#literally how long has it been since my 4k celebration. who even remembers. well i do! from time to time

[magnusedom]

airam’s 4k celebration: ↳ 🎁 buddie in 911: suspicion (4x13) & survivors (4x14) for @tallahasseemp3

[girl4music]

My review of the XBOX Series X

So I’ve had nearly a full week with the XBOX Series X and here is my honest opinion on my experience with it and this is my initial review of it. I’m not gonna talk about the technology or go into anything about the console’s hardware too deeply. I will talk about the features and benefits it offers. Going into some things that work and don’t work as well as promised by Microsoft and XBOX. Finally, I will talk about all the bugs and issues that I experienced and found most annoying. Most of which have already been identified and reported. 

First up, be aware that I am coming from an XBOX 360 as my last XBOX console experience so I may say stuff that applies to the XBOX One as well.

1. BACKWARDS COMPATIBILITY AND AUTO HDR: Microsoft promised that the XBOX Series X and S would work right out of the box with 1000’s of gaming titles across 4 generations. This promise holds up… However, they do not run anywhere half as well as they also promised they would. They do run better than their native platform, that is true. But it’s not a groundbreaking difference. And AUTO HDR doesn’t really work with most games that never had it to begin with. It makes the colours and textures look really odd and you don’t get that nostalgic feeling of playing an old legacy title because of the “updates”. Which is something I was very much looking forward to. It’s pick your poison I guess. You can either have a legacy game running better and looking greater on a platform that can take the graphical fidelity and framerate boosts, or have a full reunion with your beloved legacy games from your childhood. You can turn AUTO HDR off via the main console settings, but this still doesn’t really give you the latter. Not in my personal opinion anyway. It’s not disappointing as it’s not something I really expected. I just would have liked to have it. Nostalgia >>> Shiny any day.

2. QUICK RESUME AND LOADING TIMES: The XBOX Series X (can’t speak for the S) has significantly improved on speed thanks to the custom lightning fast and functional SSD. So much so that you can now travel between multiple games fully loaded up on the SSD within the time of a few seconds. However, quick resume is not only useful to be able to play between 3 or 4 games (more according to YouTube influencers who have tried and tested this out far more than me) in one sitting. You can also effectively use it to save your game. Or rather… Replace save states IN a game. What quick resume allows you to do is keep your game saved at ANY point, and completely SHUT the console down and UNPLUG it for several days (or longer, again, never tested it that far) and then PLUG it in and switch it ON again, and come back to exactly where you left off in the game. And I do mean EXACTLY WHERE YOU LEFT OFF!

For example; you could be in an all-important boss fight in ‘Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla’ and be so frustrated with not being able to beat this boss after trying many times. You could indeed just pause the game, come out to the dashboard, turn the console off and walk away from it all…. And when you came back to have another go at it, you would not have to restart the boss fight and just carry on with where you left off in chopping down their health. I did this several times because I suck at boss fights… And every time, this worked and it was the strategy that got me through them all. So a little cool off time is more than affordable with the XBOX Series X. And if you hate boss fights, suddenly you won’t hate boss fights as much anymore if you do the same. It makes a world of a difference to your experience. Believe me, quick resume is a literal life-saver.

To add to that, you also benefit from much quicker load times both with booting up the games and in-game fast-travelling or level-entering. Instead of 5 minutes waiting for a game to boot up into the main campaign or wherever,… It will take at most up to 50 seconds for the most power-taxing of games. 'Grand Theft Auto 5' for instance, known for it’s notoriously long boot into story or online mode… Now only takes 10 seconds from the company title advertisements to get into the area of the game you want to play. It is so fast that you do not have the time to read the tips and tricks dialogue that takes up the screen during the initial loading. It’s honestly a quality of life you never even knew you needed or was missing until you had it.

3. BUGS AND ISSUES: Being that I bought the XBOX Series X at Launch (November 10th), I very much expected it to come with a plethora of bugs and issues to discover and be witness to as a consumer and user of newly developed and released hardware and software. And these bugs and issues have already been identified and reported to Microsoft and the respective console and game developers. Bugs where you cannot play games that offer 4K at 120 hertz (4K/120fps) without visual and audial distortions or even without turning the game off altogether. I particularly had trouble with this in trying to play ‘Rise Of The Tomb Raider' 20 Year Celebration edition. Once I downloaded it from the XBOX Store fully, (which took a LONG FUCKING TIME, we’ll get on to that in a bit), I immediately tried to play it and because my display settings were set at 4K/120 because I have a TV that supports that setting, it was having all sorts of problems in booting up. There was all this distortion happening on screen both visually and audially that I thought my ultra high speed HDMI cable that came with the console was broken or faulty. I also remember specifically that it kept turning my Game Mode on and off rapidly and I didn’t know how to stop it avoiding a full reset of the console. This game was the worst for it but it also happened in other games I tried to play too. Including those I had as physical disks.

Speaking of… I did not encounter the “black/blank screen of death” issue other next-gen XBOX consumers and users did where you would enter a game disk and be met with a black or blank screen. BUT I did have trouble with downloading the “updates” for the games I had bought physically. I expected the games I downloaded digitally to take a long time to download fully, but I figured that it would be much quicker for the “updates” for physical games. This was not the case, and for some games, it actually took LONGER. I don’t know why this happens or if it can even be fixed in a firmware update, but it has put me off buying games physically for it, which is certainly not a good thing for store game retailers. And I’m someone who actually cares about that and would want to help them out as much as possible since they are a dying breed. But if it takes longer to download physical games than to download digital games, I’m not sure I can hold up that promise. The time it takes to download is a major frustration for me. I’ll be leaving my console on for long periods of time doing nothing but downloading that I otherwise wouldn’t. And I’ve got to say right now that I am glad I do not have an OLED TV where this would be much more of a problem due to burn-in risks. I would highly suggest anyone who is buying a new TV for their XBOX Series X or S with all the bells and whistles to not buy an OLED for this reason. Leaving an OLED TV on with a display picture that never moves for hours at a time would severely decrease it’s life and usage capacity. I recommend a Samsung QLED TV instead. That’s what I’ve got. I bought their Q95T 55inch 4K TV for gaming alone and it has not disappointed in the slightest. But I won’t go into why it’s the better TV to buy for next-gen gaming since this is not a TV review. You can look that up for yourselves at your leisure.

Another issue the XBOX Series X has is with its sharing image snapshots and video clips feature. The new controller for the console has a dedicated share button and that works really well. I’ve had no problems with it capturing the content that I want to share. But sharing to social media and to XBOX Live itself is the issue. And this happens with video clips more so than image snapshots. For some reason, when I go to share a video clip to Twitter, the load bar moves forward partly but then it immediately stops and gives me a black/blank screen. And sure enough, when I go to check my Twitter on my phone, it has not posted the video clip. And trying to share it to XBOX Live first and then share it to Twitter from my phone via the XBOX app doesn’t work either. The same issue applies here too. Black/blank screen when trying to share it to XBOX Live. Snapshot images also has this issue but every once in awhile it will allow you to share to both XBOX Live and social media (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Twitch ect…) whereas it will not allow you to share video clips at all. This is an issue Microsoft are aware of and are apparently fixing in a November firmware update at the end of the month. To what degree they fix it though is the real question because this feature is buggy as hell. So much for promoting and hyping up that dedicated share button on the controller, eh Phil Spencer and Co?

