#literally cant believe i wont see them till next year

[mydairpercabeth]

missing my family real bad rn

[theunconcernedembalmer]

ok i got the aesvic out of my system now time to pick apart the letter n why i wont really be following aesops diary exactly here. literally no one asked but i wanted to get my thoughts down somewhere cos i have. a lot

just gonna put a quick rundown of aesops diary entry as a refresher (mostly for myself so i dont miss anything): he dreamt that he was helping jerry with what was probably a murder n was affirmed n he thinks its a sign congratulating him on carrying out his duty. over the years, he carries out his duties as an undertaker n comes to the manor looking for a “fresh start” aka what sounds like his first victim. according to aesop, said victim should be quiet, n potential victim number 1 is victor. something about badly needing him to become his “silent friend” n he mentions he’ll get to wick n the 2 other survivors in due time, but for now he’s very eager to start his “mission”.

im generally okay with the letter (i have seen so many fights over this aha) cos there is no surprise he wants to kill ppl (ppl who r fighting over this point. did u even read his deductions?? guy happily killed his mentor??). but i didnt quite like the fact that he still looks up to jerry (although. i guess thats valid i just. dont like it). i was also initially kind of confused about the real reason why he would want to kill ppl since as u progress through the letter it sounds less like he kills for duty (cos of the whole dream thing at the start) but more “because i want to :)”, which is an okayish edgy kinda take imo. like not that u cant characterize aesop as Kill Kill Murder Die, but i kinda find that. pretty boring in the long term.

im just gonna put what my original take on aesop was, like all of it. first off, he hates jerry. u cannot tell me a psychotic serial killer like that can raise a child without emotional trauma. like any child, this isnt even counting the extra damage done because hes autistic. (n i also hc that aesop has read his moms letter to him at some point, n he should have come to the conclusion that it was somewhat also jerrys fault, whether through logic or denial that his mom would want to leave him, so that just adds to it.) but as much as he hates him, his teachings are the only ones hes been exposed to, n its been so ingrained in him since young so even if he hates jerry he would still subscribe to whatever twisted ideology jerry was feeding him, which ill get to in a sec.

going through his accessories, he has that origami that he folds for each of his clients, n it shows that underneath it all, aesop is still kind. this isnt expected of him n its definitely not part of his job scope as an embalmer. he (still?) has the heart to wish the best for those that have departed n takes the time n effort to fold one for each n every client he sends off, which is probably a lot. so going off on that, my hc is that jerry, being the manipulative asshole that he is (who probably definitely manipulated his mom into indirect suicide) probably used his kindness against him to make him believe that by murdering ppl he is helping them, framing all of his serial kills as a sort of mercy kill (like his mom). so the thing that aesop takes away from all this is the very twisted logic that by killing ppl he is helping them, therefore being a good embalmer and a good person in general. n everyone wants to be a sort of good person, or at least for aesop that is part of his job description to be a good embalmer. n we all know aesop is very serious about his job.

i also hc that he has killed several ppl between killing jerry n coming to the manor, cos i follow the story that he took the invitation from that poor lady n thats how he ended up at the manor. surely the lady didnt come to him right after jerry died?? but anyway, the way i see it is that he thought he liked to kill. like he finally truly understood why jerry kills so much (which is interesting now that i think about it. guy really just went along with all those murders without truly believing huh), because it felt good to kill. at least thats what he thought, the revelation that killing felt good n is good, but i say its because he hated jerry, n offing someone u kinda hate should probably feel pretty gucci. n its also so much easier to pick clients off the streets than in the manor, so i would think that he has killed ppl like his mentor did, but each time he did the great feeling that came with ending ppls life just. wasnt as good as the first time round. it just became a sort of normal satisfaction of a successful embalming.

this can go two ways: 1. he keeps on killing to try to find that great feeling again, which is cool i guess (n probably what canon would want, except canon states that he hasnt killed since jerry), but id like to go with 2. he just stops because jerry isnt around to enforce it whenever he isnt feeling up to psychoing someone to their death (which is probably how jerry got his victims, n damn if that doesnt take a lot of mind games that i dont think aesop has the mental capacity for since half of it is fighting with his social anxiety n other issues. dealing with alive strangers?? no thanks?? i doubt he would have learnt properly how to lure in clients as efficiently as jerry because of this, mostly cos he was only needed for the murder afterparty aka embalming n funerals). n as much as he stays professional, there is no. professional way of gaslighting someone to their death.

(n also since ppl have pointed out that his twitter replies n other kinda informal stuff have shown that aesop does have reverent respect for life, which also adds to him not being so blindly bloodthirsty as implied in the letter. i dont really see the twitter replies as very canon, but it does make sense that he would come to revere life with his unique take and obsession over death, for one cannot exist without the other)

so this leads me to the motive that aesop brings to the manor, at least how i see it. he isnt exactly coming to the manor to kill per se (like from the very early story, he came to the manor to return the letter to a relative of the deceased lady, something about respecting her last wishes. something like that, its really been a while since i saw that exerpt), so like killing ppl isnt his main purpose of visit. its more of hes always on the lookout for weaker (or at least those that take less mind games to kill) people to mercy kill, n it just so happens that he knows the manor n his mentor almost died from there, so theres a pretty good chance he can find some ppl that fall into this category n so it just so happens that he also has a job to do there. its still counted as a Job for him since no ones gonna tell him that embalmers dont actually. murder. 

so in my version, aesop only tries to sway ppl that he knows he can convince, n these ppl would typically be those very sickly ones like his mom (andrew im looking at u) or those with an actual death wish/ very weak will to live. but here aesop is choosing his “first victim”, and the criteria for that is... quiet? never mind “not evading him” and “not cranky” being on the list too, but that isnt quite what i was expecting from someone so dedicated to their duty of murder. sure he wants an easy first kill, but like. i dont think its consistent if his motive was really to continue jerrys bastard legacy. especially when the next paragraph is essentially him gushing over victor, that... sort of implies something else. or at least in the way i see it, since i believe that canon wants us to think that aesop just really loves to kill.

aesop likes victor. very much so. so much till he wants to kill him. which i guess makes sense cos he likes death, n now he likes victor. so he just. puts the two things he likes together. whats better than victor? dead victor. anyway the rest of the letter is more like “whatever, i technically should kill the others too but my priority is victor” so like. he confuses his (dare i say) yandere tendencies with his duty since the end goal for both is a body in a coffin.

having said that. i know i have aesvic brainrot but i also know this is one sided as hell (at least from the letter alone, not counting the letter shaped cookies in his birthday art that apparently belonged to victors birthday cake aha) n lowkey alarming since. the goal is to kill victor. i kinda want to interpret it as him genuinely wanting to be friends with victor (really wanting him to be a “silent friend”, maybe cos he doesnt actually know how to be friends with living ppl n is better with dead ones? therefore victor should be dead to be friends?) but not knowing how to n throwing in his obsession with death ends up with. this minor disaster waiting to happen. but i uh. dont know if this is valid. its valid to me at least, with my original interpretation of aesop. n again cos of his ingrained professionalism, he also kinda sees this as part of his job to send ppl off, so its another plus. not for victor, tho.

idk if ill add this yandere side in my aesop. i mean my boi has technically tried to kill victor multiple times in the past HAHAHAHA. maybe like sometimes he can be a bit obsessive. as a treat. but generally nah cos thats definitely gonna end up in a murder somewhere somehow n i cant. just kill victors here on the ask blog scene lashjflkjhdlfkjhas

so yeah that kinda takes care of the last part of the letter, as for the first part. as much as aesop hates jerry, i would also think hes pretty starved for affirmation (like i said jerry isnt going to be a good parent figure ever) n i guess it makes sense if the only times jerry has ever complimented him was aiding him in his kills n hiding the evidence, which might (?) add to his desire to kill (but that probably dies with jerry aha). so the way i see it as aesop is getting affirmation n takes it as a good sign instead of. remotely liking jerry. idk if im stretching it a little but i really dont like the take where hes okay with jerry. anyway we are ignoring that he hasnt killed before entering the manor cos that doesnt quite make sense to me (i wasnt dreaming about the letter from a lady stabbed in the face 36 times or so right???? right???????)

im also not like. trying to defend him, im just trying to make sense of his diary. boi has issues n is a little too far gone (not as far as canon tho), in my take very deluded in his way of showing kindness. literally cool motive still murder (or in canon, just murder?), please get therapy. but i just dont really like the direction that the letter was originally trying to imply, with him really just hell bent on murder without like. a clear motive (at least to me it isnt very clear since the last part really doesnt sound consistent with his supposed intentions). i mean i love being edgy with aesop every now n then but i dont think it would make for meaningful characterizations in the long run so. ill still be sticking with my original take on aesop with maybe a bit of yandere for victor cos thats always fun

[juiceboxesheadcanons]

I finally figured out how to send asks on mobile :D Got any headcanons for how Illumi, Hisoka, (plus gon and Killua if it's not too much trouble) would decorate for Christmas? I just think that would be kinda poggers UwU

YESSSS I DO ACTUALLY! CANT WAIT TILL CHRISTMAS GUYS! I decided to just pin this post until the end of December so if anybody else wants any Christmas headcanons I’ll just add it here and I did put extra characters/headcanons because of that reason and if you want me to add anybody else just send in a request about it! (also dont mind the random juiceboxes I just left them out bc I don’t feel like adding new ones when adding random hc’s.) THANKS SO MUCH FOR REQUESTING! I’ll finish illumi and hisoka later but my food just arrived so I’m gonna go start on that first :)

Hunter x Hunter Christmas Event! This Event Includes The Main 4, The Adult Trio, The Phantom Troupe, The Zoldyck Family, The Freecss Family, And The Minor Characters!

Illumi

🧃 rich kid is gonna be the one with either nothing but a tree or literally is gonna go to the point of fake snow on the stair rails

🧃 it’s either nerf or nothing for this man. either go all out or don’t go at all mf

🧃 he likes Christmas except the fact it’s cold, girlie isn’t a fan of cold weather

🧃 he’ll probably do the jazz with the gingerbread cookies tho :’)

🧃 but yeah his tree’s gonna look like the ones in the movies with like all the height and the little balls with the perfect star on top bc babie is perfect so his tree should be too ✨

🧃 he says he doesn’t want anything but if you actually get him something he’ll be so touched-

🧃 he maybe will take a day off of fuck knows what to spend Christmas with anybody- 

🧃 okay we all know he’s spending Christmas with hisoka and we can’t change that 

🧃 poor baby he just wants to be held and feel the feeling of warmth again so he is a fan of hot chocolate

🧃 will not go out in the snow but he will go with you or anybody that wants to go outside and play

🧃 he isn’t a fan of dressing up but he’ll take his s/o out on a Christmas date (I will do a mini scenario/hc’s for this if you guys want.)

Hisoka

🧃 I feel if he wasn’t a pedophile or mass murderer they would hire him to work as a mall Santa Claus.

🧃 he’d probably do a color coded thing and the whole house would be that color

🧃 this mf would buy a gift for himself-

🧃 he wouldn’t do anything to his room and the biggest ick about him I have is that he has nothing in his room but a bed, dresser, desk, lamp, and nightstand like only the necessities so he wouldn’t do that much.

🧃 if he had a kid he’d 100% to elf on the shelf until they were like 16 years old and even use his nen ability to secretly make them move so the kid would believe in the magic for a while

🧃 he’s forcing illumi to come over cause he doesn’t want the little shit to be alone and sad on Christmas.

🧃 he got illumi a present

🧃 not a fan of those childish Christmas films but he’s pretty fond of the romance ones tbh

🧃 he literally never ends up under the mistletoe because everybody’s avoiding it so they won’t have to kiss the scary guy-

🧃 he can COOK asf so he’ll def make a feast for him and his s/o or just friends :)

Killua

🧃 he’s gonna be the most fun with all this, he want everything either blue, purple, or white. Literally he hates doing shit and not perfecting it (nikki minaj??)

🧃 he’d be the one to act like a mom saying “stupid I’m not buying that it’s too expensive!” and then you wake up with it under the tree- “you thought you weren’t getting it didn’t you?” I stg he is literally EVERY SINGLE MOTHER ON EARTH and it’s not even funny.

🧃 he wants to go play in the snow and make snow angels but he won’t say anything until you say something

🧃 hc that his ears and nose turn kinda red when it’s cold

🧃 he’s literally cooking a red velvet cake and there is no point in stopping him

🧃 he probably isn’t a morning christmas guy, he’s all for around 11-12 gifts so then you guys can bake cookies and play in the snow a ton because you got some energy stored up

🧃 this mf wants chocolate robots for Christmas and probably at one point in his life asked Santa for a new family but he didn’t deliver ig. (Illumi probably wrote him a fake Santa note saying that his family was better than everybody else’s.) 

🧃 his parents forced him to go sing those fucking Christmas songs when they know damn well those kids sound ratchet.

🧃 he ALWAYS ends up under the mistletoe with somebody. Even if it’s unintentional it always happens. 

🧃 a giant fan of wreaths for some reason? He puts one on every door.

Gon

🧃 his favorite holiday is Christmas so ohhh boy this is gonna be magical-

🧃 red green and white colors. you cannot change his mind literally that is what colors are in his head as soon as he hears the word Christmas.

🧃 the tree’s gonna be HUGE and he’s gonna want to decorate every room in the house. The bathroom, your room, his room, and yes he is that one neighbor with the fucking big ass lights outside-

🧃 he is a firm Santa believer he doesn’t take criticism. 

🧃 literally is going to wake everybody up at 6 fucking am to open gifts and everybody is gonna do it because can we really resist his pouty face? no. 

🧃 the joy on his face opening any gifts make it a fucking can of baked beans makes it all worth losing about 3-4 hours of sleep :,)

🧃 he probably wants toys for Christmas, I get he’s 14 but hxh doesn’t exactly have too much social media so he wouldn’t be trying to grow up too fast

🧃 he would get matching sleepwear for everybody except for some fucking reason it actually will look cute and he won’t just settle for a ugly ass tight suffocating elf sweater.

🧃 he believes Christmas is about spending time with your family and probably donated his old toys to a center so kids who didn’t have toys got some :)

🧃 he’s gonna make sure everybody has a good time, like every single person. it’s a  main protagonist thing I guess but I mean I applaud him for it.

🧃 doesn’t quite ever end up under the mistletoe with anybody but if he happened to he’d giggle and kiss their cheek in a friendly way.

Leorio

🧃 he’s gonna reuse the same fucking plastic wrinkled tree he’s been using for 12 years because the tree prices are “insane” even on sale.

🧃 he would be the one a Walmart ringing the little bell and forcing kurapika to sing with him because he needs the money.

🧃 his house is the one with rainbow colored little balls and it’s so ghetto but at the same time adorable

🧃 he is literally that one neighbor who gets the most snow and it’s the snow that’s basically ice and will take around 6 good days to shovel up.

🧃 maybe wont shovel out the snow too early because he wants killua and gon to have fun. 

🧃 he wants money for Christmas and nothing more, but kurapika tells him money isn’t a real gift and to ask for something else

🧃 even not being a morning person, he LIVES for morning Christmas.

🧃 probably eats snow.

🧃 he would try to cook and it might work actually

🧃 miss girl is plopped right down right next to gon watching elf on the shelf movies

🧃 he wears the Santa hat and is lowkey twinning with kurapika-

Kurapika

🧃 this bitch is gonna make you wait all fucking day to open gifts 😀

🧃 he thinks afternoon/nigh Christmas is the best. On Christmas eve he would literally sit down and watch movies with killua and gon for exactly 2 hours while leorio waits outside because kurapika wants him to sound like there’s somebody on the roof and kurapika can put the two children to bed and get a break for the rest of the night to finish gift wrapping and food making

🧃 hella good at wrapping gifts- commercial wrapping mf.

🧃 he thinks a white color coded Christmas looks best 

🧃 he’d give killua and gon like 150$ to buy Christmas stuff for their rooms and that’s lowkey just him trying his best he doesn’t know what the fuck else to do he isn’t a mom-

🧃 he might teach the other 3 traditional kurta songs his clan and him sung on Christmas.

🧃 he’s twinning with leorio cause he got the reindeer ears I mean get it ig- 

🧃 leorio is BEGGING kurapika to let him get a couple of drinks and kurapika’s like “YOURE GONNA STAY SOBER AND YOURE GONNA LIKE IT BITCH.”

🧃 he may or may not boys whatever they asked for and accidently on purpose use leorio’s credit card-

🧃 he just wants everybody to be happy, but can we blame him? it’s Christmas why wouldn’t he?

🧃 okay all wholesomeness aside he’s making leorio shovel the driveway.

Chrollo

🧃 he thinks this is like a romance thing

🧃 he’ll probably steal a gift or 2 for you ya know

🧃 I feel he’s the mf to have a black Christmas tree or a white one theres no in between

🧃 cookies are a yes

🧃 just go watch a classic romance movie one with him, it’ll give ya clear skin ma

🧃 he won’t decorate outside but inside will look magical asf

🧃 I think personally he’d wear a santa hat

🧃 probably would make a big phat juicy meal just for the two of you and he’d get gifts for the troupe if they cared about celebration

🧃 I feel the troupe isn’t big on that holiday stuff but if you felt like celebrating with him he’d be over the moon

🧃 he got that big tree though for no reason, he also takes the tree down the day after Christmas

🧃 Probably would give you a gift everyday leading up to christmas

Feitan

🧃 He probably was forced to sing carols and ring the bell on christmas as a kid-

🧃 he doesn’t really care much and won’t care to decorate but may or may not get you gifts

🧃 if you get him something he’ll have a small smile behind his mask 

🧃 he doesn’t wanna be in the cold just make some hot chocolate and watch a movie with him jeez

🧃 probably will wear reindeer horns if you insist

🧃 his favorite holiday is halloween but christmas is nice I guess

🧃 he probably would spend his entire day if he didn’t have a s/o with shalnark seeing who could figure out the christmas word find fastest

🧃 he’s gonna just see if theres anything he could steal for anybody

🧃 doesn’t bother with snow at all if there is snow he just doesn’t care to go outside when we got a perfectly nice house

🧃 firm believer in christmas isn’t about family it’s about gifts

🧃 he’s gonna get you something expensive though

Alluka

🧃 alluka the sweet princess is literally the neighbor that has the biggest brightest lights

🧃 she probably had her big brother killua come help her

🧃 her christmas tree is pink and white, and she decorated every square foot of her house

🧃 Christmas is her favorite holiday :)

🧃 she get’s everybody gifts and for christmas she wants some toys maybe to go shopping or something

🧃 snow angels are a must 100%

🧃 firm santa believer doesn’t take criticism.

🧃 she’s gonna be so happy just to spend time with people honestly even if nanika comes out she’s just gonna be happy

🧃 her gingerbread houses look absolutely amazing like please become a house builder sis-

🧃 she’s wearing matching sleepwear with killua and gon, probably doing a elf santa and reindeer theme which is adorable

🧃 this is the best day of her life and I’m living for it.

machi

🧃 This bitch is not a fan of anything

🧃 she want’s to paint those little christmas ball things and yeah

🧃 probably says she doesn’t want anything but some jewels or bracelets would be nice 

🧃 also isn’t a fan of snow but her house doesn’t get much to be honest

🧃 for the troupe she gives them like some bakery idem she made because why not that’s her family after all

🧃 probably wears fluffy socks on christmas and they’re like really adorable she just doesn’t realize it

🧃 she probably got something extra for shizuku idk I head canon them to be friends :)

🧃 she wont steal anything probably will buy or make it

🧃 omg machi stitching little christmas sweaters and socks omg that’s the highlight of my mother fucking day

🧃 her house if she decorates, is red and white.

