#like yea your allowed to dislike or not like as much whatever character you want

[corvid-ghost]

Fun y how the most 2 excluded it characters are Ben and Mike. Like the amount of things I've seen of people saying they like the others more than Ben- or only like Ben in chapter 2, yk, when he's skinny- and don't mention Mike at all. Yk the black man.

[starcurtain]

Hello! Wanted to say that I’ve really enjoyed your analysis on Aventurine’s theming - and yea big agree that part of the charm of the guy is that he’s a weird paradox (he got everything one should technically want, and he also lost absolutely everything he cares about) - and also I like your comment that he is, as a character, actually pretty obnoxious (it’s an odd character charm point to me)

Also your post on the way he interacts with the ladies in the cast kinda reminded me - I know folks tend to focus in Ratio’s note but I ended up zoning in on his convo with Acheron more than anything else - because a lot of Penacony is Aven butting heads with other aeon-touched people (Acheron, Sunday) - but Acheron seems like a fun foil because she also has a pretty double-edged metaphysical blessing that is associated with losing everything she loved, but she ironically hasn’t given in to full meaninglessness.

I think one of Aventurine's defining character traits is that he "tests" everyone he encounters to judge whether they are trustworthy or whether they are a danger to him (I guarantee you, he has some kind of mental ranking scale for how likely people are to dislike or mistreat him), and I think his being obnoxious is actually a direct offshoot of this.

Kakavasha clearly was raised with manners; he knows how to be polite and to tone down his responses to social situations as appropriate, which means that, in every other scenario, he is actively choosing to be obnoxious, even in situations where it seemingly won't benefit him (like talking back to the slave master or being too forward when first meeting Sunday, for example) because it allows him to gauge exactly how others feel about him and exactly how much they will let him get away with.

People who play along are potential allies (Robin, the Trailblazer) and people who act grumpy but actually tolerate the obnoxiousness are safe (Ratio, Sparkle, most of the rest of the Express Crew), while people who respond poorly (Sunday, basically everyone else Aventurine dealt with in the past, etc.) are forced into showing their true colors. If minor obnoxious behaviors can provoke them, then it means their core response to Aventurine is likely to be one of dislike and disrespect. He's just forcing that response from them out into the light sooner, rather than later, by being obnoxious from the get-go.

(And, to a certain extent, I think he also just finds it fun to be a bit obnoxious. Like, he's free to say and do whatever he wants now--who is going to stop him from being a brat if that's what he feels like doing?)

But on to Acheron... Yes, I do think there are a lot of parallels between Acheron and Aventurine (came from a doomed people, lost everyone, both determined to hold out against nihility and live just for the sake of living, "blessed" by aeons), but I think narratively speaking, the story puts Acheron in a different position when her tale entangles with Aventurine's: the surrogate big sister role.

Acheron's a very good parallel to Aventurine's sister in numerous ways: First, she essentially sacrificed herself to defeat the evil threatening her people, but is ultimately unsuccessful, resulting in the permanent loss of all she knew.

This loss also resulted in Aventurine's sister actually dying, while Raiden Mei experienced a symbolic death, taking on the name "Acheron" to evoke the Underworld, getting a ghostly, bleached white form, and prowling the river of nihility like a wandering spirit of the dead.

Second, the philosophy Acheron espouses is nearly identical to Aventurine's sister. When even as a child Kakavasha was doubting the value and meaning of life, his sister was the one constantly reaffirming that life has meaning, despite its hardships, and that continuing to exist is the way to honor those who have sacrificed for you. Just as Aventurine's sister expresses that people must hold on to faith, Acheron reminds everyone she encounters to cling to the last bit of color and light in their lives.

This ends up being echoed by the role of guidance that she plays for Aventurine, with him both directly relying on her for his continued survival:

And turning to her in his moment of greatest emotional need:

(Sound familiar? It should. This is the exact same question Kakavasha once asked his sister.)

But there's also a very, very nice visual parallel that goes on with Acheron and Aventurine's sister: the dusk rain that accompanies her.

For Aventurine, the rain has complicated emotional connotations. For the Avgin, it was desperately needed, life-giving water, and thus was considered a direct blessing from Gaiathra. Rain on Aventurine's birthday was the sign of his being favored by the aeon, and yet it also rained on the day he lost everything and had to flee from the only home he had ever known (conveniently also his birthday, dude this guy's life sucks).

Meanwhile, the rain for Acheron is equally complex--rain can bring life, the renewal of barren, lifeless lands... But we also see the rain accompany Acheron through her worst loss, the final collapse of her planet:

It also is said to rain constantly within the shadow of nihility, a lightless gray that washes away all that people wish to cling to.

For both Acheron and Aventurine's sister, the rain accompanies the end of their "lives," the backdrop to their ultimate sacrifices.

Yet it is also in the rain that they both send Aventurine onward, escaping from the cage of his destiny into a "better" life. From beneath the shadow of the storm, they both bid him to go and not turn back, freeing him and permanently changing the course of his life.

The rain that took everything from both Aventurine's sister and Acheron is ultimately what saves him.

It's all a very tidy and well-written parallel.

[zai-doodles]

Ok ok last question then I’ll stop bothering you lol (but I eagerly look forward to anything you will say in the future about fairytail!)

I think I got your thoughts on Nalu, but what about other ships? You said Gajeel and Levy are your fav ship, could you tell us more why? What about Gray x Juvia? Do you have a least favorite ship?

(And don’t be sorry for rambling a lot/your posts being long! I really enjoy reading your thoughts!)

bestie i literally love u i never have the chance to post my ft hc stuff im THRIVING

aight so im going to make enemies with this post i can feel it in my bones gjkfdhgsfdkj

however i just want to say if u like these ships thats completely fine and if you read them diffrently than i do thats also dope

so lets start positive!! i LOVE gajevy sm its so perfect i just ljdghfkjd

no listen like the thing that gets me abt gajevy is how it elevates gajeel as a character SO MUCH and gives levy so much agency at the same time, like u cant tell me ft would have embraced gajeel the way they did if levy didnt CHOOSE to forgive gajeel in some capacity and like fuck imagine ur GAJEEL in this situation like bro wakes up everyday and this is just his life

gajeel lost metalica at a young age, and (i dont remember too much of canon but im pretty sure its implied he just kinda fucked around until phantom tropue picked him up which yikes) like this CHILD was on his own most of his formative years and then got picked up by a super shitty abusive group of ppl and he just LEARNED to blend in, like yea metalica made him kind of a punk but he was a KID so during those years he was alone he probably just closed himself off to survive and learned to prioritize himself over everybody else and to do that it takes a level of desensitizing urself to others pain

and like ok again im playing hard and fast with canon but i THINK its implied he like, had done a lot of bad shit with them or whatever right? like what he did to levy and fairy tail wasn't NEW, so when the events in canon happen and he ends up at fairy tail, in my mind that's the FIRST TIME he has to face how HIS ACTIONS DIRECTLY HURT SOMEONE

and not only thats but someone who OBJECTIVELY DIDN'T DESERVE IT

like ugh gajeel just,, having to learn to let himself care but also it fucking sucks bc it just makes it set in more and more what a bad person he is (he isnt but he thinks he is) THEN FUCKING LEVY PULLS UP AND JUST?? IS THE BEST???

she literally blows thro all his expectations of her bc at this point i think hes use to dealing with ppl being afraid of him bc that ssomething he understands and control, what he DOESNT understand is her being NICE to him and it makes him RESPECT her and its so out of no where that by the time the GMG roles around and gajeel has fully accepted the fact that he indeed has emotions like everyone else, ONLY TO HAVE TO FACE LEVY BEING SCARED OF HIM AGAIN

learning to put others needs above his own and being empathetic in his own fucked up way

ok enough positivity time to make ppl mad

gonna link my juvia is a lesbian post here bc it sums up a LOT of my feelings on gruvia but the tldr is that my personal hc is that juvia is a lesbian with a serious case of comp het from trying to fit in with other kids growing up and it literally was just never corrected until she got to fairy tail and actively started to form friendships

the main reason i dislike gruvia is that it paints gray as the one who needs to change in order to accept juvias feelings and not just cuz he needs to grow as a person and learn to allow himself to be vunrable.

like grays arc doesnt ONLY center around juvia but its a big part of it and juvias growth CENTERS around gray and we can talk about the the borderline misogynist idea of having a female character whos damn near whole identity is her feelings for a man where she never grows or learns meaningfully but instead just very slowly chills out more so from being sidelined than growth but i digress i just dont like them

last is jerza,, i just dont like em,, jellal is really boring in my opinion and he had a lot of potential but meh? his redemption is neat and his history with erza has potential but i feel like the point of erzas arc is about growth and moving on and while i think her and jellal can still be friends and have each others back she still has so much healing to do after tower of heaven

idk i dont see a lot wrong with jerza i just feel like its a lil bland and not my cup of tea

and yes queer platonic nalu is my life id die for them actually and i have more stuff about natsus abandonment issues and how they carry into his relationships with ppl but imma stop bc this post is long jgkfhgdjhfdjk

tldr: i love gajevy, actively dislike gruvia, very meh about jerza, love qpp nalu

[chaosciara]

I mean, to each their own.

Kinnporsche is a show where normal morals and ethics shouldn't really be brought in to condemn or judge the characters because of the genre (mafia/organized crime) and as Apo (Porsche's actor) has said, nothing is easy to define and nothing can be defined as black or white since every thing/one is shades of grey including the characters. The characters all have wants needs, and motivations in their relationship and as people that aren't necessarily healthy from an outside "normal" perspective but it's what they want, ultimately, and who can take that away from them if it's what they want? (reminds me of "what doesn't kill me gives me kinks that are difficult to explain" lmao).

That, of course, doesn't mean that the audience can't analyze and objectively view and recognize that all the relationships in the show are problematic and/or questionable. Because they are. They all are.

None of the relationships have started out as anything short of manipulation and/or coercion, and abuse of power (Kinn, Vegas, Kim) from people in a lesser positions of power and lacking knowledge (Porsche, Pete, and Porchay) even if it eventually turned into genuine love.

I understand that last anon and I get why KimChay-ers get touchy, because let's be real, KimChay are the most tame of all of the ships but I think you will soon realize (in the later episodes) that Chay is the most emotionally intelligent character in the show, even above Porsche, who despite his outwardly soft and naive appearance, chooses himself first before being treated like shit and is absolutely not a pushover (which is why I love his character because its a dichotomy).

Its a fandom meme that Chay ignored the red flags more so that he didn't know or see that they were there because he chose to leave instead of putting up with it unlike the other two (and I say that affectionately for Porsche and Pete).

I also get why KimChay-ers get sensitive about the actors' 9 year age gap (18/27) but to be honest, Barcode's parents allowed him to be there and I don't feel the need to coddle a person just performing their role as an actor. To begin with, his and Jeff's character will never step up to be as intense as KP and VP and that was a concious decision on the directors' part for Barcode's age/age gap because KC are explicitly emphasized in the canon novel as having sex despite them being much younger (about 16ish) than they are in the show...

I don't understand why people project Jeff and Barcode onto KimChay. One are characters, and the other are respectful coworkers. If you see any weird behavior in regards to KimChay or Jeff and Barcode, its usually the fans creating it more so than the actors who have cute sibling/mentor relationship and don't do weird fanservice or yuck it up to promote the ship.

Hope you enjoy the rest of the show ! :)

yea i don’t concern myself with the actual actors and their age I trust to some extent there was consent and agreement between them regarding their roles

this debate is all about the show and within the show’s context

I have no feeling towards kimchay. I didn’t hate them (dislike yes but not hate). I don’t love them. I’m genuinely uninterested in their storyline. whatever happens happens, you know?

thank you for your thoughts anon :)

and I am enjoying the show I love porsche so much he’s defs my fave. he’s such a disaster and gets himself into ten times more trouble than he needs to.

I’m also extremely excited for pete’s continuing arc. cannot wait to see where that goes.

I have 5 episodes left !! I’m ready!

[nyaacaron]

I just wanted to say that I love overblot!Ace even though it makes me sad because he's my favorite. ajsksbs I'd love to hear more hcs for him if you're okay with that

Aah thank you so much for this ask!! Of course, I love to talk about my hcs,,, I wasn't sure if you meant more about the whole ob situation/the au, or the actual phantom that is with overblot Ace in the ff, so I'll say a bit about both and I hope I won't come off as too lengthy and random.

Have some hcs about it under the cut :)

Sooo about the whole AU: I just really, really love time loop AUS, because I think they are a good reason to have a character go a bit crazy, as a threat (and a treat). In Ace's case, his UM (Which I friendly refer to as "Knight's of heart trial", or just Knight's trial) allows him to rewind time. Safely and realistically speaking, only of a few hours, but he can go up to around 9 months prior: he can technically rewing earlier than the start of every school year once he gains more control over his magic during the loops, but he quickly found out it's sort of useless.

It's just like when in a game you've already made certain choices so the outcome won't matter; he just doesn't know which "choices" affect the timeline, so he's like "Yea okay let's just go back to the beginning just in case".

Also, he can't really do it before the summer day when he unlocks his UM: yes, he retains his memories and whatever, but his magical ability gets resetted every loop, so he really can't do much (also, it's a spell, so if he die he will just,,, stay dead).

In the fanfiction, Ace had been at that for more than 20 years (he can go all the way back for a grand total of 24 times, like the hours in a clock; after that, his phantom will just take over) and he's just a tired old man lmao.

He really went through all the stages of edgy protagonist, from "We can do this!!!" > "I can do this" > "Actually nvm I hate this I'll just try random stuff" > "God I hate teenagers". So by the end of it all, I think he's like,,, tired but smug elder bro vibe.

In his last loop (which would be the 25th) he makes a pact with his phantom (the clown one I doodle sometime): He will forsake his body to him, but he needs to make sure both Yuu and Deuce can make it past the prologue battle with Grim safely. Phantom!Ace be like "You know they will slay you right lmao or I'll kill them" and OB!Ace like "Do your worst, I trust them".

