#literally like. ugh it is so hard to maintain this but also if you want to make art with sincerity you GOTTA. YOU GOTTA.

[essektheylyss]

"When you make stories or art that are a kind of shortcut to proving yourself right, that's sort of the definition of propaganda, I think."

SAY THAT, BRENNAN.

[girlboypersonthingy]

Hi! How are you? Can i request a Velvette x F reader? Or GN if you feel more comfortable, I don't mind. The reader being so slow to understand Velvette flirting and she gets frustrated like "oh you are so lucky that i love you"

Hi there! I’m good! Hope you’re doing good too. Love thisssssss. Velvette would get so lovingly annoyed lmao 💜 thanks for the request! And enjoy~

TW: suggestive themes, lots of cussing

Notes: gn!reader, this is just a short little drabble

ALSO, I got a ton of requests waiting for me rn. Plz feel free to keep sending em in! Just be patient with me, I’ll get to them 😉

Velvette x reader- Oblivious 💓

Girl tries soooooo hard and gets soooooo mad when you don’t get it.

Velvette is pretty confident, extroverted and bold naturally so when it comes to her fat crush on you, she’s not afraid to make it known.

But come on! She’s trying to have fun with it, trying to tease you and get you all flustered but you just won’t budge.

She will straight up compliment you, loudly and in front of all her models and assistants, something about looking hot as hell, and you just figure she really likes your outfit today. That’s all she means, right?

Velvette likes to jokingly do things that’ll allow her to touch you intimately.

For example, she’ll drop something in your lap just so she can slowly reach down and pick it up, letting her fingers linger on your thigh all while maintaining eye contact

Literally doesn’t phase you and she’s just flabbergasted…like damn, what does she have to do? Straight up kiss you on the mouth to get her point across?

She’ll post pics of you on her sinstagram with nothing but heart emojis as the caption and you just like it and comment “BESTIE” and now she’s pouting bc she wants to be bae, not bestie

One time, she made this big scene complaining about being short a model and her desperately needing an extra body. She’s so dramatic, so cute.

Immediately points to you, wiggling her brows suggestively as she motions for you to follow her.

“I’ll even dress you myself~”

And she proceeds to take you to a room alone and watch as you happily undress. You’re comfortable with her, why not?

Meanwhile, Velvette is dripping in sweat and trying not to straight up moan at the sight of you so bare and vulnerable before her.

“You okay? You look like you don’t feel good.” You feel her forehead as if checking for a fever and she wants to slap you rn bc hello?! She’s literally in love with horny asf for you and you think she’s sick? Satan, help her.

“UugggHGGGHHH! Bloody fuckin hell, (Y/N). Just-just…ugh.”

And when her words fail her, she goes to plan B- kissing you right on the mouth.

It’s one of those kisses that starts tense and awkward but is easy to melt into.

“Oh.” Is all you can get to come out of your mouth once you part and this makes Velvette huff in frustration once again.

She goes on a tangent about her feelings and how frustrated she is with you. She’s like lowkey scolding you as she confesses her love and attraction for you.

By the end of it you’re a bright red, stuttering mess of embarrassment and adoration for her.

“I’m so sorry. I’ve been..very into you this whole time too.” You finally admit it.

“You’re adorable, truly you are. I love you but for FUCK’S SAKE, (Y/N)!”

[a-memory-a-distant-echo]

ok, i'm being so brave and making the rec post that i told anon i would do like three days ago.

the obligatory caveats. this is not comprehensive—i haven't read all the fic in this fandom, and i've barely looked at anything not in english. my reading habits are pretty broad—i'll read almost any pairing, and am generally willing to suspend my disbelief to do so. i am not usually an au person, though this fandom is doing its absolute damndest to prove me wrong on that point.

also i have…more…fics that i felt i should rec somewhere, so probably this is rec post one, but ten felt like enough and also saying things in public where people can hear me is, it turns out, absolutely excruciating. please no one be mean to me about this post, especially if you wrote one of these fics, because if you are i will simply fill my pockets with rocks and take to the sea, ok? ok.

excited to find out what i manage to do that ruins the formatting, links the wrong fics and/or people, or otherwise breaks things in this post. please tell me if i've fucked up, or if your fic is on this list and you would rather i keep your name out of my mouth, or whatever.

first, a very special mention to the mlc reference guide by @yletylyf. this is such an incredibly comprehensive and generous resource. you want a timeline for this show that does an incredibly poor job of maintaining its own timeline? it's here. you want episode summaries? they're here. you want all the people and places? they're here. if you're writing fic, you want this guide, because it's so much easier and faster than scanning episodes or subs files to figure out the name of one specific guy or whatever. it also means that at least occasionally you work on the thing rather than accidentally rewatching the same scene five times, or hypothetically watching two to four episodes without even really thinking about what you're doing. the reference guide is the unsung mvp of fandom.

beyond porch and portal, difanghua, teen, by willowdream. this is the vampire au that i didn't know i wanted? the author posted it and their note was like 'i'm trying to be the change i want to see in the world,' and i was like ok sure, i'm not really convinced that the change i need is vampire aus, but i'll give it a go, and then i did and was like, oh shit, i'm eating fucking glass about this vampire au, i'm chewing on my own fucking fingers, i'm so fucking normal about this, i need another hundred thousand words of this and also seventeen more vampire aus in my inbox by monday morning. i literally finished reading it and scrolled right back to the top to read it again. i have no idea why this fic hits so hard, but it took me out at the knees. the voices are perfect. something about it is just impossibly compelling.

不安的遠離，再无歸期 | restless distance, without return, fang duobing/qiao wanmian, mature and teen, by @difeisheng. this is technically two fics but they're short and you should read both of them because they're such a brutal, perfect encapsulation of grief, and a really beautiful acknowledgement of the ways that fang duobing and qiao wanmian can be read as reflections of each other, separated by a decade, and it just fucking guts me. i dunno. it's about the grief! it's about the yearning! it's about someone who understands parts of you that you wish didn't exist! i think i've reread this like once a week for the last six weeks and i feel like it gets overlooked because it's not A Ship but like. it could be. it should be.

dance the silence down, fanghua and feihua, explicit, by @momosandlemonsoda. this fic. ugh. ok. i'm breaking my own rules. i had two when i started writing this post: no works in progress, and no reccing things that i haven't left a comment on, like a goddamn grownup. this one fic is breaking both of those rules and i feel bad about it and will hopefully spend like, all day tomorrow just commenting on every chapter or something, but i have to do this. this fic is so good. this fic ruins me. this fic is 63k, still a work in progress, and also if i were losing the whole internet tomorrow and i got to keep one fic in all the world and it was the only fic i could have for the rest of time, it might have to be this one, even as a work in progress. i ignored this fic for so long—by which i mean probably two of the four months since i first watched mysterious lotus casebook—because i was like, i don't like aus, and i especially don't like rock star aus. (or sex work aus, and you're never gonna fucking believe what else this author is writing and what else i absolutely cannot get enough of—this is a sneaky bonus rec for all i wanna do is wrong, another fic that i feel so so so normal about!) but then i was like okkkkkkk but. maybe i'll try it. people seem to be nuts for it. and then i read it and i was like OH HOLY SHIT PEOPLE ARE FULLY CORRECT TO BE ABSOLUTELY UNHINGED ABOUT THIS and normally, honestly, i wouldn't bother posting a rec like this because it's like 'oh haha have you read the five most popular fics in this fandom?' and it feels so redundant, but i know for a fact that a friend of mine who finished watching the show yesterday is reading this post, and even if everyone else has read it, she has not! anyhow as a former music person and a former diner cook, this fic like. i don't know. i feel like it broke me but also fixed me? i literally criticise writing professionally and every time i try to talk about this fic i find myself speechless because it's so perfect to me. i am deeply unwell about this fic. every time a new chapter comes out i sit down and read the whole thing again, yes, all sixty-thousand-plus words of it. some nights you go to bed and you're like 'what's the fucking point?' and then you're like 'no wait, there will eventually be more of dance the silence down,' and somehow that makes things suck a tiny bit less. my wife has made me take out like six sentences from this rec because they're too intense and too weird about it but i need you to understand: you have to read this fic.

