#like theyre expecting me to say 'oh youre not fat look at me im fat'

[feralthembo]

idk i just. dont have the emotional capacity to handle skinny people who go on a world shattering spiral at the mere thought of being percieved as fat. some of us cant rely on the comfort of "oh its ok youre not fat thats just the dysmorphia". some of us ARE fat and have to do the work you wont or end up another suicide statistic. i am fat, and that means im stronger than you. git gud.

[nevarroes]

i refuse to send these thoughts separately:

who would cas main in league, he wouldnt play isnt an answer the mans gender is at least 25% calling people slurs on mic

okay but what if what if um 🥺👉👈 someone wanted to write a thing but they were super anxious about getting cas’s voice right in part because by the nature of how you share your creative concepts the only solid vibe they get is Doesnt Talk A Lot, When He Does Its 90% Weird Rude Mean Shit, hence the cesare big top burger comparison

and fuckin um i forget if ive ever asked, i mostly process cas’s fuckedupedness through a lens of npd, but am more familar with bpd because my own brain garbage is a bit of both and having had many loved ones with bpd, does cas ever fully freak the fuck out in an insecure attachment way trying to make gortash Go Away or trying to leave himself(but coming back generally), might characterize that Oh No Hes Going To Die leaves forever cant handle loss unless he “choses” it meltdown in a similar menthol eelnessTM vein

i especially love thinking about cas being extremely insecure because reality will never live up to his delusions of self importance perfection and grandeur because fun fact :^) a side affect of those thought patterns is constant disappointment in a reality of self that can never meet those expectations :^^^)

casim “i AM perfect or ill DIE” carnavorn

honestly "Doesnt Talk A Lot, When He Does Its 90% Weird Rude Mean Shit" is pretty on point here😭😭 I used to say like everyone desires him and then he opens his mouth and theyre like "hmmm yeah idk if this one's worth it chief". Like he has no filter at all but it isn't like he doesn't do it on purpose it's more like he goes out of his way to make sure everyone leaves in a worse mood than before, if that makes sense? Gortash would join in though honestly.... type of situation where Gortash tries to introduce them to some noble family on a party and Cas just drops that some poor girl looks like a fat cow (see this is funnier considering that he stands next to Gortash but ain't nobody gonna say that back) 🙏

aside from that though like.... in private? I suppose this may be more of a tone thing and I'm a VERY mid writer so I couldn't even tell you how I'd show this of the top of my head but I suppose he's more... clearly affectionately teasing? because yeah he obviously stays teasing and calls him a fat bastard in private still and such but it's very obvious if you look at them for a second that it's like a far cry from how he treats everyone else (smth smth his gaze very clearly softens and he allows himself to giggle and you can tell that they have been knowing each other for a long time)

okay sorry im YAPPING but ! ....If you want to write something I'd be over the fucking moon either way honestly like??😭 tbh I think you sound like you get him a lot already but also let me just say additionally... I see Cas as a character that's pretty flexible anyways because he erm... he has mood swings but also doesn't really have smth I'd consider a set speech pattern or something that he needs to sound in character?

anyways concerning the npd/bpd thing I never quite drew a line for him or anything to put him more into one camp but. I mean yeah based on the dying of old age scenario... LMFAOO but also yeah he does. Cas is the type of person that will literally leave the city for months or lock himself in and try to "become a new person" (he literally has moment where he's like "maybe I should just become who Bhaal wants me to be. maybe it would be easier") if there's some dispute with Gortash. It usually ends with Gortash forcing him to meet him again and Cas being something along the lines of "oh my fucking god can I just stop loving you already" but yeagh u know the fact that Gortash is kinda the only person he ever liked or even saw as a friend just makes it worse tbh

and the insecurities/delusions thing? yeah exactly what you said. a lot of his insecurities are insane too tbh like "I can never be what everyone desires" but then he loses it if he's NOT what someone desires, Gortash saying smth along the lines of "I like women too" would be enough to make him walk off a ledge because he can't be that part (smth smth I can be most perfect man on the planes but I'll never be a woman. funnier when u know he could use incubus illusion magic but he refused to his whole life). But anyways yeah as I said once Cas is like... a DEEPLY insecure person at his core even if he'd never admit or think that it shows

anyways after this analysis... Cas plays adc and shits on every support he plays with💯 He mains aphelios because he wants to look at a man but also because he thinks he's better than anyone else for playing a complex champ... hope u see my vison

[theefaggotamerica]

expletive-filled rant incoming. terfs if you even look at this post i will skin you alive

all of this is copypasted from discord but i think i should say it here too:

the makeup industry is so horrifyingly fucked up and i am so so unironically grateful that my mom never taught me how to do makeup past like. a little bit of mascara for fun. women in general should not be expected to put on a full face of makeup every day but ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN THEY ARE LITERAL TEENAGERS. i am not joking in the slightest when i say that seeing a middle-early high school aged girl with a full face of makeup on makes me incredibly uncomfortable and upset like you are a CHILD you should not be exposed to society's pressure to look "pretty" you should be allowed to still look like a kid because you ARE. the whole goddamn concept of "natural" makeup is so fucked up and all the ads for it are like "wow putting on makeup is such a #girlboss move!! especially when you look so ugly and disgusting without it!! you are so empowered by needing to take an hour to put this on every fucking day lest you be seen as the revolting creature (normal human) you are without it!!" and this is literally just from my observation of my peers. i've done very little research about this online so im not qualified to talk about it scientifically and im not going to pretend like i am, but being around middle-high schoolers who are mostly girls for 5 days a week for the past 4 years has shown me a lot about how this shit works. and i know im really fucking lucky cause my face and hair and stuff are pretty conventionally "attractive". i didnt grow up hearing shit like "oh haver you ever thought about straightening your hair?" "oh have you tried this acne remover?" "just my personal opinion but i think you would look better with lighter hair" WHICH IS ALL SHIT THAT I HAVE HEARD PEOPLE, MOSTLY ADULTS, SAY WORD FOR FUCKING WORD, TO LITERAL MIDDLE SCHOOLERS. a fucking THIRTEEN YEAR OLD SHOULD NEVER BE TOLD THAT THEIR NATURAL APPEARANCE IS ANYTHING LESS THAN GOOD. I DONT GIVE A FLYING FUCK IF THEYRE FAT OR HAVE FRIZZY HAIR OR ACNE OR "WEIRD" BIRTHMARKS OR NO EYEBROWS OR SHORT EYELASHES OR A BIG NOSE. AND YOU WILL NOTICE THAT A LOT OF THESE ARE, SURPRISE SURPRISE, FUCKING RACIST. I DO NOT FUCKING CARE IF A KID IS NOT CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL "CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE" IS A FUCKED UP CONCEPT IN AND OF ITSELF AND SECOND OF ALL KIDS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK ATTRACTIVE. I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD NEXT TIME I SEE SOME FUCKING IDIOT COMMENT "but some women wear makeup to empower themselves!!1" ON A POST ABOUT HOW THE MAKEUP AND BEAUTY INDUSTRY IS INHERENTLY EVIL I WILL PUT MY FIST THROUGH MY COMPUTER SCREEN. AND I KNOW ITS DIFFERENT WITH BRIGHT/NEON VS "NATURAL" MAKEUP AND THE "NATURAL" STUFF IS 500% MORE FUCKIGN EVIL. THE ONLY REASON I HAVENT DONE MULTIPLE ALL-CAPS RANTS ABOUT THIS HERE IS BC MY BRAIN UP UNTIL NOW COULDNT FIND THE WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW FUCKING EVIL IT ALL IS

[tigerdrop]

okay kind of obsessed with the body swap art tho. idk why i just like benrey getting to bully gordon with his own body, his own voice, and i like gordon trying to navigate whatever weird shit benrey’s got going on. gordon not being able to figure out or control whatever organs in benrey’s throat produce sweet voice so it’s just spewing whatever emotions he’s feeling at random (including Horny? uh oh. can’t hide that as easily as a surprise boner can you gordon?)

this ask kicked me into actually thinking about it and your brain is so huge. massive. i lost control

last night i was struggling to articulate thoughts for the body swap thing but this is kickstarting me. i. really love bodyswap stuff........(sighing) i am yet again having to confront the fact that i latched onto an embarrassing number of Things after having first read about them in [REDACTED]. truly hate being alive

so like......potions. you can get into a whole lot of weird stuff with potions. truly loving that darnolds 5-minute existence gives me an excuse to think of the stupidest horny potions scenarios

and why in the fuck wouldnt he have a bodyswap potion just chillin in his lab. why wouldnt benrey crack that bad boy open and take a sip while darnolds bitching at him "dont you touch any of those goddamn potions. im not gonna tell you which ones which so if you die, you die"

gordon claps benrey on the back afterwards like "well, thats a risk im perfectly happy for him to take" but uh oh you fucking buffoon. the touch is what activates it. and shit just starts spinning and schlorping in his mind and he nearly falls over clutching the lab bench next to him and when he cracks his eyes back open, hes........shorter. and everybodys asking if somebodys okay but that somebody isnt him and hes kind of miffed about that

and then gordons head turns and he sees Himself being steadied on his feet by tommy and darnold and hes like.......guys? guys. hello! and the sound of benreys voice coming out of him with that irritated and loud timbre makes everybody turn to face him........b/c that is so insanely weird coming from him

im like way into the idea of benreys, like, Eye Darkness Thing transferring to gordons face when their bodies are swapped, too. its just his malevolent energies manifesting physically no matter what body hes in

Wait god wait. Like. Benrey in Gordon's body and he gets horny for some reason and has to live Gordon's fucking pained life of the suit edging the hell outta him- Bc now Gordon can actually fucking jerk off for the the first time in days. No edging bullshit from the hev suit

benreys newfound appreciation for why gordons such a bitch all the time

RRRRRRRRRRR gordon able to go wild beating his meat that night finally but right before he does he stops because hes looking down at. 8)!

YES EXACTLY....... gordon freeman humbled by the sight of benreys huge meat. except its his meat now 

at first he only feels mildly weird about jacking it when hes not even in his own body right now but hes been edged for days now and hes just thinking "if i can just get this out of the way now, ill be clear-headed for however fucking long im stuck in black mesa. maybe this is why ive been so goddamn stupid lately. yeah"

but then he gets some time and space to himself at long last and unzips and the shock of seeing benreys huge uncut dick instead of his own brings him back to reality like "?oh my god what the fuck am i doing"

embarrassment! guilt! but also hes still fuckin horny and eventually curiosity wins out. whats the harm, right. its not like he has to say anything about it. and gordon freeman is (mostly) heterosexual and hes never been this up close and personal with a foreskin before and hes just......curious. scientifically

maybe hes even.......locked himself inside one of the company restrooms while hes at it. just to make sure hes got privacy. and there is a mirror right there........  he was gonna just bust one out and leave as fast as he can but now hes curious

starts. thumbing the hem of his shirt under benreys vest. starts lifting it up experimentally just to see where all that hair leads. out of curiosity. and seeing the curve of benreys stomach peek out in the mirror makes him hiccup on sweet voice inadvertently 

weirdly enough theres a part of him thats both relieved and disappointed that hes never seen that color before

he never envisioned that seeing benrey like this would be a turn-on but like......with that vest and that helmet on he just looks like some kind of fuckin roundish rectangle shape. but now gordons intimately familiar with how his body feels to move around in......what hes gotta look like underneath all that armor and ill-fitting work clothes......and the hornier he gets the stupider he gets

takes off the helmet.......just to test the waters. if somebody manages to bust in, thats not so weird to explain. and hes surprised by the shock of black hair he finds under there. he doesnt know what he was expecting....but honestly, benrey looks, like, kind of nice like that. more like a person

im slightly obsessed with the idea of benrey just not even registering as a Real Guy, physically, to gordon, one that he could possibly be attracted to, until hes out of his work uniform.......like hes more of an icon of a person than anything up until that point. pure signifier. no substance

like......you know......the equivalent of how benreys HL model registers to 99% of people watching the series. sure, thats not necessarily anything youd register as "hot", most likely, but then u peel that away and its like........Oh

the model is the icon and the representation of the icon is the real

and gordon runs a hand thru benreys hair and tries out one of those shitty little smirks benrey likes to use on him and the effect is.......dizzying. is that him? is that what benrey really looks like to him?? he feels fuckin salacious doing this

he can even.........get his face up close to the mirror and really look at those teeth

run his tongue over them experimentally.......feel their sharp edges.......and, no, theyre not sharp like a knife, but they are definitely pointy. and surprisingly well-kept......hes never seen benrey brush his teeth before but clearly he must. theyre so smooth and slick under his fingertips

and then he flushes and drops his hand b/c hes getting some weird fucking thoughts right now........but looking back up at himself in the mirror and seeing benreys face all wide-eyed and red makes the issue worse

oh, you really like seeing him look like that, dont you. and gordons pissed b/c this isnt even his fucking brain but its still whispering the exact same neurotic, self-defeating shit at him that hes trying very hard to tamp down

and then he starts getting a little crazier. taking off the vest. he can explain that, no problem. its just kind of hot. heavy. he needed a breather! its normal. just in here to splash some water on his face and cool down, nothing wrong with that. but that just makes benreys shirt all the easier to access.......and he tugs the hem of it just a little higher and looks at himself in the mirror and runs a thumb over the curve of his stomach, where the hair is thickest, and he shivers

gordon freeman is deeply normal and would never get off to the sight of a guy with arms the size of his head tentatively dragging the hem of his shirt up, just for gordon to look at him closer

hands shaking from nerves as he decides to loosen his tie and start unbuttoning and he sees more and more hair-dusted skin and muscle and fat and a thin sheen of sweat reveal itself

> i could see gordon trying to tense and flex the muscles a bit just because hes normal

HE IS, AND HE WOULD

he doesnt know when "being horny b/c hes been pent up and edged for days and he just needs to get his rocks off real quick so he can be normal again" turned into "being horny b/c the way benrey looks under his uniform is scary good to him" but if he thinks about that too hard hes gonna have a panic attack

tells himself that its all just because he hasnt been able to get off. thats why hes thinking this shit. hell stop thinking it once he nuts

> hey this is a quick aside but yknwo how he talks to himself in third person sometimes? what if he does and then kinda does a mental double take at how his name sounds coming out of benreys mouth, with his voice. ok thats it goodbye

oh ym god thats making me go insane. doing it by accident and then.........saying it again. on purpose. just to hear benreys voice doing it

getting one knee hitched up onto the sink and leaning forward with his arm braced against the mirror and his forehead leaning on his arm and tugging benreys dick (no, idiot, thats your dick right now, stop thinking about it) and tentatively groaning out his own name and it comes out so hoarse and desperate that it punches him straight in the gut (too bad, hes thinking about it, he cant not think about it, not with the way he looks and sounds right now)

> remember in the series when benrey called him gordon one (1) time and he noticed immediately and was like..i think thats the first time youve called me by my name.

he looks so fucked out and slutty in that mirror that it almost makes him pass out

eyes darting like hes trying to commit every single detail of how he looks right now to memory (b/c he is. he fucking is. he wants to make benrey look like this so fucking bad. just for him. wreck him and get him flushed and sweaty and panting and moaning gordons name and jesus christ, okay, thats where his brains taking him. okay. cool)

hes dizzying himself thinking about it. he knows benreys hot for him by this point, theoretically. assuming his weird come-ons werent just jokes. benrey would probably let him do this to him. benrey would probably want him to touch his dick. gordon thinks about how good it might feel for his own hand to be on benreys dick and he cant get himself solidly into one headspace or another - hes gordon, hes benrey, he wants to touch, he wants to be touched, he wants to feel his own hand on this dick (and god, maybe he could. maybe he could ask. wouldnt that be crazy.)