Shipping wise, since I'm using the fic I wrote as a reference, Ace originally had a small crush on Yuu, that later ended up being a crush on Deuce, that later was just like... strong friendship and a matter of principle to keep em alive.

Some bullet points about my two darling OB!Ace and Phantom!Ace (as in, the Over Blotting Ace of the fanfic, and the Phantom looking Ace of the fanfic.):

Canon!Ace's personality is just like OB!Ace's at the beginning of the fanfic, maybe a little bit more snarky because Phantom is affecting him more, even if he has no idea or memories beside some very unsettling dreams

OB!Ace is definitely very tired TM and his one ray of hope is Lilia: he and Malleus can sort of get that something isn't right about Ace, but can't quite put their finger on what; having said that, he can share old man time with Lilia and they just sound like 60 years old or smthn. Everyone is puzzled.

Despite everything, he still hasn't managed to get a passing grade in Crewel's march exam.

He really dislikes Scarabia's chapter, because he doesn't get to be there (he figured out early in his runs that it will lead to a bad outcome, so it's better to stay put and out of the way); also, he loves to create mayhem during VDC. Has more likely made Vil overblot by himself around two or three times.

Spent a whole run ditching school and living his merry way travelling and learning new stuff and new spells, the most useful is one that allows him to look like a grown up.

Phantom likes Riddle, mostly because he loves his crying face. He isn't really bad per sè, he's like a jester type character that likes to cause problems on purpose. He isn't too fond of Azul, somehow, and of Octavinelle in general.

The two sometimes play chess together, but they both suck very very much at it, and anyway it's just like playing against yourself.

OB!Ace holds a certain dislike towards Sebek (I am writing something about it, too), but it's just how a 20+ yo may dislike a youngster being loud on a train.

If I were to name Phantom as an oc, his name would be Jolly (cause joker cards are called jolly in italian, and as a pun with him being very happy go lucky in a messed up way)

I hope this has been fun and not too long!! :D Feel free to ask for more, I'm always happy to talk about my aus uwu

[bakugoulvr420]

bakugou’s principles

very good prompt! thank you for requesting !!

honesty

bakugou values honesty SO much. have we ever seen him lie throughout the entirety of the series? i dont think so. he never does anything he doesn’t mean despite his life being on the line.

he has an excellent judge of character and it’s probably impossible to deceive him. i’m 99% sure that he likes the 1-a class to the point of DEFENDING them when someone’s insulting them because he realized that they are all good hearted kids with their own motives.

merit

whatever bakugou receives is what he works for it. we all know that he doesn’t like anything being handed down to him without him actually shedding blood sweat and tears for it.

this also includes people helping him!! he doesn’t want anybody helping him because he knows he is capable of doing whatever he puts his mind into and also because he doesn’t enjoy feeling like he owes something to someone.

he is very stubborn when he comes to this. he fully believes that he has the capacity to do anything and dislikes it when its just given out to him!

must win/be #1

whether its brushing his teeth, participating in an obstacle course or playing the drums, he will put in his all into it. bakugou always goes overboard and we see him putting in 120% effort into small things like eating his food.

he never does things half assed no matter how insignificant the thing/person may be. he doesn’t underestimate anything around him (though it seems like he does). there is a difference between thinking that he is the best vs underestimating. you could think that youre the best yet still do your absolute best to defeat something as small as a cockroach.

this also means that he does his best to set himself apart with others. he doesn’t like being clustered together with a bunch of kids that are obviously below him. he always goes for the win and he gets it.

i’m sure that even if the test was about something he was really familiar with, he’d still pour in his time studying for it.

moral compass

yea, we’ve seen him activate his quirk a few times throughout the series to intimidate someone or to show off but he never actually used it.

no matter how much of a deliquent bakugou seems to you, this kid has good self discipline and morals.

during middle school, he had friends that would already smoke. i’m sure that if you’re around people like that at some point you’d feel pressured or want to at least try it once. bakugou at that influenceable age had not even gotten near a cigar. in fact he told his friend to stop smoking, but phrased it in a way that suggests that he had already told him several times in the past to quit smoking.

another example, when he got kidnapped, he could’ve used his quirk as an act of self defense and would’ve probably not gotten into trouble because his life was at stake. when he does activate his quirk, he mentions the fact that he was explicitly told that he was allowed to use his quirk. i’m sure that if it weren’t for that assent, he would’ve went another route that would involve zero to minimal use of his quirk.

-

there are so many more but this is all i can think of at the moment. i will be updating this post as i go analyzing his character more and more

[discotenny]

!_MC With a Child_!

!Hallo! So I haven’t played Napoleon and Leonardo’s route asksnfjdjdkd. The only ones I’ve finished are Mozart, Vincent, and Arthur lol. And don’t worry about too much interacting so much , it makes me happy to know people read my stuff 🥺💕💕💕

And yea, I don’t think I can do the new characters justice, no matter how cute Charles is 🥵

Napoleon, Leonardo, Arthur, Theo, Comte

Napoleon

Throughout your entire stay, you had seemed worried or jumpy. The only time you weren’t was when you were with him

He thought you just liked his protection tbh

The time you two spent together meant the world to him

And you’d be lying if you said his presence didn’t distract you from the fact your little girl was stuck in France with her grandparents; wondering if her mom would ever return

But you’d be lying if you thought that leaving the man you had grown so found of would be so easy

Napoleon always wondered why you looked so sad whenever you two walked in the market. Or why you never visited the training school with him. Or how your eyes always seemed vacant when sweeping the halls

The final few grains of sand in the hourglass steadily approached the bottom. He knew it was selfish of him, but the feeling deep in his heart convinced him to ask you anyways.

“Nunuche,” he said when you brought him his meal

You looked at him puzzled, not saying a word. “Have you ever thought about... staying here?”

You turned to the side, placing the blanc down shakily

“No- I,” you had to take a breath, “I have someone waiting for me in my time.”

His heart dropped, a lover?

Looking at him, you knew what he was thinking. “It’s my daughter, not some lover. Lord knows he wouldn’t miss me,” you mumbled that last part bitterly

“Tell me about her,” he said, surprising you

And for once in your time staying in the mansion, you found someone to confide in. You spent the rest of your nights staying in Napoleon’s room, describing your daughter with so much compassion and love

He felt so much guilt basically asking you to leave all of that behind

Napoleon spent an entire night apologizing to you, saying sorry after sorry in hopes you wouldn’t feel any dislike towards him

That night you kissed him, interrupting his apologies and ceasing all of his guilt

You loved him, yes; but your daughter meant the world to you

On your final day, you walked hand in hand with him as you moved towards the rest of the residents

And then Comte surprised you, baring the news that Napoleon had asked for his permission to leave with you

Eyes widening, you turned to face him. “It was rather surprising, but the Comte allowed me. All I’m asking is that I get to spend as much as my life with you.”

You left with him that night. Saying goodbye to all of the residents, saying hello to your new life together

All you had to do was explain to your parents and your daughter why some strange man was with you after you went missing for a month

But that could be dealt with later 🤷‍♀️

Leonardo

He had asked it so casually. With you resting on his side, reading along as he turned the pages at his own pace

“Cara Mia, you should consider staying in this time”

Tracing a finger along your jawline, you didn’t look back at him the love struck way he had anticipated. You looked at him hurt; he didn’t like seeing you that way, especially not because of him

You breathed in heavily, tears threatening to roll down your face. “I have a son needs me back Leo. I can’t abandon him to spend the rest of my life with you.”

You left without a word, leaving the room in a hurry

It seemed as though you went out of your way to avoid him after that. He tried stopping you, attempting to strike casual conversation. It never worked though, and you spent your last few days either holed up in your room, briefly conversing with the other residents of the mansion, or confiding in Sebastian

Leo didn’t know what to say or what to do. When it was time for you to go back, you looked at him one final time and gave him a kiss

As the rest of the residents got their hugs and tear filled goodbyes, he stared at you bewildered

You left without a word to him. No words of goodbye. Just a single kiss and you were off

You belonged in another time with the one who deserves you the most

And maybe that’s what kills him. Maybe if he had thought about what he had said, Leonardo would have ended his time with you on a good not

But you were never his, and now you were gone

Arthur

So like I’m basing some plot points here off Arthur’s route. It’s been a while so some stuff may have been moved around lol

He found out about your son when you told him you weren’t a virgin anymore

With his talk about ruining your innocence and such, you just had to set the record straight

To be short, he was surprised

That didn’t stop him from hanging around you though. You two went around the town solving mysteries, and you genuinely looked like you were having fun

That is until you and Arthur stumbled upon the case with all of the orphans being trafficked by their caretaker

You were in shambles. You cried while Arthur was passed out, worrying for your son, worrying for Arthur

What if the same thing that happened to those orphans happened to your son when you dissappeared, you thought

It was irrational, you knew that. You knew that your son was with your parents at the time, you knew he should be safe. But what if he wasn’t?

When Arthur woke up you weren’t there. Sebastian had told him that you were in your room crying

Then he tells you about his doctor days. How he watched countless people die. How he watched that one little boy die. You two stayed in your room all night crying

Because of this, I genuinely believe Arthur wouldn’t ask the MC to stay with him. Arthur understands the worry someone has towards a child and how heartbreaking it can be to a parent to know you’ll never see your kid again. I cannot imagine him asking MC to stay with him if she has a child

He’ll look at you and your relationship, whatever is was at the time; and accept it. He’ll try and make you happy for the last few days you have in this time

And when it’s time to go?

He’ll send you off with a kiss and a flirtatious remark. When you give him a massive hug for it, that’s enough for him

Whatever Arthur feels for you at the time, any prospect of a continuing relationship dies as he knows he can’t possibly ask you to stay with him in the past

When you comeback, your little boy hears all of the adventures and mysteries that a playboy author and their sidekick solve together

Theodorus

Theo gets so conflicted

On one hand, he loves you too much to just let you slip away like that. You’re the only one besides his brother who he can love purely

On the other hand; Theo knows what it’s like to love someone unconditionally. How could he ever ask you to leave your daughter behind for him? Would he ever do the same for you if he had to decide between Vincent and you?

So despite being your kind of boyfriend but not really in a relationship, he attempts to ignore you on the upcoming days to your departure

It’s Vincent that explains to you what’s going on

You walk into Theo’s room and he tells you to get out

You don’t leave, instead sitting on his bed beside him as you begin to slowly lean your head on his shoulder

“You shouldn’t be doing this.” Theo couldn’t even muster an insulting name in his confliction

You look up at him, “but I want to”

“What about that kid of yours,” it’s your turn to stay quiet now

Theo’s the one that starts up conversation. “I think it’s best that we break up,”

It takes you everything in your soul to agree. With one final night spent together [having sex lol], you two end your relationship then and there

Vincent watches you two drift apart the coming days. He sees the tiredness in Theo’s eyes and your constant aversion to talking to the Van Gogh brothers

He doesn’t know how to fix it, and neither does Theo. So he tries to consol you two separately. Talking with Theo during the day, attempting to casually converse with you while you work

Vincent, the day before you’re supposed to leave, yet again asks you to check up on Theo. This time, he’s in the library

Theo on the other hand, gets a request from Vincent to retrieve a book for him. You and Theo see each other and are about to leave before you realize the doors are locked

With no other choice but to stay together until Sebastian or someone else opens it, you two are forced to talk things out

You explain that you love him, but you can’t possibly stay because of your daughter

Theo understands, and says he loves you too; he just can’t find it within himself to leave Vincent behind

The next day; when you’re supposed to leave, Theo kisses you and gives you a toy for your daughter

Your last words to him are, “Do me a favor. Love yourself just as much as you love Vincent and me”

He tries so hard to fulfill that promise, but his life is just empty without you in it

Comte

Comte already knew lol

He had discussed this with you when you first arrived. How you and your son were visiting the Louvre [is that the one from the game??] on holiday, and how worried you were for his safety

What he didn’t know is that the father was completely missing from you and your child’s life

Sooo

Big daddy Comte being the biggest daddy that he is decides to take you out every day to purchase gifts for your child

If not for them, to take your mind off of the worry

It gets to a point where you two are going out every other day to shop for your son

Is this healthy? Comte asks himself. No, not really. But he doesn’t know how to do anything else because he’s the reason why you can’t see your son

Through his guilt, something else blossoms

When he looks at the way your eyes light up when talking to him, when you happily approach him, something he hasn’t felt in years starts to blossom

He doesn’t ask you to stay with him. Instead, when the time you have to leave comes, you ask him to go with you

Because you bought too many toys and you need help carrying them

Because you want your son to know who’s been taking care of his momma the entire time

Comte almost cries right there

He can’t leave, but he makes a promise with you. Every other time the hourglass flips, he’ll visit you and deliver you and your son one of the toys you and he bought together

When your son asks you about the strange man who’s been giving him toys and playing catch-up with his momma; you tell him it’s a guardian angel

Comte definitely cries right there

I hope this was a good enough thing hshsjskw. I really like reading angst but I’m not that good at writing it lol. I changed up the prompt a bit [ofc I did I’m that bvtch] just do the scenarios wouldn’t be the same. Also I’m not that good at writing for Leonardo dejejsmrkd but my favorite to write was Arthur’s uwu

Enjoy~~

[carinyms]

We're three days from the Loki finale and I’m back to spout more meta and theories about episodes 5 & 6! It’s a long one (again.)

I really enjoyed episode five. People have complained that they felt it didn't do much to move the show forward, but one of the things I've loved most about this show is the time it takes to sit with the characters and learn about their backstory, their feelings. (I'm always a little bugged when critics say that an episode hasn't done enough to move the plot forward, because without adequate character development, why should I care about the plot?) I thought the pacing of it was really well balanced.

….and I have never been so nervous for a finale in my entire life. There’s a lot of reasons.

The first is just the fact that I’ve been waiting for this show for a whole year, and the anticipation and excitement of it literally helped get me through the pandemic--so when those final end credits roll I’m going to be a whole mess no matter what happens. (I really hope the rumors floating around about season two are accurate) I also just feel like it’s somewhat inevitable that this is our final farewell to Tom’s Loki, and like—I’ll never be ready, but especially right now, amidst all the rampant controversy around this show, I’m just not ready to deal with that. I have a *small* modicum of hope that this won't be the case, but it feels unlikely. Anyway, guess I’ll die.

