#like yes i crave healthy older male figures

[koukouture]

Idk what it is but like fanfics have really opened my eyes to Aymeric. Like in the MSQ I was like "Oh yeah I like him but idk I like Haurchefant more" but in the Dragonsong War questline + fanfics made me like him a lot. Like he's actually a prince I love him so very dearly. Plus he's yk actually alive so he has more fanfic potential (sorry Haurchefant you were my first love tho)

[lostboytold]

kj apa, homosexual, male + he/him → isn’t that peter pangborne? i hear that they're peter pan from peter pan. i hear their age is unknown but they look to be 23. they seem to be adventurous & cunning, but also reckless & manipulative. their aesthetics include gold glitter sprinkled on youthful toned arms, a broken compass that's endlessly spinning, the shadows of pure lust and intimacy of various people from a campfire.

BASIC INFO

full name — peter pangborne known as — peter pan age — forever twenty-three (neverland's first immortal) gender — cis male, (he/ him/ his pronouns) orientation — homosexual fairy tale connection — peter pan clothing style — forest color palettes, tight pants, high-waisted shorts, sleeveless shirts... leaves

PHYSICAL INFO

face claim — kj apa hair — auburn red / eyes — hazel height — five foot & eight inches build — athletic toned scars — none tattoos — n/a piercings — ears special characteristics — ears are unusually pointy but not quite to the degree of an elf

PERSONALITY

positive traits — daring, clever, vivacious, determined negative traits — impulsive, jealous, selfish, possessive hobbies — flying, dancing, mischief making, singing, flirting

MEDICAL INFO

mental — undiagnosed adhd, forgetfulness physical — active and healthy, neverland magic keeps him eternally youthful phobias — being abandoned, solitude eyesight — 20/20(left eye), 20/20 right eye dominant hand — ambidextrous alcohol use — yes, social drinker diet — anything that can be hunted and gathered in neverland, slight sweet tooth

SPICY INFO

sexual preference — versatile, bottom leaning kinks — romance, public play, exhibitionism, breeding, scents, hair pulling, rough, edging, oral fixations (his own), body worship, praise anti-kinks — gore/scat, blood play, infantilization, feminization

BACKGROUND

birthplace — london, england parents — unknown mother (deceased) & unknown father (deceased) siblings — none notable skills — adept audio mimicry, shadow teleportation, flyer (through pixie dust), exceptional gymnastic skills

BIO

Once a normal boy who grew up in the streets of London, England during the early Victorian era — Peter Pan took it upon himself to remain eternally youthful and escape the responsibilities of adulthood. He never excelled too well in academics at school, and was therefore destined for a life in the factories like his father. One night after turning to the ripe age of eighteen, Peter wished to runaway and be taken somewhere he would never have to grow up.

From the darkness, his shadow animated into a sentient being with a mind of its own. The dark figure beckoned Peter to follow it and led him to an alley where another peculiar tiny creature with dragonfly wings greeted them. A healthy sprinkle of pixie dust later, and Peter gained the ability to fly. Feet magically lifting off the ground, Peter soared high in the sky and away from the house he once called home. The trio of now best friends continued flying through the night and across the vast sea until they saw an island in the distance.

There, Peter remained for months. With his shadow and pixie companion's help, he not only survived — but thrived in the island. Still, he couldn't help but feel lonely and miss his parents. Not only that, he craved friends to hangout and forge strong bonds with. So, he left Neverland in what felt like an eternity to find those willing to be a part of his adventures. He'd travel back to London and frequent locale universities to invite young men who also want an escape to join him. Peter didn't discriminate, either. He happily welcomed older and more mature chaps in need of a good time away from the obligations of daily life.

Eventually, Peter assembled a solid retinue of men of different ages to be his 'lost boys'. Together, they reveled in the freedom and much needed respite provided in abundance by the island. So long as they stayed within the borders of Neverland, none of them aged a bit. It was an eternal adventure of flirting with mermaids, fighting pirates, and finding magical treasures.

Over the years, some of his lost boys began to yearn for home. They missed their old lives and families, which Peter often had a hard time understanding. Nevertheless, he didn't forbid them from leaving and frequently had to depart from the island to find a replacement. This carried on for decades. Sometimes, Peter is away for months in search for the perfect candidate or distracted trying to recruit a particular man into joining his motley crew. Alas, Peter's immortality is suppressed whenever he's in the outside world. This prolonged absence from Neverland caused him to age until he was in his early twenties.

Now with easier access to so many more New Worlds both magical and mundane thanks to Jack's enchanted beans, Peter is more determined than ever to bring together the perfect group of lost boys.

HEADCANONS

after spending years in and out of neverland, peter is approximately twenty-three years old. biologically speaking however, he's over a hundred in terms of age.

peter definitely fears someday being completely alone in neverland, without even his shadow or tinkerbell to turn to.

with his love for flying, peter has developed an addiction to pixie dust to the point he has the substance stored in bottles. he refuses to touch the ground unless in bed. more often than not, he can be seen levitating or floating casually.

through his shadow teleportation magic, peter has visited numerous amounts of realms. he's recruited lost boys from the likes of oz, wonderland, and much more.

