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suituuup · 4 years ago

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pieces - chapter eleven

Five years ago, Chloe dropped off the face of the Earth. Beca didn’t expect to see her again dancing in a strip club, out of all places.

rated: E (drug use and emotional abuse in early chapters)

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Beca woke up the next morning to the birds singing, which was odd, until she remembered she wasn’t in NYC, but in Oregon, at Chloe’s parents’. A glance at her phone told her she had slept later than she usually did, and she burrowed herself deeper beneath the covers, exhaling a sigh.

The smell of breakfast eventually lured out of the warm cocoon, and she made a stop at the bathroom before heading downstairs.

Chloe’s mom was cooking at the stove, and she looked over her shoulder when Beca approached. “Oh, good morning, Beca. Did you sleep well?”

Beca wasn’t usually one to talk in the mornings, at least not before she had her morning coffee, but she mustered a smile and made an effort. “Morning. Yes, thank you.”

“Chloe told me you drank coffee in the morning. I put a mug out for you on the table, there’s fresh coffee in the pot. You like pancakes?” She asked as she flipped one in her pan.

Beca could tell where Chloe (or at least college Chloe) got her morning energy from, and she stifled a chuckle as she moved to pour herself a much-needed cup. “Yeah. Pancakes sound great.” She leaned against the counter, cradling her mug between her palms. “Where’s Chloe?”

“Talking with her dad out on the back porch,” Alice said, adding the freshly made pancake to the pile. She turned off the stove and wiped her hands on her apron, focusing on Beca. “We didn’t have the chance to yesterday, but Mike and I wanted to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for what you did for Chloe. Thank you really doesn’t feel like enough. I’m not sure where she’d be without you.”

“You really don’t need to thank me. I’m just glad she’s doing better.”

“And for taking over those payments, too. It-- it feels like too much and…”

Beca shook her head. “Like I said to Chloe, it really is okay, Mrs. Bea-- Alice. I don’t want to flaunt my money around, but I’m more than able to spare 2000 dollars a month, and I’m happy to spend it helping people who need it, like you and Mike. So please, accept it?” She smiled softly. “I know how much you mean to Chloe, and I’d do anything for her.”

Before Alice could reply, the door at the back of the kitchen opened and Chloe stepped inside, holding it open to let her father wheel in. She cast Beca a smile. “Hey, you. Sleep well? Mom didn’t attack you with questions, did she? I told her you needed coffee first.”

“I behaved myself,” Alice mumbled, sticking her tongue out before going back to her pancakes.

Beca chuckled. “She did.”

After breakfast, Beca helped herself to a shower, before Chloe whisked her away to show her around town. They drove down the main street, and Chloe parked in front of the local high school, cutting the ignition and stepping out. .

“I feel like you were Head Cheerleader,” Beca said as she shut the door. The smell of the ocean made her smile and breathe in deeply. It was really nice to get out of the city for a bit.

Chloe smirked, shaking her head as they headed down the sidewalk of what looked like the main street. “Nope.”

“Softball? You had to be some sort of athlete.”

“Wrong again.”

Beca hummed as she thought. “Track?”

Chloe slipped her hands inside her jacket pockets, walking backward so she was facing Beca. “You’re looking at Oregon’s 400m State Champion for the year 2006.”

Beca’s jaw dropped. “Seriously? How come you never told me that??”

Chloe’s shoulders lifted in a shrug. “Never came up. I’ll show you my trophy when we get home.” She pointed across the street. “This is the cafe my friends and I went to every weekend to gossip about the boys.”

“Gossiping about boys, huh?” Beca asked, smirking. “Who was your high school crush?”

“This guy named Ian. He was on the swimming team.”

Beca cut her a glance. “You guys ever dated?”

“He asked me out once. Then he asked another girl to prom. I was heartbroken.”

“Aw.” Beca grinned. “Did you cross off the love doodles featuring his name from your notebooks while belting out to songs from your break-up playlist?”

Chloe shoved her shoulder as Beca laughed. “Shut up. I didn’t have a break-up playlist.”

“But you had one for songs you liked getting off to?” Beca couldn’t help but tease. “Weirdo.”

A bright laugh burst past Chloe’s lips. “I can’t believe I burst into your shower.”

A fond smile spread across Beca’s features at the memory. “And I can’t believe I still auditioned knowing my stalker was part of the group.”

“I wasn’t a stalker!” Chloe cried, her jaw-dropping. She giggled. “I just… sort of ignored the boundaries.”

“Which is what stalkers do,” Beca pointed out with another smirk. “It’s cool. I’m glad you did, in hindsight. I got to meet the people who would end up becoming my best friends for life.”

Chloe narrowed her eyes, amusement flashing in her features. “When did you get so cheesy?”

A groan flitted past Beca’s lips. “Ugh. Gross, right?”

As Chloe laughed, Beca realized how much she had missed the banter. Every little piece of Chloe Beale surfacing never failed to make her smile.

Chloe’s step faltered when they came across a baby shop, her eyes lingering on the window.

Beca smiled, nudging Chloe’s shoulder with her own. “We can go in if you want?”

A matching smile spread across Chloe’s features as she nodded, and they both stepped inside the medium-sized store.

“Jesus, kids need that much stuff?” Beca asked as she glanced around the various items, muttering an apology when the employee glanced at her.

Stifling a giggle, Chloe headed to the onesie section and browsed through the rack. “Oh Bec, look,” she said, holding up a simple, white onesie that read little bean in cool lettering. The smile that lit up Chloe’s face as she looked at the item was the first one Beca had seen reach her eyes since Chloe had been back in her life and the sight of it made her heart swell.

Chloe must have felt her staring, and she glanced up curiously. “What?”

“Nothing,” she cleared her throat. “You’re just… glowing.”

“I think you should get it,” she added not to make it awkward. “It’s adorable.”

After their stop at the store, she and Chloe headed to the wharf for lunch. It was a sunny, warm spring day, and they sat on a bench in front of the sea to eat their sandwiches as Chloe shared more memories about growing up in her hometown.

“So how did you and Sarah meet?” Chloe asked following a lull in the conversation.

Beca finished chewing her bite and swallowed, washing it down with a sip of soda. “I used to go to the coffee shop pretty often for lunch. We would talk for a bit each time. I was clueless to her flirting, it was only when she left her number that I realized she was into me.”

Chloe chuckled, eyeing her with a raised eyebrow. “You? Clueless to flirting? That doesn’t sound right.”

Beca’s eyes rolled skyward as she fought back a smile. “Bite me, Beale.”

Chloe giggled. “Sorry. She seems like a great girl, though.”

“Yeah,” Beca breathed out, trying to ignore the way her stomach flipped. “She really is.”

And she meant that. She cared a lot about Sarah, but ever since their talk about a month ago, she had been questioning her own commitment to their relationship, going back and forth about what she wanted. The fact that she had been so oblivious about Sarah’s needs to take the next step because she felt comfortable with where they were at was the first red flag that she wasn’t all in.

People should feel the need to move forward after fourteen months together, right?

Sarah was kind, funny, loving, and everything Beca imagined in a significant other, but whenever she found herself trying to picture their life down the road, two, five, ten years from now, her mind went blank.

“You okay?” Chloe asked, her head tilted as she gazed at Beca.

“Yeah,” Beca breathed out, shaking those thoughts out of her head and focusing back on Chloe. She cleared her throat. “What’s next on the list, Beale?”

After buying ice-creams from her favorite shop, Chloe took her to her favorite beach, and they headed home around three, as Chloe felt like taking a nap.

Over the next two days at her parents’, they baked, took walks in the forest or by the sea, and had movie nights with Alice and Mike. Beca made sure to give the three some family time as well, spending a couple of hours every day working on her laptop in the guest room.

That last night in Oregon, she found Chloe on the swingset in the garden, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. Beca approached with two hot chocolates, handing one over before lowering herself on the other swing.

“I’ve yet to find a prettier sky than this one,” Chloe mused aloud, craning her neck to look at the starry darkness above them as she cradled her mug between her palms.

“It’s pretty dope,” Beca agreed softly. She glanced at Chloe, and finally plucked the courage to word the thought that had been going in a loop in her mind since their first night in Newport. “Have you given some thought about moving back here?”

She was hoping Chloe would stay with her, to be completely honest. They had just rekindled, and Beca didn’t want her to live on the other side of the country. She could also feel some sort of attachment to Bean, which sounded ridiculous as they weren’t even born yet. But she also understood that Chloe might want to be with her parents, someplace that is close to her heart.

“I don’t know yet,” Chloe admitted, clearing her throat. “I’m concerned about disrupting their lives with a newborn baby. Mom’s already got so much on her plate with taking care of dad, and I don’t know if me being around while I’m still recovering is the smartest idea, with my dad feeling so guilty. I want him to focus on his health. But I guess it would be simpler, right? For you, I mean.”

Beca shook her head. “I told you you could stay as long as you’d like. My place is your home, and I…” she cleared her throat, shrugging as her gaze flickered back to the stars. “I like having you around.”

“I like living with you, too,” Chloe admitted, smiling softly. “And I like my therapist and my NA group.”

And having a routine was essential for a recovering addict.

“Then it feels like a no-brainer,” Beca concluded.

“What about Sarah?” Chloe asked after a moment. “Are you sure she’s okay with me living with you?”

The mention of Sarah made Beca’s heart squeeze with guilt. The last few days only further confirmed how she felt. She wasn’t missing her like she was probably supposed to, even though it had been ten days since they had last seen one another, as Beca had been too busy to do anything besides working, eating and sleeping that week leading up to their trip.

She had been sending Sarah check-in texts because she felt like she had to, not because she wanted to.

Beca needed to sack up and be honest with Sarah, something she had been delaying because she was a coward and terrified of breaking her heart. But she knew deep down she was doing more harm than good right now by running away from how she truly felt.

She knew deep down, that Sarah deserved someone better.

“Yeah,” she replied absent-mindedly, swallowing, then mustering a smile. “Don’t worry about that.”

She sent a text to Sarah later that night, asking if she could come over after they landed in NYC tomorrow night. The following morning, she and Chloe grabbed an early breakfast, as they needed to be in Portland at ten.

“You’re welcome back here anytime, Beca,” Alice said, pulling back from the hug.

A genuine smile spread across Beca’s features. “Thanks, Alice.”

“Bye dad,” Chloe murmured, leaning in to hug him tightly.

Mike closed his eyes and hugged her back. “Safe travels, Chlobear. Love you.”

“Love you, too. So much.” She embraced her mom next, echoing the same sentiment before sliding into the passenger seat and shutting the door behind her.

Beca slid behind the wheel and started the car, pulling out of the driveway and onto the main road as Chloe waved to her parents.

“You okay?” She asked after a moment, glancing at Chloe briefly.

“Yeah, I’m good,” Chloe replied with a firm nod. “Thanks for coming with me.”

“No problem. A break from the city was pretty nice.”

They landed in NYC a little bit after 8 pm. Beca had the cabbie drop Chloe off at her apartment, then headed to Sarah’s, riding the elevator to her floor.

She knocked on the door and stepped back, wiping her sweaty palms over the denim of her jeans. Her stomach was in knots, and she wished she could fast-forward the next twenty minutes or so. The door swung open a few seconds later, Sarah standing on the other side.

“Hey you,” she greeted with a small smile.

“Hey,” Beca murmured, kissing Sarah’s cheek out of habit. “How was your day?”

“Same old,” Sarah said as she shut the door, then moved towards the kitchen. “How was the trip? You want a beer?”

“It was nice,” Beca replied as she followed, leaning against the counter. “No thanks, I’m good.” She took a deep breath, knowing she had to do this now before she chickened out.

“What’s up?” Sarah asked as she closed the fridge and turned around, leaning against the opposite counter.

Beca cleared her throat, nibbling on the inside of her cheek. “So, um. I’ve been thinking a lot about us moving in together and I…” Honesty. Honesty was the best policy. Rip off the band-aid. “I don’t see myself getting there.”

Sarah visibly swallowed, and she nodded slowly, glancing down at the floor for a few beats. Given her reaction, Beca could tell she had been sort of expecting it.

“I’m sorry,” Beca murmured, a lump rising in her throat. “I know I gave you false hope by saying we would figure something out, I just wasn’t sure how I felt up until recently.” She grimaced. “The last thing I want is to hurt you. But you deserve someone who can be all in.”

The tear running down Sarah’s face broke Beca’s heart. She blinked back her own, exhaling slowly.

“Like you seem to be all in with Chloe?” Sarah asked quietly, stunning Beca into silence.

“What?”

Sarah’s eyes rolled towards the ceiling. “You’re oblivious to that, too?” When Beca didn’t say anything, she released a soft laugh. It was anything but humorous. “I see the way you look at her, Bec. I know the both of you living together was something that just happened because Chloe didn’t have anywhere to stay, but I can tell you like having her around. I can tell you have feelings, even if you don’t seem to realize it yet. I was hoping I was wrong, but you not hesitating on going on that trip when we hadn’t seen each other in over a week made it pretty clear that Chloe would always come first.”

Beca’s brain was stuck on the first part. Did she really look at Chloe differently? Feelings? She cared about her, sure, but-- “That’s not—”

Sarah swiped her palm over her cheeks, nodding. “And you’re right. I deserve someone who looks at me the way you look at Chloe. Like I’m their person. Someone who loves me as much as I love them.”

“Me ending things doesn’t have anything to do with Chloe,” Beca said softly, truly believing that. She knew the next words were going to sting, but she needed Sarah to believe it, too. “I just… don’t see this going anywhere.” She hung her head, feeling like the worst person in the world for breaking someone’s heart. “I’m sorry, Sarah.”

“Yeah. Me, too.” Sarah cleared her throat, pinching her lips together for a moment, seemingly trying to keep a hold on her emotions. “I think you should go.”

Beca nodded, another apology laying on the top of her tongue. She swallowed it back knowing it probably wouldn’t make Sarah feel any better, and pushed to her feet, quietly walking out of Sarah’s apartment.

#bechloe #beca mitchell #chloe beale #pieces

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blackbutterfliescal · 4 years ago

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Your Rainbow Will Coming Smiling Through

A Michael Clifford One Shot

Pairing: Single Dad!Michael Clifford & OC Zoey Clifford

Word count: 4.8K

Rating: Mostly fluff with a side of angst

Requested by: Absolutely not a goddamn soul. I’m just here to be soft n emo, I guess.

Content: 3rd person POV, OC Zoey as Michael’s daughter, major character death (main character’s spouse is dead), side of Malum because I couldn’t help myself

A/N: This is based on Steven Curtis Chapman’s “Cinderella” and it’s lived in my head for a long time. The title is based on lyrics from “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes” from Disney’s Cinderella. I don’t normally engage with a lot of dad!sos content for personal reasons, but this idea has lived in my head rent free for far too long so I hope you like it! Big big thank you to @devilatmydoor and @spicycal for encouraging me to get this one done!! It’s only taken me a month lmao

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Feedback is always appreciated! 😊

———

Dinner had been an event. It seemed like it was always an event these days. Pasta noodles and vegetables hung from the walls in the small eat-in kitchen, reminiscent of a Jackson Pollock. Michael let out a deep sigh and ran a hand across his tired face. He’d been so sure that the new recipe would be a hit, but his headstrong three year old had dashed that hope almost immediately. Since quarantine began a few weeks ago, she’d grown bored of staying home and had begun to take her frustrations out on the only other person around. Each day in the modest apartment brought a new challenge but the theme this week was picky eating habits. Michael had tried old favorites, trendy recipes from mommy bloggers, and he’d even let Zoey pick what he bought at the grocery. Honestly, he’d tried anything and everything if he thought it meant she wouldn’t fight him at every meal.

Michael picked up the plates from the table, scraping the few bites that weren’t subjected to his daughter’s wrath into the trashcan by the door. As the dishes landed in the small sink and Michael turned on the tap, he bent forward to rest his forearms on the counter. One glance around the warzone kitchen had tears stinging his eyes. He fought to keep them from falling to no avail, eyes blurring as the droplets got lost in the flowing water and spiraled down the drain.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. We were supposed to be in this together,” Michael’s voice was barely more than a whisper as his thoughts raced and he struggled to compose himself. His voice came out coarse as his frustrated cries hung in the air until it became too thick to breathe in. “It’s been nearly ten months and I’m still no good without you. Zoey’s just like you and I need you here.” He’d hoped setting his thoughts free might ease his mind, but it only made the words weigh heavier on his slumped shoulders. Michael’s pleas were desperate through the sobs. “I wish you were here. You’d know exactly what to do. You always did.” He was barely thirty when he’d been made a widower, carrying the constant grief of a life unlived, seeing a shadow where there should have been a spouse.

He’d been told repeatedly that things would get easier with time but he didn’t think there’d ever be a day where he didn’t need her, didn’t see her in their baby girl. He pulled himself upright with a deep inhale, using the back of his hand to wipe tear stains from his cheeks. Michael couldn’t stop the incessant sniffling brought on by the tears while he continued to take steady breaths through his mouth. He pulled all his focus to wash the few dishes still left from the night and placed them in the drying rack before shutting off the tap. He wrung out the dish towel and began using it to scrub down the mess on the walls. Their dogs seemed to have made quick work of cleaning up the peas that got sprayed across the tiled floor while Michael cleaned up Zoey in the bath and he assumed they’d already made their way to her room.

Through a few small, shaky inhales, he heard a familiar tune playing from the other end of the hallway. After tossing the bits of dinner that he’d pulled off the wall into the bin, he closed the lid and hung the dish towel across the faucet to dry. He quietly made his way to Zoey’s room as the music grew louder, sparing a quick glance in the hall mirror so his disheveled state didn’t alarm Zoey.

He had forgotten that he’d placed an old CD player in her room with several of his old favorites in a small case. Every now and then she liked to listen to his CDs while she played. She usually needed her dad to help her turn it on but it seemed she’d found the play button on her own and begun the same tunes they’d danced to earlier that week. Her curls, still mildly damp from her bath after the messy dinner, bounced around her round face as she spun in circles and giggles fell from her mouth freely. She’d slipped a sparkly dress-up outfit over her pajamas and the matching tiara had almost completely slipped free from her hair. Michael noticed both dogs intently watched from the bed and he let a bittersweet smile tug at his lips while she twirled around the room. Zoey reminded him most of her late mother when she smiled and it made his heart swell, reminding him that she wasn’t completely gone.

When Zoey looked up and noticed him in the doorway, a delighted squeal came from her mouth. “Daddy!! C’mon, I need you! There’s a ball at the castle and I’ve been invited and I need to practice my dancing. Please! Daddy, please!” She wrapped both of her hands around Michael’s fingers and tugged him to the middle of the carpet as if they didn’t have a care in the world. Once she was satisfied with where he stood, she steadied herself and placed her bare feet on top of his shoes, reaching out to grab his other hand. His grip on her was secure as he moved the two of them around merrily, careful not to let her slip from her place on top of his feet. Since losing Zoey’s mom, he’d promised himself that he wouldn’t let the little moments pass him by. He knew that someday, much sooner than he’d like, someone would steal his little girl’s heart away from him but he wanted to cherish every moment until then. Even if it did include meal-time tantrums.

The upbeat track faded out, replaced by soft guitar chords and a sweetly crooning melody. In one smooth motion, Michael lifted Zoey into his arms and began to sway with her. Her petite hand landed against his warm cheek as she met his green eyes. She studied him for a beat before he rested his forehead against hers and let his eyes fall shut. As Michael began to sing along softly, Zoey pulled away from his face and adjusted herself down to rest against his chest. He nuzzled her close and smiled at the memory that her mother had always found a calmness in the way his voice vibrated through his chest as well.

“Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go. You have made my life complete and I love you so. Love me tender, love me true, all my dreams fulfill. For, my darling, I love you and I always will.”

It had been an exhausting evening and it didn’t take long for familiar snores to fill the air from where Zoey rested beneath his chin. He smiled and silently thanked the universe that the last song on the album had been a ballad. Careful not to wake her, he kept a gentle rock in his measured steps as he clicked off the lights through the apartment. Making his way back into her room, he lifted the light blue covers on her small bed while the dogs shifted toward the far end. When he tried to slide her onto the pillow, Zoey’s grip on his shirt tightened and she let out a sleepy groan. Michael shushed her sweetly with a lighthearted laugh and pulled her back into him. He reached down again to pull the covers back further, causing both dogs to move to the floor with a huff, before slipping between them and letting her rest on top of his chest as he stared up at the ceiling. He covered them both and began to hum the sweet melody once more, letting the combination of his voice and heartbeat lull his daughter to sleep again. It wasn’t long before they both drifted off to a much-needed night of rest.

———

With a contented sigh, Zoey placed her new boots on the floor, lining them up to sit below the dress hanging on a singular coat hook on the wall to the right of her closet.

She’d spent nearly every weekend for the past month piled into her dad’s car with her friends, scouring every dress shop in the city. In typical Zoey fashion, she wasn’t interested in an oversized dress with heels that she’d ultimately kick off after the first song played. Somewhere around the fourth store - or maybe fifth? - her friend had shoved her into a fitting room with an understated black a-line they’d picked for her. Though she wasn’t typically a fan of lace or tulle, she knew it was the one she’d spent her time looking for. She knew the lace appliques delicately placed across the neckline would soften up the leather boots and jacket she was already planning to wear.

She pulled one bare foot underneath her and plopped down on her bed, queuing up a lowkey playlist and admiring the outfit she’d put together. She could admit that it was nice to check the prom dress off her to-do list but the centerpiece of the outfit was her mom’s vintage leather jacket. Her dad had gifted it to her years ago, telling her about how excited her mother had been to save up for a real leather jacket and how she’d shopped through every store in the city to find the right one. Not unlike the way he’d seen Zoey searching for the right prom dress.

Of course, Zoey didn’t have many memories of her mom, except for the stories Michael had told her over the years. Somehow, things like her mother’s old leather jacket, still in great condition, made her feel connected to the woman she barely remembered. Zoey often wondered how she could miss someone she couldn’t remember on her own. Maybe some of it was secondhand grief from years of watching her father. Either way, she always felt too nervous to actually wear her mom’s jacket, afraid she’d do something to ruin it, wrecking the already thin tie she had to her. While Michael had always done his best to fill both parental roles, some problems were bigger than he could handle alone. On difficult nights when she needed a mom, Zoey dug the jacket out of the closet and just held it close, hoping to find some guidance from whatever cosmic forces were out there. Now, she’d decided, prom was as good an occasion as any to actually wear it out. It was a big night and she wanted to feel both of her parents there.

As she picked up her laptop to tackle the last few assignments of senior year, Michael’s knuckles rapped on the open door that led to her room. The sound pulled her from her reverie and she glanced up to see her dad in the doorway. Michael, mid-40s, donned large wide-rimmed glasses and his hair was cut short around his face. His natural shade had lightened quite a bit over the years while the ever-present scruff on his chin had taken on shining grey tones. He smiled fondly, taking in the outfit Zoey had put together as it hung on the wall before turning to meet her expectant gaze. Her smile beamed as she questioned, “Do you like it? Do you think Allison will like it? Her dress is baby pink so we’re going to be the least coordinated couple there. But I guess that’s fitting.” A small laugh fell from her mouth as she looked back at the all black ensemble. Michael still heard Zoey’s mom in that laugh and felt a pull in his chest seeing that jacket again. He nodded in response before pointing to the quilted leather. “She’d be so proud of you, you know?” His voice held a tinge of sadness amidst the pride he held for his baby girl.

“No!! No, no no. Don’t cry. You know that only ends with both of us crying!” Zoey slid the laptop to the side and made her way to the man occupying her door frame. He let out a sniffing laugh and shaky breath as she wrapped her arms around him while burying her head in his broad chest. Michael rested his head on top of hers before placing a small kiss on top of her hair. He’d always made sure that she felt safe with him. No matter what was going on elsewhere, it was the two of them versus the world. But damn it all if he didn’t wish that she had her mom here to see the amazing young woman she’d become.

Zoey’s playlist continued quietly and Michael began to rock back and forth as she relaxed into his arms. He knew moments like this would only get harder to come by in a few short weeks. She’d grown up in the blink of an eye, right in front of him. He wanted to keep her close as long as he could. It didn’t matter that dinner was downstairs, getting colder by the minute. Slowly, “Moon River” crept through the speakers and Zoey pulled her head back. “Wait a minute. This is the song we have to dance to,” she whispered. The smile on her face shifted from sweet to teasing and Michael braced for whatever quick-witted remark she had for him. “We gotta work on your moves, old man!” Michael rolled his eyes in response and let out a sarcastic laugh at her words. “Dad, the prom is just one week away and we need to practice our dancing. Please, daddy, please.”

It was custom that each senior waltzed with a parent, or some other guardian, at the very beginning of the prom. Families were only allowed in during this dance and would be ushered out after every group of seniors had taken their turn. Michael and Zoey had been at every after school rehearsal for the past 6 weeks, trying desperately to learn the choreographed steps. Zoey had mastered the box steps with ease. The turning box took a few more tries, but she got it eventually. Michael had taken even more practice though, and she was determined they would perfect the steps before they were in front of all her friends. He didn’t object, not wanting to embarrass her. Letting out an exasperated sigh, Michael stepped further into his daughter’s room, helping her push a few things out of the way as she started the song over and stood tall in her ballroom posture. Michael took small steps but still managed to run into a few things as Zoey coached him through the routine. They made it through to the end of the song unscathed and upright, counting that as a victory.

As Zoey let her rigid posture drop, Michael placed both of his hands on each side of her head, pulling her close again to place another kiss on top of her head. “We’ve got this, Z,” he reassured her. She snaked her arms around to his back as the next song on her playlist began. They stood still in the silence as a familiar voice began to croon through the air. “Do you remember that I used to sing this to you to get you to sleep? It always did the trick after a rough day,” Michael mused as his hands brushed over her hair, reminiscing on days gone by. She leaned back to look up at her dad’s face before answering. “Of course I do! Why do you think I listen to it so often?”

The greying scruff on Michael’s chin made her giggle as it tickled her forehead where he left a kiss. “My sweet girl,” he mused as they began to sway again. She hummed along with the melody before Michael joined in, smooth voice lilting over the recording.

“Love me tender, love me long, take me to your heart. For it’s there that I belong and will never part. Love me tender, love me true, all my dreams fulfill. For my darling, I love you and I always will.”

In true Clifford fashion, Zoey’s stomach rumbled through the otherwise quiet bedroom as the next verse began. It sent both of them into a fit of laughter, reminding Michael of the reason he came up to her room in the first place - the dinner waiting downstairs. Zoey stopped her playlist before they made their way to the kitchen, voicing their concerns that the cats had jumped up on the counter to help themselves.

———

Zoey couldn’t help the smile stretched across her full cheeks as she parked her car in front of her father’s home. As she reached for the door handle, her free hand lifted the back of her fiancée’s palm to her cherry chapstick-covered smile and she placed a series of small kisses. Allison’s warm eyes met Zoey’s gaze with a blissful smile of her own before she spoke hesitantly. “The last planning session before everything is in motion. Ready for all the questions from Mr. Wedding Planner in there?” Zoey’s eyebrows quirked up and she reached behind the seats to pull out her planning binder. “Ready if you are!” They stepped out of the car and laughter followed them through the front door to announce their arrival.

The butterflies in Zoey’s stomach hadn’t diminished even slightly since the moment Allison got down on one knee during family game night. Though if Zoey honestly thought about it, the butterflies had been there since she worked up the nerve to ask Allison to prom as her girlfriend. She hoped she’d have the flutter in the pit of her stomach as long as she had air in her lungs.

The proposal had been intimate and thoughtful and sweet and perfectly them. Allison had enlisted Michael’s help, along with his long-term partner Calum, to spell out “marry me” on the game board during Scrabble. The three of them had needed to work together and it had taken a couple rounds of play for the right letters to show up. Zoey was so engrossed in the game that it took her a few beats to piece it together, even as Allison dropped to the floor in front of her while Michael tried to keep the happy tears from falling. Since then, the days had been speeding by at a dizzying pace and she felt like the big day would sneak up on her if she blinked too slowly.

They made their way through the home, cast in an amber glow from the autumn sunset, and found Michael and Calum putting the finishing touches on their typical Tuesday night dinner. Michael had always been a good cook but he’d thrown himself into more complex recipes with the extra time he had in his early retirement. The delicious aroma wafted through the open air to greet the brides-to-be as they exchanged familiar greetings with the gracefully greying men, arms held open expectantly.

“I see someone came prepared,” Calum teased, pointing in the direction of Zoey’s wedding planning binder. “I learned from the best,” she winked in return. Calum had earned his living as an event planner before retiring to spend his days with Michael and he’d been all too eager to help out. Sometimes he was a little overzealous, especially when it came to flowers, but neither bride worried over it. He had thirty-something years of experience and they would put his expertise to good use as long as he wanted to help.

“Well? What are you waiting for? You know better than to be shy around here - dig in!” Michael’s cheerful lilt brought out a chorus of laughter as the four of them began to pile their plates high with his savory creations.

Dinner together was never dull; someone always had a story to tell. Allison was gunning for a big promotion at work while Zoey worked hard to manage the small business she started last year. Michael told of all the highs and lows in his cooking adventures that week and how he’d befriended a neighborhood cat that had appeared on their porch. Calum had warned him not to feed it but eventually found the bowl under the front steps that he’d been sneaking scraps into. In the years they’d lived together, Calum made the local farmer’s market a habit and that week Michael had finally gone with him. He should have known Calum would have everyone wrapped around his finger. He couldn’t help his amazement at the way Calum charmed all the vendors into some sort of special sale for his produce, flowers, or baked goods. He noticed that Calum was the only one who seemed to be privy to these discounts. Michael couldn’t even be upset though because Calum had gotten a beautiful sunflower bouquet just for him. Calum would never admit that he just wanted to know he still had it - whatever it was.

With four sets of hands, clean up happened quickly before the wedding binder was sprawled across the table. They spent the next few hours pouring over choices for every imaginable detail. Calum had helped them create a checklist and prioritize important items and extremely time sensitive details. They managed to cross off a few more items on the checklist before Michael decided it was time to bring out dessert - apple pie with the tart apples from the “Apple of My Pie” stall that Calum had recommended at the farmer’s market.

When she was sure Michael was out of earshot, Zoey leaned across the table to whisper to Calum. “So when are we doing this for you two?” she asked as she threw a glance at her dad’s back. Allison did her best to control her laughter at the obvious prying. Calum simply waved her off with a smile, “We’ve been together, what, twelve years? Just after you started college? I think he’s stuck with me at this point, ring or no ring.” Zoey’s inquisitive stare didn’t falter at Calum’s light humor so he continued to entertain her question with a more serious tone. “You know… we’ve talked about it but he always said he couldn’t remarry after losing your mom. I always thought I wanted a wedding, even just a small one for friends and family, but it’s one thing I won’t push him about.” Calum’s eyes were filled with adoration as they settled on Michael’s back where he stood carefully slicing the pie. “He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I’ll take this in whatever way makes him comfortable, in whatever way he’ll have me.”