Pakunoda

🧃 omg this beautiful woman I love so much

🧃 her house is white and blue and it’s all pretty

🧃 she has lights and stuff but doesn’t like overdo it or anything because she isn’t that jolly but might decorate a tree or two

🧃 she donates to animal shelters on christmas and literally it’s so cute

🧃 will probably get the troupe something specific that fits them or that they like because she isn’t trying to get somebody useless shit

🧃 for her s/o she’ll go out in the snow with them if they’d want

🧃 she buys the best gifts like that one aunt you don’t wanna give kisses but they always come through except we do wanna kiss her asf

🧃 she’ll wear machis socks that machi made her :,)

🧃 probably is the best person to have on christmas because just look at her

🧃 cuddles are everything just let’s just hug her while she watching a movie yes

Shalnark

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Phinks

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Uvo

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Shizuku

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Mito

🧃 yes

🧃 she thinks christmas is all about family

🧃 def an adult who says that they don’t want anything

🧃 she loves gons little handmade gifts or cards though

🧃 she decorates the house whatever way gon would want to cause you know he’s the only kid in the house

🧃 so basically her family has like a huge feast and everything and the food slaps

🧃 she makes gon wear this adorable sleepwear thing cause she thinks its cute

🧃 won’t let gon near any gifts before christmas

🧃 she’ll bundle gon up like a burrito if he wants to play in the snow which is adorable

🧃 she’s the mom like “you thought you wasn’t gonna get that huh? oh you welcome baby.”

Kalluto

🧃 this small little boy omg

🧃 he loves christmas but nobody really pays attention to him so he’s a little sad

🧃 with the troupe if they get him something he’ll be so excited but you won’t be able to tell :(

🧃 he’ll give people stuff because to him this is probably the most spirt he gets

🧃 he might just go sit out in the snow to enjoy the scenery 

🧃 he enjoys christmas eve most because of the vibes

🧃 doesn’t believe in santa but you know he’ll let alluka believe in it

🧃 probably a bit hurt killua wants to celebrate with alluka but not him tho

🧃 will ask killua if he wants anything def

🧃 might get illumi and milluki something if they let him

Milluki

🧃 he is always cooped up in the zoldyck house so they probably don’t decorate or celebrate but he still enjoys it

🧃 if illumi or something gets him a new game he’ll pretend he doesn’t care but he’ll appreciate it :)

🧃 he loves snow like yes

🧃 he might ask his siblings for something because his bitch ass parents wont buy him anything

🧃 yeah he doesn’t rlly give af but like yes

🧃 he probably just wants a new game or figure 

🧃 he might go online and talk to his online friends to see what they got and watch hauls on yt

🧃 probably the mf to want something that arrives in like july like damn pick something else

🧃 wont get anybody else anything sadly

🧃 we stan milluki here

THATS IT FOR NOW!! IM PLANNING ON ADDING SHALNARK, PHINKS, UVO, SHIZUKU SO IF YOU HAVE ANY OTHER CHARACTERS YOU WANT JUST SEND IN REQUESTS! 😁🧃 this event does not include nsfw.

[collectsfallenstars]

Lee Gon’s 3 Rules and How and When He Fell In Love With Jeong TaeEul: An Analysis in 2 parts

Part 1: Love like You Row

It’s pretty easy to say that Lee Gon starts off in “The King: Eternal Monarch” already in love with Jeong TaeEul and he remains in that constant state all throughout the series.  That his character is that flat, as flat as the world according to Jeong TaeEul.  While it may be true that his character remains deeply devoted to her all throughout, I’m here to show you that he isn’t a flat character.  Aside from the external struggle he has with his uncle Lee Lim, and convincing TaeEul of his identity and depth of feeling for her, loving TaeEul also forced him to confront certain things.

On their first chicken dinner together in episode 2 which felt more like an extension of his interrogation instead of a friendly dinner, Lee Gon finds out exactly what kind of person he’s dealing with with Jeong TaeEul. He had just thanked her for being the reason why he survived the last 25 years of his life after his father had been murdered.  She was tied to that one great big mystery of his life and he had wanted to find her all these years. Now she was there, eating dinner with him.  But she didn’t believe anything he said, almost canceling out his entire existence because she did not have enough proof.

We are then taken to a flashback of baby Lee Gon talking with Lady Noh about the night his father was murdered while a cute baby Maximus ran around in the background.  Lady Noh hands over the two things Lee Gon had held onto that night – half of the broken bamboo flute and Jeong TaeEul’s ID.  And then little Lee Gon asks,

“DO YOU THINK IT’S HERE, THE REASON WHY I SURVIVED THAT DAY?”

The flashback ends and we are brought back to the present time with Lee Gon asking TaeEul,

“WHY DO YOU NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING I SAY?”

This was a very good juxtaposition of events.  As a child, the question of why he survived had been foremost in his mind. That’s him questioning the purpose of his existence and he’s tied it to these two objects – the flute and TaeEul’s ID.  One is a symbol of utter power, and the other, I suppose, is love, or his destiny.

And all his life he believed held on to the idea that his life had purpose, had meaning, and it was tied to this woman, before him, who sat there not believing anything at all.  She tells him to stay put till she gets back his DNA test and he takes it out of context and asks her,

“ANYTHING ELSE? IS THERE ANY OTHER REASON? THE REASON WHY I HAVE TO STAY IN YOUR WORLD? COULD THERE BE A REASON?”

This is him grasping at straws, a little desperately.  He’s basically asking her to  tell him, give him his purpose. He’s waiting for her to say, “I want you to stay because of me.” To hand it over to him.  But of course, TaeEul thought it was all bullshit.

In Lee Gon’s world, he’s the king. He has never needed his existence to be validated.  And he has always been sure of who he was. But one thing he was never sure of was his why he survived that night, his purpose.  So he tied his purpose to the flute and to TaeEul. He had probably hoped that he would find it if he could just find her.

And he did find her.  But she doesn’t believe he exists.  She doesn’t believe his Kingdom of Corea exists.  And the only reason, she says, that she’s helping him is just so she can send him back home and get rid of him.

He realizes two things here.  Just because he found Jeong TaeEul doesn’t mean he gets an instant answer as to what his purpose is for surviving that night.  And just because he’s spent the last 25 years attached to the idea of TaeEul doesn’t mean that the moment she sees him, she’ll come running into his arms like a long lost love.  There is no love. At least, just yet.

This must have been a lonely time for Lee Gon. After this scene, we are shown a clip of him visiting an exhibit of Korea’s last monarch.  The building occupies the same place where he and his father were attacked in the Kingdom of Corea. But that history of the royal family doesn’t even include his line.  He has no identity, no history, no purpose.

And in this world, if he wanted purpose, it wasn’t just going to be a simple find Jeong TaeEul and she’ll give you the answer.  He’ll actually have to work for it, find it by solving the mystery of the bamboo flute and work on building a real  connection with Jeong TaeEul.

He finds out exactly how to best do that on this dinner too.  When Jeong TaeEul answers his question about why she wont’ believe him, she says,

“IS THAT HOW BELIEF WORKS?  I’M THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO STILL CAN’T BELIEVE THE EARTH IS ROUND.”

It’s in this part when he realizes they don’t see the world in the same way.  I like how he doesn’t force her to believe him just because he believes it, doesn’t guilt her into seeing things his way.  You know how most people would go, this is how I see it. why cant you see it my way? Nope. He shuts up.  He listens to her and understands that she needs to see things before she can believe them, and works with that instead of trying to change her mind.

He takes on 3 tasks.  He must first convince her that he is telling the truth about his identity.  He next has to convince her that parallel worlds exist.  Once those two things are done, it will be easier for him to convince her that his feelings for her are real.   He then formulates a plan the only way a mathematician and a rower would, tailor fitting it to meet Jeong TaeEul needs.  I've written about this on a previous post, detailing how Jeaong TaeEul’s feelings for Lee Gon devloped exactly because of this method. If you’re interested, you can just scroll down my tumblr. It’s in there somewhere.

As I said, he looks at situations like a mathematical equation. If there’s a problem, there has to be a solution. A beautiful one. And his solutions are pretty simple. Patience and honesty. Every time she asks him anything about his identity and where he’s from, he will tell always tell the truth. No matter how many times she asks the same question, he will always give her the same answer.  This is why rowing is such a perfect sport for him. He makes repetitive motions, moving in a single direction and onwards until the finish line.  That’s exactly how he was with Jeong TaeEul. Keep telling the truth until she believes.  But he won’t try to force her to believe him before she’s ready and endures it every time she insults him or accuse of fictionalizing everything.

If you look at episode 3, on what’s probably their 2nd chicken and beer dinner, he tells her,  

“YOU GOT NOTHING ON MY DNA RESULTS. BUT YOU STILL CAN’T REALLY BELIEVE ME, RIGHT? SO WHO DO YOU THINK I AM? THERE IS NO INFORMATION AT ALL ABOUT ME IN THIS WORLD.”

He leans forward on the table again, making the gap between them slightly smaller. Notice that he doesn’t make the conclusion for her. He just asks her the questions. He lets her make the conclusion on her own; and gives her time until she’s ready to actually say it out loud that she believes him, which won’t be until the 5th episode.  

Having gotten no results for his DNA and fingerprints should point TaeEul towards the existence of another world where he does exist.  But keep in mind that TaeEul needs to see something before she believes it.  And no results mean no evidence. No evidence means, it’s all bullcrap form TaeEul. So when he tells her,

“I HOPE YOUR EARTH CAN BECOME ROUND SOON.”

He is saying “I know you can’t see it, but I hope you believe that my parallel world exists, and that I exist for you.”  Just like the world being round.  He’s essentially preparing her for what’s to come next. And it has nothing to do with seeing his world and him being king because those are things she will be able to see for herself.  He’s preparing her for one of the greatest leaps of faith of all time – believing in love.  It is, after all, an intangible concept. You can’t see it, you can only feel it to know it exists.

Now, when the time finally came that TaeEul got all the evidence that she needed and was finally prepared to believe him, he was still very patient with her as he answered all of her questions about her ID card that was issued exactly when he said it would be.

He goes to her, gathers her hair together in ponytail in one hand, and holds on to the side of her neck with the other, while he answered all her questions correctly, getting rid of her last excuses for not believing him.  He is literally and figuratively holding her steady, as her world kind of fell apart knowing that she had been wrong all this time.  He didn’t jump with glee or anything because he was right and she was wrong. He understood how this must have been terrifying for her and he kind of just was there for her to help her keep it together.  Then he offers her his other world, letting her decide if she wants to see it for herself.

“DO YOU WANT TO SEE FOR YOURSELF? COME WITH ME TO  MY WORLD.”

He holds her hand, pulls her to Maximus, puts both her hands on his shoulders and he puts this woman who had never watched fairy tales on a white horse fit for a prince and princess.  I swear, when snow started falling in this scene, Maximus turned into unicorn for me.  It was that magical.

Physically, you can see him become more protective of her in this instant. He closes his hand over hers. Puts her hands on his shoulders as if to tell her you can depend on me, you can trust me.  He cages TaeEul between his arms as they ride off. And even when they get to Corea, he still has her inside his arms in a protective circle, asks the guards to step back because he knows exactly how flat earther Jung TaeEul will feel in a parallel world.  

He already knows she’s a strong capable woman. But he didn’t hesitate to provide comfort and protection because he understood that even the strongest ones may need comfort and protection at times.

He does gloat here, a little.

“SEE? I WAS RIGHT, WASN’T I?”

Still on his horse, he leans closer to her, almost speaking right into her ear. His lips quite possibly less than two inches away from her earlobe.  I mean…if I was Kim Goeun I’d be shivering with want. But of course, she’s very busy taking in the fact that a parallel world exists so maybe her libido is in the backburner for now.  But when she turns her head to face him, and it was , quite possibly, the sweetest, most electrifying non kiss kiss ever.

Now at this point, he seems to have ticked off all his tasks. Convinced her he’s a king. Convinced her that a parallel world exist. Now the next thing to do is to convince her that his feelings, 25 years in the making, are real.  

Part 2: Love of a Monarch with a Scar

But how real are his feelings?  Because the Jeong TaeEul he’s now with is very different from whatever he imagined Jeong TaeEul to be when he was 8 years old! That’s actually the first thing he had to confront the moment he met TaeEul at Gwanghwamun Square.  After they bicker and he insults her intelligence by asking,

“IT SEEMS YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT A PARALLEL WORLD IS. DID YOU NOT STUDY SCIENCE?”

He finally observes something about her.  He says,

“IS THIS WHAT YOUR PERSONALITY IS LIKE? I HAVE NEVER IMAGINED IT. I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE SOFTER.  THIS IS NEW.”

And this signals to the audience that he is aware that the Jeong TaeEul he had imagined and possibly loved for the last 25 years is different from the real Jeong TaeEul.  He might have arrived at the scene loving only the idea of TaeEul but as soon as the 2nd episode, he takes it upon himself to actually educate himself on all things Jeong TaeEul, setting aside all of his built up notions about her.

In the precinct, even in the midst of his interrogation, he takes the time to really look at her and come to a decision that she “LOOKED BETTER IN REAL LIFE.” So that’s great right, he prefers the 3 dimensional version of her as opposed to a picture. And then when TaeEul finally released him from jail, he reveals that he has already pumped Eunsup for information about her life.  He is making sure that he gets to know her right from the get go.  It was also on the 2nd episode that he went to the library to get to know her world’s history.  He looked up the poet  Kim SoWol and bought his book before going back to his world, just because TaeEul randomly quoted him during their conversation in the bamboo forest in episode 3.

Now he didn’t completely let go of his imagined version of a TaeEul because he did manage to get a short glimpse of a softer TaeEul during their early days together.  Time had to stop before he could see this softer side of hers because at this point, she still didn’t believe anything he said and was less likely to trust him enough to show him her softer side.  So when time stopped, that was the first time he got to see the TaeEul he had imagined all this time.  It was just there, buried underneath the hard, flat-earther exterior. He just had to wait til the 9th episode to finally see this softer, sweeter side of hers.

He also asks her important questions like, “Why did you become a detective?” which is essential when you’re trying to get to know someone. You ask them about their dreams to get an idea about the kind of person they are. Now, when TaeEeul answers,

“NOT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD CAN BE BRAVE.  SO I DECIDED TO BECOME BRAVE.”

it absolutely fascinated him. For someone who’s had his life set for him the moment he was born, the fact that someone can make a choice about which direction to take their lives must have amazed him. He admires this trait, that she can make a decision to be a cop just like that.

Notice also that she didn’t say, “I am brave so I joined the police force.” She said, I DECIDED TO BECOME BRAVE.”  If you look at Lee Gon, the kind of decisions he tends to make are what to do. Do I leave for my home? Do I stay a little bit more? Do I give her my name?  But the one thing TaeEul shows him is that he can make decisions on what kind of person he wants to be, just as she did.  So as he’s getting to know her, learning her, he’s also learning from her.

Why is this important? Because his identity is tied to him being a King. There’s a flashback of his time with his father on episode 4 where the father talks about the duties of a king. He asks, 

“DO YOU THINK YOU CAN FULFILL THIS CALLING, GON?” 

So it’s all about performing a duty that is attached to the title of King. CAN YOU DO IT?  It is never about what kind of King do you want to be? Which makes this part very important.

After she talks about her own dreams and what she wanted for herself, she asks him,

“SO THAT’S MY STORY. TELL ME WHAT KIND OF KING YOU ARE. A YOUNG, HANDSOME, AND RICH KING?”

This question appears to pleasure him, as much as bother him.  He answers,

“A ROWER, MATHEMATICIAN, A WELL-GROWN ORPHAN, AND THE OWNER OF THE FOUR TIGER SWORD. A KING WHO HAS NEVER BEEN ASKED SUCH A QUESTION AND TRYING HIS BEST NOT TO PANIC.”

This is her asking him, “How have you been doing as a king so far?”  How are you?  A question on his well being as a king.  Like whenever he returns to her from his world, he always asks how she has been and if she’s been well.  It appears to have the same effect on him.  It pleases him to know that she wants to know he has been doing.

But then, he also has no idea how to answer her question. And this makes him panic.

Since no one ever bothered to ask him what kind of person, what kind of King did he want to be, he never thought about it.  He just simply accepted that he was a king and had to fulfill the duties that came with it.  It probably never occurred to him that he can decide what kind of king he wanted to be.  It wasn’t just a job, which I suspect is how he sees it.  That’s why he likes escaping from time to time when it becomes too much.  But here was Jeong TaeEul, teaching him how to be a better King because being a cop is so much more than just a job for TaeEul.  Lee Gon is slowly becoming a better King, just by talking to TaeEul.  Imagine how much more glorious he would become once he gives himself fully to her, and she reciprocates that love?  

Ironically though, this love that taught him how to choose to brave is the same love that he has to give up when he finally chooses to be a brave King and save both worlds. But, we still have one more episode so that’s still up in the air.

Now, let’s go back to simpler times when their only problem was themselves and their own trust issues.  So as I said, he makes great effort to really get to know her and once he was able to tell apart the Jeong TaeEul in his imagination and the Jeong TaeEul in reality, he lets her know that he much prefers the real version of  TaeEul.   At the end of episode two, he tells her,

“YOU’RE ALWAYS BUSY AND YOU DON’T CARE MUCH FOR ME. BECAUSE OF YOU, I’M POWERLESS HERE. BUT IT’S FINE.  YOU ARE MUCH MORE AMAZING THAN I HAD IMAGINED.

This moment was especially pitiful because he said this after revealing to her that he felt hurt that she kept leaving him when she’s the only person he knows in this world.  But even through his hurt feelings, he is able to understand why she does this.  He understands that she’s busy, that she has a life, and that to her, he was simply just a stranger.  So if we jump to episode 8, when TaeEul asks him if he would have fallen for her if she had been rude and decided not to help him, Lee Gon really wasn’t lying when he said,

“I WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD AND THAT UNDERSTANDING WOULD HAVE LED ME TO FALL FOR YOU.”

Because he was already doing it as early as the 2nd episode.   She had just upset him and there he was, understanding why and still finding her amazing despite it all.   He tells her this in what seems like a love confession, at first, but it really isn’t.  When he compares her to the number Zero, he’s essentially saying that she alone can make him weak but at the same time, has the power to give him strength. And that whenever he felt trapped, she was the only one had the power to save him – like that night of treason.  He was seeing firsthand the effect she has on him.  And he sees that

she already has this much power and influence over him even without an established relationship.   That’s how much power he has handed to her by the simple fact that he has hung on to her existence for the last 25 years.  

This was not a confession of love but somehow, it feels heavier than that.  I appreciate how he didn’t rush to say the words I love you to her at this moment, but instead chose to show her what she meant to him.

I feel like saying I love is sometimes a cop out, you know. I’m just gonna lump all these feelings for you together and call it love.  But Lee Gon does not do that. He constantly reveals to her how she affects him. He is constant in allowing himself to be vulnerable and honest with how he feels for her.

