#like way to make the loneliest worse it’s not even that there’s someone you want to see let alone who wants to see you

[smoooothoperator]

What Was I Made For?

05: The Loneliest

Charles Leclerc x driver!OC (Dafne Morelli)

childhood enemies, forced proximity, accidental pregnancy, enemies to lovers

Warnings: Charles POV, jaeloussy, Melanie (you'll see), maybehelovesherbutheissoidiottoadmititsohepreferstoactlikehehatesher.

a/n: Hiiii!!! I hope everyone is okay and excited because today is race day!! And Lando is onpole yayyyy. Also, I hope everyone has a great start of summer :3

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The first time the Morelli family met my family was during a trip we made to Greece during summer. Our families sat close to each other during the meals in the restaurant and our parents talked with each other, making us, the kids, hang out together.

The first time I saw Dafne Morelli, she was wearing a pink summer dress with little flowers in it, with her long chocolate hair tied in two pigtails, and her tiny hand wrapped around a plushie of a cat.

At first, we were friends, as friends as you can be with someone you just met. Her sisters and my brothers were the same age, the two of us were middle kids, and somehow we understood each other. 

The first time she said she hated me was a day I was feeling completely sick, wasted. That day I woke up with a stomach ache and I tried to hide it, not wanting to worry my parents, and somehow not wanting to miss the fun of the day.

Our families went together to a beach near the hotel, planning on spending the entire day there, having lunch in a restaurant that is on the first row in front of the beach. I tried my best to seat something, but that made it worse and the nausea kept growing, making me feel anxious.

“Charlie, are you okay?” Dafne was the first one to notice that something bad was happening to me, looking at me worried.

“Yeah, don't worry” 

I barely went to the water that day, staying in the towel, sitting there alone. Until Dafne came to sit next to me.

“Are you sure you are okay?” 

I nodded, looking away and making her sigh. But she stayed there with me. For a moment I thought I was feeling better, so I got up and looked at her, reaching for her hand.

“Let's walk to those rocks, I saw a cat over there” 

She got up with a jump and grabbed my hand, walking with me and searching with her blue eyes for a cat.  And when we found it, she smiled wide. She clapped her tiny hands softly, looking at the calico cat.

“It's so cute!” she gasped, pointing her finger to the animal. “Did you know that in Japan they think that a calico cat means luck?”

“Oh really?” I smiled looking at her. 

“Yes! They think that they scare the ghosts, that's why the men that work on the ships brought them with them. To scare the ghosts” she nodded.

“How do you know that?”

“I'm a cat lover”

I laughed and she looked at me, then at the cat. 

But what happened next was what started it all.

She held my cheeks with her hands and pressed her lips on mine quickly, making me flinch and keep my eyes closed. That was my first kiss.

Maybe it was the nerves because of it, or the fact that I ate when my stomach refused to be nice, or maybe it was the smell of the sea. 

But the moment she took a step back, looking at me with a wide smile, I threw up right in front of her, coughing and gasping.

I heard her gasp and fall back, making her hurt her hands and cry. I gasped once I felt my stomach empty, looking at her, watching how her hands had blood and tiny rocks in it and her eyes full of tears.

“I hate you, Charles Leclerc!” she cried, trying to get up and running away from me. She never called me by my full name.

Dafne Morelli. My first kiss. And the one that hates me the most.

When I started karting, my family invited her family to join us. 

Dafne never talked to me again, and somehow I felt bad because of it. It was like I didn't exist after that incident on the Greek beach. Even if I tried to explain myself, she always walked away, hugging her cat plushie.

I got confused because of that. At first I thought it was because she felt embarrassed, because I threw up just the moment after she kissed me. During all that week when our families were together for the first time, Dafne and I were stuck to each other, playing together and taking naps in the same bed.

At first I thought it was because she discovered the boys were disgusting. But then I saw her with Jules, smiling and talking with him, blushing. 

And somehow, that feeling I never knew I could feel, grew wild. Jealousy. I was jealous. But of what? Of who?

I saw her talking with other boys, smiling and laughing. And when she was near me, everything I received was a glacial gaze, with her blue eyes freezing me even on the hottest day of July.

But what I hated the most is that she started karting too. That Jules was helping her too. That sometimes she was better than me. That, no matter what, she always had her chin up and a proud smile, even if she lost a race or her engine stopped working. 

I started to hate her confidence. How people helped her. How, after she took me out of a race and I was practically sent to the mud, everyone ran to her to check if she was alright.

“Why do you hate her?” Jules asked me after I recognized, for the first time, that I hated her. “She's not bad”

“She is” I groaned. “She makes mistakes and people still congratulate her. It's because she's a girl? I'm doing better than her and no one comes to celebrate my podium like how they go to celebrate her points”

“You are jealous” he sighed. “You have to understand that girls do not always succeed in this sport. People cheer for her because she's brave and she tries. Why do you keep making it harder for her?”

Jules always knew that my career was going to be brilliant. He helped me be on the teams I liked, talked about me to the team principals. And he did the same with Dafne.

And I should feel proud that a woman I know was becoming famous, getting the credits for everything she did. 

But why couldn't I? Why did I always have to keep fighting her, teasing her? Why did I have that need of challenging her to see where her limit was? 

At some point, I forgot why I hated her. Was it because I was jealous? Or maybe because I

was afraid of who she would become if no one stops her? Maybe because people like her more. 

The morning I woke up next to her I felt somehow familiar.

That scent, one that never changed, was next to me again, making me dream with my childhood and those beaches with crystal clear water. It was warm and soft, making me remember that little girl that always asked me to take naps with her.

But when I noticed it was her, I immediately knew that it was a mistake.

Her loud voice made my ears ring, starting a headache I would have for the rest of the day.

When she made me look around the room I understood it. I slept with her.  And our naked bodies and the clothes spread over the floor said that it wasn't only that.

The anger she held in her eyes was something I never saw and it made my heart squeeze tightly, making me swallow thickly and take a step back.

But then, again, words started to blurb without control out of my mouth, making me dissociate from my own body and not understand what was happening. Why am I insulting her? Why is she screaming? Why am I provoking her? Why… Why did she say she slept with Mick? Why, why, why?

The moment her heel hit my chest and threatened me I knew I had to leave before things started to get worse.

This time I fucked up. Big time. 

Jules would be so disappointed with me. So, so, so disappointed. And disgusted.

When I closed the door behind me I gasped, turning around and just facing the door of my own room. 

I thought it was my room. I had sex with Dafne thinking it was Melanie. 

I clench my jaw and search for the key to my room, opening it carefully. But then I found something that, somehow, I knew it could happen.

Melanie with a random guy on my bed. Of course.

“Get out” I said, standing in front of the bed and looking at them. “The two of you. Now!”

They woke up and gasped, hiding their bodies with the blanket. I scoffed, shaking my head and grabbing clean clothes, searching for my phone.

Fuck, where did I leave it? I couldn't find it last night. Where is it? Maybe in the club of the hotel.

“You better be out of this room once I come back” I told Melanie and the other guy. “And whatever that you thought that was going on between us, is done”

I groan and get dressed in the bathroom, not looking at them before walking out of the room.

My mind was spiraling, getting flashbacks from last night. The words I said about Dafne. How angry she was. How did I get to this point? Why? Why can't I stop?

When I went to the club and asked if they found a phone, I knew someone stole it when the guard said there wasn't a phone on lost objects. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” I groaned, walking away and going back to the room. Thankfully, Melanie and that guy were no longer there.

I sat on the bed and sighed, looking around. Where is my phone, God damn it. 

After searching all over the room, and not finding it, I gave up and packed all my stuff to leave the room and go home. I'll have to give up the private jet and go home by car, using the GPS of the car and probably listening to the radio.

I walked out of the room with my backpack and suitcase, going to the hall and looking around to see if I could find my family. But they probably left already. Great.

I sighed, going to my car and placing my things there, starting the engine and driving out of the city, driving through the road on my way home.

Nearly four hours of silence, only with the occasional voice of the GPS. I hated it, but I started to think about everything that happened.

Did I really say that Dafne sucked dicks to get on her seat? That she doesn't deserve to be in Formula 1? Who was saying that? Me? 

Twenty years of knowing each other and I still can't understand why I hate her and why she hates me. And it feels that the only thing we know to do when we are around each other is to fight. Why can't we stop? It's so exhausting fighting with her. Why can't I go back in time and tell that little girl that I was feeling sick, that I needed to throw up and stay in bed? 

The moment I opened the door of my apartment I felt my body heavier than ever. I was exhausted, my head was going to explode and the only thing I wanted to do was sleep until tomorrow. 

But I knew I had to do things. I had to go to the bank to cancel my account, just in case whoever stole my phone decided to give themselves a feast and use the card of the phone to buy things. I had to go to the phone company to cancel my card and ask them to give me a new one. I had to use my laptop to close all the social media on my phone.

It felt like I was isolated. Things were happening without me knowing it. People were saying things without me knowing it.

I spent most of the day out, taking care of things and even buying a new phone, assuming I wasn't going to see my old phone anymore.

At first I didn't notice it, but everyone I found in the street or people from the stores were staring at me. Not in a good way, that's what I noticed after the fourth store I walked in. The smiles and welcomes were inexistent. No one walked towards me to take pictures with me. 

When I went back to my apartment, there was another pair of shoes at the front door.

Melanie.

“What are you doing here” I frowned, leaving the bags on the table. “I think I left it clear that I was done with you”

“You actually don't hate her, do you?”

