#like they film it all in what? five-ten minutes? h o w do you get this distracted that you forget about the guy right in front of you😭

[imeriayapping]

Okay so here a clip from 2023 driver ranking vid

My question is - HOW LOGAN FORGOT THAT HE'S RATING NYCK WHEN THEY ALREADY HALFWAY THROUGH RANKING???? DID HE GET LOST IN OSCAR EYES OR

[dinosaurtsukki]

haikyuu!! buzzfeed unsolved AU

OK THIS IS THE LAST BUZZFEED UNSOLVED RELATED HEADCANON SET I PROMISE 

[edit: check out the link at the bottom of the post for more buzzfeed unsolved au content :)]

hinata and kageyama:

90% of the show is them yelling and nobody watches it with earphones on

both of them believe in ghosts but that doesn't mean they want to see one

hinata will literally go to the bathroom five times before going to the spooky house and kageyama gets mad at him for it but there is Fear in his eyes

producer: 'were you scared?'

kageyama: 'pfft, no'

cameraman: *points camera down to show that kageyama's legs are shaking*

they also bring a shit ton of food with them when they stay the night at a place and they'll deadass be eating while talking about the history of the place

‘this house *crunch crunch* was built in *crunch crunch* 1972'

the producers tell them to stop bringing snacks but fans of the show love it

sometimes they'll shoot a mini mukbang video

SPICY, BARBECUE POTATO FRIES | Mukbang at the Waverly Hills Asylum'

hinata: *looking up how to do a seance on wikihow* it says we gotta offer some food for the spirit

kageyama: *spills the doritos he was eating on the table

*after 20 minutes*

kageyama: fuck this

hinata: *starts eating the doritos*

producer: ...

the ghosts: ..................the, audacity

tsukishima and yamaguchi

pretty much a ryan and shane duo right here

yamaguchi: we'll be visiting this place as part of our ongoing investigation on the question, are ghosts real?

tsukishima: *shakes head*

yamaguchi just wants to see the look of fear in tsukishima’s eyes at least once

yamaguchi: *hears a random thump sound* fUCk tSuKkI a gHoSt!!!

tsukishima: *sees a chair being tossed across the room* huh, the wind is pretty strong today

he likes to stick his head into attics to scare yamaguchi

yamaguchi always carries a water gun full of holy water

yamaguchi: i have holy water with me and i'm not afraid to use it! but i'm also sorry you had to die such a horrible death i hope you find peace soon

tsukishima: *walks into a basement that is supposedly a portal to hell* fuckin’ take me already

so many 'yamaguchi being an angel and tsukishima being a demon for 10 mins' video compilations 

daichi and sugawara

a very chaotic buzzfeed unsolved duo

suga, who is satan’s child himself, and daichi, who needs a raise

daichi: hello everyone! this is daichi,

sugawara: and suga

daichi: and you’re watching...

sugawara: jackass!!

daichi:...buzz...buzzfeed unsolved??

daichi started out being afraid of almost every place he had to walk into but after having to deal with the chaotic mess that is suga for an entire season, he no longer Feels Fear

this is because suga will deadass film a tiktok dance video no matter where he is

daichi: suga, someone was literally axe-murdered there

suga: *dancing along to ‘I’m a Savage’ or whatever that tiktok song is called*

daichi: *at cameraman* do you see what i have to deal with every day?’

suga is only genuinely scared by ghosts when his followers point out that a ghost was caught on camera in one of his tiktok videos

suga: *watching the video*

that was the end of suga’s tiktok career

tanaka and nishinoya:

another bunch of loud bois but they are much louder than kageyama and hinata

they’re very much into proving the existence of cryptids and are most known for that episode they spent hunting bigfoot by dressing up to look like bigfoot

tanaka: ‘you know that thing they do in cartoons where they stack on top of each other under a coat so they look like just one big guy?’

