#like years ago when i went on a cruise with my mom and such

[pain-is-too-tired]

My sister I believe was the one who taught me to use YouTube to mp3 to download music and such(something I use especially for edits I make. )

And she learned this from a writing teacher we both had (bless his soul,may he be in the best afterlife rn)

So yeah. Kids aren't gonna learn if we don't teach them. It's the same thing with stuff like cursive and certain bits of internet and recent history that we experienced but they didn't. It's our job to teach, or not be shocked they don't know somthing that's not taught.

[steddieas-shegoes]

reunited

for @corrodedcoffinfest prompt 'back to indiana'

rated t | 939 words | cw: minor language | tags: famous corroded coffin, established steddie, uncle wayne is the best, steve harrington gets migraines in every universe, modern era

🏡🏡🏡🏡🏡🏡🏡🏡🏡🏡🏡🏡🏡

All of them had agreed that going back to Indiana was necessary for the tour, but they didn't expect to sell out the Ruoff within two days of their tickets being on sale. They broke a record for the venue, and a record for themselves with the largest crowd at any of their shows.

But being back in Indiana was bittersweet.

They all hated it, Eddie most of all, but it's where they became Corroded Coffin, it's where their families were. And apparently a lot of their fans.

They refused to go back to Hawkins, though. Their families would have to come to them.

The show was crazy, but they knew it would be. They added four songs to their setlist and did three songs as their encore instead of just one. It ended up being a two hour show, and by the time they stepped offstage, they were all feeling exhausted.

Adrenaline didn't hit the same anymore for them, not since their second tour. They still got hyped up, still jumped around the stage, running around cables and speakers for the duration of their set. But they no longer stayed up for hours after, still buzzing from the electricity in their veins. They were used to it now.

They were older, too. Eddie and Frankie hit 30 a few months ago, Jeff and Gareth not far behind. They still felt young most of the time, but the summer heat and constant cardio was catching up to them quicker than it used to.

"Do you think our families will be disappointed if we fall asleep waiting for them?" Gareth asked from the floor. He already had his eyes closed, sweat dripping onto the carpet under him.

"None of them just did a two hour show so they have no right to judge." Jeff sipped from the water bottle he'd just grabbed from the cooler. They hardly even drank beer after shows anymore, hating the way it made them feel bloated when they were trying to fall asleep.

"I worked 14 to 16 hour shifts six days a week to make sure you ate your Honeycombs every morning, though," Wayne says as he walks into their dressing room. Eddie jumps up from his seat on the coffee table and runs to him, suddenly full of energy. "Alright, alright. Take it easy on me. I'm an old man."

"Missed you." Eddie keeps hugging him as everyone else's families walk into the room and receive similar greetings.

They were riding a fame high, and breaks were almost impossible, so most visits were their families coming to see them in New York over Christmas or that one week they had off in the summer and they all went on a cruise. Only Jeff had been back to Hawkins, and it was only for one night in between shows nearly a year ago.

"Missed you too, kid. You doin' okay?" Wayne pulled away to look him over, nodding to himself. "You look good."

"I eat at least two vegetables a day. I even remember to shower most of the time," Eddie says proudly. "We all try to take care of ourselves."

"And that has nothin' to do with Steve constantly breathin' down your necks?" Wayne's brow raises in question. "Where's he at anyway? Thought I'd get to hug my son-in-law."

"Migraine."

"Ah." Wayne nods in understanding. "Does he need anything?"

"Nah, he's all set. He probably wouldn't mind you stopping by the bus to say hi."

"Maybe in a bit."

They continued talking for a few minutes before the entire group started chatting about the show and checking in with each other.

Steve came hobbling in about a half an hour later, apologizing for being late, still looking like he needed to sleep it off.

"Hey, sweetheart. You didn't have to come in here," Eddie said as he wrapped an arm around his waist. "We were just heading out."

"'s fine. Wanted to say hi." Steve gave Wayne a long hug before resting his head on Eddie's shoulder. "My mom called. Heard you were close. Wants to meet up."

"Do we have to?" Eddie whined.

Wayne smacked his arm. "Don't be rude."

"She's so mean, Wayne!" Eddie continues. "Last time we met up for dinner, she said she was happy that I was becoming interested in birds and when I asked where she got that idea, she said it was because I was clearly trying to build a home out of my hair for them."

Steve and Wayne snorted.

"She ain't wrong." Wayne patted his shoulder. "We gettin' breakfast in the mornin' before you head out?"

"We should all go out!" Gareth's mom exclaims, clapping her hands in excitement. "We so rarely all get to see each other."

"That sounds great," Jeff's mom nods as Frankie's mom gives a thumbs up.

Steve looks around the room, rubbing his forehead as he counts. "I'll call around."

"Oh honey, we don't need reservations." Frankie's mom says.

"When you travel with these guys, you do. We'll have to close down a restaurant. It'll be chaos if we don't," Steve explains. "It's no big deal. I'll text everyone the info."

"Even here?" Gareth's mom asked, looking concerned.

"Especially here." Steve grimaces and Eddie calls it a night.

"You boys wanna stay with me tonight?" Wayne asks.

It's really not a far drive to his house, barely even an hour. Steve needs a real bed, which Wayne has in his guest room.

"Yeah, let's crash at yours." Eddie agrees.

"Good to have ya home, boys." Wayne smiles at them as he leads them out the door and back home.

[loulovingho]

In This My Weakness

Summary: A week before the wedding, Buck gets a devastating call that his parents won't be coming.

read below or on ao3. I'm thinking of making a part two as well, but this fic can be read alone.

Tommy could tell something was wrong before Buck even hung up the phone. His smile had all but disappeared and the gleam that was usually always in his eyes was now replaced by a cloud of darkness.

Tommy's arm instinctually reached out to rest on the back of the couch, giving Buck the perfect spot to fall into. “What's wrong?” he asked, Buck gripping his phone tightly, staring down at it.

“They're uh- they're not coming,” Buck answered, his voice cracking.

Tommy was confused. He hadn't actually heard the phone call. Buck had been in the kitchen of their new place when he answered, then quickly stepped outside. Tommy had only been reading his facial expressions through the glass door.

“Who's not coming where?” he asked slowly.

Buck sighed. He bit the bottom of his lip before responding. Tommy knew that was something he'd do when he was trying not to let his emotions take over. “Mom and dad,” he replied, “to the wedding. They're not- um, they're not coming to the wedding.”

“What?!” Tommy turned to better face Buck on the couch. “What do you mean they're not coming to the wedding, Evan?”

Buck shrugged. Tommy knew he was barely holding it together, trying to play it down, make it seem like it didn't bother him as much as it really did. But, at least to Tommy, Buck was a terrible liar.

“Evan, honey, speak to me, please. Why aren't your parents coming to our wedding?”

Another shrug, but Buck looked away from his phone this time. He glanced over at Tommy, who could now see the redness in his eyes. He was fighting to keep the tears away.

“They, um, th- they said they had planned a cruise like a year ago and forgot until now, apparently.”

Tommy ran his hands through his hair, eyes wide, feeling more confused now than before. “I'm sorry, what? Evan, that doesn't make any sense.”

“I guess they didn't get insurance for the cruise, so if they cancel they don't get their money back, and they completely forgot until they got a reminder email this morning.” Buck shook his head and let out a laugh. “I guess I shouldn't be surprised.”

“No, you should very much be surprised. They can't get money back for a cruise so they cancel on their son's wedding? This doesn't make any sense. Should I call them? I'll call them.”

As Tommy went to reach for his phone, Buck laid a hand over his, stopping him. “No, Tommy, don't. I- I really appreciate it, but it's fine. Really. I'm fine.”

Buck patted Tommy's hand, then got up and started making his way back into the kitchen. He had been in the middle of cleaning some things up when he got the call, so he needed to go finish that.

Except, at least to Tommy, the conversation was very far from over. So he got up as well and followed Buck.

“I just don't get it,” he said. “Can they switch dates? I've had to do that for trips before.”

“I asked that. But whatever cruise they're going on doesn't go back to those same places for a few months, or something... I don't know. The answer was no, though.”

“What all did they say? I feel like I'm getting a third of the story here.”

“They said what I told you. Can't make it, have a cruise, no refunds, send their love... and a blender, I guess.”

“We already have two blenders.”

“And now we'll have a backup for our backup.” Since they got into the kitchen, Buck had been avoiding eye contact. He was keeping busy, moving dishes from the drain to their spots in the cabinet, clanging silverware together as he tossed them into a drawer, and even moving spices from their usual spots on the spice rack to new spots.

“Well, should we- should we change our date then?” Tommy asked. Yes, they both wanted to get married on the anniversary of the day they first met but, if they needed to adjust for the Buckley's, they would.

The question stopped Buck in his tracks. Still turned away from Tommy, he lowered his hands to rest them on the counter. “We're not changing our date.”

“Evan.”

“No,” he doubled down, firmer this time. “We're not changing our dates. If they can't make an effort to show up, then they just won't be there.”

Now Tommy was starting to get somewhere. Sometimes it took a minute, but Buck would always eventually let his true feelings out.

“If you're sure.”

“I am.” Buck finally turned to face Tommy. He wiped at his eyes, letting out a humorless laugh. “I really thought we were getting somewhere, you know? I thought... I thought they cared.”

“Ev, I think they care, they just-”

“Prioritize a cruise over our marriage.” Buck finished.

“We could Facetime them,” Tommy offered weakly.

Buck shook his head. “No, if they- if they can't show up they don't need to be there at all.” He wiped at his eyes again, but this time the tears couldn't be held back. He felt like a little kid again, his lip trembling, head down, trying to quiet his sobs so his parents couldn't hear him.

