#like we should be appealing to cis people and their ideas of gender and fit into their binary like it’ll make them hate us any less UG

[fawn-paws]

The dolly trans women are honestly gonna have to get comfortable with the fact that some trans women are just Some Guy

[svartalfhild]

Do you think that most people don’t ship Laudna with Ashton because they desire explicitly queer or homosexual relationships portrayed and even though Ashton is he/they, Ashton is still voiced by a man and “acts like” a masculine man, that somehow reads that Laudna and he/they would be in a “heterosexual” relationship?

I ask because it seems like the official reason “reason” for not shipping Ashna is pretty flimsy (“Oh, they only give off brother/sister/sibling vibes” well yeah but Laudna’s relationship with Imogen could also be read as sisterly)

People also seem to ignore that even if Laudna is bi/pan/demi, so far the main targets of her possible romantic/crush/dating interests were described as or shown to be male or mostly male presenting.

Therefore, they shouldn’t see it as out of left field if some fans ship Laudna/Dorian, Laudna/Ashton, Laudna/Eshteross, Laudna/Whitestone Andy, Laudna/Pretty, Laudna/Minotaur Dude in addition to or instead of Laudna/Imogen, Laudna/Fearne, and Laudna/Imogen/Fearne, etc. (No Laudna/Chetney because our gnome-wolf is too devoted to his Fae-Lady to consider anyone else 😆). Nor should they claim queer baiting of Laudna does wind up with someone other than Imogen (weirdly enough, that term is thrown around even if the character’s official love interest isn’t a member of the opposite sex just because they didn’t end up with the preferred same-sex person)

I dunno. Just curious. At the end of the day, people have the freedom to ship whatever they want because that’s what they like; I’m just tired of some of the more annoying shippers trying to force their own ship on others and be offended if someone else prefers a different ship.

Sorry for the rant.

No it's okay, Anon; I get you.

I certainly think a perception of Ashna as a het relationship could be a contributing factor to many people's disinterest in it. There is a pervasive notion in fandom culture of certain things not being "queer enough" along very predictable lines that reflect discourses in the queer community at large. As an ace demigirl, I am deeply familiar with this problem.

Ashton's gender is unspecified, but we know he's nonbinary because he's a he/they, but because he presents in a masculine way and is comfortable with he/him, this places him in a weird "not a pure nonbinary" box in people's minds because he doesn't fit the fully androgynous image people have of nb people. As result of being "nb lite", his potential relationship with a female character is seen as a m/f ship, and therefore once again "not queer enough" to be interesting. (Side note: Taliesin has talked about genderqueer experiences before, so I hesitate to assume he's a cis man, but his masculine presentation is certainly an aspect of people's perception of Ashton.)

I do see a lot of Im*dna shippers talking about how they perceive Ashton and Laudna as a sibling type relationship, and you're right, people could easily read it the other way around. I definitely perceive Imogen and Laudna as a sisterly best friend relationship and Ashton and Laudna (especially Ashton's attentions to Laudna) as hinting at romantic interest. It troubles me that so many people take the attitude that there's only one correct way to look at it, even though there has been no confirmation of anything and we're all floating in the soup of ambiguity.

The notion that it'll be queerbaiting if Laudna ends up with someone other than Imogen (esp. if said someone is masc) is fucking ridiculous, and I severely need people to check the definition of queerbaiting. Someone already did a good post on the notion of queerbaiting in CR, so I won't rehash all the points, but yeah, there very much is this implied idea of certain outcomes not being queer enough to be appealing or even acceptable.

Ashton queers everything they touch just by being themself, but again, because they present in a masc way, any ships with female characters get categorized as het and thereby disregarded.

Then there's the matter of Laudna's sexuality, which is unknown, but we do know that she's attracted to men and isn't categorically opposed to the attentions of a nonbinary person. We don't know if she's attracted to women, but it's certainly possible. The notion of Laudna as mspec and/or aspec in a relationship with a masc character seems to not be queer enough for a lot of people (especially the latter, but that's a whole other essay), as it is perceived as "basically het" and somehow queerbaiting. This is kinda bringing me back to the days of Campaign 1 and the huge fit people threw over Vaxilmore vs. Vaxleth, calling it queerbaiting and homophobic, despite the fact that Vax is bi and Keyleth is demi, so there was no actual loss of queer rep (not to mention the fact that the people who play those characters aren't straight).

Long story short, there's a lot of unexamined and unspoken biased against nbs, mspecs, and aspecs in the way people perceive and talk about character relationships because of the pervasive idea that these identities don't provide good enough queer representation, especially among main characters. I think that could definitely be a strong contributing factor in people's unwillingness to consider and leave room for the possibility of a Laudna and Ashton ending up together.

[bao3bei4]

girlbosses, male wives, and other lesbian genders

a post about jing wei qing shang. but also mostly about another unrelated movie. spoiler-free.

for a lot of people, mulan 1998 is their definitive “ohhh i’m a chinese woman dressing as a man for contrived reasons and i get absolutely nooo erotic pleasure from this” movie. 

however, because i am very special and unique, for me it’s the love eterne 1963. it’s the shaw brothers adaptation of butterfly lovers, the classic chinese folktale. here’s how i’d summarize the movie: 

zhu yingtai, an aspiring scholar, convinces her parents to let her dress as a man to attend school. on the way there, she meets liang shanbo, another prospective student, and they become sworn brothers. they study together for three years, growing closer, until zhu yingtai returns home. liang shangbo accompanies her for the eighteen-li journey home while she hints she’s a woman, but he remains oblivious. by the time he learns her gender, her parents have engaged her to another man. he dies of grief, and while she mourns at his grave, it splits open, and she buries herself inside with him. two scraps of her torn outfit turn into butterflies and fly away.

it’s worth noting here that like. this movie is made in the huangmei opera style. so both zhu yingtai and liang shanbo are played by women (betty loh ti and ivy ling po respectively). because of this, basically every level of the film is preoccupied with gender: if we take zhu yingtai’s male performance as credible (as the characters in the movie do) the leads bond through male homoeroticism; the text is ultimately about a heterosexual romance; it is acted out by two women, in a performance that is difficult to mistake as heterosexual or even feminine; and the dialogue of the movie can’t help but remark on this.

basically it asks: what if lesbians could be gay both ways? wouldn’t that be based? 

like opera was traditionally made by single gender casts, so roles tended to be genderless, in that the gender of the actor doesn’t determine the gender of the role they play. roles are instead typed into four categories: dan (fem), sheng (masc), chou (clown), and jing (painted face). it’s a sick gender quadinary. each of these roles has further subtypes that are represented through stylized patterns of singing, makeup, costuming, movement etc.

so in butterfly lovers, betty loh ti plays a dan, and ivy ling po plays a sheng. but because of the textual cross-gender play, you end up with a woman playing a woman playing a man who falls in love with a woman playing a man.

i’m going to make a brief digression here into talking about like.. acting theory. in the european tradition, you see it evolving out of early concerns (from stanislavski, brecht) about the fourth wall, and its permeability or lack thereof. in chinese opera tradition, the fourth wall didn’t ever really exist. and mei lanfang, the legendary fanchuan performer, claimed that his success wasn’t just due to his appearance, but rather, his mastery of some nonliteral feminine subjectivity. 

If I kept my male feelings, even just a trace, it will betray my true self; then how can I compete for the audience’s affection for feminine beauty and guile?

i’m not going to argue that there’s like, an essence to being a woman because i’m not a fucking idiot. but there’s something to be said for the idea that the gendered interplay between the audience’s perception of the actor, the actor’s perception of themself, and the character they play is a massive part of the appeal of fanchuan performance.

this is echoed by david hwang’s m. butterfly, in which gallimard memorably says, “i’m a man who loved a woman created by a man. everything else—simply falls short.” btw sorry for having the type of brain disease where i constantly reference chinese crossdressing related media. you already know why i have it. 

anyway. parallel to that (but far less morally detestably), jin jiang argues “young male impersonators in yue opera embody women’s ideal men—elegant, graceful, capable, caring, gentle, and loyal.” so, trivially, 1) the eroticism embodied by fanchuan performers is distinctly different from their “straight” counterparts, and perhaps less trivially 2) it’s way better. 

back to the love eterne for a bit. one of the many reasons it’s lodged itself into my psyche is because there’s something more interesting at play than just all that. normally in opera, to compensate for any perceived residual femininity in the sheng, the dan camps it up even further. so this is how zhu yingtai first appears, this bratty femme pastiche of womanhood. yet within a couple minutes she’s dressed as a man, which she’ll stay as for the bulk of the movie. they do however make compromises with the makeup--more gently lifted eyebrows than the steep angles of the sheng opera beat, and an improbably masculine smoky eye. 

that’s right. they performed girlbossification on her. 

i don’t want to suggest that she’s straightforwardly feminine. i could write an entire other thing on her relationship to masculinity. instead i want to highlight the erotic interplay not just between the “girl” and the “boss” but also between her and her counterpart: the male wife. 

liang shanbo is ostensibly straightforwardly male, but his relationship with zhu yingtai isn’t gay in the ahaha what if i was into my bro way-- it’s a what if i was into my bro and i was his wife way.

that’s right. they performed force fem on a cis woman-man. like when zhu yingtai tells him he can’t watch over her as she recovers from an illness because “boys and girls can’t sleep together,” liang shanbo asks “are you implying that I’m a girl?”

there’s a lot of shit like this that builds up over the course of the movie. it all culminates in that final 18 mile journey. along the way, zhu yingtai compares them to a pair of mandarin ducks, one male & one female. liang shanbo sputters “i am a man inside out-- you shouldn’t--” before graciously conceding, “you may compare me to a woman.” 

this is like. a simple punchline. but it’s incredible. it’s true! liang shanbo isn’t a man inside out in that he’s a man and only a man, but rather that he’s a man seen inside first, built for desiring, by a woman & for a woman. as a perpetual object, he becomes a more believable woman than zhu yingtai. and at least in his view, it seems more likely that he could be a woman than her. but beyond that, his permissive tone reads as a kind of wanting in itself--recast, if she wants, “for you, i’ll be a woman.” 

obviously this is a classic lesbian mood. who among us has not seen “no gender only lesbian” posts. and speaking of classic lesbians, you might ask. did you just tiresomely reinvent butches and femmes but with a more annoying name? yes. no. okay. well. 

first, like butch/femme dynamics have both historical specificity and a classed character such that it’s not rlly that appropriate to impose them on the love eterne. and i guess more importantly, i wanna talk about stuff that isn’t real.

we fight all day about people who confuse performance with performativity, (i use we lightly here. for instance, i go outside every day so i don’t care about discourse) but what if we actually wanted to talk about the former for once? something specifically, whether we choose or are forced into it, that we pretend to be? 

anyway. what the hell does all that have to do with jing wei qing shang. i’m going to start by first making the argument that there’s no such thing as a naturally occurring girlboss. i think, honestly, she’s a product of capitalism (“boss” should be the tipoff here) but because both of these stories are set in ambiguously historical china, i’m going to say, instead that she’s a product of uhhh primitive accumulation.

semantics so that i can be canon compliant with marxism aside, if girlbosses are made not born, can you choose to be a girlboss? sheryl sandberg says yes. i don’t disagree, i guess, but i will say: stop glamorizing it! humans only become girlbosses when they’re greatly distressed. 

you become a girlboss when you have no other choice not to be one. when your wants are too great to be a woman, when the things you want are not things that women should want-- whether that’s something that really no one should want, like being a ceo, or whether that’s just something like loving a woman (or, as it is quite often, both) -- you have to become something else. 

another important part of being a girlboss is that other people are not. your excesses mean that not only do you lose something in the process, but your bosshood comes at the expense of others. the girlboss necessitates a girlworker, or so to speak. 

now we’re getting to jwqs. i’m assuming that you haven’t read jwqs, because most people haven’t. that was me until like four days ago. in broad strokes, the novel is about a woman, qiyan agula, who was raised as a prince, and her quest for revenge against the kingdom who slaughtered her people. of course, this involves marrying one of the princesses of that kingdom. it’s all very exciting (lesbian). 

what’s striking about jwqs is that both of them seem to fit the girlboss paradigm, in vaguely similar ways. qi yan (agula’s assumed name) seems to follow the lineage of zhu yingtai, who pretends to be a man to achieve her goals. she’s forced to give up much in the process, and also sacrifices a, uh, lot of innocent people. similarly, nangong jingnu, the princess, is inherently a girlboss because royalty sucks. but also, qi yan girlbossifies her over the course of their relationship. 

but i wouldn’t say jwqs is girlboss4girlboss. there’s something a little more complicated happening. qi yan isn’t zhu yingtai in that she’s a dan pretending to be a sheng. it seems more like that she was a sheng all along. it’s something that the women of the novel return to often: qi yan seems to be better than a man.

for instance, nangong sunu, jingnu’s older sister, reflects on this. 

Nangong Sunu had seen many foolishly loving women who sacrificed everything for the sake of their husbands, but there were rarely any men who would do the same for them. 

(...) 

Thinking it through, Nangong Sunu felt that Qi Yan was truly becoming more interesting. She intended to observe discreetly for a while, to verify if such a man truly existed in this world. (ch 221) 

and i forgot to write down the citation for this, but nangong jingnu also seems to argue that not only is qi yan prettier than a man, but she also seems to be prettier than a woman. (it’s the bit where she’s watching qi yan sleep. help me out here.)

moreover, the way qi yan relates to nangong jingnu is suggestive. jingnu brings out the elements of wanting to be a woman in her. it’s jingnu’s body that makes her wonder what she would look like if she was more feminine. it’s jingnu’s happiness that she resents, wishing that her people could have that as well. it’s her desire for jingnu that makes her a woman. 

(another important distinction i suppose--while one person can’t be both a butch and a femme, because the girlboss and the male wife are things we pretend to be until we embody them / them us -- there’s greater slippage between the two.)

anyway, the girlboss/male wife dynamic is reversed wrt who’s actually dressing as a different gender. that suggests an inversion in the implications we see from the love eterne, if we are to take the love eterne as the paradigmatic girlboss text. which i do, for no reason in particular. 

so then, is qi yan pretending to be a man? under the opera framework, we’re forced to say no. she’s not pretending to be a man any more so than liang shanbo (as acted by ivy ling po) was. but that, of course, feels incorrect, just looking at the text. is she, then, pretending to be a sheng? i’d strongly say no. the things that others see in her, they authentically see; and she does authentically feel the same things as liang shanbo wrt femininity.

so it has to be the opera framework that jwqs is subverting then. if qi yan kept some trace of her once-womanhood, if qi yan reveals her true self, and yet she still can compete for the audience’s affection-- jwqs’s inversion of the opera framework seems to argue instead that it’s that true self that allows you to compete. it’s being masc that lets you be a desirable woman; it’s being feminine that lets you be a desirable man.

there’s an increased gender ambivalence to jwqs, which make sense, i guess, seeing as it’s not meant to be a het story the way that the love eterne was. for instance, nangong jingnu crossdresses to go out in public, and qi yan remarks that jingnu’s disguise fooled her on their first meeting. when qi yan and jingnu go out in public, both disguised as men, they’re repeatedly perceived as a gay male couple. there’s freedom in that: they could be gay women only privately, they could be straight officially, but they could be anonymously gay publicly. 

so it’s through the gay male pretense that they can be gay women; it’s through the qi yan pretense that agula can love women; it’s the qi yan caring husband persona that coaxes jingnu in caring for qi yan in return-- jwqs, more precisely, argues that you can’t be a woman if you’re going to love them, and even less so if you’re going to be loved by one. 

this is perhaps well-trodden ground for anyone who has read wittig & certainly many people who haven’t. but it’s the layer of pretense that for me complicates these two narratives. 

i think it’s a relatable feeling: wanting something anticipating getting something, or wanting something for yourself anticipating knowing that you already had it. that is, desire in itself being constitutive of that reality. 

or less abstractly, knowing that you’d want to be a lesbian if you could, knowing that you’d want not to be a woman if you could-- anticipating any realization of either. 

the dramatic excesses & wants of the girlboss, i think, are a decent literary stand in for being a lesbian. 

i wanna note here that this is rlly just based on my experience being a transmisogyny exempt nonbinary diaspora lesbian lol. it’s fun & cathartic to overread this history & place myself in the accidental implications.

i don’t think most of the things i say are literally true. and i don’t want to overstep & say any of this can be generalized. please lmk if something here doesn’t read right! ok kisses bye

[rethesun]

Harry Styles does not queer bait

If you hate long posts and don’t want to read click this for the shortest and only version you'll ever need.  

https://i-d.vice.com/en_uk/article/wx57ex/harry-styles-queerbaiting

I'm glad I've been on the right side of things the entire time. I never accused Harry Styles of queer baiting ever, and I often defend him in the same way I would any individual. I partially disagree with the article because they say only fantasy/art can queer bait. Maybe I misunderstood them, but I don't see it that way alone. Do you know who queer baits? Large corporations that go all out for pride month & films that have obnoxiously stereotyped queer characters. We need to retire the idea of individuals queer baiting unless they have 100% said they are hetero. If you don't know for sure, then you can't claim queer baiting because then you're assuming that someone has to come forth as straight in some way and that straight/cis is the default. Queer people are under no obligation to announce themselves.

More: In Harry's last Guardian interview, he repeats his sentiment that his personal identity is not something he is currently putting up for discussion in the press. He questions the press' desire to know about pop stars' sexuality: 

Interviewer: You mean, why ask the question? 

