#listen one of the most fucked up things with my hs bullies was I would have good days where they were so nice to me

[shessoft]

You know the one true difference between og Regina and 2024 Regina?

Reneé has rbf and Rachel just doesn’t? At least for me I don’t see her rbf?

2024 Regina doesn’t have to speak to be bitchy while og Regina almost looks angelic

Which is actually terrifying

[buzzingblues]

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆ SHOCK ME, SHOCK ME, SHOCK ME WITH THAT DEVIANT BEHAVIOR!

STATUS: BORED SO BOREDDD!!!

georgie, georgette if youre weird.

— seventeen

— they/she

— 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨 🩷💜💙 ??? understandable ???

— hatchetfield hs, class of ‘21. GO NIGHTHAWKS!

as in the arts kids, fuck football.

— you will most likely find me in the auditorium, somewhere in the witchwood, a smoke club meeting, or on a shift at pasqualli’s (gag)

#georgieblr: my tumblr 💫

#losers club: talking to friends! 💐

#i love music: current listens and/or recs!

#rb: reblogs

[ ooc info under the cut ⤵️]

hii this is @exalt1ora (maxie) !! this is my hatchetfield oc roleplay blog im very excited about it yippee

WHO IS GEORGIE DAVIDSON?

Georgie Davidson is a 17 year old student at Hatchetfield High School. She lives with her parents, Mr. Ken Davidson and Mrs. Carol Davidson, in a suburb near the outskirts of Witchwood Forest. She’s a music + theater nerd, a stoner, and an avid researcher of urban legends and local history.

———

Her relationships differ based on timelines and circumstance, but there are some through-lines.

- Best friends with Alice Woodward. They met at a CCRP take your kid to work day as elementary schoolers and have been inseparable since. Bill is also like a second father to her.

- Close friends with Ruth Fleming. Georgie started doing school theater very young, and pretty much knew everyone involved. Ruth joined the tech crew in middle school and, being a certified chatterbox, Georgie regularly spent her breaks trying to talk to the new girl. Eventually, she broke her down and they’ve been close since.

- Drifted apart childhood friends with Richie Lipschitz. In middle school, they rode the same bus and both ended up sitting next to each other one day. Georgie struck up a conversation out of boredom and something just stuck. They kept sitting with each other and talking more in school, becoming closer friends. But, Georgie started developing feelings for Richie and she didn’t understand them, so she began to distance herself. Now, they don’t speak at all.

- Family Friends (?) with Paul Matthews. Georgie was babysat by Paul as a child, often alongside Alice, as she’d frequently stay at the Woodward place. She still calls him Uncle Paul, a childhood habit.

- Charlotte Sweetly babysat Georgie once in a while, too. Mr. Davidson asked the employees of the office to look after his daughter as a last resort, and offered to pay as overtime. Charlotte accepted happily, and spent the night braiding Georgie’s hair, making cookies and singing with the girl. They did this regularly, until Mr. Davidson became uncomfortable with Georgie being around her husband, Sam. But, like Paul, she’s still Aunt Charlotte.

- Second-cousins with Zoey & Zach Chambers. They don’t see each other or talk like, ever. But, it makes Georgie feel very starstruck to be related to Hatchetfield’s finest actress.

- Friends with Deb, Trevor, Caitlyn, PJ, Reese, Rose, Ziggs, Sof, and Danny

- Dislikes Max Jägerman, Kyle Clauger, Brad Callahan, Grace Chasity, Brenda, Ted Spankoffski, The Metzgers

anyone not mentioned she has neutral feelings towards and would gladly be their friend <3 (ppl she dislikes feel free to interact still💪)

———

okay now some OOC maxie things !!

~ i’m new to tumblr rp so if i’m not great pls be understanding LOL thank u

~ multi-timeline blog, will try to appropriately tag specific timelines

~ open to multi-shipping on both ends like idc if you have other ships and i’m cool having more than one bc of the multi-timeline thing

~ as you can see i do have like. specific relationships planned out for her in MY story but anything can happen so i’m open to everything!! i honestly don’t care how u interact with them. befriend them, romance her, bully her, plot to kill them! do what you please

~ she is a minor character so no hardcore nsfw stuff

~ anyone can interact !! obviously not like, basic dni stuff. if ur a bigot and/or a sicko leave me alone. but like i said im new to this and as long as you’re a hatchetfield rp blog you are welcome PLS send me asks or dm or anything!!! love ya

i don’t really have separate timelines yet, so for rn, general in-world action will be tagged #hatchettrash

will tag ooc posts #ooc !!

[blackcrystalball]

As a major hearstopper fan, I have to to say that the fandom is nasty. Like genuinely disgusting. Every single time I get onto twitter, I see that they've managed to find a new way to be assholes. Whether it's to the actors, each other, randos on the internet, they find a way.

In the span of about a year they: bullied Kit Connor off of twitter. Were freaking weirdos in how they expressed their attraction to him. Bullied Joe Locke about his looks (like they literally called a teenager ugly) in a near constant basis. They were so many kind of racist it was a bit hard to keep up. Were extremely transphobic, both implicitly and explicitly. Harassed Sebastian over a mistranslated interview after he apologized and explained what happened. Bullied Joe Locke off of twitter for siding with his friend. And finally, they forced Kit Connor to come out, this 18 year old had to out himself because people accused him of queerbaiting, (sidenote: people cannot queerbait, at least not for the reasons they are being accused of it. Not explicitly sharing what your sexuality is, is not queerbaiting. You don't owe private information like that to anyone. That shit is your business) the fandom were literally at-ing and quote tweeting Alice Oseman asking them to recast him because apparently he's straight, they felt entitled to his information and when they didn't get it, they decided he didn't deserve his platform and accused him of being false representation.

These people need to be fucking for real, like genuinely listen to themselves. They are angry because an 18 year old, a literal fresh out of the box teenager, didn't tell them if he's bi or not. They bullied someone who literally just took his first steps out of being a child for not behaving and expressing himself the way they wanted to.

The hearstopper fandom is gross, mean and awful. Even if it isn't the whole fandom, the assholes have become the face of it, and you can't separate yourself from them as easily as you'd want to because you will always be associated with them when people think if the fandom. No one is going to see the cutesy memes and the friendship bracelets that you've made for the actors because they're too busy watching the fandom burn a child inside out.

They're too busy watching a group of children get bullied by hundred and thousands of people.

There is no "toxic minority" and "good majority" when the loudest meanest people work hard to be the face of the fandom. When the worst of the fandom ensure that they get the most attention. You cannot truly think that anyone would view the hs fandom in anything other than a negative light when this is the kind of behaviour they exhibit.

And I am aware that I'm making sweeping generalisations, and that lumping all of you into this one category of complete assholes is unfair but I think that we saw tonight that most things are unfair. They way people treated Kit Connor was unfair, me making generalisations is unfair, but I don't care. I can't care, not when people are moving in droves to ruin a child's life. People being offended by my words won't even hold a candle what their words have done to the cast of hearstopper.

[cloveroctobers]

GENEVIEVE ALIU —

IG info/bio: @/genevealiu1 | 19k followers | currently on a journey as a junior doctor living in 🇦🇺🤎 | blm.card.co🖤 | sk💛

26 years of age

Born and raised in Glastonbury, England

Pisces sun? + libra moon?

Mother is Guyanese and works for a non-profit organization

Her father is Nigerian and works in property management

has one older brother who is a Prosthetist and resides in Nigeria with his pregnant fiancée

She can’t wait to be a auntie!!!

And a younger sister who is a medical laboratory technician

To say the least, their parents were happy that their children fell into the medical field. Based on their cultures it was a honor to have their children in these professions

Vieve grew up with a sassy demeanor and her parents have old videos on their camcorders to prove it lol, it never fails that the pair brings out the embarrassing vids during the holidays but vieve genuinely appreciates them 

Although thanksgiving is a RACIST American thing, vieve never misses the opportunity to share what she’s thankful for in life and counts all of it as blessings! But it’s still fuck the pilgrims

Has held a friendsgiving before, loves any moment where she can host gatherings or attend them! either is quite fine. She loves being around people

the only time she likes to look back on the past is to see how she and her family carried themselves then and how the evolved into who they are now, it’s interesting to see

Loves “how it started vs how it’s going” posts and might have participated in a few

Always knew from a young age that she wanted to help people in some way, she was always doing something to help around the house and especially her aging/sickly grandparents

Felt offended that many people around school that she thought were her friends would stab her in the back labeling her as this “fake saint” since she rather spend her time volunteering instead of going to house parties in hs

Don’t get it twisted, she still went to those too & had her fun but definitely felt like it was the same routine and nothing ever felt fulfilling at these functions after awhile

Well known with all the cliques around school but had her own group of friends that fit into many of those cliques but she never felt obligated to stick to one social group. If you were nice and cool with her, she was the same to you, if you weren’t? Depending on her mood, she’d ignore you/say things under her breath or be “fake nice” as a form of being the bigger person

Has a curly hair routine that she consistently follows (after struggling to find the right products to make them flourish) and gets annoyed with if her curls don’t turn out the way she knows they can, it’s always frustrating when things don’t turn out the way you want them to but isn’t afraid to at least try

Three times is the charm! Is one of her mottos

loves bright colors, flowy attire, big hats, brimmed hats, bucket hats, berets, etc...

Has faced racism/prejudices and bullying growing up in public spaces—mostly school/uni & some of those same hatred actions online now that she’s dating seb

Because of that there were times where she felt insecure but deff grew to forgive, heal, and rise above the hate, she knows her worth

Has never been happier in a relationship than she is with seb, he’s her “moody long-haired, soft-hearted bby”

they’re both complete fools for each other and vieve is more vocal about her being in love/finding her soulmate whereas seb doesn’t mind showing it rather than speaking it—even tho he’s on a podcast but we mind our business okay?!

Seb is thinking of moving to Australia with vieve, he’s ready to risk it all for this woman, HIS woman 🤩

canon: gives more than she should/taken advantage of/not reciprocating in relationships... ex) how she dated a guy that she did everything for! especially financially and also struggled to find her worth but once she did? Her aura shined brighter than before— Ik chill out there Rocco

Also believes in loving yourself first to attract what you need in this world and found that in her career and seb. I hope they’re endgame! Since they’re the only couple I rooted for this season? Except for tai & ciaran maybe? They’re probably not endgame but whatever

They still get nervous/shy around each other even tho they’ve been together for months now + are in a long distance relationship which is too cute! I think since they’re in this for the long game they can look back on moments and still feel the way they felt in that moment. You know if you get the chance or have already heard elderly people talk about their relationships and how they get all starry eyed? That’s vieve & seb, that shit gets me right in my feels ew

Vieve’s love language is quality time, it’s what she shows and likes along with acts of service from her partner

Makes the best jollof rice & her fav dish is Metemgee

Trying to be on a plant-based diet only but will have her cheat days on occasion—mostly when she’s drunk and forgets her diet plan lmao that’s me getting double cheeseburgers or anything with dairy drunk af

now living in Australia, she tried to like vegemite but...the it’s a no for her, respectfully ofc! She never wants to disrespect anyone

besides the food, the atmosphere is much nicer since she feels like she’s on a holiday almost everyday and that there’s much more to see and do when she has the time

Loves the beaches and is thinking about surfing lessons

yes she enjoys those doctor shows and can agree that most scenarios are not the same as rl ofc but great question!

Since she’s a junior doctor now, and on her way to graduation! She feels so accomplished and having this chance to complete what she’s wanted her whole life in a different place, makes her super emotional

All those stressful all-nighters will be worth it. She mostly did it on her own but is nothing but humble and Is thankful to those that have helped her along the way, what kind of person would she be if she didn’t mention them?

and when COVID hit, she was one of many already on the frontlines. Her studies became altered but this wouldn’t stop her for her mission on this earth, this was her purpose and she knew we would conquer it all—but definitely has empathy and gets angry with how it’s being handled from time to time

She’s been exposed to it first hand which aboustely worries her parents, seb, her friends, and friends from the villa

Keeps up to date when all medical news, has a whole app dedicated to health

Learning French with some of her free time and is doing well at it

It was only natural for her to become closer to elladine since their men are homies and have a podcast together

They’ve hung out a few times on a double dates before the boat vacation & once just as girls before vieve left to Australia

Vieve is always offering advice but knows that every relationship is different and what works for her and seb won’t work for elladine and Nicky, she loves them together and knows everyone has bumps in the road

feels there’s some sort of tension between her and Harry now? Which she found a little off putting since they were supposed to be friends but she realizes that Harry has a condition but it’s also not an excuse for him to treat her shitty sometimes which he does and feels like it comes out of nowhere most times but he always apologizes yet vieve is slowly getting tired of this unhealthy habits

So they’re talking less these days, which he notices!

She wants Harry to find his happiness too! If he hasn’t found it in mc first that is

has met Tim— he’s a great laugh and seems like a nice guy—they follow each other, talia and jake in person when she was out with seb—they were also super nice and congratulated them on their win, she went up to miles once on a night out—he’s still a arsehole, priya reached out to her via dm about her new boutique that she wanted her to model in someday, Hope was just as stunning in person along with Siobhan, Chelsea & mc s2 were also kind, and a couple of the guys also wished her and seb well

She’s also noticed some of the shit talking coming from Elisa, Allegra, Lucy, and mc s1 (subtle shade from mc, basically about how vieve reacted if mc decided to give Harry a go but that was only brought to her attention thru fans) online but again, vieve peeped it and felt majority of it didn’t require a response. She was too happy in life rn and she had a man and they don’t

Plans to get a komondor, thinks they’re super cute! — seb does not “if you love me, you’ll love our child.” “It’s a bloody mop dog! And I’m a cat dad, you know that!” “Don’t talk about him like that, he’s got feelings just like your cat babies!”

