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Starter for @lindseyxgallagher
Where: The Pink Lady
When: Present
Julie could have agreed to have this meeting at the salon, but ultimately decided against it. The salon was an almost sacred place in her life. It was the place that started her career and one of the few places where a teacher believed in her and thought she could be something. Julie wanted the salon to feel like that for the girls; with the tensions rising in town, and the air of distrust, neutral territory seemed best for this meeting. She hadnât ordered yet, instead she waited at one of the empty tables, and rose at the sight of Lindsey Gallagher. CMO of Obsidian Holdings. It felt almost like a compliment being asked to meet, but Julie wasnât quite taken by the allure of it all. If anything she felt wary. âMiss Gallagher, glad to take the conversation away from the screen,â she said, hand held out. âHave you had a chance to come here, yet?â
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Starter for @lindseyxgallagher
When: Present
Where: Joel's House
After months worth of back-and-forth, Joel managed to sell his San Diego penthouse and purchase a Spanish bungalow in Paxton's Eastmark neighborhood. It was a coincidence that his house was only a few blocks away from Obsidian's La Hacienda Hotel. As much as Joel wished to put distance between himself and his work, it seemed next to impossible. Then, he remembered that some parts of Obsidian weren't that bad -- like being near Lindsey again. Childhood friends turned college classmates, and now workmates. Amidst Joel's skyscraper of moving boxes, Lindsey sat on his couch like queen of their own little city.
Joel took an experimental bite from a slice of Prairie Pies white pizza and shook his head. "Call me plain, but I don't think white pizzas are for me," he said, sitting the half eaten slice back into the box to pick from a different option. They had the white pizza, a pepperoni, and a vegetable -- Lindsey told him he had to try them. "All I can say is, I hope one of these is fine, or else I'm jumping ship and moving to Phoenix or Tuscon," Joel said, scooping up a slice of pepperoni, "So, outside of pizza, what other places have earned a five-star approval from Lindsey Gallagher?"
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it's november first which means i get to be self indulgent and say that i think perez invites strahm to the family dĂa de muertos festivities and he gets the experience of being the white friend who is accepted right in and knows all her family and awkwardly tries to get by on extremely limited spanish. el gringito
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Happy Saturday!! Sorry, I have been MIA. I went on a vacation out of the country, so I didn't have time to be here. But I am back now and working through my drafts. I am open to plotting; just send me a message, and we can get something started :)
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FOAMING AT THE MOUTH, SCREAMING CRYING GHROWING UP AND SHAKING
IM SCREAMING I NEED IT YOU DONT UNDERSTAND
#AHAGRABSMWLAKAJANND#IM GETTING MONEY TMR FOR CLEANING#I AM BUYING IT SO FAST YOU DONT EVEN KNOW#Lindsey stirling#she probably doesnât have a tag on TUMBLR#đđđ#how do i find my people guys#IVE BEEN LISTENING TO LINDSEY STIRLING SINCE I WAS LIKE 7#onyx rantsâïž#CHAT I JUST FOUND OUT SHE DOES HAVE A TAG ON HERE#WHTA
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Up Ladybug, Entry 26: If Youâre Here (Part 1)
''Through that slumped back rain pierces painfully, I remembered having prayed. Even if in this world there is only one umbrella, I will find you and give it to you. Even though I'm unable to do anything I'll at least get drenched in your place, for some reason. Please, tell me, what is bothering you?''
â Kimi ga Ireba by Detective Conan
xXxXxXx
''Hey, hey, do you think Amber is really telling the truth in regards to her encounter with Ladybug and Chat Noir?'' Sophie asked, with her, Claude, Allegra, Allan and Bridgette being gathered around her and Bridgette's desk. They all glanced towards Amber, who was surrounded by several of their other classmates who wanted to know the full details and clearly enjoying the attention she got.
''I have no doubts about that,'' Bridgette said, leaning against her seat, arms folded across her chest and a slight smirk on her lips.
''She was walking around pretending to be a superhero,'' FĂ©lix said, not even lifting his gaze from the book he was reading while listening to the conversation happening one row behind him. ''Would it be surprising for her to draw Ladybug and Chat Noir's attention this way?''
''I suppose it wouldn't,'' Allegra said, leaning against the wall behind them. ''Not to sound cynical, but I doubt you can be a superhero without some kind of superpower.''
''What about Batman? He's a superhero and he doesn't have any superpowers,'' Allan said.
''Actually, he does. His superpower is being a billionaire,'' Sophie said, with her friends bursting out laughing. Even Félix snorted, hiding his smile under the book. She then glanced at Bridgette and Félix, a slight smirk on her expression. ''So, are you two planning to have another lunch together, or�''
Both Bridgette and FĂ©lix froze at the question. It wasn't really about the implications of them being alone together, but a reminder of what happened a day ago and both of them just disappearing and Ladybug and Chat Noir appearing and somehow knowing about what had happened. Neither of them had talked about it since that.
''Uh, um,⊠How about going to lunch as a whole group?'' Bridgette suddenly suggested, laughing nervously and a sweatdrop forming as she saw her friends giving her a weird look. She knew that they were all wondering why she didn't want to spend more time with Félix. After all, he was her crush, even if they still had their doubts about him. Sophie rose an eyebrow, then smiled innocently.
''Oh, I just remembered that me and Allan wanted to check out that café down the street,'' she suddenly said, looking at a confused Allan. However, he quickly picked up on her intentions and agreed, nodding.
''I was actually planning on going to lunch with Carmilla,'' Allegra said.
Claude shoot FĂ©lix a scrutinizing look, then said, ''I wanted to meet up with a few people from the theatre group. They're working on a mime and pantomime-type of performance and I wanted to ask them a few questions.''
''O-OhâŠ'' Bridgette was panicking internally. The school bell rung for the end of the recess and everyone went back to their seat, with Sophie sitting next to Bridgette.
Sophie then leaned over, placing her hand on her mouth and whispering to Bridgette, ''I know how hard you have worked to get FĂ©lix's attention. It is nice that you're worried about spending time with us, but trust me, it's okay. You can go to lunch with him, none of us will be mad about this.''
To seal the deal, she winked at her in confidence. Bridgette just smiled back, but at the same time, she had to wonder whether FĂ©lix would bring up what happened a day ago. She was worried that he might figure out that she was Ladybug, since it was too much of a coincidence for her to just appear at the same time she made that flimsy excuse.
FĂ©lix, who tried to ignore the sense of anxiety, had the same thoughts. He knew that his excuse to deal with Amber/Queen Bee was absolutely laughable and that anyone would be quite suspicious of him disappearing, only for Chat Noir to suddenly appear with all the knowledge about what had happened.
However, even though they were concerned in regards to their own secret identities, they were even more worried about something else â for Bridgette, it was the possibility that FĂ©lix was Chat Noir, while for FĂ©lix, it was the possibility that Bridgette was Ladybug. Neither of them was ready to face this situation.
xXx
Lunch was⊠rather awkward. Both were sitting outside under a tree, eating their bought lunch together in silence. Both already had the feeling that they should bring up what had happened the day before, but neither of them was willing to make the first move. They both knew that if they started even implying that they were assuming that the other might be a superhero, they probably wouldn't know how to handle the truth.
For Bridgette, she simply couldn't believe that the distant and aloof FĂ©lix could be flirty and playful Chat Noir. Or perhaps, she didn't want to believe it. After all, her feelings towards both were rather complicated and she wanted nothing more but to keep things as they were. She didn't want to even think that this all might just be an illusion.
For FĂ©lix, he knew that he was risking everything with his actions. Despite having grown quite fond of Ladybug, he was still focused on removing his cursed ring, remembering the day before when he attempted to place another book on a bookshelf, only for the wooden panel to break and all of the books to fall off the shelf. He knew that this was just another instance of his bad luck acting up, another reminder that, even if he was happy in life, misery would always follow. Therefore, he needed to steal that kiss from Ladybug, but if she was also Bridgette and if she learned that he was Chat Noir, he knew he would lose her. She had put so much faith into him and if she knew what he was up to, she would never trust him again. He even entertained the idea of telling her the truth, but he felt that he was in too deep to dig himself out of this charade.
But, am I really putting on a charade at this point? FĂ©lix gazed ahead, his eyes distant and thoughtful. Bridgette noticed that distant look on his expression, wondering if she should say something.
''Hey, FĂ©âŠ''
''BridgetteâŠ''
Both immediately shut up after they spoke in unison, looking at each other in confusion. Both were silent for a moment, before speaking again at the same time.
''What did you want to ask me?''
''Please, you go first.''
Silence again as they realized that there was indeed something on each other's mind, followed my a sense of frustration because neither of them wanted to talk, even though they knew they needed to do some proper communication. FĂ©lix then cleared his throat, deciding to be the one to break the ice, noting how Bridgette was staring at him in anticipation.
''I was just wondering⊠what do you think of Chat Noir?'' he asked.
''Eh?'' Bridgette gave him a blank stare, not expecting this question. Still, despite being stunned by it, she was  also glad that he wasn't bringing up what had happened the previous day. Instead, she leaned against the tree, placing a finger on her lips. ''Well, let's see⊠I have met him a couple of times, and I think he's actually a really sweet person.''
''Really?'' FĂ©lix gave her a look of surprise. Sure, he remembered that he as Chat Noir and Bridgette did have a good relationship, even when dealing with their own emotional turmoil, but the last thing he expected was for Bridgette to describe his alter ego as ''sweet''.
''Well, it is more in the sense that he want to be seen as someone who cares a lot, even though he does,'' Bridgette replied, with FĂ©lix figuring that she had indeed nailed his personality. He then noticed her giving him a curious look. ''What do you think about Ladybug? You have met her, right?''
''LadybugâŠ'' FĂ©lix trailed off as he thought about her. ''I think that she's very passionate about her goals and determined to keep those she cares about safe. She also has thatâŠ'' FĂ©lix stopped himself from completing the sentence as he saw Bridgette's warm and kind smile. Why does she resemble Ladybug so much? He lowered his head, feeling something constraining his chest.
''FĂ©lix, are you okay?'' Bridgette asked.
''I'm⊠not sure,'' Félix replied. ''But, I hope I'll figure it out eventually.''
xXx
''What are you searching for, Kid?'' Plagg asked, observing FĂ©lix as he rummaged through his closet, eventually taking out a black leather violin case. He stared at it hesitantly as Plagg flew closer, giving him a confused look. ''What's that?''
''It's the violin my mother had gifted to me,'' FĂ©lix replied, opening the case and showing Plagg the stringed instrument that was inside. ''It feels like ages since the last time I took it out.'' He walked over to the closet and then took out what appeared to be a box with items necessary for maintaining a violin. ''I did keep it properly stored, butâŠ'' FĂ©lix reached for a handkerchief and used it to clean the instrument carefully. ''I'll need to change some of the strings.''
''How come you had never told me that you can play a violin?'' Plagg asked.
''That's because I gave up on it a while ago. I used to love playing the violin, but after what happened⊠I couldn't do it anymore,'' Félix replied, staring at his violin somberly. Plagg gave him a sympathetic look, with Félix narrowing his eyes. ''However, this is an emergency.''
Plagg rose an eyebrow, being quiet for a moment as he wondered what FĂ©lix meant, only for it to dawn on him. ''Wait, is this your plan? You're going to serenade Ladybug with music?''
''I admit, I am running out of ideasâŠ'' FĂ©lix said dryly, looking down at the violin.
''What about trying to figure out Ladybug's civilian identity?'' Plagg sat on FĂ©lix's shoulder. FĂ©lix's eyes narrowed.
''That⊠I consider that my last resort,'' he said in response. He didn't want to say it, but he wished that it wouldn't come to that.
xXx
Chat Noir spotted Ladybug at their usual meeting spot on the Eiffel Tower, carrying his violin case carefully as he feared that, with his bad luck, something might happen to his precious instrument. Even though he hadn't played the violin in a long time, his skills were all but rusty. Aside from being able to play many classical and modern pieces from memory, he had also practiced playing by ear, that is refining his ability to pick up music notes and play along almost instantly. Of course, he also made sure to actually practice the piece he was going to play to complete perfection. He was certain that he would succeed in his plan.
It is not as if I'm playing for my uncle and⊠Chat Noir felt a sudden piercing in his chest, shaking his head to get those thoughts out of his mind. No, I can't think about what happened! You're playing this for Ladybug, no one else!
He took out a small loudspeaker and his smartphone out of his pocket, turning the loudspeaker on and selecting the accompaniment. While he had trouble picking what he would play, as he wasn't completely sure what approach he would take, he decided that he would at first try to impress Ladybug and go from there, settling on one by his favorite violinist, Lindsey Stirling, called Master of Tides. He put the bow in proper position and started the music, grinning and showing his fangs.
Let's get this show on the road!
xXx
Ladybug was sitting on the metallic structure of the Eiffel Tower, legs swinging as she observed the city in the nighttime. Despite her intial fear of heights during the very beginning of her adventure, she now felt more confident than ever and was excitedly waiting for Chat Noir to show up so they could start with their nightly patrol.
To her surprise, she heard a sudden whining sound, like a siren, followed by a steady beat. The siren sound continued as Ladybug got up, looking around frantically as she tried to figure out where it was coming from, only for the beat to suddenly drop and Chat Noir to leap right in front of her, playing a violin. Ladybug's jaw dropped as the music picked up with Chat Noir tapping lightly in the rhythm of the instrument, taking steps back and forth as he moved along the beat, as if dancing, but not quite.
Ladybug stared him, completely mesmerized by his masterful playing and elegant yet lively dance, to the point that it took her until half-way of the song to realize that he was playing this for her, if his mischievous cat-like grin and glinting green eyes were any sign of confirmation. He clasped her hands in amazement, her heart-beat picking up as she observed him, enjoying the sound of music and even nodding along with the beat, which switched tempo seamlessly from lively to much slower, almost dreamlike, like a ship on calm waters, only for the tempo to pick up, the ship crashing through waves as it braved the tides. She genuinely wanted to dance to it, to lose herself in the music, but alas, the song eventually came to a sudden end. Nevertheless, Ladybug started clapping, completely delighted by the show.
''Chat, that was amazing! I had no idea you could play the violin!'' she said, absolutely starstruck. Chat Noir smiled, taking a deep bow.
''Thank you. I had figured that I could surprise you with one of my special talents,'' he replied, being a little out of breath. Usually, one would play the violin while standing still, but he decided to put on a show and, given Ladybug's reaction, it was worth it. ''I'm quite happy that you enjoyed my performance, Bug. I played it with you in mind.''
To his joy, his words actually made Ladybug blush, but instead of lightly joking back and trying to downplay the situation or even just put up a clear wall between them, Ladybug smiled back. ''That's really sweet of you.''
Chat Noir's expression showed surprise at first, only to smooth into joy. His tail flicked as he realized that this may have been the breakthrough he needed. If he could keep up the momentum, he would be able to get rid off the curse in no time. He would be finally free from his bad luck, no more tormented by every little thing going wrong in his life. Maybe it could happen tonight, as long as he manages to charm Ladybug into kissing him, be it by using music or words or actions.
Then, Chat Noir would finally be no more.
Chat Noir's green eyes, previously glowing with life and triumph, suddenly turned dull and lost their luster. All the sounds and light around him dimmed, as if being drowned out by the darkness that crept around him and Ladybug, who was still smiling at him, not even aware what was going through Chat Noir's mind. It was just them here, and he could see a huge shadow looming over her, her own future taunting her, one filled with suffering and pain. They were the only beacons of light standing amidst the darkness, but soon, it would only be her standing there, all alone.
Wh- What am I doing?
Chat Noir stepped back, his move being rather sudden. Ladybug stepped forward, reaching for Chat Noir's hands and holding them in an assuring manner, her expression showing concern.
''Chat Noir, what's wrong? You look so pale.''
''I-IâŠ'' Chat Noir had no idea how to vocalize his thoughts. He genuinely wanted to move on with his plan and finally earn Ladybug's kiss. However, it felt like he hit an invisible barrier, with Ladybug standing on the other side, confused and perhaps even scared for him, not understanding the inner struggle he was going through.
To kiss Ladybug, it meant to lie to her. It meant to betray her â the one person who put her trust into him despite their rocky start. She had shown him kidness and support, love and friendship. They were partners and Chat Noir knew that Ladybug trusted him with her life, opening up to him and only to him, when things were the hardest. It was natural that she would turn to him for support, as a fellow superhero, but lately, it felt like their relationship meant much more to Ladybug than being a simple partnership⊠and Chat Noir was on his way to destroy that.
Not even understanding himself why he did this, Chat Noir suddenly moved, wrapping his hands around Ladybug, his actions startling her. His expression was blank as he pulled her into an embrace, whispering, ''You mean the world to me, Ladybug.''
''ChatâŠ'' Ladybug had no idea how to respond. She could hear a hint of sadness in his voice, completely puzzling her. He was so happy a moment ago, and now, it felt like a switch had been flipped, and she wanted to know why. Chat Noir then let go of her, giving her a faint hint of a smile, but Ladybug could see the sorrow in his eyes. However, before she could even ask him anything, they heard the sound of wings flapping. Both turned their heads towards the sound, only to realize that there was a flock of pigeons gathered and flying across the Seine towards a particular direction. Both rose an eyebrow, exchanging glances.
''Are they flying towards Jardins du Trocadéro?'' Ladybug asked. Chat Noir tilted his head as he observed the flock of pigeons abruptly swerving to the side.
''I think they're actually flying towards the Aquarium,'' he said, completely confused.
''Why would Monsieur Pigeon attack the Aquarium?'' Ladybug asked, still baffled.
''Honestly, I don't know. Maybe he hates fish now?'' Chat Noir shrugged. Ladybug took a deep sigh, reaching for her yo-yo.
''Okay, let's chase him off,'' she said in a tone that clearly indicated that she was completely done with the Pigeon Man. Chat Noir couldn't help but chuckle at her reaction.
xXx
''Aaghhrr! You two will pay for this!'' Monsieur Pigeon, dangling upside-down due to being tied up via Ladybug's yo-yo. Ladybug and Chat Noir were standing on top of the Aquarium building, both rolling their eyes. They had to admit that this was probably their easiest fight to date, as while Monsieur Pigeon was terrorizing whoever was close to the Aquarium, they snuck up to him, with Chat Noir blasting the pigeon villain with a Black Storm, knocking him off his pigeons, and Ladybug catching him with her yo-yo.
''I'd say this is a new record for us,'' Chat Noir said, with Ladybug smirking in response.
''Not fair! I haven't even done any gloating!'' Monsieur Pigeon protested.
''Why have you even attacked the Aquarium?'' Ladybug asked, drawing the villain's attention.
''To draw your attention, obviously! Rooo- Roooo!'' Monsieur Pigeon replied.
''Is this another of Papillon's schemes?'' Ladybug asked, noting the look of panic on Monsieur Pigeon's expression.
''I'm not telling!!''
''It totally is,'' both Ladybug and Chat Noir responded in a deadpan tone.
''Aaaghhhr!''
''Hey, how about you tell us what Papillon's plans are?'' Ladybug called out for the pigeon villain, who sneered at her.
''I won't tell you anything! Roooo- Rooooooo!'' he replied.
''Okay, then why are you attacking us?'' Chat Noir asked.
''Because Papillon wants you off the streets so you won't bother while he is-'' Monsieur Pigeon suddenly cut himself off, his bulging eyes widening in horror as he just realized he was about to tell them everything.
Chat Noir smirked mischievously, giving Ladybug a knowing look, ''Too bad he didn't give away everything. But, it was worth a try.'' He glanced over at the villain. ''In any case, we're handing you over to the police.''
''No you won't!'' Monsieur Pigeon made a cooing sound, with Ladybug and Chat Noir being suddenly attacked by a flock of pigeons. Forced to defend herself, Ladybug let go of Monsieur Pigeon, turning her yo-yo into a shield. Once the flock dispersed, they realized that Monsieur Pigeon was also gone.
''Should we go search for him?'' Chat Noir asked.
''We could, but I'm more curious whether there will be another attack,'' Ladybug said.
''I somehow doubt it. When did this guy ever return after being defeated once?'' Chat Noir said.
''You're right, but we still should go on a quick patrol. Afterwards, we could spend some time together,'' Ladybug suggested. Chat Noir was a bit surprised by her suggesting them hanging out so casually. His heart-beat picked up as he realized that this was his chance, but then a chilling feeling pierced his chest.
''I⊠I can't,'' Chat Noir admitted, his gaze pointed to the side as he avoided eye-contact with Ladybug. ''I think we should split up for the patrol. If you see anything, give me a call.''
To Ladybug's surprise, he turned on his heel and quickly leapt into the night, heading towards the Eiffel Tower. She wondered what was going through his head, as Chat Noir seemed to be a lot less playful lately, even refusing to spend time with her, while before, he'd look forwards to interacting and flirt with her whenever he could.
Did he really lose hope because of my rejection? Ladybug wondered as she leapt towards another building, parkouring across the city. I didn't think things would turn out like this.
She had been thinking a lot about her relationship with Chat Noir. At the very start, she didn't have a high opinion of him, much less when she found out he was lying to her and made her feel like a fool. However, after giving him a chance, she had learned that there was indeed more than he was willing to show. He had a hidden vulnerable and troubled side, and Ladybug could only speculate what kind of life he had. She wished to know him better, having warmed up to him. She was being honest when she described him as sweet, as well as mischievous, sort of like an aloof cat who had a favorite person. I'm Chat's favorite person. Ladybug stopped, feeling a strange sensation piercing her chest, trying to understand it. It was a rather familiar warmth, but this time, she was hesistant to think about it, let alone explore it. Some part of her was aware what it may be, but she didn't want to acknowledge it.
xXx
''Plagg, de-transform me!''
Chat Noir had de-transformed, with FĂ©lix walking over to his bed, placing his violin case on it and lying down. He sighed, feeling quite downcast. Plagg hovered above him, noting how they had returned home much earlier than usual, but FĂ©lix already looked completely exhausted.
''Something I don't understandâŠ'' Plagg started, hovering next to FĂ©lix in a cross-legged position. ''Why didn't you stay longer with Ladybug? She had suggested that you two hang out together. You had the perfect opportunity to convince her to kiss you.''
''I⊠I don't know,'' Félix responded, frowning and then turned his back to Plagg. ''I don't want to talk about it.''
Plagg tilted his head, aware that, while he wasn't the most compassionate entity in existence, he knew that something was clearly wrong with his friend and flew over to hover in front of FĂ©lix's face. ''Kid, do you even want to get rid off your curse?''
''Of course I do!'' FĂ©lix grumbled, suddenly getting up and frowning at Plagg. The cat kwami grinned mischievously, happy to get a more emotional reaction from FĂ©lix, and then promptly sat on the top of his head, still in a cross-legged position while folding his tiny arms across his chest, putting on a thoughtful look.
''I have noticed that you're not putting as much effort into your goal as you did before. That is why I had been wondering whether you had second thoughts about everything,'' Plagg said.
''Plagg, have you forgotten what had happened yesterday?'' FĂ©lix asked, looking up at the upper level of the room, where his private library was. A bunch of books had been stacked up on each other on the floor, with a broken shelf leaned against the wall. Plagg felt a chill as he remembered the shelf suddenly breaking and some of the heaviest books falling on top of FĂ©lix. FĂ©lix then added, as if reading his mind, ''If I hadn't been self-taught to always be alert to my surroundings, I would've ended up in the hospital, either to get stitches, or dead because of blood loss and a broken skull. I'm not giving up on my goal.''
''Then what is going on?'' Plagg asked, now in a more aggressive tone as he flew up to him. The two stared at each other, FĂ©lix still being silent as he locked eyes with his kwami. To Plagg's surprise, he then faltered.
''Do you know what exactly will happen when I remove the ring?'' FĂ©lix asked, gazing at the cat's head on the ring glinting in the dim light.
''Well, if I remember correctly, both the bad luck will be once more contained within the ring until someone else puts it on,'' Plagg explained.
''What about Ladybug?'' FĂ©lix asked.
''Obviously, she would also be able to remove her earrings, if she wishes to do so. If she keeps them, she keep access to all of her powers, aside from her good luck,'' Plagg continued.
''So, she will really lose her good luck power?'' FĂ©lix asked, feeling a sudden chill spreading through his chest.
''Exactly! It is a quid pro quo deal â you lose your bad luck, she loses her good luck. Of course, the powers could be restored if you, or someone else, put the ring back on,'' Plagg added.
''I see,'' FĂ©lix muttered, then looked at Plagg, who appeared to be a little surprised by his next question. ''What about you?''
''I'll be absorbed back into the ring until I get a new holder. It has always been like that,'' Plagg replied. Aside from the chilling sensation, FĂ©lix could also feel a sense of guilt washing over him. It appeared that his emotions were reflected on his expression, because Plagg quickly tried to cheer him up, ''Hey, it's okay! I'm used to this. After all, this has been going on for centuries. The most important thing now is that you don't get killed by your own bad luck.''
''Thank you, but⊠is there anything you'd want to do while you're still here?'' Félix asked, catching Plagg off guard with his question. Plagg wondered what was going through Félix's head at the moment, but decided to take the opportunity.
''Well, aside from eating every kind of cheese that exists in the world, sleeping all day and having fun, as well as seeing you succeed in your plans⊠I would also like to hear you play again,'' Plagg said, pointing at the violin case. Félix was a bit surprised by his request, but nodded, grabbing the instrument and getting up.
''Do you have any requests?'' he asked, with Plagg humming.
''I don't know. I'm fine with whatever you want to play,'' Plagg suggested. ''Maybe you could play something for both yourself and myself, something that makes you happy because currently, you look like a cat caught in a storm.''
FĂ©lix snorted at Plagg's remark, only for his expression to change, looking more solemn. ''It had been a long time since someone had told me to play something that makes me happy.''
''FĂ©lixâŠ'' Plagg could see the sadness and grief in FĂ©lix's eyes. His gaze was distant, if only for a moment, with the teenager then looking at the kwami.
''I haven't told you why I even stopped playing, right?'' he asked, with Plagg nodding.
''Hey, if you don't feel comfortable sharing something personal, I'm fine with it,'' Plagg responded. FĂ©lix shook his head.
''No, I want to share this with you because I you're my friend and I trust you,'' he said. Plagg felt something in his throat, as if choking on a large piece of cheese, and nodded in agreement. FĂ©lix then looked down at his beloved violin, taking a deep breath. He could feel a sense of pain and longing constricting his chest, but regardless of his feelings, he wanted to be honest. ''My mother had gifted this violin to me when I was still a young child. I had a phase where I was listening to nothing but classical music and I wanted to learn to play an instrument, and while Uncle Gabriel pushed for me to learn how to play the piano, I insisted on the violin, so that's what Mother got me.''
''Why would your uncle insist on you learning how to play the piano? Both are instruments, so isn't it the same thing?'' Plagg asked.
''Not really, although you need to practice hard for both things. I think it was more an attempt at trying to control my hobbies. He did later on claim that me practicing sounded more like we had a dying animal in the house,'' FĂ©lix added the latter part in a deadpan tone, with Plagg laughing. ''Well, what did he expect? I just started playing.''
''You should've told him that he should be happy you didn't try to learn how to play bagpipes,'' Plagg said, with FĂ©lix chuckling as he imagined Gabriel's look of horror had he chosen that instrument.
''I think he'd disown me if I suggested that,'' he said, taking a deep breath and continuing the story, ''Nevertheless, Mother wanted to nurture my interest in music, regardless of how bad I was. She would always smile at me and tell me how much she loved my performances, even though I knew that they were awful.'' FĂ©lix smiled as he remembered his mother's gentle smile, encouraging him to play to his heart's content. It was her smile that drove him to practice every day, getting better and better at it. ''I made it my goal to master every musical piece successfully, even taking requests and playing my mother's favorite songs. HoweverâŠ'' FĂ©lix lowered his gaze, a shadow falling over his expression. ''Mother eventually was diagnosed with her illness and spent a lot of time in the hospital. I would visit her at every chance I got, and I would bring my violin with her to play for her, because I believed that this would somehow help her.'' FĂ©lix trembled, not even noticing how blurry his vision was. ''I was so naive, but I insisted. She was always so pale and weak, but she still managed to smile⊠and then, she was goneâŠ'' FĂ©lix was shaking, a tear falling down his cheek, and he quickly wiped it away with the palm of his hand as he tried to continue talking, despite the agony he felt. ''After⊠after she died⊠It became too painful for me to even touch the violin again⊠I just put it in my closet and tried to forget about it⊠I couldn't relieve those memories againâŠ''
Plagg suddenly flew up to him, hugging him tightly and nuzzling his cheek. Neither said anything, as Plagg knew just how much FĂ©lix was suffering. He was still grieving his mother's death, all alone.
''It was sure a big deal for you to play the violin again,'' Plagg said as he then sat on FĂ©lix's shoulder.
''It was⊠but, it wasn't as emotionally painful as I feared it would be,'' Félix said. ''Seeing Ladybug smile and enjoy the music, it made me happy again. It made me feel just like when I play for my mother. I loved seeing her smile and I loved seeing Ladybug smile⊠and, I guess that's when I realized that I couldn't go through with it.'' Félix said, a wave of guilt crashing into him. ''When I was performing for Mother, I put all of my feelings into it. However, when I was performing for Ladybug, I was lying to her. It was wrong of me to do that.''
''So, you're not going through with your plan to just serenade Ladybug?'' Plagg asked. FĂ©lix shook his head.
''No. If I'm going to play again, it'll be just for you and for myself,'' Félix replied, looking around the room. ''Although, I don't feel like playing here. This place just feels⊠empty.''
''Hollow even,'' Plagg chimed in.
''Desolate,'' FĂ©lix added, now with a smirk.
''Dull,'' Plagg added, his smirk matching FĂ©lix's.
''Suffocating,'' FĂ©lix and Plagg said in unison. Both chuckled, with Plagg hovering next to FĂ©lix, a mischievous look on his expression.
''Well, you know the magic words,'' he said, looking excited. FĂ©lix nodded, smiling as he brushed with his fingers across the ring.
''Plagg, transform me!''
After being briefly enveloped in a flash of black light, Chat Noir appeared, storing the violin back into its case and going towards the balcony, opening the door and leaping into the night.
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#Up Ladybug#felix agreste#chat noir#plagg#bridgette cheng#ladybug#tikki#monsieur pigeon#claude savard#amber bourgeois#allegra baudelaire#allan durand#sophie renard#lindsey stirling#miraculous ladybug#ladybug pv#miraculous ladybug pv
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megan talking off the captain band and stuffing it into her socks always makes me giggle. she does that every time they give her an armband. so sad my childhood is finally ending w her retirement
#uswnt#megan rapinoe#pinoe#uswnt players#uswnt woso#uswntsoccer#ol reign#lindsey horan#trinity rodman#emily sonnett#sue bird#chatđș#soccer#woso soccer#woso community
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Iâve discovered that I really like kickboxing
#Iâve been so frustrated and angry and yoga (my go-to workou) hasnât been doing it for me#so when I was telling my psychiatrist this she was like âwhy donât you try kickboxing? then you can kick and punch stuffââ#and itâs a great suggestion actually!#thanks Lindsey#chat with claire
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today was so nice! it was sunny and warm (felt like spring) and I reconnected with a old childhood friend :) maybe Sundays arenât so bad after all.
#sitting in my room waiting for my DoorDash order watching outlander thinking about how perfect today was#it was so nice to just meet up with her and chat and exchange numbers#and to think I was going to back out because of nerves! Iâm sooo glad I didnât :)#lindsey rambles#lifeâs so fun! :)
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uh oh not another text post from lindsey lol anyway my dad/step mom/step sisters etc had a christmas party last night that i was invited to but i had to work so i was just gonna show up late. and i didnt have a gift for the white elephant gift exchange but they waited for me to get there before doing gifts anyway even tho they could have done them in the 2 hours before i arrived (they knew I didnt have anything to put into the exchange) and one of my sisters had an extra gift that she gave me so I could have something for the exchange so I could participate. and afterwards my sisters messaged me and were like âoh im glad you could come!â and âi loved seeing you, I always love seeing you!!â and it made me really happy bc I donât see them all that often so I donât always feel all that close w them yknow. so the fact they were patient while I was at work and waited to do the gifts til I could be there and were so happy to have me there... it made me feel very welcome and like they really genuinely cared that i was around. everyone had to leave like an hour after I arrived bc it was 10 pm by then but even tho it was only an hour I had a good time and felt very loved. it was a good reminder that ppl love me and I dont just cease to exist to them as soon as im out of their sight.
#growing up i was rly close w my youngest sister [youngest of my 3 step sisters but still older than me by a few years]#but we grew apart as we got older and she seemed to be closer w our other sisters than w me so i was left feeling kind of out of place yknow#and nowadays when im around everyone i feel kind of awkward and distant just bc we dont see each other often and im so shy and introverted#theres part of me that has always kind of felt like the odd one out yknow. im the youngest girl. my interests dont really overlap w theirs.#im the quietest of the 4 girls and the most reserved. and my 3 step sisters all have the same parents#so of the 4 girls im the odd one out just by having different parents and living in a different house growing up and stuff yknow#like ive always wondered do they see me differently than each other? do my sisters have 2 groups in their heads#group 1: real sisters and group 2: step sister [aka lindsey]#like does my youngest sister favor her 2 sisters who are blood related to her over me [her step sister]#its nice to be reminded they dont think of me differently and they want me included in family stuff and to them im just another sister yknow#thyere the only sisters i have lol to me theyre just. my sisters whom i love. so i would be very hurt if they thought of me differently#bc im a step sibling and not a directly related sibling#anyway ive been making an effort to stay in touch more often. theres a family group chat i never used to read but ive been trying#to do better. bc i know if i want my relationship w that side of my family to be better i have to put forth a little effort lol#i really do love them im just so introverted and shy and idk if i have anything to talk abt that theyd care abt yknow#my oldest sister is turning 31 this year i dont really have much in common with a 31 yr old engaged ex-military nurse#but im trying#i also have always felt like the ugly one of the group which is a major bummer and i feel like they still see me as a kid sometimes#or like they think less of me bc of my mental health struggles and the fact i still live at home and only work part time#im sure they dont but im insecure abt that stuff so im terrified ppl are judging me abt it lol
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€Â·Â·Â·âKISMET with ACHILLES
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€Featuring; Ares and Ajax
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€Characters by @yanderefarm
Summary: The day you brought Achilles home, was the day where you end up as the fiancé. wc: 1k
tags; fluff ig, some dark stuff maybe idk, blood :) and Ares attacking reader, +
KISMET destiny; fate.
Note: I'm gonna be honest I brain farted this one so bad because I wanted to make a fluffy one which was really cute but I end up w this.
Anyways Achilles will get his redemption with other scenerios etc.
Hope y'all enjoy.
When did it come to this? You were awkwardly sitting in the living room, while Achilles sat beside you happily chatting away with his family, while you simply held his hand. There were a lot of rather hostile glances thrown at you, even though Achilles was supposed to be the leader, he was still obviously the most softest mentally wise and so more seen as the innocent child.
Not that they made it known as it definitely would upset Achilles.
So it was no surprise that they were rather shocked that Achilles brought someone home to a rare family dinner, thinking you corrupted the otherâs mind. They werenât so far off, but you didnât plan for things to go like that.Â
All you could do now was simply wait for the day to end, as you simply wanted to bring him back to his family. Favorable it would be, if you didnât exactly die after you step out of their house. That means all you could do was pray.
âHow did the two of you meet? I mean you got kidnapped and suddenly youâre coming home with a stranger,â Ares stared you down, his eyes were cold and calculating. As if he knew exactly who you are and what you did.
You continued to stare back at Ares, as if the first one to look away would get struck by lightning. Well you did have guilt in your gut and it made it harder and harder to continue, Achilles slightly tapped your shoulder, making your attention waver back to him. âAre you okay?â he asked with concern. Your throat felt dry, so you simply nodded at him with a small smile.
Suddenly there was a pain in your shoulder, and a gasp left Achilles throat as he stared in shock and panic. You quickly turned your head to see a knife plunged into your shoulder. The erratic voice from Achilles got slightly high pitched, as his hands hovered above your shoulder while he was clearly panicking.Â
The pain in your shoulder was rather immense and the blood sweeping into your shirt was like a small blur, as you simply watched as Ares stood just a bit away from you with clear hate in his eyes. Achilles' other brother, Ajax also didnât do anything. He simply watched as and sipped on his wine, a smirk playing on his lips, âNow thatâs going to be interesting,â you heard, before you were grabbed by your arm. You looked to the side and saw Achilles with tears in his eyes, his brows were pulled into a frown as he led you away.
Ares simply scoffed as he watched the two of you.Â
Maneuvering you to his bedroom, Achilles had the help of a elderly lady as they treated your new wound. It wasnât long until you were simply sitting there on the large bed, while Achilles was clinging to you.Â
âI asked Lindsey if she should call one of our private doctors to check on you, heâll be here soon, but donât worry just rest,â you heard Achilles say, before your vision turned dark.
While you were sleeping, at least thatâs what Achilles hoped, he waited for the doctor while keeping a close eye on you. The door was pushed open and his three family members waltzed in, and as he saw the nonchalant in Ares' eyes making the anger and disappointment in his gut flare up again.
Before the doctor came there was an argument that broke out between the brothers, which soon ended up with the silent treatment that they gave each other. Of course Achilles loved his brother, and Ares loved him just as much. This is also why he did what he did, simply to protect his brother.
When you woke up you found Achilles cuddled up to your form, your arm was treated better now. Through your stirring did Achilles wake up, and before you could say anything he littered your face with kisses. You gently held his shoulders, hoping for him to get the message.
You didnât hate the kisses, in fact it gave you a funny feeling in your stomach. But as you saw the sad look in his eyes, you couldnât help but give him a kiss on his forehead. âDid something happen while I was out?â you asked, Achilles simply gave you a shy smile, making you unsure of what to expect.
It couldâve been a lot, but not you seated yet again on the couch in the living room, the older man, their father, was sitting rather relaxed on the couch with a cup of tea, Ajax was playing on the console some questionable game, and then there was Ares seated right across from you with a blank face. âSo fuckface,â were the words from Ares which started the âconversationâ âMy brother told us how the two of you metâ to say the least I would rather gut you and let your corpse disappear in a ditch, but I donât want my brother to hate me. So I sadly have to say; welcome to the familyâ dear brother-in-law.â
Ares' words surprised you, especially the last part, but you simply had to ask Achilles afterwards, âWell youâre also not the nicest pair of shoes I would pick,â you said and Ares just raised his eyebrow at your words, âWhat does shoes have to do with it? Are you perhapsââ he did a motion with his hand that you didnât quite understand, making the red head across from you roll his eyes, âAre you gay?â he asked.
âWhoâs gay? Me? But I never-â suddenly Ajax started to speak up in a panic, staring with wide eyes at the four of you. Ares simply rolled his eyes annoyed, âJust continue playing your game Aja.âÂ
At the end of the day, you asked what Ares meant with brother in law, which was when Achilles told you that they wouldnât kill you, if you married him. Which in this case, Achilles agreed to.
âIt seems to be kismet, Y/n.â
#zolass writes#zolass fanwriting#male reader#male x male#gay#mlm#x male reader#oc x male reader#top reader#top male reader#dom male reader#sub yandere#sub character#smooches for the brothers#writer
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Simon.
Part 12
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 13
Character: Simon Riley / Ghost Content: Biker! Ghost x Fem! Reader, strangers to lovers, fluff, civilian au Note: Finally a new update! Thanks for your patience. Please excuse any mistakes or if this is weird lmao. Enjoy :))
The following week saw a flood of photos from the camping trip in ____âs phone.Â
Johnny had created a WhatsApp group and added everyone, having them send all the photos and videos they took. Johnny and Gaz had taken the most photos, followed by ____, Lindsey, and finally, Simon, who had none to share.Â
Upon obtaining her number, Gaz privately messaged _____.Â
Kyle: Hey, Kyle hereÂ
____: Hey! what's up?
Kyle: I got something you might likeÂ
____: what's that?Â
Kyle then proceeded to send her a photo of her and Simon huddled together on the porch of the cabin, fast asleep, basked in the gentle blue light of dawn, a photo that wasnât shared in the group. She texted back at the speed of light,
____: You took a picture of us??!!Â
Kyle: I knew you'd like it đ
____: I don't know how to feel about thisÂ
Kyle: Be happy, itâs a nice memento of the camping đ
Kyle: You got a cute picture with your lad that you can show those blokes who try to chat you up đ
____: âyour ladâ đđ
Kyle: Damn right he is your lad
Kyle: I know you like him
____: is it that obvious??
Kyle: youâre about as obvious as a deer in the headlights
Kyle: listen here
Kyle: you should make a move on him
____: what??
Kyle: He likes you backÂ
Kyle: so make a moveÂ
Kyle: before he gets taken away, or you for that matterÂ
Although she could tell that Simon was interested in her, actually having it said to her outright was butterfly and blush-inducing. She quickly typed away,Â
____: right gotchuÂ
____: do I have competition though
Kyle: not any that I know of
____: okay great
____: I guess Iâll try
Kyle: good luck đÂ
Just as she wrapped up her conversation with Kyle, her phone began to ring.
âHey, Alejandro!â she said cheerily, âWhatâs up?â
âHey, you wanna come over for dinner? I made some enchiladas. I know you like them.âÂ
She straightened up in her seat on the couch. âEnchiladas? Iâll be right there!âÂ
Before Alejandro even said anything else, she hung up and eagerly got to his front door and rang the doorbell. He opened a few moments later, chuckling.Â
âLook at you, so excited,â he teased, moving away to let her in.Â
âI wonât say no to Mexican food,â she winked at him and he rolled his eyes, smiling.Â
He sat her down at the dining table and set down the piping hot dish that came fresh out of the oven. âBe careful, itâs hot,â he reminded her as he served the enchiladas onto her plate, giving her a flirtatious wink.Â
Poor Alejandro. She was so focused on the enchiladas that she completely missed the wink. Her mouth watered at the sight and after waiting for it to cool down, she dug in and sang its praises while Alejandro amusedly poured out some beer for himself.Â
âSo, how did the little camping trip go?â he asked.Â
âYeah, it was fun!â she exclaimed and then began telling him about what was done during the 24 hours that she spent in the wilderness. She told him about the lake, the cabin, the tent, the waterfall, and the sunrise viewing, and showed him some of the photos.
