#literally every time i see a post being like HOW DARE A BI GIRL MAKE A JOKE ABOUT MEN

[jessiesjaded]

oh my god a bisexual girl made a joking comment going "yeah unfortunately in attracted to men, too" should we take her to the hague? should we string her up for her terrible cruelty to men for a tongue in cheek comment? Oh, wait, no. shes already at a higher risk of abuse so she'll statistically get hers anyway!!

[rabesbabe]

I like the way you kiss me p1.

sam carpenter x reader

i like the way you kiss me pt.2

Summary: You catch sam’s eyes in a grocery store and slide her your number and after you guys call she comes home one day to see you and Tara working on a project together.

A/N: hey yall…it’s been so long uhm 2 years to be exact but, i’m back!! And we’re not gonna talk abt how it’s been two years and my writing hasn’t improved… Anyway, Here’s a fic abt sam from scream shes literally so fine and a cutie patootie so ofc I had to write about her. Also part two for this fic has already been made so I’ll post that soon!

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Milk, Pickles, Ice cream, Spray deodorant and, Toothpaste. Milk, Pickles, Ice cream, Spray deodorant and, Toothpaste. Milk, Pickles, Ice cream, Spray deodorant and, Toothpaste. Sam reads over her grocery list times and times again to make sure she doesn’t leave anything. After what happened last Halloween the corner store is her least favorite place to be. So she tries to make her trips as fast as possible.

Sam looks up at the clock above the glass covered register to see the time. Suddenly something or, someone catches her eye. A beautiful woman with y/h/c and y/e/c walks toward the counter and grabs a few bags before going to other isles. Sam stops in her tracks shocked by the woman’s beauty.

It’s not like she didn’t know she was bi but for some reason every-time she saw a beautiful woman it was a different feeling than when she would see an attractive man. It’s like water suddenly being poured on her. A feeling almost impossible to explain unless you’re experiencing it in the moment. It takes Sam a moment to realize she hasn’t stopped staring at you for almost 30 seconds. You notice this and raise your eyebrow at Sam which causes her to look down and pretend nothing happened.

You walk over to her and Sam stays still as a mannequin not daring to move. The closer you get the more Sam starts to sweat. “Excuse me?” You say as u let out a chuckle. Suddenly Sam realizes she’s standing right in front of the toothpaste as if that wasn’t what she came here to get the whole time. “Oh.” Sam moves away obviously embarrassed and shocked by her behavior towards the shorter woman.

She’s usually not this awkward.

You grab your toothpaste and move on puzzled by the interaction until it hits you why the girl in the isle reacted towards you like that. On a whim you decide to write your number on a piece of paper. After you check out you look around the corner store to find the girl and as you go up to her all you say is “Just incase you wanna go grocery shopping again.” And you hand her the number with a smirk. Sam is left confused by your attempt at flirting with her and gives you a puzzled look as you leave the store.

“Tara,” Sam says as she opens her apartment door. “I’m home.”

“God, what took you so long?,” Tara asks practically sprinting into the kitchen to see what groceries Sam got. “No hot fries? Sam I requested one thing come on…” Sam looks down at the girl and laughs. “Whatever, you know I’m trying to get us to eat healthier.” Walking to the sink to wash her hands Sam empty’s her pockets not noticing the paper with your number falling out.

“Hey what’s this?” Tara asks grabbing the paper before Sam can. “Nothing” says Sam desperately trying to dry her hands before her sister reads the note. “Looks like a special someone’s number to me…” “It’s nothing Tara come on give it up.”

“Fine whatever you say Sam” Tara says in a teasing voice. “I’m going to back to my room, oh and also, one of my friends from uni is gonna come over tomorrow we need to work on a project together.” Sam nods as she finishes unpacking her groceries.

“Don’t forget to call that girl Sam” says a giggling Tara.

Later that night as Sam is showering she wonders why you would even give her your number and if she should call you. Would it be rude not to? It’s not like she was looking for anyone to date. She hadn’t dated since (I forgot his name lmao). And she wasn’t sure she ever would again. Maybe you guys could be friends? She doesn’t have a lot of those. Sam decided she’d call you after she got out the shower but If you didn’t answer the first time then she wouldn’t try again.

Sam sat on the edge of her bed biting her fingers out of anxiousness. She dialed your number and prayed you wouldn’t answer. But secretly she knew she wanted you to. After two rings the phone clicked and she heard a sweet voice say “Hello.”

She stumbled across her words for a second before she said “Hey, uhm I’m the girl from the grocery store I’m not sure if you remeber but you gave me your number?” “Oh my gosh hi! Of course I didn’t forget how could I?” “What do you mean how could you?” Sam asks. “Well you were gorgeous first off and we had a funny interaction!” You say your smile visible in your voice. Sam lightly chuckles as she replies with a shy “oh”. That night you guys talked for hours about whatever you found interesting until you had to say goodbye saying you had things to work on the next day but you promised you’d call her again when you got the chance.

That was the first time in months Sam went to bed not feeling sick to her stomach.

Sam served her last latte of the day before walking home to her apartment. She constantly looked over her shoulder hands ready to grab her pocket knife at any moment if she needed to.

You sat on Tara’s living room floor talking to her about the project you two were doing, clothes, and relationships. All while stuffing ur faces with snacks and watching she’s all that. Suddenly you heard keys jingling. “God my sister’s home, if she’s makes any rude comments toward you please ignore it and forgive me. She’s a tad bit overprotective.” You eyed Tara and nodded. Once the door opened your jaw was on the floor.

Sam was her sister? You didn’t dare utter a word as Sam looked at you as if she had seen a ghost.

“Sam this is y/n. We’re doing our project.” She looked up at Sam begging and praying she wouldn’t say anything out of pocket. Sam nodded and set her stuff down as fast as possible before going into her room to get away from where you two were.

“Well that was weird.” Tara said. You nodded and tried to wrap your mind around what just happened. You and Tara worked for hours not once seeing Sam. It was so late by the time you guys decided to call it quits Tara offered for you to just stay the night since she didn’t want you waking alone at night. You got comfy on the coach until Sam walked out of her room for the first time in hours. She eyed you and the blankets on the couch then she looked over at Tara. “Are you really making your guest sleep on the couch?” “What my beds too small for us both to fit where else can she go.” Tara rolled her eyes at her sister. “Unless you wanna offer your bed up…?” You went wide eyed, “No please I’m fine on the couch I swear.” Sam let out a breath as she said “No. You’re not. You can stay in my bed tonight I really don’t mind.” Trying your hardest to escape the awkwardness you just nodded and let Sam walk you over to her room.

As you set on her bed you called her name before she walked out. She turned back to look at you her expression shockingly cold. “Sam, I’m really sorry I didn’t know Tara was your sister-“ “You don’t need to apologize y/n.” She said cutting you off. She walked out of her room leaving you sitting on her bed slightly upset. She knew it was better this way. Neither her or Tara would get hurt. But she couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if she told you she still wanted to talk to you.

[st5lker]

one thing i dont see talked about very often is the casual transmisogyny specific to nonbinary transfems especially those of us who have any kind of masculine presentation/pronouns. like as a bigender person i consider myself both a trans woman and a gay man at the same time in different parts and everyone just kind of sees that and goes "oh so youre not an actual trans woman so being transmisogynistic doesnt matter". and believe me i dont consider myself having it "worse" like im far safer irl than most binary post-transition transfems since i present masculinely irl and I constantly recognize that but when it comes to casual transmisogyny people are transmisogynistic in a very insidious way when youre nonbinary.

like people who would normally be really careful about checking themselves for transmisogyny just throw everything out the window when they realize youre nonbinary. you tell them you consider yourself a woman and a man at the same time, or anything in between, or have any kind of attachment to masculinity, and they immediately mentally categorize you as a man. it doesnt matter how you present, what you say, whether it's online or offline---if you're amab and don't fit the bill of being "woman enough" people online will go "thats a man" end of sentence.

the most painful part is that it comes from everybody. it comes from the cis lesbians that called that amab nonbinary person on tiktok a rapist for saying they liked when bi women primarily attracted to women were into them. it comes from the "femboy" obsessed tme transmascs and nbs who don't take your concerns about their transmisogyny seriously. and rarely, but most hurtfully, it comes from other trans women. anyone else remember when lesbianchemicalplant endlessly harassed a trans girl on here for daring to call her attraction to men gay? I do. I do because I saw it at a vulnerable time in my development and it made me repress myself for years because I thought being gay for men and a trans women were the most mutually exclusive things in the world and daring to say you can connect to both of those will get you labeled a Fake Transfem that's doing it for clout. i STILL get a feeling in the back of my mind that whenever i mention being a transfem after talking abt being a gay man people will be like "dont be ridiculous you're not REALLY transfem".

this of course comes from the fact that trans women are held to an impossibly high standards of femininity. you have to be a Capital W Woman to be taken seriously. meaning, of course, that you have to have long hair and thin shoulders and wear dresses and be skinny and short and attractive and usually white (unless they have a fetish for black women, then you can be black IF you hit the rest of those criteria). no matter what you can't be anything CLOSE to a man. make sure you take hrt and get The Surgery too and throw in some breast implants while you're at it.

if you're not rejecting every single part of you that could at all be associated with masculinity you're not even trying, you're just a man, you're just like all other men, and they don't have to care what you say about how you're treated. that type of transmisogyny is so deeply ingrained in literally everyone and its so depressing. it comes back to haunt ALL transfems but the way nonbinary transfems are treated is a perfect example of it.

[thefanficmonster]

Few Too Many

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warnings: Swearing, In-game violence and death, Suggestive comments

Genre: Protective fluff, Humor, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Jealousy is a dangerous thing, especially when the jealous person is armed with a gun....in a game of Counter Strike. At least Y/N’s friend will now know not to mess around and flirt with her, especially not with Corpse around.

Requested by 🐐 Anon. Hi dear! Thank you so much for your request! Sorry it’s taken me so long to complete and post your request but here it finally is! I didn’t want to make it IRL violence to avoid triggering anyone while I also felt it’d be very ooc for Corpse to beat someone up but I still hope you enjoy the fic if you come across it and read it! Love, Vy ❤

“Hey everyone!“ Y/N greets her squad as they all customize their characters while I sit there, observing and unknowing of what I’m supposed to do. “I invited Corpse to play with us today, hope y’all don’t mind.”

“Of course not! Nice to finally meet you, Corpse. We’ve heard a ton about you from Y/N, thanks for making our girl the happiest she’s ever been.“ One of her friends says, the tone of his voice suggesting he’s only half-joking with the dad like comment he made.

“Nice to meet you too, man. Glad I’m the one she gave the chance of making her happy. That’s all I ever wanna do.“ Though it may sound cheesy, as guys, her friends can probably read into how genuinely I mean what I’ve said.

Dating a girl with only guy friends has it’s pros and cons. Which outweigh which is still up for debate since I’m still researching, but so far so good in my opinion. This is the first time I’m interacting with them directly so I’ve still got a long way to go in terms of getting to know them and the details of their relationship with Y/N better. Regardless, I at least know they can easily understand me and put themselves in my shoes if I ever ‘mess things up’ with Y/N and she goes to complain to them - something that will most likely never happen. I’d never dare make this girl upset. Chances are, if I do, her friends won’t get to me on time - I would deliver my own punishment just the way I think I deserve it. However, there’s also the chance of them getting super protective of her and ganging up on me over something as small as a fight. By the many things and stories Y/N’s shared with me about them, I believe they wouldn’t think twice about kicking someone’s ass for her. They’re not massive dudes - I’ve seen pictures of them - but I for one don’t ever wanna see em angry.

“Ay bro, what’d you do to score our best girl? You must know what she likes. If so please, by all means, do tell.“ One of them, not the one who was previously talking, speaks up, his words making me furrow my brows in both confusion and irritation.

I open my mouth to complain as I slowly start cracking my knuckles when Y/N and her friends beat me to it. Thing is, Y/N’s friend group consists of three guys and her and yet four voices scolded the guy that made that suggestive comment. That being said, this guy probably isn’t considered to be one of her friends, at least not one that’s a permanent part of her friend group.

“Seth, cut it out!“ The guy I was previously speaking to says sharply before softening his tone to refer to me, “Sorry about my brother, excuse his lack of brain cells, please.“

Just then, I also receive a message from someone. Checking my phone, turns out it’s Y/N who by the way is currently in the living room while I’m in the recording room. Her text reads:

Y/N ~ Ignore Seth. I told Leo to not invite him but he’s still here somehow

I send her back a quick reassuring text before answering the guy I now know is named Leo, “No worries, it’s fine.”

“See? The guy can take a joke, you’re all just freaking out over nothing!“ Seth laughs, reminding me and the others of how loud he is compared to us.

Despite acting like it’s no big deal, I can’t help but admit to myself that this behavior of Seth’s has awoken a deeply buried suspicion of mine that’s not only mine but also arises in every guy whose girlfriend hangs out with a lot of guys. It’s not that I don’t trust Y/N - she could literally blindfold me and tell me to walk through a pool of lava, promising it wouldn’t hurt and I’d do it - but we all know about that saying that every guy in a group with one girl has liked said girl at least once.

Disturbing to think these four, including Seth five, dudes could’ve possibly been my competition at some point. It’s nice that they’re all super chill about it, mostly cause some of them have girlfriends as I was told.

Nevertheless, we get over that hiccup and carry on with the small talk and preparations for the game. Since it’s my first time playing CSGO, Y/N, Leo and her other friend Clancy explain the mechanics to me in detail to avoid me getting confused mid-game and getting myself killed. When they finish, we start the round and wait for the game’s algorithm to separate us into two teams which Y/N jokingly refers to as cops and robbers. Unfortunately, the end result of that separation ends up being me getting put in the terrorists’ force with Leo and Clancy while Y/N’s with the FBI, partnered with Seth and her other friend Evan.

“Alright, team, we shall now disperse. Corpse, remember, if you see more than one of them, radio in and lay low, we’ll be with you as soon as possible.“ Leo informs me as he runs off in one direction, Clancy going in the opposite. I confirm I understand and go along my way too, heading for this ancient looking structure that looks like it could belong in an old-timey movie. 

Walking in, I realize the place is way bigger than it appeared on the outside. A quick look up confirms that there are three fucking floors above, not to mention that the ground floor is huge. Luckily, there are many crates and barrels to hide behind if I come across an FBI agent. I sure as hell hope it’s Y/N, I could maybe even try talking her into giving me a second chance at life and pretend she never saw me. Come to think of it though, I’d probably prefer getting killed by her rather than her friends - especially Seth.

Given that we’re in a Discord call, I can hear all the conversation going on. They are all quiet though, I can just periodically hear the mumbles of someone muttering to themselves as they navigate the map cautiously out of fear of running into their opponent unprepared. The silence is put to an end though when Seth speaks up, addressing Y/N.

“Yo, your boyfriend’s with the terrorists, ain’t he? That’s like the universe giving you a sign that y’all shouldn’t be together.“ The fucker laughs at his own joke while I can literally hear Y/N rolling her eyes.

“Have you heard of Romeo and Juliet, Seth?“ She asks sarcastically, almost getting a chuckle out of me but I suppress it to avoid getting caught listening in.

“Yeah, they both die at the end. Fucking boooriiinngg.“ Just then, I spot two silhouettes entering the building. Aiming my gun at them reveals their names - just the people I’m currently involuntarily eavesdropping on. Seth and Y/N don’t notice me though so I quickly duck behind a crate and prepare to radio in when Seth continues verbally torturing Y/N and dancing on my last nerves, “I personally think the friends-to-lovers trope is far more interesting...“

Did this guy just- no, he’s gotta be fucking kidding me

I’m left with my jaw hanging in disbelief at this guy’s audacity. I have no doubt Y/N’s about to put him in his place herself but I just gotta have my own chat with this guy. And by ‘chat’ I mean I mindlessly rush out from behind the crate towards where I saw him and Y/N and open fire on him.  I hear his startled and upset screams with Y/N’s laughter in the background. She doesn’t try to stop me as a teammate of his should and would, instead she just observes the scene unfold, laughing her ass off.

“Yo man what the fuck was that for?!“ I hear Seth’s yell but only faintly since the sound of gunshots is still echoing through my headphones. Yeah, I’m not done shooting this fucker.

“Corpse...Corpse, buddy...“ Y/N manages through fits of laughter she cannot tame, “That’s a few too many bullets, he’s already dead.”

“And that was a few too many comments for him to be let off the hook.” I answer as sharply as I can with the new-formed smile on my face. What can I say, her happiness is contagious.

“Well, you got your first kill in CSGO. Good job, babe! I’m super proud of you!” She cheers for me, clapping her hands excitedly. 

“Nah that was my first overkill.“ I quickly add, with a more threatening tone: “And it won’t be my last.”

“Let’s just hope there aren’t few too many of these overkills either.“ She snickers.

“That doesn’t depend on me, babe.“ I say smugly, suggestively enough for Seth to pick up the dropped hint. Mother fucker’s officially been put in his place and I couldn’t possibly be happier - with the added bonus of getting a ton of laughter out of Y/N who also decides to walk away, leaving me unharmed but promising to shoot to kill next time she sees me.

I’m ok with that. She could kill me anyday.

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[mrs-march-ahs]

How would the Evans react to you coming out as Bi.

How the Evans Would React To You Coming Out As Bisexual

warnings- slight smut, sexualisation of bisexual women

Tate

-Would be super proud of you for telling him - “I just think girls are so hot Tate-” - “Mmm don’t we all” - “But like boys are- - “You’re so right” -When you’d watch a film together he’d keep asking you if you find that girl hot, or that one, or that one -He’d really want to know your type - “So would you be top or bottom?” - “I think top” - Would get super excited, and subtly ask you to dominate him -You’d be able to watch much more porn together which would make him super happy

Kit

-Because of the time period I don’t think he would understand right away -He would ask a million questions, but respectfully -When he knew everything he wanted to know, he would smile -He’d tell you he loves you and supports you no matter what -Because he’s always willing to teach his kids to be accepting, he would explain it to them -One day when he was playing with Barbies with Julia, she would point out that daddy needs to buy her a Ken doll, because she only has Barbies and she wants to play wedding -He’d explain to her that you can have girls who love girls and she could make a wedding for two girl Barbies -Julia singlehandedly would start a Barbie Lesbian Uprising -All her female barbies would be married to each other and Kit and you would laugh about it -If you ever did get her a Ken doll, he would be the pastor to the weddings, not the groom

(Pre-Death) Kyle

-You would be super nervous to say anything to Kyle -One day when you were about to go out for dinner, he’d ask you if everything was okay because you looked a little nervous - “Yeah yeah… Ky I was just… I’ve been meaning to tell you that I think… I’m bi” - “Ah okay, glad you got that off your chest, are we going Indian or McDonalds?” -You’d look at him a little weird and then laugh about it, and he would barely mention it -But later than night before you went to bed, he’d kiss your forehead and remind you that you never need to be nervous telling him anything -If anybody ever said anything shitty about it, he would straight up fight them -He’d not a violent person but if any of his frat brothers dared to make inappropriate jokes or say anything even remotely bad about it he would throw hands - “Look Ky, your girl is talking to Madison over there, looks like you got some competition” - “Well Jared I hope you speak sign language cause all you’re about to see are these fucking hands-”

Post-Death Kyle

-Wouldn’t understand, but also wouldn’t really care -If you did explain it to him, he would nod along but not really understand -In his mind, you’re not attracted to other people, just him -He doesn’t understand that you are capable of feeling an attraction to other guys or girls -Your world revolves around him, your lap is always for him and your chest is for him to snuggle to -You’re all his, so you can be attracted to whoever you like -He’s jealous of the attention you give dogs nevermind other people

Jimmy

-Would find it kind of hot -Would at least ask to have a threesome with another girl so that he could watch you make out -If you agreed and did it, he would have a raging hard on the whole time watching, and would be happy touching himself while you girls did something -Maybe you could ‘put on a show for him’ -After that night, he would barely ever mention it -He’d accept you fully -Every so often you’d go to a diner together and you’d look at the waitress - “How come you’re allowed to look at other girls, but if I did that I would be sleeping on the couch?” - “You can say she’s hot Jimmy”… “Go on, say she’s hot” - … - “Nah this is a trap”

James

-I don’t think he would care at all -You’re his and only his, it doesn’t matter if you’re attracted to every other person in the world, you’re not allowed to look at anybody else -He would just be jealous around literally everybody, not matter how much you explained to him that you still have a type of girls you like -Wouldn’t even want Liz to hug you or kiss you because he’d be jealous -But all this possessiveness, though hot at first, would piss you off -You’d sit him down and make it very clear that you are faithful and always will be, and being attracted to girls and guys doesn’t change that you love him -He would sit there being told off and nod along -He wouldn’t be as possessive anymore, but every so often if you talked to a girl at the bar, he would take you to your room and make sure you only moan for him - “Think her nimble feminine fingers could touch you like this?”

Kai

-He’d find out during pinky power 

-He’d never say bisexual, he’d say greedy or confused or something crappy -Would be pretty shitty about it 

-Would maybe even make you ‘prove it’ 

-He’d sit you down with Winter and make you kiss 

-There would be no right answer, because if you refused to kiss her, to him that meant that you lied about being bisexual and he would be mad at you 

-If you did kiss her, he would be super pissed that you’re kissing somebody else (even if he asked for it) 

-He would get on another level of jealousy, he wouldn’t let you be alone with Winter 

-Would be a hypocrite about it even though he’s totally bisexual himself

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

okay so i’ve been going crazy these past few days. all about cockles/jensmish and obsessively watching their panels or reading the transcripts BECAUSE. THEY ARE LOUD. LIKE. i saw some fancams on twt and i thought people were just exaggerating but noooooooooo!!!???? so, getting to the point. you said that how do we know that jensen is performing masculinity? because jared isn’t and THAT IS A BIG BRAIN MOMENT. ON POINT. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. a particular moment from gag reel that jumps out (which you’ve talked about) when jensen goes ‘cas, you are my baby daddy’ and misha goes, ‘i know i love you too’ and jensen goes, ‘i didn’t say i love you’ and misha goes, ‘i know you wanted to’ and jensen says, ‘i love you’ WHAT THE FUCK! that was NOT a joke. yes, people took it as a joke and had a good laugh BUT I HAVE WATCHED IT TOO MANY TIMES AND IT LIVES IN MY MIND RENT FREE BECAUSE IT WAS NOT A PERFORMANCE. THAT WAS JENSEN. THAT WAS MISHA. jensen has a had trouble with the pda and being all touch feely (the breakup theory) and he gradually grew into it, accepted it and misha was right there all along, never pushed it. it was like a deancas au but tbh, 99% of destiel is because of cockles and we all know it. i just. jensen has latched onto dean as an emotional support because he tunes with it. understands it. projects on to it. yeah, i just had to say it and get it off my chest. (and what about those poetry pages on instagram? alma? what is your opinion?) btw, you have a lovely blog and your analysis are right on target.

so there is a LOT i’m going to address here(how dare you bring up [gunshot] i HAVE to talk about it now) so again!!!! under a cut it goes but i hope you appreciate my rambles anon it seems like you do :,)

1. jared vs. jensen and performing masculinity. hell yeah man. jared and jensen are both just ‘guys from texas’ but they are still so vastly different. today i actually had a revelation that i’m pretty sure has to do with me being bi. and it’s that i have a group of straight friends(that i love dearly but they care too much about hockey and pitbull imo could not be me) and i have a group of queer friends(who are also batshit[affectionate]). and it’s like whichever group i hang out with a different side of me emerges? they’re both me, it’s just that certain aspects of who i am as a person only surface depending on who i am around. however, i will say i feel like i watch what i say around my straight friends more. i see that very clearly in jensen as well. around jared during panels and on set, he’s definitely putting on an air of machismo and engages in typical guy talk. i do think an element of it is performative, because he wants validation from jared that they’re still just two dudes from texas taking on the world together despite his sexual identity. does that make any sense??? i hope so. but when he’s with misha he is an entirely different person and his sense of humour becomes wildly different. the machismo fades away, he’s way less caught up in what people think about him, lets his guard down, etc. to go back to my original point which is how j2 are different in that regard....jared does not do this. he is a constant. he does not flip a switch between ‘performing masculinity’ and ‘not’ because he isn’t performing any part of who he is. he just IS. so yeah these two are similar in many regards but there’s somewhat of a dissonance between them when it comes to how they perform masculinity because one of them is putting on a show and the other is merely being.