nishinoya: ‘ryuu i love you so fucking much’

other guy there who is also trying to catch bigfoot: oMg ItS bIgFooT *takes picture with the blurriest camera he could find*

both of them are very committed in their investigation of the supernatural and they’re very unconventional approaches

nishinoya: *lying on the ground in a creepy basement* EAT MY HEART DEMONS! WE’LL PUT THE VIDEO ON YOUTUBE!

tanaka: *takes out a spirit board* *spells out O-M-A-E  W-A  M-O  S-H-I-N-D-E-I-R-U*

ghost: *spells out N-A-N-I*

tanaka and nishinoya: *screaming*

kuroo and kenma: 

kuroo deadass flirts with any ghost or demon they encounter and kenma would sleep over in a haunted asylum for ten bucks

kuroo: *sidles up to the infamous annabelle doll* hey there little lady, what’s a pretty thing like you doing in a locked, glass case with a ‘don’t touch’ sign like this?

kenma: kuroo, there’s a demon inside her

kuroo: well, i’m a bit of a demon myself

kenma: she attempted to choke a guy in his sleep

kuroo: oooh, choking. i can get behind that...

kenma: *looks at camera*

the demon in annabelle: d-daddy??

“kuroo flirting with demons and kenma looking at the camera for 5 minutes”

kuroo’s actually a huge fucking scaredy cat and kenma secretly tries to push him over the edge

kenma: *plays computer-generated screams of the damned on his phone*

kuroo: WHAT WAS THAT?

kenma: ...I didn’t hear anything *looks at the camera as if he was on the office and plays the sound again*

kuroo: i was too scared to close my eyes last night

kenma: i was actually able to catch a bunch of pokemon last night. who knew the winchester mansion is such a hotspot

producer: did you catch any evidence of ghosts?

kenma: ...i caught a gastly

bokuto and akaashi:

bokuto is a die-hard mothman fan and akaashi is emotionally involved in proving that ghosts exist he will stop at nothing

akaashi: all of the evidence on the shadow figures and orbs spotted in this place can only suggest one thing...

bokuto: mothman did it

akaashi: no

bokuto: yes

akaashi: mothman is literally five states away

bokuto: he has wings

during their individual investigations, akaashi has already foreseen how bokuto is going to react

producer: it’s been quiet for a while. do you think bokuto’s no longer scared?

akaashi: oh no. he should be screaming right about now...

bokuto, inside the haunted house: *screams and waves his flashlight around*

akaashi:  and then he’s gonna call for help

bokuto: AKAAAAAASHIIIIIIIIII

*few hours later*

bokuto: i saw my life flash before my eyes in there

akaashi: *muttering incoherently near his ‘evidence wall’ full of blurry pictures and red string*

bokuto: i must’ve stared into the abyss at one point

akaashi: this place is fucking haunted. can i go back? it’s for sale right?

ushijima and tendou:

ushijima’s knowledge of ghosts is based on hollywood movies and tendou has exorcised places just by vibing

ushijima: *brings out a pottery wheel* if there are any ghosts in here, you know what to do

he’s actually never watched Ghost he just knows That One Scene

tendou: *naruto-running through the goatman bridge with a go-pro strapped to his head* IT’S MY BRIDGE GOATMAN, IT’S MY BRIDGE!!!

the Goatman Himself: i’ve never felt so fucking scared in my entire fucking life

ushijima believes that chanting in latin will Summon the Ghosts and tendou takes full advantage of that

tendou: *handing ushijima a slip of paper* here, apparently this will summon a full-bodied apparition

ushijima: thanks *begins chanting*

producer, interviewing tendou to the side: okay, what did you make him read this time?

tendou: i typed out ‘let me eat your ass’ in latin on google translate and went from there

cameraman: *zooms in on ushijima chanting*

the ghost haunting the castle: *is confused in French*

in the end neither of them get evidence on ghosts

ushijima: well, we'll have better luck next time

tendou: maybe even revisit this place ?

the ghosts: i know i'm dead but this is the first time i've been scared for my life

[EDIT: for more buzzfeed unsolved au content written by me, check out The Search for the Mysterious Mothman, a headcanon set feat. bokuaka]

[gamequeenanya]

Nico Collabs With Thomas: The Boyfriend Tickle Challenge! (Switch!Thomas, Switch!Nico)

Summary: Thomas and Nico try a special challenge for a video - answer a question wrong about the other person, get tickled! Who will get flustered? Who will be giggly? And who will win this challenge? 

