#like. normal brains don't function like this do they
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As someone who is on a mood stabilizer(lamotrigine, in fact) what's happening to the people in these screenshots is not what happens to the average person who has hobbies and fandom-adjacent interests. My meds have never stopped me from loving with my whole chest, instead they simply give me the ability to balance my intense love of things with my real life wants and needs in a healthier way. They give me the ability to stop playing Minecraft before I give myself a migraine, or stop thinking about my OTP long enough that I can make a phone call and actually focus during it, that sort of thing. I don't stop having hyperfixations, I just am able to have one and also have a functional life too.
But these people were clearly missing something important in their lives that's place was filled by a truly unhealthy obsession(or like. had mold poisoning. that person is an outlier dw). They use the word hyperfixation but like, I don't think that's really what's going on. This isn't a bog standard hyperfixation on like Hero Academia or WWDITS, these were obsessions with real living celebrities, and fandoms for celebrities tend to take a dive into conspiratorial thinking and vague cult-y behavior REAL fast. Like, I mean, you can be a fan of a celebrity or band and be normal about it ofc, but I see the conspiratorial thinking pop up a lot more and faster in fandoms for real people. Genuinely combing over every single thing Taylor Swift has ever done or said 500 billion times to compile a dissertation on how she's been subliminally telling her fans for years now that's she's gay and attacking everyone who says otherwise because they don't get it and are just homophobes and like, fucking stalking and threatening her ex-boyfriends and spending every spare moment of every day posting about it with other people who are doing the same....that's not healthy. That's not a normal special interest or hyperfixation. That's clearly someone who is missing something crucial in their lives, be it connection with other people or stable brain chemistry or a community, and filling that hole with something similar but extremely dysfunctional shared with a community of people who are also unhealthily obsessed and thus promote and encourage unhealthy fixations and conspiratorial thinking at the expense of every single part of the rest of their lives. This is on the same level as like, someone's grandma who has always kinda been convinced Elvis' death was faked and in 2016 accidentally fell down the Q Anon rabbit hole, not someone who thinks about their blorbos holding hands before they fall asleep at night and is begging for someone to ask them about the tv show they're from so they can info-dump.
And like yeah fandoms can get you like that too, I've gotten too deep before and fallen in with conspiratorial thinking(almost always around ships tbh) and whenever I get out I feel pretty ashamed of letting that free dopamine and validation roller coaster make me act like someone I'm not, and ofc some fans will stalk and harass the people behind their favorite show or movie for ship validation or write up massive conspiracy boards about how "xyz ship is def endgame trust us see we connected the dots and we will destroy the lives of anyone who disagrees including the people who make the damn show" like I was at Phoenix Comic Con the year Andrew Hussie got mobbed(but not in the mob!! thankfully I didn't get caught up in all that!!), I know how fandoms can be, but overall what's happening in these images isn't something the average fan needs to worry about. If you aren't writing conspiracy boards about celebrities sexualities or an OTP and harassing the celebrities/creators about it, sending death threats to real people who disagree with your theory or like other ships, and spending every spare second of every day posting and talking about them to the point that you literally, physically, don't have time or energy for anything else then you don't need to worry about meds making you not like your favorite webcomic as much anymore. What these people are going through is framed through the lens of fandom, but was far closer to going to a Flat Earth Convention in terms of actual behavior and outcomes.
Your meds shouldn't make you stop liking things entirely. When I think about not liking things I genuinely loved as much as I used to I get a little sad because I miss them, when I think about getting riled up because I believed a show runner was specifically trying to spite ME I feel embarrassed, and I'm glad I stopped doing it and moved on to things that actually make me happy and aren't borderline conspiracy theories. That's the difference. These people aren't sad, they are straight up happy to be out, talking about how it's wild to look at the insane things they believed, and putting focus on how their lives are better now. They clearly don't miss these things because they've moved on. Or, in the case of the BTS person and probably the swifties, they still do like the artist or actor or band, they just aren't Obsessed(tm) with them to a truly unhealthy, world-view altering degree anymore. They can still love these artists and actors without that obsessive love taking over their entire lives.
So nah. The average fan does not need to worry about meds doing this to you. These people were outliers in unhealthy situations that improved when they got the things they were missing. That's almost certainly not what's going to happen to you.
(But also yeah even if you do find your interests changing, that's not always a bad thing. Interests change, we find new things to love all the time, it doesn't invalidate the joy we found and friendships we made to recognize that now we want to post about a different show or movie or comic. That's just how life is, we change.)