When he turned back to face her, to see if his answer satisfied her curiosity, her eyes were brimming with emotion and concern immediately painted his features before she spoke. “I always thought maybe he didn’t remarry because of me, because he didn’t want me to feel left behind or something. And maybe that’s selfish or strange. But I couldn’t be more thankful that he has someone as caring and thoughtful as you, Cal.” Her voice had a slight rasp to it as she swallowed down her overwhelming joy. She punctuated her sentiment by placing her hands over one of his on the table. As he sandwiched her hands between his, he told her how lucky he felt to get to spend the rest of life loving Michael and that he didn’t need a marriage certificate to do that. Allison placed a grounding hand across Zoey’s back as they all inconspicuously sat back into their seats just in time for Michael to return with apple pie and vanilla bean ice cream. If he suspected anything about the conversation between his daughter and his partner, he didn’t let on as they continued to make their way down the wedding checklist between delighted mouthfuls of pie.

The hours passed as they sat around the kitchen table picking out scripts for the invites, flowers for the ceremony, centerpieces for the reception, and favors for the wedding party. Allison stretched her arms over her head, soliciting several put off responses at the loud cracking noise her spine made. “Ew, yourself,” she joked as she rose from her spot at the table. As she moved toward the living room, she turned over her shoulder to suggest that they all take a break from hunching over the pages of options laid out in the binder. Everyone else seemed reluctant, not wanting to lose the momentum they’d already built up. Allison turned her back to them and made her way to the record player next to the couch. She carefully pulled a sleeve from the shelf and let it begin spinning before making her way back to the table where the others still sat.

As she passed through the doorway, the beats of “Heartbreak Hotel” sounded through the room and she swung her hips wide with the best Elvis impression she could manage. The overstated moves earned a laugh from her fiancée and wolf whistles from the two men seated across from her. Allison pulled Zoey from her seat and shimmied them back into the living room for a dance break, despite Zoey’s protests that they still had several items to work through. Allison assured her that’s why she needed a dance break and that they’d get back to it as soon as the record needed to be flipped over. To Allison’s complete delight, Zoey caved and danced with her until the bluesy tune faded into a familiar ballad.

Zoey turned toward the dining room to find that Calum and Michael had followed to watch them from the safety of the door. The two men stood as if they were made to fit together. Michael’s head rested perfectly on Calum’s shoulder and his hands splayed softly across Calum’s stomach under Calum’s hands. Even so, Zoey knew she still had her dad wrapped around her finger after all these years. She put on the biggest puppy dog eyes she could manage and stretched out her arms before pleading with him, “The wedding’s still six months away, but I need to practice my dancing. Please, daddy, please.” His sheepish smile was bright in the low lamp light as he maneuvered around Calum. Michael placed a kiss to Calum’s smiling cheek as he squeezed through the door frame beside him. “You know I’ll never turn down a dance with my best girl,” he remarked as he took her in his arms. Calum, in turn, made a large sweeping motion as he bowed to Allison. “May I please have this dance?” Always a drama queen in every group. Allison laughed and took his hand, letting him lead her across the small room in an effort not to intrude on Zoey and Michael’s sweet moment.

Michael hummed along to the melody and his voice vibrated through his chest under Zoey’s head, sweeping a sense of nostalgia over her. “Dad?” she questioned as she lifted her head to look into his pale green eyes. They’d become even more pronounced over the years as the color faded from his hair, though he tried to hide behind the wide-rimmed glasses that stopped just above his full cheeks when he smiled. His eyes were slow to open and he only offered a hum in response. “What if we made this our father-daughter dance at the reception? I know it’s not a typical choice, but it would just mean a lot to me and -” Michael’s lips landed soft against Zoey’s forehead with a smile, immediately soothing her rambling mind. “I would love that, Z.”

Not trusting her mind and voice to work with her, Zoey simply nodded and nuzzled her head back into Michael’s chest, hugging him as close as possible. Michael’s smile grew as he tossed a glance across the room to where Allison and Calum swayed casually, lost in some giddy conversation if their expressions were any indication. With a contented sigh, he placed another kiss on top of Zoey’s curls. His voice was soft at first, only loud enough for Zoey to hear, but then it grew just enough to be heard over the record player as he sang.

“Love me tender, love me dear, tell me you are mine. I'll be yours through all the years, ‘til the end of time. Love me tender, love me true, all my dreams fulfill. For, my darling, I love you and I always will.”

He couldn’t help watching Allison and Calum as they looked over fondly. Michael thought of all the times it was just him and Zoey against the world. Everything had changed so much since he lost her mom. He couldn’t believe how their little family had grown over the years and he was so proud of the life they’d made and the love they all shared. Michael tried not to let his emotions get the best of him, but he couldn’t help the crack in his voice as the last lines closed out.

———

taglist: @easierlftv @haikucal @mashlums @youngblood199456 @calumbroutledge @alltimesos @another-lonely-heart @castaway-cashton @itsjen223 @bloodyoathcal @vapor5sos @myloverboyash @justhereforcalum @karajaynetoday @spicycal @devilatmydoor

#my writing #michael clifford #michael clifford one shot #michael clifford fluff #michael clifford blurb #calum hood #malum #malum fluff #malum blurb #malum one shot #it only took me nine years and im sure it'll flop but at least it doesn't live in my head anymore lmao alsdkjfhlakjh #does this count as malum??? kind of???

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purplesurveys · 3 years ago

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1250

Do you own any Funko Pop! figurines? No. I had a brief period where I wanted to start collecting them SO BAD and often went to toy stores to gawk at the figures I felt like I needed to have; but I grew out of that and I don’t even really give Funkos a second glance whenever I see them anymore haha.

How many cats and dogs have you had as pets in your lifetime? We’ve had one cat and two dogs.

Can your mom and/or dad play any instruments, or how about anyone else in your family? My dad can play the guitar; he just absolutely never shows it off, not even if you lay out ten guitars in front of him. I think my mom played the piano as a kid.

Have you ever colored in an adult coloring book as a stress reliever? Yeah, it was my coping mechanism from a few years ago. I don’t do it nearly as often anymore, but I still have my coloring books and pencils stored in my room just in case I randomly want to get back to the hobby.

Can you crack crab legs without a tool? No, I ask my parents or grandparents to do it haha.

How many light sources are in the room you’re in? There are two, but I only use one. I never switch on my main bedroom light as I hate how brightly white it is.

What’s your favorite thing to put on bagels? I never get bagels so I don’t really have a clue what I prefer on them.

Who’s your favorite director? Stanley Kubrick.

Bats: cute or gross? Neither side of the spectrum; I just don’t think about bats.

What was the last really intense pain you felt? I got a particularly vicious scratch from Cooper around a month ago that left a deep cut on my thigh. The scar is still visible and I think it’s going to remain that way for a while haha I don’t see it fading out anytime soon.

Would you rather vacation by a beach or a lake? Both sound extremely pleasant but I’ll take the lake trip because I’ve never seen one, or stayed near one.

How would you feel about traveling abroad alone? I honestly feel like it’s going to be that way for me moving forward. I’m okay with it, though. I feel like it would be very calming and empowering to be able to explore the world on my own.

What is your father's middle name? He doesn’t have a second name.

Where did your last kiss take place? Outside my house, by her car.

Which movie villain do you find the most terrifying? I haven’t encountered anyone yet that truly terrified me.

If you married your favorite celebrity what would your last name be? Kim, hahaha.

Do you stick your tongue out often in pictures? I wouldn’t say so. I pull up the peace sign most often.

Which one of your family members are you closest to? My sister and my eldest cousin on my mom’s side.

Would you rather have name brand shoes or name brand clothes? Shoes. They stand out more.

Are you a good liar? Yes. Doesn’t mean I enjoy lying and take advantage of that skill as much as possible.

Are you proud of your parents? Sure.

If you could get backstage tickets to ANY concert - which would you pick? Paramore. I think Hozier would be neat as fuck too.

Which is better: orange or grape soda? I don’t like soda, so neither.

Was the last thing you ate hot or cold? They are meant to be consumed while hot.

Who was the last person in your house who isn’t family? Angela and Hans.

What color was the last swimsuit you wore? Pink.

Can you remember the last song you listened to? I just tuned into a random lo-fi playlist, so I’m not familiar with the tracks and the artists who made them.

Have you ever been dumped really harshly? Yes.

Can you do a back flip, or anything else of that sort? Nope.

Do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore? To a considerable extent.

What happened to cause you to feel that way about them? She is extremely selfish and the biggest coward I’ve ever met.

Are you more of a phone or a computer person? Laptop.

Do you have a job, and if so, where do you work? Yeah, I work at a PR firm.

If not, do you want one?

Do any medical afflictions run in your family? I know hypertension is kind of a thing on my mom’s side, but I don’t know if there are any other conditions I should know about.

What’s your favorite Mexican dish? Burritos and enchiladas.

Have you ever been to a professional sports game? No, just collegiate-league ones.

Do you prefer pads, tampons or something else? I use pads. I’ve never used a tampon or any other product, so there’s no basis for me to make a comparison and establish preferences.

Have you ever ordered a specially made cake from a cake shop? Yeppp, I got a customized cake for my birthday.

What months were you and your siblings born in? My brother and I were born in April; my sister was born in September.

What did you have for dinner last night? Barbecue chicken.

Have you ever had sex in/on a vehicle? In, yes. Do people have sex ON cars??????

Do you do anything to groom your eyebrows? I will shave extremely occasionally. Otherwise no, I don’t touch them.

Has your town ever flooded? This time of the year, always.

Have you ever played at the McDonald’s play place? Yup. I preferred Burger King’s playplace, though; it was lesser-known so there were fewer kids I was forced to play with.

Have you ever taken a picture of snow? I’ve never even seen it.

Do you cry easily? I can.

Are you happy with where you live? It’s quiet and safe, which is nice; but I think at this point I would be a lot happier and would be able to grow a lot if I moved to a big city.

Do people ever mistake you for being a different race? Not really; but as a general thought, it is an extremly big pet peeve when people only take into account East Asians when the topic of Asia comes up.

Do you hate the last person you kissed? I don’t hate her. But I can’t stand her.

What genre is your favorite movie? Drama, romance, a hint of comedy.

Who was the last person you were in a car with? My mom and my siblings.

Do you like the picture on your license/I.D. card? Yeah haha. I was allowed to smile on my license, so at least my photo doesn’t look gloomy.

When was the last time somebody hit on you? Hasn’t happened in a while.

Was the last person you met a male or female? For the first time? She’s a girl.

What brand is your underwear? I don’t remember the name anymore.

What’s your favorite Thanksgiving food? I don’t celebrate that.

Do you have a TV in your room? Nah. I don’t really watch the TV anymore, and using the living room TV to watch YouTube videos is enough for me.

Are any of your electronics charging right now? My laptop is constantly plugged in. My speaker is also charging at the moment.

What was the last video game you played? I have no clue, it’s been forever.

What’s the biggest promise someone’s ever made to you? Did they keep it? That they’ll always stay. I didn’t make her keep it; I was the one who moved on.

Google, Bing, or Yahoo? Google.

What was the last song you had on repeat? It’s been a while since I set a song on repeat. Maybe Film Out? If not that, maybe UGH!

Who is your favorite person to watch on YouTube? Rhett and Link or the Try Guys.

How many college degrees do you want? I’m okay with the one I have.

Can you wink? Yeah, but I’m substantially better at winking with my right eye than my left.

Do you own any jerseys? I don’t think so.

Have you ever tried to snort Pixie Stix as a child, or even an adult? No. I don’t even think I’ve had it ever.

Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? I’ve never been to a baby shower. Not a thing here.

Has there ever been a time in your life, you felt sexually undecided? I still am. I’m not bothered about it, though. Sex and who I have it with aren’t things I spend much time thinking about.

Do you think tattoos and piercings are sexy on the opposite sex? Depends. It certainly suits some people better.

Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? No...I am the short person asking for help :)))))))

What color are the headphones you have at this moment in time? I have black ones but I literally just took them off five minutes ago so I can transfer my music to the speaker I mentioned earlier.

Ever choked severely on something during lunch at your school? I don’t think so.

Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? VEGETABLES. I love green beans, eggplants, and bell peppers the most. I can’t stand fruits, with the one exception of avocados.

What would you say is the color of your favorite bra? Black.

Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? I don’t think so.

What do you usually buy when you go to the dollar store? We don’t have a dollar store, and that should be self-explanatory hah.

Ever peed in the pool? Be honest! God no. That’s gross.

When you’re older, what kind of house do you want to live in? Something modern and minimalist.

Where do you want to get married? Idk, I’m pretty traditional when it comes to this. Booking an events place would be ideal for me; the only thing on my wishlist would probably be the fact that I hope my wedding could be held somewhere cold, like Baguio.

Do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? Uh yeah, sure.

What is your favorite childhood TV show? Spongebob.

Honestly, do you like school? I liked it when I was granted more freedom to do things my own way, which is to say I really enjoyed college. But I didn’t mind school for the most part, especially since it meant being able to see my friends everyday.

Last thing that made you cry? I was listening to a song that resonated a lot with me at that moment.

Honestly, are you keeping a big secret right now? Nothing too big or life-changing to someone if they ever found out.

Last person you took a walk with? Idk, that’s not an activity I tend to do with other people.

Have you ever liked someone who didn’t like you back? No.

Who was the last person to actually pick you up in the air? My ex, probably.

Does any part of your body hurt? My shoulders are constantly hurting these days. I really need to buy a new work chair :(

If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a regret what would you do? Million bucks. Easiest choice.

Can you keep a secret? Sure.

Your favorite romantic movie? The Proposal.

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day? I honestly like it, and I celebrated it when I was able to.

Who was the last person you took a picture with? My sister and I took a silly selfie earlier.

Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? Some of the pairs I have do, but they’re meant to be ripped jeans.

Do you celebrate 420? Nope.

Have you ever kicked a vending machine? I don’t think so. I barely use them.

How do you eat Oreos? I just bite into them. No patience do the whole twist-lick thing. Sometimes I’ll dip them in milk, if we happen to have some.

Do you wear your shoes in the house? That is a big no-no.

Would you survive in prison? I might not.

Ever been to Georgia? No for both state and country.

Do you get your hair cut every month? No, just once a year. Which reminds me, I finalllllllly had my hair trimmed yesterday hahaha I got sick of my long-ass hair, which was starting to feel like a bitch to maintain. It’s only up to my shoulders now.

Current relationship in detail. I am single...nothing much to share about it. I get to enjoy to spend my money on myself, which is my favorite part about it hahaha.

If you were kicked out of your house, who would you call/go to? My grandma.

List things you spend money on in an average week. Food delivery and nearly every week, merch. I’ve considerably calmed down on the latter, though.

Rate each of your sexual partners (if any) from 1-10. I’ve only had one...I guess I’d give her a 9. A bit TMI but the oral could’ve been a little better.

Post the last FB group/page that you joined. I was looking for FB groups for a work deliverable, but I had to join one of them to give it a better scan. I don’t remember which group it had been, though.

Would you parents be mad if you were in a relationship? No. If they did, I would be very surprised they would still be meddling with a 23 year old’s life.

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? I’m sure.

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to? I’m not now, so no.

What board games are you good at? I’m quite terrible at all of them, tbh. It’s why I’ve always preferred to simply watch over my friends when they do play board or card games.

Is there a sport/hobby you keep thinking about taking up, but that you’ve never quite gotten around to starting? Wakeboarding. Do you think pranks like egging/toilet-papering someone's house are funny or immature? Immature.

Do you think “sleeve tattoos” are a good idea? I’m not totally obsessed with the idea, but they do look good on people.

Is there anything in particular that your parents argue about? What? I don’t know. 100% of the time they are caused by my grown-ass mother throwing a petty-ass tantrum, so I could not care less about the things they fight about.

Do you ever actually read the “Terms and Services” when you sign up for websites and such? Nah.

If you have a handheld games console (a DS or GameBoy, for example), how often do you use it? I haven’t used the Switch since last year.

Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for, what do you say? Pick it up and wait for them to talk.

If your best friend was kicked out, would your parents let him/her live with you? Probably not, knowing my mom – but I would do absolutely anything else to help.

Are you afraid of falling in love? I guess you can say that, yeah. I’m not headed towards that feeling again anytime soon, though.

Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now? I wish I was with my friends now.

Have you ever kissed someone & wished you didn’t? No.

Did you get kissed last night? Nope.

Do you enjoy going through a carwash? Idk, I’ve never taken my car to one. That’s something my parents take charge of.

How did you get most of your scars? Cooper.

Ever had to take an inkblot test? I haven’t.

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do? Sure. Like back in high school when a group of friends had been caught cheating on our chemistry exam – and we were told that the entire batch would be given a formal warning. I was on the minority side that found the entire situation hilarious, because I know they wouldn’t dare mar the records of everyone else who took that stupid test honestly.

Have you ever seriously slapped someone in anger? My brother, only because he put his hands on me first.

What/who woke you up this morning? Just me.

Who was the last person to be in your bedroom besides you? My mom, who always goes in there without knocking/warning.

What’s one of your locked text messages? I don’t lock my texts and I’m not sure if that’s an available feature on my phone.

Have you ever finished a game of Monopoly? I don’t even know how that game works lol.

Is there anyone you know who’s in any way paralyzed? Yes.

The truth all comes out when someone is drunk, true? I mean for the most part, yeah. It’s easier to be honest with a few drinks in you.

When was the last time you felt disappointed in yourself? Continued from the other day. Last week when I forgot about a virtual meeting and attended it 15 minutes after it started.

How about feeling disappointed in someone else? Last Friday when I had to watch my dad treat a service crew member like shit.

For you, do you commonly feel more jealousy or envy? Envy, I think. I don’t really feel jealous.

Do you rely on the heads/tails flipping of a coin sometimes for decisions? Nope, but close. I’ll do eenie-meenie sometimes haha

Do you have any specific chores you do around the house? Nothing I’m required to do but sometimes I’ll offer to wash the dishes or fold laundry.

For you, does comfort or fashion come first in dressing? It’s like 70% fashion, 30% comfort. Looking nice makes me feel more comfortable lol.

Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? Not each other; the dislike was one-sided. Gabie hated Andi for whatever reason, which in hindsight already should’ve been a red flag.

Do you like Laffy Taffy? No, I’ve never had one.

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? Manual, only because I’ve never seen, much less use, an electric one.

Are your biceps at all noticeable? Nah.

Have you ever seen a walrus? It’s possible, but I don’t have very good memories of it if I have seen one.

Did you ever have one of those Easy Bake ovens as a kid? Not a popular toy here.

Does your bathroom have a theme to it? It doesn’t. I think that would be a little tacky tbh.

From inside of your house, how many doors lead outside? Three. We have doors in the kitchen, dining room, and our main door by the living room.

Are there a lot of trees in your yard? Not really.

Have you ever liked someone that treated you like crap? Yes.

Have a best friend? Yup.

Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you? No? That’s pretty petty. Both Angela and Andi have big circles of friends and that would be stressful on my end if I made a fuss every time they hung out with anyone that isn’t me lol.

Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents? A bunch. I don’t count them as confidantes.

Does anyone hate you? It’s possible but I don’t care enough to want to know.

What’s the one thing you regret more than anything? Not breaking up with Gabie earlier, even though all the red flags were there.

Do you remember important dates? For the most part, yeah.

What’s some lyrics from a song that means a lot to you? “Dream, may all of creation be with you til the end of your life Dream, wherever you are, will welcome you Dream, may your trials end in full bloom Dream, though your beginnings might be humble, may the end be prosperous.”

Who gives the best advice? Andi. They’re able to tell me advice I don’t want to hear but am supposed to be hearing, which I appreciate.

Who do you usually see in your dreams? :) It’s a random cast every time.

What type of cake did you last eat? It was carrot cake with a really good cream cheese frosting.

How many of your friends are gay or bisexual? Almost all of them are...it’s easier to count friends who are straight.

What’s your favorite type of sandwich? Anything with pulled pork in it tbh.

When was the last time someone asked you out? Did you accept or decline? I’ve never been asked out.

Do you like The Offspring? I know a couple of songs but I definitely can’t call myself a fan.

One pillow or two? Two.

Do you like Mad Libs? I’ve never tried playing it.

Are you suicidal? Not lately. I haven’t been for a while, actually. I’m really happy about that.

Where do your grandparents live? My paternal grandparents live in the south. My maternal grandma lives in the village right next to ours haha, so not far away at all.

Do you cut yourself? Yeesh. Can’t questions like this come with a trigger warning? Anyway, no I haven’t in a while as well.

What is your pet’s name? Kimi and Cooper.

Have you ever been to Canada? No, but I'd love to visit. < Same!

Aren’t babies overrated? I think they are overrated in a sense that everyone always seems to want one of their own, but the circle gets extremely smaller when it comes to those who actually have the capacity to take proper care of an infant.

Have a built-in pool in your backyard? No.

Ever won yourself a stuffed animal? Sure, in like claw games and whatnot.

Ever had someone else win you a stuffed animal? No. I don’t really like stuffed toys lol.

Ever been to a circus? Nope.

Ever shot animals? I have not.

Do you consider yourself intelligent? I guess I’m booksmart more than anything else. I had good grades and can handle myself in arguments and debates...but I have my weaknesses in other aspects too, like street smarts lol.

Have you ever run away from home? I had a period when I wanted to, but never pushed through with it.

Do you put family first, friends, relationships, school, or something else? Work > friends > family.

What’s something you’ve stood up for in the past? I always shoot my mom a glare as if to say “be careful of the line you’re crossing” whenever she makes a homophobic, sexist, or racist remark.

What’s something you worked extremely hard to get? The healthy and stable mental disposition I find myself in these days. I would never give it up for anything ever again.

Are you satisfied with your body image? I mean not fully, but I also don’t have any complaints.

Have you ever been labeled negatively or otherwise been called something extremely derogatory? I’ve been called a bitch by this girl that was just a terror to be classmates with back in middle school. She was known to a big war freak and had her fair share of behavioral/anger issues, so it didn’t really affect me once I knew I was her next target. I didn’t encounter her again until college when we ended up attending the same university, and she’s changed a lot for the better.

Have you ever seriously taken advantage of someone or been taken advantage of? The former, no. Yes to the latter.

Have you ever been seriously ill? My fever last year really felt like the end of me lmao, so I guess yeah.

Have you ever befriended a former enemy? She wasn’t an enemy per se, but I just found myself immensely irritated by Sofie during our first few meetings; but then she ended up being one of my best friends for a time

If you’re not religious, would you ever pray as a last resort? If you are religious, do you often pray for other people? I did in the past. I wouldn’t do so these days.

Have you ever dated someone, then after you dated they came out of the closet or switched (for lack of a better word) sexual orientation? That hasn’t happened to me.

Has a boy/girl ever walked a ridiculous distance just to see you? How about vice versa? I think once? My ex was brewing a surprise for me for Valentine’s Day last year and to cut the long story short, she essentially walked a crazy long distance in my school to make the surprise a success. My university is huge and even I prefer to take my car whenever I have to go from one building to another, so I definitely saw the effort she had put in.

When was the last time you felt really uncomfortable? Right now. It’s really humid and my electric fan isn’t really doing anything to curb the heat :/

Is there anything that your mom is really known for as to how she is as a person? She is very uptight.

Who have you been talking to the most today? My co-workers, albeit virtually.

Are you nosy? Nah. I won’t really press and will wait for people to open up.

What’s the meanest thing you have done to a friend? I don’t do mean things to my friends.

If your ex called you crying, what would it most likely be about? Fuck if I know. Her pride is way up in the sky for her to do something like this.

Who was the best kisser out of all the people you have kissed? I’ve only kissed one person.

Have you ever been told that you have an annoying laugh? I don’t think so. It would be etched in my head if I was ever told this.

#survey #surveys

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toomuch-caffeine · 3 years ago

Text

Titles don't matter

AO3 link

Word count: 8726

Summary: First, Happy was dating some mysterious woman. Then his new nephew turned out to be superhero. And now Tony somehow gained a kid.

Rating: Teen

Warnings: kidnapping, gunshot wounds, unnamed bad guy's death

A/N: Reposted from AO3, third fic in a series

---

A big reveal of Spider-Man’s identity and by consequence Happy’s mysterious girlfriend, who was a vigilante’s Aunt, brought a lot of yelling and long conversations in med bay. Said vigilante was a teenager and hid the fact that he fights criminals in his pajamas for more than a year, which made his Aunt mix of angry, guilty and terrified. When the situation calmed down, a couple of days after Peter Parker woke up from the surgery and had a chance to defend his actions, Tony made a proposition to May and Happy. Peter could train in the Tower with the Avengers and also would make a super suit with Tony. A suit that would contain a lot of safety protocols and a way to control young hero’s actions by adults.

That’s how Tony ended up giving a tour of his workshop. He observed the awestruck teenager in front of him. Peter looked around, lips slightly parted and eyes wide open. Tower’s lab was definitely an update from dumpsters and school workshops. It occupied two whole floors, one of them belonged to Tony, one to Bruce. Sleek holotables and expensive materials were enough to make every nerdy teenager’s knees weak. There was still some clutter in the corner, but Tony had cleaned up a bit, to impress Peter more.

“Come on, kid, that’s your workstation.” Tony showed a big, empty oval table, to a lingering in a threshold kid. Peter’s eyes widened even more, something that Tony didn’t think was possible.

“Wow, seriously?”

“Yeah. And those are Dum-E and U.” Tony didn’t even have to motion at the two robots, as both of them were currently surrounding Peter, trying to get to know the newcomer. Kid petted both of them, laughing and they seemed satisfied. He was seriously endearing. Couple of minutes spent with him and Tony could already tell why he wormed his way to Happy’s heart in no time. He was still shy with Tony and other Avengers, but around May and Happy he acted like a rambling ball of sunshine. He was too polite for his own sake and looking at his school records, Tony could tell, he was brilliant and right now he wanted to test that.

“So, introductions are done, time for fun!” Tony clapped his hands. “You can use everything in here-”

“Oh my god, this is like the best day of my life, Ned, you know, my friend, won’t believe me!”

“-but there are gonna be rules,” Tony continued. Mention of the rules brought all of Peter’s attention to him.

“First of all, FRIDAY won’t let you in the lab without me or Bruce present. You can experiment with whatever you want, but you have to run your ideas by me or Bruce or FRIDAY first. If you set something on fire, Dum-E has a fire extinguisher. Don’t eat or drink anything bots give you, they mix food with motor oil.

“Okay, so for the first project, we’ll do your spider suit together and you will learn along the way what FRIDAY can do, where are the tools and so on.” Tony sat down next to Peter, motioned for holograms to appear. “So, let’s get started.”

~~~

Tony never liked having company in the workshop. Other people were loud and nagging him to do stuff like eating or sleeping. But then came Bruce, who was quiet, could keep up with him and stand his moods. And then Peter appeared. The kid that understood arc reactor technology and Bruce’s papers. Even when something posed a problem to him, explaining was a pleasure, not a hindrance. He actually wanted to teach him all that he could and he already made several notes of what to do with the kid after they finished the suit. Peter’s ramblings replaced his workshop playlist and soon Tony knew all about his friends and teachers, his stories from patrols, as well as his favorite dishes and ice cream flavors. So he enjoyed working with Peter. His teammates might have also noticed that.

~~~

“Keep this up young spider and you will beat me in sparring,” Natasha praised him after the training. Peter, red faced from exertion, smiled and thanked. Then, he quickly grabbed a bottle that Steve threw at him from behind. He opened it and took a sip.

“Wow, I’m so hungry right now,” he stated.

“We have a lunch in an hour, think you will survive ‘til then?”

“Uhh, I don’t know, who’s cooking?”

“Well, it doesn’t matter, because there’s your favorite pizza waiting for you in the lab.” Another voice butted in. The owner of this voice appeared a moment after. “Spiderling! Come on, we’re burning sunlight!”

“But Mr. Stark, it’s not even noon and we don’t need sunlight in the lab!”

“Yeah, but Happy picks you up at 5, come on, come on, we have a lot to do.”

“Stark, stop making excuses to hog the kid just for yourself,” Natasha joked.

“Yeah, it’s been a month and he spent that mostly with you in the lab,” Bucky backed her up.

“Well, maybe because he knows who is best. Kiddo, who’s your favorite Avenger?” Tony shot them all a smile and clapped Peter on the shoulder.

“Well, I don’t know, but Bruce Banner is pretty cool? You know the most renowned scientist of his generation, his work on gamma rad-“

“You ungrateful child. I build a multimillion dollar super suit with you and that’s how you repay me?” Tony mocked outrage and started dragging Peter out of the gym. “We’re going. But maybe take a shower first.”

~~~

“Parker, you’re cheating!” Sam shouted when Peter threw at him another blue shell and won the race.

“I’m not cheating!”

“That’s not fair!”

“Rules allow that!”

“Then the rules are wrong!” Sam threw his hands up in the air. “God, I can’t believe that I lost to a teenager.”

Clint, who came the last, said, laying face first on the carpet, “You never win with kids in those things. Seriously, I have three of them, I know it.”

“Kid? Where are you? You said you are going to eat. Did the fridge eat you?” Tony came shouting.

“I’m sorry Mr. Stark, but Mr. Barton and Mr. Wilson invited me to play Mario Kart with them,” Peter answered beaming.

“And how did you do?”

“I won!” Peter gestured at the screen with the results and two defeated men.

“That’s great. Hey, when you come to the lab, I’ll let you mess with Iron Man repulsors.”

“Oh my god, yes!” Peter’s eyes lit up and he hurried after Tony.

“Wow, Tony stole Happy’s kid,” Sam said incredulously, when they both left.

“Do you think he will hide and lock him in his lab forever?” Clint lifted himself from the carpet.

“Dunno. Wanna go another round?”

~~~

So when the summer break ended, Spider-Man’s suit tested and ready to use, the atmosphere in the workshop changed. Kid started spending mornings at school and afternoons alternating between patrols and spending time in the lab. But the amount of time spent together was significantly smaller and emptiness started annoying Tony. It did wonders to his responsibilities to SI and Avengers Initiative as he was less inclined to lock himself up in the workshop.

~~~

“Tony, did something blow up here?” Bruce entered his workshop and stopped in his tracks, shell-shocked and looking around. He hadn’t been in Tony’s workshop for a long time as he worked mostly in his or small med bay’s lab and it was Tony, who would pay friendly visits to other labs (or come to bother Bruce). Currently, on Peter’s workstation were piling papers and textbooks. Every other surface was covered in post-it notes with Spanish vocabulary.

“I’m helping Peter with Spanish.”

“Tony, do you even know Spanish?” Bruce asked with raised eyebrows.

“I do now.”

“So… You are learning Spanish. For Peter,” Bruce stated.

“I’m learning for myself. It’s just a side effect that I can help him.”

“And it has nothing to do with Nat and Bucky teaching him Russian?”

“Nothing.”

“Sure. Now, do you have a UV lamp? Mine had broken down.”

“Oh, yeah, it’s there.”