2. that crypt scene blooper(here just in case you need to see it again. do it. as a treat.) when i tell you i have easily seen this over thirty times??? since it first came out??? i mean it. it is such an overlooked(r*mantic) moment and it means so much more than people think it does. i’ve talked about the context behind it, and i think that’s why this blooper was so meaningful, so i’ll mention it again. jensen and misha had a LOT of trouble with this scene. the reason is that jensen couldn’t wrap his head around why dean would be saying these things, if i remember correctly, and both of them sat down and scoured over how they should play it for a while before filming(teamwork ;) teammates *ahem*). [to be honest we all know why jensen had a hard time with that scene and it is because it is blatantly romantic. rip to him but i would simply give in to it at that point but oh well] so anyway, their heads were scattered going into shooting, which is NEVER a good headspace to be in for a scene, ESPECIALLY not a pivotal one. but they had each other to help them through said weird energy on set that couldn’t possibly have invoked the best feelings, especially considering jensen STILL doesn’t think he played that correctly(but he praised misha on his performance :,) ). and with that context every single part of that video hits haRD 

-’stop pulling my face towards your crotch’ i think this is objectively hilarious because it really really looks like jensen is pulling HIMSELF towards misha’s crotch. again, you’re fooling no one, jensen. misha’s wheezing laugh and the way he wraps himself around jensen is also,,,sweet??? like i don’t know how else to describe how i see it but this moment really reads as jensen, in his weird ‘constructing elaborate rituals’ way is asking for security through a physical touch from misha and he happily obliges and gives jensen what he needs. because i mean...watch it again. jensen ‘fights back’, but not really at all, actually. pretty wimpy counterattack. he literally lets himself be smothered by misha, and i would literally describe what they end up doing as cuddling. 

-’i need you, cas. you’re my baby daddy’ i love having an actor’s perspective on things bc i think i can explain what’s going on here. jensen just delivered what was(in his own mind) a rotten take of the lines he’s most scared of delivering. so the scene was already messed up. therefore; ensuing fuckery is warranted to help him feel better. but there’s also for sure more than meets the eye for what he says here because of misha’s reaction after??? like he seemed genuinely touched. first of all, he’s saying ‘you’re my baby daddy’ as half-jensen, but not necessarily dean either(because he didn’t say the previous lines as true to his character...you get it), to misha, not cas. i think i’ve made this point before, but every single innuendo in the gag reels is to misha specifically, never once cas. therefore; logical conclusion: ‘you’re my baby daddy’ was for misha and it meant something deeper than we think because of what follows it

-this part. jensen’s giddy ass smile after he sees misha crack and then misha says ‘yeah, i know’ (can i just say his voice when he says this is so intimate???? like am i intruding guys??? sorry i’ll let myself out) also he is smiling SO BIG

- ‘i know’ ‘why are you laughing?’ ‘no i know i love you too’ this analysis is already so long but i still want to get into what THAT whole exchange means. ‘why are you laughing?’ to me sounds like jensen’s pretending to be affronted by misha laughing at something that is serious. and it’s serious because he quite literally meant ‘i love you’. he did. misha knows it. misha’s really REALLY good at cutting the bs and just getting to what people are actually trying to say. he has an innate sharpness to his sense of humour. so yes, misha is being 100% accurate when he says ‘i know, but you wanted to say it.’ misha isn’t lying here. jensen did want and mean to say ‘i love you’. and then he actually does say it(in a jokey way but not really). 

- so yeah. it is actually so romantic??? like in a weird way jensen was professing his love for misha here?????? and that’s why this clip will NEVER. ever. get old. 

3. jensen having trouble with pda and projecting onto dean: we can all call ourselves dean coded cas girls but NO one deserves that title more than jensen ackles himself. he is dean winchester but marginally less repressed because he actually did admit he was in love with his best friend and let himself be happy, and pretty early on too. one year and two months as opposed to twelve years. so. happy deancas au is correct. and yes about the pda thing: one day i want to write my own post about both of their body language when it comes to each other, but all i can tell is jensen, even in the early days, couldn’t help himself from flirting with misha, but if misha ever crossed a line, jensen would not be happy. clearly he’s come around, however. what i find sweet is that misha always follows jensen’s lead when it comes to how much affection they’re allowed to show each other onstage. it touches my soul

4. destiel is cockles fault. yeah. and the thing is everyone knows it, too. even non-cockles shippers will explain early destiel as entirely dependant on jensen and misha’s wild chemistry. and that chemistry is easily explained by the fact that misha and jensen are literally just wildly horny bisexuals who were crazily attracted to one another and were falling in love on screen before our very eyes. and when you have THAT insider info(which sounds cray doesn’t it!!!! the destiel actors are in love irl??? huh???) everything really does click into place. why destiel got SO popular when the show and actors never ever intended for it to happen.(i know some people think misha was playing cas as gay the whole time for shits and giggles, and i won’t deny that[especially considering he found out early on that destiel was why he was staying on the show], but i don’t think he really wanted it to amount to anything, nor did he care??? i mean he has the real thing with jensen, for one, so their characters aren’t really as important. for two, he loves joking about destiel because it’s a cultural phenomenon and it’s fascinating, and i’m sure he did ship it because he’s unhinged, but i don’t think it was vastly important to him either way.) destiel got popular because everyone was and is unintentionally reading into the real deal. i could pull up countless gifs that people have used as destiel proof that is actually just jensen and misha being messy. mainly jensen. if i’m being honest.  the symbiotic relationship between destiel and cockles is why i’ve stayed onboard the destielcule and shellerscape for three solid months now; because it is utterly fascinating to witness and kind of super beautiful, too. 

5. alma(and others). so. i do NOT want to really REALLY get into this in its entirety here and now so i will just give you my opinion on if i think alma is misha or not. also; i don’t want to mention the other poetry accounts here bc i feel like that’s a bigger breach in privacy, but a lot of people do know about alma now. way too many, actually. this is why we can’t have nice things. anyway-to answer your question-there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that yes, misha is running that alma poetry account. i am 100% certain. some people think it’s actually three people and they’re all connected to misha in some way but that is so needlessly complicated. as it goes in psychology; the easiest explanation is probably the right one. it’s just one person running that account, and it is misha collins. i don’t know why it’s so hard to believe KNOWN POET misha collins(who is known to spend most of his free time writing poetry anyway) would have created a secret poetry account to write about his intense secret relationship under an alias and also get legitimate feedback since no one used to know it was him. oh and the handwriting is identical??? you are blind if you do not see that i am sorry. and a million other things prove it’s misha too but yeah all you need to know is yes. it’s him. it would take a literal livestream from a random woman on that account to convince me otherwise. and honestly not even that because a random woman could technically still log in if misha asked her too. so. it would take a hell of a lot to convince me otherwise, clearly. that said DO NOTTTTTTTTTTTT GO ONTO THAT ACCOUNT WITH A SUPERNATURAL RELATED USERNAME AND COMMENT THINGS THAT ARE COCKLES RELATED. ARE YOU BRAIN DEAD WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT’S OKAY. sorry i got heated but god please just don’t be dumb so many people have already gone way too far 

6. thank you for your lovely compliment on my analyses!!! i love doing them but i don’t know if people actually like reading them so i really appreciate it

[nomoregoldfish]

I Promised You The Moon rant

Just binged it and this was from the episode by episode reaction/discussion with my partner in crime @glossyboy.

First of all, Oab stole the show, singlehandedly, which he's not supposed to. I don't think anyone expected it including himself. In the very top post when I searched his name on tumblr, he said this lol

But the truth is he played one hell of "villain" that required a very nuanced performance and he delivered it in a believable and graceful manner. Jai became the catalyst of the entire season and his rather complicated relationship with Teh was the highlight of part 2.

EP 1

From the very beginning it's clear that part 2 is very much a Teh's story rather than a balanced story about two young people's journey as a couple in the next chapter of their lives. It makes me uncomfortable they made Oh-aew clingy and pessimistic without giving him any character development.

The best part is probably the opening scene where they went paper-rock-scissors to decide who's gonna buy condoms. It felt authentic, the expectation, the hesitation, the mischievous act, all fits their characters well. Other times ep 1 was more like two adult kids playing house, literally in an empty giant ass upper middle class apartment.

EP 2

It's great that they poked the femininity vs. masculinity issue through Oh-aew, but stopped right there at the surface. Missed a perfect opportunity to go head-to-head with the controversial topic, start a debate, crush the stigma of femininity, bring something new, be a real game changer of the BL genre, and most importantly give Oh-aew some concrete character development. Part 1 showed us a gay character that's very comfortable with his sexuality and femininity, that's almost revolutionary in Asia, not as a comic relief but a leading role. Oh-aew questioned his own sexual identity once in that bra wearing scene, it's straight out of comfort zone, BOLD, and transgressive. So I expected more from part 2.

That's it? And they're already sophomores? Can't believe Oh-aew's character has been marginalized like this. It's pathetic.

But I love the brutally honest conversation at the end where Teh vented his rage and despair regarding his frustration of acting. He was acting like a dick because he's disappointed, and scared. Teh again was not afraid of showing vulnerability, making the reconciliation very realistic and touching.

EP 3

Dare I say I freaking love ep 3! The unresolved (partially sexual, but not entirely) tension between Teh and Jai was over the roof! And the built-up to their kiss was very authentic, which paled Teh and Oh-aew's much sidelined storyline, including the long anticipated sex scene (still can't believe it happened right after Jai explicitly instructed Teh to do it after the two spent a whole night bonding, like wow! Totally TRANSGRESSIVE and to some extent, kinky.) Teh looked up to the senior, idolized him, wanted to be good for him and make him proud, thirsted for the validation from him, which was mixed with affections. The workshop diary was a brilliant idea to let them open up to each other and eventually bring them close. This was what a meaningful arc of a story looked like. By contrast, there isn't a single moment between Oh-aew and Teh in part 2 that made me go "Damn it's soooooo hot!"

I know Jai/Teh wasn't the endgame but I appreciate the storyline so much. It's a very bold move considering it broke the over-glorified "one true love in one's life" fantasy of its target audience, mostly young cis women. The popular narrative of "you can only love one person through your life/one true love" in romance fictions/chick flicks was totally smashed. And it wasn't written just to stir up things between Teh and Oh-aew, it wasn't a silly fling. Instead, it's meaningful, complicated, natural, and realistic, delivered by nuanced and excellent acting from two young actors. It's hilarious that fans hate Jai with a passion and call him names.

And big news, Jai is bi?! Bravo! He's radiating bi vibes since his first appearance.

I kind of gave up at this point, the season wouldn't do Oh-aew any justice. Like my partner in crime pointed out, the costume design literally threw some "incongruous female fashion pieces" on Oh-aew, made him dye his hair red, without...making any actual point of his personality or his character development. Wardrobe was supposed to make a point in storytelling. Yes, PP wearing pink is cute, and? There's nothing else for Oh-aew. Unfortunately he's reduced to this sulky, crying, and wronged partner in a failing relationship.

EP 4

Oab again was killing it. The tension between Jai and Teh...from the rehearsal in front of Oh-aew to the dressing room pep talk, was incredibly intense and hot AF.

Was it a manipulative relationship after all? Oab was so good at conveying a character with many faces. Jai's a mentor to Teh, also a good friend, their relationship was genuine. He's also ambitious with his own goals, he used, challenged, provoked Teh in a way that benefited them both. It made sense the title of part 2, I Promised You The Moon, was from Jai's script. He promised Teh what the junior wanted the most, a bright future in acting. Teh's unconventional and unspoken feelings for Jai was the best part of the entire season in terms of creative writing, it's complicated, fragile, delicate and completely heartbreaking.

The after talk in the hallway was so well-written. It's funny (Teh joking about playwrights always write about their EXs is gold), intimate yet meticulously controlled, no one lashed out or wept. Both knew what they signed up for and Jai particularly made it clear about his motive and the purpose of the "special workshop" beforehand (or right away.) Yet it's no one's fault that Teh got carried away. He's younger, he's immature, he's more into it, it's totally natural. It's so romantic when Teh's singing karaoke in the bar with Oh-aew, yet he couldn't help but desperately staring at Jai on the floor, knowing he and the man who just turned him down were never gonna happen, they were done, but he's still madly attracted to him and his talent. He fancied Jai, at least the idea of Jai, a playwright, a director, someone knew him better than himself. That hurt beautifully.

EP 5

Teh/Oh-aew endgame at this point was pretty meaningless. Oh-aew as a leading character never got any solid character development over a span of four years. What happened between Jai and Teh wasn't just "cheating", though they surely made it look that way, like Teh's empty promise of "I won't see him again after the show ends". No matter how Oh-aew and Teh eventually reconciled, there's no emotional connection, no sparkle anymore between the couple.

But I knew for a fact they had to. Otherwise it's too much of a risk financially for the series. The creators had to take the easy way out like most traditional romances—one of the most contrived and formulaic trope where the male leading character made a mistake (usually cheating) and realized he's wrong, he deeply hurt the female leading character (Oh-aew was merely a girl substitute in part 2), then he completely changed for hell knew what reasons, started doing every nicest thing in the world to try to "win" the female character back. It has been feeding the emotionally-deprived cis female readers/audience who are frustrated with heterosexual relationship irl for decades. The formula that made romance outsell other genres of fictions combined in the 60s and 70s still sells today, under the name of boys' love. It's pathetic to see Oh-aew confess to Bas that he always "lost" to Teh. Love shouldn't be some kind of game or competition, there isn't winner or loser in love. Love is spontaneous. Oh-aew didn't lose because Teh developed feelings for someone else, and he didn't win when Teh begged him for reconciliation. People change, people move on.

And as predicted, they went for it. The ending was so absurd and tedious.

Overall, Jai's probably the hardest villain to play, he needed to be REALLY GOOD to be "the bad guy", to make his role conceivable. Oab absolutely nailed it with his talent and experience. He's not even my type or extremely good looking yet I'm 100% SOLD. I immediately re-watched the scene of him kissing Teh back hungrily at the end of ep 3 like I used to re-watch Teh/Oh-aew's steamy make out session at the end of episode 3 part 1. Coincidence?

I like some parts of both seasons for the same reason, each challenged and tried to break some outdated/contrived narratives in the BL genre. Part 1 took on the sexuality taboo by showing two same sex characters sexually attracted to each other, no more "I'm not into boys, I just happened to fall for someone of the same gender" or "pure love" bullshit. By staying true to the characters' sexuality and actually showing it with explicit, intense (and beautifully shot) scenes, the gay characters were normalized. They weren't just pure and innocent, no one was. And it created two of most unconventional gay characters in Asian pop culture, Oh-aew, a beautiful boy who's very comfortable with his own sexuality and femininity, not passive at all, taking initiative to pursue what he wanted; and Teh, a sensitive, caring and vulnerable boy who cried a lot, he's confused but also sweet and brave.

Part 2 tackled the "You can only love one person through your life" trope with a very nuanced story of "cheating". Yet neither carried out what they started. Part 1 fell short of a revolutionary piece that stayed true to "adolescent sexual turmoil", dismissing bisexuality and becoming a typical unrealistic BL fantasy in the end. And Part 2, ugh, forced a "happy ending" that almost no one digs. I understand it's extremely difficult and risky to disrupt the established norms of a genre. But sometimes being transgressive and progressive could be the same thing. A story, an artwork, has to challenge something in order to create something new and compelling.

[rubysunnday]

could i please request a shelby sister fic where sis is bi but is a little scared to come out, so her brothers (and sister) keep hinting that they're accepting so that she feels comfortable?

A/N: I disappear for a month and the first thing I post is a bisexual Shelby!sis and if that isn’t me in a nutshell then I don't know what is, lads.

There wasn’t a defining moment.

There wasn't a light bulb moment.

There wasn’t a sudden realisation featuring a montage of every time it was obvious.

All that happened was that you gradually realised that, as well as men, you liked women.

And then you moved on with your day.

It wasn’t until two months later you thought again and realised what you’d discovered. That was just how it worked sometimes. It was only then did you have the mental montage of every time it was bluntly obvious and you began to wonder how you hadn't realised before.

You were bisexual.

You weren’t entirely surprised, Finn had always said you had good taste in women. But, 1920′s Birmingham wasn’t exactly the most accepting place to be bisexual in. Nowhere in the world was, to be honest.

So, you kept it to yourself. You didn't want to stress anyone out or upset anyone in your family - you were still comprehending it yourself - and keeping it on the low seemed the best idea.

It wasn’t like you to hide things from your family. You were, quite literally, an open book. They knew everything about you.

Except that.

Even if you did tell them, you weren’t entirely sure how you’d even begin that conversation. Ada had rented out a room to a gay man named James, once, so you knew you’d probably be fine with her. But everyone else in the family was a different game.

You, unintentionally, came out to Finn first. Unintentionally because he'd actually been the one to bring it up.

“Y/N,” Finn said, stirring his drink around with a cocktail stick.

“Mmm?”

“Do you like girls?”

You choked on your drink, turning to stare at your brother as if he’d grown a second head. “You what?”

“I’m not being rude,” Finn said quickly, handing you a napkin to mop up the drink you’d spilt. “It’s just...you’ve been eyeing that singer all night.”

You felt your cheeks burn with embarrassment as you glanced over at the female singer on the stage who'd winked at you more than once during the night.

“And boys. Do you like girls and boys?” Finn asked, drawing you back to him. “Because you’ve also been staring at the piano player.”

You sighed, turning back to face Finn. “Alright, fine,” you said, swallowing away your nerves. “I’m bisexual.”

Finn nodded. “Cool.”

You blinked at him. “Cool?”

“Well, I mean, it’s kind obvious, y/n/n,” Finn said. “Every time we go out and there’s a performance, you end up eyeing the singer and at least one member of the band.”

You stared at him. “How long have you known?”

“How long have you known?”

“I asked first.”

“About six months, if I'm honest.”

You gaped. “I...I didn’t even know then!” You exclaimed, raising your hands up. “What the fuck, Finn?”

“Twin intuition, you know?” Finn said, smirking. “I know you too well, sis.” You muttered into your drink as Finn sniggered to himself. The singer started up again and you looked over your shoulder at her, giving her a little wave when she winked at you once more.

“She’s cute.”

“Don’t you fucking dare, Finn,” you told him, pointing a finger. “Don’t start setting me up.”

Finn chuckled, taking a drag from his cigarette. He eyed you and sighed softly, letting out the smoke cloud. “Have you told Tommy?”

You were silent.

“Y/N,” Finn said. “You need to tell him.”

You shook your head, lifting your glass up to your lips. “I don't need to tell anyone, Finn. I wasn’t going to tell anyone until you found out.”

“He’ll understand.”

“Maybe, maybe,” you muttered. “I’ll see.” Finn stared at you. “I said I’ll see, Finn!”

                                                         ~ 0 ~

​You didn’t tell Tommy.

You forced Finn to keep his silence, threatening to go as far as shooting him if he said anything before you did.

Finn, knowing you were deadly serious, kept his mouth shut.

It was coming up on four months since Finn had mentioned it when it was brought up again. This time, however, you were completely oblivious.

Every Sunday, you and Tommy would sit in his office – majority of the time in silence – and keep one another company. Tommy would work on any business he had left to do for that week, and you’d sit in a chair opposite him and either read or catch up on some work you had to do.

Tommy had been watching you, silently, for near on half an hour. You kept your eyes concentrated on your work, scratching away on the paper in front of you, but you could feel him looking at you.

And it was beginning to get uncomfortable.

“Alright,” you said, setting your pen down and looking up at him, “what is it?”

Tommy frowned, absently lighting a cigarette “Hmm?”

“Tom, you’ve been staring at me for the past half an hour,” you replied. “It’s getting weird.”

“Just…you know whoever you end up dating, I’ll support you,” Tommy said, exhaling a cloud of smoke.

You nodded slowly. “After interrogating them, I’m sure.” You smirked, shaking your head.

“I’m being serious, y/n,” Tommy replied. “Whoever you date, I’ll support you.”

You raised your eyebrows slightly, twirling your pen between your finger. “Ahuh, I heard you. Now, stop staring at me.”

                                                          ~ 0 ~

Two weeks later, it was brought up yet again. This time in the middle of a meeting.

Only this time, it was John who brought it up…significantly less delicately then your brother had.

“You know, y/n, when you start dating, I’d honestly prefer a girl to to a boy,” John said suddenly, stretching his arms behind his head.

“You make it sound like I’m pregnant, Johnny,” you replied, laughing. You paused.

You blinked.

You turned to look at John.

You looked at Finn.

“How?” You asked, looking at John, frowning. Your head snapped to look at Finn. “Did you tell him?”

Finn, with a genuine look of fear in his eyes, quickly scrambled up from his seat as you stood up and ran behind Ada. “Nope, no, I said nothing.”

“He didn’t have to, y/n, it’s obvious,” John replied, smirking. “Whenever we go out, you’re always eyeing up every woman in the bar and occasionally the men and you’re always flirting with the girl who sings at the Garrison every Friday.”

You sucked your teeth and sighed. “For fuck’s sake.” You turned to look at the rest of your family. “Did you all know?”

“I mean…it’s not like we didn’t try to tell you,” Arthur muttered.

