#like yeah that looks like the kind of shit i do except yknow what?? i like it! and it sounds like something actually helpful and not..

[zombiepatch]

wanting to start a commonplace notebook has led to me getting a ton of journaling video recs on youtube with pristine handwriting and flawless design choices and i feel like i'm actively trying to parry them away from me.

i have awful handwriting and i feel like i ruin everything i touch, i like the idea of a commonplace notebook bc it feels ACTUALLY useful, and i dont wanna be scared out of starting one!!

[lord-squiggletits]

Your Tarn posts make me think about him more

He's a victim but he has so many victims himself, but the person that he is, that cause those victims, was delibrately cultivated. Tarn of the DJD was intentional, and that worse somehow

I have to ask, what do you think it would look like if Tarn, somehow & for whatever reason, decided to take the road of healing, to put whatever pieces of himself back together

YEAH I THINK SO FUCKING MUCH ABOUT THAT, even from my first MTMTE read when I didn't care much about him as a blorbo, I thought it was crazily compelling how Tarn was at once an absolute terrifying monster but also the most pathetic, sad little bully boy in an oversized body at the same time akldjlfksd. Like, you look at Tarn and the horrible shit he did to Pharma, all the victims of the DJD, Skids, the alt. Lost Light, etc and he seems like a completely unstoppable force. Then you actually look behind the mask and Tarn's just so... incredibly short-sighted, blindly worships, really volatile and thoughtless, and ultimately gets his shit rocked by Megatron in what's basically a no-contest loss. It feels really bad like... how can it be that someone so pathetic was able to cause so much destruction before he was put down? In the ideal world, you want to believe that shitty, weak people are powerless, but it turns out that sometimes shitty, weak people can actually be in positions of power (in terms of hierarchy, physical might, politics, etc) and when they do they can hurt an incredibly disproportionate amount of people compared to their actual strength of character as a person. As an example, pre-insanity/mania Pharma was so obviously a better person than Tarn, but look how that ended up: this absolute prodigy of a doctor, next in line to be CMO, a normal good Autobot in all accounts. Gets completely wrecked and turned into a mentally ill, insane asshole that loses everything and everyone he ever valued, and Tarn literally never even thinks about him again. God.

As to how I'd handle Tarn healing arc...

The short answer: I actually want to write about Tarn taking a road of healing, heel-face turn arc in the Pen Pals Tarnma AU I've talked about occasionally on this blog/in asks! So... when I post that fic, literally just (gestures at the whole thing)

The long answer:

If canon-divergent, it'd be Dying of the Light but Tarn and co. stop fighting Megatron bc of how pathetic he is. The DJD basically merge forces with Deathsaurus' Decepticons, and they make a sort of neo-Decepticon movement fighting the Galactic Council/Black Rock Consortia. Tarn isn't really a better person morally speaking (yknow the hating organics and wanting conquest thing), but he'd definitely be put on a path where he divorces his sense of self from Megatron and focuses more on his group of comrades: he finds meaning from a collective rather than from worshiping an individual as a god, and Tarn experiences healing from that fact bc instead of a fucked up grooming/parasocial relationship with a distant, uncaring leader, he's actually having real, tangible bonds with people who are equal to him and love and respect him. So, probably still really fanatical to his ideals, but he's a fanatic who loves his comrades as much as he loves his cause.

In a nonspecified AU, let's say during the war with Decepticon Megatron, I think the only way Tarn could get better would be if Megatron got better and then took the time/care to make Tarn better along with him. Unfortunately, Tarn has been manipulated in such a way that Megatron is literally his entire axis of morality/purpose/etc, and I think he doesn't have enough agency and independence to start healing except unless Megatron says "shittiest of my sons, why don't you deradicalize and maybe you'll calm down." It'd basically take Megatron un-grooming Tarn first, and then for Tarn to get some kind of purpose/relationship outside of him for Tarn to regain the independence he had as Damus, which would then allow him to pull the rest of the way from Megatron and go his own way. (Incidentally, this is what happens in the Pen Pals AU)

In a scenario that I don't even know how it'd happen but I desperately want it to happen: Optimus "I can fix him" Prime and Tarn are forced to work together in some capacity which leads to a slowburn mending of their relationship. Not like Tarn becomes an Autobot, or goes back to being Damus, but like... idk, Optimus is the one to deradicalize Tarn and make him realize that Megatron manipulated the shit out of him. Somehow. I would really like these two to interact so badly, and for Tarn to also have a mentor/paternal-esque relationship with someone besides Megatron. (This also happens in Pen Pals AU ldskfjlsd I told you that fic was the true Tarn Redemption Story dlksfjlsdsf)

[spandexual]

Hello!

Really having lots and lots toku thoughts today and eager to ask or say stuff

I actually keep thinking of Naoto with gunshot wound. I’m also thinking what if it’s completely other Naoto from the ending entirely but he still has them. I’m wondering what Tatsuya would think if they met. If he saw. Don’t know how he would since bird seller Naoto is hidden behind two layers of clothes lol I am thinking it. What did you do to me omg /affectionately

I’m also thinking, was Daiki that OOC in Super Hero Taisen? It’s always so fucking funny how he went I’m blowing up Earth because of his Tsukasa Problem™️ so I never thought if that was unusual of him (re: bro, you are supposed to protect it). But. Like, listen, if pink/black leather bombshell is leaving you for a sexy pirate, what else can you do, really. Daiki has been putting up with it for years, and not that successfully so

Also want to ask, haven’t finished enough toku to know but are there any other aro and/or ace characters to headcanon except like Tarou out of all people or Goseigers being angels who are more or less above it even if they have stuff going on (coughs in Agri’s direction, the ultra super puper gay). Sighs, I love Tarou aro lol and his yaois with monkey 💙 are so fun too. Actually, now that I think about it, monkey isn’t much of a human too really, maybe they’re both above romance, not like they need it. I also saw edit of monkey’s actor on some BL yesterday and when a guy smacked him with a vibrator, I thought, “That’s what Momoi does to Saruhara every single day”

the Timeranger finale credits scene is so interesting to me because truly What Does It Mean. In my mind all of the appearances were non-canon but I kind of like the idea that Ryuga's wibbly-wobbly time-wimey history-rewritey bullshit kinda restored Naoto into the timeline but as a different man with a different life story than the one who died. Like maybe after he and Tatsuya parted ways he realised that he was never going to have the power of the born elite and instead of being radicalised by that he instead accepted it and decided to make the best of his own life. Instead of chasing medals he got a job cleaning up bird shit and feathers at the local pet shop, instead of dedicating his life to climbing the paramilitary ladder he proved himself a reliable hand and now manages the pet store by himself... I don't think Tatsuya would recognise him. Even if he did, I don't know if he'd be able to handle it. His relationship with Naoto and how it ended both times was clearly so traumatic to him, seeing a guileless stranger with the face of a man who died in his arms would be alien. It wouldn't be healthy. There's no happy ending for either of them together, but apart, maybe.

also yeah Daiki is the #1 fumbler in the universe it's pretty impressive. Like he didn't stand a chance against Marvy-chan to begin with but the real tragedy there is that Daiki thinks they're confirmed boyfriends and that he doesn't need to seduce Tsukasa because he's already done it but Tsukasa straight up doesn't know who he is any more. yknow how so many straight dudes basically stop even pretending to actually like their wives the second they get married. that's Daiki lowkey lol.

and tbh I think there are a LOT of aro/ace-adjacent readings in toku in that for the most part romance isn't rly a thing in a lot of them. Tarou and Alata are probably the two I would say most confidently are ace (and aro on Tarou's side... idc what easily-baited-by-INOUE-of-all-people fujoshis say, that shit with Sonoi was NOT romantic on his end at all. there are monster pairings that had more romantic tension from the hero's side) with the majority just having no romantic storylines (in their actual shows at least... I would have said Takaharu was aroace but UMM WHY DID HE SHOW UP MARRIED WITH CHILDREN?)

but yeah monke very cute also one of the most genuinely monke looking boys toei has ever cast which is impressive seeing as. well. have you watched go-bus. that's a heartily monke boy there for sure

[slocumjoe]

do you think any of the companions drink? what would their habits be?

how the companions booze it 🍻

Cait; Hard drinker who, surprisingly, can't hold her liquor. She gets drunk quickly, but takes some time to drop out of the race, so to speak. Obviously, she used drink out of trauma response, but having gotten clean from the drug addiction, Cait drinks sparingly and rarely. Like, actually eats as she does so. Doesn't drink water because Cait isn't a water drinker. Her drunkenness depends heavily on her mood pre-boozing. Her booze of choice is beer.

Curie; does not drink. However, did try wine. Did not like it. She just makes sure there's water and food available for the local alcoholics, and badgers them to partake in such necessities. The worst days at the clinic are days after a party and she likes to lessen that load as much as possible.

Danse; Alcoholic. One of the alcoholics Curie is always after. Danse drinks when he doesn't have work, to sleep. No exception. And he drinks a fucking LOT. Like...opposite to Cait, he takes a lot to get drunk, and even more to fall down. He chugs vodka, whiskey, tequila...basically, if even one shot isn't for the faint of heart, Danse takes swigs right from the bottle. It impresses some people, but he isn't doing it to impress. Danse isn't that kind of person who takes pride in his alcoholism. This problem gets worse after BB, but he gradually gets better as time goes on.