in this dream, there is a lover to share this life with, fanghua, g, by @lianhuajing. alternative ending for the end of episode 27, in which li lianhua—precious man who has yet to discover a hill he's not willing to die on—apologises to fang duobing the only way he knows how, and it's wildly upsetting for everyone (but it's ok and it doesn't end miserably, no one panic). this is a delightfully angsty treat, and i love how conflicted fang duobing is in it—i feel like it's not something that i've seen explored a lot, but this poor boy really fuckin goes through it—his best friend and his childhood idol are the same person but are lying to him about it, and his dad's not actually his father and has been lying to him about it, and his best friend/childhood idol may have killed his father, and—yeah, is lying to him about it. like? someone give this poor man a hug and a cup of tea and a snack and a blankie. i love that we get to see some of his internal conflict in this.

quintessence of dust, feihua, teen, by justthereforit. this plays with one of my very most favourite tropes in the world, which is the one where the heart is a physical object and a physical form of trust and control and surrender and—like. this is so good. it's set in episode 13, which is, for me, one of the absolute peak angst points, and it absolutely nails it. di feisheng who's upset and vulnerable and frustrated and angry, li lianhua who knows he's going to die and can't bear the thought that he's going to take anyone else down with him, and they're both just so fucked up. chef kiss. i love it when everyone is emotionally wrecked and continually like 'ok no, i can take one more knife in my soul to protect someone else', and this absolutely delivers on that.

under moonlight, we change our futures yet again, feihua, explicit, by @thesilversun. the wedding room! obviously we have to have a wedding room fic, right? i'm not going to lie: i'm willing to suspend a lot of disbelief for wedding room fics, but in this one, it's actually a wonderfully, horrifyingly plausible setup. it walks a really fine line of keeping people in character, and acknowledging the inherent horror and seriousness of the situation, and also providing some desperately hot sex, and also managing to get the emotional beats of it, too. it has a sequel, which imo really has to be read as the conclusion to this fic, and it's just as good. it's possible that some of what i'm saying here is 'i love vulnerable-inside crusty-outside di feisheng' but like. i do. i love it so much.

what's sealed away, feihua, teen, by @bbcphile. AMNESIA FIC yessssss, a-fei my beloved, fics that handle brain damage/memory issues/amnesia well my beloveddddd. i love the a-fei arc, but i also have had a number of brain injuries and some other stuff that means that my own memory is…not so great, so i sometimes really struggle with how often amnesia in fiction is played off either as nothing to worry about or as a funny thing where everyone's in on the joke except the person who has amnesia. this fic is a great and sometimes very visceral exploration of a horrifying experience, and a really fantastic study of a-fei/di feisheng as a character, as well as the relationship that he has with li lianhua. a-fei trying to balance the trust he has in the sense memory of his body with his understanding of his relationship with li lianhua with li lianhua's reaction to—everything, really—is really well done and wonderful/terrible to read.

我只愿面朝大海 | i wish only to face the sea, g, by foreverstudent. ok so you wanna fuck yourself up some more? go read this. this is canon divergence from episode 39, and fang duobing has learned too well the lessons he's been taught, and sees the shape of things before li lianhua ever touches the wangchuan flower—so he sets about making sure that he won't be able to throw it away. this is agonising and gorgeous and maintains the canon relationships while developing the narrative differently. i wept literal tears. i was like 'ok that's it the worst part is over!' and then i remembered that there was another part coming and then i started crying. anyhow, it is—as ever, with me—about the devotion.

我住長江頭, 君住長江尾 -- i live upstream, you live downstream, fanghua, teen, by @rimbaudofficial. ok so this is Not a fic that i should like, because i am a massive academic failure and despite being in my forties have regular nightmares about having to re-engage with academia for like. any reason. HOWEVER. as noted, i read indiscriminately, even when i'm like 'reading this is a terrible idea and will be upsetting for me personally!', so i was like 'well, how bad of an idea can it possibly be?' and then instead! it was. incredibly charming? it was so fucking cute? the fang duobing characterisation in this is somehow just perfect to me—he's simultaneously confident and vulnerable, and also just so deeply committed to the weird clueless guy who he's decided is meant for him. di feisheng and li lianhua have a perfect weird-bros friendship. i would read another ten chapters of this and i would love it.

[unolvrs]

The way you write canon characters to not be ooc is insane to me. The way everything flows has me banging my hand against the wall from the sheer beauty of your writing. Is there a process or a trick you do to help understand a character you write? I’ve been having issues writing more complex characters *cough cough* jjk & csm characters *cough cough*. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you for the hard work with all of your fics!

AVOIDING OOC HOW-TO!

omg thank you so much?? i am literally gonna cry because i write character-driven stories more than plot-driven so you saying that makes me feel so good right now i will cry.

but the way i think about it is like, if you're doubting something the character is doing, then you're probably doing it wrong. the most recent chapter of froggie was completely different from what it was supposed to be originally. and the reason for that change is because the characters were entirely very, very much ooc. i hate just thinking about it, ugh.

anyway, i'm not really sure if there's a trick to it? i like to think whether or not the character was originally written in a complex way in the original media, i still write them with the intention of their being complex. but instead of being complex, i think it's more writing them as humans. i honestly don't know. i've always been a socially aware and insecure kid so i pick things up easily, so i might not have the best answer to give you.

but if i really think about it, just consume as much media about them as possible and put yourself in their place in a somewhat of a method acting but not way. whether or not you think they're about to do something bad, just go with it as long as you feel like it's accurate. or, you can write them in a way you don't actually write their character.

for example, in my among dawn flowers (the face of god), we see gojō from the perspective of the main character so how the main character describes gojō might not exactly be how gojō actually is but just a surface-level observation from the character. the main character might see gojō doing this for what she thinks is because of that, but in gojō's head, he's doing it because of a different reason. keeping a character from a distance helps a lot and making your character overthink their character also adds some psychological spice that makes the story look more complex and interesting.

but if you want it to be more ingrained in the character's perspective like what i did in sunday without god where it's entirely in nanami's pov, make him focus on what you already know: aka your character. make your character do this and that but don't write in a way that you're leading specifically what you want to happen. i think the hard thing about writing fanfics is that the characters you're writing aren't yours. that's why instead of usually leading up to what you want to happen, you're going to use what the character would realistically do then adjust your story to their decisions.

you can't really just choose to write a canon character in a way that serves you because that would just end up OOC. writing fanfiction, in my opinion, is adjusting to what the canon character would do while maintaining the essence of your plot.

but if you're writing strictly canon characters with no interactions with OCs, then all i can say is yes, consume as much media about them and it might not be a nice advise, but restrict yourself. the character isn't yours so you can't just go running off and make up things that aren't really true. consider it in a behavioralist perspective: with every action you have to consider their past, present, and future, most especially the past and their backstories because backstories always affect present actions and future aftermaths.

IN SUMMARY:

treat them as humans and not just as one-dimensional characters!

if you're really struggling to write the character, don't write them! write around them through keeping it from an outside perspective from a character you know or make the canon character react to a character you know / something you're familiar with.

consume as much media, read fics that you like and do not like about them and figure out why you think so!

that's all i could think of hehehe <3

according to my friend whom i also asked in passing: "writing a canon character is already considered personal interpretation." and i was like ooh? that's true.

[orbmanson7]

Worried about this assessment, firstly because it's probably just round one, secondly because I don't truly know how much this will cost until it's all done, and thirdly because it could still be completely pointless as I don't need a diagnosis for anything

But also because my symptoms have so many exceptions and strings attached

Like, eye contact, for instance

Fucking hate it, if I try to maintain eye contact with someone, it's extremely difficult to focus on what they're saying/doing because I'm thinking about how I need to maintain eye contact, thinking about keeping my eyes straight forward, thinking about making sure both eyes stay in proper focus, and also trying to ignore the vague burning sensation that I always get

Now, I'd say that's probably a symptom of autism, the struggle to maintain eye contact, despite there being multiple actual reasons, right?

Except, I was born with two lazy eyes. My right was surgically corrected at age 3, and my left was the one I learned to control with my mom's help. She consistently would get in my face and snap her fingers in front of my eyes and tell me "eyes forward" if I wasn't looking with both eyes forward to appear 'normal'. She did this long after the eye patches were no longer needed, she jokingly still does it TO THIS DAY, the other day she saw me in the backseat of the car while we were headed somewhere and snapped her fingers because I was only using one eye to look out the window. I'm fucking 32 years old, I can use my damn eyes whatever way I want!!

To this day, I have an automatic response to look forward with both eyes whenever I hear people snap their fingers, and even with that, I am awful to photograph because I can only mimic both eyes looking forward normally to a certain extent. If I were to take a selfie or be in a group shot, it's very clear that one eye is on target and the other is slightly off.

