#like you cant deny how cool it is in theory but like all the side effects are so bad. plus it tastes bad

[m-jay-gee]

smoking is so cool except the whole cancer thing...

[skaldish]

this is kind of a complicated question so totally cool if you dont have an answer or want to direct me to a different person/other resources. i was raised an atheist by now atheist but raised christian parents (so i grew up with a catholic extended family, my grandma baptized me as a baby, i had christmas and easter and all that). however my family also has, in the past, a lot of connection to norse mythos and heathenism generally (we're from iceland and all over scandinavia generally, the first generation of my family over here was obsessed with norse mythos and i grew up hearing stories from the edda and folk stories about trolls and giants and stuff like that, i have a set of runes for casting that have been passed down my mom's side). i have a ton of interest in norse mythos and old norse culture and "vikings" are my special interest. I really feel a pull toward norse paganism but i just cant get rid of the deeply skeptical part of me that was raised by atheists and that just cannot convince itself to believe in anything i cant directly prove to myself with like. scientific evidence. i feel this need in myself for some sort of higher belief or religion but i cant push past my skepticism either. basically i want faith but i cant have it myself because i need definitive proof to believe in something. im not really sure what im asking for here, just general advice about this i guess?

I'm also a person that has no faith, and frankly never will.

I grew up with science in an a-religious household, and learned early on that anything "real" in this world was something whose existence was self-evident, so gods and spirits were nothing more than theory for me for a while.

What happened to me is that this shit was, in a sense, proven.

Now, "proof" in this context is not empirical and objective proof. I can't replicate my experiences of gods and spirits in another person like science would demand. But neither can I replicate the experience I had listening to a certain song for the first time, or reading a certain book. It's the same concept with gods.

I ended up asking Loki to prove himself because my brain simply refused to believe his existence without it. He sent me no less than 11 different dreams and oodles of signs, one of which was an incredibly uncanny coincidence. It got to the point where denying the data was actually harder than accepting the significance of the picture it painted, even though you could theoretically argue that I hallucinated it all.

(But then we have an argument of ethics on our hands. Is the humane course of action to reject the experiences as valid and label myself as insane, or to try to adopt a new model of the world that allows for the existence of such things?)

This kind of metaphysical experience is what we call "Unverified Personal Gnosis" in the community, and it's very much the "meta" of the physical world—the result of conversations we have with the universe, of socializing with the natural world the way we socialize with each other.

My mind still struggles with this stuff at times, but only because it gets bogged down in how "socially unacceptable" it is to believe in it, especially when my experiences point to incredible things. But I can't deny the heaps of data I've amassed for myself at this point, because I'd be straight gaslighting myself.

I think Shakespeare said it best, honestly: "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." There's nothing quite like exploring spirituality to get you to really, truly understand this.

[ccsthemovie2]

Character-Clow Reed

(avril lavingne voice) WHYD YOU HAVE TO GO AND MAKE THINGS SO CLOWMPLICATEEEED I SEE THE WAY YOURE ACTING LIKE YOURE SOMEBODY ELSE GETS ME FRUSTRATED- ok jokes aside LETS GOOOOO 

Why I like them:

for all my angry yelling and kicking and complaining you may be surprised to learn that clow(riol) is one of my favorite parts of ccs! 

i think that having the Mystery and Legend of a long-dead wizard that hangs over sakura’s head at the start get light shed on it more and more so that we can see he’s just a person makes the world of ccs feel small and personal. it really stabilizes the heart of the series, what i love most about ccs- that it’s a story about individuals and the choices they make. the magic itself all traces back to one man and the way he felt it was right to act and to treat other people. i think he’s a fascinating character and a very very good choice of central figure.

Why I don’t:

THAT SAID, AAAAAGHHHHH HE IS HORRIBLE HE IS JUST A TERRIBLE LITTLE MAN I HATE HIM I HATE HIM SOOOO MUCH. even putting aside everything he* pulls as eriol, just the things he does as clow reed make me SO upset....LYING ABOUT HIS DEATH??? ELABORATE SETUP TO PRETEND KERO AND YUE HAVE A CHOICE IN THE MATTER OF CHOOSING THE NEW CARD MASTER BUT ACTUALLY KNOWING ALL ALONG AND HAVING A SPECIAL MAGIC ITEM MADE TO SEE THAT IT GETS DONE??? BREEZING INTO A TOWN TO STEAL A FORTUNE TELLER’S BUSINESS, GETTING HER NICE AND KATE BEATON NEMESIS.PNG’D, AND THEN IGNORING HER FOREVER??? it’s bad!! *(it’s complicated,) ive said this jokingly before but i think he just doesnt even think about other people having agency, that he’s not trampling but Guiding and Helping. i think part of his controlfreakiness is also a deep fear that he’s not enough, that he can’t keep a friend on his own merits so he’s gotta get his claws sunk in as much as possible, whether by emotionally living rent free in people’s heads or magical dependance. and that’s not a uniquely horrible belief, yknow, i think it’s very human and normal, but the problem is no one can criticize him. not with the amount of control he has over the people he surrounds himself with, the fact that he can physically shut down kero and yue any time he likes, etc. it’s not that power inherently Makes You Evil, it’s that power made it harder for people to say “hey stop that”, and if no ones telling him to stop then he must be doing fine!

Favorite episode (scene if movie):

GENUINE TIE BETWEEN THE BACK TO THE PAST EP OF THE ANIME AND THE SAKURA SEES THE TRUTH SCENE IN MANGA. i think both of them are great- the tightly controlled dreamy guided tour where she sees just what he wants her to see, AND sakura outpowering him and seeing the reality of his lies. in the manga when sakura sees him gives gentle headkisses to kero and yue before putting them to bed and eriol+fujitaka-ing i go AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ....... THEY LOVE SOMEONE WHO IS TERRIBLE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUU MY HEART. i headcanon that’s when he mind-messed with them, too, i think he had to touch them to do it and that was how.

Favorite season/movie:

bold answer but im going to say the implications left behind in the clow card arc of Why Do Cards Act Like That/Have Those Specialties. what about clow made him want to make a voice-stealing card, a small-object-moving-card, a body-swap card, etc? it’s good questions.

Favorite line:

in the mokona book when they say he said dogs dont have owners they have housemates, bc that explains SOOOOO much abt him and how he treated kero and yue lololol. if you think being a pet owner and a roomate are the same you’re gonna treat your roomates, uhhhm, bad.

also if eriol counts its him in the wonderland ep like YOU DONT KNOW IF IM NOT THE KINDA PERSON TO PRETEND TO BE A CAT and I THINK YOU AND LI ARE SO DUMB I HAVE TO BITE MY TONGUE CONSTANTLY TO NOT INSULT YOU and BUT I CANT ACT LIKE THIS OR KERO AND YUE WILL KNOW IM CLOW. so like. was clow just like that then.

Favorite outfit:

uh his regular clothes are cool. theres an illustration on him in this cool coat with like a sun pin on it too. whenever i draw him in something frilly i have a huge brain. cant deny the guy has style and aesthetics. sakura’s first staff, look at it!! the style it has!!! 

OTP: 

im neutral-positive on clowyuuko cuz i havent holic’d since high school. you can refer to the answer i gave abt yue for clowyue thoughts (tl;dr: [touches ground] “something terrible happened here” ). madoushi is just kate beaton nemesis comic. 

i think it would be funny if albus dumbledore was his ex.

Brotp 

yuuko again i guess? and him and all his creations. headcanon territory even though that’s actually the next question but you asked for my thoughts so here they are: i think of him as trying to be a sort of fun camp counselor or teacher type for kero+yue and the cards- specifically a role with an authority behind it, but without the same sort of responsibility that a parent would have. or, i guess, lacking an unconditional love, always an undertone of you having to prove yourself. someone who you go to to learn from, but if he likes can also go “no no im just like you, now let’s have fun!”. it’s hard to explain, but there’s a difference. 

what i’m trying to get at here is i think it’s significant that the only creations he has that we see him truly ‘raise’, (going by the info+lack of it we have, anyway, i fill in the blank for myself that kero and yue and the cards all showed up full of knowledge, fully formed, CLAMP DO NOT INTERACT!!!!!), were the mokonas, with yuuko. it was another person’s influence that brought a parental attitude in, it’s not something he ever wanted to be. there’s also a healthy dose of “yue textually had a crush on clow and i will not, no way, let you make that any more unfortunate than that already is”, i’ll admit, but i think that’s just a puzzle piece of the whole theory here. i think it would also be funny if he knew people like tolkein (eriol’s a tolkeinverse name if i remember correctly) and c.s. lewis (side note, i find the fact that clow is an actively practicing christian really funny), but i dont want to think too deeply about that sort of realworld mix, yknow.

Head Canon: 

i think pranks were highly encouraged in his house and none of the clow cards are being intentionally destructive, just acting in ways that were totally normal at home, and are genuinely shocked to learn that people will get seriously injured without clow there to cushion their damage.

Unpopular opinion: 

evil

A wish: 

i wanna know what his pre-story days were like, his life with the cards, his life BEFORE the cards,

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: 

^ same the above but i find it out from clamp

5 words to best describe them:

did you know? clow sucks

My nickname for them: 

clown, :kingboo: (discord emoji of him with a 🚫 over it), “the bastard jester himself” (which is, or at least was, in comedian-podcaster stephen buckleys twitter bio and i think it abt clow frequently, sorry stephen buckley), king of living rent free in people’s heads

[reneereadskingdomofash]

Thoughts on the Ships in Kingdom of Ash

Ok, I’m writing some thoughts on the Ships in Kingdom of Ash. I’ve jumped onto a few posts, but I feel like I’m probably not being clear because well, I talk to people outside of those posts via different channels and so people aren’t getting the full picture. 

Not that this matters of course, the internet and tumblr is only a snapshot, but I wanted to write some clear thoughts on the Ships and how I am feeling about them before/during/and now two weeks after having finished the book. 1. perspectives change. 2. Reading other peoples thoughts that might enhance our own understanding happens too. **SPOILERS BELOW CUT**

Rowaelin

Before Koa: Yes, I dig it. Empire of Storms was their peak love story! Heir of Fire gave me all the Angst - love and hate, falling in love with the trainer, Queen of Shadows gave me my reunion and happiness to fight the bad guys and Empire of Storms gave me the sexy times. The Ship had sailed. Then Maeve came in Empire of Storms. And I was worried for my ship, but only because I was worried for the individual parts of the whole. What happens if they die! What happens if Aelin isn’t who she was. What happens to them! they deserve a happily ever after. *insert renee crying lots at the end of Empire of Storms* 

During Koa: I was scared. Aelin wasn’t who she was. Rowan was loosing himself in the hunt for her. What was this new thing between Fenrys and her and Rowan was on the outs? What did this mean? Why couldn't she talk? Where was my Aelin!!! Aelin had hardened and I was scared, and Rowan was scared and it made me think - she’s going to die and i’m going to cry. Then Aneille happened and Aelin almost came back. She was as close to the old Aelin as I think was possible given the trauma that she went through. Rowan didn’t care. He would have loved her anyway. Such a pure ship. And then they go on to save the world. Once Aelin had forged the lock, I wasn’t scared for her anymore. I didn’t think she might die, I didn’t think Rowan would either. The lock felt like it was the start of their happy ending. Sure lots of stuff to go on but the ship was good. 

After Koa: Same feelings. I still love Rowaelin. But I got to experience their journey over 4 books! It was satisfying in that they had page time but it didn't detract from the story. So When I’m not enthusiastic about Rowaelin - Its not because I don’t love them, I’ve just been with them a long time. There wasn’t any doubt in my mind that they would be ok. 

