#like yes i crave healthy older male figures

[koukouture]

Idk what it is but like fanfics have really opened my eyes to Aymeric. Like in the MSQ I was like "Oh yeah I like him but idk I like Haurchefant more" but in the Dragonsong War questline + fanfics made me like him a lot. Like he's actually a prince I love him so very dearly. Plus he's yk actually alive so he has more fanfic potential (sorry Haurchefant you were my first love tho)

[fourfoldmom]

Guilt&Grace: Mom Guilt and Breaking Generational Curses

The other day as I sat in the recliner finally being able to breath after getting all the kids down for bed, I felt a wave of sadness and regret. The same questions rang in my head,"Could I have been a better mom today?' Could I of yelled less, and played more. Maybe I should've said yes to the mess, just for the memories. Was I too strict and need to be more lax. As these questions swirl in my head like a building tornado I start to question my own traumas. Hoping every day I don't make my children live as I did with generational curses that I try to break free of.

My mother was always a cruel woman. Mainly to us girls, which she had 3 of, but never to my brother. She never hugged us girls, never called us beautiful unless we were dressed to impress guests or strangers. She rarely said,'I love you." to us or checked on our mental health (those days that was still a subject of taboo). My brother was always important, he received the affection us girls lacked all of our lives. Being the only boy earned him an instant ticket to grace and softness. Something my two sisters and I craved but never obtained a fix for. My sisters shared a father and my brother and I shared another. As we got older each set of kids went to go live with their respective fathers never to see or speak again until adulthood. I thought when I moved in with my father at the tender age of 8, it was my chance to finally get some parental affection I only read about in books and seen other girls receive in school. I was sadly mistaken.

The treatment towards me and my brother was night and day at my fathers. My dad being a single father my entire life and no females to go to for advice, made it nearly impossible for him to relate to me as a male, and he never seemed to figure out his role as a "girl dad" either. I had to watch my brother have endless amounts of freedoms and privileges, while I was living a life closed off from a lot of healthy teenage and adolescent experiences. When I first got my menstrual, my dad treated me like I was gross, that it was something more to be hidden than to be celebrated. I couldn't blame him on that one I suppose. Clothes shopping every school year was already terrible, but it was even worse when I began to physically mature. My brother always got more leeway on the clothing he could wear, but I was stuck to graphic tee's and loose jeans so none of my growing curves would be noticeable. Up until my junior year in high school I never owned a real bra or thong, until it came to the point when I was finally able to shop on my own due to getting my first job. Dating was out of the question for me, as I watched my brother snuggle in bed when his girlfriend would come over or go to his friends houses as I was told I had no business being out after dark .Despite my father pushing me away and doting on my brother, I still idolized my father. I wanted to be a "daddies princess" so bad it crushed me when I never got to be. That trauma of never feeling good enough to my parents followed my into adulthood. I was bound and determined to never make someone else feel like I did.

I begged and pleaded into the wind when I had my first child that I would never allow myself to treat my children with such passive and callous behavior. I would do all the hugs, all the affirmations, the constant reminders that my children were important and meaningful in my life. Every new toy or trending item they wanted I would provide, no questions asked. Until the day came that he was here. I was scared to have a boy at first, but his beautiful tan skin, black hair and pout lips made him something out of a baby catalog. Beautiful, small and precious. I vowed to protect him, mentally and physically. When he turned two, I had his little sister, I was so excited, I had a boy and a girl. Now was my chance to make another human being, feel the love and admiration I always seeked! I suffered from postpartum depression after my daughter. Motivation to go the extra mile was practically non-existent, everyday was simply bare minimum survival and necessity. Things went on like that for almost a year until therapy and proper medication came into play. I finally was able to see the goal and sunshine again. As time went on i went on to have two more little girls. My home and heart were filled to the brim. I was really settling into my role as a mother and homemaker happily. Then came the divorce.

My childrens father an I met at 17 and 19. We shared the four children together and went on to get married at our 8 year mark. There were a lot of up's and down's in our marriage, which is typical. It's when it became more harmful than peaceful that it was time to call it quits at our 10 year mark. It effected me more than I anticipated and my mental health once again declined. If I wasn't busy beating myself up over the failure of my marriage, I was beating myself up about being depressed about it and not keeping my promise I made to myself and my children long ago. It was a real pitty party for awhile, until I finally got into therapy again and redid my medication. I was back to feeling A1 again.

I finally was able to keep my promise. I always remind my children of how strong, smart, funny, and beautiful they are. That their part in my life is the most important thing to me. There are days I slip and fall. Maybe I yelled all day and never said I love you. Maybe I forgot to apologize when I knew I was wrong. I could've been more involved, I could've tried a little harder, more effort, more happiness, more memory building, more time spent, more, more, more, more, more. Until I'm sitting in that recliner at the end of the night, massaging my temples replaying the day. Its like the saying goes,"I'll be okay, I just have to be dramatic first." It fits so well. I will call myself every name in the book, beat myself up; me vs me. Then when I'm done, i brush the dust off and look up to seeing one of my babies walking into the living room to give me a goodnight hug and kiss and tell me they love me, which i return the gesture with some might. I may of had a bad go at this day, but the good days out weigh these bad ones. I may be an adult, but I deserve to be graceful with myself. Im allowed to be angry, I'm allowed to be sad, exhausted, overwhelmed, over stimulated. I've cared so much for my children and their happiness and feelings that they've finally reached the age where they can radiate that love and affection freely into others when they see a need. So when I am feeling these things, they treat me the same way I treat them. With kindness, patience, understanding and love. That's how I know I broke the generational curses. They show me everyday that the chains broke with me. The links rusted, withered and flown like dust into the breeze. You don't have to be perfect, you just have to be available. Be open with your emotions, teach your children these feelings are okay, then teach them they are still loved even after. You'll be proven everyday through their actions and reactions that you're doing such an imperfectly perfect job! You've got this mama, don't let the hard days shadow all the beautiful ones to come and pass!