It's not like that's the end of the world, but when you put this situation into an autism assessment, it can very easily sully shit up.

Like, I worked very hard as a child for years to make sure I maintained eye contact, even though it has always sucked and still does. I learned to do that, and continued to practice even as I got older, since my mom would make me practice job interviews or force me to socialize because she thought it'd help me "grow out of it" but it didn't. All this has done is taught me what I needed to do to appear as put-together as possible, and even though I still hate it and dread it all the time, at least I know what I'm supposed to do to get by.

Now, I work in the mental health field, so I know that this is just masking. I figured out what needed to be done to appear normal and I did it, and it was repeatedly reinforced so that I kept doing it, always.

And NOW, I'm expected to have a symptom like this that could easily indicate autism or something else, but...

It could be autism that wasn't caught at an early age,

Or it could be a learned behavior due to childhood circumstances,

Or it could be trauma-related,

Or it could be some type of neurodivergency that's being masked,

Or it could literally be all of those combined, or none of them at all.

And that's just ONE very common symptom! There's a hundred other issues I won't even mention, but it's ridiculous.

And I don't have the time to really think on all of it, either. Being all anxious because of last night isn't helping, working all night and trying to distract myself isn't helping, and then realizing I'm fucked even though I find a diagnosis mostly pointless but my current therapist wants me to do it to make things easier, but I doubt it would make anything easier...

Just

Ugh.

[bulbabutt]

yooooooo all i do lately is vent vent vent uhhh

itsssss really annoying to feel traumatized over shit that doesnt actually matter at all but you cant feel like a person who functions cuz of it

like. mkay, few years ago i did a stupid thing which was uh. pre coming out but post taking testosterone tell this girl ('girl' she was older than me, im an adult but sos she) i that i was trans. then that i had a crush on her. like a fucking idiot, i was like 'girl pretty girl nice maybe i can finally have something'

and the thing was like. we had this lax fucking job that didnt matter, we were both basically running this shitty lil store nobody came in for the christmas season. and like i had admitted id never done anything, but i should have noticed it was gonna be weird quicker, cuz while she was understanding of like 'ok yeah youre a dude i get that' it was. hmm. it wasnt really like she felt like that, and she didnt notice so much that shit she would say hurt my feelings. like this was so unserious honestly, but uh the thing abt taking t in your mid 20s is youre like... right im... im going through a literal puberty and being stupid as a teenager. im bad with expressing my feelings normally cuz of that.

anyway. it was a fling really. it was stupid and shouldnt have happened, and it probably hurt me more than i thought, but she got like... jealous of one of the employees who id known from a prev job... who to me was like. literally a child (cuz like, id known her since she was) and that made me feel so weird, cuz i was like ?? why the hell would i be thinking about her like that i havent done ANYTHING that would make you think that. and hello i only said i liked you ? but then i guess the age gap was the same in her eyes and so that might have been why she thought that. but like pfft if youre ~25 dating a ~30 yr old its whatever thats normal. going the other way gets weirder ESP if uh. HELLO i was this kids boss?? that was so weird that she felt like that. i guess cuz i was just better at getting along w people younger than me, as someone who isnt a TRUE millennial, someone whos pop culture references lean gen z or whatever. idk i just know kids like my vibe for some reason. there was NEVER anything else going on i was just... being chill? but that was enough to cause jealousy.

but like yeah theres only so many 3 weeks in 'i dont think this is a good idea i think im bad for you' texts you can get before you just go 'yeah you know what i dont wanna do this anymore actually thats fine no hard feelings'

but i tend to be a person who just cant socialize with people for long periods of time, i ghost people a lot, i dont have a history of having friends i dont know how to maintain relationships, but also i really didnt want to at this point. i felt really gross about it and embarrassed for putting myself out there and admitting a secret about myself.

anyway next year rolls around and i see her at the next job season and she tells me she and another coworker found my tiktok page (cuz shit forcibly adding your contacts IS THE DEVIL) and uh. she had to explain to said coworker that i was trans. which. felt like shit. obviously. i was still not out.

anyway THAT person was a piece of shit who talked down to me and acted like i was terrible at my job and brought aLL the personal shit up as if i had ever trusted HER with any of it. like using my new chosen name in texts and shit to call me out for nothing. i had to give her a fucking 'excuse me, you dont get to call me that i never fucking told you that and its WEIRD that you think you get to call me that just cuz you invaded my privacy.'

she literally told both my bosses about all my private shit with this girl. like all that stupid bullshit about how we had dated and it didnt go well, she spread my private shit. and like... it all... ugh. like i got told by said bosses 'hey. none of what she said is important at all dont even worry about it.' and i really appreciated that. but that year was so bad for me, i felt like i was being watched like everything i did was being misconstrued. everything blew up so fast if there was something sma,, and it was 100% that person making it worse.

next year i just came out finally just was like. yeah alright. got a beard now, had my tits removed, might as well. and everyone was chill. personal beef spreading bitch didnt come back (the bosses were glad of that) shit was chill. was on friendly terms with "ex" being normal, never had any beef that year. was very much a 'the beef we had the previous year was this bitch egging her on'. i was partially running store. everything was fine i thought.

next year. as it turns out? was not asked to help run store that year. was very confused, there was a slot to fill that no one else could and i wasnt asked to do it. instead they had this absolute bigot who made everyone and i mean EVERYONE who worked there so uncomfortable, abusive language bigoted talk, wouldnt let people leave if they were sick ass piece of shit.. yeah he got the job. and everyone complained, but hes friends with the boss so whatever.

anyway reached my wits end. quit mid season. was fine, i was moving anyway, it was whatever.

you know why i wasnt asked to have that job? cuz the ex. for some reason without thinking, said 'yeah ill come back but i dont want him to be in charge after last year'. and she... never told me there was any problem. and that hurt me so bad. like talking to other people who were there, it all seemed like... okay, i was good at my job and would just.. act like a boss and not a friend sometimes. like be the guy going 'hey can you like. go do __ i need to count the till i dont have time to hear your funny joke rn'. and she took it personally. like its fine if youre sensitive to stuff, but i was under so much stress a lot and i dont always handle it well.

and that beef she had that she didnt tell me about turned into me losing a job, losing my sanity, feeling utterly betrayed and forcing everyone else who worked there to deal with the biggest pos as a boss with no repercussions. i heard from people post quitting i was being talked shit about by my prev bosses TO the employees. for the crime of... complaining about a bigot. who was misgendering me, being racist to other employees, making the teens feel unsafe to be around. like this was a SCREAMING old man kind of shit.

and all because the ex, initially, made a comment about not wanting me to be in charge. and i just... i really dont even know what i did. it was so underhanded. and when i asked her about it, she just said 'no i didnt say i WOULDNT work under you i just said i HOPED you wouldnt be in charge, and weeks later i asked why you werent in charge' but like??? no. you literally said something that cost me a job. you did. theres no taking that back, you didnt tell me any beef you had with me, you clearly equated job stress with personal stress. you cost me a job! YOU did that you set off a chain of events! and like i cant even begin to explain how much i helped her with shit at jobs. like i kind of took all the responsibility but we were both being paid the same. i would get called every day by her being confused by things while i was at home and help walk her through shit. it was fine, i was stressed but i was fine i never held it against her!

and she like. blew up that entire shit. that whole job i loved got blown up cuz i thought i trusted a person. like was it entirely her fault? obviously not. but that kind of shit.. it just hurt. the idea that i trusted her with my own shit years ago, then time and time again that blew up in my face until i just cant look back at any of it happily anymore makes me so upset. 8 years of a job i loved w a friend, and it all got ruined cuz i said 'hey by the way, im trans' and that spiralled into something stupid.

and i havent had a job since for SOOOOOOME REASON..... i sit at home doing fuck all cuz i cant stand the idea of being around anybody again. i dont trust anybody. i dont feel safe talking to people, being in public, having a job... its so stupid and i hate everything.

also the whole. got clocked and almost punched had my 6 ft brother not been standing near me at the time thing. so now i am uh. just completely agoraphobic.

anyway. sorry i am just in a bad place lately.

