#like. i Know I'm overthinking this i Know it's irrational but. i'm just so hurt by the fact that i hurt him

[goyurim]

exceptionally talented girls are on tumblr oversharing about their mistakes in the tags

[noxtivagus]

hdfalksjdflkasdfa

[anemoiashifts]

Hi, I keep struggling and I would love your advice because you're just amazing and I feel comfort in your blog. How do I stop holding myself back? I have terrible overthinking problems, to the point I've been in and out of therapy for a long time, anyways, I constantly worry my DR will hurt me instead of make me feel at home. This is the same with my DR s/o. I deeply love both of these things and know deep down they're apart of me and my home. But I constantly get invasive thoughts over it everytime I remotely think about attempting to shift, I so badly want to shift to my DR. But I'm stuck in this endless cycle of self sabotage and torturing myself mentally. Any advice?

hello anon ! 🫶🏻 i struggle a lot with overthinking that stems from anxiety & probably a lower self confidence then most — oddly enough, not in regards to shifting, though. i totally get the vicious cycle & how paralyzing it can be & the almost guilt that comes with it. so, this isn’t really shifting advice but more so cbt skills that i learned in inpatient a few summer ago that can be applied to your situation.

being mindful of my thoughts during the day & writing them down in a journal & separating them into irrational vs rational thoughts helped me to become more aware of what thought led up to another thought & to define when it stopped being rational. to apply this to shifting, the irrational thought would be “what if my dr s/o cheats on me” to “lots of people have this worry & i have scripted “xyz” to prevent this.” i know it’s not that simple & you may not believe it right away but know the negative mind isn’t rational at all. it thrives off of “what if’s”. like i said this is a cbt skill & not general shifting advice & skills take time to build up overtime. don’t be so hard on yourself. this is something im still learning to be better about myself, so if you think you���re alone in this you’re not.

doing things out of your comfort zone may also benefit you. it doesn’t have to be something like jumping out of a airplane but if you’re scared to ask for ketchup at a restaurant, then try to do it. when you’re scared, your body is trying to protect you thus resulting in “fight or flight mode” & thinking up every worst case scenario & trying to figure out how to handle it. it’s a survival skill that’s very human & since we don’t live in hunter / gatherer times, it presents itself in other ways. if you expose yourself to discomfort, within time, your body will adapt & find the thing you were scared to do not so scary anymore. it will then begin to fracture the cycle your body has built up.

secondly, having “starting” dr’s could help or building up a foundation by shifting to “safer” places first to (for lack of better wording) build up your tolerance to shifting & so your body knows what to expect & it maybe won’t be as scary when you do shift to a specific place you’ve had in mind. this could be something like a childhood home or even in another room in your home, perhaps?

i hope this helped anon. thank you for feeling comfortable enough to ask this, mental health isn’t always easy. best of luck 🤍 !

[evreeone]

pbpbpbp

woke up and almost immediately started having a hard time woke up tired already with a lot of spinal pain and Overthinking and it kind of hurts to realize i am ending this year a bit worse than how i started both physically and like. As a Person. i'm not who i want to be, i was getting closer to how i wanted to be, but then it sort of all took a nose dive and i feel like a mostly unpleasant person on the general whole instead of a more welcoming presence. maybe that's me in my head, but i really do feel i've become more negative and gripy and whiny which is ironic because here i am griping and whining about it also Once Again reflecting on how little was accomplished this year. i feel bordering on absolutely nothing. i'm just really tired of being tired. tired of being in pain too. :[ i'm tired of having so many things i want to do and my chronic fatigue and chronic pain and failing health all taking up so much brain space i can't bring myself to focus enough to do anything else. i'm neglecting myself in some ways, i think. or, i know. but i've been trying really hard in others, like trying to eat better and be more physically active. but my body is still continuing to degrade to where i'm not sure how long i can continue to be active at all wish i had an answer for any of it but every time i think about how i haven't gotten an answer yet i think about how my dad was ignored and neglected by doctors until he ended up so far on death's door that he couldn't be brought back around, and only near the end did he finally get a diagnosis, and then i kind of spiral a bit which, i forgot i have an ongoing c***** scare [censored for my own sake, thinking about the word in relation to myself freaks me out so badly and there's this irrational fear that saying it directly will make it real] hanging over my head too which is not something to think about if i want my day to improve but here we are

[poppywriter]

❀ Pansy n°7 = I'm "over"-everything.

To begin, yes, it is tiring. It’s impossibly tiring to be this prone to overwhelming. 

It never was a secret that I am an overthinker. Like my brain literally never f*cking stops, always fuming and reeling. It caused me too many insomnias - the images, sounds, memories and information in my head running and distorting without break. It’s insufferable.

Yet, that's not all. Sadly it is also difficult to survive overthinking on a daily basis. Especially in a social environment. My brain is just… dying. The world feels and seems constantly against me. I always think that everyone around me is watching and judging my every move. Looking out for the small moments when I’ll mess up and be cringe.

So it’s difficult to allow myself to act as I want because I feel like I will be judged and hated either way, never belonging to the unity. Like I am bound to stand out, to be left out by the social group. To try and avoid that, my brain analyzes everything and everyone but often is irrational. Because I over analyze how people see me, what they might think or feel; but in the end I am just projecting my fears onto them way too much. Yet, I end up stuck, struggling to fit in, alone up in my head thinking I’m not interesting, weird, not worth anyone’s time and hated by everyone.

Nice right ? :) 

My mind just tricks me to believe that I am the worst and cringiest person in the world. I have been told before that I question myself too much. In fact, I prefer to - and cannot help but - analyze every situation in which I could be the source of a problem before blaming the other party. I also try to find many excuses for others. Maybe I am too gullible and try too much to see the good in people, or that I’ve been used to caring for others before myself. The problem with this is that unconsciously I expect the same train of thought from others when most times it is not the case. Sadly, it ended up hurting me as it is easy for people to take advantage of my overthinking.

→ Toxic people (narcissistic perverts…) like to make you feel guilty - often through gaslighting - and overthinkers are the pros for that… :/

However, my cousin has been teaching me to find the positive side of those habits that I don’t like. And I came to the conclusion that this habit made me more observant and that when my worries are communicated it makes for good and deep conversations. Apparently it also makes people question themselves more - or so I’ve been told :/.

Therefore I try to be more kind to myself and calm my overthinking by communicating. It’s not easy everyday… But it is so important. As important as speaking about your feelings.

I’m still learning how good it is for oversensitive people like me. I’ve always struggled to speak up about my emotions because I always thought they didn’t have value or importance or even that I was being overdramatic, faking it. it was like I never had a good enough reason to express myself and make people lose time on me, like I’m not worth it.

So I always second guess myself and think about the true worth of communicating what’s bothering me. Because if it’s little and I’m just blowing it or that in the end it turns out I was tricking myself and faking it unconsciously, I’ll just feel ultra guilty of wasting someone’s time and energy. Especially as I strive to make people around me feel good, safe, heard and comfortable (with me). And I know I tend to blow things out of proportion. Like I feel horrible when someone makes a tiny and precise criticism about my work even though I did all the rest well. Because it’s like I disappoint them by not doing good enough. 

