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thatswhatshername · 7 years

Text

...Things not to say.

I don't what I'm supposed to do here.

Two things:

I care about you greatly. That's why I check on you and ask about your feelings all the time. I do not have an issue with you having negative feelings. My issue is the way you handle negative feelings with me- how you treat me when you have the slightest of negative any feeling.

Would you mind sitting down with a mediator?

6.22.17

You see me as "not taking this relationship seriously"... selfish, unappreciative, childish... I'm to blame for everything.. you're scolding me for everything...

6.30.17

Now that it's over... I do feel better... but I do miss you. I think that no matter how miserable I was, I still wanted it to be you. I still wanted it to work. I still want it to work. I still want it to be you. But...I know better. It's unhealthy and unlikely that we'd ever be happy.

8.23.17

The hope never goes away. But every time I look back to see where it came from, the pain gets in the way. I really wish it hadn't panned out this way. I still think we're perfect ideally and we just don't work well when we're together. It's as if we're each other's cryptonite. I don't know if we could possibly learn to not use that type of power with one another but.. I guess it doesn't matter at this point anyway.

I should've done something like this in the last days of November 2015. If I had, maybe you would've known that I was already satisfied. No pressure. No stress. You were good being you. I couldn't have possibly wanted anything else. I wanted you to be you. I didn't need you to try to be anything different. I didn't need you to agree with things that you didn't believe in. I didn't need you to go along with things or smother your own opinions. I wanted to know you as you. I never got used to the flip flops and wishy washy stuff...I never got to see you as you consistently... I can't even tell what's really you besides tacos, music, and solitude. But anyway, I'm doing a thing. This is #1. I hope it comes out ok.

#2 From the very beginning, you made it clear to the entire world how excited you were to have me and how dedicated you were to our future. Instead of just basking in our love, I should've showed the world my joy even bigger. I should've shown people more. Showing love for each other seems like one of the few things that would've been a good competition for us. I should've made it hard for people to question us. Making a practice of boosting each other up in the world and never tearing each other down. Showing everyone what it means to be on someone's team. Letting people know where our loyalties lie. Shining a light on home base. No room for insecurity or doubt. Even in times full of struggle and frustration, not letting a moment slip where you don't know how fiercely I love you.

#3 One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't make a huge deal of every little victory. Every good day, every resolution, every kiss goodnight should've been celebrated in the most grand of manner. These days I'm working on developing a thanksgiving mindset- an attitude of gratitude (not just for yummy things). Seeing the blessings in all things and scraping up the energy to celebrate them no matter what. I realize that for a lot of people, thank you's are just kind words- and more often than not, people say "thank you" out of politeness whether they're actually thankful or not. I should've made it clear that I genuinely appreciated every little thing... more than a smile and single tear drop. Kind words, a helping hand, time... Everything counts.

#4 Sometimes I can get lost in a sea of bad memories and bad feelings. But, I have too many good memories to just give up on things...or people. I'm certain that the good outweighs the bad in general. I won't pretend that I can see it that way all the time but... I do believe it. That's probably why I always search for the good parts in things and people and whatever's in between. I think my Muslims say to give people 70 excuses. Even if no wrongdoing was ever excused, I believe that the good outweighs the bad. Even if there are more bad things than good things, the good outweighs the bad. I think that the good things are heavier. I think that the good times are more meaningful and the bad times are mishaps. I think that there will come a time when every bad moment can be recognized, acknowledged, and left behind like a bump in the road. I know that sometimes a pothole can really cause some damage but, I believe that everything can be fixed. I think we've got the tools to fix whatever's broken. I mean sure, I do believe that everything will be fine regardless but... fixed or even upgraded is definitely attainable.

#5 I hope this doesn't seem crazy. When I think about my experiences throughout the last almost two years, it actually is crazy. I've never considered actually sharing my life with anyone else... only you. Sure, I've loved other people. I've never loved anyone enough to share my entire life with... only you. I guess letting people know that they're special was never my strong suit. I thought that since everyone is special in their own way for their own reasons to their own people, it should be enough to just give people their props in the moments when they earn them and that's it. Everyone should already know that they're special. But. Everyone should also be reminded to bathe in the collection of those special moments- the moments when they're appreciated and loved. I pinned this idea for a sort of love bucket where people would potentially collect special moments/loving thoughts/positive affirmations to be reminded of them later- to be showered with them- bathed in them if necessary. Sometimes it's necessary to cover our loved ones with the security of the love, admiration, and support that they can only get from us. Seems like common sense maybe. I should've known.

#6 One of the things I admire most about you is how much you love and respect the arts but, focus on doing what you have to do to take care of yourself and eventually, your family. Thinking ahead and preparing for the future is a big deal. It's not as much of a common practice as it should be. We take care of people in a lot of different ways. We support our people in a lot of different ways. We are different from one another in a lot of ways. Although it has proven to be hard, I'm not sure if it's hard to be or hard to see. I'm not sure if it's hard to be on the same page or hard to see that we've been on the same page all along. I think that people who are different, have a lot to learn from one another. I think that differences provide outlets, and balance and opportunities for growth. I never thought that either of us were flawless or infallible but I did think that we were perfect. The perfect balance of everything anyone could ever need or want...even if it all came with a few hiccups. I sincerely believe that it was all worth it. I'm not afraid of anything being a waste of time anymore. Each experience is worth something even if it never turns out to take me where I wanted to go.

#7 I realize that it's a little late... I think that over this time, a lot of things have changed. My belief in our potential for greatness and the goodness of our hearts aren't among the things that have changed. I don't think those things will ever change. Similar to active love, those beliefs are something I'm dedicated to. I love you. I loved you after phase 1. I loved you through chapter 2. I love you now. I don't think that could change even if I wanted it to. It doesn't have to be the same for you. I know that it hasn't always been the same for you. That's ok. I've never loved for the sake of making anyone love me. It's ok. You know that I practice love for everyone and everything in the creation. That'll never change. I do hope for the best regardless of what that is. I pray the best for you no matter what that is... because I love you. Same as always. And I guess all of this is because I want everyone to know that I mean it.

I'm not as much of an open book as I try to be. There's a long irrelevant prelude to each singular experience in my notes. It's a lot to read through. I'm aware. I thought that maybe a lifetime was long enough to eventually get through it.

9.23.17

Maybe sometimes I just need a reminder of how terrible you are. Maybe I need to hate you so that I'll stay away from you. You're right. You did just have two hours of your time wasted. But guess what, you did that. I literally had one simple question to ask you. But you decided to call. You decided to go on and one asking questions. You brought up the past. You asked me what else I had to say. You opened the floor for me to just vent on and on. So idgaf about your wasted time. You're a piece of shit. I hope you realize it one day. I hope you know that having depression and anxiety doesn't make me selfish. I hope you realize that I never put anything on you or asked you for this shit. I hope you realize that you did all of this shit to yourself. I hope you realize how stupid you are and feel terrible for wasting my time and energy on you throughout your complete bullshit. Lowkey I hope someone actually hurts you the way you've hurt me. I hope someone leaves a scar on you that cocoa butter can't heal. I hope you learn to take responsibility and stop blaming everyone else for your bullshit. I hope all of your trash comes full circle and is heavy as fuck when it sits back on you.