Harry: Yeah, I think I do mean that. It's not like I'm sitting on an answer, and protecting it, and holding it back. It's not a case of: I'm not telling you cos I don't want to tell you. It's not: ooh this is mine and it's not yours. 

I do not speak for everyone in the LGBTQ+ community: The above extract from the guardian interview is why I'm not pressuring myself to label my sexuality for now/maybe forever or decide to come out as unlabeled. Whether with any intention or not, Harry has softened barriers for some things to feel less taboo/daunting. Most of us do not want to subject ourselves to different treatment, especially if it's negative. Not all of us have the privilege to do so either. 

I agree, it is not justifiable, and he's right to question them. Being open to everyone isn't easy. Now imagine yourself no less human than right now, but add millions of eyes on you. It's insensitive to assume about someone when they could be doing their best/what is comfortable—please let's stop invalidating what we don't understand.

Even More: When you are straight/cis, you have it simple. You don’t have any pressure or fear and nor do you have to conform or ask yourself if you need to come out. If you do want to share for any reason, you just say you're straight/cis because there is no backlash and everyone moves on. Harry has never said such a thing. Straight people flaunt their sexuality everywhere every day and then said straight people dare to question and complain about queer people's self-expression. Queer people do not demand or feel entitled to personal information about straight/cis people. Note: Heteronormativity is not the default; it's just the conditioned and performative norm. Harry has always indicated queerness and exploration of that. Gender is fluid, and so is sexuality, but many people are not ready for that either. To explore is 100% valid, and anyone who says no to that is trying to control something very personal. After all these years of being a fan, if you are still confused, maybe you weren't paying attention to H, or perhaps we are meant to be confused, or perhaps we all see what we want to see, and maybe I am wrong. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter because it's no one's business. Remember that last line. I'll come back to it. 

I would never want to be one of the people who pressure someone to conform or share their personal journey in the way I see fit. I would never be angry until someone made things official as if things need to be official for something and someone to be valid. Note again: They don't. To go from annoyance and harsh judgment to suddenly sweet praises such as, 'I'm so proud of so and so' that makes my heart sink and my stomach turn.

Further: On the whole, people should not have to feel pressure to share their sexuality/gender or whole life story (btw not to say we don't care, we are more than open to listening and care about it) for "fans" to have empathy for them in the first place. Then here they are sharing some things and getting invalidated by people again. Sigh, not everyone is meant to like or understand you and that’s okay, but there is no need to be disrespectful. I digress. Recap: Sexuality and gender is a personal thing no one else can have power over. For those that expect a definitive statement from queer people, here's a news flash, sometimes people change their minds before and after sharing such personal things. If someone's sexuality, gender identity, or choice to be open and transparent about it is vital to your judgment of them and whether you will stick around, I'm sorry, but that is conditional, and therefore you prefer the idea of someone. Further, people are allowed to not share until they are ready or never share at all. Anyone who doesnt relinquish the fantasy that they have a say or don’t show grace and instead act entitled for others in this simple sense worries me more than a little bit. 

Final thoughts: What Harry does do is remain vague and leave things up for interpretation. Not only does that keep prejudice or conservative/religious fans from removing their loyalty cards, his image remaining malleable. Allowing Harry to make changes as he sees fit and feels like doing without adding pressure or explaining himself to anyone who doesn't have access to his privacy. That is valid. If that is queer baiting to you, you are missing the point entirely, and you don't know the definition of queer baiting. However, it’s understandable and valid if people get confused and/or feel some ways. I resonate with this entirely.

Now, what kind of person would want to be vague for the sake of prejudiced friends? In my mind, vagueness won't make real friends. However, fans ≠ friends, that is the catch. To make it far in this business as someone big and serious, sometimes you have to appeal to a broader demographic, so vagueness is advised as necessary. Hypothetically, if you were in that position as an artist, you could go the Zayn route by telling people off (mad respect) or going the standard way by being inclined to vagueness, which sometimes turns into a slow transition to transparency as the artist feels more carefree/gains more respect over the years. (understandable)

[gay-jesus-probably]

Bisexuality didn't "feel right" as a label because you're biphobic and will do anything to distance yourself from bisexuality. Get well soon, the bi community will be here when you're ready.

Are you the raging homophobe anon back for round two or a new guy? ...It doesn’t really matter, you people are all the same.

If you are the same anon, then now I’m extra pissed off at you because do you have any idea how difficult it is to make fun of your messages? You’re making this really hard for me. First you send a five word ask declaring me a homophobe with no details, and it took a lot of thinking to come up with a vaguely funny response to such a lackluster prompt. You’re a really bad improv partner.

And now you send me this shit. Sorry everybody, no jokes today, now I’m actually just fucking furious.

Let me tell you a story, anon. When I was an innocent little twelve year old back in the far of reaches of 2011, I first discovered Tumblr, and soon enough I was learning about different genders and sexualities, and began exploring my own identity. As you already know since you’re sarcastically quoting me talking about my own fucking feelings, I’d been having a minor sexuality crisis for several years at that point, since gay, straight and bisexual were the only label I’d known before then, and none of them fit me. Despite me trying all of them. Multiple times. You condescending piece of shit.All this was resolved by me stumbling across a post defining pansexuality, and that being the first and only sexual identity that’s ever actually felt right for me. It clicked instantly, and has continued to be my sexuality for literally a decade now.

But back when I first started entering the queer community, pansexuality was actually pretty controversial. So was bisexuality. The two were just lumped together actually, because according to the exclusionists back then, bi/pan people are attracted to the opposite sex, and therefor are basically just straight. Actually they rarely cared enough to bother differentiating between bisexual and pansexual people, they just lumped us all in together as a bunch of heteros pretending to be gay for attention and oppressing the real gays. What a bunch of special fucking snowflakes, pretending to be gay for attention. So there I was, a twelve year old queer kid with a brand new identity, being welcomed by a bunch of exclusionists angrily yelling about how I was definitely just a hetero faking it for attention, and being pansexual was Wrong and Bad. But it was okay, because the exclusionists knew better than me. They knew how I really felt, and what my real identity was. They could fix me. I just had to agree with everything they said and become the person they decided I was supposed to be.

I didn’t do that.

Let’s jump forward a few years. I was older, and still perfectly confident in my identity as a pansexual. I hadn’t considered any other parts of my identity. Why would I? I just never really thought much about gender. Then shortly after my fourteenth birthday, I watched a short film online about a trans boy figuring out his identity and working up the courage to come out to his mother. I don’t remember what it was called or most of the details. All I remember was the last scene where the boy and his mother got into an argument about him not feminine enough, which ended with him screaming that he wasn’t a girl. And then I unexpectedly burst into tears because neither was I.

So that was a fun surprise. Once I pulled through that unexpected sobbing breakdown in the middle of the night and re-evaluated my entire life, I realized that yeah. I really wasn’t a girl. I wasn’t a boy either. Fortunately by then I knew that nonbinary people were a thing, so I had plenty of options. I spent awhile feeling things out and experimenting with different labels and pronouns before finally settling on agender and they/them pronouns. Which was great! I felt better than ever, and was confident that I had my identity down and everything would be fine. But everything was not fine. Because I’d been so happy about the biphobia dying down that I hadn’t quite noticed the exclusionists switching targets. Now the nonbinary people were lying. What a bunch of special fucking snowflakes, pretending to be queer for attention. The ones who wanted to medically transition were declared to actually be poor confused trans people who couldn’t get over their internalized transphobia to accept their True Identities. And the rest of us... well, we were just a bunch of cishet special snowflakes playing at being trans for attention, and oppressing the real trans people. I wasn’t agender. I was a cis girl making up fake identities for attention, and calling myself nonbinary was Wrong and Bad. But it was okay, because the exclusionists knew better than me. They knew how I really felt, and what my real identity was. They could fix me. I just had to agree with everything they said and become the person they decided I was supposed to be.

I didn’t do that.

Step forward a few more years, now to eighteen year old me. There’s no dramatic revelations or long struggles this time, just a slow realization. Because I’d been single for years, and I wasn’t bothered by that. I actually enjoyed it. Marriage didn’t sound very appealing. Neither did dating. I’d dated people before, but I wasn’t sure if I actually wanted to; it was just... the thing I was supposed to do. I found people attractive, sure. But I hadn’t wanted to flirt with anyone. Actually, now that I was thinking about it, had I ever felt romantically attracted to anyone? I didn’t even want romance in fiction! So I experimented. Went on some dates just in case age made it more appealing (it didn’t). Began calling myself aromantic, and was pleasantly surprised to find that the longer I used it, the better it felt. It was right.

But once again, the exclusionists were back and even angier than ever. Because now aphobia was in full swing. After all, asexuality wasn’t really queer. It’s just not having sex! It’s basically straight! What a bunch of special fucking snowflakes, pretending to be queer for attention. And the aromantics, oh the aromantics who weren’t asexual were even worse. Because everyone knows that love is what makes us human. How could someone not feel romance? Us aro people weren’t just lying about our identities, we were pretending to not have feelings so that we could get away with using people for sex without commitment. Being aro meant I was an abusive sex crazed monster taking advantage of all the poor innocent allo’s. I wasn’t aromantic. I was a sexual predator making up a fake identity to take advantage of people, and even though I wasn’t actually sleeping around calling myself aro was Bad and Wrong. But it was okay, because the exclusionists knew better than me. They knew how I really felt, and what my real identity was. They could fix me. I just had to agree with everything they said and become the person they decided I was supposed to be.

And I didn’t fucking do that.

Look. I’ve been here for a very long time, and I have dealt with so many versions of exclusionist bullshit. Every aspect of my identity has been met with random fucking strangers online smugly informing me that I was wrong about myself and they were right. And that’s just the ones that wanted me to pretend to be something else; about half of the exclusionists didn’t make any attempts at conversion therapy, and instead skipped straight to suicide baiting. I’m not even getting into the actual homophobes I’ve had to deal with, or the TERF’s that have come after me under the assumption that I’m a trans woman. My point is, I’m pretty fucking used to this sort of thing.

This just hurts a little more, because like I said earlier, the first round of exclusionism I faced was just expanded biphobia. And the bi/pan community banded together in the face of that. We weren’t the exact same identities, but we were being treated the same, and we were similar enough that nobody really minded the difference. It was wonderful. Bi and pan people were a tightly knit group, and that was a sense of community I desperately needed when I was young. I’ve been seeing this coming for awhile. There’s been increasing amounts of bi people getting drawn in by exclusionist bullshit, and I’ve seen anti-pansexual sentiment growing. I just... really hoped it wouldn’t get this far. It’s sad, y’know? It feels like losing an old friend. I’m really disappointed that you think trying to force people out of their community is right. It’s fucking pathetic, and I hope that someday you’ll rediscover basic compassion and realize how much damage you’re doing to yourself and others. This sort of thing doesn’t help the bisexual community. It drives people away. It’s like the damage that TERF’s have done to the lesbian community; this sort of thing poisons the whole well. I hope you re-evaluate what you’re doing and find a more healthy mindset.

...But also at the same time: Who the fuck do you think you are? Take your condescending bullshit and shove it directly up your ass you fucking waste of oxygen. How the fuck dare you. Do you realize the fucking audacity it takes to claim to know someone's identity better than they do? You self centered egotistical douchebag. Your parents should feel ashamed for having raised such an utter failure of a human being. I’d tell you to go fuck yourself, but I can already tell you beat off twice a day to how fucking clever you think you are. If you ever darken my inbox again you’d better be damn sure you keep it anonymous, because if I find you I’ll kick your fucking teeth in, you smug piece of shit.

[drake-the-incubus]

This is a gift for @striderhell from the Homestuck Secret Santa 2020 (@homestuckss). I was aiming for 3000 words but uh, Dirk as a muse didn’t want to continue exploring the concept of gender given his rigid but philosophical nature.

I hope this was good, and if not just gimme a shout and I’ll try and come up with something better. 

Word Count: 1521 Fandom: Homestuck Characters: Dirk Strider, Roxy Lalonde Relationships: Dirk Strider & Roxy Lalonde (Platonic/Friends)

Additional Notes: Roxy uses He/Him and They/Them, I’ve never finished the epilogues but I love NB Rox. Dirk uses no pronouns in this, as I wanted to try that out. 

Please enjoy Dirk exploring his gender. 

Sometimes in an effort to define ourselves, we feel trapped to conform to some rigid aspect or label in hopes to reach an understanding of who we are. At times this process can be frustrating and dissatisfying. Other people take weeks or days, and some of them take years or never figure it out. 

Perhaps gender, as a construct, can’t be fully understood, but we can understand ourselves as people without it. The tale before you, is only a short of someone who wishes to take a journey many end up doing, and most have never encountered.

Dirk was sitting in a cafe on Earth-C, sipping on a coffee in between tinkering with another pair of shades. The goal was updating and adding a better set of graphics, hoping to add some additional features to make things easier.

It had been a while since the Prince of Heart had seen the rest of the gods. Jake would visit once in a while, and they would have a friendly spar or talk. Roxy would message once in a while, letting Dirk know any spicy news about the rest.

Dave would randomly show up, they would stare each other down before both Striders would give a thumbs up and go their separate ways.

Rose would often come by, trading witty banter and wisdom. Both of them struggled with the massive impact of their god tiers and would often talk about it to one another.

Today though, Dirk decided a change of area would suit this project best, specifically needing to leave the workshop and enjoy some caffeine. Recently a problem developed that would continue to nag at the Prince even through the night. Lack of sleep was the reason why Dirk had picked a coffee shop. It made the most sense.

Gender did not.

Dirk had been going through a lot lately, and when Roxy had come out as trans, it had been taken pretty well by most of them. Not that it would be different if Dirk came out either, but rather that would take knowing what was going on.

This was a laughable moment, since they all had beaten the game, made it out and enjoyed their own little home in the midst of nothing. Creating entire worlds and civilizations with the help of their space and time players, but Dirk was sitting there, in a cafe, trying to figure out what gender even was and how it related to the god’s own identity.

Pronouns were hard, but so was even figuring this shit out. Making a copy of your brain at thirteen was much easier than figuring out if you’re cis or not, and Dirk didn’t know.

The more it was thought about, the more the thought cropped up, what if it turned out the being Cis wasn’t the result. Dirk was absolutely sure about not being a chick, nothing really appealed about that, but then again there was a very similar feeling over the current gender.

Man, agender or woman. Those were the categories that presented themselves currently. Working harder to connect the shades to the newly built chip, Dirk jolted when suddenly Roxy sat down across the table.

“I called out to you, but you didn’t answer.” He said leaning over and looking over the project. “I was wondering what made you change location, you’re pretty adamant to work in your workshop Dirkie.”

“I needed to think, which I was doing when you were calling out to me. Thinking so hard about creating a new line of orange pop with more caffeine than this cup of coffee that the world died out and I was left to only the one set of thoughts for once.”

He raised an eyebrow at that, and crossed his arms. “Really now? You think that I can’t tell something bigger is going on in that Strider head of yours? You’ve come up with projects while having a philosophical discussion with Rose and texting Dave a rap battle. You’re the king of multi-tasking, which also means your attention is usually divided more, and you’re attempting to put a wire on the wrong side of that.”

Dirk frowned and sighed, putting the project down. “Well, I can’t get nothing past you I suppose. I guess one thing that’s on my mind is how much I miss AR, since he was a good source of introspection, then again I have no idea if that would have helped in the first place.” Tapping fingers filled the space between them as the Prince looked outside at the billions of humans and trolls walking over the streets.

“I’ve been contemplating what gender is and how I relate to it since you came out as nonbinary. It’s been making me think about what is my gender, and I’ve come to the conclusion none of them really fit, but that’s also something to worry about since that means I don’t relate to any of the options-“

“Before you go on a long tangent, I want to ask, what are the options?” He interrupted Dirk while cocking his head.

“Agender, man and woman.” Dirk said bluntly, staring at Roxy. The laughter that resulted made the god tip the iconic shades down to stare at Roxy with deadpan orange eyes.

“I get greeted by your eye colour, score! But no, you got it all wrong, gender isn’t rigid categories, it’s a spectrum. You can’t define it by strict labels and there’s too many to count. So you don’t fit in three, there’s millions of genders. Some might not have a word for it right now. I’m nonbinary, but that’s because I’m not a man or a woman completely, I’m somewhere in the middle, closer to a man if I were to describe it as like, a sliding scale. So don’t be in a hurry, and don’t worry if you don’t figure it out.”

“I need to. Not knowing makes things difficult. I know it might be unhealthy to obsess over, but ever since I made Auto Responder, I had the need to understand myself fully and everything about myself.” With an elbow on the table, Dirk took a hand and raked it through the mess of hair. Having done so more than a hundred times earlier, the Prince was sure it was a complete and utter mess at this point, and would need to be taken care of at home.

“Well, I have a list of some of the other more known ones, maybe one of them check out for you?” He offered a tablet.

Dirk took it, and looked over the list of options and each description of it, mumbling under breath before placing the tablet back down with a definite, “I’m going to use Genderless for now and see what happens.” It looked interesting, the excerpt specifically outlined not having a gender at all due to neurodivergence, rather than lacking a gender or having no gender, different from agender. It didn’t feel much different from everything else, but nothing did. Having several of the entries be defined by one’s neurodivergence was weird, but the more thought placed into the concept, the more it felt real to Dirk. Rather it meant that the Prince would have to take Rose up on her offer to get a fully evaluation soon, even if both of them came to the conclusion Dirk was probably neurodivergent and that it wasn’t impactful with how the god had lived life before the game. 

