#lily davan

[lilydavan]

something more

just

are we just…?

if your lips stay glued to my cheek

if you wrap your tattooed arm around me

if you pull me close in the morning

are we just…?

if my jeans are crumpled on your floor

your hands in my hair

behind closed doors

are we still not something more?

if you hold my hand

down crowded streets

say there’s a poem to write about me

maybe three

if I bury my face in your neck for warmth

in the bar with star-shaped lighting

are we still not something more?

if we two-step in the cold

cigarette between our teeth

if you say you want to dance with me

if I give you my heart

kiss your cheek

read you a poem I wrote about we

are we just…?

if at night we are tightly pressed

close as we can get

if I brush your spine

trace the crescents

if you crave my presence

are we just…?

if we lace our fingers like holy roller believers

spend wintry mornings with coffee in our palms

if we

pen in hand

write down plans

with the future still to come

are we just…?

if we share kisses

rose

jasmine

bourbon and linen

if I tell you I want you

trace your lips with my fingertips

trace your spine

write in cursive

is there a name for what this is

or are we just…?

Lily Davan

[carryforthtradition]

A Walk Around Loch Kinord, Aberdeenshire

At the visitor centre we saw this Map showing the 2 lochs. We circled the lower one anti-clockwise and went to the waters edge of the other. 27C with a light cool breeze, here and there as we walked.

A willow warbler by some ruins on the west side, he has some downy feathers on his beak so could be a juvenile.

A small pond on the West side on a clearing, Parkin’s Moss with the heather and pine woods beyond. So quiet with the trees, heather and moss absorbing all sound but the call of the odd passing bird.

Surrounding hillside of heather and pine trees a usual haunt of Red Deer.

Heather and a moss-covered tree making up most of the ground cover on the West and South shores of the loch.

First unobstructed view of the loch with water lilies.

Water lilies opening in the morning light.

Water Lily

Blue Damselfly one of a hundred or so we saw along the South side path.

Gadwall duck mum and chicks.

Female Gadwall.

Loch Kinord from the South.

Loch Kinord from the South.

This amazing tree cracked and fell but continued to grow over the water. Wonder if it fell in the winter when the loch was frozen!

Goldeneye duck, not so sharp focus but as close as we could get.

Loch Kinord and floating carpet of water lillies from the South East.

Loch Kinord with interesting reflections from the South East.

Wooden footbridge over a trickling burn on the East path.

Birch and Willow Trees on the East side of the Loch.

Loch Kinord from the East.

Moorhen Chick walking on the lily pads.

Buzzard on a branch overlooking the East side of the loch.

Speckled Wood Butterfly, one of many types seen on the South and East sides of the loch.

Greylag Geese honking in the neighbouring field to the Northeast. They took of as we were so close, around 200 of them.

Greylag’s landing on the loch.

Towplane and Glider from the Deeside Glidine Club a few miles to the East of the loch.

Glider under tow.

Powered Glider.

Small island on the North East side.

Crannog story board indicating the previous small island was man made.

Lovely spot to wade in and cool the feet.

Castle Island story board, really gives a great impression of earlier times. Also yes, those are midgies on the board sunbathing in the 27C atmosphere.

Kinord Cross story board, called Celtic Cross on the visitor centre map though Christian in origin.

Kinord Cross, only etched on one side, leading to overexposure behind.

Life as it was there in earlier times, story board next to some ruins.

Young Pike in Loch Davan. Stepped out into the loch on a few large stones to get a panoramic photo when we saw this in the water below.

Great Crested Grebe on Loch Davan. Some distance away so not the sharpest focus.

Panoramic shot of Loch Davan.

Hoof Fungus North Side Loch Kinord.

Interesting info. board on the formation of the topography there, from the Ice Age.    