Nico had asked Thomas if he could guest star on the show sometimes. He'd said sure! For their first collaboration, Nico sat next to Thomas in his room as he read off various ideas they could do.

"Here's a good one: The Try Not to Laugh Challenge!" Thomas said. Nico giggled.

"Seriously? My giggly boy Thomas has to try not to laugh?" He teased, wiggling his fingers. Thomas giggled, letting out a snort too.

"W-whatever!" he whined.

As Thomas read through the list of YouTube challenges, Nico kept teasing him by wiggling his fingers towards Thomas' sides, snickering quietly. He'd occasionally poke them too. Finally, after about five minutes of it, Thomas had enough. He turned around and tackled Nico to the floor.

"Okay, Nico... you win. How about YOU try not to laugh for ten minutes, okay...?" Thomas grinned mischievously. Nico gulped, knowing he was doomed.

Thomas tickled under his chin.

"Wait Thomas!" He said, resisting. "It's supposed to be you not laughing!"

Thomas seemed to change into Janus as he turned his head a little and got a smooth silky voice. "Plans change sometimes, sweetheart."

Nico struggled a little and found he couldn't get free.

Starting at his armpits, Thomas softly ran his fingers back and forth in the hollows. Nico squealed and thrashed about, shaking his head.

"EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEHEHEEE!! NAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAAHAA!!"

"Aw, you're failing already!" Thomas said. "Don't worry though. I'll go easier on you."

His touch got lighter, making the sensations more tingly and torturous.

"Hehehehehheheeee!! Please!!" Nico cried. Thomas paused, grinning down at him.

"Please what, Nico...?"

Nico shook his head. "Stahahahhaaap!"

Since they hadn't come up with a safe word yet, Thomas played it safe. He pulled away, leaving Nico to pant on the floor.

"Have we learned our lesson...?"

Nico huffed, sitting up and crossing his arms. "I'm not talking to you." He straightened his glasses, noting his cheeks were hot.

Thomas just sat there, satisfied to draw this out as long as he could.

Spoiler alert: Eventually Nico did talk with Thomas again, and that time they did make an actual video.

"The safe word is banana." Thomas said.

"No," Nico replied, knowing where this was going.

"That way when I don't say it, I can say, 'Orange you glad I didn't say banana?'" He giggled.

Nico sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Thomas, I swear..."

After that was agreed upon, they set up the camera and got ready to film their video.

They'd discussed the video beforehand and decided Thomas should go first. Nico got out some cards with questions written on them.

"Hi everybody!" Thomas said, doing his super happy smile. "Today, I'm joined by my boyfriend Nico! And we will be doing the boyfriend tickle challenge!" He laughed a little at saying that. Everyone could tell he could hardly wait.

Next to him, Nico grinned, holding up a card.

"First question, Thomas. And no cheating! ... What colour is my underwear?"

"What?!" He said, completely taken by surprise. "H-how would I know that?!"

Nico chuckled. "Just kidding! Here's the real question! 1. What's my favourite type of rock?"

"That's an easy one," Thomas said. He hesitated. "It's igneous, right?"

Nico sighed in defeat. "Yep!"

Thomas grinned, pumping his fist. "Yes!"

Clearing his throat, Nico went to the next question.

"Now then... What's my favourite hairstyle for women?" Nico said, thinking he'd have Thomas stumped.

"Uhhh... All women are beautiful regardless of how they style their hair!"

"A very Thomas answer! I'll give you half a point since it's technically correct! The real answer was beehive!"

"Dang!" Thomas said.

