#lilla gets mad

[pointy-spiral]

Hello! I hope you still take requests, if not I'm so sorry to brother you!!!

Anyways! I would love to see more of your yuusona, I think they are so cute 🥰.

And please tell us more about them :D

JKDLSJIIOAUEIOWUIOJKFLDJKFDL THANK YOUU!! :') not a bother at all!! This is such cute and sweet request!! u lil cutiee!!

i haven't really thought out much about her yet, and shes not really based on any specific Disney character, but i have some fun facts about her-

Her shirt is the same style as Epel's, because its a spare pomefiore shirt that Rook gave her during her first week at school. She's really scared of him though. Her first encounter with him was him commenting on her messy uniform, (since i doubt that Crowley would do much more than just grab whatever's in the lost and found basket for Yuu and call it a day) Rook basically drags her to Pomefiore to play dress up while she tries desperately to find some excuse to leave jkhfdfdshhsd

She wishes she could have just kept the job as a janitor instead of being a student at first (but she comes to like school starting the second year) since she enjoys cleaning and tidying and just going for walks, so being an errand runner for Crowley didnt seem too bad to her.

Because of this i wanted to make Floyds nickname for her "Vampire squiddy", since they feed on marine snow and are generally one of the "cleaners" of the deep sea. They live really deep in the sea, matching her gloominess and dislike for crowds and bright light. BUT THEN I REALIZE THAT LILLA CALLED DIBS ON BEING VAMPIRE SQUID so now i don't know anymore... i guess shrimpy still works..

Ever since accidentally stepping on Leonas tail she's been avoiding him like the plague. She thinks he's still mad at her, and nearly cries anytime she sees him dshdhdhdfhj she thinks he's super scary

The skirt she actually sewed by hand herself , using a spare curtain from Ramshackle as fabric.

Back in her "home world" she used to collect and make her own jewelry, the one she wears is one of them. She makes friendship bracelets for her friends of course.

She's good friends with Ortho, and they are desk neighbors. He's tried multiple times to invite her over for game night but she's too scared to hang out with Idia around. But her an Ortho hang out and study together a lot :) he's the designated extrovert friend

She became friends with Jade by being forced to wanting to join the Mountain lovers club. Its actually pretty good, since its a long walk and she can forage for stuff to eat so she can save more money (Crowley pays us in a handfull of pebbles and a pat on the back i swear to god) He's the social anxiety shield and talks for her sometimes.

She still kind of works as a janitor, and she stays after school hours to clean. And uses her job as an excuse to stay away from people, too much to clean!! so many floors to mop!! no i cannot come to ur party Kalim i am so so sorry!! would love too but i have to deep clean the school, by myself, all alone!! tomorrow as well! and the day after!! fdhdfshdshj

Has absolutely bonked Ace in the head with her broom!! he deserves it

Azul tries at some point to get her to be a janitor at Mostro lounge but she runs away from him mid conversation

Secretly very insecure about her height, thinking shes too tall for a lady, plus it just makes her stick out more as well

(actually as im writing this i realize she could be based on Cinderella in a way!!! with the whole evil stepmom (crowley) making you do a bunch of shitty work. im getting ideas.. >:) teehee gonna redraw the ball dance and glass slipper scene with her and someone maybe mwehehehehe)

[adorablebanite]

shuffle your favorite playlist and post the first five songs that come up. then copy/paste this ask to your favorite mutuals <3

*ahem* may Lilia and his grace be so kind as to grace us with their picks?? Their fans are dying to know ^^

Aww yayy! I love getting asks, thank you!! I should ask people more things more often too, but for some reason get too shy?? (Doesn't make sense, but I'm working on that !) I made a playlist to get the "vibes" for my big dumb smut fic, so I thought it poignant to take them from there xD. The Mad Priest - Rock Nardin (Destri (Durge) vibes)

The Count - Audio Machine (Gorp vibes)

If I Had A Heart - Tal Barr (Destri Vibes)

The Next Day - Twisted Jukebox, Rolando Gori & Daniel T. Curran (Lilla Vibes)

Shadows (feat. Madalen Duke) (Lilla Vibes)

(Guess who they talkin' about)

[xx-alice-in-wonderland-xx]

charlie and the chocolate factory ticket winner headcannons!! (Apart from charlie)

(This is from the 2005 movie so their birthdays will be what age I think they were in 2005)

Augustus Gloop:

birthday: August 1st 1990

is German

has a younger sister called Andrea who is 6 years old

his father is a butcher and owns a butchers shop

Comes from a rich family but not as rich as verucas

he rarley eats vegetables

is babied by his mum

his mum does EVERYTHING for him - gets his clothes, cleans his room, wakes him up, gets him food, everything

hates listening to music

is very lazy

loves the colour red

Couldn’t sleep when he got the golden ticket - he was too excited to go to the factory

his mum is called gail and his dad is called otto

is so lazy he’s never hurt himself - yeah he’s grazed his knee as a kid and all that but he’s never sprained his ankle, stretched too hard or broke a bone

After the factory he was stained with chocolate so he has a slight tan now

when he found out Charlie won the factory he was so jealous and mad that he didn’t eat chocolate for a full 2 weeks

has a huge king sized bed

is homeschooled

Veruca Salt:

Birthday: November 2nd 1994

is British but has Swedish, Irish and Scottish heritage

goes on holiday 5 times a year

goes to a private school

teachers pet

only child

her father is in his 60s as her mother is in her late 20s

has seen the queen before

Can horse ride

has a massive bedroom, on-sweet bathroom, walk in closet, study room, eveything

everyone wants to be her friend at school

has a private doctor

her parents are called Ken and Maria

thinks her name is the best

has a pure gold necklace

has pure silver earrings

if she isn’t in the top set lesson at school she gets her dad to complain and move her up to the top set even if she’s dumb lol

was going to be named Kylie but her parents chose Veruca instead

has a personal hairstylist

claims she will never wear makeup when she’s older because she’s ‘perfect looking’

comes from a upper class family

after the factory her parents started saying no to her and she had a huge fit and smashed most things in the house - her parents went back to giving her anything she wants after that

loves the film ‘pretty woman’

never uses slang - always uses complicated words and instead of saying ‘yeah’ she’ll say ‘yes’

Violet Beauregarde:

Birthday - March 3rd 1992

Is American but has Italian heritage

Has a twin sister named Lilla

her parents are divorced - her sister lives with her dad, and she lives with her mom

her mum is a Karen lol

can box

is popular in school

even though she chews gum every single second of every single day she has perfect teeth - people think she has fake teeth

is allowed to swear

Loves nirvana

her mum is called Shona and her dad is called Liam

Is a pure blonde

Her mum tried flirting with mr Wonka to try and increase violets chances of winning

Thought she was gonna win

gets called blueberry girl at school after the factory

after the factory she tried to use makeup and other things to make her not blue but nothing worked

her whole closet is blue/purple

has a pet chinchilla called Gumball

loves the amazing world of gumball

Always has packs of gum on her

likes watching law and order

rarely sees her sister

her and her sister are identical

mike teavee:

Birthday: October 4th 1991

Is American but has Spanish and polish heritage

has 3 older brothers and 2 older sisters called Luca (29), Gary (30), David (22) , Sarah (27) and Tina (25),

his siblings are quite a bit older than him, the one that is the second youngest is 10 years older than him

his Parents had kids in their 20s, then had Mike quite late on

hes the baby of his family and RAGES when they baby him

has a niece who is the same age as him

has atleast one day off of school a week because he wants to play video games and if his parents try to get him to go to school he breaks things

once broke a window with a vase lol

his parents are called Norman and Clara

likes tomb raider, call of duty, watch dogs, hitman, James Bond, GTA, ect

loves heavy metal music

can do a metal scream and it terrifies his parents when he does it

his sleep schedule is he falls asleep at 4am and wakes up at 9am

Loves energy drinks

bites his fingernails when he’s nervous

hates people who call him micheal (his real name)

wants to be a twitch streamer lol

after the factory he found a way to shrink back to his regular size

when he got home from the factory and looked in the mirror he passed out because he thought he looked fresky

thinks Veruca is a brat but she’s pretty lol

has a very short attention span

likes race car driving

hates football

wishes he was born on halloween

has a whole bookshelf full of video games

[novaauster]

HELLOOOO LETS KILL OURSELVES OVER HERINES HARASAEON. evil of you to do this when im hungover i already almost teared up literally just seeing kiva have her own character tag. like those are my babies from my silly little head and people are creating beautiful things for them!!!! insanity. let's go:

"I just needed a plot device in order to make that boy talk about his feelings bc he only does it if he's homicidal or inebriated" another horrible day fighting the hella-rin allegations

"She never touches his skin, only his scalp, only when doing his hair." fuck the hangover i need a DRINKKK

ama. my best worldbuilding addition by far but also my mortal enemy

"Rin wants to venture into the realm of the gods, find which one is responsible for time, and hold a knife to its throat. He’d force it to turn back the hourglass and eat his words. He’d get on his knees before it and tell it that time itself, and every word spoken, and every word unspoken, must bend to the queen." this whole thing is quite literally some of my favourite writing of all time this is insane this is tattooed onto every inch of my skin i preach this from street corners i spray paint it on buses i-

THE WITCH HAS SHORT HAIR? INTERESTING

they're all so formal lmaoooo. down with monarchy but my harasaeons are okay ig

DRAKO AND AKILA MENTIONED IN A FIC INCIDENT 2 DEAD ONE STILL WRITING LETTERS

"He was born as an apology and he lives the life of a paragon. He likes to be responsible." nova your days are numbered. when i catch you

YOU EQUATED KIVA'S INFLUENCE ON THE PROCEDURE TO SUNLIGHT WHAT IF I KILLED MYSELF. AND ALL THE LANGUAGE REGARDING SHADOW/DARKNESS WITH RIN. MY LAST STRAW

"Her hand brushes a strand of hair back behind his ear, and he hears, more than feels, the kiss to the top of his head. “I’ll be right outside, baby-- baby.”" worst day of my fuckass life

KIVA OBEYS. I CANT DO THIS

clean clay is such a fun addition i love that. also love how official you made the practise of witchcraft bc that's EXACTLY what i want from it like it's literally like talking to any other medical professional

"He spends his time in the sunlight of the library, Kidaro napping on the windowsill, with political treatises, historical scrolls, and the occasional epic poem spread out around him like a hurricane, a method to its madness. He enjoys it. He was always a child with his head in the clouds. He does miss music, though. The palace can get quiet" MY BABY MY BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

RIN IS THE OBEDIENT ONE. KIVA OBEYS. DOG MOTIF HARASAEON IS THE BULLET IN THE GUN IM HOLDING

HELPPPPPP MARY IS KINDA GAGGING HIM HERE LMFAO I LOVE HER

HE TOLD HER ABOUT LILLA????? KING PUT THE VODKA DOWNNNNNNNNNN

"Royal blood, good for nothing but animal feed." NOVA. WHEN. I. CATCH. YOU

AND HE CANNOT ASK DRAKO. THEY'RE BROTHERS THEY'RE MAATUI BUT EVEN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS WILLEM IS SOMETHING THEY CANT MAKE PEACE WITH

'would you still love me if I was a worm?' caught me SOO OFF GUARD IM CACKLING I CANT BELIEVE YOU ADDED THAT

"Rin had created a ten-step plan for the event that one of them met the same fate." HES SUCH A NERD I WOULD KILL FOR HIM

memory so bad i actually checked my kuserian dictionary bc i was like 'oooo ghost being translated to death-shadow is cool why dont i remember that' girl....