I feel like she’s a matcha & Frappuccino lover, tries to keep her drinks simple and feels guilty when she has to make adjustments but the heart wants what it wants

Mini Countryman owner, she also drives like a “granny” better safe than sorry! She hates fast drivers, there’s absolutely no need for it!

Minimal makeup: eyeshadow, moisturizer, & a nude lip and she’s good to go

Secretly obsessed with among us, second life, and SIMS!!!

Celeb crushes? Heath ledger, Tyler posey, KENDRICK SAMPSON, Jordan fisher, Algee smith, Donald Glover, Mack Wilds, Khleo Thomas, Robert Ri’chard, Tahj Mowry, & Hasan Minhaj

Listens to: DaniLeigh, ABIR, Mary J. Blige, TORI KELLY, Us the duo, 11:11, Jacob Latimore, fifth harmony, joya mooi, & Greentea Peng, etc...

Anthem: The Cheetah Girls — Cinderella

[saltine-kakyoin]

OH SHIT!!!! my clown ass never saw that u rb'd those ask posts, i was Looking at my notifs to see if u would so i could send u some but SOMEHOW I MISSED IT??? clown hours.... ANyways for the emoji one have 🤗💙💘🍀😇 and 👍 (tried to not do repeats from your ask 2 me cause they all apply anyways but, Regardless) and for the questions post, maybe 5, 11, 12, 17, 20, 23 and 25? ;__;/ ily so much and i hope u have a rlly lovely night!!! and that this coming week is kinder 2 u!!!! 💖💖💖💖

ahhh, it’s no worries!!! idk about you but for me, tumblr has been having the Time of Its LIFE lately wrt notifications and most disconcertingly, unfollowing people! D: so i completely get it, it’s no worries!!! ;w;/ i already know for a Fact i’m going to write so so much, so i’m gonna put this under a readmore >w< ruth 🤝 sarah respectful lesbian moments

edit: so I finished writing it and it’s Insanely Long- just in case you don’t make it to the bottom, thank you mein broth-er!!!! ; O; i hope you have a wonderful night too!! writing all of this out made me reminisce on some really nice times, and I’m having an a1 night! ^^ ilysm! it’ll probably be daytime when you read this, so i hope you have a great day! <3

🤗 given the chance I would gladly hug you

on god!!!! ;___; i think i would frfr dissolve if a got a Ruth-Certified hug, things have been so overwhelming lately

💙 you are my closest friend

the feeling is mutual!! <3 we don’t always get to talk often, but fhdhshg when we do we talk about like All of the Madness in Sarah’s Mind^tm, and you are so patient + tolerant of my incoherent ramblings which is something i don’t think i’ve ever fully experienced? anyhow, after a year (more than a year?) of having these kinds of convos and going through the general madness of life together, I totally agree ;w;

💘 I love you so much

i love you too!!! so so much!!! 💃🕺 i don’t think words will ever be able to express how much i love and appreciate you! 💜💛

🍀 i’m lucky to have met you

i know we talk about this often, but seriously i feel the same way! it’s a little crazy that we met, technically, because Joseph Joestar tm deserved more than to be a cheater... there is something hilarious about this wild friendship rooting from him!! of all jojos!! 🤢 but i’m so grateful that we met, it’s been such a wonderful ride ;w; <3

😇 you’re a sweet cinnamon bun

🥺🥺🥺🥺 bro i- fhdhghdhgh thank you!!! ;o;

👍 you are fun to be around

ahhh, thank you!!! i am glad you feel this way bc whoo boy, i think some other people would look at the madness i tell you about and go 👁️👁️ that’s a no for me, luvs. remember last year when i was losing it tryna prepare for ren faire + i cut my palm on that one glass bottle? bc a- i barely do and b- i feel like that moment encapsulates the nicki minaj roman holiday-ness of my life XD i’m really grateful you’ve stuck around through it all 🤗💕💖

now buckle in bro!!!! the essays are incoming!!!

5. Name a movie that makes you genuinely laugh.

i swear on my life the Mortal Kombat movie from 1995 is a national treasure, it is SUCH a solid movie and has so many funny moments. Robin Shou makes such a 🥺🥺 Liu Kang, and jesus fuck he can be so savage when the script calls for it!! there’s one part where he takes Johnny Cage’s luggage and straight up fucking chucks it into the ocean + then bullies him about it later! honestly the Ballad of Johnny Cage and His Luggage is one of my favorite parts from the movie <3 if you haven’t seen it + you like cheesy, old school movies, i really recommend it!!!

11. Describe the memory of the last time you felt true happiness.

So I can’t remember the last time I did, bc my memory is horrifically terrible + probably getting worse as time goes on?? but i will tell you about one of the more recent times I remember! :D There is one crucial expository note for this memory- my brother-in-law makes THE best chili in the entire world. my brother and I were trying to recreate it because it’s such a simple but delicious + filling meal- I think this was our first time trying to create it? and it was SO chaotic, the tomato sauce and stuff kept popping and burning me and we weren’t 100% certain that we’d gathered the right ratios for the ingredients and it was just. madness lmao. Chance’s chili is one that you leave alone for multiple hours at a time (I think this is the case for all chili but i don’t cook often enough to know ;__;), and we were kinda 👀👀👀 because we weren’t sure it’d turn out right? But it did!!!! I vividly remember when it was finished and we taste-tested it + went oOOH FUCK! it wasn’t quite the same as chance’s but ohhh my god it was so good 🥰🥰🥰 but yeah!! we ate it all up and I think this was around the time I started my playthrough of Esteban for Dragon Age 2? which was one of my favorite playthroughs for the entire franchise... he’s just a simple ig beard model mage ;w; i wanted to show you what he looked like in this post but the formatting went wonky so ig i’ll just post him separately?? it’s 1000% in-character for him to infiltrate my jojo blog 😔

12. Name a song that makes you feel ethereal.

hm...I’d say it’s between Forget About or Feet of Clay! They’re both such light and tenderhearted songs, and when I listen to them I feel like I’m in an apartment kitchen slow-dancing with a love, and it’s so dark except for the slowly rising sun. I don’t know if that feeling could be described as ethereal? but it’s close enough for me

17. What is something you own that is important to you? What makes it so important?

I have a small collection of scripts from the shows I’ve been in, and two of the most important ones are from the plays my high school put on during my sophomore and junior years, The Nit-Wits and The Musical Comedy Murders of 1940, respectively! The Nit-Wits has a ton of sentimental value to me because it was the last show I genuinely acted in, and it was a show we had to pull together in 2 or 3 weeks!! We were originally going to do a murder mystery play for the fall, but none of the cast was feeling it and it just wasn’t going to come to life in time (honestly this speaks volumes for how much we weren’t vibing with it, because all of our shows came together at like.. the final dress rehearsals if not opening night lmao). I vividly remember we took a vote during rehearsals about whether or not to switch the show, and then we did and it was SO fun + chaotic!! My character was one of the only regular characters in the show, but I think everyone else had a lot of fun acting as actors who were hired to be maniacal, and that made acting off of them so fun! I remember there was also a night my friend Adonis almost tore the entire set down because he ran through a door and tripped over a set brace in his haste!! The Nit-Wits is hugely important because it was a really fresh acting experience for me, and again, my last time genuinely on the stage and not behind the scenes!

MCM is important to me because it was the first play I ever stage managed! I’d stage managed our musical the spring prior, but that was a huge undertaking and involved many different people and moving parts. Stage managing a play, at least at my high school, was a calmer and more intimate experience, and one I really enjoyed! Another huge reason I treasure MCM’s script is because it is one of the last shows I had with my friend I told you about- he was a senior. I have little notes and doodles from the cast and crew scattered throughout my book for this show, and I remember being so irritated by this because it meant I was losing space for stage directions, cues, and notes. Now, I’m super grateful to have these scribbles- it’s one of the only things I have left of him. 

On that note, relating to him, MCM is also the show which birthed my most horrific theater horror story!! During one of the performances, I guess he forgot his line?? idk. But he ended up jumping six pages ahead of where the current scene was (I knew this bc I was following along in my book backstage + was frantically trying to figure out where he’d gone), which threw the entire cast, who were all tragically onstage, way off-track. This resulted in the most frightening game of script ping-pong I’ve ever seen: he’d skipped six pages ahead, so Adonis ended up saying a line from two pages after the six-page skip, and somehow someone else went!! oh I have a response to that line! And then said something like 9 pages back! I think the lead actress tried to ground everyone back to the lines they were supposed to be saying, but she ended up just saying a lot of their lines? And one of those lines that was supposed to be said by someone else was supposed to cue a black-out that someone got murdered in, but my lighting techie was SO fucking lost (we were both huddled over the script next to the breaker trying to figure out WHERE the hell we were! i think i had a flashlight in my mouth so I could flip through the book with both hands and thus faster??), so ofc the lights stayed up! I remember getting through this scene being the most painstaking endeavor of my entire life, but thankfully intermission was right after it! We actually extended intermission because the cast needed a hot second to fuckign RESET for Act 2 bc sweet jesus that was so bizarre...Needless to say, after that show we never messed that scene up again + everyone who acted in the show became super anal about knowing their lines as the years went on. The Six Page Skip became a legendary part of our hs theater Canon (like biblical canon ;w; although I don’t think anyone’s talked about it since my class graduated) alongside the times one of our ensemble dudes had to break through the roof of the girl’s dressing room to retrieve the keys to the theater + i got stuck on stage!

20. What’s the sweetest thing someone has done for you?

I really had to wrack my brain to answer this one, as I’m generally not the person people do things for, you know? This answer goes wayyy back, to 8th grade :O but so! there is mild exposition for this- when I started middle school, I lived in North Carolina, but we moved to Florida right before 7th grade bc my grandma is ill. We lived with my uncle while we were looking for a house, so I went to the local middle school bc why wouldn’t I? but in November, we finally found a house + my mom was like....So... are you going to switch schools or...I’d struck up some really solid friendships in this time, so i was like Mom I’d Rather Die OAO. So, we struck up a deal that I’d get to stay at that school on a zone waiver + that she’d drive me to school everyday. Sometime closer to the end of eighth grade she was like, yeah so.. I can’t do this for high school, it’s too much gas- which was valid! I was really sad about it, but I sucked it up.

Anyhow, fast forward to the last day of eighth grade, which was perhaps the saddest day I’d lived up until that point, mostly bc I knew I was probably never going to see all my friends again. My best friend, who I was like hardcore v close to + the person I shared all my wacky AUs and OC’s and headcanons with, was waiting with me for my mom to come pick me up, and then!!! When my mom pulled into the school she suddenly whipped out this lengthy letter she’d written to me about how much she enjoyed my friendship and how grateful she was that we were able to have lunch together (lunch was.. tragically ;__; the only time we really saw each other that year), and that she would never forget me! And she’d drawn me a ton of fanart from all the things I was obsessed with back then!! it was so much so fast, but then my mom was yelling at me to get in the car and I had to go :(

We kept in touch through email freshman year + fake-dated bc a senior was stalking me? ;J; and then we went to Megacon together! but I became really heavily involved in choir and theater after that, and we just kind of drifted apart :( we do follow each other on ig tho! It’s insane to think about her and that letter because on GOD ruth, that was a thinly veiled love letter and I never like... wrote her anything back that was as worthy as what she wrote me. But, she’s doing really well in uni now, so I guess it’s all okay? idk! ; o ;

23. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you think you fit the general characteristics of that sign?

I’m a Cancer!! and also a metal dragon by the Chinese Zodiac, which I’ve always thought was pretty sick! :3 I am 10000% your stereotypical Cancer, super emotional and introspective + often prone to tears ;u; My mom always said that dragons are steadfast and loyal people, and I think this also applies to me, to a fault. I checked around some websites to see what characteristics were often applied to metal dragons specifically, and it seems they are pretty strong-willed, ambitious, and generous? I don’t know if you could call me strong-willed or ambitious, but it’s all good ig.

25. What’s a song that gives off good vibes anytime you listen to it?

Ohh man, I went in on this question for Shannon, but bc I was digging around my library for Jules, I actually found an old fave! This song is from one of my all-time favorite musicals, Once on This Island- it’s The Human Heart! This song is so sweet, and god between the writing for the orchestra + the writing for the ensemble, this song is a straight masterpiece <3 I love love love the line, “Through your love you’ll live forever”, and although I am Hardcore Terrified of getting a tattoo, I really want that line tattooed on my body. if you have time, I recommend giving Once on This Island a listen!! I’ve never heard a show that uses its instruments and singers the way OoTI does (and holy FUCK it is so breathtaking live!!! I got to see it on Broadway and bro.... 🥺🥺 it was transcendental..)

[thisismyhellx]

All of themsssssss

1: Name: Elizabeth

2: Age: 25

3: 3 Fears: Failure, Being replaced, Never good enough

4: 3 things I love: Artsy Shit, Working, Reading(When I can)

5: 4 turns on: Intimacy on a mental level, Choking, Submissiveness(when applicable), soft kisses on tender areas.

6: 4 turns off: Cocky, Entitled, “Fuck and Chuck”, Not respecting me.

7: My best friend: I have more than one; Michele, Heather, Kayla, Stacy and Brandon

8: Sexual orientation: Swirly.

9: My best first date: Meh.

10: How tall am I: 5′6″

11: What do I miss: Not feeling tired.