You looked at Tommy. “What, is that what your ‘whoever you date’ was about?”

“I thought I was being obvious,” Tommy replied, shrugging.

You gaped at them. “I…”

“Oh, she’s speechless,” Polly said, chuckling. “That’s a first.”

You groaned. “Only you fucking lot would know before me,” you moaned, sitting down. “This isn’t fair.”

John snorted. “Try hiding it better next time, little sis. And maybe stop ogling every woman who smiles at you.”

“Shut the fuck up, John,” you replied, sticking your finger up at him. “No one fucking cares.”

[gay-jesus-probably]

Bisexuality didn't "feel right" as a label because you're biphobic and will do anything to distance yourself from bisexuality. Get well soon, the bi community will be here when you're ready.

Are you the raging homophobe anon back for round two or a new guy? ...It doesn’t really matter, you people are all the same.

If you are the same anon, then now I’m extra pissed off at you because do you have any idea how difficult it is to make fun of your messages? You’re making this really hard for me. First you send a five word ask declaring me a homophobe with no details, and it took a lot of thinking to come up with a vaguely funny response to such a lackluster prompt. You’re a really bad improv partner.

And now you send me this shit. Sorry everybody, no jokes today, now I’m actually just fucking furious.

Let me tell you a story, anon. When I was an innocent little twelve year old back in the far of reaches of 2011, I first discovered Tumblr, and soon enough I was learning about different genders and sexualities, and began exploring my own identity. As you already know since you’re sarcastically quoting me talking about my own fucking feelings, I’d been having a minor sexuality crisis for several years at that point, since gay, straight and bisexual were the only label I’d known before then, and none of them fit me. Despite me trying all of them. Multiple times. You condescending piece of shit.All this was resolved by me stumbling across a post defining pansexuality, and that being the first and only sexual identity that’s ever actually felt right for me. It clicked instantly, and has continued to be my sexuality for literally a decade now.

But back when I first started entering the queer community, pansexuality was actually pretty controversial. So was bisexuality. The two were just lumped together actually, because according to the exclusionists back then, bi/pan people are attracted to the opposite sex, and therefor are basically just straight. Actually they rarely cared enough to bother differentiating between bisexual and pansexual people, they just lumped us all in together as a bunch of heteros pretending to be gay for attention and oppressing the real gays. What a bunch of special fucking snowflakes, pretending to be gay for attention. So there I was, a twelve year old queer kid with a brand new identity, being welcomed by a bunch of exclusionists angrily yelling about how I was definitely just a hetero faking it for attention, and being pansexual was Wrong and Bad. But it was okay, because the exclusionists knew better than me. They knew how I really felt, and what my real identity was. They could fix me. I just had to agree with everything they said and become the person they decided I was supposed to be.

I didn’t do that.

Let’s jump forward a few years. I was older, and still perfectly confident in my identity as a pansexual. I hadn’t considered any other parts of my identity. Why would I? I just never really thought much about gender. Then shortly after my fourteenth birthday, I watched a short film online about a trans boy figuring out his identity and working up the courage to come out to his mother. I don’t remember what it was called or most of the details. All I remember was the last scene where the boy and his mother got into an argument about him not feminine enough, which ended with him screaming that he wasn’t a girl. And then I unexpectedly burst into tears because neither was I.

So that was a fun surprise. Once I pulled through that unexpected sobbing breakdown in the middle of the night and re-evaluated my entire life, I realized that yeah. I really wasn’t a girl. I wasn’t a boy either. Fortunately by then I knew that nonbinary people were a thing, so I had plenty of options. I spent awhile feeling things out and experimenting with different labels and pronouns before finally settling on agender and they/them pronouns. Which was great! I felt better than ever, and was confident that I had my identity down and everything would be fine. But everything was not fine. Because I’d been so happy about the biphobia dying down that I hadn’t quite noticed the exclusionists switching targets. Now the nonbinary people were lying. What a bunch of special fucking snowflakes, pretending to be queer for attention. The ones who wanted to medically transition were declared to actually be poor confused trans people who couldn’t get over their internalized transphobia to accept their True Identities. And the rest of us... well, we were just a bunch of cishet special snowflakes playing at being trans for attention, and oppressing the real trans people. I wasn’t agender. I was a cis girl making up fake identities for attention, and calling myself nonbinary was Wrong and Bad. But it was okay, because the exclusionists knew better than me. They knew how I really felt, and what my real identity was. They could fix me. I just had to agree with everything they said and become the person they decided I was supposed to be.

I didn’t do that.

Step forward a few more years, now to eighteen year old me. There’s no dramatic revelations or long struggles this time, just a slow realization. Because I’d been single for years, and I wasn’t bothered by that. I actually enjoyed it. Marriage didn’t sound very appealing. Neither did dating. I’d dated people before, but I wasn’t sure if I actually wanted to; it was just... the thing I was supposed to do. I found people attractive, sure. But I hadn’t wanted to flirt with anyone. Actually, now that I was thinking about it, had I ever felt romantically attracted to anyone? I didn’t even want romance in fiction! So I experimented. Went on some dates just in case age made it more appealing (it didn’t). Began calling myself aromantic, and was pleasantly surprised to find that the longer I used it, the better it felt. It was right.

But once again, the exclusionists were back and even angier than ever. Because now aphobia was in full swing. After all, asexuality wasn’t really queer. It’s just not having sex! It’s basically straight! What a bunch of special fucking snowflakes, pretending to be queer for attention. And the aromantics, oh the aromantics who weren’t asexual were even worse. Because everyone knows that love is what makes us human. How could someone not feel romance? Us aro people weren’t just lying about our identities, we were pretending to not have feelings so that we could get away with using people for sex without commitment. Being aro meant I was an abusive sex crazed monster taking advantage of all the poor innocent allo’s. I wasn’t aromantic. I was a sexual predator making up a fake identity to take advantage of people, and even though I wasn’t actually sleeping around calling myself aro was Bad and Wrong. But it was okay, because the exclusionists knew better than me. They knew how I really felt, and what my real identity was. They could fix me. I just had to agree with everything they said and become the person they decided I was supposed to be.

And I didn’t fucking do that.

Look. I’ve been here for a very long time, and I have dealt with so many versions of exclusionist bullshit. Every aspect of my identity has been met with random fucking strangers online smugly informing me that I was wrong about myself and they were right. And that’s just the ones that wanted me to pretend to be something else; about half of the exclusionists didn’t make any attempts at conversion therapy, and instead skipped straight to suicide baiting. I’m not even getting into the actual homophobes I’ve had to deal with, or the TERF’s that have come after me under the assumption that I’m a trans woman. My point is, I’m pretty fucking used to this sort of thing.

This just hurts a little more, because like I said earlier, the first round of exclusionism I faced was just expanded biphobia. And the bi/pan community banded together in the face of that. We weren’t the exact same identities, but we were being treated the same, and we were similar enough that nobody really minded the difference. It was wonderful. Bi and pan people were a tightly knit group, and that was a sense of community I desperately needed when I was young. I’ve been seeing this coming for awhile. There’s been increasing amounts of bi people getting drawn in by exclusionist bullshit, and I’ve seen anti-pansexual sentiment growing. I just... really hoped it wouldn’t get this far. It’s sad, y’know? It feels like losing an old friend. I’m really disappointed that you think trying to force people out of their community is right. It’s fucking pathetic, and I hope that someday you’ll rediscover basic compassion and realize how much damage you’re doing to yourself and others. This sort of thing doesn’t help the bisexual community. It drives people away. It’s like the damage that TERF’s have done to the lesbian community; this sort of thing poisons the whole well. I hope you re-evaluate what you’re doing and find a more healthy mindset.

...But also at the same time: Who the fuck do you think you are? Take your condescending bullshit and shove it directly up your ass you fucking waste of oxygen. How the fuck dare you. Do you realize the fucking audacity it takes to claim to know someone's identity better than they do? You self centered egotistical douchebag. Your parents should feel ashamed for having raised such an utter failure of a human being. I’d tell you to go fuck yourself, but I can already tell you beat off twice a day to how fucking clever you think you are. If you ever darken my inbox again you’d better be damn sure you keep it anonymous, because if I find you I’ll kick your fucking teeth in, you smug piece of shit.

[sergeanttpoliteness]

Spiderverse Gwen x Reader where The reader is out as les/bi/pan whatever and Gwen is scared to tell her she likes her?

 AND➝  Gwen is ready to start letting people back into her life after the events of Spiderverse. MJ, aware of Gwen trying to open her social circle, tells her about a nice girl from her apartment building and brings the reader along at their next band practice to introduce her. Gwen sets eyes on her and is VEEEERY attracted to this VEEEERY pretty girl.  In Gwen’s bisexual distress, she starts rambling nervously, and probably says something embarrassing about herself. MJ saves them from an awkward situation and starts band practice, Gwen doesn’t see reader outside of school again after that, but Gwen shamelessly stares at her during class. Gwen starts to overthink the situation and gets worried she blew her chance. Later, there’s a situation that she as Spider-Gwen saves reader from. Reader is minorly hurt but SG has to go before she can help reader as authorities arrive. Feeling guilty, her spider sense leads SG to the reader’s apartment, she goes to check on her that night. Confident with her mask on, she strikes up a conversation, compliments her and even drops a bit of a flirty remark about reader before taking her leave. I didnt know where to go from there I’m new to requesting so I hope this isn’t too long but I hope that’ll be enough to get the ball rolling? -🍀

deeply sorry it took me so long to get to these again! i changed a few things, but it’s pretty much still the same idea. i hope the nonnie who requested this finds it and doesn’t think i ignored them :( ily, y’all deserve better.

——-

➹she plays bass➹(spider-gwen x fem!reader)

That feeling when there’s a cute girl who plays bass in your band and you don’t know what the hell to do about it.

Gwen needs help figuring out her feelings. Like, immediately.

word count: 11.6k (oops i did it again)

a/n: i’m sorry this new fic is the size of the bible like the last one, i’ll try to make the next one shorter lmaooo. but it’s what my fave girl deserves due to the unacceptable lack of stories about her on this site. plus, i swear that once you read it it’s so much shorter than it seems. i’m hoping i can post at least one more story before the end of the year, but if i don’t, happy holidays and new year ! y’all were the best part about my 2019 :) hope whoever is reading this has a lovely week. mwah.

warnings: violence, guns, swearing.

——-

She played bass. 

You played bass, to be more specific. And Mary Jane Watson took satisfaction in believing that she was nice. More than simply ‘just nice’ on good days, even. Being the most courteous person was a duty she considered to be hers ever since she was six-years-old and accompanied that girl who always seemed to be left behind in the playground, and years later, in high school when she punched a creep hassling one of her bandmates. Last but most certainly not least, Betty Brant, bass guitar player of the Mary Janes, slipped and fell backwards one unfortunate evening, and she shot out her left arm behind her to break the fall and save her ice cream from hitting the ground. Good news: her ice cream did not hit the ground. Bad news, however, her left hand did— in an odd, twisted position. Needless to say, Betty Brant now had a broken wrist.

At first glance, they’re all unrelated events, stars belonging to separate constellations, and they would have remained so— undisturbed, simply coexisting in the same sky. That was, until Gwen came into the picture and drew a line connecting the bright flecks when she opened her mouth.

In the moment that she admitted to MJ that the idea of meeting new people sounded more appealing each day, she scribbled down the equation in her bandmate’s brain and hit ‘solve’. The redhead’s face lit up, putting to shame a Christmas tree as that sense of responsibility called for her attention. Immediately, she felt obligated to make the Nobel Peace prize-worthy move of texting her neighbor she just met, who also played the bass, to join them on the coming Saturday for band practice. That night, as she prepared to go to sleep, Em Jay cracked an accomplished smile at the reflection in her mirror.

However, two weeks had passed since your first practice with the Mary Janes, and MJ’s pride dove off from where it sat on her shoulder as she observed from afar with furrowed brows how Gwen so fucking blatantly ignored you after you tried to give her a high five. 

“What the hell was that?!” She hissed at Glory who stood beside her, cringing as you awkwardly dropped your hand and turned away from Gwen. Sighing, MJ rubbed her face with sheer desperation— a rather drastically different action from her naïve smile many nights ago. “I put an opportunity right on her fucking lap to make a friend, and she can’t act like a nice normal human being!”

Glory bit the inside of her cheek, sporting her own grimace. “I dunno, maybe they’ll click soon—”

“It’s been two weeks, Glory!” MJ whined. She crossed her arms across her chest, eyes narrowing into concentrated slits, and her gaze returned to an oblivious Gwen who shot at your back what she thought in her mind was a discreet glance. “I can’t let this fail. I gotta step in.” Glory raised a brow.

“Or you could just, you know, let them get to know each other at their own pace?“ 

“That’s dumb.”

Glory opened her mouth but gave up immediately, seeing MJ’s persistence as a lost cause she, in all honesty, did not want to waste any energy battling against that day. “Follow my lead,” MJ elbowed her, winking before she caught Gwen’s and your attention. “Who wants pizza? I do, and so does Glory. You guys want to go out and eat?“ 

“I don’t really feel like going out.”

“Glory, what the fuck?” MJ said under her breath, but later shook her head, a smile stretching across her face. “It’s fine! We’ll just go get it and we can eat here." 

Glory frowned. "But—”

“I mean, sure. I’m definitely in the mood for pizza.” You shrugged, the corner of your mouth lifting upwards. Gwen, however, eyed Glory with suspicion, who in return flashed her an apologetic smile. MJ clapped her hands together, cheering.

“Great!” She grabbed Glory’s hand and dragged her out of the room, glancing back at the two other girls. “We’ll be back in fifteen!”

Not even five seconds passed after they closed the door before you jumped off the couch and muttered to Gwen that you were going to the bathroom, an action that Gwen chose not to spend any time analyzing for her own sanity; but even if she had decided to, the ringing of her phone would’ve interrupted her nonetheless. After she took out her phone and saw MJ’s contact name, she let out the longest sigh in her entire seventeen years of living.

“Couldn’t you have just called for the pizza?” She went straight to the point— no greeting or anything, which left MJ stumped for three seconds, and surprised she had caught onto what was going on in record time.

“No, otherwise my plan wouldn’t have worked. You’re welcome, by the way.”

“What plan and why am I welcome?”

MJ scoffed. “I’m giving you another chance to talk to Y/N, seeing as you completely blew every other one you had.” Gwen perked one eyebrow, confused.

“How come?”

“She tried to give you a high-five and you left her hanging, Gwendolyn.” She said with an obvious tone. “And that’s just one example of many.”

Gwen sat straight, her eyes growing wide. “Wait, I did?”

“Yes, you fucking idiot!” Gwen shut her eyes closed, covering her face with her hand. “How did you not notice, it’s so painfully obvious she’s trying to be your friend but you’ve gained the award of dickhead of the day.”

Gwen rolled her eyes, although let out an amused huff of air through her nose. “Did Glory agree to this little plan of yours?”

MJ took a moment of silence. “No, but her opinion doesn’t really matter right now.”

“Yeah, I bet she didn’t, because it’s fucking stupid, Mary Jane.”

“Em Jay.” 

“You called me Gwendolyn.”

“Whatever,” MJ grumbled, “you asked for this, Gwen. Be thankful, ‘cause I’m really tryin’ here.”

Gwen heard you flush the toilet, and not too long after, the sound of the faucet running. “Hell, okay, fine.” She whispered into the phone. “She’s coming, I have to go.” Before MJ could utter a word, she ended the call right as you walked out of the bathroom and flashed her a tight-lipped smile. You sat back down on the couch, an obvious distance between you two. More time passed while you hunched over your cellphone and Gwen eyed you sideways, gripping her hands together in between her knees, her heart speeding up each time she dared to speak up, and her face heating up albeit she hadn’t directed a word at you yet.

She cleared her throat. “So!” 

You made eye contact with her and she felt obligated to flash you a nervous smile after the silence continued. Eventually, the corner of your mouth lifted upwards. “So what?” You questioned, curious. Gwen’s smile gradually fell. She should’ve contemplated what she was going to say first before she spoke. 

“…What’s your favorite pizza topping?” Gwen hit herself mentally. There literally was no excuse for why she was acting like this— hell, she herself couldn’t even find one. But, on the bright side (however, perhaps not so much for Gwen), whilst the girl was sure this was an agonizing and slow death from embarrassment, your amused grin widened with her visible anxiety.

“I don’t know. There’s a lot of options.” You shrugged, your attention moving back to your device. Gwen considered leaving you alone, seeing as this conversation very obviously wasn’t going anywhere, but that option disintegrated as soon as she imagined Em Jay intentionally delaying her arrival with Glory and the pizza so she could take full advantage of her ‘chance’, which she was ninety-nine percent sure was the case. 

“I really like pepperoni.” She blurted out. Your eyes momentarily traveled up to Gwen and you pursed your lips, nodding slowly.

“Cool.”

My God, you really were not collaborating even an ounce— it was a reach, but it was as if you were voluntarily trying to make this as difficult and socially traumatizing for Gwen as possible. Gwen scratched her head, searching for more conversation ideas, but her brain remained as empty as a desert in the middle of nowhere, except for the one tumbleweed happily rolling along its way which was her last idea, and the main purpose of this sad conversation.

“I’m really sorry for that high-five you tried to give me earlier,” Gwen muttered, incapable of looking at you straight in the eye for long. “Em Jay just told me about it.” 

Finally, you tore your concentration away from your phone and focused on Gwen. You didn’t know whether it was the seriousness of her voice combined with the absurdity of the sentence, but you found yourself struggling to hold back your giggles. Gwen’s eyebrows twisted with puzzlement as she saw your blushing cheeks and you biting your lip hard, your shoulders shaking ever so slightly.

“That’s… adorable. It’s alright. It happens to all of us, I guess.” You laughed out. In Gwen’s never-ending humiliation, she couldn’t discern your expression from simple amusement or judgment. 

Gwen stuttered, brushing her hair behind her ear. “Okay, cool. I-I just didn’t want you to think that I hated you or something like that.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I did not.” 

“Good. Because I don’t. Obviously.” She continued, forcing out a chuckle. “I really don’t.”

You smiled hesitantly. “Again… don’t worry, I get it—”

“I just, I wasn’t paying attention to you.” Gwen clarified but closed her mouth immediately, regret drying her throat. You pressed your lips into a straight line. “But I don’t mean that in a rude way, hah. I’m always looking at you.” She dug herself deeper and her eyes grew wide, a tense cough fleeing past her lips after you raised your brows.

“I mean, no, I’m not always looking at you, like, staring, but like, looking forward to whatever you have to say…?” She talked slowly, questioning her own words. “Why would I look at you, anyway?” Ah, fuck, that’s not what she meant.

Your expression transformed into an offended look and she rushed to correct herself. “No! I mean— you’re, like, very, very pretty, don’t get me wrong.” She let out a frustrated sigh, “Again, I don’t mean that in a weird way, I just—”

“Okay! I get it.” You stopped her and stood up, pointing at your phone. “I have to go, it’s pretty late, so I won’t be able to eat with you guys, but, uh… thanks anyway. Maybe next time.” You explained, uncomfortable. You both dubiously gestured goodbye to each other before you nearly ran out of the door. 

From then on, Gwen kind of wanted to hide in her room for the rest of her life, or at least from you; but sadly, she couldn’t do either. She could’ve moved on and just let it be a memory she could laugh about in the future, but she couldn’t hide what had happened to MJ— she retold her and Glory the encounter, and the trauma returned as Glory burst out laughing right in her face and Em Jay simply stared at her like a disappointed mother. Again, she really was determined to forget the whole ordeal, but later in the evening, when all she wanted to do was plop down on her bed and call it a night after another day of patrol, she answered her landline only for her ears to be attacked with MJ’s pleas for her to go fix things since ‘she was so embarrassed for her she literally couldn’t go to sleep’. Gwen hung up on her.

As she originally had intended before MJ disrupted her night, Gwen jumped onto her bed and rolled onto her back, promising in her head that she’d take off her suit in a minute. She stared up at the ceiling for longer than a minute, thinking about MJ’s words. What was the point in going to apologize to you again, anyway? Gwen wasn’t going to do it simply to please her. MJ could gladly go and shove her microphone up her—

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Gwen said to herself as she stood outside your school building. She looked down at her watch. She could’ve been doing so much right then. Someone was probably getting murdered, or a robbery was going on, and she had homework to finish, but she was wasting her time waiting in front of a school like the creep of the block. However, she thought she might as well stick to it in the instant that students began to swarm out of the entrance doors.

She considered leaving. It was her first thought when she ultimately saw you walking amongst the crowd, talking to your friends. You hadn’t noticed her. It wouldn’t make a difference if she spun and ran out of there, like a scared child fleeing from the monster living in her closet. You turned your gaze away from your friend whilst laughing, and similar to the demon (no offense) peeking through the slit in between the closet doors, you found yourself staring into a familiar pair of blue eyes.

There was no going back.

Gwen breathed in profoundly and flashed you a sheepish smile, waving weakly with her shoulders raised. She watched you say goodbye to your friends before you hesitantly approached her, your eyebrow lifted in a questioning manner. “Gwen?” 

“Yup. That’s me, hah…” She moved her hair away from her face after the wind disheveled it, brushing it behind her ear as she avoided your eyes. “I know you’re wondering—”

“What you’re doing here? Yes, yes I am.” You said, the humor distinctive in your voice, but Gwen scrunched up her nose, shaking her head.

“Don’t worry, I’m not… stalking you,” She laughed nervously and stopped herself before history repeated itself. “I would’ve texted you, but my phone…” Now has a bullet hole. “Broke. Em Jay told me I could meet you here.”

You folded your arms across your chest, shifting your weight to one leg. “Well, I’m here, you’re here, so what’s up? Did you want to continue talking about how you don’t pay attention to me?” You joked, tilting your head. 

Gwen winced slightly, cringing. “Actually, no.”

“Okay, good.”

“I came here to apologize. A real apology this time.”

You let your arms drop by your sides, interested and waiting for what she had to say. “I was really awkward. Painfully awkward, and I made you uncomfortable. So, I was hoping that we could maybe… start over again?” She held out her hand.

You briefly glanced down at it before glancing back up at her biting her lip anxiously. You giggled, nodding. “You’re so dramatic, dude.”

You shook her hand.

“So… we’re good?”

You smiled. “We’re good.” Gwen grinned back, her tooth gap having a peculiar effect in your stomach. She peeked at her watch a second time with the intent of leaving; but before she could say goodbye, you adjusted your backpack straps and spoke up. “Actually… now that you’re here, how about we go get something to eat?” 

Gwen blinked, her finger coming up to point at her chest. “M-me? And you?” You agreed with your head, laughing.

“Obviously, you dummy. I don’t see anyone else here.” You playfully punched her arm and she looked down at the spot, her eyes narrowed.