HAMMARIIIIIIIII. the way even her name made my stomach flip. what if i cried

got too immersed in the procedure and forgot to live react oops

"he would do anything if it meant he was doing it right" "It’s just that a firstborn is a war. A firstborn is a hurricane with a thousand buzzing wings. It is an omen seared into the back of all their necks, it is once-in-a-generation, it is a gift from the gods. And Rin is not one."

DID YOU. DID YO UFCKNING PUT EPIC OF GILGAMESH IN THIS. DIIIIID YOU FUCKING DO THAHFT. HOW LONG IS THE EYE ABLE TO LOOK AT THE SUN FROM THE VERY BEGINNING NOTHING AT ALL HAS LASTED HE'S BEEN DEAD SINCE THE BEGINNING IN THE STORY OF GODS AND KINGS YOU WERE DEAD BEFORE THE INK DRIED

drako's first thought only being to ask 'will you be okay'. frankly i cant take much more. is this how you guys feel when i talk about them because this is AWFUL

"There were myths, in the burnt edges of the kingdom, that said that there were only ever two Harasaeons. The queen and the heiress, switching places in a cycle like night and day. Hammari and Kiva, two stages of the same life, the snake’s egg and the hummingbird. And then, their reincarnations, Lugalia and-- who? The queen is dead. Long live the queen. It is a form of immortality. Rin shattered it." STOP STOP MAKE IT STOP

the philisophical conversation. is love a form of magic. the chasm of his birth. im going to GET YOU

"Please, Ama. You don’t have to love me anymore. Just remember how it felt when you did." THROWING UP BLOOD

that was. im a changed person i need 3-5 business days to think about this i need to call my mum i need to get drunk i need a fantasy witch to cut my tits off

omg hi!!! so true herines harasaeon group suicide girls night <3 and kiva has made her ao3 debut! she's girlbossing she's literally a debutante she is the queen of all time. yeah

-the witch does have short hair! she's from the east (where the monsters are) and yknow I figure that her powers are used for medicine, but if she didn't have all the safety things put in place (no sunlight, careful runes and careful chants) and just went hogwild on a monster she could basically Shigaraki that thing. monster hunting is her side hustle tbh

-the formal speech was fun for me idk. watched too much BBC Victoria with my mom and now I gasp like a gossiping old lady when I write the phrase "You have my permission to withdraw" bc it's SUCH a power-play it's so good.

-my days might be numbered but so are Rin's

-sunlight and shadow motif with nuance is always sm fun. me when characters are bright and carcinogenic. me when characters are invisible, shadows dogging their own steps, silent and beaten-down and elegant all the same. yeah

-“I’ll be right outside, baby-- baby.”" worst day of my fuckass life too tbh, that's the line that really clicked the whole fic in place for me. kiva loves him but not enough to change him. baby boy good luck taking care of yourself. etc

-dog motif harasaeons you will always be famous

-clean clay and also the oldest sigils Mary paints on Rin are cuneiform if that wasn't clear. mesopotamian aesthetic goes hard

-Mary DOES kinda gag Rin lmao. she's literally so Kanut-coded I can't stand her. she's like 'i won't throw hands with a child but i will permanently invert his worldview with some moderately harsh words and also disrespect the queen if it means showing him that there's someone who supports his evolution wholeheartedly'

-he cannot ask drako!!! grief is something the harasaeons can't stand i think. kiva ignores rin like an open would because she grieves him and lilla. willem is given the same treatment

-"would you still love me if i was a worm" is a tonal shift I wasn't sure about but I think it works. something about siblings defaulting to poking fun at each other when they can't stand the truth. their love must go either unspoken or mocked. they can only survive it with a little humor and a little grace

-rin is the nerd of all time and i love him for it

-i'm gonna be so real death-shadow meaning ghost is something i stole wholesale from Mando'a. like the language for star wars mandalorians. but yknow what the concept fucks hard and george lucas doesn't own the literal mistranslations of his peripheral conlangs

-"It’s just that a firstborn is a war." harasaeons when they have to decide between an insane warmongering eldest daughter and literally anyone else

-yes i did put the epic of gilgamesh in there. yes i was browsing Amazon Goodreads for good quotes in the middle of my economics class. dw about it

-drako asking 'will you be okay' IS how we feel when you drop the saddest lore of all time on us unprompted, yeah x

-Lugalia and-- who? The queen is dead. Long live the queen. It is a form of immortality. Rin shattered it." me when Rin ending the cycle could have been construed as a positive ending to the cycle of generational trauma and violence but instead it is a betrayal to his heritage

-"is love a form of magic" is also one of the central lines of the piece. i wanted to show the deep childlike core of Rin's pain. Tell me a story about how it ends where you're still the good guy I'll make pretend cause I hate this story where happiness ends and dies with you I thought good guys get to be happy I'm not happy. etc. you know how it is

tysm!!!!

[noloveforned]

start your weekend off tonight with four hours of no love for ned on wlur from 8pm until midnight. for those with busy schedules, you can catch up with last week's show on mixcloud whenever you get a chance!

no love for ned on wlur – march 15th, 2024 from 8-10pm

artist // track // album // label vampire weekend // oxford comma // vampire weekend // xl vanishing twin // life drummer // life drummer 7" // sub pop horsebeach // let me stay in tonight // things to keep alive // re:warm torrey // slow blues // torrey // slumberland charlène darling // disparais // la porte // disciples klapper // inner drive // high for no reason // mangel the vovos // ernie // lilla gubben // blossom rot three body problem // thinner skin // the dark edge of the dancefloor // twice as high superette // touch me // tiger // flying nun new radiant storm king // founder's day // singular, no article // rainbow quartz the burning hell // no peace // garbage island // you've changed the cakekitchen // everything's going to work out just fine // everything's going to work out just fine // freek caleb daily // if i could only fly // live at trafo in jenna, germany on december 7th, 2022 // moone erika angell // one // the obsession with her voice // constellation kim gordon // tree house // the collective // matador dave harrington, max jaffe and patrick shiroishi // dance of the white shadow and golden kite // speak, moment // arthur king presents gary peacock // flower crystals // december poems // ecm paul weiner quartet // spirale // spirale // mad about neue grafik featuring brother portrait // black // transmissions from total refreshment centre compilation // blue note billy woods and blockhead featuring aesop rock and homeboy sandman // wonderful // known unknowns // backwoodz studioz yungmorpheus // revenge // states of precarity // de rap winkel maxo featuring sharp // appletree // smile // love turl liv.e // on my mind // f.r.a.n.k. // street corner music home boy and the c.o.l. // i saw you dancing // out break // tidal waves looper // up a tree again // up a tree // mute hairband // paris // two two seven compilation // prefect richard hamilton // yellow datsun car // yellow datsun car 7" // feral kid melenas // 1986 // ahora // trouble in mind patio // performance // collection // fire talk the parallelograms // papageno // dream on daisy 7” // cloudberry

[qveenofthefullmoon]

So a former friend of mine who lives in Hungary was a 'death's rights activist' and would always say, "Oh, this year is my last year" or "I will die before my 30th birthday" (she's 34) and would talk about her 'exit party' for yeearrrrrsss. I broke the friendship around 2011/2012 because she was a very toxic person and would get mad when someone would try to talk her out of her suicidal ways. Well, it turns out she might have actually done it. Another friend looked at her profile and her 'death day' was 9/17. And she hasn't posted since 9/17 which was very unlike her. Anyway, Lilla, if you're gone, RIP. I hope you find the happiness that you could not find on Earth.

[pearlsongfromstuff]

Hi its the oc ask anon from before! The New God OCs look intriguing and im always a sucker for dnd!

I watch Kyo's stuff too so all of that is really interesting as well, but the New God thing is drawing me in. If you want to talk about other ocs that's okay, but thats the one that has my interest atm

Have a good day pearl!

Thank you so much, Anon! I'ma nickname you Anny, Anny. So anyways, with just New God OCs (The name New God actually is name of my biggest AU that houses most of my main stories and my OCs. The name was inspired by the name Bad God but instead of a "Bad" God, there are "New" God's running the world. Fun little fact)

So with just these OCs alone we have 33 OCs, so I'ma give brief explanations for them

(Note: All the OCs with (*) are made by @chaoscorners-blog since we share these OCs but they were his original concepts)

(Also some other vocabulary you might need to know for this AU:

Minnrig- A fake Micronation near Ukraine and Romania where most of the stories take place. This place holds all the power in this universe

Red Eye Curse: Also called the 2p Disease or Madness Curse, the Red Eye Curse was a magical curse that plagued most of the 2p Universe. It drove people to madness by making them selfish, power-hungry and manipulative. It's also why the 2p Universe was known as the "Evil Side" while the 1p Universe was known as the "Good Side". It eventually disappeared 10 years as fast as it appeared)

Pearl and *Angel (He/they / He/They): The "New Gods". They run the universe and live in a castle near Minnrig. Though they may seem kind and thoughtful on the surface, they're actually not that good of people. I recommend not coming close to them.