And if you don't like the way meds make you feel, you can tell your doctor and stop taking them. There are some meds out there that make me into a zombie that no longer cared about anything at all. And so I stopped taking them, told my doctor, and we worked something else out. Don't be afraid of change, but also, if it sucks hit the bricks.
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It's so comforting to realize that since the self-imposed rules I put upon myself are completely made up, I can change them to make myself more comfortable. I forget about that all the time X'3
#dru speaks#dru vents#like just now i was scrolling through the videos on idkbecks's page that were tagged as dallon#with the rule in mind that once i get 12 notes i'll stop#but the number was stuck at 9 and i was getting burnt out from doing that and i wanted to move onto something else#so i was like 'oh man i hope those 3 notes roll in soon' and i hit 10 notes before i realized. i could just stop now#no one says i need to keep going until i hit 12 except for me. so if i don't like that i can change it#and another example of that is that when i'm bored i cycle through the same three mobile games#and for one of them when i get to it i do whatever the next game mode in the list of modes there is#except there's one i don't really like to do#but tonight i just realized. i can totally just skip over it#no one's making me play it if i don't want to#y'know i think i'm obsessed with routine and having a certain order of doing things to like. an unusual degree#like. normal brains don't function like this do they#idk
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i swear if you people start uwuifying OCD like you did with ADHD and autism I'm going to start attacking
#the general idea of what OCD is already so fucking wrong and harmful#if you start being like 'oh my little meow meow is so OCD' or 'its not a disorder its just a different way of thinking uwu'#I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL#ALL OF MY EARLIEST CHILDHOOD MEMORIES FROM AGE 3 AND UP ARE OF HAVING PANIC ATTACKS#PLEASE GO FUCK YOURSELVES THIS IS A MISERABLE FUCKING DISORDER ITS NOT CUTE ITS NOT QUIRKY ITS THE REASON I HAD GRAY HAIR AS A TEENAGER#i saw this like 'i let the intrusive thoughts win' isn't something people use all the time for like dying their fucking hair#its exhausting how many people what to be all 'mental illness needs to be more accepted'#and then in the next sentence want to deny that your mental illness is actually harmful to you and doesn't negatively affect you#and its just because society doesn't accept your different way of thinking uwu#NO I LITERALLY WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF AS A TEENAGER IF SOMEONE HAD CONVINCED ME THAT MY MENTAL ILLNESS WAS NORMAL AND FINE#figuring out that something was Wrong with my brain was like the best moment of my life#and this 'no you just think differently don't try to change' attitude may be helpful in SOME CASES#but that shit needs to me pulled back on A LOT online because that framing can be extremely harmful to some people (like me)#knowing exactly what is wrong with my brain is literally the only way I'm able to not let it affect me#and it not affecting me is literally the only way I can function and live happily#like you understand that some people do genuinely have things wrong with them#and telling them they don't is beyond cruel
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I feel so inadequate today. I'm on this job without training or guidance or experience, and I'm fucking up a lot. And I don't have answers for some questions. And it's not my fault because I was never trained by anyone and I figured most of it out myself, but I hate feeling powerless in anything.
#personal#I'm also just scatter-brained so I make mistakes everywhere which is exhausting. I wish my brain functioned normally.#but I have zero talent or experience in things so I can't really find another job.... where I feel more confident#I'm only confident in customer service jobs..... because I'm good at anticipating other people's needs (quality I have and don't want)#on top of me feelings like this today I'm hungry all the time with zero appetite so food makes me nauseous#and while I was nauseous and overstimulted God was like#'Are you ready for fire alarm going of four times a row because your neighbor fucked up?'#do y'all mind if I....... die.
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#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad#bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young#and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder#but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small#and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible#grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing#and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is#probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a#fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong#with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality#and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever#as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun#its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to#read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like#yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess#i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she#clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate#unrelated
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It is so goddamn bizarre when you finally get meds that actually kinda work and you realize that your baseline for normality was buried so deep it could've struck oil.
