#like. hmm like purposely written a certain way rather than just following the flow of the genre or the author just winging it.

[cacaitos]

nakamura kun and doukyuusei that got named one of the 'normal' and good bls bc well. they kinda are it's not like i didnt like dks at least. but you can steel feel they got smth going on.

[fieryhonesty]

The life of You

[AO3]

Words: 3619

You and the traveler accompanied by his floating friend were nearly close to your final destination. Passing through the entire Liyue, taking a short stop to relax a bit here and now. Enjoying the view at the marvelous land. It never stops to amaze you how beautiful the sunsets are when you can observe how the sun is disappearing behind the mountains.

Liking more Monds as it was a more free and easy going country. The green everywhere was easy on your eyes and overall didn't remind you all that stress tied to business. However you have to admit some parts of Liyue are way too pretty. Perhaps one day you could visit those pretty spots with your friends.

Having a nice walk and observing the never stop to amaze you lands. Some special kinds of flowers and herbs grow only here. Animals you can't see in the anemo Archon domain. Simply put, this is an experience one has to feel and see at least once in their life. 

You made sure not to wander too far away from the main road. Being pressed by time and distance was one thing. Being lost in the middle of somewhere was another. You sure knew your way in Liyue but mostly around habited areas. Not really have spare time to explore the land in detail.

Sometimes you had a short trip around here and there, in presence of other people. Those trips were mostly to bring you and your employees closer and take a break from all of that exhaustion. 

It's really sad how people in Liyue are different from people in Mondstadt. They are always in a rush, stressed out and business is always on their minds. However they are also willing to help with anything related to their field of expertise. 

Can't choose between this and that? Or not sure if this would be a good deal? Well you can be sure they will shower you with advices. However be aware of smooth talkers. They know a lot and know how to make one agree and probably buy more than they were willing at the start.

After all it is all just a part of the never ending flow of contracts. Tied to mora exchange and customer's satisfaction. You were sometimes thinking if Liyue being mostly yellow has something to do with currency. This color is so dominant here, everywhere. One would think leaves and grass is dying but it was healthy just like everywhere else. 

Mora is yellow, Liyue is land of contracts. Money is flowing in and out. This surely can't be coincidence, Morax must have been really smart back then.

You guys were close to Harbor's gates, a few more steps and you could see the entire city. One side enveloping it with azure blue sea, ships being docked in harbor. Supplies being carried out or in, depends on the ship's purpose and destination. Also there were smaller boats as well. Those were personal ones, more than for transport they were for amusement of their owners. 

You often heard about wedding proposals being made at those cute boats. Also there were people who used those boats for business, they transported people between north and south Liyue. It was sort of a trip one could say.

Hearing amazed 'wow' from your companions, turning to them with a smile on your lips.

"Just wait for the night. Then it gets super pretty but also really hectic. As that's the time where citizens are really free from their responsibilities and can enjoy free time." 

"Paimon can't wait to see all those stalls with delicious food!"

You chuckled at her remarks. Not needing to spend too much time with them to know the floating girl is easily manipulated when it comes to food. Just a mention of it and she is all yours. When you said about local specialities her eyes were beaming with excitement. 

By the look at Aether's expression, that was just a normal thing he got used to. As he had to get used to Paimon's big mouth. On your way here, to be more precise when you passed the middle part of Liyue. You came across some beggars. Asking for spare coins. You are still unsure about being glad for what Paimon said or not.

If it weren't for her you two might have got robbed. It turned out to be a bunch of treasure hoarders, not poor beggars barely living. When they found out both of you are carrying weapons and can channel elemental energy. They rather backed out of the trouble.

"Well then, let's head down. Shall we?" 

And so all of you slowly descended down, crossed the city's gate. Passing through streets and making sure the two are following you. Getting lost here is quite easy. 

As you arrived with one day spare, you could have just breathe out and rest for today. The rite will be held tomorrow. The question is what now? Turning to your companions.

"I'm hungry, fancy to get some food?" 

You didn't have to ask twice. Especially when it came to Paimon who was just excited flying around. Checking on stalls and observing various things. The street you were in was mostly for small merchants, selling their handmade goods. Be it art, jewelry, porcelain or those cute paperweight things. Often having sea and boats inside of them.

Moving to the next street which was purely dedicated to kid's enjoyment. Various toys shops and things which sometimes were too inviting even for yourself. You can just silently applaud those toys makers. If an adult like you has a hard time then what about the kids?

Quickly making your way to the small square which was dividing enjoyment shops from more practical ones. Such as herbalists, perfumes, food shops and also some kid's forbidden places. Starting with bars and ending with places you rather not want to think of ever entering. Otherwise you'd die in shame. 