I frown looking at her, clenching my jaw. What is she talking about?

“It’s only a facade” she said. “Come on, it makes sense! And it's perfect for marketing. What was the fandom calling it… Oh, right! Enemies to lovers”

“What are you talking about, Melanie” I frowned.

“You know, at first I was curious when I found out about you” she nodded. “When we matched on Raya I searched for you on Instagram. And there was something that caught my attention. You like brunettes. But not only that. Brunettes with blue eyes”

I clench my jaw, listening to her. There's no way she's saying what I think she will say.

“And then I saw her” she laughed. “Your so-called enemy, Dafne Morelli. How curious, huh? Brunette and blue eyes. You clearly have a type. And that made me think… You dated girls that look like her because you can't have her? That's so ridiculous, you know?”

“Who I date is none of your business” I frowned, trying to defend myself.

“Don't worry” she laughed. “In fact, I helped you to make it more obvious that you hate her. Just so no one will suspect about you being in love with your teammate”

“You are crazy” I groaned. “Me in love with her? Don't make me laugh”

“It wasn't me who went to her room last night to fuck her” she said. “And here's your phone”

I frown and look at her, grabbing her bag and placing my phone on the table. She had it? All this time?

“You should thank me” she smiled. “I probably saved you from telling a lie in public”

“A lie?” I frown.

“Oh, yeah” she chuckled. “Your boss sent you a text asking you to apologize for the words you said last night. I mean, you know what they say about drunk people, that they always tell the truth. And yesterday you were wasted”

I clench my jaw and grab my phone. She knew my code, I told her. What the fuck did she do?

“What have you done” I frown while reading the messages. 

“What you deserve” she laughed, getting up and walking past me. “You wanted to win? I helped you. You're welcome”

Before I could say anything to her, the door of the apartment closed behind her. I grabbed my phone and read everything. The messages I didn't write, the punishment I'll receive. Then the posts on Twitter and Instagram about what happened last night. The hate towards Dafne. 

What have I done?

~

Days went by. My family stopped talking to me disappointed by my actions. I don't blame them, I deserve it.

I tried to talk with Dafne's sisters, but none of them texted back. 

The days I went to Maranello she wasn't there, somehow she found a way of avoiding me just by looking a t the schedule. 

Everyone in the factory was mad with me, disappointed. And it's all my fault. I reached the limit of what was acceptable. And even if I thought about going to talk with Fred and explain that I didn't write those texts, I knew he wouldn't believe me. Why would he? He knew about my rivalry with Dafne.

So I had to accept the blame. I felt ashamed of myself.

“I just don't get it, mate” Pierre sighed, sitting next to me after we went to the golf course. “I knew you and Dafne were rivals since forever, even during karting. But what you said the other Sunday… I'm sorry, but I never imagined you would say something like that”

“I guess… I guess I'm jealous” I sighed. “And I know it sounds childish, that's the worst. But somehow, whenever I see her near me I dissociate and let my body work, watching how it acts alone without me knowing what's going on”

“And why can't you try and talk with her, to explain?” he sighed.

“Believe me, I tried to do that twenty years ago” I sighed, shaking my head. “And she just ignored me, running away. And I probably made her family hate me. So… Hurray…”

I sigh and hold my head with my hands, taking a deep breath. 

“You know she's receiving hate, right?” he sighed. 

“I know… and it's my fault” I groaned. “And I can't apologize because Melanie just did the stupidest thing ever and no one will believe me”

“I told you that girl was suspicious and you never heard…” Pierre laughed weakly, patting my back. “But maybe you should find another way to apologize. I don't know… Use your imagination”

“Yeah, sure” I sighed. “Can you… Can you ask Kika to keep an eye on her? I know they are friends”

“Of course” he nodded.

When I went back to my apartment I frowned when the receptionist called me to give me a letter.

“Seems important, sir” he said. “The mailman came asking for you to give it in hand, but I told him you were out. He asked me to give it to you personally”

“Thank you” I nodded, grabbing the letter and going to my apartment.

I sighed, sitting on the couch and looking at the envelope, opening it. 

And then my breath hitched when I read what it said.

She reported me. She really reported me for defamation.

Fuck.

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[drdemonprince]

I recently finished reading your book Unlearning Shame, and I absolutely loved it. I found the conceptual framework of Internalized Shame and your techniques for it so very helpful, especially when most ideas of mental health (anxiety and depression, trauma, etc.) have seemed insufficient and useless to me.

However, there was one thing that kind of bugged me the whole way through reading it. Your primary focus was the shame people face as part of marginalization, but often, this too felt insufficient for me. Like, I do face a lot of this flavor of shame: I'm an autistic trans woman, feeling like I'm cringey or childish or creepy or obscene or whatever are things that bug me daily, and restrict a lot of my freedom.

However, a lot of the shame I deal with stems from some kind of awful things I've done in the past, and this is perhaps the loneliest and most difficult kind of shame I deal with. To be fair, I think a lot of this has been very closely linked to my marginalization: people would interpret genuine mistakes of mine as signs I was some awful, manipulative predator, and quickly oust me from their friend groups as a result. If I had been an allistic cis man I would have faced far gentler behavior, or at least far more people would have justified the shit I did.

Regardless, very little in the book dealt with shame tied to guilt and wrongdoing. I remember there was mostly just this one tantalizing line about how even previous members of neonazi groups can benefit from speaking shame, but other than that, I didn't see much.

So my question here is, do you know how to deal with the shame of doing something really bad, and facing the consequences?

Thank you for asking, I'm glad you liked the book!

There are answers for you throughout the book, I think. Arguably, many of the examples of shame I outline involve feeling regret or shame over one's actions. People who do not recycle "enough" and feel profound shame and anxiety about it are people who have done something "wrong," in their minds. So are people who have repeated internalized transphobic/racist/fatphobic/etc messages to other people who share the same identities as them. These people's actions are systemically caused, and they are suffering from those same systemic forces that provoked them to take actions they feel bad about.

You aren't any more morally culpable than any of them, and you aren't qualitatively different from them -- even if you are likely telling yourself that what you did is so much "worse" and so much less justified.

You can find much of the advice that I apply to people who feel ashamed about an experience (a rape survivor, say), apply equally to you as someone who might have done something you view as "wrong." You can also look to the material in chapters 7 and 8 about finding grace and perspective for others who have done wrong to us, and apply much of that yourself. A person must be held in community before they can be held accountable, for example. Understanding the circumstances that contributed to your behavior is important, which it sounds like you've already done some work on, as is contemplating the needs you were attempting to meet with your actions, and the social supports you currently still need in order to move forward.

If someone has taken actions that go against even their own morals and they feel profoundly ashamed about it, I'd say they are generally still in a state of far-reaching systemic shame that goes far deeper and requires far more healing and support than just addressing the morality of their own actions. There's usually a lot of shame about one's identities, deprivation one is facing, fears of abandonment and attachment insecurities, and other major issues going on. Because a person wouldn't just violate their own moral precepts for no good reason.

No one wants to feel that they are a horrible person according to their own personal standards of goodness. A person's actions always make sense within their own context, and so when someone does something "wrong," either they have done something that they do not actually believe to be wrong, but fear societal judgement for, or they have been pushed to the brink by extreme distress, deprivation, abuse, indoctrination, political repression, exclusion, or likely a combination of those things.

I hope this is making sense. If you feel ashamed of something you have done, you need the exact same healing, safe vulnerability, social support, and trust as someone who is ashamed about something over which they have no control. There is no difference, you are no more deserving of that shame, and shame still will not prevent you from changing your behavior for the better. You can believe wholly that your actions in the past were wrong, and uphold your current values in the present, without deserving to feel any more shame about it.

[the-feral-one]

Whoa hang on I thought you Wo were afraid of Pao? Did I miss something?

Wo: "While it was true that I did fear him, it was mainly because of what the tyrant that had possessed him was making him do. The old tyrant hated me and wanted nothing more than to...destroy me. After I found out how he was freed, I asked him about what it was like to have him in control. Pao refused to talk at first, but he did eventually find himself able to tell me. After hearing about how the tyrant had held him for so long in a seemingly-endless mental struggle, I spent a long time helping him to recover. I...don't know if he would like to talk about what it was like any further, though. B-but one thing that I do want to say is that, if I said anything mean towards Pao, or if I ever said that I hated him, that I was aiming those words towards the tyrant. Pao is the oldest friend I have, and I really don't want to see something like that happen to him again."

Pao: (he comes into view after Wo had left) "I never hated him. I always knew that tyrant had his favorites, and Wo wasn't on that list. Whenever Wo was by himself, I spent a lot of time with him. I knew how lonely and anxious he could get, so he really appreciated it whenever I did that. The tyrant did treat me with a lot of respect, even giving me my own armor at one point, but he couldn't keep me from being one of the only friends that the loneliest Pokemon in the castle had. Things were already quite dreary for Wo, but they got worse following the..."

Pao makes sure Wo isn't within earshot before continuing.

Pao: "...the scribe's execution... I saw Wo's rampage, and I was there for what happened afterwards. The tyrant had tried to get rid of him, and when he couldn't, he threw him downstairs. I spoke to him through the door, and he spoke about how he wanted out of the castle, and how he wanted to live elsewhere in the region to avoid anything to do with the tyrant or anyone associated with him. What the tyrant did following his demise is part of why I chose to have the swords cut short too. After everything that's happened between way back when and now, I am quite glad that I'm able to show him my actual self, instead of having someone in my head telling me how to act."