#like I don't feel Great#this is just day one#but i'm back on the antidepressants that I know actually help#and I've just started adderall#and while I am just kind of going rapid fire through various mild side effects like I did with the wellbutrin#I uh....i feel okay#brain is quiet#i feel present and not muddied#do people actually just feel like this normally???#just rollin out the pussy with a functioning brain chemistry???#wild
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#reminder for my brain and also chanting it so it sticks#i don't want to die#i enjoy things in life#i have hobbies and things i like and it's ok not to be 100% into the 100% of the time#the mood will pass. i'm about to get my period. i know this and i know this is the reason i feel like shit#i'm not hopeless and i do care about things and people#people also care about me#my decisions are mine alone and i don't need permission to do whatever i want#i am not a burden on people#i will feel better next week when my period starts and the brain fog lifts#it is not the end of the world and i still have time to do things i don't need to force myself#there will be other oportunities and they'll come when i can take them#goddamnit just function like a normal human being for the love of god#IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING DEEP#ok i'm done#angel talks#personal
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its so fun :)) and awesome :)) that i cannot fucking make my brain focus on my homework :))) holy shit im gonna kill someone :)) why can't my brain just work for five fucking minutes :)) this is easy homework too I just can't concentrate on it at all :)) and it's due tomorrow morning :)))
#yes I AM bitching about physics again#having a hyperfixation is stupid and awful and fucking sucks#Jesus Christ stop thinking about toh for FIVE MINUTES#and physics is like. I struggle with it. I'm slow#I need all of my brainpower to focus and problem solve but I genuinely!! Cannot!! Focus!!!#It's so insane. All comprehension skills go out the window#if I fail this class then I'm genuinely fucked like. I can't even begin to describe how screwed I am if I fail this class#Or even if I pass this class but barely understand it#and it goes so fast and i don't have anyone I can go to for help#with calc 2 I was going to the tutoring center every week!!!#but I can't do that!!! And I don't know anyone who knows physics#and it's not like I have friends in the class :))) because I'm so socially stunted it's embarrassing :))))#Jesus fucking Christ I can't function like a normal person#my brain has just been completely rotted from two years of doing nothing but bullshit art projects and now I've lost all critical thinking#im just frustrated because this isn't even the difficult part#SHE LITERALLY TOLD US WHAY TO DO IN CLASS#I JUST FUCKINH. CANNOT. FOCUS OR EVEN COMPREGEND IT#AND I WROTE DOWN EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAID AND IT MADE SENSE IN CLASS#BUT NOW MY BRAIN IS ALL FUZZY AND I CANNT UNDERSTAND A WORD#AND I PROCRASTICATED ALL WEEKEND BECAUSE. I COULD NOT FUCKING FOCUS#BECAUSE OOOOHHH MAYBE ILL JUST MAGICALLY START FOCUSINH IF I WAIT LONG ENOUGH#NOPE!#FUCK ME I GUESS#THIS IS DUE TOMORROW SO I HAVE TO GET THIS DONE#ITS LIKE MY BRAIN IS SLUDGE I CAN'T THINK CLEARLY AT ALL#if i can't do well in this course then. um. i don't wanna say my life is ruined but. it fucks up so many things for me#I don't know dude I just can't wrap my head around this kind of stuff and I'm stressed#lilac post#im aware im being self pitying and this won't help me but im feeling bitchy 2nite
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#my inability to function like a normal person in group settings......... i'd say it should be studied but ig it has been 💀💀💀#we'll be sitting in a circle and i will somehow end up sitting behind someone like truly a skill#also the places ive been in over the past week that have been too full of people & had some ppl coughing#here we go again being nervous my thoat instantly feels weird like okay ms psychosomatic. calm down#anyways 😮💨😮💨😮💨#i genuinely don't know what to do either in those situations like brain = quiet and then i end up listening in on ppl's convos and smiling#along & probably looking like a creep but 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
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ironic that after all these years advocating for photosensitivity warnings, i'm only just now realising i have probably had epilepsy that whole time too. doesn't help that my dad didn't know about the existence of focal seizures
#now a few days after the fact: i maybe just forgot to watch my electrolytes 🤦#hoping i don't make a health tag#the past week or so has been Unusually rough on me in that regard and i was having so many gaps in normal cognitive functioning i was like#hm. and i then remembered like ten different times over as many years that i've had similar brain disturbances#and like... chalked it up to having been frightened by something that was going on? but i was very much actually afraid of my brainfuck#anyway i did at least get disturbed by enough of these events strongly enough that i could actually put together a retroactive diary.#so i will be doing that. and gently holding cold metal against my vagus nerve in the meantime until i have my doctor's appointment.#it has been helping! so that's something