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thatswhatshername · 7 years

Text

... Things not to say.

I'm not allowed to be lonely or depressed but it's ok for you to say that this relationship not only makes you lonely but also suicidal? Wow. That emotional blackmail shit is real af. Maybe that's why you always think I'm trying to make you responsible for my feelings- because that's what you do. With you interior motives and shit. But I'm supposed to sit compliantly and continuously give you the benefit of the doubt. Sick.

What I'm hearing you say is that you cannot or will not be there for me unless it is convenient for you. That is fine. I will handle myself accordingly.

-being there for someone is based when the needs of that someone...not your convenience.

-I shouldn't be laying next to you wanting to die and not be able to approach you for comfort.

-stop telling me that people told you not to be with me. Stop telling me that people don't think you should be with me. Why would you be telling me this? It just makes you look like a bitch ass nigga.

-you say that you can handle things but...you never ever do.

-how will we survive as a union if we can't actually deal with each other.

-stop telling me that I'm not logical...you're literally the least logical person I know so you couldn't possibly tell one way or the other.

-I honestly think you're a piece of shitty work. And yea, you're also stupid. But those goals and values give me reason to believe that this is worth the work... even though I've never witnessed you actually meet a goal......or stand by your values....... so I guess I'm working off hope and good will and benefit of the doubt..... Little do you know...smh.

-I've never yelled like this in my entire life... you've pushed me to a lower point than I've ever been... and you want an apology for my yelling and storming off...

-you get up to go sleep on the couch.........wow.

-the pain and stress of this relationship is sucking up all the energy I use to survive... this relationship is going to kill me... and because I don't want to live, it looks like I'm going to let it...

You literally can't function without an apology for whatever hurt you feelings even if it wasn't wrong. But you never apologize for your wrongdoings or the hurt you cause. I don't understand how you can be so destructive and so stubbornly holding grudges at the same time. These are terrible characteristics. I hope you recognize them and grow out of them soon.

Ok so... is it that you're only super busy and eating with a lot when I'm not around? Because if I hadn't had to leave yesterday, I'd still be there and all last week when I was there, you didn't have shit to do or deal with.. so..... are you like...ignoring your entire life and responsibilities when I'm around or do you instantly pick up a ton of shit to do as soon as I leave your side? Because it sounds like you're bull shitting me or just flat out lying.

-how could you possibly tell me what's difficult for me?? You literally can't know that information. There is literally no mechanism for measuring such a thing- or at least not available to the public. So.....just stop. Stop trying to force me to do shit based on your idea of how doable it is for you. I am not you.

-wow...you can't compromise on getting what you want. You have to eat what you want exactly the way you want it despite it not existing at all until I offer it... I honestly think you're only making this demand because you know that I'm uncomfortable giving this information in the current moment. I gave you several different ways that you can receive this information but you shut down anything I say because you want it now and exactly the way you want it..... It has nothing to do with you caring about the situation or caring about me. And this whole reasoning based on wanting to know for the sake of deciding whether you want to deal with a person who's been through whatever experiences or if you want to deal with possibly having children with mental health issues is complete bull shit. Honestly, if this was about anything other than your ego and you wanting me to just do whatever the fuck you tell me to do, you could've easily gotten what you wanted by now. Logically, it has nothing to do with getting the information. If the information was most important to you, you would've done what you had to do to get it. But because it wasn't, you didn't. Instead, you stuck to your ultimatum. You stuck to getting what you asked for- what you demanded. Because getting what you ask for is more important to you than anything else. And that's honestly sickening as fuck. So fuck you. If you wanna leave, fuck you. Fine. Leave. As often as you tell me to leave, it makes sense that that's what you really want. When you say that this isn't the place for me, if you care o much about me, I would hope that you wouldn't stay in a situation that you believe is causing me harm. If I sincerely thought that I was causing you harm, I would leave you alone. But you don't want to be the first to leave. Just like you don't want to be the first to apologize. You can never be the bigger person. Smh. Little bitch nigga.

It's so disappointing to know that you are almost never willing to be the bigger person. You're almost never willing to go the extra mile. You're almost never willing to stand up and the man. You just whine about people not treating you as such- not respecting you, not treating you like an authority or not treating you like you're above in some way. But the thing is, you're not. You're small. You're a small person. There's no reason for anyone to look up to you or give you any more respect than any other living thing. There's no reason to honor you. There's nothing about you and nothing you've done that makes me or anyone else see you as any type of leader or boss or authority on anything. And when I ask you to be the one to step up and be something, you throw a fit because it's not your "responsibility" to take initiative... 💀💀💀 And you're so offended and that's such bs that you put a pillow between us... wow. That's some bitch ass shit. It's a reoccurring issue that you're just a little bitch.

Again........being a little bitch.

1. Don't tell me about anyone throwing shade at me in your presence. Especially when you don't have the capacity to check they ass. I've already asked you not to share shit like that with me. Now, it is a command. Do not tell me shit about people talking shit about me to you or in your presence.

2. Why is it that every time I have an issue with something you do, you flip it around and make the conversation about you and some issue you have with me??? Stop with the comparisons.

-damn...ugh. Hours and hours later and you're still whining and being a little bitch?? This is not helping your case. Little bitch ass bitch. Lordy. Exhausting. Smh.

-you send me into violent whirlwinds of depression. I've never experienced crashes like this throughout my life before you. I'm honestly afraid to continue this situation. What if it literally kills me? I don't want to risk giving you that guilt. I don't want to risk people blaming you and attack you for it. I don't want you to fall apart and kill yourself too. So...really, it might be better to just not be together. I cause you constant grief. You cause me constant grief. We're doing each other more harm than good.

You feel disrespected and unappreciated... I'm convinced that I am too big for you. I understand that I am a lot of things. But I think on all that I am and consider the thoughts and feelings of everyone I come in contact with on the daily basis and I am confident that I am not what you say I am. I don't morph into a terrible person when I'm dealing with you and then go back to being myself when you're not around. You have certain sensitivities that I might not be able to cater to. And because of the way you handle things, I don't have the desire to figure out how to cater to your sensitivities. Your juvenile behavior only adds to the sentiment of you being a small minded and weak willed person. I don't know how I could survive a marriage with you.

-it's getting to the point where.. this relationship just isn't worth it. Especially in terms of marriage? Why are you marrying me? Do you feel like you have to? Do you still feel pressured from these unspoken things that you get from my vibes or whatever? I know that you want to be married..... but I don't want you to marry me at the cost of us being miserable. Don't marry me if I make you miserable. And if I don't make you miserable, stop acting like I do.