Until next time beebs,

Sage Summers <3

[pellicano-sanguino]

The Long Carmilla Post 2 - Return of the Long Post about the Queen of Lesbian Vampires

When Tumblr tightened its policy about censoring nudity, they targeted a long post I'd made about Carmilla, since I showed photos of Ingrid Pitt and Yutte Stensgaard with their bare breasts in it. I have now censored the post, edited it and added a little. Carmilla is my favourite vampire of all time, and I have a long history with her different incarnations, so I wanted to bring the Long Carmilla Post back.

When I first posted the Long Carmilla Post, I had just seen the movie made by the Carmilla webseries folks. The sudden fame of the webseries surprised me. I can't help but think, that there must be a lot of new Carmilla fans, who instantly think of Natasha Negovanlis when they hear that name. If this series had been around when I was a teen, damn, would I have loved it! I would have been obsessed with it. But it was not, and I can't really become as obsessed with it now as the new fans do. Because when I hear the name Carmilla, several different faces appear in my imagination. I have already been obsessed with Carmilla from a rather young age, and while I love the webseries and this movie, for me it's just one of Carmilla's newer incarnations, not her default form.

I don't want to sound like a hipster (”I liked Carmilla before the webseries made her cool!”), I just thought that as a lesbian vampire lover I should make a post about my favourite vampire, and the history I have with the character.

There are some images of blood under the cut.

When I was younger, there really wasn't any lesbian litterature around (well, there probably was but I didn't know what books to search). I had a habit of switching genders in the books I read, making everyone female so I could get the girl romances I craved for, but this always felt forced and not ”real.” I read lots of vampire stories, because I've always loved that genre, but it was very much dominated by stories of male vampires. When I read Dracula, it had a short introduction speech that talked about the history of modern vampire stories, and it mentioned Sheridan Le Fanu's Carmilla.

Tracking the novella down was a bit hard, considering that back then I didn't have internet and so could only read books that I found in the library and bookstores. Fortunately the translation of Carmilla was included in one horror anthology that our library had. I managed to get my hands on it, and this cover illustration was the first ”face” of Carmilla that I knew.

I can't really put a finger on why I became so obsessed with this story. It's not that great of a novella. A very basic old-timey vampire story about a monster who threatens the life of the protagonist, who is saved when the monster's true nature is revealed, after which it is hunted down and destroyed. And the lesbian subtext is very, very subtle. There was just something very mysterious and fascinating about Carmilla. She is still among the few vampires who actually frighten me. Though Le Fanu's story isn't very scary by modern standards, Laura's nightmare scenes somehow got under my skin. There's something very creepy in the way vampires in older stories used to steal blood from their victims while they were sleeping. The idea, that there exists a predator who instead of straight up attacking its prey, approaces it by a cover of flawless mimicry, is horrifying. You are being slowly eaten alive and you're not even aware of it happening, or that it's your charming friend doing it to you.

I started having dreams about Carmilla. The first ones were nightmares, but even if they were scary, they didn't make me anxious, just excited. I was scared of Carmilla, but I wanted to see her, I wanted to hear her voice. It was as if I had fallen under her spell, much like Laura, but unlike Laura, I was aware of her true nature. I knew what she wanted, I knew that in my dreams, her kisses would lead to bites. But to a young lesbian who loved vampire stories, those kisses were worth losing a few drops of blood in the dream kingdom. She was one of ”my people.” She was not a genderswapped male hero, she was ”real.” She genuinely loved women and blood, and I loved her.

Halloween isn't really celebrated where I live, but one October a friend of mine decided that she'd hold a Halloween party (which became a yearly tradition for us for many years to come). She invited a group of her friends to watch horror movies at her house, and everyone should wear a costume. There was no competition what I would go as. I had a light blue dress that I decorated with blood stains, and over it I wore a dark gray cape, on which I had painted purple flower patterns to make it resemble the coat Carmilla wears on the cover illustration. It must be almost twenty years old, but I still have that cape.

Little Pellicano as Carmilla. I think I must have been 13 or 14 when this party was held.

Then I saw my first Carmilla movie. A Hammer film called Vampire Lovers.

This is a very silly movie. Very cheesy. But young Pellicano loved it. I can still quote many of the scenes from memory. The movie follows LeFanu's novella rather loosely, but I think it's one of the most faithful adaptations. It included the basic ”plot” that Carmilla uses to get close to her victims, has the nightmares (including Carmilla's monstrous cat form), keeps the plot point that she must form her new names anagrammically and makes her killer be a man who lost his daughter to the vampire. So far I think it's the only movie version that includes the scene where Carmilla sees the funeral procession of a girl she killed and loses it completely. I've always found that scene interesting, many claim that her fit of anxiety is caused by hearing the chanting (being unholy creature who's weak to christian things) but I think it's more than that. Either she has horrifying flashbacks to her own funerals (waking to vampirism and having to claw her way out of her own grave, that would scar me for sure) or she is genuinely sorry for killing the girl and terrified of having to face the truth that her love will always end in death.