I really want this show to stick the landing, so to say. I loved the last episode, but a lot of the response has been that it felt like a lull in the plot. I want this show to end in a satisfying bang so it can get the credit it deserves.

Also I’m a whole hypocrite eating my words from last week—I’m fully on-board with Loki/Sylvie now (not that I was ever really against it)--I’m not sure why I’m surprised. They’re so adorable and wholesome, and I’m in love with seeing Loki in love. It’s so precious. (Just as a PSA, if you’re not into them that’s chill, and you’re allowed to dislike a ship without trying to justify your opinion by labeling shippers as morally problematic. Selfcest isn’t a real thing, therefore there isn’t a moral high ground to stand on here. Okay? Okay.) Wherever it ultimately leads, their relationship is still a really sweet exploration of them both growing and learning how to love themselves and trust others. Also, them cuddling under a tablecloth is the cutest shit I’ve ever seen with my two eyes.

MY THEORIES:

I love Sylvie so much, SO MUCH — and she is 100% going to stab Loki in the back by the end of the next episode. I don’t think the betrayal is going to stick, and by the end they’ll both be on the same page again, but the conversations on trust have been way too one-sided for my comfort. If nothing else she's going to seriously consider it. Here’s one way I can see that going. Spoiler alert: it hurts.

Sylvie betrays Loki at one point—and we see Loki’s growth and arc come full circle as, even after being betrayed by the person he hinged his entire development around, he still believes in doing the right thing, in saving her regardless. It ends in a heart-wrenching self-sacrifice of some kind, and his actions serve as the catalyst for her full development as well. We keep seeing different versions of Loki die for their ‘glorious purpose’, just like how Classic Loki shouts the phrase as he was consumed by Aloith (RIP King, I love you).

Loki has already called Sylvie his glorious purpose (or inferred it). There’s been backlash around him saying that, but the way I see it, it’s less “I’m obsessed with this girl she’s my purpose now” and more “I believe that she’s the best version of us and I’m going to make it my purpose to help her succeed and be what the rest of us aren’t”. That’s why seeing all the other variant Loki’s at their worst in the Loki clubhouse (? what do I call this lol) only fuels him more to find her. I think about what Mobius told him: “You exist to cause pain and suffering and death, all so others can achieve the best versions of themselves”. I don’t think Loki truly believes he can be the best version of Loki — I think he saw Sylvie and thought, "it's her". He’s decided he’s going to help her achieve the best version of herself, but he'll do it giving her love and trust and devotion, rather than through betrayal, pain and suffering. He’s re-writing his pre-determined role, in his own small way. I’m so proud of him.

So who’s behind it all and what’s truly going on here? (This isn’t really one theory, more like a string of possibilities and I don’t really know how they’d fit together.)

I still think it’s another version of Loki. And if it is, I can’t help but appreciate the connections between his position dictating the end of time in the show in relation to Loki’s role in the Norse myths, where he’s the catalyst for the destruction of all things. It feels relevant, considering the whole idea that ‘the end of time hasn’t been written yet’ has come up twice now. That would be a fascinating tie-in to the mythology. (Also—Alioth looks like a giant dog. And Fenrir’s role in Ragnarok was devouring the world—I realize this is a reach but am I the only person seeing this connection?) The thing I really can’t predict is the motivation. What would cause a Loki to want to prevent Loki’s from changing? Was there something that happened in the sacred timeline this Loki is trying to preserve? (I also like the idea of us maybe seeing another version of Sylvie behind it all, but I’m just going to leave that rabbit hole alone. )

But here’s the theory I can’t stop thinking about. There’s a theory floating around tik tok (by user twelvepercentcredit) saying the ‘castle’ we see beyond Alioth looks like a place called the House of Ideas, something that appeared in a (discontinued?) Loki comic. Here’s the wiki page on it. Just looking at the imagery of this compared to the location we’re seeing in the trailers, it’s too similar to be a coincidence. The huge bookshelves, the towering ceilings.

Here’s a description from the wiki:

“The House of Ideas is also home to a library which archives the exploits of every hero who has ever existed in the form of books, written unconsciously by the collective minds of their believers. This collection is curated by Now and Then, two of the children of Eternity. Now and Then routinely seek out heroes to bring into the House of Ideas to bargain with them and give their collections more pages, therefore more time for adventures and exploits. “

And later on the page on how Loki ties in:

“Heeding the desire in Loki's heart to do more with his life, Now and Then approached Loki and brought him to the House of Ideas,[5] where they struck up with him the deal to give more pages to his collection of exploits, rewriting the Books of Loki with a hero's stories in exchange for an eventual hero's death.”

Are they gonna play with the exact happenings of this? I don't know, but it sounds pretty cool!

It would be gutsy to go this route with the show given how meta it is, but I love the idea of it. Would they put characters that embody the abstract ideas of “Eternity” “Now & Then” into the show in the last episode? I’m not sure. Something I could see as a possibility though is an alternate version of Loki having overthrown whoever was previously guarding the timeline, and Loki and Sylvie will have to take them down in turn, thus ‘releasing’ the multiverse to its default, chaotic state.

What if our Loki’s ultimate destiny, ultimate Glorious Purpose, is to release the timelines--restoring all the variants back to their original timelines--and remain in this place for eternity, guarding the timeline and ensuring the multiverse is allowed to exist in its natural state? It seems a pretty fitting role for the God of Chaos. It would also explain why whoever’s behind the TVA would be so desperate to eliminate all variant Loki, if that was his ultimate destiny.

It would be an effective way to remove Hiddleston’s Loki from the movie-verse without killing him, AND place both Sylvie and any other Loki variants back in the the main timeline for use in future films—which we know has to happen somehow, because Young Avengers is definitely happening, and Kid Loki has got to get out of the void somehow.

And yea, this outcome would hurt like a bitch. Because even though that would truly be a lovely glorious purpose for our Loki, he’d be alone. And the whole point of this show is that he doesn’t have to be alone! It would be a very poetic sacrifice for him to take on the burden of watching over the timelines alone for all eternity so that his other variants could be the best versions of themselves, but I really just want him to be happy. I will be crying my eyes out if this happens. I’ll be proud but I won’t be okay.

And this all is probably speculative nonsense and could go off in an entirely different direction. Who knows. All in all, I just really want to see Loki fully believe in himself and his ability, to truly absorb what he said about being stronger than he realizes, and to take control of his destiny.

WHAT I WANT (NEED) FROM EPISODE 6:

Let Hunter B-15 and Mobius team up to burn the place to the ground. She was nerfed in the time-keeper fight, I want to see B-15 kick some ass.

I kind of want Ravonna to escape and be a character that carries over into the films for her tie-ins with Kang? I want to see more of her.

Give Loki a new badass costume. I’m begging. If he’s gonna go down, he deserves to go down in something other than khakis.

And then I want to see him and Sylvie fighting side by side in matching outfits.

I want a Mobius-level hug between them. Or a kiss. Or both. But I want the hug more. And you know what? I want her to initiate the hug or kiss or whatever it is because I want Loki to experience receiving love and affection from others as much as giving it. He deserves it ok??

I expect Mobius on a jet ski in the post credits and if I don’t get it I riot

@marvel these are my demands.

As always, if you've made it this far I'd love to hear your thoughts!

[lonely-bored-writer]

Not So Alone

Fandom: Danny Phantom & Ben 10 (2005)

Summary: The life of a hero is often a lonely one, filled with anguish and danger, as much as it is filled pride and gratification. The weight of that life is crushing for any soul, let alone one much too young for such powers. One can only be lucky to find someone that can relate on a tiniest of gains, but luck seemed to be on these two boys. One finds a friend, the other finds a family.

Warnings: Although these are kids shows about kids, it does touch on the harsher reality of things than the shows do. It's gonna be overall angsty and heavy. This is the only overall warning I'm giving, and also some characters are de-aged to fit the story/theme. Enjoy!

The life of a hero was often a lonely and tiring path, one with high expectations. If a hero made one mistake, it could be a grave one. Lives are on the line, a hero doesn't have time to make mistakes. However, one cannot live a perfect life. Guilt was a heavy weight, especially on the minds of the young.

Benjamin Tennyson is only ten years old when this weight was pressed into his life. The Omnitrix was a complex device, one that allowed the young hero to take forms of various alien life-forms. As exciting as the idea of possessing such power was, Ben found that with powers comes villains. The detection of such powerful alien-technology brought forth a sea of those wanting it for themselves, and aliens appearing all across Earth. Seemingly always wherever the young Tennyson wanted to relax and be a child.

That was where the young hero found himself, stumbling upon yet another disaster needing his help.

Ben found himself smiling as the sound of the helicopter whirled in the air. Today was going to be good, just him with Grandpa Max and Gwen visiting a Rich guy's new hotel. The man was a millionaire, he had to have his own security detail, which means the Omnitrix shouldn't be needed and his time will finally be free. To have fun, to be a kid, and maybe to cause a little trouble of course. But what could you expect from a ten-year old.

He chose to tune out Grandpa's reunion with Donovan, instead choosing to take in the sights of the helipad on the roof. It was amazing, no fights against aliens could stand up against experiencing things like this. It was stuff Ben could only dream of having, let alone seeing. He turned his gaze to the boy standing next to the other man, pulling a smile that dropped quickly when the other boy frowned and turned his head. Ben was used to not being liked, but that's usually after his already spoke. School didn't count.

"Hi." Ben smiled when Mr. Grand Smith introduced them to Edwin.

"Yea, whatever." The child responded, crossing his arms in a way of disinterest. Ben frowned, turning to meet his cousin's own surprised look. People normally liked Gwen, he couldn't imagine how weird it was for someone to dislike her before she started on her smart talk. Ben held in a sigh, turning back to the adults. Neither of them commented on Edwin's rude behavior. But Ben knew if that was him, Grandpa would have most definitely said something.

"Ready to take the plunge?" Donovan smiled, motioning towards a set of doors that opened. He followed the others in, glancing to see Edwin giving both Tennyson kids a side-glare.

The group silently made it onto the raft, Ben glanced over and watched Edwin stare off into the distance. Neither Gwen or Grandpa Max caught his gaze. He was excite sure, this was going to be fun. But it's hard to have fun when you're so used to it all taking a deep dive at sooner or later. No pun intended. Nonetheless his smile was clear as day as the raft made its way down the tube. Gwen turned, grinning at him before turning to their Grandpa. It was nice, he was too used to their bickering, he forgot sometimes they can get along.

Ben watched in awe as the water glistened around the mostly clear tube, sea-life swimming past them. Ben wasn't sure if his new fondness of the sea was because of Ripjaws, but the sea always seemed peaceful to him. Even when sometimes a sea creature comes out and tries to eat you.

"You sure this is the safest place to build a resort like this?" Grandpa Max asked, grabbing Ben's attention. If Grandpa was feeling uneasy, that usually means something's going to happen. For once, Ben wished it wouldn't. More so than any other time. Ben didn't catch Mr. Grand Smith's response, but he did grab the next thing that came out the oldest Tennyson's lips. "I mean you're smack dab in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle." That caught Gwen's attention as well.

"Growing up you were always the worry wart, Max." Donovan laughed, looking out at the vast sea. "Never the risk taker. I give you the world's first, and only, underwater resort." The man flourished with a gesture of his arm. Ben sat up straight, looking forward in awe. It was beautiful.

Ben didn't quite catch what the man said as they got closer to the docking. Mr. Grand Smith was talking about some things about the hotel with Grandpa, but Ben was much to excited to explore. He grinned up at Gwen who matched his grin. The moment the raft settled, he and Gwen were already headed off.

The two stopped in front of one of the many glass windows, staring in awe at all the beautiful and colorful fishes that swam by. Ben heard the others approaching behind them.

"I read about your resort in-" Ben tuned out the rest of Gwen's talking. Focusing on all the fishes, before his eyes landed on the scuba diver. He knew that was the gear from older models at least, but it really did make the experience come just a bit more alive. "Isn't the glass reinforced-" Ben caught when his cousin cut herself off. He felt a spark of anger in him when he heard Edwin cough into his hand.

"Butt-kisser."

Donovan continued the conversation as if nothing happened. However, Ben hated it. This was one of the few places he didn't want to be kicked out of, or grounded in. His mind glossed over the science talk that happened. He did catch that the place had nine whole pools, and that it costed two billion dollars. Even Ben had to be impressed.

"But you know, money isn't everything." Donovan smiled, only to quickly drop to a frown when his grandson chimed in.

"Changed the family motto, Grandpa?" Edwin scoffed, hands still crossed. Ben glanced at the other kid, eyes furrowing. It wasn't had to tell the kid didn't want to be there, and it's not like Ben knew what it was like being rich, but he sure did think this place was cool enough to want to be in. Ben's eyes zeroed in on a little yellow pin resting against the burgundy sweater.

"Hey, I'm into Sumo Slammers too." Ben tried, moving a little closer. "Where'd you score that pin?" He asked, gesturing towards the pin. He tried not to let it get to him when the other boy still looked away from him.

"Sumo slammers slam-down V in Helsinki." Edwin responded, still not meeting Ben's eyes. "We flew on my Grandpa's private jet just to get it." That must have been fun, Ben remembered when he first heard about it and how much he wanted to go, but knew he couldn't.

"And Edwin says the pin's already tripled in value." Donovan chimed in, resting a hand on his grandson's shoulder. The older gentleman then turned to Grandpa Max. "Kid's got a head for business, grooming him to take over the empire one day. Gotta keep it in the family." Ben grinned, turning to look at his Grandpa.

"I've sort of been following in my grandpa's footsteps this summer, too." Ben smiled, he's learned not to give too much out too soon after the incident with Grandpa's old partner. But this was something he was proud of, being good at something for once. It was at that moment the lights began to flicker, and an alarm sound rang through the air. Ben tensed, glancing around and tried to find any immediate dangers.

