#literally have gotten to the point in my life where I have anxiety dreams about them cause the parassocial is that strong askdjas

[lesbianphan]

Just like in phanfiction, in my nightmare today Phil straight up died

[whumpfish]

Reference: Psychogenic Fever

You've seen it in anime loads of times: the protagonist overexerts themselves or experiences a highly stressful event, and they dramatically collapse. The next thing you know, they're in bed with a cloth over their forehead and an ally informs the rest of us that they have a fever.

Well, it turns out that can actually happen.

If your immune system is already shot, and you experience acute levels of stress, your body will respond to those stress hormones the way it would normally respond to a virus. Your core heats up, and you develop a full-blown fever.

According to what information I was able to dig up, some patients can develop core temperatures of 41°C/105°F. I didn't apparently record mine when this was going on, but given the temperature dysregulation caused by the seroquel I take that prevents me from cooling off if I get hot and the reverse, and how hot literally anything I touched got, I was probably in that higher range.

The Progression:

I went to bed at around 1:45 a.m. I'd already been through so much stress with my grandfather's funeral, how my dad elected to process grief, and scrambling to get the SSI-D function report that had arrived in our mailbox when I was out of town returned on time, I had already crashed out earlier that day from the energy expenditure. Now, I have ME/CFS, and crashing out after exertion/stress is normal, so nothing stood out as a warning sign. If there was one, I dismissed it as my usual fatigue. I went to sleep.

I woke up about 2.5 hours later, experiencing sleep paralysis--presumably in lieu of a fever dream. When I woke up the rest of the way, I was sweating profusely and feeling about like I'd been mowing the lawn in 105° heat. I've done that, and collapsed from heat exhaustion from it, before. I was hotter at that moment than I had been back then.

I put a wrist to my forehead, and the sensation was like holding a hairdryer on high to my forehead at point-blank range. My pillow was just as hot, and no amount of flipping fixed that. (I should point out here that I normally run cold--ridiculously cold, sleep with the quilt up in the middle of a Texas summer cold--and this never happens unless I am very sick.)

I smelled like fever. Some people don't think you can smell fevers, but I was a sickly child and spent so much of my life in pediatricians' waiting rooms full of feverish children that after a while I noticed a particular smell unique to those environments. Since then, I've been able to accurately identify it elsewhere by that smell.

I was completely confused. I'd had to go into the grocery store without a mask earlier that day because I ran out, but even I don't present that quickly. It couldn't be from that. Some old geek part of me remembered Anime Fever, and on a hunch, I googled "can you give yourself a fever from stress?" And yes. Yes, you can.

I sat up, and when I touched the mattress where I had been sleeping with one hand, it felt like trying to pick a dish up out of the dishwasher immediately after it's through running. It was that hot.

The recommended treatment was anti-inflammatories and any relevant psych meds that can reduce anxiety, so I took 800mg of ibuprofen and an extra, small dose of seroquel. Then I took my clothes off and downed a few bottles of water, my usual trick for cooling down once I've gotten too hot, and sat on the foot of my bed to give my mattress time to cool down before getting back in bed to try to sleep.

The fever broke at around 6:15 a.m., and I was finally able to rotate back to the other side of my mattress and pillow, and go back to sleep. I slept until 1:20 p.m.

The Takeaway: This is a real phenomenon! Use it on your whumpees with poor immune systems, either naturally or broken down from their ordeal. It's no longer just an anime trope.

[please-let-me-be-horny]

The Good, the Bad and the Neutral in: Hide and Seek.

(The following story was requested by @decaffeinated-anxiety, and features a heavy focus on stalking)

Neutral Drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, anxiously gazing out the windshield towards the rapidly darkening sky. Besides him, Good was looking through the passenger side window, trying and failing to see anything in the back alleys behind the buildings they passed. It was getting later in the day and soon night will be falling. They really didn't have a lot of time to find him.

Bad had gotten out. And the last time he had gotten loose, he nearly killed someone.

"I honestly have no idea how I'm expected to trust you after this, how do you let something like this happen?!" Neutral was lacking his usual monotone, instead being replaced by obvious and audible stress and frustration. It was rare his emotions were so clear.

"oh once again this is my fault? Even if I had caught him sneaking out, how the fuck are you expecting me to stop him?" Good threw his arms up defensively as Neutral swung across and swatted at his arm frantically.

"Maybe if you weren't stoned to the gills all the time you'd have noticed him fucking leaving! Hell I didn't even find out he was missing until the fucking intern asked when he would be back! Fucking hell...." Neutral let out a frustrated sigh, slamming his fist into the steering wheel. "We're going to fucking prison if they catch him, you know that right?"

They continued to bicker amongst themselves for a while, the sun gradually dipping below the horizon and the street lights flickering into life, as the shadows cast by the buildings around them drew larger and darker. Even now as the two of them gazed out into the darkness, an ever growing sense of dread filled the pair of them.

"right...so he's probably on a hunt....we don't have to find him, we just have to find his food....ah, speak of the devil...." As he finished thinking out loud, he gave Good a nudge and pointed towards one of the alleys they were parked across the street from. A girl was leaving the rear of her shop, clearly locking up for the night. They watched as she placed ear buds into her ears, and pulled her hood up over her head.

"ok ok, this is promising....she's making an easy target of herself...and she doesn't appear to be with anyone...bingo. She is our carrot on a stick. We follow her, We find Bad." He turned to look at Good, who was simply nodding his head, attempting to process this information. Rolling his eyes, neutral grew impatient of waiting for Good to put the pieces together, and pulled the van away from the curb, begining to circle of the block so they could keep tabs on their bait.

"hood up means her peripheral vision is gonna be worse than normal. Listening to music means she isn't gonna hear anyone following behind her. She is literally Bads dream target." Neutral spoke slowly, intentionally dumbing things down for Good.

"I'm not talking to you, you're being an asshole." Good huffed, crossing his arms in a sulk as the pair of them continued to do laps of the block, circling her like sharks in bloodied waters. Neutral simply rolled his eyes and focused on their target.

She had only left the store a few minutes ago and was already getting the strange feeling she was being followed. It wasn't an uncommon feeling for her, especially since she had started taking late shifts. But this time it felt different. She had seen the same black van pass her multiple times. First pass. Second pass. Third pass. She could feel herself becoming more and more exposed by the moments. She waited for the van to round the corner ahead of her, before ducking into an alley and attempting to follow a different route to escape her potential pursuers.

Neutral and Good were still in grumpy silence when they rounded the corner on their fourth pass and noticed she had vanished.

"Where the fuck did she go?! What?!"

"Do you think she made us?"

"well I dunno about you but most women I know don't know how to turn into fucking smoke, get out and go check the alleyways out, I'll keep lapping the block and see where she pops up..."

Good jumped out the van with a huff, still annoyed at the tone Neutral was taking with him. He quickly crossed the road and entered into the alleyway, just in time to see a dark silhouette take off running around a corner. Fuck.

She heard the footsteps behind her as she ran, getting more and more lost in the maze of back streets and alleyways. It was dark. She couldn't see. And all she could hear was the sound of footsteps rapidly approaching behind her. She turned a corner. Then another. And another. She didn't know where she was anymore. Only that she was being chased. She turned another corner, running into something hard and falling to the floor.

Bad looked down at the girl who had just ran into him, scowling and frustrated that she hadn't seen him. Letting go of the now crushed and ruined groceries he was clutching to his chest, he let the mess of wet paper bags and crushed crisps fall to his feet as Good rounded the corner, clearly out of breath and struggling to stand up right.

"Sto-oh...OH! holy shit dude where did you go?!" Goods whole attitude changed the moment he saw Bad, jumping over the body of the girl he had just been chasing to bring his brother into a one sided and very affectionate hug. "god we've looking all over for you, man, Neutrals in the van pulling his finger nails out with worry." Bad pushed Good off if him, throwing him a glare and motioning to the mess of groceries in the floor, before reaching into his pocket and handing Good a handwritten shopping list. In Goods handwriting.

"oh...oh yeah I sent you to get snacks, didn't I?....man maybe neutral was right about how much I'm getting stoned lately..." Bad simply rolled his eyes, pushing Good to the side and focusing his attention on the girl Infront of him, before turning back towards Good, a confused look on his face.

"oh, yeah uh....sorry about that, chick, we thought our friend here was gonna...well we won't go into it. You ok?" Good lowered himself to the ground beside the girl, offering her a hand and helping her to her feet. "I uh....you aren't gonna hurt me then? You weren't....trying to kidnap me or rape me or murder me or anything?!" As she said this, Bad looked over her, glaring down into her eyes, still frustrated she had just demolished his groceries. Though he couldn't speak, Bad was quickly picking up on the slight differences and changes in her tone. Confusion. Disappointement. Anger. All very clear to him, but passing way over his brother's head.

"well, thing is my brother here was lost, and he has a habit for following pretty girls ho-" Bad gave Good a small sap to the chest, silencing him for a moment, before placing a hand in the girls shoulder and turning her to face him. Opening his phone, he scrolled through for a moment, before offering his phone to her. Turns out he had been following her after all. Just not today. She scrolled through multiple pictures of her, all taken candidly from various places in her store. She swallowed hard and flushed red for a moment, looking up into Bad's eyes, who simply held a finger up to his mouth, demanding her silence.

"so...you were....stalking me....but you weren't....chasing me? I'm sorry I'm just really confused, am I safe or not?" Once again, Bad picked up on the subtle hint of disappointment in her voice. Taking his phone from her, he reached down and took a gentle hold of her hand, gripping it firmly, before patting Good on the back. "Oh? Is she? Ok....she's coming too I guess....sorry dear, but you're coming with us... apparently"

Just for a moment, there was a flash of excitement in her eyes, that was quickly suppressed when Good produced the rag from his pocket and clamped it over her face. "sssh gotosleepgotosleeogotosleep"....

She woke up groggy a few hours later. She couldn't see. And her muscles in her shoulders and wrists were burning. As more and more of her senses returned to her, she realise she was blindfolded, and suspended by her wrists in some sort of binding. She let out a panicked whimper, thrashing her weakened body against her restraints and realising that she had also been stripped, feeling the cool breeze passing over her exposed body. She opened her mouth to scream, but as the noise started to escape from her lungs, fingers roughly enter her mouth, muffling her cries. The blindfold was removed.

Bad was standing Infront of her, along with Good and Neutral. Of the three of them, Bad looked the most excited behind his mask. Good looked like he'd just been told off by one of his teachers, and Neutral was in the process of cracking his knuckles in a repetitive pattern. The backs of his hands were raw and bleeding from where it looked like he'd been scratching himself.

Bad once again raises a finger to his lips, signaling for her silence, to which she feebly nodded, before Bad removed his fingers from her mouth. "I-i'm s-sorry, p-please..." She was silenced again as Bad stuffed his fingers back into her mouth. As she began to cry and sob around Bads finger tips, Neutral stepped forward and reached up, gently wiping the tears from her eyes with a handkerchief, before folding it neatly and placing it back into his jacket pocket. "So...we owe you an apology...we scared you and chased you when we didn't need to...we were afraid that Bad here was gonna come and hurt you and in the process of trying to avoid that, we got carried away....we're sorry..." Bad nodded approvingly of the apology, removing his fingers from the girls mouth and gesturing for her to speak.

She waited, confused for a moment, her eyes darting between the three of them, before finally landing on Bad. "So...so you stopped them from...well...." Bad simply nodded, before reaching up and begining to untie her binds. Letting her out of her restraints, he scooped her up into his arms, before carrying her back towards his room in the warehouse. "Th-thank you....thank you from saving me from those awful men..." Bad cooed softly, petting the back of her head as he closed the door behind them. Still naked, he lowered her into a bed, before nodding towards a neatly folded pile of clothes on the floor beside her. Her clothes. "W-wait! Why am I uh...why am I naked?..." She blushed deeply, attempting to cover up what she could as she spoke to the masked stranger.

