#literally going to post this and then write some mind blind fanfic LMAO

[mrs-theirin]

i was (indirectly) tagged by the LOVELY @trvelyans to make my ocs with this picrew and considering i am procrastinating doing my homework and midnight is quickly approaching there are only two for now <3 expect more later

from left to right: aria wiseman & calliope langford (mind blind and wayhaven)

[uglifish]

How do you write long multi-chapter fics without losing steam or motivation?

Hey guys!

Been a while since I made a post answering all the FAQ’s in my inbox, and this is the one I get the most, so here goes my answer/advice:

▽ structure and continuity 

(and i still struggle with this lmao its an uphill climb)

1) outline or map out your story path. if it drags and you find yourself getting BORED with your writing or where the story is going, its time to stop, step back, and evaluate.

completely write out the storyline in short-hand nonsense as fast as possible, because its for you only, so go back to fill in the details later. if you want to see what MY outlines look like...... -embarassmentttttt-

Here’s a screencap from underwater chrysalis.

if you’ve read that story, you can probably recognize this scene was an entire chapter, but it was 5 nonsense sentences in my outline.

2) if you can sit down for X hours and write out the outline from start to end (yes, end of the story) then you have a solid skeleton to polish up :D

3) don’t worry about chapter splitting just yet. get it all out first

▽ Marathon time

1) set aside time for yourself to write it out. Find time for it at least once a week or once a day if you can manage that! DON’T leave it sitting for 2+ weeks--unless that’s your creative process--and if it is, and you recognize you get stuck here, leaving the fic alone for more than 2 weeks = abandoning the fic?? then proceed to this step→

go back to it and read it over and over, right up until the point where you stopped, ask yourself questions about where the characters are going (refer to your outline)/ why the characters are doing X scene ...etc (is there tension? is this part boring? why have you stopped writing? tired? take a nap:)

2) know when to ignore (writing) advice. and i wish someone had told me this when i first started marathon fic-writing. advice is great but its not a cure-all and maybe you’re exhausted from trying everyone’s suggestions. literally you do you, but keep an open mind to learn along the way.

3) if you run into a problem, like wanting to change an ENTIRE scene that will  affect the ending of your story, stop writing and go back to your outline. you’re wasting your own time this way. write to get to an ending.

4) know that there are formulas to long, captivating stories. its like a curve that goes up and down. (find a formula that works for you!) for me, it’s: scene start tension scene escalating tension resolve tension but then another conflict + 2 conflict + 1 romance = long 3 chapter scene :D scene resolving 1 conflict, romance + 3 yay! scene adding to conflicts and romance above tension resolution? another tension or romance resolve? which slowly helps taper to an end (which i still struggle with)

5) have fun! you’re exploring this character, this universe, don’t get too stuck up your own ass about stuff and let things go. if you finished a scene and re-read it, hate it, don’t give yourself crap about it. if you’re happy with it one day and unhappy with it another day, figure out why or just let it go. Your goal is to write as much as possible to finish your story to the outline you wrote. if you get hung up on the stuff in the middle, you’ll never reach the finish line.

▽ I’ve finished my multi-chapter my pile of crap. Now what?

1) don’t look at it, don’t even think about it. congratulate yourself and go to the beach :D get yourself a coffee and socially-distance-hang-out with your friends

2) 1 - 3 weeks later, re-read it ALL with fresh eyes. don’t tell your friends about it, don’t link it anywhere for feedback. it’s still ALL YOU right now.

3) re-read it round 1: edit it grammatically and for bulk. if you still hate that random interaction you added in, delete it entirely and set it aside. fix all grammar issues and add to more descriptions if some are lacking.

4) re-read it round 2: a week later with your own fresh eyes, make sure everything flows. did you say character X had a green shirt in ch 3 but in ch 4 they were wearing a blue shirt? fix that :O might be a genuine mistake, either you forgot or got up to leave your fic for 4 days and (forgot)

5) re-read again round 3: a week after that, read it again and find it for more errors, add more flow if some scenes have a choppy transition, and start to split it into chapters. Find natural breaks in your writing (or cliff hangers!) and cut them there. 6) recruit a friend! Ask someone you’re ok with baring your soul to and make them read your slightly less steaming pile of crap, which is now a polished turd. hopefully your friend will tell you it IS a polished turd and is OK for posting, or that you still mentioned green shirt character is wearing a blue shirt (again) in ch 56 and you missed it :P

7) post and run, or save it to re-read again 6 months later

i’ve been doing the post and run thing for a while if im medium-proud of my shiny turd, or if im really insecure about it, i’ll sit on it for even a YEAR before i even breathe about it. its not that i hate it, its that i feel it could be better and if i’m continuously writing during that time, I can go back to look at it with fresh(er) eyes.

▽ things to think about / stuff to ask yourself while writing:

- why am i tired (of this, of it?) know yourself and know your limits. if you’re tired (physically, of writing) learn to differentiate that from being mentally tired.

- who are you writing for? a friend’s bday gift fic? submission into Fanfic Award-Winning Novel Writers Club? A novel manuscript to Random House? Nanowrimo? your fandom rare-pair discord server? ....yourself?? and then figure out your motivations for the tone of your writing :D

- i suck at writing X (a violent action scene, smut, small-talk in elevator scene), so i’ll just skip it... no. if you think your story needs it, make your best attempt at writing it and then go back to edit it. you’ll be happy you pushed yourself to write it.