The problem with me is that “good enough” has to be as close to “perfect” as possible. Simply because if I put energy in it I should go 100% and nail it. If it’s not the case then why waste time and embarrass myself ? Though I’ve been trying to understand - more to assimilate - that everyone’s 100% is different and even that every day’s 100% is different. And that’s completely okay and normal.

I’ve just been taught at school that you have to keep a high constant of activity even though it’s obviously not possible. 

Disappointing people is one of my greatest fears. I think that might be why I take things too personally all the time. So many times I tear up when someone makes a remark to a group I belong to, and even if I shouldn’t feel concerned I question myself and feel horrible. “I should’ve thought of it.”“I should’ve done it.”“I didn’t do good.” I hardly let myself fail as I haven’t failed much. So I pressure myself to keep my high average by being the most excellent. Yet I can hardly hold on anymore… It’s logical that I end up burned out. I overdid it and now I'm over it.

I am over with life.

At least that is what I think a lot but I’m working on it. I am trying to be done with being over-pessimistic. It’s not over for me, and if it’s not for you either, dear reader… Then,...

Let’s get over it together <3. 

✿❀✿

🔺Original work please do not steal or copy, Thanks.🔺

[colorfuldream]

Hey guys if there's any creator on here that may weight in on this vent it would be nice

So I have those stories. Premises are pretty generic dystopian stuff. Obviously there's going to be stories that are similar right? Well there's one, that some people I vaguely know have mentioned. I check it out because they praise it. I hate it for (very valid IMO) reasons. It goes against what what I want to write is about. So no problem right? No. There's a few things that are TOO close for my comfort. But it's stuff I CANNOT change. So me, in my entire mentally ill glory, get scared that when I finally do them I'll get compared to it and be called a copycat.

No harm though, I can just ignore these IF it ever happens yeah? The problem is that I, as an artist, am not good enough yet. Let's be honest I'm barely mid, especially with digital. So in my mind, it won't just be me being unoriginal and stealing stuff, it will be me doing a shit job at it.

Now, luckily, it's a story with a small following. No mass comments about it, no cancelling for being a dirty thief possible. It's even on smaller platforms!

But. There's always a but. The author didn't stop there, (and good for them!) they got picked up by a bigger platform for another story. Still, different audiences, different languages. The new story isn't what bothers me though. It's the fact that the English platform picked it up recently. So now they have an international audience! Good for them! I don't like their stuff but that's a great achievement!

Still part of me is upset and scared. That means they will now be more noticed. They might grow a bigger fanbase through this and, of course, they will check their other works. So That One Story may get more popular. And my (irrational) fears kick back in. I know it's petty and dumb. I never even really shared what I wanted to do anywhere, except maybe here in some tags, so my brain interprets that as a bad look. Like yeah no proof that it was planned even when I never knew of its existence. I'm going into overthinking mode. I thought I maybe had time to hone my skills and begin sharing it, maybe even build a small audience and get a person or two to know about it. Kind of a "well if they get picked up, at least I have some time to build my own foundation and I will be able to withstand comments". But now, I don't. And I don't have skills or the time to begin now. My mind is screaming that time has run out or that it will so I MUST either give up or do it. But my plans include that specific part of the story to arrive later. Later is too late though. I need the set-up, the practice! Yet it yells I don't have time. If I don't push it fast, I'll have to give it up. I need to get ahead and try to lessen the damage, build something before the other person gets more known and everything is ruined.

It's stupid, it truly is. There's no guarantee they will get that big. Well, I do wish for them they will, but you get the gist. There's no guarantee my stuff would ever be noticed or known either. There's no guarantee my daydreams will become real, good or bad. No one but me may ever make a connection, no one but me would think lesser of me for it, no one but me would dislike it.

Yet my mind is screaming, my heart is hurting. It feels like my dreams have been shattered, snatched away before I could even try. I'm angry. I'm sad. I have no idea what the Hell is going on.

[journalofanangel]

what causes me to self destruct?

the fear of losing, the fear of missing out, the fear of disappointing someone (regardless of our relationship or how close we are), the fear of being hurt or abandoned... i also overthink and blame myself and can't separate myself from my thoughts and emotions.

I feel pressured, ashamed, and anxious. I get a rush of adrenaline that is mostly, if not entirely, shame and anxiety. I get nervous and, even if I feel like I'm thinking clearly, I'm still irrational and I can't put two and two together. this might have to do with my disorders unfortunately.

If you label yourself as a bad person, you’ll start to believe that something’s inherently wrong with you and that you’ll never improve. Instead, by thinking of yourself as a good, worthy person who makes mistakes, you give yourself permission to grow. (quote)

i struggle with understanding why my friends think im a good person, why they love me, or why they don't think I'm a horrible person. i feel a lot of shame around who I am, where I come from, and the lies I've told. i feel like I have so many reasons to feel horrible and I feel like others should think I'm horrible too.

i know there's something positive to take from this but I'll add that on later.

you could tell yourself that you are allowed to choose a healthy alternative to your self-destructive behavior. For instance, you could turn to alcohol when you’re in pain, but you’re also allowed to call your friend for support.

the important thing for my to remember is that I'm allowed to rely on people. i can't consistently rely on most of the people around me because I don't feel understood or safe around them. i feel like if i don't have someone to ground me, i spiral. i can ground myself at times but then i still get scared. i get scared so easily unfortunately.

my friends have told me it's okay to reach out and rely on them. it's okay to ask for help, it's okay to talk to them, it's okay. i never really feel safe around my family though. i feel so disgusting around them. they say they're happy to be part of these things but it feels so gross every time. i don't want to be around them.

i wanna feel safe... i wish this one friend could feel safe around me but with this kind of behaviour and this mindset, I get why she can't. i understand why.

i wanna find some healthier coping mechanisms that work in the moment, things that can help me slow down when I can't rely on others.. I'd like to not be so dependent.

If avoiding self-destruction is intensely difficult, try waiting 30 minutes to engage in the behavior instead of acting on the impulse right away.

I've tried this, I think I just need to dedicate myself to it. especially when I feel myself having doubts that end up being true...

Overcoming self-destructive behavior is not an overnight process. Practicing self-compassion and forgiveness is essential as you work toward healthier coping skills. When you’ve relied on self-destructive actions to numb your pain for so long, you likely feel some degree of mental, emotional, or physical addiction to the behaviors.

I always expect to heal overnight, I expect to fuck up once then never do it again.. I never expect kindness or forgiveness, i scare myself into acting how I think I "should" and then inevitably end up shaming myself into acting a certain way.

this is really hard. i feel horrible but I'm trying to improve, I just hate hurting people over and over like this. im tired of disappointing people. I've been tired of this. it's so hard being consistent. it's hard but I'm trying. I've stopped caring if people notice or if they care, this isn't about them at this point. it's for me and, inevitably, the people I love. i can't keep shaming myself and running away.

I should bring this up to my therapist. this can be something she helps me with. i want to stop focusing on the past and putting so much energy into feeling bad or being angry about what's already happened. I want to heal, I want to do better.

i want to love people without deeply wounding them. i know the hurt and the mistakes are inevitable, we're only human after all and love is a complicated thing, but I want to love them anyway.

