#like there was a drastic change - same w my ed.

[beeapocalypse]

haunted once more by a dumb character idea

[29121996]

.

[cherchersketch]

I got Married to a Villain / I’ve been Proposed to by a Villain

Isekai-ed into a novel? Fake married engaged?  ~Stoic~ ML who is only ~soft~ around the FL??? Give me 10 more

Summary That’s right, we got another FL isekai-ing into another novel. Our girl knows the ML’s gonna kill her for witnessing his ~murderiness~ because that’s what she read in the novel. She keeps running away but he keeps trying to catch her and then... *surprise proposal* :0 Totally because he needs her for strategic getting-into-tea-parties reason. Nothing more. This is just a strategy, your honour. No romance here. Nope. 

Tropes   - isekai-ed into a death flag   - this is just a strategic marriage he/she would never love me   - why the empress dowager always evil   - what do you mean I’ve drastically changed the plot the original story events will still happen

FL - Regina Blois

 - anxiety 100%  - protecc the cinnamon roll  - BFFs with the original FL, you love to see it  - these FLs always so obsessed with the ~original plot~ they barely notice their own feelings, let alone the ML’s ;w;  - super special awesome ~*only healer*~ 

ML - Duke Arsene Greroy

 - of course the ML is handsome (unfortunately he also knows this)  - him eyes glow when him ANGRY  - ~murder~ for the greater good  - the guy always falls in love first ;w;  - slightly posessive but I like it when they eventually acknowledge it and tone it down yay for ~character development~

Rating: I enjoyed my time reading this Had less episodes than I expected but was a pretty satisfying ending. Not ~the best~ but still a really fun and interesting read.  Status (as of 3 Feb 2023) Complete.

Same Same but Different   - The Reason why Raeliana ended up at the Duke’s Mansion   - Love Lies

full rec list

[rplayford02]

Directing

w/ McMorran

Since Ben is also directing this trimester, he invited me along to block out a couple scenes from our scripts together.

We met at screen academy and talked through the bathroom scene where Eli meets Daisy for the first time. I feel like it will be the performance that really sells this scene and I wasn’t entirely sure how we were going to segue into Eli discovering the symbol on the wall. We talked through the characters motivations, wants, needs etc. We thought about their backstory, tried this acting exercise by Meisner which involves making observations about your scene partner and reaffirming/countering every observation they make about you. It took me a minute to get used to it and then eventually it started to feel natural. I found myself feeling really present and entirely focused on what Ben was saying and how I felt about it. We then improv-ed the scene with a rough framework of dialogue beats that we needed to hit, and it was so helpful! I've never directed actors before and I'm so terrified so being able to practice with Ben, getting his advice, answering his questions etc was amazing!

We also blocked out a scene from his film (which has since been drastically changed or cut entirely?). I hate acting in any capacity but I do think it's probably useful to try and understand the actors process - what they might need to know from me as director, the kind of language I should be using and so on.

Hopefully we're going to try and do more of this kind of thing in the future. Ben's already brought up some issues about where Eli's character motivation is coming from, which is equal parts frustrating (that he's finding holes in the film) and useful (at least I can fix them now).

As 1st AD on Ben's project, I also attended his auditions this week for the role of 'Casca'. Again this was hugely eye-opening to gain an insight into his directing style! He started both auditions by warming up with the actors - cue traumatic flashbacks to being a shy kid in high school drama lessons!! - and then used the same Meisner exercise that we did in screen academy. Honestly he's so good at making the actors feel comfortable, I aspire to be such an approachable director!

w/ Olivia

Directing classes with Olivia were really useful to reiterate the kind of language we should be using with cast and crew, the responsibilities of the director in each stage of production as well as other typical working practices. I found the rundown of cinematographic terms especially helpful since it's my least favourite discipline in practice and so I can get quite ignorant to its mysterious workings.

Recommended resources:

On Filmmaking by Alexander McKendrick (which I read most of in summer and was reminded I need to finish it! - found the discussion of writing especially insightful)

Naked Cinema by Sally Porter

Making Movies by Sidney Lumet

Her advice on working with actors was also really appreciated since this is the aspect of directing that I feel most under qualified and underprepared for.

Towards the end of this last session we acted out each others scripts (similarly to what I'd had done with Ben) and again the same problems were coming up with the dialogue - that it was too formal or else if it was trying to be stylised, it was mismatched. We're working on the script based upon this feedback.

[boywifesammy]

these are all really interesting takes…. ive always been on the fence about sam regarding ED behaviour bec its largely subtext but i can see the argument people give about him having orthorexia.

i think both sam & dean have difficult relationships w/ food after growing up w/o reliable access to it. i see ppl talking about sam having an ED but fail to mention that dean has a SUPER unhealthy relationship w food. i can see him binge eating or eating expired/spoiled food simply because its engrained in him to eat when he can and what he can bec he might not get to tomorrow.

but about sam in specific— i TOTALLY agree w the take about control. i could see it as a way for him to be more ‘normal’ as a child, or to take better care of himself by eating healthy which eventually spirals into him being SUPER restrictive of what he eats. he associates greasy fast food with a life on the road and sees that all the wealthy, well-kept people in high-end cafes eat shit like salad & little bowls of soup. this in combination w the low food availability he has a kid could totally lead to him seeing food as a burden and undereating/restricting as a way of keeping his body ‘clean’ (which is a BIG thing for sam).

i’d also like to suggest another idea… sam restricting as a punishment. not in the “beauty is pain” way but more of a “suffering is altruistic” sorta way. he eats clean to keep himself clean & he restricts because the pain of hunger feels righteous. id imagine this would really kick in when he gets to stanford & sees just how other he really is because of the way he grew up. at the same time, he’d be having a sudden lack of physical release bec he cant hunt & or wrestle w dean. that in my mind would translate to a SUPER rigorous workout routine which could easily tie into him restricting under the guise of eating healthy AND all of it being the only way he finds any sort of comfort or relief in his body after such a drastic life change.

and like i said there’d be a part of that enjoys the pain & exhaustion, though he wouldn’t admit it to himself. externally & internally it’s a good thing to sam, but subconsciously he pushes more than he should sometimes because that feeling of emptiness makes him feel like he’s being cleansed & purified.

Sam with an eating disorder makes sense. like, him being a teen and in love with his big brother, but his bid brother only dates pretty, skinny girls. So Sam is constantly self conscious about his appearance because of the girls Dean dates. and his general 'I'm not good enough' mentality. DISCUSS

[txladyj-blog]

Chapter 3 - This Time Around

a Daryl Dixon x OFC collaboration written by @xmistressmistrustx​

Rating: Explicit

Relationship: Daryl Dixon/Original Female Character

Tags: Friendship, Friends to Lovers, Awkwardness, Awkward Flirting, Awkward Crush, Fluff and Humor, Angst and Humor, Mild Smut, Strong Language, Eventual Sex, Eventual Romance, Slow Burn, Canon Divergence, Some Canon Scenes and Dialogue

Chapters 15/?

On her way down to the water, Jess blinked the sun from her eyes and slapped her baseball cap on. They still had many more weeks left of the relentless sun and heat, the only let up being the late afternoons and early evenings when there was a little respite from the heat. Only then, when night crept in did the temperature change drastically, becoming colder but not enough for Jess to wear a jacket or sweater. She never really seemed to feel the cold all that much, she put it down to having lived in so many different places with such differing weather. Sarah had quite loudly blamed the fact that she had more layers of fat than most. Jess grit her teeth and shoved the comment away, hoping that not too many people from the group had heard her.

Her sneakers flapped against the dusty surface of the slope as she neared the bottom. Carol was in the corner by the shore, Ed watching her closely as she washed his shirt. Sophia sat on a rock nearby playing with her doll. Her soft chatter like a delightful tune to Jess’s ears. On the opposite side, was Daryl, knee deep in the water and holding up a sopping wet shirt with a huge bloodstain right in the middle. She scuffed towards him and stopped by the waters edge.

“How you doing, Stinky?” She chirped.

Daryl glanced over his shoulder at her. He was wearing a simple, off-white vest that was turning transparent from the water.

“Fine.” He called back.

She tilted her head to one side as she observed him trying to remove the stubborn stain from the garment. Her knowledge of history and attendance at many, authentic renaissance fairs had led to a vast knowledge of life without washer dryers and laundromats. She kicked off her sneakers, rolled her jeans up and waded into the water.

“Give it here, you’re making a pigs ear of that.” She chuckled.

“Been washin’ my stuff in rivers all my life, you can’t teach me shit, girl” he shot back, although he didn’t sound angry, more intrigued than anything else. She stopped beside him, the water lapping at her thighs. In the blistering heat, it was a welcome respite. Her body temperate cooled and she really wanted to just dive in and submerge herself in the tantalizing freshness of the water.

“You’re so stubborn. Just humor me, c’mon.” She said, reaching out for the shirt.

He reluctantly dragged it up from the water. Once again, she couldn’t help but notice his strong arms and dragged her lower lip under her front teeth. When her eyes lifted to his face, she was alarmed to find him staring right at her.

“Jess?” He asked with one eyebrow raised.

“Um. Sorry. I wasn’t looking- I mean...” She pointed a finger at him “…give me the damn shirt” and snatched it from his grasp. “Uh…” She shook the image from her head and waded a couple of steps to her left, meeting a large rock protruding from the water. “You need to use a rock. Like this.”

Swirling the shirt around in the water, she kept her eyes firmly on what she was doing, knowing that if she risked a peek, he would be able to see straight through her and her inability to ignore his two best features. Gathering the shirt up, she began massaging it into the smooth rock. He silently looked on from behind her, craning his neck to see what she was doing. Then, she took hold of one end of the shirt and beat it against the surface with a loud slap that echoed across the quarry each time. Daryl thought it looked like she was taking some serious anger out on his one and only shirt and hoped it would still be in one piece when she was done. When she stepped back, dipped it in the water and held it up, the stain had visibly diminished

“That was a lot of blood.” She remarked with a small pant. The last thing she wanted was for him to know how out of breath she was from battering a rock with a large piece of fabric.

“Yeah” He agreed. “Aint mine.”

“I know.” She said quickly, meaning he was now staring at her again. “That’s what I-I was looking for” She stammered, motioning to his arm. “Injuries.”

He nodded, feigning agreement. “Yeah, sure.”

“Damn right. That’s me. Always checking folks for injuries.” She babbled as she wrung the shirt out and attempted to slosh past him.

“No ya aint.” He argued with a small smile.

She sighed and turned to him “Alright. No, I don’t. But I really was with you. Honestly.”

“Right” He grinned.  

“Here.” She said, tossing the twisted ball of fabric at him “I’m going before I embarrass myself even more.”

“Sure” He grunted. “Oh, don’t forget to check Merle for injuries.”

She stopped and slowly looked over her shoulder, her lips pushed into a thin line before she released a bashful laugh and flapped her hands at her sides, tilting her head back and sighing at the sky.

“That’s for callin’ me Stinky.” He confirmed while wading back to the shore and passing her.

“OK. We’re even. I’ll leave checking Merle over to twisted sister number 2” she mentioned, her hands coming up and dramatically shielding her mouth as she gasped and giggled loudly, the sound bouncing from the cliffs around the water. Daryl let himself go and laughed along with her as they both paddled through the water and back to dry land.

Gives as good as she gets, this girl.

Carol looked up when she heard Daryl and Jess laughing with one another as she walked out of the water, her lips curled into a smile when she saw Daryl beaming from ear to ear, a sight she had never seen since she’d met him for the first time. She’d assumed he never displayed such an expression, but it was now clear that he just didn’t have anything to smile about before.

“I say you could stop?” Ed snapped from behind her. “I need that damn shirt.”

She resumed her task without argument, the happy scene she’d witnessed making it all a little easier.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

That night, Jess was taken off guard when she passed the RV. She held an empty, metal bowl after eating alone in her tent and was distracted by a whistle from the top of the vehicle. She looked up to see Daryl reclined in his seat, in his usual spot but a lot earlier than usual. He nudged his head up, beckoning for her to join him. It had been weeks since they’d first met and she felt a sense of pride when she thought of how far they’d come and how they'd managed to at least partially break down each others barriers. She wasn’t yet sure about saying they were friends, but she was certain they enjoyed each other’s company.

