#like yes i now have adult problems but i also have autonomy

[courtney-deserved-better]

whenever i write teenagers i always think to myself "thank fucking god im not a teenager anymore"

[walk-to-gallows]

Mary was too much. The show spent to much time in the past they didn’t need to drag Mary back into their lives for MORE FAMILY DRAMA. There were so many options for Amara to grant Dean some wish or some desire that he wanted there was no reason to dig into his rat nest of a life and drag Mary from heaven as some gift to Dean. To me that was as bad as 11 or 12 seasons later we had to put up with meeting Sam’s imaginary friend. They didn’t ring us dry of Sam pity enough? Do we need something more weird from his life to ring the tears from us?

While I didn’t sit at home hating or blogging about her in some crazy negative way. I think I only made one post about her right after she appeared but I was happy to see her go.

Yeah, you're getting the full rant; Mary was a reclamation.

Like most horror media, Supernatural has a bad habit of fridging its female characters to give its male characters a fighting reason. Up until her resurrection, Mary was only present in the past, she was just a memory rather than a person, the perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect woman because she was dead.

Of course killing off a family member is a customary trick of the trade, it’s strong stuff for motivating your characters, but when your pilot opens with not one, but two female characters being killed for the sake of their male partners arc, there’s a problem there.

Mary’s return is important for many reasons. Her presence parallels Jack’s, the ghost of the past and the hope of the future, the undead and the newly born. She represents autonomy being given to women in horror, like Kelly Kline, these women aren’t just hills for men to die on anymore.

Mary is the beginning, she’s the start of it all. Her return was hardly heralded in a way that made us expect her, but she’s not a random prize. Mary’s death has been the catalyst of Sam and Dean’s entire life, and as they move on to the future, there’s a need for them to reconcile with the past, especially with Jack’s introduction.

From this ask and your next, I'm guessing you're much more a fan of Dean than Sam, and I won't lie, my preferences lie that way too, but I fear that you're letting your biases cloud your judgement.

Mary's return has much more to do with Dean than Sam, Dean was four when Mary died, he actually remembers her. Her return spurs a whole new arc for him where he has to come to terms with her absence in his life and the glorified version of her that he grew up with as a result of his young age, Dean feels abandoned by his mother both in the past and in the present.

And once again, with Jack's introduction and Dean's role as one of his parents, there's more for Dean to move through. Dean was incredibly involved in Sam's childhood, and yet now when he's an adult he find himself often emotionally unavailable like his own father was once.

Not to mention, Sam and Dean's lives have been tightly intertwined beyond what is normal for most siblings, they've spent years apart, but they've often only had each other to rely on. Most things that concern one of them will also concern the other. Yes, Mary's return gives Sam a chance to know his mother the way he was never able to, but it also gives Dean the opportunity to reconcile with his childhood, to say things to his mother he never thought he'd be able to say, to resolve a part of his life that has been an open, festering wound.

Dean lost his father to hunting, it's something he struggles to reconcile with (which is why 14x13 is so important but that's another rant). It's part of the reason he's defensive of Sam's criticism of John, because Dean remembers a time when John was attentive and gentle, and not the soldier he regressed to.

In season 1, we see Sam learn that side of John, the part of him that put away money into a college fund for his boys, that hoped for a future free from bloodshed, and he comes to terms with the loss of a father he had never gotten the chance to know.

This is what Dean gets with Mary, the chance to know his mother as she was, as a person and an individual. The resentment that Sam carried for John is comparable to that which Dean carries for Mary, it's a one-dimensional view of their parents, anger at what they weren't just as much as what they were. Dean blames Mary for his childhood, and while I don't think the culpability rests on her, it is that unresolved anger that brings his mother back to him.

Mary gets a second chance at life, Dean gets a second chance with his mother, and he brings her back to him. I really find it difficult to understand how so many people dismiss this plot line, because not only does it parallel the way Sam and Dean slowly lost their father to the hunting life, it is a direct result of Dean's lingering anger and grief that makes Mary their mother again. She avoids them, throws herself back into hunting because it's what's familiar in this world that has aged beyond her, and the guilt of seeing her boys, who have grown despite her absence, is too much to bear. Dean forces her past this guilt, he allows her to forgive herself because he hates her for being gone, but he loves her too, and her knowing that her absence now counts as much as her absence then is what changes everything.

The character writing in supernatural is something that can be so good, I hate to see the hate-train on Mary coming at full speed because she didn't live up to audience expectations (never mind that those expectations were based on snapshots of her from her grieving husband and sons, or the younger and "innocent" version of her). Anyway, you're free to dislike Mary, at the end of the day my opinion is my opinion and yours is your own, but the fact of the matter is that Mary's return was incredibly significant for the overall plot, and Dean's character arc and growth.

[turtlesandfrogs]

I think the idea, the expectation, in my country that people should move out of their parent's homes once they've reached some level of adulthood is a tool to prevent lower income families from accumulating stability or even a small amount of intergenerational wealth. And if it's not an intentional tool, it sure works like one. Also maybe this only applies to a very narrow segmentation that I happen to inhabit, but I think it might be more broad than that.

The more I think about it, the worse it gets. What's most people's single biggest living expense? Housing. Each generation that gets booted from the family home is starting over in the quality of living race. You finish college (or high school or get kicked out at 18 or...) with no savings, no buffer, and now you have to find housing. It can be really jarring for folks, because their patents have hopefully managed to build up a little stability and quality of life, and here you are, just starting out, and in a point in life that's a huge transition and huge amounts of stress and kinda really can affect the rest of your life rather dramatically. And you're bumped all the way back to square one. You've got to find housing, and a bed, and all the other things you need to support your life in this society, from scratch.

Rich folks PAY for their children's housing, or pay their bills, or are there to support their kids in case of a financial emergency- or opportunity. Their kids get support, so if they have a fuck up, they get another chance. Folks from my income level don't get that option, their parents can't afford it.

And trust me, I get that not everyone has a family home that they want to remain in for any length of time. But the idea that young adults* should be living by themselves, that living alone is some marker of success? I think that does a lot of economic damage, but it also really feeds in to this loneliness epidemic I keep hearing about. Humans are a social species, and we do better when other people are around.

Living with other people, pooling your resources and skills, makes it easier for everyone. Yes, you have to learn to actually respect other people and their needs, communicate, learn to have autonomy and to support other peoples' autonomy, and solve problems. But other people mean you get community, you get to share labor, you get to save so much on housing and utility costs. How much less fearful would people be if they weren't living alone?

How many people could just stop working 40 hours a week if they had someone to share costs with?

*I also, by the way, think this is good for older folks and children, too. How much less stressful would old age be if folks had younger people around to do the more physically demanding tasks? To just be there in case something happens? How much better for children and parents of children if there were other adults in the home who could help out or hang out? Do you know how isolating parenthood is for so many people?

[morgana-ren]

Hmmm. This is perhaps an odd scenario to pop into my mind, but bear with me for a moment.

Now when you finally find Halsin in the Worg pens, he's being tormented by two goblin children, who, if you initiate a fight, will run away and summon a few extra guards unless you kill them first. Luckily for my soft heart, there are no consequences for that beyond three more NPCs joining the fight who aren't even very hard to kill lol

So... My mind has jumped to this scenario: we all know Astarion can be very cruel in his practical, survivalist way. Consider... Astarion's surprise when Tav, perhaps a paladin or druid or one of the goodie-two-shoes classes suddenly gets just as vicious as he, stopping him from shooting down the two little goblins and allowing them to escape. Tav almost roars their order to stop at him, as furious as the bear they just freed, and in shock he does, instead shooting down or stabbing one of the adults. They're bristling, savage in their righteous rage, teeth bare and spattered with blood after the fight ends as they snarl that there are lines they will never cross, not even for him. Their heart aches for the suffering he went through at the hands of Cazador and they want to help him achieve peace with it, whatever it takes to do so, but they don't have the luxury that he does of picking up and putting down their conscience. Unfortunately, not every time they cleave to their principles is sure to be as manageable as just a few more goblins poking their nose into a fight.

But they hold their line. No. Child. Murder. Ever. Not even goblin children.

How does Astarion handle a Tav who loves him, wants to help him, even trusts him to bare their heart and turn their back to him... But still challenges him because they remember he's still a monster and they aren't, not yet at least?

Ultimately, I think that's what Astarion needs. Desperately. He needs someone to rein in his darker urges and remind him of the humanity in him-- that he isn't the monster he thinks he is, and that he still has control over himself and doesn't have to fall into the pit of depravity just because he feels he is one.

However, what Astarion needs and what Astarion wants are two totally different things.

It's just raw pragmatism is all. Vampires have changes that happen to them that even they can't control. His desperation shows through when he's willing to feed on Tav despite being in a camp full of warriors that would almost certainly slay him if he was discovered. He needs that blood or he goes feral. He quite literally cannot help himself.

This coupled with his selfish, survivalist nature can be a recipe for disaster. It's only fair that Tav might be wary, because their morals might not align with Astarion's in any given situation, and the darker situations, like the maiming of a child, it might be difficult to know where he stands, so it's easier just to draw the line in the sand before he has a chance to cross it.

He doesn't like it. Astarion likes power. Astarion likes to do what Astarion wants to do without anyone there to question him. Astarion wants full control of his actions and autonomy-- including freedom from the consequences of those choices, regardless of how they might reflect on him.

But that's not love. Love is selfish, yes, but love is also compromise. Love is understanding and caring about your partners needs and feelings, and I think that's genuinely hard for him because it's asking him to give up the one thing he genuinely wants and strives for: Complete and total freedom.

It would take extreme tact and precision, because essentially, if his affection wanes, he has no problem walking away because the sacrifice isn't worth the benefit. He can really like Tav, but realize that he's a vampire that is essentially immortal and he can eventually find someone more suited to his tastes.

But let's assume he doesn't want to. Let's assume he genuinely loves Tav back and is willing to work.

It would still take immense tact. You would basically have to manipulate him and make him think that making the right choices is what he wants. It would have to be framed in such a way that he thinks he came to the conclusion himself. Tav might have to do a mental deep dive and try to figure out why the lines are where they are, because telling Astarion "Because it's the right thing to do" isn't going to fly.

For children, you might be able to frame it as 'They are no threat to you, it's a pointless waste of energy and arrows," or "Focus on the threat at hand. Let them run and focus on the ones that aren't."

I think it's impossible to change Astarion and make him a stereotypical 'good' guy. He is who he is and has centuries of his personality being carved into stone. He will always have to be held in check if there's something truly reprehensible he's aiming for. But you can sort of rewire his brain in a small way so that the truly dreadful things are things he won't consider because he doesn't think he wants to.

He will, essentially, always have to be babysat by a 'good' character, and it is immensely draining, but that's what it is to love a monster.

You cannot change the monster; you can work to tame it, but it will always be a monster. You can love a monster, and it may even love you, but you cannot change its nature.

What makes Astarion a monster isn't that he is a vampire, but that he knows he a vampire. He knows what people expect from him, and he doesn't really give a shit to subvert those expectations. What makes him a monster is his selfishness, and his will do to whatever it takes to be free and live the life he feels was robbed from him. Tav would be asking him to change who he is if they wanted to change that entirely, and that just won't work.

Compromise is the answer. Manipulation and compromise. You'd have to slap a leash on him without him realizing what you've done. And you'd have to make him very happy in the meantime.

[soul-dwelling]

Rambling about recent anime watching, and how it keeps coming back to Soul Eater musings. 

(Disclaimers: Despite how harsh I’m going to be, I did enjoy K-On. And I take a cheap shot at FLCL. And Bocchi the Rock is really good. Now onto the criticism.)

Years ago, when I first got to read Soul Eater NOT, my joshing of the series was that it was ripping off of K-On. 

At the time, I hadn’t watched K-On. 

But recently HiDive’s FAST channel has had marathons of it, so I finally watched it. 

And while I enjoy a lot of the anime, yeah, I can also see why the series (a bit wrongly) gets blamed for a moe trend in anime.

And maybe it wasn't entirely fair for me to compare NOT to K-On as a way to disparage either series. Granted, the K-On anime didn’t start until 2009, so in-between the first Soul Eater anime and the Soul Eater NOT anime.

And moe has its place in animation, so the problem is not moe in and of itself; the problem is whether it is done well, suits the tone, or speaks even ironically to the subject matter. And I’m not sure whether NOT satisfied all three of those criteria. 

I think both the NOT manga and anime would have been more memorable and funnier if it still leaned into the horror angles more often of the original series, such that the moe aesthetic is all the funnier when put into contrast with the scary stuff. That contrast was present enough times to show there was that potential: Patty’s Halloween ghost costume, Texas Mask, and Stein making the Eternal Feather robotic head. 

But I also wish, especially in the NOT anime, whenever the main trio confronted something really scary or serious, that suddenly the visual style would shift to the original 2008 anime character designs. Imagine if, as soon as the Eternal Feather versus Maka fight started, that the art style suddenly was exactly like the 2008 anime, immediately going into the skull-face/pig-nose. It would work on numerous levels: it’s a cheer-worthy awesome moment to see everything return to the original style; it is now a good-natured joke where maybe even the bystanders like Tsugumi have a new art style (and maybe are aware of it?) without the joke getting in the way of the seriousness of the moment; and it hypes up the fight and communicates that the tone and genre have shifted dramatically. 

In other words, I wish it was less K-On at that moment and more Bocchi the Rock with rapid-fire changes to the art style and animation. 

(Yes, I also finally got to watch some of Bocchi, so coming across it at the same time I finally got to watch K-On is something else, trying to process two completely different series that are both about quartets of high school girls playing rock music. Seriously, Bocchi is so good in terms of humor, character types, genre-bending, music, medium-shifts, actually telling a story about social awkwardness and depression...It's what those godawful FLCL follow-up series should have been like.) 

But there is something else in K-On that is an odd coincidence when it comes to Soul Eater, NOT, and Fire Force (probably only a coincidence for Soul Eater, as the K-On manga didn’t start until 2007, but more likely an influence on NOT and Fire Force): the gags that just don’t work. “Here’s the adult teacher who is way too invasive in their students’ lives, attire, privacy, and bodily autonomy.” “Here is the very serious dark-hair pigtail girl with the cat association to be the butt of gags.” “Here is the reluctant fanservice girl.” Is this how those bad corny jokes started getting really popular? Is this what leads some moe content to be repurposed by hack creators for crappy content? 

To make my point clearer, I enjoyed K-On: the plot is compelling, most jokes work, the dub especially is well acted, and the animation is good. But I still was creeped out by Sawako’s entire existence and how the story just had to decide that Mio’s victory needs to be destroyed by a fucking panty gag. 

And even if I understand the backlash against moe, or the frustration with how the moe art style can become cliche, I’m trying to be hesitant to criticize moe. 

That’s not only because that criticism then feeds bad-faith actions by the worst people on the Internet, AKA the misogynistic fuck-sticks who can go fuck off into oblivion. 

No, it’s also because that criticism can overshadow what I do legitimately see as valuable in the moe art style: the eyes can be more communicative; the cute factor can help jokes land better, the pain feel worse, or when used as a contrasting visual can make the horror elements (as with Madoka) more impactful. 

And it’d be hypocritical for me to bash K-On given how many times I have given Ohkubo’s stuff a pass despite it getting gross. 

But I also think I get now why there is trepidation around the moe aesthetic when it is misused, as I do think Ohkubo was drawing from some of its qualities in really good ways to set up Maka as the protagonist we needed in a shonen horror musical story, but he also failed to do enough creatively with it for NOT, and it seems like it was his short-cut to add pervy fanservice crap to NOT and Fire Force. 

So, again, I enjoyed what I saw of K-On. I just wish I wasn’t having to be so cautious about the series given, again, Sawako’s gross existence and the bad luck Mio and to some extent Azusa have in it. And I wish I wasn’t having to be so cautious about the series when it should be blameless just because I happen to recognize potential parallels between what it was going for with its moe style, and how Ohkubo pulled from that same style to meet his gross aims (Tamaki). 

[reyesmarconi]

So let's say Charles is dating someone who has children already...how does he interact with them that differs from how he interacts with Cael...

there’s also some things that are important to note in regards to his relationship with his own son:

charles has experienced first hand what it’s like to deal with a man who acts as though he owns you simply because he played a part in your conception, and to this day charles has a lot of autonomy issues from that, so he did a hard 180 in how he raised cael.

cael is 19 at the moment, and a really mature (or rather, responsible) and self-sufficient 

at this point in time, while charles is still very much the adult in the relationship, they converse and solve problems in such a relaxed, straight forward matter that charles doesn’t often (or ever) need to pull the “i’m your father so you need to do as i say” card with him. they talk as though they are equals, which they are to some extent.

they just have similar ways of looking at the world and at things. they know that good arguments are all that’s needed to make the other change their mind, or at least compromise.

so how he interacts with cael is kind of relaxed and easy going and very “adult-like” at this point. this is because of cael’s age, and because of how their personalities work together.

now, as for how he interacts with a partner’s kids, again, it comes back to the age and it also comes back to the energy the child gives him (yes, the “vibe”). charles is attuned to this kind of thing. he will alter his behavior accordingly to what he’s given – if the kid asks questions, is curious, is involved, charles will be communicative, will be attentive, will try to satisfy the kid’s curiosity. if the kid is friendly and affectionate, charles will be playful and match in friendliness. if the kid is reserved and guarded, charles will give them space and let them come around on their own accord. he will not press them or push them, and he will simply treat them respectfully and mind his business.

now when it comes to age, the things above apply. with kids he’s quite gentle, and with teenagers he is patient. he does not expect to be liked right off the bat and he expects suspicion, aloofness and wariness on their part. and when it comes to the kids of partners he’s been dating for quite a while, it goes without saying that he’s not gonna spontaneously try to parent them. he knows how much he would hate that if he were them. if the relationship has reached a serious, stable enough point, it’s likely that charles will want to have a conversation on how involved they (his partner) want him to be in the parenting process. it’s a boundary that needs to be discussed explicitly. once it’s discussed and outlined is that he will proceed. his parenting style will not suddenly change for them. the only difference that i can imagine is that charles may not be as… let’s say… paranoid. he would still like to be a teacher, and teach the kid about survival skills and martial arts and what not, but he wouldn’t press them so much if they showed no interest about it. in other words, he would be chiller.

