#literally i need to lose myself in an insane project ever couple of days or i start getting restless

[quatregats]

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[ragnaofazure]

Characters that were, or never were.

((Hello! This is a list of characters I have actually played on or off the site (like Discord), wanted to or considered quite strongly but never followed suit to do so or whatever.))

((It will all be under read more; this is a long post! If you are interested? Have fun discovering who was in any corner of my repertoire! The list should not be that extensive! I will reblog it if I added anyone new I could recall and forgot to initially should that happen. These are mostly in some form of chronological order with added notes about what their place is with me and more.))

Yu Narukami - (Persona 4)  

Additional note: (Have to biasedly put him first at the top and say how he was my true first muse here, lasted literal years. All my experience comes from him and his blog. He reached nearly 1k followers between both regular and not safe blogs, my true labor of love lost to me deciding to deactivate the blog. Some know me from him originally! You all know who you are!))

Sal (or “Syake”/”Syake-san”) - (Wadanohara and the Great Blue Sea)

Additional note: (My first attempt at a second character and his blog did kinda work for a while, getting a lot of interactions during the original Funamusea craze back in the day. First time playing a truly well evil character and learned lots. His blog eventually died down and faded, but it was an experience I haven’t forgotten.)

Nepgear - (Hyperdimension Neptunia)

Additional note: (A standalone blog attempt again, flopped hard due to how the fandom seemed to have it’s problems on the RP side as well as my own personal reservations (met some couple of awesome people there still around me today though!). One of the most ways to trash a character by a series that had a bit of an identity crisis in the writing department as the years went on. Still not over how hard they literally screwed this good girl over. Every single time.)

Iku Nagae - (Touhou Project)

Additional note: (Part of an incredibly failed multimuse project (that Nepgear was the face of and part of as well for that matter after her blog flopped) and she never got to really experience light of day. I had only the idea of how I wished to portray the character and I still do, but at the same time, I have no idea if it would have earned me the most interactions, admittedly. All due to how passive she is.)

Varus - (League of Legends)

Additional note: (Me having a thing for characters with tragic stories of loss? Are doomed as if fittingly to pay for their sins and as a cost for the tools to live and revenge? He spoke to me way before Ragna. I knew how I wanted to write him, give him flair given his character, which other Champions I wished for him to interact with soon... I had a much clearer idea. But ultimately, also part of the doomed multimuse blog that never took off.)

Goomy - (Pokémon)

Additional note: (No gijinka, only small, sticky bby that I debatably would never allow to evolve and, of course, could talk. Best Dragon type line to ever exist don’t even @ me okay. It’s just... cute. The anime really made it stick out and I loved it. I always also have loved essentially weaker characters and creatures a lot, thus... It resonated with me greatly and idea of how I was going to go about him (yes, had decided on male for it). Again, multimuse failed, so he went away with it.)

Karol Capel - (Tales of Vesperia)

Additional note: (Weak that could be truly strong when overcoming his fears, and that resonated with me given how I consider myself a coward in real life. I also have a thing also for playing characters everyone finds annoying to make them look better when they should not be as disliked too. And once more, multimuse, gone with it, never found a place to remotely discover if I would have also wanted to play him at large either too.)

Elphelt Valentine - (Guilty Gear)

Additional note: (I don’t need to say anything, most of you knew her enough! Blog flopped hard and I couldn’t find the activity I desired. Why I played her? Just... bubbly sweet girl that didn’t want to act on her capability to be deadly as a Gear and only wished for happiness, I liked all that sugar with that depth I tried to give her. As of recent times, Tumblr locked me out and I could not log back in. I sort of took it as a message as to why I maybe shouldn’t try with secondary blogs to a big degree.)

The Masochistic Admiral/Commander/Master(?)/Doctor(?) - (Kantai Collection-Azur Lane (Maybe even Fate and Arknights???) )

Additional note: (So this is a nameless original Admiral/Commander character by the artist known as “Yamamoto Arifred” (look up on danbooru tags under Kantai Collection alongside). I absolutely fell in love with this guy. How I wish it was possible to play him further then I did, I revisit the art work every so often and every day I recall why I liked him so, so much. He’s just beyond amusing, wacky, outright insane and nonsensical in many good shapes and forms. But he only wants one thing: All under him to succeed and become the best they can be under his very questionable yet effective command. I could go on and on but this is already long enough. Standalone blog, flopped due to lack of activity.)

Thief (”Touzoku”) Arthur - (Million Arthur series)

Additional note: (Super unknown series, super unknown plot, I only met all the characters via the available and uncared for fighting game... And her backstory plus design gave me so many ideas I wanted to play around with as a thief wielding a goddamn Excalibur. Of the first characters I said I wanted to play on impulse alone, but who would have cared? Where could she have fit? It was the bigger discouraging thoughts. I have some icons still... But as always, the hesitation from impulse in itself.)

Hassan of the Serenity - (Fate Prototype/Fragments - Grand Order)

Additional note: (Best Assassin, best girl, only Servant that has brought me to tears in this extensive series, for the love of anything holy let her be happy I swear to God, everything about her cuts me so deep, I can’t deal with it every time I think about it ...I’m calm. But really. She touched me so, so deep. I was normally indifferent for so many years about Fate until I stumbled upon the Prototype duology, and subsequently, the Fragments side. After learning her origins and more, her wishes... I can’t state it enough. I am passionate about this girl. She deserves the world. And I would have loved to give her the best if I got to write her.)

Peri - (Fire Emblem Fates - Heroes)

Additional note: (What everyone sees as an annoying, questionable character and way more, I see as yet another pick for me with great potential to try and develop to be liked more by many, for she is not completely disposeable. I had ideas and wanted to take her further while still having her not lose the tendencies she has, because that would be breaking and disregarding character, but sadly, Peri never as much as left my constant thoughts then trying to privately sample around for myself, would have loved to, though. Very.)

Sigurd - (Fate Grand Order)

Additional note: (Amazing design, amazing voice... Literal definition of: “Do it for her”, loves his partner despite their fate... Incredibly underrated man. He is simply the best and I was interested in finding footing to play him, as he deserves to be noticed more for just being... Simply amazing. There is not much more to say than that, he is cool and that is final. Don’t even fight me on these cold, hard facts.)

[mymelodyheart]

Starting Over Chapter 22 ~The Tale of the Night Part One~

Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ!  

Claire's heart started to beat a little faster as their hired Bentley slowly inched closer to the Hilton Hotel Glasgow. They were following a long line of fancy cars waiting for their turn to pull up, step out and parade themselves. She felt Jamie's gentle squeeze on her hand, but it didn't help quash the feeling of apprehension. She'd promised Jamie to stand by him but seeing the throngs of excited fans and reporters behind the installed barriers, made her want to curl up in a fetal position and not leave the car.

"Sassenach, are ye alright?"

Huh?  She turned and looked at him and saw the worried lines etched on his face. She gave him a feeble smile. "I'm fine," she lied, trying to convince herself as well as him. "I know events like this draw crowds ... it's just that I didn't realise it would be as crazy as this. I-it's one thing seeing it on TV or pictures, but this ..." She leans forward and waves a hand, the frenzy screams and shouts, giving her jitters. "There's a bloody mob out there. It's insane!"

Jamie gently drew her sideways against him, tucking her in under his arm. "Some people from the movie industry will be there too, that's why. Events like this like to invite big names to attract the media. And Prince Harry will be making an appearance as well, most probably to promote the Invictus Games."

"Invictus wot?" she asked absentmindedly, her attention fixated on the excited crowd outside.

"It's a paralympic-style sporting event for injured military servicemen and women. It's a foundation launched by Prince Harry," he explained, following her gaze.

Only half-listening, Claire closed her eyes and tried to breathe normally, focusing on Jamie's hand on her arms. It helped a bit to soothe her nerves. For a split second of weakness, she thought of suggesting to let her slip into the back entrance and meet him inside the hotel lobby after his pap-walk but remembered her promise to stand by him tonight and dropped the idea. "Does this get any easier for you?" Claire asked, glad for the darkened windows that hid them from the flashing camera lights.

"What? This?" He puffed out his cheeks and blew out air. "No. The public looks like the giant scary monster, but truthfully, I dinnae mind the fans. The problem is the media. The media isnae journalism as ye know it anymore. They turn everything into a bloody circus show."

She shuddered, remembering her indirect first-hand experience with the reporters and how they've made her looked like the cheating fiancée and Frank, the virtuous, pillar of the society, who could do no wrong. "Tell me about it," she whispered.

"Stations and news will gobble up anything - the more sensational the story, the better, anything for the ratings. Ratings are everything. Ratings mean money and lots of it. Perhaps it really is just a matter of time before they're funding the nefarious for the consumption of the people. There's nae more moral compass, only the most immoral become the victors in this industry, and so on. Morality is for losers, winners are the ones who "pushed the envelope." He looked at her, and she didn't miss the subtle change in his demeanour. "As I told ye before, the tabloids will feed the public some shite by publishing pictures, and when it's captured at a right angle, it could be taken in any context ye want. The news' outlets delight on that because the fans can make up their own stories and they write articles based on their speculations."

"Has it ever happened to you?"

"What? Speculations? Aye. Many times. With my reputation, I'm fodder for other celebrities' publicist, especially when movies or projects need to be promoted. I tend to get used for that end. I'm not saying my reputation was a made-up lie. I'm not proud of it, but I own my shit. The problem with this industry is when ye want to use their platform or be part of it, be prepared to whore yersel' literally or figuratively." He lets out a short laugh. "Thanks to them and the publicity stunts, I've increased my followings on social media, which of course, opened other avenues such us modelling for big-name products even if I've never done that line of work before. The upside - it made me loads of money."

"So, you reckon the network will want something from you?"

"Aye, most probably. But ye'll have yer say in it, Sassenach. This is nae longer just about me," Jamie's mouth pressed into a determined line. "This concerns ye too."

"But, this job means the world to ye, Jamie."

He twisted around to face her, and his hand stroke her cheek. "Dreams and priorities change over time, Sassenach. Ye come first now because I'll need someone who will hold on to my soul in that crazy world out there. But I'm warning ye. If ye agree to let me take on the job, there'll be a lot of things ye'll not like and perhaps disappointments. Whatever happens tonight, I'll need ye to trust me in this. Ye dae trust me, aye?"

Claire squeezed his hand. "Yes, of course, I trust you." She nervously glanced through the windshield and saw there was only one car left in front of them before it was their turn to get off. "I meant to go over things with you, Jamie. What do you need from me out there?"

His face softened. "Just be yourself and smile. Ye dinnae need to answer questions from the press if ye dinnae feel like it. If ye do though, dinnae reveal anything personal and give them an arsenal for future use." He leaned in and gave her a kiss. "And thank ye for being here with me. It means a lot."

She nodded and smiled weakly, still dazed from the surreality of the upcoming moment when they would step out as a couple. It was quite apparent they were both not looking forward to going out there, and for Claire, it was one hell of a circus show to go through just for a presenting job.