[callalily15-blog1]

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[lilydavan]

when you touch a poet

when you touch a poet

you should know

that you will find her

at midnight

with red wine staining her lips

ink smudges on her hands

on the floor with

crumpled pages of parchment

with lines about

the feel of your hands on her lips

as you put your fingers in her mouth

the trail of your tongue down her neck

you should know

she will never forget

when you touch a poet

you should know

that you will find her

in the daylight

with hard kombucha in her hands

while she sits in the dirt in the woods

typing furiously as if her fingers

were pens

with lines about

the darkening of your eyes

as you stare at her beneath you

dark like blood-stained roses

you should know

she’ll keep that moment frozen

when you make a poet fall for you

you should know

you’ll find her in your bed

with her gilded notebook out

black pen on the page

bleeding red

baring her soul on paper for you

words you’ve not yet read

with lines about the warmth in the dark

sparks in her heart

not yet burnt out

not yet spent

you should know

she’ll never forget

when you love a poet

you should know

you’ll find yourself

tucked within the pages

devoted more so

than when touch is all you did

she’ll write down

with a fountain pen

describe all the ways

you make her heart

golden

you should know

she’ll never forget

when she loves you back

you will find yourself

in the eternal folds

of a soul

that drips honey and blood

immortalizing you

like etchings on stone

like the gods’ decree

as sure as the buzz of the honeybee

when you touch a poet

you should know

that she’ll never

let it be

when you touch a poet

you should know

that you will find her

knee deep in her dreams

spitting prose

and planting roses

in hopes

for you and she

she will let her hands

smudged with ink

write lines about

the feel of your hands on her lips

as you put your fingers in her mouth

the darkening of your eyes

as you stare at her beneath you

dark like blood-stained roses

she’ll keep that moment frozen

lines about

the warmth in the dark

sparks in her heart

not yet burnt out

not yet spent

you should know

she’ll never forget

and if she puts you on parchment

you should know

that neither will you

you’re in every line

written

Lily Davan

[lilydavan]

i wanna be your girl

wake up wrapped in navy

outside

the ground is powdery

covered in white

a peaceful vision

i smother your bare skin

with kisses

trace your spine 
with all my secrets

I can’t get them through my lips

but I’ll write you a poem

on your skin

filled with jasmine and roses

and bourbon and wishes

hope you can read between the lines

or maybe I’ll make it simple for you

tell you I wanna be your girl

do you want me to?

or will you look up at the moon

tell her you met someone

tell her you like the way she makes you feel

but you don’t want to love her for real

wake up wrapped in navy

outside

ground frozen

but earth-toned again

will you smother my bare skin

with kisses

trace my spine

with all your secrets

if you can’t get them through your lips?

will you write me a poem

on my skin

filled with jasmine and roses

and bourbon and wishes

hope I can read between the lines

or will you make it simple for me

tell me you want to be my man

kiss my cheek and hold my hands

or will you look up at the moon

tell her you met someone

tell her you like the way she makes you feel

but you don’t want to love her for real

you’d rather let it all sink

into the sand

you’re too scared

you couldn’t kiss her cheek

and hold her hands

you’re too afraid to be her man

Lily Davan

[lilydavan]

#35mm shots that remind me of you

- to my lover

[lilydavan]

i care for you still and i will forever

frank ocean, ‘white ferrari’

[lilydavan]

If I keep telling myself I’m alright

Say “it is what it is”, I’ll be fine

Then maybe one day it will be true

After ten thousand mornings without you

- excerpt from a song I wrote in June 2020

Lily Davan

[lilydavan]

It’s not that I don’t miss you.

I do.

I miss what we had so badly sometimes I can’t bear it. I see old photos of us and my heart breaks. My heart aches for what we used to have together. I wish we could be that again. You’re still the love of my life. And there isn’t often a moment where I don’t wish you were there with me.

But... something’s also changed.

I’ve learned how to live without you. I’ve learned to be familiar with your absence. It doesn’t affect me quite as harshly anymore, although I still notice it. I still think about you. I still wonder how you are. But honestly I’d prefer not to know. I’m still not ready to see you move on with your life without me in it. I don’t wanna know what you look like when you’re not in love with me.

I miss you, but this is how it is now. And I’m finally learning to be okay with it.

- words I want to say to you but I can’t

Lily Davan

[lilydavan]

You would think I’d have stopped writing to you by now, considering we’ve been apart for almost a year. June 3rd. That’s a year. A year since you left me. A year since you told me you didn’t love me anymore. A year since you broke me down and left me stranded. And those memories don’t really bother me that much anymore, those words don’t really bother me that much anymore, except that they remain to be an emotional scar on my mind and heart that have caused me to fear the things I used to want most in this world - love, commitment, safety. What you did has scarred me for life, in a way that I wasn’t sure I would ever be scarred. But here I am, and there you are. 