I want to interpret Carmilla as a vampire who really loves her victims, not as playthings but as real lovers. But she wasn't a reluctant vampire either, she embraced the monstrous side of herself. It was natural to her, and so it was inevitable that the women she loved would eventually die. Maybe she preferred to ignore this knowledge in the daytime, and when she was forced to see what her night time activities had resulted in, the fit of anxiety happened.

A bit off topic, but one scene from the novella that I've never seen make it into a movie, is when a wandering salesman offers his dentistry services to Carmilla, offering to file down her fangs, which sends Carmilla into a fit of rage. I don't know, I always thought that scene pretty funny. Poor guy, offering to de-fang a vampire and getting a HOW DARE YOU rant in response.

So, the next ”face” of Carmilla was obviously Ingrid Pitt. While this movie wasn't particularly explicit (all the sex happens off screen), the lesbian subtext was much less subtle, which pleased young Pellicano. And then there was the infamous bathing scene (would show pics, but gotta censor for Tumblr. You can easily find them by image googling.).

When I was younger, I suffered from being underweight for a long time (had always been a small girl). Seeing Ingrid Pitt's figure motivated me to try to gain weight. She was so beautifully soft and curved, not just her chest, but her shoulders and legs and everything just looked so smooth and nice, while I had thin, pointy, stick-like limbs with sharp edges and none of that lovely roundness. I know teens should not look at celebrities and actresses as body models, but I think having Ingrid Pitt's shape as body goal was healthy for me. I never reached that goal, of course, but I did eventually reach normal weight limits (50kg, the weight needed for blood donors).

That friend of mine, who hosted Halloween parties, watched the movie with me and knew that I was obsessed with Carmilla. One day she got me a fake gold necklace with a red plastic gem on it, shaped like a blood drop. I don't know where she got this trinket from, but it was similar to the pendant Carmilla wears in the movie, and even if it was just cheap junk, I treasured it. And totally wore it during the next Halloween party, going as Carmilla like I always did. I've lost the gold chain, but I still have the gem.

Also still have the VHS. I don't know why I've kept it, I have no VHS player anymore.

Before I move on from Ingrid Pitt, I’d like to mention a pet peeve of mine. Ingrid Pitt has done two vampire roles (three if Elisabeth Bathory from Countess Dracula is counted). The more famous role is obviously Carmilla, it’s probably her most famous role ever, period. Her other vampire role is Carla Lynde from House that Dripped Blood. Now, the thing that annoys me is that article writers tend to always mix these two up. Whenever they write something about Carmilla or female vampires in general, they always mention Ingrid Pitt’s role as Carmilla in Vampire Lovers, but they always use the same damn stupid promo photo that is from House that Dripped Blood. That’s lazy research! Do they just image google “Ingrid Pitt vampire” and fail to check if the photo they use is actually from the movie they’re talking about?! The roles don’t even look identical, Carmilla’s a brunette while Carla Lynde is blonde, Vampire Lovers is set in 1800s, House that Dripped Blood is set in 20th century. The worst one was when the museum in my home city had a vampire themed exhibition and even they used the wrong photo for Vampire Lovers. If a museum can’t get their facts straight, that’s just sad.

Here is an example of my pet peeve in action, an article about vampire movies, using the wrong fucking photo for Vampire Lovers. And yes, I know why they like using this particular photo (”höhöhöö boobs, I’m so mature”). But that just makes me more angry when they do it.

Hammer made a sequel to Vampire Lovers called Lust for a Vampire. It was...  disappointing. It introduced a male love interest for Carmilla, which in my opinion was complete bullshit. If you want to make a story about a female vampire who falls in love with a human boy, by all means make it, but don't call it Carmilla, call it something else. That being said, there were a good amount of lesbian action going on as well (this time Carmilla plotted her way into an all girls' school...) and if there's one thing Hammer rarely fails at delivering, it's the bucketloads of unconvincing bright red fake blood. I skipped the icky het sex, but always enjoyed this scene:

Yeah, Yutte Stensgaard was the third ”face” of Carmilla. When I think of that name, this blood-covered, sleepy-looking vampire maiden is among the images that instantly pop into my mind.

The third Carmilla movie I saw was titled just Carmilla and starred Meg Tilly.

This was clearly a cheaper (maybe made for TV) adaptation. Meg Tilly didn't leave as big an impression as Ingrid Pitt and Yutte Stensgaard did. But I do remember one line from the movie clearly. When Marie (the southerner ”Laura” of this version) asks about Carmilla's past, Carmilla brushes it aside by saying ”That was another lifetime. I'm much happier now.” I adopted this phrase into use. Whenever people are unknowingly asking about a painful thing from my past that I don't want to talk about, I will say it to let them know that nothing good comes from digging old wounds that have already scarred. That was another lifetime. I'm much happier now.

I do remember that Meg Tilly's Carmilla was the movie with the ”awkward floaty blood drinking pose.”

I'm sorry, but that just doesn't look comfortable. Or functional.

Then the big day came – my family got a computer that could access internet. It was an awful piece of junk that could barely be used for writing emails and visiting messageboards. It wouldn't play videos, loading images took forever and big pictures often made it freeze. However, I had access to the internet now. The first word I ever googled was obviously ”carmilla.” Among the sites I found back then, was one about a German play, starring a woman called Ulrike Schneidewind.

The site had big, beautiful promo photos of the play. They took forever to load, but I returned to watch them often. There was something captivating in Ulrike Schneidewind's look for Carmilla. I'm not usually a fan of vampires with the white face+red lipstick+loads of mascara-look, but hers was beautiful, like a painting, like a creature that really wasn't human.