But his parents weren't there this time; Tommy was. He was there, and he was wrapping Buck up in a hug before Buck even realized he had crossed the room.

He held on tight, clutching the back of Tommy's shirt. His shoulders shook with the force of his cries, but Tommy held on.

He always held on. His strength, both mentally and physically, kept Buck upright during his toughest moments.

Buck did the same for Tommy too. That's why this relationship worked so perfectly. They didn't go fifty-fifty here; they both gave one hundred percent of themselves.

“I re- really wanted them th- there,” he managed to get out through little breaths.

“I know, I know,” Tommy soothed, running a hand up and down Buck's back.

“They were s- supposed to walk me down the a- aisle.” He pulled back from Tommy just enough to look up at him. “Oh God, what are we gonna do about that?”

“Hey, hey, don't worry about it,” Tommy said, bringing his hand up to Buck's face. He used his thumbs to gently wipe the tears from his cheeks. “We'll figure something out. We don't have to do the walking down the aisle, or my mom can walk us both, or we'll walk together, or-” he paused, “or you could ask Bobby and Athena.”

Buck sucked in another breath, contemplating the idea. “That's- You think they'd do that?”

Tommy smiled softly. “Of course they would. They wouldn't hesitate for a second.”

“Bobby's already doing the ceremony though.”

Tommy shrugged. “Doing things a little differently than normal is the Buckley way, isn't it?”

Buck managed a shaky laugh. “The Buckley-Kinard way now. Sorry you're stuck with me.”

Tommy shook his head. “I'm not.” He placed two fingers under Buck's chin, just like the night he first kissed Evan. The night he tried to play it cool, all while his heart was racing and mind filled with a million different thoughts. He kissed him softly, slowly. He could feel Buck's body relax, some of the weight from the last few minutes falling away.

“I love you, Evan.”

Buck reached up, running his hand through the back of Tommy's hair. There were a lot of people that told Buck they loved him. Some, he believed, others... not so much. But there was one person who he believed it every single time, and he was gonna marry that man in a week, no matter who was or wasn't there.

“I love you too.”

[carriedawatermelon]

Ronancetober, day five. Back to pure fluff. Auntsy-verse. Another short one, feat. Robin Harrington, teen Nancy’s poor choices in decor, and Milk Duds as consolation.

Prompt: Action Movie

They’re in the theatre for Inception, a large popcorn in Robin’s lap where she sits between her aunts. Robin has Milk Duds and Nancy has M&Ms and they all have sodas the size of their heads, as is their summer tradition.

All of Steve’s kids come to Aunt Camp for a weekend, usually more, cascading so that there are various combinations of little Harringtons in the house but always also at least a little one-on-one time. When the oldest Harrington called in the middle of her first year college exams to ask if she could still come to Aunt Camp, halfway to tears and underslept, they’d made it very clear that they wanted her to come forever, that there was no age limit.

Now she’s finished with her sophomore year and talking with Robin about her fall internship, Robin very engaged and also occasionally throwing Milk Duds at her niece’s mouth. Little Robin catches them, pausing easily and smiling as she chews, because they are alike in that way.

They’re early, because Nancy’s niece is like her in this way, and Nancy sips her Coke while she listens and asks questions, and quietly applauds a particularly impressive catch. She also plucks two Milk Duds from Robin’s hair.

It’s just the three of them in the theatre, matinee on a movie that’s been out for a month, so when the preview for Mission Impossible 4 comes on, little Robin doesn’t bother hiding her groan, booing at the screen.

“God, when are they gonna stop making these? That guy’s the worst.”

Nancy knows it’s coming before Robin says a word, sighs loudly as, right on cue, her partner says, “You know Nance had a poster of him on her wall.”

“Oh my god!” Little Robin’s staring at her, delighted horror in the light of the movie screen, and her namesake grins at Nancy from over her shoulder. “Auntsy.” She gestures at the screen, where Tom Cruise is looking very serious. Something blows up. “Him?”

“Yes, him, thank you very much. It was the 80s. Risky Business was very popular.”

“Was it a Risky Business poster, Nance?”

Nancy cuts her eyes at Robin, arches a brow, but she’s smiling, happy to play, happy to be far, far away from the life where she tore Tom Cruise from Teen Beat and taped him to her wall.

Little Robin laughs, still delighted. “Oh my god, this is amazing. Leah’s gonna lose it.”

“It was twenty-five years ago. There were some things I didn’t understand about myself at the time,” she points out, reaching across and stealing the Milk Duds unrepentantly, ignoring Robin’s squawk. “And I thought you went to Carleton. Don’t you know about compulsory heterosexuality? Where do you have to send a kid to get liberal brainwashing done right these days?”

Little Robin waves her hand dismissively and Nancy sees her at six and sixteen and twenty all at once. “Oh, please. You’re, like, disgustingly happy with R1 and your gay little garden. You’ve got a signed panel of Dykes to Watch Out For framed on your wall. You’re driving to Ann Arbor to see Brandi Carlile in two weeks.”

“Dial it back there, Franklin Graham,” Robin says with a laugh.

Little Robin rolls her eyes. “Still not over the fact that you’re going without me, by the way. Anyway, nice try with the comphet Auntsy, but I get to make fun of you for having a Tom Cruise poster. And so does Leah. And also probably everyone else. Does my mom know?”

Nancy sits forward to make eye contact with her partner, does not offer to return the Milk Duds. “You know it’s going to be your fault when all we get for Christmas this year is Tom Cruise paraphernalia.”

Robin shrugs, grinning, and she’s very handsome, and Nancy shakes a Milk Dud into her palm and eats it with malice. Lips twitching in amusement, Robin brings her hand to her heart in false mourning, and Nancy shakes her head and sits back.

Little Robin is squinting in Robin’s direction, tilting her head.

“Hello?” Robin says. “Big Bird, do you copy?”

“You know…” Little Robin’s voice is thoughtful but there’s an undertone to it that Nancy knows well. “Young Tom Cruise. R1 with her 1998 hair. I can see the resemblance.”

Nancy barks a laugh, Robin making a sound of indignation.

“Excuse me?!”

Little Robin shrugs, sits back and focuses on the popcorn, grinning to herself. She knows what she’s done. Nancy loves her, the little shit.

Nancy offers the Milk Duds back to Robin, who takes them with a pout. They are a consolation and she knows it, chews one sadly.

“I don’t look like Tom Cruise,” she half-asks, and Nancy loves her, too.

“Of course not, baby.” She uses her best patronizing voice, smiles into her straw at little Robin’s snort.

“Nance! Nancy Wheeler. I do not look like Tom Cruise.”

“Shhh,” Nancy says. “It’s starting.”

“You’re both very mean to me.”

Two nights later, little Robin gone back to her parents, Robin appears in the door of Nancy’s home office in a button-down and crew socks, candlestick in hand.

“Oh my god,” Nancy laughs, out of her chair and in Robin’s space immediately. “Where the hell did you get that candlestick?”

“Thrift store,” she says proudly, Nancy’s hands already working at the buttons of her shirt. “The very nice woman at the checkout confirmed that I do not look like Tom Cruise.”

“Don’t talk to me about Tom Cruise while I’m trying to fuck you,” Nancy says, smiling into the skin of Robin’s neck.

“Copy that. Should I get a flight suit, though?”

Nancy finishes with the last button, lets her teeth graze Robin’s skin, and does not answer the question.

[richardlawson]

The End

After a few years away from that particular couch, I started seeing a new therapist at the end of last year. It had been long enough, I sagely determined, after I was felled by a series of really nasty panic attacks—one happened while I was doing a Q&A on stage with some filmmakers. They didn't notice, nor did the audience, nor (most importantly) the publicists. But it was happening. Me contemplating running off stage, into the Soho afternoon. It was a terrible feeling, and eventually feeling terrible starts to be a drag, so I found, after a fair amount of searching, someone new.

He is in his late 50s and has a kind, open comportment. He's much more giving and lean-in-and-nod than my last therapist, a sort of prim and watchful gay guy who retired to Florida. I like this new gay guy, I think. Or, I am warming to him. At first, I thought his platitudes and constant quoting of various people were corny. But I have resisted such sentiment for so long, and lack of sentiment hasn't cured me, so maybe I should try the earnest stuff. He has me meditating for one minute a day. The panic attacks went away.

For a little while, anyway. They've been creeping back, when I least expect them, and when I most do. I am afraid of what I am afraid of, I hate what I hate, I feel increasingly indifferent to what I love. Winter hardens care. Do I like movies anymore? Do I like a play, seen on some chilly Saturday afternoon? Maybe it's just seasonal. Or it's media malaise in a time of such austerity. They're trying to lay off the best people while the worst people watch, safe as houses. They're trying to take the whole thing apart and replace it with nothing. I have worked in my business for 16 years, well over a third of my life, and for the first time it now feels truly dire and terminal and like I need to start making other plans for what to do with the rest of my time here in the waking, working world.

Something I talk about a lot with my therapist is inertia—I use the word constantly. Why can't I just, why can't I just, why can't I just. I know something's in me, latent under my lazy skin, but it never makes its way to the surface. At least not yet.

Which causes panic, this stasis. I am scared of the drugs that might help, and am resistant to other concrete life changes that might make this better. (I like a glass of wine too much; I'm a fan of my vape.) I have tried avoiding things, I have tried not avoiding things.

I guess it's not circumstance, really. I have panic attacks when I'm home at night, Andrew asleep in the other room, me watching some murder show or YouTube video (same thing) and suddenly a feeling hits me, the conviction that a blood clot or some other lurking thing is making its way up my body and that this is my sorry, lonely little nighttime end. Here it is, the moment when I'm carried off, when I disappear, when I slip away into nothing.