Everyone turned in time to see the Scuba diver, that caught Ben's eyes, lose his balance as the water around him surged towards the fans below. His eyes watched as the man fell, only stopping when his tether got caught up in railings. His eyes caught sight of the water pooling into the mask, as the man struggled to get back up. He barely caught the words Donovan spoke in response to what happened. A power surge.

"Will he be okay?" Ben asked, turning to look at the eldest in the room.

"Hmph, if the sharks don't get him first." Ben glanced over, feeling an uneasiness at how emotionless Edwin said that.

"I can't have an employee turned into fish food right before the opening. The press will ruin me." Mr. Grand Smith spoke, turning and rushing to go do something. Ben grounded his teeth, they spoke like a man's life wasn't in danger. He could easily save him if he turned into Ripjaws, but that wasn't the point of the trip. The Grand Smiths had to have it covered.

A glance from Gwen, however, told him otherwise. He rushed off to an area he was sure he could transform in without being seen. Ripjaws it was. Ben pressed against a pipe, turning the Omnitrix until Ripjaws silhouette popped up. With a sigh, he pressed it. Feeling the familiar tug and slight ache as his biology transformed, but this didn't feel like Ripjaws.

"Seriously, for once I was better off as me." Ben groaned staring down at the grey skinned hands of Grey Matter. He blinked, feeling the familiar reptilian lids slid over his eyes. Nonetheless Ben quickly leaped into the water. A man's life was on the line, even if he wasn't well suited to help, he couldn't wait.

He pushed through the water as fast as he could, watch the sharks circle around the dangling man. Two. The man was struggling, which never helped in a situation like this, but Ben understood the fear. He was feeling the same fear as he tried to run through a plan to help save the man. Instinctively he grabbed on to one of the shark's fin, hitching a ride as it took another round.

Ben reeled back his arm and took a straight punch to the shark's eye, throwing it off course. He continued to punch, even as the shark made a beeline for the man, mouth open and ready to bite. His heart hammered away at his chest, before his eyes landed on the second shark. To his luck, or maybe Grey Matter's calculations, the shark he rode on bit into the second one.

His grip slipped on where he gripped the gills, and he was projected away from the fighting sharks. Only to land smack dab in the middle of the helmet's window. Ignoring the ache in his lungs from how long his been holding his breath in such a small form, he smiled at the man staring eye-wide at the alien. To his luck, he heard the fan start to slow down before reversing.

The water propelled the two upwards, knocking the man's helmet off his head. The bubbles that came out the moment the helmet came of scared Ben for a second, before he found himself being launched into air, rather than water.

Ben winced as his hand hit full-force on the edge of a replica boat hanging off the ceiling. The copper dung harshly into his palm, but he made sure to tighten his grip when the ever familiar beeping sounded. Quickly followed by a flash of light, and Ben having to readjust to being normal again. Almost losing his grip, but securing it in time to hear Edwin speak.

"Hey, where's your cousin?"

"Just hanging!" Ben called from his place, waving his other hand. Ignoring the pain in his arm, he laughed. "Does anyone have a ladder?"

It didn't take long for Ben to find himself back on solid ground. He watched as the Scuba diver stumbled away from them. He felt bad for the man. Especially when Donovan spoke about doubling his salary, but at least the press wouldn't know. The man's life had to be more important than money or reputation, right?

"But who would believe him, he said some six-inch rat with two legs saved him." Donovan laughed, shaking his head.

"Just buy him off." Edwin spoke, arms still crossed, and looking at no one in particularly. To Ben it seemed like a kid whose pouting about not getting his way, but what kid can pout through all this. "Now, that's the Grand Smith way."

"Ahem. Edwin, why don't you take Ben and Gwen on a tour so their grandpa and I can catch up on old times?" Donovan cleared his throat before smiling. Ben still can't believe everyone was just letting the kid act like this. Then again, money changes everything. That's what every ones' told him and that's what he's come to learn.

"Oh man." Ben quietly groaned, the same time Gwen did too. "Ugh."

Ben watched as the two walked away, not really listening to the words but processing it for later. Ben quietly followed Edwin in the opposite direction, not bothering to attempt small talk, and neither was Gwen.

It didn't take long before the trio found themselves walking up to a mock-beach with a large water-slide that Ben most definitely had to try at least twice. If going Grey Matter was the only incident for the rest of the stay, this could be one fun time. "Nice." Ben broke the silence, looking in awe at the twisty slides.

"Not bad." Edwin spoke as well, his 'better than you tone' ever so present. "In the morning, I have my own swim coach and person trainer to work out with." Which if Ben was being honest he wouldn't have expected, but then again, no one would suspect him of spending a good part of his summer fighting aliens and criminals.

"You're a swimmer?" Gwen asked, not bothering to hide her surprise.

"Long-distance." Edwin responded, creating the movements as if he were swimming. "My grandpa say it builds character."

Ben couldn't help but mock him the moment he walked away. Gwen laughed at him, before following the rich kid. Ben shook his head before following along, he made a mental note to make sure to come back and visit this mock-beach.

The next stop also had Ben stricken with awe. A submarine hung from the ceiling, an open pool underneath. One would assume it was functional, and Edwin filled in any thoughts with some facts.

"It's called the Undersea Manta Ray." Edwin spoke, moving closer to it as the other two followed. "It's my grandfather's."

"Well, it looks cool." Gwen spoke, just as in awe as Ben.

"You want to take it for a ride?" Edwin asked, having not turned around.

"Definitely." Ben spoke first, not taking his eyes off the submarine.

"You sure it's okay?" Gwen asked, turning a suspicious look to Edwin. Ben bit back a sigh, they were kids, they were meant to cause trouble sometimes. Edwin never really responded though, instead smirking at the two Tennysons.

Edwin instead instructed them to follow and he lowered the submarine. Ben grinned at Gwen who only looked worried. "We shouldn't do this." Gwen whispered as Edwin worked the submarine open.

"Come on Gwen, when would we get this opportunity again?" Ben grinned, following Edwin in. He didn't have to worry if Gwen was going to follow or not, she always did.

The kid knew what he was doing in terms of driving the submarine, that was for sure. But Ben couldn't tear his eyes away from the different forms of sea-life swimming by. The color fishes, the glowing pink jellyfish.

"Wow, some of these fish look totally prehistoric." Gwen's worry seemed to vanish as the nerd side of her came out. Ben had to agree though, some of these looked like those fishes Ben caught sight of when Gwen was watching her documentaries. Ben smiled, when Gwen looked back at him with her own grin. This was nice, like really nice. Everything was so pretty and peaceful down here.

The submarine descended a few more levels before gliding forward through the dark depths with ease. The lights illuminating the once pitch-black waters. Ben wasn't paying much attention to anything but the sea-life until Gwen spoke up.

"Okay, now that's weird." Just then a glowing blue, squid-like robot jolted in front of the window. Quickly the robot latched itself to the window, and rammed an almost beak-like part into it. Ben tensed, turning to see Edwin looking shocked and scared.

"And that's weirder." He said. One more popped up at Edwin's window, following the same actions as the first one. Ben tensed, glancing around as more swarmed the submarine. The bots made screeching noises as the rammed up against the windows. Fear flooded into Ben's system, along with adrenaline. He wanted to relax, not deal with another adrenaline high.

The familiar sound of glass cracking sounded through the noise, before the sound of rushing water filled through and an alarm blared. Ben could tell he needed to step in, but how could he when there was nowhere to run or hide.

"What do you think those creatures what?!" Edwin asked, glancing back at Gwen.

"I don't think it's to play Marco polo." Came her usual nervous response. Ben's face settled in determination.

"We've gotta go back to the hotel." Edwin's face seemed to settle at his words, the kid pulling a lever and moving the submarine faster and upwards. Ben sighed a quiet sigh of relief as he saw some of the creatures lose their grip and float away. He knew they were chasing them, others still clinging to the ship.

He had to put as much faith as he could into Edwin, if he tried to help, he'd out himself. He flinched when the first explosion sounded, one of those creatures' made contact with an apparently live bomb. The train reaction followed quickly, the other ones near by going off as well.

The submarine jolted around, and Ben's hope slowly started to fizzle out. No other creatures seemed to take a dive with those explosions. Ben's eyes flipped around at the creatures and debris flying through the sea.

"Grandpa, do you copy?" Edwin spoke into a radio, which Ben silently wish he'd done earlier. No response. Ben turned, catching his cousin's eyes. He didn't want to but he knew that look. Nodding, he unbuckled his belt and made his way to the exit. Being sure to close the door behind him. The ship didn't need to take on any more water.

"Turn me into Wild Mutt, you're dead meat." Ben grumbled, hoping that he got Ripjaws. They couldn't afford another mishap like earlier. Not this time. He felt the familiar tug and aches, before the light died down. "Okay, now we're talking." He breathed, eyes trailing over the familiar greenish scales.

Taking down the bots was much easier as Ripjaws, the sharp claws and strong teeth ripped through them without a problem. Swimming through the water was much easier as well, his legs slinging together into a tail. The worry came with trying to get all the creatures away from the submarine before they destroyed it and put Gwen and Edwin's lives more endanger.

Once he finally caught up with the submarine, he chomped the closest one in half. That seemed to do it. Most of the creatures paused, before turning their attention to him. The tentacles were annoying, that's for sure. Even through the adrenaline, Ben could feel the faint aches of where the bruises would form. Ripjaws was the best one for the job, even if his skin wasn't as tough as some of the others.

Ben barely manage to take out six that swarmed him at once, before high-tailing it towards the submarine. He glanced inside to see Gwen's relieved face, and Edwin's worried one. Not stopping to eavesdrop, he quickly moved on from creature to creature. He took out the last one when the familiar beeping chimed near his gills, followed by the soft flash of red.

His fear spiked when he reached the hatch, pulling desperately on it, but there was no give. In his haste to destroy the creatures, he didn't notice the damage the submarine took. He does now remember the harsh blow on his back from the impact. He barely pulled open the latch, and swung himself inside when the flash came over him. He pushed open the door, water falling to the ground, and dripping from him but he didn't pay attention.

Inhaling deeply, he feel to his knees, resting against the metal flooring. His lung ached in the time it took him to fully adjust and get in, and exhaustion settled in his bones as the adrenaline slowly seeped out of them. They weren't in the clear yet, but his body could only panic for so long.

Ben felt his heart drop in relief once they passed through those doors. Silently the trio made their way out of the submarine and onto the deck. Alarms blared loudly around them, signifying that the base was also under attack.

"We're flooding." Donovan spoke, glancing among them all. "They broke the glass."

"I knew you shouldn't have taken it. I knew it." Edwin cut in urgently.

"Edwin quiet. I'm sure it has nothing to do with this." Donovan hushed him, but Ben couldn't help but focus his gaze on Edwin.

"Taken what Donovan." Grandpa Max cut in, Ben could hear the anger already settling his grandpa's voice.

"Edwin doesn't know what he's talking about." Donovan excused. Ben tensed with ever second that passed. This back and forth, along with the alarms and the threat right outside the door. He couldn't calm down.

"How would you know? All you ever hear from me is what you want to hear." Edwin all but yelled as his grandfather. The sound of zapping electricity brought the others attention back to the matter at hand. A few of those creatures appeared above the submarine.

"Let's go." Max commanded, everyone immediately following his order. They rushed quickly into the elevator, barely making it through before the creatures would have been on top of them.

"Donovan, what is going on?" Grandpa Max asked, once they settled in the elevator.

"Okay, the underwater volcano thing didn't work. The resort was doomed." Ben had no clue what he was on about, but he had a feeling alien technology was involved. "I was about to become a punch line to a bad joke. Then I found this other energy source on this weird craft way down below. It was like nothing I've ever seen before. "

"And now, I bet those aliens want it back." Gwen chimed in. Ben's face hardened, this man put every ones' lives at risk over a stupid resort.

"Yea, the same ones with the underwater parking lot full of boats and planes." Ben said. Everyone glanced among each other.

The moment those elevator doors opened, the group made their way out only to be met with a rush of water and creatures headed their way. They made it through another doorway, Ben barely picked up a comment Grandpa Max made about his job and the Bermuda triangle. He glanced his watch and clenched his teeth. Still red.

They did manage to make it onto a raft, water spilling from holes everywhere. Everyone sat in silence for a moment, waiting for their turn up the tube to leave. Ben glanced and caught sight of Donovan's angry and defeated face.

"look on the bright side grandpa, you still have fifteen resorts worldwide." Edwin tried to comfort Donovan. Ben watched as the older man didn't say anything, simply moving the raft to exit. Ben heard it first, a soft noise before the tentacles arrived, wrapping over the edge of the raft. Nothing could ever go that simply.

The raft was torn apart effortlessly, Ben cried out as he watched Grandpa Max and Mr. Grand Smith be pulled in the opposite direction as the kids. Ben screamed along with the other kids as their half started free-falling back into the resort. His mind racing with the reality that the resort down there was falling apart and should collapse and be fully submerged soon.

Ben caught sight of Gwen coaching Edwin, having him cover his eyes. He caught her eyes next before nodding. Lucky for him, the watch had enough time to reboot. He didn't need to swim, he needed to get them out of there as soon as possible. Stinkfly it was. Ben focused on holding tightly to Edwin and Gwen as Gwen gave a lame excuse to the other boy.

"Hold on." Ben spoke, glancing at Edwin before focusing his attention on the road before them. His heart rate picked up with every lucky dodge of a tentacle he made. He could see the sharpness and ridge of them. He knew if he let even one of them touch any of them, it could be some serious damage. In his attention to the spikes, he didn't notice the stream of water before it was too late.

They hit the water hard, Ben berating himself mentally as him came up. "My wings are too wet, I can't fly. And, oh, yea I can't swim either." He spoke, finding himself falling back under the current. To his luck, Gwen and Edwin caught him quickly and supported him up on the surface.

"Don't worry, we got you. Ben." Edwin spoke, giving the bug a knowing look.

"That's not Ben." Gwen tried to defend, but Ben already know. Edwin knew it was him, but he didn't seem like he was planning to tell anyone.

"Yea right, good aliens just showing up to help us." Edwin responded. "While your cousin always happens to be gone? How dumb do I look? So how do you do it?" He turned to Ben.