Well, that’s it. That’s been my experience with the XBOX Series X so far. Of course the pros of quick resume and loading times cut in half far outweigh the cons of faulty 4K resolution at 120 hertz gameplay and buggy sharing content features. I say do not let that put you off buying this fantastic piece of hardware because those bugs and issues can be fixed easily. The extremely long downloading for digital and physical games might not though and you might want to reconsider buying a next-gen XBOX console if you have an OLED TV. Or if you have the console already but not the TV to get the most advantages out of the console, consider buying a Samsung QLED instead. Thank you.

[alexistudies]

How To Find Balance: Work, Life, and School

hey everyone! Alexi here and its time for the next part of my 4k Masterpost Celebration series, ayeeeee. Okay, I decided to write a masterpost on finding balance, as its always difficult when you have so many responsibilities! My life consists of: working 2 jobs, being an officer in a club, being a McNair scholar, having a social life, spend time with my family, and most importantly, taking care of myself. And ever since I was little, I’ve always had a lot on my plate (due to lots of things) so finding balance has been a constant game for me, so here are some tips.

1. Use a planner/calendar/bullet journal/etc to keep track of everything.

Its really easy to get overwhelmed when there’s a ton going on and one way I ease my anxiety is by using my bullet journal! I write down due dates, my work schedule, club events, anything that will take a sufficient amount of time. Now bullet journalling isn’t for everyone, so you could use a planner since it doesn’t require much set up. OR you could use the calendar app on any of your devices to set reminders for deadlines, due dates, events. If you don’t know what works for you, it’ll take trial and error and that’s okay!

It takes time to get organized for the first time, to start a bullet journal for the first time, but its worth it in the long run. I usually set aside 90 minutes to update my bullet journal for the week to come, as well as put doctor’s appointments, meetings and such into my calendar on my phone.

Don’t forget to start small! Trying to have an over-the-top spread in your bullet journal will be overwhelming, so just start by writing simple to-do lists. Getting upset with yourself over not using your planner fully will only make you NOT want to use it anymore. Be patient with yourself.

Remember that none of these things have to be extravagant! A bullet journal is allowed to be simple and easy to manage, it shouldn’t feel like a dreaded task. If its not fun OR helpful, it might be time to switch to something else! Planners from Walmart or Dollar Tree work just as well as a Passion Planner. We’re all ballin’ on a budget around here.

2. Always schedule in time for yourself and time for physical activity.

No matter what I have going on, I always set aside the last hour(s) of my day to do things I enjoy: go to the gym, read, write, draw in my journal, scroll through tumblr, listen to music, ANYTHING I WANT. Sometimes, we get so caught up in doing what we think we should be doing and trying to fight the fear of missing out (FOMO) that we forget about ourselves! So try to set aside at least 30 minutes to an hour a day of just you time.

Physical activity is key to a healthy and happy life; it releases endorphins and dopamine, it helps with sleep, and you’ll have more energy! Now, I like to lift weights (the good ole athlete in me) and run, but thats honestly not for everyone (i hated it when i first started seriously training for sports). Find something you like to do, whether its go to the gym and use weight machines or free weights, go for walks, ride bike, swim. There are so many ways to be physically active that are actually fun.

Need a place to start looking for fun workouts? Use Pinterest! A lot of my workout inspo comes from there. Don’t have a gym? That’s perfectly fine! You can find plenty of rigorous bodyweight workouts that only require you. There are also some fitgrams on Insta that can provide inspiration that I absolutely adore like:

mikzazon (who also has a company called healthundefined)

kaisafit

Having their energy on your feed will inspire you to workout as well as give you workout ideas. Its never fun doing the same ole workouts all the time.

Remember to be patient with yourself. Start small and slowly progress. Don’t count calories or macros, don’t track your steps. Just move. Enjoy the feeling and the moment.

Check out my self-care tag.

3. After steps 1 and 2, identify where the rest of your free time is and use it to your advantage to socialize, hang with family, and relax.

Once you identify your priorities (school work, work, then personal time), schedule in all the fun things like hanging with your friends, going to the movies, spending time with family, literally anything you want. It could even be more personal time; its whatever you want it to be.

Try not to cancel plans with friends/family/etc because you will regret not going AND that’s the perfect time to unwind; everyone has to have time to unwind. You may not feel like going, but once you are in the moment with people you love and doing fun things, you won’t even remember why you were apprehensive to go.

I know this isn’t very studyblr-esque but its definitely something I hope is helpful to everyone AND is a reminder that balance is needed for mind, body, and spirit to be successful in all aspects of life. Again I hope this was helpful to you guys :)

[gukyi]

fire and ice | kth

⇒ summary: you hate winter, but taehyung is here to change that.

⇒ jack frost!au

⇒ pairing: taehyung x reader

⇒ word count: 4k

⇒ genre: fluffity fluff fluff

⇒ warnings: excessive use of the word “snow”

⇒ a/n: a very happy birthday to the love of my wholest life, kim taehyung!!! this is in celebration of that loser’s birthday. also, i got a lot of good feedback for a jack frost au, so here it is!

Maybe Kim Taehyung is a bit reckless and a bit untamed, but he sure knows how to have fun. After all, he’s been doing this for three hundred years, give or take a few decades. It’s not like ‘fun’ is a foreign concept to him.

He’s always been like this, really, always looking on the bright side of things, trying to find a way to make his life more entertaining. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, and Taehyung is anything but dull, if he does say so himself. With his staff in his hand and the promise of winter on his fingertips, Taehyung lights up the lives of those around him. Only, they don’t know it’s him. Nobody does, really. That’s when being Jack Frost isn’t as cool (hah) as people think it is.

Jack Frost? Yeah, that’s Taehyung. He’s sure you’ve heard of him, heard of what he does. Bringer of snow and ice, the fucker behind all of the times you’ve slipped on the ice while walking down the sidewalk. Though, Taehyung likes to think he’s being funny, and that he brings more fun than anything else. The snow is just a bonus. But yes, Jack Frost, Taehyung, it’s all the same to him. He’s the one that brings winter to your front door, knocking on it with pale hands and a lopsided, boxy grin.

Not many people know who Taehyung is—or, Jack Frost, that is—besides him being “just an expression” (God, he hates that phrase), but you do. You always have.

That’s why you’re his favorite.

Kim Taehyung has been trapped as an eighteen-year-old ever since he became Jack Frost, felt the cold sweep through his blood and replace it with snow, turn his hair silver and his skin a frost-white, but he’s known you ever since you were little. He remembers you well, remembers how, the first snow of your five-year-old age, you stormed outside, looking like a puffy marshmallow, and stomped around in the snow. He remembers your mother telling you that it was Jack Frost who did this, trapped snowflakes in your hair and flurries on your face. He remembers you frowning, turning your head to the side, and declaring that you hated him.

He remembers being seen by you next. Remembers standing in front of you, frozen as ice, as you shouted.

He’s been with you ever since.

You’re something of a Scrooge when it comes to winter, always have been, and Taehyung thinks it’s hilarious. He always puts in the extra effort, when the moon decides for a sprinkle or a blizzard to befall your little city, to see how you’ve been doing.

Taehyung brings fun, brings snowball fights and sledding hills and snow days, to the people of the world, but he brings a little bit of mischief when it comes to you.

