#literally have not been able to focus at work since finishing the books bc of this man.....

[nemaria]

#important to me that mu qing did steal that gold foil tho #the point isn’t that he never did anything wrong but that one lapse in judgement could’ve cost him everything #xie lian didn’t notice or care that the foil was missing but mq was terrified that he would be dismissed or punished #even though he was a child who thought he could do something to help his mom #it’s not that he never had a bad thought or action because he did #but the stakes were just vastly different for him #and no one around him is willing to cut him a break. ever #that being said: despite his reputation he is one of very very few gods with an actually clean record (via @taihua)

#oh prev mentioned the gold leaf thing: didnt mu qing give it back to xie lian and tell him what he had intended to do? #DESPITE the fear he could be dismissed and whatever? #even though he might have gotten away with it? #ough hes so. he wants to be selfish so bad and i guess in a way he is always chasing what he thinks wont be given to him #he just also manages to be pretty selfless #conundrum of a man lol (via @ashes-of-chironides)

#see the thing about mu qing is that because he always sees and presumes the worst in everybody #and thinks everybody hates him (negative traits for sure) #is that everything he does he does with no expectation of reward or making things better for himself he assumes he'll be punished attacked #or ignored for it right? #but he still does it which means he's doing it because he thinks he should and that #is great and op you explained that all so well great post op (via @pbaintthetb)

#He's such a great 'good is not nice' kind of character #and it's a pity so many people stick to the surface level reading where he just comes off as a dick #'surface impressions are misleading' is a big theme in MXTX's work and yet... (via @octarina)

The thing about Mu Qing is that a lot of the time we see him, he doesn't have much but he offers all he has and beyond.

All he had were the few cherries he picked at the cost of being beaten and humiliated and called a thief (as the only poor disciple among many rich kids who could have bought those cherries any time they wanted) to give to his mother and yet when the poor children surrounded him he gave those cherries to them.

He had a cursed shackle and yet he was the only one who offered to accompany Xie Lian, Hua Cheng & and Mei Nianqing to Mt. Tonglu. (even though Jun Wu had told him that his friends would assume that he was a traitor and leave him to die and MNQ & Hua Cheng obviously hated him and he thought that XL & FX hated him, too.) He not only had a cursed shackle but burnt hands and feet and injured legs and yet he threw himself in the lava to fight and buy time for XL. He could barely walk but attacked Jun Wu head-on with his Zhanmaodo. The shackle tightened around his hand and it was draining his blood and his spiritual powers were sealed and his injuries and burns weren't healing and he was dangling from a freaking cliff and his hair had nearly touched the lava and yet! Right when MNQ wanted to help him up he asked him to send him further down so he could retrieve XL's sword for him!!

When XL had just saved Mu Qing and Bai Wuxiang dragged him down Ruoye, which earlier was explained wouldn't do pointless things (and when asked by XL to grab onto something firm and reliable grabbed onto FX & MQ after HC) made a lunge for Mu Qing, because it knew that Mu Qing would grab it and maybe could do something to save Xie Lian. And Mu Qing, having just been saved, balancing on a sword on burnt legs in the middle of running lava grabbed onto Ruoye with burnt hands and didn't let go even when he was overpowered and dragged along with Xie Lian.

And for all of these, he never expects anything in return! No gratitude, no credit, no friendship, and no affection. He just does these things because that's the kind of person he is.

He's the kind of person who refuses to recruit child soldiers, he's the kind of person who sees a random lady going through forced abortion and tries to save her and the baby, he's the kind of person who even when he's chased out of the house by a broom by his friends, leaves the rice he brought with them, he's the kind of person who even if he assumes XL threw the clock on him & pretended not to know him on purpose disguises himself and goes to XL's help, he's the kind of person who tries to save FX even when he has a cursed shackle, he's the kind of person who not only doesn't abandon his friends under Jun Wu's threats but goes after them knowing that at every step Jun Wu will try to frame him and as far as he knows, his friends don't trust him or like him and he doesn't even think they're friends. he's the kind of person who couldn't bring himself to steal one golden leaf from the prince who had hundreds of them in the depths of his poverty to help his mother yet doesn't blame XL for trying to steal that one time because he understands, he's the kind of person who claims that "truly, there's no point in being a good person" but still helps every time everywhere he can. He's the one who when he can't do anything, when he's lost his attacking powers after going for Jun Wu all he can think about is XL who is grabbed by Jun Wu and calls out for XL to run even as he throws up blood. He's the god who when he ascends what we hear of his followers are: "General Xuan Zhen is generous and kind!"

Just...Mu Qing and his unfailing kindness!

[notcolleen]

[[MORE]]

i hate that bc i inherently see myself as a bad/manipulative person bc everything i do is colored with that view and it sucks lol

like i saw my doctor for the first time in 47271 years the other day and he started me back on the lowest possible dose of my adhd medication

but i automatically felt like i was drug seeking and felt like i had to overcompensate in my explanation to him even though

1) ive been diagnosed since middle school ((literally seeing him since middle school))

2) he is honestly very lax with prescriptions and would have gone right to my old prescriptions so

3) i was the one that had to be like “full disclosure: i am struggling to be productive/focus on anything but i am also aware that i have a history of relapse on these meds so can we please brainstorm what would work for both my eating disorder recovery and my own sanity??” and this was the solution (the other solution being a medication that i have tried in the past with unbearable side effects) (see, im even justifying it now to myself and to my 2 followers bc i still feel like a Bad person!! bc adult adhd has become such a Thing and combining that with eating disorder recovery feels like im breaking one of the golden rules lol) (like if i see someone else post abt adhd meds and i know they are also in recovery, part of me still goes ���� and i hate that i have that internalized stigma towards the diagnosis/treatment) (i think i honestly just have a lot of shame toward the amount of medication it takes me to function but i am working on it)

but anyway i started back yesterday and already the difference is ‼️⚠️‼️ and my brain finally feels quiet? and today i sat and finished the book ive been trying to read for the last week and actually cleaned my bathroom

and the main thing i noticed is that my thoughts can finally go in a more logically order? like instead of going to make coffee…..realizing that i need to bring the creamer over to my coffee but then getting distracted when i see dishes in the sink so doing those…..forgetting the creamer but remembering to clean phoebes litter…remember the coffee but not realizing i actually put the creamer next to phoebes litter box so convincing myself im insane looking for it, start looking in all of the rooms in my apartment and get distracted by hanging my clothes and totally forget my coffee until i feel like caffeine headache and wonder why ? (definitely not based on a true series of events from this week 👁👄👁)

instead i am able to think: okay, you need to get the coffee ready which means water in the machine first, put creamer in mug while it heats up! you can clean phoebes litter box while it pours! okay cool do a couple of the dishes in the sink while it cools down! now sit and drink coffee and breathe 🙏🙏🙏🙏

and that feels really really wonderful goodbye🕺

[lochnessies]

@cockati3l the church isn’t ruling people from behind the scenes. even the devs confirmed that. the church in adrestia doesn’t exist, the church in the alliance is ‘toothless’ and nobody pays attention to them as said by lorenz, and the western church is in open rebellion against the central. also, when does the church control anybody in the game? nobody is forced to follow them and they even take on nonbelievers as staff.

once again, what corruption are you talking about? it can’t be what edelgard mentions in her speech because that’s been proven false.

it can’t be killing the western priests because they attempted assassination more than once, grave robbed, and attempted to kill students. not to mention are racist af

it can’t be changing history a little because in your own words “what the fuck so u want her to do?” humans killed her race when they found out the amount of power stored in their bones, blood, and hearts. at that time in fodlan’s history clans were fighting for power with the relics of her family and she had to find a way to broker peace as said by intsys: “seiros and co. meddled with history not in order to rule over humans, but to quell the flames of war and chaos as much as possible, and to also keep a steady balance about humanity.”

also yes, rhea was about to step down. she says so herself. even calling herself a “mere proxy” for byleth.

tell me how claude piggybacked off of edelgard’s war to further his own aims? the game tells and shows that he’s spending his time trying to just keep the alliance together.

she’s literally called the hegemon. there is no freedom under her rule. she centralizes all power onto herself and makes herself the supreme ruler. what she says goes and in order to achieve that result she murdered, lied, and stole.

she literally said “i have no regrets.” why? because she doesn’t. she may feel kinda bad about all the dying but obviously not enough to stop what she’s doing and find another path.

also her words about the followers of seiros are far from kind. she calls them “mindless” multiple times (even in her s-support). the faithful are forced to flee from her. people even lose contact with the believers in the empire, and it’s not even allowed to be one in the first place. not to mention in hanneman/manuela’s ending the church can come back but only under the empire’s supervision. so we have a state controlled church. look at all the freedom!

when does dimitri leave crestless people to get fucked? he literally talks at length that he believes that people with crests and people without need to work together and recognize each other’s strengths.

also the church isn’t the one behind the “crest system” (if you can even call it that since the way each house interacts with it is so different). crests/clans became noble houses because of their strength (aka the empire’s meritocracy in the beginning) and the strong aka crest bearers rose to the top bc in the 91 years it took to kill nemesis his elites had already started their own bloodlines and families. the nintendo interview says that rhea lied about the origin of the crests and relics bc she wanted the wars to end and the only way to have gotten rid of the crests humans had would be to genocide them.

with nemesis gone and the adrestian empire now in charge of the continent, a meritocracy started to form among the nobility. hanneman in his support with dorothea says this about the founding of the empire: “consider this. at its inception, the concept of nobility assumed that the greatest among the populace would rise to power. in my mind, i believe that those who value knowledge, those who strive for more, and wish to protect and guide their fellow man. however, in practice, nobility often serves to keep those deemed commoners down, segregated from those who, by chance, were born to a noble family.” this is also paired with ferdiand’s support with edelgard: “certainly, we must recognize the common folk who strive for greatness and attain it. but for those of us born into nobility, things are more complicated. from birth, nobles must excel. if we do not, we will be forced out of our houses. this environment breeds superior individuals, and they, in turn, recreate the rigorous environment for their own children. without that cycle, there would be no political elite guiding the world towards prosperity.” so from these supports we learn that the empire was founded on the idea of the strongest shall rule and they would be replaced if they didn’t reach a standard. however, over time, the nobility started to abuse this power of theirs and the idea of meritocracy was forgotten. which, ironically, is how it always works in the real world as well. that’s where the concept of nobles often bearing crests comes from. it’s comes from the empire not the church. and when faerghus and the alliance break off from it they kept the tradition. also, if you talk to rhea in verdant wind when she talks about zanado you can tell she hates crests. at the very least she hates the fact that humans have them due to how they were acquired. you know, through genocide. it’s also in the book of seiros that the reason the goddess left was because people were abusing crests and it saddened her and she went back to the blue sea star. so no, the church isn’t propagating anything. and they can’t force the noble houses to adhere to their religion so they don’t.

i’m not sure what you mean by “squander any rebellion”. i think you mean squash/stamp out? well the only rebellion we see in the game is from the western church and as i said previously, the priests were punished because they attempted assassination more than once, grave robbed, and attempted to kill students. not to mention are racist af. the church wasn’t the aggressor and only stopped the rebellions because they were dangerous and were also attacking innocent people. however, we do know that in crimson flower there are rebellions under edelgard’s rule and they are put down as well by the empire secret police aka hubert.

the devs also mention that azure moon was written to be a counter to crimson flower. and that is the route where dimitri has to learn to rely on his friends and work together with his people in order to usher in a bright future. in crimson flower edelgard berates people who lean on anybody else for support (all while taking some from byleth) and believes humans need to stand on their own two feet. in azure moon she says: “if after all of this you believe the weak will still be weak, that is only because they are too used to relying on others instead of on themselves.” to which dimitri responds: “yes. perhaps someone as strong as you are can claim something like that. but you cannot force that belief onto others. people aren't as strong as you think they are. there are those who cannot live without their faith... and those who cannot go on once they have lost their reason for living. you path will not be able to save them. it is the path of the strong, and so, it could only benefit the strong.” so yes, there is someone who represents human unity in the game: dimitri.

edelgard doesn’t make fodlan better. she’s the game’s hegemon (called this in three routes). there are rebellions under her. her people are starving (ashe says on cf), she attacked two nations she had no rights to, and defamed an entire race/religion.

crimson flower ends in flames and darkness. this is made VERY clear by the ending mural. unlike the others, which all show a very joyful scene; am has dimitri being loved by the people with archbishop byleth at his side, ss has byleth being held up in the crowd of people as it talks about how they are now the arbiter of every soul and mother of all life (which are the exact words used to describe sothis), and vw has claude talking with the people and the almyrans are visiting; which infers peace between the two nations. however in cf, we have edelgard standing on the flags of the nations she has conquered. she holds a napoleonic staff in her hands, and the mural portrays people with their heads bowed in obvious sadness and defeat. the biggest indicator that this is not an ending to be celebrated, but rather lamented, is the border. In all the other endings, the border is white and is accented by the color of the route. in cf you can see that the border is black. black and red: colors synonymous with evil or darkness. the epilogue also mentions rebellions against her rule that she has put down.

edelgard’s role in the story is that of nemesis 2.0. someone that is manipulated by twsitd and is fed false information to lead her to finish what nemesis started over a thousand years ago - the extinction of the nabatean race.

another massive red flag is what the devs have said about crimson flower being the supreme ruler route. “edelgard in "crimson fower", or rather known as the, "supreme ruler (hegemon) route" is something we honestly meant to be much more difficult to enter.” (they were talking about why it is harder to enter cf than ss). let’s focus on the word ‘hegemon’. the direct definition is ‘a supreme ruler.’ in another interview they mention the ‘hegemon’s path’ which is a chinese philosophy that goes along with the mandate of heaven that the devs have said that they based cf off of. there is a rule of the mandate of heaven: the right to rule is only granted if the ruler cares about his people more than he cares about himself, and if this is not the case, then the people rise up to overthrow the tyrant. we know for a fact that edelgard is this ‘tyrant/hegemon’ because she is called this in the game.

the devs have also said: “due to all the previous titles in the series, the thought/impression that the empire = antagonists is left upon the playerbase. when you think about the "empire", you usually get some sort of "bad/evil" image, i think. and as for the story, it really feels like it started from the romance of three kingdoms, but we force them all to take part in school life. In other words, a period in which there was peace must exist, before starting the fires of war. and because of that, someone evil (villain) has to exist, and so we had the empire bear that burden.” this interview also blew the common argument pro-empire fans had of fodlan not being at peace at the start of the game. they said themselves that the three countries were at peace. even the game states at the start that ‘these three ruling powers now exist in relative harmony.’

also even if other characters did some things wrong that doesn’t suddenly let her off the hook for her actions just like her’s don’t nullify theirs. if she wanted to peacefully change how things worked in her nation then fine. i don’t care. however, she invaded two other independent nations in order to change their systems and put them under her control. that isn’t morally gray no matter how you spin it. it’s tyrannical.

actually it was humans as a whole who fucked up the earth first. the agarthans are a race of humans that have been around for over a thousand years at the start of the game. when the goddess sothis came down from her home on the blue sea star she arrived in fodlan and took on a form that resembled humanity and lived among them. she used her blood to birth a race of children called nabateans. in the beginning, these two nations lived in harmony.

sothis and her children helped the humans advance their technology and weapons over time until the humans’ hubris grew to the point that they began to wage war on each other and eventually the goddess herself - the one who gave them the technology to do so. as confirmed by seteth, (who was there during that time) some of the weapons they used in the war are also seen in the game, such as the missile of light that destroys fort merceus. so basically, it was a ye olde nuclear war that almost completely destroyed the land and the humans. during this, a faction of humans left the surface to live below ground. they built a city called shambala and officially became known as agarthans. back on the surface, sothis used her godly power to try and heal the earth. however, due to the incredible damage done by the weapons, so much of her power was used that she fell into a deep sleep to try and recover. so no, sothis didn’t fuck shit up. it was the arrogant humans that took her kindness and decided they wanted to try and kill each other with it.

yes, dimitri and claude do have the rest of fodlan under their command at the end of the day. however, they way they achieved this was nothing like edelgard’s. they had no intentions of starting a war to unite the three under their rule. dimitri was given the alliance (the round table came to an agreement and willingly became part of faerghus) and when he kills edelgard the empire is now, by default his whether he likes it or not. same with claude. he defeats the empire which by that point had taken the kingdom. both are now without leadership and he doesn’t even stay. he fucks off to almyra. edelgard on the other hand started the war to put all of fodland back under her rule. it’s not comparable.

