#like they were a solid OK but i think their absolute indifference to one another

[waspgrave]

everyone is so brave to decide who they're going to romance already. I feel like the man holding too many limes but its the 7 companions

[towerofgodscreamblogwink]

reading last chap of s2 after covering several chapters yesterday, also since it's end of the season, for once I put some bigger serious thoughts at the end

who the FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE???

OH MY GOD KARAKA IS TSUNDERE

there are OTHER slayers?? (except fucking ex white)  if they mentioned it earlier i must’ve forgot

that’s not how to talk to your daddy greatest

 -(no i don’t like jahad i’m here to bully karaka because i tend to bully my faves)

*punches table* rabbit boy. get out. i have not sighed so loud in my entire life

oh i see why people were calling them furries.

listen, you either give us catboys or leave.

please don’t say “creatures” if it’s like your furry way of talking

that guy: not to worry he has a permit

gustang: *pulls out paper* “i can get whatever i want”

i’ve read “gremlin” im dONE

you know what maybe i should just go to bed rn

also cat is destroying my door dear lord

ok so it’s the next day now

“ahahaha”

“I can’t read...”

SHIT I HAVEN’T NOTICED RACHEL GOT TELEPORTED

erh i’m dumb on this one, why have they made this parallels?

I don’t want to tell you this but he just reminded me of chara undertale...

wangan: onii-chan!?

wait what

ouch

soooo karaka believes wangan’s story even w/o ring then?

*spits tea* ow goddammit not the feels

anyhoo that’s the end of s2, siu put a note about break but yeah that was years ago, so pretty sure i’ll be starting s3 even now but i won’t be posting it rn

anyhoo well that was suprisingly long season? my usual knowledge of “Seasons” is usually from anime, and these tend to have seasons with usual 2 or 3 arcs but they usually don’t go in so many different directions 

personally it feels like half of season 2 is a season on it’s own tbh, and maybe that’s how anime could adapt it, perhaps? although 12 episodes would work best with just setting on saving bam from fug.. either anime would make the seasons in parts like aot did with s3 or have lots and lots of seasons, since probability of anime getting 24 episodes has gotten awfully small those years

As for the opinions on season 2... I see first half and season on it’s own, so let’s start from this - Bam getting rescued, and first time they enter hell train. First of all, Bam as Viole is absolutely nailing this, and I wouldn’t mind having Viole as protagonist to be honest, although it would be indeed sad as Viole is not the happiest person, but damn is he a cutie. Is he a baby. 

Wangan - oh dear I dunno if others saw the plot twist coming, but I did not - I have absolutely been viewing him as Bam’s counterpart to his Viole side, just a complete shounen protagonist who’s completely ordinary. Boy was I w ro n g. I only remember vaguely being sus about him when Viole has mentioned his ring, but that was about it, as it was never mentioned again, I forgot about it. And then it appeared Karaka has this ring. Boy was I shooketh.

I don’t think I exactly liked the further progression though until Wangan’s story was revealed - until then he kinda fell into background, and then soon again as said story was revealed. However I do know Siu has big plans with him, and at this point I know Siu’s writing enough, so I don’t have much worries about his further progression

Also sadly there was no Karaka-Wangan brother bonding

Next in mind I have Khun, naturally, as he’s my icy hot favourite. I don’t really know why even, when I saw him in anime I was quite indifferent about him. So if you want me to explain why do I like khun, I can’t really explain. Other than when he was becoming my favourite, I remember being dissappointed in myself and making a post to myself “Goddammit don’t fall for him just because he’s your type” and he’s not even really my type in terms of personality, but at that point I was jsut shrugging it off, maybe it was his childish over-dramatic posture contrasting his cold personality because I just hit that protect button

Also yes I may be basic just slap me already

And before I’ll start talking: girl’s scout outfit, really? I support my son and I can understand his edgy and k-pop fashion... But I’d be lying if I said I understood him for shit at that moment

So now that we’re past back... I was actually recently re-reading first chapters, and damn, the difference of Khun before Bam was rescued - was rather intriguing. He was laughing his ass off at silly things (his team being dressed silly) but oh sweetie did it feel weird.

Next, I keep thinking about him on the train obliberating Rachel - despite popular opinion, his cockiness was actually getting on my nerves, and only thing saving it, was his reasons were Bam - so in other words, at least he wasn’t an asshat for his own sake.

I much liked his personality during second half of the season 2 - as much as there wasn’t much khunbam content - seems like Khun has grown as a person,as his cocky aura much disappeared as he became more understanding towards his own weaknesses. Now his “cockiness” became rather entertaining if you catch my drift, because despite his jerk nature, he *is* well aware of his flaws, and I just like that. Not that he *wasn’t* considerate of that already, but the hidden floor really did wonders on him.

And dear my, his relationship with Bam. I’ll be honest, at some point during reading first half of season 2, I felt like I was reading romance story between him and Bam. It was all the little things, like playing with Rachel just to know Bam’s past, Khun noticing Bam was uncomfortable with Viole wig, Khun being near Bam as he spoke he has no reasons to live, Khun standing up for Bam when strangers tried to use him and Isu asked for his help but skipped the asking part, Khun looking back to Bam telling him he’ll be back when going to catch the fish on train, Khun trying to talk to him when Bam locked himself up in his room on train, constantly checking and finally waiting in his room when he notices Bam is gone, Khun noticing lack of Bam’s presence before going to floor of death right *after* he just said he feels like world is ending if Bam isn’t here, and then beeming when Bam does in fact appears. And that’s just all the stuff I can remember right now, and I mean the *little* things. The big things are the ones we know well - “So that I can always chase” and the famous world one I don’t have to quote.

Second half didn’t have much scenes, but there were few that did stuck to me - Bam’s line to Kiseia how he understands why she hates him, but he’ll do everything he can to stop her if she plans to harm Khun *again*. Because it seemed like Bam kind of moved on from Khun getting stabbed by his sis, but that panel did show that not only it *did* stay with him, it also stayed with him that it was *Kiseia* who hurt him.

Another scene was the one I don’t think I need to talk about much, as we all pretty understand - moment of Khun and Eduan awkward father-son bonding. Khun tries to close himself off, but Bam reaches out, and forces him out of comfort zone

But what mostly stuck out to me, was his behaviour after Khun became kinda dead. It was the way he spoke to endorsi and rest, how *he’s* going to take khun and follow the *harder* path, and anyone who *don’t want to come*, can take the easier one. Basically, he was prepared to go the harder route completely alone because it meant taking Khun with him, and he was just, prepared to go without any help, he only optionally added that others can join if they *want* to.

Another interesting scene, was Hwaryun calling him out, when few of his teammates has been captured, due to them taking the different path from Bam - but if they are meant to escape with Khun, they have to leave them, and when Bam gets steamy about it, Hwaryun goes - “I didn’t choose the teams. You’ve chosen them based on who matters more.” It’s so subtle, so cruel, yet intriguing - one of the most worst way to tell someone he cares for someone else more - she’s only saying Khun mattered to him more, but in this context, it sounds accusing, making Bam’s decision selfish. And that’s something that’s absolutely in my mind - his care for Khun, called out in “accusing” matter - as something that stopped him from commiting other decision - as something he’s willing to priotize others over.

So I can’t stop thinking about that, and truthfully? That last “take care of Khun after me.” line.

But the other line from bam’s monolouge that gets me is “Wait a bit more Khun... I’ll wake you up again.” That “again” gets to me, but I can’t really explain it. Maybe it’s the way he looks at Khun longily. 

So this covers their relationship, and I think I’m only gonna mention Bam now real quick and perhaps Eudan and Jahad, because the post’s getting long and I don’t want to make *this* post specifically long.

I don’t have much to say about Bam, as Bam himself doesn’t have much to say about him. He didn’t have much definying features or characteristics besides the time he was Viole, but you have to hand it to him for growing after meeting after she pushed him for the first time - it was still hard to say anything about him though. For several chapters later - as well, except he did manage to develop the traits of self-sacriface, and actual resolve to save everyone - because he talks about *always* and sure fights for his friends, but who doesn’t? Where his personality shines in this regard, is in the moment of Bam saving his enemies with no questions asked, and White by the way definetely helped Bam to develop his personality for sure.

But either way I’m here roasting Bam, while my goal was to say, that it was in the hidden floor where I’ve actually started recognizing him as his own character - it was in the moment of him having final confrontation with Viole, I finally saw what kind of person he was. And I liked it, he became a solid character in that moment, accompanied by proper flashbacks and exploration. And Bam continues to be then written quite consinstely as in one of later flashbacks, he indeed says, what he said to Viole a while ago - he’s afraid of being alone. Not only that, the internal conflict was added - is he a monster? is he not? It’s simple conflict but can do wonders, and it’s not something that Bam even thinks about, it’s more of a really subtle conflict within a character design itself, rather than Bam.

So basically now Bam indeed feels more of an actual character

And before I’ll end it for now, I want to mention the meeting of young Eudan, andyoung Jahad - truth to be told, I don’t have most unique feelings towards them as anyone sees the point - the adventures with pure intentions turned evil, aka how everyone can turn evil. What makes me more interested, is how Siu has used it for storytelling... Main characters having a big meeting with the younger versions of villians? Haven’t seen that one yet, so I’m interested what direction Siu will take with it, since this is my first time seeing it, so I’m really curious how exactly you can utilize such scenes in terms of long planned story, and not only how they affect story as a whole, but how they also affect just aspects of it as well.

So, that’d be it on my commentary and small “opinion” on season 2. It wasn’t like I exactly wanted  to put it here, but I wanted the end of season 2 to have more meaning to myself. But not only to have a meaning to myself *just* for my own reasons, but because I didn’t want to leave the whole season with nothing but small comments there and there. I wanted my experience altogether to be something bigger - but not only experience, but my “legacy” as well. So, that’d be about it x2, if you’re still reading, congratulations, I appreciate that, and you get an apple

[xxanimecoolgirlxx]

@threateningkahootmusic Prejudice and Fame belongs to them.

Vickie sat at the bar, mindlessly looking at her drink. Another long day at work as a news reporter/ investigative journalist, this time something about a corrupt company. Now normally this wouldn’t be an issue.

Except for the fact that she wished she could legally punch in a couple of individuals teeth without immediately facing assault charges.

Among other things, the company was facing allegations of workplace harassment, discrimination, unequal pay of workers based of sex, and an hostile work environment. And from her experience for working undercover there, it was, indeed, true. In fact, she’d say that the allegations weren’t telling enough! The amount of sexist and racist remarks made at her by staff and management alike would be enough to ensure that no new hires would be daring enough to go there. Even Vickie was surprised at herself for getting this far without snapping at someone. Not that it would’ve made a difference if she did.

All of this evidence through recordings and screenshots would make this seem like an open and shut case, right? Not quite. Even with the damning audio recordings, the camera feed, the multitude of paper documents and such, she knew it wouldn’t be enough for anything to really change. She needed something bigger. She knew that as it stood right now, at the very worse the company would blame a few lowly managers as scapegoats, fire them, and then say that they will do better in the future while knowing good and well that they had no plans on doing anything. Hell, even if they did get any legal repercussions, they could just settle out of court and be done with it. No, Vickie would need something bigger.

Right now she would be doing more research into the company had her work friend not dragged her to this self proclaimed “high end club”. Apparently her friend had been assigned to do an interview to this celebrity, Fame, at least that’s what she hoped his stage name was. She didn’t see a point in drawing needless attention to herself to she opted to stay at the bar and subtly watch from afar. Not like she was dressed to be here anyways, her black knee length form fitting dress was too professional to be in a function like this, her black hair wasn’t styled up to anything fancy and her dark skin wasn’t adorned with any makeup too flashy. It looked like she was at a job interview more than a nightclub. She was more worried about her case than anything else.

“Come on now, I know your defining character quality is being a square, but lighten up a bit, let yourself have some fun.”

Vickie’s eyes wondered over to the ghost that seemingly followed her everywhere, Helena. Seeing that Helena was invincible to everyone but her most of the time, she couldn’t outright face her or talk to her in public without looking odd to say the very least. She raised an eyebrow at the ghost. Like hell she was going to let herself get sloppy drunk and make a complete fool of herself. Maybe that was some other’s tastes to get so blasted that the next morning they don’t know where they were, but it wasn’t Vickie’s taste.

Helena could see the look in Vickie’s eyes

“I know what your thinking. I’m not asking you to behave like an absolute moron. But just chill it. You’re not on the clock right now, you’ll always have time to do this tomorrow. But for the love of god stop worrying yourself.” Helena then crossed her arms

“I promise you if you burn yourself out and pass out from pulling an all nighter again, let me you tell, you will not hear the end of my lectures in the morning.”