Elorcan (aka the ship I wanted to sail more than any other)

Before  Koa: I was scared. I feel so hard into this ship when I read Empire of Storms. And then when I re-read it before KoA I fell harder. I loved Lorcan from the start. A grumpy demi-fae, who is the most powerful, who seems angry, who doesn’t show emotions, who would do anything for his friends. (sure misguided sometimes - but that’s what it boils down to). He came to Rowan’s aid in Heir of Fire. He came for his friend. Not his general. He didn’t have time for Aelin - some mortal girl who people had an interest in. It wasn’t why he came. People who know me - know I have been cheering for Lorcan the past two years. That he’s going to show this side of himself. My morally grey Lorcan. And then Queen of Shadows and Empire of Storms happened. Oh man. Elide, my witch baby standing up for those who cant do it for themselves! She took on Vernon for Kaltain, she is bad-ass! She is the my love just as Lorcan is my love. I’m so torn I love them both. Its a good thing they found each other. Anyway. Elide stands up to him, she fights for herself and others. She protects him and he does the same back. So I love them. Elide threw herself in front of a wolf (Fenrys to save him!) And When Lorcan called for Maeve - my heart sank. Lorcan u big Dummy! I love you but come on! And then the theories started. and I wrote some too. Maybe if I think of the worst possible thing that can happen and put it out into the world it wont happen. Like jinxing the bad stuff. Lorcan “SALVATERRE” savior of lands- does that mean he will sacrifice himself??? Honestly my biggest fear going in. 

During  Koa: Kingdom of Ash was a roller-coaster for my ship. I was so invested in everything they did. I paid way too much attention to their sections than other ships. - honestly I skim read nestaq scenes (who I love). which is bad I know. but elorcan for life apparently.  And Lorcan was being sneaky and trying to help Elide be comfortable (sure more period talk but what ever) because he had been traveling with her for months and months and knew she needed stuff. He shows love by doing. Not always doing the right thing (his decision making skills need work) - but he tries. Elide was a bitch at the start. Just going to say it. Sure she might have been justified, but sometimes you don’t need to voice all the nasty things in your head. And I got mad at her. Then she basically said she wouldn’t care if Lorcan died. And his heart broke and my heart broke and I was upset and probably crying.  AND THEN THE BATTLE OF ANEILLE HAPPENED AND I CRIED!!! AND I SCREAMED AT MY BOOK. Direct quote from my notes: “ P500 - NOT HAPPY! Lorcan!!!! OMG NOT HAPPY! LORCAN JUST DROPPED HIS SHEILDS - fucking egg! Omg ahhh! Crap. Crap crap.”  I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have dropped his shields if Elide hadn’t said such horrible things to him and he didn’t feel like he needed to die. So I was mad, fucking live you dork. Its just a girl! I ship you two, but if You are both going to be Dorks then I don’t!  So when Elide went to go find him I was like - OMG YES U DO LOVE HIM... direct quote from my notes:  “ I'm crying .... Elide- "I will always find you", running down the stairs... oh it hurts.... please please be ok ....  Ahhh she grabbed chaols horse! A horse for Hellas himself... ahh Lol and then that's explained a couple of pages over Lorcan!!!(517) "Get up" :sobbing emojis: "I promised to always find you. I promised you, and you promised me. I came for you because of it; I am here because of it. I am here for you, do you understand? And if we don't get onto that horse now, we won't stand a chance against that dam. We will die." P 520 :more sobbing emojis: Omg :more sobbing emojis: You have to let me go I love you And I will be with you.... I will be with you always :more sobbing emojis: Lorcan Omg Fucking hell And elide! Yes! You claw at him girl!! That dam! Oof Omg my ship - you are killing me “

Honestly. Such a Rollercoaster. So as you can see I was invested. and then they seemed to tentatively get over each other and what happened and proceeded to get cuter and cuter as the book went on and just gave me warm fuzzies and happiness. 

After Koa: I love this ship. I would die for this ship. Fight me! - oh majority of fandom also Like my ship now... cool cool. that’s cool. guess we cool.

Manorian

Before Koa: I dig it. Its alright. Manon eats men for breakfast so Dorian has a little bit of a death wish but I can see that playfulness, that bond from living a similar life. Heirs in name only, for the longest time. I appreciated it, but wasn't strongly invested. I had picked my OTP already. Still enjoy this ship tho - just less invested.

During Koa: I really liked the tentative relationship between Manon and Dorian. I have so many notes about how I think he is a witch tho - so those stand out in my notes more than ship points. I liked that they shared a tent when Manon never did. I liked that Dorian spent time with the 13 developing friendships. It showed that he wanted to know Manon, more than just for sex. But it also cannot be denied that they like sex and used it to avoid talking. That happens in relationships too - not necessarily bad. Its one of the things I actually like about SJM’s ships they aren’t cookie cutter relationships. But I did feel like both Manon and Dorian chose the mission over the relationship (For Now) which is fine too btw. In life we might take a job in a different city and do long distance and still come back to each other. I think Dorian lying to Manon on their last night together by omission is a little sucky. But again. relationships have ups and downs. I’m glad it kinda ended there. Sure they come back together, But I like that its left open. Firstly because they have had the ship burn in flames - their isn’t an “unhappy” ending... the story is still playing out. We just cut away before seeing the end. 

After Koa: Wow ok. So people have lots of thoughts on this ship and maybe I should have been paying attention. Why don’t people like it open ended... ok? maybe its a loose end but there is still a book to come (the world of throne of glass) and sure its not a novel about Aelin. This doesn't mean it wont tell us about the encyclopedic history or Ardarlan and the Witch kingdom and how both are run by people who are seeing each other. A certain boy who knows how to use portals to get from one place to the other quickly - doesn't seem like living on opposite sides on the continent is going to be a problem.... maybe that’s just the optimist in me. If they have children - a girl to rule the wastes and a boy to be king. Seems like an amazing fit. I’d really like to see this happen tbh, but this takes time and time KoA didn’t have in the pages - but - maybe - the world of throne of glass will.  

Chaorian

Before Koa: Ahh cute - they had their love story i’m happy!

During Koa: Damn I love Yrene. Shes the best. Chaol, you are ok too - but Yrene has your back and is the light relief in your life. Chaol you are too serious - listen to your wife.

After Koa: awwww little wittle chaorene babies. awwwwww daddy Chaol. awww  uncle Dorian. <3 <3 so many warm fuzzies.

Nestaq

Before Koa: I ship them so Hard OMG SARTAQ I LOVE YOU. You are a way better fit for Nesryn than Chaol. Man i’m glad she met you. 

During Koa: oof Sartaq why u gotta have a Khagan hat on - you are so serious. Good thing Borte is there. 

After Koa: Nesryn has no idea what she is in for - Can I please get more Yeran and Borte. Still love Nestaq - but I understand the peak of their story was in Tower of Dawn. 

Lysaedion

Before Koa: Oh Man you two. The end of Empire of Storms - Aedion you are a dick! Why! Why! Oh you better just be mad and make it up to her. You love her dang it, you wanted to marry her! Argh. I don’t know how to feel, I like them together - but what is this past Aedion has? What is coming. I don’t want to get my hopes up. 

During Koa: Aedion! Aedion! What! Are! you! doing!

I’m so mad at Aedion right now. You better apologise.

Its so complicated to break down. But basically Aedion is being an A-hole to Lysandra and she doesn’t deserve it. She is running herself into the ground and you do that! Aedion! I’m so conflicted, why are you a good dad to Evangeline but an awful person to Lys! AHHH AEDION STOP! 

After Koa: I still don’t know how to break down this relationship. It sets off so many red flags for me. - About how someone can be a great dad but an awful partner.  - About how someone can be abusive essentially but explain away their actions. - About how other people stand by and watch, when they see this behavior. - About how it is all “circumstances”. 

Now - I think its fine for people to work through things and overcome their problems if they want to but that takes time. What Aedion did in Kingdom of Ash did not make me think he should have been able to win Lysandra back as quickly as he did near the end of the book. And it hurts. However I know people in real life who have gone back to people who have treated them badly. So its not uncommon. It is their decision. It just hurts. 

Part of me wants them to get a divorce and I’ve made a couple of joke-ish statements about that. But I could have been on Lysaedion’s side if it had a similar ending to Manorian. If it was left hanging, left on a - lets see where this goes. War does strange things to people, and I think Aedion was affected more than others, but he needs to prove he isn’t going to be the man who threw Lysandra out into the cold. In my eyes at least. 

I have prob left ships out, and thoughts out but this is a lot of writing for me that’s not counting towards my nanowrimo - hahaha. 

[heyimthatguy-blog1]

I Regret Everything; And I’m Drunk. Again.

So. As I sit here typing this. I have a rum and coke. I’m listening to my favourite rapper’s latest song. (Being honest I listen to one rapper.) I’m wearing my comfy dressing gown, or robe for you American’s. And I regret everything. I went out for drinks tonight. With my beautiful, caring and wonderful fiance. Whom I do not deserve, the girl I have an insane crush on which may be more than just a crush and her boyfriend. And I cant really pick which of those three people I want to be around the least.

So let’s start with the title, eh? So I was in a pub in town, we we’re all having drinks. Having a good time chatting way. The dude was actually a pretty decent guy. He seemed to enjoy my conversation and theories about how the video game world is going and I genuinely enjoyed his similar opinions, despite how much the other side of me wanted to just hate him.

Anywho, after a while I drink more and more and I start to just drift away from the conversation as I usually do when I’ve been drinking. And I start to listen to the music. This particular pub we’re in is a sort of “90′s baby” pub. It plays songs that you either listened to a lot in secondary school or grew up with. Songs I did NOT listen to. So now you’re assuming, oh well Mr ThatGuy you must not be a 90s baby? 

You’d be wrong. I was in Secondary School while most of these songs were coming out and I was not unaware of these songs. I actively chose to avoid them. I used to tell myself it was because I didn’t like them and “didn’t want to be some sheep.” When, in retrospect, the bobbing of the my head in the pub, the humming along and how much I enjoyed watching the girl sing along told me that I didn’t dislike these songs, I just wanted so desperately to be unique and interesting that I shunned all possibilities of fitting in for the minute chance that I would become some interesting, quirky, character straight out of a movie script. 

In reality I was just one of the first, pathetic hipsters. Thinking that pretending to dislike what was popular made you cool and ‘interesting.’ All it did was ostracise me from my pears resulting in a friendless and lonely Secondary School experience. If all I did was accept that there was nothing wrong with enjoying popular music and also enjoying my own tastes at the same time, then I would have had a much more pleasant experience in life. Possibly, even, prevented a depressive existence.

I. Regret. Everything.

Look. As always this is not a sob story for you to sympathise with. Realistically all I’m hoping for is that one person in their formative years will find this blog and think “Jesus I don’t want to be like that guy.” And mend their hipster ways.

Anyway. Back to the sob story. That time in the pub just made me realise that I’d denied myself a High School. I had just spent five years of my life resisting. Resisting connections. Resisting growth. Resisting experience. Jesus Christ when I got to university and everyone was talking about their times getting pissed in the park with a bottle of cheap cider all I could do was nod a long and wonder “What was that like?”

I’m not recommending you go and do that on a regular basis but I know so many better people than I that did these things and weren’t harmed by them. Why did I resist so hard?

I love my fiance. She is a wonderful woman who takes care of me. She supports me in my musings and philosophical meanderings. But I cannot help but wonder what could have been if I had just been open to growth. Instead of shutting myself in my lonely, lonely box.

I would be a better man. A more well rounded man. An experienced man. A real human being.

All I am now is an underdeveloped teenager who’s about to hit 26 in a relationship he’s worried he’s not worthy of.

I regret almost every decision I have made since the age of 11. Everyday when I look into the mirror the only thing I see is the man that could have been.  And then the thing that is. The gaunt. Hateful. Empty thing that stares back at me with nothing but resentment. Knowingly. And he whispers. “You did this.”