âYou guys didn't sleep in the cabin?â he asked, tilting his head slightly.Â
âWell, camping isn't camping unless it's in a tent,â she said with a shrug as she stuffed a piece of the enchilada in her mouth.Â
âAnd what about your boyfriend? Did you get to do anything fun with him?â Alejandro stared at her keenly, watching for a reaction.Â
She chuckled uncomfortably and shook her head. âNothing of that sort. I just got to watch him swim and cut some wood.âÂ
He pretended to be confused and disappointed. âReally? That's all? Since you two are a thing, you'd normally expect more, right?â he took a long sip of the beer, âDid you guys even sleep in the same room in the tent?âÂ
âUh, no? He wanted to share a room with the guys.âÂ
âThat's a bit odd, don't you think?â he took another thoughtful sip, finding her nonchalance rather suspicious, âI'm sure Simon already hangs out with his friends a lot. And since you're the girlfriend, don't you think you're entitled to have your time with him, or hell, even share a room while you guys are camping?â
The woman gulped, realising the mental gymnastics it needed to take to keep up a lie. Alejandro was sharp.Â
âUh, yeah⊠You're right. I didn't think of that.â she mumbled thoughtfully.Â
âDidnât think of that.â Another giveaway that she was lying to him. He took a bite of his share of enchiladas, chewing slowly. âYou didn't think of it? I thought wanting your boyfriend near you as much as possible was,â he paused, âWhat's the word⊠Natural?â
She was in a pickle. Having never been in a healthy romantic relationship, she didn't ever feel that way. She pursed her lips and looked away.
Alejandro stared at her again. âBe honest, are you really dating Simon?âÂ
She sighed heavily. âAlright, I'm not,â she confessed.Â
The man was surprised and unsurprised. He smirked, resting an elbow on the table as he leaned forward. âYou're not? You lied to me then. How could you,â he playfully accused.Â
She blushed with embarrassment. âWell, you see, I kept getting hit on by random men, and even got harassed once, so Simon offered to pretend to be my boyfriend to keep them away.â
Alejandro nodded slowly, understanding the underlying message even though she probably didnât intend it. But he would not be deterred, especially not by poorly managed pretense. âI mean, you're beautiful, so no wonder they'd make a move. Although it's terrible that they thought harassing you would make you change your mind.â he shook his head.Â
âYeah, totally.â She nodded.
There was a brief silence as both of them ate. He looked up from his plate to ask, âSo, if youâre really single, how about going out with me on a date?âÂ
She was surprised by the direct offer. âWith youâŠ?â
He noticed her hesitation and decided to manoeuvre this carefully. He was normally confident and assertive, but not wanting to scare her off, he quickly added, âIt doesnât even have to be a date. It can just be the two of us hanging out and getting to know each other. Nothing too serious. What do you think?âÂ
âWhen?âÂ
He smiled. âThis Sunday, if youâre free.â
She thoughtfully gnawed on the prongs of the fork as she chewed her food. It was the same day Simon's family reunion was. He watched her shift in her seat. Another momentâs silence until she said,Â
âIâll let you know.â
Alejandroâs surprise proposal for a hangout/date left her dazed even the next day. Since her novel writing was completed for the day, she spent her evening considering what she should do.Â
Should she give Alejandro a chance and go out with him? If she honestly had to pit him with Simon, Alejandro would win. He was handsome and had a steady income from his work and from being a model; he was friendly, outgoing, and charismatic.Â
Simon had his good points too, though he was the opposite of Alejandro. Simon was sweet and quiet, considerate and gentle. However, his bloodstained past came to her mind, and she feared that danger would follow her if she continued to consider Simon.Â
But she liked Simon regardless of it. She didnât know Alejandro as well as she knew Simon; Alejandro never bared his soul to her like Simon did. If anything, they were just acquaintances turning into friends, but she and Simon already had an established friendship.
Besides, no matter how cordial Alejandro was, something about him didnât sit right with her.
Her thoughts were interrupted by her phone ringing. Upon seeing that it was none other than Simon calling, her finger flew to the green button.
âHey!â she squeaked.
âHey, how are you?â he croaked hoarsely.
Not expecting him to sound like a choked frog, her eyes widened slightly. âMore like how are you? You donât sound good.â
âJust a little fever, no big deal,â he replied nonchalantly before clearing his throat.Â
âA fever!â she exclaimed, sitting up straight on her bed.
âDonât worry, darling. Iâm fine,â he assured, sniffling and letting out a breathless sigh.
She paused, blinking twice. âWhatâd you call me for, by the way?â
He paused next. âNo reason. Just wanted to hear your- I mean, hear from you. See how you were doing.â
âIâm alright, but Iâm starting to worry about you.â
âCâmon darling, Iâm fine, really.âÂ
But she was not convinced. She got off the bed and stood up, saying resolutely, âIâll come over right now.â
His burning eyes flew open on the other side. âNo youâre not. Youâll catch my fever.â
âDonât worry about that. Is there anyone with you right now?â
âNo, but I can take care of myself. You really donât have to come. Iâm not a kid that needs taking care of.â
She frowned at that. âI know, but I want to take care of you. So let me!â
There was silence on the other end of the line for a moment, until his sigh broke it. âCan you bring some fever medicine?â
She smiled widely. âOkay.â
Simonâs arm weakly flopped back down on his chest after the call had ended. âSheâs coming.â he thought, forcing himself up with a grunt. He began to slowly gather up the used tissues on his night stand and threw them away in the bin.Â
He washed his hands and then brought a disinfectant spray and a cloth, wiping down all the surfaces in his room she might touch when she came. He stopped his cleaning when he felt another shiver rattle his body. Hurrying to his room, he grabbed a blanket and wrapped himself in it and then sat in the living room, waiting for ____ to come.Â
She came speedily and no sooner was he about to doze off, the doorbell woke him up. Rising, he ran a hand through his tousled locks and then opened the door. She was right before him, a grocery tote bag slung on her shoulder.Â
âHey,â he croaked again as he opened the door wider to let her inside, âYouâre here quicker that I thought.â
âCanât let my friend go dying now, can I?â she smiled as she entered, silently pitying how pathetic a fever made him look. His cheeks and nose were flushed, his eyes were squinted and heavy-looking, and a thin layer of sweat sat like dew on his brow.
His cheeks rose to his eyes in a chuckle as he wrapped the blanket tighter around himself. âDying? People donât die of fevers, darling, especially not big, strong men like me,â he boasted, even though he felt like he was going to die.
She scoffed, seeing that a fever hadnât dulled his spirits in the least. âJohnny doesnât know youâre sick?â she asked as he motioned her to the couch to sit down.Â
He sat down away from her and shook his head. âHeâll come over and fuss over me,â he chuckled, âI wanted to be alone.â
âOh,â her smile and her shoulders dropped, âis that why you didnât want me to come?âÂ
He quickly shook his head. âNo, no. Iâm glad youâre here. I just didnât want you to get sick because of me.â
âDonât worry, I have a strong immune system,â she bragged, cradling her tote bag in her arms. âSpeaking of, I brought you some lemons. Theyâre good for fevers.â
He smirked. âDonât tell me you brought the whole grocery store in your bag,â he teased.Â
She grinned. âI did, just for you,â she answered, nose in the air. She kept the tote aside and stood up, now moving towards him. She took his wrist and tugged him. âCome on, you should get back in bed.â
He smirked again, planting himself firmly in his seat. âI donât want to,â he said, voice playful.
She frowned at him and continued to tug his arm. âCome onnn.âÂ
But he continued to obstinately sit where he was, allowing his smirks to turn into amused chuckles at her attempts to get him to move. She continued regardless, grunting and grumbling, but secretly happy that he was still cheerful despite his sickness. She turned around, back facing him and continued to pull his arm like he was a truck being pulled by a rope.Â
He was tempted to wrap his arm around her stomach and pull her to his lap, but he resisted. âOkay, okay, Iâm up,â he relented, finally getting out of his seat and towering to his full height.Â
âAbout time you did.â She rolled her eyes, smiling.Â
Simon directed her to his room and as soon as they were inside, he made a beeline to the bed and sat down, slouching against the wall.Â
âIâll make you some tea,â she said, making her way to the door.
âI should be doing that.â
âShut up. Youâre literally sick.â she smirked.
As soon as she left, Simon let out a sigh. He looked at the floor-length mirror across from his bed, and he could see how dishevelled he looked. He ran his hand through his hair again, as if it would magically transform him from a beast to a prince.Â
He felt another shiver and the goosebumps form on his arms, making him crawl under his duvet. She soon came in with his mismatched coffee mugs of steaming tea, and the room smelled like lemons and honey, the same scent that filled the living room when she came over for the first time.Â
âI really like your glass teapot,â she said, placing the tray down on his nightstand, finding him bundled up under the duvet.Â
âIs that code for âI broke your teapotâ?â he teased, now sitting up and receiving the mug from her.
âAre you normally this cheeky when youâre sick?â she asked with a giggle as she looked around for a chair to sit on.
âOnly with you, darling,â he answered, motioning to a wooden stool in the corner of the room.Â
She was glad she had to face away from him as he said that, for the words gave her a flutter. âOnly with me.â She felt terrible for even comparing him to Alejandro. Simonâs lighthearted teasing and banter didnât compare to Alejandroâs.Â
She grabbed the stool and brought it next to the bed and sat down. While he was busy taking a tentative sip of his steaming hot tea, she took a moment to observe his room.
The confines of the four walls were basked in the gentle light of his gold LED light strips that skirted the edges of the ceiling. The same walls were painted a relaxing navy-blue, one of which was adorned with posters of familiar video games and shelves filled with figurines of those video game characters, huddled together like people at a busy intersection.
âA gamer." she observed. His desk sat opposite to the bed, and a sleek setup sat on top of it with its creamy white desktop monitor, RGB CPU, and keyboard. A pair of cat-ear headphones rested against the keyboard, indicating recent use. Photos were stuck to the wall with clear tape just above the desk, and the photo booth pictures she took with him shared the space with his friends and family. None of the photos were stuck on the wall straight, but like a pack of cards fallen on the floor.
Another shelf sat right next to the photos. It had a few books stacked on top of each other, but only one stood facing her directly, straight and tall. Firefly Trails, her novel. Even from away, she could see that the copy was dog-eared and the base of its spine slightly worn from how much it was read. And as a reader herself, she knew that a worn book was a loved book. A flutter tickled her stomach. She wondered how many times heâd gone through the pages, and if he was one to underline and annotate.
His bedroom had more personality than the rest of his apartment, which was expected. His living room was prim, proper, and neat, but his bedroom was a meticulously organized chaos.
Simon saw that she was observing his personal space and didnât interrupt her. He longed to ask her what she thought of his room, but didnât want to come off as too conscious of it. He liked his room for sure, but wasnât sure if she liked it.
He kept staring at her as she observed, and only quickly looked away when she turned his way.Â
âWhen did you catch a fever?â she asked.
No comments on the room. He was positively disappointed.
âJust today,â He answered as he sat back, âCouldnât fix a lot of cars at the garage. I felt a bit chilly. Asked the lads if it was and they said no.â
âI wonder if it was from the camping.â
âI think so,â he mumbled, âI was alright before that. Anyway, by the time I came back, I was shivering and I suspected a fever, so I checked me temperature and I got thirty-eight degrees.â
âOh, thatâs high,â she said pityingly, taking a sip of her tea. She reached out and pressed her hand against his forehead, an action that made his eyes widen slightly. âYeah, itâs high,â she confirmed, feeling the burn linger in her hand as she pulled it away.
Her touch lingered on his forehead and he sighed at the absence of it. He practically wanted to pull her in bed but couldnât; she was so near yet so far.Â
âAnd your family reunion is this weekend too,â she then asked, âwill you be able to go?â
Simonâs gaze turned distant as he paused to take a sip of tea from his mug. He really didnât want to go. Not only would he have to uphold a lie, but also be around his father for a few hours. He welcomed the fever, wanted it to extend past the appointed date even, but he already promised his mum that heâd be there, and with his âgirlfriend.â
âYeah,â he answered, âMy fever should be alright by then.â
âSpeaking of, Alejandro asked me out yesterday,â she said.
Simonâs eyes darted to her face. The jealousy bubbled up in his stomach. He had made a move, huh? âDid he?â He asked coolly.
âYeah, and on the same day of the reunion too. He said it would be nothing serious, just a fun hangout.â
Simon had to keep himself from letting out an annoyed growl. âWhat did you tell him then?â
âI said Iâd let him know.â
He drew in a breath. âIâll let him know.â It wasnât a straight âyesâ or a ânoâ. That meant that she was considering Alejandro. His hand squeezed the warm mug in his hand.Â
âYou should go out with him,â Simon answered half-heartedly, looking away, âI donât mind if you bailed on the reunion.â
She felt a spear go right through her chest and a small frown tugged her lips. Was she hearing him right?
âI⊠honestly didnât even want to go,â he added, âI donât even want to be around my dad.â
âBut you promised your mum,â she reminded, leaning forward, âAnd I promised to come with you too.â
Simon sighed. Heâd never show his face at home if his father was around and it was tempting once again to not go. But heâd miss seeing the rest of the family who rarely came down, even for the holidays; cousins, nieces and nephews, uncles and aunts.
âYeah, IâllâŠâ he said in a breathless sigh, staring at the mug in his hand helplessly. He rubbed a hand down his face. âIâll figure something out.â
She saw that he didnât even raise his head to look at her. Did he really not want her to go with him? Did he not want her at all?
It was far too awkward and suffocating in the room for her to sit any longer. She rose from her seat with her mug of tea. âIâll make you something,â she said.
âWait, you donât have to-âÂ
But she was already out the bedroom door as he said those words. He cursed under his breath. Keeping aside his mug of tea, he laid back on the bed, crossing his wrists over his eyes.Â
Was this the right call, telling her to go out with Alejandro? Simon felt like Alejandro was a way better choice. Maybe sheâd be happier with him. Simon had a history of violent acts, near trysts with Death even, and who knew if his sins were crawling around, trying to look for him?
It didnât help that going back home meant that heâd be in the domain of that gang he was once a part of. Who knew if heâd meet his old âfriendsâ again. Heâd exposed the gangâs secrets to the police when they interrogated him, and who knew if the existing members were waiting for a chance to pounce on him for this.Â
He groaned softly as he pulled the blanket over his head. His fever felt like death over these heavy, burdensome thoughts, and he didnât want to think of it.
Neither did she, but it was all she could think of as she looked around in his cabinets for instant oats.Â
She was on the verge of tears. At this point, she wouldâve thought she had something with Simon, but he just had to say that. And she had just felt encouraged by Gaz to make a move too. She stood there in front of the stove under an open overhead cabinet, sighing.Â
You should go out with him.
You should go out with him.
You should go out with him.
It wasnât a misunderstanding. He knew what he was saying. He meant it.Â
She found the instant oats and began to cook it over the stove with the enthusiasm of a dead rabbit.Â
Maybe Simon was right. She should go out with Alejandro. Every practical and logical reasoning demanded for Alejandro, but her emotions vouched for Simon. She had an actual relationship with him, a friendship. Sure, Alejandro would be a better choice, but who was he in front of Simon?
The oats bubbled noisily on the stove, threatening to be burned. She quickly snapped out of her thoughts and turned off the stove, sighing heavily. Digging in a spoon, she found that it was very close to burning the bottom of the vessel. She shook her head.
After checking if there was enough salt, she served the porridge in a bowl and topped it with some cut fruit and some roasted sunflower seeds that she brought along. She placed it on a tray and took a deep breath as she made her way to his bedroom.
âSimon?â she called softly as she peeked inside.Â
No answer. His body was still under the blanket, save for the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he breathed.
She let out a sigh she didnât know she was holding, both of disappointment and relief. Returning back to the kitchen, she placed a lid on the bowl and kept it aside. Taking her now lukewarm tea, she returned to the room and tip-toed closer to the sleeping Simon.
His brows were slightly furrowed as he was cocooned under the blanket. Gently pulling it away from his face, she lightly pressed her hand against his forehead. His temperature burned against her hand, but her hand lingered. He didnât stir.
How sweet he looked sleeping there. Her hand moved from his forehead to weave through his sweat-damp hair, looking admiringly at him, at his thin, pink lips, at his slightly hooked, bent nose, at the scar on his cheek.
The scar. It was a stark reminder of his past, both to him and to her. She hesitated, but found her finger moving to lightly trace the indent on his cheek.
Alejandroâs face was perfect and spotless compared to Simonâs; not a scar, not a blemish. Alejandro was beautiful, more so than Simon. Anyone who had eyes would choose the former over the latter.
But she bent down and pressed the lightest of kisses on his scarred cheek. It was risky business to do it, both for the present and the future, but she didnât care. She knew what she wanted; hated herself for even putting the two against each other, even in her mind.Â
In her heart, there was only one man in this world she would choose. Just one.
Simon.
End of Part 12.
Part 13
--
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Promises We Make (Lindsey Horan x Soulmate!R)
Request: A Lindsey x reader soulmate AU where people know they're soulmates because they share dreams with them. Something angsty and happy and a lot of things.
Author's note: Wow, this has been a crazy long time coming. I think I have almost 2 years of planning, writing and re-writing in this fic. Itâs a bit different than the original. It includes some new scenes and things that I meant to put in but never physically did. It feels like a little piece of my soul, so I really hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think, Iâm always down to chat. Hit me up with questions or concerns.Â
 Without Further ado:Â
You had never understood when people said that the dreams you shared with your soulmate were more vivid. It was hard for your brain to wrap itself around the idea that everything was more intense in the shared dreams, especially the first one.Â
You didnât understand until you blinked into consciousness.Â
Your eyebrows furrowed at the immediate kaleidoscope of colors that met you. A deep blue sky with cotton-like clouds lazily drifting in the wind. The sun peeked out at you from behind them, its rays landing pleasantly on your face, a light breeze fluttering around you.Â
Your fingers wound through the cool grass under you, as you pushed yourself to a sitting position.Â
It was nice, even if you werenât quite sure where you were.Â
The comfortability of it all felt like lead in your stomach, countering the inherently light feeling of your surroundings. This was the moment you had been dreading for your entire life. The dream you had been dreading for your entire life.Â
The dream you hadnât been sure you would ever have.Â
You blew out a shuddering breath, your eyes tracing a netless goal at the far end of the field and a rusty teeter-totter nestled behind it in a halfhearted effort to follow your therapist's technique for quelling the growing butterflies in your chest.Â
Her advice never worked, but still, you tried.Â
You drew your eyes along the heavy chain link fence that sprouted from the back corner of the goal and encased the field, separating it from the tall trees that acted as a shield for a low brick building.Â
The leaves were alight with the warm oranges and browns of fall, rippling in time with the drifting breeze like the hands of fans as you made your final lap around the stadium.Â
Deep breath in. Hold. Breathe out.Â
You supposed that they were the only spectators in a place like this, even if you still werenât sure where you were. You could tell it was a school playground, possibly from childhood, but it wasnât from your childhood.Â
Deep breath in. Hold. Breathe out.Â
Or maybe they were a divine sign. A premonition flashing red, orange, and yellow, warning you of the incoming storm. Like the creak of a door before the monster appeared in a movie.Â
Deep breath in. Hold. Breathe out.Â
The hairs on the back of your neck prickled at the light crinkle of grass behind you. The first indication that you werenât alone.Â
Deep breath in. Hold. Breathe out.
âHey, fancy meeting you here,âÂ
Her voice immediately sent a shiver down your spine, untangling the suffocating knot that had formed around your lungs. It had goosebumps appearing up and down your arms and legs.Â
You should have been surprised, but you werenât.Â
Your head turned to look back over your shoulder, and suddenly your breath was gone again.Â
You gulped, trying not to think about how the sun filtering through her blonde hair reminded you so much of a halo. How the sight alone was enough to ease the bubbling dread in your stomach. She had been through almost everything with you. You and your heart had always been safe with her.Â
She wouldnât hurt you.
âHey Linds,â You smiled softly.Â
The smile she returned didnât quite meet her eyes. âThereâs a set of swings over there if you wanna chat?â She gestured to your left, shifting on her feet awkwardly.Â
You nodded, pushing yourself up noting how soft the grass felt under your bare feet following after her. It felt natural. You had been following her for nearly all of your adult life.Â
The two of you had met in France when you were barely 17 and from the moment you laid eyes on each other, you were attached at the hip. She had stubbornly forced her way beyond the wall your childhood had built and into your heart. You undoubtedly loved her, even if you were too afraid to admit it.Â
You resisted the urge to take her hand as you walked, one that you had never experienced in real life. She always reserved hand-holding for her significant others, and it was one of the few lines that the two of you had never blurred (except in France, but that didnât count).Â
 The walk over to the small, blue-gray swing set was quiet, but the two of you had never been uncomfortable in silence. It was familiar, warm. The silence was full of safety, even as you settled on the plastic seat.Â
âWhere are we, exactly?â You asked, your fingers wrapping tightly around the chain, the nail of your thumb picking at the slightly peeling paint, and your toes digging into the dip in the ground underneath you.Â
It made you feel like you were in middle school, talking to a girl you liked for the first time, not sure what to say or how to say it. Putting your feelings into words had never been your strong suit.Â
She cleared her throat, the crinkles by her eyes tightening for a long second as she began to swing slowly, her cleats scratching against the ground. âMy elementary school,âÂ
More silence stretched between you, and you watched her closely. It unsettled you how her eyes remained glued to her cleats, how she wouldn't look up at you.Â
Your eyebrows furrowed. Shouldnât you both be happy? Shouldnât she feel as relieved as you felt?Â
The two of you had been dancing around this thing for so long and now it all made sense. You didnât have to be afraid of how you were so drawn to each other anymore. You could allow yourself to feel.
But Lindsey didnât look relieved.Â
âI donât want things to change between us,â She said, her voice barely audible, rough with emotions that you didnât quite understand, the tip of her cleat kicking up a clump of dirt.Â
âI donât think it has to,â You said slowly, reaching out to catch her hand hoping she would look at you. âWe can take this slow, and figure it out as we go,â
You werenât sure how the whole soulmate thing was supposed to work. You had honestly never believed in soulmates, but you were willing to try.
You would be willing to do just about anything for her.Â
Another beat of silence passed between you, and you squeezed her hand once in reassurance. It would all be alright. The two of you could make it through anything together.Â
Lindsey dragged her gaze up. You sucked in a deep breath as red-rimmed blue finally met you. âI have a boyfriend Y/n. I love him.âÂ
It felt like a knife, sharp and slow slipping into your chest, finding its way perfectly between your ribs. A cold ache diffused from the point of your heart and you resisted the urge to see if she had actually stabbed you.Â
âI love him,â
The second half of her sentence pinged around your head like the metal bearing in a pinball machine. It echoed everything you were already aware of, everything your mother had told you before you moved out.Â
You knew she loved you too, but she couldnât love you the way you had always loved her. She wasnât in love with you. She couldnât be in love with you because she was in love with him.Â
You werenât worthy of her love.Â
You swallowed hard. âOh,âÂ
The word was forced and showed more of your pain than you wanted her to see. It wasnât her fault that she couldnât love you. That was all on you.Â
âI donât want things to change between us,â She said, her voice edging on pleading, willing you to understand. She squeezed your now limp fingers tightly. âYouâre my best friend. I donât want to lose you,âÂ
You hadnât even realized you let go of her hand.
The knife twisted in your chest, its tip scratching at your lungs with each breath you sucked past your lips. One little push and it would rip you wide open. You couldnât bear to lose her, even if it hurt to not.Â
You didnât know how to be without her.Â
âYou wonât,âÂ
The promise was soft, scratchy, filled with all the words you wanted to say, but couldnât bring yourself to let out. You had never made her a promise you didnât keep, but you werenât sure you would be able to see this one through.Â
You had to try for her.Â
It would make her happy, and as her soulmate, that was all that should matter to you.Â
Her shoulders instantly relaxed, and you tried not to think about how the knife wiggled a little more at her relief. You tried not to think about how the warning from the trees had been right.Â
She squeezed your fingers again, tugging you off of your swing and into a hug.Â
âThank you for understanding,âÂ
You shivered at how her lips grazed your neck with the words. They tickled and ached all at the same time.Â
You did understand.Â
âYeah. Anything for you,â You mumbled, tucking your nose against her collarbone, breathing in her vanilla body wash and perfume, allowing yourself to enjoy the contact for just a second. Pretending that it didnât hurt. Pretending that it would all be alright.Â
Your eyes slid closed and you will yourself to wake up.Â
You could deal with her rejection, as long as you didnât lose the people you loved the most.Â
*****
Your fingers wrapped tightly around the cardboard USSoccer-provided coffee cup trying to leech as much warmth from it as you could. It wasnât that you were physically cold, but the icy sludge that settled in your stomach from the moment that you jerked awake hadnât abated. It numbed you from the inside out, sloshing around and refusing to let you forget.Â
You took a little sip of your too-hot coffee, swirling the molten liquid across your tongue and savoring the sting. It did just enough to combat the icicles in your veins, but you didn't know if it was because it gave you an excuse to stay quiet and avoid your teammates or because it was actually helpful.Â
You knew you were too quiet for a camp breakfast, but you didnât know any other way to maintain normalcy. The team was just starting to gel, and you didnât want to throw that off. You knew they didnât take soulmate issues lightly. They didnât need the distraction.Â
You could pretend you were fine for their sake.Â
Lindsey seemed fine after all. She had taken her spot next to you without question, as though nothing had changed between you. She wrapped her arm around the back of your chair and passed you the cantaloupe from her breakfast plate like she always did. She seemed at ease, joking with your friends, nudging you with each story she told.Â
She seemed completely oblivious to how each action deposited a little more sediment on the growing stalagmites around your heart. How each smile pulled too tightly from your cheeks and was followed by a steaming sip.Â
You could pretend for her sake too. She had asked you to, and you would do anything for her.Â
âWhat about you Y/n?âÂ
You blinked up at the mention of your name, your coffee cup landing on the table with a low tap and your eyes finding Emilyâs. You could see the thinly veiled worry buried in her blue, hidden well enough that it wouldnât be obvious to the rest of the table, except maybe Kelley but she didnât count because she was the blondeâs soulmate.Â
âWhat about me?âÂ
The table erupted in laughter, and Lindsey nudged you again. âYouâre such a space cadet,âÂ
You fought to hold back a cringe at the action, something that would have had warmth blooming in your chest and heat rising to your cheeks on any other day, but it just made the sludge in your stomach slosh, sending another wave of numbness through you.Â
Emilyâs eyebrows furrowed across from you, catching your pained expression.Â
She had known you almost as long as you had known Lindsey and the two of you were nearly as close.Â
âWhat are your celebration plans for when we win?â Emily repeated the question, leaning forward just a bit, concern evident in her tone.Â
You shrugged. You hadn't considered what would happen if you managed to win the W Cup. Well, that wasnât entirely true. You and Lindsey always celebrated together, until the mess at the world cup. It had hurt too much to think about what winning would look like without your normal tradition.Â
âWe have to get past Uzbekistan first,âÂ
âYou average almost 3 goals a game, I think weâre gonna be ok,â Kristie scoffed, shaking her head, oblivious to the way Emily and Kelley were staring at you.Â
âUzbekistan isnât exactly known for its firepower,â Rose added with a smirk, rolling her eyes. âAnd you canât tell me that you havenât thought about what youâre going to do when we win,âÂ
âMaybe we should ask if sheâs thought about who she would do when we win,â Kristie cackled, and parts of the table hummed in agreement.Â
You knew it was in reference to how you disappeared after you won the world cup. How they all assumed you had slept your way through several fans on your way back to the United States. You didnât feel the need to correct them. That would involve explaining exactly what had happened.Â
You sent them a halfhearted smile, hoping it looked like the one you shot them when you had been caught. âIâll probably go back to my room and drink my way through my mini-bar,âÂ
You didnât miss the grimace Kelley and Emily shared, or the way Lindsey's dimples jumped out as she frowned. You felt satisfaction tickle the back of your throat. Lindsey had spent the majority of her time pretending like the World Cup Celebration didnât happen. Like the two of you didnât almost-.Â
You shook your head. You told yourself not to think about it.Â
She would never understand the fallout like Emily and Kelley did. They were both there to see it.Â
âThatâs lame,â Kristie said, her nose scrunching at the prospect. âAt least in France, you found yourself a companion,âÂ
Rose raised an eyebrow at you incredulously. âI thought you werenât supposed to drink alone?â
You rolled your eyes at the line. Your line. The one you had used to avoid answering questions about the world cup. You caught Lindsey's grimace out of the corner of your eye.
She believed you had slept your way back to the airplane too, but you didnât understand why she cared.Â
She had a boyfriend.Â
The sludge in your stomach sloshed again.Â
âMaybe Iâm turning over a new leaf,â You muttered halfheartedly, stabbing at your eggs.Â
You didnât even like eggs.Â
âI didnât think youâd want to after your conquests in Florida,â Lindsey said, her voice a thinly veiled sharpness.Â
The tone immediately drew your attention, like a razor running gently across your skin, poised to slice you open.
You didnât talk about Florida, and most of the team acted like you didnât disappear for 2 months after the World Cup. Considering all the other things Lindsey pretended didnât happen, you had never expected her to bring it up.Â
You forced the bubbling pit in your stomach down, masking it with an easy smile. âWhat are your plans then?â
The table paused, Emily and Kelley both leaning forward like they were being pulled by a rope, waiting for Lindsey to answer.Â
You were very touchy about Florida.Â
The midfielder returned your easy smile, leaning back in her chair. âIâll probably call Ty. He said he has a surprise for me,âÂ
You did your best to keep your face straight, even as her words sent a numb wave through you.Â
âWe all know what that will be,â Rose cackled, wiggling her eyebrows.Â
It sent an unpleasant shiver down your spine. You didnât want to think about her being with anyone else. You didnât want to think about your soulmate being intimate, being vulnerable, with him.Â
âToo bad you two arenât soulmates,â Sam hummed, almost offhandedly.Â
It still burned in the back of your throat. You didnât want anyone thinking he was your soulmateâs soulmate.Â
You didnât have a right to be possessive, but it roared to life in your chest like a lion. She was supposed to be yours but she wasnât.
You cleared your throat, rubbing the back of your neck, trying to shove those feelings down. You didnât have the right to feel those feelings.
âI think Iâm gonna go to the bus early and try to catch a nap.â You said, clearing your throat as your voice caught. âI didnât sleep well. Time change and all,âÂ
You didnât look up from your coffee cup as you pushed yourself up from the table, afraid of what you would see. You didnât need to see her indifference. That would hurt worse.Â
You ignored the stares on your back as you took your half-eaten plate to the trash and slipped out the door.Â
At least if you fell asleep now, she wouldnât be able to join you there.Â
****
The soccer field had always been your safe space. It was the one place in the world where your thoughts went silent and all that mattered was the present moment.Â
Even when things during your time at PSG had been rough, the pitch had always welcomed you like an old friend. You could forget your pain as the ball bent to your will.
Except this time you couldnât.
Not with how oppressively hot Houston was. Not with how Vlatko was playing the starters, expecting you and Lindsey to link seamlessly. Not with how Emily and Kelley kept sending you worried glances.Â
It felt like an absolute nightmare in all of its vivid colors, but despite it all your performance hadnât been affected.Â
You ran your hand through your hair, wiping your flyaway curls away from in front of your eyes, turning away from goal before you even saw Casey miss the save.Â
âHow are you so fast?â Emily asked, falling into step beside you with a nudge.Â
You shrugged, shoving her away from you, painting a smile over your features, trying to be normal. âYouâre just slow,âÂ
Lindsey had asked you to be normal.Â
Emilyâs eyebrows furrowed, and you knew she wasnât fooled. You hadnât expected her to be.Â
Emily had known you nearly as long as Lindsey did, and the two of you were more like sisters than friends at this point. She knew you better than you knew yourself sometimes.Â
You spent a month on her couch after you came back from Florida and she had even converted the 2nd room of her apartment into a bedroom for you because she didnât think it was alright for you to be alone.Â
Her soulmate, Kelley, had slotted into your life just as nicely, taking the place of the older sibling you always wished your brother would be.Â
They were both deceptively good at reading you, and sometimes it was easier to talk to them than it was for you to talk to Tobin and Christen (your self-appointed team moms). They were just as protective.Â
âWhatâs up with you?â Emily nudged you again, catching your elbow and forcing you to look at her. âYou seem off,âÂ
You shrugged, avoiding her eyes. âI told you, I didnât sleep,â
âWhich just seems odd because Abby said you were passed out cold when she came back from her shower,â Emily said, wiggling your elbow so you would look at her.Â
You swallowed hard. You could feel her eyes (and a few others) boring into your soul, and you werenât quite sure how to make the words come out of your mouth. How could you tell her without hurting her relationship with Lindsey? Â
âYou can talk to me about anything you know? Keeping it all in isnât healthy,â She added, nudging you again.Â
You sighed heavily, only able to meet her eyes for a second before you had to look away. The weight of them was too much.Â
You had too much on your mind, and if you opened up, you werenât sure youâd be able to stop.Â
âI just want to play soccer,â
The words sounded weak even to your ears, an old excuse that had been worn through. Her eyes immediately tightened, as did the fingers on your arm.Â
âDoes this have to do with how much your phone has been ringing?â Her voice was strained, earning an instant frown.Â
You didnât think anyone noticed how often your phone had been going off, or how you never answered it.Â
âItâs not-â You stuttered, shaking your head, closing your eyes, and tilting your head back. That was an entirely different can of worms you werenât willing to open. Not on top of the Lindsey thing. âI had a bad dream, I woke up. Iâm tired,âÂ
âDo you want to talk about it,â Emily asked you gently, despite already knowing the answer.Â
You shook your head once, uttering a âNo,â Despite the loud âyesâ that echoed around your head.Â
Emily squeezed your arm, forcing you to look up at her, worry shining through her blue eyes. âThe longer you push it away, the more itâll hurt,âÂ
You could hear the warning in her soft voice but also the unwillingness to press. The dance the two of you had played with for a long time.Â
She didnât want you to spiral again. She didnât want you to go back to the place you had been right after France. She didnât want you to think you had to hide your pain for everyone elseâs sake.Â
âI know,â You forced out, biting into your lower lip to prevent the tidal wave of emotions in your chest from breaking out. âIâve got it handled,âÂ
You could tell she didnât believe you by the frown she sent your way. âAnd if you donât,âÂ
âYouâll be the first to know,â You promised, grabbing the hand on your arm and squeezing her fingers.Â
âPromise me,â She demanded, slightly too loud, and you felt more eyes on you.Â
You nodded. âPromise,âÂ
âOk then,â She said, releasing you and nodding towards the coach. âItâs your turn to run the drill again,âÂ
You let an easy smirk take over your features. âMaybe youâll catch me this time loser,âÂ
You didnât miss the look Emily shared with Kelley as you headed to the starting position of the drill, the telepathic-like communication only soulmates seemed to share. Or the furrowed eyebrows Lindsey sent your way.Â
You knew what both looks meant. Everyone would be watching you more closely for one reason or another.Â
******
You settled heavily into your airplane seat, your head leaning hard against the window, pressing your headphones uncomfortably into your head.Â
It was weird, traveling by yourself. For as long as you could remember you always flew back to Portland with Lindsey, Emily, and Tobin. With your LA trade, that wasnât a thing anymore.Â
Hell, only Lindsey was left in Portland.Â
The only thing you preferred about flying alone was how quiet everything was. How you could finally rest.Â
Because camp was utterly exhausting.Â
You had started in both games against Uzbekistan, and you scored 5 goals in both games, but Vlatko didnât take the opportunity to get off your ass. Instead, he had used your only 5 goals as leverage to remind you of the youngins below you vying for a spot.Â
And then you had the whole Lindsey situation, as you had been calling it.Â
It made your chest ache how she acted like nothing had happened between you. How she seemed content to walk the tightrope between friend and more than a friend, ignorant to how much it hurt.Â
Oblivious to the numb wave she sent through you each time she so much as brushed your skin.Â
It made it impossible to remain neutral, when you obsessed over every interaction you had with her, worried you were too affectionate or not affectionate enough, unable to walk the tightrope.Â
And then you had to deal with your friends. Well-meaning as they were, you wished they would just leave you alone. You didnât want to talk about your sudden difficulty sleeping or have them try to cuddle you to soothe you into it.Â
It was easier to pretend when no one questioned you. It was easier to avoid sleep when no one was watching you.Â
But alone on the airplane, no one could bother you. You couldnât receive voicemails you didnât want to answer, or texts that would make your aching heart tear just a bit more. No one would try to make you talk, and no one would tell you how inadequate of a player you were.Â
It was perfect.Â
Your eyelids drooped without your consent as you pressed your forehead harder into the cool glass. You shouldnât have been surprised after 40 hours of nearly no sleep and a 95-minute game under your belt.Â
You wished you could stay forever, and let the subzero air outside of the airplane leach your exhaustion away.Â
****
You kept your eyes closed as you came into consciousness, pressing your face deeper into the soft sand underneath you as the sound of the lapping waves and the salty air washed over you.
You didnât even have to look to know where you were.Â
You let it soothe your soul, filling the holes in your chest and removing some of the icicles in your veins.
You felt her warm presence settle beside you, and you fought to hold in your sigh.
You needed peace, but the universe seemed reluctant to give you that.Â
You wouldnât allow her to ruin this place for you. Not when it held so many memories.Â
She let you stay quiet for a long moment, before gently bumping your shoulder. âHey,â
You were reluctant to open your eyes, but you did, carefully rolling over to meet her blue. It was strange that the sand didnât stick to you like it would in real life.
âHey,â You smiled stiffly at your blonde soulmate. You were acutely aware of how much your eyes crinkled, how little the edges of your lips moved. You had promised nothing would change, but watching her now, it felt like there was an ocean between you that hadnât been there before. You felt hyper-aware of every action you made and you couldnât stop the nagging feeling that you were going to ruin it all. Hell, all of camp there had been a disconnect, and you werenât sure you would ever have the strength to bridge that gap. Â
Lindsey cleared her throat, her dimples appearing as she compressed her lips and tugged at the Stanford sweatshirt she was wearing. âI guess Iâm cold on the airplane,â
Your eyes followed a small hole just above the wrist. The hole you had made 20 minutes after Kelley bought you the shirt on a goalpost.Â
You hadnât seen the red material since you left the Thorns for Angel City almost 4 months ago.Â
Well, that was a lie. You had seen it when you visited Lindsey for her birthday, but you pretended you hadnât noticed it tucked under the comforter of her bed. She always did love it more than you did.Â
Your eyebrows furrowed, as you looked down at yourself, trying not to cringe at the faded tank top hanging from your shoulders, spidermanâs face bleached by the sun and salt.Â
 âYeah. I guess Iâm hot,â You mumbled, your finger poking through a large hole in the bottom, one of the main reasons Emily made you throw it out before you had gotten on the plane back to Portland with her. âIâm not sure how any of this works,âÂ
Your parents had never been forthcoming with information about the dreams. It was more than that. Your mother despised the concept of soulmates and the dreams that came with them. You supposed it was understandable. Your parents had split when you were young, your mother choosing the bottle over everything and your father choosing his 19-year-old girlfriend.Â
You always wondered if her use of alcohol was to suppress the dreams so she didnât have to see him and deal with the pain and if it actually worked. You wondered if she would have been happier if she hadn't.Â
You never got the chance to ask. She had never cared enough to let you.Â
âEmily said sometimes our feelings translate to the dreams,â Lindsey hummed, drawing random patterns in the sand. âLike when Kelley is sad, it rains. Or when sheâs missing Kelley itâll be unbearably hot,â
You nodded, digesting the information. You could understand that logic. Emily always did love physical contact when she was sad, so forcing her soulmate to cuddle with her naked made sense to you, but you werenât sure it applied ot you and Lindsey.Â
If anything the discrepancies in how you were dressed would only indicate how much the two of you were on completely different pages. Ice prickled in your veins at the thought, so you banished it.Â
âIâm not sure,â You said slowly, pinching a bit of smooth sand. âI havenât really given this whole thing that much thought,âÂ
It was the truth. You had been wholeheartedly consumed with acting like the cold sludge in your stomach didnât roll every time she looked at you. You were consumed with pretending that you werenât being numbed from the inside out.Â
Her head dipped in agreement, as she cupped another handful of sand and slowly let it drip from her palm, forming perfect sandcastles. âI think weâre in your dream this time. Iâve never been here,âÂ
âItâs New Smyrna Beach,â You supplied easily, letting the velvety sand run through your fingers, enjoying how the cool granules contrasted with Lindseyâs burning gaze. âItâs on the east coast of Florida, just south of Saint Augustine,âÂ
Lindsey made a low noise, and you could practically hear the wheels turning in her head. Everyone knew you had gone to Florida after the World Cup, but very few actually knew where you had gone. You were incredibly tight-lipped about it, no matter how hard Lindsey pressed.Â
You were sure that your surroundings, complete with the one person orange tent you had stayed in, werenât what she had in mind.Â
âYou vacationed there after we got back from France,â She said finally, and you had to fight to keep your face neutral, to keep the full body shiver from rocking through you.Â
You wouldnât necessarily call the months you had spent as a beach bum a vacation. It had been a necessary evil. An escape.Â
A way to outrun the emotions that being back in fucking France had brought up. A way to get that coachâs voice out of your head, because scoring twice on the team that represented him just hadnât been enough to quiet those thoughts. A way to pretend like you and Lindsey hadnât-Â
You shook your head. You werenât supposed to think of the night of the world cup. Of what would have been had Kelley not knocked on your door.Â
It was probably for the best. You wouldnât have been able to handle being one of her regrets on top of everything else.Â
âYou never told me what you were doing down here,â She mumbled, seemingly offhandedly, but you knew better. You could tell how invested in the conversation thought the sudden tightness in her back, and the way she was deathgripping the sand.Â
You shrugged, trying to be nonchalant. âSurfing mostly,âÂ
It wasnât a total lie. You had spent most of your days surrounded by the waves, covered in salt water and sand. It was easy not to think when you were in the surf.Â
âYou wouldnât answer anyone's calls,â Lindsey pushed further.Â
You tried not to flinch at the distinct wobble in her voice. It made the sludge in your chest slosh and the ice crystals in your veins to grow. You never wanted to hurt her.