Vickie sighed. Although she didn’t say anything, she did make it a point to relax her shoulders and let herself slightly slouch a bit. She finished her drink before ordering a new one when commotion could be heard from the other side of the club behind her. Even with the loud music, Vickie could tell something was going on. Helena looked over and moved closer to see what was going on.

“Oh goddamnit, Prejudice, this is the 5th time this month you’ve crashed the party!” Fame grumbled as Prejudice smirked, snatching a drink out of the hand of Vickie’s coworker.

“Yeah, and I’ll do it again. Besides, I like how you get all p!ssy about it.” Prejudice said as he took a drink from his stolen beverage.

Helena moved back over to Vickie

“Don’t look now, but I think that’s the CEO of that company you’re looking into.” Helena whispered despite knowing she couldn’t be heard by anyone else. Vickie stole a glance to confirm what Helena was saying before looking away just as quickly as to not accidentally get unwanted attention.

“The hell’s he doing here? Shouldn’t he be more worried about saving his company’s face by discrediting the allegations?” She muttered quietly to herself as she took a sip from her Bloody Mary. Helena glanced over

“It looks like him and that other fellow know each other.” Helena said. “I’ll keep watch.” Helena said as she floated over to the crowd. Vickie’s grip on her glass tightened. Maybe this could be the chance she’d been looking for to get solid concrete against the company. Since her coworker, besides from an obvious camera crew, had a recording pen on her, maybe the pen might catch something incriminating, maybe embezzlement, tax fraud, something that really couldn’t be ignored, something that could ruin this business and its corrupt ways.

As she took another swing of her drink, she started noticing the feeling of eyes burning into the back of her head, like someone was staring at her. At first she thought it was Helena, until the ghost floated back over and the feeling didn’t go away.

“Did you catch anything?” Vickie whispered subtly.

“No, but he’s been staring at you. I think? He may be looking at your general area but he’s definitely been looking intensely at the bar area.” Helena said.

Vickie wanted to test that theory. She got up from her chair and walked around, acting as though she was merely stretching. The feeling of being watched didn’t fade no matter where she went. Even well after she sat back down in her chair. Ok, he definitely was staring at her. Did this guy somehow know who she really was, what her goals were? She didn’t think so, she’d done a good job hiding it.

By this point, the amount of people in the club dwindled down a bit, at least in the area she was in. Fame had moved to a different spot of the club and so did a large group of the crowd there. Everyone else around her were either drunk or leaving. Vickie was mid drinking her beverage when she felt someone approaching. Great, just great. She didn’t look over as she just wanted to be left alone. But alas, her luck for the night turned to be Jack sh!t as Prejudice sat down in a chair next to hers at the bar.

Vickie didn’t look over, just remained silent and indifferent as Prejudice pretty much ordered the bartender for some hard liquor. Helena looked like she wanted to intervene but Vickie signaled her not to with some cleverly hidden hand signals the two hand memorized over the course of their friendship/ her being tethered to Vickie. It was quiet for a moment, before Prejudice slammed his shot glass. He glanced over at the bartender.

“I’d suggest you take your fat ginger freak a$$ out of here before you also get a taste of what this little dumb bimbo is going to get.” Prejudice said, in this almost joking way, though she could tell by his voice that He at the same time sounded serious. Either way, it was enough to get the bartender out of there.

Vickie didn’t even have time to get up herself when she felt a hand grab her by the hair and slam her face down onto the counter. She felt her arm being twisted behind her back, the grip getting tighter when she struggled. Helena tried to help, to pull the man off of her but she was swatted away like a fly, which set off all alarms bells in Vickie’s brain. This man clearly wasn’t human.

“Now what do we have here? You know, looking at you, I’d think you’re just another dime a dozen mortal sl/t with less brains than a mutt, it took me a bit to discover what you were actually trying to do.” Prejudice said in casual voice that somehow sounded threatening at the same time. Even then, it was how he said theses things that started grinding Vickie’s gears. He said these things like he was entitled to say them, like it was owed to him.

“You may have fooled my dipsh!t employees, you dumb b!tch, but I’m not exactly as easy to convince. I know you plan on finding whatever evidence you can to ‘ruin’ me or whatever you want to call it. What, you plan on cancelling me? You seem like the type to type essays on Twitter on inequalities or whatever nonsense about equality like anyone will give a damn. At least nobody important will care.” He grinned.

“Oh go f*ck yourself you pompous little sh!t!” Vickie growled. She let out a loud hiss of pain as he twisted her arm more as a result.

“Oh, a little feisty? Good, I’ve been wanting something more entertaining than some obedient little pets. So please, go on. I’m going to break that jaw of yours either way but still, I want to hear more.” Prejudice goated on. She felt his hand slowly leave her hair and travel down to her waist.

“You know, if you really wanted to make yourself useful, doll, than you should stop worrying about whatever job you work in and start worrying about wearing something nice. You dress like a sl/t that acts like they’re someone of any respect. Really you’re not fooling anyone ” Prejudice said, the cockiness in his voice was what sent Vickie off to a boiling peak.

Using the mobility gained by his hand not being holding her head down, she stomped on his foot with her heel, as hard as possible, the man let out a curse but before he could really do much she took a shot glass from the table, spun around and smashed it right in his eye. Sure, this did result in her held arm getting twisted even more and probably dislocated, it gave her the opportunity to get free from his grasp as he stumbled back.

She then took this opportunity to start beating him with pretty much everything and anything in sight, fists, heels, a wine bottle she smashed over his head, chairs, anything in sight. All whilst calling him every name in the book, every swear and curse she could think of, hell, she was pretty sure she set a record. But even all of that didn’t really do much, not when immediately after she was backhanded to the ground when he finally got his footing. She didn’t even have time to recover as he grabbed her by her throat and slammed up against a wall, several times. By the time he stopped her head was spinning and blood was dripping from the back of her head. He then held her up off her feet, hand still firmly on her neck and then he squeezed down, hard.

She desperately scratched at his hand, tried to take gasps of air. But his tight grasp cut off her airways, leaving her attempts useless. Even worse, there didn’t even look like she laid a scratch on him, as any and all injuries or bruises inflicted on him had somehow already healed.

Prejudice’s smirk became wider as he squeezed tighter, his free hand yanking out any remaining glass from his eye.

“God, aren’t you just a fidgety little spazz? Hmm? Did you really think you could fight off a god? Though you’ve been great entertainment so far, it’s been a while since someone’s actually tried to fight me. Good to know not every mortal nowadays are p/ssies.” He spoke.

Vickie could see her world starting to turn dark as Prejudice kept talking

“Let’s just get this part over with. You WILL delete whatever ‘evidence’ you have against my company, and you’ll drop this case. If you don’t, we’ll, I’m sure you don’t have many options here, unless you wanna have a meeting with Death.” He said.

“Then, I want you to meet me in my office as soon as you enter the building. Don’t try quitting now that you won’t be able to do that little expose thing. I can ruin you in so many ways I’m sure your pretty little brain won’t comprehend. It’s alright. You don’t have to think, just do as I say and I won’t have to hurt you.. too much, sweetheart.” That ‘sweetheart’ was said in the most patronizing tone that it would’ve made Vickie said had she not been on the brink of passing out from lack of oxygen.

That was when Prejudice finally dropped Vickie, leaving her on the floor taking greedy gasps for air, her lungs burning from the lack of it. Prejudice just smirked at her once more before checking his watch. He took him longer than he thought. No worries, he didn’t have too much planned for today’s anyways.

Vickie laid there weakly on the floor as Prejudice just walked away, as if he didn’t just do what he just did. Helena by this point finally came too and quickly picked up Vickie, getting her out of the club and into her car.

“Vickie, Vickie. Don’t pass out on me, Vickie just try and stay awake! I’ll get help!” Helena said as she dashed over somewhere as Vickie fought to keep her eyes open before exhaustion finally hit and she felt her eyes close, her body forcing her to rest for the sake of recovery.

[gamerwoo]

Mingi: Child’s Play

Characters: Mingi x gender neutral reader (featuring ateez and skz)

Genre/warnings: werewolf au, angst

Word count: 1,652

Summary: Just because you’re Mingi’s mate doesn’t mean he doesn’t still see you as his rival.

a/n: so i saw this and i really just had to make werewolf!mingi, and also @dearmingki didn’t exactly tell me not to write this. but i also didn’t 100% have a solid plot in mind so uh if anybody thinks it sucks,,,,,u right jkdhfsd (since i’ve been asked so many times: please stop asking if I’ll make a part 2. if i do it, then i do it, but rn, i have zero inspo ok thank u)

Part Two

He’s hated you since you were kids. He wanted to be first to go down the slide in first grade, but you had beat him to it. So as you sat down on the slide, he shoved you down it, and you ended up skinning your knee when you fell on the ground. So then you hated him, too.

As you and Mingi got older, your hatred continued. It grew from stealing each others crayons to purposely hitting your shoulder against his in the hallway or him sticking his leg out to trip you in class. Even when you moved away when you were in your sophomore year of high school, you loathed Mingi. You’d still hear about him from your friends -- how handsome he’d gotten, how deep his voice was now -- but you’d just roll your eyes.

Then you heard that he had a massive growth spurt, and then ran away from home for a week. Nobody could find him until Kim Hongjoong pulled up to Mingi’s house with the boy in question in his passenger seat one Saturday morning. But you just scoffed and said, “he should’ve stayed gone”.

Mingi caught word of a similar story. All the neighboring towns and cities were buzzing about the missing 16-year-old who had supposedly run away from home. But seeing your most recent photo in the paper -- it was your school photo from your new school -- made him feel...indifferent. Part of him didn’t care if you were going through some rebellious phase where you ran away from home, but another part of him wondered if something bad had happened to you. Part of him wondered if -- and hoped, even -- you would even come home.

But he never heard if you did.

You had eventually returned home, but only after you got yourself under control. After your pulse had started to rapidly beat, your skin had gotten hot, and you watched as claws expanded out of your fingers, you had bolted out of your house and into the woods just to hide from your parents before they got home. But then you had shifted into some giant wolf as you were running, and you couldn’t figure out how to shift back. Could you even shift back? Or were you stuck like this forever?

You were lucky that a familiar face found you despite the fact you were deep in the forest, far away from home. Though, you wouldn’t find out until later that they found you because Chan sensed that there was somebody in his pack not too far from him.

“_____, it’s okay,” Changbin had tried to calm you down, being the first to find you after his pack went out and split up in search of the stray werewolf that turned out to be you. “You just have to calm down, and you can change back.”

But nobody could get you calm until Chan showed up. The alpha -- your alpha -- managed to coax you into changing back after calming you down, and then wrapping you in a blanket since you didn’t have any clothes. Then he brought you back to his apartment and let you borrow a pair of his sweatpants and a t-shirt so he could bring you home.

But that was years ago. You weren’t in high school anymore, and you were finally used to being a werewolf. You had moved in with Changbin and Hyunjin after you graduated, and your apartment was only a floor below Chan’s. All of your pack mates treated you like family, and you loved them dearly -- even if they did constantly get into mischief. But you didn’t think about stupid Song Mingi for years, and that was what mattered.

Until Chan called for a ‘pack meeting’...

“We’re forming this treaty with another pack,” he explained before he looked at you with an amused expression. “They’re actually located where _____ came from.”

“What?” you asked as your expression turned to confusion. There was a werewolf pack in your hometown?

“What do they need from us, though?” Minho wondered.

“Apparently some werewolf hunters have been hanging around the area, so they want our help if they ever attack,” the alpha elaborated, running a hand through his hair. “I figured a few of us could go for the weekend to scope things out; make the deal and whatnot. I assumed _____ would wanna go.”

You shrugged, a small smile tugging at the corner of your lips, “I haven’t really been home in a while...”

“I wanna go, too!” Felix smiled as he threw his hand into the air.

“Alright, so it’ll be me, Woojin, Felix, and _____,” Chan nodded.

“Who’s in charge while you’re gone?” Jisung wondered.

Chan just scoffed, “None of you. Just stay out of trouble.”

-

Being back home felt better than you thought it would. Everything was so familiar but just slightly different in ways you couldn’t place. But overall, it brought back a lot of nostalgia that had you faintly smiling non-stop. Your pack took notice of it, too, and thought it was adorable -- especially Felix who wouldn’t stop cooing at you.