"Edwin Listen to me." Gwen pulled the boy's attention to her. "That energy orb-if the aliens are here for it, we have to get to it first."

"Alright, let's get it." Edwin spoke after a short pause, and Ben was just relieved to have the attention off him. "But it's all the way on the other side of the resort."

"But we can't make it in the water." Ben pointed out.

"Who said anything about swimming." Gwen smirked, Ben followed her gaze to the air ducts.

They were making good progress in the vents, Gwen being the only one really speaking. Ben was too worried about if his grandpa made it up alright, and if he could get the others out safely. The Gwen made some comment about getting there quicker, and the pipes decided to give right there and then. As they free fell through the pipes, Ben cursed how unlucky they were until they landed.

By speed boats.

"Alright, now we're talking." Ben laughed, watching Gwen take a seat before going to follow suit. Just as he was about to pull himself up he felt a iron-tight grip surround his leg and a yank down-ward.

He fought harshly against the tentacle, holding in his breath. To his luck, the watch beeped before turning him back. Making him smaller, giving him the chance to slide out of the grasp and swim upwards. He felt the strong ache in his lungs. He gasped for air the moment he broke the surface, turning a gaze at the creature popping up. Pulling himself up onto the boat, Gwen immediately put it to drive. Edwin followed behind, oar in hand and took out the creature.

"Thanks." Ben offered with a thumbs up.

"Thank you. That was awesome." Edwin responded, and Ben couldn't help but note that the kid was smiling for the first time since they got there. "Hey lookout!" Gwen narrowly missed a collision with one of those creatures.

The rest of the ride consisted on trying to doge every one of those things, and keeping close enough to each other so they didn't lose anyone. Before long they made it to the orb, without anymore incidents.

"If the orb can power this whole resort, just imagine what the aliens did with it." Gwen awed, staring at the small pink orb.

"Stealing all those ships and planes would be a good guess." Ben retorted, remembering that those were the creatures responsible for the Bermuda Triangle.

"Maybe if we reverse the connections, it would turn its outward power inward." Edwin offered, Gwen peaking up at the science driven solution.

"And make the whole resort implode." Ben tensed, glancing down at his watch. Red. It was a smart plan though.

"With those aliens in it." He finished.

"Good thinking Edwin." Gwen praised, and Ben offered him a smile.

"Thanks, but we still need to get out of here." Edwin pointed out. Ben paused, before smirking.

"I have an idea." As long as the watch rebooted in time.

Edwin quickly reverted the power surge, the creatures started to flock to it the moment they were heading out. Ben smiled softly as the key component to his plan came into view.

"That's your escape plan?" Edwin asked surprised. Ben nodded, looking at the replica submarine. "It's only for show!" Edwin pointed out.

"And when I'm done with it, it'll be for go." Ben responded, eyes landing on his watch. Green. Hoping it gave him what he needed this time. "Upgrade." He whispered as the glow and feeling washed over him. He made quick work of wrapping himself all along the submarine and merging into it.

He propelled them forward, pushing with all his might as he felt the water around them tremble. The explosion was going to catch up to them, but he needed to get them to an opening. Lucky for them, all the creatures were distracted down below, they made it out without much more of a hitch. The explosion helping Ben propel them forward, towards the surface.

Once they were close enough to the surface that momentum alone would get them to the top, Ben merged himself back into the main space. The beeping sounding and turning him back just as he got inside. Ben couldn't focus too much once they got on dry land. The exhaustion of the day hitting him, but nonetheless he smiled.

Ben smiled and laughed along with everyone before they were biding their good-bye's and making their way back to the RV. Ben yawned, quietly listening to Gwen recount the story to Grandpa all the way to the rust-bucket.

"You kids did good." Grandpa Max smiled, before turning his attention to Ben. "Are you okay Ben?" He asked, concern folding into his features. Ben smiled with a nod and a laugh.

"I'm just beat." He grinned, ignoring the dull aches and throbs that ran through his muscles. All he wanted now, was a nap.

[kewltie]

"Papa, I love you," Kasumi says delicately, patting the back of Papa’s hand encouragingly. "You're an absolute treasure. Truly the best human being in the world, the greatest dad any child could ever ask for," Papa's face softens at her words and that’s when she goes in for the kill, "but why is your taste so awful? You can do so much better than him."

"You know I'm still here, right?" Bakugou says dryly behind them. "And I have fucking ears."

Kasumi snaps her head to him and glares at Bakugou’s uninspired stance as he folds his arms across his chest. "I know and that's why I was saying it loud and clear so you can hear my very vocal disappointment and protest from where you are."

A brief silence, and then, "You got a problem with me, hellspawn?" Bakugou asks with a brow raised. "Didn't you harass me for several weeks to court your dear old man?” He snorts. “ Something about wanting to help him find true love, isn’t that right?”

"That was before I knew you were my donor!" she retorts in a sulky tone. "You're now disqualified from the candidacy." Kasumi had prepared for everything, but she never counted for Bakugou Katsuki to throw a wrench into her masterplan by being her sire. Ugh. If only she can rewind time.

Bakugou frowns, eyes narrowed. "What's wrong with being my daughter? I'm fucking great, you brat."

"You're annoying for one," she fires back.

Papa makes an awkward stifled cough beside her as Bakugou reels back in disbelief. "Hah?!"

She carefully breaks her hold from Papa to count off on her fingers. "You're rude, cocky, and often look one second away from punching someone. There's a lot to dislike about you."

"Kasumi-chan," Papa says, placing a firm hand on her shoulder in warning.

"I'm just speaking the truth." She huffs indignantly. "He's the actual worst."

"You may think that now," Papa says quietly, "but Kacchan is an amazing person and I hope you will see that one day." He never raises his voice at her. It’s always a soft but careful reprimand.

She makes a face. "I've already seen it all and I'm rightfully unimpressed."

"Yea, so have I," Bakugou counters, eyes keen and fierce as he gives her a pointed once over. Not to be cowed by Kasumi's cutting words at all.

She bristles, stepping forward with menacing intent but before she get any further, Papa pulls her back by the arm. "Please, don't fight. You two are father and daughter," he begs, holding on to her tightly.

Kasumi doesn’t fight off his grip, but her body tenses up. "No.” Her eyes snap to Papa heatedly. "I already have a parent and that's you! When I planned this thing I wanted to find a partner for you.” The pitch of her voice rises and rises with each word that slip pass her lips. “This isn't about me at all! It's about you and your happiness! I'm doing great because you'd sacrificed too much for me and I just want to give some of it back to you."

"Oh," Papa breathes out, hush with dawning realization. "Kasumi-chan, this isn't on you."

"You don't have take on it all on yourself. No matter how mature you tried to be, you're still my baby girl so you're allowed to be selfish and doted on." Papa smiles softly. "And beside my happiness is you. You're not a burden to me."

And just like that a dam breaks within her.

Her lips wobble and she wails, "Papa!" She slams into his legs and wraps her arm around him. No matter how big she'd gotten or how she wears her intellect as her adult suit of armor, Papa always have a way of making her feel small, precious, like she's back in his arms again.

"While this is highly touching and nauseating sweet," Bakugous drawls, "because you're both sentimental fools, but I'm not here trying to break up your dumb happy family." His words had the same bite to it before, but there's a strange infliction in them that twists a knot in her chest.

He sounds bitter.

She looks back and sees him standing there all awkward, tense and, for the first time, unsure of himself. "You don't like me? Fine," he says tersely. "Don't want me? Even better. We don't even have to associate with each other, but—" he looks away, swallowing. His voice drops slightly into a low murmur as he says, "I know you don't need me, because you're both doing fine on your own, but—" he grimaces like the next words are painful for him to say, "I want to be part of your life if you let me."

Kasumi's eyes widen as Papa gasps.

"Kacchan—!" Papa starts, but Bakugou cuts him off a glare. "Let me fucking finish, Deku, because this is already embarrassing enough so I don't want to repeat it again," he scolds, heat sitting high on his cheekbones, making him look strangely more human than he usually is.

Bakugou Katsuki is the no. 1 hero in the country, his name and fame is spread far and wide and even if his personality and character is the worst, Kasumi and Papa are merely pebbles on the road for him; he could have just step over them completely. They're nothing to him in the grand scheme of things. But right before her eyes is not the greatest hero of his generation, but just a clumsy, uncertain man full of wants and desires that he can't wholly grasp in his hand because there are things in this world even the great hero Ground Zero can not have, and that is Papa and Kasumi.

"We can do this cluster fucked of a situation however slow you want. See the scenery, take the long path around, or go to a fucking crawl I don't even know." He smiles wryly. "Whatever you want. You guys dictate the pace. I just want to be allowed to walk alongside you."

For the first time since she was born Kasumi met the second person in the entire world who put everything on the line for her. His stubborn pride, his reasons, and his happiness all comes before her. The first is Papa, and now the second is Bakugou Katsuki. He doesn’t know her. And she only knows him on paper and in the news.  

They’re new at this. Terrifyingly new. They don’t even know how to bridge the chasm of the ten years she was raised alone under Papa’s careful attentive hands. She’s Papa’s daughter, not Bakugou, and that will be the hardest hurdle Bakugou will ever have to face. To have Papa is to conquer the iron fortress of her heart and she had never let anyone in beside Papa.

"It won't be easy," she hears herself says through the roaring beats of her own heart. She doesn't know how her voice can stay calm when her hands are shaking by her side. "I'm not nice and I can be difficult and trying at times, while Papa is too soft and hurt too easily. We’re not something you can get hung up on and then when you’re bored you can cast us aside.” She looks at him intently. "We're hard work so this isn't one of your battles where you can just win us over with brute force alone."

Bakugou grins sharply. "I know. You're both going to give me hell, but it's fine." He shrugs easily enough. "I always like a challenge. The best things are always worth the fight and I’m very, very good at fighting."

It’s cocky and fire sure, and she wants to knock the arrogance out of him, but he’s gazing up at Papa weary and hesitant smile and she thinks, maybe, just maybe this is okay. For now.

[fatesinthenight]

Dark's Heart (part 2)

The next day it was all over the internet, the picture of you booping Dark's nose. People had taken a video of you when you talked to Dark and posted it that day. A lot of people commented that you provoked him and some said you must be really brave enough to talk to Dark like that. Google goes through the comments in the video and the ones for the photo of you booping the nose. "This is really trending right now from the community." Google looks at the three screens looking through the comments. His brothers are also looking it up on other social media outlets. Dark is standing in the room with them, hands behind his back watching them work.

"This is humiliating." Dark does not look pleased as he notices Yellow found so many gifs of the boop on Tumblr. He woke up to the sound of Willford laughing so loudly and he bursts into Dark's room to show him the photo. From there Dark called the Googles and made them search it immediately. "What do the comments say?"

"Some find it funny, then we have others who find it rude for some reason, the ones who say "who do they think they are", and those praising their bravery." Green saids. Red snickers, "I like their style." That gave him a dirty look from Dark. "I don't like that some of the people are being rude. I don't think they did anything wrong.", Yellow saids looking at some hate comments. Dark looks over Yellows shoulder and reads some. Some were pretty rude and some were just childish jabs. 

"They should have thought of that before doing anything." Dark saids. He looks at the picture of you with him. He is still curious about you then shakes it off thinking why would he want to know about you. "Look someone found out who they are." Green saids. Google pulls it out to a bigger screen, sure enough there you are in a photo. "Some of these fans are relentless... kind of scary..." Google saids. Dark looks at your Facebook profile, "So (Y/N) is it. Hmmmm"

"Should we do something about this?" Google looks up at Dark. Dark is usually in charge making some calls when it comes to things like this. The Googles go through online for anything going wrong in the community. They cant stop hate comments since more would come but they do make an effort to stop some bullying to the fans. In this case it was people wanting to know who you were after the event, the really intense ones. Dark was more concerned over his image rather than you but he does for some reason think of how you feel about this. "I suggest just to keep people from looking into (Y/N) for now. Mark would not want them to feel targeted, like I care they did this to themselves." , Dark said. The Googles get to work on it and within a minute they are able to hack the internet together to get your page protected. "There crises averted. And while you are at it delete what happened that day." Dark commands. Google looks up at Dark from his seat, " Dark that would take at least five hours to do even with all of us working on it..." Dark just gives him a look and Google turns around and starts deleting.

Dark leaves the computer room where all the Googles work at and heads to the kitchen. He gets some water and Willford comes up from behind him. "Well well who knew there was someone out there who wasn't going to take your shit. Besides me of course." Dark drinks his water and looks at Will, "They were foolish to do so. It got them targeted by some fans." Willford shrugs, "You know sometimes there are those too intense fans. I mean some of them still say mean things about Amy." Dark thinks about the situation. He thinks about what you said to him. He thinks abut how you just smiled at him even when he was threatening you. Dark didn't know what to think of you, a fooling person or someone who was trying to get to him. Did you know that someone was most likely going to film them and take pictures? Were you looking at the aftermath and what were you thinking about it? Dark thought of this curiously then just took his cup and started to go to his office. "Well anyone who doesn't give care what you say is good in my book!!!" ,Willord yells at you laughing.

Dark goes to his office. He makes Google allow him access to your Facebook page. He looks through it, he sees pictures of you with some friends, some with family. He sees you being goofy and make silly posts about things you are doing. The things you like and dislike, your favorite things like color, season, shows, movies, books, and music. He sees you posted a new photo of you in your new Dark shirt smiling. the post read you had a good time and that Dark wasn't as bad as people say he is. Dark sees comments instantly piling up, some were asking if you were crazy and others nice boop. Dark chuckles when you post a comment ignoring the mean comments and answering to the friendly ones. "You are an interesting one. Taking the high road aren't we?"

You are at home looking at your laptop. You see some hate comments but scroll past them. Although you were puzzled when some of the people sending some bad messages on other sites you have an account are being deleted suddenly without you doing anything. You already read a few and some were pretty nasty like you only wanted attention or you were just trying to act badass when you were not. It didn't matter to you but the constant mean comments did annoy you, you were just trying to have fun. Then you laugh at how Dark just looked up at you surprised. He has probably never heard that from anyone before by the look of it or someone didn't have the guts to tell him to his face. "First time for everything." You say to yourself. You get up and decide to head out for a walk.