You waved your hand towards the north end of the beach, masking your wince. âI threw my phone off a pier,âÂ
âBut why?â
Her hand caught your arm, forcing you to look at her. Her blue eyes burned. They reminded you of how they looked the night you told her what the coaching staff at PSG was doing to you. They rendered you naked and exposed. They pleaded with your very soul.Â
But you couldn't tell her. She had asked you to be normal. She asked that nothing change.Â
It was more important to you to keep your promise.Â
âI just,â You averted your eyes, searching the lapping sea for the answer. To tell her without telling her. âI needed a break. It was too hard,âÂ
You wanted her to acknowledge what had happened between the two of you. You wanted her to admit that it wasnât just a passing moment brought on by the excitement of winning the world cup. You desperately wanted her to admit that the two of you had been soulmates long before you shared your first dream.
It was selfish, you knew that, to expect that of her, but you craved it.Â
It had been too hard for you to stay around her when she wasnât going to do any of those things.Â
âYouâve never shut me out like that before,â Lindsey said desperately. âWhy couldnât you have taken a break in Portland,â You swore an unspoken âwith meâ belonged out the end of the sentence.Â
You shrugged. She wasnât at a place where she would understand. Â
âMy brother lives in Miami,â You explained softly, your tooth catching your top lip as you tried to string together the right words. âI thought that maybe Iâd be able to⊠I donât know⊠understand him more if I was down here,â
It was easier to throw blame on him, to hide behind your family problems to avoid everything. Lindsey could understand those.Â
âDid it help?â She asked earnestly, and it made your chest ache. She cared just not in the way you so desperately wanted her to.Â
âNo.â You snorted. âHeâs as much of an ass as he always was but the waves, the sun, and the sand were good for me,âÂ
She nodded, elbowing your upper arm. âYou did have one hell of a tan after you came back,âÂ
âCanât get that in Portland,â You chuckled.
âTy says Greece is the best place to get a tan,âÂ
It was like a pin in the sudden balloon that had filled your chest.Â
You sucked in a shallow breath, trying to pretend like it didnât hurt. Trying to pretend like his very name didnât send a numb wave through you and have your mothers cackling laugh resounding in your head.Â
Your soulmate had chosen someone else. You werenât worthy of her.Â
âGreece is ok,â You shrugged, dragging your fingers through the sand, and picking up a handful. âThis beach is less crowded. It kinda grew on me.âÂ
You flipped your hand on its side, letting the sand slide through, landing in a perfectly imperfect tower shape. You tried not to think about how much it represented you. How things seemed to fall into place, and out of place all at the same time.Â
âIâll have to suggest it to him,â She hummed, completely unaware of your inner war.Â
âYeah,â You muttered, breathing out through your nose, willing yourself to just wake up.Â
You forced yourself to watch the sand as it trickled through your fingers, begging whoever would listen in your head to just let you open your eyes.Â
You didnât want to share this place with anyone besides Lindsey.Â
Especially not the person who she had chosen over you. The person who would always be more worthy than you.Â
*****
You had known that you werenât going to fool Christen or Tobin. Both women just knew you too well.
Maybe thatâs why you didnât send your usual check in text after you landed- though you would argue it was because you passed out from exhaustion later. Maybe it was because you werenât even sure how to put what had happened into words. Every time you tried, they got stuck in your throat. You couldnât even look yourself in the eyes in your bathroom mirror and say that Lindsey was your soulmate and you were ok with her not wanting you. (not that you spent an hour trying).Â
But you should have known that by not sending the little text, it would tip them off more than they already were.
It was something so small, but so fundamental in your relationship with them. It started while you, Lindsey and Tobin were still at PSG. It was a way for her to help you stop the things that were happening, and it included Christen shortly after Tobin had rescued you and Lindsey.Â
The curly hair forward had taken to you immediately, and vice versa. So much so that the team teased she was your team mom. But your relationship was so much deeper. You went to her with your worry and for advice when you didnât know how to navigate a situation, and she cared for you in a way that your own family never had. Â
You always texted her because you didnât want her to worry.
Except this time you hadnât.Â
You had half expected her to show up at your apartment the next morning before practice, a cup of coffee in hand, but all that had been waiting for you was a text, hoping you had gotten back to your studio apartment safely.Â
You were grateful that she didnât. It gave you time to get a handle on the numbness that did everything in its power to consume you. To get a handle on the slowly dying tissue around the sludge in your chest.Â
You werenât surprised Christen was waiting for you, leaning against the front of her car when you pulled up to the practice field, but she didnât pounce on you the second you got out of the car.Â
She let you get out and grab your bag from the front seat, waiting until you were nearly at her car before she pushed off the hood. She paused, gently grasping your shoulders tightly for a long moment, before pulling you into a tight hug.Â
The hug you so desperately needed.Â
It fought against the cool numbness that seemed content to settle in your veins.
âHey kid,â She hummed into your hair, squeezing you tightly.Â
You leaned into her comfort, burying your head into her neck and hugging her back just as tightly. âHey,âÂ
Her hands rubbed up and down your back, letting you cling to her for several long minutes, before very slowly pulling away. She held you at arms length, again searching you for something.Â
âYou feeling alright?â Her voice was soft, gently, the voice she only used when she was worried. The voice she had used the first time you stepped into Emilyâs apartment after Florida.Â
âYeah,â You nodded, smiling tightly up at her. âJust tired. All this flying around the country takes it out of a person,âÂ
Her shoulders relaxed a bit at your half-hearted attempt at a joke.Â
âIâm sure it had nothing at all to do with the shows you put on in Columbus and Chester,â she chuckled, letting you go so the two of you could head towards the practice field.Â
âAnd yet Vlatko is still up my ass like a suppository,â You grumbled, beginning to walk towards the training field.âI think he told me about the U20âs coming to take my sport more times than he talked about tactics,âÂ
âWhat else happened at camp?âÂ
She tried to ask the question casually, but you knew it was anything but. You wondered how much Emily had told her.Â
You shrugged. âThe usual,âÂ
âReally?âChristen asked incredulously. âThatâs why Emily was sending texts last night to make sure we checked on you?âÂ
Usually, your first descriptors were of your friends, followed by a story about whatever shenanigans you all had gotten up to. The only time you hadnât was the camp right after the World Cup. The only time Emily had texted them in warning was right after the World Cup too.Â
You couldnât help the low âtraitorâ that left your lips.Â
âWhat Emily does is her prerogative,â You grumbled back, pulling your bag more tightly to your shoulder. âAnd I turned my phone off. I passed out when I got home, and the buzzing kept waking me up,â
Her head tilted to the side. Her and Tobin had only texted you once each.Â
âWhat happened in the groupchat?â She paused, her fingers closing around your wrist and pulling you to a stop.Â
You shrugged, finding a pebble under your sneaker more interesting than Christenâs concerned eyes.Â
You never wanted her to worry. It made the pit in your stomach bubble. Another reason you would never be worthy of a soulmate.Â
âCome on,â She pressed, her other hand catching your chin and gently forcing you to look up. âWhatâs happening?â
You didnât miss the double meaning to her words. You rarely did.Â
âIâm not sure,â You sighed, only telling a half-truth. âI donât find a point in keeping up with Lindsey and Mal and their boyfriend drama,âÂ
You couldnât help the bitterness that leaked into your voice. It hurt every time she mentioned him in the chat, like she was twisting the dagger in your chest just a little more. Like she was reminding you how much better for her he was.Â
Plus the never ending text chain from your brother made you flinch every time you opened your Lock Screen.Â
Christenâs eyes studied you for a long minute, before she nodded once. You knew she wasnât fooled.Â
You were afraid if she pressed harder you would crumble. You were thankful she let go of your chin and allowed you to head back towards the field.Â
You had no doubt she would be watching you.Â
****
Christen hadnât needed you to forget to send her your normal made it home safe text to know something was wrong. She also hadnât needed Emilyâs heads up.Â
She had known something was off before you went to camp, and now, well it was painfully obvious to her that things were getting worse instead of better. There was an odd tension that coated your every movement. A strange hesitance where she had never seen you hesitate before.
But she knew better than to confront you with it, that would only make you slip further back into the shell you had built long ago to protect yourself. It would only make you hide your pain more in some convoluted attempt to protect whoever. It would only make you run.Â
She waited and watched and worried her bottom lip as you fumbled your way through warmups.Â
It wasnât that you were playing sloppy. It was that your head just didn't seem in it. You werenât having fun and it was painfully obvious.Â
You didnât have your characteristic easy smile as drills started. Instead your face was etched with worry lines and stoicism that Christen had only seen from you during the tail end of your time in France.Â
âJesus Christ,â You grumbled as Simone again drove the defenders the wrong way, forcing the little pocket you had found yourself in to close, and cutting off the shot you were trying to set up.Â
Christen raised her eyebrow at you, passing you a water as you hit the sidelines.Â
You were usually pretty good with the young players, offering advice and rarely snapping when they made mistakes. You liked to teach and you knew people didnât learn when you yelled at them.Â
âThey donât know how to split the fucking defenders and they keep driving everyone towards me,â you explained, gesturing towards the two other forwards Freya had paired you with. âIâve told them 3 times that the back line will continue to collapse the pockets if they donât keep their spacing,â
âTheyâre young,â Christen supplied easily, her eyes tracing your features, noting how much more prominent the dark circles under your eyes were in the streaming sunlight.Â
âBut they donât know how to fucking listen,â You huffed, spraying more water into your mouth. âAt least Emily and Rose pay attention when I talk,âÂ
âYou, Emily, Rose, and Lindsey have more practice,â She said pointedly, noting the omission of the blond midfielder in your sentence. âTheyâve had time to gel with you. The new kids will get it, itâll just take some time and patience,âÂ
You rolled your eyes in time with your shoulders, trying to ignore the shiver that ran down your spine at the mere mention of Lindseyâs name. You didnât have the right to feel the feelings curling uncomfortably in your chest. âWe donât have time, and Iâm running out of patience,âÂ
Christenâs eyebrows furrowed. While you werenât one of the most patient people on the planet, you always showed patients with the young ones. You showed them the same courtesy that you wished someone had shown you.Â
âI just want to play, and itâs like theyâre not even on my team,â You muttered, earning an even deeper frown.Â
She wondered how deep it went. How much it related to whatever happened at camp and not the young LA team.Â
âListen to me,â Christen said gently, grabbing your shoulders, trying to catch your eyes. âWe are on your team. Whatâs going on?â
You closed your eyes, running a frustrated hand through your hair. âItâs not fucking acceptible. I had 18 shots on goal in the game against Uzbekistan, I only scored 5 a piece. I canât fucking link up with them. It justâŠâÂ
You paused, the words seemingly getting stuck in your throat, and you waved your hand helplessly.Â
âYouâre under a lot of pressure,â She supplied easily, grabbing your hand and squeezing 3 times. A silent I Love You, but it didnât loosen the knot in your chest. Â
âI was fucking distracted. Itâs not acceptable,â You huffed, running another hand through your already tousled hair. It was hard to focus when all you saw every time you closed your eyes was a mix of blue and blonde. It was hard to focus when all you could do was dissect every interaction you had out of fear you were too close or not close enough. You didnât know how to be without Lindsey, but you couldnât act like she wanted you to. âI need-â
âTo relax,â Christen cut you off gently, her eyes searching you for a clue at what was bothering you, for a peek inside your head, for a reason you were so tense. âYou need to relax,â
You blew out a long breath. You had always played your best when you were relaxed, dancing in the locker room with your friends before a game. It was hard when you were struggling to even call your best friend your friend anymore.Â
âWhatâs got you so wound?â She asked you, worry evident in her tone. âWhatâs going on in that head of yours,âÂ
Things didnât usually turn out well when you internalized your emotions. You buried your feelings until they boiled over, and your favorite target for that pain was yourself. The scars on your legs and back were proof of that.Â
âI just-,â You sighed, shaking your head and chewing your lip, glancing towards your teammates (none of which had earned your unyielding trust). âItâs complicated,âÂ
Christen sighed, glancing towards the team behind you. She understood your hesitancy to talk in front of them. You were hesitant enough when no one was watching.Â
âHow about you come over for dinner, Iâll have Tobin make your favorite and we can chat and relax over some wine?â The striker offered you gently, squeezing your arm.Â
âYeah,â You sighed, leaning into the hand, taking any support you could get. âDinner would be nice,âÂ
****
As it turned out, dinner was nice. Tobin made you Mac and cheese and Christen poured you a too expensive glass of wine, and you couldnât help but relax as they chatted about their latest re-inc project.Â
It was nice to let them distract you, even if it felt a bit like you were under a microscope. They were just so good at reading you.Â
But no one had mentioned what they saw yet. No one had mentioned how often your phone buzzed, or how you sunk a bit anytime they ventured towards the topic of the team.Â
You blew out a long breath, taking a short sip of your wine, resting your elbows on the railing of Tobinâs balcony.Â
The Los Angeles skyline twinkled below you, nearly as good as Portland, but not quite.Â
At least it didnât make your chest ache like you knew the Koin Center and Wells Fargo building would.Â
You couldnât look at them without thinking of her. Your life was so intertwined with hers that you feared it would be like that anywhere you went.Â
But that was your problem. Not Lindseyâs.Â
You sighed, pulling another long sip of your wine as the glass door slid open behind and a familiar presence settled beside you.Â
You didnât have to look to know who it was.Â
âThanks for dinner,â You mumbled, swirling your wine around your glass, wishing it was something stronger instead. âMama Heathâs Mac and cheese is always the best,â
âNo problem,â Tobin shrugged, and it was easy. Familiar. âIâll have to tell her you think so,â
âSorry, Iâm not great company,â You muttered, sipping your glass.Â
You felt Tobin shrug. âWe just want you to know weâre here for you,âÂ
You nodded. You did know that they were there for you. They had always been there for you. Tobin had helped you in France, acting as a shield between you and the coaching staff. She had worked with Emily to find you after France and remind you that it wasnât soccer that you hated. Christen had been the one to orchestrate your trade to LA after things got too weird for you in Portland.Â
They had always been there to help you pick up the pieces of yourself and work through your emotions. They were the family you never had.Â
But they were Lindseyâs family too.Â
You didnât want them to turn on her because of you, but you felt like you had to tell someone what was happening. Like finally saying it out loud would quell the chilling acid in your chest.Â
And if anyone would understand it was Tobin.Â
âI met my soulmate,â you admitted softly, sipping the last bit of wine out of your glass.Â
âI would congratulate you, but Iâm sensing a but,â She breathed out, and you felt her eyes in the side of your face.Â
Worried and not judgemental.Â
Your lips tilted up at the answer. âShe doesnât want to be my soulmate,âÂ
âDid she tell you that?â Tobin pressed, gently taking the glass from your hand.Â
It was only then that you realized how tightly you clutched the fragile edge.Â
âShe has a boyfriend, and she loves him. Sheâs made it incredibly clear,â You couldnât keep the bitter edge out of your voice, a look at the gaping wound in your chest, oozing every time you so much as thought about it.Â
âDamn,â Tobin sighed, placing both of your glasses on the balcony table and wrapping an arm around your shoulder. âIs she someone we know?â
âYep,â You popped the p, your finger playing with a crack in the balconyâs handrail, debating whether or not you were going to tell her more. Debating if you would risk them turning on Lindsey. âI get to see her all the time,âÂ
âThat sucks,â She agreed.Â
You hummed.Â
It did suck. Really sucked.Â
What sucked worse was that you had agreed to be her friend afterward. They always said it was better to have your soulmate in some capacity than none, but God did it fucking hurt. It was like she had to prove how much better her boyfriend was than you, and you hated the feeling in the pit of your stomach when she showed that she was right.Â
You should be able to be an adult about this.Â
But you justâŠ. Couldnât.Â
You let the silence linger between you, feeling more comfortable than you had in weeks in Tobinâs presence.Â
If anyone understood, she did. You knew that.Â
âChristen was dating someone when you dreamt with her for the first time, wasnât she?â You asked softly, keeping your eyes on the Las Angeles skyline, and trying to ignore her sharp intake of breath.Â
Tobin swallowed hard, squeezing your shoulder, seemingly trying to gain the strength to answer you.Â
âShe was,â She admitted, and you heard the strain in her voice.Â
You blinked at her honesty, finally looking up at her thoughtful expression. âHow did you work through that?â
âWe were in college. We were rivals more than anything else,â She explained, grimacing slightly at what you assumed was embarrassment or pain at the memory. âIt changed after we got to go to camp together. We were drawn together like magnets, and at some point, she wasnât dating him anymore and I was available so it just kind of happened,âÂ
You nodded, your lips forming a thin line, your heart sinking just a bit.Â
Lindsey knew you and had decided she didnât want to be your soulmate. You were friends. She knew you and had decided that you werenât good enough.Â
âDoes it ever go away?â The question was soft, and vulnerable as it left your lips.Â
âThe weight in your stomach?â Tobin asked you gently. You nodded once and she squinted, taking a long second to find the answer. âMine didnât leave until we were together for a while,âÂ
âDid she feel it too?â You asked.Â
It was the question you wanted to know since you had the dream. Did she feel the same sludge in her chest that you did? Was she in the same pain you were? Was she avoiding sleep too?Â
âI donât think thatâs a me question,â Tobin said slowly, and you felt yourself deflate just a bit. âItâs not something Chris and I talk about a lot, but I know that we were both hurting in different ways,âÂ
âI think it would be easier if she didnât want to be friends,â You admitted. It made you feel guilty that part of you wished you didn't know Lindsey. That you didnât share the history you did. âAt least then I wouldnât have to hear about him,âÂ
You missed Tobins furrowed eyes as she tried to figure out exactly who it was. She knew better than to ask, that would only cause you to pull away.Â
âI felt that way too, but I think the silence was worse in the end,â She answered after a long second.Â
You blinked up at her, pulling out of her embrace just far enough to see her expression. âHow did you deal with it?â
She chuckled darkly. âI didnât,â Â
You could understand why someone wouldn't. You didnât want to deal with it either, but it felt like you were being forced to.Â
âI cut her off completely, which wasnât a problem until we were on the same team,â Tobin continued, shaking her head.Â
You nodded, understanding the feeling. If only it were that simple. Lindsey was competitive and stubborn, and you knew she wouldnât let you cut her off. Not after you already agreed that nothing would be different.Â
Tobin squeezed your shoulder as if could feel your pain.Â
âJust tell her how you feel,â She suggested gently, âsometimes all it takes is a conversation,âÂ
âItâs Lindsey,â You snorted, shaking your head. âShe already knows how I feel,âÂ
There was an unspoken- and she still didnât want me- that hung in the air.Â
You barely heard Tobinâs âOh,â but you felt her squeeze you even tighter.Â
âYeah, oh,â You sighed miserably.Â
âI mean, Iâm not surprised you two are soulmates,â Tobin said, her chin resting on top of your head. âYouâve been pining after each other forever,âÂ
You chuckled bitterly. You had been tied at the hip since you were 17, dancing the line between friends and something more, crossing that line more times than youâd like to admit. âExcept now she has a boyfriend, and she doesnât want things to change between us,âÂ
âExcept things have changed,â Tobin supplied, holding you closer.Â
âI promised her they wouldnât,â You mumbled.Â
Tobin blew out a long breath. âThatâs tough kid,âÂ
And you wondered if that was the crux of your pain. Would it feel different if you hadnât said yes? Would it hurt less?Â
A long silence stretched between you, comforting in a way that words wouldnât have been, and you glanced back through the door to see Christen working too hard on drying a plate.Â
âJust,â Tobin said slowly, shaking her head as if she knew something you didnât. âJust tell her how you feel, and give her some time. Sheâll come around,âÂ
You hummed, neither agreeing or disagreeing. You doubted she would ever see you for more than her friend. You doubted she would ever deem you worthy enough to be her soulmate.Â
âDo you think Christen is done with the dishes? Or is she waiting for your signal?â You asked instead of arguing with her. Arguing wouldnât do you any good.Â
You appreciated their subtlety, but you knew the striker had to be stalling.Â
Tobin shrugged, unfazed at getting caught. âShe knows itâs easier for you to talk to me, but sheâs worried too. Especially about the way your phone has been blowing up,âÂ
You cringed. You were hoping that they wouldnât bring it up, despite how often it had interrupted your dinner. âPeople think if they harass me, Iâll be more likely to answer and say yes,âÂ
Tobin let out a low snort. âThey obviously donât know youâre more inclined to destroy it than answer,âÂ
âAt least I didnât throw it off a pier this time,â You chuckled, running a hand through your hair. You didnât want to talk about your phone, or your brotherâs inability to take a fucking hint. You knew Tobin would be less inclined to let you avoid explanation.Â
She squeezed your shoulder. âI know you donât want to talk about whatever, but Just know Chris and I are here for you, no matter what,âÂ
You gulped but nodded nonetheless.
âAre you going to tell her?âÂ
The question was soft, hesitant, and showed the vulnerability you were reluctant to ever express.Â
âYou know we donât keep secrets from each other,â Tobin reminded you gently.Â
You swallowed again. You knew transparency was important to them. That they never kept secrets from each other. âI just donât want her to lose you guys,âÂ
Tobin sighed heavily.Â
It was just like you to try to help Lindsey even if it killed you, to ensure that she would be ok despite how much she had already hurt you. Â
âNeither of you will lose us,â She said finally, pulling you tighter to her. âBut I wonât let her mistreat you either,âÂ
You hummed, burying your face in her neck, accepting the comfort it was clear you needed.Â
âCome on kid. Chris got chocolate cake because she knows itâs your favorite,â Tobin said, patting your back. âWe can have a movie night and you can crash here if you want,â
You hummed, nodding into her neck. âThat would be nice,âÂ
You knew she was asking for her own peace of mind. She knew you better than you knew yourself. She knew you would spiral if they let you.Â
And you would let yourself be protected.Â
*****
You would never get used to the feeling of waking up in a shared dream. The weird way the colors blended, and you were overcome with the most potent form of dejavu you had ever encountered.Â
The world blurred into focus. Like you were spinning too fast and then suddenly came to a stop. Like you were seeing the world upside down and suddenly it was right side up.Â
It made you want to vomit, despite the aching slush being absent from your stomach.Â
It killed you as your eyes opened, because everything felt right, and you knew that it was anything but. It was only a matter of time before you were reminded of how unworthy of your soulmate you were.Â
You sighed, closing your fingers around the soft grass underneath you. The bed that was softer than your real childhood bed. The safe space that had always welcomed you until you moved to france.Â
You let out a low breath, loathe to sit up and actually face the woman you knew was beside you.Â
This place was too sacred for you to desecrate. You tried to remember that you were really on Tobin and Christenâs couch, tucked under one of their blankets like you had been for the last 3 weeks. You tried to remember that nothing that happened here would be real.Â
âHow is this grass so soft?â
You squeezed your eyes shut even tighter at her voice, hoping that you could make it hurt less if you didnât look at her.Â
âMr. Barns used to water it by hand,â You said softly, remembering the summer days your mother kicked you out of the house at 6 and didnât let you back in until well past dinner. If she let you back in. âI helped him sometimes in the summer. He would give me lunch,âÂ
She hummed, and you felt her settle down beside you, so your arms were nearly touching. âYou donât talk about your childhood a lot,â
Goosebumps erupted on your skin where her elbow brushed you, and you gulped. âI donât like to think about it. It wasnât a normal childhood,âÂ
âDid any of us have a normal childhood?â Lindsey countered, trying to copy what you and her had deemed Tobins wise old lady voice.Â
It made you shiver. She knew how bad your childhood was. She had heard the stories of the horror stories that haunted you at night.Â
You cleared your throat, averting your gaze. âI used to sleep out here sometimes. It was easier than going home,âÂ
You ran your hand over the grass as if to prove your point.Â
âWhy am I not surprised you preferred to sleep on a soccer field as a kid,â Lindsey snorted, and you bit your lip to avoid cringing.Â
She made it sound like you had chosen to sleep on the field. Like your mother hadnât given you the choice of being locked in a closet or sleeping outside.Â
âYeah,â You muttered, running a hand through your hair. âI donât like to talk about it,âÂ
Lindsey made a noise in the back of her throat, too focused on picking a blade of grass. âHow about we talk about the radio silence then,âÂ
You stiffened, your back going rigid. âEveryoneâs just lucky I didnât throw my phone off Tobinâs balcony,âÂ
Lindsey chuckled as though you were being sarcastic (you werenât). âThat many girls have been blowing you up?â
Your head tilted to the side, and your eyebrows furrowed without your consent. You didnât understand her fascination with your sex life. Not that you had one. Not since FranceâŠ
âWhat girls?âÂ
It slipped past your lips before you could think to stop it, confusion clear in your voice.Â
Lindsey scoffed. âYou canât seriously tell me that you havenât been hooking up. You haven't answered any of my calls or texts,âÂ
Her voice was almost⊠possessive. Your frown deepened, and you shook away the thought. There was no way, right? It wouldnât make sense with how she had her very own boyfriend.Â
âMy brother has been harassing me. I shoved it in my sock drawer to dampen the sound,â You said, your voice softer than you expected it to be.Â
A byproduct of your inner surprise you told yourself. Definitely not because you needed her to know that there was no one else for you. Definitely not because it made the sludge in your chest suddenly reappear when she mentioned that she thought you were seeing other people.Â
It didnât make sense. It wasnât fair. But what out of any of this had been?
âOh,â Lindsey muttered, her fingers catching the grass and rolling it between her fingers, and you could have sworn you saw her nose crinkle at the mention of him. âWhat does he want?â
Your shoulders lifted and fell, both because you didnât want to answer the question and because you wished she had been dejected for another reason. You wished she cared enough to be bothered that it wasnât just her you were ignoring. Instead, she looked relieved.Â
âIâm not taking his calls,â You answered your voice more horse than you intended it to be, showing more emotions than you wanted to. âHeâs an asshole,âÂ
Lindsey paused at your characterization, her shoulders slumping in a way you didnât quite understand. âAm I an asshole too?âÂ
You could see how she made the jump, but that wasnât why you were avoiding her. It just hurt too much to hear how wonderful Ty was to her. How he was so much better than you.Â
Really, it had been Christen's suggestion after a particularly bad day had nearly sent you into a panic attack and you wouldnât tell her why. It was bad enough that you had spilled your guts to Tobin. They didnât need to know the pressure your brother was putting on you.Â
You shook your head. âYouâre not trying to guilt trip me into doing things I donât want to,â
It was technically the truth, though it wasnât entirely accurate. You didnât want to pretend like everything was fine, but it was nothing in comparison to your brotherâs request. His demand. His inability to take no for an answer.Â
âWhat does he want you to do?âÂ
You felt Lindseyâs eyes on the side of your face, and the concern seeping through her words. It nearly caught you off guard. It nearly let your brain slip into the place where you could convince yourself that the thing between you hadnât changed. That she cared about you in the way you cared about her.Â
You gulped, finally gaining the courage to look up from the grass and meet her eyes. They were burning blue, just as they had been so many times before. Protective in a way that only Lindsey could be. Loved in a way that you had only felt when you were with her. It sent a shiver down your spine.Â
It made you feel like she cared. As a friend you reminded yourself.Â
Only a friend.Â
âItâs complicated,â You finally settled on the phrase.Â
âMore complicated than Florida?â She fired back like she already had the remark prepared.Â
You cringed. She probably did. You hated that Florida had become her litmus test for you, even when the situations were entirely unrelated.Â
Your brother had Ignored you while you were in Florida. The only person you spoke to was Emily when the nurse wouldnât let you check out of the hospital on your own. That was the only reason anyone knew anything.Â
You hated that Lindsey couldnât seem to let it go.Â
âItâs different,â You hedged carefully, rolling a blade of grass between your fingers. âHeâs asking me to forget that they didnât want me,âÂ
You didnât think it was fair for him to try to leverage your mother's dying wish against you, even after all of the shit she had done. And you tried not to think about how much Lindsey didnât want you.Â
Lindsey frowned, and you could see the wheels turning in her head.Â
She reached over and caught your hand, oblivious to the shivers it sent through your spine and how even the small touch made goosebumps appear in her wake.Â
Your head jerked up to meet her blue. âIt would be their loss. Not yours,âÂ
You gulped, trying not to focus on how the words felt like she was twisting the knife in your chest just a bit, or how the place where her hand touched your arm felt like it was on fire.Â
It wasnât a fair statement. How could it be when she didn't even want you, and she was tied to you? You wanted to ask if it was her loss.Â
Your shoulders lifted and dropped.Â
It was the safest response you could muster. One that wouldnât force her to reinforce how much she didnât want you. One that would allow you to delude yourself into thinking she cared.Â
Lindsey sighed.Â
She had always been good at reading you.Â
âYou promised me nothing would change,â She mumbled, and you shrunk a bit. Her voice was soft, caring, and concerned. It lured you in.Â
You shook your head. âThings havenât changed,âÂ
The words felt like acid in your throat. You could hear the thinness in them. The lie.Â
Everything had changed.
You knew Lindsey heard it too. Her raised eyebrow told you as much.Â
You sighed, âIâm trying, alright?âÂ
It was too soft. Too vulnerable.Â
And you watched Lindseyâs face change.Â
âIt shouldnât be so hard,â She gritted out, and you flinched at the sudden ice in her voice. The edge waiting to slice you open. âWhy canât you just be normal? Weâre friends.â
You gulped down the retort on the top of your tongue. The words that would blow everything wide open.Â
You and Lindsey had always been on the edge of friends. Friends didnât do the things the two of you did.Â
âIâm justâŠ-â You paused, looking down at her hand still on your arm. âI have a lot going on. Iâm doing my best,âÂ
You repeated the words that Christen had given you, and you felt Lindsey relax. Her fingers tightened around your forearm.Â
âJust remember youâre not alone,âÂ
Your head tilted to the side. You knew those words were carefully chosen as well.Â
âIâll try,â You sighed, pulling away and willing yourself to wake up. It didnât hurt so much when you could pretend she didnât care. When you couldnât see the concern etched across her features. âIâm trying,âÂ
Her fingers tightened around your arm as the scene faded away like she was trying to keep you there, even as you jerked into consciousness.Â
You could have sworn she was saying something. A part of you wanted to know what it was, but the larger part of you was grateful that you didnât.Â
No matter what it was, it would make everything hurt that much worse. The ache in your chest was already unbearable most days.Â
You sighed, running your knuckles into the place where your heart throbbed, pushing yourself up off of the couch.Â
It was worse when she pretended like she cared, even when you knew she didnât. Not in the way you wanted her to.Â
You ran a hand through your hair, grabbing a stray ball that way laying around and heading towards the door. Hopefully, some practice would quell the gnawing hole slowly growing in your chest.Â
All you could do was try.Â
*******
You thought you understood exhaustion when you were in France. You thought you understood it during your second season when you played every minute you were available in Portland. you thought you understood it at the very end of last camp.Â
In the 4 months since you had your first shared dream, you realized that there was an entirely new level of weariness and fatigue beyond anything you had ever experienced. It settled deep into your bones, replacing your normal energy with lead. It ate away at your soul, and you feared that when all was said and done there would be nothing of yourself left.Â
You knew that was the consequence of being rejected by your soulmate, of not being good enough for your soulmate, and of your refusal to sleep. You couldnât share dreams if you didnât have them.Â
You would slowly lose everything that made you yourself.Â
What was more shocking to you was that your on-field performance hadnât wavered, despite the wide berth the team gave you when you werenât on the pitch. It had only gotten better, according to every commentator in the NWSL.Â
You supposed it made sense, the suffocation of your soul leading to a more cold and calculating performance. Or maybe it was just your pain coming out in aggression toward the unfortunate defenders that you played against.Â
Either way, you were having the season of your life, and you were hating every single moment of it.Â
âIâm not going,â You mumbled, as you pulled your shin guards out of your socks, barely looking up at Christen. âYou can tell Kelley I got sick or whatever, but I donât want to deal with it,âÂ
It took effort to look up, and you knew it would just show her how little sleep you were getting despite their insistence that you stay on their couch.Â
It would also take effort to go to dinner with Kelley and Emily after the game and to pretend like you werenât slowly disintegrating from the inside out. Â
âOr you can tell her and Emily yourself,â The striker countered, settling down on the bench next to you, careful not to touch you as you had been particularly sensitive after your last shared dream. âUnless you skip the game, youâre going to see them,âÂ
You cursed under your breath, tossing your guards into your bag with too much force. Why couldnât things ever be easy? âFreya wonât let me skip the Washington game,âÂ
âNot a chance,â Tobin agreed, settling down on your other side, effectively trapping you between them.Â
You had been playing too well for your coach to let you sit out without giving a good reason, and trying to explain that you didnât want to see your friends because your soulmate was your other friend and she had a fucking boyfriend wasnât something you wanted to do. No matter how nice the coach was.Â
âDamn it,â You grumbled, leaning back on the wall beside your locker with a thump. It was almost too much for your tired brain to work through.Â
You had partially forgotten that you would see Kelley and Emily at the game as well as after.Â
It was once in a season that you got to play Kelley and Emily in LA, so of course, they wanted to hang out after the game. Normally you would be excited to see your best friend and her soulmate, but since your last shared dream with Lindsey, you were dreading it.Â
Hell, you had been dreading it since you started ignoring your phone.Â
You loved Emily and Kelley, but they were too perceptive for their own good. They would ask questions you didnât want to answer and slowly pry the truth from you. Then they would hate Lindsey, and that wasnât fair to her.Â
She had been friends with Lindsey longer than she had been friends with you after all.Â
Or it was possible that they both already knew. That Lindsey had already told them, and they were just waiting for the right opportunity to tell you how much they agreed with her. To confirm what you already knew, that you were unworthy of your soulmate.Â
You could still feel the tingle of Lindseyâs fingers on your arm, her words âit would be their lossâ still lingered in your brain like a bad cough despite them being spoken nearly two weeks ago.Â
You shivered.Â
Either way, you couldnât face them. You couldnât deal with the possibilities. You couldnât bear to see Emilyâs disappointed gaze. You wouldnât be able to stand it if you lost her too, despite the way you were pushing her away.Â
There was a reason you had called her when you were in Florida instead of anyone else. A reason that you had clung to her afterward.Â
She treated you like you were normal. Despite almost drowning in Florida. Despite her having to check you out of the hospital. Despite you running away in France after you and Lindsey almost-...Â
âItâll be fun,â Christen said, nudging your shoulder. âweâll talk about Bagel and the Spirit drama, and all you have to do is smile and nod,â
âSheâll hate me when she finds out,â you groaned, scrubbing your eyes, your nails digging and scraping at the skin above your eyebrows. You were never good at hiding things from Emily or Kelley for that matter.Â
You should be able to be reasonable and be Lindseyâs friend. You should be able to respect her wishes. She was right, it shouldnât be so hard.Â
But it just hurt so fucking much. It didnât matter how nice she was about it, every interaction felt like a knife slipping between your ribs and into the soft, vulnerable tissue, twisting unrelentingly, intent on bleeding you out.Â
Christen caught your hands, carefully pulling them away from your eyes and laying them flat against her thigh. She rubbed soothing circles on the back of your palm. âNo one will hate you,â
âYouâre not the one who is being malicious,â Tobin added, in a tone that made you believe she 100% thought someone was.Â
You frowned. Lindsey hadnât done anything outright yet. Well, anything besides telling you that she loved her boyfriend, and while that hurt you, it wasnât a direct shot across the bow. It also wasnât anything deserving of Tobinâs direct ire.Â
You regretted telling the midfielder-turned-winger about the back-and-forth game Lindsey seemed to enjoy. You regretted telling her how much it hurt you to not understand. To know exactly where you stood, the place you had always stood with Lindsey, in the blurry no man's land between friend and more than friend. A place filled with landmines and barbed wire poised to destroy you at the first misstep.Â
You had already been cut more times than youâd like to admit.Â
You pulled your hand out of her grip, running it through your messy curls, serving only to make them more wild. You hadnât had the energy to style it, but now you were regretting that decision. It would be a bitch to fix later.Â
You felt Christen and Tobin share a look over your head, communicating without words. You wanted to ask if that was a soulmate thing or just a preath thing because you doubted you would ever be in a place with Lindsey where you would be able to find out on your own.Â
âLindsey might not have told them yet,â Christen said gently. You felt her eyes return to the side of your face, and her fingers carefully weaved into your hair beginning to undo the knots. âAnd we donât have to tell them either,âÂ
Tobinâs hand found the back of your neck, digging into the knot that always appeared there. You sighed. Their efforts at coercion were rather effective, especially with the three hours of sleep you had gotten (despite their best efforts). Â
âBut what if she did?â You asked, your voice showing more vulnerability than you wanted. âWhat if she told Emily that I wasnât keeping my promise? That I wasnât being a good friend?â
Tobin snorted, shaking her head.Â
It was difficult for her to wrap her head around how you thought anyone would be upset with you in this situation. How you thought that any of this was your fault.Â
âKelley will be upset if any of this hurts Emily,â You said, softer. You knew how protective the older defender was, especially of her soulmate.Â
It was one of the first things you learned about Kelley. She would murder anyone who hurt Emily.Â
You were in pain, but you didnât want to die. Not yet at least.Â
Not by Kelleyâs hand.Â
âWe will deal with Kelley,â Christen reassured you, sharing another look with Tobin. On the off chance that Kelley was upset, all it would take would be to mention the word soulmate and she would back off.Â
It wasnât just her soulmate she was protective of.Â
âI donât want anyone to fight,â You sighed, squeezing your eyes shut yet again, hoping it would help the heaviness in them.Â
It didn't.Â
Your phone buzzed obnoxiously in your bag because god forbid you get 30 seconds of peace.Â
You wished you hadnât told Lindsey about the calls, even Christen and Tobin hadnât been able to pry it out of you. You wished you hadnât used it as your excuse, because it felt like another thing that she could hold over you.Â
âI just,â You blew out a shaky breath. âI want everything to go back to what it was before I had the stupid, fucking dream,âÂ
At least then you hadnât had to face the feelings that continually bubbled in your chest. It had been easy to pretend that you didnât want something more from Lindsey, something she would never give you outside the privacy of shared hotel rooms and fleeting nights in apartments.Â
It was easy to pretend that her denials hadnât been slowly unraveling you. That you hadnât been self-destructing since well before the dream.Â
âAvoiding sleep to avoid her isnât helping you,â Christen said softly like she was speaking to a small child. It should have irritated you, but it didnât. It made warmth bloom in your chest. âAnd neither is avoiding whoever is constantly calling you,âÂ
âHow about we go home, and you can nap,â Tobin suggested, equally as gently, backing off. âAnd then you can decide if you want to get âsickâ after the game when you wake up?âÂ
You nodded, pulling your sweatshirt over your head. Thorns practice was about to begin, so it would be safe.Â
She wouldnât be able to follow you, and maybe you would finally get some peace.
Tobin's arm landed heavily on your shoulder as they guided you out of the locker room, and you leaned into her, hoping they would be able to drive the dreams away.Â
If your soulmate wasnât going to look out for you, they would.Â
***** you sucked in a long breath as you blinked into consciousness, shifting awkwardly in your chair.Â
You frowned. You had never entered one of the dreams sitting, and you idly wondered if the position was due to how you were leaning on Christenâs shoulder as you fell asleep.Â
You shifted again in the chair, your fingers falling on the engraved trim, your eyes darted to the wood, painted a shiny gold. You dragged your eyes up the white tablecloth, accented with deep red napkins to the Crystal glasses and gold-rimmed plates. Several forks and spoons flanked the plate, glinting in the dim light of the table.Â
Beyond your plate was a vase, filled to the brim with dark red roses, their color so vivid they looked like they were dripping, bleeding. Much like your heart you supposed.Â
You shifted again in the chair, straightening your bow tie.Â
You frowned. You never wore ties.Â
âWhat the hell?â You mumbled, your fingers dragging down the satin lapels of the tux you were wearing, towards the shiny red vest that matched the tie.Â
It was too much. Too fancy. Not at all something you would ever choose for yourself.Â
âThe restaurant had a dress code,âÂ
Your eyes snapped up to meet Lindseyâs piercing blue just beyond the roses, and you lost your breath.Â
She was stunning.Â
Her hair shimmered like gold in the low light, pulled to one side, cascading down her shoulder. You fought to keep your eyes from trailing down the plunging neckline of her shiny black dress, focusing instead on the sparkling diamond necklace around her neck. You dragged your eyes up to her red-painted lips and finally met her eyes.Â
They burned into your soul as she casually sipped her wine like she was trying to read your mind.Â
âI thought you said dress codes were a no-go,â You muttered, your head tilting to the side. âItâs why you wouldnât go to the French Laundry with me while we were in New York. You said it was too posh,âÂ
She hummed, sipping her wine slowly, making you wait. âTy took me out for our anniversary. He wanted to make it nice,âÂ
You swallowed hard, reaching for a glass of water to help your suddenly dry throat.Â
Of course, she had gone out to fancy dinners with him. Of course, she was dressed up for him. You gulped down the sudden jealousy in your throat.Â
She was dating him. You didnât have a right to feel jealous. But the thought of her dressing in something for him made the sludge in your chest roll.Â
You wondered if you were in the outfit that he had worn to impress her. You wondered if seeing you in it made you feel the way her dress made you feel.Â
âDid you enjoy yourself?â You asked carefully, placing the water glass back on the table.Â
It took everything in you to keep your voice calm, level. To pretend.Â
She hummed. âIt was ok. The steak was overpriced and the wine was dry,âÂ
Your nose scrunched. You knew that Lindsey didnât like the pomp of fancy restaurants. That she preferred tacos and margaritas to 500$ steaks. That she liked light, floral cocktails instead of pretentious wine.Â
It made you wonder why he didnât know that.Â
âSounds too fancy for me,âÂ
You settled on the comment. It was safe, easy, almost normal.Â
She snorted. âIt was too fancy for me too. Ty picked it,â
You wanted to ask why. If it was their anniversary, shouldnât he have done something she wanted to do?