Returning her plastic cutlery and her camping bowl to the bucket in the food prep area, she passed Sarah and Jodie who were immersed in hushed whispers as usual. Also, around the campfire, was Glenn, Andrea, her sister Amy, Merle, Dale and T-dog. She offered them all a polite smile, receiving the same back. Carol and Rick retreated into their tents with their families and Shane was out checking the fences. Having never really seen Daryl and Jess on their regular perch, everyone exchanged glances when she climbed the ladder to the RV, their nightly routine now revealed to the group.

Appearing beside him, she sat down and caught his eye. Saying nothing, they sat side by side for a while until the chatter resumed below and both of them were certain the topic of conversation was not directed at them. Jess slumped down in her seat, rested her head on the backrest and closed her eyes while Daryl lit a cigarette. After a while, Jess found she’d drifted off into a light sleep and woke only when she heard Sarah wish Daryl a good night in her typical, flirtatious high school cheerleader voice. Daryl ignored her.

Jess sat up and rubbed at her face, clearing her throat and raising her eyebrows at the distance Daryl was able to flick his cigarette end out into the distance.

“What were you doing when the word ended?” She wanted to know. The sound of her voice seemed to slice through the atmosphere like a knife and she smarted at the sound. “Wow, never thought I’d say that sentence.” She added more quietly.

He flicked his lighter on and off over and over again as he struggled to decide if he should tell her the truth or not. Concluding that he had previously snapped at her and offended her and she was still sat with him, he guessed she would be able to handle it.

“Was workin’ my way through four lines of coke when I looked up and saw the TV had that national guard alert thing on it.” He disclosed.

“Yeah, we saw that on our phones. My friend and I. We were at a renaissance fair.” She said casually.

He briefly wondered why she didn’t seem bothered that he confessed so openly to being a cocaine user when it occurred to him that she simply took people as they were, flaws or not.

“A what?” He questioned.  

“A Renaissance fair. It’s a recreation of a historical setting with costumes and role play and stuff, for a whole weekend.”

His expression was one of pure bafflement as he stared at her.  

“So, you like… get all dressed up and run around in a field pretending to’ to fight or some shit?”

“Well, that’s the battle reenactment part. But it happens, Yeah.” She affirmed.

His brow furrowed. “You’re kinda weird, y’know that?”

“I think that’s what you like about me.” She grinned as she leaned towards him and nudged his elbow with hers. It was the first time she’d actually physically touched him aside from letting him help her up from the ground in the woods. He didn’t react which she could only take as a good sign.

“I don’t like nobody.” He scoffed.  

Jess huffed and rolled her eyes, a bright smile on her face that he could see clearly enough due to light from a lantern between them.

“Yes, you do. Just accept that you’re as weird as me and that’s why we get along.” She grinned.

Part of him hated that she was able to draw smiles out of him like no one else he had ever known, but the other part of him liked the fact that when he was with her, things seemed that little bit easier.

“Whatever.” He dismissed.

She laughed to herself and got up, reaching her arms high above her head and stretching her muscles.  

“Where ya goin?” He questioned.  

“Back to my tent.” She yawned. ��Tired”

“Ya ain’t got no more weird hobbies to tell me about?” He continued.

Jess was mildly shocked by the question, he wanted her to tell him about her hobbies? He wanted to talk to her at all? It no longer felt like she was forcing him to converse with her, he’d taken the lead this time and she was more than happy to let him have it.  

“Wasn’t aware you were that interested.” She admitted.

“I ain’t. Just nothin better to do.” He shrugged.

Jess plonked herself back in the rickety chair again and shifted her body to face him, throwing one leg over the other.

“OK, so if my hobbies are weird, what are yours?” She challenged.

At the prospect of being asked more about himself and his life, his desire to talk lessened considerably in seconds.

“Ain’t talkin’ ‘bout me” He mumbled.

“I am.” She glared at him with a bold and entertained look.  

Accepting that he wasn’t going to get out of answering her probing and he was partly to blame for encouraging her to stay, he nibbled his bottom lip and answered her question.

“Fine. Huntin’, drinkin’, gettin’ high”

"And spittin' chaw in a bucket?" She joked.

"Asshole" He grumbled as she covered her mouth with her hand and stifled a giggle.

Birds flew overhead, a now rare sight that meant there were still some species out there somewhere, flourishing away from all the decay. Jess swayed back and forth in her seat with her arms wrapped around herself.

“Maybe you can teach me how to hunt, drink and get high one day.” She suggested breezily.

“Nah, I ain’t wastin’ time with no lightweight.” He declined.

“Just makes me a cheap date.” She realized instantly that she’d just come out with something unintentionally flirtatious and panicked. “I mean, yeah…uh… probably a lightweight.” She laughed awkwardly as she played with the hem of her T-shirt.

“Ya ever been huntin’?” He wanted to know, ignoring her outward discomfort and wondering what it was that made her so fidgety sometimes.

“No. I’d like to.” She said.

He nodded, leaning forward and picking up a leaf from the roof of the RV. He fiddled with it, folded it in half and then in half again.

“Too dangerous to be out there without knowin’ whatcha doin’.” He expressed.

“Yeah. Guess you’re right. And I wouldn’t.” She agreed.

Believing she’d murdered the conversation with her careless chit chat, she stopped talking and resigned herself to sitting quietly and tapping her sneaker on the edge of the roof again. More time passed and Jess couldn’t think of a way to get up and leave without seeming embarrassed or strange. She knew she was overthinking everything but being in the presence of someone she was actually starting to find highly attractive was unsettling and she wasn’t used to it.

“So, what’s the difference?” She heard him utter out of nowhere.

“What?”

“Said ya ain’t shy, ya introverted. What’s the difference?”

Two enquiries into her personality and interests in one night meant that she may have been all over the place and afraid to do something wrong, but the night had still been a small triumph in itself.

“Shy means you’re anxious about talking to people. Nervous and timid. Introverts aren’t always like that; we just need to re-charge sometimes. We’re confident with people we’re comfortable around. I’ll talk to people but I usually find most folks just drain me. I guess I’m just quiet by nature, but I’m not shy.” She explained.

“Hm.” He grunted. “Some kind of head shrinker tell you that?”

“No. It’s kind of common knowledge. Or at least I thought it was.” She disclosed “I think maybe your introverted too, it’s something we have in common.”

“Nah. I just think most folks are assholes.” He countered quickly

Jess giggled at his stubborn streak and for the second time Daryl realized that he liked the fact that she thought him funny. His mouth quirked up into a half smile.

“I’ll leave you alone to recharge your introvert batteries.” She winked at him. “Goodnight.”

She didn’t hear him protest or call her back as she descended the ladder so when her feet hit the ground, she made straight for her tent, longing for her sleeping bag and wishing she had a pen so she could record the events of her time spent sat with someone she really would have liked to have called her friend.

“Hey.” A voice called out. She turned back and saw him smoking yet another cigarette and leaning forward in his seat. “Ya wanna learn how to track animals?” A thin line of smoke rose from where he sat, high up into the air before it vanished.

A rush of excitement thundered through her and she wrestled with the urge not to grin too widely.

“Yeah, that sounds good.” She squeaked, her voice emerging in higher pitch than she’d expected.

“Sunrise. Meet me at the tree line over there” he lifted his arm, pointing across the camp. “Make sure ya have somethin to eat first. Ya pass out on me i’ma leave ya ass out there.”

Jess knew it was a playful dig at her making him eat a bowl of berries before going hunting and liked the fact that he’d remembered and used it on her. Turning the tables and proving that their jibing at one another was enjoyed as much by him as it was by her.

“OK. I will.” She beamed. “See you at sunrise”

“One more thing” He rasped, standing up and driving a hand into his jeans pocket. Her eyes grew larger when she saw the plastic box clasped in his fingers as he tugged them out of his pocket. He threw it down to her, the box clattering in the dust at her feet. She looked down at it and wanted nothing more than to run back to the ladder and hug him. Five precious, black, ballpoint pens.

“Yours stopped workin’, right?” He checked.

“Yeah.” She responded as she gingerly bent down to pick them up.

“Saw ‘em when I was out on a run with Rick the other day.”

He thought of me when he was out on a run?

She opened her mouth to speak, but what was a simple gesture from Daryl was a huge deal to Jess. He had just given her back the ability to express her emotions and keep her sanity in check. Now, she would need no more dangerous walks in the woods alone and she could write until she fell asleep.

“This is um…you don’t know how grateful I am for this. Thank you, Daryl.” She said, swallowing hard and looking right at him.

“No problem.” He grunted, raising a hand at her in a small wave “Night.”

Before she succumbed to sleep, Jess sat cross legged on her sleeping bag with her torch in her mouth, shining down on the page and began to write.

It’s funny, I never thought someone throwing a box of pens at me would mean so much. Daryl knew I couldn’t write because my one and only pen stopped working, so he brought me back a box from a supply run. I must have looked at him like he had grown an extra head. I just couldn’t believe he thought of me while he was out there. I can write again, my mind feels clearer already and I’m happier. All because he got me some stupid pens.

OK, maybe it isn’t just the pens. He seems to be coming around to the idea of us being friends. Tonight, he didn’t actually say it but he wanted me to go sit with him on the RV and then tried to act as though he wasn’t interested in me at all while asking me questions about myself. He’s actually got a sense of humor and a personality that he’s slowly but surely letting me see and it’s awesome. He’s pretty awesome.  

But he caught me looking at him today. It was mortifying and I’m so angry at myself. Yeah, the guy is hot. But I thought I was stronger than to get caught practically drooling at him. He knew too. He knew exactly what was going on and I feel like my life is officially over.

Hopefully, I’ll get eaten by a walker or he’ll get a bout of amnesia.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Her T-shirt was sticking to her back with sweat. She really wanted to know how Daryl did this every day in such heat and sometimes even with his leather vest on. She was sure she’d pass out and had consumed most of the water she brought with her before they’d even been out for an hour. Daryl crept along in front of her, examining the ground and snapped branches of foliage In the woods. Try as she might, she kept falling behind and her legs felt like they were made of cement.

I really should have used that gym membership.

“C’mon, keep up. Stay close to me.” Daryl instructed from in front of her. She could see that the back of his shirt was also dampened with sweat, but unlike her, he showed little to no signs of fatigue.

“It’s so damn hot out here” she complained “am I in hell?!”

“Purgatory at best.” He mumbled

She dragged the back of her hand through the perspiration on her top lip.

Great. A sweat moustache. Sexy.

“Looooord. I’m MEEELTING!” She cried.

“Shh!” He whirled around, bundling her against a tree with his fingers wrapped around the top of one of her arms. The movement was so quick and unexpected and her flesh stung but she didn’t flinch, his temper too short for her to react. She couldn’t deny that fear tickled her veins and she was rooted to the spot. “You stupid or somethin?! Ain’t just animals out here. Place is full of Walkers and ya gonna get us both bit if ya don’t keep ya god damn voice down.” He hissed at her through gritted teeth.

“OK. I’m sorry.” She whispered. “You’re hurting me”

In a split second, he was full of guilt for losing his temper at her as he examined her alarmed expression. He looked down at his hand clamped tightly around her arm. He quickly let go as if her skin was made from lava, seeing the red mark he’d left behind. An angry handprint. He shrank back and she noticed his eyes kept dropping and coming back to the burning patch around her bicep.

“I-I didn’t mean to-“ he mumbled.

“-It’s OK.” She interrupted “really, it’s OK.”

He dragged a hand over his face, his crossbow rattling against his legs as he held it loosely in his grasp with his other hand.

“Come on, let’s keep going.” She suggested, stepping away from the tree and motioning with her hand for him to pass her.

“Wait” he grunted. She stopped and stood still, witnessing what she could only describe as pure, genuine regret in the angry, aggressive redneck.

“I wouldn’t hurt ya. Not on purpose.” He told her

“Daryl, I know” Jess tried

“Naw, Naw” He dismissed, waving a hand at her. “I saw it. in your eyes. Ya scared of me.”

Jess exhaled slowly and tried to ground herself. This was a conversation she had definitely not anticipated and one with which she knew she needed to exercise extreme caution with.

“You just surprised me. I’m not scared of you. I wouldn’t spend half as much time with you if I was. I understand why you got mad at me, I’m kind of annoying and I don’t know how to handle this new world like you do.”