"Ye sure ye'll be okay?" Jamie asked. "There's still time to turn around if ye wish. There'll be nae hiding once we step out." His tone was guarded and tinged with concern. "I ken I asked ye to stand by me. But I can go out there by myself, present the award, listen to what the network has to say and if I dinnae like it, I'll leave, and we can enjoy Glasgow for the rest of the evening."

The suggestion was too tempting, and it would be an easy way out. But Jamie could lose out on his dream job because he would choose her. She didn't want that. Claire turned and saw him looking at her thoughtfully, earnestly waiting for an answer, as the ghost of past heartache resurrected in her head. When James Fraser loved, it was scary. The man put his entire heart out with the expectation that it would be crushed. Sometimes she worried at the way he looked at her and at the way she felt for him. It seemed too precious and too rare to explore knowing if it didn't work out between them, the heartache would be greater. If she ever lost this man, she would never recover. If he ever lost her, she feared for the man that he would become. She could only hope that their relationship would survive Jamie's new career.

Swallowing the odd lump in her throat, she gave him her best smile and summoned the courage. If he's willing to sacrifice his dreams, she was prepared to at least try and take this on too before he gave it up altogether. "Hey I'm a big girl, remember. I can tough this one out," she whispered, attempting to sound cheerful.

His handsome face lit up. Grinning, he leaned in for a final kiss before grabbing the handle of the car's door. "Weel, let's do this then, Sassenach.".

..........

Ah, bloody hell, here goes nothing!  

Claire inhaled deeply and took Jamie's hand as she stepped out of the car. She felt like entering into another realm as she was greeted by frantic screaming, knowing it had more to do with Jamie's appearance than her stepping out. It was very loud, more than she'd imagined it would be with a crowd such as this, and the deafening noise was reinforced more by all the shouting, cheering, camera flashes, instructions yelled out by photographers at celebrities, and security and ushers barking orders.

"Jamie! Jamie!"

"We love ye, Jamie!"

"Jamie, please sign this!

"Jamie! This way, please!

"Jamieee, selfie please."

Jamie's hand tightened and tugged her forward, her eyes blinking and squinting against the flashing of bulbs and set of lights beaming down on them. He leaned down to say something, but she couldn't hear over the screams of hysterical fans. Although she'd been a fan of Jamie for years, she couldn't understand the over-the-top hero-worship and grown women shrieking whenever Jamie smiled, winked or waved. People crying and all these hysteria for a retired rugby player was simply just beyond her.  Heaven forbid Jamie ends up becoming an actor. Unbelievable!

Jamie led her to the top end where the broadcast outlets were, namely BBC, ITV as well as UKSC, the network Jamie might one day work for. He subtly reminded her when to stop and where to look as the photographers furiously took their pictures. His eyes were on her the whole time, a knowing upturn tugging his lips and his hand always pulling her against him. He kissed her for the cameras as if it was his way of announcing she was his, and although Jamie ignored requests from the journalists to introduce her, she obliged them, despite herself, by smiling for their lenses instead. Claire was surprised not one of the photographers had recognised her as the infamous  Runaway Bride . She hoped her unknown status would remain for the rest of the evening, but she knew reporters were like a dog with a bone and it was only a matter of time before they caught on.

"Hey, Jamie, who's the pretty lady with ye?"

"Can we have a name, please?"

"The dress is gorgeous. Who designed it?"

"Jamie, a quick interview, please?"

"Sorry ye lot, time for us to go in," he deflected, pretending to look disheartened while putting one hand dramatically over his chest and another, tugging her elbow and leading her away from the crowd and into the double doors of the hotel. 

What a charmer!   Despite Jamie loathing the media, he had a way with the reporters, whether they were women or men. Not once he showed a hint of annoyance even if she could feel it pulsing from his aura. He was evasive when people asked questions but somehow managed to get away with it with a smile or a wink, lending them a sense of mystery. Maybe Jamie was born for this. He did everything with ease and was full of self-confidence in front of the watchful eyes of the public. Whereas, her, she felt like she was caught up in a current, whirled and tossed in every direction. Her face hurt from endless smiling, hand numbed from Jamie's constant hard grip and her feet already throbbed from the ridiculously high stilettos. She hoped Jamie's charms would be enough to tide her over when the media finally finds out who she was.

One hurdle down, a million more to go!  Once they made it through the hotel's lobby, her first thought was to grab a flute of champagne from a passing waiter, but Jamie kept walking and steered her through groups of people, nodding and acknowledging with a smile those who glance their way. 

"It wasnae so bad, was it?" Jamie murmured against her ear as they positioned themselves at the least populous area of the lobby. "Ye look so beautiful tonight, and everyone thinks so too. Ye've captivated the press and the fans." He took a couple of champagne from a passing blonde waitress who was beaming up at him, but he didn't notice the awed gaze.

"Captivated? More like inquisitive," she replied, taking a huge gulp from the bubbly Jamie gave her and scanning the crowd. "The press is probably running my picture through some facial recognition software as we speak. I hope with the amount of makeup Geillis plied on my face, they'll fail at their attempt."

"That's not how facial recognition software work, Sassenach. The app distinguishes a person based on the person's features and shape."

"I was afraid you were going to say that. Let's just hope the software they're using is crap or dated."

Jamie laughed, taking a step closer in her direction "Dinna fash. Sometimes media exposure can work to yer benefit."

Claire looked up and saw the amusement in his eyes. "What do you mean?"

"Weel, for one, Frank will surely leave ye alone now. He wouldnae want to jeopardise his career in case ye talk to the press. I'm presuming he'd be thinking, ye've been considerably unpredictable ever since ye jumped out of the church's window. Controlling people don't like unaccounted for surprises. And ye're likely to do something spontaneous."

"I guess you have a point ..." She sipped her drink and quickly changed the subject. "What happens now?" she asked, watching the elite and sports' celebrities rub shoulders together, exchange air-kisses and posed for the cameras with subdued interest.

Claire had never seen so much pretentiousness in one room, and she'd mingled often enough in Frank's circle to make that distinction. The need to impress was so palpable in the air when, in actual fact, almost every individual present was talented and gifted in their own way. It was too showy and flashy for an event that was supposed to be all about honouring sportsmanship and sports in general. The only thing that seemed genuine was the designer clothes they're wearing and their expensive perfumes wafting through the air. It seemed like the long tentacles of the world of celebrities have crept into the world of sports, blinding them with glitz and glamour. It was definitely not a scene she could get used to, and she felt, Jamie couldn't either no matter how much self-confidence he exuded and wanted the job.

"We're just waiting for Forbes," Jamie explained. "I told him I'd meet him here and he's supposed to update me on his talks with the network." 

"Forbes is your agent, right?"

"Aye. And speaking of the devil, he appears." Jamie gestured toward the tall, blonde and handsome man in a dark blue business suit, walking confidently through groups of celebrities. "Showtime," he whispered, shifting on his feet.

She downed her champagne in two mouthfuls and watched Forbes stopped and shook hands with Andy Murray, Scotland's professional tennis player. It was apparent Jamie's agent knew a lot of famous people and appeared comfortable around them as he greeted and addressed a few more.

"Jamie!" Forbes strode towards them in a way a famous person might. His smile Hollywoodesque as he shook Jamie's hand. He was younger than Claire thought, midway through his thirties and almost as tall as Jamie. "Sorry to keep you waiting," Forbes apologised. "Got held up in the office and then stuck in the traffic."

Jamie nodded. "Nae bother. We haven't been here for too long." He put an arm possessively across her shoulders and pulled her in. "Forbes, this is Claire, my girlfriend." Forbes took her hand and kissed it, smiling over it when she blushed. She felt Jamie stiffened, indicative of his lack of credence towards his agent. 

"Call me Gerald. Forbes is my surname. I'm a long time friend and confidante of Jamie. I'm surprised he hasn't introduced you sooner, but I've seen you in the papers. Have to say you caused quite a stir in Edinburgh, and the pictures that were published haven't done you any justice at all. You're even more beautiful in person." He dipped his head as if his next words were meant only for her ears. "Jamie's reputation precedes him. As we all know, he has a keen eye for beautiful women."

Claire swallowed and yanked her hand back. "A keen eye for beautiful women, you say?" She glanced up at Jamie before looking at Forbes squarely in the eyes. "Too bad it doesn't extend to his instinctual perception on human nature. Jamie is too trusting for his own good."

Taken off guard by her reply, Forbes stared at her for a few seconds, trying to gauge her meaning. When she didn't smile, he was left with no other choice but to give out a fake laugh that was so over-the-top and loud, a few people glanced their way. Jamie disguised his choke with a cough.

"That's sports agents for ye," Jamie remarked, squeezing her shoulder. "Cannae live with 'em ..."

"Can't sign a deal worth a damn without them," Forbes added, plastering his toothpaste advert smile back on his face and dragging his attention away from her. "Well, Jamie, shall we go somewhere private and talk business?"

"No. We can talk here," Jamie said smoothly, releasing Claire to grab more glasses of bubblies from a passing waiter. "It's simple, really," he started, passing a glass to her and then to Forbes. "It's either the network and I are on the same page or not. So which is it?"

The mega-watt smile on Forbes dimmed, as he cast a quick glance at Claire before looking back at Jamie again. "I reasoned with the directors, and they've invited both of you at their table for further talks."

"And?"

Forbes tugged at his tie. "They still want you to do a pap photo with Geneva tonight. And it would be wise if we told the press Claire is your PA in case her identity leaks out."

"I'll do a promotional photo with Geneva if that's what they want," Jamie said firmly. "As for Claire's identity, the press or some random fan has probably already figured it out who she is. The fans aren't stupid." 

"Fine, so what if they've figured it out," Forbes sighed, lifting a hand in the air. "Just release a statement saying Claire's working as your PA while she's out of a job or something. Or a close friend who came with you as your plus one for tonight. Or just say nothing at all, and I'll release a statement to the press for you."

Noticing the tension between the two men, Claire placed a hand on Jamie's arm. "Shall I leave you both alone. I'll be just right over there," Claire intervened. She knew how important this job was for Jamie, and she was more than willing to remain hidden from the public if that's what it took.

"No," Jamie replied, grabbing her hand, in case she did walk away. "Please stay." He gave her a pleading look. She couldn't say no, so she simply nodded hoping they would come to some kind of resolution. Satisfied she wasn't going anywhere, Jamie turned his attention once more back to Forbes. "You will not release any statement on my behalf, and I will not discuss my personal life to the press. I've never had, and I'm not about to start now. Anyone who's got eyes knows Claire is with me and hundreds of pictures have already been taken when we arrived. The only thing I am willing to talk to the press about is my work."

"Jamie, there won't be any work if the directors found out you are with the  Runaway Bride  and even more so if the word gets out," Forbes argued impatiently. "We can make those pictures disappear, and nobody has to know about Claire. And it's for her own good too."

Claire tried not to flinch, but both men noticed. Forbes gave her an apologetic look and Jamie squeezed her hand.

"The directors said they specifically wanted that?" Jamie asked in disbelief.

Forbes sighed. "They want an unattached Jamie."

"And yet, they want me to parade myself with Geneva? That doesn't make any sense at all," Jamie countered.