“YOU LOOK BETTER IN REAL LIFE” is attraction.

“WHY ARE YOU TYING YOUR HAIR? DON’T TIE YOUR HAIR,” is a marked preference for the TaeEul in real life because the TaeEul in his imagination has her hair gathered in a low ponytail.

“DON’T GO. IT TOOK 25 YEARS FOR ME TO MEET YOU.  I HOPE TODAY WILL BE A LONG DAY,” is him begging, or bargaining for more time with her after having pined after her for so long. And he doesn’t hide the fact that he has pined for her for a long time.

“THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. BECAUSE YOU EXISTED SOMEWHERE, I WAS LESS LONELY FOR THE PAST 25 YEARS,” is deep gratitude.  Just the thought of her somewhere brought him comfort in his lonely life and that’s a powerful thing.  Most people depend on an actual presence of a person for them to be significant enough in their life.  But for Lee Gon, just the idea of her had been enough.

“THAT’S COOL, LT. JUNG TAE EUL,” is open admiration for her character and spirit.

But I think what really drove it home for me, and also my favorite declaration of devotion, is when he said, “I IMAGINED BRINGING YOU HERE LOTS OF TIMES BEFORE” when she asked him why he looked so calm after bringing her into the palace and the entire staff erupted in disarray.  It is a very simple line, but so naked in its honesty. And Lee MinHo delivers it with the glee of a child who opens his gift on Christmas  morning, gets exactly what he wants, and proceeds to tell his parents thank you because he’s dreamed of it all year long and now it’s his.  Except for Lee Gon, he’s dreamed of it for 25 years already.  Just the weight of that longing is flabbergasting.  Can you imagine anyone loving you this much?

However, for all of Lee Gon’s openness about how he feels for TaeEul, I don’t think he ever fully allowed her into his world until the 6th episode. And this is because of the 3 rules he has always abided by when it comes to himself and all three are rooted in his trauma from that night of treason in 1994.

He doesn’t eat food that hasn’t been tasted beforehand.

No one touches his body.

No one can call him by his name.

Now the first two are broken as early as the 1st and 2n d episode.  TaeEul cuffs him at Gwanghwamun Square and once more back in the precinct.  Then on the 3rd episode, she tapped Lee Gon on the shoulder on her way to the restroom. By this time, he’s not even protesting when she touches him, he even welcomes it now.  And this is growth for him, considering the last time someone touched him in such close proximity, he almost died.  And on their first dinner together, he actually surrenders that rule willingly, using that point to tell her what the idea of her has done to comfort him for the last 25 years.

But his last rule, the one rule he clung steadfastly to, was the one that did not allow anyone to call him by his name.  He consistently refused to give her his name in the first 4 episodes, and even when he finally did give it to her at the start of the 5th episode, he still stuck to the rule.  He gave her his name, but she is still not allowed to use it.

Now, on episodes 5 and 6, we see him on uber boyfriend mode. He’s like a kid who finally got a puppy. Here, let me take care of you. Here let me feed you. Here let me give you alcohol. Here let me kiss you. Here let me pick you up when you’re stranded. Let me play with your hand and show everyone how I feel about you. Let me pat your head to comfort you when you’re lonely.

He’s basically a giver. Let me love you. But the danger in being with someone like this is that they control what part of them you’re getting, because they pick and choose, very frequently, so you never feel like you’re lacking for any affection. But you’ll never know the full extent of what they’re giving and holding back because they won’t let you in. And he hasn’t. At least, not completely.

TaeEul had to find out the whole deal with Lee Lim and the night of treason by google searching Lee Gon and his family.  When he tells her,

“I GUESS YOU NOW KNOW WHAT ROOT YOU ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF.  IT’S MY HELL AND MY HISTORY THAT WAS ENGRAVED ON MY BODY BY THE GREED OF THE PERSON THAT KILLED MY FATHER AND STRANGLED ME.”

he simply confirms what she found out. But he didn’t offer the story himself. No matter how vulnerable he is with everything else, this source of his trauma is still something he struggles with.  And the way that he clings to the rule that his name must never be called by anyone is a manifestation of this.

Names are deeply personal and the people who are close enough to him to say it out loud are both dead.  So since he was 8, his name has never been called.  He has always existed as Pyeha to everyone and this safe distance  has guaranteed him safety.  No one will ever get close enough to try and murder him like his uncle did. But this also afforded him great loneliness. Because Pyeha is only a title but being King has swallowed up his entire existence.  That’s why he panicked when TaeEul asked him what kind of King he was.  That’s why the idea of his purpose for surviving that night still evades him.  Because if he doesn’t know who he is beyond the title of Pyeha, or King, it’s going to be hard to find out his purpose too.

And his name is his last barrier against TaeEul.  He’s given her everything, except for the right to call him by his name.  But she doesn’t wait for it. She punches right through his wall when she said,

“I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN, LEE GON.”

And he is left there, dumbfounded, because she dared.  He says,

“I THOUGHT MY NAME WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CALLED. BUT I GUESS IT WAS SUPPOSED TO CALLED ONLY BY YOU.”

And with this, by calling him by his name, she is now the person closest to him. And the impact that this had on him was huge.  He’s been an orphan since he was 8 and no one has probably called his name with love until now.  She just blasted his whole world wide open. And this, I think, must have been the moment when Lee Gon fell in love with Jeong TaeEul, completely, helplessly, and fiercely.

[solcheeky]

break a leg arm

summary: mark breaks his arm and a cast is all he needs as an excuse to get you to do everything for him

warnings: mature content insinuated, strong language

a/n: I literally went thru a heck load of his tweets to see what he was like through text lmfao also this is a remake! insp from sheep

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[1 Missed Call] broccoli johnny 8:56PM

[New Message] from broccoli johnny 9:00PM, hey

[broccoli johnny] 9:00PM, I know its kind of late but

[broccoli johnny] 9:01PM, mark’s in the ER right now, you busy?

[you] 9:05PM, wtf

[you] 9:05PM, where

[you] 9:05PM, why

[broccoli johnny] 9:06PM, nothing serious dw

[broccoli johnny] 9:06PM, we’re in seoul national

[you] 9:07PM, okay im coming

[broccoli johnny] 9:07PM, mind coming over?

[broccoli johnny] 9:08PM, oh

[broccoli johnny] 9:08PM, lol cool cool

[broccoli johnny] 9:08PM, just text me when you get here :-)

[you] 9:34PM, I’m here where are you?

[broccoli johnny] 9:35PM, hold on

[broccoli johnny] 9:35PM, jae cant get his drink out of the vending machine

[broccoli johnny] 9:35PM, we’ll meet u in the lobby in a sec

[you] 9:36PM, jaehyun you are a grown man

[broccoli johnny] 9:36PM, jae said hes not going to share his drink with you now

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[New Message] from lioncub 11:45PM, Sorry for making you worry haha and thank you for coming over so fast

[lioncub] 11:45PM, You home ssfe yet?

[lioncub] 11:45PM, *Safe

[lioncub] 11:46PM, Damn this whole cast on my arm thing is really getting in the way haha

[you] 11:46PM, always<3 and yea I am :) you?

[lioncub] 11:46PM, Yeah, everyone’s in bed. Johnjae’s about to leave

[you] 11:46PM, nice

[you] 11:47PM, tell jaehyun that I hope he falls over

[lioncub] 11:48PM, Woah hahahaha

[lioncub] 11:48PM, Is this because he didn’t share his drink with you?

[you] 11:48PM, it was the last one left >:( and the traitor drank it all >:((

[lioncub] 11:50PM, Haha

[you] 11:50PM, >:(

[lioncub] 11:51PM, You’re so cute 

[you] 11:51PM, wow you type so slow

[lioncub] 11:51PM, I brokr my ar, !!!

[you] 11:51PM, yikes

[lioncub] 11:52PM, Dude dp you want me to type fast or not?

[you] 11:52PM, you’ll make mistakes either way👀

[lioncub] 11:52PM, *Do

[lioncub] 11:53PM, Hahaha very funny lool

[lioncub] 11:54PM, Come on babr

[lioncub] 11:54PM, *Basbr 

[lioncub] 11:54PM, *Babve

[lioncub] 11:54PM, Damn. *babe

[you] 11:54PM, just. don’t text me anymore . 

[lioncub] 11:55PM, Wait what !!!!!

[lioncub] 11:55PM, But my cast wont br off for weeks!!

[lioncub] 11:56PM, Babe !

[lioncub] 11:56PM, D: !!

[you] 11:56PM, I meant that like..... ‘call me’ you dummy

[lioncub] 11:57PM, Oh

[lioncub] 11:57PM, Oops 

[Incoming Call] lioncub 11:58PM

-

[New Message] from marks arm 1:12PM, They left me at home :/

[marks arm] 1:12PM, All alone

[marks arm] 1:13PM, And I’m bored :/

[marks arm] 1:13PM, Bee

[marks arm] 1:13PM, Oh

[marks arm] 1:14PM, Are

[marks arm] 1:14PM, D

[marks arm] 1:14PM, b o r e d

[marks arm] 1:15PM, Babe

[marks arm] 1:15PM, Babe?

[marks arm] 1:15PM, Ba b e

[Missed Video Call] marks arm 1:17PM

[you] 1:21PM, oh shit sory just came out yhe shower

[marks arm] 1:22PM, Oh lool sorry

[marks arm] 1:22PM, You going out somewhere?

[marks arm] 1:23PM, OH are you coming over? :0

[you] 1:23PM, huh? no

[you] 1:23PM, lmfao gotta go to the supermarket

[marks arm] 1:24PM, Is that code for my dorm?

[you] 1:24PM, uh

[you] 1:24PM, what

[marks arm] 1:25PM, Super-MARK-et

[marks arm] 1:25PM, 😏😏😏 

[you] 1:25PM, …………

[marks arm] 1:26PM, Dude. You can’t tell me that wanst funny

[you] 1:26PM, …………………… 

[marks arm] 1:26PM, Comn on man. That was pretty funny!!!

[marks arm] 1:27PM, *Wasn’t *Come

[marks arm] 1:27PM, 😏😏😏 ???

[you] 1:27PM, I’m not coming over just because you made a ‘good’ joke

[marks arm] 1:28PM, Hahahahaha! babe please!!

[marks arm] 1:28PM, I’m so fucking bored~

[marks arm] 1:28PM, I have thid dumbass cast on now and the boys wont be back till waaayy later

[marks arm] 1:29PM, *This

[marks arm] 1:30PM, It’s not like I can take the cast off. But you can keep me company!!

[marks arm] 1:30PM, Pretty please🥺

[you] 1:30PM, but I gotta go shop D:

[marks arm] 1:31PM, Oh right. yeah lol

[marks arm] 1:31PM, but you can come over after?😏

[you] 1:31PM, hmmmmmm

[marks arm] 1:32PM, No one’s home😏 and

[marks arm]1:32PM, and Iwanttohugyou

[marks arm] 1:33PM, Plus I promise I won’t hug you with my casr haha

[marks arm] 1:33PM, *Cast

[you] 1:33PM, cute

[marks arm] 1:34PM, Did.. Did you not just hear what I said?

[marks arm] 1:34PM, No one’s home !!!

[you] 1:35PM, fine :[

[you] 1:35PM, but after I shop :>

[marks arm] 1:36PM, Alright nice haha. After you shop. Got it !

[New Message] from marks arm 1:45PM, Can you get me snacks??

[marks arm] 1:49PM, You can’t just leave me on read !!!!

-

[you] 8:03PM, can’t believe I bought you snacks for that

[marks arm] 8:04PM, It was the cast!! I swear !!

[marks arm] 8:04PM, You weren’t the only one uncomfortable >:( I can’t hold myself up over you when my arm is broken lool

[you] 8:05PM, I’m taking your lap next time🙄

[marks arm] 8:05PM, Oh woah

[you] 8:06PM, ‘woah’ what?

[marks arm] 8:06PM, :0

[marks arm] 8:06PM, Woah nothing. Hahahaha

[you] 8:06PM, okay well,,, save your lap for me next time

[marks arm] 8:07PM, lol okay

[marks arm] 8:07PM, Next time.

[marks arm] 8:07PM, I like that

-

[New Message] from marker 2:20AM, You awake?

[you] 2:21AM, no

[marker] 2:21AM, Oh okay nevermind then

[you] 2:22AM, …

[you] 2:22AM, uh mark

[marker] 2:23AM, Wait a minute

[you] 2:23AM, there we go😂😂

[marker] 2:23AM, ;/

[you] 2:23AM, LOL whats up? its 2am🤔dont you have to go studio in the morning🤔

[marker] 2:24AM, Yeah :/ but my arm hurts ;/

[you] 2:24AM, badly?

[marker] 2:25AM, Mhm :(

[marker] 2:25AM, I cant sleep :(( it hurts :/ like actually really hurts

[you] 2:25AM, lemme get back to you in 7 years after I get my doctors licence

[marker] 2:26AM, Hahahahahahaha

[marker] 2:26AM, Can you get back to me in 3secs as my bestfriend instead?

[you] 2:26AM, touché

[marker] 2:26AM, Haha

[marker] 2:27AM, Let me video call you?

[you] 2:27AM, doyoung is asleep though

[marker] 2:27AM, Yeaahh

[marker] 2:28AM, But I wantf to see you :(

[you] 2:28AM, you saw me today ?

[marker] 2:28AM, It wasnt enough :(

[you] 2:29AM, are you okay??

[marker] 2:29AM, Yeah! I am! I just

[marker] 2:29AM, idk

[marker] 2:29AM, Seeing you makesd me feel better

[you] 2:29AM, cute

[marker] 2:29AM, Shutup man

[marker] 2:30AM, Just let me call youuu

[you] 2:30AM, hm

[you] 2:31AM, fine

[you] 2:31AM, this is my way of making up for my lack of a doctors licence

[marker] 2:31AM, hahahahahahahaha

[marker] 2:31AM, I’m gonna wake up doyoung laughing like this

[you] 2:32AM, lmao pls dont blame me when he whoops your ass in the morning

[marker] 2:32AM, I wont :)

[Incoming Call] marks arm 2:33AM

-

[[theres too many ppl in this gc. mark pls exit😘]]

[doyoung]: Mark looks like a sardine that was left to dry out in the sun for 12 days

[marker]: Hey man

[marker]: Thats just mean

[fullsun]: not mean, just the truth💅🏼

[doyoung]: It’s because he was up all night talking to you know who👀

[mr peach]: exposed

[you]: mark you said doyoung was a heavy sleeper

[doyoung]: He lied.

[marker]: We werent that loud man

[nakamoto]: I could hear mark from my bedroom

[let’s winwin!]: *our bedroom

[let’s winwin!]: and no we couldn’t

[nakamoto]: I did👀

[broccolli johnny]: all yuta does is lie lmfao

[marker]: How??!!?

[marker]: Your bedroom is upstairs!!!

[junguwu]: ? I couldnt hear them ??? and I’m next door

[nakamoto]: if I was upstairs then explain to me how I heard y/n complaining about how mark farts too much🤔🤔🤔

[marker]: Oh my god

[broccoli johnny]: LMFAAAOO

[junguwu]: HAHAH HAHAHAHAH

[mr peach]: this again LOL

[you]: I still can’t believe they let you talk about marks farts in your tmi vids

[oldman]: 😂😂😂😂😂oh no

[fullsun]: the dried sardine has got some explaining to do👀

[marker]: Dude its not true!!! I swear !!!!!!

[you]: a little bit true

[doyoung]: ✋also a witness

[marker]: >:0

[marker]: Fucking betrayers!!!!!!!

[marker]: Johnny tell them its not true !!!

[broccoli johnny]: my hands are tied bro🤗

[marker]: whAT

[marker]: Jaehyun?!

[mr peach]: its not true.

[doyoung]: Way to sound believable🙄

[nakamoto]: word on the street y/n is tired of mark never saying sorry or excusing himself from farting🤧

[marker]: You guys are just big bullies man

[marker]: Sicheng man you’re the only one I have left😭

[let’s winwin!]: lol no

[fullsun]: yuta may be lying about hearing yall last night but👀

[fullsun]: the fart thing is true👀

[nakamoto]: i rest my case

[broccoli johnny]: one day mark is gonna fart and it’ll poison you all

[nakamoto]: I heard hes poisoned a couple of people already🧐

[marker]: DUDE

-

[New Message] from mark LEE 10:11AM, Hey can I ask you something?

[you] 10:12AM, sure whats up?

[you] 10:12AM, you okay?

[mark LEE] 10:13AM, So um ;//

[mark LEE] 10:13AM, My farts dont annoy you do they?

[you] 10:14AM, LOL mARK

[mark LEE] 10:14AM, What ?! what!!!!

[mark LEE] 10:14AM, I’m serious!!!

[you] 10:15AM, its been like 3 days since that conversation

[mark LEE] 10:15AM, And I havent been able to fart in front of you since!!

[you] 10:15AM, LMAAOOO MARKKKK

[mark LEE] 10:16AM, Babe I’m deadass!!!

[you] 10:16AM, yuta was just joking stupid

[mark LEE] 10:17AM, :/

[mark LEE] 10:17AM, I know

[mark LEE] 10:17AM, But

[you] 10:18AM, but?

[mark LEE] 10:18AM, I fart

[mark LEE] 10:18AM, like

[mark LEE] 10:18AM, a lot

[you] 10:19AM, omg mark

[you] 10:19AM, it doesnt matter!! I think its cute

[mark LEE] 10:19AM, What?!

[you] 10:19AM, when you fart youre cute

[you] 10:20AM, when you sneeze youre cute

[you] 10:20AM, when you talk youre cute

[you] 10:20AM, even when you just breathe youre fucking cute

[you] 10:20AM, I dont care about your farts

[mark LEE] 10:21AM, You’re weird

[you] 10:21AM, ask the groupchat if you dont believe me

-

[[theres too many ppl in this gc. mark pls exit😘]]

[marker]: Anyways guys

[junguwu]: ya

[marker]: Am I cute?

[fullsun]: no

-

[New Message] from cute idiot 9:37PM, Where are you?

[cute idiot] 9:37PM, Babe

[cute idiot] 9:37PM, The bath is gonna get cold man

[you] 9:40PM, we got a problem

[cute idiot] 9:40PM, What? No lighter? Not even matchsticks?

[you] 9:40PM, johnjae are here

[cute idiot] 9:41PM, !???!?!?!?!!!

[cute idiot] 9:41PM, whAT

[cute idiot] 9:41PM, Like in the dorm here?!?!??

[you] 9:41PM, yea you dummy

[cute idiot] 9:41PM, Shit whAT

[you] 9:42PM, wtf happened to ‘no one is coming home till late today’ !???!!

[cute idiot] 9:42PM, I

[cute idiot] 9:42PM, I DIDNT KNOW I SWEAR OMG

[cute idiot] 9:42PM, wHAT DID U SAY TO THEM

[you] 9:43PM, I look like a psycho mark

[cute idiot] 9:43PM, tHATS WHAT YOU SAID?

[you] 9:43PM, nO

[you] 9:44PM, they caught me… in the kitchen…. going through the drawers

[you] 9:44PM, with just your tshirt on…

[you] 9:44PM, my hair is wet af mark

[cute idiot] 9:45PM, oh god

[you] 9:45PM, how was i supposed to explain myself ?!