~~~

“Soo, Mr. Stark, I have a question, you don’t have to say yes, of course…” Kid said, playing with a zipper.

“Just spit it out.”

“Cannedcometotheworkshopplease?” Peter let out a question in one breath with unbelievable speed.

“Say that again, but slower?”

“Can Ned come to the workshop, please? We have a robotics project for school, an-“

“Jesus, of course you can invite your friend over, you don’t need to stress so much.”

“Thank you Mr. Stark!”

And that’s how Tony ended up giving a lab tour to another teenager, this time a chubby, Asian kid, that gave the gaping fish impression at the first sight of the workshop.

“So, kiddos, what do you need to do for your little project?”

The project ended up with a very angry May Parker yelling at him.

“Stark! Why the fuck school called me to tell me that Peter’s last project was to dangerous to show in class?” Her lips were pressed into a thin line and she crossed her arms.

“Wha- It wasn’t anything that would blow up?” Tony said hesitantly as he didn’t exactly remember what he came up with.

“There were lasers, Tony.”

“Not very dangerous, if you ask me, just for a show.” He was sure that he didn’t let kids put anything that would destroy school in their project.

“Lasers that apparently cut a school desk and a whiteboard in half.” Or maybe he did. “He was given a 3 day suspension for bringing dangerous objects to school!”

“Oh, wow, I mean, that’s bad…” Tony was literally unable to act guilty, because that meant Peter would be out of school, and that meant…

“He’s not going to spend that time with you.” May Parker’s sharp voice cut off his train of thoughts.

“Oh…”

He spent those three days redecorating and personalizing the guest room, where Peter had stayed a couple of times. His actions brought some half-hidden smiles from his teammates and Pepper, but he shrugged it off.

~~~

“Pepper, why did you take my intern?”

“I didn’t take anyone, Tony.” Pepper leveled him with a stare. “Peter came to me, asking for help with English essay for school.”

“Why didn’t he ask me?”

“Because you said that English classes are useless and he should ditch them.”

“What? No! I didn’t! Why would I?” Tony sputtered.

“FRIDAY, pull up the footage, please,” Pepper said with an exhale.

“Okay, FRIDAY, don’t, I did, but I shouldn’t. Kid, don’t ditch school, your education is important.”

“Well, I can always become a full time Avenger.”

“Wha- no! No, you can’t, I forbid, you are going to finish high school, then go to MIT and then work in SI, and you are not going to be a full time Avenger. Over my dead body!” Tony’s speech made both Pepper and Peter laugh.

“I was just joking.” Peter scrunched his eyebrows as some thought just came to him. “Have you already planned my life for me?”

“No?”

“Oookay,” he replied, dragging the o. “Anyway, I just thought, that Pepper has more experience in humanities that you,” said Peter

“So when you are done with English, head down to the lab, because I have some upgrade ideas to discuss with you.”

Tony shot a glare at Pepper and she glared back. Tony decided to do a tactical retreat and leave the room.

~~~

“Tony, wait!” Happy called after him. “Look, I just wanted to talk about Peter.” That grabbed Tony’s attention.

“Is he okay? I didn’t get any-“

“No, no, he’s fine, I just wanted to talk about him. And you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I talked with May and she noticed that as well and he spends a lot of time with you.”

“If you want me to stop h-“

“I don’t want you to stop, there’s just a building full of people who also want to spend time with him.” Happy’s words were rushed and he seemed out of breath.

“So what do you want me to do, throw him out of the workshop?”

“Tony, just don’t go around complaining that he’s currently doing something with someone else.” Happy made a placating gesture and continued, “Look, I know you love him, I do too , but you can’t monopolize all his time.”

Tony opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He thought about his interactions with Peter for the past couple of months. Yeah, he liked the kid, liked teaching and helping him, a lot of his Spider-Man’s adventures had raised his heart rate and had given him a few gray hairs, but love? Nope, he didn’t need it and the kid didn’t need it.

He finally found his voice, “I don’t l-“

“God, you are an emotionally stunted idiot.” Happy shook his head. “Everyone sees that. Talk with Pepper.”

“Oh-okay,” Tony replied in confusion.

~~~

Pepper and Tony were laying in bed, the former reading a book, the latter looking at some blueprints.

“Happy said that I love Peter,” Tony dropped suddenly. The woman closed a book and turned on her side to look at him.

“And you don’t agree with that,” she stated.

“Well, it’s not like I don’t agree with it, but…”

“Tony, you literally started learning a new language to help him. And you also do your paperwork, while he does his homework, because you want to set a good example. You also started sleeping and eating regularly, for the same reason.”

“I just want to be a good example.”

“I also know something else.”

“Hmm?”

“Your will.”

“Oh.” Tony had, in fact, updated his will a month before and made Peter his sole heir. Peter wasn’t aware of this fact as Tony waited for him to be eighteen. May, as a legal guardian, and Happy, by extension, were the only ones informed about it. “But you know, he’s clever.”

“Would you do that to every clever kid?”

“…no.” Pepper smiled and picked up her book. Tony stared at the ceiling, thinking. After a minute he said, “He also said that I spend too much time with him.”

“Happy said that?”

“Uh-huh…”

“Tony… He just means that you are fairly annoying, when Peter spends time with the team and you come dragging him to the workshop.”

“I don’t drag him anywhere.”

“You know what I mean,” Pepper responded disapprovingly.

“Okay, okay, I know.”

After the beat of silence Tony spoke again, “You know, we could make our own kids.”

“You already have one.”

“He’s Happy’s and May’s, I just borrowed him.”

“And after we make our own, you are going to give him back?”

“Ehh, no, he grew on me.” Tony blinked, realizing something. “Wait you said after? Does that mean-“

“Good night, Tony.” Pepper turned off the lights.

“But you don’t dismiss the idea…”

“Good night.”

~~~

He did make it weird. They were five minutes into their usual lab time and Tony couldn’t stop staring at the kid and recalling conversations with Happy and Pepper. Peter , currently unaware of the turmoil inside Tony , was sitting at his workstation, chewing on a pencil and focusing on calculus homework. Tony sitting with his own pile of papers moved his eyes to the sheet of paper before him. ‘ Article 5c…' What the fuck am I reading? He looked on the desk, where read pieces of paper were laying. Apparently it was a contract. He didn’t recall its content at all. He looked at Peter again. Still chewing on a pencil.

“Hey, don’t chew on that!”

“What?”

“You’ll destroy your teeth by chewing on pencils.”

Peter scrunched his eyebrows.

“Seriously?” He looked at the pencil and at Tony. “Why are you so weird today?”

“I’m not weird.”

“You are looking at me.”

“Maybe I like watching you.” As soon as those words left his mouth, Tony winced internally at them. Great, now he is a creepy, rich guy, who likes watching teenagers. “Or maybe not.” Peter’s eyebrows raised in question. “But I still like you.”

“You are being really weird,” Peter said, unsure of what he should do.

“Do you like being here?”

“Sure, why wouldn’t I?”

“You are not feeling obligated to do so? You wouldn’t prefer to spend time with Steve right now?”

“I don’t understand…”

“It’s a simple question, Pete.”

“Yeah, but I don’t understand why you are asking me that.”

“Just answer it, kid.”

“No , I don’t feel obligated to spend time here. I wouldn’t prefer to spend time with Steve right now” Peter replied, confusion and nervousness clearly visible, with how he started playing with the pencil.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s good, good talk, go back to your homework.” Peter looked at him quizzically for a moment, then he shrugged and went back to calculus. Tony started going through the contract. Except after five lines he lost his focus again and started thinking about Peter again. Emotions were always confusing for him and it didn’t help that everything about a situation was complicated. He couldn’t exactly Google ‘my bodyguard is dating a woman with a kid and I think I kind of love that kid, but I’m not sure what to do.’ Happy and Pepper both said that it’s okay and their only complaint was he tries to keep Peter to himself too much. And he was willing to admit that they were in fact right. But that was followed by the doubts if Peter actually wants to spend time in the workshop or if he just a pressured poor kid, who didn’t feel like he could refuse. Even if he wanted to spend time with him, where would he draw the line ? He had May and Happy as, well, parental figures. So what did it make Tony?

“Why are you staring at me again, Tony ? ” Peter’s voice startled him. He didn’t even notice when he moved his gaze from paperwork before him to kid again.

“I’m not.”

“Yeah, you are.”

Tony moved his eyes to the ceiling and sighted.

“Okay, I am. But I want to talk to you about something and I don’t know how.” Talking about feelings. Apparently a mature thing to do.

“Oh. Did I do something wrong? Because-“

“No, no, no, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Tony quickly denied. “Wait. Why did you think that you did something wrong? Did you?” He stared intensely at Peter.

“No, I just, you know…”

“Okay, never mind, we’ll talk about this later.” Tony took a big breath and started, “I talked with Happy. And Pepper. They both thi-“ A ping from his phone interrupted him, he looked at it and swore. “Okay, looks like we need to postpone our conversation.”

“What’s going on? Is that a mission? Should I-“

“Not a mission, stay there and do your homework, I’m going to be back soon or I’ll send Pepper.” Tony quickly left the workshop and once he was out of hearing range, he said, “FRIDAY, what’s going on?”

“There was a shooting at Central Park. Happy Hogan and May Parker were involved.”

“Are they okay?”

“911 reports say that Mr. Hogan was injured.”

“Send location to the suit, I’m going there. Divert the ambulance with Happy to the Tower, inform Cho and Pepper of the situation.”

“What should I tell Mr. Parker?”

“Don’t tell him anything yet.”

May and Happy had a date tonight, they should’ve been safe. But something happened and Tony had to do damage control quickly.

~~~

There was already the police and an ambulance departing the scene. Tony couldn’t see neither Happy nor May anywhere. He hoped that they were both in the ambulance that he saw leaving. He landed and immediately saw the crowd turn to him. He didn’t have time for fans and questions, ignoring them, he confidently strode towards NYPD officers, the crowd parting like the Red Sea.

“What’s going on, where’s May Parker and Happy Hogan?”

“Excuse me Mr. Stark, but you have to stand behind that tape.” one of the officers pointed with a finger.

“Mr. Hogan is my employee and has close ties to the Avengers and as such, that case falls under our jurisdiction,” he quickly replied, leveling the cop with a stare. It was a young looking man in uniform. His eyes widened and he opened his mouth in shock.

“Okay, I know that you are here to just keep the crowd away. Just bring me to someone, who is in charge here,” Tony quickly added more calmly. This worked, because he quickly found himself in the company of Detective Morrison and Detective Slater. Both of them were tall, unimpressed looking men.

“I understand Mr. Stark that you are nervous, but we are currently questioning the witnesses.” Morrison crossed his arms over the chest. Tony looked at his phone. Steve was trying to get that case handed over to them, but there’s only so much that can be done in five minutes and without any proof that it was an Avengers-level threat. Happy was admitted in the Tower’s med bay, unconscious and with a bullet hole. May Parker wasn’t with him and Tony was currently trying to locate her.

“You don’t understand. I just need to talk to a woman. May Parker. This high, brown hair, wears glasses. She was with Happy Hogan and probably will know what happened here.”

“I’m sorry, but there was no woman matching your description among people on scene when we arrived.” Finally Tony got confirmation of what he suspected all along and could act on that. He unblocked his phone and chose the number.

“Rogers, shooting in Central Park, May Parker wasn’t on scene when authorities had arrived, she’s possibly missing.” Then he turned to the Detectives, “We’ll need the witness statements that you’ve gathered.” He handed them a business card.

~~~

Back at the Tower Tony immediately rushed to the workshop. Peter was still there, having finished homework, he was preparing a web fluid.

“Hey, kid,” Tony started. Peter jumped in surprise and spilled the chemicals. He moved to clean it, but Tony stopped him

“Leave this. We need to talk.”

“Uhh, yeah, you'd said that before you left.”

“About something else, actually.” He placed his hands on the kid's shoulders and pushed him gently in the direction of a lab stool. “Sit down.” Peter complied and turned his attention to him.

“I left, because FRIDAY informed me of… shooting in Central Park. Happy and May were involved in it. Happy is currently in surgery and we don’t know where May is.” Tony decided to be short. As he watched Peter’s expression morph from neutral to disbelief and then pure shock and fear, he thought that maybe being more gentle and less direct was a better idea.

“What? No! That’s not… Please…” Peter’s breath quickened and started coming in short pants. He swayed on the unstable lab stool. Tony caught him by his shoulders.

“You need to breathe, kid or you’re gonna pass out.”

Fortunately Peter was able to get his breathing under control on his own and didn’t work himself into a full-blown panic attack. After a short silence filled only with the sound of his inhales and exhales, he feebly said, “I want to help.”

“Absolutely not,” Tony answered sternly and moved back.

“It’s May!”

“That is exactly why you won’t be doing anything!”

“You don’t understand!”

“Yes, I do! You won’t be able to keep your cool and you will be a liability not help! We can’t afford that!”

“Well, you can’t stop me!”

“Oh, yes I can. FRIDAY, Peter is not allowed to leave the Tower or access any files on the case.” Tony gave his orders to AI and looked at Peter. The teenager was fuming.

“You have no right!”

“If you think I’m the bad guy here, you can talk to Steve, he’s going to tell you the same thing.”

“I hate you!” Peter pushed him and stormed out of the workshop.

“FRIDAY, tell him that he should go to med bay to keep Happy company,” Tony barked out and then sighted, sat down by the desk and put his head in his arms. Somehow he managed to destroy everything in two minutes. Well, at least he knew where he stood. He rubbed his face and got up. Team was waiting for him in one of the conference rooms.

~~~

Avengers got permission to handle the case with the NYPD. So along with the team, there were two disgruntled detectives that Tony had met before. Steve led the meeting. After an hour of talking that had led them exactly to nothing he summed up, “For now, we have first responders and witnesses reports, none of them actually saw what happened, most of them heard the gunshot and saw only the result. Nobody recalls seeing May. FRI (DAY?) is running facial recognition, but to no avail. She’s also reviewing all of the footage from the nearest cameras to the scene and flagging anything unusual.”

At that moment Bruce entered the room.

“I have an update on Happy,” he started. ”GSW to the stomach, although nothing vital was hit. Cho’s using her regeneration cradle, so he should be able to tell us what happened when the anesthesia wears off.”

The team nodded at that.

“How’s Peter, Tony?” Natasha turned to him.

“He said that he hates me, because I didn’t let him help us,” Tony said dryly.

“He doesn’t really hate you, Tony,” Clint reassured him. “He’s just frightened that he’s going to lose the closest thing he has to a mother.”

“You need to talk to him,” Natasha stated.

“Yeah, I need to check on him anyway. FRI, where is he?”

“I am unable to determine Mr. Parker’s location.” Blood in Tony’s veins froze in an instant. The whole room went quiet, you could hear the pin drop.

“What… What do you mean?”

“Mr. Parker left the Tower approximately 30 minutes ago.”

“What?! I told you not to let him out! Track him!”

“The protocol has been overridden. Current protocol prohibits me from tracking him.”

“How?”

“I believe that the current protocol was created by Ned Leeds.”

“Fuck.” Wow, letting the kid’s friend in the lab bit him in the ass for the second time.

“Tony, what’s going on? Who’s-“

“Peter and his friend hacked FRIDAY to sneak out and they added coding that makes it impossible to track him. I’m going to fix that.”

It was a long night. Tony spent hours fixing FRIDAY’s programming. At the end he was seriously considering whether it’s better to kill or hire Ned. Unfortunately after removal of the offending code it was too late to find Peter. He disappeared into thin air. His spider suit and phone were left at the Tower. He had changed his clothes in a back alley nearby and he wasn’t caught by any cameras, so they didn’t have anything to go on. At 4 AM it started sounding a bit surreal. Man gets shot and a woman goes missing in a public place in broad daylight. Teenager runs away and doesn't leave any trace. Everything in the span of two hours. Now they were just waiting for something. Clint and Sam played cards quietly. Steve and Natasha were going through everything they’ve managed to gather for an umpteenth time. Bruce went back to med bay to help Cho. Bucky just fell asleep on the table. The two detectives had left. Tony just stared at the screen no longer understanding what he was seeing, his mind exploring horrifying scenario number 78, where they find two mutilated bodies in a river and Happy dies because Cho missed something.

“Mr. Parker was registered by a street camera near the Tower, five minutes ago.” FRIDAY’S voice cut the silence. “He seems to be heading here.”

“What? Where’s he now?” Tony jumped to his feet.

“Mr. Parker just entered the Tower,” FRIDAY announced. “He’s going to the penthouse level.”

~~~

Tony for the past few hours imagined the lecture that he was going to give Peter when he saw him again. Something that would make the kid regret the day he was born. But when he saw him standing by the elevator, all of the anger had left him and immense relief washed over him. Peter was pale and shaking like leaf, but according to FRIDAY was unharmed

“Thank god!” That was all Tony said before pulling him into a hug. Peter, stiff at first, melted into him and started crying. His legs gave out and they both crumbled to the floor.

“I don’t hate you, I don’t hate you, I don’t-“

“Sh, sh, I know, it’s okay, I know, kiddo, I know,” Tony instinctively shushed him and started rocking them back and forth. He looked up and saw Pepper in pajamas, who was woken up and drawn there by the noise and he shook his head a little. She quickly understood and left for their bedroom.

Tony didn’t know how long they sat there but his legs went numb. Eventually Peter calmed down and said, “I thought you would chew me out for running.”

“I thought too. I’m still going to, after you get some sleep.”

“Hmm…”

They sat like that in silence for some more time. Finally Tony moved and helped Peter up.

“Come on, you still need to sleep.”

~~~

Peter looked better after the shower. Not so pale. Tony pushed him into bed, turned off the light and was about to leave, when the small voice called, “Can you stay?” Tony turned towards the owner of this voice. In the darkness he could only distinguish the lump on the bed and curls peeking out from beneath the covers. He moved closer and sat on bed next to Peter, leaning against the headboard.

“Only until you fall asleep,” he said softly. He didn’t exactly know what he’s doing, comforting someone was completely uncharted territory for him. He remembered something that Jarvis used to do for him, when he was little. He put his hand on Peter's head and started running fingers through the soft curls. Peter sighted and leaned closer.

“I’m sorry for running away,” he mumbled.

“You should be.”

“I just wanted to do something…”

“And what did you do?”

“I just wandered around. I didn’t have any plan and I realized that I won’t help. I was scared that you would be mad, so I didn’t come back immediately.”

“I was mad, I still am, but I was mostly afraid, kid. You can’t do things like that.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

Peter finally closed his eyes and relaxed a little. Tony thought that he was asleep.

“Do you think you’re gonna find May?” Peter asked quietly, startling Tony, who looked down and saw wide eyes staring at him. ‘ He’s just frightened’, he remembered Clint’s words.

“I don’t know. I hope so.” Peter closed his eyes again and pressed his cheek against Tony’s thigh. Tony kept playing with his hair until his breaths evened out and face and shoulders relaxed completely. He stayed like that for a moment before standing up. He stopped in the doorway, looked at sleeping form and whispered, “Sleep tight, kiddo.”

After that Tony went to the kitchen, where Pepper waited for him.

“How is he?”

“Physically? Good. Mentally? As well as he could be in that situation.” He moved towards a coffee machine.

“I handled CPS. He can stay here, for now.”

“That’s good, good.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Coffee. And then go to the team and see if there’s some progress. Find May eventually. You?”

“I’m going to make sure that nothing burns in the process.” she smiled at him softly.

“FRIDAY will let me know when he wakes up, but can you keep an eye on him?” he looked at her.

“I’ve already cleared my schedule.”

“What would I do without you?”

~~~

When he entered the conference room everyone was a bit agitated.

“What happened?”

“A witness came forward, she saw a van and some men in ski masks near the scene,” Natasha started explaining. “One of the traffic cameras caught a vehicle matching the description. We have a license plate.”

It turned out that their excitement was short-lived. Sam and Bucky found the van in an alley a couple blocks away. Police forensics examined it. They would have to wait for the full results, but for now it seemed that it was cleaned. The only noteworthy thing they discovered were traces of blood, presumably May’s. All of the nearby cameras recorded many other cars at the interesting period of time and it was impossible to tell which one belonged to kidnappers. The owner was a kind old man, named Stan, who reported the van's theft a week before. The investigation on that also hit a dead end. They were in process of reviewing the material gathered by the police and made FRIDAY find footage from the night of the van’s theft, but it didn’t seem to go anywhere. They also found May’s phone, or rather what was left of it. They were working on two theories, first one that someone noticed that she spends lots of time with Happy and kidnapped her for information, second one that she was kidnapped for a ransom. They had thought that maybe Happy would say something groundbreaking, but his story didn’t tell them anything that they already knew or suspected.

“There were three men in ski masks and non-descript clothes, with guns. They tried to grab us, one of them shot me. I think they got scared and took only May. I don’t remember much more.”

That left them to wait and look into the enemies' of Avengers, SI and Spider-Man recent activity. Honestly with the amount of material they had, they should have made some progress.

24 hours have passed and they managed to hit a dead end. No one saw anything, no camera registered anything. Tony looked at the clock in the conference room accusingly. First 48 hours were the time when most of the missing people were found. After that chances started to diminish. They’d already used half of that time. Tony should probably go find and comfort Peter instead of sitting and not doing anything, but he couldn’t make himself leave the room in case something happened. Besides, finding May would be probably the most comforting thing they could do.

His train of thoughts was interrupted by an email notification. He looked at the new message and felt his heart drop immediately.

“Fuck! Guys?”

~~~

Everyone in the conference room sat in silence as the video was playing. This time apart from two detectives, there were ransom specialists joining the team. Video featured the kidnappers beating up May and making demands. It looked really bad, with two men punching and kicking her without even looking where. She already had some bruises and what looked like a broken nose. Hits were leaving red marks that would soon turn into bruises. What raised the biggest concern was that May barely reacted. She probably already had a concussion or was drugged.

“Mr. Hogan, we have your girlfriend. In exchange for her, we want 5 million dollars. We are sure that you can get that amount easily from your boss. We give you 48 hours, or we will have fun with her.”

Tony immediately took his phone to organize the demanded amount of money in cash.

“Tony, what are you doing?” Steve asked him.

“Getting them what they want, what do you think I’m doing?”

“I think we should make a plan first,” Bucky joined calmly.

“What plan? They said, what they want, we give them that, we get May back!”

“Excuse me sir, but you shouldn’t do that,” one of the K&R specialists interrupted. “This video doesn’t count as proof of life, so we don’t know if that woman is still alive. A phone call would be preferable. Also, in ransom negotiations the first offer generally should be declined.”

“Am I the only person in this room that actually watched this video? You didn’t hear what they wanted to do? Didn’t see what they were doing?”

“It is not in the kidnappers interest to kill her quickly if they want ransom. They just want to show the power they have over you.”

“Besides, the more we communicate with them, the more we have to track them,” Natasha added. “Also you shouldn’t negotiate. When they get to talk with the billionaire Tony Stark, they are immediately going to raise their demands.”

“It’s also going to be a press nightmare if the media get a sniff on this.”

“Fine!” Tony threw his arms over the head. “Do whatever you want.” He left the room slamming the door.

~~~

Tony went to med bay to inform Happy about the recent development. Peter and Pepper also were there. They sat on plastic chairs, Pepper hugging Peter. Happy laid in bed. He woke up, when Tony entered the room. Tony sat down heavily on the chair in the corner.

“Anything has changed?” Pepper asked. Tony sighted and gave them an extremely watered down description of the video content.

“Those specialists tell me that paying immediately is a mistake and the team says that I shouldn’t get involved.”

“They’re specialists for a reason,” Pepper reasoned.

“I want to see that video,” Happy said.

“Trust me on this, you don’t want to.”

“Tony…”

“You focus on getting better, Hap,” Tony cut him off and turned to Peter. “Have you eaten?”

“Yeah.”

“A sandwich a couple of hours ago,” supplied Pepper.

“You have to eat more with your metabolism, kiddo,” Tony said seriously. “Come on. We’re going to the kitchen and then there’s bedtime for Spider-babies.”

“I’m neither hungry nor tired.”

“Yeah, I’m not explaining to your Aunt, why are you starved and sleep deprived.”

“If you will have someone to explain to,” Peter mumbled under a breath.

“Yeah, you're not talking like that. We’ll get her back and you are going to eat.” Tony put his arms under Peter’s armpits and pulled him up. “If you don’t cooperate, I’ll use a suit to drag you to the kitchen.”

~~~

Tony managed to coax Peter into the kitchen, without dragging and made him blueberry pancakes. (“Pancakes? But that’s breakfast food.” “Yeah, and you are going to eat them at 10 PM.”) They repeated the routine from yesterday. It also calmed down Tony and he started accepting that specialists and the team might be right. He came back to the conference room, where everyone was except for Clint and Natasha.

“FRIDAY tracked the kidnappers, they didn’t cover their tracks well.” Steve’s voice greeted him. “Clint and Nat are doing reconnaissance right now.”

Clint’s and Nat’s intel helped them develop a plan. There were four kidnappers, holding May in a suburban house. They were armed, but definitely weren’t professionals. This didn’t work in the team’s favor, because their lack of experience made them unpredictable. With the hostage present they really couldn’t afford a fight, even though they outnumbered the opponents. So they formed a plan, when they would try to take the criminals one by one.

It was just an ordinary house at the outskirts. The whole neighborhood was peaceful and unaware of horrors currently happening in one of the houses. Well maintained, clean area, small streets and wide sidewalks, a playground nearby. With a shining sun and birds singing cheerfully it looked like a suburban dream. It was really weird, that nobody had heard anything, but on the other hand it was the kind of neighborhood where the residents would leave their homes in the morning for work and come back in the evening.

“It just really creeps me out, this place,” Tony started wondering. “It looks perfect and beautiful, but no one has any idea what neighbors are doing.”

“Do you know what our neighbors are doing, Tony?”

“I have FRIDAY monitoring for any suspicious activity in the nearby buildings.”

“You're a stalker.”

Tony chuckled as he watched people getting to their cars and leaving. They had been observing the house since wee hours of morning waiting for the best moments to strike. Right now any action was out of the question. There were too many people on the street and any Avengers action would attract a lot of gawkers.

“One of the kidnappers went out for a smoke, he’s at the back. I think we could take him out without attracting any attention.” Natasha’s voice carried through the comms.

“Do not engage. Neighbors haven’t already left, we can’t risk being seen,” Steve ordered. “Tony, how’s the front of the house looking?”

“The guy with a nose from the house on the left is having a polite conversation with the fat guy from the house in front,” Tony relayed what he could see from his car.

“Guy with a nose?”

“It’s seriously big, trust me.”

“Seriously, you would think that people at 7:30 in the morning would hurry to work and not engage in conversations with neighbors,” Clint complained. Three yelling children came out from one of the houses.

“Oh and now the guy with a nose is packing his children to the car and the fat guy looks like he’s about to go,” Tony updated and relaxed into a seat. He took a sip of a coffee and choked, when someone suddenly knocked on his window.

“Yeah?” He asked, rolling down the window.

“You can’t park your car here!” a middle aged blonde woman started yelling at him. Peter called those ‘Karens’ as he recalled.

“It’s not a no-parking zone,” he replied.

“You cast a shadow on my flowers.” Tony looked at the sad excuses for plants and immediately thought that they need water more than sunlight. Before he could share his idea, comms cracked and he heard Steve saying, “Tony, do not argue with her, we can’t afford her to recognize you. Just drive around the block, maybe she’ll leave.”

Crazy plant lady didn’t leave and Tony was forced to find another observation spot.

Finally, the neighborhood emptied and quietened.

“That guy is smoking in the back again.”

“Okay, the neighbors have left, you can take him out now.”

Tony looked at the stream from the camera Clint had on himself. Natasha and Bucky moved in complete silence. She stepped behind the kidnapper, and with surgical precision pressed a spot on his neck. Bucky immediately caught the man, before he could fall and make a noise. They dragged him into bushes and hid there.

“One out, three to go.”

“Okay, now we wait.”

Couple of minutes later another criminal appeared.

“Clint, go.”

An arrow soundlessly flew through the air and hit him in the shoulder. Bucky appeared and again caught and dragged the guy into bushes, where Natasha was keeping an eye on the first one.

“He’s out. Two more to go.”

“Attention guys, the remaining two kidnappers moved from the basement to the kitchen.”

“Uh-uh, people on the street,” Tony warned. “Someone with a kid, I think. I can’t see clearly.”

Two NYPD officers in civilian clothes appeared and herded the newcomers to where they came from.

“Okay, all clear now.”

“Good. Nat and Bucky, you are guarding the back door and kitchen window, Tony and me from the front. Clint stays watching those two taken out guys, Sam, survey the area from the air. Bruce, move the ambulance here.”

Tony got out of the car and went to the front door, where he met Steve. He activated the nano gauntlet and leaned on the door. Steve looked around while the lasers from the gauntlet were destroying the lock.

“Okay, the door is unlocked, we’re going in.”

“Copy that.” i

Tony pushed the door and let Steve in first. He activated his whole suit and immediately followed the man. They were in a hallway that opened at the end to the living room, connected to the kitchen. On the right there were the stairs. They moved quietly toward s the living room. Tony gestured to Steve that he wants to enter first and stun both remaining criminals with his gauntlets. Steve nodded. Tony smoothly went to the room and fired at the unsuspecting kidnappers. He hit one of them, standing by the counter, but instead of the other he hit the cupboard full of tableware. The cupboard like in slow motion fell on a criminal, emitting an ear-splitting noise of breaking glass. Cracking and clanking reverberated through the room for what I seemed like an eternity. It made both men stop and just watch in shock what was happening. Steve regained his bearings quicker and ran towards the man buried under the glass and porcelain.

“He’s dead.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, his brain is on the floor.”

Tony didn’t wait for more. He retracted the suit and ran towards the basement.

“May, May?! Oh, shit…”

May was slumped in the chair, which she was tied to. Her face was covered in dried blood and bruises.

“Hey, May, wake up,” Tony said while looking for a pulse. He jabbed his fingers to her neck and prayed quietly. Fortunately, he felt slow beats.

“Get a medic here ASAP, she has a pulse, but it looks really bad!” he shouted at the comms. “Hey, wake up, Peter’s waiting for you.”

This seemed to do the trick.

“Pet’r?” she slurred.

“Yeah, he really misses you. And Happy’s okay.”

“Mmm…”

After that everything went rapidly . Suddenly the place was swarmed by medics and NYPD officers. Tony was pushed back as they put a collar around May’s neck and an oxygen mask on her face. She was placed on a stretcher and pushed into an ambulance that left soon.

“Jesus.” Tony slumped against a car and slid down, so he was sitting on asphalt. After the stress of the past few days left him, he felt exhausted. “I need a coffee.”

“You need a sleep.” Steve materialized from nowhere.

“Everyone needs that. I need to talk to Peter, Happy and Cho.”

“ The NYPD wants us to stay here. But… Maybe nobody will notice your absence.”

“Steve Rogers, goody two shoes, encouraging me not to cooperate with law enforcement? How can I refuse?”

“Drive safe, Tony.”

“I will.”

Tony got into a car and started the engine. He drank the rest of the now cold coffee and started driving in direction of the Tower. There were still a lot of things to do.