Darling (She/Her): Adopted daughter of Pearl and Angel, she is known to have any magical powers. Not much is known about her since she rather hide in the Ancient Records within the castle

Star and Rose (He/Him, She/Her): Star and Rose are also adopted children of Pearl and Angel but unlike their older sister, they have magic. Star and Rose are probably more powerful than Pearl and Angel combined. Star is more adventurous and wants to learn about the magic in the world while Rose tries to live a more normal life, away from her godly heritage.

*Viktor and Sal (He/Him, They/Them) : Two 2ps that escaped to the 1p World, they live with Pearl and Angel as caretakers for Star and Rose. Star is the most attached to them, calling Sal "Mama" and Viktor "Dad".

Lewton (He/Him): The personification of Minnrig, Lewton is also the Detective of the town. He's also the husband of Bazarov (who we'll talk about if anyone asks about 2ps) and he's also responsible for the end of the Red Eye Curse.

*Zargon and Diablo (He/Him, She/Her): The Adopted children of Bazarov, sadly they were found around the time Bazarov had the Curse, they were taught since adoption to become soldier, and they're mainly representative of Heart (Zargon) and Mind (Diablo). Bazarov actually stole Diablo's heart for years, making her very heartless and making her a war criminal like her father while her brother always seemed to get the blame. After many years and while Lewton was working on saving the world, Zargon found Diablo's heart and they got the fuck out of there.

Deera (She/Her): The eldest sister of Zargon and Diablo, Deera kinda left her siblings for dead after the death of their birth parents. She instead headed to the Fantasy universe and kinda became a fucking villain in the stories, mainly manipulating anyone for whatever she wants.

Riley (She/Her): Another adopted child of Bazarov (He has a lot), She was raised while Zargon and Diablo were but sperate. She later on took over her father's place as General.

Abble (She/her): An (say it with me now) adopted child of Bazarov but with a twist: She's also Lewton's daughter. She actually has a nice upbringing unlike her other siblings because Bazarov was free of the curse when she was being raised. Her siblings are highly jealous of this.

Bean and Loki (He/Him, He/Him): Bean is a cat who radiated too much magic and can now turn human. Loki is a Mochi America but somehow, during hatching, gained more of a conscience than his other Mochi brethren. They're also married after many weird circumstances.

*Azreal (She/Her): To put it shortly, she's a bootleg Dr. Frankenstein. She has a never ending thirst for knowledge and uses such knowledge of other universes to bring people to life and to create life. And in one story, she kills Nevo......sooooooo-

*Mono (He/Him): During life, he was a simple manga artist with a wife and child but after horrible circumstances, he ends up dead at the hands of a gang. Azreal takes him and brings him back to life. Sadly, during the "bringing back to life" process, his soul is merged with a more evil soul, so now two personalities are contained in one body. Mono being the more awkward side and Parasite having absolutely no chill.

Pearl Song (Any Pronouns): Originally my very first cringy Marysue OC, we revamped her into being another of Azreal's projects. She has the power of the everything due to her past life and now uses that power in her current life to cause chaos with her favorite brother, Mono.

*Foalina and *Matthias (She/Her, He/Him): Another project by Azreal, they are two bunny twins that travel the world as performers. On stage, Foalina is seen as meak and weak while Matthias is more flirtatious and cunning. Off stage, they hate each other with a burning passion

*Caddy (She/They): Another project by Azreal, she is a mute traveler of the many universes. She is very excited soul that likes any good story.

*Shyane (She/Her): Azreal's first project, at first, Azreal saw her as a daughter and she saw Azreal as a mother but after time, their relationship became more strained and she became more of a servant than a daughter. She is very nurturing and caring.

*Demonic and *Ivan (She/Her, He/Him): Demonic is another project by Azreal which Azreal didn't just take a dead body and reanimate it, she actually created her. She was mainly used for experiments until she finally left. After many unfortunate events in her life, she gives birth to Ivan, her son. Ivan is the light of her life and just is an absolute sweetheart. We see more of them during Ages AU.

*Lilla (She/Her): A girl from the 1500's that left her home to become a Teutonic Knight so she didn't become a maid, after her entire crew is supposedly murdered and the enemy is after her, she starts working for a witch in the woods who eventually send her to the future to escape death sentence.

Amelia (Amy) (She/Her): Basically Amy Rose (from Sonic series) but she is an old interpretation I had of her in 2016 that she basically became my OC. Anyways, she also comes to our present and meets Lilla and after she helps her understand the world around her (which Amy sees as old technology), they actually fall in love and get married, yay!

Cosmo (She/Her): Daughter of Amy and Lilla

Amore (She/Her): Amy's past lover that basically gets in fights with Lilla a lot

Kaarlo (He/Him): Lilla's past lover that dies of hypothermia after looking for her in the snow. F in the chat

Berry, *Duke, Nicholas, and *Cole (Any Pronouns, He/Him, He/Him and He/They): Basically two femboys (Berry and Cole) and two hunks (Nicholas and Duke) in a Dream Scape

AND THERE ARE ALL MY ORIGINAL CHARCTERSSSSS. Damn that's a lot of typing for one phone. Anyways, I hope this entertained you guys! I will take any asks you have. I will also post some art of all of them later

[flowerfan2]

Love Is The Seventh Wave

McDanno, A03, 2400 words

Written for the H50 Writers Club Discord “Danny Deserves Better” challenge

“Are you serious?”  she says, and all eyes in the writer’s room turn towards her. “That’s just cruel.  And it makes no sense.”

 “It’s dramatic, Lola.”

 “Lilla,” she corrects, surprised that the douchebag even came close, given that he hasn’t spoken more than those three words to her since she started working for him a month ago. “Just hear me out.  What if instead of having totally out of character bathroom sex with Joanna....”

 *****

 Danny’s sipping idly at his drink when he notices the woman sitting nearby.  She’s pretty, her dark hair a contrast to her light silky blouse, and she’s about as out of place at this bar at ten o’clock in the morning as Danny is.

 She looks up at him, and Danny cracks a smile.  “You looking at me?”

 The woman shakes her head.  “The television’s behind you.  And I desperately need a distraction.”

 Same here, Danny thinks.  “Well, if you’d rather have a live distraction than whatever’s on the news, I’m happy to oblige.”

 The woman smiles and moves over to the seat next to him, bringing her coffee with her.  “At this point I’m willing to try anything.”

 “Buy you a drink?  Wine, beer, scotch on the rocks?”

 “Nah, I’m good.  Not quite desperate enough to drink the hard stuff before noon.”  She glances at Danny’s glass.

 “Club soda,” he admits, and she grins.

 “We’re practically twins.”  She sticks out her hand.  “I’m Joanna.”

 “Danny.”  Her hand is soft, but her grip is firm and doesn’t linger.  “It’s nice to meet you.  So, what do you want to talk about?”

 “Oh, anything but my love life.”

 A laugh bursts out of Danny. “Get right to the point, do you?”

 “No sense wasting time.  For all I know, you’re a reporter doing a story on bars that open before noon and you’ll have to dash off to the next one any minute now.”

 “No chance.  I’m a detective, actually.  But I’m taking a personal day.”

 She gives him an appraising look. “A cop?  But you seem so nice.”

 “Ha, ha, ha.  Very funny.”

 “So,” Joanna says, “why a personal day?”

 Danny takes a moment wondering how to answer this – he’s not really sure himself – when his phone rings. It’s Steve, of course, and the fact that hearing his voice makes his whole body light up just adds fuel to the giant dumpster fire that is his life.  He hangs up after a few minutes and turns back to Joanna.

 “Who was that?”

 “My partner.”

 Joanna looks at him appraisingly, and then nods.  “Yeah, I’ve got one of those.”

 “You’re a cop too?”

 She snorts.  “Um, no, that’s not what I meant.  I’m a lawyer, actually.”

 Danny’s confused.  “So you have, what, law partners?”

 Joanna takes a packet of sugar and adds it to the fresh coffee the bartender has set down in front of her. “You’re a little oblivious, aren’t you?”

 It’s said with such amusement that Danny isn’t mad, and he’s happy to play along.  “Oblivious about what?”

 Joanna sighs and takes a careful sip of her drink, then stirs it some more.  “You’re telling me that guy you just spoke to is your work partner?”

 “Yes, who else would he be?” Danny has his own answer for this, but it’s a fantasy he hasn’t entertained in, oh, at least an hour or so.

 Joanna shrugs noncommittally.

 They slip into a more or less comfortable silence, and Danny contemplates his club soda.  It’s just as boring as it was when he started it. He’s not even sure why he’s here, at a random bar on the north shore.  When he woke up this morning, knowing he had a day free to do anything he wanted, a day off from work and all of its headaches, the first thing he thought of was checking the weather report to see what the waves would be like – because surfing with Steve is one of his favorite things to do to de-stress.  But then he realized that Steve didn’t have the day off too, and it all seemed pointless.

 A day without obligations is hard to come by for a single working dad, and Danny knows in theory he should be enjoying it.  But he’s not.

 “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push.”

 Danny is drawn out of his thoughts by Joanna’s comment.  “No, you’re fine, it’s not you.”

 Joanna leans back a little and runs a hand through her hair.  “Want to know what I’m doing here?”

 Danny takes in her flattering outfit, her carefully done make-up.  “Waiting for a client meeting?”

 She laughs.  “Nope.  One with my partner.”

 “Your law partner,” Danny clarifies.

 Joanna laughs again.  “Yes.  Except that’s the problem.”

 “What’s the problem?”

 Joanna takes a deep breath.  “The truth is, I’d like it if my law partner were a little more than that.”

 Danny feels a rush of shame, and looks quickly around the bar – still empty, except for the bartender.  “Is this some kind of joke?”

 She reaches out and puts a hand on his arm.  “Relax. I’m really not pulling your chain. I’m telling the god’s honest truth.” She takes her hand back and swipes at her phone.  “Here, see? We go out for drinks every Thursday night, everyone in the office.  Thirsty Thursday kind of thing.  Last night went on a little longer than usual, since we just got some really good news on a case.”