- i’ve never done X (been to a hotspring in Japan, gone hiking in extreme weather, gone on a blind date) how would i know what it feels like? Try your best to envision it or use the wonders of the internet to learn about it. Research is your best friend to express realism in your writing :D

aaaaaaaaaaaand that’s all i got for now :O

*btw you know what works for you as a creative mind, this is all stuff that works for me and I hope you found it helpful!

thank you for reading this super long post, and feel free to PM me if you need a “get me unstuck” buddy in your writing process :D

xooxxo Ugli

[overthedub]

Gorillaz Fic Recs Part 1

Today’s a day all about love, and I just feel like there isn’t a whole lot of love shown towards the fanfic side of this fandom. Hopefully my haphazard rec list can fix that.

A lot of fics on this list (though certainly not all) feature Murdoc as the main character (because I love him lol), so if you hate him, maybe skip over this rec list.

Got a good mix of family fics, angst, and other stuff, so take your pick.

(Part 2 incoming)

Family Fics

Things They Don’t Understand by Ferrenbach

Summary: Murdoc is the most real person in the world, but it's hard to make people understand when he doesn't have the words.

Rating: Teen

BOOOIIII this fic. THIS fic right here is my jam. I absolutely adore it to bits, and whenever I’m lacking inspiration to write for my own fic, I go and revisit it.

The poetic style, the deep characterizations of both Murdoc and 2-D, just everything about this fic is so damn good, my dudes. Holy shit, I cannot recommend this one-shot enough.

Worlds Infinite by Ferrenbach

Summary:

Murdoc goes looking for 2-D, who can only take so much party noise. He can also only take so much alcohol before turning into an armchair philosopher. Murdoc is more practical. There's no sense in musing on "what-ifs" after all, is there?

Rating: Gen

Yet another great piece from Ferrenbach. I’ve been meaning to delve into their other fics, too, but so far I’ve only had time to read a couple of their one-shots.

I adore the atmosphere of this fic, and the descriptions and characterizatons of Murdoc and 2-D are just as amazing as in Things They Don’t Understand.

The Gunpowder Princess by ghoullly

Summary:

A runaway princess with a gun on her back

A man with raven's wings and a bird's skull atop his head.

A giant man with long legs and the biggest heart she'd ever seen (figuratively and literally).

A man with a ghost between his ears and the ability to sway the elements with his mood.

One man is mute, one man is blind, and one man is deaf.

A ragtag group of misfits band together to travel to the edge of Japan to help the young heiress escape her planned assassination. They quickly realize that it's not as easy as it sounds, especially with some dangerous people following close behind.

Rating: Mature

I haven’t had the chance to catch up with this fic in a while (and it’s unfinished), but I adore this AU to bits. Japanese folklore AND found family dynamic? Yes, please.

return address by beepboopwriting

Summary:

Even evil has loved ones.

Sometimes, evil sends said loved ones letters written in nasty ink and addressed from a high security prison.

Loved one replies. She replies a lot.

Rating: Teen

This one makes me wanna cry, man. Murdoc and Noodle’s father-daughter relationship was one of the reasons I joined this fandom in the first place, and this Phase 5 fic does NOT disappoint. My heart aaaaah

Horse With No Name by Invader Sam

Summary:

Another one-shot Gorillaz fic, this time set during their first US tour. Noodle is plagued with nightmares and Murdoc, fearing it may be affecting her performance in the band, decides to 'handle it'. :) Rated for one or two curse words.

Rating: Teen

This is a really cute Phase 1 Murdad one-shot that made me smile a lot.

Sleepover by vinnie2757

Summary: 'Is this "Everybody Crawls into Murdoc's Bed Night" and I wasn't informed?’

Rating: K

Another cute Phase 1 one-shot where both Noodle and 2-D have nightmares and sneak into Murdoc’s bed to talk to him about it like the kids they are, much to his weary dismay.

Snapshots by vinnie2757

Summary:

The early years are full of the soft moments, the easy smiles and piggybacks, the laughter and the supportive hands behind backs. [A collection of moments from a time when Gorillaz were happy.]

Rating: K+

This one-shot collection spans across multiple phases and is an all-around nice time. No drama, no angst, just Gorillaz being a family. :D

You Are Now Entering The Harmonic World... by OceanBacon23

Summary:

A collection of little scenes. Each deals with a certain song by Gorillaz, and you might need to know each song before you can read the story.

No archive warnings apply. ADDITIONAL WARNINGS MAY BE PLACED IN AUTHORS' NOTES.

Rating: Gen

I haven’t read all the one-shots in this collection yet, but it’s nice to take a peek into these song creation moments the band members get up to here.

The Apology by eyedentification

Summary: Murdoc makes amends. (My own take on a common Gorillaz fanfic trope.)

Rating: Mature

This is more a comedy one-shot than a family one. I’m not exaggerating when I say I yelled at this Phase 4 fic lmao. I won’t spoil anything other than the fact that this is just Peak Murdoc™.

Press, Release by ratbat

Summary:

Privacy is something you trade for fame, Murdoc knew that, but there's always something personal you hope to cling to, something to keep for yourself.

Now if only the fucking media and their hack lackeys would quit acting like that belonged to them too.

Rating: Teen

This is a great Phase 1 fic focusing on Murdoc’s own battle with internalized homophobia after the media tries to rip his coming out away from him in an interview.

This fic does have some slurs in it, courtesy of Murdoc’s own foul mouth and internalized hatred, but do read this one if you’re okay reading that sort of thing.