- M

[wateenleventje]

The Beginning of Us

I used to write fiction. Nothing really remarkable, yet I enjoy composing fictious character's life and tell how love can change our life. Maybe because I watch too much romantic comedy. When I finally stop writing these type of writing, is I think because it does not give much impact to my personal life, let alone to bigger audience.

I decided to write more based on my real personal experience or share my thought in a blog platform. It feels different, it feels more therapeutic because I can stop bottling up what is on my mind and how I actually feel. It is also nice to have pensieve (Harry Potter vocab alert)!

I sometimes miss the good old days when I soak myself in the story of love. No matter how cheesy the story is, I believe that every person's life worth a once in a lifetime story, especially their journey of finding love. That is why I love watching movie about love story (Earlier episode of The Crown with Elizabeth and Philip's story, Felicity Jones' The Theory of Everything, Sandra Bullock's The Proposal, Hilary Duff's Cinderella Story, Lily Colin's Love, Rosie., Lindsay Lohan's The Parent Trap, Emily Clarke's Me Before You are some of my favorite). I enjoy reading hundred of pages (oh well, thousand? I even guilty for reading the whole Twilight Saga series) of how people's life twisted once love came. I kept quotes of love advice, reading and listening to random podcast, videos and blog post about love story, and I even wrote scientific paper about Long Distance Relationship couple (for my bachelor's thesis).

I have to admit that I even perceive so many things in my life happening in a way of a romantic comedy writer works. As an intro I would summed up that we started off as two strangers meeting in a destined time. We came with our own baggage a.k.a history and current situation on-going, but we just gotta meet that night and get through the labyrinth first. Even the setting could not be anymore "hollywood-like": one night, in a new city, simple hello and cheesy line, and we instantly hit if off. 

One thing lead to another, we did not just related, but we keep in touch regularly after that night. It was a memorable night and I was enchanted by him. However, it was on hold shortly after he casually mentioned about his current relationship and became supportive to my situation that time. I was not in my best state at that time, as I took so many careless choices and not focusing on what really matters in life and in love. I think, it was because I was 23 and living on the edge seems like a celebration of getting “my freedom”. 

Even when we became busy with our own circle, our own love life, and our routine, we maintain our close friendship. We came to each other naturally but carefully refraining ourselves from diving in real feeling. I somehow sense that I messed up a little too much and with him I just found a safe haven. I became so comfortable showing my actual thought and telling him how I felt, even when he frowned after hearing about it. I have to be honest, even though I was in a relationship with someone else by that time, I enjoyed his constant care (like taking the closest chair or walking beside me most of the time), his abudant encouragement (how he called me "genius" just because I told him excitedly that I passed my exam without caring the grades I have), our sweet personal talk (I remembered how he shared his "wedding theme song" to me when we were just friend), his being protective to me (not letting me out on my own during winter night) and making a big deal out of his spontaneous compliment (telling me that I made the best fried rice--just because I decided not to put chili on it, because he dislikes spicy food). I remembered that we spent so many alone time, one on one talk when our group of friends are hanging out, catching up in a short groceries walk.

By the end of our first semester, I noticed that something change between us. We become overtly friendlier but also trapped in our current situation. I was so consumed by a long distance relationship struggle back then and did not realize that he also getting close with someone else. I still think that he paid that degree of attention only to me and we have different level of closeness, so I got myself so comfortable with him. I was indulged in our special routine: taking time, just the two of us, strolling around the city in dawn, having kebab and soda when I need someone to talk to, watching the first snow shower together, and even had our best-honeymoon-trip-scenario, where he acted as if he helped me to create a honeymoon itinerary for the me and my future spouse while we just filled it with our favorite places.

I had my breakdown that year after a short holiday where we spent far away from each other as I just broke up from a relationship that I actually knew would not survive. Still, it hurts and what I wanted that new year eve was just to returned to our Maastricht and met him. I was delighted that he was eager to meet me and my parents as well, to the point he initiated it. We arranged a short trip out of the city and I can't deny how I felt about him once I found him getting along with my father. I watched them just sync effortlessly and how he made conversation with him all day long while me and my mom getting “busy” shopping. Maybe I was not rational at that time, wanting to escape from my heart break, but I swear I hear myself saying "I think, all these things happened so I can realize that Madeza is the one".

I did not pay attention or simply refute from seeing the signs, I let myself build hope that this might be a start of something new, only to find out that he had a new girl friend. I remembered that night very clearly, I remember the place when he told me casually about it. I felt like a fool and I keep wondering whether it was a plot twist in our story. Anyway, is it quite clear how our love story resembles one of that movie up until this point?

The shock and even worse heartbreak this time, I got angry and tried to find another resort. So, I chose to spend time with someone else out of the blue, making it clear that I tried to escape watching someone I am in love with enjoying a good time with someone else. I tried to run away from the fact that I have to witness them together, because we were in the same group and we lived in a small city, and I need to at least be able to "do what he do to me”. I don’t know if I am so angry at him or at the timing.

Nonetheless, I can’t keep my joy whenever we sneaked out for a meet-up. But our conversation became bizarre as we keep so much from each other. It only took us weeks to realize that our so called friendship needs a closure. We approached each other, talking until dawn and crying and laughing at how ridiculous the situation we got ourselves into. We talked about past, about our feeling, about moments we secretly keep and treasure it. I was told that he actually recognized me before we talked for the first time. He spotted me through a social media posting and he read some of my blog posts. 

I think, that moment we were too happy and got ourselves into a bubble, we were too afraid to return to the reality we were in that we did not talk about it. But morning comes and we just have to face the reality we were in. Once or twice we exchanged some difficult conversation, like a passive I-want-you-to-tell-what-is-going-on-between-us and we did not continue in the middle of our conversation because it was too hard just to straightly said how we actually feel. So, we let the distance grow, we did not really exchange news or let ourself start any conversation. It was hard, but I think by that time it was what we need for a while.

I remember the spring was around the corner when we finally reconnected. It started with a random meeting and hang out. It ended up with a text where I confessed that I miss him so badly. Ever since that day, we just know that things are escalating. Although we spend time with our friends, we cannot keep that longing stare off each other. I feel that moment very significant to our relationship because we were so close to hit that point in our romantic relationship, yet we were not so sure where we stood.

One of the most special memory in that period is related with the celebration of my 24th birthday. We did not get to celebrate my birthday together, but we went to the church that morning together. He took me to a birthday brunch and it was a lovely morning. I was not really in a good place back then, I felt a bit disoriented in between what I have not achieved in my life and where I want to walk after this. We talk about future, not as the two of us, yet, but about each of us. We learn about surrender (berserah) our life in God's hands and not give up our situation to the situation at road's end (terserah). I never had that kind of conversation with anyone before, that moment I know how much I want to have those conversations for the rest of my life.

As we only have part of my birthday together, we decided to go for a date to annual spring garden, away from our city. I bought a pinky seed of tulip, we strolled, chatted, and had dinner. He took me to have dinner in a cozy café by the pier called Plek. We stayed there long enough until the crowd dissolved, looking the sky turned black, the lights hanged warmly, and we had the bench by the pier for ourselves. We sit there, looking at pitch black far horizon, just close our eyes in silence side by side. The weather feels cool, but I cant help feeling sad for this moment, as verything is quite blurry even when we can't deny what is hanging the air. He said something though--something that replace the 3 words we have not really dare to say to each other as we just throw the badge of friendship that we used all this time. "If one day I don’t fight for us as much as I do today, please remind me of this place and this moment."

He took my breath away.

For 23 years I was falling and failing miserably, worrying that I wont come up with the love story that as magical as my parents’. I am afraid I won’t ever stop looking until I found my own great love story. Then, I met Madeza that year and I know he is my great love story. It was just the beginning and I already know how it turned out to be, and I love it. I’ve found the one and it is much more wonderful than any love story in the whole world. 

#whatalife

[spacemessx-blog]

klance headcanons no one asked for

OK I'm just doing this bc I love klance OK and klance makes me feel happy so,,, sorr to anyone who did this before me, this came up suddenly on my mind,, -lance and keith are on a mission to a planet, and theyre just bickering like old married couples and they just,,,, pine,,, -when theyre done with that said mission, the team decides to relax and just stay on that planet for a break -lance and keith both went off to explore. keith comes bc he doesnt want lance to get hurt and bc he has nothing else to do -when they were exploring, they found a tiny alien girl and Lance fell in LOVE™ -it was more of a "mother-child" love, so keith wasnt entirely that jealous (poor bby) -lance being that sweet uncle he just takes the alien kid and shows it to keith lance: KEITTTH LOOK AT THIS TINY ALIEN GIRL I LOVE HERE keith: lance put it back—NO WAIT COME BACK HERE DONT RUN AWAY FROM ME -lance spends time with the tiny alien girl a lot so she thinks lance is her dad lance: youre so CUTE, do you know i love you with all my heart mi cielo— the alien kid: papa!!! lance: oh—OH my GOD—you just—IM -keith doesnt spend as much time with the alien daughter, but he likes her company and will fight anyone who touches her some alien: can i take her and have a look— keith: *takes his bayard and aims it at the alien* say that again BITCH -somehow the alien baby thinks keith as her other father, so she calls him dad or daddy (not in the kinky way, get ur head outta the gutter BINCH) keith: *plays with the alien baby* alien kid:!!!! dad!!! keith: keith: what -lance and keith both takes the alien baby back to where she came from and then she calls both Keith and Lance papa and dad and both of them gets flustered lance: im just saying that id make a good father for this girl keith: dream on, loser alien girl: dad!!!! papa!!! *gestures to both of them with a smile* lance: keith: lance, internally: hallelujah motherfuckers -once they took her back the alien girl keeps on crying and whining and begging her dads so she can come with. then they both found out that the girl was an orphan, keith immediately takes her with him bc he didnt want her to feel like she has no one just like he did after he lost his family. lance denies at first but then he wants her too lance: keith what are you doing put her back keith— keith: shes my precious baby girl and i will not hesitate to rip your head off if you try and take her away from me lance: lance: well damn i want her too then -they give her a name. they argue a lot for the name. keith wants to name her godzilla but Lance shrieks and wants to name her cielo lance: were not naming her after a MONSTER keith keith: so what godzilla is cool lance: NO she will be cielo keith: how about ciella lance: lance: well ok— -both of them try to sneak her in the castle and they succeeded, the hard part was how they should keep her with them without anyone NOTICING. they both proceeds to let her stay in one of their rooms bc no one would be snooping there lance: OK so maybe ciella can stay in my room then— keith: lance she stays in my room lance: no youll just bore her keith: you dont know what im gonna do to her, she wont be bored lance: i assume she will be bored, no one wants to see your knife collection and hear your conspiracy theories keith keith: well im sure she wouldnt like to get her face all covered in weird facemasks and skin care products— lance: YOU TAKE THAT BACK— -keith's attempt to hide ciella is just a poorly made decision. he just takes his blanket and covers her in it. keith: ok ciella, be good for daddy and stay quiet ok?? ciella, covered by a blanket: sssshhhhh!!!! keith, smiling: right!! later... keith, talking to one of the team: yeah and then— ciella, still covered in a blanket: *runs to keith and bumps him in the leg* oof!! one of the team: what the fuck is that keith, sweating, nervously laughing: idk lol haha weird Keith, internally: shit -lance's attempt is hands down the worst decision he ever made. he decides to just hide her in his jacket. lance, with ciella inside his jacket: hey guys hunk: lance you look... different lance: yup gained some extra weight these past few days pidge, pointing at a tail that shows on the back of his jacket: you have a tail lance: lance: lance: yea gained that too keith, from the other side of the room: WHAT THE FUCK— -the team finally knows that both keith and lance has a baby alien girl. they tease them a lot. shiro, to keith: looks like youre the older one after all, /sir/ hunk, to lance: aww youre a dad now maybe you can teach me some stuff when I get married pidge, to keith: i cant believe youre a father now, ew allura, to lance: dont worry, being a father isnt as hard coran, crying: MY BLUE PALADIN IS A FATHER, I AM SO PROUD, ALLURA IM— -keith and lance realises they both love ciella and gain feelings™ -both of them are too oblivious to ask the other one out, eventually lance did the first move and they start dating -they adopted ciella and have a happy life with her until they die™