[olreid]

How did you feel about the reveal that Aurora (and the New Fenian) was dreamt by Niall but with input from Mór? Less of a situation of dreaming a pliant forever loving wife. I think it adds so much to Mór's choices, and also the wider narrative of dreamers who are wracked by darkness and pain dreaming people who are more capable of lightness and joy, but I'm still very curious to see what Aurora's experience of it may be and what questions it raises of autonomy and nature/nurture and creation. Would love to hear your thoughts on whether or not it changed your opinion on the Lynch Family Dynamics.

hmm i mean yes mór contributed but it still was explicitly a case of someone dreaming a pliant, forever loving wife, just with mór's sign-off and input. while we had previously thought that niall maybe dreamt aurora without mór's knowledge, thus violating aurora and mór, we now know mór consented to that process. but that doesn't change the fact that aurora was created specifically to be obedient and subservient in certain ways, and to carry out reproductive labor that neither mór nor niall was particularly interested in taking on themselves; they created a person whose entire purpose was to be less than a person, to be void of agency and autonomy, and that is a terrible thing to do. for that reason, it doesn't really change how i feel about the dynamics of lynch family 2.0; aurora's presence in the family is still just as fucked up as ever, perhaps more so because not one but two grown adults thought it appropriate to bring her into being for the sole purpose of mothering ad infinitum. it does help us get to know mór better, but i just have to be honest in not really finding her whole deal that interesting lol sorry! she was one who i felt suffered for greywaren's disjointedness and came off as pretty flat/like mstief was using her as a (shoddy!) solution to narrative problems rather than actually trying to create a fully fleshed out person.

re: the angle of "dreamers who are wracked by darkness and pain dreaming people who are more capable of lightness and joy," it doesn't hold a lot of interest for me personally due to it feels reductive of dreams' emotional complexity... to imply that dreams are not also wracked by darkness and pain is i think false; they experience much pain and suffering stemming from the fact that those around them often don't recognize them as fully agentic beings as well as from the tension which arises between their static dreamt purposes and their mutable human desires. conversely, even dreamers who feel themselves incapable of lightness and joy are shown to be capable of those very things, just incapable of recognizing their capacities for such. so i'm not as interested in drawing such distinctions between dreams and dreamers as i am in investigating what prompts the characters to draw and maintain those false distinctions in the first place, if that makes sense.

my investment in how dreaming functions in the series stems mainly from reading dreamers as people who are imbricated in dysfunctional family systems using dreaming as a method of outsourcing labor - often emotional labor - that they are unable or unwilling to perform within the context of said family system, whether because a given dream is able to express those repressed emotions or because a dream functions as a receptacle for abuse which is its own form of emotional release. i read your ask's framing as focusing more on the dreaming as art angle, whereas i tend to read dreaming more along the axis of what it has to say about reproduction, both literally as in creating people but also in the sense of reproducing emotional patterns and ways of coping (or not coping) with repressed traumas.

but that's not to say your reading isn't textually grounded also, and that's part of the messiness that comes with the dreaming in tdt as a metaphor that is supposed to operate on several registers simultaneously. all told, we have: (1) dreaming as metaphor for artistic practice, (2) dreaming as metaphor for mental illness, (3) dreaming as metaphor for chronic illness/disability [which is of course not necessarily separate from mental illness but separated here just for broad thematic purposes], (4) dreaming as reproduction/childbearing.... probably other more minor ones i am forgetting.. ultimately i think mstief puts too much weight on this device and it can't do all of the thematic work that's set out for it, as evidenced by the tension that arises when, for example, you try to read dreaming as both artistic production and literal reproduction; i have a hard time focusing on the art reading when what's being produced is often a literal person with their own subjectivity and agency rather than an inert art object. anyway

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Look my point is that if you have fucked up for real and your intent is to apologize do not look at me like that emoji.

An appropriate time to look at me with the emoji face is if we were dating and you did something -something we discussed as okay to act out with- specifically because you have a discussed kink about me getting mad at you and spanking you for it, and at no other fucking time.

What you do not do, as another grown adult, is violate a boundary I have described to you, say "sowwy" and then hit me with one of these:

And stare expectantly at me like a bratty sub waiting for a response.

Or do this face while slowly walking away and looking back repeatedly at me like this like I am supposed to say something to you.

Yes it has the affect of having your metaphorical tail between your legs but it actually makes me really fucking angry, because:

It has given me 0 assurances you won't just turn around and do the same thing again, thus making you unsafe for me to be around

You have made your transgressions against me about managing -your- emotional response

You have typically made it clear by then that all conflict to you is "two sided" and a game of saying sorry and being "forgiven" so you can both move on and pretend nothing happened, when to me that is not resolving anything [because it leaves open the continued danger of it happening to me again] and in fact communicates that you don't think I am facing any real consequences for your actions. Nobody who makes this face at me as a grownup doesn't also turn around and act like I should forget to be angry after 10 minutes because consequences to them are purely emotional and I should be 'over it by now'.

And gosh I wish I didn't have 50 half baked rants about this but you would be surprised how often grown adults in my life will do things like:

Expose me to an allergen or virus that is incredibly dangerous to me by doing something to my body or my stuff I explicitly asked them not to and already explained why

2. Tried to force me to kiss them or have other physical contact with them

3. broken something expensive that's mine or shared after doing something with it I explained not to do after they agreed not to do that thing

4. Otherwise violated my autonomy or consent in various ways including cheating on me and lying about it or having put something in my food, or being caught lying about their sexual history

5. Admit to maliciously undermining my social relationships to isolate me or out of spite, or admit to posting publicly about my location etc... Something that forces me in or out of contact with other people against my will.

And then they fucking hit me with one of these and "sorry" and maybe even shaking or big hot tears... Like that's going to do anything and then fucking wait there staring at me for a response after I tell them to get lost.

I should not have to point to the nearest door and tell you to leave because the script in your head got stuck on "Wait to be forgiven."

And it's gotten to the point where I cannot see someone make this stupid face, after having done something genuinely harmful, without it making me furious.

Fine used to do this all the damn time. In like a hyper exaggerated "not sure I am making the right face hard enough because I am not getting a response" kind of way. And it drove me fucking nuts.

Like people making this face are clearly staring at me expecting something, and I'd say I don't know what the fuck they want, but I can probably guess, and they aren't getting it.

And like yeah, forcing kids to apologize is part of it. Giving them the "i'm sorry vs you're forgiven" script to follow at all is a problem, but it's one part of a larger cultural problem we have with practicing understanding how our actions actually impact other people. Parents set on pretending nothing is wrong 10 minutes after any incident are also part of the problem just as much as parents who stay mad at you indefinitely or make you feel like once you fuck up there's nothing you can do about it. Culturally we have a really strained relationship with understanding -consequences- especially for people more vulnerable to harm than us, and we have a really broken and strained notion of what "accountability" even means.

I did not know what that emoji was called before today.

Do you know how I found it? I searched "sub face emoji"... And found it instantly, because that's what it fucking looks like. It -looks- like you are asking to be playfully spanked about something because you think that whatever you did doesn't have big enough consequences not to be immediately forgiven if you look cute/pathetic enough.

And when I see grownups make this face at me it makes me want to scream.

Not to mention grown adults who pout and stare at you afterward like they expect you to placate them about their guilt, if they were cute enough growing up, omg...

[toastandjamie]

I have- so many feelings. I’ve been trying to write an analysis since last night but everything I wrote is incomprehensible so this is an attempt: advanced apologies. Originally I wanted to make a post about C!Quackity and C!Tommy’s relationship but then it got me thinking of talking about what makes Tommy so vulnerable to manipulation even incidentally which brought me to Wilbur and Techno. So I’ve decided to just make a mishmash comparing Tommy’s relationships to these three complicated people.

Starting with Quackity I think we can all agree, Quackity GETS Tommy. In a way others on the server(like Fundy or Foolish) just straight up don’t. Quackity treats Tommy a lot like he treats Slime, with this understanding that Tommy isn’t like everyone else and won’t respond to things like others would. Because Tommy in spite of everything really does act like a kid. He acts out because of boredom or frustration especially when he’s ignored. Often others get frustrated when dealing with Tommy, but Quackity has this odd level of patience different from say Sam, Puffy or even Foolish in that he puts himself at Tommy’s level. At the start I think this was just a genuine attempt at having fun with our chaos raccoon but at the moment it’s almost patronizing(a reoccurring theme). Quackity understands that pushing Tommy will only result in property damage, but he also knows that he can’t let him run around unsupervised(because property damage). When Quackity is unaware that Tommy is listening he sounds more than a little frustrated at his antics, but then Tommy throws on a pair of pants claiming to be called Trousers and insists that he is not in fact Tommyinnit. Quackity plays along, he doesn’t try and force Tommy to stop, he humors him. This is something Quackity does a lot with Tommy, and it’s why Tommy still seems to have positive feelings towards him. Quackity humors him the way adults will humor a child who’s insisting that they are a wizard. Through this lense(which I think Quackity is fully aware of) he’s able to get Tommy into a less aggressive state and get information out him. Like why he’s working with Wilbur, and Tommy’s feelings about it. Which also unfortunately makes him super easy to use. I think in the future as Quackity slowly succumbs to the inevitable power hungry corruption that’ll bury whatever soft spot he has for Tommy, we’ll see Quackity take advantage of Tommy’s blatant abandonment issues using the trust he’s built through these small appeasement based interactions.

Moving on; C!Wilbur Soot! This is a land mine let me tell you. Because Listen, Wilbur is obviously, severely traumatized and mentally ill. I don’t think Wilbur necessarily has any malicious intentions towards Tommy. But unfortunately this bad boy is backing a fuck load of unhealthy coping mechanisms and behaviors. Such as his possessive streak! We saw with L’manburg the whole “if I can’t have you no one can!” Mentality, which has now been transferred to Tommy. It’s a move to assert his control over a situation and unfortunately for Tommy he’s a prime vessel for this behavior because he has absolutely no concept of healthy boundaries! Since his backstory and relationships are a bit blurry we can’t make any definitive explanation for where this came from but for the sake of argument let’s say Tommy has known Wilbur since he was young, and Wilbur was always someone with a possessive personality(albeit less obvious due to the fact that he wasn’t traumatized yet). Being raised by or around someone who never sets boundaries with you can lead to a person growing up not able to do so themselves. And wouldn’t you know it Tommy has clearly never had a stable healthy relationship because all of them have been transactional or codependent. Which is, bad.(shout out to Tubbo and Ranboo though for trying to enforce healthy boundaries sadly though the timing of this separation couldn’t have been worse). Currently I think it’s safe to say Wilbur and Tommy have a codependent relationship. One with a very clear imbalance of power, comparable to a codependent parent-child relationship. In which Tommy excuses Wilbur’s bad behaviors out of a sense of responsibility, this feeling that because they’re “family” he owes it to Wilbur to stay by his side. Not to mention how Tommy obviously craves guidance and leadership from paternal/fraternal figures, which he originally found in Wilbur(later in Dream, Techno and Sam afterwards). Tommy very clearly desires a family structure in which he is loved and protected no matter what, and Wilbur fills that role easily and willingly. Wilbur wants someone who’ll be loyal to him and will never leave or betray him, and Tommy wants someone who’ll protect and care for and, say it with me boys, will never leave or betray him. There isn’t anything wrong with wanting someone to be there for you, but because of their complexes and traumas these feelings of fraternal affection are twisted into a relationship lacking boundaries and for Tommy, complete absence of autonomy. Only doing things because Wilbur wants him to me, because he wants Wilbur to be happy and Wilbur is never wrong. Not a good mindset to have when dealing with someone like Wilbur who is destructive as a means of coping.

Lastly another landmine, in the form of Technoblade! Ah yes, bedrock bros. We love them and miss them. But newsflash guys they ALSO had an unhealthy transactional relationship! But here’s the thing about unhealthy relationships, sometimes people are just not good for eachother. There’s no bad guy or good guy. No ones in the right or wrong. They just, weren’t good for eachother. Now whether this was situational or not can only be answered if they reconnect with healthier mindsets but for now we’ll say it’s situational. Obviously, Tommy was clearly in a bad place. Just barely managing to escape exile after a narrowly thwarted suicide attempt: now packing a whole slew of issues, from paranoia, depression, fear of abandonment, low self worth, and just general debilitating stress. Techno was ALSO in a bad place, he just hides it under a sense of self righteous justice: like guys, his only friend was put under house arrest because of him associating with him, and he was then executed under the threat of death of his faithful horse companion. Techno was angry and blinded by revenge. A bad mix when you toss in a traumatized codependent teenager desperately searching for someone to fill the empty void of fraternal leadership left by Wilbur’s death. Tommy really just wants someone to tell him what to do, like let’s not kid ourselves here. Techno offered Tommy protection from Dream, which yay! But also creates an unbalanced power dynamic(bringing that one back!). I genuinely believe that it wasn’t Techno’s intention, but the thing is, the relationship became transactional: a “I’ll protect you and take care of you if you do what I say and help me.” Type scenario. It was impossible for Tommy to really comfortably say no, at risk of being tossed out of straight up given to Dream to face whatever horrible consequences running away had. BESIDES that, they are just two very different people who had very different priorities. Techno wanted vengeance against L’manburg, Tommy wanted to be protected but always had the intention of returning to L’manburg one day(clearly believing getting the discs would be a catch all problem solver). These two priorities are in direct conflict with eachother; as a result they’re partnership would never have worked in the long term. Here’s the kicker to what makes this relationship so unhealthy though, because those things in isolation don’t make an unhealthy relationship but the fact that Tommy’s poor mental state fueled by Techno’s blood seeking revenge made him act in ways HE deemed wrong, makes it unhealthy. Tommy wasn’t lying, being with Techno made him become a person he didn’t want to be, and it’s NOT Techno’s fault. It was the unfortunate consequence of their opposing view points and unhealthy mental states. Perhaps in a world where the Butcher Army never existed the Bedrock Bro’s team up could have been a moment of healing for both characters; but alas that was not the world we are privy to in canon.

Yeah so that’s it for now I guess

[picnokinesis]

ok djdjdjdj on a more serious note if you’d like to talk about control and lack thereof as a theme in campervan I am All Ears, and adding even More Ears if you’d like to tie that back to how that plays with 13’s amnesia, and Even More Ears if you’d like to look at how that theme gets declined in the different AUs, and so many more ears if you decide to throw Kosch into the mix (pls don’t ask me where I got all those ears)

You take off your anon shades and reveal that you're actually 17 ears in a trenchcoat -

BUT YES oh my days so the idea of control (and lack thereof) is woven into a LOT of campervan au. A lot of the Doctor's issues (and Koschei's, actually) stem from a lack of control, and that feeling of needing to be in control. Like, for example, her attachment issues and how she has a tendency to push people away comes from (in part) the fact that she got moved around a lot from an early age thanks to the foster care system. So then that lack of control means that now, in her adult relationships, she's constantly bracing herself for people leaving her, and often she'll try and take back control by then being like Actually I'm Leaving Them (see: the scene at the end of campervan part 2 when she's awful to Graham - because she'd rather cut the strings herself than have the rug pulled out from underneath her). And it's genuinely so sad because she has so many good friends she's just incapable of really seeing it, and seeing that she can actually go back and talk to them even though they're not hanging out anymore, or they've drifted apart. For example - take Martha, or Amy and Rory, or Jack. She could go back and talk to them easily, and they would be so happy to hear from her. But she doesn't see that.

But then how it plays into her amnesia is also really interesting, because that's all about these instincts and fears that she can't shake but can't explain either. Her fear of hospitals is a great example - because she can't control it - she has these instincts she can't understand and can't fight, and she hates that. It really scares her, sometimes. And the not knowing is what makes it so hard - because maybe if she knew, she could rationalise it, understand why she's scared and do something to work around it. But she can't even do that. And immediately after the crash, that was particularly blatant, because she really needed to go to hospital, and she couldn't. It's even worse in anterograde (for many OTHER reasons besides) because she knows why she's scared, but she can't remember enough of what's happening around her to keep track of what's going on, and also she can't develop any trust with anyone (not that she would anyway hahah but when she only has 2-3mins to work with immediately after the injury, it's absolutely impossible). And so then what happens is she doesn't open up, she can't explain that there is a problem or what the problem is, and then they (understandably) try and take her to hospital, and she panics. And it means that when Grace just mentions that she's a nurse, or tries to offer to look at the head injury, the Doctor (in both verses) is immediately trying to prove that she's Perfectly Fine, Actually and that she doesn't need any help, because the idea that people will realise that she isn't ok (especially in anterograde) and then decide to make decisions for her, take away that control and take her to hospital, is absolutely terrifying to her.

And then in anterograde in general, the control thing really comes in, because there's a lot of exploration of disabled/vulnerable people being able to make their own decisions and have autonomy. Because, frankly, the Doctor loses a lot of her independence in that au just because of the nature of her injury, and a lot of times there are other people who end up making decisions for her, or not telling her things because 'she'll forget anyway', or intentionally not telling her things so they can take her out of a situation and into a new one, knowing that she'll forget, and then say oh yeah you've been with me this whole time, when she has not. And the Doctor realises all these things are happening, and then starts fighting very hard against it, because in this au in particular she is desperately trying to get that sense of control back in her life, because losing control of how she lives her life is probably her worst nightmare ahaha. Like, she says at least once, even if the decisions and choices she's making are bad, she still has that right to make those choices. She made bad choices all the time before her injury, and no one stopped her then - so why should they stop her now, just because she can't remember things?

And then, naturally, it plays into ziptie au in a more literal way, because the Doctor and Koschei end up captured, forced to do stuff against their will, and then ziptied together for a significant amount of time even once they've escaped, so they have very literally control over their situations. And then neither of them can go where they want because they have to stick together, whether they like it or not, until they can get those ties cut, which means they both end up arguing a LOT and both getting extremely stressed out and frustrated with each other, among other things (like pulling at each others wrists and yanking each other across car parks HAHA). But then it gets interesting because the whole thing also heightens their co-dependency, which means even when they do get the ties cut, they end up sticking together anyway - because even though they both can't stand each other in many ways, they can't stand the thought of separating from each other either. The Doctor, in particular, doesn't want Koschei to disappear from her life because he holds the key to her past, to all of her memories - and if he goes, she might never find out the answers she needs. As it happens, she ends up finding out in a really terrible and confusing way anyway which doesn't help her at all.

And then in redacted au the Doctor basically gets a lot of choices stripped away from them - but then they gets given the chance to start making choices, suddenly. And this au is a lot about them learning how to make their own choices again, and then the consequences of the choices they make.

[rachelbethhines]

Tangled Salt Marathon - The King and Queen of Hearts

The existence of this episode just baffles me, as it undermines so much of what season three was trying to accomplish. 

Summary:  Rapunzel continues to try and restore the memories of her parents, King Frederic and Queen Arianna, and hopes to use the journal of Herz Der Sonne to remind them, but they do not understand the significance. Arianna still lusts for adventure, while Frederic cannot get over his obsession of egg collecting. Rapunzel recruits her friends to try and set up the perfect date for them and while they cannot find anything in common personality wise, they share a mutual love for Rapunzel. However, King Trevor arrives with the intent to woo Arianna using an ocean crystal he found.