Cocking his head to one side, he returned to the bed, sitting down beside her and once again opening up his phone, and showing her the reason why she had been stripped. Bad had taken his time with her unconscious body. There were lots of pictures of the pair of them together. Bad jerking off as she hung lifeless Infront of him. Drawing pictures in the cum that covered skin. There were even a few censored shots of what appeared to be other strangers coming to touch and grope her whilst she was dosed. Bad reached and arm over her shoulder and gave her an affectionate squeeze, before pointing to her groin and wagging a finger, suggesting that no one had actually penetrated her sexually. He had simply turned her into an exhibit. Something to show off. A trophy. He once again gave her head a soft and affectionate pat, before standing up and leaving her alone in his room, locking the door behind him.

She swallowed hard, taking a moment to process everything that was happening. After a short while, a smile began to spread on her face.

[kaylinalexanderbooks]

OC questionnaire

Thanks to @elsie-writes here, here, and here, @illarian-rambling here and here, @willtheweaver here, @ceph-the-ghost-writer here, and @mysticstarlightduck here!

I've somehow been tagged more than this somehow, but this post is so long I've decided to cut it off here.

Rules: answer the questions as an OC, then leave three new questions for the people you tag!

Past questionnaires: masterpost for round one

Tagging @mk-writes-stuff @elsie-writes @katwritesshit @rickie-the-storyteller @cherrybombfangirlwrites

+ ANYONE ELSE

TSP intro

TSP tag list (ask to be +/-): @thepeculiarbird @illarian-rambling @televisionjester @finchwrites

@nebula--nix @literarynecromancy @honeybewrites

I have done all TSP characters I can answer for. Everyone else is not important enough for me to leave a response. SOTL doesn't have enough yet.

Under the cut: Tyler, Gwen, Liam, Noelle, Akash, Robbie, Sam, Ewan

#1- Tyler

Who is the most memorable person you've ever seen? Why are they so memorable?

“One guy I met a few years ago, Anathi. He was interesting. A little, uh, repressed due to having never really interacted with anyone for three years. Um. He was an ultimate, but like way taller than average, so also physically memorable. Haven't seen him in years though. So, anyway, did you know the human mind can never forget a face? And it also can't make up one, either. So, if you see someone you don't know in your dream, you have to have seen them on the street at some point!”

What stresses you out most?

“Stupid and lazy and incompetent people in charge. Like, who gave that idiot so much power? A bigger idiot??? So an even bigger idiot has even more power. Awesome. Fantastic. It sucks.”

What is your favorite holiday?

“Halloween. It is fun to dress up as whatever I want. And plan a decent costume with makeup. It also pisses off Medina. And Dr. Asghar. Those are always fun.”

Other Tyler: questionnaire one, two truths and a lie

#2- Gwen

What is the most important thing someone can receive?

“Love, friendship, support, compassion.... I think I will go with support. Support in all areas of your life I find important.”

What was your favorite age of your life?

“I like being twelve. But I miss being six. When my grandfather would read to me.”

How do you like your coffee (or tea)?

“Preferably, not at the same time! Haha. ... Did I tell you about that? Yeah, I accidentally made my coffee with a tea bag. It...was surprising, for sure. Awful, but I couldn't stop drinking it. May make it intentionally again. I usually just take my coffee with sweet cream.”

Other Gwen: OC in three, OC in fifteen, picrew, kiss, two truths and a lie, questionnaire one, OC interview

#3- Liam

What's your go-to beverage?

“Water. And I'm not saying that to be boring. It's just objectively the best beverage. It keeps you healthy, hydrated. Why waste money on carbonated garbage? Everyone should be drinking water. It does nothing but help you. Except people who are allergic to water, but that is an incredibly rare condition.”

What's the stupidest argument you've ever gotten into?

“There is literally no such thing as a stupid argument. However, I did get punched in the face when I lectured this one kid about how landings didn't count as steps. Of course, they do, but I thought it would be funny if I tried to convince him they did not. Apparently I pissed him off.”

How do you act when you're over-tired?

“I become more easy to distract. Overwhelmed, maybe anxiety. More reserved. I also start noticing my mistakes more. I also keep thinking I'm sick. That's much better than some. Think about it: I could be yelling and screaming at everyone. I could become an evil dictator. But I don't. I just affect me, and in the end, that's much better.”

Other Liam: questionnaire one, interview

What would you do if you found someone's wallet and ID on the floor with no one in sight?

#4- Noelle

“I would look at the ID and figure out a way to give it back to the person who lost it. Depending on where I am, I'd give it to proper authorities. At school, the front office. Police if I'm out. If all else fails, I suppose I could ask Lexi to teleport me to them.”

Can you swim?

“Of course I can. It doesn't make sense not to learn. My mom taught me when I was really young.”

If you were an animal, what would you be?

“What a stupid hypothetical question. I'm not a shapeshifter. *Sigh* Okay, fine, I'll try. Um... Owls represent intelligence so maybe that? I think I'm smart. Wolves are loyal to their family. I'd call myself that.”

Other Noelle: OC in three, OC in fifteen, Picrew, Bingo, questionnaire one

#5- Akash

What is your idea of a romantic date?

“Oh, man. Everything! Dinner and a movie. Holding hands as we walk through an art exhibit. Strolling or hiking through nature. The classic stuff! That reminds me... I need to plan something for Gwen... A bit nervous to ask her out, to be honest, but Robbie says she won't mind what we do as long as we're together. I dunno, man, first dates seem so crucial to get right.”

Can you be trusted to keep a secret?

“Yes. [Pause] I mean, I've kept my own, so I'd completely understand, and would respect your wishes. But just so you know, I hate lying. Despite doing it. But I fixed it! So yes, I can, but I'll hate every second of it. Although it will not make me feel guilty like it was when it was mine! But uh... Don't ask me to keep it from Robbie... Y'know what? Don't tell me. Sorry.”

What is one thing that makes your blood boil?

“Well, uh... I hate not getting respect. It's not like I think I'm entitled to it, but... I do still want it. People with no compassion for each other, it... It pisses me off a little. I hate seeing it.”

Other Akash: OC in three, OC in fifteen, Picrew, kiss, questionnaire one, two truths and a lie

#6- Robbie

Which weirdly specific superpower would you prefer: ability to cook eggs in any manner and have them turn out perfectly, or ability to always recommend a piece of media someone else will enjoy?

“Eggs. Gonna be honest, I almost want the second one, but I can already do that! I have excellent tastes. Although maybe that is, like, a superpower or something and it would go away when I get the eggs power. Hm. Eggs because I genuinely also want to help my mom out in the kitchen. I mean, I can already make eggs, but I get overwhelmed most of the time, so I stick to scrambled just so I know I'm doing it right. So yeah, eggs. If my media powers go away, I don't care, because I'll still love my stupid cartoons.”

Most awkward conversation you've ever had?

“Oh, God. Why. Why must you make me remember this?? Sooo I had this playhouse I went to as a kid. One of my friends there was this girl Ava. We went to that playhouse for years! And one day, she came to my seventh grade play on The Secret Garden. I was hanging with Akash and another kid in the play, Bryan. Ava comes up to us after the play to congratulate me and say hi. And then I said, 'Bryan, let me introduce you to my old friend...' and then I blanked for a solid 17 seconds on her name. It was awful. I said, 'Ava' at the same time Akash did to cover for me. It was... So bad. I tried to pass it off as me being overly dramatic with a pause and that I wanted Akash to say her name at the same time. But. I think she knew.”

How accurate do you think your zodiac sign is?

“Apparently, I'm a Taurus. And according to Google... This is literally not me at all. Like, it says I'm super sensual and grounded. [Pause] Me. Sensual and grounded! What even?!”

Other Robbie: OC in fifteen, OC in three, Picrew, two truths and a lie, questionnaire one

#7- Sam

What is your favorite drink?

“Ooh, lemonade! I love lemonade!! I always wanted to have a lemonade stand actually. I like all kinds of lemonade. Canned or homemade or whatever!! I usually have a can after dance class.”

Do you know how to dance?

“I do! I'm in a class that I go to weekly! We do ballet and tap dancing. It's so fun! I could dance all day long!”

What would make you never forgive someone?

“I'm not sure. I like moving on and pretending the bad stuff didn't happen. But I guess... If a friend did something awful to another.”

Other Sam: questionnaire one

#8- Ewan

What is your favorite small nature item? Pinecones, rocks, leaves, seashells?

“I like rocks. I have a rock collection. I think it's pretty cool.”

Do you have a go-to or favorite idiom?

“Huh. I've literally never thought of this before. I guess I like 'cross the bridge when we get there.' It's kind of a mantra for me. Worrying about the future, y'know? I don't like waiting until we get there to cross the bridge. I want to be prepared to cross the bridge. At the same time... I'm bad at preparing cause I'm not proactive. So I use the idiom to get out of the stuff I don't want to do now. I have a complicated relationship with this idiom....”

What is your favorite fruit?

“No, don't make me choose!! I guess... Cantaloupe. You probably weren't expecting that.”

Other Ewan: questionnaire one, kiss

Your questions:

What's the last thing you replaced, and why did you have to replace it?

Where's a place you've been that you felt out of place?

Do you trust your instincts?

[inklyqueen]

Literally all the critics are so up in their egos

Also Spoiler warnings for the Mario movie because I'm crying and yk it's opening day I'm not that kind of bitch

I don't think many of them understand that they've got it made rn, and they've never experienced the world some of us are living in

And I don't mean it in a mental health sense or anything, I mean in an actual survival as an adult sense

I was literally surprised by how much I related to Mario specifically. He's the oldest. I'm the oldest of six (under a technicality, two of them are my dad's girlfriend's kids but yk). I'm sure his parents have preached that he needs to take care of and watch out for his younger brother (I'm assuming they're still twins in this universe, Mario was always the older twin in the games and other lore), and I've been preached that too. I'm the same way with my siblings as Mario is with Luigi. Throw trash at my sister, see that happens. "The more you fuck around, the more you're gonna find out." And at the end of the day, my parents will be only in my memories at some point, and all I'll have left is my siblings, granted if I never get married, have kids, etc (God willing I hope, not the point though) It seems to me that Mario is incredibly aware of that too, that one day they'll both be at an age where it's literally only him and Luigi and that they may literally be the only one the other has.

What also struck me was the set-up they showed with the boys. They still live with Mom and Dad, still in their childhood bedroom(s?), just trying to find their footing, I assume they want to be independent of their parents. They put their life savings into a commercial to get their company off the ground. I'm assuming they didn't have very much in the first place, especially from the speech their father gave about how "you can't just give up a steady job for a dream," and how Mario (at least specifically I'm assuming) can't hold down a job in the first place. How he's the one that's bringing Luigi down, as if Luigi can't make a decision for himself, and Mario's like his legal guardian or something. It very much seems to me that they've literally leaned on each other for almost everything more than their own parents, and that's screaming volumes for me.

I still live with my parents, and I get the same grief as well over how I haven't gotten it all figured out still. C*vid was zero help, I wasn't even a year out of high school when it hit, I was just starting college and things were not going very well. I'm just now figuring out my degree program, what I want, trying to get my career off the ground, and getting money back in the bank. I can't afford rent, God no, and I'm blessed to have a job that covers tuition now.