The look on your face never fails to make him beam.

The story you tell with Taehyung began at age five and has continued ever since, with him letting the wind take him back to you to bother you for another winter, without fail. Taehyung has watched countries rise and fall, seen towns build and decay, seen the world turn for over three hundred years, but you’re something of a strange constant in his life. Taehyung lost track of time by his second winter as Jack Frost, but you bring it back to him.

Maybe that’s why he’s always so drawn to you. There’s something about you that makes him wish he were still human again.

He remembers, vividly, the sound of your shrieks as he took your sled ride too far, his staff controlling the breeze that kept you flying through the air until you gracefully fell into a snowbank, heart racing. He remembers how, at night sometimes, when the wind is howling and Taehyung is creeping outside your window, he’d blow it open, letting flurries dot your windowsill and the wind wake you up. Remembers how he was the one behind the ice patch in the high school parking lot, the one that made you fall in front of that stupid crush of yours.

He relishes in how you scream his name without fail, every time something happens to you.

Taehyung loves winter, but he thinks he loves teasing you even more. After all, you hated the snow even before Taehyung barged into your life.

And when you pull up in your family’s driveway after your first semester away at college, jumping out of the driver’s seat to pull your suitcase from your boot, Taehyung looks on from the dogwood tree that grows in your front lawn, and decides that this is the winter where he’ll teach you to learn to love the snow.

With a flick of his staff, flurries surround you, soft snowflakes dotting your hair, eyelashes, black peacoat. He watches you as you pause, suitcase almost rolling away by your side, and stare up into the sky.

“Taehyung!” You shout, and it makes him burst into a fit of giggles. The sound of his melodious laughter makes you turn your head straight towards him, eyebrow raised in disapproval. “I’m back home for half a day and already you’re doing this?”

Taehyung flies down from the tree, landing softly in the thin layer of frost that dots the fading green grass of your garden, and smiles. “Thought it’d be better if I got a head start this year.”

“Whatever, I don’t wanna hear it,” you say, fighting the grin Taehyung can see wants to make its way across your lips as you reach for your suitcase.

Taehyung takes one look at the thing and decides that the fun starts now. With a kiss blown your way, he sends your suitcase flying, a sheet of ice underneath its wheels that makes it travel on its own. You almost topple over once your fingers realize your suitcase is no longer there, and it’s once you catch your breath that you see it taking a cruise down your sidewalk.

“Taehyung!” You shout again, hands curling into fists as you shake them vigorously his way. Taehyung, mid-air, is bursting into laughter at the sight of you, fruitlessly chasing after your suitcase as it slides on the ice he’s made. When he finally regains his senses, he freezes the suitcase, stops it from sliding into the road as you place a heavy hand on the thing, leaning over to catch your breath.

Taehyung flies over, a chilly hand on the small of your back. “You okay?”

“I hate you,” you say, narrowing your eyes as you scowl. “You always make winter so much worse.”

“Well, lucky for you,” Taehyung says, walking casually beside you as you wheel your luggage back up to your house, now a whole uphill battle away, “I’m here to change that.”

“Excuse me?” You ask, shocked expression taking over your face as your eyebrow raises in question. You look in disbelief, mild concern lacing your features as Taehyung grins.

“I’m gonna teach you to love winter,” Taehyung declares.

You roll your eyes, eyebrows furrowed in worry as you heave out a sigh, watch your breath dissipate in front of your eyes, already knowing you’re not going to be able to do anything to stop him. Taehyung laughs as he watches you, blowing a kiss your way as he flies off, ready to take on the world with you. His kiss bursts into a flurry in front of your eyes, and you blink as you watch the flakes fall to the ground, shaking your head fondly as you walk inside your house.

Taehyung, taking respite in the dogwood tree once more, smiles to himself, and wonders about tomorrow.

At seven in the morning, Taehyung busts through your window and blows a cold kiss onto your sleeping face, and it would be a ruder awakening if he weren’t so overwhelmingly attractive. Taehyung smiles warmly, a weird sensation for the literal embodiment of Jack Frost, as he watches you rub the sleep from your eyes.

“What the fuck!” You shout once you realize he’s here, but you immediately collapse back onto your pillow, curling away from him as you throw a pillow on top of yourself. “God, can you wait?”

“Nope,” Taehyung says, shrugging happily. “You’re learning to love snow, end of story.” He’s already asked the clouds today to bring a snowfall to your town. It’s too late to turn back.

“Now?” You groan. “You’re making my room all chilly.”

“Kind of what you get for being friends with Jack Frost,” Taehyung reasons.

Even from under your pillow, he can hear you scoff. “I’d hardly call us friends.”

Taehyung pouts. “I’m hurt, Y/N. We’ve known each other for so long and you don’t even think we’re friends?”

You pull the pillow off of you, sitting up in your bed, hair messy and a trail of dried drool down your chin, and smile helplessly. “Well, I guess we’re kind of like friends.”

Barely an hour later, Taehyung is tugging you off of your front lawn, sled in his hand, as he leads you to the best damn hill in town. He’s been down this hill so many times, seen kids sledding down it since there was a town built in this little part of the country, that he knows it almost by heart. Knows what makes the snow here tick, the wind blow.

“I don’t know about this, Taehyung,” you say hesitantly, eyeing the hill with worry. “I’m not a fan of the snow on better days.”

Taehyung laughs, takes your warm, human hand in his frosty one, and tugs you up to the top of the hill, where children have already started to gather in preparation for sledding down. Fire and ice, is what it feels like when your skin touches. He can do nothing but stay cool, emanates only a frost and a chill, but that sweet burning of the heat of your hand as it meets his turns him drunk, desperate for more.

“Come on, it’s not that bad, Y/N,” Taehyung begs. He motions to a kid beside you, a small boy no older than six, as he gets on his belly on top of the sled, and skids down to where his mother waits at the bottom. When he stands up, he erupts into giggles. “Please?”

“You first,” you say, handing the sled to him.

Taehyung shrugs, happy to take a turn, and jumps on, the momentum sending him flying forward. With a little bit of a push, he flips in the air as he’s sledding down, shrieking with joy. When he reaches the bottom, he sends you a thumbs up, feeling like he’s five-years-old all over again. You roll your eyes and cross your arms over your coat. He takes that as his cue to fly back up to you, handing the sled to you.

“Your turn,” he singsongs.

You look tense, a little cautious, as you settle in on the sled at the top of the hill. Taehyung loves the way you look at him for guidance, your worried eyes meeting his, sparkling in the sun as it beats down upon the two of you.

“Here,” he says. “I’ll wait at the bottom for you.”

Your eyes grow even more nervous.

“Don’t worry, okay?” He tells you. “I’ll catch you if you fall. I promise.”

With that, he flies down to the bottom of the hill, right in front of you, arms outstretched. With a nod of his head, he motions for you to go.

You shut your eyes the second you feel yourself sliding, instinctively beginning to scream—in terror or excitement, neither of you can tell. Taehyung watches you the entire way down, sees the way your open mouth slowly curves into a smile as you find yourself getting the hang of this sledding thing.

That is, until you hit a hidden rock buried in the ground, and you go flying off of the sled, right into Taehyung’s arms. As his back hits the snow, he laughs.

“How was that?” He asks excitedly, looking down to meet your eyes, where your head rests on his torso. “Did you like it?”