So What Exactly Is the History Here? 

We have no context for this sudden love triangle. All we know is that Trevor hates Frederic because he’s still in love with Arianna who wound up marrying him instead. 

But like, I don't know why Arianna married Frederic. I don’t know why Trevor is still hung up on her years later. Did she actually choose Frederic or was it an arranged marriage cause that’s what royalty did back then? Was she having an affair with Trevor this whole time but couldn’t/wouldn’t leave because of duty? Was she and Trevor pining star crossed lovers, or is Trevor just an incel? 

I know what the story wants me to assume; that Arianna deeply loves Frederic and that Trevor is just a jackass loser; but the series has done such a poor job of making Frederic likable and giving him and Arianna any sort of chemistry that I’m inclined to side with Trevor. 

For all we know, he may be trying to rescue Arianna from both her memory loss and her abusive relationship while at it. Especially now that she’s no longer needed as a ruler and has no reason to stay in Corona. 

Why Not Just Use the Potion from Rapunzel: Day One? 

While any Varian cameo is appreciated, it doesn’t add thing to the story. In fact it only raises more questions. We already had a cure for the memory loss, why aren’t we using it? 

Even if we write it off as Rapunzel no longer having that particular Saporian spellbook on hand, she still has a whole dungeon full of actual Saporians who know magic that she could gain information from! There’s also Xavier, who already knows everything under the sun about Saporian/Coronian history and magic and owns spellbooks galore. You’re telling me he just has mood potions lying around but can’t brew up a cure for memory loss? 

Then there’s also the fact that the amnesia spell doesn’t work on Rapunzel’s parents the same as it did on Rapunzel and we’re never given a reason why. Like just some basic consistence is all I ask show. 

I also can’t figure out what Varian is even trying to do here. Where’s is the science to this? What does strawberry goop and lighting have to do with memory? It’s just a cheap reference to Frankenstein and nothing more.  

We’re Already Pass Seven Months Since Rapunzel’s Return. 

Ok, I have gotten into frequent debates with people about the timeline of season three. Many a story board artist and writer on the show have came forward and stated that season three was only one year. But the very existence of this episode disproves them! 

If you remember season one, Hearts Day took place after the Goodwill Festival, but before Queen for a Day. Even when putting episodes back into their intended production order that still remains true. 

Hearts Day has to be at least seven months past Rapunzel’s birthday, if not eight months, because the Goodwill Festival is six months past and her parent’s anniversary (QfaD) is nine months past. 

Now Rapunzel’s Return has to be Rapunzel’s 20th birthday because season two was a full year, and even if you say it’s not, then that still doesn’t explain Once a Handmaiden (the Goodwill Festival) coming after this episode.  

And no you can’t move the episodes around, Once a Handmaiden has be the second to last episode of the series and Under Raps always comes after Rapunzel’s Enemy in any order you watch the series in. 

No matter how you slice it, we’re missing a birthday episode for Rapunzel and season three has to be more than a year; a year and a half at the very least, if not two full years.  

Look I’m not trying to be disrespectful of the talented artists who worked on this show, but their word isn’t law. The very fact that they’ve had to tell us the timeline after the series was over with indicates bad writing, and the very fact that the show itself contradicts them indicates either a lack of communication behind the scenes or a lack of editorial oversight. Either option is just poor management. 

We Have Yet Another Failed Narrative Promise! 

Are we seeing a pattern yet? 

This is the third time in a row where the episode flat out states that Rapunzel needs to learn something and then, just, never has her learn it; four if you count her non-apology to Varian. Instead the show rewards her for her bad behavior by just giving her want she wants on a sliver platter for no adequate reason. 

In fact, one could argue that this episode is the worst offender in the show because divorce is a real thing real kids have to go through. Children that will undoubtedly watch the series. 

How upsetting would it be to such a child to watch Rapunzel force her parents back together  with zero consequences and realize that they can’t do that in real life? It can potentially feed into misplaced delusions or make them even more bitter, either way it’s unhealthy and super irresponsible to tackle such subject matter in this way. Even Sesame Street handled the topic of divorce better than this supposedly ‘mature’ show. 

It’s a Castle! Why Can’t Frederic Get His Own Room?

Frederic is the king. He still technically owns everything even if he’s not the one still in charge. He could have his pick of any room so why is he forcing himself on Eugene? Hell he doesn’t even have to stay in the castle. As pointed out during The Return of the King review, there’s other accommodations within the kingdom that’s suited for royalty. Why not head up to that mountain retreat?  

This is a Really Bad Message 

I understand that this is meant to be a joke, because of how ridiculously over the top it is, but because the series gives Rapunzel what she wants in the end without ever having her acknowledge how she is wrong here, it winds up validating her toxic world view anyways.

Divorce is not inherently a bad thing. We should be working towards both normalizing it and promoting healthy coping mechanisms for those that go through it, adult and child alike. What Rapunzel is doing here is just repeating puritanical fearmongering. And while I can understand why she might behave in this way, I don't understand why the show refuses to call her out on it. Or any of the other million bad behaviors she displays repeatedly through out the show... like the example below for instance... 

Why Am I Suppose to Like Rapunzel Again? 

It’s like the writers don’t understand that a joke can damage a character, especially if it’s overplayed. Super sweet upbeat Rapunzel snapping because she finally met someone who was annoying or a situation she couldn’t just solve with a positive attitude was funny maybe like the first time; but we’re three seasons in and this is supposedly her closest loved ones.  

Look at them! They’re fucking terrified of her! All they did was point out that she maybe should do her job and deal with real problems instead of poking her nose into her parents business where it doesn’t belong! And this brat is now the ruler of the whole kingdom!? No one can legally stand up to her. 

Like where’s the Eugene that stood up to her in Under Raps for trying this same bullshit? Why hasn’t she learned her lesson? She also pulled this same bullying tactic on young Lance and teen Eugene two episodes. Cass left her ass, supposedly, because of her bossy thoughtless ways. And this is also the same woman who abused a child back in season one and still has never acknowledged it. 

Yes characters should be flawed, but they should also face real consequences for their actions, and if they’re a protagonist they need to learn and grow past their flaws. 

I actively started to dislike Rapunzel after this scene. I already felt something was off way back in the season three opener, but this is the point where I stopped and went “What the fuck?” She used to be my second favorite character behind Varian. I didn’t go into this wanting to hate her, even after this episode I still held out hope that they were trying to purposefully lead up to some sort of falling out with everyone and with Rapunzel having to own up to her bullshit in order to win. You know like a classic third act “the hero is now alone due to their past mistakes” type story. But Nope! 

There’s no pay off for any of this. Rapunzel is just mean for the sake of being mean in season three, and no one is aloud to call her out on it. She’s now the same type person as Frederic, a tyrant. That’s not a good development! 

She’s Literally Bullying Her Own Parents Now, and I’m Suppose to Find that Funny? 

Yes, Frederic is her abuser, and yes some people might find this scene cathartic if they hate him. But this isn’t actually calling out his past abuse. It’s just Rapunzel treating a now powerless old man with that same abuse and denying him bodily autonomy. An old man who has both less political rights and less power within the relationship than her; since due to his memory loss he is now dependent upon her. 

In the real world it’s the equivalent of picking on an Alzheimer's patient who is in your care. I don’t give a shit how much of dick they were before the illness set in, you don’t fucking do that!  

Why Should I Want Arianna and Frederic To Be a Couple? 

The show has done nothing to sell this relationship. In fact one could argue that the show is trying to purposefully sabotage it. 

Before the memory loss Frederic was proven to be abusive, to the point where even his own wife was afraid of him and wouldn’t stand up to him. Meanwhile Arianna was shown to be a shell of her former self who’d all but given up upon the things she actually enjoyed in life. And now that they both have had a second chance they have even less motive to stay together. 

Look at Arianna up there? She’s clearly not enjoying her time with him. While he doesn’t want to engage in anything that she likes. I mean a couple doesn’t have to share their interests in everything, but there still has to be some sort of connection and the series just does not give us that connection. 

There’s no reason why they should stay together. They no longer have any commitment or duty to fulfill as rulers and their daughter is fully grown. Contrary to what Rapunzel says, the kingdom isn’t going to fall apart if they separate. It actually would probably better for everyone, including Rapunzel, if they got divorced. At least then she’d have to grow up somewhat and stop being a controlling asshat.  

Why is Attila Here?

I thought Attila got a job running his own bakery and that it was Lance who became the new cook at the Snuggly Duckling? Even if you argued that Attila was just doing Rapunzel a solid that still wouldn’t explain who is running the place when Lance isn’t there. 

If you’re going to set up developments like that then you need to either stick with them or give an on screen reason for why these previous developments are no longer relevant. Flat out ignoring them like this is just lazy. 

Lance’s New Outfit is the Best Thing About the Episode, and It’s Also a Complete Waste.

Lance deserved a new outfit because the team was too lazy to give him one for season two, even during the island arc. This however is a waste because it doesn’t add anything to the narrative. People were paid to make this thing for it to only show up for a few seconds of screen time. 

This Whole Exchange Is Gross. 

Oh let me count the ways in which this is so, so stupid. 

Neither Rapunzel nor Frederic has ever proven themselves “thoughtful and responsible.” In fact both of them being irresponsible is intentionally a plot point in the main story arc.

How would either Frederic or Arianna know any of this? Not only have they lost their memories, but they didn’t raise Rapunzel themselves and those traits aren’t inherited; they are taught. 

Gushing over your grown daughter isn’t a point of connection! 

Why would anyone be compelled to kiss a practical stranger, that they previously didn’t even like, just because they both admire some woman they also barely know and happen to be related to? What is the thought process behind this? “Oh we made that? Then lets make another one!” What the fuck show? I’m ace and even I know that’s not a normal thing to get titillated over. 

The Series Turns Frederic Into a Literal Baby In a Last Ditch Effort to Make Him Likable 

The whole point behind the amnesia plot was to absolve Frederic of his past wrong doings. You can’t call out an old man with Alzheimer's for being a dictator, I suppose. (not like that’s ever stopped me from criticizing Ronald Reagan, tho)  But from there the series then takes it one step further and actually infantilizes both Frederic and Arianna, because Chris assumes that if he makes Fredric as pathetic as possible the audience won't hate him any more. Well guess what, it didn’t work. Frederic isn’t suddenly a poor woobie just because he’s useless now. That’s not how that works.  

Rapunzel Literally Physically Assaults a Person, Kidnaps Them, Threatens Them With Even More Bodily Harm, and Causes an International Incident; All Because They Asked Her Mom Out On a Date! 

You can’t hear it in the screen shots, but there’s very clearly a clanging sound to indicate that Rapunzel just wacked Trevor upside the head and knocked him out. 

Let me repeat, a Disney protagonist just committed armed assault against a guy, simply because she doesn’t respect her own mother.

What the Fuck!!!???

Arianna is fully grown woman. She is perfectly capable of making her own choices and she agreed of her own volition to go out with him. In fact she’s the one who asked Trevor if she could come along on his sea voyage. It’s not Rapunzel’s place to interfere with that. 

Secondly, Rapunzel shouldn’t get a free pass to attack people just because she’s doesn’t like them. And she most assuredly shouldn’t get to write off her cruelty as justice because she's royalty! What the hell? You just turned one of your official princesses into a literal tyrant for the sake of a joke, Disney! 

Where the fuck was the oversight on this show!? 

And to top it all off, Trevor is a ruler of a competing kingdom. This could easily have been deemed an act of war. Thankfully for everyone involved Trevor has far more sense and compassion than Rapunzel and doesn’t push the matter. 

Yes that’s right! The intentionally annoying prat and comedic antagonist is a more upstanding person than the main heroine! Let that sink in! 

Wait, If Laws Don’t Apply Out In the Ocean, Then Why Did Eugene and Max Have Jurisdiction to Arrest Lady Caine in Peril on the High Seas? 

Max shoved this same rule book into Eugene’s face when Eugene rightfully questioned if it was his job to arrest the mutineers. This book said that it was not only his job, but that he was also legally required to stop any and all ‘wrongdoing’ no matter where he was at nor whether he was on duty or not. While also failing to specify what ‘wrongdoing’ entailed. 

Now that’s very problematic and ridiculous for a whole host of reasons that I’ve already covered back in my review of Peril on the High Seas, but this scene now adds a whole new layer of stupidity to the mix. 

If zero laws apply out in open waters than yes, Eugene and Max were acting out of their jurisdiction. Not only that, but the pervious dumb rule regarding their duties is also now null and void. So, Justice For Lady Caine! 

Oh, but were not done yet, cause it gets dumber. 

If laws, including marriage don't apply, then getting married while out at sea also would not apply. Thereby rendering Trevor’s plan useless, unless they got married back in Equis. Which if they did that, it would bypass the entire pointless rule book completely because Equis is not subject to Corona’s laws anyways. 

There’s not even any ‘inter-kingdom’ laws that they would be subject too because Equis isn’t a part of the seven kingdoms. Any treaty they did previously have with Corona would be something else entirely, and Trevor would be within his rights to end such an agreement.     

Also Trevor is a king. He can do whatever the fuck he wants. Same goes for Arianna.

Ummm, No You Don’t Rapunzel

Trevor can’t marry Arianna without her agreement to it. It’s already been established that she’s physically capable of taking care of herself and she’s also mature enough to make her own decisions. If she did wind up marrying him it’d be because it’s her fucking choice to and Rapunzel has zero right to interfere with that.  

There’s no one to rescue here. Rapunzel has no reason to go chasing after her mom. All this is doing is denying a grown woman agency over her own life. Why should I or anyone, root for Rapunzel here? 

You Do Know That Arianna Has More Than Just Two Choices Here, Don't Ya Show?

Arianna doesn’t have to be in any relationship. That’s also an option. While I personally like Trevor, this shouldn’t be a choice between him or Frederic. The show should be asking what Arianna, as a character, would want for her life, instead of just shoehorning her into just being a wife for someone else. 

I still don’t know what Arianna really wants in life, but I do know that being a domestic housewife and a queen does not suit her. She doesn’t actually like being tied down with commitments and responsibilities. She’s repeatedly indicated over and over again that she feels uncomfortable in her role. 

But the show reduces her into trophy to win and turns her into a damsel in distress multiple times. Then it further neuters her so that she complacently walks back into that life over and over again for no logical reason. She’s treated not as a person but as a prop.    

Really, Arianna? Are You Really Sure About That? 

These aren’t Arianna’s words. They’re Chris’s. 

Arianna has shown zero interest in Frederic up to this point. The closest they got was during that creepy boat scene where they just jumped to almost kissing for no real reason.  While before now Arianna was making actual goo-goo eyes at Trevor earlier, before Raps stepped in and broke them up.  

They actually do have things in common and had a genuine point of connection. They even almost kissed themselves until Raps started being a dick. No forced and icky conversations about their grown children needed here folks!

While I still firmly believe Arianna should just be single, the show does far more to convince me that she and Trevor should be together more so than her and Frederic. Everything about this scene on the boat feels forced and hollow because it doesn’t ring true to what was previously established. 

This just isn’t good writing. It’s the animation equivalent of a six year old smashing their Barbie dolls faces together and shouting “now kiss!”, all because a middle aged man couldn’t get over they fact people didn’t like his self insert. 

No, wait, I apologize. That’s being mean to six year olds. They usually have more interesting plots and established characterization than this.  

Hey, Remember When the Series Villainized an Orphan For Stealing This Stupid Book? 

Yeah, stealing the book was treason and the mains ruined a child’s life over it, but apparently it just doesn’t matter any more cause no one seems to give a shit about Trevor taking it. Like, yes, as the king of another kingdom, Trevor isn’t beholden to Frederic’s bullshit, but you would think that the characters would treat this as a bigger deal than what they do, given how they responded previously to it being taken.

Unless Rapunzel was just talking out of her ass back during The Alchemist Returns. That’s also quite possible.  

This Literally Has Nothing To Do With You Rapunzel 

Just because Rapunzel herself is a woman, doesn’t mean that stealing the agency of another female character isn’t misogynist. Especially when their both written by primarily men.  

Every guy who was involved with the writing of the episode, should be fucking ashamed of themselves!!! 

So What Exactly Has Trevor Done Wrong Up To This Point? 

Yes, the story board artists and voice actors do a lot of heavy lifting here to try and make Trevor seem like a creep. Arianna’s body language and tone of voice when dealing with him here will be very familiar to a lot of women, I’m sure. I know what it’s like to have a stalker and not know how to turn them down because you’ve been trained all your life to ‘be polite and nice” to people, and I’m not unique in that regard. 

But here’s the thing, it’s not set up properly. There’s nothing backing this sudden shift in the characters’ dynamic. Up till now Trevor has been a perfect gentlemen. Sure he was over the top as always, and you could call it an act when regarding his politeness to Frederic, but he seemed to genuinely respect and admire Arianna and clearly desires genuine affection in return from her. Why would he suddenly stop behaving in a way that worked for him and start talking over her instead? 

Also why wouldn’t Arianna just tell him no to begin with if that’s what she wants? She had no trouble speaking her mind before now. But that begs the question why she wouldn’t return his feelings as well, because as stated above, she clearly showed interest in him previously. 

This is So Fucking Forced

Yeah, okay, you’re daughter has no reason to be here to begin with, disrespected your wishes, and attacked Trevor first. At this point I’d argue he has a right to retaliate. Especially since, if Rapunzel was allowed to board, you know she’d just attack him again, because she knows no other way to resolve conflicts other than to hit people very hard.  

Arianna’s actions here only make sense if she’s kept in the dark about what an awful human being her daughter really is. That’s poor writing. 

Also, having a woman just punch people while denying them actually agency and choice within the plot is not ‘girl power.’ It’s fucking misogyny!

How Does Doing the Bare Minimum, and Just Showing Basic Human Decency Count As ‘True Love’? 

What was she suppose to do? Let him drown? I mean I wouldn’t, and I despise the man. Not to mention anyone else could have done the same thing. They’re all right there. If Lance had jumped to the rescue would Trevor have proclaim them lovers too? 

Trevor Is Still the Better Man Here

Here he is rescuing Rapunzel even after she treated him like shit. 

Best. King. Period. 

This Still Doesn’t Redeem Frederic 

So through out the episode Frederic has inexpiably shown an obsession for eggs. He now collects them even though this was never an established trait before now. But whatever. He’s just been through something traumatic and looking for something to ground himself.  Far be it from me to make fun of someone else’s special interest. If you like to collet eggs than good for you. Go live your life to fullest. 