It is May 27th, 2021. 6:01 PM. 

And suddenly, out of the blue, I have found someone absolutely spectacular. Someone who is everything I have ever wanted. The kind of boy I had wished I could have, over and over and over again. Someone who loves the things I love, who makes me laugh harder than I have ever laughed, someone who has deep, intellectual conversations with me at three in the morning when we are drunk out of our minds. And the connection I have with him is unlike anything I think I have ever felt. With you, I felt like I was home, you were my home. But with him, I am always on my toes - I never know what comes next. When I am with him, I feel like I am both home and away, all at once, which is a feeling I don’t think I have ever experienced. Not even with you. When I look at him, I see the possibility of a fantasy coming to life. I see passion, and adventure, and even a little danger. I see the girl that I want to be... that I have always wanted to be. And I am so excited to see her come to life.

And he is beautiful... he is so beautiful, inside and out. And I don’t love him, not yet. But I could - I could love him so easily it scares me. If only I just let myself fall... if only...

And that’s where you come in. 

Do you think I don’t miss you? Don’t miss your voice, or your laugh, or your sh*tty blue Honda Civic, or your mom, or your sister? Do you think I don’t miss taking shots of Jameson in your kitchen at 1 in the morning, or sitting out on the porch swing while you smoked a bowl? Do you think I don’t miss that? Do you think I don’t miss waking up in your bedroom every morning, and rolling over to smother you with kisses? Do you think I don’t miss that? Don’t miss everything we had? Do you think I don’t miss coming home to you? 

Because I do. Still, to this day. But, I am not that girl anymore, and I haven’t been for a very long time now. And sometimes I think about if I would take you back if you wanted to come back. Yea, I miss you. Yea, I miss us. I miss who we used to be. But, those people we were back then... we aren’t those people anymore. So, how would we even go back to that, if we aren’t the same? The answer is we don’t. There was a time it would have absolutely killed me to think about that. To think about the possibility that you and I might never come back to each other again. To think about something I truly loved so much, coming to an end. But, now I am here. And I still love you. I do. I love you so much still. But... I wouldn’t want you back. And I think that for the rest of my life I will think about you and miss who we were when we were just kids in love with no regard for the consequences we would bring upon ourselves. I think I will always miss you, bub. But, this is a part of growing up. 

We love, and we lose, and we continue to love from afar. We love, even if we know there isn’t a spot for that love in our lives anymore. And it could have been you... but there’s no sense in thinking about that now. Not anymore. Not when you left. Not when you didn’t choose me. A future broken before it could really begin. A lesson learned for each of us. A piece in our hearts gone, you have mine and I have yours. But, we were just kids, how were we supposed to know how to love each other? How were we to truly know of love and commitment, how were we to be ready for that? The answer is we weren’t. We still aren’t. 

So, here I am. And there you are. Wherever that may be. Honestly, I don’t want to know. But, I wish you all the best. Maybe one day we can be friends again, when the thought of all that love we used to have for each other seems insignificant in the face of all that we are by then. I miss you. I do. And I hope you miss me too, even if we’re okay without each other now. 

- words I want to say to you but I can’t

Lily Davan 

[lilydavan]

I don’t feel the same way towards you that I did for the longest time. Of course I still love you, in a way. But, I think I’ve fallen out of love with you. I miss what we had before, I miss our friendship and our laughs and our play fighting and even our arguments.

But I look at myself in the mirror and I see someone that wouldn��t look right standing next to you. She’s older, she’s more broken, her mind is more set in stone. She has goals and aspirations. She has places she wants to go. Our paths have divided, and I am who I always have been now. 

When I was with you, I lost myself in a way. I was beyond happy, but... I depended on you too much. I lost my way, I wasn’t myself anymore. I was wild before I met you, I was free. When I was with you, I became caged. Not in a way that was bad, don’t think that. I loved you more than I loved myself. And what we had was beautiful. But, I lost sight of who I wanted to be in life. I centered myself around you and who you were.

I realize now, five months after you left me, that I don’t want to be her. I don’t want to lose myself in someone else. I want to be me. I want to do what I want when I want to do it. I want to listen to the music I want to listen to, and I want to read my books. I want to travel to whatever city I want to, and move to whatever new place I want to move to. I want to go to school where I want, and I want to wake up in the morning and not be concerned about anybody else except myself.