Ah, well. There was no going back.

If there was one thing, one enemy that constantly played with Gwen’s sanity, time was a top-three candidate which popped into her head immediately. Popped wasn’t perhaps even the correct word, for it remained there everlastingly as a nagging fear— a deafening, continuous tick-tock reminding her of how little, or what a painstaking amount of time she had in her hands, and all the things she could or could not do during it. Being Spider-Woman, pages and pages of school work, the Mary Janes, Mary Jane and Gwen’s duty to answer her messages the moment she received them, her aspirations, her dad— it messed with her brain, tangled all the connections into an indestructible knot she could purely helplessly stare at. But when she read the time and realized how late it had become, the panic merely bubbled and spread in her chest. Rather you laughed and she felt the necessity to look away from the numbers to focus on you, despite the tick-tock still present and blaring like a tsunami alert in her ears.

You sat facing her in the restaurant booth, smirking as you bit into a french fry. “You know, I gotta say, you impressed me quite a lot with your drumming.” Gwen bashfully moved a piece of lettuce around her plate, propping her chin upon the palm of her hand.

“You’re not so bad yourself.” She shrugged, smiling at you. You maintained your gaze on her for a moment until you shook yourself out of your odd trance, lowering your head.

“Thanks for hanging out with me. I was tired of hanging out with myself, you know?”

Gwen furrowed her brows, adamant on fixing her look on the most boring stray lettuce ever. “Why? You’re a fun person.”

“Really? ‘Cause it doesn’t seem like that’s what you think about me.” You teased her, masking the undeniable bit of hurt. 

Gwen’s finger’s movements came to a halt and she placed her hands on the table, leaning towards you. “What?! What do you mean?”

“Alright, then what do you really think about me?” You put your elbows on the hard surface and mimicked Gwen, a crooked smile adorning your features. Gwen bit her lip in thought, raising one shoulder.

“You’re cool.” She said simply, trying to appear nonchalant. An ‘oof’ slipped past your lips and you clutched onto your chest, dramatizing the insulted expression.

“That’s it? Just cool? I’m a bit hurt.” 

Gwen rolled her eyes, laughing. “What else do you want me to say?” 

“I dunno, last time you said I was— and I quote— ‘very, very pretty’” You recalled, using air quotes. Gwen scratched her eyebrow, left blank on what to reply because— oh, yeah right— she did, in fact, say that. 

The smugness lingered on your face as you waited for her to break down and repeat herself, but she composed herself and cleared her throat. “Hey, it’s not fair if you’re the only one asking questions! Being interviewed is hard work, you know.” She raised her hands defensively, her eyebrows lifted. You immediately caught onto what she was doing and pointed an accusing finger at her.

“You’re avoiding my question.”

“Well, where’s the fun in knowing all the answers to the universe?”

You had to agree. But you leaned back and crossed one leg over the other, accidentally (or was it?) nudging her leg with your foot. “I don’t know. I like honesty.” 

Oh dear, Gwen narrowed her eyes, her chest throbbing. “Hey—” The both of you jumped and looked at the source of the greeting— neither of you knew when exactly, but the waiter stood there with a polite smile, holding three menus close to his stomach. “Just letting y’all know that since Valentine’s Day is coming up, the milkshakes are on discount for couples.” Gwen leaned far away from the table, from you, and let out an uncomfortable chuckle.

“Oh, no, we’re not—”

“Oh, great!” You exclaimed and grabbed Gwen’s hand. “Do you want to share one, babe?” 

Gwen froze, her shoulders and the hand you clutched onto tense, prickling at your touch. You looked at her attentively, and your lovey-dovey eyes left her stunned, grabbed onto her voice and trapped it in her throat— intimidated her. She had to give it to you, though, your acting could fool anyone or leave anyone wondering…especially her.

Seeing as the seconds continued to pass and she never replied, you chose to take it as a sign that she was following you and you glanced up at the waiter. “We’d like a vanilla milkshake, please.” You smiled. 

Following the waiter’s departure, Gwen looked at you surprised. “I thought you liked honesty?” She laughed in disbelief, pretending to judge you intensely. You innocently picked up another fry, hiding your growing beam.

“Hey, I’m not gonna turn down a discount.”

Gwen giggled, shaking her head. “Fair enough. But you’re crazy.”

“But you still love me, right babe?” You smirked and lifted your connected hands. When Gwen realized she hadn’t let go yet, she first thought about pulling away. But she didn’t. Instead, she timidly squeezed your hand, forcing out a scoff.

“Right. Of course, babe.” 

Finally, you unclasped your hands and Gwen’s hand slowly curled into a fist as she considered something. “Hey, where are you headed after this?” She rushed out. You tilted your head.

“Home. Why?”

She swallowed her nerves, thinking about dismissing her own question and shrugging it off. She had to get back home as well, after all.

But she didn’t want to yet.

“Can I walk you back?”

The walk back to your place dragged on for longer than usual, and you both pretended to act shocked, as if it’d been a glitch in the matrix and time ticked away slower than normal; but in the back of your heads, the two of you knew it’d been no accident, that you weren’t too engulfed into your conversation enough that you ended up taking the long way back home without noticing. Perhaps the two of you wandered longer, slowed down your pace much more than necessary— clung onto the moon and kept it in its place in the sky with your excuses so the night would stay, last as much as you wanted it to. Your efforts were partly successful, but of course, it had to come to an end eventually. 

Your meetings didn’t, though. No, they were just getting started.

On Valentine’s Day, you might have taken advantage of another discount for couples, but no one really needed to know that. After that day and after Gwen finally got a new phone (it took her a few days to tell her dad, since she knew he wouldn’t be the happiest once he heard how her phone got destroyed in the first place), you sent her a message which she couldn’t deny made her insides feel a type of way: ‘If you ever need a fake date, don’t hesitate in calling me’. 

And a winky face. She couldn’t forget the winky face.

But, in all truth, neither of you needed a ‘fake date’ as a reason to see each other. Every once in awhile, Thursday and Saturday after band practice, the two of you would abandon the girls and simply hang out. It didn’t matter where— sometimes you didn’t even have a place in mind, but somehow, gladly for your brain fearing rejection, Gwen would agree nonetheless. She didn’t think much about it until one afternoon, once you were done telling a bad joke that embarrassingly enough made her laugh, she realized she hadn’t checked the time. Not once.

During band practice, MJ and Glory noted that something had changed. Mainly because they soon realized they hadn’t witnessed any new embarrassing events between you two for them to laugh at behind your backs in a while, but your peeks at each other weren’t fearful anymore. They were now… something which they couldn’t place their finger on, but it was different enough for them to share a look and raise their eyebrows. Naturally, it didn’t take long before Em Jay had to jam herself into your affairs and asked you what you thought about Gwen, using as a justification that you had gotten a month and a half to get to know the band. 

If Gwen could’ve gotten the opportunity to travel back in time to step in and prevent Em Jay from getting close to you with her blabbering mouth, she would’ve taken it immediately.

“When were you going to tell me you two fucking knew each other?!” MJ’s shriek hurt Gwen’s ears and left her speechless for a few moments after she walked into the room. Then, she succeeded in processing her question through her brain, and her face was now considerably paler than before.

“Hello to you too?” 

MJ glared at her and walked away from her. While she moved around the many cables on the floor with her foot, Gwen dropped her backpack near the door, eyeing her. “How do you know?”

“I talked to Y/N.” She simply responded. Gwen huffed, unbelieving, and crossed her arms. 

“And why did you talk to her?”

MJ gave her an obvious look. “Because, uh, she’s my bandmate? And my friend?” Gwen rolled her eyes and crouched down to take her drumsticks from her bag; meanwhile, Em Jay wasn’t over the topic yet. “I can’t believe you kept that from me. Unbelievable. I’m the only one who knows about your little spider secret!” She threw her hands in the air, as if her attitude wasn’t already dramatic enough. Gwen looked up at her with squinted eyes.

“Because you found out on accident. Did you also tell her about that?” She scoffed, standing up. Em Jay followed her to the drums, pursing her lips.

“No. She wouldn’t believe me anyway. But in my defense, Glory and Betty never do either, so you’ve literally got nothing to worry about.” 

Gwen sat down on the drum stool. “We met last year, but we never became friends, though. We’re just acquaintances, I’m sorry. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Em Jay shrugged, her expression unchanging. “Yeah, I guess. Now I’m embarrassed for you again, though. You have to apologize to her.” 

Gwen’s mouth hung slightly open. “I already apologized twice! Why would I do it again?!”

“You acted as if you didn’t know her when you first met! Like, who does that?” However, before Gwen could explain herself, you and Glory walked through the door, carrying your instruments plus a milkshake in your hand.

“Sup.” Glory nodded her head at the two girls. MJ shot finger guns at her and you walked up to Gwen before you stretched out your arm, holding the milkshake up to her face. 

Gwen quirked a brow. “What’s this?”

“I got you a milkshake, babe.” You joked, smirking. Gwen’s cheeks and ears reddened and she hesitantly accepted it, her mouth twitching. “Since we haven’t had the chance to hang out in a while.”

MJ and Glory shared another of their looks, the one with which they telepathically communicated with. After you left Gwen, MJ kneeled down beside her, grinning knowingly. 

“She told me she thinks you’re great, dude. Do whatever you want with that information.”

Gwen chose not to do anything with it. At least not for now. 

Summer break came along to free Gwen from the suffocating hold school had around her neck, and more importantly, to give her time to focus on patrolling, the Mary Janes, and, well, you. Texting you in the morning, texting you at noon, texting you in the afternoon after she managed to stop a robbery at Junction Boulevard, texting you at night; and she couldn’t forget, of course, spending time with you whenever you could. How could she forget? It seemed almost impossible now, for you had implemented yourself into her routine, but she couldn’t quite pinpoint in what moment. She didn’t even come upon the realization until you left the state for a week, and she found herself waiting for your texts.

However, once you returned and the band reunited, Em Jay wasted no time and suggested having a ‘girl’s night’ at her place, claiming it wasn’t because she ‘missed you all, or anything, but for band-bonding’. She sent you and Gwen to the store to buy snacks (and, unsurprisingly for Gwen, winked at Glory as you two walked out of the door), and right now you both stood in front of the freezers, Gwen observing you as you put all your concentration, your tongue poking out of your mouth, on combining two sodas into an empty water bottle. Gwen gagged dramatically, laughter escaping her throat nonetheless. “That’s fucking gross, man.” She grimaced while you giggled maniacally.

The new beverage fizzled and you analyzed it closely, your eyes following the bubbles dancing in the liquid. “I can’t believe they sell bacon and ranch dressing soda here. This place is nuts.”

“And you’re mixing them together.”

“You could say I’m a scientist.”

Gwen scoffed at your statement, a grin lingering on her face. You sniffed the soda, and held it up to her face. “Do you want to try it?”

Gwen pushed the bottle away with her finger, wrinkling her nose. “You could have me at gunpoint and I still wouldn’t try it.”

You pouted, screwing the cap closed. “Okay, your loss, I guess. I’ll have it here just in case you change your mind.” You waved the bottle and placed it on a shelf before you kneeled down to inspect the bags of marshmallows. Gwen shook her head, her smile reaching her eyes.

“Trust me, I won’t.”

You picked up a bag, eyeing her sideways. “You know what?” You stole back her attention and she hummed, tilting her head. “You’re my favorite member in the band.”

Gwen’s face softened, although she wondered if she was crazy, or if her hands were all of a sudden clammy. “Me? Your… your favorite?” She asked, her voice small. You looked down, hoping she couldn’t see your timid expression.

“Yeah. I mean, no offense to Em Jay or Glory— they’re both awesome, but… I really like you, Gwen Stacy.” You shared eye contact, the corner of your mouth quirking up.

Gwen searched for something to distract herself with, and wound up snatching a random bag of gummies and pretending to read the ingredients. “Are you just trying to get me to pay for all of this?” She joked, gesturing to the casket of food. You let out a dramatic sigh, grumpily looking away from her.

“Aw, man, you caught me.” You made a sad face, but it was fleeting. “…But, no. I mean it. For real.”

Gwen bit her lip, her face the shade of the cherry candy in her hands. “Yeah, well… you’re pretty cool as well, Y/N L/N.” She copied you, shrugging. You groaned in annoyance, staring heavenward.

“Don’t give me that ‘you’re cool’ bullshit again.” You warned, mocking her voice and she giggled, placing the candy back in its place.

“What? It’s the truth!”

“Is that really all you think of me?” You feigned disappointment, playing with her. 

No. Most definitely not. Gwen had grown to form many opinions about you other than solely ‘just cool’. Her thoughts varied. Sometimes she liked the way you made her laugh so effortlessly. Other times she couldn’t wrap her head around how, with you, the concept of time was both nonexistent and eternal, a concept you took its meaning away from, for it became irrelevant. She loved how you played bass, and how you gave it a voice, personified it into a dancing body that mesmerized her. She liked the way the corners of your eyes crinkled when you smiled, and how you tilted your head sometimes when you were confused like a puppy. She liked your way of talking, your hair, how you dressed, your posture, your face and the flaws in your skin. 

Maybe she really liked you. And that scared her.

When she didn’t answer, you gave up and stood up, stretching your legs. “Okay, at least I’m glad you think I’m cool. It’s what I’d expect from my fake girlfriend.” You winked at her playfully, but she wasn’t fully paying attention now. “Okay, last question, though—”

Gwen sighed, her shoulders dropping. “What now?” You moved your arms behind your back, drawing a circle with the tip of your shoe on the floor.

“You never answered if you really think that I’m pretty.”

Gwen almost choked. She thought she had escaped that question months ago. Without thinking, her gaze landed on the soda hybrid sitting on the shelf and she grabbed it. You didn’t know what was happening in front of you until Gwen was sputtering after taking a big gulp of the drink. “What the fuck?! Why did you do that!” You gasped, your eyes wide and the laughter daring to climb up your throat.

Gwen stuck her tongue out and coughed, her face scrunching up with regret. “If I drink the soda then I don’t have to answer the question.” You couldn’t believe she was willing to do anything instead of giving you an answer.

You doubled over, cackling and holding your stomach. “Since when is that a rule?!”

“Since now.”

For the record, Gwen did think you were pretty. Very, very pretty.

As time went by, Gwen couldn’t help but stare during practice. Stare at your fingers, sliding down and up the neck with ease; your head, nodding along to the music, lost in it enough that you didn’t notice the obvious ogling from her part. And your face. She tried focusing on it most of the time, but it resulted a lot more difficult than she originally expected. You either moved it too much whilst you played, or you faced away from her since—well— she did play the drums. 

There was also the third reason. The unsettling burn in her chest that sped up her breathing if her mind went too far, which occurred if she thought about you too much. Too deeply. But, God, did she try, and God, did she take advantage of every time you looked back at her, because you inexplicably dissolved that uneasiness in her.

Late at night, with your blankets wrapped around you tightly, you stared at your phone screen, mindlessly scrolling and double-tapping every picture you came upon. Not a minute passed before you opened a conversation, however, perhaps for the fourth time— not that it was anyone’s business, anyway— awaiting for another text. Gwen’s text, to be more specific. You didn’t want to come off as obsessive, but it had been an hour and thirteen minutes yet she hadn’t responded, and you… were missing her? You shook your head. Well. There was a possibility that you were. Maybe, you couldn’t get her off your mind, and maybe, you wished you could simply think about her and she’d integrate right there in your bedroom—

A knock on the window disrupted your train of thought, and as if on cue, a notification rang from your phone. ‘It’s me’, you read. Gwen had sent the message. “What the fuck?” You muttered, confused. Needing to see it for yourself, you jumped out of your bed and ran to your window before you unlatched the window lock and slid it open. 

Of course, as the text message said, it was indeed Gwen, in your fire escape, and not a prank she elaborated to scare the life out of you. “Hi.” Was all she said. You tilted your head, your brows knitted together.

“Hi? Is that all you’re going to say?”

She thought for a second. “…How are you?” 

“What are you doing in my fire escape?”

“I got locked out of my house.” She shrugged. 

You let out a huff of air in disbelief, moving out of the way so she could climb inside. As she threw one leg over the sill, you placed your hands on your hips, shaking your head. “You get locked out of your house, and the first place that comes to your mind is my place?” You questioned, amused. Yet again, Gwen raised and dropped her shoulders. You went to close the window, but not before glancing out, imagining all the struggle she must’ve gone through to lower the ladder and then climb up five stories. “And how the hell did you even get all the way up here?” You muttered to yourself, but Gwen heard it.

“It’s a fire escape, my dear. They’re there to, you know, get out of the building so you don’t die if there’s a fire?”

You rolled your eyes and sat down on your bed. “Okay, just be quiet, ‘cause I don’t think my family would be very happy about having an unexpected visitor this late.” Guilt sculpted Gwen’s countenance.

“I mean… I can leave if you want—”

“No.” You said quickly, too fast for your liking, actually. You cleared your throat and smiled, patting the area beside you. “No, it’s alright. You can stay however long you want. They don’t have to find out.” You waggled your eyebrows jokingly. She was grateful the sole lamp rested on your bedside table, far away from you and its amber touch embracing you alone, for she didn’t need you seeing the blood rapidly rushing to her warm face. 

Gwen sat down where you motioned her to, although kept some distance, and squeezed her hands resting on her lap together. “Thanks… it’ll just be a while. My dad had an emergency, and I really don’t know when he’ll be back, so…” She explained and popped her mouth after her sentence died out. You nodded understandingly, shuffling somewhat closer to her.

“I’m glad you came here. I wouldn’t want you staying out there and freezing to death. Plus, I was pretty bored.”

Gwen raised a brow. “Bored? Aren’t you supposed to be sleeping?” 

You scoffed with a faint smile. “Shut up, hypocrite. You were out so late that you got left out of your house.”

“I was busy!”

“Doing what? Selling drugs?”

“Maybe. You’ll never know.”

You began to fan yourself. “Ooh, a drug lord, so hot.”

Gwen scrunched up her nose, giving you a judgemental look. “Is that what turns you on? Drug lords?”

“Nah, that’s not quite it…” You glanced at her out of the corner of your eye before your gaze shifted to your lap, your fingers playing with the hem of your shirt.

Gwen didn’t know whether she was reaching— but oh. She didn’t know what courage the universe granted her, either, for she then focused on her nails and pretended to be uninterested. “Huh, then what does turn you on?” Your eyebrows almost reached your hairline in surprise, but you quickly composed yourself. 

“Why do you want to know?” You asked, leaning closer to her. She shrugged one shoulder.

“I mean, you never know. What if a friend of mine wanted to ask you out?”

You bit your lip. “Depends. Is she cute?”

“I never specified their gender. And it’s theoretical.” She cleared up, raising one finger. You laughed, moving even closer to her.

“Well, then, I really like blue eyes.”

“…Really?” Her shy voice made your organs jump, which you didn’t know if it was normal or a serious medical condition you should get checked out. You hummed, holding yourself up with your arms behind you. “They’re cool, I guess.” Again, she tried to sound as if she didn’t care, or as if your comment didn’t make her as happy as it secretly did.

“Short hair is also pretty cute.” You added. “Especially if it’s a cool hairstyle.”

“A cool… a cool hairstyle, huh? What do you mean?”

“I don’t know.” Gwen now knew how frustrated you felt when she avoided your questions. “What about you?” You looked at her, insecurity threatening to overpower your current confidence.

“Oh. I don’t know. Musicians are hot.” She showed you a crooked smile. You wanted to squeal, embarrassingly enough.

“Do you like bass guitar players?” A bold move, indeed. Gwen faked entering deep into thought.

“…Eh, I think drummers are hotter.” 

You shoved her playfully, laughing. “Rude!” 

“Hey, you asked what I liked.” You both giggled, struggling to keep your noises down, but eventually, your laughter dissipated and she played with her fingers. “But bass players are pretty cute, too.”

You gulped, Gwen’s shoulder touching yours spiking your nerves. “Yeah, well, I agree that drummers are cute, too.” 

You both glanced down at each other’s lips, holding your breaths. However, before you could do anything, Gwen got to her feet. “You should try getting some sleep. I don’t want you being sleep deprived because of me.” She laughed nervously, taking off her sneakers. 

Disappointment invaded your brain, but admittedly, your eyes did feel a lot heavier than before. “What are you gonna do?” You questioned, remembering her situation. You definitely were more worried than her, who was unfazed.

“I’ll just wait I guess.”

“You should catch some Z’s as well.”

Gwen didn’t argue. She climbed into bed with you, although insisted she didn’t need any covers or blankets since she was just going to take a nap. After that, you couldn’t resist the sleep threatening to spread through your system and you passed out. It felt like minutes passed at most, until you were suddenly gently shaken awake. 

You fought to open your eyes before you squinted and looked up at whoever had woken you up. Slowly, the indistinguishable figure transformed into Gwen’s apologetic smile dimly lit by your bedside lamp. 

“Hey, sleepyhead.” 

You groaned, rubbing your bleary eyes and sitting up. “What time is it?” You croaked out. Gwen squinted to discern the numbers in her watch.

“Two in the morning.” 

“Two in the morning?!” She nodded, laughing quietly. “Do you have to go?” You would’ve been embarrassed by the heartbreak in your voice, but you were too out of it to dwell on it.

“Yeah, but it’s okay, you can go back to sleep. I just wanted to let you know.” 

You didn’t quite process what was going on until you saw her backing away to the window. Suddenly fully awake, your eyes widened and you threw your covers off of you. “What are you doing?” 

Gwen opened the window and glanced back at you, lifting a brow. “Leaving?” 

You yawned, shaking your finger at her. “No, no, no—” You rubbed your eye and laughed at her. “How about I lead you out of the door like a normal person?” 

Gwen blushed, slowly closing the window. “Ah, well, I guess that’s an option.”

“I don’t want to wake anyone up, though, so just stay quiet, alright?” Gwen simply nodded and you wrapped your hand around her wrist, guiding her towards your bedroom door. You opened it as silently as you could, holding your breath, almost afraid that if you breathed, the entire house would be blown away. There’s only darkness, but you walked into it unbothered, while Gwen followed you like a loyal animal. Now that her sight was gone, she fully took in your touch as your soft hold tugged on her arm. You suddenly stopped and she mimicked you, patiently waiting for the sound of the unlocking of the door. However, all she picked up was the shuffling of your feet before you held in your breath. Then, she felt your other hand grab hers.

“Gwen?” You asked quietly, your voice so timid the darkness and the silence could’ve easily engulfed it. Without the view of your face, your skin against hers seemed too much, nearly unbearable. 

“…Y-Yeah?”

“Can you see me?”

She shook her head, until she recalled that if she couldn’t see you, neither could you see her and the gesture was nothing more than useless. “Not really.”

“Okay. Cool.”

“Are you going to kill me?”