[fourfoldmom]

Guilt&Grace: Mom Guilt and Breaking Generational Curses

The other day as I sat in the recliner finally being able to breath after getting all the kids down for bed, I felt a wave of sadness and regret. The same questions rang in my head,"Could I have been a better mom today?' Could I of yelled less, and played more. Maybe I should've said yes to the mess, just for the memories. Was I too strict and need to be more lax. As these questions swirl in my head like a building tornado I start to question my own traumas. Hoping every day I don't make my children live as I did with generational curses that I try to break free of.

My mother was always a cruel woman. Mainly to us girls, which she had 3 of, but never to my brother. She never hugged us girls, never called us beautiful unless we were dressed to impress guests or strangers. She rarely said,'I love you." to us or checked on our mental health (those days that was still a subject of taboo). My brother was always important, he received the affection us girls lacked all of our lives. Being the only boy earned him an instant ticket to grace and softness. Something my two sisters and I craved but never obtained a fix for. My sisters shared a father and my brother and I shared another. As we got older each set of kids went to go live with their respective fathers never to see or speak again until adulthood. I thought when I moved in with my father at the tender age of 8, it was my chance to finally get some parental affection I only read about in books and seen other girls receive in school. I was sadly mistaken.

The treatment towards me and my brother was night and day at my fathers. My dad being a single father my entire life and no females to go to for advice, made it nearly impossible for him to relate to me as a male, and he never seemed to figure out his role as a "girl dad" either. I had to watch my brother have endless amounts of freedoms and privileges, while I was living a life closed off from a lot of healthy teenage and adolescent experiences. When I first got my menstrual, my dad treated me like I was gross, that it was something more to be hidden than to be celebrated. I couldn't blame him on that one I suppose. Clothes shopping every school year was already terrible, but it was even worse when I began to physically mature. My brother always got more leeway on the clothing he could wear, but I was stuck to graphic tee's and loose jeans so none of my growing curves would be noticeable. Up until my junior year in high school I never owned a real bra or thong, until it came to the point when I was finally able to shop on my own due to getting my first job. Dating was out of the question for me, as I watched my brother snuggle in bed when his girlfriend would come over or go to his friends houses as I was told I had no business being out after dark .Despite my father pushing me away and doting on my brother, I still idolized my father. I wanted to be a "daddies princess" so bad it crushed me when I never got to be. That trauma of never feeling good enough to my parents followed my into adulthood. I was bound and determined to never make someone else feel like I did.

I begged and pleaded into the wind when I had my first child that I would never allow myself to treat my children with such passive and callous behavior. I would do all the hugs, all the affirmations, the constant reminders that my children were important and meaningful in my life. Every new toy or trending item they wanted I would provide, no questions asked. Until the day came that he was here. I was scared to have a boy at first, but his beautiful tan skin, black hair and pout lips made him something out of a baby catalog. Beautiful, small and precious. I vowed to protect him, mentally and physically. When he turned two, I had his little sister, I was so excited, I had a boy and a girl. Now was my chance to make another human being, feel the love and admiration I always seeked! I suffered from postpartum depression after my daughter. Motivation to go the extra mile was practically non-existent, everyday was simply bare minimum survival and necessity. Things went on like that for almost a year until therapy and proper medication came into play. I finally was able to see the goal and sunshine again. As time went on i went on to have two more little girls. My home and heart were filled to the brim. I was really settling into my role as a mother and homemaker happily. Then came the divorce.

My childrens father an I met at 17 and 19. We shared the four children together and went on to get married at our 8 year mark. There were a lot of up's and down's in our marriage, which is typical. It's when it became more harmful than peaceful that it was time to call it quits at our 10 year mark. It effected me more than I anticipated and my mental health once again declined. If I wasn't busy beating myself up over the failure of my marriage, I was beating myself up about being depressed about it and not keeping my promise I made to myself and my children long ago. It was a real pitty party for awhile, until I finally got into therapy again and redid my medication. I was back to feeling A1 again.