But it seems to me that critics don't understand that. For some reason they want this incredible fleshed-out character arc, plot and overreaching plot, Oscar and Emmy winning from day one piece, and besides the fact that this is technically intended for children, some of the ones I've read are literally making just under upper-to-upper class pay and lifestyles by being that judgemental. They don't have to worry about gas (or the electric bills if they have an electric car) in the tank or food on the table or making rent. One said that they "failed to give Mario a personality" (paraphrasing), when literally I'm seeing myself and my survival struggles in this short moustachioed plumber with older sibling anxiety.

Which, I'm pretty sure he's got a mild touch of GAD, or maybe that's me projecting. I'm not a licensed anything. Also added bonus points because I'm shorter than all of the siblings that are at an age to have actual height. One of my siblings is in high school rn and she's taller than me by a good eight inches. I'm six years older than her.

I'm literally out here doing the best I can with a $200 Insurance payment coming and $80 in the bank.

So yeah. Mario is a really good character.

So thankful for him.

[highwaytothedangerzone502]

Foxtrot Alpha Alpha - Chapter 13

Pairing: Hangman x Female OC

Word Count: 3066

Warnings: None

Summary: Hangman learned his lesson a long time ago to never show his true feelings when someone's words or actions hurt him. To do so showed weakness that could be exploited, and Seresin men couldn't show weakness. Of course, there was an exception to every rule, and Jake's always came in the form of women, three in particular: his mom, Juliette Kazansky, and the girl whose name he could no longer bring himself to speak. She was the girl that got away; she was his biggest 'what if' and his biggest regret; she would forever be the ghost that haunted his dreams. Jake believed that's where she'd stay, for he would surely never see her again after what he did.

Or so he thought.

Notes: This is the sequel to India Lima Yankee; I'm using the same callsign for the Female OC as in Ghost Story because I just really like it, but they are different characters; chapters in italics are flashbacks. Also, sorry it's taken so long - life has gotten in the way and I haven't had a chance to write as much :(

Chapter Songs: My Tears Ricochet Hits Different

****

Ghost

The storm raged through most of the night, and Ghost watched it for hours, unable to sleep. Despite her steady voice and relatively calm demeanor, Juliette's fainting freaked her out, and her anxiety took its time going down. It didn't help to have Hangman in the room next to her, so close yet so far, nor the knowledge that he still recognized her tells, although the chamomile had helped calm her nerves. 

Finally, around three a.m., Ghost fell into a light sleep, but nightmares plagued her dreams. Her conscience found particular pleasure in making her relive the accident over and over again. Ghost woke up from them each time, paralyzed in grief and with pain shooting throughout her limbs. The PTSD had lessened significantly since the accident, but certain events and people triggered small recurrences, and Jake 'Hangman' Seresin was a major factor. 

After a fitful night's sleep, Ghost forced herself up at eight and decided to head home. Switching out of the pajamas Juliette so kindly lent to her and back into her own clothes, Ghost shuffled into the hallway and down to the kitchen. Rooster moved surprisingly quietly, considering he'd received his callsign because of the God-awful hour he woke up at and his uncanny ability to make noise no matter how hard he tried not to.

"What are you going to make?" Ghost queried, peering over the counter. 

Rooster jumped, the pan he held flying out of his hand. He flailed about trying to catch it, but it ended up clattering loudly to the floor. He stared in dismay at the pan. "Well, so much for not waking anyone."

"Sorry, I thought you heard me come in," Ghost said sheepishly, picking up the cookware and handing it to him. 

Rooster snorted. "Please. No one hears you coming."

"Then you're not doing it right," Hangman's husky voice remarked. Despite the evident fact he'd literally rolled out of bed (or the couch) moments ago- judging by his annoyingly sexy bedhead and sleepy expression- he still managed to smirk cheekily at them. Ghost grabbed the pan from Rooster and bonked Hangman on the head. He rubbed it ruefully. "Joking, joking."

"No, you weren't," Rooster replied, taking the pan back from Ghost and setting it on the stove. "You two want breakfast?"

Ghost shook her head. "No, but thank you. I need to hurry home and shower before heading back out. Jackie's getting into town this morning for business, and I promised to meet her for a late breakfast before she has to go to her first meeting."

"Send Jackie my regards," Juliette said, waddling into the kitchen. "How is she?"

"Good. Looking forward to whatever deal she's trying to close this week. I'll drop in later to see how you're doing if you're free?"

"Of course. I'm not going anywhere today. I don't want Rooster prepping the nursery unsupervised-"

"I spilled paint one time," he protested, pointing firmly at her with the spatula. "And you're not helping me. Not with the pregnancy complications."

"We can debate this later. Ghost-" Juliette turned to her friend- "like I said, you're welcome to come by later."

"I appreciate it. I'll see you later then. Bye, y'all!" Waving at the group, Ghost hurried outside and hopped on her motorcycle. She sped toward her apartment, miraculously not coming across any cops. Otherwise, she certainly would've been pulled over for speeding. Taking a quick shower, drying her hair, and throwing on enough makeup to make herself presentable, Ghost darted back out the door and hopped onto her motorcycle, speeding like the Devil himself was after her and narrowly arriving at the coffee shop on time. Jackie strutted in hardly a minute later and hugged her little sister tightly, exclaiming quietly, "Oh, it's so good to see you!"

"You too! Good flight?"

"Yeah, yeah, long but good," Jackie said, pulling away and moving to the line to order coffee. "Were you waiting long for me?"

"Oh yeah, I got here ten minutes ago," Ghost lied, unable to help herself from an opportunity to mess with her big sister.

Jackie didn't fall for it. "Really? Because I swear I saw your motorcycle go blasting past me, like, a minute before I got here."

"Don't know what you're talking about. You must've imagined it."

"Uh-huh, yeah, that's what happened," Jackie replied, clearly not believing Ghost. The cheeky grin on her face probably gave it away. "So, what do you want? It's on me."

Knowing better than to argue, nor was she willing to pass up a free drink, Ghost answered. The sisters waited for their orders and, once received, maneuvered to a booth. Jackie faced the door, one of the few people Ghost trusted to do so. Their mother had taught them to always sit facing the door so they knew when and if danger approached.

"How have you been? What's been going on?" Ghost inquired, taking a sip of her tea.

Jackie shrugged. "Mainly work. Heath and I are going to Spain in a few months for our five-year anniversary. He's been dying to go back since college," she said. "What about you? How have you been now that Jake's back in the picture?"

"He's only back temporarily, and I try to avoid him as much as possible, which has turned out to be pretty difficult," Ghost replied in annoyance, going into detail about all the instances she had to be around him, including crashing at the Bradshaw's last night. "He's super close to Juliette, which I never knew. She hardly spoke about him last time we talked, so while I knew they were friendly, I didn't know they were best friends."

"You okay with it?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, that used to be you, and you still love him. Don't-" Jackie pointed a firm finger at her sister- "try to convince me otherwise."

"Even if you're wrong?"

"You mean right?"

"I said what I said, and for the record, I'm okay with it as long as he doesn't hurt her like he did me. I doubt Rooster would let him get away with it if he did, though. I don't know what to think of Jake anymore because he clearly cares for Juliette, but when she passed out yesterday, I offered to Jake to come with us to the hospital because I figured he'd want to be there for her, but no, he declined and offered to watch the dogs instead. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad someone watched Raptor and Lightning because they're Juliette's kids, canine or not, but still, I find it weird he didn't want to be with her when for all we knew, she was in critical condition."

"Why did she pass out?!"

"Something called preeclampsia. They're monitoring it to make sure it doesn't get worse, but she's okay for now. Scared the hell out of us when it happened."

"I'm glad she's okay. Send her my regards next time you see her. Do you think Jake has something against hospitals? First, he didn't see you when you were in it, now Jules."

"No. I mean, he saw Ghoul before she passed, so I don't know what the hell his problem is. He never told me."

Jackie raised an eyebrow. "Did you give him a chance to?"

"He had multiple opportunities to reach out, and he didn't until after the hearing when he knew I didn't blame him for the accident. So, no, I don't think he has a problem with hospitals."

"Have you talked to him at all since you've been here? And I'm talking civilly, not giving him sarcasm."

"A couple of times, and very briefly." Ghost dove into the story of Jake's dad's failing health, his brother being on the lam for the embezzlement, the concern of Kyle joining him, and Kyle's refusal to stop calling her. "I haven't blocked his number, so if he leaves an incriminating voicemail, I can get a restraining order if need be."

"Be careful with him," Jackie warned, eyes narrowing. "I don't like his obsession with you."

"Don't worry. California may have strict gun laws, but I always have some sort of weapon on me, and if I can't have my gun on me, then I have my knives. And yes, that's plural."

Jackie's expression contorted into confusion. "Why do you carry multiple knives?"

"Because if I'm ever attacked, and they disarm me with the first one, the last thing they're going to expect is for me to whip out a second one."

"You know what, good point. I might start doing that." Her gaze flickered over Ghost's shoulder. "Did you tell Hangman where you were going this morning?"

"I said I was getting coffee with you, but not where." Ghost narrowed her eyes at her sister. "Why?"

"You still apparently think alike because he just walked in."

Ghost whirled around, hoping it would be a lookalike of Hangman, but no, it was most definitely him. She faced her sister. "Why? Why is my life like this? This only happens in love stories, which is so not what this is."

"Or maybe it's God telling you it is, and you're refusing to see the signs. Maybe I'll help God out."

"Don you da-"

"Jake!" Jackie hollered out. Judging by the bright smile on her face, he must've heard her. She waved him over.

Ghost groaned and hissed, "I'm going to kill you."

"You can thank me at your wedding when you marry him. Here he comes. Look alive."

"If that's a pun on my callsign-"

"Hello, ladies," Hangman greeted with his signature smirk, his eyes flitting over to Ghost. She noticed a flicker of hesitance in them, along with an unspoken apology, as if he understood this was all Jackie's doing and none of hers.

Jackie stood up and hugged him. "It's so good to see you! If I didn't have to leave soon, I'd invite you to join us."

"I know better than to intrude on girl time," Hangman said, holding his hands up. "Juliette, Penny, and Phoenix taught me that."

"It's not a problem if we invite you to join us."

"I have a feeling it's more like you're inviting me. Don't think Ghost is keen to have her sister-time interrupted," Hangman said, shooting the younger Blackwood a small understanding smile.

"Well, too bad because it's been years since I've seen you. What are you doing tomorrow?"

"The Daggers and I have an air demonstration show, and then we're hanging out at the Hard Deck."

"Oh, shit, I completely forgot about that!" Ghost exclaimed, squeezing her eyes shut. "What time is it?"

"It starts at ten." An unidentified emotion flashed in his eyes. "You participating?"

"Only as a spectator."

"Ah. Jackie, you're welcome to watch the show. I can get you tickets. You can join us at the bar afterward, too, if you're not busy."

"Oh, count me in. I love hanging out with the pilots."

"That why you married one?"

Jackie chuckled. "He knows I married him for his plane."

"I can feel the love. Well, listen, I'll leave you be. Jackie, hope to see you tomorrow night. Ghost, I'll see you around." Hugging the elder Blackwood goodbye and rubbing Ghost's shoulder affectionately after a moment's hesitation, Hangman exited the coffee shop. Jackie sat down with a triumphant smile on her face, causing her sister to ask about it.

"Because I learned something in those few minutes," Jackie said. 

"Which was?" Ghost prodded.

"That he is one-hundred percent, prime time, still in love with you." She took a big swig of her coffee. "Just like I've always believed."

"Can I see your drink for a second?" Ghost asked, reaching over and taking it from her sister before she could respond. She took a sniff and swiftly handed it back.

Jackie stared at her sister in annoyance. "What the hell was that for?"

"I was trying to smell if there was alcohol in your drink because that's the only plausible explanation for your outlandish and downright absurd opinion."