[benjiwyatt]

do you have any ben/leslie headcanons! i love your posts abt them so much it's great to see someone get as emotional abt them as i am asjdkajhjd

i got this message and i was like "god, i dont really know if i have any headcanons" and then i opened my notes app and started typing and didn't stop for over an hour

i'm literally putting this under a break and organizing it into categories bc it's absurdly long

here it is

A COLLECTION OF BEN AND LESLIE HEADCANONS

PRE-RELATIONSHIP/S3

basically canon but leslie definitely had a crush on a young benji wyatt and followed the story religiously for the first couple months before she started college

ben is only slightly jealous leslie had ann go out with chris to try and get more money for the parks budget rather than leslie asking him out with the same goal. he knows it’s insane, unethical, and illogical but he’s still excited that he gets to spend the night with her on a date plus two other people even if it is to accuse her of bribery.

ann realizes early on that leslie was attracted to ben and teases her mercilessly about it. she thinks it’s absolutely hilarious that leslie wants to make out with "mean ben.” after april and andy’s wedding, she realizes it's more than just attraction and she lays off.

before ben can even think rationally about what he’s doing, he’s in line at bed, bath, and beyond with a crock pot in his arms, calling stephanie to ask her to send him their family’s chicken soup recipe

ann knew ben liked her from the beginning and was totally positive when she ran into him in the hospital asking for leslie’s room number while holding jj’s waffles and a tub of homemade soup.

ben realizes he’s falling in love with leslie when he is at city hall with her until 3am one night trying to budget for the amount of cotton candy machines she wants for the harvest festival. in his exhaustion, he naively believes her when she tells him she’ll go home in a bit so he leaves. he never gets a text from saying she made it home so he stops at jj’s the next morning and brings a takeout container of waffles and a coffee complete with an outlandish amount of whipped cream and sugar to the parks department. he finds her asleep in the conference room. he starts trying to convince sweetums to donate more cotton candy machines that afternoon.

chris had to have known ben liked leslie. he’s not an idiot. in the deleted scene from their wedding, they read out emails from their “tumultuous first week in pawnee” and chris writes to ben saying, “why are you so focused on leslie knope?” ben replies saying, “i’m not. whatever. shut up.” there’s no way chris is this oblivious. ben takes her out for a beer. ben pays out of pocket for a children’s performer to help her out. ben shows up on chris and ann’s date just because he thinks leslie might be there. chris can’t be this dumb. but when they take the city manager jobs in pawnee, he knows it can’t happen so he cuts ben off when he starts to ask about dating someone in city hall. he cracks down on the rule in front of leslie after the tom incident to hammer it in. he starts setting ben up on a bunch of dates to try and head it off. he sends them to indianapolis for the little league pitch because, realistically, he knows they’re the best bet for success but makes sure to interrupt their dinner and invites them to his apartment to continue to run interference the rest of the night. after their fights in 4.06-4.08, he hopes he won’t have to worry anymore. the next work day, they come into his office looking nervous and happy and he knows he’s about to lose the partner and best friend that’s been by his side for the past decade.

april and andy knew they were secretly dating. it went unspoken aside from a few implicit teasing remarks from april and a few suggestive attempted high fives from andy but leslie assured ben they wouldn’t tell anyone despite their ostensible behavior.

BREAK UP

ben had commissioned the li’l sebastian plush for leslie after he had died but the toy shop didn’t finish it until after they broke up. he felt bad not going to pick it up so he did despite not being able to give it to her. he kept it for all those months and sometimes thought about getting rid of it but could never bring himself to do it.

when leslie made personalized copies her books for her friends with individualized annotations and notes in the bylines, she had two copies for ben. there was one that she gave him during their breakup that was very simplified and watered down where the note basically just said “i’m really glad you decided to stay in pawnee.” then there was a second copy that she kept while they were split up that was totally covered in notes and random thoughts she couldn’t say during their time apart. she gives him that copy when they get back together and it may or may not be the best gift he’s ever received.

april was much less abrasive with them during the break up because she’s a sweetheart and wants her friends to be happy.

the first time leslie admitted she was in love with him was during a long night of drinking and crying at ann’s house

ben craved the taste of sugar during their breakup because he got used to tasting the sweetness when he kissed her

ben found himself unable to sleep at night without the sound of leslie talking in her sleep to comfort him

april texted leslie the night of the halloween party to let her know that ben and andy were at the hospital after a fight and everything was fine and she didn’t need to worry. leslie was mad at andy for a few days after and he couldn’t figure out why.

the only photo in ben’s bedroom was of himself, leslie, and li’l sebastian at the harvest festival. if he got caught staring at it and crying, he would just say he missed li’l sebastian so much.

april and andy started having star wars and star trek movie nights to try and cheer ben up

DOMESTIC

ben and leslie got in the habit of having weekly game nights with april and andy during the campaign since they were all basically living together. it became a tradition that kept going as often as they could make it happen, even after the kids were born. they try to have game night at least once a month. april pretends to hate it.

one of my absolute favorite ideas about them is that she sleeps much better when he’s around to keep her grounded. after they get together for good, she starts getting closer to 5 hours of sleep a night.

another favorite involving leslie’s sleeping: ben is typically accustomed to tuning out incoherent nonsense that she babbles in her sleep but she also has some of her best ideas when she’s not busy trying to focus on a million different things. when he hears her coming up with legitimately good ideas or making speeches or having solid debate arguments, he takes out the notebook he keeps in his nightstand to record her thoughts and quotes. he revisits and revises the notes to strengthen her statements and make them more professional and less rambling but makes sure to keep her distinct voice apparent in them.

ben prefers pancakes to waffles but he will go to the grave with that secret

this isn’t a headcanon because nbc posted it but one of ben’s holidays on leslie’s calendar is watch synchronization day which is the day they celebrate syncing their watches to, as leslie puts it, “always be in harmony, like our hearts” which is just one of the sweetest fucking things in the world

leslie makes ben read and watch all the harry potters because he didn’t get into them when he first tried. ben is much more of a success than ann. she buys him a ravenclaw scarf for christmas.

their first fight as a couple was a historical debate gone awry

since ben clearly has some affinity for custom stuffed animals, he has some made for the triplets.

they’re both dog people but they adopt a cat because sonia and stephen beg for one and it does fit their busy lifestyle much better. they love the cat. they get a dog when the kids are older and life is slightly less hectic.

they both love striped shirts and sweaters so much that they have to make a conscious effort to avoid wearing them on the same day and matching

leslie makes sweets and bakes desserts while ben typically handles cooking the actual meals

BASED ON EPISODES, QUOTES, AND THROWAWAY LINES

i always loved the ann/ben dynamic in bus tour because there’s been such an obvious shift in ann’s attitude towards him in this episode. maybe it’s because she and tom just broke up and she just turned chris down again and she’s frustrated with relationships but i think it’s her realizing ben isn’t going anywhere. since the campaign is winding down, she realizes that things aren’t gonna go back to the way they were because ben is now part of this and he’s clearly in it for the long haul. ann’s definitely jealous that ben is just as important to leslie as she is and she now knows she’s never gonna get that full attention back. ann sits ben down to have a real “don’t you dare hurt her” speech after this ep and before win, lose, or draw. this is when he tells ann he wants to marry her.

they discover they both adore the princess bride after ben says “as you wish” to her one night and after that it becomes their movie.

the wildflower mural becomes a thing between them when ben says he considered that to be their first date, prompting leslie to tell him what the mural means to her.

ben puts banjo boogie bonanza on one of the mix cds he gives leslie at the beginning of their relationship

harrison ford movie nights start after they both reveal they had a crush on him as a kid. ben was obsessed with han solo and leslie was into indiana jones’ whole history teacher vibe.

they basically hate each other’s taste in music and stop exchanging mix cds once that becomes apparent that they aren’t gonna find much common ground. they both love tom petty, al green, and etta james and music in that vein though.

ben makes leslie watch game of thrones just to try to explain why he’s called her khaleesi. she gets into it, not so much because of the show itself, but because of how passionate her boyfriend is about it.

they start learning basic french during the s4 campaign because they think it will be useful to have a basic multilingual vocabulary for their political careers and because leslie confesses she has always dreamed of seeing paris. they study spanish next.

ben makes leslie watch the star wars prequels just so he can complain to her during them. he doesn’t think she’s paying attention and then he reads about midichlorians in the paper.

ann is also in on ben’s plan to sneak vegetables into leslie’s waffles.

they will sometimes jokingly refer to themselves as the “dream team” or “dynamic duo” because, despite chris’s absurdity, it’s true

i’m open to literally any origin of this because no matter what it’s perfect but i like to think that “i love you and i like you” started at some point in season 4 when, at some point, leslie went “i like you” and ben replied “you like me?” “mhm” “hm just like me?” “yes i like you. i love you and i like you. both.” “mmm i love you and i like you too”

i barely even register some of these things as headcanons since they just live so solidly in my brain

this might be my favorite ask ever thank you for loving benslie enough to ask me this and be genuinely interested

if anyone read all of this, i love you

[akatsvmu]

ok hot take — but also because I’m genuinely curious — I’ve seen a lot of discussion about the anti - Asian racism in shadow and bone and how it was unnecessary + obvious that the writers were white, etc.

*this ended up being long so I put the rest under the cut*

before I begin I just want to say that im just putting this out here to hear what others have to say !! I’m open to whatever u have to say legit I just want to talk to others about this hahah. I don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, but if I do then I apologize and if you feel like it, to let me know why exactly so I can be more aware next timee

okk so, reading what everyone else had to say after finishing the season made me question myself BIG TIMEEEE because tbh ..... I didn’t really see what the problem was as I was watching the show 😭

I didnt watch any trailers or promo vids before the show bc I didnt want to expect anything. so the first time I heard about Alina being half - shu was when she said it in the show — and TBHHH I was actually so happy (since I’m South East Asian) it was a pleasant surprise, I was like “omg I can relate to uu !! <33” kind of thing ya know.

After i watched it, I read the discussions on how they handled it and everything and I was worried bc I was still having such a hard time seeing what was so wrong about it,, I genuinely felt really bad at this point bc I was thinking like ... am I racist ?? Or am I actually contributing to racism and all that ?? soo I wanted to just share some of my thoughts here and if you actually finish reading this maybe like share some of your thoughts too ??

okok so hear we go — Alina being changed into half - shu didnt bother me at all, as I said earlier it was a nice surprise since it allowed me to relate to her more, i remember i even texted my friend bc i was so happy lmaooo (plus I thought it fit well since Jessie is actually half chinese).

About how the racism was ‘unnecessary’ since it’s a fictional world and all >> I get how they technically didn’t need to add it in — BUT... I kind of liked that they did add it ?? since it showed me that, oh you know she went through all of that, was discriminated against, etc. but was still able to do all the things she did and she didn’t let any of that stop her (I've finished the trilogy so I know how her story ends, assuming they stick to the books in later seasons lmao).

I mean tbh I even felt kinda better ? Hopeful even ?? My line of thinking was like “even the sun summoner faced some racism yet she was able to push through her journey !!” and all that ++ plus how she didn’t let it affect her — she even said, “don’t change my eyes” in that one scene which made me feel really proud for some reason.

about how they only centered the racism around Alina >> like how Jesper or Inej didn't really have to face any racism ++ and how it was all anti shu ..... again that didn’t rly bother me bc like ..... she’s kind of the main character ????? Not to say that the other characters stories don’t matter (lmao im not done w crooked kingdom yet but I already prefer their duology over the trilogy 😭🤚🏼) but given the fact that this particular adaptation of the story (or even season) is about Alina and Her experiences,, it’s kind of a given that the story will literally revolve around her and the challenges she faces ?????

the books obviously talked about what inej and the others went through + but that was because they had two books and individual chapters to flesh out their characters, plus we learned about their origins through a flashback type thing, it wasn’t a linear storyline.

This season had 8 episodes, so I really didn’t expect them to focus on their backstories since it's established that they’ve been working together for a while (the three crows, not Nina and Matthias). In the show, Alina has just discovered her powers = meaning her arc has just started.

lastly, about how it was unnecessary that Zoya was racist to Alina >> This one confused me a lot im ngl, because in the first book zoya does act like a lil bitch to Alina and everyone in the little palace — Marie and Nadia constantly talked shit abt her behind her back — bro even Genya didn’t like her lol — ALSO she even admitted to this in the second or third book right ?? So considering where her arc goes — I thought that this was obvious ?? she was meant to be disliked at first bc she literally has a redemption arc (AHHH don’t get me wrong here I loved zoya in the end pls shes so snarky ahidhshshs she a lil bitch but she owns it 😌😌 as she should)

I know she wasn’t outright racist to Alina in the books — but she was mean to her — *if I’m not wrong doesn’t she also whisper to Alina in front of the king about how she was an orphan peasant?* given the changes in the show, I thought it was understandable for her to treat her that way (not that it’s ok for anyone to be treated that way but you get the point right...) also idk if this counts but she does correct that one lady saying that Inej was suli and not whatever she originally said.

okk that’s all I can think of now, if you made it this far I wanna say thank uuu so much ily 🥰 ,, I know this was long I didnt think I had this much to say.

if you want then pleaseee share some of your thoughts 🤲🏼🤲🏼 i don’t want to subconsciously be a racist apologist or anything 😭😭 so I’m open to hearing what u have to say ++ also I’m really just wondering why I saw this so differently compared to everyone else ahshsjhdhs.

edit: ive only read the trilogy and six of crows so far. i havent had the time to start crooked kingdom or nikolai's books bc school :/ soo if youre gonna comment, please dont mention anything about crooked kingdom and anything after that !! huhu shhshshsa

SECOND EDIT: someone commented on this but i posted it accidentally and deleted the old one and didnt see their comment im gonna cry aaaaaa

[kikuism]

hi mariam!! 💕 1, 4, 5, 10, 21, 23, 24, and 26 📚

hi jenna!! 💖💖💖

1. Which book would you consider the best book you’ve ever read and why?

oh! well there are two works which have had such a profound impact on me, the raven cycle and the song of achilles. they literally motivated and pushed me to start writing seriously and single-handedly managed to renew my passion for it. i can never choose between them because i love them both so much 🥺 the raven cycle has one of the strongest cast of characters i’ve ever read, they feel so real to me and it’s my dream to be able to write dialogue like that one day. it’s so hard to have dialogue that does not sound the exact same for each character but somehow maggie managed it and each characters just has his/her own way of talking and it’s amazing. and the writing is so immersive, i feel like i’m in cabeswater, i feel like i’m in a neon-lit diner. the infusion of myth and magic in the modern world is so seamless and dream-like. and madeline miller’s writing style....i just 😭😭💕💕💕 it’s beautiful, there’s just no other word for it, and it’s so simple in its structure and cadence and it has almost like a musical quality to it? it’s so so pleasant to read and the way she just transports me to these ancient worlds and i can feel the sea breeze against my skin, i’m just in awe every single time. i knew while reading song of achilles that i would read anything and everything this author comes out with and i have not and still do not feel this way with any other author except for her. circe was just as luch and evocative and i can’t wait for her next book!!