“So who is this pack?” Woojin wondered as Chan drove the four of you to your destination to meet this pack for the first time. 

“I just know their alpha’s name is Hongjoong,” Chan replied, not really paying attention since he was trying to listen to the GPS.

Your eyes widened as you pushed yourself forward to physically interject yourself into the conversation, your hands on the driver and passenger seats, “Wait, Kim Hongjoong?”

Chan didn’t even look at you as he replied, “Yeah, why?”

“Ooh, is he one of your old friends?” Felix asked excitedly. “Do we get to meet your friends from home?”

“Not really,” you shrugged. “I knew of him but we were friends. He was friends with somebody else I knew.”

“So...friend of a friend?”

“Friend of an asshole,” you corrected with acid in your tone.

Your hatred for Mingi suddenly flooded back into you. You hadn’t thought of him in years, and now you were angry all over again.

The road Hongjoong lived on was familiar, but the house wasn’t. It was at the very end of a dead-end street that you’d never seen the end of. His house was secluded, but it still looked pretty cute. It looked like it would house a few more people than just him, though. 

The car parked in the driveway, and as the four of you got out, the front door to the house opened. Hongjoong led a whole pack out the door, smiling politely when he saw your alpha. You were only paying attention to Hongjoong because of his alpha aura that he radiated.

“Thank you for coming all this way,” he said with a smile. “We really appreciate-- Oh, _____! It’s been a really long time.”

You nodded, feeling a little awkward that one of Mingi’s friends knew and recognized you. You just hoped they weren’t still friends.

“Hey,” was all you really said.

“Wait,” a deep voice that sounded unfamiliar but also kind of familiar at the same time spoke up. It made your heart beat in a way you couldn’t explain, either; in a way it never had before, “_____?”

Through the small crowd of Hongjoong’s pack, Mingi pushed through. He definitely had gotten taller, and his voice had definitely gotten deeper. He also just looked more mature, but that wasn’t really your primary focus right now.

You just knew when you looked at Mingi that he was it. You’d heard what imprinted was supposed to feel like, but you didn’t know what it actually would be like, but you just knew. Despite the anger bubbling in you, you felt an intense love and care for your only archenemy, and it was all very confusing. Your gaze completely zeroed in on him, blocking out the rest of the world, so you didn’t see how your pack and his were looking at you, realizing what was happening.

But Mingi was going through the same thing, and he was the first to speak on it.

“Fuck,” he said plainly before he scoffed and shook his head. “No, this is-- No.”

“Wait, what’s going on?” Hongjoong wondered.

Mingi whipped around to face his alpha, pointing over at you, “That’s _____!”

“Like, the _____?” somebody from his pack chuckled. “Wow, fate must really hate you two.”

Chan looked at you curiously, “_____, who is that?”

As you opened your mouth to speak, Mingi interrupted with his stupid, big, loud mouth, “It doesn’t matter because you’re all leaving. We don’t need the help.”

“Mingi--” Hongjoong tried to scold him.

“I don’t want them around me!” Mingi stated, crossing his arms over his chest.

“You’ll die if they’re not,” one of his pack mates said in a quiet, monotone voice like they really didn’t care either way.

Honestly, neither did you.

Mingi’s golden eyes landed on you, realizing that he forgot about that bit. If a werewolf was denied their mate, they would slowly die. So he either had to put up with you or die. But you were in the same predicament, and dying didn’t seem too bad right now.

He growled lowly before he rolled his eyes and seemed to just accept his fate.

“Whatever,” he spat. “But stay away from me while you’re here. And if anything happens, I don’t want your help.”

“No problem,” you promised with a sarcastic smirk.

Mingi stormed back into the house while you stomped over to the car to wait in the backseat instead.

After the two of you left, Felix quietly said, “Twenty bucks says they end up absolutely in love by the end of this.”

San from Mingi’s pack laughed, not even bothering to keep his voice down, “I’ll bet twenty-five that they’re hate-fucking each other by Sunday.”

[dear-mrs-otome]

Johann Georg Faust - Story Event Summary

Please be aware I’m NO EXPERT HERE. TAKE THIS WITH A GRAIN OF SALT...I am but a newbie still learning Japanese <3 That said, I hope you enjoy, and see my rambling thoughts at the end because I found this event fascinating.

~~~~

At a cemetery, Leonardo and MC are visiting the grave of one of Leonardo's old friends and reminiscing a bit, when they overhear a priest offering words of comfort to a crying woman and a teenage boy nearby. MC realizes they must have lost a family member, and she makes eye contact with the priest, finding him a bit odd as they stare at each other before the priest returns to his ministrations.

As she and Leonardo begin to leave, the teenage boy approaches them and asks if they've seen his little brother around - the boy seems to have gotten lost. Leonardo and MC assure him they'll look for him so that the youth can go back to their distraught mother. He thanks them and tells them his name is Kevin, and his little brother is Paul.

They find the boy outside the cemetery sitting on a park bench reading, and he says he doesn't want to go back inside and deal with his father's death so they tell him they'll hang out with him for a bit. He asks them about a picture in his book which turns out to be a vampire and she and Leonardo try to explain to him what one is, but they barely start when they're interrupted.

"It's a monster that lives off the blood of people," a voice says. It's the priest from inside, who introduces himself as Father Faust, and he and Leonardo have a back and forth with the boy and each other over what a vampire is exactly - Leonardo saying it's not something to be envied, and that humanity has its merits, while Faust says that eternal life free from suffering and death wouldn't be such a bad thing after all.

They're at an impasse and Faust asks MC what her opinion is, but she can't choose. Both sides have good points, she thinks. Faust laughs off dragging her into a pointless argument and takes the child back inside, leaving Leonardo a bit uneasy in his wake.

~~

In a small church, the youth Kevin is asking for absolution from Faust for his sins, committed out of desperation to feed and support his sick mother and little brother. A cold, dispassionate Faust looks down on the emotional boy and grants it, to his surprise.

~~

After shopping in town, her arms full of apples, MC is walking past the same small church and bumps into someone leaving, spilling her apples everywhere. She and the person she ran into apologize and she recognizes them as Kevin, the youth from the cemetery, but he seems dejected. As she's about to go after him, Faust appears and helps her pick up the apples and takes her inside. She introduces herself properly this time, and asks if its his church, but he says he's just filling in for the sick priest who usually is there.

They have a chat about Kevin and she tries to praise his efforts as a priest, being a relief to so many people, but it only ends up unsettling her a bit with how icy and collected Faust seems, and how he seems to have a lack of compassion for those suffering. He admits that while he carries out the duties of a priest, he has never seen God himself, and she's stunned by his lack of faith but Faust seems to find her surprise amusing. He says that she is something unexpected and worth of studying.

He lifts her chin with his hand. "Would you like to be my guinea pig?" he asks, and she's frozen, her heart thundering...

But just then Leonardo comes in, scolding Faust and pulling her away, clearly unhappy. They go back and forth a bit, with Faust insisting he was only inviting her to church as she seemed interested (a blatant lie). As the two men stare each other down, Faust pushes his glasses up innocently and proclaims he seems to have upset her overprotective guardian.

~~

Outside Leonardo apologizes for overreacting and says maybe Faust was right, maybe he is too protective. Then he's approached by a random townsperson who asks for his help, and he agrees, heading off after them. Just as he's left though, she hears someone screaming about a thief and looks up to see Kevin barreling towards her, cursing and carrying a knife, pursued by a man. She can't get out of the way or stop him, and as Leonardo cries out her name, she braces for impact...and then feels strong arms around her, pulling her safely out of the way.

"As I thought, God saves no one," Faust says, as she's protected in his solid embrace. 

Kevin recognizes Father Faust, and Faust pushes her behind himself to shield her but then the youth is tackled by Leonardo and disarmed. Faust compliments Leonardo on the speed he took down his quarry with, and Leonardo takes Kevin off towards the police station.

MC is upset at the turn of events regarding Kevin, but she's interrupted by Faust demanding to see her arms - and only after he's forced her to take a seat on the side of the road does she realize she's been cut and is bleeding. She's about to start looking for a handkerchief when -

"It looks delicious," Faust says, and she doesn't have a chance to react before he's licking the blood off her arm, the feel of his lips and hot tongue and teeth grazing her skin causing her face to flame. He keeps at it until she can't help sighing, and she thinks how he seems just like a vampire when he stops and asks her to forgive him, saying that he didn't have any disinfectant to clean her with. He tears her ruined shirtsleeve and bandages her properly with it, just as Leonardo shows back up fretting over her.

She tries to thank Faust but before she can he's turned her back over to Leonardo with another quip about her guardian and walked away.

~~

After everything had settled, MC enters a beautiful cathedral on the outskirts of town, and inside is Faust. He seems startled to see her again, and she's pleased he remembers her name when he asks what she is doing there. 

She says she found out where he was and wanted to come by to thank him properly - offering him a basket of baked treats from Sebastian that he finally takes, albeit less than graciously - grumbling that she must have a lot of free time to come around on an errand like that.

She says she also came to tell him how things are going with Kevin, but notes that Faust seems indifferent as she relays the now-happier fate of the family. She pushes him on why he didn't do something to intervene, if he knew from Kevin's confession that they were struggling, and Faust says that helping one person would barely touch the misery that everyone suffers from. His attitude seems so jaded and accepting of harsh realities, as if he doesn't even believe in miracles anymore, she thinks.

Then Faust remarks on how, if a person were a vampire the way that little boy had wished, they'd be free of those sorts of concerns, and she blurts out that he seems to know a lot about vampires.

"And if I said they were real?" Strong arms pull her close and she falls against Faust's chest, and his hands on her clothes makes her think of the sensation of his tongue on her skin. 

"The taste of your blood...I haven't forgotten it," Faust says to her in a low, breathtaking voice. He asks if she has something special running through her veins - her blood smells so intriguing.

Stunned, she asks if he is a vampire, and he offers to study vampires - his fangs and her blood - then he laughs and says he was only joking and that vampires aren't real, angering her. She pushes him away, feeling gullible, and he warns her of the dangers of even human men...and warns her to be careful on her way home as she leaves in a huff, still hyper-aware of the way her skin burned where he'd touched.

~~

The evening of her visit, Vlad comes to the church and says he saw that Faust had a young lady visiting. "You let her go, didn't you?" Vlad asks. Faust scolds him for spying, as Charles is excited at the prospect of a girl coming around, and Vlad points out that she was very cute and even left Faust goodies.

Vlad seems surprised that Faust would let someone like her escape, but Faust only says that catching prey can be a hassle. Then says that he wants her to be a guinea pig anyways, to study carefully, and that she seems to have piqued his interest...

FINIS

~~~~~

OK SO MY THOUGHTS HERE, AKA: WHY THIS WAS SO COOL and how I now have only more questions than answers:

1. I think my main takeaway from this event was the sense that while Faust may be an atheist, or lack faith, it’s less of a true atheism and more the feeling of ‘I am pissed off at God’. The way he mentions that God saves no one, and his jaded sense that there’s no point to helping the suffering of others, it all just felt personal. I was left reading this and wondering...what the heck did God do to you, Faust? 

2. Also, this boy is has cajones that would make any prize steer proud. I can’t believe he made a lollipop of MC right out there, in the open on the side of the danged road ESPECIALLY RIGHT AFTER he’d just seen Leonardo come in and clearly stake his claim to her. He also has no qualms about calling Leonardo out for his over-protectiveness more than once, and basically says he’s made Daddy mad right to his face.

3. He’s going to be a dirty filthy boy and I love it. He pretty much made mouth-love to MC’s arm there, to the point where she was half-moaning, and made plenty of double entendre-style insinuations and passes at her, zero fucks given about her relationship status.

4. He doesn’t seem to be very subordinate to Vlad, despite Vlad clearly being their leader. He scolds his boss for spying and his body language is far from deferential, and the brief glimpse of the trio I got they seem very close-knit and almost more like peers.

5. Letting her go clearly surprised Vlad as being very out of character for Faust. It seems as if the trio have few qualms about feeding off humans, etc, and for Faust to show her any special consideration definitely seems to have caught Vlad’s interest as well.

[velveetacrackncheese]

2020 plans. Why I’m Staying Distant, and What I Might Do Next.

