#like there's jsut so much i wanna do with my life and outside of work but i'm just so guilty about pursuing them

[monstermp3]

sometimes i think i'm way too unkind to myself.............

[toshkakoshka]

jesse/gustavo: because i swear to god i will riot on the -10 fics available

i swear to god there has only been ONE (1) FIC thats meant way too much to me in this entire tag; op fucking got it from here and they didn’t even have to do any goddamn kissing. 

yes, of course, gustavo is a favorite villain and jesse is just. my sweet baby. so i was like ayo why not and then i started laughing to myself, suddenly the camera zooms to my face and BOOM. 

la idea. 

unfortunately, if anybody knew me well enough, if i get a good idea i fuck around way too hard on it, regret it, and then immediately obsess over it.

so:

why this exactly? i’m a sucker for unexplained concepts. i’m also very bad at picking a common preference, and as much as i don’t like walt/jesse to be romanticized it’s like... hard to push away the fact that their relationship explains the reason why jesse can’t exactly leave.

jesse’s a sweetheart. he’ll take the responsibility to care about anyone and he’s just so malleable and vulnerable, and it’s horrible to witness the fact the show really hammers that shit in. walt is just incredibly unworthy of the concern he actually shows him and we all know it. he doesn’t belong to this world, he deserves to have a good life with people he loves, but these worlds obviously just.... don’t fit. 

at least, if you turn the perspective into something to where this has to be his life now.

i dunno. you wanna pick all the men in jesse’s life? it’s not the... well. it wasn’t the considered option but it’s certainly better than walt; and so we pick: Gustavo Fring. 

first impression? awful. but fortunately for jesse, gustavo’s actually seen the potential in this kid. i mean, you gotta be very special if you’re the junkie who gets picked to do work over someone who actually has knowledge over this shit, right? that’s the fascination. the intrigue. but he thinks, for the fact he’s witnessed how innocent this kid actually is, that it’s easy to manipulate. 

not so fast: jesse knows how to read through situations now. he knows how gustavo’s words and ways are, he knows he’s dangerous, what does this dinner mean? a personal warning. gustavo is not happy, but he’s begrudgingly impressed that jesse knows how to read it the way it is. 

it’s not about the challenge, that gustavo’s intrigued by. it’s the fact that he was right about having to find that there’s more to jesse than just his first impression. 

also, do yall like... notice that gustavo has a very specific way of smiling when he’s being the boss of los pollos hermanos. the smile doesn’t reach his eyes. a real smile always includes your eyes crinkling, but the more you look into this man’s eyes it’s genuinely just. plastic. gustavo has never smiled outside of that incident. gustavo has never expressed any emotion outside of pure rage and terror, meanwhile back in the older days, he actually used to take better action.

guess who actually let him have the smirk of pride?

jesse. 

back in the mexico epsiode, where the kid proved himself to actually be a leader in leading this shithole of a lab? yeah, sure, big dick = being good impression for power, probably also cements the fact that he’s incredibly useful for the future of the empire (lmao what empire am i right haashdahfhdf *sobs*), but my ass has Witnessed both better call saul and breaking bad to fucking confirm that this is probably the only genuine time gustavo has smirked. IT REACHED THIS DUDE’S EYE, LIKE, IDK WITH YOU BUT THAT’S A FEAT IN ITSELF EVEN IF IT’S JSUT A SLIGHT TWITCH. IM PROBABLY GOING INSANE BUT IT LIVES IN MY MIND RENT FREE

you know what makes me salty is that it seems like not a lot of fics invest in this fact, but gus seems to just have the absolute worst time handling emotions. yeah, sure, all of these guys are dudes who repressed their trauma, but we all have FIRST HAND WITNESS as to how that fucking came to be. his emotions disappeared from losing the one person who he’s had such an intimate connection with, it’s probably even the last time he’s cried or screamed considering we see none of that shit. gustavo twitches, shakes, but the rest of his rage comes from killing people and even that it’s just pure silence. he’s so viscerally broken that it’s actually heartbreaking to know how easily he can just shut it out until he’s alone. 

and i bring this up ‘cause this is the factor of potential in the relationship that i’m obsessed with. i’ve been absolutely taken by the headcanon that max used to be like jesse, he had a talent in picking things up but had the unfortunate habit of using in the middle of it all. 

it’s a punch to the gut. seeing someone young, inexperienced but already so exhausted. gus doesn’t know if it’s pleasant or if it’s absolutely splitting, but for every twitch in gus’s expression and the way he’s slowly approaching jesse beckons him into having to forcefully realize that the walls that he’s put up are slowly, ever so slightly, reaching. 

for the first time, gustavo wants to feel it for himself. 

it’s about what could have been, really. he feels affection for him, and he’s... he’s not afraid, or angry about it, it’s more of something confusing and nostalgic and it’s awful, but he wants to hold jesse’s face in his hands and care for him the way he knows how. 

or, if he still ever really remembers to. 

he tries not to let it get to him. 

for jesse, on the other hand, we know what’s going on with him: it’s horrible. it’s unfortunate. someone come give this kid a hug (*AHEM*) 

he’s the before process of everybody involved in this goddamn show. 

what could this guy possibly ever really see in a monster like gus?

well, for one thing, in spite of everything, he could never stomach another death unless it really had to be done. even then, he’s only human. and because he knows that gus has told him that he sees something in him, that’s given him that leverage to know what kind of person gus must be. 

like, he’s curious. but he also wants to hear that he can make somebody proud, and that somebody could adore him for that. (and they do, don’t worry baby)

so what’s jesse’s end on the bargain? 

what he wants in a man is a figure who actually deserves the care he gives. he craves affection and love and is unintentionally working through those barriers, wanting to know things from gus that the guy has never really bothered to specify. 

he... hates to think about it. but theres something that he really, really wants from gus’s positive attention. it’s earned, and deserving, and it’s rare but gus wants to be a person sometimes, too. jesse makes him feel like a person every time he fucking drags him through the dirt, but the fact that he’s never changed the way he’s spoken means that it’s the equal footing they have to be on. 

so sometimes he accidentally catches the looks: the unrestrained relaxed demeanor gus adapts, lingering grasps on his shoulders. to him, gus is a man who’s probably never touched anybody without the intent of strangling to death, but he’s about to be wronged. semi-wronged. gustavo has never given affection in a long time, but now he’s giving this random kid a soft spot because it’s a relationship that he for once has never been yelled at for being all wrong or doing everything badly. 

maybe that’s why jesse wants to know about it. being special will always mean so much to him, because clearly it’s been difficult to get that. intimacy is just a differrent thing when it comes to the both of them. it always starts with attachment. 

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

[awisa-moved]

hey i love your posts about sufjan stevens and was wondering what your thoughts on the predatory wasps of the palisades are? idk if youve posted about it before but id love to hear your take on the song

ok ok this makes me so happy u wanna hear my thoughts on predatory wasp cuz i sincerely just. love it so much thank u <3

i think it’s sad because it makes you think of the “what ifs” while being incredibly innocent in its lyrics. he sings about summer, pretending to be asleep, lake swimming  .. it’s very vivid and idk he just has such a way with describing the simplest things with so much feeling and love lmao. the narrator was in love with his friend, they were both in love, and after he kissed him his friend left. maybe he disappeared because of the kiss, maybe he disappeared cuz it’s summer camp and you’re just not gonna stay in touch with everyone u meet cuz thats life. but the narrator doesn’t sound regretful even though it Does hurt which is expressed through the wasp. 

in tone it’s very upbeat, which makes it feel almost deceptively happy at first? not that it can’t be interpreted as happy, but it ends with the same conclusion of “my friend ran away” as kill from a sun came does, but in a retrospective way that feels grateful for the experience. there could have been more between the two boys but their love ended abruptly, just as the song’s final hallelujah in the last verse gets cut off. the repeating of “we were in love […] i can wait” is especially emotional, since it’s so happy and hopeful and affirming! it wasn’t a one sided crush, they were friends and in love, and presumably that fell apart after the kiss. instrumentally it’s brilliant. the song is very calm until after the fourth verse with the “touching his back with my hand i kiss him” line. the music picks up, and it jsut .. sounds amazing? it’s explosive and theatric and so incredibly good for my ears, and really feels like the excitement of having a new love.

the motif of the wasp is very clear and appears three times in the song: while he’s falling asleep in the first verse (which initially i just see as a setup of the story but the imagery of a wasp creeping in your bedroom at night while you want to sleep is a bit anxious right?), on his arm during the kiss, and “terrible sting, terrible storm”. there’s also the line “there on his shoulder my best friend is bit seven times”, again talking about the physical pain. the number seven is of course significant and is supposed to signify divinity and god in christianity; i however have no knowledge of christianity (ironically perhaps, considering how heavy his christian imagery can get) and its motifs so i can’t really comment on that part, but, yknow. bugs and pain. and i think wasps are fuckin scary dude. they’re fast and annoying and all u really know abt them when ur little is they dont die after they sting u like a bee would. they’re a natural part of summers spent outside, so not especially significant yet it’s a reoccurring part of the song. ofc and the title is “the predatory wasp of the palisades” which also makes me think of yknow feeling weird and predatory for having gay feelings especially when ur young. the wasp brings anxiety, the wasp brings pain to the narrator in multiple ways, this wasp is fucking predatory and a pain in the ass!!!

in the end, it’s not the narrator telling the story as it happens but reminiscing about it (”i can tell you – the telling gets old”) with no shame (”trusting things beyond mistake”). which.. i love! so many of his songs with gay themes are tragic or just plain sad (which reminds me of how he wrote with my whole heart on his pride ep as a personal challenge to “write an upbeat and sincere love song without conflict, anxiety, or self-deprecation” which is fucking hilarious and accurate). predatory wasp is sad yes, but in the cheesy type of way where you miss a person or at least what they used to be like and you miss the way you felt and the brand new experiences. it’s sad that it’s over, but what can you do but be happy that you at least felt it, both the good and the bad parts?

when looking at songs i try to just think of them as stories and detach the artist from the narrator of the song, for sufjan’s work especially since a lot of his projects are concept albums and not necessarily autobiographical. but i love love love the live recordings of this and the little story he tells before it, always the same story at it’s core (methodist summer camp, hung out the entire time with this boy, wandered into the woods and saw a giant wasp and ran back to the camp) but with little details changed and dramatized every time. in venus, from the planetarium album, he sings about love and lust and brings up methodist summer camp and in two separate interviews that were years apart talked about “most profound spiritual and sexual experiences” being at a .. methodist summer camp. and he does not repeat stuff in his discography very often, if at all 🙄

anyways, yeah. in conclusion it’s about love and being gay and in love 

[lucatorahaven]

vampire au post

4 skype convos haphazardly mixed in from very different times

[29/11/2014 4:27:51 AM] Probably Not Assorted Cheeses: Vampire au

Lucas the incompetent vampire who eats mostly animals

Duster was the one who bit him, only bc duster was literally starving n lucas came at a bad time

idk if duster should be born a vampire or not but Wes is one too and together they taught lucas how to survive.

however eventually they had to leave, they offered for lucas to join them but lucas can’t leave his family behind, the kid’s too sentimental :’(

so together they staged his death (which im too lazy to try n think of)

claus knew bout the vampire thing tho, lucas couldn’t live alone like that. He also ended up biting Boney in an accident so hey vampire dog.

claus grew up and eventually had his own family. Lucas could only really watch from afar but then the kids got his age and it was hard to see him and keep the gig up. He visited his parents funeral anonymously and afterwards him and claus stood there just

“sup” “how’re the kids” “twice your age and with kids of their own” “heh, i always thought you would be the one with kids yano?” 

it was very bittersweet, it felt like they’ve never been apart 

“it never stops feeling strange without you” "I know” 

lucas thinks of that conversation a lot

he started off the "younger uncle" then the "weird neighbourhood kid that visits grandpa claus" and inevitably the "weird kid from nowhere who goes to the cemetary every other month to put flowers on graves older than appears to be"

SO without attachments lucas traveled with boney, hoping that they find duster along the way.

eventually lucas comes back to tazmilly but it’s been a couple hundred years now and it’s completely different so he doesn’t recognize it

n lucas one day is caught outside with no shelter, it’s almost morning so he runs into osohe (which is way outta town so he assumed it was abandoned)

vampires can’t enter homes without being invited in because apparently homes are holy land but osohe is fuckn haunted so that doesn’t apply (adding on to the abandoned theory)

that’s how kumatora and him meet, she finds him exploring osohe all “wtf the fuck who are YOU...this me house”

So she gets an awkward lie explanation from lucas 

n she eventually catches on lucas is a vampire n is just DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE I NEVER MET A VAMPIRE BEFORE FUCKN SWEET

lucas is just UM.;;; IS IT OK IF I STAY

"oh dude it's cool!! but u gotta tell me bout yourself bc i never met a vampire before ok?? i live iN THE PERFECT GOTHIC HOME BUT THERE’S NONE!! but here you are and i’m JACKED i gotta go to work tho so brb but afterwards u gotta tell me about yourself ok CYA"

lucas is still processing everything by the time she leaves, but he’s grateful and figures a conversation is the least he can do to repay her

in this au kumatora’s into cryptology bc her house is FULL of books and it’s a common subject (also the fact her castle is filled with ghosts and there are zombies just across the moat, it’s a p convenient hobby)

when she comes back she’s super excited because he’s still there 

lucas is kinda reserved but he still answers questions bc it’s POLITE

she asks bout p much everything?? “HEY do you need that” “y-yes” “is this true?” “not that i know of” “ok experiment time” “uH;;” “wait am i keeping you up?? it’s still daytime” “no it’s okay” 

after exhausting lucas of all his Vampire Facts kuma invites lucas to live at osohe castle, it’s big enough anyways

lucas is wary af bc he doesn't wanna accidentally get close to someone who 1. has a life span and 2. is technically food

but lucas ends up sticking around anyways, boney really likes it and he lowkey enjoys her company

so they keep chillin n lucas tells her how he hunts animals n how he only takes a bit of blood so they don't die and 

IDK I GO BY THE THEORY THAT VAMPIRES HAVE VENOM bc otherwise their entire food source becomes COMPETITION n they can bite but not?? TURN THEM INTO ANYTHIng so controlled blood flow for feeding purposes

also vampires only need to eat once or twice a month? they die around 6+ months without eating from starvation. It all depends on how quickly the blood cells in their body die basically.