[15-lizards]

ASOIAF American highschool AU bc I want them to suffer

-Jon is that guy you see in the hall all the time and he’s super cute but then you talk to him and he’s just. The most pretentious asshole you’ve ever met. He’s better than you bc he takes AP classes btw. And he’s on the basketball team but he’s brooding so he barely has any friends

-Dany is a little FREAK ugh I love her. She’s a GSA officer and wears weird clothes and cat ears to school and everyone makes fun of her but she’s the nicest person ever. Very passionate ab her special interests. super smart too like no one can say that she isn’t top of class

-Sansa is the nice popular religious girl who likes to make cookies for people. She’s like condescending nice though and is sweet to the losers mostly out of pity. Obsessed with Loras in a comphet way to cover her real crush on Margaery. She is on the swim team and loves to run the student council like the navy

-Arya is on the soccer and basketball team. Slightly to weird to be popular but too cool to be a loser. Kind of disruptive in class but it’s okay bc she’s funny. Definition of a low maintenance girl. Cuts her hair short and likes the way she looks in a sports bra and baggy clothes but has yet to find out what non-binary is

-Robb Homecoming King football captain you get the gist. Sincerely nice and is the one jock who’s on good terms with literally everyone in his classes. Tries his best to defend Jon (it is so hard) Has dated around but his most intense relationship is with his drug dealer burnout bestie Theon. They get jealous when the other starts dating a girl (both of them have yet to find out what bisexualism is)

-Joffrey is a grade A bitchass. He’s on the soccer or lacrosse team only because Cersei bribed the coach. No one really likes him but they hang around him anyway because he has a sick ass house and his moms hot. Thinks he’s smarter than he actually is, maintains a C- average

-Bran is that freshman you only see in khaki shorts and graphic t-shirts about bugs or some shit. Completely lives in his own world (autism slay!) and has trouble interacting with other kids. Besties with Meera and Jojen tho who just get him. Reads big ass philosophy books in his spare time

-Aegon is Dany’s cooler cousin. He’s way more popular than Jon and the two have a one sided rivalry that Jon made up in his head. Pretty nice to other people but he thinks he is such hot shit. His superiority complex is kinda crazy

-Theon graduated last year but still hangs around campus. Goes to Robb’s football games and sells drugs under the stands. “Where’s my hug at” guy. Drives a beat up Honda civic that’s on its last legs. Has multiple misdemeanors on his record. Robb thinks he can fix him

-Loras is Robb’s teammate who’s also mister popular. Already has a scholarship to a D1 school and is every teachers favorite (he takes advantage of this to skip class). Smart but doesn’t really try that hard in class. A classic DL gay guy who is in a situationship with grad student Renly after lying about his age on grindr

-Davos is everyone’s favorite History or English teacher. Gets invested in the students wellbeing. Gay kids LOVE him, he never can have a lunch period to himself those kids who are looking for a father figure are always eating lunch in his classroom. Has a loving wife and kids but is down bad for the eternally suffering Vice Principal Stannis

-Robert is the football coach and in most American schools you have to be a teacher to be a coach so he probably teaches health or sex Ed or some shit. Half asses his classes so he can go over film with his football players instead. You can hear him yelling from across campus. He is so loud

-Stannis is the vice principal who absolutely no one likes except Davos. Even the teachers don’t respect him. Has wanted to be principal for years but keeps getting fucked over by administration. Wants to move to a different school district so he can get a pay raise but the sexy Spanish teacher Mel is trying to convince him to blackmail the school board instead

-Tywin the principal. Used to be a AP US history or AP economics teacher but then discovered that he hated kids so he bullied and bribed his way into the principal position. Kids run when they hear him in the hallway with his walkie talkie crackling and his keys jangling. Lets Joffrey get away with everything bc he’s the principals grandson

-Cersei as the head of the school board. Always shoveling funds to her kids school instead of any of the other ones in the school district. Probably is in some sort of tax evasion or bribery scandal that Tywin is trying to cover up. Number one passive aggressive hater on Facebook

[birchblood]

had the shocking realization that i am more depressed again (it's hard for me to recognize dips and crests in it as i've been struggling with deep depression my whole life). ugh. i'm just so worn out. at the risk of giving too much personal info on here i've been struggling more than usual, in particular since the fall where i was impacted by a mass shooting, and then in january my grandfather passed away and my grandmother (other side of family) decided to go on the warpath against me less than like 4 days after he died and it would have been quicker had i returned her call the day after. since then i've been really struggling w a resurgence in my eating disorder and i've just been overwhelmed the past 2 months. i'm just so tired all the time and really don't have much emotional support from others aside from my therapist, and it's hard. a friend came to visit 3 weeks ago and it was really fun but it's hard for me to talk around all the messed up stuff in my life because a) no one can deal w it tbh and as a result, b) i can't take any more emotional rejection from opening up. like it's just too much for other people. i was doing a little better w food and then it got worse again and i'm just done. i don't feel well, and haven't read for like 2 weeks or watched a movie which is how i know i'm depressed, and haven't wanted to make any art either which is also how i know, and letting my apartment get messy which is another indicator. sometimes it's hard for me to catch because i don't necessarily have the super obvious indicators like slipping in personal hygiene etc and still run daily and have a normal sleep schedule and maintain a "normal" mood/presentation. i also think i have low level depression most of the time so it's not like 0 to 60. and the low level depression is very manageable, so then i don't even consider myself depressed even though clinically i very much am, so then i don't really wonder if i am getting more depressed ever and wonder what is going on when literally i have been struggling w bad depression for ages.

i'm also really struggling w my feelings for someone and how they interact w trauma that's soooo deeply rooted. i don't like being personally transparent about it on here but if you see what i post about the most i'm sure you'll get the idea. the idea of being in a relationship with them is incredibly appealing to me, like i wouldn't want one rn with anyone else, but also really scary as i spend a lot of time keeping people at arms length because that's the only way i can easily maintain relationships without bolting. but i really really like them. and then that whole situation is messed up too and i'm worried i like them for trauma related reasons. but if i don't like aspects of the situation (age difference mainly), and wish it were different maybe it's not coming from a dysfunctional place. i really like them because aside from being attracted to them they've displayed an ability to be alongside what's happened to me in a way that made me feel like a whole person, while also being extremely cognizant of the violence i've been the victim of, and not making it about them at all. they're literally the first and only person who has treated me like that.

i don't know.

[selamat-linting]

last night, a little homestuck before bed and :

-i dont think i can maintain the facade of composure or coherence anymore. this is five seconds before john find several people brutally slaughtered, including his own dad, and he himself get stabbed to death. look at him! look at how silly this child is. my zillyhoo son, its unfair theyre piling up all this shit to you.

-i get why rose went grimdark tbh. things are pretty bad out there. it fucks me up that she's like, taking over the suicide mission. and how awful it is that she'd gone off the deep end that she looked at her parents dead body and only think of killing. something i noticed between the two light players is that theyre always burdening themselves with the hard, difficult tasks alone even though the team wanted it to be done as a group effort. its commendable but not always a good thing.

-its pretty funny that the kids with shitty guardians' have a wildly contrasting reactions to their dead parents like

dave, at the beginning of story : my bro is the coolest guy ever

dave now : huh. he's dead. okay. time to use the sword lodged in his chest as a trampoline! sweet loot. i love not getting knifed in my apartment

rose, at the beginning of the story : my loathsome mother and her penchant for the devil's drink!!!!!

rose, now : i should've looked out for her *activates rage mode*

i mean, i suppose thats appropriate but. you know how it is. poor kids, they've been through a lot. did they even have a warm meal lately? also i think bro is kinda handsome and i understand his fascination with puppets. i too, read a tentacle dick spamton fic as a lark and becomes genuinely intrigued with it.

-i am in love, in love! with the format of clicking to a collage of pictures. There was just so much Shit going on and the banner have doc scratch home being burned down and snowman making out after smoking a bloodied pipe. and then jade hunting frogs with dave. it would have been adorable to see these kids finally meeting each other for the first time if the world wasnt going to do a hard reset.

-fuck it. an AU. kids being kids. no sburb no tragedy. theyre just online friends. jade's grandpa is alive, he took jade into civilization often so she's not undersocialized and knows how to function if she wants to live a normal life. and as a birthday gift he took all of her friends to the island as a surprise for her 13th birthday. they spend the day catching frogs and playing paintball. and then at night, rose and jade urge everyone to try lucid dreaming. none of them made it because theyre all too busy making fun of john's movie selection. dave is beatboxing over squiddles music. and then right in the middle of their playing, a ship crash landed to the island. it was the trolls.