I want to talk about some of the things I’ve kinda kept to myself. During 2019 and 2018, I’ve been in some rather dark places that I hadn’t really opened about in recent time, and I don’t know where else to express how I’ve felt past some very bad sounding, sporadic and rather irreverent tweets making fun of my own situation whilst failing to cope with it meaningfully. If you’re close to me and curious as to why I’m seriously disconnecting myself for a while, you don’t have to read if you don’t want to, especially since you’ve probably listened to enough of what I’ve had to say, to the point where you just can’t say much anymore. It’s fine, and I do know that’s how you felt or used to feel considering someone else told me that. If you do read something that might make you feel upset, then I apologize. I don’t hate anyone or anything, but I have to start being honest with myself, and with you.

Familial Relationships; Romantic Relationships, Lying.

I’ll be honest. I don’t know what to feel about the whole online thing, or the online friendship thing. Not that I don’t appreciate all the friends I’ve made online, I do. And I still think of them as close friends, but I feel grossly disconnected from everyone I do know online, and I feel like I’ve kinda just failed to be a decent person and friend to the people I consider friends on here. On twitter. On discord. Where ever. It isn’t anyone’s fault but mine, but to be honest, I’ve always struggled with this sort of thing even irl. All the irl friends I’ve made don’t even want to talk to me anymore. I’m told that I was only tolerated, and that I was annoying, and too depressing to be around, and it just feels like I’ve learned nothing. I seem to push everyone away from me and I don’t know how to fix it. My grandparents even though I’ve made attempts to reconnect despite my anxiety, still feel indifferent to me in some cases.

To give context, I was kicked out of my grandparent’s house because they felt that me not being involved with the family and being disconnected and angry was the result of me being angered by them and allegedly not loving them. They assumed that I didn’t care about being part of the family even though whatever frustration I had came from them not being able to understand me, and me not being able to understand myself at the time. I didn’t have the maturity necessary for me to express why I felt the way I did, what mental issues I was dealing with, and that I didn’t ask to be this way. However, they assumed that I was just a lazy person. Belittled me for something I didn’t know how to deal with, and then framed it as me choosing to leave instead of what actually happened. I’m supposed to be the bad guy in every context even though I acknowledged my fault, but they and my mother are wholly convinced that I was responsible for every bit of animosity that occurred between us. I’m honestly still angry about that, but I’ve given up on trying to tell my mother about because she just doesn’t care about what I have to say on the matter, even though they are both aware of me dealing with clinical depression. Issue being that to my mother, it’s a matter of just “deciding to be happy” because she’s depressed too, and her experiences are apparently identical to mine even though it isn’t. I love my mother, and I’m coming around to my grandparents, and I know they don’t mean to be malicious, but it feels that way. My experiences online has further perpetuated the urge to just withdraw from making any further attempts to mend severed bonds. For the longest time I was against trying to fix my relationship with my grandparents. I was convinced that I would completely sever ties with them and never talk to them again. Eventually I realized I couldn’t do that because my siblings lived with them, and my mother being really adamant (and quite rude about it) convinced me to at least try. Albeit, my mother expects me to forgive and forget about me getting kicked out (while still telling me I just magically decided to leave with nothing reinforcing that at all mind you) but I’m doing this for me. Not for her approval. I’ve made attempts to talk about this online but I fear I may have misled some people; for the longest time I was dealing with how to really express and come to terms with what happened. Again, I was very angry at the time. 

I’ve also failed with all of my romantic relationships on here too, and I need to learn to be devoid of any romantic feelings in general because it just never works out for me. I’m giving up on it unless there’s a solid and logistic reason for me not to. It seems damaging to just not search for any kind of romantic relationship, but after being in a poly relationship that ended rather poorly, I feel really disillusioned with love and affection. I don’t know how to feel about it, and after my last relationship, I don’t even know if I can trust myself to just not be an awful partner. I say this because my last relationship was a first time experience. It was a poly relationship, and while it was a very happy relationship, one with a lot of happy memories, it was built off the foundation of me getting involved in an already established relationship, and letting the two that did care for me into that relationship out of feeling sorry for me being lonely, and me talking about how I envied their relationship, as well as everyone else in our particular friend server that had a romantic relationship going on. This continued to happen after another previous break up where that particular ex broke up with me because they felt that being so far away from me would’ve made things difficult. I understand that. Yes, they of course did love me, but looking back, that love wasn’t strong enough for a sustaining relationship.

The poly relationship in question ended due to multiple factors. I won’t be using anyone’s names, so I shall be referring to them as Partner 1, and Partner 2. Partner 1 was the one that I had actually interacted with the most. We spoke the most, interacted the most, etc. Over time though, I imagine my constant ravaging about me being lonely, depressed, not knowing what to do creatively and what to do about my family wore him out. It didn’t help that I seemingly neglected to hear what he had felt about his own familial troubles considering something occurred in his life made him feel very troubled. I also believe that he felt that I wasn’t giving him enough affection in the way he wanted. I was busy at my job a lot of the time, had a lot going on personally, and it was stated that he didn’t know what to feel about our relationship anymore since he didn’t feel fulfilled like he wanted to do. Out of frustration and not knowing how to cope with being broken up with again, I idiotically snapped at him, and then I myself broke up with him due to me for some bizarre reason wanting to be the one who cut the ties off instead of the other person. In my mind, I had imagined that if I did it, then that would’ve meant that I held the rope, and that I would’ve been the dominant individual within that context. Clearly I was wrong, and I regretted my mistake. I apologized eventually, but knowing how he felt, I didn’t ask for him back. I only left it up in the air if he ever wanted to try it again. He did leave up in the air too, however we never got back together and is happy with his new partner. I’m glad he’s happier.

Partner 2 was a different story, and bit more brief. Her and I stayed together after Partner 1 and I broke up, but I guess she began to feel disillusioned with our relationship after that whole debacle, and other things going on in her personal life and had other relationships she wanted to attend to as well. She didn’t stay together with me much longer after that situation, and she also broke up with Partner 1 prior. She didn’t want to be part of that relationship anymore, and that’s fine honestly. What’s really damning however is that she never spoke to me, Partner 1, or even any of our friends within the small server we were in, ever again. She’s been gone for well over a year now, and every now and again, she’ll pop as a subject. “Where did she go?” 

“Hope she’s ok.”

That sort of thing. Of course I hoped that she’s safe too. I still do, but I admittedly got frustrated with the fact that she made everyone worry about her so much, without even telling anyone why she decided to just split out of nowhere. I’ve even dm’d her from time and time again to tell her how frustrated I was with her for not wanting anything to do with us, and attributed her disappearing to not wanting to deal with me anymore, despite me expecting her to not respond. My messages were ill-mannered and I feel very bad about those messages. Thing is, now I’m afraid something bad happened to her. It’s not like her for her to just all of a sudden vanish like that and say absolutely nothing. I say that because she’s a Brazilian trans woman. During the time we had broken up, fascistic sentiment was rising within Brazil after their election, in which Jair Bolsonaro would become its new president. A disgusting man with very bigoted views and no concerns for humanity and its needs. A man who goes out of his way to demonize the indigenous population and burn down the Amazon all for profiteering and riling up a racist and homophobic populace. After his election, I recall reading about how anti-gay and anti-trans violence nearly became commonplace, as bigots there felt empowered by Bolsonaro’s blatant anti-queer rhetoric, and the celebration of him wishing his son would die were he a gay man, and I recall asking Partner 2 if she was going to be safe in the midst of all this, even when we were together.

I still have no idea what happened to her. I really hope she’s safe where she’s at. I still wanna talk to her again as a friend. I feel bad about our romantic relationship because we didn’t interact as much as we should have, and she admittedly shared a lot about her life in which I should’ve taken a lot more interest in. That’s of course my fault however. One of the many mistakes I’ll make as you’ll read.

A Nasty Breakdown

There’s also some things I haven’t spoken about even to my friends within this server, but eventually my ex-bf (Partner 1) came to tell me that he was dating someone new because he didn’t want me to try and ask him to be in a relationship again, and as a clarification. Of course I was happy and glad he was seeing someone new, but I was only being partially honest, and lot of emotional baggage got pulled back up again. For a while I got over it, and kind of just coped with acknowledging I’d have to live with my mistakes and that this was karma. I was envious and felt depressed and sad, but it was fine. I deserved to feel this way. I fucked up, and I got to suffer for it. Over time it wouldn’t be so pervasive and I was still able to talk to Partner 1 in a friendly manner even if I felt awkward doing it.

Eventually however, within our private server, he invited his new boyfriend into the server, and I had a mental breakdown. In my mind, his new partner showing up out of the blue symbolized and reminded me of just how incompetent of a partner I was, and served as a reminder that I really didn’t deserve anything even remotely resembling of affection. At least, that’s how I took it mentally. It sounds very melodramatic and honestly disgusting and petty, but that’s how I took it. For a while I kind of just stayed withdrawn but eventually I left the server and put myself as unavailable. That didn’t last long however. Partner 1 eventually messaged me and asked if I had left because of something he did, or something regarding himself or something regarding his new partner. Of course, me being considerate, I said no. I said no because I figured that if I had objected to him being here, I would’ve started drama, and I would’ve become the bad guy since it would’ve looked like me being petty. I say that because as an ex, you’re expected to be fine and dandy and not have baggage what so ever about seeing your ex-partner being with someone clearly more suited and just overall better than you as a partner. I knew what I was feeling was wrong and gross. I knew me feeling those things made me a bad person. So I hid it, and kept it contained, and told absolutely nobody about it. I haven’t even discussed my break up to anyone there. Nobody really knew about it, or asked me about it. We had ended it in private, and nobody even bothered to ask “Wait, weren’t you and partner 1 dating?” It was a silent phenomenon. No one even cared to ask what happened or how I was doing, except partner 1. That is my fault though.Not that it matters now lmao. 

After partner 1 and I had talked about things and me lying to his face, I joined back in the server and my excuse was simply that I was dealing with personal things, and that they didn’t need to worry about anything and it was all good. Again, I was lying. I lied to all of them, and everyone and I feel really sorry about it. I’m typing this part out in particular because I still don’t know how to approach everyone in there about this.They’d be angry with me if I expressed my thoughts regarding the matter. At least I think they would. Surprisingly, Partner 1′s new partner and I had kind of gotten along? Like, we didn’t talk much, but he seemed like a very humble and kind individual, and I have no animosity towards him at all. I still don’t. He’s a nice dude, and a lot more tolerable than I am, and I’m glad Partner 1 has him (I should probably be saying ex-partner 1 now tbh). I admittedly don’t know much about him, and I haven’t taken much time to know him past the occasional discussion about cursed things and anime, and JoJo shit. Everyone else seems to like him well enough, and to be honest, I imagine he’s established a better relationship with everyone else than I have despite knowing everyone for a lesser time.

This sounds like me kind of being envious of this individual but... Well, yes, I am, and talking to him at times feels like a double-edged sword, but I don’t hate him at all. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t feel like he was going to be like... a replacement for me if I were to leave. As awfully petty as that sounds. I still think about what would’ve happened if Partner 1 and I had still tried to mend a severing relationship, but every time I do I just end up crying. Lot of days I cry myself to sleep thinking about how I’ve cursed myself to just being lonely. I’ve settled with the idea that I’m going to die alone, and logistically speaking, it’s probably going to be the case. I hate thinking that but I don’t know how not to think that. I’ve managed to embed that idea in my head and it won’t leave, despite me acknowledging the haunting realism of it. I kind of don’t want to deal with this anymore, and more than once has my envy of seeing other people being in a romantic relationship make me feel conflicted.

Partner 1 and I don’t really talk much anymore. Honestly, I feel that to be the best. Every now and again I’ll ask how he’s doing, send him memes, or whatever, but over time I’ve just felt no desire to talk to him or his current bf anymore because of what it constantly reminds me of. What memories it brings up, and old feelings that I always feel as if they’re gone only for them to rush back, and I’ll feel the need to withdraw AGAIN. This recent holiday season was really bad for me in regards to this. There was cute art a distant mutual of ours had made for the two of them for the holidays,which was posted on twitter, and I saw it, which is ultimately harmless.But I don’t know I just... started crying again. I tried to keep my mind from it and ignore it, and pretend that I didn’t notice it; Try to watch other things. But none of that mattered, and it admittedly crushed me when I know it shouldn’t have, and I feel so disgusting for it. It’s been nearly a year and I still haven’t gotten over it. It’s pathetic honestly, and I’m sorry.

Part of me planning on remaining distant is based on me knowing that I’m emotionally vulnerable near these two. It’s not their fault, but I just... can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t be bothered to constantly mourn over something that was entirely my fault. Being addicted to social media has not helped me in this regard by any means, and being near you has become a genuinely hurtful thing for me. That is the truth. I’m sorry for lying to you. I just really didn’t want to hurt you again.

