#literally every interaction i have w a doctor is like. thanks it did not work u are the best

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

@dalucaprio would u believe me if i told u that tyler is one of my best guys 😭 yes hes a month late fixing my braces BUT he's the one who got me in to get custom-fitted braces, something TWO seperate orthopedists deemed unneccesary?

did i mention i literally cant take my braces off? like. ever? just to shower and thats IT. if i try and do anything braceless, it hurts, and that INCLUDES Just Sitting Down. i live in these fucking things so theyd BETTER be custom

(the braces im getting fixed arent the custom ones theyre a regular kind)

idk if disability services are just as shitty in japan as they are in the states but imagine izaya having to deal w that shit. did you know wheelchairs have to be custom made otherwise they can hurt? imagine izaya having to deal w that system. imagine him having to wait god knows how long for his shit to be made and then given to him. imagine him dealing w doctors not believing he needs the things he needs because he's "too young to be disabled," and how harsh of a blow that'd be for him at ALL. imagine him having to deal w bullshit for any other mobility aids or medicines he might need. imagine how out of control hed feel over his own health and his basic movement. imagine.

[starglow-xx]

owning a bakery and being discovered by the ada and the port mafia (part 4)

platonic! mori ougai x f!reader

type of writing: head canons !!

this is part of my head canon series, flour & fluff !!

tag list is open !! go to this google form and fill it out to sign up!

series synopsis: owning a bakery at 20 is tough; even more so when you have to handle members of two opposing organizations! this is your journey to meeting those fools and creating an unlikely bond with each of them. but only at the cost of your peace and sanity.

fandom: bungou stray dogs

content: fluff & platonic stuff

previous: the doctor is in the house (quite literally)

author’s note: it’s port mafia time! ages are still one year younger than canon

also!! my 100 followers event still has 7 5 4 3  2  1 spot open for requests!! go check out this post for more info!! i’d like to get the whole prompt list done early so i have time to write them! (event is now closed as of feb. 10, 2021)

another doctor? oh wait, another doctor and his daughter

as you expected, ranpo and fukuzawa have not let you go easy after what had happened a couple days prior (3 days ago to be exact)

one of them, or more often than not, the two of them would go visit the bakery at least twice a day

once in the morning right before opening, and the second time right before closing

if they could, they would visit around lunch time, but that was usually yosano

tbh you were thankful that yosano hasn’t been as overbearing as the other two but you knew she probably wanted to give you a break because holy shit are they extremely over protective

currently, it was the fourth day of being watched by the two eldest ada members, but there were no said ada members with you at the moment

and boy were you overjoyed

turns out, the ada has an important escort job for a government official or smth, and on top of that, fukuzawa has a bunch of meetings to attend

even ranpo has his hands full with a couple of difficult murder cases across the country

you’re lowkey, no highkey, worried bc you learned literally 3 days ago that ranpo doesn’t know how to ride the train 😀😀

you were worried abt them, there’s no question, but on the inside you were a bit relieved to which ranpo called you out on it immediately 

that led to the two of you going at each other’s throats for nearly half an hour

let’s just say fukuzawa scolded the two fo you for a while

going back to the present, it was around one pm and you had just finished sending a text message to both fukuzawa and ranpo (cause they insisted) when a little blonde girl with blue eyes wearing a red dress matching with a red bow in her hair and red shoes walked in

she immediately went to the glass case to look at the desserts displayed

as she looked around, you watched her at the corner of your eyes and a with a smile as you wiped down one of the tables

after wiping down the table, you quickly went to go wash your hands and you walked over and stood next to her

you bent slightly and smiled bigger as she stared at one of the treats in the glass

“is that the one you want?”

she nodded without looking away from the glass

you giggled before going to the back and placing the one she wanted on the plate and held it out to her

the blonde was honestly so confused bc one, no adult supervision, and two, there was no tell tale way to know that she had money

to you, she was an open book so when she looked at you, her face immediately read “but i have no money, or a parent...??”

you simply patted her head and pushed along to one of the nearby tables and pulled a chair for her

you did not regret anything when you saw the look on her face when you told her that it was on the house

“name’s elise!” “i’m (y/n)!”

:D

you sat with her for a while continuing to give her sweets she reminded you of ranpo in all honestly and talking abt random things

she mostly complained abt a “rintarou” though

speaking of which, when a man in a doctor’s coat came through the door near screaming “elise-chan! elise-chan!” you figured that was probably the rintarou she was complaining abt

you smiled as you watched the two interact

“elise-chan why would just disappear like that?!”

“i wanted to see rintarou cry”

“so mean!”

...their behavior was questionable but endearing ig

“rintarou” suddenly turned to you, thanking you for “taking care of his daughter bc she’s always getting into trouble”

*cue angry noises and face from elise*

he introduced himself as a “local neighborhood doctor”

you smelled bullshit but didn’t say anything bc he has been kind to you so far

he asked you how he could repay you and you were thinking that you can actually win something bc you’re not refusing an ada member oh you poor oblivious child but you were appalled when elise answered for you

it went like this

“is there anything i can repay you with for taking care of my dear elise-chan? perhaps paying for all the sweets she has eaten?”

“oh no! don’t worry abt that, it’s nothing! it was a pleasure getting to know—”

“let’s buy out all of her food!”

h u h

you knew she enjoyed your pastries and stuff but like w h a t

you inwardly sigh in relief when the doctor agreed with you that “that’s a bit much elise-chan” and you were thanking every deity out there when suddenly

she threw a temper tantrum

you watched in confusion and slight horror at the 180 of the sweet little girl you were talking to like 10 minutes ago

her guardian panicked slightly and tried to get her to calm down but ahaha no that didn’t happen

“WAHH rintarou!! but i want it!! (y/n)’s food is the best i’ve ever had!!”

“b-but elise-chan, we can’t just buy—”

“i’ll wear all the dresses i’ve ever rejected and more if we buy it out right now and keep buying sweets here forever”

“...deal”

your eyes twitch at the “innocent” smiles the two gave you after their “talk”

fast forward literally 5 minutes and you’ve already flipped the close sign on your door with note (saying you’re sold out) and you’re all over the place running around behind the counter trying to fit everything into boxes as the two are sitting on a nearby table lightly chatting

about 20-25, nearly 30 minutes later you finishing packing everything in the glass case

it was a lot

we’re literally talking about tiered cakes and dozens of batches of cookies, cupcakes, literally everything and anything

when the two notice you’re done they get up meet you by the register

“a-ano, you really don’t have to buy all of this...the total is going to be quite large...”

“no worries!”

honestly at this point, you kind of missed the chaotic calls from ranpo that happened like every half hour

you thought you were done being surprised for the day but next thing you know men in suits come into Sakura’s and begin to load the boxes into a black car

dealing with the detectives was already starting to be a handful and now you have to deal whoever the hell these two people where

quite frankly, you were having trouble wrapping your head around all of this

like-

who buys out a whole bakery?!

and who has the money to buy out a whole bakery?!

what kind of job could you possibly have?!

was this guy really just a doctor?!

right before the two leave you call out to them

“a-ah wait! i don’t think i ever caught your name!”

the two blink at you before eyeing each other

“mori ougai” 😄😄

you started smelling bad shits again 

>:/

it was a weird feeling

you felt something off but at the same time, you weren’t really afraid 

and with that the two left

you were already tired from this whole thing but you now get the rest of the day off

so i guess something worked out in your favor

until the next fricking day

again, ranpo and fukuzawa canceled out on you

you weren’t sure if you were relieved or not

and as soon as you thought you were going to have a normal business day, guess who walked through the doors

yeah that’s right

“the local neighborhood doctor” and his daughter

you froze before eyeing them with suspicion

if mori was amused, he didn’t show it, only giving you a smile

elise immediately left his side and practically leaped onto you making you cut yourself with the knife you were holding

well shit now you’re bleeding

it was only 7:15 in the morning; you had literally just opened

you were cursing every deity out there

you quickly grab a nearby and press it against your wound and scrambled around looking for the first aid kit you had nearby

“oh? (y/n)-kun are you bleeding?”

“(y/n) i’m sorry!”

“a-ah, no worries elise-chan”

you really need to stop spacing out bc next thing you know, the sign on your door is flipped to close again (along with the same note from yesterday explaining you’re sold out taped on the door) and you’re sitting at a table with elise in your lap and mori wrapping your hand in a bandage

“tsk tsk (y/n)-kun you need to be more careful...but it is elise-chan’s fault”

“die rintarou!”

“but no worries! it’s not that deep so you don’t need stitches”

“thank you, mori-san, but can i ask why you and elise-chan are here again? not that i mind...”

whether or not you were lying is up to you

“oh we’re here to buy out your stock again!”

“wait what-”

the fuck???

did they not just buy everything yesterday???

frozen, you stare at the man in front if you with said man giving you another “innocent” smile

this little shit

wait till you meet dazai

but i guess that’s why the sign on the door is flipped to close bc you don’t even remember flipping it yourself or taping the note from yesterday to the door

you spent the next half hour trying to convince the two over some tea (your signature one of course) that “no you don’t need to or should buy everything i have, you’re going to deprive the rest of my customers”

cough cough ranpo

like the day before, you were losing this argument

can you just never win?

as you were losing the argument (obviously) you realized that you don’t even know why they want to buy everything again

“mori-san, why do the two of you even want to buy everything in the first place?”

“ah it was elise-chan’s request of course! but i do admit, after trying some of your sweets myself, i grew quite attached! so did the rest of my subordinates after my precious elise-chan made them try it, not like they could refuse her or me; i am their boss after all (y/n)-kun.”

*cue confusion*

“subordinates? wait are those the guys from yesterday?? aren’t you a doctor...?”

“ah ex-doctor actually, i’m the leader of the port mafia”

...

“ah (y/n)-kun that’s quite the coughing fit you have going on, do you need water?”

if it wasn’t obvious, you choked on your tea and had quite the coughing fit; you were wheezing and everything making elise leave you lap and settling for dangling over mori’s shoulders

“...you’re kidding”

“im afraid im not”

this man confuses the hell out of you??

like-

w h y would he just say that, to you of all people

but it explains the bad shits you were smelling/feeling yesterday

“are you afraid?”

“being completely honest with you, mori-san, not really”

“and why is that?”

you simply shrug not really knowing the answer

you aren’t lying, you just aren’t

maybe bc yesterday, he seemed more like a doting parent than the boss of the most criminal organization of yokohama

yes, you’ve heard the rumors, obviously, but just saying, if the port mafia wanted to hurt you, you’d probably be dead in a ditch by now

and they haven’t really been a bother to you, they were more like background characters in your life

well

until yesterday of course

mori simply raises an eyebrow and a smile seemingly okay with your very vague answer

“why did you tell me that mori-san?”

the man only smiles a bit wider at you and this time, you’re the one raising an eyebrow

“just a feeling” 

yeah you were starting to smell bad shits again

“and besides! elise-chan seems quite fond of you (y/n)-kun! i wasn’t planning on doing anything to you in the first place, but even if i wanted to, i don’t think i could! i wouldn’t want to upset my dearest cute elise-chan”

“die rintarou!”

“that’s mean elise-chan!”

your eyes began to twitch in slight annoyance

cause istg the duality of this man—

this strange strange man

oh dearest you haven’t even met dazai yet

after that has been said and done, somehow you found yourself in front of stores being dragged by elise

how did you end up there you ask? i don’t know either so there’s nothing we can do abt that

eventually, you found yourself holding a bunch of shopping bags full of dresses and clothes of the sort

some of it your size and the others elise’s

...

“mori-san?”

“yes (y/n)-kun?”

“why do i have bags of clothing that are fit for me rather than elise?”

“oh that’s because elise refused to go without you and if you didn’t get anything!”

yeah

that makes perfect sense, of course

you could see why elise kept on complaining abt this guy

the two of you actually bonded over making fun of him

you have n o fear

actually, maybe just a little

the three of you were out for basically the entire day and you were exhausted

cause holy shit there was a lot of money wasted, shopping bags obtained, and walking involved

it was around 5 pm when the three of you were making it back to Sakura’s

along the way you found yourself having a pleasant conversation with mori

even if he was a questionable person to be having a pleasant conversation with, you enjoyed it nonetheless

you hoped that it makes it harder to get rid of you if he ever changed his mind but we don’t talk abt that

anywho

when the three of you arrived, you immediately dumped all the bags you were holding and went straight to work packaging everything for “the local neighborhood doctor”

before they left, mori agreed to not buy out all of your stock except for some occasions but instead settled ordering massive batches of a little bit of everything every few days

how that’s not the same as buying everything you won’t ever know

you were standing outside Sakura’s watching the two get into the car that had arrived when suddenly, mori turned to you

“ah (y/n)-kun, i know that you wouldn’t tell anyone about this, it wouldn’t be like you to, but just a reminder, it would probably be in your best interest not to let anything slip to anyone okay? we wouldn’t want any enemies using you against the port mafia. so take care of yourself hm? see you next time”

and bippity boppity boo just like that, they were gone

how that man managed to get your personality down in just like 10 hours you don’t want to know

and that’s basically the story of how you started making more food/bake goods to sell

true to his word, every few days, or sometimes consecutive days, mori called you and made a large order

and i mean large

on those days, someone from the port mafia would pick it up and then you get paid

thankfully, by increasing the amount of food you made, you always had enough to put out on display and to sell even after the large order

before doing that, on those days you didn’t have a large stock, someone by the name of edogawa ranpo would weep at your feet

he will deny this; after all, great detectives don’t do weeping

or so he says

and speaking of the detective, you never did tell him what had transpired the two days he and fukuzawa were absent on checking on you

but tbh, i even think ranpo could’ve deduct this one

you didn’t tell him bc you were afraid, no of course not that’s ridiculous mori, in elise’s words, was a loser

you didn’t tell him bc you knew he and fukuzawa would flip the fuck out

and that would be a major inconvenience to you

you didn’t see the point in telling them anyway

so whatever, it’s like it’ll be important

and if ranpo and fukuzawa noticed the abundant of bags near the door leading up to the staircase when they visited you at the end of the day they didn’t say anything

jk

of course one of them said smth

“ne (n/n)-chan since when did you like to buy a bunch of things; waste of money if you could just be using that money to make more food so you wouldn’t sell out right away and have food to feed me”

your eyes twitched

he could’ve worded that a little better but whatever

it is ranpo-san after all

“i just got carried away since i closed up early; you know it isn’t often i get to go shopping”

and if he smelled your bullshit he didn’t say anything

for real this time

that slightly concerns you ngl

anyways

let’s just say quite a few heads were turned when they saw their boss leading a bunch of lower level subordinates carrying many light pink boxes of different sizes to his office for the second time

oh and just another thing

*whispers* he was lying when elise made his other subordinates eat your food; they kept it all to themselves”

was that a ruse to help lead the revelation of his real occupation who knows

“(y/n)-kun is a very interesting person don’t you think so elise-chan?”

“quiet. i’m eating cake.”

“that’s so mean elise-chan!”

<<previous // next >>

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[cerastes]

Among many things in Darknight’s Memoir, I love how the themes, and their effect on the cast, get touched upon in a manner that isn’t entirely explicit but isn’t as crystal clear as you’d expect.

For example, at one point, W was entirely willing to blow herself up to take out the enemy. She didn’t particularly want to, but she was going to do it if it came to it and if she had no other way out. When Ines understandably asks her “are you serious?”, W simply answers “well, if there’s no other way out of this, a kill is a kill, right?”. Contrast this with her attitude later, where her demeanor is as playful and caustic as we’ve come to expect from her, but her decisions, however, her courses of action, change entirely. No more thrill-seeking by riding the Catastrophe’s wind, no more gambles, no more unnecessary risks, she’s come to put a value on her own life beyond being a mercenary in the endless war game of the Kazdel barrenlands, she’s got a mission, something she less needs to accomplish and more that she wants to accomplish.

And that’s an important narrative thread in Darknight’s Memoir: To want. Sarkaz mercenaries, by and large, fight for the next paycheck more than anything, to get by, a client that pays is a good enough client. W herself initially came to Hoederer with the intent on killing him and claiming the bounty on his head. Seeing her prey firsthand and noticing she can’t kill him, she joins him instead. And that’s just natural: Why take on a foe that will likely injure you irreparably or even kill you? Better join up, and go for bigger fish. There’s literally no stakes in that fight. There’s nothing beyond the paycheck, but that also means there’s nothing except the paycheck: You can take it, but you can also leave it. The longer lived Sarkaz know when to take and when to live.

W, at this point, Wanted Nothing. Just being able to go through the motions, through whatever fights came next, was good enough. One of the first scenes we are treated to involves W throwing a team of her own mercenary corps under the bus to make it out alive. As a reader, our first reaction most likely is “wow, what a bastard”, but then you see Hoederer and Ines’ reaction, and it’s simply “oh, yeah, that happens”. It’s completely normal. That just happens in Kazdel and among Sarkaz, it’s the norm. That’s not to say it isn’t appalling, but in the context of Kazdel, that’s just another day in the job.

There’s no Want. Or technically speaking, there’s a very superficial, utilitarian, soulless Want: The next day, the next paycheck, the next meal, the next fight. Who cares about whatever the trillion of ‘noble’ Sarkaz clans are fighting for or peddle? They have their flags and their sigils and their plastic speeches, but they are all the same: The same warriors, the same traitors, the same devils. Whichever pays you, it’s all the same.

That changes when W meets Theresa. The full breadth of their dynamic is not explored in Darknights’ Memoir, but it’s made very clear that seeing the King of Kazdel, the sovereign of all Sarkaz, the noblest of nobles herself, Theresa, hunched over clumsily trying to fix a janky door, had an effect on W. Well, that, and their subsequent dialogue. Theresa was likely the first Sarkaz W met that wasn’t at least romancing a few ways to kill her, that simply wanted to know her name, and a little more about her. To us, Theresa showed the barest of cordialities with a kind demeanor, but to W, it was likely something that sent her brain into a blue screen of death state. She took an interest in Theresa, unlike she ever did with any other Sarkaz, or noble, or even any other person, and she observed her and served her.

And that there is when a pivotal change occurs: Want.

There is now Want. W No Longer Wants Nothing. She wants to see Theresa interact with others, she wants to see her alone, she wants to see how she does this and that, she wants to see her ideals through, she wants to actually believe in what she has to offer, because for the first time, it’s not a paycheck on the other side of the table that’s motivating her, it’s being able to see someone sincerely working towards a noble goal without ulterior motives and without betrayal, someone who actually believes what she preaches. Not long before this particular cutscene, Hoerderer mentions having killed someone that was trying to assassinate him, a guy he knew and that called him his friend, that even said he’d love for him to marry his daughter. This is the Sarkaz Normal. Literally everything is meaningless to the Sarkaz, even camaradeire. Not on Babel, not on that landship. W might as well have seen paradise in Babel, and in Theresa, a Messiah.

And, see, this is what I love about Darknights’ Memoirs: W doesn’t suddenly turn soft. W doesn’t do a 180. W supports the lofty goals of Theresa in the ways she knows, no doubt dyed by Theresa’s colors, but nonetheless using the skills and temperament that comes natural to her. W was born and nurtured by the battlefield, it’d make no sense for her to suddenly discard all of it, but the colors of Theresa are evident from this point on, even after Theresa’s passing.

W never becomes any less ruthless to her enemies, but there’s clearly a change to the melody of her percussive explosives. It’s no longer about the next battlefield, it’s no longer about the next paycheck, no, every move, from there on, has one clear objective: Kill Theresis, for having Theresa killed.

Now, revenge is nice and cold, but there’s a difference in how she’s going about this: As Hoederer mentions he wants out of this sordid lifestyle, W’s first reaction is to lament the loss of a capable hand, but to otherwise tell him that, if he’s getting out, he might as well Take This Specific Route She Knows Is Safest. It’s not the first farewell she’s given her blessing to: In this very conversation, Hoederer muses that W’s turned soft for letting Flamebringer leave without repercussions. While W’s Sarkaz ended up directly killing Scout’s team, Ines herself outright says to Scout that W didn’t have the heart to kill her old Babel ally (and this is an important distinction: Remember that W is loyal to Babel, not Rhodes Island), with W likely half counting on The Ghost of Babel to be able to make it out with his considerable skills (although if we recall what Scout had to say in Operational Intelligence, he seems to have been pretty aware he was going to die one way or another, and accepted this; his lack of regrets make more sense when you consider he IS the reason why RI was able to rescue Doctor at all, thanks to his deal with W so she’d let Rhodes Island pass). W, at this point of Want, is at that point where she’s not losing any sleep if she has to off someone so her cover in Reunion is believable and isn’t blown, but if she can avoid killing RI Operators, she’ll try and take that road (such as her not killing Adnachiel). Obviously, it’s not exactly the most altruistic or heroic of attitudes, but it’s about as good as it gets for, again, someone who used to believe that using her own teammates as cannon fodder to cover her retreat was perfectly normal and expected, even.

Recall the talk Ines and Hoerderer had about flags. Hoerderer says he’d rather forget about their flag, because it’s an empty symbol, and there’s no real flag for him to believe for... Instead, he believes in the flagpole: You could take that to be a very pure representation of Kazdel as a concept, as this eternal, meaningless warzone, where meaningless people wage meaningless conflict for meaningless rewards, create meaningless bonds and ultimately die a meaningless death: The very same man that throws his arm around you, calls you his friend, and tells you to marry his daughter will take a contract on your head the next day. It’s just the flagpole. It’s meaningless. It holds nothing but useless air. A flagpole with no flag is representative of something that has no meaning and no essence, a lone flagpole is exactly that: An ode to being devoid of, bereft of what should be there, but isn’t.

In many ways, as you may have noticed, Hoederer is meant to be a foil to W, and this is no exception: W has a flag, and again, it’s extremely telling that W’s affiliation as an Operator is not Rhodes Island or Kazdel, it’s Babel.

If we can consider Kazdel to mean more than just a physical location, if we can consider Kazdel to represent that meaningless, cruel, harsh style of life and way of death, then so we can consider Babel to be more than simply “Rhodes Island before Rhodes Island”, we can consider Babel to mean the ideology of Theresa, that style of life and way of death, full of meaning, with a clear objective, with a rocky path well worth the bloody trek.

If whenever Hoederer talks about about wanting to “leave Kazdel” as wanting to leave this sordid lifestyle behind once and for all, then thus, W being a part of Babel, despite her contact with Rhodes Island’s Kal’tsit, despite her undercover status as Theresis’ representative of the Sarkaz in Reunion, despite all affiliations, then that means something. And it’s changed her to some degree, sure, but the important change here is not W as a person, but rather, what W chooses to do with what she is and what she can do, successfully breaking out of the endless cycle of meaningless, vapid warfare, participating in it only in order to eventually crush it. Whereas W initially joined Hoederer because she saw herself outgunned, W is actively going against Theresis, even if she is more outgunned than ever, because now she has something she Wants. She could very easily submit to Theresis, but that’s what the past, Want-less W would do, not the current W, driven by Babel.

Because maybe, that’s all that the Sarkaz needed: Not something to believe, because words are cheap and nobles have those a dime a dozen, but someone to believe in. And not just anybody, but someone that can actually promise you more than a meaningless battle the next three weeks, and then deliver with their actions.