He paced about in the small space between the trees in front of her. Back to front, side to side, before he finally stopped and began to bite his thumbnail.

“Sorry.” He muttered from behind his hand.

Jess smiled at him. In that moment, she knew that Daryl was not good at apologies and had very likely, hardly ever, genuinely apologized for anything in his life.

“I told you. It’s OK”

He nodded once, raised his crossbow again and charged past her.

“Ya gotta keep up so I can keep an eye on ya.” He grumbled

She took a quick swig of water from the bottle that was fastened to a plastic strap on her belt and carried on after him, wishing that it was raining, or snowing, or that she was standing in the water of the quarry washing clothes. But the view made up for it and she couldn’t lie to herself, watching Daryl stalk about between the trees, concentration etched on his face, his crossbow at the ready and his strong physique shining in the light of the sun as he moved was almost enough to make her forget what she was doing there altogether.  But while she thought Daryl nice to look at, she remained platonically interested in him and what he had to teach her there and then, knowing that someday, she might need to use the information presented to her.

“See this right here.” He stopped and pointed with his boot to a nibbled patch of grass “deer.”

Jess finally caught up, standing next to him and regarding the slightly disturbed area on the ground.

“How do you know that?!” She asked with surprise.

“They’re messy eaters. They press it against their top palette and yank it right outta the ground.”

Her face changed and she thought for a moment as her lips rose into a smile.

“Like a really cute lawn mower.” She commented.

He just looked at her as if she was crazy.

“What about Walkers? Can you track them?” She wanted to know as she peered down at the missing grass, noting the disturbed earth under it.

“Walkers and live humans are easiest to track. We leave footprints, stamped down grass, broken twigs and messed up foliage. That kinda shit.” He explained.

She began to back away with a glint in her eye that he didn’t like the look of.

“So if I ran off, you’d be able to track me?” She asked.

He followed her, walking with her as she stepped backwards. She was challenging him and he didn’t like it one bit. Not out there in the open. Not where she could get killed.

“I could, but runnin’ off would be a real dumb thing to do.” He warned.

“Look at me, it’s not like I’m going to get far.” She gestured to her torso with her hands.

“Stop.” He ordered firmly

“Maybe I should try, could use the exercise” she shrugged lightheartedly, aware she was once again prodding at his temper but caring very little. Angry Daryl wasn’t all that bad to look at either.

He was glaring at her, his blue eyes intense. For such a mysterious, introverted and antisocial person, she couldn’t figure out why it was that he seemed to manage and maintain eye contact with her on a number of occasions. Not that she was complaining.

“Ya stay with me, so I can keep ya safe.” He affirmed.

His switch in tone from relaxed to stern and protective stirred something in Jess. She liked the way his eyes locked with hers as he talked about keeping her safe. She hadn’t expected this level of care from him and could only hazard a guess that it was because he actually did like her enough to want her around. She nodded and gestured with her hand for him to continue leading the way.

“How did you learn this?” She queried.

“My ol’ man used to take me out into the woods. Blindfold me and bail. Had to track him.”

“Well, it worked.”

“Yeah. He’d tan my hide every time I got it wrong.”

Jess smiled at the ground as she walked but it soon dawned on her that he could be serious and that there was the possibility that Daryl didn’t have the best upbringing in the world.

“You taught anyone else how to do this?” She continued in her quest to find out more about him.

“Naw.”

“Don’t you and Merle usually hunt together?”

“Not no more. We split up. He’s more interested in getting’ laid. Stop askin’ questions, every animal in Georgia can hear ya.” He scolded.

“Sorry.” She muttered as she scanned the area around them. A darkened, bumpy patch around a tree stump caught her eye and she skirted away from Daryl, approaching it with some hesitation.

“Are those edible?” She questioned while leaning forwards over the gathering of mushrooms.

“Again with the damn questions” he complained as he stomped over to where she stood and followed her gaze.

“I have to ask questions to learn” she corrected, straightening up and raising an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah, can eat those” He answered, ignoring her last statement.. “But don’t eat nothin’ like that without askin’ me or Merle or someone that knows what the hell they’re talkin’ ‘bout. The wrong ones could kill ya.”

“Or get me real high.” She suggested with a wink.

“You ever done shrooms?” His face was unimpressed, not taken in by her playful line of questioning.

She placed both hands on her hips and let out a small laugh “Do I look like I’ve done shrooms?”

“Right. No. Don’t touch any unless ya desperate.” He told her before resuming her lesson about different types of tracks. He explained how animals have certain ways of moving which leave footprints that signal what they are. Along with how to identify bird tracks and how to cover her own path if she ever need to escape Into the woods.

“Why would I run away from another live human?” She asked.

“Can’t trust people no more. Some of ‘em are worse than the Walkers.” He replied. “Ya see another person, keep ya distance and ya weapon ready. They could steal your shit or wanna eat ya with the way things are goin’.”

That’s food for thought.

“I’m a catch. I’d keep them fed for at least a fortnight.” She chirped.

He suddenly stopped and glared back at her. She couldn’t read his expression, somewhere between irritation and confusion. He said nothing and carried on walking.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The majority of the day was highly educational for Jess and she took a vested interest in being able to hunt her own food and escape without trace into the trees. She’d even been able to practice a few things. Daryl let her use his crossbow to shoot a squirrel and she shocked herself when she celebrated the animals demise instead of crying about it. That was her squirrel, he had told her. She was going to skin it and eat it because it was her first ever successful hunt. She felt a swelling sense of pride in her chest when he handed it to her and made sure she carried it back to camp.

As they neared the tree line that separated them from the clearing in which the fire was being started for the evening, Jess and Daryl slowly wandered along, neither of them really wanting to go back and sit among the others. Their time alone in the woods had been mutually enjoyable and peaceful and Daryl considered asking her if she wanted to do the same again the next day. Before he could speak, she beat him to it.

“I enjoyed today.” She confessed. “It was very educational.”

“Me too.” He replied quietly, keeping his vision on his path and hoisting the string of squirrels and various other small, dead animals further up his shoulder.

“Where’s your vest?” She enquired, using it as an excuse to catch a glimpse of his arms.

Screw it. I’ve earned this.

He looked up at her briefly, catching her eyes sweeping his upper arm and chose to ignore it as as he prepared for her reaction to what he was about to tell her.

“Washed it this mornin’. Was dryin’ when I left.” She began to giggle to herself and felt him shove her in the arm in jest. “Shut up.”  He grunted.

“He actually listened to me. Oh my god.” She said to herself with a wide grin.

“It’s a one off. Don’t act so smug.” He grumbled as they both stepped out of the trees into the open area of the camp. Activity was at a minimum. Shane and Lori were talking in the corner, Carol sat with Sophia by the fire as Glenn fanned the initial flames. Andrea was atop of the RV while Dale was at the food station. Jess turned to Daryl with her squirrel gripped in her hand by its tail.

“Thank you. For taking me out.” She said sincerely.

“You’re welcome.” He said with a nod.

It was a clear and sincere acceptance and strangely polite for him. But she appreciated it all the same. He intended to follow it up with an invitation to do the same the next day, but something shattered his plan.

“Thank you for taking me out Daryl I love youuuuu!” A high-pitched voice mocked from behind them.

Daryl whirled around and locked his sights on Sarah.

“What’s up? You jealous or somethin?! Huh?” He raged as he stormed towards them. Jess managed to grab one of his arms to stop him but she shrugged her off and told her in no uncertain terms that she was going to let him say his piece.

”I should ram this squirrel down her throat” Jess said under her breath.

Daryl’s rage was evidently scaring Sarah into submission to an extent. When he stopped in front of her and loomed over as she perched on a tree stump, his eyes narrowed and Jodie, who was sat beside Sarah, instinctively moved away and stood nearby like the true coward she was.

“You deaf as well as stupid?” He seethed.

“N-no.” She said with an air of fake confidence..

“You wouldn’t wanna go out there anyways, I’d feed ya skinny ass to the Walkers before the heat melts that plastic shit in ya face.” He hissed. “You got a thing for Rednecks? That why ya jealous?”

“No”

“Funny. Ain’t what I’ve seen.”

“Don’t you dare.” Sarah warned

“C’mere. I gotta tell ya somethin.” He leaned closer, curling his index finger at her and gesturing for her to move forwards. She refused, so he defiantly positioned his face by her ear. “Threatenin’ me ain’t wise, bitch. Not with what I saw ya doin with my brother in the woods.”

“You didn’t see anything. I wasn’t doing anything.” She protested through gritted teeth.

He moved back slightly, looking right at her. His lip curling in disgust. He hated girls like Sarah and Jodie as much as Jess seemed to. He too had endured their persecution at high school.

“Harder, Merle. Harder.” He mocked quietly adapting his voice and making it higher-pitched.

Sarah’s face twisted into pure panic.

“Oh my god. Shut your mouth. You some kind of pervert?” She fumed, quickly looking over her shoulder at a petrified Jodie, stood hugging herself and biting her nails.

“Nah, that’s Merle. But ya know that already, don’t ya?” He leaned close to her again, hearing her draw in a jagged breath. “Maybe next time he’s balls deep in ya, you should keep it down. Just a suggestion.”

Jess was impressed at his ability to render them both silent and reasonably terrified in seconds and she only wished she could do the same. His comment regarding Sarah’s badly executed lip fillers had almost made her bellow with laughter. But she exercised some restraint and watched on with dignity. Then came his graphic ridicule of her sexual activity with Merle in the woods. She hadn’t seen this side to him. Spiteful and savage and she had felt a twinge of discomfort at his brash and crude references. However, she struggled to find a reason why it wasn’t justified and decided that it all boiled down to the fact that Sarah shouldn’t be dishing it out if she couldn't take it.

It was some time before Daryl finally backed down after an intense stare off between then, but when he did, Sarah sat motionless and humiliated in her spot, her hands clasped in her lap and her jaw pulled tight.

“C’mon” Daryl said to Jess as he passed “let’s cook this shit up.”

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I think I have a crush on him. I’m so pissed at myself. Why do I always like guys that wouldn’t look at me twice?! Who am I trying to kid? No one looks at me twice anyway. Suppose I’ll just have to window shop, as usual. The world ended. Only a few survived and my brain thinks it’s an appropriate time to develop a crush on someone. It seems it’s been noticed by the twisted sisters too. No doubt I’ll have to endure more mockery at their hands. Or maybe What Daryl said to Sarah will make her think twice in the future. I don’t know. It was kind of…hot. Watching him shut her up like that. I can only hope it’s stays with her and she leaves us alone. Us. That’s strange. Me. Leave me alone.

Sometimes, I feel like they’re how I’m supposed to be. Maybe if I were more like them, things would be easier. Are they roses and I’m just a Dandelion? Roses may have thorns but if you breathe in instead of out at a Dandelion, it’ll choke you.

Choosing to sit with Rick and Carl after everyone had eaten, Jess jotted down words in her journal, tilting it to avoid Carl’s curious gaze. After weeks at the camp, Jess concluded that the cop next to her and his young son were actually quite nice company and decent conversation in the late evening hours when the sun would set and she’d start to look forward to retreating to the top of the RV with someone who had become her favorite individual to be around. Daryl.

Glenn and T-dog sat on the other side of Jess, with Andrea beside them, Dale on the RV and Merle next to Daryl, who was positioned square in her sightline when she looked up. He carved bolts and sharpened his hunting knife while Carl, Rick and Jess conversed quietly between themselves.

Merle nudged his brothers arm and Daryl’s hands stilled, his knife poised and still over a rock in case he sliced his hand off as a result of Merle’s careless action.

“Hey, Darlina. What ya say we head into the city at some point? Pick us up a little whiskey for these cold nights.”

“City’s full of walkers. Ain’t worth it.” Daryl replied with a shake of his head.

“Ahh, don’t be no sissy! Be in and out faster’n a bat outta hell.” Merle reasoned.

It was the worst idea Daryl had heard in a long time. In fact, the last bad idea he’d heard had also come from Merle and all the bad ideas before that. A pattern had formed and Daryl was no longer interested in being involved in any of his big brothers hairbrained and dangerous schemes.

“Yeah, maybe.” He mumbled in an attempt to quieten him.

Rick, who had overheard what was said, lifted his head from watching his son sitting on the floor next to Jess.

“It’s wise to keep a clear head right now. you both know Walkers are working their way up the mountains” He offered.