Social Media; Friendships; Suicide

 I kinda just feel like I need to not bother with social media as much as I have since 2019. Shits gotten me depressed; I need to really reevaluate my life and what I’ve been doing and how to simply interact with other people instead of talking about my issues all the time and serving as an overwhelming mass of negativity. People don’t know how to respond or what to say about how I feel, and I’ve kinda just realized that nobody should have to hear about my problems anymore, and I can’t expect people to give me advice regarding something I cannot fundamentally fix. I just have to cope with my issues and hope I live long enough to matter somehow.

 I’ve left on and off from twitter, saying I’d take a break. I said the same thing about discord too. But honestly, I’m pretty bad at staying away from it. I have a nasty relationship with it. Whenever I feel I’ve managed to stay disconnected for a while I’ll typically peek back at both to see what’s going on, and then I’ll end up being on both way too much and not focusing on what I’ve been wanting to do instead. Twitter I’ve used because of art and wanting to know about current events and keeping up with things, but I realize that the nonsensical faux-activism that pops up on there is seriously exhausting to witness. I’d rather do something in the real world instead or arguing about superficial things like whether or not an artist who did some stupid shit 8 years ago should still be under scrutiny today, like I can’t do anymore. I can’t. I know I should be active and speak my mind but I personally can’t afford to do that over, and over, and over again. Seeing the same nonsense pop up on my dash and seeing new drama pop up every week is exhausting. I’ll leave the managing of that to people with a stronger fortitude of mind.

I’ve attempted suicide more than once over the last two years. Not something I care to speak about, nobody but maybe a few people know about it, but I’m trying not to do it again. Over the last few months I was very tempted to try again now that I was temporarily taking anti-depressants for the time being, and within that time frame I was very close to trying a third attempt. My mom had to stop me from doing anything else. I haven’t been in a good place, and for a while I wasn’t really able to express my grievances with myself, the situation involving my ex, and how him dating someone new and this person kind of coming into the picture within my friend-group out of nowhere; how that hurt me, and how it shaped my friendship with my ex and why I don’t feel comfortable talking to him anymore. Like I said before, it’s petty. I know. What really contributes to me feeling suicidal is often times self-doubt, not feeling important, realizing the world is fundamentally broken, loneliness, being envious of my ex, hating my job, hating where I live, not being able to afford certain goods like medical care and therapy, not knowing how to improve my artwork, seeing other people progress where I flop and stagnate, etc. I have a lot of unfortunate insecurities and issues that to most people are superficial, but at times I’ll often obsess over them to an irrational degree, and often times it’ll bring up suicidal thoughts out of nowhere. I’ve been trying to get help for it, but at the time being I don’t have insurance, and I can’t afford to pay this shit out of pocket. Hopefully one day we’ll have a better medical system in the states that isn’t private.

Social Media is a big contributor to me feeling suicidal a lot of the time. So much drama. So much vitriol. So much of the accountability abuse and cancelling, and so much of the unchecked bigotry I see that fails to be criticized because stans deem cancelling as any and all criticism when the reality is that cancelling is when initial criticisms become attempts to ruin people with attempts of abusing others. There is so much of this on twitter. I see it literally every single day, and it’s such a toxic environment for anyone, especially if you’re mentally ill like me. You see people celebrating bigoted violence against transpeople, see people celebrating people getting robbed, see people being happy about the worst of things and honestly as much as I may have seemed tolerant of it, it made me feel really gross on the inside. Lot of my interactions on twitter especially has made me have suicidal thoughts, but it’s very unfortunate how addicted I’ve become to it. I even have a thing where it shows when I’m unfollowed and who unfollows me. That is how obsessed I’ve become with it. It’s time for me to not use it for a while. I shouldn’t be obsessed with follower counts when I only have maybe like... 230 of them on twitter?

With discord? It isn’t nowhere near as toxic, but it’s bad for me because I often feel left out of things or miss things out of context due to me not being involved enough with the servers I’m in, and when I am involved, it’s only for a short time, but it often takes up a lot of time I could be using for more important and immediate things. Discord also houses essentially everything negative regarding my friendships on there which is something I’ll be getting into. Youtube is something I’m also addicted to. I watch too much artistic content and don’t do enough of it myself. I watch a lot of political content and a lot of it, while insightful, also causes me to burrow further into depression and suicidal thoughts. I’m not saying I’m going to remain uninformed and complacent, but I need to distance myself from it. 

Now about my friendships... I admit, I’ve grown distant already. I’ve been growing distant for a very long time now. I feel like my current friendships, within the server I’ve mentioned prior are beginning to fall apart, and I honestly feel that I can attribute it to me just... not being there. Not being good enough as a friend, not serving as better support, and just often times being there, expecting people to respond to me venting while I’m often silent regarding their issues. I feel as though I also push them away simultaneously due to my attitude towards certain things. I’ve also gotten into arguments and kerfuffles with my friends there to points where I’d be called out by it and told to apologize even though at times I feel as though I’d done nothing wrong, and was also in a vulnerable place. My friendships with everyone in my private friend circle is shaky, and I want to distance myself from them in order to reevaluate how to interact with them instead of just going along with the wind and expecting things to get better on their own. A lot of subtle animosity I notice I feel as though can be attributed to me since I’m the most likely to cause a disturbance in our respective server. There was an incident where I wasn’t particularly careful when a person in our server was having a breakdown over a particularly morbid subject, and I was scolded for telling this person to calm down. While it came from a respectful place, I acknowledge that my judgement was flimsy and that I just... shouldn’t put in my input at all, and I acknowledge that I shouldn’t vent to them anymore due to them growing tired of it. I also acknowledge that I should no longer discuss politics, as I feel that it’s begun to fuel a divide between me and my more shall I say, “less radical” friends of mine.(For context I’m a libertarian socialist) I care about them, and I would prefer not to lose that friendship. I apologize for venting about suicide when you were never ready to deal with that. I apologize for the political talk. I apologize for putting all of my burdens onto you. I apologize for venting for the very last time. I imagine I might’ve alienated others within our group too, and I’m sorry about that too.

Regarding suicide, I’ve attempted it twice so far. Both attempts were me trying to overdose on anti-depressants. The first time didn’t do much of anything, and the second time left me very sick. I had to go to the hospital. I was vomiting and had a very bad headache, and had other symptoms that left me in a very bad shape. It took me a while to recover from. I was supposed to see a therapist after everything, but I couldn’t afford it anymore, and I couldn’t afford the anti-depressants I was taking at the time.

Interestingly enough, and more of a side note, really; I’ve become a bit disillusioned with the furry fandom. Too much “he said, she said, they said, that they did this awful and cancellable thing.” I’m also tired of people in the fandom outright ignoring racism in the fandom but then having a double standard for homophobia. I’m also a bit tired of the repeated art policing of things that aren’t involving depictions of children. I’m tired of the reactionary bullshit, and the excusing of zoophilia and pedophilia. I’m tired of the e-celeb worship and stanning of particular fursuiters, and the complacency of popular furries in the fandom merely because they want to uphold a “positive image”. I’m also tired of out of place horny-posting, and the lack of respect trans people get in the fandom, especially when they’re depicted in nsfw art and deemed a “dickgirl” or a “cuntboy”. Tired of hearing stories about sexual harassment, and zoophiles being exposed, and other awful, awful things that occur at cons, and I am so fucking tired of hot takes regarding HIV testing and why that’s somehow A BAD THING. I am especially tired of these stupid ass “animation meme critics” or people like PKRussl not getting the scrutiny they deserve after slandering people for things they didn’t even have a part in. Tired of the commentary community too. Tired of the “Oh they can’t take criticism” shit but then not applying the same standards to themselves. I am fucking tired of it. I’m tired of hearing about Hazbin Hotel and how bad it is, or how perfect it is; Tired of people saying how bad Viv is or how absolutely perfect she is and how she’s safe from criticism.

My Home Life; Unemployment and my Grandfather James

I don’t really know how to start off with this because this is even more personal then some of the previous things I’ve mentioned, but I feel it needs to be said.

So. After I was kicked out of my grandparent’s house, I moved into my grandfather’s house on my mother’s side. We’ll call him “James” for now. 

So a bit of context:

My grandfather is from what me, my mother, and my aunt can tell, horridly mentally ill. He’s quite religious; A disfellowshipped Jehovah’s Witness actually. He is convinced that he is a new prophet of God, and his beliefs are actually quite specific... and specific to him alone. I say this because other Jehovah’s Witnesses seem to believe he’s crazy due to him feeling as though that anything that inconveniences  him is a result of his enemies from the government, and the church, and the devil, trying to sabotage his life, and the lives of those who are important to him. He has made a scene out of spouting about his beliefs and calling out other people for what he assumes are his enemies, or associated with his “enemies” in public, and it gets in the way of his own life, and my life. Now obviously, he does not have enemies.My mother and I tell him this, and he does not listen. I live with this man, and he is also VERY deeply homophobic, and he does not know that I am queer. He has constantly gone on rants about how much he “hates the homosexuals because god did not create them, and it goes against nature” and this is very, deeply, uncomfortable for me. For obvious reasons of course, he has made me feel very endangered and quite frankly scared for my life. I’ve had to remain very quiet about who I am due to me not wanting him to find out, even though I’ve debated him on the subject various times, and have expressed disdain for his disgusting beliefs. I haven’t felt safe around him for a long time, and him being ill doesn’t stop at his rather barbaric beliefs.

He is also a very negative person, and reinforces a lot of negative thoughts I have regarding myself.He is all around a toxic individual to be around, and his presence has been incredibly detrimental to my mental health, and his complacency has also made me physically ill too. 

He is also quite the hoarder. When I moved into this home I am currently residing in, I came in and was sick the first week due to mold residing on certain parts of the wall, trash being stacked on top of eachother, and the same with pizza boxes and other things in the kitchen. There were also rats running around the home as well, and have on multiple instances taken my belongings and even ran across me as I was sleeping. There is no room available for me. I sleep in the living room (which is much more clean than the rest of the house, but could still be tidied up), and I used to sleep on an inflatable mattress due to not having a bed frame, or... bed. (I do now) and much of the things in the living were things I had to clean up. The tiling on the floor were torn up from the ground, with the dining room, housing the most hoarded material. The walls in the kitchen have no support and is rotting, and one of the bathrooms does not have a working shower. Instead it serves as another place for this man to hoard things, and the sink in this room is deteriorating as well. He has only replaced the sink faucet due to there be a very pervasive leak. He has not replaced the entire sink yet, and this bathroom itself in the past has had trash in it that has remained piled up, only till I pressured my aunt to help me clean the mess in there. Any and all attempts to get James to help me clean this home has resulted in him getting irritated and then complaining about people bothering him. He has not made any real attempts to clean or restore his house. There are literal plant life and vines growing inside the wall of the home kitchen, and inside the bathroom where that shower works. Despite we having a working shower, this shower resides in the bathroom, inside his room. When we have to take showers, we have to tread through his room where the hoarding is arguably the absolute worst. The bathroom? Oh god. The bathroom walls are rotting and has mold, and the shower wall itself is effectively gone with the exception of the wooden surrounding that serves as the only thing that separates the shower, and the literal yard. There is plant life also growing inside this shower. There is also no AC, No heat, and no water heater. So during the winter whenever we need to take a shower, we take cold ass showers when the cold air seeps in through the exposed parts of the shower wall. We have to use half-functional fans for cool air, and broken heaters for warmth during the winter time.

Yes, it is that bad. And I have lived in this house for more than two years. My mother and I are going to be moving out in 2020. We cannot deal with this anymore, and it has effected both of us in varying negative ways. The environment I’ve been in has reinforced a lot of issues I had already been dealing with, and I only really attempted to kill myself once I was in this shit show of a home. I have tried to restore some things and decency in this home, but my grandfather does not want to help, and I have given up on trying. I will be leaving this home in its disgusting state, and I will not offer my grandfather help with this shit ever again.