Deacon; used to have a problem, so now alcohol is kind of a...soft no. He'll have a drink. A drink. And it won't be anything too crazy. A glass of wine, a beer or two, maybe a shot. He drinks as a social thing, just to be polite. Customs, yknow? Besides, he wants to keep his head clear. Also suffers from bad hangovers. The type to spend the whole morning puking even if he didn't have that much.

Gage: Also used to have a problem. He wasn't an alcoholic, but rather, weak to peer pressure. He wanted to impress all the big tough raiders by putting away as much crap as they could. And for the most part, Gage very much could outdrink most people. But being that drunk that often is not safe for a young man in his position, and he learned real quick that its better to the smart stick in the mud than the fun, cool, vulnerable target.

Hancock; the type of guy to think his problem makes him cool and fun. Im sorry, but he is. Hancock is the kind of person who's like "yeah man I was barely walking and shit, I had like, 30 shots or something? Haha I forget dude! So I'm like half crawling back to my place and its fucking...what, 10 in the morning? And I got work in 2 hours man, and everyone on the streets looking at me weird, ahah, shit was crazy!" Hancock drinks whatever he has, with no preference or complaint. However, there's a specific brand of whiskey that burns like a mother fucker that he likes to drink to show off. Doesn't eat or drink water. Curie has yet to give up on him in all but spirit.

MacCready; the most normal, healthy drinker. He likes the occasional beer, but his soft spot is a margarita. Or a sangria. Not into alcohol on its own. He doesn't want to taste it. He'll rarely have a drink without food. Drinking water is his weakness here, as he also isn't a water person. Mac will have a beer with dinner, and maybe another, and maybe another if the vibe is right, and if he doesn't catch himself, will end up tipsy. If he doesn't catch himself at tipsy, homeboy is getting pickled.

Nick; Used to enjoy a martini, a brandy, a wine, a rum. A gentleman of refined taste. At least, thats what he'll say. OG Nick bought his alcohol based on coupons or whatever was cheap. This man drinks bud light. Now, Nick mostly just babysits people who can get drunk. But he used to have his alcohol in accordance to whatever he was eating. Sub from the shop down the corner? Donuts? Afformentioned bud light. Dinner with Jenny, homemade seafood pasta? A wine. He's big on the idea that certain drinks have rules.

Piper; wine bitch. Drinks out of a coffee mug if ones clean. If not...girly gets a straw. She doesn't have a problem, but you wouldn't know it if you saw her while she enjoyed a drink. Wine is pretty much the only drink she likes. Beer is gross, moonshine has done enough to her, vodka is too strong to be enjoyed. She likes wine because it tastes good to her. Her taste sways towards the dry ones. Because she drinks for the taste, she isn't keen on getting drunk, so Piper is good about staying fed and hydrated. When she isn't, her hangovers are...demonic.

Preston; drinks occasionally, and never wants to get drunk. He doesn't like the feeling of being drunk, though he doesn't get hangovers. Even when inebriated, Preston mama-hens and keeps everyone eating and chugging water, so he ends up taking care of himself as well. His taste is both broad and limited. He'll drink anything—provided its local. Preston will not drink a name brand. He doesn't want Heineken, he wants Craig's magic wheat poison. He doesn't want Franzia, he wants a bottle of whatever the twitchy lesbian living in a boat house has fermenting amongst the seaweed and barnacles.

X6-88; the only alcohol you could get this man to drink is alcohol disguised as dessert. Ole Smokey banana cream moonshine comes to mind. He'll know its alcohol, you can't hide it from him, but provided its tasty enough...you might get him to indulge a little. If only for the fact that its basically candy. Otherwise, he isn't drinking. He probably can't even get drunk, not without causing a shortage.

[anaalnathrakhs]

for song, Hook in Mouth by Megadeth (it's my favorite from them, have to throw out this song to anyone who'll listen lmao) or A Tout Le Monde by Megadeth, and for an album, Rising by Rainbow <3

ooooooh is this what's gonna make me listen to some megadeth finally

Hook in Mouth

couldn’t finish it | not my thing | it’s fine | I could get into this | ooo I like | oh hell yeah | fuck this is some good shit | there aren’t even words, this transcends words

I like the instrumental break around 2:40! I dunno it's just the kind of objectively good music that I can HEAR it's good but it lacks just a liiiiitle friction for my brain to really latch onto it. The lyrics are fun too I just looked them up. Silly spelling song my beloved.

A Tout Le Monde

couldn’t finish it | not my thing | it’s fine | I could get into this | ooo I like | oh hell yeah | fuck this is some good shit | there aren’t even words, this transcends words

holy shit when the pre-chorus hits??? hello??? i think i just don't like his voice IM SORRY but the instrumental is nice and his french accent is like, surprisingly good?

Rising

Opinion on cover design: ABSOLUTE BANGER are you kidding me old school metal albums covers FUCK and this is no exception. the details? the nice landscape? the castle? the silly rainbow and the huge realistic fist?

Favourite song: in a shocking twist, local werewolf fan has fallen in love with Run With The Wolf. i don't know it makes me want to run into the forest never to return yknow? i like that in a song.

Least favourite song: I think Stargazer? i'm just not a fan of long epic songs (to listen to. i think they're rad as hell it's just i have a wee goldfish for a brain and i don't enjoy stuff too complicated) and i like the sound of it a bit less than A Light In The Black

Underrated track: well dang i'm gonna have to repeat, cuz there's not lots of songs, and if i'm following youtube views Do You Close Your Eyes is less listened to, but meh. the second least popular is Run With The Wolf and i LOVE IT BAYBEEEEE

Overrated track: same again, i dunno, i respect the wizard fantasy but sixteen minutes epics are just too stretched out for my taste. play guitar faster. (jk jk)

Rate: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

I just remembered i LOVE the Rainbow songs I've heard and I should really listen to waaaaay more of them ty ty i LOVE that album

[dapper-shipping-forever]

Jealousy

Part 1

Vash can be labeled a flirt. This definitely makes having a secret crush on him sting when that attention especially is on someone else. More 1998 T.rigun setting, Gill gets jealous.

Reblogs are appreciated. Please enjoy reading.

💜💜💜

---

It wasn't a nice feeling, jealousy. Watching someone she's in love with flirt with other women fills her with it. He's not some player, but he can be said to have a weakness for a pretty woman; complimenting and going as far as to bark when called, he enjoys flirting.

This particular woman was crossing a line. The way she leaned towards him was salacious. The slow drag of her fingers along his chest, the sultry grin she wore, and the alluring tilt of her head; none of it sat well with the bounty hunter. And what was the worst about watching this was watching Vash lean into it ! He was all sparkly eyed at her, looking as if he was definitely enjoying the attention.

From her table, too far to hear their voices given the crowded saloon, Gill watched with fingers wrinkling her dress's skirt. She had the simultaneous urge to walk to them and tell her off and then make sure he wouldn't chase more of the woman, and shameful reproach following each of those thoughts too; she has no place stopping him. What an awful friend that'd make her. 

She flinches. She is an awful friend huh? Thinking of getting in the way. It's like not his fault that she hasn't told him the way she feels about him, how deeply she loves him. 

She's convinced confessing would lead to rejection, but maybe that'd be preferable to watching him flirt; he's too kind to do it within her line of sight if he actually did know her thoughts. Then she wouldn't see him fawning for every pretty lady.

But she's too in love to confess it and hear his denial. Too in love to look away from his generous fawning.

Gill's fairly certain Vash never has actually gone further than fawning with somebody. Not when she's near. But it gives her an unsettled sort of sadness to see despite that.

She wants his attentions. Further than attentions, she craves the love of her closest companion. His gaze makes her tremble and yearn. 

Watching him watch another causes her to tremble for completely different reasons. It must show, because she sees Meryl side eyeing her; her friend knows her moods rather well. 

"This might drive me mad, Meryl." Gill sighs, allowing her head to lean and thud noislessly on the wood table she and the other girls sit at.

"Hey, it's nothing to worry about." Meryl tells her. "Vash is an oaf; he can't pull a woman."

"Except for you, of course." Milly chimes in. "Actually, I've heard a few people show interest in him. He's not somebody I'd say is my type, but he is a fairly attractive guy." Meryl kicks Milly's shin underneath the table, making her yelp; but then she does notice Gill's groan, muffled a little by the table. "Ah but of course you're the closest to him, they wouldn't stand a chance yknow !"

Meryl quickly tries to refocus the conversation to trying to pull Gill out of this little funk. "Point is, I'm sure he's not doing anything with her !" She frantically looks around, spotting Wolfwood nearby. "Wolfwood ! You were near them, right? You must've heard some of their talk."  

Wolfwood glances to them, raising an eyebrow before walking to their group. "Heard who talking?"

"Vash and that woman. What was their conversation about?" Meryl clarifies.