I want to love and I want to be good. I want to feel whole and safe.

saturday march 4th 2023 2030

[ungalossimp]

Social anxiety and online interractions

(while being neurodivergent)

For context , I've been diagnosed with social phobia and generalized anxiety disorder -agoraphobia too, although I don't think it plays a role here. I'm austistic as well (diagnosed too)

Some people get really angry / annoyed about me not answering directly when they send me a message or an ask. I'm sorry about this. I wish I was able to do it.

For some social interractions are simple. For me it's not, and probably never will. I overthink, writing/ talking to people give me panic attacks.

My brain litteraly can't process things correctly, and interprets social interractions (or more precisely : social interractions going badly) as a deadly threat.

I get overwhelmed. I'm scared, insecure, and a lot of negative thoughts spiral in my head and I can't stop it.

Here's some of them :

✧･ What do they think when they see my blog on their dashboard ?

✧･ Do people even remember me ?

✧･ Do I look look desperate for attention - or on the contrary, do I look like I don't care ?

✧･ Are my posts and reblogs too boring ?Do they think nothing of it ?

✧･ Am I being a bother to my friends ? What if they weren't really my friends, what if they were just being polite and I misinterpreted things ?

✧･ What if I was a dead weight and everyone was too kind / polite to tell me so ?

✧･ What if I don't explain my points of view correctly, what if I mess up so much that the next sentence I'll write will hurt someone, and make them want to never speak to me again ?

✧･ What if they hated you because of how weird you are ?

It's hard to fight against this thought process. It's a cluster of thoughts that spiral again and again, sometimes it's there in the back of your mind and you don't even realize it.

It's hard to spot that my thoughts and insecurities are being irrational when I'm in the middle of it. It's hard to realize those fears are present to an anormal level.

Even when I know I'm not being 100% realistic, it's extremely difficult to not be affected by it.

Not to mention, my neurodiversity (autism) makes me second-guess every interractions, because I'm so scared to not have read social cues correctly.

I'm far better at it now, but when I grew up I used to feel like every interraction was a game and everyone knew the rules except me. It lead to a lot of misunderstandings and hurt.

At the time, I wasn't even diagnosed, so I internalized every "mistakes" of mine and blamed myself.

No one understood why I didn't follow the social rules, surely I did it on purpose - there was something wrong with me but I did no efforts to fix it. I got bullied badly.

As a result of all of this... A lot of time my mind automatically chooses the "safest" (irrational) solution: "if I post nothing, if I don't interract with anyone it will prevent me from ruining everything." It's a fight / flight / freeze /fawn situation, and I freeze.

I know that isolating myself won't fix it. On the contrary, it makes my anxiety worse and it pushes people away. So I do my best. It's draining. Some days it's more difficult, and it takes me a lot more time and courage to answer to people. Sometimes I lose the battle. But I try, I really do.

So now : When I say I have social anxiety and that it is hard for me to answer, please be patient with me. It's not that I don't care, I swear.

I hope this post made y'all understand me a bit better.

Maybe it'll help others explain their situation too, who knows.

[sunfoxfic]

Don't mind me but I just wanted to talk about something which is really rubbing off the wrong way with me.

Before I start, I should say that NONE of what I am about to say is meant to be Adrien salt. In fact, I have related to him more than ever especially this season and actually this ladynoir conflict is helping me cope up so much (I personally think it is really well executed so far). I love both Marinette and Adrien and I absolutely love this conflict because of what it would bring out in the future.

That being said, I read your post about the power imbalance in ladynoir and I agree so much with it! People talking about it sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable because of how they frame words about it and the post helped me understand why.

It's just that people say that Marinette being the guardian is the whole problem. And yes, that's true in sense it is a very very stressful burden for a fourteen year old to carry and it is taking a toll on her relationships and mental health to an extent where she CAN'T focus on anything else (I may be clumsily framing this dhsbz sorry but you get the gist). But no. People are not even concerned about that - their problem is that there is a power imbalance between Chat and Ladybug and that it is hurting Chat. Which is another aspect of it, yes, but also it kiiiinda rubs me off in the wrong way because it's almost as if people are not taking HER feelings into consideration at all? I mean this is pretty trivial and I am definitely overthinking things and I am sure it's not the case with most people saying that but it just does bother me.

And also the fact that when any leaks (especially from gloob😒) come up showing Adrien making a "mistake" (Like the Glaciator 2 ones gosh they were awful), salters start off with their irrational bashing, and people are really really quick to defend him - which they should! But why don't they do the same for Marinette too? Sure. Maybe they just care more about Adrien to defend him but when these SAME people start bashing on Marinette with out of context spoilers WITHOUT EVEN THINKING OF WAITING FOR THE EPISODE is when this feels like an awful double standard.

And then there's also a very specific brand of people who say that...Adrien is more "well written" and a "fan favourite"? Now, I won't touch the writing part because of my personal biases and because I personally think Marinette's storyline is also pretty complex (and I totally understand why people would NOT think so), but the fan favourite part?? Does it even matter at the end of the day? I've even seen some people act all high and mighty because they are Adrien "stans" apparently?? (Tbf the whole Stan culture is something which I don't care about)

Sorry for this highly disorganised rant. It's just that since the episode aired I've been seeing all sorts of these comments and I don't know if this is just me overthinking everything or if this is really something which bothered anyone else too.

Ello, anon! I'm always happy to get people venting in my inbox if they need to, I know the feeling

The first thing I'm going to say re: Adrien defense squad, is that you're absolutely right that in so many ways Adrien salt acts to perpetuate this defensiveness of Adrien that maybe isn't always earned. And like you, I love Adrien's character and don't want to sound salty, but.... people need to stop defending Adrien at the expense of Marinette.

That means that they need to stop defending him so much that they place blame on her where it's not deserved. It means they need to stop defending him so much that he gets shielded from pain rather than ever growing from it. It means they need to stop defending him from people who aren't arguing in good faith.

In the non-saltiest part of the fandom I know, this corner I've carved for myself on Tumblr, it's just exhausting to see people deconstructing all the reasons and ways Marinette is at fault and hurting people around her. There's usually the disclaimer of "Oh I still love her though!" or "But she has no way to change given her current circumstances" or "Not salt, I still love her."

But if I deconstructed all the ways in which Adrien is wrong and hurting people around him with those same disclaimers, I'd get accused of perpetuating Adrien salt. That's happened to me before. And unlike most of the posts I see like this about Marinette (by very smart, reasonable people), when I made those types of posts about Adrien, it was always, "He needs to get better for his own sake because he cannot depend on people protecting him all the time and I don't want him to get hurt." People making those same posts about Marinette are only ever deconstructing her impact on other people -- usually Adrien.

As for the rest of it.... It's been a few hours since this came in and I've been thinking about this ask all day. And I think part of the issue with discussing the Ladynoir power imbalance and that whole issue, etc etc, is that everyone thinks they know how to solve the problems.

To be quite clear: I'm guilty of this.

We all think we know what dynamic Ladybug and Chat Noir need to have to be "healthy." In reality, the main thing they need to be healthy is to have Gabriel removed from their lives. No dynamic changing will improve their relationship more than dynamically kicking Gabriel Agreste into a prison cell.

But once that happens, we all think we know exactly what they need to do in order to preserve their sense of selves and relationship with one another. When in reality, it's so much messier than that.