“Are there any pronouns I should use for you?”

Pursing lips, Dirk gave a shake of the head. “None preferably. I think I need more time to actually think everything over. I have no positive or negative feelings for anything on there, and so I’m debating on if I’m everything or not. I can figure out how to make an exact replica of my own brain as a teenager, create robots, plot out the exact way I can kiss Jake and even save everyone's lives getting into the game. I’ve designed complex interactions to lead to the outcome I desire, and I can’t even pick a gender. This is quite frankly, ridiculous.”

“You don’t gotta. Dirk, it’s not about just picking a gender, it’s about figuring out a big part of yourself, and something most people don’t do for yours. You figured out you’re gay, now you’re figuring out what else you could be.” He placed a hand on Dirk’s and gave him a smile. “Whatever your result, I’m here for you. Even if you later think you’re a Cis man I’ll still be here for you. We might be siblings but we were friends first and that matters the most to me.”

Dirk gave a snort. “This is so fucking corny, but thanks Rox. I appreciate the love and support. Maybe I can treat you to another coffee since I feel like if I don’t buy one soon I’m going to be kicked out for making a mess of a window table.” Motioning towards the table, and standing up, the god stretched out. “What are you in the mood for?”

“Caramel Macchiato please.”

“Gotcha.”

[butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker]

I'm glad we are talking more about "gay genders" and the way that being LG can often produce genderweird experiences, which aren't exactly transgender but are also not uncomplicatedly cis. It's always been true, but I'm happy that there's more discussion and visibility.

But team, the next step is absolutely to consider bisexual people. We are comfortable seeing cis[ish] gay men and women embrace these complicated gender places, it kinda figures, it makes sense, it feels organic. But why shouldn't this be equally true of bisexual people? (It's because on some level, we are seen as essentially straight, as straight people who sometimes have same-sex relationships)

there's no real reason why, if we accept that gay people often develop ideosyncratic genders, that bi people wouldn't too. Possibly, the gaygenders of bisexual people would be even more peculiar, because they are passing through straight and gay spaces, through same and opposite sex relationships, it's super messy.

I've thought before that perhaps we might understand the development of genderqueer, non-binary, agender identities as a bisexual thing. This isn't to erase people with those identities who are monosexual; but I guess I would like to survey how many "straight in every possible way except my gender" people are in these communities, because I suspect it's...very few. On the other hand, I think both bisexuality and asexuality would absolutely predict people who grow up watching gender on the television, and thinking "I'm not really any of these genders". Or, in reverse, I think being non-binary or genderqueer would predict people who can't exactly say whether they are gay or straight, and who would grow up watching gender on television thinking "I have no idea how I fit into any of these relationship structures".

And some partial evidence for this is looking at bisexual community heroes - Bowie, Prince, Janelle Monae, Lady Gaga, Annie Lennox - and observing that not only are they all subverting gender, they're doing it in similar ways, they're part of a recognisable bi genderweird tradition. This includes being kinda circumspect about whether or not they are gay while giving off gay vibes; artificiality and theatricality, but not quite in a camp way; and gender non-conformity. You've got Bowie and Gaga presenting their bodies as alien/other; you've got Lennox and Monae in suits, but in a very sharp and dapper way - not your traditional comfy/earthy butch, it's far more theatrical; you've got Prince's abundance of gender cues, combining feminine dress and styling with almost parodically heterosexual lyrics.

Gaga draws from drag culture, and I think you could also understand Monae as a drag queen (but both of these are gay male artforms). Gaga makes explicit reference in Telephone to the rumours that she is is a man (that people are making assumptions about her gendered body; but this is transmisogynist). Gaga is out as bisexual; she's a cis woman (as far as we know), but her stage persona is being understood as similar to a trans woman, or similar to a gay man. We aren't able to find words for where we place her gender and sexuality, because we aren't recognising that this mess of gender cues...could be a bisexual gender thing. Monae is non-binary, and has written het songs and sapphic songs and a stomping bi anthem. But, for the longest period of time, wasn't putting a label on any of this, aside from that one song about how "I want to be a queer/queen". Queen, of course, being another male-pattern-gay community term. Being a "no labels bisexual" isn't necessarily internalised biphobia or a superiority complex; it can reflect a genuine feeling of vagueness and uncertainty about where to plant your flag. A vagueness which is perhaps inextricable from an equally vague sense of how to fit into a binary gender. Meanwhile, Lennox is heavily involved in AIDS activism. She's clearly identified gay and bisexual men as "her tribe".

Lennox and Prince - who, as far as we know, are straight - but they seem pretty gay - and isn't that the bi experience in a nutshell, isn't that part of their appeal for specifically bisexual audiences? All five performers are characterised by...being simultaneously very out and very closeted. Again, I think that's relatable: a profound desire to be visible, but also a lack of certainty/confidence/ability to define what kind of queer you are. Bisexuality is inherently mute: you are assumed to be what you appear to be. Should we be surprised, then, if bisexual genders seem to take the pattern of "I don't know what I am or where I fit - and neither will you"

So I don't know whether I have the evidence to argue this, but I do think there's an...afab bisexual gender which is blending cues which say "I am a gay woman" and "I am a gay man", or rather, "I am a queer person, and queerness is indivisible from who I am, and so I see myself in queer people who date women and in queer people who date men". And that we should not be at all surprised or disdainful or judgemental or gatekeeping to see bisexual and genderqueer people L existing in this "I'm simultaneously L, G, B and T" place. That's the reality of having a gender/sexuality that never really fits anywhere, which can never really be visible or articulated as it's own thing. One knows one is queer, one reaches for whatever representation and visibility one can get, and it's a magpie gender.

(I don't have any evidence of the opposite dynamic, of bi men being very into lesbian culture or identification or modes of behavior. Perhaps this is a counter argument. But you often can't map the experiences of queer men and queer women neatly together (gay ones, transgender ones...), so maybe this is another example of that. But I would not be surprised at all to find out that femme bi men were into butches, for example.)

CONCLUSION: it is intuitively correct to me that bisexual people would experience genderweird as part of their bisexuality, just as many gay people do. I have some theories about what these genders might look like, but I want to emphasise that I don't think they are objectively correct (there are non-bisexual people in the gender spaces in describe; and I would not dream of beginning to try and gatekeep them as bisexual-exclusive). At the same time, I think it would be politically valuable and personally helpful to bisexual people to develop a sense that bisexual genders exist; that they can be a source of pride rather than embarrassment; that our genders aren't just a mimicry of gaygenders or straight ones but can have characteristically bi elements and be part of a bi tradition; to have confidence and joy in the ways our genders don't fit neatly into straight or gay frameworks, and that we might have additional needs in relationships to affirm our gender place; that being bisexual might bring on actual dysphoria, that being bisexual might bring on things which makes neither cis nor trans frameworks a fit for you...and all that jazz. Bi people may very well develop genderweird that is similar or indistinguishable from gay genderweird; but also produce unique genderweirds of our own.

TL;RDR: being bisexual can produce genderweird, just as being gay does. We should assert this more confidently. It might produce uniquely bisexual genders. We should explore and document these possibilities. We shouldn't do this with a goal to be an asshole to others, because gatekeeping things helps nobody.

[jameseros-blog]

My personal struggle with GD

**Trigger Warning -- talk of genitals, sex, transphobia, and misogyny** This is a vent post about my feelings surrounding my gender dysphoria, how I figured out I almost definitely have it, and why my family would probably think I'm faking because of tucutes making trans people look like clowns. It is unorganized, entirely too long, might not make sense, and I'm positive I'm forgetting big details. I just need to get this off my chest though.

All throughout my life I've hated my body, and even though I could try to blame it on other problems, I had some pretty clear signs of gender dysphoria even before my life got fucked up. It all seemed normal to me though. I could rationalize it. I'm too masculine to fit in with girls; autistic females have a tendency to function on the same social level as neurotypical men. That makes sense. I hate my body; I definitely don't look like the girls I would like to date. That makes sense. I feel like cutting off my female chest and sometimes guiltily wish for a horrible disease that requires its removal; I'm a CSA survivor and was bullied in elementary school for my early development. That makes sense.

In middle school something started to happen that I couldn't explain though. I developed a "phantom penis". It actually felt like I had a fully functioning dick. I asked a guy friend what a boner felt like and he described what I felt perfectly. I never told anyone what I felt though. I just made a joke out of it. Whenever I felt a "hard on" I'd whisper to my friends "Suck my dick" or "My dick is hurting". We constantly made dick jokes so nothing seemed off about it. I liked the feeling of it. It upset me that it wasn't real. The feeling came around less often in high school and I wrote it off as nothing.

The inkling of negative sexual habits was already in place in 4th grade, but I fell into truly self destructive sexual habits in high school. I felt unsatisfied with life and everything regarding my existence. Every day was a chore I could barely manage. I wanted something to fill up how empty my life felt. I started using my tits to get free food in 4th grade. I would tell a couple of guys that I'd show them my tits on the last day of school if they would give me what ever food I wanted from them for the rest of the year. This took place up until 7th grade where they stopped believing me because I never held up my end of the promise. It didn't matter too much though because at this point they were already used to giving me food.

As 8th grade ended I noticed how unnaturally masculine I felt, even more so than before, like it didn't really fit my body. It was getting harder to blame it on my autism. That scared me so I went seeking some sort of validation that I was a woman. I found my first boyfriend. I've never really been one for romance, so our relationship quickly turned into something sexual. The entire thing made me uncomfortable. I hated the whole ordeal. I didn't really find him all that attractive, but I pretended to fairly convincingly. Neither of us wanted to be purely sexual, but it was the only thing I knew how to do so I kept being this sexual creature I hardly liked and barely knew. He broke up with me because we never really talked anymore and when we were together I always ended up sucking his dick. It was fine. I never stayed true to our relationship. I was sending nudes to people on the internet. They made me feel like I was a pretty girl, the kind I fantasized about. I could escape my real self and be someone else on the internet. It always felt like I was catfishing them. I never felt as feminine as I portrayed myself online.

My 10th grade year of high school I dated one of my ex boyfriend's best friends. The same thing happened as my last relationship. I'd try to change how unnaturally male I felt by being in the most misogynisticly feminine role I could think of. The first time I had "real" sex it felt good, but something was off about it. And I don't mean in the "the first time always sucks" kind of way. I'm a firm believer in if you are fully comfortable with a person and you both know each other's boundaries and there isn't any judgment between you, then there won't be anything uncomfortable about sex. We had all these things, but I still felt uncomfortable. Then he went down on me. I had another "phantom dick" moment; I could imagine him sucking me off as if I had a penis. That's when the discomfort ended. I couldn't explain that so I told no one and wrote it off as nothing.

I've always heard mentions of trans people in passing throughout my life. In 3rd grade I heard my friend call another boy a "he-she". When I asked him what that was he said it's a guy who dresses and acts like a girl. In middle school I learned there were surgeries to give males female genitals. In 9th grade my science teacher corrected a girl when she said "they have to cut off their balls and turn their dick inside out" in reference to mtf bottom surgery. I saw an article that same year about a man that gave birth and learned that ftm trans people exist. In that same 9th grade science class a girl mentioned the size of my chest when expressing her desire for bigger breasts. I spilled my guts about how much I hated having them. I realized that it wasn't a natural thing when other big chested girls told me it wasn't nearly as bad as I explained. It confused me that they didn't feel the same. At this point I still didn't know what GD was or what it actually meant to be trans.

I started to watch Blaire White. That set me on the path of finding more and more trans YouTubers. I connected to them in ways I didn't really understand. I felt less like an alien while watching their videos. I never connected this to my being trans though. They all had the same story of knowing when they were young. I never questioned my identity when I was young. I always just existed. When I look back at it I think I honestly should have questioned myself. If I weren't autistic I probably would have.

When I was young, about 4 or 5, it was the easiest thing in the world for me to just drop everything about being a girl so I could become James. This was done after hearing my dad say he wished he had a son. I insisted I was James for almost a year. Now that I'm older my nana has told me my dad was worried I might actually be trans and he didn't want me getting bullied when I go to school. He died when I was 5 or 6; this explains something that I'll touch on later.

Even after the James phase ended I prided myself on my masculine tendencies. I was proud to be "basically the son" of the family and "basically the brother" of my sisters. With my step dad we would make jokes about having a "guys night out". I would even try to dress as boyish as possible to get mistaken as a boy. One time I cried when a boy told me "I know you're a girl". When I found out girls could have beards I was extremely jealous and was confused by the fact I couldn't grow one. I've always hated long hair I always wanted it cut short in a boy's haircut. In middle school my friends told me I write like a guy as an insult, but I thought it was a genuine compliment. I've always had an obsession with extreme body modification. The idea that I could escape my body and look however I want was always appealing to me.

When I was young I held the belief that my thoughts and personality were exactly the same as a boy's. That was the reason I preferred to hang with guys. That was why I would feel happy when I was described as one of the guys. It was why I didn't connect with girls the same way as guys. When I was diagnosed with autism, I thought it explained why I felt like an alien among other girls, and why I fit perfectly with guys, and why my thoughts were so male to me. When I learned what GD was, it fit me too, but I thought I couldn't have it cause I didn't recognize it when I was young. Then I started watching the podcast 'You're So Brave' hearing the way they found out they were trans hit closer to home than any other time I heard stories of people discovering they're trans. I was still very iffy on if I had GD or not though. Kovu uploaded a video recently it basically sealed my belief that I have GD. I decided to list off all the ways I wish I could look. The look I created is absurdly masculine; tall, hairy, tatted, and rough. I couldn't be exactly that though. I'm far too short. Besides I'm not as one dimensional as that. I love the elegance of romantic goths and muted pastels are my favorite aesthetic. I love crop tops and even dresses. I'm very effeminate for a man. A lot of people hate on gnc trans guys, but honestly I relate to them hard. I'm still not 100 percent sure of my gender though. The only thing I know for sure is that I need my female chest gone.

Before I even started to question myself, I've heard my step dad's opinion on trans people. "There is no such thing as a third gender! I don't understand why these trans people keep trying to push this idea!" he says in reference to a completely binary trans woman who only wants to be seen as a woman and not a third gender. I defend them by saying the vast majority of trans people are completely binary, don't believe in three genders, and want to be fully recognized as the gender they transition to. He continues to think tucutes are the only kind of trans people there are and generalizes all trans people saying they all have the "76 genders" ideology. He thinks all trans women are instantly recognizable by their adam's apple despite the fact there is a reduction surgery and lots of cis women have prominent adam's apples. I won't even try to bring up non binary people to him. He'd never understand. My mom has backed him up on this multiple times. I can't come out to them. It's too dangerous. My step dad is a violent man that gets into lots of fights. (He's never hit me or my family; don't worry.) He has threatened to kick me out before and I know he and my mom have seriously considered it within the last year. I don't know if me coming out could result in my homelessness.

You may be thinking "You're 18, just move out." To that I say: I absolutely would, if I could. I'm autistic. It's a disability that leaves me unable to drive and makes it difficult to maintain a job. Not to mention no one has prepared me for living alone. I have a friend I could go to, but I don't want to live somewhere and not be able to give back to them in some way.

All I really want is to know for sure whether I have gender dysphoria or not. The only problem with that is all of the gender therapist in my area (deep south Alabama) have practices that sound eerily similar to conversion therapy. Even if I do come out and move in with my friend, I won't be able to get therapy or a diagnosis.

[echoequinox]

Okay, so, it’s time for me to rant about Princess Turdina. Obviously, there will be spoilers, so if you haven’t watched it yet, scoot on past.

This episode was… bad. Like, really bad? I’d like to specifically hear from other trans women like myself, but yeah, wow. This was… a bad fuckin’ allegory.

SO. From the very beginning of the episode, Marco is worried about “coming clean”, and how they “can’t keep lying”. From the get-go we have this crisis between Marco’s assigned gender and their assumed one, which is COMPLETELY contrasting to previous episodes like St. O’s and Heinous, wherein it was just assumed that it was fine that Marco was being who they were, and presenting how they wanted. Gender had not come up in ANY way until this episode. Being a princess was just… being a princess.

Then you’ve got the line from Princess Arms about “if you weren’t being honest about who you are, then this whole school would be built on a lie!” essentially shaming Marco for having represented themselves in a different way during their first time in St. O’s.

(Obligatory shoutout to the Whispering Gardens for once again saying All Girls Gossip, nice stereotyping, what an amazing progressive show)

The lines from Goat Princess (“You showed us that all princesses don’t have to fit into the same mold”), Ponyhead (“You are SO much more fun as Turdina!”), and Marco themselves (“I’m so beautiful…!”) in the following scene really drives home that this episode IS meant to be a trans allegory, whether or not it’s explicit, but then is QUICKLY followed up with Star’s “Well he should tell the truth, like a decent human being” as if not outing themselves is a fucking capital crime.

After the statue scene, Star and Ponyhead do an emotional tug of war on Marco, in which Star says Marco should “Tell the truth” and Ponyhead insists that Marco is happier and should do as they please. The framing of the argument, in that Ponyhead is always displayed as more emotional and almost always in the wrong for these things, frames the narrative that Marco SHOULD be taking Star’s advice, and that they should “Tell the truth like a decent human being”. Star’s been wrong before, but in this instance, they really frame her decision as the right thing to do.