Merle stood up. A lit cigarette hung from his lips, the ash from the end flittering down from the orange end like confetti.

“Yo, Sherriff good boy? This don’t concern you” Merle snapped with a point of his finger. In a second, he was gone, vanished into the approaching darkness and not a single soul sat around the fire cared where.  

Rick sighed and looked sideways at Jess, who was offering him a sympathetic smile as she turned a page in her journal and carried on scribbling.

“What are you writing?” He asked.

“Nothing exciting. Haikus.” She muttered. Making a mistake on the page, she scribbled it out, her tongue emerging from the corner of her mouth in concentration.

“Haikus” Rick repeated.

“Dad, a Haiku is a short, Japanese poem that has a 5-7-5 syllable rule.” Carl interrupted. Rick was more than aware of what a Haiku was, but decided to humor his son anyway and presented his best, faked surprised look.

“Yeah, that’s right.” Jess grinned at Carl.

“I see. Can we hear one?” Rick asked.

Jess never shared any of the fruits of her labor when she was writing, always finding it too personal and revealing to read out to anyone, let alone people she hadn’t known all that long. She was no Haiku expert, nor was she all that into them, but the short, direct nature of them was both an appealing hurdle for her to overcome and something that keep her mind sharp.

“Oh, I don’t know…” She mused.

“Yeah! Please?” Carl begged, shifting around so he could peer at her with inquisitive eyes.

Daryl looked up from across the fire and paused his task. He slid his knife back into its holster and leaned against the wooden box behind him, bending one leg and draping an arm over it.  

“Uh… OK. sure.” Jess reluctantly agreed. She cleared her throat and tried to speak without her voice shaking. Suddenly feeling like she was stood up at the front of class at high school with a room full of judgement staring right back at her. But she wasn’t at high school, this was different and the young boy on tenterhooks in front of her was so enthusiastic, she felt too bad to decline.

“I stand taller to

Overcome the shadows

Of those who doubt me.”

Her cheeks reddened and she stared at her handwriting on the page, noticing one letter ‘a’ that wasn’t quite joined up enough. The silence around her was deafening.

“That’s… personal.” Rick remarked “but good. I mean, I don’t know what I’m talking about but-”

“-it is good. I think it’s good.” Carl affirms. “You should write more of those.”

His encouragement was endearing and she could only hope that his happy demeanor would continue, despite their dire situation.

“Thanks.” She muttered bashfully as she drew a star in the corner of the page.

“Should write a Haiku for everyone.” Glenn suggested from her other side. “Merle’s would be interesting, that’s for sure”

He was right. What could she say about Merle? With an out of the blue surge of confidence, she wrote down what was in her head, smirking at the words on the page and giving Glenn a quick wink. Before sharing her Haiku, she checked that Merle was well out of earshot or she would have some serious explaining to do.

“Bug zapper becomes

Merle’s entertainment after

TV repossessed.”

Nervous giggles filtered through the group around the fire as most of them also checked over their shoulders to make sure Merle wasn’t present. Jess scanned the laughing faces to see Daryl dip his head and smile into his lap. A rush of pride and self-satisfaction surged through her at the thought that she’d managed to make at least five people laugh, including the brother of the man she was making fun of and the person she had developed a crush on.

As the chuckling subsided, Daryl tilted his head back and rested a cigarette between his lips. Lighting it, his eyes never left hers and she began to wonder what he was doing and how strange it must have looked to everyone else. Luckily, no one was paying them any mind. Crickets chirped in the surrounding long grass in the tree line and the chilled, nightly breeze arrived, Andrea pulled her jacket closer around her and shivered.

“Bout me?” Daryl rasped.

The group fell silent, all exchanging intrigued glances. Jess stifled a huge grin, knowing it was quite something for him to pipe up in a social situation like this and put himself in the spotlight.

“OK.” She giggled “Daryl…. Lets see.” She began to write on the page again as the others grinned and waited for the most anticipated Haiku of what had become the nights entertainment. When Jess was ready, she flashed him a wide, perfectly white smile and the brightness and life in her eyes seemed to hit him like a lightning bolt.

“Daryl. Person who

Lacks class but enjoys a life

Without rich folks rules”

Rick couldn’t help but snort with laughter along with Carl. Jess joined them and had to build up the bravery to look back at Daryl. When she did, she saw him pick up a smell pebble and throw it at her. It bounced off her sneaker and skittered across the dirt. But his smile was missed with a blink, wanting to hide how amused he really was from those around him.

“Dunno whatcha talkin’ ‘bout. I got class”, He muttered.

“I have more class in my little finger” Andrea commented.

Instead of acknowledging Andrea, he continued to focus on the Haiku writing girl in the vintage Batgirl T-shirt that was able to make him feel more like himself than he ever did before. She was self-aware, able to make fun of herself, different and smart and she was as much of a mystery to him as he was to her. Neither one of them had experienced such an unconventional friendship with a person that under normal circumstances, they never would have crossed paths with anyway. But as she watched him with her unassuming, innocent and dark features, it dawned on him. Something he never thought about anyone. Ever. She was pretty.

For the first time in as far back as he could remember, he’d had a decent and enjoyable day. Not only was he able to do what he loved most and did most days, he was able to share it with someone that genuinely wanted to learn something from him and respected his ways of doing things. She wasn’t Merle, inpatient and arrogant. She was receptive, fascinated and soaked up information quicker than he’d expected. He was looking forward to sitting with her on the RV after dark.

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5

[wwwdotdabs4dinner]

being autistic with an eating disorder abd wanting to recover is hard in its own way bc after a certain amount of time (and not very much for me) things become routine, become my "samefoods", become vital to my functionality. it's so much harder to recover when you eat the same breakfast daily, made the same way with the same measuring cups everytime- it's such a strict routine that i freak out if a certain measuring cup is unable.

recovery doesn't just mean addressing my unhealthy thoughts about food and tackling that, but it also means a complete upheaval of my food routines, which is a lot of my routines overall. and being autistic (and ocd) my routines are vital to how well i can function, and their disruption (unless i decide to change it) is very distressing, honestly.

so like creating a healthy relationship w food is one thing, but having to drastically change a routine against my will is a whole 'nother pile of beans.

((also i know eds are hard for everyone, I'm not trying to compare or compete, just want to share my own experience))

[wangxinru3205]

Blogpost 4: What is art? (Wang Xinru)

In “The Culture Industry: Enlightenment as mass deception” reading, Horkheimer and Adorno (2012) gives insight on how the value of culture is lost in the process of commodification and its impacts. Previously not associated with the economy, culture has transformed into a good or service that circulates in the economy in exchange for money. Culture, when transformed into a good or service would be referred to as art in this blog. This ultimately leads to a loss of culture in terms of freedom of the potential in creating new art forms because when art created is exchanged for money, considerations of the taste and preferences of the target audience would largely influence the type of art created. The authors believe that claims of art are always ideology, that is, art is only considered as true art if it is a radical idea. Art that are similar in styles are seen as an imitation and a failure to strive for identity. Hence, the culture industry is viewed as one of the most inflexible industry for the lack of fresh ideas and style.

The authors had a far too pessimistic view of culture industries and the impact of commodifying culture in my opinion. It would be incorrect to say that art was previously not associated with the economy when artists were patronized by the wealthy for their skills even in the past. This has not changed drastically since then, just that there is a wider platform for artists to sell their art with rise of mass media. I agree that artists would have to put tastes and preferences of consumers of art in order for it to sell well for livelihood, giving rise to a homogenized culture to a certain extent. With a larger platform as compared to the past, it is easier to search for the likes and dislikes of the general crowd. In addition, algorithms in social media sites such as Instagram and Tiktok allows artists to find out what type of content the audiences prefer. Hence with the information, artists are able to find out the product or service that might sell well and blast it on mass media with their own twist to it as a new idea. Since the media platform can offer a large variety of audiences, this means that artists can also tap into the technology to reach out to a wider target audience. When too many artists are at the same place doing the same kind of research, it may seem as the content is homogenized. When artists find out the type of content that are preferred and bounce off ideas from each other with their own twist to it, the authors do not view it as art but rather a failure to produce art as it is not a fresh radical idea. I feel that this may be a harsh criticism where I believe that these content created are still considered as art forms, as although it is a mix of old and new ideas, are still ideas.

I disagree with their claim of art is purely ideology when there are too many ways to define art. For example, having pursued art as a subject a few years back, I often had to do observational drawings. To claim that my drawing is not art just because it is not a radical idea would feel rather unfair as I am showcasing a skill that I have picked up and honed over time as an artist. In another example, observational artworks are still hung on the walls of art museums despite being less appreciated as suggested by the readings. This implies that there is value in the art that are not ideology based although appreciation for skills in the classical era shifted to aesthetics and style in the early modern era to the new concept of ideas in current times. Similarly in the economy, hard skills are no longer highly sought after but innovation and ideas have become highly valued particularly in my society. The shift for appreciation from skills to ideas over a period of time can be seen across different sectors, thus it is not fair to criticize current artists for not being able to produce art when it was the particular paradigms that framed both the authors lenses for viewing art forms.

Since “what is art” is a question that many still struggles to find the answer, I conclude that it is too early to assign art to a particular form and downplay the attempts by artists to create “art”. The value of culture did not decrease because it is being commodified but rather the real culprit is the shifting of paradigms that shapes the society’s thinking and mindsets. References:

Horkheimer, M., & Adorno, T. W. (2012). The culture industry: Enlightenment as mass deception. Chapter 4 in M.G. Durham & D. Kellner (Eds.). Media and cultural studies: Keyworks (2nd ed.). Malden: Wiley-Blackwell.Media and cultural studies: Keyworks, 53-74.

[dustydreamsanddirtyscars]

i follow a lot of meta writers who say dean's story doesn't make sense without destiel. for example, amara was about exposing how dean felt about cas; the heart stuff how she found dean by touching cas' heart follow your heart all that. i ship destiel but don't think it will be endgame (wish it would be honestly). can i ask what do you think dean's story is without a destiel exposition? Do the amara and MoC and Mary story lines make sense without it? What is Dean's personal story and endgame?

Dear anon,

first and foremost what I want to emphasize going into this reply is that people can take away whatever they want from the show and read it in a way that suits their viewing of what happens on screen. All of what we see in those 45 minutes of television is influenced and shaped by our own experiences and interests, by the things that speak to us and move us or the aspects and topics we deem important. For that very reason readings and views will always differ simply because we all have our own focus. Things that stand out to one person, aren’t important for another for the sole reason that we tend to latch onto and project what moves us most into the narrative and analyze what plays out in the episode accordingly. What I mean is: it’s natural to disagree, there isn’t such a thing as ONE and ONLY ONE RIGHT reading. And there is nothing shameful or wrong about disagreeing with someone else, it’s all about how one expresses those differences of opinion. No one is better or worse or stupid for not seeing what someone else may see that doesn’t fit to your personal impression and perception of the show. In short: Live and let live.

The reason I am prefacing my reply with this long, more general ramble is due to the fact that I feel the fighting within the fandom over “right ways of reading and watching the show” or “people being too stupid to realize the show is saying this and this and not that and that” has gotten to a ridiculous and toxic point in which tolerance is lacking all around and on all sides and is seriously tiring to me, because it is just mind baffling to me why people can’t just be happy with what they read and see in the show and share it with the ones who see it similarly, but have to force their views on everybody else and get nasty over people having another view and takeaway than them and throwing around insults like there is no tomorrow.

With that all out of the way, let me tell you my view on Dean’s story. And just to make that clear from the get go :) no, I don’t think Dean’s story only makes sense when taking Deancas into account. It’s alright for me, if people argue that and feel that way, but to me it’s simply not the case and also imo takes away from Dean as a character in his own right.

I enjoy(ed) Deancas and like interactions between Dean and Castiel (though tbh since S11 to me a lot has changed and I no longer feel passionate or strongly about them, because to me the writers and how they handle the relationship atm is just too hollow and soulless for my taste, it simply no longer has the depth and “spark” for lack of a better word that it used to have in seasons prior, which still speak to me and move me when it comes to these two characters), but I do truly take issues with people arguing that Dean or his story only makes sense in relation to Castiel. I have the same issues with people arguing that Dean’s story and Dean only makes sense in relation to Sam. Of course both people are relevant to Dean’s story, but to me another person/characters should never be the most important thing about another character. So yeah, both of these viewings are the same to me in their essence, because in both cases it discredits Dean as a character in his own right in measures and ways I personally find very sad, because it belittles Dean. And Dean is much more than the people he loves (and this actually one aspect that is actually part of the show for Dean to realize) and that is kind of one of the main things that I personally feel relevant for Dean’s arc and possible endgame: seeing himself as worthy and important unrelated to any other person/character.