4. Are you a fast or slow reader?

this is actually a hard question :( i would just like to mourn for my incredibly narrow attention span ... still, though, i’m not as slow as i make myself out to be. i would say it depends on the book. i finished call down the hawk in one sitting, because i was so excited for it and it’s a world whose characters i’m very familiar with, and also, it’s maggie’s writing! i just devoured the book. when i read circe 2 years ago, i also finished that in one sitting. it’s at times like that when i’m reminded of how fast i used to read back then. 

but in general, if i really like a book (and that’s a tall order for me now because i’m just. gotten very picky over the years), i’ll actually finish it in a couple days, usually 2-3, like i did with carry on and wayward son. but then sometimes....it will take a couple of weeks, like for the bear and the nightingale, because most of it just dragged needlessly on and it was hard to motivate myself to go on. but i did, and now i’m on the third book. 

so, i’m not as consistently fast as i used to be, and there’s no way i can read books in one sitting now (except for very rare cases), but the speed does come if i happen to really enjoy what i’m reading!

5. What was your relationship with books like as a child?

i liked books! i remember going to the library a lot and reading stuff in various waiting rooms. but i wasn’t crazy for it ... back then i loved dolls and pretend games and my pixel chix more then reading. but the craze for reading happened when i was in middle school and especially high school. all i did was read and i was able to read so fast. now my speed and quantity has dropped, but i will always love reading no matter what :’)

10. Bookmarks, dog ears or leaving the novel open and face down to keep your spot?

don’t @ me but i’ve been reading on the kindle app on my phone for the past few months (feels like it’s been ages since i held a physical book) so i don’t need bookmarks for that. but when i do read physical books i just memorize the page number. 

21. Ideal reading position?

i wish i had one!! but every position becomes so uncomfortable after a while, i’m always moving. that’s one reason i like reading on my phone, because i feel like the positions for using your phone are much more varied and comfortable than the ones for holding and reading a physical book. but i think it would be ideal if i could sit up and recline slightly against something soft and not my wall. but i just cannot leave my room to read, i can’t focus at all, so while sitting on the couch probably would be most comfortable for me, i just have to make do with constantly moving around my bed.

23. Nicest edition or cheapest edition?

nicest edition!!! though lately....i’ve been buying digital books (which i’m just now realizing is a cheaper edition....😳) so it doesn’t matter. and i’ve decided that from now on i’m only going to buy physical copies for books that i really want/know i’m really going to enjoy (so ... basically madeline miller’s books and the call down the hawk trilogy ghskdfj). otherwise i feel it’s a waste of space. like honestly ever since i started using the library extensively (i borrowed all the raven cycle books from the library) i realized how i can just read books for free? i just see hardbacks as a sort of luxury now which i only want to reserve for the books i am eagerly anticipating so they feel that much more special :’)

24. Do you prefer happy endings or sad endings?

i actually used to look down on happy endings bc ‘ugh boring’ (who was i) but now i realize it’s because happy endings usually just came so easily. there’s no payoff or struggle for it. while i don’t want to feel miserable after i’ve finished a book/series, i want to know that everything worked out in the end and that the struggles were worth it. so my revised opinion is that i want a happy ending, but it has to feel earned and not come without sacrificing something. an easy happy ending feels disappointing just like a sad one, so it has to feel earned. 

26. A book you studied in school and ended up loving?

the turn of the screw and the picture of dorian gray! when my prof explained the other, freudian reading of turn of the screw i was like :0 also i just love the aesthetic of old manor on the moor, strange shadows in the dark, strange children ... and of course, the unreliable narrator. i admit that i didn’t read all the way through to the end but i loved studying it so much. it was fascinating. and dorian gray because the whole concept of the portrait felt like a fairy tale and i just wasn’t expecting that? and reading dorian slowly lose his sanity and his morals over the course of the book was fun hgskdfj. also ‘it was not intended as a compliment. it was a confession’ 😳

[hannahchuu]

I was tagged by @makeitpoppy 💕😍

Are you staying at home from work/school?

So, I haven't been to work since beginning of March but I have to go back there next week (for now it's just a meeting bc I'm working in a hotel & my schedule depends on the amount of guests we have). I've been really happy about that tho bc I still get paid & just before the pandemic happend, I got really overwhelmed by my work & started to hate it a lot. I also had some issues with a colleague & I dread having to see her again. I had really wished that I wouldn't have to go back there anytime soon.

University has also been cancelled after only one regular week & I only have online classes now. Tbf tho, I would've only had one class overall this semester bc I'm in my last semester of university & only my master's thesis is left. My only class is a Japanese conversation class, which is online now & I'm really struggling with the format lol. It's so odd to have to talk to people when you can't see them & half the time you also can't hear them properly.

As for my master's thesis...at first I was fine with quarantine & uni being cancelled bc I thought it'd give me time to focus on my thesis but unexpectedly libraries also closed for two months & I wasn't able to get any books until beginning of May. So I basically didn't do anything at home ahaha.

If you’re at home, who is there with you?

No one. My mum used to be there occasionally but she has since gone to her boyfriend's house and rarely ever comes. (Which is totally fine btw. She really stresses me out lol)

Do you have pets to keep you company?

No 💔

Who do you miss the most?

I have social anxiety so I'm actually quite happy about not having to see anyone. I also feel like I talk (via phone) to my friends & family way more often now. I do however, miss certain activities like going shopping with my friends. Oh & hugs! I also miss my sister & her girlfriend bc it's always fun being around them. And I miss the people in my Japanese class. Online classes really take away the social aspects of it (Like talking with people before & after).

When was the last time you left your home?

Yesterday! I went to the supermarket bc my fridge was v v empty. The last time I left to go somewhere else was last Thursday when I went to the library.

What was the last thing you bought?

The last thing I bought in person was food. Last online purchase were face masks (as in sheet masks) ahaha.

Is quarantine driving you insane or are you finally relaxed?

I'm sort of relaxed? Like more relaxed than usual I think. I'm a bit stressed out about my future bc I'm right at the end of my university education & I actually planned to finish my thesis & get a full-time job by the end of the year but I'm not sure whether there will still be jobs or job interviews ahahah. My thesis also stresses me out a bit. But I think all of this would've also stressed me out w/o quarantine so overall I'm relaxed. I'm getting stressed out by the prospect of going back to work tho.

Are you a homebody?

Yessssss

What movies have you watched recently?

So I was planning on watching tons of films during quarantine but I haven't watched any so far ahahah

I mainly watch anime & YouTube

An event you were looking forward to that got cancelled?

Two anime conventions I've been going to religiously with my friends T_T

What’s the worst thing you’ve had to cancel?

My Japan trip. It would've been my very first trip to Japan but a week before we were due to leave Austria issued a travel warning for all countries. Later on all tourists arriving in Japan also had to quarantine themselves for 2 weeks. I was super upset about having to cancel it but also sort of relieved bc I wouldn't have wanted to go there in the middle of a pandemic. I also got all of my money refunded so yay.

What’s the best thing you had to cancel?

Any kind of social interaction and work ahahhahaha

Do you have any new hobbies?

Not really. Before I started working on my thesis, I studied Japanese more frequently but that's about it.

What are you out of?

Skincare! I put off ordering any new items bc I was supposed to go to Japan & I thought I could just buy everything there. Well, now I'm out of toner, essence, a good cleanser and face masks :(( I ended up ordering more at the end of March but my order still hasn't arrived yet (It's stuck at customs T____T)

What music are you listening to?

Mainly German Hip-Hop ahahah

What shows are you watching?

Soooo, I've literally watched 7 anime series so far:

Chobits

Kimagure Orange Road

Yuru Camp (my favourite)

Sabagebu!

Citrus

Fullmetal Alchemist

Asobi Asobase

So yeah, quite productive! I gotta focus on my thesis now tho so I’ve only been sporadically watching Ojamajo Doremi.

What are you reading?

My only goal for this quarantine was to finally read all of the books that have been piling up on my bedside table, which I did yay

I've read The Scarlet Letter, The Sailor Who Fell From Grace with the Sea (I recommend), The Moon over the Mountain, UFO In Her Eyes (I can also recommend) & In Dreams Begin Responsibilities and Other Stories.

I got 3 more books for my birthday (Poems To Fix A Fucked Up World, Japanese Tales of Mystery and Imagination & Roadqueen), which I haven't gotten around to reading yet.

What are you doing for self care?

Taking long baths & reading in the bath tub 💕 I also apply lash serum, a lip mask & body lotion every night.

Are you exercising?

Yes! I actually started exercising everyday in September & I'm still doing it yay

How’s your toilet paper supply?

I still have enough left ahahah I was supposed to be quarantined w my mum but I ended up being by myself & I don’t need a lot.

Have you made any changes to your hair?

Not yet. I've been considering getting bangs & the only thing that (luckily) is stopping me is that one tumblr post that's like you don't need bangs! you need therapy!!!!

I tag @lunarix @swaddle @motherfuckinbuddha @ive-beendreaming​ @kaizoku​ @piggiechi​ @regenbogen-flummi​ @misodelivery​ @vroomkat​ @zyphyyr​ @my-selfish-love @giantoflight @frillypinkdreams @catpacks @cupidie @emograntaire @sugarmickey @bubbleteaboy & everyone else who wants to do this

[capcarolsdanver]

Crush

Request: I also have an idea for Kate x r: r is new at school and is kind of adopted by the friend group, starts crushing on kate, is super sad tho bc r assumes kate is straight and hooking up with whatever guy and closes herself off from kate, until kate realises what's going on and how she feels about r and goes on to confront r…

Pairing: Kate x Reader

A/N: Sorry for the long wait!! This week I had absolutely no motivation and every time I sat down to write nothing was coming to me. It’s the worst when I really want to write my requests for you guys as quickly as I can but I literally feel stuck and so uninspired to write sometimes. As always, feedback is appreciated!

Requests are still temporarily closed!!

(gif originally posted by @dianas-shortgalpal​)

You sit down at an empty table in the dining hall with your breakfast. You arrived at Tanner Hall late the previous day, and so you still haven’t really met any of your fellow classmates. You don’t mind, having been kind of a loner at your previous school, so you open the book you brought with you while you eat your breakfast.

People start to fill the other tables in the dining hall and it’s not too long after that you hear a voice.

“Hey.” You look up towards the voice and see two girls sitting at the table next to you. They both wear friendly smiles on their faces. “You’re new here?”

“I am, yeah,” you reply. The girls share a quick silent look before turning back to you.

“Why don’t you come sit over here with us?” The girl with the dark brown hair says. You look at them in surprise. “If you want to,” she adds on after a moment of silence.

“Yeah,” you nod, closing your book and grabbing your tray to sit opposite the girls.

“My name is Y/N by the way,” you say  with a smile as you sit.

“I’m Fernanda, but I prefer Fern. This is Lucasta,” the girl with the darker hair replies.

“Feel free to call me Lu, though. It’s nice to me you,” the other girl smiles at you. The three of you sit and talk for a little while, getting to know each other a little bit and chatting about your old school before a blonde haired girl drops into the chair next to you, startling you.

“God, messing with Mr Middlewood is so much fun,” she chuckles. Fern and Lu laugh and both roll their eyes at their friend.

“Yeah, I don’t think yesterday’s whole shower thing will be forgotten any time soon,” Fern says and the blonde laughs. She seems to suddenly realise that her group of friends has an additional member as she faces you and lets her eyes look you over.

“And who do we have here?”

“Oh, this is Y/N! She’s new,” Lu introduces you.

“Well I’m Kate. It’s nice to meet you.” She says and holds her hand out towards you. You get lost for a moment staring back into her eyes before you realise what you’re doing, quickly taking her hand in yours to shake it.

“Yes. Right. Uh, nice to meet you too,” you manage to stutter out and Kate smirks at you as she releases your hand.

“So anyway, what did you do to Middlewood now?” Lu asks and Kate chuckles.

“Nothing more than usual. It’s just too easy to get a reaction from him.” She looks over to where you sit, still trying to shake off whatever you’ve been feeling since Kate sat down next to you. She looks down at your tray and points at the blueberry muffin you’ve left untouched.

“Were you gonna eat that?” You shake your head and push the tray a little towards her.

“It’s all yours.” Kate smiles at you and picks up the muffin. Somewhere in the background you’re aware that Fern and Lu are speaking, but you lose the ability to focus on anything else as you watch Kate’s fingers peeling the muffin liner off, and you can’t help but watch as she breaks off a piece of the muffin and brings it to her mouth.

You snap yourself out of the daydream you’ve found yourself to rejoin the conversation.

“We can hang out in mine and Fern’s room tonight,” Lu says. “Y/N, you can come hang out too.” You agree and shyly smile. It felt good to finally know you had people who seemed to like having you around.

------------------------

It’s been a few weeks and you’re amazed at how you’ve managed to become such close friends with these girls already.

It’s become routine for you and your friends to hang out most nights after you were all done with your school work. Kate often brings her work with her to hang out with you or one of your other friends beforehand, saying she gets too bored working on her own, and you always let her, glad to be able to spend time with her.

Victoria also likes to show up when you’re all hanging out. You wouldn’t mind if it weren’t for the jabs she’d always throw at Fern and the fact that Lu and Kate seem thrilled by every stupid idea she comes up with. You and Fern always shoot each other glances when she’s talking about doing whatever rebellious act she’s come up with.

You sit by the windowsill and watch Kate apply makeup to Fern’s face while Lu sketches at her desk. Kate leans back to look at Fern and nods in approval.

“Hey, Y/N. Come over here,” she calls to you and you hesitate slightly before standing and walking over to where Kate’s rummaging through her makeup bag. “I think this colour will go great with your eyes.” She grabs out an eyeliner pencil and steps closer to you.

“Get used to this. She does it a lot,” Fern laughs as she moves to sit on her bed. You try to laugh too, despite the internal panic you feel when Kate gently grabs your face with her hand to steady you.

You try to keep your breathing even and hope that Kate doesn’t notice your increased heart rate as she finishes with the eyeliner. She puts the eyeliner down and leans back, smiling at you as her eyes study your face.

“Okay I was right. You look hot.” You feel your cheeks immediately burn and you try to duck your head. Kate picks up some lipstick and holds it out for you. “Now put this on.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit much?” You mumble and Kate rolls her eyes playfully at you.

“Oh, please. Live a little, won’t you?” She steadies your face with her hand again and looks down to your lips as she applies the colour to them. When she’s done, her eyes stay on your lips for a moment before they look back up into yours.

“There,” she speaks softly and you’re not sure if you imagine the shy expression on her face and the tension that fills the air between the two of you. “You look beautiful.”

Before you can respond, Victoria barges into the room and successfully ruins whatever moment you think could have been happening between you and Kate.

“Kate, pass me that lip colour. I’m going to get the school key from Peter today so I have to look my best.”

“Wait, you were serious about that?” Fern questions as Kate hands her the lipstick.

“Of course I was. We’ve got to have a little fun and rebellion while we’re here, don’t we?” You and the other girls all look between each other, and when she’s met with silence, Victoria looks up from the mirror and raises her eyebrows at you with an exasperated look.

“Come on.” She smirks at Kate and steps closer to her. “Kate. It’s your senior year. Surely you want to have a little fun, right?” It only takes a few seconds before Kate is nodding and grinning in Victoria’s direction.