[hannahdapin]

12AM THOUGHTS part. 01

This quaratine made me so extra in everything. You know for a fact that you don’t do or usually do stuffs like this and that, but you figured out you can really do something so cool and out from reach. It is a whole new you version of getting to know yourself better. For now I am experiencing it the wholesome time. Got a bad taste for mythology and theory which i cannot relate to the study, including accounting because that is killing me and got no plans to review notes I haven’t written down from classes, procrastinating all day, dealing with people’s bad temper, getting the vibe, getting jealous of someone I talk knowing he/she’s a wide reader by simply observing how the person constructs prepositions and men you just be like reading and scrolling saying “ok” dope but yeah and also finding some peace at the same time fixing some probs. Awesome experience. I don’t understand what makes sense and what doesn’t. Perspective of being right and wrong, which having common senses would actually point out if it’s wrongfully or rightfully. How technology evolve so fastly and vastly, upgrading every year, fashion and trends people chase, cars and high tech innovation, placement of endangered species lifeless and reviving back what was lost (agriculture im referring about how agricultural lands diverted to commercial), putting up of businesses anywhere (which is great economically), politcal issues, fighting for press freedom and rights as humans (issues that are timely relevant to our country), this is so sensitive and I haven’t read details and subtopics to support (it’s better to speak up loaded with facts unless deprived and opressed), distinguishing mistakes that prolly cause chaos and getting the nerve to deny for reasons, selfish desires, pursuing passion in everything you thought you would excell, encountering new hobbies and skills you’re good at presently, breakings and alarmings, people be siding claims blindly, going with the majority which really never requires for you to be part as if you do not have your own standing, amid all in this pandemic. If you got a mind thinking actively for 24/7 damn it’s insane, in peril. But at the end of the day, we all are thankful for life and how the Father above entrust to us His blessing. And ofcourse the great news that we all have been waiting is that “WE ARE ALL COVID FREE” globally. And when I say globally, life is going back to normal and working days be hectic like never before. Have you even realize we would come up to this? We missed how life was before this pandemic, and we can’t hide that we truly wanted peace and healing for everything. But I just don’t get it, people be like from eastern and western, oh forget about it. Is it just me? Or maybe some do have the same views, people be like rushing things no hints of pauses, well that’s their lives. These thoughts be changing time to time; whether adding, correcting, and giving good criticism for improvements. Life is not easy to keep up, cuz you gotta need to keep up and cope up. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR VACCINE AND CHECKING NEWS TIME TO TIME (not really). I accept well constructed criticism, it’s better off that way. Please do. As if people be seeing this. I’m lowkey prose blogging here or journaling HAHA. Ok bye gnyt! Take care y’all. Cuz got no one to say “take care except for fam” uwu. I FORGOT TO SAY THAT LIFE IS A PROCESS AND WE FOLLOW PROCESS UNLESS IF YOU WANNA DO SOME SHORTCUTS.Do not take shortcuts, regrets can be found anywhere.

Shout out to whoever made commas and periods, I can now breath while reading this HAHA but as i read this again, I cant understand it clearly i mean my thoughts here is as scattered as mess.

[koharri]

18th may 2020: upset/disappointed

listening to: nothing

for suhoor we ate chilli flames loaded fries. before i went to bed dispatch released that jungkook, eunwoo, jaehyun and mingyu went out to a restaurant and to a bar mid april. they had to write formal apologies which really frustrated me, why’re they having to apologise for something any other ordinary 22 year old korean guy would do? it makes no sense. they aren’t even under lockdown restrictions. i slept at 9 am and woke up at 12 am bc of this loud ass lorry going by our house, honestly made me jump not gonna lie. then i occupies myself by watching fired up for the 245th time, i move the part where coach says that the fountain of troy is prohibidado. then i spent hours on tiktok (i wish i was kidding) then my mum needed me to write down what we needed from TJs wholesale on paper so i did and they went to get it, however it was closed and came home but they bought me the jelly tubules that i like to freeze!!

n e ways i then my mum was going on about how her weight loss isn’t going well and i told her that eating a bowl of cucumber and yoghurt isn’t going to work miracles. she was like what am i supposed to do then, and i said why don’t you try drinking water in between bites when you eat so that way you’re not filling up on pure food, she got mad at me saying that it’s very unhealthy to drink water whilst eating and i googled it, it’s actually beneficial for digestion. she said that her theory was right and i was wrong, i tried to reason with her but she wouldn’t listen to me, so i pulled away when she tried to give me a kiss on the cheek and went to my room. she had an attitude all night bc i was ‘being disrespectful’ i got past that though and started being friendly again bc i honestly couldn’t be bothered. we had rice and curry for iftar.

after that we watched a police force show and this domestic abuse call came in and my parents were saying that she deserved it bc she’s voluntarily choosing to not report the guy. i kept quiet and suggested we watch ‘murdered by my boyfriend’. after watching it my mum said that it was the woman’s fault for not leaving him and when she did, she took him back. i told her if the clear emotional abuse he was causing her but she denied it. she said that she deserved it bc she chose to keep the baby when he mum advised her not to. basically turning this into another shitty life lesson which was completely irrelevant to the topic at hand. once it finished i couldn’t keep my mouth shut and i sparked an argument, my dad of course took my mums side, i brought up multiple examples of where people had been bungee ale but they kept finding excuses to defend the perpetrator? allah help me if i’m ever in that situation bc i honestly would have no one to turn to. they said that if domestic violence occurs, you should sit down and reevaluate your actions and try to be better for the other person, i can not be the only one who is sane in this house.

as the night continued i confronted her about a lot of things like when i was a child my mum would make me apologise to her, even if she was the one that made me mad, or else she wouldn’t talk to me and would completely shun me out from the family bc i had to apologise for ‘what i had done wrong’. and so the other day i pulled the same card on my brother. he held a grudge for no reason and i said that if he wants to be cool again he should apologise. my mum said that he’s my brother and we don’t do that with family, so what was i? was i not family as a kid? i am an adult, i’m not longer 9 anymore, i deserve some fucking respect too i’m human also. she then played the victim by saying i’m no angel bc she feels like she can’t confide in me anymore bc i don’t help her.

the other month she asked about the weight loss again. i spent hours watching youtube videos for excersises/stretches that are suitable for her arthritis but will aid her weight loss as well. she turned down my efforts when i finally found a proper routine by saying she’s too lazy to actually go through with it. i also helped her with a diet plan, one that wouldn’t restrict her cravings or mess us the family’s meal plan, she disregarded that too. and she still wants to call me out for not helping? she asks, i offer advice which she doesn’t follow through with. what else am i supposed to do? how else am i supposed to help her? WHAT MORE CAN I DO PLEASE

it’s like talking to a brick wall. no matter how hard i try i cant get through to her, bc i will forever be a child in her eyes. i’ll never understand the real world’ and i need to accept that at this point.

[mshellbrat]

Hey guys! The next chapter of my Olicity Arrow/BTVS xover is now up! I’m actually trying out Oliver’s POV in this one and I’m really nervous so I’d love to hear what you think! 

Also: My sister @zombiegirl8915 has started posting up some Meredith outtakes on her own tumblr. They start with some backstory to explain why and how Meredith came to be in Starling with Felicity, but they have now reached the point where Meredith is actually IN Starling and they cover some missing scenes that actually fit with the larger story. Please check it out if you are interested. :-)

Here goes!...

Chapter Summary:  Oliver struggles to bury his own conflicted emotions and be there for Felicity as she's always been there for him.

Rating: M (for language so far)

Disclaimer: I own NOTHING!...except my original characters and their imaginary organization...

As he watched Felicity, his Felicity, dodge strikes moving too fast to counter, too fast to fully see and follow with human eyes, Oliver swallowed down the knot of frustration and panic and bone-deep fear in his throat. Giving in to those emotions, acting out and throwing a hissy fit (as his babbling genius loved to call them) wouldn't help anyone, least of all the genius in question. And Felicity had more than enough on her plate without adding 'handling Oliver' to the list. He was determined not to make this harder on her. He would be an advantage, not a liability. Felicity had stood by him through some of the hardest times of his life. She'd picked him up, dusted him off, and kept him going when nothing else seemed to even make a dent in his guilt and self-loathing. It was his turn to have her back now. He would support her. He would love her (he could admit the word to himself even if he hadn't found the right way, the right time, to admit it to her) and they would find a way to get through this just like they'd gotten through everything else.

“Good,” Dare, the male Pure (and he was still trying to wrap his head around that one), nodded and stepped forward to instruct Felicity. It went against his every instinct to allow this other man, this stranger, to control Felicity's training, but even Oliver had to admit that the Pure knew what he was doing. The vampire, and didn't that just grate, was much better equipped to prepare Felicity for this fight. Oliver stood very little chance in a hand-to-hand fight with these supernatural creatures. He wasn't fast enough, he wasn't strong enough, and only his wits, his instincts, and pure dumb luck would keep him alive if he couldn't keep the fight at range. It was as infuriating as it was terrifying. Not that he cared about his own life, but inability to protect the ones he loved...to protect his team? He'd rather be back on that damn island fighting mercenaries or pinned under Amanda Waller's thumb than in this situation. He did not like being a weakness.

“Every slayer is different,” Dare, the asshole, was telling the blonde. “You don't only come with standard abilities or strengths and weaknesses. You get the slayer package,” the man smirked, “but that's just the starting point. Then you get to customize.”

Cross, the female Pure who Oliver found himself liking MUCH more than the male asshole, snorted. “Must you always fall back on a car metaphor?”

The asshole shrugged. “I like cars.” He kept his stare focused on Felicity. “YOUR strengths? You're quick and you’re very agile.”

Felicity's face scrunched up into one of those adorably cute expressions that, without fail, made Oliver want to smile. The fact that it, along with her entire concentration, was focused solely on the other man? The impulse faded and he fought back a scowl instead. “Agile is not a descriptor I ever expected to be connected to myself. I have been known to trip over air.”

The asshole cocked a brow and crossed his arms over his chest. “When's the last time that happened?”

Felicity pursed her lips and canted her head to the side as she thought about it. Finally she nodded. “Point.” She waved her hand. “I just became a Feral Druid. Check! Carry on!”

The asshole chuckled and shook his head. “What spec were you before exactly?”

Felicity gasped and laid her hand dramatically over her chest. She smiled widely at her mentor. “THIS is why you and I work as friends, Dare! We should TOTALLY be in the same guild! You understand me as a person!”

The asshole laughed again and Oliver ground his teeth as he watched their banter. He HATED this! Why couldn't Cross take the lead with Felicity? Wouldn't a woman work better with the slayer?

“This girl is a gobby Frost Death Knight at heart, by the way,” Felicity pointed to herself. “I even know the dance.” And then she started dancing and wiggling her hips and hands as everyone watching burst out laughing.

“Is that some whack version of the 'Single Ladies' dance, Blondie?” Roy called.

Felicity pointed her finger at him threateningly. “THIS is why you will never be as cool as Dare, Harper.” She pointed at the asshole. “He gets it!”

The asshole shook his head still laughing. “I do indeed, Sweetie, but you've taken us a little off topic.”

“She's good at that,” Roy noted.

Felicity smiled, turned her back to Roy, and shot him a bird where her mentor couldn't see. She blinked at the Dare. “You were saying?”