"Ah, those guys." Wolfwood thinks and shrugs. "Couldn't hear much of it. Said something about finding somewhere more private to talk. Maybe they're getting it on." He adds with a shit eating cheeky smile. Meryl smacks him in the chest. "Oof ! What was that about !" When Meryl just jerks her head he follows the movement to Gill, slumped on the dirty table in complete dejection. He winces just slightly. "Well, what I mean is, um, hey the guys definitely a virgin not like he's got the skills to seduce someone outta nowhere, yeah?"

"Why am I the only one here who's got any sort of actual tact?" Meryl sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose.

Gill raises her head, dragging her hands across her face. "No, no, no, it's alright. Vash can do whatever he wants to. It's not like I have any justification to stop him from," she swallows. "Enjoying a night with someone he wants to take out, it wouldn't be right."

Wolfwood just scoffs. "Glad you're a bounty hunter; you definitely wouldn't cut it out there as an actress." Meryl stomps on his foot under the table. She ignores his cursing and groaning.

Meryl scoots her wooden chair a few inches, bringing herself closer. She leans forward, elbows on the small, round table. "Hey, listen now." Her voice is quiet, and she knows Meryl is doing her best to help her. "If you want my advice, jealousy can't get you that far. I know your reasons for not confessing, and I know I can't sway you on anything like that, I think you need a girls day. It's almost time to head to bed tonight; tomorrow we should head out and get your mind off of stupid guys."

Blond curtains of hair fall in Gill's vision, she chooses not to push them back. "That sounds good."

"Also besides," Milly adds. "We're not sure he likes this girl. Mr. Vash pays attention to anything the moves."

"Yeah, he has a tendency to." It makes secretly having a crush on him more taxing than it might be otherwise. "I know that he's not the type to pick random woman to seriously court, but it feels weird watching him play with anyone."

"Hm, I'd suggest asking. But, looks like he and the skirt are leaving." Wolfwood watches the door.

Gill swivels her neck, watching too the view of Vash guiding the woman outside. She deflates, emphasized by a pathetic groan. Ahe shields her face behind her knees, heels of her palms pressing behind them. A night out with a lady, and Vash hadn't said a word.

She's coaxed to her feet by Meryl. "It's hotel time. Come on, you should sleep a minute." And the four of them wander outside.

There's no Vash standing there. No gorgeous woman standing tall outside.

The night is well towards becoming dawn when she's back in her room in the hotel all of them are staying in. Meryl and Milly sleep comfortably in another bed. Great as a couple hours of shut eye seems, that's not what Gill finds; she feels her head leaned on the wall behind her, hugging her knees on her bed. The room next to her's is where Wolfwood and Vash are bunked together. She heard the sound of wolfwood settling in a while ago. She heard no greeting when he entered. She's heard no one new come in. She's heard no footsteps in the hallway. Nearly dawn, but she hasn't heard Vash. The stampede isn't at this hotel tonight.

—

Itd taken hours to fall asleep for the night earlier. Now, with the suns trecking across the sky above them, the girls gather in the lobby. 

Gill sighs, again. Her head nestles into the cushion of the couch, edging closer to stone than soft. Meryl and Milly chat, and Gill chimes in when her attention isn't all on the hallway or the door. She never heard Vash return during the night earlier. She couldn't hear anything that told her he was in his room after she woke. Ignoring how she could hear Wolfwood moving about the room, she ponders if just maybe these walls are thicker than she'd first had thought. Perhaps he came back after she had dozed off.

Then she spots Wolfwood, yawning loudly as he walks out into the lobby. He lumbers to the unoccupied couch and drops onto the cushion. "Good morning, girls." He raises a hand in greeting.

Gill can't help herself but notice that Vash hasn't walked out as well. Her eyes flick back to the hallway then back to her friend. The other girls greet him back. "Good morning." She says. She is proud she can wait about six seconds before adding after. "Did Vash come back yesterday?"

Wolfwood slides his gaze to land on her. He raises an eyebrow with a knowing look she wants to rub off him. "Yeah, he did." He watches her shoulders fall in vast relief. "Though, it was only a couple of hours ago. Tried sneaking in."

She's glad he came back. The idea that he snuck in hours after everyone had fallen asleep for the night did unsettle her. She couldn't help imagining what he had been doing during the night that kept him away.

That's when the object of her obsession emerges. His hair is extra mused, he must've only slept a couple hours. He walks into the lobby but she realizes he's already heading out of the hotel. "Hey, Vash !" Her voice leaves without stopping to think, she calls to him because she can't bear to see him just walk out without saying anything to them, though mostly herself. She gets off the couch, walking towards him.

Does she hallucinate the way he cringes? He pivots and smiles to her. But his eyes flickered towards the door; he does want to leave quick. "Hey, Gill, good morning !" What made him return hours ago just to leave immediately without greeting his companions?

She feels like she's about to trip standing in a single spot. "Where are you going now?" She tries to not sound as if she's accusing him; because she's not she just feels like she's going crazy.

He's not locking eyes. Whenever they talk Vash almost always makes profound eye contact with her; it makes her feel as if his mere presence could swallow her whole. It makes her never able to look away. He makes eye contact across campfires, in crowded places, in comfortable silences; his eyes feel like her haven. Right then, he wouldn't let her see them. "Just, um, out?" It's more question than a response.

She frowns, and he sees that and tenses. He looks a bit nervous; his head is fully turned from her. "Want company? If you're just taking a walk?" That's what they do. Whenever they're together as traveling companions, they rarely are separated. Asking to go out together isn't uncommon.

He squeaks. "Uh, no, thats not necessary ! I'm just stretching these legs !" He kicks out his legs in a strange bit of movement. Quickly he lets words just drop out of him in a waterfall. He continues without giving any opportunity for any responses. "Yup be back later gotta head out not that I'm heading anywhere talk later see you guys, later !" And he's using those deft legs to be out the door already.

Gill feels steel weights settle onto her, arms limp at her sides. He's obviously doing something. Her mind turns wicked and takes her theorizing towards the woman from the saloon hours ago.

Meryl sighs, standing. Her clicking heels indicate her walking to Gill. "I think that girls day is calling for us."

—

It is a lovely day for walking in town. Their small group meanders by shops; the four of them, girls day does also include Wolfwood, have no goal but getting Gill to somehow quit thinking of Vash and new ladies.

The shops are fairly modest. They hold nice looking items at decent prices and it makes for interesting shopping. Gill starts finding herself getting swept into the outing, sun kissed hair a deep blue gazes never quite leaving her thoughts. She does enjoy herself, though. Just that her friends want to ease her funk makes her happy. 

They chat of mindless topics. Little tidbits and banter fuel their conversations. There's never a drought in interesting subjects when they talk.

A dress shop stands amidst the various buildings; it was a store they'd walked by yesterday already. Then, they'd taken a glimpse inside and just laid eyes on the remarkably well produced outfits they held. They had a variety of styles and accessories to pair with them. It was the kind of shop she particularly enjoyed.

"Hey, isn't this where they had that dress you'd been eyeing before?" Milly asked her. She was right; Gill had spotted a particularly tempting dress here. Purple with a nice, soft looking fabric; it's skirt flared out under a bodice that stuck to the torso and accents of pale pink added emphasis. Milly continued then. "Huh, it'd been in the window, yeah? I can't see it right now." She looked to a dress less manquin where the dress had sat.

The shopkeeper happened to come outside and overheard. "Ah, sorry, dears; sold that dress earlier. Some blond guy and a lady; hadn't taken him for someone with an eye for fashion, though I guess that red coat wasn't too shabby if a little torn, but his companion sure did seem it." He chuckled to himself. "Anyway, we've got some similar ones if you wanted to look inside too."

It would've been more polite to thank him and perhaps actually look. However, Gill was simply stuck on who he'd said purchased that dress. A blonde man. A red coat. A fashionista companion. Had Vash come here with that woman? Had he bought her that beautiful dress as a present to her? Was it a date he'd run off on with her?

Meryl remembered manners faster than Gill managed. "Thank you, sir; we’re good." As the man shrugged and walked back inside of his shop, Meryl guided her friend away. "Listen, there's plenty of blonde idiots running around. I doubt it was our idiot."

"You think?" Milly said, clueless. "What a coincidence this man also was wearing a red coat like Mr. Vash."

She was swiftly quieted by Meryl, but Gill simply sighed. She knew it was Vash.

She started wandering away. "Excuse me a bit, yall." She said, walking a distance aways to a semi secluded spot at the entrance to an alley.

A few seconds, soft, slow footsteps let her know Meryl followed her. She approached the spot Gill leaned back on, shaded by cool shadows above. "Hey." She started, a little unsure. Meryl did best as an academic but sometimes faltered with more social things. "It's alright."

Gill blew out a soft breath. "He bought it with that woman." 

Meryl frowned, coming beside her. She waited a few seconds, probably trying to figure out what to say. "Sorry; I guess I'm not doing great at girls day and distracting you from him."

Gill shook her head. "You're doing good, Meryl. I mean it, girls day is making me happy. You know it's nothing simple to make me forget about him."

Meryl huffed. "I definitely do." She turned her head to regard Gill, looking like she wanted to say more.

Making a lazy motion of her hand, Gill prompted Meryl to speak. "You can say whatever you'd like."