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im so so sad i wish i could be an adult
#does anyone else get terrified of the fact they will never be an adult and adequately perform adulthood in any capacity#it might be subjective but i know i can't. everyone around us can without question but the moment i try my brain fails#im terrified of doing anything to escape this household bc i will be all on omy own#and i know i can't do that i will not survive but i have no choice and no support system i have NO ONE to rely on i have no outside contact#im so so scared. i was not taught any of the life skills and ilack the capacity to think or act like an adult and i know it's not something#i can acquire at all because everyone did by now. everyone did i wish i wasnt perpetually left behind and flailing trying to stay afloat#i hate everyone around me who set us up for failure i hate them for not being able to provide me at least the care and support i need#if i can hold down a job and that's very very questionable i will at least be happy with myself. that's something.#it's scary and so alienating snd i wouldn't wish it upon anyone i just can't function on the same level#something tells me it's okay bc normal brains supposedly don't finish developing til 25 but this is not considering developmental disability#but im so scared of being seen as incompetent and unserious and unreliable when we're already in our twenties#i wish someone could relate#maybe it's something to do with my source too as a system but i still genuinely feel like not a single thing changed since our teens i feel#so stuck and so stunted#i am nothing. perhaps.#vent#? idont even knoe
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Wish I had more of that stereotypical "refined genius psychopath mystery villain" vibes and less "dysfunctional no sleep cycle can't tell when/if they have emotions traumatized mess doesn't feel like a human paranoid future true crime psychopath" vibes. So that was word salad. Moving on.
#i have been described as a genius but unfortunately the#aspd and other mental illnesses mess with my impulse control and risk vs return and energy/motivation levels#so it kind of gets in the way of showing off my intelligence most of the time#which probably makes me less insufferable but also leads to some people underestimating me#or just thinking of me as too much of a mess in general#both of which i hate#and when it comes to the 'coolness/sophistication factor' vs 'unfortunate creature that needs to stop interacting with humans vibe' well.#trust me i would go into seclusion for the rest of time if it was financially viable and if#my various projects didn't require working with other people#ugh I'm not really that upset today I'm just frustrated by my brain#also my body and other people and the universe and the concept of time but that's a whole different subject#sometimes the stars align and it's like the best aspects of everything 'wrong' with me are displaying at once#and i actually feel like myself and like myself#then something shifts idk but the worse things start showing again and the best bits lose some of their influence and#suddenly I'm struggling to get through a day with a decent level of functionality and without engaging in destructive behaviors#the AND is very important because i can usually do or. At least i have that i guess#today i don't feel like a person i feel like a poorly written character who's been brought into real life#only to find out that when faced with normal everyday problems#their fucked up little traits are way more of a disadvantage than they thought#i could probably blame it on the trauma or the aspd or a million other things#but maybe it's just because i am the person i am#and idk how to feel about that#just want the stars to align again
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ok well. just went to see a neuropsychologist and all she asked me were the standard questions you find in every internet autism test. which i KNOW don't apply to me ("do you find it difficult to infer people's intentions", "do you find it difficult to read between the lines" etc) and like she was literally reading off of her computer and asking me to pick one of the options between "strongly agree" and "strongly disagree" and it's like girl i could have done that at home. sure hope she's not stopping there and that she's not gonna just look at what i said but at the way i said it. idk it irked me that she just pulled up the old (as in outdated and reductive) standardised test on her computer and acted as if those questions would make me question myself like girl i've done this test fifteen times. not only is it not going to tell you anything about me but it's not going to tell you anything about most people. and most autistics. and she did suggest i come back for a more formal and global assessment, but she also kept using the words "cognitive deficit" to describe autism. which i realise is a commonly used term, but it feels reductive idk. so overall i'm not overjoyed with how this went lol.