Maybe all they need is to Want.

Because sometimes, many times, Wanting is what breaks the stagnant cycle, but do not underestimate how easy it is to forget to Want... Or to never have learned to Want, in the case of the Sarkaz.

[mirkwoodshewolf]

I just wanted to make you smile again; 10th Doctor x child reader

*Author’s note*

Okay to the anon who requested this fic THANK YOU FOR BEING SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PATIENT WITH ME!!!! To those anons and users who have sent me requests literally since last year I thank you all for your patience, I AM GETTING THEM DONE SLOWLY BUT SURELY. I’m already in process of doing another DW fic w/13th doctor (one of the first requests I got when I opened them last year) so I hope you all enjoy this fic.

This takes place after the episode Journey’s end so to those that haven’t seen the episode yet SPOILERS AHEAD!!! Angst and fluff is what this fic is. Enjoy my lovelies and until next time ;)

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_________________________________________________________

Things have been—tough. The Daleks, one of my daddy’s biggest enemies nearly had us and almost succeeded in destroying all of life and matter as we know it.  But thanks to some fast thinking and with the help of a clone of my dad, we managed to stop Davros as well as the rest of the Daleks.

But honestly that was the easy part.  The hardest was saying goodbye to all of our friends.  Rose and her mum went back to the parallel world with the meta-human clone of my daddy, Captain Jack took Martha and Mickey off on another adventure, Sarah Jane (an old friend of my dad’s long before I was born) went back home, and Donna—oh poor, poor Donna.

Daddy said that in order to help stop the Daleks, Donna, who had touched the severed hand of my dad when he first became this new version of himself, gained so much knowledge of the Timelords and of our home that it could overwhelm her brain and eventually kill her.  So my dad had to absorb all memory of Timelord knowledge, including all the times she spent with us.

After taking her back home, daddy told her father that it was too dangerous for her to remember anything.  If there was a glimpse of her recovering her memories, she would die.  So my dad and I left her and her family and he never went back.

Since that day, almost seven months later, he still carries that guilt.  And what’s worse is that he hasn’t been the same. He doesn’t smile as much as he used to before.  I think out of everything that I love about my daddy, it’s his smile that always made me feel happy and safe.

I stepped out of my room to see him where he usually was, standing at the controls with that dazed but intense look on his face.  I looked down at paper butterfly and cautiously walked towards my dad. It’s always a touch and go of how he’ll react whenever he’s in that deep haze.  One time he actually shouted at me and I was scared to even go near him for an entire week till he apologized to me with some Turkish delights.

“Daddy.” I said softly. “Umm…uhh daddy?” he snapped out of his daze and looked down at me.

“Oh (Y/n). Sorry I was just—I was just trying to find….nothing. What is it that you wanted to tell me?”

“Well I—finished my paper butterfly and I-wanted to give it to you.” I held it out to him and he looked down at me.  He knelt down and took the butterfly from my hands and I saw his eyes grow soft.

“It’s beautiful love. Thank you.” he gently ruffled my hair and placed my butterfly right along the controls.  It didn’t work.

I had hoped that my paper butterfly would get him to smile.  He always smiled whenever I made him little trinkets of my own design, or beautiful art projects that I’ve seen on Earth.  I thought that by doing an art project, he’d smile again but it didn’t work.

I was currently in my room reading some books written back in the 20th century.  I’ve always found that time period to be rather splendid.  It was a simpler time (if you don’t count the 2 World wars, the Great depression, and every war after that. You know why must humans always start wars?)

Anyways, the start of the 20th century is always my favorite place.  It’s quiet, tranquil, and peaceful.  A nice place, especially out in the countryside. People can have picnics, host carnivals, and yeah the grown men partake in Foxhunt but I think it’s a barbaric sport and yet they call it tradition.

Maybe if—maybe if we stayed there for a while, daddy could get better and smile once again.  I think the more time we stay in the TARDIS and just keep going through space and time, the more unhappy daddy’s gonna get, like I said he always gets lost in his head and the more bad things that happen around him, the more he keeps it bottled up inside and the more sadder he gets.

The only question now was this—how was I gonna get there? I don’t know how to drive the TARDIS cause daddy always told me to keep my grabby little paws off of it. Oh wait that’s it! I raced over to my drawer and pulled out the middle one and dug through it till I found what I was looking for.

A special teleportation watch gifted to me by Uncle Jack when my dad was in his previous form (just shortly after we first met him).  I placed the watch on my wrist and I set the time and date that I wanted to go to.  Once the coordinates were typed in, I pressed the center of the watch and I disappeared from my room and went to go set up my surprise for daddy.

*10th Doctor’s POV*

I was fiddling around with the controls when I turned and looked up at my daughter’s butterfly.  For months now she’s been making these little trinkets and art projects for me, and I really haven’t been fair to her.  A lot has happened to us, especially with what happened to Donna, and I hate to admit this to myself but I’ve been neglecting my little butterfly.

Maybe she would like it if I took her to see her favorite constellation, or maybe Barcelona (she always did like Barcelona).  Oh! No wait! The Music of the Spheres! Yes brilliant! She and I could use some music in our life, the sound of the universe singing to us.

“Hey (Y/n)! Can you come out here for a second?” I called out to her.  No response.  Okay I know it usually takes her a bit of time to come down from her room but usually she’d be right here by now. “(Y/n)? (Y/n) I said can you come here please?” bah she must be listening to that loud music again, that lass I tell you what.

I left the console room and headed on over to her room and saw that her door was shut which was surprising cause she usually keeps her door open.  I knocked on it and said.

“Poppet, are you okay? You’re not—upset or anything are you?” I still didn’t hear anything from her.  “Look I—I know we’ve been through a lot the past several months, and I have no excuse for not speaking to you. I’m sorry. So—can you please open the door so we can talk?” still nothing.

Alright I know she has a right to be upset but she can’t give me the silent treatment forever.  I opened up the door and snapped.

“Alright little madam you listen here I—” it was then I saw that she wasn’t in her room. “(Y/n)?” I looked around her room to see if she was hiding in her closet again (she always takes every advantage to jump out and scare me) but when I saw that she wasn’t there, that’s when I began to get worried.

As I left her room and began to look all around the TARDIS from the backroom pool, to the library I still couldn’t find her.

“C’mon poppet don’t do this to me.” I searched high and low, near and far and every crack in between but she still wasn’t around. “No, no, no, no, no love don’t do this to me! (Y/n)!”

I raced back towards the console and went over to the computer monitor and I quickly typed in her lifeform energy.  Since she was the only Timelord in existence (well next to me), I knew that she could be pinpoint at any time in any era she might be in.  I only hope that I can get to her before—no! NO DON’T THINK LIKE THAT!! You WON’T lose her like you lost Donna!

“C’mon you blasted thing LOAD!!!” I screamed at the computer before finally I got a hit.  London, England 1908.  Of course, she always said the start of the 20th century was her favorite time period.  I punched in the coordinates and flipped the switch and soon the TARDIS started back up and I was sailing back in time over 100 years into the past.

Once I arrived, I peeked out of the TARDIS and found myself adjacent to a large park. It was pretty peaceful, families were out and about doing their normal human interactions.  I shut the doors to the TARDIS and I quickly raced over to the park and searched for (Y/n).

This was where her last known readings were at.  At this exact spot so where could that little troublemaker be at?  I walked up to a couple and said.

“Hi sorry to bother you but I was wondering if you have found a little girl around 5 years old with (h/l) (h/c) hair and (e/c) eyes? She’s my daughter and she’s wondered off again.”

“No sorry. We haven’t seen any little girls fitting that description.” Said the man as he and his wife continued on their walk.  I then found another couple who seemed a more upper-class couple due to the diamond necklace around the woman’s neck.

“Excuse me could you both please help me I’m looking for my daughter have either of you……”

“We don’t have time to look for lost children, that’s what the servants are for.” Said the man.

“And who loses their child anyway? Such irresponsibility.” The woman snide.  I looked at them offendedly and said.

“At least I don’t dump my child on anyone else! I’m surprised that people like you could even have children.” They looked at me appalled before huffing and walking away from me.  

I grunted and adjusted my jacket trying to compose myself when a small Cockney accent said.

“You said you were looking for (Y/n)?” I turned around and there was a young ginger haired boy with freckles speckled all over his face.  His bright blue eyes staring up at me and he wore a paper boy’s uniform.

“Yeah that’s my daughter’s name. Do you know where she is?”

“Course I do Gov. Just got done talking with her before I started my work sir. She’s right by the lake.”

“The Lake! Oh thank you lad. Thank you so much.”

“No problem, good luck governor.” I raced off towards the lake and when I got there, I soon saw my daughter sitting right by the lake surrounded by flowers and in her lap it looked like she was in the process of making a flower crown.

The important thing was that she was safe, but that little missy is sooo going to get it now.

I trudged my way towards her and exclaimed.

“(Y/n)!” she stopped her work and turned around.  Her big (e/c) eyes staring up at me and a smile spread across her face. She stood up and ran towards me and hugged around my legs.

“Daddy you came!”

“Yes I did.” I knelt down and began to check to see if she was hurt or worst case scenario been replaced by a Graske. “Are you hurt?”

“No I’m perfectly fine.”

“Answer me this then. Who was the first companion that we had together?”

“Rose Tyler.” Okay this was my baby girl.  I immediately hugged her and whispered to her as I rest my head on top of hers.

“I thought I had lost you.” I then separated from her before scolding her vert sternly, “Do you have any idea how worried I was!? You leave your room with no note! How on earth did you leave the TARDIS without my knowledge?!”

“Uncle Jack’s time jump watch.” She said nervously as she held out her wrist.  I looked down and right there was the time teleport watch that Jack had given her shortly after we met him for the first time in my previous state.

“That figures. Remind me to never let him give you anymore teleportation gifts without my permission.” I muttered to myself. “Bottom line is that you left the TARDIS without my permission and had me scared to death! What if something happened to you hmm? Did it ever cross your mind about how that would make me feel!?”

Yes I know my voice was steadily getting angrier and angrier but she should’ve realized that my one rule for her is to never, ever, ever leave the TARDIS without my permission or knowledge and she broke that rule.

“I—I’m sorry daddy. I just……thought that if I brought you here, you would be happy.” My anger quickly vanished and confusion now took its place.

“What?” I asked her.

“Ever since—” she deeply sighed. “After what happened with Donna you never smile anymore. No matter what I’ve done, I could never get you to smile. Your real smile, the smile that always made me feel loved and protected. I thought that maybe we could—stay here for a while till you were happy again.” She looked down with regret.

I rubbed my hand over my face and through my hair before looking back down at her. I cupped my hands over her face and I said to her.

“What would I ever do without you my little butterfly?” she smiled softly.

“So we can stay?” she asked.

“For now.” I answered her.  She squealed happily and immediately hugged me around my neck repeatedly telling me thank you.  I smiled and embraced my baby girl back and kissed the top of her head as I rocked her back and forth.

This little madam truly does have me wrapped around her little finger, and she seems to know it as well.  But she was right.  Staying in one area made you stop and admire what’s around you, and not stay trapped inside your head letting your demons torment you.

We stayed in 1908 for about five months just enjoying each other’s company.  Going to the park every day, having picnics and tea parties out in the garden of our rented little cottage, and stargazing every night teaching her more about the galaxy and the stars.  

For the first time ever, I felt—peaceful, no regrets, no painful reminders of what I had to do to Donna, it was just me and my daughter.

[ennui-gt]

Here it is. A Piece Of Borrower Content Written Entirely In Stream Of Consciousness:

AN: so this is incomplete and very…needs revisions to the timeline to incorporate some things I added later! It’s the original universe that Mira’s from! I edited it like Slightly to just change Ross’s name to Ross (if u see Max anywhere that’s his old one I just felt like changing it so that’s just him but different. Anyway) Everything's under the readmore tab, cheers!

The Library Fairy:

-

Basic Plot (Chrono, comic starts from human perspective abt the ‘legend of the library fairy’ ig maybe. Nothing here is permanent cept the characterization)

Part A

1- Mira is borrower currently chillin in a college library

2- She lives off of the cafe on the second floor nd reads lots and lots of stuff about everything when the upper floors close (lower floor open 24/7 but upper floors r vacant p much after 12:00 AM)

3- she starts getting increasingly curious about human stuff cos she’s literate nd books r pry neat

4- it starts one night when she spots an unattended notebook and a half eaten blueberry muffin, nd it’s 12:30 so nobody’s coming back in atm (it’s the 80s so no laptops for the plebians quite yet)

5- so she goes ‘welp’ nd takes part of the muffin, then sees the work on the page and goes ‘hmmmm this is incorrect’ so she helps our and leaves notes here n there to point the kid in the right direction and puts down some book refs for further study bcos at this point she’s been there for 2 years and she knows where most things are

6- she stays behind to see if the human comes back for it, hidden in a hidey hole near the desk

7- human comes in, sees notebook, practically melts w relief nd stuffs it in his bag

8- next day human comes back nd leaves nother notebook and a cookie, along w a hidden camera

9- Mira goes ‘o boy, this a trap, innit’

10- Mira then decides ‘eh whatever I haven’t had contact w anyone in years now so I might as well’

11- she steals the camera film nd leaves a lil scrap of paper saying ‘nice try ;)’ on it

12- student comes back, sees paper, goes ‘dammit’, then leaves note addressed to the ‘library fairy’ and another cookie, as well as more of their work for her to help with

13- bout a decade goes by and now the “Library Fairy” is an urban myth, it’s currently 2003 so she’s also wound up on the school’s unofficial Wikipedia page under ‘local cryptids’

14- most library employees know of her but they don’t go looking out of fear stemming from superstitions bout her, somehow the legend grew from ‘can’t be photographed’ to ‘a student once saw her and died that day’

15- there’s now a small shrine devoted to her where ppl bring offerings hoping to get good grades in return, sometimes they will leave papers for her to proofread nd stuff

16- new prof (named Alexei) finds online article thinks he Knows What’s Up bcos he had a borrower friend as a kid, but they left when borrower’s fam found out about them knowing each other

17- he leaves note wedged in one of her secret entrances behind outlet, asking if she can meet w him at some point

18- Mira, already In it, goes ‘Okay. Alright. This has gone on for long enough. Time to go and never return’ but ofc she’s curious as all hell and like she decides she will at least honor the guy’s request for a convo b4 she goes, but on her terms and w/o speaking face 2 face

19- they Talk in the library after hours, bcos he paid off the janitor to let him stay after hours nd most of the student employees recognize him as a prof nd leave him alone

20- they talk again for every subsequent night

21- she uhhhh finally decides to reveal herself nd prays that her hunch was right nd he won’t try to grab her or anything

22- he doesn’t but she’s nervous so she winds up gettin caught in her own climbing rope like idiot, is now dangling from ceiling in tangled mess

23- he stifles chuckle nd she says smthn sarcastic

24- he moves closer and offers to untangle her

25- she’s like ‘please’

26- so he do, but her grip on the rope slips nd he has to catch her

26- so now she’s in his hand and he just sets her down and now he’s a bumbling embarrassed mess bcos he said he wasn’t going to hold her and he just did and o dear pls forgib him

28- nd she’s like ‘dude u just saved my life it’s fine ur fine chill’

29- internally she’s going HOLY FUCK AAAAAAA but externally, her human’s already worked up enough as it is so she’s gotta b the level headed one

29.5- after a while they both kinda get used to each other more, he gets tenure, they celebrate, some more stuff happens, Aleksei got married (not to Mira, Mira hasn’t actually rly thought about being in a relationship w anyone cos she’s laser focused on gaining as much knowledge as possible)

30- eventually Alexei’s like ‘hey so I’m dean of faculty for the biotech branch now uhhhh would u like actual job teaching students? Cos, uh, you can do it remotely thru online lectures n stuff, no in person interaction, and I uh was just kinda wondering—‘

31- she’s like ‘yes. Yes!!! LET ME HELP PEOPLE OFFICIALLY KINDA’

32- so now she’s a professor, and has revealed her Secret a few times here n there to a number of the faculty, nd she has recorded her own findings in a personal journal

33- ‘humans will treat u like a human if they think ur human first. The kids call it ‘catfishing’’

34- enter Ross, an mall goth who accidentally tripped headfirst into a premed program

35- Mira’s favorite field of study is bio so naturally she’s his prof for a majority of his classes

36- being the good boy that he is, he now knows Mira’s secret. There is an Entire Chapter on him finding out and legit just continuing their conversation as if everything was normal bcos he thought that was how he was supposed to handle the situation

37- then she says ‘u can ask questions, u know’ he’s like OH THANK FUCK CAUSE I HAVE SEVEN HUNDRED OF THOSE

38- and now he kinda knows what to look for in terms of ‘do borrowers live here check yes or no’

39-in his apartment, the answer is yes and he mistakenly kinda stumbles upon the mom one night when he wakes up in the middle of the night for Snack and opts to pretend like its not happening. Unfortunately the thing she was trying 2 borrow (piece of crumb cake for Son Boy’s birthday) is the thing he wants 2 eat so he’s like “uh. ‘Scuse me, ma’am.” and he peels back the saran wrap on the other side of the plate, takes piece, nd then leaves some there for her

40-so now the woman is like ‘welp guess it time 2 Leave’

.1- she and husband Talk

.2-they decide it best 2 go

.3-theyre Packing

.4-lil bab Ellie confused

.5-hawk attacke

.6-cut to Ross

41- Ross also happens to work at a bar and he goes outside for a break

43- he finds smal child—smol smal—on the sidewalk and said child is missing an arm, nd has lost a lot of blood, so he’s uhhhhh Losing It highkey

43.5-parents r nowhere 2 b seen, but the hawk is nearby and circling. Ross gets an idea of what just happened

44- he up and leaves work, thankfully his apartment is above the shop so he jumps up the fire escape w the child and

45- he make tourniquet

46- he calls Mira nd asks her 2 come over to ASAP. he’s A Mess at this point

47- it is Very touch and go, kid needs blood, Mira is the only viable donor so she’s just gotta pray that the blood type is fine and won’t kill him

48- and then eventually they manage 2 stave infection thru antibiotics properly dosed to his size, Mira does Math and Prays basically

49- ‘bout a month in, kid wakes up

50- kid doesn’t rember much since he’s only 3

51- hes v scared of Ross at first but over time he gets used 2 the human

52- kid (elliot) starts 2 call Ross ‘dad’ after a while

53- Ross: *internal screaming but in a good way*

54- the end kinda for now

Part 2

A- New Borrowers In The Building

—three of em. paranoid dad, mom, nd daughter that’s Elliot’s age so he’s pumped

B- Elliot offers them a place 2 stay briefly

C- he knows by now bout like, how borrowers don’t typically interact w humans and Auntie Mira’s a bit of a weird case so he just doesn’t tell em bout his dad being the human

D- the kid finds out first nd doesn’t tell the parents, but they figure it out later kinda and think that it’s a ‘o god he’s being kept as a pet’ sitch so they’re >:| abt it

E- they move out and try to take Elliot w them (by force bcos they think he’s brainwashed) but he escapes and makes it to Ross, who’s like “uhhhhhh”

F- and the mom come out the hole near the counter n starts yelling at Ross, who is…kinda used to it since Mira brings in ppl who need help from time 2 time and they typically don’t react well when they’re lucid enough to understand what’s going on. He’s just not used to being questioned about his own kid

G- so they’re like “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING WITH HIM”

H- and he’s like “r…raising him???”

I- and Ellie steps up and he’s like “this is my dad. I decided he was my dad when I was three. He’s being a good parent”

J- and Ross is like “yeah what he said. I’m a good parent.”

K- Ross is riding that high til the end of fucking time but like back to the story at hand

L- this is when the husband comes out nd is like “lissen. wifey. ily but that is a very big human and he hasn’t grabbed us yet so let’s count our blessings and gtfo”

M- but she’s like “uh no we stay until I’m sure Elliot is Safe and fucking Sound”

N- so they stay for dinner nd stick around a little longer.

O- Val (the kid) gets closer 2 Elliot and also Ross a bit

P- Mira shows once or twice, first time she shows up they’re like “oh god it’s the crazy doctor lady this all makes sense now” (bcos Mira does check up on as many borrower families as possible in her free time so word has got around by now Of her, and the number by which to contact her in case her services r needed)

Q- After a month or so, then they decide to leave bcos they’re like “look we get that ur son is ur son and he only has one arm and in our profession that is kind of a death sentence but we can’t have our kid getting used to dealing w humans who know about our existence” so they go and leave on a kind of sour note bcos Ellie can do anything he wants to do just as well as any other borrower Thank You Very Much and Ross is ready to fite anyone who thinks otherwise

R- Elliot starts trying 2 b more independent, basically from now on he’s like ‘I can do everything my Damn Self Thanks’

S- but uh he does it to a point where he’s going out of the way to endanger himself

T- so they get into a fite about it and ross Yells and Elliot is like ‘kthxbye’

U- and the boi just. Fuckin bolts. Runs Away. Ross is a Mess, he starts smoking again (he quit cold turkey the day he took Elliot in) to curb the depression, he’s jus. Not doin good, worried that his son is dead and the last time they talked it’d ended badly

V- FREEDOM!!!1! Except Ellie doesn’t kno how to take care of himself so it’s a rough month or so and then he runs into some other borrowers livin in their own town in the wild ig, chillin, being hella independent, and he’s like “uh yes ofc I will join u, I was w my dad for a while but.........” he neither confirms nor denies that his dad’s dead but everyone kinda just assumes.

Part 3

W-anyway a year goes by and then the borrower group gets hit hard w some kind of sickness ig. Elliot gets it too he’s basically incapacitated n drifting in and out of lucidity. So. They contact the weird crazy doctor lady who hangs around humans, a.k.a. Mira, and she’s like “oh. fuck. I know this kid.” bcos she does, u kno, and she jus treats em all for their ailment and shows them how to make antibiotic poultice thing in case smthn like it happens again. Mold. Penicillin is basically what it is

X-she and Elliot hav a Chat (Mira basically yells at him a lot) once he’s fixed up and he decides he’s gonna visit his dad but he makes it very clear that he is a Grown Up (he’s not, he’s literally sixteen), and he is living on his own now

Y- he agrees to stay for a week tho since he misses his home a lot tbh and Ross is just. Over the fucking moon to know he’s ALIVE, he’s not gonna fuck up their relationship by insisting that he stay. Or like, by keeping him ofc he would never

Z- unfortunately the borrower community put two and two together and figured out his dad’s human so they have his stuff packed up when he gets back w mira, who’s ready to go the fuck off on them

End 1:

-Ellie is living at Ross’s place atm and hopeful about the future basically. He eventually will go off on his own but he’ll keep in contact w his dad and stuff

Part C.5

55- few yrs later

56- elliot is Adult now he does adult borrower stuff

57- he moves out

58- finds nice borrower gf (her name’s Tess)

59- doesn’t tell her about his dad being human but talks about his dad a LOT

60- so when she asks to meet said father he’s just like “uh. Maybe we don’t do that actually”

61- and she’s like “y tho”

62- and he’s like “bcos”

63- anyway she decides to look into it cos she knows he goes to see his dad nd keep in touch but his dad is allegedly “a recluse who lives in the big scary human’s walls to avoid other ppl”

64- which is. Not true in the slightest tbqh he’s def not an introvert he’s just a workaholic and he Is the big scary human

65- anywho they run into Val and her wife and she’s like “how’s Ross been?” And Elliot is acting Very Suspish so she, being Smart, calls it immediately and is like “oh shit u haven’t told her yet have u”

66- Tess: “told me what”

67- Val: “El’s dad is a human, bro.”