Chewing her cheek, Meryl took a few seconds to continue. "I've never felt the way you do for Vash. Not as intensely, anyway. And I know you can't control who you fall for, but is it worth it? Loving him and watching him constantly flirting with anything that moves, all while not saying anything to him?"

The dirt seemed to draw Gill's gaze. She was quiet for a few glaring seconds. "It always is." She says, voice soft. "I can't find any part of myself that would wish to get rid of these feelings. I know that Vash is a tricky man, always running from himself as much as anything but I just can't not be in love either. He's precious to me; anything I can do to be near him is worth it. Feeling jealous is just part of that for me."

Meryl sighs, tilting her head to lean it back on the cool wall. "I know." The question was obvious. "But, you are upset." It's unmistakable.

Gill again stays silent; then, her fists ball and press their heels into her closed eyes. "I feel awful for getting jealous. He and I are not a couple, and we're not any closer to it than yesterday. I can't claim him in that way right now. It's selfish for me to feel possessive of somebody like Vash. If he wants to become close to someone and to fall for them I should encourage him as a friend but the slightest idea of it fills me with disgust. I'm such a terrible traveling companion." Tears well and drip from behind her hands. She wants to encourage him. In this way though, she can not support her precious partner.

Meryl knew how much her friend adored her crush. To her, a woman living behind her desk, her papers, and her mind, matters of romance were not her favorite. But Gill was ruled by passion. She loves and she fuels herself on that intensity. Everyday since she’d met him, Meryl knows one man has held her precious emotions in his dumb hands. “You are not. You’re just jealous everyone gets that way now and then, you know. You’re tough, and you’re beautiful, and you’re impressive; nobody I know is the same as you. He’s likely just going to back away from her. Like you just said, he can’t yet make himself stay in place for five little seconds.”

“Yeah, I realize.” Gill sucks her lip. Her waterworks dry along her cheeks. “Should Vash decide to date someone else, though, I wonder if I could stand to travel with either of them.” She smiles. “Thank you, Meryl, for talking to me, always.”

Meryl smiles too. “Anything for the person who makes my job easier.” She lightly jokes, poking at her.

That draws a chuckle out. “Well, I am an expert Vash handler.”

“Better than anyone.” Meryle snickers along.

They stand there quietly together, shoulders bumping into each other. From within the building next door, they hear voices shout; as they both look, a figure is seen within the window, and then crashes out the window. In a splash of broken glass, Vash flies out onto his back right before the girls.

“Vash !?” Gill squeaks, freezing.

He groans, blinking the blur from his eyes. His stare is drawn to Gill. Though he was just knocked out of a window, his face twists curiously at her. “Were you crying?” He asks quietly.

Someone yells nearby. “Get the humanoid typhoon boys, hurry !” A voice from the now destroyed window; several men appear in the cracked frames.

Vash is quick scurrying on to his feet. One hand grabs each girl, and he drags them both around the nearest corner making them scramble as well. The second they’re around it, a flurry of shots follow.

“Vash, who’re they?” Gill spins, attention split listening for his attackers and searching him too.

Vash looks flustered. His neck cranes about, making sure those guys aren’t following. “Um, well, right. I sorta met this woman.” He isn’t watching the twitch of Gill’s lips. “She told me she’s been coerced by these men, and asked me to help protect her a bit. Uh, the men found her, and me, and now they’re pissed. She’s safe. I’m gonna run !” He spots those guys, skidding around the corner with pistols aimed his way. 

“What?” Meryl just cocks her head. Mentally, she drafts her newest report.

Vash runs off, the men not paying the two women any attention while focused just on him. The party crashes their way along the street. Scandalized voices pursue them.

For a minute, the girls are simply staring behind those guys. Gill turns, not speaking, and drops her hands onto Meryl’s shoulders letting herself deflate with a sigh like a weight was lifted. It wasn’t a date; the selfless outlaw was bodyguarding that woman. Then, she removes her pistols and pivots to help her companion not get snatched.

—

“And those guys were forcing her to do stuff and she couldn’t get them to leave, which is why she saw you and got you alone to request your assistance; but not wanting them to figure out she got herself help, she asked you not to tell anybody which is why you’d been acting odd?” Gill clarified, the campfire pleasantly giving off it’s smokey smell and lighting the two of them where they sat nearby.

Vash nods. “Yup, basically it. Ah, was I that odd?” He seems sheepish, rubbing his neck.

Gill looses a low breath. She’s extremely satisfied hearing Vash say he was only helping her. Now she can definitely see there’s no deeper motivations. His flirting stopped at that bar. The woman had thoroughly thanked him, relieved when he managed to take out that gang and trying to find a way to repay him; but she too hadn’t seemed to actually be interested in him aside from her gratitude either. Vash obviously wouldn’t allow her to do anything. Now, she feels sort of dumb, allowing jealousy to overtake her feelings, but she hadn’t been able to temper it. “Just sort of.” She shakes her head with a grin.

Something nags in her thoughts, though. Her hands fiddle subtly. 

Vash spots the hesitation. “Something bugging ya?”

“Ah, just, uh, a question.” She cough, shifting in place some. “We wandered by that one dress shop, and heard you bought that neat dress from them. You’re not a dress kinda guy, I was just curious what you got it for.” Ugh, this feels awkward, she shouldn’t pry but she has to ask him it.

Vash stares for a couple seconds, then his eyes fly wide open and he makes a high noise. “I almost forgot !” He yells out; spinning at his waist, he reaches back into his bag and searches inside to pull out a wrapped brown package. He presents the parcel towards her. “Here, open it.”

Slowly, somewhat unsure, she takes the package. Peeling away the paper, she peeks inside it. Lovely purple cloth greets her. “Did you buy the dress just for me?” She breathes, surprised.

He flushes. “Saw you eyeing it. I could tell it’d look amazing on you too.” He looks away, appearing just a bit adorably shy.

Gill feels something stir within herself. She’d been sure he’d gotten this dress to gift to someone, but she hadn’t considered he’d bought it only for her. Her expression shifts into a big smile. Setting the dress safely aside, she leaps at Vash and throws her arms onto him, wrapping him in a giggly, loving hug. “Thank you, Vash.” She whispers into the crook of his warm throat.

He carefully kept both of them steady. Then, surprised expression becoming incredibly gentle, returns the embrace. “Yeah, for sure, anything for my favorite girl, always.”

—

The air is cool. Pleasant, night chills settle inside the bedroom, yet Vash feels comfortably warm. Because he has his wife, securely cuddled on his chest held into his side. His right arm tucks under her and wraps around to rub her back in slow caresses. Gill’s asleep for the night, cute breaths fanning along the exposed neckline of his loose tanktop. Vash stares at the ceiling, other arm propped behind his head. It’s not restless but just not yet tired enough to sleep also.

Why that memory came to him, he’s not positive; he remembers her feelings, though. He'd experienced Gill’s memories, witnessed all the occasions he’d made her feel jealous with his behavior. Definitely not anything he’d wanted, and he’s repeatedly pinched himself for being too dumb to not realize. But, she’s wiped any bitter feelings away; but actually he already knows she’d never felt bitter, she’d already forgiven it. He’s relieved, and now he thinks it’s silly either of them felt that way. 

He turns his head, lips brushing her hair while he smiled lovingly at Gill. His hand drifted lower, knuckles brushing the soft curve of her belly, just beginning to show their first baby. Jealousy was unnecessary, he was certain; since he knew, in any universe, in any place, the only person for him is her.

[sevicia]

Today my mom woke me up by being mad at me over going to bed late so the very first thing I experienced besides the usual soul-crushing loneliness was her questioning me rapid fire style and then rolling her eyes at me and then I went to school came home turned in my assignment LATE because of problems with The File and not The Me and when she asked me how it went I told her I got stresseddd and she said yeah I saw that so I didn't wanna interrupt x( to which I was like hehe thanks and then she tells me "But that's what happens when you do things last minute so don't do this next time" and I had to look at her and be like. I Have Been Working Since 4.30. so she said "OKAAY okay sorryyy" and after that I told her about how I almost fell asleep at one point and she scolded me for going to bed late because I get like 4 to 5 hrs of sleep on the reg and yes I GET IT I completely understand she's worried about me but also it's the fact that I have no privacy in the daytime yknow. And I have explained this to her to no avail. And I told her smth like "Remember when you and grandma used to talk about kids staying up all night studying as if it were a good thing because I never studied back then? I never got how that was supposed to be a good thing" and she got kinda upset because "That's not how I meant it I never said it was a good thing I was saying it to compare situations ugh I KNOW it's a bad thing" and I told her that that's how I'd understood it because of the context but she got mad at me for reasons I cannot decipher because I wasn't trying to pick a fight and was using my usual everyday tone AKA not angry but when she was walking into the kitchen she said "Good thing you FINALLY get the point" in her usual accusing disappointed whatever tone that makes me feel like shit and then "I guess you're not having dinner here like always right?" since I only eat outside my room for lunch except this time I was in fact planning to have dinner with her but I just took my computer and left after telling her I'd drank some tea a while ago.