That’s more respectful than how the show handles it, as everyone dismiss his interest and it’s treated like a joke through out the episode. Only to have said obsession save the day. But this isn’t here to teach the others about respecting other people’s hobbies, oh no, it’s here to try and give Frederic a big hero moment so you’ll cheer for him. 

Except one nice thing does not erase his past actions! I don’t care what your hobby is, if you deliberately try to cause grievous harm to people you’re and asshole! And you will continue to be an asshole until you can admit what you’ve done wrong and try your best to make up for it. 

I Hope You Made Back Up Copies of The Tunnel Maps 

A bunch of people are more upset over this development than I am, because it is a historical artifact and preserving the past is important. But the only story function the book held was a map to the tunnels, and said tunnels were never utilized properly through out the entire show. 

To this day people still don’t understand that they’re meant connect the island to Old Corona or that Herz Der Sonne is the one who built them into order to invade Saporia because the show is so bad at its world building. And come season three, they’re all but irrelevant anyways. Such a wasted concept. 

Once Again the Whole ‘Memory Loss’ Subplot Is a Copout 

Ok that’s not how the spell worked previously, but that’s not what I’m taking issue with here. 

If the whole point behind the amnesia plot twist was to sweep Frederic’s awfulness under the rug, then I expect his past actions to be addressed once he’s regained his memories. They are not. 

This episodes reverses the very thing that the season was trying to achieve and just hopes the audience is too stupid/attention deficient to notice. Well guess what, we noticed and we’re far smarter than you Chris. 

Conclusion

I don’t understand the point of this episode. It shoots everything season three is trying to do in the foot. It screws up the timeline, makes Rapunzel even more of an irredeemable dickhead while preventing her from learning yet another needed lesson, undermines Arianna as a character once again, and it puts Frederic back in the crosshairs of the audience’s scrutiny. 

Oh and look, it’s written by the same guy who wrote Rapunzel’s Return. Why am I not surprised.  

Anyways another one down and only 15 more to go. You can support my continued marathon by dropping a tip in my ko-fi if you wish. I’m currently back to job hunting yet again and anything you can give is appreciated. 

https://ko-fi.com/rachelbethhines

[autistichalsin]

With all of the gentleness and kindness in the world, I am going to point out that multiple survivors of sexual assault and abuse are in your notes, all making the same point that what you are portraying is paternalism, not protectiveness or consideration. Astarion is not being treated as an adult by your Tav; he is being treated as someone incapable of making his own decisions, who needs to be protected from himself. I would like to urge you consider why multiple survivors are in your notes taking issue with this particular dynamic. I urge you to consider why many survivors are being filled, not with feelings of a warm and supportive relationship, but of a controlling or even outright abusive one.

Why do you people make it about "unable to consent". Nobody is arguing that he is unable to consent. He is very able to consent. But you can still consent to stuff that is bad for you (at least in the very moment). Why the hell is that so hard for y'all to understand?

This is a distinction without a difference. Saying he can consent, but the activity is so bad for him that the other person is right to withdraw consent on his behalf is still fundamentally the same statement as "he can't give meaningful consent."

Like, please. Drop out of the "story" perspective ("this is a story about healing" blablubb), and go into a more real world logic. This is the very same day that the entire Ritual scene took place. Astarion on this day almost saw himself confronted with his worst fears, almost died, got denied his ascension (a thing that the game, by the way, encourages the player to decide for Astarion), and then killed Cazador, before having a fullon mental breakdown.

Dropping an aspect of story from story is an unconventional request, but alright. Yes, it was a traumatic day for him (assuming it was the same night- it's a bit ambiguous how much time passed). But having faced that, Astarion is now deciding he is ready to assert his own personal agency. He is ready to show you his trust and negotiate a relationship entirely on his own, without Cazador looming over you. Not everyone is going to react to sexual trauma with the exact same pattern of aversion.

In a somewhat realistic perspective... Well, healing takes time. It is not gonna happen on the same bloody afternoon as... all of that. Sure, we can argue that the scene is there because from a storytelling perspective it kinda makes sense to tie a nice bow around Astarion's character arc - but from any real world perspective... it doesn't.

Sure, healing takes time, but it starts somewhere with something. Some people find reasserting their own bodily autonomy to be part of the process. And again- what is part of the healing process isn't for the other person to decide. It's for the person who owns that body to decide. Again, you don't have to engage, but again, the survivor in question would have every right to feel hurt, talked down to, and to reconsider the relationship.

Imagine him in that scene showing any other sort of typical coping behavior. Say, he was like: "Let's get drunk and do drugs." Which he as an adult very much also can consent to. Would it also be condescending to say: "No. That is a bad idea?"

That you put sex in the same category as substance abuse is telling. But I'll bite: getting drunk or using recreational marijuana use can very much be part of a healthy lifestyle, in moderation, and yes, that includes after stressful events. There's a reason there's a meme about hoarding alcohol for election night. If it's done often as a form of escapism and with indications that the person doing them is having difficulty coping in day-to-day life without it, THEN there is a problem. I wouldn't tell a person saying "I had an awful day at work, I need a drink" that they were incapable of making that decision for themselves, unless it was part of a longstanding pattern of them using alcohol in excess as a crutch to deal with stress, at which point I would express my concerns that they were developing problems with alcohol. There is nothing wrong with alcohol use in moderation, just like there's nothing wrong with having sex after stressful events to reclaim agency.

And yes, I am sorry, within the context of the scene, I personally read it as coping. Y'all can read it differently, but that is the reading of the scene I have. Because I am very sorry, someone who on the same day had had a full on mental breakdown is not acting clearly again within hours.

Why is there so much talking in absolutes here? It's uncommon, sure, but to call it impossible for someone to have that kind of breakdown- especially when it led to the outcome they've been wanting for so long, and finally got them closure- and then feel ready to move on? I feel like you are not taking into account the sheer relief a lot of survivors feel when their abuser fucking dies. That kind of relief can counter a lot of trauma. That feeling of safety just might have been enough to counteract what happened earlier, especially because a big part of Astarion's breakdown was "it's finally over". It was a breakdown of catharsis, not of being pushed into it.

At which point I am also going to ask: If you had the well-founded assumption, that someone who wants to have sex with you, might dissociate during the sex... Would you want to have sex with them? Like, from the perspective of your own mental health, would you want to have genital contact with someone, when that person might dissociate in a way that you cannot even predict how that dissociation might look like. Because as someone who has dealt with people who dissociated without having sex with them - and hat to go to ER once because of it... I sure would not want that.

If you had a partner who dissociates somewhat unpredictably but expresses a desire to continue having sex, would you end all sexual activity? It's valid to say yes; it's also valid for the other person to be hurt, feel condescended to, and end the relationship. Which is ultimately the point I was making in my first reply: yes, your Tav can withdraw consent for any reason at any time, and this is valid, but their survivor partner would also then be well within his rights to withdraw consent for the entire relationship. Again: if my partner started making those decisions unilaterally "for my own good", I would no longer feel like an equal partner. I would feel as though my trauma and mental illness were being weaponized against me in order to give my partner control over me. I would feel I was utterly without a voice in the relationship, because if my own assessment of my own mental state was considered less important and less trustworthy than my partner's, that would mean my partner could assign any state onto me in order to assert control. I would never feel like an equal partner again, and the relationship would end- if not immediately, then later when resentment has built and my love for the other person died out entirely.

And to be a bit salty here: Yeah, I am sorry if self-protective behavior reads as "condescending". I call it sensible.

I urge you to consider just why so many people are calling your Tav's "sensible" behavior paternalistic and condescending at best, and outright controlling at worst.

Consent is very much rooted in trust - both trust that the other person does not want to harm or use you, but also trust that they will not inadvertently harm you. And the second part is something I would not see as given Astarion's prior record. (Doubly so given how often he had lied until this point about how he was feeling in certain scenes.)

If you can't trust Astarion about his own mental state, then honestly, what is your Tav even doing in a relationship with him? If you can't give your partner even that much- if you can't even let them be the arbiter of their own feelings and health- why are you with them at all except for wanting to feel like their savior? Does your Tav like Astarion a he is, or is your Tav dating him with an end goal in sight where they get to make him into something else?

If your Tav is the only one who gets to decide when Astarion means his 'yes'es, then it is only one step away from your Tav being the only one who can decide when Astarions means his 'no's too. One party can't have that much unilateral control over their partner. They just can't.

And yes, additionally of course... From the perspective of my Tav, it is very much a situation he was in before - him being a runaway abused slave himself, who has been in the almost exactly same situation 18 years prior. Including a full-on breakdown, dissociation, really bad coping strategies and other "fun" stuff. So, yeah. From his perspective: Until Astarion shows to him he is clearly better, he is not gonna let anything happen. For Astarion's sake, but also for his own sake, given that Astarion dissociating could be immensely triggering to him, too. (Not to speak: possibly dangerous. Because, yes, depending on circumstance someone dissociating can become dangerous. Again, I ended up in ER once because of a friend dissociating and becoming aggressive. Doubly so if that person is a freaking vampire with claws and fangs.)

And if your Tav framed it solely as a reaction to his own trauma being triggered, there would be absolutely zero issues. "I don't want this because of my trauma" is a morally neutral statement. "I don't want this because of your trauma" raises dozens of red flags for controlling, paternalistic behavior, especially with the justification that you/your Tav feel Astarion would hurt you during sex. Again, if you are unilaterally making this decision for him, and using the justification that you feel he would harm you, such that you feel only overriding Astarion's enthusiastic consent would protect both of you from harm, then there is ZERO reason to actually remain in this relationship, because you fundamentally don't trust him, and a relationship without trust isn't sustainable. If you feel that mentally ill people will inevitably get violent with you, then it would probably be wise not to enter a relationship with one.

And I am sorry, I hate this type of "mental health advocacy", that kinda implies that people with mental health issues should have the right to endanger other people, just because they feel they want to do something that they feel might be helpful to them, even though that something might induce adverse effects in them. Sure, adults can make their own decisions (within reason), but others have every right to tell them that a) they don't think it is a great idea, and b) do not want to take part in it.

Mentally ill people are more likely to be the victims of violence than the perpetrators. This demonizes mentally ill people and spreads fear and stigma that has already been used, for decades, as an excuse to strip mentally ill people of their basic human rights. You have zero reason to think that Astarion's dissociative episodes come with a risk of violence to you, and to decide that only taking away his agency can suffice because of that one event reads like punishing him. The ableism in this section of the reply disturbs me, but it does also go a long way in explaining why you feel your Tav should be given so much control over Astarion when it would never be reasonable to give for anyone else.

I am disturbed by the implications of this post. Of course your trauma is valid, and I am sorry for it, but that doesn't mean that you are right in implying mentally ill survivors should have any less agency, or be believed less when talking about their own bodies/minds/mental states, than survivors without mental illness. Again: if only your Tav has the right to decide when Astarion is healthy enough for sex and when Astarion means his yes enough, then only your Tav has the right to decide when Astarion is sick enough to refuse sex and when he means his no enough. If you take away his ability to say yes, you take away his ability to say no, too. Doubly so when you factor in how this whole post reads as so spiteful to the mentally ill. I am sure that wasn't your intention, but that is how it reads.

Even outside of sexual stuff that is just a very reasonable thing to do. Like, don't get in the car with someone, who in the past has dissociated while driving. Duh.

What this is saying is that people who dissociated while driving in the past shouldn't be allowed to drive ever again, but it doesn't work like that. Instead, it should be "don't drive in similar conditions to what triggers your dissociation until your therapist clears you, and in the meantime, have a passenger in the car who can take over driving if you do dissociate, which means avoiding highways or freeways where you can't pull over to change drivers in the event of emergency." Reasonable safety measures, not complete avoidance- and that with their own consent, not with the partner who is supposed to be their equal unilaterally putting themselves in a position of authority and saying only they get to decide when their partner is allowed to drive.

I'll be honest here: this reply actually made me feel worse about your Tav's relationship with Astarion than your OP did. In the OP it simply read as misguided paternalism, but with this added context it reads as a complete and utter lack of respect from your Tav to Astarion. What you are describing isn't an equal partnership, and it has so many red flags to how abusive relationships, especially abusive relationships with a mentally ill survivor, start. It always starts with "I'm doing this for your own good, your illness makes you dangerous."

I'm sorry. I know that your Tav means a lot to you, and I know we all approach these stories with our own traumas. I also know that you still seem not to understand that the issue isn't "your Tav didn't want to consent under those circumstances" and instead was "your Tav feels that they should get to make Astarion's choices for him due to his mental illness," and therefore you probably aren't going to understand why I am saying that this couple raises a lot of red flags for me. You will probably think I am exaggerating, not understanding your Tav, or being too lenient on mentally ill people. That's fine. But I am just telling you as another survivor that what you intended and what made it on the screen are two entirely different things.

I am once again begging you to please listen to the people in your replies and consider why this is so deeply upsetting for so many of us. I am going to be honest, here: your first post just had me confused. This reply is making me feel incredibly dehumanized, as though something I have fought hard to overcome is something I should be ashamed of.

BG3 fans, we gotta talk CPTSD

Okay, I have spend about a week considering writing this blog, but I really gotta say, that it is something people really need to understand. See, I mostly see this issue with Astarion and his depiction in fandom. However, I would argue that it is a thing that affects literally all characters that play some sort of bigger in this entire game. Including many NPCs.

But let me start with Astarion. See, I wrote the blog two weeks ago about people being judgy on people, who do not want to have graveyard sex with him. Mostly people will argue how Astarion should be allowed to have his agency in that moment - while I argued that whoever the player is playing should have also agency in that scene. Including the agency to say "no" for whatever reason. I also included that my Tav absolutely denied Astarion, because he was not trusting that Astarion in the scene really was ready for it, for a variety of reasons. Which is very much a valid reason for someone not to want to sleep with someone else. (Literally every reason is a good reason for that, mind you.)

And obviously there came the comment, that went basically: "As someone who was raped I am very appalled by you saying that raped people cannot consent." Which is very much not what I said.

What I said was, that my Tav did not consent. Yes, he did not consent because he thought Astarion was not ready for it - but he is the one not consenting. It does not matter for this whether his assumption about Astarion is true or not. Tav does not feel comfortable in the scene, so Tav does not want sex right there.

However... If you consider the drow orgy scene, Tav is also very much right. If you do that scene after defeating Cazador, Astarion is enthusiastically consenting to that orgy, but he still ends up dissociating during the scene. (And in that scene, even if your character notices it, you cannot go "Stop!" Which I hate.)

Here is the thing. If you are in the BDSM scene, you might actually have encountered a scenario in real life where someone was enthusiastically consenting to something - only to them realize, that they were not into it at all. And people can withdraw their consent IRL at this point. Only that in this game, obviously you can't. So within the game choices I will just start out with "no" for this character.

Still, that is actually not what I mainly wanted to talk about. No.

What I wanted to talk about is the other thing. I absolutely know that for a variety of reasons a lot of SA survivors do identify with Astarion, and I do not want to take that from anyone. I think it is amazing that we got a character with whom we see this issue portrayed seriously. And let's face it. Especially in tumblr fandom circles, we will have a lot of SA survivors, because the userbase of this website is majority afab, and many are queer. And we know from statistics that queer afab people are even more likely than non-queer afab people to experience SA at some point in there life. So, yes, Astarion is going to be embraced by this community makes sense - even without his dashing looks.

But here we get to the actual meat of the issue: Astarion was not just raped. Astarion was abused in a variety of ways - some of them sexual - over the course of 200 years. He went not through a single traumatic event, but an ongoing trauma that, again, lasted for 200 years.

Or to put different: Astarion does not have PTSD. He has C-PTSD. Complex trauma. The kind of trauma that develops when the trauma lasts over a long, long time, without the survivor getting a chance to ever really properly ever relax. Something that was very true for Astarion's time under Cazador. He was under constant threat of rape, torture, and other forms of violence.

While CPTSD is a form of PTSD, it has some differing symptoms - and additional symptoms from plain old PTSD.

I found this graphic on this blog here, and found it fairly good in the depictions. (If you google CPTSD you will find several graphics like this.) It shows very well the additional symptoms, compared to normal trauma.

Generally speaking, CPTSD brings a lot stronger issues with self-worth, interpersonal problems, and emotional regulation. CPTSD folks are often prone to emotional outbursts (this graphic names anger, but technically it can be all other kinds of emotional outbursts - which is why at times CPTSD gets confused with BPD).

And Astarion is written like this. He shows very much all the symptoms of CPTSD. And let's be honest: That is an issue he will have to deal with for a long, long while.

But... As I said, the same is actually true for pretty much all the characters.

If you look at the companions, it is obvious.

Gale spent at least a year in constant fear of blowing up. While Mystra's abusiveness towards him within the relationship prior the orb is more fanon than canon (though the relationship was defnitely not an easy one), the "one year in constant fear of death" is very likely going to instill some form of CPTSD in him.

Karlach was a slave for 10 years, forced to fight in the hells. While she will also probably suffer from certain forms of PTSD more common in soldiers. Additionally I would argue that she also has some CPTSD from tiefling-racism. While she does not bring it up often... She does seem to have a thing there.

With Wyll it is a bit more complicated. Yes, for him I would see the kind of CPTSD I have - parental abuse related. Ulder was not openly abusive, but neither was my mother, and guess what fucked me most up in my childhood, despite experiencing some really bad violence elsewhere.

Shadowheart was abused by Viconia and midwashed and tortured and was forced to kill her fucking pet mouse. Bonus points that a lot of it happened during her childhood. She very much is gonna suffer the consequences.

Lae'zel... Do I really need to say something about her upbringing among the Gith?

Then we have Halsin. We know fairly little about his background, given that he is very coy in talking about it. But his "three years as a drow slave" definitely make it likely that he has developed some form of CPTSD.

And then we have Jaheira and Minsc. For whom just the... Well, look folks, the adventuring lifestyle would logically also leave you with CPTSD of some sort.

Even if you play a Tav who entered the game after having a very untraumatic life... They will spent what has to be at least two months with a tadpole in their head threatening to kill them - while half of Baldur's Gate is trying to do the same. They'll have PTSD after this at the very least, if not CPTSD. (Even though, let's face it, chances are we all gave our Tavs more than enough background trauma to go along with it, right?)

And same goes for so many other characters. The tiefling refugees. Our main villains (especially Gortash and Orin). Cazador. The other vampire spawn (duh). The list goes on.

So, what am I trying to say here?

Well, for once I just want to make sure folks understand that CPTSD is a thing that exists and while being similar to normal PTSD differs in some points. Including the fact that people with CPTSD have a high likelihood to make very rash decisions driven by instable emotional states, that might be harmful to them on the long run.