"Jake was never shy around girls. The only time I've ever seen him get flustered is around you."

"I'm calling bullshit, and if you didn't have to leave, I'd go through the list of why," Ghost said, standing up and throwing on her jacket. She watched Jackie finish her drink and toss it in the trash can. "I'm going to assume you're coming tomorrow?"

"Like you even have to ask that. Are we good for dinner tonight? I was going to invite Jake but thought you might actually strangle me for that."

"You're not wrong." Ghost walked outside with Jackie, stopping at her sister's rental car. She ran a hand through her hair and sighed. Jackie noticed and asked what was wrong in genuine concern. In a moment of weakness, Ghost confessed, "You were right about me still loving Jake. I do. I always have and probably always will, and honestly? It hurts to be around him because all I want to do is go back to being the friends we were, and I can tell he wants that too, but then I think of how he treated me and behaved after the accident, and it just brings back the pain, and I don't want to go through that again. I lost two friends that day."

Jackie hugged her sister sympathetically. "I understand it's hard, especially because you've never been an open person, but-" Jackie pulled away- "I mean this as gently as possible, you can't wholly blame him for the situation you two are in. You could've confronted him sooner, but you didn't. Maybe now is the time to figure it out."

"Why are you suddenly being logical?" Ghost asked with a defeated pout.

"I have my moments. I want you to be happy, and I noticed you've never been as happy without Jake in your life. I'll see you later?"

"Yeah, see you at home." Ghost watched her sister pull out of the parking lot before straddling her motorcycle and driving back to her apartment. Once there, she headed to the living room, where all her guitars hung on display. Ghost beelined for the oldest one on there; it had sat on its wall perch for years, only touched when she had to pack it to move, but something about it called to her at the moment. Grabbing it, she headed to her armchair and set up her phone, purposefully moving the camera down so her face wasn't visible and using a filter to blur the background. Ghost played a few chords, deciding what to play first, but one song kept coming back to her. It deviated from her typical taste of upbeat country, being more indie than anything else, but it came closest to how she felt. Ghost started strumming the chords to "My Tears Ricochet" and pouring all her bottled emotions into it. Singing had become her escape, her way of releasing her feelings because she'd never been good at expressing them. She'd always viewed emotions as a way to be exploited and only allowed a handful of people to see her as anything other than calm and happy. Her parents, sister, Juliette, and Rooster were those people. Hangman used to be one of those, and then the accident happened, and they handled it differently. Ghost spiraled into a depression over losing Ghoul, blaming herself for the accident, and Hangman was nowhere to be seen to help her through the grief like she thought he would. Maybe Ghost should've given him a chance to explain all those years ago? But why did she have to be the one to initiate it? 

Knots formed in her throat during multiple parts of the song, but she pushed through, believing she could get through it without her voice breaking even a little. That was true until she sang: And I can go anywhere I want. Anywhere I want, just not home. 

That's what hurt the most when her friendship ended with Hangman; he'd been her go-to person, the friend she called up first whenever something good or bad happened, the friend that she could always count on during the good and the bad; losing him left a gaping, ragged hole in her heart when it all ended, a hole she'd never been able to fill. It'd been years, and Hangman was still the first person Ghost thought of calling whenever something happened- good or bad- and it took over two years for her to realize why: he'd been her home. She never had trouble leaving anywhere or anyone, only him. Even now, although Ghost hated being around Jake, she didn't want him to go, maybe because she foolishly thought they could work all this out, make it water under the bridge. She'd have to face him for that, though, and Ghost wasn't ready for that. Truthfully, she feared his answer to her question, no matter how many people told her that he loved her. If he had or did love her, why did he leave her alone like he did?

When Ghost finished the song, she stopped the recording and went on Instagram, but her thumb hovered over the post button. What if Hangman saw it? What if he realized she had sung the song about him?

"How would he know?" Ghost mumbled to herself, shaking her head. "It's not like he can see my face or any distinguishing features, and this isn't the only blue guitar in existence. Besides, he doesn't know this account exists. It'll be fine..."

Convincing herself otherwise, Ghost hit the 'post' button and tossed her phone haphazardly onto the couch, as many girls did when they texted or posted something they considered risky. She stood to hang her guitar back on the wall only to be stopped by the incessant buzzing of her phone, alerting her to an incoming call. 

Shit, shit, shit... Scrunching her face up into one of pure reluctance, Ghost carefully flipped her phone over and sighed in relief when she saw the name on the screen. Picking up, Ghost answered, "Morning, Cyclone, to what do I owe this pleasure?"

"I have a mission for you. How soon can you meet me at my office?"

"Give me fifteen minutes. I'll see you shortly, sir." Ghost hung up and grabbed her keys, wondering what this so-called mission could be.

****

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[monkeydluffykingofthepirates]

I have a lot of thoughts about Sanji having anxiety and here they are

FIRST of all the kid spent his childhood being abused and treated like crap by his FAMILY. Arguably the ones who are supposed to love you unconditionally and other than his mother and maybe his sister sometimes he didn’t get that.

He hears footsteps coming down the hall? It could be his brothers or Judge coming to beat him or make fun of him he doesn’t know but he has to be ready just in case it is

Next he literally has to run away from these people so he doesn’t die and the man who saves his life Zeff his new and improved father figure SACRIFICES his leg and his DREAM to save him even though he already didn’t think he was worth saving because!! He’s an anxious and sad little guy!! Now he’s constantly worried he won’t be enough or he’s not doing enough to pay Zeff back even when he’s literally doing everything in his power he can to pay him back.

at this point the boy has picked up a smoking habit you know why?? Soothes the worry and gives him something to focus on. He can use that to focus his anxious mind into planning things. Same thing with cooking he uses it as a way to neutralize his anxiety. It’s repetitive and he can turn his brain off and make those dishes he’s really familiar and comfortable with or use his planning skills to make new and improved dishes. It gives his brain something other than worry to deal with.

He also is worried his food won’t be good enough for the first little while so he practices again and again and only when he’s mastered being a chef does he have the confidence he deserves to have and tells everyone he’s the best because he knows he is. I think having something to do with his hands keeps his brain occupied a lot more than anything else

AND THEN his new family, his nakama, his crew get their asses handed to them a bunch of times in a row!! Alabasta where they almost lost Luffy, Skypeia where they all almost died and so did all the sky people and everyone else, then Thriller Bark where Zoro almost died and he tried to get himself killed because he thinks he’s replaceable and worth the least on the crew, then Water 7 where Robin and Ussop literally LEAVE THEM and he’s watching everything fall apart. He’s worried about Ussop and Robin of course but also the rest of the crew and their new friends! Iceberg and the GalleyLaw guys. Then they have the fight the whole world and the government to get Robin back at Enies Lobby and poor Sanji watches his captain almost die, Robin almost die when she finally figures out she wants to live, and at this point they can’t catch a break!

When they finally get to Sabaody and they think they’re off to Fishman Island and then he watches everyone get separated I think that would trigger his anxiety so bad. Not just that but he’s stuck on an island dealing with his own insecurities and prejudices (I hate that Oda didn’t write him learning and growing from that experience but that’s another post entirely) and he can’t escape. When he learns that Ace dies and Luffy was there he is so worried and upset and probably scared for the captain and anxious that he can’t be there for him to help however he can. He knows how much Ace meant to Luffy and he’s helpless and powerless to help his captain.

All these things are enough to give anyone anxiety but my personal opinion is that Sanji has a lot going on up in his head and he tries not to show it or say it out loud but the guy has ten plans and backup plans ready to go and has gotten them out of some pretty tight spots just by thinking ahead and worrying about those things and then acting on his worry. My man is anxious and that’s okay. Post time skip I think he’s a lot better but then when Whole Cake Island comes along we see some PTSD come along my poor baby Sanji

I may add to this list I have a lot of thoughts

[devybear99]

Blessing vs Lesson

Thousands of people enter our lives. Most just passing by, some just acquaintances in certain scenarios. Others making some kind of an impact or influencing your life to some degree. It bewilders me how one person can just enter your life from stage left and just sweep you off your feet. On the other hand, some people who you thought were so much more and impacted your life are sadly just a learning lesson. Everyone who comes into your life and makes any kind of difference are either a blessing or lesson. I've had my experiences where someone who was once a significant part of my life is now not even in it. For a long time I thought he was a blessing.. ultimately though after reflecting on the past and healing I realized it was quite the opposite. I learned several lessons from him, such as healthy boundaries. Self love. Self respect. Knowing what qualities I truly want out of my partner. I've always been optimistic about love. Love is SO powerful and I believe with my entire heart if you're in love (both ways) you can make it through anything. Something many people do not understand is that there is a major difference when loving someone vs being IN love with someone. It took me a very long time to really decipher the difference.. but having that understanding was what led me to realizing no matter what I did, we weren't gonna work. I could give it my all but he was not in love with me. Due to that simple fact it was a uphill battle I was never going to win. Though I consider him and that experience a valuable lesson in my love life, I consider it a blessing as well. If things didn't go the way they did.. I would never have met you. You.. take the breath away from me. You make my worst days okay, and the good days seem like a dream come true. You make me smile, internally with my heart too. You're so sweet and understanding. You make me feel safe, and most importantly you make me feel loved. We haven't gotten to that point where we say I love you.. but that doesn't mean the feeling isn't there. Due to social standards and me not wanting to scare you away I definitely am not saying it yet, I'll be patient for you. Being the first one to say "I love you" is scary to a degree. The timing of it is difficult cause you don't necessarily know where your partner is at with their feelings. I had a conversation with a close friend and I had asked her when she thinks it's the right time to tell someone you love them. She said something that really stuck out to me: Regardless of whether or not you say "I love you" you are still feeling it. The only thing that changed is now you are trying not to say it simply due to the fear of scaring them away. The moment I realized I loved you was when I was having negative/anxious feelings about us (due to past trauma coming up) and I brought my feelings to you and expressed the fear/anxiety I had. The way you reassured me spoke VOLUMES. It touched my heart, I felt so seen, so understood and so loved. I have never once experienced the kind of reassurance/love you gave to me right then and there. Your conviction did not once waiver.. you did something that someone who I had been involved with for years could not accomplish even once. Maybe cause he didn't have the level of care you possess, I don't know. However, what I do know is that this is the kind of love I have been YEARNING for, for so damn long. I will literally do anything to protect it and keep our relationship beautiful. I have cut off close to 10 people because they disrespected the relationship we're building. The past can remain in the past, however if someone flirts with me AFTER I tell them I am with someone, or in another instance try to sneakily get with me KNOWING I am in a relationship is absolutely disgusting to me. You are worth fighting for; I'll cut anyone off who doesn't serve us without a second thought. Real friends wouldn't be disrespectful like that. I'll cherish you for the rest of my life for as long as I live. I will continue to love you and your beautiful soul in the afterlife as well. You are my blessing.