You walk to a park and sit on a bench looking around. You see some families playing around, joggers pass by, couples laying on the grass or under a tree, and some children in a playground far off. It is a nice evening out and you take in the fresh air. A breeze comes in and you love the coolness of it taking a deep breath. Then you hear a group of footsteps behind you coming closer, "Hey your that one from the event." A girl looks at you annoyed. You turn around in your seat to see two girls and three guys giving you a judging look.

"Ummm can I help you?" You tilt your head at them. 

Girl one flips her hair and looks at you mad. "Are you serious? You totally made us look bad."

You are confused raising an eyebrow, "I don't understand." Guy two answers, "You showed we were being a bunch of babies because we didn't go up to Dark."

 "Yea whats up with that? You think your cool or something?" Guy one said. 

You notice girl two has her phone out, "Are really recording this?" Girl two huffs, "Its live so people can see your actually a dork and all talk." 

You stand up, "Umm look guys I didn't mean it to look like that. I was wanted to meet the guy, I was looking forward to the event just like anyone else. So can we just get past it? I got to go now." You start to leave but then girl one takes your arm.

"What's the hurry? We just want to talk or are you too good for that now your some internet star." Girl one saids. You look at the others around you who look like they are trying to block your way. "How unfair are you? Outnumbering me one to five? Come one guys." You say casually, but inside you think I am so screwed.

"Whatever you started it by-" Guy three gets cut off. The area feels cold suddenly like something ominous is in the air. You feel it and look around and notice that the others look nervous. They start to shiver and feel uneasy looking around like something was going to pop up behind them. The group hears a voice whisper in their ear, "Leave." They all get chills down their spines and run off. You stand there confused not hearing the voice. You still feel a dread in the air. It does not consume you like it did the others that ran but you wonder why you feel this way.

"How are you still here?" You turn around to find Dark standing behind you his hands behind him. "Usually my presence makes people uncomfortable yet here you still stand." He gets up close to you looking you in the eye. "What are you?"

You look back at him and smile. "I'm different that's all."

"So it seems." Dark looks at where the others ran. " You have become quite popular it seems." You follow his gaze and sigh, "Yea I guess so. It sucks to be honest. I didn't know just being me was going to end up like this."

Dark raises an eyebrow at you, "So it wasn't for the attention. What was your purpose then?" You look at him studying him for a moment. "Nothing. Just wanted to let you know I like your character. That's all." You then realize something, "How the heck did you get here?"

Dark shakes his head. "For someone who is suppose to be a fan of mine you don't know what I can do." You just shrug, "Am I suppose to know everything?" Dark rolls his eyes. "I can go where ever I please through a dark portal as long as I picture where I want to go." You look at him eyes big, "Really that is so cool. That must make traveling so much more easier for you. Wait if you can do that then how do you know I was here?"

Dark takes out his phone. "The Googles were keeping an eye on how your little stunt was progressing in the community. They saw that someone had found you and was filming you via live trying to possibly hurt you. So here I am." You laugh, "Wow the Googles can do that? Nice.." Then you think of why did Dark show up. "Not that I am not grateful for you saving the day and all, I thought it would have been Silver instead, but why did you come here?"

"I came because my stupid creator would throw a fit knowing a fan was being harassed and I rather not deal with that, its annoying. Besides..." Dark leans into you his face inches from yours making an evil smile. "If anyone is going to make you miserable its going to be me... You owe me and now I am going to collect my payment."

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #53

“easy to be sleazy when you’ve got a filthy mind.”

what's the last movie you watched on your own?   i couldn't tell you.  i don't watch movies on my own, it's boring. what about the last movie you watched with another person?   chelsea and i had "gbf" on netflix, but we didn't really watch it. what about the last movie you saw at the cinema? was it good?   colleen, chelsea, and i saw "trolls" for a buck.  it was SOOOO cute. do you attend school, college, or uni?   an art university, yeah. what do you study, wherever you study?   digital photography. kisses on the cheek or the neck?   cheek if you wanna be casual, but neck kisses if you want me to rip your fucking clothes off lmao. how do you earn your keep?   i don't work.  i'm ashamed of it, but i don't and can't work like a "normal" human being.  i'm trying to find a job with my very limiting criteria, but it's not easy, at all.  i doubt i'll ever have a proper job until i can be a freelance photographer. if you could speak three different languages fluently, what would they be?   GERMAN, latin, and ummm... i mean i guess spanish, because it'd be most convenient to me. who do you usually text the most?   my mom or my best friend colleen. shaved legs or shaved arms?   legs.  i don't shave my arms. fried, poached, boiled or scrambled eggs?   i like scrambled and cheesy eggs. have you ever been surprised with breakfast in bed?   no.  it'd be nice at least once. have you always got good grades?   from elementary all the way through high school, yeah.  i'm struggling in college... list four things about your facial appearance:   i have blue eyes, glasses, no freckles, and a piercing on the right side of my nose. list four things about your general appearance:   i'm overweight because fuck heartbreak, i'm white, i have no ass, and i have large breasts. list four things you like about yourself:   i'm passionate as fuck, i honestly think i have good morals, i'm loyal, and very understanding. list four things you dislike about yourself:   i'd kill for one man, i'm jealous to the point of hatred, i overreact to literally everything, i can't socialize, you want me to go on? this quiz is pretty different to others, right?   lmao you ruined it cats or dogs?   while i personally find felines to be more interesting as animals, i prefer dogs as pets. are you hungry right now?   no.  my appetite pill is actually working. what do you think of couples who have entire albums just for them, with pictures of them just randomly at home, doing nothing that really requires a photo?   lmao i was one of those people, i love it!  document your story!  it's beautiful! can you work the washing machine?   ... no.  embarrassing, right.  idk what settings to put it on. do you like your photo being taken?   NO.  other people don't know how to flatter my face. do you like taking photos of yourself?   i mean, i'm a photographer, so every now and again. next gig you're going to?   who knows?  i'd like to go to the carolina rebellion this year, BADLY, but money is such an issue in my family. favorite color?   maroon, baby. when do you plan on moving out?   when i'm with a significant other.  i used to believe i could live on my own in an apartment or something, but no.  depression would consume me entirely. is there someone in your life you wish you never met?   of course there is.  jabari, who tried raping my sister right in front of me, for one.  dustin, ashley's ex, who did nothing but break her heart and abuse her.  there are more.  i personally don't believe everyone comes into one's life for a reason. who/what is your favorite cartoon character?   i don't really know.  i like garfield.  and courage the cowardly dog. what do you think of your mother?   she's very supportive, loving, funny, rational, and serves as my rock.  i'd be lost as fuck if i didn't have my mom.  just sometimes, she thinks she knows more than she does about me. your father?   i love him so much and i live in constant regret about hating him for so many years.  i wish i'd burned that letter i wrote him in opposition of actually sending that shit, because i wonder all the time if he still thinks about what i told him.  he'd do anything for me, and i hope i can repay him for that one day. your siblings (if there are any)?   tiffany: i don't know you, but i wish i did.  misty: you're great, and i miss you.  katie: you confuse me, but i still love you and hope you're okay.  bobby: hey now, you're an all-star.  seeing you with christian lights up my whole world.  i hope i'm half the parent you are some day.  ashley: we're too much alike in an odd way.  you've been through so much, yet you've come so far as a person.  i mean jesus christ, you're a radiologist!  and to know you were once suicidal, that's so inspirational to me.  you have a husband who loves you, even after, like me, believing you could never love another.  you have two beautiful children who love you so much, but i wonder if they can ever love you like i do.  nicole: i worry about you.  you need to leave that damn boy, he's not good enough for you, and he is going to drag you down.  you're too big and bold a person to be chained.  i worry about your happiness quotient as long as he's around, but regardless, i know you're going to go pretty damn far. how many hours do you spend online a day?   i don't really know, but i can't say i care too much.  i don't get why people treat the internet like it's so horrible.  like, let's think about it.  most people, when they have nothing better to do, what do they do?  they watch television.  i sit on the computer instead.  at least i'm engaging my brain. explain your current feelings for your last ex bf/gf:   i'm entirely aware i'm more than in love with him, i'm obsessed with him.  you ain't truly been in love until it gets that far, hunny. how do you feel about teen relationships?   they're fine?  they can lead to a forever relationship. who’s room of the opposite sex were you in last? when?   uhhh.  my dad's and his wife's when i was passing through to go take a shower. what are your views on homosexuals in general?   they're just as human as a heterosexual, if not more open-minded as half the heterosexual populace has issue with them. do you and any of your friends have a "song?"   ha ha ha, yeah.  colleen and i say our "song" is that country piece called "friends" by ummm... blake shelton, i think?  it's such a cutesy song, and when she first showed it to me, she said it made her think of us.  i hate country, yet i still jam out with her every time we hear it. (: which is more important to you - friends or family?   family.  who says some friends can't be family? which is worse - smoking, drinking, or drugs?   drugs.  easily.  allow me to also clarify, alcohol is a drug, so drinking is pretty equal?  nicotine is a drug too, right? is there one person you would seriously kill if you could get away with it?   um.  only if i wouldn't feel guilty.  which i would. what is the last scary movie that actually scared you?   the only scary movie to ever scare me is "the rite."  only because it played with an irrational fear of mine: being impregnated by satan or a demon in general.  i'm afraid of pregnancy period, but the idea of it being the devil's child and it ripping out of your fucking stomach like can you not what are you listening to?   "gospel" by panic! at the disco.  i love his voice in this song so fucking much.  them high notes in the chorus, tho. what is something you and your significant other do that may seem weird to others?   i'm single. how long have you liked the person you like right now?   five years how many shots can you take?   i've never taken a shot before, and truly, i don't really want to.  i mean i'm sure i will at some point, i just don't have the desire to because i hate the taste of alcohol, and shots are so concentrated. what's a fact about the last person you kissed?   he just turned 23. do you think you're old?   no, shame i feel it, though. are you a jealous person?   in general?  actually, no.  i only get jealous when it comes to jason. when is the next time you will kiss someone?   you tell me. has anybody ever accused you of doing drugs?   i don't think so. do you have a passion for anything?   meerkats!!  photography!!  silent hill and gaming in general!!  rhett and link/gmm!!  heavy metal!! are you a romantic person?   i honestly think i am. what do you think of when i say "lumberjack?"   lmao omg the first thing that came to mind was rhett singing and dancing to the song he made up on the high-heeled lumberjack challenge on gmm. how many children do you want?   one-three.  one if childbirth/pregnancy was way too much, two is most likely, three is a big maybe. do you like mexican food?   nope. do you have a favorite author?   not really. do you have an ex who still talks to you? do they want to be with you again?   if juan even counts, yeah, we talk like what, less than even once a month.  he's made it apparent he wants to be with me again, but pretty sure he's a player, so. do your legs get really itchy after shaving them?   christ, yeah.  my left leg got so itchy once after shaving that i have a large scar going up my shin from scratching it so badly.  even putting lotion on didn't help. do you wear a ring on your finger?   yeah, a ruby/garnet/whatever ring on my right ring finger.  i just put it on permanently the other day.  i got it for christmas. have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?   it is pierced.  i've thought of taking it out in favor of getting the septum pierced though, but i changed my mind. have you kissed anyone with a tattoo before?   no, but a guy with a tattoo has kissed me. which berry is your favorite?   strawberries, definitely. have you ever tried to learn a foreign language?   i took four semesters of german. would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?   lake. do you love seeing frost hanging off leaves in the winter?   omg yaaass would you ever like to own a chandelier?   hell yeah.  i'm big on those creepy octopus chandeliers. when is the last time you went to a carnival?   oh fuck me.  last time i went to a carnival/festival one night was over a year ago with jason and dillon.  i went on a ride i was terrified of (jason was a bit iffy too; he doesn't like heights), and dillon made a self-mutilation joke that nearly ruined the whole night. how many notebooks do you own? are they all filled?   oh jeez.  LOADS.  i have a drawer filled with 'em... i wanna throw them out though.  really old, embarrassing writings. have you ever lived on a university campus?   no. what’s your favorite alcoholic beverage?   mike's hard, i guess.  not like i've tried many. when was the last time you saw a photo of your ex?   long-ish time ago.  i have a picture from our prom beside my bed, but it's buried beneath papers.  so probably the last time i checked his facebook months ago. do you “binge-watch” tv shows?   haven't done that since "sherlock" with jason. do you play any games on your phone?   not anymore.  i had pokemon go, but i had to get rid of it after i ran out of room on my phone, despite having deleted every other app but pinterest and my period tracker.  not like it's really a fun game for rural players, anyway.  you never have pokeballs because pokestops don't exist. have you ever shaved your face?   no.  i mean i've waxed my eyebrows and lip and plucked stray hairs on my chin, but never shaved it. what was the last vaccination you got?   no idea.  probably for an std, y'know, those shots you get as a teenager. how long does it usually take you to get over a break up?   lmao been a year and a handfull of months, still not over it. do you get motion sickness?   nope. do you often forget what you were just about to say?   always.  makes me feel stupid. how many blue-eyed people have you kissed?   none. do you have a friend named holly?   i knew a holly in elementary school, but she was never my friend. what are your parents' middle names?   marie and john. does frequent use of swear words offend or upset you?   not at all, because i don't believe in our definition of "profanity."  who honestly gives a valid fuck about whether a word is "bad" or not.  what makes a word "bad," anyway?  however, i do believe in harmful words that i don't like hearing.  like, calling someone a bitch, to me, is just as bad as calling someone a mean person.  because they mean the same thing.  what makes "bitch" worse?  also, i hate derogatory terms to certain groups, like "the 'n' word" for black people.  otherwise, "swear" all you want, i really don't care. when/where did you meet your first love?   well, to be technical, facebook.  i thought he was a jason i did know, so i accepted his friend request.  thank god i did.  he wanted to be my friend to begin with because he saw me in the hallway at school and, according to him, he thought immediately, "that girl's going to save me."  he remembers exactly what I was wearing, everything.  how he found my facebook, i guess i should probably wonder, lol.  it's so funny, how he claims i was going to save him.  and now i'm the one who needs him.  funny shit. how many facebook friends do you have?   uhhhh 126, i think? which one of your relatives are you most likely to argue/disagree with?   MY GRANDMA HOLY FUCK have your parents met the person you're currently interested in?   yes, they have. who was your first major crush?   i'm not entirely sure.  maybe this kid named dylan? do you still talk to that person?   haven't in well over a decade.  lmao wait, did i ever even talk to him?  i just thought he was super cute. is there anything you need to do, that you're trying to avoid doing?   yeah.  i hate late homework. do you have any drinking cups with disney characters on them?   we haven't for years.  well, wait.  we may still have some. will you be moving anytime soon?   probably.  we were supposed to get evicted because mom can't afford the rent, yet we're still here.  but our landlord won't be merciful forever; mom still can't pay for it. have you ever written a book? perhaps you are writing one right now?   never finished any... oh yeah!  but one from when i was younger. favorite flavored milk shake?   vanilla do you or your best friend play in a band?   nah. can two living souls become one?   figuratively, sure, literally, no. last song you listened to and what does it mean to you?   i'm listening to "ready to go" by panic! at the disco.  first time listening to it; i'm on a panic! streak.  it just started, so no opinion yet. have you seen the entire harry potter series?   no.  jason and i watched a couple of the movies, but i could never get into it. have you ever been put to sleep for surgery?   i actually don't know.  i had tubes put in my ears as a baby, but i don't remember it at all. have you ever had a pregnancy scare?   okay this is funny.  despite never having sex, my anxiety made me believe by some miracle dry-humping had gotten me pregnant because i missed my period.  like i was so panicked i was even talking about it with jason.  god bless that man, i can only IMAGINE what he must've thought. when was the last time you went bowling?   some months ago with colleen, bradley, and girt. are you expected to help fix thanksgiving dinner?   no. have you ever lost anyone close to cancer?   no, thank god. do you personally know anyone who is transgender?   i don't think so. what’s your favorite flavor of potato chip?   original is the shit. what’s your favorite type of juice?   i really like mango. what was the hardest language you’ve ever tried to learn?   dude, fuck latin. do you know anyone named amity?   no, but that's a cool name! what do you think of people who always wear make-up?   i really try not to have an opinion because that's really not my business at all, but i can't help but feel a bit sad.  like... i dunno, i just think you should be more comfortable with your own skin instead of always feeling like you've gotta cover it.  my older sister was like that for years, and it always made me sad, because she's so beautiful.  she wouldn't go out without it or take pictures if she didn't have some on. is there a smell that gives you headaches?   gasoline. what’s your least favorite thing about summer?   everything?  can i say everything??? have you ever wanted to vlog?   not really.  i lead a boring life and i am WAY too shy and awkward. do you have any of the guitar heroes/rock bands?   plenty.  original, ac/dc, metallica, green day, van halen, greatest hits, and i'm positive i'm missing some. have you ever worn flip flops in the snow?   lmao yes. do you ever wonder what your ex or most recent “thing” is up to?   of course i do. have you ever moved to a different state?   nope.  been in nc my whole life. have you ever been to germany?   no, but i'd REALLY like to go! what decade do you think is the best musically?   hm.  '80s. have you ever written poetry or fiction?   yup.  some cringy stuff lmao. have you ever lived with your girlfriend/boyfriend?   yes.  we lived with another couple, who were our friends. how do you feel about your relationship status?   it's boring and lonely. how many relationships have you been in?   one legitimate one.  one puppy-love.  one misunderstanding that lasted less than a day. what’s something you do that really frustrates people who are closest to you?   i can be VERY passive and submissive.  like, ask me what i wanna do?  "i don't care."  wanna do this, brittany?  "if you want to."  is this fine for dinner, brittany?  "sure, if you feel like making it."  colleen HATES this about me. do you care what people think?   sometimes.  sometimes not at all.  sometimes way too much. is there anyone in your life that knows right away something’s wrong with you?   not anymore.  jason was like that.  it was supernatural. do you like the color yellow?   no, actually. what was your favorite game when you were a child?   the spyro games. when was the last time you had blood drawn?   last time i was at the er for mental reasons.  they always take your blood to ensure you're not on drugs. have you ever hated someone but felt pity for them at the same time?   honestly?  no. what eyeshadow color suits you best?   black, baby. in regards to kissing, full on making-out or will a peck suffice?   depends on where we are and how passionate we're feeling. are you a ke$ha fan?   no. how short is too short for shorts/skirts?   please at least keep your full ass covered. have you even swam in a lake? did you freak out about the germs, afterwards?   i have, and not particularly. have you ever snuck-out to see a guy?   nope. does your cell-phone take decent pictures?   NO.  i actually still have my old phone just to take my selfies lmao. have you ever sexted?   it's my biggest regret. have you ever posed topless with a friend?   i have not. do you shed hair everywhere you go?   ha ha yeah. where do you part your hair?   to the far left do you talk with your hands?   absolutely.  jason used to make fun of me for it, then he started to do it. do guy's adams apple's gross you out?   no. lil' wayne, hopsin, kanye west, or kid cudi?   i don't particularly like any of them, but there is a song by hopsin that makes me laugh. have you ever questioned your mental health?   i'm not questioning it, i've accepted it. when you go to the beach, are you swimming, tanning, playing, or searching for shells?   swimming and looking for shells! do you wash your hair every day?   no, that's bad for you. do you have long eyelashes?   my old english teacher stopped class just to point out they were once lmao.