[skyofatreecalledlife44]

I kind of always had this feeling that someone was watching me. Like my life was the Truman show. I swore I invented that concept. But so did a lot of people. Then in 4th grade I saw Psycho the remake and I discovered multiple personalities. I thought it was so cool to be two people. Although I didn’t want my Mom to be one lol. I became obsessed with the movie and the concept. So I I started imagining that people were able to come into my mind. That they were there throughout my day. Just watching. I rarely did dialogues for them cause I knew I couldn’t replicate them or the characters they portrayed. Then it just became a habit. Bored in 4th period bring Vince Vaughn, Anthony Hopkins or Haley Joel Osment into my head. I used it as a way to socialize myself and not be awkward. To make friends. So I would imagine they were there all day. I’d tell them my whole life. And when they were “there” I wouldn’t do stupid gross kid shit like pick my nose or fart whatever. Just be more used to being socially acceptable. Then by like 13 it was an obsession an addiction. I felt like I was alone in my life with my mental health so I did it to feel comforted. And they became so real to me that to this day I question if they were truly there. All the way up until 30. Every person I was interested in and wanted to be a part of their life I imagined in my mind. Designed an IMAX theater for them to watch like it’s through my eyes. The kind you could lay on the ground and look up. It was cheesy but it kept me going through the loneliest times. Alone in jails or hospitals. Or just when I was drunk and sad. Somehow I don’t know I feel that line became distorted and misunderstood. Someone may have noticed and caught on. Now I’m too humiliated to do it anymore. And I miss it. I would imagine a life with say Anthony Hopkins or Aaron Lewis and us living somewhere else. A fantasy I could vividly see. Its pathetic now my obsession isn’t alive so I know he can’t be here. Heath Ledger and I want him to be but I also know he’d laugh at me like everyone else. I’d laugh too probably if it wasn’t me. But one of them can, his costar and some other actors musicians. But I’m sure they just laugh. I’m the biggest joke in this state and country. It’s so dumb. I hate what I let become my only legacy. And worse I lost my inner peace and serenity. I lost the ability to dream.

Watch no one even knows my name. I’m just a narcissist. And a lunatic.

[petruchio]

Caroline I got broken up with 😭

What’s worse is that I have “want him back” disease and it’s terminal. It was a 6 month deal so it was long enough to be serious but short enough that I have very little to hate about him yet. (Yikes)

I spent a really long time holding him at arms length too, (being an avoidant girlie, I know you know) but I’ve spent some decent time now actually liking him and working on not being avoidant.

I tried so hard to be authentic and consistent rather than fearful and avoidant. (I’m the bravest girl in the world) but it wasn’t enough! Ive lost it all, and I have no one to blame. Not even me.

(It was a circumstantial breakup, but just I think getting back together is unlikely.)

So, sitting here trying not to miss him / think about how much I really liked him, I’m considering reading thg again, in your honor. Any food for thought on the series this time around? I’m in desperate need of a distraction.

We can be two single besties together🌟

ah my sweet angel!!! i'm so sorry!!!!

heartbreak is so so so hard. it's one of the hardest, loneliest, most frustrating feelings, and i'm so sorry. it SUCKS! there's no two ways around it. it just sucks.

it's cliche and unhelpful to say but honestly the only thing that can really heal it is just time. and when you're in the depths of the lowest lows it can feel like you'll NEVER move on, but i promise (I PROMISE!!) that someday you will. <33

a circumstantial breakup can hurt so deeply, because you don't necessarily know where to direct your anger and your hurt, and that's so frustrating when you're trying to work through these feelings! i don't know if there's anything you can do other than acknowledge that -- say to yourself, this SUCKS and it's not FAIR and i'm ANGRY about it. you don't have to be angry at him (unless he was mean or nasty when you broke up!) but it's okay to acknowledge and feel your anger, even if your rational brain is telling you that you did all the right things. let yourself be irrational. that's what heartbreak IS.

from your message, i will say this -- i'm SO proud of you for working through the difficulties of being open and honest and vulnerable with someone! that's no small task. i think every relationship we have in our lives teaches us so much about ourselves and how we can grow and evolve, and the fact that you were able to identify when you fell into those patterns and actively work to stop them... that's incredible! and you should be so proud of yourself for doing it. i don't think you've "lost it all," i think you've shown yourself that you are capable of showing up and giving 100% of yourself to someone no matter how scary it might feel. and while it might feel like a loss right now, there's something to be said for gaining that level of insight into yourself and your relationships. as joni mitchell would say, "something's lost but something's gained in living every day" -- and you did! you showed up to really live your life and love as boldly as you could. i'm so proud of you.

i don't think you should feel guilty for missing him or wanting him back!! all you can do is just feel it all -- let your fantasies of getting back with him and the conversations you have with yourself in the mirror teach you about yourself and what you want and what you need. feel ALL the feelings. try to make them into art. journal, cry, sing. listen to sad music, listen to angry music, listen to happy music and hate the singers for being so happy when you're so sad. go for long walks and draft detailed letters that you'll never send and talk to your friends until they tell you to just SHUT UP about it already but know in your heart that they're there for you and that you'll be there the same way when it happens to them. let yourself feel alone, let yourself feel lonely -- but hold tight to the knowledge that you are surrounded by so much love in your life.

sending you sunshine and cheek kisses and a warm hug. <3 make yourself a cup of tea and re-read the hunger games and fall in love with peeta all over again -- it will get better <33 i promise

[sourbunnyx2]

Chapter One, The Puppeteer/Reader

Summary:

After years of suffering through loneliness and worsening paranoia, you come face to face with the embodiment of your fears. Something really has been watching you all this time... And now? It's shown itself and has an offer for you. Will you take it and escape the never ending torment you've been enduring? Or do you still have hope left in you?

Cross-posted to Ao3, all chapters available there as of currently, --- The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."

 ― F. Scott Fitzgerald

So many years. It had been so many years that you had been on this Earth- too many now. You couldn’t remember why you kept going these days. Your friends? Already, they were so few in number but when you found yourself in a rut, they vanished like ghosts in the wind. How did it end up like this? Well, you could say that it was always screwed up. From your first memory to your last, you were always on the crevice of society. Maybe that was why, even when you were all alone, you could almost feel the cold shiver up your spine like someone was watching you.  

You didn’t celebrate birthdays anymore. There was nothing to celebrate and no one to celebrate with. The excitement life promised you seemed so far away. Just to get your adrenaline going, you found guilty pleasure in the slums of men and women, in watering holes. The loud music and bright lights dulled your senses and you wandered aimlessly through dancing bodies. Even they didn’t pay you any mind. The bartender didn’t offer you the same smile he offered the others. You didn’t smile back at all.   

When the glass you ordered found its way into your hand, you looked around the room for something. The ice froze your hand through the glass but the sting kept you awake. When you were home, the feeling of loneliness had been oppressive, but when you found yourself here… It was somehow less so. You could forget that when you were kicked out and sent on your way, that you’d open the door to your empty apartment and find no sounds. You could forget that today marked the day of your birth and not a single card made its way into the mail. You could forget that you owned so many party dresses but no one batted an eye. You could forget that creeping feeling of something watching you.

The taste of alcohol burned the back of your throat. This was only your first glass, the first of many. Your eyes scanned the room from beneath your lashes. Under your breath, you muttered the only word you could manage through your thoughts. “Pointless…”

Years ago, when you had been just a young girl, at least your parents would look at you. Where had that gone?  From the very edge of your gaze, you saw a man moving towards you from across the room. Your eyes narrowed and you turned your back on him before he could get closer. You knew the game well enough by now. He’d ask to buy you a drink, you’d give in, he’d try to take you home… Blah, blah, blah. Another sip and your cup was already getting empty. You were still so thirsty. A quick nod to the bartender and another was on the way. He knew the game too.

The stool next to you moved, its legs scraping against the floorboards with a noise that made you cringe. A sense of guilt and annoyance merged inside you as you ignored the stare of the man who had sat way too close for comfort.  “Hey, baby.” He purred. His breath smelled of alcohol- probably worse than yours did. Turning your head to get a good look at your antagonist, you realized that he was shitfaced. His cheeks were flushed, his blond hair messy with sweat from dancing and his stupid smile made you almost want to slap him.

“I’m not your baby,” You hissed, even your own desire couldn’t make you tolerate him. You knew his intentions. “And keep your money, I have my own.”

As if on cue, another drink was slid in front of you just in time for you to finish your last. Ignoring the hurt and growing irritation on the drunk man’s face, you started on your next sip.  “Don’t be such a bitch, baby. Come on, you know you’re not going to get another chance with a guy like me…” His hand wandered, starting on your thigh. He could feel your body tense up beneath his touch, but he was too far gone to think it through. You resisted the urge to call him a pig. The urge to slap him, the urge to slam your glass against his head. You knew nothing good would come of it even if the impulsive emotion begged you to. Briefly, you wondered if your drinks at home would be as good as the drinks here.  Taking a long sip from your glass, you rested your hand on his. For the first time tonight, you smiled but it was far from genuine. It was a smile that only a woman who had reached the very end of her wits could have. Your nails dug deep into the bone, you could feel the tear of flesh beneath your claws just as he yelped and pulled back. When he opened his mouth to growl something in retaliation, you cut him off by talking to the bartender. “How much do I owe you?”