-the fact that me asking for one thing led to all of this. Why can't you just stop telling me when people have negative sentiments toward me. That's all I'm asking for. But because that means you didn't handle it enough for me, I don't appreciate you. Because I didn't let you end a conversation by hanging up in my face, I'm disrespectful. Because you're upset, I mistreat you. Honestly...it's laughable. You're a joke. You're absolutely ridiculous. Extremely inconsistent. Completely illogical. And quite frankly, a large portion of what you do and say in response to things you dislike are unreasonable and unprogressive. I don't even know how I tolerate you. And to think, I'm constantly looking back and checking myself and taking responsibility for things and making compromises and changes to myself to appear you. Not that I'm doing things that make me better or help me to grow, just things that appear you for a moment in time until you change again and then I have to change for you again. But me? I'm actually making a better life for you. Making you better for you. You will never be worse than you were when you met me. I upgrade you're entire character but you see that as a bad thing. Like oh, you changed because of me and oh, your life changed because of me. Hm, yes. You're right. Cleaner, healthier, more mindful, less socially inept... seems like I'm helping you be a good human. But no. Because you were happy enough before... lol. Because ignorance is bliss, the good I bring to your life is considered bad. I'm shamed and scolded for these things. Lol. Fuck you. Fuck you and your idiot ass. Bitch ass idiot ass nigga. You idiot. Your aunt Leslie was trying to tell you not to fuck this up. She saw the gold in me. But you flat out tell me to my face that I am not golden and that you will never see me as such and you refuse to think highly of me?? Ohhh sweetheart...... I wish I could save you from yourself. You're going to lose me and realize that there is nothing and no one better. Now, I might lose you and realize that there is no one big enough for me but there are definitely men who are better than you. My being alone is better than you. So the comparisons will never go in your favor. I'm trying me best not to give you what you deserve but you make it so hard.. You know for a fact that I am naturally giving and helpful and that I constantly build people up and provide for people and lift people's spirits in a million different ways. But you fight me on that. You want to feel special so none of those things are of value to you unless no one else is receiving that care and kindness. Do you know how childish and idiotic and selfish you sound? Grow up. Just do it. Do it now. Because you're too old for this bs. I know that you're only a year older than I am but even I'm old enough to check myself. You talk about being wise but true wisdom would be for you to take charge of your character and develop the skills to handle most situations with grace as opposed to throwing a tantrum and telling your soon to be wife that she's not allowed in the space you've previously decided to share just because you're upset. Lol. Get your panties out of your ass. Stand up straight. And get your fucking life. Smh. So ridiculous.

-you want to be treated like this.....man. Like a MAN. But you ain't no man! You are a boy. You can't even stand for anything like a man. You are a boy. Stop acting like a baby boy and then being angry and throwing tantrums when people don't meet your expectations of being treated like a man... slap yourself. Lol.

You don't want me to seem like I need you or need anything but the basics- otherwise there's too much pressure on you. But you want to see my appreciation of you at every move you make. It's clear that thank you's, cooking and cleaning, shoulder rubs, groceries, and gas money aren't enough to make you feel appreciated. So...what exactly are you looking for? Just compliance, right? Getting what you want when you want it is the key to happiness for you. Compliance and control. Power. Power seems to be your issue here. And I don't know how to help you with that. Your power is over yourself. You will never have power over me. Especially as long as you're so hungry for it.

Me giving you my time and attention equals me taking up your time and attention. Me giving you things equals me not appreciating you or looking down on what you have yourself. Me being great equals me considering myself greater than you. Am I getting these things right? *sighs* You're honestly just proving to me that you're a nut job. That you're an emotional wreck and a manipulative sicko. I'm never going to try to prove myself to you because I am already committed to my work and my growth and my greatness. You need to learn to do the same for yourself and take responsibility for that shit because it's not for me- it's for your very own soul. Save yourself. Don't play yourself.

You specifically said that you didn't love me before. And now, you've said that I will never be golden to you. You're actually abusive and I understand that you attack whenever you're hurt or aggravated or frustrated...but...that doesn't make it ok. And it's taking longer than I'd hoped to forgive you for all of the things you purposely say and do in an effort to hurt me or bring me down. I know that you're sick and I want to help you but I can't help you if you're constantly trying to break me. I'm not saying that I don't believe you love me... but I think that you're mental and emotional health problems keep you from being able to love me or receive love from me. It's making you a danger to me.

-your perception is so fucked. You only see terrible things. Anything can set you off. Literally anything can be a trigger for you. I don't know how to care for you or give you peace in your heart or help you manage your emotions. You're so manipulative and abusive with this emotional blackmail shit...always playing the victim. You put every flaw you have on me as if I have it too or caused it for you. And these games you play... trying to be everything you hate about me...as if that proves anything besides the fact that you're a terrible sick person. You're making this so hard. Trying to test me. Trying to make me prove something to you. Setting up obstacles to see if I'll jump through fire for you. And I would. But what if I just can't jump very high? What if I jump a million times and never make it through? Maybe I'm just not the person you need or want.

-are you trying to make me leave? Are you trying to break me? Are you trying to push me away? Are you trying to make me give up? Are you trying to show me that I shouldn't want to be here because you don't want to be here? If you're done...just.....leave. It's ok. I don't want to hate you. You don't have to make it as terrible as possible to make it ok. It's ok to leave if you just don't want to be here. Don't torture me. You can't make me leave. I wish you'd stop trying.

You went from passive aggressive to aggressive and controlling. You've made it clear what you're looking for. You've proven yourself to be exactly what I think you are. If this is truly your reality, I will retrieve my things and remove myself from your life. Fine. Embarrassing. But it's fine.

I'm working really hard to learn how to deal with you. So far, you're a paranoid pessimist, passive-aggressive, complainer, blame-placer, and manic depressive person. I don't know if I have what it takes to help you. I'm exhausted and I still have my own issues to deal with at the end of the day. I wish you were open enough to help me help you.

This is honestly the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. You're feeling like you're working through your issues alone... You are. That's what you said you needed. And I can't easily defy your senseless wishes when I have no car or money. So...? Ok. You need food and love. No car or money = no food.. but, what does love look like to you? Besides bending to your every request and/or demand? I understand that you're going through a lot right now...but I still don't know when to take your words at face value and when to ignore you, keep the routine up, and let the storm pass. I don't know how to give you opposing things. I can't do the wishy washy flip flop with you. I can't change my lifestyle every day to match a new set of rules/needs/wants based on your mood. I love you but you're way isn't working.

---3.22.17

I know that as your partner, you want (and in most cases should have) access to me no matter what. I know that. The few cases where I believe that you aren't entitled to that access is when you are purposely causing harm. I do believe that there are different effects of actions based on the intentions behind them. Intentional harm is more severe than unintentional/accidental harm. It's true in life just as it is in the law.

You have come to some conclusions about me that lead you to be intentionally harmful to me whether it's in an effort to get your way or get your point across or get me to do something-behave a certain way... and... it's just not working. I'm not an animal that you can train by shocks or pops on the nose or sprays of water. Harming me does not change my behavior. I'm human. Knowledge changes my thinking- therefore changing my behavior and my approach on things.

For example, you're being insensitive and inconsiderate of my feelings and depression. Saying that I use my mental illness as a crutch. Not knowing that I worked through my feelings and illness for over 10 years before I was even willing to admit that I even felt that pain or needed help at all. So now that I'm finally at a point in my life where I am willing to speak about it and willing to get help, it infuriates me when people treat me as if I'm just weak. Or as if I am just lazy and not taking responsibility for my own wellness. I am. One of the first things they told me to do was to reach out to loved ones/supportive people.