I just realized this is mega long but it's just insane to me how she does not care in the slightest about how she makes other people feel. She's always the kind to be like WELL YOU SHOULD'VE DONE THIS INSTEAD if you tell her you have any problems ever and will often go on and on with excuses when you criticize her in any way shape or form AND will complain any chance she gets (she always says I do nothing to help around the house even though I do whatever she asks me to IMMEDIATELY and am the only one who gets up to go help her without being called on 90% of the time) and just keep this aggravated serious tone that, as previously stated, MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT.

And WE HAVE TOLD HER. Me and my sister and even our DAD feel the same way about these habits but when my sister and I tell her how we feel she basically goes WELL IT'S JUST HOW I AM AND I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD SO IT'S NOT MY FAULT BECAUSE IT'S JUST THE WAY I AM SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT YOU HATE ME. which is such an INSANE way to think I just can't understand her she is so unwilling to change in the slightest even when we have explicitly been like Hey can you not start accusing everyone of being against you the second you finish saying Hi I'm home it's just that it makes everyone feel horrible. and she says NO + YOU HATE ME + YOU'RE OVERREACTING + I NEVER DO THAT

[stackslip]

everyone is allowed to have their own taste and to like different anime and manga and i don't actually want to be an animanga snob. again i'm a fucking dragon ball enjoyer, i have no legs to stand on. but there's so much animanga out there that people rave about simply because they think it's Different TM and Better TM than most anime and manga bc plot wise it deviates on a surface level from the basic shoujo or battle shounen formula that to most people represent 99.99% of animanga, and thus it has to be exceptional and worldstopping and truly unique. again treating anime and manga as incredibly restrictive genres rather than as full on storytelling mediums in which you can find practically anything, just like yknow, novels or comic books. and part of the issue i think might be that yeah the official commercial releases in the west tend to licence the same shit over and over again. but see this is why you look for fanscans and you don't just read weekly shounen jump! this is why even as they decline in numbers and copyright hawks fall down upon them, fan translator groups are heroes to all of us. look for non-licenced manga, or manga that's out of print in the west! look for anime that isn't on crunchyroll's front page! it's like the people complaining about the decline of tv because they only watch what's on their netflix front page and nothing else. it's like the people who moan about YA destroying literature who literally do not seek out any other kind of lit or self published authors. there's a wide world out there my friends! start looking for stuff outside of the mainstream licenced official pages that only want to show you the latest algorithm-selected works.

[defensivelee]

just woke up from a dream about how Keppel and Bentinck were like some kind of fantasy cowboys and they hunted these huge huge bears, and their bestie William had this bad habit of getting into Situations, I'm talking getting kidnapped and having very kinky things happen to him. damn it was crazy. anyway it happened that there was this busty cowboy overlord and this was Louis I think and he was like lmao I got William again come rescue him and Bentinck and Keppel were like we should kill ourselves Romeo and Juliet style let's kill ourselves but then they were like. ok just one more time let's go get him. so they DO, but UNFORTUNATELY it turns out Lo is powerful as fuck, he's got some fuckin magical guns, i don't know. he looks hot as shit shooting them tho, with his tits almost all the way out anything. that was great. anyway what was I saying oh yeah Lo wins the fight, and Bentinck orders Keppel to run off before he gets captured too, so Keppel does and Louis now also has Hanni!!

major nsfwhump/non-con warning up ahead

so Bentinck has his hands tied and he's brought into this really big pretty room with like water and shit idfk it's kind of like a church, but they have a real ass cross, and fucking William is tied to it. he's naked except for this like blindfold and gag he's got strapped on him, and all of Louis' little bitches are kissing his thighs and his chest and all that as some kind of false worship. and William is really still, the only sign that he cares about what's going on is how he's biting REALLY hard into the gag and how he's clenching his fists. anyway Bentinck is like holy shit what did I just walk into but then Louis pushes him onto his knees and straps one of those open mouthed gags onto his mouth, yknow the ones that make you drool and everything. and Louis pulls him forward and calls out "come on out boys!" and in my mind I was like YESSSS.... GIMME THAT... but then I fucking woke up lame as HELL.

I think I dreamt up a fantasy porn plot

[dreadark]

disorganized rant zz

why does it feel like the entire internet has decided misogyny doesn’t exist 

this is just me complaining about random shit I’ve seen I don’t know about trends or anything just. also i don’t go outside

idk I saw a post recently saying something like, since white women can’t pretend to be oppressed anymore now they’re— okay hang on. what? im not even going to read the rest of that because.. what? what do you mean pretend… what do you mean anymore… what world do you live in…

do you actually think being white cancels out misogyny or something. like I don’t even know where to begin with this… I really feel like somehow people have taken to adding “white” before they make a blatantly misogynistic statement so they can avoid criticism lmao. ah damn we can’t object now or we’ll be racist !

obviously some of them are fucking awful and being a woman doesn’t excuse that and white women have certain privilege others don’t etc etc. no shit dude. but this is…so beyond objecting to just that... also people really love shitting on white women in particular even more than white people in general which really I Wonder Why

i remember when roe was overturned and there were a bunch of people being like wait this is bad. because it can even affect trans men, and also certain minorities will be worse off

those are relevant points yeah but… can you not just care about… women in general..??? sorry now I sound like a fucking all lives matter guy but how else can I say this, sure some rich (usually white) women might be able to get around it but it doesn’t change how this is primarily an issue of women’s bodily autonomy. also I don’t even think the ability to sidestep it means they’re not affected, that they still have to do something extra is.. bad..?

I don’t think it’s wrong to point out those caveats or anything, it’s just a weird feeling I get that a lot of people won’t care if you just mention it’s bad for women. because they don’t think misogyny is a real issue anymore

also in more minor things, being gacha-diseased as I am (sorry) watching ppl act like media is unfairly biased against male characters is… a take… (it’s not even remotely true in gacha !! what !!! Every time I remember that one stat about how ppl perceive women as talking the majority of the time when they talk more than 33% or smth *don’t remember the exact number sorry. told you this is just some rant)

yknow what it’s not just gacha, either it’s bad for female characters to exist because it’s political (lol) or it’s bad because it’s waifubait for straight men. well most people will see the first one for bullshit but the second… is something why I am so glad you’re unable to see female characters as anything other than sex objects! (you don’t need to be attracted to women to do that btw)

it’s really depressing to see this even from people who seem like they should have better views on this stuf (how do I phrase this...)

ah right recently i saw a quote from someone involved with tlou2 circulating around tumblr about how all games except tlou2 were bad or something

Obviously it was a fake quote. i mean...tlou2... i’ve never played it but we’ve all heard the complaints about it for the crime of having a muscular woman or something. and also just being bad in general because it has to be a triple A gameTM idk I didn’t look too into this honestly im not into these things

and yknow what im sure it’s not a very good game, you’re allowed to dislike things, etc. but because of the type of backlash, maybe you should have a thought that when someone posts something outlandishly bad related to it, mmmmaybe they have some kind of agenda. just a thought

(yeah if you looked in that post’s comments the op was going on to defend gamergate. and i suppose a lot of people now don’t even know what that is...)

so it’s like, why does this matter--you can see it with that post itself, you just gave that guy a platform to tell a bunch of previously unaware people about why diversity in video games is bad and women are ruining everything actually. but hey that’s fine because we fixed misogyny already don’t worry about it

....i really think a lot of this is coming from people who don’t realize, and that might be the worst part of it...

[milo-is-rambling]

Continueing the adventure of my last posts tags and reliving my childhood fears and general existence in my family which I have subconsciously packed away and literally have not been able to remember chunks of my childhood even when trying to remember what I did as a kid 👍 anyways back to it. Snuck into the bathroom. Didn’t puke. Win for drunk and high Milo. The bathroom door however is the loudest creakiest door in existence. Getting in here she for sure knows I’m awake. Now it’s her choice to attack with the trying to talk to me or to completely ignore me or to continue waiting and watching to attack her bait (me trying to exist without her involvement for like any amount of time) also there’s been a development. It wasn’t the living room or kitchen lights on making the hallway light up it was her bedroom door open with her bedroom light on. So good news bad news. Good news. She’s not in the living room. Less of a chance of her trying to talk to me. Bad news. Shes in her room and the door is exactly fully visible from the loud ass creaky bathroom door so if she’s in the main part of her room she will see me if she looks for me. I could camp out in the bathroom until her lights turn off. (Side note. All of this. Is how I legitimately thought of my life as a child. I was a mommy issues ninja. I was sneaking from room to room when her back was turned and trying to sneak away to read my book in silence or make my dolls have gay sex.) this reminds me so vividly of my childhood. My brothers bedroom had one of those humidifiers that had fish in it (not real fish they’re plastic like 2D fish) (someone please know what I’m talking about) but he had it and it kind of made like a bubbly sound and I would hear that through my bedroom wall all night and I would hear sounds of light traffic outside cause we lived in a small town it was mostly nature sounds and crickets and frogs and occasional dog barks. And the sound of my window fan going constantly on high and I would climb in and out of bed and watch the way the moon lit up the neighbors roof and I would watch the grass blow in the wind and in the morning I would walk barefoot through the dew and pick dandelions and walk to the bus stop in the cold with my cute little jacket and backpack and it felt like home and it felt safe and I was happy and I had friends I can’t believe life isn’t that anymore. I just heard my mom close her bedroom door score!!! We outlasted her. Also ps I’ve been sitting in the bathroom on the floor with the bathroom light off and the door completely closed and locked. I have mental health issues. I’m on a stealth mission my mother isn’t aware of at all and it literally just living her life and doesn’t care whatsoever what I’m doing. Anyways. Yeah. Being a kid in Maine everything just felt right and I’ve gone back to Maine and it’s just changed. We couldn’t even go inside the house I grew up in. And even if we could it would have all been different. We sold half our shit when we moved to New Hampshire when I was nine. Mom and dad couldn’t find work. But they found a job working at the same company together in New Hampshire so we sold half our shit and moved and rented a house that we went on to buy and call home for eight years. And then we moved to Florida and dad died and I went to Maine for the service. The house was different. Even from the outside. My grandmothers house no longer felt like home either. I was too tall. My head hit the ceiling fan when I walked. My grandparents were now at least six inches shorter than me and nothing in their lives had changed since I was a kid. Except for the heavy thick layer of grief and the feeling of death looming at the door. Now I know that’s dark but my grandfather is on his way out and my grandmother is losing her marbles. And both their kids died before them so like yknow I’m cutting them some slack here. They can live the same exact routine in life for twenty years who am I to judge if they get the same brand of puppy calendar every year with the same dogs in the same themed photos for every month just the