ALSO when they bite you it doesn’t hurt bc their saliva numbs it so (sneaky bites) but it still feels weird as shit

bUT YA SO LUCAS N KUMATORA CHAt a whole bunch...you know that “accidentally get close” thing i mentioned? it happened

(it was kinda hard to avoid when the first companion you have that’s not your dog is informed on vampires and vampire goods, that was convenient)

so they keep hangin out and kumatora unlocks his Tragic Backstory

n sometimes kumatora helps him feed? like they go out together finding animals n storing blood

n lucas is fascinated with how technology has advanced bc he doesn't really?? go into towns anymore but he fuckn LOVES it

n they play video games n general COOL FUNTIMES

kumatora let’s lucas borrow her labtop to occupy himself and he looks for other vampires or hints of them

(this is under the assumption that osohe can get electricity in a modern au while still being ignored / abandoned)

n when kumatora goes to work he cleans up the castle n tries to show how much hE REALLY APPRECIATES HEr

n lIKE i also go by the logic that vampires do not do the stereotypical “turn into ashes at sunlight” it is a slow progression that takes up to 12 hours until absolutely turned to a crisp 

so basically if he covers himself and wears a shit ton of sunscreen he can chill in the middle of the day for like...a hour or two

and bc kumatora's WORTH IT he visits her at work n she's all LucAS WHAT ARe yO U DoING??   

lookin like a modern goth kid......has a huge red burn on his cheek..

he blames it on how pale/blonde he is “my brother is ginger you know”

kuma gets super worried n he's all bruh it cool i have like..2 more hours until i need to go to a hospital   

n kumas jsuT I GET OFF IN 4 HOURS GO HOME

kumatora invites him to movie nights with her friends n shit

people start calling lucas kumatora's goth boyfriend “never call him that when he's around or i'll murder you”

theyre all rather cool with lucas and find his speech kinda funny?

"wow look at those teeny boppers" "GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY GOD I LOVE IT" “???????????????" kumas friends ask for lucas more all WHAT SCHOOL DOES HE GO TO WHERE DOES HE LIVE "oh he's......foreign B)"

eventually it comes up how lucas doesn’t really want to be a vampire anymore and kumatoras just “dude i can help you find a cure” bc maybe her hobby is a bit Excessive but live your dreams

but ya lucas is just?? constantly wants to visit kumatora n loves her night shifts!! visits all the time they go on hikes a lot n jusT? GETS SO FUCKIGN ATTACHED IT SCARES HIM CONSTANTLY

they sometimes fall asleep on the couch together n when he's all "wow shes so cute.." he realizes how fucking Deep he’s in this and he’s FUCKED

he tries to distance himself but he Can’t Fucking Do It (just like w/ his fam)

whenever he tries to push her away she looks so upset it kills him 

N HE'S IN SUCH A STRUGGLE BC HE'S JUST

SO HAPPY TO BE AROUND HER??????

N LIKE WHEN THEY CUDDLE N STUFF HE'S JUST SO OVERWHELMED BC oh my god heartbeats!! oh my god she's gonna die before me

n lucas really fucking feels the severity of how FUCKED he is when its her birthday n hes just

yes she's gonna age and he's gonna outlive her n they could never realistically be happy even if by some offhand chance she even RETURNS the feelings

N HE HAS TO HIDE HIS CRYING N STUFF BUT KUMATORA HAS  A 6TH FUCKN SENSE FOR DISTRESSED LUCAS SO SHE'S ALL bruh :( whats up

so he opens up to her about his feelings and anxiety and she hugs him through it, it’s kind of a shitty way to confess 

“idk if i can forgive you for deciding that i’m gonna die before you” “are you threatening murder” “that and no way death’s gonna get me, i’m pretty stubborn”

a lil while passes

“you know... i’m okay with becoming a vampire” lucas refuses bc dude.. you can’t even comprehend the weight of immortality.. what if she regrets it 

“to hell if i make my closest friend suffer because of a life span” “hah i guess that’s the same for me”

they drop the vampire topic for the time being and move on to other ones such as... mutual feelings :^)

they’re both romantically inclined i mean... lucas spent 300+ years being a hermit and kumatora had other things to do

so they take it slow, it’s p much the same as before except.. hey...now when i think “man i wanna hold their hand” i CAN

it'd also be really sad and/or cute if the ghosts in the castle some of them were lucas's family which might be why boney likes it so much but also imagine them kissin on the couch "kuma ghosts r there" "EH THEYRE JUst ghosts" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) claus looks into the camera "after so long... finally my little brother gets some action :')"

but idk if that’s a thing bc it feels kinda weird i feel like kissin n shit wouldn't b very often bc as much as they both loVE IT 

IT'S NOT THAT GREAT FOR A VAMPIRE

YANO.... HEARTS R BEATING... NECK IS RIGHT THERE (lucas still adores it tho)

so back to the topic of Mortality

kuma gets attacked in an alley on the way home from work

n lucas finds her bc they were gonna meet up but he smelt the blood and when he does find her he just goes FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK n didn't know how to save her 

also thinking rationally is hard when OH LOOK AT ALL THAT BLOOD AHhaHA

SO HE BITES HER

he carries her body home n he spends the whole waiting process between DEAD and VAMPIRE crying just "hoyl shti please work please work" “what did i fucking dooooo” “what if i was earlier” “what if i was too late” so many anxieties

kuma wakes up and lucas transistions from panic to HAPPY PANIC OH THANK GOD

she’s really out of it bc of the process and he’s crying apologies “it’s okay you saved me” but he’s still crying, they cuddle for comfort

"hey atleast we did it NOW when i'm a hot sexy 19 yr old and not a wrinkly old lady” “kuma” “i’m tryna make light of the conversation”

so now that kumatora’s a vampire she only works night shifts until she eventually quits. They moved to a new town / whatever so it was easy to avoid having to meet someone in the daytime. facebook helped keep in touch with her friends while still letting the friendship die out.

it took kumatora a bit to get used to being a vampire. she threw up a lot at first and she didn’t like having to drink blood but she did eventually get used to it

idk if they find a cure bc idk what the cure would BE but they eventually find other vampires :^) they continued lucas’s search for duster and probably found him tbh

[uhohohsehun]

I love this whole thing so much that I finally decided I’ll do it despite never really doing any of these things because I’m fucking lazy and no one will read these things from me anyway, but yes. Yes I need this. Thank you @seoyoungho for tagging me to talk about my bias. I really loved yours about Johnny iwejeiuhruithwh it’s just so cute? It really put a smile on my face.

I’ve decided I’ll do this thing about my two biases, because although Minseok has been cutting me open to live inside of my body, there is no way Jin will ever let me go. Which is ironic, because I asked him multiple times to marry me and he said no every time. I don’t blame him, but I’d kindly appreciate it if he left me alone on my wedding day. But no. No, I’m still in love with him I guess. Minseok has been trying to remove all the pieces of Jin outside of my body with fucking tweezers the past weeks, but his cells just keep multiplying. 

Yes. I totally know how biology works. Okay. Let’s go. 

Who is your bias: Minseokjin. Got the hots for them socks. 

What made you notice him: For Minseok it was right away. I remember how my friend made me watch Love shot because we finally discovered EXO is actually a thing that should be listened to instead of dumbly ignored. She said I was not going to be able to look away from Jongin, which... I admit I couldn’t at first, but then the short one stabbed me in the eyes with his dagger body and since then I don’t think I have ever looked at anything since. 

Jin took longer. He wasn’t interested in me at first and I lived a biasless life until he e-mailed me a compilation of him angry screaming and since then I’ve rewritten my will to leave all my possessions to him after I die. When he finally kills me. 

What is your favorite thing about them: For Seokjin it’s his confidence and the way he loves himself more than possibly anyone else and I find that just so inspiring??? The way he talks about himself is how everyone should talk about themselves, because you truly are the most important person in your own universe and you truly are the most beautiful human inside your own world. I think It’s rubbed off on me a bit, because I talk about myself way more positively since I know how Jin talks about himself. His playful arrogance is just everything to me and it’s SO FUNNY????? IT’S SO GOOD. So even though I know he’ll murder me one day, I’ll die as a confident person who knows she’ll look pretty as fuck as a corpse. 

Minseok, I just... I jsut... He’s. ???? I just... He’s so caring and so cute even though he’s an actual human dagger? I don’t even know how to put him into words, if I’m honest? He drives me insane and he’s just silently doing it in the corner of the room without saying anything as he continuously switches between quiet eyes, cute eyes and dangerous eyes. He’s like... three different people at once and he’s at the same time just... a gentle man. And I love him. HELP ME. I really do wjhat the helel.  Who would initiate skinship more: I’m not a very touchy person at all so I guess they’d both do it. Unless I’ve had a few glasses of wine. Then it’s 100% me and I’ll probably cry on their laps as they kindly request me to shut the fuck up. Caringly, of course. 

Who would hog the blankets more: Jin would definitely hog all the blankets and take it all for himself. Minseok I would willingly give all the blankets to. I don’t need blankets to fall asleep anyway seeing as I’m a human radiator who doesn’t even really need any to begin with. They can both have it.

Who would be more clingy: That....That is definitely me. Although I’m not touchy at all, I love knowing how people are every second of the day so I’m emotionally quite clingy. So I’d always send the first text and I’d be unashamed of it. Jin would honestly not even text me back most of the time probably, but I understand. wehreiugerhrwiewe

Who would say ‘I love you’ first: I think that’s me. I say that quite quickly to people anyway and considering I’ve been screaming ‘I love you’ to them through my laptop screen, I think I have a headstart in the unconditional loving department anyway. I’ll woo them both into loving me later. I’m confident I can do it. 

Who would be more easily flustered: Me. Although maybe Jin at some points considering he sometimes randomly gets flustered because of something seemingly insignificant and you don’t even really understand how that happened in the first place. Minseok would not easily get flustered, I think, because he’s just sitting there quietly and killing me with his looks. He’s just watching and liking what’s happening around him. But more like he’s a king who deserves that type of reaction anyway. 

What cuddling position would you two have: I think in both cases I want to be either big or small spoon depending on my mood at that time. I like back hugging and I feel they’d also like back hugging. Same with being back-hugged. I like that and they would too, I think.

Which colors remind you of them: White and purple for Minseok and black and dark blue for Seokjin. 

Which season would you like to spend with them: I’d like to spend fall with Seokjin and the last half of winter/first half of spring with Minseok. My winter bias is Chanyeol. I wanna go snowboarding with him. My summer bias is Baekhyun. Namjoon is my May bias. Wow. What a fluid queen I am. 

Who would bake the cookies and who would steal the batter: I literally have no idea. Depends on the day. The better question would be “who would rob the bakery and who would go down for it?” Because in that case Seokjin would rob the bakery and I would go down for it. Minseok might try to protect me, but Seokjin’s lifetime supply of cookies would probably shut him up. Both of them would visit me in prison, though. 

I want to tag some of my favourite people I see on my dashboard from time to time. I know not all of us are mutuals and also feel free to ignore this, but yeah. Do this if you want to! This is one of the cutest meme-things I’ve ever seen.

I tag: @xiezuo @jingertonic @byunover @ballerida @ashlehdahling (even tho you only followed me like a good minute ago), @xiuminscheeks @joonstitties @minhotual @tinyjjks @teanites @felixis-es @mydaystan @taeholic @heartman-hoseok @chaotichope

[rcinberry]

hello pals . here thoust be with an about ? haha kisses love and respekt these hoes !

tw: familial death, murder 

STATS: full name: sebastian eli jung nickname(s): bas, bash, CALL HIM BA AND YOU DIE age: 23. date of birth: april 4th 1997 hometown: chicago, illinois  gender: cis male. religion: athiest. sexuality: bisexual. hair colour: blonde. here’s visuals of what he looks like currently, he’s always decked in accessories ! head to toe , he loves looking handsome n expensive, it’s like a personality trait to be that sexy yk?  .. xx (x) eye colour: brown. height: 5'10, i bumped up jimins height myob tattoos: (x) (left hand, the rose & cross only) , (x) (back of his neck), (x) on his inner left forearm,  piercings: two ear piercings in each, right cartilage piercing, (1) nipple piercing, had his tongue pierced when he was like 13 but that hole closed up now.