I recognize that loved ones may not always count as supportive people and that all supportive people may not be loved ones. So I can accept that you can be one and without being the other- and I'm not trying to force you to be both. Just understand that if you aren't fighting with me, I can't be concerned with how you're affected as a bystander. Whether you're being caught between blows by me against the illness or by blows directly from the illness itself. If the fight is not your problem, the effects the fight has on you are not my problem. My wellness is more important to me. I don't have a choice.

You probably think I'm being stubborn. -that I'm stubbornly not apologizing for my actions at the cost of me getting what I want (contact with you). But in actuality, I don't regret my actions. I regret having a negative affect on you. And I don't want to be in contact with you until I feel like you're less harmful to me- and I don't feel that way yet. I still feel like you're trying to train me as if I'm some type of subordinate to you.

Using all sorts of things as tools of manipulation, makes me more and more uncomfortable complying with your demands. You thinking that making the situation more extreme will force me to comply, is incorrect. It will leave you and I both at a loss. Your need for control is scary to me. You will never be in control of me. That is not what marriage is. You trying to manipulate me with extreme measures and ultimatums is unacceptable. I will not comply based on anything but my own will and my own desire to please you- not your desire to be pleased.

So...if you actually want to talk to me, you're stubbornness in holding out until you get the specific apology you gave an ultimatum for is stopping you from getting what you want. Both the apology as well as contact.

4.27.17

You called me baby for the first time. We're a strong 2 weeks out of our mental emotional episodes and all is well. I think that understanding the sickness and troubles we have individually is finally giving us an opportunity to support each other and giving/receiving that support is doing us a lot of good. I love you. I hope that we can do everything we need to do to make this work.

4.29.17

I realize that it's probably because of the disorder but I can't deal with the blowing things out of proportion. I'm not allowed to have any issue- definitely not allowed to ask you to solve any issue -because it's just flipped back on me as if I'm ruining your entire life. Extremes. All or nothing. I honestly don't even know who you would be without these behaviors.. but I sure af hope I find out...very soon.

-I'm sorry that I can't live with the cat. I wish I could deal with it. I with I didn't notice so many small details. I wish I had another solution to offer. But I don't. I've been having an issue since before February... nothing has changed and nothing has gotten any better. No solutions have been put into play. No amount of wiping or vacuuming has worked. I understand that you need a calm outlet. I'm looking for other things to help you with that. But I can't feel this disgusting in a place I have to come back to every single day. I can't avoid or throw out food constantly or just eat cat hair. I know that my feelings are extreme to you, maybe I have OCD too. But I've tried to just deal with it, I've tried to hold my tongue, grit and bear it.. I bought a fucking vacuum.. it's just too much. I understand that the cat is young and it'll shed less at some point.. But I need a solution to make this space livable in two months- 63 days to be exact. I can't live like this. I can't even chill temporarily like this. I can barely sit on the couch.. I'm uncomfortable in the bed.. being naked.. my shower towel.. eating anything... I'm sorry but I just can't deal. I've been trying since I first got in here.. I can't even re-wear my clothes if I sit in the wrong place in here... I mean...? I'm sorry. I just can't.

-💀you just shaved your whole face out of frustration? 😂😂😂 you look like your dad...who looks like a pedophile murderer creep... so I'm laughing.......but not really...

I can't stand the drama. Constant drama.

4.30.17

-unsent text"I need you to care. I need you to care enough to help or at least try to help. But you don't. And you won't. You make it clear that you didn't choose to be here and that you barely want me around and that all your sacrifices/compromises aren't worth it- whatever it is. I would prefer to not just...be a burden and make your life hell and apparently change you're entire life for worse. I see that you think you shouldn't do anything because I apparently put us here all on my own. Apparently if I want to be with you I should put up with whatever there is to put up with and if I have complaints, I should just shove them because I chose to pursue this situation. Just FYI, I wasn't pursuing an intimate relationship. I wanted to be someone who you could count on and lean on because you seemed to feel like you were/are alone- not based on your own choice. Someone to care for you because you were/are clearly unwell and not taken care of. I just wanted to be there for you. You decided that you didn't want a friend. You decided to focus on marriage. You decided to be exclusive. You decided to prompt me to move in and be around. You wanted this and you chose this and there was no facade and you were not tricked. I am done."

5.10.17

I've really been trying. To be here and to be happy. I honestly feel hopeless. I feel like this will never be a good thing. I'm so unhappy. I'm so lonely even when you're around. I feel like I should be with almost anyone else. I feel like you can't be bothered with my feelings unless they're blatantly about leaving you. I can't live like this. July feels like a death sentence. I have to actively silence my thoughts to keep from praying to die. I would rather just not be here. I can't handle anything for you or anything about you. I don't want to be a stress, burden, trigger, or any type of negative for you. But since I am, I don't know why you want me here. I would rather just not. I'm so hurt. I'm so alone. I should've checked out by now. I can't live like this.

5.16.17

I should start documenting good times as well. Maybe I could use them to calm myself when times like these get overwhelming...like now. This battle with unhealthy ideals of fairness and equality and reciprocity... I can't deal. It seems like there are endless things that I can't deal with. It seems like I have too many boundaries, rules, standards...and I notice too many details. I make you uncomfortable. You feel like you can't have anything and you can't do anything... So, I feel like I'm holding you back from the freedom and joy you feel entitled to. So...what am I supposed to do? Since I'm the problem, I should change or leave, right? But if I change, you become the problem. So, what I'm hearing in all of this is that I should leave. What I'm hearing is that I am not the person for you. What I'm hearing is that I am not a good partner for you. And apparently you aren't really a good partner for me either. I'm honestly just so over this shit. I hope and pray for God to take me every fucking day. It's so exhausting. Fuck it.

5.17.17

Unsent: "So...you said you were ok... you said that you were over it... Then you start acting out on my phone like a little bitch. How does this make sense? Stfu talking to me nigga."

5.22.17

Stop walking into my realm full of gloom and resentment. Take a deep breath and drop that shit outside the door. I can't take that shit. I hate doing so much to make you happy and none of it counts or matters because it doesn't look like reciprocity or because you're salty about some stupid shit that you fucking caused. Fuck you. Keep wondering why I'm not sure. Need to start wondering if you need to look for a new fiancé.

You think I'm asleep but I'm actually just relaxing into a prayer that we get hit dead across by a semi truck.

You think you're little attitude and passive aggressive behaviors when you say you're ok is just aggravating to me but in reality, I'm trying my best not to jump out of the window or slit my throat or shatter everything in the apartment...across your head.

You think that these things are small. To you they're just little snags. And maybe they should be. But to me they aren't. To me they're strikes against us. And boy oh boy do we rack'em up. We have more bad days than good. I think that's a problem. I think that's reason to step the fuck out of this. I'd rather leave than slowly hate you deeper and deeper.