I don’t know if they used fake blood in the actual play or if it was only for these promo photos, but it looks incredibly pretty and surprisingly convincing.

I have no idea what this demon looking thing is supposed to be - Carmilla’s monstrous cat form maybe?

Ulrike Schneidewind became the next ”face” of Carmilla, even though I have never seen her act. All I've seen are these promo photos of the play (I have heard her speak. There's a couple minutes long news clip on Youtube about a vampire lifestyler event she attended). Supposedly there exists a VHS of the Carmilla play they performed on a Romanian tour, but they must have only made a handful of those, since I've never seen it on sale anywhere. I check the German eBay every now and then in faint hopes of finding a copy but I've come to accept that I'll probably never see this show. But still, Ulrike Schneidewind's look left an impression on my mind.

Around those times I started to draw comics in which my self-insert character shared a house with six vampire roommates (Carmilla, who owned the house, Brunhilda from Wake Not the Dead, Teresa from Last Lords of Gardonal, Ruthven, Dracula and Francis Varney) and an OC named Charity (Brunhilda's donor and girlfriend). I mostly pulled the designs for my vampires out of thin air, really (well, Dracula was as he was descrided in the novel, with fuzzy moustache and bushy eyebrows) but Carmilla's design was based on Ulrike Schneidewind's look, with blue veins shining through the white skin and lots of dark makeup and black hair.

Sad part is that it's been over ten years and my drawing skills have not improved at all. This is not ”art” this is doodles. But drawing these was super fun back then, so I shouldn't feel ashamed of them now, I think.

Besides these comics, I wrote some fanfics too. But I'm very glad I never put those anywhere public, because damn, they are embarrassing to read now. It's because my fanfics were actually serious business, full of drama and sturm und drang, and they turned out rather cheesy. Also full of, ahem, erotic content written by someone who had no personal experience on the subject yet. The comics on the other hand were just made for shits and giggles, and I think they've survived the test of time better (by which I mean, that I have actually shown my comics to other people, because occasionally I think I made a fun one, while I've never shown my fics to anyone and have already burned the worst ones.).

When the wonderland of internet was opened to me, I gained access to all the books in the world. I was no longer restricted by what our library and book stores had, I could buy stuff that wasn't published here. So obviously I got a copy of Kyle Marffin's Carmilla sequel. It's not a very good book. Quite silly, childish and badly written (men really shouldn't write about lesbians, they know nothing about them and enjoying an erotic scene becomes rather hard when you imagine some gross het dude writing it while drooling on his keyboard). But it was the first time I read a rather explicit lesbian sex scene, and that got me very excited, because finally all the subtext was thrown to garbage. Here it was, black on white, proof that Carmilla was into girls, not just their blood but their bodies as well. My late discovery of lesbian erotica may seem weird now, when anyone can gain access to mountains of lesbian smut in the internet, but back when I lived with my parents I never dared to look up smut on the home computer, in fear that they'd find out. Until I moved out, my only access to lesbian erotica was books, and Carmilla's Return was the first one I got.

Rant time: I might also add, that annoyingly enough I had been encountering explicit het sex scenes in books, movies and TV years before. And while I never intentionally searched naughty stuff on the net, I had bumped into het porn there accidentally as well. I wonder if heteros understand how freaking frustrating this kind of thing was. Their smut was all over the place, in every book, every film and all around the net, pretty much rubbed to my face, while MY stuff was so obscure I didn't even know where to look for it. And then they had the nerve to claim that we are ”flaunting it” and ”making it all about ourselves” whenever there was a gay sidecharacter somewhere. Grr. Grrr. Rant over.

I bumped into some incarnations of Carmilla later too, but none left an impression on my mind like these early ones did. The worst Carmilla I ever saw was the main villain in Lesbian Vampire Killers. That movie is easily the worst vampire movie I have ever seen (maybe even the worst movie I've seen, period), it's an ”erotic horror comedy” that is neither sexy, scary or funny. It is nice that when they were thinking of a character to star in a movie about lesbian vampires, they chose Carmilla. But the movie is such utter garbage, I'd rather they'd left my favourite vampire out of it. Save your money and sanity -  don't watch this movie. It's bad.

I feel like a lot of time people want to take Carmilla's name and make a whole new character with it (like Reimi Urara's character in Vampire Succession, who is named Carmilla but isn't even a vampire at all). These ”Carmilla in name only” kind of characters don't count, and frankly speaking I'm not that fond of them. I guess it is nice that people want to pay respect to the legendary vampire by naming a character after her, but my opinion still is that if you don't want to tell the story of a lesbian vampire, call your character something else. If you take away either of Carmilla's two passions; that of women or that of blood, the character loses her trademark characteristics and stops being ”real.” You don't make a Godzilla movie where the king of the monsters isn't allowed to have his trademark atomic breath, and you don't make a Carmilla who doesn't love women and blood.

Now that I have said that, you probably guess my opinion about the (*spoilers*) ending of the webseries's third season. Yeah, I wasn't a fan of humanizing Carmilla. So, I went to see the movie with rather low expectations, and was pleasantly surprised. This movie is more Carmilla than all of the webseries's seasons together.