Leading the way to your favorite shop. Knowing your friends probably won't know how to use chopsticks, it will be better to grab some finger food. Sweet dumplings, regular dumplings filled with various things, fried meat. Heck they even sell fries here which you thought it would be only in Mondstadt. 

Once you have all of your food, you have moved to a quieter place. A park with a lot of ponds, lotuses in, fish literally swimming under your feet as you were crossing via the small bridge. Sitting in the least busy place. It was just afternoon and there were already enough people to make you feel uncomfortable. Luckily you are used to crowds now.

With stuffed bellies you guys were barely able to move so you decided to sit around for a bit more. You explain them basics about the city. Like where to go if they'd need this or that. How to avoid being scammed. Liyue might be the land of contracts, one still has to negotiate about prices. People will always try to nudge prices in their profit.

"Paimon wonders. We have been around every major street and miss y/n told us about important places but..." 

She scratched her head.

"Where's your business?" Tilting her head to the side while making 'hmm' noise. Which immediately Aether joined in. 

You didn't plan to show them the building where your now middle sized company was residing in. For some reason you felt uneasy about showing your friends. You still didn't like the fact of inheriting it but at least it's in better shape than before.

As the previous owner was barely able to sign contracts and fulfill her duties. It was slowly fading, many employees had left the company. Also there was a debt written in its name. 

You didn't know why exactly you just didn't turn away and leave. It was none of your business. It was her mess. But somehow you decided to stay and help. It was awkward, especially meeting the dying woman. But you hold back your grudge and remarks. 

You knew it won't be an easy task especially after seeing what has happened in a very short period of time. First of all you needed to gain some trust from the remaining employees. To them you were nobody. Well. It wasn't far away from reality.

You were just a teenager who wanted to train and become a guardian of the city. Perhaps later on find somebody to get laid with and have a happy family. More happier than you had. But that all was taken away or so you thought.

However as the time passed you realized something. One can still be a guardian without having the title. When the debt collector came everyone was scared and shaken. There was no doubt about it might end up pretty bad for everyone present including you. But you played it smart, managing to convince the debt collector about giving you a bit more time.

It was the last chance you will get, he said before leaving. You were shaking and felt like vomiting. But at the same time proud of your smooth talk to get your through it. One thing you could thank to a certain bluenette. 

Since that day you got more trust from employees. It no longer being just the assistant who stood by you, willing to help. With a young mind and great ideas you managed to slowly but surely get the company back to functioning. Guided by your assistant who happens to have enough experience to actually lead the company. But for whatever reason she was not named as the next successor. 

You never felt any hateful feelings from her or desire to take the post from you. If anything she is keeping everything under control and is really modest. Admitting just half for her effort no matter what you said. 

It took over three years to fully recover for the company and be able to compete with others. Or at least partially. No longer being in debt and haunted by the Fatui agents. However to prove the company's worth you had to make a bigger showcase. Everyone was able to attend and observe. Enjoy the food and drinks. The event cost quite a bit but in the long run it turned out to be very worth it.

Eventually getting more offers for material, more interest from not only people from Liyue but also from Inazuma. However that didn't last long as it one day became completely locked away from the world. You really liked the direction where everything was going, nearly forgetting about your life in Mondstadt.

Warming up to people, growing fond of them. It was no surprise to see you spend time after work with some of your employees. Going to a tea house or dinner. Despite you being overly busy you still found some free time to hone your swordsmanship. You still wanted to be able to protect the weak. 

One night after a very long and tiresome week you found yourself staring at the clear night sky. You just finished one of your training. The sky was so nice, the stars being so bright. You wondered if they are looking at the sky right now. If you do see the same thing.

You were one of those people who were forced to grow up and become an adult quickly. Acting like a grown up despite being still pretty young and inexperienced. If it weren't for Mrs. Yue you'd be doomed. Also many others who often offered help. You liked those people but never admitted it aloud. 

When one day supplies didn't arrive in time, nor any message about delay. You got worried about what could have happened. The road which you chose was relatively safe and there were loaned guards for the cart. Something inside of you was telling you to take a look at it. 

Taking your trustworthy sword, leaving a message for Yue who happened not being present at that moment. So when she arrives at the office she would know. There was also stated if you don't return until noon, she will have to alert Millelith.

Just as if you knew. It didn't take long until you found a damaged cart and unconscious guards. However your people were missing, supplies being destroyed. Looking around and noticing tracks. 

The further you follow the more you know you are being lured into a trap. When you entered a place covered by an obvious illusion, you knew there's something really wrong and you just couldn't leave it be. Finding your way around, coming across cocoons. Hearing silent cries coming out of them.