[weirdohippiefreaky]

(dictating so it’s going to be all over the place ) OK, I had finally gotten a match on bumble. It’s a woman named Barbara from the country of Georgia. She actually swiped right on me because the first American man she dated was also a deadhead. And she seems to have liked the whole scene. It really seemed like she was interested… But, turns out she’s still hung up on this guy. Pretty annoying considering I met her on a freaking dating website and win you get as few matches or responses as I do and you have as much anxiety as I do it makes it even more annoying because now again, I’m not talking to anybody.

i’ve been having a lot of anxiety ridden dreams at night. Last night I dreamt that Bridget and I were taking a trip somewhere together. We randomly ran into Spencer flowers. Spencer looked like a teenager, though, because I haven’t actually seen him in 30 years. I don’t think we saw him very long, but shortly after that, Bridget began hanging out with these two random men and at one point, she comes back to me and says something about she doesn’t wanna hang around me anymore and she’s gonna go be friends with these guys instead and then just kind of walks away, leaving me alone in the room wherever we were. I tried to tagalong, but I was stopped at the door being told that I didn’t have an appointment and they did. I have a feeling that the main source of my anxiety about people ditching me really came from when I was in Farham. Specifically, the first year I was there. now, I have always had anxiety that people didn’t like. And that’s probably because a lot of the time they didn’t. I like to believe it was only because of my anxiety which made things awkward and weird sometimes. But, I think it did the most number on my head. (at least it’s left me with the greatest impression) the way, my so-called friends at Farm literally never included me with almost anything. no one ever thought to invite me when they left for dinner at the café. no one ever knocked at my door to see how I was doing, or just hang out in my room. Sara, of course was the absolute worst with this. I really had a tough time excepting that she really was indifferent to me and it’s yet again another example of how my life would’ve been so much better if I had a drivers license. I was just thinking today as I was driving back from Walmart about how I could possibly have less anxiety if I had gotten a drivers license as a teenager instead of in my early 20s. I was just remembering all of the really awkward situations that I had to put myself in in order to get a ride places specifically with my mother or Sara. And it’s really weird that this random woman I haven’t seen in like well over two decades could have such an effect on my anxiety. but it was of course, that time when she said she would give me a ride from her parents house back to Fareham and this is after she had already reneged on driving me to her parents house I end up getting a ride with my buddy Jack, and then taking a train from Richmond to Philadelphia. but she said she would give me a ride back. So on the day before I was supposed to go over. It was a Saturday night. I called her to make sure everything was still going as planned. She told me on the phone in a very nonchalant way. Oh yeah I’m leaving tomorrow morning. This is always bothered me. I guess because it is the most straightforward example of indifference that I had always feared people had toward me. I guess Sara was just the type of person who didn’t know how to NOT make it totally obvious that she just did not care at all. like it’s seriously didn’t occur to her to apologize at all.

The other part of my dream was, I was going on like a vacation with my family, including my mother. This is one of the few dreams where my mother appears, but it’s not strange that she’s alive. Usually, when she appears in my dreams at night I know that she supposed to be deceased, but for some reason she’s still alive. I theorized that’s because to me she’ll always be in my head. Apparently my sister has the exact same dream. It’s just that mom is somehow just still alive and has just been hiding or just has gone away for a long time but now she’s back and all seems so oddly normal. my sons were there too, but all I remember is that it was in some kind of cabin that was mobile. But it was attached to this lake roller coaster kind of track at some point. The only other thing I really remember is us packing up to go home and my dad who looked a lot younger said he was gonna drive us home but first thing he needed to do was get a six pack of beer… Which alarmed me because, you know, he doesn’t drink. So I said that I would drive instead. The only other thing I remember is gathering up my brothers, my Father’s and my glass bowls. They all appeared to be unused, but I rushed to put them away, so my mother did not see them.

nat call me the other day and he actually just got out of two months of rehab for alcohol addiction. As a result, he’s not coming to the rock lake trip in a couple of weeks. Which I’m totally bummed about. I was looking forward to hanging out with them, he really is a good friend. He was always cool. He was never a dick. Never tried to really make fun of me or put me down anyway. I feel bad that I’ve used to talk trash about him when I was a teenager. That was 30 years ago, but still, I feel bad about it.

 oh yeah, I started talking to Kristan again. She had a kidney infection and it drew me back in. We’ve talked a few times since, but I don’t really feel the need to talk to her as of now. She really fucking hurt me and it still gives me anxiety. I’m still bothered that Carly Jane so coldly said she never wanted to see me again after what I thought was a great date and we had spent like 2-3 weeks chatting daily laughing and getting along great. Oy oh well, what are you gonna do?



[ugh154628]

"She's so obsessed." Yet the result of me talking about this so much now is because of someone else already BEING obsessed with me. Do you not understand how fucking discomforting and life changing that is? Do you not understand how bad being stalked can be on a person? Do you not understand how bad this can consume the person experiencing it?

This has been my life for six years now. It's impact my mental state worse than anything in my life, my physical health due to that, having no appetite dropping to 105 pounds, my anxiety skyrocketing and making me puke a lot, my disgestion system screwing up from the stress constantly, my friendships and relationships in general, my career, my dreams, my motivation to do literally fucking anything, and drive not being capable of enjoying anything anymore, pretty much everything fucking important to me wnd to an individual and human being in general.

They continuously and intentionally taint every little thing that has to do with me and just about everything that is supposed to make me happy; my hobbies, friendships, pretty much every little aspect of my life unique to me, and even not unique to me with a bad theme some way. And they do it on fucking purpose. They literally admit to it being one of their primary goals to ruin me on top of it all and they mock me for my upset.

The only thing they haven't tainted is me sleeping I think, when I even can and when I'm not having fucking insomnia which worsened so bad since all this started years ago. So I guess they took my sleep from me too, nevermind, but at least my body forcefully crashes so I can sometimes. What they do can't override a human being's limits so that's cool. Good for fucking me I guess. But even then I'm to the point I don't want to fucking wake up from sleeping when I can. It's nothing to do with suicide either. It's just about being unconscious and in a place where they can't reach you and your thoughts about the situation can't either. That is where I want to be, as much as I can. Being unconscious and dreaming is the only escape and when I say that I fucking mean it.

Staying home works better than being out too, but even then I can't escape the thought of all of this when I'm awake. I can't stress enough that the thought of people being this obsessed with hating me, constantly violating every little thing about me to the point nothing makes me feel happy anymore, scaring you and then always wondering when the day will come that they try to hurt me physically or completely ruin me somehow to the point I actually have to disappear and start over somewhere else....it's fucking awful. Having to deal with this weighing down my thoughts every day, never feeling safe, always being ready to defend yourself against pure harassment and serious lies, it's fucking awful dude.

I feel like it has already gotten to the point of it being reasonable to disappear and start over, but at least I can still have a job. At least the defamation hasn't reached my career yet but then its like, I'm always worrying about if and when that will ultimately happen. Then I have to wonder when will the day come they take that away from me too from the defamation or even just from my declining health, too. When will the point come that I can't make any money to feed myself or buy a house or open a business. There would be nothing to live for and I'm so fucking scared of that happening. So many things revolving around this situation haunt me every day. Not only could they ruin me themselves, but they directly ruin my mental state doing what they do to the point that I don't want to die but I do just want to sleep and stay home. And they KNOW this and just Amp it all up more and more each passing day. I make it clear over and over again that what they do harms ans scares me, I have directly said this to them a few times, and they don't let up. They just get fucking worse every time.

I just want to stay home in my room and be myself where no one can hurt me like this anymore. Or have a chance at hurting me physically. Where no one can misunderstand me for what I have been going through and hurt me from there reactions either. I want to sleep and I don't want to leave my house. I know I need to leave sometimes but my subconscious fighting against me not to and its so fucking confusing. It's like I just want to hide and to isolate so I don't risk being hurt anymore than I already have, but I also need to survive. It's like stay in the house, don't survive; leave the house, don't survive either. Because not only do I have to deal with them extremely harassing me across social media and intentionally trying to follow me around to my favorite places even private property, I also have to deal with some people around me hurting me with their responses to this situation, minimizing, saying shit like "just ignore it" and not being able to grasp how horrible this has really been for me and that it shouldn't be ignore. I want to stay home so I can't have a chance at dealing with that kind of misunderstanding anymore because it stings bad every time and/or being betrayed by others in ways because of that misunderstanding that make t all worse. So many people really do not understand the real definition of stalking, are extremely unaware about it, the facts about it, and moreover, it's impact on the people experiencing it. I feel so alone, and then the more alone I feel, the less safe I feel. There is too much to consider in all of this and I am so fucking tired. And I have to leave my house to survive no matter how much just doing that by itself weighs me down.

But I know I can't just hide in here where it's safe all the time. I have do what I have to do because life is not stopping for this, but its a fight every fucking day that just keeps getting harder. Any being out in public or interacting with others outside of work has me on high alert all the time, like just from being in public places or even private property that isn't my house where I know I'm the safest I can be tires the fuck out of me emotionally, mentally, and ultimately physically. Just being out is tiring to the point everything I used to enjoy shows, concerts, hiking with friends, do not and probably never will feel the same. I am fucking exhausted and something so simple and normal for everyone else exhausts me within seconds and I hate it so much. I miss being energetic and social. I miss not being too tired to do my makeup and dress up. I miss playing my instruments and drawing without this fucked up shit causing a huge creativity block and lack of motivation. Not even music and art saves me from this. I miss not feeling like I had to sleep so much. I miss not having insomnia in between sleeping a ton and then crashing hard and losing entire days from it and repeat. And I miss not feeling being tired and paralyzed by all of this when I'm awake. I miss the person I was before dealing with stalking and harassment, and I don't know if I will ever be the same again. Especially if it doesn't stop, and even if it miraculously did, I already know healing is not gping to be fast or easy and it's going consume another five years of my life probably. I hate it here. I truly hate it here and I wish it would all just stop. I wish I didn't have to constantly be on guard and defend myself against straight up torment and the lies surrounding it. I just want to live my life the way everyone else gets to but I feel like that will never happen. I feel stuck and like since not enough people understand what's really going on here, the obselete laws surrounding stalking and harassment, there will never be justice. Not in my lifetime anyways, and it's really fucking sad to think about. I just want to sleep. At least I can feel content there.

I always feel like I need to be ready to fight or flight when I'm not staying isolated and the mental/emotional this has had for years now is exactly what is doing it. Even going to work is getting harder. It's getting harder to peel myself out of bed for anything, even on my days off when I'm supposed to have fun. Because I already know I'm not actually have fun. I'm just going to have my head on a swivel and exhausted by any social interaction even if its supposed to be a positive one. It's getting harder to avoid resorting to indefinitely hiding in my room to escape all of this. It's getting harder and harder to ignore all this and keep my shit together anymore. Everything in me just wants me to run away from it all and any possibility of this fucking situation following me wherever I go, but thay's not me and I know they would probably just find and I can't spend my whole life running arpund different places to avoid them. No matter what route I take it's all less than satisfactory or completely awful. There is no ideal path. The best path there is which isn't even a good one is voicing my story to at least release some of the constantly accumulating weight from all this and to maybe get it all to stop, but I am not hopeful about the latter whatsoever. So at least I can release it somewhere. I don't enjoy this. I don't fucking want to do this and make posts here. But it seems like this is all I can do and what I have to do to save the last bits of myself they haven't destroyed.

I just wish I didn't keep having to to do it over and over. I wish it would just stop. This has been the worst experience of my life. It completely changed me as a person and I am scared I will never come back from it. I am scared it will never stop in general and all of this will just keep getting worse and I will never be able to get away or heal from it. And that I will just keep crumbling more and more.

So yeah, no shit I'm going to talk about it and yeah I am probably not going to be fucking nice about it either. This outlet is my last fucking resort to making it all stop and to have a chance of ever returning to a normal life and no being damaged beyond repair by this. But I mostly want to tell my side of the story to at the very least release all of it because its been consuming me so bad for so long. Bottling it up only sent me down hill faster and I wish more people understood that. But I also wish it could stop before its too late. I just want to live the rest of my young years happy and free. Without evil and insane people obessing over me, stalking me, psychologically tormenting me on the deepest most evil level any human could, trying to cancel and defame me om the daily, hoovering me, hawking every little thing I do and trying to take it away from me, seperate me from any support system by discrediting me for my past mental issues and panic attacks, and overall suffocating the ever living fuck out of me every day.