-uhhghgghghhh i need to see. an animatic. of jade and dave's fight. with bec noir. look at all the moves theyre making it would have been one hell of a fight and we were robbed of a proper flash with boisterous music! space time vs omnipotence lets fucking go!

-speaking of vriska, wow she really is giving her all in these pages. her last stand with jack. the enemy she took part in creating. she knew she was going to die and done her best asking out literally everyone alive. and the best/worst thing is, everyone accepts. terezi literally came to her with all the rp outfit they used to do. and, i know i should be shocked but im just laughing at karkat showing up late with the sloppy makeout note. And she gave the cutest most adorable date proposal to john like, ugh its cute teenage puppy love! yes, i think they'd go well together. I dunno, maybe its my kimharry enjoyer heart speaking, but i think characters who'd done terrible violence should be with someone who only met them after they strived to be someone better, or at least a blank slate. that way, they get a fresh start and can focus on improving instead of getting distracted with hurt feelings and old wounds. also i am not burdening terezi, aradia, tavros, and all of the kids she personally maimed with All of That tbh. unless they want to ofc.

-anyways, here is the updated vriska relationship chart

matesprit -> still, the poster of nicholas cage in con air, or karkat if youre so inclined to imagine a world where she makes out with karkat before fighting terezi. gross lol.

moirallegiance -> john, full stop. her relationship with terezi needs some peace time before coming back into pale redrom

kismesis -> terezi. im FROTHING at the mouth thinking at the tragedy of their relationship. this is some intergenerational trauma shit, some wicked codependency junk, like the cuno and his buddy C. its the real shit fa- (okay i should stop speaking like cuno before i embarras myself)

-also. WHY WAS IT A JUST DEATH! im hitting the clock im destroying it with jack. fuck you fuck you so much. Doc scratch fix the clock so it gives me what i want or i'll burn your house! asshole!

-im curious about the sprites. i hope they find a way to be relevant again. i've always think theyre awesome and has more info that could have been beneficial for the kids.

-all in all, i give this homestuck liveread and overall rating of what the fuck what the fuck ohhhhh ohhh my fucking godd imma read this again motherfucker

[jillepathy]

5.1.23

My partner ask me to please process day 1 of code camp so I can tell them about it over dinner (without my many tangents into the mildly interesting but ultimately unnecessary details).

So this is the version with the tangents.

Initial thoughts > way newer than I thought it was with the first code camp taking place in 2018 for a primarily cust ops branch in Portland, Oregon that wanted to expand into software development after hiring a few engineers

^ literally me the first time I met a software engineer I was like huh cool and now I’m like oooohhhhh cooooolllllll the internet ! I wanna do that too

…

Anyways week 1 guy is a systems engineer (not a software engineer) seems like a fancy title for like building manager ? But specifically involving storing data… it’s kind of giving Big Query a little bit but also physical (kind of giving librarian?! )

The focus seems to be on building and maintaining relationships (my greatest struggle as an autistic person) and the idea that learning is nonlinear (knew this already!)

The learning curve is steep and you don’t need to know computer science to learn programming (I’m pretty lucky already having general knowledge of how the internet works bc of the info sci and data science classes I took)

Luckily, a lot of Barb’s friends already do programming … Henri said they know how to GitHub if I need help but the pace of the class seems kind of slow compared to grad school -not sure if I’ll need to ask them since all the instructors are very approachable plus I’m learning together with Su so I’ll probably try and brainstorm with them first before branching out

It’s all other employees volunteering to share their knowledge (it’s low key giving libraries ?! )

I feel like everyone is pretty nice. I forgot to say my pronouns I was so nervous 😩 but seems like quite a few queer people involved

We’re going to be working on a project (not sure if it’s a team project or we each have individual projects )

One of the instructors (hes giving autism for sure) said they sunsetted his hack week project but that he really valued it

We’re creating something but it’s not from nothing (history degree jumping out), it’s from the work of many many contributors who came before us

I would love to see more of an app focused on the physical experience of people especially as remote work kind of removes us from physical space (not really though since we all physical beings)

Ugh this is me going off on my many processing tangents

I Guess i would say it actually seems easier than I thought it would be (shoutout to Dr Oakleaf for giving me the WORST 2 classes of my life the bar is literally in hell thanks to you, appreciate you)

It’s like way more diverse than grad school too which is a big reflection on SQSP that I’m into

It’s way smaller than I thought which is honestly really nice I feel like it won’t be toooooo hard to remember everyone after 5 weeks working together

Yeah this is just a jumping off point

A lot of review, some bad jokes / programming humor and introductions

Me and Su are the only people from Tock but there is one guy from Acuity

Can’t believe Isa called me a nerd for this! The whole reason I wanted to break into tech was to get into software development

And they said themselves this is forging a path for a career in software development

My dreams are really coming true 🥲

It’s hard for me to acknowledge and accept

The hw for week 1 was to ask for help. I definitely already did that since I was having access issues.

For week 2…? Is it the Read Me? Idk how to GitHub … yet…but I suppose I’ll find out tomorrow

Yeah so it was nice, it was about 20 people, about 6 of them instructors/TAs but all of them other employees

Everyone seems pretty excited and it definitely FEELS pretty exciting to me.

Im excited and nervous and scared but also really happy and really proud of myself.

I am learning what i want to learn and I feel like I can be my whole self doing it.

Pretty neat!!!

I’ll tell Barb the first day was pretty abstract but overall there is a feeling of genuine care and excitement for the whole program - it’s literally run by volunteers. The instructors are senior employees who value mentorship and have been both mentor and mentee. There’s an emphasis in collaboration and partnership.

I guess at the end of the day it’s kind of like how the number one indicator for longevity in your career is having friends to work with.

Yeah basically it seems more chill somehow than I thought. There’s hw but it’s like “ask for help” like ? I can do that.

I e been so nervous since this is the first class I’m doing since I dropped out of grad school.

But I’m in a way better position than I was.

I Can do this.

Let’s gooooo!!!!!

[borathae]

For all those that have complained about the plot right now about how Tae is getting pushed aside; let me introduce the scenario of the burning house.

You have a neighborhood, right. All the houses are nice and maintained and everything is peaceful in the neighborhood. Then, omg! a Fire! One of the houses in your sweet, little neighborhood has caught fire. All attention and effort must be directed towards that one house in the neighborhood to put the fire out. It doesn't mean the other houses are any less important, but right now this how is literally on fucking fire and we have to save it. Yoongi is the house on fire right now.

With all that said. This chapter is heartbreaking 💔 you're telling my Taehyung found reader literally d*ying in the hallway?? Ugh I cried so hard when she said she finally felt nothing 😭

Fuck Namjoon (MV Namjoon, irl Namjoon is a sweet baby angel). We've got to find his weak spot and torture ain't it boo. Can reader try the device/spell that might turn Namjoon into a human or is it too dangerous for her to wield? She could test it out on one of his followers.

I love Jungkook 💕💕💕💕 He's like let's go get some answers and get our Yoongi back. My question is how come they haven't reached out to Meredith yet in the first place?

OOOOH DAAAAAMN 😲 that's such a good analogy fjadsj thank you so much for sending this in fandfs this is genuis and I didn't even think of it this way. But I do highly agree with you 10/10 best analogy 💅🏻

you're telling my Taehyung found reader literally d*ying in the hallway?? Ugh I cried so hard when she said she finally felt nothing 😭

tHIS PART RIPPED ME APART 😭😭😭😭

Can reader try the device/spell that might turn Namjoon into a human or is it too dangerous for her to wield? She could test it out on one of his followers.

Sadly Yoongi never got to creating the device. As of now, it is only a spell in a book which she can't decipher without Yoongi's help. Which is why she hasn't tried to threaten him with it yet (that and she also didn't think of it yet because of how cluttered her brain is) 😭

I love Jungkook 💕💕💕💕 He's like let's go get some answers and get our Yoongi back.

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!! istfg he loves Yoongi so fucking much :( and the fact that he is all like "you and I are a team and we are gonna find a cure for him" JUST!!! HE IS SUCH A CUTIE!!!

My question is how come they haven't reached out to Meredith yet in the first place?

do you want my honest answer that I as an author decided to include this lil plothole for the sake of later plot development or do you want me to make up a very creative lie that Meredith wasn't available until now? 😶😂😂😂 but let's just go with the theory that Meredith and her coven were highly busy with coastal coven duty and therefore were unable to be contacted JFADJFJ

[clumsyclifford]

2022 Writing Evaluation

hi i dug this up from the archives of this time last year because it was fun to do and i wanted to give other writers a chance to reflect if they’re so inclined! so here is my 2022 writing self-evaluation. point of order, i’m mostly filling this out specifically for my bellawritess ao3 and all the rpf stuff i write, not my other secret ao3 where i put fics written about fictional media. okay, onward. 