“Yeah, if you get the key we’ll go.” Victoria squeals in excitement before practically running out of the room. Kate turns back around to face you all again, offering Fern a sheepish grin when the other girl glares at her lightly.

“You really want me to get expelled during my first semester here, huh?” Kate chuckles and even Fern giggles a little and shakes her head.

“It’ll work out fine,” Lu reassures you from her seat at her desk.

“Hey, maybe if we go to the fair we’ll see the guys from the all boys school,” Kate beams as she wiggles her eyebrows. “You know I love it when we run into them.” You’ve heard a lot of these kind of comments about guys from Kate over the last few weeks, but it still makes your heart sink every time.

“I swear you’re the horniest person in this entire school,” Fern jokes and Kate shrugs.

“What can I say? I know what I like.”

You head back to where you’d been sitting near Lu before. You let out a quiet sigh and try to ignore the conversation that continues, zoning out as you stare blankly at the floor. You miss the way Lu looks from you to Kate, a curious look on her face.

------------------------

You’re completely lost in your daydream as you rest your head on your hand, staring at Kate from your seat near the back of the classroom. Recognising that you have a pretty heavy crush on someone you consider a close friend, you’d decided to try to distance yourself slightly from Kate, at least until you can figure out what the hell to do to deal with your feelings. But you still continued to catch yourself with your eyes glued to her, watching her every move.

This time, though, you’re shaken from your daydream when Lu nudged you from the seat next to you. You quickly take your eyes from Kate and look to Lu.

“You okay?” She speaks in a hushed tone, trying not to gain any attention from the class.

“Hm? Oh, yeah.” You try to offer a convincing smile but she clearly doesn’t buy it.

“Really? ‘Cause I swear you haven’t taken your eyes off Kate the entire lesson.”

Your cheeks immediately turn red and you clear your throat, trying to gather your thoughts.

“No I haven’t.” Lu shoots you an incredulous look and a teasing smile shows up on her face.

“Oh yeah? What has Mr Middlewood been going on about this entire lesson, then?”

“Uh.” You glance quickly around the classroom, trying to find anything that will give you the answer but finding nothing. “Shakespeare?”

“Not even close.” You sigh and Lu’s eyes soften as she continues to watch you. “What’s on your mind?” You hesitate to speak and let your gaze settle back on Kate for another moment.

“The guys Kate was talking about. She’s with one of them?” You try to speak nonchalantly but you’re not entirely sure how convincingly you’re pulling it off.

“Honestly? I don’t know. I’ve seen her fool around with one of them a few times at some parties we’ve gone to, but I don’t think they’re actually together.”

“Right.” You nod and feel any hope you had left completely vanish. Lu studies you a little longer as you stare at your desk and your brow furrows slightly, completely lost in thought.

“You like her, don’t you?” She presents it as a question, though when your eyes snap up to meet hers you have a feeling she’s figured it all out anyway.

“What? No!” You speak in a defensive tone, much louder than you had intended, and almost the entire class turns to face you at your outburst. You try to make yourself appear smaller, offering Mr Middlewood an apologetic smile before he continues his lesson.

Shorty after, the bell rings and you stand up. Lu places a hand on your arm to get your attention.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. We don’t have to talk about it. But you know I’m here if you decide you want to, okay?” You see Kate starting to make her way over to you and Lu, so you quickly grab your things and look back to Lu.

“Okay.” You smile and nod at her. “I will. Thanks Lu.” She nods and lets you leave before Kate reaches your seat.

------------------------

Your interactions with Kate go kind of like this over the next few days. If you’re in a group setting, you tend to sit away from Kate, as much as you really would like to sit right next to her. If Kate asks to come by your room to study with you, you always come up with some excuse for her not to, and you’ve even gotten yourself out of some group plans too. Though very likely irrational, you figure it’s the best decision to keep your distance until your feelings fade.

On the day you're all meant to sneak out to the fair using the key Victoria had, the possibility of running into those guys comes to mind and you really try to get out of going.

“You absolutely have to come with us,” Lu says. You’re in your room, sitting on your bed while Fern sits at the chair by your desk and Lu stands.

“Yeah,” Fern says. “I’m meant to be helping Peter with his paper, so if they’re making me come then you have to as well.” You look at both of them as Kate and Victoria walk in through your open door. Kate leans on your desk and Victoria stands by the door.

“Well? Are we ready to go?” She looks at you all impatiently and Fern and Lu shoot you a look before you let out a sigh, standing.

“Yeah, let’s go.” You grab your jacket and you all head out, sneaking out of the building easily and starting the walk down the long road towards the fair.

“Hey.” You turn your head to find Kate walking beside you. She offers you a smile, which you return. “Where’ve you been hiding lately?”

“Oh, I’ve been around.” It feels wrong to not talk to Kate in the usual way you would, but she just seems glad to be talking to you now, smiling even wider at you before bumping her shoulder into yours lightly.

“Well, we’ve missed you.” You continue to walk side by side and you let yourself smile at Kate’s words.

When you reach the fair, you all grow more excited and you actually let yourself have some fun with your friends. Of course, this doesn’t as long as you’d hoped, as you hear Kate squeal in excitement before she’s running towards a group of boys. You and the other girls follow her and when she jumps at one of the guys and kisses him you try to act as unaffected as possible.

They decide to run off to the ferris wheel, leaving everyone else behind. You had already at some point lost Victoria and Fern makes it obvious that she wants to go off on her own somewhere too as she backs away from you and Lu, so you both wave her off and Lu turns to you.

“We should probably go make sure she’s gonna be okay over there.” She tilts her head in the direction of the ferris wheel and you sigh and nod at her begrudgingly. By the time you two stand in front of the ferris wheel, Kate is already cheering and yelling across the fair and you look up as the guy next to her pulls her closer and they kiss again.

“So that’s the guy, huh?” You struggle to keep your tone light as you watch the scene before you.

“Yeah. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” You shrug a shoulder and laugh dryly. “Of course the girl I like has to be straight.”

“Yeah. I think I kinda know that feeling too.” Your head turns fast as you look at Lu, and she just shrugs at you before explaining. “I’ve been finding out some stuff about myself recently too, I think. I’m sure you get it.” She gestures back towards the ferris wheel where Kate is cheering again, and you can’t help the smile that grows on your face at the sound of her laughter.

“You really like her,” Lu observes and you let out a deep sigh.

“Not that it matters.” You see some tables not far from you and point towards them. “Should we sit down and wait? We’ve clearly got a lot to discuss about you, too.” You smirk at her when she suddenly gets nervous and the two of you make your way to one of the tables.

------------------------

You and Lu are given a good amount of time to sit and talk before Kate comes over, stumbling as she stops in front of the table.

“Hey there, pretty ladies,” she says in greeting, slumping down into an empty chair and grinning widely.

“Oh god, Kate. How much did you end up drinking and smoking?” Lu wears a tired expression, probably already preparing herself for the walk home and getting Kate back into the school safely and quietly in her state.

“Mm, I don’t know.” Kate scrunches her forehead in thought for a moment before a cheeky grin takes over her face. “But, god, I forgot how great a kisser he is. We need to sneak out more often.” She bites her lip as you assume she thinks about the boy whose tongue was just down her throat, and it’s enough for you to abruptly stand up. Both Lu and Kate look at you.

“I’m gonna go find Fern and Victoria so we can head back.” Lu gives you a sad kind of smile and nods and you turn and walk away.

Thankfully Fern and Victoria were already walking together in search of you, so it didn’t take long before you were all walking backwards the school. Unfortunately for all of you, the weather decided to mirror what you were feeling, and so it absolutely poured as you all shuffled together miserably along the side of the road.

“Kate, stop walking out onto the road. No one’s going to stop for us.” Lu pulls Kate back to the side of the road, having already done so several times. Kate pouts and huffs heavily as she falls into step next to you.

“God, this is miserable,” you hear her mumble before she presses herself into your side and you let her for a moment, quietly enjoying the warmth she brings.

“Yeah, tell me about it,” you mutter, gently moving yourself away from her body. At the sudden loss of warmth, she looks to you in question.

“Are you okay?” She eventually asks. You keep your eyes facing straight ahead and you nod dismissively.

“Yeah.”

Kate opens her mouth to speak again but Lu obviously picks up on what’s going on, slotting herself between you and Kate and allowing you room to walk next to Fern. She offers you a reassuring smile that you aren’t quite expecting from her and then grabs your arm so you can both provide each other some warmth, walking in this position the rest of the way back.

------------------------

The next morning you’re sitting in the dining hall with Lu and Fern, finishing up with your breakfast when Kate takes the seat next to you.

“God, I think I’m paying for last night a little,” she runs a hand through her messy hair and picks up the mug that’s sitting on her tray. “This coffee better bring me back to life.” Before the conversation of last night can even continue, you stand up and grab your empty tray.

“Alright girls, I’m out of here.” You wave and begin to walk away before Kate pulls the mug away from her lips and calls your name to stop you.

“Did you want to maybe hang out later and watch a movie or something? It’s been a while.” She looks hopeful and you come close to saying yes, but instead force a smile onto your face.

“Uh, I’ve got a paper I really need to work on. Maybe some other time?” Her face drops a little and she nods at you as you turn to leave.

Kate turns to Lu and Fern who are both sitting silently.

“What’s up with her? She’s been acting so weird the last few days.” Kate pouts and looks at her friends, who both share a glance. “What?”

“Nothing.” Kate eyes her friends suspiciously.

“Okay, well that was an obvious lie. What is it?” Lu bites her lip, clearly unsure of what to do. “Come on, Lu.” She sighs and shoots a light glare at Kate.

“Okay, fine. Don’t tell her I told you this.” She pauses and Kate gestures for her to continue talking. “Y/N kinda has a pretty major crush on you so I think she’s just trying to distance herself a bit so she can deal with it,” Lu blurts out and Kate’s eyes widen at her.

“Wait. Y/N has a crush on me?”

“Uh, yeah dude. It’s pretty obvious. Even I figured it out,” Fern chuckles and Kate furrows her brow and blinks.

“I didn’t even know she was into girls,” she mumbles to herself. “But I don’t get it, that’s why she’s been acting weird with me?”

“Well, yeah.” Lu shrugs one shoulder at Kate as if it should have been obvious. “I mean, you’ve talked about guys almost non-stop, and you hooked up with that guy last night. She’s just trying to spare her own feelings by having some distance from you.”

Kate tilts her head. “What do you mean? How will that spare her feelings?”

“Well, you’re straight. So she knows you can’t reciprocate her feelings.” A beat of silence falls over the table and all three girls feel the weight of it. “Wait. You are straight, right?”

------------------------

You sit in Mr Middlewood’s class next to Lu, trying to focus on the lesson. ‘Trying’ being the keyword. You’ve caught Kate more than a handful of times trying to subtly look at you over her shoulder. Again, ‘trying’ being the keyword. She definitely wasn’t the most subtle person you’ve ever met.

“What’s she doing?” You whisper when you catch her gaze again before she quickly looks away.

Lu looks up from her book. “What’s who doing?”

“Kate. She keeps looking over here. Plus, I swear I haven’t heard her flirt with Mr Middlewood once this whole lesson.”

“Oh. I hadn’t noticed.” Kate looks over yet again and looks back the other way, and you continue to watch her in confusion.

“See. She just did it again.” Lu remains silent and a thought suddenly hits you. “You didn’t tell her, did you?” You look at Lu and she instantly becomes a stuttering mess, avoiding your eyes.

“Um..”

“Lu! Are you serious!” You hiss, avoiding calling attention to yourself in the middle of class again.

“I’m sorry!” Lu tries. “She knew something was up so-“

“So you just told her? Oh my god.” You drop your face in your hands and thankfully hear the bell ring, standing and grabbing your books. You completely avoid looking in Kate’s direction again.

“I’ll see you later?” Lu asks hopefully with a sheepish smile on her face.

“We’ll see. I haven’t decided if I’m gonna kill you or not yet.” You glare at her as you walk away but you both know you likely won’t stay mad at her for long. Trying to dart through the hallway as quickly as you can, you’re stopped by a hand on your elbow and you turn to find exactly who you weren’t really wanting to see right now.

“Y/N.” Kate says carefully.

“Uh, hey Kate.” Her hand stays on your arm, but she brings it further down to your forearm.

“Are you headed to your room?” You nod. “Mind if I walk you?” She smiles at you, but you note that it lacks the playful kind of confidence her smiles usually carry.

You hesitate for a moment but decide you might as well have whatever conversation you need to have with her and get it over with.

“Uh, sure.” She nods gratefully to you and drops her hand from your arm as you begin to walk side by side towards your room. As you walk, the continued silence between the two of you makes you increasingly more nervous, going over scenarios in your head of what Kate might want to talk to you about.

Reaching your door, you turn to Kate who still hasn’t said a word since you started walking. “Thanks for walking me here. I guess I’ll see you-“

“Is it okay if I come in for a minute? I kinda wanted to talk to you.” Her body looks pretty tense and she’s acting so unlike how she normally does that you feel a sinking feeling wash over you, expecting the worst.

She doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I fucked it up, you think to yourself.

“Yeah, okay,” you manage, opening the door for her to walk through. You close you eyes tightly for a moment and breathe, keeping your emotions at bay before you follow Kate into your room.

You silently watch her as she paces the floor of your room a few times, deciding on taking a seat at the edge of your bed. Her knee bounces and she looks anywhere but at you. You take another breath to try and calm yourself down before you finally can’t take it anymore.

“Alright Kate, let’s just get this over with.” She looks up to meet your eyes, confusion across her face.

“Get this over with?” You shoot her a slightly exasperated look.

“Come on. I know Lu told you.” Kate bites her lip and drops her eyes, and normally you’d find it cute but this whole conversation seems to have you on edge. “You don’t want to be friends anymore,” you state as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Kate’s head snapping back up to look at you sends you a different message, though.

“Wait, what? That’s what you think I want?”

“Well, yeah.” You feel less sure of yourself after Kate’s reaction, your tone less aggressive. “This stupid crush has obviously made things too awkward now.”

“That’s not it at all. The opposite, actually.” Kate seems to find some of her confidence again and she sits a little straighter, sounds a bit more sure of herself.

“What do you mean?” Kate pats the spot on the bed next to her, waiting for you to join her before she speaks.

“Since I first met you, there’s always been something pulling me towards you. It’s confused me for a while now, but I never really thought about it too much. And I don’t think I realised what it was until Lu told me that you liked me.” Kate’s eyes stare into yours and she looks nervous, maybe even scared, but she takes a deep breath to steady herself before grabbing your hand.

“I’m an idiot for not realising it sooner.” She places a hand on your cheek and strokes it softly with the pad of her thumb, her eyes travelling your face.

“Kate?”

Hearing your voice brings Kate out of the trance she had found herself in, her eyes meeting yours again before she slowly leans her head towards yours. You somehow find the confidence to meet her halfway, her soft lips pressing against your own.

Your first kiss is light and you only pull back for a tiny moment before Kate lets go of your hand to pull you in closer by the waist. Your second kiss is all smiles and quiet laughter and you eventually have to pull back when you’re both grinning too wide for the kiss to continue.

Catching your breath, your eyes move from Kate’s grin up to her stunning eyes.

“So, you don’t want to stop being friends with me then?” Kate chuckles and shakes her head at you.

“Okay, forget what I said before. You’re the idiot.” Your mouth falls open only with mild offence before Kate’s pulling you towards her again.