 Joanna shows him a photograph of a tall, blond woman with her arm around Joanna, both of them in business suits and holding glasses of champagne.  Several other people are crowded around them.  All of them are making happy faces at the camera, except for Joanna, who has eyes only for the woman at her side.  

 “Oh,” says Danny.

 “Yeah,” says Joanna.  “And I’m pretty sure Jasper – he took the picture – sent it and about twenty other equally embarrassing ones to everyone who was there, including my partner.”

 “Is that good or bad?”  Danny asks.

 “I’m not sure.  But I’m going to find out.”

 “What do you mean?”

 Joanna taps her fingers on the bar, clearly a little nervous.  “Okay, you’re probably going to thing I’m nuts.  I went for my usual run this morning, through my neighborhood and down to the beach.  It’s the same route I’ve run hundreds of times, and there isn’t much beach there, just some scrubby trees by the water’s edge, but you know any bit of beach is beautiful here, so it’s all good.  And this morning, for the first time ever, I saw a honu on that little beach.

 “A turtle?”

 “Yeah.  I’ve never seen one there before, but today there was a honu right there, a really big one.”

 “Okay…”

 “Honu are a symbol of good luck, right? I’ve realized that if I don’t say something to my partner soon, I’m going to lose my mind, or have to quit my job, or both – and once I saw that honu, I knew I could tell her how I feel. I’m going to do it today.”

 “Wow,” Danny said, feeling buoyed by Joanna’s excitement.  “You really are?”

 “I really am.”  Joanna stands up from her chair and straightens her skirt. “I finally realized it’s too important to keep hiding from.  The way I feel about her… I think I love her, you know?  And I can’t believe I’m telling you all this, maybe it’s easier because I don’t know you…”

 “No, I get it,” Danny says, and he does.  Sitting in this random, sunny bar, with a woman he’s never met before, with no preconceived assumptions, no rules or requirements, Danny suddenly feels like he’s opening up, too.  

 “I just don’t want to let a chance for love pass me by, not any more,” Joanna continues.  “Not if we could really be something, and I think maybe we can. So I asked her to meet me at one of our favorite restaurants for lunch, in Haleiwa.  Away from the office, somewhere private… and I better go, I don’t want to be late.”

 “Of course not,” Danny says, standing too.

 Joanna regards him for a long moment, and Danny squirms a little.  “I think today is your lucky day, too,” Joanna says.

 “Why’s that?”

 “Because you met me,” Joanna says, grinning as she leaves.  Danny thinks she’s right.

 ****

Joanna’s excitement is infectious, and Danny feels himself standing a little straighter as he leaves the bar. Maybe her plan would work for him, too. He hasn’t wanted to say anything to Steve for all the obvious reasons – he doesn’t know if Steve feels the same way despite how close they are, he’s never heard Steve express any interest in men at all, and he doesn’t want to ruin their friendship.  But this constant pining is wearing away at him, and he isn’t getting any younger.  What if he waits another ten years and then it turns out Steve was up for something more after all – what a waste that would be.  Or what if he doesn’t have ten years to make up his mind – what if Steve’s conversation with Eddie’s veterinarian this morning turns into asking her out for a date, and they hit it off and live happily ever after?

 There are millions of ways that Danny can miss his chance with Steve, and only one way to find out if he’s still got one.

 Danny makes a few stops on his way back to Steve’s place.  He texts Tani a few times to keep tabs on the team and make sure he knows when Steve’s heading home.  He’s got a caprese salad drizzled with balsamic vinegar on the table and wine opened and breathing on the counter when he hears the front door open.

 Steve appears in the doorway to the kitchen, and Danny’s jaw falls open.  Steve’s wearing a dark gray button-up shirt, collar open at the neck, and black slacks that hug his ass like his cargoes never quite manage.  He even looks freshly shaved.

 “Hey, Danno,” Steve says, voice low, and Danny shivers.  He takes a step towards Steve but somehow trips over his own feet and the carving knife in his hand goes flying to the ground.

 Steve sucks in a breath, and they both stare at the knife, stuck in the floorboards about an inch away from Danny’s bare right toe.  “Huh,” says Steve.  “Lucky.”

 Danny sucks in a breath and shakes his head, trying to grab on to anything at all that makes sense. “Why’re you dressed up?”  he finally comes up with, which isn’t particularly witty but is somewhat better than oh my fucking god what is going on here, which is a close second.

 Steve smirks.  “I’ve got a date.”

 Danny’s heart sinks.  He’s too late, he’s just one goddamn day too late, this is his life every single time.  He was a fool for thinking otherwise.

 “With that vet?”

 Steve looks determined.  “No, not with the vet.”  Steve crouches down at his feet and retrieves the knife, then places it in the sink.  He’s right up in Danny’s space.  “You look nice too,” Steve says, and at first Danny think’s it’s a non sequitur, but then he takes in Steve’s expression, that cocky confidence with an undercurrent of uncertainty, and the way Steve is lining up his own very nicely clad shoulder with Danny’s, and suddenly the clouds part and all is clear.

 “Wait,” Danny says.  “What do you think… How did you…?”

 Steve’s face does something that seems to be a cross between a smirk and a hopeful grin.  “Tani said you texted her a few times today.”

 “So?”

 “She said you were buying wine.”

 Danny bites his lip.  “Again, so?”

 “You never buy wine, unless you’re cooking a fancy meal.”

 “I buy wine all the time.”

 “When was the last time?”

 Danny has to think pretty hard about it, and that’s when he knows he’s losing this particular argument.  He still has hope for winning the war, however, so he stops talking about wine.

 “Can we go back to the part where you said you had a date?  Because you’re not acting like you have a date.”

 “No?”  Steve asks.  “How should I be acting?”  Steve somehow moves even closer to Danny, tilting his head, waiting for Danny’s answer.

 Danny can feel his heart pounding in his chest, and he thinks he might be getting light headed.  

 “Come on, Danny,” Steve says, his breath puffing against Danny’s skin.  “How should I be acting?”

 Danny just blinks up at him, and then he’s saved from having to come up with an answer by Steve’s lips pressing against his own.  Danny thinks he lets out something like a moan as his mouth opens under Steve’s, and he slides his hands up Steve’s back under his ridiculous shirt and pulls him close.

 ****

 “You can’t possibly have known what I was going to do just from Tani telling you I was buying wine.”

 Steve flops over onto his back. The sheet is pulled up just over his stupidly attractive hip bones, and Danny sneakily reaches out a finger to slide it back down again.

 “Honestly, all I knew was that it seemed like you were getting ready for a date,” Steve says.  “And it made me realize that I could lose my chance with you, anytime.  You could meet someone, maybe even that woman you were talking to at the bar this morning, and it would be too late for us.  So I changed into the spare clothes I keep at the office, and figured I’d give it my best shot.”

 Danny pushes up on an elbow. “Have you eaten a radioactive spider lately?  Drank some kind of serum?”

 “No…”

 “Because the mindreading shit is frankly disturbing…  I literally – and I mean the actual meaning of literally, not the one the kids are using these days – I literally had that same thought today.  That you’d finally get up the nerve to ask out that vet again, or fall in love while buying ammunition, or save some gorgeous lady’s pet parakeet from terrorists, and I’d lose my chance with you.”

 Steve turns towards Danny, his face brimming with affection.  “I guess today really was our lucky day, then.”

 Danny grins into Steve’s kiss. He’s gonna send Joanna a fruit basket. And maybe give a great big donation to whatever organization looks out for the honu, because he owes them, too.

[onthepageoftears]

Hold Them Closer ~ Ch.11 [Jaskier x assassin!reader] || Witcher

A/N: Two chapters left! Imma miss this seriessss

Your kind words and reviews mean a lot to me, so please don’t afraid to leave a message/comment!

Summary: A side job brings more than you could have imagined.

Warnings: language, banter, mentions of fighting, cliffhanger :o

Words: 1,098

Please Don’t Plagiarize My Work!

The next morning, the four of you were off to return to the small village in Velen. The night was slow, taunting you as time moved at its painfully sluggish pace. You let your eyes rest on the path ahead of you, Jaskier’s arm wrapped securely around your waist. You heard his voice behind you, along with Theo’s, but your mind was elsewhere.

That was until Jaskier’s voice was particularly loud from behind you.

“You really think I will take lessons from a child?”

You turned your head, catching the look of annoyance on Theo’s face as she followed alongside Buttercup on her own horse. “I’m grown.”

Jaskier scoffed. “No one who’s grown actually has to prove it.”

“Will you shut your mouth, old man?”

“Old man?” Jaskier’s grip on your waist tightened, his teeth gritted as he tried speaking quietly, “Why do we always get stuck with children?”

“I told you, I’m not a child! I’m practically an adult.”

“Practically being the keyword.” He turned his face back towards you, speaking lowly into your ear. “At least Lilla was quiet.”

You snorted at the mention of the other little (or, grown) girl you had previously come across. It seemed you weren’t the only one making connections to your experience with Lilla and Theo, though Jaskier’s had more of a…spiteful reminiscing.

Though it certainly wasn’t amusing everyone (Jaskier was nearly steaming and Geralt was extremely quiet — even more so than usual), Theo and Jaskier’s interactions left a warm feeling in your chest. Maybe it distracted you from your own journey, from the hope you were losing every second.

Deciding to break the undoubtedly entertaining tension between the bard and girl, you cleared your throat. “So, Theo. Where’d you learn to fight?”

She ignored your gaze for a moment, letting her eyes settle on the road ahead. “My mom and I learned from the blacksmith in town. She said we needed to be ready for anything.”

You pursed your lips, keeping your eyes on the girl. “I thought you said she didn’t trust you?”

Theo rolled her eyes dramatically. “Just because I know how to fight doesn’t mean she likes me to do it.”

You pursed your lips, eyebrows raising in surprise. You knew you were very different from the girl — as a kid, you never would’ve have spoken as she did, but then again, you weren’t exactly silent. If Rauf had been like her mother, you wouldn’t have nearly the same amount of issues you did now. Fighting would be a choice, not a lifestyle. You wouldn’t have the guilt you did now — instead, you would probably have done just what Theo did: used your skills for real good.