[[This week’s episode imo has highlighted a great deal how I personally see Dean’s story spanning from the first season onwards and what his struggles were and are that need to be overcome for him to be happy (if you browse my 13x03gif tag you’ll find all the meta I already wrote on the topic).]]

It may be for the very reason that Dean always puts others first and worries about them that people tend to see Dean only as an extension to another character. To me personally therefore one of the main things that has been explored heavily all throughout Carver Era and with that the Moc and Amara arc is addressing how “unfree” Dean has been all his life and how he has never truly listened or maybe even truly found out what he himself wants and is without the people he “cares for” (that is btw one huge point that was made in this week’s episode when Kelly told Jack that he didn’t have to be like his mother or father, but just himself and how this drastically differs to Dean who has been both unwanted - see meta and gifs for that here), because that very aspect - Dean thinking he needs to be this or that (mother, father and brother from age 4 onwards - as he himself openly now emphasized wasn’t fair) - has become Dean’s entire “reason for existence”. He thinks of himself as only useful when he can be of service and that is one tragic and horrible way not only of thinking about yourself (as unworthy, etc.), but also to live, because as the show has highlighted again and again when Dean feels like he cannot be of help, he thinks he lacks a reason to live and slips even further into a depression that is always glowering there just underneath the surface.

Due to all of what I mentioned just yet, I personally find it highly unfortunate that some people tend to make Dean all about Sam or Cas, because it falls completely in the trap that causes Dean so many issues since he himself only views himself as an extension to someone else, but that by no means means that that is right - quite the opposite. And that is also one of the many issues I have with Dabb’s showrunning and S12 in particular as in seasons prior the narrative addressed the discrepancy of Dean feeling like he matters least, etc. but that the characters around him constantly showed that that is not the case, but only something happening inside Dean’s head. Now S12 blatantly made it text that Dean does indeed not matter himself and I will never not be absolutely disgusted about that, because throughout the entire season we saw Dean put down, his emotions ignored, lied to (really, the way the season started, Mary trampling all over her son, is so emblematic of what happened throughout the entire season as well) and none of the treatment he experienced got corrected in the end, but Dabb friggin decided that it is a stellar idea to have Dean only briefly express how his mother’s death shaped him and messed him up (and yes, I get that it is in line with who Dean is and how he thinks so little of himself and putsothers traumas and needs first while ignoring his own, because they seem less important - see how that narrative thread runs through the whole show?) but that ultimately Dean as a person once more would disappear by making it all about Sam and talking about how Sam suffered (never mind Dean did and does too) and it also only then that his friggin mother is showing any kind of interest in her son. Only when her one son talks about the other son. Yeah, nice work there. But really, what took the cake for me with all that was how Mary didn’t even wrap Dean into a hug when he fucking saved her, but she opts to fall into Sam’s arms. Sorry, but gahhhh, I’ll never not be epicly pissed off about this.

Considering all this I am not surprised when people tend to think Dean has no story of his own or that it doesn’t make sense without Deancas or Sam on the other hand, but to me as someone who is most interested in each character in their own right much more than in any possible pairing, it is frustrating, because you feel like you are an island and belong nowhere. But sorry, I got caught up in my disliking of S12, I’m trying to get back on track now.

So given all that and the whole aspect of Dean’s “lack of freedom” due to feelings of responsibility are a huge aspect that to me was integral in the entirety of the MoC arc and the Amara arc as to me it explored Dean’s feelings of inadequacy and showing and exploring how Dean may have always been the main symbol for “free will”, but rarely has had it himself. In that regard, and I know this may be an utterly unpopular opinion to many, I have always analyzed Dean’s MoC arc and his time as a demon as a sort of “rite of passage” that served as a setting stone for Dean’s liberation, because it was as a demon that for the first time Dean only did what he himself wanted. It’s of course just one small aspect of a much more complex overall storyline, but to me it is an integral part nonetheless. Dean wasn’t happy as a demon by a long shot, but he did only what he wanted without feeling bad about having wishes of his own.

During the MoC and Amara arc Dean’s lack of independency from the people closest to him was amplified by making Dean unable to control what happened within himself when he held the blade or was in Amara’s closer vicinity. He was other directed, a puppet that got its strings pulled and that thread has been an integral one for Dean since we saw him strung up in Hell and torn apart (literally) by ropes tearing him apart every which way. To me there couldn’t be a more fitting and sadder visual for how Dean spent his entire life: caught in the middle, trying to keep a family together that drifted apart and getting torn apart and ending up hurt and damaged by trying to keep all of it together.

So in a way Dean losing his agency to the mark and then later Amara was just the utter extreme of showing how Dean for most of his life has not lived and done what he himself wanted, but what others needed him to do. The theme is right there, right from the beginning of the show and culminates for the first time in S4 and S5 when Dean rejects to become and be what Heaven wants him to be. The same strength he showed in relation to Michael, he never was able to show when it came to things his father demanded of him for example. There is a a famous scene where Dean articulates that himself in “Sacrecrow” in S1

and it comes back up here and there across the seasons when Dean expresses that he wished he would have stood up against their father more, etc. - the entire episode 9x06 “Bad Boys” also shines a huge light on that whole topic as we get a glimpse of the Dean there, who was allowed to be just a teen without feeling burdened and responsible to join his father’s fight.

For me Dean’s entire arc spanning over the course of the show is a storyline about self discovery about coming of age and coming into his own (an no with that I don’t mean a “coming out”-story, though of course it could be worked in or rather go hand in hand with that, but Dean’s sexual liberation to me has never been an integral topic from the beginning of the show and explored deeply until now, whereas the other has - again everyone is open to disagree with me, I have no problems with anyone reading it different, but this is just my personal feeling on the matter). It’s a narrative focusing on identity for someone who has never truly had the chance to become who he would have been if he had never had to be what others needed him to be. Phew… that was a weird sentence, lol. Anybody else got a knot in their brain now? ;)

And last but not least (though frankly I could write like 10 times as much as I already did since this is such a complex question) since you bring up the heart symbolism. I don’t mean to piss anyone off, but the heart symbolism as such has been surrounding Dean long before Castiel even came into the show (and it’s one of my favorite topics aside from “Dean as a christ figure” and I’ve written countless meta on that topic - I’m gonna leave a bunch of links to metas behind the cut at the end of this meta, for anyone who is interested in talk about heart symbolism, liberation, Amara and MoC arc etc. - some may even feature Deancas, but 95%  are just about Dean - it is by no means all I have written on the topic, but a good start), so to me - while I have no problem with people connect the heart symbolism in recents seasons to Castiel and Dean - they aren’t connected to another character at all, but are solely a symbol and metaphor for Dean as a character, because Dean’s heart has always been his biggest asset, but also what makes him so vulnerable. Dean is the “heart” of the show, as he serves as the PoV character. But most of all the heart symbolism surrounding Dean to me also belongs to the whole identity thread. It is also after all that Dean’s metaphorical death and re-emergence as a demon as a stepping stone to his liberation and coming of age (the healing part is still hopefully to come) is brought on by him dying by being stabbed through the heart…

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/121901277911/this-is-easier-some-more-thoughts-on-the

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/69379178845/dean-winchesters-heart-is-a-puzzle

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/131476588721/11x02-form-and-void-shes-a-miracle

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/98552189146/this-is-a-story-a-marvelous-story-full-of-love

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/87629591461/go-right-ahead-put-a-blade-through-your

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/67585667715/of-werevolves-tin-men-dean-winchester-and-his

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/110615479616/dustydreamsanddirtyscarsdeans-physical-and

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/66175602035/things-about-9x05-dog-dean-afternoon-3

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/127498203661/the-original-serpent-3

[smithbysmithies]

hi! I'm a hs senior from southern CA and I'm considering applying ED 2 to smith. I toured in early november and i honestly think it's the most perfect place for me in terms of the atmosphere, social scene, and academics but i'm pretty concerned about moving all the way across the country and the homesickness that I expect will come along with that. it would be great if anyone had any advice to share about applying ED & moving far away & dealing w homesickness, thanks!!

Hi!! So, I’m not from Southern California, but I am from South Texas, is pretty far away and also drastically different culture-wise from New England.Here are some things that helped me with both moving far away, and coping with homesickness!

I also feel like Smith is the perfect place in terms of atmosphere, social scene, and academics for me, which honestly makes me not miss home as much! Obviously, I still miss my family and friends from Texas, but I like Smith so much that it has not been a problem!

You honestly will not have time to be homesick. College is busy. At a college like Smith, with some many opportunities and resources, I am always running from hanging out with friends, doing homework, and listening to incredible guest speakers that I don’t have time to dwell on it.

But for the days when I do feel homesick, the community at Smith has been there to hold me together. House community, friends from orgs, HONS (Heads of New Students), these people all make it better.  

And lastly, yes, it’s a huge change! It’s scary to move across the country. But you have to remember that you are not the only one! Most Smithies are coming from outside of MA, and will be in the same position as you! And the ones that live in MA, in my experience, are the people who have taken me shopping for the right winter clothing, laughed with me at my excitement over the first snow, and taken me into their homes over breaks when I couldn’t afford to fly home.

Julie ‘21

[justintimbershit]

1-99

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?XO - John Mayer Cabaret - Justin Timberlake Lights On - Shawn Mendes Bad Habit - The KooksHow Would You Feel - Ed Sheeran You’re Gonna Llive Forever in Me - John Mayer

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?literally John Mayer so I can ask him why the FUCK he played XO in Chicago and why that was only the 10th time ever and first and only time of TSFE tour he played it

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.“Mom’s stumped us. We had absolutely no idea who she’d dredge” (I’ll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson)

4: What do you think about most?how terrible life is and then how much i wanna die tbh

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?“Jena should i get dropped off at your house then we can go get joe & julie?” IOWA TOMORROW FOR ED :DDDD

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?always w shirt but no pants lol

7: What’s your strangest talent?hating life as much as i do idk i have no talent

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)girls r hot n nice boys r hot n mean

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?yeah bc we were in love lol :(

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? idk i usually dont

11: Do you have any strange phobias?feet, being alone but also being in large crowds, idk theyre not very weird

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?no?

13: What’s your religion?idk man none atm prob

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?looking forward to going inside. but working and therefore reading.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?behind bc i am ugly lol

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?um probably panic at the disco but then also the killers

17: What was the last lie you told?“its fine” bc no it is not fine i wanna fight

18: Do you believe in karma?ya i think so. maybe

19: What does your URL mean?i like Justin Timberlake and also swearing

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?weakness is probably just who i am as a person and strength is idk i dont have any

21: Who is your celebrity crush?lmao. you say this like i have one. i have many. like thousands.

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?nope

23: How do you vent your anger?talk to someone usually

24: Do you have a collection of anything?movie/concert/sporting event tickets and also empty gatorade bottles on my floor

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?phone bc im ugly

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?eh. better than what i was but could be better

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?hate is my sisters voice lol love is john mayers voice bc he sounds like a fuckin angel

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?what if i was someone else but not really someone else just like what if i was me with a better life or a differnt life in which things didnt always go so terribly for me ya know

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?ghosts maybe but aliens def

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.right arm some paper hanging off my nightstand and left nothing

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?the faint scent of clean laundry and lotion

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?hm.. great question. i feel like ive been to some pretty bad places but i cant recall any???

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?ive never been to either but east coast i think

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?justin timberlake bc hes one of the most attractive men in the entire world

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?bein happy, doin what you want, livin

36: Define Art.something someone creates

37: Do you believe in luck?yes i do

38: What’s the weather like right now?humid i think

39: What time is it?9:41 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?nope to both

41: What was the last book you read?i recently finished “The Upside of Unrequited” and now im workin on “More Than This”

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?no i hate it it makes me nauseous

43: Do you have any nicknames?jules

44: What was the last film you saw?o fuck um fist fight maybe?