[holocene-days]

hey jemma, would really love some tips about how you've been figuring yourself out, would love to get to that place but difficult to know where to start

ahh hi! 

i should probably preface this by saying that this has been a hella long process that’s taken place over the past 2 years. 

a lot of this post is gonna be me talking about my experiences bc i’m not really good at the whole second person advice thing. so i hope this is helpful in some way!! also lol sorry this got really long, i just had lots of thoughts 

*tw mention of eating disorders, nothing too in depth but just like talk about anorexia and such things*

i kinda started this journey in fall of 2017 when i realized i had lost myself and was struggling severely with an eating disorder and went to see the therapist at my uni who specializes in eating disorders. she diagnosed me with anorexia which was like a major wake up call and i was like jfc who am i what am i doing to myself how did i get this way. i had lost over 20 pounds and was completely focused on how i looked and i felt so out of control of my life and my desires and ambitions that i coped with it through controlling my weight and how i looked. long story short, saw this therapist through fall of 2017 and at the beginning of december had a breakthrough, which was when i said “i don’t want to be thin, i want the things i think being thin will get me”, thus the start of my recovery began. 

i then spent 8 months of 2018 studying abroad in london and traveling around europe and met the most amazing people and had some of the best experiences of my life (shout out to my girls matilde @timobeechalamet and megan @blxckisthecolor) and because i was so focused on traveling and school i didn’t really have any sense of self, which actually was quite beneficial because i was trying to recover from this traumatic thing and the distraction of travel and school were very helpful.

went back to the states in dec and graduated from uni this may. spent my last semester focused on myself and finishing my degree and spending lots of time with my friends. and here’s where i really started to work on myself.

i’ve always had lots of anxiety around school and perfection (which is why i initially started seeing a therapist 4 years ago) and it took me a lil while but i’ve realized that i don’t feel these kinds of pressures anymore because i’m out of this environment which was stifling and stressful, i’m able to be myself more. which brings us up to the present day where i now feel like i have the time and comfortable environment to enjoy myself and explore new things.

1. focus on your passions. what do you love? what do you love to do? are there classes you can take to learn more? books you can read? my big love is acting so i got a degree in it and then went to LA this summer for a month and a half to go to a film acting school and through that program learned SO much about what i want from myself as an artist. i watch lots of movies and series. find way to incorporate what you love into your daily life. take just 30 minutes for it and just focus on it. i find that keeping a tag on here of things that inspire me artistically can be really helpful bc if i’m ever feeling uninspired or stuck i can go back and look through the posts and get mentally back on track with my passion.

2. writing. i’ve been keeping a journal since i was about 15. i don’t really make diary entries in it but i love lists and making lists about concepts or themes or aesthetics. i recently made a list of all of my favorite meals this way in case i don’t know what to make, i have a basis to go back to of things i know my body loves. some nights i just come up with an idea and i take out my journal and just write and don’t edit myself. just keep the ideas going. no detail is too small. it’s just really nice to have a place with all my thoughts and ideas and feelings. writing is really cathartic for me. 

3. bullet journaling. my bullet journal is separate from my other journal and in it i keep my month and mind in check. i draw out each month and write down thoughts and goals of things i want to do for the month. i have pages about the law of attraction and new things i want to try and quotes about acting and being an artist. it’s such a great way for me to customize my life in a sense and have a book of my current life and thoughts to refer to.

4. your space. i am that girl who always has clothes on her bedroom floor, and everything is typically very messy. but that shit stresses me out so much. and so in an effort to try to have more peace in my life, i’m trying to do better about it. literally yesterday i deep cleaned and redecorated half of my bedroom and put in a bookshelf from my dad’s office and put lots of plants and books on it and wow it really transformed my room. it was SUCH a simple thing that took like an hour but really changed the whole vibe of my room. your room is you lil home in ur apartment or house and it needs to be your happy, chill space where you feel comfortable. putting in effort in your room seriously changes so much about your mental attitude. i’m trying to get in the habit of making my bed each morning and it’s been v helpful!!

5. ya body. i think taking care of your body is so incredibly important in your self discovery journey because it affects how your brain works and your outlook on yourself and the greater world. bc of my ed my sense of body has been real fucked for so long (i’m talking like 10 years :))))) ). here’s how i got to a better place with it 1. lots of therapy lol. 2. reminding myself that my body is a living, breathing animal that requires food to function and movement to feel good. breaking the idea of movement (i.e. working out) away from the idea of being skinny has been hard but intensely helpful and effective in the way i view my body. i focus on movement. not working out, not burning calories. things like walking, biking, dancing, ice skating are all physical activities i really enjoy that don’t feel like working out. food is a whole other beast. i totally still struggle with food sometimes but it’s getting better. i’ve been focusing a lot on intuitive eating over the past couple months (these posts by @heavyweightheart have been so incredibly helpful in teaching me about this) and that food list i made a few days ago is also really helpful. my advice would be eat what feels good to your body and makes you have energy and feel good. stay active in your life and move in ways that also feel good. the more i take care of my body, the better my mind feels and the more in touch with myself i am.

6. back off instagram. that shit is... not great. i mean, it def has its moments (and memes) but overall i just feel like insta is a place where people post photos of their “perfect life moments” and want their friends to validate it. and then there’s all those influencers on there and so many insta stories and it’s just really overwhelming. if you really like instagram and don’t feel like it’s anxiety inducing then def keep it! but also know that it’s okay to step back from it for a lil bit. it really helped me to feel more present and not continuously compare myself to others and feel a need to post if a cool thing happened. it’s been nice to be more private and keep things for myself. 

7. patience. remembering that things take time and what you want is achievable you just have to keep goings. try new things. change your approach, allow yourself to fail. learn from the failure and do better next time. 

8. kindness. towards yourself and others. really putting in the effort to be kind to people in your everyday life makes SUCH a difference and really brightens their day and yours as well. putting out good vibes brings back good vibes, which then allows you to feel better about yourself and more in tune with others around you.

i’m going to stop this here bc this is so fucking long at this point lol i’m so sorry for that but i hope some of this was helpful pls let me know!!

[comradecowplant]

WELL it was an easy read and I finished the book already. I gotta do a classic Dani Vents About a Story post that will include significant spoilers, so be careful if you are reading/want to read The Mercies by Kiran Millwood Hargraves. I’m about to bitch about it a lot, but overall it was an interesting book that I’d still (mostly) recommend if you have an interest in historical fiction surrounding the Norwegian witch trials.

Most of it was really good, although a few theme threads and character arcs completely fell apart in the final act. I knew it was going to be dark-- again, 17th century witch trial shit-- but the actual “murder my favorite characters” bit thankfully didn’t begin until pretty late in the story, which lets the focus remain more on the lives of the women vs their horrific deaths. The author does a (mostly) great job at creating interesting characters you fall in love with, and succeeded immensely at bringing the landscape and village of Vardo to life.

BUT 

IN THE LAST LITERAL FOUR PAGES, THE NARRATIVE TOOK ALL THE MEANING THAT THE PROTAGANISTS HAD CREATED OUT OF THEIR HARDSHIPS AND THREW IT OVER A CLIFF (LITERALLY! & EACH USE OF THIS WORD HERE HAS BEEN THE PROPER USE. although i guess a fictional event cannot be truly ‘literal’ BUT WHATEVER I AM NOT GETTING LOST IN THE WEEDS WITH PEDANTICS). I am so fucking mad, and it serves as a reminder to why I typically don’t read/watch many period pieces these days, unless it is a period setting in a fantasy/sci fi world. So many people think that in order to bE rEaLiStIc when writing about periods in history, you simply MUST be as grimdark as possible, especially with conclusions, but I find that perspective boring and uncreative as hell. Bitch it’s already fiction! it’s already lies! you are god in the universe you write, have some courage and don’t concede to established tropes that center on garish suffering to define the experiences of historically (& contemporaneously) marginalized people! At least in a medieval-set fantasy story, you get the vibes of the historical setting, but also your friends can swoop by on a dragon and rescue the innocent pants-wearing fisherwoman who is about to be burned alive by the racist woman-hating church.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love a story with a messy & unhappy ending. I even love an occasional grimdark story! But as I get older, I see & feel more the evils which inspired these historical events and how they still burden our world today, and I do not enjoy spending my free time reading/watching movies that are centered on suffering for suffering’s sake-- if I want a story about senseless violence & the underdogs who never win, I will just turn on the fucking news. SO, for me, the dark stories I do enjoy cannot just be traumaporn in a difference shell, the darkness has. to. make. sense. You can’t spend 300 pages on a woman overcoming her grief of losing her brother/father/fiancé/half her village & learning how to be a #StrongIndependantWoman, then have her just kill herself on the last page. It just isn’t narratively good, it just isn’t! And to be clear, the author could have gone WAYYYYYYYY darker in many places throughout the book & did not even come close to going full grimdark. I think overall she greatly succeeded at balancing hope & hopelessness. It was done so well in fact that I was lulled into a false sense of security that maybe just maybe there might be a way out for our ladies, a conclusion that didn’t end with the kind of complete misery that historic fiction tends to skew towards. But there is this overwhelming sense in the final few pages that, probably due to the aforementioned loyalty to perceived “historical accuracy”, she hadn’t included enough suffering (even though there is PLENTY of tragedy to go around by that point) & she didn’t know how to finish the story. So when in doubt, kill 👏 those 👏 gays 👏 (although we don’t know the fate of the other woman, who has entire chapters given from her perspective, but Meren just says bye & we never hear about Ursa again 😤)

Which brings us to, yeah, it did have gay shit like I thought, and up until the garbage of the last four pages, it was a very touching romance. But it too concluded in a way that is only satisfying if you squint, and adds to the inconsistencies that I mentioned above. I’ve never in my life said this before, and it makes me ill to even type this, but, *sob* it probably would have been a better story if the two women had remained platonic friends and no touch-a the booba. I know a lot of people think I’m One of Those cringe queers who will read/watch absolute garbage just if there is a queer person (which tbf I definitely also do sometimes, & it’s actually very valid of me, thank u very much), but if that were true I would have finished that awful Warming Trend book that I blogged about like 2 years go, or read any of the hundreds of stupid “subtext” trash that folks like to recommend, or ship Supercorp (no offense to anyone who ships them, I get it, Katie McGrath is hot, but come on, there is a perfectly good lesbian already on the show), or watched Glee. No, I do actually have some standards--  Are they super high, as a love-starved reader/viewer who uses romantic fiction as a primary means of escapism/coping with my shitty life? No, lmao. But as a writer, and as a queermo, nothing grinds my gears more than a badly executed lgbtq+ storyline.

Anyway, I just finished the book an hour ago so my crankiness & disappointment is raw and thus I am all over the place with this rant. I hope I’m not coming off as being too hard on the author, because despite it’s flaws, I am very glad to have serendipitously found The Mercies, and I look forward to checking out KMH’s other works. It’s been a long time since I’ve dug into a book and read it in just a few sittings like I did this, repeating “just one more chapter” for hours until it’s suddenly 3 am, and despite the fuckery to my sleep schedule it contributes to, the feeling is good-- it brings me back to simpler times when I actually was able to experience an ease from the constant uneasiness I always carry in my chest. Idk, moral of the story is that reading is fun, & when I get stuck in my Bad Turns & don’t read for months, it becomes easy to forget how much solace can come from a mid-quality but seductive (not in a horny way. but sometimes also in a horny way, lol) novel. Like, most of my reading these days is miserable 20th century theory or other academic/non-fiction writing related to our depressing capitalist hellscape & impending climate disaster, and The Mercies helped me remember that my roots lie in fiction. It also has me inspired to revisit a couple of historical fictions projects I have laying around, aND MAKE A WOMAN-EMPOWERMENT, ANTI-RACIST, QUEER AS HELL PERIOD FICTION PEICE THAT DOES NOT END IN COMPLETE GARBAGE! And in the meantime, I shall be revisiting the works of Sarah Waters, the only bad bitch I know of who writes queer historical fiction without relinquishing her characters solely to the suffering they experience ✌ 

If anyone has read this far and has any books/authors to recommend (wlw focused preferably, historical fiction or any genre as long as the story itself doesn’t rely on the tropes I touched on, recently published also preferably bc I have a long list of older books/authors but i don’t keep up with new releases like I should, & a lot of the ones I know are white & cis so PLEASE send reccs for more diverse stories/authors if you have them) 

[exodustories]

Exo Reaction: Their gf’s a writer

Suho: He’d love that you were a writer! He’d 100% support you. Sometimes he’d come home late from practice to hear the sound of your fingers tapping away at the keyboard. He laughs to himself at the thought of the keys flying off the keyboard from you typing so fast. He knows how engrossed you get in your writing that you forget about everything else. He’ll peak into the room and mutter a “hey baby, have you eaten?” He’ll snicker at your widened eyes looking at him. He’d always make sure to bring you snacks when you start your writing so that you have something to nibble on. Or if he wants to have some time with you he’ll sit beside you and read a book and it’d be so cute. If he hears you groan bc you’re struggling with writing a scene he’ll chuckle and curl up and lay his head on your shoulder and talk with you about your scene and if you needed him to cuddle you or massage your shoulders he so would.

Xiumin: He’d get all smiley when he see’s you talking about how much you love writing. Or if you’re telling him about your characters in your story and get all excited he’d be all smiley and his heart would flutter. He’d understand that sometimes you needed your own space to really focus when you write. After you’ve finished and come back to him he loves when you tell him if you were able to figure out how to write a scene. He’d be all cheesy and tbh you’d base one of your characters off of him and that’d melt his sweet lil heart

Yixing: Ok this boy is a workaholic and is so hard on himself! But he’d feel more at ease if you were by his side. Like if he was working on some lyrics and deep in thought and you’d be by his side working on your writing. He’d feel so much better that you were working hard beside him. You would both forget to take breaks and be working hard until the late hours of the morning. But both of you would constantly praise each other for constantly working so hard. He’d always ask if he could read your writing but never pressures you bc he knows your shy about it. But, when you do share it with him he’d be !!!!!!!!! you’re amazing wow! I feel like bc of him you’d venture into poetry and experiment with different types of writing bc he’s always trying new writing styles and so you try it out too.

Chanyeol: Omg you’d both literally inspire each other! Like Yixing you’d both work beside each other completely lost in your work. He’d get frustrated and have you help him, you’d always stop your writing or quickly finish up before you helped him. Chan is always dabbling into new things and not afraid to try new things or lean new instruments. Through this you’d always have new inspiration for writing. He doesn’t know much about story writing but he knows how to tell a story through lyrics so he’d help you as well. You’d get inspiration from his lyrics and he’d get inspiration from some of your stories or stuff you’d written about

Kai: Okay he’d completely understand your passion for writing just like he’s passionate about dancing. Sometimes you’d watch him dance and poetry would pour out of you and onto a page. The words would just flow out of you. And when he’s done practicing you’d share with him your poem and he’d get all mushy and fluffy bc you used your passion and wrote about him and his passion. His heart would melt bc wow! You wrote something so beautiful about him. Sometimes you’d ask him to dance for you or show you what dances he was learning so you could get some inspiration. Tbh he’d get inspiration from you bc you look so beautiful and at peace when you’re in your zone.

 Chen: He’d always cheer you on and be your personal cheer leader! If he heard you sighing or frustrated he’d immediately be like “babe you can do this! You got this! You go babe! I love you!” And that’d instantly make you feel better and you’d be able to write some more. Or if you were just having a rough day and your writing wasn’t coming out well he’d buy you your favorite snack or buy you something you’ve been eyeing for a while. “I hope this gives you some inspiration” he’d say and kiss your cheek and you’d honestly do the same for him. You’d cook his favorite food or also buy his fave snack if he was having a hard time. He’d also remind you that it’s okay to take breaks and get back into it when you get more inspiration.