"Look there's something I need to tell you about Geneva. And you can't tell another soul ..." Forbes paused and eyed Claire.

Jamie noticed Forbe's hesitation. "Claire won't say a word. She's a doctor and has a duty of confidentiality to her patients. So this won't be any different," Jamie reassured his agent.

Forbes nodded and lowered his voice. "There are rumours within the IOC that Geneva used performance-enhancing drugs during the Commonwealth Games and Beijing World Championships and she may be consequently be stripped off her medals ..."

"And how is that my problem?" Jamie challenged.

"Well, this is where you come in. You know that Geneva's dad, William, is one of the directors of the network, right?" When Jamie nodded, Forbes resumed. "The IOC isn't the problem, and the majority of the committee can be bought, but it won't stop the rumours circulating. So daddy dearest wants to paint a nice picture of Geneva for the public by giving her a few stints on the sports network. They want you both to host the London World Championship during rugby off-season. Her exposure will unveil her to the public as a clean-living athlete, and so when the rumours grow its head, the public will dismiss it as mere gossip. And also, they want the public to perceive you both as a couple. There'll be no need for you to announce you both are. A few pap photos here and there and the fans will do the talking. You're the ideal person for the partnership with Geneva because well, you know ... you were well-known for your discipline in rugby. No drugs, no alcohol, five times best player of the year, Scotland's national treasure and all that shit. Get my drift?"

"And why me?" Jamie asked warily. "Surely, there are other candidates with the same background in sports as I have, a better reputation and could talk comfortably and eloquently in front of the camera. I can think of five on top of my head, and they're all living nearer to London."

Forbes shook his head as if he couldn't comprehend why Jamie still hadn't understood yet. "You come from an old family, Jamie. A family with a solid background, good reputation and the public is more forgiving with your past indiscretions compared to your peers. And that alone carries a lot of weight in William Dunsany's eyes."

Jamie gave a burst of short mirthless laughter. "And here I thought I was being considered for the job because they saw a potential in me." He shook his head in disbelief and slapped Forbes on the shoulder. "Sorry mate, thanks but no thanks."

"Jamie! We're talking about a million-pound contract here and a place in the network for two years. That's an incredible amount of money for someone who doesn't have experience in mass media. No one is asking you to break up with Claire. Just keep things between the two of you under wraps. That's not difficult, is it?"

"Aye, it is! Have ye lived under the watchful eye of the press? Claire will be living with me. How am I suppose to keep our relationship under wraps? The answer is no. I'm not putting Claire under that pressure."

"William Dunsany is desperate. Maybe I can arrange a better deal for you," Forbes offered.

Jamie arched an eyebrow. "Why is he desperate?"

"William Dunsany is about to be bestowed a knighthood by the Queen, and he can't afford any scandal or gossip tainting his family name. He thinks Geneva being linked to you would shift the focus away from the rumours."

"Sorry, Forbes. It's one thing piling this whole shite on me but ..."

Forbes raised both his hands and gestured to both of them. "Talk about it, the two of you. And I'll go and talk to Dunsany and get you a better deal. I'll give you both half an hour to decide." And then he turned and strode away before either of them could say a word.

Jamie took Claire's glass and set it on the nearby table and faced her. "Do ye want to talk about this, Sassenach?"

"I think we should," she whispered.

Without another word, Jamie took Claire by the elbow and led them to an empty conference room. Once alone and away from the crowd, they sat on a nearby table facing each other.

Claire spoke first. "Jamie, I totally get it. The money doesn't mean anything to you, and I know you love me, and I also know you're willing to walk away from all of this because of me, but ..."

"Sassenach ..."

"No, Jamie, hear me out first, please," she insisted, wringing her hands as she searched for the right words. "You're here because you want to be part of that sport you love so much and want to start your own rugby academy with the money you'll earn. I know we talked about this in the car before we got here, but I don't want to be the reason for giving up your dreams. I can't live with that. When two people love one another, they nurture and support each other. I want you to do this thing in London and build your academy."

He smiled and took her hands from across the table. "Sassenach, I appreciate what ye're saying but it doesnae matter. Besides, I get the feeling ye dinnae like London much and the whole palaver with the paparazzi, and I cannae do it on my own if ye decide to send me away. I'd miss ye terribly."

It was true what Jamie said. She hated London, but she'd also hate it if she didn't get to see him every day and see where their relationship go. Maybe this was a test and opportunities like this only come once in a lifetime. Of course, they could make their own opportunities, but more often than not they are sprung on you like a dare to test your skills, to see if you could take that leap of faith to make whatever it was a success. To continue to be dictated by fear, an excellent opportunity might slip away. Frank already took away so much by inspiring self-doubt in her, and she didn't want to be afraid anymore. She needed to take that leap first, for the sake of both of them. And although Claire didn't like the idea that William Dunsany could get a knighthood from her life-changing decision, Claire had a feeling Geneva was being manipulated by her father. She wanted to be beside Jamie to make sure it wouldn't happen to him and at the same time reach out to Geneva and help her.

Confident she made the right decision, she stood up, walked over to him and sat on his lap. Linking her arms together around Jamie's neck, she planted a kiss on his lips and smiled. "What if I said I want to come to London with you, would that change your mind?"

[hockeytrashgoblin]

What are you so scared of ~ William Nylander

A/N: Soooooo it gets kind of smutty at the end but it’s not so bad. Just beware I guess??

I was sitting in the arena for the world juniors, watching sweden play their last game in the tournament against the US. It was the bronze medal game and I knew that William wasn’t happy about being in that game. We had talked about it a couple days beforehand on the phone. He had no idea that I was here right now watching him, he thought I was watching on tv back in Canada with my family and his. Well some of his. His dad, Michelle, and Jaquline were sitting here with me but the rest were in Canada.

Our families had been friends for quite a while now to the point where we were almost one giant family. The only reason I was allowed to come this far by myself was because I was meeting up with the Nylanders. I was the same age as Alex and everyone had hoped that we would get along well. We did but it was nothing compared to what I had with William. 

William was my best friend in the whole world and I was madly in love with him of course. It wasn’t that bad since William was really flirty and touchy all the time so it felt like we were dating sometimes even though we weren’t. It was just so hard to not like him. This boy draws energy straight from sunshine and projects it out into the world with his smile. He was so cute. I broke out of my train of thought by Jackie elbowing me in the side.

“Okay what was that for?!”

“You were thinking about William again.”

“Was not.” I mumbled making their dad laugh.

“You don’t need to sit here daydreaming about him, he’s literally right there. Right there.” she said pointing.

“I see him Jackie. I’ve been watching him this whole time.” 

She rolled her eyes but then our attention was brought back to the ice. Time was running out and the US ended up winning. We were all a little bummed out walking back to where family could meet up with their players. I stayed hidden while William came out and hugged everyone. He looked sad and that was heartbreaking.

“We have a surprise for you William!” Michelle said letting her brother go.

“I’m not in the mood for surprises.” he mumbled.

“Well I think you’re gonna like this one. Go out to the hallway.”

“Michelle come on why-”

“Just go!” I heard her yell pushing him out the door. He looked down the hall and when he saw me he dropped all his stuff and ran to me. He picked me up and I wrapped my arms and legs around him on instinct. And ya know, just because I wanted to.

“Hi, Love.” I said smiling wide.

“(Y/N) how did you get here? I can’t believe you’re here!”

“I wanted to be here for you at the end of this game. I got here this morning and met up with your family.”

“Your parents let you go alone?”

“I know, wild. If it had been anyone else I don’t think they would’ve let me.”

“Alright you two break it up.” Jackie said coming out to the hall. William rolled his eyes and put me down but he still kept a hand on my waist. “Willy, you’ve still got interviews and stuff to do. We’re going to go and meet you back here later.”

“We’re taking your equipment too so you don’t have to worry about it.” Michael chimed in.

“Okay thanks.” he turned to me, “Do you want to go with them?”

“Do you want me to go with them?”

“No.” he said bluntly making me laugh.

“Then I’ll stay here with you.”

“Alright then, that’s decided. We’ll see you two later.” Michelle said wiggling her eyebrows at us.

“Just text when you’re ready. We’ll go out to eat, to celebrate.”

“Okay cool. Bye dad.”

William put his arm around my shoulder and led me back into the family room. We found a free love seat and sat down together.

“I can’t believe you came all this way to see me.”

“Of course I came to see you. Don’t be crazy, I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

“What about work?”

“I took a few days off.”

“(Y/N) this is insane.” he laughed hugging me again.

“Hey Nylander stop being all over her and put your hat on.” the coach said throwing a yellow hat at William. 

“Sorry coach, I guess I just got too excited.”

“That’s okay just make sure you get to your interview in time. It’s in a few minutes.”

“Oh shit right. Let’s go (Y/N).” he grabbed my hand and pulled me up. He didn’t let go of it though as we walked through the maze of hallways and I wasn’t complaining. When we got to where the interviews were going to take place he dropped my hand and hugged me again with his arms around my shoulders. I had to try my best to not breathe in too hard so it wouldn’t be obvious that I was getting lost in the smell of him. He was home for me and all I wanted was to be close to him. 

“I have to go talk to them now. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” he kissed my forehead and then went to talk to everyone. He was distracted though and kept smiling at me behind the camera. He was also speaking Swedish which made the butterflies in my stomach go insane. I loved when he spoke it. I didn’t notice it was done until he was back face to face with me.

“How was that?” I asked carefully seeing sadness in his eyes.

“It was fine.” he said smiling but I could tell it was fake.

“Are you okay, love?”

“Yeah I’m good. Do you want to text my dad to come back and get us now?”

“Sure I can do that.”

“Thanks.” he gathered his winter stuff and started putting it on while I messaged Michael.

A little while later we were finishing dinner at a really fancy place. I didn’t know why they picked here but the food was good and I wasn’t paying so it wasn’t too bad. William had been quiet the whole dinner. He was sitting beside me so I had been holding his hand pretty much the whole time trying to make him feel better about the loss. After we were done eating William and I climbed into the back of the car to begin the somewhat long drive back to his hotel.

“Where are you staying?” William asked me.

“I actually hadn’t thought of that. I’ll probably just try to get a room in the hotel your sisters are staying at.”

“Please stay with me? I want you around tonight.”

“Absolutely Will, the whole reason I’m here is for you.” I rested my head on his shoulder until we got to the hotel. Everyone climbed out and helped bring William’s stuff up to his room.

“So what’s the plan now?” his dad asked sitting on the desk chair.

“I’m tired after the game so I’m not feeling up to much right now. (Y/N) is staying here with me though.”

“Okay well that’s good to know. One less thing to worry about. We’ll let you two catch up and sleep then maybe meet up tomorrow for lunch?”

“Yeah that sounds good to me. What about you?”

“Free lunch? I’m on board.” I said making them all laugh.

“Alright then. Lunch it is!” Michael said getting up and ushering the girls out. “We’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Bye dad.”

“Oh and Will?”

“Yeah?”

“Be safe.” 

“Oh my god. Dad shut up.” he threw a pillow at the door but his dad had already closed the door laughing. “I’m sorry about that..”