A wave of newfound respect for the girl washed over you as you watched her atop her horse. With a sigh you nodded your head, turning away from her. “She seems like a good mom.”

Theo took a second before responding, her voice lower than usual. “She is.”

The sound of hooves took over once again, everyone seemingly lost in their own thoughts. You tried to keep your mind away from your mother, for now. Instead, you focused on Jaskier’s fingers tapping on your waist, the rhythm calming you as his music usually did.

Geralt’s gruff voice took you out of your trance, now riding alongside Theo’s horse. “Where did you get your sword from?”

“It’s a hand me down.” She didn’t bother giving any more information, and Geralt didn’t press her. Instead, she gripped her horses’ reigns tighter. “My village is just up here. Mom’ll probably have the reward waiting.”

Before you could respond, she was riding ahead, face firm in determination. You followed close behind, watching as the village came slowly into view. Not much had changed since you were last here, though it was only a day.

Theo slowed down as the four of you entered the village, ignoring the eyes that followed you as you passed. Your eyes settled on the back of Theo’s head, wondering what she was thinking. It was as if all of a sudden she had gone really quiet, which, from the time you had spent with her, seemed very unlike her.

Instead of saying anything, you followed close behind, and soon, the three of you were led you to what looked to be a small shop — one you hadn’t seen the other day. Theo slid off her horse, taking her time tying it to the post in front of the shop. You did the same, keeping your gaze on the girl beside you. She was avoiding anyone’s gaze, tying her third knot by the time Jaskier slid to the ground next to you.

He placed a hand on your back, face scrunched in slight annoyance. “What are we waiting for?”

Theo looked up, finally leaving her fourth knot alone. She looked up from you to Jaskier to Geralt, her eyes shifting so she didn’t keep anyone’s gaze too long.

You spoke, finally getting her attention. “I’m sure she won’t be mad.”

“I’m not worried about that.” Theo snapped, making you raise a brown in response. She rolled her eyes, avoiding your gaze once more. “She always gets…uptight about this stuff.

“Can’t imagine why.” Jaskier scoffed, but let out a small ‘oof’ when you elbowed him in the stomach.

“We’ll be right with you. To back you up.”

Theo bit her lip. She looked at you for a moment, and you couldn’t tell what flashed in her eyes — worry, annoyance, or respect. They were very different emotions, but reading Theo was almost as hard as reading Geralt; only with Theo, her emotions were close to to your own.

After another second of idle waiting, Theo huffed and practically marched her way towards the front of the shop. The three of you followed close behind, getting ready for the Mama Bear that was about to attack. But when you stepped foot in that tiny little shop, your mind only on helping Theo, you weren’t expecting what was there in front of you.

The breath was completely knocked out of you at the sight of the woman at the counter. Her eyes widened once you walked in the shop, immediately falling on the young girl in front of you. She gasped, rushing out from behind the counter to collapse into the girl with a hug. Your mouth was slightly ajar, heart beating faster than anything you ever felt. Because the woman standing in front of you, hugging Theo with a grip unlike anything you’d ever seen — that woman was your mother.

———————————————————————————————————

AHHHHHH!! Let me know your thoughts!

[gummydamie]

Moomin you fucked up you piss off the bean

dumb doodles

why is he mad tho

[storm-in-a-tea-cup0]

10, 25, 26 and 45 from the OC Ask 👀

I'm so sorry this took so long and it's still so vague at times??? Sowwy Nay '^'

10. Introduce an OC with a complicated design?

Do I.../have/ an OC with a complicated design? I don't know???

25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?)

Hah...I knew this one would find it's way to the ask box eventually. Okay, the objective answer is Olivia. She's around my height 'kay, a bit taller. She's 5'1" and I won't get there in this lifetime, we're both Brazilian we actually have the same accent cuz she's paulista. We really don't like Mexican food Cilantro and bell pepper are a big nono. Nu-uh. Ah, she got my bad relationship with food as well, she and I play the same games Demonology specialized Warlock in WoW, counting the days for Shadowlands because we didn't like BfA very much. Legion, on the other hand, 👀 we liked a lot. So yeah, Olie!!!

The unobjective answer would be something along the lines of "all my kids got traits from me" followed by a long and messy list of the OCs and the stuff they got and of course I'm also giving that answer because some are nice. Silence shares my thought process? Because I actually adopted Thrandy we can't include him but he and Nick basically got me in love?? Ah. Nick also got the stress fasting and stalker tendencies. Oh! He actually got my siblings as well??? Hmm...Na'imah got the overall personality...? I think? She and Thaegan also got most of the physical aspects? I mean, they're both petite women of colour with curly hair so yeah. Heh, Khufu got the "Flirtation is my mother language". So did Ilya. Linnéa got the whole "what run in my veins is actually a complex mix of Cab-Sav, Merlot and Syrah because I'm a drunk". Winnie the plushie obsession. Chris!!!! Chris got the Bear Parent thing. But so did Silence if we are to speak frankly. Ina and Autumn the nomadic soul and mild tendency to...ignore...their parents' wishes? And maybe, just maybe the habit of putting them in their place if they feel like it's necessary?? Mother, dad... I'm sorry? OH! They all have my taste in food. So basically we all hate coriander, bell pepper listen, in this case it's actually an allergy. The taste is good but it hurts (ಥ﹏ಥ) and no eating octopi. They're friends, not food.

26. Have you ever had to change your OC's design or something else about them against your will?

I'll....say no..? Hhh, I've changed aspects of a character's overall story in order to... accomodate I tried to find a better way to say this but I don't know someome's wishes before?? But I didn't have to do it? I did because... I don't know. I just did. But hey, I've changed those changes later again. And again. And now I'm trying to change them again so does it even count?

45. A character you no longer use?

Hhhh, I'll go with Lilla. I don't think I can even say I actually /used/ her because I only wrote like,,, /two/ scenes with her? The Trophy Wife one and another that was SO memorable that I don't recall what it was about. So yeah. The Italian transfer student that was a mad perfumer. Her.

[bythevayviktoria]

here is what you do in the underground while changing 3 lines.

You put on your earphones. Max lvl. We do not want to hear other people’s problems, we have enough on our own. We have to think about serious stuff, like financial plans of surviving in London for another 2 years without ending up eating lemon sponge and chickpeas all the time. Plus my friend asked a very attacking question concerning my love life which hit home a bit, this is also a task to dwell on, furthermore, I have a good amount of readings to whilst traveling. So once we have all of our problems gathered in our head and we have to go through hell to get from South to West Kensington. Why would we do that? In normal cases, you just don’t but on this very day Lilla, our lovely friend is establishing a female filmmakers night, including wine and tortillas. For this calling, everyone would lift up their bum to travel through space and time. By the way, this evening I heard the most hilarious stories about sleeping with actors/producers/runners. Including Dawson’s creek’s Dawson, even seen a picture of him in a hotel bed. These girls are phenomenal, motivated, insanely beautiful and talented. One production runner, one crowd AD, one camera trainee. At points, I even wondered what is my next level comparing to them who are very much on it, and then I remembered that I am again a student who does not have to sweat on these questions, just like in a year's time. Everybody slowly evaporated after the last dips in the houmus tray and I left as well to get lost again in the underground jungle. So again you are on the way there and it is a high peak. What you are going to is put on the Whiplash soundtrack, the whole album, and you enjoy the madness. The running people, the unrunning people, the limping ones, the lost ones, the found ones, the unfound lost ones, the ugly, the good and the bad, the white, the black, the fainty ones, the pimples, the jackets which are oversized, the unfitted shoes, just shoes, look at just the shoes, and then just the hands, the hands which are grabbing the underground poles, the hand which are hidden in pockets. You do that. All of a sudden you become the found one who got lost, you are the lumpy one, the slow, the one who can not figure out if it is right or left. While listening to Whiplash’s Practicing.  Slowly dissolving in the madness and becoming one tiny atom of it. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2IZyEAOIe4

[camwritesbooks]

Fictober Day #2: “People like you have no imagination.”

OCs: Aquilla (POV) and Marise - Valkrya

Word count: 1550

About: This sentence struck me as a very Marise thing to say, so I chose her and Aquilla for this one. This will probably end up going in the first draft of Valkrya when I get up to it! The Noël Levett in this piece is one of the people Aquilla and Marise investigate as they search for the moles in the palace. This is so absolutely not edited so please give it some leeway :)

Aquilla watched as the man handed over a plain envelope to Noël, who quickly slipped it into his inside coat pocket. The pair exchanged a few words before shaking hands and walking away in opposite directions.

“We need that letter,” she hissed to Marise. This could be all the proof they needed to prove Noël’s guilt.

Marise nodded and slipped from behind her pillar, following Noël. Aquilla fell into step behind her, trying to walk as silently as she could in her heeled Mary-Janes. She wished she’d worn slightly more practical shoes like Marise, but at least these weren’t as difficult to walk in as the sorts of the flapper shoes Inferna sometimes wore.

Marise paused at the bottom of a staircase, peeking around the edge of the wall. “He’s going into his office,” she murmured.

Aquilla bit her lip nervously. “How are we going to get the letter off him?”

“I have a few ideas,” Marise replied, grinning.

“You’re not going to seduce him, are you?” she asked.

Marise snorted uncharacteristically. “Of course not. You’ve read to many novels written by clueless men. No,” she said, “my plan is better than that.”

“Please don’t set anything on fire,” Aquilla begged.

“People like you have no imagination,” said Marise, smiling cryptically.

Aquilla sighed. “Well, what can I do to help?”

“We’re not going to try to steal it now. He’s probably only just reading it and will notice if it disappears right away. This plan will take a little while, but we’ll just have to deal with that. Now, Your Highness, do you happen to remember what event is taking place at the palace tonight?” Marise was grinning as if she were quite pleased with herself.

Aquilla scanned her brain, trying to remember. She hadn’t really been going to dinners or anything recently, preferring to spend the time in the hospital. Tonight… tonight was… It hit her like a flash. “The charity ball,” she said.

“Correct! And our dear Noël Levett will be there.”

“But won’t you have to go to?”

Marise nodded. “I will, but you won’t.”

She realised what Marise was asking of her. “Me? Break into his office and steal from him? I really know don’t how much of a good idea that is,” she said. She didn’t even know how to pick a lock. And what if she ran into someone and they recognised her?