My parents just finished a cruise, a lifelong wish fulfilled, in South America, hooking around Cape Horn and then exploring the fjords and inlets of Chile. All the reports were good. They had the best time. I had worried about my mom itching for her work email, about my dad being newly 90 years old and maybe feeling exhausted by all the activity. But it seems they managed well. They saw Patagonian cities, they saw mountains rising out of the sea, they saw the shy, retreating edges of glaciers, so quiet and demure in their dying. My mom sent us pictures and I thought most about the glaciers, those last cracking murmurs of a time before. When I was in Alaska for a wedding, years ago now, we went to a park of some kind and the visitor's center that was once built over a glacier then stood cantilevered over dry land. The ice had crept much farther up the mountain, winking goodbye.

How awful. And yet, in the depths of my hypocrisy, I relish an unseasonably warm day. Whatever lifts me out of winter, I guess. Whatever can drag me out of the feeling that everything is indeed going to ruin—a career, a life, a liver, a future. My best friend moved out of my neighborhood recently, which is sad. But it also affords us the opportunity to explore new territory, to find backyard bars with good deals where we can huddle in forgiving late-winter winds and make uneasy escape plans, where we consider what parachutes could ever be made of.

It's not always enough, of course. I too often have nights, far too late, when I go pacing around the living room, circling the coffee table in a weird sort of marching step in my underwear, shaking my hands to get the dread to go away. My new therapist has urged me to find what centers me. To think of all that is known and steady.

I try to gather myself and remember the people I have, arrayed across the planet. Andrew, in restless sleep down the hall. My sister in her Los Angeles canyon, surrounded by trees. I walk the room, knees high and somehow defiant, chest straining with worry. And I see my parents, on a boat at the tip of the world, dreaming of lost things.

[seeingivy]

hiiii Ronnie!!

it’s your girl, Taylor as Gojo Anon, reaching out to check in on you.

How are you doing? 🤍🖤

hi sweet angel face!

(im cut tagging it because i accidentally procured a long response)

how are you my dear? things have been kind of up and down from me, which is why i haven't been so active. that makes me feel really sad, not because i necessarily feel obligated to write, but because i just want to!!! idk mental things and blocks have been all over the place. and i have so much fun thinking about ideas and such but sometimes i get in my head about writing about them or other stuff comes up.

my best friend's mom passed away two weeks ago, which kind of has turned things upside down. we were really close - her mom and mine are best friends, we all went on a cruise to mexico together (? idk its kind of like a fever dream but it makes me laugh now) and she was just someone i felt really really close to. i am so sad she's gone and i loved her so much.

school has started up and this actually happened during my first week of school so it kind of changed the tone. i'm a senior now but weirdly enough things feel so different. one of my best friends actually graduated and school feels different without her and i guess there's been internal stuff happening where my job and my research lab and everything just feels like it's drastically changed dynamic wise and it makes me wish it was still last year and i wasn't so old and i wasn't leaving.

i have so many ideas but don't know which ones to write! and i think about them so hard that i can't do them justice as one shots but i just don't know if anyone would read it if it was longer or if idk i would drop it after i felt like it wasn't good or anything. i hope to write something soon just for my own joy. (see: list of ideas below that I could write like 200k words of if I wanted to)

good old satoru gojo and y/n getting strapped with kids after an untimely passing. BUT they used to date. oh the sweet angst of living together but being responsible for two kids but getting close but one of you has a partner that kind of sucks and it kind of feels like you're a family but you can't really admit that you want to get back together bc. u know. family and all that and a lot at stake and obv angst of almost dying bc it's me and I would have to do that just for fun

satoru gojo (again? shocking I barely ever think or write for this man) but its like kind of like a royalty clan au? like arranged marriage but she literally don't gaf about gojo and sneaks around with a secret lover (that he knows about. and knows that is a snake) and then when things go wrong he's kind of like well I told you so but then they get close and kind of besties and she tells a maid or something that like omfg he doesn't even care about me like that he just feels bad and he overhears SO he has to obviously romance her. obviusly he has to like go to war or a fight or something where he almost dies becuase you know angst of almost dying its me and I would have to do that

I still think about dream girl everyday.

I also think about canary mate all the time too. I almost actually wrote some today but had to write a ghostwrite a deferral letter for my friend to delay her acceptance since her mom passed away

also bsfs older brother sukuna one shot of y/n getting sick or somethign or appendicitis bc u know bsfs older brother sukuna having a panic but in a sweet way

anyways I swear I think about writing and will write again sometime soon.

the good thing is that i'm applying to study abroad and that makes me really excited! it's one week in london and one in paris and they do the whole harry potter studio tour and where bridgerton was filmed and it makes me so excited to think about it.

anyways. thanks for asking. its sweet to know you still think of me even when i'm not active! i would send you asks all the time but you are an anon. but if u ever sneeze or something idk juts think its me sending u an ask like omg hi I love you.

[lonesome-witching]

The Future and the Past

This is an anonymously requested sequel to Engagement Rings. Thank you to the person who asked for this. I'm sorry it took me so long to write. I have been a little overwhelmed lately. But here it is. Nancy telling Karen about her engagement.

You can read my previous prompts or send me some new ones.

Nancy tapped her fingers against the table. She wasn’t sure why she was this nervous. Maybe it was being back here. She hadn’t been in her childhood home for about two years. Avoiding it like the plague.  She tried to pretend that it had nothing to do with the news she was about to share. She was not scared that she would disappoint her mother. 

A cup was placed in front of her and Nancy noticed her mother’s perfect red nail polish. 

“So, darling, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Karen Wheeler said as she sat down with her own mug in hand. 

“I have news.” Nancy tried to notice any wrinkles on her mother’s face, any changes from when Nancy herself was a kid. She couldn’t find any.

“Oh?” Karen raised her eyebrows. 

“I uhm — Robin and I— Robin asked me to marry her.” Nancy’s fingers toyed with the diamond ring, the only connection that she had to her fiancée. 

A silence filled the room. The corners of Karen’s mouth were turning up. Or maybe Nancy was imagining things. 

“They are going to legalize it. In Massachusetts. They’ll legalize it soon and we’ll prepare everything for when they do,” Nancy continued. 

“That is wonderful! Oh, baby, come here.”

It was easy to let herself get pulled into a hug. It was easier to sink into her mother’s arms as if she was still a little kid that needed comforting. Instead, she was an established journalist with her own apartment in a big city that she shared with the love of her life. She was already thinking about telling Robin about this. Robin had always had a connection with Nancy’s mother, and she was well aware of it. They’d probably celebrate that at least one of their parents would be at their wedding. Robin hadn’t told her own parents yet.

“Let me see the ring,” Karen exclaimed the second that they pulled away from each other.

Nancy could feel tears well up in her eyes as she held out her hand.

-

Nancy sat down on her childhood bed. It hadn’t changed a bit since she left. Nothing in her old room had changed. The only difference seemed to be that the room was much barer than it used to be, the stuff Nancy had taken with her first to college and then her own place was starkly missing from the picture she had in her mind.

The Tom Cruise poster was still there though. She had never bothered to take it and her mom had apparently not seen the purpose in taking it down. Nancy smiled at the man’s picture. She almost felt like she didn’t belong here anymore.

Her hands reached for the phone on the nightstand, still the same blue one she had as a teenager.

“Wheeler-Buckley residence, how can I help you?” Robin’s voice sounded through the device. Nancy leaned back and closed her eyes, remembering the countless nights she had spent on the phone with Robin. Trying to feel like a teenager again.

“Hi, Rob. How was your day?”

“Nancy? Hi!” Robin still sounded just as excited as all those years ago. “How did the conversation go?”

“It went well. My mom is very excited for us, but she did make me promise that I would not go dress shopping without her.” Nancy twirled the phone cord around her finger. “She said that she wished you had come with me. She wanted to congratulate you. At least, that is what she said. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was going to warn you that spending the rest of your life with me could be a handful.”

Robin laughed brightly. “And don’t I know it. I can’t wait for it though. To get married to you. To spend the rest of my life with you.”

“Me too.” Nancy smiled at the ceiling. Perhaps it was the same lovesick smile she used to wear during these conversations.

Somehow right here, in her old bedroom filled with all the wrong memories, she was able to pick out the right ones. Somehow, she felt everything slot into place. This was the life she had fought for. This was why she survived.

[nemojokard-blog]

greetings everypony, it is I Nemo Jokard. I come offering my fancures for the fancuries .

Here are my main fanseries:

Nature Shift! Precure

The Four Seasonal Kingdoms of Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter lived in harmony, protected by the precures. Until one of them went rogue. Regalia, the Winter precure, along with some other rogues, attacked the kingdoms with these monsters called Heartaches. The only one who can help them now is the Princess of Spring, Tupper who holds the 3 remaining seasonal keys. Can she find the new precure? (I don’t know, CAN SHE??)

Ayame Mizuki/Cure Vernal

Our resident pink cure of the team, she is spring themed. Ayame is a reserved girl who isn't great at socializing. She's a little lazy and tends to procrastinate, but she's trying to change that. She also panics on a daily basis and is in a constant state of screaming inside her head.

Kaori Natsumi/Cure Solstice

Our orange cure who is summer themed! Kaori is bright, energetic and seems to always be moving. She is kinda unreliable though and tends to forget things easily. She has a big sweet tooth and has a family sweets store called Natsumi♡Pastry. She's an optimist and can kinda annoy her teammates with her constant positive attitude. She has a bit of a competitive side.

Etsu Akino/Cure Fall (tumblr hates yellow)

Etsu is the yellow cure and mom friend. She's the one helping the other cures with their homework, scolding them, and discouraging them from doing bad things. Although she isn't without fault. She's very hardworking, which is good, but is prone to burning herself out with all nighters and club activities. She also tends to be the most passive agressive person ever. She learns to balance her life and leave time for herself.