I finally was able to keep my promise. I always remind my children of how strong, smart, funny, and beautiful they are. That their part in my life is the most important thing to me. There are days I slip and fall. Maybe I yelled all day and never said I love you. Maybe I forgot to apologize when I knew I was wrong. I could've been more involved, I could've tried a little harder, more effort, more happiness, more memory building, more time spent, more, more, more, more, more. Until I'm sitting in that recliner at the end of the night, massaging my temples replaying the day. Its like the saying goes,"I'll be okay, I just have to be dramatic first." It fits so well. I will call myself every name in the book, beat myself up; me vs me. Then when I'm done, i brush the dust off and look up to seeing one of my babies walking into the living room to give me a goodnight hug and kiss and tell me they love me, which i return the gesture with some might. I may of had a bad go at this day, but the good days out weigh these bad ones. I may be an adult, but I deserve to be graceful with myself. Im allowed to be angry, I'm allowed to be sad, exhausted, overwhelmed, over stimulated. I've cared so much for my children and their happiness and feelings that they've finally reached the age where they can radiate that love and affection freely into others when they see a need. So when I am feeling these things, they treat me the same way I treat them. With kindness, patience, understanding and love. That's how I know I broke the generational curses. They show me everyday that the chains broke with me. The links rusted, withered and flown like dust into the breeze. You don't have to be perfect, you just have to be available. Be open with your emotions, teach your children these feelings are okay, then teach them they are still loved even after. You'll be proven everyday through their actions and reactions that you're doing such an imperfectly perfect job! You've got this mama, don't let the hard days shadow all the beautiful ones to come and pass!

Until next time beebs,

Sage Summers <3

[macchiatosdumptruck]

AU where Kreese convinces Terry to breakup with Daniel for his own good - (the atypical codependence and obsession be so toxic even if it's the only real love Terry ever had) - BUT THEN Kreese goes behind Terry's back and courts Daniel and then one day Terry pays a visit to find Kreese and Daniel dating/in a serious relationship.

I don't know what would motivate Kreese to be such an evil genius but how would Terry react do you think

Kreese would view Daniel as a weakness.

Not only is Daniel weak in comparison to what Kreese views as traditional and proper masculinity, but he also makes Terry weak because Terry enjoys spending time with him.

As much as it started as a ploy to ruin Daniel, and Daniel became enamoured with Terry, Terry in turn became obsessed with Daniel, obviously.

Not to quote myself but there is one thing I think of where I said "The very act of obsession is an surrender of will."

(maybe I should make a mood board for it? I've been fucking around with that idea.)

Kreese can't have all of Terry's devotion if there's a doe eyed karate maven taking up his attention.

It's strictly strategic. At least at first. Before he finds himself angry at how charming the boy actually is.

And Terry owes John everything. He may be enamoured with the LaRusso boy, but he was a man of his word. Surely John was right? It was dangerous to let yourself get close to someone. It made you weak.

So Terry reluctantly agrees.

But, just to remind Terry of who is in charge, of who pulls the strings, Kreese then sets his sights on Daniel.

As for Kreese's motivation I imagine he can convince himself that he is doing this for Terry's benefit. If he was trying to view it as an act of love. Or it could just be control. How dare Terry think he could have someone outside of him? Not only is he going to make sure that Terry is dependent on him but he is also going to steal his play things.

"I took your toy. Now how do you feel about that? Everything you thought was special to yourself isn't. Cobra Kai is mine. Your boyfriend? Mine. Your post war personality? Mine. "

I imagine it would go down much like the "yes captain" scene in s4.

Poor Daniel. Either he's in on it and wants some sort of revenge for their psychological warfare, or he has genuinely believed that these men were worthy of his care and affection.

(Daniel has a bit of "I could fix him" going on)

Maybe Daniel even believes that he could mend Terry and Kreese's relationship some, seeing how toxically co-dependent they are on each other.

Maybe he thinks he can make them see that they are hurting each other, holding themselves back.

Either way, he feels too much and too earnestly to not be affected by this. Poor little broken boy who just craves the attention of an older male figure in his life.

Terry is a bit of a wild card. Because the things he does makes total sense to him. But his reactions to things can also vary wildly.

I imagine Terry is hurt. What comes from that hurt? John has shown him once again that he believes Terry is beneath him in some way. He can't share but he also doesn't have the courage to give Terry what he needs.

And Daniel, he imagines Daniel maybe didn't view him as such an interesting and impressive person after all, if he can be easily swayed by Kreese of all people.( He purposefully ignores the hypocrisy of that line of thinking. If he even sees it in the first place. )

Terry is possessive. Terry doesn't like to share. Terry viewed Daniel as something he deserved and earned.

I see him acting out kind of like a small child. He is angry and hurt and he doesn't want to deal with those emotions directly so instead he focuses on revenge.

What is his revenge? Stealing Daniel back? Leaving Kreese for good, like he thought he had at the beginning of s4? Inserting himself between them and tearing any possibly healthy relationship apart?

It's interesting that even when they were divorced Terry still allowed Kreese to retain the use of the name Cobra Kai.

What if he burned it to the ground?

"I made this with you. For you. And you hurt me. Now I take back everything I've done."

He could use his influence to ruin the name, to drive it out of business. To maybe open his own dojo and call it something else? To steal Daniel back, punish the boy for ever thinking of leaving him, and have him by his side as he builds a new empire.

(out of all the things happening I don't actually see a physical fight being one of them. We see the husbands playfully sparring in the last season but that's all.