benrey in gordons suit and gordons body and gordons face leaning over him, b/c fuck, he really is tall compared to benrey, hes figured that one out awful quick. and gordons (his) hand on his (benreys) dick and stroking him and leering down at him with those dark, dark eyes that dont even really look like his eyes, anymore, not with the way theyre shaded over, and hearing his (benreys) (his) voice moaning out his (gordons) (definitely gordons) name and all the little "pleases" and "thank yous" that he cant stop letting out b/c benreys voice was made for it, made to beg and whine and ask so nicely, and his heads spinning as he comes all over the fucking mirror and sink

> i wonder if this could be combine with the ideas that parts of the self or like mind is still a bit left behind if that makes sense, like with benrey also wanting this that part of the reason gordon wants to say those things

"do you want to fuck him or do you want to be him?" well my good bitch, perhaps you can have a little of both. welcome to my personal hell

hes never come so hard in his fucking life and the noise that rips out of him when he does, finally, after days of being jerked around (ha ha) makes his ears burn with shame

now if you really wanna go crazy. imagine that benreys up and walking around this whole time b/c being edged by his stupid broken suit is making it impossible for him to sleep, and he hears........all of this. stops and presses himself flat agains tthe wall to listen

he cant actually get into the bathroom to scare the shit out of gordon/offer to join in/etc, b/c this stupid flesh body of gordons cant even noclip, but he can press his ear to the door and. listen. and he can flush all the way down to his chest when he hears gordon in there, moaning out his own name with benreys voice

so thats what gordon wants him to do, huh. thats what hes thinking about.

poor benrey, tho. he gets to experience just a lick of the endless fucking suffering that gordon goes thru every single day just by being alive, and "the HEV suit trying and failing to suck him off to completion while his dick twitches against the hard metal of the interior every time gordon groans in there" is just one small part of it

anyway . see ya. my final message

[dumbdancemomssideblog]

S1E1: The Competition Begins

okie dokie first ever episode of dance moms rewatch starts now :0 i actually remember watching this the very first time it aired on lifetime because i was channel surfing and saw a commercial for it earlier that day. that was the summer between 8th and 9th grade. ah memories... i didnt know what to expect because i did dance when i was a kid but not on a competition team and it was mostly ballet so i was pretty unfamiliar with this whole world. 

anyway lets begin. this is probably gonna be a longer post than what i’ll end up writing for the other episodes in season 1 bc the first episode introduces so much info, just a heads up

Act 1: (aside: yes its insufferable to divide this into “acts” when its really just like “segments separated by commercial breaks” but thats how they’re called in actual tv scripts so im just going with that cuz i cant think of a better/easier way uwu)

god this is so fucking early 2010s lmao

i miss these days where they were just talented nobodies from pittsburgh on a low budget reality tv show that nobody even knew would be successful. and the bad hair and makeup but idk if that was also just a 2011 thing lol

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES GREEN SCREEN INTROS IM DYING

the chalkboard !!!! they werent doing the pyramid on the mirror yet 

(apparently abby never did anything similar to the pyramid thing but the producers made her and it became a whole Thing on the show and thats why the moms were like wtf is this bullshit the first week)

mackenzie looks like a toddler. chloe is so tiny. theyre the 2 who changed the most physically over the course of the show

i remember watching this for the first time being used to ballet lyrical and jazz but never having done or really seen acro/gymnastics in dance choreo and being SO flabbergasted. i was thinking “a chin stand is not dancing what the actual hell” and yknow what? i was right

melissa: “my boyfriend knows how much i spend on dance because he signs the checks...............hermehhemrherrmehermh” (the most awkward laugh omg)

maddie is wearing a fucking bumpit in her hair i cannot

melissa deadass just said out loud “im here for my daughter im not here to make friends” ok everybody mark that one off on your catty women’s reality tv show bingo card!

camera man accidentally getting in the shot filming right in front of the huge wall-mirror.... what is this, amateur hour? i’ll let it slide since its the first day of filming rehearsal but step it up, boys

aw i forgot about maddie getting sick and crying :/ poor kid

melissa saying “i cant stand a chid that’s sick” sounds so edited like the intonation made it seem to me like they just cut her off mid-sentence i love lifetime

oh this was still when they were wearing normal stuff to class/rehearsal like black leotards bc they werent getting sent a trillion crazy 2-piece dancewear outfits for free yet bc they werent famous, man those were the days

Act 2:

[obligatory b-roll footage of downtown pittsburgh] 

the maddie chloe paige trio !!!! this is making me feel so nostalgic

“knees together, paige. you’re bow-legged, you need to fix that”

“you’re tall, you’re skinny, you’re a beautiful girl, you can do better than this. FOCUS” shes like 10 abby what the hell

“people think im tough and i guess i am but i would rather be the one to make your kid cry in the privacy of my studio than at an open-call audition in front of hundreds of people”

okay unpopular opinion alert: i agree with a lot of what abby says about stuff like this but her delivery is flawed, to but it euphemistically, that being said i think the production team of the show and the fame inflating her ego changed all of this somewhere over the course of the second season and its really sad to see :/ i can expand on that thought later tho

aw paige crying bc abby correcting her (but not saying anything personal or out of line, just technique corrections (at based on what we were shown, we dont know everything she said oop)) shes a sensitive kid she never should have been put on this show :( 

paige looks exactly like her mom i didnt realize that before

nia and holly were done so dirty throughout the whole series in terms of the narrative the producers set up about nia being the weakest link :/ 

Act 3:

cathy’s entire involvement in the show from the very beginning was so painfully obviously scripted (or at least heavily staged) 

vivi was also done dirty by the show’s narrative and she was only 6 and they presented her as like the butt of the joke bc her mom’s “character” was crazy and also she wasnt good at dance. i wonder how she feels about the show now that shes a teenager hmm. she really seemed not to give a fuck about dance for better or for worse when she was a kid tho so maybe she doesnt care ?

in what universe would an owner of another competitive dance studio bring her own kid to another studio more than an hour’s drive away, AND be under the impression that she could compete with them in a week, especially when they showed the kids’ and moms’ shocked reaction at the start of the episode to having to learn a dance in a week and compete it? like really what is the point of cathy and vivi being a part of this show im so ????

Act 4: 

THE MINISTER DAWN OUTBURST HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT THIS

this fight is about 50% of what got them a full season 1 and then things took off from there tbh. the other 50% was the electricity dance but thats a point for next episode..... :)

“you’re a minister act like one” “YOU’RE RIGHT I AM A MINISTER! LET’S PLAY THE BIBLE GAME ABBY, WHEN JESUS SAW THINGS THAT WERE WRONG HE WENT AFTER THEM, AND YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DO THIS TO MY KID” ma’am i think the wrongs jesus addressed were of slightly more importance than a preteen being told she cant take a dance class if shes violating the studio’s dress code

this is so good bc it wasnt staged afaik and there are regular students all throughout the building just STARING at them like lmao what even is going on, so im pretty sure this is real???

regardless, yeah dont wear socks and a tshirt to an acrobatics class, thats common fucking sense

another cameraman-in-mirror sighting, but its hard to think about angles when filming spontaneous drama like this, so i wont count it against them

“you called me fat” (i remember that being in the episode but thats not on the episode available through lifetime on demand that im watching from my moms tv hmmmmmm) “i told you to close and tuck in your two-piece costume, theres a big difference. HOW CAN YOU REMEMBER THAT BUT YOU CAN’T REMEMBER TO TURN YOUR FEET OUT” uh scream

she really called the police on this woman i cannot handle this. can you imagine being a police officer responding to this call? 

“we have a parent thats out of control. pardon? no shes doesnt have weapons, just her mouth” iconic

im sorry im still not over the hair and makeup. the flat hair with the side bangs. the black pencil eyeliner applied all the way around the eye. why did any of us think this was a look :( why did we do this :(

Act 5:

they went all the way to phoenix to compete 3 numbers, only 2 of which are shown in the episode.

i think this is the only time they ever went to west coast dance explosion because its an actual competition and they wouldnt allow filming after this lol i think they did go to wcde one weekend in addition to a competition where they were filming but it wasnt shown or mentioned at all

abby not wanting brooke and paige to have a french manicure on stage if theyre the only ones in the group with the french tips is perfectly valid idk why it was framed as some crazy micromanaging shit

i also am really not a fan of the whole “high functioning alcoholic wine mom/crazy stage mom” schtick they were pushing for the first few episodes of this show

in retrospect i feel like so many of the quips in this episode were intentionally fucking crazy just to get the audience engaged enough to want to watch more episodes...

“see those girls down there, those girls with the legs? thats who you’re up against, so step it up”

abby warning them that its dangerous for their little party hats to slip when they’re doing aerials and pirouettes and stuff: “what if you were at radio city music hall and they had the ice rink out and you were doing a side aerial and fell 13 stories down and died, huh?” fantastic point abby thank you for saying that to 5 girls ages 8-12 less than 5 minutes before they went on stage. perfect time for a teaching moment like that :)

i forgot how bad the camera work was in the first few episodes for footage of their performances. like they really didnt think the show’s audience would actually want to watch the kids dance, the producers and editors thought we just wanted to see stage mothers yelling at each other lol

also the mic feed over the music of abby talking to herself giving them corrections while watching them dance on stage.... im so glad they quit doing that. i dont remember them doing it like that for any other episode, i hope im right

this choreo is very basic and its a cute dance i guess but its very cringe in some places and for the first episode this is such a forgettable group routine

their scandalized reaction to placing third and the sad piano music is so funny honestly

and maddies reaction in the interview which was almost definitely fed to her by the producers where shes like “i win all the time i dont really know what its like to LOSE i always win or get runner up” so many of maddies lines from season 1 interviews sound so fake and she was probably too naive to know they were getting her to say that stuff so they could paint her as a conceited brat (she was EIGHT)

the trio costume was so ugly im sorry (is it supposed to be like a 50s pinup bathing suit?) (and the headband thing looks so bad) and also the music is bad but they had no real authority over that bc of copyright stuff

chloe’s headpiece coming forward and the ensuing drama was another moment in the episode that really solidified public interest in the show imho.... 

“YOU’RE IN THE BAR HAVING A DRINK AND YOUR KID’S HEADPIECE IS FALLING OFF” “it did not FALL OFF it CAME FORWARD it was FINE!!!”

“mistakes happen, we’re human.” “YOU are. mistakes like that dont happen to me”

and then the “next time on dance moms” with the WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE electricity dance, of course. genuinely that was really smart of the producers in terms of structuring things to generate intrigue lol. and obviously it ended up working....

[swatato]

fat. FAT. P H A T RANT INCOMING FOR ANYONE WHO CARES TO READ THIS NONSENSE CUZ @haldidoodh ASKED

That episode literally blasted the last of my serotonin into smithereens but TBH??? WHO AM I MAD AT I should have seen this coming this whole volume has been such a headache. I cant be bothered to type up a coherent rwde essay on everything that bothered me this episode so im just gonna copy and paste my earlier yelling here instead ;A;

Team Rwby was god awful in episodes 11-12. They’re so self-righteous, entitled, hypocritical and cocky as a team and it doesnt help that they all suck as individual characters nowadays (except for weiss but even she lost best-girl points this episode also lmao blake and yang aren’t even INDIVIDUALS anymore they’re just bumbleby). It was annoying at first but now its just infuriating how rwby thinks theyre always right with their uwu energy and think they can do whatever tf they want with ZERO CONSEQUENCES.

Basically any time there is a problem in this show they have Ruby uwu at it and its solved lol.

They kept giving ironwood shit for taking on this incredible burden SO THAT NOBODY ELSE WOULD HAVE TO and rather than offer any real solution they just kept going “but mantle” like okay?? But remnant??? Like obvi letting mantle rot is bad but HE WAS OPEN TO ANY HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS CUZ HES OBVI AT HIS WITTS END AND DOESNT LIKE THE IDEA EITHER but yeah they just proceed to be the fattest hypocrites by hiding secrets of their own after being all “no more secrets uwu” and WHEN THEY GOT EXPOSED THEY JUST WENT “>:[�� (yangs self-righteous little glare here pissed me off so much oof) especially when ironwood was laying everything out in the open to them from the start. AND ESPECIALLY WHEN THE SECRET WAS FKIN “OH YEAH SALEM CANT DIE LOL” They watched ironwood make every decision he did in hopes of beating Salem while KNOWING she couldnt die??? So literallY WHERE do they get off on screeching at him with their yOu doNt hAvE to Suffer In ManTle YOu doNt kNow whAt iTs liKe bs. Wtf made ruby distrust iw at the start anyway? Because he had a bunch of ships out? They kept this CRUCIAL piece of information from him because he seemed stressed out?? Like what made ruby keep the secret from him. Someone tell me.

And the fact that rwby beat the ace-ops makes no goddamned sense. The power-scaling in this show is non-existant. We finally got to meet some pro huntsmen in this universe who aren’t teachers but are actually on the job, but because we gotta move out of the way for that 👌🏽✨ Power Of Friendship✨ and ✨rwby is always right✨ they somehow managed to beat experienced huntsmen with YEARS in the field who’ve actually graduated school??? FARM BOI OSCAR WHOS *JUST* LEARNING HOW TO FIGHT MANAGED TO LAND A PUNCH ON NEO FKIN POLITAN??? Didnt neo dance circles around yang??? Yang, who punches for a living and also beat mercury and adam??? I cant yall (and the fact that he didnt even bother to sneak up on her this boi literally screamed “no!!” as he ran down a hallway and neo didnt even have time to blink??? Pls)

Ruby’s “you were the best, until you trained us :3” -for maybe 2 days before my team went dancing ruby sis shut right tf up pls my god is this line just so. UNEARNED. Training in a room for a short while does not simply grant you the years of field experience the ace ops have and whAT IS UP WITH HER TRYING TO REASON WITH HARIETT AFTER SAYING THAT COCKY LINE AND FIGHTING HER??? WHAT and also like. The entire idea of “the ops lost cuz they weren’t good friends and were bad at teamwork uwu” is just so dumb. Ur telling me this group of high ranking hunstmen who’ve most likely been working together for at least a few years didnt have teamwork down??? Learning to work together is the most BASIC concept for a team to learn!! Its like the first thing a team has to perfect!! If the ace ops are supposed to be the best of atlas you dont think the ops would have gotten something as fundemental as teamwork down?? I dont buy it. And who gives a shit if they dont hang out after work or take selfies with eachother. Being friends doesnt necessarily mean theyre great at working together. If they succeed at relying on eachother to watch their backs, to keep each other alive (in the words of hariett herself) then Id think theyd know how to protect eachother i.e WORK TOGETHER.

And for all the ✨friendship✨ and ✨going through so much with someone✨ talk rwby like to do, the show barely displays these people acting like friends. We’re constantly TOLD how great of friends this group is, but the actual CONTENT we are shown leaves a lot to be desired. Tell me the last time ruby and blake teamed up in a fight. Or weiss and blake. Or yang and weiss. What teamwork?? Yang only interacts with blake now and weiss is only ever allowed to interact with ruby. Has blake ever said nora or ren’s name out loud? Have jaune and yang ever held a conversation between just them? Team rwby just spent a GOOD DEAL of time seperated from eachother, but when they reunite their teamwork is still somehow better than the ace ops?? Honestly its easier to believe that ruby is closer with team jnpr than she is her own team. If they showed the ops messing up during rwby vs ace ops fight due to lack of communication, then it still doesnt matter. My point is that they shouldnt have lacked teamwork in the first place.

Robyn was m e h this episode “JaMes ConTinUes to UnDeresTimAte Me” *proceeds to get knocked over in .3 seconds and is then KO for the rest of the episode* also great job for starting a fight and aiming to take clovers life in a moving airship with a terrorist on board when clover was acting PEACEFULLY and qrow was WILLING TO TALK IT OUT WITH IW and potentially work on a solution, but naw robyn is big mad and shall shoot.