The walk to your house was longer than you were used to. Maybe it was your heels that made your feet feel so sore, maybe it was that you didn’t have enough to drink to numb you from the crisp night air. You forgot your jacket but it was too late to go back for it now, it was probably long gone, snatched right off the stool next to you and comforting some other woman in her time of need.  Worse than the cold was the feeling of being followed. You listened closely but there were no footsteps. There was no one around. The streets were strangely barren, even for the time of night. That didn’t give you any comfort. As much as you wish you could just sum it up to paranoia, over the last few months, you could swear that someone was waiting to get you alone… But if that were really the case, they would’ve had more than enough chances by now.  

Little did you know that you were right about your feelings.

Along the way to your apartment, between the houses were tons of small alleys. Garbage cans and stray cats filled them up, leaving them filthy but warm enough for the homeless to find shelter in the colder of the seasons. What a shame that these weren’t the only things prowling in the shadows.

He had been watching you for as long as you could remember… But of course, you didn’t. He knew even then that you would be the perfect puppet for him. He saw it in your beautiful little face, he saw it when you played alone in your room at night… But he couldn’t have taken you that long ago. You were too young, hadn’t seen enough of the world. People would’ve still missed you. That was the issue with tragedies. That was the issue with children. Nobody cares when a full-grown woman with no friends or family disappears in the night… Everyone cares when a child does. That was when he decided that you were worth the wait. After all, all good things come to those who wait. His lips pulled back into a nasty, golden smile as he watched you make it to the steps of your apartment. You were home at last. You were safe and out of the cold. He knew your routine by now, too. A golden tongue danced along his lips as he recited it to himself.  First, you’d slip yourself out of your party clothes. You’d run a shower to get the filth of the night off of you. That would take you a good hour, most of it spent sighing and thinking before you slipped out and found yourself some more comfortable clothes to unwind in. The rest of the night would be spent with dinner and movies until you eventually fell asleep on the couch.

That was his favorite part of the night. You, helpless and alone, curled up on the couch as he hovered over you. The golden glow of his eyes illuminated your face. You always looked so peaceful to him. He always wondered how beautiful you’d look broken and on a shelf, waiting to be used by him. Another puppet in his collection. Some may have called him a hoarder, but that simply wasn’t true. “Don’t you worry, my dear…” He whispered to the air. His breath didn’t fog as a human’s would. His voice was static, soft. “I’ll take wonderful care of you…”

Inside, you were fumbling to find your keys. In reality, you were dreading being here. You were so sick of the same thing every day. You were sick of the drowning silence. You were sick of it all. When the cold metal grazed your hand, you held your breath. It was easier to unlock the door when you were thinking about anything else.  Today, for some reason, it felt so much worse. Maybe it was because of the significance of the date, maybe it was just you overthinking it, but you thought you could almost hear someone calling your name when the night winds brushed against the hallway window.  Finally, the lock to your apartment turned with a heavy click and you were let inside. The first few steps were relieving but when you looked around, seeing everything exactly how you left it, you could feel the frown taking your features. It took you all but a few minutes to get on with your routine, to get ready to shower and settle in when you heard it again. Like a radio crackling and searching for a signal. Like your name suffocated by white noise. It was a voice… But… You didn’t own a radio.

“Hello?” Reaching for a towel, you wrapped it around your body and peeked out from the bathroom. “Uh… Is anyone there?”  

You were hoping that maybe it was your neighbor or your landlord coming to check on you. That wouldn’t be too out of the ordinary, but they would’ve knocked. That’s when the horrible idea coursed through you that maybe someone had broken in- maybe someone had been watching you.  Yet, you waited for a response. Frozen.  Nothing. There was nothing, no sounds. No footsteps. The only sound you could even pick up on was the howling winds outside. They were growing stronger now. A storm was brewing. You couldn’t help but laugh at yourself, to laugh at how scared you were for no reason as you shut the bathroom door and hopped into the shower.

In your living room, unbeknownst to you, a poltergeist had begun to materialize. A dark cloud morphed and changed into the levitating figure of a man. His hair, which was long, wispy, black and tucked beneath a gray hat, could’ve almost been dirty. His skin was gray and deathly. The only colors to him were the golden strings that seeped out of his fingertips and his matching, sinister eyes.  From the bottom of his throat arose a laugh. Oh, how easy it was to unnerve you. All these years, he watched you slowly drift further and further from society. All these years he waited to strike. What better day than today to make you his new toy?  Like snakes, his threads danced around the floor beneath him, finding places all over the room to nest. The lights flickered and failed, leaving the room only illuminated by him. This would be his birthday gift for you. You’d come out of the shower and he’d whisk you away. Never again would you be alone. Never again would you feel afraid. Your screams would be short-lived once you bowed to his whim.

However, as his patience wore thin, he made the decision to go to you. He waited all this time and now, he was so close. Every step he took made his smile grow wider but just as he reached out one of his gray hands to grab hold of the doorknob, he heard the shower's water stop.

[cntrpt]

Questions from @no1islost 's post

Ten Fun Tumblr Facts

1. Username Meaning:

cntrpt — 2020, me trying to come up with a nickname; I was watching She-Ra and the Princesses of Power at the time, so I took out the vowels from my fav's name (Entrapta), put the first letter of my name in front of it and said it works. Yes, I'm perfectly aware it looks strange and random. It's because it is.

BlackBelladonna — 'Black' from Black Widow, 'Belladonna' from RWBY; those were the two main fandoms I was in when I finally decided to sign up to AO3 (still are, but--)

2. Are you new or a Tumblr veteran?

I've joined a couple of years ago maybe, so I guess pretty new. I didn't really use it regularly for the first months though

4. Do you have any other Tumblrs?

Nope, I don't think I could handle it, too much commitment😂

5. What are you currently listening to?

The Loneliest by Måneskin, it was everywhere last week and it got stuck in my head

6. What is the theme of your Tumblr?

Mostly random stuff from the fandoms I'm in + things I find relatable + literally whatever

7. How many followers do you have/how many do you follow?

Followers not many, and I'm pretty sure 1/4 of it are bots and another 1/4 started following me by accident, since this is not a blog focused on anything in particular lol

Following honestly even less, around 30, but occasionally I get inspired and start following some new blogs in a row

8. A message for your followers?

Why do you even follow m- ok no, well, if you want/need to talk about literally anything, anonymously or not, I'm always up for it! If you're worried about not knowing what to say or for it to be awkward, trust me, it can always become worse, but I'll try my best <3

9. Favorite blog you follow?

The ones I've talked to🥰 Then there are some art ones, but really, I care more about the people than the blog itself, that's also why I follow so few. If I start following someone only for the posts, and then they stop making that specific kind of content, I would feel bad to unfollow :')

10. Favorite thing about your Tumblr?

It's a place where I can talk about whatever is on my mind, and there's no pressure in doing literally anything. We don't see the number of followers of others or if they are or not online, it's like everyone is simply existing in their own bubble while still being willing to share it. Sometimes other people enter your bubble and sometimes they don't, but there's no way of being always aware of that, so whatever happens, happens, you just have to keep doing what you like

[littlepuddingsworld]

Exactly. I could rant about this forever, but I'll keep it short and (relatively) shallow lol

I don't know if it's the insecurity and impossible beauty standards, the high standards for partners, the economy or just the fact that people realised that some people are just not worth spending time with (to be fair, society sucks as a whole), but society has been fucked for at least a decade. And it makes me so incredibly sad that some people are just unable to get close to someone. Be it due to insecurity, prejudice, toxic masculinity, trust isses, or anything else...it is so say to see people go crazy because they lack the emotional connection that humans desperately need. We think that we are better than animals, but we need everything they need too. Like actually get close to someone.

Now, I know that there are people addicted to sex and porn, all for various reasons, but it is still so sad to me.

I have a wonderful girlfriend and I tell her everything. She has always been there for me and I will always be there for her. So it's very sad to see some genuinely unwell people continue to neglect relationships because they're scared or think that they're above it...

People have always been horrible, it just sucks that companies find a way to profit off loneliness and horniness...

Sorry for the yap session, my friend.

yes!!! don't apologize, I'm always open to almost any discussions and questions, I adore to read the thoughts and perceptions of others! it's a huge & invaluable experience :3 unfortunately, they have not yet invented a way to look at someone else's head, so need to use these boring words and expressions to learn more about the perception of others /hj /playful

(happy for your good relationship with your person, also!!! adorable<3)

what is happening now is a canonical event™, when have the greatest access to any information and physical benefits, and now things like ethics, building emotional connections, taking care of our mental state and the value of taking care of our non-physical state are really important - but it still sucks.

not surprised that the current generation is already considered the "loneliest"; not because of "social networks interfere with socialization", but because not everyone has the skills to build relationships, especially those that meet current standards. we look at unrealistic standards of beauty that can only be achieved if we are lucky with genetics and money for surgery and using filters and Photoshop, and we want "this"; we look at pictures of relationships, family, parenthood, children in the media and we want "this".

the time of access to psychology (often of poor quality), many psychological techniques and Internet communication with a variety of people makes the situation even worse, since anyone needs physical contact (and being around a living person). we are collective animals, we need to be close to each other, but we do not know how to build relationships with each other at all, except by the standards of the past, when you had a connection only with those who are close to you or whom your family chose - but now it does not work. in animals, this is from birth, while among humans there is no identical way of courtship - there is not even a "relationship standard". if earlier, having met the same "freak", you stayed with them forever, because "when will I be so lucky?", now your choice of a potential partner is incredibly huge - and because of this, you are not ready to stop until you are sure that you have chosen the best.

people receive a huge amount of contradictory information from everywhere that needs to be constantly filtered, including relationship-related information that is based on the experience of ancestors whose relationships were not healthy. hetero relationships are in decline because there is too much difference in worldview and views on the family between genders, associated with neopatriarchy and, perhaps, the greatest freedom for feminine persons; homo relationships are still banned in a number of countries, demonized and have no standards in society, constantly experience heteronormativity and internal struggle. and society still doesn't know if it's okay if you want or don't want a relationship without romance or a relationship without sex, or if a family is a family if a couple doesn't have children. if there were not many alternatives before, now there are so many that a person cannot choose, has no directions and is forced to move blindly - or not move at all.