And I also found it slightly out of character that Terry beat Daniel so badly in the show because he was the only villian to never physically harm Daniel. And that said a lot to me. He made Daniel do it to himself. He made Daniel want it. He made Daniel thank him for it. I think the fight, as insane as it made me and as much as I liked it, was put in just because the guys wanted to see a fight between the two. Another action sequence. )

I think Terry would go the route of psychological warfare.

[pellicano-sanguino]

The Long Carmilla Post 2 - Return of the Long Post about the Queen of Lesbian Vampires

When Tumblr tightened its policy about censoring nudity, they targeted a long post I'd made about Carmilla, since I showed photos of Ingrid Pitt and Yutte Stensgaard with their bare breasts in it. I have now censored the post, edited it and added a little. Carmilla is my favourite vampire of all time, and I have a long history with her different incarnations, so I wanted to bring the Long Carmilla Post back.

When I first posted the Long Carmilla Post, I had just seen the movie made by the Carmilla webseries folks. The sudden fame of the webseries surprised me. I can't help but think, that there must be a lot of new Carmilla fans, who instantly think of Natasha Negovanlis when they hear that name. If this series had been around when I was a teen, damn, would I have loved it! I would have been obsessed with it. But it was not, and I can't really become as obsessed with it now as the new fans do. Because when I hear the name Carmilla, several different faces appear in my imagination. I have already been obsessed with Carmilla from a rather young age, and while I love the webseries and this movie, for me it's just one of Carmilla's newer incarnations, not her default form.

I don't want to sound like a hipster (”I liked Carmilla before the webseries made her cool!”), I just thought that as a lesbian vampire lover I should make a post about my favourite vampire, and the history I have with the character.

There are some images of blood under the cut.

When I was younger, there really wasn't any lesbian litterature around (well, there probably was but I didn't know what books to search). I had a habit of switching genders in the books I read, making everyone female so I could get the girl romances I craved for, but this always felt forced and not ”real.” I read lots of vampire stories, because I've always loved that genre, but it was very much dominated by stories of male vampires. When I read Dracula, it had a short introduction speech that talked about the history of modern vampire stories, and it mentioned Sheridan Le Fanu's Carmilla.

Tracking the novella down was a bit hard, considering that back then I didn't have internet and so could only read books that I found in the library and bookstores. Fortunately the translation of Carmilla was included in one horror anthology that our library had. I managed to get my hands on it, and this cover illustration was the first ”face” of Carmilla that I knew.

I can't really put a finger on why I became so obsessed with this story. It's not that great of a novella. A very basic old-timey vampire story about a monster who threatens the life of the protagonist, who is saved when the monster's true nature is revealed, after which it is hunted down and destroyed. And the lesbian subtext is very, very subtle. There was just something very mysterious and fascinating about Carmilla. She is still among the few vampires who actually frighten me. Though Le Fanu's story isn't very scary by modern standards, Laura's nightmare scenes somehow got under my skin. There's something very creepy in the way vampires in older stories used to steal blood from their victims while they were sleeping. The idea, that there exists a predator who instead of straight up attacking its prey, approaces it by a cover of flawless mimicry, is horrifying. You are being slowly eaten alive and you're not even aware of it happening, or that it's your charming friend doing it to you.

I started having dreams about Carmilla. The first ones were nightmares, but even if they were scary, they didn't make me anxious, just excited. I was scared of Carmilla, but I wanted to see her, I wanted to hear her voice. It was as if I had fallen under her spell, much like Laura, but unlike Laura, I was aware of her true nature. I knew what she wanted, I knew that in my dreams, her kisses would lead to bites. But to a young lesbian who loved vampire stories, those kisses were worth losing a few drops of blood in the dream kingdom. She was one of ”my people.” She was not a genderswapped male hero, she was ”real.” She genuinely loved women and blood, and I loved her.

Halloween isn't really celebrated where I live, but one October a friend of mine decided that she'd hold a Halloween party (which became a yearly tradition for us for many years to come). She invited a group of her friends to watch horror movies at her house, and everyone should wear a costume. There was no competition what I would go as. I had a light blue dress that I decorated with blood stains, and over it I wore a dark gray cape, on which I had painted purple flower patterns to make it resemble the coat Carmilla wears on the cover illustration. It must be almost twenty years old, but I still have that cape.

Little Pellicano as Carmilla. I think I must have been 13 or 14 when this party was held.

Then I saw my first Carmilla movie. A Hammer film called Vampire Lovers.

This is a very silly movie. Very cheesy. But young Pellicano loved it. I can still quote many of the scenes from memory. The movie follows LeFanu's novella rather loosely, but I think it's one of the most faithful adaptations. It included the basic ”plot” that Carmilla uses to get close to her victims, has the nightmares (including Carmilla's monstrous cat form), keeps the plot point that she must form her new names anagrammically and makes her killer be a man who lost his daughter to the vampire. So far I think it's the only movie version that includes the scene where Carmilla sees the funeral procession of a girl she killed and loses it completely. I've always found that scene interesting, many claim that her fit of anxiety is caused by hearing the chanting (being unholy creature who's weak to christian things) but I think it's more than that. Either she has horrifying flashbacks to her own funerals (waking to vampirism and having to claw her way out of her own grave, that would scar me for sure) or she is genuinely sorry for killing the girl and terrified of having to face the truth that her love will always end in death.