68- Tess: “I’m sorry?”

69- this results in a Big Fight and they separate for like, a month. Elliot blames Val bcos he’s being irrational and doesn’t wanna admit to the fact that lying to his girlfriend for over a year was Real Bad Actually, but over time he’s like ‘yeah it’s my fault sry for snapping at u’ cos he works thru his emotions n stuff

70- Eventually gf comes back cos she’s like “ok so. I understand why you lied to me about your dad. It was a dick move but I do get it and I still care about you a lot. I would like. To meet him.”

80- this is a lie she does not want to meet him she is doing this bcos she does not want to lose Elliot and that outweighs the fear of his dad

81- so they go to meet him but she’s just kinda. Behind the wall at first like “that’s a crazy big human this is crazy ur crazy it’s time to gO”

82- Val is also there bcos she hasn’t seen Ross in a while

83- they eventually coax her out of hiding

84- and by that I mean Val picks her up and drags her out into the open by force bcos she basically freezes up the second she catches sight of Ross and Val’s like “u didn’t come all this way for nothing, bich”

85- they have a Painfully Awkward First Meeting, Tess is trying her best but oh god he’s just too fucking. Larg. Ellie ur dad too big

86- tbh tho the ice kinda breaks after Ellie and Ross get into a fight over smthn stupid (im thinking Elliot grumbles bout Ross’s hair being unruly and he’s worried that mira’s using it like a personal storage system again and Ross is like “I’ve been keeping better track of that actually” and then like a little line of paper clips and a few hand-bound notebooks tied together w some string fall out of his fucking mane and he’s like “I can explain”

87- “dad you can’t keep letting her use your hair like a fucking NEST”

88- Tess is laughing now cos god damn this was not what she was expecting

89- that’s it the end it ends w Tess laughing at them being idiots good times r had by all

Uhhhh that’s it so far. I have More but it’s kinda jumbled rn and I need to fit stuff in places. Anyway.

[angeltrapz]

hhmmmmvnfj asks abt Lawrence? umm in a selfship way: what’s ur favorite gift he’s gotten u? — in a character analysis way, bcuz I’ve posted a lil abt it n u mentioned it in DMs too: if William had survived, bc Lawrence was handling new disciples at that time (like Brad n Ryan), how do u think Lawrence n William would’ve interacted? (esp bc we know William was at least vaguely aware of who Lawrence was pre-trap bc of their connections to John)

dfhskj thank u!!! finally getting 2 this

okay fr the selfship part: mentioned it a little bit when replying 2 the other ask u sent, but it’s a worry stone made out of rhodonite (which looks a lil like this), bc he knows how interested I am in gems + rocks n stuff like that but also bc he wanted me to have smth to fidget with in case I forgot my lil lanyard of rolling beads when we went somewhere! it’s smth I just run my thumb along bc it’s smooth n soft n fits perfectly in the palm of my hand. a lot of times if I’m in an uncomfortable situation I can’t get out of, having that w me helps a lot bc it’s grounding n it reminds me of him 💞💞

fr the character analysis part: KJSKFS YEAH I love getting 2 talk abt that bc I actually think abt it quite a bit. as u said, William and Lawrence have always been vaguely aware of each other on account of being connected thru their interactions w John, the doctor who he felt wasn’t kind/sympathetic enough n the insurance agent who denied his (EXTREMELY experimental, mind u) foreign treatment request. I’m not sure that they ever interacted face-to-face PRIOR to John’s death, but after William survives his test it’s just kinda like... who else does he have 2 talk to that might be able to understand even the tiniest bit what he went thru? he loves Pamela to pieces, of course he does, she’s his only family - but she didn’t see what he’d had to do, doesn’t rly KNOW like Lawrence would.

but I still think he’d absolutely be Cautious, bc even w the desire to be understood n maybe even have someone he could confide in, William knows now that Lawrence has been helping John for quite some time - as we see in 3D and as u said, Lawrence is the one handling new disciples, something that only John ever did; Amanda didn’t have her own apprentices, n Hoffman sure as hell didn’t either. that, n William doesn’t know how much involvement, if any, Lawrence had w his own test - that’s smth that wld haunt him a lil, I think. it’s hard to be comfortable around a person who is not only directly involved w the person who felt it necessary to put u in a trap, but who Also may have been the one to put fucking explosive bracelets/anklets n tattoos on u + SEWN A KEY inside of u, which is INCREDIBLY violating of his bodily autonomy. that could warrant a whole discussion of its own tbh.

but. Lawrence is the closest John ever got 2 having a TRUE successor (which I have conflicting feelings on; my reading of Lawrence in SAW 2004 was not someone who wld have joined up w someone who caused him so much pain, but fr the sake of exploring this, I think tht after going thru something as horribly traumatizing and irreversibly changing as he did, he sought that life of control n routine that he felt he had prior to his game, and well, John could certainly provide that,,,) n William would likely know this. Amanda’s dead, Logan is off doing who knows what n living his life, Hoffman is only doing it out of a weird sense of obligation?, and Jill isn’t rly a disciple, just some1 who’s been dragged into it too. (I think William n Jill actually would’ve gotten along tbh,, it’s a different thing entirely whether William would WANT to interact w her.)

I think Lawrence wld want to be able to reassure William that he had no hand in what happened to him (I don’t even know if Lawrence is the one who fitted the bracelets/did the key?), but he like. wouldn’t even know where 2 begin bc how can he explain that in a way that William could ever rely on? how could he ever convince William that he truly wasn’t responsible when all the other man wld have 2 do is look at all of th ppl he assisted John in securing/operating on? Hoffman was the one who put William in his trap, but Lawrence doesn’t know he’ll ever b able 2 prove that in a way William can believe. n I don’t think he’d expect William to believe him, not at all, but I think Lawrence at that point truly doesn’t have anyone - he and Alison are divorced and she has Diana, Adam isn’t around obviously, John + Amanda are gone, Hoffman doesn’t know he exists, so who does he have? I think he longs fr that sort of connection, even if it Is forged thru smth as terrible as what they were both individually put thru by John - they have tht common ground of being involved in his diagnosis + the way he responded to them (petty fucking grievances... kramer I will literally knock yr teeth in u fucker) n being ppl he considered partially responsible fr his downfall in a way (Lawrence wasn’t “kind enough,” William said no to a highly expensive and experimental international treatment that they weren’t even sure wld WORK). and like, not necessarily 2 the same extent, but they were both physically altered by what they went thru. Lawrence is missing his foot. William has scars + tattoos that he could get covered up, sure, but the experience isn’t going away. the scar on his side where the key was hidden is never going away. Lawrence’s prosthetic is functioning but the fact that he cut his fucking foot off isn’t going away. n that’s not even TOUCHING the lasting mental effects.

so I think William wld be feeling rly lost. he just doesn’t know what to do. he doesn’t know if he can even go back to the life he led b4 (if he does, it’s not for a very long time) n he has a hard time looking Pamela in the eye bc he feels personally responsible fr her having been there too + bc of what he’d been made to do to so many ppl. he feels alone, much more than he ever has before, n that’s saying smth bc his personal life was already extremely solitary bc he felt it was safer for him + his career. no one could possibly understand what he went thru, bc nobody saw it. nobody saw the way he tried so hard to keep every1 alive, the way he tried to help the people he worked with + CARED FOR even if he had 2 put himself thru pain to do it (holding onto those pulleys until his shoulders were almost DISLOCATED fr Addy n Allen, burning himself w the steam so Debbie could get thru the maze, the entirety of the shotgun carousel). Tara + Brent didn’t see him sacrifice himself fr his coworkers, n neither did Pamela. nobody knows. William wants some1 to connect with, n that just doesn’t seem like a possibility given that what he went thru in there is knowledge that only he himself + Hoffman carry.

but Lawrence knows. he understands n he's the one 2 kinda make that offer, to just be like “u don’t have 2 trust me right now, or even ever, but I understand n if u want some1 2 talk to, I’m here.” bc what does he have to lose? Adam is gone. Alison n Diana are gone. he’s by himself. and so is William, though he has Pamela. they’re both men who went thru smth unspeakably terrible bc a dying man wanted 2 play god n they came out of it much worse off than they ever were b4 John “helped” them. n William is just like. how much worse could it get? after Jigsaw, what could possibly be worse than what he’s already gone thru? so he’s just kind of like, “okay, we can work this out, I can’t say I trust u right now but maybe I can in the future. we can do this together. we can help each other.” n that’s how they end up meeting for coffee or breakfast/lunch/dinner every so often (coffee meets are at least weekly), n it’s just kind of like. the reassurance that some1 has seen the very worst parts of u and are still around. the relief of knowing someone sees u and knows how hard yr fighting to rebuild a life that’s been shattered into a million tiny pieces. n they’re struggling against that current together, and maybe it starts in a place of “I have no one else so I might as well chill w u,” but eventually William and Lawrence kind of fall into this uneasy friendship. they’re there for each other. William calls Lawrence when he has a nightmare that keeps him up fr hours after, shaking n w his heart beating out of his chest bc he doesn’t want to remember. Lawrence spends th night at William’s place every now n then bc he can’t be alone w his thoughts n the phantom pain in his leg just won’t quiet. they meet for coffee. they have breakfast sometimes. Lawrence has clothes n a toothbrush at William’s and vice versa. they’re in this together.

n maybe that escalates into more (which I believe wld only happen after they get 2 a point where they’ve discussed, at length, John’s legacy n who exactly would be continuing it + if anyone WLD be, n after Hoffman is “disposed of” in a sense), but even if not, they both know they Have Someone who looks at them n doesn’t see them as a monster, not the horrible person John thought he needed to “fix.” they both carry scars, both physically n mentally, frm what they went thru. they’re both struggling to get their bearings + Lawrence is still coping w what he’ll need to do after John’s (and eventually, Jill’s) passing. it won’t be easy, but they’re not walking alone. they’re wading thru the mud together, hand in hand, and fr William n Lawrence, that is enough.

[starkastichotmess]

@legacydefined​ asked: ;;time for a random positivity message! ngl I really admire you!! we don’t really talk ooc but I’ve seen how much work you put into not only tony, but your other blogs too, and it baffles me how anyone would have the patience or ability to create so much, and yet here you are!! doing it three times over!! your tony is amazing; every time I read something from him I can hear it in his voice, perfectly clear. you have his mannerisms down pat and you are so good at setting a scene, honestly, it’s inspiring!! you’re doing an incredible job and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day!!

If this seems a bit disjointed, please understand that I’ve felt like absolute shite for the last several days between having a ptsd episode the other day triggered by a tornado siren test and then my blood sugar being severely out of whack today thanks to hypoglycemia, so my brain is kinda ‘nnnh’ right now.

BUT!! jdhfksjdhfjhasdkhf!! Thank you?!!!!

Listen, getting a character’s voice right is like... absolute priority for me in my writing, because dialogue comes far easier to me than descriptions (a bit ironic, considering my own social anxiety disorder that at times leaves me completely nonverbal to where I end up resorting to what sign language I know).

So the fact that you hear Tony so clearly? My reaction?

(There really is a SPN gif for everything, isn’t there?)

This arrived just as I was closing out of doing some coding (updated the interactions page over on the Doctor Who multi), which is that “extra coding work that I do for my blogs that I need for accessibility purposes but omfg time consuming”. It’s a good thing I actually find coding relaxing (most of the time, so long as I don’t forget a semicolon or leave a tag unclosed and have to go searching through hundreds of lines of codes to fix it), given how I kinda... overdo some of it, I guess?

Let’s see... Four blogs housing 27 full muses (not including the irregulars and npcs), of which 7 of them are original (or canon-based) characters? And honestly, that’s not even scratching the surface of how many characters I could write, given I also write fanfic and original fiction for fun outside of tumblr? But that means 27+ muse dossier pages, some of whom have multiple tabs per muse thanks to AUs and such (mostly Tony and Layla, since their backgrounds change more drastically between AU verses than most).

Yeah... I don’t know how I manage it either most days, honestly. Besides having literal decades worth of coding experience, which is why I’m more comfortable doing coded pages. Plus it makes working off templates a hell of a lot easier when I can speed up the process with multiline find & replace (extremely useful for things like the tag pages and whatnot).

But again, thank you. You had magnificent timing with this, honestly, because things have been difficult and stressful lately, which is why I’ve been kinda... all over the place without any rhyme or reason. But this made me smile and get all butterflies-ly (totally a word now... shush, I haven’t slept yet, and I’ve lost track of when the last time I did sleep was... Don’t emulate your own muse’s bad habits, kids; though I’m just dealing with chronic insomnia as per usual). 

Also, we can absolutely chat ooc. I’m just one of those people who unless a) I have something specific to say, or b) I know with certainty that sending absolutely random stream-of-conscious thoughts at you at any time of the day or night (sometimes while being half-asleep myself because I woke myself up with the thought and have to send it immediately or I’d forget) is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged, then I often won’t say anything at all since I abhor small talk and will actively avoid it as much as possible.

The latter of which often leads to me using chats on discord as notepads for “omg, here’s a thing for this muse!” and then dropping unexpected fluff or angst on them so that I can work it into things later. 

Like for Tony’s Mass Effect AU, where I came to the realisation that for his fear of space to remain intact while he’s living on a bloody space station and where intergalactic space travel is very much part of his daily life through Stark Industries, he’s going to end up having to get spaced. And not just through a hole in the hull of a ship or anything, but something akin to the wormhole all over again, just with a twist of who caused it and what he finds on the other side.

On that note, I really do need to try again to get some sleep. Or to at least lay down for a few hours again. But thank you again! I love you! 🥰💕

[prcphetess]

greetings ladies, theydies, n gaydies !  it’s officially pride month / my birth month which means my power and chaos are both at their absolute highest so i apologize in advance :/  ANYWAY i’m hannah, i’m twenty but only for a couple more weeks, i’m kickin it in the est, n i use she/her pronouns !  now onto what you’re all here for ...

enter LOURDES CLEMONTE .

her app / bio are kind of Wild Rides but if ur in the business of reading i did send her app in the discord server n i also have Just her bio linked on her navigation tab as well as a stats page !! but i’ll try my best to summarize all the important stuff here !

also before we get started .. a quick TW for child loss, non-descriptive mentions of grooming, sexual harassment/assault, abuse, car crashes, n death and i THINK that’s everything

HISTORY.

it all started w her dad .. leopold clemonte.. in summary: fuck that guy !

he’s a hot shot author turned movie writer man but in order to gain all of his success he had to make a series of shady deals w none other than our petty king apollo

deal #1 was the life of her twin brother :(

deal #2 was her mother’s sanity aka she became like.. a ghost essentially who no longer speaks or interacts w anyone it’s very sad

deal #3 was meant to be lourdes 

now to backtrack a minute, our girl lou went to school to become a playwright bc her whole life she was desperate to make herself seem worthy to her father n unfortunately leopold knew this and used it to his advantage when apollo demanded he pay off his debt

leopold essentially groomed her to please apollo and promised that she would have a hand in his business forever if she could do tht so she was like okay :)

until .. apollo’s price got too high... u know... n she dared to say no and for that she was Punished

aka cursed

but more about that later

anyway bc she royally pissed off apollo by rejecting him, leopold ALSO lost all his help in being famous and had to turn to a famously wealthy family in california known as the grimaldis 

in order to get them to fund him, he forced lourdes to marry their son brooks who was Not A Nice Man 

2 years into their marriage brooks died in a car accident tht lou Might have caused.. for legal reasons i can neither confirm nor deny whether tht happened but the police didn’t charge her so do with tht what you will 

but she kind of went on the run anyway bc post-curse her doctors were like “nah this bitch is straight up crazy” and she knew her dad wasnt gonna b happy with her for another deal going sour so .. she ran !  and she’s kinda been hotel hopping between towns for the last 3 years trying her best not to interact w anyone !

CURSE.

lou’s curse is all abt prophecy baby !

okay so basically she can see the future of things/objects via touching them which was a whole big symbolic thing in the app bc she “deceived” apollo w her hands .. idk man here’s the line from the bio tht says it best

he  binds  her  wrists  and  says  because  it  was  your  hands  you  used  to  lie ,  now  your  hands  will  see  the  truth  as  he  renders  her  incapable  of  touching  anything  or  anyone  without  foreseeing  an  imminent  doom .  you  will  see  but  never  be  seen ,  he  says .  you  will  hear  but  never  be  heard .

ofc in true cassandra style, if she tries to talk to anyone abt her curse ever it’s like the earth swallowed her whole.. nobody can hear her.. nobody can see her.. nothing.. 

she also has absolutely no idea how to control it at all so like sometimes they’re very vivid images of something going to happen sometimes theyre more like bad feelings abt things .. it’s like a fun game where she never knows whats gonna happen and the prophecies ruin her life !

another quote bc im too lazy to resummarize things

the  general  rule  of  thumb ,  however ,  is  that  the  smaller  the  vision ,  the  easier  it  is  to  see  clearly .  small - scale  or  individual  prophecies  —  like  her  university  president  having  a  heart  attack  —  are  generally  more  easy  to  distinguish .  in  comparison ,  the  years  of  anguish  that  brooks  would  later  cause  her  were  much  harder  to  pin  down  and  presented  themselves  more  as  a  more  general  sense  of  danger .

 the only way she can stop it is with a literal.. physical barrier so she sometimes wears gloves but she can only have them on for a small amount of time before her body starts to reject it and make her Physically Unwell so she has to pick n choose man its unfortunate

EXTRA INFO.

man homegirl is Lonely.. big time... she’s just been avoiding human contact for such a long time she’s ALONE !

she has 2 major scars from the car accident, one on her left cheek from the windshield and one down her right shoulder/bicep from the window and both are very much noticeable :(

she very much loves this small town feeling bc she loves to b invisible and it’s so easy to in sleepy nowhere towns like this

she lives off the database property in like .. a tiny run down house that she’s putting all her time and energy into fixing up n she likes it a lot bc she hasnt had a home of her own in a long time

she also has a black cat named ernest, named after the play the importance of being earnest by oscar wilde

she’s also been working on a PLAY for the last few years, it’s a greek-esque tragic “romance” between the sun and the moon, where the sun is based on apollo and the moon is based on her and it does end with the sun realizing tht the moon is the only person w the power to eclipse him and extinguish him so get fucked apollo !

also speaking of writing she writes a letter home to her mom once every couple of months even tho like .. she can’t really read.. it’s very sad, lou is very sad, thank u for listening

ok this is already like .. stupid long.. so im gonna call it a day WHEW but thank u for reading n i think i’ve honestly already plotted w most of u but feel free 2 like this anyway n i’ll either slide into ur dms either to plot or just to say hey KSDJFSK :)

[smallgayblanket]

Fresh Muse List

In case you guys were curious about my characters I have a big old list:

Egos:

Anti   (Usually the softer kind, has green emerald glowings eyes which turn staticy blue when hes vulnerable/being open/himself. He can be an asshole though and does in deed take out bad guys with his knife.)

Jameson Jackson  (Mute but does actually still have a voice- his vocals are in ruins and he's kinda dealing with poor eating making him dangerously skinny. He works as a bartender and has silver tipped brown hair that's a little bit longer than the others.)

Crank  (Robot Ethan ego. He’s an utter mess- eyes sometimes fizzle out, joints stiff, has emotional issues. He also has a corrupted voice in his head that is real nasty when he pops up and sometimes takes over their shared frame.)

Blank  (Fricking soft boy, his aura is hard to control and sometimes controls him. He has a rare heart issues which makes him prone to fainting and collpasing without much warning.  Still, he tries.) 

Jackieboyman   (Super hero boy! Super buff, caring, kind, and tol.  Lilac/Gold eyes. Little odd strip of red in his brown hair. The best voice.  Works as a gas station worker to hide his identity (he looks great in the blue button up and glasses.) He.’s ftm trans. Sometimes I HC him as a phionex other times he has pretty golden whips of light.)

King of the Squirrels   (Otherwise known as Simon. He’s a hybrid, Tail, ears. Omega. Very sweet, little skittsh and frzzled. Wears glasses and cozy sweaters- likes making nests and being out in nature. Loves PB but is actually allergic..doesn’t keep him from eating it though.)

Henrick Von Schneeplestien  (Grumpy german doctor who lives off of coffee. He is willing to assist those in need and really needs to sleep.)

Chase Brody  (He’s got his youtube channel and a bunch of positive vibes! He’s strugglign sometimes with depression but its not always so bad. Sometimes he had real bad migrains though, and he also suffers from chornic fatigue making his days shorter or hard to get teverything done.)

Wilford Warfstache  (We know him, lover of bubbles and pink. Talks funny, loves candy. Chubby man.) 

Yandere  (Nonbinary somewaht MTF.  They’re a real cutie, will punch dickheads without a sweat and really just want someone to be their senpai and let them fall for them head over heels without running away..) 

Were-Eth  (Ethan got bit by a werewolf and now deals with that. Basically an Ethan muse with a small twist. He’s absoultely adorable with the tail and ears and sharp teef.)

Mark  (Abused and kidnapped by Author My Mark is a little bit softer then the guy he’s based on. He’s a little bit shorter and alot more anxious and unsure of himself thanks to Author breaking him down. He’s vcovered in lots of scars spescfially his wrist’s and does not like water much. )

Bing.  (Tries his hardest to be good, bit glitchy but he’s chill. He tries to skate, and jokes wen nervous. He’s pretty sweet though.) 

Edward Iplier  (Absoulte adorable dork, He tries to help everyone and anyone no matter what- I’ve kinda fallen in love with the idea of him only having one arm but that’s only one of many ideas. He loves space, he’s chubby and also loves food. He’s got a prety neat aura ablity too.) 

Robbie.  (Soft grape zombie boy. He’s sweet and innocent as ever. He’s easily th e shyest of the bunch and doesn’t always talk to much. He loves getting affection though and is always eager to please.) 

And meet my OCS! Some of them are old- and alot of them are new! There's a little description for each just to get your interest~

Quinton  (A Hybrid of Demon and Angel otherwise called a Guardian.)

Ori ( Very pure angel boy AU of the angel half of Q - a little androgynous when it comes to clothing he/him sometimes they/them.)

Zeno  (A DJ with a somewhat secret love for dancing too. Only has one arm.)

Lumi (Ghost boy- literally- he died and he’s kinda like Danny phantom in reverse- he can turn solid but eventually has to rest and turn back to being unable to interact with objects)

Eztli   (Pretty grump guy who was cursed by a witch to be immortal- although it made his blood kinda..weird..)

Gallio (Strawberry Hipster guy- A photographer who also has hypoglycemia)

Aomi (A blackberry witch- hes not very great at spells yet but he tries!)

Lucas (A moonstone gem perma-fusion. Quite a nervous wreck.)