[you] 9:45PM, tell them my hair is wet because I just climbed out of the bath i was sharing with their roommate ?!!?

[you] 9:45PM, tell them i needed something to light the candles beside the fucking bubble bath ?!??

[cute idiot] 9:45PM, Shit shit shit

[you] 9:46PM, and all because you couldnt get out of the tub without injuring your broken-arm ??!

[cute idiot] 9:46PM, Oh my gof

[cute idiot] 9:46PM, Please tell me that is not what you said

[cute idiot] 9:46PM, Oh my god

[cute idiot] 9:46PM, This is so embarrassing

[cute idiot] 9:47PM, Dude

[cute idiot] 9:47PM, Why arnet you answering?!?!

[cute idiot] 9:47PM, What the fuc do I do

[you] 9:48PM, hold on theyre talking to me

[cute idiot] 9:48PM, I’m freakinghout

[you] 9:48PM, apparently theyre back early because they need to go prerecord nct nightnight

[you] 9:48PM, johnny needed to pick something up on the way

[cute idiot] 9:48PM, Oh god

[cute idiot] 9:48PM, Whdt do I do?!

[cute idiot] 9:48PM, Do I getr out!?

[you] 9:49PM, told them you were showering

[cute idiot] 9:49PM, Shit

[cute idiot] 9:49PM, Okay I’m turning on the shower

[cute idiot] 9:49PM, You know

[cute idiot] 9:49PM, For soubnd effects

[cute idiot] 9:49PM, Shit man shitr

[cute idiot] 9:49PM, wait

[cute idiot] 9:49PM, wb you?!

[cute idiot] 9:50PM, You didn’t dry yourself. Dude you didn’t even bring a towel

[cute idiot] 9:50PM, Hwo you gonna explain

[you] 9:51PM, told them your dumbass slipped

[you] 9:51PM, and I had to help you because of your arm

[you] 9:51PM, wait brb

[cute idiot] 9:51PM, Nooo dont brb me

[cute idiot] 9:52PM, I feel exposed now

[cute idiot] 9:52PM, Oh my god

[cute idiot] 9:52PM, This is the worst

[cute idiot] 9:52PM, This is the WORST 

[cute idiot] 9:53PM, Babe?

[you] 9:57PM, okay theyre gone😪😪

[cute idiot] 9:57PM, Thank god

[cute idiot] 9:57PM, Did they believe you?

[you] 9:58PM, I fucking hope so

[you] 9:58PM, I’m coming back

[cute idiot] 9:58PM, Be quick ;/ I kinda made a mess

-

[[foreign swaggers💯💯💯]]

[sexy boi ten]: just out of curiosity🧐

[sexy boi ten]: who here loves bubble baths?

[johns banana]: hmmmmmm idk man🤔 good question🤔

[jeffrey]: 😂😂😂

[kark]: Oh my god

[sexy boi ten]: I think one of us is a bubble bath enthusiast

[sexy boi ten]: but I just cant put my finger on it🧐

[kark]: Can’t believe you told ten

[johns banana]: told him what🤔🤔

[kark]: Don’t lie to me bro

[sexy boi ten]: i think youre the only one lying here

[kark]: 😨😨😨

[kark]: Jaehyun please help me

[jeffrey]: I heard there were candles

[kark]: 😧

[johns banana]: candles ?! 🤔 oh gasp🤧

[sexy boi ten]: so this is what you get up to when no ones around

[kark]: hahahaha noooo

[kark]: youre making it sound super weird man !!

[jeffrey]: lmfaaooo

[sexy boi ten]: this whole broken limb thing doesnt seem so bad now

[kark]: we didnt /do/ anything

[sexy boi ten]: why?😏 were you supposed have done something? 😏😏

[kark]: hahaha oh my god

[johns banana]: what are you tryna say mark🤗

[kark]: dude !!!!!!!

[kark]: youre all making this way weirder than it already is man

[jeffrey]: arent you the one making it weird?

[sexy boi ten]: johnny break my arm so i can get a bubble bath

[johns banana]: you dont have a girlfriend

[sexy boi ten]: i know

[sexy boi ten]: but i could have a boyfriend

[jeffrey]: you dont have a boyfriend either

[sexy boi ten]: then can you run me a bubble bath instead😘😘😘😘

[kark]: what

[johns banana]: depends… do I get to join

[kark]: wHAT

[johns banana]: I’ll be the mark to your y/n

[jeffrey]: this is going in my TMI

-

[New Message] from marks arm 4:15PM, They keep teasing me about the bath thing

[you] 4:15PM, so no more baths together?

[marks arm] 4:16PM, I didn’t say that........

-

[New Message] from bunny doyoung 6:47PM, Change of plans

[bunny doyoung] 6:47PM, He’s already on the way to yours

[you] 6:48PM, what?!

[you] 6:48PM, I was about to leave

[bunny doyoung] 6:49PM, Sorry I couldnt stop him

[bunny doyoung] 6:49PM, Said there’s too many of us in the dorm at the moment lmao

[bunny doyoung] 6:50PM, He’s such a kid

[you] 6:50PM, ffs mark

[you] 6:51PM, thanks do

[bunny doyoung] 6:51PM, Of course

-

[you] 6:53PM, mark wth

[you] 6:53PM, doyoung said youre coming here

[marks eggs] 6:55PM, Sorry baby

[marks eggs] 6:55PM, It’s way too hectic back there

[you] 6:56PM, you know I dont mind

[marks eggs] 6:56PM, I do this time

[marks eggs] 6:57PM, I want alone time with you

[you] 6:57PM, but I made food for the boys

[marks eggs] 6:57PM, I’ll eat it all :)

[you] 6:58PM, marrrrrkk

[marks eggs] 6:58PM, Too late I’m outside

[marks eggs] 6:58PM, Open up

-

[New Message] ty track 1:00AM, He’s not coming back tonight is he?

[you] 1:01AM, defo not

[you] 1:01AM, hes asleep on my lap atm

[ty track] 1:02AM, Sigh

[ty track] 1:02AM, Fine, make sure he wakes up early

[ty track] 1:03AM, He has to be back by 7am, we have a shoot in the morning

[you] 1:03AM, okay sure thing

[ty track] 1:03AM, Get some rest too

[you] 1:04AM, thanks tae you too💚

[ty track] 1:04AM, Goodnight💚

[you] 1:05AM, night :)

-

[[dreamies but not rlly]]

[pudu]: what time did you say you were going to come over again?

[you]: before 10 why?

[pudu]: because marks trying to break up renjun and jaemin from wrestling

[pudu]: with one arm

[jenojam]: is that what all that yelling is?

[you]: hyuck

[you]: why are you texting me when you can help him out

[pudu]: y/n thats a dumb question and you know it

[dolphinle]: such a dumb question

[you]: why arent any of you doing anything????????

[pudu]: why dont you just come over sooner ^^

[you]: hyuck I cant I’m running errands atm

[dolphinle]: see y/n is running errands hyung

[you]: thanks chenle

[pudu]: shutup chenle

[you]: wheres jisung

[jisung park]: staying out of the mess

[you]: good.

[you]: one less dreamie to worry about

[jisung park]: youre welcome

[pudu]: okay they stopped play fighting :/

[jenojam]: because mark says his arm hurts

[you]: you guys are the worst

[pudu]: *best

[moomin]: you guys are snitches

[dolphinle]: and snitches get stitches

[jaemin<3]: renjun broke my neck

[moomin]: did not

[moomin]: your stupid neck happened to fall into my hands

[pudu]: LMAOO

[jaemin<3]: :0 can u believe this

[you]: is mark okay?

[jenojam]: no

[mark sucks]: Yes

[mark sucks]: hahahaha just carry on with your errands and come at 10 I have this unser contrl

[mark sucks]: *Under

[mark sucks]: *Control

[pudu]: HAHA what lies

[jisung park]: hyung doesnt have anything under control

[jaemin<3]: youre not going to ask if I’m okay? :(

[moomin]:  jaemin ur still breathing right?

[moomin]: yea thats what I thought

[dolphinle]: ye thats what he thought

[jaemin<3]: I didnt even say anything yet!!

[pudu]: LMFAAOO

[you]: jeno help

[jenojam]: je-no thank you

-

[[theres too many ppl in this gc. mark pls exit😘]] 

[tytrack]: well then who was it?

[nakamoto]: I think johnny was the last one to use the vacuum

[marker]: Babe can you pick up a box on the way ;/ we ranm out lastr night

[nakamoto]: .................

[fullsun]: well okay. this was fun. g2g. forever. ✌️✌️✌️

[doyoung]: Only mark would do this.

[nakamoto]: 🤡🤡🤡🤡

[doyoung]: Seriously only mark.

[marker]: Shit!!!

[marker]: Fucvbk man

[you]: wrong chat you fat loser

-

[canada mark] 7:00PM, Shit baby I’m so soryr

[you] 7:00PM, you’re the biggest dummy😂😂😂

-

[[theres too many ppl in this gc. mark pls exit😘]] 

[junguwu]: a box of what?

[tytrack]: what the fuck mark

[junguwu]: oh

[marker]: Dude I didn’t mean to!!! 

[broccoli johnny]: this is why he left the dorm so quick lmfao

[marker]: Baby I’m so so so sorry I’ll make it up for you tonight

[junguwu]: :0

-

[you] 7:05PM, wRONG CHAT AGAIN STUPID

[canada mark] 7:05PM, FCUK

-

[[theres too many ppl in this gc. mark pls exit😘]] 

[nakamoto]: jc mark🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

[fullsun]: can we push the gc name into full gear now?

[fullsun]: it’s no longer a joke. 

[marker]: IM IN SO MANY GROUPCHATS ITS HARD OKAY

-

[you] 7:07PM, you’re lucky you have a broken arm or else 

[canada mark] 7:08PM, Dude I’m so sorry. Like really.

[canada mark] 7:08PM, I was rushing in case you left the store already ;/ sorry :(

[canada mark] 7:08PM, I’ll do whatever you want ! promise.

[you] 7:09PM, you can barely do anything with that broken arm stupid

[you] 7:09PM, its okay😂 

[canada mark] 7:09PM, Really?

[you] 7:10PM, lets just say you owe me one 

‘you changed [canada mark] to [stupid mark]’

[stupid mark] 7:11PM, Yeah okay. I deserve that one.

- 

[New Message] from stupid mark 7:24AM, Can I call you?

[stupid mark] 7:24AM, I seriously hate texting ;/

[you] 7:25AM, is it because of the wrong groupchat thing or your cast?

[stupid mark] 7:25AM, ......both lol

[you] 7:25AM, okay but I’m in bed bby its so early

[stupid mark] 7:25AM, Perfect!! then you don’t have to move ! 

[stupid mark] 7:25AM, Just close your eyes and talk to me :^)

[you] 7:26AM, you can talk to everyone else whos awake :^)

[stupid mark] 7:25AM, Everyones getting their hair done and stuff

[stupid mark] 7:26AM, And I’m handicapped let me call you.

[you] 7:26AM, wooooow ‘handicapped’ you can’t text me

[Incoming Video Call] stupid mark 7:26PM

[stupid mark] 7:2APM, Pick up!! please!!

- 

[New Message] from sore loser 11:20PM, :((((

[you] 11:21PM, mark? 

[you] 11:21PM, whats wrong?

[sore loser] 11:22PM, Do you want to come with me to the doctors get my cast off tomorrow? 

[you] 11:22PM, huh????

[you] 11:22PM, I mean yeah sure but

[you] 11:22PM, whats with the sad face?

[sore loser] 11:23PM, No! I’m happy! but sad ;/

[sore loser] 11:23PM, I get to be on stage again but ;( I can’t play damsel in distress anymore haha

[sore loser] 11:23PM, If I call you over, you’ll still come right?

[you] 11:24PM, depends.........

[sore loser] 11:24PM, See!! 

[you] 11:24PM, I’m just kidding lmao

[sore loser] 11:24PM, Oh

[sore loser] 11:24PM, So... You’ll still shampoo my hair sometimes? ;/ or like sit on my lap,,and stuff ;/// ??

[you] 11:25PM, you know I’ll do all those things regardless whether your arm is broken or not

[sore loser] 11:25PM, You’re the best 

[you] 11:25PM, plus you still owe me one :^)

[sore loser] 11:25PM, Oh yeah! I do !!

‘you changed [sore loser] to [<3]’

[<3] 11:26PM, Hahaha cute

[<3] 11:26PM, Okay :))))

[<3] 11:26PM, I’ll give you what I owe you tomorrow after we go doctors ;) <3

[you] 11:27PM, perfect

[<3] 11:27PM, Yeah, perfect :))

-

[New Message] from <3 9:34AM, Yeah, oops. Not so perfect..... omg I’m sorry

[you] 9:34AM, yeah your arm is like jelly its weird

[<3] 9:34AM, Hahahahaha

[<3] 9:34AM, In three weeks then?

[New Message] from <3 9:36AM, You can’t just leave me on read !!!!!!!!!

[You are Video Calling <3 ...] 9:36AM

[firstoperatorspyranch]

For the record I have no problem with the users of meth..as long as said users are under control.

I've had a friend before who was an avid 'tweaker' however he falls under the category of effective silent user. If he didn't let you know specifically he was using you would have never known.. he was a functional user. He used. But again you wouldnt know unless he wanted you to know.. hes a good friend.

I have been spark free minus the occasional bad coke for 6 years now.. however, to help hold my sobriety, I have a rule. Never here. Not the garage, not in tyour room, not ever. here. My house is a no drug (pot and boose ok, nothing f other without discussion..yet for years now, I've giving my roomies chance after chance after chance.

Most recent was an unfortunate between my roomie bestie and his lady. It got ugly. Like borderline dv.. da dah da dah dahh.. I said no spit here. Whole bunch of back story aside, I literally do uh n them liars today..again. like again! Been like 5 6 times now and I cut at 1.

So now I'm torn between ripping my family apart for the safety of no dope.. or bite the bullet and let them dope because they fam and wanna help..

If I turn I will lose all of everything. I have no fam, and everything I thought was dam for year now is a lie. Like blatant to my face lie..

Or I can feign innocence and just get totally used..but my god children will never have better parents..(uncle...godfather...) cause I bet you my sober ass better than a tweak who cant find his place..

I need help. I've been too close to my best friend for years, and honest he got me sober, bojt 5 years ago. Tho apparently his promise to get sober with me was total bs. He lied

Been doing my best since.. its been rough I admit it. Love the drug. But not as much as the people I love(cheesy and chliche as hell. Nut I for sober thinking my friend did too. Recently I got played hard and called em on it. Told em(as I believe) I dont mind the drug, hell I crave the drug..hence why I dont want it at my house or anyone close to me.. not because I dislike it, quite litterally because I DO like it. I know how it feels, I know what it can become I know what missing.. long story short it's not allowed at my house ever. Being usage or even storage... you wanna spin? Fine. Go somewhere else, get your spin on. Come home when your sober.. least sober enough...

Just found out that my 'brother' and his missus have been straight faced lying..again.. #5 and counting... about using meth in my house..I'm beyond mad, buy my now 2 god children are stuck..

Litterally I turn them in for the shit. Same shit I told them I would turn them in for. I'm not legally bound to the children, mum n dad go to jail and kiddos go foster unless mom n law steps up again..(now the 3rd time shes accepted kiddos from her kids I stead of dps..) or I bite the bullet and let them use the hell outta me. They barely pay rent as is, but here in the next week they both wanna outta toen for work..so instead of a 7am till 6pm(average) each day.. I will become mon thru fri, 7am montill 8 pm fri have the kiddos 24/7and beyond.. true uncle rex style..

I.. idk if I can do it any more but wont leave my god chillins high and dry. I burn them(hold true to my own) and I dont get my owed rent, and I never get to see my god childre...I decide to get burned, I have kiddos for the week, get screwed on rent, (same I have been 6 years now) get used for free babysitting (basically) and become the smear in the pants come weekend..

Fml...help?

[hellomygf]

when my own words aren’t enough

okay so you know that one direction song that’s made of other song titles, “Better Than Words”. same concept here except not really and you just listen to the lyrics of the songs LMAO. anyways sometimes the words of others can convey better what im trying to say to you so enjoy 19 songs that do so. i highlighted some of the lyrics that really made me think of you/us. click on links on then click on togepi

Love Like This - Ben Rector

“Never used to get excited to sit here in the silence Holdin' on to somethin' the way I'm holdin' you Didn't used to know how fast time walks and runs and flies by I never thought I'd feel so deeply, but damn, I do

i never knew i could feel so happy just doing the mundane things with you. walking and talking, going out for drives, sitting and eating food. time goes by so fast when im with you. i always wish time would slow down and let it stop for awhile just so i can have a couple moments of just us yeno? you make me want to spend more time with you even when we just finished spending a whole evening together. there’s so many new feelings that ive experienced since ive been with you and i cant wait to keep feeling new ones 

All I’ve Ever Known - Eva Noblezada and Reeve Carney (Hadestown)

All I've ever known is how to hold my own But now I wanna hold you, too

for the past couple years i learned how to love myself again and how to be okay with being alone. alone doesnt mean im lonely but it did mean that i had built up my walls again and letting someone in new again was so scary. you made it seem okay though. you made sure that when i was opening up to you and being vulnerable that it was okay to do so. that i wouldnt be hurt and that i was safe. i learned how to love romantically again and learned what it feels like when you arms wrap around me and hold me. it’s currently my favourite feeling and i dont think i ever want it to end

roses & sunflowers - Timmy Albert

You're a flower that's blooming every season with spring I fell in love with your roots, the whole you, everything

i mentioned before that falling in love with you was like how the seasons changed. like you know it comes but it’s always different. this isnt my first time in love but it’s most definitely something very different. a good different. im in love with every part of you. from the way you make your puns to the way you buy me things that show you care (my favourite foods, my ddr adapter, and most recently itch cream) to the way you sing in the car to me to how you tell me about your good and bad days. i love it all!

Favourite Girl - Jesse Barrera and Tori Kelly

My baby, She still drives me crazy After all this time, You better believe that Nothings greater, She still makes me better After all this time You're still my Favorite Girl

BONUS:  I remember when, You didn't know how to kiss  (hehehhe) Now you know me well, And nothing compares to this 

best girl. favourite girl! is maxbean hehe jkjk.. maybe. we both do some whack ass stuff but there’s no one else i would rather be having fun with than you! you make me better in every way. you encourage me to keep going even when days are rough. you support me on my good and bad days so im here to remind you too that im here for you always okie?