And mind you. In real life most people with CPTSD have it because either they were bullied for a long time, or were in an abusive relationship of some sort. (Abusive parents, abusive partners, abusive friends/roommates.) But even in those heightened scenarios the game represents for the most part - the issues are gonna be still mainly the same.

[dessarious]

What Makes a Family? Pt11

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Marinette woke up on the floor sandwiched between Luka and Kagami. She was about to just go back to sleep when she noticed it was dark outside. That was a problem… why was that a problem? Chat. She bolted upright.

“It’s only nine sweetheart.” Her Papa’s voice came from the kitchen and when she looked over he, her Maman, and Alfred were sitting around the counter. All of them looked worried and tense. Marinette got up slowly so as not to wake her partners and as soon as she was out from between them they scooted together. She just smiled fondly at them before going over to the adults.

“Everything will be fine. Where’s Chloe?” Her Maman glared at her while her Papa let out a frustrated sigh.

“Miss Chloe went back to the hotel to see about rooms for everyone. Also, Master Bruce’s finance wishes to come meet you as well if that is acceptable.”

“Of course, but I may not be able to spend much time with them at first. I have a feeling that things are going to progress rapidly once my true Black Cat has the Miraculous.” They were all frowning at her now.

“And how exactly are you planning on taking it from Chat Noir in the first place?” Her Maman’s tone had an edge to it and she was speaking through clenched teeth. Her parents hated her doing anything dangerous and it was times like this she was honestly sorry they knew who she was.

“I told him to meet me somewhere there will be cover. I’m bringing Chloe so she can stun him. I also wanted to ask if you would be willing to come Grandpa Alfie. It will mean you’ll have to use a Miraculous but it would help misdirect Chat as to who is actually in charge.” Her parents exploded immediately while Alfred just frowned at her in thought. This was exactly why she couldn’t let them take part in things like this. “Please don’t yell, you’ll wake the others.”

“And why does he get to go rather than one of us?” The fury in her Maman’s tone sent a chill down her spine but she didn’t let them see it.

“For starters, he’s not attached to me yet. You two are too close to me, not to mention that as my parents it’s completely against your nature to follow orders from me. I can’t risk you moving too soon. Also Grandpa Alfie doesn't know me well enough to give away my identity unless he calls me by name. I love you both, but you have no filter when it comes to protecting me. He also has military experience that could be useful and given Master Fu’s age before he died, Chat will be far more likely to assume he is the Guardian. That misdirection could be vital in keeping everyone safe.” They didn’t look happy, but they did stop arguing.

“How did you know I was in the military?” She blinked at Alfred in confusion for a moment before letting out a yawn. She really hoped there wasn’t another Akuma in the next few days.

“You didn’t tell me?” He shook his head and she shrugged. “Must be the way you carry yourself then.”

“I also didn’t tell you that Miss Cassandra goes by Cass but when you asked me to contact them that’s what you called her.” Marinette rubbed the sleep from her eyes as she considered that.

“I suppose I made the logical leap. I mean what else would she go by? That or I was just too tired to get the full name out.” Alfred just gave a thoughtful hum but she could tell he thought it was more than that. And maybe it was. Things like this had happened before but she’d never paid much attention to them. It simply made sense to her and she really didn’t understand why it didn’t to everyone else.

“I would like to know a bit more about these Miraculous before I agree to using one.” Oh right. She hadn’t been able to explain had she?

“Tikki will probably be able to explain it better at the moment. I tend to over simplify and forget important things when I’m tired.” Her parents were fighting back grins and Alfred just looked confused.

“Who’s Tikki?” She metally facepalmed but before she could apologize the Kwami in question flew out to introduce themselves.

“I’m Tikki, Kwami of Creation. I give Marinette her powers as Ladybug. It’s very nice to meet you.” The poor man just blinked at them, obviously unsure how to proceed. Tikki was studying him and gave an approving hum. “You’re right Mari, he and Wayzz will suit each other and it will help Chat make the Guardian connection you want as well.”

“So I assume each Miraculous is powered by a Kwami?” Tikki just beamed at him. They liked talking to people who could grasp things quickly.

“Yes. Each grants the powers of their aspect. Mari is planning on having you use the Turtle Miraculous which houses Wayzz, Kwami of Protection. His most notable power is the ability to create shields.” Alfred seemed to be debating his next question. She wasn’t certain if he was trying to decide what was more important, or trying to find a way to word it so it didn’t sound offensive.

“Exactly how much control do your users have?” He sounded cautious and she could understand why if that was something he was worried about.

“The Kwami have to obey their holders. When transformed you’re in complete control. Depending on how attuned a person is with the Miraculous your Kwami may be able to subconsciously communicate with you but they can’t control you. Tikki and I are a perfect match so they can actually talk to me while I’m transformed.” That had come in handy too many times to count, but it also meant Marinette got to hear the Kwami giggle anytime a particularly random Lucky Charm showed up. They absolutely refused to help with those.

“So they’re basically slaves.” Alfred’s tone was oddly flat and Marinette could only sigh.

“In a way yes, which is why Hawkmoth even exists. It’s not ideal, but the Kwami themselves don’t mind for the most part and any time I’ve suggested destroying the Miraculous or coming up with a way to give them more autonomy they all act horrified.” Tikki just gave her a stern look.

“Because we agreed to this existence for a reason. Balance must be maintained and this is the best way to do that overall.” This was one of those agree to disagree problems. She would defer to Tikki’s judgement though, given that they were a god older than the universe as they knew it.

“I would still like a more detailed explanation, but given the current time restraint I believe it will have to wait. If you feel you need me there I will go.” Marinette gave him a tired smile.

“Thank you. If everything goes to plan you won’t even have to do anything except make sure Chat sees you after Chloe stuns him. He should jump to all the wrong conclusions on his own.” He frowned at her.

“And if things don’t go to plan?” She tilted her head in thought. It wasn’t a question she was used to simply because her team had learned to just deal with problems.

“Then we improvise. My luck works better without detailed planning so I try not to overthink things in advance.” Now he was just looking at her like she’d lost her mind. This was going to be interesting.

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[missanthropicprinciple]

A Tale of Elio and My Fixation with Lovable Androids

TL;DR Feel free to scroll past this unless you’re keen to read my ramblings about androids, Neoclassical art, children’s lit, and bad science fiction movies. 

Since the late 1990s one of my favourite books has been A Tale of Time City (1989) by Diana Wynne Jones. It’s a mildly confusing story but engaging, with memorable characters, including the android Elio, pictured above - my own fan art from a few years ago. Studio Ghibli really needs to make this film if no one does a live-action version, seeing as they brought Jones’ novel Howl’s Moving Castle to life. Here’s a scan of my favourite edition with mesmerizing cover art by Richard Bober.

This book inspired me so much I’ve done research on it. I wasn’t in a class in grad school that allowed me to write about it so I took it on as a casual independent project in 2019. Two days after my dad died of cancer I was scheduled to present my paper on Elio from ATOTC. Needless to say I was not able to finish writing the essay. I told the department coordinator I would likely not attend but I would let him know. He was seriously surprised that I showed up. I must have looked like a ghost - wearing a nice top, skirt, tights, and short heels. I was still in total shock but I thought I might as well press on. My paper’s working tile remains as it was: Elio: Android Autonomy and the Personification of the Sun God. I presented a long bullet point list of working ideas and research done up until that point. My work is still on the broad side because it’s an intersection of young adult fiction, Neoclassic art, and android autonomy; I have some narrowing to do. Here are my main arguments thus far: 

Firstly, the android character Elio’s physical characteristics and personality are inspired by Helios, the Hellenistic Greek god and personification of the sun. Apparently, Elio is a Spanish name meaning sun and also an Italian given name referring to the element helium, originally derived from the Greek name of the sun-god Helios. 

Secondly, Elio and Helios share more than an etymological connection and the comparison of Elio to Helios can be articulated in two distinct ways: the aesthetic comparison, and that Elio possesses some of the qualities Helios is known for. Jones’ work repeatedly associates Elio with sunlight and golden hues, aspects which are exemplified in the 1765 Neoclassical painting Helios as the Personification of Midday by Anton Raphael Mengs. (I vaguely remember translating a couple passages from a large art book written in German when I was studying Neoclassical art.) 

This work is considered an unusual depiction of Helios. Mengs uses a motif of the glowing arrow which is interpreted by François-Xavier Fabre as a symbol of the midday heat and the sun's rays which penetrate and give light to the earth. The representation of the sun in this way is considered unusual for the 18th century because it goes against Classical and Baroque iconography which portrays Helios riding a chariot. Ironically, Jones references this. Elio proclaims his fondness for films, particularly the chariot race from Ben Hur. Elio, like Mengs’ depiction of Helios, lacks a chariot but retains his beauty and powers.

As for Elio possessing some of the qualities of Helios, the god is often referred to as “all seeing” or “Zeus’s eye.” Similarly, Elio has the ability to anticipate problems and see what humans do not, but not because he’s a god, but because he’s a servant. However, this is where his self governing comes into play when he uses his observations to take action beyond any directives he has been given. His physical strength, like Helios, exceeds that of humans. Elio himself says, “my utmost is more than twice that of a born-human” (Jones, 211).

Thirdly, Elio’s self awareness allows him to use both his powers of observation and superior physical strength independent from humans. He does not always wait to be told how to use his power; he wields it. Not only does he play a part equal to that of humans in Jones’ plot, he specifically controls the fates of certain human characters. For example, he doesn’t always utilize his speed when he’s at the beck and call of his master, Sempitern. He makes choices not to fully comply with the demands made of him.

My fourth point, which I can’t quite articulate well, is that the most significant dynamic of this comparison is the body of Elio and how his physicality interacts with his autonomy. Elio acts as an individual who contributes to a wider mythology just as Helios does. Yet, while Elio is superior to humans in many ways, his quasi-humanity allows him to act in ways which align with Helios’ qualities.

For example, Elio makes personal choices and exhibits emotions not necessary for him, as an android, to function. He confesses a desire to harm another android out of annoyance where a passionate opinion would not be expected from an android. This human failing is indicative of the same autonomy which allows him to act as Helios does. Elio has been constructed as a superhuman body in terms of his abilities, however, the human qualities which contribute to his Helios-like powers undermine his intended purpose. 

Ultimately, Elio ascends the usefulness of his “owned” body by acting independently from the humans who utilize him. His human qualities make him vulnerable and therefore he loses some of his godlike powers. Elio, while only an assistant to his human owners, utilizes his own physical and mental powers to maintain his autonomy. Conversely, his god-like qualities make Elio more human rather than affirming his android identity.

This is a very complex subject and I don’t really know where I’m going with it and have possibly made some suppositional errors. TL;DR: What I do know is that Elio presents a paradox: being idealized for his abilities allows him to be autonomous while being autonomous disrupts the servitude of his body.

I am in the process of determining what lens I will use to analyze Elio’s experience and functionality of being an android. I’m thinking about using Alan Turning’s 1950 work Computing Machinery and Intelligence. I’m still navigating the literary theory aspect, or indeed philosophical aspect, of this area of study. 

This brings me to something I came across later that relates to Elio and ATOTC. 

SPOILERS AHEAD

The closest depiction of an android that I’ve seen to Elio other than Data is from a terrible and somewhat forgotten science fiction film from 1989. “Byron”, (played by pre-Jurassic Park-fame Bob Peck) the android in the painfully awful film Slipstream comes very close to Elio in terms of tone, attitude, and characterization. Despite the embarrassingly bad script and dialogue, Peck does a bang-up job, seemingly acting in a wonderful film running parallel to the absolute trash his co-stars were apparently “acting” in. Yes, I rewatched this film just to write this analysis. (The secondhand embarrassment is off the charts and I had it playing at a low volume most of the time Byron was not on the screen.)

When you first see Byron he’s acting out autonomy but you’re not aware he’s an android. The audience is told he’s an escaped fugitive, a murderer, and that’s all we know for over half the film. Yet there are several clues. When you first see him he’s running over rugged terrain in a suit which was kind of a big hint but nothing makes sense in this film so I just thought that it was a weird costume choice. Then he’s literally shot with a grappling hook. He doesn’t seem to be in pain even though he’s shocked by it, and then is pulled down by a bounty hunter named Tasker (Mark Hamill) and hits the ground from a great height and doesn’t die. He just quotes what I think is John Gillespie Magee, Jr.’s "High Flight”: “I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth….and touched the face of God.” Next time you see him, he’s in handcuffs, looking super depressed, and apparently not bleeding out from the now absent grapple hook that’s gone through his forearm. 

He eventually quotes Lord Byron to cryptically indicate his name which is lost on Bill Paxton’s character, Matt. “Byron” essentially means cowshed. It’s ironic because Byron the android is in many ways a receptacle of knowledge. Matt even says sarcastically, “Well aren’t you a walking storeroom of information,” and Byron responds cheerfully, “Yes.” 

Byron breaks out of his handcuffs saying they’d “become rather superfluous.” You think he’s just showing off but once you know he’s an android you know he’s just honest all the time. He then heals a blind child and paraphrases Psalm 127:3. Matt says, “I didn’t know you were a healer.” Apparently Byron can perform cataract surgery in less than five minutes. Along their journey together (Bill is set on collecting the bounty on Byron’s head before Tasker can catch up) they camp out. Byron sleeps with his eyes open. (Even if he is an android wouldn’t his eyes need to be “cleaned” in the same way humans need to close our eyes and blink?) Matt wakes up to find Byron seemingly strangling him. “I was feeling your carotid pulse,” he explains. “I was just checking for arrhythmia and episodes of ventricular tachycardia.” At this point you realize he’s not so much a spiritual healer as a doctor who philosophizes a lot. 

Byron’s miraculous behavior and pontificating is called into question by a nomadic spiritual community which has been torn apart by an attack on their village. As he lays dying, Ben Kingsley’s character calls Byron a “false prophet” but his faith in this stranger is somewhat restored when he says, “all that will be left of me is bits of gold in the sand. You have a soul, do not abandon it in death.” 

Another character says, “The stranger is no mortal man.” Therefore it is clear that Byron likely isn’t human. We don’t find out he’s an android until 46 minutes into the film. Once that’s cleared up, other concepts arise in the script. While not well executed, they are really interesting; emotion both positive and negative, free will, perfection, A.I. slavery, and murder are all addressed throughout the second half of the film. Byron says he doesn’t understand “hate” in context of his “master” to whom he was nurse, brother, father, mentor, and friend, but he admits he was more of a slave than anything else. 

The character Ariel takes an interest in him for a variety of reasons, especially romantically. In one very evocative moment we see Byron in a museum exhibit, a false garden of Eden, full of fake vegetation and taxidermies, full body mounts. So we’ve got an android having an Adam experience. Whether or not he experiences “original sin” with Ariel or if he’s “fully functional” is never acknowledged. Although one woman says, “Amanda slept with a robot?!” (who the f**k is Amanda?!) and a man says to another sitting next to him, “I hear they’re rather mechanical in the saddle.” 

Byron is less concerned with consummation and more excited about love, sleep, and dreaming. When he is with Ariel he doesn’t quite know how to act in terms of sexual play and then apologizes: “I’m not accustomed to being loved.” We see him closing his eyes when he’s cuddled up with Ariel; the next day he is certainly very pleased that he fell asleep with his eyes closed and had a dream. 

In terms of his servitude and autonomy they did not spend an adequate portion of the exposition on it. Matt has a change of heart and says instead of collecting the bounty, he’ll set him free as it’s briefly revealed that Byron killed his “master” upon the man’s request. Naturally, this brings up a lot of confusing feelings for Byron. “Is this what it’s like to be human? I don’t think I’m up to it,” he says. “Can I be trusted with human feelings?” And in a way he cannot. Ariel is brutally shot by Tasker.

Byron is angered over Ariel’s death and follows the bounty hunter to his ship. Instead of taking him in to collect a reward, Tasker tries to run him down with the glider plane. Byron manages to get himself caught in the engine and starts to strangle his assailant. Tasker quotes “touched the face of god” which brings Byron to his senses and he stops killing Luke Skywalker Tasker and tries to save the plane. It looks like he’s going to hot-wire it but then uses the wires like reins (chariot imagery???). They crash into the side of a mountain slope. Tasker dies but Byron survives. Apparently he’s basically indestructible and somewhat godlike. “I’m too dangerous to be human,” Byron tells Matt. In the end, he goes off in search of the place he’d been dreaming about. 

Although in terms of physical appearance the two androids are vastly different, they have so much in common. Here are some basic concepts. 

Character: Both are stoic, formal, intelligent, honest

Indestructible: Byron is injured with a grappling hook, takes a major fall of about 20 or 30 feet without a scratch: he is somewhat godlike or slave-like, meant to withstand destruction and pain. Elio is less indestructible but easily repaired.

Healer: Byron has the skills to heal people with basic surgery. Elio doesn’t take his own injuries seriously and experiences pain for the first time (Jones, 218-9).

Both think they deserve to be punished: Elio states this quite clearly (Jones, 276) and Byron says the same thing about himself with resigned passivity.

Complex relationship with “human emotions”: Both come to terms with violence, anger, and love.

Autonomy: At the end of the film Byron goes off on his own to look for a promised land. Elio decides his own fate by deciding to accompany the children of the story, stating that Vivian is a “particular favorite” of his (278). 

Dreaming and stories: Byron is searching for a place, “where I think I belong,” he says, which is a place he often thinks and dreams about. Dreaming is considered to be a human attribute, a non-essential bi-product to consciousness. Elio enjoys stories and old films (Jones, 180), similarly “human” in nature. 

(Peck, seen here waiting for Bill Paxton to learn how to act. Sorry, I’m salty.)

Disclaimer: This is a work in progress! This project is an intersection of niche subjects that interest no one but myself. 

Anyway, my point is (yes, I did have a point...or rather several) was that if anyone should adapt A Tale of Time City, Byron from Slipstream is the best example of how Elio should be portrayed in terms of characterization. I feel that Slipstream should have been centered around Byron. The film was kind of like, just about the “we’re both fighting over the bounty of this fugitive” sorta thing. It would have made more sense to focus on Byron as he is arguably the most interesting character and represents many of the conflicts within the story. I would like to combine my research on ATOTC and Slipstream one day. In any case, this is a good start. 

Works Cited (WIP) 

Jones, Diana W. A Tale of Time City: Knopf, 1987. Print. Perkowitz, Sidney. Digital People: From Bionic Humans to Androids. Washington, D.C: Joseph Henry Press, 2004. Print.

Roettgen, Steffi, and Anton R. Mengs. Anton Raphael Mengs: 1728-1779 Part 2. München: Hirmer, 1999. Print.