“It’s okay.” I was too busy blushing at the floor to really look at him. If I had looked at him I would’ve seen him look the exact same way.

“I don’t know where he gets ideas like that from.” he said flopping down on the small bed.

“Yeah I dunno.” yes I did. Probably the talking with his sisters in front of him on my end is what did it. 

“Oh well. Come lay with me.”

“Oh? Maybe your dad was right?” I teased crawling up the bed.

“Shut up smartass.” he giggled before pulling me down on top of him.

“Be nice to me. I came all this way.”

“I know you did. I still can’t believe it. Why would you do that.” he brushed your hair out of your face with one hand and had the other one resting across your back holding you to him as he searched your eyes for answers.

“William you sounded so sad on the phone the other day when we talked.” I said looking down and picking lint of his chest. “I couldn’t just stay there knowing you needed me here.”

“Herregud(oh my god).” he giggled and hugged me tighter. “I don’t know what I would do without you..”

“You’ll never have to know what you’d do. I’m not going anywhere.” I looked back into his blue eyes and smiled. He sat up awkwardly bringing you up with him making me giggle. “Will what are you doing?”

“Ugh can’t you just cooperate or help or something?” he said in a teasing tone while situating me on his lap. Out of all the things to be close that we’d done we had never sat like this before. I had never been on his lap with his hands on my thighs drawing patterns with his fingers. I blushed and had to look somewhere else besides his eyes.

“Sorry.”

“You sweetheart, no. Don’t be sorry I was just kidding.”

“What happened at the interviews after the game? You got so sad.”

“I didn’t get sad.”

“Liar.” I said rolling my eyes. “I can read you like a book Nylander. It’s not hard to tell when you smile and it doesn’t go to your eyes like it usually does.”

“They were just asking me over and over again what I did wrong, what I could’ve done better, if I felt like I let people down. All that kind of stuff.” it was his turn to break eye contact and looked down at his hands on my legs.

“I’m so sorry William. If I had understood what they said I would’ve gotten you out of there or something.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. You don’t speak Swedish, how would you have ever known?”

“I’m trying to learn. But I’m not good yet. I’m still sorry they were being rude to you.” I laid my head on his shoulder and put my hand on his chest. “Do you feel like you let people down, Will?”

“I don’t really know.” he said after a bit of silence. “I don’t think I let down the team because I did a lot. I tried my hardest and got some goals and points. I know my dad isn’t disappointed in me but I feel like I kind of let him down by not getting farther. I feel like I let my sisters and you down completely though. Especially you.”

“Me? Will why would you think that?” I lifted my head in surprise. I brought my hand from his chest to his cheek trying to soothe him. He brought his hand up to hold mine on his face.

“You came all this way and all I did was lose.”

“Love, I’ve seen you lose before. Like hundreds of times.”

“Okay I don’t think it’s been hundreds.” he said rolling his eyes.

“Willy come on. I’ve been watching you since we were 5. That’s a lot of games. That’s all I meant. Why would I be disappointed in you now?”

“This was a really big game.” he shrugged turning his head away. I pulled his face back to look at me.

“You listen to me. You could lose game 7 of the stanley cup finals and you still wouldn’t let me down.”

“Really?”

“Yea really. I’m forever proud of you, love. Nothing is going to change that. Especially not a loss.”

“This is why I needed you here.”

“I’m here for you no matter what. You know that.” I went to give him a kiss on the cheek but he turned his head at the last minute and caught my lips with his. I was shocked but didn’t move as he moved his hands to hold onto my face. I finally clued in to what was happening and I started kissing him back really taking in every detail of kissing William. The way his lips were chapped from being on the ice all the time, how the kiss was soft but he had full control of it, the different amounts of pressure at different times leaving me wanting more. I tangled my hands in his long blonde locks to try and get closer. His hands on my hips were pushing me down onto his growing erection. I pulled back to get my breathing under control but that didn’t work because William attached his lips to my neck, almost as if he couldn’t stand not having his lips on me. I moaned when he started leaving a mark on me. The sound brought me back to the situation and I opened my eyes in panic, pulling back.

“Hey, hey, hey, what’s wrong?” William asked with worry and hurt in his eyes.

“I’m sorry.” I couldn’t look in his eyes and I tried to get off of him but he stopped me.

“Don’t be sorry. Tell me what’s wrong. You always run when something’s wrong. Did I do something you didn’t want me to do? You seemed so into it..”

“No Willy, it’s nothing you did. You didn’t do anything I didn’t want you to.”

“So why are you so pale? You’re panicking.” he moved his arms to rub up and down mine soothingly but that just made me want to touch him more.

“I’m scared..”

“Scared? Of what?”

“I don’t know.” William looked at me sadly and moved his hands to sit on my hips again rubbing circles into the skin where my shirt had risen. 

“Sweetheart you do. Tell me.” I didn’t respond and he tried again. “What are you so scared of?”

“I just don’t want to do things with you because I’m here and it’s convenient for you. The thought of that is scary and I don’t think I’d be able to handle that. It would hurt. Besides we’re friends.”

“(Y/n), we’re not just friends and you know it. You wouldn’t have come all this way to see just a friend. We wouldn’t be as close as we are if we were just friends. I wouldn’t have kissed you if we were just friends.”

“I know..”

“So you have nothing to be scared of. I’d never use you like that. I’ve never wanted you because you’re convenient. I’ve wanted you because you’re hot.”

“Shut up.” I said laughing smacking his chest.

“Well it’s true. This time though it wasn’t completely because you’re hot.”

“Oh do elaborate.” I said sarcastically rolling my eyes.

“There was just something about the way you were talking to me today. I’ve never felt more loved before in my life.”

“Well that’s because I love you more than anything.” I said shrugging.

“Don’t say that like it’s not a big deal.”

“I didn’t mean it like that. It’s definitely a big deal.”

“Do you really mean it?”

“Yes.”

“Will you say it again?” he asked blushing with a smile on his face.

“I love you.”

“Again.”

“I love you.”

“One more time?”

“William!” I yelled laughing at him.

“I love you, (Y/n).” I couldn’t stop the smile on my face getting wider from his words. “Now can I please kiss you again? I just want my mouth on you..”

“Please.” I whined. I barely got it out before his lips were back on mine. They didn’t stay there long though as he started down my neck again making me moan. “William please.”

“What? I like hearing you moan because of me. And it’s so easy.” he teased me nibbling on my sensitive skin.

“Asshole.” I said making him giggle. “Get on with it.”

“Hold your horses, goddamn. I just want to enjoy your body.”

“You can enjoy my body anytime you want.”

“Well in that case.” he said flipping me over making me squeal. He crawled in between my legs and settled there. I lifted my hips to meet his making him moan. 

“I want you William. So bad..”

“You’ve got me baby, I’m yours.” he took his shirt off before standing to unbutton his pants. “We’re a little too dressed for the occasion though.”

“Shit true..” I said taking in the beautiful boy in front of me, still not taking my clothes off, just watching him. He smirked at me before crawling back up the bed to me.

“Baby, why are you still dressed?”

“I wanted to look at you. You’re fucking hot.”

“That was blunt.” he said laughing.

“I think we’re past the point of me not saying what I really want to.”

“I think you’re right. Now about these..” he brought me up with him and slipped my sweater off of me gasping when seeing that I had no bra on underneath. “I love that you do that. You think I don’t know but I can feel it sometimes when you don’t wear a bra. I think it’s so hot.”

“It’s comfier.”

“You’ll never hear me complain.” he started kissing down my chest, leaving hickeys all over my breast, me moaning the whole time. He unbuttoned my pants and started to take them off, sitting up to pull them down my legs. I got up and pushed him down on the bed getting on top of him again.

“You’re so hot.” I said scratching my nails up and down his chest leaving marks on his neck and collar bones.

“You’re leaving so many marks.” he moaned.

“Excuse me? You’re one to talk, look at my boobs!”

“Gladly.” he said with a stupid grin on his face.

“I hate you.” I rolled my eyes at him.

“No you don’t, you love me.” he said pulling me down to meet his lips in a much hungrier kiss than anything we’d shared before. His hands traveled down to my ass and smacked hard making me gasp loudly. “Do you like that baby? Like when I spank you?”

“Uh huh.” I agreed quietly hiding my face in his neck so he wouldn’t see me blush. He did it again making me moan out. “Fuck Will..”

“Don’t be embarrassed baby, I like it. Everything about you is so hot, don’t worry.” he moved around until I was on my back next to him and he was propped up on his side. “Can I touch you?”

“Yes, yes please William, please touch me.”

“You don’t need to beg tonight sweetheart, you can have everything you want.” he kissed the side of my head and slid his hand down my underwear finally giving me contact I had been so badly wanting. He let two of his fingers slip into me while his thumb applied steady pressure to my clit. “(Y/n) you’re fucking soaked..”

“I have been since I saw you on the ice today.” I said accidentally. William stopped moving his fingers and looked at me, I was worried that I had fucked something up by saying that.

“That’s so fucking hot. Just seeing me makes you this wet?”

“All the time Willy. I’m always wet when you’re around.”

“Jesus..” he sat up and started pumping his fingers faster and faster getting me close to my high before pushing me over the edge with a shout of his name.

“Love, please..” I said quietly when I had calmed down.

“What do you need?”

“Your cock in me. Like right now. Please?”

“Shit..yeah. Yeah one second.” he got up and slid off his boxers facing away from me. I got an excellent view of his perfect ass and thighs. I wanted him so bad I thought I was going to cry. He turned around and I didn’t know if that was better or worse. Willy was hung. Not super thick but long, and bigger than average.

“William pleeease.” I whined again trying to get some friction from nothing while waiting for him. I took off my underwear, absolutely desperate for him and not wanting to take any more time than necessary.

“Shh baby I’m right here, I’ll give you what you want.” he got on top of me again and the skin to skin contact was so much, felt so nice. “Are you ready? I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Will, I’m good. Please get in me. I’ve been waiting for this for so long..”

“Okay..” he said quietly before kissing me and thrusting into me. I moaned but it was muffled by the kiss as he started up a slow rhythm. 

And that’s how the night went. Most of it was spent tangled up together, soft moans coming from both of us as we took our time enjoying each others bodies for the first time. We had both waited so long for it and we didn’t want it to end. Once it did though I fell asleep in the arms of the man I loved and nothing had ever felt better than waking up to him the next day too. I could’ve done without the teasing from his family the next day at lunch but I was too happy to really care.

[amygdalagustd]

So I've been sick for over a week now and it's getting to the point where I am slowly losing my mind.

I am way too sick to do anything, which leaves me with a lot of time to think. And that's...really not good.

The month of January flew by. A lot changed in this month to the point that December me would hardly recognize January me. I quite literally hit rock bottom at the end of 2019. The chaos and desperation feels both incredibly close and incredibly distant now. I was so ready to give up on everything, so convinced it was better for me to not be alive, so completely devoid of any hope or joy, so sure that I was never gonna be happy and so so so afraid. There was nothing inside of me that even wanted to attempt to get better because to me that would only lead to more heartbreak when I would inevitably fall down again.