You are literally trying to fucking kill me, dude. You have said it, you have said you want me dead and that you won't ever leave me alone until I am and that you will never stop. You fucking said it plenty of times and you're so unbelievably fucked in the head for saying that about anyone. For aiming to hurt anyone as strategically and horribly as you do and implicating you want them dead on top of that. You only get worse and worse and I can't fucking take it anymore.

Well congrats, you took over half a decade from me, half a decade of me being in constant fight or flight fearing for my future and my fucking life. And you're still taking more. And you can consider yourself taking another five years frok me even if this stopped because thats probably how long it will take to heal well enough to function close to how I used before this. So even if it did stop, I still have years of trying to recover and even then, there is no undoing all the damage. Good job. You did it. And still you fucking stop. Because you're pure evil and the most disgusting, covert sociopath on this planet.

I won't stop talking about this and every single little fucking detail of the TRUTH until it stops. I probably won't even stop talkimg about it for a good while even if it did stop because I need to release this and its going to take me a long fucking time to get it all out of my system. Also if the conclusion worked out in my favor I 10/10 plan on using my experiences to advocate for victims and advocate for better stalking laws. To show so many other silent people they aren't alone, they can be heard and are heard, and that it can stop. I will use myself as an example because I am telling you right now this story is complex and unlike anything I have ever heard of. And it needs to be talked about for a lot of reasons whether it stops or not. I also won't stop talking about it until it ceases, and I get justice for having this many years of my life stolen from me by a seriously evil and sadistic person. Actually MULTIPLE people now. For the most part, I won't shut up until I have emptied it from my mind and body, until it stops continuously flooding me and I don't keep overflowing, and not until I get justice.

But as of now I am the least bit hopeful about justice. I have so much self doubt for so many reasons, mainly how other people respond to my reactions, the court system sucking, and overall so much minimizing and misunderstanding because a lot of people.have yet to learn about the depths of situations like this. I really hope this isn't how it's going to he forever, but I feel so stuck and that I will always be stuck. I just want to live my life and fulfill my dreams without having to pay mind to all of this but at the same time, I will never back down from people stepping on me like this and I feel lole.this is one of those things where I absolutely need to stand up for myself. So I will not sit here and take it in silence. I will keep defending myself. As tired as I am, I am going to keep fighting because backing down from injustice is not and never will be me. No one can take that key character trait from me. You can destroy me hard in every other way possible, but I can and will keep my head far enough above the water you're trying to down me to fight back. One thing you will never take to me is my will to speak out and fight against injustice and evil fucking people like you, whether I'm the victim or not. I might be scared of you pulling some snake shit and ambushing me in public places, but that's not going to stop me from speaking out and using my voice when necessary. You implying that you want to hurt and that you want me dead has a lot to do with why I'm getting loud too because when it comes down to it, I refuse to let you fly under the radar and get away with going that far. And whether other people see it or not, whether you have directly said it or not. You being this crazy and obsessed with me says everything about that being a strong possibility.

I will not let myself be vunerable in silence. I will not let you kill my soul completely either. Not that part and not ever. You can take everything from me but you will never take my voice.

[tinylittlecubby]

I just had the WEIRDEST fucking dream about jj like?????????????????

Okay it was tied into another dream cause thats how dreams work but that part isn't important (I will say that someone was wearing 2 bags of frozen vegetables like they were dresses and yes there were still vegetables in the bags and yes they did get in trouble) but anyway!!! It changes to some brawl in the parking lot of someone's business and everyone needs to get the fuck out (but it was like a bunch of children and some adults I do not know why I was there or any other of the adults. I think the kids were trying to do some legit property damage so the adults were trying to stop them?) So jj (in a tesla for some reason I feel like THAT was unrealistic) drives me and him away from the scene but bro this nigga was SPEEDING!!!! Like got the attention of the police speeding. Like two other cars did aggressive u turns to avoid him speeding!! I literally started hyperventilating cause I HATE when people speed (specifically men, women scare me less when they speed in a car so my reaction is realistic) I tell jj to pull into a busy mall parking lot so we blend in with the rest of the cars and that somehow works. We are now just sitting in the car and I start talking about our relationship (didnt know we were involved but we roll) and I said "I'm scared you're going to hurt me" (yo I FELT SO for real vulnerable saying that in the dream it felt so real im never dating irl I woke up pissed off) and HE GOT POUTY AND UPSET 😡 he said "oh because we are getting more serious you are getting worried about these things" (first of all bitch! I have clinical paranoia issues and anxiety okay I've done been worried about this and 2 I can feel however I want to feel at any point in time and 3 you LITCHERALLY just out ran the police okay I do NOT find that hot its only hot when I do it,its irresponsible when other people do it. Unfortunately I did not say any of this in the dream.) What I said in response was essentially that "im not worried about you hurting me with your hands or words -even though fucking high key his reaction fucking pissed me off which is a type of hurt but I digress- which only leaves one type of you hurting me left and that is physically losing you. Like you dying" and then we started talking about it and he tried to break the tension by making a comment that I wont write here because I feel like its a comment that I shouldn't even be dreaming about (its enough im dreaming about the nigga but im not trying to read his life like that either) and during this i saw my older sister in the parking lot with her friends????? And then she saw me????? And then she came over and was like "haha ******* is with a guy romantically!" And honestly to that I say based,she was valid in that reaction cause outside of this dream thats never going to happen intentionally!! I will make sure of that!! But yeah thats pretty much where the dream ends but it was weird as fuck and whats sticking out to me is how pouty he got when I was vulnerable I felt like saying "fuck you!! I'm out" I was absolutely anticipating him being like "omg honey what have I done for you to think that oh no nono" but instead I had to pivot. I know in real life I would've gotten out the car and been like "yknow what bye boi im walking home have fun speeding in your iPad car" but I felt feelings for him???? Fucking gross. Not gross cause of who he is,he is an extremely attractive man in real life and I would most likely,like 98% break most of my rules for him in real life BUT it was just so antithetical to his public persona his reaction (but then again I dont know the man so it could've been actually spot on) honestly the first red flag that it was evil jj was the speeding away from the police,don't think he would do that irl. Anyway anyway anyway this is what you get when you stay up all night listening to the podcast amongstotherthingsthatilegallycannotdisclose

[peachyfnaf]

18 whole years, huh?

18 whole years of existing on this shitty planet filled with shitty things and shitty people.

18 whole years of existing on this beautiful planet filled with wonderful things and beautiful people.

i am.

terrified.

i don't like my birthday. i hate it, actually. not only does it mark a point in time every year where i have to be around the ""family"" that i don't really care about or even like; but to me, the passage of time is a terrifying- if not the most terrifying thing- and now i'm an adult. gags. i am an adult in the eyes of society. i am a person who can own a house on their own, get any job, start a family, have kids.

that is terrifying.

i feel like i haven't really changed much since i turned 15. i mean, i've gotten more mature, that's a fact. but i feel just as unprepared to grow up now as i was then. i don't know how to drive. i don't know how to do taxes. i've never had a job. i literally got my first debit card like a month ago and i've still yet to use it.

so yeah i'm fucking scared!!!!! i feel like the second i take a step out into "adulting" i'm going to blow up from lasers in the sky shooting me down!!!!!!!!!!

but. (yes there's a "but", bare with me)

but, i still want to do it.

i want to grow up. i want to get a stable enough income doing art where i'm able to get out of this fucking house and move in with someone i love. i want to cut off all the horrible people in my life, and get away from them. i want to be able to walk around my own house without having to mask. i want to be able to fill up the walls with anime posters and buy merch of all my hyperfixations without being scolded for "wasting money" or "acting like a child".

and now, i'm one step closer to being able to do that, just because i was able to convince myself to survive this long.

am i gonna do all that right away?? oh-ho-hooo hell no. i still have no fucking clue what im doing, and i don't even have the option to yet cause. mr. krabs voice. money.

BUT. but, it's actually possible now. it's not just the dreams and ideals of some scared little girl wishing she could be anywhere but here. it's something i can actually do, if i bust my ass to do it.

and if you've happened to read this far, first off, tf you doing here? second off, thank you. thanks for acknowledging i exist, on this app full of millions of people, that you downloaded on this planet of 8 billion people. i appreciate you more than you know.

i am also going to use this yap and ramble and hide this wayyy at the bottom, so that i can be less worried n embarrassed about it being seen, but i've made a lot of friends in the past year the sams fandom that i never expected to make. some of them were literally people i idolized, and now we chat in discord dm's all the time. i still can't wrap my head around it.

if you see your name here, know that in some way shape or form, you've made me smile when i thought about your existence. some of you i know pretty well, and some of you i wish i could get to know more, but im a pissbaby with anxiety who cant initiate conversation fjkhsdf

drew. star. mothy. creesa. juno. sunny. dana. ceph. ken. sam.

polaris. alex. haven.

(those last 3 are separated because they're the names of people who i've actually stopped crying before over cause they said hi to me or some shit dfjkhsdf)

and THERE'S PROBABLY A LOT MORE PEOPLE I'M MISSING BECAUSE WRITING THIS OUT MADE ME TEAR UP SO NOW MY MINDS A BOWL OF SOUP. BUT IF WE'RE FRIENDS AND YOUR NAMES NOT ON HERE IT'S NOT BC I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU, IT'S BECAUSE I'M A DUMBASS DFSJKHSDF

aaand this is long enough, dear lord.

so yeah. i'm 18, i'm scared, but i'm alive, and i love my friends. and i think that's pretty neat.

let's see if i can reblog this post again when i turn 19 with some good news, yeah?

yeah.

(and yes, future me, in case we forget we did actually draw a celebratory piece this year. yippee to us.)

okaysoitisntactuallymybirthdayuntillike40minutesfromnowbutimgoingtobedso

Today is the day I first escaped the cold, cruel clutches of the First Spinjitzu Master and I've been making it EVERYONE'S problem ever since!!! I have no intent of stopping, either, I assure you. <3<3<3

[daphnedauphinoise]

how to stop being addicted to self help contents ?

This is a very valid question and something I struggled with until a while ago. The bottom line is you need to just go out and live life. If you are out living life, you are not mindlessly consuming self-help content. A lot of self-help content is bullshit. It really is just a way to be insecure about things that dont require any of that. I have found that you can't wean yourself off self-help, the promise of a better life is so sweet. Not as nearly as sweet as living a better life so in my opinion, it has to be a cold clean cut away from self-help. At some point you actually have do the routines you have made, check the check lists you have made and all those vision boards.

Why are you consuming self help? Usually it is one of these things:

Your life is shit and you have no clue on how to fix it

You are avoiding fixing your life because lets be honest, work is hard so you rather just keep searching for your magic fix

You are deeply afraid of moving past your shitty current situation because now you have gotten used to it and you do not think yourself as deserving of the life you want. You are scared of the brigh future you can have.

Believe it or not but all of these things are fixable. Those of you who are afraid of the good things in life need to do some soul searching and weed out the root of your misfortunes. If you are avoiding the hard work, then you are doomed. If you are group number one, I will come back to you.

One of my friends has a habit of telling us that anxiety is the stupidest man made concept and I used to look at her weirdly until I finally understood what she meant. She wasn't targeting those with diagnosed anxiety, our friend group knows first hand how delibatating anixety can be. What she means is a lot of our concepts we have about self, we come up with ourselves and those concepts are our downfall. I used to have this horrible notion that I was incapable and i was worth much, guess where my life was? Once I started respecting myself more and flipped that narrative my life has changed so much. Until a couple of months ago I used to go around saying ' i have such bad anxiety', it was an excuse as much as it was a justification. As soon as uni started again and I have been forced to interact, guess whose life has been better? I am not saying my social anxiety has gone but my mental health has improved dramatically. I no longer say I have that anxiety anymore eventhough I do, I dont let that hold me back. Just because I have it, I dont let myself become a victim to it. The things I thought I couldn't do, I do now; all it took was a new outlook and a new mindset. Things do get exponentially better when you actually leave your front door and tackle your problems head on. From my own experience, the more I have labeled myself as an 'anxious' person, the worse my anxiety has gotten. I did a chart and everything and I saw that there was a direct correlation to what I was perpetuating and then how I was feeling and then consequently acting.