You giggled, and it didn’t knock over the walls, but it most definitely almost did her body.  “No. Do you want me to?”

“Eh… no, thanks.”

“Ok, dork.” You chuckled, but it instantly came to an end. Your breathing wasn’t steady anymore— it trembled, sounded heavy. Then, out of nowhere: “If I kiss you, are you going to run away?”

Gwen just blinked. Despite the darkness, white dots exploded in her vision. “W-what?” Her voice almost failed her.

“Can I kiss you?”

In the room, there was nothing more. It was just your nervous breaths, your loud fridge, and Gwen’s heart. Her heart at full volume, pumping fast, doing its best to keep her awake, sane, on her feet. It was just you and her. Solely you, your gentle hands, and her. She blinked again.

“Okay.”

Your touch disappeared but then reappeared on her cheek, and absentmindedly, she placed her hand over yours. Your thumb, shaking, searched for her mouth, until it successfully brushed against her lips. Gwen gulped, her skin tingling as your breath fanned over it.

It was just you, her, and your lips. Your lips and her own.

You both remained with your eyes closed after your lips lost contact, although it didn’t make a difference in any way. But Gwen’s eyelids fluttered open, and a beam began to blossom.

“I’m glad you didn’t kill me.”

You kissed her a second time before she left. 

It would be a criminal understatement to say that Gwen freaked out after she arrived back home. When she made the decision to start letting new friends into her life for good at the beginning of the year as another New Year’s resolution, she took a gigantic step. She then spoke to MJ, which was a leap in itself, and you joined the band. She stumbled, balanced herself on one foot at the edge for a while, but eventually, she managed to jump to the third step once she waited outside your school and apologized to you. She was convinced that would be it; the final and toughest stride, because if she managed to get past through all the previous ones, then it had to mean she was ready, right? 

She was just finding out she was wrong, though.

The plan was to make a friend. A friend and nothing more nor nothing less. However, without being fully conscious of it, she continued to sprint up the stairs, past what her original intention was. And now, as she stared so far up at the next colossal step— at the feelings that kept growing for you, at your kiss, at you— she felt herself tipping backwards. There was no way she could climb that. She’d only slip and plummet down to her death.

Somehow, though, when you two agreed on meeting up at an arcade two days later, she decided she might as well go for it. 

Gwen eyed the time for what she felt was the millionth time that day and her mask muffled the groan that followed. She had at least thirty minutes left of patrol and— she knew it was a dramatic statement— she didn’t know if she would be able to make it through them. I could call it a day earlier, she thought. It had been the most uneventful day lacking any major criminal activity, after all: all she did was help a little kid get back to his father and stop the usual theft, but other than that, she spent the day swinging around and even had the time to take a picture with a fan. 

Her phone began to vibrate. You were calling her. “Hey… you…kid…” She cringed. How was she supposed to greet you from now on? Things weren’t the same. 

She heard you snort at her hello. “Hi. Just wanted to tell you that I’m on my way.”

Gwen’s brows snapped together and she checked the time one more time. “Already? You’re early.”

“Yeah, I hope you don’t mind. I wanted to get started earlier so I don’t have to walk back home too late, but also so I can beat your ass and get more tickets than you.”

“Are you challenging me?”

“Not really, because I already know I’m gonna win.”

“Don’t sound so confident,” Gwen smiled and lied down on her back, staring up at the sky. “But if you do win, you better get me a prize.”

“Why would I get the loser a prize? I’m gonna get myself something cool and big and rub it in your face.” 

Gwen scoffed but giggled nonetheless. All of a sudden, you went dead silent and she sat up, perking her ears for any further noise. “Y/N? Are you still there?”

It took you a few seconds to answer. “I just heard something weird.”

Gwen’s face drained of color and she jumped up, the tingling present in the back of her head. “Are you alone?”

“Yeah.”

“Get out of there. Now. Find somewhere that’s crowded.”

“Don’t be so paranoid. I bet it’s nothing. Could you imagine if I, like, got murdered, though?” You laughed nervously, trying to ease both of your nerves but Gwen’s sting in her head was only strengthening. “How tragic. Anyway—” 

Your voice halted. A distant strangled cry left the speaker. “Y/N?!” Gwen called for your attention, frantic, her heart nearly breaking out of her chest. Something was not right.

“Hold on.”

It was all you said before you ended the call. She wasted no time nor hesitated— she ran to the end of the rooftop and jumped off, shooting a web. She swung as fast as she could, to the point where her aim nearly missed a building. Her thoughts were rushed, hectic, created the worst scenarios so vivid the bile began to make her way up her throat and she had to blink the dampness of her eyes away.

Hiding behind a dumpster nearing the end of an alleyway, you held your phone up to your ear, your legs aching from the speed with which you ran away. You could barely breathe. It was just a messy attempt of ragged breaths that despite how hard you tried to make them quiet, you simply couldn’t. “Please hurry up.”

“We’re trying to get there as fast as we can, miss. Are you hurt?”

“N-No, I’m fi—” A loud bang shook the dumpster next to you and you involuntarily yelped in fear. Your hand flew up to cover your mouth, but it was too late. 

The woman and the man who chased you quickly found you, and the guy gripped your arm, yanking you out of your hiding spot. “What the fuck did you see?!” He spat in your face, holding you trapped against his body with his arm choking your neck. “Tell us or you’re fucking dead, hear me?!”

You sputtered and your fingernails scratched his arm, trying to get him off of you. When you realized you weren’t getting anywhere, your eyes flickered down to your hand. You blindly moved it up to his face, and once you grazed his eyelashes, you dug your fingers into his eye with all your strength. 

He cried out and let go of you. Without thinking, you spun around and went in to punch whatever area of his face you hoped your hit landed on. But he recovered quickly and caught your fist in mid-air. All you could do was stare at him in horror. You didn’t quite process what was coming at you until he struck your eye. 

“Bad move, kid.” The woman said and you glanced up at her with watery eyes, shielding the throbbing left side of your face. She took out her gun, pointed it at you, and your heart dropped. 

You had lost all hope, until a ‘thwip!’ echoed in between the walls.

Out of nowhere, a web stuck to the barrel of the gun and, in the blink of an eye, snatched it from the woman’s grasp. Spider-Gwen came into your blurry vision before she spun the gun and smacked it onto the stranger’s head. 

She stumbled backwards, grasping her head. Meanwhile, Gwen shot two webs at the wall behind the older girl. Holding onto the strings tightly, she pushed herself off the ground and knocked her down with a kick at her jaw. As she webbed her to the wall, her eyes suddenly widened. She swiftly ducked under, dodging a punch coming from the man behind her. Crouching down, she swiped her leg under him and sent him down. 

After he fell on the ground, Gwen towered over him, her fists shaking with fury. As soon as he opened his eyes, she drew her arm back and smashed her knuckles into his nose, a painful crack resonating clear and loud. 

She panted loudly, her chest rising and falling quickly as she trapped the now unconscious man’s hand to the gravel. She continued to observe him, her lip twitching, the sirens approaching in the background, until she heard a dry sob behind her. She looked back, only to see you backed up into the corner, hugging yourself.

Gwen ran up to you and kneeled down in front of you, holding your hand. “H-Hey, hey, you’re okay now.” She shushed you, her hand almost coming up to your cheek until she stopped herself. She wanted to stay with you and ask more questions, but two police cars parked themselves at the start of the alleyway. Her heart screamed at her not to. It cursed at her, begged for her feet not to move. However, she looked down at you one last moment and she shot a web up at the sky, zipping out of there.

She watched over you for an hour and a half as you talked to the police, and then when the paramedics attended you. She couldn’t stay long, though, since you furrowed your brows and then glanced up, your sight focusing on her. She instantly hid away, deciding that it’d be best if she just waited at your apartment.

Gwen tried telling herself that you were now fine. She saw you there, not missing a limb or anything, breathing and alive. But despite that, she couldn’t rest in peace. The image of you in the corner— your entire body shaking, your rough appearance, the tears that abandoned your eyes. Broken. It wouldn’t fuck off despite how many times she told it to. 

She couldn’t help but recall Peter Parker’s face as she shakily held his corpse in her arms. And then she remembered why she had given up on letting anyone get close to her in the first place.

She had lost track of how long she’d been staring at your window. The window which she climbed through just three nights ago when she got locked out of her place. The night your warm smile greeted her. The night you first kissed her. The night that, perhaps if it hadn’t occurred— if she hadn’t forgotten to take her key with her, or she had left her window open, if she had gone to Em Jay’s, Glory’s, or even Betty’s place instead of yours— if she hadn’t been in the picture, you wouldn’t be in the situation that you were in now. 

Because of her, you could’ve lost your life.

She’d texted you— as Gwen— asking if you were alright. It didn’t help that you straight up lied and said that you weren’t feeling alright so you decided to skip the night. At last, the light turned on in your room and she snapped out of a trance. It didn’t take long before she was trying to look through your window as discreetly as she could, her heart starting yet again with its running when she made out your silhouette. It moved around the room, until it stopped in front of the window. To her nightmare, your figure grew bigger as it came closer and closer, and opened the window. When she saw your face, her insides twisted.

You nearly screamed as soon as you saw Spider-Woman outside your window. You jumped back. It was the Spider-Woman. Unbelieving, you blinked at her— a bad idea, you then realized, considering your bruised eye. 

“…Spider-Woman?”

“Uh, hi there.”

You touched your head, closing your eyes. Maybe the blow you received was worse than you thought. “Am I hallucinating?” 

Gwen laughed weakly. “Nope. I’m very real right now.”

“Oh, okay.” You stared at her, disoriented, a million questions running through your brain. “Can I— can I ask what you are doing here?” You chose to ask first. 

“I, uh, wanted to check up on you after the incident that happened earlier. I didn’t really have time to say anything.” It wasn’t fully a lie. You nodded slowly, tilting your head.

“How’d you know where I live?”

She couldn’t judge you for asking so many questions, but God, coming up with a lie on the spot was turning out to be problematic for her. “Uh… spider-sense?”

She tried.

You were yet more perplexed. “Spider what?”

“It’s a thing… I have…” She tapped her head. Again, it wasn’t a full-blown lie. Thankfully, you didn’t continue budging and instead hummed, nervously playing with the hem of your shirt. “You don’t have to answer— only if you want to talk about it, but…what happened?” She asked quietly, afraid of your reaction. Your body went rigid and you hesitated. 

“I was going to meet up with a girl I like when I heard and then saw someone getting beaten to death.” Her white eye lenses grew big. “The two out of the three people doing it saw me and began to chase me. I tried to hide, but they eventually caught up to me.” You whispered.

Her fingers touched her mouth. “Oh God… I’m so… I’m so sorry. It’s my fault.”

You raised a brow. “…What do you mean? You saved me.”

“But I…” Gwen choked up and you furrowed your brows. She checked her watch, her body so weak she was surprised she was standing up. “I have to go. I’m sorry you had to go through that. You don’t deserve it.”

Before you could reply, she scurried away from your window and leaped off the fire escape. You watched as she swung away and eventually disappeared, feeling hazy and more puzzled than ever.

After she thought she had gotten far away enough, Gwen dropped down on a random rooftop, stumbling and falling to her knees. She felt trapped inside the mask. Almost as if it were stuck, permanently sewn to her skin, and if she tried to rip it off, she’d tear every last inch of skin off with it. She was the mask. She was Spider-Woman, and would forever be. It’s a responsibility she was doomed with for eternity unless she lost a fucking limb or her own life, and there’s nothing she could do about it. She couldn’t simply walk away, or dispose of all the criminals and villains, all the calamities and traps hurled at her which sent her defenseless body flying, hurting it, along with everyone else in the way. Everyone else like Peter. Peter and now you. 

Her trembling hand ripped off her mask, her wet face nearly freezing as the wind attacked her skin. She took out her phone and searched for your contact, wiping her nose with her gloves. “Hey…” She typed, but stopped. Keep going, she urged herself. Just fucking write. Her thumb hung above the keyboard, her teary eyes fixed on the cursor blinking, taunting her. 

“If you don’t do this, I’m going to hate you for the rest of my fucking life, Gwen.” She hissed at herself and hiccuped after. It didn’t matter if you hated her. It had to be done.

You inspected with a frown at your bruised eye in the mirror, your fingers ghosting over the swollen skin. But your grimace vanished and a faint grin took over your features when you received a message and read Gwen’s name. Rapidly, you opened the text, the overwhelming heaviness burning in your chest immediately flickering out.

It was only temporary, though.

Gwen read the message one last time, and her heart dropped down to her stomach the instant she saw you had opened it. Her own words repeated themselves in her head, slashing her skin with regret, mercilessly cutting her heart apart into unfixable bits.

“I’ve been thinking lately, and I think it’d be best if we’re just bandmates. You’re cool, so I hope that there are no hard feelings between us.”

She turned off her phone and closed her eyes, letting out a long breath. Somehow, she still hated herself.

You didn’t reply. Not a word, no phone call. Nothing. You explained to MJ and Glory what had happened and missed band practice for a week, saying you wanted your eye to heal as much as possible. You never told Gwen anything, though. The girls were in charge of doing it, and she had to act surprised and repress the regret that stabbed at her. Glory was shocked she wasn’t the first to find out and she questioned her about it, but Gwen solely shrugged and forced out a laugh when MJ joked that getting hurt was a curse running for bassists in the band. 

The week had finally passed by and you came to Thursday rehearsal. You still greeted Glory with your secret handshake and MJ with the usual hug, as enthusiastic as always. But you ignored Gwen, and she didn’t fight against it. She had now made a promise to herself she couldn’t break. 

You’d been practicing for an hour longer than usual, stuck on the same song since Em Jay would stop in the midst of it and insist that you started over again. Everyone knew who was— or, to be more correct— were the culprits, but no one dared to speak up. MJ broke away from the mic, rubbing her face in frustration, and raised her fist in the air to end the playing. “Okay, that sucked. Yet again. But it’s okay, let’s start over from the top.”

Glory let her fingers run down the keyboard, creating what you could say was the loveliest catastrophe of a melody, and sighed. “Em Jay, I think we should take a break—”

“No, no, no, we’ll get it right this time. Let’s just get it over with, okay?” No one agreed, but she continued nonetheless. “One, two, three!”

You began again. At first, no one was messing up, and Em Jay’s hope returned. However, a minute into the song, both the drums and the bass went their own ways and invented their own pace, and MJ turned around, her hands on her hips. “I didn’t want to say it, but you two really need to get your shit together.” She pointed at Gwen and then at you. 

Gwen glanced at you. “Y/N’s a bit late.” You opened your mouth in disbelief and faced her.

“You’re going way too fucking fast!”

“No, that’s the right tempo.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Uh, yeah, it is.”

You narrowed your eyes. “Since when?”

“Since always!” Gwen exclaimed, sharing your scowl. “I’m the one who’s been here since the beginning, I think I know better.” 

You couldn’t keep your mouth shut any longer.

“Shut the fuck up, you don’t know shit, okay?!” You yelled at her, taking an intimidating step closer to her. When MJ noticed Gwen gripping her drumsticks hard, she tried to intervene.

“Guys—”

“Leave it, Mary Jane.” Gwen warned her, her face stern, and MJ stared at her, expressionless.

“It’s Em Jay.”

“I don’t fucking care!” 

“Yeah, you very clearly don’t, huh?” You said, laughing without humor and stepping even closer to Gwen. “You don’t know shit, and you don’t give a shit about anyone. It’s scary how you pretend to care about someone, but you don’t. You just fucking use them to keep yourself entertained for a while, until you get bored and then decide to leave.” You were now right in front of her, and you pointed an accusing finger into her face. Gwen tensed her jaw, fighting hard against the wetness of her eyes.

“That’s not true.”

“Oh, don’t fucking lie, Gwen.” You glared at her, shaking your head. “Don’t act like I don’t know you.”

You both shared eye contact for a few moments, and as Gwen began to blink hard, you scoffed and took a step back. “Whatever.” You muttered and turned away. “I think I’m done for the day.”

The room stayed dead silent while you packed your things up. Glory and Em Jay communicated with each other through their gazes, both equally as confused, but Gwen stuck her sight to the floor, her lip trembling as she curled her hand so tightly around the drumstick it snapped. You slammed the door shut, and Em Jay cleared her throat, biting her nails. 

“What the fuck just happened?” MJ and Glory moved their stares to Gwen. “Gwen?”

Gwen rubbed her eye, sighing. “What?” She mumbled. MJ approached her slowly, frowning.

“You got something to tell us?”

Gwen shrugged. “Maybe.” Glory raised her brows. “I messed up long ago.”

“She seems too mad for it to have been long ago.” MJ laughed nervously, but Gwen wasn’t taking any of it anymore. She stood up and pulled her hair, groaning.

“God, Em Jay, this wouldn’t have happened if you had just fucking stopped trying so hard to make our friendship work. You don’t even care about me making friends, you just wanted to feel good about yourself for helping poor little me!” She shouted, nudging MJ with her drumsticks. Em Jay remained quiet, visibly hurt, and hugging herself.

“Gwen.” Glory repeated, her strict voice shocking both Gwen and MJ. “I think you hurt someone. And I think you owe them an apology.” 

Gwen took a moment to breathe, and that was when she realized what she had done. She looked at MJ and grabbed her hand, squeezing it. “I’m sorry, Em Jay. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you. Thank you for trying. I should’ve tried harder as well.” She whispered sadly.

The corner of MJ’s mouth quirked upwards, and gripped her hand back. “Thanks. But I think you’ve got one more apology left.”

It felt like February all over again. Back when MJ called her to tell her the same thing, and one day later, Gwen waited outside your school. However, this time, she knew she had to apologize for real. For the correct reason.

Gwen let her drumsticks fall to the floor and she jumped over the cables. Speeding out of the door, she hoped she still had the chance to catch up to you and hadn’t lost you again. To her relief, you were at the end of the corridor, in front of the opening elevator doors when she called out your name. Your ears perked up, but your expression hardened when you saw her running up to you. “Y/N, listen—”

“Fuck off.” You laughed and moved to get into the elevator, but Gwen grabbed your arm and spun you around. 

“No!” You stared at her, shocked. “N-No, I’m not going to… fuck off. Not this time.” Her eyes were big, begging. 

You clutched her wrist and pulled her hand away from you. “I think it’s too little too late, Gwen. I’ve had enough.”

“I made a mistake.”

“Yeah, no shit.”

“Just let me talk, please.”

“No.” You shushed her, breathing heavily. “Let me talk, okay? Let me tell you about this little mistake of yours. Not only did you act as if you didn’t know me months ago and said we were never friends when I joined the band, but you acted as if you hadn’t already done this. You played with my feelings. Not once, but apparently fucking twice! And you didn’t even apologize!” 

Your voice broke as you finally let out your repressed feelings, and you hated yourself for it. You despised yourself for still listening to her, for still caring about her.

You left Gwen speechless. “You wanted to talk, and now I’m giving you the chance. Say something.” You begged, prepared to be let down. But she looked up at you and let out a shaky sigh, sniffing.

“I don’t… I don’t know. I thought I liked you a year ago when we first met. I really did. The feelings were there, b-but…”

“If you never liked me, then why’d you come back?” You asked, broken-hearted. It hurt Gwen to see how much pain she had caused you, all because she was too much of a coward to own up to her feelings. 

“That’s the thing.” She breathed out, shrugging. “Maybe I do.”

Your face softened. “What?”

“Don’t make me explain it, please.”

“You have to.”

“I can’t.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose, groaning. “For fuck’s sake.” Gwen shook her head and her shoulders began to shake.

“I can’t…”

“Why not—”

“Because it scares me!” She cried out, a sob finally breaking free from her system. You frowned.

“Why?”

“B-Because…” She wiped her nose, struggling to spit it out. “I really like you. I really do. And I don’t know if I’m ready for something like that. I can’t lose you.”

You gently grabbed her shoulder, while your other hand held her chin. “I’m not going to run away from you. I’m here.”

It wasn’t as simple as that. “I can’t.” She said again, even if she didn’t want to let go of your touch. You bit your lip.

“You can’t or you don’t want to?” 

She didn’t know what to answer. Your hand slowly sneaked down to hold hers, and you looked at her for permission, your expectations not as high. But she clutched your hand hard. “You can do it, Gwen. You can’t spend the rest of your life like this. If you do, you will lose everyone.” You smiled sadly. You quieted down, pondering, but eventually, you breathed out and closed your eyes. “I really like you, too. I always did. And if I have to wait, it’s okay. Just… don’t disappear again, okay?”

Gwen analyzed your face. She wondered what you must have looked like that night back when you kissed her. And since she hadn’t done anything right before, she wondered whether she could try again. 

In a second, she squeezed her eyes shut and pecked your lips. You were caught off guard as your fingers came up to touch your mouth. “Nah, you’re right. I think it’s about damn time.” She bit back her smile.

She took the big step.

[preservationandruin]

Rhythm of War Liveblog, Part One Part Four (Chapters 12-15)

Previous Post

Onward! I feel like these posts are pretty long and don’t cover a lot, but then i remember that a lot of Part One every time is setting up what’s happening, and this one in particular we have an entire year’s worth of stuff to fill in, so I guess it’s warranted. 

Kaladin hangs out with friends against his will, I remember that Adolin is a Horse Girl, Mraize talks about the interplanetary economy, Teleporting Fucker is a Legendarily Sore Loser, I have high hopes for spren necromancy, and Kaladin asks Zahel for advice. 

We’re back to Kaladin, who is...not having a good time. He feels like he has to appear strong for Syl and the others, and not to let his problems affect them; he’s also hit hard by the feeling that Bridge Four is something that was in the past, not something that’s consistent and now. 

“Hey,” Leyten said as they reached the tower entrance. “Rock! Got any stew for us maybe? For old times’ sake?” Kalaidn turned. The word “stew” pierced the cloud.

Rock can’t, he’s busy, and Kaladin goes to his rooms--which are sparse and empty, even though he has pretty good accommodations--and tries to self-isolate, which...mood. He starts going into what seems like a panic attack (paralyzed, curling into the fetal position, thoughts spiralling to what Moash was talking about) when the door is near-literally kicked down by Adolin and Syl. 

(will i use this every time Adolin does things? probably) 

Adolin manages to drag Kaladin out of his room, in what is--honestly--a pretty good way to do it for someone who is depressed--he makes the point that Kaladin doesn’t have to be happy, he doesn’t have to pretend to be happy, but he should be miserable around other people. And he does it in just...a very Adolin way: 

“You spend too many evenings alone, bridgeboy,” Adolin said, glancing at the nearby exhaustionspren, then grabbing Kaladin by the arm--something few other people would have dared.  “I like being by myself,” Kaladin said.  “Great. Sounds awful. Today, you’re coming with me. No more excuses. I let you blow me away last week and the week before.” 