“I was saying,” he cocked one brow, “that you should use your quickness and your agility to your advantage. Unconsciously, you already are.” Without warning he took a threatening step toward her. Felicity danced backward out of his reach. She lifted her hands into a ready position. The Pure nodded to her stance. “Like I said...quick and agile.”

Felicity frowned and tilted her head to the side again. “So I'm good at being avoidy?”

“He's right, though,” Finn spoke up from off to the side. Oliver threw him a disgruntled look. All that asshole needed was someone else agreeing with him. “Buffy's more of a powerhouse. You piss her off and she just beats the shit out of you.” He made a face. “Whereas Faith uses sexuality and deception as distractions. She throws her opponents off their game and then goes for their weak spots.”

Oliver could practically see Felicity working through their suggestions in that brilliant brain of hers. Her eyes were bright and calculating. They also held a hunger, an aggression, that Oliver wasn't accustomed to seeing there. He wasn't sure if the sight was more disturbing or arousing, honestly. He'd never wanted this for Felicity, for his girl, but he couldn't deny that it looked good on her either. She was still just as beautiful, just as bright and clean and pure. Somehow adding this new layer only brought her further into focus, as though it had always been buried there just beneath the surface waiting for someone to wake it up. If everything Riley and the asshole said could be believed, maybe it had. Maybe this really WAS her destiny all along. And if this was who Felicity was meant to be, then what did that mean for them? For him? Because staring down Satan himself wouldn't convince Oliver to give her up. He'd walked through hell before and for far less worthy causes. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do, wouldn't be, to keep Felicity safe and by his side where she belonged. Even, apparently, swallowing his pride and listening to that asshole Pure... standing back and watching as he trained her...as he made her smile and laugh...as he comforted and reassured her...

“So I should use my instinctive evasion to frustrate them and keep their hands off of me until they give me an opening I can utilize,” Felicity's voice shook Oliver from his musing.

Dare nodded. “Very few vampires have the patience to wait you out, Felicity. Most are slaves to their amplified emotions. They get frustrated and they make mistakes.”

“A lot of them are also pretty stupid,” Finn offered. “Most Possessed don't turn based on brainpower.”

Cross laughed and shared a smile with Dare. “The 'Brad Pitt' theory.”

Dare rolled his eyes, then noticed Felicity's attention was caught. He motioned for Cross to continue.

Cross cleared her throat. “Who would you rather spend eternity with? Brad Pitt or Joe Ugly?”

Felicity gasped and turned horrified eyes on Oliver. She'd obviously just stamped an expiration date on his forehead. The vigilante didn't know whether to be offended or amused. The rest of the assembled fighters chose amused and Oliver stared back at Felicity stoically as laughter echoed around him.

Felicity bit her lip and turned back to her mentors. “So...uh...you're just noticing this about me now?”

“No,” Dare said, “I've been assessing you as you've trained with Cross all week.”

This was news to Oliver. Apparently Felicity hadn't actually been training with Dare before today.

Felicity nodded. “Okay, so...that's why you haven't trained with me before? Because you were observing?”

Dare paused to consider his answer before speaking. “I thought it best that you start off your training with Cross while you were still getting your feet wet. She'd give you less of a handicap and we'd have a better assessment of your growing skills.”

“Why?” Laurel spoke up and Oliver winced even before the words left her mouth. “Because she's a woman?” He knew that was coming.

The Pure was unamused. He threw Laurel a sarcastic smile. “No, Sweetheart, because she's two hundred and fifty years younger than me.” He clearly enjoyed the stunned silence that followed.

Oliver decided, once again, that his assessment was correct. Dare was an asshole. Oliver, himself, had already reached the conclusion that both Pures were much older than they appeared. Several thoughtless, or perhaps thoughtful, comments dropped by Case while sparring had clued the vigilante in to the possibility. He and Digg had discussed the subject earlier at length. Felicity, it appeared, wasn't there yet.

Oliver moved to support the gasping blonde genius who was pointing at her mentor and trying to push words and not just hysterical syllables out of her mouth. He pulled her up against his side and tried to ignore just how good, how right, she felt there. Now was not the time. He glared at the arrogant asshole vampire.

Dare grimaced and his expression softened and turned apologetic as it settled on Felicity. He gritted his teeth and took in a deep breath. Then he turned and looked at Laurel again. “I'm not a sexist, Ms. Lance. The most powerful being I've ever encountered is, in fact, a woman. Her name is Skye and she's my sire.”

“He's not kidding,” Riley spoke up.

Dare stepped forward and reached out to place a hand on Felicity's shoulder. She jerked slightly and he winced. He lowered his voice. “I'm sorry, Sweetie. I shouldn't have broken it to you like that. You deserved better.”

“Understatement,” Oliver growled.

Felicity took in a shaky breath and rested her head against Oliver's shoulder. “I had...I'd considered...but...”

Dare nodded, his eyes earnest. “I will tell you anything you want to know. I am sorry. That was a shit move and I know better.”

“I just...” Felicity looked away from the Pure and up at Oliver, “I kinda need a minute. Can we take a walk?”

“Yep,” Oliver forced a smile for her benefit and his eyes dared the asshole to object. He turned and led her back toward the elevator.

Case was waiting on them. He had the elevator door open and nodded to Oliver. “We need to get you two scanned into the system later so you don't have to have an escort. Give you fifteen?”

“Thanks,” Oliver said. He walked Felicity inside and noticed the 'G' button was already highlighted. The doors slid closed and Felicity groaned and banged her head against him. Oliver ran his hand over the back of her head and threaded his fingers through her blonde ponytail. “You're okay. It's going to be okay.”

Felicity burrowed closer against him and Oliver sighed and enjoyed it entirely too much. Yea, okay, he acknowledged, maybe he was an asshole too.

Then his blonde genius was storming down the hallways and straight toward the bar. She slapped her hand down on the wooden surface. “ALCOHOL! NOW!”

“That's the spirit!” her cousin, the half-vampire (and no this wasn't getting any less weird) slurred. She was still sipping on a glass of something dark red. Oliver knew what it looked like but he really didn't want confirmation. He averted his eyes and went back to studying the cousin he was crazy about.

Felicity couldn't seem to decide if she wanted to raise hell about her drunken cousin or bury herself in the bottom of a glass. The bartender answered that for her by sliding a glass of red wine her way.

“Here you go, Luv,” the bartender smiled, “on the house.”

Oliver glared at the smarmy git, then watched as Felicity lifted the glass in a toast. “For Thea!” He snorted quietly as she quickly drank the glass down.

“Hey,” Meredith nodded, “that works! You want me to bankrupt them? I can totally drink them poor.” She took a swallow from her own glass and sniffed. “I'm not paying for this shit. I left Nik's credit card in Edencrest with Nik.” She frowned and her shoulders slumped.

And Oliver noticed for the first time how fragile the loud-mouthed brunette appeared. Suddenly he found himself thinking of Thea...of his somewhat damaged little sister who had lived through entirely too much for so young an age. Thea, who covered everything with anger or a sarcastic smile, who talked big and bad to cover her tears and emotional scars. He looked over Felicity's cousin with new eyes and he wondered exactly what weight those slumped shoulders carried.

Meredith shrugged. “I figured stealing his credit card on top of the whole...arson thing, would just be adding insult to injury.”

And Felicity froze...and Oliver silently groaned, because they really didn't need any more drama on top of the soap opera they were already living. Still, the blonde slayer carefully sat down her glass and turned to her cousin. “Arson?”

The drunken half-vampire sighed. “I told you I burned some bridges...” she paused and pursed her lips, “technically it was more like...a house.”

While Felicity whimpered and banged her head down against the bar, Oliver turned to glare at the tiny brunette.

She rolled her eyes dramatically back at him. “People in green hoods don't get to throw stones, Ollie! Besides,” she waved her hand in the air, “it was really only the living room. The fire department got there surprisingly fast.”

“Are you wanted?” Oliver's voice was a low growl. They did not NEED this right now!

Meredith lifted one arrogant brow. “Are you?” When he didn't back down, she huffed. “No, I'm not wanted. I'm half-vampire. My best friend, who owned the damn house, is full Traditional vampire. Chrissy, who I only escaped dragging with me through espionage and by the grace of god, is also full Traditional vampire. In no way did our fire department CARE that I set that house on fire. Even if my friends weren't around to persuade them, which they were, the fire department would have happily sat back and roasted marshmallows if they thought that Micah and/or Lisa would perish trying to put out the fire themselves.” She leaned toward Oliver and seethed. “Edencrest is the largest active Hellmouth. No one in that town is ACTUALLY stupid enough not to notice what's really going on. They know that's a vamp house and they wouldn't care if it burned to ash. HAPPY NOW?”

Felicity groaned again, but she sat back up and waved for Ryder to refill her glass. Oliver rubbed a soothing hand up and down her back. His girl cut her eyes to her cousin. “Surprisingly, I actually do feel better,” she canted her head to the side, “but you are no longer allowed access to matches or lighters. I like my house.”

Thank you for reading! I’d love to hear what you think! :-)

[67616c]

responding/”reacting” to some replies on my yellow zircon post

why does it have over 3,000 notes? who knows. more under the cut

i dont know if it’ll notify the people i tagged when its under the cut so im doing it above the cut too

@water-angel17, @parenyzia, @perisaur, @xiiitheternity

before i begin, have this.

http://rnn-draws.tumblr.com/post/161304457868/a-question-that-needs-answers-is-the-second

if you wanna deny that yellow zircon is yellow after a storyboard artist confirmed it, be my guest

first one is from @water-angel17​.

first of all, i’m not “whinning.” i don’t know what “whinning” is but i’m certainly not partaking in it. i dont know why you’re trying to make it look like im personally attacking you. i don’t think you realize how stupid it is to make this into a thing like its some sort of headcanon shit. you cant headcanon something thats fucking confirmed. if i were saying some bullshit like “yellow zircon is straight and if you think otherwise you’re an idiot,” then yeah sure you could use that argument. this isn’t that. this is me proving something that’s set in stone. don’t pull that shit

@parenyzia congrats! you win the award for most bullshit argument ever! (:

first order of business, educating you (more than i already have). i dont think you know what color theory is, so here’s a definition from wikipedia.

“ In the visual arts, color theory or colour theory is a body of practical guidance to color mixing and the visual effects of a specific color combination. There are also definitions (or categories) of colors based on the color wheel: primary color, secondary color and tertiary color. “

color theory doesnt include lighting in any way. there’s literally nothing relating to color theory in my post. i don’t know if i slipped up and referenced it or something, but it has absolutely nothing to do with anything i brought up.

you’re right about them not just overlaying a color over it, but that doesn’t change the fact that this works. it works because it takes the colors that palette A (courtroom) lacks and compares it to what B (daylight) has (or something like that). 

i think i got a fucking brain tumor from your last point. of course she’s still fucking blue. i’m not even gonna try to understand what the fuck you’re trying to prove.

@perisaur​ 

i’ll admit that i can’t explain why yellow diamond is still yellow, but the most obvious explanation is that it’s a way for the artists to display power. yellow diamond and blue diamond are both radiant goddesses compared to the other people in the court. i believe that they kept them their own colors to make a “statement” of sorts. 

@xiiitheternity​ ;)

this is the best i could do. i used greg’s skin as the reference

it was kinda hard to figure out what colors to use since the lighting was kinda weird in here. i ended up using the shades of greg that were darker, since the bright rim lighting on them wouldnt be very accurate. 

i made one of the cool slider comparison things so u can see them side by side

https://cdn.knightlab.com/libs/juxtapose/latest/embed/index.html?uid=961e9d58-ba2a-11e7-b263-0edaf8f81e27

thank you all for your input. PLEASE come after me because i will bite the fuck back. i would have included more but most of them were the same “yellow diamond was still yellow” or “lol why are you so upset” so i tried to pick out the best of the worst (except for this last one. good and pure ask. im happy to do this for u). the post is dying now thank god. i enjoyed my 15 minutes of fame

[flower-of-the-desert]

So I just finished s01 of Shadowhunters and I have some thinky thoughts about it. I’m putting it under the cut because it’s not all positive (well, most of it isnt really) and if you are a die-hard malec shipper, you should probably skip this.