What Adrien and Marinette need to do is experiment. Figure out what each of them needs to do and where they need to help their personal shortcomings to have both of their needs met. Yeah, there's some basic things that obviously need to happen: Adrien needs to be more forthcoming about his feelings, Marinette needs to be more attentive, both of them need a little patience.

But we have no idea what exactly they need to do to make their relationship work. So when someone says confidently "Marinette needs to give up the Miracle Box" or "Adrien needs to be Guardian with her" or "Adrien needs to know who all the identities of the heroes are" I'm starting to be doubtful that we can really know what impact this would have on their relationship at all.

I'm guilty of this, like I said. But the more I think about it, the more I don't think there's any way to confidently identify solutions in something as variable and fragile as a relationship. A lot harder than identifying problems, anyway.

Anyway, anon, hope saying all this made you feel better, and have a lovely day.

[tokyoghoose]

something that never was

pairing: daisuke kambe x reader

playlist: even if it's a lie - matt maltese*, a soulmate who wasn't meant to be - jessica benko, the less i know the better - tame impala, id rather go blind - beyonce ( cadillac records ), the house we never built - gabrielle aplin*, i cant make you love me - dave thomas junior, i go crazy - orla gartland, blow my brains out - tikkle me, hidden in the sand - tally hall

warnings: angst, mentions of cheating,

summary: the coldness he radiates gets the best of you, ultimately leading to the end.

announcements!

i dont really see daisuke cheating unless it was a misunderstanding or smth, but i liked the idea of this fic. Let me know what you think!

you can tell i didnt write this in a sitting lol. Im vv sorry if it's hard to follow!

feedback is welcome and appreciated! requests are open!

There's a warm body beside you, yet the bed feels cold. The arm around your waist feels almost as foreign as the face in front of you. It hurts to look at him, to feel him. It hurts to even be around him. He's so beautiful but he feels like half the man he once was. It's disheartening.

Maybe the saying, what you don't know can't hurt you is correct because you were feeling the repercussions right about now. Curiosity really did kill the cat, and at this point, you don't even know how to get satisfaction from it. How does one bring up cheating to their partner? Especially when the partner is like Daisuke.

He likes to brush things off without paying a price except for whatever was in his bank account, the type to hand you a card and say 'go get yourself something pretty.' And it wasn't like he was a bad lover, in fact, it was very easy to fall in love with him. He has a charm about him that's magnetic, one glance and suddenly it's impossible to look away. Or at least that was your experience.

With the final confirmation that closing your eyes will do nothing other than bringing pictures into your head, you turn your back to him and try and distance your body from his. It doesn't do anything to help when he pulls you closer subconsciously, except for maybe it makes you want to cry.

You'd confront him tomorrow, you decided.

If you need to.

———

The pace you set is leisure and if kt wasn't for the poor nail bed quickly coming to nothing, it'd seem like you weren't completely losing your head. It's all you can think about. Daisuke out with some girl—who you know for a fact isn't his sister, and who is all over him. He didn't even make a move to push her off! He hates that kind of attention so if he didn't object it, then he was asking for it. He wanted the girl on his side. In fact, for someone who insists the other person sits across from him at a restaurant- he looked quite comfortable with her nearly in his lap.

Maybe you're overthinking this, y/n.

The door clicks open and your ears strain to hear the sound of Daisuke's dress shoes. He's rather indulgent when it comes to dressing wear and the shoes were practically silent, even with the short heel on the back.

"I'm home." He says to no one particular, taking off his trenchcoat and hanging it on the rack beside the door. He stops his path to the bedroom when he sees you frozen in place and staring in the living room. He merely quirks a brow, going to take off his suit and tie.

Suddenly you can't speak and you have tunnel vision. It's unfair how calm he always looks—it's almost smug like he knows everything about you and more. Like he can read your mind and tell you your darkest thoughts and when you'll die because let's be honest, it'll probably be by his hand. Maybe you should back out now before you can say anything. Forget it all because what if you're mistaken? The more you think, the more weight is added onto your shoulders and the more it pushes you down, down further into the hole you want to crawl into. Maybe you should let it because all you want to do now is escape his piercing gaze. His eyes are studying you, taking in your form and the cogs in his brain are turning to find an explanation as to why you are standing there like a psychopath and not welcoming him home like you usually do.

You feel like you're drowning. Is the light getting dimmer? The black around your vision only seems to close in around Daisuke and you try to look anywhere else but his face. There's water in your ears, the popping of them only intensifies until you can feel it pounding into your head with faint static.

Am I going to pass out?

It's not until his hand comes down gently on your shoulder that the closing circle of vision widens out and suddenly all the imaginary water rushes from your ears. You glance down at his rings before back up him, barely catching the end of his words.

"Are you alright?"

He's never been one to beg, so you would have to answer now or he'll leave it be for the rest of the night and probably months after until you're like this again.

"I-can we talk?"

He eyes you suspiciously, narrowing his eyes and keeping his brow raised before nodding, slipping his tie off around his neck, folding it neatly into the palm of his hand. He gestures for you to start the conversation, going to the minibar curving around the kitchen and living area.

When you don't reply he urges you on, "Why so tense? Did something happen, darling?"

It'd seem like he didn't really care from how cold his voice was, but you've grown accustomed to the monotone to know that he truly is concerned for your health. He genuinely wants to know why you're acting so odd. It only makes this so much harder? You're wrong- you have to be. This must be a sick trick your brain has played on you. Or he must be playing some sick trick.

Anxiety settles itself into your gut and it seems like it won't leave anytime soon.

"Daisuke, are...- are you cheating on me?"

His eyebrows finally go lax but he doesn't look up from unbuttoning the cuffs of his white button-down. His fingers fidget at the buttons and instead of the previous loose form, his hand forms a fist.

"I- "

"Why—exactly, are you accusing me of this?"

His gaze sends chills down your spine. He's offended but he doesn't offer a defense. Suddenly your mouth is dry and you lose all your words? How exactly were you going to tell him you stumbled across him and some woman in a restaurant and practically stared them down for fifteen minutes.

You decide the bear it and swallow a lump that has formed in your throat.

"You were with a woman earlier this week snd well, the displays of affection that I saw were not very like you. You've been gone for long hours and even if you blamed it on the new job, Daisuke—you never tell me anything. Is she for a case? Are you using her for information? Go on, tell me about it. Give me a reason not to accuse you."

You regain your confidence but it falters when you meet his indifferent expression. You'd prefer it if he looked angry and the silence that fills the room is deafening and the tension suffocating.

"I can't tell you anything about our cases-"

"I'm your partner! What am I going to do? Rat you out to whoever is breaking the law? Why would I even how those connections, Daisuke?"

Daisuke inhales deeply through his nose like this whole conversation is a burden on him and you can't help but feel like a burden too. Was this relationship not worth the time to talk this out? One hand grips the bar and the other pinches the bridge of his nose.

"You aren't my partner, you're my fiance. My partner and I work together. So, no. I can't tell you about the cases."

You want to rip out your hair. This isn't about his stupid job or his stupid partner. This is about the dumb fucking restaurant and the dumb fucking woman who was hanging off him.

He can't actually be this dense!

"It's not about that! Either you aren't getting the point or you keep changing the subject because it's true!" Your voice rises in pitch, your confidence failing and turning more so into desperation. But you aren't crying yet. There are no tears and your eyes are dry and you absolutely refuse to cry in front of a Kambe.