Baekhyun: He’d be supportive so much as well!! If you ever felt down about your writing he’d get serious and tell you all the things you’re good that you think you suck at. He’d know how to cheer you up and be like no babe you’re writing is so good! Don’t give up honey bun! He doesn’t like seeing you beating yourself up over this but he’s always there if you need a hug or a shoulder to cry on. If you’d send him a sad emoji through text bc you were having trouble with writing he’d send a bunch of kissy emojis! You’d surprise him and write a really beautiful poem about him and he’d tear up bc you put your all into it. He’d ask if you could help him write lyrics be he loves your writing and wants to sing something you wrote bc he loves you so much!!!!!!!!!

Sehun: Sehun would always be there if you got frustrated. He’d ask if you needed a cup of tea or some sweets or a nice cuddle! He’s always busy but when he’s around he’ll ask how your writing is going and making sure you’re okay. If he’s away he’ll always text and ask how your writing is going  or if you’ve come up with something new. You always asked about how things were going for him so he always made sure to check in with your writing. You wrote for fun but he knew how passionate you were about it and always wanted updates. He’d also get you to write lyrics with him so you both could mix your passions together. It’d make him feel so happy that you both worked on a piece together and now his group members were performing it along side him. He’d be the happiest boy ever

 D.O: He definitely shows his emotions through his actions rather than words. So if you felt kinda down he’d cook your favorite food or bake you your favorite cookies. It would definitely put a smile on your face to see him coming in with a plate of your favorite sweets. He’d place the plate in front of you and sit beside you and smile while eating the sweets with you. Of course he’d also give you words of encouragement if he felt you really needed to hear it. If you ever came to him and let him know that you were able to get you through your writing he’d smile and pull you into his arms and whisper “I knew you could do it” and bc you’re a writer he’d go over his lines with you and ask you what things he should do to play his character better since you kind of would know since you’re a writer.

[pacman-tattoo]

All even? O:

under the cut since it got long

2. Favorite part of writing.

idk. maybe just being able to share a vision while also letting other people imagine things as they want? if that makes sense???

4. Do you have writing habits or rituals?

mmm….. i guess sometimes i’ll play certain songs/albums?

as in i basically listen to bmc on repeat sometimes when i’m stuck

6. Favorite character you ever created.

:0 i love jaden!!! my son!!! a good boy

other than that, i rly loved writing charlotte and joanne when i wrote countdown even tho they weren’t too prominent since they weren’t the main focus

8. Favorite trope to write.

can i count the new kid in school as a trope

thats a trope tho right

that one

i like it.

10. Pick a writer to co-write a book with and tell us what you’d write about.

can i say i’d write a romance book with literally anyone that i’m mutuals w/ that write????

or any book. romance would be the best option imo but i’d be down for anything

12. How do you deal with self-doubts?

i dont

i technically bottle them up and they they overflow at fuck me up but

uh. alright so.

whenever i start having self-doubts about writing, sometimes i’ll just kinda… leave my writing alone for a while? like, sometimes i’ll end up taking a step back and basically seek some validation somewhere else maybe talk it out with someone else?

other than that, i’ll either push myself to keep writing since it’ll distract me from my doubts.

14. What’s the most research you ever put into a book?

i was about to say something else but.

alright.

countdown. that one rich soulmate fic?

i literally found what would have been the hospital rich was at (it wasn’t a hospital, but it shared the name), figured out how long it would take to get there and back by train, looked up train schedules + ticket prices, and basically how to get to the medical center from one of the train stations there

that’s the first thing that came to mind tbh. i’ve probably done more in the past but idk

18. What’s your revision or rewriting process like?

nonexistent.

ok no it’s more of me glimpsing over my writing before posting it

20. Post a snippet of a WIP you’re working on.

kk. from my poly fic:

       A week later and you’re already buried in your work. The contents of your room have practically been shoved into the closet as you invested all your time into each little detail in each costume. You spent your days either working on small details while in different classes, spray painting shoes during drama, or scribbling in answers to homework due the next period (or day, if you were lucky), courtesy of Christine. If you had a chance, you’d crash on the small, cheap couch in the drama room for a bit, and then you were back home and sewing and (rarely) burning your fingers on hot glue.

       It was hell, but it was worth it.

there u go.

22. How many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied and a project is ultimately done for you?

ok it legit depends. usually my first draft is the draft since almost everything i post on this account is a rough draft tbh (which is also the reason why i get so much writing done tbh)

which sucks because you babes deserve so much better tbh i still dont see why you guys follow me if u want me to be honest

but anyway

i’ll usually rewrite something once or twice if it doesn’t stick the very first time. (aka this is what’s going on with control pt.2)

24. Poetry or prose, and why?

prose. im bad at poetry + im not a huge fan of poetry in general so :/

26. Standalone or series, and why?

probably standalone stuff, but series can be good sometimes. mainly standalone because i don’t have to really consider another part - most of the stuff that i wrote more than one part for i actually didn’t plan for a second part

stuff like Fish Out of Water and Control were things i kinda knew i’d have more than one part once i finished em

30. Favorite line you’ve ever written.

it’s not a single line but the i love you from michael at the end of Third Wheel

i think about it since it’s such a sweet, simple line tbh?

34. Handwritten notes or typed notes?

typed bc my handwriting is b a d

36. A spoiler for story _________.

Control Pt.2:

get ready for some shit to haunt you.

also, being sick can honestly build some bonds between ppl. nothing like texting each other complaining about being sick as fuck.

38. Have you shared your outline of your story ________ with someone? If so, what did they think of it?

i’ve shared my christine fic plans with scott!! he found the idea cute

plus i shared a michael fic idea with lucky and they basically pushed me to write it (since i was kinda :/ about writing it??? they basically made me decide to so

42. How do you figure out your characters looks, personality, etc.

for my ocs that i don’t rly talk about here: i usually draw their personality, looks, ect. from a single idea. jaden came from me wanting to write a more bookish character. welton came from the idea of me wanting to make a gamer, essentially. sachiyo came from a self insert and evolved from there.

for the ocs that i put in my fics: i don’t really have concrete looks for them - you guys can imagine them however you want! sometimes i might reference them twirling hair around their finger or a tattoo or dimples or something - but for the most part, you guys can legit imagine them however. personality usually draws from what the reader needs, in a sense?

44. Best piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten.

i dont even know tbh

46. What would your story _______ look like as a tv show or movie?

uhhh

i have a Really old project called To Perdition and Back which follows a man named Carson as he and his team basically saves ppl from a sort of purgatory???

it would basically deal with his personal struggle. he had an affair with ivan, a man at his work who died during one of their expeditions - and the fact his wife is basically never there for him or his kids, which causes a bit of a strain on the family itself.

the tv show would basically follow carson + his team tbh? plus there’d be subtle hints leading toward the fact that (spoiler) ivan isn’t dead.

the plan is that the show also has representation tbh??? i’ll talk more about it if anyone’s curious.

48. Favorite genre to write in.

uhhh romantic shit.

52. How did writing change you?

idk it basically helped me develop a coping mechanism in a way???

[rvinsounds]

– shall we dance? in which seungyeon has to give advice. alternatively titled ‘four idiots who somehow all got the girl’

a/n: this is almost 5k words i don’t fucking know okay kill me now. also i’m sorry bc this was supposed to be Serious Shit and Cute but somehow halfway through it started to become crack and idk hdbfdsbhfjfd i hope y’all like it anyway lmfoaoa

The announcement for the annual Yule Ball had just gone up on all the bulletin boards in all the houses on the first of December. Which, of course, started a loud commotion among the entirety of the student body, everyone buzzing over who would ask who (mostly between the male populace) and who would be asked by who (among the female students). The professors could barely get the students to focus without interrupting big proposal ideas and endless gossiping. On top of all the homework they were receiving before Christmas, all the students in the fourth year and up were busy coming up with ways to ask out their desired partners.

Though, there was one student that was not concerned in the slightest. Chanuk was entirely unconcerned about the whole process of asking the person he was going with to the ball. Of course, he hadn’t actually asked yet, but it was only a matter of time.

“Hey, who are you going with to the ball?” Seungyeon asks him during study hall, nudging him gently with a smile. The Ravenclaw was usually more studious during study hall, but had seemed to succumb to the way the rest of the student body was reacting, unable to really focus on the History of Magic paper he had open in front of him.

“Arazely,” the Slytherin replies with ease, not even looking up from his Transfigurations paper, eyebrows furrowed together as he writes down the theory behind the Switching Spell they had learnt in class earlier that week. He flips through The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 4 to his required information, squinting at it. “Seungyeonie, what does – why are you looking at me like that?”

“You already asked her? The announcement went up yesterday!” The younger boy’s expression is one of complete awe, having been talking to their other friends and had experienced all of them freaking out about the respective girls they wanted to go with.

“Oh. That’s right …” Chanuk’s eyebrows furrow even more before he shakes silver bangs out of his face, straightening up and glancing around to look for his alleged date to the Yule Ball. He stands, clambering over the bench he was sitting on and he pats Seungyeon on the shoulder before heading down the row to where the Hufflepuff girl was seated. She jumps a bit at the rough tap to her shoulder, glancing up and around only to see a glowering Slytherin boy standing behind her.

“Chanuk? What do you want?” Her voice is soft, and even surprised to see him there. The people around her are whispering too, her friends curious and very obviously trying to eavesdrop on the coming up conversation. No one seems to be expecting what comes next though.

“We’re going to the ball together,” he says, patting her gently on the shoulder before he stalks back to where he had been sitting with Seungyeon, plopping back down next to him again and turning his attention back to his paper.

The Ravenclaw’s expression is one of awe again.

There’s a tap on his shoulder a moment later, Chanuk glowering at the person for a moment for daring to interrupt his paper again only for his expression to soften a moment later when he realizes who it is.

“Okay, we’re going to the ball together,” Arazely confirms with a smile, cheeks slightly pink before she also hurries back to her spot.

“I can’t wait to tell the other hyungs that you beat them all to asking out their dates!” Seungyeon exclaims, grinning widely after he’s had a moment to process what had just happened. “They’re gonna be pissed.”

–

Word goes around in their friendship circle that Chanuk had inadvertently asked his date to the Yule Ball already, and as Seungyeon predicted, the older students are pissed. Euncheol, for one, has been working on asking Nadine out for years and she had never said yes to him. Even after all the things he had tried, he had never once succeeded. Since the announcement for the ball, he’s been concocting many a plan in the safety of one of the more isolated corners of the library.

He’s surrounded by scrunched up balls of parchment, ink scribbles on each of them when Seungyeon finds him in the library.

“Is this another one of your master plans to ask Nadine nuna to the Yule Ball?” he asks the Gryffindor, picking up one of the paper balls on the floor and unraveling it, squinting at the handwriting. He makes out ‘giant squid’, ‘house-elves’ and 'confetti’ before the sheet is snatched out of his hands and crumpled up once again.

“I’m going to figure this out if it’s the last thing I do,” Euncheol promises, before shooing him away. “I need peace and quiet for my master plan – come back later.”

And Seungyeon is promptly kicked out of that corner of the library.

Not having anything else better to do – he had conveniently finished his homework during study hall and considering he wasn’t an OWL student yet, he was free to do whatever he wanted with his spare time – he tagged along to the Slytherin Quidditch practice, wanting to watch. Despite being a member of the Ravenclaw team, his relationship with the Slytherin Quidditch Captain meant that he was trusted not to say anything.

And honestly, he wouldn’t be able to reveal much anyway – though he treasured his relationship with Saebom enough that the Slytherin knew he didn’t have to worry about Seungyeon giving away team secrets to a rival house.

He’s seated in the bleachers as he half-watches the team practice, reading up on the next lesson in his copy of The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection for his Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson tomorrow morning when he’s joined by someone sitting down next to him. Glancing up to see whose presence he had just been graced by, he smiles brightly when he recognizes who it is.

“Nuna, hello,” he greets the older Ravenclaw, waving a little bit as he bookmarks the page he was on. He can always catch up on his readings a little bit later. “Are you waiting for Jess nuna? She’s not done yet … Saebom hyung keeps making them redo their formations. She’s taunting him, I think …” He glances up at the players on their brooms, an amused smile on his lips.

He knows for a fact – actually, probably everyone in the entire school knows for a fact – that the Slytherin captain most definitely had the hots for the Slytherin seeker. And vice versa. Everyone seemed to know about it … besides the two themselves. It was amazingly obvious, even from this far away that the two were flirting once again in the air.

“Are you going to the ball, Seungyeonie?” Megan asks fondly, brushing his hair out of his eyes before frowning a little bit. “You need a haircut soon,” she murmurs, thumbing at the blond strands before she confirms that she is, indeed, waiting for the lavender-haired seeker to finish with the Quidditch practice.

The younger Ravenclaw shrugs in response to both things she had said. “I was going to tag along with Eddy hyung since he’s too lazy to ask someone to go. I don’t have anyone I want to ask so I’m just … going to chill.”

Megan laughs before she ruffles his hair, fixing it the moment right after.They both jump at the shrill shriek of a whistle, Saebom finally signalling for the practice to end. The two Ravenclaws watch with matching expressions of amusement as they watch him get bowled over once he’s close enough to the ground by Jessica, a grin on her face as she straightens up. Even from where they’re sitting, across the entire field almost, they can hear her exclaiming; “Sorry! Forgot to brake,” as she waves at the two of them, mischief written clearly across her face as Saebom lays there on the pitch, dramatically playing dead. “Suck it up you big baby.”

“I’m going to go make sure she doesn’t accidentally kill him,” Megan sighs, patting Seungyeon on the shoulder before getting up to leave and he grins to himself, too amused by the antics of the Slytherins. He watches the older girl head across the Quidditch Pitch before he packs up his stuff. Might as well head to dinner now, and hopefully find the rest of his friends – before he would have to check to make sure Saebom hadn’t ended up in the hospital wing.

He waves back at his friends, who had all stopped what they were doing to wave at him excitedly in hopes he would notice, before heading off and ticking one point off of his mental to-do list.

There was no way Saebom was dying if he was waving at him like that.

–

Usually he prefers to study with Chanuk, since they’re in the same year and share a lot of classes, but he was somehow roped into studying with the head boy and he’s unsure, really, of how this had happened. They were three years apart and the Hufflepuff was doing his NEWTs now – or he should be.

“Hyung?” Seungyeon inquires, glancing at the older male who’s writing furiously in a notebook instead of on parchment paper, copying something down from a textbook.

Sinhwa glances up from his notes, a genuine look of surprise on his face and immediately closes his notebook, and Seungyeon recognizes The Look and quickly backtracks. “It’s nothing important! Really, don’t – you’re doing your Ultimate Dad Thing right now, you know.”

That stops the older male in his tracks of trying to literally drill a hole into the younger’s brain, looking rightfully sheepish as he leans back with a soft laugh. “Oops, sorry.”

The Head Boy settles back in his chair, reopening his notebook and dipping his quill into the inkwell before he glances at the Ravenclaw expectantly, his quill poised to write. “I’m doing my work now, kiddo, please tell me what you were going to say before I accidentally went into Dad Mode.” Seungyeon can’t help but laugh at that, throwing his head back slightly and he has to stifle his laughter by covering his mouth with both hands in case Madame Pince heard him and kicked him out of the library for being too loud. It takes him a few moments to really contain himself before he calms down enough to think about what he had been about to say.

“I was wondering if you had asked Megan nuna to the ball yet,” he murmurs after a moment, knowing that it had been a few weeks already and out of their entire friend group, only Chanuk had really secured a date. He had assumed that Sinhwa and Megan would be going together – they had been dating for almost a year now, if he remembered correctly, so it wasn’t like they would be going with anyone else besides their significant other.