What Are We Going to Do? by Close_enough_to_lose

Summary:

Murdoc notices that Noodle looks embarrassed while handing 2D the lyric sheet for Every Planet We Reach Is Dead. He quickly figures out why. Luckily, it’s one thing he’s equipped to deal with.

Or,

Murdoc finds out Noodle is bi and gives her his advice.

Rating: Teen

More Murdoc being a good dad to Noodle. :D Just a bi dad giving his bi daughter (actually good) advice.

2D is Weird by alexisntedgy

Summary:

2D has always been a little different. Or, other people always thought he was. But when people keep telling someone that they're weird, it starts to get to you.

Or, 2D is autistic and has a panic attack because of his ~issues~.

TW for internalized ableism, panic attacks, and general ableism. Any other TWs in the notes.

Rating: Teen

I also have a headcanon that 2-D is autistic, and I like how this fic portrays how he struggles with his and other people’s perceptions of it and him. Noodle’s also being a good sister to him here, so that’s a plus.

Just Another Girl by alexisntedgy

Summary:

Noodle is a girl. She knows that. The only problem is, the rest of the world doesn't know it.

Rated T for Murdoc

Basically just trans Noodle. I love her she's gr8 :))

Rating: Teen

I haven’t caught up with this fic all the way through yet either, but the chapters I have read are super cute and wholesome and full of Gorillaz family-bonding. :3

Angst Fics

Pretending by FleetRed

Summary: After a casual hookup, Stu imagines what it would be like if it were something more.

Rating: Teen

I adore the many character study fics in this fandom, and this one is no exception. It’s a great insight into 2-D’s romantic mind.

The Selfish Giant by fashionpixiez

Summary:

YOU ARE MURDOC NICCALS, AND YOU ARE EMPTY.

No, no. Don’t tell me you’re not. You’re empty, aren’t you ? A vessel. But you aren’t the kind of vessel that wants to be filled, are you? No. You reach out to people and you touch their hearts and you burn them, because you want them to feel some of that burning emptiness too. that’s all you’re good for. (It’s like it’s all you’ve ever known.)

Rating: Teen

This fic hurts my heart, but damn is it good. The descriptions of Murdoc’s feelings and his past are so poignant here, I just want to hug him.

Other Murdoc-Related Fics

Tattoos by HowlingMisfit

Summary: There's a reason why Murdoc doesn't have them anymore. (Rated for: Major character "death", Gore, Blood, Nudity and Murdoc.)

Rating: Mature

This is a horror/supernatural one-shot that (to me at least) is more comedic than scary. Of course, the descriptions are downright macabre (which I love), but...again Peak Murdoc here.

Lucy, I’m Home by TheDarkLegate

Summary:

After the release of Humanz, Murdoc isn't willing to wait another seven years for more success. Lucifer wants to see just what he'll give up to get it. One shot. Spiritual Successor to "A Day in the Life of Satan".

Rating: Teen

I’ve hardly (if ever) seen any fanfics that delve into Murdoc’s deal with the Devil. The way Lucifer is portrayed as a world-weary businessman rather than someone to fear is pretty funny and really in line with Gorillaz’ sense of humor, too.

Morning Person by Lmaooooonade

Summary:

A young boy cherishes the mornings where he can just exist. Things might not be great, but he can at least exist peacefully for a while.

Rated Teen for my fucking language.

Based off the headcanon of another creator I very much admire, please inquire within.

Rating: Teen

This Phase 0 fic is a great stand-alone read even if I haven’t really delved into the headcanons that inspired their fic (though I have seen their neat artwork around sometimes).

If I move my hands fast enough, I won’t die by alexisntedgy

Summary:

Murdoc Niccals has Tourette’s syndrome, this is the story of his journey.

Because nobody else has written about this headcanon yet!!

This will probably be a place to keep Tourettes!murdoc ficlets and one shots!!! For context, I (the author) have a tic disorder :)

Rating: Teen

Personally, I like Murdoc’s verbal tics, so it’s interesting to see someone else’s take on why he does them here.

Aaaand that’s it for now! I’ve read a lot more Gorillaz fics than this, but this list was getting long enough as it is, so I figure it’d be best to just make another rec post based on genre.

Part 2 of my recs will focus more on OC/Murdoc and reader/Murdoc romance fics, so stay tuned for those!

If you have any fic recs for me, by all means tell me about them! Just keep in mind that I don’t like any band ships aside from 2Russ and RussDel.

Self-insert OCs or reader fics are a-okay, though!

[caatws]

quarantine tag game

i was tagged by @salty-af-ace <3

1. Are you staying home from work/school?

yep, both my internship and classes are online/remote now. zoom university class of 2020 what’s good

2. If you’re staying at home, who’s there with you?

i’m quarantined with my roommates, who happen to be some of my closest friends. while i am grateful for that, i do miss my family and wish i could see them, esp bc i wasn’t planning to move home post grad so irdk when i can see them next.