Qrow made zero sense this episode too. I was with him right up until he chose TYRIAN OVER CLOVER??? THE PSYCOPATH WHO CANNOT BE REASONED WITH OVER THE RATIONAL DUDE YOU KNOW IS GOOD except clover wasnt acting rational in this fight at all and ill get to that AND IS THE ONLY FRIEND YOU HAVE WHOS NOT 19????? Qrow rly looked at tyrian- a man who is literally an enemy to all of remnant and went after ur neice- and said lets get rid of this punk together u and me bro. Like screw teaming with clover to bring down the dude you ACTUALLY have a grudge with whos also a serial killer and then trying to talk it out with clover whod be willing to do things peacefully why is this show like this

and AS FOR CLOVER. where were the braincells this episode. Qrow was trying to fight tyrian-the WAY bigger threat here, but clover??? kept knocking him away from tyrian and restraining him with his hook like??? YEAH LETS HELP OUT THE DEMON SCORPION CRACKHEAD HES CLEARLY NOT THE PRIORITY ATM nvm clover deserved to die there m8

His death scene was emotional and I feel bad for Qrow but u literally sealed his death when u ganged on him with tyrian so why are you even surprised. And on the subject of fairgame, im glad it didnt happen. Qrow was in no state for romance and I was glad he finally had a friend. He just spent the last volume thinking he wasted his life away helping oz, drowning in misery, drinking til he passed out on the street and so drunk he couldnt even be of any help during the apathy situation, when up til now hes been shown to fight just fine while drunk. I don’t see this as a “bury your gays trope” because clover was never confirmed to be gay and all their scenes added up to 40 seconds of platonic friendship. These two are grown ass men, if they had the hots for eachother then im pretty sure they could openly show it and not dance around it like theyre kids. I do feel bad for mlm viewers who were hoping for some rep with fairgame/lucky charms (cuz rt only cares if ur a cute marketable lesbian) but idc for the overly entitled fans who try to force their own headcanons on the writers and go feral when they dont get what they want. You dont just get to prance around claiming whats canon and what isnt. If rep is there then great, but if it isnt, then why not look somehwere else and let the author tell the story theyre trying to tell? Shipping fairgame cuz you think its cute is absolutely fine but not when u start getting ready to casterate crwby for not catering to you. Also, rwby sucks with lgbt+ rep anyway so what were yall expecting.

The only thing that was great this episode was the chorerography. It just sucks that the animation/choreo continues to improve while the writing doesnt. Another thing that really fell off this episode was the whole “we’re friends but we have to fight” drama. It doesnt work when its only ONE SIDE SHOWING ANY DISTRESS OVER IT. Only the ace ops (marrow, clover, the vine dude) seemed to show distress over having to fight rwby (it sucks that the only 1v1 weiss has won was because marrow was going EASY on her cuz he didnt wanna fight her fr) but rwby???? They didnt give any shits. They were so quick to turn against them and aim for their heads. They were SMILING as they ran at the ace ops, while they looked conflicted. If you oppose their UwU philosophy, you’re dead to them.

I really wanna enjoy RWBY but sometimes this show (and the fndm) really tests me. Its ironic how this episode came right after last episode, which I thought was the best chapter this volume. Anyway I rate this 10/10 cuz it gave me best character ironwood and best boi marrow and I would like to give them hugs for carrying this volume on their backs. (Also tyrian and penny and winter have been great too)

[sp4c3-0ddity]

Jumpstart Your Heart

it feels like it’s been a while right?? well, it’s been raining for a few days every week for about a month, so take ~4400 words of post-canon fluff (where Allura lived though it doesn’t really matter tbh). enjoy!! 

Pidge’s car refuses to start.

Fat raindrops steadily pelt her windshield, the lights in the Target parking lot blurring through the streaks of water on the glass. The chill of the winter air fills the interior, her breath misting out in front of her, and when she turns her key in the ignition, all she gets is a stuttering choking sound.

Pidge growls as her forehead falls against the steering wheel. All she wanted from Target was a jar of peanut butter and a bottle of orange juice for tomorrow’s breakfast, but all she got was stranded.

(Well, and the peanut butter and juice; those, along with a bag of cherry-flavored licorice that looked really good on the shelf but tasted awful the instant she tore apart the first strip, lay safely inside a paper grocery bag on the backseat.)

This is fine though! She was a Defender of the Universe - she was in worse situations before launching into space in a blue, lion-shaped weapon of mass destruction. What’s a little car trouble to a Paladin of Voltron?

Pidge drums her fingers on the steering wheel, thinking…she has a jumper cable in the trunk, right? Or, no, she let Hunk borrow it last time he was on Earth and forgot to ask for it back. Maybe another total stranger in the parking lot would have one - and a working car battery - and be willing to help her out? If they need convincing, she can even put on the old gremlin Pidge voice for them.

What drained her battery anyway? It’s not like she has to worry about leaving her headlights turned on when they’re supposed to turn off automatically!

Wait, when was the last time she had the battery changed?

“Quiznak,” Pidge grumbles when she realizes she’s never changed the battery. She spends all day - and sometimes night - designing some of the most advanced ships and weaponry in the universe, but her own damn car still has the battery she bought it with.

She’s going to have to call for help.

Right as the thought crosses her mind, her phone vibrates in her jacket pocket. She fumbles for it with stiff, cold fingers, expecting it to be her mother wondering if she’s home yet (never mind that she moved out of her parents’ house and into her own Garrison-issued apartment almost a year ago) only to be greeted with an alert from the weather service.

A flash flood warning for her county of residence.

“This is fine,” Pidge tells herself despite her heart skipping a beat in alarm. She’s never seen it rain this hard and for so long in this corner of Arizona; is a tsunami of muddy water about to wash across the Target parking lot and sweep her and her traitorous car away while she deliberates?

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she mumbles, scowling at her rain-streaked reflection in the window. “Tsunamis occur as a result of earthquakes, and I’m nowhere near the coast.”

But what if the dam on the river—

Pidge unlocks her phone and dials the first number on her “recent calls” list without glancing at the contact name. Her leg shakes, but she can’t tell if it’s from agitation or the shivers occasionally gripping her.

“Pidge!” Lance greets her cheerfully at the other end. “How’s it going? Not that I’m not happy to hear from you, but since when do you—”

“Lance,” she cuts himself off, “do you have a jumper cable?” Usually speaking to him on the phone leaves her a tad breathless and her palms so slick with sweat she risks dropping anything she’s holding - why does a simple phone call feel so intimate anyway? It’s weird; she calls her parents and brother on the phone all the time! - but now urgency steadies her voice.

“Right to the point, huh?” Lance muses with a chuckle. “Where are you?”

“Uh…the Target by the state highway two miles off-base,” Pidge tells him.

Lance laughs and wonders, “The peanut butter at the commissary not good enough for you?”

Her face warms - is she really that predictable? - but she muffles an irritated groan with her sleeve. “The commissary’s not open this late.”

“Yeah, I guess you could’ve just walked there too,” he adds.

“In the rain?” Pidge snorts. “I’m not crazy enough to risk pneumonia like you.”

“Hey, sometimes I like the simple things,” Lance says, “and one of those is walking around in the rain.”

As if on cue, the downpour becomes a torrent, the sky dumping buckets of water on her car where she sits huddling in the driver’s seat. “Oh, really?” Pidge retorts, rolling her eyes. “You’d better not walk here unless you want me to use your quintessence as if it’s a thirteen-volt battery.”

“Please, I know you need another car to jumpstart your battery,” Lance says. “And since you asked so nicely, I’ll even bring you my umbrella since I’m guessing you didn’t bother with yours when you left.”

Pidge slumps in her seat, tugging her hood over her face as if he’s there to witness her embarrassment when she admits, “That would be…nice.”

(Too bad an umbrella won’t keep puddles from soaking into her socks.)

“All right, hang tight, Pidge!” Lance says. “I’m already in my car, so I’ll be there in a bit.”

Huh, so some of the rain she hears is on his end. “I’ll be here,” Pidge mumbles, “waiting for you…as usual.”

“Hey, don’t be like that!” he says over the rumbling of his car’s engine. “Your knight-in-shining-armor - your very own Sir Lancelot - is on his way to rescue you!”

“Great!” Pidge says with false cheer. Sure, Lance is coming to get her, but she’s still stranded in the rain after the weather service broadcast a flash flood warning to her phone. “Just don’t die because you’re talking on your phone while driving in the dark during a storm.”

“If the Galra and a bunch of other crazy aliens couldn’t kill me, this won’t.”

Pidge runs her fingers through her rain-soaked ponytail and grumbles, “It better not, so please put your phone away and concentrate on driving.”

“All right, fine,” Lance says, and she can almost hear him rolling his eyes. “I thought you found the sound of my voice soothing or something…”

Ah, right, she told him that a few nights ago when she made the mistake of calling him after a nightmare kept her from falling back to sleep.

"It's not like I'm about to have a panic attack now," Pidge bites.

"You sure you're okay, Pidge?"

The concern in his voice...startles her; is he worried a tsunami will wash her away too?

Well, she already decided that fear is completely irrational, so she forces a smile onto her face and says, "I'm fine now that I know you're on your way, Lance."

"Uh—" He breaks off with a cough before he falls silent, the only sound coming from her phone the low hum of his car's radio.

"Lance?" Pidge prompts. "Are you—"

"Fine!" Lance exclaims brightly. "Great since my car still has a working battery! I'll be there in ten minutes, so see you, Pidge!"

He hangs up without giving her the chance to reply.

Pidge, not a little confused, stares at her phone's screen until it darkens, her brow furrowed. She's known Lance for the better part of a decade, but his behavior can still be such a mystery to her, especially of late. It’s almost as if he l—

Maybe she should just take the direct approach and ask him if anything's eating at him.

Luckily Lance doesn't leave her with enough time to really puzzle over it. His car's headlights flash obnoxiously - the jerk has his high-beams on! - through her windshield as he pulls into the parking spot in front of hers. A heartbeat later the driver's door swings open and Lance steps out, opening a Sailor Moon umbrella.

(She makes a mental note to ask - or tease - him about it later, and she won't take "It's my niece's" for an answer.)

He raises a hand and waves, his face barely discernible through the water splattered on her windshield, but she opens her door when he rounds his car.

The sound of the rain was muffled with her ensconced insider her car, but now it hammers down, pattering against Lance's umbrella and hitting her face as she turns to him.

"Hope you didn't miss me too much," Lance says, voice louder than usual to make himself heard over the rain.

Pidge raises an eyebrow and points out, "I saw you at work on Thursday." Never mind that something in her chest loosens at the sight of the smile - warmer than this quiznaking miserable weather - curling his lips...

"And yet you were desperate enough to drain your battery just for an excuse to call me for help." Lance's smile morphs into a smirk that has the unfortunate side effect of both irritating and endearing her.

Pidge snorts and mutters, "As if I need an excuse." She presses the button to pop her hood open before turning back to Lance. "Where's the jumper cable?"

Lance jerks his thumb over his shoulder. "In my trunk. Just wanted to make sure you were okay first." His gaze drifts over her, making her skin crawl with heat, but then he assesses, "You look a little cold."

Pidge rubs her arms, his comment reminding her of her trembling. "No k-kidding, so can we hurry up and jumpstart my car?"

"Okay, okay." Lance raises the hand not holding onto his umbrella defensively. "I forgot how bossy you are."

"I'm not bossy!" she retorts, but by then he's already retreated to his car, the rain covering up the sound of her voice.

But not the sound of his feet splashing through puddles.

Pidge sighs. What are the odds Lance knows how to jumpstart a car? Will he know on which terminal the black clamp goes? Will she need to show him?

Lance is a pilot; of course he knows how to do something so simple as jumpstarting a car, especially if he owns a jumper cable! But Pidge should step outside and hover near him...just in case.

Pidge winces the instant water soaks into her shoes - she should've worn boots rather than sneakers - but follows Lance to the front of her car. His umbrella handle is tucked awkwardly under his arm while he works on attaching the clamps of the jumper cable to her car's battery, his brow furrowed rather sweetly in concentration, at least until Pidge takes the umbrella.

He glances up in surprise, turning to her with wide eyes before a slow grin stretches over his lips. "For a tick I thought you were going to make me do this alone."

"Maybe if it wasn't raining," Pidge teases. She raises the umbrella over both their heads, huddling under its poor approximation of shelter.

(Lance is a better source of warmth anyway.)

Lance attaches a red clamp to the positive terminal on her car's battery and the black clamp to something metal. She trails after him to his car but can't help wondering, "You shut the ignition off, right?"

Lance frowns at her. "Can't you see the engine isn't on, Pidge?"

She smiles sheepishly and says, "Yes, now that you point it out."

"Then quit micromanaging me."

She shivers as he attaches the remaining two clamps to his car's battery, rain soaking into her clothes despite her efforts to stay under the umbrella. Her cold fingers loosen around the handle, too stiff to hold on properly, and she can't help a relieved shudder when Lance tells her it's time.

Her engine roars into life, a gleeful laugh escaping her when Lance whoops over the sound of two engines and the rain. "Perfect," she mumbles. "Now to let it charge for a few minutes..."

Her engine shudders and dies.

"What?" Pidge exclaims, her heart jumping into her throat. She smacks the steering wheel - as if that'll do any good - and groans, "No..."

A tapping on her window makes her jump, and she opens her door to Lance, sans Sailor Moon umbrella with his hood pulled over his head. "Didn't last, huh?" he observes regretfully.

Pidge shakes her head, slouching. "I'll have to buy a new battery in the morning," she says, "and..." She bites her lip before wondering, "Can you give me a ride home?"

Lance meets her eyes before he smiles and says, "I'll do you one better. You can spend the night at my place, and in the morning I'll take you to buy the battery before bringing you back here."

Pidge's jaw drops, but when she recovers - though her cheeks still feel hot enough to warm the interior of her car if only all the doors were closed - she says, "Lance, you don't have to do that. I can call my dad tomorrow and—"

"So you'll make me drive twice more in the rain?" Lance says, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow - which, frankly, looks absurd with his hair plastered to his head and water dripping down his face. "And one of those times without you to supervise me and make sure I don't commit some atrocity like texting while driving?"

Pidge throws up her hands and asks, "What are you, a teenager who just got his license?"

"Nope." Lance leans down, close enough to her level she can imagine the warmth of his breath touching her forehead. "Just a concerned friend who wants to do you a favor."

"Do you...owe me something?" Pidge wonders suspiciously.

"Come on, Pidge!" Lance rests his hands on her shoulders and shakes her slightly. "Let's have a sleepover like we used to on the Castle! You'll get warm and dry and be able to fall asleep to the sound of my oh-so-soothing voice if you want"—is he...blushing?—"and I'll even feed you. I might even have some hot chocolate mix and bread for you to slap some of that peanut butter onto if you want."

"But...I need pajamas," Pidge protests, though she knows she's already fighting a losing battle. "And a toothbrush—"

"I have an unused one," Lance says with a dismissive wave of his hand, "and I'll lend you something to sleep in. So...what do you say?"

Pidge's jaw flaps uselessly, taking in his hopeful expression and wondering if she can really make an objective decision about this with her heart hammering - does she really want to spend the night with Lance? - and with his obviously faked guilt trip.

"Fine," Pidge grumbles. Lance grins so brightly, his fist pumping, that she can't help a smile of her own.

But that doesn't stop her from warning him, "On one condition: I am not sharing my peanut butter with you."

Lance's car hydroplanes twice on the way to his apartment complex a few blocks from Garrison premises. Pidge holds tight to her seat belt, her heart bouncing in her chest until tires touch wet asphalt again.

Both times, she turns to Lance and socks his shoulder before saying, "Quit trying to kill us!"

Both times, he screeches in indignation and rubs his shoulder before retorting, "Quit trying to kill me!"

Both times, she retorts, "I barely hit you!"