I want to interpret Carmilla as a vampire who really loves her victims, not as playthings but as real lovers. But she wasn't a reluctant vampire either, she embraced the monstrous side of herself. It was natural to her, and so it was inevitable that the women she loved would eventually die. Maybe she preferred to ignore this knowledge in the daytime, and when she was forced to see what her night time activities had resulted in, the fit of anxiety happened.

A bit off topic, but one scene from the novella that I've never seen make it into a movie, is when a wandering salesman offers his dentistry services to Carmilla, offering to file down her fangs, which sends Carmilla into a fit of rage. I don't know, I always thought that scene pretty funny. Poor guy, offering to de-fang a vampire and getting a HOW DARE YOU rant in response.

So, the next ”face” of Carmilla was obviously Ingrid Pitt. While this movie wasn't particularly explicit (all the sex happens off screen), the lesbian subtext was much less subtle, which pleased young Pellicano. And then there was the infamous bathing scene (would show pics, but gotta censor for Tumblr. You can easily find them by image googling.).

When I was younger, I suffered from being underweight for a long time (had always been a small girl). Seeing Ingrid Pitt's figure motivated me to try to gain weight. She was so beautifully soft and curved, not just her chest, but her shoulders and legs and everything just looked so smooth and nice, while I had thin, pointy, stick-like limbs with sharp edges and none of that lovely roundness. I know teens should not look at celebrities and actresses as body models, but I think having Ingrid Pitt's shape as body goal was healthy for me. I never reached that goal, of course, but I did eventually reach normal weight limits (50kg, the weight needed for blood donors).

That friend of mine, who hosted Halloween parties, watched the movie with me and knew that I was obsessed with Carmilla. One day she got me a fake gold necklace with a red plastic gem on it, shaped like a blood drop. I don't know where she got this trinket from, but it was similar to the pendant Carmilla wears in the movie, and even if it was just cheap junk, I treasured it. And totally wore it during the next Halloween party, going as Carmilla like I always did. I've lost the gold chain, but I still have the gem.

Also still have the VHS. I don't know why I've kept it, I have no VHS player anymore.

Before I move on from Ingrid Pitt, I’d like to mention a pet peeve of mine. Ingrid Pitt has done two vampire roles (three if Elisabeth Bathory from Countess Dracula is counted). The more famous role is obviously Carmilla, it’s probably her most famous role ever, period. Her other vampire role is Carla Lynde from House that Dripped Blood. Now, the thing that annoys me is that article writers tend to always mix these two up. Whenever they write something about Carmilla or female vampires in general, they always mention Ingrid Pitt’s role as Carmilla in Vampire Lovers, but they always use the same damn stupid promo photo that is from House that Dripped Blood. That’s lazy research! Do they just image google “Ingrid Pitt vampire” and fail to check if the photo they use is actually from the movie they’re talking about?! The roles don’t even look identical, Carmilla’s a brunette while Carla Lynde is blonde, Vampire Lovers is set in 1800s, House that Dripped Blood is set in 20th century. The worst one was when the museum in my home city had a vampire themed exhibition and even they used the wrong photo for Vampire Lovers. If a museum can’t get their facts straight, that’s just sad.

Here is an example of my pet peeve in action, an article about vampire movies, using the wrong fucking photo for Vampire Lovers. And yes, I know why they like using this particular photo (”höhöhöö boobs, I’m so mature”). But that just makes me more angry when they do it.

Hammer made a sequel to Vampire Lovers called Lust for a Vampire. It was...  disappointing. It introduced a male love interest for Carmilla, which in my opinion was complete bullshit. If you want to make a story about a female vampire who falls in love with a human boy, by all means make it, but don't call it Carmilla, call it something else. That being said, there were a good amount of lesbian action going on as well (this time Carmilla plotted her way into an all girls' school...) and if there's one thing Hammer rarely fails at delivering, it's the bucketloads of unconvincing bright red fake blood. I skipped the icky het sex, but always enjoyed this scene:

Yeah, Yutte Stensgaard was the third ”face” of Carmilla. When I think of that name, this blood-covered, sleepy-looking vampire maiden is among the images that instantly pop into my mind.

The third Carmilla movie I saw was titled just Carmilla and starred Meg Tilly.

This was clearly a cheaper (maybe made for TV) adaptation. Meg Tilly didn't leave as big an impression as Ingrid Pitt and Yutte Stensgaard did. But I do remember one line from the movie clearly. When Marie (the southerner ”Laura” of this version) asks about Carmilla's past, Carmilla brushes it aside by saying ”That was another lifetime. I'm much happier now.” I adopted this phrase into use. Whenever people are unknowingly asking about a painful thing from my past that I don't want to talk about, I will say it to let them know that nothing good comes from digging old wounds that have already scarred. That was another lifetime. I'm much happier now.