12: What time were I born: 4am? Fuck if I know

13: Favorite color: Blue, or color combos Electric blue/hot pink

14: Do I have a crush: Yes

15: Favorite quote: 

It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

16: Favorite place: Under the stars

17: Favorite food: Italian, Chinese

18: Do I use sarcasm: Really?

19: What am I listening to right now: Advertisements

20: First thing I notice in new person: Aura

21: Shoe size: 7.5/8

22: Eye color: Blue

23: Hair color; Natural? Brunette, Current? Blue.

24: Favorite style of clothing: Huh?

25: Ever done a prank call? When I was younger

27: Meaning behind my URL: This is my hell....?

28: Favorite movie: Don't make me choose.

29: Favorite song: Depends on the day.

30: Favorite band: I REFUSE TO CHOOSE.

31: How I feel right now: Sickly

32: Someone I love: My family.

33: My current relationship status: Taken

34: My relationship with my parents: Biological? Different than most.

35: Favorite holiday: Halloween

36: Tattoos and piercing i have: Not sure how many ear piercings I have other than my main ones that are 0g. I have 3 tattoos.

37: Tattoos and piercing i want: A lot

38: The reason I joined Tumblr: Senior in HS looking for an outlet.

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I should. I don't know what he thinks nor do I care.

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? Not usually.

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Nope

42: When did I last hold hands?  For work or pleasure cause the latter has been a minute.

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? Depends on where I’m going, but normally between 10-30 mins.

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? Nope... >_

45: Where am I right now? Work.

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? Probably my drunk ass.

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? Depends on my mood.

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? Neither

49: Am I excited for anything? BEDTIME

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? Yes

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? Majority.

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? Today

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? My heart... it wouldn't feel good..

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? Most likely.

55: What is something I disliked about today? Yes.. mostly Im cold...

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? I really have little desire to meet someone? Iunno. Where’s my sugar daddy! (Maybe could meet Frank Iero though...)

57: What do I think about most? Everything at once or nothing at all.

58: What’s my strangest talent? I can crack my big toes unlimited times.

59: Do I have any strange phobias? Nail Clippers.

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind

61: What was the last lie I told? “I’m just tired”

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Neither

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Both but ghosts hardcore

64: Do I believe in magic? Absolutely.

65: Do I believe in luck? Yes

66: What’s the weather like right now? Raining and cold

67: What was the last book I’ve read? “Tennyson” by Leslie M M Blume

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? Love it

69: Do I have any nicknames? Liz, Izzy, Awalabash, Blue

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? Im not sure I’ve actually had an “injury”, but my knees are definitely shit.

71: Do I spend money or save it? Save, unless I HAVE to have it.

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? Nope

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? Yes my tervis

74: Favorite animal? Cats. any cats.

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Working

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? Didn't know he had one.

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? Always is a strong word, but want me to race down the highway? KICKSTART MY HEART; MOTLEY CRUE. Want me to feel things? “Would you love a monster man?”; Lordi, want me to sing my heart out? Basically anything throwback to HS or ANYTHING Panic! ATD I could go on...

78: How can you win my heart? Its really hard to win my heart, but once I fall, I fall hard. I love immensely and its dangerous.

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? Don't really want to fucking think about it.

80: What is my favorite word? Clusterfuck

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: According to tumblr? @stayfree86, @iampikachuhearmeroar, @dailyhangover, @kiddysa-bunnpire, @belovedgoofball

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? The world needs to be kinder...

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? Not that I know of.

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? Invisibility.

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? ....

86: What is my current desktop picture? Stock

87: Had sex? yep.

88: Bought condoms? Yes

89: Gotten pregnant? Nope

90: Failed a class? Yes

91: Kissed a boy? Yes

92: Kissed a girl? Yes

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Kind of.. not magically like...

94: Had job? Multiple

95: Left the house without my wallet? Yes

96: Bullied someone on the internet? Never

97: Had sex in public? No

98: Played on a sports team? Yes

99: Smoked weed? A lot, not anymore

100: Did drugs? Never

101: Smoked cigarettes? My vice.

102: Drank alcohol? Yes

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? Nope

104: Been overweight? My dad says I am.

105: Been underweight? In high school.

106: Been to a wedding? Yes

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Yes

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Yes

109: Been outside my home country? Twice

110: Gotten my heart broken? Of course.

111: Been to a professional sports game? Yes

112: Broken a bone? No

113: Cut myself? Yes...

114: Been to prom? Yes

115: Been in airplane? Yes

116: Fly by helicopter? No

117: What concerts have I been to? Insane Clown Posse, Slipknot/Marilyn Manson/Of Mice and Men, David Allen Coe

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? Yes

119: Learned another language? Sort of

120: Wore make up? Yes

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? Yes (15)

122: Had oral sex? Yes

123: Dyed my hair? Yes

124: Voted in a presidential election? Yes

125: Rode in an ambulance? Not that I know of

126: Had a surgery? A few

127: Met someone famous? Not really?

128: Stalked someone on a social network? yep

129: Peed outside? Duh

130: Been fishing? Duh

131: Helped with charity? Donated

132: Been rejected by a crush? Yup.

133: Broken a mirror? Yes

134: What do I want for birthday? My birthday isn't special.

[futurewriter2000]

The Bully ~ Part 5

A/N: Okay so I can’t sleep and I probably won’t sleep all night so I might as well do something. I feel really proud of this part though. Though I might thought I would finish it in this one I then thought of one last scene for the next part. And I also tagged the last person because I just felt like she was just so excited about the 4th part.

TAGS: @spicelupin , @ashkuuuu , @magical-spit , @nadinissavage , @moony-luvs-pads , @paigeyisme , @literally-anythin , @ira-and-ephelis , @pleasethinkimfunny , @i-want-to-fuck-that-dorito-man , @shadyladyperfection , @geeksareunique , @spicelupin , @oreofrappiewithblueberry

Part 1 Part 2  Part 3 Part 4 Part 6

Xx

Quidditch. Man did James Potter love Quidditch. The rush, the adrenaline and the chasing. Quidditch.

And that was where he was coming from. From his Qudditch morning practice to the Great Hall for his morning breakfast, even though he already had one.

He saw his friends at the table, Lily sitting a few seats down and instead of them, he chose her. “Morning Evans.” he smiled earning only a sigh from her.

“Potter.” she replied and continued to scan her book.

“So have you thought of it?” he grinned and slowly moved the book away.

Finally deciding to look the boy in the eyes, she grabbed her things and stood up. “The answer has always been and always will be: a no.”

“Well then love, see you in Potions.” he winked at her, looking at his friends and sliding over to them. “Yello.”

“Prongs. Got enough sleep last night?” asked Sirius, his eyes set on a piece of parchment with his quill scribbling down any word he could think of.

“In fact I got great sleep last night.” he beamed and stretched his arms.

“Oh did you now?” grinned Remus and turned another page in his book.

James furrowed his eyesbrows at his friend. What was that tone all about? And it wasn’t only Remus with that smug face of his, but the other two had it too. “Yeah?” he spoke confusely, his answer sounding more like a question.

“Nothing. Nothing.” replied Remus, taking a sip of his tea and hiding his smile behind the book.

“Okay?” puzzled James. What were then on to? Was he missing something?

After a moment of silence, Peter who has been pretending to write his homework, saw you passing by the Slytherin table and he knew, that he can’t just leave last night alone. “Chocolate.” he mumbled and quickly took another sip of his juice.

Remus and Sirius both looked at eachother, sharing the same mischivious look as they both knew where this was going. “Gorgeous hair.” continued Sirius, getting a chuckle from the boys.

James shot his head up.

“Adorable angry eyes.” added Remus earning another snicker from the boys as James conitinued with solving this puzzle.

“You’re too cute for him.” continued Sirius as the boys continued to laugh.

“Okay what’s going on here?” snapped James and glared as his friends continuing with the looks and the giggling.

“Oh, it’s just an inside joke…” explained Peter, trying not to laugh one more time but failing.

“Mind to fill me in?” replied James, his impatience slowly forming in a frown.

“Only if you are prepared to pay.” said Peter, his eyes sparkling with evilness.

“Prepared to pay?” James quievered as he got lost in this whole conversation.

“Yes. 20 Galleons.” continued Remus.

“20 Galleons?” asked James.

“Oh Moony, don’t forget the 5 Sickles.” added Sirius and turned back to James.

“You know what?! I am not going to let you guys ruin this day for me.” frowned James, standing up and walking away from the table.

—-

The teasing didn’t end. They kept saying the same words to James. Either was when they passed him by or normally when he was doing schoolwork. Always the same words coming from the same person.

“Chocolate.” said Peter, breaking the silence in the room while everybody kept working on their own essay.

Sirius and Remus shared the same mischivious look as before and smiled. “Gorgeous hair.” sang Sirius, putting his hand on his heart and spinning on his chair.

“Adorable angry eyes.” continued Remus, opening his arms and as Sirius, spinning on his chair.

“Seriously guys. Stop it. It’s not funny.” spoke James flatly and continued to try and focus on his essay.

“But you’re too cute for him.” cooed Sirius and leant forward.

“What does that even mean!?!” he snapped, standing up from his chair and throwing down his quill. “And don’t say 20 Galleons and 5 Sickles because I will end you!” he shouted in the room, earning complete silence from the boys.

They all looked at eachother, their smiles slowly emerging on the corner of their lips before they jumped on their feet and sang together. “20 Galleons and 5 Sickles!”

“Ughh! I am leaving!” he yelled and stormed out of the room.

—-

“Stupid friends and their inside jokes.” he muttered angrly and threw another rock in the lake.

‘What does that even mean? Chocolate, gorgeous hair, adorable angry eyes,…’ he thought to himself before noticing you walking around the lake under the arms of Regulus Black.

“Oh great.” he scoffed and continued to watch you giggle and laugh to Regulus’ comments.

What was so funny anyway? He was funnier than Regulus. He could make you laugh with tears of joy in those adorable angry eyes.

Wait.

’Adorable angry eyes?’ he thought for a second before he was interrupted by your laugh once more.

“Wow.” he sighed. You really do have the most wonderful laugh.

If only he was there with you instead of Regulus. He thought before realizing his thoughts.

“Wait what?” he spoke outloud, louder than intended.

He quickly got on his feet and ran into the Forbidden Forest. “No, no, no, no, no. NO!” He was not falling for you. No way. He is in love with Lily Evans and you are jus the girl who gets on his nerves all the time. He hates you. “I mean I don’t hate her I just can’t stand her.” he muttered under his breath, pacing around the woods and biting his nail. “Yeah!” he beamed and threw his air in the air.

He was panicking over nothing. It was just the guilt talking.

Yeah, blame it on the guilt James.

—-

“Did you hear Prongs?” smiled Sirius, nudging James and waking him from his nap.

“Not now Pads. I’m napping?” murmured James and nuzzled his head into his arms.

“Well there is 5 more minutes of class left so you have to wake up at some point.” smirked Sirius and slapped him on the back of his head. “Wake up.”

“Fine.” groaned James and shot his head up. Rubbing his eyes, he grabbed his glasses and put them on, only to see Sirius grinn grow bigger. “Now what didn’t I hear?”

“Regulus and (y/n) broke up.”

“They what?!” he exclaimed, earning an ugly glare from proffesor Binns. Seeing Sirius smirk, he fixed his expression and cleared his throat. “I mean…so?”

“Sooo..this is your chance to ask her out.” whispered Sirius.

“Ha!” scoffed James. “Why would I do that?”

“Because you fancy her.”

“I do not.” denied James and looked at the blackboard, pretending to listen to Bins even though he had no clue what this class was about.

“ Fine. So you don’t mind me asking her out?” said Sirius, leaning on his chair and looking at his reaction.

Yes.

“No. Go ahead.” replied James, barely keeping it together.

“I will.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.” finished Sirius and hearing the bell ring. “In fact I’ll ask her right now.” he smiled and walked after you.

‘There is no way she’ll say yes to him after their break-up.’ thought James and walked out of the class only to see you and Sirius talking to eachother already.

“Actually, I would use the distraction right now.” you smiled at Sirius and looked up to James.

He was fuming inside. The fuck were you saying yes to Sirius asking you out!

Storming over to you, his eyes burning with fire, he grabbed you by the arm and turned you around. “You are not going on a date with Sirius!” he barked at you, later turning to Sirius and pointing his index finger at him. “And no you can’t!”

But Sirius only smiled at the two of you, lifting his hands in defeat and slowly walking away. “My job here is done.” he added but none of two of you cared about Sirius right now.

“What are you?! My father?” you scoffed and crossed your arms.

“No but you just broke up with Regulus and now you’re going out with his brother! The hell do you think you are?”

“Why do you care?!! All you did for the last year was torture me! So why do you care about who do I go out with or not!”

That’s when he shut up. He didn’t have an answer for that so he softened his look to you and released his clenching fists.

“Yeah. Thought so..” you retorded and pushed passed him.

And there it was. That chocolate smell of yours, washing over him and blessing hs nostrills.

“Wait!” he shouted and grabbed your hand.

And there they were. Your adorable angry eyes. “No way.” he smiled and looked up to your hair. “Gorgeous hair.” he mumbled quietly.

“Potter you are talking nonsense.”

“No. I’m not. I finally figured it out.” he smiled and took your hands.

“Good for you, now let me go.” you said angrly, trying to get out of his grip but instead he pulled you closer and crashed his lips onto yours.