And both times, he snorts before rolling his eyes and smiling with a fondness that makes her heart skip a beat for a reason that has little to do with fear that he'll skid off a cliff or into an overflowing canal.

"Relax!" Lance says after the second time. "I've got this, Pidge. I've driven in the middle of a hurricane before, so this is nothing."

Pidge crosses her arms. "You do know I have your mom's contact information and I can literally call her to fact check that claim?"

Lance laughs but presses a hand to his chest. "Oh, Pidge, you wound me by not trusting your old war comrade's words." When she continues to stare at him with her lips pressed together, utterly unimpressed, he scratches his ear sheepishly and confesses, "Fine, it was just a dying tropical storm, but come on!" He gestures broadly and adds, "We've been in the middle of space dogfights, so this really is nothing."

Pidge, in the end, can't fight her smile at the reminder - for all the misery that all caused her and her family and her planet - but she turns to the rain-streaked passenger window to hide it. "Just keep both hands on the steering wheel," she mumbles.

"As you wish, my dear Pidge," Lance says almost snidely, and she's pleased when he actually listens.

His apartment is familiar - she's visited many times by day or dry evening to play video games or watch a movie while eating takeout from that bizarre "Earth-alien" fusion place on the corner - but the walk from Lance's assigned parking spot to the door on the second floor deck feels long in the downpour.

Before Pidge can open the passenger door, Lance's hand on her arm freezes her. "Wait," he says. "I'll come around with the umbrella so you don't get too wet."

"You don't have to—" But his door shuts behind him, and Pidge barely sets foot outside - right in a puddle that soaks into her sneakers and the hems of her poor leggings - when he's there to greet her.

"By the way," Pidge says as he raises the umbrella over both their heads and she unthinkingly loops her arm through his, "what's with the Sailor Moon?"

Lance flushes, but he hides it well by reaching around her to grab her grocery bag and shove it into her free arm. "It's my, uh, niece's."

Pidge smirks. "I knew you'd say that."

"Let's just go inside," he grumbles.

They hightail it, running awkwardly standing close together under the umbrella before they give up on it and sprint full tilt, splashing through puddles with raindrops hitting her face and soaking into her hair when her hood flies off her head.

Pidge storms up the stairs ahead of Lance, and when her foot nearly slips out from under her, her breath escaping her in shock, he catches her around the waist. But she doesn't pause to consider the imprint of his touch on her, and by the time he unlocks his door and they pile into the warmth of his apartment, Pidge is shivering too violently to do much more than stand in her soaked clothes and tremble.

Lance shucking off his own wet jacket is enough to get her to move. She tugs hers off, handing it to him to hang on a hook from the shower rod in the bathroom, before kicking off her sneakers and peeling off her disgustingly wet socks and sinking her toes into the warm carpet in front of a vent blasting hot air.

Pidge shudders in relief, squatting in front of it as she combs her fingers through her sodden ponytail. She'll have to do something about all the tangles now too...

Lance clears his throat behind her, and she stands to see him handing her a towel and a set of old clothes. "You can, uh, change in the bathroom. I'll be in...the bedroom...changing my own clothes."

"Right." Pidge watches him retreat, his back to her while she admires the way his soaked shirt clings to his shoulders and shows off how the muscles in his back move.

And then he pauses in his bedroom doorway to glance over his shoulder, his eyes widening when they catch hers.

Heat rushes to her face when he turns back around and stretches his arms over his head with a groan before tugging off his shirt.

Pidge spins on her heel and buries her face in the towel he gave her. Did he do that because she was watching?

"Quiznak," she curses, her voice muffled in fabric.

Despite the chill she just escaped, Pidge splashes cold water onto her face once she's safely ensconced in the privacy of the bathroom. She's just here to spend the night, to accept the favor Lance offered her with no strings attached (for now), to maybe chat and play games with him before she catches a few hours of sleep on his surprisingly comfortable sofa.

No, she won't think about running her fingers through his damp hair or tracing the Blue Lion tattoo that peeks out of his shirt collar or feeling his breath warming her face or press her lips against his like she's wanted to do for years.

No, she won't think about damaging almost a decade of friendship for a kiss he might not want.

(But what if he...does?)

Pidge changes into the clothes Lance provided - an old, baggy t-shirt and a pair of soccer shorts with drawstrings she has to tie very securely - and brushes her teeth with a toothbrush she finds under the sink buried in a stockpile of beauty and hygiene products. She leaves her hair in its ponytail and figures it’ll be one problem to tackle in the morning.

She emerges from the bathroom and heads straight for the kitchen, intent on the snack she craved enough to leave her own apartment to drive to Target in the middle of a dreary winter storm. She locates a bag of bread in the fridge and pops two slices in the toaster before shrugging and helping herself to a Granny Smith apple. She cuts it up and dips the slices directly into the jar of peanut butter.

That’s how Lance finds her, sitting on the kitchen counter munching on apple slices and crunchy peanut butter right as the toaster disgorges her burnt toast.

Pidge offers him the jar. “Want some?”

Lance - looking comfortable in a bathrobe over his pajamas - stands across from her and raises an eyebrow. “I thought you weren’t sharing with me.”

“I changed my mind out of the kindness of my heart,” she deadpans before her sarcasm fails and she flashes him a smile. She shakes the jar and nods at the toast. “Hope you don’t mind that it’s a little burnt?”

Lance laughs. “Lucky for you, I don’t.” He takes the slices - wincing and gasping “ah!” when they prove too hot - and drops them into a plate before grabbing a knife.

They share their snack quietly, with Lance leaning against the counter beside her. And when it’s a little too much - when his arm brushing against hers makes goosebumps rise across her skin - Pidge blurts, “Thank you.”

Lance turns to her, his eyes wide. “For…what?”

She bites her lip and stares at a fleck of peanut butter stuck to her middle finger. “For coming to get me in the middle of a storm and letting me spend the night even though I live literally ten minutes away.”

Lance smiles when she dares to glance at him. “What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t invite you over?”

“A…sane one, maybe.”

He snorts and walks off to wash his hands at the sink. “Good thing I’m crazy about you then.”

“Yes, good—” Pidge stares disbelievingly at the back of his head, her breath catching and heat flooding her and…yes, Lance’s ears are definitely turning red. Maybe she misheard her or just misinterpreted him. He can’t possibly have said what she thinks he did. “What?”

She holds her breath as Lance turns to face her, something intense but…familiar in his gaze, almost trapping her in place. Her heart pounds too quickly as he approaches her, one step at a time, every second dragging yet passing so fast when he stands right in front of her too soon.

“Lance,” she says, and she might’ve hated how breathy it sounds if he didn’t capture her lips in his the instant his name escaped them.

He pulls away too soon, barely giving her the chance to reciprocate, but the heat in his eyes and his body so close to hers and her own swirling thoughts and rising emotion make her slow to react, her tongue tied into knots.

Until Lance wonders in a low voice that sends a shiver up her spine, “What’re you thinking, Pidge?”

“How fitting it is that our first kiss tasted like peanut butter,” Pidge says, because for some reason that’s the first thing that popped into her head.

Lance’s jaw drops - obviously he wasn’t expecting that - but then he chuckles and asks, “Why?”

“Because I love peanut butter.” She rests her hands on his shoulders and tugs him closer until he stands between her knees within easy kissing distance.

She takes advantage of it immediately.

Pidge kisses Lance in the way she almost convinced herself she never would, hungrily, with her lips parted over his and her fingers gripping his robe. One of his hands cradles the back of her head, and the other sits on her knee, his finger only just brushing against the bare skin of her thigh under her borrowed shorts.

Her heart races as she tears away to gasp for breath before finally telling Lance, “But I love you more than peanut butter.”

“Oh, good!” exclaims Lance with a dazzling smile that she matches. But he clears his throat and flashes her a smirk. “I mean…my work here is done. I was starting to worry I’d have to break you two up.”

Pidge rolls her eyes but wraps her arms around his neck and laughs while he embraces her around the waist. She threads her fingers through his hair and listens to the sound of his steady breathing, shoving away the memory of a time she feared she’d never hear it again.

Lance shifts just enough to rest his forehead against hers. “Is there any way I can convince you to spend the night more often without sabotaging your car?” When Pidge’s eyes widen, he hurriedly adds, “Not that I did this time!”

Pidge giggles and says, “Maybe.”

His lips brush against hers as he murmurs, “Is ‘I love you too’ a good enough reason?”

Pidge’s chest is so warm she wonders how she almost froze in the rain barely an hour ago. She touches Lance’s cheek and says, “Help me replace my car’s battery. Then we’ll talk.”

[bakugous-abs]

Scenario where Izuku and fem!reader started to date in middle school, but once they got into U.A. together they grew apart, and she forms the theory that he's going to break up with her (when he's really not), and one day he goes to visit her unexpectedly and finds her crying while wearing his All Might hoodie, and he just feels a bunch of guilt, and he promises to do better, and they just have a really fluffy moment? Thank you to whoever writes this, you're all awesome! 💕

~Admin Eun

Izuku was a gentle andkind boy, a wee bit anxious, but perhaps that was what made him so appealing tothe eyes of (Name). Nose always in a journal that he seemed to entranced with,(Name) would watch him afar and then blush quickly after. Although her peersseemed to find joy at his degrading expense, (Name) always felt that if anyone,Izuku was a person who needed to be treated with warmth. So, understandingthat, she would have to be the one to treat him with such manner as it appearedthat no one else wanted to (which the entirety of that made her shocked beyondbelief as the boy was a bundle of nerves and timid smiles). Truthfully (Name)had been enchanted with Izuku ever since he flashed her a shaky smile andscurried away with a red face, but every time she tried to talk to him he wouldseem to get too nervous and shy away from her. But (Name) was determined tobecome acquainted with him—he could use a friend, anyways.

Before she even knewit, (Name) had not only succeeded in befriending him, but had also managed toworm her way into his heart and become his girlfriend. Yes, on occasion (Name)would get a few sideways glances full of mockery or scoffed at, but she didn’tcare. She had her loving, sweet, and tender Izuku, and for the time being thatwas all she needed.

Not only was he theperfect partner, Izuku was also the perfect student. He was naturallyintelligent, but what made him so perfect was his sheer determination. Bornquirkless, but still driven to get into the prestigious school of U.A. whichcoincidentally was the high school (Name) wished to attend as well. Izukupassed the exam with flying colors, and (Name) was too happy for him to evenbother asking how he passed in the first place. She had congratulated him witha hug as he cried into her shoulder.

After that, it seemedlike it was going to be smooth sailing for both Izuku and (Name). They wereboth placed in the same hero course, and although they had both gone through afew dangerous situations, in the end they both always turned out safe.Naturally, though, high school in itself was stressful. Because of such, Izukufound himself taking rainchecks on (Name’s) date propositions, or respondingwith her actions of affections half-heartedly or with a small smile and thenreturning to doing whatever he was preoccupied with. It hurt her, of course,but she understood that he was busy as a hero on the rise, and all. Still,regardless of how understanding she was, it made her disheartened every time hebrushed off her small kisses or her compliments that used to make him smile sobrightly.

(Name) began stressing.Her and Izuku had been together for a little over a year now—was he gettingsick of her? Was he getting bored of being with her for so long? Or perhaps hewas getting annoyed with her constant company? Doubts and insecurities swarmedher mind as she paced around her dorm. For example, just the other week she hadapproached Izuku with a bright smile. The two hadn’t gone on a date in a while,so it couldn’t hurt to ask, right?

“Ah, Izuku, I wasthinking that maybe we could grab a bite to eat after school? And then maybe wecould go see the gardens! I hear that they’re blooming quite nicely thisseason,” she chirped, excitement evident on her face. She presented this ideacasually, but truthfully she had spent a lot of time and research to plan theperfect date with him.

“Oh…Sorry, (Name),not this week. I’m really busy,” he said, smiling sympathetically at her. (Name’s)face fell, her shoulders slumping as her excitement dissolved intodisappointment. As of lately, it seemed like ‘not this week’ was Izuku’smost favorite phrase.

“It’s…It’s okay, Izu,” shereplied. That was a big fat lie, and they could both tell that it was so.Still, Izuku watched as (Name) trudged back to her room without looking back athim.

(Name) sighed, buryingher head into her hands as she sat on her bed. Izuku wasn’t intentionallyhurting her…Right? Never before had she considered this, but the more thethought presented itself the more she started panicking. Perhaps it waschildish of her, but in a burst of emotion she glanced at her closet beforesnagging Izuku’s ‘All Might’ hoodie from one of the hangers and pressing itclosely to her chest. It smelled like sweet laundry soap and his shampoo, andthis in itself made tears gather at the corners of her eyes. Slipping it overher head, she laughed blandly and laid on her bed.

(Name) felt silly and abit immature, but at the same time she felt that it was justified. Her kneeswere up to her chest as she laid in a fetus position, hands covering herblotchy face as she sobbed into them. She didn’t hear the door creak open.

When Izuku walked inthe room, he expected to see (Name)—his happy and cheerful (Name)—sitting ather desk or maybe just relaxing on her phone. What he did not expect wasto walk in and be dreadfully greeted with the sight of his girlfriend curledinto a small ball, body shaking ever so slightly with the dreary rhythm of hersobs.

“(N-Name)!” heexclaimed, shutting the door behind him and walking cautiously to her side. Shelooked up, sitting up quickly and attempting to dry her eyes. Despite the uttermortification she felt from being caught, she gave Izuku a smile.

“Did you needsomething?” she croaked. If she was trying to sound like nothing was wrong, itdidn’t work. The fact that she was still trying to smile for him made Izukufrown.

“What’s going on?”

“Huh? Nothing’s wrong,Izu. I’m just relaxing.”

Izuku took a seatbeside her, hand resting on her thigh lightly. The small bit of contact made(Name) jump ever so slightly, and it was only then that he realized how long ithad been since they had been affectionate with one another…And he also realizedthat it was his fault.

“(Name), please…” Hewatched as she avoided his gaze in shame. No matter how much she tried to denyit, she knew that Izuku knew her too well to let it up. So, embarrassed andfrankly a complete mess, she bit her lip before opening her mouth to speak. “I…Gosh,I don’t know, Izuku…Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed it? We just…This is soselfish of me to say because like I know how busy you are, but…” Her voicecracked, (Name) instinctively bringing a hand up to cover her mouth as sheattempted to choke out the rest of her explanation. “I just feel like…You don’twant to be around me anymore…Do you want to…Fuck, I don’t know, are you goingto break up with me, Izuku?” The way she looked at him with glossy and red eyesmade his heart crack from the top to the bottom before it split in two.

“What? No! No—(Name), Iwouldn’t even think of that…!”

“Then why…Why haven’tyou been…” She trailed off, as if she felt guilty that she felt the way shedid. At this point, Izuku began crying as well as he held (Name) by theshoulders. “I’m so sorry, (Name). I didn’t even realize—I-I’ve been soinconsiderate…”

“Please don’t say that,Izuku!” (Name) wailed, face contorting as more sobs shook her body. “You’rebusy, and I have to understand that!”

“No, (Name), I’m yourboyfriend and I’m supposed to be drying your tears, not causing them!” Theywere both sobbing, (Name) leaning her head into Izuku’s shoulders as shewrapped her arms tightly around his form. He did the same, pulling her bodyclose to his own.

“I’m so sorry, (Name).I promise to…to be a better boyfriend. Because you deserve the best.”

(Name) laughed softly. “Ilove you, Izu.”

Izuku smiled, pullingaway before placing a gentle kiss on (Name’s) lips that she had so longed for. “Ilove you too, (Name).” 