I do remember that Meg Tilly's Carmilla was the movie with the ”awkward floaty blood drinking pose.”

I'm sorry, but that just doesn't look comfortable. Or functional.

Then the big day came – my family got a computer that could access internet. It was an awful piece of junk that could barely be used for writing emails and visiting messageboards. It wouldn't play videos, loading images took forever and big pictures often made it freeze. However, I had access to the internet now. The first word I ever googled was obviously ”carmilla.” Among the sites I found back then, was one about a German play, starring a woman called Ulrike Schneidewind.

The site had big, beautiful promo photos of the play. They took forever to load, but I returned to watch them often. There was something captivating in Ulrike Schneidewind's look for Carmilla. I'm not usually a fan of vampires with the white face+red lipstick+loads of mascara-look, but hers was beautiful, like a painting, like a creature that really wasn't human.

I don’t know if they used fake blood in the actual play or if it was only for these promo photos, but it looks incredibly pretty and surprisingly convincing.

I have no idea what this demon looking thing is supposed to be - Carmilla’s monstrous cat form maybe?

Ulrike Schneidewind became the next ”face” of Carmilla, even though I have never seen her act. All I've seen are these promo photos of the play (I have heard her speak. There's a couple minutes long news clip on Youtube about a vampire lifestyler event she attended). Supposedly there exists a VHS of the Carmilla play they performed on a Romanian tour, but they must have only made a handful of those, since I've never seen it on sale anywhere. I check the German eBay every now and then in faint hopes of finding a copy but I've come to accept that I'll probably never see this show. But still, Ulrike Schneidewind's look left an impression on my mind.

Around those times I started to draw comics in which my self-insert character shared a house with six vampire roommates (Carmilla, who owned the house, Brunhilda from Wake Not the Dead, Teresa from Last Lords of Gardonal, Ruthven, Dracula and Francis Varney) and an OC named Charity (Brunhilda's donor and girlfriend). I mostly pulled the designs for my vampires out of thin air, really (well, Dracula was as he was descrided in the novel, with fuzzy moustache and bushy eyebrows) but Carmilla's design was based on Ulrike Schneidewind's look, with blue veins shining through the white skin and lots of dark makeup and black hair.

Sad part is that it's been over ten years and my drawing skills have not improved at all. This is not ”art” this is doodles. But drawing these was super fun back then, so I shouldn't feel ashamed of them now, I think.

Besides these comics, I wrote some fanfics too. But I'm very glad I never put those anywhere public, because damn, they are embarrassing to read now. It's because my fanfics were actually serious business, full of drama and sturm und drang, and they turned out rather cheesy. Also full of, ahem, erotic content written by someone who had no personal experience on the subject yet. The comics on the other hand were just made for shits and giggles, and I think they've survived the test of time better (by which I mean, that I have actually shown my comics to other people, because occasionally I think I made a fun one, while I've never shown my fics to anyone and have already burned the worst ones.).

When the wonderland of internet was opened to me, I gained access to all the books in the world. I was no longer restricted by what our library and book stores had, I could buy stuff that wasn't published here. So obviously I got a copy of Kyle Marffin's Carmilla sequel. It's not a very good book. Quite silly, childish and badly written (men really shouldn't write about lesbians, they know nothing about them and enjoying an erotic scene becomes rather hard when you imagine some gross het dude writing it while drooling on his keyboard). But it was the first time I read a rather explicit lesbian sex scene, and that got me very excited, because finally all the subtext was thrown to garbage. Here it was, black on white, proof that Carmilla was into girls, not just their blood but their bodies as well. My late discovery of lesbian erotica may seem weird now, when anyone can gain access to mountains of lesbian smut in the internet, but back when I lived with my parents I never dared to look up smut on the home computer, in fear that they'd find out. Until I moved out, my only access to lesbian erotica was books, and Carmilla's Return was the first one I got.

Rant time: I might also add, that annoyingly enough I had been encountering explicit het sex scenes in books, movies and TV years before. And while I never intentionally searched naughty stuff on the net, I had bumped into het porn there accidentally as well. I wonder if heteros understand how freaking frustrating this kind of thing was. Their smut was all over the place, in every book, every film and all around the net, pretty much rubbed to my face, while MY stuff was so obscure I didn't even know where to look for it. And then they had the nerve to claim that we are ”flaunting it” and ”making it all about ourselves” whenever there was a gay sidecharacter somewhere. Grr. Grrr. Rant over.

I bumped into some incarnations of Carmilla later too, but none left an impression on my mind like these early ones did. The worst Carmilla I ever saw was the main villain in Lesbian Vampire Killers. That movie is easily the worst vampire movie I have ever seen (maybe even the worst movie I've seen, period), it's an ”erotic horror comedy” that is neither sexy, scary or funny. It is nice that when they were thinking of a character to star in a movie about lesbian vampires, they chose Carmilla. But the movie is such utter garbage, I'd rather they'd left my favourite vampire out of it. Save your money and sanity -  don't watch this movie. It's bad.