You swallowed your question, your comment, smiling pleasantly at her instead. At least you got to be with her like this. âItâs nice heâs being so cool about all of this,âÂ
She paused, her wine glass pressed to her lips, taking too long of a sip before setting it down, swirling the red liquid around the glass. âYeah,â
Your eyebrows furrowed, noting how her eyes didnât meet yours and her fingers tapped the rim of the glass.Â
âYou havenât told him yet,âÂ
It was a statement of fact, incredulous in its delivery, but proven by the way her teeth closed around her bottom red-painted lip.Â
You didnât know why you were surprised. Why would she tell him? Keeping it a secret was an entirely Lindsey thing to do.Â
Still, it made you feel dirty. A secret. Something to be ashamed of.
âWhy would I tell him?â Her lips curled around the question dangerously.âNothing has changed,âÂ
You frowned at that. Everything had changed, whether she wanted to admit it or not. He deserved to know that his girlfriend was seeing another person in her dreams. That you were tied to her for the rest of your life.Â
âBecause I am your soulmate, Lindsey,â You said as though it was obvious, unable to stop it as it slipped past your lips. âDoes that mean nothing to you?âÂ
âWe are friends,â She gritted out, emphasizing the words. âI have a-,âÂ
âBoyfriend that you love, yes Iâve heard,â You spat back, waving your hand dismissively. It was an old argument, and frankly, you were tired of it. âWhat are you going to do when he finds his soulmate? Iâm not some fucking consolation prize,â
âThatâs not. Weâre notâ She stuttered, her blue eyes wide, but you still couldnât stop.Â
âWeâre not what Lindsey?â You asked, bitterness creeping into your voice. Bitterness you hadnât shown her before. âWeâve been dancing around this since we were 16. Weâve kissed more times than I can count. We would have fucked again after the World Cup if Kelley hadnât knocked on the fucking door, or did you forget that part of our relationship,âÂ
She shook her head, shoving herself up from the table, but you followed her.Â
You knew you were pushing her, but you couldnât be ignored. You felt like a volcano erupting, the words bubbling out of you like lava. âHow long have you known I was in love with you? How long have you used that to get me to bend to your will? Friends donât do the things that we do!âÂ
You watched her face morph from shock to anger. Her features hardened before your eyes.Â
You had pushed too far.Â
âLook, itâs not my fault that youâve incorporated me into some gay fantasy of yours. Weâre friends,â She hissed and you recoiled like you had been slapped.Â
The words felt like venom, her voice the needle injecting it straight into your veins.Â
âWhat?âÂ
It was the only word you could think of as your brain tried to process what she was saying. As she used the words your mother had used against you when she kicked you out.Â
âItâs your pattern,â She said, her lips curling. âYou did it with Tobin in France. You did it with Emily in Portland. Iâm just the next poor soul on your list,âÂ
âNo Sonnett is my friend-â you stumbled over your words, trying to order your thoughts, but she cut you off with a vicious smirk. âAnd you and her were fucking until she found Kelley,âÂ
Your eyebrows furrowed. you had never slept with Emily. She had been hung up on Kelley just like you we stuck in Lindsey. The only difference was that her and Kelley hadnât blurred the line like you and Lindsey did. âWhat the actual fuck are you talking about?â
âShe was the one who found you in Florida. You shared her one-bedroom apartment, and you followed Tobin around like a lost puppy in France,âÂ
âTobin helped me stop our coach from molesting both of us Lindsey,â You ground out, your voice shaking. âTobin made sure he didnât fucking kill me with the extra training sessions and lack of food. If anything, she was the one following me around.âÂ
Your chest heaved, but you werenât finished. âEmily only knows about Florida because they wouldnât let me check out of the hospital after I went surfing drunk. She didnât want me to be alone while I was dealing with the fallout of You. We have never slept together,âÂ
You couldnât help the way you sneered around the word. You couldnât help how your fist clenched in the table cloth, shifting the too-expensive dining set.Â
You wanted her to acknowledge you.Â
âThatâs not the point,â She bit back.Â
âThen what is?â You asked, your hand hitting the table, all of your feelings finally pouring out. âI fucking love you. And I thought that you felt the same. We were back in that godforsaken city and you were kissing me. We would have-â You shook your head, your voice turning earnest. âIt was almost perfect,â
Silence hung between you, punctuated only by your heavy breathing.Â
Her lips pressed tightly together, and you thought maybe you had gotten through to her. But something flashed in her eyes and her features hardened. She picked up her wine glass and swirled the red liquid around.Â
âI am not gay,â She grit the words out, looking away from you as if she didnât care about the damage she would inflict and sipping her glass. âI donât love you, and itâs not my fault that you caught feelings,âÂ
You let the words sink in. Let them permeate your chest like acid, and erode the final bit of your aching heart. A cool numbness was already spreading out from the wound like you had been shot.Â
You knew it was too good to be true during the World Cup. That her pursuit of you, her willingness to be around the team with you was nothing more than a fling. A whim caused by the bubble and excitement.Â
You cleared your throat, closed your eyes, and hoped to wake up so you could release your emotions in peace. âI canât keep my promise,âÂ
******
Lindsey jolted awake, her eyes snapping open, all of her nerves on edge like she had been dumped in ice water. Her breathing came in short pants as she sat up, her hand pressing into her eyes.Â
She had never heard of people being so⊠jarred by the dreams they shared with their soulmates. She had never heard of them ending so abruptly.
Then again, most people didnât try to deny their soulmate.Â
She let out a breath, grinding her palms into her eyes further, trying to un-sear your blank expression from her mind.Â
She knew that look well. You used it every time you had to deal with your family or your PSG coach. It was your way of shielding yourself. Of pulling away so nothing could hurt you.Â
She had never had that look directed at her, and it made her soul ache.Â
She had never planned on hurting you, it had just kind of⊠happened.Â
The relief that had flooded through her the moment she saw you for the first time in her dreams was indescribable. It was like the moment your goalie makes a save in a PK shootout. No. It was more. It was the moment you score after the save.Â
But then she remembered. She could feel her parents' words etched into her very existence.Â
She was meant to grow up and find the man of her dreams. Her knight in shining armor.Â
Her mother had filled her head from the time she was small with stories of princes sweeping her off her feet. Her father had told her about the strapping young man who would make all of her dreams come true one day. The young man who she would share everything with, including her sleep.Â
And both of her parents dismissed her queries about what would happen if her soulmate wasnât a man. They had waved away her questions with easy quotes from the Bible and their pastor, and they had drilled into her head that all of her âteenage feelingsâ were just a phase.Â
She was convinced she would outgrow them, but then. Well, then she met you.Â
And you made her question everything.Â
It wasnât just that you were smart and funny and gorgeous. It was how kind your heart was. How you would give up the world to make her smile on a bad day. It was how your tough exterior had cracked just for her.Â
It made butterflies erupt in her chest and tingles followed everywhere you touched. You made her feel warm and seen and⊠she couldnât help but give in to those feelings.Â
At first, it was in small ways, sharing your bed in France (something that brought you both immense comfort), stealing small kisses and light touches in the underbelly of stadiums. Little things that had grown into more, until the lines were so blurred she didnât know where you stopped and she began.Â
All that you had been missing was a label, so she conveniently picked one that didnât make her afraid. One her parents wouldnât question.Â
You were her friend and the secret benefits attached never needed to be mentioned.
She pushed her feelings for you away under the ruse of platonicity.Â
It was easy. It was doable.Â
Until the two of you were roomed together in the bubble, trapped in a country that gave the both of you nightmares.Â
She finally let herself give in to the feelings in her chest. She let her touches linger, no matter who could see. She let herself joke and enjoy your bright smiles in front of her friends. She let herself let go of the fear that being caught staring and watching still evoked.Â
You looked so kissable in the locker room after the final, bragging about your game-winning goal, your dimples poking out. You looked so kissable in your stupid goggles, covered in champagne. And sheâŠ
Lindsey just couldnât help herself.Â
She hadnât thought twice about pulling you into a spare equipment closet. She hadnât thought twice about the way your lips pressed together or the heat that built between you in seconds. She hadnât thought about her roving hands and how good you felt untilâŠ
If Kelley hadnât knocked on the door, there was no telling how far the two of you would have gone.Â
As you broke apart, staring at her like she hung the moon and the stars and⊠reality finally hit her. She couldnât have you and keep her family. The lines were too blurred and before she could think, words were falling from her lips, matching your falling expression. she was kicking you out and you looked...hurt was too simple of a word to describe it.Â
That was where her options had ended.Â
You disappeared into the night, only reappearing to get on the plane, attend a parade, and then you were gone again.Â
It only reinforced the lessons her parents had taught her. She would find a reliable man to support her. A man who would care for her and follow her. A man who would help her give her parents grandchildren.Â
And she had.Â
She sighed heavily, glancing to her left where he lay, sound asleep.Â
He was good. He listened but never pushed. He held her when she cried, even when he didnât know why. He who helped her put her broken pieces back together.Â
But he wasnât you.Â
And she knew that by choosing him and protecting herself she was hurting you. An unintentional casualty she had thought of it as. Except nothing about that dream had been unintentional.Â
âFuck,âÂ
She dragged her hand through her hair, her elbow barely brushing him. He still jolted awake.Â
âWha, babe?â Ty asked, his voice husky as she lurched to a sitting position. âYou alright?âÂ
She hated that her brain instantly compared you to him. How your voice sounded so much sexier than his. How you were a deeper sleeper, and didnât jump when you woke up. How you would have wrapped her in your arms before asking questions?Â
She shook her head, leaning into his side, telling him that she wanted to be held. âYeah, bad dream,âÂ
It took him a second to catch on and wrap a loose arm around her. âIâm here,â He placed a very sweet kiss on her hairline.Â
She let out a shuddering breath. It was too close to something you would do. âI know,âÂ
He was there for now, but she couldnât stop your words from echoing in her head.Â
They had talked about what they would do when they found their soulmates, how they would prefer to be with each other rather than with some random person.Â
But you werenât a random person.Â
How was she supposed to tell this man? This kind man, who had picked up the pieces her fear had created. that she had found her soulmate and she wanted to go back on every promise she had ever made?Â
Especially when you werenât going to keep your promise to her.Â
*****
As it turned out, 48 hours with little more than a power nap did wonders on your psyche.
You were nearing the punch-drunk stage of exhaustion before you even stepped onto the pitch. And dealing with Emily and Kelley trying to stop you for 98 minutes had sapped every last bit of fake energy you had.Â
Winning the game helped, but by the time Christen and Tobin were loading you in the car for dinner, you were dead on your feet. And the anxiety about what Lindsey had or had not said to Emily had you on edge as you entered the restaurant.Â
The too-fancy restaurant, with white table cloths, red rose centerpieces, and gold-rimmed plates.Â
You bit your lip as you were seated, trying to force the dream from your mind.Â
But as it turned out, Lindsey hadnât told Emily anything, and that made things so much more difficult.Â
It made Emily and Kelley more curious, and more focused on your every move. You could feel their eyes tracing your every movement, glued to the way Tobin pulled out your chair and Christen sent you a meaningful look when she passed you the menu.Â
You knew Emily wanted an explanation for why you had been ignoring her, but you werenât sure how to put it into words. So you avoided it.Â
You avoided making eye contact or engaging in conversation and focused too hard on the menu.Â
âSanchez is super stoked for the next few camps,â Kelley said, nodding her head toward you. âShe thinks she can pull out some crazy services with our ducky,âÂ
You hummed, peeking up at her from behind your menu, using it as a shield.Â
Considering how cracked and broken your chest felt, you doubted you would be making many connections at camp. You doubted you would be able to function in the same proximity as Lindsey, much less focus on soccer.Â
You didnât think you would be able to get out of your head enough to do it.Â
âShe seems scrappy,â You mumbled, your eyes barely flickering towards Emily, trying to avoid the place setting.Â
It had the sludge sloshing in your stomach. You couldnât help how you idly scratched at the point right above your heart.Â
Itâs not my fault youâve incorporated me into some gay fantasy. Itâs your MO.
You cleared your throat, chasing her voice from your head. âIf she can keep up, itâll be fun to see how we link,âÂ
âSheâs deadly when she connects with Trin,â Kelley said, sending a look between you and Emily. âIâm sure you two will find your groove too,âÂ
You tried to ignore their secret conversation. The evidence that it wasnât the first time you were the subject.Â
âItâs not surprising her and Trin are soulmates really,â Emily added, sipping her glass of red wine.Â
You couldnât help the way your eyes zeroed in on it. The way the liquid in the glass pressed to red lips had your heart pounding in your chest.Â
It was stupid for you to get so worked up over a glass of wine. For the mere mention of soulmates to send you over the edge, but it did.Â
âAli and JJ had their hands full trying to keep track of them,â Trying to hide the concerned look she sent your way.Â
You hadnât even realized your hand was clutching your chest, clawing at your cracked heart.Â
Tobin's arm landed heavily on your shoulder, an innocuous move that was meant to ground you. To keep you in the present. âI could tell Trinity was getting frustrated, especially with Girma,âÂ
âShe's young,â Kelley nodded. âOnce she matures a bit sheâs going to be as much of a force as Alex and you three,âÂ
âAre you ok?â Emily asked before anyone could respond, reaching across the table to lay her hand over yours. âYou look like youâre gonna be sick,âÂ
You pulled away like you had been burned. The action was too familiar. It was too close.Â
âIâm good, Iâve just gotta go to the bathroom,â You said too quickly, pushing yourself away from the table. âIâll be back,âÂ
You didnât give anyone a chance to reply before you bolted from the table, hanging a right (nearly missing a very startled waiter) and crashing into the bathroom door like it was a Canadian defender.Â
You stumbled into the sink, clutching the sink like it was a lifeline, praying that the cool granite countertop could calm the wave crashing through your chest. The unrelenting tsunami unleashed by Lindseyâs words.Â
It was pathetic. You were pathetic.Â
Some gold-ringed plates and red wine had sent you over the fucking edge. The mention of soulmates shouldnât send your chest tight, but it did.Â
You should be able to have a normal conversation with your friends. You shouldnât fear that the simple mention of something would make you hurt so badly.Â
It was a you problem. They shouldnât suffer for it.Â
You sucked in a short, wheezy breath, your fingers wrapping in your shirt to pull your collar down.Â
Pathetic. The voice in your head hissed. No wonder she doesnât want you.Â
Your other hand pressed harder into the counter, dipping your head towards the metal faucet. You almost wished you had turned it on.Â
âYou have to breathe,â Emilyâs voice suddenly said, very close to your ear. Her arms wrapped carefully around your stomach, one hand catching your own. âCome on, match my breathing ducky,âÂ
You leaned back into her body, feeling her heartbeat against your back with each exaggerated breath she took for your benefit.Â
It burned to try and match her, matching the ever-present ache that had been there since Lindsey rejected you. The sludge in your stomach expanded and contracted with each breath you tried to take.Â
You hadnât felt this way since the night of the World Cup. Since Kelley knocked on the door and Lindsey had told you to get out. Since she told you you were nothing.
âI know it hurts, but you need to breathe,â Emily said, pulling you back towards her so she was hugging you from behind.Â
You nodded, your lips pressing together tightly, your eyes slipping closed as you tried to focus on her. On the way, her arms felt around you. The way each breath hit your ear and moved against you.Â
âCome on, breathe inâ She hummed, sucking in a deep breath and waiting for you to follow her. You counted to 8 in your head, holding it for 4 before releasing it for 6. And repeating it.Â
With each iteration, your relaxed father back into Emily, until most of your weight was leaning against her.Â
She held you for a long moment, letting you gather yourself, and keeping a hand on your back as you pulled away.Â
âGood?â She asked gently.Â
âYeah, good,â You nodded, your voice horse as you leaned towards the faucet, running cool water over your face before turning to face her. âThanks,âÂ
âAnytime,â She said, watching you carefully, like you were a wounded animal she was afraid to back you into a corner, holding out a paper towel so you could dry your face. âYou gonna tell me what that was about?â
You shrugged. It had been happening to you a lot lately, the feeling that your chest was going to collapse on itself. Between Lindsey and the never-ending stream of calls from your brother, you knew they would only get that much worse.Â
âYou havenât had a panic attack since France,â She continued, her voice ticking up and you knew that she wanted more of an explanation.Â
You shook your head. You didnât want to think about France anymore, or how Emily had found you in the same position after Lindsey kicked you out. How she had held you together for the night while the rest of the team celebrated.Â
The only difference was that you couldnât escape this time. There wasnât a time limit for you to paint a smile on your face and pretend to be fine.Â
âIâm fine,â You croaked, avoiding her eyes.Â
âYouâre not,â Emily countered, taking a step towards you, holding your hand up to stop her. You couldn't do this if she was close to you. âAnd I canât help you unless you tell me whatâs happening,âÂ
You shivered at the words. The same ones she had used before she checked you out of the hospital in Florida.Â
âI just have a lot on my mind,â You muttered, pressing the paper towel into your eyes.Â
âYouâve had a lot on your mind since camp,â She scoffed, hopping up on the counter next to you. âWhatâs going on?â
You let out a long sigh, knowing that she wasnât going to let this go. She had refused to let anything go since she signed you out of the hospital. Since the nurse told her they had put you on a suicide hold.Â
you blew out a long breath, weighing the words in your mouth.Â
âI met my soulmate, and itâs complicated,â You said carefully. âI had the dream at camp and things have been difficult,âÂ
âAnd Lindsey is hurt, even though she has a boyfriend?â She asked, connecting the dots differently than you thought she would. âThatâs why youâve been avoiding all our calls and texts, even tonight,âÂ
She gestured towards your still buzzing phone.Â
âSomething like that,â You muttered, finally looking up at her.
She sent you a small, sad smile. You just appreciated there was no pity in her look. She was one of the few who was aware of the true nature of your relationship. One of the few who treated you like you werenât fragile after you came back. One of the few who held you accountable.Â
âWeâll figure it out,â She said solemnly. âAt camp Kelley and I will run interference. You can forget about the drama and enjoy the game,âÂ
You shook your head. âIâm just so tired,â You admitted, finally letting your pain and exhaustion show on your face. Showing her that your soul was slowly seeping from your body.Â
Emily pulled you close to her, and you fell into the comfort, burying your face in her chest, much like the night she had found you in France.
She squeezed you tightly as though she was holding all of your pieces together. Like she knew you were forgoing sleep to avoid your soulmate. Avoiding Lindsey. âCome on. Letâs go back, weâll eat, and then you can get some sleep,âÂ
âOk,â You agreed, letting her guide you out of the bathroom and to your seat, completely ignoring Kelleyâs questioning eyes and Christenâs worried expression.Â
âEverything alright?â Tobin finally asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had settled over the table, looking right at you.Â
âYeah, all good,â You mumbled. âI think Iâm just going to get a cheeseburger,âÂ
You ignored Emilyâs low scoff at the change of subject and Kelleyâs raised eyebrow.Â
The sludge in your stomach rocked but didnât flair up like you expected it to.Â
âFishy and King said they were good here,â You added.Â
âThey said their onion rings were fire too,â Tobin jumped in, and you knew that it was just because she would get details of whatever had happened later, but for now she allowed you to change the subject.Â
Christen hummed across the table, and you breathed a sigh of relief as the conversation restarted.Â
You tried to relax and just enjoy your friends.
There would be time to worry later.Â
******
Tobin had learned a long time ago that you didnât always express yourself in words. She had learned to instead watch you because your body language always gave you away. She learned that you would tell her what was bothering you eventually, and that patience was the most useful tool she had.Â
So thatâs what she did, despite how much she wanted to know what happened in the bathroom.Â
She watched as Kelley and Emily pulled unwilling smiles from your lips. As they got your shoulders to relax and genuine laughs to escape yourÂ
It was the happiest she had seen you in months. The most⊠alive, despite how you flinched each time your phone buzzed in your pocket.Â
You still hadnât told her and Christen exactly who was calling you.Â
She smiled as you leaned heavily into Christen as you all made your way down the sidewalk, towards the Washington Spirit hotel, making small talk with Emily.Â
The small curve of your lips was a win in her opinion. She could see the effects of the soulmate bond. The slow decay of your soul was a painful inevitability, and your hesitancy to share your pain with them was hard for her. You had been better about coming to them, but you were still hesitant, and she knew the pressure was mountingÂ
She worried about what would happen when her and Christen werenât there for support.Â
âYou gonna tell me whatâs going on, or do I have to wait for whatever BS story she told Em?â Kelley nudged Tobinâs ribs, nodding her head towards you. âWhatever happened in the bathroom looked pretty intense, and she was looking rough even before that,âÂ
âIt probably was,â Tobin said half under her breath, her eyes never leaving you. âSheâs just⊠sheâs going through a lot right now. Iâm pretty sure Chris and I donât even know the whole story,â
Kelley raised an eyebrow, a clear indication that she wanted more information, earning a long sigh from Tobin.Â
The midfielder-turned-forwardâs eyes cut to Emily meaningfully. âAll we know is that itâs a⊠personal thing,â
Soulmates shared everything, they held no secrets between them. It was an inherent downside to sharing your dreams with someone. So if she told Kelley, then Emily would know too, and she wasnât about to betray your trust.Â
Kelley followed her eyes, understanding blooming in her features.Â
âDonât worry, I wonât share more than I have to. I just want to help,â She said more softly, honesty in her tone. âWhatâs the personal thing?â
âItâs a problem with her soulmate,â Tobin said softly, the words barely above a whisper like it would soften the blow, but Kelley still recoiled.Â
It all made sense. The dark circles under your eyes, the ache that coated every one of your movements, the exhaustion a simple smile brought.Â
Kelley knew the symptoms well.Â
âThat sucks,â She sighed.Â
You were such a good kid, and you never seemed to catch a break.Â
âMajorly,â Tobin agreed, remembering how you had cried in her arms. âIâm worried about how sheâll be at camp,âÂ
She didnât mention that you dealing with Lindsey on your own was something that made her very nervous. She didnât mention that she was concerned about your propensity for self-destruction or running away.Â
It had taken both her and Emily to track you down to Florida. She didnât want to find you living in a tent on the beach. She didnât want to have to convince you that being with your friends was worth dealing with your feelings. She didnât want to get a call that you werenât allowed to check out of a hospital by yourself.Â
âEm and I will keep an eye on her,â Kelley said, catching Tobin's arm... âIâm sure Lindsey will help too,âÂ
Tobin grimaced, her eyes turning dark. âLetâs keep Lindsey out of it,âÂ
Kelleyâs head tilted to the side, squinting. Lindsey was your best friend. The two of you had been inseparable until last camp. But she thought better of it than to comment. She knew the past the two of you shared after all.Â
âIs that whoâs blowing up her phone?â Kelley asked, her brain working to catch up. âOr is it the random soulmate?âÂ
Tobin shook her head, running a hand frustratedly through her hair. âShe wonât tell us who has been calling her nonstop. It was so bad she stashed her phone in a sock drawer,âÂ
Kelleyâs eyebrows furrowed. Tobin wasnât kidding when she said you were dealing with a lot. It seemed like the perfect mess of things. A web of pain with you at the epicenter. She just worried they wouldnât be able to untangle you until it was too late.Â
âWeâll keep an eye on her. I promise,â Kelley said solemnly, already knowing that Emily planned to watch out for you anyway. She had been worried for weeks, and now that the younger defender had definitive proof there was something wrong, there would be no stopping her. Kelley had already agreed to be along for the ride. âNow letâs try to keep her in a good mood. She deserves that,âÂ
You were always there for Emily, and she was determined to be there for you. You were like a little sister, she just hoped you would let her help.Â
*****
Kelley knew within the first hour of camp that Tobin had been right to be worried.Â
You were like a shell of yourself. She had seen it briefly at dinner, but being around you for an extended period exemplified how not ok you were.Â
Your easy smile was gone, as was the light that always seemed to follow you.Â
The only place you werenât completely off was the field.Â
You were cutthroat, slicing up the young defense with no mercy. You barely took the time to direct like you normally would, and it seemed you had no patience for the new midfield to catch up. You didnât explain or teach. And you had simply shrugged when Kelley asked why.Â
It was more selfish than you normally played and it was painfully obvious you were more focused on winning than having fun or helping the rest of the team.Â
It was just so not like you, and other people on the team were starting to notice.Â
But you seemed unbothered by the attention. The stares. You had barely looked at any of them.Â
The only one you seemed to notice was Lindsey, something that didnât surprise her considering what Emily told her about the bathroom incident.Â
There was just something off about the story though. Something off about Lindseyâs reaction. It wasnât⊠the reaction she would have expected if Lindsey was upset about you finding your soulmate.Â
âYou look like a creeper,â Emily hummed, kissing her cheek, wrapping her arms around her soulmate, and resting her head on her shoulder, following her gaze. âYouâve been staring for a long time,âÂ
âJust trying to read the dynamic,â Kelley mumbled, squinting as you nodded down another one of Sanchezâs crosses, and Huerta lined up to send one in from the other side.
You had been reluctant to agree to their request after practice, only saying yes to avoid Lindsey (from what Kelley could tell).Â
Lindsey glared at the pair as they asked you, cutting off her attempt to get close to you while you were getting water. That glare hadnât stopped, even as you headed back towards the pitch.Â
Lindsey was blatant with the daggers she was sending toward Sofia and Sanchez. But it didnât strike Kelley as friendly jealousy.Â
She was trying too hard to close the distance. She was watching you too closely.Â
It was too much.Â
âLooks like jealousy to me,â Emily chuckled, tightening her arms around Kelleyâs waist, and kissing just behind her ear. âSheâs totally jealous,â
âBut what kind of jealous?â Kelley asked slowly, leaning into Emilyâs lips. âWatch,âÂ
Emily followed her gaze. Lindsey stood on the sideline, arms crossed, watching where Huerta was setting up a cross. The midfielder glared at the young defender, muttering something neither Kelley nor Emily could hear just before she took the cross.Â
It was slightly off-target, but that wasnât a problem for you. You bodied it down and finished it easily with a heel flick.Â
Even without defenders around it was impressive.Â
It shouldnât be that easy.Â
âYou curl it where sheâs going, not where she is,â Lindsey hissed towards Huerta, as you kicked the ball out of the net, passing it to Sanchez.Â
Emilyâs eyebrows furrowed when you didnât stick up for the youngins like you normally would. But then again, that would require interacting with Lindsey.Â
It was strange to see Lindsey so moody, so⊠unhelpful.Â
âIt canât be Sofia right?â Emily asked.Â
Kelley snorted at the question. Sofia was sweet, but she tiptoed around you, and not in the way that would indicate anything remotely romantic. Plus you had been on a team with her before you went to Angel City. Things wouldnât have gotten as out of hand as they had.Â
âTobin would have murdered Huerta,â Kelley muttered thoughtfully. âAnd Y/n has barely looked at either of them,âÂ
The only person you had made eye contact with was Lindsey.Â
âIt canât be one of our teammates Kelley,â it was Emilyâs turn to scoff. âSheâs tearing herself apart and none of them would do that to her,âÂ
The team held soulmates above all else, and as far as she knew, none of them would hurt you that way. None of them would stand by idly while the dark circles grew under your eyes and the light left your smile. None of them would let you self-destruct trying to make them happy.Â
Kelleyâs shoulders lifted and fell. âI think the more pressing issue is her sleep schedule,âÂ
âChristen already warned me,â Emily agreed. âShe goes days without it if you donât watch her,âÂ
âIâll talk to Alex and get it swapped,â Kelley said. âSheâll understand and agree,âÂ
Their eyes watched you as you walked away from the youngins and finally settled onto the bench. Your exhaustion was obvious in the slump in your posture, the way you barely lifted your arm to squirt water into your mouth, even though you were trying to hide it.Â
You glanced down at your phone, glaring at the small device. You let out a long sigh, before pushing yourself to your feet and walking away from the group to answer the call.Â
âWe need to figure out whatâs going on outside of the soulmate thing too,â Kelley mumbled, her eyebrows furrowing. âCause whatever it is canât be good either,âÂ
Emily hummed in agreement. âDefinitely,âÂ
*****
It wasnât that Kelley liked to snoop. It was just that it was too easy to follow after you when you hadnât reappeared on the field after you took the phone call.Â
It had been too enticing to deny.
They needed to know what they were dealing with, and hearing part of that conversation would tell them what you wouldnât. Plus Kelley was like an older sister, protective and overbearing in her own way.Â
She could get away with a little spying, and if you caught her, you would be more likely to open up rather than flip out.Â
Kelley also wasnât stuck between you and Lindsey. She had always been closer to you.Â
So she crept up to the door that separated the bathroom from the locker room. She pressed the door open just enough to be able to see your form, pacing back and forth, the phone pressed to your ear.Â
âStop calling me Tyler. Nothing has changed, even now,â You growled, your lips forming a tight line. âI donât care that sheâs dying,âÂ
She frowned at the mention of your brother.Â
You ran a hand through your hair, tugging harshly at the strands as you listened to whatever he was saying, your head already shaking.Â
âThere is nothing to consider, stop calling me. I only need to know when itâs done,â You spat into the phone, ripping it away from your ear and jabbing at the screen before you tossed it carelessly toward your locker.Â
You looked like you wanted to scream or cry, or hit something, and Kelley felt her heart break for you.Â
You were always the strong one. You pretended to be fine for everyone elseâs sake. It was rare you let your vulnerability show. Rare enough that Kelley had never seen it herself.Â
You turned, content on pacing the small room again, only to freeze in your tracks at what Kelley assumed was a person at the door that connected the locker room to the hallway.Â
She leaned forward, catching blonde hair and white nail polish over crossed arms.Â
Lindsey, she thought.Â
The midfielder pushed off of the door, taking the three steps it took to close the space between you. Kelley wasnât sure how long Lindsey had been watching you. She wasnât sure how much of the conversation she had heard.Â
Your posture changed, and your eyes hardened. âLook, I canât deal with you too right now, alright?âÂ
The coldness of your tone shook Kelley to the core. She wasnât sure if you had ever used anything like it before.Â
âDeal with me?â Lindsey scoffed, exasperated stepping closer, so the two of you were nearly touching. âCanât I just be a concerned friend?âÂ
âWe are not friends,âÂ
Your voice was like ice. A knife razor sharp, and unyielding. You delivered it with a tilt of your chin, a glint in your eyes. A heavy blow thrown with complete accuracy. A blow to what Kelley didnât know, but from the way Lindseyâs face fell, she knew the shot had landed.Â
It didnât make sense. Not unless-Â
Kelleyâs jaw dropped at the implication. Lindsey couldnât be your-
âSo youâve said,â Lindsey said back, her voice too even, too calm despite the pain laced in it. But she didnât leave your space.Â
âDonât do that,â You snapped, shoving a finger in her chest and finally putting distance between you. Kelley winced at the action.Â
âWhat?â Lindsey bit back, her chin tilted up in defiance, her arms spread out to the side.âIâm not doing anything,âÂ
Kelley held her breath. There was more being said than the words between you, and the way your back straightened at Lindseyâs sentence was as bad a sign as she had seen.Â
âYouâre never doing anything,â You spat back. âPerfect Lindsey is always the victim, right? Itâs big bad Y/n who is in the wrong, preying on the innocent right?âÂ
You spat the words like venom. Like there was something else that went with them. A line that both you and Lindsey knew, but Kelley did not.Â
Lindseyâs face fell. âI donât-âÂ
âYou never fucking do!â You shouted, a flush traveling up your neck to your cheeks as your fists clenched. Hurt and anger permeating your entire being. âYou can stop being a bitch to Sanchez and Huerta. Theyâre kids who wonât leave me the fuck alone,â
Lindsey let out a long sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose. âLook Iâm sorry about what I said, ok?â
âNo. Itâs not ok Lindsey,â You answered, your voice soft but cold as ever. âIt will never be ok,âÂ
âWhat do you want from me?â Lindsey pleaded. âWhat do I say to fix it?â
You paused, staring at her like she had grown a third head.Â
âFix it? You havenât even told your fucking boyfriend yet, have you?â you asked the word bitterly, and her silence was enough of an answer for both you and Kelley. You shook your head. âYouâre un-fucking-believable, you know,âÂ
And it all made sense to Kelley. The tension between the two of you. Your pain.Â
âI donât-â Lindsey stuttered, but you cut her off easily.Â
âYou do,â You said, a weight of finality in your tone. âJust leave. me. alone. Donât look at me. Donât talk to me. Donât corner me. Just stay away from me,âÂ
The words were punctuated by the sound of you grabbing your bag, and Kelley stumbled back into one of the stalls, hoping you wouldnât catch her.Â
But she wasnât fast enough, caught in the curtain as you pushed your way through the door.Â
You rolled your eyes at the defender, more irritated by Lindsey than Kelleyâs eavesdropping.Â
You already expected the extra ears, especially after your episode at dinner with Kelley, Emily, and Preath. They were nosey, even if it was for the right reasons.Â
You chose to ignore her as you picked your own shower stall, partially because you didnât want to address it, but also because you didnât know if you could speak without your voice cracking and you didnât want to lose it here. Not with her in the next room, or your friends around to see.Â
You were not an emotional person, and being so raw made you uncomfortable.Â
âThat seemed like a rough conversation,â Kelley said finally, stepping so she could lean on the frame of the entrance to your stall.
You blew out a long, shaky breath, dropping your extra clothes and towel on the little chair.Â
âNot you too,â You grumbled. âwhatâs with you and Emily cornering me in bathrooms,âÂ
âWhatâs with you running to them?â Kelley countered, raising an eyebrow at you.
You closed your eyes, your head leaning back on the shower wall with a thump.Â
The sludge in your stomach sloshed unyieldingly. The pain in your chest echoing out with each beat of your heart. You unconsciously brought your hand up to clutch over the area, your nails digging into the sensitive skin through your shirt.Â
âI donât want to talk about this alright?âÂ
Kelley softened at the quiet, vulnerable request, reaching up to catch your hand, flattening it against her palm. âYouâre shaking,âÂ
You bit your lip, nodding down to your chest. âIt hurts,âÂ
Her eyes followed your gesture, and her heart sank a little bit more.Â
She knew the symptoms of soulmate sickness. She had experienced its effects for herself. That wasnât something she wanted you to have to go through.Â
âLet me see,â She said softly, waiting for you to nod before she reached for you.Â
She was gentle as she pulled your practice jersey over your head, her breath catching when she saw the black mark on your chest, right over your heart.Â
It was dark at the very center, several rings of what looked like bruises surrounded it and a web of black veins sprouted from the center.Â
It was a physical symptom of your emotional pain. A visual representation of rejection from a soulmate. The necrotic tissue spreading from your crushed heart.Â
She watched as the veins pulsed, pushing the dark color further from the epicenter, eating away at your chest.Â
âOh my god,â She breathed out, her eyes snapping to yours. âDo Tobin and Christen know?âÂ
You nodded once. It was hard to hide when you were living on their couch. Plus they had been there when the first black mark appeared. âIt wasnât this bad until last week. Things kinda took a turn,âÂ
âI can see that,â She said, retracting her hand when you winced after she lightly touched the angriest of the black veins. âWas this before or after your stopped sleeping,â
âI stopped sleeping after she rejected me the first time,â You scoffed, gritting your teeth when the pain pulsed yet again.Â
âWell thatâs not gonna continue,â Kelley said sternly. âI swapped with Alex,âÂ
âOf course, you did,â You groaned. âI donât need a parent,âÂ
âNo, you donât,â She said slowly. âBut you donât have to struggle through all of this alone,âÂ
You gulped, as her eyes searched you before she pulled you into a tight hug. You buried your face in her neck, letting her strong arm and scent soothe you.Â
âIâm not pushing Lindsey away because I want to be alone,â
âNo, youâre pushing her away because it hurts less,â Kelley agreed, and there was no judgment in her voice. âBecause every time you let her close, she cuts you,â
You appreciated that.Â
âIt didnât hurt like this until she called it a gay fantasy and accused me of sleeping with all of my friends,â You admitted, your voice barely above a whisper.Â
It was only after the dream that the mark appeared. You guessed it was because it was an actual rejection.Â
Kelley tensed underneath you, cursing under her breath. That was more than just a complication, and she wished Tobin had been more informative. Unless Tobin didnât know.Â
It made sense why you didnât want to sleep. Why was your brother bothering you? None of that made sense, but they could only tackle one problem at a time.Â
âSheâs an idiot,â Kelley said finally, pulling back so she could look you in the eye. âbut tearing yourself apart isnât the answer. You need sleep. Let me help,â
You met her eyes, and you saw the worry. The anger. The understanding that rivaled Tobins. She made you feel safe.Â
âOk,â
******
Kelley was on a warpath so deadly that even Emily didnât think she could stop her. Frankly, Emily wasnât sure if she even wanted to stop her.Â
Not after Kelley told her. Not after she saw the black mark herself. It made her chest ache just looking at it.Â
It was worse that she knew one of her best friends was the cause of it. That Lindsey had not only accused you of sleeping with your friends but dismissed your bond with such vulgar language.Â
They had been lucky to make it through dinner without any outbursts, especially with the way Lindsey stared at your every movement, stilted as they were, and the way she was glowering at Emily and Kelley like she knew they knew.Â
But Emily wondered if Lindsey knew. If she had given any thought to the consequences of her actions.Â
You had only stayed long enough to eat before excusing yourself back to your own room. Lindsey followed, sending a meaningful glare toward the defender pair as she passed.Â
âSheâs warning us,â Kelley muttered, standing as soon as the door closed. âI donât like it,âÂ
Emily sighed, pushing herself to her feet and trailing after her soulmate. âI donât like any of this,âÂ
She hoped Lindsey went back to her room. She hoped that Lindsey wouldnât push, not when you were already so far on edge.Â
Her hopes were dashed as the elevator doors binged open and there she was sitting outside your hotel room door.Â
âDonât you know the meaning of stay away?â Kelley growled as they approached the midfielder. Emily placed a gentle hand on Kelleyâs arm, hoping to prevent the second half of the sentence. The match that would light the inevitable blow up.Â
âSheâs probably asleep,â Emily said, her grip on Kelley tightening. Afraid of what the defender would say. âShe said she wanted to nap after she finished eating,âÂ
It had been a fight to get you to agree that you desperately needed a nap. A fight to get you to recognize that the only way to deal with the stress of camp was to give your body the support it needed.Â
âShe probably exhausted herself flirting with the kids,â Lindsey grumbled, patting the carpeted floor.Â
âShe exhausted herself protecting the little bit she has left.â Kelley snapped back. âWe could only convince her to sleep because we promised weâd prevent you from following her there. Prevent you from cornering her again,âÂ
It had been true. They swore they would make sure Lindsey stayed awake so you could avoid another unwanted confrontation, one Lindsey seemed intent on having.Â
You were too tired to fight, and both defenders feared that any more pushing would make the mark on your chest grow.Â
âThis isnât all my fault,â Lindsey bit back, shoving herself to her feet and advancing toward Kelley.Â
At least it got her away from your door.Â
Kelleyâs face hardened, and she pressed against Emilyâs restraining arm, getting as close to the midfielder as she could. âNo. You just belittled the bond you share and accused her of fucking all of her teammates,âÂ
Lindsey glared, stepping so she was toe to toe with Kelley at the clear challenge. âAre you trying to tell me that Y/n didnât fuck her way back to the plane in France, or on the beach in Florida?âÂ
âHow fucking blind are you Lindsey,â Kelley scoffed, her chest pushing against Emilyâs restraining arm, trying to get closer.Â
âEasy,â Emily said, her arm tightening around Kelley, her eyes never leaving the midfielder. âY/n has been trying to get over you for forever,âÂ
Lindsey's lip curled at the gentle admission. âAnd she followed you like a puppy when you brought her back to Portland,âÂ
A dark look crossed Emilyâs face. Both her and Tobin were particularly protective of your time in Florida for a reason. You were a mess when you got back. A self-destructive mess, and it had taken so long to get you out of those habits. To prevent more scars.Â
âThey were only so close because Em was the one who found her after I found you in the closet,â Kelley answered before she could, her voice turning cruel. âWhat was it you said to her as you shoved her half-dressed into the hallway? That what you two were doing meant nothing? That she meant nothing?â
Kelley would never forget finding you and Emily that night. The way her own soulmate explained exactly what Lindsey said to you. The guilt she felt at how knocking on a door had set your spiral into motion again.Â
But that was nothing compared to this. No. Lindsey had dismissed the bond you shared as a gay fantasy and you were tearing yourself apart over it.Â
âShe was afraid you would reject her again, or that she would have to pretend the two of you hadnât blurred the friendship line,â Emily added more softly, finally letting go of Kelley.Â
Leaving you alone didnât feel like a good move right now.Â
âGo, check on her,â Kelley said, pushing the blonde defender towards the door with a reassuring smile. âIâll be good I promise,âÂ
Kelley waited for the door to close before turning her cold eyes back on the midfielder.Â
âShe was right to be afraid,â She said, her voice soft but deadly, like a razor running on delicate skin. âYou fucked this up. You were the one who made the choice. Who has made all of the choices? You donât get to comment on how Y/n protects herself. You need to wake up before you push her too far,âÂ
With that, she stepped around the stunned midfielder and entered the hotel room too.Â
*****
âYou told me to call you when it was done,â Your brother's muffled voice met her as she stepped through the door. âItâs done. The service is tomorrow and youâre expected to be there,âÂ
She frowned at the scene, you perched on the end of the bed next to Emily, pinching the bridge of your nose, the phone held up to your ear.Â
âIâll be there,â You said softly, making eye contact with Kelley, exhaustion clear in your features.Â
There was no I love you exchanged between you and your brother as the line went dead.Â
Kelley approached you carefully, taking up your other side so you were seated between the defenders. âWhatâs going on?âÂ
You ran a hand through your hair, puffing out your cheeks and blowing out a long breath. You took a long moment to order your thoughts, pushing the ones of Lindsey from your mind.Â
You could only deal with one problem at a time.Â
âMy mom died, I have to go,â You said slowly, dragging your hand down your face. âIâll be back before the next game, but Iâve gotta go,âÂ
You pushed yourself to your feet and began shoving clothing into your bag.Â
âSlow down,â Kelley said, standing and catching your arm as you tried to shove a sweatshirt into your bag.Â
You stopped, throwing your head back toward the ceiling with a low groan. Kelleyâs hand found your back, silently supporting you.Â
âI canât,â The words slid from your lips, landing like Little rocks on a pond. âI didnât want to deal with any of this, but I have to,âÂ
âYour brother is the one whoâs been calling you,â Kelley supplied, filling in the gap.Â
You nodded. âMy mother was in hospice. Her dying request was a conversation with me,âÂ
âShe had no right to ask for that,â Emily said, moving to stand on your other side. âNot after the way you grew up,â
You bit your lip.Â
âY/n,â Kelley sighed, rubbing your back.Â
You shook your head. You didnât have a choice in this. In any of it.Â
âWell she did, and now sheâs dead,â You said finally, pulling yourself out of their comforting arms and towards your bag. âItâs another thing Iâve fucked up,â
The only good thing about this situation was that you would be back in time for the game against South Korea in Kansas City. That the game was in the town you had to go to anyway.Â
âStop. Look at me,â Emily caught your arm again, using a thumb under your chin to force you to look her in the eyes. She raised an eyebrow at you. âyou know none of this is your fault right?âÂ
Your shoulders lifted and fell, and for the first time, she saw the little spark in your eyes go dead. It was the first time she saw the full toll of the soulmate bond on you. The full force of the pressure from your family and the team.Â
âLook. I donât want to. I havenât wanted to deal with any of this, but I have to,â Your voice shook as you said the words. You gulped, shoving your feelings into a little box. âSo just let me, and try to get along with Linds. She canât help how she feels, and she doesnât need the entire team against her,âÂ
You didnât want them to fight a fight that wasnât their own.Â
It was between Lindsey and you, and they didnât need to destroy the team dynamic over something that was your problem.Â
You should be able to be her friend. It wasnât her fault that she didnât hold the same feelings you did.