1. number of stories posted on ao3: 23!

2. word count posted for this year: 117,763

3. fandoms i wrote for: 5sos, atl, and 1d (but also teen wolf, mcu spiderman, hawkeye, and daredevil)

4. pairings: cake, lashton, malum, jalex, narry, halex (you know that very popular harry styles/alex gaskarth ship), and mirry.

5. story with the most kudos/bookmarks/comments: the answer to all three of these criteria is a change of heart and a silver lining, my winter 2021-22 fic exchange fic, which makes me very happy. i cannot believe that fic was from last year, january feels like forever ago but i love love love that specific work so much, in large part because of how much i was able to tailor it to meg as reciprocation for all the times and ways she tailored things to me.

6. work i’m most proud of (and why): i’m gonna say a three-way tie between (1) i got a radar for trouble (and you’re a renegade), (2) between all the gasping i finally breathe, and (3) play it again and again and again. #1 is the cruel summer prequel fic that i always half-jokingly said i would one day write and then surprised myself by actually writing, and i am incredibly proud of how well i managed to recreate the vibes of cruel summer fic but also write a prequel that made sense with the direction the actual cruel summer story took. #2 was one of the first legit fics i wrote to break myself out of this big 5sos fic slump i had been in (consequence of a perfect storm of a lot of small things), and i may have gotten lost in the metaphor sauce but i maintain that the metaphors are really fucking good which was gratifying to me as a writer who had felt like maybe i’d lost my real writing skill before then. #3 is the christmas fic i wrote for hazel, and what i’m most proud of there is that i fuckin actually wrote that. my love for my friends carried me through the warfields of attempting to romanticize christmas, and in so doing i think i actually learned something about christmas, ugh i feel like i’m getting less jewish every second i spend talking about this but i really am proud of myself for writing that and even moreso because i think i tailored it pretty well to hazel’s taste and that made me happy. it was like an extra challenge i set myself and then i did it well.

7. work i’m least proud of (and why): pretty much all the prompt fics from this year’s batch, tbh. this malum roommates one is really funny if you imagine you’re a fly on the wall of mine and megs’s dorm room but it’s the most nothing fic on the planet otherwise, and you’re my whole house is cute but again, literally nothing. unfortunately these were written while i was binge watching seinfeld which probably contributed to how much they were About Nothing but that’s no excuse.

8. share or describe a favorite review you received: i’m super terrible at remembering comments and stuff that people leave me but a few days ago i got a comment on yssdf saying it was one of the best love stories they’d ever read and that just about knocked my socks off

9. a time when writing was really, really hard: from aboutttt february to september, which is pretty obvious when you notice that i didn’t post a fic (on this account) between march 18th and september 27th of this year. i hit that aforementioned slump in a big way and i was also busy with life stuff and i was also just. unmotivated and uninspired! but in that time i wasn’t really doing a lot of writing to struggle with. something that was actively hard to write was definitely parts of the jet lag songfic i wrote for the fest. megs and hazel both experienced various aspects of my intense battle with Plot and Characters. it was not pretty.

10. a scene or character you wrote that surprised you: luke in the muke college beach fic!!! he was so much more gutsy than (a) he’s usually written and (b) i expected him to be. and tbh, michael in that fic also kind of surprised me, although less so because he was based on a real guy i know, so it was more like trying to delve into the fictionalized mind of a real human being i go to school with and understand what it is that makes him only APPEAR to be an asshole and in reality maybe actually have a heart of gold. if that makes sense. character work but the character is based on a real person who is based on a real person. meta af.

11. a favorite excerpt of your writing: ill be the first to admit im a sucker for when there’s a song playing in the in-universe fic scene and then the lyrics tie into the moment. i have that in two fics that i can think of, so here they both are:

(1) from everywhere, everything:

Luke is trembling when he looks up at Ashton, but he only nods. Tilts their foreheads together.

Say it’s me that you’ll adore— Sinatra sings, and then there’s a scratch and a crack, and the whole record player crashes through the glass tabletop.

(the end of that lyric is “for now and evermore” !!!! HOW FUCKED IS THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

(2) from faith in a stolen car (the jean jacket songfic i just wrote for the fest):

Calum’s rumbling laugh shook both of them as Springsteen vowed I’ll love you with all the madness in my soul, and Ashton sang along in a silly voice so Calum knew he meant it with everything he had.

[and]

He turned up the music, and ‘No Surrender’ blared out of the surround sound. The lines that had been stampeding around Ashton’s brain since Calum had first swept him up in tonight’s teenage delinquency now screamed against the wind in his ears.

Ashton smiled wider than his face could handle and screamed right back.

“WE MADE A PROMISE WE SWORE WE’D ALWAYS REMEMBER,” Calum’s voice joined his, and together they beat back the deafening gales; “NO RETREAT, BABY, NO SURRENDER!”

12. how did you grow as a writer this year? this year i learned the importance of conflict. “hey bella, didn’t you learn that in seventh grade english?” YES but then i IGNORED it and now i have relearned it in a fanfiction context and in the broader sense that i now understand every story has a conflict and more than that, a story needs a conflict, because that’s what drives it. after i finished writing those prompt fics, i thought, damn, these are fun but nothing is fucking happening in any of them. i wonder why that is! and then i realized. there was no conflict. i was writing “scenes” but nothing interesting within those scenes, so there was nothing pulling the characters from point A (the start of the scene) to point B (its conclusion) and as a result they all became meandering blocks of text with no goal or direction. anyway. point being that i have embraced conflict as a necessary factor in storytelling and i hope this will mean no more seinfeldian fics, prompt or otherwise.

13. how do you hope to grow next year? yes <3 jk but i sincerely have no idea, i don’t have any current ideas on how i plan to grow next year i just very much intend to grow. how it happens is anyone’s guess

14. who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc)? gotta be a tie between megs @igarbagecannoteven and hazel @allsassnoclass. obviously megs is my #1 rubber duck roomie, whether she likes it or not, and she has helped me solve more problems than i am comfortable admitting. actually i’m very comfortable admitting it megs has untangled a myriad of fic knots on many occasions this year she is the best rubber duck in the world. and hazel has become my virtual rubber duck which is great because it means i have all my bases covered! truly these two are a dynamic duo because they will both just let me sit there and complain and yet always have the right thing to say.

15. anything from your real life show up in your writing this year? as always, a great many things. make the same mistakes ‘til the morning breaks and the muke college beach fic are both inspired by things that happened with this one guy i know from school (yes, the same guy, and yes, he is represented by michael both times, and no, i do not know why it happened like that). the latter came from just a single snap i saw on his snap story, and none of the fic is actually based on real events, but the former is HEAVILY based on real events between this guy and one of my good friends at school. lmao! 

i’ve been wishing i could breathe underwater is based on my experience scuba diving, which is to say, pure unmitigated terror, 1/10, do not recommend except to say that you did it. tequila shots from the dark scene of the crime is chock-full of baseball talk, specifically about Worst Team In Baseball the Washington Nationals (affectionate), so those feelings are straight from my heart. the concept of tell me what to see has not happened to me but it was very much inspired by my experience of getting in the habit of working out and realizing your muscles are literally increasing in size. the christmas fic has all my jewish disdain for christmas. that’s the shortlist, i think!

16. any new wisdom you can share with other writers? honestly, nope! i think other writers are thriving on their own fic journeys, as i am on mine. you guys seem to have a handle on things. i can reiterate my vehement loathing of comma splices or otherwise incorrectly-placed commas, but other than that i don’t have much to offer in the way of wisdom.

17. any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year? yes!! i am really excited to (hopefully) finish this fic ive been intermittently writing that is based on back together by tss. well, actually it’s based on the specific energy that was created in the world when back together and 2011 were released on the same night. it’s a tss!5sos au. it’s going to be really good okay. it’s tasty. and as always i hope to finish summer camp au i am dead fucking set on finishing that fic there is no question in my mind that it will be completed someday sooner rather than later i hope but definitely eventually. aside from those, i can’t think of any other fic plans i have! just gonna see where the winds of fic fate take me.

18. tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read: @igarbagecannoteven @allsassnoclass @kaleidoscopeminds @burstingsunrise @cringeycal (?) <3

[the-duckless-pond]

triggering rant below

I could totally get away with SH right now. No one is checking on me. No one gives a fuck. Further, both of my arms are covered in tattoos so I would have to do it on my legs and I haven’t worn shorts in like two decades. Truly, no one would know.

And honestly? I want to. I have wanted to for several months now. But especially now, with all my friends abandoning me and losing my steam on writing and my cat getting a terminal diagnosis. I really, really want to. So much so that I actually bought the stuff to do it about a month and a half ago. I don’t have any bandages but I have the means to actually do it.

And with how lonely I’ve been without my friends, how stressed and worried I’ve been about Boo, how anxious I’ve become about Callie’s seemingly good health… it’s the perfect storm. I honestly might. It would be throwing away a decade of progress. But… I don’t know.

I won’t try to justify it. I have coping skills that I would be actively choosing not to use. It’s just too much all at once for one person, you know? To lose all your closest friends, to basically lose your mom who you thought you were close to, and then to find out that one of the beings you care for most in the entire world is going to die and at the end of the day there is nothing you can do about it. It’s just too much all at once. And it happened to me all at once.

And I’m honestly just… tired. Exhausted. Done. I just want to relapse. Get it over with. They’d be baby cuts since I’m a wimp now. I wouldn’t even need a bandaid. I do have regular bandaids that I guess I could use if I was careful about the size. So there’s that. Honestly, I’d Instacart bandages and gauze but my building is hard to find and also it’s 11pm and I’m not going to ask someone to do that. Maybe tomorrow. Since I’m probably staying up all night and all day so that Boo can have her medicine but I can maintain my sleep schedule as much as possible.

Ugh. It’s just all too much. I really think I might end up doing it.

The worst part is I bet if I texted my bff that I wanted to SH she still wouldn’t respond. And I know she is up now because we have opposite sleep schedules. The one person that is supposed to always be there for me is ghosting me. It’s just too much. I’m going to cry again if I don’t do something about it and I hate crying.

It’s a good thing no one reads these otherwise I’d probably get reported or something. I don’t know how these things work anymore. I took a long break from tumblr and when I came back there were new rules about things like this.

Also my muffins? Sub par. I will not be buying that mix again. I wrapped them and put them in the fridge because I think I might feel differently later or they will taste better cold, but I am prepared to toss the whole lot. So that’s another disappointment to add to the list.

Literally the only good thing I have going for me right now is that my sick cat climbed on my lap and seems happy and comfortable.

Oh well. I guess I’ll finish my decaf and then see how I feel. Maybe I’ll do it. Maybe I won’t. I probably won’t. I’ll probably just maintain status quo because I am weak and that is all I know how to do.

Sigh. I am so fucking lonely.

[kart0]

Small update plus talking about autism

I think I'll stop going to my psychiatrist ? Maybe. I got very upset cuz she asked my mom to come to our appt and my mom was just talking trash about me, and nothing very helpful. Literally just venting about how I'm not a good daughter, I don't help, I don't do anything. Which, she's not wrong I guess. She had every right to comment those things ofc, but I thought it wasn't necessary, and it really wasn't the answers the doctor was searching. And that was the whole appt. It was so useless. And dumb. I stopped taking meds anyways. I don't think I'm going to talk to her anymore. Also, it's expensive as hell. Plus, I did not notice any changes at all with the meds she prescribed. I will find a new doctor.

Anyways, I don't think I'm going to get accepted to any more cons this year. Which, although it upsets me, it kinda feels good. Maybe I am not ready yet. Feels relieving that I don't have to stress so much, but feeling this way makes me guilty. I should be trying harder shouldn't I ? Well, anyways, I will keep drawing. It just makes me feel lighter if I don't have any due dates. I can work slowly, and how much and as much as I want. It will be hard, and I will not be making any money, but at least I will be free. Thank God.

I am very excited ! I just haven't had the time to actually draw anything, which I am very sorry. Also I am sorry that I treat this blog like a journal. Since no one I know follows me here, it makes me feel alright, and happy. I always feel like I am performing somehow.

Do you ever feel like you're just fake ? Sometimes I really do feel like an alien. A robot. Something not alive, and not human, and not real. I know it's the autism, but it really sucks that I have to work harder to be able to do normal things. I struggle with communication and interacting, and making friends, and bonding, and anything relationship related. And I have to put thrice the effort to be able to do anything, really. It took me three years in university to be able to connect with my colleagues and actually make friends, without being awkward. I wish it came easier to me. I know I have good morals, and I always try to think about what's the right thing to do, but I am also a coward, and I am afraid of rejection. While I might like being alone, it doesn't help the loneliness and alienation I feel. Am I such a shut off because I really like being by myself, or am I just a coward ? I like being around friends. I like being included. I don't like when people ignore me. I want attention. I want them to SEE me. Acknowledge me.

I guess the thing that most upsets me is that it seems that no one cares. No one sees my behaviours, that I have to work so hard to maintain, and be good. Like helping people, giving suggestions, being considerate. I know I am selfish, and I have always been. And now that I am self aware, a bit too much, I work so hard to make up for it. I memorize what people like and dislike, what they would do in different situations, and I try to go with their preferences. But no one notices. Because it just comes naturally to them, I guess. I need the validation though. I wonder, do they know how much I am trying ? Or, do they know I'm trying this hard ? Do they know I am rotten inside ? Can they tell there's something wrong with me ?

I strongly believe I am not a good person. Even though I might not act like a bad one, I struggle to be good. I really do. My sister once told me, there's no point in thinking this way though. If I am doing good, I am doing good things. It doesn't matter why, or what my intentions were. The outcome was good. So it doesn't really matter if I am bad, while doing good things. That didn't really help though. It makes me feel like I'm an imposter. A wolf in sheep's clothing. And people are looking, searching and will know, once I slip up. And they will truly know, that I am bad.

Ugh. It really sucks. I really wish I could be normal. I am a natural hater. I am too selfish. I am too envious. I do not care. Maybe I care too much. I'm too self centered. I'm too much, and always not enough. How can I work with this ?

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

and honestly like.... whatever, at this point.

im sick and tired of worrying more abt them than myself

and im tired of them gaslighting and manipulating me

and im tired of them pushing all the blame onto me and making me feel like im insane for feeling this way

i WASNT a saint in our relationship!

but i very strongly maintain the fact that i only ever did things that they told me they were okay with

like. i ALWAYS stopped when they told me to

(even if i was confused bc they told me prior that they wanted me to keep doing that specific behvaior, only to backtrack n say they hated it when i did that)

like... jesus christ they rlly did just treat me in a way they never treated anyone else

nobody else that they got into a relationship with had a "trial by fire" entry

i struggled HARD in our relationship, the ENTIRE way through

like yeah part of that is my aromanticism, but a far larger part is them literally traumatizing me

i genuinely never wouldve had this reaction either if like. i hadnt

a) figured out that there was a strong timeline incongnruency (we started dating in 2014. im not crazy. im NOT crazy. their excuse of "well we were qpps beforehand" doesnt fucking matter we called each other qpps WELL into 2015 and beyond - i would know, i checked our old blogs out. also thats arophobic lol qpps are committed relationships just like romantic partners are)

b) been told that one of their current alters had left-over traits from hyde. like. i was fully convinced before this point that hyde was a spiritual alter, not an actual part of them. i was abused by hyde. he was the one alter they had that i pointed to and said that i was abused by him. they said they were abused by him too. i was intimate with that alter before i ever knew this info. im still rlly upset abt this. like. at some point, at least one of your alters KNEW. i have no clue how quickly i was told. but i just. i cant wrap my head around this lol. like wow. youre always the one preaching abt system responsibility but you have never apologized or tried to repair what hyde broke. hyde was literally a part of you. his traits are part of you. part of you hurt me so bad that i honest to god have PTSD now.