3. Do you have pets to keep you company?

no unfortunately :/ i wish i could be with queso the cat but he’s at home with my immediate family

4. What do you miss the most?

a lot of things....but definitely the end of my senior year of college. i was supposed to be doing a lot of graduation-type events on campus this month, leading up to the big day next month, but now we have none of that. similarly, i miss my friends, bc many of them returned home quickly during or after our spring break so my goodbyes were either very rushed or nonexistent :/

5. When was the last time you left your home?

i haven’t like Gone Out To A Place since the day before easter (got takeout food), but in terms of physically leaving my apartment i went to my car to do my therapy appointment via zoom back on friday

6. What was the last thing you brought?

i bought one of the new cropped sweatshirts from the black widow movie merch line at hot topic! it just dropped last week and my life has nothing else these days okay 🙄 also i had enough gift cards to pay for the whole thing heheh

7. Is quarantine driving you insane or are you finally relaxed?

i am far from relaxed my friend my mind and body are dying

8. Are you a homebody?

i actually grew up in a pretty homebody-type family, so i am to an extent; at the same time, because i’m normally living life going to college in a major city with a good amount of friends, i typically go out way more while i’m at school rather than stay in, so this sucks!

9. What are movies you have watched recently?

one of my roommates wanted to do an mcu movie marathon but she’s moving out in like 2 weeks so we’re doing an expedited version (designed by yours truly). this weekend we watched im1, thor, catfa, and avengers 2012. we’re watching catws tonight and i’m fuckin Stoked

other than that, i’ve been catching up on some 2019 films - midsommar, little women, and parasite!

10. An event that you were looking forward to that got cancelled?

there’s....a Lot. probably the biggest and most obvious would be my literal college graduation, and next would be all the other events we had planned for this month preceding that to celebrate seniors at my school in their respective communities. so it’s just an all-around Bummer

11. What’s the worst thing you’ve had to cancel?

one of my close friends from high school was supposed to fly down to visit me for a few days and we were gonna go to disneyland - but then disney closed down just days before she was supposed to come, and the virus was spreading so fast, we just canceled the whole trip altogether :(

12. What’s the best thing you’ve had to cancel?

hm i guess the “best thing” was that, because they canceled the rest of the semester at the end of our spring break, they canceled that following week of class? so we had a nice week-long break to sit at home and do nothing

13. Do you have any new hobbies?

i’ve been doing a lot of puzzles with my roommates. i also got them obsessed with mahjong for like a week. other than that i just play a lot of animal crossing

14. What are you out of?

we are not out of it but we are gonna need a lot more alcohol soon bc i am Tired!

15. What music are you listening too?

been listening to a lot of t swift - specifically lover and a couple other songs - which ik makes me a basic white girl but her lyrics just be speaking to me these days 😔

16. What shows are you watching?

mainly odaat and b99 since new eps are still coming out weekly. other than that i’ve just been rewatching a couple old shows like hannah montana and other disney channel classics. i also have seen parts of love is blind, the circle, tiger king, and zoey’s extraordinary playlist while my roommates were watching LMAO

17. What are you reading?

i recently read a wlw ya novel that i actually bought at a book store (very strange bc i haven’t bought a book for pleasure reading in Years LMAO) - the summer of jordi perez. other than that i’ve just been reading (and writing) fanfic aha

18. What are you doing for self care?

reading/writing fic, consuming an unhealthy amount of dark chocolate on a regular basis, and playing animal crossing

19. Are you exercising?

literally not at all! :^) a bitch is tired 24/7

20. How’s your toilet paper supply?

it could be better for an apartment of 5 ppl. but we’ll survive for now...

21. Have you made any changes to your hair during quarantine?

no but i wish i had the resources to semi-properly cut my hair cuz i wanted to get it cut short during this month and now i can’t :(

tagging: @novasforce, @justanalto, @barillapasta, @briel-arson, & anyone else who wants to do this! also feel free to skip this if i tagged you and you’re like nah LMAO

[bellatrixobsessed1]

okay, so you reblogged the 10 qs post which makes me happy bc i've been wanting to ask you some qs about TF&TF but i thought it'd come across as me being nosy... anyway, please answer 3, 4, 5, 6, and 9. (you totally don't have to, ofc lol)

Oh God, never nosy! I like talking about my writing since everyone irl ignores me. 

3. There were actually a few parts. I type my fics as I go meaning that I don’t have an out line and kind of just let it write itself which is why quiet and loneliness is so important to me lest someone interrupts my flow. With that in mind, most of part 16 because I couldn’t get peace and quiet for most of it; I was with family and they were all being super loud and the tv was on and what not. 

I think the peak hardest was part 17. Part 17 was sort of a filler because, not gonna lie, I literally didn’t know where to go from part 12; my concept was ‘Azula is cursed by a spirit, she falls in love with Sokka and it breaks’. After that I was kinda like ??? Like I knew they were going to get married by the end and fall in love once and for all but what goes in between?  

4. For one all of the typos I caught after the fact. I still don’t proof read because I don’t have the attention span…and I type them kind of late at night and after I finish the chapter I’m pretty much asleep lmao. 

That aside I’d change a part in part 21; I totally forgot that I wanted him to make a remark about how Hogoseki would recognize Azula’s aura anywhere. Just to kind of emphasize how much time has passed. I’d also hint at her pregnancy more. That was pretty much a last minute decision. 

Oh and also I was gonna have Muzuko in a tux. But I forgot that too and I am upset lol. 

5. See above lmao. I had a very, very vague outline. But as mentioned it ended in part 12 and I was pretty much going in blind for the last 10 chapters. So like a half an outline. Usually I don’t even have an outline at all so this one was special. 