Nico lightly danced his fingers on Thomas' sides.

"Eheheheheheee!" Thomas wiggled in place. Nico giggled along. This was fun!

Giving Thomas a bit of a break, Nico moved on to the third question.

"Alright, number three, the big cahooney, your chance to prove yourself once and for all as the ultimate boyfriend!" Nico said. He checked the card and blushed. "Okay, no, we're skipping that one." He flipped over to the next card. "Ah. We're skipping that one too."

Thomas chuckled. "Are they really that inappropriate?"

"No!" Nico cried indignantly. "These are all family friendly questions!"

"Let me see."

Nico shook his head. The next thing he knew he was wrestling Thomas on the ground.

"Hehehey, no! Get away!" He shrieked. Thomas tried to reach the cards in his hands but he kept them high over his head. A quick tickle to the armpits, and Thomas had the cards in his hands. Nico covered his blushing face. "Oh gosh!"

"Hmmm... Question 3: Innie or outie belly button? I'm pretty sure yours counts as an outie." Thomas said, lifting Nico's shirt to check if he was correct. "Yep!" A gentle boop, and he pulled his shirt back down. Nico giggled. He wrapped his arms around himself, big smile never leaving his face. Oh gosh, what if Thomas' camera recorded all this? And it probably did. Thomas turned to the next card. "Oh, and worst tickle spot?" He giggled. "Pretty sure it's your right foot!"

Nico squeaked. So Thomas had been paying attention! "Okay, okay, you win!"

Thomas helped Nico up. He paused his teasing for a second. "Hey, Nico? If you're uncomfortable we can stop. We don't have to post this to YouTube if you don't want."

"You mean it?" He said. Looking away, he smiled nervously. "I mean, I was enjoying the game... But it does seem kind of embarrassing to show to the whole world, you know? Can we keep it, um, just between us?"

Thomas nodded, eyes sparkling with sincerity.

They turned off the camera and put it away. But the game wasn't finished yet.

"Your turn now, Nico!" Thomas teased, grabbing his own set of cards. Nico sat in his chair and tried not to squirm. "Okay, first question... Which celebrity does my dad look like?"

Nico twiddled his thumbs, thinking desperately. He didn't know! "Uhhh, uhhh, Jeff Goldblum?"

To his surprise, Thomas nodded. "Good! Next question, what nickname have the fans given to Logan's tie?"

"Tyler." Nico said without hesitation. Thomas nodded again.

"Alright, last question... You're doing great so far, don't worry..." He smiled reassuringly at Nico. "Now, this should be an easy one. What's my favourite cartoon?"

Nico blanked. There were so many cartoons Thomas had talked about over the years... But which was his favourite? He stressed and thought over it for many minutes before Thomas told him his time was up.

"Wait wait waaaaait!" Nico cried. "W-what was your favourite?!"

"To be honest, you could have said any of the ones I mentioned in my videos and it would have counted. I love them all equally!"

"What?!" He squeaked. This time Thomas gently scooped him into his arms and began scratching his sides. "Eheheheheheheheee!"

"Awwww!" Thomas said, smiling at how cute Nico was.

"Unfair!" he whined.

"Oh, that's not unfair, Nico... this is!" He put Nico in a tickle hold and massaged his hips.

Nico screamed with laughter! "HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAA!! THOHOHOHOOMAS!!"

Next, Thomas reached around to tickle all along his back.

"AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAAA!! NOT THERE!!"

Then he lifted Nico's shirt up and blew raspberries on his belly button.

"AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAA!! IHIHI'LL GET YOHOHOHOU FOR THIS!!"

"I'd like to see you try!" He said, giggling. Thomas danced his fingers all over Nico's stomach, avoiding the hands trying to fight him off. Well, for a few seconds, at least.

Nico managed to flip their positions and grab Thomas' wrists. He grinned down at him. "Surprised...?"

Thomas blushed, fully accepting of his fate.  