Overall, I think my opinion so far can be summed up as this show has a lot of potential to be really good and interesting and nobody seems to want to do anything about it. I mean the set up is great - demons threatening the world? Awesome. A secret society of warriors whose purpose is to protect the world? Nice. Magic? Warlocks? AU worlds? Perfect. Class issues between the races? Homophobia? Relevant and important concepts to tackle. So in theory everything is great. But in practice? Not so much.

I think the two main issues this season has are 1) thngs happening way too fast and not enough time and focus given to certain topics and characters in order to understand their motivations and the worldbuilding of this universe and 2) the problem with show, dont tell - that is to say we keep being told things but almost never shown anything to actually back up these claims.

Now I know there are time limits and you cant fit everything into a single episode or even a single season and you shouldnt have to. I’m not saying they should have crammed everything into 13 episodes. That is not the issue. The problem is that when topics that should be given due focus and time within the specific episode arent, things get confusing. For example, why did Alec decide to marry Lydia? We find out in the next episode that he’s decided to restore the family honor on his own terms after finding out about his parents’ past. Which is great. We have Alec’s motivation. But in the episode itself where he proposed everything was set up for him to follow his heart. That was the theme of the episode and Alec through the entire thing kept agreeing with Magnus and whoever else was telling him to do what he wants. Only for him to turn around simingly out of nowhere in the literal last minute of the episode and decide to get married. Dont get me wrong, I dont have a problem with him NOT choosing to follow his heart given the situation but there wasnt enough focus on his struggle between the two during the episode in order to make his last-minute turn seem less weird. And that doesnt even cover Lydia’s side of thngs. Why did she decide to get married to a literal stranger after meeting him like yesterday? And this is not an exxageration - Alec proposes literally 2 or 3 days max after Lydia shows up. Is she that desperate to run an institute? Wouldnt she be allowed to have the position if she’s not married? Why does it even matter - doesnt it make more sense to give her the position based on her skills and results on the job? We dont know. But these are the sort of worldbuilding questions you might want to answer.

This is just one example of how things are going way too fast and there’s not enough time given to explain the characters and universe properly. There are more but if I keep going, we’ll be here tomorrow too. I’m not even gonna bother to cover all the scenes that just flat out do not make sense cause then we’ll never leave.

The other thing bothers me even more - there are sooo many things we are TOLD but never really SHOWN - Alec has been in love with Jace for I dont know how many years, Alec is repressed, the SH society is homophobic (admittedly we are not told this in canon, I dont believe? but that is at least the implication made), Magnus is in love with Alec and Alec feels the same, Magnus is a centuries-old warlock, one of the most powerful people in the world, Ragnor is even more powerful, etc etc. But. Where is the evidence? If Alec has spent so long being in love with Jace and repressed, wouldnt it have been more difficult for Magnus to get him to agree to a date than one half-assed phone call? Wouldnt Alec be struggling even more with accepting that Magnus is interested and panicking about what to do, denying everything with all his might? Shouldnt there be more struggle here?

So far I havent seen any signs of anyone in the Institute being homophobic. Maybe that changes in s02 but so far? Nope. Even Alec’s parents whom fandom for some reason has decided to demonize as some kind of terrible scumbags are not homophobic and actually hella decent people all things considered. Lydia is not homophobic. The goddamn Silent Brother seemed more interested in the kissing scene than anything else.

Warlocks are supposed to be hella powerful yet Magnus needed Alec’s help to fight off ONE circle member and Ragnor got killed by a TINY demon thingy that even Clary can handle. We were told Magnus cares so much about that necklace he’d risk his life to get it back yet 5mins later just casually gives it away to Izzy and doesnt mention it again. 

Clary and co LOVE to make these passionate speeches about how they’re the new generation of shadowhunters who respect the downworlders and believe everyone is their equal and the Clave is wrong - yet the moment a downworlder refuses to help them, they have no problem blackmailing, focing, lying and going behind their back to get what they want. And this is admittedly not a bad thing to show that these people despite their good intentions cant just change over night, if the narrative at least acknowledged their hypocrisy as a sign they need to grow some more but it doesnt.

Again, I an keep going but I wont. And finally there’s Malec. By all accounts I think this is the thng that disaapointed me the most. It could have been so awesome if developed properly! Like again we have a great set up - two people from opposite sides of the war, leaders to their respective groups, meeting and falling in love against all odds - it’s basically every enemies to friends to lovers fic ever and it’s AWESOME. Except not really because the way they play it in canon is just what even? So they meet and Magnus is obviously sexually attracted to Alec and wants to pursue that. Cool. Alec is... feeling whatever it is he’s feeling, I honestly cant even tell if he was interested from the start or just happy someone was paying attention to him. I suppose that stuttering scene when Magnus introduces himself is supposed to show he’s interested. Or something. Then Magnus calls to ask him on a date which yay, makes sense with how eager he was when they met. And then Alec agrees. And this is where things start going wonky for me.  Why does he agree so easily? Isnt he supposed to be in love with Jace? Isnt he supposed to be terrified of anyone finding out he’s gay? Next scene after they heal Luke, Magnus goes you’ve unlocked something in me and I go was it your dick? Because this line for all its romantic vibe and whatnot in the context we’ve been presented so far makes no sense. Because now the show wants me to believe that Magnus fell in love at first sight. Except this is not how they played it - what I saw was Magnus being really fricking horny. I did not see any grand revelations of omg, I just fell in love for the first time in over a century with this hot piece of shadowhunting ass I just met. Now I’m supposed to believe Malec has had enough development and enough scenes together to warrant such a strong emotional reaction from Magnus two episode after meeting Alec and after like 2? 3? scenes interacting with him. Insert the sure jan gif here.

Fast forward to the wedding - awesome scene really. Kiss and all (such a hot kiss and I ask why arent they kissing like that in s02 instead of these we’ve been married for 50years and cant wait for one of us to die already pecks?). But again, it only works if you ignore the context and take it as a stand alone scene. Because otherwise the emotional depth that it’s supposed to have? Goes out the window to stand besides all the emotional and mental development that was needed between them in order to make the scene really work and resonate on a deep level. And dont even get me started on how wrong Magnus acted at the beginning of the episode.

I can buy - at a push, a big big BIG push - that Magnus fell in love from the start but I absolutely do not believe Alec did as well. Honestly, I dont believe he loves Magnus even now in s02 (I havent watched it yet but I have enough context about some of their key scenes to say this, there is no way I man in love would tell his boyfriend not to take a treath to his life PERSONALLY, amongst other things). And that is just sad. Because this could have been a great love story, all the fire and passion and fireworkd like we keep getting told there is but what we see is something different.

[tumblunni]

OH MAN Why Am I Dead At Sea is SO FUCKIN GOOD

god I’m full of FEEEELS and THEORIES and GAHHHH I cant talk about ANYTHING about this game without spoiling stuff!! So I’m gonna make a spoilery ramble post woo! I havent actually finished it yet so this is spoils for like... up to the very last bit before the start of the final chapter. And I’ll try and talk about stuff in order so like, if you dont mind seeing a few spoils then you can read halfway thru i guess?? I just really wanna be able to reccommend this game and gush about characters without having to talk spoils!! GAHHH!!

ANYWAY U CAN BUY IT HERE Its really cheap and really worth it! Its even on sale right now so its £1.50 instead of £3! DOUBLE CHEAP!! But absolutely remember to backup your savefiles frequently, there’s a pathfinding glitch that can make the game unwinnable. And its a damn shame cos that nearly made me stop playing before I got to any of the good bits! Its easy to avoid once you know about it, at least.

Man, I’m so sad the gameplay has that one big glitch cos its really cool aside from that?? Its super basic and probably not everyone’s cup of tea though, this is a game that you’d only enjoy if you’re the sort of people who like when a game has like.. a codex of extra info you can collect.  There’s not as much ‘control people to affect the world’ as you’d expect, its 99% controlling people to unlock different dialogue options. All word puzzles and stuff! And the easiest way to get out of being stuck is just to methodically possess everyone you havent possessed yet, and talk to everyone and click on everything using them. I can imagine that’d be frustrating for people who like.. weren’t already doing that anyway. I Wanted to do that instantly cos I wanna find all the optional insights into everyone’s character! And some funny moments and sweetheart moments and AAAA I care about these people too much already... Oh, and its even more reason to love Paulo cos he gives you tips if you chat to him, and can even outright tell you the solution if you get really stuck. So for players who dont like being all completionist on the dialogue, he’s a very useful helper! I just wish that the ‘outright give you the solution’ option was better labelled so you dont click it by accident. Its just ‘tell me more’, I didnt know itd ruin the current puzzle for me :P

And MAAAAAN this game gets really trancey and atmospheric and I cant even really explain why?? You spend the whole game within this one small area but stuff gets opened up over time and things are revealed about seemingly innocent areas when you gain the new abilities of different people you possess. And how the player character is just this ethereal floaty flame, and how you get used to all the rules of how it works, and how neat the lil animations are. And how you start memorizing the place and all the details about everyone and getting REALLY DETERMINED to protect them GAHHH And the soundtrack is REALLY GOOD

PAULO IS MY SMALL SON PLEASE TELL ME I CAN PROTECT HIM FOREVER tiny necromancer boy aaaaaa he’s so lonely aaaaa he’s on this ship cos he has to ride it all the time on his own to get back from boarding school, his parents cant be bothered to pick him up and he’s just SO YOUNGGGG aaaa he’s like a child prodigy, he’s going to this big scary boarding school several grades above him and his parents are so distant and everyone thinks he can just handle everything because he’s smart and on top of all that he has to keep the secret that he can see ghosts, and theyre like his ONLY FRIENDS even though he only gets to talk to them for a little while before they pass on. YET HE STILL KEEPS HELPING THEM! He says all ‘oh im only summoning you for selfish reasons, I want you to save everyone else on the ship’ but he still helps you resolve your own death even when he knows it means he’ll never see you again. He has to mourn his best friend every damn time he makes one! Aside from that all he has is his teddy bear, showing just how young he really is and how much he FUCKING NEEDS GOOD PARENTS no matter how damn smart the poor kid is and AAAAA... And when you start getting clues about who you maybe are, it gets even sadder cos he’s like... “I didnt know her well but... I liked her. She helped me with my geometry homework.” God he had just ONE MOMENT of incredibly ordinary minimal friendship with this lady and then as soon as he’d got his hopes up THIS SHIT HAD TO HAPPEN! No wonder he locked his door for the entire cruise and refused to be near anyone except his new ghost friend. And gahhh he must have had his suspicions from the start about who it was that died, as soon as she didn’t come back to help with his homework. From his perspective this was just like an inevitable conclusion and he was begging you to find any other answer...