"it used to be better" - yes, because before the standards were the same, no one cared, society lived on toxic remnants and continued to constantly struggle with any deviation from the norm. now we need to build new norms, but no one knows how, because what was previously considered the most important - sex and children - are now devalued and available even without marriage and relationships. "why should people meet now?" "why build relationships?" "why should I look for someone?" "robots will replace people" - society will become normal only when people realize that neither robots / androids, nor artificial wombs / sperm, nor AI, nothing will replace another person. person can live in isolation and be a self-obsessed creator for as long as they want, but sooner or later they will want to be among people at least for a while. because man is born an animal, but only society makes "human" human, and outside of society a human cannot be the human.

[witheringdove]

wondering how you ask for help when you hate yourself through and through. its not even, bad per say, i can live day by day but i don't like who i am or what i do or what i say or anything, really. other people need help more than me. there are people who sh. who want to die. i cant lie and say the thoughts dont plague me like a goddamn shadow, but ive always been too chickenshit to try.

funnily enough, i was not feeling great the other day and sat in the shower to cry. pathetic, i know. i felt like shit doing it. there's a steaknife that rests on the rim of the bathtub. the tip was chipped off somehow. the serrated edge was particularly useful for dragging hair from the drain. i left it there because it was too filthy to bring back into the kitchen. contaminated by the gunk between the curled fibers of my own hair.

i held it. while the water ran down by back. tears stinging in the crook of my eyes. my wrists are pale, unblemished. suited for a life where i wasn't made to suffer physically. privileged, soft hands.

the teeth of the knife rested on my wrists before i could catch up with reality.

did you know I work with knives? i cook often. i butcher meat, slice vegetables and sharpen my knives with incredible care. of course, sometimes i accidentally get cut. it's only natural.

this is to say,

i know how easy it could have been

the teeth are meant to chew through flesh. the ridges make for an efficient way to slice through tough, raw pieces of steak.

you have to saw back and forth. dont put your weight behind the knife, let the blade do the work. that's what it was made to do.

the teeth pressed on the skin.

...

of course i was too chickenshit to do anything.

heart in my throat, i was terrified. it almost felt like i wasnt the one doing this. that someone elses soft, pallid hands were wrapped around the black hilt. that i was a victim in all this; that i wasn't the one to blame.

then i dried myself.

ate dinner.

went to bed.

because nothing happened. hovering at the edge of cliff without leaping off of it hardly counts as death by falling, doesnt it?

still.

it haunts me.

i know i hate myself. i live with that knowledge in my chest. i swallow it everytime im sat down and my family looks at me with pity in their eyes-- my eyes. i know i should say something. see someone.

but the thing about this -- this weight -- is that its never serious enough to waste everyone's time. it'll sit on my shoulders until i can no longer bear it, then i break, fall down, but it clings to my skin, it sits in my chest, it stares at me through the mirror, it never leaves me. but still, ive never officially done anything.

i dont know. i just... dont know.

sometimes it feels like im trapped. because i cant say this to anyone i know in real life. forget my family, my friends -- either they dont believe me or try to get me to see someone who'll only tell me that its not that serious, because in truth, it probably isn't. and then ill just be complaining. then ill drive people away because i cant see myself in a good light. if i try something, then ill only make them worry. ill cause them undue stress and hate myself even more.

there have been times my cover has slipped -- once, maybe twice. someone i love will stop me and ask if im okay. how do i tell them i hate myself? how do i voice any of this? how do i break my trust with them, stress them out, make them worried or worse, make them doubt me? i always answer in the same way because it just too much. i always freeze up. i always deny. i always run from it. i cant... its like i cant admit it outloud. i just write in these stupid fucking posts because there's no where else for these thoughts to go. no one to listen. no one to give a shit.

its the loneliest i ever feel.

this, and when i sit at the floor of my bathtub, curtain of hot water falling over me, knife in hand.

[goremet-chef]

me feeling guilty for not saving someone in my dream like i

if i knew what was going on i wouldve got him im so sorry man if it happened too fast and i shouldve known i shouldve called out or grabbed him but i just panicked and ran and he fucking died because of me

i know i shouldnt be so upset, it was only a dream, but

my dreams are very vivid, and it doesnt help that like. when im stressed, i dissociate, and my brain tends to wander to the worst possible scenario, and itll stick. i find it really really hard to pull myself out of it because to me, what happens in my head seems just as real, maybe even MORE real than what happens irl

so even if its been hours since the stressful event, i might still be just as stressed (maybe even more stressed) because im stuck in a "what if" scenario that will play itself out fully and its hard to shake it off

that happened in my dream, something bad happened at our highschool and even after i escaped and ran to my friends house, i was in her house and crying and begging for her help because i could still hear the screams and shit even though i was far away and safe

i think THATS what really fucked with me, my brain playing off of my own trauma response and applying it to my dreams just made it so real, cuz yeah i am stuck in horrible events typically, any time they happen im stuck there even after they end, stuck in a spiral of what couldve happened if things got worse you feel me?

even after im awake and its been several hours i still feel that same dread, its making it hard to breathe

the worst part? the dream was so good at first. i was friends with a youtuber i watch and we went to school together and i sat with his friends on the first day cuz he invited me and they were accepting of me being trans and i fit right in immediately as one of the guys. i was so happy man. it felt so fucking good to just be seen as i am, for someone to be EXCITED to know me, even if i was new

its something i struggle with constantly, i just never really fit in no matter where i go. even when i make friends, and things seem to be going great, ill second guess myself and step away. ill perceive rejection where there isnt any and ill assume they dont want me around, etc. its a never ending cycle of me being unable to keep anything good, its so.

AGGRAVATING it suck ass. sometimes its not even me! i know i say this a lot but i mean it genuinely when i say that normal people find me offputting and weird immediately. there is no second guessing, there is no oh maybe ill get to know him, NO. i freak people out with my mannerisms alone, and its really sad. i didnt have hardly any friends in highschool since i moved from my hometown to go, i made a total of 4 over the course of 3 years, and of those 4, 3 moved away. my last year was the saddest loneliest thing ever, all my teachers thought i was depressed and thought i wanted to kill myself so they were all nice to me and checking on me. it was so humiliating? to be so isolated that people NOTICE yr isolated

nevermind when i started hallucinating, that was soo great 😁 really loved that era /s

my life has been drowned out with such a profound loneliness that i dont even know where to start to combat it. it hurts my heart to think about it. to think about the jealousy and embarrassment i felt for the longest time when i realized my closest friends, my ONLY friends, had friends outside of me. that no matter what, even in a group as weird as us, id be the weirdest and i wouldnt be as charming as them, i couldnt keep a conversation like them and so all i had was them

now i do have other friends, but its still.. i dont know how to talk. and i know i make posts like this every once and a while but i guess im just? im a very low maintenance friend i guess. if we're friends, i will always like you. if we dont fall out in some sort of way, i will always hold you close to my heart. even if we dont talk much, i still love you

i dont really know how to like? ENGAGE i struggle with engaging. im alone all the time so i just talk about myself and my things in my own channel, i live through my characters most of my day. i feel like i might be a bad friend? as much as i like to insist i can handle someone and i know what its like to feel rejection and shit cuz of bpd, i think im still not good. i dont know how to engage with someone, i wanna have a meaningful conversation but if its not about my stuff, im bad at responding. i care!! i swear i do, i just dont know how to make that super clear, cant ask questions cant do any of that i just try to make it clear that i want to hear more yknow? i guess im just used to talking nonstop to myself so i just figure thats how other people like to have conversations too, but i think im wrong

idk it sucks. my heart is heavy today. im gonna try and draw cuz i want to but theres just so many things. im stressed, is all

[eisheartoffantasy]

Entry #12. Mirror Mirror on the Wall...

"Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" This quote from the famous fairytale Snow White keeps popping into my head lately, though with a one-word difference.

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the loneliest of them all?

Being anything but "the fairest of them all", I'm not someone who likes to keep a mirror right next to my computer screen, so quite contrary to the title of this entry, I haven't been spending an increasing amount of time staring at my reflection.

Not in the real physical life, at the very least. On the inside I've been looking at one a lot. I've been...reflecting, I suppose.

For a brief several days, I thought I had found my way out of my depressive period, only to fall right back in. I mean, I wasn't surprised or shocked, just disappointed in myself, which is nothing new. Of course I would keep failing, wouldn't I? This was a given.

So why have I been feeling number than ever?

The voice in my head that tries to cheer me up, tries to give me a crucial amount of encouragement, has been fading away. On most days I don't even hear my own positive voice anymore, and that's worse than never hearing a positive word from others. Yes, I've always been lonely, but not quite like this. The old loneliness I experienced came from external sources. This new loneliness comes from within.

I get left behind again and again, and now, even I myself have left me behind, haven't I?

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the closest of them all?