Just when you tore through one of them and saw one of your employees. You realized what made those cocoons. Freeing them out. They were exhausted and pale. However fear allowed them to push forward and retreat from that place. But you did not. 

You knew the thing might attack again. Somebody else who won't be that lucky as your people. Giving them a reassuring smile, saying that you will be alright and they should have enough time to get back to cart. With some luck Millelith will be there already, taking care of them. 

Turning back and running deeper into the weird hive. Just then you realized how much naive and stupid you were. Risking your life just like this. Could it be bravery? Or just being a complete fool? Probably the latter. Your sword skills were impressive however facing the beast proved you were not strong enough. 

You could feel how your life energy was leaving your body during the encounter. You will die here. But you didn't care. You were devoted and wanted to protect. You got poisoned in the middle of the fight. As the poison was slowly spreading across your system. Fingers becoming numb.

You were half accepting the truth of never making it back. To never see any of the people who you consider close to you. To never see your employees' faces. Or never held a party to celebrate somebody's birthday. Or never be able to chase your dreams.

Just when you thought 'that's it I die here' you felt intense energy surging through your body. You could feel how it was encouraging and empowering you enough to rise up, avoid the fatal hit. It was like just all the fatigue has left your body. The poison was no longer effective. 

Swinging your sword, a wave of elemental energy being released. It cut through the beast's thick shell. It surprised you to see what happened but not letting it take over. You thought of channeling more of this weird yet powerful energy. It felt cold but at the same time warm. It might be because your body is getting confused over all of this elemental power, flowing through you.

As you rushed forward with cry, your blade met with the beast's arm. Cutting it off like it was a butter, following to its face. You cut through the entire thing, leaving a crystal like pattern behind. Was it ice? The beast has fallen with a loud and dull noise. 

Looking around, the place was covered in icy fragments. Surely the place didn't look like this before. Glancing down at your hand as you felt something appeared in it. A turquoise orb with a snowflake symbol, socketed into a silver frame with a pair of small wings on bottom at each side.

You knew what it was. Taking a hold on it and looking up. You never thought of ever receiving your own vision. Never feeling worthy to have one. Yet the cryo Archon thought otherwise. 

You did not remember how you got out of that place or what followed. Your body was exhausted and all you know is you will live to tell the tale. Whatever happened you just pushed it away, thinking it was the remaining strength you had, carrying you to safety.

Finger snapping brought you back to reality. Making you realize you had spaced out. Giving apologetic smiles to your already worried companions.

"Gosh. We thought you got possessed by something! We kept calling for you but you didn't respond!" 

Poor boy. His voice was worried and by the expression Paimon was making she was not feeling any better.

"Ah yes. I uh... Something crossed my mind, sorry about that, haha!"

Your eyes dropped down as you nervously fiddled with your fingers. They really want to see your workplace. Letting out a sigh. This had to come eventually. It's not like being ashamed or something, just feeling nervous.

"Alright then. I'll show you, with some luck we might catch up with my assistant so I could introduce you.~"

meeting with yue, talking about the stormterror, skip, rite and inspection, later the day meet traveler talking with tart and be not so nice cuz he fatui have some not really warm talk between you two, offering aether new clothes, then leaving after yue cuz you were going to tea house lol

The building was quite far away from the center. Hidden between two bigger ones, making it look smaller than it actually was. The receptionist was already gone. However people from security who were counting their last minutes for today greeted you with a bow. You motioned to them and kept walking with your friends right behind you.

"So this is the main hall where clothings get sewed together, the opposite doors are where all the fabric cutting happens. And the last door at the end of the corridor is the warehouse. We have another one on the upper floor, but that's for cleaning items only." 

Leading them around, letting them inside to check stuff from close distance. You even met somebody who was going home late, wishing them a nice evening. 

As the building seemed to be quite small from outside, there were many rooms inside. And even more things stuffed in.

"What's this room for?"

The blonde asked while he stood in front of the nameless door. Whilst you just chuckled.

"Some call it a relaxing room, others a sleepy room. It's just to assure nobody gets overly overworked. I know some people stay here until evening despite their work hours ends in mid afternoon." 

Both Aether and Paimon's lips are curling into an 'o'. Probably they did not expect to come across such a room like this. They followed you to your office. Well the office you shared with your assistant.

When you opened the door you found the lady sitting behind the table. She looked up and her eyes sparkled with joy. Getting up and coming closer to embrace you as always.

"Welcome back Lady y/n! I did not expect you to come this week!" 