“It was a little fun,” you say, pursing your lips. “I’m sorry I made you fall,” you apologize.

“That’s okay,” Taehyung says, arms still wrapped around you as you sit up. “I said I would catch you, didn’t I?”

The next thing Taehyung does is take you back home, letting you dust off the snow that’s gotten into your boots and on the nape of your neck and along your bare wrists, where your gloves meet your coat, before chucking a snowball right at your chest.

“Taehyung!” You shout, shocked. “What the hell?”

“Welcome to your first snow day, Y/N!” Taehyung says as he forms another snowball in your hand, tossing it right at your torso. You yell again, but this time a smile is fighting its way across your face.

“Oh, you’re in for it now, Taehyung!” You shout.

Taehyung’s always loved the feeling of snow as it hits him. Call him crazy, but Taehyung loves the snow on his skin, how the cold seeps into his bones and sends a chill down his spine. Maybe that’s why the Man in the Moon made him Jack Frost. Because no matter what happens to him, he’ll always find a home amongst the snow, peace in a blizzard, happiness in the cold. Taehyung sees the light in the darkness, the fun in the frost. He always has.

He’s screaming as he runs, dodging your snowballs as you pelt them at him. The sound of his voice makes you laugh, a giddy look on your face as you finally sock him in the head. It makes him fall flat on the ground, laying on his back, and he smiles. Now you’re finally getting the hang of it.

“Get up!” You shout, a snowball already at the ready. “What, Taehyung? Too scared?”

Jack Frost? Scared of the snow? Unheard of. Taehyung conjures up another snowball in his hand, not even having to move, and it’s a split second between him sitting up and throwing it at you before you’re on the snow floor as well, beside yourself with giggles.

He flies over, juggling snowballs in his hands as he hovers above you. Your eyes are scrunched up into crescents as they look at him, bright and warm and lovely, just like you.

“Starting to like the snow yet?” Taehyung asks you, knowing smirk on his face.

“I will, once I win this snowball fight,” you say, taking a chunk of snow and throwing it right at his chest as you get up, cackling. Taehyung gasps at the feeling, surprised you’d pull such a low blow like that, and turns around, only to see you disappear behind the tree in your snow-covered garden.

“Can’t hide forever, Y/N,” Taehyung taunts, a sizeable snowball dancing between his fingers. “You’re gonna have to face me eventually!”

“Not if I can help it!” You shriek, quickly moving away from the tree to toss another snowball his way. He dodges easily, watches it fall and melt into the rest of the snow that covers your lawn like a blanket.

He approaches the tree stealthily, though it’s not like the two of you are totally unaware of each other’s locations. He can hear you giggling behind the trunk, soft laughter filling his ears with song. It almost makes him not want to chuck this snowball at you, but too little too late, and he’s pressing the ball of ice against your back with a victorious cry as you gasp.

“Taehyung!” You shout, ready to chase after him, but Taehyung’s got another trick up his sleeve (he always does, he’s Jack Frost, after all). As he pauses, meeting your eyes, he flies upwards, leaving you speechless and pouty as he rests on a branch that hovers above your head. “That’s cheating!”

“Not cheating if you can always do it anyway,” Taehyung jokes. He’s too high up for your snowballs to reach, but not high enough for your voice to be out of earshot.

“You’re such a little asshole,” you say, but there’s no insulting tone lacing your voice. Only fondness, a happiness that Taehyung doesn’t think he’s ever heard from you before. At least, not when you’re surrounded by snow. It warms his frozen heart, makes him feel like maybe, if he dreamt hard enough, he’d become human again. Human enough to let his warmth seep into yours, press kisses along your skin without it turning to frost.

Humans are weird, or at least, they are now that Taehyung isn’t one, but it’s people like you who make him wonder what might have been.

“Come and get me,” Taehyung taunts, tossing a snowball casually in his left hand as he leans back on his right.

“You’re too high,” you whine. “I don’t like the snow enough to try and get you to come down.”

Taehyung pouts at the mention of your dislike of his favorite thing that exists in the known universe. He knows you’re just teasing him. He can tell, from the way you bite your lip to prevent yourself from smiling, to the laughter that still echoes in his ears. He’s done his job but he doesn’t want to leave you just yet. He never does.

“Aw, really?” Taehyung asks, bottom lip out. “That’s such a shame. Guess I’ll just have to—”

“Taehyung!”

He’s fallen backwards, let his hands let go of the tree trunk that keeps him steady, and it’s the sight of your wide eyes that has his crinkling into smiles. His legs are hooked onto the branch, keeping him safely hanging above you, and he looks down to see you shaking your head, breaths quick.

“God, you scared the shit out of me,” you say, a hand on your heaving chest.

“Worried, Y/N?” He taunts. “You know I can’t die.”

“I know,” you say, sighing. “You just wear me out sometimes, you know? I feel like I need to always be near you.”

“Worn out?” Taehyung asks, and he doesn’t even need to see you nod before he’s sending his magic down to you. It lifts you up, brings you to him as you come to rest on the tree branch next to him. He swings his body back up to meet you, smiling at the sight of you so close to him. “Wanna rest up here?”

“I’ve never seen my garden from up here before,” you say, in awe of the view. It’s like you’re the rulers of your own little world, a kingdom of snow right in front of your eyes. Surprisingly enough, there’s nobody you’d rather be up with than Taehyung.

Taehyung can feel your body heat through your many layers, coat over sweater over shirt, hat pulled tightly over your head and gloves warming your fingers. He feels how it emanates off of you, like a cozy campfire you roast marshmallows over. Taehyung can’t remember the last time he was near fire, but being with you makes him remember the feeling anyway. You’re fire, warming up his heart and teaching him that even if he’ll live forever, there are moments which he cannot forget. Moments like these.

“Did you have fun today?” Taehyung asks, swinging his legs. One of his feet hooks onto yours, making you jump in surprise before you realize it was just him.

“A little,” you concede, and even though Taehyung knows you’re a liar, knows that you had way more than just “a little” fun today, he takes what he can get.

“Really?” He asks in excitement.

“Just a little,” you insist, though Taehyung can tell that even you know you’re fibbing.

“Okay, alright,” he says, rolling his eyes as he lets you pretend that today wasn’t fun. “Whatever you say, Y/N.” A finger reaches up to press onto the tip of your nose, making you scrunch it up.

“Your fingers are so cold,” you say, taking one of his hands into yours. You bring it up to his mouth, blowing on it with your breath, and he can feel the heat touch it before disappearing into his skin, leaving it cold.

“It’s no use,” Taehyung says, but he’s not sad about it. “I’ll always be cold, Y/N.”

“That doesn’t matter,” you decide, meeting his eyes. When he looks into yours, he can see beauty and wonder and love swirling in your irises. He wonders if you can see the pure adoration in his. “You’re warm to me.”

Hearing the words makes Taehyung do something he never thought he’d ever so, not since he became Jack Frost, bringer of fun. He places a frost-covered palm on your cheek and presses his lips to yours. Fire and ice. That’s how it’ll always be, the two of you. Fire on his lips and his tongue, ice as it decorates your hair and your skin.

When you part, Taehyung can see his breaths as he takes them, mixing with yours. He’s never been able to do that before.

“Glad I could teach you how to love the winter,” Taehyung says, and the smile that breaks out on your face is enough to warm him with the heat of a thousand suns. You’re all of the warmth he’ll ever need.