Before you could push away, you realized you were already kissing him back. His hands found their way to your lower back, pressing you closer against him as yours ran through his messy dark hair, gripping it tigher and kissing him harder. All the anger you felt towards him was now expressed into one hungry kiss.

Finally realizing who were you actually kissing, you pulled away and pushed him away. “No. No way I’m doing this.”

[ittybittyria]

yet another processing post

So sometime during my first year of college someone told me that Christian communities are where you find the friends that become family. Four years later and I think that was one of the biggest pieces of bullshit I bought into.

Don't get me wrong, I've experienced A LOT of growth in the Christian communities I've been a part of and met great people, but I've also experienced an immense amount of judgement, shame, and hurt.

First off, college. LOL I say this all the time and I truly do mean it, college was probably the worst season of my life. On top of family brokenness, struggling with academics, and learning to manage several mental disorders, I had to deal with bullies, racism, sexism, rumors, exceedingly high expectations, never ending judgement companied with unwarned suggestions from several people who knew nothing about me on how to live my life, shaming, and several other things from my Christian fellowship. I think my broken idea of what family is alongside believing that Christian communities are where you find friends that become family made me think that this was okay. It literally took a complete breakdown, losing several friends / mentors, and ending up in the psych ward for me to realize that it was such a toxic environment. But, being in IV did impact me in a lot of positive ways such as personal & spiritual growth, meeting several slightly older folks who became positive role models and influences in my life, new opportunities for me to explore passions, and meeting people outside of UCD that deeply touched my heart. If I could do college over again, I'd still join IV, but I'd just do things differently. I would tell my college self to not lose yourself in the midst of all these leadership trainings / discipleship meetings / staff meet-ups, don't listen to people when they tell you who or what to give your time to because that's up to you, and that God's voice is the most important.

Looking back on college, there's really only one person I met in IV that has become family, and most of our friendship grew outside of IV considering she stopped going LOL There's others that are still friends / acquaintances that I talk to every now and then, see on social media, etc. These positive relationships that really do mean the world to me because they've really help shape me to who I am now. Being led by Victoria, being mentored by Alexi, sharing a friendship with Lily, being encouraged by Robert, etc. are things I treasure. Some of those friendships are still active on social media and it's always a reminder that college wasn't all pain. And then there's a lot of relationships that ended in hurt either through hurtful actions or fading away cause the friendship wasn't worth fostering to them. Those I still treasure for the positive moments and the season they were present in my life. But it's hard to look at those and smile because there's still a lot of hurt I have yet to move past. All in all, my college experience in a Christian community didn't showcase "friends becoming family." Rather it was a mix of meeting great people that challenged me and inspired me, and meeting people that made me lose myself and cause a deep amount of hurt.

As for post-grad, welp. It's been a journey. There's everything with Bayside Davis, which has been negative for the most part. Then there's my small group, which has been a difficult mix of both positive and negative. Positive because I genuinely love my small group. I enjoy our biblical discussions, I feel challenged and encouraged by them, we've shared a lot of laughs, and they're just great people overall. I just feel myself growing with this group and I enjoy the presence of each person. But negative because we aren't really a community LOL All we do is see each other on Thursday's and sometimes at church, and all we ever talk about is from the guided discussion at SG. We've had like four hang outs, three of which I've attended, and they've either been barely anyone or really short or no good chats about getting to know each other. So it's been weird to be in this group and feel growth personally and spiritually, but not in community. It's kinda weird heh.

And today, well, today made cry...a lot. A few days ago I texted my SG being real about how holidays are hard because my family and I go to different churches (it's a lot more than that but I wasn't get too deep into it over text lmao) and I tend to go alone and I was open with them and said that I didn't want to spend Easter morning at church alone and I was hoping to be with community. I asked which service they were going to and if I could join them. Only Elvira responded and she let me know that her and Kevin were serving at the 9am, but that means they don't get to sit during service. No one else responded and I assumed they'd gone back to their hometowns to be with family or just weren't going to Midtown. So I cried last night because I really just didn't want to go church alone. But I woke up this morning feeling good. My window was open, birds were singing, the sun was rising, and I just felt good. I was reminded that I was going to church alone, but I wasn't alone. I went to the 9am service, sat by myself, and loved every second of it. Could it have been better shared with community? Hell yeah, but I was still filled with joy. When I got to my car, someone from SG texted asking where people were sitting and they sent a picture and lookie there, my SG was all together for the second service. I just sat in my car trying not ruin my make-up with tears. I fought them back for a solid 30 minutes.

What got me was that there's a guy in my SG who I've known all through college. He's seen me through a lot and I've opened up to him. He knows the issues with my family and I've talked about how hard holidays are for me. And he couldn't even text me to tell me what service he was going to. I'm like 10x more angry and frustrated with him than the rest of my SG. I literally save him a seat every regular Sunday and his ass walks in late with a donut and coffee every time. Like he couldn't just respond and say 11am. It takes less than a minute to type and send that. And hearing all my family problems and the pain I carry along with it, he just couldn't fucking do it. Y'all I cannot even put into words how unloved I felt today by him.

And even my SG. I was honestly disappointed. I've planned all our hang outs, I've missed TWO small groups (one for a car problem and the other because I wanted to support a friend at her performance). They even said I get the award for best attendance cause I've probably been to the most SG's and YP events. I take time every weekend to pray for their prayer requests and if God brings something up when I pray, I text them. I don't do this to get anything back, like I promise I don't. I genuinely do this because I love my SG, I want the best for them, and I care about them. But I am hurt that no one could just say "11am" when I asked what service. Like...where are the friends that become family?

When I look at the people in my life and I see the friends that have become family, I didn't meet them jn Christian communities. I met them in HS (which was a catholic HS but it doesn't count cause it's totally different lmao) and through those HS friends. They've become family and most of them don't even fucking live in the same city as me. I've seen us travel miles on miles to celebrate birthdays, support each other at performances, be there at graduations, welcome people back at the airport, etc. I've seen us stick up for each other when racism and/or sexual harassment as come up, challenge each other to be better, call each other out on shit we do, etc. I've seen us laugh and cry all in the same hour, be vulnerable and share our stories, listen well and honor the stories we hear, etc. I've seen us go above and beyond to be good friends to each other and these are the friends that have become family.

I don't expect Jessica to fly to celebrate my birthday with me and I don't expect Luis to tell a guy to go away and leave me alone when he's been harassing me and I don't expect Holly to feed me chips outside the club when my drunk ass is hungry. I don't expect these of them and I'd never ask this of them. But a fucking text back when I send you a long message about why I'm thankful were part of my 2017 and how I hope you have a full and joyful 2018 would be nice. Like a thank you. Or you could even just heart the damn message. Or John could just say "I'm going to the 11am service" when I ask our SG which Easter service their going to so I don't go alone. Or even a "thanks for saving a seat" on Sunday's. But nothing. I don't even expect my friends friends to go above and beyond. Like I'm fucking living when they text me saying they also like Enlightened more than they like Halo Top and "OMG did you smell the easter bath bombs at lush? I think you'd like it." Honestly being friends with me really isn't hard. Like my biggest things are initiating every now and then, stick to your word and show up when you say you'll show up, and fucking texting back. Those are the main things and I really don't think they're that complex / difficult. Yet it seems like the only people that can do that in my life are Sabrina, my HS friends, and the friends I met through them. And relating back to what I was originally processing, Sabrina is the only one I met through a Christian community. Goes to show that the whole "Christian communities are where you meet the friends that become family" didn't happen for me heh

It's hard cause I have to remind myself that not everyone wants a friendship with me. But at the same time, don't ask me to plan SG hang outs or show up late to church cause you wanted Starbucks and you know I'll save you a seat or ask me for a ride somewhere when you don't plan on being a friend to me. Don't sit their receiving the benefits of a friendship with me without being a fucking friend to me. Recognize that you're taking advantage of it and either fucking stop or be a friend. Cause it hurts from this side of the situation.

--

LOL wow this post took a turn. I went from talking about buying into the bullshit that Christian communities hold the best friendships you'll have to just friendship in general to getting really fucking mad at people. I think the turn this took is a sign that I need to spend some time in prayer and with God cause there ain't no room in my heart for this bitterness.

Okay I'm tired now and I want to watch Grey's Anatomy to let my brain just stop thinking for a bit and I also need to go pray cause yeah, bitterness ain't cool n shit

[undeadnerds]

Spoiler alert for spiderman homecoming!!!

So I saw Spiderman: Homecoming for the second time yesterday (in 3D too!!! it was cool!!!) and here are some random things i thought were relatable as a Real Teen (im 17 in case u didn’t know). sorry this is a mess, im just trying to get my thoughts out.

feeling trapped and helpless in a situation (tom holland’s performance when peter was trapped under that building was so raw and heartbreaking, but as a metaphor for the teenage experience i think it was really real too. it’s really easy for me to feel powerless in situations bc im not that old or experienced, and this scene captured that so well)

feeling like you’re being ignored by adults, especially bc of your age and inexperience, when you actually have some good/relevant points (”if you had just listened to me!!!!” fuck the scene on the roof with tony after the ferry part hit me so HARD. ik that tony was semi right--I say semi bc toomes was there and probs would have still wrecked havoc even tho the fbi were there-- but wow that was so real for me)

feeling more grown up and experienced than you actually are and not listening when the adults are actually right (peter definitely wasn’t ready to join the avengers at the beginning of the movie even though he thought he was ready for something bigger. im really glad that he turned down tony’s offer at the end in order to keep fighting for the little guy bc i think that’s one of the biggest appeals of spiderman, though we are definitely gonna see him work w the avengers later in infinity war.)

being told not to do the thing, but doing the thing anyways (i.e. the whole movie, lmao)

your parent/guardian knowing more than you think they do (when may says she knows that something is going on w peter and she knows he sneaks out every night. i think we all sometimes think our parents are dumber/less perceptive than they actually are)

having a good relationship w ur parents/guardians but still doing stuff behind their backs and lying sometimes bc they wouldn’t be down w what youre doing (i loved the relationship between aunt may and peter, but obviously peter is keeping the whole spiderman thing a secret from her for obvious reasons,,,, until that last scene of course lmao)

adults being around, but being in your own little teen world for the most part (peter sneaking behind may and tony’s backs and only really confiding w ned. listen, there are things that only my friends know/will know about me.)

having very clear, black and white morals

trying your best and failing (this is probs relatable to everyone not just teenagers)

adults, and even sometimes your own peers, pushing college and the future on you. (making sure to do enough extracurriculars, and looking into colleges, etc. tony being like “its never to early to start thinking about college, kid” when peter is a SOPHOMORE!!! maybe for some people that felt a bit excessive, but i started looking into colleges as a freshmen, and college in general has been an ever present force hanging over my head.)

that one annoying kid who thinks he’s smarter and superior to you even tho he isn’t (f l a s h!!!! also i liked how he wasn’t a stereotypical “beat you up and take your lunch money” bully, bc at least in my experience they dont exist at my hs. the rich kid who thinks he’s superior and calls others names is much more real i think. i actually can’t wait to see what they do with flash later on.)

the teachers who dont care anymore/ are a little bit dead inside (when peter is in the tech room and the teacher doesn’t even look up from his book. also gym teachers who dont put any effort in is so very real)

cringey videos that are supposed to teach you lessons (the cap videos were SO FUNNY, but also SO REAL. i can see the puberty videos, and sex ed videos i was shown so clearly in my mind, and they’re all really old and so. bad. wow.)

that’s all i can think of for now yall, i’ll add to this if i think of any more.

[lafortis]