(i copied this family background from ellie bc she summed it up OFKMGDHG)

immediate family: richard & elizabeth jung (parents), silvia jung (twin brother, younger), and bambi & thumper (pure golden bred golden retrievers, bambi’s owner)

extended family: jeremy jung (uncle, father’s twin, deceased), jeremy’s husband (uncle)

started out as world renowned physicians, but would later own the best hospitals around the world

became a household name because of their big role/impact in the medical world and later the business world

twins run in the family and theres been a set of jung twins in every generation so far (aka richard & jeremy, silvia & sebastian)

mom was the hardass, dad was the softy

richard and elizabeth got divorced when the twins were 19 years old, the fortune/businesses was split between the two

the dad basically disappeared after the divorce happened, the mom is a witch

the twins were always closer to their dad and uncle

in addition to their family life 

sebastian does not get along w his mother at all, she sees him as scum and he sees her as disgrace and a money hungry person, he saw to that when she murdered his uncle before him. they hate each other but he’d never express tht hate in front of silvia, although when silvia isn’t around his mom hurls horrible insults at him and he fights back

will protect silvia till the end of the world he would jump fences for his sister, the only girl that he truly loves even if she hates him currently

loves his dog a lot, bambi is his baby.. his emotional support animal

misses his dad terribly and wishes he’d reach out, he’s tried a few times, hired the best PI and couldn’t find it. his dad doesn’t want to be found or does he? 

which leads to how sebastian is so afraid to be himself and love because mom, a bitch, dad? god knows why he bailed when he needed him the most. 

whomst is sebastian , condensed  !

sebastian is a boy who has seen his uncle die in front of him, so tht fucked him up a lot. like he can be difficult but that’s because he watched someone die and the loving boy he was once was no more... and then to lose his dad right after was a pretty fucked up burden for him to carry into his teen years, he tried not to let it show for silvia’s sake but that kind went down the drain in their 20′s

he rlly only ever looked out for silvia when he was growing up, he didn’t really care about anyone else and that was a product of his mothers neglect, he didn’t want the same for silvia to see her thrive made him happy, he loves his twin a lot 

after his uncle died, and they all got the riches of the family business, he rly saw his mom do a 360 and saw how much money changed the bitch, he rly hates that hag he rlly does, she lets her own son rot and makes sure silvia never feels the way he does around her so he sucks up his pride sometimes

anyways growing up !! he's always been home schooled, unlike silvia he never did anything? he doesnt need to? now that he’s dripping wealth he’s like i can buy excellence i dont need to be work my ass off like yall, bye <3

he’s very cautious of people, you know how the old trope goes.. once betrayed never trust again - that’s him, hardly lets anyone into his circle, it’s so small it’s just himself tbh

anyways , he spent most of his teen years traveling and wandering the world bc it's sexier than being home and u could be whoever u wanna be across seas , not tht he ever faked his identity, his name has meaning n he uses tht for his advantage. even home schooled, he’d be doing school in italy, france, greece, maldives you name it, his experience was the outside world and he’s seen a lot

sebastian doesn't hide himself , like what u see is . esstentially what u see x he has never faked it for the cameras, always authentically and annoyingly himself

he knows he's not a pleasant person and if u can't u can't hang. he's not gna make himself a pleasant person to hang out with , if u wnna curse him out ? curse him out he rly doesn't phase at all like he's rly heard it ALL from his mother that nothing else rly hurts , it takes a lot to hurt him

unless ur silvia, anything that girl says breaks his heart but he doesnt let it show his .00007 centimeter of whats left in his chest

moving on, he's rly the type to show up anyone out of spite . say he can't do it ? watch him do it perfectly the next day , he doesn't like being shown to be stupid bc as much as he does as dumb , he rly isn't the boy has a lot of knowledge up in his brain , he likes playing stupid for the aesthetic. like the jungs come from a line of brains and such, silvia has the brains and the drive - sebastian just... hides it, never shows up to class, pays it off by buying a new wing for the school.. 

but when he does do smthn to show up ppl, does it w grace and a smile on his face or if he wants to prove someone wrong, does it with ease

he interrupts people's tasks bc he doesn't want one of those tasks to be involving silvia at all 

he is a Whore , he just fucks anything honestly u yell at him n he's just . HE's jsut full of himself makes me wnna punch him uhh i thin kthats it!! hes just , a damaged self absorbed son of a binch u kno , gets his shit rocked sometimes and he just laughs it off wipes tears , god  bless

[arianaistired]

My Experience Meeting Taylor (WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK)

@taylorswift THATS US WHAT THE FUCKKKKK

(also I just finished typing this and it’s so so fucking long I’m so sorry this is a warning. I don’t even get to rep room for so long I can’t breathe I’m so sorry)

Okay, so I’m at work right now, but I cannot for the life of me stop thinking about Saturday--which can really be the tagline for the past 3 days of my life--and then I realized that I haven’t posted a single thing about it on tumblr dot com!!! I’ve really not shut the fuck up about it on twitter but this is a whole new platform, a whole new WORLD that I have not tapped into and annoyed everyone by talking CEASELESSLY about this experience. Like I’m pretty sure that everyone is going to murder me on twitter if i don’t shut up soon, but we’re not there yet on papersairplane dot tumblr dot com so here we fucking go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay the story of my day on Saturday really begins on Friday night after Metlife night 1, a joyous occasion wherein Taylor Swift Touched My Hand at the barricade. So I was just like floating on a fucking cloud after that concert, trekking back to the lowly island of Long Island, New York and texting my friend jess @monica-geller. I was thinking about how I’ve done literally nothing to try to meet miss swift in my entire meaningless existence on this earth and I was thinking about how it doesn’t hurt to TRY so I was like hm. I’ll make a post!!! I didn’t but more on that later.

So i tell jess I’m gonna make a post and then in classic ariana fashion I just sit there on the train not making my post bc i was like deadass...I have nothing to say like nothing about me is particularly interesting it’s not like my house caught on fire and, in the absence of a fire hose, i used the soothing lyrics of stay beautiful from taylor swift’s debut album (2006) to will the flames into submission. like i just really love that woman i don’t have anything else TO SAY. omg side note i love how this started off with proper grammar and spelling and capitalization and now i’m talking like i don’t even know how to read. whatever. so then liz @lastskiss decides to get a fucking idk like a call from God Herself (stream god is a woman by ariana grande) and she’s like wow i should make ariana a post and i see her tweet and i’m life fuck it i’ve told her not to in the past but i’m tired and lazy and nothing’s gonna come of this anyway so i’ll let her make the post. so i text her my seat info and then i’m like “wow my work is done here i’m so talented for pressing send on the imessage app.”

so liz makes this post and is like “should i post it :O” and jess is like “yeah post it that dumb bitch is never gonna do anything herself” which...tea….and liz, being an intellectual in addition to being a magical wizard, is like “tea” and does it. Idk why this is a short novel already but i’m extremely bored at work and trying to get all the deets in. so this is at like i wanna say 1:45am EST aka everyone’s asleep except for liz in LA and jess in australia. so i reblog it once bc if you haven’t already grasped it i’m a lazy dumbass with low expectations and i go to sleep like “my work here is done.” so liz and jess and a few other beautiful souls by jesse mccartney reblog the post while i’m asleep, unbeknownst to me, and a few hours later at 8am i wake up and get ready for brunch. So i’m well aware that it’s gonna rain tonight so i’m like i should not put that much effort into my appearance bc i’m going to look like a drowned rat by the end of this day (stupid, but not untrue i really did) so i like actually do the bare minimum like i just basically put on whatever was most comfortable to dance around in the pouring rain in and then zoomed out the door for brunch bc it was in harlem at 12 and i was on long island at 9 so i was like g2g.

change of scenery now: i’m at brunch in harlem with a bunch of friends and soon to be friends and its 12:15 and i’m like “cool i’m with people from the internet so it’s not rood if i check twitter” and I do and i see a dm notification and i’m like oh the let me check. And check i did. And what the fuck was there??? 10 hours after liz hit send on that blessed post what was in my direct messages on the twitter for iphone app? That’s right friends and foes. It was a dm from one miss taylor nation. And what do i do???????????? I turn my phone face down on the table and my hands just start shaking and i’m pretty sure i blacked out as if i was having a petit mal seizure. So i come to, and pick my phone back up and send them my name, my number, and the best time for them to call (“you can call me at literally any time and i will pick up”) and i turn my phone face up on the table and stare at it. And stare. And stare…………...and an hour and a half (!!!) later FINALLY i get a call from miss nation. And i sprinted out of that restaurant. The poor waitress probably thought that denise @pettyswift had threatened to murder me with how fast i ran out of the premises. 10 mins later i return to the table and everyone’s staring at me with expectant gazes and i’m just like completely utterly non reactive like i think i was just in shock because i didn’t understand what was happening. Like i literally expected it to be merch lmaosafujkafn like so to get to speak to whoever that was on the phone and to hear her say the words “if all is fine and you get confirmed, you will be meeting taylor tonight” was jsut….a shock to the system to say the least. So i was still anticipating it to go wrong because like what the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK????? Anwyay. So i get the confirmation and i’m still completely nonreactive but i call my friend anthony @shakeitoffs to tell him (sidenote: i know we’re not supposed to tell anyone but like. I was going with him to the concert i had to. Like i was already under a lot of stress i’m sure everyone understands if i didn’t follow all the rules to a t) and i say goodbye to the table and i start making my journey from harlem to new jersey.

fast forward a few hours to ~4pm and literally the only thoughts in my brain are “what the fuck” “i’m so scared” and “can jess wake the fuck up” like idk why i was so concerned with jess waking up asjkfas like i just NEEDED HER TO WAKE UP. so anthony and i make our journey to metlife because i needed to be at will call between 4-5 to pick up my rep room pass. Anthony’s buzzing, i’m on the verge of throwing up, liz is freaking the fuck out, and jess still isn’t awake. And i get to will call and give them my ID fully expecting something to go wrong….and it does!!! The will call people are like “maam we havent gotten anything from taylor nation yet please check back in 20 mins.” cool. So finally at this point jess wakes up and is freaking out so now liz anthony and jess are all freaking out and i’m just terrified that something’s going to go wrong. FINALLY 15 mins later the will call people waved me back, i gave them my ID, and i received in my undeserving hands that yellow ass rep room paper. I nearly threw up. Bc at this point i had been like working under the assumption t hat something, ANYTHING, was going to go wrong like i half expected the uber to the stadium to spontaneously combust while i was in the car. So to have confirmation that i was supposed to be at a certain gate in less than 40 mins to then be brought backstage to meet taylor alison swift….was a lot. It’s still a lot.

So i take the picture and tweet it and everyone is being so nice and happy for me which only exacerbates the feeling of A Lotness bc i just felt so completely and utterly undeserving, but this isn’t me trying to get people to tell me i deserved it it’s just me being honest about how i felt. And on top of all of this, the fact that i had never in my life tried to meet taylor also meant that i had never in my life prepared to meet taylor. Of course i’ve thought about what i’d say, who hasn’t, but never under the actual assumption that i was meeting taylor. And NEVER with the confirmed knowledge that i was MEETING TAYLOR IN HALF AN HOUR. so, as aforementioned, IT WAS A LOT.

So skip to 5:30, the meeting time, and i’m standing on the floor where i’m supposed to be and waiting in line with like 6 other people waiting for taylor nation to take us backstage. And they start to!!! But then they get to me and ask for my name and i tell them and i’m NOT ON THE LIST JKANFKASJNFJ so im panicking once again like oh this is it. But i tell the tn guy that i got my dm at like 12 that day and i can show it to him and he was like “ohhhh i think i got a text about a late add” and looks through his texts and he’s like “yeah here you are.” which was terrifying like i was really a late ass add huh like someone was like add this girl huh. the.

So finally they bring us backstage.i think i must’ve been visibly distressed at this point bc one of the other fans in line came up to me and was like “you’re nervous too huh” like i’m pretty sure i looked like i was being taken to my execution. They stop us outside of the door and i can see scottifer swift and tree paine and andrea and i’m like “holy fuck this is actually happening.” And giuseppe the dancer walks past me and i’m like “holy fucking shit this is actually happening and also that man is so fucking hot.” they tell us to put all of our shit on the table, and i do (minus my yellow pass which i was still grasping as if it was going to be ripped out of my hands as cameramen crashed the scene like i was on punk’d and everyone including taylor was going to point and laugh at the fact that i actually for one second thought this was going to happen to me. Yes i’m dramatic what about it) and i enter the rep room. The snake habitat if you will. I enter a room and the first group goes in almost immediately and i hear taylor swfit’s speaking voice saying “hiiiiiiii” reverberate around the room and i’m like OH MY FUCKING GOD…….so like i said i was nervous and definitely visibly so. Like i’m pretty sure i was pacing. I was also singing along to lets get married by bleachers because i have morals, but i definitely looked scared. So the tn person in the room keeps offering to take polaroids of me next to all of the decorations ajkfjasnfkjnfa like she must’ve been trying to reassure me which i really appreciated.

The room is like a big dark well decorated room that has a well lit corner curtained off, which is where taylor and the photographer are and where the m&g takes place. So for my sanity i needed to like look into it so that my blood pressure could return and so that i didnt throw up on taylor the millisecond i walked into the glow of the ring light, so i casually walked to where the curtain area was and looked in between the two curtains where a sliver of bright ass light was escaping and i saw taylor in all her taylor swifitan glory with my own two unholy eyes and i was liek “well…..that did nothing to cure my stress” because she was just SO TALL AND BEAUTIFUL that i was just so fucking...idk. Idk i felt so nuts it was indescribable.