Closest to what? I don't know, perhaps closest to giving up... Actually, no, I might already have given up. I haven't been taking care of myself, haven't made enough efforts to catch up with school, haven't tried hard enough to fix my habits, haven't gotten back in contact with people in my life — I've been doing even worse somehow, completely isolating myself from everyone, avoiding everything.

But what's going to happen when I can't run away anymore? And in addition, have I really given up if I still wonder something like this?

Maybe I haven't given up completely just yet, but at this point I'm fully relying on luck, aren't I? Ugh, it wouldn't even be so hard to put in a little more effort...and yet...

Mirror mirror on the wall, how can I escape from them all?

I want to leave. I want to go away. I want to go somewhere as far as possible. I want to be in another world. I want to leave the people I care for. I want to leave my identity behind. I want to leave this life. I want to leave. I want to leave. I want to leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave!!!!!

When you think about it, it probably doesn't make sense what I'm saying here. Ei, what do you mean exactly? You just said you're lonely, now you're saying you want to leave? Won't you just be lonelier? To that I say, no I won't; I'll be more alone, but definitely less lonely.

Did you know? The loneliness you feel from being alone is nothing compared to the loneliness you feel despite not being alone.

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the loneliest of them all?

I don't know if it's me — see, I haven't met every single one of "them" after all. There's got to be someone lonelier than me, right? Dead or alive? Are the deceased more or less lonely than the living?

Ah, so many routes for my mind to wander off to in the middle of the night. I'm so tired. I'm always tired. Can this change? All these things, external and internal alike, can I get through them?

Mirror mirror on the wall, how do I overcome them all?

The mirror in my heart doesn't answer my questions like the one in Snow White does. My mirror isn't a magical one. Because I'm lonely, aren't I? The evil queen at least had a companion, but not me.

With warmth and hopefulness,

Ei

[thearbitraries]

hello again :)

it’s been a literal year since i’ve been here last, and damn, has it been a year.

when i left off, i felt like things couldn’t get weirder for me, ‘no way they can get worse!’ i thought.

boy was i wrong lol

2018, i graduated high school with: a plan, a boy after me, friendships i thought would last a lifetime, and my relationship with my family at an all-time high

2019, i realise that my plan has a tiny flaw: i am unsure about what to do. this has never happened to me before. the plan has always been perfect; it’s always been there for me, even when things get complicated they work out. i decide to take some *productive* time off and set off for a semester abroad. i move to england for three months to study psychology. the plan? fall in love with psychology. the execution? mmmm…. let’s just say things got… complicated.

i get involved with a guy, a guy who, mind you, is significantly older than me and oh, is also in a position of power. after my stint abroad i return home with another plan: move to england permanently and execute the plan (go to uni, get a degree in psych, become a clinical psychologist… make my parents proud?) there.

2020, the year the pandemic hits <3

i go through immense pain while abroad: my relationship is (unsurprisingly) horrible, i have no friends and am the loneliest i have ever been. i am terrified of living the rest of my life this way; trapped in a horrible place with horrible people away from those i love. weirdly, the pandemic saved my life. i was forced to move back home, leaving my partner behind and the distance allowing me to see things for what they were with him: abusive. i break things off and focus on the one thing that has always been in the plan: going. to. university.

for as long as i can remember, going to university and being a student has been my #1 personality trait. i was always the “golden child”, the one who was destined for great things. i had (and still have) a fear of never living up to those expectations.

when i got my acceptance letter, i cried so much i didn’t know if i was happy, sad, relieved or exhausted. i was just excited that i was inching closer to ticking off “going to uni” from my checklist.

but having a global health crisis tends to hinder plans a bit, including making travel and in-person classes an impossibility. so i decided to defer a year so i could start my college experience with “the right foot”.

i dedicated that year to working on myself; 2020 was the year i “cleaned up my act”. therapy, diagnoses, workshops and clean eating; that was my game.

i figured out so much about myself that year that it only left me with more questions about what the heck i was doing.

figured it was normal. it was, but it made everything more complicated (for good).

2021, this meant setting off for uni.

great start! everyone’s happy lucy is finally starting her degree! yay!! i felt like my life was just starting; like everything i had worked for was starting to culminate here.

indeed, everything i had ever worked for was for that: to get to uni, to make my parents proud… to achieve a dream that wasn’t mine and satisfy a version of lucy that’s never been real.

i hate it here.

well, not really, you know. i love living abroad, on my own. i love freedom, going to the supermarket, listening to my podcast on the way back from the gym, grabbing drinks with friends and learning new things. a dream come true!!

however, i hate WHY this is. i hate doing this for the wrong reasons. i am not studying something i love, i am not looking after myself… getting up in the mornings is hard because it means i have to look at myself in the mirror and see the image of someone who is not me, looking directly into my eyes.

i am not happy here. i am not happy like this.

have i ever been happy with this?

not really… so i decide to question it. why am i here? who am i here for? what do i want?

all of these questions lead back to a single conclusion: i want to be happy, to do things for me. i want to start living for myself, to get to know who that is.

2022, i decide to drop out against all wishes from my folks. every argument i make, every sentence i say about how i am pursuing my happiness falls on deaf ears; they do not care about that, they only want to see me succeed.

for the first time in my life, i do something for myself and not for them. i go against their wishes. i drop out.

when i received my withdrawal email i didn’t cry; the most peaceful smile crept on my face so slowly i barely noticed it at first. tears welled in my eyes; i was so happy that it didn’t make sense. how could i feel so both at peace and nervous at the same time?

the answer? i am at peace with my decision. hell, i am HAPPY. i have never been able to say that with chest. “lucy, doing something SHE wants”. feels good :)

nervous….. i am nervous about my parents, about how this decision means i not only went against what they want for me, but i let my whole family down. i am not who they thought (or raised me) to be, and i am a disappointment to everyone.

a golden child… what i once was to them is now but a mere false idol resting in a box in their attic.

and… im fine with that.

it was hard, i have never been in a worse place with them than i am now. and yet, everything is great! i am in love with being happy, it is an addicting and thrilling feeling. nothing can take it away from me.

it is funny how this duality is paradoxical in theory, but applicable in my real life. the thought of being happy about a decision i am made to feel terrible about kept me from thinking about myself for 21 years. now that i have finally done it i will never go back.

my family likes to remind me that my defining trait is being kind; to them that means that i put others before myself. i do do that, to an unhealthy level i must admit. but now, now i have learned that self sacrifice is not intrinsic to kindness; you can be kind and also look out for yourself. you do need to put your oxygen mask on before you do so for others.

so i do rejoice in the fact that my decisions have brought me happiness; i am finally glad that the plan didn’t work.

sometimes you have to throw away the pen, the planner and the schedule. planning out every hour of the day does not allow for life’s creative twists and turns to happen; and it’s a shame when you realised you’ve missed out on getting to experience them.

for me, that was missing out on knowing MYSELF!

and the only plan i have is to never let that happen again.

now, i am on the path to discovering who i am, what i want and how i want to get there; no planning involved. (well, just a little. life does get complicated without timekeeping).

as only one of the millions of strangers floating around in this universe, i can only do what we all have to: have fun on the way. and i intend on enjoying every second of it :)

i’ve learned that life…. life is complicated. no amount of labels, plans… control for that matter, can prevent destiny and, well, at the end of the day everything happens for a reason. we can only accept the things that happen, learn from them and grow :)

i used to hate hearing hearing people say to “let things happen”, but, i gotta admit that it is pretty catchy.

i hope to update this soon, 2023 here i come.

and, white void, thank you for letting this post exist somewhere within you. appreciate you <3

[nevertrustablueberry]

i hate how i build people up in my mind to be something other than themselves and then see them again eventually and of course they are humanly completely and utterly themselves and not the person i convinced myself that i missed

[rpmemes-galore]

the mountain goats : transcendental youth album ... sentence starters

“I despise this town.”

“I don't have to be afraid.”

“I don’t want to be afraid.”

“Can't quite catch 'em all.”

“I'm still here, but all is lost.”

“Climb limits past the limits.”

“And stay alive. Just stay alive.”

“Learn some secrets, never tell.”

“Days like dominos, all in a line.”

“Keep one step ahead of enemies.”

“I am happy where the vermin play.”

“Everybody trying to make his mark.”

“I get pretty sentimental, now and then.”

“Stayed up late and wrecked this place.”

“Someone needs to clean up this mess.”

“Nerves strung so high, I am a mandolin.”

“You can't judge us. You're not the judge.”

“Remember soaring higher than a cloud?”

“I think I'll stay here, 'til I feel whole, again.”

“Leave a little mark on something, maybe.”

“Sad and angry, can't learn how to behave.”

“Feel so hungry, I'll probably pass out soon.”

“Use too much and make a great big mess.”

“Locked up in myself, never gonna get free.”

“My spirit sings loud and clear, even in here.”

“Feel the storm every night, hope it passes by.”

“Don't hurt anybody on your way up to the light.”

“Do every stupid thing that makes you feel alive.”

“I don't even bother trying to read them anymore.”

“I saw the light of my spirit descend the other day.”

“Probably never see her, again, in this life, I guess.”

“Do every stupid thing to try to drive the dark away.”

“And there's nobody there to catch us when we fall.”

“Stay in the game. Just try to play through the pain.”

“I hide down in my corner, because I like my corner.”

“Live like an outlaw, clutching gold coins in his claw.”

“Hard to know who might or might not be your friend.”

“This is a dream, though... It's never gonna come true.”