5.23.17

Oh, no kiss goodbye? Because you're still upset? Oh. Since you said that you were good and implied that I was the one trippin, I thought I'd believe you... but that's the type of thing you can't help but lie about, right? Every single time. "I'm gonna sleep soundly tonight".....bs. Not when you avoid touching me with every fiber of your soul... and not when you specifically don't do things that are normal to us and that I've asked you to do and that you like to do... out of spite and salty ass bitch ass having an attitude... I hope you know I'm a light sleeper. So I hear you bitching to yourself while you get ready in the morning.........bitching about some shit that you were supposed over or ok with or good about...

Just FYI, you're an idiot. I didn't use the cat as some excuse as to why I'm not doing anything. I don't need an excuse to not do some shit that's just for me... You're not getting rid of the cat for me to paint here. You're getting rid of the cat so that I can eat, sit, walk, and sleep in peace.. Quite frankly, I could've been painting somewhere else but you didn't want me to... Also, I didn't apologize for not accepting you're "ok" in place of yes. I apologized for telling you what to do...as opposed to asking or suggesting. If you answer "ok" to a yes or no question, it implies that your answer is not yes or no and that you might prefer something else. But instead of voicing that something else, you hold it in like a little bitch so that you can pout about it for the next 18 hours. My point is to be direct...so that you can stop doing that little bitch ass attitude shit because it's hard not to see you as a little bitch- it's hard to respect you as a grown, intelligent person when you're acting like a passive aggressive little bitch having a mini tantrum for a continuous 18 hours... I hope you have a nice day- even though you constantly go out of your way to ruin mine. 🖕🏾

6.17.17

I can't say goodnight? What, it was 30 minutes earlier than you falling asleep? Things like this are why I feel like trying to please you is hopeless. I'm literally in trouble for doing something kind. It's as if everything I do or say is just wrong. I can't do anything right. Walking on eggshells and still failing.

I don't what I'm supposed to do here.

0 notes

thatswhatshername · 7 years

Text

Things not to say.

Thing to not say.

It's either negative because you can't think of anything positive or its negative because that's fun to you. #icant It's like you don't have anything else. Can't see anything else. Can anything be neutral?

If you don't feel comfortable telling me your thoughts or feelings...how am I supposed to know who you are for real?

If I can't talk to you during the day and I can't talk to you at night... when can I talk to you?

If I'm just going to be alone anyway, it might not be good for me to work with you on this.

Are you leaving me unfulfilled on purpose? Is this space what you need for your own wellbeing? Is it a test to see if I'll go be fulfilled elsewhere? I'm not understanding how you want to be with me but not fill me or mind my feelings or have me minding yours or any fucking thing... I don't want to be with you if I'm just going to be alone anyway.

You don't need to tell me that people feel a way about you talking to me again.. idgaf about their opinions. Their opinions are only shaped by yours. Unlike you, I haven't actually done things that are universally wrong. Yea, I've done things that made you upset or uncomfortable. I know that. And I know that you think I had a habit of running and telling about what was going on with us. But in reality, I didn't. My people's feelings about you were from their intuition or things they came across themselves. Even the girl who stayed with you situation. That wasn't me telling on you. That was someone seeing her in the back of a picture and asking about her.. My people are highly observant and highly protective. On the other hand, you're people don't have anything to observe or anything to protect you from besides yourself. And the fact that you would talk shit about me and let them talk shit about me is more than a problem. It's hurtful, disrespectful, and petty. It's just one more reason why I don't trust you enough to really try this relationship with you again. You being a completely different person, needs to stop being blamed on me. That was not something that I asked for, it was a result of your own personal issues and insecurities. You making terrible mistakes and being upset with me for not brushing them off is absolutely ridiculous and I can't even believe that you said that to me as if it was legit..

Sometimes I think to myself...that if I could just have a conversation with you, it could all just be ok. But then I realize the fact that we've tried that a million times. I keep having visions of us in a future we may never know. One where we're just fine and dandy. Where we go out bowling with friends and go home to make love while our takeout gets cold. We have our issues and pains but they can't break us because neither of us are giving conditional love. Conditional love like...you not valuing my affection if it's a part of my nature as opposed to something I developed just for you. Like you shitting on me and shit talking about me to other people whenever you don't get your way as if speaking words isn't an action and as if spoken words don't stick like glue or set in stone. Like you just being a completely different person who treats me differently at the curve of a breeze no matter what I do or how I am isn't supposed to affect me despite my being held responsible for knowing you and understanding you even though you were not yourself throughout the duration of our process of learning one another.. All of a sudden my happy little visions turn into gut wrenching break downs with you...just like real life. They remind me why I can't reach out and share any happy little tidbits of any sort with you. They remind me that any little thing can burst into flames with you. They remind me that I'm not equipped to work with you- that I can't nurse your sickness along with my own, especially if you can't even address yourself as sick. I am reminded of the pain and frustration and stress we endured while trying to work together throughout the past year. And then I exhale and let go of the hopes and things that held us in that miserable situation. And I return to my sweet little visions but now my partner is faceless. And this little happy moment isn't tied to any misery besides my own loneliness. And then I'm ok again. Just hoping that you're ok too. And visions turn to dreams as I fall asleep thinking up scenarios of life with love and peace because that's all I want either way.

Times like these I just wish I knew you enough to know whether we'd be able to hold a civil conversation. I still want to know everything I wanted to know before. I still wish that our interactions weren't so violent. I still hope that one day we'll figure it out. But tonight, I just wish I knew you. I wish you had been yourself instead of living a lie in an attempt to keep me.. because that's manipulation. And it feels like just one more lie on the list of reasons why I can't trust you. But I want to. I really wish I could trust you. But you just keep coming with the flip flopping from one truth to the next. Everything just seems like a lie. Will I ever know who you are? Is it worth figuring out? Is it worth waiting for you to figure it out enough to declare who you are and stand in who you are without flip flopping at the stare of any questioning face? Or judging face? Or labeling face or any other face that looks your way? How will I know when you've figured out how to be comfortable standing in your very own light and truth and personality and ideas and beliefs? How will I know when there is a solid you to get to know? Because nothing will ever come of this if we're still strangers.. And I think we both want something to come of this.. even if we're tired of saying so and having our wants and hopes crushed... we do still actually want and hope for something...

I wish you had given me the opportunity to choose you...as yourself. I wish you had given me the opportunity to love you for who you really are.. instead of pretending to be someone you weren't... because that is just trickery and manipulation... to try and make someone stick around by basically lying about yourself.. And I mean... I completely understand the fear and insecurity of not knowing if you're right for someone or if you're what someone wants or if you're enough for someone. Trust me, I've been there. But to have someone building a relationship with a fake persona... is a very big lie... I just wish I could help you be more confident in yourself so that you could give people the opportunity to love you for who you are on the inside as opposed to loving you for the cool things you do on the outside. Loving you for how you think and how you work through things and how you solve problems and how you react or respond to things and how hard you try.. instead of learning a bunch of fake things about you that proved to not be true or consistent, I could've learned you for real and supported you and built you up. Loving you for who you are would not have been hard for me. I enjoy giving love. Especially if I can receive it too. And with you wanting to build with me, I would have been no less dedicated than I was to you in disguise.. but we would've lasted because you wouldn't have been miserable so I wouldn't have been miserable. And even if we didn't make it so far so fast, we would've been at peace.. moving at a truer and more comfortable pace. I hope you really see these things and understand what I'm saying.. I hope you know that when I'm saying to find yourself and learn yourself that I'm being serious and that I'm not making a joke to offend you. I'm hoping that when you're more cool headed you take it to heart and actually get to a better, more comfortable, more stable, less turbulent state of being. Because I do honestly want all the best of life to find you. That will never change.