#i'm sure she was reading between the lines etc#but the mere fact that she used that test (which is like 5 questions long and only applies to a small portion of autistic people)#rubbed me the wrong way#ok ok i need to tell myself that she knows what she's doing and she didn't stop at the questions#because i pretty much gave the neurotypical answer to all of her questions in terms of which button to click#but then i was like yeah i can read between the lines i've been analysing people my entire life it's my favourite hobby#ok yeah she probably knows what she's doing and isn't stopping at the stupid questions#i have to believe that otherwise i just threw 60€ down the drain#oh also she kept asking why i wanna know i was like girl idk i just do!!!#if i don't know for sure what the fuck is wrong with me soon i'm gonna die i think i'm going to spontaneously combust#she asked me three times. like but WHY do you wanna know?? what is it going to accomplish?? my peace of fucking mind that's what#idk why people are always like why do you wanna know why do you have to put a label on everything#ummm this isn't a fucking aesthetic ok we're talking about knowing the reason why i can't fucking function yeah i wanna know!!!#and if it's not autism (which i'm not sure i trust this woman to tell me) then it's something else bc there's no way i'm just normal lol#i need a diagnosis i just do it's not going to accomplish anything tangible i just need to understand things and most of all my own brain#oof i need to calm down i'm getting worked up
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anyway if you miss learning the way you used to learn as a kid you have to just like. Stop filtering sensory perceptions through "thoughts." "just do it" "Lose the ego" "Become one with the flow" etc, what these guys are all describing is just not putting your sensory stimulus between too many complicated thought pathways. Like when you're "not thinking" you're still going to experience things/record them/behave like a person but you're just putting a pause on filtering the sensory patterns you find distinct through your pre-existing probability affecting pathways. Without thinking you already have like automatic mechanisms of pattern recognition, and when learning a new skill like a language or basketball or dancing trying to push your behaviors through pre-existing connections to previous environments will Not Help because like. You don't already know how to do those things bruv. it will be easier to attach your motivational/reward/ corrective mechanisms (the sensation of emotion) to the new stimuli (how your body is moving in response to the new cues you're looking at/paying attention to) if you don't filter your attention through the momentarily excess processing space of pre-existing connections.
#personal#this is so embarrassing tho like yes this is how i think in my brain but i promise that im a normal guy like i can talk to people in social#situations and everything i love literature ok guys like im just saying anything can be abstracted to a point of no understanding and then#reconstructed to a state of new understanding because that's just physically how the mechanisms that create "understanding” as a concept#function okay like you do you don't have an identity crisis you're yourself by definition in every moment you exist babe ok
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#i don't know what I'm supposed to do about being too self-aware for therapy#like im sorry that i can't convince myself into a level of delusion in order to function in this society#cuz that's basically what CBT is#just talking yourself into certain mindsets until they stick#but like#i can't get past the fact that that is literally self-inflicted brain trauma?#like ok the output might be positive#aka being able to do the dishes without having a panic attack#but i cannot get to that point because im aware that im just attempting to trick myself into a state of delusion#i know it works for so many people#but i cannot just convince myself that i'm mentally healthy#i do not get dopamine or seratonin from completing tasks or taking care of myself like “normal” brains do#and forcing myself to reframe my thought process isn't going to change that#I can only distract myself so much ya know?#i'm just frustrated that the answer to my brain being the way it is is to just force it to be a different way#but that's literally TRAUMA like is anyone gonna wake the fuck up to that????#did you know that our brains are almost exactly the same brains as the early homosapiens??? aka literal cavemen?#I'm working with A CAVEMAN brain that just wants to do specific little tasks and be creative#and also fulfill a specific role in a community#now in this current society we have to fulfill ALLLL the roles#the cleaning the cooking the planning the scheduling etc etc etc#i simply do not have the brain for all of that#plus im TIRED#because i have adhd and probably have autism so im using every last drop of my energy to just survive#so I don't have energy for all the “extra” stuff#which unfortunately for me includes things like laundry and vacuuming and hobbies and seeing friends and being active and touching grass#and this expensive ass therapist is just going to try to convince me that i in fact *do* have the energy and i just need to feel my feeling#and stop telling myself i cant#im not telling myself anything#like does *anyone* fucking get it???
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i need to stop reading articles about the adhd medication shortage because every time i do i see some god-awful take that fills me with rage. today i read an article that said "people who take adderall to ''feel normal'' are likely to experience withdrawal symptoms". like. people who take adderall to feel normal as opposed to what exactly????? like of course i'm taking brain medication to make my brain feel normal that's literally what it's for????
#i think they're getting at the idea that some people only take it when they need to be productive at work or school#and like. my buddy. my pal. i hate to break it to you. but these people are able to do things bc the meds make their brain feel normal.#like never mind that ''only take your meds for work/school'' bullshit. like sure i only deserve to be functional to make that $$$!!!!#fuck me and my hobbies and my social life we're all worthless unless we're a functioning cog in the machine of capitalism <3#GOD i am so tired of ppl who don't know anything about adhd and their fucking opinions#but i'm reading articles to determine what medication is least affected by the shortage so i can switch#i will try anything. i am coping so poorly right now ladies xoxo <3#m.txt
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