You returned the embrace as it was something you always do with her. She was like a close friend to you despite the age difference between the two of you. She might have two kids around age of 10 but she is still looking so young and pretty. Also she loves to spoil you like you are one of hers.

"Mrs. Yue this is Aether and his friend Paimon I told you about during my last visit. Aether, Paimon this is Mrs. Yuefeng, my assistant and probably the main pillar of this company."

It was hilarious to observe how the two of them didn't know the greeting here. Trying to mimic what Yue did. 

"Welcome at Qingshan Clothing! You are indeed very cute as Lady y/n said, hmm maybe too much."

Your eyes glancing between her and Aether, mouth partially opened to say something. Coughing away the awkwardness. 

"Please don't mind it. Everyone's cute in her eyes. At least everyone who is younger, which is practically all of us."

"Mmmh! Indeed! You are cute kiddies. I can't believe you are the ones who saved Mondstadt from the Stormterror. You look so innocent but you know what they say. Don't judge a book by its cover."

Yue giggled at her own remark. She was always like this, it was hard to believe such a nice lady like herself can deal with rough business so flawlessly. You glanced over at the table, noticing the mountain of paperwork.

"Well it's getting late. How about you go home my friend? I told you several times not to stay overtime." 

It felt weird to actually lecture a woman who could be acting as your mother but you had no choice. She smiled at you with a tired face.

"I hate to break it to you but this is urgent and has to be done by tomorrow morning. We were stressing about finishing the order in ti-"

"And that's exactly why I order you now to pack your stuff and go home. Relax. Enjoy kiddies and your husband. I'll finish it."

You gave up on having the entire evening free but oh boy you hated people working overtime. Why people can't just chill out. Always in stress and rush.

"But Lady..." She didn't finish her sentence. Your expression was more than serious. 

"Very well. Thank you, I'll treat you tomorrow for some tea. Oh! The rite! We could go there together and after it ends we will crash at our usual spot!" 

Well not like you had something against it. You came here mainly because of the rite. Everything else was just convenient enough, happening along the way. Entrusting Aether with Paimon to Yue's care. As she could take them to an inn. Observing how they disappeared behind a corner. 'I hate this work so much... I wonder if Diluc also has to deal with stuff like this or has people for it.’

Previous ✨ Next

[your--isgayrights]

3, 5, 17, 34 :?

3. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

Oooh hmm... Its hard to compare stuff I’ve written to other people’s writing, but I guess that the things I try to add to my writing that I wish there was more of is like, an emphasis on the relationships between characters more than plot developments, and weighing out the sort of long term emotional consequences of certain life events. I try to write every scene that I do with a specific purpose, and I have this specific feeling in mind while writing that I want to make sure is communicated to the reader so that they can understand it. Another big thing when I’m writing fic, mostly, is that I always want the reader to remember that they know who these characters are. There are a lot of AU fics that I’ve read where I’m just like... this is a great story, but I wonder why the author didn’t just use original characters, since it doesn’t really remind me of the original work. So I guess I think a significant feature of my fics is playing off the original text in a specific way?

5. What’s the fic you’re most proud of?

Ahhh, I’m the type who sees the flaws in older works rather clearly... I’d say that I’m rather proud of the first fic that I ever finished mostly because I just managed to finish it. It was only eight chapters long and I don’t think I like the writers craft much now, but if I think about it I think that I was putting something really genuine into it while writing that I’m proud that I managed to get out. Although, I have to say that I’m pretty proud of the direction that “and at the very least, the wall will change.” is going, even if its still a WIP. There’s some sections of it that I really want people to see, but I need to put in the build up first for it to properly make sense.

17. A trope you’ll never, ever write for.

Hmm... Well, there’s some obvious ones like the fact that I’m not really an nsfw writer or someone who does like trauma p*rn or gore or things like that. But I think a more fun answer is that I’m never going to write a love at first sight kind of fic. I’m kind of a big slowburn guy, and I really like writing relationships between people who have long, complicated histories with one another. I also don’t really know what it feels like to look at someone and feel attracted to them romantically right away, so its not something I would ever write about.

34. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of. 

Under the cut because I picked a long one!

“Won't you be mad with me, though?” Shin Yoosung hid her face against his leg as she asked him this sad question in that very small voice of hers. “For making you take care of Biyoo on your own…”

 …

It… it was an odd moment, because Kim Dokja had the realization that if he had known she was someone who knew Yoo Jonghyuk, he probably would have never spoken to the little girl who seemed so concerned over him now at all.

And he had been so preoccupied about this problem that only affected him that he hadn’t noticed that this kind girl was feeling so down on herself just now… truly he was a person who was far too self-concerned.