I love that “blow me away” is Roshar-slang for “blow me off” 

Kaladin tries to lash out and say maybe he just doesn’t like being around Adolin, Adolin dares him to say, with an oath, that he should be alone right now--and Kaladin can’t, because--of course--Kaladin shouldn’t be alone right now.

“Ha,” Adolin said, tugging him along by the arm. “Come on, Brightlord Master Highmarshal Stormface. Change your coat to one that doesn’t smell like smoke, then come with me. You don’t have to smile. You don’t have to talk. But if you���re going to be miserable, you might as well do it with friends.” 

This is so good. I think on some level when you self-isolate, what people want (or at least, what I want) is to have someone willing and able to drag you out of it despite the fact that you don’t want to be around people--and I’m so glad that Adolin is that person. 

Kaladin demands to know why Syl got Adolin of all people, despite that scene literally showing why Adolin was the perfect person to bring, and Syl responds that she needed someone Kaladin couldn’t intimidate...and, in the end, Kaladin ends up thanking her. 

And then we go to Adolin’s favorite bar, where Veil is waiting, where the gang just start hanging out--and Adolin and Veil start talking about trying to set Kaladin up with someone. This is about the moment where I crowed in victory, because while I didn’t see this specifically coming up, Adolin and Veil being drinking buddies who are a) overly-invested in Kaladin’s love life and b) end up talking about attractive people together IS something I called at the end of Oathbringer. Bi Disaster Drinking Club lives. 

(Casper, Adolin isn’t confirmed bi-- Listen. listen. give me this.) 

“Oh, don’t be sour,” Veil said, smacking [Kaladin] on the shoulder. “You didn’t even glance at her. She’s cute. Look at those legs. Back me up, Adolin.” 

I love all the Veil and Adolin banter we get here, because it only gets better--Veil asking for details of one of Adolin’s past relationships, Adolin trying to get out of it, Kaladin getting to enjoy time with his friends even when (maybe especially when) those friends are ridiculous. And then we also get another good moment of Adolin and Kaladin friendship when Veil goes off to gamble--Adolin asks Kaladin for advice for how to help Shallan with her own issues, but the advice Kaladin gives is also good advice for dealing with Kaladin, which Adolin knows and did on purpose. Kaladin asks why Adolin hasn’t become a Radiant yet, to which Adolin says that he’s not a good fit, he guesses--but the real reason, of course, is that Adolin refuses to give up Mayalaran. 

Listen--by not giving up Mayalaran, Adolin is proving himself the Edgedancer she deserves and I will die on this hill. 

And then things go back to being sad, because Rock is leaving--going back to his people to recieve judgement for breaking their rules by killing Amaram. He says he probably won’t be returning and hugs Kaladin, who gives him a few other members of Bridge Four as an escort--some of his kids, including Cord--the Shardbearer--stay in Urithiru. 

I deeply suspect this will not be the last we see of Rock, because there’s no way in hell, but it was both touching and really sad at the same time. 

We move back to Shallan the next morning, going through her day while Adolin is out horseriding; I can’t believe I nearly forgot Adolin is a Horse Girl, despite literally everything about Adolin being prime horse girl. Shallan gets a message about a spren coming to negotiate--probably one  of Sja-anat’s spren--and she visits her brothers as well, sketching by their fire. 

We get that she’s researched DID--or, the Rosharan understanding of DID--and the results haven’t been heartening, with people who have DID mostly being objectified and ridiculed. It also notes that memory loss is a common symptom, which Shallan notes she doesn’t really experience. 

Mraize shows up at her brothers’ house, both as a threat--his cover is an older soldier who is known to be clumsy and could, in theory, injure someone around him--and to talk to Shallan. We get more of the goals of the Ghostbloods--they’re trying to set up an Investiture trade across the Cosmere. Which is actually super smart--investiture is pretty easy to come by on Roshar, which is the entire reason Vasher/Zahel is there. I can see Nalthis in particular loving a way to sustain their gods that, uh, doesn’t involve sucking out souls. 

Mraize also basically confirms his mole is a lightweaver, which...I’m really hoping this isn’t the case, but I’m starting to suspect the mole is perhaps Formless, or a similar Alter of Shallan’s. She’s had some weird logic gaps that she doesn’t understand, and we just got the mention of alters maybe not able to remember what each other are doing. 

Now, I really hope that’s not the case, because that’s a tired old trope with DID--the evil alter ego. It’s really tired and awful for people who have DID, so I hope that’s not the twist here. 

Anyway, Mraize gives her her next job, which is going to find Restares--who is in the honorspren citadel of Lasting Integrity. Mraize says when she meets Restares, she’ll know what to do, and that once she completes that, she’ll get all the answers she could want from the Ghostbloods. 

We go back to Venli in Kholinar; a new group of Fused are here for bodies, and Leshwi is worried about one of them in particular--one of the fannahn-im, Those of Alteration. We meet the Nine, leaders of the Fused who are in pillars fused to the floor of their chamber, which Venli points out is just dooming the people whose bodies they took to a horrible form of entombment. 

Venli can feel Odium watching, which I responded to with “come on motherfucker, 1v1 me.” Listen, I would die, but what a way to go. 

The Teleporting Fucker--Lezian the Pursuer--is one of the Nex-im, Those of Husks, who are the Ninth Brand. He doesn’t defer to the Nine and claims Kaladin has to be Fourth Ideal because he “couldn’t be defeated by an ordinary human.” Which is hilarious, because he was. You were defeated by an ordinary human whose powers were blocked. Kaladin is just that good. 

Anyway, he claims he now has to go kill Kaladin because his whole deal is that he murders any human who kills him: 

“Milennia ago, Lezian was the first Fused to be killed by a human. To avoid the shame of such a death, upon returning to life, Lezian ignored all orders and rational arguments--and went into battle seeking only the man who had killed him.” 

So he’s a loose cannon who everyone goes along with because they can’t stop him and because he developed a legend around his stupid decisions? Got it. I’m really amused that this guy’s entire thing is just being Roshar’s Sorest Loser. Anyway, Leshwi disputes his claim and says that she has first dibs on killing Kaladin--Venli notes that Leshwi probably doesn’t even know that she’s trying to protect Kaladin. 

Guys, I can’t believe Fused war tactics operate on the dibs system. Also, this feels just like a continuation of my joke that everyone in this series has a type and that type is Kaladin. 

Anyway, then we meet the new lady who Leshwi is worried about--Raboniel, the Lady of Wishes. She was one of the Nine but stepped down to become more active; Leshwi talks about how she is a scientist without morals, whose plan the last Desolation was to release a plague that would affect Singers as well as humans and actually did, but fortunately didn’t have as great an effect as she hoped. So now biological warfare is coming onto the table. 

Raboniel pushes to seize Urithiru to strike against the humans; she created the anti-powers Fabrial and now wants to reverse the “Sibling’s heart” to nullify radiants in Urithiru, although she notes that Fourth Ideal ones could pull through--and she wants to experiment on the Sibling, who is effectively a deadeye. 

This is interesting, because we’ve already seen a deadeye start to respond to people--Mayalaran. Is spren necromancy going to get a day in the sun in this book? Please, please let spren necromancy through the power of friendship be a plot point. 

Anyway, Leshwi offers Venli to Raboniel as an aide, while wanting Venli to spy for her on Raboniel’s plans; Venli is happy about being on this strike, because she wants to see if she can find someone who can teach her how to be a Radiant. 

We also get this good note from Leshwi, which--to me--calls back the fact that there’s a whole narrative about if war can be honorable happening here: 

“Extinction is the natural escalation of this war,” Leshwi whispered. “If you forget why you are fighting, then victory itself becomes the goal. The longer we fight, the more detached we become. Both from our own minds, and from our original Passions.” She hummed softly to abashment.

We get back to Kaladin, who pushed through the worst of his depressive episode (although I would note that this could support the idea that something Odium-y is making it worse; now he’s in the Tower, it’s Regular Depression which he’s better at dealing with). Sigzil has now been put in charge of administration for the Windrunners; Kaladin tried to make it Teft but Teft was like absolutely not, fuck you for suggesting it. 

Kaladin goes to find Zahel, wanting to talk to him, and finds him doing laundry; on the way he talks to Rlain, who is overseeing people growing plants by gemlight and music, which is how the listeners used to do it. Rlain gets excited at the mention of an honorspren who will work with him, but when Kaladin explains the situation, he demurs--understandably. 

“I will wait for a spren who will bond me for who I am--and for the honor I represent.”

Rlain--in particular Rlain, who knows the experience of being forced into partnerships and jobs you don’t want--doesn’t want a spren who sees him as a burden or something that they don’t want to bond, and that’s completely valid of him. 

Anyway, Kaladin finds Zahel hanging up bright scarves in the laundry; Kaladin asks Zahel if he should join the martial ardents as a solution to what he should do next, noting that Zahel “couldn’t give up the sword.” 

“Oh, I gave it up. I let go. Best mistake I ever made.” 

YEAH, AND NOW YOUR SWORD SON IS TERRORIZING ROSHAR, VASHER. 

Well, not terrorizing. Mostly it’s just with Szeth, who is...somewhere around here, probably. Somewhere Zahel is avoiding at all costs bc Nightblood would take one look at him and just start yelling. 

Zahel spars with Kaladin, fully exploiting the colored cloth around them and his own style of fighting while talking to Kaladin about why he fights. In the end, he says he can’t sponsor Kaladin--because Kaladin still loves fighting too much for him to really be an ardent. Kaladin also notes that Zahel fights like Azure--Zahel irritably corrects that she fights like him. 

God I really want to see Azure and Zahel on the same page. Vasher you can’t run forever. 

There’s also a meta discussion; Zahel talks about the different levels of invested beings, and how he’s had to update it from the time in Warbreaker he did the same thing. He notes that for people like him: 

“We’re spren masquerading as men. That’s why she takes our memories. She knows we aren’t the actual people who died, but something else given a corpse to inhabit...” 

So that’s both interesting and rather somber; “she” in this case is of course Endowment. I’m not entirely sure what to make of this bit, other than that it’s sad and interesting in that it draws a comparison with the Fused, who do a similar thing but instead of taking the shape/personality of the corpse they’re inhabiting, kill it and replace it. 

Also, I’m not sure Zahel is right, here, because Lightsong did remember his past as the story went on, and did remember emotional connection to people from his past. So there might be more there than Zahel is giving it credit for. 

[bl597]

requested by my dear @whack-ed ♡: "não resisti e vou escrever isso em pt, pq sim kkkkkk. okay, então primeiro parabéns pelos 300 seguidores cara, isso é bom demais! pra comemorar junto eu queria um 🍒. Sonserina, bissexual, ela/dela, teatro/escrever/desenhar/costurar, cabelos e olhos castanhos, o cabelo liso e curtinho. cara, pra simplificar, eu me descreveria com essa musica "Good Girls - Elle King". é isso meu amor, e de novo, parabéns! vc merece <3"

I accidentally posted the request and I had to delete it jssjksskjdjd anywayssss obrigada meu amor!!! 🥺❤ eu ia responder em português, mas me sinto meio estranha já que tô meio acostumada em escrever em inglês sksjdjdkdjk espero que tu goste!! 💕

warnings: just fluff, really. it took me a very long time to finish it because i procrastinate quite a lot hahaha i need to stop doing it, i really suck at writing headcanons maybe i'll start writing blurbs instead of them hmmmm. a few curse words i guess :p, english is not my first language, so i'm sorry for any mistakes! requests are closed for now!!

my masterlist ♡

I ship you with... Fred Weasley!

okay so first of all

you + Freddie = chaos

you two started dating on your fifth year

and you and the twins always pulled prank together

Filch hates you three so much skshdkdjd

you always used the Marauders map - before the twins gave it to Harry - to sneak around in the middle of the night

and if you ever happened to be caught, you always found a way to get out of this

because come on

you probably study theater and you're an amazing actress

so you could always come up with an excuse for why you were outside bed at past cutfew

not that the teachers actually believed it tho

and Fred just thought you were bloody brilliant because?????

how could he not!!

and he always smiles like a fool when you try to convince the teachers that you did nothing wrong

even though the strong smell of dungbomb literally reports you guys

oK

he didn't really like you at first

because you're a Slytherin and he thought you were an asshole just like most of your housemates

but turns out that you're different from them

you're so unique and so you

with all your sarcasm and cheeky replies

he couldn't help but fall hard for you

so one day he just randomly asked you out

and you said yes bc you thought he was cool too

and also bc hes fred fucking weasley i mean?????

so after a little while you started dating

and oh boy is this man the best boyfriend ever

he always flirts with you, no matter how long you've been dating

because he loves the tiny little blush that spreads over your cheeks

Fred loves to cuddle you and to run his hands through your soft short hair

and omg your eyes

he swears he could spend the rest of his life just admiring them

because they're so beautiful!!!

he will always support you

either it's with your passion for theater

or you art

or anything you do

he loves it all and always lets you know how much he appreciates them and you

he loves it when you read the things you wrote

because you write things so beautifully and so wonderfully

and the proud small smile you give him when he asks you to read to him is enough to improve his whole week

he also loves your drawings and how you put your heart in every single line of it

you once drew him and he almost cried a bit

you always cheer for him during quidditch matches

even though your housemates give you disappointed looks

you couldn't care less

you just wanted to support ya boy

ok so

about his family

they were extremely happy for Fred when he told them he was dating

but they were a bit apprehensive when they found out you were a little snake

because of the house bad fame and everything

but he was fast to calm them down and say you weren't like the other Slytherins

and didn't give a shit about blood statuses or some shit like that

so they invited you to spend a week at the Burrow

to get to know you better and to make sure you were a good person for Freddie

and in the very first minutes you spent there

you managed to steal everyone's heart

you got along pretty well with everyone

and they simply loved you almost as much as Freddie boy does

you and Molly would sit down and talk for hours while she teaches you how to knit

she gets even more excited when she learns you know how to sew

anyways

in less than one week, you unofficially became a Weasley :D

Fred loves you and he was extremely happy to see his family loved you too

his family is everything to him and their approval of your relationship was very important to him

~

I ship you with... Sirius Black!

ben barnes is such a cutie

well lets begin shall we

Sirius is head over heels for you

no one can deny it

you'd be just breathing and he'd be like

ohmygod shes so cute hskshsdjdjksajjdjdks

and you two are like the cutest badass couple ever

but at first it was very completely different

simply because you're a snake and he's a lion

and he hated the Slytherin house because of his family

he hated every single person in Slytherin, and he wasn't really ashamed of that

poor baby he deserved a better family than those assholes :(

one day he happened to accidentally bump into you

and he was going to help you

bc his family was shitty but they taught him some manners

but he abruptly stopped when he saw the green in your robes

and he said something rude and left

but you definitely did not stay quiet

so you just argued with him

and told him to go to hell ooops

and he was like :O

and then you left with your classmates bc you were going to be late to Divination

and Sirius was fucking intrigued

i mean???????

and then when they arrived at the Gryffindor common room

Remus scolded him for being rude to people, specifically Slytherins

and told him to apologize for his childishness

and Sirius was like "hahahaha nice joke Moony"

but he realised Remus was being serious

and he was kinda confused bc??? why is he defending the enemies???

anyways

he somehow convinced Sirius to talk to you

which he did, but whining like a child when their parents don't give them a new toy

you thought he was going to say some shit like that day

so you were with your wand in hand, ready to jinx the shit out of him if he did something

that gladly didn't happen

you were extremely confused and you thought it was a prank

but you saw it wasn't

so you accepted his forced apologies

and after some kinda weird moments of you talking

you decided to be not enemies

you weren't friends yet but weren't enemies either

well I'll start the part where you two are dating or else it'll get longer than it already is lol

when you started dating

your housemates were like

what the fuck??

and you just kinda ignored them bc you were actually happy with Sirius

and let me teLl you

Sirius is a smoll bean even though he has this badboy fame

he loves to see the things you wrote or drew

he absolutely loves them and always tells you how talented you are and how proud of you he is

I don't even have to say that you two pull pranks together

you just like to mess around together

bc you like each other's company

and being chaotic is a bonus

i mean, who wouldn't want to pull pranks with Sirius and mess around with him??

when you came out as bi to him he was very supportive and was ready to beat the shit out of anyone who dared to say shit about you or your sexuality

Sirius says lgbtq+ rights and fuck jk rowling

anyways

he was so excited when he transformed into Padfoot in front of you for the first time

and he was so proud of himself when you smiled widely and showered him with questions about it

yay

you always stayed with him after the full moon and helped madam Pomfrey

bc you wanted to see your baby alright :(

Sirius is really into pda and 100% would randomly kiss you in public

just because he can lol

you love each other too much

you're the best couple ever change my mind

[rynhaswritersblock]

internship (hc) | p.p.

summary: tony stark not only helped in bringing together a group of people to protect earth, but also in sparking young love

warnings: i love this one very cute very fun i think i cussed once? idk

+ + +

- we all know peter parker has (had????) an "internship" with tony sTaNk

- but, despite that being fake, tony does actually have an internship program

- and, luckily for you, you're one of tony's most prized interns

- the moment he looked at your resume he knew you'd be a perfect fit

- your extremely rare high level of intellect shocked him

- in fact, you were almost even smarter than the man

- the two of you bonded right away

- at this point you were able to lounge around avenger hq in sweats and no makeup

- one day tony asked you to help him on his new project

- you said yes, ofc

- much to your surprise, this project was spider-man's new suit

- of course you'd seen videos of the web-slinger on youtube (who hadn't?)

- so obviously this project made you very excited

- you got to work right away, coming to the hq everyday after school

- you and tony were extremely proud of the final product

- he asked you to program the AI for the suit (soon-to-be karen!!!!!!!)

- and that was the first time peter saw you

- you were sat on the ground, legs crossed, holograms in the air as you worked

- too focused on your work, you hadn't noticed a certain boy in the doorway

- tony was giving him the rundown on the germany trip while showing him around the place, but peter got sidetracked when he saw you in the office

- the boy stopped dead in his tracks, focus honing in on you

- luckily for you, you had put on some mascara that day

- but you were still donned in some of your best sweatpants and an old shirt from school that was way too big for you

- yet, peter parker being peter parker, couldn't help but be starstruck (STARKstruck???) when he saw you

- well, every girl in the world was gorgeous to him, for goodness sakes

- but something about you caught him off guard

- "mr. stark, who's that?" peter whispered

- an all-too-knowing smirk grew on tony's face

- "y/n!" he called - your head shot up from the holograms and towards the door, where you made immediate eye contact with peter

- it wasn't long before a small blush grew on your face

- as much as you hated to admit it, you couldn't look at a boy (or girl, too, if you're bi or anything!) anymore without mentally rating their appearance - this is what being single your entire life does to a person

- needless to say, peter parker was HIGH on the list of attractiveness 

- you quickly averted your gaze to tony, grin still tugging on his lips

- "yeah?"

- "this is peter." tony responds, gesturing towards the boy

- "h-hi," peter awkwardly blurts, giving a slight wave

- "hey," you reply, maybe a bit too bReAtHlEsSlY

- a few awkward seconds pass before you give the two a slight nod and get back to your work

- tony begins walking away, dragging peter along with him

- peter hurls series of questions about you at the man, which only made tony's smirk grow

- the two of you began to have more and more awkward encounters at the tower

- most of the time, you'd be working and he'd walk by, seeing you either by coincidence or on purpose

- but sometimes you would just be lounging in the living area, stuffing pizza in your mouth as you watched harry potter

- your levels of nonchalance made peter begin to question if you were mr. stark's secret daughter

- but no one needed to know he wondered that

- the more the two of you saw each other, the more you were on each other's minds

- the small "hey"s began to turn into conversations

- the first real conversation was started by peter (which was only possible through a rare burst of confidence)

- it started with the usual "hey"s

- and then peter asked about your internship

- he saw the way your eyes lighted up when he asked the question and it made him feel warm

- the conversation sparked into more:

- "what about you?"

- "what do you mean.. what about me?" peter asked

- "why do i see you here so often?"

- "oh. uh, also... intern... ship."

- the boys heartbeat began to quicken as you raised an eyebrow at him

- "why are you looking at me like that?"

- "nothing," you smile

- the two of you talk about school and life and stuff 

- after peter bids you an awkward goodbye (he has to go train to do spider things!!) he begins to make his way out of the room

- "bye, spider-man," you yell

- peter whirls around, panic present on his face

- "how did you-?"

- "i'm not an idiot, parker."

- it didn't take your genius brain to connect all the dots (especially cause sometimes when you saw him it would be right after he finished training and he'd be all sweaty?????? which made you forget how to breath just a lil??)

- the two of you began holding actual conversations more and more

- you find yourself watching videos of spider-man swinging throughout the city

- the two of you stalk each other on insta, both marveled by the pictures the other posts

- eventually you say yolo and just follow him

- he follows you back literally like two seconds later

- during one of your run-ins at hq he gets all flustered 

- "you okay?"

- "yeah," peter breathes, "uh, could i, uh, if you're okay with it, could i-"

- "dude."

- "sorry. could i please get your number please?"

- a small smile grows on your face before you reach out a hand, the boy hurriedly grabbing his phone and practically shoving it at you

- you type your name in with a little smiley face and then send yourself a quick "hey"

- you found yourself giddily smiling for a solid few minutes after he left

- one day you find yourself scheming on a way to get peter over to the tower (you were bored as heck; you'd already finished your work)

- then you got an idea

- peter was over mere minutes after you texted him

- he rings the buzzer and you tell F.R.I.D.A.Y. to let him in

- "hey," he greets, breathless from the speed at which he hurried over to the tower

- "tony said i need to start doing checkups on your suit every once and a while," you say, silently thanking your acting skills

- "oh," peter nods, "okay"

- he follows you down to the lab, mask still in hand and suit flush on his body 

- you reach one of the large tables, stopping and sucking in a breath before giving him a slightly expectant look

- "i.." you hesitate, "i'm gonna need your..."

-"oh!" peter says with realization

- and then realization hit again

- "uh.. i don't have any other clothes..."

- your face burns bright red before you open your mouth again

- "okay um.. either you're gonna have to hide in the bathroom until i'm done or we try to do it with you still inside the suit... it's just that there'd be a lot of touching if you choose that.." you ebb off at the end of your sentence, chewing on the inside of your lip

- peter immediately gets flustered

- "uh, we can just.. try it... with the suit on........?"