But let's speak about the webseries first. I was very positively surprised by it. One day I ended up googling Carmilla again (was probably looking for fanfics) and discovered this little gem. It had very little to do with Le Fanu's original, but what it decided to change was so good that I didn't care. And it had still lots of little nods to the novella. Carmilla's anagrammical names, the nightmares, they freaking included Laura's governesses De Lafontaine and Perrodon (I would totally watch a spin-off that just follows the adventures of Laf and Perry) and there's even a scene where Carmilla is watching over sleeping Laura, looking a bit similar to a famous illustration of the novella. Also, the theme song ”Love will have it's sacrifices”, is a direct quote, from a scene where Carmilla is describing to Laura the night when the curse of vampirism was passed on to her (of course, she doesn't out right say it, but the reader knows what she's talking about).

”--- I was all but assassinated in my bed, wounded here," she touched her breast, "and never was the same since."

"Were you near dying?"

"Yes, very--a cruel love--strange love, that would have taken my life. Love will have its sacrifices. No sacrifice without blood.---”

I'm not going to say the webseries doesn't have its flaws, a little lazy writing here and there, plot holes and inconsistent characters occasionally (I feel sorry for Danny. She just can't win.). But it was incredibly entertaining, it made me laugh and it made me care about what happens to everyone. And like probably a lot of the fans, I adored the fact that they didn't dance around the lesbian thing. When Laura understands that Carmilla's advances weren't blood-related, her reaction isn't any dumb ”But we're both girls, how can this be?!” Whoever understood to make Laura gay too was a genius. When she gets all flattered and blushing after learning that a beautiful girl finds her attractive, it's such a relatable feeling. It's the lesbian romance I so wanted as a teen! Not stories of a predatory lesbian seducing dumb clueless het girls to the dark side, but girls experiencing all the usual things female leads in romantic stories do, only with another girl as their love interest.

The first season of the webseries is my favourite. The second was pretty good, too. Third, in my opinion, a bit unnecessary (here I think you could see the writing starting to slip). Then came the movie.

They could have completely abandoned the vampire theme and proceeded with the heroes' further adventures. But they didn't and thank goodness for it. They return to draw inspiration from the original source; the novella. We have nightmares, and I admit they actually made me uneasy, reminding me of that creepy feel Laura's dream scenes gave me in the novella. The image of Carmilla laying down in a coffin filled with blood is also from the story. There's a scene where Carmilla is forced to reveal her vampiric nature, and it really reminds me of the scene where it happens in the book.  

And they freaking quote it, probably being the first adaptation ever to use straight quotes from the book. ”Die together so they can live together”-speech isn't quite right word-to-word, I think, but still, it's an identifiable quote. I used to be able to quote the ”You are mine, you shall be mine”-speech in English, Swedish and German, but have now forgotten most versions (yeah, I read Carmilla in several languages when I was younger. I was freaking obsessed with the story). I still think it's the most memorable quote from the novella. Also, the book-reading scene with ”Girls are caterpillars who undergo several larval stages before becoming butterflies”-speech is also from the novella. I think the only famous quote missing in this movie is the ”I've never been in love and never shall unless it should be with you”-speech.

As a fan of the ”old” Carmilla I adore how they pay homage to the origin respectfully, while still making their very own story. Again, teenaged Pellicano would have been all over this stuff. But I had to make my lesbian vampire stories from other versions, and while those also have their flaws, I adore them just as much. I am just happy that Carmilla lives on, not forgotten and left in the shadow of the countless more famous male vampires (seriously, where the fuck are all the female vampires? Ones that are actually main characters in their story and pass the freaking vampiric Bechdel test?)

Carmilla lives on, indeed. She has made a new comeback in Netflix's Castlevania series. I watched the first season and liked it quite a bit. It was a bit too gorey for my personal taste, but that wasn’t a dealbreaker. I liked the art style and was interested to see where they take the story. When I heard rumours that the second season would have a character named Carmilla, my reaction was pretty much “Carmilla is part of the Castlevania franchise?! Why did no one tell me this before?!”

Of course I’m always eager to see new adaptations of my favourite vampire. So, I did some research to know which games she appears in, made some popcorn and sat down to watch some Let’s Play videos (I’m not a gamer and don’t own game consoles so the only way I get to experience videogames is through Let’s Plays in Youtube.). But I ended up rather disappointed. Carmilla in the Castlevania games is cartoonishly silly at best, downright insulting to the original at worst.

So, after seeing how poorly the games treated my favourite vampire, I looked forward to the second season of the Netflix series with mixed feelings. I was hopeful, thinking that they can't go anywhere but up from here. And I was pleasantly surprised. The character design made her a bit silly looking with eeeevil face and her body language is very femme fatale-ish (I don’t really see the appeal of the femme fatale trope, but then again, it’s usually written for male audience), but they didn't put her in an ugly, revealing costume and the camera focused on her face instead of her breasts.

It's disappointing that she isn't a lesbian in this one (she makes one joke that hints she might be into girls too, but because Dracula's war council is mostly one big sausage fest, we don't see her interact with other females much).

I am so, so happy that the makers of the show understood that Carmilla is not some boot-licking notice-me-senpai Dracula fangirl (an aspect of her I loathed in the games). The only reasons for a lesbian vampire to ally with a male one are if they have a common goal (such as defending themselves against vampire hunters) or if she has no other choice. Netflix Carmilla is the latter. Dracula is a powerful, dangerous monster, who is also very much insane and therefore unpredictable. When he summons Carmilla to join his senseless crusade against humankind, Carmilla can't afford to refuse and take the chance of the mad vampire king killing her for disobedience and making a warning example of her. She has to go to war she herself deems pointless (well, Godbrand had a point in his ”If vampires kill all the humans, what will the vampires eat?”-speech.). So she begins to plot to prevent the genocide (she actually wants humankind to keep existing as opposed to wiping them from the face of the Earth, remind me again why she is the one every fan hates while they love Dracula the Kill All Humans-madman? Oh right, she assaults one of the male fan favourite characters on screen and is therefore deemed much more evil than Dracula who slaughters countless innocent humans offscreen without mercy. Got it.).