Do the first 12 ask things

tell me about your crush!!!!!!!ahh well my crush is a beautiful elegant person whomst I do not deserve but whom accepts this about me and is understanding and wonderful anyway (and draws rly rly fucking well and [I’m lead to believe] is a mean lean vegan chef chopping greens)tell me about your exidk which one to talk abt so I’ll go with list recent. she was pretty cool, she followed me on Twitter and I recognised her from HS then a week or two later she had a mutual friend invite me to a basement party where me n tittles (aka The Good Jordan) got demolished and I think I smoked my first tiny bit of weed, then I made out with her on her basement floor or mattress or smthn (her pajamas were very soft). I sort of talked tittles n nevin into talking me into hitting her up afterwards, got together (while they were still around lmao) and watched a like bo Burnham special and made out or something. She was coming off a breakup, we hung out/talked on n off for a while with her being super inconsistent, dated for a few months (I drove her around a lot), and then it got #messy I guess yikestell me about your dayI woke up, finished my book and had a coffee (which I’m becoming increasingly convinced I should stop), grabbed rob, picked up Reid from work, got food, went home, grabbed Nevin, went to Anthony’s for melee n too watch evo. Jordan (aka The Bad Jordan) and Richard showed up too, it’s aiiiight, we break apart when Anthony has to pick up his gf, we drop Reid off, the crew we came with plus alek whom we get from McDonald’s go to my house to watch the rest n play melee, n then we’re done :D Rob and I go to try to catch a togetic but mine flees :’( now I’m heretell me about your dreamsLiterally my dreams or my aspirations? I think yesterday i dreamed I made day two of evo or some other big tournament and then missed my bracket and got disqualified (believable tbh), and probably also some random sex dream and maybe some other stuff. I’m off my vyvanse rn so i think my dreams r more vivid. As for aspirations… Probably like power honestly. Not like sinisterly, just the concept of decision making power. Like I think I’m smart and could do well and save lives if given the reins of whatever. tell me about your dramaLord… Aight. uhhh the messiest I’ve ever been was the end of the relationship with my last ex and I don’t want to just literally say everything on Tumblr but idk. basically she cheated on me at a house party I wasn’t at and I didn’t find out until after we were on a break/maybe half broken up for something completely random and petty, and after she interrogated me about cheating on her, from one of our close mutual friends. i was miffed, don’t even remember most of it, mostly just got near-black out drunk at a Canada day party, vomited on alek I think, loudly forgave the dude she cheated on me w. also there was some suggestion she cheated on me more than that but also some suggestion she may have lied about that to seem cool???? Idk it was all messy and I didn’t comport myself particularly well either (although I forgive myself I guess given the circumstances)tell me about yourself :-)I’m a 21 year old white guy, a little above average weight, average ish height, pretty stocky and broad shouldered, my head is huge. I’ve dropped out of uni twice. I’m supposedly smart but have trouble putting that to good use. I’m very good at some of the most technical elements of super smash bros melee and am working on the rest. I enjoy history and fantasy and my major if I ever finish it is in international relations. geopolitics is the core of what I find interesting above. Politically I’m probably a democratic socialist. I listen to a lot of mainstream hip hop and not much else tbh (I have a nujabes Spotify mix to relax n study to). I’m on an Effexor XR (for anxiety and depression), an SNRI, and Vyvanse (for ADHD), a stimulant. I have two lovely dogs. I think I’m really self aware but I’m not sure. I have too much arrogance and also too little self esteem. I’m often quite loud, and my brand of humour is like mostly either the like false arrogance/bravado, running jokes into the ground, or wordplay I guess? Or just sarcasm. Idk I make ppl laugh most of the time but I’m not sure I’m actually funny. I think this is enough without getting too much righttell me about something awkward/embarrassingUhhh idk what would be awkward and embarrassing. I had a huge crush on one of my long time friends in early high school. We admitted to each other we were like each others first choice to marry when we were adults. But we started hanging out for a day or two like we were dating and I like literally suffocated her into just immediately pulling the plug because she realised how wack I wastell me about a funny story or somethingUhhhhhhhhhhhh this might be where it really breaks down. I’m not sure I have a funny story. Which is odd, given I just said I thought I was funny. But I couldn’t rly pluck one out of thin air that wasn’t mostly just bullying someone the story was about lmaotell me your favourite band/artist/album/songKendrick Lamar is probably my fav artist rn, Yeah Right by Vince Staples is my fav song probably. The Kendrick feature is insane. (I don’t love Kendrick as much as this response make it sound I just have that album on CD along with damn so it’s been in my head of late)tell me about your favourite memeSearch Toyota previa on my blog to find the post. That is my favourite post. I love that post fuck I have no idea why but fuck. tell me about your favourite ficI don’t rly read fic but I guess my fav was the one I read almost all the way thru, Harry Potter and the methods of Rationality. It was kinda dumb rationalist wank but I’m a rationalist wanker so sue metell me a secret ;)Ohoho there’s a winky face so it better be sexual I guess… Idk what kind of secret there is here. I don’t rly keep those tbh, except for other ppl. Uhh I’ll just choose something rly private? What is there even then hmmmMMMM wait of course I have a good one duh. I was part of an internet secret society :o still am I guess. If u wanted a sexual secret uhhh the secret is in my junk? Women love that shit. Mostly. I was gonna say I’ve made all but one of my partner’s cum but that’s not rly true anymore given I’ve had a few one off hookups under various extenuating circumstances and never got to correct my failures :’( such is life Thank u so much for this and I’m so sorry for all this FUCKING text I’m gonna edit in a read more but I’m sorry mobile users if it doesn’t work I’m so so sorry

[outerspace-castaway]

just found out that there are people who hate taylor swift so much that they make videos on youtube explaining why they hate her.

so far I've only watched 3 and wow these girls know nothing about taylor but they hate her so much. I did rant in their video comment sections:

video 1:'why I hate taylor swift' channel: daniella

my rant:

 you literally say what you know about taylor is what the media portrays yet that set you off enough to make a video about her being a horrible, fake person. really? fucking really/ there are a lot of parody videos of taylor /fan made videos etc, and they have not been taken down. 1 famous youtubers video gets taken down and yall lose your shit. btw taylor's mgmt team is more than just her. taylor didnt have a guitar teacher. when she was about 11 a computer guy came over to fix her families computer before he left he taught her a few begginers chords then years laters trys to profit off of her name. taylor has a right to me pissed by that. taylor isnt the first or last celebrity to get thing copyrighted. kanye and beyonce for exaple have hunders of things copyrighted. also taylor isnt getting things copyrighted just bc, she's doing it so big companys cant used her image without her knowing. and ps she doesnt have any lyrics that say "party like its 1989" im guess youre getting that confused with prince's 1999, where he says 'lets party like its 1999' its called being HUMBLE do you not know the meaning of the word humble, i guess you dont, futhermore even tho taylor is surprised when she wins, she does not cry every time. and even if she did why does someone crying bother you? she literally wrote a message about why she took her music off spotify saying that "she doesnt need anymore money", she said she "has enough money to pay her dancers from her tour alone' she pointed out how smaller artist, like indepent artist dont get paid properly by spotify bc spotify takes most of the money for themselves, she also said music is art and art should be free.....adele too her music off spotify too, i'll be waiting for your video attacking adele... btw what your obsession with sticks being in asses? this video was pretty much just full of lies instead of going by the medias portrayal of a person how about try and look for the truth. who am i kinding you as well as everyone in the comments dont care about the truth do you? just sad and pathetic really.

 video 2: 'why I hate taylor swift' channel: july2ish

my rant:

 kim exposed taylor: taylor was not told "i made that bitch famous" she should clarified that was the lyric but she didnt lie --- omg you hate her bc she dated harry are you in 4th grade, he asked her out. "im about feminism" but you hate her for dating hs taylor doesnt like papa following her -- you hate her bc of her wealth --- dont people pay for spotify too???? -- she didnt sue fans they were sent ciest & disist letter until their copyright issues were straighted out --- the guy wasnt a guitar teacher he was a computer guy who came to the familys home and taught her a few chords before he left, and he wasnt sued -- she copyrighted a stylized version of the year 1989 that was made for her tour not the year or number 1989 here is who taylor swift sued: THAT GUY WHO SEXUAL ASSUALTED HER BY PUTTING HIS HAND UP HER SIRT AND ON HER ASS.

video 3: '6 reasons i hate taylor swift' channel: queen maryah watkins productions (comments were disabled so I left this on her channel)

1. her pr team didnt clarify which lyric she was offended by, she thought kanye was going to use "i made her famous" that is what taylor said in the video kim posted. kanye didnt tell her "i made that bitch famous" "perfessional victim" thats some bullshit. she writes aboutr her feeling, a majority of her songs are NOT about breakups but love songs. ps she isnt the only artist to write about break ups 2. taylor's dad invest in big machine records after she signed to the label. shes very talnted, she does work hard and she walked away from a record label who wanted to sign her because they would alway taylor to write her own music so she walk away then was discovered and signed by scott borschetta then her dad invested in big machine records

3. she doesnt have to dance, really why the hell does that matter? no her voice isnt like whitney or beyonce, its softer, she cant do big notes like they do that doesnt mean she can sing. shes a great guitar player why doent you actually watch her play and she plays multiple intruments well as fpr her lyrics she writers masterpieces, listen to something other than shake it off or wanegbt.

 and are you really saying you hate her because of her look and her fashion choices do you not hear how petty that is 4. calling out nicki is the ONLY time shes ever did anything like that. and are you seriously mad bc she gets excited for friends accomplishments? ed sheeran is her best friend. she didnt say she was looking forward to controversy, she said she was looking forward to telling people she knew about the song, not about wanting controversy from it. 5. "has not integrity for music.." she wants people to understand that music is art and should be treated as such, as for writing TIWYCF under a fake name, she and calvin agreed to do that together 'catfished, disillusioned, perplexed', are you fucking with me? swifties were excited when we found out taylor wrote it. you think she lies on her album credits bc of one fucking song? my god could you get anymore stupid? 6. im tired of this "greedy" bullshit. its a lie she didnt say she wants more money for youtube y\this is some bull you pulled out of you ass. she literally said in her apple music letter that she did not need anymore money. go fucking read the damn thing its on her tumblr page. i cannot tell you how pathetic and stupid you sound in this video, this video is filled with lies get a fucking life

video 4: 'rant why i hate taylor swift explicit' channel: lacye leuko

her pr team didnt clarify which lyric she was offended by, she thought kanye was going to use "i made her famous" that is what taylor said in the video kim posted. kanye didnt tell her "i made that bitch famous" therefore she did not have full compltee knowledge. kanye deserves shade but her point was to uplift young girls, something she been doing for years, she used kanye lie to her benefit

kanye is an ass who does & says bad things to many people dont act like he doesnt deserve to be shaded.

her rep leak the info, he should have informed first but why does that bother you?

taylor never confirmed bad blood is about katy, katy did that herself. taylor doesnt have a prolem with tina and amy she was just pissed about the joke.

she's not a snake the video proves kanye didnt say 'i made that bitch famous' the lyric she was told ' i made her famous'

nothing was wrong with selena defending her friend.

i cant believe how you and other taylor haters really dont want to see the truth about taylor.

a few etsy fans were sent Cease and desist orders because of copyright issues, there are still thousands a taylor swift fan artwork on etsy. if those copyright issues were fixed those fans art were probly put back on etsy.

the only female she is fueding with is katy and by that i mean, katy keeps findong ways to talk about her but she keeps her mouth shut about katy.

taylor swift: does charity work. ispires many young girls, is a great role model. you know nothing about how she influences her fans for the better. how she gives speeches and messages of positivity to her fans. you know nothing about the reall taylor swift, just tabloids and bullshit

// 'So, About Taylor Swift Getting Put On Blast... Watch white Feminism Work'

channel Sensei Aishitemasu // its a 33 minute video. this person wasted 33 mintues of their time to talk aout why they hate taylor (im definitely NOT going to watch that)

i still said something anyway: im not watching this video bc im sure its bullshit just like the others, but why did you waste 33 minutes of your time to bitch about a pop singer and her "white feminism" you hate taylor swift GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND GROW THE FUCK UP. and black people idk how this little white girl hurt you so damn much, I can say that be im black too and get bullied on twitter by other black ppl who are offended I like this white singer. she doesn't do the things you like, shhes not an activist, she writes breakup song songs, she cant sing like whitney, who tf cares? IGNORE HER!. change the channel, turn off the radio when shes on, don't pick up magazines with her face on them, stay off her twitter and instagram. just fucking leave her alone, its not that hard to do.

i just cant wrap my head around these people having so much hate for taylor. shes a good fuking person. no shes not perfect, yes she makes mistakes but for the ove of god there are worst people than her in the entertainment industry but shes treated like the devil

how does taylor have these people so easily pressed and bothered?

[illumi-nnaughtyy]