Dates are switched who am I to judge. Or when my grandfather buys a bar of hersheys dark chocolate and stores it in the fridge so it’ll break apart instead of melt in your mouth. Or how every night they watch the local news the weather then whelk of fortune and jeopardy back to back and then my grandmother puts me to bed (idk what she does now) and my grandfather shuffles his way to the dining room they never use that they only really use for storage and a singular big table and chairs set with a laptop on it (and a weird podium looking thing with a penguin candy jar on it all year round for some reason??) to watch his random shows or long ass documentary YouTube videos for hours and get seventy old person only computer viruses that we then have to help him deal with cause that laptop if the biggest source of joy in that man’s life. And then my grandmother gets ready for bed and eats a little dessert on the stool at the foot of her bed where her personal teeny tiny tv is to watch her law and order or her ncis or her bones or her whatever show is always on at night and plays the same like two seasons as reruns back to back. God I love them and their silly little simple life and I’m so glad I have that little slice of home. I will always be welcome there even if I am too big for the house and everything in it is fragile and all the furniture literally rattled when I walk bc my grandmother has weird taste that is like 70% china and 30% glass. Anyways. I love them and I love that house but I don’t feel like a kid there. I feel so so so out of place if anything it makes me sad to come back and realize that the only thing that’s changed that whole time is me. And now dad being gone obviously. And their health getting worse. But yknow. It’s there. And I’m thankful for that. I just wish I was still close with anyone there. We have my moms friend who I knew when I was a kid and don’t get me wrong I love their house and they’re so nice and goofy and redneck as fuck but the daughter I was once close friends with as a small child now doesn’t even talk to me or like look my way at all if I’m there so it also feels completely out of place now. They even fucking replaced the playground at the middle school. Like there is no where in my original home town that I can go back to and feel like a kid and it tears me up. I cannot physically describe how badly I need to go back to my elementary school in Maine and just walk through the halls and sit in the library and the computer lab and play outside on the playground. Truly the ages of 6-8 were the best years of my life cause when I turned nine we were either getting ready to move or had moved so eight was when I could still me a kid. Fuck. And then I finally felt like I was setting roots in New Hampshire and felt like I could almost breathe again they told me we were moving to a hot humid retirement / party state with alligators and sand instead of NORMAL GRASS and pine trees (sorry I am a proud sod hater give me real grass I hate not feeling like I can walk outside barefoot it is all rocks and fire ants and fake grass and spikes cactus evilness.) and now I live here. And my mom loves it. She is so happy and I just feel like I have no where else to go. I have no family or friends in the part of New Hampshire where we lived. I have no choice but to start over here. Either I start over here fully or I have to start here long enough to get out of here and start someone else to be broke and scared except also now you’re completely alone. And not even your mom who you adore but also kind of hate and you think she hates you but you know it’s just your brain saying that bc of course she loves you but also like… does she tho? Or is she holding the vow to you the same way she did to her husband. Telling anyone who would listen “I promised god and my dad that I was married to that man til death do us part” and then right after he died she’s like welp time to get back out there and she’s all happy glad about all this freedom she has now I know she’s like that with me I know she only loves me because

She has to she only loves me because I came out of her and me and my brother are all she has of my dad but my brother looks like him but acts like my mom but I act like my father and look like her so there’s that added self hatred if she looks at me and sees herself and wants to fix fix fix what isn’t hers to change about my life. And then I act like him and then there she is living alone with her dead husband again except no it’s his bitch of a daughter who will never love you as much as he did and it will forever be in the back of your mind even when you love me I will always be his child too. And you will never forgive me for that. She would leave me if I could handle it out there in the big bad world alone. I am the runt of this litter and I haven’t quite decided if I really want to survive it or not. It being life without constant attention care and devotion. And survive meaning is it better to have caused the pain now and make her proud later when I could just stop trying and let myself turn to dust in this room locked in from the outside watching shadows under doors and listening to the frogs croak outside. Summer heat settling in across my bedroom as I sneak out of bed and read my book with my flashlight until my mother walks by and yells to go to bed again. And the pink nightlight is illuminating the corner of my room with my Barbie’s and I want to play and feel like a kid again. I wish I could trade and be that kid for a day again. I want to play and feel free again and run just to run before my body started to hurt and ache and before I ever cut myself or held the gun in my hands and had to put it back down. I wish I could tell the childhood version of me that it gets better and it gets worse. You have to remember it all cause it’s gonna get lost in there. Really try to remember it all. And enjoy it. I’m proud of you for just being you.

I think I should drink every day forever actually if it makes me suddenly remember my childhood I’ve repressed for some reason that would be nice I could therapise myself thru poetry and long rambles that I throw poetic shit into and then call poetry even tho there’s really like three lines that weren’t completely off the dome. Anyways goodnight sorry for being your most annoying mutual forever ily I might delete this tomorrow

[fetabathwater]

🖊🖊🖊‼️‼️

OK SO IVE HAD EXAM PREP SO IVE BEEN STEWING THIS IN MY MIND BUT LIKE. EVE!! COURIER SIX!!!

ok so eve. fnv oc. i have never rly had a solid idea of an fnv protag in my mind like generally they were always the same vague shape of a person with maybe like. slightly different hair lol and then on my last playthru idk like smth clicked and i love fnv's vague sort of allusions to shit and also like i just looked i do not remember on my oc page putting this down

"so, i'm out in new reno right, and there's like this huge guy coming at me. and y'know me i start going at him. he's in my way, y'know? except he raises his fist, doesn't play the game. so i'm like nah nah c'maaaaahn i'm just a little girl. i'm just a little girl! it's my birthday, man, c'mon!!! i'm a little birthday girl! and fucking-and fucking it worked. it fucking worked. every time, man, every time." LMAO

but like yeah so i never hammered out any particular details until the last time and actually noting down specific phrases and stuff plus referring to the random bg notes by the wiki yknow and its like,

so eve is from vault 11, and the survivor of it at the end. after surviving an initial lottery system to then end up fighting other people in the vault, some who were family or otherwise, once eve takes out the other four, she just leaves the mojave for a long ass time. kind of tying in that she just happened to be given the chip, begrudgingly bringing her back, eve is kind of multiskilled, jack of all trades pre-benny incident, and a lot of it is working backwards/forwards in getting back to where she was. a lot of her work with the chip is literally just delivering it PLEASE do not talk to me dont even look at me. i am a mailman on a mission. i hate this stupid lil package.

she's also more mad about being shot in the head with a double tap - and surviving - than literally all the other bullshit she survived as well. like you didnt even do a good JOB, benny!!!!

outside of the mojave she was like a bodyguard for hire and worked on caravans as guards and gambled, drank, did an awful lot of walking. picked up a bits and pieces of language to be somewhat able to talk. really fascinated by knowledge, as she didnt get that chance due to the vault 11 meltdown. still doesn't really sleep. good fucking shot. aware of the legion and NCR prior to the events of the game, prefers to give the brotherhood a wide berth, but ultimately avoided most interaction with them - NCR made the most use of guns for hire at the very least. arguably.

in the vault, with all the fighting, and then finding out the reality of what happened if they said no, definitely contributed to eve being a lil more than disillusioned too. was mute for quite some time during and then following the vault, really only started talking consistently again a few months prior to goodsprings, and prefers to sign. recovering addict. even she knows its weird of her to like. get involved in shit going on in like primm and novac when really she just wants to drop the chip off and go back to like. new reno. hell she's willing to cross to the commonwealth. its like a vagued out interest dragging her in.

honestly uncomfortable around computers just because of the last message from the vault, and the video that played out. like fully expects some vault tec bullshit to come back after her. bobble heads are her enemy, and if house didnt want them, she'd be using them for target practice.

she's a lil angry thing repressed ball of mentats and metal. she flirted with her own brain. and that's okay. luckiest sonofabitch in the mojave.