The things she said to you were your problem, not your friendâs problem.Â
âI have to go,â You said, grabbing your bag.Â
Kelley stared at you for a long moment, before pulling you into a hug. âWeâre here for you,âÂ
You let out a breath, accepting the comfort. âI know,âÂ
You pulled away, nodding at Emily as you walked out the door.Â
You should have been expecting Lindsey to be waiting for you. You should have been prepared, but you werenât.Â
You made eye contact with her as you stepped into the hallway, and it made your chest ache. Her burning blue made the ice in your veins prickle, and your heart lurched in your chest.Â
You steeled yourself, opting to roll your eyes and step past her. It hurt less than commenting or trying to hold conversation.Â
But she didnât let you pass. Her fingers wrapped around your arm.Â
âY/n wait. Can we talk?â She asked, her fingers tightening slightly at the question.Â
You twisted your arm, pulling away, and stepping towards the elevator. You clicked the call button.Â
âMaybe you should try again later,â Emily said, sliding between you and Lindsey.Â
You could feel her sending you worried looks over her shoulder., trying to act as a mediator between her two best friends. You caught her hand, intent on telling her to stay out of it, that this was your problem, but Lindsey didnât give you the chance.Â
âWhatâs wrong with now?â Lindsey hissed, stepping closer so she was pressed into Emily, and Emily was pressed into you.Â
You took an involuntary step back, breathing a sigh of relief when the elevator binged open.Â
You didnât answer, stepping into the elevator, and making eye contact again as it slid closed.Â
âY/n please!â She pleaded as the door slid closed.Â
But you just blinked at her. You didnât have anything to say back.Â
You couldnât uncap your emotions now. If you did, you wouldnât be able to stop.Â
And you needed to be in control if you were going to face your family.Â
*****
Lindsey clutched her chest as the elevator door slid closed as if she was trying to grab the sudden pain that shot through her.Â
It was a feeling she had never experienced before. A stabbing sensation that lit her nerve endings on fire.Â
You had been so cold. So⊠indifferent, not towards her at least.Â
And she couldnât stand it. In the locker room, you had been all vitriol and rage. She could understand your anger. She knew how to respond to anger.Â
She could throw your pain back at you if you were simply angry. She could be angry in return. She could pretend that she didnât know she was hurting you. She could pretend that she didnât loathe herself for it.Â
But the way you looked at her. She couldnât pretend that you werenât in agony. That you werenât suffering.Â
She didnât know what to do with it. She didnât know how to stop. Not without admitting the truth, and that fucking terrified her.Â
But losing you terrified her more. It was her greatest fear.Â
She had almost convinced herself that she hadnât lost you. That it was just a disagreement you would get over. But as the elevator doors dinged shut, it was clear that this was different.Â
Her phone pinged, and it made her want to vomit. She knew it was him. She hated how her heart no longer leaped for him, but she wasnât ready to put him out of his misery either.Â
She glared down at the device, sliding down the wall next to the elevator, unable to hold herself up.Â
âGreat fucking timing,â She muttered, rubbing a frustrated hand through her hair.Â
She didnât know how to stop. She didnât know how to fix it. She just⊠didnât know.Â
She closed her eyes, tilting her head up to the sky. She wasnât sure if she believed in a god anymore (just that thought would make her parentsâ head roll), but if there was, she wished he would tell her what the fuck to do. She wished he would tell her how the fuck she was supposed to fix this.Â
She felt Emilyâs eyes on her for a long moment, before the defender slid down the wall to sit beside her.Â
âI didnât mean for this to happen,â Lindsey said, taking a deep, watery breath. âAny of this,âÂ
âShe didnât leave camp because of you,â Emilyâs shoulders lifted and fell. âHer mom died. Sheâll be back with us when we get to Kansas,âÂ
Lindsey sucked in another deep breath.
So that was what your brother was harassing you about. That was the thing he wanted you to do.Â
She knew how strained your relationship with your family was. Your mother kicked you out when you were 16 because she found you kissing your high school girlfriend.Â
When she called her your⊠gay fantasy.
She had used the same term to insult you.Â
Jesus, how was she so fucking stupid?Â
âIâm sorry,â
Lindseyâs voice was heavy, weighed down by emotions she didnât know how to put into words.Â
Emilyâs shoulders lifted and fell again. âItâs not me youâve gotta convince,âÂ
Lindsey hated how indifferent she sounded too. How careful not to get in the middle.Â
And as if on cue, her phone pinged again.Â
She glared at the device, straining to prevent herself from throwing it across the room as if it was the root cause of all of her issues.Â
It buzzed again in her hand.Â
Emily rolled her eyes at the device. âI think the first step to showing her youâre sorry is to have a very important conversation with him,âÂ
Lindsey frowned. How did Emily know she hadnât told him yet? âHow?âÂ
âA locker room isnât a good place for a private chat,â Emily shrugged for the 3rd time, and Lindsey wanted to scream. How was the blonde defender so⊠blasĂ©?Â
It made the ache in her chest throb like the pain was in time with her heart. She rubbed at the spot on her chest, and the weight of Emilyâs pitying gaze was too much to handle.
She couldnât stop the tears that trickled down her cheeks, or the sobs that shook her to her core.Â
She didnât deserve to cry. Not when she was the creation of the entire mess. Not when she was the one to make the choice.Â
Emily sighed, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her close.Â
Lindsey gripped her shirt with her free hand like her life depended on it.Â
Emily rubbed her back, resting her chin on blonde hair. It killed her to see you both so⊠distraught. She loved you both so much. No matter how unhappy she was with her friend, the blonde defender wasnât heartless. She couldnât sit back while one of her best friends sobbed.Â
She hugged Lindsey tightly, rocking side to side. âIâve got you. Youâre ok,âÂ
Lindsey shuttered against her chest, her tears leaking into Emilyâs shirt.Â
âIâm so sorry,â Lindsey cried, gripping Emilyâs shirt for dear life.Â
Emily shushed her softly. âI know,âÂ
She did know. She had seen the way Lindsey rubbed her chest and knew it was from the bond. The midfielder was getting a small taste of the agony you were in. A small feel of a soul being degraded.Â
âI donât know what to do,â Lindsey hiccupped, pulling away.Â
Emily sighed heavily, running a hand through her hair. She didnât know what to do either, well nothing that Lindsey was ready to do yet (break up with your boyfriend came to the front of her mind).Â
But past that, you werenât at a place where you were ready to forgive Lindsey either. The midfielder hit a very sore spot. She had opened old wounds with little care. Wounds that would take time to heal.Â
âWell,â Emily said slowly. âY/n has a lot to deal with right now. I donât think pressuring her will help,âÂ
âSo I give up?â Lindsey sniffed.Â
Emily shook her head, raising an eyebrow, and instantly correcting her. âI think you give her the space she asked you for,âÂ
Lindsey nodded once but bit her lip. âWhat if I see her? I canât stop the dreams,âÂ
Maybe a part of her was hoping to see you in a space where you couldnât run away. Where she could finally get out all the things she wanted to say, even if you werenât ready to hear it yet.Â
âI think you still try to give her space,â Emily cracked a smile as if she was reading the midfielder's mind. âYou remember how to be a good human, donât you?âÂ
Lindsey got the look in her eye that she did when they were running film, and she had just found the other teamâs weakness.Â
âI can do that,â She nodded, her determination clear.Â
Emily only hummed in response, I hope you can, echoing in her mind. Because if Lindsey couldnât, well, that wasnât a bridge Emily wanted to have to cross. It wasnât a bridge Emily thought you would survive crossing.Â
*****
Lindseyâs nose scrunched as she came into awareness, her arms folding around herself in a tight hug as she shifted on the uncomfortable wooden floor. Goosebumps erupted on her arms and legs, a doomed attempt to fight the cold that surrounded her and settled deep into her bones.Â
She shifted again as her eyes blinked open, the floor creaking dangerously below her. She squinted at the dim blue ceiling, trailing down the peeling blue walls.Â
It was dark and dingy, unlike the previous dreams the two of you had shared. She idly wondered if it was due to the only source of light being a small window above the bed, or if it was a manifestation of something darker.Â
She let out a breath, watching as it left her in a white puff of mist, curling gently around her, highlighting how sad your small form curled on the windowsill looked.Â
You matched the room it seemed.Â
There was a small twin bed shoved against one wall and a broken dresser that stood at the end of your bed. It surprised her that those were the only items within the 4 walls. You didnât even have a closet.Â
The only part of the room that looked new was the heavy wooden door. It had no handle, only a series of 4 shiny metallic locks. Her eyebrows furrowed. The keyholes were pointed inward.Â
She wondered if it was something the dream world had created. A way to force the two of you to have an actual conversation. One that she wasnât prepared for.Â
You had asked for space after all. She assumed that translated to the dream world instead.Â
âIt locks from the outside,â You answered her unasked question, never looking away from the window.Â
Her eyes snapped to you. âWhat?â
âThe door,â You said, turning to wave a hand at the object, and resting your chin on your knees. âMy mom used to lock it from the outside,âÂ
Her breath caught in her throat. She hadnât expected you to address her.Â
The red ring around your eyes was shocking, as was the way it made the Y/e/c in your eyes stand out. The pain in them was raw, real. It made Lindseyâs chest ache.Â
âOh,â She breathed out, the weight of the implication too heavy for her brain to work through.Â
She knew your childhood was bad, but seeing the place you had grown up was⊠something else. It made her feel like she had ice in her beings, prickling at her skin from the inside out.Â
You shrugged, letting your legs fall off the sill and sliding onto the small twin bed. It creaked underneath you. âThat's why I liked to sleep at the field. At least there I was free,âÂ
Lindsey swallowed the lump in her throat with a slow nod, trying not to focus on how the mattress dipped under your light weight.Â
You leaned forward, your feet resting on the floor, your elbows on your knees and your chin in your hands. And you looked⊠sad. Pale and completely defeated. Being in this place was more torment than anything else for you, and Lindsey wondered if this was actually the place you were sleeping for the night.Â
If your brother was punishing you for ignoring him. If you were surviving your family.Â
The silence stretched between the two of you, as you chewed on your bottom lip watching her as she watched you. You reminded her of a wounded animal, backed into a corner. Trapped in a cage you couldnât escape.Â
It made Lindseyâs chest ache. She couldnât just sit in silence with you.Â
âI- I know you donât believe me, but Iâm sorry,â She stuttered out, barely above a whisper.Â
You instinctively knew she was telling the truth, and part of you wondered if it was some weird soulmate thing. The other part of you was too⊠exhausted to care.
You shifted on the bed, carefully rubbing over the spot on your chest, grimacing as you pressed too hard into the tender skin.Â
You couldnât deal with that and your family and Lindsey all at the same time. It was just⊠too much.Â
âCan we just⊠not?â You asked slowly, and you hated the pain that permeated the sentence. You hated how Lindsey slumped back against the wall at the request. How⊠hurt she looked.Â
You didnât want to hurt her, no matter how much pain she had inflicted on you. Two wrongs didnât make a right.Â
She was once your best friend. She had held you while you suffered serious abuse in France. She held you together during your first NWSL season, and during the World Cup when the pressure of being back in the place that had hurt you and the need to perform had been too much. She had willingly blurred and crossed lines that you never had before.Â
Lindsey had always helped you handle your emotions, and though you didnât have the right to ask her, you needed her in a way that settled deep in your bones. Like you couldnât breathe without her.Â
You took a deep breath, steeling yourself for the rejection you knew you deserved.Â
âLook, I know itâs a lot to ask, but can we just pretend tonight that we donât hate each other?â You asked, so softly she almost didnât hear you, staring at the floor right by her feet.Â
âWhat?â Her eyebrows furrowed as you made eye contact again.Â
You worried your bottom lip, taking a second to gather the courage to ask her again. âCan we just be the old Y/n and the old Lindsey?â You held out a hand, noticing it was shaking. Your entire body was shaking. âjust for tonight? Can we pretend that none of this ever happened?âÂ
Lindsey had every right to deny you, especially when that was all she had asked of you from the beginning. All she wanted was to keep her best friend, and you couldnât give her that. You told her you werenât friends.Â
Why in the hell should she give you this now?Â
Lindsey gulped, slowly standing and taking your hand. Emilyâs words echoed in her head. You remember how to be a good human, donât you?
âYeah, we can do that,âÂ
Your hand squeezed hers once, twice, three times.Â
She smiled softly, as you scooted back on the bed, making space for her beside you. She very slowly joined you on the bed, trying not to wince when it nearly collapsed around the two of you. You wiggled your way under her arm, gently settling your head on her chest.Â
Warmth bloomed from the spot that you touched. It made the icicles in her veins retreat. It made the pain in her chest shrink. It made her feel⊠right.Â
She let her fingers trace patterns on your back and felt you slowly relax against her. She held you closer when she felt the tears leaking through her shirt and the subtle shake of your back.Â
Each little droplet burned her like acid, and the ice followed in their wake. It killed her that she was the reason for them.Â
âI donât hate you,â Lindsey said, breaking the silence between you, staring at a dark patch in the ceiling. âAnd I had no right to say those things to you. I let my jealousy get the best of me,âÂ
You hummed in response, rubbing your cheek against her chest. It made the pain in your chest lessen.Â
âIâm so so sorry,â She continued, her words disappearing into your hair.Â
She didnât expect a verbal response from you. She didnât need a verbal response.Â
She held you tighter though, smiling when she felt your heart rate slow against her, knowing that at least she was settling you instead of upsetting you tonight.Â
You closed your eyes and breathed in her scent, nearly as strong in the dreams as it was in real life.Â
âLove you Linds, always,â You mumbled against her, not looking up to see her reaction.Â
She stilled beneath you, waiting for your breathing to completely even out before she pressed her lips to the crown of your head.Â
âI love you too,âÂ
Always.
*****
It was scary how exhaustion and pain were becoming an everyday part of your life. How you were used to the stabbing sensation in your chest, and the tingles that sprouted from it. How you were used to the little anvils behind your eyelids. How you were used to fighting your instincts to curl up and hide away.Â
By the time you made it to the hotel in Kansas City, you were losing that fight. You felt so heavy, exhaustion hitting you so bone-deep it was integrated into your very being.Â
It only took one look at you by the trainers and they were agreeing that a nap in your room was much needed. They let you grab a lunch plate and head up with little question. Kelley and Emily hadnât bothered you either, only putting the tv on low while you dozed.Â
By dinner time, you felt ready to face the team. Well, as ready as you were going to get.Â
You rolled your eyes as you stepped into the hallway and saw Lindsey already waiting, seated beside your door, kicking yourself for not getting dressed fast enough to walk down with Kelley and Emily.Â
You hoped that this didnât become a new normal for her. You were too tired to try and avoid her or to confront her head-on.Â
âHey,â She said, scrambling to a standing position.
You tilted your head in acknowledgment, stepping past her and clicking the elevator button.Â
It felt eerily similar to the last time the two of you had spoken in person. Except this time she followed you into the elevator.Â
âSo silent treatment?â She asked mostly to herself as the doors slid shut, trapping the two of you together.Â
Your shoulders lifted and fell. You had nothing against talking to Lindsey, you were just so exhausted.Â
You knew that you should bring up the shared dream, and the words that she had whispered when she thought you couldnât hear. You knew you should thank her for comforting you when you had no right to ask for it.Â
But what else was there to say? You had said it was only for the night, and you were damned and determined to keep that. She deserved for you to let her be happy, even if it wasnât with you.Â
You were too⊠raw to hear her say it though. Too raw for her to tell you again that she was going to choose him. That her comforting you had indeed been only for the night. Plus, it didnât matter what she said while the two of you were alone. You knew the minute you were back with your friends, things would go back to the way they were before the dream, so believing her now would only⊠hurt more.Â
Your chest already ached at the thought.Â
Stifling silence was better than being rejected again.Â
Lindsey sighed heavily from beside you, placing a heavy hand on your arm, forcing you to look at her. âLook, I just wanted you to know that I meant what I said, All of it,â
You swallowed hard, trying to ignore the way goosebumps erupted across your arm where her skin touched yours.Â
You had meant everything that you said too, no matter how much you loathe to admit it, but you were sure Lindsey already knew that. She was by no means blind to how wrapped around her fingers you were.Â
She had known that you loved her since you were both barely adults. She had known since the first time the two of youâŠÂ
It didnât matter what she knew. It didnât matter what she said. She had said it all before, hadnât she? And you didnât want to pretend anymore. You were too tired for games.Â
You nodded toward her, unwilling to argue. Her eyes tightened, and you could tell that she wanted to say more.Â
But you didnât want to hear it. She could say whatever she wanted, but peopleâs emotions didnât change overnight. A dream wasnât some magical Band-Aid that would fix everything that was broken. Especially when you were the one to say the truce was only for the night.Â
Her mouth opened, but the elevator ding interrupted her before she could speak. Before she had the chance to crack the already broken shell you had built around yourself.Â
You stared at her for a long moment, frozen in time, trapped in the deep pools of her sorry eyes, before you ripped your arm away from her and darted out of the elevator.Â
You were moving so fast, looking behind you that you didn't see his tall, solid form until you were crashing into him. Her arms caught your shoulders as he steadied you. Â
âWhoa, easy,â He chuckled. Liquid fire raced from your heart, out to the points he had touched, an unnerving numbing chasing after it. You pulled away from him like you had been burned.Â
Your head whipped between him and Lindsey as you stumbled backward. Just as you thought, she only cared for you when no one was watching.Â
You had been right not to trust her.Â
*****
Pain was slowly becoming your close companion, the low ache in your chest and sludge in your stomach unwelcome friends that refused to leave your company. You closed your eyes tightly, pressing your face further into the cool cloth of the dining table.Â
Emily and Kelley's warm hands did little to ease the throbbing emanating from the dark mark on your chest.Â
âWhat is he even doing here?â You groaned into the white cloth, your eyes closed tightly leaning back into the soothing touch of your friends. It did little to help you, but you appreciated the effort.Â
You didnât want to deal with the situation. With him. You had thought about what you would do if you ever met him. If you were ever forced to be in the same room as him, and none of those options seemed viable.Â
You were too exhausted, too pained to tell him what you thought of him. You cared for Lindsey too much to expose that she had lied to him, and it hurt too much to pretend like you were fine.Â
âItâs her 100 cap celebration,â Kelley supplied, sounding equally as annoyed as you felt. Her finger lightly grazed the angry black line that extended over your shoulder. You doubted that your kit top would cover it, and you worried that the commentators would draw more attention. That after the game you would be flooded with comments from fans who didnât understand and media outlets who wanted to profit off of your pain.Â
They didnât understand that it was excruciating being forced to watch your soulmate galavant with her boyfriend. You knew you shouldnât have gotten your hopes up, but It still made you want to vomit.Â
âI didnât think they were still talking. I thought she told him,â Emily mumbled, rubbing your back again as a form of apology. âShe hasnât been taking his calls since you left,âÂ
You forced yourself upright, shrugging off the hand and grabbing your fork. You angrily stabbed at your fruit.Â
You hated that Emily had been caught between the two of you. It had acid pooling in your throat and made the throb moving up your shoulder pulse. Your pain should not be shared by your friends, and yet-
You shook your head, bringing the fruit to your lips.Â
You felt dirty. Emily had agreed to help Lindsey and now the midfielder was flaunting her relationship in front of you all.Â
âNone of this is your fault,â You mumbled, chewing slowly. âItâs on her. She told me she loved me and nowâŠ-â
You shook your head again. You didnât want an apology from Emily or Kelley. You didnât even want one from Lindsey. You just wanted to be done. To run away and never come back. For it all to just⊠stop.
âThereâs a difference between loving someone and being in love,â Kelley said softly, gently, like you were a fragile thing she was afraid to break.Â
You hummed. You knew that. It was just part of you⊠a small part⊠wanted to believe that she could love you. That eventually, she would choose to love you. It was that small hope that kept the soul-sucking ache at bay. That had helped you force your way through your visit with your family and all of their unwanted commentary.Â
âI justâŠâ You trailed off, unsure of what you were even going to say. Your family had sapped all of your emotional energy, and this. Well, this just took whatever little you had left. âI donât even know,âÂ
Maybe you would run off to Australia this time, where no one would ever think to look for you and your path would never cross with your soulmate. Not even during dreams.Â
You took another bite of your fruit.Â
âHey guys,â Lindsey smiled hesitantly, approaching the table and pausing beside the two empty chairs across from you. It drew the attention (and glares) of the entire table to her.Â
Your eyes were on her instantly. On the way his hand cupped the small of her back protectively and how she leaned back into him.Â
The knife in your chest twisted and the sludge sloshed. You did not doubt that the mark above your heart would grow. It always did when she rejected you.Â
You missed the greetings your friends sent their way, adding in your silent nod when Emily nudged you.Â
At least Ty pulled her chair out for her as they sat across from you.Â
You stared at him with a sort of masochistic curiosity, trying to see what she saw.Â
He leaned forward in his chair, reminding you of a giddy child, his dimples showing. âYou all ready for South Korea?â
Maybe she liked the way his dirt-colored eyes glinted with excitement. Or the way his head bobbed when he talked.Â
It made your stomach roll again, ripping away the little appetite you had.Â
You cleared your throat, pushing your plate away and standing. Your chair screeched against the floor. âNo, I need to go get my stuff together,âÂ
You grabbed the still full plate, ignoring Emily and Kelleyâs worried glances and Lindseyâs concerned eyes as you turned on your heel and headed for the door.Â
You didnât want or need Lindseyâs concern because clearly, she didnât care enough.Â
âSo maybe I shouldnât place too many bets on a high score line,â Ty chuckled, seemingly oblivious to your abrupt departure, or the awkward silence that had settled over the table. He glanced down at his plate, his smile only getting wider. âAh shit, I forgot silverware,â he kissed Lindseyâs cheek and stood, his hand lingering on her shoulder as he headed back towards the food table. âBrb babe,âÂ
She sent him a half smile back and then turned back to the unimpressed looks from her friends.Â
âYouâre really something,â Kelley muttered around her glass. âBut you already knew that,â
Lindseyâs eyebrows furrowed and she watched the defender carefully. âWhat?â
Kelley shook her head, her lips pursing as if she was thinking too hard about what she was going to say next. âYouâre going to kill her, and you donât even care,âÂ
Lindseyâs frown deepened, a crease forming on her forehead. She was killing you? She knew you were in pain but⊠killing?
She couldnât wrap her head around it. âWhat?âÂ
The words felt dumb falling from her lips and she felt dumb for uttering them.Â
âYouâre going to kill her,â Kelley repeated, her teeth gritting, even as Emilyâs hand landed on her thigh. A warning to keep her from saying more. The older defender took a long breath. âAnd I wished you gave a fuck. It would feel more fair if you pretended to give a fuck,âÂ
âI do give a fuck,â Lindsey hissed back, unable to stop the red that flooded her cheeks or the unwanted shiver that ran down her spine.Â
She cared about you far more than she wanted to admit. She cared so much that it hurt. It made the spot in her chest right above her heart ache and burn. It was a sting she couldnât even properly put into words.Â
Kelleyâs glass hit the table with more force than she meant for it to, and Emilyâs hand tightened on her thigh.Â
âI canât be on your side when you do things like this,â Emily said, disappointment dripping from her voice.Â
âFor the record, I was never on your side,â Kelley interrupted her lip curling.Â
âWe talked about this,â Emily continued as if Kelley hadnât spoken. âAnd this isnât-â
âIâm trying, alright,â Lindsey bit out, interrupting the blonde defender. âI thought he would get the message,âÂ
She had been ignoring him for weeks. She didnât invite him, but suddenly he was here.Â
Kelley snorted, crossing her arms. âAnd now heâs here,âÂ
The older defender shook her head. She could still feel the black vein on your neck pulsing beneath her fingers like a dark promise. A siren of what was to come. A warning light that hadnât been there before you had come face to face with him.
Emilyâs fingers tightened on her. She wasnât supposed to fight with Lindsey. She wasnât supposed to get involved, she had promised you she wouldnât but⊠she couldnât just sit and watch.Â
Not while you were so insistent on ripping yourself apart to keep the truth from Lindsey.Â
Emily sighed, running the hand not holding Kelley through her hair. She knew she needed to pick her words carefully.Â
âYou know how to be a good human Lindsey,â She said slowly, pushing herself to stand. You shouldnât be left to your own devices for long. âand youâre running out of time,â
She sent the midfielder a meaningful look before turning on her heel and heading off to find you.Â
Kelley watched her leave, also pushing herself to stand.Â
She paused, tapping her knuckle on the table and looking directly into Lindseyâs burning blue eyes. âYou need to make the right choice,âÂ
She didnât wait for Lindsey to reply before she too left the table, only taking a second to send Ty a glare as he reappeared at the table before heading out the door.Â
Lindsey could only watch her, slightly stunned. Her hand idly came up to rub the spot right above her heart that never stopped aching.Â
âEverything alright?â Ty asked, his hand landing heavily on her shoulder. Her eyes snapped to meet his. It burned where he touched her. It made the ice prickle in her veins. It felt⊠wrong.Â
He looked concerned for her. He cared about something that he didnât understand because he cared for her. It made the acid in her stomach bubble.Â
He slid into the seat beside her, wrapping his arm more tightly around her.Â
âEverything's fine,â She muttered, leaning into him, frowning when his warmth did nothing to soothe the prickling in her veins or the pain in her chest.Â
He squeezed her shoulder. âYou sure?âÂ
She sent him a very tight smile and a short nod. âEverything is wonderful,âÂ
He mirrored her, kissing her forehead and returning to his meal.Â
His lips burned, and all she could feel was the impression of yours. How many times had you kissed her forehead after an intimate moment or comforted her when things looked bad? How many times had you wrapped your arm around her so she could snuggle into your chest?Â
It made the pit in her stomach deepen, and she had no idea how she could stop it.Â
*****
You didnât think yourself to be a superstitious person, but you liked to keep your pre-game ritual similar. You liked your process. It helped you get your head in the right space, and you desperately needed something that would let you focus on anything other than Lindsey and her boyfriend.Â
Your hands shook as you wrapped your red pre-wrap around your wrist, counting each pass in your head.Â
It was something you had done since the middle of your run with PSG in France. A tradition that fans talked about online, but no one ever asked about it directly.Â
For that you were thankful.Â
The only person who understood was Lindsey. She had seen the lines that littered the inside of your wrists and arms. The lines that had been a physical manifestation of your pain. Habits that you had relied on off and on since your time in France. Once you had only given up after Emily made you promise. After she saved you from Florida.Â
A part of you wished she hadnât saved you.Â
The coral had felt good digging into your back, slicing you open like cheese on a grater as the ocean waves had their way with you. It felt good to give up control. To just be. You remembered the moment that your foot tether got caught on the rocks. How you hadnât panicked. How you felt almost⊠relieved. How you stopped trying to reach for the diving knife you always kept on you or the velcro still around your ankle. Â
You could still feel the burn of the salty ocean water as it fought its way past your lips, how it stung your nose and throat as you finally let go. You could still see the last bubble that escaped your lungs as the water rushed in and the diver's wide eyes as she cut you free just seconds before it was too late.Â
Your oxygen-deprived brain had been convinced it was Lindsey coming to save you. That you werenât nothing to her.Â
And then you had woken up to bright lights and beeping machines.Â
A hand covered your own, catching the athletic tape slipping through your fingers before it could fall to the ground. Your eyes snapped up to meet its owner, softening at Sofiaâs shy smile.Â
âWant some help?â
She gestured towards your arms, shaking the tape in her hand.Â
Your eyes followed it, and you sucked your bottom lip in between your teeth.Â
The only person who had ever helped you with your tape was Lindsey.Â
It was frustrating how intertwined you were with her, even when she didnât want you. How you had shared so much of your life with her while she shared hers with him.Â
âOr I can get Kelley or Emily,â Sofia said quickly, misinterpreting your hesitation. âYou just look like you shouldnât be alone,âÂ
âNo, I,â You shook your head. The words were caught in your throat. Trapped there by an invisible ocean of rushing water surging into your lungs.Â
You missed Huerta's gesture towards Kelley behind your shoulder or the way several of your teammates were looking at you with worried eyes.Â
You only noticed when a warm, familiar hand landed on your shoulder, a thumb brushing the little black vein creeping up your neck.Â
âHey, Y/n take some deep breaths,â She said, very close to your ear, trying to keep her voice soft and calming. âEm will be back here in a few minutes. She just had to talk to the staff about her jersey,âÂ
You shook your head. âIâm ok Kell,â
She raised her eyebrow at you, unimpressed, and her fingers pressed into the little black vein just above your elbow as Huerta began to do your wrap. âYou arenât, and we both know it,â
You were pretty sure the entire team knew by this point, especially if the pitying looks Alex and Megan were sending your way were anything to go off of. It wasnât like you were doing a good job of hiding it.Â
You had never been good at pretending and you were just so tired.Â
âI just need to make it through pre-game, and Iâll be fine,â You said too quickly. The field had always been your safe space, the game the only place where you felt free. If you could just make it there, then maybe you could postpone the inevitable. Maybe it would give you enough time not thinking for you to pull yourself together.Â
Kelley let out a long sigh, her fingers squeezing your shoulder. âAnd then what?â
âIâll play the game,â You answered automatically, robotically.Â
âThen what happens after the game?â Kelley pressed, just as Sofia let go of your wrist and caught your other arm.Â
You instantly ran it through your hair, closing your eyes tightly. âI havenât really thought that far,âÂ
Sofia tried to keep her eyes on your arm, tried not to look towards the little sliver of skin that appeared when you shifted again and tried not to notice the angry black lines just barely visible below the hem of your jersey.Â
She swallowed hard, focusing too much on finishing the wrap on your arm.Â
She knew where marks like that came from, the entire team did. She knew that if she asked you about it, it would likely push you over the edge, the one you were already teetering on.Â
âPretending that it doesnât exist won't make it disappear,â Kelley murmured, her thumb squeezing the place between your shoulder and neck, trying to alleviate the tension she felt there.Â
You shrugged off her hand, catching the tape from Sofiaâs grasp as she made the last turn around your wrist. âWhat other choice do I have?âÂ
Your voice was cold and thin. Like taking a step on a lake that was barely frozen over. It held a danger Sofia didn't necessarily understand beneath the surface, but it was enough.Â
She cleared her throat, blinking up at you as she tore the tape roll from the piece secured to your arm, ignoring the glares burning into the side of her face from across the room.Â
âI think you always have a choice,â She mumbled, pushing herself to stand.Â
Your eyebrows furrowed.Â
âSoph,â Kelley said gently, trying to cut the defender off.Â
Sofia shook her head. âNo. Itâs true. We always have a choice,âÂ
A very small smile cracked across your features at her insistence. At her innocence. You very gently squeezed Kelley. Telling her that it was ok. âThe problem is, someone else got to make it for me,âÂ
Sofia frowned her eyes darting over your shoulder, and you opened your mouth to continue. To try and explain the mess of a situation you found yourself in. How the only choice you had was to suffer for her.Â
But you didnât have to. She took a step forward, catching your hand. âLook, I donât know whatâs going on, but youâve got the youngins and me behind you. No matter what,âÂ
You nodded once, swallowing the lump suddenly caught in your throat.Â
She squeezed your arm for a long second before moving past you.Â
You watched her go, your eyes trailing over her form and towards Lindsey who was shooting daggers your way.Â
Kelleyâs hand tightened on your shoulder. âitâs not just the youngins,â She said, sending a glare back toward Lindsey. âYouâve got the entire locker room behind you,â
You shrugged her off, ducking your head away from Lindseyâs burning eyes and moving back towards your locker. âI donât need anyone to fight. Thatâs not fair to her,âÂ
You didnât even notice how your hand instinctively came up to rub at the ever-present twinge in your chest.Â
âAnd none of this is fair to you,â Kelley said sternly, her eyes never leaving Lindseyâs.Â
You sighed. It wasnât that you didnât appreciate Kelleyâs protectiveness, it was just that you were so tired, and she was making your plan to ignore the ache in your chest even more difficult than it already was. You didnât need any more reasons to fall apart, not when you were already struggling to hold the frayed ends of yourself together.Â
You just needed to make it through the game, and then you could disappear to Antarctica to die in peace.Â
âCan we just⊠not?â You muttered, finally letting your exhaustion peek through the cracks in your voice. Kelleyâs head snapped towards the sound, and a little part of you instantly hated the vulnerability leaking through your shell. âI just need to get through this game,âÂ
She blew out a long breath of her own, and you knew she wanted to argue. To say that pushing it all down wouldnât do anyone any good, but she didn't. She nodded once, âYeah, we can just not,âÂ
******
The game against Korea was⊠frustrating. More frustrating than you had expected it to be.Â
You just couldnât seem to get your head in the game, which was strange because the only part of your life that wasnât falling apart was the pitch.Â
Everything just felt off. You couldnât connect with Lindsey and all 12 of your shots had either pinged off the crossbar or landed safely in the keeper's waiting hands.Â
It was infuriating, and as the minutes slowly ticked by, you could feel yourself getting more and more worked up. Your passes to Alex and Mal were wide, your collection of balls from Sofia was increasingly sloppy and any chance you had at that point was shit. You could feel yourself giving in to your inner turmoil. Giving in more and more to the building pressure and Vlatkoâs unhelpful demands.Â
It was pathetic and you couldnât help but despise yourself.Â
By the time the final whistle blew, you were just done. More done than you could ever remember being.Â
You always sought to find your limit. To push yourself until you couldnât push yourself anymore. You always claimed you hadnât found the edge yet.Â
But here you were, teetering on the wrong side of it.Â
You hoped maybe a shower would tether you to reality. That the hot water would be a welcome solace. That it would be the balm to the burning ache that settled heavily in your chest.Â
You hoped that the universe would give you a fucking break for once.Â
But of course, it couldnât.Â
You barely paid attention to the fans as you quickly finished your mandatory lap around the field, and headed towards the tunnel, ignoring the people calling your name as you slipped inside.Â
The sight that met you made you wish you hadnât. It made you wish you had pretended to be fine for them.Â
It made your heart stop.Â
The sight of him pressing her into the wall, their lips connected. Of his hands heavy on her hips, and her fingers tangled in the baby hairs at the back of his neck. Of his thigh working its way between her legs and the way she leaned into the feeling.Â
It made your chest bubble and your stomach churn, but you couldnât force yourself to look away.Â
You were just⊠frozen.Â
You were stuck, wondering if it had looked the same way when you kissed her. If she had melted against you like she melted for him. If the two of you fit as seamlessly as they did. If her head tilted the same way, trying to get a better angle. If she enjoyed his kisses as much as she enjoyed yours.Â
You could almost imagine her mouth against yours. The passion and love that you could always feel when she kissed you. How it filled you from the tips of your toes to the very top of your ears. It was another part of her that was imprinted on your soul.Â
It was like watching a trainwreck, and you reveled in the morbid curiosity. In the knife twisting in your chest, slicing through your already torn heart with little care.Â
She was kissing him where everyone could see them. Where a camera could spot them down the tunnel. Where the cheering of fans had just barely dulled.
It struck you like the wrong note on a guitar.Â
She was proud to be his.Â
She was never proud to be yours. Hell, she was never even yours. She was ashamed of you, and she kept you hidden like a dirty little secret.Â
It was pathetic that you couldnât see it until now. That you had been too stubborn to accept that she would never want you. Not when she had him.Â
You were pathetic. Unwanted. Completely unlovable.Â
The realization was like a grenade exploding in your chest, blowing apart the little pieces of your heart that were left.
âCome on,âÂ
Warm hands were suddenly on your shoulder, and a voice was very close to your ears, but you barely heard it over the roaring in your head or the pounding of your heart.Â
The hands urged you forward, towards the locker room and away from the scene. It felt like you were underwater, the halls passing too slowly and too quickly all at the same time. The lines of the concrete walls blurred together. Your stomach rolled just as the locker room door swung open, and you were pushed into a seat.Â
âI can't fucking believe her,â Emily hissed, slamming the door carelessly behind her.Â
Kelley sighed, settling down beside you and catching your hand. âI can,âÂ
You hadnât even realized your nails were digging into your chest, clawing at your racing heart, trying to get to the burning ice it was pushing through your veins. Your stomach bubbled, and you could feel the bile climbing to the back of your throat.Â
âI think Iâm going to be sick,âÂ
The words barely left your lips before a trash can was pressed into your chest.Â
Kelley rubbed your back as you heaved, emptying what little was in your stomach into the trash can. âLet it out, kid,âÂ
You grimaced, pulling away when you were finished, accepting a towel from Emily as she took the trash can. You wiped your mouth, ignoring the pity radiating from her.Â
You didnât want her pity. You didnât want anyoneâs pity. You wanted to disappear. To⊠never have existed, to begin with.Â
Emily blew out a long breath, settling beside you, her head resting in her palms. âShe just⊠I thought she was sorry. I thoughtâŠâ
âItâs not your fault,â You croaked, shaking your head.Â
It wasnât anyoneâs fault but your own. If you werenât so weak then maybe Lindsey would think you were worthy of her.Â
âNo. This is all on Lindsey,â Alex said, her voice edging on exasperation. âI donât know what the fuck she was thinking,âÂ
You blinked up at them, realizing for the first time that your other teammates had followed you, Emily, and Kelley, back. That you werenât alone.Â
It was like a switch flipped in your head. Like the volume of a radio getting turned up to 11. The voices of your teammates blurred together around you in an indignant symphony of too much sound.
 You couldnât handle it. You didnât have enough emotional fortitude to deal with this. Not in a way that wouldnât upset them.Â
Your fingers dug into your temples. You didnât want them to be involved.Â
âStop,â You said, your voice barely above a whisper.  Â
The room froze in response, their pitying gazes sinking into your form.Â
You didnât want their pity either.Â
You cleared your throat, trying to push through the croakiness. âIâm too tired to deal with this shit. I just-âÂ
The words died on your lips as the locker room door swung open, and Lindsey stepped into the room.Â
Everyone's attention snapped to her, and you couldnât help the way your eyes dragged down her form. You couldnât help how you traced the flyaway hairs pulled from her tight ponytail, the slight swelling of her lips, or the way her jersey was slightly bunched just above her waist. It was evidence. The final nails in an already closed coffin.Â
You cleared your throat again, tearing your eyes away from her and examining your still cleat-covered foot, ignoring the suffocating tension that had built in the room. âI think Iâm just gonna go to the bus and catch a nap. Iâll shower when we get back to the hotel,âÂ
The words sounded robotic as they left your lips, scratchy in a way that your voice rarely was, almost like someone else was saying them.Â
They hung in the air for a long minute as you gathered the strength to push yourself to your feet.Â
âOh,â Lindsey breathed out, but you ignored it, focusing instead on trying to keep your legs from wobbling as you shoved yourself up.Â
âIâll come with you,â Kelley said, mirroring your move stand and casually wrapping an arm around your waist, steadying you. âIâm tired too. A nap might be good,âÂ
A part of you wanted to be annoyed with the defender, but the larger, exhausted part of you was grateful for her protectiveness.Â
You leaned into her, letting her care and safety wrap around you, as she guided you out of the room.Â
You knew she couldnât shield you for forever, but you would take any moment of peace that you could get.Â
*****
Lindsey stood frozen as you brushed past her, Kelleyâs glare daring her to try and stop you.