Tulipa 'Tupper' Flora Leis Fleur Bouquet Laverne

Tupper is a meanie. She usually bosses the cures around and comes up with the strategies. She also gives the cures a lot of sass and criticizes their flaws. She obviously cares about them, she just sucks at showing it.

The fanseries themes are seasons, friendship, and change.

This was my first ever fanseries and I’ve probably done the most for this one. I’ve written ten episodes for them that you can read on Ao3 and wattpad ! (A rewrite of chapter 1 and chapter 11 are in the works !!)

Ahoy! Pirate Precure

About nine years ago, Umi Ishikawa met a mermaid! She's been obsessed with them ever since then and still carries the gift that the mermaid gave her. When her gift happens to be a treasure from the Cordelia Kingdom, she is hunted for theft. Suddenly a crab and parrot are talking and wait, is she transforming?!

Umi Ishikawa/Cure Ness

Umi is an airhead that is infatuated with mermaids. She's always wanted to live in the ocean. The mermaid obsession started probably when her parents went on a cruise and she was all alone by herself. Then suddenly she came face to face with a real mermaid. No one believes her tho. She loves swimming and wishes to live in the sea one day.

Yuzu Egawa/Cure Citrus

Yuzu is a sour girl who doesn't like much of anything. She's ready to sass anyone and everyone. Because of this she doesn't have many friends and throws herself in her studies as a result. She tends to be a know-it-all. Apparently she loves visiting the aquarium in her free time.

Nyoko Izumi/Cure Aurorus

Nyoko is a spoiled girl with a rich background. She's pretty annoying and tends to brag about her money. She's also very very competitive when it comes to swimming and often her & Umi compete. She's also a sore loser.

Shelly

The old advisor for Cordelia Kingdom. She's strict and crabby.

Parry

A parrot with powerful magic. It helps the cures in battle or sometimes it mocks them. Whatever Parry feels like doing.

The motif of this series is pirates and the main theme is treasuring life.

I don’t know when I’ll do more for this fanseries since it was originally made as a joke, but I might write it some day!

Beauty Guru Precure

The Queen of the Glamour kingdom was the Super Instant Influencer. She stood strong until the scandals attacked. She was dethroned, and in her last stitch efforts to pass on her wisdom, was to pass on her legendary Make Up Pallet to the Precure to fight the scandals. She handed it to Pinkity Drinkity her trusty snake.

Tomoko Ayano/Cure Guru

The first girl to awake as a Precure. Tomoko is an airhead with a bit of an ego. Her teammates keep her check. She isn't very smart, but tries her best! She's really into makeup and likes to experiment with different kind of looks. She transforms with the Aerie Lip gloss into Cure Guru. At first scared of Pinkity Drinkity and still kinda is. Lovingly calls the snake "Pinky."

Keiko Arai/Cure Blush

The second girl to awake as a Precure. Keiko easily embarrassed and has a short temper. She enjoys studying and has a one sided rivalry with Kagami. With the Periwinkle Compact, she transforms into Cure Blush. She loves Pinkity Drinkity to a fault. She calls her "Pink-chan."

Aimi Hitomi/Cure Shadow

The third person to awake as a Precure. She seems to keep to herself a lot and has a bad habit of bottling everything inside. Although when they are with Tomoko and Keiko, she seems to turn into a different person who can't keep their mouth shut. She transforms with the Goth Pallet into Cure Shadow. They so not lovingly refer to Pinkity Drinkity as Future Soup.

Kagami Ayano/Cure Cosmetic

Technically the actual first one to awaken. She helps the girls in a pinch, but always seems to keep her distance. She doesn't seem to want to get closer to any of the girls. An exception to this is Cure Guru, which the girls and Pinkity Drinkity find strange. (Of course this is because she’s Guru's twin sister, but shhhh, they don't know that.)

Pinkity Drinkity

The girls’ trusty snake partner in crime. She ventured out to find the legendary Precure and now that she found them, she’s a bit worried. She thinks the girls are too young to be fighting Madam Masquerade’s Scandals and fears for their safety. On the other hand though, she knows that the only thing she can really do is guide them as Precure.

Dragon Drinkity

Dragon Drinkity just screams a lot. She sometimes says wise things, but completely cracks under pressure. She was sent first to find the Precure of Lipstick and the Precure of Nail Polish.

The motifs of this series are angels and make up. The themes of this series are inner beauty and love.

This series also kind of started off as a bit of a one off thing. Might also get written someday but no promises!!!

Sew Magical

This fanseries is a crossover between lalaloopsy and precure! It admittedly no longer has a plot anymore but I did make some cute designs .

Live Laugh Love! Precure

Kasumi Ieiri is used to her simple life with her father where it's just the two of them against the world.. Well until it wasn't. Suddenly there's this whole new marriage and there's three random kids living with them! Tsumugi, one of the kids, is the same age as her, but that's where the similarities end. Tsumugi is quiet and you can never really tell what she's thinking. Kasumi is anything but quiet and is easily read.

However these two supposed sisters are now forced to work together when a monster comes marching at their front door and is terrorizing a poor helpless mascot who drops two items that resemble mood rings. The mood rings then fly onto Kasumi and Tsumugi, recognizing them as Precure! Kasumi transforms into Cure Haven and Tsugumi into Cure Comedy. They manage to defeat the monster and rescue the mascot! Who seems a little mortified about this whole development..

Omg new Nemo fanseries !? Admittedly this is kind of the first time im mentioning them and I haven’t thought abt them for a hot minute 👁️👄👁️💧 But perhaps I will work on them some day! Might even get around to drawing them. I really like duo seasons.

(the order is Kasumi, tsumugi, cure haven, and cure comedy)

Their only theme is Live, Laugh, Love.

And that’s all, folks!

I recycled a whole lot of it from last time but I hope you at least consider nominating me :]

[luckyshotwrites]

Ch. 96 // Here, Kill Him // XXX

Contents (Warnings): To kill him (Angst, slight blood warning, character and monster info as always). Read full chapter on A03

Wordcount: 4,200+

Song I correlate to this Chapter: None to report

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Approximately four years and one month ago

Drake

"A pizzeria!" Edgar said enthusiastically, showing him the mascot that Pete drew on a paper plate in pen. Why would you want to run a pizza place? You make so much money with real estate like Mom. 

"We can work there as a family," his dad had a definite look in his eyes. Drake wouldn't have much choice if he went through with it. 

Drake withheld his displeasure. We can't even eat pizza properly, so what would be the point? 

"I'll think about it."

His dad gave a pleased nod, put the paper plate on the bed, and got ready to take a picture of it to send to Wenna and Ulysses. 

Unfortunately, Drake was walking near his parents 'hotel room when his dad went looking for them, so he was snatched up first. "You can invite Pete's son, Alexander, too. I'm sure he'd love it."

Now you're patronizing me. "I'll pass if he's working there."

His dad looked away from his phone, "he's not that bad to you, is he?"

Drake didn't feel like answering that. "I don't want to miss one of the on-deck events; I'll see you later, Dad."

Unlike the others who left him alone, his dad grabbed at Drake's hood. He rarely did. 

"Be honest with me, yes or no."

Drake winced, pulled, and sighed; his dad wasn't letting go. "He treats me like all you guys do."

"With love?"

"Like I need someone to look after me and worry that I can't defend myself." He said, frustrated by his dad's persistence. 

"We look out for each other."

"No, you trust Wenna and Ulysses alone. I practically have to beg to do anything." Drake tugged hard enough to make Edgar let go. "I'm not some kid anymore."

He got to the door and saw Ulysses when he opened it up. His brother nervously looked over him, and Drake went around him to leave and head back to the upper deck. 

He strode up, past a few other cruise guests, chatting and enjoying themselves. While he chewed on his bitterness. 

To admit his fault would hurt, as no one has any obligation to forgive him. His stubbornness fought against that remorse.

When he reached the top, plenty of people walked around in bathing suits, getting ready for a swim or heading to the pools and slides. Drake pulled his hoodie up. He wasn't a fan of swimming.

He wasn't ecstatic about being here in the first place. I could mingle with humans. He thought to himself. 

As he walked around the edge of the cruise, he spotted Alexander. His family was invited along, but he hadn't seen him much, and now he knew why. Drake took note of the tight grip on the bar, his hunched body, and how he let his head hang over. 

It would be a perfect time to push you off. Drake said in his head. He knew Alexander would save himself even if Drake decided to do that. 

Drake walked to him anyway, "Why would you get on a ship if you get seasick?" 

Alexander rested his head on the bar and groaned, "Why else if I stayed-" he closed his mouth quickly, shuddered, and then groaned again. "My dad would have dragged my ass here anyway." 

You don't seem so challenging now. 

"Seasick, on a cruise like this? You must be super sensitive, the boats barely rocking." Drake hadn't even noticed the girl come near them. She wore a dark purple bikini, one that barely contained her features. 

Bold of a human to get near him. 

"Whatever," Alexander's said between tight lips.

His heart rate is increasing, and his body is tensing. He wants to eat her. 

"He's not very smart, is he?" The brunette said.

"Fuck you," Alexander faced her, then immediately turned his head and held his head over the edge. 

"He's not," Drake replied.

The girl giggled at his reply and then prodded at Alexander further. "Can you swim because you look very pushable right now?"

I like this girl already.

Alexander grumbled, "laugh it, fucking up."

"I'm sorry I'm teasing," She inched closer to him, her eyes tracing over every inch of his body as if she was looking for something. 