[thatswhatshername]

... Things not to say.

I'm not allowed to be lonely or depressed but it's ok for you to say that this relationship not only makes you lonely but also suicidal? Wow. That emotional blackmail shit is real af. Maybe that's why you always think I'm trying to make you responsible for my feelings- because that's what you do. With you interior motives and shit. But I'm supposed to sit compliantly and continuously give you the benefit of the doubt. Sick.

What I'm hearing you say is that you cannot or will not be there for me unless it is convenient for you. That is fine. I will handle myself accordingly.

-being there for someone is based when the needs of that someone...not your convenience.

-I shouldn't be laying next to you wanting to die and not be able to approach you for comfort.

-stop telling me that people told you not to be with me. Stop telling me that people don't think you should be with me. Why would you be telling me this? It just makes you look like a bitch ass nigga.

-you say that you can handle things but...you never ever do.

-how will we survive as a union if we can't actually deal with each other.

-stop telling me that I'm not logical...you're literally the least logical person I know so you couldn't possibly tell one way or the other.

-I honestly think you're a piece of shitty work. And yea, you're also stupid. But those goals and values give me reason to believe that this is worth the work... even though I've never witnessed you actually meet a goal......or stand by your values....... so I guess I'm working off hope and good will and benefit of the doubt..... Little do you know...smh.

-I've never yelled like this in my entire life... you've pushed me to a lower point than I've ever been... and you want an apology for my yelling and storming off...

-you get up to go sleep on the couch.........wow.

-the pain and stress of this relationship is sucking up all the energy I use to survive... this relationship is going to kill me... and because I don't want to live, it looks like I'm going to let it...

You literally can't function without an apology for whatever hurt you feelings even if it wasn't wrong. But you never apologize for your wrongdoings or the hurt you cause. I don't understand how you can be so destructive and so stubbornly holding grudges at the same time. These are terrible characteristics. I hope you recognize them and grow out of them soon.

Ok so... is it that you're only super busy and eating with a lot when I'm not around? Because if I hadn't had to leave yesterday, I'd still be there and all last week when I was there, you didn't have shit to do or deal with.. so..... are you like...ignoring your entire life and responsibilities when I'm around or do you instantly pick up a ton of shit to do as soon as I leave your side? Because it sounds like you're bull shitting me or just flat out lying.

-how could you possibly tell me what's difficult for me?? You literally can't know that information. There is literally no mechanism for measuring such a thing- or at least not available to the public. So.....just stop. Stop trying to force me to do shit based on your idea of how doable it is for you. I am not you.

-wow...you can't compromise on getting what you want. You have to eat what you want exactly the way you want it despite it not existing at all until I offer it... I honestly think you're only making this demand because you know that I'm uncomfortable giving this information in the current moment. I gave you several different ways that you can receive this information but you shut down anything I say because you want it now and exactly the way you want it..... It has nothing to do with you caring about the situation or caring about me. And this whole reasoning based on wanting to know for the sake of deciding whether you want to deal with a person who's been through whatever experiences or if you want to deal with possibly having children with mental health issues is complete bull shit. Honestly, if this was about anything other than your ego and you wanting me to just do whatever the fuck you tell me to do, you could've easily gotten what you wanted by now. Logically, it has nothing to do with getting the information. If the information was most important to you, you would've done what you had to do to get it. But because it wasn't, you didn't. Instead, you stuck to your ultimatum. You stuck to getting what you asked for- what you demanded. Because getting what you ask for is more important to you than anything else. And that's honestly sickening as fuck. So fuck you. If you wanna leave, fuck you. Fine. Leave. As often as you tell me to leave, it makes sense that that's what you really want. When you say that this isn't the place for me, if you care o much about me, I would hope that you wouldn't stay in a situation that you believe is causing me harm. If I sincerely thought that I was causing you harm, I would leave you alone. But you don't want to be the first to leave. Just like you don't want to be the first to apologize. You can never be the bigger person. Smh. Little bitch nigga.

It's so disappointing to know that you are almost never willing to be the bigger person. You're almost never willing to go the extra mile. You're almost never willing to stand up and the man. You just whine about people not treating you as such- not respecting you, not treating you like an authority or not treating you like you're above in some way. But the thing is, you're not. You're small. You're a small person. There's no reason for anyone to look up to you or give you any more respect than any other living thing. There's no reason to honor you. There's nothing about you and nothing you've done that makes me or anyone else see you as any type of leader or boss or authority on anything. And when I ask you to be the one to step up and be something, you throw a fit because it's not your "responsibility" to take initiative... 💀💀💀 And you're so offended and that's such bs that you put a pillow between us... wow. That's some bitch ass shit. It's a reoccurring issue that you're just a little bitch.

Again........being a little bitch.

1. Don't tell me about anyone throwing shade at me in your presence. Especially when you don't have the capacity to check they ass. I've already asked you not to share shit like that with me. Now, it is a command. Do not tell me shit about people talking shit about me to you or in your presence.

2. Why is it that every time I have an issue with something you do, you flip it around and make the conversation about you and some issue you have with me??? Stop with the comparisons.

-damn...ugh. Hours and hours later and you're still whining and being a little bitch?? This is not helping your case. Little bitch ass bitch. Lordy. Exhausting. Smh.

-you send me into violent whirlwinds of depression. I've never experienced crashes like this throughout my life before you. I'm honestly afraid to continue this situation. What if it literally kills me? I don't want to risk giving you that guilt. I don't want to risk people blaming you and attack you for it. I don't want you to fall apart and kill yourself too. So...really, it might be better to just not be together. I cause you constant grief. You cause me constant grief. We're doing each other more harm than good.

You feel disrespected and unappreciated... I'm convinced that I am too big for you. I understand that I am a lot of things. But I think on all that I am and consider the thoughts and feelings of everyone I come in contact with on the daily basis and I am confident that I am not what you say I am. I don't morph into a terrible person when I'm dealing with you and then go back to being myself when you're not around. You have certain sensitivities that I might not be able to cater to. And because of the way you handle things, I don't have the desire to figure out how to cater to your sensitivities. Your juvenile behavior only adds to the sentiment of you being a small minded and weak willed person. I don't know how I could survive a marriage with you.

-it's getting to the point where.. this relationship just isn't worth it. Especially in terms of marriage? Why are you marrying me? Do you feel like you have to? Do you still feel pressured from these unspoken things that you get from my vibes or whatever? I know that you want to be married..... but I don't want you to marry me at the cost of us being miserable. Don't marry me if I make you miserable. And if I don't make you miserable, stop acting like I do.

-the fact that me asking for one thing led to all of this. Why can't you just stop telling me when people have negative sentiments toward me. That's all I'm asking for. But because that means you didn't handle it enough for me, I don't appreciate you. Because I didn't let you end a conversation by hanging up in my face, I'm disrespectful. Because you're upset, I mistreat you. Honestly...it's laughable. You're a joke. You're absolutely ridiculous. Extremely inconsistent. Completely illogical. And quite frankly, a large portion of what you do and say in response to things you dislike are unreasonable and unprogressive. I don't even know how I tolerate you. And to think, I'm constantly looking back and checking myself and taking responsibility for things and making compromises and changes to myself to appear you. Not that I'm doing things that make me better or help me to grow, just things that appear you for a moment in time until you change again and then I have to change for you again. But me? I'm actually making a better life for you. Making you better for you. You will never be worse than you were when you met me. I upgrade you're entire character but you see that as a bad thing. Like oh, you changed because of me and oh, your life changed because of me. Hm, yes. You're right. Cleaner, healthier, more mindful, less socially inept... seems like I'm helping you be a good human. But no. Because you were happy enough before... lol. Because ignorance is bliss, the good I bring to your life is considered bad. I'm shamed and scolded for these things. Lol. Fuck you. Fuck you and your idiot ass. Bitch ass idiot ass nigga. You idiot. Your aunt Leslie was trying to tell you not to fuck this up. She saw the gold in me. But you flat out tell me to my face that I am not golden and that you will never see me as such and you refuse to think highly of me?? Ohhh sweetheart...... I wish I could save you from yourself. You're going to lose me and realize that there is nothing and no one better. Now, I might lose you and realize that there is no one big enough for me but there are definitely men who are better than you. My being alone is better than you. So the comparisons will never go in your favor. I'm trying me best not to give you what you deserve but you make it so hard.. You know for a fact that I am naturally giving and helpful and that I constantly build people up and provide for people and lift people's spirits in a million different ways. But you fight me on that. You want to feel special so none of those things are of value to you unless no one else is receiving that care and kindness. Do you know how childish and idiotic and selfish you sound? Grow up. Just do it. Do it now. Because you're too old for this bs. I know that you're only a year older than I am but even I'm old enough to check myself. You talk about being wise but true wisdom would be for you to take charge of your character and develop the skills to handle most situations with grace as opposed to throwing a tantrum and telling your soon to be wife that she's not allowed in the space you've previously decided to share just because you're upset. Lol. Get your panties out of your ass. Stand up straight. And get your fucking life. Smh. So ridiculous.