Lets get married stops playing and strawberries and cigarettes (i think?) starts and it’s my turn to go in. so i just like bite the bullet and do it and the first words that escape my stupid mouth are “holy fucking shit” and taylor laughed (i cant) and hugged me and she was just so. calm . well obviously shes calm shes meeting a known moron there’s nothing to be nervous abou there this was practically charity work for her like she’ll be able to use meeting me as a tax write off next year. Really i was doing her a service.

But anyway we pull back from the hug and she’s smiling at me and i’m pretty sure i was shaking a bit like my voice definitely was shaking. And i was just like “oh my god. I love you.” klasfjasnjkf like i was incapable of speaking at that point so i think she thought that i was just going to freeze up and not say a single word but before she could fill the awkward silence i just...started talking and did not shut upas fjkasnfjkajkf. Like i was like “oh my god hi i want you to know that i could not have anticipated this happening any less like i received the dm from taylor nation confirming this about 4 hours ago there was nothign to prepare me for this i didn’t even do anything my friend liz made a post and she and jess reblogged it at like 2 am last night none of this makes any sense” and she was like “oh my god that’s so nice of them” which TEA IT ABSOLUTELY WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And then she said “i’m so happy i finally get the chance to meet you then” which i’m sure she says to everyone but she’s so good at making you feel like she means it like she said that and it was like i had taken a xanax like i was so calm after that. Everyone says you calm down in her presence and i’ve never taken that seriously, but YOU REALLY DO….like shes just so calming she makes you feel like she’s your friend and that she genuinely wants to talk to you as if this is a casual occurrence.

So i say “i really love you like i have an older sister and she’s cool and all but you have always felt like you were my older sister like you’ve been a constant in my life for like a decade. I don’t even remember my life before i was obsessed with you which is probably indicative of a brain issue if i can’t remember my life before i was 11 but its true” and she LAUGHED and like genuinely laughed which made me feel so good. Like maybe she’s just the most talented actress alive but i really felt like she thought i was funny……..the………..and then as if i didnt get it from her laughing she called me funny which is disgusting. I’m doing my best to remember this conversation i like blacked out ajskfnsanf. I DIDNT EVEN TELL HER ANYTHING ABOUT MYSELF whcih is so funny to think about now and honestly im fine with bc my life is boring anyway. But anyway i had been debating requesting a song all day, but i was like fuck it the worst thing she can do is turn me down and call me stupid for asking. So i prefaced my request with: “taylor i know youre probably getting different requests from everyone you meet and i know you also probably alreayd have a song in mind for tonight which is totally fine it’s your concert you can do whatever you want my opinion doesn’t matter i’l love anything you do” and shes laughs and is like “whats the song” and i tell her forever and always. And shes like “OHHHHH oh my god i didnt even think of that song. i have a list of songs in my mind that i can play at each show and forever & always didn’t even cross my mind i dont know why. I’ll be honest i already have a song in mind for tonight i’m going to play fearless because it’s raining” and i was like “THATS SO GREAT i love that song it’s your concert it’s your show do whatever you want i love fearless fearless is my favorite album” and she was like “that’s such a good request i didn’t evne think about that song” and i started telling her how i love that song because it was like the song that really got me into her music bc i saw her talking about it on ellen and she literally interrupted me which was an honor and goes “OH MY GOD and it has the ‘it rains in your bedroom eveyrthing is wrong it rains when youre here and it rains when you’re gone’ line and its going to rain!!! oh my god that’s such a good song i love that song” and i said me too!! Also i’m her complimenting her own song god she’s so talented. She’s absolutely right it is SUCH a good song. And i said “well its raining again tomorrow and i’ll be there!!!” and she was like “but i was thinking about playing [song she didn’t play but i dont want to say--not to be purposefully evasive bc i know its annoying--but bc i dont want her to hate me for saying it publicly asjkfjkas and also bc if she does it at gillette i want to let it be a surprise :( i feel so annoying im sorry] tomorrow because a lot of people requested it” and i was like “I LOVE THAT SONG” and then said something about the song.

And then she said (again) that forever & always was a good request and then looked SO SORRY when she was like “i’m so sorry i’m probably not going to play that today or tomorrow because i already have songs in mind but i promise i’ll try to play it later even though you probably won’t be there :(” and i was like “NO ITS COMPLETELY FINE i loved all the songs you mentioned. I’d love any song that you played it’s your concert do whatever you want you don’t ever have to play it if you dont want to it’s your show you call the shots” and she was like “i love how you keep telling me i can do whatever i want it’s so thoughtful and supportive you’re so nice” LIKE SHE KEPT TELLING ME I WAS NICE THIS WHOLE TIME and i was like “WELL PEOPLE CAN BE DEMANDING” and she was like “YEAH THEY REALLY CAN BE THANK YOU FOR SAYING THAT THEY’LL GET MAD AT ME OVER ANYTHING they’ll get mad at me if i play a song they don’t like or if i dont play a song they like-” and i was like “i know they’ll get mad at you for excluding so it goes and i’m just like guys its her concert let her live” and she laughed again and called me nice again like she kept saying i’m nice which seems so inconsequential tkjajfnjsa but it was so kind of her shes the best.

So at this point we had been there for a long ass time like it felt long and i was like “wait fuck i haven’t even introduced myself to you” and she was like “whats your name” and i said ariana and she goes “wait like air-iana or like are-iana” and i was like “i literally dont care you can call me whatever you want and i’ll respond” and she like laughed AGAIN and was like “youll just respond to anything huh. But seriously what is it” and i said my name again she was like “ariana. Cool.” bye and then she was like “well do you want to take a picture?” which is when i realized how long it had been and i was like “YEAH” and she just pulled me into a hug for a hugging picture which felt cute bc thats what i wanted to do anyway but she was probably just like god this girl has been in here for 8 years im not asking her what pose she wants to do can we please get going with this jskfnajafs but i didnt mind i was on cloud 9. So as shes hugging me i’m like “oh my god i’m going to blink in this picture and then i’ll have to die” and she was like “you wont blink i promise you wont blink she (the photog) will check to make sure” so we take the pic, the photographer tells me i’m good, and then taylor hugs me again and was like “it’s so nice to meet you” and i was like “it’s so nice to meet you too i didnt expect any of this. thank you so much for all of this i love you” and she huggged me again and called me nice again and then we said bye.

And then the taylor nation girl who was taking my picture (who i then gave all of my polaroids and my rep room pass to for her to hold before i went int asjkfnsafj) was like “here you go sweetie” and gave it to me and then told me to go back out and wait in the hall. And like idk why but once i left the photo area it was like every overwhelming emotion i had felt that entire day came rushing out like i just started crying silently like w tears streaming down my face. Asjkfnaskfjafkj. Like i dont cry so it was so bizarre. I didnt know what was happening. So then i was the only one out there bc i guess the first group had already been escorted out, so i was waiting for the rest of the people to be done and just crying. And then andrea was there so i said hi while crying and she came up to me and was like “hi honey how was it?!?!?” and i was like sarcastically like “oh it was okay ive had better days” and i dont think she knew i was joking at first like her face fell a bit before she realized i cant breahjtraefjs btu she was like “yeah its just a normal saturday for you no big deal” and then i asked her for a picture and she complied of course and i was like “im so sorry for crying idk why im crying” and she was like “its okay sweetie youve been through a lot today” which is honestly the most truthful thing ive ever heard in my life. And then i said “i raelly have” and she was like “this is a really amazing experience for you” and once again no lies detected but it was so funny that she said that about me MEETING HER DAUGHTER JKjkjskafjkfjska. And then i thanked her for raising taylor because i love her or something i cant breahfghasf and she was like “it was my pleasure she made it easy on me” and then finally i was escorted out and i was just crying.

Okay so now i just wanted to tahnk everyone who has been nice to me since saturday it means so so much like obviously i didnt think people would be MEAN TO ME but everyone has been soooooo nice i appreciate it a lot. And also like mayb this is controversial 2 say in this economy but i also want to say that all of the taylor nation people were so nice to me like i think everyones a bit hard on them at times like theyre just doing their jobs guys and it doesnt seem like an easy job sajkfnkjas considering they have to deal with how annoying some of us can be. And also i want to thank all of my friends, jess and liz in particular, bc like i didnt do anything obviously akjfanjksfj like this was all them and i love them so much like they were so happy for me it was equally as exciting to tell them as it was to actually meet taylro idk i just love them so much. IDK WHY IM TREATING THIS LIKE AN OSCARS ACCEPTANCE SPEECH but i obviously obviously i want to thank @taylorswift Idk if you saw my post and requested to meet me or if it was just a coincidence but it was honestly such an amazing experinece and you were so GOOD at talking i cant describe it but you were so calming and i really appreciated it. I feel like we dont appreciate all u do for us enough like youre just so kind and amazing i love you taylor swift i aint never gona stop loving you taylor swift. Idk this was so amazing and so unexpected and i still dont understand how any of this happened to me. THIS WAS CRAZY and it was just everything like everything u hear about meeting taylor is just so true…..shes just so good shes such a good person i want 2 cry………………

if u read all of this…..idk why youd do that but thank you and also im sorry for how long it was i just needed to write it all down for my own memory. Thank youuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ts-autumns-world]

Episode 1: “Autumn you are a crazy fucked up host” - Giraffez

AHHHHHHH AUTUMNS WORLD HI!!!!!! THIS CAST IS AMAZING IM SO EXCITED AND SCARED!!! JINX YES!! AND 4 KILI PEOPLE INCLUDING LILY?? cant wait !!!

Omg! first day and im placed on the Eener tribe <3 love the way it sounds like an alarm so much ! xo love the tribe divisions and love my tribe mates! super excited to get to know them more, and reconnect with others :)

https://youtu.be/9P1GrFrTHnQ

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it’s the way i keep putting my birthday as the date...as if this is a doctors office and not autumns world...I DONT NEED NO DOCTOR THO I AM CURED IN AUTUMNS WORLD ‼️‼️‼️ anyways manifesting a jinx win 🕯 hi my name is jinx and i am the winner of tumblr survivor 103: autumns world. i keep telling myself that. it’s okay to be hungry for the win like i am this time. i can’t let it blind me but it’s okay! it’s okay to say i’m gonna win! if i fail, it’s not smth i haven’t done before. but. im taking a page from autumns book and speaking it into existence. my name is jinx clementine and i WILL BE the winner of tumblr survivor 103: autumns world. *uptown funk vc* don’t believe me just WATCH ‼️

It feels absolutely insane to be back. I feel like I’m a bit oversaturated tbh

I can’t believe this cast. Packed with icons. So many people from Kilimanjaro?? I’m just like??? I’m just so excited to play and hope that our team does great. I just don’t want to lose cause I really don’t want to vote any of these other people out! 

when i’m the annoying overactive player... i keep putting my birthday as the month/day/year 😭 so watch out for that. anyways, important announcement: the only song i ever listen to is potential breakup song by aly & aj. i never listen to anything else. if i feel like listening to music that’s what i listen to. it’s been on repeat since 2007. my itunes consists of 1 song, potential breakup song by aly & aj, and the play count is somewhere around 50,000 plays. if you ever see me listening to music, don’t even ask what song i’m listening to, because you know it’s potential breakup song by aly & aj, so why would you even ask

I don't give one fucks, two fucks, red fucks, or blue fucks, I'm gonna put all my effort and energy into this season. I have a point to prove, not to just myself, but to every person who has doubted me in any way. The biggest concern I have is meta gaming, alot of it but its going to be okay. Chris and Jinx? Vibing. Mikki and Captain? that group chat was made 5 minutes into the game. Monty and Lily C are gonna be vibing since they're winners. Lily O and I played fr*nce, but that's... no good. I'm going to just let go and have a great time. This is Autumn's World, and sometimes, we all need to just relax and let nature take its course

Autumn you are a crazy fucked up host....... Legit i was like oh come in have some fun then BOOM FUCKING MESOPOTAMIA FLASH BACK OUT THE GATE so sevice to say I'm nervous as hell about this challenge i so don't want to get voted out first .....or on the same challenge as before so even if we do have to go to tribal hopefully the winning tribe will take pitty on me and you know give me safety

feeling delusional for writing what i wrote about winning 😭🌚 LIKE DKKDKDKDKDKDDKDKKD IM TRYING TO BE MY BEST POSSIBLE SELF AND APPARENTLY THAT FACILITATES DELUSION GOOD NIGHT 

https://youtu.be/FJM9fQW7evY

---

autumn not letting me in the game at first bc i’m mixed. i can hear my ancestors screaming

Yknow I’m not exactly thrilled that the song decision was made without everyone being present but like my stupid night shifts make it completely understandable at the same time. On that topic, though. Party in the USA for our music video, hmm. Not even bleach is that basic.

good morning it’s day 2 in autumn’s world and i don’t feel any better about the whites. ps. daily i love monty 

https://youtu.be/DAXdEjZW1mc

https://photos.app.goo.gl/mQ3vUbaX1nEnsp2Z9

My tribe has a varying amount of timezones which makes it harder to connect with them socially as I cannot PM them as much as I would like to. Additionally, I am finding it difficult to message them because I have to work from 8 to 5 everyday of the week. This sucks because I know I can at least make people like me in the per-merge enough to keep me. However, I can no longer reliably use this strategy. I just have to hope others are way more inactive than me and that my tribe somehow wins immunity. On that note, I am really liking that Mikki and Benj took a leadership role in the tribe. So, they are definitely people I want to keep on this tribe. It would have to be Blake or Khalid that gets the target from me. We'll see how talking to them goes before results.