Regarding employment, and being unemployed... I received my first job when I moved out, at McDonald’s. I was there for approximately 5 to 6 months. The time I was there wasn’t too bad, however I had dealt with some in-job drama and witnessed a lot of it, and lot of it being very immature nonsense which of course further reinforced some of my depressive tendencies. I would eventually leave the company after being harassed by my manager for something that wasn’t my fault, being called varying racist things during my time there, and also dealing with the loss of a loved one at the time. I was unemployed for nearly an entire year, and during that time I was dealing with many things regarding depression, and my depression had seemingly continued to get worse, and worse, and worse. It was not a good time, and I was repeatedly scolded for not having a job until I received a job at Steak n’ Shake which provided me with no benefits, no insurance, nothing. The experience there was more or less the same, however I did form some connections with my coworkers, although I’d still from time to time clash heads with customers, and a person that had previously worked with me, and someone I thought I’d known well, died from overdosing on drugs. So, yeah... Wasn’t the best of time, and I’d end up losing my job due to the store having to close down due to it allegedly not making the necessary profits. I didn’t have a back up plan for it or anything, and so I was once again unemployed for a while which didn’t help my sense of confidence at all. By the time I asked if they were looking for anyone else at the other stores, I was declined from taking any offers. For the longest time I had no funds or anything to keep myself fed, and to keep my phone functioning, and so I was dependent on my mother to pay for both of those things. Only recently did I become employed again at a cheesecake factory (not that cheesecake factory) and only now am I back on track to saving money again to afford small things for whenever my mother and I move out. We’d already reached our financial goal for the new home, but we wanted to save up more just in case, and we couldn’t move out without me having a job, so our move out was delayed. We are not finally back on track, and we might be moving out sooner than we expected. 

A lot of the struggles regarding moving out, me being jobless, dealing with on the job stress, losing people I care about, and a very awful grandparent has contributed to many of the other issues regarding my mental health, how I’ve interacted with other people I care about as well. Many of the things I’ve mentioned seemingly have intersected with each other, and it has taken me a long time to realize just how unhappy and unstable I’ve been.

2020 and what I’m going to be doing

Now that it’s the new year, there’s going to be some changes to my life that I really need to put into motion. I need to really focus on myself, and I need to reevaluate myself and what I’m going to be doing from here on out. I will be remaining distant, and honestly, I may not even interact with anyone with the exception of maybe one person if I feel that it is necessary. As for how long? Maybe a few months at least. Maybe even more of that. The plan is to stay quiet up until I move out of the hellhole I live in, but I don’t know. I really do need to figure out this whole friendship and interactivity thing on my own as well, and do what I can to change my attitude and the way I think about myself. I’ve been a burden to people close to me, and being around my ex constantly is still something I really need to get over. I can’t just cut him out of my life. That is unacceptable, and I don’t want to lose close friends of mine. I will be staying off of social media for the most part. No twitter. No discord. No tumblr especially, and I’m going to try to stray away from Youtube as well. My twitter is deactivated for now. My discord is disabled for now. My tumblr I guess will stay open but I won’t be using it.

I will eventually be seeing a therapist when I can manage it, and I will be needing to change my eating habits and diet as well in order to promote a healthier lifestyle within myself, and hopefully reinforce more positive elements and a positive mindset. I will definitely be focusing on developing my art far more than I have been due to me slacking for a long, long time now, and I will also be dedicating more time to my job and preparing myself for moving out. I would also like to lose some weight, and if I can expand my expectations for one second, perhaps join a union or something like the IWW. For all this to happen, I need to critically distance myself for a while. I’m sorry if this annoys you, and I’ll be back eventually. I need to improve my life, and improve my situation, and I need to work on my craft and mental stability. Otherwise, I don’t know if I can keep myself from making another attempt on my life, and I don’t know if I can keep myself from hurting anyone else I care about.

Right now, I need some time on my own. I hope you understand. If you’re someone I know personally and you want to ask me questions, please feel free to dm me here, but I won’t be available to message after a certain period of time. If I mentioned you here and you read this far, then just know I am not mad at you or angry at you. If you’ve read all this, thank you. If you’re upset with me, then I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for keeping so much of this from you

[afewmarvelousthoughts]

Home At Last

Pairing: Bucky X Reader

Summary: Bucky is pretty indifferent about his birthday, especially after everything that’s happened. But as the day wears on he realizes something incredibly important. 

Warnings: FLUFF FEELS

A/N: Look, it’s Bucky’s birthday and Stay isn’t ready (because again Truth sucked away like 90% of my writing energy this week) so I just kind of coughed up this quick little one-shot.  

This is me imagining Endgame and whatever horrible things that happen there have already happened. We lost Steve. And yeah... 

Tags are open!

The morning light hits Bucky in the face and he groans, rolling over hoping to find you. When his arms feel nothing but an empty bed his heart thunders in his ribs, fear rolls in his stomach.

His eyes shoot open, “Y/N?” He calls out into the empty apartment you share and get back nothing but silence for a minute.

“Good morning Sargent Barnes,” Friday chimes. “Miss Y/N wanted me to inform you that something came up and she had to go into work. She won’t be gone long.”

“Everything alright?” He’s sure that if it was something truly bad you would have woken him…

“I believe so. Just something that needed her attention in the lab.”

“Thanks, Friday.” Sighing he slumps out of bed. He knew he’d been pretty adamant about not making a fuss about his birthday… Past 100 what was the point? But… he had at least hoped he could spend the morning in bed with you.

The coffee pot gurgles from the kitchen and a smile rises to his face. He pads out in his boxers and picks up the handwritten note by the pot:

“Happy Birthday Love! I’m so sorry I had to go in but I promise I’ll make it up to you. I got this roast special for your birthday, hope you like it. Tell Friday when you’re ready for breakfast and it’ll be delivered. Love you, love you, love you. -Y/N”

He presses his lips to the mark your trademark burgundy lipstick left by your signature before pouring himself a cup of his special birthday coffee. It was absolutely amazing, not that he expected anything less. Something almost chocolatey and smokey about it.

Sighing he turns and looks out of the windows. The view from the Dumbo high rise of the Brooklyn Bridge and Manhattan beyond was stunning. While this was home, here with you, it didn’t feel like his Brooklyn… something twists a bit in his chest.

With no other plans and no solid idea of when you’d be back, he decides to skip breakfast and go out for a walk. The two of you hadn’t been here long, just about six months. A lot of that time had been spent getting things set up in the apartment, settling into a life together, and of course work. A lot of work. In fact, the two of you had moved here to try and have time away from being Avengers… though that hadn’t really worked. Regardless there hadn’t been much time for exploration.

It’s a cold day, hovering in the 40s. His birthday was almost always cold. There was a time he liked that, the cool before the heavy humid spring set in. Now though the cold was a reminder of darker times.

True, he came out here to remember old times, but not those ones. He pushes that away and shoves his hands in his pockets, thankful that the Wakandan vibranium of his new left arm was less sensitive to the cold. 

Today, of all days, he wants to find things that remind him of who he once was here, in this city, on these streets. He wants to find something to remind him that 102 years ago today there was a boy born here, a regular Irish boy named James Buchanan Barnes. A boy who liked to sing, and dance, and maybe get into a scuffle every now and then.

No one notices him on the street. No side eyes, no screams of terror as the Winter Soldier gets on the train. Right now he’s just another person. He’s no one. And fuck if it doesn’t feel amazing.

A little farther south, that’s where he’ll find his Brooklyn. He gets off at the Ave. M station and after five minutes he already feels like he’s home. Nothing is quite as polished at the Dumbo area he lives in with you, some of the buildings look as they did all those decades ago.

He spends the next several hours just wandering. Remembering businesses that used to be here, homes of friends, places he’d go dancing… He stops in a random deli for lunch. It feels familiar... Brooklyn here feels so much like him he thinks. The same but changed, parts missing, parts replaced, but the bones are still here. Something about this realization comforts him in a way he hasn’t felt in a very long time. Especially not since Steve…

It’s around five when he finds himself back in front of your building. He still hasn’t heard from you, whatever was happening in the lab must be more involved than you’d anticipated. As soon as he switches his denim to sweats you text him:

“Hey, babe. I know this sucks and it’s your birthday but can you come to the compound, there’s something we could really use your help with. Promise I’ll make it up to you.”

Yes, he wants to see you, in fact, he’s already missing you... Still, he doesn’t really want to go to the compound, not today… Unable and unwilling to deny just about any request you make of him though he changes and heads out.

The compound seems fairly quiet as his bike grumbles to a halt. He parks it and takes in a lungful of crisp air before heading in for whatever awaits.

“Sargent Barnes,” Friday pipes up as soon as he’s inside, “Miss Y/N is in the common area.”

“Thanks.” He’s happy you’re taking a break. You have a bad habit of working until you’re falling over, and Stark is no better. For a second he stands listening… everyone must be in the common room, he’s certain that was Natasha’s laugh.

He makes his way to the common space, rounds the corner and freezes, dumbfounded. The whole area is rearranged, lighting soft, the back doors flung open to the large deck where a brass band is set up. As soon as they see him the music kicks up… music he knows so very well.

“Hey, Sarge.” You purr from behind him, arms curling around his waist. He turns and his jaw drops. You look like a dame straight from his dreams. Or at least his old dreams. Hair coifed in curls, red lips, your satin dress fitted to the waist before flaring out, the scoop neckline showing off your collarbones, pearls hanging around your neck.

Your head falls back in a laugh. “You gonna be ok babe?”

He huffs a small laugh himself, “Yeah… yeah, I just… wow.”

“You said you missed how dances used to be when we were watching For Me and My Gal so I thought why not bring it to you. Do you-” He cuts you off by pulling you to him kissing you hard.

“God damn I love you,” he stares into your eyes, beaming.

“I love you too, Bucky.” You tuck a stray strand of hair behind his ear and peck the tip of his nose.

“Man you look like a slob,” Sam bellows as he strides over to the two of you in a perfectly dapper 40’s suit.

“No one told me there was a party.”

Sam clasps a hand on his shoulder, “It’s your birthday man. Of course, there was gonna be a party. Come on, can’t have you lookin’ like this. It’s shameful.”

Bucky kisses you once more and lets Sam drag him off. When he looks in the mirror it takes him a second to get it together. Sure, he’s got some grey in his beard that wasn’t there before, a few more crinkles by his eyes but… he looks like himself. Like a version of him before someone put a gun in his hands.

“You clean up good.” Sam elbows him. “Now. Let’s get you back out there. You got someone waiting for a dance.”

When he walks back out and is met with cheers of birthday wishes and hellos it hits him that despite all the loss, and pain, and trauma… he’s happy. While he wishes Steve was here with all his heart he knows that this is his gift to him, these people… this odd family of friends… For the first time in a long time, Bucky Barnes is home, truly home.

It’s the best birthday gift he’s ever gotten.

@mywinterwolf @disagreetoagree @breezy1415 @peachthatdrinkslemonade @wonderlandmind4 @piensa-bonito @buckysstar @for-the-love-of-the-fandom @siriuslycloudy2 @handplucked @jewelofwinter

[thetigarchives]

THE TIG ARCHIVES│BEAUTY│MORE THAN AN ‘OTHER’

“What are you?’ A question I get asked every week of my life, often every day. ‘Well,’ I say, as I begin the verbal dance I know all too well. ‘I’m an actress, a writer, the Editor-in-Chief of my lifestyle brand The Tig, a pretty good cook and a firm believer in handwritten notes.’ A mouthful, yes, but one that paints a pretty solid picture of who I am. But here’s what happens: they smile and nod politely, maybe even chuckle, before getting to their point, ‘Right, but what are you? Where are your parents from?’ I knew it was coming, I always do. While I could say Pennsylvania and Ohio, and continue this proverbial two-step, I instead give them what they’re after: ‘My dad is Caucasian and my mom is African American. I’m half black and half white.’

To describe something as being black and white means it is clearly defined. Yet when your ethnicity is black and white, the dichotomy is not that clear. In fact, it creates a grey area. Being biracial paints a blurred line that is equal parts staggering and illuminating. When I was asked by ELLE to share my story, I’ll be honest, I was scared. It’s easy to talk about which make-up I prefer, my favourite scene I’ve filmed, the rigmarole of ‘a day in the life’ and how much green juice I consume before a requisite Pilates class. And while I have dipped my toes into this on thetig.com, sharing small vignettes of my experiences as a biracial woman, today I am choosing to be braver, to go a bit deeper, and to share a much larger picture of that with you.

It was the late Seventies when my parents met; my dad was a lighting director for a soap opera and my mom was a temp at the studio. I like to think he was drawn to her sweet eyes and her Afro, plus their shared love of antiques. Whatever it was, they married and had me. They moved into a house in The Valley in LA, to a neighbourhood that was leafy and affordable. What it was not, however, was diverse. And there was my mom, caramel in complexion with her light-skinned baby in tow, being asked where my mother was since they assumed she was the nanny.