But than bts announced a comeback and god dammit I was still excited about it. I had this little journal that I started writing in, about the bts comeback. I wrote down my feelings and hopes. I wrote down about how I couldn't wait. I wrote down everything.

I was so pleasantly surprised that I was still able to feel happy.

So I kept writing. I write about everything bts does. About their songs and promotions and shows. I dedicated one entire page to the scene in bon voyage where they play in the snow. Nothing is too small to write about, anything that makes me smile or feel warm gets a page. I write every day and I have filled 3 full journals by now, in a little over a month. It's a little insane, but it makes me feel good. It makes me happy. Bts makes me happy, and I wanted to capture that. And somewhere in between the pages about the cute thing yoongi did in a run episode and how much so far away inspires, I found that little bit of hope that I needed to keep going. There are entries about myself to. About my dreams and wishes. They are tied to bts lyrics, but they are definitely about me. And they all scream that I'm not giving up.

So I'm not giving up. I'm moving. I'm still alive, and I know for a fact I'm not leaving any time soon because hello?? New album coming out?? I'm so excited. Tour gets announced. I make plans to go, I get hyped. Traveling is scary but all I think is: "what a great opportunity for me to grow!"

Growing is the opposite of giving up. Growing means considering there to be a future. So now I am considering there to be a future?

If there is a future I'll better build something. For the last couple of weeks my head has slowly been filling itself with creative ideas and projects that I want to do. I write about it in my journal. I talk about it with friends, carefully. I face the comeback head on, diving in, allowing myself to get over the moon excited about it, analyzing the songs and screaming about them because I love them so much! I love love love love them! And I can feel it so easily! The love! It's real!

I'm breathing again. I'm smiling again. I'm dreaming again.

It almost feels magical, a 180 from what I was feeling before. It's almost like I'm flying. There is hope and direction and the comeback isn't even here yet!

It's all great, but than I get sick. Than I start thinking. And than, slowly, I get reminded again of the person I was just a little over a month ago.

I don't want to think about her, curled up on the toilet floor at work sobbing because everything is overwhelming and she doesn't know how to calm herself down. I don't want to think about her laying in bed all day without motivation to even go to the toilet. I don't want to think about her stumbling around at night wondering what would be the easiest way to end it all. I don't want to think about her and all her emotions and pain and despair. I am so afraid of her. Of becoming her.

But now that I'm sick and there is no distraction anymore, she suddenly feels so close again. And of course she does. She is a part of me. Those emotions that I felt are just as real as the happiness that I feel right now. Just as valid. Just as intense, if not more intense.

And I know what she needs. She needs to be heard. I need to tell people about her. She needs to be heard by me. She needs to be allowed to exist. But all I want to do is forget about her. She isn't the real me. The real me is excited for the comeback and making crazy tour plans and dreaming big dreams. All she ever does is hurt me.

But it doesn't work. She comes back. Of course she does. And suddenly all the progress that I have made in the past month, those 3 journals filled with hope and excitement, it all feels terrifying. Like I'm flying way to high. It suddenly doesn't feel good anymore, it feels outright dangerous. Foolish. Like I'm setting myself up to crash. How dare I make myself believe in the good things when deep down I know I am only capable of losing?

And suddenly I have to think about what yoongi said about the new album.

"You must face your inner shadow but resist becoming submerged into it's depths"

And I know he is freaking right because of course he is, he is min yoongi after all. The problem is, I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to lean into my shadow without falling in completely. I don't know how to express those feelings I felt without becoming them. It's all or nothing for me. And if I think about her, about the me that was so depressed that she wanted to die, my heart breaks. It doesn't just break, it bleeds for her. I want to give her what's she yearns for so badly. I want to comfort her and let her cry, I want her to feel like she can exist, like she isn't too much. But I don't know how to give her that without losing myself.

[adanicole04]

Power to the People: An Ideological Analysis

**this is a paper I wrote in college about the ideology of democracy, and tied to current culture. It’s been a couple years since this was written, but I remember this being one of my favorite projects, and I believe it’s still applicable today. Hope you enjoy! But please don’t steal it ;)

Introduction:

           NBC’s Parks and Recreation character Leslie Knope is a passionate bureaucrat who personally renewed my faith in what government is supposed to be by consistently reinforcing what democracy means to her. It may be a little pathetic in retrospect that it actually took a TV show to do so, but in light of everything happening today, it seems pretty understandable. Considering approval ratings of Congress have been at a historic all-time low for several years now, it should come as no surprise that “this more negative attitude toward Congress mirrors other indicators showing that Americans are at or near record lows in their confidence in the executive and judicial branches and the federal government in general” (Connolly, 2016).

           The American people are losing (if not already lost) trust in their government, and really, who can blame them? We’ve been lied to, deceived, and had our money stolen from us to be blown on government officials vacation homes while the rest of us have the worries of our basic needs to live constantly hanging over our heads. We are a people in need of reassurance; not of what our government is doing for us (because who knows if we are ever told the truth about that), but what our government was founded on: democracy.

After Donald Trump was elected president, there seemed to be enough interest as to what “Leslie Knope” would say, that an actual letter was written up in her name (by the writers of the show). There is a lengthy story about democracy, the central idea of this paper, of which I will discuss later. For now, I will start with the proclaimed point of that story.

           “People are unpredictable, and democracy is insane.”

           Critics, like random Quora user Carl Hancock, argue that democracy should be considered a concept, and that the ideology of democracy is limited to the belief of one’s ideal form of government (Hancock, 2013). And even Merriam-Webster defines “democracy” as a form of government (Democracy). Should democracy be restricted to a concept and/or form of government?

           Foss (2009) states that “an ideology is a pattern of beliefs that determines a group’s interpretations of some aspect of the world” (p. 209). Our government should be reflected on the beliefs and values our founding fathers had for America: that we are free people. By limiting “democracy” to a form of government, we eliminate the potential belief system that essentially directs our government. Using “Leslie Knope Writes Letter to America Following Donald Trump’s Victory” as my main artifact, quotes from Parks and Recreation (Parks & Rec for short) episodes, and ideological criticism, I argue that democracy is (and should be considered as) an ideology.

           Foss (1989) also asserts that the goal of a rhetorical criticism is to introduce an artifact and essay that transforms the lives of the reader (p. 26). My goal for this analysis is to embody the persona of Leslie Knope herself, and inspire American citizens to engage in the idea of democracy. I know too many people who actively avoid anything political, because it’s not only an untrustworthy area, but it’s also confusing due to issues exactly like this essay: what even IS democracy? My contribution is to simplify the rhetorical foundation of what government is supposed to be to provide confidence the people should have about it.

Context and Artifact Analysis:

           Parks & Rec first aired sometime in 2009 while interest in politics really sparked after the 2008 Presidential Election. President Obama based his political campaign on “hope”, creating a positive aura around Congress. The creators of Parks & Rec were inspired by this and with the success of the politically charged show The Wire to produce a comedy about an optimistic woman starting her career in politics while highlighting the general failure of local government (Weiner, 2009).

           This government-loving optimist named Leslie Knope was born, and she reminded us every week why government is important, and what it stands for. She was always consistent in her views of democracy, women in government, and breakfast foods. All of the characters were impeccably cast, but Amy Poehler brought upon a certain charm and admirable trait to her love of government. Personally, I related politically more with the character Ron Swanson, a firm libertarian. However, I really loved Knope’s idea of democracy, and how often she talked about it.

           For instance, when visitors from Venezuela came to Pawnee, Indiana (the fictitious location of the show) to financially help build a park, one of the men tried to trick Knope into taking their money, videotaping the donation, so they could humiliate Americans back in their country. Knope hilariously stood her ground by reinforcing her American values by telling him, “I am gonna build that park myself, and it is gonna be awesome. And it's not gonna have a fountain shaped like Hugo Chavez's head spitting water all over everyone. Unless that's what the people want. And that, sir, is democracy.”

           When it came down to the recent election of Donald Trump, it was embarrassingly comforting to have that same reassurance by her. Honestly, there are more than enough quotes from the show itself to discuss, but her letter to America was classic Leslie Knope rhetoric covering a very real issue.

           To make her initial point, she almost immediately began with a story. She was in fourth grade, and her teacher conducted a mock election in which two fictitious characters were presented. One character was cool, promised things like extra recess and pizza with a candy bar crust, and the other was “bookish”, and promised to take things slow to be able to evaluate the problems of the school in a careful, intentional manner.

           But before they voted, one student (Greg) asked if they could nominate a third candidate. Her teacher replied, ““Sure! The essence of democracy is that everyone—” and Greg cut her off and said “I nominate a T. rex named Dr. Farts who wears sunglasses and plays the saxophone, and his plan is to fart as much as possible and eat all the teachers,” and everyone laughed, and before Mrs. Kolphner could blink, Dr. Farts the T. rex had been elected President of Pawnee Elementary School in a 1984 Reagan-esque landslide, with my one vote for Greenie the Tortoise playing the role of “Minnesota.”

           Knope then went on to say, “Winston Churchill once said, “Democracy is the worst form of government, except all those other forms that have been tried.” … The point is: people making their own decisions is, on balance, better than an autocrat making decisions for them. It’s just that sometimes those decisions are bad, or self-defeating, or maddening, and a day where you get dressed up in your best victory pantsuit and spend an ungodly amount of money decorating your house with American flags and custom-made cardboard-cutouts of suffragettes in anticipation of a glass-ceiling-shattering historical milestone ends with you getting (metaphorically) eaten by a giant farting T. rex.”

           Even in her self-proclaimed despair, she finds a way to make us laugh. More importantly, Knope reminds us the importance of having our belief system of democracy serve as the foundation to how government operations should run, even if the results don’t sway in the direction we want or intend. Regardless, “democracy only works if people get involved” (Pilot Episode) because “the whole point of democracy is decisions are made by the people, as a group” (Canvassing).

           There were also a couple of episodes in Season 6 where her idea of democracy was even further defined. In New Slogan, Leslie inspires the town of Pawnee to vote for a new town slogan. Obviously, she created most of the selections, and she encouraged the people to vote for one of the slogans. Well, matters took a brief turn for the worst when the local radio DJ “the Douche” suggested a write-in option of “The Home of the Stick Up Leslie Knope’s Butt”, and it led the polls. And why was there a write-in option you may wonder? “Because every election has a write-in option. That's how democracy works. I'm not a dictator. If I we're a dictator, I would throw the Douche in prison without a trial” (New Slogan). Once again, even though sometimes it makes her hysterically angry, her ideology of democracy guides practically everything she does, and every decision she makes.

           Even when her archenemy Councilman Jeremy Jamm snuck in a meeting to vote on a bill that would take away voting rights to its new citizens (there was a town merger that joined the bordering town of “Eagleton” when their government went bankrupt) right before Knope’s recall election. Councilwoman Knope interrupted the meeting to filibuster it so it couldn’t pass. During the filibuster, she found out that the new citizens supported her actions, but would not be voting in her favor. She had to weigh the options out loud, but ultimately remained true to her beliefs. She could’ve stopped in order to have a better chance in the election, but instead she declared that “the right to vote is fundamental in any democracy, and this is bigger than me or anyone” (Filibuster).