Kim Dokja extracted his leg from this young girl whose sense of responsibility was so admirable. She let him go with little resistance, seemingly not surprised by the action. The girl continued to hide her face by staring down at the ground.

He then crouched down so that he could meet Shin Yoosung’s eyes, putting his hand on her shoulder as he did.

 “Of course I’m not mad at you, Yoosung-ah.” He reassured her in the warmest voice he could manage. “After all, how can I really claim to be the only one taking care of Biyoo, when you’ve already helped me so much.”

He gently brushed some of her hair aside, so that her eyes, which had become slightly wet at this point, could meet his own.

“You saved Biyoo’s life when you took her in from the snow.” He wanted to make sure that this was something that Shin Yoosung completely understood. “She would have died if you hadn’t rescued her, you know that?”

The young girl who was not quite yet crying wiped her face a little. “I-I know that.” She said the right words, but in a voice that made Kim Dokja believe she didn’t quite understand the significance of them.

“And, you know,” Kim Dokja went on, “If I had been the one to find Biyoo in the snow, I wouldn’t have known what to do at all. It’s because you know so much about animals, and care so much about them, that you were able to save her life, and tell me all of the important instructions on how to properly take care of her. So every time I remember those words that you gave to me, and use them to properly take care of Biyoo, that’s you saving her life again, alright?”

 “A-alright…” Shin Yoosung sniffled a bit, but nodded her head.

 Kim Dokja cursed himself a bit, thinking that all the odd things he had suddenly started to say had made Shin Yoosung a little more emotional.

 “So you’ve done enough.” He summarized what he had wanted to say to her. “You can just go enjoy your dinner now, and not feel so guilty about it, okay?”

 “O-okay.” Shin Yoosung nodded once more, this time more vigorously. As if she really believed him.

Good. He patted the girl once more on the top of her head, before standing back up.

I don’t know if this came across in text because no one really commented on it, but this scene of KDJ comforting SYS was really important to me, one of the most important scenes in the chapter. It sort of mirrors this feeling I was having about some of my friends and the way that I loved them and how the positive things they have said to me over the years carry me on. Everytime I remember someone that I truly love, I remember a different way that they saved my life. And well, in fiction I don’t want to give too much away before chapter six, but I do want to mention that all of the relationship moments I choose to include follow similar themes for a reason, and I’m a bit proud of how the continuity is starting to flow together as I write more scenes in chapter 4.

[scholarquestresourcemanagement]

< The previous page (page 3)

The disadvantage of not packing for myself is that I have no idea what she packed for me to read… I guess not really a disadvantage, it’s kind of a surprise. Sorta fun… lets see.

Put my paw into the bag, pull out a random book or scroll… aaaaand….

...Author name looks Canid… ugh, okay maybe it is a disadvantage.

Try again, hmm.

“Those who brought us here.”

The book isn’t a thick one, bound in a reddish brown leather. Smells… old, comforting. It lacks an author's name, just a title and an image of a talon. Engraved with heat, into the leather front.

It’s fairly pleasant.

It smells good, the talon on the cover feels pleasant to run my paws over. It’s not too long, and possibly written by an Avian… which, considering that I’m traveling with one, it could be useful to have some insight into their thoughts.

The subject… “those who brought us here”... information on them is often rather… unreliable. Mostly based on myth, especially on the earlier days of this world…

There’s a rock digging into my butt, that will not do.

Not the ideal reading location, I guess the fresh air is somewhat pleasant… but I’d much rather be at home… urgh.

Anyway, with that out the way…

“Those who brought us here. A telling of the first age, a story of how things became to be.”

Well that’s the first page… literally all that’s on it. The writing’s fairly big, but still most of the page is blank.

“There is nothing. With a splash, there is something.

A great canine, taller than any mountain. As vast as any sea. Sets down into the nothing. It’s body turning nothing into something.”

...Oh great, I’ve heard this before. Personally I have many doubts that the world is a giant dog.

“That nothing, becoming something. Becomes an ocean of nothing, of which the canine can swim though. Which they do, it’s head staying above the nothing. Looking out into nothing, in the total darkness of nothing.

It moves with purpose, guided. For it is not alone, on top its head a council of those who brought it here.

A crowd of beasts, both big and small gather between its ears.

For they who brought it here, have a purpose for doing so. Though that purpose known only to them.

They meet to discuss their mission, and one thing is certain between those who brought it here.

It is dark.

They look out, across the great snout. Darkness meets their gaze, as they look out across the void.

The can barely see themselves, or each other. Which will not do.

Groups of those who brought it here, set out. In search of light, their bodies fading off into the void.