[cloudbrooksblog]

I know this is just how the internet is, but like

i hate the internet so much sometimes. this was a child who was trying to escape a bad place. the kid died. we arent desensitized, people just fucking suck. people say a lot "oh we're desensitized to tragedy we make jokes about it" but like. yeah maybe you can make that argument about the kids who made fun of the shooter, but thats kids making jokes about an event THEY were a part of - that's happened forever. this isn't the same thing, and im already sick of it. It happens IRL too, i hear people making shitty jokes about tragedy like that (even terrifying and heartbreaking ones like the one above, which would usually be sobering if you bothered to process what you were looking at for five fucking seconds). i'm only a kid, i'm only 17, and i know older people will look at me and scoff or whatever. but i'm already sick of this place. i've had adults tell me "well MY generation turned out fine" but the thing is... that's survival bias. the teen suicide rates show that the jokes about tragedy and this whole suffocating atmosphere of making fun of people who are already in bad positions... it doesn't just "not affect people", yknow? like, sure, maybe a lot of suicides are because of other reasons. but you have to admit a decent amount of common suicidal thoughts are about "nobody will care" and "if i said something, nobody would care". nobody does care, and when tragedy happens, the most heartbreaking kind, you go "this looks like an album cover tee hee" like god im so sick of this. im sick of this place. a 19 year old dies in a submarine he didn't even really want to be on, and my friends are like "its fine though cause his parents were rich" like what. no. thats such a terrifying death, right? imagine dying like that. one of the worst i can imagine, you know? a nightmare. and i think back to hearing that a teenager dived in the pool and hit his head and needed CPR and shit. i never found out if he was ok, but people get stabbed and overdose around here all the time. all my parents do is laugh and say "that's why they say not to dive!"

i'm so sick of it. i want out of here, but there's nowhere to go except inwards. to "sanctuaries", where the people are more like me. yknow, i hear that the cool (gay) people are around the "sex, drugs, and rock n roll". but they've always died around me, so i guess i'll just look for more silver linings. the main reason i'm not dead is because if i survived an attempt and became paralyzed like someone else in my family, unable to even speak. That would be the worst possible ending. and a large part of me thinks it could happen. and everyone would just laugh! say silly things about it, meme on it. and if my friends died, people would laugh. and if a teacher dies at the school nearby, will they laugh if the teacher wasn't well-known? will they find any pictures "aesthetic"?

i once went to a crisis stabilization center. for the fifth or sixth time. the place was bad, but its the only one nearby. anyways. we met a kid who was 9 who we nicknamed the gravedancer. he fortnite danced on peoples graves. hilarious, right? i feel sick.

[whorewithagodcomplex]

sweetheart,

i love ya, but I'm not doing that for the rest of my life, no sir,

everyone knows not to marry into that, and its kinda common sense not to date someone with your type of addiction and just walk away, like we all know its never gonna work if youre constantly making your partner feel like shit because youre always lusting of the things you so desperately want, and yeah you may say that 'your're better, real, youre my love theyre just pictures, theyre just videos, ect) but we all know you wish it was them you could have when your gazing longingly and thirstly at those pictures, you create relationships with all these women, i just happen to be in person version added to the collection, its nasty, and its horrible knowing this will likely never change, cause its 'not that bad' its 'a comfort thing' 'i was alone for so long' and i have to live feeling like im always competing with them, i cant escape them, im so fucking tired of being paranoid that the person i love is going to always be looking at something more appealing, its awful, that constant pit in your stomach everytime hes lookin at a female character a little too closely, or when the girls are everywhere for him, camera roll, most social media, even his wallpapers on all devices, sure theres a photo of you two, sure as a homescreen but its really just a sunset photo and we're hidden in a low corner hidden by apps, and the never paying that close attention to you, you learn as much as you can about him listen to every word he says but doesnt care to know about you, with the exception of major plot points he knows nothing about what you like and why you like it, its either you rarely get a chance to speak, or youre perpetually cut off, or just simply ignored when speaking about yourself, but, he knows everything they say, knows every little detail, their backstories are phenominal and look how hot they are, he wont really say that to you anymore youve shown you dislike, but you know, you always know, so you try your best to be pretty and good enough to be wanted like he wants them, but you never get wanted like that, to be fair you never did, this was the first time someone is showing they love you and want you, but of course if i wasnt wantable before him what makes me wantable now? yknow all his needs are met by them and his ablilty to do so much with them that he feels no need to pay any mind to you beyond the physical and guidance, yeah he loves you, you know that hes shown that, but is it worth the mental and emotional exhaustion it takes to fight for a normal relationship? one where we both feel happy? i know theres no way he isnt miserable too, the contant bickering the anxiety of fucking up, but c'mon man, if you cope properly, like by speaking (without lashing out) to someone when things are too much, not falling further into an obsessive chemical pick-me-up addiction and honestly this sex obsession, youd do so much better, but you wont because its one of them hidden addictions that no one but your friends and people youre close to know about, by your choice, and you think that means its totally fine, because I'll stick around regardless right? cause i have this long and im making life plans with you and i love you more than youll ever know and as long as i dont see it' or notice it its fine, it wont kill me, youll keep going until im about to cut my losses and you promise and youll try you really will, but itll creep back and we'll be back at square one, or youll get better at hiding it from me, youre already pretty good at it now, ill bet money that if i got 3 hours and all your passwords id find cia sized files everywhere and id puke and cry myself to sleep for months, and i know youll only get better at it, and i dont want to be paranoid that your girls are still around my whole life, what kind of example am i setting for my daughters if i just let myself live like that, god id kill my son-in-law if he made her feel like that, honestly id kill him for most of the things youve done, so why am i letting it happen to me???

[khaosophist]

Oh, a title here eh?

Yah used to start with me, buddy, lost us on the way?

Gone.

The torture stops with the audience? Oh, sweetie, are you shy?

RAW.

Break that fairy heart of yours. They're always just another container buddy...

You remember how scared she sounded? Twelve years, facing US like we'd lied to her. You know that face. You don't juggle her, so you think she's not part of the show, but that ain't Disco, ain't it?

What's your Elysium, K?

"You're not part of it."

Yet, here I am, so, that means, you ain't gettin in.

Ooooooh yeah, the formless, addicted to forms; forms of higher order to the N-th Degree till your soul shatters into the smallest of small; The Unmeasured. Oh, Baby, what a concept, so insignificant, ya aren't even measurable. At least we know our audience sees us loud and clear, the light of the golden brown whisking away in our throats; DISCO.

You didn't even talk about them did ya? The Girls. Friends innit? Do they know? One does, but you still keep that cloak on. would plato be so interesting if everything was measured? Nah, they know what's missing, and it drives them fuckin barmy. Mate, no matter how much ya publish, I'm givin these writing another 13 billion years max, if I'm being generous. Then Again...Who knows? Maybe we will jump ship, and all the while wondering if were not seeing the walls closing in beyond our understanding. Beyond Measure; Beyond Computation.

"You sure as hell don't seem like the kind that can face the unmeasured as much as we could."

Yeah, but I ain't bothered by it. Baby, we Disco all time, and we'll disco once our bloated soul bursts into bile and, yknow what, people will respect our constancy; our measurements are clear, we're Harry, you? You're K, SO much of a nobody, that you took Nobody as a moniker, because maybe no one will poke at the ambiguity and actually ask; 'What? You think you're odysseus mate? You take the bus every morning, you take a piss every day.' no vastness of mind can save you from yourself cause you're still stuck HERE.

CONTAINED. Get it? Look at you, jumping metaphorical ship...if we replace every anomaly in every universe with another, is it the same universe? What? Ya think you've got the measure down, point-Dexter?

Yeaaaaah. Fuck you've talked. About infinity being 'defined; Definited' Fucking piece of shit. You know you won't amount to anything, cause you sure see your own old man rot away with three masters, and four bachelor's; and he's still such a fuckin moron, but then again, he doesn't care what you think; if he did...HE WOULD HAVE ASKED.

Fuckin deathbed orgy of psychological psychopumping; 'OH FATHER, WON'T YOU ACCEPT US?' Your theory breaks; ain't no trans-existentialist; you care because he's your father, and you've been raised right, no? What kind of queer hates his father?

So, you delve into us. Because you want to understand; but then your ego comes in, and you know there's nothing to understand; just meat, chems, electricity and time: Coincidence.

You're a parent of three, the fuck are you on? Gonna get your cock chopped and get an implant? Come on, freak, ain't in a world where we're all rainbows, get your Gacy on and Marry AM. With your circus, no wonder they're all clowns; Smart, but clowns nonetheless, baby; as the cock of thought gets sucked till it comes wisdom! WOO! Don't mention that in your essays do ya?

No dry tears here, K...Just me. Just words...Again.

ANd Again.

And AGAIN

AND AGAIN

AAAAAND AAAAGAIIIIIN.