“Spent the wet night tracking visions through the pines.”

“I'll be reborn someday, someday, if I wait long enough.”

“But I see the light that much clearer every time I return.”

“Let people call you crazy for the choices that you make.”

“Foretell worse things than such frightful nights as these.”

“Make up magic spells; we wear them like protective shells.”

“Some things you do just to see how bad they'll make you feel.”

“And some no-one from the future remembers that you're gone.”

“Sing. Sing high while the fire climbs. Sing one for the old times.”

“Find where the heat's unbearable and stay there if you have to.”

“And you can't tell me what my spirit tells me isn't true, can you?“

“Hold my hopes underwater. Stand there and watch them drown.”

“Dream of maybe waking up someday and wanting you less than I do.”

“But I am just a broken machine, and I do things that I don't really mean.”

“Some people crash two or three times, and then learn from their mistakes.”

“Can't learn how to behave. Still won't know how in the darkness of the grave.”

“In old movies, people scream, choking on their fists when they see shadows like these.”

“Nothing in the shadows but the shadow hands, reaching out to sad, young, frightened men.”

“The loneliest people in the whole, wide world are the ones you're never going to see, again.”

“Every dream's a good dream; even awful dreams are good dreams if you're doing it right.”

“People might laugh at your tattoos. When they do, get new ones in completely garish hues.”

“It seems like everyone's cut me free and left me to the tender cares of my faceless enemy.”

“Play with matches if you think you need to play with matches. Seek out the hidden places where the fire burns hot and bright.”

[winter-soldier-vibes]

hi! request for one where reader struggles w depression a lot but hides it, tho it’s been getting worse recently and only bucky has noticed the small signs. then one night after no one seeing her the whole day or maybe something happened he went to check on her but she wasn’t in her room and he panics only to find her on the roof and just talks her down <3 all the love

Of course! I hope you're okay love❤❤❤. I saw another anon request something a lil similar in my ask box but I can't find it, maybe it got eaten, but I hope you like this!

Word count: 3,400 (ish)

Warnings: suicidal thoughts, depression, close to an attempt, Bucky talks about HYDRA, feelings of worthlessness.

A/N: This deals with very heavy subject matter, please do not read if you are in a dark place. I am here to talk if you want but I encourage you that if you feel this way in ANY way, no matter how severe, to reach out to someone. I also just wanted to say that the way someone talks someone down is never the same, some people may find a different approach more helpful or realistic. I wrote it this way because this is what I feel in my experience would have been helpful to hear. So please, if you don’t think it’s the way someone should talk someone down - please don’t come at me for it.

Overnight

People often don’t notice the small signs. The smiles that don’t reach the eyes, the dark circles from lack of sleep, the laughs that slowly become more forced. People don’t often pick up on those things right away. They happen slowly, as depression will often manifest. It’s rarely ever a flip of a switch shut down, happy one day and sad the net. Anxiety was like that, small things can trigger panic attacks. But with depression, it was this slow ache that grew in your chest, this dull cloud that made everything darker day by day.

These things rarely happen overnight.

You don’t know what caused this episode. You had struggled with depression and would go through some really low episodes before returning to baseline. It was never great, but it was...manageable. Most of the time. Some things could help you predict when you would go into another episode but you felt yourself slipping and you weren’t quite sure why.

You started withdrawing from the team. Subtly, not all at once. That would cause too much concern and the last thing you wanted was to be a burden. Especially with something like this, you didn’t even have an explanation.

It started slow, training on your own, missing team dinners, that sort of thing. If they were going out to celebrate or staying in for a movie you would slip away to your room where you didn’t have to worry about hiding it.

You didn’t want to be alone, you already felt so goddamn lonely. But somehow being lonely and surrounded by people who loved you hurt more.

The team chalked it up to you wanting to be alone, a bad day, being tired, etc. Whatever recycled excuse you gave them didn’t phase them. At least, not at first.

See, people who have experienced similar things will pick up in the small signs that others show. Someone who knows what anxiety is like will often be the first to pick up on nervous habits and tics. Often people notice when someone’s energy is coming from adrenaline and caffeine rather than sleep when they’ve done the same thing. Someone who knows what it’s like to feel hopeless and not want to reach out - they notice the small signs of withdrawing.

He noticed pretty early on the change in your demeanor. You had always been one to keep to yourself but this was different. You always seemed exhausted in a way that sleep couldn’t ever fix. Your laugh wasn’t quite the way it used to be, now forced and short, not the usual bubbly laugh it was.

Most people are able to just live and go about daily functions - eating, sleeping - it just came naturally to them. Surviving was natural to them. But it seemed like you had to put thought and effort into surviving.

Which, you were.

Slowly it became hard to motivate yourself to do the basic things to take care of yourself. You would do the bare minimum because you had to, but even that was starting to take more effort than it should. You were eating less because you just weren’t that hungry, but you still did because you knew if you didn’t you’d get sick eventually. You spent as much time in your bed as possible, but not much of it was sleeping.

Bucky picked up on these things and came up to talk to you about them, but you’d smile and shake your head.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just a little tired I guess.”

You weren’t lying, you were tired - emotionally more than physically.

Tired of more than what the day brought - tired of yourself, of your emotions. Tired of the way you felt so out of touch with yourself, out of control. Tired of how you wanted to get better but no matter what you did, it still came back. You were so tired of being exhausted all the time and there was nothing you could do about it.

You were tired of living this way.

You weren’t necessarily suicidal, it wasn’t that you didn’t want to live. You just didn’t want to live this life, not like this. You were so utterly exhausted day in and day out, every day was about getting to the end of it. Everything seemed pointless and you felt like you were watching life go by but you weren’t living it.

You were surviving. And you didn’t see much of a point to it anymore.

Your mask was cracking. And people were noticing.

Maybe it was when you were falling asleep during mission briefings, or nearly passing out in training because you had forgotten to eat. Maybe it was how no one saw you anywhere that wasn’t necessary. The team passed it off as a bad day or week, something you would get over because you were strong.

But apparently not the strong that you needed to be. You could fight off agents, assassins, you could run for miles. But you couldn’t stop your mind from telling you that life was pointless and you were a waste of space. But the team wrote it off as a bad week. But Bucky knew that this had been going on for much longer than a week.

These things rarely happen overnight.

Too many people were asking you if you were okay, and you weren’t, but you didn’t know how to say it. But you thought that if you had to choke out one more “I’m fine,” you would shatter. And you weren’t ready for everyone to see that.

You stopped coming out of your room unless it was for the bare necessities. You would come out at night for water and food, picking at it in your room so that no one would see you.

But that only made Bucky worry more.

The team, again, wrote it off as you needing some “Alone time” because maybe you just had a “bad day”. Of course they worried about you but they thought that if things were bad, or if there was something you needed help with, you would speak up. Because that’s what you did.

But Bucky was worried. He knew that when someone pushes people away, they may think being alone will help, but it only makes it worse. You may not want to talk to anyone, you may think being alone is what’s best. But it rarely is.

Being alone makes it harder to fight your demons. They can run rampant when given the chance. Being alone is the darkest and loneliest hell, and he knew that all too well.

He wasn’t going to leave you alone in that.

He came up to your room one night, wanting to check on you. He knocked on your door, being met with silence. He knocked again, calling your name, but was again met with silence. He tried the doorknob and found it unlocked, opening the door to an empty room.

Where the hell were you?

You weren’t anywhere else in the tower, so where were you?

Bucky stood there for a moment, confused before he remembered the AI system. “F.R.I.D.A.Y.Where's y/n?”

“I believe that they were heading up to the rooftop about a half-hour ago.”

Bucky’s eyes widened as he sprinted out the hallway and towards the stairs.

---

You looked out over the street, arms crossed over your shivering body. For now, you just looked down at the city below. You chuckled bitterly to yourself. There must have been thousands of people down there, thousands of lives, and you wondered how many people felt the way you did right now. So much hustle and bustle, things to do and places to be. You didn’t know a single person down there, it was just a blur of movement. Yet they all had their own personal stories and hells and blessings and shit that made them who they were.

You wondered how many of them pretended like they were fine.

You were standing closer to the edge than you should’ve been. You weren’t doing yourself any favors. You really shouldn’t be up here, but you didn’t know what else to do. Everything hurt all the time and it was just getting worse. You didn’t know whether or not you were gonna jump but here you were, teetering on the edge. Because no matter how much this hurt you still couldn’t bring yourself to fall forward.

You were scared.

You felt tears sting your eyes, angry, exhausted, everything - you couldn’t do anything right anymore, you felt no purpose, you were tired and scared all of the time. You felt so utterly done with everything, yet here you were with a way out and you were too scared of that too.

You were trapped in your body, trapped in your life, and while you didn’t want to die, you didn’t want it to hurt anymore. It wasn’t that you had nothing to live for. It wasn’t that you had nothing left. You knew you did, you knew the team was there for you. You had more support than you could ever need. But you didn’t know how to use them.

You didn’t even know how this happened. How did things get this bad? You remembered when you were happy, the person you used to be. The person everyone still seemed to think you were. Where did they go? What happened to them? And would you ever be able to be that person again?

Did it even matter? Would anyone even care or notice? They did a great job at ignoring what had been happening. Not that you wanted them to find out in the first place. It was so confusing, you wanted to scream for help, you wanted someone to just fucking notice or something. But didn’t you also answer every single “Are you okay?” with "Oh yeah I’m fine, just a little tired.”

So did you truly want them to know? Did you actually want them to notice or help?