“Look, I know it’s a lot, but who else is there to do it? Noël can’t get wind of this and we don’t know who we can trust.”

“What about Mr Tokene?”

“I don’t know where Nerism is.”

“I have no idea how to pick a lock.”

Marise tapped her fingers against her thigh. “We’ll both come to the concert tonight. I’ll find a way to steal Noël’s keys, you can take them and go to his office, get what we need. Then you can come back and I’ll return his keys.”

That would be cutting it dangerously close. “That seems risky. What if he leaves before I get back and finds his keys missing? What if you can’t even get the keys off him until it’s too late?”

“It’s a risk we’ve got to take. We have to get this letter if we want to expose Noël and whoever it is he’s working with. If he can’t find his keys, he’ll just think he lost them. It happens all the time.”

A servant came out of a door nearby and Marise immediately grabbed Aquilla’s arm, walking away towards the gates. “I could go instead, but I’m just afraid that people will… notice me more.”

“It’s okay,” Aquilla said, steeling herself. “I’ll do it.”

“Are you sure?”

Aquilla glared at her. “Yes.”

Marise smiled and checked her watch. “5 o’clock. I’d better get back to the embassy.”

“I should go home and get dressed if I’m going to be at this party after all.”

They found the car where they’d left it one street down, Marise climbing into the driver’s seat. It felt strange to sit in the front of the car after years of always sitting in the back.

“I’ll drop you back at the palace first,” Marise offered.

“Thank you.”

They drove in complete silence the whole way. Marise seemed oddly relaxed for someone who was plotting to pickpocket a man’s keys so her friend could rob his office. Aquilla’s mind was racing a million miles a minute. Maybe she’d made a mistake in telling Marise she could do this.

The car was stopped at the gates, but they were let through the moment the guard caught sight of Aquilla’s face. She offered them a tentative smile.

“Until we meet again, Your Highness,” Marise said as Aquilla stepped down from the car.

“Yes, I’ll see you soon,” she replied softly before closing the door.

None of her sisters were anywhere to be found that evening. She ran into Maria in the corridor, who was already dressed for the evening, wearing a light pink dress woven with tiny jewels, and delicate pearl jewellery. The smile she gave Aquilla was a little less than sincere, so she decided not to ask whether Maria had seen Luna today.

She put on the first nice dress she could find - a silver and black one with minimal jewels - and picked her most sensible heels to wear on her feet. She wished she could be a bit brave like Marise and wear white tie sometimes, even though it wasn’t really that “her”. It would be easier to wear pants and practical shoes to events where she’d need to be standing for extended periods of time. She let Florence do a bit with her hair, but she was already running late so she opted for a more simple style.

She’d decided on her excuse for leaving early. She was just going to say she was “needed at the hospital” because it seemed unlikely that anyone was going to refute that.

Some people had already arrived when she came downstairs. Luna was there to greet them, wearing white tie tonight rather than her Valkryan-blue jacket. She acknowleged her sister with a quick kiss on the cheek.

“I’m glad to see you tonight, Aquilla. I thought you were going to be busy,” she said.

“Yes, well, I might be. But I’m here for now.”

“Your friend Ms Kaiyo has arrived,” said Luna, nodding her head towards the door.

Marise was coming in alongside Mr Miyara and Aquilla made a beeline for her immediately. The modern band had started playing and she had to dodge a few people starting to dance. When she came around, Marise was already talking to someone who had entered just after her - Noël.

Well, I guess we’re doing this. She stuck to the wall, watching as Marise spoke cheerfully with Levett as a footman took his coat and scarf for him. Slowly, Marise reached out and tugged at the coat so that the servant dropped it on the floor.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, that was me,” she heard Marise say as she moved closer. Marise bent down to help the servant pick it up, and Aquilla smiled as she saw her friend’s quick fingers dip into the pocket and remove a set of keys without notice. Marise placed the coat back in the footman’s arms, apologising again. She nodded goodbye to Noël before making her way across to where Aquilla stood against the wall.

“There you go,” she murmured, pressing the keys into Aquilla’s hand.

“You did that rather artfully,” she remarked.

Marise smiled. “It happens to be one of my special talents.”

Aquilla took a deep breath. She’d imagined getting more a chance to prepare before she headed off to Noël’s office. At least this way she had the most time to actually carry out the act, though.

“If someone asks, just tell them I was needed at the hospital,” she said. “I’ll be back soon.”

“See you then. Good luck.” Marise walked away inconspicuously, falling back into line with Mr Miyara. She threw Aquilla a final smile over her shoulder.

Aquilla sighed. Better to try to get this over with. She slid through a door into the next room along and made her way silently through the palace. Each dark and unoccupied room only heightened her sense of anxiety and she breathed in the fresh air of the back steps relievedly. It was only then that she realised she’d have to have one of the chauffeurs drive her to Noël’s flat, which would be far too suspicious and could jeopardise her and Marise’ plan.

The crunching of gravel made her realise she wasn’t alone.

“Inferna?” she gasped.

Her sister was standing with Marise’ co-assistant Nerism at the base of the steps. She was still wearing her clothes from that morning and looked up when she heard her sister.

“Lilla?”

Aquilla hurried down the stairs. “Fern, I need you to drive me somewhere.”

Inferna glanced at Nerism and then back at her. “What? Right now?”

She nodded. “It’s urgent, and I can’t ask one of the drivers because they might give something away.”

Her sister stared at her. “What do you mean, “give something away”?”

Aquilla felt her cheeks heat up. “Well, this is going to sound rather mad but…”

[takeeachdayonebookatatime]

Law and order SVU

"White is back"

Olivia Benson: pov it has been a slow day at the 16th precinct in Manhattan. I just ate a chicken salad when the phone rang in my office so I went to answer it. A woman on the other end is calling to tell me 2 prisoners escaped one is serving life for rape, murder and stalking. When I asked what his name was, the lady said Richard white. I almost fell out of my chair. In shock the other guy is just a drug dealer named Shane Clark. I asked the lady why she did not call the deputy chief Garland. She said this svu number was still on file. I tell the lady I have to make a press conference and tell Garland. The first thing I do is call Garland and tell him what the lady told me and what I know. I left out the part where he stalked me in the 90's. If he finds out he will hire guards for me so I stay quiet.

Fin: pov Liv comes out of her office very angry and says she just got a call about 2 prisoners who escaped. One is a drug dealer and the other is serving life for Rape, murder and stalking. She also said chief Garland was on his way. And this guy is very dangerous. She asked me to look up a person named Kimberly Phillips and see where she lives and what her phone number is. so she can call her to let her know he is out. Amanda asked who this Lady is and Liv said a former business partner of his. She could be in danger because she was his alibi the day of the murder but she said he was not with her that day at the open house.

Amanda: pov wow Liv you Sure know a lot about this guy.

Liv: pov well me and my former partner did arrest him in 1999. It was our case. I also kinda knew the ADA that died. I used to run into her after court a few times.

Carisi: pov so Liv do you have any idea where this guy might go, maybe an old house he sold.

Liv: pov probably there were a bunch he sold.

Kat: pov should I look at the old case files Captain to see if there is any info that might help us catch him.

Liv: pov if kat looks at the case files she will see the pictures of me in there and I can't let that happen. I don't want them to know I was staked by him. but I can't lie to them either so I guess I give her some of the pages and I look through the others.

Carisi: pov chief Garland arrived, he and Liv talked. She got all Dressed up nice and gave a speech/press conference about this guy and how dangerous he is. Kat tells Fin Liv only gave her half of the case files. Fin finally found Kimberly's phone number but no one answers when he called so he tells Liv they should check her house.

Liv: pov me and Fin decide to go with Garland I left Kat and Amanda at hq.

Carisi: pov Liv left me with kat and Amanda she told me to get some rush warrants and have Amanda see if his mother Lilla had the same address and if so to call her she might be hiding him.

Kat: pov while Liv is gone I snuck into her office and found the rest of the files in her drawer and read them. Why are there photos of Olivia in here wait. So this is what the captain is hiding. She was stalked by this guy. Well, I have to go tell Amanda. There is other stuff in here like a valentine's day card that says from your former partner I love working with you again Liv. It is on top so that means she could be dating that stabler guy she talked about. omg I have to tell Amanda she will never believe me

Garland: pov we arrive on scene and find the front door open, in the bedroom there is a dead body on the bed with a note. Liv leans over to ID the body since she knows what Kimberly looks like. She says it's Kimberly alright, she grabs the note very quickly so we can't see it. Fin calls it in with the medical examiner, csu and taru. I secure the crime scene and ask Liv what is in the note and she reads it out loud, it says can't wait to see you again this is just the beginning Liv. We head back to the precinct on the way Liv comes clean about how in 1999 when they arrested him he had photos of her. so he was kind of stalking her. I'm so mad at her for not telling me this first. I should kick her off of this case but I won't.

Fin: pov she tells Garland that her and Noah will stay at the precinct if it makes him feel better about her safety. Because if you get her a police detail she will ditch them and go behind their back. She did it once before so she can do it again.

Amanda: pov kat comes and tells me how this guy used to stalk Liv. It was all in the case files and she mentions something about Liv's dating someone.

Liv: pov Amanda tells me his mom has the same address. Kat asks me about why I did not tell her I was stalked by this guy. I asked her how she found that out and she said it was in the case files in my desk. then also asks me about my boyfriend. The former partner detective stabler in front of Garland. She says she saw the valentines day card in my drawer. I tell her I'm not dating anyone and that is an old card from Cassidy. I found it from the 90's. We were partnered on a case together in the 90's and went on one date but he wanted more so I broke up with him and we re-dated years later but it did not work out. Garland was mad at me for not telling them about the stalking and I was very mad at Kat for going through my drawer without permission.

Fin: we all head out to his mother's house in hopes he is there. We arrest his mom and check the house from top to bottom until we find him. He had no clue we were onto him. He punched Liv during the arrest. We let her arrest him and she said she was fine. at the station she put ice on her bruised face, then Liv manages to get him to confess to killing Kimberly. The second guy was caught easily. As punishment for Kat going through the Captain drawers she had to do extra paperwork and go down to evidence and find an old VHS tape in one of the boxes. It took a few hours for her to find the VHS tape the tape was an old video of the squad from 1999 before I got there it was a PSA on rape. Kat also brought up the old vrc for Liv.