I LOVE THIS GAME!!!!!!! Ok so starting with my tribe:

Mikki - ABSOLUTELY THE FAV!!! We got along right away on day 1 and are def the closest in timezones which is so great to have someone like that. Sooo fun and easy to talk to really wanna be #1 allies. I know shes amazing at orgs and won and probs is getting along well with everyone but who cares i wanna play w her!!!! The main thing is too have fun and i just know it will be with Mikki

Captain - Also amazing!!! Super active in helping with the challenge and great personally love that hes gonna do english teaching which is smth i was looking into and also in a closer time zone to me and had fun discussing stuff w him so far!!

Blake - We played Kili together!! Shoutout Autumn for getting 4 Kilis back omg. I was on a tribe with Blake and Autumn together for like 2 rounds and we did vote together once so have some positive history at least hes a bit more quiet compared to the others but hes cool and i think we could do good!

Raffy - Iconic parts in the video challenge and also fun so far!! Havent talked as much as the above 3 but still feeling good about him!

Khalid - Seems nice and friendly but we havent messaged yet and no clue if he will do his lines in the music video :O we'll see But overall love my tribe and the overall cast. LILY THE KILI WINNER QUEEN???????? Cant believe shes back would be so awesome to play w her again since last time we were mainly on opposite sides. JINX MY ONE MONTE FRIEND??? YES!! SO excited i hope we get to tribe swap together since in Monte we werent that close and i voted them off i know such a disgrace but since then we have become more friends so would love to play together!! Also played w Chips in Kili and were sort of friends! Chris we are hosting a season together but i think itll be cancelled tbh no ones applying and we dont know each other at all outside of that but i loved his intro and just started getting into agatha christie literally ordered 2 of her books a few  weeks ago sdhksa cant believe he mentioned her in his intro so super excited to properly meet him. Joey we are sorta friends but i voted him out recently in other game so dunno how he feels abt me!! Everyone else i dont really know but will meet some soon surely WOOO AUTUMNS WORLD

SO THE GAME JUST STARTED so there's not really that much to spill right now but I do really enjoy my tribe. I have my bestie captain who I will protect as much as I possibly can. and I've spent all day yesterday and today talking to benj who I LOVE so so so much. I feel so good with him. SO UM ASAHJSHSJAJHASHJAS IM ON THE SAME TRIBE AS RAFFY WHO UM ASHJSAHASHJ I played with once before where I was super chaotic and I literally fought him (playfully) and it was so messy and chaotic and stupid BUT I DIDN'T RECOGNISE HIM AND HE DIDN'T REMEMBER ME SO WE JSUT WERE LIKE "nice to meet you" and I didn't realise until later and idk if he knows yet and I am not bringing it up COS LIKE IDK I DON'T WANT IT TO GET WEIRD AND MAYBE HE DOESN'T REMEMBER BUT MAYBE HE DOES IDK but besides that I love him a lot he's so fun and his videos for our music video are AMAZING he's so full of life. Khalid hasn't been on much but I really enjoy his energy when he is. he's so cool and lovely. Blake is nice!!!!! but I can't help but feel my instincts being like WATCH HIM. like something inside me is saying beware of this white man.LIKE IDK WHAT IT IS but I just get instincts in games with people sometimes where I just feel like unsettled??? and that's how I feel right now. we're all in different timezones so socialising is the opposite of overwhelming. I've never had a game so quiet in the beginning like this before. but I've never played survivor either. I think I might be okay??? if we went to tribal but I really don't want us to go to tribal pls....

JINX IS OVER ON THE TUA TRIBE BTW and I'm sitting here with grabby hands. I wanna play with them so bad and just get to have our redemption arc because we didn't play on the same side the first time we played so LET ME HAVE THIS I just wanna play with them and have fun with them but they are so far away :((((

I'm so excited overall tho the whole cast looks amazing and I'm having fun so far. this challenge has been a blast and. a great way to bond with everyone. I feel so close to benj already. I really love him a lot. so I'm having a good time yes ashjshajjahs YAY

oh and I also did my tarot and idk where things are going to go exactly but I'm very :eyes: raffy got the tower and Khalid got the devil....hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

also I wanna play with women at some point PLS PLS I haven't been this surrounded by men since I was a closeted 15 year old surrounded by posters of Robert Pattinson and Taylor lautner

Benj just submitted his version of the music video and it is..... bad. I don't know why Mikki filmed vertically? Like, I feel like that's the first rule of music videos? You have to always film horizontally. Also, some of these people's energies were not giving at all. The beginning waking up part was cute though. It's just.... these people aren't giving what they think they're giving is all I'm saying. And Benj put this weird filter on all my videos that makes it hard to see what's actually going on tbh. Anyways, time to kick the socializing into high gear so as to not get voted out! Or pray that Mikki's version of the video is better

hello autumn's world.. this is captain's speaking. sorry i'm one day late to this confessional booth stuff but i'm here and i'm ready to give u some tea. *ahem* thanks jarod for these questions.

1. How do you feel about your starting team? Anyone you are happy/upset to see? OOOOH i feel like my team is very CUTE! like i didn't think autumn was gonna put me and mikki in the same tribe lmao .. i thought it was gonna be divided from ur race and u know mikki is white and i'm not. ANYWAYS, im happy to see mikki in my team of course. thats my ride or die and i know i'm gonna have someone i can 100% trust no matter what for sure. but blake knows for sure that mikki and i are very close so thats gonna be interesting. which leads to the next part, i'm kinda eh with blake in my tribe thats only because our previous experience in CoW so i just hope that its gonna be better here this time *prays*.. for others, i don't know them before so i'm excited to get to know them!!!

2. Who are you most excited to play with on the cast? Most afraid of? oh of course mikki for sure and another person is geekoffilm cause u know we're like besties besties and i love both of them so much. most afraid of... probably monty tbh. they tried to gun for me/mikki(/cora) in jarod's mini so i think they know that mikki and i are gonna be tight so i'm just gonna have to keep an eyes on them cause they are a great player.

3. What are your first impressions of everyone based on this first challenge? OH GOD. i love benj!! benj is very organized so we started off pretty well. i threw out lush life randomly and then we decided to go with lush life, how cute!!! but yea, benj and mikki have done lots of works and i love THEM. RAFFY ALSO DID AMAZING in his parts!!! like he has PROPS and his camp is sooooo summery and AHH he's so great. blake.. ahem if blake didn't look at his lyrics at the first part, it would've been a bit better. and idk about khalid. i'm very worried cause khalid hasn't sent any of his parts yet. and like he seems inactive??? so idk but i don't wanna lose the points for full team participation :oooooh: I DIDNT JUST SHOW ANYONE I CANT DANCE TO LOSE AND I DIDNT HAVE TO DANCE AND MAKE MY LEGS ACHE JUST TO LOSE!!! SOBS!! but that is a sign that tells me i should exercise more x ANYWAYS!!!! its just interesting point to add x

4. What is your strategy going into the first portion of the game? trying to lay low and build some connections with ppl from my tribe. benj and raffy for sure. i rlly like their vibes so i need to stick with them. and just try not to lose challenges cause its gonna be suck voting one of them out. also, if we somehow win, i want to send someone who i can trust moving forward to exiled island.. but we'll see. its gonna be a lot of thinking and convincing people.

5. How do you want other people in the game to view you in the early stages of the game? as someone who they can trust and talk to and someone who always puts effort into challenges cause thats what most important in the first stage of the game.. i'll come back here after results x

HELLO AUTUMNS WORLD IM PISSED! not about raffy getting sent to the outback. its what raffy deserved. i like raffy so thats fine i just need to work on my relationship with him after he comes back. BUT KHALID. GOD. he just doesnt care about the challenge AT ALL. he was inactive. he didnt even talk about the challenge. and then coming to the chat and telling us SORRY after we have submitted… god thats BS. we literally all put our effort into this. and for someone who just dont care about the pandemic (idk about the uk but i guess they allow partying now) and go out and party. GOD i mean he’s going back to bahrain anyways WELL GUESS WHAT, HERE IS ANOTHER PLANE TICKET HOME. take that and sashay away babe

---

cause thats just FUCKED UP. everyone put their efforts in. benj — his leg is HURTING he cant move much btut he still did his parts and helped us with the editing. RAFFY — he literally worked 8 to 5 but he still found time to just shoot his parts and like more random parts. blake — well even though he didnt study the song much, he still did it and he is a team player. MIKKI — well u know i love mikki and ik how much shes in her head for this challenge but every scene she is on, i smile watching her because she just did it SO WELL PLUS she stayed up late for khalid and her health is not good. fucked up khalid u done fucked up enough. hope u enjoyed ur short time at autumns world.

First challenge, done, middle of the road WOOOOOOOOOOOOO, absolutely love that my music video streak has been continuing! Coming into this game, I felt absolutely nervous as hell about playing with 2 winners on my team, but in all honesty, I’m gonna take the Jinx approach- Embrace it, you don’t get another opportunity like this. I love the fact that I’m being more engaged than before and that’s what I want to be, especially in confessionals. I’m always trying to be better, and how can I better myself I HATE THE WAY MARV ALBERT PRONOUNCES PARENTHESES, YOU DON’T SAY IT LIKE “THE C’s”? JESUS MARV ITS GONNA BE YOUR LAST GAME YOU CALL IN YOUR CAREER COME ON MAN.

---

I hate to be called Joestradamus, but when Captain or Mikki get voted out first because of how tight knit they are, don’t @ me

*slides into splits* WE WON YES YES YES YES WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO YEAH

re khalid missing the challenge: no everyone in our team worked rlly hard on that except khalid who went out fucking partying then he lied about going to send the vid soon cause you know what if he already filmed his parts, looking for a vid and click send are not that hard he fucking told us he was about to send ASAP and then disappeared and then had the NERVE to tell us AFTER THE DEADLINE that he's so SORRY OH PLS

This tribe name is Autumn's last name backwards! https://thumbs.gfycat.com/VigorousBiodegradableIrishterrier-size_restricted.gif  

Now that that is out of the way, let me list my tribemates... Giraffez Joey Lily C Lily O Monty. Something is incredibly amusing about how there is a tribe with someone named Chips and someone named Giraffez. What is not amusing is that I get a "I don't like/want to speak to/etc." vibe from Giraffez? I could just be a delicate and annoying flower but our conversations have been short and dry. Joey has some great high energy and excitement and I love that he loves being part of this game. He is also pretty fun to talk to. Hoping that we can keep an open dialogue and that perhaps I can rope him into a future alliance of sorts. Lily C is a sweetheart truly and I adore her personality so much. She is such a go-getter and goes to bat for those with who she feels can be loyal. I'm hoping that we can build loyalty and trust together. Lily O has been busy with work at a bowling alley. That's actually really cool because when I was a child that was my dream job. Not even joking... my parents were in leagues when I was growing up and my brother and I entered ones designed for children. It was a big thing in my family and I thought that I would love to be in that "atmosphere" all the time. Anyway, we haven't spoken until after the results were announced so honestly if I had to guess I was their intended target if we had had tribal council and they were mine?? (perhaps...) It has been really nice getting to connect with Monty and really cool finding out that they are beginning job searching after college and thinking of pursuing education as a career. I have a soft spot in my heart for all educators.

Okay so I'm just going to say this now. Autumn needs to simplify the twists to more like Blue's Clues with an OBVIOUS large blue paw prints where I'm supposed to look. I have no idea what that announcement was about war rooming someone into the game and feel like I"m fifty million steps behind these big-brained people who figured it out. https://media2.giphy.com/media/m59avtxDzXeiQ/200.gif

I think that I missed the message about what we do with tickets or I'm still just as clueless as previously stated but I am intrigued nonetheless. I think even if I knew what to do with them I would just hoard them like I would Chuck E. Cheese tickets in case something else came along. Hope they're not like Fire Tokens and let you buy like Peanut Butter and Idols because I am anti- fire token. https://media.tenor.com/images/d7de1f75f2c43f8e044e958b964430fa/tenor.gif

On a side note, I'm paranoid when I see people on calls because even if they're not talking about me or plotting they are potentially aligning with each other and that does not include me. I don't really know much about how calls work on Discord as I am a pretty big noob generally speaking with the platform but it did say that Joey and Giraffez were on a call earlier?? I'm stressed. https://media0.giphy.com/media/3o7TKRwpns23QMNNiE/200.gif --- http://www.purplerockpodcast.com/wp-content/uploads/survivor-pearlislands-lillian-morris-post-savage-blindside.gif

https://voca.ro/1lb9WKsDr6xA

Ok.....so after talking to Joey a little ive learned a few things mikki is a bit of a beast Benj is well......social to and everyone despised Mesopotamia........which i get from the stuff that pumped me up to 16th place that season but I'm mostly hoping that i can make it to the end this time....... So far I've talked to pretty much everyone Lilly and Joey and monty not sure which one really but the one whose discord is 13survivirgirl13 so hopefully soon i can work out some kind of an alliance with them and if we swap or merge from three to two either next week or the week after (probably the week after honestly) i feel i can maybe set us up as one and us four can really rule the roost for a moment....hopefully.....who knows i could just he a delusional old queen whose doomed to be nothing more then premerge every time i play tumblr survivor......or maybe I'm just crazy *shrugs* either way it should be a damn good hoot

we won the first challenge, god bless. which brings up something funky i realized: that the best part about winning immunity is having the day off. and also…idk something just doesn’t sit right…the way autumn was emphasizing that someone would be eliminated from the game…like….hm……….idk….never trust a bitch named after a season!

omg we lost AHHHH but thankfully we have an easy boot sorry khalid im glad i dont have to vote mikki captain or blake eeek pls lets win the next one

I'm totally pumped for this game! Like when I saw my tribe and Jinx is on it I screamed! I want us to have the same success of being together at ftc!! Jude honestly is great to me and I'm enjoying getting to know her a lot, Ricky I remember from HvV4 but we both say no to that and start anew! Bryan I am hopeful to talk more since its been dry and that is okay. Sucks we ended losing Michelle early but I am sure it was for the best! We WILL reign successful

---

Yesterday was so stressful to me like editing I have no problem with but I thought my biggest worry was that I needed Bryan to submit stuff late-ish. But turns out an hour before due time thd program wanted to stop working 🙃🥲 and I felt so close to wanting to forfeit- which is something I never do but I just felt hopeless and guilty and even imagined getting voted out. So I had to call Jinx who assured me something could be salvaged and they'd make sure I would stay (rip Bryan) but after the extension by cool hosts I found encouragement and did my magic stuff. SOMEHOW we won and to be honest I dont think anything will top that feeling of relief in the org (give me 3 days) but man what a ride yesterday was for me!