And Nico sure got his revenge! He skittered his fingers along his neck, making Thomas giggle and roll on the floor. He pulled his shirt up, and skittered his fingers all along his stomach. He blew raspberries on his belly button.

"HEHEHEHEHEHHEEHEHEHEHEHEEE!!" Thomas practically flailed. Nico swirled his fingers along both of his sides, making him wiggle back and forth. "HEHEEHEHHEHEHHEEEE!! NIHIHIHIHIHICO!!!"

"Yes, Thomas...?" Nico said, pausing.

Thomas panted, and looked up at Nico with starry eyes. He kept giggling for a long while. "Ahahaha... Hahahahaa... Ahahaaahaaa..."

Nico helped him sit up.

"O-Orange you glad... I didn't... say banana...?" Thomas said with a grin. Nico rolled his eyes.

"Yes, Thomas. Yes, I am..."

Nico stayed with Thomas for the rest of the evening, wondering how he could ever come up with a pun to rival that one.

[sugar-petals]

Sub!Namjoon A-Z 

note: posts for other members linked in m.list!

⚠️ warnings: dom/sub dynamics, smut, bdsm

a = aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

In the mood to talk a lot. Might appreciate a high five. I’m not even kidding.

b = body part (their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Confident about his legs. Always uses a metric ton of lotion to make them extra soft for you to fondle. Might go through a few bottles a month because wow, his legs have a lot of well um leggy leg to be slathered. For you... similar area, he likes your feet to worship. 

c = cum (anything to do with cum basically… i’m a disgusting person)

How much more playful can he get. At your command, he’ll lick it off your butt. Sex with Namjoon is always super creamy-sloppy-sweaty anyways, he has a lot to gobble up.

d = dirty secret (pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Most of the other members have as many secrets as they have fingers, Namjoon, however, will exceed that by far. He wants to try shibari, sounding, pet play, flogging, collaring, and basically everything that comes with spreader bars and gimps. Clearly spends too much time on the internet because holy cow, that’s ambitious. But you can take it as a compliment to your skill, or rather, Namjoon’s conviction that you master a lot of kinks.

e = experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

In his mind, and in general terms of knowledge, very much so. He’s not just well-versed with humanitarian thought, kink is not safe from his curiosity. Practically, less so, but he learns fast with your lead.

f = favourite position (this goes without saying.)

Up against a wall. He is not above begging for you to pin him to one everywhere. Also his favorite mode of making out, by the way.

g = goofy (are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Oops! By accident. Like when removing pants, trying to at least, because his boner often gets stuck, or stumbling across the room entangled with you, trying to head towards the bed.

h = hair (how well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Will definitely experiment with razors a lot. Because let’s face it, Namjoon is like straight out of a shaving commercial. Imagine him in those scenarios where the guy is all sensual under the shower with cream dripping everywhere, or leaning against the mirror wall. It’s totally worth filming.

i = intimacy (how are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

You probably have to prevent him from getting super cheesy... or allow it because oh my, he becomes even more hopelessly subby from that.

j = jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Edging, edging, edging. Him masturbating gets him into all sorts of trouble and everyone in BTS has at least one Kim ‘Fap Monster’ Namjoon story they can drunkenly tell at a party to embarrass him for eternity. He’s most infamous for moaning far too loud during climax and even talking to himself, or accidentally streaming his session into the group chat. The first sex-related thing that you’ll ever do is establish a couple rules for Fap Monster to follow, and generally engage in more guided masturbation than having him do it alone.

k = kink (one or more of their kinks)

The question remains, what kink doesn’t he have! But I get it, something specific, let’s see. That would be breast sucking. And not just on you, we all know the perks of Namjoon’s chest.

l = location (favourite places to do the do)

Now hear me out. It’s not the library, but something even more... out of the ordinary. Namjoon would totally be ready to have sex in abandoned places of some sort given that there’s not a spider every corner and unsafe debris. Maybe for nostalgic value, or the sheer thrill. You’ll have to talk about it.

m = motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Different every week. He will gladly explain that to you in his 2 AM texts that read like a Kant chapter each. 

n = no (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Now we had that, it’s more difficult to pinpoint that one. Nams would probably mention something that doesn’t go in accordance with his moral values and is general common sense either way, like some kind of creepy race/non-con play or certain forms of edge play torture that take hygiene concerns to a new level and would shred anyone without 10 years of experience. Besides exchanging thoughts with you, he’ll get busy in some BDSM forums online and inform himself on how the consensus is. Namjoon is definitely the type to know about what is controversial and being careful with that. He is kinky, but role model kinky. 

o = oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Oh man. What can’t he do with his tongue. And those lips... fit perfectly on your labia. Surely equal amounts giving and receiving, 69 ahoy.

p = pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Sex with Namjoon is so dynamic, speed hardly stays the same over the course of a few minutes. Ever heard his tracks? You can assess how a rapper fucks by his mixtape alone. He switches flow every ten bars. That’s how Namjoon is in bed. 

q = quickie (their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

You can jump on his dick as often as you please, problem is that Namjoon’s masturbation troubles transfer to your quickies as well. I think there’s a reason why abandoned places are perfect because otherwise, the whole world will know.

r = risk (are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

90% risk, 10% contemplation. That might seem unusual for him, but in your presence, Namjoon quickly becomes a bit of a carefree guy. Hormones are one hell of a drug. But! It’s good to see him leave his mind palace.

s = stamina (how many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

To be fair: He tries and tries and tries. All that edging does give him a few bonus minutes of endurance, but 15 minutes is the limit. Two rounds max. 

t = toy (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

One of the few members who isn’t caught up in the toy mania. Seriously, can you imagine Joon operating something like a Sybian? It’s not him. Instead, he prefers you to bring your own collection along, who said Kim Namjoon doesn’t like some anal beads to stretch him out.

u = unfair (how much they like to tease)

His teasing is so subtle, it’s a test for your intelligence. If you don’t get it, he can still do one of his infamous simple, but effective winks to get your attention. The guy has several methods up his sleeve and thinks you’re cool anyways. Namjoon is a pretty sophisticated flirt, you’ll love that.

v = volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make)

Boy, what a confusion is that going to be for the neighbors. “Is Y/N watching Jurassic World again?” Nope, it’s your man making some weird inhuman noises and he’s proud of them. 

w = wild card (get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

You can definitely take him hiking and have a lot of fun in the mountains, you know. Again, that saves civilization from Namjoon’s lack of vocal control and you have free reins to really make him choke and moan in the meadows.

x = x-ray (let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Doctors hate him! How did Kim Namjoon grow such an impressive 8th member of BTS reaching from Ilsan to Seoul? Citizens use it as a bridge! Buy his secrets for just 70.99$! Now I’m joking, Namjoon dabbles around upper average independently of his body height, and you can be glad because if that was in true proportion your gynecologist would be the one hating him and that third leg. He’s definitely material for cock and ball torture, lots of areas to work with. Add the ass he’s been growing to spank. I swear the guy’s a sex symbol.  

y = yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

How to describe it. Namjoon has a lot of pizzazz. It magically goes to sleep in the presence of books though.

z = zzz (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Click! Lights off. It happens pretty fast so you have to wrap it up quickly and kiss your koala goodnight. 

[coruscorp-blog]

DEAR, MS. ( NAO IIDA )

We are pleased to have you back for another year as an SEVENTH YEAR STUDENT at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. We sincerely hope your classmates in RAVENCLAW treat you well.