I just want to tell someone. That I write letters to you. That I talk to you on long drives. That I still feel sad about it. That I'm still hurt about us. That I'm jealous of everyone who has anything like what we almost had. That I'm angry. That I am angry with you. That I'm angry with myself. That I miss you. That I reach for you in my sleep. That I wonder where you are and what you're doing and if you're looking for a new person. I want to tell you. But of course... we don't speak well. For whatever reason...despite how delicious we are, we're allergic to one another. It kills me to think that we'll never taste happiness together.. despite everything, I hope that's not true. But I'm just trying to maintain my peace and work on my own self and life. Just hoping that we'll meet again later on.

“Our suffering is caused by holding on to how things might have been, should have been, could have been.” -Stephen Levine

I know... I'm working on letting go. Because after each moment passes, there nothing we can do about them. You spoke a lot of leaving things in the past...not understanding that my concern is the future. A future you promised... but a future you only wanted conditionally. A future where I was only meant to play a role and smile pretty... but I was never that and that was never my promise. We spoke of growth and work and building things...moving and shaking. I thought that we were on the same page...but then again I have to remind my myself that you weren't even there... you were hiding within a shell you built to woo me. I understand. But even now, my future looks the same. I just wish your promise was to stand in it. Smh. I'm so angry. I'm angry because I don't know where the lie began or whether it's ended yet. I almost hate you. I'm on fire typing this. Taking a breath- trying to release it. Creating my future rooted in my peace and my peace will hopefully be the seed for someone else's.

Please. Just...please. I don't know if you really love me or if I'm just a challenge that you haven't conquered yet.. or if you just want someone to blame and fight with.. or if you just think everyone sucks so you might as well settle for me... or maybe you just wanted to finish what was started. I honestly don't know. But I really needed...*need someone to count on. And so do you. But you fucked it up. And so did I. I believed in you. I believed that you could and would be everything you said you'd be. I trusted you with myself and my pieces and inner workings that no one else had access to. I agreed to give you the rest of my life but you didn't value me or my life enough to not dangle our future over the trash when're you got frustrated. Just senselessly throw it all away like a child and then try to dig it out and rinse it off and convince me that it's ok and that you didn't mean it and shit... But then I couldn't count on you. Your word was already worthless, you were too easily stressed and overwhelmed for me to even try to lean on you with my own pains. And you felt so erased by your own insecurities that you tried to erase me too to make it fair for you. I'm on fire again. I've never felt so passionately about anything before. I'm so angry. You were supposed to be my partner in life and in love. You were supposed to be my very best friend and my most intimate counterpart. We never even made it to marriage but I am so hurt to be without you. I want to hate you but it's insane to hate someone for being broken or for having a past full of issues to address. So I love you instead. And I look forward to a day when I can support your healing in some way that doesn't kill me. Until then...idk what I'll do... keep writing letters I suppose. Smh.

I wish we could just fix it. Half of what I'm angry with you for probably isn't even your own doing. You did create yourself or raise yourself. But at this point, everything about us as "grown" people is our own responsibility. So... it doesn't matter who else's fault it might be. It is our responsibility to pick up where they left off and to decide who we are and do whatever it takes to be that. There is no one to blame. There are no excuses. Stop looking for someone to take the fall for you. It's on you now. All on you. Grow the fuck up bruh. Damn. No self control. No self discipline. No mindfulness. No self awareness. Your entire being is a series of reactions to other things and people. Be something on purpose on your own accord for the sake of establishing who you are...for you. Damn. When I tell ya I have never been so passionately angry...smh.

I really think you're reflecting.. My whole m.o. is that regardless of anything or anyone else, I make me and my life. I refuse to accept people, things, and behaviors into my life because I can and I believe that is how I achieve my peace. I don't blame people for where I am or how I'm doing. Even when things are literally a result of someone else's doing, I usually protect them and excuse them because I don't believe it's my place to defame anyone and each persons faults and mistakes are between them and God. You might really want to take a look in the mirror with this whole playing the victim bit. Quite frankly, you're the biggest perpetrator of this I've ever allowed in my life for an extended period of time.. With your pessimism, blaming, expecting the worst from people, viewing things negatively or as an attack or as a trigger no matter what- and then if you find it hard to do those things, the person's kindness is called BS or fake or a lie? You're entire rhetoric is centered around how I made you do this that and the other and how I ruined your life and how made you lose your whole mind and how I am responsible for everything that you're going through... Yet, when I'm saying that we made each other miserable or that I didn't want to stay in a situation where I was making you miserable, you say that you weren't...? Just to negate me? .....yea, I'm not you. Check yourself.

Note: you probably don't want me to see the therapist because you don't want a professional to say that I'm right. Lol. 💀

Second note: even throughout this ending process.. I take as much as I can and then I take my ass out of it and refuse to take any more.

Third Note: do you think that by doing all of the things you're saying I did or used to do or am doing..... that you're making a point? It seems more and more like you are reflecting your own character onto me... Abusive? Narcissistic? Sociopath? Victim? Low Self Esteem? Blaming? Bitter? All of those things are you......not quite me...at all. Lol.

Just as I'm thinking on this... again... unnecessarily... This built up bitterness and aggression is based in the desire for an apology from either me asking for your love language scores or me not taking you seriously...(?)...in May...? Wow. Honestly I'm ashamed of the fact that I'm even thinking of this so often. Also just thought about the idea of you not knowing I was apologetic about some things until you read the messages that I didn't know you could receive.. well sir...I have apologized for everything that I've ever talked to myself about. It's just that you hate apologies and when you hear apologies from me, you consider them bs and assume that they're being used as a tool of manipulation for some secret ulterior motives... because you're insane. Crazy.

It kills me that I really lost this entire relationship because of one little misunderstanding. One question sparked the assumption that I was disregarding your need/request and not taking you seriously. But in reality, I was just trying to keep our records and information together. You couldn't believe me though. Couldn't let go of the anger from you're assumption. You never took a step back to see that shit clearly. You're still waiting for an apology to this day. Not realizing that you were wrong. You accept that your response was wrong. But the fact that you can just assume things and blow up means that you still aren't stable enough to do anything near a marriage. I can't depend on your mind and that's the most important thing to me. Emotions always waiver so I never even tried to stand on them. It was always about the mindset and commitment and work ethic for me. But of course we're different people and I never expected you to be like me. But I did consider you a thinker. I considered you to be level headed. I thought that you had a trustworthy mind. I thought that you had a level of discernment that made your thoughts and opinions safe to follow regardless of your feelings because clear headed thoughts can't be swayed biased by emotions. That's what I thought of you first. That's what I admired most about you. But that's the main thing that you aren't. So now, while I love a million other things about you, I can't see what I can depend on from you. I can't see what I can trust or follow or believe in.. That's why I couldn't just come back to you regardless of wanting to be back together or my feelings for you. It wasn't about that. It was about me figuring out how to go about building a life without a foundation.. and since May, I haven't found the answer or found anything new to build on... For a moment I thought that maybe I should be more emotionally driven but I felt like your love wasn't dependable either. I couldn't believe that love would let you assume the worst of me so often or constantly place blame on me or ask me to sacrifice my dreams despite the fact that everything I was asking for was agreed to be put on hold for as long as necessary...which might've been forever anyway... so...idk what to tell you. Idk what I could possibly say to make you understand why it still hurts so much trying to let this shit go.. Maybe it's because I still believe in something.. Maybe I'm hoping that each of us will just magically understand each other and easily rectify our issues and find peace in one another and a way to start building again. Idk. I just...can't accept that we can't at least be civil as grown people.. And if we can be civil, that shows that we can be understanding.. And if we can be understanding, all our problems are solved and we'll just wake up magically together and happy... Damn. I wish.