NOT TO MENTION. ari was abusive to me too tbh not even gonna like. minimize that

were they abusive in the same way as hyde? no. but they also abused me

i was never the one in control in that relationship, there was never a sense of me being the one holding more of the power

we literally joked that ari was the one who wore the pants. i was always the one changing my behavior to match their needs - it was never the other way around. they encouraged me to act yandere. they encouraged me to have no boundaries between us. literally they are the whole reason i had a scare abt possibly feeling incestuous feelings irl towards my older family members in the first place

i was literally probably at the tail end of 12 when we met, and DEFINITELY at MAX i was 13.

hyde was my introduction to bdsm, tossing me into CG/L, with me as the little. he emphasized my youth and innocence and his desire to corrupt me into a more mature sexy femme fatale type. I WAS LITERALLY THIRTEEN.

ari wanted me to be their actual mom. I WAS YOUNGER THAN THEM BY A YEAR AND A HALF? I WAS A CHILD/PRETEEN WHEN WE FIRST MET? I NEVER SHOULDVE BEEN PUSHED INTO THAT ROLE

like. being a mommy NEVER came naturally to me

not to mention me feeling like i wasnt allowed to regress or feel young around them - i never felt safe enough to

also bc ari would pitch a fit abt my child alters being out around them bc they said they were scared of children

which - fun fact - they never had that issue with our other friends

like... god. im just angry. its that feeling of like. "why can they treat other people like that but im always relegated to second best and back up?"

just. FUCK. wow

just. aughhhh

i want to know why everyone else got to see the bulk of their good side while i only ever got crumbs tossed my way

also like... ugh. idk

i dont owe them an explanation. i dont want them in my life anymore.

i already uninstalled discord off of my pc and phone

i feel a lot better bc of that

everythings on a new notes app im using now!

i just need to organize it lol

[dzpenumbra]

11/29/22

Big day. Seems like a lot of those lately. Got the conflict with my mom addressed again to clarify, with some time to reflect. We've been having this shit going on where the problem is referred to as "a communication problem" or "a miscommunication" and that usually is like... a wink and nod at me like I'm not communicating well. It really created a complex in me for a very long time, because... you know... I'm a writer... and an artist... and a musician... Communication is kinda my thing. So it kinda has always felt like throwing me under the bus, because every one of these problems (at least with my mom) are because she is not communicating something that's bothering her, not communicating plans, making assumptions or making decisions on my behalf without my consent or consultation. Or because she doesn't understand what I'm communicating and she doesn't ask any questions to clarify. This is a problem I've had with others as well, I think it's a pride thing? But also an anxiety thing. And... it's really hard to know that it's a mental health issue... and to still be like... firm about it? Because otherwise I just get scapegoated, and that's just... extremely unhealthy.

So I think we got some really important stuff communicated, namely "do not change plans or make decisions or commitments on my behalf without consulting with me, just call or text me first." It's really painful to be a 36 year old and have this problem, which is like... a problem that teenagers and college students have... I guess I just picked the wrong career, huh...

I got the internet set up to transfer over to my new place. I'm in talks to see if I can just sell my old car to the dealership and trade it in for a lease of the car that I'm renting. I have no idea if I should even own a car, to be frank. I kinda need one for vet appointments and visiting family, but if it weren't for that... I'd be really tempted to just get a OneWheel and just ride that fucker around anytime I want to go somewhere. And I mean that! On one of the drives today, I remembered that there was a pivotal moment in my life when I was ready to buy a motorcycle. It was going to be my thing. I had already done a big solo road trip, I always wanted either an old Army WWII era Jeep (which I could learn how to fix and maintain) or a motorcycle. Maybe even both. But my mom somehow convinced me to get a service dog and an SUV.

I loved my dog with all my heart, she changed my life forever - though I really wish I never saw her as a service dog, just a best friend, it took us way too many years to get to that healthy relationship - but I always look back and wonder how different my life would be if I just took the money I had saved up from streaming... Didn't give the money to my ex to pay off her debt... But instead spent it on a motorcycle. Or that old Jeep. How different of a person would I be? Is that even a life I still want? I think so, honestly. Some version, at least.

As far as the car goes, all of the repairs I'm trying to just flat-out sell the car because of - I've been waiting a week for them to even order parts, they can't even order parts right now! - all that damage came from neglect. It came from the car just sitting in the driveway and not being driven for months, years. I feel horrible. I wish I just had goddamn friends to do things with and none of this would have happened. And I really worry that this new car is just going to suffer the same fate. It really sucks, because it's like... you have to pay money on gas to go drive this vehicle literally anywhere just to spare yourself paying more money in repairs. What a fucking black hole of money. Ugh. But I'm literally moving my entire life by myself and trying to take care of an elderly cat with health problems, so... I wasn't really prepared to go fucking car shopping. If I was prepared, I'd probably get an electric. Assuming you can charge those at home? I don't know enough about those things. But yeah, I'm kinda just caught off-guard and reacting to put these fires out. My mom suggested doing a lease, then I can just like... renegotiate it if I need to. I guess that makes sense. That's the plan we're running up currently.

I took a run up to the apartment. It took me like 2 hours to pack the car, I packed it literally to the fucking brim, like I could barely even fit food in the car, it was almost air-tight. I got up in good time, didn't need to use GPS or anything. I got it all unloaded in less than 40 minutes. That's including getting a new litterbox set up in a closet and exploring what I'm dubbing the "art cave". Check this shit out. My new apartment is a loft, so its got a big common room, a staircase going up to the bedroom and in the wall at the top of the stairs is a hatch that goes into a big carpeted storage space. But this storage space is like... big enough to stand up in. And it has a light in it! So, my plan... back in college, I had a wall in my apartment that I covered in paper and I had it as basically a graffiti/mural wall that anyone who came over could draw on. I want to either do that with this space and turn it into an art cave, or try to soundproof it and turn it into a recording booth. Either way, I'm really excited to play around with that space.

I drove back, the drive went super quick. Got Taco Bell on the way back, super underwhelming. I was considering just doing the last bit tonight, making a grand total of about 8 hours of driving, but I decided to just do it in the morning. I figured it wouldn't really be fair to Max to spend like an hour packing and then put her in a crate, drive her 2.5 hours and then bring her into a brand new home at like... 1:30AM. That doesn't give her a lot of time to get acquainted with the space with me. Because I'm just going to give her her meds and pass out. So I decided to do it tomorrow, and then we can have the day to pack slowly and settle in to the new place together.

The only other thing that happened today was soaking a goat skull. That's a sentence you don't hear everyday... I'll keep this story brief if you haven't heard it before, but last summer a woman contacted me on a dating site. I had it listed on my profile that I was looking to get into more 3D mediums this year - wood, stone and bone. She said she lived on a farm in a rural area nearby and offered some bones, if I was interested. I was shocked that anyone even wanted to speak to me, this was literally a week after I put my dog down... so I just was glad to have the company. We FaceTimed for like 10 hours, told stories, bonded. Then she offered to bring some bones over and hang out the next day. I said sure. She showed up and pulled 2 5 gallon buckets full of goat bones in varying stages of decomposition out of her car and gave them to me. I was so overwhelmed with the social interest that I didn't even process what I was getting into. And now, almost 6 months later, I still have a box full of goat bones in my living room. They're too thin to work with, at least the stuff I know how to do. And I honestly just don't know their story, which makes me feel uncomfortable. I've handled dead animals before - I've had to dispose of rabbits that foxes have mangled, and a disembodied deer leg, and a dead red-tailed hawk that snapped its neck and died in my yard. These were all very solemn, respectful events. I knew what happened, I treated them honorably and it was done. But these, I just get a weird vibe from these. I can't put my finger on it. I feel bad, because I would really love to honor these animals, there's just a mental barrier there for some reason.

Today... I tried to push through the barrier, and somewhat succeeded. There were two skulls included in the bone pile. One was a bit rotted on the bottom, the other was cracked around the nasal cavity (those bones are always super fragile) but seemed to not be decomposed. It's pretty large. I was planning on carving either a mandala or just... sorta intuitive abstract designs into it, and either using it as an ornamental piece or, if I can figure out a good way to do it, an incense burner. But I'm still a little weirded out by it. And again, I can't really figure out why. Maybe it's just the memory associated with it? Maybe because it was like... a domesticated animal and not a wild animal? Like if this was a deer skull I don't think I would have these feelings at all. I don't know. Welp, either way, it's out soaking on the porch overnight, to clean it up and decontaminate anything that might be lingering on it. We'll see if this feeling passes and I feel okay carving it. Either way, I'm going to have to figure out how to get rid of these bones in a not sketchy and respectful way. I was thinking of contacting animal control and telling them the story, I bet they know what to do with animal bones. We'll see, I have some time to figure that out.

Right now, it's late so I need to go get my kitty her meds and get ready for bed. Next journal entry will be from my new place. Assuming the internet works... Fingers crossed!