I got a Super Idol! Well, at least I now know that I can fuck around in this game a little bit more since I have this extra insurance in my back pocket which guarantees I stay around in the long run. I want to start getting into alliances because being a solo person with not much time on their hands is definitely a scary position to be in. Preferably, I want an alliance with Nikki and Benj (though I suspect that they already have an alliance with at least one other person on the tribe). It does suck that I am not at tribal considering that it will help build my bonds even stronger. I guess I just have to suffer for the time being

i think this is gonna be an easy vote cause khalid needs to go. but idk you can never feel safe in survivor :/ but so far everyone has been telling me they're voting khalid so lets pray

Omg that immunity was so hard, I literally did not know what I was doing and I think out of everyone I was a bit lackluster. I will say on the tribe I have not really talked to all of them but I will say I trust Jinx the most and we have talked a lot and I think that moving forward we will have each others back. All I need to do is talk to the rest of the tribe and form bonds that will last me to a swap or merge. 

https://youtu.be/kKOciJGjrzw

https://youtu.be/mx7WPjx8zCk

---

khalid babe this ones for you 🥺 https://youtu.be/QX2boYNUbxw

[steponmepinkjun]

ok replying to the last ask from the shortie convo: i have decided that the issue isn’t my unintimidating appearance nor any lack of badassery in my chart, i simply need to start snapping on bitches. no more making excuses just committing a straight up murder, verbally, or maybe i’ll just start swinging. who knows. i Could be giving off that energy you describing but i’m clearly not so it’s probably just that i’ve been holding myself back. fuck that, it’s been too chummy over here i’m gonna start summoning demons n shit. haunting people via the astral plane. going to their house and moving all their furniture an inch to the left so they bump into everything. swapping their lube and laundry detergent. stealing peoples bank account numbers. selling their organs online. fucking their mans. nt’s who wanna try me aboutta catch these HANDS! YALL WANTED TO SEE A SCORPIO YALL GON GET STUNG BITCHES

i’m definitely taking this ego boost and running w it tho. ur right tho us scorpios go hard. in theory i’m like “yeah i’m a p selfish person i always put myself over everyone else even those i care about” when in reality if someone even Breathes incorrectly at any of my like 4.5 people i’ve decided are My People they aboutta feel the wrath of a GOD. i just been cast away too many times to put in that energy for most people tbh it’s hard bc i’m an extrovert snd i Want lots of friends but i’m picky w em. if i find them boring they’re getting left on read. if their sense of humour doesn’t bounce off mine like a motherfucking bouncy castle that you can safely do a triple backflip on, i’m not having it. if they can’t take my roasts with their head held high they ain’t lasting long. this criteria narrows it down to just abt everyone who don’t want me, apparently, and some randos on the internet. LMFAO. then again i’ve had people i just thought were ok and not fun enough to stick around for, be the ones reaching out to me n put the effort in to be my friend and i just 🥺🥴🤩🥺🥺 i’m gonna roast them shitless but if anyone else says so much as a single hair on their head being off i am annihilating their entire bloodline down to the 9th generation. you best not go around telling ppl how soft we are on the inside tho hoe i do Not strap a switchblade to my thigh for people to find out about my romanticism or how i daydream abt just hanging out w my best friends n doing The most domestic and normal things just bc i want to spend more time w them, no, shhh. keep it on the down low. also aquarians tend to scare me in terms of genuine friendships bc y’all so flaky like aquas would tell me “i love u so much ur like my favourite person ever” then ghost my entire existence until i ask them for a tbh on their insta story and turns out they thought i was too much and their friends all hate me, like, i love yalls sense of humour but OUCH. u may projectile vomit at ur taurus moon but that’s like Exactly what u need to balance that shit out cause taurians to be ride or die. like yeah they’re arguably “lazy” by generalisation but that’s just bc their motivation is Extremely tunnel visioned towards whatever makes them happy and if that’s you you’re getting Showered in love n affection and attention and yall stubborn as a brick wall but loyal to a fault. us scorpios need thst shit bro we need that Stability taurians provide, esp since they’re so sturdy they tend to be able to handle our intensity well without being scared off. no taurus slander in this household will be tolerated unless it’s from me 😤😤😤 -felix bi anon

I'm tellliiiing you, you need to start smackin bitches. Cause I've met baby scorps that don't realize they literally are The Babe With The Power, and then full scorps who know that smackin tf out of someone is ONLY A PROBLEM to bitches who know they do shit they deserve to get slapped for 😂

I'm always honestly confused when people say Aquarians are cold or detached or unemotional ☹️because I genuinely don't get it 😭 like, we are some of the most emotional people on fuckin planet earth, to our own detriment—I think we just have an ego problem and we also tend to be extremely contrarian, so whenever someone thinks they know us or what we're about, we pull the rip cord because no one could EVAAAAA, and it's insulting that they think they could 😂 But I've always known Aquarians to be some of the most sensitive bitches, we just don't externalize it because our world is internal, we don't share w the world, we create our own. We are flakier than a fresh baked fuckin Popeyes biscuit tho, that is the gods honest truth. We will decide on the drive to ur place that we're no longer invested and just up and turn around and go back to bed without a word. I think what the outside world intercepts as being cold or aloof in Aquarians is actually just the fact that we really struggle with Casualness and take everything WAY too seriously and are extremely idealistic, and we're so used to being made fun of for being too serious or too passionate that we just like. Stop showing up mentally to a lot of spaces. Especially if what we're excited about is something other people find weird, we jsut go "okay I won't share joy with you anymore cause you're a bitch." I've also never known another Aquarian who doesn't feel an extremely strong sense of intuition, coupled with a really black and white thinking, that makes us quickly gauge how compatible someone's values etc are with ours and if we have an inkling it's not gonna work, we just dip. I'm totally guilty of thinking someone is my kindred spirit and then they say one thing that makes me feel differently and I just cut ties, cause I know that they won't change and I can't abide by our differences, so it feels like an insurmountable problem and we just shut it down and move on. We think too much about shit lmfao. My problem with Taurians has always been that, in my experience, they have this deep emotional capacity because they think of their life through the lense of classic film, so being the hopelessly devoted friend or the lovestruck ingenue is appealing to them for that reason, so they can picture their actions from a 3rd person pov and feel that the audience will react positively to their character. To people/signs that are internally motivated rather than externally, that can read as not being genuine, and that's been my large experience with taurus. I don't hate Taurians, I have a lot of them in my life, but the Taurus in my chart only exacerbates the natural dramatic nature i have and makes me unbearable a lot of the time lmfao. I'm idealistic enough as it is, my moon in taurus just makes me INSANELY emotional about romance and friendships to a degree that keeps me from having them because I NEED it to be storybook, it has to be perfect or I can't handle it. I'd sum up the taurus/Aquarius dynamic as us feeling uneasy about them because they're very driven, but we feel it's for the wrong reasons, if that makes sense.

[maisietheyellowlab]

Time for a life update! just bc I feel like writing it down, not like anyone asked tbh. Long post ahead, just so u know, if u decide to continue reading. Mostly abt mental health and related stuff.

Ok so I’ve been complaining about my mental health for the past year probably and about 3 weeks ago I finally had my first appointment with a psychiatrist. I initially needed a note from him so I can continue studying next year bc I was abset a lot etc. but I also wanted to see a professional, bc I kept on going between “ok this is not normal I feel really bad” and “I’m just whining and makign stuff up I’m just lazy not ill”. Turns out he agrees how I’ve been feeling is not normal, so I can rely on that and not get lost in the “I’m jsut making it up” circle all the time. He did say that it could be depression or, and I rly didn’t exect this, a longer lasting burn out. Like I always thought I wasn’t doing enough, not that I was doing too much, but I guess full time studying + work + taking care of a dog + activities + living on my own (w some helps tho) could be overwhelming. 

I didn’t wanna try meds right away, so he suggested I try to push myself a bit when I don’t feel like going outside or meeting up with people, try some exercise that I haven’t abused for ed like behaviors yet, and just try to do things that make me happy like dog training classes and drawing and all that stuff. I have a check up in January but if it gets worse I can call before.  I’ve started to do a bit of yoga, honestly thought I wouldn’t like it bc ppl make it seem super insanely spiritual sometimes, but it feels really nice and calming so far. I’ve said yes to a trip to bf’s friend’s place at the seaside for his birthday, knowing there would be 8 or more people, half or more of which I don’t know, which sounded overwhelming and uncomfortable, and it turned out just fine, so I’m pushing the social aspect a little too. I used to be p ok with this but I get anxious with many new ppl and kidna shut down sometimes so this was a much better outcome than expected. Not perfect, but I was relaxed most of the time which is GREAT. Oh and I’m gonna start an 6-8 week program with a dog trainer with Maisie, bc she’s developed a few “problems” in the past few months, (mostly it’s just that some of the behaviors we trained for weren’t well proofed, so it’s all messy now, nothing huge tho, it’s jsut annoying on walks mostly) bc I wasn’t as consistent or got stuck with training at some point bc I can’t really see what I’m doing wrong myself, so I’m really excited about that! 

Oh, and I’m giving myself some time to not work or look for a job, bc I never let myself take a break with work bc it makes me extremely anxious when I know I’m not able to work yet but then I think I *have to* just bc everyone else is working and financially taking care of themselves (which is not entirely true and ppl who I compare myself to are mostly mentally and physically healthy so...). I’m lucky enough to have some savings and bf’s got my back too, so I can afford this work break rn. So I guess this is all kind of looking up right now..

On the other hand, my grandpa is getting more and more passive like generally in life, has some sort of psychotic-like episodes at night sometimes and he’s prob not gonna live very long, at least that my family thinks. And my bf’s mom had a cancerous tumor in her colon, which has been removed already, but she’ll prob have to do chemo too. She doesn’t wanna talk about it either and jsut wants to tell everyone that everything is fine but it isn’t, like, you have cancer, maybe tell someone and let us help if we can.... I mean but ok, everyone deals w stuff in their own way I guess. the grandpa thing isn’t as worrisome to me bc I’m not very close to him and it’s more natural, like he’s been healthy and p happy all his life.. Bf’s mom on the other hand worries me a lot. She’s so helpful and kind, ofc she has her flaws but she’s a wonderful person and I really hope she’ll be ok. 

Anyways tho, I’m trying to stay hopeful, bc a LOT of cancer petients survive and live well (like my grandma, she’s had breast cancer 3 yrs ago and seems to be doing really well now) + she’s a doctor herself and I’m hoping she caught the tumor in the earlier stages and has more chances to live. And she knows doctors so she’ll definitely get very good treatment. 

So my goals are to become more active again, be a bit more social, do more dog training and other things I like, finish my last semester of my bachelor’s psychology program in spring/summer, write my bachelor’s thesis in a year (or before if I’ll have to, I guess) AND get well enough to finally get the puppy #2. 

Tbh, the puppy motivates me the most by far, bc my education doesn’t really make me happy, but Maisie really does and I wanna explore more of the dog world with her and another pup. I don’t think I really want to work in the field of psychology anyways, I realized I’m much more drawn to jobs that involve dogs and are more hands on, but I have no idea how to get there atm. Dog stuff jsut makes me excited for life

[brothalynchhung]

2019 overview.

this year.. was fucking two years in one. also a little late again but whatever. this is going to be long as FUCK. 

started 2019 in dubai

spent the first couple of days in Dubai on the beach

YOOO AS AM WRITING THAT IT FEELS SO FUCKING LONG AGO HOLLYY SHITT

went to London and just fucked around dt and chinatown lost that damn snake ring fml

I got drunk eating dumplings watching Jeffrey star in that bed LMFAOOOYOO LMFAOOOOOEGJEORIGHSREUG

got back to Ottawa and it was straight GRIND from the get go

back to my last semester of uni 

back to club m (omg.. I miss:( kinda lol)

started that govt job

back to social media marketing for Dubai

3 jobs + school basically

did that dumbass STUPID FUCKING govt job all the way in quebec that I woke up for and travelled for everyday 

would go straight to gym, work again, or school fml

wasn't entirely bad I kinda needed it cuz I applied to a million jobs during that time and did school work LMAO also printed a lot of important shit and got paid so whatever

CAME TO TORONTO IN MARCH W TRAND OMG I FORGOT THAT WAS 2019

SAW VINCE STAPLES!!