[bedbellyandbeyond]

Sickness

(Story Post)

A morning came one day where Nathan just couldn’t get out of bed. He called his doctor hoping he’d come for a house call and thankfully Reid had a little bit of time. When he arrived at Nathan’s home, he let himself in with the key Nathan had told him was under his flower pot. He headed upstairs to find his favourite wolf-man curled up in a cocoon again. “Oh dear, what’s the matter today?” Reid asked. “You can’t get out of bed?” Nathan rolled over to face him and frowned. “They’re moving…”

Reid blinked, his eyes lighting up. “Really? Well, that’s a very good sign, Nathan.” “I hate it… They’re making me nauseous,” Nathan said. “I don’t know what to do… I think I’ll puke if I get up…” Reid sighed sympathetically. “Unfortunately, getting up is the most common cure. When you lie down, babies love to go nuts in there, but when you stand, they typically calm down.” “If I stand, I’ll puke.” “You probably won’t but I can get you a trash can or something,” Reid said. “Is there one in your bathroom?” “Should be…” Reid went and got the bin and brought it back. “Take this and get yourself up. Come on.” Nathan wrapped the blankets around himself and tucked it so it wouldn’t come off then took the trash can in one hand and let Reid pull him up with his other hand. When he was upright, he did still feel queasy, but the twins settled down after a few seconds alongside the nausea. “I’m not gonna puke,” Nathan said. “Aye. So is that all I drove out here for?” Reid asked. “Well… No…” Nathan said, looking down. “There’s something else…” “And what’s that, laddie?” Reid asked, patting Nathan’s arm. “I… Um, it’s really embarrassing…” Nathan said. “I guess, it’s uh… Ah, fuck it…” He undid the blanket, displaying the two big wet marks in his pyjama shirt. Reid put his hands on his hips. “Well, well. Your milks come in.” “But why?” Nathan asked. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re pregnant.” “But I don’t have tits!” Nathan said. “You don’t need prominent breasts to start lactating, just the right plumbing which everyone has—unless removed—and the right hormone cocktail,” Reid explained. “This was to be expected.” “Then why didn’t you tell me this would happen?” “I forgot but also I expected you to consider it before,” Reid said. “But it’s nothing to fret about. Let me take a look.” Nathan sighed and took off his shirt. He looked away as the doctor examined his chest. “They’ve definitely swollen up,” Reid said. “Are they tender?” “Yeah, really sensitive…” Nathan pouted. “Shirts feel uncomfortable rubbing against them. And I don’t know what to do with all the…all the leakage.” “Say no more. You want nursing pads,” Reid said. “There’s different kinds, but overnight ones and braless ones will likely be best.” Nathan rubbed his eye. “I’ve been to baby stores too much now… I really don’t want to go out like this.” “Laddie. Order them online,” Reid said. “It’s early morning. You could potentially have it all delivered by the end of the day. Also, get yourself a big sports bra. That’ll help a lot.” “A bra? I can’t wear a bra!” Nathan complained. “Yes you can. I believe in you. You’re not the only man who’s ever had to wear a bra. I can guarantee that.” “Oh god, how am I supposed to do all this? It’s so embarrassing and I have to do it alone,” Nathan groaned. Reid rubbed his back. “Tell me what’s on your mind. What’s troubling you most about this?” Nathan sighed deeply and sat down. “I just… Everything I expected when it came to me having kids is thrown out the window…” “What were you expecting?” Reid sat down beside him. “Well, first I thought I’d be adopting… And I thought I’d have job security. And I thought I’d be…well, married. At least, I’d have a partner helping me… Signing the papers with me. Decorating the nursery with me. Picking out clothes. But I’ve done everything alone. And I’m pregnant.” Reid rubbed his chin. “Well, have you thought about dating?” Nathan frowned. “Dating? Seriously? Like this?” He motioned to his torso. “You’d be surprised by the people who could be into that,” Reid insisted. Nathan crinkled his nose. “I don’t want to be someone’s fetish. I want someone who wants the normal me. The not fat and leaking me.” He looked down. “God, if I hadn’t…become what I am now… I’d still be with Hugh. I’d still work at my old school. We were even starting to talk about kids… I ruined everything.” “Well, I’m sorry, but I’ve heard your transformation story many times and it has always sounded like it was Hugh’s fault you were bit in the first place,” Reid said. “He took you off the path. He found the wolf cub. He chose to leave you when you needed him most.” “I tore his leg off!” Nathan growled. “I’d leave any man who tore my leg off too!” “He wouldn’t have had his leg torn off if he didn’t get you bit,” Reid stated. “You understand?” Nathan crossed his arms. “Are you pinning this on Hugh to try and make me feel better? Because it’s not working.” He gagged a little as he felt a movement in his stomach again so he stood up. “God, I want this to end…” “It’ll be over soon,” Reid said. “Rest for today.” “I can't…” Nathan rubbed his eyes. “I’ve missed work way too much… The principal acts nice about it, but I can tell she wants to kill me.” “She doesn’t want to kill you. But you need the rest. I might even say we should start you on bed rest but you’re determined to work.” “I don’t know if you noticed, but children are expensive,” Nathan said. “I can barely afford my own living situation right now. I need to work.” Reid sighed. “After the next wolf cycle, I’m putting you on bed rest. You need it and the twins need it. I can tell just by looking at you, you’re beyond exhausted.” “…Fine. That gives me three weeks,” Nathan huffed. “But that’s still so soon…” “Just keep thinking about how you’ll get to meet your little angels.” Reid placed a hand on the side of Nathan’s stomach. “I think you’ll find it’s all worth it.” Nathan exhaled deeply for a couple seconds then placed his hands on his stomach. In this sitting position, the twins had started acting up again and he could feel them moving. His stomach turned as he felt it, but he just thought about how it was his children and that every little move meant they were alive. While he still felt a little sick from the movement, it warmed his heart a little bit knowing they were safe. “…Doc.” Reid perked up. “Aye?” “I should tell my parents, right?” Reid blinked stared at Nathan. “You haven’t told your parents yet that they’re going to be grandparents?” Nathan shook his head. “…I haven’t talked to them since… Well, since my grandma’s funeral.” “Ah. Fuzzy connection?” Nathan nodded. “Very fuzzy… I came out when I was fifteen and they sent me away to live with my grandma. They thought her ‘traditional ways’ would ‘fix’ me. That backfired pretty quick. My nana was nothing but loving.” He rubbed his belly. “I wish she was here to meet her great grandkids… But I guess, that’s not common anyway…” “Mm… Aye, I wish you coulda been so lucky,” Reid sympathised. “And it’s up to you whether you believe your parents should know and be a part of this journey with you. The last thing you need though is more stress.” “Right…” Nathan sighed and stood back up to relieve the movement. “Can you let Principal Liu know I won’t be coming in today?” “I’ll do that.” Reid checked his watch. “I got to go though. I have an appointment with another patient.” “Alright, go ahead… I’m good I guess,” Nathan decided. “Thanks for coming all the way out here, doc. I guess my issue was pretty dumb…” Reid shook his head. “No, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Do you have any friends or family who can come around and check up on you?” “Um… The only person I can think of would maybe be Nari… But he’d be working, so…” “It might be worth talking to him because it’s always better to have people around if not just for emotional support.” “I guess… But Nari's… Nari can be a little…” “Stubborn and abrasive?” Reid asked. “Yeah, he’s like that. But he means well and I’m sure if he’s paid any attention to you, it means he likes you.” “I mean, I guess… He made us official friends the other day when we, uh…” Nathan scratched the back of his head. “Well, he came over to help with my laundry. Started calling me by my first name.” “Well, then you’re best buds it seems,” Reid chuckled. “Good, it’s important he makes friends too… He avoids it. You know you’re true friends when he carries you over.” “Over what?” Nathan asked. “Over lives. You must’ve heard him talk about his lives,” Reid explained. “Nari creates a new persona every couple decades to avoid people catching on to his immortality. Each new persona is usually accompanied with a big move. His first new persona moved to the UK. Then when she was done, Nari was created and he moved to Canada. What I’d like to see is either an extension in one of his personas, or at least the effort to bring over some people in his life and not just cut everyone off.” “Oh. That seems…” Nathan rubbed his chin. “Dramatic maybe?” “Yes, but you can understand. I only hope to be brought over too… I feel like he should at least consider what APID has to offer him or whoever he’ll be in the long term.” Reid checked his watch again and clenched his teeth. “Christ, I really gotta go, Nathan. But I’ll call in the afternoon, make sure you’re well.” Nathan nodded and pulled a robe on. “…Nursing pads, right?” “Aye. I’ll send you a link to some good ones from the web.” Reid went out to the stairs. “Okay… Bye then.” “Eat something. Bye now.”

[ultsracha]

Friends to Lovers w/ Eric (tbz)

Request: Anon -  Ok uuuh I’ve never requested before so idk how to word all this but could you maybe write some Eric (the boyz) catching feelings for his best friend and him trying to ask her out ?? And maybe like the other 00 liners making fun of him for being all soft :( I’m sorry I’m trash at explaining stuff <3 Have a wonderful day A/N: Thank you for requesting! im sorry that this isnt the best but i tried !  Warnings: mild angst & swearing

*He looks so teeny tiny in this gif ouchies my heart*

you and Eric had been friends for literally your whole lives 

all of your childhood memories had him in them 

running around the back yard? Eric was right behind you 

Learning how to ride a bike? This dude was the reason you had the courage to do it

So it was no surprise to everyone that all throughout school you stayed friends 

Joined at the hip every second you could be

In class you would sit together and help each other with the work

Of course you had your other friends, 11 of them who were all part of Eric’s band they called ‘The Boyz’ 

They accepted you into their group with open arms

Most nights after school were spent in the practice room with them 

Watching them dance and run around 

Eric always tried to get you involved but that’s a big, fat, nope 

But you literally had the best, best friend 

So, like every other day you’re sat at the lunch table waiting for Eric to get out of his class while you sat with Sunwoo and Hyunjoon 

“You coming stargazing with us tonight?” Sunwoo asks as he shoves a few grapes into his mouth

“Of course, I’ll bring some food if you guys want as well?” you replied

This wasn’t uncommon for you all, to go sit on Kevin’s roof with blankets and snacks and just look at the stars 

“Is Eric coming too?” You ask because let’s face it everything's more fun with him around 

“OoOOoooOOOOoooOOh ‘Is Eric coming too?’ oOOooOo” Hyunjoon teases, nudging your arm 

“Ah fuck off you know it’s not like that, we’ve been friends forever! I can’t go anywhere without him now” 

They both continued to tease and nudge you around until you saw Eric walking over 

As per the routine, you got up and met him halfway across the hall for a massive hug 

“Hey! What’s up? You’re bright red?” He asks after hugging you

“Ohhh nothing, just dumb and dumber trying to steal my last brain cell” you giggle as you both settle into your seats 

Eric draping his arm round your shoulders like he always does 

Sunwoo giving you a sly smirk like he a l w a y s does when you and Eric even look at each other

It wasn’t hard to understand why everyone gave you these looks

Most people assumed you were together

Even some of your family had suspicions because of how close you two were 

but you could only dream... 

This little crush you had started mid teens and had persisted ever since 

Now it was nearing the end of school and here you were, hopelessly in love 

Honestly it had just become a normal part of your life by now and that was okay, as long as you had him with you being your best friend. It was okay

“You’re coming to Kevins tonight yeah?” Eric mumbles into your ear 

Resisting the urge shiver you simply nod and turn away and continue to listen to the bickering of the boys 

After that the day goes on peacefully, Eric walks you to class and kisses your forehead before jogging to his own class 

The bus journey home you guys sit together and share earphones, taking it in turns to choose a song 

“I’ll see you later yeah?” You ask as you both get off the bus at your stop 

“Yeah I might be a bit late though, I’ve got some things to get done beforehand” he replies, throwing his bag over his shoulders 

“Alright, I’ll see you later then!” you start to wave goodbye and of course, as per usual he brings you in for a hug and to kiss your forehead 

and yet again your heart swells and you inwardly scream because why not your lips hm? 

Later that evening Sangyeon picks you up, with Sunwoo and Haknyeon already in the car

Sunwoo on the aux playing some random country music to annoy everyone 

It’s an amazing night to stargaze, you get to Kevins just at the end of sunset where the sky is mostly dark but a lilac hue still coats the edges of the sky

The stars already sparkling 

Kevins roof was your favourite place to be as he lived at the top of a hill, meaning the view of the city below could be seen 

As well as the roof itself having a large flat bit for everyone to cosy up together 

Most of the group are already there setting up blankets and pillows and the speaker

As expected Eric wasn’t there yet so you just dumped out all the snacks you gathered next to the speaker and went to speak to the host

“Did Eric tell you what he had to do tonight?” you ask, watching Kevin struggle to smooth out a massive blanket

“Yes but I’m not telling you, it’s a secret” he replies

“Why? What is it?” your heart starting to race

Did he have a girlfriend? Was he keeping her a secret? Was he bringing her tonight? 

Yes, that’s where your mind goes because, well every girl in the school would be lucky to have him 

“Y/N calm down he’s gone to get something for tonight, don’t worry he’s still your mans but not really your mans” he smirks, patting the top of your head and walking away

You just stand there blinking before realising what he even said, leading you to pursue him to where everyone was sat already 

“He’s not my ‘mans’ Kevin we all know he’s got every girl in the school whipped for him” you sigh, plopping yourself next to Jacob

who was munching on some chips 

“Y/N you’re kidding right?” Sunwoo smirks while Hyunjoon giggles lightly and nods 

“No I’m not, I’m honestly surprised he hasn't got a girlfriend already...” you mumble 

The sad truth being explained to your friends hurt but it wasn’t hard to see, he wasn’t in love with you 

“He has THE biggest crush on you Y/N how do you not see it?” 

You look up from your lap to see everyone nodding in agreement 

Who knew your friends would play such a prank on you

“This isn’t funny guys, you’re just teasing and it’s painful so please can we just change the subject?” 

lets be real it would always hurt knowing how everyone could see how in love you were but how obviously he wasn't 

“Seriously, everyday we see him he talks about how cute you look or how smart you are and how he can’t wait to show you this dance because he wants to impress you” Hyunjoon giggles while Changmin over dramatically nods 

“and how you smell nice all the time” Sunwoo adds rolling his eyes

“they boy’s whipped for you” Hyunjoon continues 

“It’s almost annoying how literally no one exists when you’re around because he’s so focused on you” 

Your heart has literally stopped 

Because ??? Eric???? liking you???? 

“Right let’s quit the teasing because we weren’t even meant to tell her so now you’re gonna have to explain to him about this” Sangyeon scolds the younger ones 

You just lay back into the pillows still not computing 

They have to be lying? He’s never shown any interest in you? 

You hear them still laughing about how your face looks when you’re shocked 

Jacob leans over to whisper “just ignore them, they’re rooting for you” 

You’re just lying on the roof, looking up to the sky with butterflies bursting your stomach and your heart beating like crazy in your chest when you hear Kevins bedroom window open 

“Hey guys, sorry I was late” Eric bursts through the window “I was just getting a few things” 

Everyone greets him but you stay silent, looking up at the sky because you were just TOO nervous to say anything

“You okay?” He asks you, laying down next to you and propping his head on his arm

“Yeah! Just looking at the stars” your voice betraying your panic

He just nods and rolls over to lie on his back next to you 

The night goes on as normal, everyone chatting, listening to music and enjoying the view 

You hop in the conversation every once in a while but the others seem to understand why you’re being more quiet 

Eric hardly speaks to you but never leaves your side, just lying next to you also in his in thoughts 

“What’s up?” You whisper to him after a while

“Just thinking about stuff” He whispers back shifting to lay on his side to look at you 

You look into his eyes and he looks,,, nervous?

“What you thinking about?” you ask, shifting to mirror his position 

“It’s nothing don’t worry Y/N” He replies shaking his head

“You know you can tell me anything Eric we’re best friends...” 