I feel like a lot of time people want to take Carmilla's name and make a whole new character with it (like Reimi Urara's character in Vampire Succession, who is named Carmilla but isn't even a vampire at all). These ”Carmilla in name only” kind of characters don't count, and frankly speaking I'm not that fond of them. I guess it is nice that people want to pay respect to the legendary vampire by naming a character after her, but my opinion still is that if you don't want to tell the story of a lesbian vampire, call your character something else. If you take away either of Carmilla's two passions; that of women or that of blood, the character loses her trademark characteristics and stops being ”real.” You don't make a Godzilla movie where the king of the monsters isn't allowed to have his trademark atomic breath, and you don't make a Carmilla who doesn't love women and blood.

Now that I have said that, you probably guess my opinion about the (*spoilers*) ending of the webseries's third season. Yeah, I wasn't a fan of humanizing Carmilla. So, I went to see the movie with rather low expectations, and was pleasantly surprised. This movie is more Carmilla than all of the webseries's seasons together.

But let's speak about the webseries first. I was very positively surprised by it. One day I ended up googling Carmilla again (was probably looking for fanfics) and discovered this little gem. It had very little to do with Le Fanu's original, but what it decided to change was so good that I didn't care. And it had still lots of little nods to the novella. Carmilla's anagrammical names, the nightmares, they freaking included Laura's governesses De Lafontaine and Perrodon (I would totally watch a spin-off that just follows the adventures of Laf and Perry) and there's even a scene where Carmilla is watching over sleeping Laura, looking a bit similar to a famous illustration of the novella. Also, the theme song ”Love will have it's sacrifices”, is a direct quote, from a scene where Carmilla is describing to Laura the night when the curse of vampirism was passed on to her (of course, she doesn't out right say it, but the reader knows what she's talking about).

”--- I was all but assassinated in my bed, wounded here," she touched her breast, "and never was the same since."

"Were you near dying?"

"Yes, very--a cruel love--strange love, that would have taken my life. Love will have its sacrifices. No sacrifice without blood.---”

I'm not going to say the webseries doesn't have its flaws, a little lazy writing here and there, plot holes and inconsistent characters occasionally (I feel sorry for Danny. She just can't win.). But it was incredibly entertaining, it made me laugh and it made me care about what happens to everyone. And like probably a lot of the fans, I adored the fact that they didn't dance around the lesbian thing. When Laura understands that Carmilla's advances weren't blood-related, her reaction isn't any dumb ”But we're both girls, how can this be?!” Whoever understood to make Laura gay too was a genius. When she gets all flattered and blushing after learning that a beautiful girl finds her attractive, it's such a relatable feeling. It's the lesbian romance I so wanted as a teen! Not stories of a predatory lesbian seducing dumb clueless het girls to the dark side, but girls experiencing all the usual things female leads in romantic stories do, only with another girl as their love interest.

The first season of the webseries is my favourite. The second was pretty good, too. Third, in my opinion, a bit unnecessary (here I think you could see the writing starting to slip). Then came the movie.

They could have completely abandoned the vampire theme and proceeded with the heroes' further adventures. But they didn't and thank goodness for it. They return to draw inspiration from the original source; the novella. We have nightmares, and I admit they actually made me uneasy, reminding me of that creepy feel Laura's dream scenes gave me in the novella. The image of Carmilla laying down in a coffin filled with blood is also from the story. There's a scene where Carmilla is forced to reveal her vampiric nature, and it really reminds me of the scene where it happens in the book.  

And they freaking quote it, probably being the first adaptation ever to use straight quotes from the book. ”Die together so they can live together”-speech isn't quite right word-to-word, I think, but still, it's an identifiable quote. I used to be able to quote the ”You are mine, you shall be mine”-speech in English, Swedish and German, but have now forgotten most versions (yeah, I read Carmilla in several languages when I was younger. I was freaking obsessed with the story). I still think it's the most memorable quote from the novella. Also, the book-reading scene with ”Girls are caterpillars who undergo several larval stages before becoming butterflies”-speech is also from the novella. I think the only famous quote missing in this movie is the ”I've never been in love and never shall unless it should be with you”-speech.

As a fan of the ”old” Carmilla I adore how they pay homage to the origin respectfully, while still making their very own story. Again, teenaged Pellicano would have been all over this stuff. But I had to make my lesbian vampire stories from other versions, and while those also have their flaws, I adore them just as much. I am just happy that Carmilla lives on, not forgotten and left in the shadow of the countless more famous male vampires (seriously, where the fuck are all the female vampires? Ones that are actually main characters in their story and pass the freaking vampiric Bechdel test?)