It filled her with a feeling she didnât quite understand.Â
She could feel the angry gazes of her teammates as she trudged back to her locker. They were like sites on a gun, and she was waiting for whatever bullet they wanted to send.Â
âDo I have something on my face?â She asked toward no one in particular as she pulled off her boots and socks. âOr are we starting a new trend where we stare as people undress,âÂ
âKelleyâs right,â Sofia said, her voice breaking through the murmurs spreading around the locker room. âYouâre fuck-â
âNo,â Emily interrupted the young defender, with a small shake of her head, looking more tired than Lindsey had ever seen her. âY/n doesnât want us to fight,âÂ
âLet her finish Em,â Lindsey spat back, annoyed even if she didnât have a right to be. Even if she was in the wrong. Being angry was easier than facing the truth. âGet it off your chest. What is Kelley right about?âÂ
âThat it would feel more fair if you pretended to give a fuck,â Emily said softly before Sofia could answer, and Emily saw recognition in the other defender's eyes.
It was the least inflammatory thing Kelley had said. The only thing that didnât indicate malicious intent in Lindseyâs actions. The only true thing that hopefully wouldnât cause Lindsey to dig her heels in more.Â
They werenât sure how much more digging you could take.Â
âI do give a fuck,â Lindsey hissed, accentuating the irritation she felt at the jab.Â
Sofia scoffed. âYes, because kissing your boyfriend just feet from the edge of the tunnel you knew your soulmate was going to walk down is totally giving a fuck,âÂ
Lindsey finally looked up at the young defender, meeting her burning glare.Â
Her lip curled at the implication. âThat wasnât planned,âÂ
âAnd you were trying your hardest to stop it werenât you?â Sofia bit back sarcastically, ignoring Emilyâs hand on her arm. The warning to slow down. âThatâs why you were pulling him closer to you instead of pushing him away,âÂ
Lindsey's eyebrows furrowed. She hadnât been expecting the venom in those words. The disdain. Maybe from Kelley, or even Alex, Tobin, and Christen, sure. She expected the vets to be upset because they understood the history she had with you.Â
She never expected someone new to the team to butt into an already complicated situation. One they clearly didnât understand.Â
âWhat the fuck is your problem,â Lindsey bit back, squinting at the defender. âI donât know why you think you have the right to comment-âÂ
âBecause no one else will,â Sofia growled. âWeâre watching Y/n destroy herself and no one will say anything because she cares too much about you to let us. Someone needs to care about her, and it certainly isnât you,âÂ
âSoph,â Emily attempted to interrupt her, to cut off the building anger crackling off of Lindseyâs form, and to stop Sofia from saying something that you didnât want Lindsey to know.Â
âNo. Donât Soph me. She needs to know!â The defender bellowed, her chest heaving as she finally ripped her eyes away from Lindsey. âFuck whatever convoluted chivalrous act Y/n wants to pretend sheâs committing. Youâve seen the-â
âThatâs enough.â Emily snapped, authority filling her voice, silencing Huerta before she could finish her sentence.Â
Huerta met her eyes, and an unspoken conversation passed between them.Â
Lindseyâs eyes widened at the sentence. What had Emily seen that she hadnât? She knew you were in pain, that was obvious, but was there something that she wasnât seeing?Â
She needed to know.Â
âNo, let her continue since she thinks she knows Y/n so well,â Lindsey said, purposefully raising her eyebrow. Trying to get a reaction. âItâs been what, 2 months since youâve met her?âÂ
Emilyâs blue eyes darted back to her. âEnough,â The defender said, gesturing for Sofia towards the bathroom. âGo take your shower. Vlatko wants you for media,âÂ
Sofia frowned. âBut,â
Emily shook her head. âGo,âÂ
Sofia swallowed hard, but nodded, angrily grabbing her change of clothing and doing as she was told.Â
Both blondes watched as Sofia left, and a charged silence stretched between them.Â
You had asked Emily not to get involved. You told her you didnât want her in the middle.Â
That didnât mean she wasnât.Â
âI told you to be a good human. I told you to have a hard conversation,â Emily said softly, turning back to her own locker, but no one mistook exactly who she was addressing. âInstead you chose to flaunt him in front of her,âÂ
âLike she wasnât flaunting whatever is going on with her and Sofia,â Lindsey scoffed before she could stop herself. Just saying the words out loud had a strange ache forming just above her heart. One that had nothing to do with the jealousy that bubbled in her stomach any time she saw the attention you gave the defender.Â
Especially when she was on her knees, wrapping your arms before the game.Â
Emily paused, gripping her sweatshirt and turning back towards her best friend, an incredulous look plastered across her features. âDo you even fucking hear yourself? You still think this is a game, donât you?â
Lindsey didnât answer, instead choosing to pick at a hangnail on her thumb. She didnât think it was a game, but if you were going to ignore her and Ty wasnât, then maybe she hadnât seen the harm. Maybe she wanted you to feel the jealousy bubbling in her veins.Â
Maybe she hadnât thought it through.Â
Emily shook her head. âIâm not even sure it matters. I think youâre out of time,âÂ
She didnât add that she wasnât on Lindseyâs side anymore either as she exited the room and that she was pretty sure most of their team echoed her sentiment.Â
*****
Your fingers dug into the marble countertop of the hotel bathroom, your nails scraping at the surface like they would keep you from falling over the edge. Like the pressure would stop the anvil on your chest from caving your sternum in.
Water pooled on the surface and the floor below you, still dripping from the shower.Â
You understood why Kelley had been reluctant to leave you while the team went to dinner, but you promised you just wanted a shower. You just wanted to sleep when Lindsey couldnât follow you.Â
You dragged your eyes from the gold-plated faucet to the mirror. You paused at the angry back web that began just above the towel around your waist. The pulsing lines that now covered your stomach, tracing back to a solid black circle the size of a baseball right over your heart, continued over your shoulder and down your left arm, nearly past your elbow.Â
The dark marks were accented by the deep red of your skin, abused by the too-hot water in the shower and your incessant scrubbing.Â
An Ill thought attempt to remove her mark on you. To get rid of the traces she had left.Â
PatheticÂ
You sneered the words in your head, forcing your eyes up the column of your throat and meeting them in the mirror.Â
They reminded you of a shark's eyes. Cold and unfeeling. Completely soulless.Â
That was how this would all end, wasnât it?Â
The dark mark was just a representation of the punishment the universe was inflicting on you. That Lindsey was inflicting on you for being unworthy after all.Â
You would lose everything that you were. It would be taken from you, piece by piece until all that was left was a shell only capable of feeling pain and misery.Â
You once thought that feeling nothing would be worse, but now it was all you longed for to be removed from your emotions. To not feel the pain and agony that had become your closest allies.Â
You tighten your grip on the counter, hoping it could help steady the building storm in your chest.Â
You deserved the pain.Â
Your mother had been telling you since you could walk, but you were just too afraid to listen.Â
You were weak. Worthless. Unlovable.Â
It was almost funny how it was her voice cackling in your head.Â
You shouldnât have been shocked. Why would Lindsey choose you over him? She wouldnât.
She didnât.Â
You were nothing compared to him. You were nothing at all. Â
Lindsey had said so herself the night of your World Cup win, as she shoved your lips off of her neck and kicked you out of the closet the two of you were sharing. She told you it was a mistake. Meaningless.Â
Weak. Worthless. Unlovable. Nothing.Â
Lindseyâs voice joined your motherâs, repeating the words in your head over and over.Â
And you blinked up at yourself in the mirror, realizing that your hands had moved to clutch at your ears. To stop the wordâs running around your brain.Â
Your face morphed in the mirror, your mother's sneer replacing your features.Â
No one would ever want you. You were weak. Worthless. Unlovable.Â
Nothing.Â
You felt the walls of the room closing in on you, your mothers cackling laugh echoing through your head so loudly it was shaking the room. Shaking the mirror.Â
You needed everything to stop moving.Â
Weak. Worthless. Unlovable. Nothing.Â
You needed it to stop.Â
The mirror cracked before your eyes, the pain radiating through your hand only after the tremendous crash drowned out their voices.Â
It didnât hurt though. It felt good. But it wasnât enough.Â
Your fist collided with the glass again, and again and again. Intent on obliterating the face staring back at you. Intent on destroying your face.Â
Piece by piece your reflection collapsed, leaving only glittering shards in its place.Â
You were only satisfied when your entire form disappeared and just a blank white and red wall was left.Â
You blew out a shuddering breath, stumbling backward and sliding down the wall until you were leaning against the tub, uncaring of the glass pieces prickling at your bare skin.Â
At least you were feeling something other than your internal pain. At least it was tangible.Â
You picked up one of the larger shards, catching a blue eye in its reflection.Â
You were just a mistake. We are nothing. You are nothing.Â
Lindseyâs words echoed around your brain, pricking at your veins, and your hand unintentionally tightened around the shard.Â
Why did you think she would pick you?Â
You were weak. Worthless. Unlovable. Nothing.Â
*******
Kelley knew that they should not have left you after the game.Â
She knew that it was a very bad idea, despite your insistence that you were just going to take a shower and maybe watch some television while they got dinner with the team.Â
She trusted that you were stable enough to do that. But She could just feel that something bad was going to happen. It was like a snake slithering through her ribs and settling deep in her bones.Â
As she stepped into your shared hotel room, she knew trusting you had been a very bad idea.Â
Very, very, very bad.
Her breath caught as she stepped into the hotel room, the open bathroom door immediately caught her attention. Her eyes were drawn to your stoic form, sitting in a towel, propped up against the tub. A sea of glass surrounded you, glinting off the harsh fluorescent lights speckled with little flecks of red. Like islands dotted around the ocean.Â
But the thing that made her stomach curl was the dark mark on your torso. The epicenter was right at the center of your chest with tentacle-like veins stretching across your abs and shoulder, twisting along your neck and arm, pulsing with bubbling black sludge in time with your heart.Â
It reminded Kelley of a murder scene from one of the old horror movies Emily liked to watch. Like a horrifically poetic monstrosity of modern art.Â
âHoly fuck,â Emily breathed out right next to Kelleyâs left ear.Â
She knew you could be self-destructive, but she hadnât expected this⊠maybe she should have.Â
You didnât move at the sound. You didnât even look over at them. You just looked⊠blank and it sent an unpleasant shiver down Emilyâs spine.Â
She hadnât seen that look on your face since Florida.Â
âGo get her some clothes, Iâm going to try to get her out of here,â Kelley sighed.Â
You couldnât stay in a bloody towel especially if you had cut yourself worse than the scratches Kelley could already see, and you couldnât exactly walk out with all the glass on the floor.Â
âYeah,â Emily nodded, squeezing Kelleyâs hips before moving around her and further into the hotel room.Â
Kelley took a long steadying breath, stepped forward, her shoes crunching in the shattered glass, and squatted so she was at eye level with you.Â
âHey, Y/n,â She said gently, âHow about we get you out of there? Ok?âÂ
You blinked listlessly at her, your head lolling to the side in what Kelley assumed was an acknowledgment.Â
She took another shaky breath, again tracing down the black vein curing around your neck and down your arm. Besides the dark marks, your chest and torso appeared to be alright. So did your right hand, but your leftâŠÂ
Your knuckles were stained red, dripping maroon droplets to your fingertips, pooling on the ground just beside your hip.Â
âY/n,â She tried again. Your hand shifted slightly in return, and thatâs when she caught the glint of the glass shard in your palm.Â
âHey, sweetie, can you put the glass down for me please?â She asked, swallowing hard to hide the panic threatening to overtake her. She had to be calm for you.Â
You blinked again, your hand shifting slightly, almost like you couldnât process her words. Kelley tilted her head, catching your empty eyes.Â
âY/n,â Kelley said more sternly, hoping to break through whatever stoic wall you had put in place. âDrop the mirror,âÂ
Silence stretched between you for a long minute, before your fingers unwound from the shard in your hand. It hit the floor with a low tink, splashing in the liquid beside you. Still, Kelley felt the knot in her chest unwind just a little now that the immediate threat was gone.Â
âLetâs get you up, ok?â She asked, extending a hand to you. âAnd dressed,âÂ
âThe mirror broke,â You croaked out in response, and Kelley frowned.Â
âI can see that,â She sighed, wiggling her fingers towards you. âletâs get you out of here, and we can call maintenance to take care of it,âÂ
You stared at the outstretched appendage for a long second, as though you were afraid of it before you slowly nodded.Â
âIâm going to lift you,â she said gently, waiting for you to slowly nod again before she scooped you up and carefully carried you out of the bathroom.Â
Emily smiled tightly at you as Kelley set you on your feet in front of their bed. Together they ran a towel down your legs to remove any extra glass and helped you into your sweats and t-shirt.Â
You blew out a long breath when they were finished, settling on the end of the bed and allowing Kelley to guide your hand into her lap. Emily took your other side, idly rubbing your back as you both watched Kelley carefully began to examine the mangled flesh of your hand.Â
She was methodical as she used a warm washcloth to compress your hand, moving it only to catch little peeks at the gashes in your knuckles and the slice right at the center of your palm.Â
You flexed your fingers when she pressed just a bit too tightly, hissing in pain.Â
Both defenders shared a long look. This wasnât something they could patch up themselves, not when you were still actively bleeding.Â
âWeâre going to have to take you to Dawn,â Kelley said seriously, dabbing another bit of glass from the back of your hand, red oozing out after it. âI think you need stitches,âÂ
You nodded solemnly, unwilling to fight.Â
There was nothing for you to fight for anyway.Â
Kelley and Emily shared another worried look. They didnât like how quiet you were. How still you were. It was somehow worse than when you were vocal about the pain you were in.Â
It made them wonder about why the mirror had broken, and your intention behind it.Â
Emily cleared her throat. âY/n, was this like when you went surfing in Florida?âÂ
You shook your head, biting your lip.Â
This felt very different from Florida.Â
âWhat happened?â Kelley pressed, again peeking at the very deep gash on your palm.Â
You squinted, trying to think of how to put it into words.Â
Everything had just been too much, and you wanted your brain to stop. You wanted Lindsey to stop. You wanted the pain in your chest to go away and to feel anything other than the weight of your failure.Â
âI just wanted it to stop,â You said finally, your voice horse and straining. âI needed it to stop,â
âAlright,â Kelley sighed. âLetâs get you to Dawn so she can clean you up,âÂ
You nodded once again, letting Kelley and Emily guide you to your feet and towards the door.Â
Dawn would be able to help you.
*****
Emily blew out a long, shaky breath, leaning back into Kelleyâs chest. Her eyes never left your form, tucked into a hospital bed.Â
It had been surprisingly easy to convince you that you needed stitches, especially when Dawn told you that a hospital was your best option.Â
You had answered all of her and the doctor's questions with shocking honesty and sat perfectly still as an intern stitched and wrapped the mangled flesh of your hand (but not before Kelley snapped a picture of it and the dark lines curling from your chest).Â
âItâs not a permanent solution, but the medication weâve given her should help for now,â The doctor explained carefully, gesturing towards you in the window.Â
Emily hummed in agreement.Â
The IV they gave you had the dark veins in your neck and shoulder retreating, leaving thin gray behind. It had the color returning to your eyes, even if they were still dull. It was enough and not nearly enough all at once.Â
âHow long do you think itâll last?â Kelley asked very softly.Â
The doctorâs shoulders lifted and fell. âIt all depends on her soulmate,âÂ
Kelley nodded in understanding.Â
Soulmate sickness was one of the most mysterious illnesses out there. One of the trickiest to stop. The only one that was dependent on another person's actions.
Lindseyâs actions were killing you.Â
What was worse was that you were going to let her.Â
âThank you,â The older defender said towards the doctor, and he bid them goodbye.Â
Emily let out another long breath. âHow did it come to this?âÂ
She had never imagined that two of her teammates would be in a position like this. That Lindsey would put you in a position like this.Â
Not with the history the two of you shared.Â
âWell,â Kelley said, dragging out the word. âLindsey is afraid of god knows what, and Y/n loves her so much sheâs willing to let her be happy, even if it kills her,â
Emily made a low sound in the back of her throat. âWe shouldnât have left her alone,âÂ
Kelleyâs arms tightened around her waist, and her nose nudged under Emilyâs ear, before she let go, using insistent fingers on Emilyâs hips to get her to turn around.Â
âI donât know that we could have stopped her,â Kelley said seriously, making eye contact with Emilyâs gray. âI know you tried in Portland, but this is uncharted territory, even for her,âÂ
Emilyâs eyes darted away from her, but Kelley didnât let her pull away. âEm, you couldnât have stopped her,âÂ
Emily nodded slightly. It was just hard. She had been looking out for you since you came to Portland. She was one of the first to know about your⊠situationship? Friends with benefits arrangement? With Lindsey. She was the first person you told that you had caught feelings.Â
She saw the fallout the first time. Â
She knew about the little lines that had littered the insides of your thighs. She knew how they had appeared no matter how hard she had tried to stop them.
But this was different. They had no idea how you had broken the mirror, or how long you sat in the mess. Dawn guessed that the wounds had been open for at least an hour and from the amount of blood in the bathroom. They were just lucky you hadnât dropped the piece of glass until they got there, or tried to pick the smaller pieces out of your skin.Â
âI know,â Emily murmured, leaning forward so her forehead touched Kelleyâs. âI just hate seeing her like this,â
âI do too,â Kelley agreed softly.Â
âWhat do we do?â Emily asked, her voice cracking.Â
âTobin and Christen are on their way, so we wait until they get here,â Kelley said, pulling back just slightly to peek at your still sleeping form through the window. âand in the meantime, we do the only thing we can do,âÂ
She pulled her phone from her back pocket and flicked through her contacts. She found the one she was looking for and typed out a simple text, including 3 pictures.Â
Emilyâs hand covered the screen, stopping her from hitting the send button. âIs that a good idea?âÂ
âDo you have a better one?â Kelley asked, raising an eyebrow.Â
Emily sighed, shaking her head, and pulling her hand away.Â
She didnât have a better idea. She had no idea how to navigate this situation at all.Â
Kelley pressed the button and then tucked her phone away again.Â
She turned back towards your sleeping form. âNow, letâs go keep her company,âÂ
Emily hummed. That was all they could do. Keep you company and keep you together until more experienced hands arrived.Â
Hopefully, you didnât have any more chunks missing by the time they got there.Â
You had made it back from the brink of disaster once, now they had to pray you had the will to do it again.Â
*****
It was safe to say that this night had not gone at all the way Lindsey had planned, not that she had a brilliant plan to begin with.Â
She let out a breath, glancing down at the man beside her. Her eyes traced his bare chest, down his arms to where their fingers were intertwined.Â
She didnât know he was coming. She hadnât anticipated that he wouldnât take her ducking and dodging as hints that she didnât want him to come.Â
She also didnât anticipate your reaction. You barely even looked at her, and it had unexpected jealousy creeping in her veins until she let him kiss her in an effort to get you to finally notice. To have some kind of reaction that wasnât stoicism.Â
The incident in the locker room after should have been expected. Her two worlds had collided and it ended in destruction that even she couldnât have predicted.Â
An unmitigated disaster with you at the epicenter.Â
Her disaster.Â
She blew out another long breath.Â
There was another reason she didnât push him away, one that was even more difficult for her to acknowledge. Pushing him away would mean admitting that there was something wrong in their relationship. It would raise red flags that she wasnât ready to face, especially with her parents in town too.Â
If they knew⊠she was sure they would reject her.Â
But in the process of protecting herself, she hurt you. She didnât know exactly how much, but it was enough to send her teammates into a frenzy.Â
It was enough to turn the locker room against her, despite your apparent efforts to get them to remain neutral.Â
She wasnât surprised, even she was against herself. She just⊠didnât know how to fix it. She didnât even know where to start.Â
Well, that was a lie. She did know where to start. Emily told her where to start. She was just too much of a coward to do it.Â
It made her hate herself. She didnât want to hurt you. She never wanted to hurt you.Â
Her phone dinged from the bedside table, and she couldnât resist the urge to grab it, hoping that it was you.Â
It wasnât.Â
Still, she swiped Kelleyâs notification. She wished she hadnât.Â
It was a sentence she would never forget.Â
I think you should see what youâre doing to her.
Below it were three photos.Â
The first was of knuckles, torn and jagged. Sliced over and over by a force she didnât know. The second was a palm cut nearly to the bone, tendons, and muscle peeking from its uneven edges. Both were wet, oozing, fresh.Â
But it was the 3rd picture that stole the air from her lungs and set her chest on fire. Bubbling, and burning, in an ache that spread with every beat of her heart.Â
It was a zoomed-out photo of the arm and shoulder attached to the mangled hand. Dark tendrils stretched from the elbow, winding around the arm, over the shoulder. It crept up the neck, and towards a pitch-black bruise right above the person's heart.Â
You should see what youâre doing to her.
Lindsey shook her head. Right above your heart.Â
âFuck,â
âWhaâ,â Ty mumbled, sitting up with bleary eyes, catching a glimpse of the grotesque image on the phone. He grabbed the device, pulling it closer. âShit, is that one of your teammates?â
Lindsey pressed her lips into a thin line, nodding minutely. If she opened her mouth, she wouldnât be able to stop the tears from coming out.
She knew what lines like that on a person meant.Â
Kelley and Sofia were right.Â
She was killing you, and she hadnât even known it. The bruise on your chest was just an outward manifestation of your decaying soul. Or maybe she knew, but she wasnât strong or brave enough to stop it. She didnât give enough of a fuck to stop it before it was too late.Â
Emily was right too. She knew how to be a good human, and she had chosen not to.Â
âBabe?â Ty asked gently, and it was then she realized that she was shaking. That the low sob echoing through the hotel room was coming from her.Â
He dropped the phone and pulled her into a bone-crushing hug just as she fell apart. She buried her face in his chest, gut-wrenching sobs clawed their way from her lips like ripped pieces of her soul and landed against his skin.Â
She hadnât cried through any of this. She didnât deserve to cry, not when she was the one responsible for your pain. For your suffering.Â
âItâs alright, just let it out,â He murmured into her hair, rocking her gently. âIâve got you,âÂ
He held her together like a good man⊠a good person should.Â
And it made her feel worse because all she could think about was the feeling of your chest, of your arms wrapped around her. Your perfume in her nose and your hushed whispers reminding her that everything would be ok.Â
She couldnât be that for you. She couldnât put her own needs aside, even when you were ripping yourself apart.Â
Yet, he held her even when she didnât deserve it. When she deserved for him to throw her away.Â
Slowly, her sobs turned into sniffles, and she clung to him for dear life, for the last moments she knew he would let her.Â
She couldnât hide from reality anymore. She couldnât hurt you anymore.Â
âYou gonna tell me what this is all about?â He asked softly into her hair, never forcing her out of his chest.Â
She sucked in a shuttered breath, pulling herself away, wiping her eyes, and looking anywhere but at him.Â
The time had finally come for the important conversation. For the truth.Â
âI-â She gulped around the words caught in her throat. She took another shuddering breath, steeling herself. âI met my soulmate,âÂ
A pregnant pause stretched between them, only broken when he reached across and gently caught her hand, squeezing once.
It took her another long second to gain the courage to look up and need his brown eyes. The resignation she saw there made her hate herself that much more.Â
âHow long ago?â The question was soft, and not at all what Lindsey was expecting.Â
She bit her lip. âWe had the dream almost 4 months ago,âÂ
A small sad smile pulled at his lips, as he caught her phrasing. âBut youâve known her for a lot longer?âÂ
Lindsey nodded.Â
âWe agreed weâd tell each other as soon as it happened,â He said, his voice staying gentle.Â
âI know, Iâm sorry,â Lindsey said, suddenly finding their intertwined fingers interesting.Â
She didnât have more of an explanation. Not one that would be sufficient anyway.Â
He sighed, running the hand not holding hers through his hair. Of course, he knew they would eventually meet their soulmates, but they had agreed to be open about it when it happened and to make those decisions together.Â
That plan also hadnât included another person in as much pain as Lindseyâs soulmate clearly was. It didnât include them knowing their soulmate before the dream.Â
But Lindsey did know her soulmate. Those photos had come from someone in the team, and he had a feeling he already knew exactly whose arm it was.Â
âItâs y/n right?â
Her eyes snapped up to meet his. âHow did youâŠ?â
He just chucked, squeezing her hand again.
âItâs the way you two look at each other,â He explained gently, remembering how he noted the closeness Lindsey and you shared, even before he had met you. The blonde was always so at ease with you, even when she wasnât open with him. He had been surprised at first that you two werenât soulmates looking for a third. You just⊠fit too perfectly to not be soulmates. âIâve thought you were meant to be for a long time,âÂ
âBut Iâm not gay,â Lindsey grumbled, crossing her arms, and Ty cracked a smile at her, shaking his head. The tension immediately dissipated from the room.Â
Of course, thatâs what the problem was.Â
âThereâs such a thing as bisexuality Linds,â He said as if it were obvious. âAnd I donât think whatever label you pick matters when it comes to your soulmate,âÂ
It wasnât like you got to choose your soulmate, but that fear was still there. She hadnât considered that she might not have to choose a label. That you werenât asking her to. All you wanted was the acknowledgment that she felt what you did.
Thatâs all that you had ever wanted from her.Â
And she couldnât even give you that.Â
But she had him. This incredible person who was actively advocating for you, even when it meant that he would lose her.Â
She also had you, who was willing to stand aside in agony if it meant she got to be happy.Â
She shook her head. It wasnât fair to compare the two of you, but she couldnât help it. She could never help it. She loved him, but not in the way that she loved you.Â
She was in love with you. She always had been.Â
âYouâre not mad?â She asked so softly, selfishly. She didnât want to lose him.Â
He shook his head, giving her hand another squeeze. âIâm disappointed you didnât tell me sooner, but Iâm not angry with you,â
More tears left Lindseyâs eyes without her permission, trailing hot paths down her cheeks, and he pulled her back into his chest. âI donât want you to hate me,âÂ
He sighed, holding her closer, his finger weaving into her hair and gently scratching her scalp. It was a move he knew soothed her. One he had ironically learned from you.Â
âI could never hate you, Linds,â He murmured the words into her hair, resting his chin on the crown of her head. âNot for this,â
Lindsey let out a wet laugh, pulling away. âY/n does, and so do most of my teammates,â
Ty carefully brought his hands to her cheeks, using his thumbs to wipe the tears still trailing down her cheeks. âThey donât, theyâre just disappointed too,âÂ
Again she was struck by how good he was. By how mature and caring he was. By how good of a father he would make one day.Â
But his hands didnât feel as soft as yours did. They didnât make her feel as safe as yours did.Â
The longing she felt for you was so deep in her bones it hurt, and the pictures Kelley sent her put the ball in her court.Â
It was her job to make it right.Â
âI need to fix it,â She mumbled, sniffling slightly.Â
He smiled sadly again, leaning forward and placing a very sweet kiss on her forehead before pulling away and standing. âI have faith you will,âÂ
She watched him quietly as he pulled on his shirt, packed his small bag, and slid his shoes onto his feet before he paused by the edge of the bed.Â
She couldnât fight the sudden urge to reach out her fingers towards him, to be connected to him for what would most likely be the last time.Â
He met her halfway, tangling their fingertips together in a slow dance. âIf you ever need anything just call alright?â He said, and she felt his honesty. âIâm still your guy,âÂ
His fingers slipped from hers for the final time.Â
He might be her guy, but she wasnât his girl.Â
Not anymore.Â
She was yours.Â
She just had to figure out how to tell you that. How to get you to forgive her?Â
Silence echoed around her as he softly closed the door, and for once she felt totally and completely alone.Â
She pulled out her phone and scrolled through contacts, looking for someone who would tell her what to do.Â
She paused over Tobinâs contact photo. The forward had always been close to you, and she would know what to do, even if she would be disappointed in Lindsey.Â
She pressed Tobinâs contact picture, holding the phone up to her ear and closing her eyes.Â
Tobin was the only one who knew you as well as she knew herself.Â
The phone rang twice before Tobinâs faint âhelloâ met her.Â
âI fucked up,â
*****
Lindsey had never felt more exhausted in her entire life, not even after she had played 120 minutes in 100-degree weather. Not after running endless drills with you in France. Not even after looking all over for you after you disappeared the night of the World Cup.Â
Never.Â
It was a fatigue that settled deep in her bones, that followed her through every movement she made. That made it impossible for her to think about anything other than you. A weariness that had nothing to do with her lack of sleep.Â
Her only saving grace was the warm cup of coffee. She sipped the dark liquid reverently, eyes shifting between her parents and the door every few minutes, waiting for you or Kelley, or Emily to step through the doors.Â
To prove that the photos she had received last night were a bad dream. A cruel prank.Â
But mornings after games tended to be slow, and this morning was no different. The few veterans who were in the meal room puttered about lazily, sending looks her way at odd intervals that made her feel like they knew something she didnât know.Â
Like they were scolding her without words.Â
âSweetie, are you ok?â Her motherâs hand caught her own, gently pulling the coffee cup from her hand.Â
Lindsey blinked, once, twice, three times as the words filtered through her brain.Â
Was she ok?
The definitive answer was no, absolutely not.Â
Her world was crumbling around her, and the only person to blame was herself. She had hurt her soulmate so badly that she didnât know if she would ever forgive her, and the thought of losing you made it hard to breathe.Â
She didnât know how to be without you, and now she was staring that very prospect in the face.Â
She let out a shaky breath, blue eyes finally finding the courage to meet her mother's gaze.Â
Concerned eyes she knew would turn cold and hard when she informed them of what she had done. Eyes that would surely reject her when they found out that you were a girl and not the dashing young man they had envisioned for her.Â
It was like there was a world between them, a chiasm that they didnât even know existed filled with the admission that she had been lying to them for a long time. Filled with a suffocating silence and words that Lindsey needed to say.Â
She could hear Tobin in her head. âThe first step is honesty. With yourself and everyone else,â and she knew with everything she was that the midfielder turned forward was right.Â
The only way to undo this mess was to be honest. To untangle each half-truth one at a time. To mend each hurt with kept promises and replace each pretend moment with reality.Â
The only way she was going to get you back was to confront her fear. That started with this.Â
âNo,â Lindsey said, shaking her head minutely. âIâm not ok. I messed up really bad, and I donât know if I can fix it,âÂ
Her father frowned. âIs this about the game?â
âYou played so well honey. Korea just had a bead on the team's offense,â Her mother added, using her free hand to grab Lindseyâs arm.Â
She stared at them, slightly dumbfounded at how unseeing they were. How they didnât seem to know her at all. How they didnât even pick up on her inner turmoil.Â
âNo. I-â She swallowed hard around the lump in her throat. âI had the soulmate dream,âÂ
âOh,â Lindseyâs mother breathed out, leaning back in her chair.Â
âBy Tyâs lack of presence, Iâm assuming it wasnât with him?â Her father said, sipping his coffee.Â
She shook her head. âNo,â
âWell, weâll have to meet the young man,â He added flatly, barely looking up from his cup. âHeâs part of the family now,âÂ
âItâs not,â She took a gulping breath, before forcing the words past her lips. âMy soulmate isnât a young man,âÂ
Her father looked up, locking eyes with her mother. They shared a long look, the kind that only soulmates having a silent conversation could before her mother gently squeezed her hand.Â
âIs it Y/n?â
Lindseyâs eyebrows furrowed, entirely unexpecting of her motherâs response. âWha?⊠how did you?â
âSweetie,â Her mother smiled gently at her. âThe two of you have been attached at the hip since the moment you met,âÂ
âWeâve been expecting this for a while,â Her father added gruffly.Â
âAnd youâre alright with that?â Her voice cracked over the word, and her eyes ducked away.Â
She knew how they felt about homosexuality. She had heard about it for her entire childhood. She didnât want to lose them too.Â
âYou donât get to choose your soulmate,â Her Father said, though he didnât sound happy about the omission, but his voice lightened. âAnd Y/n is exceptional,âÂ
Her mother hummed, squeezing her hand again. âPlus Y/n always looks at you like you put the stars up in the sky, and sheâs been nothing but polite to us,âÂ
Her father nodded once, and Lindsey took that as his agreement, though he didnât soften. âAn acceptable soulmate,âÂ
Lindsey felt the knot in her chest loosen, though she wasnât quite sure how she felt about their assessment. She guessed acceptable and exceptional were the best she could expect from her father.Â
âNow,â Her father said, leaning forward in his chair, setting his coffee on the table. âYou said you messed up, tell us what happened,âÂ
She frowned at him, confused by his reaction, and his sudden interest.Â
âI,â The words were caught in her throat as she finally met her dad's gaze. âI hurt her because I was afraid, and now Iâm not sure that I can fix it,âÂ
âAfraid?â Her father grumbled, his eyes suddenly hard. âOf what? Y/n has never done anything to make you question her feelings,âÂ
âOfâŠ.â Lindsey took a deep steadying breath, working through his defense of you. Of the strange protectiveness? That had overcome him, while also working through how to phrase her answer. It threw her that they werenât upset you were her soulmate. âA lot of things. It doesnât matter now,âÂ
Her father hummed, crossing his arms.
It was a gesture she had seen thousands of times before. One he liked to use after he heard both sides of the story when she would fight with her brother. One he used when she told him she was going to France instead of college.Â
âHoney, youâre soulmates, but youâre also human,â Her mother hummed. âGive her time to process everything thatâs happening, then apologize and let her come to you,âÂ
There was a beat of silence before her father sat back in his chair.Â
âThat girl loves you, and you love her too,â He added as if he was telling her that the defense used double pivots in transition. Like it was an undisputed fact. âYouâll figure it out,â
Lindsey swallowed hard. She knew she loved you, but it was unsettling that everyone else did too. That they all seemed to think that you would love her back after everything she had done.
âY/n could never stay mad at you for long anyway,â Her mother chuckled, patting her hand, a stark contrast to her father's serious face. âJust go on her terms, and Iâm sure sheâll be receptive to you,âÂ
She nodded, more to herself than to them. She could do that. She could wait and do things on your terms. She was sure Kelley and Emily and probably Tobin and Christen wouldnât settle for anything less.Â
A long silence stretched between them, before her father cleared his throat, grabbed his coffee, and leaned back into his chair. âNow that thatâs settled, do you know whoâs starting in the next game? Y/n got several very good shots off last time,â
âI um,â Lindsey shrugged, scratching the back of her neck, thinking of the photos of you in that stupid hospital bed. âIâm not sure,âÂ
She didnât doubt Vlatko would let you play, even injured, but it made the ache in her chest worse to think about. Jill was bad in her own way, but at least she usually stuck to doctor-recommended injury return protocols.Â
âHmm,â Her father hummed, idly sipping his coffee as her mother went back to her tea. âWeâll have to just wait and see then,âÂ
Lindsey nodded again, thinking more about you than about the game.Â
She would have to wait and see if you would be open to her again. To wait and see if she would ever be able to fix the damage she had caused. To wait for you to be ready.Â
****
âThis isnât a good idea,â Dawn muttered, carefully wrapping your signature red pre-wrap around the thick white gauze on your hand, and the plastic splint holding your palm in a fixed position. âYou should be resting,âÂ
âThe field is the only place I can think clearly. Itâs better if I play,â Your shoulders lifted and fell. âDoes there have to be so much wrapping? It looks more like a club than a hand,âÂ
Christen rolled her eyes at the statement.Â
She should have expected it with the blase attitude you had dawned since the moment she arrived, but your lack of care for your health was still rather astonishing. She couldnât exactly blame you though, not after Kelley told her what happened.Â
At least the parts that the defender knew. You still wouldnât talk about what happened in the bathroom.Â
âYou sliced into the muscle of your palm. Youâre lucky you didnât lose the mobility in your fingers, and now you have convinced your coach to let you play not even 72 hours later,â Christen sighed, rubbing your right shoulder gently.Â
âYes, the gauze has to be this thick, we donât want any of the stitches to accidentally re-open,â Dawn explained gently.Â
She didnât mention that she was adding extra to try and shield you from prying eyes. To keep the commentary teams and the media from speculating about the still gray lines extending past your elbow.Â
You hummed in understanding, blinking away from the women and to the small paper you had found in your locker.Â
It wasnât the first note that had magically appeared, and you were sure it wouldnât be the last.Â
It made you feel like you were in high school, passing notes, except you refused to pass back. You didnât even see the point in reading them. As far as you were concerned, you and Lindsey had nothing to say to each other anyway.Â
But still, she kept trying.Â
It was weird, and you felt a little like a yo-yo being yanked back and forth. You assumed it was from pity. You didnât want her pity.Â
âDid she send you another one?â Christen asked, her voice going soft.Â
You swallowed hard, holding the little blue paper between your fingers, avoiding the loopy pen marks it wore. âYep,âÂ
âDo you want me to see what it says?â She pressed carefully.Â
You held it out toward the forward in a familiar gesture. She had read all of the notes. âIf you want,âÂ
It was the same response you had given to all the little notes. The same⊠unbothered indifference.Â
She very slowly reached out and plucked the note from your hand, opening it and reading over the words. âDo you want to know what it says?âÂ
âNope,â You popped the p, pulling your hand away as Dawn tore off the pre-wrap and pressed it to your arm. âIf I wanted to know, I would have read it,âÂ
âLet me get you a pill and you can go warm up,â Dawn said, pushing herself to her feet.Â
âItâs mostly the same as the others,â Christen continued as if you hadnât said you didnât care. âShe wonders if youâve read any of the notes,âÂ
âThere have been 10 and you and Tobin have given me the gist of them all,â You muttered, accepting the small, metallic-colored pill from dawn, popping it in your mouth, and swallowing it with a sip of water.Â
You just didnât see the point in reading them. Lindsey never kept her word anyway.Â
 âPlus, itâs not like itâll make this go away,â You waved your hand over your chest, vaguely gesturing to where you knew the deep bruise sat.
You glanced at Dawn who nodded. âThe only known cure to soulmate sickness is physical contact,âÂ
âSo thereâs no point,â You shrugged, pushing yourself off the table. âAm I free to go now?âÂ
âYes,â Dawn said. âJust take it easy, alright,âÂ
You paused at the door. âWhatâs the point, Iâm going to die anyway. Why not have fun first,âÂ
Christen grimaced as the door slammed shut. âI hate it when she jokes like that,â
âIâm not sure it was a joke,â Dawn mumbled, making eye contact with the forward. âThe medication will slow it down, but it canât stop the effects entirely,âÂ
The apathy. The emptiness in your eyes. The loss of your sunny personality.Â
You would lose yourself entirely, and then you would lose your life.Â
******
You knew the dream was coming before you fell asleep. You could feel it.Â
It felt like a punishment from the universe. A punishment for ignoring Lindseyâs notes. Punishment for letting Kelley, Emily, Christen, and Tobin run interference so you didnât have to deal with her. A punishment for protecting yourself.Â
But it still disoriented you when your eyes flickered open.Â
You would never get used to the too-bright colors or the way the light blended into a too-vivid scene that felt real. A scene that made you suddenly feel right. Whole.
A scene you knew was a lie.Â
You glanced around the room. A long, open space with little cubbies and nameplates. It was familiar. A locker room like any other.Â
You didnât feel like reading the names to see what part of your past it was from. You just didnât⊠care.Â
You let out a long breath, shuffling back into the empty cubby and turning sideways. You tucked your knees to your chest, rested your chin on them, and closed your eyes. You were content to wait it out. To pretend.
The bench creaked beside you, but you didnât open your eyes. You didnât have to to know who it was. The warmth that filled your hollow chest was enough. Plus there was only one human on the planet who could crash your dreams.Â
Lindsey hesitantly cleared her throat, and you heard her shift beside you. âGood game,âÂ
You hummed.Â
It was a good game. Very good.Â
You ended up with a first-half hat trick thanks to a stellar cross from Huerta and an assist from Rose. It helped that Vlatko hadnât let you and Lindsey on the field at the same time (she came on at the half when you were subbed out).Â
You were sure how much of that was his doing and how much was demanded by the team and medical staff.Â
You had barely seen Lindsey in general, other than when she was on the bench, and you knew that was done by design. When Emily and Kelley werenât guarding you, it seemed that one of your teammates (especially Sanchez, Trinity, and Huerta) would suddenly need something from you when Lindsey tried to approach.Â
It was weird and blatantly obvious, but you deeply appreciated their efforts.Â
Lindsey cleared her throat again, and you felt her shift closer to you. âI-⊠look, Iâm sorry. For everything,âÂ
You let a beat of silence pass between you, unsure if you were even going to respond. Your eyes slowly dragged open and you met tired blue. They seemed to echo the dull throb that had settled in before the game. The same hollowness that just wouldnât go away.Â
A part of you wondered what everything meant.Â
Was she sorry for all of the nights you had shared? All of the intimate moments you had never shared with anyone else? That you would never share with anyone else.Â
Or maybe she was just sorry she would never care for you in the way you cared for her.Â
âMe too,â You said softly. The words felt heavy, laced with truth and pain and utter defeat.Â
Not because of the pain she had put you through, but because she regretted you.Â
You were sorry because you werenât good enough.Â
You looked away from her burning gaze, back towards the wood of your little cubby. It felt like she was dissecting you. Like she was looking through you and straight into your thoughts.Â
âYou have nothing to be sorry for,â Lindsey said, her voice deadly serious. âThis is all on me,âÂ
âNot all of it,â You shrugged, lifting your left hand and wiggling your fingers. It was strange because you hadnât been able to move them for the last week, and you expected the thick gauze to follow you into your dreams.Â
That part was all on you, no matter what your friends wanted to believe.Â
Lindsey sighed, and you knew she wanted to argue with you, but part of you hoped she wouldnât. You were too tired to fight.Â
âHow did it happen?â She asked so softly you almost missed it.Â
You blinked, and your eyes flickered back to hers. âWhat?âÂ
Lindsey swallowed hard, her throat visibly gulping. âKelley sent me the picture, but no one will tell me what happened,âÂ
You frowned. You wanted to say nothing had happened. You wanted to yell and scream at Kelley, even if you knew she meant well. You wanted to admonish Lindsey for not already knowing the reason, even if it wasnât fair.Â
âShe shouldnât have,âÂ
Lindseyâs hand caught your forearm, sliding down your skin to connect your hands. âY/n, please,âÂ
It sent a shiver down your spine and a warmth through your veins that hadnât been there in god knows how long.Â
It chipped away at the ice encasing your heart.Â
You blew out a long breath, ripping your eyes from her, leaning your head back so it hit the locker with a low thump, and fixing your eyes on the stupid photoshopped picture Emily had fixed on the roof of your cubby after a bad Portland practice. It was of the three of you, your heads photoshopped onto a picture of the Teenage mutant ninja turtles.Â
âA mirror broke,â You said slowly, forcing the words around the sudden lump in your throat. You hadnât told anyone what happened yet, Christen and Tobin included. âAnd I got cut. That wasnât your fault, no matter what Kelley wants to believe,âÂ
Lindsey made a low sound like she knew that your explanation wasnât the whole story like she knew you werenât being honest,Â
but she didnât push. Not like she usually would.Â
She sat back on the bench, and squeezed your hand once, twice, three times.Â
And it made you feel like you were 17 again, sitting in France holding on for dear life as your world was rocked to its core. It made you feel like you were 22, sitting in this very locker room working through your growing feelings. It made you feel safe and loved in a way that no one else could.