She doesn't sound attracted to him, but she can't take her eyes off him. Drake didn't know what to make of this human. She caught Drake staring at her—he hadn't fully covered his eyes with his bangs. 

He expected her to look and have the tremors of disgust. She didn't. Her heart beat with familiarity as if he was a friend of hers. But he had never met her before, at least not that he remembered. 

Her green orbs flowed back to Alexander, "You do realize you could go to the boat nurse and get some medication, right?"

Alexander shook his head, "most medicines won't work on me."

She leaned back on the bars, "sensitive to only the sea, huh?" The brunette moved closer, "you could always have someone knock you out, so you're not so vulnerable."

Drake watched her touch at Alexander's back. He flinched and swung back and instinctually grabbed her wrist.

Her heart's still calm. He let it go.

"Don't do that."

She nodded, "Sorry." There was a silence more between them before she spoke again. "You have swift reflexes. It's like you don't even think."

Alexander barely gave a grunt in response. Drake could tell he was itching to eat the human but couldn't due to his sickness. Not that Drake thought he should, anyway.

She gave off such an odd aura. Her face mimicked expressions of worry or fear, yet her heart didn't hold one of those tunes. She's been faking it. Why?

She lifted her wrist with her grapevine watch, "Oh, shoot, I forgot to meet them at the pool. It was nice to meet you both," we haven't even exchanged names.

Drake was about to reply, but she bumped into him on her way out. He wanted to turn back and get her but lost balance. He didn't know why he felt more drained than usual. 

Alexander snagged his hood and kept him from falling.

"SORRY!" She exclaimed as she ran toward the pools.

Drake barely vocalized a thank you, as he was far more intrigued by the oddity of a human they just met and would never see again. 

...

Andras had called Drake in a week after their cruise. He expected a job but instead was greeted with a proposition. 

"I think I figured out a way for you to take down your problem." The curly-haired male said; he ushered Drake to sit next to him. 

"Invite Alexander here," Andras said with the enthusiasm of a giddy schoolgirl. 

"Why the hell would I do that?"

"He cares about you, right?" Andras said, "All you have to do is invite him over for a drink or two of crested, except we infuse your venom with it. Then, you two play a game blindfolded, and by the time it kicks in, he'll be rendered pretty useless."

"He can turn into his Wendigo form and get bigger."

"He can't."

Drake narrowed his gaze, "how are you so sure?"

He seems too confident for it to be a guess. 

He smiled brightly like an innocent child, "Call it a hunch; every hybrid has its defects."

There was something about his tone that made Drake think otherwise. 

Andras pestered him about it eagerly, and Drake caved in. He invited Alexander, and he skeptically showed up.

"Why did you invite me to a strip club?" Alexander gestured to the side door they were going into. He refused to go any further. 

"You'll see," Neither Drake nor Alexander wanted to go inside. I want him far away from my personal life.

"You better have a good explanation."

He trusts me? What have I done to make him do that?

Alexander followed him inside, and Drake was relieved Andras didn't put any of the music on he usually did to play around. 

"So this is Drake's best friend," Andras chirped; he was behind the door. He shut it once they were both in and threw himself from it to Alexander.

The blonde rolled his eyes and scanned over Andras. His eyes gave a faint blue glow, "Who are you?"

"Where are my manners," Andras took a step back and lifted his hand, "My name is Andras, and I've heard a lot about you, Alexander."

His hand hesitantly came up. Drake listened to the uneasy. He doesn't trust Andras, that's for sure.

"Uh-huh." Alexander shook his hand, "are you the one that wanted me here?"

"No, no, that's Drake's doing. He told me you were a little noisy before and was curious about what he was up to." 

Alexander turned his head to Drake, "You're working in a strip club?"

"NO! I'm not a stripper!" Drake exclaimed embarrassedly.

Andras burst into laughter, "Well, you do technically show yourself to people-"

Drake pointed at Andras, "I DO NOT. THAT'S NOT WHAT I DO."

He definitely amused his curly-haired boss.

"Then what's going on here?" Alexander asked, utterly lost.

 Andras escorted them over to a booth across from one of the stages. The rooms that led to the back were pretty close. And Andras cleared the area to keep his other employees and guests from coming around. 

He had a pan with the drinks set to pour. Drake had to add his 'tonic,' and he'd do it to both since it doesn't affect him the same way. And naturally, he wouldn't think it'd affect Alexander even if he ingested it that way. If it wasn't for the properties of crested alcohol, he wouldn't have agreed to it.

"Drake works for me here, donating his blood," Andras said hesitantly.

Alexander's eyebrows furrowed, "what." He looked at Drake pouring the drinks. "People don't need it. Why would you give it away?"

"Money, why else," Drake said, though it wasn't entirely true. He did like the power that came with ordering people around. 

"Money?" Alexander pressed his glasses, "For someone who shouldn't let people know what he is, you seem pretty content on letting people know!"

"He can protect himself; if he can't, he has us here," Andras replied.

Alexander flipped back to him, "I don't care how powerful you think you are. He shouldn't be putting his ass in danger for money."

"You're not my parents."

"And your parents know?!"

Drake bit his tongue. This is why I wanted to avoid inviting him. He squinted at Andras as he brought the table drinks. 

"Drake is free to tell whoever he wants. They don't if he didn't think his parents should know."

Exactly.

A growl worked up from Alexander's throat. "You think I'd advocate this?" 

Drake slid him a drink, took him, and gave one to Andras. "No. I thought you'd complain. That's why you'll leave me alone if I can beat you at a game. If I don't, I'll do whatever you want."

Alexander looked at the glass, "I don't drink-"

"It's crested alcohol. It won't get you drunk on one glass," Drake said.

"You want to bet my silence on a game." Alexander picked up a glass. 

Drake lifted his glass, "you wanted to know what I was up to, now you know. I have been doing it for months without a problem besides you. If something does happen, you know where I am." Drake drank his liquid, hoping Alexander would do the same.

Andras curiously watched and drank, too. 

Alexander drank it and slammed the glass down without breaking it. "Whatever. But if you win for some reason, and you don't come home on time, I'll tell them."

Drake didn't sense a lie. "Okay."

He put his glass down, too. They got a blindfold begrudgingly on Alexander, and the game would be simple: slap the other hand faster wins. It was harder as neither of them could really see. And Andras monitored it. They'd have fine minutes, and whoever got their hand slapped the most lost. Drake hovered his hands over Alexanders and pulled them back when he felt they were about to be slapped.

Alexander was surprisingly faster, at least...at first. It started to die down when Alexander spoke about his sluggishness. He was only ignored and made fun of until...

I won. Drake said it in his head and not out loud. Alexander slumped in the seat. He found himself unable to move. The venom Drake made Alexander drink worked.

And because most spells required a range of touch or sight, Alexander couldn't do a thing with his eyes blindfolded like that. 

The paralysis hadn't fully set in as his body twitched. Alexander refused to give up so easily. 

"I remember you said he was too powerful," Andras's tease stroked Drake's back. He plopped down next to Alexander, "all you need to do is assess your opponent. Find vulnerabilities and BAM." 

He slapped at Alexander's chest, and his arms twitched as if to react; they almost did. 

Andras whistled, "Fairly impressive; that was a lot of venom."

Drake glanced over the blindfolded body and ten back to Andras. He had no one to witness this underhanded victory, nor no one to praise him as he wanted, except Andras. 

Andras then got to his feet and pulled a dagger from his holster. "Now, you can kill him." 

The word kill stabbed Drake's brain. He hadn't thought of that. Some of him sometimes wished Alexander wasn't in the picture, not that he should be killed. 

"I don't-" 

"After all this, you're going to let him go?" Andras waved the dagger around, "Did you want to give him to give you a chance to take you down? Maybe even kill you first?" 

"No."

The male with three dots under his left eye shifted the blade in his hand and held it out to Drake. "It should be strong enough to stab into his chest. If not, use more force to dig it deep in there." 

The blade felt heavy, riddled with seals, magic, and a metal foreign to Earth. He sifted the spiral blade in his hand, inspecting it and the small spikes along its edges. They looked like they were meant to chip off inside a target when it was used. 

Drake tilted his head back to Alexander. He moved closer and closer. Everything else in the party room seemed still. Drake scrutinized the hybrid's chest as it rose and fell. 

The pangs of fear were light. He expected it to be louder, crying at Drake to stop. They weren't. 

Why isn't it loud? Drake refused to accept that Alexander acknowledged this as his end.

His free hand cradled underneath Alexander's jaw. "Why aren't you scared?"

Alexander's body quivered in a futile rebellion. His breath barely left his lips. "I know the difference between someone who wants to and will kill me and someone who won't."

No one else wants to kill you. What do you mean? Drake strode to get angry, but...a person's heart never lied. He could tell the difference between every single one he's heard, their lies, their truths, their emotions—most species had very similar signs, with slight variations depending on the person. 

Yet Alexander never lied. Drake assumed he was playing the tough guy. He wasn't. 

"You think I won't?" Drake lined up the knife at Alexander's shirt. 

Alexander's voice came out in a single breath, "No." 

Drake's hand shook, so he threw his other hand over, and it did the same. In distress, he looked back at Andras and realized his reliance.

He didn't want this. Drake needed reassurance that what he was doing was right. Why did Drake demand approval for something 'he'd want'. If it was what he truly desired, he would have done it.

He was jealous, envious of what Alexander had. Everyone treated Alexander as normal, regardless of what they said about his defects— he received no special treatment like Drake. 

Drake pushed away and turned to Andras, "I'm not killing him. He did nothing to warrant it."

Andras sighed with a slight, 'I expected this' written on his face. "Sounds good." The curly-haired fellow walked closer to Drake and held out his hand, "I'll finish it up from here and see you tomorrow."

"Finish it?"