~~~

Couple of days later Happy was allowed to leave med bay on condition that he will have plenty of rest. May was cleared by Cho the day before that as the biggest issue was concussion. Steve and Bucky were preparing a big dinner since everyone finally could participate and even Rhodey managed to leave DC and was joining them. They were very secretive about the chosen dishes and had forbidden everyone from even getting near the kitchen. Tony honestly just hoped that they wouldn’t set the building on fire. He holed up in the workshop.

The elevator ding announced somebody’s arrival. Tony turned and saw Peter lingering on a doorstep.

“Hey, what are you doing there? Come here.”

Peter looked at the floor, shuffled towards the workbench and stood there awkwardly. Tony got up and approached him.

“Did you forget that you usually sit here?”

Peter sat down and started playing with the hem of his shirt.

“Okay, what’s going on?”

“Before… Before all this, you said that you need to talk to me.”

Honestly Tony hoped that Peter forgot his attempt at the serious conversation.

“You were weird that day and then, you know what happened, and you were nice, but not there, and then again weird.”

Tony cleared his throat and said slowly, “I’m sorry that you felt that way. I spent most of the time with the team, because I thought that finding May was what you needed the most.”

“I mean, it was. I just felt lonely. Happy was on strong pain meds and Pepper is nice, but…”

“Yeah, I get it, I’m really sorry. And for being weird. Happy told me that I spend a lot of time with you and butt in your time with others and I started questioning how you are feeling about this.”

Peter suddenly moved and wrapped his arms around Tony and with a muffled voice said, “I don’t mind, seriously.”

“I know now.” After a moment he added, “You know, I just don’t want to replace anyone.”

“You’re not. You are just Tony, not Happy, or May, or...”

“Just Tony, huh?” Wow, where did the hero worship go?

“Titles don't matter, only that you care.”

I care so much , he wanted to say. I want you to be safe, I want to see you grow and learn. Instead he just said, “I do.” Peter didn’t respond. Tony broke the silence, “You know I’m not good at emotions. Happy called me an emotionally stunted idiot.”

“I know.”

“You little shit. You were supposed to say, ‘You handled this very well, you are great!'” Tony broke a hug and ruffled his hair. Peter beamed at him

“Miss Potts asks if Peter got lost in the workshop and if she has to come and get you to the dinner,” FRIDAY interrupted them.

“Wait, you were supposed to tell me the dinner is ready?”

“Maybe.” Peter smiled sheepishly.

“You really are a little shit. Come on. I’m starving.”

When they got to the kitchen everyone was waiting for them. Pepper, with crossed arms, scolded Tony, “What did you do in that workshop of yours? Everyone was waiting for you and it’s extremely disrespectful to Steve and Bucky!”

“I’m really sorry, Pep, but we needed to have a conversation. And someone-” he looked sternly at Peter- “didn’t tell me that dinner was ready.”

“I’m sorry, really, it just happened,” Peter frantically started explaining himself. Something in Pepper’s face softened.

“I guess it’s fine, you two really needed it, but next time maybe find a better moment, okay?”

“Okay, okay!”

They finally sat down at the table. Steve and Bucky really put a lot of effort into the meal. The main course was salmon with asparagus. They also prepared garlic bread and a salad as side dishes. They even chose the right wine for a fish, but Tony suspected Natasha’s or Pepper’s help here. Conversation flew freely and they made their way to the dessert, in an amiable atmosphere. Pepper started conversing with May, which brought his attention.

“You know, maybe you could move to the Tower.”

“I don’t know really…”

“Peter and Happy spend most of their time here anyway and you too were here a lot, even before.”

“Plus, you know, Happy already has an assigned private floor, so it’s mostly a question of packing and moving stuff from your apartment,” Tony joined them. “And you would have the help of superhumans and Pepper Potts to plan everything.”

“Oh, the last thing makes the best argument. How’s wedding planning going anyway?”

“Well, it would go better if Tony listened to me. We have a cake tasting scheduled next week.”

“You know, we could just take Peter, feed him cakes and ask him which one he likes best. It would be faster. I swear his stomach has no bottom.”

“What?” Peter turned towards them at the sound of his name.

“Only if you are dealing with his sugar high, Tony,” May chuckled

“Hey, guys, I can hear you!”

Before they could continue they heard Steve clearing his throat. He got up and looked like he was about to give a speech.

“Last week was very hard for all of us,” he started. “We are very pleased that everyone important is able to be here. Me and Bucky have some important news to share and we are glad that you are the first to hear that. Without further ado, we decided to get married.”

Cheers and questions erupted immediately. Everyone congratulated and the toasts started.

Tony looked at the large table. Maybe titles didn’t matter. But the only thing that he could think was that after all these years, they became a family somewhere along the way. Big, loud and unconventional, a patchwork family, that wouldn’t make sense to a stranger. There were still a lot of issues that needed to be solved in the long run, but at that moment they were the happiest people on Earth.

#fanfiction #mcu fanfiction #marvel #spiderman #may parker #peter parker #happy hogan #tony stark #iron dad #the avengers

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angelanimedesaray · 5 years ago

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Through The Looking Glass Chapter 3: Confirmation

AN: Sorry for the delay, I got side tracked...wait for it...writing down all my ideas for future parts of this story. There’s a lot guys, like....a lot. Sooo this chapter is a bit more focused on Reader’s backstory (As will the next chapter or two be) cause we gotta get that in there before things pick up. You’ve got a while of childhood fluff before things start to happen, though there will be some serious stuff going on, as this chapter will let you know. The Masterlist (A link to which can be found below) also has a link to this story on AO3, and a link to my playlist for this story, if you’re interested. Also, since the post wasn’t seen much, I want to mention now: this story may be all fluffy and happy NOW, but I want you to be aware that there will be MATURE and sometimes DARK themes in future parts of this story...this is AOT we’re talking about, it’s not gonna be happy all the time. If you have concerns about what some of these themes/topics may be, my messages are open to answer questions or concerns. We’ve still got...a little while before we reach those parts of the story, but I wanted to get the warning out now, while the story is still young.

Characters: Levi, Reader, Unnamed OCs, Reader’s Mother (Mentioned/offscreen), Kenny

Pairing: (Eventual) Levi x Reader

Warnings: Mentions of/Suggested Bullying, Minor Injury, Bullying, Language

Word Count: 6459

<---Previous Chapter Masterlist Next Chapter--->

(A couple years later)

*Reader’s POV*

Your pinky still hurt from where Sam had twisted it, but you chewed on your bottom lip and tried to ignore the ache, reminding yourself never to let them sit next to you on the bus again. ‘I’m your friend’ they said, ‘I’ll be nice to you’ they said, ‘I’ll also hurt you to make you agree with me.’

Some friend.

Your feet planted firmly on the sidewalk, the last one on this bus stop to get off--something you always made sure of--before kicking at a stray rock. Your house was across the street and right down the road, which was why your parents weren’t too worried about letting you walk from the bus stop back home by yourself. The bus stop was close enough to the house they could see when it arrived--maybe they could even spot your brightly colored backpack if they squinted.

The bus started to pull away with a hiss, so you turned around, waiting for the bus to pull away and looking both ways for any more cars as you hurried across the street where the small local playground was. Your head didn’t stop looking left to right until your foot planted firmly on the sidewalk, looking straight ahead and across the playground.

Where initially there hadn’t been anyone still lingering around the park, you could now see that on the other side there was a boy about your age and wearing a brown jacket, black shirt, tan pants. He was on the skinny side, pale, black hair dangling just past his ears, a little dirty, like he’d been running around outside for quite some time. And he was familiar. He looked a little like...like…

A slender hand was raised to shield his eyes from the sun as he staggered back a step or two, looking around in confusion before his faded--but brighter than last time--blue eyes turned towards you.

*Levi’s POV*

For the second time in his life, Levi found himself abruptly blinded by a light brighter than anything in the Underground, cringing away as he reeled from the suddenness of it all, trying to get his bearings. The stench of the Underground was also abruptly missing, replaced by the scent of...of fresh air. Like in that dream so long ago…

A slight breeze ruffled his hair as his eyes gradually adjusted to the light, though he was still squinting against it as he started to look around and take in his surroundings. It could have been the sparse fenced in park that drew his attention first, or the person on the other side of the park that was staring at him, but instead it was the moving yellow long horseless carriage thing that drew his attention. His eyes went wide as he watched it turn a corner and continue on with a loud hum, nothing visibly pulling it and yet it still moved, shapes of people inside moving rapidly behind a line of windows that weren’t warped in the slightest. It was like a larger, moving version of the strange horseless carriages he’s seen in that hallucination when he was starving.

The dream...the surface...the girl…

The sky above him was open, stretching in an endless blue with wisps of clouds floating lazily by. Some kind of bird was so high up in the air he couldn’t even see it moving its wings, like it was gliding forward on winds so strong and high above the earth it didn’t need to beat its wings to fly through the air. Most of the grass was the luscious green he remembered with a few patches a pale brown, and the large brown stone bordering the paved black street was cracked and covered in rock and dirt, in some places upended and poking up into the air. Wooden houses of a variety of colors and conditions lined the streets, more of the horseless carriages much smaller than the yellow one that had just passed were stopped in varying spots near the houses, and a few kids were walking in different directions, probably headed to their homes. One in particular, however, was standing just across the small fenced in park from Levi, wide-eyed gaze locked on him, and when he finally looked at her, the recognition was nearly instant.

She was taller than last time, her hair a little longer, features more defined, but she didn’t look that much different from the last time he’d seen her. Not as different as Levi looked, no longer the skin and bones he’d been when he first saw her now that he wasn’t about to die from starvation, and having grown a little himself. If he’d already gotten that haircut he was thinking about, it might be even harder for her to recognize him. Still, she was staring at him rather openly, but it wasn’t until their eyes met that the recognition sparked in her eyes.

As she started to walk towards him, Levi’s hand clenched into a fist, the pain from his fingernails digging into his palms telling him that no, this wasn’t a dream, this was very much real. So...so it had all been real, then? This wasn’t just another hallucination, he was really on the surface? Last time he’d been about to die, so it made sense for him to have suddenly drifted off or hallucinated being somewhere better, but now, he didn’t have an excuse to be drifting off. He’d been completely alert, watching Kenny as he showed Levi where to aim and how to slice through a man larger than him. But how had he ended up here so fast?

Y/N came to a stop in front of him, head down and not quite looking at him, kicking at the ground. "Hi," she mumbled, surprisingly lackluster compared to her entire presence the last time he'd seen her.

"Hey," he responded almost reflexively, not entirely sure what had caused the switch in attitude. Had she found out where he was from? Was he about to get kicked back below ground and told he wasn't supposed to taint someone's daughter with his presence? The longer the awkward silence stretched between them, the more he tensed, waiting for some kind of rejection. Finally, he saw her lower lip tremble, her eyes squeezing shut as she turned her head back up, and he braced for the inevitable.

"Why'd you leave without saying goodbye?" she suddenly blurted out, hands tight around the straps of the colorful pack slung over her back.

Wait...

This wasn't about where he was from, but about...not saying goodbye before disappearing?

She suddenly looked so small in front of him, retreating into herself in a cringe like she was embarrassed by her outburst but still wanted an answer, looking away again with that slight tremble to her lip like she was liable to start crying.

"I-I--" He didn't know what to say. She was obviously hurt, but he didn't mean to leave so suddenly. He'd wanted to stay, and he didn't know what had happened either. But he didn't want her thinking he'd ditched her after she'd been so kind to him.

"I didn't mean to," he started hesitantly. "I don't know what happened. I just woke up back...home."

That seemed to pacify her, though she still seemed gloomy. "Well...I need to get home…" she said slowly, looking down the street behind him. "D'you want to come?"

Levi gave a small nod in answer. Where else was he going to go? He didn't know anyone on the surface besides her, and he didn't know how to get back to the Underground and Kenny. Not that he was in a rush to go back. To Kenny, yes, probably, but the Underground? Not really.

Y/N brightened when he agreed to come with her, already starting to regain a skip in her step again as she took charge, leading him away from the park and down the cracked stone path. As she led the way, she started to talk much like when he first met her, chatting aimlessly about whatever seemed to come to mind. He was informed about things as trivial as a budding rock collection and her favorite rocks in it, her favorite school subjects being history and math, her family considering getting a pet…

Every now and then she’d turned to look at him, though he couldn’t decide if it was to make sure he was actually paying attention or she was trying to give him a chance to speak up. He didn’t say anything, though. Talking about learning how to gut a man three times or more his size and how to properly use a knife seemed out of place with the kind of stuff she was talking about, so he opted for silence and simply listened to her talk.

“I also started taking piano lessons,” she was currently saying cheerfully, having slowed her walk slightly so that Levi could come even with her instead of trailing behind her. “There’s...a lot, and its hard to stretch my fingers to get all the keys since my hands are so small right now...but I can play both parts of Chopsticks, and Mary Had A Little Lamb, and Hot Cross Buns--easy things like that. I’ve already found some other piano songs I want to learn to play when I’m good enough, but those are going to take forever to figure out--there’s so many notes and symbols I don’t even recognize yet...But I’m gonna learn to do it! I’ll even learn to play Fur Elise first--I already hear it all the time cause it’s the lullaby on my music--”

Two other boys suddenly blew past both of them, similar but less colorful packs on their backs, and even though they rushed right past Levi and Y/N, he managed to get a glimpse of smug smiles on their faces. As they pushed by, the both shoved Y/N to the ground, hard enough that she skidded forward, blood suddenly starting to trickle along her arms, palms, and two small stains starting to blossom on her knees. She’d gone down with a sharp cry as she connected with the ground, but both of them still heard the insults as they brushed by.

“Move it, buttface!”

“Stupid retard.”

Levi wasn’t impressed. They didn’t even have the balls to use ass instead of butt. It was more the fact they’d pushed her hard enough to the ground she was bleeding up and down her arms and on her knees in the dirt, tears pricking in her eyes, that got a rise out of him. Eyes flashing, Levi went from taking in Y/N’s state to whipping around to fix the two boys with a glare.

“Hey! Assholes! Say sorry, now!” Levi snapped, knowing the use of the scary bad word by the tiny, dirty kid who’d been next to her would get their attention. One of the things Kenny had taught him was that he had to show his strength was greater than others to be on top, and even though these two boys looked a little taller and a little older than Levi, they were surface dwellers whose eyes went wide at a simple word. Then they looked down at him with those same smug smiles as when they’d pushed Y/N to the ground, overconfident and arrogant. They were idiots who needed to be pushed back so they realized they weren’t the big bad tough guys they seemed to think they were. It wasn’t going to take much to scare them off--Levi’d already been thrown into scuffles over food with scarier, far more threatening people by now. These two were just bullies who’d pushed the wrong person.

“Make me, short stack.”

“Must be a pathetic loser to be hanging around her.”

One of them moved to push Levi backwards and into the ground, but Levi was faster, turning aside, grabbing their arm, and pulling them in his direction, throwing the other boy off balance and sending him sprawling face-first into the ground.

“Hey!” the other protested, lunging blindly at Levi like he was going to try tackling him or pinning him down. Levi tucked low and barreled into him, knocking the second boy backwards and onto the ground.

And that’s all it took. With Levi easily knocking them both to the ground and standing over them with a look in his eyes that said he was ready to lay them out again if they tried him, they both skidded back from him and scrambled to their feet, the one who’d face planted after trying to push Levi sporting scrapes on his chin and palms.

“Apologize,” Levi repeated firmly before they could scurry away.

“S-sorry,” the scraped one said.

“Not me, her,” Levi snapped out, making the other kid wince as he looked at Y/N behind Levi and stuttered out the same weak apology.

“Yeah, what he said,” the other said, already pulling on his friend’s arm. “C’mon, let’s go.”

And just like that, they were gone.

“Tch.” After they’d disappeared down a side street, Levi turned back to Y/N, who had already stood up on her own, a little shake in her hands, knees noticeably kept bent with darker stains on her pants, but no sign of the tears in her eyes anymore, since she was using her shoulder to wipe away any that remained. “Are you--”

“I’m okay,” she said a little too quickly, rubbing almost angrily at her eyes and holding her hands out in front of her. “I just need to get home.”

Levi watched her closely as she hobbled forwards, steps ginger and her posture telling him she was trying to keep from bending her knees, the scrapes probably raw and painful when the skin stretched. When she came within arm’s reach of Levi, he gently grasped her arm to see how bad the cuts and scrapes were. Her elbows had beads of blood breaking past the cracked-looking skin, a fairly shallow cut down her arm seemed to have only bled a little before settling for looking angry, and her palms were a mess of cuts and blood and little rocks digging into her palms. Dirt and rock dust coated all of them.

She gently pulled her arms out of his grip once he was done looking, still mindful not to brush up against anything. “I just need to wash up when we get to my house, I’ll be okay,” she assured him again, though her tone was more convincing this time, continuing her tentative walk forward while picking the tiny rocks out from where they were embedded in her palms

It was almost like she was used to this kind of thing...not at all something he would have expected from the girl who’d taken care of him a few years ago. Especially as she turned back around and flashed him another big smile, as if she wasn’t walking with blood up and down her arms and staining her pants, afraid to bend at the elbows and knees and make the scrapes and cuts hurt more.

“I can splash you with the water from the hose while I’m at it--you seemed to like it last time,” she said mischievously.

“Don’t,” he said bluntly. He only had the one set of clothes right now, and there was a breeze this time that was a little chilly--it’d probably get worse if he ended up soaking wet. Last time it had been warm and they’d been outside for a long time, and he’d been dirty, this time, he’d rather avoid getting wet.

She pouted at him. “Aw, but it could be fun!”

“No.”

“Pft...Buzzkill.”

Ignoring the teasing jab, Levi looked ahead, able to see the faintly familiar house but only partially confident it was the right house considering he’d only seen it briefly twice from the front when he’d been here last. And at the time, he’d been looking up more than he’d been looking around. He had to slow his pace so Y/N wouldn’t fall behind with her tentative waddle, keeping an eye on her the rest of the way. The entire time, she continued to work her way up to her usual chatter, as if the entire confrontation with the other boys had never happened. And because he wasn’t convinced that she was all right, he continued to watch her closely, even if she seemed okay, besides the obvious.

“C’mon, the hose is in the back, and I want to wash up, first. Better not get Mom’s furniture all bloody or she’ll have a fit,” she said when Levi hesitated by the door, continuing to waddle right past him and disappear around the side of the house. Levi followed after her, turning the corner in time to see her lift the handle on a water spout that had a long green tube coiled around it, the end of the tube in one of her bloodied hands with water spouting in a steady stream out of the tube and onto her other hand. By the time Levi came to stand next to her, she’d already tentatively washed her left hand, arm, and elbow of dirt and blood and was starting on the other.

“Ow, ow, ow,” he heard her chanting softly under her breath as she had to scrub a little to get some of the dirt out of the minor injuries, a muscle in her jaw twitching. She lowered the handle of the pump when she was done with her arms, the water flow ceasing as she crouched down and started to take off her shoes and socks. She handed the limp green tube over to Levi without a word, still crouching and starting to roll up her pant legs once her hands were free. When she finally rolled both pant legs past her knees to reveal the knees that were still scraped up enough to soak blood through her pant legs, but not as badly as her palms had been, she took the hose back and repeated the process.

Levi stayed quiet the entire time, watching her wash away the dirt and blood with the softest hiss of pain here and there, trying not to think about how much water she was using to clean up and how she’d save the majority of what she was using if she just used a little in a bowl and a rag instead.

Finally, she turned the pump off again and re-coiled the green tube, putting her socks and shoes back on but leaving her pant legs rolled up past her knees. “There--it stings a little, but it’s fine, now,” she said brightly, shaking her hands and sending water droplets everywhere. She did move a little faster now as she brushed past him again to head for the front door, even grabbing his wrist--lightly--to pull him along just as avidly as the first time he’d been here. Except this time he was able to easily keep up and wasn’t being dragged around like a sack of wheat.

She got all the way to the front door, stretched her hand out to open it, and paused. The scrapes of her palm were facing her, fingers suddenly curling inwards as her hand hovered just shy of the doorknob, pulled back a few inches…

Her hand snapped out and she opened the door without any hesitation, but instead of going inside like she’d said they would, she simply stuck her head in the door. “Mom! I’m gonna go play at the park with a friend!” she hollered.

“Do you have homework?” came the slightly faded reply.

“Nope! Can I go?”

“I want you back before dinner! Do you have your watch?”

Y/N sagged and sighed dramatically, as if her mother had just asked her to redecorate the entire neighborhood in an hour. “I’ll get it.”

She shrugged off her colorful pack, looking back at Levi. “Wait here, I just have to run up to my room,” she said, throwing the pack on the ground by the door and disappearing inside.

Levi stepped away from the door, taking a moment to let his gaze wander across the sights of the surface again while he waited. The grass didn’t seem as healthy as the last time he was here, but perhaps that was because it was closer to the turn in seasons this time. The trees still stretched high above him with sunlight filtering through, the sky still that vast expanse of blue with a few more clouds drifting lazily by than last time. The air was still fresh and clear, free of the scent of decay, waste, sweat, rot--the general stench of the Underground he’d grown so used to he wouldn’t know there was any other kind of natural smell if it hadn’t been for these strange trips to the surface.

Levi’s gaze flickered back to the door handle, her hesitant, scratched up hand still hovering just in front of it in his mind’s eye. Did she change her mind about going inside the house because she didn’t want her mom to see she was hurt? It had looked like the sight of her scraped up palms reaching for the door had been what made her hesitate…

The door banged open as the object of his current train of thought burst back outside with that same wild, energetic look as when she’d bustled between the main house and the mini house making what could only be described as a nest for him last time.

“I have my watch, let’s go, let’s go!” she said impatiently, stumbling past him and waving for him to follow as she started back the way they had just walked from. She ran like she wasn't hurt, like none of it had ever happened even if the evidence was clear as day on her arms and legs. She just kept...running forward, no hesitation.

*Reader's POV*

Your knees hurt, your hands hurt, your arms all the way up to your elbows hurt, but none of that mattered. Levi was back, running right behind you as you led the charge forward towards the playground. He didn't look nearly as sickly as he had last time, either--he was moving just fine on his own, though he was still thin, pale, and still looked unkempt. His neck wasn’t craning in every direction to see every and anything this time, though his eyes still roamed over his surroundings constantly. But none of that was at the front of your mind at the moment--right now you were only thinking of how if he was feeling better, if he wasn’t fragile like last time, he could play, really play, this time. You had a friend, if he was able to stay this time.

You skipped to a stop once you were back at the playground, turning around and spreading your arms wide. “What do you want to do first? Merry-Go-Round? See-saw? Jungle gym? Slide? Swings?” you asked excitedly, pointing to each one in turn. Levi looked hesitant, eyes sliding past the swings, slide, and see-saw in disinterest and instead gazing at the jungle gym and merry-go-round curiously. You weren’t that great at the jungle gym and its attached monkey bars, especially with your hands hurting like they did right now, so you jumped at the opportunity to pull Levi forward again when his eyes lingered on the merry-go-round. “Let’s do the merry-go-round--I’ll push!”

Since he looked so tiny, even if he had tackled the older boy to the ground earlier, you figured you should probably be the one to push. Besides, you were a decent pusher for the merry-go-round, and it would be easy with only one person sitting on it--plus, you would only have to use your hands for a little while instead of having to hold on and climb on the jungle gym dome and monkey bars.

Levi started to sit on the edge, but you gently nudged him towards the center, your other hand already grabbing one of the handles. “No, no, get inside the bars, I don’t want you flying off,” you chided him, his eyes widening slightly at your words as he climbed inside and held onto the closest metal bars with both hands. You smiled cheerfully at him. “Better! Hold on!”

You were slow at first, of course, well aware of how anti climatic it must have seemed, before the merry-go-round started to push easier as it went faster...and faster...and faster…

When you felt yourself start to stretch as the merry-go-round pulled ahead of you, you let go and stepped back, pushing the handles forward as they spun by, rather proud of your merry-go-round pushing work as you kept it going. You’d kept your head down while you pushed, but now that you were looking up you could see Levi clutching the bars tightly with his head down, feet slowly starting to peek past the outer bar as he started to slide out. Not wanting him to get flung off the merry-go-round with how tiny he looked, knowing it would hurt, you suddenly reached out and grabbed the merry-go-round when his knees slipped past the outer bar, digging in your heels to force the merry-go-round to a stop. As soon as the merry-go-round slowed down enough so he wasn’t being pulled out anymore, Levi pulled himself back up, already climbing back over the bar and down from the merry-go-round when you had almost brought it to a halt. He looked a little green…

“Not fun,” he said with a small grimace. You gave him a sheepish smile.

“Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have made it go so fast. Guess I’m actually pretty strong!” you said, puffing your chest out and striking a strongman pose. Levi grumbled something unintelligible, and your bravado flickered, the sheepishness returning. “Sorry...the jungle gym doesn’t spin, though, you just climb on it,” you tried to amend.

Skipping over to the dome of metal bars with monkey bars attached that branched over to the small, wooden castle slide structure, you chose to only climb the first two rungs as a demonstration, that way you were more walking on a sloped surface than climbing with your hands. This one he didn’t hesitate with once he was told what it was for, climbing on, through, and around the bars like it was nothing, even climbing to the top of the dome and hanging upside-down with his legs holding him up. Something you could surely try on a better day, but not something you wanted to test today. Instead of joining him crawling all over the jungle gym, you hopped off of your pedestal and slipped over to the swings a few paces away, opting for the normal swing instead of the tire one. You could feel Levi’s eyes on you as you took a seat, with his arm currently hooked around one bar while one of his legs hooked around another. It was like he was expending some pent up energy, crawling all over the bars.

As always, you were slow to start on the swing on your own, not yet big enough for your feet to touch the ground enough to kick off yourself and get you started. You had to swing your legs back and forth and rock to build up the momentum, a brief burn in your knees causing you to regret it for a few moments before you finally started to swing. Higher and higher you went back and forth, a huge grin on your face, Levi’s eyes on you, and pride swelling at how high you could swing. You could go high enough the chain would start to slack while you were high up in the air, causing a jarring rattling sound as you swung back towards the ground again. When the slacking chain increased enough to make your heart pound faster with thoughts of the swing going high enough to go full circle, you counted down in your head from three...two...one…

High enough you felt like you were flying, but not so high that you’d get caught in the swing, you let go and let yourself propel forward without the swing, a shout of alarm somewhere below you before you felt your feet connect with the ground and your crouching legs were jarred by the impact of your landing.

With a victorious whoop, you pumped your fist in the air, turning to grin at a wide eyed Levi that had gone from crawling in and around the jungle gym to outside of it and two steps closer to where you were in the short time it took for you to jump from the swing.

“And she sticks the landing!” you crowed, wiggling in what was supposed to be a dance but honestly probably looked more like flailing. Your heart was still pounding in your ears from excitement at the brief sensation of flying, proud that you’d not only successfully jumped off the swing and landed on your feet, but also that you’d gotten such a reaction from Levi. “Tada! Whaddya think?”

Levi huffed and looked away, looking like he was about to sulk. “Is there something else we can do?”

A little put out by his request and refusal to comment, you suppressed a sigh and deflated slightly, looking around at the other playground equipment. You wanted to do something with him that he might enjoy, but you couldn’t climb right now like he could…

His attention returned to you as you brightened once more. “Let’s play a game!”

He looked at you blankly for a second before tentatively asking, “Like hide and seek?”

“Well, like it, yeah, but not hide and seek--there’s not really anywhere to hide. We can play tag!” Levi simply gave you a blank look. Your enthusiasm was momentarily tampered by hesitation when he didn’t immediately react with recognition. “You...haven’t played tag before?”

Levi shook his head, and for a moment, you were stunned. How did any child on Earth who had ever been around another kid not know how to play tag? Then again...the last time you’d seen him, he hadn’t known what hide and seek was, and that was a game you’d played with your parents long before you ran into other kids. Though usually it was more a game of peek-a-boo then tag…

You shook away the idle thoughts and the surprise, the determination from when you’d learned he hadn’t played hide and seek before returning once more. “That’s all right, I can teach you!” you said confidently.

Levi seemed interested after you explained the rules--which didn’t take long since it was such a simple game--and was even willing to be it first. You let him, feeling rather confident in your ability to run and avoid with all the practice running and evading you got day after day at school.

But even with how fast you were, you weren’t prepared for how fast Levi was. He looked tiny and frail, but as he demonstrated earlier, that wasn’t the case. You’d hardly taken three steps before you felt his hand on your back and he darted away. You could have just attributed it to the fact that you’d started so close together, or that you hadn’t had the chance to really run yet, but as you started to chase after him, it became painfully obvious that he was much, much faster than you. And really good and dodging things, too, if the way he weaved around the equipment counted. When you finally rounded the corner of the castle slide and your fingers managed to breeze across his arm, you were suspicious he might have let it happen, not entirely confident that you’d actually managed to catch up to him or catch him off guard. Not that you had much time to think about it before you were off like a shot again, this time knowing that you were going to have to do more than simply run. You tried climbing, jumping, zig-zagging--you even slid under the monkey bars and far more clumsily tried to launch yourself through one of the holes to avoid him. All to no avail--you still felt his hand on your arm this time, turning just in time to see him racing back towards the merry-go-round. With a huff, you gave chase all over again.

It was a little frustrating playing tag with one other person who was much faster than you--it wasn’t like you could go after a slower target. But at the same time, it was fun. It made it all the more exhilarating when you managed to tag him, and you thought it was fun trying to think of crazier and crazier ways to avoid him on the playground equipment. Your hurt knees and arms were forgotten as you tried to run across the merry-go-round (that had ended miserably) and run up the slide (He’d had better traction with his speed and it actually slowed you down and made it easier for him to tag you), your most successful attempt to avoid his tag having been the few minutes you’d climbed onto the monkey bars and pulled yourself up with your hands clutching one bar and your legs resting on the next, keeping yourself out of Levi’s reach...until he climbed on the monkey bars as well and you had to jump and run all over again.

And you saw him smiling.

