in my room with a microwave and air fryer (loud) and sneaking my shit out of the kitchen#but then yesterday I DO talk to him!! and he’s super friendly!! actually interested in having a conversation and Good at it.#and then he’s cooking and like. spaghetti burns but I’m not there for long and seems to be a mistake (he made the same thing for lunch today#and did Not burn the spaghetti) and is otherwise clearly competent bc the food smells Good and despite leaving a few things out it’s like#washed up stuff isn’t dirty and the sides are better despite still under cling film. more a case that he’s spread out than he’s messy#and now today we talked and i offered to hold onto some shit over summer bc complicated situation that boils down to he’s flying back home#and he cant take all his stuff and had to choose between chucking stuff/having literally nothing this weekend. like sleeping on the sofa etc#and then cleans the whole flat?? which I’m assuming a good chunk is his mess? but he did not need to do that. could’ve easily left#bc there are two people still living here who would’ve had to deal with it and he doesn’t know either at all#and THEN tonight we talk abt food which is fun bc we both ordered stuff. and he offers me some honeydew melon bc he’s been gorging himself#these past two days to finish it before it goes bad/he leaves which is also really sweet#and JUST NOW. I take my headphones out after finishing dinner and hear the sweetest fucking guitar#he plays the gentlest like dreamy sounding acoustic guitar I’ve heard in my life in his room (door closed by the time I leave)#this is actually just a really cool dude#now that the kitchens clear I’m gonna cook tomorrow and will probably offer him some bc otherwise he’s gonna be eating out all weekend#he has extra takeout for tomorrow night but might want smth Sunday#regardless I am just. huh??? left a bit stunned bc of the u turn my opinion of this guy has taken. bc my opinion of him was a reflection#of my discomfort moving to this weird dirty basement flat with two people I didn’t know#well. idk where to go from here. I think I’ll start by talking to him more this weekend. bc holy fucking shit.#luke.txt
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Success!!! 🎉
#just a productive day for me :3#my rooms been a mess and i finally cleaned and rearranged everything -- it's SO nice now#i finished all this week's hw i procrastinated on until today 😅 but im happy with my essay!#i was able to chat with pals and peek at more manga#(im officially addicted to the little yotsuba&! tab open on my phone asdfgh)#i have some fic to read/comment on soon that im excited about tomorrow! and editing my own fic after getting good feedback from my sister 👀#not specifically today but earlier thos week i was called back for a job interview ;___; the phone interview was a disaster so i expected#to never hear from them again 💀 so to have a follow up in a few weeks is WILD im so excited ;__;#and all this on a night of super broken sleep!!! i am unstoppable!!!#(had a lot of sleep paralysis last night after not having any for a real long while 🤔 i just wonder why...)#we made it through The Horrors (<- literally just normal depression that kicked my ass extra for some reason) and we're back and#ready to party!!! (<- right now this means sleep but in general im feeling like a human again 😅)#hope everyone is well!!!#rose rambles
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#I am so overstimulated and annoyed rn my head feels like it's going to explode#I have not gotten A SECOND to just sit and breathe without someone being around or needing smth from me today#Like I literally deep-cleaned my entire room and reorganized everything thinking that after that I wouldn't have to do much for the rest of#The day#But I was completely wrong because apparently my mom needed more help with my younger siblings while my older brother and dad#Were out getting groceries#Thennn after that I thought I'd finally be able to fucking relax#But noooo because now my dad wants to come downstairs with my youngest sibling and make dinner#Now I have to run around with said youngest sibling while my dad cooks.#LOSING MY FAWKING MIND#I just want to be left aloneeee for a little while leave me alone 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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ive been a little upset about it all night so i need to write out all the things that happened at work today and are bugging me so i can TRY to get it out of my head and actually RELAX bc i just keep pacing in circles around it instead of just accepting it and moving on
#for context i was working frying chicken today. ok so i arrive and literally all the chicken out expires within ten minutes of each other#meanwhile to remake everything takes about an hour 20#tried my best to get everything out and replaced and make sure i have enough of everything and then take my break bc with chicken there are#few narrow windows to take your break in you have very little control over when it is#get back and while im getting ready for my next fry one of the assistant leaders comes back and passive aggressively asks 'everything ok?'#and when i say yeah shes starts saying how shes 'just checking' because apparently i didnt have enough chicken out for her liking and went#on about how we're in a chicken drive (I KNOW. I WORK CHICKEN SHE NEVER HAS.)#etc etc. i just say ok and she leaves#like 20 minutes later she comes fucking back to rag on me again about how i need to choose my break times better and i need to have more#chicken out there as back up (extremely difficult bc there is literally only so much room in the fryers. the batches i usually make already#nearly completely fill them up) blah blah and then when i try to explain how i WAS making pretty big batches people are just snatching them#up fast she keeps trying to walk out the door right away and keeps stopping and looking over her shoulder to just stare at me while i try t#finish my sentence#and she just. doesnt say anything in response when i do finish she just leaves#so clearly she didnt want a conversation she just wanted to rag on me#then later for cleanup the timing of everything just kept lining up inconveniently so i kept having to get in and out of raw cleaning gear#and slowing myself down and i end up having to stay almost 15 minutes late to finish cleaning#during cleaning i have to go grab a key to the back door to take out my trash and this one coworker i have was standing in the way of the#door. i say excuse me and she just stares at me and goes huh?#and i say i need a key and she barely moves out of the way without responding and she has a look like im bothering her#why are you acting like im being douchey. i just need a key. thats something she does a lot she acts like im inconveniencing her by asking#basic favors . ive stopped asking her to help me open the back door (sometimes needed if i also have raw garbage to take out and therefore#cant touch the key myself) for some reason she takes it upon herself to almost completely close the door after i walk out so when i come#back i have to awkwardly use my foot to reach around and pull the door open#ive asked her before not to do it and she just ignored me#GRAH GRAH. and then like i said in my last rb i realized while i was drivign home i forgot to wash a damn pan#im mostly worried about it because ive forgotten a couple times in the past too . in my defense its a pan i personally dont use but it just#gets left behind from first shift sometimes and then second shifters end up having to make sure its clean#im just irritateddd and im mad im worried about it all. its all little things piling up on each other#LOL I WROTE A LOT MORE BUT THE REST GOT CUT OUT IG I HIT A TAG LIMIT. tumblr voice ok dude quit your bitching !!