6. I didn’t really scrap any scenes so much as alter them. 70% of my fics are based on day dreams. In my day dreams I confess to making Azula like 110% more emotional because idk I’m way too into hurt/comfort and in my day dreams there’s a lot of hurt. So like she cried a lot more in the original script to the point where it bordered on OOC. You can kind of tell where I watered that down. In other words, “for a moment he thought he was going to see her cry again” is my not so subtle way of saying, ‘lmao she totally did cry but not in the published script.’  Suki was also a bit bitchier but I didn’t want to be that author who shits on another character to prop a ship up. It annoys me when authors do that because you don’t have to make an asshole of a character for the other ship to work. Other than that parts 1-12 stuck to the script I originally thought of. 

Pretty much all of 13-22 was added in. I didn’t think I’d be typing this fic for that long. I also anticipated only doing 20 parts at most. The baby was definitely an add on, as mentioned before. Hogoseki redemption was too–I was debating whether or not to do it at all. Muzuko lmao. He wasn’t in the original plan but I wanted Azula and Sokka to have a frog friend. 

Basically 1-12 were full of cut outs and 13-22 were full of add ins.

9. The whole curse bit. It wasn’t even gonna be Sokkla at first. Funny story I have a thing for transformation be it physical or mental or both. I enjoy reading and writing fics where one of the two (or even better, both) happen. Werewolf fanfics are best fics. The whole “x by da,y y by night” plot. So yeah, the fic very much started out as simply, ‘Azula is cursed too look like x, she needs to fix.’ And that’s when Sokkla came in because that’s how she fix. 

[tobns]

so even though i literally owe no one a single explanation, i wanted to take a second while i’m not doing much of anything and...ramble, i guess, about the last month or so. feel free to look at it under the cut, and even if you don’t read all of it, just peep at the first paragraph, it’s for you!

i guess i’ll preface this by saying TO ALL OF THE NEW PEOPLE WHO’VE FOLLOWED ME OVER THE LAST FEW DAYS: hi hello welcome to my blog i’m em and i love you, you are very special and worthy and amazing and i hope you enjoy my blog and the shit i post and know i consider you a friend and am here for you always if you ever wanna talk or need someone to vent to about literally anything from real world problems to fandom feels, i got you ♡

before i begin, if you read ANY part of this below pretty pretty please send asks in my inbox telling me what you think, alright??? ‘cause i do need opinions on some stuff below, so thank you thank you thank you in advance!!!

moving along!

so, number one: as you can probably tell, writing has been kinda slim to none around here lately, and i really don’t know what to tell y’all. i don’t have any kind of grand “oh i’ve been away!” excuse, my reasoning is pretty straightforward — my motivation has been low, i’ve been putting a little more time into exploring solo muses/characters, and as of the last week or so, completely had it with certain, toxic as hell fandoms. one of my really good friends makes youtube videos and she made a video this last week i resonated so much with, where she basically talked about how she was turning youtube into a chore and wasn’t having any fun with it. she was making layouts and trying to pep herself into actually Doing Shit and when the time came, she was completely disappointed with the quality or couldn’t bring herself to finish, and i was screaming “why is this my life??” the whole damn time because i absolutely could relate to it. watching that video made me realize that a) i was turning my fic writing/video editing into something like a chore, i was beating myself up when i didn’t do something on time and could never get it done when i forced myself to work on stuff and that’s so the wrong way to go about it, and b) i’m just not really passionate about what i’m writing now. i’m not. do i love cdg/grey’s? yes, i do, and i still have every intention to finish that story. but like i said, i realized earlier that this is not my job. no one other than myself is forcing me to crank out updates, and the reason i force myself to crank out these updates is because i’m scared that if i take time away from my stuff, when i come back to it, i’ve lost a readership. and it’s incredibly, incredibly hard finding a balance — i want an audience because what’s the point in sharing my shit if no one else is looking, but at the same time i also want to take my time with stories on days where i don’t feel motivated and want to be a little lazy and still maintain that readership, not have them jump ship. i and i’ve had it happen and it completely stripped my desire to even WRITE for a fandom away, and i love grey’s too much to ever want that to happen. but of course, lately all i feel inspired to write is slexie, which died out five years ago, so my readers are slim as is. see my dilemma? it’s a hard, hard thing for me to find a perfect balance with because i either work myself into the ground or neglect it entirely, but it all comes back to the root of this: i’ve come back to terms with the fact that this is not my job, i’m not answering to anyone other than me, i don’t have a paycheck on the line, i’m not under any other restrictions other than the ones i set for myself, and i’m just overall too hard on myself when it comes to something THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN. it’s supposed to be FUN. FANDOM. IS. SUPPOSED. TO. BE. FUN.

and so that’s what i’m trying to do. have fun. write the stuff i want to write because i want to write it, not because i’m feeling obligated or pressuring myself to, but because i’m passionate about it and i want to write it. the saying’s true, if you’re passionate about what you’re putting your effort into, it shows, and i think that is certainly true for all of the fics that have seen any sort of remote success, save for a couple. when my heart’s in the right place, the reactions reflect, and even though that’s a very fucking blind process for me to trust, i’m gonna trust it. 

therefore, i have a fewwwwww little things i wanna let you know about if you do follow my creations

i’ll start with the short one: videos. 

i have not been inspired to make another fucking video because, once again, i keep comparing my shit to others and just not having fun, making it into a job and thinking more about the destination rather than the journey (a very big problem i have that i’m trying to work on). if i’m passionate about it, expect me to edit it. it may not be the greatest, most wonderful video on youtube you’ve EVER SEEN, but i just wanna edit stuff that makes me happy. expect videos for fics that i’ll touch on below, expect videos with more of my favorite musicians and shows and just less of the shit i don’t really want to edit. (this is me, repeating this phrase a lot in order for it to sink into my brain and register okay)

and...now for the not so short one (i’m trying to make this as spaced out, brief and organized as possible for your reading convenience if you’re still fucking reading this lmao): fics.