His hair kept getting in his face, both of you were eventually red and sweaty, and sometimes you only caught glimpses of each other, but you saw it, even more clearly than when you two had splashed each other with water last time. His eyes were bright, and not just because the sunlight was bringing out the blue in his eyes. You even heard him laugh a few times when he managed to just barely evade your hand more than once and you made a sound of frustration, his breathless, quiet laugh urging you to try again. Occasionally he’d smirk at you over his shoulder as he ran off again after tagging you. He was having fun, you both were, which is why you didn’t stop until he was panting and you were wheezing, dropping down into the grass like a stone in a lake and starfishing on the ground when your legs refused to run anymore. Levi simply sat down next to you, he didn’t flop, both of you taking a moment to catch your breath.

“I’m happy...you came back...Levi” you managed to say around your wheezing breaths, throat dry, chest burning, and limbs too tired to even try and sit up.

“Me too.”

You thought back to what he said, how he didn’t know what happened last time, how he’d just woken up and he’d been back home. If he didn’t know when he’d have to leave again…

“You’ll have to...go back, though...right?”

Levi was quiet for a moment besides his breathing, which was slowly starting to even out. “Yeah.”

“Promise...you’ll come back again?” you asked, trying to sit up and look at him. Levi hesitated, eyes flickering away and down towards the ground, like he expected it to open up and swallow him like some kind of monster. “C’mon, you came back this time! You can...come back again,” you said firmly, uncaring if you sounded bossy.

Levi nodded slowly, though he still seemed unsure. “All right.”

You held out your hand, every finger curled into a fist except your pinky, which was stretched out towards him. “Pinky promise?”

Levi stared at your hand, giving you that increasingly familiar look that he had no idea what you were talking about. Rolling your eyes, you reached out and took his hand with your other one, making it into a mirror image of yours and hooking your pinkies together, giving his pinky a tight squeeze.

“There, you can’t break a pinky promise, or you’ll die!” you said in a tone more suited to a summer campfire scary story. Levi narrowed his eyes and snorted, and you released his pinky with a small smile. “Okay, you won’t die, but it’s still serious! Super serious! You can’t break it!”

“I won’t,” Levi said, his voice back to its usual quiet tone, though he was still red and sweaty, which gave away how tired he actually was.

You got back to your feet, Levi following your lead as usual, falling into place behind you as you started to cross the playground. “C’mon, I’m tired--we can get something to drink at my house. This time you can meet my mom, so she doesn’t think you’re an imaginary fr--”

You looked over your shoulder to give him a smile at the laughable fact your mother thought he wasn’t real, your step and smile both faltering once you saw there was no one behind you. Not a trace.

Levi was gone again. Like he’d never been there to start with.

*Levi POV*

“Hey, Runt, you better still be paying attention.”

Levi was thrown off for a brief moment, re-orienting himself as his world went from bright with warm weather and a cool breeze in fresh air to dark, dim, and full of the stench of the Underground once more. All in the literal blink of an eye. One moment he was in the sunlight with Y/N in front of him, turning to look at him as she spoke, the next, he was gazing in the Underground’s dingy light at Kenny, who stood gazing at him with a sharp, disapproving eye, probably seeing some sort of confusion or distance in his eyes. Now that he thought about it, Kenny had been about to turn around to look at him when he’d suddenly found himself on the surface with Y/N...which meant he’d at least seen what Kenny was showing him...

“I am,” Levi answered almost defensively, straightening up and stepping forward. “I can do it.”

Kenny studied him from head to toe, flipping the knife around to offer it handle first to Levi. “All right, hot shot, if you’re paying such great attention, you’d better be able t’do it on the first try.”

Levi took the knife from him without any hesitation, pushing most of his thoughts about the surface to the back of his mind as he focused on doing the gutting action Kenny’d been showing him before he’d seen Y/N.

The thought that did linger was his promise to go back and see her again.

Next Chapter--->

(Strikethroughs Couldn’t Be tagged)

Levi Tags: @humanitys-hottestsoldier @clary-quinn

Tags: @fanartdom @kaz2y5-pie @tartheyes @super-peace-fangirl @huntersbunker @nefelimalfoy @soft-levi-girl-blog @kissing-violet-wings @regalillegal @sugas-daddy7

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thelaurenshippen · 4 years ago

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so @megfitz89 and I were texting the other week about how “Don’t Blame Me” is such a Damien/Mark song and it reminded me that I had a B-Sides part 2 that I had never shared before!!! so here ya go. notes on my website and under the cut

It is July of 2020 as I write this, annotations for a playlist I haven't touched since 2018. But my friend Meghan and I were talking the other day about how "Don't Blame Me" is a real Damien/Mark song and it reminded me that I had never dusted off this second set of b-sides and shared them with the world.

An explanation of exactly what these songs are can be found in the

B-Sides Part I

but this playlist is even more of a grab bag than the first - songs that clicked years after making the original playlist, songs that got cut from book playlists, songs that belong on playlists that were never made.

As before, the characters are listed above the tracks, with a link to the playlist in question.

AGENT GREEN

1. "Madame Van Damme" - Lightspeed Champion

I can't even quite express what makes this an Agent Green song...it just is. This is particularly surprising because, if you tried to click on his name to get to his playlist you would have noticed you can't! That's because Owen has never had a playlist - he's always been defined by a single song. That song is "A Day in the Life" by The Beatles.

There's something deeply helpless about Owen, especially in the face of Joan and his love for her and this song just...feels like that.

DAMIEN & WADSWORTH

2. "What's My Name" - China Anne McClain

Yes, this is a song from the Disney Channel Original Movie "Descendants 2", what's your point?

Wadsworth is a powerful leader, whose name is feared and revered, like Uma, AND she uses people's names (calling Damien "Robert", Mark "Byron", Sam "Samantha", etc.) against them. Names carry power for her and she wields it like every other tool in her arsenal.

Also this song slaps.

DAMIEN & MARK

3. "Don't Blame Me" - Taylor Swift

I can't really explain why this didn't end up on the original Damien/Mark playlist other than there wasn't a good place for it in the flow. Lyrically it's them, tonally it's them, and it came out before I finished the playlist. There just wasn't a place for it.

If you walk away/I'd beg you on my knees to stay - I mean....this is essentially what happens in Season 4.

4. "Birds of a Feather" - The Civil Wars

Similarly, this didn't end up on their playlist because a Civil Wars song was already on there - "The One That Got Away", which suits them even more perfectly.

She's the sea I'm sinkin' in/he's the ink under my skin/Sometimes I can't tell where I am/Where I leave off and he begins - like a lot of Civil Wars songs, this is such a great description of toxic love and perfectly fits these two.

Even more perfectly is the bridge that references Humpty Dumpty, the same children's rhyme that we referenced in "Together Again", Mark's song in the musical episode.

SAM & MARK

5. "For Once In My Life" - Michael Buble

This is 100% a song from Sam's perspective. It's hopeful and full of wonder at finally, finally being needed. Musically, I just couldn't find a spot for it.

SAM & MARK - Season 4

6. "The Hill" - Marketa Irglova

I actually included this on my annotations for this playlist, because it was a real last minute swap. I'll just copy those notes here.

2017: Oof, this is such a tragic song but so, so beautiful. Again, there’s so much in here about not being perfect and just wanting the other person to help you carry your burden but not knowing how to ask for that. I think this song is a great deal more pessimistic than Sam and Mark’s relationship, but a lot of the lyrics still ring true.

I wish I didn’t have to make all those mistakes and be wise/Please try to patient/and know that I’m still learning/I’m sorry that you have to see/the strength inside me burning

And I’m letting myself down/ by satisfying you/and I wish that you could see/I have my troubles too - they both have their troubles and they’re both letting themselves and each other down by constantly burying those troubles.

CALEB & ADAM

7. "Streetlight" - Danyew

As with the Caleb/Adam songs on the first B-Sides, this song didn't end up on a playlist because no out-of-universe playlist for the two of them really exists. But this is a song that always feels like them to me.

I saw love/deeper than the Pacific - their love is always an ocean.

BOOK PLAYLISTS (as of this writing, neither of the playlists for these songs have been published.)

8. "Paper Planes" - M.I.A.

There's a playlist meant to embody the people that Damien falls in with in Los Angeles in A Neon Darkness and this song fits the vibe of this group of young people getting up to trouble and being on the fringes of society. But, ultimately, it didn't fit into the time period or genre of the book or playlist.

9. "33 "GOD"" - Bon Iver

I have a bunch of different playlists for the yet-to-be-titled Book 3 about the dreamwalker Rose. This song was initially on a playlist of hypnotic tunes that helped me get into the dreamworld headspace. Ultimately, I love this song too deeply, am too enamored by its intricacies and sampling of "Iron Sky" by Paolo Nutini, one of my all-time favorite songs, that it was counter-productive to the repetitive, hypno-state the playlist was intended to achieve.

#the bright sessions #b-sides #playlists #a neon darkness #rose book #books #book playlist #playlist

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linernotesandseasons · 4 years ago

Text

My 20 Favorite Albums of 2020

MY 20 FAVORITE ALBUMS OF 2020

LISTEN HERE!

2020 has been a long year. A year full of unrest, darkness, death, depression, & a global pandemic. In 2020 I turned to these songs & albums for comfort. I gained 20 new favorite works of music that I will hold onto for the rest of my life. I have been making this end of the year favorite albums list since 2012, so this is my ninth annual list! For this year, I talked about where, when, & why I fell in love with the following 20 albums. These are the albums that I used to mark Time & Space this year. These are the albums that I will return to and remember the chaos, calm, & comfort of 2020. I also made a 60 song Spotify playlist with a few songs from each album (two of the albums aren’t available on Spotify) that you can listen along with HERE! Ok, here they are, in no particular order, my 20 favorite albums of 2020!

ANGELICA GARCIA / Cha Cha Palace

Angelica Garcia’s dynamic, groundbreaking sophomore album Cha Cha Palace was released on February 28, 2020 to a pre-COVID America. On that Friday I had dropped off my ballot for a local Colorado election and went to Larimer Lounge and saw Seratones play a sweaty rock show. I had no idea what was coming or what was about to change. Cha Cha Palace bookmarked my next couple weeks of waiting, and the CD lived in my car for quite a few essential-worker-commutes through a shut down, sheltered Denver into the Spring. Fittingly, Angelica Garcia’s bombastic, authentic energy is where we begin my list of my favorite albums of 2020.

If you listen close to Cha Cha Palace, Garcia will tell you a lot about her roots. For starters, she duets with her mother Angelica Maria Garcia on the traditional, vocal swirl of “La Llorona” (”The Weeping Woman” from the 1940′s) and also her grandmother Filomena Garcia with a darker, more foreboding take on “La Enorme Distancia.” Roughly translated “The Enormous Distance” is a Mexican folk song originally by Jose Alfredo Jimenez, the king of Ranchera (Mexican Folk music) in Mexico in the 50′s & 60′s. Garcia proudly weaves her Mexican & Salvadorian roots into all the colorful corners of Cha Cha Palace, but it is on the standout, song of the year contender “It Don’t Hinder Me” where she truly gives you a glimpse into her youth growing up in East LA & then Richmond, VA (Richmond’s Spacebomb Records released Cha Cha Palace!) Over one of the crunchiest, wailing-est electric guitars you’ll find on this list, Garcia lets her vocals flutter & soar as she sings about being a kid; peeling mangos in the kitchen, being yelled at to make your bed, dogs in the street, jaywalking to the corner store with your cousins, peering through a chain-link fence, a backyard party playing “Suavamente,” feeling left out, alone, or alienated. Garcia stands up for the kids in America who look & feel like her, like they don’t belong. With her lyrics and her voice (seriously listen to this album, she can really sing) shutting down haters at every turn “But what they say now - It don’t hinder me! It don’t hurt!” Elsewhere, Garcia uses that powerful, elastic voice to drive the bouncy, laugh out loud funny “Karma the Knife,” the looped, rhythmic “Agua De Rosa,” and personal favorite (another song of the year contender!) “Lucifer Waiting.” Riding a thumping synth line, twinkling keys, a great low-end bass, and her own yells & yelps; Garcia lets her enunciation take the song places. The way she draws out the “Luuuuucifer” and the way she stacks up “waiting in the cooorrrrnnneerrrr.” Cha Cha Palace is a masterpiece and Garcia’s vocals & rhythms will take you on a journey through Mexico, Salvador, & Virginia, before ending up right back in east LA where, as Garcia would put it “In American identity, there is no one face.”

“Born of the bones from under east LA / Cultura Chicana is alive today / I want some freedom with my pan dulce / Been wearing my roots & flying this flag / I see you but you don’t see me / Jicama! Jicama! Guava tree / I’ve been trying to tell you but you just don’t see / Like you I was born in this country...”

ANJIMILE / Giver Taker

I was late to the party on Anjimile, but Giver Taker has been a comforting companion during the last few tumultuous months of 2020 here in Denver. Part of the allure of Anjimile (full name Anjimile Chithambo, but they release music as simply Anjimile-emphasis on the “Jim” please) is that these songs have been growing and being rebuilt & remade for quite some time, much like the maker themselves. Billed as a debut album (out on Father Daughter Records-I went ahead and hit for the cycle, that’s what I call buying the vinyl, CD, AND cassette!) many of the songs on Giver Taker have been around for years, solo versions & demos Anjimile recorded by themselves, found here fleshed out with gorgeous, layered production & instrumentation. Chorally trained, Anjimile’s distinctive voice drives these songs, at times stately & elegant (like in the measured “1978″ and the blooming “Your Tree”), but with the capability to be sultry & charming like on the bouncy, effervescent “Baby No More.” The instruments on Giver Taker are lovely; horns, strings, reeds, banjo, congas, all played by a full cast of collaborators. Much like Angelica Garcia wearing her roots on her own 2020 album (see above!), Anjimile’s roots are found all over Giver Taker. The gorgeous album cover painting has a background of sugarcane plants, native to Malawi (where Anjimile’s family is from) and behind that, the river from “The Lion King” (one of Anjimile’s favorite films!) “Maker” deals with Anjimile’s spirituality, and the idea that, as they put it...

"The realization that just as I could build my own sense of spirituality & build my own faith and relate to a God of my understanding, I could do the same thing with my gender and my sexuality. And that's what I did.”

In “Ndimakukonda” Anjimile sings in their parent’s native Chichewa, and powerful closer “To Meet You There” sticks with you long after the album ends. From a gorgeous finger-picked opening, the stage is set. A hurricane off the coast of Florida, a queer, trans kid searching from Texas to Florida to Boston for the truth. Simple words about the end, or maybe the beginning. Then the song swells with drums & strings & horns and transports you away from any of those states, dancing through clouds & waterfalls, maybe with Zazu & Simba & Nala. Voices swell, singing along with Anjimile, lifting up praise “I celebrate your celebration! I revel in your revelation! I holler in your hallelujah! In plain view your azaleas grew!” an inspiring ending to a truly inspirational & exciting album.

“After death, after life / I was up half the night / Hurricane never came / Not for me, not again...:

AMERICAN AQUARIUM / Lamentations

There is a point about two minutes and 46 seconds into American Aquarium’s dramatic, title track opener “Me & Mine (Lamentations)” that makes me feel something every time I hear it. The song starts simply enough. A finger picked acoustic guitar (maybe it’s his trademark 1968 cherry red Gibson J45?!) and BJ Barham’s trademark North Carolina drawl singing about blue collar hard luck. The farmers, the coal miners, his grandfather, the hard work, but also the Darkness on the Edge of Town, “unpaid bills, broken homes, & opioid addiction.” The true story of the disenfranchised American South. Another sad one from the king of sad songs. But then... He pivots. The same pivot Barham used to change his life from alcoholic, road-worn, burnout, to his current credo of hard work & effort. A glimmer of hope as he growls “You see me & mine we ain’t the kind to sit around, idle & complain!” With that, a minor note rings out and the song plunges headlong into a true anthem. This isn’t your typical folk/country/pop/flannel/americana whatever bullshit. American Aquarium will punch you in the face with songs about the value of hard work and standing up for what you believe in. The last three minutes of “Me & Mine” explode into fuzzed out electric guitar, signifying that Lamentations (their eighth studio album!) is deeper and more meaningful than anything American Aquarium has done before. Songs about fighting to change your bad habits & addictions. Songs about challenging your parents religion and calling out (and maybe internet shaming!) your racist uncle. From the southern Petty-ness of sing-alongs “Before the Dogwood Blooms” and “Starts With You” (one of the songs I sang the loudest to in my car this year) to the expected sad ones, and even a special, dark one named after North Carolina tobacco (”Brightleaf & Burley”) about the socioeconomic impact of the illegalization of marijuana in the South! Throughout Lamentations rings with American influences, but challenges current American values.

This is not a band that I would’ve picked as one of my favorite current bands. It makes sense actually, looking back. I grew up on country radio in western slope Rifle, Colorado. KMTS played Garth, Tim McGraw, Travis Tritt, Toby, Kenny, Dierks, and all my high school friends were gun-shooting, camping, fishing good ol’ boys. Later in college, I fell again for Jason Aldean, Luke Bryan, FGL, etc cuz it was “country.” I always knew that Petty, Springsteen, Fleetwood, & Neil Young were technically better, but it’s hard to deny a good pop-country sing along chorus when you’re four beers deep and riding windows-down on a dirt road. Hell, even Phoebe Bridgers (keep reading-if you didn’t think Punisher would make this list you’re crazy!) sings about singing along to some “America first rap-country song.” (Spoiler alert, she’s talking about how modern country isn’t actually country, and not Lil Nas X. “Old Town Road” rules and i know 100% that Phoebe & BJ & Darius Rucker would agree!). Anyway, back to the American Aquarium mythology. I saw them on a whim, drunk & newly single at the Marquis Theater (holy goddamn do I miss the Marquis and LIVE MUSIC!) back in late Summer 2015. I ordered a Tecate tall boy at the bar (the 24oz kind) and worked my way into a diehard crowd drinking & singing along. Wolves was brand new and BJ opened with “Man I’m Supposed To Be.” I hadn’t been to many small shows like that at that time (been to a couple hundred since!) and I loved how people sang & danced & drank & ACTUALLY SANG! When the Burn. Flicker. Die. songs hit, I was hooked. Over the last five years I’ve had a blast at every AA show and I’ve come to appreciate the value of live, original, independent, rock & roll! I appreciate how BJ encourages us to work hard, get lucky, and GET BETTER! When the time comes (maybe not till we’re all vaccinated and it’s 2022 or whatever) I can’t wait to hear these songs the way American Aquarium intended. I’m going to walk into a dark, sweaty rock&roll club, I’ll order a Mexican beer and a shot of American whiskey, crowd in with people, and I’m gonna sing along to "The Luckier You Get” so fucking loud.

“I was born in the shade of a longleaf pine / The proud southern son of Caroline / Proud of who I am & where I’m from / But I ain’t so proud of how far we’ve come... / Down here we’re still fighting for all the wrong reasons / Old men still defend these monuments to treason / To the right side of history, we’re always late / Still arguing the difference between heritage & hate / The only dream that ain’t worth having / Is the one you won’t chase down / They say sing your songs, boy & shut your mouth / But I believe in a better South...”

AMERICAN TRAPPIST / The Gate

There are two specific moments on The Gate that I especially love. If you’ve followed my yearly favorites list at all, you know that Joe Michelini (who fronts American Trappist & fronted River City Extension) is one of my favorite living songwriters. But after the relative lightheartedness of 2018′s Tentanda Via, 2016′s self-titled, & 2012′s Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Your Anger (miss you River City!) The Gate is a goddamn dark, noisy masterpiece. The guitars are heavier, multiple songs contain 1-3 minute instrumental intros before the vocals enter, and frontman Michelini cuts loose with loud whoops (exclamations? yells? excited moments of pure joy/energy/anger release?!) that are captured perfectly just as the songs hit their respective peaks. The first moment is found on track three, as the laid-back guitar of the backwards-looking “Moses (Revisited)” starts to really pick up. At four-&-a-half minutes, another guitar enters and Michelini starts to quicken his pace. “Have you got something to say?” he asks more urgently, then as the guitars start to really wail “Ask me how I felt, living like I was. My future on the run...” Then he hollers and the guitar explodes into a monstrous solo. Most of the album is contained between that whoop and the next whoop not encountered till track 10. In between, “...Rides Again” recalls River City Extension’s under-appreciated farewell album Deliverance with it’s more uplifting, wandering guitar, and the title track uses a mix of whispery vocals, repetitive falsetto, and an ungodly low baritone to create a vampire-y “Unfresh Dirtwolf” vibe. “Active Recovery” rides a straight forward rock & roll riff and near-spoken-word delivery into a delightfully fuzzy guitar solo. Finally we’ve reached my personal favorite, get on the big train and take a ride with “The Real Thing.” If you’ve paid attention at all, this is a classic American Trappist tune. A repeating, echoing riff, a steady drive, and then three minutes in, the song just jumps the tracks and grows wings. The kind of song that makes me want to be back at live shows. The kind of song that makes me want to be drinking cheap beer at Larimer Lounge, hugging the east wall, sweat & noise & rock & roll, “what if love was nothing like the real thing?...” and then Michelini bookends the “Moses...” whoop with another one, setting it free. The music so energized & electric that I whoop along without realizing it. I wrote a little more about my special connection with The Gate this year (besides for those whoop-alongs!) a Retrospective Anthology Mix I made for myself and The Mix I traded (along with a pair of brand new red shoelaces!) for an advanced copy of The Gate way back in April! Thanks American Trappist! As long as you keep making em, I’ll keep putting em my end of the year favorites list. The Gate is special.

“I’m decomposing, underreacting / I do the right thing but nothing happens / It is within me / It is within me to love somebody...”

BARTEES STRANGE / Live Forever

The songs on Bartees Strange’s debut album Live Forever carry an instant sense of Nostalgia & familiarity. Maybe it’s the mix of influences that I love (Bon Iver, Fall Out Boy, mid 2000′s emo, pop-rock, & hip-hop etc...!) maybe it’s the way Bartees manages to make those “old” influences sound new, fresh, exciting, and completely at home with his voice & production. Whatever the reason, every time I hit play on Live Forever (usually in the kitchen, beer-in-hand), it feels like an old friend. It feels like I’ve known these songs for the last five years, like they’ve always existed. The way his voice twists around & around, up & down in “Jealousy,” the way the Aaron Dessner-esque guitars & synths stab in on “Mustang” (a nod to Bartees’ hometown of Mustang, OK), and the way “Boomer” wastes absolutely no time with it’s “Aye bruh aye bruh aye bruh” intro. Pure, comforting, exciting magic.

Bartees Leon Cox Jr. came up in a band as Bartees & The Strange Fruit. A nod to Nina Simone, a National covers EP (!), and a supercharged debut full length later, here we are in 2020 with Bartees showing up on a ton of end of the year lists. Bartees hails from Washington DC (by way of Mustang, Oklahoma) originally from England, son of an opera singer, lover of music. I am so thankful this album exists in this time and I (and a ton of other music fans get to enjoy it!) Bartees had made his technical debut (a The National covers album!) as a black kids’ response to not seeing enough people of color in the audience at National shows. When it comes to blending his influences, he talks about hip-hop saying “I love how rappers rap about dreams – money & cars & pretty girls & big houses & buying their mom a yacht. Expansive, out of this world, unbelievable shit, & sometimes they get it. It's like this very big Christian principle of like speaking things into existence in a way. When I look at rock music, it's like, ‘I'm sad.’ I'm like, ‘Yo, let's bring a hip-hop ethos to it.’ Like, I want to write rock songs about, like, ‘I want to be the biggest artist in the world.’” Big dreams Bartees, big dreams. I love Live Forever and I can’t wait to see what’s next!

“To have a life you love but know you’re undeserving / Last night I got so fucked up, near lost my job / It’s nice to think that folks are near, waking up was hard this year...”

DUA LIPA / Future Nostalgia

It seems like every year when I start creating this list, there is one big radio album that I listened to and loved so much, that it’s impossible not to include. Last year it was Lizzo, 2018 had Janelle Monae, & 2017 Kendrick Lamar. This year that big, undeniable pop radio album is Dua Lipa’s Future Nostalgia. With nods to a wide swath of club genres, as well as pop, disco, & funk, 25 year old Dua Lipa sounds confident and full of swagger on her sophomore album. She’s already released a DJ mix alternate version of the entire album! It’s sometimes hard for me to describe why I love certain pop songs, but Future Nostalgia feels so easy. Smooth synths & keys, elastic, rubbery basslines, a mix of Nostalgic (and maybe futuristic?!) influences, and Dua’s energetic vocals driving everyone to the dance floor. She channels Prince & The Beegees, mixing 70′s disco & 80′s funk, everything danceable, fluid, & modern. My favorite lyrical moments on the album are when she lets her feminism show through, like on the opening title track “No matter what you do I’m gonna get it without you. I know you ain’t used to a female alpha” and on the dark, catchy closer “Boys Will Be Boys” that talks about rape culture, mansplaining, & slut-shaming. But my personal favorite memories of Future Nostalgia come from taking it along on a few camping trips in the Colorado mountains. Criss-crossing the Continental Divide with the windows down, sunlight streaming through, belting out “If you don’t wanna see me, dancing with somebody!” to high alpine lakes & pine trees.

“Did a full 180, crazy / Thinking ‘bout the way I was / Did the heartache change me? Maybe / But look at where I ended up / I’m all good already / So moved on it’s scary / I’m not where you left me at all, so...”

EZRA FURMAN / To Them We’ll Always Be Freaks

LISTEN/BUY ON BANDCAMP

Ezra Furman is one of the most important, lifelong favorite artists that I discovered in 2020, and even though To Them We’ll Always Be Freaks isn’t exactly a proper new album (cannot fucking wait for the next one Ezra!) it only felt right to include this collection of demos and behind the scenes material from 2016′s unbelievable Transangelic Exodus on my 2020 list. The basic story is this, Ezra Furman makes a lot of music/records, solo or with a lot of musicians. The Harpoons, The Visions, by herself. They recall a lot of things; punk, soul, doo-wop, plain old American Rock & Roll, being yourself, being whoever you want to be, being alone, all the things that matter. For Transangelic Exodus she wanted to do something different, to abandon her instincts. To “get weird.” To make “A record of maximal impact, maximal originality & excitement.” If you haven’t heard Transangelic Exodus, it is all of those things and more. I recommend you wait till a cold night in your kitchen, pour yourself a stiff drink, & listen to it front-to-back... LOUD. I missed it in 2016 (& for a few years after) but I was lucky enough to hear Ezra in time to catch her at the Bluebird last year and it was one of the best live performance I’ve ever seen. Also, Bandcamp exclusives are what fueled my Friday mornings through Covid times, giving money to artists & causes that I love. Ezra has done SO MUCH since 2016 (last year’s Twelve Nudes is a pysch-punk masterpiece!) and To Them We’ll Always Be Freaks (aka Making Ourselves Up in the Rearview Mirror) (aka “Wing That Shit”) borrows its name from the absolutely transcendental, broadway-esque “Suck the Blood from My Wound” which was the opening track on Transangelic Exodus. It is a collection of “demos, rehearsals, & shots in the dark” from an important record that means a lot to a lot of people. Rather than diving into the fun differences of all these demo versions, I wanted to quote myself from February, the feelings that I had immediately after seeing Ezra that night, totally present at the Bluebird...

I was able to be present for an hour and a half. To let go, to suspend, to kick against things and break down barriers that I have built myself in my own mind. It is so important to do that for ourselves and everyone has to work to find their own different methods of getting there. Some people never do, but it is still important for us to encourage & push them. A needling supportive jab of growth. For me, it has always been music. Most viscerally rock & roll (Ezra’s electric guitar playing stirs a power in my body & brain that I can’t put into words… like it could make me fly. Like Peregrine Falcon fucking fly. Or deadsprint all the way to San Francisco) but always all kinds of music. The power to broaden my horizons. To teach me things. To understand someone else. To see the world (politics, religion, sexuality, the true self, humankind) through new eyes. “Skin on my fingers peeling, making way for my new form.” To hear someone say who they are (who they really are) and to believe them. I want that for myself. To know who I really am. To feel beyond a shadow of a doubt, what I should do and who I should be. And to believe me. I am inspired by Ezra and hundreds of others, to push forward through doubt. To find myself even in the darkest shadows of doubt. To scream at doubt and befriend it. To wrap it up in the backseat of a red Camaro and keep driving. Last night I glimpsed something like Utopia. As Ezra says about her Jewish practice of Shabbat (google it!) “It’s like touching Utopia, weekly. It reminds us of what we want the world to be like” And it was like touching utopia. Like a breath of Spring breeze. Like change. Keep digging. All the way down. Till you’re standing upside down in an alternative world. It’s beautiful there, magic is possible. I know because… because well… Ezra told me.”

“For the immigrant / For the refugee / For the closeted / For the out / For the vulnerable / For the homeless / For the searching / This record is an exercise in empathy / A ripening of nightmares & a sudden blooming of spirit / It’s a protest record / Dreamed in dark corners of the heart of a queer grandchild of Holocaust survivors / & what if you had to leave your home because the government was after you? / May our vulnerability & difference be a window into the lives of those who are deeply threatened by institutional callousness & hatred / And may this spur us to great courage & kindness / ‘Do not oppress a foreigner: you know the feelings of the foreigner for you were foreigners in the land of Egypt’ Exodus 23:9...”

FIONA APPLE / Fetch The Bolt Cutters

If you love end of the year lists as much as I do, then you’ve probably read enough about Fetch The Bolt Cutters already. In fact, a few of the albums on this list (spoiler alert, Phoebe & Sault coming! Keep reading!) were so good, so immediate, that my entire social media feed was filled with seemingly nothing else for days stretching into weeks. Fiona Apple coming out of hiding to release her first album in eight (?!) years was one of those moments. Thinkpieces, interviews, and then the inevitable, deserved flood of end of the year lists. As someone who missed most of Fiona in the 90′s and 2000′s, Fetch The Bolt Cutters felt like a revelation. Like finding a brand new, fresh faced artist, fully formed, rebellious, and 100% herself. Turns out Fiona has been doing this shit since I was 10 years old! With an aggressive, current-world-situation-necessitated title lifted from Gillian Anderson’s detective in “The Fall” (she’s trying to save a locked up woman from a serial killer) Fetch The Bolt Cutters is as determined & relentless as it sounds. Pianos twinkle & spiral, drums pound & knock, Dogs bark (one of them is her pit-bull-boxer mix Mercy), pots & pans bang, bells ring, and Fiona herself uses her voice as one of the most versatile instruments, shrieking & whispering, hissing & howling, defiant & absolutely riveting. In fact, almost everything about the music that Fiona Apple makes is head turning and Fetch The Bolt Cutters reminds me of so many things that made me fall in love with music in the first place. It feels free & it makes me feel free. She defied her record label who wanted her to follow a normal album rollout for an October release, and released it in April instead because she felt like it was needed at the time. She recorded most of the album at her house, on garageband and her iPhone. The songs are angry, defeated, cathartic, triumphant, & sometimes laugh-out-loud funny. Her writing is honest & heartfelt, working through trauma for herself from as far back as middle school. Fiona refers to her brain-stuff-writing as balls of yarn saying...