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I fucking hate cleaning and sharing a space and having NOTHING to do with half the shit in my house cuz most of it belongs to other people and nobody else is in a "let's throw shit away if we don't need it" mood.
#there's really only so much I can do!#and I try.#no one else is taking this as seriously as I am.#I asked if we could all please focus on cleaning and decluttering this weekend so if there is an issue there will be less hassle#working around everything.#'yeah yeah of course we'll do what we gotta do!'#literally all day yesterday everyone sat around watching tv while I holed up in my room working.#today. go downstairs for the first time in 24 hours. again. everyone is sitting on the couch watching tv.#oh hey I thought we were gonna clean?#'yeah tomorrow.'#well the exterminator comes on Tuesday and I've only been focusing on one room cuz I don't want to spread the problem...#'we'll do what we can do but there's no way we're getting the whole house cleaned by then'#okay but I told everyone on Friday!! we literally had all weekend!!#I know everyone else thinks I'm crazy and being overdramatic and I just 'shouldn't worry abt it' but the least they could do is humor me!!#I wish I could be irresponsible and just say 'meh who cares it's probably not anything and if it is it's probably not a big deal'#but I'm being realistic. I'm so tired of people ignoring problems and just hoping it goes away on its own.
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about the last thing i reblogged, the stress one
YOU GUYS
i've always been a sensitive human bean in terms of allergies and having sensitive skin, AND i already knew im basically a little walking bundle of stressed out angry nerves
but my body literally decided to rebel against me and let me tell you, one more problem and im going to wrap myself in bubble wrap or become the modern real life bubble boy
#my body: im so stressed im going to start making myself sick so you'll calm the fuck down#im getting allergies and rashes from anything and everything#fucking tooth paste guys#food i eat today does nothing but tomorrow makes me go to the hospital because it triggers my immune system#cleaning products? i cant even be in the same ROOM as them#me cleaning the house is like those doctors in infection movies#i just wanted to vent a little because yeah#like the literal sunlight allergies and all the respiratory ones and the non pure gold or silver jewellery and amoxicillin#and goddamn BANDAIDs and surgical tape and anything adhesive werent enough#i guess thats what having a literal clusterfuck of a year and not getting treatment or talking to anyone about it and having consistent#insomnia for about 7 months does to you
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Weeping sobbing shitting my dick WHY DID I MOVE IN WITH A FUCKING PROFESSIONAL THERAPIST
#mars says stuff#uggghhh itll be FINE#im just fed up with how she expects me to ve borderline professional and oh so considerate all the time#but she treats me like a dog/patient when im doing things right and like an grown evil mysoginist man when I fuck up#the fuckup in question was not cleaning the rug fast enough and the fact my friends didnt clean up after themselves#AND THE FACT SHE LITERALLY KICKED ME OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR A NIGHT BC SHE 'needed breathing room'#AFTER I BROUGHT HER FOOD FROM MY MOM THAT SHE ASKED FOR!!!#AND SHE GOT OUR OTHER ROOMMATE TO DO IT BC SHES TOO MUCH OF AN UWU ANXIOUS GIRLY TO DO IT HERSELF#and for all our shared acquaintances their roles in HER life are always more importsnt than mine#and the way she gets so pissed when her mental health suggestions dont work for me/make things worse#like also YOU INVITED ME. TO LIVE WITH YOU. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND#we need to cocreate a life together instead of you just. adding me to yours and I need to fucking bend abd break to fit in#AND ALSO ITS FUCKING DEAD WEEK AND I HAVE A TEST TODAY AND SHE KNOWS THAT BUT DENIED IT LAST NIGHT#at least if things get bad enough I could ruin her fucking life if I need to#i wont. i still love her to death. but if she can kick me out with impunity I can get her fired
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i have obtained a SIGNIFICANT and POTENTIALLY CARCINOGENIC BIOHAZARD and im BEYOND EXCITED ABOUT THIS