“I don’t love it just yet,” you remind him, eyebrow raised. His hands still rest in yours.

Taehyung shrugs, an idea lighting up his mind. “Then, I suppose I’ll have to come back tomorrow?”

You nod happily, and finally, finally, finally, Taehyung knows why he was always drawn to you. “I’d love to see you again.”

⇒ hmu with feedback or just talk to me here!

[i-love-my-exhoes]

Study Buddies

Pairing: Suho x Reader

Genre: Fluff (I Think?? That was what I was going for at least)

Summary: A whole year of neglecting her studies has lead y/n to desperation on the Friday night before her exams, she has two days to get a hang of everything, including math. Her only hope now for passing finals is her tutor, but focusing on math will prove a challenge when her longtime crush Junmyeon is the one teaching her.

Wordcount: 4K

It had been a busy week at school, everyone was fussing over things like ‘finals’ and ‘studying for them’. It honestly made you wonder what you were doing with your life since you weren’t worried at all. Maybe you just got distracted too easily?

The school hallway was crowded, mostly because all the freshmen just stood still in the middle of it. You sighed, smoothly pushing yourself past them. You reached your locker and after shoving all your books into your bag you were free to celebrate the weekend. You took out your phone while walking out the school, texting your friends to see who had time to hang and maybe play some games.

It wasn’t long before one of them replied, but it wasn’t the sort of reaction you were hoping for. You frowned as you read the text that reprimanded you for trying to distract your friends and ordered you to go study. You sighed again loudly and stopped walking towards your house.

Being at home would be boring if none of your friends were around, so you might as well head to the library to actually study for next week’s finals. It would make your teachers happy, they’d been telling you to start studying for months but you’d just ignored them until now. Why study when you could not study?

You regretted all your life decisions. You’d been in the library for half an hour now, just staring at you maths book. You didn’t get any of it, at all. How were you supposed to differentiate a function when you didn’t even know what a function was?! 

it was two hours later that you realized that just trying until you got it right wouldn’t help you learn fast enough if finals were next week. You needed a tutor. An actual person to explain everything to you. Everything, in two days.  You slammed your face onto your book. There was no way anyone would try to do that, not even your friends liked you enough to do that for you even if you paid them.

You grunted as you lifted your face from your book and took your phone from your pocket, you didn’t have any time to lose so you started looking for someone that could help you right away.

You stepped out into the cold along with all the other students that had been learning for finals, the library was closing. You had looked for a tutor for about half an hour, messaging quite a few people. But the only replies you had gotten were to help you after finals, all tutors in town were busy with other students.

‘y/n? is that actually you? what are you doing at the library?’ It was Minseok, a guy from your literature class, you two had hung out together a few times because you always played video-games with him and a few friends of his. ‘Don’t tell me you were actually here to “study”’ he whispered the last word, You had quite the reputation in your year.

‘Believe it or not, I was actually trying to’ You told him as you started walking, the both of you lived in the same neighbourhood so you could pretty much walk home together. ‘Didn’t go too well though, especially math. I didn’t get anything’ He laughed at that, the breath he released turned into white puffs in the cold air.

‘What did you expect y/n, you didn’t even do any of the homework assignments. Even a genius wouldn’t pass finals like that’ He was still chuckling over your pain, the sadist.

‘What should I do Min? I searched the entire area for a tutor, but literally, everyone that would want to tutor me is too busy’ You fussed, calling him by his nickname that you made because his name was too much of a hassle for you to pronounce. ‘I’m doomed! Doomed to repeat this year until the freshmen are my classmates!’ You exaggerated dramatically.

He laughed at you again. You noticed you were walking through his street now. ‘Don’t say that. I might be able to help you’ He winked at you but you ignored that. ‘You can help me?’ You questioned him eagerly, you really didn’t want to have to repeat the year.

‘Yeah, I have a friend.You might have seen him before, he used to go to our school but he graduated last year. He’s smart as fuck, and I know for a fact that he’d be willing to teach you’ Minseok declared as you reached his house. he knew someone?! then maybe you weren’t doomed after all.

‘Really Min?! are you sure they have all weekend though? because I’m going to need all weekend’

‘Yeah, I’m sure that nerd doesn’t have anything to do until the rest of us have graduated.’ He answered with a huge grin, it seemed that he was actually happy to help you. ‘I’ll send him your number and tell him to text you today, make sure you answer him!’ He told you as he entered his house, leaving you on the street to mentally celebrate finding a teacher.

You hurried home, not just because it was dark out but your phone had died at the library. So for Minseok’s friend to contact you you’d have to get home and charge your phone first. So you barged through your front door after unlocking it, ignoring your mom’s comment about being boorish. You jumped onto your bed, immediately plugging in your phone.

You were now laying on your bed, waiting for your phone to be charged far enough to be turned on. Your mind started wandering in this time. Minseok had said that his friend had studied at your school, that means you know him. Maybe not personally, but your school was small enough for everyone to know each other by name. And there was only one person that fit Min’s description. You were hoping your assumption was wrong because if it was who you were now thinking it was, you’d be in trouble.

The only people that had graduated last year from your school that could be called smart where Namjoon and Junmyeon, and since Namjoon and Minseok weren’t exactly friends that left only one person. Coincidentally that one person had been your crush for about a year and a half before he graduated.

You’d always been easily distracted, but when Junmyeon was around it would be like you entered another realm entirely. Focusing on anything but him was almost impossible for you. So if he was the one that was going to tutor you, your awkwardness around him wouldn’t even be the worst of your troubles.

You got snapped out of your thoughts when your phone suddenly lit up, you grabbed and checked your messages. Nothing yet. well, it wasn’t really surprising, You’d only left Minseok ten minutes ago. He probably didn’t even message his friend yet, so there was no reason for you to stare at your screen, waiting for the text to come in like you were doing now.

You were about to stop obsessing over your empty message box and put your phone down when it vibrated, causing you to drop it on your face. ‘fuck!’ you exclaimed in pain. having your phone fall on your face hurts.

unknown number:

Hey y/n, Minseok told me you needed a math tutor. I don’t know if you remember me from school but this is Jumyeon.

you quickly saved his number and when you were done with that, you saw that he’d sent another text.

Junmyeon:

You probably don’t haha, I wasn’t really known outside my group of friends.

You quickly shot him a text back.

y/n:

I do remember you, your nickname was Suho, right? I’ve seen you walk around the hallways a few times. Do you have time this weekend to help me with maths? I can pay you! 

you only realized how desperate that sounded after you had sent it, now he was sure to crank up the price and you’d be in debt before you even started college! And the first part of the text must seem so creepy to him, I mean, sure you know some of his friends but that doesn’t really explain how you know his nickname, does it?

Junmyeon: 

Oh, there’s no need. I’m happy to help, math used to be my favourite subject so it’d be my pleasure. And it’s good to know at least one person that isn’t part of my squad of idiots knows who I am.

And yes, I have all weekend. 

That was such a relief. You let out a sigh and tried to convince yourself that the fact that he was the Junmyeon wouldn’t distract you. It had only been a crush and you hadn’t seen him for about a year, there was n way your feelings could still be the same.

The two of you exchanged addresses. You were going to study at your place tomorrow, but because your parents would be home on Sunday he had offered for you to study at his place. After thanking him a few more times and texting him for another hour, your eyelids became heavy and you fell asleep without even letting go of your phone.