Marco then, on stage, attempts to out themselves, but before they can, Heinous LITERALLY EXPOSES THEIR BODY ON STAGE, OUTING THEM TO THE SCHOOL. THIS IS INEXCUSABLE, WHY IS THIS FUCKING IN AKID’S SHOW. I get that it was just their chest hair, but I’m fucking so mad at this scene, and it’s ridiculous that not only was this allowed, but also that the crew even THOUGHT to put this in a fucking episode, I’m SO mad. Then the fact that Marco is a boy SHOCKS the audience.

They then attempt - in a bad, hamfisted way - to let Marco know that “He can be a princess if he wants to!” and claiming “Turdina is a state of mind!”. They drive Heinous out, blah blah. Star states that Marco looks like “You can breathe a lot easier now” and Marco jokes that it’s because they’re out of the dress, which is like… I guess it feels like Marco thought the whole thing didn’t really matter? Like, that it wasn’t a big deal? And then it goes back to Heinous and how she’s Eclipsa’s daughter but ANYWAY.

The theme and tone of the show is up and down and up and down and it feels… I mean, I guess it feels like cis people trying to write a Trans Lesson, which it literally is, and it’s never a fucking good idea. It was blunt allegories and trying to take the middle road to appeal to both trans Marco fans and also those who dislike the theory, but it just DOESN’T work. Not in an episode where Marco’s gender is the whole POINT.

It was all just… bad. I wasn’t hoping for this to outright confirm trans Marco OBVIOUSLY, because the crew is too scared to do that, even with other shows like Andi Mack confirming their gays. What I WAS hoping for was some acceptance and some confirming of Marco’s femininity and, I guess, breadcrumbs, leading us toward the eventual canon of Marco being trans. Instead the crew basically said “Hey look another St. O’s episode and also let’s talk about GENDER and how BAD IT IS to LIE TO PEOPLE” and it was just a shitty fucking episode.

Honestly if this is how the SvtFoE crew is going to handle transness, I’d just rather them fucking not. Let us write our fanfiction, and have our art, and just… leave trans Marco out of the show if you’re going to do this shit.

[keiths-stupid-mullet]

Alriiiight, more asks under the cut!! I don’t mind answering these, I just put them together to avoid spamming the blog too much, especially since a lot of them have some heavy topics in them. Don’t feel bad for sending them in though^^

1. NSJDKFHB LMAO RIP ANON - I wouldn’t have gotten the reference either, sorry :’D If I was the girl in question, I wouldn’t have been offended though if you explained it. I mean, if you’re comfortable enough to joke about my identity in a non-harmful way that’s actually a positive sign, right? :P

2. There is nothing bad about being cis. There is nothing bad about being heteroromantic. There is nothing bad about being heterosexual. There is nothing bad about being ace. You don’t deserve hate for any of these, just as much as others don’t deserve hate for being trans or gay. That is a fact. People are protesting for LGBT+ rights because we are human beings and deserve respect; stripping others from that respect isn’t gonna do them any good. 

Again. You don’t deserve hate for being who you are. If your friend is doing it in a joking manner, just discreetly tell them that it makes you uncomfortable. If they aren’t doing it in a joking manner... excuse me for this but fuck them. Not cool. Talking about privilege is different from spewing hate. If they can’t understand that even after it was pointed out for them, you might want to distance yourself from them. 

You are a human being, you deserve to be treated with respect, and anyone that doesn’t agree with that isn’t worth your time.

3. ...“message” like private messaging here? You are free to message me anytime, for any reason. In your case it might be a good idea to help determine if your dad is mentally abusive - although I am not an expert on that. I’m not getting abused from my family, friends or (non-existent) partner. Sure, my parents can be assholes sometimes and they are rather strict with a few rules, but that doesn’t equate abuse. My experience with (mental) abuse is limited to my first driving instructor, so keep that in mind if you decide to come to me!!

But assuming that your dad is mentally abusive. What can you do?

Again, I’m not speaking from experience, but the best thing I can think of is to tell an adult that you trust. Your mom? A teacher? A friend who might be willing to bring you to their parents? A distant relative that you might only see twice a year but is really nice? 

Experienced adults (!! don’t take someone who just turned 18!) have the power to help. They can help you go over the next few steps. If it’s bad enough, they can be on your side and contact social services. Find a therapist. When it comes to mental damage done to you by your dad, they are the best people to help. (Though that might be difficult if your dad won’t allow it.)

Basically just. Make sure you have a network of support around you. Don’t let your dad isolate yourself, that’s dangerous. It helps with getting you back on your feet and it definitely helps if you have to escape that place. 

4. I’m really not that amazing, I’m just good at pretending :P

This is gonna sound very anxiety-inducing but in my experience the best thing to do is to straight up ask :’D Like, just approach them with “hey, are you around town this weekend?” “are you free this tuesday?” “I’ve heard of ____ that reminded me of you, we should check it out sometime.” Something like that. Your intentions are pretty clear, but the statements are worded so that the other one can still pretend not to have noticed/give excuses if they don’t want to meet up.

Just. Don’t think about it too much. They are your friends, right? I’m sure stuff will work itself out^^ 

5. Wanting labels or not wanting them is both perfectly fine, don’t worry about that!! It makes sense to want them, it gives you a sense of security and understanding from others. It also makes sense not to want them, to limit yourself to something that might not describe you in your entirety. Both opinions are okay, neither of them is wrong.

As for your label - as far as I have heard, bi and pan have become pretty much synonymous these last few years. I’m not sure why they both still exist, especially with different flags and all... yeah. I don’t know much about this topic though, don’t take my word for what I just said :’D

You’re not weird for “judging people after gender”. I’m not sexually attracted to anyone, but I am biromantic, so I know that it feels different. Like. Not bad different. It’s just.... green and blue are both pretty colors, yeah? Sometimes blue fits my mood better, sometimes green does. Sometimes these preferences last for a long time but in the end I like them both. A shitty metaphor but you get my drift :P I saw a textpost once that said something along the lines of ‘being attracted to boys feels like “oooooh” and being attracted to girls feels like “aaaaah”’ and I can very much relate to that lmao

If you want a label, you will find one at some point. Maybe you are on the aromantic spectrum. Maybe pan was the label you were looking for, you just needed clarification on the above thing. You could try to google sexualities and see if anything appeals to you :D

6. Actually, I’m pretty sure that I’m asexual. Like. Asexual-asexual. I don’t feel sexual attraction, which makes me ace. My attitude towards sex is removed from that :P I’d describe myself as a sex-neutral asexual. (At least right now, I haven’t even gotten close to having sex yet, so I can’t be entirely sure.)

7. ........why is this controversial? D:

That’s okay. That’s 100% okay. A//ura is a character like every other, it’s okay to dislike her. You don’t need a reason to dislike a ship or a character or a plotline or, heck, a color. You can absolutely have one, but you don’t need one. 

For example, I didn’t like Sh/ro very much until he disappeared after s2. There was no reason for it. (Or maybe there was, we act way too similar lmao) I only really started liking A//ura in s3 - I bet you can guess the episode :P I liked her since s2 with the “yAY SOMETHING SPARKLY” scene but it took me longer to really warm up to her. It is perfectly fine to like or dislike characters and it’s perfectly fine to change your opinion on that later ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[thestuckylibrary]

The straight writers + mlm fic thing. I'm totally bummed that sounded like a dig at cis straight fans for being into + supportng m/m ships. Why s it bad for us to support slash ships just cause we're straight? LGBTQ writers matter + we need more of them, y'all! just why does our work mean less when we're here for and supprt those LGBTQ people and writiers? an I'm writing for everyone y'all, not just straight gals. We should support each other equally + not put others down dude

No one is putting you down, or saying you shouldn’t support or create content for slash ships. We’re just saying as fans writing about queer people, specifically mlm, we shouldn’t treat straightness and cisness as neutral or the simple fact that we are writing slash as allyship. We’re talking about queer issues, specifically mlm issues in fandom, and by sending an ask like this you are placing yourself in the role of a victim, which you are not. While I’m not mlm, I am queer. disclaimer that I’m not mlm I’m just a queer woman whos trying to show some solidarity. I’m not an authority by any means, I’m just riled and trying to put forth opinions Ive seen mlm give and you know, not hide from the fact that fandom isn’t perfect. but do note that I’m a cis, albeit queer, woman writing this, not mlm. 

We’re not saying your work is less or that you shouldn’t be here, we’re just saying, hey maybe engage with what you’re writing a little more critically and don’t act as though your writing is for everyone unless you are actively listening to mlm about problems that show up when women, particularly straight cis women, write about mlm.

As usual I could not keep it brief for the life of me so I put most of my queer rage under the cut

Ok so first off you have the whole side of fandom (once again, not mlm, but women, in my experience mostly cis straight women) that like calls bucky their “sad gay baby” or “smol sad gay” and calls m/m erotic fic things along the lines of “filthy sinful gay smut”. I can totally understand why this makes mlm uncomfortable, I mean like who wants their non heterosexuality to be the defining trait that makes them appealing to straight people, who would want their love to be routinely called sinful and filthy by a community that claims to love them? Seriously guys take a step back and think about how it would feel to have someone talk about you like that. 

I read a huge wonderful post by a bunch of mlm in fandom a while ago and I’ll sum up a little of it here. Basically it’s absolutely wonderful to have a huge community devoted to create content about lgbt+ characters. It’s amazing to have a space where people can come together and create content where queer people get happy endings and we can explore all sorts of themes all with lgbt characters. But since slash has a huge number of women, cishet or lgbt+, writing about lgbt+ men, stuff can get a not great. 

For example, its really, really common to see top/bottom debates among fans. It’s one thing for mlm to identify as a top or bottom, it’s a whole other for women to sit there and debate which character fits in which static role. The whole thing reeks of deciding whos the “man” and whos the “woman” all to appease (usually and I am speaking from experience, not statistics or anything) straight cis women. We used to have a mod here who was a sex therapist and she talked a lot about how top/bottom debates are a really stereotypical way to look at queer mens relationships and as they are now its basically all about perceived gender roles and fetishization which like, is one of those things that should be putting up a red flag. She also talked a bit about how statistically it’s pretty likely that most gay couples don’t even really have penetrative sex and stick to mostly oral, intercural and hand stuff. And I’ve seen like so many mlm say that the whole top/bottom debate in fandom is homophobic as fuck time and time again and people just keep on going. Randos (especailly straight people) debating whos penetrating and whos being penetrated in a gay relationship as static roles is really. hoo. yikes. You also see things like only trans writers writing trans men who top, which speaks volumes. While what you read and write is up to you, it’s a good idea to look at why these trends happen and how they happen and what they do. 

You also see a lot, like A LOT of unsafe sex practices because they’re “not hot otherwise” Just to start, me, a bi ace woman, cringes when I’m reading a fic and someone just shoves their dick into an asshole with like only some kissing as warm up. No. If you did that in real life, it would straight up just be painful and cause anal tearing. Also: rimming with no cleaning first? Like ok if you really think its hot to plunge a tongue into a dirty asshole, go for it but like, really? It takes literally one sentences to add in like “oh hey I did an enema and cleaned up before you got here” before delving into sex. It takes one sentence to do the same for lube oh my god seriously unlubed anal sex no matter the gender is just gonna lead to either 1. dick or toy stuck in asshole, 2. severe anal tearing, 3. both and even more delicate skin and tissue related injuries. While I’m on it if you are a vagina owner, or a penis owner or somewhere in between and are interested in playing with genitals, you should be using lube if you aren’t already. lube is your friend. 

While it’s not content creators duty to make sure people know how to have safe sex, it’s pretty troubling that unsafe m/m sex is looked at as being “hot” in a very particular way. From what I understand, proper prep is a vital, vital part of gay sex and woman saying fics that show proper prep aren’t “”hot”” and fics that don’t show it are, that speaks to a broader problem. 

Anyways this is me, a womans thoughts on the matter synthesized from reading a bunch of posts by mlm discussing the way them and stories about them are treated in fandom and it’s honestly better to just like, read their opinions. I tried my best here but I am still a woman and therefore don’t fully understand mlm experience (not that there is a single mlm experience)

Please do continue writing and creating and reading and making headcannons! No one is saying you shouldn’t be here or you shouldn’t wrote m/m! All that’s being asked is for women, especially straight women who read and write and create m/m fanworks, to engage with it mindfully and like, at least make your best effort to not to fetishize mlm, to treat them as people rather than objects, which I really don’t think is asking too much. 

Further reading

here

here (same post but with different topics discussed)

here

Feel free to add more links of mlm taking about these issues cause I know i’m long winded but I don’t want to talk over mlm!

[untitledroberteggersproject]

Makeup and “Empowerment”

Makeup is a product created by capitalism simply as an object to be sold. It is a part of society’s commodification of beauty. Products like these are often invented only to create more labor. Capitalists imagine up more objects which can be sold for a profit to people that they have convinced need this object. No one needs makeup. In truth, makeup is just powders and gels used to change the physical landscape of a face. It is useless in practicality when taken out of the context of reality. Of course, we are in reality, so we have to talk about as such. But the reality is that while makeup does serve a purpose in our society, its purpose is to reinforce (mostly white) heteropatriarchal notions of beauty. Makeup and the makeup industry does nothing but perpetuate an insidious patriarchal expectation that women should be or need to be beautiful.

So why do we buy into this expectation, even though plenty of us know and understand that patriarchy exists? Decades of propaganda that tell us that we need to look beautiful, so men find us attractive. As feminism has progressed in the modern world, this line has become increasingly critiqued. Many, if not most, progressive women realize that this advertising is in fact propaganda. We should not need to look beautiful for the benefit of men. But as this realization has grown, the beauty industry has grown too. Most brands have evolved their advertising to include pseudo-feminist phrases in an attempt to try and sell the same exact product they always have. They portray their products as a form of “empowerment” or “not settling for less.”

They say, “Do your make up perfect using our product, and you won't be doing the same thing women have been doing for decades because of gender roles and sexism. No, because now you will be doing it for you! The fact that men will treat you better if you conform to patriarchal rules like using makeup is incidental. The fact that women who do not wear makeup are punished by society is incidental. We are in a new age where you can now do the same coping skills your mothers did to survive, but you are doing it for you instead.” Or, instead of not settling for being considered a lesser person for your gender, it becomes: “Don’t settle for any number of trivial things that patriarchy wants you to fix. Don’t settle for dry skin or flat hair or for whatever length eyelashes you have. Don’t settle for the way your body naturally looks, buy our product and get a better version of yourself.” This natural look is not called this though, it is coded as ugly, because, of course, they sell their product as bringing out what is natural. Their product is what will give your hair a natural shine. Their ten products at a minimum of $10 each will allow you to see your “Fierce Natural Beauty” for the first time. Their product will give you clear natural skin as if women’s bodies exist in a place below natural and need to be brought up to a natural and Good state. Before their products, your hair was Bad and Wrong and this better version of yourself, of course, better appeals to a Eurocentric heterosexual ideal. It further reinforces old ideas about women’s worth naturally being less.

And what I find so offensive about it is that they do attempt to couch this message in feminist language. Makeup can be fun. It can be an insane tool of creativity. It can make people who are insecure feel better about themselves. The problem is that while covering up a wound might make it look better to the world and let you go outside, there is still an injury that needs to breathe. There is still an actual, dangerous issue that needs to be addressed, and we cannot dress the wound while trying to cover it up. Continuing to put on makeup and buying into this “empowerment” lie is only continuing to ignore the problem of sexism. It does not ultimately help someone who is insecure about themselves. They just keep putting on makeup instead of learning to live with themselves, to stop feeling sad about the way they naturally exist.

You are not helping yourself by wearing makeup, not in the long run. In the short term, yes, it is going to help you get out the door and feel beautiful and maybe positively affect your outside life in the current society we live in, but it is not doing anything progressive. Makeup is not progressive. It is not empowering. The only context within which it could be empowering is the one where patriarchy treats us better when we buy in. In a household where dogs are treated better if they hold their heads low, they will feel safe with their heads low. They feel better that way; they are not in any danger. It could even be, down the line, seen as empowering for them. “Wow, those dogs’ neck lines downward are so fierce. They look so good. They are doing it for themselves because it makes them feel better.”

The fact is that real power would come from women saying, “I do not need to be beautiful. Ugly does not exist. It is entirely reasonable for me to exist just as I am in my natural state.” We need to start radically challenging sexist notions on a broad basis, but also in a personal capacity. We cannot end the makeup industry and sexism if we still put on loads of makeup every day because we are uncomfortable with our actual bodies and faces. I have stopped buying makeup. While it is mostly because I have never gotten super into using it (I have never even properly learned how to apply foundation/ concealer/ bronzer/ whatever), it is also because I know it ultimately does no good to buy into the beauty industry. It is probably easier for me to do this than for many others. As a nonbinary person, a gender non-conforming woman, I have never actually relied on it, and though it is not because I have been secure in my looks, it has never been the place where I tried to draw my self-confidence. I have, for a long time, known deep down that I am not exactly beautiful. I went through a phase where I insisted I was, despite not fitting perfectly into society’s narrow mold, but even that ultimately cracked and I was left wondering why I felt so bad about myself. It is because I was trying to contest with the construct of beauty. I am not the first person to say this, but body positivity should not be about expanding the limits of beautiful. It should be about destroying the idea of beauty. It only serves to oppress and to other.