AND The fortune teller who like prophisized all this shit goddddd 

iconic if I must say

little did I know...

I miss movati fml lol

working at club Monaco omg ugh they gave me life honestly

fun times w trang cc precious Courtney mich JACK Amanda Raman donia even tho she annoying lol and whoever else I worked w jana jil Daria honestly I just miss Courtney LMFAO uhh jenn was cool too 

I'm never going to forget that place I swear to god I have so much loyalty and pride for my memories for that place im never going to take my experience there for

chilling with avid Vinny and like Alex a bit LMAO he would randomly ask to chill it was weird

that Chinese dinner and chat time thing in his car WHAT WAS THATTT

chilling like a scrub a cu with hector and that crew goddLMAO

avin vin rideau gang

visiting avid at nordstorm the Rui girl and Herman lol he was sofunny

MY BODY IS FOR ME NOT THESE BITCHES LMFAOO 

last class with strangle omg he was iconic honestly 

trang pargol fidede zainab mannnn honestly shoutout old Ottawa friends 

xinyii!! and jelly!! my last times with them

I miss Xinyi so much :( im so happy I got to see her before leaving she was so nice I wish her so much success 

remember working those last shifts at cm like.. yo I feel like things are going to change and my days are numbered.. I feel it. 

did interview after interview, applying EVERYDAY to escape 

the amount of focusing I did on applying around feb and April like I was just focused on working and getting out of there

did two interviews in like 2 hours always on the go always moving always working 

and then like clockwork.. at the govt job.. went to the bathroom knew? to bring my phone with me.. and then right when I left I got a call from mk went into that empty conference room and got the offer. cried. accepted. life changing

I honestly just left that place... went to cm and just.. resigned... put my two weeks in...

and it happened literally in my last week of the govt job..

like fate 

immediately went home told cc precious fam 

fam weren't happy 

BUT I FINALLY ESCAPED!!!! LOOKING BACK ON THIS BLOG AND EVERYTHING I FINALLY F I N A L L Y GOT OUT OF THERE THE BITCH ASS CURSED SHIT CITY NEVER GOING BACKEGIUEHGEIRUGH 

shout out precious for helping me honestly he helped so much 

found my place through hmida who held it down

that whole condo scenario LOL godddd my landlord a HOE

met zgy gvy at precious while I crashed a night

THE MILLIONS OF RIDESHARESSS GOODDDDDD

remember the one I took last minute from Yorkdale LMAO that one wasn't bad honestly I slept good

moving my things packaging them up. like yo.. lol

bringing the boxes from shoppers godddd LOL 

finally landed in Toronto with my place

waiting outside for 5 hours for my damn keys crazy with my suitcase lol... 

THEN FINALLY GOT TO MY FIRST PLACE!! MY FIRST RENTAL CONDO ALL ON MY OWN NO ROOMATES JUST ME

unpacking my things

like just finally having my own place mannn that was my dream for such a long ass time

getting around dt a bit getting used to tdot... 

crazy exciting 

then... 3 days in..

...

met that bitch that fucked me up 

met everything I ever wanted in a person? physically and interest wise and yet?

nothing? 

SO CONFUSED I MET SOMEONE WITH EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I WANTED

first hookup? lost v? 

new city new job new life new home lost v new everything

in 3 days. 

my life crazy..

spent the whole time like until October till low-key NOW just thinking about it bitterly 

my feelings up and down I was drowning in obsession and confusion

I know I fucked it up but it was fucked up since the beginning

shook everything about what I thought I wanted in gl or a person

standards are definitely raised and all men trash and hoes Idgaf

I feel nothing towards nobody

my whole mind switched to money and power. 

gl I love you but you're not here and we got a lot growing to do so imma see ya ass in a couple of years 

anyways started working at mk!!! craziest 3 month probation thing I had 

HOWWW DID I DOOOO ITTTTTTT 

met so much people... holy shit.. zgy,gvy,hailey,gab,aisha,priya,rach,lisa,alex,DANIA, goddddd

clubbing.. mon., thurs... weekenddd... wake up... 8:30 work

how did I do it.... fuck lol

met a lot of hoes.. fucked with Sunday once more before he died bye bitch ass hoe.. Leo, sleeve, uhhh that's it I think actually

CABANNNAAAA

OMG I SAW SEAN PAUL LIVE ICONICC YOO THIS FUCKING YEAR LMFAOOOOO

omg YEAH I SAW NCT IN MY FIRST WEEK OF TO WITH PARGOL LMFAOOO YOOOOO

damn this year was crazy I keep forgetting shit

all the weird ass ppl I met at cabana omg the humber guy YOO THE ASIAN GUY WITH MY KEYS LMFAOOO ZGY FUCKLMFGIESH

omg tsf lmao and like yeah all the clubbing ppl in to fuck 

half and half like didnnt know if I liked it or not but it was crazy

still think about that Frans night the damn milkshake and food omggg

just spent summer exploring to trinity Bellwoods ossington like summer stories clubbing stories

managing my double life lol

SPIDERMAN OBSESSION LMAOOOO TO DISTRACT MY MIND FROM THAT BITCH ASS HOE LMFAOOFREJGIEURHSTESUIH THEN I FOUND OUT HE HAS A WHOLE WIFE AND BABY YOOO LMFAOOO

good distraction made work fun when I needed it during my last months of probation LMAO

omg going home during lunch and then back to work ICONIC

leaving the girls at my place and coming back for lunch LMAOOO god really iconic honestly showering and going back to work sleeping hoeing all that LMFAO 

omg the time I left Leo at my place YOO LMAO

still have that expensive ass sweater LMFAO WAT A SIMP

those drunk texts he sent Me in august and I punked him off LMFAOO 😩😂

men trash 

darren Chris rob goddd all those damn ppl I met the one guy who saved me during that blacTHE BLACKOUT CABANNA NIGHT GOD THAT WAS A MESS LMAO TITTIES OUT EVERYTHING but yeah he was low key useless I forget his name highboy but whatever

YOOO THAT GIRLS TITTIES I SLEPT ON NGEIRGHEUHUE ICONIC

I got catfishes twice 😩 the change bitch and the John bitch airehguerihserh FUCKKK LMFAO

AND THEN THE CHANG BITCH WAS TRYNA SAY OH U JSUT LOOK TO ARAB THATS WHY WE HAVNET TALKED AGAINL IKE BITCHHHHH FIRST OF ALL UR A WHOLE CATFISHFHERGUERBKSHETERU AHERUIGESRUYR LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

and then I catfish Sunday to punk him off for revenge and call him a thot and thought he was talking about me for catfish when it was just about another bitch he was hoeing with cuz he a hoe.. Jesus my life wild

SO MUCH SHIT THIS SUMMER UHERGHSREG

gained weight fml I don't even wanna mention it iDONT WANNA TALK

even if it is muscle I dDONT WANNT TALK ABOUT IT

the cabana pool jump... godd... walking home drunkregiuhersguhe fucK 

summer was crazy

nada and mama coming wow that was annoying I rlly can't do family even though I love them

getting high swimming the catfish racing munchies arguing with Alex LMAO 

eating out with Dania gab Lisa the normal ppl I met lool

a lot of stress of money and where I want to go I was in a hella rush idk why I think everything happening so fast made me not want to slow down at all but im finally slowing down 

priya end of the year rebel tiff stuff 

basically drowning in depress and regret around the end of summer cuz everything calmed down and I had the time to think and reflect about everything and yeah.. got super depressed

that bitch cc and her bullshit yo just fucking go bye

notice how there's like no memories with her like yeah there was but they were just annoying cuz she was annoying highkey

thanks for bringing my shit from Ottawa tho dumbass LOL eat a dick

THE HOT TUBBBB SUMMERSSS AND SUMMER NIGHTS 

omg all my emo ass walks at night to the port and water and trillium park in the morning aiohreughresehre writing with my journal god that was actually nice tho 

super peaceful so happy to live near the water highkey

always in between losing myself who am I what do I do now who am I like did I lost myself did I ever have myself

major existential crisis

how did I survive work god 

musicmusiscmusicccc

moviesmovesmoves

readreadread

actually I had a lot of night walking home from the club sad

omg remember the ovo guy fucking loser liar 

as usualllll 

RECORDRESCORSDCRECORDDSSS SO MANY TDOT IS PERFECTT

ugh what else fuck too much shit happened OH YEAH

my birthday with the girls and the bbq!! the cake!! omg so nice :((( so funny lol

that weirdo ass man that I still see in the gym sometimes god help me lol 

passing my probation!!!! and then like finally fitting in and feeling apart of mk and the “family” lol

CLARK KENT AND SCOTTISH MANS MAKING MY LIFE EVRYDAYYYYYugh love them

got a moomin from Scottish mans 🥺 love him

anyways got depressed drowning in obsession.. nothing surprising there 🙄 

got high and drunk like bottom of the barrel... 

right before pargol came LMAO 

oh yeah I went to Ottawa because yo I was going out of my mind about losing myself.. needed to go BACK to the place I hated to find myself

went back and it was like??? everything was the same.. still saw vin and avid and Herman at Rideau still had bbt with them 

still fucking around hector and that whole crew had Ivan his girl moe.. ribal..Kyle YO lol that weird ass club experience AS USUAL Ottawa clubs trash god

apple picking same year in a row wit z <3 and hamza and fams lol

saw the kids and got to be stupid again loool 

anyways came back to my actual life

like it just felt weird knowing that the place I had all my memories and experiences in like.. felt nothing

even the forest felt weird like I didn't need to be there anymore?

as much as tried to drown myself in obsession and my past and bad habits.. I couldn't?

im being forced to move forward and learned Sunday was the last experience it was just eye opening

after the emotional shit I sat down again and had a whole purging 

I never felt that bad and horrible and drowned in obsession since raglan..

like.. deleted the hidden pictures... the feeling.. like I've done this before...

that was the final straw..

you think its over just because I am dead but its not over..the games just begun.

never again. 

anyways I met Aisha!!! love her vibe with her heavy

introduceed me to the sugar shit YOOOO LMFAOOO

THEN WE STARTING PIMPIN AND MAKING EXTRA MONEY

NO MORE MONEY STRUGGLE 

GOT FUCKED OVER HEART TURNED COLD NOW WE FOCUSING ON MONEY CAREER POWER PLAYING THESE HOES FOR THEY MONEY AND RECLAIMING MYSELF 

weird ass fucking people but get the money and go 

stack up crazy and saving up this past few months 

and just chilling w friends and therapy sessions

scheming and planning for the future

therapy sessions

got close with Lisa

oh yeah BOLO!! UGH BEST GYM

ALSO OMG I FORGOT I SAW BROCKHAMPTON AGAIN!!! AND SOMEHOW GOT TO THE BARRIER AND LITERALLY HAD SO MUCH INTERACTION WITH KEVIN LIKE SINGING TOGETHER AND THEN HE CAME DOWN SAID I GOTCHU AND TOOK TWO PICS WITH ME FUCKGIERGEIUTHSEUH THAT WAS INSANEEE MY LIFE WILDDDD 

iconic holiday party and New Years with again like random weird ppl and my girls exemplifying how wild and fresh the whole experience of this year was 

at least I be waking up warm and clean in MY PLACEby myself with no bullshit 

just like.. got a new place new job new city basically live the life I always wanted? reading movies? new friends no problems? wtf how my life change so quick

new interesting experiences

getting drunk high dancing at my place out in these streets just meeting bare people all these new people and experiences holy shit... 

and like yeah im not where I want to be but this progress and process is FUN now 

everything a strategy and a move and love staying busy 

wish I had more free time tho I never feel rested my life fucking crazy LOOL

that weirdo bitch who thought he was dating me UGHHH BOTTOM OF THE BARRELL JUST FOR A CAR AND FOOD BITCHARE U CRAZY 

power trip crazy im so sorry jfc 

anyways block and move on

met Chris and we still talking for like 3 months in a row god... lol gunna see him Saturday idk was the HALE going on 

im like surrounded by hoes???? and I don't want it GOD I JUST BEEN FOCUSING ON ME AND MONEYFUCK EVERYONE ELSE 

idek what else maybe im missing shit but this whole year wild best year of MY LIFE though

idk what the fuck gunna happen in 2020 cuz my split lives and the chaos and playing hoes and always thinking about opportunity and abundance and money got my mind and moves all wrapped in strategy but we only ONNLY ONLYYY GOING UP from here no excuses lets fucking go I always say this but 2019 was fucking wild and you know what.. lets fucking go 2020 LETS FUCKING GO as long as I don't gain weight LMFAO lets fucking GO. money and power on my mind exclusively. gl imma see you in 2 years. focusing on bigger things but at least im OUT HERE and ESCAPED and we onLY ATTRACTING AND MANIFESTING ABUNDANCE 

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[dredshirtroberts]

y’all it’s been a month and i’m drunk so i’m gonna ramble

you know what FUCK HIM.

i have wasted my life focusing and obsessing over people who are not deserving of my loveliness.