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?the sunburn i got in florida was terrible bc i couldnt walk for a day so im gonnna say that

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?no :(

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?brandon saad being a chicago blackhawk again, tommy la stella, john mayer, reading gay books

48: What’s your sexual orientation?bi

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?uuuuum possibly ??? idk

50: Do you believe in magic?nah but also maybe

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?in my mind yes but most of the times my actions dont reflect that especially if its been a while

52: What is your astrological sign?sagittarius

53: Do you save money or spend it?both. i allow myself to spend it as long as i still have a decent amount saved

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?lunch at panera lol

55: Love or lust?neither bc they both suck when ur alone

56: In a relationship?no lol

57: How many relationships have you had?zero

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?nope i am not talented like that

59: Where were you yesterday?yesterday. i think i stayed home all day then me mary and joe hung out and went to get milkshakes at steak n shake

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?the inside of the bra bra sitting waiting to be put away lol

61: Are you wearing socks right now?indeed

62: What’s your favourite animal?sloths my fav

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?i dont have one bc if i did ppl would like me, tf

64: Where is your best friend?at home id assume

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.whats tumblr

66: What is your heritage?im italian but i was born here and so were my parents

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?watching an episode of Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia before i showered

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?satan satan

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?yeah lmao who hasnt tho

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?i think so sometimes but other times im the worst person ever idk how i have friends

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?fuck u boss i love dogs and if u hate dogs that much as to not understand the situation i dont wanna work for a dog hater. asshole.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?a. maybe probably b. everything ive never done but wanted to c. probably

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.fuck. um. shit. id say love but then u cant trust the person you love so like… but at the same time i love love so much i feel like id die w/o it n ya know i dont trust anyone anyways so im gonna say love

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?srsly…..Bye Bye Bye by *NSYNC bc i cant be sad listening to that song lolol

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?9077

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?communication n openness

77: How can I win your heart?just be nice to me lol i have low standards

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?yes i do believe so

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?buying tickets to see john mayer lol that changed my life so drastically. my life is now pre john mayer and post john mayer. he literally fucking sang xo i will never get over it that will always be the happiest moment of my life im crying while typing this

80: What size shoes do you wear?8 - 9 ½ depending on the shoe

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?‘probably died because she said she wanted to die so often that death got sick of hearing it and killed her.“

82: What is your favourite word?fuck

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.justin timberlake. god im so fucked lol

84: What is a saying you say a lot?'i hate my life’ 'i want to die’ 'u should fight’

85: What’s the last song you listened to?Fools Gold by One Direction lmao

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?turquoise

87: What is your current desktop picture?justin timberlake leaning on a car lookin all hot n shit

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?myself tbh

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?uuuum idk it depends whos askin ya know. id answer certain questions if asked by one peson but not another

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?probably cry and attempt but ultimately fail to go back to sleep

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?flying or teleportation

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?when john mayer played XO at my concert obviously

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?losing all the pictures on my computer bc i keep saying im over it but im really not that was the entire past 4 years of my life in pictures and videos and theyre just gone its bullshit

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?oh man. so many. but if i had to choose one justin timberlake. wow bet no one saw that comin

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?literally fuckin no where im seeing ed sheeran in a matter of hours im not leaving. but if it were a different day lol id say amsterdam or boston

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?not that im aware of

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?when i was a smol child yea h but not recently

98: Ever been on a plane?when i was a child yes

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?um lol idk probably nothing tbh i dont wanna be held responsible for whatever happens afterwards

[thecosmiccuttlefish]

March 14th 2017

0621: I had trouble getting to sleep last night. A quirky nurse came in to draw blood. She’s was blonde m, wore a blue camo shirt and spoke in a sing songy voice. She told me “Here, just put the covers over your eyes.” In order to block out the light, and asked if I danced. “No? It must be someone else.” But she was really good at drawing blood. I barley felt it. So I’ll give her that.

0636: 50 something nurse came in.   50 something nurse asked: “Did the lab come?”, referring to blood work, and in my case the quirky nurse. She took my heart rate and blood pressure lying then standing (after standing for two minutes). After I asked to go to the bathroom, and disconnect my heart monitor (three small cords red, white, and black) she told me to change into the hospital gown because she was going to weigh me. That’s new. After I was weighed it was back into my pyjamas and off to bed after a temperature check.

“Are you feeling worse this morning?” 50 something nurse asks me with a thermometer in my mouth. I smile and shake my head. “I’m just like a dentist.” She said. “Asking questions with a mouth open.” Does she mean closed?

She also told me that my heart rate drastically improved. Up to 38bmp as my low. I should be out of the hospital soon. But, I’m trying not to think about that. Numbers and the rest. I’m just focusing on what I need right now. More sleep.

1113: So, mum came around 9am. I went to breakfast with her in the very classy “Teen Lounge” down the all. Are they waning me off of food? I had oatmeal, some gargantuan genetically modified banana, and under the green dome of destiny was toast. That’s all. I had peanut butter, let the marmalade rot, sped up it’s abandonment by the power of  eating disorder. My mum was sure my heart rate was 35bpm at night and announced it when she woke me from my slumber. “Your heart rate is still low. 35.” Turns out she just saw that on a monitor somewhere. Nurse L confirmed that it was 38. Why you always gotta go react like that mum?

“Was she weighed?” Said mum.

“Yes…” Said nurse L.

“I’d rather not know.“ I interjected. “Because, with eating disorders..”

~I feel that air of electricity when I begin to talk about eating disorders like some secret cult that I am privy to and understand and others want to learn about. I sense attention and interest. Performers instinct?~

“Because with eating disorders you get competitive. Oh my heart rate was that, I need to get it back there. Oh, that’s my weight. I can beat that. So, I’d rather not focus on numbers and focus instead on what I need to do to recover” I looked down, nodded my head.

They understood. Mum would find out my weight later.

Mum also said, to the nurse that she felt my calorie intake could be bumped a bit.

“I don’t know how much she’s eating now.” Mum said in her pleasant ethereal voice. My dad has this weird voice he uses when he talks to people with an accent. My sister and I point out to each other by saying “I smell popcorn. Do you smell popcorn?” Be it with a Mexican butler, a Chinese grandpa, He enunciates his words and laughs a little too much. “Oh! Ho-ho! Okay! Haha!” My mum has a great way of getting whatever she wants when it comes to hotels and services. She sometimes speaks very pleasantly, in a slightly higher voice than normal. With pleasant inclinations of inquiry where she might cock her head to the side. “I don’t know how much she’s eating now.”

“Um. She’s on a 1700 calorie diet.” Said the nurse.

So much for numbers.

Then I had a shower. My cold is still pretty nasty, so I tried to steam the sick away.

Then mum left, I maximized walking time by going back and forth to the sink.

First by getting my tooth brush and tooth paste, walking to the sink and brushing,

Then walking back getting my retainers and the retainer case, walking to the sink brushing them and putting them away.

Then walking back to tuck my retainers away and get my hair brush, walking to the sink and brushing my tangled hair. The hospital baby shampoo isn’t stellar.

A nurse with pink pants came in at some point and told me to buzz her when I wanted the leads on.

THEN FINALLY I walked back, put my brush away, and went to the washroom, then sat on my bed.

Finally, a new girl named came in. Her name was Stephanie and she painted, and now I’ve just been typing.

1137: Grammy came in, I’m going to hang out with her now.

1231: So Grammy and I went to the game room. I called a nurse to check if it was okay that I was un-tethered. “Oh you don’t need to do that” Said Gammy. “The nurses are busy.” But I was insane and did it anyways. Nurse L said it was alright. She got me some lovely water with ice and Grammy and I played checkers. I beat her once, then she crushed me. I ate all my foods.

Here’s the menu, transcribed by me:

Lunch

TUE 03/14/17

1X 2% Milk

1X Seasonal Fresh Fruit

1X Egg Salad SW

1X Creamy Coleslaw

1X Minestrone Soup

Notes about the above.

*The milk actually takes up about a 1/3rd of a small glass and it comes with a plastic lid.

*I think I’m going to start a world wide petition to stop fruit from being unfairly labeled “Seasonal” and/or “Fresh” The fruit I received had obviously been canned for some mysterious amount of time. It was all diced and cubed and had some bright pink marachino cherry bits, so really, it was about as fresh as a loaf of bread salvaged from the nuclear apocalypse sponsored by corn syrup. Also, what season? It’s spring here. Barley. The only fruit that’s growing in this climate is Apple’s stocks. Let’s do everyone a solid and stop lying to ourselves. Call it “Fruit” or put a series of question marks “???” Anything is better than deceitful adjectives.

We talked a bit about her family. She is great at telling stories from years passed, she loves it. “My sister and I often ask ourselves, why is it that we don’t smoke? After all these years, even though our parents did! Well, we always come up with the same answer.” “The dirty ash trays-” “That’s right! The dirty ash trays.” I’ve heard that story like three times but she always has fun telling it.

We talked about how sick I was. She showed me some pictures of me on her phone. She has such a great archive,How I smelt weird when I first came back, Ketonic? Was the word?

She walked me back to the room, I put my tray down, I went to the bathroom, she waited for me, Then she gave me her tic-tacs for her sinuses and left. I love her.

1246: Nurse L walked in. She is stealthy. You can’t hear her coming. It’s like she’s five and travels along her parents wood floors using fluffy socks. One more reason not to workout. I wasn’t going to anyways, GEEZ!

1251: RECOVERY THOUGHT: I never asked myself when I had enough exercise. I thought that was weakness. To truly enjoy yourself you must listen to your body, and what you want. Never be ashamed of that. Ladeeda.

1325: Okay, so Dr. Patooti came in and we talked for a bit. She suggested I talk to Psychologist #2. For continuity. My weight it actually down a bit. She asked if I felt my calorie intake should be upped. I could feel my eyes practically widen in their sockets. “My mum is bringing extra snacks today.” No need for that increase thank you. Then she asked how my Chinese was going. We talked for a while about how she has trouble pronouncing her V’s and W’s. She pulled back the tacky blinds and pointed to the window. “I used to call the a Vindow!” Das’ cool.

Still no exercise. Nurse L came and hooked me up to the heart monitor again. 

In other news, I haven’t worn a bra in like three days because who am I trying to impress? Very floopy and nice. Yes.

1518: Or, 3:18pm. Anyways. I got accepted to this university program I was looking forward to. This is good and exciting and yes. It’s a very small university. Guarantee you’ve never heard of it unless you live close to where I am. It’s a two year program. It seems so long to commit, but I suppose it really isn’t when you think about… I don’t know. All of junior, middle and high school. I can do this. No worries, and time is just going to speed up right?

Anyways, I saw this exciting announcement in my email after sitting down. I was standing you see because I allowed myself 15 minutes of stretching. It was only 33% disordered. The disordered bits of it are listed below:

It was timed, which is only a little bit of a problem. I need to know how long I’m stretching somehow. The disordered part is the feeling that I can’t stop until it’s done.

I added 48 seconds to the timer. Because I need to buffer any time I might be messing around and not stretching.

Every time I had to stop, like when the eating disorder clinic gave me a call (ironically) I added a minute to my time to make up for the time, and the time I’ll need to get back into the flow.

Gentle stretching turned into isometric yoga poses.

But there, then basically I sat down to check for the email the ED person said she sent me. I didn’t see that email, but I did see the acceptance letter and that was very exciting indeed. So that’s something to talk about with mum when she comes for dinner in about an hour or so.

The day just flys by!

1545: Okay, so I’m just listening to some chill millennial music, and  I’m feelin very work out ish. But I can’t think about the urge too much. It fuels it. I’ll make a plan. So, I’ll get up, go to the washroom. Study Chinese, then stretch for another 15min. That seems alright. Maybe a guided you tube stretch? It’s a pretty good alternative. Okay, go.

1750: So mum came by, and UG. UG! I ate a vegan brownie, because mum wanted me to. And two of those little greek rice wrap things and now I want to exercise, so this is where Netflix comes in. I feel on the verge of crying. Not really, but it’s in there somewhere.

She came in, I was coming out of the bathroom around 1614 after doing a hundred high knees and 25 squat jacks and she said “What were you doing in there?”

I told her.

“Naughtyyyy”

Then she revealed some presents she brought me. One of those 99 things to do when you have time that have artsy fill-it-in-yourself pages. She was looking at me very lovingly. We talked for a bit. I found out my neighbor, Emily is a model. She eats everything too!