Ideological Criticism:

           By using the application of ideology to democracy, we can ensure a level of consistency that is desperately needed (and currently lacking) within political actions. As opposed to the restrictions the literal translation of democracy offers, the ideology behind it ensures that the “actions and their rationale are not isolated but woven into a broader fabric of understanding, anticipation, and value” (Brock, Huglen, Klumpp, & Howell, 2005).

           During my analysis of the presented artifacts, it is clear that Leslie Knope has a deeply rooted understanding of democracy that is based on the idea of “the people”; that government cannot properly or fairly operate without the input of its citizens. The element that Knope presents is that we also need people within our governmental systems to uphold those beliefs and values. We need people to encourage group participation.

           Although she explicitly speaks to females near the end of her letter, she acknowledges the misogyny protruding from Trump. Because this character is also quite the feminist, it probably would’ve been easier to cover this and other artifacts using a feminism approach. However, I’ve found that her hardcore belief in democracy is the basis of her rhetoric and actions. She encompasses the power within groups by simply using the word “we”; accomplished within this letter, and pretty much everything she does on the show.

           “We will acknowledge this result, but we will not accept it. We will overcome it, and we will defeat it. Now find your team, and get to work.”

           Democracy isn’t yet another form of government. It should be the idea behind every single decision made and action taken within the system. Political leaders and elected officials should stop and think, “Is this what the people want? AM I 100% SURE?” before signing or approving anything.

           Using her anger as a tool, she encourages the beliefs behind democracy to fight the good fight in politics, and overcome this embarrassment that is our current president. When she says, “I work hard and I form ideas and I meet and talk to other people who feel like me, and we sit down and drink hot chocolate (I have plenty) and we plan. We plan like mofos. We figure out how to fight back, and do good in this infuriating world that constantly wants to bend toward the bad. And we will be kind to each other, and supportive of each other’s ideas,” she is literally describing her idea of democracy in classic Leslie Knope fashion. As the elected official in her town, she remains determined to improve lives through the power of the people, and through communication.

Conclusion:

           Democracy shouldn’t be placed in a box, and set aside in politics. It should be the automatic default deciding factor for everything that happens in our government. Without the ideology of democracy, we have no real guide for how things are done. The values and beliefs behind it consistently point to the PEOPLE; not one person, not only elected officials. If anything, the elected officials should ONLY be acting in the wishes and demands of their citizens. No politician should have a final say in anything without the approval of the people first. Maybe that’s why our government is as screwed up as it is: because we have put democracy in a box, labeled it as a concept, and threw it in the dark and musty basement that no one ever goes in.

           Politicians want us to believe that the notion behind democracy is some liberal tactic to take more of your money, and encourages welfare systems “for the good of the people”. This also discourages others to participate in government because people will blindly accept and trust that elected officials will do the right thing. Well, if there is no foundation of beliefs, morals and/or values, what (besides dirty money) is left to guide them?

           Simple answer? Democracy. Myself, and others like Mrs. Knope (aka Parks & Rec writers) firmly believe that democracy is a set of beliefs grounding all political actions to be decided upon by the people. It is also the mutual understanding of myself and others like me that this can only be done through communication. Any politician has the “power” to draft a bill, and receive approval within the system, without ever reaching awareness of his or her citizens. In a fair and just democracy, that can no longer happen. Americans need to understand the true power of the people, and reconstruct our government to do the same. We are in desperate need of a government that works for us, not over us. We can only make this happen through the ideology of democracy.

[all-the-bookish-things-blog]

Does anyone else feel like they're on permanent low battery power?

It's hard to find a good metaphor - it's just like, you can have fun during the day and have energy for things and usually get through the basics of structured daily life without too much trouble, but the second you get home you can barely throw yourself into homework (or extra work-work) or social things or anything that requires even minimal effort, or even fun/your own projects because you're just so utterly frazzled and something so deep inside you just needs to completely crash and do nothing and sit in your pajamas and read and write and crochet and watch YouTube.

Everyone is always telling me, 'why do you spend so much time on the internet, you're wasting your life away!' no you don't understand I literally can't get out of this exhaustion prison cycle, no matter how much I sleep or how much alone time I give myself (it usually can't be more than a couple hours anyway because LIFE). I'm stuck here, running on battery saving mode as the world keeps dragging power out of me, day after day, every bit of it except the essentials needed to scrape by and kinda sorta function, and I'm desperately trying to charge again. I love to do lots of things, but no thanks I can't do them, I can't ever muster up enough power. I'm an introvert that's been put in a social washing machine day after day, spinning and drowning and losing my color and bashing into the walls and channeling all my focus into when I'm around people, and when I'm not, I physically cannot do anything else or I'll go insane, or collapse from exhaustion, or stab someone if they say ONE MORE WORD while I'm trying to rest.

Sometimes it'll seep into normal days, too, when I'm usually okay and friendly and have energy, and I'll just get really irritable at everything from people coming near me to random sounds to being given instructions to the texture of my sweater to having to eat food so I don't run out of energy completely and fall asleep on my desk to doing anything at all to the general EXISTENCE of people that are normally my best buds.

It doesn't matter if I have three hours to myself to rest every day, and eight hours to sleep, I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning. It doesn't matter that my day went well, because I am completely and totally out of juice from fake-extroverting and life in general. No, I can't go on that trip, or start that exercise regimen, or bake that pie, or go to that party. I cannot and will not move until I'm forced back into Social Mode. And the power just continually drains and you have less and less and less until you give up and you're just done. Doesn't matter if you have enough time to do your work. Not doing it, going on Tumblr instead. Doesn't matter that you agreed to do the dishes. Not doing them. Doesn't matter that your friends have started to avoid you because you've been negative and snappy for the past two months as you slowly crush yourself into the ground. Not attending their meet-up or party or trip to that kick-ass coffee place that you love, because NO. You've snapped, you're done, you're going to sleep for seventy weeks and also destroy anyone who's ever slighted you and also start a revolution. Somehow all at the same time. You'll figure it out.

But then you CAN'T ACTUALLY DO THAT BECAUSE THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME FOR IT, WHICH MAKES IT FEEL LIKE THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME FOR ANYTHING, so you're running on poison and spite, hurting other people, hurting yourself, because no you can't take a break if you're doing nothing every spare minute, that IS your break, but it's not enough, and it's never enough, and you just end up feeling like a crushed tin can with no self esteem or motivation? At all?

Is this adulthood?

[the-space-case]

Hello, yes, hi, I recently found your art and account and I love what you do. I'm turning 14 in April and I've asked for a drawing pad, but I have no idea how to use one as of yet. Have you got any tips or anything? Because I've wanted to try digital art for a while and your art makes me want to even more lmao. Thanks! - B.A.

BOI OH BOI DO I GOT SOME TIPS FOR U

(I’m not sure what kind of comp you’re going to be using, so I’ll list for both.)

FIRST: Drawing Programs; the free and the great.

-Firealpaca: Lightweight drawing program. I draw Recovery using this! It’s easy on the RAM if you have a weak comp/are paranoid about yours like I am, it is mainly for basic comic making, and has all the basic brushes you need (pen/pencil/airbrush/symmetry/etc). You can add your own brushes as well but they’re p basic settings. Has basic Animation/Gif making as well using Onion Mode! Layout is a piece of cake. Please note that If you leave it open for a week it’ll crash on you, even if you haven’t anything on it at the moment, and sometimes the brush sensitivity just stops working so you just have to close and then open it again. (Also I have no idea how to update it aside from deleting it completely and just downloading the new version from scratch, so thats a thing.) Mac/Windows

-MedibangPaint: This is basically FireAlpaca But Better. Has tons of screen tones, brush patterns, and tools. I don’t use it much because I’m used to FA’s layout and get confused with the the placement of tools in here, so if you can I highly suggest just going with this first. Also has basic animation/gif making! Has storage for the website as well, and you can upload more preset brushes. It’s v anime. This program has waaay more in terms of basically everything, so it just takes more RAM. NBD, you don’t have to have every brush downloaded from the storage ^u^. Mac/Windows

-Clip Studio Paint: Okay this one isn’t free, it’s a pricey one, HOWEVER once a year they take the price way fuckin down by at least 75%. Sign up for the email list and it’ll let you know when that precious day comes. It’s how I got it @u@, around christmastime? This program is basically MedibangPaint On Steroids. I do all of my digital-yet-tradition-style-painting on here! The brushes all have some neat af settings to play with, you can make your own brushes, has tons of screen tones, pre-made panels, and settings. You can save projects as basically anything you need, is a hardy program that almost never crashes, and It’ll take a nice chunk of space on your comp depending on how much memory you have but hey, its worth it. It’s much more complex layout-wise than the other two here, but you get used to it after playing around and watching tutorials haha.

-Mischief: It’s a 25$ app, has like four brushes and five layers only but is vector-based with an endless canvas. Not really worth having unless you like the vector thing. UP TO YOU. I spent forever with this one doing all that homestuck stuff, so it’s not really bad so much as it is a basic bitch. Mac

-MyPaint: I used this a bunch when I still did digital art on my windows laptop before I upgraded to a Mac. It’s easy on the comp and has plenty of brushes and settings. You can also get brush packages if you don’t feel like you have enough that comes with the program! Also has endless canvas; pretty sure you can just select an area and then export as is. I barely remember the rest but It’s pretty great. Windows/MacPorts(which I hate)

-GIMP: I hate this thing. I cannot figure it out for the life of me. It’s got loads of shit though, can handle layers, has plenty of brushes, and can do basic animation/gifs if you ever figure it out. Windows/mac

I’ve heard good things from paint tool SAI and Krita as well, but have never used them myself.

***You can always pay through the nose/use a student discount for the photoshop series and pay that shit monthly, those fuckers have literally everything, but I am a cheap college kid making minimum wage with a car payment; I’d rather just pay once/not at all.

TABLETS: treat that shit like a newborn babe 24/7

-I have literally only ever owned a Wacom Intuos4. It has lasted me six years, and at least five moves across many miles. I broke one of the cord ports the day I opened it by holding it wrong, have one left, and now treat it like it’s going to die if the cord moves badly. Please be aware that if you break both ports, you better either sodder it back together yourself or upgrade to smth else because it costs about as much as the tablet itself was bought at to be fixed. Good news, though, it comes with at least six extra pen nibs, has programable buttons on the side (that I have never bothered to use) and a scroll bar in case you’re too lazy to use the keyboard (…I don’t really use that either unless I’m just scrolling through tumblr LMFAO).

-I would die for a Cintiq.

HOT TIPS: its useful.

-most of the programs listed use the same keyboard shortcuts. MEMORIZE THEM. It’s pretty easy, since you’ll use em a lot. [cntrl/cmmd+T] lets you resize what you just drew on that layer, and [cntrl/cmmd+z] is undo. I use those the most, for obvious reasons.

-vector-based programs are pretty great because when you resize an image it looks prefect. You can’t do that with a program that isn’t, so I just resize the base roughdraft and draw the lineart again on the layer above so I don’t get weird JPEG quality lines.