Turing, A. M. “Computing Machinery and Intelligence.” Mind, vol. 59, no. 236, 1950, pp. 433–460. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/2251299. Wilson, Eric. The Melancholy Android: On the Psychology of Sacred Machines. Albany: State University of New York Press, 2006. Print

[angelanimedesaray]

Through the Looking Glass Chapter 11:  Winter Snow

AN:  Yaaassss This is one of those chapters that has been in my head since I started writing the series.  Finallyyyyyyyy we’re here.

Also consider this the point that they’re not kids anymore.  They’ll be full blown adults next chapter.  Still teenagers here, but they won’t be in the next chapter.

Characters:  Levi, Reader, Mentions of Varioud BG Characters

Pairing:  (Eventual) Levi x Reader

Warnings:  Language, Mentions of Bullying, Depression, Bit of a Breakdown, Angst

Word Count:  12296.....Holy Shnikies, is that a new record for me with Tumblr fics? I think it is... O.o

<----Previous Chapter    Masterlist    Next Chapter---->

Gif Found HERE

*Levi’s POV*

When she had shown him the little booklet of information about college, he hadn’t at the time realized just how big of a part that was going to play in her life--not so soon, at least.

It was nothing that happened right away, and not something that he noticed as soon as it started to happen.  For a while, everything continued as it always had.  He would show up in her world and be granted a brief reprieve from his life, with her pulling him deeper and deeper into the wonders her world had to offer, showing and teaching him new things.  When she turned fifteen and was able to drive a car--he finally had a name for those damn horseless carriages--she took the time to try and teach him how to drive those death machines as well.  It was rocky at first, with her focusing on how this button and this position and this pedal did such and such, starting with simply getting the car going and moving it back and forth, teaching him about basic signs, driving on certain terrains and in certain weather…

It ended up being an entire process, and it took more than a few days where they saw each other to teach him how to safely drive a car--and even then, she only taught him to use an automatic.  Apparently there was another kind of car that operated differently, but she said he shouldn't worry about learning to drive the other one unless she ended up getting one of those different cars.

It had been much easier learning the emergency phone number in her world, the number to call if there was ever trouble and they needed help.  Three numbers and press the green phone button, it didn't get much easier than that.

Of course, he also kept learning other things.  He liked to peruse the books in her house, particularly the ones about the history of her world, or the nature and what it looked like beyond what he saw with her.  Sometimes that was what he did while he waited for her to finish her schoolwork.  Other times, he practiced what she'd been showing him on the piano.  He wasn't as good at it as she was, but he also didn't have a piano to practice on in his world--not unless he drew all the keys in the dirt and pretended he heard the sounds of the keys while he practiced the patterns and positions.

Even though he'd practice by himself while he waited for her to finish the homework beyond his understanding, he preferred when she would help him practice.  He liked having her sit so close beside him, hands over or under his to show him the keys…

She also liked to take him places.  Especially after she got that car.  If they had the time and it wasn't too late in the day, she would drive them to another town to see a new park.  Once she'd gone bowling--and they'd both sucked until he finally got the hang of it.  She taught him pool after getting grumpy over Levi getting the hang of bowling and pulling ahead of her in three or four games.  Pool she'd been fairly good at, as had Levi once he got used to using the pool stick instead of a knife--he had wicked aim and accuracy, which helped him significantly in that game.

She liked to bring him places to try foods from different cultures with her, or to walk through bookstores and help her choose new fantasy or sci-fi or supernatural stories to read.  She’d even buy him any books that caught his eye so that he could read them when he visited, though he usually checked with her that they were non-fiction, first, so he could still learn something about the world she came from in the process.

While all this autonomy started to appear, and they were able to do and see more things, she was also...changing.

She was always so eager to get out of the house when she saw him, looking relieved and happy for an excuse.  When she thought he wasn't looking, she seemed tired.  There were circles under her eyes, a slight slump to her shoulders, and the few times Levi drove the car instead of her, if he glanced over at her he could catch her with her eyes closed, like she was trying to rest a little in the brief silence between them.  A few times, she'd fallen asleep on him, though Levi never said anything about it, even when she woke up embarrassed.  The most she would get would be a soft 'Tch' before he went back to whatever he'd been doing to entertain himself while she rested.  Considering how eagerly she always threw herself into their time together, she had to be exhausted if she was falling asleep during it.

And he didn't mind it at all when she fell asleep on him.  For those few minutes, it felt like he got to be the one to take care of her for once, something he didn't get to do nearly as much as he would like to.  She took care of him so much and in so many ways, he doubted he'd ever be able to catch up and return the favor to its fullest extent.  Plus, he soon found out why she always seemed so exhausted.  It turned out she was stressed and spread thin.

It was something he had to piece together slowly from things she said or papers he found.  She was always so focused on making the most out of his visits, that she never said a word about how tired she was, or the things that were stressing her out.  She wanted him to take his mind off his life, to not worry, so she tried not to mention anything that would make him worry about her.

But he paid attention when she talked to him.  She was going to school five days of the week, yes, but she was also working two jobs, as well as some babysitting on the side when the opportunity presented itself.  Her mother had apparently remarried, and was expecting another child soon, so she was trying to help more around the house with things her mother couldn't do due to her pregnancy.  She was putting in all the work required to stay at the top of her class, namely the very top, which would be called a valedictorian.  She was also keeping up with her interests, helping her mother with an out of home bakery business, keeping up with her piano practice, and she did something called skating that she felt gave her some exercise but also relaxed her.  She was also in one or two school activities that took her time, and once they reached a certain age, college came back into play, and she started applying to be let in and to be awarded money to go while keeping up with everything else.  He didn't know how she managed to find the energy to drag him all over creation and keep him discovering new things.

Every now and then she let slip that she wanted to leave the town she felt trapped in, and the people in it, and he could see the desperation in her eyes to do just that.  The stressors he could understand her wanting to leave, but the people...it took a few more hints for him to figure that part out.

Less of a hint.  He had to get her at the right moment, when she finally opened up to him about the part that worried her the most.

He'd appeared in one of his favorite ways--quietly, when he'd simply been walking down the street--and had suddenly been the private audience to the soft piano music being played in the darkened living room.

The happiness he felt to be here again, and to be hearing her music as well, was muffled when he noted the overall tone in the room.

The music was sad, melancholy, depressing, and there wasn't any light in the room to illuminate her or the piano, the curtains on the windows pulled closed, the lights kept off. He approached from behind quietly, a small frown on his face as he came up to inquire what was wrong.

Along the way, his foot crunched a paper, the sound unheard by Y/N because she was focused on the piano and what she was playing, not the rest of the room.  He picked it up to look at it closer, realizing it was part of a stack of papers that looked like those applications she'd been filling out so many of recently.

It wasn't one of the applications, but rather a note--a letter--attached to the top and addressed to her parents.  It was from one of her teachers, and it went on to talk about how the school she wanted to go to had a very low acceptance rate, was very far away and wouldn't have certain financial aid available for her, and how it was a very expensive school.  How she 'shouldn't plan on going to the one school alone, because it was unlikely for her to get in, and even less likely for her to pay for it' and needed to apply for more scholarships and to other schools, yet she refused to apply to more than two schools, and refused to apply for some of the scholarships.

Probably not the only thing bothering her that had her playing in the dark, but it was a good hint.

After putting the paper back into the stack, he stepped a little closer, finally making his presence known by commenting on the mood in the air she'd created.

"So doom and gloom--I'm supposed to be the depressing one," Levi quipped in a flat tone and she whipped around in surprise, banging her knee on the piano in the process and turning back around to clutch at her knee and hiss.

The pain, however, was an excuse to try and hide what he'd already seen.  Tears, freshly falling down her cheeks, and not from hitting her knees.

Levi’s usual closed off demeanor shifted, and he quickly came over to sit beside her on the bench.  She turned her head away from him to hide the tears as she tried to--unsuccessfully--wipe them away without him noticing.

The problem was that as soon as he was sitting beside her, he realized he didn't know what to say--either to get her to talk about it or to comfort her.  He simply sat there awkwardly in silence with her facing off to the side and him facing the piano, both of them unable to talk for some reason.

Hesitantly, unsure if it was the right move but knowing at least it would be something, Levi let his fingers find their way to the right place on the piano, and started to play one of the newer and more difficult pieces she’d taught him recently.  It was melancholy--most of the ones she taught him had a bittersweet edge to it, or at least a part of the song that felt that way--but it felt fitting for the moment, and he thought perhaps the song would prompt her to do something in return.  Maybe she’d play with him.  Maybe she’d start to talk.  That was up to her.

Levi quietly played out the song, focused on hitting the right chords, making sure his arm brushed against hers every now and then in the process when he reached for keys closer to where she was sitting as a way of having some contact with her.  She was silent at first, just listening to him play the song before, about halfway through, she finally reached out with one of her hands to play half the song.  Levi felt a little relief to be getting a response from her, and he let his hand slide over hers as she played half the song for him, feeling her fingers moving below his, able to feel the slight shake in them even though she seemed to be playing the notes steadily.

They continued like that for a while, before Levi started to worry that she might try to use the piano as a distraction rather than an opening to start talking.  As they neared the end of the song, he finally spoke up, cutting right to the heart of the matter.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, fingers still moving over the keys.  She shook her head, keeping her face turned away from him so he couldn’t see her expression.

“It’s nothing.”

“Bullshit.”

“It really is.  It’s stupid, and it doesn’t matter in the long run, anyway.”

“If that was true, you wouldn’t have been crying.”

She sighed, hitting one of the notes with more force than necessary and letting her hand drop away from the piano just short of the end of the song.  Levi stopped playing as well, sitting quietly on the bench and gazing patiently at her back as he waited for her to start speaking.

“It’s just...everything going on, you know?  I mean, I took it all on myself, I really shouldn’t complain, and I wouldn’t, but it gets so much...harder when...Gah...I hate people…”

Her voice shook, and she sniffled rather loudly, rubbing her left eye with her palm.  Suddenly, Levi realized that besides the one time he’d helped her find her home when she’d run away...he didn’t think he’d seen her cry so openly around him.  He reached out to gently touch her shoulder, and a shudder seemed to go through her at the contact, and she turned on the piano bench so that she could face him, burying her face in his chest as a small, hiccupped sob escaping her as she curled up against him.  He was taken aback for a moment, but after feeling his heart ache and feeling how she was clutching at the fabric of his shirt, he gently draped an arm around her shoulders, letting his other hand gently touch her shoulder in a loose hug.

“Are people picking on you again?” Levi asked, digging for information to try and figure out what was wrong so he could figure out how to properly help her.  She gave a bitter laugh at his question, a sound that seemed strange coming from her.

“I think I’d prefer getting beaten up like back then to this bullshit,” she said bitterly, and Levi’s eyebrows raised.  He was pretty sure that was the first time he’d heard her swear, too.  “No, I...I’ve always kinda been an outcast, at school...which I guess I got used to it...somewhat...but it’s gotten really hard this year.  I’ve been working my ass of, and...and it just gets that much harder when you’re constantly hearing people call you lazy, and then you come home to hear the exact same thing as if you’re not spending every hour trying so hard...and then every time you accomplish something, everyone’s back there talking about how it's not going to matter anyway.”

She adopted a voice clearly meant to mimic everyone else, a bitter and cutting edge to her tone even with how her voice was muffled in his chest.  “Like you’re actually going to get accepted by any colleges or scholarships, you never get anything in on time, you’re always being told to get things in or they’ll be late, always turning it in last minute, you’re so lazy you never get anything done or doing what you’re supposed to be doing, like you’ll have enough scholarships or meet the deadlines for the places you want to go.  Oh, you got accepted by that college?  Well it’s not like you’ll ever be able to actually pay for it.  Oh, well if you do go to this college you want, you’ll just crash and burn anyway--you’re so straight laced I bet you’re that kid that goes crazy with freedom in college and drops out.  You’ve never had a boyfriend or had that many friends, you’re totally going to be that crazy cat lady with forty cats and no friends.  You can’t afford to go out for an hour, you have to stay home and get all these applications done, plus your homework, and don’t forget stuff for bible study every morning, and your practices, and yearbook, and everything else under the damn sun you’re not allowed to mess up in cause you have to be the perfect child that’s the first to go to college, you have to get the perfect cushy, high paying job, perfect grades, perfect activities, don’t get snippy with me if you’re feeling stressed it’s all your fault because you’re being lazy and not doing the work like you’re supposed to, you keep screwing around.  You’re tired?  Same thing applies--you don’t know tired, you’re just lazy and you can’t manage your time.  If you’re feeling so stretched thin, then you should just drop something.  But not this, or that, I don’t care if you don’t think this helps, don’t drop it either.  Oh, you’re not actually allowed to drop anything, just make it all work.”

Her grip tightened on him as she spoke, and he wasn’t sure if the trembling in her body was from sobs or rage with how bitter her voice seemed to sound despite the wobble from tears or the occasional hiccup of a sob.  He didn’t interrupt with any of his thoughts, he simply let her rant and rave to him, let her vent, because clearly she needed to.

“I know it shouldn’t matter.  I shouldn’t care about what they have to say.  It's the same people who make sure anything I like is uncool schoolwide as soon as they know I like it, who thought it would be so...fucking funny to make me go to homecoming with the kid who treated me like a disease and wouldn’t even touch my arm the whole time, the same kid who told me to go kill myself in class and people just fucking laughed and the teacher didn’t even blink even though she was sitting right there.  I shouldn’t give a damn about what they have to say, but after so long of hearing it, no matter how thick of a skin I think I’ve built up it still...it still gets to me, and I’m just...I’m just so tired…”

She sagged against him, like some of the fight left her after she finished speaking, curling up in his arms like a baby rabbit seeking shelter, like there was a fox right outside the burrow waiting to devour it and it knew it couldn’t run from it.  Levi had stiffened at the mention of the kid who’d told her to kill herself, his expression darkening as he got a better perspective of what her life was like at school, something he now realized he’d never heard about the social side of, only ever her schoolwork and the subjects she studied.  Never the people.

Now he knew why.  He just wished she would have said something sooner.  Did she really think that just because she wasn’t getting beat up that it wasn’t still a real problem?  If it was getting this bad…

She stayed slumped in his arms for several long moments, Levi gently rubbing her back to try and soothe her as he waited for her to regain her composure, feeling like she still had more to say and not wanting to interrupt her while he quietly absorbed information.  Then, abruptly, she sucked in a long breath and pulled away, arm rubbing angrily at her eyes with a fierce frown on her face.

“It’s still nothing, though,” she said as she got to her feet to start an aggravated pace, and Levi was just about to argue that yes, it was, after that long rant that had driven her to cursing and tears, but she was still talking, and she had a determined venom in her voice as she spoke.  “It’s nothing, because I’m not going to let it turn into something.  I don’t care if its spite driving me right now, but I swear I’m going to prove every last one of them wrong and--and--and break out of the fucking cage everyone keeps trying to put me in.  Even my mom.  I love her, but she’s just as bad, always demanding I be so fucking perfect and do what she wants instead of what I want.  But even she’s trying to pin me down, she keeps pushing for me to go to these colleges nearby, or to stay in the area, or to settle for something else even though what I want to do...yeah, its difficult, it's a high bar, and it’s going to take me really far away, but it’s my life, it’s my choice.  And I’m going to prove every last fucking one of them wrong and get the hell out of here and make something of myself.”

She finished with a huff, having worked herself up in her rant, turning to look at him with slightly flushed cheeks, looking expectantly at him for some kind of reply now that she was finished and he’d been silent for so long.  It wasn’t like he had the words to say, though--he wasn’t good at words, and she’d just dumped a lot of information on him.

“All those bad words.  I think I’m a shitty influence on you.”

She was taken aback for a moment, staring at him for a second before she snorted in surprise, the tension slowly draining from her shoulders and the faintest smile coming across her face.  She approached the bench once more, sitting beside him with the blush coloring her cheeks and her hands locked tightly together.

“You’re the only real friend I’ve had, no matter where I’ve gone.  You’ve always been here for me.  I don’t think I tell you enough that I’m really thankful to have you.  I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t.”

Her words were softly spoken, and she stayed close to him the entire time, even if her embarrassment didn’t allow her to look him in the eyes.  And to hear her say it aloud to him...it settled doubts he might have had that he wouldn’t have voiced otherwise, helped put some of the restlessness inside him at ease.

Levi looked at the piano in front of him, grasping the handles for the key lid and lowering it over the piano keys.  “You’ll make it,” he said with affirmed certainty.  “You’re tougher than you think.  You’ve made it this far, haven’t you?  What’s a little further?”

He looked over at her to catch her smiling warmly at him, a twinkle in her eyes, and he felt his heart soften in the face of that expression.  Once the key lid was in place, he gently touched her shoulder to give her a playful shove like she tended to do for him.

“You need a break.  I’m here.  What should we do?”

She heaved a sigh, looking away for a moment and chewing on her lip as she considered what was possibly an endless list of possibilities.  “It’s gonna start getting colder soon...so it should be something we won’t be able to do once winter settles in...I think it’ll be clear skies tonight…”  She turned to face him, that sparkle in her eyes again and a smile on her face.  “I know what we’re going to do.  Come on, we’ve got a bit of a drive to make first,” she said excitedly, getting up off the bench and heading to the front door, where she picked up what Levi knew to be her car keys.

Levi got up to follow her, wondering to himself where they were going now, and how far of a drive it would be.  What in-town activity would they be carrying out today?

They got into her car, Levi looking up to see the night sky as he opened the passenger side door and got inside, Y/N already starting up the car before he even shut the door and driving the car out of town and into open country.  They drove in silence for several minutes, Levi sneaking peaks at Y/N the entire time, mulling over the stress she was under and her confession in the other room.

He would have beat the shit out of a few people by now if he was there, but he never showed up when she was in school, always after.  He was never around when she needed him around, which meant that it was something she had to deal with on her own.

It was like he’d said, though.  She was stronger than she thought.  He’d seen the determination and the fire in her eyes before.  She would make it through.  And she would reach her goals.  Even if she had to get herself through on spite right now.

He still wanted to get his hands on that one individual in particular…but she hadn’t even given him a name.

Y/N suddenly took a turn onto a dirt road that went so far into a wheat field, turning off her lights--which immediately caught Levi’s attention--before she brought the car to a stop and shut all the lights off, reaching into the back to grab a blanket before she opened the door.

“We’re actually not supposed to be here--it’s private property--but we should be fine so long as we’re gone before dawn,” she said with a spark of rebellion in her eyes.

Good.  It sounded like she needed to break some rules and get outside some of the restrictions around her for a while.