At this he sighs even more and stands up 

“What? What did I do?” You also stand 

He’s already climbing back through Kevins window 

Naturally you follow, heart beating out of your chest at the thought of Eric being upset with you

“Seriously whats wrong? Why can’t you tell me?” You follow him into the room

“Because if I tell you we can’t be friends and it’ll all go wrong so it’s better if I don’t say anything” 

“Why? We’re best friends we’ve always told each other everything whats changed?” 

“Will you please stop saying that?” He almost shouts and spins around to face you

You’ve never seen him this upset before 

Sunwoo and Hyunjoon were wrong, he doesn't love you he doesn't even want to be friends anymore

“Y-y-y-you don’t want to be friends with me anymore?” You splutter out,  tears already brimming in your eyes 

They were so wrong and they couldn't have said what they did at a worse time, giving you that small bubble of hope in your chest for it to be crushed an hour later 

“It’s not that I just....” he trails off, wringing his hands nervously 

“Then what Eric?” You burst into tears, heart almost breaking in that moment 

“Y/N I love you. Fuck. I’m sick of hiding it and being teased all the time for not having the courage to tell you. I fucking love you” 

The tears didn't stop when you rushed over and wrapped your arms around his neck 

Standing on your tiptoes to hug him you felt his arms wrap around your waist 

You both just stood there holding each other

His erratic breathing indicating he’s crying too

“I love you too Eric, so much, for so long” 

You just stayed put in his arms, him stroking the back of your head

“I didn’t believe them when they told me...” you giggle while pulling away to look at him

His eyes just go so wide 

“They did what?” He yelped

“Oh they told me all about how you talk about me all the time and how whipped you are” you giggle even more

The look on his face just makes you laugh harder 

“I’m going to kill them” he growls and charges back through the window

You just smile and follow him onto the roof where everyone was just laughing and nudging Eric around

“So he’s finally confessed!” Jacobs asks you grinning from ear to ear

“It’s about time, now we don’t have to spend every dance practice brainstorming ways to get him to do it” Sunwoo laughs, earning a slap from Eric

Once the teasing died down Eric joined your side leaning against the wall by Kevins window

“So does this mean you’ll be my girlfriend?” He asks 

And despite the dark you can tell his cheeks are dusted pink

“Of course I will, but what did you need to go get earlier than meant you were late?” 

“Oh,” he wriggled to grab a small packet from his pocket “I was going to confess to you tonight and I bought you this” 

Handing you the packet you open it to find a dainty necklace 

Silver with a small heart pendant on it 

“Eric this is so cute but you didn’t have to buy me something to confess to me” you blush, heart feeling so full it could burst 

“I know but I thought it would help” his smile is so bright and warm

He helps you put on the necklace and the night ends with you falling asleep cuddled into his arms admiring the view 

[deltaengineering]

Winter Anime 2019 Part 4: That’s all, folks.

Over already? This is a pretty thin season with not a lot of shows, so it’s not that surprising that there’s not many good ones either. Still, a weak showing. Oh well, let’s get it over with. There were a few decent ones in the last batch.

Circlet Princess

What: Dimwitted schoolgirl is good at some vaguely defined virtual fighting sport, changes school based on it, finds out relevant club has been abolished. Forecast says: 5 member plot incoming.

❌ I think it’s already clear this show isn’t very ambitious, and not very well written either. A game adaptation at its laziest.

❌❌ Man, this girl is STUPID. What the hell.

❌ The rest of the cast are less stupid (which isn’t hard), but that just means they’re so forgettable they might as well not exist.

❌❌ It looks cheap, and by that I mean really really cheap. The character design is ISO standard anime and it’s mostly on model, but that’s as good as it gets. The animation just sucks. That’s a death sentence for an action/sports show with terrible characters.

Bermuda Triangle - Colorful Pastrale

What: Japanese Spongebob, as in cute mermaids. Doing things optional.

❌ To make this quick, this is almost exactly Pastel Memories, only every problem is just a little less extreme. It has fewer characters, it’s looking slightly better, there’s a tiny bit more going on, the setting is mildly more interesting. That still means it is:

❌❌ 1. A boring mess in which a handful of samey girls do nothing of much interest in a location that should be unique, but isn’t.

❌❌ 2. Conspicuously cheap. It even has the same sightline problems.

❌❌ 3. Featuring a character model sheet that is “off” even under the best circumstances. This time due to the very offputting decision to give everyone blobby triangular irises.

❌❌ Unlike Pastel Memories (which was an ad for a mobile game) this is an anime original, so it really has no excuse being this lame.

♎ I find it amusing that Pastel Palettes are providing the OP for an anime, and it’s not the one currently airing that they’re actually characters in.

Endro~!

What: Kiraralike comedy thing in a generic JRPG setting.

♎ Namori character designs, so it’s like Spyce in that it just seems like the Yuru Yuri cast cosplaying a genre. But hey, Namori character designs do look good.

❌ I’m not as done with generic JRPG settings as with generic isekai settings, but it’s still a real problem since the former is now a subset of the latter. Mildly making fun of it does not improve things much either.

✅ The tone is cutesy and pleasant. I find this much preferable to something like Mahoujin Guru Guru, which is pretty much the same thing but with abrasive, high-intensity slapstick instead.

✅ It’s backing that up with generally high-quality, agreeable pastel looks.

❌ Not being annoying is a start, but beyond that this seems very middle of the road and predictable. I don’t get much out of the genre “parody” and simply being cute is still not an unique selling point in anime.

Grimms Notes The Animation

What: Did someone say JRPG? This is a mobile one, vaguely based on fairy tales as the title implies.

✅ This universe runs on the idea that every NPC’s fate is controlled by a preset story they’re aware of. You could make a good story about that if you took it seriously. It even does that somewhat, but only to the degree that you’d expect from a throwaway sidequest in a moderately well-written JRPG.

❌ And the reason for that is that it has to make room for being a JRPG, of course. Read: It’s irritatingly mechanics- and combat-focused. Stuff like the characters changing form when in fights just seems overly complicated and adds nothing.

❌ Said combat looks competent, but not good enough to make up for detracting from what could have been an interesting setting. Merc Storia did this aspect far better (by usually not doing it at all).

❌ So it ends up being better than expected, but then that only amounts to a disappointment.

Kaguya-sama wa Kokurasetai / Kaguya-sama: Love Is War

What: Kaguya and Miyuki are in the student council of a prestigious school and HATE HATE HATE each other. Specifically, they hate the part where the other one won’t just finally admit their love.

✅ The joke here is that it’s operating on full intensity at all times, over the most simple matters. It’s pretty much Kaiji, only about dating - complete with hammy narrator. This is another one of those shows where I can’t say with certainty that it’s solid, but I had a blast during the first episode.

✅ Regarding Quintuplets, I made it clear that I love me some sparks in my romantic comedies. It doesn’t get much more explosive than this.

✅ The characters are comparable to Quints too: Smart scheming upstart vs. rich scheming ojou, with a simpleminded girl in the middle that ends up winning more often than not simply by not overdoing it.

✅ The visuals are just as over the top as the proceedings depicted. Occasionally a filter massacre, but mostly cool.

♎ The long-term viability of this show depend entirely on whether they can consistently come up with scenarios that work, which isn’t a given. Also, this is so intense it might become tiresome - I already felt some fatigue towards the end of the first episode. We’ll see, I guess.

Kakegurui ××

What: Some weirdos think they can crash the party at Hyakkaou with an intent to scare the daylights out of Yumeko and Midari, of all people. Let’s just say they were not as prepared as they thought.

✅ As you might have guessed by me watching the sequel, I liked Kakegurui. It has its problems, but if you’re down for some crazypants madness, this show delivers.

✅ This is one of the better episodes of it too, because it gets right into it and the game they play is dead simple. Kakegurui was never about smart moves or strong characters, so not having anything detract from our girls deriving the entirely wrong sort of pleasure from danger is a plus.

♎ Sadly, the OP is a step down (though still great) and the ED is simply an inferior, overcomplicated version of the magnificent original one. They seem to know this too, because they play the OP cut of Deal with the Devil in its entirety for a montage. The rest of the production is on par with the original though, so it’s fiiiine. Oh well.

❌ It got Netflix’d again and the subs situation is dire. Since this is one I actually like, I might have to wait for the official release.

Kouya no Kotobuki Hikoutai / The Magnificent Kotobuki

What: Piston-engined fighter plane pornography.

✅ This delivers where Girly Air Force failed: Close to zero exposition, the majority of the episode is just planes dogfighting with barely any talking either. And that part is executed really well. I think the plane startup sequence alone is as long as the total of Girly’s airtime.

✅ Guess what, it’s Tsutomu Mizushima, previously known for unbridled panzer (und girls) pornography, and boy can you tell. However, this cuts out a lot of GuP’s bullshit: A plane doesn’t have the cast of K-ON in it, it’s not over-the-top zany, and whatever this universe is, it can’t be as insipid as GuP’s. The classy milwank exists you guys, we found it.

✅✅ The music really helps here, sky pirates vs zeppelins just wouldn’t work without some classic swashbuckling orchestra background. Fat sound mixing on the dakka too. It’s great.

♎ Can’t really say much about the narrative because we kinda skipped that in this episode aside from the obvious, but Mizushima’s Shirobako collaborator Michiko Yokote is writing it, and that’s a good sign.

❌ Now we’re getting to the elephant in the room though: There’s no way the planes wouldn’t be CG in 2019, but the characters are CG too, and their animation is mediocre. Also, they did the KADO thing where they 2D-animated the side characters that aren’t important enough to model. This has the funny side effect that you can tell who’s going to die real soon by them looking better. It’s far from great, but probably a worthy tradeoff if the mechanical side is this extensive and also delivers.

✅ This is definitely not for everyone, since you have to have more than a casual appreciation for those magnificent girls in their flying machines. I do, though.

revisions

What: A chunk of Shibuya gets teleported to the dystopian future, local doomsday prepper gets handed a large robot because he’s special.

❌ A Goro Taniguchi joint being a poorly conceived scifi mess? Say it ain’t so! I especially dig the tryhard English jargon (mecha: “String Puppet”, monsters faction: “Revisions”, particular monster, I think?: “Civilian”, tacticool operetah: “Balancer”).

❌ Works very hard to characterize the main character, to the detriment of everyone else. A for effort, but you made an unlikeable asshole though.

❌ This is another full CG show, with the quality of the animation being curiously variable. Sometimes it’s well above average and sometimes it’s painful. There doesn’t seem to be much method to it.

✅ Tries to establish stakes by being mondo edgy and graphically murderizing some poor bystanders. It’s adorable.

❌ If you’re really jonesing for some mecha, you can watch all of this on Netflix right now. It’s not like you have any alte- wait, Egao no Daika has mecha too. Well there you go then. That’s a better show.

[cloudbattrolls]

Coward Mont Blanc

Maidel Juzuxt | Present Night | Derevnya | Octavian Musical Arts Studios

Everyone calls it OMAS, or Oh, Masterfully Aimed, Shithead if they’re not fond of Treble. Even if they’re on the list of people who won’t kick him out of a room after ten minutes, they might still toss it off, teasing, but with an edge of bile.

It’s one of the reasons you get along with him, despite how different the two of you are. 

“So!” He says, plucking at his suspenders. “What’s got you in such a sulk, Maidel-girl? Or is it boy today.”

You’re in one of the studio’s dance rooms, one that’s empty at the moment since the next class won’t be for hours. Mirrors cover its walls, and overhead glowworm lamps dot the ceiling, giving off light even as they’re in stasis. Treble can feed, wake, and rearrange them at his will if needed for a choreography practice, as well as brighten them with the right formula. 

Right now they’re giving off a low yellowish glow as they sleep, clinging to the gray ceiling. It bathes your face in a sickly cast, or maybe that’s just your mood as you stare into one of the mirrors, clad in a suit that you look absolutely horrible in.

“Boy.” You say, but there’s not much spirit in it. Gender isn’t very important right now; it’s part of your bigger problem, but only in a small way. 

Sometimes you think it’d be easier if you just had no chest to worry about, and certainly sometimes you hate having to leave off your binder or worry about damage, the kind your psi can’t really repair fully. 

Other times you think rumblespheres at least give people something other to look at than your face or stomach. Not that they’re impressive, but at least it’s something. 

“What’s got you so down in the dumps, Maidel-boy? You nervous? Don’t be nervous, my cool cat! This joint will love you.”

That gets a small snort out of you, mostly because of Treble’s ridiculous speaking manner. It’s been perigees and you still don’t believe he can naturally talk that way, no matter how much he swears up and down he was hatched with it.

You turn a little, looking at yourself from another angle in the mirror, your hair pulled back into a ponytail so everyone can see your face. Great. You put a finger to one cheek, but lightly, to not ruin the makeup covering your freckles.

Treble leans in slightly, his eyebrows raised and ears flicking slightly. His aren’t nearly as mobile as yours, but you know what he’s thinking.

“I look better this way.” You say. “A little. Don’t try to tell me freckles are cute again, I’m not buying it.”

Not much you can do about your face in general. Your hair is okay. then there’s your body.

You’ve always been on the heavier side, and maybe that wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t look so stupid on you.

Highbloods being big fits them like a shell on a scuttlebeast. They have the tusks, the intimidation, the big sharp horns to go with it. Their fat doesn’t look like weakness; it only makes them look stronger, heartier, able to dominate.

You’ve been mistaken for blue twice, when you were wearing heavy clothing and goggles against the steam and snow. You were alarmed, then flattered, then a little depressed. 

Treble just clicks his tongue and shakes his head like you’re a silly, mildly disobedient lusus. “Maidel, Maidel, Maidel. Even if you don’t like them, doesn’t mean not a single troll in that joint won’t! You got to be honest about who you are! That’s the only way to make your brand.”

It takes a force of effort to not remind Treble that just because he keeps showing off who he is to the whole world, (despite getting laughed at and kicked out of multiple places) it doesn’t mean you want to go through the same.

That’d be cruel; Treble’s odd, but he’s been kind to you, and it’s hard to hate a troll who isn’t any more good looking than you but so much braver.

Even if sometimes you wish you could. 

“I don’t need a brand.” You mutter. “I just want to sing.”

When you’re finally on the stage, finally manage to forget where you and who you are and what you look like, that makes it all worth it. When you sing, you’re somewhere else, someone else. People have actually clapped for you before, and it wasn’t all just polite applause.

Treble loves to babble about how you could be the next big thing. All you want is to keep feeling that way for the rest of your life, even for little bits at a time. It’s enough.

He pauses, perhaps aware of the usual argument and realizing you don’t want to hear it. He almost chews on his claws, raising two to his mouth but he’s been trying to stop lately and drops them. 

“Maidel.” He says, gentle, which makes the hairs on the back of your neck prick up. “Singing aside, you really want to have this sort of bad juju brewing in you the rest of your natural life, my man?” 

“It doesn’t matter.” You say, trying to be dismissive, but dismissive from you sounds about as believable as a honk from a limeblood and Treble’s face is understandably if irritatingly skeptical. 

“‘Course it matters! You telling me you’re okay just going ‘aw, nuts, I hate how I look’ for all your sweeps? You gotta change yourself, or - ”

“ - change your bulbs, yes.” You sound a bit more testy than you’d like, but he’s told you this about ten times before.

“I tried to diet and exercise for a whole perigee, Treble. Aside from making me miserable, it barely did anything. I lost three pounds. Three pounds in that whole time! I don’t know what’s wrong with my stupid, garbage, messed up - ”

“Whoa! You really want to hate yourself that bad, man?”

You realize you’re breathing hard, eyes wide and - in the mirror - you see a hint of orange in them. 

Groaning, you cover your face with a soft palm, dragging your fingers through your curls.

“Olives are supposed to be lithe and muscular. Or else average looking, since everybody likes to say we’re the most boring caste.” You say, bitter. “Even being average like you would be better. Nobody thinks you’re ugly. They just think you’re normal.”