For some, giving up makeup is scary and anxiety inducing. In a further intersectional light, it can be considered necessary for some trans people, women especially, as they can face violence for not passing as cis in public. For some people, I am sure it feels like they simply can not.  They do not ever leave their house without some amount of makeup on, but the less we support the bogus establishment’s rules for us, the less power they will have. I think it would and will take something remarkably radical to rid the world of all sexism, and this issue is not the most important one by far, not inside sexism, and not inside the world’s giant bucket of issues, but I think it is something we can start to think about individually. Because, sure, we do not live in an ideal society where we can all get away with wearing zero makeup, but if we keep shrugging our shoulders and using that as an excuse, we never will. We can start by examining our behaviors and habits and asking ourselves some questions that help us think critically about what we’re doing to advance feminism in our daily lives:

“Why do I feel I need foundation, lipstick, and perfect eyebrows to leave the house?”

“Who am I trying to impress? Why am I trying to impress them?”

“Is this, all this money, time, emotion, all ‘For Me’?”

“What would happen if I went to work/shop/lunch without makeup?”

“Why do I only feel that I look satisfactory with makeup?”

“Why do I need to feel satisfactory in this way?”

“What is wrong with being ugly?”

“What power does that hold over me and what power am I letting it have?”

And lastly, much of this is also often framed as personal choice. It is our personal choice to wear makeup or not, but ‘choice feminism’ lets us choose to continue oppression. When we do not live in a free society, we do not have full choice. We have the option of going with the status quo, or actively going against it and trying to dismantle it. Those are our choices, and only one of them is going to do anything positive in the long run.

[butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker]

CN: Sex TMI incoming!

Case in point: I have all of the shame kinks, which is perhaps not unusual for the sort of person who's been raised in a culture which views their desires as shameful. Occasionally, my husband will use slurs (about queerness and disgust and failed masculinity) and I don't really know how to process it. I am...extremely into this. But I know, from other conversations we've had, that he has a visceral "not those words under any circumstances" relationship with some of these terms.

It's not something I've asked of him, and when I've followed up with him about it, his position is that when he chooses to do this, it's at times when he feels ok to do so; which is reasonable enough.

but it's difficult too. When this happens, we're already playing in an extremely loaded place of shame, and so it starts me thinking...

1. to what extent are we two queer men, attempting to navigate our relationship with shame and violence together? After all, I am *far* from the only queer man who's into this. Apparently, Gilbert and George used to go walking hand in hand next to skinheads so they could get beaten up: I don't know if this is true, but I absolutely see the appeal of being hit by someone who might actually kill you.

2. At the same time, I'm aware that I...quite genuinely do have a different history with this language than my husband. So, to what extent are we navigating the gulf between a cis and trans experience, one in which the same cultural gendered/sexual/masculine shame/disgust/failure is relevant to both of us, but is ultimately *different*. There's no shortage of trans men/transmasc people who are into self-identifying with these terms. Goodness knows, I understand both personally and culturally why we're a group who would feel unnaturally at home with these (homophobic; simultaneously misandrist and misogynist; bad yaoi) tropes. But a lot of the time when I encounter transmasculine folks who are into using terms like "f*ggot" or "tr*nny" and so forth, it seems to considerably outnumber cis gay/bi men who embrace them, and that should maybe give us pause.

and on a third hand, having considered first my right to claim maleness as an automatic and equal thing; and second, considering my husband's right to claim his cis experience as in some way a priority.

3: The third thing is my right to have a trans culture, to not make my wants and needs subordinate to that of cis people, to become comfortable with discomforting them when necessary, to define my own relationship with cultural ideas of gender and sexuality, of equal merit and validity, and of superior importance within my own life and things relating to me. Trans people of all genders and experiences seem to be the primary group using the f word, for example. I know several transfeminine people who use it to describe their material gender experience: the difference between growing up as a comfortably male cis man, and a future-trans-woman whose gender nonconformity is obvious to onlookers (sometimes before she even has the words for it or knows that she is Something Wrong) and must be violently punished.

Similarly, there's a huge range of implications of that word, but most of them boil down to being a "failed man". Perhaps it makes sense that we are the most natural fit for reclaiming it. Not in terms of, we are reclaiming a word that had been used to hurt us. But the concept of masculinity, and policing those who dont fit, absolutely falls hard on us, and in a way we can't escape. There will always be parts of my gender experience and expression which are in some way failed or abject

For both trans men and trans women, there's maybe a sense that we...can't outgrow being a closeted gay boy into a confident gay man, who can reject a bullying term targeted at his manhood, because he is a confident, strong, man who also loves other men. For transsexuals, there will always be a danger of being perceived or punished as "a failed and inadequate man" (whether we hope to be perceived as a real man, or as far as manliness as possible). It's inescapable, and we need to reclaim this and make our peace with it, one way or another.

all three things here are, in a sense, true and important. But they contradict, sometimes profoundly. And it's all well and good to reflect on this when you're negotiating consent and boundaries and histories of marginalisation with your partner. But to be trans is, trying to unpack all this when you're like, walking to the shops to buy milk. It never stops. A triple consciousness of yourself as really your gender, and also not really your gender compared to others with a greater claim, and also not really any gender whatsoever, a permanent outcast from categories of any kind. It's hard!

what I want in my life is to be happy, and not to hurt anyone.

[sylvermyth]

Things to do instead of A/B/O

(Buckle up my friends, this is going to be long, as I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it)

Okay so if you've followed my blog for any amount of time, or if you know me a bit, you might know that one of my biggest NOPES when it comes to fanfic is the A/B/O trope.  Now, I haven't read a ton of it, but I've given it a fair chance, have read enough to know the characteristic aspects of it, and decide it's not for me.  But, I'm also aware that it...might be for a lot of people, and, okay I really hate to say this but it's problematic, and while I'm normally like, write the shit you want, you do you, conflict makes story great, etc...okay, yeah, you do you. That's fine. But I really feel like A/B/O is not only propagating dangerous, misogynistic heteronormative narratives, but is also kind of an easy, lazy writing device.  Because I can see aspects of the trope that have potential!  Which don't get explored!  And I see aspects of the trope that are appealing, but have alternatives that would be much more interesting if approached differently.

So, here I am to offer some potential alternatives to A/B/O Things, based on some of the key elements of A/B/O.

Mpreg

Okay personally mpreg just really triggers my YIKES NOPE reaction.  However, I can see the appeal of it.  There are ways of going about it without relying on an A/B/O narrative.

One, you just want your characters to make a family     together. That's sweet, cute, yeah, go for it!  But...why not adopt?      Really. Adopting is really beautiful, has potentially a lot of     conflict in the adoption process itself, I mean, really.  As many     children as there are without parents, it's still probably more difficult     to adopt than it is to just pop out a child on your own (not sure about     the financial aspects, but having a baby is REALLY expensive, medically; I     don't usually read fics involving kids but I would imagine that's another     issue that probably doesn't get addressed in fic, but I digress).      Anyway. The adoption process is just as meaningful, and potentially     more so, for a couple to go through together, instead of pregnancy.

You want to see your character pregnant.  Okay.      So I suppose there's a few different aspects of this that are     appealing.

You want your character to go      through morning sickness, etc, all the physical bullshit of pregnancy so      their partner can care for them.  That can be accomplished just as      well with illness, there are illnesses that can be long and drawn-out, it      doesn't have to be a fatal illness, and fighting that illness can make      for good conflict/resolution, etc.

You like the idea of      procreation as it is.  You can accomplish that with a gender swap.      Don't be afraid to write the character the same, with only their sex      different. Women can be as robust and diverse as men.  You still      want a same-sex relationship?  They can both be gals.  Just go      for it!

You really want to see a male      character pregnant, and this cannot be accomplished through the usual      biological means. See the Gender/Secondary Gender section.

You want your character to be a      “woman” without actually making them female.  NO.  Just don't.      Stop.  We have enough problems with women being a “fragile” or      “weaker” or “inferior” sex as it is, and all the shitty gender roles that      go with it.  Unless the story arc is overcoming ingrained prejudice      in that aspect (and even then it’s questionable), just...don't.       There are better things to write.

Gender/Secondary Gender/Sex

This is...a really sensitive subject to deal with, imo.  I think it's probably one of my biggest issues with A/B/O, because there's rampant misogynistic, heteronormative elements in many A/B/O fics.  I don't know if ALL fics fall into this, but all of the ones I've read do, and it's a big turn-off for me.

Here’s a simplified rundown of my understanding of secondary sexes:

Alphas present as dominant, the caretaker/provider, are     generally superior in things like sports, business, etc.  They can     lose control in the presence of an omega, to the point of potentially     raping them.  The “man/masculine” of the dynamic.

Betas are neutral, safe, I guess?  Inferior in a     way, because they're normal and don't have one of the extremes. (As an     aside, I actually think that this “secondary sex” would be incredibly     interesting to explore in the context of A/B/O, if it was done right,     like, are they an in-between?  Is it kind of like being agender or     genderfluid?  How do they cope with the other genders?)

Omegas present as submissive, needy, inferior, unable     to control themselves during heat and therefore at a disadvantage in     whatever activities they engage in (especially competitive sports), and     also the ability to consent is essentially taken from them during their     heats, due to biological need.  The “female/feminine” of the dynamic.

Women are generally completely ignored???  I'm     guilty in not always including ladies in my fics, I won't lie, but there     has to be some dynamic created in this setting that involves women.

Okay. So. Overall, I don't think the idea of a secondary sex or gender is a bad idea, per se.  I just really hate the gender-driven hierarchy that's raised by it (specifically that it’s heavily heteronormative), and it's really not that necessary when the same effect can be achieved with primary gender/sex.  So here's a few things to consider.

Gender roles:  just don't.  Please, I'm so     fucking sick of it.  Relationships are a give-and-take, and different     people have different strengths and weaknesses, that don't depend on their     gender.  Figuring out the balance is more interesting, anyway, rather     than having it predescribed.  Do that instead, please.

There are still many issues of gender in the world we     live in as it is. You could explore those.  For example, Yuri on Ice     plays with this a little: most of our main characters have cultivated an     image of androgyny or even femininity in their skating programs.      However, keep in mind that androgyny etc has different roots and     different meanings for different cultures.

If you want to explore gender identities, I     would suggest treading very carefully, especially if you are a cis     person (in fact as a general rule I wouldn't do it at all without heavy     research, consulting people that are willing to share their experiences     with their identity, etc).  You might be tempted to, say, make your     character a trans male so they can get pregnant.  Personally, as     someone who is cis, I feel very uncomfortable doing that, because it's not     an issue I think I have the right to handle, and I highly suggest that     such an issue be left to those who would identify with that situation (I'm     not sure what language/vocab I should use to say this).  Of course     everyone will have a different situation, and it's not entirely impossible     to have such a storyline, but really...cis people have no business using     such a delicate matter as a writing device, just so they can make their     character fit a particular kink, because let's be real, that's what it     comes down to.  There are other ways.

Not knowing one’s secondary gender/sex until after     puberty:  honestly, you don't even need to make it secondary, if     people are genderless to begin with!  For example, since we’re     already writing an alternative biology AU, why not make it so that people are     sexless at birth?  Maybe they choose or develop a sex later on!      I imagine this would make an incredibly interesting culture:      is there pressure to choose one over the other?  Are there     still gender roles, or does the neutral beginning make it easier to do     away with those?  What other kind of identity issues arise with this,     or is it not an issue at all?  Is it possible to remain in a state of     neutral gender indefinitely?  How does procreation work?      Fascinating, right?!

Again with the idea of an alternative biology, you     could use fantasy creatures (see also: Heats/Ruts, Mating Cycles;     Scenting and Marking).  Maybe your character has the ability to     choose to carry a child, regardless of their presented sex/gender, or     maybe their sex/gender is in flux, changeable.  There are probably     different kinds of demons, too, with different abilities--and probably not     all of them have these abilities!  There's a wealth of     cultural/societal implications in this, without having to resort to     gendered roles.

Non-con/dubcon propagated by secondary gender     (heats/ruts).  I mean, ok, different strokes for different folks, but     again, don't really need a secondary gender for that one.  See also Heats/Ruts...

Heats/Ruts, Mating Cycles; Scenting and Marking

Perhaps one of the big elements of A/B/O, I think?  Also actually something I dig quite a bit--up to a point.  While I like the idea of being exceedingly desperate for sex in my smut, in A/B/O, it’s often taken to the extreme to the point that characters arguably lose the ability to say ‘no,’ and therefore the ability to consent.  Sometimes this is addressed before the omega character has their heat, but not always, and sometimes even discussing it ahead of time, an alpha still loses control due to a reaction to pheromones and whatnot.

Marking/bonding with a mate is also, in itself, not a terrible thing (it can be romantic, actually!) but again there’s the non-con marking that’s sometimes used as a plot point to trap a character into a relationship.  I guess that can work, but again, there are other ways to trap a character into a relationship, if that’s what you’re really going for. Financial issues, different forms of abuse, etc, without using biological restraints--even with these, you should be careful, or at least tag your fic appropriately.

Anyway, overall, not a bad element.  However, these things don’t have to be limited to A/B/O!  A few alternatives to consider:

Above I mentioned alternative biology, you don’t need     A/B/O to have a character that has a mating cycle, does the scenting thing     etc.  Could be a fantasy/mythology creature, or hell, we could do     aliens!  Why not!  You can also incorporate knotting in this, if     you like.

Could be a fetish thing--you don’t really need     different biology to get wrapped up in someone’s scent.  A lot of     that is in a person’s head, too, which can flesh out a narrative.

Yo dude, biting/marking is hot in regular fic, you     don’t need to put it in A/B/O.

And so…

I make no claims that this is a comprehensive list of alternatives, or that I’m right, or that A/B/O is inherently wrong and you should never write it.  I am a huge proponent of MAKING SHIT UP for fics, of writing what you want.  But I also think that A/B/O is a bit of a cop-out on many fronts--or at least, it’s not reaching its potential, and ought to be handled differently, so please keep that in mind.  And thanks for reading!

Feel free to add on to this, if you like!  (Not that I have any say, thanks, tumblr.)  Or, if you want to discuss it, that’s cool, too--just know that I will not entertain personal attacks or responses that blatantly ignore the suggestions I have put out (which, by the way, I put a lot of time and thought into!).

Cheers!

[ievani-e]

I’m Genderqueer, I Guess!?

(AKA, My Experiences Accepting  — and Then Rejecting  — Womanhood)

Over three weeks ago now, on February 4th, I started out wanting to write a random little opinion piece about Disney’s Mulan. I had experienced a personal epiphany, and I wanted to revisit some of the ideas I had had about Mulan in the past, and contrast that with how I felt about it now. But, I realised, there was something else I had to write before I could. I had to write this random thing first, because this post informs that one.

So what this post is going to be about is this: I am genderqueer.

This is not a recent thing. I have not suddenly changed as a person. On the contrary, I’m exactly the same person I have always been. The only thing that has changed is the label itself: a label which, for reasons explained below, I have decided to don.

In order to properly tell you about where I am now, I have to tell you a bit about my past and give you an overview about my experiences growing up. I have to tell you how I first got to this place for my decision to come out as genderqueer/gender non-binary to make sense.

Some backstory, then: While I never directly suffered as a result of my gender identity the same way some others have, I did still struggle with gender dysphoria. I recognise that many trans and queer people have (or have had) it way worse than me, and that I am extremely fortunate to have avoided being bullied or ostracised due to my gender identity, having firmed up and sussed out what it even was only now. But, nevertheless, it was there the whole time.

Growing up, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was medically wrong with me: that the doctors must have made some kind of a mistake, and everyone around me treating me as a girl ever since was simply the result of carrying the error forward. I must have had a higher dosage of androgens in my system, or maybe an extra chromosome or something. I must have secretly been intersex and just hadn’t been diagnosed. Surely, something had to have been wrong. I couldn’t have been a girl, because any definition of or expectation for a “girl” I ever heard was something so different from what I was.

As a child, I grew up with a very narrow definition of what it meant to be a girl and what girls could and couldn’t be, because that was what had been spoon-fed to me by the media and the social norms I saw around me. These norms were perpetuated at school, by members of my family, and on TV — with TV standing in as a representative for the world at large. What I saw around me was: girls liked shopping and jewellery. Girls liked fashion and beauty. Girls liked horse-riding and ballet. Girls were vain. Girls were stupid. Girls only cared about wearing pretty pink dresses and chatting about boys. Girls were… <insert other extremely limited, restrictive, two-dimensional female stereotype here>. Those were the conclusions I had come to, based on what the world was showing me and teaching me.

And I wasn’t like that. I wasn’t like those girls. I was nuanced, I was complicated; I was intelligent and smart and not at all interested in love and romance, and I much preferred to hang out with boys like I was one of them than try to date any of them. I liked video games and horror films and reading thrillers and action adventures. I was no girly-girl: I was a tomboy, and proud of it.

Nothing I had heard about girls applied to me or appealed to me in any way. (I mean no offense if you are more feminine than I was and you do like that sort of stuff: it’s totally okay to be that way, too! It’s just that I, in particular, wasn’t).

I, the little weirdo that I felt like at the time, had never fit into the picture of the archetypal girl. So, I reasoned, the only logical conclusion was that I must not have been a girl. I must have been a boy. At least, I fit much more comfortably into the definition of a “boy” than I did the definition of a “girl”.