Amanda: pov Liv put in this old tape for us it was so weird seeing them in the 90's. Munch looked old then. Olivia, Elliot and Cassidy all looked like babies. I asked who was that other woman Liv said her names was Monique Jeffries and that she made a big mistake when slept with a rape suspect got in big trouble for it put on desk duty by Cragen then resigned and sued the department for discrimination, Liv said she then worked vice and the last time she saw her was the year 2000. We ordered pizza and talked while we ate. Liv had so many old stories it was so awesome. The end. ……..

I don't own the photo I found it on Instagram.

[betweenthetimeandsound]

Three Minutes to Eternity: My ESC 250 (#200-191)

#200: Alice Babs -- Lilla stjärna (Sweden 1958)

“Lilla stjärna i det höga, svara mig, svara mig, Kommer han som jag ska få så kär?”

“Little star up above, answer me, answer me, Is he coming, the man that I will love?”

And so we begin the top 200 with an innocent and sweet number, and which resembles the best of 1950s Eurovision. I'm not a fan of the decade, because most of the songs are a bit too old-fashioned for my taste (especially since we have the beginnings of rock-n-roll outside the contest), but Lilla stjarna is one of the better soundtrack-like songs.

Before Sweden became the superpower in Eurovision we all know and love (or love to hate), they debuted with this dainty, beautiful song that was selected internally. There's a sense of longing in the lyrics, with the narrator hoping that their loved one would return. It’s definitely a fairytale, with that classical instrumentation and Alice’s innocent voice.

Personal ranking: 2nd/10 Actual ranking: 4th/10 in Hilversum

#199: Domenico Modugno -- Nel Blu Dipinto di Blu (Italy 1958)

“Penso che un sogno così non ritorni mai più Mi dipingevo le mani e la faccia di blu Poi d’improvviso venivo dal vento rapito E incominciavo a volare nel cielo infinito”

“I think such a dream will never come back I painted my hands and my face blue Then suddenly I was ravished by the wind And I started flying in the infinite sky”

The original classic from Eurovision, and the biggest hit of them all. It topped the Billboard charts in 1959, won two Grammys in the first-ever ceremony in 1959 (and still the only Italian-language song to do so), and is covered and over again to this day.

Considering the lack of attention most of the songs got in the first two contests, it's possible without Nel blu dipinto di blu's commercial success, we wouldn't have a Eurovision Song Contest to speak of. Or it would've been done for by 1960, haha.

Sometimes, I forget about this song when thinking about favorites, but when I listen to the intro, it starts bringing you into its little world, where I’m actually flying! The lyrics are quite cool and imaginative, adding to that feeling.

And of course, that "Volare..." is enough to keep people singing along!

Personal ranking: 1st/10 Actual ranking: 3rd/10 in Hilversum #Italywasrobbed

#198: Korni -- Moja Generacjia (Yugoslavia 1974)

“Mene majka moja rodi da sanjam o slobodi, U prvoj noći da čujem zveket, Da plačem sa rukom na usnama,”

“My mother gave me life to dream of freedom, The first night to hear gun sounds To cry with my hand on my lips”

World War II in Yugoslavia is not something I've learned about in depth. What I do know is that the Axis powers were able to take the whole country, and two major groups arose to collaborate with them. The Ustashas (Croatian nationalists) and Chetniks (Serbian nationalists) also both sought to destroy the other ethnic group and there was a bit of a mess all around.

(If you have any more information on this topic, let me know as I do want to learn)

Moja Generacija is a harrowing but powerful progressive rock song about those born during the Second World War, and their lives as a whole. I like the dark soundscape along with the instruments that accompanied it too. The orchestration at the chorus is especially noteworthy, because of the sweeping strings and the brass which highlight the times as a whole.

(And apparently, there's a seven-minute English-language cut, which makes it even more of a progressive rock song.)

Personal ranking: 3rd/17 Actual ranking: 12th/17 in Brighton

#197: Shiri Maimon -- HaSheket Shenishar (Israel 2005)

המבט אחר והקור חודר אתה מסתתר, את גופי שובר

“The glance is different and the cold is piercing You’re hiding, breaking my body”

Israel in the 2000s wasn't the best song-wise. I can only think of two songs that were really good in that period--of which this was one of them, which held Israel's best placing this century until Toy won three years ago. And it couldn't be anymore different from the song Israel would eventually win with.

Initially, I didn't get it, as it felt a bit derivative. Even now, it has offgrown me a bit because of pop ballad structure. But what I really liked was the smooth transition between Hebrew and English, along with how well Shiri sings it. She has a really sweet tone to her voice, which really helps in conveying the sorrow of being in love with a cheating partner and having to let go of it for her own happiness.

And that dress--it has to be one of my favorite performance outfits of all time!

Personal ranking: 4th/39 Actual ranking: 4th/24 GF in Kyiv

#196: Inga and Anush -- Jan Jan (Armenia 2009)

“Can't ya see, we aren't free?, Fixed like a tree to the holy ground, With my sound, gotta be always around, I wanna dance, don't ya stand, sister give your hand,”

"Sister, here we go!"

For a dance song, it's actually quite sedate--there isn't many moments of true boppiness, but there was something more "psychadelic" about the production and how it was put together. Either way, it works well all the same.

The sisters do a good job singing together, and I like the mix of ethno and dance music. Plus, their costumes are absolutely expensive and glamourous--I would like to wear them if I ever got the chance.

Also, for some reason, Azeris like to spam the comments on this song and claim that the Armenians "stole" their traditional clothing and music. Considering the two countries' proximity, I'm not so shocked about their similarities, but if Azeris would like to share a bit more of their ethnic music, it's always welcome!

Personal ranking: 8th/42 Actual ranking: 10th/25 GF in Moscow

#195: Sabina Babayeva -- When the Music Dies (Azerbaijan 2012)

“You, you are the best of me The reason that I believe, so don't leave me now...”

(Yes, Azerbaijan can send ethnic-influenced music. Hehe.)

Azerbaijan’s host entry when they brought the contest to Baku is a bit of a standard ballad, but with an ethnic twist. The use of balaban really highlights the melancholy of the song, and the mughum vocals pierces one's soul when performed.

I could feel how Sabina sings every word, pleading with her lover to stay with her despite it all. And that doesn’t begin to add with the beautiful LED dress, adding to the drama of the song as we see it in white, but it gets overlaid with sparks, shades of turquoise, and its final form with reds and oranges. That was a particularly beautiful moment.

A lot of fans believe this was the song that should've won it for Azerbaijan, and I can't disagree! This is a gem indeed.

Personal ranking: 6th/42 (a bit awkward here because I left out my runner-up of 2012 in this ranking, so amongst the songs here it's 5th/42) Actual ranking: 4th/26 GF in Baku

#194: Milestones -- Falter im Wind (Austria 1972)

“Tanz um die Lichter, Schmetterling, Deine Farben flammen auf, Tot ist die Nacht, in deinem Tanz, Ist das Leben hell wie Tag”,

“Dance around the lights, butterfly Your colours flame up The night is dead, in your dance Life is bright like the day”

My first forays on pre-1990s Eurovision was with the British blog, Lovelovepeacepeace. She would recap every year between 1968 and 2000, and 1972 was one of the years I went through the songs because of her. Coincidentally, I got to like Falter im Wind as much as she does.

It definitely fits with the hippy era, in terms of folk music and the general aesthetic. There's even a prominent (weird little) flute motif throughout. The lyrics talk about the life or a butterfly and how it shouldn't go to far into the sun. A bit strange, considering what most other songs are about, but it's a nice and gentle sentiment (with a message not unlike that of "Waterfalls", how strange).

Austria is not usually known for their highlights, but this is definitely one of their best (and a personal favorite of mine). Feel free to go an a road-trip playing this (though not with the studio cut--that's a bit slower)!

Personal ranking: 1st/18 Actual ranking: 5th/18 in Edinburgh

#193: Roger Bens -- Femme dans ses rêves aussi (France 1985)

“Mélodie, mélodrame, sourire et puis larmes Amoureuse ou sans âme, elle est d’abord femme...”

“Melody, melodrama, smile and then tears In love or without soul, first of all she’s woman”

ESC 1985 is notable not only because of a certain ripped-skirt incident, but also because they have a live album with the first eleven songs of the contest. Among these is the French entry, which has one of the best orchestrations of all-time, thanks to Michel Bernholc's arrangemnt.

(And because of that, it is my most-listened to song on Spotify)

The violins primarily make this song what it is—there are synths in the studio track, but don’t pack the same punch. The bass really provides some depth, and the brass at the bridge really sells the whole thing home.

The sense of drama in the song also includes the lyrics about being a woman and embracing her in all the ways. Despite the occasional eyebrow-raising and lip licking, Roger sings this with gusto.

To add to this, where is Roger Bens? This was the last known sighting of him and he is presumed to be dead.

Personal ranking: 3rd/19 Actual ranking: 10th/19 in Gothenburg

#192: Nina Zilli -- L'Amore È Femmina (Out Of Love) (Italy 2012)

“If you were my king, would I be your queen?, Stop breaking up my heart, you kill me – boom boom boom”

No, she's not Amy Winehouse resurrected for one night, but Nina Zilli! She also competed in Sanremo that year, and Emma (see #223) won it with the harsh but determined "Non è l'inferno".

Beyond the retro music and Nina's bouffant on the night, I didn't notice any similarities to Amy Winehouse. This doesn't mean "L'amore e femmina" have its own charms--it falls into the jazz theme that "Madness of Love" (#232) continues, but is the opposite in more than one way.

The English-Italian mix is a but clunky at times, especially in the choruses but it doesn’t take away from the attitude this song brings. I love the jazzy vibes and how Nina sings it with a sense of sassiness and charm. Her backing vocalists really help with conveying the mood, and don't do a bad job when the song goes back to Italian!

(As for the two Sanremo songs in question, I prefer Non è l'inferno to Per Sempre--the former is quite determined, and I really like the lyrics. Though I think the latter would have more appeal in terms of themes, even it's a bit more derivative musically)

Personal ranking: 5th/42 Actual ranking: 9th/26 GF in Baku

#191: Hovi Star -- Made of Stars (Israel 2016)

“Dance with me like we are made of stars...”