With no light, without a sun there is no method of counting time’s passage. Those who stay behind, do so for an unknown number of days, or months, or years.

The search yielding no result.

Then like it was always there, those who brought it here brought something else. Bright, warm sunlight broke out across the canine’s back, blinding those who stayed behind.

A mountain spike, higher then -”

Thud

He’s sat down beside me, feathers brushing up against my face… ugh, why.

“What’cha reading there?”

I push his feathers out of my face, he apologises while rearranging himself. I swear one went in my mouth.

There’s a talon in my face... He apologises again, apparently he had knocked my glasses off. His talon presses them back onto my snout.

“Sooo then, what is it ya reading?”

He repeats his question. Even with his feathers removed from my face, he is too close.

“...Nothing, since you interrupted.”

“Aww, c'mon don’t be like that.”

“...A children's story book.”

“...A children’s book? Aren’t you meant to be some kinda scholar type?”

“Your point?”

“Shouldn’t ya be reading something a bit more advanced.”

“Shouldn’t you be setting up somewhere for yourself to sleep?”

“I’m done.”

I look over, my servants finishing setting up my tent. Though that appears to be the only one.

“I don’t see your tent.”

“Don’t need one! Weathers calm, perfect night to sleep under the stars.”

“...Do you even know what a star is?”

“I’ve seen pictures!”

He seems very proud of that fact…

I’d never thought I’d admit it, but I actually kind of miss stars. The night sky is awfully boring without them.

It’s kind of a shame, if it’s the only sky you’ve ever known.

“You still haven’t told me what it’s about.”

“...It’s a story about the first age.”

“How boring.”

“I’d rather be reading it right now, than having this conversation.”

“Rude.”

“So is interrupting.”

“You’ve hurt my feelings.”

He’s smirking like an idiot. This is all awfully amusing to him… urgh, I think I would have rather had a Canid then him honestly.

My servant’s practically done with the tent, and somehow I don’t think I’m going to be finishing this tonight…

“I’m going to bed.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Its waaaaay too early, come on.” He scoots himself away from me, sitting in front rather than beside. “Don’t be like that, I’ll leave you alone to read.”

He’s kind of ruined my reading flow… but it is too bright out to sleep… urgh.

“I have my own things to do after all, blades to sharpen. Armour to oil, it’s a lot of work you know. This line of work.”

For someone who’s apparently leaving me alone to read, he’s continuing to do a lot of talking. It’s probably an avian thing. Birds make a ton of noise, it makes sense that their more anthropomorphic counterparts are talkative…

“A lot less interesting than you’d think too! People think it’s all adventure and violence but really it’s a whole bunch of walking about! Like this job, I’m just following you around. It’s not exciting at all, easy money sure… but really not interesting.”

He’s just, yapping now… urgh.

“Even with such an easy job, there’s a lot that has to go into it. I still have to maintain all my gear, still have to carry it all. It’s not light you know.”

For an Avian, he’s awfully beardy… I didn’t know they could even have beards. I guess it’s less of a beard though? As its kinda coming from around his eyes.

“I am going to ache for days after this trip you know, I guess at least it keeps me in shape. Never going to get fat, lugging all this shit around.”

He’s really just going to keep talking...

And I’m apparently just going to sit here and listen to it.

“I have no idea how you manage it, as a scholar you’re probably nowhere near as active as I am. Yet you’ve kept yourself in shape, do you work out?”

“No.”

“How aren’t you fat, sitting around all day reading?”

“...I just don’t eat that much...”

I prefered it when I didn’t have to be involved in this conversation… urgh.

“Not much of a food person then, I guess that works.”

I think I’m going back to my original plan. It is at least getting a little on the dark side.

“I’m going to bed.”

“No, no I’m sorry. I’ve been talking your ears off haven’t I. I’ll be quiet! No more talking from now on I promise.”

“Why are you so insistent on me staying around.”

“Who wouldn’t want to be around such a pretty thing such as yourself?”

Urgh, back to that… great.

I guess I do want to finish the story…

Where was I…

“A mountain spike, higher than the tallest of towers. Reaching higher than the birds can fly

A grand temple, perched atop.

Its greatest heights obscured by a blinding orb of light.”

...He’s started whistling… really.

I glare at him, and he stops. A dumb smirk clear on his beak. I’m pretty sure he’s trying to annoy me now.

I close the book, and remove my glasses. Putting them away in my pack.

“Ookay okay, I promise I’ll stop. Quite from now on.”

“I’m going to sleep.”

“Don’t be such a grouch, I’m only messing with ya.”

“You’re being a nuisance.”

“I’ll stop, I’ll stop.”

“I’m going to bed.”