No Matter Where You Are - Us the Duo

I will stand by you Even when we fall I will be the rock, that holds you up and lifts you high so you stand tall

whatever the world throws at us, whether that be a pandemic or people who dont support us, im going to uplift you and us in every way that i can. i want to be a pillar of strength for you and show that even though am baby and that i am smol that i am a girlfriend that you can count on to show up by your side. i got your back from now till however long

Tattooed Heart - Ariana Grande

You don't need to worry about making me crazy 'Cause I'm way past that So just call me, if you want me 'Cause you got me, and I'll show you, how much I wanna be On your tattooed heart

honestly this is just one of my favourite love songs ever so i just wanted to add it into the playlist lmao

Lemonade - Jeremy Passion 

She's so beautiful, sometimes I stop to close my eyes She's exactly what I need She's my smile when I'm feeling blue She's my good night sleep when my day is through yeah

i say this all the time but i love looking at you oh my god skjskjs like YOU. ARE. LITERALLY. MY. TYPE. lmaooOOSKSKJkj. other than physically being my type you really do embody everything that i need in a partner. kind, compassionate, genuine, good communicator and listener. you make sure that i dont fall asleep sad and you make sure that im okay on my not so good days. i love you so much

I Was Made For Loving You - Tori Kelly ft. Ed Sheeran 

A stranger's hand clutched in mine I'll take this chance, so call me blind I've been waiting all my life

i took a chance on someone i really didnt know anything about but my god i think it’s the best thing that ive done 

Ger Here - Sam Smith 

I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can

this reminds me of the time you bused through a snow storm just to study with me at utsc. also just in general whenever you make the effort to come all the way here to my house just to spend time with me and even then you end up driving us downtown or to different places too. you are truly the definition of “if there’s a will, there’s a way”

goodnight n go - Ariana Grande 

Oh, why'd you have to be so cute? It's impossible to ignore you Why must you make me laugh so much? It's bad enough we get along so well Just say goodnight and go

“why do you make it so hard to say good bye” something we both always say haha. one of these days we’ll have a night together and we’ll fall asleep together and wake up together too. one day! very excited for that day where we can say good night and stay

While We’re Young - Jhene Aiko

I'm tellin' everybody you're mine and I like it And I really hope you don't mind, I can't fight it

[...]

I'm giving you my heart, please don't break it Take it and lock it up and put me in your pocket, love

i tell everyone youre my girlfriend because haha im so happy to be dating you and telling everyone you make me so happy so yeno just a subtle flex. it’s also so scary fully giving myself to someone physically, mentally, and emotionally. to trust that you will safeguard my feelings and that you wont hurt me but i know youre scared of the same thing too, i guess even more so since im your first girlfriend. i promise i’ll protect your heart too. water it, nourish it, and let it grow into something even greater

Blessed - Daniel Caesar 

And yes, I'm a mess but I'm blessed to be stuck with you

ive told you since the beginning that i didnt want to bring you into this until i could fix and improve my mental health. i think that way of thinking was me associating my ability to love with how healthy i am. that’s not fair because i am capable of loving others even when im not at my 100% best. im so very grateful that you are there with me when im dealing with my mean/negative thoughts and that you can help ground me and be there to let me ride out my sad days. 

Runnin’ Home to You (cover) - Jake Spencer 

Can't say how the days will unfold Can't change what the future may hold But, I want you in it Every hour, every minute

i can see you in my future for a long time my love. i hope you can see the same as well 

Please Keep Loving Me - James TW 

For all the mistakes I'm making, I don't mean (I don't mean them, I don't mean them) For all the little things That I fail to see

please be patient because sometimes i wont be able to get things right the first time around. i tend to be a little slow when doing things and i come quite late to events. so even on days when i may be difficult to be around, please do your best to keep loving me and i’ll do my best to make it easier again.

Nothing - Bruno Major

There's not many people I'd honestly say I don't mind losing to But there's nothing Like doing nothing With you

no need for an explanation.. -_- 3rd date. d&b. mario kart. fan... hhh but i mean guess this also applies just in general whenever we play games and i lose lmao. honestly though doing nothing with you is still so fun for me. from making puns in a grocery store, to watching movies on my couch, to watching the sunset together by the water. nothing is better than doing nothing with you :)

Teenage Dream (cover) - Boyce Avenue 

Before you met me I was alright, but things Were kinda heavy You brought me to life Now every February You'll be my Valentine, Valentine

i think this applies to both of us in a sense that we were (and still are) both dealing with some not fun stuff when we first met each other, but we have each other now to get through it together. at the time, it had already been a few months since my falling out with you-know-who and just a couple months since i had decided to get help for my mental health stuff. i remember feeling so touched when i first told you about everything because you had made the conscious effort to reassure me and soothe me by holding my hand and looking at me when i got anxious talking about it. that was the moment i knew that you would be someone special in my life and someone i wanted to keep for a long time as well.  so im hoping that next year (and for the next foreseeable years) you can be my valentine haha

Only Us - Lauren Dreyfuss and Ben Platt (Dear Evan Hansen)

I never thought there'd be someone like you who would want me So I give you ten thousand reasons to not let me go But if you really see me If you like me for me and nothing else Well, that's all that I've wanted for longer that you could possibly know

while i have grown up with some great and amazing people who have made me feel so loved. ive also grown up and have come across some not nice people as well. they made me feel like i wasn’t worth it or made me feel small and not wanted. it’s not a nice feeling being shut down when youre just trying your best to get to know others or when you talk about the things you like and people become uninterested. i guess you can say that’s what contributed to why i dont want to show my whole self yet to new people at first. im scared that i will scare them away and they wont like me. so when you, a total stranger at the time, wanted to get to know me more, genuinely enjoyed my company, and wanted to spend more time with me, i was like “wow someone new actually LIKES me for ME?”. you dont understand how much it means to me that you made the effort to get to really know me and to still make the effort now to make me feel comfortable so i can be my whole self around you. i cant thank you enough. you make me WANT to talk about what i like and share my joy with you. thank you for letting me be me.

Take on the World - You Me at Six

I can see, see the pain in your eyes Oh, believe, believe me and I have tried No I won't, I won't pretend to know what you've been through You should've known, I wish it was me, not you 

i know there’s things you dont want to talk about and things you really cant talk about. knowing all the pain and hurt youve gone through has made you tough and strong but it sucks thinking of everything that youve had to face on your own. i wish i could take that pain away from you if i could. take it, ball it up, and throw it so far away that it never hurts you again. it is so very unfortunate that the saying goes “why do bad things happen to good people”. you dont deserve any of that. a good person like you deserves a life filled with unwavering support from those around you and days filled with boundless joy. i cant change the past or what other people think of you but what i can do is to do my best to make sure that even when you are hurt that you still feel loved and you still want to fight another day. you can do it, and i’ll be with you now for every new challenge that you face. your’re not alone

She Keeps Me Warm - Miranda Lambert 

She says I smell like safety and home I named both of her eyes forever and please don't go

[...]

And I can't change, even if I tried Even if I wanted to My love, my love, my love, my love

those first two lines are just so very nice to listen to. 

you and i both know that we cant change who we are and who we love. i think we’ve both had countless nights and thoughts of wanting to be straight so we wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences of loving the same gender. i know this past month has been especially hard for you though. im here to remind you that there’s nothing you need to change about you my love. i love you just how you are. your family may not understand it yet but i hope they will. i hope they understand that you make others around you feel so welcomed and loved. that you are the most selfless person that a lot of us have met. that you stick up for those who are mistreated and that you care for them. i wish they could see just how deeply you love and i feel like ive only scratched the surface of what your love is and can be. i want them to see how much i love you too and how you have made me a better person in all aspects. my parents, my cousins, and friends have all said that they have seen me change and become a softer person. my cousins say that you compliment me in the best ways and sand down my rough edges. i hope one day soon that they see all the love that emanates from you and that they can support you at least even a little bit. i hope they can see that love is love is love and that they learn to love all aspects of you too.

[theimpressionnant]

RANT (because I don’t express  my feelings in real life)

DISCLAIMER : *i’m really bad at writing down my thoughts, so if they appear all over the place, and just messy, you know why :/*

This is also the first time i’ve ever written down my feelings, so its pretty must just a vomit of words

So 2016 and 2017 have probably been one of the worst years ever, in terms of personal and academic. 

I feel like I’ve lost myself. I don’t know who I am as a person, if that even makes sense. It’s like things have gotten so bad for me, and my expectations so high, that I’m not really the person I feel like I imagine myself to be? I like to think of myself as a smart person, but then looking at my ‘achievements’ nothing says ‘smart’. And as a result Ive kinda lost who I am as a person. Am I that smart, productive confident person I was? Or was that just a phase? At the same time, I feel like I know myself so much that I end up second guessing myself, mostly telling myself that something bad will happen, and that I wont achieve my goals. And it often, it does happen. These two years I’ve been trying to figure out who I really am, but i’ve reached no success.

And also, I cant seem to achieve anything. Putting myself down has sort of become a second nature to me. Any aspect of life I feel like i’m a failure. And to a certain extent I do believe it. Its sort of like a ‘why me’ sort of thing. Why would I succeed? Why would I be successful? ‘nothing successful happens to me, so why should I be able to achieve anything?’ And as a result, to be honest, I don’t feel like I’m going to graduate in the coming year, because I don’t see myself there. The students in my class are freaking geniuses. Im literally the dumbest person there. They’ve got all their shit together, and then there’s me. Its been stressing my out so much that I completely trashed my mid year exams, and as a result, had to sign a contract saying that if I don’t pass all my classes in the end of year exams, I’ll get kicked out of the international baccalaureate programme, because I may not be able to cope with the workload. Thing is, I feel like I can, but then i have this load of negativity on my back that I can’t shake off because I feel like everything i tell myself is true. And I dont say it out of self pity. I say this out of objectivity. I can’t handle lies like 'I will succeed’ or that ‘i’ll make it’ when I know I won’t.  And its so annoying. I wanna believe in myself. But I don’t wanna disappoint myself, and put myself even further down by telling myself that I will succeed, but then fail. Because that means i just lied to myself, just gave myself false hope. I feel like thats my biggest fear. To promise myself, or to tell myself that I’ll succeed, and then not do so. Because I’ve done that too much. Worked so hard and then failed when I told myself that I will succeed. I don’t have the emotional capacity to go through it again and again, because it makes it even more painful than it already is to just be me. I feel like I cant love myself if I fail. And i’m going to be honest. At the moment, I hate myself. I really do. Sometimes I cant bear looking at myself in the mirror, because I dont feel like looking at a stupid piece of failure. Intelligence has always been something i liked to define myself as. And I always used to define myself with it. But now i feel like nothing. Because i have noting to define myself as.  Those numbers I used to define myself as are not worth even mentioning. So I’m kinda nothing right now. 

And I know i shouldn’t define myself as my grades. But its pretty hard to do so when my whole life is determined by the number I get in the end of next year. It’s an obsession I really want to get rid of.

but Its not only me that can’t understand myself (lol what?), its others.

And I don’t say it out of 'coolness’ or 'ugh, nobody understands me’

It’s a genuine feeling of isolation.

Since was a child, I would have this really bad habit of rejecting people in general, because I feel like they hate me, even though they’ve done nothing wrong. I just feel like it’s safer to get rid of them first then have go go through the pain of being told, go away or something. Because that makes me think of myself horribly, which again, I don’t have the emotional capacity of doing. And as a result. I’ve blocked out everyone I feel like I could’ve had good connections with. And I just feel so alone lol help.

But then again I have my family, the only people I haven’t crossed out of my life (and never will) and thats better than anything. 

  Come to think of it, I kinda feel everyone hates me. Teachers, family friends, people I sometimes talk to at school. Its crazy. And the thing is, i know they probably don’t, but yet I can easily convince myself otherwise. Ask for a pen in class? Yup they hate me. Who wouldn’t? I literally asked for a pen in the middle of class. Asked what we had for homework because i was away? They probably think i’m dumb, and therefore, they hate me. Its as simple as that. But its so convincing. I don’t know how to explain it. I know it’s stupid, but I believe it. And as a result, I feel like the whole world is watching me, because they hate me. Like every move I make is being judged. Walking to next class? Eating? Walking into a shop? I’m so annoying. They must hate me. And it gets exhausting. I dont want to deal with it. Even my siblings get annoyed with my constant cringing in public places. 

But the thing is, I can’t talk to people about my personal feelings, i find it so cringe. But at the same time I want to get rid of it. Because it’s been affecting my studies a lot. And Since I’m starting year 12 very soon, I want to fix it before the stress starts. 

I don’t know, it’s just one of those things about myself that i just cant articulate.

I think its because of my general self esteem as well? Like I’ve picked up this really bad habit of never looking at my grades after a test. I remember when my grades used to be really high, i would be reaallly eager to get my grade. Expecting nothing under a 90%, and I would get just that. But now, when i get the paper back, I would just put the paper in my folder without looking at the mark, and have to prepare myself over hours to look at it, so that if i would get a bad mark i wouldn’t panic and tell myself negative things. Which AGAIN, I don’t have the emotional capacity of doing. Its gone to the extent that I haven’t opened my exam results, and they were released three weeks ago. I mean,  I haven’t been called, like other students have, about their bad results, and it’s summer holidays now, so schools done, but I feel like they’re saving the worst till last. I don’t intend on looking at my marks, because I just don’t want to disappoint my family, who think i’m a dream student. I don’t even know if I failed or passed the exams. And I studied for them like no tomorrow, but its just a fear of looking at my results. Even if i where to look at my results, I feel like nothing is enough for me. Regardless of my grades. Even if I get a reasonably good score, I’ll find an excuse to tell myself such as 'any idiot could have gotten a 97%’ or 'it was by chance (whatever the hell that means) or anything else  along those lines.

And I’ve realised how dumb I sound when i think all of these thoughts.

and so i’ve come to realisation that if I want to at least pass year 12, I really need to stop with these toxic thoughts. Because they’ve messed me up emotionally and academically.

I really miss years 2014, 2015. Those years were the best. Remembering them makes me really sad. I just miss the simplicity, grades, and good memories :)

For me, 2018 will be a year of working on myself, good grades, healthy lifestyle and just good vibes <3 Oh, and also graduation hopefully^-^

Im sorry if this is so dull. I promise I’m not as sad and depressed it looks like. Words dont show tone and facial expression lol

[vvanpiss]

oden talk i guess

i like oden, i think he’s a purposefully flawed character, the main complaint i’ve seen is how we can excuse his wild days where it was said he’d spend his time at pleasure halls at the age 6 (wasting money) and how at age 8 he’d already been drinking and fighting and engaged in... a Harem War at 15 where he’d kidnap women, but allowed them to leave if they wish- then their husbands went and fought him... and honestly with this im like.. oda...

but before that, it’d be a mistake if i didn’t mention, that in trying to help his citizens in a drought, he reformed a river (wild... like- how), however it caused flooding instead and in an attempt to run away from being arrested he tried to sail and failed, so he went and worked at the temple (that he had his harem). this is all said to us by a vassal and we see snippets of it as the story is told, but it’s never a “real flashback”. 

so we learn just what a wild person Oden was, as a child, and we’re supposed to connect to him this way??? honestly i can see where people have this strong dislike cause it’s valid as this point and it’s made even more valid when we see him eating oden over a a burning corpse at a funeral.  

but then there’s also this

just after oden says to the corpse “next time we drink in the afterlife”, there’s noble intentions in this brazen introduction of Oden desecrating that mans body, we wonder just who this man was to Oden and learn they must of had a strong connection.

Oden’s a literal storm and thinks of himself above the people, because of course he does, no can do what he does, he fought the Mountain God and WON, but he also stood up for a small punk like Kine’mon that caused the problem.

Oden really is a contradiction, the people of Wano hate him cause he causes so many problems, but also love him cause he solves them cooly~

the fact that this contradiction also lives within him is great too,

as Oden adds to his family of ruffians, he does change from the wild child we heard/saw from the beginning, even if it’s little by little! it’s lines like “you should be ashamed of yourselves! you only fear what is different out of ignorance!” that made me love Oden and it makes all the more sense when these ruffians take it upon themselves to become educated as to not embarrass him when he is invited back to Kuri.

Oden is truly folktale material (duh he’s modeled after goemon) so seeing lines dropped like this make it all the obvious to see that rules do not apply to him.

as the story diverts to Whitebeard and Roger lore... i can see where people’s approval rating of Oden drops a bit, i do believe it takes a backseat, but i cannot see how it can be written any other way, it’s important to Oden’s character as it truly opens his perspective on the world. 

then we get to Toki... i agree with some people in saying they don’t really see the chemistry between them, Oden, the guy who had a harem now has settled down with a wife and kids?? i can see the complains of how it felt rushed, i’m really waiting to see more of Toki before i say anything more, why is she so stoic/strong, what was it in Oden that made her stop jumping time, was it love or was it Oden’s determinations of the pursuit of the unknown?

now here is where i disagree with most people’s opinions, i don’t get why people hate this moment, i really don’t, the pursuit of the answer, of why did the Kouzki have this knowledge of the Poneglyph, what was his purpose and why did he meet Rodger when he did, he must go on in the journey to find out these answers and i don’t blame him for going, if i believed i could find the answer to my purpose, or better yet a response and answer to the why in the universe... and it involved leaving.. that takes strength to leave. If Oden stayed he probably would have solved the problem with Wano before it got out of hand, and we wouldn’t have the arc we have now, it is a simple “story plot device hurr durr”, but i didn’t mind it, it’s one of my favorite Oden moments. even Toki knows just who Oden is, he is looking for the answer, if he doesn’t go he wont ever know it, she urges him on, and he makes the selfish choice and damns his nation... but with that decision i can’t say it still ruined Wano, he now knows must open the borders for Joy Boy’s return, he got his answer. 

i think i’m more shocked that some people even hate this moment, before we saw the reason why, i thought “damn... just what did Kaido say to him.” THIS, this five year dance, is what marks Oden and Luffy as different (luffy just wouldn’t do this alone, i cant see it), Oden is stupid, brazen, and prideful, he didn’t confine in his family and friends cause why would Oden do that? he’s tough enough, and all he had to do was dance for 5 years and the people of Wano would be safe. though, the fact that he took the words of pirate is still odd to me, even if he did spend those years with Whitebead and the last journey of Roger, why would still take the word of a pirate like Kaido, surly he’s meet pirates just as nasty, that’s probably the oddest choice Oden has made to me. 

whether you love or you hate him, it seems there’s few who fall in the middle, in the end i really like Oden, this is the longest flashback Oda’s done at 13 chapters iirc (a whole ass volume and then some). i think it’s effective in showing how Oden was quite the living contradiction, from the stories from the people of Wano about him (a woman kidnapping nuisance), to the actual actions we see (a brash selfishness father). he has noble intentions that he keeps to himself, just like his emotions, and he is righteous in the end, even if it’s by force.

extra talk: it wasn’t till i heard it on the opp, but people call Oden a chad???? wtf... um, i hate the op reddit if that’s what it’s from yikes.

[raspberrytummytickles]

Not Your Fault

Title: Not Your Fault Fandom: Supernatural Characters: Sonny, Sam, Dean Summary: Ticklish!Sam; Sam blames himself for Dean getting arrested and having them end up at Sonny’s place for boys. Dean decides to show his brother that he is not to blame.

A/N: Heyo! So this is Part 1 of my Sonny Verse. I love the Bad Boys episode (Season 9) and I loved at the end, how Dean looked out the window at Sammy and anyway it was just adorable. (Sorry, I tend to ramble). I always loved the idea of Sam going with Dean to Sonny’s so that’s what this small verse is about! Hope you enjoy!! 

Dean never really expected to be caught. It wasn’t something that had happened before. He lost the money their father gave the boys for food in a poker game (he was still learning but damn he thought he would win). Unfortunately, that meant he had a hungry little brother waiting for him back at the motel room.

The deputy was a hard ass, grabbed Dean from behind―something you never want to do to a hunter―so Dean socked him in the eye. The deputy was a bit dramatic about it but when he tried forcing Dean in the car, all the teen could think about was Sammy. He couldn’t be away from his little brother. No matter how many years had passed, the shtriga incident still haunted his dreams so he yelled at the deputy that he needed to get his little brother.