Eme. (A smart scientist. Human. Nothing special.)

Chris. (Camp leader! He’s based off David from camp camp but hes far more buff and hes not so over the top. He has his own green house and is part dryad.)

Alex  (A very confused, overly optimist Alien who doesn’t know what they are. Come from the planet Eutychia)

Locus  (Fish boi!  Transparent fins, glowy patches, plays harp + loves music)

Lir(A Tiny Octopus/Human boy!!)

Reese (Passionfruit bab! Literally. He kinda contains passionfruit pulp but don’t cut him open!!! :< Or do if you want weird angst >_>)

Benji (Strawberry shortcake boi- Cursed tape /bandages. Demi half god. One eye. Uses notes to communicate but also sign. Really. Good sweets maker)

Small bois- These boys are pocket sized! though sometimes I do like to think about them being human sized ^^.

Kiyan. (A little assistant android. Created to assist! He works at a post office currently. Pronouns do not matter to him though its usually he/they/it.)

Tobias. (Made of hair gel. Eats soap. Someone stop him before he gets a tummy ache. He/him.)

Hinto  (Guy made of foam slime- He was kinda based off Remy aka Sleep from the fanders.)

Glowstick bubs (They are tiny boys who glow like well- glowsticks but also lavalamps, very pretty to look at. and theyre nocturnal!)

Theo(A tiny ink creature. He makes a mess but hes adorable.)

JellyBubs! (A collection of tiny sentient jelly babies, The main one being strawberry aka Jeri. They dont mind what you calm them but usually they works best.)

Miel (A tiny little bee boy! He makes honey.)

Moyachi  (Cactus boi!! Loves water and has clear/lime green tinted aloe/herbal helpful blood. Spikes up at defense from bad people)

Apocolyse Squad:

Long story shot: The planet Keres,  Left uninhabitable after the invasion that ruined the air and killed almost the entire race. I have loads of stuff to talk about for this gang of 6:

Sameal o’Ceirin (Being of smoke- partly blind.)

Mallory Thomas (Part cat! Can talk to animals. Nonbinary/genderfluid.)

Hamrish Benat  (Also goes by Hami/Hayden. He/him. 4 eyes, soft tongue. PTSD. Super soft boy. Loves soap cutting videos (and doing it himself) and bears/plushies - Has an arrange of cute face masks. Is a trained nurse and learning to be a pediatrician.)

Joshua who cares (An asshole lets leave it at that.)

Andy Peters (Strong, kind. Kind of like Tyler Scheid, He/him.

Adrian  Géarán  ( Real anxious. Gets bullied alot. bit of a weakling/cry baby to some. Has a pretty shit immune system struggles with food and sleep.. He has a Demon esc-Tail, fire abilities, likes to make little robots. He loves iron man. He/him.)  

Liren Pichi (Deaf peaches n cream boi- Nickname Pichi.  He wasn’t part of the squad- however he did end up landing on their planet- he had some rough encounters with the aliens ^^)

Neighbours AU:

These guys all live in the same little  cul de sac

Lynx is from planet Ananke.

They all live on the new homeworld, Ermioni. (Its basically earth just a few more creatures live there and the government is less of a mess.)

Lesbabs:

Blake Aglaia  (She/ her.  A human with a gift of being able to put emotions into glass balls..)

Lynx ?? (She/her/they/xe/ xir  An alien and human, the alien somewhat resides inside its host but they coexist. Sometimes goes feral)   Alien half likes to go by Perse  (Percy)  They have cool looking saliva- viens that run down their arms that are pretty cool- sharper nails/claws? Tendrils. Large ol mouth. Lots of point ass teef.

Demon fam:

Hyacinth ( A six-armed demon. Grows flowers on his skin based on emotions. He’s a huge mother hen, will care for anyone. Enjoys cooking and gardening and children.  He/Him)

Rhys  (They/Them. A Demon with a great curiosity about humans) Feri  (The sibling of Ryhs)

Anthos (Rhys and Hy’s summoned accidental toddler.. He has a cute tail and tinnny horns.  He/him)

Roommates:

Douglas Connelly  (He/Him A regular chubby human bean! Loves baking and music.)

Donovan Amores  (He/Him/ Real fricking cool and smokin hot Bartender with a love for dogs. Dougs roommate. Has glowing fuckin orbs- donates his heart- is smooth as fuck, background heavily Spanish (moved when young.))

Haris Alaksim Real name (lost in translation  (Huitzilopochtli God of sun and war) ) - A god whom Dono is very close with and donates his heart two one every 3 years during the day of the highest sun. He is a god / Mouros.  Donovan refers to him as “Dios gentil”  or “ Viejo colibrí sabio”   (“El viejo colibrí sabio es un dios gentil” (The old wise hummingbird is a gentle god.)

Donovans Family

Rem (They/He/Him Looks after magical creatures- Cane is from Haris)

Oscar  (He/Him.  Not sure what trinket or power but He’s just a casual store worker w/ good arms. Surprisingly good with knives- perhaps has one from Haris?)

Nicole  (She/her/they/them.  Makes clothes..possibly got some ability to do with seasons..?  Perhaps earrings or a bracelet from Haris)

Javi  (Makes jam, cute boy, wears cloaks. Has a cute little jar necklace  ^ a proper sized magic jar.  Doesn’t mind whatever pronouns but usually prefers he/him/boy.)

Luca (FTM Trans bookkeeper- Talks to Haris most often and likes to ask questions..Has precious books…Possibly a special pen..)

Forest bois:

Cypress (The soul of the forest - Mentor of Rem. Doesn't mind what you call him but usually leans masculine.)

Unicorn boi (Yet to be fleshed out. Hes got very rare blood- lost his horn and lives with a giant inside of a bubble?  He/him/it)

Fyn. (Mushroom boy. Protects a gate. Lost his twin in a fire caused by humans.. He/him)

Fie. (Bat boy. Love fruit. Is ironically scared of the dark- shy but cute. He/Him)

Moh. (Fairy/incubus hybrid.  They/them)

Tucker. (Bunny hybrid- cool guy with bunny ears and a tail. Soft white patches on his chest. Got a bit of an attitude but is chill- is also friends with Ainsley. He/him but is usually mistaken for a girl because he by bunny standards is..)

Ainsley. (Fawn boy. Wears glasses. Much like a deer, skittish and nerdy and keeps to himself. Tries to keep Tucker out of trouble but usually ends up dragged along instead)

Experiments:

Izekiel  Iris (A being of Paint!  Stutter, anxious, hallucinates. Zones out alot. An amazing artist though. He/him though has feminine tendencies.)

Matty   (An experiment, part human, part lizard, part dragon. Much smol and cute. Hes very quiet, selectively mute on occasion. Lots of scars and trauma, scars on his arms and constantly needs to wear bandages. Very easily tired. he/him.)

Nes. (Based of off Crankgameplays as face claim but he’s basically his own thing at this point. He’s been through alot of angst and trauma and some really nasty stuff ^^’ (He killed his parents, the ice cream truck driver tried to abduct him, he was experimented on in a very bad place, and now he's an utter wreck who will cling to anyone who gives him the time of day. He has murder tenancies but is full of guilt and hates whenever he hurts anyone. Lots of panics. Very hard to handle if you aren’t patient.)

[coalessscence]

one of my favorite worst things to Think About are the ways herb’s casually neglectful childhood sometimes just....surfaces in the every day world of his life now. and since his whole shtick is my childhood was perfect my father is basically god and i have absolutely no parent issues idk what ur talking abt, he winds up having to flail, having to learn on the way down, and try to keep up a cover that he knew all along. which, usually, doesn’t work, and just makes it all the more sad. here’s a few examples i’ve thought of because i don’t love myself:

someone around the station gets stuck with something metal and comments they might need a tetanus shot. herb was definitely never taken to the doctor’s for a checkup and regular vaccinations as a child, and since he works daytime hours lucille takes the kids while he’s at work, so he literally has never had a shot and he doesn’t fully understand what vaccines are, aside from cultural osmosis, so he asks in telling confusion, “what’s that supposed to mean?” @piper-aileen-lenox specifically, thnx for making me think of this and ruining my life xx

when herb and lucille moved in together (i imagine they were engaged but maybe not married just yet) lucille made it clear to her rather sexist fiance that she was expecting him to tow the line around the house just as much as her, which he agreed to, except when she asked him to do the grocery shopping thinking that was a harmless thing he could do (not like she’d trust him to actually get the dishes clean or fold her clothes so they don’t wrinkle). they almost never had food consistently in the house growing up and if they did eat full meals, they only had the food for THAT MEAL around because 1. herb sr. and ruby (herb’s parents) lived an erratic lifestyle of little to no money or a whole lot of money but only for a second because it was burning a hole in herb sr.’s pocket, and because 2. ruby quickly learned spending money on food ahead was pointless because either herb sr. hecked off somewhere w/o warning and it went bad, or his deadbeat friends hung around and ate it all, so she only bought for that day if they had the money for anything. but since no one was ever around to TEACH herb anything and he figured most things out on his own, herb doesn’t understand all this and he literally thinks you’re not supposed to by food until you run out or that you have to throw out whatever you have left at the end of the week because....... who knows ???? that’s just what he thought. it caused multiple arguments early into herb and lucille’s relationship before she figured it out and explained it to him because he didn’t know well enough to ask.

when herb and lucille’s first child, bunny, was born, he had to be shown how to hold a baby by the doctor. he had literally never held or even interacted with a baby before until that moment. he had no siblings (that he knew of), he had no friends as a child because if he wasn’t the bully he was the target and he was an ass just like dear old dad so no one liked him anyway, and he had 0 other family. lucille realized in that moment as she watched his palpable confusion when she extended their newborn child to him that he was going to have a lot of learning and growing to do. she hoped he was ready for it.

god that time there was a station fam barbecue early into herb’s wkrp career and someone, maybe mr. carlson, is like ‘WHO WANTS TO BE THE GRILL MASTER’ like its a big deal and everyone is like oh it has to be herb bc he’s the newest out of us and hes aware all the men see it as a status symbol and he CAN’T be less of a man than another man bc Ego (tm) so hes like of course im the grill master !!! and then panics for the next thirty minutes because he’s literally never even stood next to a grill let alone used one HOW DOES IT WORK the first fifteen minutes he doesnt even have the gas on rip

when herb was, like, 15, he taught himself how to drive a car because one of his “friends” (peers who was a bully that he called a friend and hung out with to stop also getting bullied but who was still bullying him anyway, herb was just brainwashed into thinking that’s what friendship is) wanted them to go out cruising and herb wanted to be a Cool Guy and not look like a chump so he lied and said he could drive. they got pulled over, because of course they did, and herb got in big trouble for you know, driving w/o a licences. the kicker though is that herb didn’t fucking know you can’t drive without a license or that licenses and road tests and drivers ed were even a THING because he literally raised himself and no one ever  t a u g h t   h i m   a n y t h i n g. anyways his dad got called home to deal with it from wherever he was away at at the time and he got in big trouble for interrupting dear old dad’s work anyways so :) what a healthy family

surprisingly, herb DID know how to cook the basics. grilled cheese, pasta, stir fries, a couple casseroles. lucille asked him about it because he was always such a Gender Roles (tm) type of man who wouldn’t even wear a brighter shade of red than like. maroon. in case it got loosely contaminated with the concept of the color pink and he’d have to change his name and move to alaska. so why was he doing a “ womans job “ (cooking) and herb just looked confused and said “what, guys don’t cook?” she told him that no, they usually didn’t and would have laughed at her if she tried to make them, and he laughed awkwardly and absently stirred the pot on the stove and shrugged in mild confusion. “that’s weird. if i didn’t cook i’d have... starved, i guess.”

the bad news is his cooking wasnt GREAT and lucille was happy to take over because again.........self taught. and he has one (1) brain cell so. not Great

LITERALLY DIDN’T KNOW ALL CLOTHES DON’T HAVE TO BE DRY CLEANED. his dad literally wore clothes that had to be dry cleaned Every Day (and we wonder why the tarlek family was short on the food budget god) (and they were ugly clothes too akdhfjfg) and ofc if ruby washed her clothes, it was while herb was at school. he dry cleaned so many clothes that do Not Make Sense to dry clean in college before he slowly figured that out.

did not know what an allowance was. bunny asked him for one and not willing to seem stupid to his swift daughter he told her to ‘ask her mother’, who thought it was hecking weird that her money obsessed husband would say that, so she asked him why and after several long minutes he just shrugged helplessly and said “what’s an allowance?”

don’t even get me started on herb and lucille planning their wedding ( ‘what kind of stuff should we put on the gift register?’ “put on the WHAT?”  ‘what are we going to put on top of the cake?’ “there’s gonna be CAKE?”  ‘i can’t wait for daddy to walk down the isle with me, it’ll mean a lot to him’ “your DAD is gonna walk you down the isle....?? but you’re marrying ME, right?”   ) also herb not knowing the wedding look of the bride is supposed to be a Secret and barging into the room w a question or smth while lucille and her bridesmaids are getting ready, and everyone is hella miffed and he’s like WHAT i’ve seen her naked before and theyre all like THATS NOT THE POINT HERB

herb did Not Know about seasonal allergies. he just........didn’t know. he just thought god hated him and every spring and fall his head sprung a leak. and the whole time he was growing up no one A. listened to him complain about them and put 2 and 2 together, nor B. just taught him about basic first aid stuff in general for that matter he doesnt know shit. anyways, then lucille was like why are you such a tough guy just stop complaining and take some medicine for your stupid allergies and he was like take some what for my what now

ANYWAYS herb’s mom left while he was v young and he doesn’t remember much about her. herb’s dad was literally   n e v e r   home. the people herb’s dad left him with would work for obscenely low amounts of pay or owed herb sr. money and largely used all the money for their own food, drugs, alcohol, or other more unsightly business, and left herb alone to fend for himself. this is the disaster human that that produced, thanks, family dynamics! don’t abandon your children, kids, thanks for coming to my ted talk

[boofmont]

- ̗̀ * ( liana liberato + cisfemale + she/her ) have you seen ( saige beaumont ) walking around campus ? they are a ( 20 ) year old, studying ( linguistics + criminal psychology ). we hear they are in ( theta sigma eta ), and can be ( passionate & irrational ), maybe it’s because they are a ( cancer ). they sort of remind us of ( drunk stick n' pokes at 2am, avoiding cracks in the sidewalk, the familiar riff of an old song ), maybe we can find out more ! ( jamesy the fool + 20 + EST + she/they ) * ̖́- + newspaper photographer, campus tour, swim

lmao hi here’s my final baby she is the love of my life i’ve known her for 8 years i think and she’s come a long way sdfkgh please love her as much as i love her. if i was fictionkin i’d identify solely with her (and she’s not even a self insert ! wow !) **IM STILL ON HAITUS UNTIL MONDAY BUT I HAD THIS READY TO GO LMAO**

TW: ALCOHOLISM, DRUG ABUSE? MENTIONS.

gen. info

full name: saige alouette beaumont

nickname(s): she...doesn’t have any in this timeline but PLEASE, she LOVES nicknames. she’s a nickname slut.

b.o.d. - july 7th, 20 whole yrs old.

label(s): the hedonist, the icarcian, the reveler, etc. etc.

height: 5′7″ thank u very much !!

hometown: thibodaux, louisiana

sexuality: firstly when aren’t my babies bi as FUCK (minus aster). but she also prefers masc-presenting folks

biography

the only child of a world renown fashion designer named manon lévêsque (surname kept b/c Branding) and US lieutenant general robert beaumont

manon’s brand is like...on the level of chanel, and dior, and shit, y’know??

manon’s...obv french, very french. born n raised in france. 

robert beaumont comes from a very southern family, all located in louisana. also french, just more...american.

they’re fucking loaded

saige’s childhood wasn’t the...Usual, childhood. they moved around a lot as due to both of her parents’ jobs. (’cos robert wasn’t ALWAYS a 4-star army man smh)

the longest they’ve rly stayed in one place (minus saige’s ucla yrs) is like...two yrs, tops ??

due 2 that she didn’t rly make...a lotta friends?

but when she DID , it was always the most interesting ppl she could find

but her parents were always SUPER strict

it was like they came together purely to mold the perfect child

like, they controlled where she went! what she wore! who she interacted with! what she watched or read or listened to!

she’d have bodyguards on her when her parents were busy, not nannies

she was taught all the proper things ladies were to learn, like cooking and sewing and ballroom dancing, and more

she was also taught how to drop a man to his knees in less than 10 seconds and how to shoot a gun, but that was it in terms of self defense skdfgh

eventually saige got bored with a life of being carefully watched and attending military balls and fashion runways

how do u surround a girl w/ so much culture and expect her to not want to experience life for what it is?

she learned how to dodge guards in order to go canoeing in the full moon with strangers she’d met five hrs prior, and how to blend in at festivals filled with throat-melting sweet drinks

she almost landed in a tabloid at the age of 15 for sneaking out w/ a boy three years older and her parents paid a lot of money to hide it.

no matter how much they tried to keep her rooted, saige always found a way to bend the rules and escape her lil golden cage

like they even had her homeschooled w/ the best tutors one could pay for n she still yeeted tf out whenever she could

born for the party life t b h

they decided that the best course of action to deal w/ her was to finally keep her in one place so they p much made her go to ucla lmao

homegirl did NOT want to go at first, just ‘cos she HATES being rooted to one place, is used to traveling the world and seeing shit and learning other cultures n shit, y’know ??

but then she joined theta sigma eta lmao n the parties ??

fucking amazing

it didn’t take a lot for her to be convinced to stay, esp ‘cos her parents didn’t quite realize...how big the party scene is

(not like they could’ve sent her to like...harvard or smth...homegirl’s smart but not THAT smart lmaooo)

unfortunately, saige has piss poor self control; and this was too much freedom for her. she was being Too Wild

anyWays the summer before her current year (i ... think she’s a sophomore ?) she went to a particularly wild party and somehow ended up at one of her mother’s collection launch parties w/ a pal of hers !!

and she totally embarrassed her mom !! in front of everybody !! being lil’ ol drunk n freshly 20 yr old !

after that saige was NOT welcomed at home (wherever home was, at the moment, that is). she wasn’t DISOWNED ‘cos that’d be HORRIBLE for the press n god, imagine the media ?? it would worsen it all

but she wasn’t allowed at home. wasn’t allowed with them. wasn’t allowed to see them unless at events they specifically ordered her to come to for press reasons

doesn’t really...know where she’s going to go in the summer ‘cos the summer she Fucked Up she lived out of hotel suites and friend’s couches. n like yeah she can just Buy a place or smth but ?? commitment ?? adult decisions ?? christ !

nobody knows her parents have essentially kicked her tf out and aren’t even talkin’ to her, ‘cos homegirl’s ashamed

it isn’t rly hard to hide it tho ‘cos her parents still give her a shit ton of money LMAO rich privilege

but it can’t fix how absolutely hurt she is

the alcohol , however, COULD

started partying more, and more intensely, and didn’t stop when the parties did

alcohol became part of her diet.

irish cream in her mornin’ coffee, coke n rum at lunch, vodka and like...23 packets of crystal lite in her hydro flask during lectures

without alcohol, she suffers terrible withdraws and those turn her into a completely different person

noBoDy KnoWs

or if they do, they don’t realize the extent of it! just how bad it is! ‘cos she’s a big ol’ faker

she’s fine it’s FINE

personality

i actually have...traits i’ve written for her

positive traits:

kindhearted, optimistic, energetic, dreamy, charismatic, intelligent (to...a degree, lmao), active, charismatic, sympathetic, amiable

negative traits:

naive, dumb (to...a degree, double lmao), self-destructive, spiteful, stubborn, defensive, inattentive, unstable, loud, reckless

but ANYWAYS

if she wants to do smth, she’ll do it

there’s no way to talk her outta whatever she has set in her mind, even if it’s fucking STUPID

‘cos she’s stupid and we love her for it

uuuUuUuUuUUUUhh

she’s a vegetarian, loves animals too much 2 do it

has adhd but she’s not medicated ‘cos her parents suck n young girls r always severely under diagnosed ‘cos doctors also suck

she’s allergic to cats, pumpkins, and penicillin

loves cats

she does her own stick n’ pokes, n will do ur stick n’ pokes if u ask. Loves doin ‘em, but she can’t draw for shit LMAO

however ! she does play three instruments:

piano, violin, n bass guitar

hates piano w/ a burning passion ‘cos she was p much forced to learn. thinks violin is lit as fuck. bass guitar? her fav thing ever. did it as an act of rebellion.

also, even tho she’s just....a whole ass dumbass, she knows like...four languages

yes including english

anyways she knows uUUuUH french, spanish, n latin (for funsies)

is also learning mandarin, german, n irish gaelic (for funsies)

is a big language slut, essentially

and a uh...slut in general

like she just rly loves everybody

she’s SUPER friendly, super confident, like...the best gal to know, ‘cos she’s got sm energy n if u don’t talk a lot ? that’s fine ! she’ll talk for u ! even if u don’t ask her to !

but yes she’s not like EASY but she’s easy

she’s had a few short-term relationships and even fewer long-term relationships

and she doesn’t ! have commitment issues !

doesn’t like getting hurt but also ! she will fall in love w/ anybody !

(i’m kidding every time i’ve ever played her in all my years she’s always, always attracted to like...grumpy tough ppl. that’s her type. do u sell drugs? she loves u. do u get into pointless fights and have constantly bruised knuckles? she loves u. did u sell ur soul to the devil? oh, she rly does love u.)

actually thinks rly low of herself but would NEVER let ANYBODY know that ‘cos god forbid

just keep smilin’ :)

probably uses finger guns

skateboards into EVERYTHING she’s fucking CLUMSY and stupid

will wear gucci on top of her thrift finds (stop going to goodwill if ur nearly a billionaire u dumbass)

that being said she’s not always........aware? she’s not shallow but she’s kind of just...she’ll throw her money at u if u can’t afford smth, and like...doesn’t know how taxes work? and also...doesn’t know how poor ppl go on living?

like she’s highly dependent on her money

she has three fucking cars ‘cos she just thought they were PRETTY

one’s a pick up truck w/ LED lights, one’s the literal car from the princess diaries, and the other’s just a real fast sports car

totally does illegal street racing but ? only sometimes ? mostly for funsies rly doesn’t care abt money at all LMAO

she’s...not very independent

she’s got an addictive personality, y’see?

does MANY drugs, like mdma (ecstasy? molly?), coke, shrooms, acid, the marijuanas. i think that’s it.

a lil bit of a cokehead but only at parties okay uwu

idk how but she always manages to be laidback and yet also super energized at the same time. she just truly, does not give a single shit

also i said she was dumb earlier and like...TRUE

excels at english, history, etc. etc.

but as soon as math or science is involved? fart noise

bad shit

hate it

she can’t focus on shit she doesn’t like so like...that doesn’t help

in other news, she can be best described as a DRUNK TINKERBELL

as she was originally a pixie. it’s suiting

she’s ... almost ethereal

will tease u. will act like she’s known u for years. this is normal for saige.

she’s just rly BUBBLY and FUN okay ! pls love her

like pretty please

she’s my best muse by far and i’ve been rping since 2010

OH okay so like fun fact: her mother still sends her pieces that she hasn’t released yet so saige’s closet is filled w/ clothes she will nvr wear ‘cos she refuses to in order to Spite her Mother

also will GIVE these EXCLUSIVE UNreleased articles of clothing to her FRIENDS as GIFTS as a big FUCK U to the MAN (mom)

she’s just a dumbass

wanted connections

ok so gimme a blackmailer who knows abt saige’s like...issues, n instead of tryn to help her they use it to their advantage to get whatever they want from her :^)

also a TUTOR ‘cos she’s stupid in math n science

party pals like do i even have to explain

childhood friend(s) or like...acquaintances ?? she’s traveled for so long

da PLUG gimme her DEALER

ex boyfriend(s) - she loves ppl, sometimes too much. were they in love? maybe not. did she get bored? did he? who knows?

i mean same applies to girlfriends

just ?? a dude who has completely caught her attention. saige finds him SO INTERESTING for some fucking reason. reminds her of travelling, reminds her of her years of exploring. reminds her of a lotta things, rly. he might b a good person. or ! he might not !

random hookups - past ? present ? fwbs ? one night stands ? i’ll take them all !

best friend - y’know. her ride or die. celeste. i mean there can b another, but celeste. try n compete w/ celeste.

other close friends!

fake friends!

frenemies!