LEVEL ONE: WILD CHILDS START A FAMILY

THE STORY BEGINS in FUKUOKA, JAPAN, when a young iida noboru falls in love at first sight with a then-fuji miu. their love story is far from boring and it is with exceeding fervor that biased extended family members refer to the romance as an amalgamation of TRUE LOVE, REALLY CUTE, HOW ROMANTIC, and OH CHRIST WHAT GOOD WILL COME OUT OF TWO HIPPIES FALLING IN LOVE?

but the finer details are hardly important.

against all (or perhaps just some) odds, the daring couple wed, all in the midst of pursuing their dreams. for noboru, shredding it up on the guitar on a well-lit stage in front of thousands; for miu, hand-stitching picture-perfect films to present to the raving masses. their family grows in scotland: son, son, daughter, and then, in the midst of a last-minute concert tour (noboru) and a home-visit to fukuoka (miu), another daughter.

OUR PROTAGONIST’S NAME is nao, and she shall henceforth be associated with “honest.” she cries extremely loudly upon being born and out-weighs her brothers and her sister the second she gulps in her first breath of oxygen. her mother holds her close and hums her father’s songs for her and iida nao’s first tears are placated by traces of her family.

her siblings are unforgivingly loving. she grows achingly familiar with her sister’s inexpert handling of her hair (“this is how you french-braid, i swear, it just takes time and oops, sorry, i just pulled some hair out”) and her brothers’ headlocks and rough-housing (“WE’RE MAKING YOU STRONGER”). born into a family of eclectic individualities, the world holds its breath in muted anticipation, waiting to see what beholds NAO, WHO SHALL HENCEFORTH BE ASSOCIATED WITH “HONEST.”

at some point in time, her sister masters the fishtail braid and nao masters the art of winning over her brothers in battles of strength.

family is simple and sweet. she loves hers.

LESSON LEARNED: TEETH WERE MADE FOR BITING.

LEVEL TWO: THE CASE OF THE GROWN MAN CRYING

her parents are not wizards. they are dreamers with humongous hearts and gazes trained on distant, untouched horizons—BUT THEY ARE NOT WIZARDS.

and that’s okay. it's okay that they flounder for words when the first child is approached (when nao is very, very small) at age eleven with a gold leaf-lined letter from MAHOUTOKORO expressing in careful japanese print: WE WOULD BE HONORED TO HAVE YOU … hogwarts knocks on their physical door, stifles a sneeze in the midst of belated-spring cleaning and says more or less the same.

by the time nao comes around, her parents have more or less grown accustomed to the rites of passage that come with being mother and father to exclusively magical children. it’s her siblings that do the goading, that set an ugly hat they swindled from disneyland forever ago atop her tiny head, and lower their voices in unison, mimicking the sorting hat and trying to decide where she’ll be placed. SHE’S CURIOUS, eldest brother says. ALWAYS POKING HER NOSE INTO ANYONE’S BUSINESS SO LONG AS IT’S INTERESTING, sister dearest continues.

in the end, she decides against mahoutokoro. she decides against hogwarts. she decides against any school of magic and primly clings to her mother’s legs and asks to be homeschooled. her parents don’t really get it: little nao has always been a pensive, inquisitive sort of spirit, sprinting down knowledge trails to sate curiosity piqued by her all-knowing siblings. after much effort on their parts, her parents manage to find a kind, elderly witch to tutor their daughter and nao confides in her on the second day of lessons, smacking a stick of cinnamon gum that sort of stains her lips cherry red as she says, “i heard at hogwarts, you don’t have very solid internet connection… and my maplestory guild is just starting to take off.“

the act is baseless and trivial, but she maintains it for years—dutifully pays attention to each and every one of her tutor’s exasperated lessons so as not to warrant any unwanted attention from her parents.

it’s at the tender age of fifteen, during a game of overwatch in which she is very lovingly, unintentionally loudly, perhaps a little more aggressively than necessary, addressing one of her teammates as a COMPLETE FUCKING GIT that her parents, woken up by the sound of a keyboard slamming against a desk upstairs (read: IIDA NAO’S DESK UPSTAIRS), decide, at four-thirty in the morning, that perhaps hogwarts has been a long-time coming.

“it’s hogwarts or prison,” her baby brother tells her later.