“You’ve got these stories you’re not telling anybody. Each one of those stories is like this little ball of yarn. If you don’t express them, they end up getting tangled together inside. Then it’s really hard to sort through them. I got some balls of yarn out in this album and wove them into something I can actually work with...”

Through it all, Apple’s vocals, lyrics, & rhythms are so fresh, so innovative, so exciting, that I feel like I’ve discovered a brand new artist. Thanks Fiona for unraveling that yarn for the last 25 years!

“Hurricane Gloria in excelsis deo / That’s my bird in my tree / My dog & my man & my music is my holy trinity / Tony told me he’d describe me as ‘pissed off, funny, & warm’ / Sebastian said I’m ‘a good man in a storm’ / Back then I didn’t know what potential meant / & Shemeika wasn’t gentle & she wasn’t my friend / But she got through to me & I’ll never see her again / I’m pissed off, funny, & warm / I’m a good man in a storm / & when the fall is torrential I’ll recall / Shameika said I had potential...”

JOY OLADOKUN / in defense of my own happiness (vol. 1)

Joy Oladokun grew up going to church religiously in small town Arizona. Inspired to play guitar by seeing Tracy Chapman on VHS, she wrote her first song about Aragorn from “Lord of The Rings”. There are parts of Joy’s music, truths in the deep, deep melodies & lyrics that I will never understand. She is a Queer, Black woman born to Nigerian parents, dealing with (and singing about) life challenges that I will never know. But then, there is also a magic & familiarity that I feel in Joy’s songs, because we have connections that only we can have. Connections that come from thinking about the same things from our formative years. The way she writes about growing up in the church, the way she challenges the church, the way she pushes her family & friends still in the church to be better. Musically, in defense of my own happiness (vol. 1) (all lowercase please!) sounds like Joy’s own map of America. Folky, woodsy Arizona, some LA soul & production, and big Nashville choruses, like contemporary radio. But the writing found in these songs is different & essential. Effortlessly cool lead single “Smoke” opens the album with the line “yesterday I left my joint sitting on the counter...” Oh yeah, she loves to get high! (sorry church, I’m 100% sure Jesus doesn’t care about marijuana!) Riding an undeniably catchy chorus, and drums & keys that carry the song down a blacktop road, this one got a TON of play this Summer when we in Colorado were trapped in wildfire smoke and I made my littlest sister this Smoke & Fire Mix. After “Smoke” she tackles identity & religion on the Mat Kearney-esque (look him up!) Nashville folk-pop of “Sunday” & “Bad Blood” saying,

"The biggest privilege of being a songwriter is being able to write the type of song that I needed to hear when I was younger, 'Sunday' is the song that 12-year-old Joy, seated in the back of church youth group, needed to hear. She needed to hear that you can be queer & happy. Queer & healthy. Queer & holy. She needed to see married women kissing & playing with their kids."

It’s inspiring that Joy chooses to use the word privilege in that quote instead of responsibility. The privilege of being a songwriter is the impact you can have on others. Joy has been outspoken about social justice, both inside & outside the church, and has continued to release singles challenging the racism running rampant in America. Her heartbreaking “Who Do I Turn To?” deals with the fear that comes with simply being black in America. “Mercy” features a verse from rapper Tim Gent and touches on the current pandemic (and the off-the-deep-end religious turn Kanye has taken). Finally the album closes with the gorgeous, finger-picked, I-wanna-do-better ballad “Too High” (oh yeah, when she gets high she gets... too high!) and “Younger Days.” A peaceful, soul-inflected closer, with Joy’s vocals swelling & wandering through her life & memories to the conclusion “Who I was would be proud to see the person I became...”

“Sometimes I get jealous of jesus for falling asleep in the middle of the storm / Sometimes you gotta feel like drowning to be reborn / Oh I haven’t slept in three days / I know I’ve gotta find my way / Through all of this smoke...”

THE KILLERS / Imploding The Mirage

I knew Imploding The Mirage would be on my 2020 Favorites list months before it was actually released. It reminded of when Josh Ritter released some super important singles during the Summer/Fall 2015 (a very transformational time for me). Similarly the singles from Imploding The Mirage (The Killers sixth studio album!) came right on time earlier this Spring & Summer. Mirage’s first single was the classic Killers get-out-of-town anthem “Caution” and it arrived on March 12, early on in the pandemic and under stay-at-home orders. “Caution” introduced me to “the featherweight queen” and found me many nights dancing in the kitchen, the volume turned up on Lindsay Buckingham’s wailing outro guitar solo. “Caution” was my number one most streamed song on Spotify in 2020. After that came “Fire In Bone.” A groovier track, released in April with gorgeous peacock single art (the only art from the album that isn’t painted by the wonderful Thomas Blackshear) and fallen for in June, dancing with my brothers & sisters at the lake, one of the first times we had hung out during quarantine. One of my goals with this year’s list is to remember the exact moments when I fell in love with a song or album, and that moment for Imploding The Mirage was playing “Fire In Bone,” right here...

Shortly after that, opening track “My Own Soul’s Warning” had me dancing in the shower and the lovesick, ultimate Flowers jam “Dying Breed” had me rolling down my windows and belting along till August when Imploding The Mirage finally got it’s official release. I have non-guilty-pleasure-loved The Killers since Hot Fuss (and accidentally downloaded a virus on my best friends desktop computer trying to download a "Mr Brightside” acoustic version off of some weird site on dial-up internet in Silt, Colorado in the mid-2000s!) and it’s exciting to know that Flowers & Co. can still do something that sounds phenomenal (thanks Shawn Everett!) in 2020. Oh and... word on the street is that they got a follow up coming in early 2021 so yeah... The Killers killin’ it.

“Cause it’s some kind of sin / To live your whole life / On a might’ve been / I’m ready now / I’m throwing caution / What’s it gonna be? / Tonight the winds of change are blowing wild & free...”

MIPSO / Mipso

After years of encouragement, and with gentle but insistent nudges from my partner’s father; Chapel Hill, North Carolina’s Mipso finally made it on my end of the year Favorites list with their sixth full length album! I had seen them way back in 2016 at the Lost Lake Lounge here in Denver (probably on his recommendation), they were touring on their first few albums, still more bluegrass-y, but I loved them and I loved their “Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes” cover. Since then, Lila’s dad would send us their music, send us stickers through the good ol’ USPS, and Mipso kept honing their craft. Smoothing out their folk, adding pop influences, with sharp songwriting, and warm, Appalachian instrumentation. And, as Lila’s dad says, if you close your eyes, it might as well be Paul Simon singing.

The four members of Mipso share songwriting and frontperson duties equally and each member brings their own depth & humor to the band. Guitarist Joseph Terrell’s (he’s the Paul Simon sound-alike) songs are brighter & folkier. “Never Knew You Were Gone” is a gorgeously, wistful, violin-led, apocalyptic opener. “Hey Coyote” reminds me of Christopher Porterfield & Field Report from Wisconsin, with it’s gentle plucking and mystical lyrics about Wile E. Coyote & Coyotl, the Native American mythology version of the trickster. “Help” is maybe the biggest & darkest folk tune on the album, a minor tinged, string-y burner, that dives into a huge chorus. Mandolinist Jacob Sharp leads the rhythmic & driving “Hourglass” and the late-night rain of “Just Want To Be Loved.” Double Bassist Wood Robinson gets in on the fun with the comforting, wandering of “Shelter.” But it is violinist Libby Rodenbough’s contributions to the album that make it truly great. Her impassioned vocals & lyrics command “Your Body” over an insistent banjo. She visits the darkness on the enchanting, cheater’s tale “Like You Never” and revisits the apocalypse mentioned in track one, on her rollicking closer “Wallpaper Baby.” Finally, it is her tender folk that ties the whole story together on “Big Star.” She sings of the end of time; of swimming & Summer & Colorado. A true classic, a lost Gregory Alan Isakov telescope, mountain stream tune. In the zine accompanying Mipso’s release, they introduce the album this way...

“Future Readers,

Times are tough. You probably know this... Shit has lately been hitting the fan in a big way. Maybe chickens coming home to roost is a better metaphor, since we’re talking about history. Maybe a bunch of chickens have roosted on a giant fan, and they’re finally shitting... We recorded the album back in the latter half of 2019. when all We The People had to worry about was rampant income inequality, a sham democracy, & rising oceans. Ah, the good old days. At least now people can’t pretend it isn’t there. Beats the nineties! A Japanese theme park recently released a set of guidelines aimed at reducing the spread of airborne droplets of the virus on rollercoasters. ‘Please scream inside your heart’ they said. We hope you enjoy our album.”

Thanks Mipso, this one is special. And thanks Lee Cummings! From Chapel Hill to Ashville, Carrboro to Greensboro, this is an album I’ll hold onto for awhile.

“We went down to the water / With a blanket in the back / Had some candy from Colorado / Let the sunlight lay us flat / I awoke from the strangest vision / You & me at the end of time / Would you believe that big star was missing / But I found in your eye... / We went down to the water / When the red was in the clouds / Cracked the windows like kid summer / Like we were breaking out / We went down to the water / Never mind the rising tide / After all we are the daughters / Of unbelievers running wild...”

PHOEBE BRIDGERS / Punisher

The Phoebe Bridgers mythology grows with every tweet, every guest feature, every new project, every new skeleton suit, and every Grammy nomination. It’s almost hard to believe Punisher is only her second solo full length, but if you’re following the fake_nudes mythology you know that she’s been busy in the years between Stranger in the Alps (her impressive debut) and Punisher. She formed supergroups with Lucy Dacus & Julien Baker (boygenius) and Conor Oberst (find Better Oblivion Community Center on my 2019 Favorites list). If you’ve talked to me about music this year at all, you know that Punisher has been a favorite talking point, as much for its typically dark Phoebe masterpieces about mental health, alien abduction, & depression, as for how it has overtaken the entire indie world. Phoebe fucking Bridgers has achieved legend status. The day I fell in love with Punisher was September 1st, when I hiked up across from Red Rocks Amphitheater to stream Phoebe playing THIS show and gaze longingly at the Rocks, wishing I could be inside. Watching a full moon (song) come up in the West, Phoebe playing to my East, drinking beer & reading lyrics, It was cathartic & special but goddamn did I miss live music in 2020.

Ok... on to the songs. Punisher begins innocently enou... umm... it actually begins with a TERRIFYING minute of soft, unsettling sound, a “DVD Menu” track playing after the horror movie has ended, that moment when you’re both sitting there, stunned & pale, too scared to get up and go turn the light on, googling “______ movie ending explained,” and considering death, dismemberment, and I don’t know, alien abduction. I burned myself my own Punisher CD with “DVD Menu” as both the opening & closing tracks because... (spoiler alert) I Know The End. Getting up to turn the light on doesn’t help much, as “Garden Song” is a haunting, ear-worming, whisper of a song that tells a decidedly LA (most of these songs reference SoCal in some way and I love it!) tale about the Rose Parade, killing nazis, growing a garden, and ends with a happy plot twist. Surprise, Phoebe’s got everything she wanted! “Kyoto” was the big single (the “Motion Sickness” as it were), a green screen miracle, a monster uplift of a chorus complete with horns, finds Phoebe singing about boredom & international travel. I personally love the back-to-back of “Chinese Satellite” & “Moon Song” and I feel like they capture Phoebe’s ability to combine the mundane & the heartbreaking & the wryly funny all in the same couplet. She has a lot of great jokes hidden on Punisher (why aren’t more people talking about how funny she is?!) like when she ends “Kyoto” singing “Guess I lied. I’m a liar, who lies. Cause I’m a liar.” There’s a jogging joke in “Chinese Satellite” (a song about not believing in God) about running around “Why would somebody do this on purpose?” and in “I See You” she sneaks in “If you’re a work of art, I’m standing too close!” and if you know the joke in “I Know The End” then you know! That brings us to the emotional centerpiece of closer “I Know The End.” A true road song, written on an epic road trip Phoebe took through Northern California; all Wizard of Oz, Arcade-Fire-Mountains-Beyond-Mountains-Sprawl past outlet malls, all the way to the end of the world. I won’t spoil the ending if you haven’t heard it, but it’s a cathartic, deserving send off to 2020, and I’ve screamed out loud to it in my car more than anything else this year. Love you Phoebe, Love Punisher, absolutely can’t wait to see what’s next.

“Driving out into the sun / Let the ultraviolet cover me up / Went looking for a creation myth / Ended up with a pair of cracked lips / Windows down, scream along / To some America first rap-country song / A slaughterhouse, an outlet mall / Slot machines, fear of God / Windows down, heater on / Big bolt of lightning hanging low / Over the coast, everyone’s convinced / It’s a government drone or an alien spaceship / Either way, we’re not alone / I’ll find a new place to be from / A haunted house, with a picket fence / To float around & ghost my friends / I’m not afraid to disappear / The billboard said ‘The End Is Near’ / I turned around, there was nothing there / Yeah, I guess the end is here...”

ROACHE, MOONCHILD, KILEY / Improvised Sessions

LISTEN/BUY ON BANDCAMP

I have so much fun making this list every year. I start a draft in January, update and change things as the year goes on, and agonize over my final cuts until usually December (or sometimes January of the next year or later!) I enjoy writing about why I loved the albums I chose, and I enjoy reading everyone else’s end of the year lists and finding new favorites. I also love the randomness of it all, and I love love LOVE that albums like Roache, Moonchild, Kiley Improvised Sessions exist. This album was released exclusively for free (or name-your-price!) to bandcamp on Christmas Day, features almost no vocals, a wide swath of exciting instrumental music. Mostly electronic, guitars, keyboards, & drums; at times abrasive, at times relaxing, a true masterpiece. Long live Bandcamp! What can I tell you about Roache, Moonchild, Kiley? Honestly not much! I know of them from seeing Fiona Moonchild absolutely shred guitar for Scott Yoder on a tiny stage at the Lion’s Lair on Colfax in early 2019. She was theatric & phenomenal, equal parts Bowie & Heavy Temple, Mazzy Star & The umm... Beatles?! One the greatest live shows I’ve ever seen (small venue or otherwise) & then Yoder, Moonchild & crew packed up and headed back to the Pacific Northwest. Roache was a new find, singer, artist, instrumentalist (harmonica maybe? the credits are minimal!) and Conor Kiley is an unknown. The music is alluring. The first four tracks (”First” “Second” “Third” & “Fourth” obviously!) swing between bouncy, noisy, jazzy piano, and down tempo grooves. “Desert Underground” employs a mournful harmonica over plinking Western guitar and “Fire” brings fuzzed out, grungy guitar and finally some growling vocals from Roache. The last two tracks put everything to bed instrumentally and the album fades out into bandcamp obscurity. The credits provide only a few hints to the recording saying...

“A cathartic release, recorded on tape in the Summer of 2020. This album was recorded on occupied Duwamish land.”

SAMANTHA CRAIN / A Small Death

Samantha Crain is a Choctaw songwriter from Shawnee, Oklahoma. She is six days younger than this writer (34!) and has been putting out strong, sturdy-but-tender folk albums since 2007. On her sixth full length, 2020′s A Small Death, Crain writes about the mundane and the essential in a way that brings her stories and her truth to electrifying life. Blooming from front to back with energy, depth, emotion, & powerful instrumentation, A Small Death is one of my most favorite albums of this year. When Crain announced A Small Death, she referenced the title as the idea that “everything is always starting over again, all the time.” She talked about her own experience with starting over after multiple car accidents had left her immobilized, unable to use her hands, unsure if this album (or any album) would ever be made by her again. You can hear in these songs her frustration and her defeatedness, but also her celebration, her determination. From the desperate swell of gorgeous first single and opener “An Echo” to the ebullient push of “Pastime,” and the resigned melancholy of “Tough For You.” Crain’s instrumentation holds up to the songwriting, and her band uses flourishes of trumpet, clarinet, accordion, saxophone, and pedal steel (both the mournful-country kind in the late-night-heartache of “High Horse” and the honky-tonk country kind in the blistering, defiant closer “Little Bits”). Crain touches on her Choctaw heritage proudly, both in “Holding to the Edge of Night” when she sings “I am a legend of this land here; I am a keeper of this life.” and most notably in the penultimate track “When We Remain” sung in Choctaw, a tradition Crain carries over from her 2017 album You Had Me At Goodbye. Crain’s songwriting is wonderfully intimate, A Small Death is full of deeply personal memories, old friends, roommate challenges, love, & ephemera (a bar tab, a parking ticket, photo booth strips, stubs from movies & baseball games, an 8-ball, a $20 dollar bill!)

My favorite tracks are the louder ones, “Reunion” is a bouncy, soulful swing about seeing high school friends and “watching exes eye the spouses, but I came alone, I think it’s glamourous.” Haha! “Garden Dove” rides a straight up NIrvana/grunge riff into a bellowing love song. I’ll close by sharing my two favorite personal memories with A Small Death. In July, I had streamed the record but probably hadn’t really heard it you know? (there was a lot going on this Summer) and Chris Porterfield from Field Report (his new one Brake Light Red Tide is beautiful, though not on this list!) posted about “Holding to the Edge of Night” after midnight saying... “I dare you to go outside and listen to this song right now. This new Samantha Crain record is everything.” Naturally I took the dare, walked out under the moon, and laid down on the sidewalk to actually listen to “Holding to the Edge of Night” I felt, as Crain so deeply & eloquently puts it that “evening was my prize.” A truly great, classic song that I will listen to on night walks for the rest of my life. Lastly, in August, for my birthday, my partner asked me to pick a record to listen to, and she made fancy drinks to-go in Denver’s Cheeseman Park. Watching the sunset from the hill under the columns at Cheesman and thinking about how Crain talks about memory in “Joey” when she sings...

“Sometimes I feel like my memories never happened. Could you remind me, take me back for a night? Was it ever real? I don’t feel like that girl anymore. Was it heavenly? I don’t even see through those eyes anymore. A hundred small deaths, a hundred before. I am a revolving door. I am a revolving door...”

“What’s that silence inside me that expands into the dark? / With the traffic lights all changing for no one anymore / The karaoke laughter tumbling out the door / My eyes well with contemplation of the pleasures I endure / Holding to the edge of night...”

SAULT / Untitled (Black Is)

Where to start with Sault?! They put out two albums this year?! They put out two albums last year?! Nobody knows exactly who is in the band?! Sault is what I love about music, what I love about new music! I wrote an alternative version of this list where I referenced everyone who has released two albums this year (?!) because honestly I like Sault’s second of the year album Untitled (Rise) a whole lot too! I mean Bartees had his album of National covers, Phoebe has her orchestral Punisher companion EP, Shamir has two very different exciting records!, not to mention Hiss Golden Messenger’s two full live albums and uh... Folklore & Evermore. But anyway, what can I tell you about Sault that you haven’t read on however many end of the year lists already?! A collective of young artists, internet sleuthing has led me to believe possible members include London soul singer Cleo Sol, American rapper Kid Sister, & producer Inflo. A wonderfully rich blending of genres: R&B, house, disco, post-punk, boogie, dub, gospel, reggae, funk, soul, spoken-word, & protest chants.

Released into a world in turmoil, with Black Lives Matter protests erupting outside my door, Untitled (Black Is) is an album very specifically not made for me. Released into a world that I’m a part of. Protesting injustices in a system that I work within. Music with a purpose. Music so rich & wonderful, with a message we cannot continue to ignore. The only response I could have to Sault’s albums is to do better. To work harder. To take to the streets. To call out systemic racism so embedded in our culture, in my workplace, in my friend groups, in my family. When they released the album on June 12, it was posted with these words...

“We present our first ‘Untitled’ album to mark a moment in time where we as Black People, & of Black Origin are fighting for our lives. RIP George Floyd & all those who have suffered from police brutality & systemic racism. Change is happening... We are focused. Sault x”

I feel grateful & lucky to listen to & learn from Sault.

“Thief in the night / Tell the truth / White lives / Spreading lies / You should be ashamed / The bloodshed on your hands / Another man / Take off your badge / We all know it was murder...”

SHAMIR / Shamir

Shamir Bailey waited until album number seven (and his second album of 2020!) to release a self-titled album. Shamir is worth the wait. A glimmering, mesmerizing rock&roll masterpiece, full of experienced songwriting, noisy electric guitars, and shiny pop grooves; these are some of my favorite songs of the year. Las Vegas by way of Philadelphia, Shamir has built a DIY career in the indie scene by releasing seven albums in five years. He has honed his songwriting & sound, pushing himself far from his (admittedly popular & wonderful) dance debut Ratchet in 2015. One of the things I noticed about my list this year (and about my music tastes in general) is my ever growing affinity for strong vocal performances. From Angelica Garcia to Anjimile, Fiona Apple & Joy Oladokun, a bunch of the albums I loved this year stand out for their vocals. Shamir’s strong & versatile voice guides every song on the album and makes for fascinating listening. Lead single and track one “On My Own” came into my life at some mask-wearing, socially distanced outdoor hang this June, and quickly made it on to just about every Summer playlist after. It’s huge & memorable, with stabs of crunchy Pixies electric guitar and proud, loner-anthem lyrics. "Other Side” is the one that should have got massive radio airplay, all rolling drums, country western tinged (is that not a banjo I hear Shamir?) with shimmering Orville-Peck-bedazzled-suit-&-a-retro-microphone production leading a mega singalong chorus! Finally, between interspersed clips of talking that Shamir describes as “Field recordings of me with my friends-just being ridiculous” personal favorite “Diet” rides a choppy, 90′s alt-rock guitar to a blistering chorus that compares vampires sucking blood to getting to know someone! Ha! I can’t wait for Shamir to bring some of these songs through Denver on tour! It’s not too late to hop on the Shamir bandwagon!

“Couldn't take it anymore / Where do I begin? / I'll get around to it after a glass of gin / I prefer to be alone, but you can join if you like / I'll stay strong for you 'cause I don't want to be seen when I cry / Done giving up my light / Just to stay in the dark...”

SOTOMAYOR / Origenes

Sotomayor is a brother/sister duo from Mexico City who blend traditional Latin & Central American cumbia with other world rhythms & styles (electro, afrobeat, dancehall, merengue, peruvian chica!) on their truly magical third full length Origenes. One of my favorite concert series of the last few Summers has been Levitt Pavilion’s free outdoor concerts in Ruby Hill Park here in Denver. They introduced me to Sotomayor back in 2018. Picture enormous rolling grassy hills, kids laughing & playing & singing, tall cans, picnic dinners, & DANCING! Siblings Raul & Paulina Sotomayor worked with 28-time Latin Grammy winner Eduardo Cabra (Calle 13) recording between Mexico and Puerto Rico to release Origenes (translates to “origins”) on New York based independent label Wonderwheel. They have expanded their palette, making dance music to get bodies moving at clubs & dancehalls across the world, and the percussion throughout Origines is relentless, hypnotic, and downright sweaty fun! Paulina’s voice glides effortless over top of it all, sometimes strong & commanding, sometimes slipping sweet & sultry between synths or stabs of latin guitar. As a dance duo with Raul on beats and Paulina on vocals (they perform with a live band) the Sylvan Esso comparisons are unavoidable. I love you Nick & Amelia and I love Free Love, but Sotomayor has got me dancing in the kitchen cooking Hello Fresh more than a few times this year! Origenes is not to be missed!

“No sé por qué, pero me ha pasado / Que nunca lo he olvidado / Que aquellos ratos que rompen los platos / Aquellas historias que guardan las olas / Pequeñas esporas, momentos a solas / Se desempolvan viejas memorias / Nunca es tarde para recordar / Lo que nos une...”

““I don't know why, but it has happened to me / That I have never forgotten / That those moments that break dishes / Those stories that the waves keep / Little spores, moments alone / Old memories are dusted / It is never too late to remember / What unites us...”

SPILLAGE VILLAGE / Spilligion

The story of Spillage Village recording Spilligion (the Atlanta supergroup’s fourth full length album) is the stuff that will always make me remember the state of music in 2020. Spillage Village is an Atlanta collective comprised of the EARTHGANG duo (you may remember them from my 2019 Favorites list!) and a bunch of other collaborators (more on them later). Rapper & singer J.I.D. had rented a house in West Atlanta to work on his own third solo album, but when the pandemic hit, he invited the other members of Spillage Village to shelter-in-place and they all hit record. The result is a journal-entry-like album of the 2020 Covid pandemic, songs both uplifting & depressing, a group of musicians analyzing & expressing their feelings the best way they know how, through music. During their recording quarantine, they bonded over yoga, smoking weed, board games (monopoly & trouble), campfire s’mores, and talking current events & politics. Through it all, the music they were making was hopeful, forward looking, and religious. EARTHGANG’s Doctor Dot & Johnny Venus drive the rapping with J.I.D., but Mereba is their not-so-secret weapon. Her singing & rapping on the Sunday afternoon soul of “PsalmSing” and Coldplay-off-key piano of “Hapi” is inspiring & memorable. Brothers Benji & Cristo add production & basslines, Chance The Rapper makes a guest appearance, and closer “Jupiter” sounds like a darker, woodsier Avicii & Aloe Blacc track, backed by campfire acoustic guitars & banjos. Personal favorite, the apocalyptic “End of Daze” rides strong verses from almost everyone, references Pascal Siakim, Ronald Reagan, Nipsey Hussle, Sun Tzu, Damn Daniel, MF Doom (RIP), Future, Jesus, & Satan! Spilligion is the result of friends & collaborators, taking on 2020, stuck inside, making music & memories, marking a year unlike anything any of us have seen so far. When I look back, Spillage Village will be one of the bands that helped me mark my weird time & space this year.

“When I make it to the heavens, what's the code? Do I call a phone? / Security at the gate, no plus one, come all alone? / All along the race of life, I took a jog alone / Along the coast, I'm tryna cope, I raise a toast / & we consulted with the Most High / She told me watch my back, front, both sides / Hit a few baddies you never smashed 'fore y'all both die / Let the smoke rise, take the bodies to the crypts / & when the poor people run out of food, they can eat the rich...”

TAYLOR SWIFT / Evermore

One of the main themes I found while making my 2020 Favorites list is comfort. This year, I turned to familiar music for comfort, and I have been a Taylor Swift fan since 2010. I love Evermore (I also loved Folklore) and I love how it makes me feel young and makes me think of memories from my 20′s. Growing up listening to country radio, I got “Teardrops on My Guitar” & “Tim McGraw” as I headed off to college. Then, I jumped then fell for Fearless while laying hardwood floors in Aspen, Colorado in the Fall of 2010. My best friend (Hey Stephen!) introduced me to Taylor as a gifted songwriter who has grown & matured over the years, but still every bit as intelligent and full of wonder & fairytale feelings on Evermore. That was right before Speak Now came out and I was in the midst of a break up from a High School & College first love. Speak Now feels like a lifetime ago, as does Red, but those albums saw Taylor changing her sound, honing her songwriting, and building her arena-worthy legacy catalog. Then there was some long, late night road trip drives with nothing but 1989, and discussing the merits of pop vs. country. I fell out of touch for a bit with Reputation & Lover, but again, Taylor was building her legacy. When she finally reemerged with a political stance, and an inclusive, progressive vision, I was back in! Turns out just in time, because 2020 brought the huge surprise of Taylor collaborating with some of my favorite musicians (specifically Aaron Dessner of The National) on not one, but two new Taylor masterpieces.

OK, that’s a lot of backstory, let’s talk about some of the high points on Evermore. New personal favorite “’tis the damn season” tells a familiar back-home-for-christmas story just in time for the holidays over Dessner’s brooding guitar and (surprise!) Josh Kaufman on lap steel (Hi Josh!) (see Josh Ritter & Bonny Light Horseman!) “happiness” is a gorgeous piano ballad (finished only a week before Evermore’s release!) with the life-long-lesson of finding the good in a heart-wrenching break-up. The second half of Evermore is stellar & deep with The National getting involved even more. Frontman Matt Berninger (or as a friend called him “Bon Iver’s Deeper Daddy”) lends a certain methodic languidness to “Coney Island” and Bryan Devendorf adds those signature, pounding National drums to the unbelievable catchy-singable “Long Story Short.” Predictably, The White Man, Bon Iver shows up in his traditional spot at the end, with his vocoder machine the Messina popping up in “Closure” and lending trademark pain to closer “Evermore.” As we wind out of these fairytale woods, I am drawn back to Taylor’s words upon Evermore’s even-more-surprising-than-Folklore’s release. “It feels like we were standing on the edge of the folklorian woods and had a choice: to turn & go back or to travel further into the forest of this music... I have no idea what will come next. I have no idea about a lot of things these days and so I’ve clung to the one thing that keeps me connected to you all. That things always has & always will be music.” Thanks for the music Taylor, glad you traveled further into the forest. Evermore.

“Don’t treat me like some situation that needs to be handled / I’m fine with my spite & my tears & my beers & my candles...”

THE 1975 / Notes On A Conditional Form

The 1975 has always been a mood band for me. I’m tempted to say “vibe” band, but I guess that’s even more scene-y, hipster-y, or whatever. In the same way that I’ve defended Taylor Swift’s songwriting in the early 2010′s & Third Eye Blind’s deep cuts in the late 90′s/early 2000′s, I have proclaimed The 1975 as our greatest pop-rock band. I have said that they are one of the best sounding live bands I’ve ever seen. To this day, I can’t listen to “Me” (Matty Healy’s addiction-facing, heart breaking slow burner that closed their Music For Cars EP way back in September 2013) without tearing up. I think of driving through Idaho in the dark with my little brother, lights blurring out the Subaru windows, him moving to Portland in the Fall of 2015, me cut loose & drifting, trying to find a meaning for my next chapter. Skip forward a few years and the opening chords of “A Change Of Heart” transport me immediately to a bridge in Portland. It’s raining again and the city lights are blurred out the same Subaru windows. I will always associate The 1975 (I’ve taken to calling them simply “The 75!”) with my little brother (they’re his all-time favorite band) and the power of shared music experience. I have so many memories tied with their music, late night drives, dance parties, coffee conversations, and when I make these favorite lists, those are the things I want to mark.

I could say a lot about Notes On A Conditional Form. It’s The 75′s fourth full-length album and it’s hella rambling. They threw everything on this one. The sequencing might be off, it goes from an emotional, Greta Thunberg-narrated opener about Climate Change, to the ferocious, post-punk of “People” to a sweeping instrumental track, to a down tempo dance-y favorite “Frail State of Mind” to another instrumental, to another low-key favorite “The Birthday Party” to another dance-y catchy fav “Yeah I Know.” Now we’re seven songs in, no “Sex” or “Chocolate” apparent singles and we’re not even A THIRD of the way through the record! I love the messiness and massive-ness of Notes, I love the Phoebe Bridgers feature (can you believe she was going to OPEN for them at Red Rocks?!), and I love the unedited-ness of it all. There are points in the last third of the album; that drop three minutes into “Having No Head,” those Grimes-y beats & vocals on “What Should I Say,” or the heavily effected vocal Matty sings with his Dad on the penultimate, Burt Bacharach-y “Don’t Worry,” There is so much to dig into here, drums both real & electronic, rock, pop, world music, jazz, dance, and through it all, Matty Healy (tongue firmly planted in cheek) cheekily poking fun at celebrity & fame. For all of the not-so-great memories I have from COVID, all of the quarantine, stay-at-home, shelter-in-place times; I have many fond memories of dancing in the kitchen, drinking fancy cocktails, cooking Hello Fresh, and absolutely blasting Notes On A Conditional Form. In fact, I listed to this one on the google home speaker so much, that it showed up on Lila’s end of the year top 5 albums! This one’s for you Will, first time The 75′s made it on my end of the year favorites list! I can’t listen to them without thinking of you and I love it. Long live music and the connections it builds. See y’all next year!