(also am a big slut for the on-and-off relationships where theyre both horrible for each other n it’s not.. Good , but they can’t stop ! they won’t stop ! it’s not abusive but it’s toxic just ‘cos they’re both fucking enablers smh breaking up n getting back together all the time)

bad influence ? good influence ?

roommates ??

[poppyknitt]

You Sure It’s Not A Dog?- A JSE Egos Fanfic

Recap: Schneep has inadvertently adopted a small horseshoe bat (which is a kind of fruit bat), as a result of it smashing through his window and breaking one of its wings, rendering it entirely useless. Chase seemed to be extremely fascinated by the little creature, and upon discovering that he (the bat) had no name, despite having been around for ages, opted to call him “Nectar”, for his and the rest of his species’ love of nectar. Oh, also, Jackie has a Peregrine Falcon for a sidekick, and Marvin accidentally created two sentient, carnivorous plants, one free-roaming and snake-like in build but cat-like in nature (named “thorn”), and the other (named “chomp”) too large and mouthy to be allowed anything other than confinement to a pot.

Previous fic

Next fic

[April 11th, 2017, our time]

Henrik hurried to the vet’s, his bat friend on his shoulder, as he cradled a cat meowing in pain, with slightly bloody bandages poorly wrapped around its head. He had found it stumbling clumsily around an alleyway, blood slowly oozing from where its eyes should’ve been, clearly having just lost them in a fight a few hours beforehand. The poor thing was obviously getting a bit lightheaded, and the fuzz around its eyes was stained with half-dried, old, and new blood, presumably each from when it had its head in different positions during a rest.

As soon as he stepped through the door to the clinic, the clerk was calling for one of the veterinarians, and several of the other medical staff worked the cat out of his arms and started asking questions.

“How did this happen?!”

“I am afraid I do not know. I found him stumbling out of an alleyway with his eyes like this, so I dropped everything, wrapped them up, and took him here straight away.”

By this point, Dr. Lewis was quickly rushing the cat to a room he could not see.

“Do you know how much blood he’s lost?!” The nurse continued to ask questions, clearly worried.

“Enough to make him dizzy, but in terms of cat, I am unaware of how much that actually is. They are not as big as humans, so it could be anything from eight of a liter to a full liter, and I would not know.”

“He may have to stay here for a night or so. Is that alright?”

“Yes, is fine! Just get the poor thing’s eyes fixed or something, I do not care how long it will take.”

“Okay. Thank you for bringing him so soon, and for being so patient. We’ll update you on his condition as soon as we know he is stable enough to be left for a few minutes.”

“Is no problem. Is alright if I wait in clinic until then?”

“Yes. Yes, it’s fine.” The nurse smiled thankfully at him, and quickly went to assist in the care of the poor ball of fluff he’d just brought in.

Schneep walked over to a chair that was placed by the wall, and slumped down into it, running a hand through his hair. He was very well aware of several people who were either looking around with wide eyes, or staring either at him or in the direction the nurses ran with the highly bloodied cat.

After about thirty minutes had gone by, he felt his phone buzz. It was Jackie, whom was worried, because he was over 45 minutes late, which almost never happened. He sighed, and opened up his messenger app, responding fairly quickly to his brother.

I am fine. Ran into severely wounded animal. Is no big deal. Will be home before tomorrow morning, hopefully.

The response was just as worried as he’d thought it would be.

What? Wounded animal?! Where?! Did you go straight to the vet’s office or something?!

He rolled his eyes, laughing softly in amusement at his brother’s immediate change of focus.

Yes. Cat was bleeding from the eyes, and acting like it had just finished its fifth bottle of vodka. Had no time to waste.

Jackie’s worry could almost be heard through the messages, even as the subject changed,

Well, uh, in other news... We’ve, uh, got a new ego. ‘S name is Chase. He’s a vlogger, I think. Uh, mind if I share your number with him?

He tsked in amusement as he responded.

No. Does not matter to me. He will get it some way or another, so is probably best he gets it now.

Jackie thanked him, and his phone went quiet for a few minutes. Then, a text from an unknown number buzzed in.

Hey bro! I assume you’re the doctor guy?

He took a moment, not sure how to respond to it.

Yes. You are Chase, correct?

You betcha! So... What’s the story with the cat?

Very long. Not ended yet. Will elaborate more when we meet face-to-face.

That’s understandable. You do you, my man.

He laughed softly, having a feeling he would get along well with the newcomer.

~~~

“He will live, however, I’m afraid he will not survive if left to wander the streets once his wounds heal.” The nurse from earlier explained. The tom cat was being left in a well-kept cage for the night, where he would be carefully monitored. He was sleeping in a well-padded, presumably very comfortable bed, kept inside a one-level cat tree, had an automatic feeder next to it, and on the other side of the cage, a fresh, unused litter box, situated a couple inches away from his food and water bowls.

“Are you sure you will be able to watch him all night? Surely you finish closing the clinic up and go home about an hour after new customers are not allowed in?”

“Well, yeah, but we can have a few doctors stay behind and work overtime to keep an eye on him. They’ll just get more pay at the end of the week...”

Henrik laughed a little as he spoke, “Ah, nonsense. There is no need to do that; I can just take the little one home. I work late hours at home, anyways, so caring for him would provide me an excuse to take a break every now and then.”

“Well, I’ll have to check with the doctor on that. I have no doubts that he would be fine with it, but you know how things go in the workplace.”

“Yes, yes, that is fine. I do not care if I have to wait a little longer. Is not a big deal anyhow.”

“Oh, well, thank you, again, for your patience. I’ll be with you shortly.” She smiled, and quickly hurried off. One of the other regular clients, an older woman, was smirking at him.

“Ah, do not give me that, ma’am. Our relationship is strictly professional.” She made a small laugh-like noise at that, and looked away, still smiling.

~~~~

[The next day]

Chase watched the ball of fluff that the doctor dude had brought home the night before, unsure of how to approach this tiny beast. From what he understood about cats, they were very different from dogs, in almost every way. What was more, though, was that he only had past experience dealing with dogs, so he had no idea how to approach a cat, let alone one that was recently blinded, and had its head almost entirely covered in bandages.

“Here, kitty kitty kitty... It’s okay. I just wanna pet you, alright..?” He whispered, internally thanking the cat gods when it looked at him. He slowly approached the large-looking beast that laid on the table top, a bit afraid that it might lash out at him.

“Mrrwah?” It meowed, tilting its head in curiosity, like a dog would. He paused, wondering if he’d heard it meow before. Probably not.

He slowly extended a hand out to it, making sure it could sense his presence. As soon as his hand got near its head, however, it lightly head butted him, and started purring. He smiled, happy to see that it was friendlier than what most people would want you to believe a cat could be.

“You don’t have a collar, do ya, kitty? I’m assuming that means you’re not someone’s pet already?” He asked softly, sitting down in a nearby chair.

“Prrrmrrwah.” It seemed to smile.

“I’ll take that as a no.” He grinned, “You need a name if I’m gonna call ya something other than ‘kitty’, though.”

“Mrrrwarowh.”

He laughed, “... Right... Why don’t we just leave the naming to the humans, then?”

“Awuroh.”

He started petting it, and, much to his delight, found that its luxurious, long coat was actually much softer than it looked. It was still purring, as it laid its head down onto its paws, and attempted to find a good resting position that wasn’t too uncomfortable or painful. He offered his free hand as a sort of pillow or something, and it gladly accepted it, promptly resting its head up against his hand.

“... I’m gonna call you Rogers.”

“Prrrrrrrmrrwah...”