“i wouldn’t go to prison for making a grown man cry,” nao scoffs. “at the very least, i should get a gold medal for my service to society. he was a shite genji.“

LESSON LEARNED: PRACTICE MEDITATION?

LEVEL THREE: BOSS BATTLE WITH THE SORTING HAT

in the headmaster’s office, the sorting hat perches itself atop her crown and she thinks back to a raggedy old mickey mouse hat mussing her hair as her siblings shouted the four house names in succession.

"tell them i’m a squib,” she stage-whispers to the hat. all she gets in response is a rude grunt. “i have better things to do at home!”

in thirty-seconds, the hat convinces her otherwise.

the mental proposal involves concepts she’s heard of in textbooks, but only received minimal preaching on. words like mermaid and felix felicisand legilimency swirl about her uncharacteristically frozen train of thoughts. “don’t you want to know more?” the hat beckons her. “i know you do."

she wants to be stubborn for the sake of being stubborn, but she’s already been tempted—and the hat knows this too. in the lofty space of the headmaster’s office, iida nao is remarkably small as she ventures forward in her mental duel with the hat, tilting her head forward in thinly veiled fascination.

"i want to know the most,” she amends. “i want to know everything."

the hat cackles. she sees, briefly, in scarlet and gold, but then the hat falls quiet and her vision is clear once more. she’s impatient, wants to know when she gets to learn.

the silence that follows lasts for less than a breath. when she closes her eyes, she is adorned in blue and bronze. her gaze flies open and atop her shoulders rests a newfound legacy:

"RAVENCLAW!”

LESSON LEARNED: STOP FIGHTING MAGICAL HATS.

LEVEL FOUR: WELCOME TO HOGWARTS

AVERAGE AMOUNT OF TIME THAT PEOPLE SPEND COMPLETELY DECEIVED OF HER TRUE PERSONALITY BY THE SHEER IMPACT OF HER UNASSUMING GENETICS (PHYSICAL APPEARANCE) ALONE: a few weeks, give or take a couple days.

AVERAGE AMOUNT OF TIME IT TAKES FOR HER TO SHATTER THE ILLUSION: a single conversation with anyone who is more than ten centimeters taller than her, with or without a punch to the stomach because “ARE YOU LOOKING DOWN ON ME, YOU ABSOLUTE GIT?"

NUMBER OF TIMES SPENT IN DETENTION FOR REALLY STUPID REASONS THAT COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF SHE MEDITATED FOR, LIKE, FIVE SECONDS: holy shit, so many.

FREQUENT CONVERSATIONS IN THE PAST YEAR AT HOGWARTS:

(1) "you transferred in your sixth year? that’s so weird. what made you decide to come to hogwarts?” “oh, uhhhh, magic. it’s cool. i love magic. yeah.” because there’s no eloquent way of saying ‘my own flesh and blood have exiled me for accidentally making an old dude cry on the internet.’

(2) “how short are you?” “how WHAT am i?” “how short—” (WITH AN INCREASINGLY THREATENING SMILE, A VERY INEXPENSIVE BUT SHARP FOUNTAIN PEN DIRECTED TOWARD THE SPEAKER) “how w h a t?” “h-how tall are you?"

(3) "can i borrow your notes?” “no, i have to let natural selection do its thing. bye.”

(4) (INDISTINCT BATTLE CRIES AS SHE VERY NEARLY BREAKS HER OWLPHONE IN HALF FOR BEING SO GOD DAMN SLOW)

LESSON LEARNED: YOU’RE DOING AMAZING, SWEETIE.

LEVEL FIVE: STAYING AFLOAT

(5)

“so. you’ve been at hogwarts a year… what do you think?”

NAO, WHO HAS ALWAYS BEEN ASSOCIATED PERHAPS TOO CLOSELY WITH "HONEST,” closes her textbook and lets out an unsightly yawn. she sinks into her library chair, hands folded across her stomach. “dunno,” she says, drumming her fingertips absentmindedly. “guess it could be worse.”

LESSON LEARNED: ( O N G O I N G … )