Deputy didn’t believe him at first but humored the kid and drove him there, even knocking on the door. Sam didn’t answer because it wasn’t the secret knock. Before the deputy could drag Dean back, Dean hit the door three times before pausing and then hitting it four with a twist of the knob. Immediately, the door flew open and Sam was crashing into his big brother.

The deputy looked at them in surprise, glancing in the room to see no father. Hmmm…kid steals food, has a little brother in a disgusting motel room and an absent father. The man knew where to put these too and drove them to an old friends place. He called his homebase and explained what happened, looking in the rearview mirror. The smaller boy was curled next to the older one, quietly whispering while the older one soothed the kid instantly.

Rules were rules, the kid could go to Sonny’s but he had to wear handcuffs upon arrival (especially after the mean right hook and the disgusting call form their father). Sonny was waiting on the porch of his boys home when the deputy pulled up. The older one stumbled out, pulling on his handcuffs while the little boy clutched the leather jacket, eyes studying them. Sonny led all three to a couch in the living room where the kids took a seat and the deputy sighed.

“Thanks for doing this, Sonny.”

“It’s no problem,” The older man shrugged, gazing over the two boys. The deputy removed his sunglasses, forgetting his black eye. “What happened to ya?”

The older boy snorted, making Sonny know immediately who the culprit was.

“You think that’s funny?” The deputy snarled, the heat of anger previously left coming back full range. The smaller boy shrunk into his brother’s side.

“I think you’re slow,” The teen responded with a smirk.

“You sucker punched me!“

"You wish!”

“Enough!” Sonny broke them apart quickly, watching the deputy leave. He turned back to the kids, raising an eyebrow as the smaller one had already grabbed a paperclip and was getting his brother out of the cuffs. “So, what’d ya steal?” Sonny asked, noticing how the little brother quickly gazed upon his older sibling. 

The teen shifted under the scrutiny and looked down, “Bread and peanut butter.”

Sonny’s eyes went from the elder’s blank look to the kids surprised-quickly-turned-guilty look. Everything quickly came into perspective. He motioned the kids to follow him into the kitchen, not looking back to see if they were following.

“How do you know that we wont just run away?” The older boy asked, keeping himself in front of his little brother.

“Because you’re hungry.”

“I’m not hungry,” The boy huffed. The little boy shifted uncomfortably, looking between his brother and the man offering food.

Sonny nodded but continued to make the sandwiches, placing two perfectly good PB&J’s on a plate and sliding it toward the kids. The older teen took one and shredded the crust off, handing it to his little brother. The kid quickly munched on it, holding it close like someone was going to take it from him. The teen ate his the way it was, still hovering close and watching Sonny with narrowed eyes.

“So what are your two names?”

“I’m Sam,” The small boy said softly, smacking his lips that somehow got covered with peanut butter. Sonny snorted while his big brother rolled his eyes exasperatedly, grabbing a napkin and handing it to his baby. “He’s Dean.” Sam wiped his face with an adorable flush.

Dean gave a half wave, eyes beaming with amusement at his little brother but untrusting at Sonny.

“Well, I’m Sonny and I run this boy home.”

“Lame,” Dean muttered, wincing at Sam’s sharp nudge.

“Better than jail,” Sonny replied. “I’ll show you two your rooms. I bet you want to stay together?”

“Yes sir.”

Sonny opened the door closest to the stairs. There were two beds, a nice window seat and a huge bookcase. It was the only room with two beds; rarely anyone slept there (usually kids from sexually abused homes) but Sonny was happy to give it to the two brothers.

As they looked around their room, he had a feeling his life would be a little more interesting.

Sonny left the Winchester’s to their devices, Dean quickly checking that everything was alright in the room. Sam was staring out the window, a small frown on his face as he gazed at the trees and tweeting birds.

“Hey, kiddo, I’m sorry we’re in this mess,” Dean apologized. Sam blinked at him in surprise and shook his head.

“Dean, no, it’s my fault.”

“Your fault?” Dean narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms.

“I never should of asked for you to go on a food run. I was selfish, I’m sorry.”

“Woah,” Dean held his hands up, shaking his head. “Time out, what the hell are you talking about? Dude, I’m the one that lost the food money, not you. This one is on me, okay?”

“But―”

“No. Sammy, I mean it,” Dean warned, reaching over and poking Sam’s side. Sam yelped and jerked at the touch, pouting at Dean.

“Stop.”

“Stop what?” Dean asked, happy the somber mood lifted and poked his brother again, chuckling at the tiny giggle that escaped.

“That!”

“What’s that?”

“You know what that is!” Sam cried, stepping away when Dean poked his ribs.

“I don’t understand, Sammy, explain please,” Dean teased.

“Poking me!”

“Why?”

“Because,” Sam cringed as he realized he was between a wall and a Dean and there was literally no escape.

“Becaaaaaaaaauuuuse…?”

“It tickles!” Sam whined. As soon as the T word left his mouth, Sam doubled over as Dean latched onto his sides, digging into the ticklish flesh. “Nohoho!”

“Oh, this tickles? I didn’t realize!” Dean smiled, wiggling down Sam’s body, thumbs drilling into the thin hips. Sam shrieked, arching his body as he tried to escape.

“Dehehehean! Stohohop it!“ 

“Why? You like it don’t you?” Dean chuckled as Sam’s face flushed pink and scribbled over the hard boney hip. “You need to eat more, Sammy.”

“Ihihihisn’t that whahahahat got uhuuhus hehehere in the fihihihirst placEHEHAHA!” Sam squealed as Dean thrust his hands under Sam’s armpits, tickling the skin before the hollows and steadily moved in. “OHOHO MY GOHOHOD!”

“God cant save you from the Tickle Monster, Sammy! And he just wants to eat you up!” Dean easily lifted his baby brother up and threw him onto one of the beds before straddling the giggling mess. “Roar! Imma get you!”

“Nohoho Dehehe!” Sam giggled, batting weakly at Dean’s hands as they tickled his hollows lightly.

“Who is this De you speak of? He sounds handsome,” Dean joked. “I am the Tickle Monster, kiddo. And he needs you to lift your arms so he can move on…unless you like it here.” Dean dug into the ticklish pits, relishing in the scream that escaped Sam before the kid dissolved into high pitched laughter.

Sam tried to catch his breath as Dean slowed the tickles to light scratches. He lifted his arms an inch before slamming them back down as the hard tickling returned with vigor.

“NOHOHOHO! T-TIHIHICKLE MOHOHONSTEHEHER! STOHOHOP!”

Dean nearly cooed at how adorable his brother looked; face flushing dark pink with his nose scrunched, eyes squeezed shut and mouth wide open as happy laughter exited. 

“Tickle Monster is hungry Sammy-Sam. I think he needs some feeding!”

“Ahahaha he-he just ahahate!” Sam protested weakly as Dean pulled his hands free and skitted his nails over Sam’s clothed torso till it reached the end of the shirt, pulling it up to the baby Winchester’s chest. Sam’s hands tried once again to grab at Dean’s but Dean easily brushed the hands away, making them sit on his shoulders.

“Yeah, but there’s always room for dessert! And his Sammy always taste the best,” Dean leaned down, nosing the quivering belly as Sam started pleading again, hands tightening on his shoulders.

“Dehe De plehehease stop it, I cahahan’t haHAHAHAHA NOHOHO!” Sam bucked his hips hard as Dean placed a huge, wet raspberry right on his belly button.

Dean place two more on the dips of Sam’s sides, chuckling at the girlish squeals escaping. He started scribbling both hands over the sides and bottom ribs while nibbling the ticklish flesh of Sam’s abdomen.

“Yum Yum Yum!”

“NOHOHO! STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! AHAHAHA! IT TIHIHIHICKLES! DEHEHEHE!”

“That’s the point, Smarty-pants,” Dean smirked, blowing more wet raspberries all over Sam’s tummy. The kid was too tired to jerk anymore, his laughter rising higher when they got blown before quieting to manageable laughter. Dean couldn’t even understand what Sam was pleading anymore as he screeched with every tickle.

Finally, the small boy fell silent and Dean felt like his job was done. He snorted as he looked down at Sam, taking in his red face that had tear tracks on them, his pink tummy actually still twitching from the torture plus the cool air along with the endless smile on Sam’s face. Dean took one of the pillow covers and gently wiped his spit off Sam’s belly, snorting when Sam giggled loudly as he tried to twitch away. The older brother pulled down Sam’s shirt and gave him two small pats, making the younger brother groan and close his eyes.

“Still convinced it was your fault?”

“Hell no,” Sam chocked out. “It was definitely all your fault. One million percent!”

“Don’t make me do round two,” Dean warned, wiggling his fingers over Sam’s belly. Sam squeaked and forced himself into his brother’s curve, head tucking under the sixteen year old’s chin like when he was five.

Dean blinked, a little shocked but otherwise embraced his little brother, cradling him away from any danger and ready to be the support the kid would need in their new place.

Sonny stepped away from the door, having arrived when Sam started screaming loudly. 

Yep, things were definitely going to be interesting with these Winchesters around.

~To be continued...~

[asinnerslife]

A SINNERS TESTIMONY     I gambled my life with  quick fixes I worshiped what the world  can offer an grew accepting to its wrongful ways and  eventually became empty/purpose  less Why is it the things we buy can never give us true contentment?  Why  the careers we put our lives into never seem to fulfill our true  purpose of life? Why friends you trust most were  never truly your friends? Why  do we self medicate through drugs Alcohol and  material things?  and all the others ways  of escaping the truth? You ask yourself why because the answer  is never clear, never there  and never absolute. But the truth is drowned out by excuses, self pity, and  denial. Our weaknesses enslave us to a troubled mind and an empty heart. I know  this well because it comes from not my own understanding but the  understanding Christ has given me. I also know this  well because it was a way I  choose to live, who I became, my faulted purpose. Throughout my life, even as a  child, I took refuge upon my weaknesses. I didn’t feel  like going to school, so I  didn’t do it. I didn’t feel like going to bed, so I stayed up. I didn’t feel  like taking responsibility so I didn’t . there was not structure going up  an This is how I  justified my actions, and my coping mechanisms later down the road…    MY  CHILDHOOD     as far back as i can  remember i grew up in a house along side my nan my dads mother  me and her were close we  used to do everything together she used to always take me places and buy me  things anything i needed i  would just go next store an ask and 9 times out of 10 she would hand it to me or  give me the money for it.. growing  up i was mostly at her house and playing baseball on a team i was always playing  sports with the guys and sleeping over there  house and just doing guy things even though i was a girl i never grew up around  girls or really had girls that were friends,  as years passed my nan she used to be a worry bug i remember every night i slept  over she would always look out her window  because she didn’t want something to happen she was very cautious and always watched me threw the window when i played outside with the boys  and she would always yell if she lost sight of me she would yell for me and i  would always have to worry about her watching me and me and  my bestfriend Sal we would be out until the street lights came on and she would  be out there yelling as soon as it got dark nothing would get  by her ..    SCHOOL  LIFE from kinder care that  little red school house i always remembered going to lol funny how you can  remember things and the simple things you cant  remember but my schooling i never  really paid attention i was everywhere and as i grew older the school work became  harder and i really didn’t have any help with my  homework had my nan maybe my  parents helped me out with it but mostly i remember i had a tutor and that stage  of my life is pretty blurry to remember …but entering   high school that year of 7th grade  became really bad it was from 7-12 grade at cocoa and it was a mix of kids and  of course i fell with some bad people and i started fighting  an talking back to the  teachers and for that school year i basically sat more in the police officers  office and in iss then i did in the classroom office ripole was her  name she would always have to  come get me from class because i would act out or not listen… in school not  sure what school i was at but i was around 15 i got a random call for  me to come to the office  and my mom was there and the look on her face was just spooked like i knew  something was wrong and she held back tears from me and i was holding my slip to  go home and she told me in  the van that my nan was in the hospital and she wasn’t sure if she would make it  or not…. my heart sunk i didnt know why something could happen to  her i never knew anything  could happen to us i was so naive to the fact we could die and in the van on the  way to the hospital a country song came on by mark wills one more day with you..  it spoke about how we wish to have one more day with our loved ones who  passed an etc…. well on top of that and having issues in school they told my  mom to basically pull me out beforethey expell me and i  couldn’t go to any school in the county so she took me out       THE BEGINING TO PROBLEMS   My nan passed away  4-8-02 of a heart attack/ heart problems i lost someone who used to watch over  me 24/7 even when we was asleep she would have a light on or something on so she  could always see what was going on..  i knew she had bad heart burn but she would always just say she had bad acid she  wouldn’t tell me much more but after her passing i took a down hill spiral i got  a dui at age 15i got arrested but let  go to my sister i spent over 10k on probation and classes to take and i lost my  license over 5 yrs because the dui and driving without no license  that was just the  beginning to my problems . .i had curfew in the county i was in and i used to  always get picked up and taken home by the   police and they would always tell me Ms. Calvert your young we don’t want to see  you in jail when your older you need to start listening or this will be your  life. Of course i ignored all that who cared right? all i  could see and remember is how i last looked at my nan before the night she  passed away she looked at me and smiled her smirk and i just looked at her evil  and looked down an just wanted to know why she was smiling in  that time … my younger days i spent in a daze i wasted away in a trap the  devil set for me ..after my dui i was always in the ” hood” i thought that was  the cool place to be at 15yrs old running the streets  smoking drinking nothing could phase me right.. wrong… alcohol is truly the  essence of evil the devil sets upon the weak.. in my eyes…so after the passing  of my nan i got a tattoo on my forearm of praying hands with faith  written. Because she used to read me some of her black bible before bed but i  wouldn’t pay much mind to it     MY ADULT  LIFE from 18yrs old till  current problems just stacked  with more problems and the only people i had and felt safe to talk to was my  friends because god forbid i tell my dad or someone anything we didn’t have that  closeness my sister could open up more with them not me i  felt because every time something arises it was me getting yelled out for  something so i shut off that communication and seeked it else were… i continued  to keep partying i used to go out every tue and Thursday for free drinks  and yes i would drink underage because i had older friends that snuck me  drinks..i used to spend weekends and weeks in Miami and Miami beach i lost my  job because partying became my job the person i was staying with was a big  drug dealer and we used to go to the best clubs there in hit vip and she would  always buy me drinks and anything i wanted i saw so many walks of life … at  one point i saw how bad drugs can take someone i was around them so i  continued that..i got in some trouble for driving with a suspended again and had  to do community service at a church… they would judge me of course because  they knew why i was there and i remember always  wondering why people go to church  just to judge like i never had god in my life so i didn't understand any of that  …so after that i continued and soon after that things become bad i was kind of  locked up if you want to say as my grandpa was in the hospital dying  literally and my probation officer knew i drove to my probation and she was  calling the cops on me so the held me and i called my mom as she was on her way  to the hospital to come get me because i needed to say  goodbye to my papi i couldn’t not  be there and i had to drive to probation at that time i had no other choice …  so i got out in time and that day he passed away and from my nan i never had a  chance to say good bye so i held my papi hand in the room by myself as he was   basically no breathing he was breathing every so often and i just held he’s hand  and told him i love him and I’m sorry and that i love my nan and they just told  me to tell her goodbye to so that’s what i did and i just couldn’t  understand things that was happening …then of course i went back to the same  things i was doing for years     THE  CHANGE years passed then my  grandma she kept our family together she never judge she was a believer she was  fine before her surgery after her surgery things went down hill with her  health she had cancer and she  over months you just saw such a lovely strong women who tried to be strong for  others start not being strong anymore.. she would always try and tell me to stop  drinking to stop worrying to stop what i was doing because she cared  but i couldnt i didnt know how but that was her wish for me to stop drinking an  smoking an running my life and worrying about others in the family that didn’t  love me she always said you have one that loves you and that’s enough you  cant help what others say about you the heck with am.. i always wished to be as  strong as her… she eventually passed away and that broke my heart and broke my  family as well we went to being close to not even talking now…  my mom took it hard so after her passing my parents decided to sell out house in Florida and we moved in 2016 to VA to start life over because Florida we were no  longer our happy place…. i was the 1st to get a job when we moved here  i told myself once i moved ima stop drinking whelp i started drinking daily again  and hanging out with a crowd up here that sold drugs and that was like my old  friends in Florida… after a year passed we were looking to move from an  apartment to a house/ trailer so we found one we liked online we called it ended  up being owned by a pastor i automatically was like nope.. but mom and dad  called and me an mom went and looked at it ..it was  nice I  wont lie but my  thoughts was like there going to judge me there going to say something if we do  get it about my drinking and smoking an etc… time passed we moved in nothing  was said they mentioned church there were extremely nice  but i was like ok but in back of my mind i was curious  but didn’t act on it.. months passed my dad and mom went they liked it they  invited me and i said no… then i saw a change in them and i was curious but i  was like good for them but imma continue to drink well a festival was  going on at church and the pastor was mowing the lawn outside our house an  caught me outside and just said hello and we got to talking and he invited me   and i said ok i would think about it because saying no to a  pastor lol i felt i couldn’t  do.. for some reason deep inside me it was wrong… well i got courage up and  went the next day or two i think it was and i went and just as i was getting  threw the morning service overwhelmed what people thought of  me nobody judged me …they  did an alter call and the pastor explained it because i didn’t know what a alter  call was i knew what last call was though but not no alter call… so once he  asked if anyone would like to come confess to the  lord there sins and etc. i  felt this feeling inside me to go like this inner voice im like……oh no in my  mind lol well i start moving and next thing you know i start walking down the  church isle in shame i had piercings in my nose in my  lip and in my eyebrows and i  was for sure someone was thinking something… but i just got to what they  called the alter and i felt this feeling and i just broke down and i just  started to cry and say sorry and please forgive me for  sinning and etc. and from that  moment i left from that alter my nose ring an lip ring came out and i finished  service and from that point on i left happy i left with joy…i couldn’t explain  it i was scared but felt different ….i felt trapped in the  devils trap for so long i felt i finally got broke free. Alcohol and drugs are  the essence of evil they supply you with a quick control but its false it lies  you  making you believe there is no way out making  you think the only way to  happiness in a broken world is through an alternate more enhanced reality those  days i spent in a daze i no longer can get back but the blood of Jesus redeemed  me and forgave me for my sins and now all that time  wastedi feel i owe it to the  lord.. yes I’m not perfect i have scares from the past but ive been sober for  8months i couldn’t do that you cant stay sober without the lords help. No  matter how far gone we think we’ve become there’s not a lost soul out there who can’t be saved by Jesus. No  matter how much we try to attain happiness nothing will give you absolute  happiness other then Jesus If your one of those people  who believes they don’t want  to be restrained to the laws of god, your only restraining yourself with a lie  from the devil. You will never be walking in truth not until you meet the  absolute truth. Since I’ve been following the lord my  problems didn’t disappear I’m still fighting a battle but I’m not alone..im fighting a spiritual warfare  because for so many years the devil had control of me he controlled me at my  weakest moments and for me to give myself to the lord and  still fight the good fight . i  feel soon the battle will be over because i rather fight the good fight then  fighting a fight with the devil that just hurts me more… sin is expensive and  since i was in so much sin i can now understand the  price of sin and what it cost  but with god on myside and friends that will pray with me and help me threw this  battle i believe in victory so if anyone else can get anything from this just  know there is a god and he loves us all no matter what we done in the dark  he is our light and will bring to light our darkest moments so we can stand in  faith and have the strength to pull others out the fiery pit the world gets us  sunk in 

[scarybasementmedia]

I am huge fan of Childs Play, ever since I was younger and I saw the movie I found him hilarious yet scary. As I am sure many of us in our generation did. To us Chucky was a icon, a doll that came to live to kill and threaten, destroy possess and maim. All of it was great, following its release in  1988 I am sure many people felt the same as me. Horrified yet they loved it, which I do believe is how horror is supposed to make you feel. The original Childs Play starred Catherine Hicks, Chris Sarandon, Brad Dourif and Alex Vincent. Everyone felt bad for poor little Andy Barclay and we somehow eerily enough LOVED Brad Dourif as Chucky. I questioned my sanity as to why I loved him that role so many times. I couldn’t ever come up with a answer it was always just BECAUSE HES AWESOME! And that laugh….oh that laugh!!! So that being said I am not going to do a review but rather a slight comparison on the good and bad of both the original and the remakes and the newest rendition. Its going to be a long ride so sit back and enjoy and maybe we can be “friends to the end”.