I can get past this anxiety. Stop trying to rationalize it.

We played connect four. I won one. We tied, I think she won one. Then checkers. I was doing pretty well. Then not so well. She made a lip sound. “Shut up!!” I cried. “Margoo. Don’t get upset about a little game of checkers.” I double jumped her twice, but left myself venerable. She double jumped me.

“One little lapse my dear.” Said she.

She plugged me in, which is the modern day version of tucking me in, and then left.

I love her.

1817: I started doing squats, but the good news is Stephanie is right across from me. and that looks weird so I stopped. I’m kind of depressed. I think I want to curl up.

I’m going to watch a terrible sitcom.

1946: So, I did good things. I talked with my mum about how I was feeling, I realized that my thoughts are just thoughts not threats and I managed to feed myself. My mum watched through video chat. To be honest, I’m sort of jealous of Stephanie across from me. She hasn’t been on a computer once. She’s just painting… I want to be like her. That’s the life. Anyways… what else. I’ll go off my computer till 9pm. Or 2100 in this weird 24 hour journal I’ve got going here. Keeping tabs on my dad has made me realize how many small details are forgotten if you let it slip your mind. So… what’s the plan… Put the hummus away. Stretch for another 15min. Keep it light. Then work on Chinese. Finish the documentary. It’s good. It opens my eyes. It makes me want to help the world. Makes me think the university program I’m going into is for me. So ya, I’ll put down a deposit. Maybe I’ll fill out the form first. Then hummus, then stretching, then Chinese, then documentary, then writing, then bedtime. Good plan!

It’s funny. I’m putting away the hummus and pita… but I really want to eat it all too. I really want to stuff myself. But no no. Eat intuitively. C ya pals. Can you tell I’m getting more tired? My writing is getting more sloppy.

2152: What started as stretches turned to resetting the timer and doing lots of spider man’s and things. Awful terrible. My parents are becoming more and more convinced they need to hire someone. HIRE SOMEONE! At home. It’s awful! Humiliating. Terrible. Incredibly tumultous. I hate it. Stop. Please god stop. Please god stop please god please please please please please please please please please please. I was Facetiming with my mum, after sending her the two texts in regards to not exercising, or acting on my latest obsession to make myself sweat!:

#1“Failing.”

#2 “Faillling”

And she said psychologist #1 sent an email and cc’d me in it. Lies. I asked her to forward it to me. I don’t think I was meant to read it. It was basically talking about getting help. Here are some prime excerpts: 

Dad:

.…She clearly needs close supervision as someone needs to sit with her for all meals and supervise her or else she will be exercising….my wife and I need a break of a break with this…I would like to hire someone to be with her in the house when we go to work.  I don’t see Margo going back to work herself anytime soon….

Psychologist #1

….I realize that she has been trying very hard to defeat the eating disorder and associated urges but right now she is not anywhere near having enough self-control and has put herself in danger hence the hospitalization to buy time….The few days in hospital will not have helped at all if she goes back to exercising (which I understand she was doing on the ward yesterday). So, if she is going home in the next few days, I expect her to complain but accept that she is going to have someone with her (at considerable expense to the family, which she needs to appreciate, and which I think she does appreciate)…until the day when she can manage the urges on her own. If she chooses to fight this logic, I would bring her back to the notion that someone with an addiction is not left alone in a room with a line of coke or a bottle of gin and someone with suicidal urges is not left alone with a gun….

ARGGGGG NO! AWFUL! TERRIBLE! I guess I should just freakin’ accept it. Or start lying about my exercise so they stop FUH-REAKIN’ out!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.A

I’d exercise right now but I’m scared that they’ll pick it up on my heart monitor but I am so angry I don’t care, and am going to do an angry pyramid anyways. No! Maybe I should write an ukelele song instead? Channel it into more constructive ways?

2218: Okay, I’ve decided to not think about it till the morning. Sort of put mental blinders on the whole thing. I know I’ll feel better in the morning.

2315: Skyler, a lovely nurse who I'm growing more fond of and talked to me when I was super anxious came and took my vitals. It's my favourite part of the night because I find the stethoscope relaxing. Gentle touching is nice, not to sound creepy. Then, because I'm still angry and feel like hating myself, watched vines on YouTube till I heard poor Stephanie rolling around. Someone who paints and reads can't be offended. She's untaintable. I hope I feel calmer in the morning. I don't want to go back to this eating disorder. This fear filled hell pit. It's awful. That was my March 14th 2017 Good talking to you.

[douglassmiith]

How to evaluate content quality with BERT

Marie Haynes recently had a really insightful podcast interview with John Muller.

I specifically enjoyed the conversation about BERT and its potential for content quality evaluation.

“M 26:40 – .. Is Google using BERT now to better understand now whether content is good?”

“J 27:00 – … It’s not so much to understand the quality of the content but more to understand what is this content about, what is this sentence about, what is this query about …”

Google has repeatedly said that it helps understand natural language better. Content quality assessment like humans do is still fairly complicated for machines to do.

“M 28:54 – … could Google treat that as a negative to say ‘oh this page looks like it was SEO Company-ed, these keywords are here for Google and make that an actual detriment to the page”

“J 29:41 – … they’re just adding thousands of variations of the same keywords to a page and then our keyword stuffing algorithm might kick in and say well actually this looks like keyword stuffing, and then our keyword stuffing algorithm might kick in …” 

On the other hand, keywords stuffing is something that is easier for machines to spot. One way to check that is to see if the text is written in a nonsensical way.

“J 29:41 – … But I guess with regards to BERT one of the things that that could be done because a lot of these algorithms are open-sourced, there’s a lot of documentation and reference material around them, is to try things out and to take some of this SEO Company text and throw it into one of these algorithms and see does the primary content get pulled out, are the entities able to be recognized properly and it’s not one to one the same to how we would do it because I’m pretty sure our algorithms are based on similar ideas but probably tuned differently but it can give you some insight into is this written in such a way that it’s actually too confusing for a system to understand what it is that they’re writing about.”

This is the part that got me excited. Trying this out is a great idea and precisely what we will do in this article.

Britney Muller from Moz shared a really good idea and Python notebook with the code to test it. 

Hmm, but isn’t that measuring ‘quality’ in a way?

There should be clarity around how we speak about BERT(on its own or w/o fine tuning it’s limited)

BUT with other libraries like (CoLA), BERT can label whether or not a sentence is grammatically correct: https://t.co/txUud2be3H

— Britney Muller (@BritneyMuller) June 4, 2020

We can use BERT fine tuned on The Corpus of Linguistic Acceptability (CoLA) dataset for single sentence classification. 

This model can help us determine which sentences are grammatically correct and which aren’t. It could be used as one of several proxies for content quality. 

It is obviously not foolproof, but can get us in the right direction.

Fine tuning BERT on CoLA

The Colab notebook linked in Britney’s tweet is far too advanced for non-experts, so we are going to take a drastic shortcut!

We are going to use Ludwig, a very powerful and code-free deep learning toolkit from Uber, to do the same.

Here are the technical steps:

Fetch a target page and extract the text.

Split it into sentences.

Use our model to predict whether each sentence is grammatically correct or not.

Calculate and report grammatically correct and incorrect sentences

First, let’s build our predictive model.

I coded a simple to follow Google Colab notebook with all the steps.

Copy the notebook to your Google Drive and change the runtime type to GPU.

You can use the form at the top to test the code on your own articles. You might need to change the CSS selector to extract relevant text per target page. The one included works with SEL articles.

You should be able to run all the cells (one at a time) and see the evaluation in action.

Building the predictive model

When you compare the original notebook to the one that I created, you will find that we avoided having to write a lot of advanced deep learning code.

In order to create our cutting edge model with Ludwig, we need to complete four simple steps:

Download and uncompress the CoLA dataset

Create the Ludwig model definition with the appropriate settings and hyper parameters

Run Ludwig to train the model

Evaluate the model with held back data in the CoLA dataset

You should be able to follow each of these steps in the notebook. I will explain my choices here and some of the nuances needed to make it work.

Google Colab comes with Tensorflow version 2.0 preinstalled, which is the latest version. But, Ludwig requires version 1.15.3.

Another important step is that you need to set up the GPU version of Tensorflow to finish the training quickly. 

We accomplish this with the next few lines of code:

!pip install tensorflow-gpu==1.15.3

%tensorflow_version 1.x import tensorflow as tf; print(tf.__version__)

After this, you need to restart the runtime using the menu item: Runtime > Restart runtime.

Run the form again, the line that imports pandas and continue to the step where you need to install Ludwig.

The accuracy of the predictive model can vary widely and it is heavily influenced by your choice of hyper parameters. 

These are generally determined empirically by trial and error and to save time, I simply borrowed the ones from the weights and biases notebook. 

As you can see above, in their visualization, the best combination results in a validation accuracy of 84%. 

We added the same parameters to our model definition under the training section.

training:

batch_size: 16 learning_rate: 0.00003 epochs: 3

Next, we can train our BERT model on the CoLA dataset using a single command line.

!ludwig experiment --data_csv cola_dataset.csv --model_definition_file model_definition.yaml

We achieve a validation accuracy of 80%, which is slightly lower than the original notebook, but we put in significantly less effort!

Now, we have a powerful model that can classify sentences as grammatically correct or not.

I added additional code to the notebook to evaluate some test sentences and it found 92 grammatically incorrect out of 516. 

As you can see above, the predictions on the grammatically incorrect sentences look pretty accurate.

Converting web pages to sentences to predict their grammatical correctness

Splitting text into sentences using regular expressions seems like a trivial thing to do, but there are many language nuances that make this approach impractical.

Fortunately, I found a fairly simple solution in this StackOverflow thread. 

As you can see above, the technique works quite well. Now, we just need to feed these sentences to our grammar correctness predictive model.

Fortunately, it only found 4 out of 89 sentences grammatically incorrect in my last article.

Try this out in your own articles and let me know in Twitter how you do!

Opinions expressed in this article are those of the guest author and not necessarily Search Engine Land. Staff authors are listed here.

About The Author

Hamlet Batista is CEO and founder of RankSense, an agile SEO Company platform for online retailers and manufacturers. He holds U.S. patents on innovative SEO Company technologies, started doing SEO Company as a successful affiliate marketer back in 2002, and believes great SEO Company results should not take 6 months.

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

Via http://www.scpie.org/how-to-evaluate-content-quality-with-bert/

source https://scpie.weebly.com/blog/how-to-evaluate-content-quality-with-bert

[cherchersketch]

For Better or for Worse / Is it a Fortune or is it a Woe

It’s a really unique artstyle but the plot is also really fun and interesting. Give me all the “FL changes the plot but thinks the ML will still fall for the original FL” manhwa. 

Summary Our girl got isekai-ed into a novel where her sister is the dead wife in the ML’s ~tragic backstory~. So of course she ain’t gonna let that happen to her precious baby girl and marries the ML instead. So since she ain’t gonna die I DON’T KNOW WHY SHE STILL THINKS THE ML IS STILL ONLY DESTINED TO FALL IN LOVE WITH THE ORIGINAL FL. I am reaching new levels of screaming now that ML fully knows that he loves the FL. And it’s mutual but curse these FLs and their strict belief in the ~*ORIGINAL PLOT*~.

Tropes   - isekai-ed as the villainess   - what do you mean I’ve drastically changed the plot the original FL and ML definitely still belong together   - it’s been 70+ chapters and the OG FL is nowhere in sight girl please   - tsundere x tsundere   - this is just an arranged marriage he/she would never love me   - social intricacies of the Edwardian(?) era aristocracy 101

FL - Dillon Langton Dillon Hayworth

- best big sis ever - MY GIRL please recognize that you’ve already CHANGED THE GENRE of this novel and just accept the fact that YOU LOVE HIM

ML - Cedric Rodden Hayworth

- “forced into marriage because his grandad had a one-sided crush on her grandma” is the most absurd arranged marriage setup I have ever read - no don’t cry this love is not one-sided your FL is just a stubborn idiot

Rating: Loved this so much I spent real life money There was a sale recently on tapas so I literally bought all chapters at once Status (as of 3 Nov 2023) Still ongoing. Honestly not sure when it’ll end, the original FL is nowhere near her introduction time according to the OG novel. Also each story arc/event is quite long but super interesting you won’t notice that 1 day can span like 3-4 chapters sometimes. 100% completed. No sidestories ;w; But at least we got a glimpse of their kid.