That thought made you sick to your stomach because you knew it wasnât real.Â
The mark on your chest was proof enough of that.Â
But you didnât see the harm in accepting the comfort. In letting her let you just exist. Your eyes slid closed and for the first time in weeks, you felt at peace.Â
Who cared if it wasnât real? At least you werenât in pain anymore.Â
âWhat about the bruise?â She asked after several long minutes, and you blinked back at her again, noting the way her eyebrows furrowed guiltily.Â
Her eyes were fixed on the little Thorns logo sitting just above your heart.Â
Your shoulders lifted and fell nonchalantly. âYeah. Thatâs kinda on you,âÂ
âIs it..-â She paused, shaking her head. âCan I see it?âÂ
Your nose scrunched. âIâd have to take my shirt off, so no. I donât even know if itâd be in this stupid dream,âÂ
It was too⊠vulnerable. Too exposed for you. Far more unprotected than you were willing to be with Lindsey.Â
Plus if the universe wanted her to see it, then you would have appeared in an outfit you couldnât hide it in, not your old training uniform.Â
âYou werenât supposed to see it in the first place,â Yoh muttered, closing your eyes and laying your head back on the locker with a thump.Â
You heard Lindsey swallow hard, and you knew she wanted to argue with you. Even if you werenât quite sure what she could argue.Â
But she didnât.Â
Her hand squeezed yours in three slow pulses again. âAlright,âÂ
You felt the know you didnât know was in your chest loosen, and your shoulders relaxed as you leaned farther back into the wooden cubby.Â
At least you werenât in pain, and in the quiet locker room, it was easy to let Lindseyâs soft breathing lull you into a near doze.Â
It reminded you of all the times you had listened to her breathing when you couldnât sleep, or when you woke up from a nightmare. All the times it was a sign that you were safe.Â
Now you just supposed it was like the beeping of a life support machine. Something to prolong the inevitable.Â
Maybe it wouldnât be so bad if you got to feel this at ease.Â
*****
Camp had ended far less eventfully than it had started, and you were incredibly grateful for that.Â
The final morning passed with little fanfare, and you felt more rested than you had in months, and before you knew it Christen and Tobin were guiding you through the terminal towards a plane headed directly to LA.Â
You hadnât seen Lindsey at all, but as you grabbed your headphones from your bag, you saw the little blue Post-it tucked just inside the zipper.Â
You gently grabbed the little paper, pulled out your headphones too, and shoved the bag back under your seat. You stared at it, running your fingers over the indent of your name across the folded front in Lindseyâs loopy writing.Â
âAre you going to read this one?â Tobin asked you, pretending that she wasnât watching the way you were fixated on the note.Â
Your shoulders lifted and fell. You hadnât decided if you were going to open it yet. âDo you know how it got into my bag?âÂ
âNope,â Tobin shook her head once. âI was on door duty, and Kelley and Emily were more worried that you ate,âÂ
You nodded, your tongue poking past your lips. Christen wouldnât have made the assist, she made her opinion clear, even after you told her about the latest dream.Â
You looked back down at the small note.Â
You hadnât cared about them up to this point. You didnât want to know what Lindsey had to say. You just wanted her to let you die in peace. You just wanted her to be happy and to not hurt anymore.Â
But she wasnât happy.Â
Sitting in the Thorns locker room had also filled you with a strange sense of nostalgia. You missed how simple it was before you recognized your feelings. How easy it was to be around her and to feel safe.Â
You missed being her friend, intimacy be damned.Â
And no matter how stupid you thought the high school note-passing tactic was, you were suddenly curious if it would change those new feelings. If it would tell you why.Â
âDo you want me to read it?â Tobin asked, reaching for the small, blue paper.Â
You pulled it away. âNo,âÂ
âOk,â She agreed easily, settling back into her seat, pretending to not watch you. âChristen put the others in the bottom of your bag if you want to read them too,âÂ
You hummed at the offhand comment, flipping the little blue note over once more before slowly working it open.Â
You cracked a smile at the little sketch of a teenage mutant ninja turtle at the top, just below where it was sealed. It was Leonardo and Rafael with a small pizza slice between them.Â
Hey Raf,
I forgot that we used to call each other that until I saw Emilyâs drawing in your old locker. I kinda miss the days of being the TMNT 3. I definitely miss you.Â
Chris says you donât read my notes, and I canât blame you. I just want you to know I choose you. I want you to know I love you.Â
You didnât finish reading it.
You didnât want to.
âWhat did she say?â Christen asked you gently from Tobin's other side.Â
âSome bullshit about her choosing me,â You shrugged again, crumbling the paper and tossing it towards her. âWas it in all the other ones too, or did you just omit it from the synopses?â
She caught it easily, flattening the paper against her thigh, frowning as she scanned over the page. âI just figured It wasnât the main message,âÂ
âAnd what was?â You grumbled. âThat now that everyone knows she fucked up she suddenly wants me?âÂ
âI think the team is more concerned with you deciding youâd rather die,â Tobin said, carefully grabbing the note and reading it after Christen was done. âBut go on,âÂ
You frowned at the pair, suddenly wondering whose side they were on.Â
âI donât want her to care out of some sense of obligation or guilt,â You grit out the words. âIâm not a consolation prize,âÂ
âNo,â Christen agreed carefully. âYouâre not a consolation prize to her,âÂ
âI think Lindsey has cared for a long time,â Tobin added, catching your hand. âShe was just afraid to show it,âÂ
âCould have fucking fooled me,â You snorted. âShe chooses me or whatever but she still hasnât told her boyfriend that Iâm her soulmate,âÂ
Tobin paused, sending a look over her shoulder to Christen. You frowned.Â
âWhat arenât you telling me?âÂ
Tobin blew out a long breath. âLindsey called me the night you broke your hand. We thought she told you,â
Your eyes widened.
Lindsey called them. Lindsey talked to them. They talked to her.Â
âWhat did she want?â The words forced themselves through your grit teeth, misplaced anger rushing through you and flushing your cheeks.Â
âTake a deep breath,â Christen said, her voice as calming as you had ever heard it. The same voice she had used each time your unstable emotions threatened to overtake you.Â
They were yet another growing symptom of soulmate sickness.Â
âI donât want to,â You bit back. âTell me,âÂ
Tobin held her hands up in defense. âMost of it isnât my story to tell,âÂ
You sucked in a deep breath through your nose, blowing it slowly out of your mouth, feeling your anger bleed out with it. âBut?â
âLindsey is trying. She just doesnât know where to start,â Tobin said very slowly, choosing her words carefully.Â
âI will not be her second choice,â You muttered, picking at the gauze still wrapped tightly around your hand. âyouâre supposed to be on my side,âÂ
âWe are on your side. The side of you living long enough to go to your third World Cup and win,â Christen said, reaching across Tobin to catch your hand and prevent you from unraveling the bandage. âAnd weâre not telling you to forgive her,âÂ
You blew out another breath. âThen what are you telling me?âÂ
âYou donât have to forgive Lindsey,â Tobin said. âIâm not even saying you have to entertain the idea. All I mean is that youâre tied for life, and when youâre ready, she has a lot of making up to do. When youâre ready, itâs on her to fix it. She knows it, and is willing to do it.â
âHence the stupid fucking notes?â You asked softly, your eyebrows furrowing. The notes were such a Lindsey thing to do. A way to see how open you were to her without pushing. A way to let you come to her.Â
âHence the notes,â Tobin nodded. âShe didnât know where to start,âÂ
You closed your eyes tightly, leaning back in your seat. âI wish Kelley hadnât sent her that fucking picture. Then she still wouldnât care,â
âKelley sent it because she is insanely protective,â Christen explained as if it was obvious. âYou were hurting and she wanted the person responsible to know,â
âYouâre like her little sister,â Tobin added unhelpfully.Â
You shook your head. âItâs not Lindseyâs fault I hurt my hand, and I wish everyone would fucking see that,âÂ
âThen whoâs fault was it?â Christen pressed, keeping her voice gentle.Â
You let out a breath, counting to 10 in your head, trying to still the sudden rush of thoughts and emotions that came from the simple question.Â
The truth was that punching that mirror was all on you. It was your inability to regulate your emotions. Your inability to accept the truth. Your inability to be enough.Â
You were frustrated that Kelley had shown Lindsey the aftermath, and even more annoyed that it suddenly changed the way Lindsey felt.Â
She shouldnât be guilted into loving you.Â
You werenât worthy of it, no matter how much admitting it made the place on your chest throb.Â
âI donât want to talk about it,â You said, your voice rough with the unspoken tsunami of emotions in your chest, your uninjured hand rubbing idly at the spot right above your heart.Â
âYou never want to talk about it,â Christen said, her voice edging in desperation.Â
You sighed, peeling your eyes open to meet her green. âLindsey deserves to be happy,â
The defeat in your voice shocked even you as it reached your ears, and the pure honesty made the sludge in your stomach rock.Â
Tobin used a hand to catch your chin, forcing you to look at her. âAnd what about you? Donât you deserve happiness too?âÂ
You shook your head, pressing your lips into a thin line. âI donât matter,âÂ
You slipped your headphones over your ears before they could push the issue before they could make you unpack that feeling, and stared out the window.Â
âIâve never mattered,â
****
You bit the inside of your lip, glaring at the colorful painting that sat on your therapist's wall, picking at the edge of the gauze on your hand.Â
There was less of it now, making it look more like a hand than a club, but the stitches were still sensitive enough that you couldnât go without it.Â
âI donât understand your question,â You muttered, your eyes tracing across the red sunset in the painting, refusing to look at her.Â
It was a bad habit you had picked up in the three weeks you had been seeing her. It was easier to talk to her when you didnât have to look at her, not that you had done much talking anyway.Â
âYouâve told me a lot of wonderful things about Lindsey. Youâve told me about the incredible intimacy that the two of you share. I wanted to know who initiated it,â Clarke said, and you could feel her watching you.Â
You frowned. âLike who kissed who first?âÂ
It felt like one of those stupid media fan questions. Like the ones you had gotten on Twitter after the game, demanding to know how you hurt your hand and asking for your opinion on the fan theories the whole ordeal had created.Â
It wasnât like the normal probing questions Clarke asked you.Â
She hummed, shrugging her shoulders. âIs that when you think the emotional intimacy between you started?âÂ
You bit your lip at the question. You and Lindsey had been linked far before you kissed.Â
âNo,â You said, dragging your eyes to meet hers. âThat was pretty instant,âÂ
You remembered being taken with Lindsey from the first moment you saw her, even though she had ripped all of the laces out of her shoe on a stupid escalator. It was mid-morning when her and her mother arrived at the apartment, and you were so anxious you couldnât get words past your lips.Â
You had waved at her instead, and you were pretty sure she thought you were entirely unable to talk for the first two weeks you had known her.Â
âTell me about it?â Clarke asked very gently, noting the faraway look in your eyes in her notes.Â
It was the look you always got when you talked about Lindsey, even if all you told her in your discussions were good things.Â
âIâŠâ You paused, biting your lips, trying to think of the moment that you and Lindsey became inseparable. It had to have been after your first hard practice. âIt was like two weeks after she moved into the apartment. We were watching Disney movies in French to try and learn the language,âÂ
It was a semi-truth. You had performed horribly on the field and wanted a distraction. All that was on was the lion king and it was extra money to watch it in English. She walked into your soft sniffles and sat down next to you out of obligation.Â
Lindsey felt bad for you. She always pitied you. It was why she sat next to you on the couch that night.Â
âAnd it progressed from there?â Clarke pressed, leaning forward.Â
âYeah, we just kinda clicked,â You hummed, scratching the back of your neck with your good hand. It was more than that. That night, she made you smile and you made her laugh. It was the spark of your entire relationship, and it only got stronger when the pressure from the coaches increased. âAnd then with all the stuff that was happeningâŠâ
Clarke nodded understandingly and it made you feel like she could hear the thoughts racing through your head. âTrauma has a way of bonding people,âÂ
âYeah,â You nodded, scratching the gray lines on your neck a little harder. When things continued to get worse, you and Lindsey found comfort in each other. She was the only one who made you feel safe. âWe started sharing a bed because I was having nightmares. It was comforting to have her there,âÂ
âShe made you feel safe,â Clarke supplied easily.Â
âAlways,â You agreed. It didnât matter what was happening at practice, when you were together, you knew it would all be ok. âIt was like she was shielding me from all the bullshit. Our bed was our safe place,âÂ
âIs that why you kissed for the first time?âÂ
Your eyebrows furrowed.Â
The truth was that the first kiss you shared was⊠blurry.Â
âNo,â You said slowly. âThat didnât happen for a while,âÂ
Clarke hummed. âWho initiated?â
âIâŠ-,â Your eyebrows furrowed. You remembered laying on too-fancy sheets, sharing a bowl of unsalted popcorn. You remembered the sunset peeking through the window and soft laughter. You remember leaning against her strong frame, and her hand running through your hair. You remembered the taste of her lips and the way you moved together, but you didnât know who leaned in first. âI canât remember actually,âÂ
Admitting it made your heart race, and your chest ache. How could you not remember such a fundamental moment in your relationship?Â
âThatâs ok,â Charlie said, reaching out and placing a steadying hand on your knee. âHow about we talk about something else for a bit,âÂ
You swallowed hard, dropping the hand on your neck and going back to picking at the edge of the gauze on your hand. âOk,âÂ
âLetâs talk about the night you broke the mirror,âÂ
Your back instantly straightened. âWhat about that night?âÂ
It came out more harshly than you intended. Colder. Guarded.Â
You hadnât even told Tobin and Christen about that night yet, despite their prying.Â
âWell, we havenât discussed it yet,â Clarke said carefully. âAnd itâs the reason you have to see me 3 times a week for the next month,â
âWhat do you want to know?â You sighed, leaning forward.Â
Being honest was the only way to not have to see Clarke. The only way for her to sign the papers that would get rid of the Minute limit that had been placed on you.Â
âHow did the mirror break?â Clarke asked you softly.Â
You bit your lip, picking the edge of the gauze with a little more vigor. âI punched it,âÂ
It pained you to say the words out loud and had blood rushing to your cheeks.Â
âWith the intention of hurting yourself?âÂ
You blinked up at Clarkeâs question. The same question they asked you in the hospital.Â
âNo,â You said sternly, shaking your head once. âI just⊠needed the sound in my head to stop,âÂ
âWhat kind of sound?â
You squinted at the probing question. The answer was just so difficult to put into words. It was difficult for you to even wrap your head around it.Â
There was so much noise constantly surrounding you, and it had all been too much. You wanted Lindsey to stop, and your family to stop. You just wanted everything to⊠stop.Â
âMy thoughts,â You mumbled, catching the edge of the gauze and pulling just a bit too tight. âI was spiraling and I couldnât get them to stop. I just wanted it to be quiet so I could breathe,âÂ
Clarke nodded, jotting more notes down in her little book. âYou were having a panic attack,âÂ
âI guess,â Your shoulders lifted and fell and your eyes returned to the stupid painting in her corner. You werenât sure if it was panic, or if it was an outward manifestation of your disgust in yourself.Â
âAlright,â She said finally as the little timer on the table went off. âI have some homework for you that I think will be helpful before our next sessionâŠ-â
You tuned out her words, focusing instead on the place in the picture where the orange sunset met the deep black of the sea. Where they swirled together.Â
You wished you were there instead of here.Â
******
You knew the dream was coming. The universe had been kind, allowing you to ignore your soulmate for 5 weeks. You knew it couldnât last forever, especially after Clarkeâs homework.Â
The only way for you to complete it was to talk to her, and you fucking refused to respond via note.Â
You sighed, pressing your face further into the soft down pillow beneath your head, your hand closing around too-fancy sheets. They were cool to the touch, something that never happened in real life.Â
You felt eyes on the side of your face, tracing the little scar that existed by your eye (from an unfortunate encounter with a Spanish defender when you were 17), down your cheek, and sweeping across your nose to your lips.Â
It was familiar. A scene that had played hundreds of times.Â
But it no longer filled you with the warm fuzzy feeling it used to, even if the ache in your chest dulled.Â
âItâs rude to stare,â You mumbled, reluctantly forcing your eyes open to look at Lindsey.Â
Lindsey smirked, her dimples showing. âSome people consider it rude not to stare at a masterpiece,â
You rolled your eyes, pushing yourself to sit up. âThat line was played out the first time you used it,â
It was familiar in a way that had butterflies flying in your stomach, and unease settling firmly on your chest.Â
Linsey chuckled. âIt still made you blush back thenâÂ
You shrugged, running your hand through your hair, noting that you werenât wearing the brace and gauze that had become part of your wardrobe. You wiggled your fingers experimentally in front of your face, and you could feel Lindsey watching them too.Â
âThis is where it started,â She said softly, and your eyes snapped toward her.Â
âKinda,â
Lindseyâs eyebrows furrowed. âWhat do you mean?âÂ
You shrugged, dragging your eyes back toward your hand. It was easier to admit things when you didnât have to look at the person you were talking to. It was easier to follow Clarkeâs advice and be honest.Â
âAn equipment closet in Paris is where this phase of our relationship kicked off,âÂ
You said the words softly, but they felt heavy. It was like a rock splashing into a pond, leaving only ripples in its wake.Â
You expected Lindsey to argue with you. To say that the night of the World Cup wasnât where this whole thing started. That this room was the place where you shared most of your firsts. Your first feelings, your first kiss, your firstâŠtime.Â
But in that closet, she handed you your first heartbreak, and you werenât sure you had ever even begun to piece back the little shards of your heart.Â
She swallowed hard. âI wish that night ended differently. I wish I responded differently. Iâll never be able to tell you how sorry I am. I should have held you tighter, instead of pushing you away,âÂ
It surprised you that she didnât try to deny it, and you tried to smother the warm feeling that started to bloom in your chest. All you ever wanted was for her to acknowledge what the two of you shared.Â
âYou wonât even acknowledge weâre soulmates,â You countered, none of the fire you expected in your voice. You just sounded⊠defeated.Â
Lindsey frowned, her eyebrows furrowing. âThey didnât tell you?â
âTell me what?â You asked.Â
It irritated you that everyone knew things that you didnât know. It irritated you that they were talking about you without you there.Â
âI broke up with Ty. I told him and my parents,âÂ
âOh,â You breathed out.Â
âIâm not telling you to get you to forgive me. I just thought you should know,â She said too quickly as if she was afraid she would break the tenuous truce between you.Â
Silence stretched between you as you digested the information. Digesting that Tobin and Christen already knew. Digesting that Lindsey really had chosen you.Â
You could hear Clarkeâs voice in your head, reminding you of the homework she had assigned. The homework to talk about your feelings.Â
âYou know, it used to make me feel special that you didnât want other people to know,â You said slowly, and you could feel Lindseyâs eyes on your face. âThen it just made me feel dirty,âÂ
She reached out and caught your arm. âIâm sorry,âÂ
You felt it in your bones. Her honesty, her⊠desperation for you to believe her.Â
You did believe her, but you didnât want her apology. âYou keep saying that,âÂ
âYou deserve so much more than what I gave you,â She said, her voice barely above a whisper, her anguish cracking your heart.Â
You shook your head. âI donât need your pity, Lindsey. You donât have to do this because youâre guilty,â
She frowned. âGuilty?â
You chuckled. âThatâs what our relationship is based on isnât it?â
She only told them because she had to. Because she felt bad. Because Kelley had exposed Lindseyâs impact on you.Â
âAbsolutely not!â Lindsey exclaimed, wiggling your arm, trying to get you to look at her.Â
âIt is though,â You pressed out, despite the bitter taste of the words on your tongue. âYou never would have been my friend if you didnât walk in on me crying,âÂ
She never would have been your friend if she didnât feel some⊠obligation to not leave you alone that first night. She felt sorry for you because you were incapable of making friends with anyone else on the French squad.Â
âY/n,â She said more softly, shifting over and ducking so you had to look at her. âI had been working up the courage to talk to you since I moved in,â
Her eyes burned into yours, and her honesty sent shivers down your spine.Â
âIt was never because you felt bad for me?â You asked again.Â
âNo,âÂ
You nodded, your mind flying to try and catch up with the admission. With the knowledge that maybe she had wanted you as long as you wanted her. Maybe this wasnât just her response to pity and guilt.Â
Maybe she could help you with your therapy homework after all.Â
âDid you kiss me first, or did I kiss you?â You suddenly asked the question.
The tension between you dissipated instantly, and Lindseyâs laugh was like bells, drawing a smile to your features.Â
Lindseyâs head tilted. âYou canât remember?âÂ
You shook your head once. âNo, and I hate that I canât,â
A small smile played across her lips. âI guess it kinda makes sense. Itâs a trick question,âÂ
Your eyebrows furrowed as your mind thought back to that night.Â
You could practically feel the indent of her hand as it rested on your waist, holding you steady. You could feel her soft breaths puffing onto your lips. You could smell her perfume, mixed with something just so⊠Lindsey.Â
You remembered your eyes meeting hers, and how the blue was just a sliver around her dilated pupils. You remembered them getting closer like you were magnets drawn together.Â
âWe leaned in at the same time,âÂ
âWe did,â She agreed, watching as you leaned back into the pillows. âSo technically it was mutual,âÂ
You hummed, running a hand through your hair, accidentally flashing the dark mark that had crept back up your shoulder as your shirt shifted. You felt her eyes boring into it immediately.Â
âCan I,â She paused, clearing her throat. âCan I see the mark?âÂ
You tensed immediately, and you pulled away from her, your shoulders curling in on themselves. âYouâve already seen it,âÂ
She sat before you frozen, her hand hanging in the air like she was still holding on to you and flipped it over, and held it out to you. âY/n, please?âÂ
You stared at it with untrusting eyes.Â
Talking to Lindsey was one thing, but showing her the damage she caused was another.Â
But then again, didnât she have the right to see it? That was Kelleyâs defense after all.Â
You let out a long breath, sending her a very stiff nod. It took you another second to gather the courage to pull your shirt over your head.Â
Lindsey gasped as soon as the dark mark on your chest and the spider web of veins that sprouted from it was on display, but she didnât move. Her eyes didnât even roam the newly visible skin.Â
She was doing this at your pace, you realized.Â
âYou can look,â You said, your voice shaking slightly.Â
Lindsey swallowed and very slowly brought her eyes up to gaze at your chest. Her eyes felt heavy, but they didnât make you feel uncomfortable. You didnât feel objectified, but you never had with her.Â
âCan I,â She cleared her throat. âCan I touch it? They say that helps?â
You blinked at her, once, twice, before you slowly nodded.Â
It was something Clarke had suggested. She said physical contact in dreams was a good way to start, especially if you werenât averse to Lindseyâs touch.Â
The problem you saw was that you were the complete opposite. You were addicted to the way her skin felt on yours and the instant sense of safety it brought you.Â
Lindsey wasnât safe anymore, and you needed to remember that.Â
She moved slowly as she brought her hand to your chest like you were a frightened animal she was afraid would snap at her.Â
You sucked in a sharp breath when her fingers gently landed on the deep purple skin right above your heart, and tingles sprouted from the place the two of you met.Â
It made your chest burn, like a flame blasting away at the ice that had coated your veins.Â
It was better than a hug, and you could practically feel your worry and pain being sucked from your chest.Â
âDoes it-âŠâ You cleared your throat, your cheeks turning red. âDo you feel it too?âÂ
Lindsey frowned, and you rolled your eyes. âDo you feel the ache too?âÂ
âI do,â She bit her lip and nodded. She let her fingers wander up your chest, tracing the thick black line that extended to your neck.âBut I doubt itâs anywhere close to what you feel. I never meant to cause you pain,âÂ
You hissed when she pressed into the line slightly too hard, in the place Kelley always did. âThen why did you?â
She paused, slowly dragging her hand down across your shoulder and down your arm, following the web of lines.Â
âI was afraid, and that made me selfish,âÂ
âOf?â You pressed, catching her hand.Â
Her eyes blinked up to meet yours, and you saw something you didnât often see. Insecurity. âMy family, the media, myself,âÂ
Your lips pressed into a thin line. You could understand fear. She used Ty and the word âfriendshipâ as a shield. You had just been an inadvertent casualty.Â
That didnât change overnight. It also didnât make it ok, but it was nice to understand.Â
âWe would have gotten through it,â You said, your voice barely above a whisper. âTogether,âÂ
You would have done anything for her. You still would. You were willing to die so she could be happy after all.Â
âWeâll get through this too,â She squeezed your hand three times slowly. âIâll do whatever I have to make it up to you,âÂ
âNo more notes. Weâre not in high school,â You cracked a small smile leaning back into the pillows. âJust text me instead,âÂ
âI can do that,â She agreed, squeezing your hand again, and you believed her.Â
*****
You knew physical contact was supposed to help with the symptoms of soulmate sickness, you just never really thought about how much it would help.Â
You felt like you were walking on air. Like the weight in your chest had eased, even slightly. Even smiling didnât take as much effort as it had for the last several weeks.Â
Maybe that was why Freya had let you help the goalies practice (fucking finally), and even join in on the last few minutes of the scrimmage that ended practice.Â
You just felt⊠good. (But you were loath to admit it was mostly because of the dream you shared with Lindsey).Â
You expected that was what Freya wanted to talk to you about as practice came to a close. You hadnât expected her to instead lay out a plan that put your physical and mental health at the forefront of the team. You hadnât expected her to care.Â
Shock followed you to the locker room, as you sat down heavily in front of your locker.Â
âYou good?â Tobin asked, settling beside you as you untied your cleats. It was so much easier now that you didnât have to have the plastic splint under the gauze still wrapping your hand.Â
âHmm,â You hummed, pulling out your shin guards and sticking them inside your cleats.Â
Tobin waited for you to continue, sharing a look with Christen and raising her eyebrow when you did not.Â
âWhat was that about?â Christen prompted gently.Â
You blew out a breath, âFreya is excusing me from the game. I have to be in Portland but I donât have to go to the stadium,âÂ
Christen settled down on your other side. âAnd how do you feel about that?âÂ
You shrugged. âIâm not cleared to play, so Iâm not surprised,âÂ
You could feel them watching you, but you stared at your cleats.Â
âThat doesnât answer the question kid,â Tobin pressed, her hand leaning heavily on your shoulder, her thumb barely brushing the little scar that had replaced part of the black line that used to extend up your neck. âHow do you feel?â
âItâs not good to bottle it all up,â Christen added gently.Â
Your good hand clenched on your thigh. You didnât want to talk about how you felt. It would make you think about Lindsey and how irritating it was that her just touching you in a dream was enough to have the dark marks retreating. It was irritating that she was texting you now like things were normal.Â
âI donât bottle,â You grit out.Â
âYou do though,â Tobin said, squeezing your shoulder.Â
âYou hide all your feelings away to not distract us, or to protect us and it gets so bad that you finally explode,â Christen added, much more softly, carefully uncurling your fingers from your leg and pressing your hand flat. âLook where itâs gotten you,âÂ
âThis wasnât from bottling,â You muttered, finally dragging your eyes up to meet theirs. âI just wanted everything to stop,âÂ
âAnd punching a mirror and a wall over and over again helped with that?â Tobin quirked an eyebrow up at you.Â
You swallowed hard and looked away. âSometimes physical pain is better, more tangible than whatâs going on in my head. But this is different,âÂ
âYou donât know what you want to do?â Tobin asked.Â
You shook your head once, biting your lip. âNo,âÂ
âYouâll probably get to hang out in one of the boxes if you go,â Christen reasoned, weaving your fingers together, her other hand rubbing smooth circles into your back. You leaned into the familiar comfort, biting the inside of your cheek.Â
âMark will probably have Lindsey on the field for the whole game,â You agreed, suddenly finding your socks interesting. âAnd sheâs already texting me about coffee and stuff,âÂ
Christen and Tobin shared another long look behind your back.Â
âHow do you feel about that?â Christen asked you gently, and you wanted to roll your eyes at the repeated question. She was so much like Clarke in that way.Â
You shrugged again. âItâs just weird,âÂ
âWhat? Being back in the friend zone? Or dancing the line between the two again?â Tobin snorted, and you sent her a sideways glance.Â
âHer being nice to me,â you grumbled, pulling on your sweats and throwing your training gear into your bag. âIâm not sure if sheâs being honest or not,âÂ
âAnd youâre not sure if you want to find out?â Christen finished your thought for you as if she was reading your mind, ignoring Tobin.Â
You nodded. âItâs different in dreams, and Iâm not ready to do it in real life yet,âÂ
Frankly, you were just happy that the paper notes had stopped.
But the rest was more⊠complicated.Â
Everything in the dreams felt real. It felt right. You felt safe. But you knew you werenât.Â
You were just waiting for her to turn on you again. Or for her to suggest you go back to the way things were before. You didnât want to be a dirty little secret again.Â
So far, you had taken several small steps, each one talked out in detail with Clarke.Â
You werenât ready to see Lindsey in person. Or to be back in Portland. Your soul was still healing, but unlike your hands, the thick stitches you had used to pull yourself back together werenât as healed.Â
But you didnât really have a choice in one.Â
âBeing back in Portland will be a lot,â Tobin said, and you blinked at the sheer understanding you heard there.Â
âI know,â You muttered, running a hand through your hair. âI think being inside providence park will be too overwhelming,âÂ
âSo youâre just going to hang out at the hotel?â Christen asked, her eyebrows furrowed.Â
Neither she nor Tobin liked the idea of you being alone. Not after everything that had happened. Especially when you would be in a city that meant so much to the two of you.Â
Your shoulder lifted and fell for a third time. âYeah, probably,âÂ
Bailey would most likely set up a PT appointment for you or something, and then you would take notes on the game. You would avoid windows and reminders of where you were, and you would take solace in the genericness of the hotel. You would pretend you were in some other City somewhere.
You bit the inside of your cheek. âIâm not going to mention it to Lindsey yetâŠâ
A part of you didnât want to give her a chance to talk you into it, and a part of you wanted to throw her slightly off-kilter to see how she would respond. To see if she would reject you.
Christen and Tobin shared another look.
âWhatever you want to do kid,â Tobin agreed, though you could tell she wasnât entirely sold on your plan, and Christen squeezed your hand.Â
You needed to take little steps. And thatâs exactly what you would do.Â
******
Your nose scrunched as you came into consciousness.Â
You dragged your eyes open, immediately noting the clay-colored rocks across from you, and that you were leaning against a boulder the size of a car. You glanced around, seeing the tips of mountains beyond the slight narrowing of the trail, and you assumed a lookout lay beyond the gorge you had woken up in.Â
You let out a long sigh, pressing back into the smooth stone. It wasnât warm, despite the sun on your face, and you wondered if that was a product of the fan on the airplane blowing on your face. You wondered if it was enough to create the artificial breeze dancing through your hair and across your cheeks.Â
It was strange that you and Lindsey always met in dreams while you were flying.Â
You took another deep breath, before pushing yourself to your feet.Â
Your eyebrows furrowed as hiking boots you didnât own crunched against the trail, and your hand trailed against smooth, cool stones uninhibited by the bandage that had been a mainstay in your wardrobe since the incident nearly 6 weeks ago.Â
This had to be Lindseyâs dream.Â
You shook your head and slowly made your way through the crevice. You had to turn sideways to make it through the almost too-small crack in the rock to get to the open space just beyond.Â
The sight that met you was enough to take your breath away.Â
The gorge opened into a small clearing that ended in a cliff.Â
Mountains stretched out past the little cliffâs edge, nearly disappearing in the too-blue sky. You could see the ocean just beyond the farthest mountain peak, and if you squinted, you were sure you could spot a boat.Â
And there, seated on the edge of the cliff was Lindsey. She was the most beautiful sight of all.Â
Blind hair blowing slightly in the wind, her small tank top showing off her strong arms.Â
It was painful how gorgeous she was.Â
But Clarke said it was good to let yourself feel those feelings. That it was good for you to recognize and acknowledge your attraction to her, even if it made you feel conflicted.Â
You shook your head, and very slowly made your way towards her.Â
âSo this is what youâre always talking about huh?â You asked, settling down beside her, your legs hanging over the edge.Â
You felt her shift next to you, but you didnât turn away from the view.Â
âMakes it worth it, right?â She countered, and you could hear the roughness in her voice, but you could also feel her smirk.Â
You hated hiking and refused to go on almost all of her outings (the sunrise hike in Hawaii didnât count, especially with the kiss you had received in the early morning sun), but she always told you that the effort was with it because of the view you got to see. You still werenât convinced.Â
Just like you werenât convinced that all the work with Lindsey would turn out in the end. But Tobin has once felt the same way about Christen, and they turned out ok.Â
You shrugged. âIâm not sure. Iâd have to know how many miles away the car is first,â
 âI think it was like 4 and a half miles?â She scratched the back of her neck, and you felt her eyes on your face.Â
âHmm,â You hummed, cracking a smile. âWay too many for me,âÂ
âYou run like 8 in a game and more during practice,â Lindsey chuckled, nudging your shoulder gently.Â
âBut thatâs different,â You rolled your eyes, but couldnât help but chuckle with her. âItâs a goal-directed activity,âÂ
She raised an eyebrow at you, her dimples showing, but she didnât argue with you.Â
She scooted closer to you and in another world you would have laid your head on her shoulder, but you didnât. You couldnât allow yourself to get too comfortable.Â
âAre you on the flight?â Lindsey asked you, breaking the short silence that settled between you.Â
âYeah,â You nodded, your eyebrows furrowing. You knew that the flight was early, but you hadn't expected her to be asleep. Not when Mark was obsessed with morning practices. âDoesnât your practice start soon?âÂ
âI have no clue,â She muttered, rubbing the back of her neck again. âBut we can grab coffee after it ends? Your flight should get to Portland and you should have time to get unpacked and stuff,âÂ
âYou probably want to go to Dutch Bros,â You said teasingly.Â
âNo,â She said instantly, smirking. âGrounded NW has grown on me,âÂ
Your eyes widened at the name of your favorite coffee shop near the stadium. âYou said you hated them,âÂ
âItâs grown on me,â She shrugged, and you swore you saw a small blush crawling up her cheeks. âAnd it reminds me of you,â
You felt heat bleed into your cheeks. âYou said you didnât like their oat milk,â
âNo. I didnât like the barista flirting with you,â Lindsey explained, catching your hand. âTyler doesnât work there anymore,âÂ
You frowned. You remembered the tall boy and his twitchy nature. You remembered his asking too many questions as he took your order. You didnât remember flirting though⊠then again you had been with Lindsey. You rarely paid attention to other things when she was with you.Â
The last time you had been there, he wanted to know all about your upcoming game. Lindsey hadnât liked that. She practically dragged you out of the small shop after he got a little too close when he passed you your drink.Â
âYou were jealous?â You asked.Â
She bit her lip. âOf course I was jealous. People hit on you all the time, and you werenât mine.âÂ
âThat wasnât my fault,â You countered immediately, but she was already nodding.Â
âNo, it was mine,â Lindsey agreed. âBut that didnât make it easier,âÂ
It was nice to know that she shared the feelings you did. That she had wanted you.Â
At least it made sense why she hated your favorite coffee shop now.Â
âIs that why you ordered the most complicated drink Iâve ever heard?â You asked, your eyebrows furrowing.
It was strange how she always ordered some crazy iced coffee thing when you went there with her instead of her normal oat milk late.Â
âYeah,â She said sheepishly, the red in her cheeks traveling up towards her ears. âIt was Emilyâs idea really, but it kept him busy any time we went there,âÂ
You snorted. âI thought that was why he was always glaring at you,âÂ
âYou get stuck in your head,â Lindsey shrugged again.Â
You shrugged too, settling into silence. It was a true statement after all. You spent a good portion of your life trapped in your head, oblivious to the world around you.Â
âSo coffee after practice?â She asked suddenly. Â
You nodded, looking away. You wouldnât outright lie, but you wouldnât be completely honest either.Â
âCool,â She smiled widely at you, and you noticed the edges of the cliff turning slightly blurry. âSee you in Portland,âÂ
âYeah,â You said as she faded before you and the dream came to a close.
*****
Lindsey was very confused.
She thought that you were making progress. The two of you were cordial in dreams, and it felt like it used to feel when she was with you. You were willingly texting with her. You werenât avoiding her anymore.Â
It was easy to be with you. And the two of you were working your way towards being friends again.Â
At least she thought that.Â
But now she wasnât sure. Not with you not even being on the roster for practice, much less the game.Â
âFreya excused her,â Tobin shrugged, trying to push past Lindsey towards the field.Â
It was like a pin popping the balloon in her chest. The little pocket of happiness she had been operating in was gone in an instant.Â
You had just seen her. Why didnât you tell her? Why did you agree to coffee if you never intended on going?Â
Lindsey caught her arm. âBut sheâs ok? Sheâs not hurt?â
âYeah,â Tobin said dismissively, trying to pull her arm out of Lindseyâs grip. âSheâs not cleared for the game and is bored of being the goalieâs kicker,âÂ
Lindseyâs eyebrows furrowed. Players who couldnât play usually didnât travel with the team. âBut she said she was on the plane?âÂ
âSheâs doing PT at the hotel,â Christen cut in, appearing behind Tobinâs shoulder. Lindsey noted the sudden stiffness in the midfielder turned forwards form and the worry in Christenâs eyes.Â
And suddenly Lindsey understood. They didnât want to leave you alone. They didnât trust that you wouldnât do something stupid.Â
âMaybe we should get out of the tunnel,â Christen said, gesturing toward the now-empty LA locker room. Lindsey nodded and allowed them to guide her into the room and towards the bench.Â
She dutifully sat down and began wringing her hands together. âShe didnât want to see me, right?â
She couldnât help the hurt that colored her tone. She didnât expect you to outright lie to her.Â
âNot exactly,â Christen said as the door closed behind them.Â
âShe isnât cleared to play,â Tobin explained, settling down beside her. âEven if the dreams are helping the marks on her chest,âÂ
âI didnât know she wasnât cleared. She didnât tell me it was that bad,â Lindsey grumbled, looking away from the pair, and the eyes starting to watch them now that they were blocking the door to the locker room.Â
Christenâs hand was gentle against her shoulder, and her words were even softer. âLindsey, when has she ever?â
The midfielder blew out a long breath.Â
Christen was right. You were more apt to suffer in silence than burden one of them. But you told her that you were in pain. You showed her and she still ignored it. She ignored every warning sign and stomped over you like you didnât matter.Â
And suddenly, the strange ending to your shared dream made sense. As did the way you talked around going to coffee with her in your texts.Â
You were trying to protect yourself from getting hurt by her recklessness again.
She swallowed hard, looking away from Christen. âBut the mark on her chest has been better?â
She needed to know that she was at least helping in some way to repair the damage she had caused.Â
âItâs fading slowly,â Tobin said, leaning a warm, grounding hand on her back. âShe's irritated because the med staff wonât clear her until the stitches come out,â
âAnd Clarke wonât clear her until she talks about her emotions,â Christen added, her voice even.Â
âSo seeing me was too much?â Lindsey said, more pained than she intended, running a hand through her hair. âBut weâve been fine in the dreams,â
Christen settled beside her, and gently took her hand. âThe two of you were ok in a dream before, and then she got hurt again,â
âPlus she literally plans out what to say to you in those dreams,â Tobin snorted, shaking her head. âIt's most of what she and her therapist talk about,â
âSo real life was too? What, real?â Lindsey muttered bitterly.Â
Tobin sighed, squeezing her shoulder again. âIt brings up too many emotions and being here is already hard for her,â
âBut we were finally interacting like we did before,â Lindsey ran another hand through her hair, dragging it down her face. âThings were finally back to the way they were before,â
Christenâs eyes tightened like she was choosing her next words carefully. âHave you considered that going back to the way things were before might be slightly overwhelming for her?â
Lindsey let the words sink in, but she didnât understand them.Â
âWhy? All I did was ask her for coffee. It was a friendly date,â
She felt more than she saw Christen and Tobin share a long look.Â
âYou didnât call it a date,â Christen said softly, and Lindsey felt her shoulders sink. âAnd the two of you were never just friends,â
Of course that was the crux of the issue. You told her it would be.Â
You didnât want to be a dirty secret. You wanted her to acknowledge what was between you, and not just in the dreams.Â
But you werenât more than friends. Yet.Â
âWe were friends who occasionally slept together,â Â
The words felt clinical on her tongue.Â
âPsh occasionally,â Tobin snorted, ignoring Christenâs glare.Â
âA relationship is about more than sex Lindsey,â The striker said sharply, leaving no room for argument. âYou two have been emotionally intimate for a very long time. You were intimate even before you started sleeping together,âÂ
âWe werenât,â Lindsey protested, but Tobin squeezed her shoulder, stopping her before she could deny you yet again.Â
âYou were,â The midfielder turned striker said softly, âThe only reason I could move into the apartment in France was because you two had been sharing a bed for months,âÂ
Lindsey groaned. âWe werenât sleeping together yet though,âÂ
âNo,â Christen agreed. âBut emotionally, you were far closer than friends are. You were basically dating without a label. You went to restaurants and places alone just so you could spend time together. You held each other during sleep and cuddled every chance you got. You washed each other's hair, and You didnât keep any secrets. The list goes on,âÂ
âIt felt like your entire world was falling apart when she left, right?â Tobin added, watching as recognition flashed through her blue eyes. âThat feeling doesnât come from just being friends. Each time you deny that, you deny her,â
It felt like a knife in Lindseyâs chest, slowly deflating her.Â
The two of you had done all of those things. You moved with and around each other like you were one person. Like you belonged. And when the elevator door shut on your face, she had never felt so much pain in her entire life. It was like cracks were rippling through her entire being. She didnât know how to be without you. How to cope.Â
And it solidified how much she did not know how to fix this. It was a minefield of hurt she didnât know how to navigate.Â
âI know that,â Lindsey muttered, running a frustrated hand through her hair. âThatâs not what I mean,â
âBut thatâs what Y/n hears. Itâs what sheâs always heard,â Christen said, her words heavy. A sense of finality in her tone.Â
It made Lindseyâs chest ache because you had told her that too. She knew you felt dirty. Used. Dispensable to her, even if you werenât.Â
âI know,â She murmured, dragging her hand from her hair and down her face. âI justâŠ-â
She paused, digging her palm into her eye, and Tobin and Christen waited for her to get her thought out.Â
âHow am I supposed to fix it if she wonât even come see me,â
The, in reality, was implied.