"Kill him."

Drake held the knife to his chest. "I don't want you to kill him either."

Andras shrugged, "I suppose I can let Victoria do so?"

"I don't want him to die." 

Andras snickered and peered past Drake at Alexander, "We can't let him get away now. He knows too much, and he'll put a charge against you."

The regret nested in his lungs. "I-I don't care."

"Well, I do. I'd rather none of us get involved with too much of a mess, so for the preservation of what we have going on, he has to die." Andras waved his open hand in front of Drake again, "You won't have to deal with it, though; I'll make sure there's nothing left." 

He had known Andras for several months. He was young, intelligent, and powerful. Someone who Drake admittedly feared. Because of it, he could feel his hand loosen its grip on the blade. 

It almost slipped like butter on a heated pan from his grasp into Andras's. He kept it from doing so. It might have been the confidence he worked up with Andras. "I said we're not killing him." Or it could be the defiance he always had when the weak were in danger.

Andras's eyes went from the dagger and up to Drake. Nothing about Andras looked unnerved by the sudden revolt. He was placid. 

"You'd rather protect someone you hate over someone who helped you." 

Drake repeated himself. "I don't want him to die."

"We all die sometime." Andras grabbed the blade with glowing eyes. He had a cloak over his body. "Now move."

It left like a final warning. Drake had the displeasure of being on the receiving end. Up until this point, Andras's gaze contained a charismatic charm. What he gave Drake now was an ultimatum. 

I'm not a hero. I won't win. 

Andras killed many others before Drake or showed them the 'proper way' of doing things. He didn't want to be an example, nor did he want to die for Alexander.

Not that he had the choice anymore. He already grabbed Andras's arm and flipped him to the ground. 

It all happened so fast. Drake didn't know he did it. He only came to his senses when he heard the cackling. 

Andras sat up quickly and looked over at Drake. "The fun way it is," He sprang to his feet effortlessly and in a swift motion like he pulled electricity particles out of thin air; his fingers crackled. 

There was little of a warning or time to move. He aimed it at Drake, and the charge struck him and sparked off to the lights nearby, making them pop and riddle the floor with glass.

The volt made Drake's body convulse, and heat so rapidly it boiled at the front of his flesh. Then, it all vanished. The pain, sight, everything for a few seconds.

And a new breath entered his lungs, the sight of splattered blood and melted flesh around him. The original hit had made his body burst, and he regenerated when it settled.

He didn't even get a chance to recover, either. Andras sprang on top of him before he got up. 

Not a sound left his mouth before Andras threw his hand in front of it. Another burst of blue consumed his vision and erupted into his head. It threw him to the aching darkness. 

When his body reconstructed him, he huffed. Andras's grip shifted to Drake's neck. Andras licked Drake's blood from his face. 

"Learned yet?"

In defiance, he tried to shout a spell. The surge from the fellow's fingertips expelled up his neck. 

This time, the darkness was more of a fuzzy blur before his body fixed itself. 

Drake wouldn't stop either; again and again, he continued only to have his head, jaw, neck, even eyes, and hands fired and blown to pieces. 

Soon, he itched for energy. He stopped paying attention to the blood-soaked villain. He was feeling too cold for that. 

"You'll die soon," Andras said.

He's right. The thought that he'd go out so pitifully enraged him, not like this. Yet, somehow, he figured that's how it would end. He heard countless stories of those who were flawless, dying young. They'd be torn apart too many times. 

Drake was hitting his limit. A vampire could keep coming back until their energy ran out. 

He'd die with many eyes around him as the guests and workers had come to see what was happening. 

That was also why Drake couldn't believe Alexander got behind Andras.

Andras glanced back in time for an eruption of force to send him back into a few of his employees. 

Alexander yanked Drake's bloodied body from the ground, "Get out of here." He barked. He looked as pitiful as Drake with the continuous twitches of his barely listening form. 

The onlookers fled for safety while the workers were up in arms, ready to attack them. 

"I'm not running away." Drake spat in time to see the spark from across the room come at them. 

It suddenly hit a constructed barrier that Alexander made to protect them. 

I'm not going to die being rescued. Drake took his opportunity and used what made a flawless so special besides their blood. 

As long as he saw the magic performed, his mind temporarily saved it like data. He copied every motion perfectly. 

What was left flooded into his arms—the air crackled and buzzed, making the hair of the two stand up on end. He threw his arms forward, his handicap making it stronger, and it whipped back just as hard. 

Unlike how the spell should have worked, Drake shouldn't have received any backlash, and it should have gone directly to his prey. Instead, it fried his arms and launched itself in several spiral waves, propelling themselves at Andras and everything around him. 

Drake's arms didn't heal after that. His energy seemed to leave with his first breath after that. He lost his sensations from hearing, taste, smell, and touch, and then,

his sight.

...

The wakefulness of being alive left a faint, foul taste in his mouth. It was a familiar one, too—the blood of a hybrid.

He forced back the taste coating his tongue and supposed his reason for being alive. 

His eyes lazily tried to search over the mostly pearl-colored room before being interrupted by a chipper tone. 

She threw herself onto one side of the bed, near Drake's face. "DRAKE!"

He figured the calm quietness of the sudden noise made his ears ring. "Ow, yeah..."

His sister pulled back and hovered near his bed instead of pressing on it. "Sorry."

"It was your voice, not your position." Drake didn't feel comfortable with her so close anyway. She had started biting people not too long ago. "Where am I?"

He turned his head away, and his eyes fell on Alexander. He slouched back, playing a game with earbuds on. Drake found it odd that no one else was around.

"You're in a C.P.P.A. infirmary. They brought you here to ask questions about the whole...thing." His sister's dance around the topic couldn't be any more apparent. 

He shifted under the fitted sheets. 

Drake felt so tired that he wanted to drift back. He didn't dare ask where the rest of the family was. He figured they didn't want to talk to him. He also assumed Wenna only came out of pity and Alexander, maybe he wants to finish me off. 

"I should probably go tell everyone you're awake. It'll distract them from trying to find that guy themselves and kill him for trying to kill you-" she realized what she said and slowly tapered off. "both."

Wenna dryly chuckled and sprang from her seat. She gave a wave and left the room. 

Drake side-eyed Alexander, "You lied to them?"

"You weren't gonna do it," Alexander said, barely looking up from his game, meaning he heard the conversation the whole time. 

"I got you into that situation!" Drake gripped at the frustration he wanted Alexander to have at him. 

Alexander shrugged, "and? We're both out."

"Are you stupid?" Drake growled. He's just letting me off like everyone else. "What if I didn't help you?!"

"Then I would have died."

Why doesn't he care about his own life? Drake sat up. His body hurt, but he ignored it. "YOU SHOULD BE PISSED."

Alexander looked more interested in his game.

Drake couldn't hear any signs of worry, not even anger. He threw himself up from the bed; Alexander lurched toward Drake, moving his game aside to catch him in case he fell. 

"Get your ass into bed." Alexander snapped. 

Drake slapped at Alexander's hands that reached at him. The brands of guilt burned hotter against every part of his body. "Why would you even help me after what I did! I treated you like shit."

"Get into bed."

Drake refused. His legs shook, unable to hold his own weight. "Pity? Obligation? Bragging rights? Make me feel awful? Kill me yourself?" Drake needed some kind of answer. He needed it to justify himself in some kind of way. "Answer me!" His voice broke in a pleading desperation.

Alexander grabbed Drake's arms. "Don't ask me stupid questions. I don't need a fucking reason to do the right thing." Alexander threw Drake back on the bed. "I will bind your ass to that bed if you get up again when you can barely walk. You had a sliver of energy left after you blasted that curly-haired weirdo. You shouldn't even be alive."

I shouldn't. Drake remembered the taste in his mouth when he woke up. It was clear Alexander gave him his blood to survive. 

Drake heard the approaching heartbeats from outside the door and lowered his head in defeat. He couldn't think of what to say to Alexander. He just sat back and was swarmed by everyone else.

...

Hey, you, thank you so much for reading. I'm glad I put out a story that people can enjoy! I hope you continue to enjoy it as WE have a LOT more to go! YOU BETTER KEEP PROSPERING! (Nonnegotiable, as always~).

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Catch up, see some maps/art, or check the latest release dates down below  ↓ ↓ ↓ 

What I’d do for a Livable Income Part 2 (Synopsis/Chapter - List)

[bellamer]

My mom wants to go to Disney World for her 50th birthday because apparently when she went back in the 80s when she was like a kid or preteen idk they had to leave super super early because her horny ass cousins went running off with boys and trying to say that they had boyfriends now and got caught with the boys on It’s A Small World and my great aunt told them all to get in the car and that they were never coming back

My mom got to ride a total of 2 rides and she never forgave her cousins for it because they were only there for like two hours and only got to explore one park and her cousins fucked it up because of raging teenage hormones

And I deadass just want to go because my dad promised me a million times he’d take me but instead took his girlfriend’s kids on cruises because one of her girlfriend’s daughters was dying. Mind you they always said she was on the brink of death. That was almost ten years ago. And then that bitch didn’t die until February of this year. I genuinely don’t care if I sound cruel or not because yeah it’s my dads fault mainly but it still hurts to see your dad bend over backwards for someone else’s grown ass adult daughter but he just forgets about you, who’s a child who wants her father but barely sees him. I’ll forever be bitter I don’t care. I’ll die bitter.

Hopefully I’ll get to enjoy the time with my mom. Maybe it’s my time to go because Tiana has a ride now and maybe it’ll heal my inner child just a little.

[shadowredfeline]

Four in One Post

For my A-Pal's two On These Day Posts.