cdg is the only fic i am going to go forward with updating right now out of all the ones you see on my fic page (which i’m gonna update soon) i got a super sweet review a few days ago that really made me want to keep moving forward. when you’ll see an update? i can’t say. i’m gonna rework some of my outlines and then go from there, but it will be updated. have no fear. xx

i really don’t know if any of you remember/are interested, but ever since 2013, i’ve had an ongoing fic series (the only thing i’ve ever written a sequel for EVER) that’s a hunger games x avengers crossover. the first one is atrocious, honestly, second one is only slightly better, but i’m on the third sequel and lately, i’ve just been dying to do more with it, since i’m actually feeling good about the mcu again with spiderman and the new trailer releases? the fic’s called cataclysm, you can read the first chapter (from a year ago lmao) here if you’d like; to me, this was my fun way of combining super special fandoms for me together. basically, if you want a synopsis of what i did (back 4 years ago) was essentially write katniss into the mcu films. i wrote lights out four years ago and it is...cringe, there’s a good story there if you overlook my shitty deliverance, and i’ve always been pretty proud of the tone inferno took on, even if there’s some stuff i’d like to edit and whatnot. i’m going to try and continue on with cataclysm because it’s what i’m really pumped about right now, and i’ve got a few little things i’d love for y’all to help me with:

#1 — i obviously post this on ffnet, would you like me to also post cataclysm updates to ao3?

which leads into this — if i post to ao3, would you want me to import the other two stories into ao3 as well? fair warning: i’d probably give a solid day to tweaking and editing lights out and that’s it, i could take that fic apart and rewrite it to be much better but that’s simply not something i’m interested in nor do i want to spend my time on. like i said, i wrote it 4 years ago. it’s no longer my best, it’s kind of incredibly rough around the edges, and could i have done better with crafting the storylines and making things feel a little more natural? yeah, especially now that i’ve worked her into 3+ movie storylines and have had the practice. but that’s beside the point. you’d have to essentially take it as it is and i’d probably disable comments on the first two for my own sake of mind — ao3 gives me a lot of stress and it’s why i don’t like updating on there (oh look, more confessionals!) because i feel an immense load of pressure to impress and write up to a certain bar instead of writing true to my voice. 

please don’t expect any sg fics out of me for awhile. i haven’t talked much about this since the implosion of the fandom, but i’m just not comfortable right now touching any of it with a ten foot pole. like i said, it’s not fun for me, i don’t wanna write it and i’m not about to force myself and be miserable. 

depending on where i get, i have plenty of slexie/japril fic ideas that i’d love to put into use, and we’ll see how things go!

so yeah, basically, what you should take away from this is that i’m putting a fucking finish on stressing myself out so much; i’m going to go back to focusing more on the process instead of the result, and i’m just gonna have fun with shit. i look back on my posts 5 years ago when i was writing thg fanfics and god, while i was a mess, i could tell how much fun i was having in the process and i just wanna get back to that? and that’s what i’m gonna do

i love you guys, i love creating stuff and sharing it with you guys, and i love this blog. xxxx

[gastricpierrot]

An analysis of Hide and Kaneki’s relationship, choices, and reasons PT.II

AKA the sequel to this post I made some time ago, sparked by a certain discussion I had on twitter.

Before anything else, I’d like to declare that I’m not here to make a stand or anything, but rather just to lay out some brain vomit things to consider when thinking about HideKane. You’re free to come to your own conclusions because tbvh I’m a terrible judge of relationships unless there’s extremities involved. Heck, maybe it’s just me, but I feel like the lines are intentionally blurred when it comes to these two and the more I keep pondering over them the more upset I get _(:D

Anyways. In my previous post I pointed out Kaneki’s possible reasons for doing what he did and leaving Hide behind, and while I’m going to touch a bit on that again here, I’ll also blabber a bit on Hide’s reasons this time. I mentioned how I feel the lines are blurred when it comes to their relationship, and half-asleep me managed to conclude that it’s partly due to a few main external factors that might’ve steered them towards the routes they took.

*As I’m not the most informed when it comes to mental illnesses, note that my analysis might also miss out points that may involve the role of it. As I mentioned before, this is basically more of a brain vomit than an argument I’m trying to put out.

Also this contains a hella ton of spoilers. Be warned.

Right. So the first factor is, as I’ve mentioned in my first post, the fact that they have limited choices over what could be done. What else could Kaneki have done? Was the question that haunted me a good portion of the night, and let me tell you, I still don’t know. If I were in his shoes that time, I’d be too panicked to think past my own internal screaming. I mean, suddenly I can’t eat my comfort food anymore and everyone around me is killing everoyone and holy jesus there’s blood everywhere what the fu- you get the picture. I tried coming up with some alternatives, and tbh none of them sounds appealing. Well, perhaps they could be a tad bit better depending on how you see it, but from how I view it most of them wouldn’t end.. nicely??