Same Same but Different    - Author of My Own Destiny / I became the Wife of the Male Lead   - First Night with the Duke / I took the Male Lead’s First Night   - A Royal Princess with Black Hair

full rec list

[laurelkrugerr]

How to evaluate content quality with BERT

Marie Haynes recently had a really insightful podcast interview with John Muller.

I specifically enjoyed the conversation about BERT and its potential for content quality evaluation.

“M 26:40 – .. Is Google using BERT now to better understand now whether content is good?”

“J 27:00 – … It’s not so much to understand the quality of the content but more to understand what is this content about, what is this sentence about, what is this query about …”

Google has repeatedly said that it helps understand natural language better. Content quality assessment like humans do is still fairly complicated for machines to do.

“M 28:54 – … could Google treat that as a negative to say ‘oh this page looks like it was SEO Company-ed, these keywords are here for Google and make that an actual detriment to the page”

“J 29:41 – … they’re just adding thousands of variations of the same keywords to a page and then our keyword stuffing algorithm might kick in and say well actually this looks like keyword stuffing, and then our keyword stuffing algorithm might kick in …” 

On the other hand, keywords stuffing is something that is easier for machines to spot. One way to check that is to see if the text is written in a nonsensical way.

“J 29:41 – … But I guess with regards to BERT one of the things that that could be done because a lot of these algorithms are open-sourced, there’s a lot of documentation and reference material around them, is to try things out and to take some of this SEO Company text and throw it into one of these algorithms and see does the primary content get pulled out, are the entities able to be recognized properly and it’s not one to one the same to how we would do it because I’m pretty sure our algorithms are based on similar ideas but probably tuned differently but it can give you some insight into is this written in such a way that it’s actually too confusing for a system to understand what it is that they’re writing about.”

This is the part that got me excited. Trying this out is a great idea and precisely what we will do in this article.

Britney Muller from Moz shared a really good idea and Python notebook with the code to test it. 

Hmm, but isn’t that measuring ‘quality’ in a way?

There should be clarity around how we speak about BERT(on its own or w/o fine tuning it’s limited)

BUT with other libraries like (CoLA), BERT can label whether or not a sentence is grammatically correct: https://t.co/txUud2be3H

— Britney Muller (@BritneyMuller) June 4, 2020

We can use BERT fine tuned on The Corpus of Linguistic Acceptability (CoLA) dataset for single sentence classification. 

This model can help us determine which sentences are grammatically correct and which aren’t. It could be used as one of several proxies for content quality. 

It is obviously not foolproof, but can get us in the right direction.

Fine tuning BERT on CoLA

The Colab notebook linked in Britney’s tweet is far too advanced for non-experts, so we are going to take a drastic shortcut!

We are going to use Ludwig, a very powerful and code-free deep learning toolkit from Uber, to do the same.

Here are the technical steps:

Fetch a target page and extract the text.

Split it into sentences.

Use our model to predict whether each sentence is grammatically correct or not.

Calculate and report grammatically correct and incorrect sentences

First, let’s build our predictive model.

I coded a simple to follow Google Colab notebook with all the steps.

Copy the notebook to your Google Drive and change the runtime type to GPU.

You can use the form at the top to test the code on your own articles. You might need to change the CSS selector to extract relevant text per target page. The one included works with SEL articles.

You should be able to run all the cells (one at a time) and see the evaluation in action.

Building the predictive model

When you compare the original notebook to the one that I created, you will find that we avoided having to write a lot of advanced deep learning code.

In order to create our cutting edge model with Ludwig, we need to complete four simple steps:

Download and uncompress the CoLA dataset

Create the Ludwig model definition with the appropriate settings and hyper parameters

Run Ludwig to train the model

Evaluate the model with held back data in the CoLA dataset

You should be able to follow each of these steps in the notebook. I will explain my choices here and some of the nuances needed to make it work.

Google Colab comes with Tensorflow version 2.0 preinstalled, which is the latest version. But, Ludwig requires version 1.15.3.

Another important step is that you need to set up the GPU version of Tensorflow to finish the training quickly. 

We accomplish this with the next few lines of code:

!pip install tensorflow-gpu==1.15.3

%tensorflow_version 1.x import tensorflow as tf; print(tf.__version__)

After this, you need to restart the runtime using the menu item: Runtime > Restart runtime.

Run the form again, the line that imports pandas and continue to the step where you need to install Ludwig.

The accuracy of the predictive model can vary widely and it is heavily influenced by your choice of hyper parameters. 

These are generally determined empirically by trial and error and to save time, I simply borrowed the ones from the weights and biases notebook. 

As you can see above, in their visualization, the best combination results in a validation accuracy of 84%. 

We added the same parameters to our model definition under the training section.

training:

batch_size: 16 learning_rate: 0.00003 epochs: 3

Next, we can train our BERT model on the CoLA dataset using a single command line.

!ludwig experiment --data_csv cola_dataset.csv --model_definition_file model_definition.yaml

We achieve a validation accuracy of 80%, which is slightly lower than the original notebook, but we put in significantly less effort!

Now, we have a powerful model that can classify sentences as grammatically correct or not.

I added additional code to the notebook to evaluate some test sentences and it found 92 grammatically incorrect out of 516. 

As you can see above, the predictions on the grammatically incorrect sentences look pretty accurate.

Converting web pages to sentences to predict their grammatical correctness

Splitting text into sentences using regular expressions seems like a trivial thing to do, but there are many language nuances that make this approach impractical.

Fortunately, I found a fairly simple solution in this StackOverflow thread. 

As you can see above, the technique works quite well. Now, we just need to feed these sentences to our grammar correctness predictive model.

Fortunately, it only found 4 out of 89 sentences grammatically incorrect in my last article.

Try this out in your own articles and let me know in Twitter how you do!

Opinions expressed in this article are those of the guest author and not necessarily Search Engine Land. Staff authors are listed here.

About The Author

Hamlet Batista is CEO and founder of RankSense, an agile SEO Company platform for online retailers and manufacturers. He holds U.S. patents on innovative SEO Company technologies, started doing SEO Company as a successful affiliate marketer back in 2002, and believes great SEO Company results should not take 6 months.

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/how-to-evaluate-content-quality-with-bert/ source https://scpie1.blogspot.com/2020/07/how-to-evaluate-content-quality-with.html

[riichardwilson]

How to evaluate content quality with BERT

Marie Haynes recently had a really insightful podcast interview with John Muller.

I specifically enjoyed the conversation about BERT and its potential for content quality evaluation.

“M 26:40 – .. Is Google using BERT now to better understand now whether content is good?”

“J 27:00 – … It’s not so much to understand the quality of the content but more to understand what is this content about, what is this sentence about, what is this query about…”

Google has repeatedly said that it helps understand natural language better. Content quality assessment like humans do is still fairly complicated for machines to do.

“M 28:54 – … could Google treat that as a negative to say ‘oh this page looks like it was SEO Company-ed, these keywords are here for Google and make that an actual detriment to the page”

“J 29:41 – … they’re just adding thousands of variations of the same keywords to a page and then our keyword stuffing algorithm might kick in and say well actually this looks like keyword stuffing, and then our keyword stuffing algorithm might kick in …” 

On the other hand, keywords stuffing is something that is easier for machines to spot. One way to check that is to see if the text is written in a nonsensical way.

“J 29:41 – … But I guess with regards to BERT one of the things that that could be done because a lot of these algorithms are open-sourced, there’s a lot of documentation and reference material around them, is to try things out and to take some of this SEO Company text and throw it into one of these algorithms and see does the primary content get pulled out, are the entities able to be recognized properly and it’s not one to one the same to how we would do it because I’m pretty sure our algorithms are based on similar ideas but probably tuned differently but it can give you some insight into is this written in such a way that it’s actually too confusing for a system to understand what it is that they’re writing about.”

This is the part that got me excited. Trying this out is a great idea and precisely what we will do in this article.

Britney Muller from Moz shared a really good idea and Python notebook with the code to test it. 

Hmm, but isn’t that measuring ‘quality’ in a way?

There should be clarity around how we speak about BERT(on its own or w/o fine tuning it’s limited)

BUT with other libraries like (CoLA), BERT can label whether or not a sentence is grammatically correct: https://t.co/txUud2be3H

— Britney Muller (@BritneyMuller) June 4, 2020

We can use BERT fine tuned on The Corpus of Linguistic Acceptability (CoLA) dataset for single sentence classification. 

This model can help us determine which sentences are grammatically correct and which aren’t. It could be used as one of several proxies for content quality. 

It is obviously not foolproof, but can get us in the right direction.

Fine tuning BERT on CoLA

The Colab notebook linked in Britney’s tweet is far too advanced for non-experts, so we are going to take a drastic shortcut!

We are going to use Ludwig, a very powerful and code-free deep learning toolkit from Uber, to do the same.

Here are the technical steps:

Fetch a target page and extract the text.

Split it into sentences.

Use our model to predict whether each sentence is grammatically correct or not.

Calculate and report grammatically correct and incorrect sentences

First, let’s build our predictive model.

I coded a simple to follow Google Colab notebook with all the steps.

Copy the notebook to your Google Drive and change the runtime type to GPU.

You can use the form at the top to test the code on your own articles. You might need to change the CSS selector to extract relevant text per target page. The one included works with SEL articles.

You should be able to run all the cells (one at a time) and see the evaluation in action.

Building the predictive model

When you compare the original notebook to the one that I created, you will find that we avoided having to write a lot of advanced deep learning code.

In order to create our cutting edge model with Ludwig, we need to complete four simple steps:

Download and uncompress the CoLA dataset

Create the Ludwig model definition with the appropriate settings and hyper parameters

Run Ludwig to train the model

Evaluate the model with held back data in the CoLA dataset

You should be able to follow each of these steps in the notebook. I will explain my choices here and some of the nuances needed to make it work.

Google Colab comes with Tensorflow version 2.0 preinstalled, which is the latest version. But, Ludwig requires version 1.15.3.

Another important step is that you need to set up the GPU version of Tensorflow to finish the training quickly. 

We accomplish this with the next few lines of code:

!pip install tensorflow-gpu==1.15.3

%tensorflow_version 1.x import tensorflow as tf; print(tf.__version__)

After this, you need to restart the runtime using the menu item: Runtime > Restart runtime.

Run the form again, the line that imports pandas and continue to the step where you need to install Ludwig.

The accuracy of the predictive model can vary widely and it is heavily influenced by your choice of hyper parameters. 

These are generally determined empirically by trial and error and to save time, I simply borrowed the ones from the weights and biases notebook. 

As you can see above, in their visualization, the best combination results in a validation accuracy of 84%. 

We added the same parameters to our model definition under the training section.

training:

batch_size: 16 learning_rate: 0.00003 epochs: 3

Next, we can train our BERT model on the CoLA dataset using a single command line.

!ludwig experiment --data_csv cola_dataset.csv --model_definition_file model_definition.yaml

We achieve a validation accuracy of 80%, which is slightly lower than the original notebook, but we put in significantly less effort!

Now, we have a powerful model that can classify sentences as grammatically correct or not.

I added additional code to the notebook to evaluate some test sentences and it found 92 grammatically incorrect out of 516. 

As you can see above, the predictions on the grammatically incorrect sentences look pretty accurate.

Converting web pages to sentences to predict their grammatical correctness

Splitting text into sentences using regular expressions seems like a trivial thing to do, but there are many language nuances that make this approach impractical.

Fortunately, I found a fairly simple solution in this StackOverflow thread. 

As you can see above, the technique works quite well. Now, we just need to feed these sentences to our grammar correctness predictive model.

Fortunately, it only found 4 out of 89 sentences grammatically incorrect in my last article.

Try this out in your own articles and let me know in Twitter how you do!

Opinions expressed in this article are those of the guest author and not necessarily Search Engine Land. Staff authors are listed here.

About The Author

Hamlet Batista is CEO and founder of RankSense, an agile SEO Company platform for online retailers and manufacturers. He holds U.S. patents on innovative SEO Company technologies, started doing SEO Company as a successful affiliate marketer back in 2002, and believes great SEO Company results should not take 6 months.

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/how-to-evaluate-content-quality-with-bert/ source https://scpie.tumblr.com/post/623135423516098560