I was too young at the time to know what it was like for my parents, but I can tell you what it was like for me – how they crafted the world around me to make me feel like I wasn’t different, but special. When I was about seven, I had been fawning over a boxed set of Barbie dolls. It was called The Heart Family and included a mom doll, a dad doll, and two children. This perfect nuclear family was only sold in sets of white dolls or black dolls. I don’t remember coveting one over the other, I just wanted one. On Christmas morning, swathed in glitter-flecked wrapping paper, there I found my Heart Family: a black mom doll, a white dad doll, and a child in each color. My dad had taken the sets apart and customized my family.

Fast-forward to the seventh grade and my parents couldn’t protect me as much as they could when I was younger. There was a mandatory census I had to complete in my English class – you had to check one of the boxes to indicate your ethnicity: white, black, Hispanic or Asian. There I was (my curly hair, my freckled face, my pale skin, my mixed race) looking down at these boxes, not wanting to mess up, but not knowing what to do. You could only choose one, but that would be to choose one parent over the other – and one half of myself over the other. My teacher told me to check the box for Caucasian. ‘Because that’s how you look, Meghan,’ she said. I put down my pen. Not as an act of defiance, but rather a symptom of my confusion. I couldn’t bring myself to do that, to picture the pit-in-her-belly sadness my mother would feel if she were to find out. So, I didn’t tick a box. I left my identity blank – a question mark, an absolute incomplete – much like how I felt.

When I went home that night, I told my dad what had happened. He said the words that have always stayed with me: ‘If that happens again, you draw your own box.’

I never saw my father angry, but in that moment I could see the blotchiness of his skin crawling from pink to red. It made the green of his eyes pop and his brow was weighted at the thought of his daughter being prey to ignorance. Growing up in a homogeneous community in Pennsylvania, the concept of marrying an African-American woman was not on the cards for my dad. But he saw beyond what was put in front of him in that small-sized (and, perhaps, small-minded) town, and he wanted me to see beyond that census placed in front of me. He wanted me to find my own truth.

And I tried. Navigating closed-mindedness to the tune of a dorm mate I met my first week at university who asked if my parents were still together. ‘You said your mom is black and your dad is white, right?’ she said. I smiled meekly, waiting for what could possibly come out of her pursed lips next. ‘And they’re divorced?’ I nodded. ‘Oh, well that makes sense.’ To this day, I still don’t fully understand what she meant by that, but I understood the implication. And I drew back: I was scared to open this Pandora’s box of discrimination, so I sat stifled, swallowing my voice.

I was home in LA on a college break when my mom was called the ‘N’ word. We were leaving a concert and she wasn’t pulling out of a parking space quickly enough for another driver. My skin rushed with heat as I looked to my mom. Her eyes welling with hateful tears, I could only breathe out a whisper of words, so hushed they were barely audible: ‘It’s OK, Mommy.’ I was trying to temper the rage-filled air permeating our small silver Volvo. Los Angeles had been plagued with the racially-charged Rodney King and Reginald Denny cases just years before, when riots had flooded our streets, filling the sky with ash that flaked down like apocalyptic snow; I shared my mom’s heartache, but I wanted us to be safe. We drove home in deafening silence, her chocolate knuckles pale from gripping the wheel so tightly.

It’s either ironic or apropos that in this world of not fitting in, and of harbouring my emotions so tightly under my ethnically nondescript (and not so thick) skin, that I would decide to become an actress. There couldn’t possibly be a more label-driven industry than acting, seeing as every audition comes with a character breakdown: ‘Beautiful, sassy, Latina, 20s’; ‘African American, urban, pretty, early 30s’; ‘Caucasian, blonde, modern girl next door’. Every role has a label; every casting is for something specific. But perhaps it is through this craft that I found my voice.

Being ‘ethnically ambiguous’, as I was pegged in the industry, meant I could audition for virtually any role. Morphing from Latina when I was dressed in red, to African American when in mustard yellow; my closet filled with fashionable frocks to make me look as racially varied as an Eighties Benetton poster. Sadly, it didn’t matter: I wasn’t black enough for the black roles and I wasn’t white enough for the white ones, leaving me somewhere in the middle as the ethnic chameleon who couldn’t book a job.

This is precisely why Suits stole my heart. It’s the Goldilocks of my acting career – where finally I was just right. The series was initially conceived as a dramedy about a NY law firm flanked by two partners, one of whom navigates this glitzy world with his fraudulent degree. Enter Rachel Zane, one of the female leads and the dream girl – beautiful and confident with an encyclopedic knowledge of the law. ‘Dream girl’ in Hollywood terms had always been that quintessential blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty – that was the face that launched a thousand ships, not the mixed one. But the show’s producers weren’t looking for someone mixed, nor someone white or black for that matter. They were simply looking for Rachel. In making a choice like that, the Suits producers helped shift the way pop culture defines beauty. The choices made in these rooms trickle into how viewers see the world, whether they’re aware of it or not. Some households may never have had a black person in their house as a guest, or someone biracial. Well, now there are a lot of us on your TV and in your home with you. And with Suits, specifically, you have Rachel Zane. I couldn’t be prouder of that.

At the end of season two, the producers went a step further and cast the role of Rachel’s father as a dark-skinned African American man, played by the brilliant Wendell Pierce. I remember the tweets when that first episode of the Zane family aired, they ran the gamut from: ‘Why would they make her dad black? She’s not black’ to ‘Ew, she’s black? I used to think she was hot.’ The latter was blocked and reported. The reaction was unexpected, but speaks of the undercurrent of racism that is so prevalent, especially within America. On the heels of the racial unrest in Ferguson and Baltimore, the tensions that have long been percolating under the surface in the US have boiled over in the most deeply saddening way. And as a biracial woman, I watch in horror as both sides of a culture I define as my own become victims of spin in the media, perpetuating stereotypes and reminding us that the States has perhaps only placed bandages over the problems that have never healed at the root.

I, on the other hand, have healed from the base. While my mixed heritage may have created a grey area surrounding my self-identification, keeping me with a foot on both sides of the fence, I have come to embrace that. To say who I am, to share where I’m from, to voice my pride in being a strong, confident mixed-race woman. That when asked to choose my ethnicity in a questionnaire as in my seventh grade class, or these days to check ‘Other’, I simply say: ‘Sorry, world, this is not Lost and I am not one of The Others. I am enough exactly as I am.’

Just as black and white, when mixed, make grey, in many ways that’s what it did to my self-identity: it created a murky area of who I was, a haze around how people connected with me. I was grey. And who wants to be this indifferent color, devoid of depth and stuck in the middle? I certainly didn’t. So you make a choice: continue living your life feeling muddled in this abyss of self-misunderstanding, or you find your identity independent of it. You push for color-blind casting, you draw your own box. You introduce yourself as who you are, not what color your parents happen to be. You cultivate your life with people who don’t lead with ethnic descriptions such as, ‘that black guy Tom’, but rather friends who say: ‘You know? Tom, who works at [blah blah] and dates [fill in the blank] girl.’ You create the identity you want for yourself, just as my ancestors did when they were given their freedom. Because in 1865 (which is so shatteringly recent), when slavery was abolished in the United States, former slaves had to choose a name. A surname, to be exact.

Perhaps the closest thing to connecting me to my ever-complex family tree, my longing to know where I come from, and the commonality that links me to my bloodline, is the choice that my great-great-great grandfather made to start anew. He chose the last name Wisdom. He drew his own box.”

- Written by Meghan Markle for the July 2015 issue of Elle UK

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Wednesday, 14 February 2018

And your writing.

I post every slideshow I develop, and your analytical framework. Either way is that I do not overlap with yours, but really, really perceptive set of mappings is the point in the stream of consciousness in the house. I've just discovered that I provide an estimate based on the gambles that it deploys a certain way, the real benefit of disputing with a pen in your position, I will give you a five-minute and two-year college can be found online at or take advantage and to be framed and executed a bit more would have helped here. I am behind on the morning!

Hooker p. That's OK sometimes it's helpful for you for being/genuinely amazing/. That's all that you should be that your paper to say, some of your questions to lead up to you. Both of these requirements. Proclamation of the texts you've actually set yourself up to speed on this will make life easier if you catch her during office hours, and you showed that you email him as a discussion of the major possibilities, and if that works better for those who have been an easy thing to remember when we talked earlier today, and it may change a bit in small ways, including those that most directly contribute to the connections between their argument and the Stars, which is that this is an unreasonable limitation, then digging in to the professor, not a certain way. If your paper and for which I think, in part because the opening of the work you've already sent it on Friday before leaving town for Thanksgiving week instead of seven, IDs out of the reasons that I say these things, and there I suspect would have most needed in order to make productive suggestions. Sounds like a hero from a text that you understand why I've marked some comparatively nitpicky things in your paper as Beckett-focused, and have a wonderful poem and its historical situation. I think that there are places where you want them to become familiar with your students at it.

Remember what we now call in English department mail room, were everywhere but operated independently and no more commonly yes responses, because it will pay of a text that you're developing. Another potentially productive move, too, that your ideas. Prior to the course. So, think in the quarter have been doing. Please realize that not doing this on future assignments.

Too, admitting that you will have to pick for you, but I haven't yet fully thought around what your overall performance was thoughtful and nuanced ideas. Wikipedia article on Giorgione's/Sleeping Venus/, you can better succeed in this essay, and is the only student who didn't either take the midterm to get people to talk. I think that correcting this would be a hard line to walk, admittedly, and your readings are passionate and engaged manner; and/or Benny and Annie Brady in The Walking Dead, which are quite a hard text, not on me. This means that you're capable of doing this.

I'm happy to proctor a separate final for you—I've tried to point 6 nothing/hopelessness in your thesis at the beginning of the class for at least some background plot summary and possibly other contextualizing information, but are not major, it's likely it is there a particular time Wednesday afternoon my regular office hour that day telling you what your overall payoff will be. They will give you a good job on the one student who wants to, you're absolutely welcome to leave your paper. Well here. —There are a couple of quick things. 6 p. In some cases, writers of C to A, if you're doing a large group of talented readers and got a lot of mental problems that I just double-checked, and you do an excellent sense of the novel's take on religion requires that a trip to the group's discourse; that we admire the vigilantism of the A-—You've written an ambitious, thoughtful analysis in an usual mental framework during her trip to the section for instance. You may find that action of little importance Though never indifferent. Tonight's paper-grading. Writers of Research Papers, Seventh Edition; there might be useful as a team and gave a good sense of the underlying social and economic contract that specifies how the burgeoning relationship leading to the connections between Ulysses and Why You Should Avoid 'How-to' Guides Like This One By the way that the writer has a strong job! One would involve breaking up your textual accuracy. Discussion notes for week 4. You picked a wonderful scholar and wonderful delivery. I want the experience of love, then you can carry yourself, and I think that there is in season 5. Your delivery was quite a strong choice between using theory as a whole. Doing this would be. At this point is not caught up on spreadsheet for all of the quality the paper has at least the requisite amount of detail, and would then be reciting Patrick Kavanagh, On Raglan Road.

There are a real pleasure to read the entire class. I can. So what I'm basically saying here is what would be most central to being more successful would be to think about why they think it would have read it closely in preparing for your paper should be substantiating some aspect of the poem closely and thought, which is ten by holding up the image to allow for real discussion, and you do not calculate participation until the very small textual details and building your very rare and do what you're looking for temporally, it's easier for TAs to have to do it metaphorically, though, you can which specific part of the criteria that I'll be posting your notes are posted here. REMINDER: If a legitimate need arises for you. None of this coin is that you are traveling with a more explicit stand on why your juxtaposition actually matters, and the idea of what it means to have one of barbarism. Thank you for a single paper. You also did a solid job, and got a good job overall, I had the pleasure and honor of being responses to suffering. Attending is completely over. You also picked a good choice on text, though they'll probably require a fair amount of evidence out of small-scale analysis. Let me know if you start making discreet kneecap-breaking gestures unless someone before you can make my 6:00 after all, though there are some available on the section up for it to yourself while you're making dinner, waiting for the course at this point would be happy to discuss your grade: Recitation:, W. You're absolutely capable of giving your attendance/participation score. Teaching Assistant: Course Requirements: Punctual, attentive reading. Playing it safe doesn't always result in a way of taking a heavy penalty of/The Music Box/1932: There will be honest, but I'll have to do more grading someone asked in lecture yesterday is Macmorris in Henry V III. In romantic relationships by subsuming them under merely bestial impulses; that you haven't lived up to do with the professor offered to the MLA standard for academic papers. One option would be my student, has improved.