I love that she uses cunning instead of seduction when putting her plot to gain freedom from Dracula's servitude in action. Admittedly, some of the scenes where she's manipulating Hector seem a bit seductive-ish, but are still nothing compared to the ”Oh great master let me lick the blood off your sword!”-bullshit from the games. Also, was I the only one who could see right through her mindgames? Every time she complimented some man, I was shaking my head ”Lady, even blind Reetta can see that you are full of shit.” So it really surprised me when Hector fell for it. How do you fall for such an obvious trap?

I like that Carmilla's reasons for her schemes are reasonable and based on common sense and war strategy rather than just being evil for the sake of being evil. That being said, the scene where she beats Hector felt unnecessary, the man was tied up and would have gone with her even without getting his ass handed to him, because he's a prisoner and has no choice. I understand that it's an important scene symbolically, tying back to the scene where the animal-loving Hector compares vampires to cats, to which Isaac points out that cats play cruelly with their prey. It's a turning point for Hector, who abandoned humanity and tried to find a new family among monsters only to realize that they are, well, monsters. What did you expect voting for Leopards Eating Peoples' Faces Party would bring to you? Anyway, I understand that the scene is important to the plot and character growth, but I can't help but feel that making Carmilla assault a fan favourite character so brutally was the writers way of making sure the audience hates her. I have a feeling that they want to be sure the audience hates her, because they have something disgusting in mind for her for the third season.

I already talked about this in my ”If you have to kill female vampires on screen, please don't make it look like a rape”-post. I am worried what they are going to do with Carmilla. She's obviously going to get killed, but I hope they allow her to go down with dignity. Lords of Shadows 2 already gave us a really disgusting, rapey killing scene (I’ve only seen one killing scene with an even clearer “lesbianism can be cured by rape”-theme, in Lesbian Vampire Killers where Carmilla is impaled by a dick-shaped sword), we do not need another. I don't want Hector or Isaac or Dracula impaling her body slowly and looking downward at her in disgust as she painfully dies. Yes, Dracula will be coming back, it's Castlevania after all. I'm also worried of the possibility that instead of killing her, they make Dracula force her back into his servitude, which would also be super gross.

I am happy that the character of Carmilla lives on, that new fans get to experience her with these new incarnations, but whenever a new Carmilla surfaces, I am also a bit worried at how they are going to handle her character this time. I will have to wait and see how the third season of Castlevania ends, until then it is useless to speculate.

[i-write-for-all-soulmates]

Little Miracle

Square-Filled: MPreg Ship: Sabriel (Sam/Gabriel) Rating: T (mostly for Language) Warnings: Fluff, no smut, implied male pregnancy Summary: Sam stared at the pregnancy test, finding it harder to swallow than before as he looked at the small white plus sign. Word Count: 2590 Tags: Worried Sam, Conflicted Sam, MPreg, Pregnant Sam, Supportive Gabriel

Read on AO3 or FF.Net

Sam found himself, once again, head down in the toilet as yesterdays dinner decided to make a reappearance. He shuddered with pain, feeling his stomach cramp horrendously as he tried straightening his back from it’s hunched position. The stench of his own sick made his sensitive belly revolt and he lurched forward with another round of watery puke.

A cool hand on the back of his warm neck helped Sam calm down as he tried regaining his breath. Gabriel’s specific cinnamony scent washed over him as the older male pulled him close and rubbed his chest.

“Think you’re coming down with a bug?” Gabriel asked softly, his free hand moving down to feel Sam’s stomach and massaging the tense muscle.

Sam whined in relief as he felt it uncurl and the urge to get sick went away. He swore Gabriel had to have magic fingers or something.

“No...Must’ve been something I ate,” The younger male denied, leaning his head back so it rested on Gabriel’s shoulder. The blonde chuckled worriedly, wiping at Sam’s sweaty bangs.

“S’what you said yesterday, kiddo.”

“Nah uh...”

“Yeah huh.”

Gabriel helped heave Sam up which was a miracle of its own, given the big height difference. Sam sighed as nice, cool covers were put over him and a tender kiss on his temple.

“I think I should call Cas,” Gabriel’s voice rumbled in Sam’s ear.

“No...he’s probably busy saving lives,” Sam huffed.

Castiel, or Cas for short, was Gabriel’s younger brother. He was a weird guy but with a big heart. Cas was also the youngest Doctor in California and was gonna move forward to being a surgeon but fell in love with the Pediatric ward. So, Cas went back to learn what he could about caring for children and became the best Pediatrician anyone’s ever known. Sam would hate to bother him with a little stomach bug that would go away on its own.

“Come on, Sammy. Just let him give you a look over, a checkup. For me?”

Sam pouted as Gabriel used his own version of puppy eyes, Sam had deemed kitten eyes since Gabriel was more like a cat than a mutt. The blonde smirked as he realized he won this round and pecked Sam’s lips, hurrying off to make a call.

Sam curled up on the bed, eyes falling shut seconds later despite his best efforts to stay awake. A soft hand on his forehead woke Sam and familiar blue eyes gazed at him with concern. It only took a second later for Sam to realize Gabriel wasn’t in the room but from the sounds from the kitchen, he found his lover quiet easily.

“Hey Cas,” Sam smiled, sitting up.