MORE SPOILERY SPOILER I was so fucking terrified when his door finally opened, and all you see inside is empty space. I mean it was a punch to the gut indeed that someone else died that we only really just met, but I’m WAY more terrified that the main sidekick for the whole game is potentially gonna die! He’s just vanished though, so I’m hoping that whether you save him or not is what determines the bad endings? So it IS possible to save him right?? SPOILER ENDDDDDDD

I’m still really confused how to feel about Xu though. I mean she’s such a huge jerk but I still cant help but feel sympathy for her?? And I feel like.. if I am supposed to hate her then its kinda annoying that the game brings up all these sympathetic concepts just to sorta discard them, they only exist to be her failed excuses for her actions. I dunno, its just sorta messed up. But it also means that if I AM supposed to agree with her actions then its messed up too?? And either way its frustrating cos she’s the only chinese character in the cast and her plot is so... gah. She’s this jerkass to everybody and she steals from the customers and then her excuse is ‘but I’m so poor and I’m a minority, how dare you yell at me for stealing’ and then she NEVER GIVES THE STUFF BACK and you never have any option to tell anyone?? And its so messed up cos like.. Anton actually IS a privilaged guy and I can see why she’d be mad that he’s in this job because he ‘wants to travel’ whereas she has to take it because she’s literally homeless. I mean if they actually discussed that then it’d be a good plot. And its a shame you cant bring up the secrets you find about Anton even when you get full possession of him, you find out he also had a meltdown and flunked out of college cos he just couldnt handle it, they could have been able to bond over that and realise they were both having misconceptions about each other’s motives for things. Like, she saw him as some guy who just chose to drop out of the education she wishes she could go back to, because he’s soooo rich and he can do whatever he wants. And he’d never considered how good he’s got it, and how other people are denied the same opportunities, and how he can use his privilage to help make the world fairer for these other people! Its just.. like.. you dont even find out that Anton IS rich until AFTER the conversation about Xu stealing his stuff, so it comes out of nowhere and feels like the game is saying privilage is a stupid concept thats not real and its being used as an excuse for her to be horrid. Either that or its on Xu’s side and its saying shoplifting is fine as long as you steal from white people?? And like.. Anton didnt do ANYTHING to make it seem like he deserved it, as far as we see. He’s never even rude to her?? He doesnt seem to do anything racist or classist. Its just like she assumes he;s that way because he’s a rich white guy but the game shows him to be Super Innocent so is it saying that everyone who ever accuses anyone of racism is always lying or.. gahhh?? It just feels like its trying to make a statement but I have no clue what it is! And this is the only time racism is ever discussed so it kinda stands out?? Also.. like.. NOBODY ever discusses the name issue?? Its really confusing, cos even her steam trading card calls her ‘Xu/Sue’. Ingame EVERYONE calls her Sue except herself and the interface. But its never drawn attention to, or explained?? So like, am I actually meant to assume that everyone is mispronouncing her name? But there’s no option to not do it! Or to bring up the subject! Anyway I just CANNOT stop feeling sympathy for her every time I see the damn wrong name in all these text boxes. Even if she’s an abrasive asshole half the time she feels like she has some sense of morality deep down, and that she’s been pushed to this extent by a terrible life rather than just choosing to become this sort of person. She’s just kinda like the ‘token evil good guy’ on the team. Even though she’s committing petty crimes it pales in comparison to the bigger horror that’s going on here :P

MAN it felt so damn good to finally get the reveal on Donavan and play as him for the first time! I mean whoa what a good climactic moment! What an uplifting! And what a downlifting when it gets cut short by tragedy, lol I TOTALLY KNEW IT that he was a cop! I mean seriously he was such a clear red herring, he was being pushed so heavily as the killer and we never got to know anything actually about him. And when you read his mind the ‘I WILL FIND YOU. I WILL EXTERMINATE YOU.’ struck me as something that could easily have a double meaning if he was a detective looking for the real killer! It was just SO BADASS when you finally get to control him and you have the power to enter every room and find clues that were locked off for ages! And it feels like you’re finally making progress so it was such a great story decision that the killer gets him immediately afterwards. And how their last taunt to him is that he was NO WHERE NEAR solving the mystery! Its just a taste of power and then its all thrown away and it makes you SO FUCKING DETERMINED to finish what donovan started with your weak lil protagonist hands NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES GAHHHHH

And then finally regaining a humanoid ghost form and being able to unlock the last two people’s tragic backstories by visiting their dreams!! And gahhh it was so interesting and sad that you have to lie and pretend to be the ghost of someone else they care about, in order to get through to them and say what that person would have said if they had got the chance to be the protagonist instead of you. It was actually a genuine huge surprise to learn that Gwen wasnt remotely involved with the murder! Like, she spent the whole game being paranoid that someone is coming after her, and everyone was saying she’s JUST paranoid, and then it turns out she WAS just paranoid! But I love that the game is actually sympathetic to her paranoia and shows how it’s a legitimate mental illness. Its left more mysterious than a lot of the other backstories, but it seems that her father or uncle or someone abused her and her sister when she was a child, and her sister was killed while she escaped. And even though its over she’s been haunted by the belief he’ll find her any second now, causing her to destroy her own life through reckless decisions, jumping up and running away every time things start getting good in her life. She doesnt even know where she’s running to! And GOD I really liked how you resolve it, you dont just cure people’s mental illnesses by giving them a  motivational speech. But you help them feel like they’re able to endure it, that they’ll get better someday and that they should accept help from therapists. And NOT BLAME THEMSELVES for being sick! I just really liked the line “yes, this is a living nightmare, but if you’re awake you can change things”.

And when you do the similar dream sequence for Darryl there’s an even better climactic line! Its like, after a whole game of him blaming himself for his wife’s suicide, going over a bazillion different scenarios of how he could have prevented it, you just say... “I was sick, there was nothing you could do.” There isnt some magical REASON why she became depressed, her life with him was as happy as he could have given her. It wouldnt have just stopped if her life was perfect, she had to get treatment, its an illness. It wasnt anyone’s fault, it was just a bad stroke of chance that she never told anyone about it and never got a chance to be treated, or even to talk it through with her husband at all. Her diary is just full of her feeling guilty that she must be making it up because she loves her husband so much and it’d be like insulting him to admit she isnt happy within her own skin, when he does everything to be the best husband he can. Goddd.... its so sad that its BECAUSE THEY WERE HAPPY that she was in this position where she never sought help! Where she just shouldered it herself and hoped it would go away on its own! And god, you get to see that Darryl does indeed have antidepressants in his room, unlike her he did seek therapy and its just because of his guilt that he isnt fully accessing that help. And he’s taking these drugs instead of his proper medication, and he’s planning his own suicide at the end of the trip. And god, you get to talk him down from it and say what his wife wanted to say, and save him from meeting the same fate as her! You’re just sick, Darryl. She was sick too. Its not anyone’s fault that someone stays depressed, nothing can magically make depression go away, you have to see a doctor like with any other illness. You cant just talk it away by telling yourself that you ‘should’ be happy and youre somehow choosing to feel this way...

GODDDD I hope poor mr stubble grandpa is okay after the end of the game And I hope him and Quella stay in touch as friends! Her backstory made me cry too, goddddd She’s been diagnosed with cancer and has anywhere between three and seven months to live, because she was too poor to afford treatment until it was already too late. And she’s just so positive and okay with it?? Everyone else are the only ones crying for her.. She just wants to finish her final novel before she runs out of time, she’s crying more about not having enough inspiration for this. She just wants to be remembered, she knows she cant change her own death and this is the only thing she CAN change... I want Darryl to be her friend and help beta read her novel aaaa And dear god can everyone please be okay and stick together and GOD why can’t protagonist stay T_T I want you all to be safe when I’m gone, my friends. God I get to know them so closely yet never be able to really even talk to them, they’ll just remember me as someone they talked to only once before I died... And DEAR GOD let me rescue Paulo please!!!! everyone be safe please I don’t want to be able to hug Paulo and stay with him forever There is no way this can happen unless the worst possible thing happened I have to say goodbye okay i HAVE TO SAVE EVERYONE if all goes well I’ll never see any of you in person, okay? just let me be a shadow on this boat and pass away with no regrets knowing all of you will live a lot longer than me THIS GAME GETS ME SO EMOTIONALLLLL

[teamwave0]

How to Manage the Energy Crisis - Alternative Energy and Energy Conservation

The two adult crises [ie. other than the economy] ailing the burrow today are the slab crisis and the energy crisis. There is a serious shortage of food among the producers/exporting nation and as regular there is and testament always be a shortage of energy. I am not touching themes of the volatile present day economics. In this scoop I lack to dialogue about the ever increasing guts needs and the procedure we tins conserve energy, or even better, discovery alternate sources.

We are incessantly depending on energy to fuel our basic needs in our day-to-day lives. The majority of the determination move is for either electricity or fossil fuels. Let me show some fantasy stats to reiterate my point. The global electricity narrowing in 2005 was 16,830,000,000 MWHr approximately. And the giveaways day oil reserves are to be betrayal only for the next 40 years before they go dry. Mind you, this post is going to be very much in our lifetimes. [Hopefully..! adopting the mortality rate doesn't addition all of a sudden!]

One thing is for sure, the contraction is only limitation to supplement by the day. So what can be done closely this?

1. We tins conserve whatever little is left and prolong the end of the fossil fuels running out/avoid wastage of electricity or

2. Find alternate sources.

There are basically 3 different conventional sources of electricity -

1. Hydro-electric power: as we all know, this is generated by water injected at high weight that drives turbines which are coupled to generators. The high importance is achieved by storing water in dams/reservoirs. This is the most popular provision of power generation. There are many hydro projects that are very successful, Itaipu dam, that's located between Brazil and Paraguay is a good e.g,.

2. Thermal power: this is generated by burning coal. I just can't dig this fact. The heat determination thus produced is used to heat water, thereby producing steam to ambition turbines. Thermal power stations are becoming unpopular as the wastage is pretty high.

3. Nuclear power: the concept is similar to thermal power except that nuclear gas is used to heat water instead of coal. Nuclear might is supposedly 'clean fuel'. Lots of precautions have to be taken to ensure there is no leakage of radiation. [remember Chernobyl?]

There's the 'Why' and 'What'. Now let's go to the 'how'...

Energy Conservation-

1. Charity begins at residence they say. Aptly said. Firstly, we must put off all equipments when not in use. [at home or work]. A monitor or TV on standby manner uses 50% of its rated power.. its not just roughly your electricity bills, its closely how scads determination all of us can save together. The amount of electricity wasted by one of ourselves in a week or so maybe enough to power someone's house for at least a day. And that shouldn't be denied. Because, it all comes at a price.

2. Energy efficient equipments should be used; Lighting at homes, or high force equipments in industries.

3. Buildings should be built observance energy conservation in mind. That is minimizing the use of artificial illumination and bit conditioners; and incorporating rainfall water gaining etc.

4. And lastly, urban leasing can also be adopted. This is a technology newly followed in Japan [ I don't know much closely this] using this, the habitats where the farm is situated can be kept cool, thus minimizing the handling of electricity.

The above mentioned 3 sources of intestines are not renewable. So there is a dire need to discovery alternate sources. There are already popular technique -

1. Solar energy: there should be lots more solar acreage system up like the one in Spain. Here arrays of mirrors are aligned with the sun to reflect and distillation sunlight on to the summit of a tower. There is a differential hill and the mirrors align with the sun throughout the day. There are a series of pipes that circulate water in and out of the point of concentration. Thus the heated water is converted to steam and used to whip electricity. A very small land domain is used to system up these arrays of mirrors. The investment is one time and the returns are high. The electricity thus generated is enough to power an entire city..! For more info on this please watch 'planet mechanics-solar paella' or 'megastructures-man made sun' episodes. This is model for tropical countries which receive ample sunshine that can be tapped.

2. Wind energy: there is a lot of scope for ambience turbines to be series up in lots countries. Denmark satisfies 33% of its energy necessity from appearance sources. This is the largest in the world. An international commission tins be set up to identify specific sphere where this can be incorporated. The installation and performance tins be given on a contract basis or outsourced.

3. Tidal and geothermal determination are yet to be tapped commercially and poverty a courtyard of technical development.