“You’re no fun.”

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[sanguinesprout]

Things and stuff... and things... and stuff... and things... .__. (some more thoughts and frustrations, talk about troubles and general feels)

Hmm.. I’ve put off writing again and forgotten things again... things lately have been... kind of bleh... melancholy and non-progressive. I’ve got the negative thinking hat on right now, I know. I wanna take it off though, it’s snug to the point my head hurts but it doesn’t seem to wanna budge yet so imma just roll with it a little while longer. Forgive me for my excessive and probably incorrect use of ellipses, it’s just really hard to find the words, I just smh to myself all the time whenever I try writing really.

Maybe I should make a twitter or something so I can briefly write my thoughts when I actually have them, I’ve thought about this quite a few times in the past. It seems kind of an effort though... my phone is busted and whipping out my pc whenever or writing on paper is kinda out of the question cause I’m much too cowardly and paranoid. I’ll save the thought for another time though (another time probably meaning never orz).

Everyday just feels... heavy and bleak. Like there’s rainclouds permanently hanging over my head even when it’s a sunny day and everyone outside is chirpy and happy. I’m so foggy and sickly feeling from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep. Everything’s so overwhelming, the thoughts, the senses, all in overdrive and concentration on anything is impossible. I can’t help but feel like don’t know what to do or what I’m even doing has a point and I’m spiralling into the sea of darkness again. I��m lost, so terribly lost, but I can see a small light in the distance. Although it’s far, if I keep going maybe I can still find my way back out. I won’t ever give up hope, even if I feel like there isn’t any at all a lot of the time. I just need to keep going..!

Hmm, okay, I've been tidying my room and pc some more lately. Came across my dyslexia reports (mentioned in one of my previous posts) which I’d been wanting to take another look at since it’s been years, so I did. I read through them both and the first thing I would have to say is that I’m an idiot. Not in the sense of anything related to the disorder or report itself or anything offensive, but in the fact that I disregarded and was negligent towards the diagnoses and advice. I don’t know why I’m so skeptical or maybe still in denial towards this, I think I’m still rather uniformed myself even though I have researched it quite a lot but keep forgetting or misinterpreting details. I feel unsure because like I said at other times, things relating to mental function overlap/can have multiple possible causes. It’s that ‘I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket’ kind of feeling, if that makes sense. I don’t want things in general to become self fulfilling prophecies, because once my mind goes running, it really doesn’t want to come back.

Maybe because I’ve had these struggles all my life I just saw it as normal, as just how I am or something and so to casually dismiss it. Or maybe... it just feels like because maybe no one else around me took it seriously, that I then followed them and didn’t take it seriously either or was too scared to. Being told you’re lazy and slow and things like that all the time and finding out you have legitimate explanation or cause for these troubles, it should be a good sort of thing to know, act on and inform people of. But... instead I have the feeling that it sounds like just an excuse to everyone else, it’s just so easily misinterpreted and kind of difficult to comprehend, explain or believe I guess, idk... :<

The first report from college said I had mild dyslexia and the second more detailed report from uni said I had Dyslexia, ADD (is it called Inattentive ADHD nowadays?) and Irlen syndrome (will maybe write about another time). The Dyslexia mentioned in both was mostly relating to my processing and memory being meh I think. Even though I read them the other day I can’t remember the contents properly, lovely .__. ADD is actually a lot more than I thought it was... I googled it again recently and a lot of the symptoms are similar or overlap with those of AVPD and other things. I want to find an article to link it (though it’s not really necessary) or re-read the report again but even now my head hurts so bad and I just wanna go flop on the bed. I’m really struggling, the mental effort is so strenuous with everything little I do. Even the simplest things wear me out so much that I’m just getting so frustrated and exhausted over and over again. 

Some advice was to go to the doctor for medication to help with the ADD (which I obviously didn’t do). I’m wondering if I should try now, even though it’s been pretty long since the report was written, even though my parents will probably just shun the idea, even though I’m scared of side effects... If it helps, if it makes a difference, it could even be a life changer maybe, or even if it doesn’t help, I’ll never know unless I try... it’s tough... I need to research it some more.