It's like the beginning of your relationship all over again. A protective barrier around yourself so you don't get hurt and offended by his cold shoulder. Was it so bad to think you've moved on from that feeling? Why is it so difficult for him to just comfort you and push back those fears? Is he that emotionally stunted? You may not know much about his past and his family, but damn— at least you're trying to work through it with him. Can he put out a little more effort?

All he does is pour himself a glass. All he does... is pour himself a glass.

"You know what- forget it. If you're so entitled and so emotionally reserved that you can't even talk to me without a drink first, then I guess we'll talk about it another time—when you don't look like my voice gives you a headache."

Daisuke actually looks taken back by your words and you suddenly feel bad for hitting a sore spot. He may not have shown it often, but he doesn't particularly like not being able to show his true emotions; no matter the reason being.

"Y/N, wait.."

But you're back on adrenaline just as soon as he felt a drop, pushing past him to get to your coat. You just needed to calm down before you said something you'd truly regret. Words tended to stay in his mind much longer than they were intended to.

"I'm staying at my mother's. Don't call me, don't text me, don't come near me until you're ready to tell me what the hell you were doing with her. "

When he doesn't say anything more and you can practically hear the cogs in his head turn, you make your way out there door, making sure to slam it shut.

You slip on the coat angrily, slamming open the door without sparing him a glance but waiting for him to say something. Anything. Were you being too rash? You shake your head and scold yourself, mentally. You can't just turn around now, not after an outburst like that. He has to learn something from this.

Irrational or not, hopefully, his true colors would show.

[lowkeyorloki]

phoebe anon: i survived my chaotic thursday 💯 and wowie this asis update ...was very painful and i can see where this is going 😫 not like actually whats going to happen but like i can see the opposing viewpoints loki and reader have and how that will impact the conversations they clearly need to have and... pain. i know some people are saying reader is being irrational but i absolutely understand having this reaction, i would have this reaction myself. honestly, if we’re being real here, I would probably even get angry or snap if the father of my possible child was saying things like he was in the car no matter how much i love him! i know that doing so would accomplish absolutely nothing and make things worse, but i feel like i wouldn’t be able to help it, so comparatively reader is doing great! lmao. her saying “I cant” over and over again sums it up literally so well. like loki i LOVE you but BAD TIMING ON THE BABY NAME TALK BABE 😭😭😭😭😭

what a horrible situation all around. i of course hope she’s not pregnant (considering i’m technically supposed to be the reader i guess lmao) but you’re such a great writer that i completely trust that any outcome will be fantastic. much loveeeee :D

phoebe anon <3333 so glad you got through your thursday! i think my test went well but the class i was supposed to give my presentation in was cancelled so now i have the whole weekend to overthink it! lol

i'm with you all the way. pregnancy is a life changing thing, and on top of that, she's in total panic mode. i know the way i act when i am truly in pain isn't super flattering either. and yes, loki's timing was... well it was Not Great. like i've said to a few commenters, he's absolutely entitled to any feelings about the subject, but saying everything about names to the reader while she's clearly hurting was probably not a good judgment call. personally, it would make me feel like i can't go to the one person i need for comfort. this is just situation that's impossible to be perfect in, no matter which party you are!!!!

and thank you so much 🥺 if i was a reader i would feel the same way. i'm so glad you trust me either way though, that's genuinely so sweet and makes my heart v happy ! i hope you have a good friday + weekend. treat yourself to a warm drink or something!!

[free--therapy]

Sorry for sending so many asks! I'm sorry if I'm annoying. I have something I'm really confused about, so I'd like your advice on this.

So like before my anxiety went overboard, I was still the type of person who worried more than some people usually would. But it was never to a point where it affected my life in any significant way. Just more a worry type person. So back then too, I must've had irrational thoughts right? Because since everyone has irrational thoughts (since they are a part of worry and anxiety) but then what makes it different from anxiety disorder?

Because suppose if my parents go out at night and tell me they'd be back by 9 but it gets 11 and they're still not back or not receiving my calls, I'd start worrying. Of course a lot of worst case scenarios would pop up in my mind like "what if something happened to them?" "What if there's an accident?" So these are all irrational thoughts right? But this is the kind of worry that many people may have in that situation. But bach then when i had these thoughts, they wouldn't affect me like my irrational thoughts do now.

But suppose a worry I have like "what if i'm actually willing to do stuff shown in that nsfw video?" This is something i worry about but i know it's an irrational thought (but i still feel its real bcs anxiety) but usually, people without an anxiety issue wouldn't worry about something like this even if they watched that content too and i didn't used to before anxiety either (that's when i watched it) but now years later, im suddenly worrying about it.

So what makes the above two situations/worries different? Because in both, there's anxiety, overthinking and irrational thoughts involved.

I'm asking this because I'm kinda confused on how I should navigate this going forward? Because suppose I tell myself that up until now, everything that I've been overthinking and ruminating about...all the irrational thoughts....about the mistakes, guilt, me being weird, content i watched, what is right or wrong, etc. all these things have passed and now every irrational thought i get related to any of these is just anxiety induced and i don't have to or need to worry about it.

But in the future as well, there may be situations where i may worry but again....there are situations where it's natural to worry or have irrational thoughts (like a loved one being ill) and everyone does but then there may also be other more irrational things i may get worried about like "what if i have cancer?" just because i had stomach ache twice or something and these irrational thoughts are not based on anything....it's just irrational worry....and this is not something that everyone worries about. So how do i differentiate between them?

I know anxiety disorder is when we get too worried about everyday things to the point where the worry takes over and it starts causing worry about other irrational things too. And i know have it right now.

But for example- i was worrying a lot about my past mistakes and wrong actions and what i could do about them now to the point where that's all i thought about. that is irrational thinking. but this was in the past so now i don't need to do anything about it, i can just let it go.

but what im confused about is- we all may take a moment to reflect on our present self though. so if now, in the present, if i act bad with someone or hurt or manipulate someone or act toxic without realizing but then i realize i was wrong and apologise....or if i reflect on why i acted that way, to understand myself if i was jealous or insecure, if that's why i acted like that. in those cases, reflecting on ourselves helps right?

but since my anxiety takes over in those situations too sometimes and instead of reflecting on it normally, i end up having intrusive thoughts like "why am i like this?" "What's wrong with me?" "Am i the worst person?" "Do i deserve nothing?" etc. So this is definitely the anxiety taking over right?

So when I'm worrying so much about past situations or memories, or when I'm thinking too much and worrying too much about my action now- that's the anxiety right? I mean, the normal reaction could be when for situation of worry like me being really ill, etc. i may worry which is normal but if i can solve it (like going to a doctor) then i should and then later let go of it. But with the anxiety, every random pain seems serious like having some stomachache twice in a row might get me overthinking if i have cancer or something which isn't a normal "healthy" reaction right?

Similarly, i worry about the nsfw content i watched and i think "oh am i really willing to do this irl?" And then i might try to convince myself i don't by imagining my reaction to it irl but that reaction always seems normal because im desensitized to it then my mind goes "does this mean im willing?"

I know that my mind tries to convince me by making me feel or think that way when its not real but now this worry is totally irrational. I've never thought about this ever before anxiety. So around the time when i did watch that content, even then, i never even thought about it until now when i remembered it and started getting anxious about it.