“People like people / They want alive people / Young surprise people / Stop fucking with the kids...”

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flowerslut · 5 years ago

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BREAKING DAWN Part 1 & Part 2

an updated, more modern take on the original soundtrack.

(TWILIGHT) (NEW MOON) (ECLIPSE)

spotify link — BD pt1 spotify link — BD pt2

[track list and commentary under the cut]

Part One

Endtapes — The Joy Formidable ➼ ➼ ➼ I Will Be Waiting — Let’s Eat Grandma

This soundtrack starts off so strongly that I had no choice but to pick one that can kick it off just as well. Let’s Eat Grandma might be my favorite band I’ve found this year. Their genre-bending is exquisite.

Love Will Take You — Angus & Julia Stone ➼ ➼ ➼ Need Ur Luv (Japanese Wallpaper Remix) — Charli XCX

Talk to me a year ago and tell me I was going to be putting Charli on a Twilight soundtrack recreation and I would’ve stared blankly and asked “fucking how?” Well, with this incredible Japanese Wallpaper remix, that’s how.

It Will Rain — Bruno Mars ➼ ➼ ➼ In My Blood — Shawn Mendes

And how do you replace baby Bruno? Well, only with today’s romantic power-balad singing baby, Shawn Mendes. It’s a perfect replacement, if you ask me.

Turning Page — Sleeping at Last ➼ ➼ ➼ For Now - Reimagined — Kina Grannis

Any other 2009-era Kina Grannis stans? Message From Your Heart? All those YouTube covers? No, just me? Whatever. Kina belonged on those soundtracks back then, and this is setting things right.

From Now On — The Features ➼ ➼ ➼ Cliffs Edge — Hayley Kiyoko

One of Hayley’s older songs, so it’s not too new, but I felt that is matched From Now On’s mood fantastically.

A Thousand Years — Christina Perri ➼ ➼ ➼ human — Christina Perri

No, this isn’t cheating. But only Christina Perri can truly replace Christina Perri. It’s also a perfect pre-change Bella song. I’m sure you heard this song everywhere at the end of the saga when everyone took to YouTube to make their cathartic recap videos. 2012-13 was a great (but weird) year to be a Twilight stan.

Neighbors — Theophilus London ➼ ➼ ➼ FACE — BROCKHAMPTON

Whether you like BROCKHAMPTON or not means little to me. They were absolutely ending up on one of these soundtracks. And as replacement to Neighbors, it’s like they belong. “Tell me what you’re waiting for? I just want to love you.” Ouch. Harsh Jacob vibes.

I Didn’t Mean It — The Belle Brigade ➼ ➼ ➼ All out of Tears — Z Berg

Z Berg created a song that sounded like it was made for one of these soundtracks. It’s insane. And one of my fucking favorites.

Sister Rosetta — Noisettes ➼ ➼ ➼ Digital Witness — St. Vincent

The Twilight soundtracks (and also Sufjan Stevens himself) are responsible for introducing me to St. Vincent. Now, years later, she’s consistently been one of my favorite artists. She has the range, y’all.

Northern Lights — Cider Sky ➼ ➼ ➼ Pool — Paramore

Of course I was putting Paramore back on one of these lists, you crazies. (And this isn’t the last you’ll see of them, either.)

Flightless Bird, American Mouth (Wedding Version) — Iron & Wine ➼ ➼ ➼ New America Classic — Vitamin String Quartet

There isn’t a wedding version of New American classic, but there is a Vitamin String Quartet version! (And no offense Iron & Wine, but it sounds so much more like an actual wedding song.) Any OG Twilight stans know that in this house, we love and cherish the Vitamin String Quartet. They were like our musical savior back in the day. Couldn’t find a decent quality soundtrack upload? No worries. Odds are, they’d already recorded an insane strings cover already.

Requiem on — Imperial Mammoth ➼ ➼ ➼ Waste — Oh Wonder

I unashamedly adore this song by Oh Wonder. Their dual vocals always put me in a damn trance. It’s so beautiful to describe. Just listen.

Cold — Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz ➼ ➼ ➼ Willow (feat. Robert Pattinson) — Tindersticks

Told you I’d stick him back on the soundtracks eventually. This song is so hauntingly perfect. When I first heard it it reminded me why I was so in love with Robert back in the day. That voice, man. Talent leapt!

Lloverá — Mía Maestro ➼ ➼ ➼ Silence II — Son Lux

It’s not as beautiful as the Carmen actress’ ballad, but it’s just as haunting.

Love Death Birth — Carter Burwell ➼ ➼ ➼ Sæglópur — Sigur Rós

When I went through my Sigur Rós phase way back when (pre-Twilight) Sæglópur was my favorite song for ages. It takes you through the whole spectrum of emotion, just as Carter Burwell’s music does. I thought it was an ideal way to end this first half.

You still get bonus tracks! Here’s two for the first movie:

Otherside — Perfume Genius

Simple. Powerful. Emotional. All you need at this point in the saga.

Everything In Its Right Place — Radiohead

A song that feels like waking up from a dream. Perfect for Bella’s dramatic change. (And of course I had to actually add Radiohead to one of these.)

Part Two

Where I Come From — Passion Pit ➼ ➼ ➼ Manchester — Kishi Bashi

Bella deserves to see the world for the first time with vampire eyes while Kishi Bashi magically transforms the scene in the background. It’s *chef’s kiss* literal perfection.

Bittersweet — Ellie Goulding ➼ ➼ ➼ Warrior — AURORA

Can I go off topic for half a second and tell you guys that I cried when I saw AURORA featured on the new Frozen song? No one deserves that wide recognition as much as she does. And no one does mystical pop better than AURORA (not even Ellie Goulding).

The Forgotten — Green Day ➼ ➼ ➼ Warm Winds (feat. Isaiah Rashad) — SZA

SZA deserves this spot and don’t even question why. SZA’s first album was so iconically emo. She’s another artist I’m convinced would’ve been reached out to for a track if she’d been making music just a little bit earlier.

Fire In The Water — Feist ➼ ➼ ➼ Carry Me Out — Mitski

Even though I’ve been a Feist fan since I got my first vocal comparison to her pre-Twilight (so I was ecstatic when she was featured here) I think Mitski really encapsulates everything a Twilight soundtrack needs.

Everything and Nothing — The Boom Circuits ➼ ➼ ➼ Highspeeds — Elliot Moss

I can’t not give Elliot Moss a spot. And that's it.

The Antidote — St. Vincent ➼ ➼ ➼ Unholy Trinity — Von Grey

I needed a harder song for this replacement and Von Grey’s music does the trick. This is the band of an old Tumblr friend that goes fucking hard, y’all. She and her sisters know how to bang out the tunes.

Speak Up — POP ETC ➼ ➼ ➼ Reasons Not To Die (Demo) — Ryn Weaver

This girl just knows how to fucking get me. Her second and final appearance on the soundtrack, here to just make you want to laugh and cry all at once. And as a replacement to another top favorite, it works well.

Heart of Stone — Iko ➼ ➼ ➼ Smother — Daughter

Heart of Stone actually made my end of year top tracks playlist for 2018. I knew I needed a solid replacement. And you can never go wrong with a Daughter track.

Cover Your Tracks — A Boy and His Kite ➼ ➼ ➼ In The Mourning — Paramore

We bid farewell to Paramore with their final appearance here. In The Mourning is another long-time favorite. It’s beautiful. And sad! We love it.

Ghosts — James Vincent McMorrow ➼ ➼ ➼ Weight — Crywolf

You need that late Breaking Dawn depressing shit? I got you that late Breaking Dawn depressing shit. “Bless me with just one kiss before you leave me here with my heart.”

All I've Ever Needed — Paul McDonald & Nikki Reed ➼ ➼ ➼ Beetroot (What If I Was 1?) — Blue Americans

I can’t describe how double-sad I get when I remember that Paul McDonald & Nikki Reed divorced not long after the saga wrapped. (Not that I ever had an attachment to him, but this song is so nice!) So that’s why Beetroot is a little sadder than All I’ve Ever Needed. Still a great song though.

New for You — Reeve Carney ➼ ➼ ➼ Black Hole — HANA

Black Hole is a little more pop than New For You. But it’s beautiful and nice and lovely and I am also In Love with HANA. So you get her here.

A Thousand Years (Part 2) — Christina Perri (feat. Steve Kazee) ➼ ➼ ➼ I Get To Love You — Ruelle

Had had had to put this incredible, romantic, hopeful song at the end of this soundtrack specifically. Just listen and tell me you don’t get emotional over their future with this.

Plus Que Ma Propre Vie (More Than My Own Life) — Carter Burwell ➼ ➼ ➼ Half Life - Instrumental Version — Imogen Heap

How are you supposed to pick a song to end the soundtracks? Thankfully, Imogen Heap had the foresight to release instrumental versions of each song on her Ellipse album. Such a thoughtful queen. We thank her by giving her the final word.

What’s this? No more? It’s okay. You do get bonus tracks, but not here.

I’ll be posting one more soundtrack, full of all the extras and little gems that I couldn’t quite place in any specific spot on the soundtracks. A whole other playlist full of Twilight-vibey songs for your listening enjoyment! Look out for that next week. Happy New Year!

#the twilight saga #twilight soundtrack

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mrsrcbinscn · 5 years ago

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Franny Robinson HC Infodump #4: Country and Bluegrass Music

hi, I’ll finally do a writeup on her work in jazz next but I’m in a country mood and was INSPIRED so oops country first

Word count: 2486

Dara & Danny

In 1991, Daniel Maitland (fc: Martin Sensmeier), an Indigenous Alaskan kid, moved from Alaska to Payne Lake, Georgia, with his parents and older and younger sisters after his father got a job opportunity in Atlanta, a reasonable commute away. Daniel spent two years being musical rivals with Franny Framagucci before he proposed they just combine their talents and perform together at talent shows and the county fair. The two were inseparable, musically, until Franny went to college at NYU and Daniel went to East Tennessee State.

They remained friends throughout college and reunited during winter and summer breaks to play together locally. Daniel was in Franny’s wedding party. He’s Wilbur’s godfather and is ‘Uncle Dan’, they’ve always remained close. They would write songs together usually through an internet connection except for when they could travel to write in person.

In 2009, Daniel once again was the one who suggested they officially collaborate. That’s when the bluegrass-country-traditional southern/Appalachian folk duo was born. They have released 9 albums together since they started releasing music under Dara & Danny.

One album, titled Molly’s Church, is almost entirely songs from the hymnal of the Church of the Nazarene in their hometown in Georgia, which was the church their friend Molly attended before her death. It was a “fuck you” response to them having received backlash from certain gatekeepers for a video of them singing Hank Williams’ I Saw The Light going viral. They were pissed two non-Christians were getting praise for performing the song. (Franny is a Buddhist and Daniel is an Indigenous Alaskan with traditional spiritual beliefs).

To the backlash, Franny said, and announced the dropping of this album on an Instagram Live Q & A, “It’s funny. Like. Christmas is such a part of mainstream American culture. I celebrate Christmas, my non-religious Maori husband celebrates Christmas, are y’all mad about that too? Christianity is so deeply woven into American culture and the history of American music, like I just -- its wild y’all are so mad. And because I like to poke an angry bear, our new album, Molly’s Church [...] and what really gets me is like - just because I ain’t Christian, don’t mean I’m ignorant about it either. I’m from the Bible Belt, y’all. I did go to church with my little friends some Sunday mornin’s as a child if I had a sleepover at their house. [...] One of my best friends, the lovely, talented, beautiful, late Molly Vaughn, who we named the album after, was a devout Christian. When I would cry, she’d always sing It Is Well With My Soul to me and play with my hair. You can’t tell me that because I’m not a Christian, that song ain’t special to me. I think of that song whenever I’m going through a hard time and my heart is at peace because at its core it's a song about looking at your situation and making peace with it, and finding the strength to move on to hopefully better days. At her husband’s request, I sang Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing at her funeral, okay? Like- [pause for annoyed exhaling] to suggest we have nothing but respect for these beautiful hymns is insulting. [...] Insulting not just to us, but to the hymns. They’re so beautiful that they have made an emotional impact on two non-Christian musicians. I think that’s wonderful and speaks to how lucky we are to live in a time where all sorts of sorts are able to learn from and share with each other. But that’s just us, I guess.

Every song on Molly’s Church has a special memory attached to it for either myself or Daniel, or in the case of Be Thou My Vision, it was Molly’s favorite hymn ever. We couldn’t name an album of hymns after her and not put that on it.”

The track list is as follows: [Spotify playlist]

I couldn’t find a folksy or bluegrassy version of Be Thou My Vision, which. I’m ANGRY about. Because when I was a practicing Nazarene Christian it was my favorite hymn, and I still find it beautiful but.

Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing

How Great Thou Art

Dwelling In Beulah Land

Be Thou My Vision

It Is Well With My Soul

I Saw The Light

Victory In Jesus

Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

Mine Eyes Have Seen The Glory

Holy, Holy, Holy

Another album, titled Something’s Rotten in The Sticks is purposely very dark. It’s largely covers of murder ballads and sad traditional folk songs from the American South and Appalachian Mountains, featuring original songs and covers of songs that explore the darker sides of more modern rural life like the opioid crisis, unemployment, poor education, poverty with no social safety nets, and more.

Franny openly admits that she wrote the original songs from a place of immense privilege. In an Instagram Live Q&A about the album she said, “These aren’t my exact lived experiences. But I feel like I have some right to talk about these stories because these are the things happening to my people, the good people of the town that took my mother in when she was a twenty-something year old refugee, and then helped raise me. I buried my first friend thanks to the Sacklers (the family whose pharma company produces oxycontin, who purposely spread misinformation about how its a safe drug and who pret-ty much engineered the opioid epidemic) in 1998. I just last month buried one of my best friends since elementary school after three narcan shots couldn’t save them.

Rural Southern folks and the problems they face are dear to my heart. [...] I know how lucky I am to have grown up in the rural south and ended up where I am today, in the privileged position I am in. [...] And I see the way people in the cities talk to and about these people and it’s fucking gross. You know nothing about these people and what their lives are like, and what they care about and worry about. I have always been proud to be Southern, just as I’m proud to be Cambodian. [...] Rural poor folks are the kindest, most loving, most resilient people, and I am not ashamed that I came from that.

This album… so our last album, Prodigal Children of Clayton County, Georgia, was a love letter to and about our hometown and the people of the rural south. This album is more of a ‘we see you.’ And it's also, I hope, an accessible way to start explaining the problems our people face to city elites that look down their noses at them. Like, I hope people can say in response to “I just don’t understand these people”, “hey, go listen to I Grabbed A Banjo (And You, The Pills), then talk to me.”

Daniel said in that same Q & A, “I was born in Alaska, I met Franny when I moved to her hometown in Georgia, in middle school, and we began playing music together in high school. I live in the Appalachian Mountains now, I studied Bluegrass and Old Time music at East Tennessee State University, in Johnson City. Now, I’m -- I’ve been lucky enough to make a living out of the music I love, but you know- like I said. I live in the Appalachian mountains, in Kentucky, in a rural area. I never left the rural south, since I came here, this has been my home. We’re privileged now, but had a few stars aligned differently, our high school friends’ lives would have been ours. We love the people of this region. Like Franny said, we both have two groups of people we are passionate about amplifying and equipped to amplify. Mine are our struggling rural folks, and Indigenous voices, and Franny don’t ever shut up about Cambodian or the rural south.”

“I really fucking don’t.” Franny quipped.

The track list is as follows: [Spotify link, the first 8 tracks are the songs they covered on the album and the rest are songs that fit the vibe of the original songs to give y’all a picture]

Knoxville Girl

I Grabbed A Banjo (And You, The Pills), an original song about the opioid epidemic that’s killed many of Franny and Daniel’s high school friends

Troubles, traditional folk song as popularized by Kilby Snow and Anna & Elizabeth

Red Dirt Girl (Emmylou Harris cover)

But I Ain't A Milton Boy/Girl , an original song about how in Milton (a bougie rich people part of Georgia) kids go to college and become doctors and lawyers while people from the song narrators’ town don’t bother learning to solve for X because all that waits for them is army recruiters, the power company, or the unemployment line [the male narrator, Daniel], and the female narrator [Franny] sings about how she was a smart girl who held her first baby when she was a baby herself, married two bad men she thought were good, and now she sells her ADHD pills to college kids to buy groceries, and how their high school aspirations crumbled easily, and the chorus is literally just narrators fantasizing about a decent standard of living and having decent opportunities and then going, “But I ain’t a Milton boy/girl, and that’s why I’m cryin’ today”

Deportee (Woody Guthrie song as covered by Dolly Parton)

Savannah, a song Franny wrote about the time her brother drove her down to Savannah when she got pregnant in high school so she could have an abortion three hours from home, where nobody local to them would be out front shouting at people needing abortions

Poor Folks Town (Porter Wagoner and Dolly Parton cover, instrumentation is modified to be a little melancholy to fit the rest of the album, but it is still a markedly happier song than the rest of the album except for Rich Kid Clothes)

Don’t Put Whiskey In My Water, an original song about a man nine years sober almost falling off the wagon when he’s laid off ahead of his teenage daughter’s high school graduation, including the line ‘don’t worry about Ole Miss, we’ll figure it out, somehow we always do, smart little girl like you can’t die in this town’

Don’t Take Your Guns To Town (Johnny Cash cover)

Pretty Polly

Down In The Willow Garden

Rich Kid Clothes, original song about a brother and sister super jazzed about their “new” clothes, hand-me-downs from the rich kids of the house their mama cleans, happiest song on the album

Health Insurance, an original song from the perspective of three different people, on in each verse, either dying or seriously suffering from solvable medical issues but because healthcare in America is trash they either can’t get help, or are going bankrupt trying to, that’s incredibly sarcastic including lyrics like ‘and I know I deserve to die for not having had a rich great-grandaddy, and who wants to see their daughter graduate college anyway’ , one of those sad songs with joyful instrumentation

Another album! Is titled The Rise And Fall of Jenny and Jamie, and is a concept album meant to be listened from start to finish that tells the story of a couple that falls in love, gets married, has a very dysfunctional marriage, and ultimately divorces. Think the energy of Alpha Desperation March by The Mountain Goats, and the entire Tallahasee album but especially No Children. The Dara & Danny album is a little less dark because the last few songs, about divorce, are like...happy.

Daniel, who had been divorced twice by the time they wrote the songs for that album, said “There is nothing sad about ending a marriage you’re miserable in or don’t want anymore. The two songs about the divorce, they’re happy because our characters are happy to be done with each other. It isn’t Tammy Wynette spelling D-I-V-O-R-C-E and lamenting the end of her marriage, instead, Jenny and Jamie realize their marriage is toxic not just for the other person, but for themself, and they’re relieved to not be married anymore.

Notable Dara & Danny performances and accomplishments:

They cover Whiskey Lullaby at many shows they do. A video from a 2016 show went semi-viral, and fans of the duo will show it as an example of “Peak Dara & Danny”

Nominated for the 2019 Grammy Award for Best American Roots Song, as the duo Dara & Danny, but ultimately Brandi Carlile won for ‘The Joke’

Franny was absolutely thrilled for her. She STANS Brandi Carlile and has written songs with her before.

In the post-Grammys interview, the interview asked Franny if she was disappointed and she was like “I would pay Brandi Carlile to punch me in the face, so no.”

The clip of Franny saying that went viral and embarrassed poor Wilbur

“To be honest, when I saw The Joke was nominated, I didn’t even bother writing a speech. Daniel and I were both just thrilled to be considered to be like, at her level.”

Nominated for the 2019 Grammy Award for Best American Roots Performance, as Dara & Danny, and again lost to “The Joke”, but again, did not care at all

Won the 2019 Grammy Award for Best Bluegrass Album as Dara & Danny, their fifth nomination in the category and second win

Nominated as Dara & Danny in the category Vocal Duo of The Year at the 2019 CMA awards.

Nominated for IBMA Album of the Year in 2014, 2015, 2017, and 2018

Won the 2019 IBMA for Album of the Year

Won the 2019 IBMA for Song of the Year

Franny is the first person of Cambodian descent to win a Grammy, an ASCAP award, an IBMA, or be inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame

Daniel is the first Alaskan Native to be inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame

Solo work

Franny’s used bluegrass-folk style music to write songs about the experiences of her mother and other relatives under the Khmer Rouge and in the civil conflict that preceded it. It leans a little away from #pure bluegrass but it includes mandolin, banjo, and even some traditional Cambodian instruments. It’s this blend of bluegrass instrumentation and traditional Cambodian instruments that on paper sounds like “Franny you’re crazy” but in practice its fuckin’ lit, y’all.

It’s as genius as The Hu, that Mongolian band that was like “what is we play metal music with guitars and a drum set and TRADITIONAL MONGOLIAN INSTRUMENTS?” Lit.

She did an entire album, Franny Sor Robinson Covers Kitty Wells [playlist] and that album gained Franny a ton of street cred in the country/bluegrass industry. She got a lot of respect for her Kitty Wells covers.

She’s released three solo albums of folksy-bluegrass-country style music that is original music she wrote the lyrics and music for.

Three solo albums, the Kitty Wells cover album, and nine Dara & Danny albums makes twelve country-bluegrass albums total Franny’s released, not counting featured artist appearances on other albums.

Notable Franny Sor Robinson awards, performances, and accomplishments in the country music sphere:

Franny sang ‘Born To Fly’ with Sara Evans once

Franny loves that song, it came out in 2000, when she was in college at NYU, and it was a staple song of hers to perform at any gigs she did in college

The day the United States legalized same-sex marriage, Franny was a supporting solo act for a friend of hers and she was like “I don’t know a better way to celebrate than by taking one of my favorite country love songs and making it better. And by that I mean gay.” By this point she’d been out as bisexual for years. So she sang Brad Paisley’s She’s Everything

Franny’s always kept the pronouns the same in songs she covers, so if it was a man’s song about a woman she’s always kept it about a “she.” Her cover of She Thinks I Still Care by George Jones was an instant hit when it was released on one of her solo albums

At an event honoring Randy Travis, Franny performed his hit Deeper Than The Holler for him

She also got to sing I Told You So with him once at another occasion and she damn near died

At the final show of George Strait’s final tour, Franny sang Carried Away with him and almost cried he is one of her!!! Idols!!! and during his encore, she joined him and all of the other special guests of the final concert to sing All My Exes Live In Texas

She’s been awarded and recognized by various organizations for the furthering of Asian-Americans in the arts in general, in music, and empowerment for both her work in jazz and country umbrella music

She’s performed at and been nominated for CMA awrds, ACM awards, and Americana Music Honors & Awards

She’s won Americana Music Awards

When challenged to prove she could yodel she fuckin got right up and sang Hank Williams’ Long Gone Lonesome Blues and nailed all the very technical yodeling, and its a thing she’s like, Known for doing, so she will perform it live pretty often

#&&...hc

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johannesviii · 5 years ago

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Top 12 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2012

We’ve now entered the first year in a trio of fantastic years for hit songs, so yeah, it’s a top 12.

You won’t like some entries on this particular list.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

Still working in Paris in 2012. Getting rapidly fed up with that. In constant stress to pay the rent because the landlord is bad and refuses to pay for stuff he should actually be responsible for in the flat. Other than that? Life was pretty good. “Having Money(tm)” meant being able to actually eat decent food and my health started to improve. Also I adopted a cat. That’s also the year I discovered the French branch of the SCP Foundation and started to contribute a lot to it. I also made this Tumblr blog!

I subscribed to a magazine called Elegy which always came with a music sample, which was great to discover new and vaguely obscure stuff.

Quite a lot of notable albums that year: Some Nights by fun., Night Visions by Imagine Dragons, Monkey Me by Mylène Farmer, Living Things by Linkin Park (with poorly chosen singles unfortunately imho), Revelations by mind.in.a.box., Babel by Mumford & Sons, Neverworld’s End by Xandria, and most importantly, the dreamy and emotional Valtari by Sigur Ros and the dark and excellent Hide & Seek by The Birthday Massacre (even though my year was mostly ruled by Automatic (VNV Nation) that came out the previous year in 2011). Actually having money meant I could finally own the albums I had wanted for years, and you can bet the fact that I owned zero The Birthday Massacre albums even though I had loved their stuff since 2008 was quickly rectified.

Nothing too annoying as far as non-elligible songs go this time, apart from the fact that more stuff from Mylo Xyloto (Coldplay) should have charted higher, and that I kinda regret the absence of La Vie Est Belle by MC Solaar. Not even sure I would have put it on the list, but still, great song.

Honorable mentions first!

Dusty Men (Saule) - Nothing to say about this. Pretty cool.

Young And Wild And Free (Snoop Dog) - That is a super chill and nice song.

Happy (C2C) - At the time, my brother was part-time DJ and opened a gig for these guys, and I was so proud of him! And I was also really glad to see some of their songs become hits. Very good stuff.

Midnight City (M82) - Borderline annoying or very good, depending on my mood.

Burn It Down (Linkin Park) - As I said, my opinion is that the singles from that album were poorly chosen, and Castle of Glass should have been the first one because let’s face it, that song is fantastic. Burn it Down isn’t bad at all, though.

Glad You Came (The Wanted) - I love how this song is written and it’s a lot of fun to hear every sentence starting with the end of the previous one.

I Cry (Flo Rida) - A ton of energy, very propulsive song.

Domino (Jessie J) - There’s a shit ton of weird metaphors in there but it’s still a very solid song.

Princess of China (Coldplay ft Rihanna) - I know I keep going on and on about Mylo Xyloto and how weird it was that the biggest hits from the album weren’t at all its best songs, but still, that’s really good stuff.

Ho Hey (The Lumineers) - The last cut from the list. This song is adorable and always puts me in a good mood. It’s so cute it almost feels mean to leave it out of this top. It’s also elligible for 2013 but I had even less room on that list, so...

And now, a top 12.

12 - Diamonds (Rihanna)

US: #94 / FR: #5

Was considering leaving it out of the list, decided there was no way I could leave it out, realised there was no room left, and added a slot. Welcome to a top 12 instead of 10. But yeah, love that song even if it’s no longer on my playlist nowadays.

11 - Bangarang (Skrillex)

US: Not on the list / FR: #92

Yes.

The other reason this list was turned into a top 12 was to put Skrillex on it.

I’m not even remotely sorry.

Make fun of dubstep all you like, that track is an explosion of sharp colors and edges, like an audio version of edgy street art. It’s almost impossible for me to listen to it without miming the shapes of the sound with energetic gestures and some hand-flapping. Perfect stim music.

10 - Die Young (Kesha)

US: #85 / FR: #78

This is no Take It Off but it’s the next best thing available, and it’s catchy and has a lot of fun little details (like the dirty socks line), and also, unlike the previous two, it’s still on my mp3 player, so yeah, 10th spot is fair. I love a party song with some sort of apocalyptic mindset.

9 - Skyfall (Adele)

US: Not on the list / FR: #2

I usually don’t give a damn about James Bond movies but I sincerely loved that one, with its stakes becoming smaller and smaller and more personal as the story progressed, and most importantly, it had some visually striking colors near the end, and this wonderful, wonderful song. As I already said about the previous Adele song, I only like slow, emotional songs when there’s some energy behind them or at least some sort of dramatic atmosphere, and boy that’s some quality Drama(tm) right there.

8 - A l’Ombre (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #86

If C’est Une Belle Journée was the “last great Mylène Farmer song”, A l’Ombre might just be her best single released post 2003, at least imho. It’s only #8 because the general quality of hit songs in 2012 was insanely high, otherwise it would be way higher.

It’s about losing your identity and as you might already know I’m a sucker for that theme ; also the music video features Olivier de Sagazan, an artist who puts layers of clay, paint and mud on his own head and body to sculpt new faces, and it’s disturbing in all the best ways (obvious body horror tw for the link even if it’s clay and very abstract. Also there’s wolves. I’m just saying because I have one friend who’s scared of them).

7 - Thrift Shop (Macklemore)

US: Not on the list (#1 the very next year obviously) / FR: #7

Finally, a song about my favorite type of clothes: the cheap, comfy, unfashionable ones. With a great beat! And really fun lyrics! And a great music video! And a couple of actually insightful lines! Can’t even imagine how happy I would have been if this had dropped 3 years earlier back in university when I was still called “the hobo”.

I was still wearing that same old black coat from 2006 in 2012, mind you.

6 - Lights (Ellie Goulding)

US: #5 / FR: Not on the list

This song looks fantastic and, just like Fireflies by Owl City which to me looks exactly like fireflies flying in the night, it’s incredibly satisfying to hear a song titled “Lights” which looks like a series of pulsing semi-distant lights in the dark.

5 - We Are Young (fun.)

US: #3 / FR: #21

As far as favorite bands go, the 2000s charts gave me Linkin Park, Placebo, The Killers and My Chemical Romance. The 2010s charts were a bit less generous and only gave me fun., who’s own arrogance killed them right when they were at the top of their game and that’s nothing short of a tragedy considering how f█cking good their few hit songs were.

I guess your band either dies a hero, or it lives long enough to see itself become Imagine Dragons.

Oh well. At least we had some of the best songs (if not the best) of the 2010s while they were there.

4 - Turn Me On (David Guetta ft Nicki Minaj)

US: #35 / FR: #57

Ooooooh I bet some of you are furious this is placed 5 slots above Adele.

Listen. You know I love dance music, especially when it’s aggressive or with a darker edge. And yeah, that sounded like a lost Benassi Bros track, and it had a great (but way too short) rap bridge. You also know how literal-minded I am. So when I first heard Nicki Minaj’s voice with a ton of electronic distorsion saying “Make me come alive, come on and turn me on”, I didn’t picture anything sexy, but a robot. I’d rather pretend songs are about interesting things instead of generic supposedly sexy club anthems.

PLOT TWIST! As it turns out, the music video, instead of featuring some generic club stuff, featured everything I wanted and more: a weird, steampunk world of robots in which an inventor just created an android that looks way more alive than all the previous ones, and they all become jealous, and break his door down. With an axe.

Framing is everything. I absolutely love it. What a gift.