Junmyeon was smiling down at his phone. He figured you must’ve fallen asleep while talking to him, Minseok had told him you were out studying all day and he knew how tiring that could be. He’d done quite the amount of last moment cramming back when he was going through his finals, so he knew what you were going through. He also tried to convince himself that was the reason he was helping you.

But despite what he was trying to tell himself, he knew the real reason he was helping you. It was the same reason he had remembered your name even if the two of you had never talked. You simply intrigued him.

You always hung around with his friends, yet you never asked any of them out. It may have seemed like a weird reason to be intrigued by someone but in all their years in high school, the boys didn’t have one single female friend that wasn’t just trying to hook up with any of them. Not a single one, except for y/n.

So, Junmyeon had his eye on you. But he was too scared to talk to you in fear of you being different from his expectations, too scared of losing his interest. He didn’t approach, even if his friends kept pushing him to. And after two entire years of watching you from afar, he graduated.

He was sure he had lost his chance and he regretted it deeply. He didn’t even think he would ever see you again, let alone talk to you. But here he was, smiling down at the last text you’d sent him. It was riddled with spelling errors because of your exhaustion, but the only thing he could think about it was ‘cute’.

The doorbell rang and you sprung up from your place on the stairs that were right in front of the door, you’d been waiting for him for a while. Of course, the only reason you’d been so eager was that the boy was going to help you study, not at all because you wanted to see him. 

Studying had also been the reason you got out of bed early and did your hair and make-up with extra care. It was why you were wearing one of your cutest outfits as well. And it had even caused you to dream about the boy that was now waiting behind the door.

You realized you were making him wait, so you snapped out of your daze to quickly open the door. There he stood, the light sunlight shining on him, making him look like an actual god. He used to be relatively skinny before he graduated but he’d continued growing, and now he looked even more like a chiselled statue. You wondered how he hadn’t been scouted by a modelling agency yet, were they blinded by his smile everytime they saw him?

If it was the same smile he was giving you now you couldn’t even blame them, it gave you trouble breathing and it made t hard for you to think straight. But despite his best effort to paralyze you with his beauty, you managed to let him in, even managing to greet him in a normal way.

‘Hi’ You said stepping aside and gesturing for him to enter your house. ‘I’d like to thank you again for doing this’ You spoke as you led him to your living room, the place the two of you would be studying today. ‘You’re saving my life’. He laughed at your exaggeration.

‘Minseok told me you liked to be overdramatic’ He said, taking a seat on the couch. Your math books had been sprawled over it, you had tried to solve a couple of problems before he came around and when you failed you had flung your books all over the couch. ‘he didn’t mention your aggression towards math books though’.

You laughed nervously. ‘Yeah, math gets me on edge.I take it out on the books even though they’re pretty much innocent in all of this’ You confessed.

‘How cruel, let’s make it up to them by actually using them’ He winked at you. You swear you felt your heart stop, an entire year hadn’t done anything to make your crush on him less intense. No, a year didn’t make your feelings go away. Him being in the same room as you, cracking jokes and winking at you, only served to remind you of what you missed. And it was almost as if your heart and mind tried to make up for the time they didn’t see him by soaking in his presence.

 He needs to be a damn good teacher to be able to teach you anything now.

You started studying. He was a better teacher than you had expected, he was patient when you got something wrong and he gave you all the right tips. Yet, you didn’t learn as fast as you usually did, or as fast as anyone that has two days to learn an entire year’s worth of math should. Why? because you couldn’t stop staring at his stupid, beautiful face.

‘y/n?’ He waved his hand in front of your face, trying to get your attention back to what he was saying. ‘Geez, I figured you disliked math if you needed a tutor for it, but you’d get distracted by anything at this point, wouldn’t you?’ he looked genuinely concerned. How could someone as smart as him be this oblivious?

‘yeah..’ You said, not wanting to admit your feelings to him because you were sure he didn’t reciprocate them. ‘Maybe we could take a short break?’ He seemed hesitant, but you were giving him the puppy dog eyes so it was only a matter of seconds before he gave in. Puppy dog eyes were your speciality.

You put away your books and leaned back on the couch, turning to face him so you’d be able to talk to him properly. He put the books he had been holding on the coffee table and turned his head to you. He caught you staring. You’d been staring at him all night, but this was the first time he noticed. He’d been very concentrated on teaching you. 

His eyes met yours but instead of turning your head away bashfully like you’d normally do, you kept staring at him. It was like his dark eyes were pulling you in, you couldn’t take your eyes off of him, and you didn’t even want to. 

What you didn’t know, was that the exact same thing was happening to him. He was the one that caught you staring and his mind was running at a mile a minute, thoughts about how you felt about him were running through his mind.

You let out a shaky breath, unable to keep it in any longer. It snapped him out of his daze but he didn’t look away, instead, his eyes shot down to your lips. This action snapped you out of it too, causing you to gravitate towards him. His entire being was pulling you in.

You two weren’t that far apart now, only an inch or two between you. Junmyeon reached his hand up, ghosting it over your cheek. ‘y/n’ He breathed out, the sound of him saying your name like this made you realize how much you actually liked him. But before the two of you could lean in, your phone lit up, buzzing to notify you of a text message. You begrudgingly leant away from Junmyeon to check it.

Bacon:

So, how is the “studying” going?

y/n:

Min told you? 

Bacon:

Yeah he did.

Bacon:

 He also told me Myeonnie was teaching you. 

Bacon: 

Get some (y/n) 

Bacon:

Also, I can’t believe that you actually thought I meant studying when I said “studying”.

Bacon:

So young and innocent~~

y/n:

Fuck you Baekhyun.

You grumbled a bit. ‘Young and Innocent, at least I’m not a literal trash can’

Junmyeon burst out laughing at that ‘that’s either Baekhyun or Jongdae but you were closer with Baek, right?’ It surprised you that he knew, had he actually been paying attention to you back then? did this mean he liked you back?

You silently cursed yourself for how stupid you were acting. You only had what was left of today and tomorrow to prepare for the tests that were going to decide what the future held for you. These days were critical, yet, the only thing you could think about right now was how close you had just gotten to Junmyeon.

the two of you might even have kissed if Baekhyun hadn’t interfered. Now you weren’t sure whether you should thank him or curse him, if you had kissed Junmyeon you were sure you wouldn’t be able to focus on anything but him anymore.

‘(y/n)’ Junmyeon started, but you interrupted him. ‘Let’s continue studying now, we still got five chapters to go’ You couldn’t let yourself get distracted now, Junmyeon was hereto help you study not to make out with.

‘R-right’ he smiled at you again but this time it somehow seemed less bright. ‘let’s start by differentiating, that’s easiest’ and he winked at you again, why is he making this so hard for you?

And so the two of you started studying again. And after about four hours of studying, with a few breaks that were just long enough to get something to drink or to snack on, your parents’ car entered the driveway.

‘oh, my parents are back’ you told Junmyeon. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know I’d been slaving you for this long. I still can’t believe you don’t even want to get paid’.

He got up from the couch and you did the same, walking past him into the hallway to let him out. You opened the door for your parents while Junmyeon put on his coat.