I know it's not a real thing but... some nights I try to talk to you in my mind.. as if we have telekinetic communication skills or something.. I know it's ridiculous but... I feel like if I focus enough and believe in it enough, it'll actually work...at least sort of... Honestly, I think that's what got you to speak sensibly to me today. Thank God. Smh... anywho... yay. Exerting the power to control our behaviors- choosing to be civil is step one. So, yay.

I'm still so angry and frustrated with you... Some of the few things you're consistent about are being wishy washy, not sticking by your word, being petty, being spiteful, and bull shitting. According to lots of folk, men don't often grow up until they're 40.....but you've gotta grow tf up. Decide who you should be and be that shit. Asap. Because right now you're just a shitty ass child.

There are so many things I wish we had been able to do. One of them is stepping back and taking a breath to analyze what we're receiving from one another in terms of communication. Our conversations might've been extremely slow but at least we'd have avoided all those painful unnecessary arguments. I honestly believe that if we took that type of time, we would've been able to obtain a whole lot of peace and harmony. Because quite frankly, we're not as far from the same page as we might think.

Sometimes I forget the terrible things and just float back in time to when I was making a friend and falling in love at the same time. Wow. It's amazing to have an idea of what your life partner might be like.. Something you could never know until it's happening. Something you can never be sure of...ever. Something you won't know worked until it's over... Sometimes...I just want to talk to you...or listen to you tell me about whatever is important to you for the moment. Sometimes I just wish I knew how to work through everything that's happened to you as well as between us throughout the past year. It's just so crazy to me... we can do this.. I can do this for us.

Times when I just feel like being a homebody, I still picture myself home with you or waiting for you to return or sleeping in your space or cooking for you or just having you around as if it's normal for you to just be a part of my life. Remembering the warmth of your hand on my flesh in the most innocent way, just loving or protecting me. Remembering how my eyes would well up just watching you.. because believing in you gave me overwhelming hope for a joy I never even considered. I remember you saying that I didn't love you...but I did. Oh God... I loved you. And I still do. Even if you don't love me. Because my love isn't rooted in receiving your love. I love you for all that you are. Including the parts that hurt me. Because watching those parts grow and fade away are the highlight of what I perceive as our success. And I still want that. I still believe in that.

I don't know what's going on with you and I don't have to, that's fine. But I still hope and pray the best for you, for your wellness mentally, physically, and emotionally, for your relationships with other people whether it's family, friends, or even a romantic interest.. The type of love I build doesn't fade. Because it's not based on whether or not its reciprocated. It's not based on what I receive or how I feel. My love is rooted in my belief that loving God's creation is a way of loving God. My love for God has never faltered and I don't expect it to. So my love for you will never fade. It was there before we even met and it will be there until I'm dead and gone. If the two of us ever get to a point where we want more love or an additional type of love to build between us, that's great. But I really just wish you could understand that this core love that comes from me isn't some insignificant thing just because it's not romantic or not only for you as an individual. And none of this is to mean that I don't have a romantic love for you as well. But this core love. It's special and valuable because everyone doesn't have it to give. It's not worthless just because everyone can have some. I honestly feel like that's something that makes it even more special. Anyway.....I just want you to know that I love you from the core and in a way that will never be inaccessible for you. I want you to understand that I'm here for you and that I truly want the best for you no matter what that looks like.

Note: I just sent you a morning text and you asked if it was a mass text... because if it is wasn't only for you, you wouldn't appreciate it... It's crazy how oppositely in sync we are. I think I just realized how important it is for you to feel special. I have to work on seeing that as just a different need as opposed to viewing that need as an immature or selfish type of thing. Because quite frankly, whether it is or isn't doesn't change the fact that you need it so why address those things? If they're actually even an issue, they can only be grown out of or worked through on your own time and in your own way. I recognize that pushing you to address everything at once is overwhelming and not healthy for you. In order to serve you better, I need to be more aware of how different things affect you and more patient with giving you the time and space to go through things on your own while staying available for you and not leaving you alone.

As I'm thinking about what type of plant I might add to my space, I am completely blown that you thought you should tell me that you threw the fucking plant away... you fucking child 😂 lashing out like a fucking juvenile. 😂lol. You have no chill. No discernment, completely uncouth. Lol. Blew me. 😂 lol. So classy. Smh. Let me take a breath and try to see that you have no self control or mindfulness when you're anything near upset in any way. Smh. Sadly hilarious.

Wow. So...you lied about not loving me anymore... you lied about not being able to block me on your phone... you think I'm denying the fact that I have feelings for you... you call yourself growing up while literally just throwing tantrums and placing blame... you're asking me to be more cooperative (in not talking to you) while simultaneously refusing to stop talking to me... Is any of this incorrect? Sweetheart...you're a delusional child. I don't want to find you. I want you to realize you're crazy, get your head right, and find me. So, fuck you and your bitch ass need to have the last word. 🙄 Why you gotta be such a little bitch. Damn. So exhausting.

Please..........damn. Just...please. Please...just take a step back and consider not being a complete ass. Consider letting go of whatever parts of the past are making you stay angry and hostile. Consider making some self control a part of your growing up and becoming wise. Consider the fact that I've never treated you this way...ever. Just please stop.

Socratea

I'm glad that we had a good experience but I'm also very blown about the fact that you needed me to basically beg for your forgiveness, make myself smaller than you, gracefully take all of your asshole bs, and then stroke your ego for you to possibly hear the shit I've been saying from jump...... especially while addressing none of the fact that you're still dead wrong and that you were dead wrong about everything. You actually doing bad things vs me not being sensitive enough.. I sure hope all that growth and wisdom and change you spoke of was legitimate on your part. Thus far all I've seen change is that you're more uncouth and more of an illogical, delusional ass hole unless you feel like you're special and being put on a pedestal.........so...............shit. Please please please let all the shit you talked be true. Let it be real and true and legitimately helpful........please. Shit.

I know that you've got a lot going on right now...but...that's normal.. so.....if I'm going to be here, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to handle you being........Idek. How am I supposed to deal with you in this state of just.....half ass, distant, bull shitting around, dry, refusing to give a fuck, refusing to talk to me... Just what exactly would you like me to be doing?? ...tell me if you don't really want this.