1-155 ahahahah

I'm petty asf so here ya go 😂 1: Name- Bailey 2: Age- 17 (almost 18)3: Fears- lol everyone y'all 4: 3 things I love- my dog, pasta, & Morgan 5: 4 turns on- kindness, intelligence, effort, & being funny 6: 4 turns off- not able to keep an interesting convo going, no sense of humor, treat waiting staff bad, and not being good w/ kids7: My best friend- MORGANNN8: Sexual orientation- just living my life homie 9: My best first date- never had one 🙃10: How tall am I- 5'1 (I'm small)11: What do I miss- Izzy💗12: What time were I born- idk I think like 12?13: Favourite color- blue or green14: Do I have a crush- a huge one send help15: Favourite quote- "Live Life For Bella"16: Favourite place- anyplace outdoors or anyplace with coffee 17: Favourite food- ANY AND ALL PASTA 😍18: Do I use sarcasm- lolololololol all the fucking time 19: What am I listening to right now- nothing, but I have headphones in which is weird 20: First thing I notice in new person- sense of humor 21: Shoe size- 6 1/222: Eye color- blue/green23: Hair color- blonde 24: Favourite style of clothing- tshirts I guess 25: Ever done a prank call? I was in middle school once so yep 26: Meaning behind my URL- I liked the song Wake me up by Avicii when I made my blog forever ago :/27: Favourite movie- not so many but atm probably The Proposal 28: Favourite song- too many to chose from 29: Favourite band- idk don't listen to a lot of bands 30: How I feel right now- happy 😊 31: Someone I love- My dog Jake 32: My current relationship status- single 33: My relationship with my parents- I'm really close w/ both although my mom & I argue a lot (about politics and religion mostly), but my dad is my fav human to ever exist 34: Favourite holiday- probably Valentine's Day or Christmas 35: Tattoos and piercing I have- my ears are pierced 36: Tattoos and piercings I want- so many tattoos omg 37: The reason I joined Tumblr- I thought it looked cool?38: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I don't hate her bc I've let go of that negativity but she probs hates me but it's chill 39: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? I have recently & it makes me heart smile bud 40: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? That'd be Morgan so YEET no 41: When did I last hold hands? When my dad was driving me to take my Midterm & I was nervous so he held my hand 42: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? Like 20 minutes, u less I shower then like 40 minuets43: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? Yepppp 44: Where am I right now? Laying in bed 45: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? Morgan probs 46: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? LOUDDDD47: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? Mom48: Am I excited for anything? The future 49: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? My dad 50: How often do I wear a fake smile? Anytime I'm at yee yee south Paulding high school 51: When was the last time I hugged someone? Honestly so long ago it's kinda sad52: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? They would be an invisible person bc I haven't kissed anyone 53: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? Probably 54: What is something I disliked about today? Yes55: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Hmmmm probs lexi or obama 56: What do I think about most? School tbh 57: What’s my strangest talent? My dedication 58: Do I have any strange phobias? I irrationally hate the dark bc I'm five 59: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Both idc 60: What was the last lie I told? That I wasn't mad that my dad wasn't picking me up until tomorrow 61: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Both is fine I prefer in person 62: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Def ghosts but idk about aliens 63: Do I believe in magic? Nah64: Do I believe in luck? Ehhhh not really 65: What’s the weather like right now? Cold as hell66: What was the last book I’ve read? Medical Law, Ethics, and Bio Ethics 67: Do I like the smell of gasoline? Kinda 68: Do I have any nicknames? Bai & Angel 69: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? Broke my arm & my knee 70: Do I spend money or save it? Both 71: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? Nope72: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? My room walls 😅73: Favourite animal? My dog 74: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Talking to lexi 75: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? Trump 76: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? Brown eyed girl 77: How can you win my heart? Make an effort to remember the little things & make me laugh....also if you're good w/ kids 😍78: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? "This bitch was lit asf"79: What is my favorite word? Content 80: My top 5 blogs on tumblr yeet too much work to do this 81: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? Why are we all so hateful?82: Do I have any relatives in jail? Yes83: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? To know everything 84: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? Idk depends on who's asking 85: What is my current desktop picture? Trees 86: Had sex? Nope 87: Bought condoms? Yes (as a dare)88: Gotten pregnant? Nope 89: Failed a class? Nope 90: Kissed a boy? Nope 91: Kissed a girl? Nope92: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Nope 93: Had job? Yes 94: Left the house without my wallet? All the fucking time ugh95: Bullied someone on the internet? No bc I'm not an asshole 96: Had sex in public? Nah 97: Played on a sports team? Yes 98: Smoked weed? No 99: Did drugs? No 100: Smoked cigarettes? No 101: Drank alcohol? Yes 102: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? No 103: Been overweight? No 104: Been underweight? Yes 105: Been to a wedding? Yes I love them so much 😍😍106: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? I do online college so sadly yes 107: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Lololol I'm trash so yes 108: Been outside my home country? Yes 109: Gotten my heart broken? Many times110: Been to a professional sports game? Yes111: Broken a bone? Yes112: Cut myself? .....113: Been to prom? Yes114: Been in airplane? Yes 115: Fly by helicopter? No116: What concerts have I been to? 4 Taylor Swift, 1 Carrie Underwood, & 1 one more that I can't think of 117: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? Lololol so many times 118: Learned another language? Like 2 years of hs Spanish 119: Wore make up? I'm an ugly toe so yes 120: Lost my virginity before I was 18? Nope 121: Had oral sex? Nope 122: Dyed my hair? Yes 123: Voted in a presidential election? Nope 124: Rode in an ambulance? Nope 125: Had a surgery? Yes 126: Met someone famous? Yes 127: Stalked someone on a social network? All the fucking time 128: Peed outside? Yes 129: Been fishing? I live in Georgia so what do u think?130: Helped with charity? Yes 131: Been rejected by a crush? Lol all of them132: Broken a mirror? Sadly 133: What do I want for birthday? Money 134: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? Idk maybe 2 or 3? And I want to name them Dani, Andi, or Amelia 135: Was I named after anyone? Some bitch from my mom fav tv show 136: Do I like my handwriting? Noooo it's horrid 137: What was my favourite toy as a child? A Mickey Mouse teddy bear 138: Favourite Tv Show? Soooo many but atm scandal 139: Where do I want to live when older? Idk just not in Georgia 140: Play any musical instrument? The recorder that I learned in 4th grade 141: One of my scars, how did I get it? I have one on my knee from falling off of my bike & breaking my knee cap 142: Favourite pizza toping? Mushrooms bc I'm trash143: Am I afraid of the dark? Yes 144: Am I afraid of heights? Very 145: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? Nope 146: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Everyday fam 147: What I’m really bad at? Telling ppl how I feel 148: What my greatest achievments are? My academics for sure 149: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me? Prefer not to say 150: What I’d do if I won in a lottery? Pay for college 151: What do I like about myself? Not gonna lie I've got some A+ boobs 152: My closest Tumblr friend? Hmmm idk 153: Something I fantasise about? Moving out of my house & being independent 154: Any thoughts on the paranormal? That it's scary as fuck 155: Free question: Any question you’d like to ask, be it rude, fun, curious, strange, sexual, random, meme related, etc! Lol one wasn't asked

[sea-room]

1-154

Bull1.    Full name Bennett ****** *******

2.    Zodiac sign Umm, Libra?

3.    3 Fears My mind, failing the people I care about, things not getting better

4.    3 things I love My cat, guns, America

5.    4 turns ons C’mere and find out

6.    4 turns offs Poor hygiene, being boring, not being able to count

7.    My best friend I’ve got a few :)

8.    Sexual orientation Ammosexual

9.    My best first date Probably seeing Thor?

10.  How tall am I 5′10 or so

11.  What do I miss
 My sanity

12.  What time were I born
 about 9pm

13.  Favorite Color  Red?

14.  Do I have a crush
 Fuck man, idk

15.  Favorite quote
 sea-room.tumblr.com/tagged/quote

16.  Favorite place
 Warren Island State Park

17.  Favorite food
 Right now? Chimichangas

18.  Do I use sarcasm
  Nah, never.

19.  What am I listening to right now
 Bullet for my Valentine

20.  First thing I notice in new person
 How they present themselves

21.  Shoe size
 10.5

22.  Eye color Hazel

23.  Hair color Brown

24.  Favorite style of clothing
 Functional

25.  Ever done a prank call?
 To friends, yes.

26.  What color of underwear I’m wearing now? Plaid


27.  Meaning behind my URL
 Space out at sea to maneuver

28.  Favorite movie
 The Princess Bride

29.  Favorite song
 Way too goddamn many, but right now Happy Song

30.  Favorite band
 Right now 5FDP

31.  How I feel right now
 Rough.

32.  Someone I love
 My family

33.  My current relationship status
 What relationship?

34.  My relationship with my parents
 Eh, alright

35.  Favorite holiday
 Christmas

36.  Tattoos and piercings?
 None

37.  Tattoos and piercing i want
 Turks head around my upper arm

38.  The reason I joined Tumblr
 A few friends from HS told me I should

39.  Do I and my last ex hate each other?
 lmao

40.  Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?
 Sometimes

41.  Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?
 I don’t know who you last texted.  But the last person I texted?  No.

42.  When did I last hold hands?
 It’s been at least a year

43.  How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?
 half hour?

44.  Have I shaved your legs in the past three days?
 No.

45.  Where am I right now?
 My room

46.  If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?
 Me. 

47.  Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?
 Loud

48.  Do I live with my Mom and Dad?
 No.

49.  Am I excited for anything?
 In This Moment with @sirens-and-stethoscopes, Avenged Sevenfold with @takingbackmyfirstamendmentrights

50.  Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everythingto?
 Yes.

51.  How often do I wear a fake smile?
  80% of the time

52.  When was the last time I hugged someone?
 Yesterday

53.  What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone elseright in front of me?
 I honestly don’t give a fuck.  I don’t even talk to her anymore.

54.  Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?
 Oh sure, plenty.

55.  What is something I disliked about today?
 Waking up and everything following.

56.  If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
 I really don’t know.

57.  What do I think about most?
 How to unfuck my life.

58.  What’s my strangest talent?
 Talking myself into shitty moods

59.  Do I have any strange phobias?
 None.

60.  Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind

61.  What was the last lie I told?
 “I’m ok”

62.  Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
 Phone

63.  Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
 Probs not

64.  Do I believe in magic? Nah

65.  Do I believe in luck?
 No

66.  What’s the weather like right now?
 Too goddamn warm for February

67.  What was the last book I’ve read?
 It’s been too long

68.  Do I like the smell of gasoline?
 Somewhat, but asphalt is better.

69.  Do I have any nicknames?
 Ben Franklin, Smudge

70.  What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?
 Nothing too bad really.

71.  Do I spend money or save it?
 Save

72.  Can I touch my nose with a tongue?
 Well nonny, bring me your tongue and let’s see

73.  Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?
  Ziploc bag

74.  Favourite animal?
 Otters are great

75.  What was I doing last night at 12 AM?
 Sleeping in the car.

76.  What do I think is Satan’s last name is?
 Wat?

77.  What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?
 Isn’t one.

78.  How can you win my heart?
 Take the time to understand me, be a decent person.

79.  What would I want to be written on my tombstone?
 (killed 99 bears)

80.  What is my favourite word
 Spigot

81.  My top 5 blogs on tumblr
 @sea-room, @67-impalas, @gruene-teufel, @sirens-and-stethoscopes, @where-are-your-source-citations, @mountain--miss

82.  If the whole world were listening to me right now, whatwould I say?
 “Go away”

83.  Do I have any relatives in jail?
 An uncle by marriage is in jail for spying for the Russians...

84.  I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They weregood, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of mychoice! What is that power?
 Happiness

85.  What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
 I don’t know.  Ask questions and find out?

86.  What is my current desktop picture?
 A still from 9th Company

87.  Had sex?
 Yup

88.  Bought condoms?
 Yup

89.  Gotten pregnant?
 Nope

90.  Failed a class?
 Yup

91.  Kissed a boy?
 Yup

92.  Kissed a girl?
 Yup

93.  Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?
 Nope

94.  Had job? Do I look like a dirty commie to you?

95.  Left the house without my wallet?
 Yup

96.  Bullied someone on the internet?
 Nope

97.  Had sex in public?
 The woods count?

98.  Played on a sports team?
 Yup

99.  Smoked weed?
 Nope

100.                Did drugs?
 Nope

101.                Smoked cigarettes?
 Yup

102.                Drank alcohol?
 Yup

103.                Am I a vegetarian/vegan?
  lmao no

104.                Been overweight?
 I guess?

105.                Been underweight?
 Yup

106.                Been to a wedding?
 Yup

107.                Been on the computer for 5 hoursstraight?
 Yup

108.                Watched TV for 5 hours straight?
 Maybe?

109.                Been outside my home country?
 Yup

110.                Gotten my heart broken?
 Yup

111.                Been to a professional sports game?
 Yup

112.                Broken a bone?
 Nope

113.                Cut myself?
 Yup

114.                Been to prom?
 Yup

115.                Been in airplane?
 Yup

116.                Fly by helicopter?
 Nope

117.                What concerts have I been to? Of Monsters and Men, Garth Brooks, Fallujah, Boston Pops, Sabaton


118.                Had a crush on someone of the samesex?
 Nope

119.                Learned another language?
 Yup

120.                Wore make up?
 Nope

121.                Lost my virginity before I was 18?
 Nope

122.                 Had oral sex?
 Yup

123.                Dyed my hair?
 Nope

124.                Voted in a presidential election?
 Yup

125.                Rode in an ambulance?
 Yup

126.                Had a surgery?
 Yup

127.                Met someone famous? Joakim Broden and Benjamin Mendlowitz 


128.                Stalked someone on a social network?
 Who hasn’t?

129.                Peed outside?
 Yup

130.                Been fishing?
 Yup

131.                Helped with charity? Yup


132.                Been rejected by a crush? Yup


133.                Broken a mirror?
 No

134.                What do I want for birthday? Stability, happiness, space.  Or guns. Guns is cool too.


135.                How many kids do I want and whatwill be their names?
 Shit man, I don’t even know what I’m gonna eat for dinner

136.                Was I named after anyone?
 No?

137.                Do I like my handwriting?
 It’s fine I guess

138.                What was my favourite toy as achild?  Playmobil

139.                Favourite Tv Show?
 The Dukes of Hazzard

140.                Where do I want to live when older?
 New Hampshire

141.                Play any musical instrument?
 Cello

142.                One of my scars, how did I get it?
 My sister attempted to scratch my eyes out

143.                Favourite pizza toping?
 Buffalo chicken

144.                Am I afraid of the dark?
 Nope

145.                Am I afraid of heights?
 Nope

146.                Have I ever got caught sneaking outor doing anything bad?
 No?

147.                Have I ever tried my hardest andthen gotten disappointed in the end? Fuck yeah

148.                What I’m really bad at
 Most things lmao

149.                What my greatest achievements are
 I built a kayak, I talked three people out of suicide, I built an amplifier

150.                The meanest thing somebody has eversaid to me
 No.

151.                What I’d do if I won in a lottery
 Exactly what I’m supposed to do

152.                What do I like about myself
 I fucking try.

153.                My closest Tumblr friend
 Too goddamn many

154.                Something I fantasize about my ex That’s between me and the version of her I imagine in my head.

Fuck you nonny, that was a lot. 

Who are you anyway?