Like i’m a disaster trashcan don’t get me wrong, but fuckin’....i’m worth more than people who don’t give a fuck about me.

there’s one guy right now that i’ve kinda been focused on for a lil while but I know it’s not ever going to happen so i’m just like...*shrug emoji*

but like...of all the people i’ve ever liked he’s probably the closest to someone i’d actually be happy with.

and i’ve been struggling with the whole sexual identity thing recently because honestly, i like dudes a lot more than i like the ladies - but I DEFINITELY like some ladies y’all. so like...i’m super attracted to the masculine, but I feel uncomfrotabel with that because I feel like...that’s not allowed?????

idk

Also I’m not sure how I feel about vagina...like...i don’t even like my own so how’m i supposed to like someone elses’sess? 

Fuck

I have a super high libido but like I don’t have “sexual attraction” i think? unless sometimes??? fuckin...

y’all my sexuality has always been a grey space and part of that is because I’m gender fluid but my preferences don’t change with my gender so it’s like super...idk

I should not be doing a text post this far into my cups y’all.

but I got some good music and I got a Big Ass Bottle of wine (BAB) that i’m onlay like...a third thru. and I’m lookin to get CRUNK tonite.

my fucikn disliexia man. i can’t spell for SHIT anymroe.

but i dont’ have to TRY. like...ain’t no one gonna judge me for my spelling and if they do what the fuck ever man. I ain’t got no one to please but myself and I can’t fuckin’ spell.Never done been able to do so in the first place.

I just...

I’m trying to get my shit together and it’s really fuckin hard because I honestly...am not cut out for capitalism. I’m looking at alternative jobs until my dad can hire me on full time because fuckin...i don’t want to be beholden to a fuckin corporation. i just wanna chill and handle my schedule on my time. need to do banking? I can go handle that at any point in the day and not worry about how long my break is. Wanna treat myself to lunch? Fuck yeah, go to lunch and enjoy yourself bitch. Need a haircut? Just do it hunty. 

I just...

I love the experience my current job has given me but i hate hte work. I don’t wan tot do it. how can I work from home and make a reliable amount of money? Maybe I start writing listicles. fuck yeah I coudl do that. 

Mom gave me a super nice compliment last saturday. Apparently I write well when I’m inspired. So like...if I could do that for the rest of my life I totes would because I FUCKIN LOVE writing my thoughts out. y’all i’m so good at it too. 

my glass is empty and i gotta pee...fuck...gimme a second.

...

aiight we back

fuckin...

So when I was younger my favorite bestest memories with my family were my parents and I just sitting down with a hockey game or anything paused on the fuckin tv while we just...sat and goddman...kibitzed. If that’s not a word it is now.

So in order to do the thing now I just turn my music up so I can’t ear anything else on whatever music app I’ve got while I get drunk as fuck and scroll thru the internet and shit.

I can’t fuckin read when I drink (barely can type so like...y’all if you can read this you fuckin amazing and you deserve a hug when I get to see you next) so like i’m limited. plus with the music up I don’t listen to videos I watch so...if I ever reblog a thing that the music is very bad (tm) let me know and I’ll listen to it properly because I probably did not listen.

I just...

fuck i just wanna make out with someone you know? I fuckin love kissing y’all. Kiss me all day long. I’m a fuckin sucker for it. Anyone. doesn’t matter if who you are or what your are or wahtever, I just wanna kiss you. cause like...that’s what I enjoy. no strings, no feelings (unless you want there to be). I haven’t had a proper makeout session in AGES. since I moved from c-burg. and even then that was...relatively not so great because dude could not kiss at ALL. i miss it y’all. i miss kissing so fuckin much. 

And the saddest part of my whole life? i have had so few chances to kiss and make out and fuckin I spent the past four and a half years with someone who didn’t even like it.

I wasted that time when I could ahve been kissing someone who fuckin’ deserved it and wasn’t a self-centered asshole.

cause like..FUCK HIM. He fucked me the fuck over and wants to play the victim. I’m tired of trying to be chill about shit and the bigger person and not slander his fucking name because he fucked me up. I’m fucked the fuck up because of him! I am so screwed and I had some part in the failing of our relationship I don’t want to deminish that fact but frankly I was not the biggest contributer to the bad bits. Frankly I did the most to try and keep that hsit together and he did fuckin NOTHING. 

I’m glad his mother lvoes him because otherwise he’s fuck out of luck y’all. Can’t even take care of his fuckin self. I mean I can’t take care of me neither but like...I’m better at it than he is.

I at least know how to run a household. 

DANCE FLOOR COVER OF I’M WITH YOU HOLY SHIT OKAY MY 13YO SELF IS JUST HAVING A MOMENT OKAY???

but yeah like...i fuckin...bent over goddamn backwards for a grown ass man who couldn’t function further than a 16 yo boy and you know they ain’t got self-sufficiency. I was the younger in the relationship but I was lightyears (yes i know it’s a distance) ahead of him maturity-wise.

is it so wrong to want to be taken care of, for once? I’ve spent my whole life caring for others and caring for myself. can’t someone care for me? just occasionally. id on’t really ask for much. I honestly just want someone to be cuddly with me and care about me. Take care of me when I’m sick like I take care of them when they’re sick. not ignore me, or brush me off when I’m talking, but understand when I’m needing time to myself.

Someone to sit with me and listen to music and drink and have a good time. Watch comedy specials and fun shows that we BOTH like. or at least show some interest in finding out what I enjoy and maybe giving it a try. Do you know how many things I gave up entirely because he wouldn’t enjoy them? so many. mroe than I want to think about.

I jsut...

I changed my life for him and I can’t get what I had back for a very long time and I am so MAD. but like at the same time...fuck him, you know?

like...he doesn’t deserve any emotional energy i’m putting into this. 

And...and the cats? Yeah...talking about that finally was a turning point for me. I’m still really fucked up about it but...I’ll move on. I lived so many years without anyone or anything relying on me and me not relying on anyone. I can do it again. 

Shit I’ve been more comfortable since i movd out. I haven’t even really felt lonely. I just...there are some aspects of a relationship that i miss even though some of them I never had in the first place???

so i’ve been missing them since before I was in a proper relationship? I’m 27 and I haven’t had a partner who gave a shit about me, ever. I have never had anyone have a crush on me and if they have then they apparently didn’t give enough of a shit about that to bring it up. I’ve had crushes on so many people and I’m terrible with secrets so anyone I’ve had a crush on has been told. 

and all of them are in happy healthy relationships. well. or halfway across the globe and I told them at the worst possible itme and I have like 0 chance because he definitely does not give a shit about me outside of frienship. but that’s fine.

it’s not but i’m going to pretend it is because...well...in some ways I’m more comfortable living in my fantasy world where i can maladaptively daydream about shit that will never happen because it’s easier.

anyway...

this has gone on for a lot longer than initially intended and i have no idea what iv’e written but i know it’s laden with typos. sorry abt that.

i love you all and you all are completely and utterly special to me. i hope you have a lovely evening/night/day and i want you to know that i care about you and your health and safety. don’t forget to drink water and get proper amounts of sleep for your situation. i love you <3

[lemongogo]

ok not to be cliche but i can 100% relate to your family post, not that I'm saying i understand how you feel or anything because we all have different things happening but i have the same situation where i pretty much am the disappointment but fuck it i have so many things to push me thru and i just really wanna let u know that you have the whole voltron com. or any other community or your friends to support you!! plz don't let your family put you down, i won't let my folks put me down anymore!!

sorry to hear that you also have these feelings too. if i could take them away i would. being constantly reminded of what you dont do, cant do, and wont do in relation to your siblings and quite literally everybody else around you is so mentally degrading on a daily basis that im actually surprised ive made it this long with them. i was honestly feeling really good this week, like i didnt have one break down nor did i get too overtly anxious about anything- i had the energy and the motivation to do what was required of me @ w my job and its such a difference now that they’re back. i automatically feel so drained already bc it feels like they just suck the life out of me. they make me want to just lay down and not exist anymore because quite literally nothing is good enough for them. when theyre not always dragging me through the dirt about this or that, its like they dont even care abt me and im sorry to just spew all of my personal issues out there but like ? they are obviously more involved in my brother and sister than they are with me and that does absolutely nothing to help me want to even go out and do stuff with my life though. i dont get praised for good grades, good scores, work outside of home, etc. instead everything is always a critique because im not where they want me to be i guess. like?? its so unbelievable jsut how little i care about my family and that honestly scares me a lot. people talk about the relationships they have with their parents and it just makes me realize how messed up mine is? i dont hug my parents, i dont tell them anything personal, i dont tell them that i love them nor do they do it either, i dont talk to them about what im interested in, i fight with them daily, etc.

its just so hard to go through this every. single day and i think this is the first time ive realized just how bad it is? like how much i want to fucking die when they’re near me jc

but thank you for taking the time to send this to me alongside your support. as bad as it sounds, it helps to know that there are people who are also in this position who know just how exhausting it is to deal w/ this all. of course i wouldnt wish this on anybody nor would i be glad that theyre dealing with this either, but idk its nice to know im not alone. its kinda moments like these that help me realize that it wont be like this forever- once i move out to college i can focus on myself 100% without so much as needing to see or hear them every day. its silly but its the tiny part of me that wants to be petty and accomplish more that my family has in their lives that keep be going :/ thank you so much for letting me know that you guys are here for me though, like that honestly means more than you could imagine. also, thank you for keeping yourself in mind throughout all youve been through as well; im glad youve found things to help you go along and i hope the rest of your day goes well

[tealime9]

rant???? yeah ignore this is 3AM remembering bad person

that i am lol and- OH MY GOD THE FUCKING UNDER READ WORKS. cool.

i was in an outdated part of tumblr which didnt let me post, im not gonna write again but keep rambling.

ahem

I mean really im feeling a lot of pressure sticking in.

End of college!

Getting a job!! (how do you job??? how do you talk in a interview?????? I DONT KNOW IF MY WORK IS WORTHY AT ALL?????)

relationships!!!

ART BLOCK ?! ?! ?! ?!

DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND EMPATHY KICKING IN!!!!!!

LIKE FOR DAMN REAL????

I DONT THINK DISTRACTING IS WORKING AT ALL??? OF COURSE ITS NOT!!!!

I AM PRETENDING TO KNOW ANYTHING AND BEING AN ADULT AND I APARENTELY CANT EVEN BE FUCKING RESPONSIBLE???? IM TRYING BUT WHAT

WHAT IS HAPPENING

CMON GOTTA CHANGE GOTTA BE BETTER AND and..

and what the hell really.

I know im depressed hitch.

like tbh its like my 3th year of high school

except is not im feeling like im going to die in the woods whatever THE FUCK was that feeling.

I feel hopeless. I feel like its not being worth of even waking up.

I feel like this might be a year i fucking kill myself dude. for presure???? what is this being so stupid.

what. jsut. WHAT.

I hate how im always awake. I hate how im always kinda cocon and my feelings get in the way.

I...

I dont wanna exist. I dont want any of this.

I hate this feeling.

Im gonna fucking search a therapist. Its needed!!! hahahahahahhahahaha oh goodness.

Im a wreck of human being. Let me be. Its...

Its time to tell.

I fucking caaaaant.

*sigh*. okay not the best lift but better than anything? wake up tomorow, hope Jazz come to help me somehow. 

(hope maybe Alex will become a damn host cuz lmaooooooo its. wow. but hey im happy Gem is also back and having more golly time)

You know, I noticed how i get to end up surfacing and fronting while with others. because i see something interesting that might make me happy? and then  I. I just end up coming to see and experience and then I fail it.

I screw up everything. I hold everyone back. My life? do I even want to be my life???

I guess I do.

But life aint just pleasure and i dont know why I dont understand that YET????

ugh

not being easy. no matter how much im supressing my emotions and yeah I shouldnt but wow yeah thats happening.

Im scared.

 yeah.

Tomorow. Jazz me and Alex aight? therapist seeking pool and idfk whatever u want. buy a skateboard for all I care. dont forget the helmet.

oh!maybe a bit of. doing the- yeah I’ll do the dishes thanks for reminding me. But no. Talking with R friend as soon as possible abt the job stuff and anxiety and all. curriculum idk. Go to the google one like F friend said!!!!

edit: also i feel hopeless seing my country being ruled over a idiot who want to destroy everything and makes us look worse to the world outside and im like what the fuck but worse he took the fucking human right from lgbtq people like???? and want to destroy amazonia cuz damn greedy farmers and took the rights from the lands of the native people and they re getting fucking killed and  and.

and I dont know what to do. I feel like I should do some hero/anti hero shit thing and want to go ape shit but i aint shit to do that and im like. What the hell do I do???? 

feeling like isolating trying to see other things but that doesnt change and I dont know what to do. Sincerely want to tear open some people that gave him any kind of fucking support like ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID CONGRATULATIONS YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS WITHOUT ANY EMPATHY AT ALL.

and now im becoming apathetic and at the same time not cuz im trying to ignore and everytime i remember that i feel like fucking go ape shit and i cant and its just.

stressful. stressful fucking year. 

thats one more whys i want to freaking kill myself ahahahhahahahhahhahhaha I see no hope and dont know how any can go better OR MYSELF GOING BETTER IM SCARED MAN .

edits over i think

ok i’ll try to sleep bye