‘Oh’, you must be the young man that is helping (y/n) study! We are very grateful. She’s so lazy I’m sure she would have failed without your help’ Your mom said as soon as Junmyeon entered her line of sight. You rolled your eyes at her not-so-subtle remark. ‘And she hadn’t even told me you were this handsome, perhaps you should take her out on a date after her finals’ now she had gotten you embarrassed.

Luckily Junymyeon laughed it off ‘I don’t think your husband would appreciate that miss’. And he was right, your father was glaring at both Junmyeon and your mom and was subtly trying to move in between you and your tutor.

‘Dad stop glaring at him, he’s the one helping me study. And mom, just stop this’ You said, gesturing at her. Causing both Junmyeon and your dad to stifle a laugh. Your mom to cast an annoyed glance at you, her eyes conveying an obvious message “Don’t ruin this”. of course the only appropriate reaction to that was rolling your eyes.

‘Do you want something to drink or a snack before you go? Or maybe you want us to give you a ride? Or both’ Your mom asked, desperate to get you and Junmyeon more time together. Really desperate.

‘Mom, he just had something to drink. And he only lives a block away from here, walking there is actually faster’ You told her exasperatedly.

‘Then you walk him there. He’s tutoring you for free, the least you can do is keep him company during the walk there’ this had turned into a power struggle, you could hear it in her voice. Sadly so could Junmyeon. He looked awkward, so you decided to just obey your mom to get him out of the situation as fast as possible.

‘yeah, I was planning to’ You mumbled as you walked out the door, grabbing Junmyeon’s hand and dragging him with you, closing the door behind the two of you.

‘sorry for that, they get like that around new people. That’s why I never take any of my friends home, it’s just so awkward!’ You explained to him, walking to the address he had given you the day before. ‘It’s alright, parents get like that. It’s one of the reasons I’m so content living on my own’ He said, showing you the same smile he gave you when you started studying.

A cold breeze blew past the two of you, the surprising warmth you felt despite it made you aware that you were still holding Junmyeon’s hand. Your eyes widened slightly and your heartbeat picked up, or maybe it didn’t, was this why you didn’t feel cold even when you were out?

You thought about it for another second, maybe he hadn’t noticed either? Or maybe he had and he was just being polite despite being uncomfortable?or maybe, just maybe, he didn’t mind? You just didn’t want to risk it.

You loosened your grip on his hand to let it slip out of yours. But instead of letting it fall to his side Junmyeon tightened his grip on yours, squeezing your hand softly.

Your heart did a backflip. You looked up at him and found him staring ahead, smiling brightly. You couldn’t help but smile too, and you could feel a blush on your face.

You were almost at his apartment and you could feel his pace slowing down.’You did good today, if you keep this up I’m sure you’ll pass finals. Between you and me, they weren’t even that hard. Even Kris got good results, So I’m sure you can ace them’ You knew Kris and Junmyeon were close before graduation which made his remark funnier in your eyes.

‘Did Kris also not study for an entire year?’

‘No, sorry sweetcheeks. He knew he couldn’t afford to, so that’s still just you’ The use of the nickname made your heart beat fast and you involuntarily squeezed his hand. 

‘This is it’ He said as he opened his door but he turned around to talk to you. ‘(y/n) I know I joked about it a few minutes ago, but really, I think you can ace your finals’.

Your hand was still in his. He tugged your hand slightly to pull you closer, he leaned closer o you and spoke in a hushed voice. ‘can I tell you a secret (y/n)?’. He was very close to you now. His warmth was inviting and his scent was mesmerizing, the only answer you could muster was a weak nod as you stared into his eyes.

‘I wasn’t really planning on tutoring anyone, and the only reason Minseok me about you was because he knew’ He confessed. Your heart was beating erratically now, you felt like you knew where this was going but your mind didn’t quite understand yet.

‘k-knew what?’ you whispered, still entranced by him.

He only smiled raising an eyebrow before leaning in further. his lips touched your and your eyes fluttered shut.He lightly kissed you before pulling away. ‘You’re a smart kid, I think you can figure it out with the given information’ He smiled at you cheekily and walked through his door. Leaving you baffled and dazed.

Before you left though, he turned around again. He smirked at you and said ‘Don’t be late tomorrow, we’ve got a lot of studying to do’.

The only thing you could think of when he spoke those words was Baekhyun’s text. “ Also, I can’t believe that you actually thought I meant studying when I said “studying””. 

This took me way longer than it was supposed to. Somewhere halfway through this, I forgot where I was originally going to take this so I just rewrote everything XD.

I gave myself feels with this, bias wrecker feels. Why is Suho coming for my bias-list? my already shaky bias-list. 

You all may have noticed, but I have no idea of what I’m doing.

[houseinva]

Toxic individuals lure you into a false sense of security simply to have a platform to showcase their cruelty. Baiting you into a mindless, chaotic argument can escalate into a showdown rather quickly with someone who doesn’t know the meaning of respect. A simple disagreement may bait you into responding politely initially, until it becomes clear that the person has a malicious motive of tearing you down. By “baiting” you with a seemingly innocuous comment disguised as a rational one, they can then begin to play with you. Remember: narcissistic abusers have learned about your insecurities, the unsettling catchphrases that interrupt your confidence, and the disturbing topics that reenact your wounds – and they use this knowledge maliciously to provoke you. After you’ve fallen for it, hook line and sinker, they’ll stand back and innocently ask whether you’re “okay” and talk about how they didn’t “mean” to agitate you. This faux innocence works to catch you off guard and make you believe that they truly didn’t intend to hurt you, until it happens so often you can’t deny the reality of their malice any longer. It helps to realize when you’re being baited so you can avoid engaging altogether.

I didn’t understand the concept of narcissistic supply back then, I didn’t understand that Ben felt validated by and alive from any sort of attention I gave him. Good or bad, positive or negative, attention to a narcissist is all that matters, it’s what feeds the False Self’s feelings of importance, of being valuable, and of being “real” whereas the narcissist’s False Self isn’t real, it’s nothing more than smoke and mirrors.

It didn’t matter how I reacted, as long as I didn’t  react or show indifference or silence, I was validating the existence of Ben’s False Self as being genuine and authentic instead of something Ben created to hide his disordered, flawed, wounded and damaged True Self.

Since Ben was my sexual awakening and had a tremendous impact on my life, I was still trapped in the mind-set induced by love-bombing; I believed that Ben was good deep-down despite at times showing a lack of empathy and interpersonal exploitation. While I knew he lied a lot, I still tended to believe what he said most of the time, especially when he lied directly to my face (as opposed to lying by text message, email or phone). I’ll give Ben credit: he’s one hell of a believable liar. When Ben claimed to be introverted and needed his “alone time” as opposed to intentionally and knowingly driving me mad with the silent treatment, I accepted his words as truthful.

Ben now said not to ever worry again about being discarded as he swore that would never happen again. He claimed he’d invested far too much into me to just throw me away and discard me, promising me that the days of discarding were days of the past and I need not worry about that issue anymore. Ben knew I’d been conditioned into being triggered the moment anything discard-related was mentioned into freaking out and flying off the deep end.

There was one instance when I sat down with Ben and pulled up literature on being “triggered,” trying to educate him on the importance of not bringing up my vulnerabilities or triggers. I believed that this teaching / learning experience made this “register” with him. I failed to realize I’d essentially  given him the blueprints on how to drive me insane.