I will always think of what we had and smile. Sometimes it makes me sad, like right now, as I write this, I have tears in my eyes. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I can say that with certainty. I loved you so much. That much I know. And I do still love you very much. But I have to come to terms with the fact that we just aren’t right for each other, at least not now. Maybe one day life will bring us together again, and we will fit perfectly. Maybe.

But right now, I just want to be myself. I want to be alone. And I want to learn how to love my company and never beg for someone to stay ever again. I want to learn to love my solitude. I am proud of myself for getting to this point. For learning how to be okay with the losing of love. 

And if you ever read this, just know that no matter what it says up there, I still would love to hear from you. Please don’t let such a message discourage you from asking me how I’m doing. Because regardless of what has happened, and how I seem to feel now, I still think of you every single day, and every day I wonder if today is going to be the day that you come back. 

- words I want to say to you but I can’t 

Lily Davan 

11/6/2020

[lilydavan]

I still defend your name. I still defend you when someone says anything bad about you. I don’t hate you. I never did. I never could.

- words I want to say to you but I can’t

Lily Davan

[lilydavan]

He noticed things about me that I never knew people noticed.

He noticed how my face lit up when I got excited about something, so much so that he always knew when I was happy.

He noticed how I loved to pretend I was the main character in an indie film, so much so that he created a playlist called “Soundtrack to my life (I’m the main character)”.

He sees all these little things in me that I didn’t even know existed. Things that I never knew people noticed. Things that I didn’t think people cared enough about to notice.

Nobody has ever paid such attention to me. So yea, I’m not going to lie, I kind of started to fall for him. Started to become attuned to him in the way that he was to me.

I started to notice him , too. And now he doesn’t notice me at all. Not anymore. He walked away.

And I’m still here.

Lily Davan

[lilydavan]

Everybody told me that I’d move on if I just gave it time. But all I can do is still sit here and miss you, day after day, even though it’s been 9 months since you said goodbye to me.

And I’ve learned how to live my life without you in it. And thinking of you or talking about you doesn’t make me as weighed down with sadness as it once did. I can reminisce on our memories and laugh. And I can say your name out loud. I can do all these things. But what I can’t do is move on from you completely. I don’t think I ever will.

There is not a single day where you do not cross my mind. Without a doubt. And there is not a single day where I don’t think of you and miss you being here with me. It’s pathetic isn’t it? That even after all this time and all that pain, I’m still missing you. That even after you said goodbye and told me you didn’t love me, I’m still missing what we used to be.

- words I want to say to you but I can’t

Lily Davan

[lilydavan]

Still miss you.

- words I want to say to you but I can’t

Lily Davan

[lilydavan]

I hate dreaming of you. But at the same time I love it. In dreams, I can be with you again, can almost hear your voice and see you smile and wrap my arms around you and breathe you in. But then I wake, and you are not there. You haven’t been for months. I’ve never heard silence quite this loud. In dreams, it is the closest I will get to you. I can almost pretend that you are still here. Almost. I hate that word. Almost.

We almost loved each other enough. You almost stayed. We almost prevailed. Almost. Such a sad word. We almost made it work. Almost.

And I have gone through days, weeks, months where you were the only thing on my mind. And I have gone through days where you didn’t haunt me quite as much as before. Some days I feel like I could be crushed with the weight of missing you. Some days I accept that you weren’t enough for me, and I feel as if I can move on. I have spent my days missing you and moving on with equal measure. Some days I feel as if I can take on the world and run and be free and eventually find someone who is more like me, who understands what it’s like to be a free spirited dreamer, and wants to be one too. But then there are days like today, and like yesterday, where I don’t care. I don’t care if we were on different paths, I just want you back, because even still, my heart beats for you. And I’m starting to really think that it always will.

And I know I shouldn’t miss you, and I shouldn’t want you back. I think it’s just that sometimes, life gets a little too hard, and I just want you to wrap your arms around me and tell me “it’ll be okay, baby” and I will relax into your arms and breathe in the scent of your shirt and feel a little bit safer.

But I wish I didn’t miss you. Because I know you don’t miss me.

- words I want to say to you but I can’t

Lily Davan