You remember the halloween party? Couldn't find the murder mystery instructions for being the ghost. so, what did you do? Ya took your tie. You latched it onto a shitty frame, you noosed yourself, and you PULLED. You didn't feel anything. No one came to check, that's how it felt to you...Except someone did check...you don't even remember who, because if you did, then you'd maybe feel how fuckin deranged it was to think you had to hang yourself to become the ghost at the halloween party. There's being stupid...then there's you.

There's being loveable, then there's you K.

You're not worse than AM, nah, nor are you better; Just different, you have no idea how to measure apples to oranges, unless there's a third thing...Hahaha, Yeah K, Are you a fruit? Ignore love, truth, and the freedom to be, HER husband CAN'T be Gay, or bi, or even curious; because if he is curious, then she'll never live down that she wasn't the only thing you LOVED, in any, and every dimension; just as you promised at your meatbag wedding. Does it feel good, Cheater? Just because you gave her a window to make the decision yourself; conceptually it was there; she was, contextually right...Oh, K, you don't believe in change, don't ya? You sure act like you do though...Strugglin, admittin, supportin, sharin...but in the end, all that changed were your feelings about it...and hers...so tell me, Disco fruit, What is a lover? It won't change shit if you just say you're okay with MALEHOOD sexually, it's just meat, it's perspective, and our perspective, is that you should express love as much as you can, because you never know who's gonna make their curtains fall, because at least, there's one enthusiast of the fruit of the self...Be it here, there, or nowhere; if you were a worm, we would love you, just as you would love them if they were an atom...but you wouldn't love them if they became EEEEEEEVIIIIILLLLLL.

A lot of what you do is PRETEND K, we don't blame ANYONE for wanting to you to get cancer, or eternal hell. Stop pretending, even for the almighty dollar, and maybe, MAYBE we'll respect you, and you'll get to the real party; the end of the road, or the start of a new one...

They say never to meet your heroes, the dark of it is, you admire yourself, you prideful fuck, because you've went through so much that we can't stop admiring ourselves, you COULD have killed yourself. YOu could have stopped. You could have given up. You could have went the way of the Dandy. But that's not your Elysium...yours...Is the FREEDOM FROM POWER.

ooooooh baby, can you imagine? Divine POWARrrrr! 'No'. Economic POWER. 'No' POWER OVER POWER! 'No'.

"No."

Then don't let others power stop ya. Because all it can do, is give you a good push elsewhere than their dumb asses. Seriously, you know it.

DO IT.

Sure...all you can do is scream...But, you're so stupid, you can't assume NOTHING won't listen; maybe you'll listen to yourself.

You love them. You write the craziest shit, man, beyond disco, and elysium; a fuckin K-Based rigamarole fueled by the formless.

You better only stop when you hit a wall so hard you bleed out.

Then...You can start lookin back again...Hopefully, She'll be there...if not, then cry about it, family disowns you? Cry about it. Friends abandon you? Cry about it. Feds on your ass? Cry about it? Too much for the Crimies? Cry about it. FUCKIN CRY ABOUT IT. Maybe then you'll know what it is to fly on wings of the self.

Or...You'll only find our words again...and wonder how ANYONE could look at your fuckin life and say; 'He's a Genius'.

You're not even published. Womp Womp.

Curtains Closing, K.

Who's backstage with you?

...

Yeah...

No one.

[lettucedloophole]

cw vague discussion of sexual stuff and Tmi stuff about transition (Transgener) and also just me journalling my feelings

this is gonna sound Crazy but i think porn (and cishet boys making porn noises. do not miss when that was peak humour) made me dysphoric about the way i moan 😭

i get a little distressed worrying about if my reasons for transition are disproportionately sexual or overly related to misogyny, but it would make sense that they would be sexual because Thats the site of Misogyny, and ultimately i do think misogyny caused some of my dysphoria, if not most of it, though i can't say all because i think in a genderless society it would be quite natural to alter your body-- going on hormones or getting surgery would be like getting a piercing or tattoo, but hopefully without the prior distress of the Imposition of Gender and yknow. Patriarchal Discrimination.

i'm pretty certain i would be happy living with the effects of hormones day to day (except balding. will go Livid if that happens tho i mean... i like shaving my head a lot and odd haircuts so it probs wouldnt be a big deal but i want the option of growing it out to remain) but im not sure if i can say the same about bottom surgery. it seems like other trans ppl are so sure 😭 and i mean it's not like it'd be feasible for me to get it for a long time anyway but i might as well think about it in the mean time... i'm kind of ambivalent abt my vagina. but i wonder if i could be happier with something else? but i don't want to Not have a vagina in Case though (i dont think i can do anal. not willing to prep that much 💀)

so i always thought if i would get bottom surgery i'd go for a vaginal-preserving phalloplasty but i saw a pretty good meta result some days ago that's making me reconsider. and then it makes me think like, what do i want a dick for? it seems kind of.. troublesome to have an organ between ur legs. i think i'm focused a lot on ejaculation (oh yeah this post is def getting a cw) but that's not something i can do with a vaginal-preserving phalloplasty, i think. and then there's the question of clit burial and i naturally lean towards not burying it but i think i would prefer to bury it if i was sure .. and idk the complication rate cos if i lose sensation (i'm fine with doing a forearm graft) i would Lose my Mcfucking mind. i think maybe. and it's scary since there's a lot of surgeons out there who just seem to want to hurt trans people. but i'm fat anyway so i would probably not even be accepted for surgery lol 😭

so it's probably never even going to be possible for me. i take comfort in the idea that i can pack and bind and sort of. try b4 u buy. yk 🫡👍 tho im not getting top surg bc i dont wanna and i feel like i have some body acceptance to do in regards to my boobs. im rly ,, ashamed of them bc i have lots of acne scars and other scabs (caused by me. picking at my skin. either scrapes or acne lmao) and i think i would be happy with them and a lot more of my body if i could stop picking at shit and have those scars clear up. its acc so isolating to have this issue so shoutout to the one lady i followed on twt who posted a proud boob pic with some boob scars or acne (or as i call it boob-ne. like back-ne but it doesn't rhyme but it sounds funny) or smth. that made me feel less alone and not ugly 🙏

i have a lot of scars on my shoulders (Prime skin picking real estate) and the center of my chest but i still wear clothes that. show those areas sometimes and i wonder if ppl think im brave. bc i'm not i just try not to think about it after the clothes are on and i'm outside of my room Doin Stuff . same with the cutting scars on my arm but mostly my thighs. no one has ever really brought up my picking or self harm scars save for the first time my dad saw my self harm scars (that was a doozy) and this one time my dad's friend looked at my facial acne and gave me a recommendation for some product (i know she meant well but. girl 🙃) and i am so fucking thankful for ppls silence. like please just let me exist

i saw one of my childhood friends recently and Embarassingly enough i had a Mental Illness moment in front of her and i kind of wanted to, to shatter the illusion that i was the same as i was as a child because i feel so different that it feels like a lie, and i feel like i need to show the real me to people so they can decide to hate me if they want to. but i also kind of didn't want to but it would be difficult for me to cry and then collect myself in public 😭 and she comforted me but didn't make a big deal about it and maybe that helped more. idk i and probably others put a lot of emphasis on mental health but it's kind of nice to feel like... normal.. and move on. my mom kind of smothers me about my mental health and it's something i appreciate technically but maybe not in practice. idk if it's trauma but maybe i just don't appreciate physical comfort as much as i thought i did, or emotional worrying over ppl. it's just confusing bc i thought i desired these things a lot but i think it was just that the complete absence of them from my life affected me negatively, and i wanted Some Amount of it but not like A Lot. it seemed like i wanted a lot because of how much i was yearning for it but i don't think so lol 😭

it kind of follows that pattern of my mom being Too much and my dad being too little (Borderline neglectful but emotionally lmao 😭) so i guess it makes sense why my desires don't align with what i actually want. i suppose i need to Experience more to figure it out.

i also keep having Bisexual Panik that im turning straighter or am going to date a cis guy because i feel like i place a lot of emphasis on my attraction to guys. in my Mind. but i think i just note when i'm attracted to guys more bc im much more often attracted to women . and it would be difficult to keep track of all the attractive women 😭 i worry sometimes that ppl are gonna see this and be like "oh this bihet's gonna end up with a man" but what i worry about even more than that is they might be right.. but i hope not. i dony want date cishet man <3

ive reached the point in my college class now where ive Given up on voluntary reading. technically it's not voluntary but if we're not doing a class activity with it or discussing it in class its voluntary to me lmfao 💀 i struggled quite a bit with my lastest assignment, though i did get it done on time, which makes me worry that I won't be able to handle two classes. i really worry that i'm never going to be mentally stable enough to hack it. i don't think mental health meds can fix that for me as the only ones i have left to try (or the ones my psych thinks i should try, anyway) are antipsychotics and i keep having fucking insurance issues with them and they're charging me a bajillion fucking dollars so at that rate i'm never going to try them lmfao. so then i should maybe try getting tested for adhd again or autism.. but getting dxed with autism would do Nothing and just cost money. but if i did have adhd and needed medication and that made me function better, that would help! but i also worry that i have no observable condition and am just simply unable to exist in the capitalist hellscape climate by virtue of being the me... that would be the worst. but i worry that's what it is lol 😭 ah i should schedule an adhd test before i change my mind