~~

Jackie watched Chase happily interacting with the new foster, a soft smile on his face. He figured that if this one ended up in the same position as Henrik’s bat, Chase would probably be the best fit for him, which was good to know. He had a feeling that Chase would probably be quite a bit upset if he found out that the cat was going to have to leave after having spent so long with them.

~~~~

[June 17th, 2017, our time]

“No, no, is fine! I understand completely. Blind cats are not for everyone. Thank you for calling anyways. Have a great day, Sir.” Henrik finished up another phone call. They had gone through everyone who had shown an interest in adopting an animal from them, at least, after the animal’s injuries were as healed as they could get. No one wanted Rogers, and everyone seemed to have different reasons, that ranged from “Oh, I just don’t like cats”, to “Nope, too fluffy”, and/or “I don’t think I can care for a blind animal”.

Chase sighed, holding the sweet, fluffy boy in his lap, petting him softly. He didn’t want Rogers to leave, but at the same time, he hated that nobody would take such a sweet, dog-like cat. Bingsepticeye, who was sitting in a nearby chair, side glanced at Jackie, and then opened his mouth to speak, “What if we let Chase keep him? They really seem to get along well.”

“... That... is a good idea. Chase, your thoughts?” Schneep looked at him.

His face lit up in excitement as he listened to the others, “Really?! W-We can keep ‘em?!”

Schneep laughed at his excited joy, “Yes, if you really wish for him to stay.”

“Prrahwrah!” Rogers meowed, sitting up and lightly bopping his head against Chase’s chin.

“Well, I think he’s already made up his mind.” Chase laughed, and Rogers started purring very loudly.

Jackie grinned, “That settles it then! Rogers stays with us.”

——————————————————

WorldView Prologue: Part Three

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Well, now, here we have Rogers, the cat with the personality of a dog, who lost his sight in a fight with another clawed animal, presumably a cat. I think he’s my favorite of the pets so far, just because he manages to somehow be really adorable, even with the unsightly scars over his eyes and eyelids. Plus, of the more developed pets, he’s the purest, happiest bean. I just fuckin adore the lil’ guy. Oh, yeah, also I’m doing one or more fics more than usual today, bcause, 1, I’ve been working on this one for several days now, and 2, again, as i said in the most recent chapter of World Initiative, I’m lowkey kinda having a few emotional dissociation/disconnection problems today, and currently writing is the only cure. ... Benefits... of mental issues..? I guess?

@antis-loyal-puppet

@tiny-septic-puppet

@chaoticcrimsonrose

@septic-dr-schneep

@rorald-spooks

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #168

“i’ve wished for this, i’ve bitched at that, i’ve left behind this little fact: you cannot kill what you did not create.”

Which internet browser do you use? Chrome. Have you ever lived on a university campus? Nope. When was the last time you saw a photo of your ex? *The* ex, when I was going through old photos on my Mom's FB looking for something. Do you play any games on your phone? DragonVale and Pokemon GO. Have you ever shaved your face? Only above my lip every now and then to avoid that dreaded lady-stache. :') What color is your front door? White. What was the last vaccination you got? Couldn't tell ya. When was the last time you were at a party? A year ago. Did you ever get called horrible names like whore, skank, or bitch? The only two I can think of are bitch and martyr. Who’s your favorite rapper? And your favorite song by this favorite rapper? Eminem, "Love The Way You Lie" or "Space Bound." How about your favorite band? And your favorite song by this band? Gah you know the story, I'll just do Ozzy for this one. Hard to say. "See You On The Other Side" probably wins, but "Mama I'm Comin' Home" is on its heels. Has anyone ever made a promise to you that they’d change? Who? Juan, probably. What’s your television addiction? I don't watch TV of my own volition, but I'd be happy to watch The Good Doctor. Have you ever had any painful dental work done? If so, what? Nothing worse than just getting braces tightened. Is there anyone you’d like to apologize to? Dad again to his face about how wicked I was to him and am so thankful he forgave me. I just haven't because I want that in the past and I'd probably break down anyway. What was the last song you listened to that made you cry? Idk. Could you go a month without talking to your best friend? That's my gf, no, I'd lose my mind. Can you make yourself sneeze? No. Is there something that you haven’t told anyone that you actually would like to tell someone? Meh... I think it's better I don't. How has your style changed since you were in high school? Not really. What was the last new drink you discovered that was delicious? Dunno. What’s the most Lisa Frank-worthy article of clothing you own? Nothing, really. What color is the rim around your full-length mirror? Black. What is your favorite way your hair has ever looked? How it is now. What are five things you are good at? Interacting with animals, being there for people, writing I'd like to think, being a great beast mastery hunter in WoW like 1v1 me bro, and uhhhh panicking over the most minute things. What are five things you are bad at? COMMUNICATING, initiating conversation, arguing w/o crying, understanding finances/economics, and math. Do you enjoy drawing at all? I do, but I rarely do it because I'm way too critical and get annoyed. And fixing mistakes cleanly can be hard. I want a drawing tablet one day hopefully in the near future, because I feel like I'd be more motivated to do it.  Quickly fix errors. What was the last thing you were frustrated with yourself about? Oh boy, idk. This is so common. Do you have unusual sleeping/waking hours? No. In your personal opinion, which hair color is the most beautiful? Probably blonde with some darker highlights I guess, if we're talking about natural colors. Actually, for girls, maybe red. How about eyes? Sapphire. Last sporting event you watched? Dance recital. Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents? No. Are you skilled when it comes to working in the kitchen? HA no. Do you listen to music while driving? It has to be quiet or I can't concentrate. What’s your favorite style of jeans? (Skinny, boot cut, flare, etc) Skinny. Are you deathly allergic to anything? No. Who was the last person you had sex with? Or are you a virgin? Jason. Are you Italian? No. Would you ever go vegan? There's no way I could survive. Where’s the nearest GameStop near you? Like... 10-15 minutes? Have you had an argument with anyone recently and if so, do you still have issues with that person? Sara, but only because I said something stupid. No, I have zero issues with her. Who was the last person that asked to hang out with you and what’s the story of how you met that person? Colleen, girl scouts. Is there something you generally always ask for help with? Cleaning the animals' cages. Don't have anything to put them in so I hold them while Mom cleans it. Unfair to her, I know, but I can't do both and Mom doesn't seem to mind, plus she wouldn't hold any of them. Do you own a pocketknife, or any other kind of multi-tool? No. What was the last thing you took a video of? Teddy being a goof. Have you ever been somewhere where you didn’t fluently speak the local language? No. What is your least favorite kind of weather? Hot and humid like fuck off. Describe the 'look’ you did the last time you wore makeup. Uhhh mildly winged liner, black eyeshadow, black lips. If you got pregnant the 1st time you had sex, how old would the kid be now? I don't remember when it was 'cuz I've said before I didn't really. Realize it was sex until literally this year when I looked back on it. But anyway, six-ish. Have you ever polished and waxed your car? N/A As a kid, did you have any friends with parents who yelled a lot? Don't think so. What’s the biggest risk you’ve ever taken? ODing. Have you ever lived in a small community where everyone knew each other? No. What are some of your least favorite foods? BEANS, mushrooms, asparagus, brussel sprouts, cherries, nuts, etc. etc. etc. I'm picky as hell. Do you give your pets gifts and treats for their birthday/adoption day? Only Teddy 'cuz I actually know his rip. Has anyone ever set you up on a blind date? If so, how did it go? No. Do you believe your ex cares about you? The only ex I feel /sincerely/ does is Girt. What is the strangest type of candy you have eaten? Idk. What would be your most ideal profession? Meerkat biologist. What kind of rides do you enjoy the most at amusement parks? Kinds that don't make me fear vomiting. What is a topic you definitely don’t want to talk about with anyone? Weight. Where do you carry the things you need with you when leaving the house? Pocketbook. What’s the last thing you made with your hands? Uhhhh a drawing? Have you ever been physically or mentally abused? How did it affect you? No. Do you consider yourself a vengeful person? If so, why’d you think that is? Not in the least. Do you own any accessories with your name or initial on them? I have a "B" necklace somewhere from someone, but. Never wear it. Are you nervous/anxious, for any reason at all? Nah. For once. What was the last compliment you received from the opposite sex? Dad said I looked great when I got in the car to go to the theater. Have you ever been to an orchard? No. :c What are your plans for Halloween? I've no clue. :/ Do you plan on carving a pumpkin this year? Yeah. What’s your favorite Halloween movie? Hocus Pocus. What’s your favorite kind of apple? Red. Do you like to roast marshmallows? Yeah. If you have a job, who’s your closest friend at work? N/A When was the last time you stayed in a hotel? Where was it? Shit, not since a dance competition at the beach years ago. Have you ever gotten your nails done? Like twice because I was invited. Who was the last family member of yours that died? Idk. Who was your favorite president? Not educated enough on this. The last type of sandwich you made or ate: I believe ham, cheese, and mustard. The last time the weather was just the way you like it: Been a long time. The last time you apologized and the last time you received one: I dunno. I say "sorry" like obsessively, but a serious apology, idk. To me, either Mom or Sara. Do you have a smartphone or a dumb phone, or no phone? Smartphone. Do you own any tapestries, and if so, what’s on it/them? No. Have you ever made a collage for your bedroom wall? No. What types of churches do you find really boring? All of them. On what day is your local grocery store the busiest? I would guess the weekend? What day do you usually go grocery shopping? I don't, Mom does. She doesn't have a regular day. What devotional do you read, if any? None. What is your favorite color for cars? Burnt orange. Have you ever tried writing with the opposite hand? How good/bad was it? Yeah, not good. Do you prefer dark, brown or white chocolate? Milk/brown. Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? No. Have you ever written a love letter to someone as a joke? That's fucking evil. No. How many true heart breaks have you had in your lifetime? One. Do you have any gay family members? Mom's cousin or something. Who was the last person to sleep over at your house? Sara. Would you ever get a boob job? I DON'T NEED ONE LIKE ONE OF THE THINGS I LOOK FORWARD TO MOST WITH LOSING WEIGHT IS NOT HAVING TRISHA PAYTAS TITS. Did your last relationship end because of you or the other person? Me. Have you ever tried to break up anyone because YOU liked the guy/girl? No. What would you think if you found out your ex was gay? My very first "boyfriend" I think actually is. I'd be stunned if Juan, Girt, and especially Jason came out, although Jason would make me fucking cackle. Boy could I say some shit about that. Would you ever take someone back if you found out they cheated on you? Nah son. Have you ever lied to your boyfriend/girlfriend? I've never told a serious lie, but I'm sure I've told like minuscule ones ("I'm fine," etc.) every now and again. Would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn? Yup. Minority opinion, but. When was the last time you were on a city bus? Never. Do you have a garden? Does it have flowers, vegetables, or both? No. Have you ever burned an ant with a magnifying glass? No. Have you ever had an ant farm? Maybe? I had a lot of those little animal kit things as a kid, like frogs and butterflies. Have you ever had crabs, turtles, or lobsters? Hermit crabs. Briefly turtles. Has anyone ever told you you’re too young for something? No, I think? Maybe. What about for someone? No. How many times have you changed a diaper in your life? Literally once when it wasn't even dirty???? Why did I do that??????????? Has a younger person ever confided in you as an adult? Yeah. Have you ever felt responsible for someone’s death? No. Who knows your biggest secret and why did you tell them? No one. What’s your best memory with your ex? Aaron: group skating rink date. Juan: I'm not sure, probably making him play a Just Dance game with me lmao. Jason: That's like impossible to say with how long we were together. But a time that will always stand out for me is when we were playfighting, I came storming into the kitchen, big time slipped in the middle of "yelling," and he caught me and we laughed for like a full minute. Tyler: Nothing, really. Girt: He was reading a memento in Amnesia: A Machine For Pigs, and I'll say the writing is very unique, and he got to one sentence he read in THE most incredulous voice, and I spat my drink e v e r y w h e r e. I deadass laughed/cried for like ten minutes and still had outbursts afterwards. It was one of those "you had to be there" things. The last time you felt insulted/offended: Dunno. The last time you held a baby: Over a month ago when I had to hold Keegan for whatever reason. The last form you filled out: Something for my new doctor. The last video game you played: So here's a super weird fact about me; as a kid, I loved hunting games, all the while even then hating hunting for sport irl. Not a clue clue why. I recently got more "back" into gaming and I'm working on beating Dangerous Hunts again. What is your favorite type of cat? Persians. What religion were you raised in? Are you still that religion, if you had one? Roman Catholicism, and no. What religion/spiritual path intrigues you the most, if any? Wiccan and Buddhism. What heritage does your last name imply? Scottish. Recently, what artists/bands have you been listening to a lot? Powerwolf, Mother Mother. Do you know any HTML coding? No. Has anyone ever called you rich? HA as if. What makes you feel beautiful? lol How many bathrooms are in your house? One. Last time you were on a plane and where did you go? March, Illinois. Hopping on one again tomorrow!! Are you considered a very sensitive person? Probably by those who know me well. I know I am. Have you ever told someone you never wanted to speak to them again? Dad, yeah. What is the worst name anyone has ever called you? Being called a martyr still hurts, and that was like two years ago. When was the last time you cried out loud in front of someone? Mom around a week ago or something. Have you ever been questioned by the police? No. Have you ever had to be put on medicine for a mental disorder? Yeah. What do you normally drink when eating at a restaurant? Mtn. Dew if Pepsi products, otherwise Coke. Have you ever been in a car accident? One. Are you currently in a happy relationship? YEAH!!!! Do you normally have nightmares or good dreams? Neither. Just weird. What if a friend asked you to go with her to get an abortion? OH WOW I AM *NOT* THE PERSON TO ASK. I really don't know. I've made my opinion on the subject pretty clear, and if the abortion wasn't for your own mental and/or physical health and rather you just not wanting to face the consequences of your actions, idk if I could go. Have you ever had a deep conversation with someone who was high on anything? No. Are you experiencing problems within a current friendship? No. Ever made yourself throw up? No, I fear vomiting too much to ever. Who of the opposite sex has seen you at your worst? Jason. When at a fast food place, do you usually order a small, medium, or large drink? Medium. Do you dip your pretzels in anything? No. When was the last time you started a new medication? Recently for knee pain. What is your favorite type of nut? None. Where did you eat the best pizza you’ve ever eaten in your life? Literally Domino's lmao. Do you know what year your parents married? No. Do you know anyone who was adopted? Yeah. Do you prefer loose leaf tea or teabags? You know my opinion on tea. What is your favorite place to get Chinese food? I dunno the name of the place Mom goes. Do you part your hair to the side? It's parted far to the left. Is winter your least favorite season? No, it's my second-favorite! Do you know someone who’s a stripper? No. Are you sitting in a spinning chair? No, I'm in bed. When’s the next time you’ll go to a haunted house? I've never been to a "real" one but would LOVE to. How old is too old to trick-or-treat? I really don't care. Honestly believe there's no magic age where it's no longer okay. I still would if not for societal expectations. Have you ever caught a firefly? Yes. Do you own any camouflage? No. What's the next really important thing you have to do? Get to my flight on time. Are you looking forward to anything? T O M O R R O W  A P P R O A C H E S How late is too late for coffee for you? I don't drink coffee. Have you ever written or considered writing a play? No. How about a novel? If so, could you give us the synopsis of the plot? Yeah, as a kid. It was about a family of meerkats of different "breeds" (dragon, fire, ice, etc.) plagued by their king's brother as well as the prince finding love. That's all I remember of it. Who is considered the "black sheep" of your family? Why? Lol me. I'm just pretty different from like everyone with "problematic" traits. What's a color you hate? Puke green. What's an odor you hate? Old garbage. What's a sound you hate? Babies screaming omfg. What's something you'd never ever dare to ask another person? Hmmm. Probably if they've ever been raped or molested. What's something you've always wanted to ask someone but haven't dared? OKAY. So I coulda sworn one of my best high school friends was pregnant in middle school, before I talked to her at all. Then I believe I saw her with her baby once when we were in the gym for something. When we became friends, she never spoke of having a child and most certainly didn't look a bit like she'd had a baby. I never wanted to ask because you know the stigma of teen pregnancy. What is a song you cannot stand? Any country song where the singer has that godawful southern-as-hell twang. What's the worst/best thing you've done without your parents knowing? *shrugs* If you wear earrings, what does your favorite pair look like? Idk, I haven't looked at my earrings in a long time. Have you ever won any money from a scratch card? Like a dollar or so on the rare occasion my parents bought one. How about a slot machine? No. Do you like playing bingo? Sure. What's been the best thing you've found at a flea market? I love this little dragon figure I have. Oh, and my shipwreck lamp! Do you ever glance at people's butts? I'm a sucker for ass tbh okay. Like I'm not a dick that's gonna stare, but I'm guilty of glances, sure. What's something that catches your eye about other people? Their style. What's a random funny scene from a movie that has stuck with you? The first thing that came to my mind is from the Scooby movie where the girl introduces herself as Mary Jane and Shaggy goes, "That's, like, my favorite name" lmao. Oh, the things you miss as a kid. Are you one of those people who will not use a public washroom? I avoid it as much as possible. Have your parents ever disapproved of the person you're dating? No. What kind of things do you collect? Right now, just meerkat and Silent Hill stuff. YouTuber merch will happen when I can afford to buy it myself ha ha. Do you have a thing for body hair? No opinion. Not too into heavy back or chest hair, but still, don't really care. Is there anyone into you that you have no interest in? No clue if Girt still likes me, but if so, I don't reciprocate the feeling romantically. What's the longest you've slept for? Like 11 hours, maybe? Do your parents have a bad relationship with anyone? Not especially other than between each other. Were you raised by someone other than your parents? No. Do you prefer the color pink or blue? Pink. What's the last chore you did? Vacuumed. Have you ever had pet mice? Rats. What is your godmother's name? I don't think I have one. What's the last party you went to? A year ago at Summer's. Have you ever been to a jungle? No. What is your favorite jungle animal? Tigers! When did you first find yourself attracted to someone? I dunno. Elementary school. If you met a genie, what would you wish for? Financial stability, world peace, cure for Alzheimer's/dementia. Have you ever ran away from home? For like two hours or less. Is your father injured? No. He has a bad back, but. Would you be willing to die protecting your country? Like in the military or something? No. Have you ever dated someone from a different country? For less than a day. Are you part Native American? Not that I know of. What are your pets' names? Teddy, Bentley, Roman, Venus, Kaiju, and Mitsu. Do you like to go hunting? NONONONONONO. I'd have a hard time doing it even for survival. Have you ever worked two jobs? No. Who is the oldest sibling in your family? Katie. What are some of your happy thoughts? Being with Sara, imagining a positive future, remembering all I've endured and conquered, etc. etc. What's your favorite pattern for clothes? Plaid, I suppose? Do you ever wear fur? No. Who is the worst boss you've ever had? Why? N/A What are the names of the all the dogs you've ever owned? Trigger, Angel, Teddy, Dale, Delilah, Harley, Cali, and Bentley, I think. Where did you meet your current or last significant other? YouTube. When did you last ride a bike? Years ago. What did you last ask your parents permission for? Uhhh. I dunno. Oh, actually, I was thinking of spending a day with Dad, and I wanted to know if it would bother Mom. She said no, but I don't believe her. I didn't do it, though. Why were you in a waiting room the last time? Psychiatrist appointment yesterday. What's your lawyer's name? I don't have one. Do you own a lot of scarves? Do I even own any??? Would you ever get a face tattoo? No. What kind of car did you take your drivers test in? Haven't taken it. How much was the rent/mortgage at the cheapest place you’ve ever lived? I wouldn't know, I don't pay it. Who in life have you felt the strongest need to protect? Holy shit, Sara. What is the cruelest thing a person has ever said to you? Who even knows. What crime from history fascinates you most? No clue. Who do you think was the worst criminal in history? Maybe Saddam Hussein. Who has the weakest set of values in your family? Idk. What is the most disturbing sound you know of? Bones cracking. What's the shortest amount of time between orgasms you've ever experienced? N/A Which laws would you most like to change? Off the top of my head, we. Need. More. Gun. Fucking. Control. I'm not for a ban of firearms, but jfc, it's too easy to purchase a goddamn killing machine. What the oldest you'd like to live? 80, maybe? After that I can just imagine poor health that would really suck. Which sibling is or was favored most by your parents? I actually think it's me, tbh. Mom and I have an incredibly strong bond and have serious history, and Dad's and mine is very deep and definitely as a kid was the storybook father/daughter relationship, and now that we're reunited, I think we both cherish each other more. What's the biggest surprise you've ever had in bed? Waking up in the middle of the night to Jason groping my boobs. Who is the person you most wanted to have an affair with but didn't? I've never wanted that. Who have you most feared in your life? Dad. What would make you go insane the fastest? Losing Sara for the same reason as Jason. What was the quickest friendship you ever made? I'm not sure. What is your strongest reason for your opinion on abortion? I guess you have the right to be selfish if you're put at risk. You come first. What would you most like to hear from your father? He's proud of how far I've come. What one natural thing would you most like to see? Maybe a volcano erupt from a safe distance. What has been the single most important influence on your life? The breakup. What is the most worthy cause on earth? Seeing all life as equal and actually acting on that. Caring for one another. What would you most easily be driven to kill for? Sara's safety.

[your-dietician]

From Depressed to Living a Happy Life: Ciera's Story

New Post has been published on https://depression-md.com/from-depressed-to-living-a-happy-life-cieras-story/

From Depressed to Living a Happy Life: Ciera's Story

Comments: 0 | June 13th, 2019

Dr. Hotze and his special guest, Ciera Kizerian, discuss her journey from depression to living a happy life again. After her first child was born, Ciera experienced severe depression and intense self-loathing. Thanks to the staff at Hotze Health & Wellness Center, Ciera is now living a healthy, vibrant, productive life with her husband and 3 children, while helping others through her podcast called Light Through the Dark.

Podcast Transcription:

Stacey: Welcome to Dr. Hotze’s Wellness Revolution. I’m Stacey Bandfield here with Dr. Steven Hotze, founder of the Hotze Health & Wellness Center. As always, you can find our podcasts on hotzehwc.com. That’s H-O-T-Z-E-H-W-C.com.

Stacey: We have a really great inspirational story for you today. One of our guests, Ciera, is going to be talking about how she was pretty much at the very bottom and how she climbed her way back up to the top, and how she is helping other people find their way, as well. Here is Dr. Hotze and Ciera.

Dr. Hotze: Thank you, Stacey, and thank each one of you for joining us today on Dr. Hotze’s Wellness Revolution. You know, I believe that you and everybody needs a doctor and a staff of professionals who can coach you on the path of health and wellness naturally, so that you have a life-changing transforming health experience here at the Hotze Health & Wellness Center. That’s what we offer.

And the reason we do this is because we believe that as you age, you ought to be full of energy. You ought to have vitality in your life and be brimming with enthusiasm, no matter if you’re 30 or 70 or 80. You ought to have those qualities – energy, vitality, and enthusiasm. And so we do that here at the Hotze Health & Wellness Center. We help get you on that path. We coach you onto the path of health and wellness so you could have that life-changing experience, because my philosophy is this: I believe if you’re alive, you ought to feel alive, right? Why be part of the walking-wounded or half-dead? Enjoy life, be full of energy, and that’s what we help you do here at the Hotze Health & Wellness Center.

And I want to give you a great example of that. Most people think, “Well, you know, people don’t really start having problems until they get older and I don’t need to do anything about my problems. I’m young now. I’m 30 or 40 or 50, and I’ll wait until I have some problems.” An once of prevention is worth a pound of cure. That’s an old adage, thousands of years old. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

We have with us today a guest of ours who’s been a guest since 2017, Ciera Kizerian. Ciera is a, what, 27-year-old woman?

Ciera Kizerian: How old am I? I’m 28 now.

Dr. Hotze: 8, a young…

Ciera Kizerian: I shouldn’t…

Dr. Hotze: …woman. 28-years-old, came to see us when she was 26. So, Ciera, welcome to the program. Glad to have you…

Ciera Kizerian: Thank you.

Dr. Hotze: …on board here, dear.

Ciera Kizerian: Happy to be here.

Dr. Hotze: Glad to have you here. And you have such a wonderful and remarkable story. Why don’t you start and tell us where you’re from, where you grew up? Where are you from?

Ciera Kizerian: Yeah, I grew up in Dallas, Texas, and…

Dr. Hotze: That’s near Fort Worth, isn’t it?

Ciera Kizerian: Yeah.

Dr. Hotze: I like to tell Dallas people that.

Ciera Kizerian: Yeah.

Dr. Hotze: So you grew up in Dallas. And how did you end up down here in Houston?

Ciera Kizerian: My husband’s work brought us down here a couple of years ago.

Dr. Hotze: Okay. Now did you go off to school? You go to college?

Ciera Kizerian: I did, yeah. My husband and I met at Brigham Young University.

Dr. Hotze: Oh, that’s wonderful.

Ciera Kizerian: Yeah!

Dr. Hotze: I just came back, yesterday, from Salt Lake City.

Ciera Kizerian: Oh, awesome.

Dr. Hotze: Isn’t that great?

Ciera Kizerian: It’s beautiful.

Dr. Hotze: And I went up to…we went and saw the Salt Lake Tabernacle, where the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sang.

Ciera Kizerian: Yes. They are so talented.

Dr. Hotze: Yeah, and that was built in 1868, and it is…man, the acoustics in there are just…

Ciera Kizerian: Incredible.

Dr. Hotze: …phenomenal. And of course, the temple was across the street, and it was wonderful. It was a wonderful time, and Utah’s a…

Ciera Kizerian: Oh…

Dr. Hotze: …beautiful, beautiful state, and all around Salt Lake City, the mountains that are still covered with snow…

Ciera Kizerian: Oh…

Dr. Hotze: It was wonderful.

Ciera Kizerian: Yeah, I love…

Dr. Hotze: And the flowers?

Ciera Kizerian: …Utah.

Dr. Hotze: Oh my goodness. Just incredible. So anyway, you went to Brigham Young, and then what kind of work is your husband in?

Ciera Kizerian: He is an entrepreneur. We call ourselves “serial entrepreneurs.”

Dr. Hotze: Well, what is he doing right now? What kind of work is he doing?

Ciera Kizerian: So we both, actually, are working on a project called “Light Through the Dark,” and it’s to help people that are dealing with anxiety and depression know how to come out of it and get the resources they need to get better. And then also it helps those who are the support system for those struggling to know what to do to help the person, and have it not be damaging, but to be helpful. So we’re building…I don’t know what you’d call it, an effort, right now, to try to help people dealing with that.

Dr. Hotze: That’s wonderful. And this, really, is an outshoot of what happened to you, in your life, and your coming through Hotze Health & Wellness Center. So tell us, you have three children now, right?

Ciera Kizerian: As of one month ago, I have three children, yes.

Dr. Hotze: That’s great. So tell us what your health experience was like growing up. Did you have health problems?

Ciera Kizerian: No. I mean, not any mental health problems at all. I had asthma growing up, but other than that, mentally, I’ve always been described as someone that was optimistic and happy, a go-getter. I definitely ran at a hundred-plus speed every day, and would…

Dr. Hotze: You were a live wire.

Ciera Kizerian: …be myself, yes. Live wire, exactly.

Dr. Hotze: And so when did that change?

Ciera Kizerian: So after my daughter was born in 2014, about six weeks later, I noticed that I just started feeling this oppressive heaviness. I had a really good relationship with my husband, but he said to me, “I literally can’t do anything right around you right now.” And I was like…

Dr. Hotze: Any guy ever felt that way before, huh?

Ciera Kizerian: And that keyed me in of, “Oh, you’re right, something’s off right now.” I was getting really irritable, I was starting to have a lot of brain fog. I just didn’t feel myself. And then I started having all these crazy symptoms and realized that I was developing depression really bad. And this wasn’t something I’d ever experienced beforehand. Again, these…