- you nod, taking a nervous step towards him and beginning to mentally berate yourself for not entirely thinking this through

- peter takes a shaky inhale and accidentally takes in the scent of your perfume

- which makes him begin to freak out a little

- you lay a wary hand on him and peter swears he's going to faint

- the two of you had never touched and peter already had a bit too huge of a crush on you

- so this was a lot for him 

- and his heightened senses didn't help

- you carefully (and very awkwardly) press the spider in the middle of his chest - peter starts silently praying you can't hear/feel his heartbeat

- the suit loosens and begins to slip off of his shoulders and you gasp slightly, furiously grabbing it and pulling it up

- "sorry," you smile sheepishly

- peter just half-smiles crookedly as he watches you refocus on the suit

- you give him a wary look before reaching in through the neck and wandering your hand towards the center of the suit

- your attempts to not touch him fail

- your hand brushes against his extremely toned stomach

- the breath catches in both of your throats

- yet you somehow continue, the two of you refusing to even dare to look at each other

- to your surprise, you find a wire out of place

- peter watches as your face scrunches up a lil in focus and melts just a little bit

- your fiddling doesn't get the problem fixed and out of frustration, you tug a little bit

- which causes the suit to slip off of his shoulders

- which causes peter's entire top half to become exposed, the only thing holding the suit up being your hands grasping the wires

- a blush spreads on your cheeks like wildfire as you look down to see the waistband of peter's underwear

- a small squeak involuntarily flies out of peter's mouth, making him mentally punch himself

- your flusteredness disappears when you focus your gaze slightly, seeing red and blue figures scattered across the boy's briefs

- a small laugh falls from your lips

- peter wants to run away

- your small laughter turns into a wheeze

- poor petey just stands there awkwardly

- "pete, are those..."

- you can barely breathe as you double over in laughter

- "are those spider-man underwear????"

- the slightest and weariest of smiles begins to creep on the boy's face

- "maybe..?" he says quietly, voice high

- "that's the best thing i've seen all day"

- eventually you focus again and fix his suit, the uncomfortable atmosphere getting replaced by the two of you joking around

- ever since that day the two of you would become a bit more touchy

- also almost forgot to mention that tony was watching the security camera that day and saw  e v e r y t h i n g  and loved it

- like peter would join you in watching movies after the two of you finished your work at hq

- you'd joke around by stacking your legs on top of each other and kicking each other

- your laughter literally made him so happy

- and you felt the same way about his

- one time you were watching a scary movie (peter intentionally made this happen so you would hopefully want to cuddle)

- a jump scare freaked you the FCK out and you immediately grabbed his hand - even though you cursed yourself, it made peter's day

- probably his whole month

- or life

- every time you got scared, you somehow gravitated closer to the boy, hands still laced together

- by the end of the movie you were curled into him, his arm around you and your head on his shoulder, legs hung over his

- and then the next day you two saw each other and literally pRETENDED THAT NOTHING HAD HAPPENED

- this made the avengers (who had caught onto y'alls chemistry very quickly) quite upset

- the group would tease you two so much kjvhgcjvkl it like wasn't even funny

- when peter discovered his AI (karen!! "hello?? hELLO????") (if you know the exact part i'm talking about i LOVE YOU)

- he immediately thought about you

- "wow, y/n really outdid herself”

- "yes, she did. also, she says hi." the AI responded

- "oh! uhh, i say hi back!"

- (pure angel)

- alright folks now i'm gonna get a little less detailed because i'm past 2000 words at this point and i think we can all tell that i got a bit carried away but let's keep going!

- essentially, the two of you just kept getting closer

- despite the two of you going to different schools, you still had fun lil study parties

- eventually you migrated from the tower and went to each others houses

- peter LOVES your room because it's literally you

- and same goes vice versa

- one day you were walking to the subway to get to the tower after school (beautiful fall afternoon, btw) and peter swung by and scooped you up 

- you screamed a little at the beginning but then got used to it and and had fun and just kinda giggled in his ear the rest of the time

- peter began to worry a little as he swung through the city bc he was so enamored by your laughter all he wanted to do was stop on a roof and kiss you

- and then the idea sparked in his head that he could

- he panicked a little because you two were just buildings away from the tower

- and with one huge swing he landed the two of you on some random roof

- you slipped off of him, eyebrows furrowed as you looked around you

- "pete? this isn't the tow-"

- the boy ripped off his mask (which hurt his nose a little if he was being honest) and stepped towards you, quickly pressing his lips against yours and pulling away just as fast

- "holy shit, dude," you whisper after a moment, head spinning 

- "holy shit?" he asks nervously

- "holy shit."

- you let out an ungodly snort and wheeze, smiles breaking on both of your faces and you let your head drop, pressing it into peter's chest

- you felt him laugh against you and you realized how happy you were (and lowkey hated how cliche it felt but it's fine)

- when you finally caught your air and pulled your head away, the two of you looked at each other with the most shit-eating, cliche, best-friends-turned-something-more smiles

- after a second, with the most boyish grin that made your heart melt, peter asked,

- "wanna make out?"

- "peter!" + + +

peter parker has my entire heart

[novantinuum]

Bi the Way...

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: Teen

Words: 2.8K~

Pairings: Steven/Connie

Summary: Connie has a question, and also something to say.

Or: the one where Connie comes out as bisexual :D Set post Steven Universe: The Movie.

You can find the AO3 link in the reblogs! (I have to omit it from the original post these days to ensure this will show up in the tags.) If you enjoyed this, I’d greatly appreciate your support through reblogs here, or kudos on AO3 as well.

---

Bi the Way...

Outside the familiar coziness of Steven’s bedroom, the late autumn rain pours steadily, the choppy waters of the Atlantic crashing onto shore with a ferociousness Connie hasn’t seen for a number of months. Historically, Beach City has been blessed to be host to consistently good weather. But even the most consistently stable meteorological systems aren’t immune to the odd unexpected shake-up. It’s a necessity to clear the air with a great thunderous clap, sometimes. It relieves pressure that’s built up long term amongst the clouds. It leaves the atmosphere noticeably cleaner, the dirt below sparkling with that fresh scent that comes about after torrents of cool rain.

On this particular afternoon, she’s found that this is a lesson that holds just as true for people as it does the weather.

It begins with a stray comment, as things often do.

They’re watching TV, the two of them, tangled together on his bed. About once a week they’ll try to have one of these cuddle sessions, just some time alone together to relax and enjoy each other’s company in private. Working alongside a myriad of Gems to aid in the restructuring of an entire society can be excruciatingly stressful at points, and so can rigorous AP classes and the eye-rolling drudgery of high school drama. There’s no placing a hierarchy on these things for them, no matter their outward difficulty or importance, they’re all just... the challenges in life they have to win. And on occasion, they’re the challenges they need a quiet break from. Both of them are no stranger to throwing themselves at a problem and working endlessly towards a solution until they hit rock bottom and crash, but over the years they’ve started to recognize this tendency for the bad habit it is. It’s okay to take 'me' time, Connie’s constantly reminding Steven (and herself) whenever she catches him about to stubbornly sneak away to the galaxy warp with clear stress lines rimming his eyes. And without fail he’ll groan halfheartedly, knowing he’s been caught red-handed, and retire to his room to relax with a book or a board game or a few rounds of Lonely Blade: Resurgence instead.

Today’s workaholic distraction is a marathon of old Under the Knife episodes. It’s been a while since they’ve binged through this show, and when Steven brought it up and she started to feel super nostalgic about it, in a flash their entertainment for the afternoon was selected.

“Gosh, I honestly forgot how good this is,” he says in the middle of an episode, nudging her arm with his elbow. “The satirical nonsense, the passion, the drama? Eh?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty pulpy,” she giggles, nudging him right back. Then, directed at the unhearing characters on screen: “Ughh, Marigold, come on, just go out with him already! We all know you like him!”

“I can’t believe they kept this a slow burn for five entire seasons,” he comments, pursing his lips. “They’re literally perfect for each other!”

Connie throws her arms down against the mattress, palms stretched wide open. “I know, right?? Adrien’s like, a total dreamboat of a man.”

“Yeah, he is pretty cute,” Steven says, an unmistakable blush coloring his face and ears.

Connie pauses upon hearing this, gazing at her boyfriend thoughtfully with a soft smile as he continues to watch this old episode with the same level of investment he exhibited upon its first airing. He props his chin in the cradle of his hands, which of course only further exaggerates the curve of his chubby cheeks. His eyes are blown wide with youthful endeavor, the TV’s glow glinting against his irises in a myriad of continuously shifting colors. He is pretty cute, she thinks, his own adorably smitten words echoing through her mind. And then that blush...

There’s a question she’s had for quite a while but has never asked. Something she’s suspected of him, but had no concrete proof of. The reason? Even if they’re best friends, and now— boyfriend and girlfriend on top of that— the idea of asking him something like this just felt too... what’s the word... invasive. Not that there’s anything wrong with discussing this sort of stuff, no, no, of course not! That’s definitely not what she means. But talking about something as important as this, she just knows it would turn into an in-depth conversation, as most worldly topics tend to do with Steven Universe, and it’s only inevitable this conversation would eventually turn back on her. On why she cared to ask in the first place. And that answer was... well, straightforward, but something she’s not sure she’s ready to broadcast. As if she’s taken command of but a single fragment of Garnet’s future vision, in her restless mind she’s already mapped out what feels like every possible response he could have to her. Most of them are no more than anxiety laced fabrications, things he would never ever dare think of with his upbringing, but believe her when she says she’s been burdened with considering every possible outcome in great, excruciating length.

Now that she knows for sure there’s a strong chance he’s the same way, however... that narrows down these possibilities significantly.

Connie threads her fingers together, gathering the courage.

Come on, you. It’s just Steven. No script, no planning, just... say it!

She opens her mouth to speak before her anxiety laden mind can beg to differ.

“By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask- do you like girls and guys?”

Steven glances away from the television set to meet her curiosity head on. “Oh, you mean like, romantically?”

Running in automatic, she nods in confirmation. Here she goes. The answer to both her spoken question, and the question of which river of possibility this conversation will careen down.

He grins, scratching at the side of his neck. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I guess I do! But I think I could like anyone, really. Guys, gals, none of the above. Doesn’t matter to me. That’s... okay, yes?”

“Silly, of course it’s okay! You don’t need my permission to like who you like. I just asked because I-“ Her heart pounds as she pauses briefly, focusing on the nervous jitters, but not in fear. Not anymore. Instead, that soft fluttering in her heart is nothing less than sheer exhilaration. She parts her lips once more, bravely speaking her inner truth into reality for the first time in her life. “I’m like that too. I... I’m bisexual.”

Her boyfriend’s whole expression lights up so bright she may as well be looking at a newborn star.

“Oh, really? That’s awesome!” he says, throwing an arm around her shoulder to side hug her. (Knowing him, his keen empathetic ability likely led him to sense the internal battle she waltzed through just to state this out loud.)

The forgotten soap opera continues to play in the background as Connie gives a bashful laugh.

“Hehe, glad you think so. You’re actually, um... the first person I’ve ever said that out loud to,” she says, blushing.

Steven looks as if he’s about to say something in response, but then he pauses— fades into a silence that’s deliberate and measured— as he gazes back at her. Drinks in the moment. Wonders how he could be so lucky to hold her trust like this, or how— heck, he could be thinking anything, she has no idea! Unlike him she can only catch small glimpses into how he feels, the truth woven like gossamer threads through his words and actions, but in this one hallowed moment she doesn’t need to guess. The spark of affection dancing within his dark eyes is soft, perhaps softer than he’s ever looked at her before.

More than anything, Connie feels seen. Years back, long before sword training and Gem missions, long before that fateful day she discovered the beautiful temple (it looked like it could very well be a Hindu goddess, and that cultural connection alone made this slice of beach instantly familiar) hidden on the other side of the hill and decided to park herself there with a book, she’d grown used to feeling invisible. Before she bravely chose to step into this world of magic, it’s as if she forgot that she even had a choice to stand out, to openly shine as the unique, extraordinary individual she is. Admittedly, she still struggles with that to this day. But whenever she’s with him, with her Steven? It’s as if her universe explodes into a kaleidoscope of dizzying color where everything is so, so beloved and worthwhile. She’s worthwhile.

She can only hope being with her makes him feel the same way.

“I know it’s silly after everything we’ve been though,” she continues in time, still having a few things on her mind she suddenly has an exhilarating need to set free, “but I always kinda worried that people... would belittle me for it, I guess. Especially my parents. That like, there’s some upper limit to the number of unusual things about my life they’ll accept.”

“It’s not that unusual, though,” Steven says with a shrug. “I mean, Ruby and Sapphire are legally married. Sure, the Gems aren’t exactly women, but they do present that way. And then Pearl was in love with Mom, of course. Oh, and Amethyst once told me, and I quote, that ‘like a whip, I swing in every direction.’”

Connie snorts at this, and even he can’t help but laugh.

“Let’s see, what else...” he muses, peering at the ceiling thoughtfully as he continues to list the queer individuals he knows of. “Jenny, Buck, and Sour Cream are all dating each other. Mr. Smiley finally reconnected for real with his old comedy partner, and they’re dating. And my dad may not be seeing anyone but he’s always been openly pansexual.”

“Well, it’s not usual in my family,” she says glumly, nestling her chin into his bed’s comforter as the terrifying possibility of rejection hits her harder than expected. Her glance roams. On the television screen, the episode they were watching had paused automatically, a message asking if they’re still there popping up. Clearly it’s been a while since anyone’s handled the remote. She blinks past tears, shame settling at the pit of her stomach for even daring to cry them when others have gone through so much worse, and you’re lucky, what do you even have to feel lost about, and suddenly she begins to feels shameful just for feeling shame, and what cyclical, bittersweet irony is that, and what’s wrong with her, why can’t she stop obsessing over distant possibilities that likely have zero chances of coming to pass, why can’t she—

Steven breaks through her downward spiral with a gentle hand on her shoulder, rubbing away the physical evidence of her stress. She melts into his touch, forever smitten by this kind of casual intimacy they get to experience together here, alone. It’s innocent, still merely the wandering hands of two teenagers barely beginning to break the boundaries between close friendship and romance, but when words fail she’s discovered that touch can be a language of its own. And right here, right now, she knows he’s talking her down from the mountain of anxiety she’s marooned herself on. He’s leapt effortlessly into the stormy sky and cradled her in his arms, ready to float back to Earth’s surface together.

Outside, the rain continues to slap in rhythmic sheets against the deck. She shivers. Maybe it’s in reaction to the gloomy weather beyond the sliding glass door, maybe it’s despite it. She has no idea.

Steven scoots forward on his belly a bit, and rolls to his side so they can talk face to face without turning their heads. During this, his shirt rides up— ever so slightly— ambient light catching on the lower facets of his gem. The reassurance found in that beautiful, familiar smile of his is dizzying. “Well, at least no matter what happens with your family, you have more than one, huh?“ he says.

“Yeah,” she breathes shakily, eyes glistening with emotion at the metaphorical hand he’s extending with that statement.

Hopefully it’ll never have to come to that, though.

“I do think my parents will be fine with it, if I ever do tell them,” she continues, dabbing the dampness from her eyes. “Especially my mom. She works with queer patients all the time at the hospital, so she’s pretty used to stuff like that. I just... get anxious sometimes.”

“Yeah, I get that. It’s tough dealing with identity stuff.”

She hums, mind immediately harking to the years he spent doubting his own personhood. Seeking any kind of physical connection she can get, she nuzzles her cheek against his forearm, which he’s currently leaning on. They lay there like that in comfortable silence for a good while. Steven, laying on his side, one hand lazily trailing through her wavy hair, and her, curled up close to his heartbeat, hugging his free arm.

“Hey, while we’re on the topic, can I ask you something?” he asks eventually.

She nods. “Anything.”

“How’d you distinguish bi from pan, when you were figuring all this out? I know they’re pretty similar, and my dad tried to explain it a while ago when I asked, but I still don’t exactly get the nuances.”

Connie shifts to sit up, pursing her lips as she considers her words here. She’s done a lot of research into queer identity in her time, checking out books from the school library and looking up stuff online on incognito mode, but there’s probably still a ton of holes in her knowledge. “Hmm, okay... so I’m no sole authority on any of this of course, but to the best of my knowledge bi means you’re attracted to two or more genders, and pan means you’re attracted to people, but like... their gender isn’t really a factor in the way you experience that at all? I‘m pretty sure? There seems to be a lot of overlap. From what I’ve read people just sorta pick whatever feels the best to them.”

“Huh, that makes sense,” Steven says. “So picking labels is kinda like fusion, then! Whenever I fuse, we decide our own name, and it’s sorta... based on a feeling, y’know?”

“Yeah! And like, with Stevonnie... Even though Amethyst kinda inspired the name, they still had to figure out who they were as a person on their own.”

“Exactly! And then, even if two fusions are made of the same gem types, they could still have different names because they’re different people, and that’s what they choose. Anyways, that’s just what this reminded me of,” he says, glancing up at her with a bashful smile. “Honestly... I don’t actually know how I identify.”

The corner of her lips edge upwards. “That’s fine,” she reassures him with a pat, “it took me a while to sort through all this stuff.”

“I really wanna figure it out, have a word for it, but nothing’s clicked yet. For a while I thought I was pansexual like my dad, but that didn’t quite... feel right. Like—“ he too shifts to sit up, folding his feet under his legs as he continues to speak— “I love getting to kiss you, but no offense, I don’t... know if I'll ever want to have- to do anything more than that, y’know?”

She snickers at his inability to simply say the word sex. He’s seventeen now, he knows full well what that is, yet still his faux innocence on the matter remains. It’s one of his charms.

“None taken. Love and attraction is a bizarre, complicated world.”

“You can say that again.”

“Bogus.”

“Whack,” he agrees with a playful grin. Reaching for the remote, he presses play a few times to wake up their streaming site. The episode starts up right where it left off, and they continue to watch together, the air somehow feeling sweeter after her much needed release of emotion.

The satirical medical drama quickly fades into the background, though, as Steven’s hand curls around hers.

“Hey,” he says quietly, blushing. “Even if I don’t know everything about labels yet, I do know one thing for sure.”

She raises a curious brow. “What?”

“I know I love you.”

And before she can open her mouth to respond in kind, he’s kissing her cheek, swooping in like a bandit just like she did for the first time all those months ago, and her heart swells with affection for this boy. He leaves her with one kiss, then two. At the exact moment she turns her head to reciprocate— to sneak a gentle kiss to his cheek right back— he turns as well and she ends up meeting him at the lips. It’s but a quick peck, but she's almost floating. The two of them stifle a laugh as they gaze at each other, their noses almost brushing together.

“Hey, it stopped raining,” he comments then, grinning against her cheek.

She drapes her arms around his shoulders, and hugs him close. Her eyes trail to the glass sliding door. The clouds outside are still thick, but after releasing their load they’re visibly lighter now.

“Yeah,” she breathes, feeling her muscles finally relax as she sinks into her best friend’s embrace. “Yeah, I guess it finally has.”

[reylo-trash-4ever]

HELLO REYLO FAM!!!

Wow... I am incredibly nervous about posting this because I haven’t shared my writing in years, but the incredible @lana-n95 gave me the idea when I made my prompts post, and I just rolled with it and made it an entire fic. SO HERE YA GO! 

Shout out to @scav-eng-er for being my Reylo Soul Mate and literally giving me the courage to do this!! I couldn’t ask for a better support group in @mojona1999 and @firethebluesky as well! You lovely people are who keep me going and I promise I’m working on getting us all a group chat so we can be friends for life.

This will be updated fairly regularly, but please do not expect a lot yet. I’m working towards bi-weekly, but for right now, this is all I have. I hope you enjoy! EEK!!

“The Game” - a Reylo AU

Universe: AU/Modern day New York

Rating: M (this chapter only has some mild language and sexual themes)

Word Count: 3629

Pairing: Rey and Ben Solo

PART ONE:

The New York winds were especially biting that December morning as Rey made her way through the bustling streets of the city. She wove in and out of passersby as everyone went about their day, each individual having separate lives, separate troubles, and separate dreams.

Rey had quite a few dreams of her own, but they were sometimes hard to make into reality. She had worked her ass off to get to where she was today, though. It was a great and classic story; a ‘nobody’ girl who came from the rural countryside making it big in the city. She’d always been passionate about helping people and doing what she could for the underdog, probably because she had felt like one all her life. Nobody thought she could do it, but she graduated at the top of her class in almost every subject, excelled in sports, and even dabbled in the theatrical arts when she had time. Her determination and hard work didn’t leave room for many friendships, but she didn’t mind putting all of that behind her when she moved to the city to study law.

College was good to her. She finally met some people she would call lifelong friends. She studied hard, and she learned harder. She was still kind of a ‘loner’ at heart, never really being the person to be seen out at parties, bars, or clubs. Every once in awhile she let herself go crazy, but it was rare. So much so that her friends started calling her “The Black Cat” because it was such a shock, and slightly unnerving, whenever she actually showed up to events. She knew the superstitions and implications surrounding a black cat, and she easily could have taken offense at the nickname, but Rey secretly liked it. Let her be known for her sly, hard work and mystery, not how well liked and popular she was or wasn’t.

It was this mentality that ultimately landed her a job as an intern at Skywalker and Associates straight out of college. It was a miracle from the stars that she got accepted into one of the top law firms in the state so soon after graduating. She didn’t really believe in a “higher power”, but something up there in the infinite galaxies must have been on her side. She knew she was good, and had the potential to be the best, but she had never before had the resources due to her upbringing. The opportunity was something she would never be ungrateful for.

It had been almost eight months since she started interning, and already she was making her way up in the company. Her dedication to cases and her keen eye for detail had gained her the attention of some of the more prominent names in the office and she hoped it was enough to be the next Jr. Partner.

Rey pulled off the street to step into a small coffee shop. A little bell chimed as she pushed open the door and the wondrous smells filled her nose as she took a deep breath in. The warmth filled her body and was almost a shock coming from such a drastic difference only seconds before, but she welcomed the comfort.

She stepped in line and perused the menu, even though she already knew what she wanted. It was the same thing she always got - a french press, dark roast with just a little bit of half and half - as she was a woman of pattern and repetition. Getting the same thing day in and day out had never bothered her. It was safe, it was what she knew. Why risk something that would rock the boat? Even though she didn’t normally believe in “luck”, she didn’t want to risk it today. This was her chance to finally start doing real cases and to work on projects that would make a difference.

“Would you like to round up your order and donate to the Children’s Hospital for the holidays?”

The barista’s voice took her out of her own head after she had apparently told them her order without thinking. Rey smiled and nodded her head quickly in response. She felt in a ‘giving mood’ that morning. Send as much “good karma” out into the universe as she could.

“Thank you so much, and have a nice day!”

The words faded into the hustle and bustle of the crowd as Rey stepped away and waited for her drink. She dug her phone out of her pocket and soon got lost in social media, scrolling mindlessly. Friends and distant family passed her screen, seeming to all be living happy and comfortable lives with their loved ones.