This is one of the first songs which got me into Eurovision. I would put this on repeat over and over again, because it's just so beautiful. (Or it was because it's Israeli, haha. Another country bias of mine will appear later.)

The first version of Made of Stars was a trashy and dull dance song, but the rework into a ballad makes it more magical. It’s serene yet touching, with a calming piano motif and a dramatic crescendo at the end.

The staging of Made of Stars also helps; while I'm still put off by the LED face when the backing vocalists sing "you hypontize me", everything else just works. The otherwise starry LEDs, the hoop dancers, and Hovi's glowing presence make this into a sweet, albeit overlooked package.

Personal ranking: 6th/42 Actual ranking: 14th/26 GF in Stockholm

[painoffluffinen]

Madness, utterly insane

Jag hatar det här, vad tabletterna gör med en den första tiden.. Jag har äntligen börjat medicinera igen efter graviditeten. Det har inte gått jätte bra, livet har kommit emellan, men jag kämpar vidare. Men som med många antidepressiva så blir man värre den första perioden, innan kroppen vant sig. Och med tanke på Jag ökar dosen stadigt så dras denna period ut. Jag är helt knäckt, jag känner att jag är ledsen och inte mår bra, helt utan anledning. Mina hjärnspöken försöker hitta på anledningar som förklarar ångesten som kryper under huden, och jag fastnar vid små obetydliga saker och skapar scenarion som är långt ifrån verkliga.

Det här är inte bra. Jag är instabil. Jag kommer såra någon snart, utan att jag vill och förstår varför... Jag har ingen kontroll på min destruktiva sida just nu, Impulser tar över och jag handlar väldigt opassande. Jag önskar jag kunde prata om det här, att jag kunde förklara och få hjälp. Men jag kan bara inte förmå mig att öppna munnen. Självförakten är stark just nu, den hindrar mig mycket i min vardag. Jag kan ha en bra lycklig dag, så plötsligt sköljs man över med tanken över hur jävla äcklig och ful man är, att ens existens är en plåga för alla andra. Man förstår bara inte varför.

Jag har aldrig känt mig så värdelös och ful som jag gör just nu i denna period. Jag försöker göra det bättre, sminka mig, välja kläder jag tycker extra mycket om, men så fort jag ser mig själv blir jag äcklad och tänker bara "vem försöker du lura, ingen tycker om dig, du är så äcklig o ful" jag blir som besatt av småsaker och hakar upp mig på dem.

Dem här två senaste dagarna var extra jobbiga och jag är så ledsen över det. För jag åkte iväg och umgicks med en av de finaste människor jag känner och jag får ångest över o tänka på hur bortkopplad och ångestladdad jag var utan o kunna säga nått. Han frågade och jag ville vara ärlig, men det gick bara inte... Jag känner bara att jag gör så mycket fel, att jag är en sjukt dålig människa.

Jag är dessutom arg på mig själv, över att jag blev rädd för o krama honom... att jag tänkte att han skulle tycka jag var jobbig, att han bara ville jag bara skulle gå. Så som så många gånger förr kröp jag ihop så långt bort jag kunde komma. Jag strök honom lätt över armen för att fortfarande få någon närhet som kunde lugna mig lite utan att förhoppningsvis vara allt för jobbig. Jag darrade på handen när jag ville försöka hålla hans hand. Jag va livrädd att han skulle rycka bort den, bli irriterad... Jag är så skadad...men istället tog han tag o kröp närmare. Jag brast o grät tyst, i ren chock. Han är så fin, hur fan kunde jag lära känna en så fin person?

Jag vet att jag satt under dagen o tänkte på allt jag ville berätta, att jag skulle samla mod o bara få ur det, få prata med nån om allt kaos i huvet. Att verkligen våga säga hur illa det är.. Men ju mer jag försökte ju ledsnare blev jag, tillslut kände jag att de spelar ingen roll, han skulle ändå inte lyssna, varför skulle någon bry sig om det som tynger mig. Och det känns så orättvist, för jag tror inte alls att han skulle reagera så egentligen. Men där och då i stunden så är det nått som övertyga mig,en liten röst inombords som säger hur dålig jag är och hur obetydlig och vilken börda jag är i världen o för alla mina nära o kära. Och det bara brister, för på nått sätt är det alltid lättare och tro på det än att någon skulle ha en enda genuin god tanke om mig. Förlåt, jag är ledsen att jag är så skadad... Jag önskar verkligen jag var bättre.

"-Den lever om ganska rejält när man använder den

-haha jaså? Jag hade aldrig kunnat jobba på en sån arbetsplats

-Nähe, varför då?

*fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck,nej... inte så här...*

-Nä jag hade bara inte det"

För jag får panikångest av höga ljud och får ren panik om jag inte kan springa o gömma mig och kryp ihop till en boll. Ja jag har ptsd men jag vill inte säga det, för jag vägrar erkänna det för mig själv... I'm so sorry I'm this damaged, I'm sorry I can't be better, that I'm not flawles, that I'm broken beyond repair... I'm sorry I'm not a god person.

En sak som fastnat i mina tankar. Du smällde en garderobslucka lite för hårt och jag visste jag inte kunde fly, inte kan visa den här sidan av mig, så jag satt och skrapa bort färg helt maniskt och pedant, bara för o få kontrollen tillbaka... Jag vart rädd. Rädd för att bli slagen. Förlåt att jag inte sa något. Jag kan bara inte, jag blir så rädd. Jag är så ledsen att jag blir rädd för dig ibland, för jag vet att det inte är ďu som någonsin gjort något, jag klara bara inte av o lita på människor. fast jag verkligen vill... så vågar jag inte. Jag är så rädd hela tiden... en gång när grannarna bråkade och det hördes genom vägarna blev jag så rädd att jag låste in mig i badrummet med min hund och sov med honom i badkaret. Jag har lärt mig att dölja paniken, men den finns fortfarande där. Jag vill inte känna så här. Tabletterna gör allt värre just nu dessutom.

Han såg att jag gjort illa mig igen och jag kunde inte säga nått. Jag kunde inte säga att det inte va första gången senaste tiden. Jag kunde inte säga att de var i ren panik över allt som händer just nu. Att de var ett tvång att få känna att jag har kontrollen över min egna kropp, att de är jag som bestämmer vad som händer med den. Att det va i ren desperation ett sätt att bevisa för mig själv att jag är vaken och inte i en mardröm, att jag befinner mig i verkligheten.

När jag sov där tätt intill honom drömde jag nått nytt, något som förvirrar mig. Jag drömde vi var i mamma o pappas hus, jag va ute på gården och tjafsade nått om jobbet med han, min vän jag sov bredvid i verkligheten, när plötsligt min klasskompis från grundskolan skriker ut till oss att hennes lillebror kvävs, han kan inte andas. Jag sprang in till köket o där låg han på golvet o var spastisk. Ca 7 år gammal. Jag föll på knä och dunka i ryggen, försökte se in i munnen försökte med alla knep jag kunde. Plötsligt satt hans storebror intill och frågade vad han skulle göra o jag skrek gång på gång ring ambulans. Tillslut gjorde han det, satte på högtalare, jag prata med räddningscentralen och fortsatte leta felet. Så såg jag hur ansiktet och halsen började vitna, hur halspulsådern mörkade och blev större. Jag skrek dem måste skynda sig, han får inte blod. Jag vet nu i vaket tillstånd att de där var inte logiskt, men i drömmen kändes de verkligt, hur pulsådern växte som en ballong som fylls med vatten. Jag visste att kommer dem inte snart spricker ådern o då är det kört. Kort där efter gör den det. Den spricker och blodet sprutar över mig, jag täcks snabbt av den lilla pojkens blod, håller så hårt jag kan för o stoppa blodflödet men det är försent... Och jag får panik och grinar. Jag kunde inte rädda pojken... allt står som still, med oss täcka i blod och jag som krampaktigt försöker få det att sluta. Så kom han, min vän, in och sa att det är okej, du gjorde allt, satte sig på knä och kramade mig lugnt o försiktigt, trotts hela jag va dränkt i blod. Just efter det vaknade jag. Jag måste gjort ljud ifrån mig, för min vän vakna o tittade på mig. Jag minns bara att jag låg o tittade på han o försökte fatta vad som just hänt. Så krama han om mig, som om han visste, fast jag vet han knappt va vid medvetande. Och det var fint. Det var nytt. De va något jag kände som jag inte kan sätta ord på, för de ha jag aldrig upplevt tidigare. Jag vet inte vad det var, mer än att jag trotts mardrömmen mådde bra och somnade snabbt om, trygg o varm, utan fler drömmar. Det här skrämmer mig något fruktansvärt, för jag har aldrig blivit "räddad" i en mardröm tidigare och jag har aldrig någonsin sovit vid någon som fått mig att sova drömlös.

Varför blev det så? Det här går inte, jag får absolut inte fortsätta såhär. Jag måste göra nått åt det, även om det sårar oss båda, men jag kan bara inte tillåta mig att bli bekväm med honom, jag vill inte riskera att jag en dag upptäcker att gnistan har tänds, att jag håller på bli kär påriktigt. Aldrig. Nej. Värst skulle va omhan tillslut kände så. Han gör sig så mycket bättre utan mig i sitt liv. Jag är en levande farsot, man ska hålla sig borta, för jag vill inte såra, inte göra någon illa. Men mina problem har alltid påverkat andra, och jag kan bara aldrig tillåta det hända honom. Måste jag såra honom för o skydda honom? Mitt hjärta brister redan i tanken på det, särskilt som jag har lovat att inte gå. Men jag kan leva med det, trotts att de alltid kommer göra ont, trots det alltid kommer göra ont. Men kan jag rädda honom från mig så kan de vara värt det. But it hurts like hell, cause I do like him, and care for him. That's why I need to treasure him and make sure he won't get hurt anymore, by not excist in his world.... this will be fucking hard and I cry already. Cause I know I will always regret it. And I'm not sure I'm strong enouh. Fuck. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I excist. And it damn sure is the anxiety who's talking right now.