He just didn’t have faith in his most oblivious hyung – for good reason – to have asked his girlfriend to the ball. He was five hundred percent sure that Sinhwa would’ve just assumed that they would be going together. Which was fine and dandy, of course, but he also knew Megan pretty well that he was also five hundred percent sure that she, while not expecting it, would very much enjoy an invitation all the same. Even if she had also assumed that they would be going together.

“Was … Am I supposed to?” Sinhwa looks very surprised, as Seungyeon had fully expected him to if he were honest, and even a bit caught off guard. “She’s already – should I ask her then?”

“Hyung … would I be asking you this if that wasn’t what I was implying the whole time?” The younger points out, shaking his head and pretending to facepalm, sighing audibly before he glances around.

“This sounds bad, and I don’t been to stereotype or anything, but it’s a girl thing. Also, I know Mei nuna and she would definitely like for you to ask her. So you should do it. Now. Or, soon,” he says, an air of finality in his voice. Despite being the youngest of their group of friends, his words are often taken the most seriously out of everyone’s because … well, because he was the youngest. Also, probably because he was the shyest one and tended to not go out of his way to get noticed, and therefore was the one who noticed more things than everyone else.

He didn’t like to admit it, but being the baby of their friendship group did most definitely have its perks.

“Anyways hyung, I think you should ask her to the ball,” he says, turning his own attention back to his notes as he reads them over quietly, glancing up once just to make sure he could see the gears turning in the older’s head.

Merlin, he really hoped he wouldn’t have to intervene with everyone to get them to finally ask their specific persons to the Yule Ball. Matchmaker Seungyeon Kim did not have a nice ring to it. Really. It didn’t.

–

“Do you think Euncheol hyung will finally stop trying to come up with extravagant plans and ask Nadine nuna to the ball before Sinhwa hyung realizes that he still hasn’t asked Megan nuna to the ball?”

“I think Saebom hyung will forget to ask Jess nuna to the ball until the last minute.”

“But he’s been meaning to ask her since you asked Ara to the ball! I don’t think he’ll be the last one. I think Euncheol hyung will psyche himself out.”

“5 Sickles that Euncheol hyung will be next, Sinhwa hyung after and Saebom hyung will be last.”

“Okay, deal.”

–

There’s only a week and a half left before Christmas Day, and more importantly, the day of the Yule Ball and Euncheol is starting to panic. Seungyeon had found him in the library again, once more surrounded by crumpled up plans of asking Nadine to the Yule Ball, and not one good one in sight.

He was starting to become desperate.

The Ravenclaw had convinced him to literally just YOLO it – whatever that meant. He liked to think he kept up with Muggle slang enough that he could understand what Jessica and Seungyeon liked to yell at each other, and what Sinhwa would reference after a summer of being at home, but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what 'Just you only live once it’ could possibly mean.

He had taken it to mean just go for it, and the Gryffindor honestly hoped that that was what Seungyeon had meant.

If not, he was probably going to embarrass himself. Not that that was something of a surprise to him anymore, since he tended to do that on his own just fine.

But, with Seungeon’s encouragement, he was finally planning to march straight up to his housemate and just ask her outright. To hell with all of his fancy plans, honestly. Hopefully, she would take it straight and not reject him with one of her stupid excuses of not 'dating Gryffindors because they were dumb’ since, that was technically a diss upon herself.

He was getting sidetracked.

Pacing quietly outside of the classroom he knew the sixth year Gryffindors and Ravenclaws were in for Transfiguration, he waits with a single rose in his hand. Of course, he had had to have something even if it wasn’t part of any of his great schemes. Operation Ask Nadine to the Yule Ball On The First Try had to be a success – so a rose it was.

(Also part of Seungyeon’s suggestions.)

When she finally steps out of the classroom, he rushes up to her before she realizes what’s happening. He’s prepared for rejection, honestly speaking, and his mind is whirring with things he can say to either play it off as a joke or to retort with to her usual excuse for saying no.

“Nadine,” he calls out, grabbing her hand and whirling her around before she can get her bearings together, smiling at her. Man, he’s been pining after her for years – fingers crossed, fingers crossed! “Go to the ball with me,” Euncheol murmurs, presenting her with the rose and he ducks his head slightly, different words on the tip of his tongue.

She’s quiet for a moment, and his heart leaps to his throat. The tension is too real, and the older Gryffindor feels like an eternity has passed before she finally opens her mouth to speak. His heart is pounding in his ears and he’s most definitely sure he had heard wrong when his brain processes her answer.

“… okay.”

“Fine! I didn’t want to go with you anyway! It was a –” he pauses, having blurted out his automated response without having really listened to what she had said. “Wait – sorry, I expected you to say no.”

There’s a smile on her face, one that will probably stay etched in his brain forever as the one that can always take his breath away, before she punches him hard in the arm and takes the rose from him.

“This doesn’t mean I’m taking back what I said about Gryffindors though,” she mutters at him, holding the rose carefully in her arms before she smiles again. “See you later?”

And all he can do is nod dumbly as the sixth year hurries off to her next class.

“Yes!”

–

“What’s Euncheol screaming about now?” Saebom asks, sidling up next to the younger and slinging an arm around his shoulders, both of them watching in amusement as their Gryffindor fistpumps his way around the hallway, randomly high-fiving people that they’re sure he doesn’t actually know. “I mean, he’s usually screaming. But this is a bit excessive, even for him.”

“Hey hyung,” Seungyeon glances up at the Slytherin, smiling in greeting before he turns his attention back to their overly happy friend. “Nadine nuna said yes to going to the ball with him, that’s what.”

There’s dead silence in answer to that statement and the Ravenclaw knows exactly what that entails, nudging the older male with his shoulder before turning to face him yet.

“Still haven’t figured out how to ask Jess nuna to the ball yet, hey?”

Saebom blanches slightly, shaking his head a moment after. “She’s not going with anyone yet, right?” He asks, his expression concerned and Seungyeon really wants to say yes just to see him sweat but he decides to take mercy on his friend, shaking his head in answer instead.

“I really think she’s waiting for you to ask her,” he points out, sighing and as much as he likes the older boy, he can’t help but think he might be incredibly dense sometimes. “She’s asked me a few times if you’re going with someone, too.”

The Slytherin seems to be lost in thought, fingers combing through his bangs in what Seungyeon is sure is a nervous habit, though Saebom does it all the damn time so he’s honestly not too sure if he’s just obsessed with how his hair looks. “Please ask her soon – I think Nadine nuna is planning to castrate you if you don’t.”

–

Honestly, Sinhwa had been fully planning on acting on Seungyeon’s words after he had heard them but between studying for his NEWTs, doing homework, spending time with his girlfriend and his Head Boy duties, it’s completely slipped his mind that he should’ve asked her to the ball properly. Especially during the time that he spends with her – he would much rather allow himself to enjoy her presence rather than have to worry about something like asking her to the ball.

But, a voice that sounds suspiciously like Seungyeon’s in the back of his head likes to remind him, she would be happy that you asked her even if she’s not expecting it.

He decides, in the end, when it startles him that there’s only a week left before Christmas, that he has to just hunker down and do it. It really shouldn’t be that hard – but why is he suddenly so nervous? They’re literally just meeting to have lunch together before they have to go off to their respective classes afterwards but his palms are feeling clammy and he has to rub them against his robes. It’s not like he thinks she’ll be mad at him, or God forbid, say no to his invite but his heart is thudding in his chest anyway.

It reminds him of when he had asked her out.

Now is not the time to think about that! The Head Boy scolds himself, smoothing down his shirt and he sighs softly to himself before he straightens his spine and heads into the Great Hall, glancing immediately at the Ravenclaw table to search the length of it for his girlfriend. She’s not hard for him to find, and he makes his way over immediately, plopping himself down next to her with a soft greeting.

They eat lunch quietly, just enjoying each other’s company in the few calm moments they could steal everyday before their hectic lives caught up with them again. This is the usual for them, and whereas some of their friends might call this boring, both of them just enjoyed it too much to really care about what other people said.

But, today, today is going to be a bit different.

Before they split, Sinhwa takes his girlfriend’s hand gently and presses his lips to the back of her hand, smiling up at her and his eyes crinkle into her favorite expression.

“Will you do me the honour of accompanying me to the Yule Ball this coming Christmas?” he asks, his voice soft so that no one would really hear what the content of this conversation was, though it probably wasn’t too hard to guess. Being the Head Boy, and a rather popular one due to his genuine kindness that he showed to everyone and anyone, meant that there was a fair share of rumours floating about. Whether true or untrue, it didn’t matter, but he knew for a fact that there were a handful drifting about of his not having asked Megan to the ball yet.

The Ravenclaw’s expression is one of surprise for a moment before it dissolves into one of immeasurable fondness as she grasps his hand more tightly in her own, their promise rings to each other clinking together ever so gently.

“Of course,” she replies, in a voice that’s even softer, gentler than he thinks he deserves with how overdue this question is. “It would be an honour to be your date to the Yule Ball.”

He smiles, and he thinks he understands what Seungyeon means now. It might’ve been easy to assume that they were to be going to the ball together, but it’s much nicer now that’s he’s confirmed it.

–

“Have you asked her yet?”

“No.”

“And why in the name of Merlin’s underpants have you not?”

“Did you just use Merlin’s underpants in a question –”

“Yes? That’s not important though?”

“I mean, it kind of is –”

“It’s less than a week until the fucking Yule Ball, Oh Saebom you dweeb, if you don’t ask her soon, Merlin help me I will castrate you if it’s the last thing I do!”

–

“I still can’t believe you were the first person out of everyone to ask,” Seungyeon sighs, having been watching all of his friends slowly gain their dates as Chanuk just stared blankly at his textbook.

“And I also can’t believe Saebom hyung is the last! This doesn’t make sense,” he shakes his head, glancing down at his paper that he’s writing for his Charms class. The professors have been increasing their workload in order to prepare their year for their OWLs – which is totally unfair, considering Christmas is just around the corner.

Chanuk glances up from where he’s chewing on the end of his quill, expression blank as always and he just shrugs.

“Saebom hyung is useless, have you not figured that out already?”

–

After much hounding from a certain tiny Gryffindor girl, he’s finally got his bearings in check to finally, finally gather up the courage to ask a certain prickly housemate of his to the Yule Ball.

Of course, the Yule Ball being the next day had absolutely nothing to do with it. He would deny that much until the grave – no, Saebom would take that secret with him to beyond the damn grave. Nadine would never let him live this down.

It wasn’t like he was nervous or anything.

Except he was. More than he had ever been before.

He had no idea why this was so nerve-wracking for him. He had fought with the Giant Squid, for Merlin’s sake, and he was fully planning on leading his Quidditch team to victory. He had dealt with so many things scarier than this, yet he couldn’t stop fiddling with his hair as he waited for a lavender-haired girl to enter the Slytherin common room.

Though, when Jessica finally steps through the entrance of the common room, he’s lost his train of thought. Especially since she plops down next to him immediately upon seeing him, and things like that always get him to forget what he was planning beforehand. They had become closer as of late, probably because he was no longer the target of her and Nadine’s pranks that he was being included in them more. And all the long Quidditch practices had required them to spend more time alone than with their friends, so it was inevitable that their friendship would flourish under these circumstances.

“What color dress are you wearing to the Yule Ball?” Saebom ends up asking her absentmindedly as a lull comes into their conversation, nudging her gently where she’s sat on the couch, legs slung over his.

Her expression is a curious one, albeit a bit of a confused one as she glances up from her copy of Magical Drafts and Potions where she’s rereading the uses and properties of the moonstone. They had been in a deep discussion on Potions just before this, and he realizes a bit belatedly that it’s a bit of a random jump in conversation topics.

“It’s like a burgundy – my dad sent it to me last week,” she answers him, flipping the page of her textbook and smoothing it down before she raises an eyebrow at him. “Why?”

He just shrugs, playing with a loose thread he had found on her ripped jeans. “I mean, we have to match – do you think I could charm my tie to be the same color?”

There’s a pause as he continues to play with the thread, twisting it in his fingers, and he doesn’t realize that she hasn’t actually answered him before she speaks again, her tone entirely confused as she nudges him with her foot. He notices now that she’s closed her book, setting it aside and he realizes that this means Real Serious Conversation immediately.

“Since when were we going to go to the ball together?”

This question catches him off guard entirely and his jaw drops slightly before he quickly runs their past conversation through his mind. It’s completely silent where they’re sitting, the expression on the younger Slytherin’s face adorably confused, before he realizes where he had went wrong and his eyes widen.

“… Oh hell, I forgot to ask you first,” Saebom whispers, reaching up to facepalm extremely hard before he changes expressions so fast, no one could have caught when he had gone from exasperated to serious.

“Will you be my date to the Yule Ball, Miss Nguyen?” he asks, extending his hand to her with a somber expression on his face – only to promptly yelp as she kicks him hard, flailing and his expression is now bewildered, laughter on the verge of appearing.

“Fuck you so hard in the ass for asking me so goddamn late, you fucking asshole,” Jessica huffs, arms crossed over her chest, her Potions book having fallen to the floor with a thud when she had kicked him earlier.

“What if I had said yes to someone else, you jerk –”

“But you didn’t –”

The older Slytherin watches her with wide eyes as he listens to all the muffled profanities she’s mumbling under her breath, catching bits and pieces like “– should say no, this asshole –” and “– I can’t fucking believe –” and “literally on the goddamn night before –” before he has to intervene, purposely pouting at her, going the cute route because he knew that was her weakness when it came to him.

“Is that a no?”

Silence.

“I’ll charm your tie for you, asshole.”

–

“Pay up.”

Seungyeon decides – as he watches everyone dance with their dates at the Yule Ball, well, Sinhwa and Megan are swaying on the dance floor, completely absorbed in each other’s presences, Arazely is sitting next to Chanuk as they drink punch together to cool off after they had jammed out too hard to the last song, Nadine and Euncheol are doing some weird intimate sort of dancing that he doesn’t want to pay too much attention to, and Jessica is chasing Saebom around the Great Hall for some comment on her height – that he’s never going to have a bet with Chanuk ever again.

[athleisure-aesthetic]

I did the thing again 💁🏽 I'll attempt to keep it brief. We know how much I struggle with that tho...

April 21 Friday was my first trip to bikram yoga, and I was very very nervous. I had never been to bikram yoga, and it would have been only my second official yoga class ever. The other class I had taken was with a friend at the studio near our school, and it was just a regular hot vinyasa class. That instructor made me feel very welcomed and very capable, and it was a way smaller class, so she actually came over and helped me with my poses. All I knew was that bikram was hotter than the regular hot class, it had a series of 26 poses that you cycled through, and that you sweat out like your whole body weight over the 75 minutes. Sweet.

Showed up like 3 minutes before (in shorts, btw, #nsv for me), and the room was packed, mostly full of people in shavasana. I had to squeeze in a spot by the heater (kill me) and it seemed to me like the class was 85% regulars. I would soon learn that my instinct was hella correct. We were asked who was new, and out of like literally 35-40 people, I was the only one. Thought that meant she could help me. Nope. We went through the breathing exercise and went off into the poses after a few minutes. I had already begun to feel a little lightheaded, but my fear of looking dumb focused me. I looked up and noticed my instructor didn't even do single pose. How am I supposed to know what to do, or the proper form?? She would talk, walk around, and actually scroll through her phone... like I know it's 5:30 on a Friday but you signed up for this shit. You don't get to do that. She also made a lot of inside jokes with the regulars, some whom I later believed to be other instructors, and like did not encourage modification. She was like I know you can push further, so do it. Like HOMIE that is not what you're supposed to do, especially if you're new!! She was very serious about no talking or making noise, so she only came over to the guy next to me who kept cursing when his grip would slip to help him modify.