Dr. Hotze: And then you were how old? It was five years ago, so…

Ciera Kizerian: 24. I was 24.

Dr. Hotze: 24, okay.

Ciera Kizerian: Yeah, and…

Dr. Hotze: So what did you do about it?

Ciera Kizerian: So I went and talked to my OB at six weeks, and they put me on some antidepressants, and they said, “Oh, but it’ll take a while for it to kick in.” So that was a really hard winter. Everything was just so new to me, all these emotions, all these feelings that I never experienced before. And it was just a really, really dark and hard place for me.

It took a while for the medicine to kick in, and then I felt kind of felt up, not totally like I had before, but well enough where I was able to function. And then, a year later, it just flipped a switch, and, when I started my cycle again for the first time after having my daughter, and I hit a low that I didn’t know was possible.

And that’s when I first experienced suicidal ideation, and where I started just feeling like everyone would be better off without me. And really had intense self-loathing, which I had never, ever, ever experienced. And I couldn’t interact with anyone. If I went out, if I went to church, or wherever I was going, it was like I was watching the clock the entire time to be able to just leave, and escape, and go back to my closet where I could just get in that hole and just want to just be done with everything. It was not me at all. And it was very hard, and…

Dr. Hotze: And you were taking medication, antidepressant medication at that time, right?

Ciera Kizerian: Yup. And I saw a psychiatrist, and I got even more medication. They upped it to the highest amount that I could be on for the antidepressants. I got put on antipsychotic medication three times a day, anti-anxiety medication three times a day, and even with that, was still having these battles with…

Dr. Hotze: Does this sound familiar?

Ciera Kizerian: …fighting suicide.

Dr. Hotze: I have heard this story…if I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it thousands of times. Now, the conventional doctors take an individual like Ciera, and I’m sure they did blood work on you before they started this, and said, “Well, your blood work’s normal,” right?

Ciera Kizerian: Yeah.

Dr. Hotze: “Your blood work’s normal, so you must be depressed.” You are, and they put her on all these antidepressant medications, anti-anxiety medication, antipsychotic medication, and you didn’t get better, and they kept bumping it up.

Ciera Kizerian: Yeah.

Dr. Hotze: Frankly, I just think that’s criminal. And these ought to be banned, and these doctors should be reported to the medical board, and their license should be removed, because they destroy people’s lives. I feel really strongly about this. I’ve seen so many people like Ciera, and we’re not going to talk about what happened.

And this is so simple to resolve. I’ve written books about it. You know, all these psychiatrists ought to read my books, and figure out what to do to help women when they start coming in…and men, too, when they begin to have these sort of problems.

So you ended up having another baby. Were you on antidepressants at the time when you did?

Ciera Kizerian: No, so that’s my miracle baby. I was on all that medication starting in two thousand and…

Dr. Hotze: Fourteen.

Ciera Kizerian: Well, the antidepressants, but then when I saw…that was what the OB put me on.

Dr. Hotze: Right.

Ciera Kizerian: Then the psychiatrist on all the other stuff in…it was three years ago, so 2016. Like, May 2016. So then I came to the Hotze Health & Wellness Center in May 2017, and did the yeast-free diet, and was feeling really good, and started coming off of the…not everything, because I wanted to have another baby, but again, there’s no way I could’ve.

Dr. Hotze: Before you come…I’m looking right here. It’s your first appointment, and we have the reasons for the appointment: “anxiety, panic attacks, low moods. Wants to be able to get off the medication, have another baby, low energy, brain fog, lightheadedness, hoarseness, severe constipation.” These are some classical features that we see in people that have hypothyroidism. Were you having difficulty with weight, too?

Ciera Kizerian: t that point, I was so depressed I just wasn’t eating, really, at all. And so my mother-…

Dr. Hotze: You did…

Ciera Kizerian: …in-law came out just to see me, ’cause she said, “Ciera, you are getting way too thin, and we’re going to lose you.”

Dr. Hotze: But you had problems, then, with brain fog, with poor sleep, and…

Ciera Kizerian: Yeah, I mean, I never had my phone on me. My grandparents were calling my parents and saying, “Can you please tell Ciera to answer her phone? They were getting offended and upset with me, and it was causing family problems ’cause I could never find my phone. And I would leave my wallet and my purse just on the driveway, and I would walk into a room be like, “Why am I here?”

And I hear my grandma telling me that, “Oh, I’m just…I forget my purse everywhere.” I’m like, “Yeah, I’m right there with you, grandma.” Except we have a big age gap, and I shouldn’t be feeling like a grandma in my mid-twenties. Nuts, and…

Dr. Hotze: So you came into the Health & Wellness Center..  How did you find out about us, by the way?

Ciera Kizerian: A friend referred me, and told me. Actually, she told me about it in the fall, but I was just too bad to really help myself, and she then told my husband about six months later, and he’s the one that got the ball…

Dr. Hotze: Encouraged you to get here, right.

Ciera Kizerian: …and helped me come here, yeah.

Dr. Hotze: So when you came in, you saw Dr. Ellsworth, and he put you on the yeast-free eating program, and he put you on some thyroid medication. He also gave you some natural female hormones, progesterone, to help you with your menstrual cycles, because it was obvious that your problems were hormonal, because it happened after childbirth.

This is not uncommon at all. A woman will feel fine, have her first baby, and then all of a sudden they crash, and their hormones don’t kick back in right. Remember, during pregnancy, the hormones that a woman has in her body are made by the placenta, which belongs to the baby. And so, when the baby’s delivered, and the placenta follows, there’s a dramatic fall in the naturally-occurring hormones of pregnancy, and her ovaries have been shut off, and they have to turn back on.

And if they don’t turn back on right, and she doesn’t have adequate amount of female hormones, and they don’t balance out, she’s going to have a host of symptoms. I mean, there are all these symptoms that we talked about. The fatigue, low body temperature, can’t think clearly, poor sleep, constipation…Oftentimes women have problems with weight gain. She didn’t because she was so depressed she didn’t even want to eat, and if you don’t eat, you’re not going to gain weight, obviously. So what happens to these women, then they end up going to see your conventional doctor, like Ciera did, and what do they do? Immediately slap them on some SSRI antidepressant. That’s a…SSRI is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. It inhibits the uptake, in your brain, of a neurotransmitter called serotonin.

Well, guess what? And this was Lexapro you were on, but there are other SSRI antidepressants, like Prozac and Effexor and Paxil, just to name a few, Cymbalta and others. And these are all SSRI, or they’re reuptake inhibitors, with the idea that if we don’t let the body reuptake the serotonin in the brain, and it just floats around, you’re going to feel better, which is not the case.

The case, in your case, in fact, it made you worse, and they gave you more drugs. And you just got drugged up, and what it does is it flattens the entire affect. It takes away who you are so you don’t have any feelings anymore. You don’t feel sad, you don’t feel good, you don’t cry…

Ciera Kizerian: Apathetic.

Dr. Hotze: You’re apathetic about life.

Ciera Kizerian: Numbness, you feel this…

Dr. Hotze: Right.

Ciera Kizerian: …total numbness. Like, I would love to feel happy right now, I would love to just feel anything right now, but you just feel empty inside.

Dr. Hotze: The SSRI antidepressants are a knock off of cocaine. Cocaine is a reuptake inhibitor. It blocks the reuptake of serotonin and of dopamine. It’s a neurotransmitter reuptake inhibitor. If you look at the molecular structure of the SSRI antidepressants, they’re almost identical to cocaine. They’re highly addictive, it’s hard to get off of them, there are terrible withdrawal symptoms, and it’s a way, basically, that drug companies get people to be addicts and take the drugs the rest of their lives.

Nobody has depression because they have low levels of antidepressants or anti-anxiety medication in their body. Nobody. If you’re having problems with moods that are roller coaster moods, they’re up and down, or you’re depressed, or you’re having anxiety attacks or panic attacks, that’s not caused because you lacked some pharmaceutical drug. It is primarily going to be a result, and almost 90% of the cases, it’s going to be a result of hormone decline and imbalance, which can be easily corrected.

So I know that Dr. Ellsworth put you on some thyroid medication, right? He put you on some female hormones, natural progesterone, got you eating right, put you on some vitamins and minerals. And how long did it take you to begin to notice any difference?

Ciera Kizerian: Oh, I wanted to cry when I started feeling…it was, I think, within two weeks of taking those that I was feeling up and feeling myself. I was able to…I’m a photographer, and I was able to go on a trip by myself for a photo shoot in Greece. Just, like, in August of that year, which…

Dr. Hotze: And you came in when?

Ciera Kizerian: In May. So within…

Dr. Hotze: So within two or three months, you were…

Ciera Kizerian: I was able to…whereas before, I’m stuck in my closet, I can’t interact with anyone. Within a couple months, I’m getting on a place by myself, I’m flying across the ocean first time by myself. I’m exploring Greece. Like, wow, that’s a huge difference…

Dr. Hotze: Sure.

Ciera Kizerian: And I remember, when I was there in Greece, I was on this catamaran, and we’re snorkeling, and I was swimming, and I was in the ocean, and I remember just having the water flow through my hair, and I just thanked God that I could enjoy life again. It was a moment for me where I was like, “Wow, this is worth living. I don’t feel what I’ve felt for years of just wanting to be gone, because it was just too painful to be alive.”

Where, with depression, when you have really severe depression, you feel so low that death seems up, it seems like a welcomed option because of how horrible you feel. And for me to be there, and to just love that moment, and love how I felt, it was priceless.

Dr. Hotze: That’s wonderful.

Ciera Kizerian: Thanks.

Dr. Hotze: A wonderful story, all that.  So how long did it take you to get off the antidepressants?

Ciera Kizerian: So I am…I started trying to get off November of 2017, and it took me about three months. Dr. Ellsworth was really good at helping me get off of it, and helping me to understand the withdrawal symptoms, and that whole process. And helped me find this great book that he recommended, “The Antidepressant Solution.”

Dr. Hotze: …Solution.”

Ciera Kizerian: Wow, that book is…I’m like, “This is the bible for anyone that has been on antidepressants.”

Dr. Hotze: It’s by Dr. Glenmullen, “The…

Ciera Kizerian: Incredible.

Dr. Hotze: …Antidepressant Solution.”

Ciera Kizerian: Yeah, that really helped me a lot, to just know what I was coming up against, and what to expect, and how to come down, and I had to come down really slowly. But I had this goal of, “I want to have another baby.” I just, when we first got married, I was like, “We’re having six kids. Here we go.” But once this depression kicked in, it really changed a lot of things in our life of what reality would actually look like.

But I did still want to have one more. And so we came…about three months, the withdrawal reactions were miserable, like you said, and I was coming down so slowly. It was a really rough time for our family, trying to go through that, but then I was able to get off of it in, probably March, I was totally done with them, and it had been…

Dr. Hotze: March of ’18.

Ciera Kizerian: …some time. March, 2018.

Dr. Hotze: Right.

Ciera Kizerian: And then I got pregnant in July of 2018, which is like nothing short of a miracle. I had been looking into adoption and all these other things of how I could somehow still have this baby, knowing I might never be able to get off this medication. I might not ever be able to feel better, like way before, but then coming here and then learning about all this stuff, it made me feel like I could not only come off of it, but be able to be a good mom, which is not what I had felt beforehand, at all.

Dr. Hotze: Well, this is really, really remarkable. And wonderful. And first, I want to congratulate you for doing a 180 and taking charge of your health, and not just resigning yourself to being on drugs the rest of your life. And you can imagine what that would’ve done for your husband. I know you’re a woman of faith, and your husband is, too, and thank God, it’s to your husband’s credit that he stood by you.

Ciera Kizerian: Oh, he has said, and I have said, this could have resulted, for so many people, in divorces…

Dr. Hotze: In divorce. Oh, this happens all the time.

Ciera Kizerian: …or your kids having a lot of issues with you long-term. All these things, like…I’m so grateful that we had fought for me, because if we had just said, “This is just our new normal, this is just how things are going to be,” we never would have tried to get in that hustle and literally fight. And it was a fight every day, because you have to fight to eat the right way, you have to fight to make the changes that are needed.

And I talked to him, and now with the Light Through the Dark stuff, and talked to people now that are like, “Yeah, my kids don’t have a good relationship with me, and our family is estranged, because when they were younger I dealt with these things, and I never addressed it. And I thought that this was just my normal, and just accepted that this is my MO for life.”

Or they get divorces. I have another friend who, he’s like, “I didn’t realize I was dealing with depression and anxiety all these years.” And yet he would have these big blowups with his spouse, and she’s couldn’t…she was like, “I don’t want my kids in that environment.” Really, it was he needed more support and more help with his mental health to be able to not have these triggers set off the irritability, and the panic.

Dr. Hotze: And so this is…your new business venture is entitled what?

Ciera Kizerian: Light Through the Dark.

Dr. Hotze: Light Through the Dark. And so how can somebody look at the podcast that you’re doing, and the YouTube videos, how do they do that?

Ciera Kizerian: You can just look up “Light Through the Dark” on YouTube, or whatever. And the main goal of it is really…

Dr. Hotze: So type in YouTube, ‘light through the dark.’ And how about on podcasts, what do they do?

Ciera Kizerian: Yeah, same thing. It’s called Light Through the Dark.

Dr. Hotze: Light Through the Dark on a podcast, and you can hear Ciera, she talks about these various issues that people have with mental depression, and anxiety, and panic attacks, and these things that are affecting them…she helps individuals that are having those problems. And then she interviews other people that have had problems, and as a matter of fact, we’re going to do an interview…later today, I’m going to do a podcast for Ciera, and we’ll talk about these things. Well, Ciera, this is a wonderful story…

Ciera Kizerian: Thank you.

Dr. Hotze: Now let me ask you, on a scale of zero to ten, ten being “brimming with energy,” when you first came in, what was your energy level?

Ciera Kizerian: Oh! Zero? Like, I just…I had no energy.

Dr. Hotze: At 26 years old. No energy.

Ciera Kizerian: Yeah, no, I’d wake up and feel exhausted, and I would be so tired I needed to take a nap, but I knew that if I, for whatever reason, I’d wake up and just have gripping anxiety. So bad it felt like someone had chains and cords around me, and I would just be stuck in that anxiety for at least an hour, where I couldn’t get up, because it was so gripping and so bad. And couldn’t talk to anyone, couldn’t reach out and be like, “Help me get out of bed.” And then, it was just multiple naps during the day. Never feeling…

Dr. Hotze: So…

Ciera Kizerian: Yeah.

Dr. Hotze: How would you describe your energy level now, your overall moods, on a scale of zero to ten? Now you just had a baby, here, six weeks ago, didn’t you?

Ciera Kizerian: I just had a baby, and I mean, I need a nap a day, but sometimes…and that’s usually because I stayed up too late watching Netflix with my husband and then was up with the baby again in the night, but on the days when I’m not watching a show, it’s not anything outside of what I felt as a teenager. Or, actually, I feel like I feel better. I keep telling everyone, like, “Wow, I feel like I should be having a much harder time with having a newborn than I actually am,” but I actually do have a lot more energy right now than I did with everything before…even though I should not have as much, having a newborn.

Dr. Hotze: Right.

Ciera Kizerian: I don’t know if that’s making sense, but…

Dr. Hotze: And I know this is important, and I talked to you about it, and I asked you if you had started on progesterone, and you just started on it yesterday. This is six weeks after the birth. If I had of known about you having…that you’re pregnant, I would have made sure, like I did with my five daughters, the day after they had their baby, they were on progesterone. And none of our daughters, out of our five daughters and we have 23 grandkids, none of them even had the baby blues. They never had any depression.

But that’s because progesterone levels dropped dramatically. They’re very, very high at the end of pregnancy. The placenta makes huge amounts of progesterone, they’re many times what you would normally experience. And when the placenta’s delivered, there’s a precipitous drop in progesterone, and that’s what leads to the problems with depression.

Also, low thyroid can lead to the problem with depression, also. Thyroid can be adversely affected when the hormones fall, that puts you in a state of estrogen dominance, and that adversely affects the thyroid, so now that we have you on progesterone, you’re going to be feeling back, just on top of your game again.

Ciera Kizerian: Well, I’m really grateful that this pregnancy, I had the bioidentical hormone therapy, because as soon as I found out I was pregnant, that morning I called the nurses here, and they said, “Okay, well, let’s have you have this much progesterone, so we can protect the pregnancy.”

Dr. Hotze: Right.

Ciera Kizerian: And went through that until I was, like, 14 weeks pregnant. And that was really helpful for me, because I had had miscarriages before, and obviously had worked so hard to get pregnant…

Dr. Hotze: How many miscarriages had you had?

Ciera Kizerian: Sorry, I had had one before my daughter. And my mom had a history of miscarriages, and…

Dr. Hotze: Which is a classical feature of hypothyroidism. Infertility and miscarriages are classical features of low thyroid that doesn’t show up in your blood. It’s not how much thyroid you have in your blood, it’s how much thyroid you have in your cells, and that can only be diagnosed by a clinical history.

So I believe that everybody that has the clinical symptoms of hypothyroidism, no matter what their blood test shows, deserves a therapeutic trial of thyroid hormones to see how they do. And it usually does remarkable for them.

Well, Ciera, congratulations on your success, and I wish you every success as you work on Light Through the Dark, this effort to help individuals overcome their depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. Thank you for joining us, and…

Ciera Kizerian: Thank you.

Dr. Hotze: Thank each one of you for joining us today, on Dr. Hotze’s Wellness Revolution. You remember, this is what I believe. I believe that while liberals are getting high, conservatives should get healthy so we can make America great again. If you want to get yourself on a path to health and wellness, if you’ve experienced symptoms that Ciera has , if you’re a young woman, you don’t have to wait till you’re 50 to come in and suffer on antidepressants on 20 to 30 years in your life, you can get yourself on a path to health and wellness now, by taking charge of your life, doing a 180.

Dr. Hotze: Give us a call at Hotze Health & Wellness Center at  (281) 698-8698, and we’ll be glad to set up a complimentary consultation for you, and partner with you so that you can get you on a path to health and wellness and help you have a life-changing health transformation, so you have energy, you have vitality, and you have enthusiasm again for your life.

Thanks for joining us today. God bless you.

We Can Help

Can you relate to Ciera’s experience? Take our symptom checker to find out if your symtpoms could be caused by hormone decline and imbalance.

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[kawaiibobatea-blog]

Chapter 05: Despair and Surprises

Despair had never been a primary emotion; sadness yes, but never pure despair. A human was so complex and capable of so many emotions, it almost felt like a waste to have it all pegged to just one extreme emotion. Nevertheless, that’s all Ain could feel while both of her hands were wrapped around the limp one of her brother.

“Scott… sorry I haven’t been by recently. A lot of things have happened… I’ve… I’ve got so much to tell you.”

However, when her lips had parted to explain everything to him only a small whimper escaped along with a choke. Pretending not to see Dr. Carlisle out of the corner of the corner of her eyes practically breaking his neck to look at them in case something was wrong, she coughed hoping to sate the doctor’s curiosity and diminish his worry. The doctor’s attention thankfully turned back to his data pad, scrolling through the charts of the patients. She closed her eyes and took a couple deep breaths still occasionally feeling Dr. Carlisle’s eyes on her back.

It’s unbecoming of a Pathfinder to break down… Stay strong.

Making her flinch, Dr. Carlisle’s gruff voice came from behind her, “Ain, I have to go and check on some of the cryo pods that had some weird readings, you think that you could hold down the fort for me?”

“Yeah, of course. Are you forgetting how cool I am?” Halfway through her sentence, Ain heard her own voice crack and hoped that Dr. Carlisle hadn’t heard. “I am the Human Pathfinder after all.” Hopefully her feint would divert from the crack.

“You’re also just one person, Ain.” Thankfully, he didn’t continue further. Either sensing her emotional turmoil or believing her ruse, his footsteps retreated and the swish of the door opening and closing echoed against the walls of the almost completely unoccupied med bay.

Her grip on Scott’s hand tightened and she found herself putting her forehead against their hands. It had been days, maybe weeks—time was still a fickle thing in Andromeda--and he wasn’t awake. Only upon that realization did she grasp that her hands were shaking and that they were now soaked with a layer of tears. Realizing this burst the metaphorical dam holding everything back. With shaking shoulders, the tears continued to fall. Her eyes screwed shut almost like if they were tight enough, the tears would stop but to no avail. Pained sobs tore from her chest; quiet at first but all too quickly they turned into something that shook her whole body and turned into tormented screams, desperate for the release they had been deprived of. Breathing was almost impossible between her sobs causing her to feel lightheaded, yet they didn’t stop.

Scott… please wake up…

I’m so alone…

I can’t… I can’t say goodbye again…

I’m so afraid…

I’m so sorry, Scott…

None of her thoughts were making any sense, just bouncing around from one apology to another in and out of different emotions. She knew this and yet she just continued to cry. Part of her mind wondered how she didn’t have people coming in to check on her with the amount of literal screaming she was doing. Perhaps Harry had told the surrounding people that they needed to clear out because the Pathfinder needed time. If that’s what happened, she was thankful. If not, she was sure people would be talking about how incompetent she was as Pathfinder.

“Ryder, your vitals are increasing to unsafe levels.”

“I! Don’t! Care!” Ain exclaimed, enunciating every word. “Let it rise!”

“If you do that, they will continue to rise, and you may pass out or other health concerns may arise. I would advise you to calm down.”

”SAM, I-“ A sharp pain ripped through Ain’s chest painful enough to stop her grieving in its tracks and leave her more breathless than she had been while crying, her eyes wide and blinking while she gasped for air almost making choking sounds. Just as quickly as it had happened, it stopped leaving Ain holding onto her chest. “w-what was that?”

“Your vitals spiked to a dangerous level for a human, leaving you in your previous state.”

“…”

“I would advise against repeating this in the future. If continued, heart problems may arise. Keep in mind, the brain is only able to survive approximately six minutes without oxygen before it begins to die.”

“Such a cheery thought…” Ain said, finally getting some air back into her lungs and coughing her words.

Looking back at Scott, she saw that he looked just as peaceful as he did when she came in. Even though she had a mental and emotional breakdown it looked like she hadn’t even been here excluding the missing doctor. A small smile found its way to her lips although it was strained. He was here, he was alive… just asleep. She had to remember that. Just because he couldn’t talk to her didn’t mean that he wasn’t there. It made coping a little bit easier, but it didn’t calm her at all. With a shaky exhale, she grabbed Scott’s hand with both of her’s.

“Things are bad, Scott… but… we have little baby steps: we have an outpost on this planet called Eos and we’ve made acquaintances with a species here called the Angara. An Angaran male named Jaal is helping us try and stop the Kett; the enemies we’re facing… the ones that are trying to keep us from settling here in Andromeda. They want these vault things that are here, and I can interface with them with SAM’s help. They’re healing the planets when activated and… we honestly still have no idea what the Archon—their boss guy—wants with them.” Getting all of that off her chest made her feel a little bit better, but everything wasn’t wonderful in Andromeda even close to home.

“My crew… they’re… well difficult. Peebee she’s an Asari and very… eccentric. Yeah, we’ll go with that. She’s studying the Remnant—those beings that are surrounding the vaults—Cora, you met her, remember? She was the one next in line to be Pathfinder after Dad…? Well, she’s salty about that even though she pretends that she’s not.” She wished with all her heart that Scott would sit up and comment on her words, but alas nothing about him changed. Honestly, she wasn’t even sure if she could be heard. Dr. Carlisle had said that he could hear her, but that didn’t mean that she was sure that he could hear and understand her all the time. However, she had to keep that in her head that he could hear her it would be the only thing keeping her sane right now. “Kallo, a Salarian, was one of the people that built my ship—the Tempest—Suvi is part of the crew actually our resident science officer. She’s a Human. Gil works to make sure that all the internal stuff is working correctly. Lexi T’Perro is our Asari doctor. I’m pretty sure that she hates me since I’m always getting hurt and won’t stay in one spot when I am. She took over for Harry. Um… let’s see… Drack Nakmor, a Krogan who’s super old. For some reason he calls me ‘Buttercup’, and reminds me of a grandpa, but he gets aggravated when I call him Grandpa Drack.”

Even though it sounded like they were all one big happy family, she could hardly keep them all on the same chapter let alone the same page. It was literally the least cohesive team that she had ever seen or even heard of. I just want to punch the hell out of all of them… Jaal included! They were ridiculous when it came to interacting with each other and she was surprised with her short temper that she hadn’t thrown something at each of them among the stray various items that were on the Tempest. “Vetra Nyx… she’s awesome. A Turian and honestly the one I get along with the most other than Liam Kosta, a Human. You briefly met him the same time as Cora, but I’m not sure if you remember. He’s really um… nice and… well…” A blush came to her face and she cleared her throat. “I got shot—before you freak out—obviously I’m fine, but he hugged me and said that he was glad I was okay, but I’m pretty sure he kissed the top of my head. I know! I know! It sounds weird, but, it’s true… I think.”

I sound so fucking creepy oh my God… Please I hope that you didn’t hear that Scott.

Watching the slow rise and fall of his chest and his unwavering face, not even fluttering eyelids she felt tears build up in her eyes. Who was she kidding? There was no way that he was going to be able to hear her. He wasn’t even going to wake up… if he was going to, he would’ve already done it. Well, he was shaking off a 400-year sleep, but that didn’t mean anything. He would’ve woken up already, she felt it. Even thinking it made more tears fall.

“Scott… please wake up soon… I’m falling apart here man.” Ain joked, giving a small laugh through her tears. She went over and touched his head. “I’ll be back and visit again soon…”

If Ain was being truthful, she could’ve stayed with him day and night until he woke up. Unfortunately, life had dealt her a shit hand and it was just getting shittier. Granted, they had done some good, but even still it felt like they were taking one step forward and two steps back. They had gotten the Moshae back and had already been given permission to go into Aya’s vault, but the last thing that she wanted to do was push the Moshae when she was captured for so long, and especially if her immune system was as decimated as Jaal had said it was. It wasn’t enough though, things were still terrible here on the Nexus. Speaking of that, she had to meet up with Grandpa Drack in Kesh’s office. Sighing, she headed to the door and turned to look at her brother one more time before leaving.

Ain had walked to Kesh’s office on autopilot thinking about Scott, her mother, and her father. Even though she had the crew back on the Tempest, the more that she spent on the ship, the more alone that she felt. Maybe it was paranoia, but were they all gaining up on her? Especially during the meeting when they “welcomed” Jaal into the crew. Before she knew it, she had walked into Kesh’s office and a deep, gruff voice ripped her from her reverie.

“There you are. I was starting to wonder if you forgot how to… get… here…” Grandpa Drack trailed off when he looked at Ain. She had been hoping that all signs of her breakdown would’ve left before she got to Kesh’s office, but apparently luck wasn’t on her side once again. “Hey Buttercup, you alright?”

“Huh?” Ain looked at Kesh who was also intently staring at her and scanning over her face. She had to look terrible if she had not only one Krogan worrying about her, but two. “Oh, uh yeah, fine.” She coughed and sniffled. “Just allergies… you know, pollen?”

Wow… that excuse was pathetic. That was probably the stupidest excuse I could’ve come up with. Maybe I’m the one that needs to get decked.

“That pollen does get pretty bad this time of year.” Drack agreed and then looked at Kesh who nodded in agreement.