It's interesting to hear that now, I'm considered not emotionally strong enough but at first I was considered too dominant/overbearing/controlling/ or whatever else. It's also interesting because out of the two of us, I view myself as having had to be emotionally stable throughout all of this because you seem to have no mental or emotional stability or mindfulness yourself.. throwing tantrums and spazzing out at the sight of any frustration and having to leave or threaten to leave or having to go into your own corner to cope with your feelings would make you the unstable one... and that instability is what makes all the things you say that you have to offer highly invalid. So...me, dealing with all of that is what makes me think that I'm emotionally stable and level headed and all that shit. Lol. I honestly wish you could learn to communicate better. Learn to say things in a way that is dramatically less offensive. Like...you can high key get your point across without being a condescending bitch. The fact that I can see this shit and laugh it off... I'm a beast. You're an idiot.

Wow.......watching you walk away again... saying that this -civility- was just a challenge for you to meet. That you think you're proving that you can be civil and that'll give me closure...? I wasn't looking for closure. Honestly...did you just do all of this to hurt me? You felt abandoned so you're trying to make someone else feel like you? Miserable, terrible, sick person. Wow. I wish I had been wrong about you. Smh.

I thought that maybe you wanted/needed to feel sought after or maybe to feel pursued or maybe to feel like I was here completely on my own choice and not just following you...doing it for me... because that's what I thought you expressed. But maybe not. Wrong once again.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂yo stupid ass read all this shit to learn how to not be passive or passive aggressive yourself so now after all the shit we've been through and all the shit I've been accused of, you think I'm passive??? 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I'm passive??? 😂💀😂💀😂💀😂 Sweetie.....I'm soft with you because I think you're a little bitch and I don't want to keep hurting you like I apparently had been doing. But now I'm too nice? I'm too selfless? 😂💀😂💀😂💀😂 Best believe I haven't changed. I'm still not tolerating your bs and I'm still requiring you to grow into a better person. It's so hilarious that all of a sudden I'm passive. 😂💀😂💀😂😂😂😂😂😂💀😂💀😂 #icant 😂😂😂 smh. Shit like this is why I have a hard time taking you seriously.....😂😂😂

OMG I just had a thought......are you being an asshole in an effort to push me to stand up for myself? To test my passiveness??? 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Niggas kiiiill me tryna be smart. Lol. Nigga, how you gon try to be smart when you know you slow. Lol. Smh. Tryna act sane when you know you ain't. Ol' psycho, schitzo, be just like yo daddy, prolly shoot up yo job lookin ass. 😂😂😂😂😂 wreck yoself. 😂😂😂💀💀💀

I'm not allowed to have needs. Just wants.

I'm wondering if you're happy. Are you?

Did I force this relationship? Is it real?

When someone realizes I have depression And their reaction is to be angry with me..... I'm just concerned...

So... if I ask for a hug and you feel like it's just a want- you think I just want to touch you or you feel like I'm just being touchy-feely, you'll gladly hug me. But if I ask for a hug and you feel like it's a need- you think I'm feeling down and using the hug as a way to feel better, you'll say no and tell me to get my life.. Wow. Gotcha.

Honestly...I feel like I hate you.. I keep having to stop myself from saying fuck you and kill yourself and I hope you burn in hell... like...literally hoping that hell isn't a figurative thing so that when you trip and break your neck, you'll burn there for eternity. So...this relationship seems to be turning out just like before... when maybe I should've left. Maybe taking all this shit from you isn't actually worth it. Maybe staying through this bull shit isn't proving anything and isn't earning anything. It's not realistic to say oh, if I stay through this, it'll be proof enough that I love you and you'll stop being terrible. But the thing is...you're not terrible because of me... you're just terrible because that's who you are. Idk how you became who you are.. I'm sure if you'd admit to being terrible, you'd blame someone else for why. But.....you are choosing to be who you are...so...? Regardless of the reason why.....fuck you. Kill yourself. Burn in hell. I honestly hate you. I mean yea, I'd be sad but...I'd also be dramatically less miserable. There would be dramatically less stress and strife and pain in my life without you. So really, why am I staying? Because I gave my word? Is my word that important to me? Be miserable for the rest of my life to honor my word...? Endure relentless terror and borderline abuse for the sake of honoring my word to stay with you...? I hate you. I hate you for giving me something to hate. I've never had this sort of pain and fire in my heart before. I literally hate you. Wow. I hate you.

It seems like I have a much shorter fuse than you or maybe I'm a lot less tolerant of things or maybe I'm just weaker and can't take a lot of shit. But until you understand that and stop dishing shit to me, you will not be tolerated. I don't care how disrespectful it feels. Unlike you, I will not let anyone or anything take me out of my mind. I don't care about the cost. I would rather lose you than lose my mind or my peace. I did not sell my soul to be in this relationship. You do not own me. I don't care. You can't always come first. Oh well. Boo hoo.

I never imagined that someone who makes me feel happy could make me more unhappy than anyone or anything I've ever known before.

It's probably a little easier to cause me pain than most people. If you can't be gentle or sensitive to that, I might not be able to tolerate a life with you.

I might be sensitive or weak or fragile. But i'm not asking you to baby me. I'm asking you to protect me from things that are harmful to me- even if those things come from you. And I'm telling you that if you can't or won't protect me, I will protect myself- even if it means sacrificing some closeness to you.

I honestly hate you. I've never experienced anyone being so content with hurting me before. I hate you. Honestly.

Well. It can be as terrible as a good morning text...if I repeat it. Just ruined the entire day. Smh. No matter how kindly or peacefully I approach you, you always find something to be upset about. Everything that I say has something annoying which is disrespectful or offensive which you won't directly address which you'll just passive aggressively retaliate against in every response you give until I check in on your feelings which will also aggravate you which will have you throw a tantrum as if I've just done all sorts of end of the world type shit. Damn. I must be an idiot too for wanting to work shit out with your stupid ass.

Now, I'm contemplating doing my work from today and realizing that is almost 11pm... literally ruined the entire day. Just realized the fact that I haven't eaten anything but a bowl of instant oatmeal and 3 chips ahoy cookies all day. Telling me that I use my depression as a crutch...right, despite the fact that you claim to not even have known about it until recently... Arguing with you had my whole period come almost a whole week early... but I'm just being a baby and asking you to baby me... Telling me that you looked at old pictures and my skin is really getting bad...I wonder why my skin is so bad now that I'm back with you....hm... Yea, I must be as much of an idiot as you...or at least almost.

Man. It's really crazy how upset you are about me taking a breather from you. So this space of me not speaking to you for a couple of hours is so upsetting that you feel like... you need to go to some extreme and give me complete separation from you? So, if I want space, you're done with me? Wow. Oh you want space? -well I'll give you space. That's crazy. Remember when the shoe was on the other foot.....? Wow. You're whole crazy.

I'm trying not to bubble up or burst into flames but I'm honestly more exhausted than anything. To think that all this started from a glitch message.....(not that I even believe that) or on your end, it all started with a repeat good morning message... like...? Wow. Thing that small can have us completely fucked up. Are we broken up now? Is the whole marriage off now? Wow.

I hate being with someone who can't wish me a good morning... just...why?

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