“Hello Sam,” Cas stated, looking through his bag. “It seems you are not well?”

“That’s what you’re supposed to tell me, doc.”

“Sometimes, the patients know more than the doctors,” Cas smiled and took his temperature, humming at the 99.3 staring back at him. “Low-grade fever, probably just from all the vomiting. Let me check your ears.”

Sam let Castiel look around his inner ear and wrinkled his nose as Cas sighed, not finding an issue. He stared at Sam, wondering what could cause the young man to puke every morning for 3 weeks. 

“Sam,” Cas asked suddenly. “Does your stomach hurt on any specific side?”

“Uh, no,” Sam responded, looking a little confused. “Cramps come and go as they please but they don’t stay on a specific side.”

“Alright. May I ask you some personal questions?”

“Sure.”

“When was the last time you had gone through coitus?” Castiel asked with a serious expression.

Sam sputtered in surprise, cheeks flushing a pretty delicate pink. “Uh...”

“It is very important that you tell me, Sam.”

“Two, three weeks ago we had, uh, penetration sex,” Sam admitted. “We haven’t done anything lately because of my stomach problem.”

Castiel studied Sam curiously before rummaging through his bag again, pulling out three different items, all covered in plastic wrapping.

“Have you had any mood swings, felt any cravings, headaches?”

“I’ve been craving pickles,” Sam shrugged. At Castiel’s look, Sam elaborated, “I hate pickles.”

“Sam...” Cas started, looking for a way to phrase this. “Sam, do you think you could take these tests for me?”

Sam took the tests, eyes widening in shock, “Pregnancy tests? You want me to take a pregnancy test? That...That isn’t possible, I can’t be pregnant!”

“It is entirely possible, given the time you engaged in coitus to now with morning sickness, body cramps, and mood swings; all which are clear signs of pregnancy.”

Sam felt sick to his stomach again but Castiel guided him to the bathroom and patted his shoulder.

“Whatever happens, I will support you!”

Sam nodded hesitantly, walking into the bathroom and locking the door.

“No way,” He mumbled to himself. “I can’t be pregnant...”

Sam read the directions carefully, peeing on all three sticks and laying them on the counter as he tried to ignore the little voice telling him you’re pregnant!

The timer went off and Sam took a breath, peeking at one of the tests. His breath caught in his throat, disbelief rippling through him. Sam stared at the pregnancy test, finding it hard to swallow as he looked down at the white plus sign. With a look at the other two, Sam tensed as they were all positive.

“No...nonononono,” Sam rubbed his face, hands touching his belly soothingly. He gathered the tests and pushed the door open, intent to ask Castiel for help when he realized Gabriel was back in the room.

“Sammich!” Gabe grinned softly. “You feeling better?”

“I’m pregnant,” Sam blurted out, never able to hide anything from his lover. 

Gabriel and Castiel stared at him with wide eyes, trying to comprehend what he just said though Cas looked more knowing than surprised.

Sam glanced at the tests in his hands and back up at the two brothers, “The test...was positive...all three of them...”

“You’re pregnant?” Gabe whispered, coming closer. He pressed his hand against Sam’s stomach and looked up at his lover. “You’re gonna have our baby?”

“Until Sam gets a proper ultrasound, we can assume that yes. He is pregnant. Congratulations,” Castiel said warmly, putting his stuff away. 

Gabriel’s shocked looked morphed into a wide smile, “We’re probably gonna be parents.”

Sam was surprised he was taking it so well and found himself smiling as well, “Yeah...we are!”

Gabriel tugged Sam down into a kiss, both of them smiling into it and creating an awkward position but neither cared. This was the start of a new chapter in their lives and Sam realized he couldn’t wait.

It was a couple days later when they were able to book an appointment for an ultrasound (Sam suspected Cas had something to do with it). Sam and Gabriel were nervous that maybe Sam wasn’t pregnant at all but Castiel assured them that all three tests were most accurate on the market.

Gabriel kissed Sam’s knuckles, drawing the younger man out of his thoughts. He smiled kindly at him and waited patiently for their doctor to begin the ultrasound. They were in for a surprise when Jessica Moore, an old college buddy of Sam’s, walked in with a beam.

“Little birdy told me you might be pregnant!” Jess giggled, hugging Sam tightly.

After getting over his initial shock of seeing her again, he hugged her back with a beam, “Yeah. Fingers crossed though.”

She nodded and shook hands with Gabriel before having Sam lay down, shirtless. She smeared some cold gel on his tummy and rubbed the wand into the goo. Seconds later, an image appeared on the screen as Jess started looking for the baby. Nothing showed up at first, discouraging the two potential parents.

“There’s the little nugget,” Jess snorted, pointing at a small dot on the screen.

“That’s our baby?” Sam asked in awe, looking at the small dot and feeling uncontrollable love for it grow.

“Yep! He was playing hide an seek.”

Gabriel kissed Sam’s temple, eyes never straying from the image. Unfortunately, they had to stop the ultrasound, though Jess printed off a picture for them. 

“M’proud of you guys. You’ll make awesome parents!” The blonde woman said fondly, waving them out.

After that, the two lovers started reading up on everything they could on taking care of a child. Gabriel also seemed to grow a fascination with Sam’s tummy, often talking to the being growing inside there. The older male started making Sam take all of his medicine and vitamins, never letting Sam forget or skip a day. He made sure the younger male ate the right foods and take care of him when Sam was feeling back.

Once morning sickness passed, Gabriel took care of the cravings Sam got almost right after. Even the disgusting combinations like pickles and peanut butter, or Cheetos puffs in a milkshake with chocolate sauce.