                                                             Childs Play- 1988

Starring Brad Dourif as Chucky, Catherine Hicks, Chris Sarandon and Alex Vincent

In 1988 Childs Play was released and honestly I must say to this day it holds up. The original is a classic, filled with classic kills. Brad Dourif does a marvelous job as the voice of Charles Lee Ray, the former murderer trapped in a dolls body by some strange voodoo spell. Next we meet Karen Barclay single mom to a child named Andy who is celebrating his birthday. Through a string of strange events she ends up with the Good Guy Doll and gives it to her son.

Not to long after, at all a string of murders happen leading them straight to Andy. How sad! No one believes him and the usual story unfolds, mom founds out the truth, the doll tries to murder her they take him out with a bang, literally. Brad Dourif is pretty much epic in the role of chucky and I was beyond upset when I heard that they are making a new one BUT Brad Dourif would not be reprising his role as Charles Lee Ray aka Chucky.

I mean come on! There is no Chucky without Brad Dourif. So needless to say initially I boycotted this film heavily. I was setting myself up for disappointment, etc.  You know the usual shpeel about no one can replace Brad Dourif. Then news hit the dramatic air waves about the one who would voicing the new Chucky and I was instantly thrilled to my core. I thought, “maybe now this movie may have a chance with me”. To avoid spoilers I wont say till we get to the end of the article. I digress, all acting was amazing and the roles were acted to full potential and it was a great horror film although for someone like me it makes me laugh especially when he swears so often its worse than Negan from walking dead.

Childs Play 2-1990 

So low and behold as hollywood does with popular movies or characters, they made a second one. Now, this one wasn’t bad either, this one again focuses on Andy who is now in foster care because his mom is institutionalized. Chucky proceeds to again destroy his life and pass his soul into this living boy at all costs. Ruining Andy’s chance at any happy childhood. Still claiming hes your friend to the end etc. Now this is when the movie to me started taking a little more comical turn. Some of the lines that spew out of chucky’s mouth are beyond hilarious and I always laugh a couple times throughout the show. Its worth the watch I think. Especially if you LOVE Dourif as Charles Lee Ray. I always wondered what he would do once he took over this child, destroy everything? Kill people? I want to know!

Childs Play 3 

This movie came out in 1991 and now shows a more mature Andy going to military school, or a school for troubled youth I cant remember all that great. Either way, he is there and chucky comes back. How surprising, not really. Its a little more action packed with more kills from Chucky and for some reason I find them highly amusing.

This time Chucky finds a new victim. A young boy named Tyler, who chucky proceeds to manipulate to crap and transfer his soul into instead of Andy. Once again Andy and his girlfriend…friend. Decide to destroy that killer doll once and for all.  We all took a huge sigh of relief knowing that Chucky is destroyed for good. Yeah, NO! Eight years later we were then introduced to honestly one of my favorite installments,

                                                                Bride of Chucky

Bride of Chucky is so full of dark humor that it is hard to take it as a scary film. Starring Jennifer Tilly as Tiffany Valentine and Brad Dourif as Chucky once again, it centers  around Tiffany. Bride of Chucky also stars, Katherine Heigle and some other well known actors and actresses. Basically Heigle is in love with a bad boy and her uncle doesn’t want her too be with so they take the two dolls thanks to a scheme set up by Tiffany and high tail it out of the town leaving a wake of murders behind them and getting blamed.

Tiffany we find out is Chucky’s murder obsessed, kick ass girlfriend/ fiance. Which doesn’t last long. Through another unfortunate event completed by a toaster in a bathtub Chucky sends her soul into the doll of a good guy female doll adorned in a wedding dress and veil. Tiffany wakes up pretty damn peeved at him and literally cuffs him in the face screaming and throwing a fit because I mean hey she turned into a doll!

kinopoisk.ru

The rest ensues quite hilariously with over the top lines about knives going out of style and how Chucky looks like Martha Stuart. It also shows the twisted relationship between Chucky and Tiffany. It was enjoyable and downright dark and funny.  Not the best but not the worst…in the series. Up until this point they are enjoyable and have some direct appeal for some odd reason right? I thought so too. Then this happened…

                                                                             Seed of Chucky- 

Seed of chucky came out and it was one of those moments where after I viewed it I simply said “I cant even….” So it turns out the kid that Tiffany popped out at the end of the Bride of Chucky ends up getting found by some cop who then makes a puppet show out of the kid…puppet …whatever it is. He ends up being named Glen/ Glenda because of his …no gender issue by being a doll. So yeah a literal gender confused puppet basically. So its never clear if he is a boy or girl. Im just going by boy because in the end that is what he ends up choosing.

Eventually he escapes desperate to find chucky and tiffany. Meanwhile two recreation dolls used in a movie of chucky and Tiffany end up with the souls of chucky and Tiffany again because their son uses voodoo to bring them back…again. So now their main focus is to get Jennifer Tilly knocked up so that they can all pass their souls into Jennifer, her chauffeur and… ummm they want to impregnate her with chuckys baby …by a voodoo pregnancy. Basically a turkey baster….and you get the idea. So that succeeds and she has twins…. in the end one twin has glen and the other one i think is just normal. But Jennifer Tilly has Tiffanys soul and is just a murderous b****. Beats her maid to death and yeah…. thats that. Its just so full of ridiculousness that I actually enjoyed it.

  So next we will take a look into the Chucky ….sequels that are more modern. The ones that came after. They aren’t bad movies they tried to fix a movie series that went from serious to comedic and even though the storylines were dark people didn’t approve of the new Childs Play movies. Such as Curse of Chucky and Cult of Chucky, that tried to make sense of a whole bunch of plot holes that just added way more questions than filled them in. The coolest part about the films was that Nica Peirce is played by Brad Dourifs daughter Fiona Dourif. And of course he reprises the Chucky role which was the best part. Chucky had a new updated look which…honestly didn’t do much. They just should have used the sewn up doll. The storylines are kind of simple but for these two films you just need to watch, they aren’t terrible at all. They are amusing and Chucky is creepy but for some reason they just didn’t seem to hold up as well as the others did. Oh and a surprise by the one and only Alex Vincent. That was a huge yay from me.

My favorite out of the two would probably be Cult of Chucky. It kind of brings it all together in the end and without ending it shows a somewhat conclusion to the utter chaos that these movie franchise seemed to raise. So they aren’t bad movies they just aren’t the best of all of them and still leaves major plot holes.

                                                                 Childs Play-2019

Lets talk about Chucky himself, although I do admit he looks slightly….strange and different I do have to say that for what the movie is about it does work. I wanted Brad Dourif to be Chucky so bad but when I heard that it is going to be Mark Hamill my hopes sky rocketed. Mark Hamill is amazing in everything he is and never fails to make a impression on whoever plays. So Chucky himself was saved for now. At least there was that much. Mark Hamill was a definite great choice for the voice seeing as how Dourif wasn’t a option.

So now storyline? What was the storyline going to be? Voodoo and mysticism, dead serial killer possessing a doll. I was praying they would stick to the script of the original. Then i saw the preview and all I said was nope nope nope STUPID! So I sat myself down and decide to power through it and I came out pleasantly surprised. The Storyline itself is plausible in the world we live in. Less fake and more believable, technology becoming almost sentient and wanting to make you happy at all costs because that is what it is supposed to do. Its a recipe for disaster and I mean remember Furby’s? So there is no denying that this could be plausible for us in the future right? The acting from the young boy playing Andy was so well done, honestly the only complaint I have is Aubrey Plaza. Shes not a bad actress she just wasn’t right for the part I think.

As for kill count, I wasn’t keeping track I didn’t care because honestly the new unique ways of death were so awesome. I mean…come on you have to admit the saw part is quite ….. painful looking. I wont give away to much of the storyline because I know some still are waiting for the release. I was surprised by it and I was surprised that I did thoroughly enjoy it. It didn’t drag on and on, it jumped right in from the beginning with a huge WTF! A doll with a computer chip that has the limits erased so there is basically nothing he can and can’t do. So his mission to keep Andy happy means killing his cat and mutilating his mothers boyfriend (that one I didn’t blame him for). And honestly in some parts I felt sorry for Chucky. Weirdly…. Childs Play 2019 was win, because it wasn’t ridiculous trying to feed off old scripts that are way to overdone to the point where plot holes arent just holes they are now canals. This was something completely new and more reasonable and plausible because its something I could see happening. I think it is worth the watch and I will be watching it again when it comes to DVD.

    Did you enjoy the Childs Play movies? Which ones are your favorites? Have you seen the new one ? Let us know! Like Share and spread the love of all things dark and horrific.

A Friend to the End- Childs Play vs Childs Play I am huge fan of Childs Play, ever since I was younger and I saw the movie I found him hilarious yet scary.

[ace2light]

felt so down..

i wanted to talk to people so badly. by people, i meant those whom i am close with. super close with, esp him. i do have ppl whom are extremely close to me. but i dont dare to approach them due to as follows: 

poon: he is with his friends, he wont have the time to entertain me also, well, there were times i couldnt control myself and texted him, i got a single word ‘ok’, i know where i stand, i backed off. i switched off my phone literally. idw to have more disappointment in my alrdy bad and sad mood. rather than unknowingly text him and anticipate he would at least ask how i am. i rather not meet with such a disappointment. well if he knows that i am really trying my best to cope with my feelings and thoughts, he would auto read this without me telling him. cos if i dont spam him, i go to insta, if i dont go to insta, i come to tumblr. these are the ways i penned down how i feel and what i think when there is no one to talk to me, no one whom i can chat with. 

steph: in gasglow, i dont want her to be burden with my issues. she will know when she returns when we catch up anws. 

chanel and jiawen: we are drifting apart. they are the ppl i joke ard with but no longer the ones whom i find to rant about. as i always hang out with poon, i dw them to feel i treat bf more than i treat my bff. i dont want them ti feel they are spare tyre. 

sheena and sam: i scared i make them feel overwhelm with my issues. plus sheena is no coping well alrdy, idw to add to her problems. 

mum: she no longer is my close listening ears. i nvr tell her many things, in fact, i nvr say much about myself anymore, except rant about dad to her. other than that, nth. idw her to worry about me, esp my studies. i didnt tell her i wasnt coping well in school lately also. she’s too busy dealing with my dad anws. 

dylan: he is a gd friend, but then i am not comfy telling him too many things. 

xx: i lose the position to rant to him. before i got into a relationship, he was always there when i was feeling down. be it normal classes whereby i am feeling sad or stress, he will buy me oreo (altho he say his house got unlimited supplies, so many times, he think i believe meh). he can chat with me for the entire night when i was feeling so lost about some issues in the past. he takes care of me like a little sis. often he is the one who can notice i am sad and try ways to make me happy. i always treated him as my bro. he is like my younger/older bro. because of many reasons, i distant myself from him. i dont want poon to be jelly about xx and me, neither do i want to make xx feel sad, so the best way is to distant from him. 

it has been long since i felt like cutting myself. thankfully that feeling happens when i was on a cab, i have no access to pen knife. if not idk what would happen to myself. honestly, i just wanna just rot in bed tmr, i dont feel like meeting anyone, but cos i promise alrdy, i have to appear.. 

it is getting worst, i overthink. i overthink in my sleep also. idw to. idk how to tell my brain to gimme a break. i really wanna break free from overthinking. i even woke up from a worst case scenario about poon me and my parents. i was awaken by this dream today, it scares me but i didnt share with him. 

what i feel now. towards poon. yes, i am his gf. apart from saying ‘i love u’, he technically did nth thru out the entire day i was down. i understand that he is with his friend. but i am feeling too low to even be considerate about it. at least, talk to me abit? make me feel a bit btr instead of just ‘i love u’? i know u love me and you mean it, but in times of this, too much of such phrases makes me feel i am not impt. i am just a person whom you have to say ‘i love u’ to a few times a day. for so long, i havent felt so lonely on terms of texting. i am a heavy texter to ppl whom i am comfortable in. he is one of them. i always felt a bit sad that when i am awake, he is asleep, why cant fate let him have a normal sleeping time? i really wish he was at least awake to text me when i am on my way to school or in school.. yes, he blame me that i didnt call him up or wake him up, but certain things, it doesnt comes from me, it takes his effort, not just mine. i mean if a person is asleep, what for wake him up for a casual chat esp when the reason is i am bored? this is so unreasonable. 

just ytd issue. btn poon and me. when i started to put in more trust in him, he shakes it again. i trusted him to come meet me with monster also, in fact, i anticipated that, that was the encouragement i told myself, the only reason that keep me awake. the thought of my bf visiting me and delivering a drink i needed so badly that day. end up, he did come (make me feel i am his priority but i was guilty). before that, i was comtrolling my temper not to rage at him. honestly, what does he mean. well if i was in his shoes, it is very simple. come to the gf then meet his friends afterwards. cos he promise the gf to come alrdy, but didnt promise the gf to wait for her after her test. what was promise first should be carried out, what is so hard about it? for me, personally, whoever i made a promise with first, i go with the promise first. unless that person is fking impt to me, which is him, whenever he wants to meet last minute, i have to push some of my plans away just to meet him. i really hope he knows it is hard for me to lie all the time, i dont have so much lies in me to hide from my parents all the time. and in order to make a lie, i have plan ahead, if it is so last minute, i cant think of a perfect reason to lie. but he doesnt get it? he seems to take it for granted that i can meet him any time sometimes, that is what i feel. sometimes, i have to get back home early cos i cnt go home too late. one is my fears of going home alone late at night, second is i cant see shit at night, three my mum is worried for me too. one more thing, shouldnt he pull me into the conversation instead of asking me to try on my own? isnt it easier for him to pull me into a conversation with his friends rather than i awkwardly ask them weird qns? i just hate it when he force me to talk, and if i dont, he would get upset, like srsly, i didnt talk for a reason okay. 

well i do appreciate his efforts, waking up before i go and caring for me. but if he’s gonna ignore me or forget about me when he is with his friends, i rather he dont show me i am his priority. cos it is fking hard to deal with when he isnt there to reply me all the time, reply as in a continuous conversation not a single word of trying to brush me off, yes, it might be a form of acknowledgement of it to me. but then, if i rant to him, do i really need an acknowledgement? hmm, i doubt so. i hate spamming him my feelings my thoughts cos he reads but dont reply me one by one, i hate that. if i tell you my feelings and thoughts fking reply, rants, at least tell me sth instead of a word ‘i reply later cos i chatting or gaming with my friends’ is still btr than a word, but ofc, make sure he replies afterwards lah, if not the words has no meaning. 

it is so hard to not text a person whom you text all the time a day. it is not i didnt wanna text, i am so fking tired and disappoointed at the nonchalant, okay not even nonchalant reply, just a word answer seems like i am disturbing him and brushing me off. i tried to text him, but if i am gonna get a word, what for i continue, sometimes it is not i didnt wanna spam. it’s just i know he wont reply to every single thing, so i am avoiding that disappointment. it takes two hands to clap, he want me to do this, then prove to me, it is worth it. like spamming, you want me to spam, then reply everything lah, i know i say b4 he need not necessarily reply everything but who doesnt want to be replied, if not send for what? 

he always wanted me to text him ‘i want him now’, why would i text a person asleep that? does he knows how much courage it takes for me to ask for things i want?  for almost 10 years, i havent been living for myself, i live for others, i nvr really requested a lot of things. idk how and i fear rejections, imagine mustering tons of courage then got rejected. hell no am i gonna make myself suffer that. best eg, first time i asked him to bring me sth that is extremely out of his way for me, he came but didnt fulfil the things i want. seeing him makes me not angry but the sadness doesnt disappear. 

i am like this now cos i want him to talk to me, even if it is for 2 mins, show that he tries to understand how i feel now. but nah, nope, i had enough of dissapointment today. i aint gonna on my phone until tmr. if he is late for tmr, i am so gonna ignore him for a day. 

as much as i wanna blame him for having fun and forgot about me. but i cnt. 

enough of him.

what cause me so sad and down. it is like i am awake but i aint doing my work. i dont have the energy to do so. i am so tired of everything. 

academic failure. is extremely strong when i failed my CT. 

stress. i m dealing with so many in schools but no one exactly knows what i am going thru. 

home: i have to smile to maintain i am okay feels. one not to let my parents worry and not to anger them. 

friends: i dgaf about them alrdy. i dont have the mood to deal with them. 

him: i am just idk, extremely sad and dissapointed about it, how he acts/ treats me these 2 days, esp today. 

wtv happens next, tonight, i wont gurantee. whether i harm myself or not. i cant be sure. controlling it is so hard. death to me aint scary, what i am scared of is the sadness ppl felt if i harm myself. 

dont blame me to disappear. if he shown more effort, i wouldn't have disappeared due to sadness and disappointment. actually, would he even know i disappear? 

or maybe, i havent been okay, cos i felt neglected by him... apart from my parents, only one more person can me feel so dead when i am alrdy unhappy, which worsen my sadness. 

IF HE HAPPENS TO FIND TILL HERE, I SALUTE HIM COS I DONT EXPECT HIM AT ALL. which implies he knows how to find me when i dissapear. 