You know that Red Panda does look a lot like Retsuko from Aggretsuko. And not only does she have her show on Netflix, I remember she got to be in Hello Kitty Island Adventure when I always play it on my iPad. But a good game for my A-Pal to give a try. Plus the settings would always put us at ease with the music and all. And for the Chips and Candy. I do have some Barbecue chips that I might have as a snack, but since my sister's birthday is in 3 days, her Work Place is going to celebrate her birthday with her since we're going to have a party with her in 4 days. That's what my sister decided to do for a Two Day Birthday thing. Which happened the same with me 2 years ago when I went Swimming with my Social Club on a Saturday and had my birthday on Sunday. And I think it's gonna happen to me again when I go to the Social Club in 3 months. And I have plenty of Kit Kat candy bars. And if my A-Pal did post about a Kit Kat, I might pick one up at the center, but I just had Broccoli and I am going easy on the Sweets. Even my sister just tried out her new Cotton Candy machine she got. But man my mom and my sister are so obsessed with wanting to start running businesses with food as well as for the Church.

And for my P-Pal's On These Day Posts

That would be a good idea. We can even have our OC Couples on a cruise together and when Summer comes into my Country, we can also have them at the beach too, or go to a Studio as well for a tour or a competition on a game show.

And with Earth day one.

Normally I wasn't a fan of celebrating that day, not even when my Social Club had to do some lame gardening stuff. But I do like to go for a walk around the town to see the environment. And I didn't make any Earth day stuff since I just finished making a Story based on a Cartoon I used to watch as a kid. As well as for playing video games and doing Voice Chat with some of my friends.

[teukquila]

Reflections on Maverick

A year ago, today, I watched Top Gun: Maverick in theatres for the first time. I’ve seen the first Top Gun before, sure, but anyone who knew me will tell you I was not someone with Tom Cruise posters on my wall or had any kind of interest in the United States Navy. Regardless, whatever demons compelled me were strong enough to move my legs to the living room, walk right up to my parents and say “let's go watch the new Top Gun movie tonight”— and we did. 

What happened next can only be described as pivotal. In all seriousness, going to the movies has always been integral part of growing up in my family. I remember my mom telling me about her dad making sure he took her and her siblings out to the cinema at least once a week, a ritual my mom has attempted to keep up with me and my brothers. My grandfather’s promise resulted in my mom spoiling every Paul Newman picture I put on the television screen before I even hit play, but her ensuring I saw a 5’7 man from New Jersey scale the Burj Khalifa on the Big Screen makes up for it.  My family even ventured out in the brief window of time when the theatres opened to see Tenet (back to the Movies indeed). But watching Maverick was another experience entirely. Every single seat in the theatre was filled, from the elderly couple in front of me to the kid behind me who loudly asked “is he dead?” when the Darkstar went down (everyone laughed, by the way). On the way out, I took a poster. It remains the only film poster I have taken from a theatre.

Maverick gave this audience a dose of something that we have all felt a severe deficiency of in recent years: sincerity. The film is sincere all the way through. It is sincere in its commitment to the genre and it is sincere in its presentation to the audience, even relegating a large part of its promotion to the sincerity of the In-Jet flight sequences. Before the film even begins there is a sincere form of gratitude that the lead actor and producer Tom Cruise gives the audience. This “thank you for coming to the movies” pre-show speech has been referenced to death and copied by a large portion of theatrical releases, but never done to the same effect as Cruise’s (for reasons I might discuss at another time). The genuine effort in the film was palpable, at no point did anyone in the theatre feel like they were failing a test because they did not do their Top Gun Lore homework, or that the filmmakers were patronizing them for even being there. 

The film is more effective in its summer of ‘22 release than it would have been if it had come to us in a timeline where everything had not gone to shit in 2020. The constant trend of postmodern irony and self-reflective fourth wall-breaking deconstruction but never reconstruction that just leaves us standing anxious on a non-construction have left many tired, yearning for the strong foundations that modernist films did and did well. Nostalgia was at an all-time high and we all wanted to not be Here. We wanted an ideal world where sons reconcile with their father figures and the water is always the right temperature for beach football. Where the rules of a two-ball football game did not even exist but the sun was out, One Republic is playing, and we are all hot as hell so who even cares. Many have lamented that there is no villain in Top Gun: Maverick just because its not the one in the MIGs. The villain is the idea that those humans on the beach do not matter. The idea that after all their efforts, they don't deserve to come home to that beach and enjoy their nonsensical football game. Every time we enter a theatre, we sign a contract with the projector to inhabit whatever world they have prepared for us, and that world is our home for the next 2ish hours will be. Maverick teaches the Dagger Squad how to come home, Tom Cruise shows us what that home we deserve is. He filled the seats, turned the lights down, and showed us what his home for us will be for the next 2 hours. Our home had love, forgiveness, sincerity, and ambition, coupled with real planes, real G’s, the world’s tightest screenplay, and some real good sound. Maverick took you for a ride and kindly dropped you off as you exit the theatre with a Tony Scott sunset on the horizon.

[calliecat93]

Well, we're at the end of 2023. I keep going back and forth, feeling like the year went on forever and like it just started. Weird, huh? So things in the world this year... yeah I don't need to say much on the state of things. All I can say is that I hope 2024 will be better... and that Trump doesn't make it into office. Things WILL get worse for everyone if that happens, and that's all I will say about it.

Anyways, my personal life. It actually wasn't too bad. I got to go on my first-ever cruise at the end of April and the first real vacation that I had had since I was a kid. It was such an amazing time~! I even got to hug Mickey Mouse for the first time in 20 years~! Speaking of though, I've done a hard step away from animation. I still reblog stuff, but I'm not as into looking into things like voice actors or history and stuff anymore. The past few years of industry drama utterly drained me and killed a lot of my love and passion for entertainment in general, and it was time to realize that, step back, and let myself begin just enjoy watching things again. Which I have been doing slowly. It's sad, but accepting that I don't want a part of the animation world and remain a casual fan was the right thing to do. I'll always love it, but I don't want to be a part of that world as a career or anything anymore.

Doing so has helped me decide on what I want to do though. Mom had been trying to convince me for years to get into culinary since I both liked it and was good at it. I was reluctant because it's VERY high stress... but I've gotten really into baking and I've decided that I'd like to pursue that as a career. It's fun, not so stressful that I can't handle it, and I'm good at it. I'm hoping to go back to school as the community college here has a culinary program where I can get a baking certification. But yeah, it was a life change that needed to happen.

Otherwise, this was one of my calmer years. There wasn't some major family tragedy for the first time in like five years, Thank God. I turned 30... so I'm old. We adopted out dog Dante that past December and I utterly love him with all my heart. I got my learner's permit a few days ago so I'm one step closer to being able to get my life going. I've fully accepted being sapphic and once I can drive and stuff I'd like to be able to start maybe dating for the first time. I think overall I finally realized how stilted my life had become since my dad died in 2018, but I lacked any motivation and drive to change it or do anything. IDK what's changed, but I want to start living my life and continuing to make progress on that is my goal for 2024.

Fandom life has been a lot slower. Probably as a result of me realizing that I should actually focus on my real life. But it's not dead either. RWBY Volume 9 finally came out and while I almost quit when it did, I stuck to it. I'm glad I did because it's now my favorite volume of the show and while I'm honestly convinced V10 won't happen, if it does I'll be here for it. My TOS passion got reignited, so much so that I had to make a sideblog to contain it all. I haven't really gotten into anything new, really with the state of things, I'm almost afraid to even try any new shows. Like I said, I've been focusing on just enjoying stuff again so it's just been whatever I see around getting reblogged. I guess that made things dull on here, but it did good for me, and in the end that's what I use this blog for. I've even started to get back into fanfic writing after all the RT drama got to me so bad I quit after finally getting over my writing anxiety. But I hope that's a good sign of finally moving forward.

Overall, I know that the world is in dire straits right now. My personal life wasn't too bad this year, but it sucks to think bout how so many have suffered and I can't really do anything about it. Like I said, I hope that 2024 will be better for everyone. Regardless I hope that you all have a Happy New Year and as we enter Year 12 of the blog, I thank you all once again for having stuck with me. See you all in 2024~!

[creations-by-chaosfay]

My new desk arrived, and I have assembled it.

The height is completely adjustable, which is fantastic for us short folks (I'm barely over 5 feet tall). I can get new inserts if I purchase different machines in the future. Plus, this folds up and has a special case to carry it in, which is ideal for those who go to quilt events where there are classes (my mom and aunt went in a quilting cruise a few years ago and were irritated by the desks provided).

There are different desk options as well. This is the big desk. There's a smaller one available as well. Plus you can purchase extension table that matches height. I don't have the space for an extra table, but that's fine by me.

With all the stuff I got for it, like two inserts as well as a wooden one to fill the gap is I need to use this as a proper table, it came to $750 USD, including shipping, and arrived in two boxes. One insert was cracked because FedEx is made of shit, so the company is sending me a free replacement. SewEzi has fantastic customer service. I had to call because the instructions weren't as clear as I need them to be (learning disabilities are so much fun /s) and they cleared things up very politely and made zero fuss.

I'm so very happy right now. Most sewing desks I found that have insert options cost significantly more than this. In the future, when we remodel the house, my sewing room will be expanded into the backyard and will be at least 15x15 feet. Right now? 10x8 feet, but I make it work. Especially now that we own our home. Soon there shall be shelving on the walls for me to put a bunch of my stuff, as well as a thread thing to store my thread on the wall.

Here's the website:

If you're looking for a sewing desk on the more affordable/less expensive end, this is a good option.

[thelioncourts]

Tbh I think you are the only white loustat fan Ive seen here who is actually interested in louis as a character and not just an extension of lestat? Once you realize most of the fandom only sees louis as part of lestat's story it makes sense why there's little to no loumand content.