-You can use a ruler with your tablet, just slap it on and go, but honestly most programs have settings for that. just use those.

-You can also trace stuff on your tablet, so long as the paper isn’t too thick. I just scan/take a photo and then open it up in the program, though. much easier.

-SAVE CONSTANTLY. Art programs like to crash on you, even when they’re hardy and you have a good comp. make it a habit to quick save your work.

-Use a desk and have good posture. You’ll be able to draw a hell of a lot longer if you do. I personally keep fucking up my knees by sitting on my legs as I work out of habit, and don’t actually have a desk chair. Keep your screen at eye level and at a fair distance to prevent eyestrain and also neck-strain haha

-Chances are you won’t be used to the tablet right away. Most places you buy from say it’ll take a couple of months to get used to how weird it is to draw while not looking at your own hand, so don’t be frustrated If your drawings look a bit off at first.

-if you draw at least one thing every day, by the end of the year you’ll have improved exponentially. I literally made this blog to make myself draw once a day.

-don’t be afraid to check out speedpaints and tutorials. It’s always good to get more familiar with the program you’re using and new techniques previously unconsidered.

-get familiar with clipping layers. They are insanely useful; you clip one layer to the one below and then when you draw it only shows up on the drawing of that layer below. Shit is a godsend if you’re bad at coloring in the lines/lazy. The bucket tool is also really useful, and you can adjust the expansion by pixel so you don’t miss anything between the lines.

-experiment with your brushes, shit be fun af

-warmup your wrists before and after drawing. prevent swollen veins and such. dont want hand pain/numbness, its reaaaaally bad.

—basically if your hands hurt stop for the day.

-PNGS are for internet, JPEGS are for printing/fucking with quality (cough hack homestuck)

-resolution doesn’t have to be much more than 350 dpi if its just going to be on a webpage. Maximize that shit if you’re going to be printing, though. Especially if you put stuff on redbubble.

-DeviantArt has this thing called Sta.sh where you can dump art, keep it in perfect quality and just share it with certain people with a link instead of all of the website. Great for storing commission pieces, its the only reason I have DA in the first place.

-you get a different audience depending on what site you use for posting art, so keep that in mind for the kind of feedback you want.

-after awhile of drawing using a tablet, you may lose patience/forget that in traditional art there isn’t an undo button lmfao It’s cool; you don’t have to choose one over the other or anything.

-Honestly you can work around almost anything. You just invent new ways and techniques for yourself and you’ll do just fine.

Aaaaand that’s all I got for today! Thanks for sticking around

[tbsbookclub-blog]

Diaries of a Hopeless Romantic - Firas Aouinet

Her: What would you do if you were bestowed with a million dollars? Him: *inhaling deeply, exhaling slowly, running a hand through his hair* well... That would be the peak of generosity. I've so much in my mind that I don't know where to start. Her: Don't think. Be spontaneous. Say the things that come straight to your mind. Him: Gym equipment. No no. I'd buy a big house with a gym that's equipped with the tools I need. It shouldn't be much, I'd need a bench, a set of dumbbells, a set of resistance bands, a pull-up bar, a couple of MMA gloves, a punching bag and yoga mats. I don't need the fancy machines. 

I'd get my driving licence. I'd pay my parents’ debts. I'd buy my parents nice new clothes, take care of my mom's health problems, get her the treatments she needs. I'd invest some of the money in a profitable project, so I could have a stable income. I'd buy lots of books, the ones I've always wanted like the 4 remaining volumes of "series of unfortunate events" , the 4 remaining volumes of "The dragon chronicles" and the whole "The vampire diaries" books set. I'd buy all the healthy food I've always dreamed of eating and all the supplements I need to build my muscles and burn all that stubborn belly fat. And how can I forget about shopping? I may be a male, but I love shopping for new clothes. Vests, boots, oxfords, monk straps, wingtips, designer shirts and *raising his voice in excitement* NIKE MERCHANDISE. I might invest in a gym. If I'm to make money out of something, I might as well invest in something that I'm passionate about. Throw in dancing lessons over here, cross-fitness classes over there, some cardio kickboxing sessions, weight lifting,the whole package. I'd be my own boss and to top it, I'd be a trainer as well. I'd be able to buy watches, suits, shades, ties. I'd have a a whole room just for my clothes. I'd buy a new performance computer with all the gadgets that come along. I'd get the grooming kit  I've always wanted. I'd get the fancy facial care stuff. It sounds girly, but it's of paramount importance that I take care of my body. But what I'm mostly looking forward to is... *looking her dead in the eyes with flooding affection and overwhelming awe* buying a plane ticket to Romania to fly over there and spend my holidays with you. *so casually* Oh and a wedding ring.

Her: *staring at him, silent* Him: babe what is it? her: *eyes filling up with tears* what if I said that you only get to have 500 dollars out of the million? Him: *as fast as a thunderbolt* buy a plane ticket to Romania. The rest of the money will be pocket money for our daily dates for my whole staying. her: *tears of joy* I love you. Him: *hugging her* I love you more. *he sighs* all this day-dreaming stirred up some upsetting emotions. Money would solve most of my problems. The general statement about money is that it can't buy you happiness. Money can't buy you permanent happiness because it can definitely buy you a few minutes, hours, sometimes even days of happiness. And let's be honest, there's nothing in the whole vast universe that can give you constant, unending happiness. Hear me out: Even love has its ups and downs. There are break ups, needing space, arguments, quarrels and constant bickering. Even if there were such a thing as a perfect relationship where all those negative factors are taken down to their minimum level, DEATH would kill that happiness. Pun intended *he takes his tongue out at her*. Howbeit, I'll admit to this: love's happiness has to be better than money's, and you're the only example I need for that *he grins at her and she launches herself at him, bear-hugging the life out of him* Would you like to hear about my date ideas? Her: *sniffling* I do babe. Tell me. Him: *putting his index over his pursed lips* hmmmm.... Let's see.. For our first night, you'll be taking me to your favorite restaurant. NO SUSHI though! Just thinking about eating raw fish makes my skin crawl and I want none of that. We'll go for a walk afterwards, maybe we'd check the park you're always telling me about. And if it happens and we find ourselves alone there, we might end up having some fun and we'd finish our fun back at your bedroom. No need to go for the details now or it might spoil the surprise. I've got some new moves that I'm dying to show you.. We'd sleep until late morning the next day, I'd make you breakfast in bed, I'd cook you some of the recipes I learned through an awesome youtube channel called "5-minutes craft", which reminds me that you should definitely check it out, it has extra awesome hacks in about whatever domain that's involved in our daily lives. Since you'll probably have school, I'll sit at home, read a book, write something Or... *a light bulb flashes on top of his head* I'd sneak in class with you, have a taste of what you deal with 5 days a week. Maybe I'll get the chance to prank that pervert Analytical Chemistry professor. Boy do I want to teach him a lesson not to hit on you again. Oh I'll definitely kick Braun in the balls though for ordering you that alcoholic drink the other night. As for Armand... *he narrows his eyes thoughtfully* I'll cook something up especially for him. I might put Cyanide in one of his drinks, or maybe itching powder in his clothes OR I could simply beat the shit out of him, who knows, I'm unpredictable. her: *nudging him in the stomach* Would you stop it? Why do you have to be so mean? Him: *wicked smirk covers his devious face* You wouldn't call me Lucifer if I wasn't, now would you? Besides, it should be fun and thrilling for me since I don't want neither of them to be my friends, nor will I encounter them again. Don't even try to think of one of those almost-impossible-to-happen scenarios where I end up working for one of them or even the both of them because I'd quit my job immediately. Did I say quit? I wouldn't even apply. If anything, I'll have them both work for me and I'll make their lives a living hell just for trying to mess with what's MINE. Her: OH MY GOD I'm dating a sociopath! Him: *faking surprise* Why would you say that? What could I have possibly said that would indicate ME being a sociopath? Her: Your tone. You were so casual about it, no high pitched voices or anything that would imply that you're angry. Him: My self-control training is fruitful! Fantastic! Her: You? Self-control? You've the emotional intelligence of a child! Him: You and me both honey *he kisses her neck*. Now would you please let me get back to my fantasy trip? Thank you! Now where was I? AHA! I was making their lives a living hell. I've taken the liberty to look up tourist sightseeing locations and I landed on a couple that I'd love for us to inspect. Inspect? Why would I use inspect? I guess I couldn't find another synonym for visit. Anyway, Romania is crawling with castles and I'd love to pay a visit to each and everyone of them, have that Dracula experience in the Bran Castle. Maybe if we're lucky, one of us will get bitten and turn the other and we'll live happily ever after feasting on people's blood. Her: My god you're insane. Let me check *she knocks on the back of his skull with her knuckles* No, it's empty. You officially don't have a brain. It's just a hollow empty space in your crane. Him: *completely disregarding what she just said* We'd have to get daylight rings though. Do you know any witches? No? It's okay. There must be a couple lurking around that castle. We'd pay one of them to construct us a 2 for each of us, you know in case we lose one, we'd have the second. If we have enough cash, we'd have 3 made for each of us. Mine will have to look like Stephan's from The vampire diaries. I call dibs on that. Well those castle visits would probably cost us 4 days minimum. We'd spread them across the whole week and in-between we'd go bowling and I won't let you win because I'm competitive as hell. Her: *intercepting his words* As if I need you to win by myself. I've been practicing with Armand... *She suddenly stops mid-sentence and slowly looks up at him all puppy-eyed and apologetic* Him: *his facial features change, jaws clenching, stare hardening piercing through her wide eyes* *in a voice that's calm and almost a whisper* You.are.going.down. As for him, I'll be inflicting the worst of penalties upon him. *a shadow of a grinch-ish grin appears on his face* Now how about we make a bet? Her: *confused* What bet? Him: If I win, you'll be paying for dinner every single night. Hold up, my terms aren't over yet. You'll have to kick him in the balls as hard as you can while telling him not to bother you again with no option of apologizing to him afterwards EVER. If you win, I'll literally do anything you ask of me. You can ask me to be your slave, you can ask me to give up video games, ANYTHING. But mark my words babe: I've a huge appetite in the evening. Her: Why are you this evil? How could I have allowed myself to fall in love with someone as devilish as you? It's like satan went "hmmm I'd like to walk among humans and see what all the fuss god has made is about! Alright I'll shapeshift into one of them and walk amongst them" And TADA here you are. Him: *holding her with both hands by the cheeks* I don't think satan is able to be vulnerable with the only human being he's in love with! *he kisses her* And I'm totally defenseless against you. Her: *sarcastically* Satan is THE master of lies, deception and deceit. You could be doing that just now! Him: *tickling her* you think you're so smug, don't you? Nevertheless, I'm kicking your glorious behind in bowling and that's that because I said so! I'm looking forward to the day where I'm offered 500 bucks babe. *he gawks at her* I love you Her: I love you too!

[darkot]

I... am immensely pissed off right now.

I feel like I start every one of these entries like that, but... GOD DAMNIT!

For a year.. an entire fucking year, I had been meaning to make a Phoenix Wright painting with Edgeworth and Von Karma as the subjects and post it on December 28th, 2016--the date of the final in-game case--as an homage to the amazing game series that I fell in love with earlier that year. And I fucking missed it.