But this worry is totally irrational and again there's no need to worry or overthink about this right? Because it is just anxiety making these thoughts feel real when they are not.

So I'm confused because while worrying a bit about stressful situations like health problems or exams or job to a healthy amount is normal but it becomes a problem when it becomes all we think about. Similarly, thinking about how i feel about certain people, things or situations is normal too because I'm a perceptive person and i like to think deeply about some things. I like thinking and analysing and reaching a conclusion and since we tend to understand ourselves more when we think about how or why we feel or act a certain way in some situations. But that's the problem. Normally, i think deeply only about things i want to think about.

But now my anxiety makes me think about things i don't want to think about too. Like there are things that i truly don't need to worry or think about but my anxiety makes me feel like if thinking deeply about certain things makes me understand myself better then i should be thinking about these anxious things too.

So while i tend to think how i acted rudely in a situation and why i acted like that and how i feel about that peraon involved....this is normal because its not based on anxiety but rather something i want to analyse and understand better.

But when it comes to more irrational thoughts like "do i have xyz illness?" Or "am i willing to do things i watched in that nsfw content?" Or "i don't deserve good things because i did bad things" for thoughts like these, i don't need to analyse or think deeply right? Because these thoughts are totally stemming from the anxiety so i don't need to take these seriously or seriously think about these like i do with the other more normal thoughts.

So how do i approach this? Since I'm very confused about this. First of all, i know i don't need to worry or overthink aboit anything from the past because that's all anxiety making me worry and overthink about unnecessary things. So no matter what thought it is- about mistakes or anything else, i don't need to worry or ruminate or think about any of those, right?

But for behaviour in my present, im confused, what is anxiety and what is not? If i get worried or anxious or have some irrational thoughts about exams but if that doesn't affect my daily life then that's normal worry? I mean, there are situations where worrying is normal so its expected unless the worry goes too extreme?

And if i try to understand myself by thinking about how or why i acted a certain way, that's not anxiety behaviour unless it's causing me worry and overthinking to the point that it affects my life?

And what about things that aren't even normal thoughts but like thoughts that I'm totally worrying about only because my anxiety is making me like me worrying about having heart attacks every time i feel breathless or have chest pains? This is so random its not even something I'd normally worry about but now i do because my anxiety makes me 😭

So in that way, there are things that before anxiety i would do or think about normally and not as a "problem to be solved" but now, it becomes an irrational worry. Then there are things that i did worry about but in a healthy amount but now, the worry is much worse and unhealthy. And then there are worries which are so irrational, they come out of nowhere and yet i can't help but overthink because my anxiety makes them seem real.

So going forward, how do i navigate through this? How do i differentiate between what's normal and healthy and what isn't?

How do i differentiate between which are normal natural thoughts and which are irrational? And which do should i actually think about and which should i not?

Because if its something like my relationship with someone, my exams, someone's health or my inner self, my behaviour that im worrying about or even just thinking about then to a certain point, some amount of anxiety helps because it leads to solution and action taking but then sometimes the overthinking gets bad and starts affecting me in a way that's not healthy anymore so in that case, i need to take it back to the healthy levels where i only thought about it and not "worried." But then there are situations that i don't even need to think about because they don't help me or serve any purpose and are stemming purely from anxiety like health anxiety thoughts or any of my worries like mistakes, nsfw content where i keep worrying about if its true or what i should do about it. In normal healthy state of mind, these are things i won't even think about let alone worry, so these are things i don't even need to look into?

So there are normal thoughts that have become worse and anxiety inducing now and then there ar totally new thoughts that have stemmed because of anxiety. Should i deal with these differently? Or should i deal iwth them the same way?

How do i navigate through this? I'm really confused. Sorry for sending in such a long ask and troubling you 😭 it's just that for the past two weeks, i was finally starting to feel like it was finally getting better and that i was finally getting a direction at least but now, when i think about moving on to my present, the thought that comes in is "but in the present and future, you may have worries too. So how do you know which are worth thinking about and which are purely anxiety disorder messing with you? And how do you know that which is anxiety based and which isn't? What should you believe?" And this is making me feel stuck again 😭

Anon, please don't apologize! You're not annoying.

I think you were still dealing with anxiety back then too, but you didn't have the awareness that it was anxiety. Usually we deal with things for a period of time before finding out the name for it. Something like anxiety is usually unconsciously taught to us at a young age by the sorts of things our parents/elders tell us how to view the world or even how they view the world, all has influence on how we view the world. We don't usually understand how burdensome it can be until we come to understand the world a little more.

So what makes the above two situations/worries different? Because in both, there's anxiety, overthinking and irrational thoughts involved.

Anxiety is always going to be something we deal with. It's a survival mechanism that we were all born with so we can never get rid of it completely. I think there's such thing as healthy anxiety and unhealthy anxiety. The part of our brain that sets off anxiety cannot tell the difference between an actual threat (like a car coming your way about to hit you) or a perceived one (the thoughts you tell yourself that send you into a cycle, worrying about your parents, etc.)

It's healthy to worry about your parents when they're not back when they said they were because you're worrying about their safety. Like you said, this is normal to worry about because most people would be worried in this case, however, some people will worry obsessively and start calling or going to find them, or some people will rationalize the worry by saying "maybe they're stuck in traffic or decided to stay longer because they were having a good time". I assume your parents came home that day and that's probably what stopped the worry for you because you could see that they were alright. In terms of the other situation though, you still haven't given your mind that closure or proof that everything's okay. This is why I say you have to start challenging these negative/unhelpful thoughts that you're having because you need to give yourself that proof to tell your mind that everything's okay until it actually starts to believe it. These take longer because there's no physical evidence to ease your mind, so you have to rely on changing your thoughts. Of course this becomes a challenge when it comes to having worries of "what ifs" because those are things that could potentially still happen, but you have to power to make sure that they won't.

but what im confused about is- we all may take a moment to reflect on our present self though. so if now, in the present, if i act bad with someone or hurt or manipulate someone or act toxic without realizing but then i realize i was wrong and apologise….or if i reflect on why i acted that way, to understand myself if i was jealous or insecure, if that's why i acted like that. in those cases, reflecting on ourselves helps right?

Yes, it's always good to have self-awareness on your actions, but it doesn't have to be to a point where you punish yourself because you feel like you may have done something to harm someone else. It's very easy to worry about those things, but unless a friend of yours brings something up to you, I wouldn't worry about it. Your friends are old enough to be able to communicate with you if something you did didn't seem cool to them. You gotta stop beating yourself up though for being human. I know you're still young so you're still figuring things out, so be okay with making mistakes every once in a while ;)

But with the anxiety, every random pain seems serious like having some stomachache twice in a row might get me overthinking if i have cancer or something which isn't a normal "healthy" reaction right?

When I was in my early 20s, I also thought I had a lot of problems and things wrong with me, so this is honestly normal. Because your mind is stuck in that survival mode or being anxious all the time, it's searching for reasons for you to be worried, whether it's something physical or mental.

Yes, anxiety is always going to bring up old things that you've already told yourself that you're over. You just have to keep fighting the thoughts that want you to keep worrying about it and tell them you don't have time for them anymore.

for thoughts like these, i don't need to analyse or think deeply right?