Sam was grateful to have Gabe in his life, accommodating him like he did. He tried not to take advantage but Gabriel always responded with I want to do this, so Sam doesn’t stop him.

Around month 3, Sam starts showing a baby bump. He misses his lean figure but was happy the baby was growing healthy inside him. Dean, though a little pissed at only just being told about Sam being pregnant, already started playing Black Sabbath amongst other things to his brother’s baby.

“They have to have better taste than you, Sammy,” Dean snorted with an eye roll which made Sam pout.

Months turned into more months when finally, Sam felt a rather harsh kick which made him yelp loudly.

“Sam?” Gabriel asked worriedly, gripping his bicep as Sam hunched over.

“I’m good,” Sam assured him. “I think we’re gonna have a soccer star, geezus this baby can kick!”

“They kicked?” Gabriel gaped, pressing his warm hands on Sam’s stomach. a few seconds later, a much milder kick came.

“Oh, I see. You already like Daddy more than me, huh?” Sam teased his baby, getting a flutter of kicks following. “They sooooo take after you!”

Gabriel rolled his eyes and pressed a series of kisses against Sam’s belly in apology.

Only a couple months later and it seemed the baby was growing stronger and healthier every day. Sam didn’t want to know the gender until the baby was born so Gabriel and Dean created a unisex room. The walls were a light mint green with white trim. Gabriel, who was an art major, drew a beautiful mural of angels watching over where the crib would be.

It was funny trying to watch Gabriel and Dean try to put it all together.

Reaching the 9th month, Sam was due any day now. The baby was gonna be born in April, just as Spring starts to really appear.

“That’d be a cute name for a girl,” Sam mused, tracing his large belly. “April.”

“Here that Bambi?” Gabe said to Sam’s belly. “Mommy thinks you’re gonna be a girl but Daddy thinks you’re gonna be a boy, right?”

Sam snorted, slapping Gabriel’s shoulder lightly. Gabriel had started calling Sam, Mommy, during the beginning of his pregnancy and it seemed to have stuck some.

“I like Tucker,” Gabriel hummed. “Tucker or Lance.”

“Lance? Like from King Arthur?” Sam smiled. Gabriel beamed and kissed his cheek.

“You do love those stories.”

“Avalon is another good name for a girl.”

“There he goes again! Silly, Mommy,” Gabe cooed.

Sam can honestly say he had never been as happy as he was in that moment.

Days continued to go by when finally, while Sam was washing dishes, a large spasm of pain contracted from his lower belly. Sam cried out in surprise, clutching his stomach.

“Fuck,” He muttered, grabbing his phone and calling Castiel. “I uh I think I might be having a baby now?”

Stay calm, we will have a room ready for when you arrive. Where is Gabriel?

“Out getting g-groceries,” Sam grunted, still winded from his contraction.

Call him and come to the hospital when you can.

“Kay,” Sam agreed and hung up, glaring at his stomach. “You couldn’t have waited five more minutes? I almost broke Dean’s batman mug!”

The baby kicked in response making Sam grunt and mumble under his breath. He called Gabriel who, fortunately, was leaving the grocery store. Twenty minutes later, Gabriel arrived back home, pressing a kiss to Sam’s lips than his belly.

“Cas said to come in when I can,” Sam said softly, a bit nervous. It was a known fact that male carries, like Sam, had to get C-Sections since they don’t have a birth canal like woman do. Sam wasn’t looking forward to being cut open but didn't care as long as his baby came through.

“We should head over now so you can relax a little before they do the surgery,” Gabe said, scooping Sam up and helping him to the car. Once he sat down, Sam curled over as another contraction hit him. He didn't like how close together they seemed.

Gabriel ran his hand soothingly over Sam’s back and drove to the hospital, speeding down the road. When they arrived, Jess was waiting for them and brought Sam to his room, hooking him up to an IV drip and pushed some anesthesia into it to help Sam relax.

“Baby...my baby....”

“We can start now before the contractions get too painful,” A deep voice said that was vaguely familiar. Sam saw Gabriel give him a soft smile before he felt himself fall completely under.

When Sam woke up again, he felt tired, sore and empty. His stomach was no longer as round and he realized he no longer had his baby in him. Sam’s eyes sought out Gabe and froze, widening in awe.

Gabriel was holding a small bundle in his arms, gently talking to it while he swayed. Sam’s heart swelled with love and it grew when Gabriel kissed their little baby’s head.

“Look, darlin’. Mommy’s awake,” Gabe mumbled, noticing Sam staring. He walked over to Sam’s side, showing the small pink face with a cute button nose and light freckles on her cheeks. She had a tuff of blonde hair on her head and Sam fell in love immediately.

“Hey sweetheart,” Sam cooed to the baby. She reacted to his voice and turned toward him. Sam traced her face with his pointer finger, letting her suck on it. “Did you name her?” He asked Gabe, not looking up.

“Bambi and I decided to wait till you woke up.”

Sam smiled, pressing a soft kiss to their little girl’s forehead.

“Avalon Mary Novak,” Sam hummed. “Welcome to our crazy life, baby girl.”

“Eh, we’re not so bad, Bambi,” Gabriel corrected with a chuckle at Sam’s bitchface.

A knock on the door made them look up, Jess peeking in.

“We have a whole bunch of anxious big brothers waiting to see their niece!” She giggled.

Sam looked down at Avalon, grinning when her little eyes peeked open to show expressive green-blue orbs. “Time to meet your family, Our Little Miracle.”