The problem there is, it’s easy to decide that certain characteristics associated with a certain group aren’t compatible with you when the characteristics given to you are so limited in the first place. There was a very specific mental image I had in my head of what a girl should be like, and there didn’t seem to be very much room for discussion. For boys, on the other hand, it seemed like they could be anything except that. That has a whole host of issues all its own — ones I won’t be getting into in depth now — where boys are discouraged from displaying feminine characteristics or emotionality, and this is just as harmful to boys as it is to discourage girls from displaying masculine characteristics. Double-standards do exist, and they are not okay.

But, putting aside that can of worms for now, boys generally had a lot more options than girls did. Of course I would be able to see more similarities between myself and boys when there was a wider range of options to choose from from the start.

Please permit me to be an optimist for a moment and say that I believe that, in an ideal world, all positive characteristics would be embraced and encouraged in children, regardless of whether they were typically “feminine” or “masculine”. We would love unconditionally, and judge each person for their own individual merits and demerits, rather than holding them up to some perceived notion of being “girl” enough or “boy” enough. Doing so is incredibly detrimental to us all because, when we start holding personhood up to some arbitrary standard, it becomes very easy to fall short. And that does not feel good for the many of us who don’t measure up.

But the real world and the ideal world are worlds apart, and social norms did, and do, exist. In any case, I certainly didn’t fit the cookie-cutter mould of what it “meant” to be a “girl”. And that felt like a failure on my part. I felt like I wasn’t enough; like I wasn’t good enough, just the way I was.

I grew up empathising and relating to men in a variety of ways, because in our culture and in our media it is predominantly male characters and male role models that we see. Female role models… Not so much. Female characters in books, video games and TV were few and far between to begin with, and those that did exist tended to be depicted as homemakers, love interests, sex objects and… nope, that’s about it. As a result, I didn’t know that there were more ways to be than just those.

That’s not to say that shows featuring more positive role models didn’t exist — it’s not even to say I didn’t happen across a few of them myself. Rather, it is that those positive influences weren’t numerous enough or prevalent enough for me, as a child, to notice; or to start to change my mind about women as a whole because of them. There weren’t enough positive portrayals of women for those portrayals of women to form part of a larger pattern; certainly not enough to challenge the already-existing patterns of behaviour that were being perpetuated far more prominently and pervasively. There were exceptions, but that’s just it: complex, interesting, autonomous female characters — women such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Xena: Warrior Princess — were exceptions; not the rule. (And I’ve never actually even seen Xena: Warrior Princess myself, so…)

One such example that comes to my own mind is that of Elizabeth Bennet, from Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice; which isn’t actually about pride and prejudice anywhere near as much as you might think. That, I read when I was 13? 14? 15? as part of my high school’s English Literature course, and Elizabeth Bennet was probably the closest thing I had to a positive female role model in literature at that time. Even then, Elizabeth, too, was posited as the exception, not the rule: even within the book’s own canon. You see, Elizabeth was exceptionally skilled, witty and intelligent; she was particularly sensible, reasonable (even if not open-minded…) and capable of critical thought. Unfortunately, the logical continuation of such a premise leads to the (incorrect) implication that other girls… usually… weren’t. So in the book, we see that Elizabeth wasn’t like other girls. Elizabeth was different.

So while I saw myself, to a certain extent, in Elizabeth, I also saw the same demonization of —  and the desire to distance oneself from — other women which I experienced first-hand, along with the desperation to distinguish oneself from the gender norms as if they were true; not as if they weren’t. The mistake Elizabeth and I both made was that, by thinking of ourselves as “special little snowflakes” and elevating our own status to that of the exception, not the rule, it came at the cost of failing to appreciate the basic humanity and the complexity of other women: women who may, in actuality, have had a lot more in common with us than we first gave them credit for.

Meanwhile, it seemed that (cis) men were allowed to be human, and experience (almost) the full range of thoughts and feelings and ways of life attached to that, in a way that women just weren’t. But, the issue of gender and representation in media is in fact another beast entirely. What is relevant to me throughout all of this is that this all culminated in the fact that I was someone who accepted men exactly the way they were, and could relate to men in a multitude of ways; but, before discovering feminism, despised anything even remotely “female” or “feminine” and discriminated against it, dismissing it or distancing myself from it for one reason or another, despite being female myself. What. The. Fuck.

Now I’m an adult and I know better, I know that the majority of my discomfort with “the feminine” stemmed primarily from good old-fashioned sexism, both internalised and otherwise. I know now that those beliefs — both the ones I had impressed upon me, and the ones I in turn applied to others — are inherently inaccurate and deeply flawed.

Problem solved, then: it’s not that my gender identity or expression was wrong. It’s not that I wasn’t woman enough, despite not feeling like I fit in all my life. It’s that sexism exists, and sexism is the cause for all of my dysphoria, hurray(!)

Or so I thought.

Sexism does still play a part, however, and that’s what has made coming to grips with my gender identity all the more difficult for me. Before I could discern what was really true about myself, first I had to disentangle what was really true about “what it means to be a female/ a woman/ feminine” from all the fallacies, generalisations and mistruths. When I came across feminism several years ago as a young tween and learnt about what it was, it opened a lot of doors for me in terms of coming to a greater understanding of myself and the world around me. Feminism has been a very positive influence in and on my life, and is responsible for a lot of personal growth. But also, in this particular instance, confused me even further. And that’s because, I started to think that… maybe the reason why I didn’t associate myself with the concept of “girlhood” or “womanhood” when I was younger was only because the concept I had in my head had been so completely wrong all along.

Before feminism, all that internalised sexism really did go a long way towards meaning I related more to men than I did to women; or at least, thought I did, because really, I never gave women much of a chance. I had to unlearn a lot of the preconceived notions I had grown up with, and learn everything all over again from the ground up.

The more I learned, the more I came to understand; but even so, the feeling of me being different or not quite fitting in anywhere didn’t go away. It’s just that I started to think that maybe it wasn’t me who was wrong: maybe it was the gender norms themselves that were wrong. It was the idea that “women are like X and men are like Y” — and that this is universally true for all women and all men — that was wrong.

What I had to learn was that women could be anything. And I mean; I already knew that about men — but women, too?! So women can think and act for themselves, and be incredibly intelligent and have their own thoughts and opinions and expertise on a subject, and have a vast array of interests?! It sounds stupid now, especially if you already know it to be true; but it was a much-needed life lesson for the twenty-year-old me. I was already fully accepting of a wide range of personalities and occupations for men, because I saw such a wide range of men and male characters/personalities in the media. It was already a given to me that men could be anything. And yes, there is that whole “…except be feminine” thing I mentioned before, and it is an issue; but I never personally bought into that. I had my fair share of male role models with a sensitive side or more typically feminine character traits as well. What was shocking to me is that I had to learn that the same thing I had always believed to be true of men was true of women, too.

What I had to learn, absurdly for the first time as an adult, was that not every woman had to like the same thing or have the same hobbies or interests. Not all women had to look or dress or behave the same way, or any way in particular at all. Not every woman had the same likes and interests as me: but — and here was the key difference — they could have done. There was, in reality, no logical reason why they couldn’t. I realised that girls can be tomboys and gamers and total nerds and still be girls.

If that was the case, then maybe my own experience and my own expression of self — despite being so far removed from that limited childhood notion of “girl” = “pretty, vain and vapid” — was nevertheless still valid within the wider, broader and more inclusive interpretation of “womanhood”. Maybe, even with my own complete and total lack of femininity and associating myself with more typically-masculine traits and behaviours, maybe I still was a woman: just that the category for womanhood was far broader than I had been led to believe. Perhaps I wasn’t a woman who had fit into those narrow definitions I had held as true in the past; but a woman nonetheless, who could still meet the definition of a woman if only I broadened those definitions up.

No two women are the same; and as such, it makes no sense to think that there is such thing as a universal expression of that womanhood. Every single woman is a unique individual, with her own skills and experiences and her own story to tell. Just because my own experience didn’t have much in common with the experiences of those around me, that didn’t necessarily mean that I wasn’t a woman, or couldn’t have been a woman, or that I was some abhorrent anomaly. I might have been three standard deviations away from the mean; but that doesn’t mean that I was not, nevertheless, a valid data point.

So I got confused.

The feminist within me wanted me to think of myself as, and identify as, a woman. After all, I had just truly come to understand and to appreciate that being a woman was okay. I had just come to understand that “femininity” existed on a wide spectrum, and even oddballs like me could be included within that. Besides, if I was a feminist and believed in women’s rights (as a targeted approach to believing in equal rights in general), then wasn’t I supposed to be proud to be a woman? Wasn’t I meant to further the cause and #represent? If being a woman was no inferior to being a man, and if women came in all shapes and shades and were allowed to claim and celebrate their own individuality as they saw fit, regardless of the norms, then why would I need to be anything else? Was “woman” not sufficient? How could I be a feminist and yet still feel a reluctance and general disdain towards identifying as a woman?

That was one side of the confusion.

The other side of it was: well, if I wasn’t a woman, what else would I be? As a child, I had felt I fit in more with boys; but I had no all-consuming desire to be a boy or to be thought of as one myself. What I wanted was simply to be myself. I didn’t think of myself as a boy, hanging out with other boys. I thought of myself as myself, hanging out with other boys. As an adult, I feel no more and no less an affinity for one gender than the other. There is no affinity for either; and likewise, no antipathy for either. I feel empathy for everyone; a general relation towards all individuals, regardless of their gender. I don’t come down on one side or the other.

It was around the same time that I started batting around the idea of being genderfluid; but ultimately decided against exploring it any further or even acknowledging it in any real way, because it “didn’t matter, really”. I don’t know why nothing came of that back then. I guess I didn’t have the courage to pursue it, nor was there the same motivation to do so as now. I thought private thoughts: I often joked/ seriously heartfully felt that I was a gay man trapped in a woman’s body; but I also felt like a gay woman trapped in a woman’s body. And, because I felt like both a gay man and a gay woman, I reasoned that, maybe, if I looked at it a certain way, that was almost like having elements of both a straight man and a straight woman instead. Either way, I was bisexual! (Which I am, by the way.)

I tried to use my own sexuality against me; I tried to twist it around, and pressured myself to act more like a “straight woman”, or how I thought a straight woman should be. And, no, there does not seem to be much logic to that train of thought: it was just me oppressing myself, trying to knock myself back down into a more “acceptable” way of being, even if that meant flattening myself in the process. It’s weird to see how, in this way, I was still equating “straight” with “normal”, even though I was bisexual myself. This is why queer representation is so important!!

That particular mental interpretation was lacking, for many reasons. And something I didn’t think about at the time was that either way, I wasn’t cis. Either way, there was that overlap of masculinity and femininity in me: I had elements of both, but neither were quite the way convention might have you expect. I felt like I approached femininity from a male perspective: I was “feminine”, but in the same way that (some, not all) gay men are “feminine” without being women. Likewise, I approached masculinity from a female perspective: I was “masculine”, but in the same way (some, not all) lesbians are “masculine” without being men. I had traits of both within me, but even then, they were crossed over; associating my inner “male self” with the “feminine” and my inner “female self” with the “masculine”.

So maybe now, as I write this, it’s more obvious why I didn’t fit in. Everyone else around me associated “male” with “macho” and “female” with “femme”. Such extreme interpretations were at direct odds with mine, and left no room for the many variants of gender identity and gender expression in between. It was, society said, one or the other. And I wasn’t either.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t something I came to understand until much more recently, or else I might have been able to place myself sooner.

But even those past times I did question my gender, those thoughts stayed only thoughts. And in any case, because I didn’t feel like I most definitely, most assuredly wanted to be/become a man, I thought that meant that I had to be a woman by default.

So, I thought, if I can’t commit to not being a woman, I guess I will just remain a “woman”. I guess I will just stand and be counted as one of the many women who do not fit the cookie-cutter mould dictated to us by gender norms, as many women don’t. I will be just one of the many examples of why the mould is rubbish: of why putting men and women in boxes does not work, because we do not all fit in neatly. I will hold my head up as a woman and say, “I do not follow the rules, but I am not the exception. It’s the rules themselves that are jank.”

And the feminist in me was appeased. After all, this way, simply by being myself I could prove patriarchy was wrong, or something to that effect. I was proof the norms were not catch-all, be-all and end-all. I could live with being a woman; just one that defies typical social norms. And those norms ought to be questioned and defied, anyway — so I comforted myself into thinking I was doing someone some good, maybe, somehow, by acknowledging the expectations for my gender but then subverting them; and that, in so doing, it might contribute towards shattering the preconceptions themselves.

I still didn’t feel comfortable in and of myself, but I shrugged it off. I was like, “okay, maybe this is fine.” In the wise, wise words of Lindsay Ellis: “This is fine. This is fine. This is fine, guys. This is fine.”

Of course, there were still times when I felt the incongruence more keenly than at others; my wedding and the times when I get compared to my sisters were particularly triggering experiences for me. But when it was just my husband and me, together and alone, there was no incongruence. There was no discomfort. We accepted each other, and loved each other, exactly the way we were. When it was just the two of us, we could just be the two of us. When we knew each other as well as we did, on that close and personal basis, then there was no need for labels.

And so, I had privately settled the dispute of my own gender. I had mentally filed it away under “agree not to agree; it doesn’t really matter, anyway. Putting a name to it doesn’t actively change who I am.” I had told myself that that was good enough; and I had kept on living my life, continuing with things just the way they were.

I had accepted womanhood, and resigned myself to it.

And that was that.

 Cue hbomberguy’s “Donkey Kong Nightmare Stream”.

 For those who missed it and the surrounding controversy involving TV writer Graham Linehan (#thanksgraham), hbomberguy (real name Harry Brewis) is a YouTuber who makes sensible — okay, maybe not “sensible” —, well-thought out videos addressing a variety of topics in modern media: usually video games, film or television series, but he also commentates on social trends and ideologies, as well.

Link to hbomberguy’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClt01z1wHHT7c5lKcU8pxRQ

My husband first knew him from his LetsPlays, and I became a fan too because of his game, film and television analyses. (Someone who overthinks and overanalyses works of fiction for all possible meanings and real-life takeaways?? Here’s a man after my own heart!)

So when he announced he was going to do a livestream of the classic Nintendo 64 game Donkey Kong 64 in order to raise money for the organisation Mermaids — a charity offering support groups, education, and crisis hotlines for transgender individuals and their families, as well as training for corporations to raise trans awareness — we were very interested in watching it.

Link to Mermaids’ website here: https://www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/

Unfortunately, my husband and I weren’t able to watch the stream as it went up live; but we did watch through the archived footage after the fact. And boy, did it hit hard. So many feels were had. So many feels.

My husband isn’t as informed on social justice issues as I am, so a lot of the overarching context that was old-hat to me was brand-new to him. But bless him, he is learning. I, on the other hand, thought going in that I was just going to be watching a stream of a dude we liked from YouTube playing a game, and raising some money for a good cause while he was at it. What I wasn’t expecting was that some of what I heard would hit me so hard in the heart.

To pick out just a few key moments from what was truly an epic event the whole way through, Susie Green, the CEO of Mermaids herself, appeared in the stream — and, let me just say, she is so effing awesome. I have an aunt called Susie Green, too, who is also one of the most kick-ass ladies I know, so awesomeness must come with the territory or something.

Anyway, among other things, Susie Green (the CEO, not my aunt) was saying (and I paraphrase) that one of the best ways to support trans people is just to let them know that they can be safe around you.

And that broke my fucking heart, because fuck. Because LGBTQ+ people could be safe around me: but if I myself wasn’t out and proud — if I myself wasn’t visible, or open about my own situation — how the fuck would they know that?

That idea (built upon by CaseyExplosion when she said just to be a friend to trans people you know) deeply resonated with me because of past personal conversations I have had with some members of the gaming group I’m a part of. In private messages, there were people I spoke to at length about gender and about sexuality. The thing is, I was never the one initiating these conversations. Due to my own experiences and empathy, whenever they brought up that they were struggling, I would listen and I would relate and I would tell them a bit about my own experiences, too. And something that came up in one of those conversations was how difficult it was to know who you can talk to about gender and sexuality stuff, because you don’t know how people will respond or who you can trust.

One of my dear friends talked to me about his struggle with sexuality and being gay, and I could understand and empathise and listen to him without judgment because, although it isn’t exactly the same, I am bi and have my own experiences with making the personal journey of coming to understand and accept your own sexual identity, and the struggles along the way. Another friend confided in me she was having confusing feelings for another woman, and she didn’t know what to do. Again, I shared with her that I could understand because I was bi, and we talked for a long time about how she was feeling. She said later I was one of the few people she could trust to talk to about this, because she knew I wouldn’t judge her.

I know people who struggle with their own experiences, and I also know people who are so far removed from those struggles in their own personal lives that they can come across a little insensitive and non-inclusive in their speech or actions; not due to malice, but sincere lack of experience, lack of information, and lack of awareness. One such friend of mine gets very confused over what is “sex” and what is “gender” and frequently conflates the two, and tends to be very dismissive of the social issues going on around him or the community’s attempts to address those issues. And again, this is not because he is an uncaring or unkind person, because he is usually exceptionally caring and kind. But in these particular instances, because he is young and uninformed and he is not part of those circles himself (nor knows others who are immediately affected), there is no reason why he would know more about it. There is no reason why he would understand.