Yes and no. Some thoughts are worth getting to the root cause of them because they'll help you to come up with more reasons and evidence to give you closure or to combat the thoughts that keep coming up for you. For example, "I don't deserve food things because I did bad things": why do you believe you don't deserve good things? Is it because you were raised to believe you were a burden or not good enough by your family? Were you punished because you did something that your parents made you believe were bad? Questioning your thoughts and how deep they go can help you to understand why you're even having them in the first place. The best way to understand something you don't know is to learn more about it.

But for behaviour in my present, im confused, what is anxiety and what is not? If i get worried or anxious or have some irrational thoughts about exams but if that doesn't affect my daily life then that's normal worry? I mean, there are situations where worrying is normal so its expected unless the worry goes too extreme?

Anxiety = living in the future and also not being able to control things that are out of your control. It's healthy to worry about how you're going to do on exams because they're something you don't know how difficult it's going to be. But how do you help fight that anxiety? By studying the subject you're being tested on and getting to know as much as you can about it with your notes. This gives you the confidence to know that you know your stuff so you can do well. With other worries, it can be looked at the same way, however you have to go and find the knowledge you need to tackle the worry. It'll be more challenging, but it's no different than studying for a test. When you don't have what you need though, that's when your brain starts getting creative and starts thinking up all these scenarios. Knowledge is power and when you actively strive to understand the things you've been worrying about, you'll have a better chance of overcoming these worries one by one.

In normal healthy state of mind, these are things i won't even think about let alone worry, so these are things i don't even need to look into?

So one common misconception about having a healthy state of mind is thinking that you will never have these thoughts. That's absolutely incorrect. The thoughts will probably come up less often, but with a healthy state of mind, you'll be able to handle them better so that they don't become a bigger problem for you. To get to that state, you have to start working towards being able to combat the thoughts, which takes time, practice, and patience.

So there are normal thoughts that have become worse and anxiety inducing now and then there ar totally new thoughts that have stemmed because of anxiety. Should i deal with these differently? Or should i deal iwth them the same way?

They can all be dealt with the same way :)

[mindful-restlessness]

Am I happy? Am I just telling myself I am happy so I just deal with things but really I'm not? Am I holding on to growing resentment again but instead of confronting it, I am internalizing it? If it is resentment that I am feeling, why do I feel that way and is there a way not to do that? Is this the best I'll feel about myself? I love this house and it is perfect for me except for my emotional attachments towards it. But how difficult would it be for me to leave this house and find another house I want to call "home" without struggling about payments for that house?

One part of me keeps saying "it's not too late to start over. Many people do it in their 30s, 40s, and even 50s". And the other part of me is still freaking out that I am turning 30 and if I keep waiting, I may not have the chance to bear my own child anymore. I may live out my life of having things on a bucket list that I won't have a chance to do bcos I was too insecure to ask to do it because of guilt/shame preventing me from feeling like I could still do things.

He's not punishing me. He's just betrayed and hurt. He's scared of me. There are control issues for him. But I have respect issues. I have a comfortable life with someone who struggles to be a supportive emotional partner for me- but I need that- a supportive emotional partner. I need that engagement and validation that it's okay to feel how I feel and if my feelings are out of bounds and irrational, I need someone to tell me that too to keep me in check. Not a , "What is making your anxious?" Then tell me, "You're overthinking it. It's not a big deal."<--That's what anxiousness is and it feels minimalizing.

If I bring up those issues, it becomes an argument with it being brought up that he's like that because of what I've done to him; he can't trust me or want to be vulnerable to be a better emotional partner. But he was like that before the extramarital relationship. And the problem with that was that I didn't feel confident in myself to being up those issues....so he didn't know about them. He didn't know they were issues to begin with and if I did tell him, I didn't press on them hard enough for him to see how much they really bothered me. And that's my fault- I know that. I stopped turning to him because I didn't feel like he would address or care how I felt about those things adequately because he hadn't. And when new issues came up, I didn't even say a word to him about them anymore because I thought , "It won't matter if I say or not say it but at least we won't fight about it."

But if I don't bring up any issues I have now, then it'll repeat. It'll go back to the same pattern. Same growing insidious resentment. Same lonliness.

He's not punishing me. He's suffering. I'm punishing myself. Why? Why am I punishing myself? Because of guilt? Because my parents really love him and he is amazing to my family? Because I spent the last 10-12 years of my life trying to make something out of my relationship with him? For what? Why am I here? What am I working towards? What do I want?

Ugh, it's giving me such a headache. I need to go back to therapy but I don't know where to start with all this. It's building up on my mind as I'm trying to get used to my workjob. And I have my surgery coming up which is out of pocket so I need to minimalize expenses.

Ugh.

[mysollicitusmind]

There are moments where people forget what I can and cannot do. I try to be understanding a whole lot but at the end of the day. What I can't do are still the things that I can't do. How do you explain the most irrational fears you have? I listed some of mine that I can think of right now.

1. Fear of going too far away from hospitals

2. Jumping on a motorcycle when I panic and kill everyone on sight. Would have been better if it's only me

3. On the road with just 1 person with me

4. Water. I'm scared of drinking too much of it

5. Food. I get panicky when I eat too much

6. Waking up thinking that people forgot that I can't be left alone

7. Afraid that the person beside me is no longer breathing

8. Afraid of going to bed at night thinking I might not wake up tomorrow

9. Scared of all kinds of change

10. Turn lights off? Sure. Wondering if you've gone blind

11. Reading every movement of everyone around you all wrong

12. Always thinking they are better off without you

13. Thinking that they'll find other options once there are more available ones

14. Believing it's okay if they leave they don't deserve to suffer with you

15. Your always gonna be sick. All the time. Everytime.

16. You see no good days ahead.

17. You try to be happy with the simplest things and yet you know it's a desperate attempt to want to keep living

18. Scared that what if you run out of things to do? What then?

19. Anxious on keeping a job

20. Anxious on losing one

21. Scared of curfew because it means too little people around.

22. Scared if there are too many people around

23. Pandemic lockdown now feels good because it's sure and it's safe and no one is leaving

24. Afraid that people around you would compromise having adventures because they feel you'll be unhappy if they left you alone

25. Knowing you can't leave, saying it's okay if they did but blaming yourself for not being able to

26. Your guy gets so excited he forgets you can't travel

27. Your guy gets so excited he forgets you can't be left alone in the house

28. Your guy gets so excited to live with you not knowing that the next place would be a haunted house first before it becomes a home.