Things I found out: A, you need like a legit swimming towel or actual full size yoga towel for this kind of yoga because I felt like I was drowning in sweat. I had to wring out my shirt and shorts when I left. B, you're pretty much on your own at this studio, even if it says "all levels." They were not helpful for new people. C, it's a great detox, if you can get past the fact that you may not be able to hold any of your poses because your body is so slick from sweat. My forearms ended up being sore for the next two days because of how much I was straining to hold onto my poses. D, you should not be alarmed by how much it sounds like snakes are in the room whenever you do an open-mouth exhale. I was for a lot of the class, and it was SO distracting because I thought it was funny. Some people go really hard. And I mean REALLY hard with the breathing.

I think the only reason I would go back would be to go with a friend, and definitely another instructor. Sorry, Robyn. I want a chick who gives a shit about my class. She did end on a funny song, though. +1 for you.

Spent the rest of the evening being productive, doing laundry and cleaning my room. It was a glorious Friday night.

Listening to: "I Want It That Way" by Backstreet Boys

April 22 It was supposed to rain all day Saturday, and I was anxious bc I had another long run. I really wanted to meet up with CFG again, though, so I forced myself out of bed, put on a hat and jacket, and hoped for the best. When I got to Dilworth, I coudln't find the group anywhere, and I waited until the last possible second, but decided the weather must've detered most people, or they left already, so I set out on my own. This 6.5 miles sucked so much more than last week's great 7 mile run. Maybe it was the weather or fatigue, but I just was not feeling the groove. I stopped for a hot second on Kelly Drive to breathe and to check out some of the statues and stuff. In hindsight, those pictures are very uneventful. At my halfway point, it started raining and I was like ughhhhhhh well at least I had that hat. This run felt so much harder than my last long run, and I wonder if it's just because my body's like YOU NEED TO CHILL OUT. At the last mile, though, I had a great few songs push me through, including Guns and Ships from Hamilton and What Do U Mean (I'm a sucker for Bieber). I finished around city hall, where there was an Earth Day protest going on. It's kinda cool that every weekend there are a lot of people around my city screaming about how much 45 sucks.

Later I got Snap pizza with friends and did not feel guilty about it whatsoever.

6.51 mi 10'17" min / mi

Listening to: "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus

April 23 Sunday was so much nicer out than Saturday, which was an excellent motivator to get me to FlyWheel. This was my second spin class, and first at FlyWheel. First impressions were amazing: you walk down the steps into like this pit, where they give you cycling shoes and there's a shop (I wanted everything even though I knew I wouldn't become an avid spinner bc $$, BUT EVERYTHING WAS SO CUTE). Then you find your bike in "the stadium" and wait until the staff is finished cleaning the bikes and putting out fresh towels to hop on. I got help from one of the staff, and thankfully this bike felt more comfortable than my first ride. Looking down, I saw these two pole things on the side of my bike, and a cool electronic torq tracker. I loved that you could opt into the torq board beforehand so you wouldn't be stressed about putting it in day-of. Suddenly, the lights went off and we were off. My instructor was super motivating and friendly, pushing us through a series of hills and sprints. I was happy that I had taken a spin class before, though, because I knew the positions when the she called them out. I admittedly signed up for her class specifically because on her profile she said she sang a cappella in her free time, so I was hoping she'd either A, have a great playlist, and / or B, sing throughout some of the songs lol. She started us out of "Wop" which I hadn't heard in like 6 years, so I was happy about that. On the penultimate song, she had us grab the bars next to our bikes and do an arms workout, which was surprisingly tough to focus on both the legs and arms at the same time. At the end I felt really good, definitely exhausted, but like I could go back the next day for sure. Absolutely one of my favorite workout classes I've ever taken. I see why people catch the bug now.

After class, I hung out at TJU for a bit before showering and going to Rittenhouse to hang out in the park. Since it was World Book Day, I bought both You Are a Badass (which is definitely going to change my life, if not give me some awesome quotes to live by) and Bossypants. I was feeling the energy. I was also thankful I brought my journal to the park, bc this one guy came up to me randomly and started hitting on me for like 10 minutes and I clearly did not want him there, so I wrote a whole bunch of pages about the entitlement of men and how some people must give off "please bother me" vibes. Overall great day, though, because I was happy I was getting back into writing.

Listening to: "Scream & Shout" by will.i.am. & Britney Spears

Also worked out yesterday, but I don't feel like writing about that rn. It was uneventful, other than my Nike Run Club app being annoying and not properly recording my treadmill tempo run. What's new. Today I'm giving myself my first full day off from working out in what feels like 2 months, so I'm very excited to not do anything. Also had a free bagel this morning because my work was giving them out. BLESSSSSSSS.

[sapphicfolksongs]

over 3 years ago i filled out this short lil survey because i was bored. this was before i started college, before i started “really” dating, before i knew what i was going to do with my life, before i made most of my current best friends, while i still lived at home... so forth and so on. my life is pretty different now so anyway, i thought it’d be fun to do a before and after sort of thing. for ma blog records. ya know.

(bold is first answer, three years ago; normal font is present.)

1. The meaning behind my URL

Makes sense if you’re in the DW fandom, i s'pose. Basically I just liked the way “bay” sounds like “babe,” you know, in a way, and Rose Tyler is a total babe… but the url was already taken so there are, alas, two l’s.

My blog used to have a DW focus and now it’s primarily t100. I sort of stopped watching DW after the 12th doctor arrived (but honestly I think I stopped mostly because I started college). I started watching t100 and just got obsessed so quickly. My URL now is a combination of “rebel” and “bellarke” (bc life) and I like how “rebellark” without the e in bellarke also kinda references the ark.

2. A picture of me

lol this is such an awk picture

here’s another for balance

those pictures were in my old house! that makes me so sad. also, notice how I’m repping my Boston University shirt pretty hard. surprise, surprise: didn’t end up going there. plot twist: glad I didn’t.

anyway, some updated selfies-

basically the same except i’ve adopted lipstick on special occasions and have discovered that eyebrows are a powerful secret weapon

3. Tattoos I have

nope none, probably will never have any either. needles freak me out and i get over things way too quickly. last thing i need is to hate this permanent design on my skin eh

same. like i’ve thought about it more, have actually made a pinterest board dedicated to possible ideas!! but i am still fickle. still afraid of needles. i like the idea more as i get older. would like to get one with my brother. i guess we’ll see.

4. Last time I cried and why

I got into UT! It was happy crying. I literally thought I wouldn’t be accepted; it’s one of the hardest (if not the hardest) state school to get into if you’re not in the top 7%, and I’m not. I literally had a breakdown. I don’t even know if I’m going, I was just thrilled that someone actually wanted me. You knowwww??  

this is so funny to me. i’m always glad i had that reaction because it was just... pure joy. relief. wonder. i never thought i’d get in. now i’ve just finished my third year there. i love it. it’s been crazy. it’s changed my life. it’s caused my unbelievable stress and tears at times but it’s also been arguably the best time of my life. 

anyway, on to the question - i cry a lot lmao. i don’t even remember what i last cried about or when. it was probably a combination of school stress + work stress + life stress (what am I doing, ya know?) + boy stress. it’s been like two-ish months since i got dumped but it’s still sorta lingering in my mind and it’s been rough. but i’m giving myself a break, letting myself breathe (letting my heart breathe, let’s be real) and letting myself feel. so tears are welcome. though i hate the build up of emotions to it [sigh]

5. Piercings I have

My ears. I don’t really like piercings all that much. I might like a cartilage or something. I also like belly-button piercings, but I don’t have the body for that, and ow, and lots of other things.

lol yeah same. i don’t even wear earrings so what’s the point

6. Favorite Band

At the moment, Bastille! Imagine Dragons is also a long time favorite of mine.

and then a year or two later I’d see both of those bands in concert!! that’s so cool. i’m so happy i got to see those bands with my friends (and now i am sighing dreamily at those concert posters in my room). anyway, these dudes will still be my faves for a long time coming. but recently i’ve really enjoyed listening to MAX. his songs are fucking bomb like i love all of them.

7. Biggest turn off(s)

Jerkiness. Rudeness. That really, REALLY bothers me most of anything.

i feel as if I remember answering this question and though of course most people hate “rudeness,” i didn’t have enough experience with dating really to know what i disliked. which is how i got where i am today. wonderful! lol. but no, i can safely say my biggest turn-off is not being listened to. when someone feels like they are the only person that matters or is interesting, and treats you as if you are not interesting. i am a human being - and an important one! - with a full, interesting, crazy life, and i deserve to be treated like i’m important by the people i associate myself with. and all other things that that entails. 

10. Biggest turn on(s)

Nice hair. I also really like guys with nice, uh, hips? Like thin and stuff you know? That sort of lean but a little muscular look. Idk that nineteen year old boy look. Sooo beautiful lolll. Also, sort of faux-hawk hair, it’s a bit of a fad but I’m starting to really like it. And long sleeved dress shirts rolled up to the elbow. And you know what- just overall polite guys. That’s really important and very attractive. Oh, and a sense of humor! Wow. This was a bit of a list.

nice smile and nice laugh. i love falling for someone and having their laugh stuck in your head, hearing it when you text them or when someone mentions their name. 

11. Age

Eighteen!

twenty-one.

12. Ideas of a perfect date

Fun & comfortable, and just a tad romantic :) I don’t know what, though. Anything spontaneous, wild- or calm. One or the other, no in between!

i would agree with 18 year old anna. something comfortable where i’m able to talk to the other person, without feeling like we’re on stage or too exposed. good conversation, easy laughs, experiencing something new. i love (and hate) revisiting places i went to on dates because they overflow with memories. good and bad. but i think making new memories like that is the best kind of date.

13. Life goal(s)

Be a writer! Published before I’m, eh, 25?

wtf anna. *sssiiiggghhh* little did I know that I would stop writing almost entirely once i got to college! idk why. it’s something i’ve struggled with immensely, my loss of “identity” as a writer. i will probably not be published by 25. not in the way i wanted, anyway. i did join the paper at college and had quite a few articles published but a book is far from the works for me.

my life goals would be to write creatively, though, in some format. if i can. if i still have the motivation and the drive... i want to be nice to myself. i would also like to be independent, and happy. 

15. Relationship status

In a relationship with a wonderful guy. Been just a little over 5 months now.

update on that relationship: we dated for a year and then i went to college. after a few months in college, i dated (a little.. like, a very little little) and ultimately regretted breaking up with aforementioned HS boyfriend. that spring break we met up and talked; he wanted to get back together, but i decided i wasn’t ready. we’ve talked probably only a few times since (it’s been like 2 years). i’m back in a stage where i’d like to try again. i think i needed to grow up and mature to really be ready to be in a relationship with him, and i think i’m there now. unfortunately he’s been dating a girl for like a year now, so that’s a no-go, and obv i’m no home wrecker (not intentionally anyway - long story!) but i think if there’s ever a time where he’s single and i’m single... i might try again. 

anyway, as i mentioned earlier, was recently dumped (by somebody else, unrelated) so i’m basically the most single i’ve been in a while. i’m sort of enjoying it but also kind of bored/anxious/fearful of being alone forever, etc etc, also quite afraid of another rejection and the whole process of getting to know someone and.. ugh dating is ugly and gross. anyway. i’m single. i’m so rambley. my apologies friends

16. Favorite movie

You know what movie I really liked, and will go on and on and on forever about? Wuthering Heights. I think it was the last one that was released, I’m not sure- but that shit was beautiful, man.

ah haha hahaha ha my favorite movie is pride and prejudice. it’s the only movie i can see several times and not get sick of. why am i such a predictable period drama lovin’ hoe

17. A fact about my life

I’m going to college to study English and/or Pyschology!

dropped english after a semester, fell in love with psych (i was a TA of sorts for this really popular Pysch 101 class with two really famous psych professors) but ultimately i decided to pursue elementary education. i’m about to start student teaching and i’ll be in a third grade classroom! 

18. Phobia

Cockroaches. Fire. Erm… Death and oblivion and the sort of unknown realm of things. Dark, sort of.

same ahahaha also, i’m afraid of a bad marriage? or no marriage at all. i’m afraid i’ll be afraid to be alone and end up in a bad marriage. i’ve got love and lost love and bad love on my mind lately. it’s like a phase or something

19. Middle name

MARIE. Such a boring name. I wish it’d been Belle or Bella so I could have been Anna Belle or Anna Bella. Or Annabelle or whatever…

it is the same and i hold the same thoughts in regard to my middle name as i did at 18 years old

[elliot-orion]

Im back on my shit yall ignore me

ive been really really frustrated bc after finishing the rewrite for ATDADT (which isnt even fully done btw it needs a ton of work and additions), work on the DHU has, very effectively, stopped dead in its tracks. And im very much like. ??? at first i thought it was just my brain being my brain and not wanting to focus on any one project, which totally is a part of it, but after a lot of thinking (cough, talking to my cat) I think ive figured out that its not. just that this time? bc it doesnt feel the same as it usually does you know? usually its very much like, brain fog, staring at the screen, writing tons of starts and not settling on something for a week, lots of playing on random sites being distracted. but guys its been a month since then. (3 weeks technically, same thing.) and its never lasted this long, excluding last summer when i burned myself out with nano. im not feeling burned out though, ive got all these ideas im actually really excited about! i just keep fizzling with them whenever i think of a plot to make them longer. Which is what got me thinking because the fizzling out the second i think of doing something longer all started when i decided on the big overarching thing i wanted to do for the DHU. And you know i was excited for that at first, but largely i was annoyed with myself bc it’d be a lot of work. like the first thing i said when i thought of it was “ugh this is going to take FOREVER.” and i keep killing my creativity bc i’m thinking “gotta save that to work on later ive got this stuff to do first.” Like holy shit i want to work on the dark elemental so fucking bad guys but i keep telling myself no. So like, i think this big overarching thing for the DHU is, in a way, ruining the DHU. But i also dont want to say fuck it and throw it out entirely you know? Bc that makes me sad, it’d have been so fucking cool you know? But then i remember, like, you dont need to go for publishing right out of college. It’s going to feel like it bc im a creative writing major and thats sort of the goal everyone will be working for, but i dont HAVE to. Ive got a career im working towards outside of that, getting a certificate in it and whatnot, and there’s no reason i need to dive immediately into publishing. i could work on the DHU for decades before i decide to put it out there. I’ve been putting unnecessary deadlines on myself, which always ALWAYS stiffles my creativity. Its why i was a bit worried about the creative writing major (its very different when its short stories, though, then i need a deadline and a prompt or its not happening. its why i can only write short things when given drabble prompts basically. Otherwise my mind goes way to big and expansive, but if you give me a hard, must be done in a week, must have this word length, and must be about this, i can focus enough to do it. Novels tho? the easiest way to stop me in my tracks) Like, literally, thinking of publishing and giving myself a deadline for that is what stopped me from working on Paper Stars, and i still ADORE that book and want to work on it, but i havent been able to go back bc of that. even if its 4 years, thats still enough to stop me. 

SO from now on im going to stop saying “im not thinking about publishing till after college,” im going to say “ill think about publishing when im ready, but im not yet.” It’s not going to be a “in four years thing” its a “whenever it feels right,” and thats what im going to focus on. im going to focus on writing what makes me happy and excited, because that’s how i get the best writing done, and im just going to stop taking pressure off myself.