3 - It’s Time (Imagine Dragons)

US: #91 / FR: Not on the list

Believe it or not, I used to love Imagine Dragons. I still love the album Night Visions, which, apart from a couple of duds (like Demons, which is dreadful), is damn good. I don’t know what happened after that. I really don’t. Everything became slow, and heavy, and kind of boring. It worked fine for Radioactive, because that was a post-apocalyptic song, but when you try to apply the same formula to motivational songs, it simply doesn’t work.

Oh well. At least, for now, there was It’s Time. The music video, with people walking through a wasteland, is the perfect imagery for that song. Rebuild something new, but don’t change who you are. Things might get broken, but we’ll make art with them. We’ll plant trees over the graves of people who burnt them. Positive pessimism only, lads.

2 - Good Time (Owl City & Carly Rae Jepsen)

US: #38 / FR: #40

The most innocent song about parties ever written. It IS always a good time when you listen to it. It reminded me of the parties at the campus at my job training the previous year, where we’d make dumb contests like “best disguise but if you buy anything you’re disqualified” and I made Freddy Krueger claws in papercraft and a friend won with his “emperor Nero” disguise which was basically a toga made with his bed sheets, a crown made with ivy he found outside, and him looking incredibly punchable on purpose.

It’s an incredibly cute song, it never outstays its welcome, always puts me in a good mood AND gives me some much needed energy. You already know I loved Owl City to begin with, even if I wanted him to have way more hit songs, and Carly Rae Jepsen was going to end on my playlist eventually, with several fantastic future songs. I’m glad this was a hit. They both deserved it.

1 - Some Nights (fun.)

US: #14 / FR: Not on the list (why. how. f█ck off)

There’s drums! There’s ‘woho-woho’s! There’s guitars! It’s a perfect pop-rock earworm that never ever gets annoying! There’s a goddamn solo made with an autotuned version of the singer yelling “aaaaaaa”!! What more can you possibly want from a hit song?

I’m saying this right now: this is my favorite elligible hit song of the entire decade. Spoilers, I know. The #1s for 2013 and 2014 both come really close, but they aren’t as anthemic as this one. What did we do to deserve something this f█cking good in that day and age? I have no clue, but clearly, we didn’t deserve more of that, because these guys split up very quickly.

Anyone know some kind of magic spell to bring them back for an encore?

Next up: The Year When Just About Everyone Dropped An Excellent Album

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #long post

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iicewitch · 4 years ago

Text

✨ bleed magic

a playlist for @glitchedwitch link to playlist: here tracklist and favorite lyrics below:

1. poniko’s room [lights on] - yume nikki ost instrumental 2. distant past - everything everything Take me to the distant past, I want to go back Save me from the distant past, I wanna survive Canine fangs about my throat You're bleeding over Eden like a goat Tall blade dripping in every field I'm blooming like a fuming human shield 3. president heartbeat - everything everything Were you born in a cave now? Do you live in a cage now? If you burst into flame now Will they call you a human being? And your spine is a glass spire And your flesh is the concrete And your blood is the sewer And your skin is the city wall 4. orange caramel - catallena The small, dancing Catellena (Red Sun) Without knowing, I’m falling for you Chic and proud, Catallena (Red Sun) Jutti meri oye hoi hoi, I’m bewitched 5. wings - little mix Mama told me not to waste my life, She said spread your wings my little butterfly Don't let what they say keep you up at night And they can't detain you 'Cause wings are made to fly 6. eighth wonder - lemon demon Extra clever. Earthbound spirit. Ghost in the form, of a mongoose. And I have hands. And I have feet. I'll never die, I am a freak. Hello, I'm here, I'm living in the wall, I know I might be small, but I am a... Freak 7. the will of one - the protomen As I walk through the city streets These frightened people watching me pass There is an evil that holds them here Yet they won't try breaking its grasp But if I stay here with you Then I will leave them to their doom Do not say this is how it has to be You do no better than the fools of this burning city 8. father of death - the protomen What have I done? Though I did not pull the trigger, I built the gun That he holds in his hand Last night I dreamed I climbed to the top of a mountain of metal For miles I could see the destruction of man If the shadow blocks out the sun... there will be Light! If it stays 'till the sun is set... there will be Light! If the sun never shows its face again... there will be Light! No matter how dark the city gets... there will be... 9. i’m a hex girl - hex girls With this little cobweb potion You'll fall into dark devotion If you ever lose affection I can change your whole direction I'm a Hex Girl and I'm gonna put a spell on you I'm gonna put a spell on you 10. free - mother mother Love, let my anger Turn into peace Love, let the doves cry out in the streets Love, let the poison bleed out of me Love, let my love inside go free A bloody war Behind my eyes I come out right on the other side 11. the sticks - mother mother I'll be gone for good Out there with the creatures in the woods And I'll be understood Make friends with the pagans in the nude I'll be no different Just a little less interested In all that new world shit 'Cause there ain't no new world in the sticks 12. infinitesimal - mother mother There's a million, billion, trillion stars but I'm down here low Fussin' over scars on my soul, on my soul, on my soul, on my soul On my soul, I am so infinitesimal, oh They say it started with a big bang But they say it was really just a small thing Strangely I'm feeling like a big bang 'Cause I've been making something out of nothing 13. burning pile - mother mother My mama, lonely maid Got her buns in the oven, and she never got laid My papa, renaissance man Sailed away and he never came back again All my troubles on a burning pile All lit up and I start to smile If I, catch fire then I change my aim Throw my troubles at the pearly gates 14. build god then we’ll talk - panic at the disco Raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses It's sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses At the shade of the sheets and before all the stains And a few more of your least favorite things 15. life is looking up - forgive durden Could this be the day I've waited for When all my hard work doesn't go ignored? Maybe she was right, the will realize I can change the world open us their eyes They know I am more than some eager blood Not some average bones, I believe in love I just want to prove I deserve this gift I will change the world, maybe this is it 16. bleed magic - idkhbtfm Crawling up your skin Potions pills and medicines To drain you And bleed your magic out 17. the oracles on the delphi express - the dear hunter You've been stuck in the middle of patience and animosity. With a lust for solidity, and a cryptic history, your luck's running thin. 18. chattering lack of common sense - GHOST Wait, what is going on here? I'm a little out of sorts I've been contemplating fallacies and things that scare me "Why not try to let go?" I've been feeling out of order I'm allowing change, so take a good look; This is me This is what I've come to be This is what I've come to be 19. daydream - j-hope Wishing on a sky Wishing on a scar If there’s the sun I want to dream Wishing on a sky Wishing on a scar If there’s the moonlight I don’t want to wake up from it 20. witch flight - yume nikki OST instrumental 21. wiggle - cosmo sheldrake Hey ho, where did you go Did you wriggle or roll Did you giggle or grumble through Tom Thumb from where did you come Did you toggle or run Did you skip, trip, or stumble through 22. counting stars - one republic I’m old, but I'm not that old Young, but I'm not that bold And I don't think the world is sold I'm just doing what we're told Lately I been, I been losing sleep Dreaming about the things that we could be 23. urban caravan - fake type Because there’s a surely a bunch of fresh possibilities out there If I don’t try it out, ain’t that just a waste? In the end, it looks like the world is so wide that curiosity is inexhaustible There’s war songs but also songs of peace, The feelings remain just the same Keep your unwavering faith’s compass close to your heart 24. counting cards - rainbow kitten surprise Jokes we tell to laugh, dear Laugh to hold back the pain Pain is in the mind, dear Stars are much the same Gone in the time it takes the light to reach In time you'll find We're blind to the things we don't believe Paint me red, paint me red Picture that, picture that Picture us and God shaking hands just because we can 25. god of marie - MASA This is our creed, aimed at a God that’s gone all floaty. We’re pure! We’re fans of Marie. We’re not doing anything wrong! Hm? Are you a fan of Marie, too? The stoned Reverend and his crazy worshippers Are surrounded by smoke in the cathedral The highest god has come down. We give thanks to ganja! 26. bad apple - nomico Will I exist in a place like this? Will I exist in a time like this? If someone like me can change, if I can change, will I turn white? Am I dreaming now? Or seeing nothing? My words are useless even if I speak I'm just tired of being sad, I should go on without feeling anything 27. my songs know what you did in the dark - fall out boy All the writers keep writing what they write Somewhere another pretty vein just dies I've got the scars from tomorrow and I wish you could see That you're the antidote to everything except for me 28. magia - kalafina If I can follow my path without wavering, I care not if my heart shatters. I wish I had a spell to stand against the sadness that's ever before my eyes Back when I loved books about wonderland where a captive sun shines, I believed the fairy tales that told me all my wishes would come true 29. immortals - fall out boy I'll be the watcher (watcher) of the eternal flame, I'll be the guard dog of all your fever dreams, Sometimes the only pay off for having any faith, Is when it's tested again and again everyday, 30. the last of the real ones - fall out boy 'Cause you're the last of a dying breed Write our names in the wet concrete I wonder if your therapist knows everything about me I'm here in search of your glory There's been a million before me 31. interweb - poppy And the world feels smaller When it's at my fingers So let's keep talking Tell me what day is it Can't turn it off yet, I'm wrapped up with it So let's keep talking Tell me what day is it I caught you in my interweb I caught you in my internet Well, maybe I'm a spider 32. armed and ready - casey lee williams Remember all too well My time of living hell The night my enemy would conquer But now I've been set free Lived through the tragedy You'll wish you'd killed me, now I'm stronger! Feel like I'm finally unbroken Oh, now I'm back from the dead Strength back, confidence growing Out of my way 'Cause I'm armed and ready (armed and ready) 33. red like roses part 2 - casey lee williams I couldn't take it, couldn't stand another minute Couldn't bear another day without you in it All of the joy that I had known for all my life Was stripped away from me the minute that you died I wanna tell you that you're all that ever mattered Want you to know that, for eternity, I'm shattered I tried so hard just to protect you, but I failed to And in a prison of abandonment I've jailed you 34. lapis lazuli - zach callison She wanted to leave this place And get herself back in space Lapis Lazuli You fled into the bottom of the sea Lapis Lazuli You were so mad but then you came around to me 35. unreasonable behavior - OFF ost instrumental 36. devil’s train - the lab rats Or I can be the bee in your bonnet, your best friend forever Two peas in a pod flockin' like birds of a feather And you never have a need to beg, work, or steal If all this sounds worth it then let's make a deal Sitting on the tracks waiting for the night train Looking down the road, ain't never gonna go back Listen for the whistle through the wind and raindrop Who's gonna ride the devil's train tonight? 37. the room where it happens - leslie odom jr No one really knows how the Parties get to yesssss (Parties get to yesssss) The pieces that are sacrificed in (Ev’ry game of chesssss) Ev’ry game of chesssss We just assume that it happens (Assume that it happens) But no one else is in (The room where it happens) The room where it happens We want our leaders to save the day— But we don’t get a say in what they trade away We dream of a brand new start— But we dream in the dark for the most part Dark as a tomb where it happens 38. the perfect fit - dresden dolls I used to be the bright one Smart as a whip Funny how you slip so far when Teachers don't keep track of it Can't you just fix it for me? It's gone berserk Fuck, I'll give you anything If you can make the damn thing work 39. million years - nico vega You better learn from a man who's afraid to dance With a witch like me, and a wicked trance, 'cause A spider bite is a natural wound, but a dagger in the back is a plastic tomb Ain't nobody knows the trouble I've seen, but they know the sound of their own damn scream, well Lady bug! Bring me news, or a soul so rich and a crystal pool Let it burn, let it burn, singing songs of truth 40. i want you - savage garden Anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes And I am taken to a place Where your crystal mind and magenta feelings Take up shelter in the base of my spine 41. pursuing my true self - shihoko hirata Loading loading loading Quickly reaching maximum capacity Warning warning warning Gonna short circuit my identity We are living our lives Abound with so much information 42. backside of the tv - persona 4 ost Lost destiny Far outcry They hear you no more Numb feeling Whole dizziness Deep scars No pain No sanity Body aching Control your own fate Invisible Real enemy Bring your mind Deep Down A moment of truth, tell me what's really happening Their rhyme is nothing but you've got everything Bro, you've got everything but you don't know anything 43. rivers in the desert - shoji meguro A river in a dry land The last ace in a lost hand When the hope of new beginnings burned our feet Now we need it: A heartbeat for a tin man An oasis in a singed land Remind us what we're here for: Creating new life Creating rivers in the desert 44. again - yui I'm wanting to scream that we're living to make our wish come true can you hear it? We won't be able to take it safe, because we have no place to go back to I'm always grateful for your kindness, that's why I want to be strong I'll welcome friend or foe for the sake of moving forward You still have too long a life left to erase these feelings completely, don't you think? I want to redo the things I left undone, So let's go, one more time! 45. komm susser todd - arianne It all returns to nothing, it just keeps Tumbling down Tumbling down Tumbling down It all returns to nothing, I just keep Letting me down Letting me down Letting me down 46. the spider and the lamps - forgive durden I'm the Spider, Crawl inside her! They don't understand, This is their last chance, No more idle hands, I'll destroy the lamps, Then they'll know, Whose in control. 47. here comes a thought - estelle and aj michalka You're losing sight You're losing touch All these little things seem to matter so much That they confuse you That I might lose you And it was just a thought, just a thought, just a thought, just a thought, just a thought It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay We can watch, we can watch, we can watch, we can watch them go by From here, from here, from here 48. black paper moon - tommy heavenly6 Don't be scared of the pumpkin carriage the witch drew Cuz it can show in your eyes A symbol rises to the top on the card I dropped in the sweet crimson jam Your destiny - if you wish Any sort of world Can be yours 49. to zanarkand - ffx ost instrumental 50. poniko’s room [lights off] - yume nikki instrumental

#gene's playlists

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callunavulgari · 5 years ago

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“Listen to the sound of my heart beat slow Yeah, my heart's like yours, my heart's like yours Listen to the sound, oh it feels like home When our hearts beat slow together.”

Heather’s Top 50 Songs of 2019!

dark night — philip sheppard // curse of the i-5 corridor — neko case // way down we go — kaleo // almost — hozier // dancing in a room — ezi // epic (pt ii) — anais mitchell & justin vernon // spanish sahara — foals // obstacles — syd matters // tom thumb — bitter ruin // wolves of the revolution — the arcadian wild // epic (pt iii) — anais mitchell, justin vernon // the spine — darren korb & ashley barrett // don’t think twice — hikaru utada // face my fears — hikaru utada // waves — chloe moriondo // ashes — bear mccreary // wake up, moving on — kevin penkin // paper boats — darren korb & ashley barrett // call off your ghost — dessa // power over me — dermot kennedy // a future for the krogan — christopher lennertz // mine — bazzi // bite — charlie cunningham // wait for me — andre de shields // birds — imagine dragons & elisa // crazy — patsy cline // bury a friend — billie eilish // the seed — aurora // eleventh dimension — julian casablancas // sunflower — post malone // what’s up danger — blackway, black caviar // bad guy — billie eilish // elevate — dj khalil // must’ve been — chromeo // dark matter — les friction // lark of my heart — eliza rickman // dancing on my own — robyn // hungover in the city of dust — autoheart // season of the witch — lana del rey // bird song — juniper vale // paradise valley — honey & the sting // my hallelujah — autoheart // furthest star — dirt poor robins // play dirty — kevin mcallister // it’s quiet uptown — kelly clarkson // pas de deux — michael abels // i got 5 on it — michael abels, luniz, mi // one day more — les mis cast // into the unknown — idina menzel, aurora // show yourself — idina menzel & evan rachel wood

short version | long version | youtube | spotify unwrapped

long version will lead you to the 165 song, 10 hour and 34 minute playlist which i’ve been slowly adding to since january. short version will lead you to what you see here. youtube will lead you to the playlist you see here but... wait for it... on youtube. mostly because i know not everyone has spotify. spotify unwrapped will lead you to a mixture of the long and the short version, which is pretty bloated with austin wintory songs because those are what i listen to when i write or read usually.

the long version is much improved in length from last year, which was 261 songs and 17 hours, but that’s mostly because august through december i was pretty bad at keeping track of the music that caught my attention. whoops.

and under the cut is me ranting about music, like usual. enjoy!

i. dark night || philip sheppard *instrumental*

This was my absolute favorite from the Detroit: Become Human soundtrack. I tended to prefer Kara’s songs most because they were gorgeous and haunting and just plain fantastic. Connor’s songs were mostly listened to while writing for the fandom, but Kara’s songs were what I kept coming back to. ii. curse of the i-5 corridor || neko case So I left home and faked my ID I fucked every man that I wanted to be

Sometime in January, I fell in love with eighteen wheels on an uphill climb, which was a 91k hank/connor wip by blackeyedblonde. Hank’s a trucker. Connor occasionally dabbles in sex work to keep himself alive and moving. But like, it’s so much more than that? Anyway, at some point the author linked to this song. I think it may have been on tumblr, but I fell in love with it and neko case.

iii. way down we go || kaleo Oh, 'cause they will run you down, down 'til the dark Yes and they will run you down, down 'til you fall And they will run you down, down 'til you go Yeah, so you can't crawl no more

Speaking of Detroit: Become Human (sensing a theme?), this fanvideo is one of my favorite things in the world. I had it and a couple other fantastic videos like it playing in the background while writing for the fandom. This video, in fact, is what finally made me go in search of the game. iv. almost (sweet music) || hozier The same kind of music haunts her bedroom I'm almost me again, she's almost you Wasteland, Baby was a thing that happened to me. Which would have already been enough to get it on this list, but I also listened to it on repeat while writing my first DBH fic. v. dancing in a room || ezi I know you notice, notice me I might be broken but it's not showing It's how I'm copin', copin' I don’t actually remember where this one came from. I know that sometime when March is still a bit cold, I listened to a playlist on spotify that I can’t find for the life of me. It had a lot of the songs that are about to come up on it, and before I started exclusively listening to audiobooks while I got ready for work in the morning, I listened to random fantastic playlists. vi. epic (pt ii) || anais mitchell & justin vernon And suddenly Hades was only a man with a taste of nectar upon his lips

Hadestown was also a thing that happened to me. This song makes me fucking weak. All of the lyrics are great, the whole song is gorgeous and haunting and so perfect it hurts, but those lyrics above are just *chefs kiss* vii. spanish sahara || foals Forget the horror here Leave it all down here It's future rust and it's future dust

Sometime during the spring, I played Life Is Strange and had a million and one feelings. I played both options for the ending and each one was gut wrenching in its own way. I think I still prefer the one where Chloe lives, but this song has literally haunted me ever since.

viii. obstacles || syd matters Someday we will foresee obstacles Through the blizzard, through the blizzard And this is the song that plays if you make the other choice. Again, SUPER TRAGIC, but also you know. You get to keep your girlfriend. ix. tom thumb || bitter ruin And I know I'll be burnt, but I can stand a flame or two to catch you

This was one of the songs that I discovered on the mysterious spotify playlist! Something I’d forgotten: I discovered Hadestown off of that playlist. Thanks, mystery playlist. You gave me all the ear worms. x. wolves of the revolution || the arcadian wild You're trapped inside of your own heart It's a spectators sport, just play your part You guessed it - from the mystery playlist. They’re all very reminiscent of the Hadestown soundtrack. Vaguely eerie, kind of haunting, a lot beautiful. Makes you feel like you’re a forest creature living on the edge of the swamp. You know: the aesthetic. xi. epic (pt iii) || anais mitchell & justin vernon Where is the treasure inside your chest? Where is your pleasure? Where is your youth? Where is the man with his hat in his hands? Who stands in the garden with nothing to lose I thought about only including this one instead of including part 2, but in the end I loved both too much to choose. Hadestown, man. I hope it comes to Ohio at some point in the near future. xii. the spine || darren korb & ashley barrett Fingers tied themselves in knots around the heart It beats in time I see the spine of the world

I have never actually played Transistor, which is fucking tragic because I listened to basically the entire soundtrack over and over again for the entire year. There’s at least one more song from the game on this list, but it is really wonderful. Haunting vocals, perfect for writing or reading or driving. xiii. don’t think twice || hikaru utada I'm only crying 'cause I never dreamed It'd take this long, it'd take this long Hi, I played Kingdom Hearts 3 this year. And I cried so fucking much. I had some issues with the game, namely how the ending was such a clusterfuck of boss fight after boss fight and emotional character arc resolutions so it all felt kind of rushed? But the gameplay was superb, the selfie thing was ingenious, and I did cry at least six different times while I was stressing my way through fighting boss fights with blurry eyes. xiv. face my fears || hikaru utada Oh, let me face, let me face, let me face my fears Won't be long, won't be long, I'm almost here Watch me cry all my tears

So like, if you care at all you’ve probably already seen it, but the opening cutscene of KH3 was to Face My Fears, and I’m gonna be real honest here - I didn’t like it at first. I moaned and groaned about Skrillex and how it was nothing like Simple and Clean or Passion/Sanctuary. But it grew on me to the point that it was actually my most listened to song this year. Watch me cry all my tears, indeed. xv. waves || chloe moriondo Make me into more than a goner Perhaps a little bit stronger Thicker skin, less needy, And maybe to not bruise so damn easily, but you can't

I don’t remember where I found this song either? Maybe mystery playlist but probably not. Either way, it’s pretty and uh, I too want to slow the world down. xvi. ashes || bear mccreary -instrumental- Man, oh man, let’s talk about how good of a game God of War was. It was so good, guys. The game play was excellent, the world was gorgeous, and the storyline was interesting. And the music went so, so hard. Between Horizon Zero Dawn and the new God of War, I have basically been ruined for all other games. Also, dad protagonists, am I right? xvii. wake up, moving on || kevin penkin -instrumental-

Did not actually realize this was part of a soundtrack to a game? But it’s very lilty. Has that French quirky romcom vibe to it and I listened to the crap out of it in early summer. xviii. paper boats || darren korb & ashley barrett The river always finds the sea So helplessly Like you find me

Another Transistor song. I really love Ashley Barrett’s voice. I should probably at some point play the game. xix. call off your ghost || dessa I hope she makes you happy It's just a lot to ask to watch your future walking past me

This song played during one of the weather segments of Welcome to Night Vale and made me remember how much I absolutely adore Dessa. Her voice is fantastic and I love the way that her songs flow. Also, this song gives me personal feels. xx. power over me || dermot kennedy I wanna be king in your story I wanna know who you are I want your heart to beat for me I have absolutely no idea where I heard this one. It might have been playing on the radio while I was driving somewhere? I played it a lot during the summer. xxi. a future for the krogan || christopher lennertz -instrumental- It’s been a while since I played Mass Effect, but this song came up on a writing playlist and I have been listening to it ever since.

xxii. mine || bazzi Running circles 'round my mind Even when it's rainy all you ever do is shine

Shrug emoji.

xxiii. bite || charlie cunningham Stone cold faces let you keep you poisoning your blood Cut you open then you'll see poison in your blood

Also shrug emoji? Most of the time when I’m doing these there’s fandom connatations to half the songs, but these year I wasn’t heavily invested in a whole lot of fandoms so these are mostly just songs I listened to while I was a) driving, b) in the shower, or c) while reading.

xxiv. wait for me || andre de shields Ain't no compass, brother, there ain't no map Just a telephone wire and the railroad track Keep on walking and you don't look back

And here’s the last Hadestown song on the list. It’s just... really good, okay. Really, really good. xxv. birds || imagine dragons & elisa Seasons, they will change Life will make you grow Dreams will make you cry, cry, cry

I think there’s been an Imagine Dragons song on here every year since they came out with Radioactive. This is the only song of theirs I heard this year, but pairing their voice with Elisa’s was fucking genius because this song makes me feel the chorus in my soul. xxvi. crazy || patsy cline You'd love me as long as you wanted And then some day You'd leave me for somebody new I was at a bar, and my friend has just announced that he was getting married to his girlfriend of ten years in Vegas, on a ferris wheel, by an Elvis impersonator. We started listening to Elvis songs to figure out what he’d play, and then we got distracted listening to a bunch of old love songs. This one is more heartbreak than love, but I’ve always loved Patsy’s voice. xxvii. bury a friend || billie eilish Bury a friend, try to wake up

I was really slow to the Billie Eilish train. One of my friends recommended her music and it’s just so chaotic and fantastic that I can’t believe I didn’t fall for it earlier. This song in particular was a Billy Hargrove song for a while.

xxviii. the seed || aurora Feed me sunlight, feed me air In a place where nothing matters Feed me truth and feed me prayer Aurora’s got one of those truly lovely voices. Also I like songs about how the earth should eat humanity.

xxix. eleventh dimension || julian casablancas 'Cause no one really cares or wonders why anymore Oh, I got music, coming out of my hands and feet and kisses

Back in 2011, when I was still watching Doctor Who, someone made this video which blew my little heart away. I rediscovered this song while we were driving back to Ohio from our annual beach trip and managed to get everyone in the car hooked on it for weeks afterwards.

xxx. sunflower || post malone You're a sunflower I think your love would be too much

Into the Spiderverse! Was so! Good!

xxxi. what’s up danger || blackway, black caviar I like it all on the edge just like you, ayy I like tall buildings so I can leap off of 'em

So like, that scene, right? The one that had everyone losing their collective shit? I saw gifs before I watched the movie, and goddamn, it lived up to every single expectation I ever had. I made Nick watch it with me, and he groaned a lot because honestly he is not the biggest fan of super hero movies, but even he admitted that it was the best damn Spiderman movie we’d ever seen. It was powerful and clever and heartwarming and funny and the music and animation were both fan-freaking-tastic.

xxxii. bad guy || billie eilish I'm the bad guy, duh Can you believe that I actually didn’t know about this video until @nijuukoo did art? I mean, I’d definitely heard it and liked it before hand, but the fucking video, man. That pic of Vanitas showering Ven in hearts is still the background of my desktop.(It would have been the one of him sitting on Ansem while he’s doing push ups, but it didn’t work with my screen)

xxxiii. elevate || dj khalil I jump off this building to save these civilians My strength and my honor is trusted by children I'm ready and willing to fight all these villains No chaos or killings, my style is so brilliant I really, really liked the music to Into the Spiderverse.

xxxiv. must’ve been || chromeo I must've been high when I met you Out of my mind when I decided to love you

There was a Harringrove fic that I read during the summer that made the connection between this song and modern AU Billy and Steve. I thought it was @lymricks but maybe not. Either way - I listened to this for like three weeks straight while reading about Billy and Steve flirting at the pool. Ha! Found it - you, through half-shut eyes by @brawlite.

xxxv. dark matter || les friction Bring me your soul, bring me your hate In my name you will create Bring me your fear, bring me your pain You will destroy in my name

There was an Outsider fanvid. I tripped over it.

xxxvi. lark of my heart || eliza rickman Lark of my heart - dance in the dark and say you love me Lark of my heart - right from the start and say you love me

This one was another that I found on a random playlist while I was reading and I just love the rhythm of the song. I sat right up and favorited that sucker before I lost it.

xxxvii. dancing on my own — robyn I'm just gonna dance all night I'm all messed up, I'm so outta line Stilettos on broken bottles I'm spinning around in circles Okay. Okay, okay, okay. So there was that tumblr post that went around a while back where a bunch of subway riders who just got back from a Robyn concert started singing while waiting for the train and I just. It makes me so fucking happy. Like, I remember the night I clicked on that video. I’d never heard the song before, but I didn’t need to because the level of fucking joy and unity in that video literally brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes, humans are fucking beautiful.

xxxviii. hungover in the city of dust || autoheart We’re hungover in the city of dust So let our minds run round in circles While we figure it all out

I really adore autoheart. They did Sailor Song, which was on my Top Songs post last year and honestly, according to the plays on spotify, probably should have still been on my list this year, but alas - this is the abridged version. Every song I’ve heard from them I’ve loved. The entire bridge makes me shiver, it’s just so wonderfully executed.

xxxix. season of the witch || lana del rey You've got to pick up every stitch, The rabbits running in the ditch, Oh no, must be the season of the witch In October I watched Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark and it was super spooky and really great and probably one of the best movies I saw this year? But like, also this cover by Lana del Rey was the best damn thing about it. Someone made a witchy video that was great too but I can’t find it now. xl. bird song || juniper vale Listen to the sound of my heart beat slow Yeah, my heart's like yours, my heart's like yours Listen to the sound, oh it feels like home When our hearts beat slow together

I really like Juniper Vale. I found them last year when I stumbled across their cover of Singing In The Rain, and they churn out some really quality music.

xli. paradise valley || honey & the sting So you'll have to hold me down Could you just hold me down build the levees higher This song was always going to make it to 2019′s list too. It’s just too damn good. Thank you, Wolf 359. You’ve given me a gift that is still giving three years later.

xlii. my hallelujah || autoheart Thought I found a new religion In you who was I kidding There's nowhere to go Except for under quarantine

More Autoheart! Just listen to that melody! That flow!

xliii. furthest star || dirt poor robins We'll find our hiding place Clear across the Milky Way Beyond the galaxy On the furthest star that we see

This song reminds me a lot of Muse back in their early days. I was half-napping on the couch listening to, you guessed it, a random playlist on spotify, and I liked this song enough to surface from the edges of slumber to favorite it so I could find it again.

xliv. play dirty || kevin mcallister Would you get the Devil this dance? Would you be a part of his plans? Now you got some blood on your hands

There was a fanvid. It was good and basically caught me up on Preacher. The song is also really catchy.

xlv. it’s quiet uptown || kelly clarkson Look at where we are Look at where we started Last year, this was on my list because of an EOS 10 playlist. This year it’s on my list because I still fucking love it. Also I saw Hamilton this year and it was really phenomenal. I cannot get over how good it was.

xlvi. pas de deux || michael abels -instrumental- I watched Us in late October/early November and this entire sequence was really lovely and eerie and just all around fantastic. I loved the mirroring throughout the movie, and it all came together in this stunning confrontation.

xlvii. i got 5 on it || michael abels, luniz, mi I got five on it

Us had a really good soundtrack.

xlviii. one day more || les mis cast One more dawn One more day One day more!

About a month ago I got to see Les Mis in theater and I cried like six or seven times. That is not an exaggeration I was a fucking mess. As much as I’ve adored every musical I have seen up until this point, I have never had a musical affect me the way this one did. It was incredibly powerful and the experience was worth every damn cent.

xlix. into the unknown || idina menzel, aurora Everyone I've ever loved is here within these walls I'm sorry, secret siren, but I'm blocking out your calls

Like, I know it’s cool to hate on Frozen because it got so popular, but Idina Menzel is a queen with the voice of an angel and I’m sorry, but the movies were good. Also, Elsa is very, very pretty and this shit was very, very gay.

l. show yourself || idina menzel & evan rachel wood Come to me now Open your door Don't make me wait One moment more

Sorry, I don’t make the rules. Elsa gets all the best numbers. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, folks. Happy listening.

#heather says what #fanmixes #2019 #music makes the world go round #new year's memes

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