29. Your guy gets excited about babies, you got PCOS and you think you can't have one

30. Your guy gets excited about babies but you know that hormones would be too much and without psych meds, you'll probably go insane and end up hurting yourself or worst your baby

31. Feeling that if you wean off medications you'll never find yourself again

32. Feeling like when the time comes that you get caught up with life he forgets you got special needs and you are expected to take care of yourself something that you have never done your whole life but he expects you to

33. Believing that he would pack up and just leave because he is tired

34. Accepting that it's okay. It's okay. You knew this would happen all along

35. You got plans but then he doesn't think of Plan B's. What if? You never get better?

36. Toxic positivity is true.

37. I'm an overthinker? What dyou think?

38. Every fight you, you read the wrong signs and tell yourself. This is it. He is leaving.

39. Always thinking that someday he'll find a reason to go

40. Got kids? Disappointing them because you can't take them to school, go on trips or go to their meetings and be a mom

41. Hold back the kids from being their best because you can't support them to be more active when you are not

42. Kid got sick? How to go to the hospital?

43. Emergency at work? You need to get your husband? Just be a bad wife and ignore. Coz you can't leave the house

44. Kids need you at school? Call a friend. Your never getting there.

45. Your tired? You can't be.

46. Wanna stop? You'll die.

47. Wanna die? You cant

48. Wanna live? It's hard

49. Are you living or surviving?

50. Why won't people just let me die?

[mybodyliberation]

Mooncup Review Part 1

There are some people who are not impacted by their periods. They are able to go about their business being their wonderful selves.

I am not one of those people. A multitude of things happens when I am due on. One of these things being the "Grumps" and phew child, do I get them bad.

I'm not a natural frowner or grimacer, (yes these aren't words but they are for the purpose of today), so when I catch myself grumbling over something sometimes rational, mostly irrational, I know the Grumps have arrived do too will my period.

If you'll follow me on instagram you'll I now last month I was all about period talk on my stories. We wanted the tea and we wanted it now!

What was everyone predominately using, what were our cycles like, were we using any birth control and did we have anything that made our periods harder to deal with?

The census was that mensutral cups were extremely popular, moreson than I anticipated and I want to take a moment to stan all the environmentally aware babes out there having super ethical periods.

I love that we have so many options for what to use during our periods now and it says a lot about where we are heading as a society, though it will be cute when periods are no longer taxed...ahem. *stares directly at camera with utter sass*

Anyway the point is I was tired of using the same old methods of tampons and sanitary towels. As a performer it's often such a pain in the neck having to run to sort yourself during a show and I wanted to banish having to stuff multiple tampons in my backpack just to survive the day. I also know how damaging tampons and pads are environmentally because with the use of plastic it takes years to break down. Yall not to mention its actually not great for our vaginas and that is just the grown up tea.

So with all of that I have been waiting to transition to something new and since I turned 29 this year I realised it was time to suck it up and make the changes I know are right for me.

Enter, the Mooncup!

Truthfully the only reason it's taken me this long to try and mensutral cup is because I am a big baby and overthink. So as you can imagine I'd fashioned several horror movie type scenarios in my hear about what the experience would look like.

Truth be told...it was nothing like I anticipated (no Quentin Tarantino scenes happening during my cycle).

Now background information on a brand is important and so I will link their "About" page because o feel like they articulate their story perfectly themselves. https://www.mooncup.co.uk/who-we-are/our-story/

Now when we got in touch with each other the folks over at Mooncup suggested that the best way to trial the Mooncup was to use it over a period of three months. So you guys will follow me over the next few periods as I give this a go!

It's amazing to see a brand lead by women make something for women. It feels empowering and important and I truly feel like extra care is taken.

Before I get into my experience I think it's good to tell you that Mooncup has a dedicated helpline via email and telephone that connects you to a nurse that can give you proper medical advice and is truly the best asset when it comes to approaching using the cup for the first time. (advice@mooncup.co.uk Tel +44(0) 1273 673 845)

When you open up your box you'll find your cup in a sweet little pouch and an awesomely specific instruction manual on how to start with your cup.

First things first was to make sure I'd sertilized it and so straight into the put of boiling water it went for 5 minutes.

After I left it to cool I headed into the bathroom with my instructions to figure out how to insert.

My cycles can be investing in terms of my moods and symptoms. I feel like I experience every symptom possible on the spectrum and so having a stress free period is important.

I was nervous trying the cup for the first time because honestly it took me ages to even hype myself to try tampons all those years ago. So though the nerves were normal they definitely gave me more stress than necessary when it came to the cup.

So the first thing is, relax. I was rigid and clenched and the anticipation was very heightening to making the experience more painful as I tried to insert.

The first two days of using the cup had me feeling like a gymnast because it was like nothing I did was allowing the cup to insert without pain or super flexibility.

So getting accustomed to breathing and relaxing as it came time to insert the cup was paramount. The more you stress the less likely it will go smoothly and I know that sounds like a given but trust me if this is your first foray to this sort of thing, you're going to be wary.

There are two different fold techniques that the instructions suggest for helping for smooth insertion and I found that the best option for me was folding the cup in half. The cup ends up making sort of a smiling face and depending on the day of my period and if I was light or heavy inserting the cup as a smile or a frown made things slightly easier.

It also helps to make sure that the cup itself is a little bit of water on it because moisture is key for a smoother glide!

At first I was super aware of the cup after insertion, but I suppose the same would be the case when you first try tampons. It's a weird sensation to feel the suction holding onto the walls of the vagina but I promise that after a while you don't even feel it let alone think about it.

You should also know that the first days the cup itself feels very firm and stiff but it does start to give and become more flexible after a fee days.

For the first month this has been trial and error. They first few days I felt like I had conquered a mountain and very bad ass, but on the heaviest days of my period it was a little trickier and I found myself getting frustrated because I do have very heavy days and so making sure the cup was sitting properly for zero leaks took time. I also had to make sure I was clearing out the cup every 3 hours rather than every 4 to 8 because there were some accidents but listen, with tampons and pads the same sort of thing can happen, so I wore a pad on my heavy days as precaution and at the end of the day its learning to monitor your body and figure out what works for you.

Next month for the second cup trial I want to try coupling some period pants with the cup on my heaviest days because I've realised that just for my own peace of mind its better to have extra coverage in case of accidents!

Honestly for the first round it was a success! I thought I would be petrified and irritated and frustrated the whole time but I was much more relaxed and calm and its been really interesting process in getting to know my own body because lets face it, as a plus size woman there is a lot more to navigate.

So for my bigger boos, don't be afraid of your own body! If you need to do gymnastics, DO IT! Your body is capable of more than you think. So get your squat in or lift those legs or spread them!

I went to the gym twice with my mooncup in and I went HARD because we need to know what we can do with it. I didn't feel as if my movement was restricted and I didnt feel as if it would be moving or holding me back in anyway!

Going out in public with the cup in felt scary because truthfully I felt that as soon as I walked out the door I would bleed everywhere but that just didnt happen. I was able to go around my business. One of my worries was when I would wee that it would leak or move but that never happened once. And after the 4th day of my cycle I felt comfortable to take it out and empty and reinsert. Thankfully I was in bathroom after bathroom with sinks but in the future I do know its important to carry a wee bottle of water with me to be able to clean out the cup if I need to but I'm in an isolated cubicle.

Now for those who are differently abled please don't hesitate to use the service of contacting the nurse via the mooncup website so that you can get some safe and comfortable suggestions on how to insert the cup without worrying about hurting or disconcerting yourself.

I was shocked with how quickly my hands adapted to insertion and how quickly I became comfortable with having to do it. We are capable of change and adapting and I often forget that when I get stuck in a routine.

So right now the pros are without a doubt outwieghing the cons and honestly what are the cons because I'm saving money, helping the environment and I'm being kinder my vagina (cause no fibres in this boo)

So stay tuned my beauty! This was the first trial and I'm really pleased with myself for challenging myself and with the cup for being my new assistant.

Watch this space for part 2!