Getting out of the car, Levi spoke up in a low voice, looking around at the field around him and noting that the hay didn’t reach high enough to cover the car.  There was a corn field behind them that would have been high enough to cover the car, but for some reason they’d parked here.  “What are we doing out here?”

Y/N got on the hood of her car carefully, scooting back until she could lean back to lie on the windshield with her legs stretched out in front of her.  She gestured for him to come up onto the hood instead of responding, waiting until he’d crawled up with a sigh before she threw the blanket over both of them.

As soon as he leaned back, he understood why they were here.  Leaning back on the hood of her car, he had a clear, unobstructed view of the night sky.  Where the corn would have reached high enough it could have obstructed the view somewhat, the wheat was low enough it didn’t creep into his line of sight for the sky.  It was just pure...open sky.  And out here, where there were no lights from town, just nature, the stars shone brilliantly in stunning detail, the only light that could have ‘affected’ the view being the moonlight itself.  But it was still a dazzling display above him, and all around there was the soft rustle of wind through the wheat fields, crickets, the occasional howl from coyotes in the distance--just nature, fresh air, the sky laid out endlessly in front of them…

Y/N shifted onto her side, curling up next to him with a comfortable sigh.  “I know you live underground so...I figured it’s about time we went stargazing.  I’m surprised we haven’t yet.”

Levi turned his head enough to look at her, noting that she was looking at him far more than the stars, probably gauging his reaction.  For her, this was something she saw quite frequently, so maybe his reaction to it was more interesting to her.  Still, knowing she’d chosen this because she knew about where he lived, how it wasn’t an everyday sight for him, how this was a sight that was denied to him…

Much like earlier, he put his arm around her instead of choosing to respond with words, pulling her a little closer to him as a way to show her his gratitude, that this did, in fact, mean something to him, and he appreciated her gesture.  She seemed to understand, that blush returning to her cheeks as she buried her face in his chest and pulled the blanket tighter around them as if that could hide her reaction and make it seem like she was just getting warm.

Knowing she drove them out here so they could see the stars, that her idea of an escape was to show him something that he rarely got to have and to sit in silence with him for however long they wanted to…

He cared about her.  Deeply.  That had never been in question.  From the moment she’d built that safe place for him--an image called to mind as he looked up at the stars unobstructed much like he had once looked up at them from the nest she’d created for him through the window of the tiny wooden playhouse--he had a soft spot in his heart for her.  And over the years, she just burrowed deeper and deeper, that flickering flame growing stronger, the warmth getting more intense.  She made him happy--made him feel like he belonged, even if he flickered in and out of the world.  Even though he didn’t get to stay, he was still so grateful to have a chance to be part of her life, to know her, to spend time with her.  She was a safe place for him, a place where he didn’t have to keep his guard up, where he could relax and just...be.  All these things he felt for her, and one thing that had held him back recently had been a concern that she might not feel the same way.

Now, lying side by side and looking up at the stars, knowing she’d done it for him and that this moment between them was what she considered an escape from her problems, that he might be as much of her escape as she was his...it gave him the sense that maybe, just maybe, she might care for him, too.

He didn’t say anything, though, not yet.  Right now, he just wanted to enjoy this as long as it lasted, with her in his arms lying next to him--eventually falling asleep, which he didn’t disrupt considering he now knew how much she needed it--gazing up at the stars in relative silence.

Sometime after she fell asleep, Levi looked down at her, the arm that had been wrapped around her all this time moving just slightly so his hand could reach into her hair, giving it a few soft, gentle strokes.

“Stay with me...I don’t want this to end…” he murmured softly for only him to hear, the stars and moon his only witness as he breathed her in for a moment before lying back down to gaze up at the sky, for once grateful to his insomnia to allow him to stay awake and simply bask in the simplistic beauty of the moment.

*Reader’s POV*

At long last, Levi finally blipped into your world during winter, when there was snow on the ground.  You had been waiting years to be able to show him snow for the first time, to get to see his first experience with snow, share it with him…

As soon as you saw him appear in your room, you immediately dropped the pen you were using to write neatly on your scholarship applications and leapt to your feet, grinning widely at him and not even giving him a chance to orient himself in your world before you had your arm hooked around his and you were leading him down the stairs to the front door, where you started throwing winter clothes at him.

"Oh my God you're actually here, your timing is perfect cause right now--well, just put it all on, I don't want to spoil the surprise!" You squealed excitedly, yanking on a hat, gloves, a coat, simply draping the scarf loosely over your neck without wrapping it.  You tried to jump in and help Levi get dressed as well so he would move faster, but that only made him grumpy.

"I've got it--I can dress myself, I don't need you to do it for me," he grumbled, shrugging on the flannel coat you'd grabbed for him.  It was actually one of your stepfather's many coats, and it utterly dwarfed Levi...considering your stepfather was in the six foot range in height, and Levi…

Well, at least he would be well covered and warm.

Once Levi was well bundled and looking at you with a mixture of impatience and expectancy, you happily flung open the door, about to bound outside before you reminded yourself it was slick outside and you needed to watch your step.  You checked yourself, stepping around the icy spots outside your door and hanging back to shut the door so Levi could just focus on the experience.

It was snowing outside.  Not only that, but it had been snowing for the past few days, and there was a white blanket over the world at least a foot deep, with icicles hanging from the roof edge and ice patches hidden under the snow making the pathways treacherous.

Levi paused on the porch once he could see what the outside world looked like, with you sliding discreetly behind him to shut the door before too much heat got out of the house, quietly creeping around to his other side to watch him as he walked with slightly widened eyes to the edge of the covered porch, looking at the icicles and reaching out to touch one gingerly, head peeking out from the cover of the porch to look up at the white flurries falling from the sky.  His breath fogged in front of him, making him pull back for a second before he looked over at you, watching him excitedly on the porch.

"Snow," he said simply, and you nodded at him exuberantly.  You reached out to take his hand, stepping out into the snow and noting how high up to his legs he sank into the snow as he followed behind.  You didn't keep a hold of his hand, only grasping it long enough to get him to follow before letting go and allowing him to comfortably walk beside you.

"There's so many things to do and see--its cold, and I honestly hate the cold, but staying warm shouldn't be too much of a problem," you said with a glint in your eyes.  You knew the perfect place for sledding, knew somewhere the snow was particularly thick that would serve well for snowmen and snow forts and snowball fights.  Maybe it was little kid stuff, but Levi needed the chance to cut loose and be a kid, especially since he never had the snow experience when he was actually a little kid.  You might have to spend a bit of money, but you were fine with that, too, your purse slung firmly over your shoulders.  You could get a good sled at a nearby store, you could afford some coffee to warm back up and restore some energy after some time outside, and, you had some money for your thoughts on a grand finale for the night.

You'd been scheming this day ever since realizing Levi hadn't seen snow yet, and you were praying he was going to be able to stay for all of it.

"Watch your step--there's ice hidden under the snow on the sidewalks because it's been so cold, so just...be mindful," you warned him, walking with arms out at your side and methodically placed footsteps for a few moments.  "I always hate walking in fresh snow--everything looks so clean and pure and pretty that I feel like I'm ruining a beautiful snapshot of nature.  Though, we kinda have to walk in it to get where we're going," you said with a guilty note in your voice.

"Couldn't we just take your car?" Levi asked, and you noticed his gaze was now roving over the unblemished patches of snow around you, how it really did seem like a thick and pure blanket fallen over the world.

"Well, this is the more fun, scenic route.  Plus it's kinda dangerous to drive in weather like this before they've cleared the roads, especially with the ice underneath.

You could see that his cheeks and his nose were already starting to turn red, and that he'd mimicked how you had your scarf on.  Not wanting him to catch a cold--especially because you knew proper medicine was more of a luxury where he lived--you reached over and wrapped the scarf around his face, causing him to pause and give you a blank stare.  You coughed, hoping your blush could be passed off as a result of the cold like him.

"Besides, I want to show you this place in the forest.  One of my favorite things about when it's cold and snowy like this is what it sometimes does to the plants," you said as if you hadn't just wrapped the scarf around his face, continuing forwards and trudging through the snow in the direction of the nearby park that had the forest trail.

"Why do I feel like you've got this whole thing planned out?"

"Because I do.  I've been waiting for you to show up on a snow day for what feels like forever.  I can think of six things I want to try and fit into this one day--six!" You shrugged, as if it was still the most casual thing in the world, attempting to adopt his usual indifferent attitude to tease him a bit.  "Course, three things we can do at the park alone, so, no big deal," you said with a sniff, flashing him a mischievous smile a heartbeat later.

"And those things are…?"

"Well, we're gonna look at something.  Then we're gonna build something.  And then we're gonna do something."

Levi snorted.  "So informative."

"What? I was more specific:  looking, building, doing," you said with a pout before you pointed up at the park just ahead of you.  "Besides, we're practically here."

The park itself wasn't the pristine picture the rest of the snowy fields seemed to be--there were remnants of snow sculptures and forts, a few shakily made snowmen, footprints all over the place and snow splattered along the side of equipment.  The two of you trudged past that, though, and into the forest that was far less disturbed.  No one wanted to be hiking in this weather, except you two crazy teenagers, apparently.

Levi’s fingers brushed against a bush, and looking back you could see that some of the branches and leaves were encapsulated in ice.

"Almost, but I'm looking for something specific," you said cryptically.  There was this one tree at a fork in the forest path that you knew would look gorgeous trapped in ice like that, so you were keeping hush hush about it, leading the two of you deeper into the woods like you were the villain in a child's fairytale.

The crunch of snow and the blowing of the wind was the only sound, the icy air cutting at your lungs and making your breathing a little heavier than normal as you trudged uphill, frustrated to hear that Levi didn't seem to be struggling behind you.  You didn't understand how, but he appeared to be unbothered by the physical strain, at least for now.

After several minutes of hiking where Levi admired the wintery scenery around the two of you and you navigating, you finally came to your tree.

It was a weeping willow, placed by human hands at the fork in the path for aesthetic scenery purposes.  But right now, with the ice covering every branch and leaf in perfect, unclouded clarity like it had been entrapped in glass, branches swaying just slightly in the breeze…

It looked gorgeous.

"My favorite thing about winter isn't all the activities--its how the ice freezes over the trees.  I think it's beautiful," you said pensively, your hand cupping beneath some of the willow strands and letting the iced over, draped branches slip through your fingers.  "It's like they're frozen in time…"

Levi stood a few feet back, hands in his pockets, breath puffing steadily in front of him as he looked up at the magnificent tree that was 'frozen in time,' his gaze returning to you in time to see you disappearing behind a thick curtain of the iced over branches and leaves.  While he couldn't see you, you crouched down and tried to make a snowball as fast as you could, catching a glimpse of him moving to join you under the tree, which caused you to giggle and take a step or two back, your hastily made snowball hidden behind your back.

As soon as he stepped into the shelter of the tree, you practically slapped the snowball into his neck with the close range you were at, acting before you could doubt yourself, shrieking maniacally as your dipped your hand into the snow for another one, heart pounding at what you'd just initiated.

"What the f--"

"SNOWBALL FIGHT!" you shrieked, tossing another one at him that splattered harmlessly against his side.  You attempted to flee, trying to scoop up more snow as you darted out from under the willow, whipping around to see Levi already had one in his hand.  You flung instinctively, the shot sailing harmlessly over his shoulder and causing you to shriek again as he tossed his at you in retaliation, the snowball hitting squarely in the center of your chest.

"You brat!"

"I got you, admit it!  Take tha--shit!"

"Like this is a fight you can win!"

"I missed again?  Wait, fuck, no, stop, I'm a terrible shot--ack!"

"You asked for it!"

"I've made a terrible mistake, have mercy--EEK!"

"HAH!"

"I surrender, uncle, uncle, I give, stop!"

The snowball fight had quickly turned into a snowball execution, Levi pelting you with snowballs with that ridiculous speed and wicked aim of his while your shots kept going wide and missing him while you tried in vain to run from him, ending with you laughing and shrieking, hunched over and taking a few more snowballs before Levi finally stopped.  You peeked your head up warily...and he crushed one last snowball atop your head, making you do a cold shiver dance as snow slipped down inside your shirt.

"There...I think that's a lesson learned," Levi was saying smugly, watching you do the cold dance with a smirk on his face.  He looked flushed though--you doubted from exertion, most likely from the cold.

"How about we do something less competitive--like make a snowman?  At least one?  And then we can go sledding.  We can take a break after that, I know a coffee shot that should still be open."

"As long as you don't make any more sad excuses at that snowball assault," Levi teased you, and you pouted, which only made him chuckle.

He was smiling and laughing, though.  And seeing snow for the first time.  This day was already a win for you. Now you just needed to try and get to the end of your list of what you wanted to try with him before he went back.  Who knew if the snow would still be here when he came back again?

The snowman building and the sledding didn't last as long as you might have thought they would.  The snowman you two made by the willow tree was more of a monument to the fact the two of you had been there, complete with you wrapping your scarf around the snowman's 'neck' as a finishing touch, since it wasn't doing much in the way of warming you up draped loosely around your neck like that.

The sledding had been fun at first, trying desperately to guide the inflatable inner tube you'd bought at the nearest store down a steep hill before trudging all the way back up got tiring fast for you.  The final straw, though, had come when you made a ramp from the snow, managed to hit it on your way down, and then promptly fell off the inner tube midair, causing you and Levi to go flying in different directions through the air with no soft landings.  You were dazed after that, and Levi declared it the end of the sledding part of the day, demanding you move on to the next thing.  Besides, it was getting dark, so you were running out of time to do what you wanted to.

Little did he know…

After your annihilation with the sled, you'd guided Levi towards a coffee shop while nursing an ache in your head and shoulders where you'd slammed your body against the ground, still a little dazed.  You were both flushed from the cold and tired at this point, so the burst of warm air was extremely refreshing.

Levi looked around the little shop with a critical eye while you stomped snow off at the entrance mat, rubbing your hands together for added warmth.  "You haven't had coffee before, have you?"

"Never heard of it."

You gasped dramatically.  "You don't have coffee where you're from?  Oh the humanity!"  He rolled his eyes at your antics, and you walked forward towards the counter.  "Well, it's a hot drink, kind of like hot chocolate or tea...but also much different.  Its good for waking up or staying warm, and it can be made in all sorts of different ways.  In fact, what kind of stuff do you usually drink?  Besides water?"

Levi shrugged.  "Tea."

"Any kind of tea in particular?  Herbal, black, white, green, fruit?  Do you add lemon, or sugar, or milk, or anything like that?"

Levi looked away, like something you'd said bothered him, though you couldn't pinpoint what.  "Plain.  I drink my tea plain.  I do prefer black tea, when I can get it."

"Okay, black tea...strong, bold, dark, maybe with a bit of a nutty taste or malty...I know espresso is a different beast, but you might want something with more espresso...maybe a nut flavoring to help balance out the bitter without getting too sweet...You're not big on sweet things, right?"

Levi shook his head.  "I don't get many sweet things where I live."

You nodded, chewing your lip.  "Okay, so...toffee nut might be too sweet, so...either a hazelnut latte with an extra shot of espresso, or a hazelnut americano."

"What's the difference?"

"One is made with milk, the other with hot water.  I mean, maybe if you were more used to coffee I'd say go with the americano, cause there's not many other flavors to block out the overpowering taste of the espresso, but the latte I feel like has more that balances it all out."

"I didn't realize picking a damn drink was such a project."

"Like you don't fuss over your tea with the leaves and water temperature and extra flavorings."

"...Tch."

"But also the americano might be closer to tea--"

"Just get me the damn latte and be done with it," he groaned, cutting you off before you could spiral further in these circles.

"Fine, fine, go find a table for us and I'll get the coffees," you said in a semi defensive voice that had the hint of a laugh at the end with how exasperated he sounded.  He wandered off towards the back to a two person table by the window, taking the seat with his back against the wall so he could see the whole room and you as you went to the counter, ordering his hazelnut latte and your own coffee, as well as two fresh rolls.  You waited patiently for your order, which didn't take too long because there weren't many people out and about right now in this weather--plus, this was officially dark enough the streetlights were turning on.

Taking the seat across from him, you placed the latte in front of him and reached into the little bag you brought with you, breaking apart the two rolls and holding one out to him.  “Here--I figured something to actually eat would be good, too,” you said cheerfully.

For some reason, Levi hesitated for a brief second, fingers hovering over the roll before starting to retract, eyes a little unfocused before he took the roll from you.  Strange, why that was a thing, but you brushed it off in favor of drinking from your cup of chosen coffee, cupping both hands around the cup to help you warm up.

“We can warm up in here for a while before heading back outside.  It’s only going to get colder as night settles in.”

“This is one of those six things you wanted to do, right?  Get coffee?” Levi asked, hands on the cup he had yet to drink from, allowing it to warm up his bare fingers.  Actually, looking at the window you could see some spots on the window where condensation had been wiped away on the inside, along the edge of the frost that was creeping along the outside of the window.  Had he been tracing the ice while he waited for you?

“It is, yeah.”

“It’s going to be dark, then, by the time we get to the sixth thing.  Was that intentional?”

You nodded.  “There’ll be far less people there if we go later when it’s dark out.  Plus, I think it’ll be prettier.”

“Are you going to tell me what the last thing is?”

“Nope.  You’ll have to wait and see.”

Levi scowled, finally taking a sip from the coffee you’d chosen for him.  He made a face at the first taste, and for a moment, you were worried he wasn’t going to like it and would set it right back down.  He took another sip, though, and he wasn’t neglecting the cup.  He didn’t seem to think it was the best thing in the world, but at least he was drinking it.

He was probably going to stick to tea, though, based on that expression.

“Well, what do you think so far?” you asked him after the two of you sat in silence for several minutes, nursing your coffees and letting yourselves warm up while you nibbled on your respective bread rolls.

“About the snow?”  When you didn’t correct him, he looked back outside the window.  It was still snowing, but much lighter than it had been before--like light flurries, or something out of a Christmas movie.  The snowflakes that hit the window evaporated almost instantly, revealing it had turned into the kind of snow that didn’t stick.  “It’s nice.”

You gave a pleased smile and took another sip from your cup, glad that so far your little endeavor to make snow and winter a positive experience for him had worked, despite the little hiccups along the way like falling off the sled and coffee apparently not being his thing.  At least he’d been willing to give it a try, though.

For the most part, the two of you sat in companionable silence, Levi asking the occasional question about the piano and what you were learning or pieces he was learning, and even giving you a tentative question about how the whole college thing was panning out.  It was still stressful, and as you’d said before, your...situation, or rather the people around you, were only making it so much harder for you and really getting under your skin about it all.  But Levi’s words from last time were something you were clinging to in order to help you push through these last few months before you would graduate high school and you could finally get out of here.