-you want to be treated like this.....man. Like a MAN. But you ain't no man! You are a boy. You can't even stand for anything like a man. You are a boy. Stop acting like a baby boy and then being angry and throwing tantrums when people don't meet your expectations of being treated like a man... slap yourself. Lol.

You don't want me to seem like I need you or need anything but the basics- otherwise there's too much pressure on you. But you want to see my appreciation of you at every move you make. It's clear that thank you's, cooking and cleaning, shoulder rubs, groceries, and gas money aren't enough to make you feel appreciated. So...what exactly are you looking for? Just compliance, right? Getting what you want when you want it is the key to happiness for you. Compliance and control. Power. Power seems to be your issue here. And I don't know how to help you with that. Your power is over yourself. You will never have power over me. Especially as long as you're so hungry for it.

Me giving you my time and attention equals me taking up your time and attention. Me giving you things equals me not appreciating you or looking down on what you have yourself. Me being great equals me considering myself greater than you. Am I getting these things right? *sighs* You're honestly just proving to me that you're a nut job. That you're an emotional wreck and a manipulative sicko. I'm never going to try to prove myself to you because I am already committed to my work and my growth and my greatness. You need to learn to do the same for yourself and take responsibility for that shit because it's not for me- it's for your very own soul. Save yourself. Don't play yourself.

You specifically said that you didn't love me before. And now, you've said that I will never be golden to you. You're actually abusive and I understand that you attack whenever you're hurt or aggravated or frustrated...but...that doesn't make it ok. And it's taking longer than I'd hoped to forgive you for all of the things you purposely say and do in an effort to hurt me or bring me down. I know that you're sick and I want to help you but I can't help you if you're constantly trying to break me. I'm not saying that I don't believe you love me... but I think that you're mental and emotional health problems keep you from being able to love me or receive love from me. It's making you a danger to me.

-your perception is so fucked. You only see terrible things. Anything can set you off. Literally anything can be a trigger for you. I don't know how to care for you or give you peace in your heart or help you manage your emotions. You're so manipulative and abusive with this emotional blackmail shit...always playing the victim. You put every flaw you have on me as if I have it too or caused it for you. And these games you play... trying to be everything you hate about me...as if that proves anything besides the fact that you're a terrible sick person. You're making this so hard. Trying to test me. Trying to make me prove something to you. Setting up obstacles to see if I'll jump through fire for you. And I would. But what if I just can't jump very high? What if I jump a million times and never make it through? Maybe I'm just not the person you need or want.

-are you trying to make me leave? Are you trying to break me? Are you trying to push me away? Are you trying to make me give up? Are you trying to show me that I shouldn't want to be here because you don't want to be here? If you're done...just.....leave. It's ok. I don't want to hate you. You don't have to make it as terrible as possible to make it ok. It's ok to leave if you just don't want to be here. Don't torture me. You can't make me leave. I wish you'd stop trying.

You went from passive aggressive to aggressive and controlling. You've made it clear what you're looking for. You've proven yourself to be exactly what I think you are. If this is truly your reality, I will retrieve my things and remove myself from your life. Fine. Embarrassing. But it's fine.

I'm working really hard to learn how to deal with you. So far, you're a paranoid pessimist, passive-aggressive, complainer, blame-placer, and manic depressive person. I don't know if I have what it takes to help you. I'm exhausted and I still have my own issues to deal with at the end of the day. I wish you were open enough to help me help you.

This is honestly the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. You're feeling like you're working through your issues alone... You are. That's what you said you needed. And I can't easily defy your senseless wishes when I have no car or money. So...? Ok. You need food and love. No car or money = no food.. but, what does love look like to you? Besides bending to your every request and/or demand? I understand that you're going through a lot right now...but I still don't know when to take your words at face value and when to ignore you, keep the routine up, and let the storm pass. I don't know how to give you opposing things. I can't do the wishy washy flip flop with you. I can't change my lifestyle every day to match a new set of rules/needs/wants based on your mood. I love you but you're way isn't working.

---3.22.17

I know that as your partner, you want (and in most cases should have) access to me no matter what. I know that. The few cases where I believe that you aren't entitled to that access is when you are purposely causing harm. I do believe that there are different effects of actions based on the intentions behind them. Intentional harm is more severe than unintentional/accidental harm. It's true in life just as it is in the law.

You have come to some conclusions about me that lead you to be intentionally harmful to me whether it's in an effort to get your way or get your point across or get me to do something-behave a certain way... and... it's just not working. I'm not an animal that you can train by shocks or pops on the nose or sprays of water. Harming me does not change my behavior. I'm human. Knowledge changes my thinking- therefore changing my behavior and my approach on things.

For example, you're being insensitive and inconsiderate of my feelings and depression. Saying that I use my mental illness as a crutch. Not knowing that I worked through my feelings and illness for over 10 years before I was even willing to admit that I even felt that pain or needed help at all. So now that I'm finally at a point in my life where I am willing to speak about it and willing to get help, it infuriates me when people treat me as if I'm just weak. Or as if I am just lazy and not taking responsibility for my own wellness. I am. One of the first things they told me to do was to reach out to loved ones/supportive people.

I recognize that loved ones may not always count as supportive people and that all supportive people may not be loved ones. So I can accept that you can be one and without being the other- and I'm not trying to force you to be both. Just understand that if you aren't fighting with me, I can't be concerned with how you're affected as a bystander. Whether you're being caught between blows by me against the illness or by blows directly from the illness itself. If the fight is not your problem, the effects the fight has on you are not my problem. My wellness is more important to me. I don't have a choice.

You probably think I'm being stubborn. -that I'm stubbornly not apologizing for my actions at the cost of me getting what I want (contact with you). But in actuality, I don't regret my actions. I regret having a negative affect on you. And I don't want to be in contact with you until I feel like you're less harmful to me- and I don't feel that way yet. I still feel like you're trying to train me as if I'm some type of subordinate to you.

Using all sorts of things as tools of manipulation, makes me more and more uncomfortable complying with your demands. You thinking that making the situation more extreme will force me to comply, is incorrect. It will leave you and I both at a loss. Your need for control is scary to me. You will never be in control of me. That is not what marriage is. You trying to manipulate me with extreme measures and ultimatums is unacceptable. I will not comply based on anything but my own will and my own desire to please you- not your desire to be pleased.

So...if you actually want to talk to me, you're stubbornness in holding out until you get the specific apology you gave an ultimatum for is stopping you from getting what you want. Both the apology as well as contact.

4.27.17

You called me baby for the first time. We're a strong 2 weeks out of our mental emotional episodes and all is well. I think that understanding the sickness and troubles we have individually is finally giving us an opportunity to support each other and giving/receiving that support is doing us a lot of good. I love you. I hope that we can do everything we need to do to make this work.

4.29.17

I realize that it's probably because of the disorder but I can't deal with the blowing things out of proportion. I'm not allowed to have any issue- definitely not allowed to ask you to solve any issue -because it's just flipped back on me as if I'm ruining your entire life. Extremes. All or nothing. I honestly don't even know who you would be without these behaviors.. but I sure af hope I find out...very soon.

-I'm sorry that I can't live with the cat. I wish I could deal with it. I with I didn't notice so many small details. I wish I had another solution to offer. But I don't. I've been having an issue since before February... nothing has changed and nothing has gotten any better. No solutions have been put into play. No amount of wiping or vacuuming has worked. I understand that you need a calm outlet. I'm looking for other things to help you with that. But I can't feel this disgusting in a place I have to come back to every single day. I can't avoid or throw out food constantly or just eat cat hair. I know that my feelings are extreme to you, maybe I have OCD too. But I've tried to just deal with it, I've tried to hold my tongue, grit and bear it.. I bought a fucking vacuum.. it's just too much. I understand that the cat is young and it'll shed less at some point.. But I need a solution to make this space livable in two months- 63 days to be exact. I can't live like this. I can't even chill temporarily like this. I can barely sit on the couch.. I'm uncomfortable in the bed.. being naked.. my shower towel.. eating anything... I'm sorry but I just can't deal. I've been trying since I first got in here.. I can't even re-wear my clothes if I sit in the wrong place in here... I mean...? I'm sorry. I just can't.

-💀you just shaved your whole face out of frustration? 😂😂😂 you look like your dad...who looks like a pedophile murderer creep... so I'm laughing.......but not really...

I can't stand the drama. Constant drama.

4.30.17

-unsent text"I need you to care. I need you to care enough to help or at least try to help. But you don't. And you won't. You make it clear that you didn't choose to be here and that you barely want me around and that all your sacrifices/compromises aren't worth it- whatever it is. I would prefer to not just...be a burden and make your life hell and apparently change you're entire life for worse. I see that you think you shouldn't do anything because I apparently put us here all on my own. Apparently if I want to be with you I should put up with whatever there is to put up with and if I have complaints, I should just shove them because I chose to pursue this situation. Just FYI, I wasn't pursuing an intimate relationship. I wanted to be someone who you could count on and lean on because you seemed to feel like you were/are alone- not based on your own choice. Someone to care for you because you were/are clearly unwell and not taken care of. I just wanted to be there for you. You decided that you didn't want a friend. You decided to focus on marriage. You decided to be exclusive. You decided to prompt me to move in and be around. You wanted this and you chose this and there was no facade and you were not tricked. I am done."

5.10.17

I've really been trying. To be here and to be happy. I honestly feel hopeless. I feel like this will never be a good thing. I'm so unhappy. I'm so lonely even when you're around. I feel like I should be with almost anyone else. I feel like you can't be bothered with my feelings unless they're blatantly about leaving you. I can't live like this. July feels like a death sentence. I have to actively silence my thoughts to keep from praying to die. I would rather just not be here. I can't handle anything for you or anything about you. I don't want to be a stress, burden, trigger, or any type of negative for you. But since I am, I don't know why you want me here. I would rather just not. I'm so hurt. I'm so alone. I should've checked out by now. I can't live like this.

5.16.17

I should start documenting good times as well. Maybe I could use them to calm myself when times like these get overwhelming...like now. This battle with unhealthy ideals of fairness and equality and reciprocity... I can't deal. It seems like there are endless things that I can't deal with. It seems like I have too many boundaries, rules, standards...and I notice too many details. I make you uncomfortable. You feel like you can't have anything and you can't do anything... So, I feel like I'm holding you back from the freedom and joy you feel entitled to. So...what am I supposed to do? Since I'm the problem, I should change or leave, right? But if I change, you become the problem. So, what I'm hearing in all of this is that I should leave. What I'm hearing is that I am not the person for you. What I'm hearing is that I am not a good partner for you. And apparently you aren't really a good partner for me either. I'm honestly just so over this shit. I hope and pray for God to take me every fucking day. It's so exhausting. Fuck it.

5.17.17

Unsent: "So...you said you were ok... you said that you were over it... Then you start acting out on my phone like a little bitch. How does this make sense? Stfu talking to me nigga."

5.22.17

Stop walking into my realm full of gloom and resentment. Take a deep breath and drop that shit outside the door. I can't take that shit. I hate doing so much to make you happy and none of it counts or matters because it doesn't look like reciprocity or because you're salty about some stupid shit that you fucking caused. Fuck you. Keep wondering why I'm not sure. Need to start wondering if you need to look for a new fiancé.

You think I'm asleep but I'm actually just relaxing into a prayer that we get hit dead across by a semi truck.

You think you're little attitude and passive aggressive behaviors when you say you're ok is just aggravating to me but in reality, I'm trying my best not to jump out of the window or slit my throat or shatter everything in the apartment...across your head.

You think that these things are small. To you they're just little snags. And maybe they should be. But to me they aren't. To me they're strikes against us. And boy oh boy do we rack'em up. We have more bad days than good. I think that's a problem. I think that's reason to step the fuck out of this. I'd rather leave than slowly hate you deeper and deeper.

5.23.17

Oh, no kiss goodbye? Because you're still upset? Oh. Since you said that you were good and implied that I was the one trippin, I thought I'd believe you... but that's the type of thing you can't help but lie about, right? Every single time. "I'm gonna sleep soundly tonight".....bs. Not when you avoid touching me with every fiber of your soul... and not when you specifically don't do things that are normal to us and that I've asked you to do and that you like to do... out of spite and salty ass bitch ass having an attitude... I hope you know I'm a light sleeper. So I hear you bitching to yourself while you get ready in the morning.........bitching about some shit that you were supposed over or ok with or good about...

Just FYI, you're an idiot. I didn't use the cat as some excuse as to why I'm not doing anything. I don't need an excuse to not do some shit that's just for me... You're not getting rid of the cat for me to paint here. You're getting rid of the cat so that I can eat, sit, walk, and sleep in peace.. Quite frankly, I could've been painting somewhere else but you didn't want me to... Also, I didn't apologize for not accepting you're "ok" in place of yes. I apologized for telling you what to do...as opposed to asking or suggesting. If you answer "ok" to a yes or no question, it implies that your answer is not yes or no and that you might prefer something else. But instead of voicing that something else, you hold it in like a little bitch so that you can pout about it for the next 18 hours. My point is to be direct...so that you can stop doing that little bitch ass attitude shit because it's hard not to see you as a little bitch- it's hard to respect you as a grown, intelligent person when you're acting like a passive aggressive little bitch having a mini tantrum for a continuous 18 hours... I hope you have a nice day- even though you constantly go out of your way to ruin mine. 🖕🏾

6.17.17

I can't say goodnight? What, it was 30 minutes earlier than you falling asleep? Things like this are why I feel like trying to please you is hopeless. I'm literally in trouble for doing something kind. It's as if everything I do or say is just wrong. I can't do anything right. Walking on eggshells and still failing.

I don't what I'm supposed to do here.