I was aware of Ben seeming to create problems out of thin air at times when it wasn’t necessary, but I always assumed he was just slightly paranoid and overly sensitive. I never considered he’d done these things on purpose, especially not since he’d claimed he was working so hard to be the ideal version of himself that he saw in his head.

They create imaginary scenarios out of thin air just to blame you for them. A narcissist is a pathological liar – someone who will lie just for the fun of it. They draw amusement and entertainment from their victims   having to defend themselves against baseless accusations. Blame shifting ensures that the target is on edge, restless, and wastes their energy   trying to explain themselves rather than simply stating the facts and standing firm in their self-validation.

October 2017

One night Ben called to say that “those  people” called asking questions about me; “those people” was how Ben referred to the officers that had arrested John, my neighbor who befriended me right before I met Ben in round one.  Ben’s other boyfriend, the one he’d claimed to be breaking up with any moment since he returned for round two, was their confidential informant according to Ben. I did a random background check on his boyfriend and his arrest record corroborated Ben’s claims, as well. I thought Ben was trying to “throw me off,” there was no reason they’d want anything to do with me.

But then, days later I received  their call. My subsequent visit to see “those people” cost me $4k for an attorney and we found out nothing. Initially they said they had reason to believed I’d committed a crime in Maryland. I thought to myself:

They must have me confused with someone else. Outside of visiting my family and when I worked there well over a year ago, the only time I’ve been to Maryland was that one time when Ben literally yanked me out of bed and dragged me to his house for that god-awful threesome with him and his boyfriend.

I never considered there was any connection. I told them I didn’t know what they were talking about. The officers seemed anxious and fidgety; they tried offering me something to sign that would give me immunity if I told them what I knew only I didn’t know what they were talking about. We’d met them in Virginia and my lawyer read over the paper, stating it didn’t appear to give me immunity in DC where I lived. He said he wasn’t recommending I sign anything. Then the officers acted even stranger and started talking about random things unrelated to crime.

The one agent showed me his new iPhone, letting me play with it for a few minutes before we left. My lawyer described this as the strangest interaction with police in his career. I had no clue why they’d even contacted me but they sure were a lot kinder this time with an attorney present than they were when I first met them in that van in Northern Virginia. That was the time when I was leaving and the one officer cautioned me against using gay chat apps and dating sites, saying they could get me into trouble one day. All I knew was I didn’t want anything to do with those people and I was glad this random meeting went smoothly.

When I told Ben, he claimed he was joking when he said they called him asking about me and, given the coincidence, he didn’t feel safe anymore with me, using it as an excuse to discard me yet again, the fucker. Within two weeks, Ben was back at my side like always, of course, not acknowledging having discarded me nor apologizing either, which was expected. The whole thing was weird but I just thought it was another random, weird event in life, never thinking about on it.

One night Ben came over to celebrate Valentine’s day with me. When he  was leaving, he did something that was completely unlike him: he kissed me goodbye, and for the second time in our nearly year-long romance, he said:

I love you.

I was smitten, and I was taken aback as it was so unlike Ben to be romantic in the slightest. Despite us having more sex in a week than most do in their lifetimes, the element of love or romance was never present, at least not on his part. He went on to say that he’d likely return later to spend the night after he took care of a few things at home. In typical Ben fashion, he never returned, instead leaving me to stay up all night long waiting in anticipation. That’s something Ben did all the fucking time, he’d leave me hanging based on supposed plans that never came through. The next day I discovered Ben sent me an email shortly after midnight,  with the subject line reading:

Those people.

Ben claimed when he left my place that night, he saw police outside, shining a flashlight inside his car and felt too frightened to return to my place again after my run-in with “those people” months before.

I’d told him about what went down when I met with them, and he knew there was nothing to worry about, there was nothing going on and they must have been mistaken.

Ben also claimed they didn’t say a word to him and it sounded like some random group of police in the city at night, which is fairly common. It made no sense why he felt so shaken up and his language also seemed… hokey, it wasn’t typical for Ben, it seemed like he was making this up just to throw me off like he seemed to enjoy doing so often. Once a few more emails came through from him, I wasn’t buying his story at all anymore.

We will talk and maybe see each other in public somewhere. I’ve never been that shook before and I’m not trying to start anything.

What? What? What? Where was this coming from? Why would Ben seeing police outside result in him deciding never to return again to my home, limiting our time together to seeing each other in public, and cause him to suddenly decide to move home with his parents? This was making absolutely no sense whatsoever, and Ben was a magnificent liar whereas this time it was blatantly obvious he was lying through his teeth. But not matter what I said, he’d manage to flip it back around on me, making me appear like I was the the bad guy, the unreasonable one, and the asshole. The last time i saw him, Ben kissed me goodnight and said he loved me only for this to be our next encounter; not only was this was ridiculous, but for Ben’s lying kills to be this shitty this meant something was truly off.

You’re right I could be over reacting to the whole police thing but instead of helping me and or calming me down to make me feel safe you attack me? Is that what you to to someone you care about?

I’ll admit I didn’t save my responses to him but they weren’t over the top or mean like he suggested in his responses. I felt like he was lying though, I knew he was lying, but I couldn’t prove it. His reaction just seemed so extreme over something as run of the mill as police in DC streets at night. If anything he should have felt safe knowing that police were around in my neighborhood, it’s not like either one of us was up to trouble. This was nonsense. Ben was back at his favorite past-time again: fucking with my head. That I was certain of, although he’d never admit it, just like he’d never admit any of the mind games he loved screwing my mind with.

This annoying game dragged on for the entire week – first claiming he  was too scared to come back, then attacking me for questioning the validity of his claims instead of supporting him during a time of need. This was Ben’s way of dangling the discard carrot in front of my face indirectly in a way that he could claim was clearly not an attempt to discard me. The boy wasn’t content unless he was fucking with my head and provoking me. As stupid as it sounds, this whole ordeal threw me off for the entire week, I was depressed and on edge and convinced I’d never see Ben again. That Thursday night, I noticed something: the sex toy cabinet that Ben had stocked full of adult novelties was empty. Ben had been filling it for the last 9 months and suddenly nothing was there. What the hell? That little turd face had taken them all home with him before leaving that night, there was nowhere else they could have gone. He hadn’t seen police for certain, that was all one giant excuse for ending things with me but not wanting me to call him out for discarding me like always.

I was so angry at Ben and his never-ending mind games. He refused to respond to my email, leaving me to feel discarded yet again. Then Saturday morning, I received the email below, which makes me refer to Ben as a turd face squared

I just dropped [other boyfriend] off and might go to school. If I hear from you I’m open to talking fucking or just hanging out. The police thing still scares me but you’ve been a good friend for the most part so I don’t see that ending so easily.

That little turd had chosen to bait me into a mind-fucking, impossible argument that threw me off for an entire week only to send me the above and stop over that day. Of course there was no apology and he insisted the police incident was real and traumatizing.

Later on in rereading his emails, I noted something, which I underlined below:

Come to find out Ben had been snooping through my cell phone and email and saw that I referred to him as a narcissist in communication I had with my therapist. I didn’t notice Ben’s Freudian slip above about “talking behind my back about me to other people” until several weeks later. I approached him about this and he was honest for once, at least so I believe, in admitting to reading what I’d sent to my therapist about him. He’d planned out this whole thing because of my use of the goddamn, other “n-word.”