Just another one of the many reasons you were glad to have him in your life.  You wished he could stay with you, that you could keep him here.  His life in his world didn’t sound pleasant at all, and you knew he’d already been through some dark things.  Maybe if he was here, he could have a better life, things would be easier for him.

And...and maybe he’d choose to spend it with you.

You were blushing at the thought, and you panicked slightly when you remembered you weren’t outside, you were warm inside, and there was no biting cold to blame on the flush in your cheeks.  Finishing the cup of coffee with a rather painful swallow, you started gathering up your things, glancing out the window to see the sun had fully set and darkness had taken over the sky.

“We should probably get going.  Yeah, night might be the better time to go, but if we wait too long you might blip back, or they might close, so…” you said quickly, getting to your feet and tucking hair into your hat as a way to hide the fact that you were rubbing your cheeks in a weird hope that it would make the flush go away, or maybe give you an excuse.  Levi was still giving you an odd look, though, his eyebrows raised, but he got up without commenting on the blush.

Aw jeez, what if he saw, though?  He was so damn observant.  And what if he already knew?  What if he already knew that you’d been sneaking glances of him the past year or so that he’d come to visit you?  What if he knew you were starting to look for excuses to reach out and touch him, even for a moment?  What if he knew that part of the reason you buried your face in his chest whenever you two hugged or were curled close together--whether it was on the hood of a car or on the couch watching a show--was to hide the furious burn in your cheeks, and to let you simply breathe him in for a few moments?  What if he knew that the times that he tended to blip through into your world was when you wanted nothing more than to be around him, when you desperately wanted a friend and needed someone there to be a steady presence to help you get back on your feet, or provide a comfort that didn’t feel invasive or demanding on how you should bounce back or how you should be feeling.  What if he knew your heart had started skipping a beat when he looked at you like that with those sharp steel blue eyes, his hair falling in his face…

Ah, snap out of it, stop stop stop!  You’re friends!  Who knows if he even thinks of you that way, just...uhg, this isn’t about you, this is about him, this is his first snow, just...just focus on that right now, you can puzzle over your feelings after he’s left alone in bed throwing out your frustrated complaints about how you don’t know how to talk to people you like into your pillow like you usually do.  Later.  After this.  Focus, the night’s almost over, and he probably won’t be here much longer today, anyway.

Having given yourself a mental berating over the direction of your thoughts, you focused back on the present with a quick huff, straightening up and leading the charge back out into the cold snow, Levi walking leisurely at your side as usual.  It was a longer walk than any you’d done so far, and you were taking him in a direction that you hadn’t taken him before.  He wasn’t around a lot in the winter time, obviously, so he didn’t get to see this little hobby of yours.  Well, maybe not even a hobby, more like a winter pastime.  You were far from a professional or enthusiast.  It was just something you liked to do on occasion when it was cold, and you were hoping that it was something that he would find enjoyable as well.

It was a simple setup, one that matched the smaller town you were in, with a regular clear plastic half-wall lining the edge, plain Christmas lights crisscrossing over the walled off area several feet into the air and anchored to the poles along the outside, or to the small booth that served as the entrance fee area and the place to get rental skates, if there were enough.  Benches lined the outside of the wall, places for spectators to watch or people to put on their ice skates, and the small outdoor ice rink itself was well lit, the ice appearing to glitter between the starlight, Christmas lights, and the lightly falling snow.

There were a few people, but since it was getting dark and the weather was getting colder--it was already below freezing--most people had left or were in the process of leaving as you went to the booth, paying the entrance fee for two teenagers and getting your shoe size, then having an awkward few moments where you got to try and figure out what shoe size Levi was before you finally managed to get a pair that looked like it would fit him, passing his ice skates to him even though you still hadn’t given him an explanation about what you were doing.

You sat down together on a bench near one of the entrances to the rink, and Levi followed suit when you started taking off your shoes and putting the ice skates on in turn.

“Considering you’ve been stupidly good at anything like this so far, I sort of expect you to get the hang of this fairly quickly, but...this is called ice skating,” you explained in a low tone so no one would hear you explaining what this was to him.  “It’s all about balance and such--balance on the blades on your feet, center of balance, that kind of thing.  It might take a bit to get used to, but once you do, you’ll be skating along in no time.  It's something I like to do in the winter, and I thought you might enjoy it, too.”

You finished strapping the skates on, getting to your feet and taking a few careful steps since you were still on concrete until you were standing in front of Levi, holding your hands out for him to take.  “Here--just focus on standing and getting used to balancing on the blades, first,” you told him, pulling him up to his feet and letting him stand in front of you for a few moments, holding tightly to his hands as he wobbled slightly, feet moving from side to side experimentally, picking up one foot and attempting to keep his balance on the other, simply feeling it out for a few seconds while you held him securely in place.

His hands are warm...rough and calloused...but warm...

After he seemed to get his balance, you walked backwards to bring Levi forwards into the ice rink, making sure he kept his balance despite the awkward steps until you reached the smooth ice that the skates were meant for.  The slicing sound of the skate blade against the ice felt right to your ears, and you gave Levi a moment to adjust to the terrain, shifting so that you were standing beside him on the ice instead of in front of him, holding one of his hands.

The remaining skating group seemed to decide they didn’t want to risk crashing into the new skater in the small rink and left, meaning it was just the two of you in the rink as you taught Levi how to push off with the blades, how to turn, how to stop without face planting into the ice.  It was much faster than most people learned, but it was still slower than you expected.  He just seemed to be a natural at so many things, it was almost weird watching him have to progress through figuring out how to ice skate.

Then again, you were teaching him piano, as well, so it wasn’t entirely something new.  Maybe it was just the fact he always seemed to be magically gifted when it came to anything physical or something that had to do with aim, accuracy, speed…

With just the two of you, the rink was pretty quiet.  There were your voices, of course, with you encouraging him and explaining what you showed him on how to do this or that on the skates, how to speed up and slow down, how to do a hard and sudden stop (again, without face planting).  Levi occasionally made a few quips or grumbles, though none of it was mean spirited.  He seemed focused on what you were showing him, and he was learning it fairly quickly.  You might even dare to say he was having fun.

The other sounds were the slicing of your skates against the ice, and the music playing over loudspeakers on the poles for patrons to skate to if they wanted to.  The man running the booth wasn’t even paying attention to the two of you, he was watching tv on a tiny screen you could barely see through the window in the booth, meaning that for now, it was just the two of you, despite the normally public setting.

Once Levi had his balance and he was able to skate on his own, namely in a circle, considering you hadn’t taught him any tricks yet since you were rather focused on...just skate, you let his hand go, albeit reluctantly.  Still, it would allow him to get comfortable in the skates and skate on his own without leaning on you like a crutch--and the entire thing would be much more enjoyable for him if he could do it on his own without your help.

Once you were no longer teaching him the basics, you took off to go at your normal speed, skating fairly quickly around the rink, getting the feel for being in the skates again--figure skates, mind you.  You liked trying to pull off tricks, and you liked trying to time them to the music.  You weren’t an Olympic figure skater, but you could do some basic tricks.  Not only was it something that you liked doing and that gave you a degree of accomplishment, but it was also a moment to let yourself shine and show off a bit around Levi.

Closing your eyes, you simply felt the movement, the feel of the breeze created by your movement against your face, gravity acting on your body as you leaned this way or that for a turn.  You listened to the music, getting a feel for the beat and the pace before you started adjusting to try and match the music.  When the beat dropped, you attempted a leap and spin--just a quick one, landing a little shakily because it had been a while since you’d done this, but still sticking the landing for the most part.  Smiling slightly to yourself, you did it again with the next beat drop, the landing going much smoother.  You did a few simple movements as well as a few balancing attempts--skating on one foot was a little tricky and required quite a bit of balance, but you could do it--not that you let your foot go too far off the ground--you weren’t trying to form two right angles with your legs and upper body, you had a slight fear of losing your balance forward and causing a bad accident trying to pull that off.  It was simple leg up stuff that you tried.  And as long as you were paying attention, eyes open and alert to your surroundings, you could skate backwards, too--which you did.  It was at that point that you turned to see Levi watching you while you were skating, an intensity in his expression you hadn’t been expecting.  You blushed slightly to catch him staring at you, then gave him a smile, a wave, and you turned back around to do a nonchalant figure eight down the center, cutting across to the other side, doing a little spin before you came to skate beside him.

“So, what do you think?” you asked him warmly, skating casually beside him for the time being, staying on the inside so you were the one making the tighter turns.

“Think you could show me some of those tricks?” he asked, eyes down and directed towards your skates.  You chuckled, lifting one of your legs just slightly off the ice and unsurprised to find him mirroring your movements.  He was a little wobbly at first, just like when he’d stood up, but he quickly evened out, and he even was able to lean into the turns without crashing.  “I’d say wait for the harder ones like leaping spins until you’re a bit more experienced with the skates.  Maybe just stick to movements and patterns.  Lifting a leg, figure eights, skating backwards, that kind of thing.”

“What, you think that little of me?”

You snorted.  “On the contrary, you have a gift for learning these kinds of things.  I’m actually pretty envious how easily everything seems to come to you.”

“Not everything,” he mumbled, and you thought you saw his cheeks were flushed again.  Though maybe it was the cold.  It was far below freezing at this point, and the two of you were skating around, that freezing air blowing on your exposed skin in an almost cutting manner.  You hadn’t really noticed that much, though.  “Skating backwards shouldn’t be too hard, right?”

While you had expected him to try it, you hadn’t expected him to try it right at that very moment as he was skating beside you.  His hand suddenly grasped your arm, and he did a hard turn like he’d seen you do a few times for your tricks, coming to a slightly wobbly stop--not a full stop, you were both still moving--directly in front of you, one of his feet planted between your legs and the other on the outside.  He was, for the moment, skating backwards.

“It’s gonna be inverted, remember?  So instead of leaning--”

“I know,” he said with a huff, glancing behind him and leaning in a mirror of the direction you moved to turn with the curve of the small rink, his grip on your arm tightening slightly and his gaze down at your feet to make sure you two didn’t get tangled up in one another.

You went around the rink like this once...twice...eventually he stopped looking at the turns behind him or the skates below, his grip on your arm going lower...lower...closer to your hand...his eyes focused solely on you as you strangely enough took over guiding the two of you in nonchalant circles around the rink, feeling that gaze of his making your cheeks burn until, after a turn into the longer stretch of ice, you turned to look at him and ask what he was staring at.

He kissed you.

There was no warning.  You hardly had time to turn your head to face him before his lips were against yours.  His lips were cold because of the weather, maybe a little dry as well, but just like his hands, despite the rough and cold outer appearance, it was...soft.  Hesitant, even, like he might pull away at the first sign of discomfort.  You sucked in a sharp breath in surprise, feeling yourself lean into him, start to put more weight on him as you kissed him back just as hesitantly.

You were both frozen like that for a few moments, cold lips pressed together, timid and unsure about what to do, neither of you having done this before and knowing what came next.  But despite the freezing temperature and dry lips, it was still warm--or, it caused a warm feeling in your chest, a nervous and overeager squirm in your belly as your mind started to work again and all these thoughts started to crash down on you, realization of what this meant, what it could mean, that this was your first kiss, that Levi was kissing you, holding you a little closer to him.  After that initial freeze, you both tried to keep going, the inexperience showing but neither of you wanting to pull away.  If anything, you leaned into him a bit more, lips moving against his in the way you thought they were supposed to, his attempting to follow in kind.  As if to help guide both of you, his hand reached up to brush his knuckles carefully against your cheek, your head tilting slightly to the side in a reaction to the touch.

He felt warm.  He felt comfortable.  He felt inviting--like you belonged here, right here with him, stumbling through figuring out what came next, with him holding tight to you to help keep you steady when you started to shake, and you there to return the favor.

Your heart was pounding in your ears, and you felt breathless, felt your knees start to shake, the skates wobbling beneath you as Levi started to pull away, just as gently as he came in for the kiss.  Your eyes, squeezed shut a few moments ago as if that could help freeze the moment in time like the branches on the willow, started to open.

The presence you were leaning into in front of you suddenly disappeared, and with the amount of weight you’d been putting forward, you lost your balance, falling hard onto the ice with a skidding slide, palms burning against the cold ice as you pushed up onto your elbows, looking around in bewilderment.

And then you just...stayed there.  Just sat there.  Completely alone in the skating rink.  No one around to so much as witness what had happened, or confirmed it was real.

No Levi.

Just you.

Alone.

Alone on the ice before you could even release the breath you’d been holding.

*Levi’s POV*

Levi opened his eyes not to the chilling air and the bright lights both from the stairs and the strings of lights above, not to Y/N’s face aglow in that light, that blush in her cheeks that she’d kept trying to brush off as the cold despite her lingering touches, no lightly falling snow that left wet drops like dew on her cheeks, nose, and forehead.  He was alone in the silence of the Underground, lying stretched out on a couch with an arm behind his head under a pillow, staring up at the dark ceiling of his current place of residence.

He closed his eyes tightly, trying to will himself back to that moment, feeling a bubbling anger rising in his chest.  Nothing was happening.  He couldn’t smell the fresh air, couldn’t hear the faint music, couldn’t feel her hand against his arm or her lips against his, couldn’t feel the unsteady weight of having those blades under his feet.  He held his breath, eyes shut as tight as he could, trying so damn hard to get back there.

But nothing changed.  Even though there was nowhere he wanted to be more right now.

Levi opened his eyes slightly, peering at the ceiling without really seeing it, hand stretching out in front of him like he was reaching out to that mental image of the girl running ahead of him, just out of reach even as he stretched, tried to grab onto her even as she slipped through his fingers like smoke, far out of his reach.

Levi’s outstretched hand turned into a fist, and he slammed it against the wall the couch was pushed up against, hearing something crack.  “Shit!”

It had been so perfect.  He’d been watching her the whole time, watching her move so gracefully and freely, so confident and just so...so...beautiful.  And she didn’t seem to even realize that was how he saw her.  Didn’t seem to realize just how much she was worth to him.  He couldn’t help himself--he hadn’t even realized what he was doing until his lips were on hers.  But it had still felt so right in that moment, in that single, fleeting, perfect moment.

And now he was right back here.  All over again.  He didn’t even get the chance to open his eyes and see her reaction, and it pissed him off.  Now he had to wait, and he hated the thought.  Anger and frustration bubbled right to the surface as he got up off the couch, unable to sit still as he got to his feet with a dark, sulking look on his face at how robbed he felt right now.

Though there was also a tiny part of him that was scared because he hadn’t been able to see her reaction.  Especially now that he’d just disappeared on her.

He didn’t know how long he could wait--he knew he’d have to, but it had to come eventually.  He’d go back soon, surely, and he could see her then, he could try to figure out what that kiss was to her when he went back, what it meant for them.  Even if part of him was nervous to know how she was going to take it, even if he had no idea what this meant for them, fuck, he had to know, and he couldn’t stand to wait another hour!

What Levi didn’t know at the time...was that it would be years before he ever saw her again.

Next Chapter---->

(Strikethroughs Couldn’t Be Tagged)

Levi Tags:  @clary-quinn  @humanitys-hottestsoldier  @whalerus @sunny-flo @thirstyforsometea @hauntedhousecat @peaches-and-clouds

Through The Looking Glass Tags:  @artist-bby @kaz2y5-pie @tartheyes @super-peace-fangirl @huntersbunker @nefelimalfoy @soft-levi-girl-blog @honeygivemeachainsaw @regalillegal @sugas-daddy7 @cathyannecookie @chaoticshepardplaid @roayaloveslife @sanrioclit @wvnderfvllyalvne @sparkling-gayyyy @do-not-feed-sugar​

[mouseratz]

also like. the elephant in the room is the whole like. yeah it's really fucking ableist the whole thing at least with like the first story arc I guess with the movies. it's very much implied at least in two that he's like so craaaaazyyyyy because something's wrong with his head because he somehow survived the drowning and decided to be a super murderer after that. I don't like that at all.

I think it's way more compelling if it's like yeah, he was disabled in life but that's like .....okay well. okay listen. I think it actually makes sense if he's nonverbal or otherwise verbally limited when he was a kid, because then the (teenaged, somewhat irresponsible) counselors would have assumed he would be quiet and wouldn't give a shit about him, basically. and when he was in trouble, he had no way to call for help that would've drawn their attention. they couldn't listen for him, but also didn't really consider it important (maybe even because they knew if he was mistreated or yes neglected he would be unable to communicate this)

....in this much, his mother was right. she just also doesn't accept her own responsibility in failing to save him (or at least keep him somewhere she considered in safe hands), and instead externalizes it to like, sex and teenhood being the greatest sins. (There is also the possibility she wasn't a particularly good mother. By the first EIGHT FILMS we don't know, really, how she treated him or what their relationship was like when he was alive, only how the trauma of it affected her. not him, even, which is also I think kind of interesting, about how children's viewpoints are typically thrown aside in favor of their parents'. but I also am not particularly convinced either way on this one, as far as like, what kind of parent she really was.)

anyway. jason as a big murderer to me is fun as kind of. the haunting of the consequences and the loss and the brutality of his mistreatment (and if you take part 5 into consideration you have some themes around specifically the mistreatment of again mentally ill and disabled people, and most notably the *loss of autonomy* with that, and while that is not a perfect movie, I respect it for even trying where the others do not) even though he himself rarely appears particularly angry (pretty much only when it's related to his mother/seeing her as hurt or threatened or whatever).

and part of that i see as just like. he's not really alive like everybody else, that's just kind of the effect being undead Has On Things. he is an adult man now because adults are the only ones who have the power to do anything, even if that anything is just destroying everything you see. (part 8 kind of plays with this idea, but sloppily and badly and contradicting what we DID supposedly know about his life. so whatever.....). he is a monster who is a child at heart, but one you cannot appease, just as much as one you cannot stop, because it's not just revenge. he's there as long as the problems that caused his death are there, and won't die because this utter wrong cannot be forgotten, and can never really be forgiven, because there's no fixing this problem; there's no peace.

it's not really about the kind of person he would've grown up to be, and as an entity now himself he doesn't really make a lot of choices in what he does. he just does it, like it's what he was meant to do, like he knows something we don't, the only selection he has in his killings is he spares children and animals, both innocents and usually less capable of harm (which is why Tommy in part 4 is soooo interesting but I'll save that for later). and thats why he's always gotta come back.

I have come to love jason vorhees but also like. uhm. well. not as like.....well I don't really get the sexyman aspect. I'm sorry. I appreciate the art and all but I'm literally like he's a forty year old minor and also mostly made of dirt and algae at this point