Maybe that’s rude, but you don’t care right now.

Treble plucks at his tie thoughtfully, but you can see a trace of pain in his eyes that wrenches your digestion sac. You’ll apologize to him later.

“Do people really tell you you’re ugly, Maidel-boy?” He says, curious. 

You snort. In a way, that’d almost be better.

“Hardly ever.” You admit, and he opens his mouth but you wave a finger and press on. “They don’t have to! They don’t even notice me, good or bad, compared to everyone else I know. They’re all pretty. None of them would ever consider a troll like me to be an option in any quadrant.”

You sound pathetic, even to yourself. It’s not like you expect the trolls you know to date you, or that you’d particularly want to date them in the first place. 

It’s how you’ve seen Riccin flirt, seen Pheres flirt, seen them have quadrants. Have people interested in them. Seen them know they’re beautiful, that they can get trolls just by being themselves.

Must be nice.

“So...what brought all this up from its deep dark spot, huh?”

You look at him blankly.

“Usually you’re a little down in the dumps, but not fit to yowl about it.”

You flush slightly. You guess you did raise your voice more than you meant to. 

“I’m sorry.” You say, throat tight. You shouldn’t even be talking to Treble about this. He has a moirail, a teal who works at one of the universities. You have no idea why he takes so much time with you to start with.

Especially if this is how you treat him.

You’d rather dive out the window than answer, but you owe him that much.

“I have an ash crush.” You admit, and it feels like a dirty word, a curse. Maybe it is. You have to be cursed if you’re stupid enough to have feelings for Riccin, who’s practically a clown, and who’s never cared about you.

Maybe it’s some messed up form of self-harm.

Treble looks puzzled, and for good reason.

“So why’re you all torn up about how you look?” 

Ash isn’t about that, is the clear implication. You almost laugh. If only he knew.

“Riccin wants pretty trolls in every quadrant.” You say, staring into the mirror at the disappointing image with a suit on a too-round figure. “Their kismesis and their ex ash are both little, skinny trolls, with pretty faces. And they’re close with Pheres, and he’s the same.”

Then there’s you, who’s as heavy as any two of them, not to mention that they think you’re dull as ditchwater. Even if you wanted to pursue this - if you were so blindingly stupid - how could you prove them wrong? You’d wear yourself out trying.

Not to mention that Vide would probably cull you. She seems like she’s still interested in them, and for all you know they might still be interested in her too. Riccin doesn’t give up easily.

“I think you’re feeling a bit too sorry for yourself, Maidel-boy.”

You glare at him, then sigh. He chuckles.

“So you got a hopeless crush. Happens to us all. Why let it mess your groove up so much, man? If there’s no worth wondering if you can, put your bulbs into what you are good at! Which is: belting out the tunes and making us both a little cash, hm?”

You snort. With Treble it all comes back to money or fame. Given how hard he works for it, you can’t blame him too much. The chances of an olive making it big - or even being an agent for anyone who does - are minimal. Somehow he still tries, still teaches and manages and performs, no matter who mocks him, no matter how many times he gets chased off.

“Okay.” You say. “Let’s go.”

[tumblunni]

Oh fuck i cant stand this

Ive already almost used up my damn mobile data again and i only bought it yesterday. Fuck i want to go home. You guys are like the only comfort i have here and i dunno what im gonna do when i cant message you again

Fuckin hell stupid shit day! I was supposed to go to a therapy class thing today but the stupid bus went past where my abusive father lives and i had a MASSIVE FREAKOUT and had to go home and then ofcourse to go home you have to go back on the stupid same bus!! I fuckib failed and wasted the doctor's time and he had to grab me to stop me from running off the bus crying and back to fuckin hell dad's house because im shit and i deserve everything he ever did to me

AND THEN fuckin same doctor continues the relentless constant tide of everyone misgendering me and making crass transphobic jokes

"You see you've gotta understand the other opinion" he says, as if trans people werent fuckin raised SURROUNDED by cis people's predjudiced opinion of us and taught it was fact. As if it didnt take me SO MUCH WORK to even become confident enough to stand up for myself! I've gotta see the 'other opinion' that "yknow well families and children use public bathrooms and theyre scared trans people will molest their children so its understandable they want to kick you out or even act violent to you". Yknow the OTHER OPINION that MY OPINION DOESNT MATTER and also MY ENTIRE EXISTANCE IS A CRIME but i'm the one being predjudiced for not accepting that OPINION, right?! Im here trying to tell him that no that isnt rational because there have been LITERALLY NO RECORDED CASES of trans people molesting children in public bathrooms, or even "evil men faking being trans" to do the same thing. There's been more cases of actual cis men breaking into women's bathrooms to drag women out for merely LOOKING trans. More cis women have been harassed because of anti trans laws than they ever did before! But hey "respect that other opinion", right? And also "at least its not as bad as russia" and "but gay pride is everywhere now, that one footballer had rainbow shoelaces." Hey wow i never noticed that not only was homophobia totally over but also transphobia was remotely related to that! Wow! I seriously had to bring out the fuckin 1600s historical investigation on pre-british olde englishe that showed the existance of a gender neutral pronoun before the word "he" ever existed, and the existance of transgender pride and pronoun discussions in the 1800s before the word transgender was even popularized. I cant believe i fuckin had to do a 'show your sources that queer people existed before the internet' IN REAL LIFE. WITH A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I can point at the damn NHS website but nooooo!

Oh and yknow what got me the most? YKNOW WHAT GOT ME THE MOST?? "We have sick people here, you cant expect them to remember stuff like that. Dont ruin their recovery by bringing up stuff like that." Like..fuckin..IM A FUCKIN PATIENT TOO. I wasnt even asking the other patients to stop hurting me i was asking you the staff to maybe consider it! And seriously you want me to be so super ultra perpetually prepared and perpetually rational and able to keep my existance secret and out of every conversation yet theyre too ill to learn about lgbt people existing? Just a sentence would be too painful? And me living every day being misgendered doesnt impact my ability to recover at all, eh? Fuckin shitting fuck hell.

And i hate it i HATE IT because he's being nice so i'll be the bad guy if i complain. Likehe fuckin..doesnt even know he's being rude and doesnt want to consider the idea. He says 'i dont like your tone' if i suggest the concept and FUCK in that moment i was so fuckin scared he was gonna hit me like my dad did. Or at tge very least kick me out of the hospital if i dont cooperate with him. He just fuckin..thinks he's perfectly unbiased and accepts everyone and "oh but i like to make fun of everyone equally". And i even fuckin raised the subject that people who say that often only make fun of minorities and never themselves, the majority, or major power structures. And he's just like 'yeah yeh i hate people like that'. Whoosh. Rigjt over the head. God i wasnt even TRYING to be passive aggressive i was trying tk outright tell him why what he said was upsetting me but NOPE. Trying to explain how its just so hard and tiring to have to verrrrrry patientlyyyyy explain yourself to EVERYONE EVERY DAY CONSTANTLY while they sling loads of rude words at you and it should be just allowed because they 'dont know better'. Like you ask me to educate you but at the same time im rude if i actually tell you?? And god i also tried to explain how the fuckin bathroom violence thing isnt an example of 'educating another opinion' AGAIN by saying like... If someone just asked me to explain being transgender i would. If someone just said they were uncomfortable i would leave. That's 'another opinion'. Reacting with slurs and violence to a trans person existing and not doing anything to you is not 'another opinion' and its not someone who 'just didnt know'. He was seriously trying to argue that it WASNT BIGOTED it was just someone rationally being afraid for their children because of a danger that doesnt exist, and rationally reacting with extreme violence rather than doing anything else. Rationally. RATIONALLY. oh just MISTAKENLY committing a hate crime! Cos they just didnt know trans people exist! Not cos they hate us! Oh no! Yeah sure we totally have a fucking DUTY to educate these POOR UNKNOWING PEOPLE while theyre attacking us, and its our damn fault if we didnt...

And just fucking FUCK i hate how someone can say all that stuff and still be "nice" and still not hate me personally? Like its so messed up?? He's not anti trans or anything he just has so much more damn sympathy for cis people than trans people, and puts all the onus on us to somehow prevent our own murders. And he thinks that "i dont have a problem with trans people" means doing LITERALLY NOTHING to change your behaviour to make trans people feel accepted. They should just magically know that your jokes are jokes when theyre surrounded by so many people saying it honestly, in CONSTANT FEAR OF THAT EXACT THING LEADING TO VIOLENCE. And like in order to be "a guy who has no problem with trans people" he has to do nothing, while in order for me to be not bigoted against HIM it means i have to never get offended by his jokes and also never talk about myself and also constantly educate him about things because he doesnt want to learn, even though he works in a hospital thats supposed to have an anti discrimination policy. Like fuckin just NOT HURTING LGBT PEOPLE doesnt make you discrimination free, shit like telling me to misgender myself because my pronouns would confuse the other patients is kinda fuckin fucked up. Also "that's a question for later" is all i CONSTANTLY get when it comes to talking about legal name changes or therapy or even just talking to an lgbt support group. I have to wait until i stop being depressed because oh no im talking about too many mental illnesses at once. Its been seven years and i havent fuckin stopped being depressed, bitch! Ever consider a fuckin symptom of gender dysphoria is a big ol fat depression!!! And just gahhhhh he was so fuckin baffled and angry that i would dare to get emotional about the subject?? Like he just saw DEBATING WHETHER TRANS PEOPLE ARE REAL and WHETHER PEOPLE WHO MURDER THEM FOR USING THE BATHROOM ARE JUSTIFIED as a perfectly normal casual discussion that a Non Transphobic Man could have with his transgender friend. Why oh why would i cry about this casual hypothetical discussion? Hey its not like it fuckin affects me directly! "Well its never happened to you right?" A Ha Ha Ha Ha. Also fuckin "so which bathroom do you use?" and "well you're not really transgender if youre not getting the surgery-oh wait you do want the surgery? How does that work then?" I swear i could just see the gears turning in his head and he was about to say "do you want both down there". Gahhhhhh *cringes myself into a tiny tumbleweed and blows away*

Also the entire time he kept calling being trans a sexuality and also asexuality. "No youre not trans youre asexual right?" Yeah sure ive just been saying im trans and saying im not a girl and wearing a chest binder and talking this entire conversation about my experiences as a trans person in public bathrooms just to pull an elaborate prank on you. And like i know what he meant is that he thought the word for nonbinary was asexual (has asexuality REALLY made so little progress towards getting into the sex ed curriculum in the entire 25 years of my life?) But like seriously he was like "youre not really trans if youre nonbinary". And then fuck dude i dont wanna explain how surgery works to you!! And especially not also my entirely unrelated sexuality that has entirely different equally upsetting predjudices!

Ans gahhhh fuck i just got no sympathy for crying and he acted as if it was just some wildly unexpected occurance he never could have predicted. And i hate it cos he's nice to me whenever the subject is about anything else. I cant get any symoathey from ANYONE because he's A NICE GUY and why dont i just understaaaaaand other opinionnnnnns

I wanted to fuckin quit this whole thing on the spot and go home. Only reason i cant is because my support worker is off work until thursday auauauaughhh

Fuck at least one positive i guess is that ive made progress in the social anxiety or at least gotten better at giving the impression im making progress. Cos i want to LEAVE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. And also fuck all my other worries seem less suicide-inducing when im actually getting the closest ive ever been to killing myself on a daily basis because of a stupid other thing that i never could have predicted. Go here for one form of self hate, come home with another! Yayyyyy

And fuck i havent even made a single bit of progress on drawing or writing anything and i cant practise making ganes cos my laptop cant run rpgmaker and i havent even started reading my giant pile of books cos they fuckin LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW EVERY SINGLE HOUR TO MAKE SURE YOU AINT KILLED YOURSELF. i have no fuckin pribacy and its making me wanna kill myself even more!! I just live constantly on edge looking at the fuckin door window and i cant even do anything to distract myself because im too scared of them looking at me!! Or barging in at no notice to tell me i have to do some big stressful thing RIGHT NOW because i dont even get advance notice of anything aaaa! And fuck i dont have anywhere to go to even calm down from a panic attack cos i have no privacy so at least im getting over being scared of going outside cos outside is the only place i can go to cry. Fuckin strangers in the crowd at least wont cause shit if they see me.

Fuck i want to go home. Fuck i wish i had enough money to keep buying mobile internet. Its like fuckin 750mb a day to run tumblr but its all ive got to talk to any person who doesnt hate me or patronize me or think im faking a bunch of shit or whatever the fuck. And im not even any fun to be around when im like this so im probably just ruining your day too. And im probably gonna vanish again soon and then just go back to crying alone and getting worse and probably never being able to leave

I knew it was gonna be stressdul but i didnt predict any of this.. I just wanna fuckin die. I wanted to jump out the car and go to my old dad's house and have him pull open the door and slap me around a bit. Like call me a fucking dyke, call me a sick retard, be honest about your feelings! I'd fuckin take being abused over this "oh youre the bad one for being mad because i had goooood intentions" reverse psychology bigotry from hell. Either these people are evil geniuses or theyre even more stupid like me. Fuckin shit dad please manifest in my room and slap me, killing me instantly. I feel like being scared of you would at least be a faster emotion than this nebulous sensation of confusing unease and dysphoria 24/7 for 6 fuckin months. One week done, haha! Hahahabahahahahahahahahahahahahshahahahahahshshshahshahahahhahahaaaa

[prettypunksage]

I started watching Insatiable as a guilty pleasure after hearing all sorts of contradicting shit about it, and while it IS problematic in the way in presents certain ideas (however NOT in how it presents drastic weight loss imo, as someone currently experiencing that identity shift i think theyre handling it rather accurately, if not a tad dramatically. But its a soap opera so idk what you expected) it is a surprisingly woke show.

Like yes if you reduce the show down to a single sentence it sounds problematic.

"Girl looses 70 pounds and wants revenge for being mistreated" of course that seems 2D.

BUT thats NOT the show. A much more accurate description is:

"Young girl is assaulted because of her weight and implied value because of it and is hospitalized with her jaw wired shut. Realizing that people now treat her differently upon leaving the hospital and losing weight, despite her feeling like the exact same person is hard for her, and the one person who understands is a pagent coach that helps her cope. However Skinny ISNT magic, and now instead of people hating her for being overweight, people hate her for being skinny, and now she has to cope with an entire version of her life she didnt know existed. She never realized how looks affect EVERYONE"

(Mild spoilers)

Important heartwarming moments include

- Patty meeting someone who is bigger than she was and extremely confident and self assured. When she tries to bond with her the girl shuts her down because "skinny doesnt mean shit if your ugly on the inside". Patty had said something implying that because she was skinny it was "her turn" to be happy. The girl reminds her happiness doesnt have a size cap. (You can tell Pattys never heard this before)

-Pattys best friend finding out she was gay by talking a girl from the LGBTQA center because Pattys love interest volunteers there, and having a really healthy self discovery dialogue that was focused 100% on the internal discovery and not the fear of consequences or how it affects their life, because her friends and family love and support her (let gays be happy 2018)

- That same episode Patty having a panic attack in the rest room at a Bikini Event for pagent stuff shes hosting, because she doesnt want to wear a bikini because even skinny she feels "not beautiful enough" and thinks she should just hide her body until its perfect. She starts talking to another woman in the restroom whose also having a hard time walking out in a bikini. Patty mentions constantly looking in the mirror and seeing Fat. The other women mentions shes trans, and that she feels the same way. Except no matter how feminine she is, she still looks in the mirror and sees boy. "I just want to wake up one day and feel woman enough". She and Patty then stride out in bikinis together, which lasts all of a minute before Patty honestly says "ok im actually a little uncomfortable" and then the other woman goes "oh my god. Me too. Baby steps" and they wrap up a little in their shawls laughing with each other , BUT walk around with more body confidence the rest of the episode.