[aliyawyg20]

prompt 30, the finale:

because I love me, or if I could see me the way love sees me...

the way I unconditionally loved my cat or fell in love with the love my parents had for each other (#kandrewforlife) or the way I am loving my grandmother so fiercely to make up for lost years, if I could love myself in all these ways, I would gift myself everything. i would buy myself glitter pens and everything on my amazon wishlist or waned wishlist or etsy wishlist, just because i wanted me to have it, even if i would put it all down for a while. i would dye my hair white or get myself a white wig. i would get all the tattoos i dream of having. i would practice winged eye liner and see all the shapes my face can make and not learn to only know this one. i would take my body out of this moldy home and live with a garden and courtyard and pool and plants. i would get a new pillow so my neck wouldn't hurt, and change my sheets to something pretty and loving and soft. i would adopt an animal, maybe become codependent together. i would work on my dreams. i would live my dreams coming true. i would call my friend who i have wanted to call for so long and thank another friend for being in my life since we were two years old and even visit her in europe, where she lives. i would wash my face daily. i would order flower child every day without a care. i would get a vespa to ride away on or even a car to blast music the way we used to when we would go driving to the shore or school. i would invite my dad to come comfort me right now. i would cry in public with no shame. i would tell my heroes i love them. i would take pictures with my friends and have my friends take pictures of me. i wish my friends and family would want to take pictures of me. i would be my own muse. i would say "it's ok that you post on instagram one night begging for support and then want to avoid it fully the next day." i would continue to learn to drive so i could drive myself to the cows or for ice cream or for whatever, wherever, whenever. i would take myself on the road tripand listen to the entire beatles discography, front to back, start to finish. i would buy a new computer to have garageband and make music. i would get a singing coach and guitar and guitar teacher. i would hold myself. i would get a cuddle pillow to hold when i cry because my stuffed animals are very small and hard to hold. i would reach out first to the people i want to reach out to me. i wouldn't give up because i wouldn't want to. i would stop offering people money out of insecurity when i think i owe them my body and time. i would receive gifts and pleasure and joy as easily as i receive pain and shame and punishment. i'd orgasm more and gossip about my own shit less. i would finally buy the canvases so i can paint. i would let go of my idea of scarcity and use my journals that i deem too good for me. i would buy a printer so i can print all the kind things i've been told online. i would buy more art. i'd go to japan, italy, switzerland, france, toronto, mexico, ghana, islands, all over the world. i would build my existence day to day, morning to morning, night to night, as lucas said to. i would share my voice with the world. i would share my songs with my close friends and work on them together. i would perform my poetry and music and make a zine i would stop saying "what am i doing wrong? why does god hate me?" and say "look at what i'm doing well! look at all the things god has to love about me. that i have to love about me." i would buy the overtone colorless $30 hair conditioner. i would stop wearing bras when i can and would get the reduction so my chest wouldn't hurt. i'd probably spend the money on supplements and drink waaay more water than i do. i would act and dance the way i always wanted to. i would only perform on stages and not in my daily life and conversations or writing, nonetheless. i would try everything i wanted to and THEN decide that i don't want to do it anymore. i would jump in the creek, even naked. i would get flip flops so i don't need to wear converse all summer. i would get new converse and heely's. i wouldn't keep checking my phone or the prompt to see if i'm doing it right. i would call the people from my past that i really want to speak to and thank and apologize to. "to live life well because I love myself this much." i would give myself even one thing i wanted. to bless myself after all i have been through.

i would thank them all. thank you Bucky, Grandpa Paul, Uncle Maury, Grandpa George, Mitch, Grandma Judy, Mr. Elder, Hunter, Tim, Mr. Ricci, Ryan, Doug, Dottie, Paul, Lisa Morano, Leelah, Robin Williams, MJ, Mojojojo, Hutchyboy, Daddy Podge. None of you died for me to deserve love and I do not deserve love because I have lost you all. I deserve love for no reason at all, and you all knew that and showed me that the best you could in your owns ways. all incredibly unique. I was conditioned otherwise, because we do the best we can with the information we have at the time. But i know in my truth, it was love you were trying to show me, and love i deserve.

i have been asked to live so many lives in just this one. i am just 22 years old, although i feel like a lost child. i did run away as a kid, but was punished even though i didn't see myself as lost. clash of the cleats weekend. started our family dynamic of concern fairly young. got 16 stitches at age 3 after falling. broke my leg going down the wrong slope, dad closely behind but not close enough. i can still feel the spot it broke. ran away again at 14, first day of school. i didn't like it there or a girl i knew prior to my entry. had the cops restrain me and before that, called emergency services to stop me from dying. self harmed in so many fucking ways. bullied and beaten up. cops called at the ice skating rink. the same one that celebrities posed at. taken advantage of and expelled and ostracized. ran away again to colorado to get help because i finally wanted help. cheated on twice. lost my best friend who was there through all of it, my cat, hutch. lost my dad when things were finally getting really good. the best they'd ever been. i keep a list of all the friends who mattered so much to me before all of this happened but who haven't said anything to me, as if saying nothing and not acknowledging the pain makes it so it isn't real and the pain doesn't need to be seen or acknowledged. i don't thank them for that just yet. i am still angry. love will have me forgive myself for blaming myself for their lack of actions.

love will have me get a hammock and bask in it over a beach. love would have me get the copic markers and lawn chair and snap pea fidget toy and blue contacts and blanket and outdoor blanket and avatar comics and record player and inkbox and sea monkeys and hs "woman" lyric t shirt and devinah eyeshadow and all these things instead of begging others to see me enough to know i want all these things in life and more. love would have me stop praying for a platonic sugar daddy to give me all these things, as if i'd use the money and it'd ever be enough or something i'd feel good about. love would say, "aliya, these things will not fulfill you. you are full and filled. you can have them because you can have them. you are whole and beautiful as you are with all you are and with all you aren't. you are loved if one day you want to have stronger boundaries. you are loved if you stop smiling at the flowers. you are loved while you are breathing. you need to keep breathing. you already know you will be loved long after you stop, do not let that motivate you to leave this earth too soon, too early, before you are ready to. you know the pain that brings, you know how you miss your father. you deserve the freshest coconut juice and the most delicious fruits. you deserve home cooked meals and udon noodles. you deserve anything you fucking want in this world. you deserve to sleep and rest and you hear how tired you are. you deserve to fall in love with yourself. you deserve to be your best version of yourself. you deserve to be your favorite version of yourself. you deserve the same love you give to absolutely everyone else you love so fiercely, even though you don't think you do enough, are enough. you are enough. you need to let others love you. you need to believe them. you need to please stay alive to see the day this person, that others love so dearly, is someone you can love, too. you need to stay alive to see and remember that miracles exist, even though they didn't for your dad's recovery in this life. you need to live to see one direction reband, even if you can't tell him. he only loved them because you did and he loved you. your love for the band and all other things you love still gets to be loved and cherished by you. and how lucky they are to be so. remember to invest in yourself. i know you want to be a better friend and person to others so they can be that to you, but don't you think it's so you can be that to you, too? don't you think it has already worked? can't you see how loved you are by others? i know you can't right now. aliya, my dearest love, you NEED to stay alive because one day, when it is all safe again, everyone who loves you, who really, really loves you, will greet you like you'd be greeted in heaven, with giant hugs and all the things you love and the clouds will smile at you and ocean will kiss you hello and the birds will sing to you and the sun will shine on your face revealing every freckle of yours and heaven will be on earth. it is waiting for you. you will be ready. trust your process. you will see all those who know how to love you and it will be so grandiose and outpouring in love that you will forget all those who couldn't be there for you before. you are here now. you've arrived to your temple of peace, and you are alive to see it. aliya, i am love. i bless you with all your dreams. you will change shapes many times. you will think his death was a catalyst, you will wish he was here, you will learn he still is, you will think you only received it because he gave it to you. you will see and be so much more than you already are or know you will be. believe me on that. trust in love. trust in yourself. you are love. at your best, at you worst, you are love, forever deserving and more. i love you so. dearly, truly, forever yours, your love, aliya love."

[d-el-e-ted]

All

I do not like you right now anon but alright all of them

1: Full nameJessica Nichole Ybarra

2: Age 21

3: 3 FearsNot being able to accomplish what I want in life, becoming like my parents, and being alone

4: 3 things I loveMy fur child, my family, and that’s about it lol

5: 4 turns onHickies, neck kisses, her being submissive, scratching

6: 4 turns offClingy, being indecisive and inconsiderate I can only think of three

7: My best friend 🤷🏻‍♀️

8: Sexual orientation gay af 🏳️‍🌈

9: My best first date Can’t really remember what happened exactly

10: How tall am I 5’7

11: What do I miss Actually being able to sleep

12: What time were I bornI wanna say sometime in the afternoon?

13: Favourite color turquoise

14: Do I have a crushDear god I do she’s so fucking adorable too

15: Favourite quote“I am the architect of my own destruction” I have this tattooed on me

16: Favourite place my bed

17: Favourite food anything with pasta

18: Do I use sarcasm like 100000% I’m being sarcastic

19: What am I listening to right nowI wanna be by Kehlani

20: First thing I notice in new personFacial features

21: Shoe size 9 22: Eye color light brown23: Hair color dark brown on top light on the bottom

24: Favourite style of clothing skinny jeans, some vans, t shirt, and a dad hat

25: Ever done a prank call? It’s been a long time since I’ve done that 😂

27: Meaning behind my URLI’m a heartless person nothing new

28: Favourite movie too many favs 😩29: Favourite song waaay too many 30: Favourite band the 1975

31: How I feel right now very very tired32: Someone I love 🤔33: My current relationship status single34: My relationship with my parentsHah! That’s too long to put down on here

35: Favourite holiday Christmas36: Tattoos and piercing i have4 tats and 7 piercings

37: Tattoos and piercing i wantI’m done with piercings but def want a lot more tattoos I’m trying to get my bigger pieces done sometime this year

38: The reason I joined TumblrSomeone told me about it and I was curious been hooked on it ever since

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?Uhhhh good question idk lmao

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts? I do actually

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?Many times

42: When did I last hold hands? Last night

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? If I have my outfit picked out like 20 minutes if not then depends

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? No I haven’t but I need to

45: Where am I right now? Chillin in my bed46: If I were drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? I have an idea of who I’d want to take care of me

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? LOUD

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? Sadly

49: Am I excited for anything?To see someone I’ve been wanting to see even though I saw her yesterday

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? My cousin were like siblings

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? Couple of times a day

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?Last night

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?Well I wouldn’t be happy about it that’s for sure

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? I don’t tell people much as it is so if I do trust them they better not fuck it up

55: What is something I disliked about today?The headache I’m dealing with right now

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Lauren Jauregui 😍

57: What do I think about most? My crush

58: What’s my strangest talent? Water polo

59: Do I have any strange phobias?I don’t think so

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? If I look good then definitely in front of the camera

61: What was the last lie I told? That I was going to my class tonight

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Either one doesn’t matter

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?I believe in both

64: Do I believe in magic? No65: Do I believe in luck? Yes

66: What’s the weather like right now?It’s chilly for SoCal weather

67: What was the last book I’ve read?It was a poetry book called Pillow Thoughts

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? I love it69: Do I have any nicknames?Jess, Jessie, brat, crack, chick, ride

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?Just broke my finger during a polo game

71: Do I spend money or save it? Mostly spend but I do try to save as much as I can

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? It takes me some time but yes I can

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? No74: Favourite animal? Sting ray!75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Sitting shotgun and driving back home

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?I wouldn’t know what to guess anyways

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? Any Beyonce song

78: How can you win my heart? Talk to me and find out 😏

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? Hopefully it wasn’t alcohol that put me in here

80: What is my favorite word? Fuck81: My top 5 blogs on tumblrI have more than 5 that’s for sure

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? Get these politicians out of here and that Cheeto in office

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? A couple

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?Either reading minds or being invisible

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? If I’ve ever been in love

86: What is my current desktop picture?My wife Lauren Jauregui 👅

87: Had sex? Yes88: Bought condoms? God no 😂89: Gotten pregnant? Fuck no90: Failed a class? Too many actually 91: Kissed a boy? It’s been like 3 years since I have lol92: Kissed a girl? Plenty 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?I have and I think it’s always an intimate moment 94: Had job? Currently working

95: Left the house without my wallet? I try not to96: Bullied someone on the internet? No never!97: Had sex in public? Maybeeeee98: Played on a sports team? No99: Smoked weed? All the fucking time 🌬100: Did drugs? Only thing I’ve tried is E and it was the best thing ever

101: Smoked cigarettes? I’ve tried them but tobacco gives me a major headache so I stay away

102: Drank alcohol? Lowkey an alcoholic 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? No104: Been overweight? Couple times 105: Been underweight? No 106: Been to a wedding? No107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?Only if it involves me doing hw

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Yesss109: Been outside my home country? Not recently it’s been a couple of years

110: Gotten my heart broken? Who hasn’t 111: Been to a professional sports game? Yes last year I watched my Red Sox play

112: Broken a bone? My finger113: Cut myself? 🤔114: Been to prom? Yes and it was stupid115: Been in airplane? Yes116: Fly by helicopter? No117: What concerts have I been to? None 😔118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?Like a shit ton of crushes on them girls are hot

119: Learned another language? French in hs but I hardly remember any of it

120: Wore make up? Sunday I think? 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? Yes122: Had oral sex? A lot 123: Dyed my hair? Yes 124: Voted in a presidential election? No125: Rode in an ambulance? Yes126: Had a surgery? Yes 127: Met someone famous? Yes128: Stalked someone on a social network? Here and there I will

129: Peed outside? Yes 130: Been fishing? Been over ten years 131: Helped with charity? Yes 132: Been rejected by a crush? I have 133: Broken a mirror? Yes 134: What do I want for birthday? 💰💵

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? This question solely depends on who I’m having kids with

136: Was I named after anyone? I was named after a song and my great grandmother

137: Do I like my handwriting? No it looks ugly 138: What was my favourite toy as a child? Legos139: Favourite Tv Show? Greys anatomy 140: Where do I want to live when older?Somewhere where I’m stable with everything it doesn’t have to be a specific place

141: Play any musical instrument? Nope142: One of my scars, how did I get it? Depends on which one I’m clumsy af so I have scars almost everywhere

143: Favourite pizza toping? Pepperoni & sausage 144: Am I afraid of the dark? I was when I was younger but I love my room being dark