Christen sighed, reaching out to take Lindseyâs hand and carefully pull it from her face. The midfielder met her eyes with burning blue. âWe know she hated the notes, but maybe a coffee delivery will be different,â
âAnd a âdate of sorts,â Tobin added, her lips pulling into a half smile. âFacetime has a screen share feature so you can both watch the game,âÂ
Lindsey nodded seriously, her face morphing into the one it did when she was watching film. Focused and intent. You didnât want to see her in person, but a Facetime date would mean that she technically wasnât.Â
âI can handle that,â Lindsey hummed, pushing herself to her feet, motivated now that she had a solid plan.Â
âHey Linds,âÂ
âYeah?â She asked, pausing by the door and turning to look at them.Â
âIf you hurt her again, we wonât stop Kelley this time,â Christen said seriously.
âI know,â She nodded. âSonnett said the same thing. Iâm not going to hurt her,âÂ
******
It was decidedly strange being left alone.Â
You had been surrounded by people since the incident, whether it was Tobin and Christen or your new teammates doing their best to be there for you (even if they had no clue what was going on).Â
You understood it, and deeply appreciated their efforts to protect you (even from yourself), but as you sat on your hotel room bed, adamantly not looking out the window at the view, you realized how much you had missed solitude.
It was something you talked about with Clarke during the team's morning walk-through.Â
It felt like the first time in a long time that you had space to just think. To process what it felt like to be back in a city that meant so very much to you.Â
The hotel room was generic enough that you could pretend you were in a different place, even if that didnât follow Clarkeâs advice. Even if you werenât sure you wanted to pretend anymore.Â
You understood that avoiding Lindsey and Portland wouldnât fix anything.Â
But you were afraid.Â
Lindsey had always made logic go out the window. She made you feel things in your chest and your stomach that made your brain want to believe her. It made you want to set aside all of the warning bells in your brain.
At least in the dreams, you knew that none of it was real.Â
It didnât matter if you trusted her in the dreams, because you knew you couldnât when you opened your eyes.Â
The only way for her to earn that trust back was through actions, but you werenât ready for that. Even if you wereâŠÂ
It didnât change anything.
You blew out a long breath, settling back on the bed and flicking through the channels on the television to find the one showing the game.Â
Freyaâs only contingency for sitting out was that you watched how everyone performed. You could do that. You were planning on doing it anyway.Â
You hummed as the LA Lineup flashed onto the screen, excited to see both Christen and Tobin starting and interested that they would have Charley up top with them. You wondered if Christen or her would take the 9 spot, or if they would swap out.Â
It would be a tough task for any of the back line to take them on, and the midfield would be a major factor.Â
You were also curious about what midfield Portland would put up to try and slow them down. Of course, Lindsey would be starting, or so you thought. Your easy smile flipped on itself when you saw that Lindsey was not in the starting 11. She wasnât even on the roster.Â
The commentators were steering clear of mentioning it beyond that you were out with an injury and Lindseyâs absence was excused for personal reasons.
You didnât get a chance to ponder what the fuck personal reasons were before there was a soft knock at your door.Â
You stared at the door for a long minute, flipping between the roster and it several times.Â
It would be an entirely Lindsey thing to do to show up at your door, despite your efforts to avoid her. It was an entirely Lindsey thing to be stubborn enough not to give up, despite how much you wanted her to.Â
You let out a long sigh and pushed yourself to your feet. You paused when you reached the door, your hand on the shiny handle, steeling yourself to come face-to-face with her.Â
You cracked the door open, peeking out, expecting to see her standing there.
Except she wasnât.Â
All that was there was a to-go coffee cup with a sticky note attached to the front.Â
âWhat the fuck?â You mumbled, pulling the door open wide enough so you could pick it up, before retreating into your room.Â
You plucked the little orange note off the front, squinting at the loopy writing.Â
I know you hated the notes, but I wanted to respect your space.Â
FaceTime coffee date?
You couldnât help but chuckle at it, both irritated and endeared at the same time.Â
It was thoughtful and reminded you of a Lindsey you knew before the World Cup.Â
You sat back on the bed, taking a hesitant sip of the drink she had gotten you and sticking the sticky beside you on the nightstand.Â
It was your favorite drink.Â
You werenât sure why you expected anything less.Â
You grabbed your phone from the nightstand and flipped to Lindsey's contact, pausing for just a second, stealing your resolve yet again before pressing it.Â
It only rang twice before Lindseyâs face appeared on your screen.Â
âHey,â She smiled brilliantly at you, but you still saw the hint of nerves in her eyes.Â
You smiled back, holding your cup up to the camera. âHey, thanks for the coffee,âÂ
âCouldnât have a coffee date without coffee.â She held hers up too, and you noticed the little Dutch bros logo that differed from the grounded NW that was stamped on your cup. âI figured we could pull up a tandem stream and watch the game together,âÂ
You scratched the back of your neck, as the screen shifted to a wide shot of warmups. âLike a Skype?âÂ
âThereâs a program,â Lindsey shrugged, and the camera shifted as she grabbed what you assumed was her computer. âI can send you a link,âÂ
You squinted at the phone, glancing back up at your television. There were still 20 minutes before the game.Â
âHow did you know what room I was in?â You asked, trying not to focus on how attractive the way Lindsey pulled her lip between her teeth was. How attractive the lines of her neck were.Â
She looked up at you, her blue eyes burning through you even through the screen.Â
âOne of the equipment interns is a big fan,â She shrugged. âCost me an autograph, but she was willing to help,âÂ
You couldnât help the way your lips lifted as you shook your head. âBecca isnât a fan, but her girlfriend Chloe is,âÂ
âAh, I see,â Lindsey hummed, and it felt like old times again. It sent butterflies fluttering in your chest and dread pulsing through your stomach. âI found the link, Iâll send it to you,âÂ
It reminded you that you couldnât trust her. That she would only hurt you because you were her secret. You just didnât understand why she wanted to connect with you here.Â
Why she was trying so hard when she would just reject you again anyway.Â
âWhy are you doing this?â You asked her suddenly.Â
She blinked back towards you. âDoing what?â
âPretending like you care,â You shrugged, picking at a loose thread on your shorts, looking away from your phone. âYou donât have to put in the effort because you feel guilty or whatever. I donât blame you for this,âÂ
You held your still gauze-covered hand up so she could see it.Â
She frowned, holding your gaze. âIâm not doing this because I feel guilty, and Iâm not pretending,âÂ
âThen why?âÂ
âIâŠ,â Red colored her cheeks and she swallowed her, but she didnât look away from you like you expected her to. âIâve had feelings for you for a very long time. You are my soulmate, and I have a lot of making up to do. I know that in-person stuff is probably overwhelming, so I thought this was a good compromise,âÂ
You stared at her like she had grown an extra head.Â
She actually listened to what you told her and then thought about it. For the first time, she was taking your feelings into account, instead of barreling through them.Â
It was soâŠweird.Â
Of course, she had always been thoughtful, but never about your boundaries. She had always stubbornly edged her way past the very few that there were, and you let her because you wanted her to.Â
And it was frustrating because you couldnât read her emotions through the phone. You didnât want to do whatever this was on a screen.Â
âThe stream will be a little grainy, but itâll work,â she cleared her throat. âI just sent it to you,âÂ
You sighed but pulled out your laptop and opened the link she sent you. She was right, it was grainy, especially compared to the stream you had going on the television.Â
âThis is stupid,â You said as the stream glitched. âWhere are you?âÂ
âUm, the conference room,â Lindsey muttered, scratching the back of her neck. âWhy?â
You sucked your lip between your teeth, biting down bone too gently, hoping that the little sting would help you think. That it would help you focus.Â
Were you ready to see her in person? Probably not, but when had you ever been ready for Lindsey?Â
You were almost there.Â
And a FaceTime, when no one knew, was too reminiscent of the way things had been. It felt too secretive. Too⊠hidden.Â
âI'm coming down,â You said, deciding in an instant that if you were going to do this, you werenât going to be her secret. If you were going to do this, if she was going to prove that things would be different, then she was going to have to do it in public where people could see you. âWatching soccer through a screen sucks when the stadium is only like 3 minutes away,âÂ
She froze, her mouth opening and closing a few times as you slipped off of the bed and pulled on a pair of slides (laces were still a bitch when you couldnât move your dominant hand).Â
It was cool enough out that you wouldnât look out of place in your sweats, so you slid your room key and your wallet into your pocket before heading out the door.Â
âYou donât have to,â She mumbled, running a hand through her hair as the door slammed behind you. âI donât want you to feel pressured,âÂ
You glanced at the screen. âI donât. I justâŠ,âÂ
You let out a long breath, trying to figure out how to explain it to her.Â
âThis feels too much like when we watched the premier leagues finals together on FaceTime because Arod gave me a concussion when we played against Utah,â You said, using your back to push through the door that separated the hallway and the stairway.Â
It was an unfortunate accident that kept you off the national team roster for the SheBelieves Cup, but that hadnât stopped you and Lindsey from watching the Arsenal vs. Barça game.Â
You had opened your apartment door to find soup waiting for you instead of coffee, and a little note that felt so similar. It was perfect, until Emily interrupted your date, and suddenly you were just Lindseyâs friend again.Â
You swallowed, looking away from the phone as you descended down the steps. âI donât want things to be like they were before,âÂ
Everyone was in agreement that you couldnât go back to the way things were. It would kill you more than the soulmate sickness already was.Â
You would be past the point of no return if you werenât there already.Â
She paused on the other end of the phone, a very serious look crossing her features.Â
âI donât either,â She said, her eyebrows furrowing the same way they did in the locker room when she figured out how to break through the other team's defense. âI know you hated the notes, but what I said in them was true. I choose you, and Iâll do whatever I need to prove it to you,â Â
You sighed but didnât argue back, pausing on the landing between the 2nd floor and the 1st.Â
There was no point anyway. Now with Lindsey so⊠stubbornly determined.Â
âMeet me in the lobby,â You breathed out, not giving her a chance to say anything before you hung up.Â
Your heart beat erratically in your chest, and you gripped the railing, trying to calm the storm of butterflies and ice fighting in your stomach.Â
You sucked in a deep breath through your nose, counting to four in your head before blowing it out for eight, repeating the cycle until the gray edges of your vision returned.Â
A simple phrase shouldnât set you so on edge.Â
You shouldnât care so much about meaningless words.Â
You dropped your head, resting it against the cool wall of the stairwell.Â
It was ok that you cared, you reminded yourself. You could hear Clarkeâs words in your head. It was normal, natural to have feelings.Â
You let out another long breath, debating on leaving Lindsey waiting for you in the lobby and running back up to your room.Â
But you couldnât.Â
That would be cruel, and you should at least put up as much effort as Lindsey was.Â
Nothing would be resolved if you didnât, and you couldnât live in limbo for forever, no matter how much your anxiety said you could.Â
While seeing Lindsey in person was a terrifying prospect, it was a step you needed to take. Not for her, but for yourself.Â
You didnât need her to choose you, because you were choosing yourself. And you wouldnât let fear rule you.Â
You wouldnât let resignation either.Â
Tobin was right, you deserved to let yourself have 5 seconds of bravery.Â
******
You stared out at the crowd at Providence park, spotted with red and roses and little flecks of pink from the fans who had followed you from LA.Â
It was a sight you knew would never get old, even if it sent a little pang through your chest now.Â
You remembered the last time you had sat in this box, it was so⊠different.Â
Everything in your universe was falling apart, and you were convinced no one cared. It was the last game of the season, and all you could think about was escaping. Running away to a country where even Emily and Tobin couldnât hunt you down.Â
Now though, here you sat staring at the glinting of the fans in the stadium like it was the light at the end of a tunnel.Â
You just hoped it wasnât a train.Â
âItâs kinda weird,â You mumbled, leaning forward and resting both of your elbows on the edge of the box.Â
It made you feel almost nostalgic.Â
âHmm?â Lindsey hummed from two seats away from you, her eyes never leaving the field.Â
She had been strangelyâŠnormal with you since you met her in the lobby. Her smile had been shy, and you did your best not to stare at the little sliver of skin above the low-hanging waist of her sweatpants.Â
She held the door for you when you came in the back entrance of the stadium and made small talk all through the 3-minute walk.Â
It set you at ease and that fucking terrified you.Â
âThe last time I was up here, Tobin scored a hatty and now everyone is booing her,â You said, your eyes following the winger as she slid a ball in to Christen, and your nose scrunching when Bixby barely made the save.Â
Lindsey snorted, and shook her head, clearly remembering the game you were talking about. âThat was a rough game for the Spirit. Rosie was pissed,âÂ
Your lips tilted up.Â
Rosie had been so so spicy, especially during the second half of the game. With the frustration on her side, you couldnât blame her.Â
âEmily almost got a red card because she couldnât stop her without fouling her,âÂ
Lindsey shook her head, mirroring your expression. âRosie is a fucking pain in the ass to defend against,âÂ
Rosie was a magician on the ball, and even with the Thorns up by 4 in that game, she had been tearing the defense apart.Â
âThe worst,â You agreed, and a strange look crossed Lindseyâs face.Â
âI donât know if Iâd go that far,â She picked at a string on her sweatpants, and your eyes zeroed in on the movement. âThere were some definite sighs of relief when you werenât on the roster,âÂ
It brought you back to where you were. To how⊠strained things between you and Lindsey were.Â
To how it was all your fault.Â
She said that she didnât pity you, but you didnât believe her.Â
The only reason she was doing any of this was because she felt guilty. Your friends had turned against her, and the only way for them to forgive her was for her to try to fix it with you.Â
And you were too pathetic to even give her a real chance.Â
âI guess Iâm a pain in the ass in a lot of ways, huh?â
Her head snapped at the self-deprecating comment, one that she knew stretched much deeper than your soccer-playing ability.Â
She knew it wasnât the perfect time to bring up heavy things, but she couldnât let the moment pass.Â
âYouâre not,â Lindsey said vehemently, reaching across the empty seat between you to catch your non injured hand and tangle your fingers together. âI hurt you. You are allowed to process that however, you need to do that. I love you and I will do whatever I can to show you that and to earn my shot with you. I wasted my first one, but I will not waste the second one. Iâm so sorry that I hurt you.âÂ
It was everything you ever wanted her to say. What you had dreamed about her saying for years. It made you feel tingly all over and you were sure that you were blushing. It helped to set you at ease and sent alarm bells ringing in your ears at the same time.Â
You tore your eyes away from her, looking back out at the fans.Â
Red banners fluttered around the crowd, mixing with the yellows and greens of the stadium like warning signs.Â
Like the signs your subconscious had tried to show you the first time around.Â
âDonât,â You bit out, snatching your hand away, pushing yourself up from the stadium chair, and putting as much space between the two of you as you could in the cramped box. You ran your gauzed hand through your hair, ignoring the way it pulled uncomfortably at the strands.Â
She paused, watching you with careful eyes like you were a wounded animal backed into a corner.Â
âDonât what?â She asked, keeping her voice level.Â
The tone irritated you.Â
It reminded you too much of Christen.Â
You shook your head, climbing the steps of the box and stepping into the hallway.Â
âY/n wait,â Lindsey called after you.Â
But you didnât. You hung a left and headed off with no particular direction in mind, trusting your feet to take you to a spot you could breathe.Â
âY/nâ she called again, her voice closer than it was, but you didnât stop for her, hanging another right and a left down the maze of hallways. âWhere are you going?âÂ
You didnât answer.Â
Her feet pounded the concrete floor as she raced to catch up with you, but you ignored it.Â
You didnât care if she followed you.Â
âY/n,â She caught your arm, pulling you to a stop and forcing you to look at her. âDonât what?â
You looked up and met her burning blue eyes. âDon't say things you donât mean because you think itâs what youâre supposed to do. You might not pity me, but youâre only trying to fix this because you feel guilty or whatever. Youâre only saying you love me because you know what will happen if you donât. I just,âÂ
You tore your eyes away, stepping as far from her as the small hallway would allow, your back landing heavily against the army-green wall. âI would rather let the hole in my chest kill me than have you pretending to feel things you donât,âÂ
She stepped into your space, and you molded yourself against the cool brick.Â
âIâm not pretending,â She said, leaning close to you, her eyes boring into yours with fire and passion, and honesty. âI love you Y/n. Not because Kelley sent me a photo or because the team hates me. Iâve been in love with you since we were 18. I was just too much of a coward to admit it. I have fucked this up so badly, I know, but how do I get it through your thick skull that there has never been a moment where I didnât love you,âÂ
You swallowed hard, glancing over her shoulder towards the random staff lingering.Â
She followed your gaze before all of her attention was back on you. âAnd this time, I donât care who knows. Youâre my soulmate,âÂ
And there it was, the moment you had been waiting for since you opened your eyes to see her childhood playground so many months ago.Â
âI love you too,âÂ
The words fell shakily from your lips. A shuttering promise, filled with devotion and heaviness.Â
An unspoken Always passed between you.Â
âI know,â She nodded once, stepping back from your personal space, and straightening her Office t-shirt. Though she didnât drop your hand. âDo you wanna watch the rest of the game?â
You swallowed again. âYeah,âÂ
Her smile turned shy as she began to lead you back toward the box to watch the rest of the game. âAnd maybe we can do a movie night or something after?âÂ
You squeezed her hand in three slow pulses, hoping to slow your racing heart. âMaybe,âÂ
You didnât necessarily trust her, but you also werenât ready for the night to end yet.Â
It was a dangerous idea, but the ache in your chest made you hesitant to leave Lindsey. Hesitant to deny her.Â
You wouldnât have to decide until the end of the game anyway.Â
******
As it turned out, making the decision to go with Lindsey back to the hotel after the game was⊠easier than youâd like to admit.Â
Just being with her made the lingering throb in your chest ease. It neutralized the burning acid in your stomach and slowly started to thaw the ice in your veins.
The feeling was addictive and so much stronger than the ones you got from the dreams.Â
It terrified you, but you were unwilling to stop yet.Â
It was like she was a campfire. You needed to be close to her warmth, but you knew too much exposure would leave you smelling like smoke. That getting too close would burn you.Â
It was why you had been so hesitant to see her in person.Â
You knew you wouldnât be able to deny her.Â
You had never been able to deny her.Â
But being with her this time felt distinctly different.Â
She held your hand throughout the rest of the game, and on the walk back to the hotel. She hadnât let go until you used the little key card to scan into your room.Â
She had taken the double bed that you hadnât used as you cued up an old USMNT game, kicking her shoes off and settling against the pillows.Â
It just felt⊠odd to have so much space between the two of you, even if you were slightly grateful for it. And while you appreciated Lindsey trying to respect a boundary she was unsure of, it felt⊠forced.Â
You looked away from the screen, and towards Lindsey, your hands opening and closing several times trying to figure out where you were supposed to sit.Â
You had 2 options.Â
You could either sit beside her on the extra bed, or across from her on the one you had already used.Â
While sitting on your bed would give you the solace of not having to fight your instincts, just the idea of sitting with her was making the hole in your chest crackle with the possibility of relief. It was like holding water out to a person trapped in the desert. Like a life raft floating inches from a drowning man.Â
She made eye contact with you, gently patting the space beside her, seemingly seeing your struggle. âI wonât bite. I wonât even cuddle you if you donât want me to. Weâre doing this at your pace,âÂ
You slowly stepped towards her, settling next to her on the bed. You slowly leaned back on the pillows, dangerously close to her arm.
She kept her word and didnât move a muscle, even as you wiggled beside her trying to get comfortable.Â
You sighed, closing your eyes as Alexie Lalaâs voice droned on about things you didnât care about, trying not to think about how warm Lindsey was.Â
You took three deep breaths, making your choice. You were going to have to be the one to make the first move.Â
You pushed your doubt from your mind and slowly moved your hand towards the best radiating from Lindsey. Your fingers gently descended her arm until you met her hand, and you wound your fingers together.Â
Lindsey welcomed the touch, and you shouldnât have been surprised since you had been holding hands all night, but you were.Â
It should have scared you how perfectly the two of you fit together, but it didnât.Â
You had always fit together perfectly. Maybe that was why you were soulmates.Â
She squeezed your fingers and shifted so her shoulder could be a more comfortable pillow for your head.Â
âComfy?â She asked when you wiggled again, pressing more tightly against her as you got cozy.Â
You hummed, opening your eyes to look at the game on the screen.Â
She brought your intertwined hands up and kissed the back of yours. âGood,âÂ
You both settled into a comfortable silence as the menâs team took the field.Â
It reminded you of the thousands of nights the two of you had spent together before, but it didnât fill you with a sense of dread that it had not too long ago. It didnât make you feel dirty.Â
It was impossible for it to when Lindseyâs warmth was leaching into your skin, melting the edges of the ice that encased your chest.Â
The fingers of her free hand gently traced up and down your forearm, barely brushing the gray line on the inside of your elbow every few laps.Â
You wondered if she knew that the simple contact sent singles up your arm. Or if she knew that physical touch was the only way to cure the effects of soulmate sickness.Â
âDo they hurt?â She asked you as Jamaica cleared the ball and the menâs team stepped up to take a throw-in.Â
You blinked, once, twice processing the gentle question.Â
âThose donât anymore. Theyâre healed,â You said slowly as her finger traced the gray line up past your elbow. âThe doc says that the lines will never completely go away through,âÂ
It got a bit darker as it ascended your arm, but it was nothing compared to the bubbling black it had been. The lines would fade a bit more until they were little more than raised silver skin like any other scar, it would just take time.Â
âThe others?â Lindseyâs voice was barely above a whisper, as she traced slightly higher up your arm, towards your shoulder.Â
You shook your head. âNot as bad as it used to be. The meds help, andâŠ,â You swallowed hard. âAnd not seeing him with you helps too,â
You felt Lindsey nod, and it went quiet again for another long second.Â
âCan I see it?âÂ
Her voice stayed soft and hesitant, and you fought to keep yourself from going rigid.Â
It was a hard thing to explain, that letting people see the still deep purple mark on your chest. That letting Lindsey see it was more intimate than almost anything the two of you had ever done.Â
Doing it in dreams was so different than letting her see it in real life.Â
And you werenât really sure how you felt about that.Â
You also werenât sure how you felt about being alone with Lindsey in just a sports bra and shorts.Â
âYouâve already seen it,â You mumbled stiffly.Â
âI know,â Lindsey agreed, taking a long pause like she was choosing her words carefully. âI just⊠Can I see it for real?â
You let out a long breath through your nose because you understood the need to see it in real life.Â
You didnât trust the dreams either, but did you trust Lindsey enough to let her see?
You wondered what Clarke would say. What her advice would be?Â
It would probably be some shit about following your feelings.
You let out another long breath.Â
âOk,â You whispered, your voice sounding more unsure than you wanted to show.Â
âOk,â Lindsey repeated, squeezing your hand once, before letting go.Â
It was a long second before you sat up, carefully scooting away from her and turning so you were facing her. She pulled her feet up so she was sitting criss cross and shuffled forward so your knees were touching.Â
Your eyes met hers. The blue in them seemed to smolder as they stared into yours, and for the first time in a very long time, nerves bubbled in your stomach.Â
You carefully pulled your shirt over your head, revealing the dark bruise that still sat right above your heart, and the receding spider web of veins that sprouted out from it.Â
Lindseyâs eyes remained locked with yours until you nodded once, giving her consent to look. It was only then that they trailed down your face, and towards the network of gray and purple that dotted the skin of your neck, deepening as it approached the space right above your heart.Â
Her lip disappeared between her teeth as she finally landed on the epicenter of your pain.Â
âCan I?â She asked, lifting her hand, but not touching you.Â
You swallowed the lump in your throat, but nodded once again, having already expected the request.Â
She nodded again, and very slowly extended her arm.Â
Her hand was warm as it landed on your shoulder, very gently touching the graying lines near your neck. Even the gentle press had a shudder running down your spine and goosebumps appearing up and down your arms.Â
âGood?â Lindsey asked, her eyes darting back up to yours.Â
You nodded stiffly. âGood,âÂ
She hummed, dragging her hand down the graying line towards the black mark above your heart.Â
She flattened her palm against it, and it was like a lantern in the dark. Like an instant balm for the ever-present sting that accompanied each heartbeat.Â
You were sure she could feel how fast it was beating, like a runaway freight train threatening to explode out of your chest.Â
You shivered at the feeling, so much more potent than it was in the dreams.Â
It tingled and burned and filled you with a sense that everything was going to be ok (even if the rational part of your brain knew everything was so far from it), but it was different because this time, it was real.Â
âWhat does it feel like?âÂ
âHm?â You blinked up at her, realizing that your faces were merely inches apart.Â
Her eyes lifted from the little lines slowly receding on your chest to meet yours again. âI feel the warmth in my hand, but what does it feel like for you?âÂ
âItâs hard to explain,â You said, squinting, your tongue poking from between your teeth. âItâs like a lantern lighting a dark abyss. Like a warm cup of tea after a freezing rain game,âÂ
She nodded once, looking away from you and back towards the web of black on your chest. âIâm sorry I did this,âÂ
âI know,â You smiled gently at her. âI forgive you,âÂ
The truth was that you had forgiven her long ago, even if you didnât trust her.Â
Her head bobbed in time with her throat. âI just felt like I needed to say it again. I was just so in my head that I wasnât letting myself feel,âÂ
Your lips turned down, and your eyebrows furrowed. âAnd what do you feel?â
Her eyes flicked up to meet yours, shy and hesitant. âI feel like I want to kiss you,âÂ
You tilted your chin so your lips were centimeters apart. âWhatâs stopping you?âÂ
She sighed softly. âWeâre doing this at your pace, and I donât want to push you. You should be able to forgive me in your own time, without outside pressure from me,âÂ
You felt more warmth bloom in your chest, spreading from the point the two of you were touching, all the way up to your ears.Â
It filled you with fondness and⊠love. It made you feel like she cared, and you wanted so badly to believe that she did.Â
And maybe this time you did believe her.Â
Trust would take time to earn, and for the first time in a very long time, you were willing to give her the chance to earn it.Â
This time you had the power to change the ending.Â
âKiss me,â You murmured.
She leaned in the rest of the way, and your eyes slid closed as her lips pressed very gently into yours.Â
It was different than the kisses you had shared before, more reminiscent of the ones between you in France before the world of expectations and responsibilities had been placed on your shoulders.Â
It was softer, more hesitant, but passionate nonetheless.Â
You saw fireworks behind your eyelids and all your nerves stood on end. Your lips fit perfectly together, moving in a dance that only they knew.Â
It was everything you had ever wanted and more, and it was everything you wanted for the rest of your life.Â
Things werenât perfect between the two of you. You both had scars and pain and things that you needed to solve with each other, but you knew that they would heal. Together you would be able to move past your past and make your future solid. Together you would figure it out. You would make it, together, interwoven for all eternity.Â
Always
#uswnt imagine#uswnt imagines#uswnt x reader#lindsey horan imagine#lindsey horan x reader#my 20000 word soulmate fic
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I gotcha Partner- Jay Halstead
Summary: After chasing down a suspect, you have a bad asthma attack.
Warnings: none that I know of.
Authors note: Jayâs installment in the platonic asthma fics. â€ïž Enjoy!
âââââââââ
You have been Jay Halsteadâs partner since Erin Lindsey left 2 years ago. You had been friend prior to this partnership, having met at Mollyâs as well, so the partnership was easy to fall into. You knew each others quirks well, but you also knew each otherâs medical history very well given all the near deaths you two have experienced since being partners. You have never experienced more near death experience on the job before working with Jay Halstead.
Today, you and Jay, along with the rest of the intelligence unit, are sitting on a suspectâs house. This individual has been indicted for multiple counts of aggravated assault and battery, leading the unit to believe that he is involved in a string of assaults at a few night clubs he has been known to frequent. Heâs smarter than most criminals. He makes sure not to hit the same club multiple times, but to randomly jump around to throw off any suspicion.
You and Jay were sat in his truck, idly chatting about Mattâs move into the apartment with you and Kelly, when the suspect pulled into his driveway. You both straightened up as Voight began to speak.
âSuspect has landed. Suspect has landed. Use caution. Donât spook him.â Voight instructed through our radio.
Jay grabbed our tac gear from the backseat and handed me my own. We suited up before slowly pulling the truck to block the end of the driveway. Burgess and Adam came up one side while Voight and Atwater came up the other. You noticed blood on his door handle and quickly jumped out of the truck and rounded it to grab the guy.
âChicago PD!â You yelled, announcing yourself before moving to grab the suspect. Unfortunately, he was quick to react and shoved you into Kim before running down the small alley way next to his house. âRabbit Rabbit Rabbit!â You yelled, quickly standing to your feet to pursue. You were the smallest and the fastest, next to Kevin.
You heard Jay flip the sirens and say he was going to cut him off. Kevin was on your heels, cursing about how the perps always run but they canât run from you all. You shook your head, pushing through the burning in your chest. You were still recovering from your attack a few days prior, so you definitely werenât in top shape.
You saw the end of alley way, thanking God that this run was coming to an end. Just as the suspect reached the end of the alley, Jay pulled the truck to block it and held the suspect at gun point through the window.
âPut your hands up.â Jay growled, seeing the blood on the suspectâs shirt and knuckles.
You stopped running, coming to a halt at the back of the truck with your hands on your knees. You were having trouble catching your breath as an audible wheeze left your body. You dizzily grabbed the bumper as you sunk to the ground. Jay saw you and quickly jumped out of the truck as Kevin cuffed the perp.
âY/n?!â Jay yelled, crouching down in front of you. âJesus. Your blue.â Jay muttered, taking your face in his hands for a second. You were ice cold. âItâs okay. I gotcha partner. Up we go.â Jay muttered, pulling you into his arms and rounding the truck.
âShe okay?â Voight asked, coming to open the door for Jay.
âShe will be. Sheâs having an asthma attack.â Jay said over your wheezes. He dug around in the glove box until he unearthed your inhaler. âAlright sweetie. Letâs do this.â Jay shook the inhaler before helping you squeeze the trigger as you attempted to breathe.
âHere. I got a pulse ox from the first aid kit.â Kim said, jogging back from her and Adamâs car. She handed the device to Jay before moving back to give you and Jay some room.
They all waiting on baited breath as the pulse ox read. High heart rate and oxygen level fluctuating between 83-85. Their eyes grew wide at the reading, concerned given that your inhaler should have opened you up by now.
âIâm taking her to med.â Jay said, buckling you in and shutting the door.
âI will give you an escort.â Voight said, quickly running to his SUV that Kevin pulled around after placing the suspect in the back of a patrol car.
â5021 George to Medâ Jay said into his radio, lights and sirens blaring as he drove.
âGo ahead for Med.â April said.
âApril. Y/n is having a bad asthma attack. Cyanotic, high pulse, O2 is low to mid 80s. Rescue inhaler administered and not helping. ETA 5 minutes. â Jay reported, glancing over at you as you shook. âShhh. I gotcha partner. Iâm gonna get you help.â
âWe will be waiting at the door. Med out.â April said.
Jay put his radio back on the dash before reaching out to take one of your shaking hands in his own. âAlmost there. You are doing great.â Jay encouraged, trying to hide his worry.
Tag list:
@treehouse-mouse
@shadowmeadowsworld
@sorry-i-spaced
@zephyrmonkey
@allisonargent144
@amie134
@lane-rodgers-barnes
@pensfan5871
@dumb-fawkin-bitch
@marvel-and-chicago-fan
@daggersquadphantom
#one chicago#one chicago x reader#jay halstead#fluff#comfort#jay halstead x reader#kim burgess#hank voight#kevin atwater#adam ruzek#asthma attack#platonic
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I added my main muses to my pinned post and it should be mobile-friendly :) I am currently working on replies. Feel free to message me.
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kiss it better?
a/n: hi hi hi! this is my very first fic, Iâve never written anything before so weâll see how this goes. please be nice, tell me if you hate it xx ! also I got fed up with autocorrect changing y/n to yen so I just gave her a name đ
ââââââââââââââââââ
summary: Being an art student, Amaraâs life gets so stressful around finals week. When everything starts to go downhill, Chris is there to fight with her, and maybe even kiss it better afterwards.
warnings: swearing, angst (happy ending), kissing, not really anything else except for female rage lmfao, no use of y/n
word count: 1.7k-ish
Not proofread đ€
lots of love ~ Rivvie
What better way to start your day off than with a whole lot of chaos. Amara was jolted awake by the alarm clockâs incessant beeping slicing through her and Chrisâs quiet room. Sitting up, her face paled as she saw the time, seeing that she slept through her morning lecture. Panic surged through her, immediately throwing the covers off and shooting up out of bed (much to Chrisâs very audible disappointment). She grabbed random pieces of her closet off the floor in a frantic rush, barely managing to get out the door fully clothed with a âByeloveyousomuchpleasecleanthehouse!â. (She forgot her glasses, then her phone, then her bag, making her run back to their room 3 more times.)
Shouting her final goodbye to Chris, she could feel her phone all but explode in her pocket. She was too disoriented to focus on the messages, so she ignored it, figuring it was just a random group chat. She sprinted through the commons, finally checking her phone after deciding she didnât care enough to make it to the lecture hall.
lindsey manager (đ«„)
sarah no-showed. need you to fill in today asap.
???
amara hello
Of-fucking-course, Amara thought to herself. With a huff, she turned on her heel, making her way to the campus coffee shop. I donât even have my work clothes, God hates me.
At work, the hours dragged by as she endured her managerâs endless complaints. âYouâre late, Amara, hurry up.â, âWhere the hell is your uniform?â, âNo, youâre not doing it right-â
The poor girl was on edge, to say the least. Her late start didnât help, either, as she didnât have any time to grab food from their dorm. She was barely able to handle her hunger as she worked through her shift, her empty stomach cramping by the time her shift was done. She clocked out, silently cursing Lindsey, the shop, and every customer who walked in during her shift.
As exhausted as she was, she called her professor as she was walking out, booking the ceramics room for a few hours. Finals were quickly approaching, and her clay tea set was only partially finished. She headed to the studio, hoping to make at least a little progress on her project and make up for lost time.
Her day only continued to spiral. Sheâd been in the studio for all but 20 minutes before she wanted to destroy the Earth entirely. As she was leaving the kiln room, tray full of breakables in hand, the door next to her flung open, slamming into her. Not only did it: A) Slam her glasses into the bridge if her nose, cutting her face, but it B) sent her entire tea set to the ground, shattering into thousands of tiny clay shards. Amaraâs world collapsed in that moment. Tears streamed down her face as she stared at the wreckage, unable to muster the strength to pick up the fragments. With a choked sob, she grabbed her bag and fled the studio, feeling the weight of her disastrous day press down on her.
Stumbling into her apartment, she hoped for just a semblance of order. But the sight of the messy living roomâpizza boxes, crumpled papers, clothes everywhereâmade her heart sink even lower. She dropped her bag and collapsed to her knees, her body shaking with a mix of exhaustion and frustration.
âA-are you kidding me?â Amaraâs voice cracked as she shouted, her frustration pouring out uncontrollably. âIâve had the worst day- oh god⊠I missed my lecture, got screamed at at work, my project is destroyed, and now this mess? I canât do this-â
Chris, complete with an Xbox controller and a headset, emerged from their room with wide eyes. He froze, his mouth slightly open in surprise as he took in his girlfriendâs state. âBaby, woah, whatâs going on?â He set the controller aside and stood next to Amara, honestly a little confused. âWhy the meltdown?â
Wrong choice of words, clearly, as her red, tear-filled eyes snapped to his, going wide.
âWhy the meltdown?â Amara exploded, her voice rising in volume as she began to frantically clean up the mess. âBecause today has been a fucking wreck! I asked you to pick up a little, just a little, Chris! A-and you couldnât even manage that! I come home to- to this after the worst day of my life, and youâre just sitting here playing games!â
Chris blinked, taken aback by her outburst. âMar, calm down. Itâs not that big of a deal. I was going to clean up, but I got sidetracked. Itâs not likeââ he bends down to pull Amara off the floor, but retracts when she spits out her response.
âItâs not like what?â she snapped, angry tears streaming down her face. âItâs not like it matters to you? You think I can just handle everything on my own while you sit at home and do nothing? Iâm at my breaking point, and all I wanted was the trash off the floor!â
Chrisâs eyes widened, his initial nonchalance giving way to frustration. âHey, I didnât make your day go bad. I get that youâre upset, but yelling at me isnât going to fix anything. Iâm just trying to understand here!â
Amaraâs anger reached its peak. She stood up, maniacally grabbing all of the dirty cups and pieces of trash, stomping to the kitchen to deal with it. âYou think Iâm yelling just for fun? You have no idea what my day was like! Iâve been on the edge all day, and instead of coming home to something decent, our house is a disaster and you donât even seem to care!â Throwing her now empty hands up, she lets out a choked cry, pushing past Chris to enter their bedroom.
After seeing Amara sobbing and slamming the door to their room, Chrisâs demeanor shifted dramatically. He stood in the living room, the weight of her words sinking in. With a deep sigh, he started cleaning up the mess with a quiet guilt, his movements deliberate and focused. He managed to tidy up the living room, stopping to order Amaraâs favorite takeout. He grabbed the blankets from the closet, setting up the couch and scrolling Amazon Prime for a movie to rent. (He eventually settled on Barbie Princess Charm School, figuring it would appease Amara.)
Around 30 minutes later, when Amara emerged from the room, she was met with a surprisingly clean space and the comforting aroma of her favorite food. Chris looked up from arranging the food on the coffee table, his face softening as he saw her. âLook, sweetheart, Iâm really sorry. I didnât realize the house was this bad,â he said, his tone earnest. âI thought I could fix it.â
Amaraâs anger dissipated as she took in the scene. âChris, Iââ she started, her voice wobbling with her bottom lip. âI didnât mean to lash out like that. I was just... overwhelmed.â
Chris walked over and pulled her into his chest, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. âI get it now. Iâm sorry you had such an awful day, Ma.â She shrugged, pressing a kiss to his chest.
Spontaneously-DoorDashed desert arrived around ten minutes later, to which Amara all but inhaled while she focused on the movie in front of her. After almost dosing off for the third time, Chris paused the movie, brushing hair out of Amaraâs exhausted face.
âTime for bed, baby. Letâs get you cleaned up, huh?â Chris said, pulling a whiny Amara up from the couch, leading her to their room.
He first took care of the little cut on her nose, placing a small kiss over it when he was done. After she was undressed and her hair was brushed, he helped her into the shower, his touch gentle as he guided her through the calming process. While she was in the shower, Chris busied himself tidying up the rest of the apartment, clearing up their dinner and putting up the clean dishes in the kitchen.
When Amara emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a towel, refreshed and feeling a bit more centered, she found Chris remaking their bed, having switched out their sheets for clean ones. The room was now a haven of comfort, with soft lighting and the faint sound of the unpaused Barbie movie playing in the background. The big lights were off, the room illuminated by the soft string lights on the wall.
âGod, Chris,â Amara said, her voice filled with appreciation. âThis looks amazing. Thank you for cleaning, baby. Iâm sorry I yelled at you over itâŠâ she pouted slightly.
Chris smiled softly. âI know I messed up, and Iâm sorry for being kinda useless. I figured this might help some more.â
He reached out and grabbed her in a bear hug, resting his chin on her head. âItâs okay, sweetheart. We all have rough days, and I should have been more understanding. Iâm just glad we can talk things out and make them better.â He pulled back to kiss between her eyebrows, the tip of her nose, and a soft peck on her lips, smoothing her hair down with his hands.
He helped her get dressed, slipping a sleep shirt over her head and sliding her underwear and shorts up her legs, kissing her knee with a grin. Amara appreciated his efforts, feeling the weight of her stress lift with each passing moment.
After a few minutes, and a few yawns from both parties, Chris turned off the string lights and the tv, declaring it was bedtime. They climbed into their newly-made bed, snuggling up under the comforter. Chris wrapped his arms around Amara, pulling her close as she rested her head on his shoulder, feeling the warmth of his embrace and the comfort of being understood.
âI really do love you, you know,â Amara said softly, her sincere voice filling the dark room. âThank you for kissing it better, Chris.â
Chris kissed her forehead gently. âAlways, and I love you too, pretty girl. Iâll do better next time, pinky promise.â
As the sleepy mumbling played on, they remained in each otherâs arms, the earlier turmoil of the day replaced by a sense of peace and safety.
Finally settling into a comfortable silence, Amara felt her eyelids get heavy. She yawned, pressing into Chris who kissed her forehead with a hum. She relaxed into Chrisâs embrace, feeling like a precious stone in the hands of a jeweler. They drifted off, Chrisâs immediate snoring lulling Amara to sleep with a lovesick grin on her lips.
ââââââââââââââââââ
tags: @her-favorite (u the only one bb đ)
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