Anyway, i think this show did too good of a job pretending to be like a "Fat girl Slims down for revenge" type of show for advertising because its genuinely a "Self Love comes in all forms, Emotional, Physical and avoiding toxic relationships" kind of show.

Im only 6 episodes in, but no triggers that im aware of except they mention overeating BEING a trigger, and they have honest mental health dialogues that are never too heavy.

[gghero]

🔥 pokemon and SU

OKAY THIS IS LONG. WAY LONGER THAN I EXPECTED. MORE THAN AN UNPOPULAR OPINION POST, IT TURNED INTO AN ALL-OUT OPINION POST

putting it under a cut; the pkm one is way longer and more detailed, SU is a plain ol unpopular opinion post and shorter so im putting it first.

SU:

honestly, i’ll be the first to say that the show is not perfect, that the characters cant stay on model (its still not enough to bother me or ruin everything because, cmon, im getting to watch the show for free) that the crew have made mistakes, that certain characters deserve better/worse, that certain lessons felt out of place, and all that jazz.

but hey, its not the worst thing to ever happen. i found SU while it was at its peak (late season 1 - early season 2, the best SU has ever been IMO) and even though im trying to not interact with the fandom anymore because of some toxic stuff that happened, i find myself enjoying the storyline, the worldbuilding is great and everything about the art style that is not proportions (backgrounds, palettes, character design) is arguably some of the best in current animation.

my beef with the fandom and most critical blogs is that the discourse sounds like the same stuff over and over and the general attitude is very snarky and condescending. my rule of thumb is that if youre going to critique something, you have to also give your ideas on what you would do in their place. i also felt talked down to everytime i interacted with them, and most people dont even know how to discuss things so any valid points they might bring up didnt phase me after rolling my eyes at their behavior. they also tend to treat their opinions as the objective truth - or only reblog from their fellow critic blog friends.

pokémon:

oh, pokémon. one of my most beloved video game franchises of all times. yet theyre not exempt from criticism. of course, none of what im about to say ruins the experience for me (otherwise, i wouldnt still play the games and making fanarts, DUH) 

the games. first of all i have to say that theyre incredibly engaging. i find myself caught up in the hype before a big reveal, preordering and picking up the new game as soon as it comes out, and then playing non-stop until im satisfied with it... and usually thats it. yeah. one of my biggest complaints about pokemon is how replayable the games COULD be, if only gamefreak did the simplest thing of just adding more save slots. of course, ive ended up deleting old save files in order to replay a game, and thanks to pokebank i can keep my babies, but cmon. all the items you collected, the complete pokedex, how far you went in the battle chateau/battle tree/etc... its all lost forever. the game would also be infinitely more replayable if the post game were more extensive (rather than being like “here, go to the battle building of this generation and battle”). i think implementing side quests or achievement unlocking that gives you in-game perks would add so much.

ALSO GAMEFREAK please stop adding and changing and removing features that we like every single generation!!!! i was not bothered by character customization being removed in ORAS because i understand its a remake and they wanted to keep something similar to the original designs of may/brendan but!!!!! The PSS was GREAT, but you replace it with festival plaza that was... not great!!! you take away pokemon amie, which allowed more experienced players to farm hearts very fast via the minigames!!! you took away the super training!!!!! it makes it look like they dont know what theyre doing, and i understand that they want to shake things up, but i stg if we dont get ride pokemon in gen 8 and instead we are back to HMs, im gonna scream.

my next complaint is how... small the games feel. im not asking for an open world yet (short answer; yes i believe its doable) but the amount of hand holding and tutorials in the last games bothers me, not to mention how limited the exploring feels when compared with older games? dont get me wrong, the gym/trials system is not bad per se - its mostly the map, its soo so so tiny and easy to navigate. i feel like they could look at earlier zelda and mario games and do something similar; an exploration mechanic like twilight princess’s would work so well. you have huge areas to explore while keeping it closed-world, and i never found myself getting tired of roaming around hyrule. in comparison, routes in pokemon feel very small, towns especially are SO tiny, and pokemon is a franchise that would REALLY benefit from the sense of adventure that non-linear larger maps offer.

next is the art direction. im definitely not a genwunner; i think some pokémon designs are good, others are not as good, but i dont have a huge bias towards, say, kanto (kanto’s good designs are good, but kanto’s bad designs are the worst, if it makes sense?) if i had to choose, i’d say gen 2, 3 and 4 are the ones that better represent what i want pokemon to look like in general, but that might be because i love monster-like pokemon like ampharos, swampert, garchomp - huge and bulky-looking pokemon - rather than pokemon that look too much like regular animals or inanimate objects. 

human character design is also good. they have been doing great in terms of racial diversity lately, but i do wish there were more “not-paper-thin skinny” characters (especially women) (and the ones that are fat/obese dont look suspiciously more cartoony/comic relief-y than the main characters); and older characters as well, specially women. 

i think my fave art direction is from black/white (1 and 2), the stylisation, clothes design and especially color palettes were gorgeous. i like a lot how the eyes and highlights/shading looked in black/white (1 and 2) - i think it was Take who did most of the art, instead of Sugimori and Ohmura.

(im sorry but im feeling the top image squad look much more)

my biggest complaint about pokemon’s art direction is that the 3D simply doesnt look its best as of now. im not a fan of the pixel-y black outline all models have, the colors of most pokemon in their 3D models look so washed down in general, and the backgrounds really suffer from this. i must say that changing the angle from a zenit POV to a third person camera in sun/moon was a step in the good direction, you get to see further in the distance and feel like the world is immersive. 

the color palettes for backgrounds could be better too, they have definitely taken a step in the wrong direction and went from this:

(pretty, muted but not extremely pastel or washed down; nice colors, those greens and browns are gorgeous - and yeah sorry about the bottom pic having a slight filter on, but cmon, its not like base game looks much different, remember?)

to this:

(aggressive colors, dont give me a sense of harmony, that extremely orange dirt and sky and almost neon green grass make my head hurt)

i have to say i preferred how the pixel-y, half 2d half 3d style of gen 4 and 5 looked, imo its the best pokemon has ever looked, but they clearly dont have the technology to make breathtaking, fully 3D games yet. i’d say its a necessary evil though so im hopeful for the future. and no, i dont want hyperrealistic textures or pokemon designs either (pokken style is so detailed it feels a little uncanny valley at times, specially with less realistic pokemon like gengar or gardevoir). ideally, pokemon will look like breath of the wild’s 3D character models, with that watercolor-ish style, the cell shading and the vibrant vivid colors. AND NO OUTLINES PLEASE.

finally the last point about the games is the storylines. I generally like pokémon storylines. they’re very good when you are caught up in the action, specially as of late, theyre adding cutscenes and dialogue-heavy scenes that dont feel out of place. but i cant bring myself to LOVE THEM as much as i love other videogame storylines. they still feel a little basic (this is not a problem because of the game’s formulaic nature, mind you) and while they havent shied away from more mature elements in the past, the overall tone is a little immature at times with a big huge plot heavy climax thrown in, and thats it. (and before you tell me pokemon is for kids: i know, but other shows and games for kids dont fall in the same plain secondary characters rut as pokemon does.) i would love for the Main character to have some sort of agency too because i feel like im following what other characters decide for me (at least give me dialogue options that, you know, DONT YIELD THE SAME DIALOGUE NO MATTER WHICH YOU CHOOSE).

thats about all i have to say about the games themselves. not gonna talk about anime or manga bc im not really into those

as for the fandom... its generally chill. its huge, but its divided in so many sub-groups that you never feel overwhelmed. the competitive community might be more toxic ive heard, but im more into the plot and characters anyways.

i do have to call out the huge p///edophilia problem there is. being a franchise most people grew up with, characters like idk, misty, may, dawn (its girls more often than not) were older or the same age as most of the older fans were back in the day. as a result, they have obsessed with their image since they were kids, and this obsession has continued now that theyre grown ass people, and they have no problem consuming and producing huuuge amounts of porn for these characters. as for the latest games, these disgusting people have even less excuse (not that they ever had) there’s tons of CP and adult x minor ships out there, and its allowed to thrive more often than not because of the sheer size of the fandom, too.

PHEW.

[sheencko]

mr. moreau

an unfinished scrap of a novel i am not sure ill continue

i can see it its a diamond with the crossroads its white borders from my cracked window up here

i ‘ave to get that fixed)—  just below the fog (the fog is low today)

—and its on top of the street that was just painted

oh yesterday or maybe the day before that

or something,

i think

black as my genevieve’s ‘air

two bodies crisscrossed atop of each other and splattered like paint on a black canvas, a pollack of angry reds and i cant see their face cause theyve been ravaged by the hard concrete and im so high up looking down like a dreamer into a field of rye and i shudder because oh, how painful is that but i also suppose,

when youre fallin i guess you only feel the woosh of the wind under you and maybe your soul leaves your body before your body breaks into a million teeny tiny pieces and everything inside you that youve ever dreamed flows out of you like a bucket tipping over onto a tile floor—maybe

maybe its a perpetual fear and youre trapped inside a perpetual cycle of mind numbing terror because youre falling to your doom and you regret that your feet left the edge in the first place and maybe, maybe you shoulda called your mom and then told her that you loved her one last time or apologized to the man that you bumped into while you were hurrying home yesterday and the tears are flying from your face ‘cause you can see them surrounding your grave wearin nothing but black and your father is silent but a kind of silent youve never seen before and in that second you can just SEE him taking the same path you are and then

maybe the fear grips your limbs like god coming down and punishing you but all you feel is a childish sort of aversion an “i dont wanna” cause you dont wanna—you dont wanna die cause you have so so much to live for and youre cryin to some big fat man up in the sky but whats he gonna do? he cant stop you

but i wouldn’ know but i took the elevator and went down to look at the scene anyway cause we’re all drawn to the misfortune of others anyway like nothing more than moths having an orgy on a blue flame

mr. steinway was next to me in the elevator; he lived on the 13th floor and i on the 12th i saw him smoking up on the roof sometimes. he was a gentleman by any other name, except the part where his wife left him cause hed been caught with a particularly young mistress but i suppose that didnt matter because he played ravel’s jeux d’eau like no one else in the world could and maybe he played her body like that homonymous six figure grand he has, who knows

his face was wrinkled and ugly but the melodies he played were smooth and beautiful so who cared about his damn visage i guess

“oh, mister moreau,” and for that matter, his voice wasnt particularly musical either

“steinway, are you heading down to see what happened?”

“arent we all,” he chuckled like the deaths were a funny little joke he had made up,

“i think i’ll stop by the grocery store”

“is that so?” he spoke like a conductor introducing a symphony to an ignorant audience and he was just trying to find a way to relive his days of performing inside carnegie hall’s stern auditorium because all he performed in now was his empty apartment, we around ‘im the unwilling listeners. he silently watched the floor numbers count down on the bar above the elevator doors 10 9 8 7 “i ‘aven’t been there lately.” he finally said like he had wondered how to talk without being offensive while still showing his pockets were full of gold.

dick, i thought 4 5

and waited and 2 1 and the doors opened.

our doorman greeted us. he was a fine fellow and i talked with him when it was too awkward for silence. he had a prized son about to head off to columbia on some scholarship or another and his younger daughter was expected to follow in his shoes. his mother was bedridden his dad dead and apparently he made a great deal of money working as a valet for the most expensive hotel in the city on the weekends. he liked the color orange and his ties were sometimes tied with a different knot because his daughter liked to practice on him. for lunch he preferred a simple tomato and mozzarella panini from the cafe a few blocks away but occasionally he partook in the pita bread and hummus that mrs. tomadakis on the fourth floor gave him and he always always despised it when someone moved the rug in front of the door. i didnt know his name.

“another suicide, huh?” he gave me a warm smile and mr. steinway a slightly cooler one

he said ‘another’ because it had been the eighth one this month and we were only fourteen days into it and silently, slowly we found ourselves heading towards a point of numb disassociation—when one person committed suicide it was all over the news like mr. steinway’s scandal and you learned their birthday, their name, their age,

every tiny detail of they had been, the sorrow of their friends and family,

and everything that happened between the day that they they came into the world and the day they left

and the people reacted with horror, the parents apologized to their kids and the kids to their parents, and the grief counselors opened their doors to those who had lost someone in a similar fashion and had to relive the memory through someone else’s eyes and maybe a wide-eyed girl holdin the blade to her small wrist told herself not today, not today

but of course, thats me being optimistic

sometime after the third suicide all that popped up was a name and a vague somethingorother reason they lit themselves on fire or shot themselves in the ‘ead or something and then a frown from the casters, maybe a tinge of sympathy entered their tone but then 10 seconds passed and they forgot because this was all part of a trend that would end. the people talked about the suicides in hushed tones but now the conservations were turning into a more questioning again? and a response of yeses and then it tended to be never discussed again because hey it didnt involve us anyhow

so the nameless bodies started to pile up one on top of each other and i knew the faces and names of maybe three or four but no more.

i nodded to him. “troubling,” i said, because what else could i say

“yes, definitely. my wife had me turn off the news last night because she was so… distressed at all the incidents lately” the doorman replied and there was a hint of something unknown when he said it. nonetheless he turned to the man next to me because his priorities were his own “I heard your playing the other day, mr. steinway. marvelous as always,” he said, voice turned slick because steinway gave good tips. he couldn’t hear anything from all the way on the 1st floor of course

mr. steinway looked chuffed, a prizewinning cock who fought with all the other roosters. “the debussy or the khachaturian?”

“the khachaturian, of course. i always find myself partial to the contemporary—“ the doorman said in an inviting tone to begin an conversation that would undoubtedly net him a few more dollars or maybe a lot more next week—

“interesting!” steinway murmured in that hushed tone since discussion of classical music was clearly some covert operation that no one was supposed to know about. i walked outside into the cool fall air knowing that they would be stuck there for a good ten minutes or more and noticed that the crowd around the two corpses in the middle was gone already and the first thing i wondered was not who they were but rather if dear genevieve had heard the news

there is a photographer standing by the bodies with her big old camera snap snap and she looks up and stares at me staring at her she stands up and i notice that the bottom of her pants have been scuffed by the road she smiles at me without dusting herself off,

“hello!” she was too cheery for the death in front of her “do you live here?” she is the only one out here and the world feels strangely empty

“yes, i” i pointed to the clean, modern building to the left “live just over there,”

she looked at me up and down up and down “you wouldn’t know these people would you?” no i wouldnt

“no” her face fell but then it rose again as she stuffed a card into my clammy hand and the bracelets on her hand jangled and she grinned at me with white teeth but the front two were crooked as if someone ‘ad taken a pair of pliers to them and her brown ‘air was messy, her skin lighter than mine—“i was just wondering since no one seems to know who they are” (she spoke in a rush like she was breathless) and i finally start to wonder indeed, who they are because even as corpses their hands are entwined together “i’m” and now that im down here i can see the fine details in their “photographer, i” faces and the one on the left has that dead fish look in their dark eyes and the eyes are wide open and theyre staring into “crime scenes” my very soul and i wonder if theyre blaming me for my being complicit in their deaths because i too heard the news and did nothing but “ive been in the news” my hands are shaking and i think i couldnt have done anything because i didnt know but something jabs me — a maybe i did know because i too heard the news and passed by disinterested “but i also do” and im staring back at them and theyre staring back at me in a staring contest that i know i will lose “family portraits, anything you need basically” and the one on the rights eyes are closed and the part of their face that isnt all burst open and spilling onto the floor has a tender charm and their lips are fixed in what seems like a peaceful smile but im thinking no there is no way that could be peaceful and oh “call the number if” their ‘ands are all so small if i could just have grabbed those before they jumped maybe id be staring at an empty black canvas instead of a grotesque exhibit of all that we ‘ave done wrong

work title:

artist:

medium: human on concrete