Other than these, more and more guests should be given coal credits, so that they are encouraged to reduce pollution

The gift day stores from the existing oil sources shall last only for 40 more years. At this rate, and the present trust by us on the medium that utility them, there is a dire necessity to get to the alternate sources. The tendency petrol and diesel engines operate at a maximum of 35% efficiency. This technology has attained a saturation and very little can be done closely the Internal combustion engines. In this scenario, the best we tins do, at the nation actuality to conserve fuel are-

1. Car pooling - many a time, I have seen single tribe trip in huge elevator like Innova, Civic silver What a colossal leftovers of precious fuel..! People departing to the same workplace from nearby localities can profits turns and drive their medium to work. Or ensemble themselves can run cab-like orderliness even for people at the higher managerial cadre.

Today there are many technological parks which house dozens IT and Finance companies. Instead of having separate Cabs for every boldness in the same complex, the total conveyance can be outsourced to an agency. Now, consider a hypothetical location for example, say at ITPL: Infy, Wipro, Siemens, Oracle and GE have system up offices. All the shipment concerning the employees of all these guests can be given to a single agency. That way, you're not having separate vehicles, and saving a yards on fuel. I see some buses with "Global Village Technology Park" on them, good if they are actually deed this..!

2. Public transport - this themes was largely discussed in my previous posts' comments. Any city can accordance its commuters happy only it has an efficient and affordable transport system. From my experience, I can opinion that an ideal storyline would be buses with high frequency like in Chennai, the quality of the buses being like those in Bangalore, and the autos with meals like in Bangalore. This is obviously an ideal scenario, but transport association can work towards this. The BMTC in Bangalore is deed fairly a good stance with its services, and is THE largest proceeds creation transport org in India. The scads hyped subway bannister can talent the assignment off the buses to a great extent. But I sincerely feel it can be much more successful if intra-city train networks are built underground. So much of hiatus is saved above the ground, that tins be used for widening or for structure of flyovers. And talking of flyovers, lots of the flyovers today are broad enough to barely give the breach they income on ground..! So what's the point.??! We indispensability better planning. The transport and civil association must vocation in tandem to achieve this. The constructions are outsourced to private companies, which is a good move, as pvt orgs testament be result and deadline oriented.

3. Control of instrument inflow -

On one side, there is Nano [Tata], which is a path-breaking innovation, on the other there are big luxury cars which many people enthusiasm after. Let me profits the former first. True, the technology and its pricing are revolutionary. No one actually theory that a elevator can be sold at 1 lakh Rupees, and Tata has made it possible. The common man's car is almost here. Tata and the likes can make fantastic business. Everyone has a car. Everyone is happy. Great! But think of the consequences. There tins be two- three Nanos in a single house. This means each fellow in the clans can have a car at his disposal. The car per family ratio evidence go up from 1 to 2 or even 3..! this is not a good symptom considering the tides choking scenario on the roads. For clan in Bangalore, do you think it is possible to go shopping/roaming peacefully, on a bike to Avenue ways or SP road? [leave alone a Nano or a Maruthi 800!] so think of the time spent tour if the means inflow becomes thrice..

Instead, Tata and the preferences can take contracts from individual city transport corporations, and tins manufacture large job cars/vans that can seat atleast 5-6 people, and price it at a competitive payment [say 3-4 lakhs per vehicle] That way, there is an alternate means for transport other than the vertical buses, autos or even the metro. This tins be a comfortable measure to some extent and with higher frequency than the buses. The livelihood of these means can be outsourced. And the smooth running can be made possible by owning a centralized dominion bunch for the city. A GPS system can be integrated with the mobile service supplier that tins intimate the passengers when the next means evidence be coming to their stop. This last measure may supplement the overall prix of this operation, but that tins be looked into. Monthly/annual passes can be issued to vertical commuters [derived from the bus model]

Now, regarding the latter case, the luxury cars [petrol/diesel], people tins still buy them, but they cant be driven in cities..for practical reasons which both you and me know. They can be kept purely for the driving convenience and experience of long drives. This is for the driving enthusiasts.

4. In the future, there can be "super-colonies". That is, a huge world domain tins be taken by the builders to develop trade on one side, and residential and commercial tools separately on the other side. The feasibility of the diligence should be looked into obviously. I remember seeing in one of the episodes of "extreme engineering" where a 100 plot residential cum commercial locality was proposed for the future. The programme showed all the practicalities and the condition to combat accidents/natural misfortune and terror attacks. Such a complex is THE entity of the future.

Now for the alternates part

1. Hybrid elevator - cars are nowadays made with engines that switch between battery supply and petrol. This way, the mileage attained is atleast 3-4 times higher. The set that these run on are environment friendly [non-lead acid batteries].

Recently the Honda Civic Hybrid with Integrated Motor Assist was introduced in India. Its price? A whopping 22 lakh! but the stock price is about 12-13 lakh. This near 100% intention responsibility must be waived off for loanblend cars. Or even better, a concession must be given to such cars. Hybrids have a tremendous potential in the future market, say ten era hence. These can be used for the pleasurable long drive an enthusiast may need.

2. Biofuels - these are derived from decayed organic matter, currently used for powering homes or cooking. Engineering stalwarts like BMW, Honda can do some R&D in this area to spigot this for automobiles.

3. Other technologies like solar cars, hydrogen fuel [ https://teamwave.com/pipedrive-alternative ], or the water fuel battery cars have a long means to go before they can be tapped for daily consumption.

[tumblunni]

Quantum Devil Saga is SO GREAT

Oh my god, I’ve only read ten pages into this thing and I’m already being blown away by how much more intense the situation is and how much worldbuilding is written into absolutely every word. Holy SHIT this is gonna be an amazing retread of one of my fave videogames! Random stuff I’ve noticed so far that rocks:

* The printing quality of the hardback cover is AWESOME! It has this really soft plastic cover that feels almost fabriclike, its such high quality. And the cover illustrations are amazing, to see familiar characters with their original designs that we never even saw before, i mean WOW! I adore this version of argilla!

(More under the cut)

* Serph actually having a personality and thoughts and a voice immediately makes this all better. The strength of this setting is that it feels like it’d be so mysterious to be PART of it, its all about the identity struggle of people who live so far away from our concept of reality and things have only just got even tougher on their path to finding peace. So as much as we got all that from the character development of the other party members, it works so much better with an actual inner monologue of our hero experiencing these things. * An example is how we get to see Serph’s monologue getting away with him, how he mentions ‘a cat’ and then backtracks upon realising he has NO IDEA what ‘a cat’ actually is. And apparantly these memories and emotions bubble up often enough that he has his own word for them, he just calls them ‘signal noise’ and has grown used to putting them out of his mind so he can focus on battle. * Also it must be incredibly disarming to find a signal of something on your scanner that has ‘unknown data’, when you’re used to fighting the same way every day for all of eternity. I understand now why the mysterious cat was so much of a hook for these guys, when it wasn’t so much for the player. * ALSO, we get some immediate worldbuilding on the technology of the setting! Apparantly everyone’s strange cyberpunk suits are actually necessary to their fighting, they’re like bio augmentation. And everyone in the junkyard is apparantly created with heightened senses in various different forms of fighting roles, and we get some expanded detail on those. * Like, Argilla isnt just someone who uses a long scope gun in a game where everyone has a gun anyway, she’s specifically the team’s distance sniper and is a prodigy in her field to the point that her senses can outpace the scanner headwear everyone else uses. In the game all you even know is that in the first cutscene she’s using a gun, that’s it. And the game doesnt give her very good treatment for like the first three missions, so I’m glad to see she’s getting screentime and being established as a useful team member immediately! * And apparantly Gale is specifically a ‘bishop type’ who is able to receive and broadcast signals using that headgear of his, which explains the speaker ears aesthetic. These units specialise in scanning the battlefield and reporting tactical data to everyone else's headsets, as well as receiving admin messages from the Karma Temple. There’s a noteable moment in the first few pages, where the unidentified object has interrupted the battle and Gale is standing there yelling ‘Team [Embryon], please remove your unauthorized weapon from the battlefield or be penalized, Team [Vanguard], please remove your unauthorized weapon-’ So, like, does this mean the ‘bishop types’ are unaffiliated and act as referees to both sides? Does he join the heroes later? Or does this mean that them receiving Temple signals is more like channelling, and they just act as a vessel to say it all regardless of whether they want to? i suppose it would be fair if both sides constantly had a feed of equal info on the Temple’s opinion of both sides, with no private messaging. * The colour markings on everyone’s armour actually have a function beyond just being a cool aesthetic ‘tribal’ effect to contrast the future tech. Apparantly marking the teams is a mandatory rule of the Karma Temple’s organized deathmatches, to avoid friendly fire. There’s a very cool description of Serph identifying enemies escaping cover by their flashes of colour against the otherwise grey landscape. I wonder if thats also why everyone is created with these vibrant hair colours and someone normal-looking like Sera is an anomoly? * The player’s team being party-sized when every other tribe is an army is actually a plot point! Embryon is stated to be relatively new, and to have only just carved out their own territory and taken one of the six keys to the Karma Temple. I suppose thats why everyone’s going after them, then! * Its also badass how they describe Embryone’s small size being a disadvantage but also a chance for a new and confusing strategy. Everyone’s used to hiding their leader away in their base and sending out armies of relatively untrained interchangeable soldiers who dont hold any great loyalty. The rule is that if the leader is taken out, all the members of that tribe must join the one who killed them, so this strategy generally works well. And Embryon seems like an easy target because they CANT protect their leader, he HAS to fight alongside them! But that also means Embryon can completely control their enemy’s every move! Serph specializes in being the bait to divide and conquer far greater armies. He’s said to be talented enough to stand up against so many enemies, but its not like he’s a cliche super strong muscle man, he’s just so fast and sneaky that he can lead them all on a wild goose chase while his teammates do the fighting. * Also, Embryon isnt actually just five people, there’s around fifty of them. You KINDA see maybe eight npcs around the base in the early game, but you dont really get a sense its like that. It makes a bit more sense now that serph could narrow down five prodigies in their relative fields, if he had that many underlings to begin with. Also its mildly more believeable that 50 versus 400 could win. * But anyway, the main team of five do the majority of fighting and act more like a split group of multiple generals, instead of a single leader who never even fights. Serph is still the unquestionable actual leader, but like... at least here we get a sense of the reason WHY he is, and why everyone trusts him! He’s not only a badass but his strategy puts himself at the most risk above everyone else, and entirely relies on trusting his comrades to be able to cover him. Even before he fully understood human emotions, he was being the Team Dad! And even back when everyone was merely assigned to him by a higher power and knew they could switch teams any second if he died, they were still being loyal to him! Both sides would absolutely deny this, of course, yknow... * There’s a really good description of how looking at the Karma Temple amidst the grey clouds is like ‘someone painted over it in watercolour’. i dunno, thats just a great metaphor to describe someone straining to see the top of the tower but it dissappearing into the haze of unforgiving weather. You can really see how everyone could believe that a better world is right there above the clouds, its like a really literal depiction of christian heaven. Also, i like that the new translator made it more clear that there’s some christian metaphors along with the hindu ones, the place is still called the Karma Temple for continuity’s sake, but the organization is now called Church of Karma like it was in japanese. And it fits with the referee type units being called bishops instead of like priests or shamans or something. Its really surreal imagining a world thats this stew of badly remembered various religions from our world, all mushed into one!

ANYWAY only ten pages in already so much to talk about! i dunno even if some of my theories and observations are even correct, lol... BUT ANYWAY i love digital devil saga and now I REALLY LOVE quantum devil saga! I was worried it might not stand up to how much I loved the videogame, but so far it just seems like the same BUT MORE. More of everything that was ever vague and I really wanted to learn about! Aaaaaaa!! And the style of it, focusing on the experience of being a person born into this alien kind of existance, actually reminds me a lot of Haibane Renmei. I mean clearly it has more action and its not really intended to be a slice of life but it still kinda captures the same feeling?? I DONT KNOW I JUST KNOW THAT I LOVE IT Also I wanna draw fanart of argilla’s wildly different design, and im curious to see how the others look!