Still, he recognises that he doesn’t understand, and he does try to learn more and keep himself open to learning more. Thus, I unofficially took it upon myself to educate him, to try and foster that understanding; and I talked to him a lot about my own gender identity, too, to kind of serve as my own example for him of what the gender spectrum was. I told him a lot about my own experiences, eventually summarising my situation as, “I don’t agree with the gender norms and I don’t fit into them myself, but I don’t really know what I what I would fit into. I’m not comfortable being a woman, but I don’t know what I would consider myself as instead, so… … …”

On each of these occasions, and many more besides, I was fortunate enough to have these incredibly deep and meaningful conversations with real people all over the world; some of whom were struggling to find understanding and acceptance at a time when they really didn’t know who they could turn to. I’m so incredibly lucky to have them in my life, and that I could learn from all of them and know their unwavering love and support. Our friendship has enriched my life, and I have been exposed to so much love and positivity and really grown as a person because of it. I’m so grateful and glad that they found me, and that I could likewise be a positive figure for them in their time of need.

But that’s just it: they found me. They took a leap of faith, not knowing the outcome, because they needed someone to talk to and they didn’t know for sure if I would be accepting or understanding: it was just that, based on our group conversations, I seemed like the kind of person who might be. They demonstrated an incredible amount of trust and faith in me, and I am extremely grateful for that. But it’s something that they should not have had to do. They should have known that they were safe from the get-go; I should have made them feel safe. I should have been more open, more inclusive; more forthcoming with my own experiences and beliefs, so that they knew they would find a kindred spirit in me, without needing to take that risk. And that is a failing on my part.

Remember how I said about how it even came up in one of those conversations that it’s difficult to know who you can talk to about gender and sexuality, because you don’t know how people will respond or who you can trust? Well, back then, my response to that was something along the lines of: “I would hate it if someone was struggling with this stuff and they felt like they couldn’t talk to me about it, just because they didn’t know that I was queer too.”

And yet…

To my shame and my dismay, although I did share my own experiences with others one-on-one once they had already started talking about it with me, I was never the first to say, “hey, I’m LGBTQ+, and if you’re LGBTQ+ too, that’s A-okay!” I was never the first to bring it up; and in so doing, I’m worried that I might have inadvertently created an atmosphere within our gaming group where LGBTQ+ members feel like they might not have been welcomed or represented.

Because our gaming group is online, everyone is totally anonymous, and no-one has to reveal more about themselves than they want to: including their appearance, their sexuality, or their gender. Still, I wonder if maybe there are some members, new or old, who are LGBTQ+ or who are internally struggling with their own self-identity, who look around and do not seem to see anyone like them. The atmosphere in our group, as is the case with society as a whole, is one where it’s assumed cis/hetero-normative by default. Topics of gender and sexuality rarely come up in the group chat; the more in-depth ones take place in private messaging instead, where they are invisible to the others.

So, by all appearances, straight and cis is the norm… even when it isn’t.

(Update: I am very happy to announce that, since I began writing this, this has now changed! Although it was my intention to come out to my gaming group after posting this, I ended up outing myself to the group early, which initiated exactly the kind of conversations about gender, sexuality, and inclusivity we should have been having all along. Our gaming group has now officially adopted “other” as a third gender option when we are asking members to introduce themselves, along with asking for preferred pronouns! I hope this change, minor though it may seem, goes a long way to helping every member feel more comfortable when disclosing their gender and their pronouns, should they choose to disclose at all.)

Getting back to the point, Susie Green saying that something you can do is to simply help trans people feel safe… That really struck a chord with me. If even people like me who do struggle with their gender and sexuality don’t say that they do, how would anybody else know? What chance do we have of finding each other? What choice is there but to feel different and alone, even if you actually aren’t?

And in my case especially, it is very, very easy to assume I am cis and straight, even though I’m not. I’m very obviously female (thanks, big boobs), and I’m married to my husband — so that makes us a straight couple, man and wife. Luckily, my sexuality was much easier (relatively) to come to terms with for me, and I have been proud to say that I am bi the few times it does come up, as I have known that about myself in that particular regard since I was 13. Even so, because it is so easy for everyone else to assume that, because I married a man, I therefore must be straight, it doesn’t come up that often.

(Even my husband sometimes forgets. We often joke around with each other about the things we say, deliberately taking innocuous things out of context and saying, “That’s racist!” or “That’s homophobic!” One time, we were joking about something — I can’t even remember what — and I teased him about something he had said by exclaiming in mock-indignation, “Hey! That’s homophobic!” His response? “Well, can you really be homophobic against someone who’s heterosexual?” And I’m just like “…”)

It’s easy to assume a woman who is married to a man is straight. It’s easy to assume everyone is cis by default, because most people are. But that shouldn’t be the default. It shouldn’t be the norm to think, “Well, I’m just going to assume everyone is cis unless they specifically say otherwise.” All that does is create the idea that everyone really is cis, because after all, not many people (dare to) say otherwise; which in turn stunts efforts to spread awareness as many people who might have identified as trans if they had had the resources to know more about it don’t have those resources in the first place. And sticking to that as the norm creates the expectation to conform. It creates the idea that people, even those who aren’t cis, need to be cis, or at least pretend to be; because that is the norm and such thinking inherently comes with pressure to adhere to it.

Assuming cis by default makes it that much harder for trans people to say anything to the contrary, because they don’t see very many people who have the same experiences they do and may not necessarily know if it is safe to talk about it. If everyone assumes that everyone else is cis unless they make a big fuss about it, trans people may very understandably not want to make a big fuss. Maybe they’ll feel, like I did, that the only thing they can do is quietly fade into the background; to try and hide, and try not to draw too much attention to themselves, or out themselves as anything other than “the norm”.

What we all need to do is be more welcoming and inclusive, right off the bat; not because we know for certain that there are LGBTQ+ individuals in our midst, but because we recognise the possibility that there could be. Because we, as a society, recognise that there are many different expressions of gender and sexuality, and all are legitimate and valid.

I don’t want to fade quietly into the background. I don’t want to not be seen, not even by other LGBTQ+ people — those who should be my fellows. That sounds incredibly egotistical, but what I really mean is that I don’t want other LGBTQ+ people to look out at the world and not see themselves reflected in it and think that they are alone; the way I did before the charity stream began.

You are not alone. We are here. We are queer. And we should be proud of it.

For me, Susie Green’s line about simply letting trans people know that they are safe around you resonated with me deeply. For me, it was a call to action. I couldn’t hide any longer, privately satisfied with my own answer that I guess I just won’t bother defining who I am. That approach didn’t sit right with me after that. I want to be known; not for my own sake, because I’m an asocial fuck who couldn’t care less what other people think of me. But hopefully to be recognised; for someone else to see themselves in me and think, “Hey, maybe that person could relate to me. Maybe they know a thing or two about gender dysphoria and would be willing to listen to me. Maybe that’s a person I could talk to.”

That was what motivated me to come out. But I’m writing about my decision to come out as if it was a very simple process. It wasn’t. I make it sound as if I was just getting on with my life; then I happened to see the charity stream; and that inspired me to come out, and so, I did. In reality, gender issues have been interwoven with my psyche my whole life. Videos and discussions on social justice, representation and important issues within marginalised communities are something I actively seek out. And even when I felt like I really wanted to come out — to show others that they would be safe with me, and that I would welcome them and refrain from judgment — there were still things getting in the way there, too. And it was difficult.

The first time I heard Susie Green’s story on the stream, about her and her daughter and how things could be made better for today’s youth, I cried a lot. I thought about it a lot. I watched nothing but Donkey Kong for days on end, and dreamt about it too: not necessarily about the game itself (but also about the game itself), but the people, and their voices and their thoughts and their stories. I was trying to make sense of it all. For over a whole month now — ever since my husband and I started watching the stream — my head has been filled with thoughts on gender. It has overtaken my entire life ever since, and that’s because I want to do more, be more — and even this first step of simply coming out of the closet myself has taken a lot of preparation. Far more than I thought it would, actually.

For over a month, I have lived, breathed and dreamed gender non-stop. And thinking non-stop about such emotionally heavy, difficult issues does take its toll; especially when you include the multiple conversations I had about coming out with multiple people, multiple times.

But those difficulties I experienced with coming out weren’t what was getting in the way of coming out. The real difficulty there was giving myself permission to be anything but “woman” in the first place.

Remember feminism? Remember that feeling I had that, if I were truly a feminist, I would be proud to be a woman — not actively wishing womanhood away. I had unlearnt and relearnt a great many things about what it truly meant to be a woman; and ultimately, what it meant was to be human, just the same way as men were human. But even so, I did not know where matters of discrimination based on sex ended, and matters of individuality began. When it came to how I felt about myself, how much of it was to do with my sex? How much of that, in turn, was due to sexism? How exactly did I feel about myself, on the individual level, if, hypothetically, sex and sexism had (and had had) no part to play in it?

I didn’t exactly know.

Fortunately, my subconscious had the answer, even when my conscious mind did not. Some of the dreams I had about the Donkey Kong stream were mindless, repetitive, and nonsensical; just as the Donkey Kong 64 game itself is mindless, repetitive, and nonsensical. I dreamt only of hbomberguy getting endlessly stuck on puzzles and wandering around in circles — not so different from the real stream, then(!) When he cleared one level, he was faced with another, and another, and another; the game stretching endlessly on, in the way that dreams do. But the final dream I had about the stream was far more emotionally significant.

In that dream, I dreamt not about the game, but the stream itself. I dreamt about the chat, and the Discord channel for other YouTubers and allies that had been set up there. In my dream, for whatever reason, I had been accepted to join the mic call. I was able to talk directly to Harry himself and the guest stars; I was able to be a part of the stream as it went out live over the internet. I was able to talk to them all first-hand. I wept at the opportunity, and I thanked them all so much for doing this; I wanted them to know how much it meant, for them to be so open and so brave and for standing up for what was right. I told them how wonderful it was to hear them talk about their own experiences and their identities, because I was still struggling with mine. I told them about my dysphoria and my disillusionment with being “a woman”; but how I lacked the certainty and the conviction to do anything about it. I also told them about the guilt I felt as a feminist; that pursuing an identity as anything other than “woman” felt like it would be very un-feminist of me.

At that, I could very clearly imagine Harry’s face and hear his voice as he gave a bewildered, “What?!” And, to be honest, it’s probably the same reaction I would have had as well, if someone else had told me the same thing. And that’s because, as Dream Harry went on to say, that’s not what feminism is about. Feminism is not about forcing yourself to be a certain way, or about trying to be what you think someone else wants you to be regardless of the personal cost to yourself — so much so that you end up disempowering yourself in the process. Feminism, rather, is about empowerment. It’s about giving a voice to the marginalised and, in the case of trans rights and gay rights, telling them that who they are is real, and that they are worthy, too.

The stream itself is proof of that. It’s an example of the community coming together to support trans rights and recognising that transgender identities are valid identities too. No-one should be forced into a box that does not fit them, but allowed to define themselves for themselves. That included me, too.

And it was weird when I imagined the YouTubers telling me this in the dream, because it made me think about how I would respond if it was somebody else telling me they were trans. And if someone else came to me saying they were trans, I would accept them straight away, exactly as they were. I’d encourage them to be true to themselves and do what feels right for them, whatever form that may take. My own personal beliefs are that trans women are real women; trans men are real men; non-binary people are real people (even though I didn’t know that non-binary identities even existed until recently); and that feminism is about raising everyone up and empowering them, and accepting and embracing everyone as they really are. I would never tell anyone else they were being un-feminist just for being themselves; indeed, I would fight for their right to be themselves. I would regard them with unconditional love, and respect what they were telling me about themselves; accepting it as true without question. I would never tell them that their identity was wrong.

But it took hbomberguy telling me the same thing in a dream for me to actually apply those principles to myself, too.

Until experiencing the stream and hearing the personal accounts of other trans people first-hand, I had still been tied down into thinking that being for women’s rights meant that I was locked into being a woman myself; or that I was doing some kind of disservice to the cause if I were to acknowledge myself as anything else. But, for everyone to be free to be themselves and to be accepted without hate and without prejudice is the cause.

That was a conclusion that maybe I should have been able to come to on my own; but either I couldn’t, or just didn’t. It took hearing all of the wonderful people participating in the Donkey Kong stream talking about their experiences for me to realise that, maybe I was okay the way I was, too.

Discovering feminism and learning that I could be exactly the way I was and still be a woman had been an important step for me. But it was not the end of my journey. I had to go a step beyond that. Knowing that I could identify as a woman, with no degradation to myself, was one thing; but learning that I could also not identify as a woman if I so chose was also an important milestone. There are more options in life than the arbitrary one we get assigned to us at birth; and for me, being so uncomfortable with mine, I saw no reason to try and force it upon myself any longer.

I hadn’t been at all sure at first where the line was between respecting women and recognising that I myself was not a woman. But now, with the help of feminism, the Nightmare Stream and the dream that it inspired, all the amazing people who participated, and even just the knowledge that an amazing charity like Mermaids even exists and is doing great work in the world… I think I’ve disentangled myself and disavowed myself from enough sexist notions that I know that it’s not that I don’t believe in being a woman. It’s that I do believe in being an individual. And as an individual, speaking on the personal level, not only do I not follow the stereotypes and/or the mandated patterns of behaviour prescribed for my sex; I don’t want to, either. There is still something to be said for how maybe those stereotypes ought not to exist in the first place, and maybe then I wouldn’t mind so much what my sex was or what my gender was. But they do, and so I do, and I know the path that has been laid out for me is not the one I want to walk down.

And I also know that, if I hadn’t’ve been motivated to come out now, even after hearing all those brave and courageous voices; even after hearing all those incredible stories of personal tragedy, triumph, and strength; even after experiencing something which, even though I was only an onlooker, nevertheless felt made me feel like there was a space for me after all, and made me feel like I was home… then I was probably never going to come out. Ever. If even that experience, which moved me so much, could not bring me to accept myself, then it would probably have never happened.

What Mermaids and the Donkey Kong Nightmare Stream gave me was something invaluable: they gave me permission to give myself permission to be who I was all along. It taught me that I was allowed to be who I was; and that who I was was okay. That’s why the work Mermaids does is so valuable: so that no child has to go through this all alone, navigating complex topics without the words to properly explain it. Mermaids gives love and support and important information and resources, so that each child can come to terms with themselves and accept themselves the way they are. And that’s much more preferable than being a grown-ass adult trying to get your shit together when you have no clue what you’re doing; scrambling to put the broken pieces back together when really, you were never broken at all.

 So, that leads me to writing this declaration:

 I know what it’s like to feel uncomfortable with the gender norms thrust upon you because of your sex.

I know what it’s like when your internal experiences of yourself are incongruent with said norms and other external expectations.

I know what it’s like to feel like you are wrong just for being yourself, and like an outsider in your own skin.

I know what it’s like when you are forced to acknowledge your assigned gender and a piece of you dies because that’s not who you are, and it starts to feel like you never can be who you really are as long as the world keeps reminding you otherwise.

I know what it’s like when even simple things, such as which box to tick on a form, can be a deeply divisive topic rife with internal conflict and strife. And I know and I loathe how, in my case, I have to opt for “woman” anyway, on account of my being female and there being no better option.

And I also know how I have struggled to come up with a satisfying answer about what a better option would have been, though I have found my answer now. (Although, going back to speaking more generally, simply including the simple and unassuming option “other” would be a start!)

 I don’t know what the fuck I am. But I know I’m not a cis woman.

Thankfully, there’s a catch-all term for that, and that’s genderqueer. That’s why I wanted to write this post: to come to terms with myself as my new identity, and re-introduce myself as genderqueer.

 And actually, the above line about not knowing what I am is no longer true, and that’s because I can get more specific than that now. Unlike when I first started writing this, I can now say that I do know what I am. Three weeks down the line, I can now say that recognising myself as genderqueer was the start of something beautiful. Through the process of writing this post — and having many, many private conversations and coming out many, many different times to many different people — I have been learning more and more about genderqueerness all the time; and, in doing so, myself.

Through those conversations and through watching and listening to the YouTube channels of other trans and non-binary individuals, I’m becoming more and more sure of myself. I’ve realised that I am very happy to identify as non-binary; and that non-binary suits me and my own situation very well. So now, it’s not that I don’t know what I am other than “not cis” and am relying on a catch-all umbrella term to cover me anyway; it’s that I know myself to be non-binary. It’s a far more accurate of a term for how I feel myself to be than “woman” ever was.

So, while I may at first have picked up the genderqueer umbrella due solely to its all-encompassing nature, only knowing at that time that I was “not cis”, it has nevertheless led to a journey of self-discovery where I’ve realised that, hey, I actually really fucking love this umbrella. And it’s a much more comfortable umbrella for me to fit under than the “woman” umbrella had been for me. It’s so much roomier under here!!

 So anyway, that’s what I wanted to say. I am bi; I am genderqueer/gender non-binary; and I am still questioning. I am B and T and Q; and LGBTQ+ folks, you are safe with me.

 fin

 P.S. Thank you, everyone who read it this far. Thank you for tolerating my self-indulgent trite as I waffle on about my own life when, all things considered, I have enjoyed an immense amount of “comfort” — or rather, the avoidance of misfortune — because of being able to pass. I have enjoyed a lot of love and support from the people closest to me and the ones I love the most, and that is why sitting down and definitively defining my gender — when really, it is something so personal to the individual — didn’t seem to make much difference to me as an individual before now. But it might just make all the difference to someone. I’m planning on expanding my thoughts on this (namely, gender identities vs individual identities) in a future piece of writing.