I really badly want to get this post done because thinking about it for so many days (like every other post) has left me with so much anguish, but it’s so hard to formulate the words to express what I really want to say. I feel like I’ve set too much of a structure with my other posts and the general flow of the blog. Also like I’ve set up a certain standard for myself that I feel pressured to try and match every time. I’m just such a ridiculously troublesome and self sabotaging person ughhhh! No no, stop being so negative...! ><

I think I will keep it brief this time and re-visit and elaborate when I can think more clearly next time. Don’t be so hard on yourself, silly... Maybe I should just bullet point my thoughts and stuff so I’ll stop worrying about the structure and grammar and whatever, but I guess it might make less sense then... but when have my posts ever made sense lol... One of the things in one of my dyslexia reports said my writing sample was good but I played it safe with the topic and vocabulary and my paragraphing sucked hahaha. But with more practice, there is improvement. I mean my paragraphing is probably still pretty weird, and my punctuation, I do remember having trouble with it when I was little, but I think I have improved in the general writing department, I’m kind of proud-ish, yay!

Moving on from that subject, I’ve been feeling pretty sad and worried about my family... or well my parents in particular. It’s like... I know I have a very poor quality of life because of health and lack of social stuff, but so do my parents and they never speak about this (no surprise here), but I know about it and I really want to help but when I do they just brush it off or get annoyed... :/ They sacrifice so much of their health for work, and they work so I can live and leech off them pretty much :<

Ugh I’m too brain foggy and distracted... I need a break... :c ...Hmm okay, distracted myself for a bit, nao back to writing something... or not....

*A few days later* welp, uhh... still very groggy and very neck muscle/jaw tension wow. Per usual I forgot what I wanted to say even more lol. I don’t like writing negative/personal stuff about my parents, feels bad man x 10000 .__. I don’t like writing any of this stuff at all, but I can’t give up! Or well, I won’t give up! c: I went back and edited/added to the stuff I wrote, good! Now to continue!

Hmm... in relation my parents having not much concern over their well-being(?) uhh, let’s take the other day for example. I was just saying to my dad that he shouldn’t use expired stuff or things for purposes they’re not designed for or overwork and he got annoyed instantly as usual. I was saying it because I care for him and am worried about his health but I was finding it really hard to express this because of the language barrier. I still tried my best though and after quite a while remembered a certain phrase which is something like wishing or wanting someone to be healthy/have a healthy body. I remembered it because I just heard it a lot the past year and recently (probably a few months ago now) my dad’s bro phoned and said it to me and my dad. He actually wasn’t annoyed anymore after that, maybe because he caught on to what my intentions were or maybe just because he saw me looking upset idk (I got a bit teary but tried to keep looking down and stuff).

Something I also remember and have been wanting to mention, is that my uncle also said to me that same time while my dad was there (he was holding the phone on loudspeaker), that if there is anything troubling me, I shouldn’t hold it all in (my heart) because it’s no good for my health and should speak about it with my parents and stuff (...um maybe this would be possible in an alternate world, but it seems unlikely to work or happen here .__.). My dad’s bro is such a wonderful person and I’m really so thankful and glad my dad has been able to keep in contact with him lately, and to actually see him happy and stuff. I just wish I could’ve talked to him better myself but I froze up cause language barrier and avpd life ugh. That reminds me of another thing, I have relatives but they are all like strangers to me and there’s the language barrier again and it’s just hella awkward... it sucks :c 

I need to stop being such a weenie about everything. No, I say stop too much. I should cease and desist from being such a weenie. Hm... I need to cease and desist from putting myself down and beating my self up, unless it’s beating myself up with only positivity, if that is even possible. Haha that’s a thought... replacing the negative stuff with positive but keeping it in the same attacking tone of voice, it’s pretty amusing. Reminds me of those rap battles I saw on the internets which have complimenting instead of dissing lmao. The more sensical phrase would be to lift yourself up with positivity. Imma make sure to do this instead, lift myself up off my sad butt and get moving. Do you even lift bruh?Lololol :3

I’ve been kinda avoiding going out a bit more lately, I’m so self-conscious and it’s just been getting worse and worser, especially since I’m exposing myself to all these seemingly perfect people on places like Instagram. I can’t help but compare and feel inferior and just ugh. All these people I see are not afraid to like what they like or do and say what they want without feeling ashamed. I aspire to be like them, truly. Seeing that they like things I also like (that I feel stupidly ashamed of and just hide), think and say things similar or exactly on the point of what I would like to (but can never muster the courage to) and are still appreciated and liked is kind of eye opening and reassuring. It gives me hope that if I just really be myself someday, then it’ll actually be okay.

There’s a lot of stuff I wanted to write but kinda just slipped my mind as I focused on other bits, but this post is pretty darn long enough already anyways and my eyes and head are hurting. I guess it’s a good time to end the post and catch some Z’s. I’ll give myself a pat on my (sore aching granneh) back for managing to write even though I felt like I really couldn’t (and wanted to avoid doing so more) and to write out some things I thought I wouldn’t. I did it and I want to continue to get better at expressing and understanding myself! Go go silly me! ^^

Good night~!