You can’t comprehend the deep seeded rage that stirs inside of me as of writing this. I just.. holy fuck, dude. I have no words.

It’s not just that, but a lot of other stuff going on that has been incredibly frustrating. I literally just realized the whole missed painting thing moments before writing this. That was just icing on the anger cake.

I worked for about 7 or so hours on the next storyboard for the film project I’m working on. Nothing inherently went bad with that, it’s just... my lack of speed is showing. I’m only billing the guy I’m working for, for 4 hours, because at some point I need to concede that it is my own lack of skill that caused it to take as long as it did. Granted, it was a very complex board. But still, it’s just.. argh.

I just finished watching the last dubbed season of One Piece last night, which was the final episodes before the time skip. Even though I already adored that show, that season was fucking astounding. I would go on to praise it further, if it wasn’t for this seething wrath that is currently dominating my mind.

The general theme towards the end of the season was that all of the main characters recognized that they needed to get stronger to tackle the challenge ahead of them: The New World. It was strangely coincidental because that’s a lot of how I’ve been thinking lately. Not that I need to get stronger in the physical sense, but.. I want to hone my skills further. I need to get better if I want to go where I want to go in the world. As of right now, I’m too weak.

Another thing that’s pissing me off: I ordered two art figures back in November, and they still haven’t arrived. Figma Archetype: He, and Figma Archetype: She. I figured that they would help a lot in drawing those story boards. But so far, they haven’t helped at all because they haven’t arrived! It is t-minus ten days until I can complain about it to the site I bought it from. I already tried emailing them to ask if they could contact the shipping company and make sure that it left Japan, to which they essentially told me to fuck off until 60 days had passed. So, I’ve been waiting.. and waiting... and waiting. And nothing. The tracking info for this type of shipping only has four entries. When it is processed in Japan, when it has left Japan, when it has arrived in Canada, and when it has been delivered.So far, it has gone through the first two.. but it apparently “left Japan” on the 16th of November. So, if the tracking info is to be believed, it has been in transit for nearly two whole months. That.. seems rather unlikely. But okay. January 15th. It’s still got time. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and it will be delivered? I’ve been saying that to myself every day for the past eight weeks. But maybe tomorrow will ACTUALLY be the day.

Don’t even get my started about Overwatch. Again, nothing inherently bad has been going on with it. I ended today at 3070, which I’m pretty okay with. But the last match before me and my group ended really got under my skin. Or rather, somebody on the enemy team did, which I honestly don’t care to admit. 

We were on Lijiang Tower. They were playing Reaper. I was playing Reaper. I was absolutely decimating him when we 1v1′d during the match. However, they ended up winning that round, so that gave him ground to start trash talking out of saltiness. Then, during the second round, I concede that I did absolutely nothing. Their team was too coordinated for me to be effective, and he won most of our encounters. So, he pushed it further and just kept goading me and goading me. I was honestly getting really annoyed. At this point, I hadn’t said a single word to him, but he was just making this a dick measuring contest. So, I switched to Pharah. At that point, I was absolutely slaying. I started the third round with 11 kills and ended with 37. I landed two direct rockets on an enemy Pharah that I don’t even know how I hit. For the second one I had to turn around 180 degrees and aim up above me.. it was weird that I was able to instinctively predict that, that is where they would be. I just trusted myself to land the shot and got it. From the kill cam on their end though, they must have though I was using some sort of bot, haha.

We won the next two rounds, and then it was tied 2-2. At this point that guy had all but shut up because we were making a big comeback. And in the final round, I choked. Fucking hard. It was a very close game. We had 90% on the point, they had 99%. At the very end, they started to make this last push. Their Pharah came in, and she had a Mercy pocketing her. Even though I had been doing insanely well up to that point, something about that just made me.. panic. I don’t like fighting a Pharah+Mercy combo as a Pharah without a Mercy. I am confident in Pharah vs. Pharah battles. I don’t like Pharah+Mercy vs. Pharah+Mercy, but I can deal with it. But Pharah+Mercy vs. Pharah is the worst thing as the lone Pharah. That said, I definitely had a disproportionate reaction. I saw the Pharah with the Mercy beam on here, and something in my brain said “I know, I can win this encounter my ulting them. I ult, am immediately two shot and downed by the damage boosted Pharah, their team capitalizes on the pick, rest of my team goes down, and we lose.

Nobody says anything. Not even that dickhead Reaper from earlier. But I have been beating myself up about that ever since it happened three hours ago. That could have definitely been a win. Perhaps we were going to lose no matter what happened, but I more or less sealed our defeat with possibly the worst ult that I have ever done in Overwatch. I don’t know what I was thinking. I had this sense of needing to carry because the other DPS wasn’t doing a whole lot. I guess my brain went “If I die to this Pharah+Mercy, we’re done for.” Talk about your self-fulfilling prophecy... god, that was stupid. I ended with 49 elims, which frankly is pretty decent. I was doing well that game. Up until the very end. But that’s just.. not good enough. I don’t settle for doing well and then messing up. It’s extremely aggravating to me. It sucks when it is somebody else who makes the mistake, but when I’M the one who throws the game, that feeling of failure is the worst..

So, mark that as another display of inadequacy today, along with how long it took me to finish that picture.

Though this hasn’t just been today, I’m having writers block when it comes to a character for that AQ3D series I’m working on. That has been bugging me for a week now. But DING DING DING, we’ve got three! That’s three areas that I’ve done shitty in lately! Do I hear four? Well, I haven’t streamed in over a month either because I still haven’t worked out the “second entity” idea.

I don’t know, man. My mind’s just feeling so polarized right now. Technically, I’m getting shit done. I finished a storyboard. I went up about 60 SR in Overwatch today. I am two lessons away from completing one of my school courses. But.. it’s just not good enough. That board shouldn’t have taken that long. I should have went up 90 SR today. I should already be done those final two lessons.

Like.. fuck, man. I.. I just want to get to a point where I’m satisfied with how I’m doing. People are right when they tell me that I’m my biggest critic. But that’s why I draw, and that’s why I play Overwatch competitively. To prove something to myself. That I can make a picture that I consider beautiful, or to reach master rank. Whenever I take on a challenge such as these, or entering an art contest (which I haven’t done in years at this point o.O), or auditioning for a voice acting role, or accepting my friend’s offer to do storyboards for the film series.. it’s to prove to myself that I can do it. That if I put my mind to it, that I can accomplish this, because my mind is great. That if I try my heart out, that I can succeed, because my heart is strong. But time and time again, I only end up disappointing myself. I always get in reach of that horizon, but always fall short. My family has always told me that I make them proud, but.. I haven’t ever managed to make myself proud.

The worst part is seeing my potential, and not reaching it. Like that 180 upwards airshot on that Pharah. That is possibly the craziest thing that I have ever done in Overwatch (I really wish I was recording/streaming, so I had it saved =/). Or the painting I did of Notch that blew up on Twitter (not in terms of skill, because that picture was god awful. But in terms of the response people had to it). Or getting 10 Twitch followers in 2 days. Sometimes, I feel like such a one hit wonder.

Aside from individual ambitions, I worry that it taints my overall dreams too. The other day, a friend on my team was going through a rough time. They were really down on themselves because of things their family was saying about them, and because of their own personal opinion of themselves. I gave a pretty long speech to them in our Discord text channel to try and lift their spirits. This, was that message: “It's not that big of a deal, Wild.. I was below 3000 just a couple days ago. Hell, I think I dipped into the 2800s last week. SR will fluctuate. Wildly, at times (hue hue). It's natural. 

You can't let your Overwatch rank be a measure of your personal skill. In-game, or out-of-game. Back in season 1, I was determined to reach top 500 because I wanted to prove to myself that I was capable of doing it. That if I really set my mind to it and tried my heart out, that I could reach that goal. What I came to realize though, was that competitive Overwatch is one of the worst things to base any sort of personal merit on. At the end of the day, it is a team game. No matter how well you do, you alone can not determine the outcome of a game. It is a collective effort made by all 6 people. This is even true when you are playing with us. Sometimes, we'll be having a bad day. But you can't let that make you think that it was your fault. You're only one man. 

Likewise, sometimes you'll be having a bad day too. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Everybody does. We can even have a bad week or a bad month. But no matter what's going on, whether it's on your end or you're having a stroke of bad luck with team mates, that still doesn't say anything about you, or what you are capable of. 

Through sheer will, you can do a lot of things. Single handedly winning a comp match is not one of them, however. That's like trying to win a football game on your own. It just doesn't work without teammates that are also on their A-game.

IRL, you aren't a failure either. You're only a failure if you give up. But we're all here. We're all trying our best each and every day, and that's all that anyone can fairly ask of you. Nobody has all of the answers and goes through life without a single bump in the road. All of us, even our predecessors, blindly walk forward and just.. try. Sometimes it doesn't work out. Or, sometimes, our best efforts at accomplishing something are slow. But that's FINE. Millions before you have gone through the same, and millions have come out of it alright. 

 "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." - Lao Tzu 

No matter what's going on, I know you're doing fine, Wild. People may judge or criticize--even those close to us--but as long as you're taking one step every day (doesn't matter if it's forward or backward), then you're doing your part. Be kind to yourself.”

I was worried that the others wouldn’t be too happy about the wall of text, but the response was overwhelmingly positive. They were all telling me how brilliant and beautiful what I wrote was. (One even said to remember them when I’m famous, which was really out of nowhere o.o) That was one of those periodic reminders that I have the ability to change minds. Something in my delivery, or the way I speak, or the way I act makes people listen to me. I’ve made bigots think critically, I’ve made the pessimistic dare to hope, I’ve made the fearful test their courage. But, in this instance, the one person who I was trying to touch with my writing, the friend who was having trouble, didn’t respond positively. It did not seem to lift their spirits much at all. Once again, another example of seeing what potential there is, and not quite meeting it.

That’s the type of thing that makes me fear that I won’t succeed in my dream of changing society for the better. It seems like, no matter what it is, I am always one step short. What if my work doesn’t touch the lives that I’m intending to? Maybe it too will fall short of achieving greatness, as its creator does.

God, Herman Tech messed me up. This is like.. a psychological scar from that experience. I see more failure in myself than I know is there in reality. I just.. want better, for myself.

In a lot of these situations, it feels like it’s me, holding myself back. That if I could let go and be more expressive in my artwork, and trust my instincts when taking shots in OW, and just.. generally be me, totally uninhibited... that I could accomplish so much more. But, for my whole life, I have put on faces for people. I adapt my personality to whoever I’m talking to, so we both have the smoothest interaction possible. At this point, after doing that for so many years, I don’t know who “totally uninhibited me” is. I have a VERY vague sense of that. But I’ve been out of touch with myself for a long time, now. I’ve developed my philosophies and thoughts, but I’m still very distant from my soul. My being. That’s a large part of the discord that I’ve felt stirring inside of me. I think too much, but I really don’t know how to do anything else.

Well, tomorrow’s another day. Maybe those figures will arrive...