Let me talk about Louis. Let. Me. Talk. About. Louis.

I have been a Louis fan since I read Interview for the first time. I was....15 (?), maybe 16, and had finally convinced myself I could read Iwtv. (For those that don't know, Iwtv has been part of my life since I was born; I was named after Kirsten Dunst in the movie (my parents were raging Tom Cruise fans in the '90s, this is how that all happened) and so my whole life was 'being named from some vampire movie.' Problem? I hated blood growing up; couldn't look at it on a screen, couldn't think about it, made me nauseous. So as cool as vampires were, it took me time to read and watch it because 🤢).

Anyway.

So I read Interview, and I don't just read it, I devour it. I was obsessed. My mom had me on a book-buying ban so I couldn't buy anymore of the series, so I just reread Interview over and over again.

2-3 years later, I'm in college and have a little bit of money of my own, and I buy TVL and QotD. And -- and it took me forever to read TVL. It wasn't anything against Lestat necessarily, but 1) anyone that has read these books knows it's kind of like whiplash when you go to TVL and Lestat's narration is...well, Lestat lol and 2) I had fallen in love, long ago, with Louis' way of speaking.

But I eventually power through (and I love TVL. Arguably the best book of the series (???)). But then. Then I start getting into TotBT. And it's great! Lestat and Louis have some amazing moments and I adored so many parts of it, and it may be the general funniest book of the series. But also David is introduced and I could feel myself worrying.

Anyway, to make my relationship with book-Louis shorter, I struggled tremendously to read the rest of the series. Louis started getting mentioned less and less and less, and it became obvious for a time that he and Lestat were just. On different paths, as it seemed, and wouldn't really cross again and I was heartbroken and devastated. I missed Louis. I missed his outlooks and the way he and Lestat spoke to one another and his beauty and the way Lestat talked about him. The final "trilogy" of Prince Lestat was a godsend for me, personally, because it brought Louis back, it brought Louis and Lestat back, and it felt better, felt complete.

But! Show Louis.

So I followed the production of IwtV religiously for a while. Anne sold rights in 2016 and it seemed like it was happening! Then there was nothing for some time. I remember a vague 2019 article about it and, at that point, I was just in the "I'll believe it when I see it" category.

All of a sudden, it's happening before I even know it. And casting is announced. And I was -- so hesitant at both Sam and Jacob's casting. Sam because Lestat is such a character that I really was just like, "Can this man embody Lestat in the way Lestat should exist in this world?" (The answer is a resounding yes, x336548483929299485577838291038475747372272884) and with Jacob, I hadn't known of the time change yet and I was like....what are y'all doing?

Then I learned of the time change and I got nervous all over again because change is, y'know, sometimes scary when you know things. And Louis is everything to me and I was like, "Please do justice by him."

Oh. My. God.

There are a couple of things to mention here, namely the writing and Jacob's acting.

When it comes to the writing, I want to kiss anyone and everyone involved in developing Louis' story the way they did. Everything -- from his profession to his relationship with Paul and religion and sexuality and his mother and Grace and just -- everything, is so nuanced and beautiful and complex and having multiple episodes that showcase what all Louis really went through (both before and after being a vampire) and what he lost through all of it is just stunning. And it's one of those things that Louis' race, in particular, has made him such a better character because of what his struggles bring to the table. He is a queer black man, something that is not shown a ton in media, and he is a queer black man born into Jim Crow America, making a name for himself in a world that doesn't want him to succeed in any capacity. And he pushes and works because he's doing what's best by his family, even if they don't see it that way sometimes, and he endures because it's the only way to survive, and when vampirism comes in this box of a beautiful man promising him the world, he takes it, and yet he still tries to do good by his name, he still tries to be what he considers to be morally good. And he may be misguided on what good is, and he may be doing the wrong thing sometimes, but he is always trying. And I just think he's beautiful; both physically and emotionally beautiful.

I've found myself thinking so long and so hard on Louis' past; what his dad may have been like, what it was like being the oldest sibling and knowing he was one of the only ones that truly saw Paul and loved him, knowing that he could never be himself because queer and black and godly don't go together and just ! What was the Pointe du Lac household like when Louis started working in Storyville? What exact experiences, beyond Jonah, did Louis have with men? How many were good, were bad, were scary perhaps? Did he ever come close to an actual relationship or was he too busy saving his family and trying not to disappoint a god that wasn't there for him? What was it like when Paul was in the hospital in Jackson? Did Louis go see him and read to him, like when they were kids? And now, in Louis' vampirism, how is he going to come to terms with his blood drinking? How exactly to we go from, what we can imagine to be, absolute suicidal devastation and emptiness after losing Claudia to the flirty enigmatic boy at the bar in the 1970s flashback? When will 2022!Louis fully break, and show us that LDPDL is still very much in there and full of that specific fight that drew Lestat to him in the first place?

And JACOB. I could never have asked for a better person to play Louis. He brings everything anyone could want to the table. He's Louis' beauty, he's Louis' quiet rage, he's Louis' tenderness, he's Louis' bookishness, he's Louis' love, he's Louis in every possible way. He brings such a complexity to Louis and, most importantly, he brings him to life. I cannot think of Louis now in any other capacity than Jacob Anderson. I am so grateful for him and for the work he's put in and the way his entire heart is in this role.

So, yes. I love Louis. I love Louis as a character all on his own because he's, quite literally, everything to me.

[chocoenvy]

heyo, it’s me pretty anon. (i like it better than bully anon too :))

i think i fucked up

so, i’ll keep this simple since i need to go to bed cause it’s like 4:30am and i get up at 8 lmao.

since the cruise my dad and step-mom decided to physically split as well. my dad is signing for a divorced in the next couple of days. my step-mom is in a completely different state rn with her youngest daughter and mother. my mom mom doesn’t know about the divorced and honestly i think no one’s told her since we don’t wanna hear it.

so um, i haven’t really gotten a chance to talk to anyone about this stuff since i live in a small town and everyone knows everyone yknow? so firstly, thank you for letting me vent. it’s nice to talk to someone the same age anonymously. you give good advice.

anyway, all of this has kinda been building up on me, which is super weird cause i thought i wouldn’t care. i’m a senior in high school rn so it’s not like i can’t go visit her once i graduate. and my dad and step mom are both encouraging me to keep up a relationship with her. she wasn’t really around much and when she was it was only ever good one on one since with my dad it would be borderline abusive. (or maybe actually abusive, i’m not really sure i know how to identify it. it just seems normal to me)

my dad also asked me if i had contacted my step mom like a couple days after she left. i’d been wanting to but i had no idea what to say to her. so i didn’t. he said to me, and i don’t think i’ll ever forget this, “oh. i thought you loved her.” in the most casual tone. my heart is broken. i got really upset with him and he literally could not comprehend why. i’m starting to second guess myself if i loved her or not. i know for a fact that i did, but does she know it?

so yknow the new ios 16 update? weird change of pace i know but i swear it’s important. well i just decided like an hour ago to get it and i fucking hate it. fun fact, if you have spotify on and your phone turns off then they change YOUR LOCKSCREEN to match the spotify song. wtf. well i started off hating it cause i had to scroll through over 2,000 photos just to find the exact same ones i was currently using (it’s venti and xiao btw) and i started hyperventilating.

well i was doing my daydreams when i realized the spotify thing. and i completely stopped. i had a full blown panic attack for at least 45 minutes. i was hyperventilating so hard i honestly thought i was going to passed out. i later down so i at least wouldn’t fall and everything.

i think i panicked because of all the penh up emotions that i have going on rn.

after i finally calmed down, i went over to plug in my chrome book for school. and then i remembered i had an eyebrow razor in my backpack…

i think you know what i meant when i said i fucked up.

it was only four cuts. not deep enough to draw blood except for one, all tiny on my thigh where no one can see them. i can’t believe i did it though. and the worst part, the absolute worst part is, the relief i felt? it’s like i actually have control.

i know you said the ice cube method. i’ve actually told other freinds going through a hard time about it too. but at the moment, i just wasn’t thinking straight.

im scared im gonna do it again. any ideas on what i should do? lol

with love, pretty anon

HELLO PRETTY <33 I'm so sososososo sorry for answering this so late but!

tw: self harm, relapses, sensitive topics

It's completely valid and I cannot fault you for relapsing it is a very normal part of healing. So long as you get back up, everything will be okay I promise.

But! I remembered an app that I had come across some years ago. I forgot the name and when I tried to look it up i found calm harm.

The app I thought of describes self harm as a wave. The want to harm yourself flows in and then out. It comes and goes. The trick is to distract yourself before the feeling takes over your actions. Calm Harm definitely helps with it from what I've seen. I've never tried these apps though. There are also counters that count how long you've gone without cutting if that kind of thing helps.

Would definitely recommend! As well as watching videos or creating a playlist full of videos/songs that make you happy! Find something that makes you happy and hold onto it for when you need it! I can completely understand not being in the right state of mind and forgetting it which is why you should have it on your phone so you can access it before you can access something else. It also helps if you're ever in public - or even in private - and need to calm down.

Gather resources to prepare for these down times. It'll help!

I understand that self harm can feel good, god trust me I know, but it's not worth it. There are other things that can make you feel better than self harm can. And I can't speak for you but after I self harm I just feel so much shame?? And fear?? Mostly because I don't want someone to find them but I just feel ashamed.

I can't explain it and I really don't have much room to talk because I'm still stuck in self harm. But if it means anything, I would be very proud to see you heal from this <3

I'm glad you can talk about this anonymously but if you ever need to talk to me one on one my dms are always open <3

Take care! And I'm sorry for answering so late, I hope you're okay <33