That said, if you are a LGBTQ+ person reading this (or someone who is unsure, or questioning) and you are not currently out, then despite my encouragement to make ourselves seen and our voices heard, please, please, please don’t come out if you feel it is not safe for you to do so. I am only coming out now myself because it is safe for me to do so; it was just inconvenient for me before, and that’s why I didn’t do it until now. Your safety and your well-being is the number one priority, so please, do not do anything you feel uncomfortable with or which you feel might put you at risk.

 P.P.S. To serve as something of a glossary: “Genderqueer” is just an umbrella term meaning “not exclusively masculine or feminine”; which falls within the umbrella term “transgender” meaning “anyone whose gender is different from that of their assigned sex”; which itself falls within the umbrella term “queer” meaning “anyone who is not exclusively heterosexual and cisgender”. There are several layers deep to this, and getting further down is just a matter of specificity.

For example, someone who is gender non-binary is genderqueer, who is trans, who is queer. Someone who is a “trans woman” or a “trans man” (as opposed to “trans” on its own) is someone who identifies as the binary identity woman or man, but were born male or female respectively. Thus, trans women and trans men obviously come under the umbrella of “trans”, but are not “genderqueer”, though they are “queer”. The Q in LGBTQ+ can thus be seen as a kind of tautology, because all LGBT individuals are by definition not heterosexual and/or cisgender, and therefore are all queer. But while all LGBT individuals are queer, not all Q+ individuals are LGBT, as they might identify as something else entirely not covered by its own letter. The Q can also stand for “questioning”. In this way, the Q catches all individuals who are unsure of where they fit in but who do not identify specifically as LGBT, and the + denotes the inclusion of all communities and identities not covered by their own letter (of which intersex, pansexual and aromantic/asexual, to name only a few, are examples).

The website OK2BME has a great page on this. Link here: https://ok2bme.ca/resources/kids-teens/what-does-lgbtq-mean/

 P.P.P.S. Interested in supporting trans rights yourself? To once again paraphrase Susie Green, Mermaids CEO, a good way to support trans rights is to support trans people themselves. Look up your local trans charities, donate or volunteer if you can, call out casual transphobia when you see it, and just generally be a friend. A number of trans individuals have crowdfunding campaigns active to try and help them cover the cost of transitioning, so that is an option as well.

YouTuber and Twitter user Mama Math (link here: https://twitter.com/hellomamamath) made a spreadsheet with links to some of the guests on the Donkey Kong Nightmare Stream who consented to be listed with the details of their websites or where to follow them. The spreadsheet also includes whether or not that person is trans. If you are interested in learning more about trans rights and what it means to be trans, simply listening to the stories of those who are trans and supporting the content they make is a great place to start. Link to the spreadsheet here: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1sdavyrGPnsrNdTxWBILoulCKxvIvzMkMaJoXPjNQcOI/edit#gid=0

 If you are interested in watching the Donkey Kong Nightmare Steam yourself, here are the links to the parts:

Part 1: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/365966431

Part 2: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/366901309

Part 3: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/367450055

Part 4: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/369226467

 P.P.P.P.S. (Okay, this is getting ridiculous now. This is the last post script, I swear!) In case you’re wondering, as I haven’t actually addressed it at all above, my preferred pronouns are “they/them”, as I consider “they/them” the most neutral and free of assumption. While I am not agender, I nevertheless prefer gender-neutral nouns and pronouns. I consider my own gender to be more fluid, and sometimes, “she/her” or “he/him” will feel right to me; but sometimes, they won’t. For example, if someone refers to me as “he/him” online, I won’t feel compelled to correct them and actually enjoy being referred to as such. I do not have the same euphoric reaction to “she/her”, though I understand that many people will fall into old habits and believe that it is the more “correct” term to use, even though actually it’s my least favoured out of the three. My point is that, sometimes, using “she/her” or “he/him” to refer to me may be acceptable; but using “they/them” is preferable and will always be applicable, so that is what I ask for you to use.

However, I do still have a feminine side to me, and as such, I will still relate with some feminine terminologies; but I am not “a woman”, nor do I relate exclusively to women. In this specific instance, I do ask for you to avoid calling me “a woman” and refer to me as “a person” instead.

I’m considered as something of the “mum” within the online gaming group, with others teasingly and lovingly calling me “mother”, and I love that. A very important person to me calls me “sis” or “sissy”, short for “sister”, and I wouldn’t want to change that, either. To my husband, I am still his “wife”. (I recently discovered I have a major aversion to “princess”, though, so that one’s definitely out…)

I am not truly gender-neutral, which is why I do not identify as agender; but rather, I encompass both masculine and feminine traits, and therefore I will adopt both feminine and masculine terms where they seem applicable. Some days I’ll feel more in touch with my feminine side, and some days I’ll feel more in touch with my masculine side. That doesn’t necessarily mean I want to reject all gendered terms completely, and certainly not all of the time. But I do want to introduce some gender-neutral ones into the mix, so that gender-neutrality is recognised as an option. Again, I am stating a preference, with my preference being for the gender-neutral.

As for my preferred name… well, I go by my online handle “Evani” within most game-related things, and I’m perfectly happy with that. In my mind, I know that the name “Evani” is short for “Evan-Evani”: an original character of mine who has both male and female selves (better known as the Animus and the Anima, à la Jungian psychology). Those selves are named Evan and Evani respectively, and thus they are collectively referred to as both names, even when they present as one whole and not as the two halves. I’m comfortable with my online name and don’t feel the need to change things there.

My “real” name, however… After a lot of thinking about it and batting around about a million different names and variations, I finally settled on one I was happy with: “Ievan”. (Pronounced just the same as “Evan”.)

I had been looking at all kinds of different names; starting with those which were variations on my birth name, to names which looked similar or shared the same letters, to ones which had the same semantic meaning. I couldn’t find any I liked, until a friend asked me what it was that spoke to my soul. At that point, I realised I had been trying to find a name “in keeping” with my birth name, “Stacey”; not for myself but to make the perceived adjustment easier on others around me.

But to be honest, I had never, ever liked the name “Stacey”; and changing how I spelled it to “Stacie” may have made it more tolerable, but even then, I still did not like it. I had been trying to find a new name I liked, based on an old one I didn’t. No wonder I had been having such difficulty!

Recognising that, it made no sense to base my new name for my new identity on my old one. The point of coming out as non-binary was to feel more comfortable with myself and my own identity; and adhering to my past name ran counter to that.

So, with my friend to bounce ideas off of, I took the search away from “Stacey” — the name I had never liked — and back to “Evani” — the name I had already adopted for myself some years prior and had used for myself ever since, albeit only in online settings.

I choose “Ievan” instead of “Evan”, which is perhaps the more obvious choice, because it’s an anagram of “Evani”. It also meant that, by slightly changing my online name from “Evani” to “Ievani”, I could create an amalgamation of both names. “Ievani” included both the names “Ievan�� and “Evani” within it, symbolising the dual nature of the masculine and the feminine and the great deal of overlap between the two; just as I experience an overlap and a merging of the masculine and the feminine within myself. I appreciated the symbolism, as well as the fact that “Ievani” captured the same meaning to it as “Evan-Evani” did; only much more elegantly, representing “Ievan-Evani” but with much fewer letters. Having taken to “Ievani” as I did, my choice of name for “Ievan”, as opposed to “Evan”, became an easy one to make.

Plus, by spelling the name as “Ievan” with the extra “i” and not as “Evan” (even though they are both pronounced the same) meant I could have the best of both worlds: I could have a name which sounded masculine, but looked feminine. It was a blend of both, and gave me a lot of versatility and adaptability to play around with as well, owing to the fact that you can draw a lot of different nicknames and short-forms out of it. Some examples: Ieva, Eva, Ev, Evi, Evie, Eve, Iev, Ieve…Now I can basically be called whatever I feel like being called, and friends and those around me can pick out their own personally-preferred nickname for me! It grants a lot of freedom and customisation, which I love. Now, when people call me by my name, I smile instead of cringe.

(As a side-note: yes, this does make me “Ievan Evans”, and you are right, it is repetitive! But I love the peculiarity. It’s been a running gag of mine to have characters in my stories whose surname is a repeat of their first name; the first one being “Evan Evans” — the aforementioned Animus — and another one called “Luca Lucas”, though the latter is technically an assumed identity deliberately made to parallel “Evan Evans”. Now I can be a part of the joke myself, too!)

Realistically speaking, I don’t expect everyone to switch over to “Ievan” straight away. Not everyone is going to read this post, and I’m not going to choose to tell everyone who doesn’t. It’s fairly common within the queer community to not come out to everyone, and not all at once. So I accept that, to certain people, I will still be “Stacie”. And that is fine. As long as I am happy with my own identity and the way I live my own life, I can make my peace with it if I will still be “Stacie” to them.

So, if you still want to call me “Stacie”, that’s fine. I won’t fight you over it. I just might not be fine with it; but even then, it’s fine.

In regards to my writing and my self-published works: my past works were published under the name “Stacie Evans” and, in that particular regard, I think I will keep it that way going forward as well. “Stacie Evans” can be my pseudonym as an author! (Which is ironic, because usually it’s the pen name that’s supposed to be the fictitious one…) While I could legally change my name, it would be a hassle; and right now, I’m happy just adopting it for myself and testing it out.

In short, I’ll be using: Ievan for real life (including Facebook, which is more personal); Evani for games; Ievani for other social media (which I consider a mix of both); and Stacie Evans for works of poetry or fiction, as well as with those who are uncomfortable calling me Ievan.

Feeling confused? Don’t worry. You can always ask to make sure! (Which is a good idea in general, about anything; and you can apply it with pronouns, too! I personally love it when people ask my pronouns, as it confers a sense of understanding, compassion and respect.) All questions are welcome, because I believe there is no such thing as a stupid question. All questions are a chance to learn more. (But please, keep it considerate.)

 Useful resources:

(not an exhaustive list; these are the things I have come across and have found helpful myself, so I am sharing them here too)

 Mermaids, a UK-based charity providing support for transgender children/ young adults and their families, as well as crisis hotlines, online forums and interventions: https://www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/

 The January Donkey Kong Nightmare Stream to raise money for Memaids:

Part 1: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/365966431

Part 2: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/366901309

Part 3: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/367450055

Part 4: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/369226467

 Spreadsheet of the participants in the Donkey Kong Nightmare Steam, with links to their Twitter and YouTube accounts: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1sdavyrGPnsrNdTxWBILoulCKxvIvzMkMaJoXPjNQcOI/edit#gid=0

 Let’s Queer Things Up!, a blog about all things queer: https://letsqueerthingsup.com/

 More from LQTU! content creator: https://samdylanfinch.contently.com/

 Specific article linked to on the above about what it means to be genderqueer: https://www.healthline.com/health/transgender/genderqueer

 Specific article linked to on the above about what it means to be gender non-binary: https://www.healthline.com/health/transgender/nonbinary

 Genderqueer Me, a website with featured voices from transgender individuals and their families, as well as online talks about trans issues and information regarding transition: https://genderqueer.me/

 OK2BME, supportive services for the LGBTQ+ community: https://ok2bme.ca/

 Private YouTube playlist I made of videos I have watched, discussing transgender and non-binary experiences and identities, which are of personal relevance to me in some way or which discuss things which are particularly useful or important when it comes to developing an understanding of the transgender spectrum (also not an exhaustive list; I plan to keep adding videos as I find them): https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLTv7NUhc6gDOr1AW13CmlZujWAEo2Msyh

[high-val-you]

Dove Commercial w Trans Mom

If you would like to feel outrage please look at the comments on this beautiful video reposted by a YouTube channel called the “Tea Partier”. Such as “Dove should not be celebrating mental illness.“ and “A B S O L U T E L Y D E G E N E R A T E“. I love this commercial. It warms my heart to see representation and have LGBTQ people represented as people. The amount of hate I see to the trans mother is heartbreaking. People saying it’s propaganda. Propaganda is information (sometimes misleading information) used to promote a political ideology. And in a way this is propaganda, I think there are a lot of good people at Dove who believe in representation, diversity, and inclusion as well as validating the experience of people who feel marginalized. I also think this is a good marketing strategy and ultimately if this wasn’t selling soap to young liberals then this commercial wouldn’t have been produced. It’s a form of pandering, but pandering to a community that hasn’t had a voice or representation and telling them that they’re valid is a powerful and positive thing.

On the side of those who view this as hurtful propaganda it’s the idea that this commercial is promoting something unnatural and wrong. A person born as a man raising his child as a woman is a menace to society, sick in the head, and going to spread his sickness to his child. It sees the commercial as promoting mental illness in order to appeal to SJWs and consistent with a theme of liberal media twisting the minds of young people and creating trans, genderqueer, and other equally abhorrent mental illnesses by normalizing them. Liberal media is making LGBTQ “cool” and infecting our children with dangerous beliefs. Our kids are going to “explore” by fucking everything in sight with no good Christian restraint or discipline. Being LGBTQ is the epitome of sodomy and unnatural wrongness and it’s a disgrace that it’s normalized here next to legitimate forms of mothering. Perhaps even said to be equal to obviously much better and more stable form of mothering. It comes with the assumption that the only way to raise a child is by a cis straight male married to a cis straight female. The child must be raised in a two parent household and the parents can NOT get divorced.

It ultimately comes from a place of wanting the best for children and not understanding that the best a parent can offer doesn’t necessarily come from the parent’s gender, or the number of parents. There are good parents where it’s a standard nuclear family. There are also broken marriages staying together for the kids where the parents’ emotional hurt is taken out on the children. If the trans mom was forced to fill the role of the stereotypical father then she wouldn’t be as good of a parent than when she is a trans mother at peace with herself and giving her all for her children. Also, just because she has had sex with a penis with another woman does not invalidate her identity as a woman, gender is more fluid than that.

I will admit, it may be harder for a single mother to raise a child because she may not have as much access to resources, or two income streams. She also will deal with the struggle of trying to be a professional with a child, because she must be a professional in order to support them. She may have harder choices to make than the average two parent household, but there will be hard choices for every parent no matter the situation. And I’ll admit the child of an LGBTQ couple might face different difficulties than a child of a traditional nuclear family, if only because of hateful people who don’t know how to react, but that shouldn’t invalidate someone’s aspirations to be a parent and raise a child to be strong and choose love. Sometimes parents fail. Sometimes LGBTQ parents will fail. That doesn’t make them invalid. Their kids are only as disadvantaged as those who cannot accept them force them to be.

I would also like to address the idea that LGBTQ leanings are a fad that is infecting the youth. As evidenced by the growing LGBTQ community that didn’t seem to exist when these right leaning peoples were growing up in the 70s. Yes there was free love, but that was on the fringes of society, the aids epidemic was a righteous smite by God on the Gays, and LGBTQ leanings were classified as mental illness by the DSM. This is the glory age of America, this is the time when we, the white rural middle class, were at our height and had the most wholesome American experience. This is the time we want to go back to when we say make America great again, the times of our youth when everything seemed pretty good, we had values that we stuck to, and we believed in God and hard work.

This doesn’t recognize that the same time in American history was characterized by systematic oppression of LGBTQ youth. People who were pushed to the edges of society and forced to live in hiding. People who asked, pleaded, for representation and acceptance for what they could not control about themselves. The LGBTQ “lifestyle choice” was a response to not having anywhere to go in mainstream media and therefore turning to the fringes of society and new identities that fit with their orientation and gender more fully. LGBTQ had to recreate and redefine themselves because the mainstream didn’t allow for them to exist. These are real people with hard lives that had to hide themselves and face a lot of discrimination. They didn’t have the internet then to recognize that they were not alone, so many remained isolated and went along with the moralistic stature of the general populace. They tried to do what everyone else was doing. Truth is, LGBTQ people have always existed and it’s not a trend or a choice. The only choice in the matter is “do I come out?”. And in the past the answer was usually “no”. The rise of gay culture is the rise of the fringes of society coming together, and it’s hard to recognize them as people when they’re so historically underrepresented and have never really been shown to be people, only demons tearing at the fabric of society.

And now gay culture is seeing a commercialization similar to the commercialization of black culture. It’s become “cool” to be fringe, to be gay. These people who were real victims are having their victimization exploited to sell art and used in commercials to move product. Just like it was cool to dress like and imitate the aesthetic of gangsters who were rapping about the violence and oppression of poverty and discrimination. It’s become cool to imitate the oppressed and marginalized LGBTQ community, that developed its own fringe aesthetic simply to stay alive and have an outlet in their American past. The fringes of society are being brought into the forefront in a way that exploits this group, while also promoting them. The popularization of PRIDE simultaneously lifts up and illuminates a community that has spent so long in the shadows, as well as selling an aesthetic that many young gays don’t respect the history of.

Overall I think this commercial is step in the right direction. It celebrates all types of mothers as people with equal opportunity to be good parents, or to be bad. It highlights the ability and possibility of different definitions of motherhood that affirms the humanity of the trans population. It does all of this while pandering to a neoliberal audience and utilizing a fringe community to sell soap, as well as angering a confused and scared right wing. It’s a good commercial.