[magnificentprinceofgalaxy]

Farewell Pretty Little Liars (2010-2017)

I’ve Been Trying To Tell Myself That PLL is going to End. But i, somehow, Cant put that idea in My head. Why? Because PLL Is One Of The Few Things In This World that Still Means something To Me. And How Can We simply Let Go To One Of The Things You Love The Most and Wont see Again? The Next second PLL is Over, There Wont Be More PLL. More Promos, More Theories, More Nothing. I Find It Hard To Believe That I was Just A Kid when I watched, On My Birthday, My First PLL Episode.And This Feeling that Has Been Growing In Me Is so Overwhelming and Terrifying. We {Humans} Fear Tomorrow Because we dont appreciate The Unknown. So what is gonna be left when PLL ends. A sad Feeling? A Overwhelming Feeling? A Thing I Know For Sure Its The ending Of an era. Its The End Of Tuesday’s Nights Watching The Lives Of Aria Montgomery, Spencer Hastings, Hanna Marin, Emily Fields and Alison Dilaurentis getting more and More confusing. I Loved This Show A Lot Because There was Something In These Caracters That Enchanted Me So Much. My Favourite Is, Was and Will Always Be Little Miss Montgomery. I think I Liked Aria A Lot Due To Her Style, Likes and Because Lucy Hale Is A Pure sweet. Literally PLL Is The Show Of My Life and Even thought it became so sloppy, So Confusing and such a Walking Mess, I will Always Tell People To Watch Pretty Little Liars. Not Because Of The Story But For The Feminism and the power Of friendship that has Been, For Seven seasons, A Delightful Thing To Watch. PLL had Grown On Me, and I Cant believe It Will Actually Come To It’s End. I dont really Care Anymore about The plot holes. I Just want these Beautiful Ladies and Their Beautiful Caracters To End Up Happy and To Remain Friends. I Want to Belive That In Some Alternative Universe, PLL doesnt Die. Rosewood doesnt Loses His Mysteries. I Want To believe that when The Show Ends, These Girls Are still Friends, talking in a Park while they watch their Kids playing together and talk about what They Had been through and how that made them better. This Letter Is THe Effort To Make You Happy. And Make Me Happy. And Make This Tears Become Of Happiness and not sadness. As you said Once I’ll say it now To You ‘Thank God I Have Something that makes saying goodbye so hard’. I Know The sadness wont be everlasting Because nothing Is. I Hope Someday I See You Again, In a Very Summer Day, where I Will Grab Your Hand and We all Will Walk To The Sunset Together. But For Now, i’m more than satisfied With a simple goodbye, With The Hope That I’ll See You Again. This wont be The End. I wont let it be The End. So, while I was writting this Love letter for these incredible years, i stopped crying for sadness. I wont Cry Because Its Over, I will Smile Because It Happened and I Am Glad Something Like You Made All This different people Come Together and share it All With The best fandom Ever. I will Miss You All. Rise Up, stop crying and look. What we created Together is Something Beautiful. The stories we Told Will Now Be Shared and we will remember it Forever. I wanna thank to I. Marlene King For Giving Us This Exhausting And SAd and Beautiful Thing. Marlene, you were a pain in My ass but i Thank You for Giving Rosewood A Life. Want To Thank The Cast. Troian Avery Belissario, You Are So Smart and Sassy and I Love It. Dont you ever Dare to stop beeing like that. Those Bangs Look Good On You BTW. I Will Miss You Spencer Hastings. Ashley Benson, You Were Always So Funny and strangely Smart. Your Very Cute Too and To Be Honest, I Have To say How Nice has been seeing you over My screen, giving life to Hanna. I will Miss You Hanna Marin. Shay Mitchell, i Adore You. When You Cried I Cried, when you laughed i laughed, when you were hurt, i was Hurt. It has been a pleasure To see how you Get more beautiful each Year. I will Miss You Forever Emily Fields. Sasha Pieters, you’ll Always be The nysterious and fascinating Alison dilaurentis To Me. Its Good to look back to when you were My Age and how you changed. I Love You Alison Dilaurentis . i will Miss You Janel Parrish, you Naughty Girl. Ever Since I Met Mona, I Knew Your Caracter would turn out to be one Of My favourites. Was, is and will Always Be. I Love You eternally Mona Vanderwaal. My One and Only Beautiful Lucy Hale, who i adore and will Always Remember. You are little , but your big. Aria Montgomery is Just …… Thank You Lucy Hale and Ária Montgomery. I will Love You Forever. I wanna thank The Crew. Writers, Costume designers…. Everyone. PLL will Be Missed if not By anyone then Just me. But With no worries, it will be remebered. It was My First TV Show ever and I’m Glad It Was. Something in this relationship we built will remain beautiful and amazing. Always Remember This, The Things That Are Something Beautiful in This World Will Always Be Remembered. Its Immortality My darlings. So Lets End This Right. With A Long Long Hug and Goodbye. I promisse Always To Hold Your Memory. And remember what I Told You. I will Be Waiting For All Of You In The Beach, so we can All run together to The Sunset. Our Goodbye Means The World To Me. You Got Me Emotional everysingle Time. I think i already said This But Thank You Fandom. You have Been Amazing all These Years. We Handled This Show pretty well Together Hun? My appearance in you is like two years but you all made feel like i Was Home. With people With The same deep love that i have For This show. Thanks To All The Irrelevant And Relevant Caracters. Thanks To Rachel At @pllcloset . Your Work Is Not That Much Talked But I want to thank You For Covering PLL Fashion and tell you that all Your work and effort Is appreciated. BTW Your also Amazing! Want to thank all The Amazing PLL Fans and Blogs. You Are All Phenomenal In Your Own Ways. Please dont ever Lose Yourselfs. If i never see you again than, I hope You all have Amazing Lives and The sun Always shines for You. Last but not least ,Dear Pretty Little Liars, I Love You To Death and Will Always Till Death Do Us Part, and even There, believe me, i Adore You Badly. So This is My Farewell Lovely. I hope you loved This ride as Much As I Did. Promisse to remember it too. Goodbye PLL. I Love You

[ferretphobos]

life is fucking weird

I dont know whats going on anymore. Im usually throwing myself into show after show, sometimes without even a weeks worth of rest in between. Its the only way i can feel normal. Ive tried other ways (i.e. drinking, eating ect ect). But the only real way ive found that works is working myself into exhaustion. without a show i feel like im nothing, that im worth nothing. I recently got into a semi-local show of “Grease” but backed out basically because the part wasn't worth it. Now i really regret it. I regret alot of things. The thing I fear most is being left with time to myself. it gives me time to think. thats bad. Big for instance, i recently got into a fresh relationship and almost fucked it up immediately. She is an actress that i met during my second to last show, and younger than me but just as mature (because i am immature as all hell). But because I was in a pretty long relationship where things got pretty serious i got used to certain things. I was used to constantly being in contact with my SO, and just hearing about everything going on during her day so that I felt connected. With this new relationship we talk alot face to face, but sometimes barely pass 5 sentences a day through text, It’s really weird for me. Now i realize just how busy she is, but i didnt understand before, and it ate at me. I just got broken up with a little over 5 months ago, and after 5 years together that is such a short time. I thought I was ok, but it seems to have left some things behind. She also recently got dumped and coupled with her anxiety problem did not help this situation. I stupidly took things overboard. My mind went into overdrive and mistook this lack of communication as a lack of interest, that and I really do not know what people see in me i really do not. I know I have self image issues and am pretty much doing nothing about it so...yeah. continuing, my mind took all this as i am nothing more than a rebound, thats the only reason why she would want to try a relationship in the first place, that she doesnt really know what she wants or that she is just projecting on to me and tricking herself like I did twice when I was around her age. Basically I told myself that this relationship was a lie, that we both were pretending only. That scared the shit outta me. I like to think of myself pretty laid back, but that seems to be falling apart as the years go by. So in my paranoia i texted her confronting her about it, and that went as well as that sounded. It went back and forth me not believing her claims of wanting to truly be in the relationship, and her protesting saying yes she did and that she was sorry for not responding due to a shitty week. Long story short I wallowed for a day and then contacted her to apologize. But it wasnt enough so the day after that we met and hung out until she had to go to work, but then after her work around....10ish? we met and hung out again, just us talking all thru the night again till almost 3....it was nice. we are doing better now, but i cant help but believe its all a ruse, not a purposeful one, but a ruse none the less. I dont know why im just so afraid of this ending and I know I shouldn't be! if its meant to be its meant to be we tried it out good for us, but my mind wont let me believe that. The weird thing is my family has no idea, they dont even know that me and amanda are separate, even tho that was more than 5 months ago. its not like we publicized it or anything but still, i live at home i see them practically everyday. I think I hate them, but I have to smile because I have nowhere else to go. I know Hate is such a strong word but what i feel is more than general dislike. I couldn’t care less if I ever saw or spoke to them again. The bonds I made are stronger than the ones made by blood. How sad is that? Even if i wanted to tell them i feel like I cant. Idk why. And as for amanda, when we split there were alot of declarations of love, even tho we split. It was a weird situation. I told her I prob would not date for a while after her. Because of her I feel like I cannot post anything about Emma, lest I hurt her feelings. And because we work in the same building and alot of our co-workers are friends with both of us I feel like I cant say anything about her anyways. That I would looked down on or that I would be seen as a dick. Idk what to do, I want to show her off so bad, but not if it means all this ridiculous backlash...it doesnt matter tha me and amanda have not spoken in almost two months. or that I dont speak with my parents. I still feel obligated...I hate it....I wish I could move somewhere but Im stuck for right now...I need to get out....I need to go away from alot of people.  To make things worse something else happened. During this whole fight/situation with Emma I got a Fb message. I happened to put up one of those stupid quiz “send me a number deals” and got a response back from someone I never would have imagined. I originally met him at  RCC and he was super nice and one of the more popular in the Theatre program. as far as I was aware I wasnt even on his radar, I had also about 3 months after Amanda dumped me made a tinder because I was feeling bad and wanted to see if I would get any matches at all. So apparently he saw it and messaged me about it saying that he always thought i swung both ways and that he always had a thing for me. So he started complementing me and wanting to set up a date. I always used to have a thing for him but because he was popular never dreamed it would happen, so this was a dream come true...and going against my better judgement started messaging back. I know dick move, dont worry tho. so we message for about three days and then the guilt gets to me, and I break it off. I never want to be known as a cheater....ever....to hurt anyone purposefully is just not me. I let him know the situation and apologized but i still feel horrible....I intend to tell Emma next we meet. on top of all that i havent been feeling myself this past month and a half, or rather Ive been feeling myself and that thought is all the worse. Ive been feeling like there is two anchors attached to my soul dragging me down. Dragging me down emotionally (which led to the Emma Situation), mentally, heck even physically. I constantly feel it. and when that happens its never good. last time that happened I practically became a zombie for 8 months just surviving life. not doing anything but working. Idk what is wrong with me...i hate it. I still have thoughts about death, of attaching an I.V to my arm so that my heart pushes my blood out while I literally walk my life away. The idea just came out of fucking nowhere but its perfect in my head. Walk around with an iv and attacted extender with a towel or maybe empty fluid bag(s) to empty into to all the while recording my last moments. Its almost become obsession.  I dont think I would do it for a while tho. Ive rambled for long enough and have to go back to work. 

[selfpityandporn]

Rant- Okay, #1, fuck you. You started a fight and now like everything you’ve been a cunt about is fucking coming back and pissing me off. But lets just keep to I dunno, this week.

I literally had to fight both of you, "adults" just to take OUR cat to the vet, cause your fucking cheap and in goddamn denial, thats right GODDAMN, I can say that, because fuck you I can. I don't care if it uses gods name in vain, since when did you give a shit about god any way, considering the absolute shit storm you've given me for the last 4 years about going to church you didn't know anything about.

I fight just to get this cat to vet, long story short she's deathly sick. And I'm not complaining about taking care of her, I'm happy too, I will wipe her ass everyday long as she gets to be here, cause I love her and she's family. But the fact that I literally have to fight you just to get her fucking .70 food is GODDAMN ridiculous, god forbid her flea or ear mite medicine to keep her from scratching the blood out of herself. But I'm dollering you to death, and I'm a selfish peice of shit, excuse the fucking shit outta me.

Also, thanks for literally not helping me with her at FUCKING ALL. Like I said, I'm just happy she's alive, but honestly you wanna talk about how much you love her, and care about her, but you wont help me get the right food, and can't even take care of her. Our kitty was so sick she couldn't even move, so she had to be carried. I didn't want to take her to my room, because theres fucking shit and insulation everywhere from our shower breaking and dad still not cleaning up or fixing it, and I can't clean it up without getting bitched out. But god forbid we put her in your room, really? It's clean, your rooms not as hot, and you have a place to put her, but your terrified she's gonna pee or something, really? Your lucky she's fucking alive, I got pissed on taking her to the vet. Why, BECAUSE SHES SICK AND CANT HELP IT. I didn't get mad, I cleaned it up LIKE A FUCKING ADULT. You won't help me carry her when I'm trying to get her food, you don't want her in the living room. I could go on and on, you get the idea, I'm happy my cats alive, but fuck you for not helping me help her. SHE NEEDS US, your dropping the goddamn ball.

Lets get to today, the snapper of this, cause honestly this HAS SO MUCH SHIT, from you calling me a whore, accusing me of shit, not teaching me how to drive, cussing me out, not coming to my school stuff, thats might be a fucking tenth of all the shit that has been frustrating me. BECAUSE YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE AN ADULT, AND A PARENT, YOUR SUPPOSED TO HELP ME BUT INSTEAD YOU HAVE YOUR HEAD STUCK UP YOUR ASS.

We had our little family trip today, it was going so well. Till we were almost home, everyones in the car. Like usual you and dad are smoking like fucking trains and I can't fucking breathe, god forbid I roll down my window to satisfy MY HUMAN FUCKING NEED FOR OXYGEN. That wasn't the biggest issue, no the biggest issue is when you decided to fun your fucking mouth cussing me. Make such a huge fucking deal out of literally nothing. And when I say big deal, I mean on and on and on for 30 goddamn minutes. And any time it got quiet, YOU KEPT FUCKING YAPPING. I literally put my ear buds in, and ignored you. I didn't keep arguing, till you were LITERALLY SCREAMING SO LOUD I COULD HEAR YOU OVER MY ROARING TRAP MUSIC. Then I retaliate, you tell me to just shut the fuck up, the conversations over. FUCK YOU, I STOPPED TALKING 30 GODDAMN MINUTES AGO, YOUR THE DUMB FUCK THAT KEEPS GODDAMN TALKING.

And then, you pissed me off. Lets jump to last week. I got my first credit card, why? Because my laptop broke, I needed another for my online classes, we as a family were too broke to buy it. I understand that, I took it into my own hands. Then, you tried to start a fight, cause I didn't wanna go an extra 200+ into debt getting my little brother, WHO IS LITERALLY 8 a fucking laptop. You started a fight, because I refused to buy and 8 year old, a laptop, on my credit. Which oh by the way I know you would have never payed me back for, because your you and I've learned this lesson literally a dozen times, but your my mom so I keep letting you borrow my christmas money (I might get like, $60 each year, which is all I get from my family members, she "borrows" Then, will get her taxes, blow them and not pay me back, and guilt trip me about literally buying me stuff for my birthday at tax time, anyways) You tried to start a fight over that, then literally tried to put words in my mouth, saying I said I'd get him one. No, I didn't. I said I wish I could, I want him to learn how to type, but my line of credit is only $500, my laptop it's self was $250, the rest I was trying to save for emergencies, cause I knew we were fucking broke.

Now, I'm not on a rabbit trail, this ties in I promise. The day I got my laptop, we had went in Walmart to look, you said you were gonna get a handful of groceries while I looked, alright. I didn't get a laptop there, we go to leave. You ask me to pay for the groceries. I told you I didn't want to on credit, but how much is it? "Oh only like $20, I only got a few." Checked out, it was like $40. I got it anyways, and just asked that when you had the money, (She's literally getting a 1000+ check for her 401k in like, a week) if you could give me some for the upcoming comic con. (Comic con is a big deal for me, I cosplay, I go with my best friend and her family, I literally look forward to it all year. Most of the time I go, I'm usually broke, except for the last few cause I had a job until about a month before all this, whole other rant, anyways) So I was like cool, it sucks I'm another 40$ in the hole, but she knows how much con means to me, she'll give me it back. Then, I get my laptop. Back to the 8yr old brother thing, he literally has broken like 5+ tablets, my tv, and 3 phones alright. He gets mad, will throw them, scream curse words at them. It's ridiculous, literally didn't want to throw away $200+ I DIDNT HAVE on a brat who was gonna destroy it, along with my parents not knowing how to use it, neither does he so they expect me to fix LITERALLY everything, which is so annoying, cause then, he breaks it, its somehow on me. Anyways.

I was nice enough to lay away the laptop for you, another $30 I didn't have, but it got you off my fucking back. You also said you'd give me that back for con. I just wanna put in here, that when I got my job and actually had hours, I took my family out to dinner every paycheck, bought them stuff. Genuinely tried to not be selfish, Literally I think the only big thing I bought myself was my cosplay that I had wanted for like, years. But then my hours got cut, I was working literally 5 hours a week. I might have made $30-$40 for the majority of my employment, an with that I iterally saved up to take my friend out for her birthday and buy myself bedsheets, and still tried to take us out to eat, cause we got to do it as a family. But during this she was literally acting like, I had to pay for anything and everything. I needed to go to town for school, "You got gas money?" I asked for a few dollers so I could eat at work/before works, "Can't you buy it yourself?" Like, I would have HAPPILY if I had it, but I didn't, and your literally my mom, can you not drive me to school? Help me buy lunch, like WTfff?

And, today. Oh today, after you cussed and cussed and fucking cussed, I put my earbuds in and leave it alone, I DIDN"T SAY ANYTHING BACK, even though I know your still talking trash. I pause my musics just so I can hear you.

"Just wait till the next time you need something from me! Just fucking wait, and you can forget about your goddamn comic con money, go get a fucking job!."....................................................

I'm sorry, excuse me? Did I just fucking hear that correctly? See, I'm not a bad person, I don't believe so. But I fucking mentally snapped. I literally spent hours the other week helping her find another job, putting in her application. I can't get a job, because in the past fucking year and half she hasn't taken, and no exageration, more than 20 minutes to try to teach me how to drive, and not not only are you refusing to give me to the money you deadass owe me. But I. I need to get. A . God. Damn. Job.???????

At first, I handled it like a child, a child who loves their mother. "I don't care, I'll have fun without a fucking dime to my name." Then, my ass adulted, silently, excuse me. Excuse me, I don't think I heard that correctly, you not only are tryna sit there and cuss me, TELL ME TO GET A JOB, and, oh and, try to refuse the money you took from me?

I really, ya know, I really don't think thats gonna work. Cause see here, asshat, I have all your credit card info, all your social shit cause you don't know how to do a fucking job application, and, oh and, a cold GODDAMN shoulder. So heres how this is gonna work darlin, the day of con will come, and you will either give me my money (I didn't even ask for the full $70 btw, I said maybe like $40.) But you will either now give me all $70, or I will slip your card from your wallet, while your in your smokin drunken stooper, and frankly, cruelly, hold it fucking hostage till you #1Give me my fucking money, and #2 Fucking apologize, and admit you tried to do me so goddamn shitty. And if I don't think that apology is good enough, I'll take my money on my own and you will have disappointed me. I gave so many chances for redemption, and I still am.

But honestly this is prolly my fucking snapping point cause you have insulted me and frustrated me enough. I am 18, I am trying to adult, with no help from you, if anything more fight. Between finishing my senior year by my fucking self, to the stupid job shit, to omg, all the college shit she was supposed to help me with that I had to do on my own, to our poor cat which I'm trying to nurse off the fucking death bed single handedly, to literally not being able to get a job because of you, to you now more than likely ruining my credit, cussing me out, and just being an absolute pain in my goddamn ass along with every fucking thing else I am having to do on my own.

So, excuse me, fuck you. Get the fuck out of my way. You will NOT stand between me and the things I have earned and strive to get. In fact, no one will. You wanna be fucking petty, and fucking rude? Don't get made at me for winning a game you goddamn started :) K, thanks.