#the bhiohazard in question? a couple of nastyass turnouts!!!! a jacket and some pants!!!!!#yeah theyre sitting abt three feet away from me but dw!!! theyre in a big garbage bag so its ok ^-^#basically the EMT program (that im almost done with. as a side note but woot woot) is selling their old student ambulances#since theyre a bitch to maintain and we have a newer indoors simulator (its like. the back of an ambulace built into a room)#(like the back and one of the sides are open and it doesnt have a drivers compartment (duh) and no tires but is otherwise a Real Ambulance#which we use for practicing)#anyways so these old student ambulances gotta get cleaned out before they can be sold yeah?#and as it HAPPENS!! theyve been storing a SHIT TON of nasty filthy smelly turnouts in there for the past While#like probably 12-16 Large garbage bags full#(for those who dont know: turnouts are what those fucking. firefighter uniforms are called. like the ones they wear In Fires)#and they dont know what to do with them so theyre gonna get thrown away next week#so my TEACHER!!! was like 'yall if anyone Wants any of that shit you can literally just help urself'#so i went down today and poked thru some bags and GOT STUFFS!!!#anyways i am excited not only bc Turnouts Cool but ALSO bc theyre Super Fucking Insulated#bc theyre meant to be worn inside Massive and Super Hot fires#which yeah protects u from extreme heat but my GENUOS BRAIN also realized this: they would be STUPID COZY in cold weather#and i happen to be moving to a rather cold part of the states in a few months!!!!#so now i have free winter gear and its EXTRA SEXY STYLE#however u CANNOT clean turnouts at home bc#a) they gotta be washed with Extra Strong Industrial Fucking Machines#(called 'extractors' not 'washing machines')#and b)#they can and WILL leech nasty fucking toxins from structural fires into your machine and contaminate everything forever <3#so ive reached out to some 'send away' turnout laundry services#idk if theyre gonna do it tho cuz um. im Not associated with a fire department <3#so if that fails ill just do the best i can at home!!! <- research mode Engaged#either way theyre sexy and Yes i can still smell them despite them being bagged in a Super Rugged Industrial Manly Garbage Bag#(i didnt tie it super tight)#btu thats ok whats life without Danger <3#whatever the fuck
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Me vs outlining a perfect plan for my day in my head which I can be the only one allowed to change the schedule vs my mom asking me to do 2 simple tasks
#she was like hey can you take the trash out I was like ughhhh okay yeah give me a min (I was still ordering weed)#my mom less than a minute later : hey if you want to break down all the cardboard out there I’d appreciate it Me: actually I’d rather not I#was about to shower right after I put this weed order in#then she gets all pissed at me bc I never do what she asks and blah blah blah blah blah#like. girl. I know she can’t see in my brain but I was not awake last night watching cleaning videos and psyching myself up for a day full#of cleaning my room and showering and doing laundry and cleaning funks cage and doobs cage and making my bed and dusting my ceiling fan and#taking apart my box fan to clean it and cleaning the water pitcher in the fridge and deep cleaning#like GAH I HAVE SO MANY PLANS TODAY WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DO NOTHING AND JUST SIT ON MY ASS SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP#ripping my hair out and screaming banging my fists on the floor#I literally was like yeah I’ll take the trash out no I will not break down boxes right now and she went off on a whole fucking thing like#just shut up.#I hate it. why do I make plans in my head of the exact order I have to do things and if one person suggest doing anything differently or#pushing my schedule back further than I wanted to myself I get so annoyed I explode into a ball of flames#I wanted to shower dry off pick up weed let out funk refill the humidifier clean the bathroom mirrors throw sort and clean the bathroom#shelves sweep start a load of laundry clean off my desk which means cleaning and organizing my closet or my desk dresser thing to fit the#crap on my desk and I have to clean and reorganize the space next to my desk so I can fit my boombox there bc the humidifier took its place#next to funk and like I want to just cry why does everything have to be so fucking difficult for me why is everything simple for everyone#else and for me every simple task is composed of one million baby tasks that I have to do in the correct order forever or everyone around m#will think I’m stupid and dumb forever like WHAT THE HELL WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR EVERYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU JUST DO THING#IN WHATEVER ORDER AND IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT DO YOU MEAN A 20 MINUTE SETBACK DOESNT COMPLETELY RUIN YOUR DAY#AHHHHHHHHHH I WANT TO RIP MY HAIR OUT#BUT INSTEAD. I WILL GO TAKE THE TRASH OUT. AND NOT BREAK DOWN THE CARDBOARD BC THAT MEANS GETTING MY KNIFE AND MY HEADPHONES AND PUTTING MO#CLOTHES ON WHICH IS COUNTERINTUITIVE#TO THE WHOLE ABOUT TO TAKE A SHOWER THING#UGHHHHHHH#I am the worst human on the planet and I deserve infinite suffering#fuck this whole thing I’m pissed I’m gonna listen to music and rage clean after I pick up weed and shower
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