Here is how self-help went wrong: people see self-help as the end goal. Making the visualisation board is not the end goal. Making a visualisation board is the start of your journey. I have a board right infront of me now and everyday I wakeup and I look at it and promise myself that I will do something today that will bring me one step closer to one of those pictures. A lot of people who are into manifesting hate actually doing the work but I need you remember Law of Action is literally a universal law. You cannot manifest a schoalarship, if you never apply. You won't meet your billionaire boo if you are at home day in day out. The time to start your journey to your dream life is actually right now! Literally RIGHT NOW. Stop giving yourself excuses and do that 10 minutes of whatever you need to do today. You need to be confrontational with yourself and you need to have self-discipline.

All the girls I know who have had shitty upbringings and me personally, are where we are because we dream hard and work hard. I have seen people leave the wildest pasts behind and move onto the bigger and better. From being abdandoned by her parents to golfing every week and currently she is planning her skiing getaway. I have seen people using their losing deck and win at life. They all work hard. Their work ethic and their dedication to their purpose is a commonality they all share.

daphne xox

[kyberphilosopher]

Reverse Flash

A backwards version of your favorite speedster comes searching for Barry, only to find you instead. 

Word Count: 2403 Warnings: Crude Humor. Not proof read yet because I’m too tired. 

As per my latest fics, the gender of the reader is not specified. 

.✫*���･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

Barry was always nice to you.

Well, Barry was nice to everyone. I mean, his parents named him Barry. He was set up for a life of cheekiness before he was even born. But Barry was nice to you even after ‘the incident’. Barry was nice to you when everyone else stopped. On top of that, Barry was being nicer to you than usual lately.

Probably because he and Iris were having a rough spot.

That was the only annoying thing. Barry liked you, and he was interested in you, but you were still second place. He was just using you. He wouldn’t marry you, or feel a deep longing for you. He’d just take you on ice skating rink dates in the winter and give you the best Valentine’s day of your life every year. Which is everyone’s dream, you guess, but it wouldn’t have been genuine, no matter what Barry managed to convince himself.

Barry’s little support team seemed to be on the same page as you (which was a first), which both added to and subdued your aggravation. All of them were in agreement of the simple fact: you were no good for Barry. Mr. Flash was the only one who didn’t seem to get the memo.

In the very beginning, things weren’t like how they were now. Team Flash or whatever the name was considered you good colleague, and they trusted you because Allen trusted you. You had been friends with Barry longer than anyone else there. And of course you were smart, and you handled annoying journalists and incriminating footage like it was nothing. But then you’d suggested using lethal force to subdue one of the Flash’s biggest problems. That’s when the air changed. That’s when people decided you should not now, not ever go on a date with him. It would throw off the whole rhythm of the team, probably Barry’s morals and possible the timeline. Lucky you.

Though flat out rejecting Barry might make it worse. You had been irritable lately. Maybe a little more sarcastic than normal. What if you snap, and then the team snaps too? And sweet little Barry is too kind to tell you off? God, you knew you were the worst, but the thought alone seemed like more than just ‘the worst’. It was like a tornado of stinky shit just barreling toward you, somehow simultaneously faster than the speed of light and slower than a turtle filled with rocks for organs.

And it was all definitely Barry Allen’s fault.

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

So, that’s why you’re here now. Stuck with watching Headquarters while all the speedsters go out and... speed. Who knows. You’re out of the loop with the whole... speed demon thing. You’re pretty sure they have a group chat without you. Fuckin’ nerds.

Your legs are stretched out to the desk in front of you. They cross over each other at the ankles, to the left of the big computer monitor that’s supposed to display the heartbeats of the team but is instead displaying something from cartoon network. A near empty bag of Chinese food sits at your side, it’s contents littered across the table.

As you chew, you look around the room. Several suits in display cases curve against the wall in a half circle, illuminated by blue light. Some are burgundy, some are silver, and some are golden. And you could smash every single one of them right now.

But you won’t, and you don’t. Not to say it isn’t tempting- it is. You still don’t touch the suits. 

God, what’s been wrong with you recently? Barry was your friend, and yet you’d been so annoyed with him. His flirting had only made it worse. Wally wasn’t any better. He got even more annoying once thinking about how childish, yet powerful he was. All the Kid Flash’s were just temporary brats that never stayed, whether you  liked them or not. And Iris wasn’t a fan of you. That was fine, because you weren’t exactly a friend of Iris’s either. So the most important part of your life that literally depended on superhuman existence and stopping crime was teetering because of pure social discomfort. Typical.

You’re watching the screen that serves as the closest light in the room as you shovel the next bite of rice between your lips. Neon colors make the shadows across your face feel alive and electric. It makes the glow in your eyes more prominent, encouraged by the childish nature of the media. You’ve just finished a snarky personal comment and given yourself another bite of rice when he appears to you.

He looks like Barry. The only difference is that he’s the complete opposite.

Instead of scarlet, his speed suit is yellow with red and dark grey accents. They remind you of blood lightning at the seams. Even under his half mask, he seems so familiar but so much more defined than your friend. As he exits the slice of colorful air and thunder, the heels of his shoes skidding across the floor, the red glow in his eyes settles into a calmer thrum.

And you’re still frozen in place, eyes wide as you still yourself mid chew.

The yellow speedster settles his orbs on you. They’re intelligent, and in the reflection of the little light in the room you can see they’re not red, but blue. And you? You’re just a deer in the headlights. 

“Aw, you’re not Barry,” he groans in disappointment, standing straighter as his arms cross over his chest. 

You finally continue your chewing, keeping your wide eyes on the intruder. Then you swallow it down. In your chest, your heart thump, thump, thumps with something. Fear? Not quite. Anxiety? Almost. It’s something else. Something more... intuitive. And the way this man looks at you makes you think that he can hear it, even from where he stands. That he knows.

“Uh... no?”

The man responds not a millisecond after you’ve gotten the words out. “Where is he? Where’s Barry Allen?”

Woof. His voice is throaty and laced with sarcasm, even though he’s clearly deathly serious. But the vibrations send a funny spasm straight to that little place between your legs, making the nerves in your spine dance with alertness. Arousal. Barry was never able to do that, let alone with just the sound of his voice.  

“Doing something?” you decide. “I don’t know.”

The golden man cocks his head to the side, almost smirks, and takes a step forward. “Hey, I know you.” His arms uncross. One raises and bends to point at you. “You’re Barry’s tech support. I remember reading about you in his museum.”

Your brows furrow. Hurriedly, you clear the take-out box from your lap and begin wiping your mouth with the back of your hand. You drop your legs from their position on the desk to their normal position on the floor, knees bent. “Uh... I beg your pardon?”

“Yeah... Y/N L/N. Now I see it.” The man leans back on his heels and looks around the room. The red glow in his orbs burn away completely so it’s just him. “Ah, so this must be before you defected, huh? Interesting.”

“Pardon?!” you call again. Now you’re sitting forward, disbelief across your face. 

Golden speedster smiles. It looks evilly distorted, even though it’s just a normal smile. It curves his face sarcastically. His hands fly upwards as if in surrender. “Don’t shoot the messenger, Y/N. You know actually, you’re kind of a villain in my time. This is nice for me.”

“Great, I’ll tell Barry when I see him,” you bite.

“Thank you, sweetheart. Now how about you tell me where Barry is before I erase you from existence.”

“I don’t know,” you repeat as the quick bolt of fear fizzles from your system. Your eyes trail down to his chest for just a quick second, but it’s quick enough to observe yet another difference between your familiar scarlet speedster and him. The circle surrounding the lightning bolt on his chest is facing the opposite direction, red, and that circle is filled with black. It’s as if he were the complete opposite of Barry. A reverse Barry. 

“Yeah you do. Come on.”

You blink once, still in your roll-y chair. 

You’re not sure what to do here. On one hand, this guy radiates pure evil. You should really alert Barry or one of the other members of Team Flash. But for one reason or another you’ve made no attempt to. You’ve got no clue who this dude is other than the fact that he seems more inclined to rip the fabric of time apart than anyone else. There’s no doubt in your mind he really will erase you from existence if you make one wrong move. But what’s the wrong move?

On the other hand, Team Flash has been a bunch of dickhead’s to you. Barry has been ironically slow to the whole thing. Would it be so bad if you did make a wrong move? Not for you, but for your friends? They’d all die, wouldn’t they? This yellow one would end them, and then what? Would it really be so horrible for you? You can’t imagine mourning much.

“I don’t,” you say again, slowly. “They’re in the city. I don’t know where.”

The man seems to think for a moment, cocking his head back so the light behind the glass cases catches his sharpened features. “Hmm.”

Without even blinking, now he’s in front of you. So close, you can smell him. It’s not terribly strong, it’s just masculine. But it’s also flowery, with a dash of sweat from running. And then there’s something more. Something... metallic? 

Both his hands clutch the arms of the chair beside you, trapping you as you lean back reflexively. “Did you know that I killed Barry’s childhood best friend before he was born?” the man says lowly. 

On instinct, you prepare yourself to say, ‘Barry doesn’t have a childhood best friend’. Then you realize why. 

He continues. “Would you tell me where Barry was if you did know?”

You don’t even think about it. You’re true to your nature. “I don’t know, would I?”

Blip! You wait to burst into a cloud of nothingness. To never have been born or even get to be a ghost. But fifteen seconds later you’re still alive. And from the way Barry talks about being a Flash, fifteen seconds is a long time for someone of that caliber. 

The man is back by the cases of suits now. You can see his muscles through his suit. They’re more defined than Barry’s, thank God. 

“I think you would. But it’s gonna be hard to do that when you’ve got my fingers vibrating into your skull.”

“What?”

“It’s going to be hard to speak when my fingers are inside you.”

You cup a hand against your ear. “Huh?”

“I said-” The man stops. His eyes narrow, arms crossing over his chest once more. “Oh, I see.” A short, dry- but genuine- laugh falls from his throat. “Very funny. Very, very funny.”

Suddenly, your eyebrows crease together in confusion. You place both palms on the arms of the chair for leverage as you push yourself into a stand, as if stirred by some great, important purpose. “Wait. Did you say you were going to stick your fingers inside me?”

“I knew you and I were the same,” he drawls. He sounds entertained. As if in his eyes, missing Barry and meeting you instead was the best outcome he could’ve hoped for. 

“Can’t you just...” Your shoulders slump as you glance around. “Just kill Barry and get on with it?”

“Aw, no. This is far more interesting.”

“Fingers in my skull...?” you whisper, half to yourself. Then you look up to him with a snap. “You are so weird,” you tell Reverse Barry, emphasizing it with a low point. “So weird.”

“Want me to tell your future?” 

Again with the voice and the nerves in that special place. 

“I gotta say, it’s kind of disturbing,” the man smirks. “You’ll love it.”

“Weird.”

Across the base, just two hallways away, something clicks. It’s a familiar click. It’s the click of the door opening. 

Quickly, you glance backwards, then lean down to pause the show on the computer. You hadn’t even realized it was still going. Once that’s done, the man is still standing in front of you. That sinister and yet innocent grin is still dancing across his face, though his steely eyes are totally locked on you. 

“What, weirdo? You know where he is now. Aren’t you gonna go get him?”