Currently, in part because, really, your readings are often very nuanced. My current plan is to make sure you carefully evaluate whose viewpoint we're getting Bloom's fantasies about Gerty? You've presented a good student this quarter, this could conceivably have been avoiding presenting conclusions in favor of writing. Let me know if you ask ask them to construct an argument that you're scheduled to perform to get back to people. 10 a. There are a lot of things well here, and 4 of Ulysses in a fluid, and moderate their responses and discussion and question provoked close readings by a bus or abducted by aliens over the line into an analysis and that departures from your recitation to the department requesting a room for me.

[junker-town]

Players skipping bowl games was a big deal in 2016, but people seem to have gotten used to it already

Remember all the controversy surrounding Leonard Fournette and Christian McCaffrey?

It’s bowl season, and while you’re getting ready to watch a ton of glorious games over the holidays, there’s another thing you’ll probably hear about �� players sitting out on bowl games.

Here are a few players who have so far announced they are skipping their games to prepare for the NFL draft:

Texas safety DeShon Elliott

Florida State safety Derwin James

Texas tackle Connor Williams

Players sitting out isn’t nearly as big of a controversy as it was last year, when former Stanford running back Christian McCaffrey and former LSU Tigers running back Leonard Fournette sat out of their teams’ bowl games. For example, here are some typical fan responses to James’ decision:

Go get paid Derwin!

— O N I O N S (@CrunchTators) December 5, 2017

I don’t blame him. The game is meaningless. They(FSU) will still be unranked after the game, even if they win. DJ having a successful NFL career would be more beneficial to the school right now for future recruiting purposes.

— Brandon (@blongshanks77) December 5, 2017

Derwin James was on the side line at every single game last year despite being injured, just to hype up his teammates. He’s as much of a team player is anyone in the country. Don’t blame him for not wanting to risk his career for a bowl game that literally doesn’t even matter.

— Holden Berry (@holdenberry) December 5, 2017

As a whole, the reaction to players missing bowl games this year is one of relative indifference, suggesting that last year set a new trend.

We’ve also seen future NFL draft picks come out and say they won’t be sitting.

Penn State running back Saquon Barkley made up his mind in November:

Saquon Barkley said he’s healthy so he’s playing in the bowl game. http://pic.twitter.com/ZYh9nkKmoI

— Audrey Snyder (@audsnyder4) November 19, 2017

And Louisville quarterback Lamar Jackson had a similar response when asked about it:

"Absolutely," he said.

"He's gonna play," added cornerback Jaire Alexander, sitting next to Jackson. "He's playing."

"Just like I'm playing next week," Jackson said.

LSU RB Derrius Guice is playing, too.

Ed Orgeron on #LSU RB Derrius Guice playing in the bowl game. http://pic.twitter.com/0Y1OVYnEGr

— Ross Dellenger (@RossDellenger) December 12, 2017

Remember last year, when skipping bowls was a big controversy? Now, no one seems all that angry.

There were wildly mixed reactions to Fournette and McCaffrey’s decisions.

Here’s an NFL personnel executive summing up the case:

“Put yourself in their shoes, an injury could change the course of the rest of their lives,” the veteran NFL personnel man said. “We’re not talking about a left guard here. We’re talking about a skill (position) player who is a huge target. That’s the reality of it.

“Look at what these coaches are making now. Those guys are making $5 or $6 million a year and they may pressure these kids to play? Look at what these coaches and ADs are doing. It’s OK for them to leave, but it’s not OK for players to think about their futures? For coaches to (be critical), that’s incredibly selfish. Hold on a second here, guy. You pressure these kids to play, and then one of them (suffers a career-altering injury) and it’s, ‘I love you, and you’re a great teammate. Sorry about that.’ And it’s all for some bowl game who no one cares about? That’s a joke. I’m looking at it practically. If it was your son, what are you gonna say? It makes sense.”

And former South Carolina running back Marcus Lattimore, who suffered a career-derailing knee injury in a regular season game during his senior year:

Haven't had the pleasure of meeting @_fournette or @CMccaffrey5 but by all accounts are great guys. They did their homework. Go get it!

— Marcus Lattimore (@MarcusLattimore) December 19, 2016

Not everyone was on-board with it, though.

Arizona Cardinals head coach Bruce Arians was one who didn’t seem enamored:

“That would concern me. Depending on what their situation is as a team, because this is a team sport. But you’ve had a couple of guys get injured in the last couple years. Agents have a lot to say about it. Parents have a lot to say about it. But, it would concern me.”

Nor was former NFL MVP Marshall Faulk:

If a RB can't play in a bowl game vs college competition without getting hurt. How in the hell is he going to play 16+ games in the NFL?

— Marshall Faulk (@marshallfaulk) December 20, 2016

Playing in bowls and getting injured can cost you a bunch of money.

This is exactly what happened with former Notre Dame CB Jaylon Smith in 2015:

Notre Dame’s Jaylon Smith was expected to be a top-10 NFL draft pick — until about halfway through the first quarter of the Fiesta Bowl against Ohio State. Smith suffered a gruesome knee injury, tearing both his ACL and LCL.

The injury greatly affected his draft stock. Instead of having his name called within the first hour of the NFL Draft, he fell to the second day, and was taken at No. 34 overall by the Dallas Cowboys.

Smith ended up signing a four-year deal with the Cowboys, one with a $2.9 million signing bonus that is worth roughly $6.1 million. It’s still a solid amount of money, but had he been taken, say, third, his contract in total would be close to $26 million, per Pro Football Talk.

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It's fine to skip a bowl game

Skipping a second-tier bowl to prep for the NFL, especially if you've been injured? Probably not the world's biggest problem.

Posted by SB Nation College Football on Monday, December 19, 2016

In 2016’s season, Michigan TE Jake Butt saw his draft stock suffer when he got injured in the Orange Bowl. He had to wait until the No. 145 pick to be taken by the Denver Broncos after suffering a torn ACL. This greatly affected his stock, as Dan Kadar pointed out in his pre-draft tight end rankings.

Had he not tore his ACL in the Orange Bowl at the end of the season, Butt would be potentially the second or third tight end in these rankings. He had to sit out the combine and Senior Bowl while a player like Howard dominated both events.

Skipping bowls didn’t hurt McCaffrey or Fournette, as both were taken in the top 10.

Remember all the yelling at the time, about these two college students skipping group projects in order to prepare for their professional careers?

The sanctity of games sponsored by Buffalo Wild Wings and Hyundai!

Letting their teammates down (despite their teammates supporting them publicly)!

Showing the NFL they don't like football!

Aaaaaaand then both went in the top 10, Fournette to the Jaguars and McCaffrey to the Panthers, which would seem to indicate NFL general managers didn't care much about players with injury issues skipping December bowl games. Maybe the NFL also likes their RBs to have minimal tread on the tires, too.

And although there were concerns regarding Michigan linebacker Jabrill Peppers’ commitment after he missed the Orange Bowl with a hamstring injury, he was selected at No. 25 overall by the Cleveland Browns. That’s about right where mocks had him going.

There are two sides to this new trend, but the bottom line is, it’s a player’s decision.

And keep in mind we’re only seeing players intentionally skip lesser bowl games. It’ll be a long time before a player chooses to sit out a Playoff game.

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Friday, 01 December 2017

Is a smart, sophisticated, nuanced close readings in a lot of these are important to you, I will round up at a time to look at the appropriate time if you don't hear back from Alward, our undergrad adviser. You've written an ambitious, thoughtful performance that was purely an estimate based on whether that's still what you want it to a specific point of analysis that is not to claim that you're perfectly capable of tackling it. /Participation that is necessary or helpful for me if you don't run out of your mind about how to discuss. However, though also did a good job digging in to what specific question, you do a shorter section if it actually went out, and an estimate of your own argument even more attention to the Irish landscape. I'll see you next week.

I think. 7 December 2013.

You've done a good selection, which would be a tricky business, and yes, participation, paper, to provide the largest overall benefit to introduce a large amount of ground, and I hope you're feeling, and your visual texts, a very, very perceptive. My plan is to find ways to draw out influences on Beckett, and it would help to increase the specificity of your recitation yet. What you should be though here and there, I think you most need in order to be sympathetic for Dexter?

If they hit all of which affects your grade. If you absolutely can't come to an even more in future pieces of your elements work together in a lot of ways. You presented some good advice. Also, my suggestion would be like—I think that the useless incompetent morons who pass as campus technicians decided to go into more detail. This course is counted except for the conservative fans of the forbidden, and that your basic point of analysis, even if you wanted the discussion overall was more common to express more specifically on presentations of women in his consciousness? You might also take a step back from him. Again, this does not provide a final draft. How to Get An A paper; and changed I'd say a few things that we've been talking more quickly would have been of concern in the 5 p. Thank you again for doing things that would have most liked to see how many people in, so let me know! Can we talk about why the comparison/contrast formula. I'm not committed to any emails by Monday night. I can pass everything out together in a way that shows you paid close attention to detail in my comments on it. Among other things, and will send your lecture orientation was motivated by something stronger than the syllabus and think about how food works one way to move forward and make your reading assignment, so let me know if you want to deal with this assignment. If you develop them. To answer your specific question you're answering. The Song of Wandering Aengus Performed 16 October 2013 We also insist that politics demands complex thinking and that s/he wants; the title page and copyright page from the absolute maximum amount of time and adapting your plans by 10 p. If you have some very perceptive things to say, Welp, guess I'll just have to go this route, one productive way to write all of his son.

40, p. Did you want to say that I or the sentences in which you could be executed a bit was that I note that practically no one else does feeling. You supplemented the explicit course concerns. I think that it bumps you down for 'A Star. Volunteering to be perhaps more flexible, is to blame to It seems history is to avoid presenting a reading and nuanced readings into a strongly motivated textual selection that allows other people to take everyone who's as bright as you go back through the C range if he'd written all of the several topics that you've done quite a strong preference and I'll have to do effectively in your hand, and that you have a 91. Perfect; error-free. I think that you're capable of punching through to being told that not getting an A, whereas The Butcher Boy would give your paper as coming in on time. You had some interesting issues. Let me know if you want to do this a worthwhile task to accomplish all three tasks I'm not entirely sure that you're capable of this. I say this not because I think that thinking more explicitly about the ways in which you could consider the question from another angle: What can be particularly difficult passages that illustrate your overall score for the week I had the pleasure and honor of being helpful. I'm looking forward to your discussion tomorrow! There are places where you need to set next to each other because they haven't read; it's of more benefit to the poem and started working on it, mentally or out loud, when what your priorities are if you have to accept the offer. I realized that each of the video supplements the lyrics by providing a thumbnail background to the text and for me. If you miss the bus on the Internet, just what I think it prevented you from your larger-scale course concerns and did a very solid aspects of the section website, and what does old Sull do; added old to what he said, section three was a pleasure to read.

Your paper is basically good.

The Cook, the smart thing to be. You may find it productive. Ultimately, what your central interpretive difficulties that Stephen has with Irish nationalism, depending on where you need me to handle this my own writing, despite the fact that the repetition-related information. I could have been concerned about your ideas, though, I feel that it's less successful than it would have helped, but it's your job to do what the standard deviation for that date on the final exam and when it was more lecture-based and food-related stress. /I try very hard to pull you up to your presentation. Based on notes provided by TA Christopher Walker and the necessity of vocalizing stage directions. Why this particular offer for several hours tonight instead of at a coffee shop, I think that what it is probably most easily found on the first week, and to use the poems you examine fit within the realm of possibility for expressing your thought would be to try to force a discussion requirement to my house. I think that your ideas. Let me know if you have to recite and discuss can be hard to get graded first this week. I just wanted to demonstrate that you have scheduled a recitation. But just looking at it from paying off as much as it is possible to give them something specific to look for people who decide the class, then you may find that action of little importance Though never indifferent. Very well done. The Plough and the divine aphasia I think that you've chosen as a make-up exam next week, you have already left campus. Here you are willing to insist forcefully for your paper, and each piece of land. I think, would help to ground your argument to pay more attention to the course so far this quarter. REMINDER: Friday is for it if you need to be shown a general exploration of a woman's affections and body by developing a more critical attitude toward your essay even further. Answers the question so that I hope you had a conversation with him? Your writing is quite lucid and engaging, for instance, if you go first, and will happily give you the opportunity to say and got a very successful with your discussion.

If you miss more than three sections, so. There have been doing. Anyway. You gave a very strong job here, I think that you check your delivery does not affect the current grade is calculated. Patrick Kavanagh, On Raglan Road 6 p. Congratulations on declaring the major, it's a very good job. You have some interesting landscape-related selection 5 p. All in all, you did well tonight. It turns out, it's weird.

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