I’d be bringing this up again a few times along the bs I’m spouting but let me begin with the most basic Route B, and that’s where Kaneki finds the courage to sit down and actually communicate with Hide about his situation and explain why he needs to stay away. Say that happens, and Kaneki makes it clear: okay, Hide, I’ve been turned into a ghoul and we’re surrounded by scary people you need to stay back or else you might have your ass handed to you again by someone even more violent than Nishio-senpai and you might die and that’s not good. Great. Fantastic. There’s communication and the main source of all angst has been eliminated. He can properly dash Hide’s hopes before he could even think of chasing after him.

But  would Hide listen?

Here comes in the second factor, which is the feeling of guilt. Pls excuse me as I take a quick break from being a Kaneki apologist and focus a bit on Hide. As a fanfic author I’ve done my best to understand his character from the bits of him here and there we’re given in the manga; mainly his personality and drives. Despite how he looks and acts, Hide is incredibly smart, and is able to remain scarily calm in dangerous situations, as seen in the scene where he admits to have stolen clothes off the corpse of a ghoul before approaching Yamori, and the time where he knew how to fend off Cain before leaving the finishing blow to the Doves in the first novel. Basically what I’m trying to say is, this boy can think. He’s rational. He would at the very least be able to guess why Kaneki would suddenly disappear. He should also know full well how much danger he’d be plunging ass first into if he decided to chase after Kaneki. But he still did anyway.

And here’s where interpretations come in. A lot of fans—myself included, tbh—believe that his main driving force for this was his pure loyalty towards Kaneki. And I understand that it’s not exactly the healthiest thing in a relationship for one to be willing to literally throw away everything for the other. There has to be line drawn somewhere and goddamnit Hideyoshi why. But it also occurred to me yesterday that guilt might also have influenced his decision. It’s like I said before, Hide would be aware of the shit he’s getting himself into if he stepped into the world of ghouls. Even if it’s Kaneki, there could’ve been an instance where he did hesitate. He could’ve realized that he’s too powerless in the face of danger to be of help and perhaps it really would be the best to keep their distance.

You could argue that it’s his unhealthy dedication that primarily drove him to go so far and I’m not going to counter that, but I also think guilt might’ve given him the push to follow him. Hide tried to discourage Kaneki from going on his date with Rize, but not hard enough. He already sensed something not right about her, why didn’t he insist for Kaneki to not go at all? If only he hadn’t doubted his intuition that one time, then perhaps it wouldn’t have ended up like this. Those sorts of thoughts would’ve haunted him. I’m almost confident that if the victim of the incident had been anyone besides Kaneki, Hide would’ve been able to turn away. He’d be able to accept that well, how could he have known that a date with a beautiful lady would lead to a change of species? But it’s Kaneki who’s involved, his best friend for more than ten years. Emotions no doubt came into the equation and Hide.. can’t just abandon him, can he? I know there’s a number of people who suspects Hide will pull a betrayal sometime in the future, but Hide’s affection towards Kaneki could very well be the real deal. To spare you from an even lengthier post, I’ll just direct you to the fourth point of bloodycarnation’s Hide analysis (which I love until this time and day, bless you for writing it). Besides, there’s also a chance that Hide wanted to be able to actually do something, rather than just acting as support from the sidelines like he did when Kaneki was still with his aunt.

And basically what I’m getting at here is: his affection towards Kaneki could’ve given him a sense of responsibility, and that sense of responsibility could’ve led to a sense of guilt that made him willing to sacrifice even his own life if that’s what it meant to make up for what he thought was his fault. Hide’s motivation might not have been blind loyalty alone.

I also notice that the main fault that a number of people hold against Kaneki is the fact that he went on with life as if Hide no longer existed until he needed him to keep him grounded while Hide was practically throwing away everything for him. I’ve babbled some bit about this in my first post, so I’ll just add on to it here and say that.. it might be a little unfair to come to that conclusion based on what’s explicitly shown in canon. We were only given glimpses of what, several hours and days out of the many months Kaneki was with Banjou and the gang? And out of all of them, he’s shown to be caught up in something or another most of the time. It’s natural that we’re not shown any thoughts about Hide when his mind should be occupied with his plans and goals and all that jazz. In fact, almost every glimpse of Kaneki’s thoughts we’re shown are about him assessing their situation, or about his hallucinations.

But there’s one relatively leisurely instance (which I rmb anyways) where we’re shown Kaneki’s thoughts, and that’s during the mention of Eto’s book-signing even. And who came up in his mind?

TG Ch.108, pg.9

It’s.. Hide(‘s voice I guess but you get the point).

Also there’s this panel during the torture scene in Ch.61 which I somehow forgot and really, I think the screenshot speaks for itself.

Now let’s take things up a notch and fast forward a bit and take a look at this certain page in :re that sent me hurtling in tears down the void:

TG:RE Ch.75, pg.17

The crucial thing I want to point out before elaborating further is how Kaneki has a tendency to put on a mask and keep his feelings to himself, even in front of Hide. So to end up like this, in tears and admitting that he’s lonely to Hide’s face, even if he is a product of his imagination—it speaks volumes. The emotions seems to have built up to the point that even he can’t hold them in anymore. And who can say how long had he been shutting the feelings away? Who’s to say he hadn’t thought of him time and again but simply forced him out of his mind because he can’t afford to crumble? I know I keep defending Kaneki for his mistakes but I just think it’s a little harsh to criticize him for not caring simply because we weren’t shown much in the narration. Post-torture Kaneki no doubt had the most fragile mental state throughout the entire TG timeline, and forcing himself to focus on his mission might very well have been a sort of coping mechanism as well. Of course, you can argue as well that he might only have felt this painfully lonely after he regained his memories and all so really, it’s up to your own interpretations. Just trying to give some food for thought, if that’s how you put the phrase lmao-