“You want me to so badly, don’t you?” Reverse Barry whispers. You just give him a look. 

“I’ll be back for you.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

And then the speedster is gone. Right on time, too, cause Barry jogs into the room not a second later. 

“Y/N?”

“Yeah?” you turn around. 

“Did I just... see someone here?” Barry points towards your end of the room in his scarlet suit. Huh. Reverse Barry was taller too. 

“What are you on about?” you throw casually. “Nobody’s been here but me since you left.”

“Are you sure?” the Flash keeps pushing. You hate it. Pushing. 

“Yes, Barry,” you roll your eyes. “I’m sure. Oh, by the way, Barry. Did you have a childhood best friend?”

Barry frowns. “No, why?”

You smile to yourself as you turn back away from him. The other speedster’s footsteps are coming closer and closer. You can hear them echo off the walls. 

“No reason,” you answer with a smirk just as one of them enters the room, probably to give you crap again.

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

Fun fact, Reverse Flash is actually my favorite villain in DC comics. Bro is vicious in the comics. I just hate all the live action versions of him we get. Lego DC Villains Reverse Flash and Injustice 2 are the best versions. Injustice 2 is my personal preference. I’d like to do more with this but, who knows. Depends how this is received. #lol

[the-insomniac-emporium]

Crimson Ties (Bela Dimitrescu/Reader, Soulmate AU) Pt. 1

Fandom: Resident Evil: Village Rating: T for language and mild medical drama Warnings: Brief depictions of medical treatments for blood loss and its symptoms Genre: Hurt + comfort Summary: Bela has always wondered who her soulmate was, the person she was connected to by red string. When she finally meets them, she's devastated to find them hanging in her basement, being drained of blood. But her soulmate won't die- not if she can do something about it. Notes: Soulmate AU in which people have a red thread tied to their left ring finger (or elsewhere if missing the finger/hand), which connects to their soulmate. By default the string is taut/tight, only getting loose when the pair is relatively close to each other.

1: Stem The Flow

How long had she waited for this day? How long had Bela monitored the red string tied to her hand, waiting for it to be anything other than taut? A decade, at the least, if not two or more. For so long she had dreamt of her soulmate, albeit discreetly, wondering about every facet of their being. Entire days had been spent imagining them, and how they would come into her life. Sometimes, on those days, she would gently tug her end of the thread. Every single time, without fail, her soulmate had returned the motion. It warmed her heart more than she’d ever admit, to know that her excitement was not one-sided.

At times, it did worry her, the feelings in her chest reminding her of her youngest sister. Daniela was obsessed with love, dangerously so, to the point of being downright delusional. More than once her “affections” had gotten their family into some sort of trouble. No matter how mature Bela considered herself to be, there was a part of her that worried about repeating her sister’s mistakes. What if her excitement about her partner led her to overlook something crucial? What if the person in question posed a threat to her family? How easy would it be, then, for her to cut them off?...

Today, perhaps, she would find out.

The sun had set over the Romanian landscape, and with the moon rose the Dimitrescu household. First out of bed, as always, Bela wasted no time in getting dressed. Hazy visions of her fading dreams clouded her mind, tugging on her thoughts as always. Most days they felt more like memories than anything else. Today, they are quieter than usual, easily fading into the background. When the last traces of her grogginess disperse, Bela finds herself glancing at her left hand. It’s a daily habit, although discreet, that always leaves her with bittersweet feelings.

“Wait…” Bela whispered, as her eyes took in the unexpected sight: The red string of fate, tied to her left ring finger, loose as can be. It trails to the ground, coiled a single time, before heading underneath her door. “Am I dreaming?” She does not bother to pinch herself to check. Instead she practically jumps into her shoes, dashing out of her room with unfamiliar glee. Maidens in the hallways have to leap aside to avoid her, but she does not care, for once ignoring the standards her mother had instilled in her. If her sisters could be chaotic, we couldn’t she?

So she follows the thread, eagerly, without even wondering why it was so loose. No, she didn’t think about the implications of the situation. In her mind, it did not matter why her soulmate was finally within her reach, it simply mattered that they were. Soon enough they would be in her arms, safe, with nothing else to bother them. And then she’d be happy, finally having someone she was on equal terms with. Finally having someone to confide in, to cherish, to whisper sweet nothings to in the dead of the night.

She doesn’t hesitate until she finds the string wrapped around the door to the basement. At last the signs click together in her mind, like a conspiracy board bound with crimson ties. Instantly panic replaces whatever excitement she had been feeling. Then she’s abandoning all sense of caution, throwing open the door and rushing forward, dispersing into a swarm to cover more ground. Even if she could no longer see the thread in this form, she was certain that she’d know exactly who her soulmate was when she saw them.

And, well, she does. Something calls her to the far corner of the main room, where a body was suspended from the ceiling by its hands. An all-too-familiar needle was sticking out of the person’s arm, leading down to a large glass container, which was slowly filling with blood. The scent made Bela’s nostrils flare, and her eyes go wide, but she did her best to fight against her instincts. Quickly she gets to her knees, examining the jar to see how full it was. Most of the measurement lines were faded, having been worn out over time, making it harder to estimate the volume. In the end, Bela guessed that the container could fit just over six liters inside. Which meant that the person had lost close to… two and a half. That was bad- behind bad, really. Horrible, actually. Immediately life threatening to the point of having been life threatening before Bela had even woken up.

“Don’t die on me, please,” she half cried half shouted, jumping into action as best as she knew how. Not even bothering to turn the nozzle on the device, she pulls the needle out of her soulmate’s arm, cursing when more blood rushes out of the hole. Then she’s applying pressure, hard as she can, beyond glad that they weren’t awake for this. One hand goes to tear a piece of fabric off of their shirt. Hopefully they wouldn’t mind, all things considered. Next, Bela ties the cloth around the collection point, making less of a tourniquet and more of a generic bandage. “Shit, you need a transfusion, don’t you?... Fuck, fuck, what’s your blood type?”

Knowing that she wouldn’t be getting a verbal answer any time soon, Bela settled for dipping a finger into the jar, bringing it to her lips, and licking. The difference in taste among blood types was subtle, but she was nothing if not a professional at this point. Still, the type is not immediately clear to her, and she knows that she might have to go around licking more blood from other prisoners. Unless… could someone receive a transfusion of their own blood? Such a thing had never happened at the castle before, but there was a first time for everything.

“Hold on, I’ll figure this out, somehow, I promise,” Bela said, gently taking her patient’s hand in her own. Taking your hand.

When you wake, you find yourself among the softest sheets you have ever felt, as if laying on clouds themselves. But your vision is blurred, and your head is besieged by waves of pain. A whimper makes its way past your lips. For a moment all you can do is tense up, unsure of any detail of your situation, unable to discern anything around you. Then you feel a hand on your own, squeezing gently. Something about it sends a rush of comfort throughout your entire body. Still, you are more confused than anything, and you find yourself trying to sit up out of instinct.

Without warning the hand lets you go, only for the owner to shift their weight, climbing on top of you in an instant. They’re holding you down, saying words that don’t quite reach your ears. For how light they are, they manage to put an impressive amount of pressure on you, easily rendering you immobile. Unfortunately, this position does little to ease your anxiety. The last thing you could remember was a very, very tall lady sticking a needle in your arm with a cruel laugh. Based on how you felt, there was still a needle in your arm. But you had been standing, or hanging, before, and now you were on your back.

“Whathe… wha the ‘ell… can’t 'hink,” you muttered, stumbling over your own tongue. Whoever sits on top of you tries to comfort you, running a hand through your hair. “Who are you?” You asked, even though you couldn’t understand a word this person said. Their voice might as well have been in another language, with the way your addled brain processed it. Had you lost too much blood? Or maybe you had a concussion? “I just. I just wanted to meet them. Please, I jus… I just wanna see my soulmate.”

Again, you cannot understand what the person says in response, but they finally seem to understand this. One of their hands reaches out and grabs your left one, slowly tapping your fingers, one by one. When they reach your ring finger, they pause, gently holding it. For a few moments you’re left even more confused. Then, with a surge of warmth in your chest, the dots are connected. Whoever is with you quietly grabs the thread attached to your finger, before tugging gently. In order for them to do that… well, there was only one explanation. They were your soulmate. They were the one you had gone to this accursed castle to meet. Somehow they had saved you, and everything was finally looking up.

Mind clearing slowly, you’re finally able to understand something they- or she, as far as you can tell- say.

“Rest now, my beloved. You are safe in my care, this I promise.”

[borbology]

YOU MEAN I INSPIRE PEOPLE? 🥺

I inspire people with my garbage account that I made on a whim to spout some hyperfixations doodles that I put comparatively little effort into?  🥺

This makes me so happy. I have a franchise where most of my attention goes into, the one I grew up with, the one I am dedicated to -- and it isn't even Kirby. I've been writing an incredible AU for years and my dream is to make it into comics and post it. I have put so much thought and passion into my stories, it's what I am most proud of. I want to post my AU, then go onto make comics with original stories too, and even learn to animate for some of then. This is literally all I want in life. I can die happy if I manage to do just this. -- And that franchise which inspired that AU isn't even Kirby.

Something I've always hated but never been able to control is that I am a late bloomer. Autism, anxiety, surgery, has all set me back. But I have no excuse for putting off my personal projects other than I didn't feel ready. I always felt like I should already have my material up. It made me lose some confidence. There were times I felt like my whole dream was shattered. But I've gotten better and I'm putting more serious thought into planning how to release my art and stories for the world to see. I'm closer now than I've ever been -- and I started this blog just to feed an interest I gained no more than a year ago. But I'm also here the get my first experience with interacting with people online, and to post my art, and to get some of the experience I need for later on with the plan of one day just kind of disappearing from this Tumblr to move onto what I really want to do.

But this has all been such an enriching experience. I'm having so much more fun than I thought I would and am excited for working towards my dream in a way I haven't been before. I feel more confident. The hardest part of anything is starting, and it's taken me years of not knowing how to start to get to the point I'm at now where I tell myself I can do this, and I will do this.

I'm working on so many things behind the scenes and have so much content to my name that you have no idea of. You guys don't even know me at all. But hearing this post^ really has me smiling like an idiot. I know that some time from now when I'm working on my main interests and following the dream for my art that I've had since I was little, I'll look back to this blog and think about all of you guys. Someday in the future, near or far, after I've gone and left from here, I always planned to just leave it at that -- but once I feel like I've taken off with my main projects I want to come back here and reveal that this blog was mine, so I can reconnect with everything it brought to me to get me what I needed to really start. On that day I want to get my first Kirby game too :)

Sorry, I didn't mean for this to be so long -- but I also never meant for this dumb little account to matter. I never even really intended on explaining all this here but I want you to know what it meant to me when you said that even my most low effort content made you so happy. I'll remember it.

Happy New Year! 💖🎆🎇✨

Yo, today is a big day.

For me it's a bit of an emotional day but I try to hold onto the positive!

I want to mention some people that absolutely inspired my last months!

@cosmicocoffee you're such an amazing and inspiring person! Your OCs and art have really caught my eyes and they inspired me alot!

@quanblovk yo, I found an DametaGala shipper buddy! Your art also has been an inspiration for me! I'm glad I encountered you.

@startistdoodles your art often gives me ideas, and I love your OCs!

@borbology your art puts a smile to my face! I love your artstyle!

@kare-bear117 your art and OCs are very inspiring. I remember wolfwrathknight from my childhood and you remind me of him which brings me positivity and inspiration from out the past!

My stay on tumblr hasn't been too long but you guys definitely are special people to me!

(Sorry for the very random tags lol, I just felt like I should've pointed it out since yall are amazing.)