You closed your eyes tightly, shaking your head a little to yourself. It was all so confusing, so frustrating. You didn’t know what to do. You felt completely trapped within yourself.

These things rarely happen overnight. And they never get better overnight either.

You took a breath as you looked down, toes slightly off of the ledge. One step or losing your balance would be all it would take. And then it would be over. Forever. It wouldn’t hurt anymore.

“Y/n?” you heard a calm, albeit nervous voice speak from behind you.

You felt your breath catch in your throat. As you squeezed your eyes shut. “No,” you whispered to yourself.

“Y/n, can you come down from there?”

“Why are you here?” you asked, voice strained with pain.

“Because I’m worried about you,” he said, voice sounding closer.

“I don’t want you to be worried about me! I never wanted anyone to worry about me!” you exclaimed.

“And where did not talking about what was bothering you get you?”

“No one would ever have to worry about me again. Not anymore.”

“No one on the team would ever be able to stop thinking about you,” Bucky started, walking closer to you. He spoke gently, worried he would scare you or you would suddenly jump off. “About how we should’ve worried about you. Everyone would blame themselves and ask themselves if they could’ve helped you if they had seen you were hurting.”

You heard his footsteps stop.

“This isn’t going to solve anything.”

You took a shaky breath. “What else am I supposed to do, huh?” you turned around, back facing the streets below as Bucky stood a few feet in front of you. “Pretend like this is gonna get better? Because it isn’t. I’m so sick and tired of pretending like one day everything’s gonna be okay again. It never stops hurting, it never turns off, and I can’t do it anymore!” you yelled, tears streaming down your face. You shook your head. “I know this won’t solve jack shit and it probably makes me weak, but I’m okay with that. Because I’m past the point of wanting to solve anything. I just want it to stop! Is that too much to ask?!”

“It is if your life is the price!” Bucky exclaimed. “We can’t lose you. You’re a part of this team - this family,” he said a little more calmly, trying to keep his own tears at bay. No one should go through feeling so hopeless, and you were one of the kindest people he knew.

But some of the most kind-hearted people are the meanest people to themselves.

“I’m not here to judge you or try to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. I’m not gonna tell you life is all beauty and grace because it isn’t. It’s okay to be in pain but this is not the way to fix it. I just wanna help you.”

You shook your head. “No one can help me.”

“At least let me try,” he said gently.

“You don’t understand okay? It never stops hurting,” you said, voice cracking slightly. “It always hurts and it's this ache in my chest and I feel like I’m suffocating. No one told me that life was going to hurt, no one fucking told me! They say life isn’t fair, or that life may sometimes bring you down, but they never said that existing would be torture. And I don’t want to keep living if it’s going to hurt this much.”

You saw Bucky’s face fall and you shook your head. “Please just go - You weren’t supposed to see this.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’d rather see you at your worst than not see you at all,” he said. “You don’t have to do this yourself. I know it may seem like you do but you don’t. You never had to, and you never will have to. You have me, us, the team - we’re all here for you but we can’t if you don’t let us. But I’m not leaving you. You’ve been alone for too long already.”

You felt a new lump in your throat, feeling overwhelmed. Trapped between death and your worst nightmare. You never wanted to be vulnerable, you never wanted to hurt anyone with your own pain. But hearing Bucky’s words, seeing the panic in his eyes -

You had already hurt him. And he was right - killing yourself was only going to hurt the team more.

But it just hurt so much.

You had heard it so many times - “think about the impact you’ll have on those you love”, or how “suicide is selfish” and shit - made you feel like a horrible person. Because you did care about everyone, you cared too much. And it wasn’t that you didn’t care about hurting them with your decision - it was just that the pain of staying alive began outweighing the fear of hurting those you loved.

And it was torture.

You wanted to say everything that was on your mind - scream and cry and curse the universe, you wanted to break something, you wanted to be hugged, held, and told it would be okay - you wanted to get everything out.

You didn’t want to be alone anymore.

You’ve been alone for too long already.

You let out a broken sob, knees going weak as Bucky caught you and pulled you into his chest, away from the edge.

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” you said between sobs.

“I know you don’t, I know,” Bucky said, holding you tightly as if he feared you would disappear if he let you go.

Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt me was utter bullshit. Because the next words that came out of your mouth hurt Bucky more than anything HYDRA had done to him.

“Please just let me die. Why won’t you let me die? I just wanna die, please just let this be over.”

People didn’t realize what depression could do to a person. Someone who was full of life could end up like this. You don’t know what went wrong or when it happened, but you just felt absolutely broken inside. The kind of broken that can’t be fixed.

Bucky felt his heart shatter, tears falling down his own cheeks at how hopeless you had sounded. He had never been overly close with you, but you were always kind to everyone on the team. And the team had failed you by not noticing sooner.

“I’m gonna bring you inside okay?” Bucky said. You didn’t hear him, crying so hard that you couldn’t focus on anything else. He picked you up, carrying you back into the tower. Bucky brought you back to your room, sitting down on your bed with you. He rubbed a hand up and down your back, holding you tightly as he tried to help you calm down.

Exhaustion overtook you, your body becoming worn out from all of the crying and emotions. You never let your guard down like that in front of anyone, and shame began to overtake you.

“I - I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have seen that I’m so so sorry -”

“Don’t,” he started. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“No one was supposed to know,” you whispered.

“Why not? What’s so bad about asking for help?”

You paused for a moment, unsure exactly why. “I don’t know - I just feel really weak sometimes?” you said, more of a question to yourself. “Like I know everyone needs help and shit but I didn’t have a reason to need it. It hurts but I don’t know why, I cry when I’m not sad, I just - I’m not in control of myself and I don’t know why and if I can’t explain it to myself then how am I supposed to talk to anyone about it?”

“That makes more sense than you think. All of us on the team, we all go through shit. We see so many horrible things, we’ve been through so many things. We all have something. You have this. It’s okay if you don’t know why you feel the way you do but hurting yourself isn’t going to help anything.”

“I know what it’s like, wanting a way out,” Bucky said and you immediately knew what he was talking about. “Days that I wished Pierce or Rumlolw or whoever would just finish me rather than punish me over and over. It wasn’t that I wanted to die, I just wanted it to stop.”

You looked at him. “I know. But what I didn’t know then was that it would end. I never thought it could ever end or that it would ever end, but it did. And if I had died back then I would’ve died only knowing that pain. I wouldn’t have known that it could get better or that it would. And I’m not saying everything is perfect now because it’s not. But it’s better than it was. Okay?”

You nodded, fresh tears spilling out of your eyes. You knew the torture that Bucky went through, everyone on the team did. It had taken him a long time to speak about it on his own and move through it. But he did.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” you said.

“Talking about it, getting it out is a great start. Talking about it never hurt anyone.” When you seemed a little apprehensive, Bucky added, “I felt alone for so long. Battling these thoughts and memories in my head. They never stopped. But when I started talking about it with someone, and they helped me work through it - I don’t know. It helped me a lot. It wasn’t just me and my thoughts anymore. I wasn’t alone.”

I wasn’t alone

“You don’t have to be alone anymore. I’m not going anywhere. Whether you like it or not I’m gonna be right here with you

These things rarely get better overnight. But maybe with someone else, they could get better a little bit quicker.

You gave a small nod. “Okay.”

---

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[athanasius-symposium-of-writings]

Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God)

Chapter Five

Warnings: none

Chapter Four | Chapter Six

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do

They decided for a while not to be romantically involved with anyone after Layla. Too much went wrong, too much guilt, and loneliness started to feel comfortable.

Two can be as bad as one

It's the loneliest number since the number one

They have each other's back like brothers. The third one is the most lethal of them. They all had each other and they were content with it, they had to be. The world out there wouldn't be accepting of them as they are to each other.

No is the saddest experience you'll ever know

Yes, it's the saddest experience you'll ever know

'Cause one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do

One is the loneliest number, whoa-oh, worse than two

A lot of rejections and no replies to Steven's job applications. Jake's night job barely pays the bills. Marc uses the pounds he takes from criminals during his patrols as Moon Knight covers rent and food, but can't rely on it (no matter what Jake believes).

Then Steven's application for working as a librarian was accepted. He submitted it without thinking and the pay looked about the same as his old job, though he figured it wouldn't work because of Donna being Donna. Bad mouth him and all the places he applied for. 

Paid off the repairs and she still is a mythic bitch, as you call her.

It's just no good anymore since you went away

Now I spend my time just making rhymes of yesterday

They miss Layla, Steven especially given she seemed so amazing. She is amazing! But it is best they parted ways on the good terms they were able to have. Last Marc heard she was engaged to an archeologist professor, she wanted a normal life… She deserved that.

One is the loneliest number

One is the loneliest number

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do

Steven didn't sleep well no matter how much Marc tried calming him down. The anxiety of being an adult with a mental illnesses and Khonshu, budgeting bills, and everything started rushing through his thoughts.

One is the loneliest

One is the loneliest

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do

He really hated waking up to this song! What a way to wake up from barely two hours of sleep.

It's just no good anymore since you went away (number)

One is the loneliest (number)

One is the loneliest (number)

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do (number)

The bus ran late that morning, he could only pray it would make it on time. Exhaustion started kicking in as he luckily got a seat that morning, even with the coffee drank it did nothing to stop his eyes from slowly closing. His head lulls to the side. A warmth on cheek completely submerged him into slumber.

One (one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do, number)

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do (number)

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do

He woke up next to someone unusually happy to be here on this crowded bus.