And yes, I suppose some of us would also think hey, he could at least mention Hide to his new gang and all so yknow, he could show he still remembers him. Heck I would like that too because I would give $5 to see Hinami pointing out how Kaneki seems brighter when he talks about Hide //clenches fists. But there’s always a but, and it’s that there are possible instances of violent interrogations and Kaneki might not want to take the risk. By speaking of Hide even to his own allies, he’d create the slimmest possibility of dragging him into the world he’d tried to push him away from. What I’m saying is yes, there could be issues of trust going on here too because Kaneki is a very flawed character (which you can read a bit more about in my first analysis). I think it’s also a little interesting to point out how Kaneki does mention Hide to those who already know him before things went to shit (mainly Touka, as seen here and here, but also Rize in his mind in Ch.62) but never to those whom he only met when he was deeper in that mess of the latter TG timeline.

It occurred to me that things could have been different, though. That is, only if Kaneki’s hadn’t received Rize’s kakuhou of all people, and did not have the terrible luck of a true tragic protag. If it hadn’t been for those two factors, Kaneki might—and I’m saying might—have been able to open up to Hide eventually. If he’d been able to meet Nishiki and Kimi on better terms, heard Ikuma’s story of being raised by humans, not attracted Tsukiyama’s gourmet attention, and if he had not basically received a hugeass slap of what the fuck across the face so soon and in such short intervals since his entire world changed—things could’ve proceeded differently. He might have been able to realize that there is a possibility for him to quietly live on as a ghoul while still being with Hide. But the ghouls did not give him much of a great first impression, did they?

Hypothetically speaking, it would’ve been the most merciful for both Hide and Kaneki if Kaneki had simply been one of Rize’s many snacks. Kaneki would die on the spot and… Hide might’ve ended up the protag?? Or maybe Ishida could’ve just panned the focus elsewhere and we’d be reading Osaka Ghoul now, who knows. But noo bad luck had to strike again and Furuta had to choose that exact night to vent his salt and drop those steel beams. Furuta himself mentions how he hadn’t been targeting Kaneki specifically, so yeah. Plain hecked up luck.

All jokes aside tho, Rize’s existence is a heavy plot point in the manga, and I feel that possessing her kakuhou alone has significantly limited the possible outcomes of any alternative routes Kaneki might’ve taken. Case in point, let’s say Route C is where Kaneki’s able to feel safe enough to trust and tell Hide about his transformation. Hide tells him okay, he’ll keep his secret safe, he’ll help cover for him if he needs him. They go on with life as usual. Or, Hide could propose something else: running away. He’s never heard of violent ghoul incidents in Gunma, Kanagawa, etc so let’s go there and start over! (again, the thing about throwing everything away for him). I’ve already touched on how the CCG takes the action of not reporting ghouls a crime punishable by death, and it takes very little for a stranger to suspect and report them both. And as for how Rize’s kagune plays into this.. well we see that her kakuhou brings all the ghouls to the yard and somehow or another word would’ve spread and they’d eventually find themselves in some very unpleasant situations regardless. And even if Kaneki has learnt how to fight by then, there’s still a chance that he might be overpowered (e.g by sheer numbers alone) and what would happen then? Hide would try to defend him and get himself rekt. Probably.

And here’s the thing: from my own understanding, one of the bases of a healthy relationship is  an equal amount of give and take. And there should be limits even for that. One of the reasons why Hide and Kaneki’s relationship can be seen as unhealthy is not how Hide holds Kaneki so dear that he’s willing to put his own wellbeing at risk just to find him again even after being so coldly left behind, but also how Kaneki depends on Hide’s existence so much that  he’s willing to give up his own life the moment he thought he was dead (for reference, see pg.15-17 of :RE Ch.68). It kinda gives the quote “his existence is something I depend on as much as my heart” a more literal meaning, doesn’t it-

I’m going to pose a question here because I myself am unsure, but were there other motivations for him to attempt sacrifice his life that point in time? There could have been other ways to save Hinami and escape, but was anything mentioned? Because if not, there are two (and maybe more) possible ways to interpret the scene in Ch.68, and that’s 1) he thinks Hide is dead and he didn’t think he could live in a world without him knowing he might very well have been the one to kill him, and 2) he used Hide’s death as a “excuse” for his own long-awaited suicide (I do apologize if this sounds ableist or offending, but it’s the only way I can think of putting it accurate atm). I’ll leave it to you guys to digest this yourselves.

Long story short, I can see where the notion of their relationship being toxic stems from and really, thinking about this gave me plenty of dreadful realizations as well. They’re both willing to give too much for the other about sums it up I guess? But it’s as I said earlier, it does seem a little unreasonable to peg Kaneki as the sole source of all their bond’s bad aspects. Hide, too, made his choice by his own will. They followed what they judged as the best course of action. Also, one of the incredible things about Ishida-sensei’s narration is how he’s able to weave everything into one complex web of interactions, and surrounding circumstances they did not have control over could’ve influenced their decisions as well.

And before I roll away back into my cave, allow me to state that I don’t think their relationship’s beyond saving. Kaneki’s shown to be growing as time passes, and he’s learning. I believe there’s still hope in :RE for him to finally learn about his mistakes, and with sensei’s blessings they can meet up and argue and cry and forgive and I can bang my head repeatedly against the wall in more tears.