Carmilla lives on, indeed. She has made a new comeback in Netflix's Castlevania series. I watched the first season and liked it quite a bit. It was a bit too gorey for my personal taste, but that wasn’t a dealbreaker. I liked the art style and was interested to see where they take the story. When I heard rumours that the second season would have a character named Carmilla, my reaction was pretty much “Carmilla is part of the Castlevania franchise?! Why did no one tell me this before?!”

Of course I’m always eager to see new adaptations of my favourite vampire. So, I did some research to know which games she appears in, made some popcorn and sat down to watch some Let’s Play videos (I’m not a gamer and don’t own game consoles so the only way I get to experience videogames is through Let’s Plays in Youtube.). But I ended up rather disappointed. Carmilla in the Castlevania games is cartoonishly silly at best, downright insulting to the original at worst.

So, after seeing how poorly the games treated my favourite vampire, I looked forward to the second season of the Netflix series with mixed feelings. I was hopeful, thinking that they can't go anywhere but up from here. And I was pleasantly surprised. The character design made her a bit silly looking with eeeevil face and her body language is very femme fatale-ish (I don’t really see the appeal of the femme fatale trope, but then again, it’s usually written for male audience), but they didn't put her in an ugly, revealing costume and the camera focused on her face instead of her breasts.

It's disappointing that she isn't a lesbian in this one (she makes one joke that hints she might be into girls too, but because Dracula's war council is mostly one big sausage fest, we don't see her interact with other females much).

I am so, so happy that the makers of the show understood that Carmilla is not some boot-licking notice-me-senpai Dracula fangirl (an aspect of her I loathed in the games). The only reasons for a lesbian vampire to ally with a male one are if they have a common goal (such as defending themselves against vampire hunters) or if she has no other choice. Netflix Carmilla is the latter. Dracula is a powerful, dangerous monster, who is also very much insane and therefore unpredictable. When he summons Carmilla to join his senseless crusade against humankind, Carmilla can't afford to refuse and take the chance of the mad vampire king killing her for disobedience and making a warning example of her. She has to go to war she herself deems pointless (well, Godbrand had a point in his ”If vampires kill all the humans, what will the vampires eat?”-speech.). So she begins to plot to prevent the genocide (she actually wants humankind to keep existing as opposed to wiping them from the face of the Earth, remind me again why she is the one every fan hates while they love Dracula the Kill All Humans-madman? Oh right, she assaults one of the male fan favourite characters on screen and is therefore deemed much more evil than Dracula who slaughters countless innocent humans offscreen without mercy. Got it.).

I love that she uses cunning instead of seduction when putting her plot to gain freedom from Dracula's servitude in action. Admittedly, some of the scenes where she's manipulating Hector seem a bit seductive-ish, but are still nothing compared to the ”Oh great master let me lick the blood off your sword!”-bullshit from the games. Also, was I the only one who could see right through her mindgames? Every time she complimented some man, I was shaking my head ”Lady, even blind Reetta can see that you are full of shit.” So it really surprised me when Hector fell for it. How do you fall for such an obvious trap?

I like that Carmilla's reasons for her schemes are reasonable and based on common sense and war strategy rather than just being evil for the sake of being evil. That being said, the scene where she beats Hector felt unnecessary, the man was tied up and would have gone with her even without getting his ass handed to him, because he's a prisoner and has no choice. I understand that it's an important scene symbolically, tying back to the scene where the animal-loving Hector compares vampires to cats, to which Isaac points out that cats play cruelly with their prey. It's a turning point for Hector, who abandoned humanity and tried to find a new family among monsters only to realize that they are, well, monsters. What did you expect voting for Leopards Eating Peoples' Faces Party would bring to you? Anyway, I understand that the scene is important to the plot and character growth, but I can't help but feel that making Carmilla assault a fan favourite character so brutally was the writers way of making sure the audience hates her. I have a feeling that they want to be sure the audience hates her, because they have something disgusting in mind for her for the third season.

I already talked about this in my ”If you have to kill female vampires on screen, please don't make it look like a rape”-post. I am worried what they are going to do with Carmilla. She's obviously going to get killed, but I hope they allow her to go down with dignity. Lords of Shadows 2 already gave us a really disgusting, rapey killing scene (I’ve only seen one killing scene with an even clearer “lesbianism can be cured by rape”-theme, in Lesbian Vampire Killers where Carmilla is impaled by a dick-shaped sword), we do not need another. I don't want Hector or Isaac or Dracula impaling her body slowly and looking downward at her in disgust as she painfully dies. Yes, Dracula will be coming back, it's Castlevania after all. I'm also worried of the possibility that instead of killing her, they make Dracula force her back into his servitude, which would also be super gross.

I am happy that the character of Carmilla lives on, that new fans get to experience her with these new incarnations, but whenever a new Carmilla surfaces, I am also a bit worried at how they are going to handle her character this time. I will have to wait and see how the third season of Castlevania ends, until then it is useless to speculate.