145: Am I afraid of heights? No146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? Sneaking out I never attempted but anything bad I can’t think of any scenarios

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? All the time 148: What I’m really bad at communication

149: What my greatest achievments areI don’t have many on the academic side but for polo there’s a lot

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me I hear this shit all the time from my parents so nothing bugs me at this point

151: What I’d do if I won in a lotteryPay for a lot of shit that needs to be paid

152: What do I like about myself my charm 😌153: My closest Tumblr friend There’s a couple of mutuals out there that are awesome and I’m sorry for losing contact with you all. You guys are all amazing 🙌🏼 and as for new followers come talk to me I’m pretty interesting

154: Something I fantasise about I fantasize about my crush a lot actually

155: Any question you’d like? It’s not a question but next time I reblog something like this I need to make sure there’s not 155 questions cause this literally took forever to answer

[diaryofanalcoholicsdaughter-blog]

Back home and (not) dealing with it

The entire year after my mom passed away I went through intervals of being fine and then dumping all me emotions onto people. Friends, co-workers, random people I met. Once I got started it all came out and I'd cry and cry and cry then I'd be 'fine' again. It was horrific for me a person who could talk a lot of shit and listen for hours about my friends shitty lives or situations but to throw my own hurts out there was new. In twenty five years I'd never done that. Hinted at yeah made jokes about sure but just let it all out? Not fucking way. It was also the first time I realized though I'd been several of my 'friends' emotional support and sounding board they hadn't the foggest clue on how to deal with me being the emotional one. I laughed off a lot of stuff before turned it into one huge joke. I could be serious but mostly about other people's lives. Their problems. Not my own. I was nearly raped by a friend of a friend and I'd brushed it off with a casual joke during my college years. Someone pointed out I should be pissed not laughing I'd brushed it off as no big deal. We were all drunk. Well I was he was sober. It took another female friend getting upset and telling me it wasn't funny and not to laugh about it for me to admit the tiny ball of panic and self loathing I'd been feeling all day. I'd felt like I was choking and hadn't known why. Emotional's that the entire event sparked cause to cry about it. To face that I'd almost been raped my virginity had been in danger and I was making plans to hang out with the same guy friends as the night before. All because I'd said it wasn't that bad. I wasn't really raped so no big deal right? What's a dick in the mouth while your passed out drunk from drinks someone else pressured you into taking among new friends right? Right. My biggest denial mechanism is its not a bad as it could have been. I tell myself to suck it up cause there is a lot worse in the world. Shit happens. I dropped out of college just stopped going when my mom got sick this time and didn't go back. The time frame of that is blurry for me actually. I don't know which one I did first. The whole year is blurry. A shit roommate. A cat that peed on everything because she was so starved for attention that I couldn't give her because I was allergic to cats and she wasnt my fucking cat to begin with. Being trapped in my room because of the roommate situation.(it was a cat piss smelling hell for me) Meeting new people and just learning I'd have to deal with a lot of shit on my own cause no one cared for me the way I wanted/needed them to. When I got the call from my brother that my father had been doing just at bad as me I was sympathetic. Even worse actually since he'd gotten two duis in two different states and crashed his car in one. With my lease ending I lept at the chance to help him out and get my own life together at the same time. Which is what I told myself at the time but I just was tired. I was depressed and home seemed like a good idea. A part of me was hoping my mom would be there knowing she was dead was one thing. Pretending she was still in that other state waiting for me to come visit was another thing. I was in pretty deep denial. My childhood is blurry. I have three older brothers. One is only a half brother the oldest (a different father) and the other two are full blooded I guess you'd call it both older I was the youngest and only girl. There was a lot of fighting. My brothers were street despite the nice house we lived in. All three dropped out by the 10th grade. All three were in jail. Only one learned his lesson and only went once the youngest of the three. The other two were in and out. ( both are currently in) A lot of bloody fist fights between them. Some with my dad. My mom would fight them too but we all held a higher level of respect for her then my father. Dad was the enemy and I forgot why. A lot of shit I blocked out or choose to forget since well that's how children do when dealing with stressful situations. How I always learned to deal I guess. Bottle it just till you exploded. Sometimes loudly in violent and verbally abusive ways ( I know now I was a terror in hs. I thought it was normal but it wasn't I was a bully) other times quietly which ended in a lot of tears and staring over the ledges of rooftops wondering if you'd survive the fall. But here's the thing. I don't remember my dad well. All I knew of him was a bunch of empty promises, (yay trust issues) the time he took me into a bar and bought me a pickled egg making me promise not to tell my mom (I totally did), fishing trips, how well he would take care of other peoples kids, he was always letting people borrow money and a burning overwhelming dislike bordering on full blown hatred for him. I forgot why really. Time and distance did that for me. I always forgot how someone has disappointed me or hurt me with time and distance. Since I was eighteen to the time i was twenty five he and I had talked maybe a total of sixteen hours over the phone. I talked for hours almost every day with my mom. He'd send money for me but half the time it wasn't the amount he had said he would send of I'd have to pay him back that same week or send money back home to help my mom out. Money was a big thing in our family. I remembered not having a lot. My brothers said the same but they would always always have more then me in the end. Things were odd. My dad was quick to buy a brand new car for my middle brother (his first born not my older half brother) or the latest sneakers for my brothers and shit like a hundred dollar pair of pants for them but we'd never have a lot of food. My brothers had the nicest clothes but I always got food. Not that I wouldn't have liked nice clothes but shopping trips were hell to me. I was fat not super fat but chubby. My dad would constantly tell me I was too fat for the clothes I would look at. My mother didn't know how to dress me and I soon just stopped wanting to shop because I dreaded hearing I couldn't have it for this or that reason or just that I was too fat for it as soon as I picked it up. I was smart about the food. I'd only ask for stuff when we went monthly food shopping. My dad's retired military so we got paid once a month. The thing that pissed me off most was my disabled diseased as I liked to call her crippled ass mother had to work a full time job to support my family despite the extravagant spending. My mom taught me how to hide my money from my dad. We moved several times when I was younger because we suddenly couldn't afford this house or that one. But soon enough we settled. My dad developed a sense of it was him (maybe us depending on his mood) against the rest of the neighborhood. Things like that. It was weird to the younger me I would ask questions constantly and my mother's answers were always just life lessons or little ways to ignore and deal with my father/brothers but It was my mom so I listened. She was the one who taught me all women would some day be the victim or a rape. It was just the way the world was. She being the child born from a rape would know. Again weird but hey it was my mom so I took heed of her words. I was closest with my older brother. Neither he nor I were treated well. He was troubled but I was ignored. My father doted on my middle brothers and kind of just left me and my oldest brother hanging. I didn't notice it as much back then because I had my mom. Me and my oldest brother formed a team. A warped team since despite being younger he depended on me a lot. I was like the older sister or mom most the time.My oldest brother had our mom too but he was always starving for a father's approval. I was the peaceful go between. Always with reassurance and just telling him our dad loved him of course he did. I honestly didn't give a shit about my dad. I had my mom and whatever weird bond I had with my oldest brother. But still I didn't really know why I disliked my dad so much. I told myself I was older and wiser now. I'd lived on my own for eight years by then so I knew how hard it was to pay all the bills. I told myself to be more understanding about my childhood situation which I'd didn't fully understand cause I didn't even have kids and the struggle was real. I moved back in with my dad. To help him get his life together. To help out around the house as he paid his fines and drive him around since his license was suspended. He lived in the sticks of tn so he needed a car to get anything done. Things were good at first. We talked a lot. A big getting to know you moment. He bought me a new bed and furniture. I didn't have a job so I had a lot of time to dedicate to his needs and wants. Just driving him around and sleeping when I got overwhelmed and couldn't cope. I started to notice after I came a bit out of the fog he was naggy. Nothing was ever enough for him. I never did enough. I was lazy wasn't I a too fat as well? I shouldn't buy that or eat that. Get up and take him here. He drank a lot which I remembered but it was even more then before. I chalked it up to him grieving my mother's lose. It had after all only been a year. One day, or it felt like one day, I noticed I hid a lot in my room. From my naggy brother and my naggy father. It was the same thing I'd run away from. Being trapped in my own 'home'. I really began to feel trapped more and more ever day. I felt like shit and didn't know why. I slept crazy hours or didn't sleep at all. When my youngest brother and his girlfriend came over once a month to do their laundry and take over the house I hid from them too. They nagged me a lot to get a job despite not having one themselves and having a baby on the way together. I didn't do much admittedly. I just got heavier and heavier but still I drove my dad around which they wouldn't do and did almost everything he asked me to do. They yelled at me a lot or just gave me the silent treatment . Soon a silent pressure began to grow and it was lick the very air around them was always hostile. My dad seemed oblivious till I pointed it out then he would act. He'd lecture or yell at them tell them to stop making me feel that way. It was as if I was an invader and they hated me for one reason or another. Nothing I did was good enough. For my father for my brother for his girlfriend or my aunt and uncle who lived near us. Those two were a whole different story. I despised them and they hated me back. I went on food stamps because despite all the money my dad made we still never had food in the house. The first week of the month we always well he always feasted like a king i just drove, the rest of the month was borderline starving so I got the food stamps to balance it out. Jobs were hard to come by at the time. And with Obama running for president and all that being a black person in the south was pretty hard. Most the job interviews I went to had confederate flags in the windows. I'd get turned away sometimes harshly but more often with a southern sweet 'your a bit over qualified' or ' we happened to just fill the spot. Maybe next time sugah'. Things were weird. I was always stressed out and filled with a dread I couldn't explain. Calls or visit from my brother just caused fights or for me to retreat into myself. Seeing my dad stressed me out and things just weren't clear to me. Then one day (again more like a month or so) it became clear. I finally got a job and my dad bitched constanly. From the minute he crawled out of the bottle he'd fallen asleep in to the moment I left for work and got back. Most of our trips outside the house were for food to take him to the liquor store or drop him at his friends house so he could drink with them as they did drugs. He nagged all the time ' What would he do if I has a job' but of course he would come back and say he wanted me to succeed in life and I was still young so I should concentrate on me. BUT How was he supposed to get around now? It was a waste or time. I didn't know what I was doing. Blah blah blah. After not even a week I quit that job. My dad calmed down after that. The worse was the house was filthy but my room was neat never any food in my room or trash on the floor. He'd often say I was a terrible house keeper because I wouldn't clean up (after him id always clean any mess i made) The house would smell like rotting food and spoiled milk and the sour smell of vomit. Every morning I'd wake to the sound of him vomiting his liquid dinner and breakfast back up. He'd often leave food on plates and stack them in the sink till they grew mold. He'd cook and let the food spoil in the pot for the next few days. My brother would come clean it all up when he did laundry he'd get paid for it too. They'd come over more when their electric went out or the cable got turned off cause they didn't pay it instead taking trips to Florida to bathe in the sun. When he came he blamed me for the mess since I was there after all why couldn't I care for my father more. I was such a lazy daughter. Lazy lazy useless girl. Go do this or go do that. If you were a good person you'd do it. No matter how many times I asked my father not to leave things out or throw things away he'd ignore me. Fighting became a constant. I was losing the battles and the war. It happened all the time. Then one day I realized he didn't really hear a word I said. I hate corn dogs. Hed buy them for me all the times. Hed make a mistake and call me my mothers name only when i nagged him about his drinking or lack of cleaning of course. It became clear to me.He talked nicely but the mintue I said no or I didn't want to he'd blow up. So I avoided it by just doing as he asked or doing nothing at all. He'd tease how he rarely saw me since I was always 'holed up' in my room. Each time I did for myself or tried to get my life back on track he bitched till I felt like a selfish horrible child and stopped whatever action had offended him. I'd moved in with my father and lost myself to my father and brother and their demands. I was literally trapped with no place to go no money to my name and no job to speak of. So I survived. I became a yes woman. A person who just did as they were told at first. Then I just became a tired women who just did nothing. I lived in filth because that was what there was. He wouldn't clean since he wanted me too do it. But I'd be stubborn and outlast him till he had no choice but to clean. After all my room was always clean. Covered in books at time but I never stank. It was the rest of the house the other his bedroom that took up an entire floor my brothers bedroom (though he didn't live with us) the kitchen and living room that belonged to everyone but me that stank. My room which was next to the garage and didn't have heating or air conditioning in it was my oasis. No smells but old books and my own body sweat. No pressure. I could sleep all day. Don't get me wrong it wasn't all horrible. Which was the worst part I think. It was what reminded me of my childhood. The good days. Those one or two days out of the entire month that were good and you'd cling to those memories. Or I did. Even in that hot stuffy room it wasn't that bad. When I got depressed enough that my father actually paid attention he bought me a hamster to talk to. The good days were the worse for me. I'd cling to those good days and use them to forgot and ignore the bad. But the self loathing stayed. It always stayed. Like a little black cloud floating above my head. No matter how hard I laughed or how much I read it was always there. Just waiting till i was sitting up at 4 am to descend upon my thoughts and remind me of the bad days. The days he broke a promise or called me fat or made me feel so little as a person my own self worth was crippled to the point I'd drive down the highway and think about crashing the car so we'd die together as he nagged on and on about something or tried to joke to lighten my mood when I got mad just to see how much he'd like that dying with his useless lazy daughter. Or I'd speed down the highway alone free from him for and hour or two and so viciously wish I'd just drive and keep driving and never look back but not having the courage to do that. They were dark days. They still keep me up. But my own personal hell wasn't over yet. No it got worse. Much worse for me at least.