Rey had always wished for that kind of security and ‘home’. It was one of the reasons she worked as hard as she did, so she could hopefully someday give that life to herself. The one she never had, but always wanted. Her mother passed away when she was in grade school and her father left before she was even born. Being an only child, her uncle had offered to take her in, but he was a bachelor with a demanding job and very little time for another human being besides himself. He wasn’t the worst person in the world and they got along well enough, he was just never really much of a ‘parental figure’. She learned early on that she would have to find her own place in the world, and her fierce determination was set from that moment on.

She didn’t know why this was the morning of reminiscing, but something about the possibility of change must have had her brain in that mode. Rey brushed off the weirdness as she got up out of her seat after hearing her name being called. She made her way through the crowded cafe and grabbed her coffee.

She turned to leave, thanking the employee behind the counter again over her shoulder, when suddenly, she was almost knocked off her feet by an incoming stranger. She caught herself and her coffee, thankful for the lid stuck solidly to the cup, and turned around with a glare.

A tall man with broad shoulders and dark, shoulder length hair had been the culprit. His tall frame towered over her, but he seemed intent on barely even acknowledging her in his attempt to rush past. She caught his attention though, and he turned to look back at her over his shoulder. Rey, astounded by the audacity of the stranger, continued to glare and silently dared him to apologize for the discrepancy.

The man simply blinked at her for the briefest of moments, a glint in his dark eyes as they gazed back at her with an air of pride and so little remorse that it sent a shiver down her spine. Then, without a word, he continued on his way as if he had never hit her at all.

Rey scoffed angrily and whipped around on her heels as quickly as she could to get out of the coffee shop, now with a sour taste in her mouth. Some people are just assholes, she concluded as she once again walked out the door. A gust of blistering cold air hit her face and she closed her eyes. She tightened her scarf around her neck and pulled it up so that it was covering her nose, trying to shelter as much of her face as she could. God, she hated the cold...

***

It was as busy as always at the office. Rey quickly got lost in her work, and she didn’t realize how much time had passed before she heard her co-worker, Rose, calling her name.

“Do you ever take a break?”

The short cropped, black haired girl crossed her arms over the top of Rey’s desktop computer, forcing her to break from her work. She couldn’t help but smile when looking up into her ever cheerful, grinning face.

“I don’t have time for a break,” Rey said, trying to see past the distraction.

“I admire your dedication,” Rose stood on her tiptoes to lean over and look at Rey’s computer upside down. She was one of Rey’s favorite coworkers. Unlike the other women, she didn’t sit around the office and gossip all day, but had just about as much dedication to her job as Rey did. Well, almost as much.

“Did you hear about Rex and Ava?”

“Oh my God, no! Did they hook up?”

The chatter of the women standing behind them was too much for Rey. The office was notorious for rumors, especially of the romantic kind. Apparently, the people who worked there were infatuated with who was dating who, who had an affair with who, and who slept with who. Personally, Rey wanted nothing to do with it and couldn’t care less about the love lives of her coworkers. Unless it was Rose, but one of the things Rey liked about her was that she was pretty private and kept her personal life separate from her work life.

“I heard they got lunch yesterday and-”

“That’s crazy! I thought she was seeing that Lando guy from Brooklyn-”

“Look,” Rose said, “you eventually have to take a break. You know that, right? It’s bad for your mental health to be so busy all the time. And it’s kind of required by law.”

Rey smiled at her friend. “I know,” she said, placing her palm on Rose’s head and softly pushed it back so that she had to move off of her computer, “and thank you for caring, but I’m alright.”

“You would let me know if you weren’t, right?”

“I heard that the CEO’s son was going to start here in the new year.”

“No way! That arrogant jerk wants nothing to do with his father’s company. And he’s supposedly a real ‘ladies man’.”

“But I heard he’s super attractive and has that ‘rich bad boy’ vibe. Wouldn’t that be so hot?”

“Well, I have to admit, that would be a welcome change around here.”

Rey tried to drown out the distractions of the noises and she managed to plaster another reassuring smile on her face. “Of course I would.”

“It’s a long shot, but we’re all getting drinks at Naboo’s, that new cocktail bar down the street, if you’d like to join us?” Rose asked, motioning to a few of the other women who were all filing behind her and collecting their coats and respective purses. Her dark eyes begged Rey to come along, and she hated to disappoint, but she knew she didn’t want to go.

“I wish I could,” Rey said with a hint of genuine sadness in her voice, “but I just have so much work to do. I was planning on staying a little late tonight anyway.”

“Well, you can’t blame me for trying,” Rose chuckled with a shrug. She turned to leave and gave Rey a little wave over her shoulder.

“Have fun without me,” Rey called after her as she walked away, grabbing her own coat as she passed by the coat rack.

“Would be more fun with you,” Rose teased. There was a small ding and the now collective group of men and women who were leaving for the day clamored into the elevator.

Rey watched as the doors slid shut and just like that, it was silent in the office. She let out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding and sighed with relief. It was always nice when she could be here by herself. She found that she got more work done with less distractions. She wouldn’t be there that late anyway and her bosses didn’t mind as long as it helped further the business. Some of them were still working in their own offices, so she wasn’t completely alone.

She grabbed her laptop to take to the conference room and finish some paperwork on a particularly difficult case. Although, she quickly discovered that maybe not taking a single break that day, even to eat, was probably an issue. Her stomach growled and at first she tried to ignore it, but when her hunger headache began, she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep it up for too much longer.

With a long sigh, Rey stood and made her way to the break room. Taking a peek through the floor to ceiling windows, she could see the city all lit up for the evening. There was something special about New York at night, but especially around the holidays. People had candles in their windows and hung colorful lights on balconies and railings and really wherever they could find space. She loved upstate, and not just because of the expensive look of her surroundings and the other rich things it had to offer, but because the city really did look stunning at night. Like a million, twinkling stars, but unlike the unreachable night sky above, if you reached out to touch them, they were almost in your grasp.

***

After making a quick protein filled smoothie, Rey went back to the empty room to finish her work. Only, when she got there, she discovered that she was not alone.

A man lounged in her chair, his back towards her. Without even seeing him standing, she could tell how tall he was just by how far his legs extended out from under him. He was sitting with his feet propped up on another chair close to him, one leg crossed over the other, and he was staring at her open laptop. The light from the screen illuminated his frame and she couldn’t see past his thick shoulders and broad upper torso. Something about him was so familiar to her, but she didn’t care enough to think too deeply on it as her focus was more caught on how he was snooping in on her personal case.

“Excuse me, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” She said sharply, expecting to see him jump in surprise at being caught, but he didn’t move a muscle. Instead, she heard a calm, deep voice come from the opposite side of his large body.

“I’m reading.”

The response was simple, but the tone of it made her feel like she was the stupid one for even having asked the question in the first place.

“That’s my laptop,” she said plainly, taken off guard and not knowing how else to react.

“Is it? That’s interesting,” the man sounded bored and Rey thought for a second that he didn’t even seem to be listening to her at all.

“I’m sorry, but can I have my seat back? I was working on an important case.” Rey took a few defiant steps closer, trying to be as brave as she could. Something about this man unnerved her and she was suddenly very aware that she was alone with a stranger in an almost completely empty and dark room.

“I can see that,” he said, reaching a hand up to his face and rubbing his chin, “you’ve missed something important in your report though.” He still didn’t turn to her, but his other hand appeared beside him and he wiggled two fingers, motioning for her to come over to him. Rey felt her face heat with anger and embarrassment. How dare this strange man try to correct her on her case. Who did he think he was, anyway?!

Against her better judgement, Rey couldn’t suppress her pride and she realized she had to know what he was talking about. She’d looked over this case for almost an entire week now, and she was sure there was no way she could have missed a thing. It was a pretty cut and dry case, anyway. A man cheated on his fiance and she was suing him, hoping to make him pay for all the money her and her family had already spent on the upcoming wedding.

“What are you talking about?” Rey asked bluntly as she stepped over to the man. She leaned over his shoulder and squinted her eyes in the laptop light, trying to find the discrepancy she was sure was nowhere to be found.

“Right here,” the man’s deep voice was directly in her ear and she could feel his hot breath on her neck, instantly sending shivers down her spine, “the report says that your client’s ex-fiance cheated on her with another woman. That’s a lie.”

“No it’s not, the evidence proved that he was seeing another woman while they were together, and one of the witnesses all but admitted to being his mistress. It’s a cut and dry case.”

“Except that he wasn’t seeing another woman. He was seeing three.”

“Excuse me?!” The accusation was so outrageous that Rey had to turn and give the man the most incredulous look, and when their eyes met, she suddenly remembered where she had seen him before. The scene from that morning in the coffee shop played in her mind like a rerun of a bad TV show. Her breath hitched in her throat as he stared back at her with a wry smile on his lips.

“The sample of hair they found on his suit coat the night of the supposed affair is blonde. The color of your witnesses hair is a muted brunette,” he began to explain his reasonings, never breaking eye contact with Rey while she stared dumbfoundedly back at him.

“That’s only two women. You said there were three.” She stood up straight and looked down on the dark haired man who leaned back further into his seat to keep her gaze. She knew her response was weak, suddenly doubting everything she thought she knew about this case and hating herself for missing something so obvious as that. But she was still determined not to let this stranger get the better of her.

The man’s smile faded and he moved from his seat, slowly getting up. It seemed to take him an impossibly long time to rise, but when he stretched to his full height, he towered at least a good foot above her. He looked down at her with little interest in his eyes, as if he had just gotten bored of their conversation and was bothered by her presence.

Suddenly, he was leaning in towards her and Rey’s hand instinctively grabbed the pepper spray she carried in her jacket, but the man reached past her and pulled over a plastic baggy full of evidence. Rey’s breathing was heavy with a mixture of fury and fear as he grabbed the bag and pulled it towards him.

“The perfume found in his car is an original vintage bottle of Versace made in 1983. There are only a few of these rare finds left and their price runs around one thousand dollars a pop. Judging from the size of the pocket books on both of the ladies he was seeing, neither of them could afford such a luxury. Which of course suggests that he had another, more prominent and wealthy woman on his hands.”

Rey swallowed hard and tried to keep her expression as blank as she could, but he was making too much and too little sense at the same time, and her head was spinning with confusion. Who did this arrogant bastard think he was to come in here and completely destroy her work like this?

“Not to mention, I happen to know the lovely lady who owns this particular bottle,” his fingers traced the side of the bag and he looked at it with such a perverse smile that it made Rey’s stomach turn, “She can be very… persuasive when she wants something. Her father, who owns a tenth of the real estate in upper Manhattan, will do everything he can to fight the scandal. Which means new, expensive lawyers on the defendants side and probably a lot of shaddy underground work to get him out scotch free. I have a feeling your client isn’t going to get the money, if anything, as easily as she thought.”

The silence that followed was excruciating. Rey was shocked by the revelation and the ridiculous outcome of this case she had been working her life away on. There was no way that they could have hidden this from her, was there? Her mind raced with all the possibilities that this could mean and she scrambled to find a way, any way, to turn this back in her client's favor. Could she beg for a settlement and at least get some money to the poor, mistreated woman? Or maybe she could convince the judge that this was a gross misuse of trust and blame emotional manipulation? There had to be something, anything...

“Or,” the low drawl of the man’s voice as he drew out the word snapped Rey out of her spiral. His black eyes glittered once again with something she couldn’t place and the corner of his mouth twitched up in a cocky smile as he wiggled the evidence in his hand, “this could just be a regular old department store perfume bottle and I was simply fucking with you.”

Another silence filled the room and Rey found she couldn’t breathe again. What… the… hell had he just said?

“I-I’m sorry, what?” She hissed her question and the smile on the man’s face grew wider.

“That was fun, sweetheart,” his condescending words made Rey’s blood boil, “let’s do this again sometime. When I need comic relief in this shithole of a job, I’ll look for you.” He stretched his arms behind his neck and sauntered around her, making his way out of the room. He stopped in the doorway and turned over his shoulder to give her a taunting wink.

“See you around.”

*to be continued*

[axelsagewrites]

Isabelle*Lightwood’s

Ship(s): Isabelle X female!reader

Request:  Via Wattpad

Warnings:

 Masterlist HERE

Wattpad HERE

It's pride month so this month's posts are going to be LGBT themed

Her hair gleamed like a goddess and her smile was like sunlight that flowers craved to the human eye. When she laughed it felt like you’d went weightless on a roller coaster drop ride, loving the fear it brought like the idea of loving her. No matter what she said, snarky or sweet, it was the stuff to inspire poets. She was my perfect, the thing that would finally make me feel whole.

The half of the best friend necklace that hung around her neck broke me though. The one around mine solidified it. 

I'd known Isabelle since childhood, often talking about being parabatai. Every time I discouraged it, saying we could decide when we were older, and we didn’t need a rune to best friends. It was bad enough she was straight, and I’d fancied her for years but the idea of it being actually illegal was too much.

The shadowhunter community was very accepting, choosing to hide all their ‘problems’ in a plastic tub and bury beneath their flower beds. Apparently not being straight was one of these problems. How dare you like someone of the same gender! Even though it wasn’t your fault and oh yeah screw you.

I wasn’t necessarily in the closet though; I just never spoke about it. plus, in the New York Institute, there weren’t many boys my age, so it wasn’t surprising I didn’t like any of them. The only person I had told was Alec because, well that boys lets straight than a circle.

Alec and I were closet buddies and despite both of us being heavily friend zoned we could at least whine to one and other. Isabelle figured out Alec was gay, which wasn’t too difficult since boys can’t hide their, um feelings? Too well. She hadn’t figured me out because apparently kissing girls in the club is something drunk girls just kinda did? 

Although it wasn’t what I wanted I was sort of content. Isabelle had boyfriends and hookups but so would Jace, so Alec and I were able to rant about this whenever they were out. Then Clary came. 

I don’t dislike the girl, but she is inconvenient for many reasons. It’s made Alec all grumpy since Jace is in love and Alec can literally feel it because of their bond. Isabelle also likes to go on about that Simon kid and he’s always around because clary’s always around. It’s a hellish cycle.

However, the biggest issue is Clary and Isabelle’s friendship. For the past 5 years, Isabelle and I were the only girls our age who lived in this institute for more than a month. This meant Isabelle only knew what it would be like to be friends with a girl who was in love with her. 

We didn’t do the normal things girls would; talk a lot about boys, change in front of each other, check each other out before leaving to make sure we looked okay. I was in love with the girl, there was no way I was checking out her butt to make sure she hadn’t sat in something. Hell no. but this was never an issue because she had no comparison.

We’d talk about fighting techniques, books, famous shadowhunters, and how annoying Alec and Jace were and how we’d get them back. For fun, we’d throw darts, do trick shots, spar, or made up silly games. 

Clary came and was letting Isabelle do her hair, makeup, outfit, and would talk hot boys and relationships with each other. Clary wasn’t that girly, but it still messed it all up. Know we were talking about first crushes and kisses and I had no answer. 

Coming out felt like less of an option. I barely knew Clary, so I didn’t want to tell her and now Isabelle was wanting to have the ‘girl sleepovers’ mundane kids had in the movies Clary showed her. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.

Alec wasn’t having much fun either. Clary and Jace were a thing and Clary was beginning to catch on. Typically, Alec would train with Jace, but Clary kept pulling him in every other direction so when Alec came up to me and asked to spar I wasn’t surprised. Isabelle kept wanting to have Clary at all our training sessions so we could teach her and how could I argue with that?

As I held the punching bag Alec hit it with all the pit up anger he had, the chain holding it up clanging loudly with each hit. “A new girl shows up and you drop everything?” he ranted while punching. “Do you wanna know what he said when I complained he missed training today?” he stopped, panting. We switched positions and I nodded. “Get a girlfriend,” Alec held the bag for me.

I screwed my face up and not because of the stale smell of sweat off this training room. “That’s just idiotic,” I said as I hit the bag.

“Yeah well that’s the straights for you,” Alec rolled his eyes, “Crush aside, friend don’t ditch friends,”

“Tell me about it,” I muttered as my punches sped up.

Alec sighed “Isabelle?”

“Isabelle,” I confirmed, putting my back into the punches, “Her and Clary are always together. Doing girly things. It's bad enough but I don’t want to talk boys with them. It was fine before,” with every word the punches got faster.

“Slow down,” Alec said, and I did. He held the bag still, the metal chains finally quieting, “You’re gonna put a hole in it.”

“I know,” I sighed, taking the gloves off and throwing them down. “But I’m getting sick of this.

Everyone keeps asking if I’m seeing a guy or when will Mr right come along. My parents are actually concerned,”

“Ditto,” Alec groaned, “It’s so annoying. Its always brought up as if I’m just a piece of meat!” he said.

My eyebrow quirked up as I saw the irony “Alec, welcome to being a female.” Alec rolled his eyes and I punched his shoulder “I am not kidding. Whenever we go out guys are leering at me and Izzy on missions. We are used as bait Alec. Bait” it was true. Apparently dressing nice, as they called it, attracted demons but they forgot about all the sleazes.

“Sorry,” Alec said, dropping down onto a bench. I copied and took the water he handed me.

“I’ve got an idea…”

“So…you two are dating now?” Isabelle asked arms crossed staring at us with the look of ‘don’t you lie to me’.

Jace by Isabelle’s side seemed doubtful too, “Like dating dating?”

Alec and I looked at each other. “Yup,” Alec said before quickly wrapping his arm around my waist, pulling me into his side. “Right babe?”

The words felt like spitting glass, “Of course…babe,” okay I officially wanted to die.

Isabelle and Jace shared a look but Jace shrugged, “Well at least you finally took my advice. Sorry (Y/N) but I need to steal Alec, we’ve got a mission,” 

Alec almost jumped at the chance to go on a mission with him. Then it was just me and Izzy. “You’ve never mentioned liking him before,” Isabelle said, clearly not buying it.

I scoff, trying not to stutter, “He’s your brother. That’s just weird Izzy,”

“In fact,” she continued “You’ve never talked about guys. Ever. Whenever Clary brings it up-“

“Clary’s a brat, Izzy,” I cut her off. Isabelle’s mouth gaped for a moment before closing.

“Seriously she shows up and thinks she knows everything. She gets everything on a silver plate, and everyone babies her,”

“She’s new!” Isabelle has an incredulous look on her face “She’s trying to navigate a new world. Give her a break!” I couldn’t hold back an eye roll. “What has she actually done to you?”

“What has she done to you?” I snap. “Before we’d talk about normal things but knows it’s all boy this and boy that. And she’s far to comfortable around here. You don’t ask people to check you out before you go out. It’s weird,” I cross my arms. “Plus, she always brings that Simon kid around.

Isabelle’s face is distorted into one I’ve never seen aimed at me; anger. “Really? Maybe I like talking about boys and I like knowing I look alright before I go out. Oh, and I’ll have you know I like Simon. He’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever spoken to,”

“I’m nice!” I almost yell, “You don’t talk to me anymore and I’m just as nice as Simon is. Oh, and I’m your best friend not that you seem to care,”

“Well you don’t seem so nice right now,” Isabelle says, crossing her arms, “In fact, you just seem jealous. I’m allowed to have other friends. If it bothered you that much you should’ve talked to me,”

“You’re always with Clary,” Mumbled, feeling defeated already.

“Woah you really are jealous. Is that why you’re with Alec now?” she asked. “You and I both know he’s gay. If I’m honest I was starting to think so were you,” 

There was no good way this conversation could go. The floor seemed to sway from under my feet and the lights seemed brighter than before. My heartbeat was loud like the chains from the punching bag. Clang clang clang.

If it wasn’t for the air whipping my face I wouldn’t have realised I was running, and it wasn’t till I stopped I felt the wetness on my cheeks. I opened the door to my room and quickly slammed it, ruining it to be locked. 

All I could do was pace till my feet were sore and I feared holes would burn in the carpet. I sank onto the floor, leaning against my bed. normally when I ran away from my feelings it wasn’t physically, 

When Isabelle knocked I didn’t get up. Her angelic voice couldn’t move me this time and was drowned out by fear. My parents, Isabelle, my higher-ups, they could all find out. Shadowhunters were still very backwards. 

We’d had the pleasure of meeting a warlock when Clary first came called Magnus who was obviously gay or bi or something and openly proud. With no shadowhunters to teach me, it had been him I’d gone to about it. he was surprised, to say the least, that I'd gone to him though apparently, his gaydar had been right.

Id texts him in a panic for his advice. Isabelle’s pounding on my door had stopped when I got the text back; tell her, the closet isn’t comfortable forever.

I read the text over and over again. I didn’t have to tell Isabelle I liked her, though she’d

probably guessed that. She must know now. she had to know, and I should be telling her.

My bones felt stiff as I stood but I persevered. I sighed, running my hands over my face. I looked up from my hands and my eyes fell on a photo frame on my bedside; Isabelle and I on my last birthday. She insisted on making my cake though even I couldn’t fake eat it. this could make or break that.

I opened the door without hesitation, figuring I'd at least have a breather before I saw her. But there she was, sat on the floor across from my door. When my door opens she sprang up, “(Y/N),” I couldn’t hold it back. I looked down and couldn’t help a couple tears, “Talk to me,” Isabelle put her hands on my shoulders and shivers went down my spine.

For once I didn’t want to see Isabelle’s face, but I looked up, “I-I.” I had to take a deep breath “I love you,”

Isabelle smiled a little “I love you too. You know I do,” without giving me a chance she hugged me.

“Not in the same way,” I mumbled but I knew she heard. 

She pulled back and looked me in the eyes. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t love you. I’m in love with you,” it was out there. There were no take backs.

Isabelle glanced down and I just felt my heart clench, “I-I-I know I’m not gay,” she started off, stuttering slightly, “but I have been with girls,” for this first time Isabelle blushed, “I just never really clicked with any but then again I never clicked with a guy either. But if I'd ever clicked with anyone, it’d be you,”

“You like me?” my words were slow and unsure.

“I think so?” hers were more like a question. “I’ve never really understood the romance part but when I’m with you, I feel safe. And I’d be lying if I said you weren’t hot,”

Okay, this time I blushed. A lot, “So…do you wanna try?”

She nodded “I do. Guess your switching lightwoods,” Isabelle joked, laughing at her own joke like usual.

I grinned a little, “Well you are much prettier than Alec.”

Isabelle grinned, “So maybe we should try well,” she motioned to my lips.

I nodded and we moved closer, bumping noses and tilting the wrong way. We laughed awkwardly but soon our lips met. it was slow, hesitant, and we were barely touching. Years of pent up feelings led me to stepping closer, making it harder, passionate. Soon it was fast and hard, and her hands were in my hair. 

Somehow I forgot to breathe, so we pulled apart as breathless as I get when Isabelle walks in the room. “So,” I said.

“So,” Isabelle copied. She looked up and down the corridor before saying, “Maybe we should try you know that again but,” she pointed past me, into my room, “in there?”

A grin overtook my face which soon etched onto Isabelle as well. My arms wrapped around her, leading her back into my room. The door shut tightly behind us and everything felt right.