Kesh seemed like she was ready to start this meeting because she came from behind her desk to stand near them and looked around almost to make sure that she wasn’t going to have someone overhear her. From what Ain had heard, Kesh was the last person anyone wanted to fuck with on the Nexus having literally kicked someone out of a room with a Krogan foot up the ass. “I’m going to skip the pleasantries.” She announced, “Things are getting bad.”

“How bad is bad?” Drack asked.

“Are we talking about like someone murdering your whole family bad or pissed in your cheerios bad?” Ain asked and held out both of her hands like she was physically weighing the choices with them.

“The first one. Spender has—despite my best efforts to impede it—has gained favor with the Nexus leadership.”

“Yikes… sounds bad like he pissed in someone’s cheerios before murdering everyone.” Despite the situation, Ain heard a loud laugh coming from Drack. Even Kesh cracked a smile.

Maybe they’re just feeling bad for me…

“I believe there’s a way to stop this from getting even bigger. I have a strong belief that Spender is still speaking with the exiles. From my position, I don’t have the ability or the clearance to investigate further.”

“I do though.”

“Yes, you do. I suggest you speak with Kandros and obtain proof of his betrayal to show what kind of creature he really is.”

“You got it, Kesh.”

Drack had already left and she was almost to the door when Kesh’s voice stopped her, it was odd. She had never heard this tone before, it sounded worried and almost… small. “Pathfinder Ryder… no… Ain, I have a favor to ask you.”

This was the first time that Kesh had asked anything of her let alone called her on a first name basis. Perhaps Kesh took it as a sign of a growing friendship, Ain honestly hoped so. She could use all the moral and emotional support that anyone had to offer. They all had to be on each other’s side in this dire time.

“Name it.”

“My Grandfather… he tries to do everything by himself, but… he… he isn’t invincible despite what he thinks.”

“Yeah…”

“He’s old Ain… Very old. Most of him is synthetic, he’s had too many injuries to count. It’s almost like he has a death wish.” Kesh gave a small laugh and looked down almost like she was remembering something. “Look after him for me. Krogan always try to give off the vibe that we don’t need anyone but ourselves, but not all of us are like that. My Grandfather… he’s a good man.”

“He is.”

“Too good to die on the battlefield from these bastards.”

“Don’t worry Kesh, I’ll look after him. I’d do it even if you didn’t ask. He means a lot to me too.”

“Thank you… You’re a good Pathfinder, but an even better person.” Kesh tilted her chin towards the doorway. “Better head out before he gets suspicious.”

Ain left and looked at Drack who had been eyeing her as soon as the door opened.

“What were you and Kesh talkin’ about?”

“Oh, you know… girl talk.” Ain cleared her throat when she let out a pitiful laugh.

Another weak ass excuse. He totally won’t be able to see through that.

Thankfully, Drack didn’t pry anymore. She felt a little better than she had when she was with Scott, but she still had the aching feeling of dread. Rubbing her hand down her face, she sighed again. Addison wouldn’t like it if Ain went to go talk with Kandros with Drack by her side. The Krogan still weren’t trusted on the Nexus and speaking with the military director may make some fidgety. Of course, she didn’t want to tell Drack that. Drack was a good guy and she didn’t want to hurt his feelings but hurting the feelings of a Krogan especially one as old as him would be a feat.

“So, Buttercup, what’s actually wrong with you?”

Great… pry about something else old man.

“H-Huh?”

“Don’t try and pull that pollen story on me again Kid. We don’t even have pollen here.”

“Y-Yeah we do! What they’re growing in the botanical department.” Ain tried to protest more, but seeing Drack fold his arms at her, her voice lowered to nothing more than a murmur, “I mean… it’s really not that big of a deal… I just kinda had a small breakdown…it’s really nothing to worry about.”

“Look, I’d ask you more about it, but I know you wouldn’t talk, or come up with another stupid excuse. I’ll be waiting back on the Tempest, they won’t take too kindly to me talking to Kandros with you.”

Ain watched Drack depart and let out an external sigh. All she wanted to do was go hide in her bedroom and go to sleep. Alas, no such luck. She vaulted over the balcony and headed over to Kandros. She ignored one of the Nexus officials grumbling about “these damn kids having no respect for architecture these days”. Kandros seemed surprised that she was there. He blinked and cleared his throat, “What can I do for you, Pathfinder?”

Okay. Pro mode.

“I’m investigating a possible link between Spender and the Nexus uprising. I have reason to believe that he may still be in contact with the exiles.”

“Hmm… it’s funny you bring this up, Pathfinder. I was just thinking about that. There were some… discrepancies, but, I haven’t had the time to check further with everyone needing something and breathing down my neck.” Kandros brought up his Omni-tool and tapped on it a few times. “Check the video archives. Maybe you could find something I couldn’t.”

Sweet!! Hell yeah! Nothing could possibly go wrong n-

“Ryder, this video footage has been deliberately corrupted.” SAM stated when Ain brought up the available video footage.

I hate life.

“Ryder, as of right now, there is insufficient proof of Spender’s guilt.”

I hate life even more now…

“Well… shit.” Ain stated and rubbed her hand down her face again and looked at the screen again before sighing.

Can’t I ever catch a break?

Ain trudged back to the Tempest. She didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news. After all, these were Drack’s people that this rode on. If the Krogan were going to have a future in Andromeda, a true future, then they were going to have to get this whole mess with Spender and the Nexus sorted out. Even though it wasn’t her fault that she hadn’t been able to catch Spender on the footage, she couldn’t help but take it personally. After all, she had promised that she would help. The familiar walls of the Tempest did nothing to comfort her, in fact, it made her feel even worse. It meant that she was closer to having to tell Drack the news.

… Needless to say, Drack didn’t take it well. Their fridge had a dent in it now from his fist. She sighed for what was probably the six millionth time that day. Of course, she didn’t blame him or anything like that. If the situation was switched, she would be upset too. Although she hated making promises, she swore that she would get to the bottom of it if it was the last thing that she did. Grandpa Drack wasn’t completely sated by that, but it seemed to calm him a little. Even a slightly less angry Krogan was better than a full angry one.

Even better, everyone was having mixed feelings on this “exaltation” that the Kett had showed in their facility. Peebee and Cora were fascinated by it, and it worried her a little. Of course, Lexi was as well, but that was to be expected. She was a doctor after all. If they were there… they would have a different view. Ain stood outside the Tech Lab, debating on whether to try and talk to Jaal again. After all, they... their last conversation didn’t go over too well.

I am unhappy with us right now.

Ain winced, remembering Jaal’s words and how harsh they had sounded. Ain was about to walk inside the Tech Lab when she felt another pain in her chest and the same feeling gripped her that had back on the Nexus with Scott and she coughed a couple of times.

“Ryder, your vitals are spiking again.” SAM explained.

No. Fucking. Shit.

Her eyelids fluttered, and a choking sound emitted from her lips as she tried to call for help. Her vision began to turn to a haze and her hearing was drowned out, the last thing that she heard was doors opening and a murmur that may have been her name and she fell, knocking her head against the wall in the process. However, she didn’t hit the floor. The pain in her chest stopped and air filled her lungs, she was able to look around and breath. She was being held… by who? Turning her head, she saw none other than Drack holding her up from hitting the floor.

“O-Old man…” Ain trailed off, blinking back the three Krogans in her vision to one.

“Damn Kid, if anyone’s going to go first, it should be me.” Drack laughed, but she could see worry in his eyes. All of her teammates were around, each eyeing her with the same internal question wanting to be asked:

What the hell just happened?

Holding the side of her head where the massive pain was at, she stood up with Drack and Vetra’s help, staggering slightly which Liam straightened her out from.

“S-Sorry… I’m just tired…” Ain lied. Telling her team that this was the second time this happened would only cause them to worry more and they needed to have full concentration when they were on the battlefield. One wrong move and they could all get killed.

“Ain… don’t try and act tough.” Vetra said and laid a hand on her shoulder. “You know you can tell us if something’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong. You’re worrying too much. I’m just tired. That’s all. I promise.” Ain assured, but none of them seemed really convinced. It looked like they just didn’t want to pry because they knew that they weren’t going to get anywhere if they tried. “Besides, we need to go and check on the Moshae and see how she’s doing. I’m worried about her, she looked in pretty bad shape when we dropped her off at Aya.”

“Our healers are very talented. At the least, the Moshae should be able to take us to the vault.” Jaal informed, not taking his eyes off Ain who was still holding her head.

“At the best?” Ain asked, trying not to talk too loudly to keep her head from pounding.

“She’ll guide us to the vault, enter, explain things, and hopefully talk to Evfra about how he treated you. The Moshae is very keen on people being treated according to their deeds. The Moshae trusts you.”

Ain looked over at her teammates and the crew that was behind her. They had all come to check on her? Maybe they weren’t as big of assholes as she thought they were. Then again, if she died they’d all be fucked. That’s probably what it was… they just didn’t want to travel all the way to Andromeda to get screwed. “Kallo… set us a course for Aya.”

“… Yes Pathfinder.”

“I… I’m going to go and lay down. Someone come and get me when we get there.” Ain rubbed her head gingerly and staggered towards her door, keeping an arm out so she wouldn’t fall against the wall. Unknown to her, Liam wanted to come to her rescue, but Peebee held him back and shook her head. Ain wasn’t one to be babied and she didn’t want to worry her teammates more than they already were. She was just tired. She’d lay down and get better and no more of that… whatever that was would happen. Taking off her shoes at almost record speed, she collapsed onto her bed and pulled the blankets over her head and turned on her side where her head wasn’t tender. “SAM, lights out please…”

“Yes Pathfinder.” Ain wasn’t even conscious long enough to thank SAM before she had fallen asleep. Dreams weren’t really something that Ain had often, nightmares more so. Yet, she had cut a break and was having a nice dream for once.

Andromeda had panned out and everything was fine. She was on the Tempest talking to her crew and everyone was smiling and happy. Fear was a thing of the past as was worrying for survival. She suddenly found herself on Aya and it was beautiful and had an air of peace and prosperity almost intertwined in the air. Moshae Sjefa had already welcomed her and her team as official citizens of Aya and she was walking with the Moshae; laughing as stories were exchanged among them. They turned a corner and Ain ran into a soft but hard wall. When she looked up, Jaal and her met eye contact. There was something there that seemed natural; raw even.

Ain looked down from Jaal but felt a gentle hand under her chin that guided her head to look up at him and lock eye contact once more; a fierce… almost fiery look. Heat arose in her cheeks and her mouth felt dry. Her breathing even slowed, but she didn’t want to hide or run. A gentle smile rose to his lips and a hand caressed her face, grabbing onto the back of her neck while the other hand snaked around her waist and went to rest on her lower back.

“I’ve been waiting for you, Darling One.” His voice was hardly above a whisper. “I have missed you.”

She had been gone for a couple of days going around and checking on the many settlements that she had placed among the planets. Everyone was happy to see her, and she was glad to check on the status of the places they had worked so hard to create. Bradley had been the most excited to see her, since Eos had been the hardest one to settle in her opinion.

“I-I wasn’t gone that long.”

“To me, it felt very long. You are very special to me. Everything about you. Your eyes, your hair, your nose…” His eyes trailed down to her lips and a thumb gently brushed along the skin, having moved from her lower back. “your lips. All of you.”

Ain gripped onto his clothes and closed her eyes, feeling him pull her closer by the back of her neck.

Ain opened her eyes and sat up quickly with a sound of surprise. When her brain processed what had happened and what she was seeing, she felt her eyes widen and the world stopped around her. A few inches from her face was the precursor to what she had seen in her dream. The blue eyes that were opposite her own widened, obviously just as shocked at the extreme turn of events. She felt like she couldn’t breathe again, but it wasn’t painful this time. She parted her lips and was about to scream when she felt a gloved hand over her mouth. What was happening? Was he going to kill her in her sleep like he had threatened when they first met, or was he going to-

No! No! Absolutely not! No way!

“I uh… I can explain, Ryder.” Jaal cleared his throat and she could see he was scrambling.

Are you scrambling for an excuse?! I may be a woman, but I can still fight buddy…

“Will you listen to my explanation?”

As soon as you take your hand off my mouth I’m going to scream. See how well you can explain it to every-

“If I take my hand off your mouth, will you not scream?”

… Angara must be mind readers…

“Well?”

Ain nodded and slowly Jaal took his hand off her mouth. For a split second, Ain had thought about keeping to her original plan and screaming, however if Jaal had come in there to kill her, if she screamed he would do it without a second thought and then probably kill everyone else on the ship. Maybe… she didn’t want to test the theory.

“You see… there is a very simple explanation as to why I am in your bedroom and… this close to your… bed.”

“…”

Jaal cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck obviously embarrassed at the way things were progressing in this conversation. This isn’t the way that someone wanted things to go among two completely different species not even knowing each other for a year yet.

Or at all because I’m not even into Jaal like that!! What the hell brain!?

“Well, are you going to tell me or not?” Ain prodded, wanting to hear this so called “simple explanation”.

“You stated before for someone to come and get you when we arrived at Aya.”

“Uh-huh, and?”

“… We have arrived at Aya.”

Ain looked out her window to see the patch of paradise awaiting them upon landing.

“O-Oh... so we have…”

Wow… you’re an absolute idiot, Ain.

“I was asked if I would retrieve you since I was the closest.”

“O-Oh… r-right.”

“Is my explanation sufficient, Ryder?”

“Y-Yeah. It um… sure.” Ain quickly stood up and got tangled in the blankets and ended up heading towards the floor but was caught by Jaal.

“You are still unsteady on your feet. Or is this something Humans do?”

Ain gave the most awkward nervous laugh she had ever produced in her whole entire life. She tried her damndest to untangle her legs from the blankets, but to no avail. This couldn’t be happening.

“Sit down, Ryder.”

“What for?”

Jaal didn’t answer and sat her down on the bed and held her leg while he tried to untangle the blanket and sheet from them. His eyes were completely focused on the task that he was doing not even paying attention to the surroundings or what he was really doing.

“Um, you don’t have to do that, I can do it.”

“We will be waiting for quite a while if it was left up to you. You are sick, remember?”

“N-No really, I’m feeling better now.” His hand had traveled up to just above her knee to untangle the blankets, making this even more awkward.

“Jaal, really I ca-“

Are you serious?

Ain was cut off by the sound of her door opening. Standing in the doorway was Liam; stunned at the view before him. Honestly, Ain couldn’t blame him. This looked… suggestive. Ain had shorts and a tank top on, her legs were tangled up in blankets, Jaal was on his knees in front of her with his hands all over her legs trying to get blankets untangled from them.

“I… um… I came to see if Ain had got up okay…” His eyes had never left Jaal’s hands on her legs.

“I’ll be right there!” Ain said and quickly tried her hardest to get her legs untangled, and… failed.

“If you would stop moving this would not be taking a long time.” Jaal reprimanded (Totally unsure).

“Here, I’ll take one leg, you take the other.” Liam said and knelt next to Jaal and worked at the other leg. “Geez, how did you manage to get tangled up this bad?”

“Skill…” Ain said sarcastically and looked at the two men; both who had at one time or another said they like to do things with their hands, get things and take them apart, and use them well.

Ain stop! Oh my God! It’s like I’m in a science fiction story with a love triangle and the author is trying to give fan service or something! This is ridiculous! My luck is terrible…

“Finally.” Liam said and helped Ain stand up. “We’ll wait for you at the hanger.”

“R-Right… Thanks…” Ain blushed and faced the window and only turned back around when the door had closed. “Holy crap… Dammit bed! Why did you betray me?! Actually! Brain! Why did you betray me?” She sighed and went to her closet to change. If she didn’t get moving, someone would come back and check on her and knowing her luck it would be Jaal or Liam… or both. Again.

No! My fragile heart can’t take it!

Ain grabbed a hanger that had sweat pants on it and began to cough again. She leaned against the wall and had the pants at her side. The coughing only increased, and she hoped that she wasn’t getting sick. They didn’t have vaccines for anything in Andromeda and she didn’t want to infect any of the Angara if it were true. Then again, she had gasped quite a lot lately.

I’m sure I got something… caught in my throat.

Finally, the coughing subsided.

W-What?

On her hand was a bit of blood. The blood in her veins turned to ice upon seeing her hand. She went over to the mirror in her room and sure enough there was blood on her lips and chin.

”… What’s happening to me?”

[swearronchanel]

Kicking off the hiatus with 5.04

A few people have requested that I continue my commentaries™ during the hiatus & after all the positive feedback, I couldn’t say no! But I expected to have an awful day & it actually went well so I thought I’d go ahead and do it now. You know since I’m going to avoid all my responsibilities anyway it might as well be for a good cause🙃

I watched a lot of shameless on Netflix today so it’s nice to watch something wholesome for a change of pace 😂

“The world was shifting on its axis in 1961, strides were being made, decisions taken, questions asked..” Vanessa’s narration is always on point like I wish I had the patience to post all her quotes 😭😂

Aw sister Mary Cynthia! I hope she’s in the Christmas special

My bby trixie looking flawless while riding a bike, goals

But who is this nun they’re having a service for lol ??

Like it’s kinda irrelevant oops,  r i p & dios te bendiga but why do we care? at least I don’t

Isn’t this girl from something? She looks so familiar

i remember saying this before .. oh yea she’s from game of thrones I think. I don’t watch it though haha

“Angel? I could get used to that!” Aw my bby is so cute like yes trix ur an angel

yikes that cough lady, I have a stuffy nose rn and I’m hoping I don’t start coughing 😭cause then I wanna be in a coma cause I hate being sick

Aw he'a so excited! He got into university👏🏼 that was legit me though 😂 I’m so irrational and literally only applied to one university (well I filled out many applications but didn’t submit any others because you gotta pay so I tried to wait and see if I got accepted to where I wanted first😂) I found out in English while on my phone instead of doing work & I screamed and just ran out the classroom 😂 I went to my guidance councilor and told everyone in the main office and then called my parents who *were nervous I wouldn’t get in* but also were literally going through security in the airport on their way to Dominican Republic .. ah, I was full of excitement and hope. Look at me now 3 semesters in &I’m over it 😂😂 it’s so stressful and mentally/emotionally draining and sometimes I’m just like how do I become a trophy wife asap?

BACK TO THE SHOW THOUGH

My bby SHELAGH! 😍 she is so precious in her suit aww, but lets be real the navy suit is the best™ one she owns. But I still like her best in uniform at the clinic though 💁🏼

she’s over here giving a talk on giving birth at home & Im just like holy shit SHE JUST HAD A BABY IN THEIR NEW HOME, I STILL CANT BELIEVE IT😭!!!!

Tom’s so excited for Ian it’s so cute and sweet

And Tom is so cute and attractive ugh, he could get it

oh damn wait Mrs Cottingham has the baby with no limbs

aw yea and she wanted a girl

I agree though little boys are gremlins 😂😂 from ages like 7-14, get them away from me 😂

Ian all hopeful for their future and then boom he’s a dad. That went from 0 to 💯 real quick

Phyllis!! & lol sister W giggling

But damn why they all acting like Sister J is too old and incapable 😂 she wants to go to St Cuthberts, let her

Sister Monica Joan upset aw😭 don’t worry sister you’re Help is needed

Pats and Deels look cute “tanning” outside

“You want to see Anita Ekberg in that fountain just as much as I do”  Lmaoo 😂😂 for real though have u ever seen La Dolce Vita? Like Anita Ekberg was too hot to handle. I wish I looked that good damn

Trixie came to thirdwheel even though she isn’t unaware she is lol

But Trixie is serving summer looks™ I love it 😍

Damn though Patsy’s legs are pretty pasty 😂😂

Trixie wondering what the hell kinda magic bra Anita had on, literally same cause I want it. Always need good quality strapless bras for summer👍🏻

Patsy inviting Trixie and Delia gave the side eye omg 😂

Here comes Babs lmao

LOL DEELS IS SALTY OMG

ugh this is when Babs first got with Tom and they were annoying lmao, I got over it though

If I was Trixie I’d be lowkey mad too like that was her ex-fiancé but I’m glad they got over it and are friends despite that 💕 cause I know petty girls that would just cut the other off

WHY DO THEY PRONOUNCED SCHEDULE LIKE THAT? And honestly How?? Like I can’t even lol it’s hard. Oops is my American showing

Sister J out here

Ohh yea this matron is a bitch lmao, vete ya

What is the correlation between going to grammar school and getting pregnant ?? @ Ian’s mom

Lol Trixie’s just like pls don’t ask me

ugh get this nurse/matron or what ever tf she is off my screen before I smack her

I swear Jenny Agutter has such a relaxing voice, like she really can calm you down & tell you all will be well & you’ll just be like “yea you right”😭

Tom is so rational and sensible because if I walked in I’d immediately start screaming and all that like “calm tf down people" 

Pats and Deels sneaking around in a convent lol it gives me anxiety always thinking “oh shit u think someone will walk in?”

LOL OKAY TOM YOU TELL YOURSELF TRIXIE IS MAD ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE

Damn Tom you just made Babs feel like a rebound™

“Who’s to say we won’t carry on” ya will be fine & get married next year chill out

So Babs is only 23, how old are the other nurses *well how old do you think*??

WHEN WILL WE SEE A NONNATUN BIRTHDAY?? *I preferably want to see Trixie or Shelagh have one* but I’d take anyone really, like these people literally celebrate every other damn holiday/event but no one has had a birthday?? Except for Jenny and Chummy but they’re both gone lol

yikes emphysema, one of my grandfathers died from that. 70 odd years of tobacco smoking 😬 he did someone love to be 85 yrs old though. Idk how, he couldn’t breathe for so long

I love Phyllis just saying again for the millionth time

Aw Trix 💔 you will be happy soon💕😭

See! She said w/o Sister J she’d be screaming! Her presence is calming

Emergency c-section aye dios

Turn up at the pub

Lol funny how the dad gave Tom orange juice bc he’s a vicar but he was drunk af the night before his wedding 😂 drunk enough to have little memory and to be hungover the next day

we’ve all been there tho I don’t judge

Is it really CtM if there’s not at least one mention of babycham a series?

c-sections are wild omg

also I’ve never been under anesthesia so I’d be scared af

LOL & also I’ve never had a kid so that’s scary too duh

“Oh God another one” ahh omg

Do you think that was a doll ??

Again this show makes everything look real af so I never know

Is the doctor here the Mr Kenely that I hate??

They really left that baby there to die like o m g

Sister J praying/blessing the baby 💔💔 my freaking heart omg

again this nurse is on my screen and I need her to go, preferably to carajoland

“may the lord bless you and keep you”!! 💔😭

the third deformed baby and they didn’t report it??

“I’m not drunk” I mean you’re sitting on the floor in the bathroom so I’d think you were too 😂

Lol remember.. *cringes* no wait lets not

Tom worked in a record shop that’s cute

damn Tom do you really think telling them to just settle is the best way to comfort him

Aw sister J needs a hug😭😢💕

and yes prayer you’re right sister MJ

Sister MJ, Sister MC & Sister J comforting each other is so pure, all the they have scenes together wash my sins away for a second

wait where tf is sister Winifred lmao, did she just scadaddle after compline? snuck out to see a heathen movie i bet  jk jk I’m sure she only sneaks to quality films

but then I say dumb shit like that ^ or even worse/more inappropriate & the sins return😂😂

There’s my bby Shelagh! And in uniform, love it. 😭😍

Whenever Shelagh goes back to work next series I hope we see more of her being a nurse cause I love it

Wild that the hospital was just not saying anything about the deformed babies

Sister J coming to the best detective in Poplar, Dr Watson aka Shelagh Turner aka secret agent Shealgh Turnova™ 😂😂 *forever one of my fave lines of hers*

Lmao Tim helping out old ladies, being a good seed & too perfect of a teen

But damn boy comb your hair!

“I haven’t boiled any urine today, nice to have a change of pace” Lol Babs😂😂

oh no she’s bleeding 😢

I’m having flashbacks to Shelagh’s threatened miscarriage like lets not go down that painful memory lane  

Sister J told Ruby it was a girl bc she knew she wanted a girl ughhh 😢

Ruby thinks it was a punishment 💔 ugh my heart & ugh again makes me think of when Shelagh thought she was being punished/greedy when they told her she couldn’t have a baby 💔

Stop the sadness I say, stop it now

“We haven’t got a fairy godmother between us” WHERE IS PHYLLIS WHEN SHE IS NEEDED?

And Poor what’s her name 💔💔

oh yea it’s Linda omg how could I forget that’s my Gram’s name

But Shelagh and Trixie are interacting!!

It’s about a patient but at least they’re speaking right .. LMAO BUT WAIT ILL NEVER BE OVER HORMONAL SHELGH YELLING AT TRIXIE ABOUT THE FAMILY PLANING CLINIC ENTRANCE

ALSO: I’LL KEEP SAYING IT TILL I DIE, ALL I WANT IS A TRIXIE & SHELAGH FRIENDSHIP! 😭😭💕💖💖 they’re my bbys and I’ve been asking nicely

shit ¡¡ @beatrix-franklin wrote a damn essay as to why we need/want it !!

PLS LET IT HAPPEN @ HEIDI & OTHER WRITERS😭💔

Shelagh’s grey cardigan is actually cute *she just doesn’t need anymore lol*

“What the poor pet really needs is a good cry, a bottle of aspirin and a hug in no particular order..but the hug is of prime importance”  you see. We could’ve have a cute scene of Trixie visiting Shelagh in the hospital & a little parallel of when she visited her in the sanatorium

or Just give me Trixie hugging Shelagh and I’ll cry of joy 😭💕

omg wait

shit I forgot Ian put his head in the oven

Angela playing on the floor !! So precious 💖

“..Don’t think they’d thank you for that Patrick, they’re both younger than me”  Lol I always laugh at that, it’s kinda cute. I like when Shelagh has funny lines , why didn’t Patrick say anything back 😂 there could’ve been cute playful banter. Even this series we could’ve heard him call her an elderly primigravida is a joking/playful banter context ..BUT at least we know now Shelagh is 36!

Yea man those bombs impacted multiple generations

“So World War II is history now is it?” I seriously love these little lines of Shelagh’s lol. Also funny how she prob sees her self as old, and she was what, like my age, when the war needed?? 18 or 19 depending on her birthday (We’d know but nonnatuns apparently don’t ever have birthdays)

Shit. Wait..I feel. Kinda strange and scary to think my future children will learn in school the events I’ve lived through so far ??

okay lets not think about that

what’s the sluice? I know he washes instruments but what exactly is the sluice? The room ? Idk

Aw Angela crying, one of the the only times we’ve heard her make a sound lol

WAIT HE COULD BE SUED FOR BREAKING THE ENGAGEMENT WHAT??

“How long have we been broken off?” “A year. To be precise a year and ten days”  I know they weren’t really a good match but aw 😭 it was nice while it lasted

Trixie Bby 💔💔 happiness is coming your way I promise

“I never know when I love you the most. But I sometimes think these are the times I love you best..”😭😭 BYE IM DEAD AGAIN & MY HEART EXPLODED AGAIN😭💔💕💕

thinking about it though, they’ve never actually said I love you properly, have they??

See Patrick’s little med school anecdote, can Shelagh share one anytime soon? About anything from her past, I’m just curious.

Was that just a piece of “in the mirror” or is it playing in my head? Honestly it happens quite often, I’ll swear I hear a song and it’s actually in my head

alright Ian so why were you marrying her? you switching it up kid

I’m calling him kid like he’s not probably older than me lmao

Phyllis in her robe I love it

Trixie serving yet another look™😍

I’m so glad Trixie gave Babs her “blessing” & became good friends. So pure, we don’t need any more women being put against each other

“Fuzzy felt apostles” WHY AM I LAUGHING AT THAT? It’s not even funny?

Now the service for a nun we never knew, filled with extra nuns we will never know or care about.

I love that the nurses are at the service lol, like they probably don’t have to be but still there for fam

& Shelagh there wearin a mantilla, so sweet😭💕

“God hugs you” aw sister MC 😭❤️

You gotta admit even if you aren’t religious this show does make you feel some type of faith

“We knew so little then, in a world that seems so filled of opening doors and bright horizons. We thought only of what was new and better because it was new and better. And it would take us to places we had never been before.” VANESSA😭 she never fails with the narration, never.

Trixie helping Babs fix her bracelet bc there’s no hard feelings and she’s happy for them aw

“..We couldn’t see what was coming or understand yet what had already come to pass, yet so much still to learn”

Oh shit that foreshadow was heavy, especially because it ends with a shot of baby cottinghams body in the box.

I don’t think I picked up on that the first time ..                                     Anyway it’s 1:15am I should go to bed I have class in the morning 😭😂

The End.🙃